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Nicholas Nickleby

by Charles Dickens · English · Gutenberg #967 · 1,867,720 chars · public domain (US)

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Title: Nicholas Nickleby

Author: Charles Dickens


        
Release date: April 27, 2006 [eBook #967]
                Most recently updated: January 17, 2018

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/967

Credits: Produced by Donald Lainson and David Widger


*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK NICHOLAS NICKLEBY ***




Produced by Donald Lainson





THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF NICHOLAS NICKLEBY,

containing a Faithful Account of the Fortunes, Misfortunes,

Uprisings, Downfallings and Complete Career of the Nickelby Family


by Charles Dickens




AUTHOR’S PREFACE


This story was begun, within a few months after the publication of
the completed “Pickwick Papers.” There were, then, a good many cheap
Yorkshire schools in existence. There are very few now.

Of the monstrous neglect of education in England, and the disregard
of it by the State as a means of forming good or bad citizens, and
miserable or happy men, private schools long afforded a notable example.
Although any man who had proved his unfitness for any other occupation
in life, was free, without examination or qualification, to open a
school anywhere; although preparation for the functions he undertook,
was required in the surgeon who assisted to bring a boy into the world,
or might one day assist, perhaps, to send him out of it; in the chemist,
the attorney, the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker; the whole
round of crafts and trades, the schoolmaster excepted; and although
schoolmasters, as a race, were the blockheads and impostors who might
naturally be expected to spring from such a state of things, and to
flourish in it; these Yorkshire schoolmasters were the lowest and most
rotten round in the whole ladder. Traders in the avarice, indifference,
or imbecility of parents, and the helplessness of children; ignorant,
sordid, brutal men, to whom few considerate persons would have entrusted
the board and lodging of a horse or a dog; they formed the worthy
cornerstone of a structure, which, for absurdity and a magnificent
high-minded LAISSEZ-ALLER neglect, has rarely been exceeded in the
world.

We hear sometimes of an action for damages against the unqualified
medical practitioner, who has deformed a broken limb in pretending to
heal it. But, what of the hundreds of thousands of minds that have been
deformed for ever by the incapable pettifoggers who have pretended to
form them!

I make mention of the race, as of the Yorkshire schoolmasters, in the
past tense. Though it has not yet finally disappeared, it is dwindling
daily. A long day’s work remains to be done about us in the way of
education, Heaven knows; but great improvements and facilities towards
the attainment of a good one, have been furnished, of late years.

I cannot call to mind, now, how I came to hear about Yorkshire schools
when I was a not very robust child, sitting in bye-places near Rochester
Castle, with a head full of PARTRIDGE, STRAP, TOM PIPES, and SANCHO
PANZA; but I know that my first impressions of them were picked up
at that time, and that they were somehow or other connected with a
suppurated abscess that some boy had come home with, in consequence of
his Yorkshire guide, philosopher, and friend, having ripped it open with
an inky pen-knife. The impression made upon me, however made, never left
me. I was always curious about Yorkshire schools--fell, long afterwards
and at sundry times, into the way of hearing more about them--at last,
having an audience, resolved to write about them.

With that intent I went down into Yorkshire before I began this book, in
very severe winter time which is pretty faithfully described herein.
As I wanted to see a schoolmaster or two, and was forewarned that those
gentlemen might, in their modesty, be shy of receiving a visit from the
author of the “Pickwick Papers,” I consulted with a professional friend
who had a Yorkshire connexion, and with whom I concerted a pious fraud.
He gave me some letters of introduction, in the name, I think, of my
travelling companion; they bore reference to a supposititious little boy
who had been left with a widowed mother who didn’t know what to do
with him; the poor lady had thought, as a means of thawing the tardy
compassion of her relations in his behalf, of sending him to a Yorkshire
school; I was the poor lady’s friend, travelling that way; and if
the recipient of the letter could inform me of a school in his
neighbourhood, the writer would be very much obliged.

I went to several places in that part of the country where I understood
the schools to be most plentifully sprinkled, and had no occasion to
deliver a letter until I came to a certain town which shall be nameless.
The person to whom it was addressed, was not at home; but he came down
at night, through the snow, to the inn where I was staying. It was after
dinner; and he needed little persuasion to sit down by the fire in a
warm corner, and take his share of the wine that was on the table.

I am afraid he is dead now. I recollect he was a jovial, ruddy,
broad-faced man; that we got acquainted directly; and that we talked
on all kinds of subjects, except the school, which he showed a great
anxiety to avoid. “Was there any large school near?” I asked him, in
reference to the letter. “Oh yes,” he said; “there was a pratty big
‘un.” “Was it a good one?” I asked. “Ey!” he said, “it was as good as
anoother; that was a’ a matther of opinion”; and fell to looking at the
fire, staring round the room, and whistling a little. On my reverting to
some other topic that we had been discussing, he recovered immediately;
but, though I tried him again and again, I never approached the question
of the school, even if he were in the middle of a laugh, without
observing that his countenance fell, and that he became uncomfortable.
At last, when we had passed a couple of hours or so, very agreeably, he
suddenly took up his hat, and leaning over the table and looking me
full in the face, said, in a low voice: “Weel, Misther, we’ve been vara
pleasant toogather, and ar’ll spak’ my moind tiv’ee. Dinnot let the
weedur send her lattle boy to yan o’ our school-measthers, while there’s
a harse to hoold in a’ Lunnun, or a gootther to lie asleep in. Ar
wouldn’t mak’ ill words amang my neeburs, and ar speak tiv’ee quiet
loike. But I’m dom’d if ar can gang to bed and not tellee, for weedur’s
sak’, to keep the lattle boy from a’ sike scoondrels while there’s a
harse to hoold in a’ Lunnun, or a gootther to lie asleep in!” Repeating
these words with great heartiness, and with a solemnity on his jolly
face that made it look twice as large as before, he shook hands and went
away. I never saw him afterwards, but I sometimes imagine that I descry
a faint reflection of him in John Browdie.

In reference to these gentry, I may here quote a few words from the
original preface to this book.

“It has afforded the Author great amusement and satisfaction, during the
progress of this work, to learn, from country friends and from a variety
of ludicrous statements concerning himself in provincial newspapers,
that more than one Yorkshire schoolmaster lays claim to being the
original of Mr. Squeers. One worthy, he has reason to believe, has
actually consulted authorities learned in the law, as to his having good
grounds on which to rest an action for libel; another, has meditated a
journey to London, for the express purpose of committing an assault and
battery on his traducer; a third, perfectly remembers being waited on,
last January twelve-month, by two gentlemen, one of whom held him
in conversation while the other took his likeness; and, although Mr.
Squeers has but one eye, and he has two, and the published sketch does
not resemble him (whoever he may be) in any other respect, still he
and all his friends and neighbours know at once for whom it is meant,
because--the character is SO like him.

“While the Author cannot but feel the full force of the compliment thus
conveyed to him, he ventures to suggest that these contentions may arise
from the fact, that Mr. Squeers is the representative of a class, and
not of an individual. Where imposture, ignorance, and brutal cupidity,
are the stock in trade of a small body of men, and one is described
by these characteristics, all his fellows will recognise something
belonging to themselves, and each will have a misgiving that the
portrait is his own.

“The Author’s object in calling public attention to the system would be
very imperfectly fulfilled, if he did not state now, in his own person,
emphatically and earnestly, that Mr. Squeers and his school are faint
and feeble pictures of an existing reality, purposely subdued and kept
down lest they should be deemed impossible. That there are, upon record,
trials at law in which damages have been sought as a poor recompense
for lasting agonies and disfigurements inflicted upon children by the
treatment of the master in these places, involving such offensive and
foul details of neglect, cruelty, and disease, as no writer of fiction
would have the boldness to imagine. And that, since he has been engaged
upon these Adventures, he has received, from private quarters far beyond
the reach of suspicion or distrust, accounts of atrocities, in the
perpetration of which upon neglected or repudiated children, these
schools have been the main instruments, very far exceeding any that
appear in these pages.”

This comprises all I need say on the subject; except that if I had seen
occasion, I had resolved to reprint a few of these details of legal
proceedings, from certain old newspapers.

One other quotation from the same Preface may serve to introduce a fact
that my readers may think curious.

“To turn to a more pleasant subject, it may be right to say, that
there ARE two characters in this book which are drawn from life. It is
remarkable that what we call the world, which is so very credulous in
what professes to be true, is most incredulous in what professes to be
imaginary; and that, while, every day in real life, it will allow in one
man no blemishes, and in another no virtues, it will seldom admit a
very strongly-marked character, either good or bad, in a fictitious
narrative, to be within the limits of probability. But those who take an
interest in this tale, will be glad to learn that the BROTHERS CHEERYBLE
live; that their liberal charity, their singleness of heart, their
noble nature, and their unbounded benevolence, are no creations of the
Author’s brain; but are prompting every day (and oftenest by stealth)
some munificent and generous deed in that town of which they are the
pride and honour.”

If I were to attempt to sum up the thousands of letters, from all sorts
of people in all sorts of latitudes and climates, which this unlucky
paragraph brought down upon me, I should get into an arithmetical
difficulty from which I could not easily extricate myself. Suffice it
to say, that I believe the applications for loans, gifts, and offices
of profit that I have been requested to forward to the originals of the
BROTHERS CHEERYBLE (with whom I never interchanged any communication
in my life) would have exhausted the combined patronage of all the Lord
Chancellors since the accession of the House of Brunswick, and would
have broken the Rest of the Bank of England.

The Brothers are now dead.

There is only one other point, on which I would desire to offer a
remark. If Nicholas be not always found to be blameless or agreeable, he
is not always intended to appear so. He is a young man of an impetuous
temper and of little or no experience; and I saw no reason why such a
hero should be lifted out of nature.





CHAPTER 1

Introduces all the Rest


There once lived, in a sequestered part of the county of Devonshire, one
Mr. Godfrey Nickleby: a worthy gentleman, who, taking it into his head
rather late in life that he must get married, and not being young enough
or rich enough to aspire to the hand of a lady of fortune, had wedded an
old flame out of mere attachment, who in her turn had taken him for the
same reason. Thus two people who cannot afford to play cards for money,
sometimes sit down to a quiet game for love.

Some ill-conditioned persons who sneer at the life-matrimonial, may
perhaps suggest, in this place, that the good couple would be better
likened to two principals in a sparring match, who, when fortune is low
and backers scarce, will chivalrously set to, for the mere pleasure
of the buffeting; and in one respect indeed this comparison would hold
good; for, as the adventurous pair of the Fives’ Court will afterwards
send round a hat, and trust to the bounty of the lookers-on for the
means of regaling themselves, so Mr. Godfrey Nickleby and HIS partner,
the honeymoon being over, looked out wistfully into the world, relying
in no inconsiderable degree upon chance for the improvement of their
means. Mr. Nickleby’s income, at the period of his marriage, fluctuated
between sixty and eighty pounds PER ANNUM.

There are people enough in the world, Heaven knows! and even in London
(where Mr. Nickleby dwelt in those days) but few complaints prevail, of
the population being scanty. It is extraordinary how long a man may look
among the crowd without discovering the face of a friend, but it is no
less true. Mr. Nickleby looked, and looked, till his eyes became sore
as his heart, but no friend appeared; and when, growing tired of the
search, he turned his eyes homeward, he saw very little there to relieve
his weary vision. A painter who has gazed too long upon some glaring
colour, refreshes his dazzled sight by looking upon a darker and more
sombre tint; but everything that met Mr. Nickleby’s gaze wore so black
and gloomy a hue, that he would have been beyond description refreshed
by the very reverse of the contrast.

At length, after five years, when Mrs. Nickleby had presented her husband
with a couple of sons, and that embarrassed gentleman, impressed with
the necessity of making some provision for his family, was seriously
revolving in his mind a little commercial speculation of insuring his
life next quarter-day, and then falling from the top of the Monument by
accident, there came, one morning, by the general post, a black-bordered
letter to inform him how his uncle, Mr. Ralph Nickleby, was dead, and
had left him the bulk of his little property, amounting in all to five
thousand pounds sterling.

As the deceased had taken no further notice of his nephew in his
lifetime, than sending to his eldest boy (who had been christened after
him, on desperate speculation) a silver spoon in a morocco case, which,
as he had not too much to eat with it, seemed a kind of satire upon his
having been born without that useful article of plate in his mouth,
Mr. Godfrey Nickleby could, at first, scarcely believe the tidings thus
conveyed to him. On examination, however, they turned out to be strictly
correct. The amiable old gentleman, it seemed, had intended to leave
the whole to the Royal Humane Society, and had indeed executed a will to
that effect; but the Institution, having been unfortunate enough, a few
months before, to save the life of a poor relation to whom he paid a
weekly allowance of three shillings and sixpence, he had, in a fit of
very natural exasperation, revoked the bequest in a codicil, and left it
all to Mr. Godfrey Nickleby; with a special mention of his indignation,
not only against the society for saving the poor relation’s life, but
against the poor relation also, for allowing himself to be saved.

With a portion of this property Mr. Godfrey Nickleby purchased a small
farm, near Dawlish in Devonshire, whither he retired with his wife and
two children, to live upon the best interest he could get for the rest
of his money, and the little produce he could raise from his land. The
two prospered so well together that, when he died, some fifteen years
after this period, and some five after his wife, he was enabled to
leave, to his eldest son, Ralph, three thousand pounds in cash, and
to his youngest son, Nicholas, one thousand and the farm, which was as
small a landed estate as one would desire to see.

These two brothers had been brought up together in a school at Exeter;
and, being accustomed to go home once a week, had often heard, from
their mother’s lips, long accounts of their father’s sufferings in his
days of poverty, and of their deceased uncle’s importance in his days
of affluence: which recitals produced a very different impression on
the two: for, while the younger, who was of a timid and retiring
disposition, gleaned from thence nothing but forewarnings to shun the
great world and attach himself to the quiet routine of a country life,
Ralph, the elder, deduced from the often-repeated tale the two great
morals that riches are the only true source of happiness and power, and
that it is lawful and just to compass their acquisition by all means
short of felony. ‘And,’ reasoned Ralph with himself, ‘if no good came
of my uncle’s money when he was alive, a great deal of good came of it
after he was dead, inasmuch as my father has got it now, and is saving
it up for me, which is a highly virtuous purpose; and, going back to the
old gentleman, good DID come of it to him too, for he had the pleasure
of thinking of it all his life long, and of being envied and courted
by all his family besides.’ And Ralph always wound up these mental
soliloquies by arriving at the conclusion, that there was nothing like
money.

Not confining himself to theory, or permitting his faculties to rust,
even at that early age, in mere abstract speculations, this promising
lad commenced usurer on a limited scale at school; putting out at good
interest a small capital of slate-pencil and marbles, and gradually
extending his operations until they aspired to the copper coinage of
this realm, in which he speculated to considerable advantage. Nor did
he trouble his borrowers with abstract calculations of figures, or
references to ready-reckoners; his simple rule of interest being all
comprised in the one golden sentence, ‘two-pence for every half-penny,’
which greatly simplified the accounts, and which, as a familiar precept,
more easily acquired and retained in the memory than any known rule
of arithmetic, cannot be too strongly recommended to the notice of
capitalists, both large and small, and more especially of money-brokers
and bill-discounters. Indeed, to do these gentlemen justice, many of
them are to this day in the frequent habit of adopting it, with eminent
success.

In like manner, did young Ralph Nickleby avoid all those minute and
intricate calculations of odd days, which nobody who has worked sums
in simple-interest can fail to have found most embarrassing, by
establishing the one general rule that all sums of principal and
interest should be paid on pocket-money day, that is to say, on
Saturday: and that whether a loan were contracted on the Monday, or on
the Friday, the amount of interest should be, in both cases, the same.
Indeed he argued, and with great show of reason, that it ought to be
rather more for one day than for five, inasmuch as the borrower might
in the former case be very fairly presumed to be in great extremity,
otherwise he would not borrow at all with such odds against him. This
fact is interesting, as illustrating the secret connection and sympathy
which always exist between great minds. Though Master Ralph Nickleby was
not at that time aware of it, the class of gentlemen before alluded to,
proceed on just the same principle in all their transactions.

From what we have said of this young gentleman, and the natural
admiration the reader will immediately conceive of his character, it may
perhaps be inferred that he is to be the hero of the work which we shall
presently begin. To set this point at rest, for once and for ever, we
hasten to undeceive them, and stride to its commencement.

On the death of his father, Ralph Nickleby, who had been some time
before placed in a mercantile house in London, applied himself
passionately to his old pursuit of money-getting, in which he speedily
became so buried and absorbed, that he quite forgot his brother for many
years; and if, at times, a recollection of his old playfellow broke
upon him through the haze in which he lived--for gold conjures up a mist
about a man, more destructive of all his old senses and lulling to
his feelings than the fumes of charcoal--it brought along with it a
companion thought, that if they were intimate he would want to borrow
money of him. So, Mr. Ralph Nickleby shrugged his shoulders, and said
things were better as they were.

As for Nicholas, he lived a single man on the patrimonial estate until
he grew tired of living alone, and then he took to wife the daughter of
a neighbouring gentleman with a dower of one thousand pounds. This good
lady bore him two children, a son and a daughter, and when the son
was about nineteen, and the daughter fourteen, as near as we can
guess--impartial records of young ladies’ ages being, before the passing
of the new act, nowhere preserved in the registries of this country--Mr
Nickleby looked about him for the means of repairing his capital, now
sadly reduced by this increase in his family, and the expenses of their
education.

‘Speculate with it,’ said Mrs. Nickleby.

‘Spec--u--late, my dear?’ said Mr. Nickleby, as though in doubt.

‘Why not?’ asked Mrs. Nickleby.

‘Because, my dear, if we SHOULD lose it,’ rejoined Mr. Nickleby, who
was a slow and time-taking speaker, ‘if we SHOULD lose it, we shall no
longer be able to live, my dear.’

‘Fiddle,’ said Mrs. Nickleby.

‘I am not altogether sure of that, my dear,’ said Mr. Nickleby.

‘There’s Nicholas,’ pursued the lady, ‘quite a young man--it’s time he
was in the way of doing something for himself; and Kate too, poor girl,
without a penny in the world. Think of your brother! Would he be what he
is, if he hadn’t speculated?’

‘That’s true,’ replied Mr. Nickleby. ‘Very good, my dear. Yes. I WILL
speculate, my dear.’

Speculation is a round game; the players see little or nothing of their
cards at first starting; gains MAY be great--and so may losses. The run
of luck went against Mr. Nickleby. A mania prevailed, a bubble burst,
four stock-brokers took villa residences at Florence, four hundred
nobodies were ruined, and among them Mr. Nickleby.

‘The very house I live in,’ sighed the poor gentleman, ‘may be taken
from me tomorrow. Not an article of my old furniture, but will be sold
to strangers!’

The last reflection hurt him so much, that he took at once to his bed;
apparently resolved to keep that, at all events.

‘Cheer up, sir!’ said the apothecary.

‘You mustn’t let yourself be cast down, sir,’ said the nurse.

‘Such things happen every day,’ remarked the lawyer.

‘And it is very sinful to rebel against them,’ whispered the clergyman.

‘And what no man with a family ought to do,’ added the neighbours.

Mr. Nickleby shook his head, and motioning them all out of the room,
embraced his wife and children, and having pressed them by turns to
his languidly beating heart, sunk exhausted on his pillow. They were
concerned to find that his reason went astray after this; for he
babbled, for a long time, about the generosity and goodness of his
brother, and the merry old times when they were at school together.
This fit of wandering past, he solemnly commended them to One who never
deserted the widow or her fatherless children, and, smiling gently on
them, turned upon his face, and observed, that he thought he could fall
asleep.



CHAPTER 2

Of Mr. Ralph Nickleby, and his Establishments, and his Undertakings, and
of a great Joint Stock Company of vast national Importance


Mr. Ralph Nickleby was not, strictly speaking, what you would call
a merchant, neither was he a banker, nor an attorney, nor a special
pleader, nor a notary. He was certainly not a tradesman, and still less
could he lay any claim to the title of a professional gentleman; for it
would have been impossible to mention any recognised profession to which
he belonged. Nevertheless, as he lived in a spacious house in Golden
Square, which, in addition to a brass plate upon the street-door, had
another brass plate two sizes and a half smaller upon the left hand
door-post, surrounding a brass model of an infant’s fist grasping a
fragment of a skewer, and displaying the word ‘Office,’ it was clear
that Mr. Ralph Nickleby did, or pretended to do, business of some kind;
and the fact, if it required any further circumstantial evidence, was
abundantly demonstrated by the diurnal attendance, between the hours of
half-past nine and five, of a sallow-faced man in rusty brown, who sat
upon an uncommonly hard stool in a species of butler’s pantry at the end
of the passage, and always had a pen behind his ear when he answered the
bell.

Although a few members of the graver professions live about Golden
Square, it is not exactly in anybody’s way to or from anywhere. It is
one of the squares that have been; a quarter of the town that has gone
down in the world, and taken to letting lodgings. Many of its first
and second floors are let, furnished, to single gentlemen; and it
takes boarders besides. It is a great resort of foreigners. The
dark-complexioned men who wear large rings, and heavy watch-guards, and
bushy whiskers, and who congregate under the Opera Colonnade, and about
the box-office in the season, between four and five in the afternoon,
when they give away the orders,--all live in Golden Square, or within a
street of it. Two or three violins and a wind instrument from the Opera
band reside within its precincts. Its boarding-houses are musical, and
the notes of pianos and harps float in the evening time round the head
of the mournful statue, the guardian genius of a little wilderness of
shrubs, in the centre of the square. On a summer’s night, windows
are thrown open, and groups of swarthy moustached men are seen by the
passer-by, lounging at the casements, and smoking fearfully. Sounds of
gruff voices practising vocal music invade the evening’s silence; and
the fumes of choice tobacco scent the air. There, snuff and cigars,
and German pipes and flutes, and violins and violoncellos, divide the
supremacy between them. It is the region of song and smoke. Street bands
are on their mettle in Golden Square; and itinerant glee-singers quaver
involuntarily as they raise their voices within its boundaries.

