Samantha Among the Brethren, Complete
by Marietta Holley · English · Gutenberg #9450 · 411,851 chars · public domain (US)
The Project Gutenberg eBook of Samantha Among the Brethren, Complete
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online
at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States,
you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located
before using this eBook.
Title: Samantha Among the Brethren, Complete
Author: Marietta Holley
Release date: August 10, 2004 [eBook #9450]
Most recently updated: January 2, 2021
Language: English
Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/9450
Credits: Produced by Juliet Sutherland, David Widger and PG Distributed
Proofreaders
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK SAMANTHA AMONG THE BRETHREN, COMPLETE ***
Produced by Juliet Sutherland, David Widger and PG Distributed
Proofreaders
[Illustration] SAMANTHA
AMONG THE BRETHREN.
BY
“JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE”
(MARIETTA HOLLEY).
_WITH ILLUSTRATIONS_.
1890
TO
All Women
WHO WORK, TRYING TO BRING INTO DARK LIVES
THE BRIGHTNESS AND HOPE OF A
BETTER COUNTRY,
_THIS BOOK IS DEDICATED_.
PREFACE.
Again it come to pass, in the fulness of time, that my companion, Josiah
Allen, see me walk up and take my ink stand off of the manteltry piece,
and carry it with a calm and majestick gait to the corner of the settin'
room table devoted by me to literary pursuits. And he sez to me:
“What are you goin' to tackle now, Samantha?”
And sez I, with quite a good deal of dignity, “The Cause of Eternal
Justice, Josiah Allen.”
“Anythin' else?” sez he, lookin' sort o' oneasy at me. (That man
realizes his shortcomin's, I believe, a good deal of the time, he duz.)
“Yes,” sez I, “I lay out in petickuler to tackle the Meetin' House. She
is in the wrong on't, and I want to set her right.”
Josiah looked sort o' relieved like, but he sez out, in a kind of a pert
way, es he set there a-shellin corn for the hens:
“A Meetin' House hadn't ort to be called she--it is a he.”
And sez I, “How do you know?”
And he sez, “Because it stands to reason it is. And I'd like to know
what you have got to say about him any way?”
Sez I, “That 'him' don't sound right, Josiah Allen. It sounds more right
and nateral to call it 'she.' Why,” sez I, “hain't we always hearn about
the Mother Church, and don't the Bible tell about the Church bein'
arrayed like a bride for her husband? I never in my life hearn it called
a 'he' before.”
“Oh, wall, there has always got to be a first time. And I say it sounds
better. But what have you got to say about the Meetin' House, anyway?”
“I have got this to say, Josiah Allen. The Meetin' House hain't a-actin'
right about wimmen. The Founder of the Church wuz born of woman. It wuz
on a woman's heart that His head wuz pillowed first and last. While
others slept she watched over His baby slumbers and His last sleep. A
woman wuz His last thought and care. Before dawn she wuz at the door of
the tomb, lookin' for His comin'. So she has stood ever sense--waitin',
watchin', hopin', workin' for the comin' of Christ. Workin', waitin' for
His comin' into the hearts of tempted wimmen and tempted men--fallen men
and fallen wimmen--workin', waitin', toilin', nursin' the baby good
in the hearts of a sinful world--weepin' pale-faced over its
crucefixion--lookin' for its reserection. Oh how she has worked all
through the ages!”
“Oh shaw!” sez Josiah, “some wimmen don't care about anythin' but crazy
work and back combs.”
I felt took down, for I had been riz up, quite considerble, but I sez,
reasonable:
“Yes, there are such wimmen, Josiah, but think of the sweet and saintly
souls that have given all their lives, and hopes, and thoughts to the
Meetin' House--think of the throngs to-day that crowd the aisles of
the Sanctuary--there are five wimmen to one man, I believe, in all the
meetin' houses to-day a-workin' in His name. True Daughters of the King,
no matter what their creed may be--Catholic or Protestant.
“And while wimmen have done all this work for the Meetin' House, the
Meetin' House ort to be honorable and do well by her.”
“Wall, hain't _he_?” sez Josiah.
“No, _she_ hain't,” sez I.
“Wall, what petickuler fault do you find? What has _he_ done lately to
rile you up?”
Sez I, “_She_ wuz in the wrong on't in not lettin' wimmen set on the
Conference.”
“Wall, I say _he_ wuz right,” sez Josiah. “_He_ knew, and I knew, that
wimmen wuzn't strong enough to set.”
“Why,” sez I, “it don't take so much strength to set as it duz to stand
up. And after workin' as hard as wimmen have for the Meetin' House, she
ort to have the priveledge of settin'. And I am goin' to write out jest
what I think about it.”
“Wall,” sez Josiah, as he started for the barn with the hen feed, “don't
be too severe with the Meetin' House.”