This would not seem a spot very well adapted to the transaction of
business; but Mr. Ralph Nickleby had lived there, notwithstanding, for
many years, and uttered no complaint on that score. He knew nobody round
about, and nobody knew him, although he enjoyed the reputation of being
immensely rich. The tradesmen held that he was a sort of lawyer, and
the other neighbours opined that he was a kind of general agent; both
of which guesses were as correct and definite as guesses about other
people’s affairs usually are, or need to be.

Mr. Ralph Nickleby sat in his private office one morning, ready dressed
to walk abroad. He wore a bottle-green spencer over a blue coat; a white
waistcoat, grey mixture pantaloons, and Wellington boots drawn over
them. The corner of a small-plaited shirt-frill struggled out, as if
insisting to show itself, from between his chin and the top button of
his spencer; and the latter garment was not made low enough to conceal
a long gold watch-chain, composed of a series of plain rings, which had
its beginning at the handle of a gold repeater in Mr. Nickleby’s pocket,
and its termination in two little keys: one belonging to the watch
itself, and the other to some patent padlock. He wore a sprinkling of
powder upon his head, as if to make himself look benevolent; but if
that were his purpose, he would perhaps have done better to powder his
countenance also, for there was something in its very wrinkles, and
in his cold restless eye, which seemed to tell of cunning that would
announce itself in spite of him. However this might be, there he was;
and as he was all alone, neither the powder, nor the wrinkles, nor the
eyes, had the smallest effect, good or bad, upon anybody just then, and
are consequently no business of ours just now.

Mr. Nickleby closed an account-book which lay on his desk, and, throwing
himself back in his chair, gazed with an air of abstraction through the
dirty window. Some London houses have a melancholy little plot of ground
behind them, usually fenced in by four high whitewashed walls, and
frowned upon by stacks of chimneys: in which there withers on, from
year to year, a crippled tree, that makes a show of putting forth a few
leaves late in autumn when other trees shed theirs, and, drooping in
the effort, lingers on, all crackled and smoke-dried, till the following
season, when it repeats the same process, and perhaps, if the weather
be particularly genial, even tempts some rheumatic sparrow to chirrup
in its branches. People sometimes call these dark yards ‘gardens’; it
is not supposed that they were ever planted, but rather that they are
pieces of unreclaimed land, with the withered vegetation of the original
brick-field. No man thinks of walking in this desolate place, or of
turning it to any account. A few hampers, half-a-dozen broken bottles,
and such-like rubbish, may be thrown there, when the tenant first moves
in, but nothing more; and there they remain until he goes away again:
the damp straw taking just as long to moulder as it thinks proper:
and mingling with the scanty box, and stunted everbrowns, and broken
flower-pots, that are scattered mournfully about--a prey to ‘blacks’ and
dirt.

It was into a place of this kind that Mr. Ralph Nickleby gazed, as he sat
with his hands in his pockets looking out of the window. He had fixed
his eyes upon a distorted fir tree, planted by some former tenant in a
tub that had once been green, and left there, years before, to rot
away piecemeal. There was nothing very inviting in the object, but Mr
Nickleby was wrapt in a brown study, and sat contemplating it with far
greater attention than, in a more conscious mood, he would have deigned
to bestow upon the rarest exotic. At length, his eyes wandered to a
little dirty window on the left, through which the face of the clerk
was dimly visible; that worthy chancing to look up, he beckoned him to
attend.

In obedience to this summons the clerk got off the high stool (to which
he had communicated a high polish by countless gettings off and on),
and presented himself in Mr. Nickleby’s room. He was a tall man of middle
age, with two goggle eyes whereof one was a fixture, a rubicund nose,
a cadaverous face, and a suit of clothes (if the term be allowable
when they suited him not at all) much the worse for wear, very much too
small, and placed upon such a short allowance of buttons that it was
marvellous how he contrived to keep them on.

‘Was that half-past twelve, Noggs?’ said Mr. Nickleby, in a sharp and
grating voice.

‘Not more than five-and-twenty minutes by the--’ Noggs was going to
add public-house clock, but recollecting himself, substituted ‘regular
time.’

‘My watch has stopped,’ said Mr. Nickleby; ‘I don’t know from what
cause.’

‘Not wound up,’ said Noggs.

‘Yes it is,’ said Mr. Nickleby.

‘Over-wound then,’ rejoined Noggs.

‘That can’t very well be,’ observed Mr. Nickleby.

‘Must be,’ said Noggs.

‘Well!’ said Mr. Nickleby, putting the repeater back in his pocket;
‘perhaps it is.’

Noggs gave a peculiar grunt, as was his custom at the end of all
disputes with his master, to imply that he (Noggs) triumphed; and (as he
rarely spoke to anybody unless somebody spoke to him) fell into a grim
silence, and rubbed his hands slowly over each other: cracking the
joints of his fingers, and squeezing them into all possible distortions.
The incessant performance of this routine on every occasion, and the
communication of a fixed and rigid look to his unaffected eye, so as to
make it uniform with the other, and to render it impossible for anybody
to determine where or at what he was looking, were two among the
numerous peculiarities of Mr. Noggs, which struck an inexperienced
observer at first sight.

‘I am going to the London Tavern this morning,’ said Mr. Nickleby.

‘Public meeting?’ inquired Noggs.

Mr. Nickleby nodded. ‘I expect a letter from the solicitor respecting
that mortgage of Ruddle’s. If it comes at all, it will be here by the
two o’clock delivery. I shall leave the city about that time and walk
to Charing Cross on the left-hand side of the way; if there are any
letters, come and meet me, and bring them with you.’

Noggs nodded; and as he nodded, there came a ring at the office bell.
The master looked up from his papers, and the clerk calmly remained in a
stationary position.

‘The bell,’ said Noggs, as though in explanation. ‘At home?’

‘Yes.’

‘To anybody?’

‘Yes.’

‘To the tax-gatherer?’

‘No! Let him call again.’

Noggs gave vent to his usual grunt, as much as to say ‘I thought so!’
and, the ring being repeated, went to the door, whence he presently
returned, ushering in, by the name of Mr. Bonney, a pale gentleman in a
violent hurry, who, with his hair standing up in great disorder all over
his head, and a very narrow white cravat tied loosely round his throat,
looked as if he had been knocked up in the night and had not dressed
himself since.

‘My dear Nickleby,’ said the gentleman, taking off a white hat which was
so full of papers that it would scarcely stick upon his head, ‘there’s
not a moment to lose; I have a cab at the door. Sir Matthew Pupker takes
the chair, and three members of Parliament are positively coming. I have
seen two of them safely out of bed. The third, who was at Crockford’s
all night, has just gone home to put a clean shirt on, and take a bottle
or two of soda water, and will certainly be with us, in time to address
the meeting. He is a little excited by last night, but never mind that;
he always speaks the stronger for it.’

‘It seems to promise pretty well,’ said Mr. Ralph Nickleby, whose
deliberate manner was strongly opposed to the vivacity of the other man
of business.

‘Pretty well!’ echoed Mr. Bonney. ‘It’s the finest idea that was ever
started. “United Metropolitan Improved Hot Muffin and Crumpet Baking
and Punctual Delivery Company. Capital, five millions, in five hundred
thousand shares of ten pounds each.” Why the very name will get the
shares up to a premium in ten days.’

‘And when they ARE at a premium,’ said Mr. Ralph Nickleby, smiling.

‘When they are, you know what to do with them as well as any man alive,
and how to back quietly out at the right time,’ said Mr. Bonney, slapping
the capitalist familiarly on the shoulder. ‘By-the-bye, what a VERY
remarkable man that clerk of yours is.’

‘Yes, poor devil!’ replied Ralph, drawing on his gloves. ‘Though Newman
Noggs kept his horses and hounds once.’

‘Ay, ay?’ said the other carelessly.

‘Yes,’ continued Ralph, ‘and not many years ago either; but he
squandered his money, invested it anyhow, borrowed at interest, and in
short made first a thorough fool of himself, and then a beggar. He took
to drinking, and had a touch of paralysis, and then came here to borrow
a pound, as in his better days I had--’

‘Done business with him,’ said Mr. Bonney with a meaning look.

‘Just so,’ replied Ralph; ‘I couldn’t lend it, you know.’

‘Oh, of course not.’

‘But as I wanted a clerk just then, to open the door and so forth, I
took him out of charity, and he has remained with me ever since. He is
a little mad, I think,’ said Mr. Nickleby, calling up a charitable look,
‘but he is useful enough, poor creature--useful enough.’

The kind-hearted gentleman omitted to add that Newman Noggs, being
utterly destitute, served him for rather less than the usual wages of a
boy of thirteen; and likewise failed to mention in his hasty chronicle,
that his eccentric taciturnity rendered him an especially valuable
person in a place where much business was done, of which it was
desirable no mention should be made out of doors. The other gentleman
was plainly impatient to be gone, however, and as they hurried into the
hackney cabriolet immediately afterwards, perhaps Mr. Nickleby forgot to
mention circumstances so unimportant.

There was a great bustle in Bishopsgate Street Within, as they drew up,
and (it being a windy day) half-a-dozen men were tacking across the road
under a press of paper, bearing gigantic announcements that a Public
Meeting would be holden at one o’clock precisely, to take into
consideration the propriety of petitioning Parliament in favour of the
United Metropolitan Improved Hot Muffin and Crumpet Baking and Punctual
Delivery Company, capital five millions, in five hundred thousand shares
of ten pounds each; which sums were duly set forth in fat black figures
of considerable size. Mr. Bonney elbowed his way briskly upstairs,
receiving in his progress many low bows from the waiters who stood on
the landings to show the way; and, followed by Mr. Nickleby, dived into a
suite of apartments behind the great public room: in the second of which
was a business-looking table, and several business-looking people.

‘Hear!’ cried a gentleman with a double chin, as Mr. Bonney presented
himself. ‘Chair, gentlemen, chair!’

The new-comers were received with universal approbation, and Mr. Bonney
bustled up to the top of the table, took off his hat, ran his fingers
through his hair, and knocked a hackney-coachman’s knock on the table
with a little hammer: whereat several gentlemen cried ‘Hear!’ and nodded
slightly to each other, as much as to say what spirited conduct that
was. Just at this moment, a waiter, feverish with agitation, tore into
the room, and throwing the door open with a crash, shouted ‘Sir Matthew
Pupker!’

The committee stood up and clapped their hands for joy, and while they
were clapping them, in came Sir Matthew Pupker, attended by two live
members of Parliament, one Irish and one Scotch, all smiling and bowing,
and looking so pleasant that it seemed a perfect marvel how any
man could have the heart to vote against them. Sir Matthew Pupker
especially, who had a little round head with a flaxen wig on the top
of it, fell into such a paroxysm of bows, that the wig threatened to
be jerked off, every instant. When these symptoms had in some degree
subsided, the gentlemen who were on speaking terms with Sir Matthew
Pupker, or the two other members, crowded round them in three little
groups, near one or other of which the gentlemen who were NOT on
speaking terms with Sir Matthew Pupker or the two other members, stood
lingering, and smiling, and rubbing their hands, in the desperate hope
of something turning up which might bring them into notice. All this
time, Sir Matthew Pupker and the two other members were relating to
their separate circles what the intentions of government were, about
taking up the bill; with a full account of what the government had said
in a whisper the last time they dined with it, and how the government
had been observed to wink when it said so; from which premises they were
at no loss to draw the conclusion, that if the government had one
object more at heart than another, that one object was the welfare and
advantage of the United Metropolitan Improved Hot Muffin and Crumpet
Baking and Punctual Delivery Company.

Meanwhile, and pending the arrangement of the proceedings, and a fair
division of the speechifying, the public in the large room were eyeing,
by turns, the empty platform, and the ladies in the Music Gallery. In
these amusements the greater portion of them had been occupied for a
couple of hours before, and as the most agreeable diversions pall upon
the taste on a too protracted enjoyment of them, the sterner spirits now
began to hammer the floor with their boot-heels, and to express their
dissatisfaction by various hoots and cries. These vocal exertions,
emanating from the people who had been there longest, naturally
proceeded from those who were nearest to the platform and furthest from
the policemen in attendance, who having no great mind to fight their way
through the crowd, but entertaining nevertheless a praiseworthy desire
to do something to quell the disturbance, immediately began to drag
forth, by the coat tails and collars, all the quiet people near the
door; at the same time dealing out various smart and tingling blows with
their truncheons, after the manner of that ingenious actor, Mr. Punch:
whose brilliant example, both in the fashion of his weapons and their
use, this branch of the executive occasionally follows.

Several very exciting skirmishes were in progress, when a loud shout
attracted the attention even of the belligerents, and then there poured
on to the platform, from a door at the side, a long line of gentlemen
with their hats off, all looking behind them, and uttering vociferous
cheers; the cause whereof was sufficiently explained when Sir Matthew
Pupker and the two other real members of Parliament came to the front,
amidst deafening shouts, and testified to each other in dumb motions
that they had never seen such a glorious sight as that, in the whole
course of their public career.

At length, and at last, the assembly left off shouting, but Sir Matthew
Pupker being voted into the chair, they underwent a relapse which lasted
five minutes. This over, Sir Matthew Pupker went on to say what must be
his feelings on that great occasion, and what must be that occasion
in the eyes of the world, and what must be the intelligence of
his fellow-countrymen before him, and what must be the wealth and
respectability of his honourable friends behind him, and lastly, what
must be the importance to the wealth, the happiness, the comfort, the
liberty, the very existence of a free and great people, of such an
Institution as the United Metropolitan Improved Hot Muffin and Crumpet
Baking and Punctual Delivery Company!

Mr. Bonney then presented himself to move the first resolution; and
having run his right hand through his hair, and planted his left, in
an easy manner, in his ribs, he consigned his hat to the care of the
gentleman with the double chin (who acted as a species of bottle-holder
to the orators generally), and said he would read to them the first
resolution--‘That this meeting views with alarm and apprehension,
the existing state of the Muffin Trade in this Metropolis and its
neighbourhood; that it considers the Muffin Boys, as at present
constituted, wholly underserving the confidence of the public; and that
it deems the whole Muffin system alike prejudicial to the health and
morals of the people, and subversive of the best interests of a great
commercial and mercantile community.’ The honourable gentleman made a
speech which drew tears from the eyes of the ladies, and awakened the
liveliest emotions in every individual present. He had visited the
houses of the poor in the various districts of London, and had found
them destitute of the slightest vestige of a muffin, which there
appeared too much reason to believe some of these indigent persons
did not taste from year’s end to year’s end. He had found that among
muffin-sellers there existed drunkenness, debauchery, and profligacy,
which he attributed to the debasing nature of their employment as at
present exercised; he had found the same vices among the poorer class of
people who ought to be muffin consumers; and this he attributed to
the despair engendered by their being placed beyond the reach of that
nutritious article, which drove them to seek a false stimulant in
intoxicating liquors. He would undertake to prove before a committee of
the House of Commons, that there existed a combination to keep up the
price of muffins, and to give the bellmen a monopoly; he would prove it
by bellmen at the bar of that House; and he would also prove, that these
men corresponded with each other by secret words and signs as ‘Snooks,’
‘Walker,’ ‘Ferguson,’ ‘Is Murphy right?’ and many others. It was
this melancholy state of things that the Company proposed to correct;
firstly, by prohibiting, under heavy penalties, all private muffin
trading of every description; secondly, by themselves supplying the
public generally, and the poor at their own homes, with muffins of first
quality at reduced prices. It was with this object that a bill had
been introduced into Parliament by their patriotic chairman Sir Matthew
Pupker; it was this bill that they had met to support; it was the
supporters of this bill who would confer undying brightness and
splendour upon England, under the name of the United Metropolitan
Improved Hot Muffin and Crumpet Baking and Punctual Delivery Company;
he would add, with a capital of Five Millions, in five hundred thousand
shares of ten pounds each.

Mr. Ralph Nickleby seconded the resolution, and another gentleman having
moved that it be amended by the insertion of the words ‘and crumpet’
after the word ‘muffin,’ whenever it occurred, it was carried
triumphantly. Only one man in the crowd cried ‘No!’ and he was promptly
taken into custody, and straightway borne off.

The second resolution, which recognised the expediency of immediately
abolishing ‘all muffin (or crumpet) sellers, all traders in muffins (or
crumpets) of whatsoever description, whether male or female, boys or
men, ringing hand-bells or otherwise,’ was moved by a grievous gentleman
of semi-clerical appearance, who went at once into such deep pathetics,
that he knocked the first speaker clean out of the course in no time.
You might have heard a pin fall--a pin! a feather--as he described
the cruelties inflicted on muffin boys by their masters, which he
very wisely urged were in themselves a sufficient reason for the
establishment of that inestimable company. It seemed that the unhappy
youths were nightly turned out into the wet streets at the most
inclement periods of the year, to wander about, in darkness and rain--or
it might be hail or snow--for hours together, without shelter, food,
or warmth; and let the public never forget upon the latter point, that
while the muffins were provided with warm clothing and blankets,
the boys were wholly unprovided for, and left to their own miserable
resources. (Shame!) The honourable gentleman related one case of a
muffin boy, who having been exposed to this inhuman and barbarous system
for no less than five years, at length fell a victim to a cold in the
head, beneath which he gradually sunk until he fell into a perspiration
and recovered; this he could vouch for, on his own authority, but he
had heard (and he had no reason to doubt the fact) of a still more
heart-rending and appalling circumstance. He had heard of the case of an
orphan muffin boy, who, having been run over by a hackney carriage, had
been removed to the hospital, had undergone the amputation of his
leg below the knee, and was now actually pursuing his occupation on
crutches. Fountain of justice, were these things to last!

This was the department of the subject that took the meeting, and this
was the style of speaking to enlist their sympathies. The men shouted;
the ladies wept into their pocket-handkerchiefs till they were moist,
and waved them till they were dry; the excitement was tremendous; and
Mr. Nickleby whispered his friend that the shares were thenceforth at a
premium of five-and-twenty per cent.

The resolution was, of course, carried with loud acclamations, every
man holding up both hands in favour of it, as he would in his enthusiasm
have held up both legs also, if he could have conveniently accomplished
it. This done, the draft of the proposed petition was read at length:
and the petition said, as all petitions DO say, that the petitioners
were very humble, and the petitioned very honourable, and the object
very virtuous; therefore (said the petition) the bill ought to be passed
into a law at once, to the everlasting honour and glory of that most
honourable and glorious Commons of England in Parliament assembled.

Then, the gentleman who had been at Crockford’s all night, and who
looked something the worse about the eyes in consequence, came forward
to tell his fellow-countrymen what a speech he meant to make in favour
of that petition whenever it should be presented, and how desperately he
meant to taunt the parliament if they rejected the bill; and to inform
them also, that he regretted his honourable friends had not inserted a
clause rendering the purchase of muffins and crumpets compulsory upon
all classes of the community, which he--opposing all half-measures,
and preferring to go the extreme animal--pledged himself to propose
and divide upon, in committee. After announcing this determination, the
honourable gentleman grew jocular; and as patent boots, lemon-coloured
kid gloves, and a fur coat collar, assist jokes materially, there
was immense laughter and much cheering, and moreover such a brilliant
display of ladies’ pocket-handkerchiefs, as threw the grievous gentleman
quite into the shade.

And when the petition had been read and was about to be adopted, there
came forward the Irish member (who was a young gentleman of ardent
temperament,) with such a speech as only an Irish member can make,
breathing the true soul and spirit of poetry, and poured forth with such
fervour, that it made one warm to look at him; in the course whereof,
he told them how he would demand the extension of that great boon to his
native country; how he would claim for her equal rights in the muffin
laws as in all other laws; and how he yet hoped to see the day when
crumpets should be toasted in her lowly cabins, and muffin bells should
ring in her rich green valleys. And, after him, came the Scotch member,
with various pleasant allusions to the probable amount of profits, which
increased the good humour that the poetry had awakened; and all the
speeches put together did exactly what they were intended to do, and
established in the hearers’ minds that there was no speculation
so promising, or at the same time so praiseworthy, as the United
Metropolitan Improved Hot Muffin and Crumpet Baking and Punctual
Delivery Company.

So, the petition in favour of the bill was agreed upon, and the meeting
adjourned with acclamations, and Mr. Nickleby and the other directors
went to the office to lunch, as they did every day at half-past one
o’clock; and to remunerate themselves for which trouble, (as the company
was yet in its infancy,) they only charged three guineas each man for
every such attendance.



CHAPTER 3

Mr. Ralph Nickleby receives Sad Tidings of his Brother, but bears up
nobly against the Intelligence communicated to him. The Reader is
informed how he liked Nicholas, who is herein introduced, and how kindly
he proposed to make his Fortune at once


Having rendered his zealous assistance towards dispatching the lunch,
with all that promptitude and energy which are among the most important
qualities that men of business can possess, Mr. Ralph Nickleby took a
cordial farewell of his fellow-speculators, and bent his steps westward
in unwonted good humour. As he passed St Paul’s he stepped aside into
a doorway to set his watch, and with his hand on the key and his eye
on the cathedral dial, was intent upon so doing, when a man suddenly
stopped before him. It was Newman Noggs.

‘Ah! Newman,’ said Mr. Nickleby, looking up as he pursued his occupation.
‘The letter about the mortgage has come, has it? I thought it would.’

‘Wrong,’ replied Newman.

‘What! and nobody called respecting it?’ inquired Mr. Nickleby, pausing.
Noggs shook his head.

‘What HAS come, then?’ inquired Mr. Nickleby.

‘I have,’ said Newman.

‘What else?’ demanded the master, sternly.

‘This,’ said Newman, drawing a sealed letter slowly from his pocket.
‘Post-mark, Strand, black wax, black border, woman’s hand, C. N. in the
corner.’

‘Black wax?’ said Mr. Nickleby, glancing at the letter. ‘I know something
of that hand, too. Newman, I shouldn’t be surprised if my brother were
dead.’

‘I don’t think you would,’ said Newman, quietly.

‘Why not, sir?’ demanded Mr. Nickleby.

‘You never are surprised,’ replied Newman, ‘that’s all.’

Mr. Nickleby snatched the letter from his assistant, and fixing a cold
look upon him, opened, read it, put it in his pocket, and having now hit
the time to a second, began winding up his watch.

‘It is as I expected, Newman,’ said Mr. Nickleby, while he was thus
engaged. ‘He IS dead. Dear me! Well, that’s sudden thing. I shouldn’t
have thought it, really.’ With these touching expressions of sorrow, Mr
Nickleby replaced his watch in his fob, and, fitting on his gloves to a
nicety, turned upon his way, and walked slowly westward with his hands
behind him.

‘Children alive?’ inquired Noggs, stepping up to him.

‘Why, that’s the very thing,’ replied Mr. Nickleby, as though his
thoughts were about them at that moment. ‘They are both alive.’

‘Both!’ repeated Newman Noggs, in a low voice.

‘And the widow, too,’ added Mr. Nickleby, ‘and all three in London,
confound them; all three here, Newman.’

Newman fell a little behind his master, and his face was curiously
twisted as by a spasm; but whether of paralysis, or grief, or inward
laughter, nobody but himself could possibly explain. The expression of
a man’s face is commonly a help to his thoughts, or glossary on his
speech; but the countenance of Newman Noggs, in his ordinary moods, was
a problem which no stretch of ingenuity could solve.

‘Go home!’ said Mr. Nickleby, after they had walked a few paces: looking
round at the clerk as if he were his dog. The words were scarcely
uttered when Newman darted across the road, slunk among the crowd, and
disappeared in an instant.

‘Reasonable, certainly!’ muttered Mr. Nickleby to himself, as he walked
on, ‘very reasonable! My brother never did anything for me, and I never
expected it; the breath is no sooner out of his body than I am to be
looked to, as the support of a great hearty woman, and a grown boy and
girl. What are they to me! I never saw them.’

Full of these, and many other reflections of a similar kind, Mr. Nickleby
made the best of his way to the Strand, and, referring to his letter as
if to ascertain the number of the house he wanted, stopped at a private
door about half-way down that crowded thoroughfare.

A miniature painter lived there, for there was a large gilt frame
screwed upon the street-door, in which were displayed, upon a black
velvet ground, two portraits of naval dress coats with faces looking
out of them, and telescopes attached; one of a young gentleman in a very
vermilion uniform, flourishing a sabre; and one of a literary character
with a high forehead, a pen and ink, six books, and a curtain. There
was, moreover, a touching representation of a young lady reading a
manuscript in an unfathomable forest, and a charming whole length of a
large-headed little boy, sitting on a stool with his legs fore-shortened
to the size of salt-spoons. Besides these works of art, there were a
great many heads of old ladies and gentlemen smirking at each other out
of blue and brown skies, and an elegantly written card of terms with an
embossed border.

Mr. Nickleby glanced at these frivolities with great contempt, and gave
a double knock, which, having been thrice repeated, was answered by a
servant girl with an uncommonly dirty face.

‘Is Mrs. Nickleby at home, girl?’ demanded Ralph sharply.

‘Her name ain’t Nickleby,’ said the girl, ‘La Creevy, you mean.’

Mr. Nickleby looked very indignant at the handmaid on being thus
corrected, and demanded with much asperity what she meant; which she
was about to state, when a female voice proceeding from a perpendicular
staircase at the end of the passage, inquired who was wanted.

‘Mrs. Nickleby,’ said Ralph.

‘It’s the second floor, Hannah,’ said the same voice; ‘what a stupid
thing you are! Is the second floor at home?’

‘Somebody went out just now, but I think it was the attic which had been
a cleaning of himself,’ replied the girl.

‘You had better see,’ said the invisible female. ‘Show the gentleman
where the bell is, and tell him he mustn’t knock double knocks for the
second floor; I can’t allow a knock except when the bell’s broke, and
then it must be two single ones.’

‘Here,’ said Ralph, walking in without more parley, ‘I beg your pardon;
is that Mrs. La what’s-her-name?’

‘Creevy--La Creevy,’ replied the voice, as a yellow headdress bobbed
over the banisters.

‘I’ll speak to you a moment, ma’am, with your leave,’ said Ralph.

The voice replied that the gentleman was to walk up; but he had walked
up before it spoke, and stepping into the first floor, was received by
the wearer of the yellow head-dress, who had a gown to correspond, and
was of much the same colour herself. Miss La Creevy was a mincing
young lady of fifty, and Miss La Creevy’s apartment was the gilt frame
downstairs on a larger scale and something dirtier.

‘Hem!’ said Miss La Creevy, coughing delicately behind her black silk
mitten. ‘A miniature, I presume. A very strongly-marked countenance for
the purpose, sir. Have you ever sat before?’

‘You mistake my purpose, I see, ma’am,’ replied Mr. Nickleby, in his
usual blunt fashion. ‘I have no money to throw away on miniatures,
ma’am, and nobody to give one to (thank God) if I had. Seeing you on the
stairs, I wanted to ask a question of you, about some lodgers here.’

Miss La Creevy coughed once more--this cough was to conceal her
disappointment--and said, ‘Oh, indeed!’

‘I infer from what you said to your servant, that the floor above
belongs to you, ma’am,’ said Mr. Nickleby.

Yes it did, Miss La Creevy replied. The upper part of the house belonged
to her, and as she had no necessity for the second-floor rooms just
then, she was in the habit of letting them. Indeed, there was a lady
from the country and her two children in them, at that present speaking.

‘A widow, ma’am?’ said Ralph.

‘Yes, she is a widow,’ replied the lady.

‘A POOR widow, ma’am,’ said Ralph, with a powerful emphasis on that
little adjective which conveys so much.

‘Well, I’m afraid she IS poor,’ rejoined Miss La Creevy.

‘I happen to know that she is, ma’am,’ said Ralph. ‘Now, what business
has a poor widow in such a house as this, ma’am?’

‘Very true,’ replied Miss La Creevy, not at all displeased with this
implied compliment to the apartments. ‘Exceedingly true.’

‘I know her circumstances intimately, ma’am,’ said Ralph; ‘in fact, I
am a relation of the family; and I should recommend you not to keep them
here, ma’am.’

‘I should hope, if there was any incompatibility to meet the pecuniary
obligations,’ said Miss La Creevy with another cough, ‘that the lady’s
family would--’

‘No they wouldn’t, ma’am,’ interrupted Ralph, hastily. ‘Don’t think it.’

‘If I am to understand that,’ said Miss La Creevy, ‘the case wears a
very different appearance.’

‘You may understand it then, ma’am,’ said Ralph, ‘and make your
arrangements accordingly. I am the family, ma’am--at least, I believe
I am the only relation they have, and I think it right that you should
know I can’t support them in their extravagances. How long have they
taken these lodgings for?’

‘Only from week to week,’ replied Miss La Creevy. ‘Mrs. Nickleby paid the
first week in advance.’

‘Then you had better get them out at the end of it,’ said Ralph.
‘They can’t do better than go back to the country, ma’am; they are in
everybody’s way here.’

‘Certainly,’ said Miss La Creevy, rubbing her hands, ‘if Mrs. Nickleby
took the apartments without the means of paying for them, it was very
unbecoming a lady.’

‘Of course it was, ma’am,’ said Ralph.

‘And naturally,’ continued Miss La Creevy, ‘I who am, AT
PRESENT--hem--an unprotected female, cannot afford to lose by the
apartments.’

‘Of course you can’t, ma’am,’ replied Ralph.

‘Though at the same time,’ added Miss La Creevy, who was plainly
wavering between her good-nature and her interest, ‘I have nothing
whatever to say against the lady, who is extremely pleasant and affable,
though, poor thing, she seems terribly low in her spirits; nor against
the young people either, for nicer, or better-behaved young people
cannot be.’

‘Very well, ma’am,’ said Ralph, turning to the door, for these encomiums
on poverty irritated him; ‘I have done my duty, and perhaps more than I
ought: of course nobody will thank me for saying what I have.’

‘I am sure I am very much obliged to you at least, sir,’ said Miss La
Creevy in a gracious manner. ‘Would you do me the favour to look at a
few specimens of my portrait painting?’

‘You’re very good, ma’am,’ said Mr. Nickleby, making off with great
speed; ‘but as I have a visit to pay upstairs, and my time is precious,
I really can’t.’

‘At any other time when you are passing, I shall be most happy,’ said
Miss La Creevy. ‘Perhaps you will have the kindness to take a card of
terms with you? Thank you--good-morning!’

‘Good-morning, ma’am,’ said Ralph, shutting the door abruptly after him
to prevent any further conversation. ‘Now for my sister-in-law. Bah!’

Climbing up another perpendicular flight, composed with great mechanical
ingenuity of nothing but corner stairs, Mr. Ralph Nickleby stopped to
take breath on the landing, when he was overtaken by the handmaid, whom
the politeness of Miss La Creevy had dispatched to announce him, and
who had apparently been making a variety of unsuccessful attempts, since
their last interview, to wipe her dirty face clean, upon an apron much
dirtier.

‘What name?’ said the girl.

‘Nickleby,’ replied Ralph.

‘Oh! Mrs. Nickleby,’ said the girl, throwing open the door, ‘here’s Mr
Nickleby.’

A lady in deep mourning rose as Mr. Ralph Nickleby entered, but appeared
incapable of advancing to meet him, and leant upon the arm of a slight
but very beautiful girl of about seventeen, who had been sitting by her.
A youth, who appeared a year or two older, stepped forward and saluted
Ralph as his uncle.

‘Oh,’ growled Ralph, with an ill-favoured frown, ‘you are Nicholas, I
suppose?’

‘That is my name, sir,’ replied the youth.

‘Put my hat down,’ said Ralph, imperiously. ‘Well, ma’am, how do you do?
You must bear up against sorrow, ma’am; I always do.’

‘Mine was no common loss!’ said Mrs. Nickleby, applying her handkerchief
to her eyes.

‘It was no UNcommon loss, ma’am,’ returned Ralph, as he coolly
unbuttoned his spencer. ‘Husbands die every day, ma’am, and wives too.’

‘And brothers also, sir,’ said Nicholas, with a glance of indignation.

‘Yes, sir, and puppies, and pug-dogs likewise,’ replied his uncle,
taking a chair. ‘You didn’t mention in your letter what my brother’s
complaint was, ma’am.’

‘The doctors could attribute it to no particular disease,’ said Mrs
Nickleby; shedding tears. ‘We have too much reason to fear that he died
of a broken heart.’

‘Pooh!’ said Ralph, ‘there’s no such thing. I can understand a man’s
dying of a broken neck, or suffering from a broken arm, or a broken
head, or a broken leg, or a broken nose; but a broken heart!--nonsense,
it’s the cant of the day. If a man can’t pay his debts, he dies of a
broken heart, and his widow’s a martyr.’

‘Some people, I believe, have no hearts to break,’ observed Nicholas,
quietly.

‘How old is this boy, for God’s sake?’ inquired Ralph, wheeling back his
chair, and surveying his nephew from head to foot with intense scorn.

‘Nicholas is very nearly nineteen,’ replied the widow.

‘Nineteen, eh!’ said Ralph; ‘and what do you mean to do for your bread,
sir?’

‘Not to live upon my mother,’ replied Nicholas, his heart swelling as he
spoke.

‘You’d have little enough to live upon, if you did,’ retorted the uncle,
eyeing him contemptuously.

‘Whatever it be,’ said Nicholas, flushed with anger, ‘I shall not look
to you to make it more.’

‘Nicholas, my dear, recollect yourself,’ remonstrated Mrs. Nickleby.

‘Dear Nicholas, pray,’ urged the young lady.

‘Hold your tongue, sir,’ said Ralph. ‘Upon my word! Fine beginnings, Mrs
Nickleby--fine beginnings!’

Mrs. Nickleby made no other reply than entreating Nicholas by a gesture
to keep silent; and the uncle and nephew looked at each other for
some seconds without speaking. The face of the old man was stern,
hard-featured, and forbidding; that of the young one, open, handsome,
and ingenuous. The old man’s eye was keen with the twinklings of avarice
and cunning; the young man’s bright with the light of intelligence and
spirit. His figure was somewhat slight, but manly and well formed; and,
apart from all the grace of youth and comeliness, there was an emanation
from the warm young heart in his look and bearing which kept the old man
down.

However striking such a contrast as this may be to lookers-on, none ever
feel it with half the keenness or acuteness of perfection with which it
strikes to the very soul of him whose inferiority it marks. It galled
Ralph to the heart’s core, and he hated Nicholas from that hour.

The mutual inspection was at length brought to a close by Ralph
withdrawing his eyes, with a great show of disdain, and calling Nicholas
‘a boy.’ This word is much used as a term of reproach by elderly
gentlemen towards their juniors: probably with the view of deluding
society into the belief that if they could be young again, they wouldn’t
on any account.

‘Well, ma’am,’ said Ralph, impatiently, ‘the creditors have
administered, you tell me, and there’s nothing left for you?’

‘Nothing,’ replied Mrs. Nickleby.

‘And you spent what little money you had, in coming all the way to
London, to see what I could do for you?’ pursued Ralph.

‘I hoped,’ faltered Mrs. Nickleby, ‘that you might have an opportunity of
doing something for your brother’s children. It was his dying wish that
I should appeal to you in their behalf.’

‘I don’t know how it is,’ muttered Ralph, walking up and down the room,
‘but whenever a man dies without any property of his own, he always
seems to think he has a right to dispose of other people’s. What is your
daughter fit for, ma’am?’

‘Kate has been well educated,’ sobbed Mrs. Nickleby. ‘Tell your uncle, my
dear, how far you went in French and extras.’

The poor girl was about to murmur something, when her uncle stopped her,
very unceremoniously.

‘We must try and get you apprenticed at some boarding-school,’ said
Ralph. ‘You have not been brought up too delicately for that, I hope?’

‘No, indeed, uncle,’ replied the weeping girl. ‘I will try to do
anything that will gain me a home and bread.’

‘Well, well,’ said Ralph, a little softened, either by his niece’s
beauty or her distress (stretch a point, and say the latter). ‘You must
try it, and if the life is too hard, perhaps dressmaking or tambour-work
will come lighter. Have YOU ever done anything, sir?’ (turning to his
nephew.)

‘No,’ replied Nicholas, bluntly.

‘No, I thought not!’ said Ralph. ‘This is the way my brother brought up
his children, ma’am.’

‘Nicholas has not long completed such education as his poor father could
give him,’ rejoined Mrs. Nickleby, ‘and he was thinking of--’

‘Of making something of him someday,’ said Ralph. ‘The old story; always
thinking, and never doing. If my brother had been a man of activity
and prudence, he might have left you a rich woman, ma’am: and if he had
turned his son into the world, as my father turned me, when I wasn’t as
old as that boy by a year and a half, he would have been in a situation
to help you, instead of being a burden upon you, and increasing your
distress. My brother was a thoughtless, inconsiderate man, Mrs. Nickleby,
and nobody, I am sure, can have better reason to feel that, than you.’

This appeal set the widow upon thinking that perhaps she might have made
a more successful venture with her one thousand pounds, and then she
began to reflect what a comfortable sum it would have been just then;
which dismal thoughts made her tears flow faster, and in the excess of
these griefs she (being a well-meaning woman enough, but weak withal)
fell first to deploring her hard fate, and then to remarking, with many
sobs, that to be sure she had been a slave to poor Nicholas, and had
often told him she might have married better (as indeed she had, very
often), and that she never knew in his lifetime how the money went, but
that if he had confided in her they might all have been better off that
day; with other bitter recollections common to most married ladies,
either during their coverture, or afterwards, or at both periods. Mrs
Nickleby concluded by lamenting that the dear departed had never deigned
to profit by her advice, save on one occasion; which was a strictly
veracious statement, inasmuch as he had only acted upon it once, and had
ruined himself in consequence.

Mr. Ralph Nickleby heard all this with a half-smile; and when the widow
had finished, quietly took up the subject where it had been left before
the above outbreak.

‘Are you willing to work, sir?’ he inquired, frowning on his nephew.

‘Of course I am,’ replied Nicholas haughtily.

‘Then see here, sir,’ said his uncle. ‘This caught my eye this morning,
and you may thank your stars for it.’

With this exordium, Mr. Ralph Nickleby took a newspaper from his
pocket, and after unfolding it, and looking for a short time among the
advertisements, read as follows:

‘“EDUCATION.--At Mr. Wackford Squeers’s Academy, Dotheboys Hall, at the
delightful village of Dotheboys, near Greta Bridge in Yorkshire, Youth
are boarded, clothed, booked, furnished with pocket-money, provided
with all necessaries, instructed in all languages living and dead,
mathematics, orthography, geometry, astronomy, trigonometry, the use of
the globes, algebra, single stick (if required), writing, arithmetic,
fortification, and every other branch of classical literature.
Terms, twenty guineas per annum. No extras, no vacations, and diet
unparalleled. Mr. Squeers is in town, and attends daily, from one till
four, at the Saracen’s Head, Snow Hill. N.B. An able assistant wanted.
Annual salary 5 pounds. A Master of Arts would be preferred.”

‘There!’ said Ralph, folding the paper again. ‘Let him get that
situation, and his fortune is made.’

‘But he is not a Master of Arts,’ said Mrs. Nickleby.

‘That,’ replied Ralph, ‘that, I think, can be got over.’

‘But the salary is so small, and it is such a long way off, uncle!’
faltered Kate.

‘Hush, Kate my dear,’ interposed Mrs. Nickleby; ‘your uncle must know
best.’

‘I say,’ repeated Ralph, tartly, ‘let him get that situation, and his
fortune is made. If he don’t like that, let him get one for himself.
Without friends, money, recommendation, or knowledge of business of any
kind, let him find honest employment in London, which will keep him in
shoe leather, and I’ll give him a thousand pounds. At least,’ said Mr
Ralph Nickleby, checking himself, ‘I would if I had it.’

‘Poor fellow!’ said the young lady. ‘Oh! uncle, must we be separated so
soon!’

‘Don’t tease your uncle with questions when he is thinking only for our
good, my love,’ said Mrs. Nickleby. ‘Nicholas, my dear, I wish you would
say something.’

‘Yes, mother, yes,’ said Nicholas, who had hitherto remained silent and
absorbed in thought. ‘If I am fortunate enough to be appointed to this
post, sir, for which I am so imperfectly qualified, what will become of
those I leave behind?’

‘Your mother and sister, sir,’ replied Ralph, ‘will be provided for, in
that case (not otherwise), by me, and placed in some sphere of life in
which they will be able to be independent. That will be my immediate
care; they will not remain as they are, one week after your departure, I
will undertake.’

‘Then,’ said Nicholas, starting gaily up, and wringing his uncle’s hand,
‘I am ready to do anything you wish me. Let us try our fortune with Mr
Squeers at once; he can but refuse.’

‘He won’t do that,’ said Ralph. ‘He will be glad to have you on my
recommendation. Make yourself of use to him, and you’ll rise to be a
partner in the establishment in no time. Bless me, only think! if he
were to die, why your fortune’s made at once.’

‘To be sure, I see it all,’ said poor Nicholas, delighted with a
thousand visionary ideas, that his good spirits and his inexperience
were conjuring up before him. ‘Or suppose some young nobleman who is
being educated at the Hall, were to take a fancy to me, and get his
father to appoint me his travelling tutor when he left, and when we
come back from the continent, procured me some handsome appointment. Eh!
uncle?’

‘Ah, to be sure!’ sneered Ralph.

‘And who knows, but when he came to see me when I was settled (as he
would of course), he might fall in love with Kate, who would be keeping
my house, and--and marry her, eh! uncle? Who knows?’

‘Who, indeed!’ snarled Ralph.

‘How happy we should be!’ cried Nicholas with enthusiasm. ‘The pain of
parting is nothing to the joy of meeting again. Kate will be a beautiful
woman, and I so proud to hear them say so, and mother so happy to
be with us once again, and all these sad times forgotten, and--’ The
picture was too bright a one to bear, and Nicholas, fairly overpowered
by it, smiled faintly, and burst into tears.

This simple family, born and bred in retirement, and wholly unacquainted
with what is called the world--a conventional phrase which, being
interpreted, often signifieth all the rascals in it--mingled their tears
together at the thought of their first separation; and, this first gush
of feeling over, were proceeding to dilate with all the buoyancy of
untried hope on the bright prospects before them, when Mr. Ralph Nickleby
suggested, that if they lost time, some more fortunate candidate
might deprive Nicholas of the stepping-stone to fortune which the
advertisement pointed out, and so undermine all their air-built castles.
This timely reminder effectually stopped the conversation. Nicholas,
having carefully copied the address of Mr. Squeers, the uncle and nephew
issued forth together in quest of that accomplished gentleman; Nicholas
firmly persuading himself that he had done his relative great injustice
in disliking him at first sight; and Mrs. Nickleby being at some pains to
inform her daughter that she was sure he was a much more kindly disposed
person than he seemed; which, Miss Nickleby dutifully remarked, he might
very easily be.

To tell the truth, the good lady’s opinion had been not a little
influenced by her brother-in-law’s appeal to her better understanding,
and his implied compliment to her high deserts; and although she had
dearly loved her husband, and still doted on her children, he had struck
so successfully on one of those little jarring chords in the human heart
(Ralph was well acquainted with its worst weaknesses, though he knew
nothing of its best), that she had already begun seriously to consider
herself the amiable and suffering victim of her late husband’s
imprudence.



CHAPTER 4

Nicholas and his Uncle (to secure the Fortune without loss of time) wait
upon Mr. Wackford Squeers, the Yorkshire Schoolmaster


Snow Hill! What kind of place can the quiet townspeople who see the
words emblazoned, in all the legibility of gilt letters and dark
shading, on the north-country coaches, take Snow Hill to be? All
people have some undefined and shadowy notion of a place whose name is
frequently before their eyes, or often in their ears. What a vast number
of random ideas there must be perpetually floating about, regarding this
same Snow Hill. The name is such a good one. Snow Hill--Snow Hill too,
coupled with a Saracen’s Head: picturing to us by a double association
of ideas, something stern and rugged! A bleak desolate tract of country,
open to piercing blasts and fierce wintry storms--a dark, cold, gloomy
heath, lonely by day, and scarcely to be thought of by honest folks
at night--a place which solitary wayfarers shun, and where desperate
robbers congregate;--this, or something like this, should be the
prevalent notion of Snow Hill, in those remote and rustic parts, through
which the Saracen’s Head, like some grim apparition, rushes each day and
night with mysterious and ghost-like punctuality; holding its swift and
headlong course in all weathers, and seeming to bid defiance to the very
elements themselves.

The reality is rather different, but by no means to be despised
notwithstanding. There, at the very core of London, in the heart of its
business and animation, in the midst of a whirl of noise and motion:
stemming as it were the giant currents of life that flow ceaselessly on
from different quarters, and meet beneath its walls: stands Newgate; and
in that crowded street on which it frowns so darkly--within a few feet
of the squalid tottering houses--upon the very spot on which the vendors
of soup and fish and damaged fruit are now plying their trades--scores
of human beings, amidst a roar of sounds to which even the tumult of a
great city is as nothing, four, six, or eight strong men at a time, have
been hurried violently and swiftly from the world, when the scene has
been rendered frightful with excess of human life; when curious eyes
have glared from casement and house-top, and wall and pillar; and
when, in the mass of white and upturned faces, the dying wretch, in his
all-comprehensive look of agony, has met not one--not one--that bore the
impress of pity or compassion.

Near to the jail, and by consequence near to Smithfield also, and
the Compter, and the bustle and noise of the city; and just on that
particular part of Snow Hill where omnibus horses going eastward
seriously think of falling down on purpose, and where horses in hackney
cabriolets going westward not unfrequently fall by accident, is
the coach-yard of the Saracen’s Head Inn; its portal guarded by two
Saracens’ heads and shoulders, which it was once the pride and glory of
the choice spirits of this metropolis to pull down at night, but which
have for some time remained in undisturbed tranquillity; possibly
because this species of humour is now confined to St James’s parish,
where door knockers are preferred as being more portable, and bell-wires
esteemed as convenient toothpicks. Whether this be the reason or not,
there they are, frowning upon you from each side of the gateway. The inn
itself garnished with another Saracen’s Head, frowns upon you from the
top of the yard; while from the door of the hind boot of all the red
coaches that are standing therein, there glares a small Saracen’s Head,
with a twin expression to the large Saracens’ Heads below, so that the
general appearance of the pile is decidedly of the Saracenic order.

When you walk up this yard, you will see the booking-office on your
left, and the tower of St Sepulchre’s church, darting abruptly up into
the sky, on your right, and a gallery of bedrooms on both sides. Just
before you, you will observe a long window with the words ‘coffee-room’
legibly painted above it; and looking out of that window, you would have
seen in addition, if you had gone at the right time, Mr. Wackford Squeers
with his hands in his pockets.

Mr. Squeers’s appearance was not prepossessing. He had but one eye,
and the popular prejudice runs in favour of two. The eye he had, was
unquestionably useful, but decidedly not ornamental: being of a greenish
grey, and in shape resembling the fan-light of a street door. The blank
side of his face was much wrinkled and puckered up, which gave him a
very sinister appearance, especially when he smiled, at which times his
expression bordered closely on the villainous. His hair was very flat
and shiny, save at the ends, where it was brushed stiffly up from a low
protruding forehead, which assorted well with his harsh voice and coarse
manner. He was about two or three and fifty, and a trifle below the
middle size; he wore a white neckerchief with long ends, and a suit of
scholastic black; but his coat sleeves being a great deal too long,
and his trousers a great deal too short, he appeared ill at ease in
his clothes, and as if he were in a perpetual state of astonishment at
finding himself so respectable.

Mr. Squeers was standing in a box by one of the coffee-room fire-places,
fitted with one such table as is usually seen in coffee-rooms, and two
of extraordinary shapes and dimensions made to suit the angles of the
partition. In a corner of the seat, was a very small deal trunk, tied
round with a scanty piece of cord; and on the trunk was perched--his
lace-up half-boots and corduroy trousers dangling in the air--a
diminutive boy, with his shoulders drawn up to his ears, and his hands
planted on his knees, who glanced timidly at the schoolmaster, from time
to time, with evident dread and apprehension.

‘Half-past three,’ muttered Mr. Squeers, turning from the window, and
looking sulkily at the coffee-room clock. ‘There will be nobody here
today.’

Much vexed by this reflection, Mr. Squeers looked at the little boy to
see whether he was doing anything he could beat him for. As he happened
not to be doing anything at all, he merely boxed his ears, and told him
not to do it again.

‘At Midsummer,’ muttered Mr. Squeers, resuming his complaint, ‘I took
down ten boys; ten twenties is two hundred pound. I go back at eight
o’clock tomorrow morning, and have got only three--three oughts is an
ought--three twos is six--sixty pound. What’s come of all the boys?
what’s parents got in their heads? what does it all mean?’

Here the little boy on the top of the trunk gave a violent sneeze.

‘Halloa, sir!’ growled the schoolmaster, turning round. ‘What’s that,
sir?’

‘Nothing, please sir,’ replied the little boy.

‘Nothing, sir!’ exclaimed Mr. Squeers.

‘Please sir, I sneezed,’ rejoined the boy, trembling till the little
trunk shook under him.

‘Oh! sneezed, did you?’ retorted Mr. Squeers. ‘Then what did you say
“nothing” for, sir?’

In default of a better answer to this question, the little boy screwed a
couple of knuckles into each of his eyes and began to cry, wherefore Mr
Squeers knocked him off the trunk with a blow on one side of the face,
and knocked him on again with a blow on the other.

‘Wait till I get you down into Yorkshire, my young gentleman,’ said Mr
Squeers, ‘and then I’ll give you the rest. Will you hold that noise,
sir?’

‘Ye--ye--yes,’ sobbed the little boy, rubbing his face very hard with
the Beggar’s Petition in printed calico.

‘Then do so at once, sir,’ said Squeers. ‘Do you hear?’

As this admonition was accompanied with a threatening gesture, and
uttered with a savage aspect, the little boy rubbed his face harder, as
if to keep the tears back; and, beyond alternately sniffing and choking,
gave no further vent to his emotions.

‘Mr. Squeers,’ said the waiter, looking in at this juncture; ‘here’s a
gentleman asking for you at the bar.’

‘Show the gentleman in, Richard,’ replied Mr. Squeers, in a soft voice.
‘Put your handkerchief in your pocket, you little scoundrel, or I’ll
murder you when the gentleman goes.’

The schoolmaster had scarcely uttered these words in a fierce whisper,
when the stranger entered. Affecting not to see him, Mr. Squeers feigned
to be intent upon mending a pen, and offering benevolent advice to his
youthful pupil.

‘My dear child,’ said Mr. Squeers, ‘all people have their trials. This
early trial of yours that is fit to make your little heart burst, and
your very eyes come out of your head with crying, what is it? Nothing;
less than nothing. You are leaving your friends, but you will have a
father in me, my dear, and a mother in Mrs. Squeers. At the delightful
village of Dotheboys, near Greta Bridge in Yorkshire, where youth are
boarded, clothed, booked, washed, furnished with pocket-money, provided
with all necessaries--’

‘It IS the gentleman,’ observed the stranger, stopping the schoolmaster
in the rehearsal of his advertisement. ‘Mr. Squeers, I believe, sir?’

‘The same, sir,’ said Mr. Squeers, with an assumption of extreme
surprise.

‘The gentleman,’ said the stranger, ‘that advertised in the Times
newspaper?’

‘--Morning Post, Chronicle, Herald, and Advertiser, regarding the
Academy called Dotheboys Hall at the delightful village of Dotheboys,
near Greta Bridge in Yorkshire,’ added Mr. Squeers. ‘You come on
business, sir. I see by my young friends. How do you do, my little
gentleman? and how do you do, sir?’ With this salutation Mr. Squeers
patted the heads of two hollow-eyed, small-boned little boys, whom the
applicant had brought with him, and waited for further communications.

‘I am in the oil and colour way. My name is Snawley, sir,’ said the
stranger.

Squeers inclined his head as much as to say, ‘And a remarkably pretty
name, too.’

The stranger continued. ‘I have been thinking, Mr. Squeers, of placing my
two boys at your school.’

‘It is not for me to say so, sir,’ replied Mr. Squeers, ‘but I don’t
think you could possibly do a better thing.’

‘Hem!’ said the other. ‘Twenty pounds per annewum, I believe, Mr
Squeers?’

‘Guineas,’ rejoined the schoolmaster, with a persuasive smile.

‘Pounds for two, I think, Mr. Squeers,’ said Mr. Snawley, solemnly.

‘I don’t think it could be done, sir,’ replied Squeers, as if he had
never considered the proposition before. ‘Let me see; four fives is
twenty, double that, and deduct the--well, a pound either way shall not
stand betwixt us. You must recommend me to your connection, sir, and
make it up that way.’

‘They are not great eaters,’ said Mr. Snawley.

‘Oh! that doesn’t matter at all,’ replied Squeers. ‘We don’t consider
the boys’ appetites at our establishment.’ This was strictly true; they
did not.

‘Every wholesome luxury, sir, that Yorkshire can afford,’ continued
Squeers; ‘every beautiful moral that Mrs. Squeers can instil; every--in
short, every comfort of a home that a boy could wish for, will be
theirs, Mr. Snawley.’

‘I should wish their morals to be particularly attended to,’ said Mr
Snawley.

‘I am glad of that, sir,’ replied the schoolmaster, drawing himself up.
‘They have come to the right shop for morals, sir.’

‘You are a moral man yourself,’ said Mr. Snawley.

‘I rather believe I am, sir,’ replied Squeers.

‘I have the satisfaction to know you are, sir,’ said Mr. Snawley. ‘I
asked one of your references, and he said you were pious.’

‘Well, sir, I hope I am a little in that line,’ replied Squeers.

‘I hope I am also,’ rejoined the other. ‘Could I say a few words with
you in the next box?’

‘By all means,’ rejoined Squeers with a grin. ‘My dears, will you speak
to your new playfellow a minute or two? That is one of my boys, sir.
Belling his name is,--a Taunton boy that, sir.’

‘Is he, indeed?’ rejoined Mr. Snawley, looking at the poor little urchin
as if he were some extraordinary natural curiosity.

‘He goes down with me tomorrow, sir,’ said Squeers. ‘That’s his luggage
that he is a sitting upon now. Each boy is required to bring, sir, two
suits of clothes, six shirts, six pair of stockings, two nightcaps, two
pocket-handkerchiefs, two pair of shoes, two hats, and a razor.’

‘A razor!’ exclaimed Mr. Snawley, as they walked into the next box. ‘What
for?’

‘To shave with,’ replied Squeers, in a slow and measured tone.

There was not much in these three words, but there must have been
something in the manner in which they were said, to attract attention;
for the schoolmaster and his companion looked steadily at each other for
a few seconds, and then exchanged a very meaning smile. Snawley was a
sleek, flat-nosed man, clad in sombre garments, and long black gaiters,
and bearing in his countenance an expression of much mortification
and sanctity; so, his smiling without any obvious reason was the more
remarkable.

‘Up to what age do you keep boys at your school then?’ he asked at
length.

‘Just as long as their friends make the quarterly payments to my agent
in town, or until such time as they run away,’ replied Squeers. ‘Let
us understand each other; I see we may safely do so. What are these
boys;--natural children?’

‘No,’ rejoined Snawley, meeting the gaze of the schoolmaster’s one eye.
‘They ain’t.’

‘I thought they might be,’ said Squeers, coolly. ‘We have a good many of
them; that boy’s one.’

‘Him in the next box?’ said Snawley.

Squeers nodded in the affirmative; his companion took another peep at
the little boy on the trunk, and, turning round again, looked as if he
were quite disappointed to see him so much like other boys, and said he
should hardly have thought it.

‘He is,’ cried Squeers. ‘But about these boys of yours; you wanted to
speak to me?’

‘Yes,’ replied Snawley. ‘The fact is, I am not their father, Mr. Squeers.
I’m only their father-in-law.’

‘Oh! Is that it?’ said the schoolmaster. ‘That explains it at once. I
was wondering what the devil you were going to send them to Yorkshire
for. Ha! ha! Oh, I understand now.’

‘You see I have married the mother,’ pursued Snawley; ‘it’s expensive
keeping boys at home, and as she has a little money in her own right, I
am afraid (women are so very foolish, Mr. Squeers) that she might be led
to squander it on them, which would be their ruin, you know.’

‘I see,’ returned Squeers, throwing himself back in his chair, and
waving his hand.

‘And this,’ resumed Snawley, ‘has made me anxious to put them to some
school a good distance off, where there are no holidays--none of those
ill-judged coming home twice a year that unsettle children’s minds
so--and where they may rough it a little--you comprehend?’

‘The payments regular, and no questions asked,’ said Squeers, nodding
his head.

‘That’s it, exactly,’ rejoined the other. ‘Morals strictly attended to,
though.’

‘Strictly,’ said Squeers.

‘Not too much writing home allowed, I suppose?’ said the father-in-law,
hesitating.

‘None, except a circular at Christmas, to say they never were so happy,
and hope they may never be sent for,’ rejoined Squeers.

‘Nothing could be better,’ said the father-in-law, rubbing his hands.

‘Then, as we understand each other,’ said Squeers, ‘will you allow me
to ask you whether you consider me a highly virtuous, exemplary, and
well-conducted man in private life; and whether, as a person whose
business it is to take charge of youth, you place the strongest
confidence in my unimpeachable integrity, liberality, religious
principles, and ability?’

‘Certainly I do,’ replied the father-in-law, reciprocating the
schoolmaster’s grin.

‘Perhaps you won’t object to say that, if I make you a reference?’

‘Not the least in the world.’

‘That’s your sort!’ said Squeers, taking up a pen; ‘this is doing
business, and that’s what I like.’

Having entered Mr. Snawley’s address, the schoolmaster had next to
perform the still more agreeable office of entering the receipt of the
first quarter’s payment in advance, which he had scarcely completed,
when another voice was heard inquiring for Mr. Squeers.

‘Here he is,’ replied the schoolmaster; ‘what is it?’

‘Only a matter of business, sir,’ said Ralph Nickleby, presenting
himself, closely followed by Nicholas. ‘There was an advertisement of
yours in the papers this morning?’

‘There was, sir. This way, if you please,’ said Squeers, who had by this
time got back to the box by the fire-place. ‘Won’t you be seated?’

‘Why, I think I will,’ replied Ralph, suiting the action to the word,
and placing his hat on the table before him. ‘This is my nephew, sir, Mr
Nicholas Nickleby.’

‘How do you do, sir?’ said Squeers.

Nicholas bowed, said he was very well, and seemed very much astonished
at the outward appearance of the proprietor of Dotheboys Hall: as indeed
he was.

‘Perhaps you recollect me?’ said Ralph, looking narrowly at the
schoolmaster.

‘You paid me a small account at each of my half-yearly visits to town,
for some years, I think, sir,’ replied Squeers.

‘I did,’ rejoined Ralph.

‘For the parents of a boy named Dorker, who unfortunately--’

‘--unfortunately died at Dotheboys Hall,’ said Ralph, finishing the
sentence.

‘I remember very well, sir,’ rejoined Squeers. ‘Ah! Mrs. Squeers, sir,
was as partial to that lad as if he had been her own; the attention,
sir, that was bestowed upon that boy in his illness! Dry toast and
warm tea offered him every night and morning when he couldn’t swallow
anything--a candle in his bedroom on the very night he died--the best
dictionary sent up for him to lay his head upon--I don’t regret it
though. It is a pleasant thing to reflect that one did one’s duty by
him.’

Ralph smiled, as if he meant anything but smiling, and looked round at
the strangers present.

‘These are only some pupils of mine,’ said Wackford Squeers, pointing
to the little boy on the trunk and the two little boys on the floor,
who had been staring at each other without uttering a word, and writhing
their bodies into most remarkable contortions, according to the custom
of little boys when they first become acquainted. ‘This gentleman,
sir, is a parent who is kind enough to compliment me upon the course
of education adopted at Dotheboys Hall, which is situated, sir, at the
delightful village of Dotheboys, near Greta Bridge in Yorkshire,
where youth are boarded, clothed, booked, washed, furnished with
pocket-money--’

‘Yes, we know all about that, sir,’ interrupted Ralph, testily. ‘It’s in
the advertisement.’

‘You are very right, sir; it IS in the advertisement,’ replied Squeers.

‘And in the matter of fact besides,’ interrupted Mr. Snawley. ‘I feel
bound to assure you, sir, and I am proud to have this opportunity OF
assuring you, that I consider Mr. Squeers a gentleman highly virtuous,
exemplary, well conducted, and--’

‘I make no doubt of it, sir,’ interrupted Ralph, checking the torrent of
recommendation; ‘no doubt of it at all. Suppose we come to business?’

‘With all my heart, sir,’ rejoined Squeers. ‘“Never postpone business,”
 is the very first lesson we instil into our commercial pupils. Master
Belling, my dear, always remember that; do you hear?’

‘Yes, sir,’ repeated Master Belling.

‘He recollects what it is, does he?’ said Ralph.

‘Tell the gentleman,’ said Squeers.

‘“Never,”’ repeated Master Belling.

‘Very good,’ said Squeers; ‘go on.’

‘Never,’ repeated Master Belling again.

‘Very good indeed,’ said Squeers. ‘Yes.’

‘P,’ suggested Nicholas, good-naturedly.

‘Perform--business!’ said Master Belling. ‘Never--perform--business!’

‘Very well, sir,’ said Squeers, darting a withering look at the culprit.
‘You and I will perform a little business on our private account
by-and-by.’

‘And just now,’ said Ralph, ‘we had better transact our own, perhaps.’

‘If you please,’ said Squeers.

‘Well,’ resumed Ralph, ‘it’s brief enough; soon broached; and I hope
easily concluded. You have advertised for an able assistant, sir?’

‘Precisely so,’ said Squeers.

‘And you really want one?’

‘Certainly,’ answered Squeers.

‘Here he is!’ said Ralph. ‘My nephew Nicholas, hot from school,
with everything he learnt there, fermenting in his head, and nothing
fermenting in his pocket, is just the man you want.’

‘I am afraid,’ said Squeers, perplexed with such an application from a
youth of Nicholas’s figure, ‘I am afraid the young man won’t suit me.’

‘Yes, he will,’ said Ralph; ‘I know better. Don’t be cast down, sir; you
will be teaching all the young noblemen in Dotheboys Hall in less than a
week’s time, unless this gentleman is more obstinate than I take him to
be.’

‘I fear, sir,’ said Nicholas, addressing Mr. Squeers, ‘that you object to
my youth, and to my not being a Master of Arts?’

‘The absence of a college degree IS an objection,’ replied Squeers,
looking as grave as he could, and considerably puzzled, no less by the
contrast between the simplicity of the nephew and the worldly manner of
the uncle, than by the incomprehensible allusion to the young noblemen
under his tuition.

‘Look here, sir,’ said Ralph; ‘I’ll put this matter in its true light in
two seconds.’

‘If you’ll have the goodness,’ rejoined Squeers.

‘This is a boy, or a youth, or a lad, or a young man, or a hobbledehoy,
or whatever you like to call him, of eighteen or nineteen, or
thereabouts,’ said Ralph.

‘That I see,’ observed the schoolmaster.

‘So do I,’ said Mr. Snawley, thinking it as well to back his new friend
occasionally.

‘His father is dead, he is wholly ignorant of the world, has no
resources whatever, and wants something to do,’ said Ralph. ‘I recommend
him to this splendid establishment of yours, as an opening which will
lead him to fortune if he turns it to proper account. Do you see that?’

‘Everybody must see that,’ replied Squeers, half imitating the sneer
with which the old gentleman was regarding his unconscious relative.

‘I do, of course,’ said Nicholas, eagerly.

‘He does, of course, you observe,’ said Ralph, in the same dry, hard
manner. ‘If any caprice of temper should induce him to cast aside this
golden opportunity before he has brought it to perfection, I consider
myself absolved from extending any assistance to his mother and sister.
Look at him, and think of the use he may be to you in half-a-dozen ways!
Now, the question is, whether, for some time to come at all events, he
won’t serve your purpose better than twenty of the kind of people
you would get under ordinary circumstances. Isn’t that a question for
consideration?’

‘Yes, it is,’ said Squeers, answering a nod of Ralph’s head with a nod
of his own.

‘Good,’ rejoined Ralph. ‘Let me have two words with you.’

The two words were had apart; in a couple of minutes Mr. Wackford Squeers
announced that Mr. Nicholas Nickleby was, from that moment, thoroughly
nominated to, and installed in, the office of first assistant master at
Dotheboys Hall.

‘Your uncle’s recommendation has done it, Mr. Nickleby,’ said Wackford
Squeers.

Nicholas, overjoyed at his success, shook his uncle’s hand warmly, and
could almost have worshipped Squeers upon the spot.

‘He is an odd-looking man,’ thought Nicholas. ‘What of that? Porson was
an odd-looking man, and so was Doctor Johnson; all these bookworms are.’

‘At eight o’clock tomorrow morning, Mr. Nickleby,’ said Squeers, ‘the
coach starts. You must be here at a quarter before, as we take these
boys with us.’

‘Certainly, sir,’ said Nicholas.

‘And your fare down, I have paid,’ growled Ralph. ‘So, you’ll have
nothing to do but keep yourself warm.’

Here was another instance of his uncle’s generosity! Nicholas felt his
unexpected kindness so much, that he could scarcely find words to thank
him; indeed, he had not found half enough, when they took leave of the
schoolmaster, and emerged from the Saracen’s Head gateway.

‘I shall be here in the morning to see you fairly off,’ said Ralph. ‘No
skulking!’

‘Thank you, sir,’ replied Nicholas; ‘I never shall forget this
kindness.’

‘Take care you don’t,’ replied his uncle. ‘You had better go home now,
and pack up what you have got to pack. Do you think you could find your
way to Golden Square first?’

‘Certainly,’ said Nicholas. ‘I can easily inquire.’

‘Leave these papers with my clerk, then,’ said Ralph, producing a small
parcel, ‘and tell him to wait till I come home.’

Nicholas cheerfully undertook the errand, and bidding his worthy
uncle an affectionate farewell, which that warm-hearted old gentleman
acknowledged by a growl, hastened away to execute his commission.

He found Golden Square in due course; Mr. Noggs, who had stepped out
for a minute or so to the public-house, was opening the door with a
latch-key, as he reached the steps.

‘What’s that?’ inquired Noggs, pointing to the parcel.

‘Papers from my uncle,’ replied Nicholas; ‘and you’re to have the
goodness to wait till he comes home, if you please.’

‘Uncle!’ cried Noggs.

‘Mr. Nickleby,’ said Nicholas in explanation.

‘Come in,’ said Newman.

Without another word he led Nicholas into the passage, and thence into
the official pantry at the end of it, where he thrust him into a chair,
and mounting upon his high stool, sat, with his arms hanging, straight
down by his sides, gazing fixedly upon him, as from a tower of
observation.

‘There is no answer,’ said Nicholas, laying the parcel on a table beside
him.

Newman said nothing, but folding his arms, and thrusting his head
forward so as to obtain a nearer view of Nicholas’s face, scanned his
features closely.

‘No answer,’ said Nicholas, speaking very loud, under the impression
that Newman Noggs was deaf.

Newman placed his hands upon his knees, and, without uttering a
syllable, continued the same close scrutiny of his companion’s face.

This was such a very singular proceeding on the part of an utter
stranger, and his appearance was so extremely peculiar, that Nicholas,
who had a sufficiently keen sense of the ridiculous, could not refrain
from breaking into a smile as he inquired whether Mr. Noggs had any
commands for him.

Noggs shook his head and sighed; upon which Nicholas rose, and remarking
that he required no rest, bade him good-morning.

It was a great exertion for Newman Noggs, and nobody knows to this day
how he ever came to make it, the other party being wholly unknown to
him, but he drew a long breath and actually said, out loud, without once
stopping, that if the young gentleman did not object to tell, he should
like to know what his uncle was going to do for him.

Nicholas had not the least objection in the world, but on the contrary
was rather pleased to have an opportunity of talking on the subject
which occupied his thoughts; so, he sat down again, and (his sanguine
imagination warming as he spoke) entered into a fervent and glowing
description of all the honours and advantages to be derived from his
appointment at that seat of learning, Dotheboys Hall.

‘But, what’s the matter--are you ill?’ said Nicholas, suddenly breaking
off, as his companion, after throwing himself into a variety of
uncouth attitudes, thrust his hands under the stool, and cracked his
finger-joints as if he were snapping all the bones in his hands.

Newman Noggs made no reply, but went on shrugging his shoulders and
cracking his finger-joints; smiling horribly all the time, and looking
steadfastly at nothing, out of the tops of his eyes, in a most ghastly
manner.

At first, Nicholas thought the mysterious man was in a fit, but, on
further consideration, decided that he was in liquor, under which
circumstances he deemed it prudent to make off at once. He looked back
when he had got the street-door open. Newman Noggs was still indulging
in the same extraordinary gestures, and the cracking of his fingers
sounded louder that ever.



CHAPTER 5

Nicholas starts for Yorkshire. Of his Leave-taking and his
Fellow-Travellers, and what befell them on the Road


If tears dropped into a trunk were charms to preserve its owner from
sorrow and misfortune, Nicholas Nickleby would have commenced his
expedition under most happy auspices. There was so much to be done, and
so little time to do it in; so many kind words to be spoken, and such
bitter pain in the hearts in which they rose to impede their utterance;
that the little preparations for his journey were made mournfully
indeed. A hundred things which the anxious care of his mother and sister
deemed indispensable for his comfort, Nicholas insisted on leaving
behind, as they might prove of some after use, or might be convertible
into money if occasion required. A hundred affectionate contests on
such points as these, took place on the sad night which preceded his
departure; and, as the termination of every angerless dispute brought
them nearer and nearer to the close of their slight preparations, Kate
grew busier and busier, and wept more silently.

The box was packed at last, and then there came supper, with some little
delicacy provided for the occasion, and as a set-off against the expense
of which, Kate and her mother had feigned to dine when Nicholas was out.
The poor lad nearly choked himself by attempting to partake of it,
and almost suffocated himself in affecting a jest or two, and forcing a
melancholy laugh. Thus, they lingered on till the hour of separating
for the night was long past; and then they found that they might as
well have given vent to their real feelings before, for they could not
suppress them, do what they would. So, they let them have their way, and
even that was a relief.

Nicholas slept well till six next morning; dreamed of home, or of what
was home once--no matter which, for things that are changed or gone will
come back as they used to be, thank God! in sleep--and rose quite brisk
and gay. He wrote a few lines in pencil, to say the goodbye which he was
afraid to pronounce himself, and laying them, with half his scanty stock
of money, at his sister’s door, shouldered his box and crept softly
downstairs.

‘Is that you, Hannah?’ cried a voice from Miss La Creevy’s sitting-room,
whence shone the light of a feeble candle.

‘It is I, Miss La Creevy,’ said Nicholas, putting down the box and
looking in.

‘Bless us!’ exclaimed Miss La Creevy, starting and putting her hand to
her curl-papers. ‘You’re up very early, Mr. Nickleby.’

‘So are you,’ replied Nicholas.

‘It’s the fine arts that bring me out of bed, Mr. Nickleby,’ returned the
lady. ‘I’m waiting for the light to carry out an idea.’

Miss La Creevy had got up early to put a fancy nose into a miniature of
an ugly little boy, destined for his grandmother in the country, who was
expected to bequeath him property if he was like the family.

‘To carry out an idea,’ repeated Miss La Creevy; ‘and that’s the great
convenience of living in a thoroughfare like the Strand. When I want
a nose or an eye for any particular sitter, I have only to look out of
window and wait till I get one.’

‘Does it take long to get a nose, now?’ inquired Nicholas, smiling.

‘Why, that depends in a great measure on the pattern,’ replied Miss La
Creevy. ‘Snubs and Romans are plentiful enough, and there are flats of
all sorts and sizes when there’s a meeting at Exeter Hall; but perfect
aquilines, I am sorry to say, are scarce, and we generally use them for
uniforms or public characters.’

‘Indeed!’ said Nicholas. ‘If I should meet with any in my travels, I’ll
endeavour to sketch them for you.’

‘You don’t mean to say that you are really going all the way down into
Yorkshire this cold winter’s weather, Mr. Nickleby?’ said Miss La Creevy.
‘I heard something of it last night.’

‘I do, indeed,’ replied Nicholas. ‘Needs must, you know, when somebody
drives. Necessity is my driver, and that is only another name for the
same gentleman.’

‘Well, I am very sorry for it; that’s all I can say,’ said Miss La
Creevy; ‘as much on your mother’s and sister’s account as on yours.
Your sister is a very pretty young lady, Mr. Nickleby, and that is
an additional reason why she should have somebody to protect her. I
persuaded her to give me a sitting or two, for the street-door case.
‘Ah! she’ll make a sweet miniature.’ As Miss La Creevy spoke, she held
up an ivory countenance intersected with very perceptible sky-blue
veins, and regarded it with so much complacency, that Nicholas quite
envied her.

‘If you ever have an opportunity of showing Kate some little kindness,’
said Nicholas, presenting his hand, ‘I think you will.’

‘Depend upon that,’ said the good-natured miniature painter; ‘and God
bless you, Mr. Nickleby; and I wish you well.’

It was very little that Nicholas knew of the world, but he guessed
enough about its ways to think, that if he gave Miss La Creevy one
little kiss, perhaps she might not be the less kindly disposed towards
those he was leaving behind. So, he gave her three or four with a kind
of jocose gallantry, and Miss La Creevy evinced no greater symptoms of
displeasure than declaring, as she adjusted her yellow turban, that she
had never heard of such a thing, and couldn’t have believed it possible.

Having terminated the unexpected interview in this satisfactory manner,
Nicholas hastily withdrew himself from the house. By the time he had
found a man to carry his box it was only seven o’clock, so he walked
slowly on, a little in advance of the porter, and very probably with not
half as light a heart in his breast as the man had, although he had no
waistcoat to cover it with, and had evidently, from the appearance of
his other garments, been spending the night in a stable, and taking his
breakfast at a pump.

Regarding, with no small curiosity and interest, all the busy
preparations for the coming day which every street and almost every
house displayed; and thinking, now and then, that it seemed rather hard
that so many people of all ranks and stations could earn a livelihood in
London, and that he should be compelled to journey so far in search of
one; Nicholas speedily arrived at the Saracen’s Head, Snow Hill. Having
dismissed his attendant, and seen the box safely deposited in the
coach-office, he looked into the coffee-room in search of Mr. Squeers.

He found that learned gentleman sitting at breakfast, with the three
little boys before noticed, and two others who had turned up by some
lucky chance since the interview of the previous day, ranged in a row on
the opposite seat. Mr. Squeers had before him a small measure of coffee,
a plate of hot toast, and a cold round of beef; but he was at that
moment intent on preparing breakfast for the little boys.

‘This is twopenn’orth of milk, is it, waiter?’ said Mr. Squeers, looking
down into a large blue mug, and slanting it gently, so as to get an
accurate view of the quantity of liquid contained in it.

‘That’s twopenn’orth, sir,’ replied the waiter.

‘What a rare article milk is, to be sure, in London!’ said Mr. Squeers,
with a sigh. ‘Just fill that mug up with lukewarm water, William, will
you?’

‘To the wery top, sir?’ inquired the waiter. ‘Why, the milk will be
drownded.’

‘Never you mind that,’ replied Mr. Squeers. ‘Serve it right for being so
dear. You ordered that thick bread and butter for three, did you?’

‘Coming directly, sir.’

‘You needn’t hurry yourself,’ said Squeers; ‘there’s plenty of time.
Conquer your passions, boys, and don’t be eager after vittles.’ As he
uttered this moral precept, Mr. Squeers took a large bite out of the cold
beef, and recognised Nicholas.

‘Sit down, Mr. Nickleby,’ said Squeers. ‘Here we are, a breakfasting you
see!’

Nicholas did NOT see that anybody was breakfasting, except Mr. Squeers;
but he bowed with all becoming reverence, and looked as cheerful as he
could.

‘Oh! that’s the milk and water, is it, William?’ said Squeers. ‘Very
good; don’t forget the bread and butter presently.’

At this fresh mention of the bread and butter, the five little boys
looked very eager, and followed the waiter out, with their eyes;
meanwhile Mr. Squeers tasted the milk and water.

‘Ah!’ said that gentleman, smacking his lips, ‘here’s richness! Think of
the many beggars and orphans in the streets that would be glad of this,
little boys. A shocking thing hunger, isn’t it, Mr. Nickleby?’

‘Very shocking, sir,’ said Nicholas.

‘When I say number one,’ pursued Mr. Squeers, putting the mug before the
children, ‘the boy on the left hand nearest the window may take a drink;
and when I say number two, the boy next him will go in, and so till we
come to number five, which is the last boy. Are you ready?’

‘Yes, sir,’ cried all the little boys with great eagerness.

‘That’s right,’ said Squeers, calmly getting on with his breakfast;
‘keep ready till I tell you to begin. Subdue your appetites, my dears,
and you’ve conquered human natur. This is the way we inculcate strength
of mind, Mr. Nickleby,’ said the schoolmaster, turning to Nicholas, and
speaking with his mouth very full of beef and toast.

Nicholas murmured something--he knew not what--in reply; and the little
boys, dividing their gaze between the mug, the bread and butter (which
had by this time arrived), and every morsel which Mr. Squeers took into
his mouth, remained with strained eyes in torments of expectation.

‘Thank God for a good breakfast,’ said Squeers, when he had finished.
‘Number one may take a drink.’

Number one seized the mug ravenously, and had just drunk enough to make
him wish for more, when Mr. Squeers gave the signal for number two, who
gave up at the same interesting moment to number three; and the process
was repeated until the milk and water terminated with number five.

‘And now,’ said the schoolmaster, dividing the bread and butter for
three into as many portions as there were children, ‘you had better look
sharp with your breakfast, for the horn will blow in a minute or two,
and then every boy leaves off.’

Permission being thus given to fall to, the boys began to eat
voraciously, and in desperate haste: while the schoolmaster (who was
in high good humour after his meal) picked his teeth with a fork, and
looked smilingly on. In a very short time, the horn was heard.

‘I thought it wouldn’t be long,’ said Squeers, jumping up and producing
a little basket from under the seat; ‘put what you haven’t had time to
eat, in here, boys! You’ll want it on the road!’

Nicholas was considerably startled by these very economical
arrangements; but he had no time to reflect upon them, for the little
boys had to be got up to the top of the coach, and their boxes had to
be brought out and put in, and Mr. Squeers’s luggage was to be seen
carefully deposited in the boot, and all these offices were in his
department. He was in the full heat and bustle of concluding these
operations, when his uncle, Mr. Ralph Nickleby, accosted him.

‘Oh! here you are, sir!’ said Ralph. ‘Here are your mother and sister,
sir.’

‘Where?’ cried Nicholas, looking hastily round.

‘Here!’ replied his uncle. ‘Having too much money and nothing at all to
do with it, they were paying a hackney coach as I came up, sir.’

‘We were afraid of being too late to see him before he went away from
us,’ said Mrs. Nickleby, embracing her son, heedless of the unconcerned
lookers-on in the coach-yard.

‘Very good, ma’am,’ returned Ralph, ‘you’re the best judge of course. I
merely said that you were paying a hackney coach. I never pay a hackney
coach, ma’am; I never hire one. I haven’t been in a hackney coach of my
own hiring, for thirty years, and I hope I shan’t be for thirty more, if
I live as long.’

‘I should never have forgiven myself if I had not seen him,’ said Mrs
Nickleby. ‘Poor dear boy--going away without his breakfast too, because
he feared to distress us!’

‘Mighty fine certainly,’ said Ralph, with great testiness. ‘When I first
went to business, ma’am, I took a penny loaf and a ha’porth of milk for
my breakfast as I walked to the city every morning; what do you say to
that, ma’am? Breakfast! Bah!’

‘Now, Nickleby,’ said Squeers, coming up at the moment buttoning his
greatcoat; ‘I think you’d better get up behind. I’m afraid of one of
them boys falling off and then there’s twenty pound a year gone.’

‘Dear Nicholas,’ whispered Kate, touching her brother’s arm, ‘who is
that vulgar man?’

‘Eh!’ growled Ralph, whose quick ears had caught the inquiry. ‘Do you
wish to be introduced to Mr. Squeers, my dear?’

‘That the schoolmaster! No, uncle. Oh no!’ replied Kate, shrinking back.

‘I’m sure I heard you say as much, my dear,’ retorted Ralph in his cold
sarcastic manner. ‘Mr. Squeers, here’s my niece: Nicholas’s sister!’

‘Very glad to make your acquaintance, miss,’ said Squeers, raising his
hat an inch or two. ‘I wish Mrs. Squeers took gals, and we had you for a
teacher. I don’t know, though, whether she mightn’t grow jealous if we
had. Ha! ha! ha!’

If the proprietor of Dotheboys Hall could have known what was passing
in his assistant’s breast at that moment, he would have discovered, with
some surprise, that he was as near being soundly pummelled as he had
ever been in his life. Kate Nickleby, having a quicker perception of her
brother’s emotions, led him gently aside, and thus prevented Mr. Squeers
from being impressed with the fact in a peculiarly disagreeable manner.

‘My dear Nicholas,’ said the young lady, ‘who is this man? What kind of
place can it be that you are going to?’

‘I hardly know, Kate,’ replied Nicholas, pressing his sister’s hand. ‘I
suppose the Yorkshire folks are rather rough and uncultivated; that’s
all.’

‘But this person,’ urged Kate.

‘Is my employer, or master, or whatever the proper name may be,’ replied
Nicholas quickly; ‘and I was an ass to take his coarseness ill. They are
looking this way, and it is time I was in my place. Bless you, love,
and goodbye! Mother, look forward to our meeting again someday! Uncle,
farewell! Thank you heartily for all you have done and all you mean to
do. Quite ready, sir!’

With these hasty adieux, Nicholas mounted nimbly to his seat, and waved
his hand as gallantly as if his heart went with it.

At this moment, when the coachman and guard were comparing notes for the
last time before starting, on the subject of the way-bill; when porters
were screwing out the last reluctant sixpences, itinerant newsmen
making the last offer of a morning paper, and the horses giving the last
impatient rattle to their harness; Nicholas felt somebody pulling softly
at his leg. He looked down, and there stood Newman Noggs, who pushed up
into his hand a dirty letter.

‘What’s this?’ inquired Nicholas.

‘Hush!’ rejoined Noggs, pointing to Mr. Ralph Nickleby, who was saying a
few earnest words to Squeers, a short distance off: ‘Take it. Read it.
Nobody knows. That’s all.’

‘Stop!’ cried Nicholas.

‘No,’ replied Noggs.

Nicholas cried stop, again, but Newman Noggs was gone.

A minute’s bustle, a banging of the coach doors, a swaying of the
vehicle to one side, as the heavy coachman, and still heavier guard,
climbed into their seats; a cry of all right, a few notes from the horn,
a hasty glance of two sorrowful faces below, and the hard features of Mr
Ralph Nickleby--and the coach was gone too, and rattling over the stones
of Smithfield.

The little boys’ legs being too short to admit of their feet
resting upon anything as they sat, and the little boys’ bodies being
consequently in imminent hazard of being jerked off the coach, Nicholas
had enough to do over the stones to hold them on. Between the manual
exertion and the mental anxiety attendant upon this task, he was not a
little relieved when the coach stopped at the Peacock at Islington. He
was still more relieved when a hearty-looking gentleman, with a very
good-humoured face, and a very fresh colour, got up behind, and proposed
to take the other corner of the seat.

‘If we put some of these youngsters in the middle,’ said the new-comer,
‘they’ll be safer in case of their going to sleep; eh?’

‘If you’ll have the goodness, sir,’ replied Squeers, ‘that’ll be the
very thing. Mr. Nickleby, take three of them boys between you and the
gentleman. Belling and the youngest Snawley can sit between me and the
guard. Three children,’ said Squeers, explaining to the stranger, ‘books
as two.’

‘I have not the least objection I am sure,’ said the fresh-coloured
gentleman; ‘I have a brother who wouldn’t object to book his six
children as two at any butcher’s or baker’s in the kingdom, I dare say.
Far from it.’

‘Six children, sir?’ exclaimed Squeers.

‘Yes, and all boys,’ replied the stranger.

‘Mr. Nickleby,’ said Squeers, in great haste, ‘catch hold of that basket.
Let me give you a card, sir, of an establishment where those six boys
can be brought up in an enlightened, liberal, and moral manner, with no
mistake at all about it, for twenty guineas a year each--twenty guineas,
sir--or I’d take all the boys together upon a average right through, and
say a hundred pound a year for the lot.’

‘Oh!’ said the gentleman, glancing at the card, ‘you are the Mr. Squeers
mentioned here, I presume?’

‘Yes, I am, sir,’ replied the worthy pedagogue; ‘Mr. Wackford Squeers is
my name, and I’m very far from being ashamed of it. These are some of my
boys, sir; that’s one of my assistants, sir--Mr. Nickleby, a gentleman’s
son, and a good scholar, mathematical, classical, and commercial. We
don’t do things by halves at our shop. All manner of learning my boys
take down, sir; the expense is never thought of; and they get paternal
treatment and washing in.’

‘Upon my word,’ said the gentleman, glancing at Nicholas with a
half-smile, and a more than half expression of surprise, ‘these are
advantages indeed.’

‘You may say that, sir,’ rejoined Squeers, thrusting his hands into his
great-coat pockets. ‘The most unexceptionable references are given
and required. I wouldn’t take a reference with any boy, that wasn’t
responsible for the payment of five pound five a quarter, no, not if you
went down on your knees, and asked me, with the tears running down your
face, to do it.’

‘Highly considerate,’ said the passenger.

‘It’s my great aim and end to be considerate, sir,’ rejoined Squeers.
‘Snawley, junior, if you don’t leave off chattering your teeth, and
shaking with the cold, I’ll warm you with a severe thrashing in about
half a minute’s time.’

‘Sit fast here, genelmen,’ said the guard as he clambered up.

‘All right behind there, Dick?’ cried the coachman.

‘All right,’ was the reply. ‘Off she goes!’ And off she did go--if
coaches be feminine--amidst a loud flourish from the guard’s horn,
and the calm approval of all the judges of coaches and coach-horses
congregated at the Peacock, but more especially of the helpers, who
stood, with the cloths over their arms, watching the coach till it
disappeared, and then lounged admiringly stablewards, bestowing various
gruff encomiums on the beauty of the turn-out.

When the guard (who was a stout old Yorkshireman) had blown himself
quite out of breath, he put the horn into a little tunnel of a basket
fastened to the coach-side for the purpose, and giving himself a
plentiful shower of blows on the chest and shoulders, observed it was
uncommon cold; after which, he demanded of every person separately
whether he was going right through, and if not, where he WAS going.
Satisfactory replies being made to these queries, he surmised that the
roads were pretty heavy arter that fall last night, and took the
liberty of asking whether any of them gentlemen carried a snuff-box. It
happening that nobody did, he remarked with a mysterious air that he had
heard a medical gentleman as went down to Grantham last week, say how
that snuff-taking was bad for the eyes; but for his part he had never
found it so, and what he said was, that everybody should speak as they
found. Nobody attempting to controvert this position, he took a small
brown-paper parcel out of his hat, and putting on a pair of horn
spectacles (the writing being crabbed) read the direction half-a-dozen
times over; having done which, he consigned the parcel to its old place,
put up his spectacles again, and stared at everybody in turn. After
this, he took another blow at the horn by way of refreshment; and,
having now exhausted his usual topics of conversation, folded his arms
as well as he could in so many coats, and falling into a solemn silence,
looked carelessly at the familiar objects which met his eye on every
side as the coach rolled on; the only things he seemed to care for,
being horses and droves of cattle, which he scrutinised with a critical
air as they were passed upon the road.

The weather was intensely and bitterly cold; a great deal of snow fell
from time to time; and the wind was intolerably keen. Mr. Squeers got
down at almost every stage--to stretch his legs as he said--and as he
always came back from such excursions with a very red nose, and composed
himself to sleep directly, there is reason to suppose that he derived
great benefit from the process. The little pupils having been stimulated
with the remains of their breakfast, and further invigorated by sundry
small cups of a curious cordial carried by Mr. Squeers, which tasted very
like toast-and-water put into a brandy bottle by mistake, went to sleep,
woke, shivered, and cried, as their feelings prompted. Nicholas and
the good-tempered man found so many things to talk about, that between
conversing together, and cheering up the boys, the time passed with them
as rapidly as it could, under such adverse circumstances.

So the day wore on. At Eton Slocomb there was a good coach dinner, of
which the box, the four front outsides, the one inside, Nicholas, the
good-tempered man, and Mr. Squeers, partook; while the five little boys
were put to thaw by the fire, and regaled with sandwiches. A stage or
two further on, the lamps were lighted, and a great to-do occasioned
by the taking up, at a roadside inn, of a very fastidious lady with an
infinite variety of cloaks and small parcels, who loudly lamented, for
the behoof of the outsides, the non-arrival of her own carriage which
was to have taken her on, and made the guard solemnly promise to stop
every green chariot he saw coming; which, as it was a dark night and he
was sitting with his face the other way, that officer undertook, with
many fervent asseverations, to do. Lastly, the fastidious lady, finding
there was a solitary gentleman inside, had a small lamp lighted which
she carried in reticule, and being after much trouble shut in, the
horses were put into a brisk canter and the coach was once more in rapid
motion.

The night and the snow came on together, and dismal enough they were.
There was no sound to be heard but the howling of the wind; for the
noise of the wheels, and the tread of the horses’ feet, were rendered
inaudible by the thick coating of snow which covered the ground, and was
fast increasing every moment. The streets of Stamford were deserted as
they passed through the town; and its old churches rose, frowning and
dark, from the whitened ground. Twenty miles further on, two of the
front outside passengers, wisely availing themselves of their arrival at
one of the best inns in England, turned in, for the night, at the George
at Grantham. The remainder wrapped themselves more closely in their
coats and cloaks, and leaving the light and warmth of the town behind
them, pillowed themselves against the luggage, and prepared, with many
half-suppressed moans, again to encounter the piercing blast which swept
across the open country.

They were little more than a stage out of Grantham, or about halfway
between it and Newark, when Nicholas, who had been asleep for a short
time, was suddenly roused by a violent jerk which nearly threw him from
his seat. Grasping the rail, he found that the coach had sunk greatly
on one side, though it was still dragged forward by the horses; and
while--confused by their plunging and the loud screams of the lady
inside--he hesitated, for an instant, whether to jump off or not,
the vehicle turned easily over, and relieved him from all further
uncertainty by flinging him into the road.



CHAPTER 6

In which the Occurrence of the Accident mentioned in the last Chapter,
affords an Opportunity to a couple of Gentlemen to tell Stories against
each other


‘Wo ho!’ cried the guard, on his legs in a minute, and running to the
leaders’ heads. ‘Is there ony genelmen there as can len’ a hond here?
Keep quiet, dang ye! Wo ho!’

‘What’s the matter?’ demanded Nicholas, looking sleepily up.

‘Matther mun, matter eneaf for one neight,’ replied the guard; ‘dang the
wall-eyed bay, he’s gane mad wi’ glory I think, carse t’coorch is over.
Here, can’t ye len’ a hond? Dom it, I’d ha’ dean it if all my boans were
brokken.’

‘Here!’ cried Nicholas, staggering to his feet, ‘I’m ready. I’m only a
little abroad, that’s all.’

‘Hoold ‘em toight,’ cried the guard, ‘while ar coot treaces. Hang on
tiv’em sumhoo. Well deane, my lod. That’s it. Let’em goa noo. Dang ‘em,
they’ll gang whoam fast eneaf!’

In truth, the animals were no sooner released than they trotted back,
with much deliberation, to the stable they had just left, which was
distant not a mile behind.

‘Can you blo’ a harn?’ asked the guard, disengaging one of the
coach-lamps.

‘I dare say I can,’ replied Nicholas.

‘Then just blo’ away into that ‘un as lies on the grund, fit to wakken
the deead, will’ee,’ said the man, ‘while I stop sum o’ this here
squealing inside. Cumin’, cumin’. Dean’t make that noise, wooman.’

As the man spoke, he proceeded to wrench open the uppermost door of the
coach, while Nicholas, seizing the horn, awoke the echoes far and wide
with one of the most extraordinary performances on that instrument ever
heard by mortal ears. It had its effect, however, not only in rousing
such of their fall, but in summoning assistance to their relief; for
lights gleamed in the distance, and people were already astir.

In fact, a man on horseback galloped down, before the passengers were
well collected together; and a careful investigation being instituted,
it appeared that the lady inside had broken her lamp, and the gentleman
his head; that the two front outsides had escaped with black eyes; the
box with a bloody nose; the coachman with a contusion on the temple;
Mr. Squeers with a portmanteau bruise on his back; and the remaining
passengers without any injury at all--thanks to the softness of the
snow-drift in which they had been overturned. These facts were no
sooner thoroughly ascertained, than the lady gave several indications of
fainting, but being forewarned that if she did, she must be carried on
some gentleman’s shoulders to the nearest public-house, she prudently
thought better of it, and walked back with the rest.

They found on reaching it, that it was a lonely place with no very great
accommodation in the way of apartments--that portion of its resources
being all comprised in one public room with a sanded floor, and a chair
or two. However, a large faggot and a plentiful supply of coals being
heaped upon the fire, the appearance of things was not long in mending;
and, by the time they had washed off all effaceable marks of the late
accident, the room was warm and light, which was a most agreeable
exchange for the cold and darkness out of doors.

‘Well, Mr. Nickleby,’ said Squeers, insinuating himself into the warmest
corner, ‘you did very right to catch hold of them horses. I should have
done it myself if I had come to in time, but I am very glad you did it.
You did it very well; very well.’

‘So well,’ said the merry-faced gentleman, who did not seem to approve
very much of the patronising tone adopted by Squeers, ‘that if they had
not been firmly checked when they were, you would most probably have had
no brains left to teach with.’

This remark called up a discourse relative to the promptitude
Nicholas had displayed, and he was overwhelmed with compliments and
commendations.

‘I am very glad to have escaped, of course,’ observed Squeers: ‘every
man is glad when he escapes from danger; but if any one of my charges
had been hurt--if I had been prevented from restoring any one of these
little boys to his parents whole and sound as I received him--what would
have been my feelings? Why the wheel a-top of my head would have been
far preferable to it.’

‘Are they all brothers, sir?’ inquired the lady who had carried the
‘Davy’ or safety-lamp.

‘In one sense they are, ma’am,’ replied Squeers, diving into his
greatcoat pocket for cards. ‘They are all under the same parental and
affectionate treatment. Mrs. Squeers and myself are a mother and father
to every one of ‘em. Mr. Nickleby, hand the lady them cards, and offer
these to the gentleman. Perhaps they might know of some parents that
would be glad to avail themselves of the establishment.’

Expressing himself to this effect, Mr. Squeers, who lost no opportunity
of advertising gratuitously, placed his hands upon his knees, and looked
at the pupils with as much benignity as he could possibly affect, while
Nicholas, blushing with shame, handed round the cards as directed.

‘I hope you suffer no inconvenience from the overturn, ma’am?’ said the
merry-faced gentleman, addressing the fastidious lady, as though he were
charitably desirous to change the subject.

‘No bodily inconvenience,’ replied the lady.

‘No mental inconvenience, I hope?’

‘The subject is a very painful one to my feelings, sir,’ replied the
lady with strong emotion; ‘and I beg you as a gentleman, not to refer to
it.’

‘Dear me,’ said the merry-faced gentleman, looking merrier still, ‘I
merely intended to inquire--’

‘I hope no inquiries will be made,’ said the lady, ‘or I shall be
compelled to throw myself on the protection of the other gentlemen.
Landlord, pray direct a boy to keep watch outside the door--and if
a green chariot passes in the direction of Grantham, to stop it
instantly.’

The people of the house were evidently overcome by this request, and
when the lady charged the boy to remember, as a means of identifying the
expected green chariot, that it would have a coachman with a gold-laced
hat on the box, and a footman, most probably in silk stockings, behind,
the attentions of the good woman of the inn were redoubled. Even the
box-passenger caught the infection, and growing wonderfully deferential,
immediately inquired whether there was not very good society in that
neighbourhood, to which the lady replied yes, there was: in a manner
which sufficiently implied that she moved at the very tiptop and summit
of it all.

‘As the guard has gone on horseback to Grantham to get another coach,’
said the good-tempered gentleman when they had been all sitting round
the fire, for some time, in silence, ‘and as he must be gone a couple
of hours at the very least, I propose a bowl of hot punch. What say you,
sir?’

This question was addressed to the broken-headed inside, who was a man
of very genteel appearance, dressed in mourning. He was not past the
middle age, but his hair was grey; it seemed to have been prematurely
turned by care or sorrow. He readily acceded to the proposal, and
appeared to be prepossessed by the frank good-nature of the individual
from whom it emanated.

This latter personage took upon himself the office of tapster when the
punch was ready, and after dispensing it all round, led the conversation
to the antiquities of York, with which both he and the grey-haired
gentleman appeared to be well acquainted. When this topic flagged, he
turned with a smile to the grey-headed gentleman, and asked if he could
sing.

‘I cannot indeed,’ replied gentleman, smiling in his turn.

‘That’s a pity,’ said the owner of the good-humoured countenance. ‘Is
there nobody here who can sing a song to lighten the time?’

The passengers, one and all, protested that they could not; that they
wished they could; that they couldn’t remember the words of anything
without the book; and so forth.

‘Perhaps the lady would not object,’ said the president with great
respect, and a merry twinkle in his eye. ‘Some little Italian thing out
of the last opera brought out in town, would be most acceptable I am
sure.’

As the lady condescended to make no reply, but tossed her head
contemptuously, and murmured some further expression of surprise
regarding the absence of the green chariot, one or two voices urged
upon the president himself, the propriety of making an attempt for the
general benefit.

‘I would if I could,’ said he of the good-tempered face; ‘for I hold
that in this, as in all other cases where people who are strangers to
each other are thrown unexpectedly together, they should endeavour
to render themselves as pleasant, for the joint sake of the little
community, as possible.’

‘I wish the maxim were more generally acted on, in all cases,’ said the
grey-headed gentleman.

‘I’m glad to hear it,’ returned the other. ‘Perhaps, as you can’t sing,
you’ll tell us a story?’

‘Nay. I should ask you.’

‘After you, I will, with pleasure.’

‘Indeed!’ said the grey-haired gentleman, smiling, ‘Well, let it be so.
I fear the turn of my thoughts is not calculated to lighten the time
you must pass here; but you have brought this upon yourselves, and shall
judge. We were speaking of York Minster just now. My story shall have
some reference to it. Let us call it


THE FIVE SISTERS OF YORK


After a murmur of approbation from the other passengers, during which
the fastidious lady drank a glass of punch unobserved, the grey-headed
gentleman thus went on:

‘A great many years ago--for the fifteenth century was scarce two
years old at the time, and King Henry the Fourth sat upon the throne of
England--there dwelt, in the ancient city of York, five maiden sisters,
the subjects of my tale.

‘These five sisters were all of surpassing beauty. The eldest was in her
twenty-third year, the second a year younger, the third a year younger
than the second, and the fourth a year younger than the third. They were
tall stately figures, with dark flashing eyes and hair of jet; dignity
and grace were in their every movement; and the fame of their great
beauty had spread through all the country round.

‘But, if the four elder sisters were lovely, how beautiful was the
youngest, a fair creature of sixteen! The blushing tints in the soft
bloom on the fruit, or the delicate painting on the flower, are not more
exquisite than was the blending of the rose and lily in her gentle face,
or the deep blue of her eye. The vine, in all its elegant luxuriance, is
not more graceful than were the clusters of rich brown hair that sported
round her brow.

‘If we all had hearts like those which beat so lightly in the bosoms of
the young and beautiful, what a heaven this earth would be! If, while
our bodies grow old and withered, our hearts could but retain their
early youth and freshness, of what avail would be our sorrows and
sufferings! But, the faint image of Eden which is stamped upon them in
childhood, chafes and rubs in our rough struggles with the world,
and soon wears away: too often to leave nothing but a mournful blank
remaining.

‘The heart of this fair girl bounded with joy and gladness. Devoted
attachment to her sisters, and a fervent love of all beautiful things
in nature, were its pure affections. Her gleesome voice and merry laugh
were the sweetest music of their home. She was its very light and life.
The brightest flowers in the garden were reared by her; the caged
birds sang when they heard her voice, and pined when they missed its
sweetness. Alice, dear Alice; what living thing within the sphere of her
gentle witchery, could fail to love her!

‘You may seek in vain, now, for the spot on which these sisters lived,
for their very names have passed away, and dusty antiquaries tell of
them as of a fable. But they dwelt in an old wooden house--old even in
those days--with overhanging gables and balconies of rudely-carved oak,
which stood within a pleasant orchard, and was surrounded by a rough
stone wall, whence a stout archer might have winged an arrow to St
Mary’s Abbey. The old abbey flourished then; and the five sisters,
living on its fair domains, paid yearly dues to the black monks of St
Benedict, to which fraternity it belonged.

‘It was a bright and sunny morning in the pleasant time of summer, when
one of those black monks emerged from the abbey portal, and bent his
steps towards the house of the fair sisters. Heaven above was blue, and
earth beneath was green; the river glistened like a path of diamonds in
the sun; the birds poured forth their songs from the shady trees; the
lark soared high above the waving corn; and the deep buzz of insects
filled the air. Everything looked gay and smiling; but the holy man
walked gloomily on, with his eyes bent upon the ground. The beauty of
the earth is but a breath, and man is but a shadow. What sympathy should
a holy preacher have with either?

‘With eyes bent upon the ground, then, or only raised enough to prevent
his stumbling over such obstacles as lay in his way, the religious man
moved slowly forward until he reached a small postern in the wall of the
sisters’ orchard, through which he passed, closing it behind him. The
noise of soft voices in conversation, and of merry laughter, fell upon
his ears ere he had advanced many paces; and raising his eyes higher
than was his humble wont, he descried, at no great distance, the five
sisters seated on the grass, with Alice in the centre: all busily plying
their customary task of embroidering.

‘“Save you, fair daughters!” said the friar; and fair in truth they
were. Even a monk might have loved them as choice masterpieces of his
Maker’s hand.

‘The sisters saluted the holy man with becoming reverence, and the
eldest motioned him to a mossy seat beside them. But the good friar
shook his head, and bumped himself down on a very hard stone,--at which,
no doubt, approving angels were gratified.

‘“Ye were merry, daughters,” said the monk.

‘“You know how light of heart sweet Alice is,” replied the eldest
sister, passing her fingers through the tresses of the smiling girl.

‘“And what joy and cheerfulness it wakes up within us, to see all nature
beaming in brightness and sunshine, father,” added Alice, blushing
beneath the stern look of the recluse.

‘The monk answered not, save by a grave inclination of the head, and the
sisters pursued their task in silence.

‘“Still wasting the precious hours,” said the monk at length, turning to
the eldest sister as he spoke, “still wasting the precious hours on
this vain trifling. Alas, alas! that the few bubbles on the surface
of eternity--all that Heaven wills we should see of that dark deep
stream--should be so lightly scattered!”

‘“Father,” urged the maiden, pausing, as did each of the others, in
her busy task, “we have prayed at matins, our daily alms have been
distributed at the gate, the sick peasants have been tended,--all our
morning tasks have been performed. I hope our occupation is a blameless
one?’

‘“See here,” said the friar, taking the frame from her hand, “an
intricate winding of gaudy colours, without purpose or object, unless
it be that one day it is destined for some vain ornament, to minister to
the pride of your frail and giddy sex. Day after day has been employed
upon this senseless task, and yet it is not half accomplished. The shade
of each departed day falls upon our graves, and the worm exults as he
beholds it, to know that we are hastening thither. Daughters, is there
no better way to pass the fleeting hours?”

‘The four elder sisters cast down their eyes as if abashed by the holy
man’s reproof, but Alice raised hers, and bent them mildly on the friar.

‘“Our dear mother,” said the maiden; “Heaven rest her soul!”

‘“Amen!” cried the friar in a deep voice.

‘“Our dear mother,” faltered the fair Alice, “was living when these long
tasks began, and bade us, when she should be no more, ply them in all
discretion and cheerfulness, in our leisure hours; she said that if in
harmless mirth and maidenly pursuits we passed those hours together,
they would prove the happiest and most peaceful of our lives, and that
if, in later times, we went forth into the world, and mingled with its
cares and trials--if, allured by its temptations and dazzled by its
glitter, we ever forgot that love and duty which should bind, in holy
ties, the children of one loved parent--a glance at the old work of our
common girlhood would awaken good thoughts of bygone days, and soften
our hearts to affection and love.”

‘“Alice speaks truly, father,” said the elder sister, somewhat proudly.
And so saying she resumed her work, as did the others.

‘It was a kind of sampler of large size, that each sister had before
her; the device was of a complex and intricate description, and
the pattern and colours of all five were the same. The sisters bent
gracefully over their work; the monk, resting his chin upon his hands,
looked from one to the other in silence.

‘“How much better,” he said at length, “to shun all such thoughts and
chances, and, in the peaceful shelter of the church, devote your lives
to Heaven! Infancy, childhood, the prime of life, and old age, wither as
rapidly as they crowd upon each other. Think how human dust rolls onward
to the tomb, and turning your faces steadily towards that goal, avoid
the cloud which takes its rise among the pleasures of the world, and
cheats the senses of their votaries. The veil, daughters, the veil!”

‘“Never, sisters,” cried Alice. “Barter not the light and air of heaven,
and the freshness of earth and all the beautiful things which breathe
upon it, for the cold cloister and the cell. Nature’s own blessings are
the proper goods of life, and we may share them sinlessly together. To
die is our heavy portion, but, oh, let us die with life about us; when
our cold hearts cease to beat, let warm hearts be beating near; let our
last look be upon the bounds which God has set to his own bright skies,
and not on stone walls and bars of iron! Dear sisters, let us live and
die, if you list, in this green garden’s compass; only shun the gloom
and sadness of a cloister, and we shall be happy.”

‘The tears fell fast from the maiden’s eyes as she closed her
impassioned appeal, and hid her face in the bosom of her sister.

‘“Take comfort, Alice,” said the eldest, kissing her fair forehead.
“The veil shall never cast its shadow on thy young brow. How say you,
sisters? For yourselves you speak, and not for Alice, or for me.”

‘The sisters, as with one accord, cried that their lot was cast
together, and that there were dwellings for peace and virtue beyond the
convent’s walls.

‘“Father,” said the eldest lady, rising with dignity, “you hear our
final resolve. The same pious care which enriched the abbey of St
Mary, and left us, orphans, to its holy guardianship, directed that no
constraint should be imposed upon our inclinations, but that we should
be free to live according to our choice. Let us hear no more of this,
we pray you. Sisters, it is nearly noon. Let us take shelter until
evening!” With a reverence to the friar, the lady rose and walked
towards the house, hand in hand with Alice; the other sisters followed.

‘The holy man, who had often urged the same point before, but had never
met with so direct a repulse, walked some little distance behind, with
his eyes bent upon the earth, and his lips moving AS IF in prayer. As
the sisters reached the porch, he quickened his pace, and called upon
them to stop.

‘“Stay!” said the monk, raising his right hand in the air, and directing
an angry glance by turns at Alice and the eldest sister. “Stay, and
hear from me what these recollections are, which you would cherish above
eternity, and awaken--if in mercy they slumbered--by means of idle toys.
The memory of earthly things is charged, in after life, with bitter
disappointment, affliction, death; with dreary change and wasting
sorrow. The time will one day come, when a glance at those unmeaning
baubles will tear open deep wounds in the hearts of some among you, and
strike to your inmost souls. When that hour arrives--and, mark me, come
it will--turn from the world to which you clung, to the refuge which you
spurned. Find me the cell which shall be colder than the fire of mortals
grows, when dimmed by calamity and trial, and there weep for the dreams
of youth. These things are Heaven’s will, not mine,” said the friar,
subduing his voice as he looked round upon the shrinking girls. “The
Virgin’s blessing be upon you, daughters!”

‘With these words he disappeared through the postern; and the sisters
hastening into the house were seen no more that day.

‘But nature will smile though priests may frown, and next day the
sun shone brightly, and on the next, and the next again. And in the
morning’s glare, and the evening’s soft repose, the five sisters still
walked, or worked, or beguiled the time by cheerful conversation, in
their quiet orchard.

‘Time passed away as a tale that is told; faster indeed than many tales
that are told, of which number I fear this may be one. The house of the
five sisters stood where it did, and the same trees cast their pleasant
shade upon the orchard grass. The sisters too were there, and lovely as
at first, but a change had come over their dwelling. Sometimes, there
was the clash of armour, and the gleaming of the moon on caps of steel;
and, at others, jaded coursers were spurred up to the gate, and a female
form glided hurriedly forth, as if eager to demand tidings of the weary
messenger. A goodly train of knights and ladies lodged one night within
the abbey walls, and next day rode away, with two of the fair sisters
among them. Then, horsemen began to come less frequently, and seemed to
bring bad tidings when they did, and at length they ceased to come at
all, and footsore peasants slunk to the gate after sunset, and did their
errand there, by stealth. Once, a vassal was dispatched in haste to the
abbey at dead of night, and when morning came, there were sounds of woe
and wailing in the sisters’ house; and after this, a mournful silence
fell upon it, and knight or lady, horse or armour, was seen about it no
more.

‘There was a sullen darkness in the sky, and the sun had gone angrily
down, tinting the dull clouds with the last traces of his wrath,
when the same black monk walked slowly on, with folded arms, within a
stone’s-throw of the abbey. A blight had fallen on the trees and shrubs;
and the wind, at length beginning to break the unnatural stillness
that had prevailed all day, sighed heavily from time to time, as though
foretelling in grief the ravages of the coming storm. The bat skimmed in
fantastic flights through the heavy air, and the ground was alive with
crawling things, whose instinct brought them forth to swell and fatten
in the rain.

‘No longer were the friar’s eyes directed to the earth; they were cast
abroad, and roamed from point to point, as if the gloom and desolation
of the scene found a quick response in his own bosom. Again he paused
near the sisters’ house, and again he entered by the postern.

‘But not again did his ear encounter the sound of laughter, or his eyes
rest upon the beautiful figures of the five sisters. All was silent and
deserted. The boughs of the trees were bent and broken, and the grass
had grown long and rank. No light feet had pressed it for many, many a
day.

‘With the indifference or abstraction of one well accustomed to the
change, the monk glided into the house, and entered a low, dark room.
Four sisters sat there. Their black garments made their pale faces
whiter still, and time and sorrow had worked deep ravages. They were
stately yet; but the flush and pride of beauty were gone.

‘And Alice--where was she? In Heaven.

‘The monk--even the monk--could bear with some grief here; for it
was long since these sisters had met, and there were furrows in their
blanched faces which years could never plough. He took his seat in
silence, and motioned them to continue their speech.

‘“They are here, sisters,” said the elder lady in a trembling voice. “I
have never borne to look upon them since, and now I blame myself for my
weakness. What is there in her memory that we should dread? To call up
our old days shall be a solemn pleasure yet.”

‘She glanced at the monk as she spoke, and, opening a cabinet, brought
forth the five frames of work, completed long before. Her step was
firm, but her hand trembled as she produced the last one; and, when the
feelings of the other sisters gushed forth at sight of it, her pent-up
tears made way, and she sobbed “God bless her!”

‘The monk rose and advanced towards them. “It was almost the last thing
she touched in health,” he said in a low voice.

‘“It was,” cried the elder lady, weeping bitterly.

‘The monk turned to the second sister.

‘“The gallant youth who looked into thine eyes, and hung upon thy very
breath when first he saw thee intent upon this pastime, lies buried on
a plain whereof the turf is red with blood. Rusty fragments of armour,
once brightly burnished, lie rotting on the ground, and are as little
distinguishable for his, as are the bones that crumble in the mould!”

‘The lady groaned, and wrung her hands.

‘“The policy of courts,” he continued, turning to the two other sisters,
“drew ye from your peaceful home to scenes of revelry and splendour.
The same policy, and the restless ambition of--proud and fiery men, have
sent ye back, widowed maidens, and humbled outcasts. Do I speak truly?”

‘The sobs of the two sisters were their only reply.

‘“There is little need,” said the monk, with a meaning look, “to fritter
away the time in gewgaws which shall raise up the pale ghosts of hopes
of early years. Bury them, heap penance and mortification on their
heads, keep them down, and let the convent be their grave!”

‘The sisters asked for three days to deliberate; and felt, that night,
as though the veil were indeed the fitting shroud for their dead joys.
But, morning came again, and though the boughs of the orchard trees
drooped and ran wild upon the ground, it was the same orchard still. The
grass was coarse and high, but there was yet the spot on which they had
so often sat together, when change and sorrow were but names. There was
every walk and nook which Alice had made glad; and in the minster nave
was one flat stone beneath which she slept in peace.

‘And could they, remembering how her young heart had sickened at the
thought of cloistered walls, look upon her grave, in garbs which would
chill the very ashes within it? Could they bow down in prayer, and when
all Heaven turned to hear them, bring the dark shade of sadness on one
angel’s face? No.

‘They sent abroad, to artists of great celebrity in those times, and
having obtained the church’s sanction to their work of piety, caused
to be executed, in five large compartments of richly stained glass, a
faithful copy of their old embroidery work. These were fitted into a
large window until that time bare of ornament; and when the sun shone
brightly, as she had so well loved to see it, the familiar patterns were
reflected in their original colours, and throwing a stream of brilliant
light upon the pavement, fell warmly on the name of Alice.

‘For many hours in every day, the sisters paced slowly up and down the
nave, or knelt by the side of the flat broad stone. Only three were seen
in the customary place, after many years; then but two, and, for a long
time afterwards, but one solitary female bent with age. At length she
came no more, and the stone bore five plain Christian names.

‘That stone has worn away and been replaced by others, and many
generations have come and gone since then. Time has softened down the
colours, but the same stream of light still falls upon the forgotten
tomb, of which no trace remains; and, to this day, the stranger is shown
in York Cathedral, an old window called the Five Sisters.’


‘That’s a melancholy tale,’ said the merry-faced gentleman, emptying his
glass.

‘It is a tale of life, and life is made up of such sorrows,’ returned
the other, courteously, but in a grave and sad tone of voice.

‘There are shades in all good pictures, but there are lights too, if
we choose to contemplate them,’ said the gentleman with the merry face.
‘The youngest sister in your tale was always light-hearted.’

‘And died early,’ said the other, gently.

‘She would have died earlier, perhaps, had she been less happy,’ said
the first speaker, with much feeling. ‘Do you think the sisters who
loved her so well, would have grieved the less if her life had been one
of gloom and sadness? If anything could soothe the first sharp pain of a
heavy loss, it would be--with me--the reflection, that those I mourned,
by being innocently happy here, and loving all about them, had prepared
themselves for a purer and happier world. The sun does not shine upon
this fair earth to meet frowning eyes, depend upon it.’

‘I believe you are right,’ said the gentleman who had told the story.

‘Believe!’ retorted the other, ‘can anybody doubt it? Take any subject
of sorrowful regret, and see with how much pleasure it is associated.
The recollection of past pleasure may become pain--’

‘It does,’ interposed the other.

‘Well; it does. To remember happiness which cannot be restored, is pain,
but of a softened kind. Our recollections are unfortunately mingled with
much that we deplore, and with many actions which we bitterly repent;
still in the most chequered life I firmly think there are so many little
rays of sunshine to look back upon, that I do not believe any mortal
(unless he had put himself without the pale of hope) would deliberately
drain a goblet of the waters of Lethe, if he had it in his power.’

‘Possibly you are correct in that belief,’ said the grey-haired
gentleman after a short reflection. ‘I am inclined to think you are.’

‘Why, then,’ replied the other, ‘the good in this state of existence
preponderates over the bad, let miscalled philosophers tell us what they
will. If our affections be tried, our affections are our consolation and
comfort; and memory, however sad, is the best and purest link between
this world and a better. But come! I’ll tell you a story of another
kind.’

After a very brief silence, the merry-faced gentleman sent round the
punch, and glancing slyly at the fastidious lady, who seemed desperately
apprehensive that he was going to relate something improper, began


THE BARON OF GROGZWIG


‘The Baron Von Koeldwethout, of Grogzwig in Germany, was as likely a
young baron as you would wish to see. I needn’t say that he lived in a
castle, because that’s of course; neither need I say that he lived in
an old castle; for what German baron ever lived in a new one? There were
many strange circumstances connected with this venerable building, among
which, not the least startling and mysterious were, that when the wind
blew, it rumbled in the chimneys, or even howled among the trees in the
neighbouring forest; and that when the moon shone, she found her way
through certain small loopholes in the wall, and actually made some
parts of the wide halls and galleries quite light, while she left others
in gloomy shadow. I believe that one of the baron’s ancestors, being
short of money, had inserted a dagger in a gentleman who called
one night to ask his way, and it WAS supposed that these miraculous
occurrences took place in consequence. And yet I hardly know how that
could have been, either, because the baron’s ancestor, who was an
amiable man, felt very sorry afterwards for having been so rash, and
laying violent hands upon a quantity of stone and timber which belonged
to a weaker baron, built a chapel as an apology, and so took a receipt
from Heaven, in full of all demands.

‘Talking of the baron’s ancestor puts me in mind of the baron’s great
claims to respect, on the score of his pedigree. I am afraid to say,
I am sure, how many ancestors the baron had; but I know that he had a
great many more than any other man of his time; and I only wish that
he had lived in these latter days, that he might have had more. It is a
very hard thing upon the great men of past centuries, that they should
have come into the world so soon, because a man who was born three or
four hundred years ago, cannot reasonably be expected to have had as
many relations before him, as a man who is born now. The last man,
whoever he is--and he may be a cobbler or some low vulgar dog for aught
we know--will have a longer pedigree than the greatest nobleman now
alive; and I contend that this is not fair.

‘Well, but the Baron Von Koeldwethout of Grogzwig! He was a fine swarthy
fellow, with dark hair and large moustachios, who rode a-hunting in
clothes of Lincoln green, with russet boots on his feet, and a bugle
slung over his shoulder like the guard of a long stage. When he blew
this bugle, four-and-twenty other gentlemen of inferior rank, in Lincoln
green a little coarser, and russet boots with a little thicker soles,
turned out directly: and away galloped the whole train, with spears in
their hands like lacquered area railings, to hunt down the boars, or
perhaps encounter a bear: in which latter case the baron killed him
first, and greased his whiskers with him afterwards.

‘This was a merry life for the Baron of Grogzwig, and a merrier still
for the baron’s retainers, who drank Rhine wine every night till they
fell under the table, and then had the bottles on the floor, and called
for pipes. Never were such jolly, roystering, rollicking, merry-making
blades, as the jovial crew of Grogzwig.

‘But the pleasures of the table, or the pleasures of under the table,
require a little variety; especially when the same five-and-twenty
people sit daily down to the same board, to discuss the same subjects,
and tell the same stories. The baron grew weary, and wanted excitement.
He took to quarrelling with his gentlemen, and tried kicking two or
three of them every day after dinner. This was a pleasant change at
first; but it became monotonous after a week or so, and the baron felt
quite out of sorts, and cast about, in despair, for some new amusement.

‘One night, after a day’s sport in which he had outdone Nimrod or
Gillingwater, and slaughtered “another fine bear,” and brought him home
in triumph, the Baron Von Koeldwethout sat moodily at the head of his
table, eyeing the smoky roof of the hall with a discontented aspect. He
swallowed huge bumpers of wine, but the more he swallowed, the more
he frowned. The gentlemen who had been honoured with the dangerous
distinction of sitting on his right and left, imitated him to a miracle
in the drinking, and frowned at each other.

‘“I will!” cried the baron suddenly, smiting the table with his right
hand, and twirling his moustache with his left. “Fill to the Lady of
Grogzwig!”

‘The four-and-twenty Lincoln greens turned pale, with the exception of
their four-and-twenty noses, which were unchangeable.

‘“I said to the Lady of Grogzwig,” repeated the baron, looking round the
board.

‘“To the Lady of Grogzwig!” shouted the Lincoln greens; and down their
four-and-twenty throats went four-and-twenty imperial pints of such
rare old hock, that they smacked their eight-and-forty lips, and winked
again.

‘“The fair daughter of the Baron Von Swillenhausen,” said Koeldwethout,
condescending to explain. “We will demand her in marriage of her father,
ere the sun goes down tomorrow. If he refuse our suit, we will cut off
his nose.”

‘A hoarse murmur arose from the company; every man touched, first
the hilt of his sword, and then the tip of his nose, with appalling
significance.

‘What a pleasant thing filial piety is to contemplate! If the daughter
of the Baron Von Swillenhausen had pleaded a preoccupied heart, or
fallen at her father’s feet and corned them in salt tears, or
only fainted away, and complimented the old gentleman in frantic
ejaculations, the odds are a hundred to one but Swillenhausen Castle
would have been turned out at window, or rather the baron turned out at
window, and the castle demolished. The damsel held her peace, however,
when an early messenger bore the request of Von Koeldwethout next
morning, and modestly retired to her chamber, from the casement of which
she watched the coming of the suitor and his retinue. She was no sooner
assured that the horseman with the large moustachios was her proffered
husband, than she hastened to her father’s presence, and expressed her
readiness to sacrifice herself to secure his peace. The venerable baron
caught his child to his arms, and shed a wink of joy.

‘There was great feasting at the castle, that day. The four-and-twenty
Lincoln greens of Von Koeldwethout exchanged vows of eternal friendship
with twelve Lincoln greens of Von Swillenhausen, and promised the
old baron that they would drink his wine “Till all was blue”--meaning
probably until their whole countenances had acquired the same tint as
their noses. Everybody slapped everybody else’s back, when the time
for parting came; and the Baron Von Koeldwethout and his followers rode
gaily home.

‘For six mortal weeks, the bears and boars had a holiday. The houses of
Koeldwethout and Swillenhausen were united; the spears rusted; and the
baron’s bugle grew hoarse for lack of blowing.

‘Those were great times for the four-and-twenty; but, alas! their high
and palmy days had taken boots to themselves, and were already walking
off.

‘“My dear,” said the baroness.

‘“My love,” said the baron.

‘“Those coarse, noisy men--”

‘“Which, ma’am?” said the baron, starting.

‘The baroness pointed, from the window at which they stood, to the
courtyard beneath, where the unconscious Lincoln greens were taking a
copious stirrup-cup, preparatory to issuing forth after a boar or two.

‘“My hunting train, ma’am,” said the baron.

‘“Disband them, love,” murmured the baroness.

‘“Disband them!” cried the baron, in amazement.

‘“To please me, love,” replied the baroness.

‘“To please the devil, ma’am,” answered the baron.

‘Whereupon the baroness uttered a great cry, and swooned away at the
baron’s feet.

‘What could the baron do? He called for the lady’s maid, and roared
for the doctor; and then, rushing into the yard, kicked the two Lincoln
greens who were the most used to it, and cursing the others all round,
bade them go--but never mind where. I don’t know the German for it, or I
would put it delicately that way.

‘It is not for me to say by what means, or by what degrees, some wives
manage to keep down some husbands as they do, although I may have
my private opinion on the subject, and may think that no Member of
Parliament ought to be married, inasmuch as three married members out of
every four, must vote according to their wives’ consciences (if there be
such things), and not according to their own. All I need say, just now,
is, that the Baroness Von Koeldwethout somehow or other acquired great
control over the Baron Von Koeldwethout, and that, little by little, and
bit by bit, and day by day, and year by year, the baron got the worst of
some disputed question, or was slyly unhorsed from some old hobby;
and that by the time he was a fat hearty fellow of forty-eight or
thereabouts, he had no feasting, no revelry, no hunting train, and no
hunting--nothing in short that he liked, or used to have; and that,
although he was as fierce as a lion, and as bold as brass, he was
decidedly snubbed and put down, by his own lady, in his own castle of
Grogzwig.

‘Nor was this the whole extent of the baron’s misfortunes. About a year
after his nuptials, there came into the world a lusty young baron,
in whose honour a great many fireworks were let off, and a great many
dozens of wine drunk; but next year there came a young baroness, and
next year another young baron, and so on, every year, either a baron or
baroness (and one year both together), until the baron found himself
the father of a small family of twelve. Upon every one of these
anniversaries, the venerable Baroness Von Swillenhausen was nervously
sensitive for the well-being of her child the Baroness Von Koeldwethout;
and although it was not found that the good lady ever did anything
material towards contributing to her child’s recovery, still she made it
a point of duty to be as nervous as possible at the castle of Grogzwig,
and to divide her time between moral observations on the baron’s
housekeeping, and bewailing the hard lot of her unhappy daughter. And if
the Baron of Grogzwig, a little hurt and irritated at this, took heart,
and ventured to suggest that his wife was at least no worse off than the
wives of other barons, the Baroness Von Swillenhausen begged all
persons to take notice, that nobody but she, sympathised with her dear
daughter’s sufferings; upon which, her relations and friends remarked,
that to be sure she did cry a great deal more than her son-in-law, and
that if there were a hard-hearted brute alive, it was that Baron of
Grogzwig.

‘The poor baron bore it all as long as he could, and when he could bear
it no longer lost his appetite and his spirits, and sat himself gloomily
and dejectedly down. But there were worse troubles yet in store for
him, and as they came on, his melancholy and sadness increased. Times
changed. He got into debt. The Grogzwig coffers ran low, though the
Swillenhausen family had looked upon them as inexhaustible; and just
when the baroness was on the point of making a thirteenth addition to
the family pedigree, Von Koeldwethout discovered that he had no means of
replenishing them.

‘“I don’t see what is to be done,” said the baron. “I think I’ll kill
myself.”

‘This was a bright idea. The baron took an old hunting-knife from a
cupboard hard by, and having sharpened it on his boot, made what boys
call “an offer” at his throat.

‘“Hem!” said the baron, stopping short. “Perhaps it’s not sharp enough.”

‘The baron sharpened it again, and made another offer, when his hand was
arrested by a loud screaming among the young barons and baronesses, who
had a nursery in an upstairs tower with iron bars outside the window, to
prevent their tumbling out into the moat.

‘“If I had been a bachelor,” said the baron sighing, “I might have done
it fifty times over, without being interrupted. Hallo! Put a flask of
wine and the largest pipe in the little vaulted room behind the hall.”

‘One of the domestics, in a very kind manner, executed the baron’s order
in the course of half an hour or so, and Von Koeldwethout being apprised
thereof, strode to the vaulted room, the walls of which, being of dark
shining wood, gleamed in the light of the blazing logs which were piled
upon the hearth. The bottle and pipe were ready, and, upon the whole,
the place looked very comfortable.

‘“Leave the lamp,” said the baron.

‘“Anything else, my lord?” inquired the domestic.

‘“The room,” replied the baron. The domestic obeyed, and the baron
locked the door.

‘“I’ll smoke a last pipe,” said the baron, “and then I’ll be off.” So,
putting the knife upon the table till he wanted it, and tossing off a
goodly measure of wine, the Lord of Grogzwig threw himself back in his
chair, stretched his legs out before the fire, and puffed away.

‘He thought about a great many things--about his present troubles and
past days of bachelorship, and about the Lincoln greens, long since
dispersed up and down the country, no one knew whither: with the
exception of two who had been unfortunately beheaded, and four who had
killed themselves with drinking. His mind was running upon bears and
boars, when, in the process of draining his glass to the bottom,
he raised his eyes, and saw, for the first time and with unbounded
astonishment, that he was not alone.

‘No, he was not; for, on the opposite side of the fire, there sat with
folded arms a wrinkled hideous figure, with deeply sunk and bloodshot
eyes, and an immensely long cadaverous face, shadowed by jagged and
matted locks of coarse black hair. He wore a kind of tunic of a dull
bluish colour, which, the baron observed, on regarding it attentively,
was clasped or ornamented down the front with coffin handles. His legs,
too, were encased in coffin plates as though in armour; and over his
left shoulder he wore a short dusky cloak, which seemed made of a
remnant of some pall. He took no notice of the baron, but was intently
eyeing the fire.

‘“Halloa!” said the baron, stamping his foot to attract attention.

‘“Halloa!” replied the stranger, moving his eyes towards the baron, but
not his face or himself “What now?”

‘“What now!” replied the baron, nothing daunted by his hollow voice and
lustreless eyes. “I should ask that question. How did you get here?”

‘“Through the door,” replied the figure.

‘“What are you?” says the baron.

‘“A man,” replied the figure.

‘“I don’t believe it,” says the baron.

‘“Disbelieve it then,” says the figure.

‘“I will,” rejoined the baron.

‘The figure looked at the bold Baron of Grogzwig for some time, and then
said familiarly,

‘“There’s no coming over you, I see. I’m not a man!”

‘“What are you then?” asked the baron.

‘“A genius,” replied the figure.

‘“You don’t look much like one,” returned the baron scornfully.

‘“I am the Genius of Despair and Suicide,” said the apparition. “Now you
know me.”

‘With these words the apparition turned towards the baron, as if
composing himself for a talk--and, what was very remarkable, was, that
he threw his cloak aside, and displaying a stake, which was run through
the centre of his body, pulled it out with a jerk, and laid it on the
table, as composedly as if it had been a walking-stick.

‘“Now,” said the figure, glancing at the hunting-knife, “are you ready
for me?”

‘“Not quite,” rejoined the baron; “I must finish this pipe first.”

‘“Look sharp then,” said the figure.

‘“You seem in a hurry,” said the baron.

‘“Why, yes, I am,” answered the figure; “they’re doing a pretty brisk
business in my way, over in England and France just now, and my time is
a good deal taken up.”

‘“Do you drink?” said the baron, touching the bottle with the bowl of
his pipe.

‘“Nine times out of ten, and then very hard,” rejoined the figure,
drily.

‘“Never in moderation?” asked the baron.

‘“Never,” replied the figure, with a shudder, “that breeds
cheerfulness.”

‘The baron took another look at his new friend, whom he thought an
uncommonly queer customer, and at length inquired whether he took
any active part in such little proceedings as that which he had in
contemplation.

‘“No,” replied the figure evasively; “but I am always present.”

‘“Just to see fair, I suppose?” said the baron.

‘“Just that,” replied the figure, playing with his stake, and examining
the ferule. “Be as quick as you can, will you, for there’s a young
gentleman who is afflicted with too much money and leisure wanting me
now, I find.”

‘“Going to kill himself because he has too much money!” exclaimed the
baron, quite tickled. “Ha! ha! that’s a good one.” (This was the first
time the baron had laughed for many a long day.)

‘“I say,” expostulated the figure, looking very much scared; “don’t do
that again.”

‘“Why not?” demanded the baron.

‘“Because it gives me pain all over,” replied the figure. “Sigh as much
as you please: that does me good.”

‘The baron sighed mechanically at the mention of the word; the figure,
brightening up again, handed him the hunting-knife with most winning
politeness.

‘“It’s not a bad idea though,” said the baron, feeling the edge of the
weapon; “a man killing himself because he has too much money.”

‘“Pooh!” said the apparition, petulantly, “no better than a man’s
killing himself because he has none or little.”

‘Whether the genius unintentionally committed himself in saying this,
or whether he thought the baron’s mind was so thoroughly made up that it
didn’t matter what he said, I have no means of knowing. I only know that
the baron stopped his hand, all of a sudden, opened his eyes wide, and
looked as if quite a new light had come upon him for the first time.

‘“Why, certainly,” said Von Koeldwethout, “nothing is too bad to be
retrieved.”

‘“Except empty coffers,” cried the genius.

‘“Well; but they may be one day filled again,” said the baron.

‘“Scolding wives,” snarled the genius.

‘“Oh! They may be made quiet,” said the baron.

‘“Thirteen children,” shouted the genius.

‘“Can’t all go wrong, surely,” said the baron.

‘The genius was evidently growing very savage with the baron, for
holding these opinions all at once; but he tried to laugh it off, and
said if he would let him know when he had left off joking he should feel
obliged to him.

‘“But I am not joking; I was never farther from it,” remonstrated the
baron.

‘“Well, I am glad to hear that,” said the genius, looking very grim,
“because a joke, without any figure of speech, IS the death of me. Come!
Quit this dreary world at once.”

‘“I don’t know,” said the baron, playing with the knife; “it’s a dreary
one certainly, but I don’t think yours is much better, for you have
not the appearance of being particularly comfortable. That puts me in
mind--what security have I, that I shall be any the better for going
out of the world after all!” he cried, starting up; “I never thought of
that.”

‘“Dispatch,” cried the figure, gnashing his teeth.

‘“Keep off!” said the baron. ‘I’ll brood over miseries no longer, but
put a good face on the matter, and try the fresh air and the bears
again; and if that don’t do, I’ll talk to the baroness soundly, and cut
the Von Swillenhausens dead.’ With this the baron fell into his chair,
and laughed so loud and boisterously, that the room rang with it.

‘The figure fell back a pace or two, regarding the baron meanwhile with
a look of intense terror, and when he had ceased, caught up the stake,
plunged it violently into its body, uttered a frightful howl, and
disappeared.

‘Von Koeldwethout never saw it again. Having once made up his mind
to action, he soon brought the baroness and the Von Swillenhausens to
reason, and died many years afterwards: not a rich man that I am aware
of, but certainly a happy one: leaving behind him a numerous family,
who had been carefully educated in bear and boar-hunting under his own
personal eye. And my advice to all men is, that if ever they become
hipped and melancholy from similar causes (as very many men do), they
look at both sides of the question, applying a magnifying-glass to the
best one; and if they still feel tempted to retire without leave, that
they smoke a large pipe and drink a full bottle first, and profit by the
laudable example of the Baron of Grogzwig.’


‘The fresh coach is ready, ladies and gentlemen, if you please,’ said a
new driver, looking in.

This intelligence caused the punch to be finished in a great hurry,
and prevented any discussion relative to the last story. Mr. Squeers was
observed to draw the grey-headed gentleman on one side, and to ask a
question with great apparent interest; it bore reference to the Five
Sisters of York, and was, in fact, an inquiry whether he could inform
him how much per annum the Yorkshire convents got in those days with
their boarders.

The journey was then resumed. Nicholas fell asleep towards morning, and,
when he awoke, found, with great regret, that, during his nap, both the
Baron of Grogzwig and the grey-haired gentleman had got down and were
gone. The day dragged on uncomfortably enough. At about six o’clock that
night, he and Mr. Squeers, and the little boys, and their united luggage,
were all put down together at the George and New Inn, Greta Bridge.



CHAPTER 7

Mr. and Mrs. Squeers at Home


Mr. Squeers, being safely landed, left Nicholas and the boys standing
with the luggage in the road, to amuse themselves by looking at the
coach as it changed horses, while he ran into the tavern and went
through the leg-stretching process at the bar. After some minutes, he
returned, with his legs thoroughly stretched, if the hue of his nose and
a short hiccup afforded any criterion; and at the same time there came
out of the yard a rusty pony-chaise, and a cart, driven by two labouring
men.

‘Put the boys and the boxes into the cart,’ said Squeers, rubbing his
hands; ‘and this young man and me will go on in the chaise. Get in,
Nickleby.’

Nicholas obeyed. Mr. Squeers with some difficulty inducing the pony to
obey also, they started off, leaving the cart-load of infant misery to
follow at leisure.

‘Are you cold, Nickleby?’ inquired Squeers, after they had travelled
some distance in silence.

‘Rather, sir, I must say.’

‘Well, I don’t find fault with that,’ said Squeers; ‘it’s a long journey
this weather.’

‘Is it much farther to Dotheboys Hall, sir?’ asked Nicholas.

‘About three mile from here,’ replied Squeers. ‘But you needn’t call it
a Hall down here.’

Nicholas coughed, as if he would like to know why.

‘The fact is, it ain’t a Hall,’ observed Squeers drily.

‘Oh, indeed!’ said Nicholas, whom this piece of intelligence much
astonished.

‘No,’ replied Squeers. ‘We call it a Hall up in London, because it
sounds better, but they don’t know it by that name in these parts. A man
may call his house an island if he likes; there’s no act of Parliament
against that, I believe?’

‘I believe not, sir,’ rejoined Nicholas.

Squeers eyed his companion slyly, at the conclusion of this little
dialogue, and finding that he had grown thoughtful and appeared in
nowise disposed to volunteer any observations, contented himself with
lashing the pony until they reached their journey’s end.

‘Jump out,’ said Squeers. ‘Hallo there! Come and put this horse up. Be
quick, will you!’

While the schoolmaster was uttering these and other impatient cries,
Nicholas had time to observe that the school was a long, cold-looking
house, one storey high, with a few straggling out-buildings behind, and
a barn and stable adjoining. After the lapse of a minute or two, the
noise of somebody unlocking the yard-gate was heard, and presently a
tall lean boy, with a lantern in his hand, issued forth.

‘Is that you, Smike?’ cried Squeers.

‘Yes, sir,’ replied the boy.

‘Then why the devil didn’t you come before?’

‘Please, sir, I fell asleep over the fire,’ answered Smike, with
humility.

‘Fire! what fire? Where’s there a fire?’ demanded the schoolmaster,
sharply.

‘Only in the kitchen, sir,’ replied the boy. ‘Missus said as I was
sitting up, I might go in there for a warm.’

‘Your missus is a fool,’ retorted Squeers. ‘You’d have been a deuced
deal more wakeful in the cold, I’ll engage.’

By this time Mr. Squeers had dismounted; and after ordering the boy to
see to the pony, and to take care that he hadn’t any more corn that
night, he told Nicholas to wait at the front-door a minute while he went
round and let him in.

A host of unpleasant misgivings, which had been crowding upon Nicholas
during the whole journey, thronged into his mind with redoubled
force when he was left alone. His great distance from home and the
impossibility of reaching it, except on foot, should he feel ever so
anxious to return, presented itself to him in most alarming colours; and
as he looked up at the dreary house and dark windows, and upon the wild
country round, covered with snow, he felt a depression of heart and
spirit which he had never experienced before.

‘Now then!’ cried Squeers, poking his head out at the front-door. ‘Where
are you, Nickleby?’

‘Here, sir,’ replied Nicholas.

‘Come in, then,’ said Squeers ‘the wind blows in, at this door, fit to
knock a man off his legs.’

Nicholas sighed, and hurried in. Mr. Squeers, having bolted the door to
keep it shut, ushered him into a small parlour scantily furnished with a
few chairs, a yellow map hung against the wall, and a couple of tables;
one of which bore some preparations for supper; while, on the other, a
tutor’s assistant, a Murray’s grammar, half-a-dozen cards of terms, and
a worn letter directed to Wackford Squeers, Esquire, were arranged in
picturesque confusion.

They had not been in this apartment a couple of minutes, when a female
bounced into the room, and, seizing Mr. Squeers by the throat, gave him
two loud kisses: one close after the other, like a postman’s knock. The
lady, who was of a large raw-boned figure, was about half a head taller
than Mr. Squeers, and was dressed in a dimity night-jacket; with her hair
in papers; she had also a dirty nightcap on, relieved by a yellow cotton
handkerchief which tied it under the chin.

‘How is my Squeery?’ said this lady in a playful manner, and a very
hoarse voice.

‘Quite well, my love,’ replied Squeers. ‘How’s the cows?’

‘All right, every one of’em,’ answered the lady.

‘And the pigs?’ said Squeers.

‘As well as they were when you went away.’

‘Come; that’s a blessing,’ said Squeers, pulling off his great-coat.
‘The boys are all as they were, I suppose?’

‘Oh, yes, they’re well enough,’ replied Mrs. Squeers, snappishly. ‘That
young Pitcher’s had a fever.’

‘No!’ exclaimed Squeers. ‘Damn that boy, he’s always at something of
that sort.’

‘Never was such a boy, I do believe,’ said Mrs. Squeers; ‘whatever he
has is always catching too. I say it’s obstinacy, and nothing shall ever
convince me that it isn’t. I’d beat it out of him; and I told you that,
six months ago.’

‘So you did, my love,’ rejoined Squeers. ‘We’ll try what can be done.’

Pending these little endearments, Nicholas had stood, awkwardly enough,
in the middle of the room: not very well knowing whether he was expected
to retire into the passage, or to remain where he was. He was now
relieved from his perplexity by Mr. Squeers.

‘This is the new young man, my dear,’ said that gentleman.

‘Oh,’ replied Mrs. Squeers, nodding her head at Nicholas, and eyeing him
coldly from top to toe.

‘He’ll take a meal with us tonight,’ said Squeers, ‘and go among the
boys tomorrow morning. You can give him a shake-down here, tonight,
can’t you?’

‘We must manage it somehow,’ replied the lady. ‘You don’t much mind how
you sleep, I suppose, sir?’

No, indeed,’ replied Nicholas, ‘I am not particular.’

‘That’s lucky,’ said Mrs. Squeers. And as the lady’s humour was
considered to lie chiefly in retort, Mr. Squeers laughed heartily, and
seemed to expect that Nicholas should do the same.

After some further conversation between the master and mistress relative
to the success of Mr. Squeers’s trip and the people who had paid, and the
people who had made default in payment, a young servant girl brought in
a Yorkshire pie and some cold beef, which being set upon the table, the
boy Smike appeared with a jug of ale.

Mr. Squeers was emptying his great-coat pockets of letters to different
boys, and other small documents, which he had brought down in them. The
boy glanced, with an anxious and timid expression, at the papers, as if
with a sickly hope that one among them might relate to him. The look was
a very painful one, and went to Nicholas’s heart at once; for it told a
long and very sad history.

It induced him to consider the boy more attentively, and he was
surprised to observe the extraordinary mixture of garments which
formed his dress. Although he could not have been less than eighteen or
nineteen years old, and was tall for that age, he wore a skeleton suit,
such as is usually put upon very little boys, and which, though most
absurdly short in the arms and legs, was quite wide enough for his
attenuated frame. In order that the lower part of his legs might be in
perfect keeping with this singular dress, he had a very large pair of
boots, originally made for tops, which might have been once worn by some
stout farmer, but were now too patched and tattered for a beggar. Heaven
knows how long he had been there, but he still wore the same linen which
he had first taken down; for, round his neck, was a tattered child’s
frill, only half concealed by a coarse, man’s neckerchief. He was lame;
and as he feigned to be busy in arranging the table, glanced at the
letters with a look so keen, and yet so dispirited and hopeless, that
Nicholas could hardly bear to watch him.

‘What are you bothering about there, Smike?’ cried Mrs. Squeers; ‘let the
things alone, can’t you?’

‘Eh!’ said Squeers, looking up. ‘Oh! it’s you, is it?’

‘Yes, sir,’ replied the youth, pressing his hands together, as though to
control, by force, the nervous wandering of his fingers. ‘Is there--’

‘Well!’ said Squeers.

‘Have you--did anybody--has nothing been heard--about me?’

‘Devil a bit,’ replied Squeers testily.

The lad withdrew his eyes, and, putting his hand to his face, moved
towards the door.

‘Not a word,’ resumed Squeers, ‘and never will be. Now, this is a pretty
sort of thing, isn’t it, that you should have been left here, all these
years, and no money paid after the first six--nor no notice taken, nor
no clue to be got who you belong to? It’s a pretty sort of thing that I
should have to feed a great fellow like you, and never hope to get one
penny for it, isn’t it?’

The boy put his hand to his head as if he were making an effort to
recollect something, and then, looking vacantly at his questioner,
gradually broke into a smile, and limped away.

‘I’ll tell you what, Squeers,’ remarked his wife as the door closed, ‘I
think that young chap’s turning silly.’

‘I hope not,’ said the schoolmaster; ‘for he’s a handy fellow out of
doors, and worth his meat and drink, anyway. I should think he’d have
wit enough for us though, if he was. But come; let’s have supper, for I
am hungry and tired, and want to get to bed.’

This reminder brought in an exclusive steak for Mr. Squeers, who speedily
proceeded to do it ample justice. Nicholas drew up his chair, but his
appetite was effectually taken away.

‘How’s the steak, Squeers?’ said Mrs. S.

‘Tender as a lamb,’ replied Squeers. ‘Have a bit.’

‘I couldn’t eat a morsel,’ replied his wife. ‘What’ll the young man
take, my dear?’

‘Whatever he likes that’s present,’ rejoined Squeers, in a most unusual
burst of generosity.

‘What do you say, Mr. Knuckleboy?’ inquired Mrs. Squeers.

‘I’ll take a little of the pie, if you please,’ replied Nicholas. ‘A
very little, for I’m not hungry.’

Well, it’s a pity to cut the pie if you’re not hungry, isn’t it?’ said
Mrs. Squeers. ‘Will you try a bit of the beef?’

‘Whatever you please,’ replied Nicholas abstractedly; ‘it’s all the same
to me.’

Mrs. Squeers looked vastly gracious on receiving this reply; and nodding
to Squeers, as much as to say that she was glad to find the young man
knew his station, assisted Nicholas to a slice of meat with her own fair
hands.

‘Ale, Squeery?’ inquired the lady, winking and frowning to give him to
understand that the question propounded, was, whether Nicholas should
have ale, and not whether he (Squeers) would take any.

‘Certainly,’ said Squeers, re-telegraphing in the same manner. ‘A
glassful.’

So Nicholas had a glassful, and being occupied with his own reflections,
drank it, in happy innocence of all the foregone proceedings.

‘Uncommon juicy steak that,’ said Squeers, as he laid down his knife and
fork, after plying it, in silence, for some time.

‘It’s prime meat,’ rejoined his lady. ‘I bought a good large piece of it
myself on purpose for--’

‘For what!’ exclaimed Squeers hastily. ‘Not for the--’

‘No, no; not for them,’ rejoined Mrs. Squeers; ‘on purpose for you
against you came home. Lor! you didn’t think I could have made such a
mistake as that.’

‘Upon my word, my dear, I didn’t know what you were going to say,’ said
Squeers, who had turned pale.

‘You needn’t make yourself uncomfortable,’ remarked his wife, laughing
heartily. ‘To think that I should be such a noddy! Well!’

This part of the conversation was rather unintelligible; but popular
rumour in the neighbourhood asserted that Mr. Squeers, being amiably
opposed to cruelty to animals, not unfrequently purchased for boy
consumption the bodies of horned cattle who had died a natural death;
possibly he was apprehensive of having unintentionally devoured some
choice morsel intended for the young gentlemen.

Supper being over, and removed by a small servant girl with a hungry
eye, Mrs. Squeers retired to lock it up, and also to take into safe
custody the clothes of the five boys who had just arrived, and who were
half-way up the troublesome flight of steps which leads to death’s door,
in consequence of exposure to the cold. They were then regaled with
a light supper of porridge, and stowed away, side by side, in a small
bedstead, to warm each other, and dream of a substantial meal with
something hot after it, if their fancies set that way: which it is not
at all improbable they did.

Mr. Squeers treated himself to a stiff tumbler of brandy and water, made
on the liberal half-and-half principle, allowing for the dissolution of
the sugar; and his amiable helpmate mixed Nicholas the ghost of a small
glassful of the same compound. This done, Mr. and Mrs. Squeers drew
close up to the fire, and sitting with their feet on the fender, talked
confidentially in whispers; while Nicholas, taking up the tutor’s
assistant, read the interesting legends in the miscellaneous questions,
and all the figures into the bargain, with as much thought or
consciousness of what he was doing, as if he had been in a magnetic
slumber.

At length, Mr. Squeers yawned fearfully, and opined that it was high time
to go to bed; upon which signal, Mrs. Squeers and the girl dragged in a
small straw mattress and a couple of blankets, and arranged them into a
couch for Nicholas.

‘We’ll put you into your regular bedroom tomorrow, Nickelby,’ said
Squeers. ‘Let me see! Who sleeps in Brooks’s bed, my dear?’

‘In Brooks’s,’ said Mrs. Squeers, pondering. ‘There’s Jennings, little
Bolder, Graymarsh, and what’s his name.’

‘So there is,’ rejoined Squeers. ‘Yes! Brooks is full.’

‘Full!’ thought Nicholas. ‘I should think he was.’

‘There’s a place somewhere, I know,’ said Squeers; ‘but I can’t at this
moment call to mind where it is. However, we’ll have that all settled
tomorrow. Good-night, Nickleby. Seven o’clock in the morning, mind.’

‘I shall be ready, sir,’ replied Nicholas. ‘Good-night.’

‘I’ll come in myself and show you where the well is,’ said Squeers.
‘You’ll always find a little bit of soap in the kitchen window; that
belongs to you.’

Nicholas opened his eyes, but not his mouth; and Squeers was again going
away, when he once more turned back.

‘I don’t know, I am sure,’ he said, ‘whose towel to put you on; but
if you’ll make shift with something tomorrow morning, Mrs. Squeers will
arrange that, in the course of the day. My dear, don’t forget.’

‘I’ll take care,’ replied Mrs. Squeers; ‘and mind YOU take care, young
man, and get first wash. The teacher ought always to have it; but they
get the better of him if they can.’

Mr. Squeers then nudged Mrs. Squeers to bring away the brandy bottle, lest
Nicholas should help himself in the night; and the lady having seized it
with great precipitation, they retired together.

Nicholas, being left alone, took half-a-dozen turns up and down the room
in a condition of much agitation and excitement; but, growing gradually
calmer, sat himself down in a chair, and mentally resolved that, come
what come might, he would endeavour, for a time, to bear whatever
wretchedness might be in store for him, and that remembering the
helplessness of his mother and sister, he would give his uncle no
plea for deserting them in their need. Good resolutions seldom fail of
producing some good effect in the mind from which they spring. He grew
less desponding, and--so sanguine and buoyant is youth--even hoped that
affairs at Dotheboys Hall might yet prove better than they promised.

He was preparing for bed, with something like renewed cheerfulness,
when a sealed letter fell from his coat pocket. In the hurry of leaving
London, it had escaped his attention, and had not occurred to him since,
but it at once brought back to him the recollection of the mysterious
behaviour of Newman Noggs.

‘Dear me!’ said Nicholas; ‘what an extraordinary hand!’

It was directed to himself, was written upon very dirty paper, and in
such cramped and crippled writing as to be almost illegible. After great
difficulty and much puzzling, he contrived to read as follows:--

My dear young Man.

I know the world. Your father did not, or he would not have done me a
kindness when there was no hope of return. You do not, or you would not
be bound on such a journey.

If ever you want a shelter in London (don’t be angry at this, I once
thought I never should), they know where I live, at the sign of the
Crown, in Silver Street, Golden Square. It is at the corner of Silver
Street and James Street, with a bar door both ways. You can come at
night. Once, nobody was ashamed--never mind that. It’s all over.

Excuse errors. I should forget how to wear a whole coat now. I have
forgotten all my old ways. My spelling may have gone with them.

NEWMAN NOGGS.

P.S. If you should go near Barnard Castle, there is good ale at the
King’s Head. Say you know me, and I am sure they will not charge you
for it. You may say Mr. Noggs there, for I was a gentleman then. I was
indeed.


It may be a very undignified circumstances to record, but after he had
folded this letter and placed it in his pocket-book, Nicholas Nickleby’s
eyes were dimmed with a moisture that might have been taken for tears.



CHAPTER 8

Of the Internal Economy of Dotheboys Hall


A ride of two hundred and odd miles in severe weather, is one of the
best softeners of a hard bed that ingenuity can devise. Perhaps it is
even a sweetener of dreams, for those which hovered over the rough couch
of Nicholas, and whispered their airy nothings in his ear, were of an
agreeable and happy kind. He was making his fortune very fast indeed,
when the faint glimmer of an expiring candle shone before his eyes, and
a voice he had no difficulty in recognising as part and parcel of Mr
Squeers, admonished him that it was time to rise.

‘Past seven, Nickleby,’ said Mr. Squeers.

‘Has morning come already?’ asked Nicholas, sitting up in bed.

‘Ah! that has it,’ replied Squeers, ‘and ready iced too. Now, Nickleby,
come; tumble up, will you?’

Nicholas needed no further admonition, but ‘tumbled up’ at once, and
proceeded to dress himself by the light of the taper, which Mr. Squeers
carried in his hand.

‘Here’s a pretty go,’ said that gentleman; ‘the pump’s froze.’

‘Indeed!’ said Nicholas, not much interested in the intelligence.

‘Yes,’ replied Squeers. ‘You can’t wash yourself this morning.’

‘Not wash myself!’ exclaimed Nicholas.

‘No, not a bit of it,’ rejoined Squeers tartly. ‘So you must be content
with giving yourself a dry polish till we break the ice in the well, and
can get a bucketful out for the boys. Don’t stand staring at me, but do
look sharp, will you?’

Offering no further observation, Nicholas huddled on his clothes.
Squeers, meanwhile, opened the shutters and blew the candle out; when
the voice of his amiable consort was heard in the passage, demanding
admittance.

‘Come in, my love,’ said Squeers.

Mrs. Squeers came in, still habited in the primitive night-jacket which
had displayed the symmetry of her figure on the previous night, and
further ornamented with a beaver bonnet of some antiquity, which she
wore, with much ease and lightness, on the top of the nightcap before
mentioned.

‘Drat the things,’ said the lady, opening the cupboard; ‘I can’t find
the school spoon anywhere.’

‘Never mind it, my dear,’ observed Squeers in a soothing manner; ‘it’s
of no consequence.’

‘No consequence, why how you talk!’ retorted Mrs. Squeers sharply; ‘isn’t
it brimstone morning?’

‘I forgot, my dear,’ rejoined Squeers; ‘yes, it certainly is. We purify
the boys’ bloods now and then, Nickleby.’

‘Purify fiddlesticks’ ends,’ said his lady. ‘Don’t think, young man,
that we go to the expense of flower of brimstone and molasses, just to
purify them; because if you think we carry on the business in that way,
you’ll find yourself mistaken, and so I tell you plainly.’

‘My dear,’ said Squeers frowning. ‘Hem!’

‘Oh! nonsense,’ rejoined Mrs. Squeers. ‘If the young man comes to be
a teacher here, let him understand, at once, that we don’t want any
foolery about the boys. They have the brimstone and treacle, partly
because if they hadn’t something or other in the way of medicine they’d
be always ailing and giving a world of trouble, and partly because it
spoils their appetites and comes cheaper than breakfast and dinner. So,
it does them good and us good at the same time, and that’s fair enough
I’m sure.’

Having given this explanation, Mrs. Squeers put her head into the closet
and instituted a stricter search after the spoon, in which Mr. Squeers
assisted. A few words passed between them while they were thus engaged,
but as their voices were partially stifled by the cupboard, all that
Nicholas could distinguish was, that Mr. Squeers said what Mrs. Squeers
had said, was injudicious, and that Mrs. Squeers said what Mr. Squeers
said, was ‘stuff.’

A vast deal of searching and rummaging ensued, and it proving fruitless,
Smike was called in, and pushed by Mrs. Squeers, and boxed by Mr. Squeers;
which course of treatment brightening his intellects, enabled him to
suggest that possibly Mrs. Squeers might have the spoon in her po

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