And then, after he went out, he opened the door agin and stuck his head
in and sez:
“Don't be too hard on _him_”
And then he shet the door quick, before I could say a word. But good
land! I didn't care. I knew I could say what I wanted to with my
faithful pen--and I am bound to say it.
JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE,
Bonny View,
near Adams, New York,
Oct. 14th, 1890.
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER I.
CHAPTER II.
CHAPTER III.
CHAPTER IV.
CHAPTER V.
CHAPTER VI.
CHAPTER VII.
CHAPTER VIII.
CHAPTER IX.
CHAPTER X.
CHAPTER XI.
CHAPTER XII.
CHAPTER XIII.
CHAPTER XIV.
CHAPTER XV.
CHAPTER XVI
CHAPTER XVII
CHAPTER XVIII
CHAPTER XIX
CHAPTER XX
CHAPTER XXI
CHAPTER XXII
CHAPTER XXIII
CHAPTER XXIV
CHAPTER XXV
CHAPTER XXVI
CHAPTER XXVII
CHAPTER XXVIII
_Publishers' Appendix_
CHAPTER I.
When I first heard that wimmen wuz goin' to make a effort to set on a
Conference, it wuz on a Wednesday, as I remember well. For my companion,
Josiah Allen, had drove over to Loontown in a Democrat and in a great
hurry, to meet two men who wanted him to go into a speculation with 'em.
And it wuz kinder curious to meditate on it, that they wuz all deacons,
every one on 'em. Three on 'em wuz Baptis'es, and two on 'em had jined
our meetin' house, deacons, and the old name clung to 'em--we spoze
because they wuz such good, stiddy men, and looked up to.
Take 'em all together there wuz five deacons. The two foreign deacons
from 'way beyond Jonesville, Deacon Keeler and Deacon Huffer, and
our own three Jonesvillians--Deacon Henzy, Deacon Sypher, and my own
particular Deacon, Josiah Allen.
It wuz a wild and hazardous skeme that them two foreign deacons wuz
a-proposin', and I wuz strongly in favor of givin' 'em a negative
answer; but Josiah wuz fairly crazy with the idee, and so wuz Deacon
Henzy and Deacon Sypher (their wives told me how they felt).
The idee was to build a buzz saw mill on the creek that runs through
Jonesville, and have branches of it extend into Zoar, Loontown, and
other more adjacent townships (the same creek runs through 'em all).
As near as I could get it into my head, there wuz to be a buzz saw mill
apiece for the five deacons--each one of 'em to overlook their own
particular buzz saw--but the money comin' from all on 'em to be divided
up equal among the five deacons.
[Illustration: “A WILD AND HAZARDOUS SKEME.”]
They thought there wuz lots of money in the idee. But I wuz very set
against it from the first. It seemed to me that to have buzz saws
a-permeatin' the atmosphere, as you may say, for so wide a space, would
make too much of a confusion and noise, to say nothin' of the jarin'
that would take place and ensue. I felt more and more, as I meditated on
the subject, that a buzz saw, although estimable in itself, yet it wuz
not a spear in which a religious deacon could withdraw from the world,
and ponder on the great questions pertainin' to his own and the world's
salvation.
I felt it wuz not a spear that he could revolve round in and keep that
apartness from this world and nearness to the other, that I felt that
deacons ought to cultivate.
But my idees wuz frowned at by every man in Jonesville, when I ventured
to promulgate 'em. They all said, “The better the man, the better the
deed.”
They said, “The better the man wuz, the better the buzz saw he would be
likely to run.” The fact wuz, they needed some buzz saw mills bad, and
wuz very glad to have these deacons lay holt of 'em.
[Illustration: TALKING OVER THE BUZZ-SAW.]
But I threw out this question at 'em, and stood by it--“If bein' set
apart as a deacon didn't mean anything? If there wuzn't any deacon-work
that they ought to be expected to do--and if it wuz right for 'em to
go into any world's work so wild and hazardous and engrossin', as this
enterprise?”
And again they sez to me in stern, decided axents, “The better the man,
the better the deed. We need buzz saws.”
And then they would turn their backs to me and stalk away very
high-headed.
And I felt that I wuz a gettin' fearfully onpopular all through
Jonesville, by my questions. I see that the hull community wuz so sot on
havin' them five deacons embark onto these buzz saws that they would not
brook any interference, least of all from a female woman.
But I had a feelin' that Josiah Allen wuz, as you may say, my lawful
prey. I felt that I had a right to question my own pardner for the good
of his own soul, and my piece of mind.
And I sez to him in solemn axents:
“Josiah Allen, what time will you get when you are fairly started on
your buzz saw, for domestic life, or social, or for religious duties?”
And Josiah sez, “Dumb 'em! I guess a man is a goin' to make money when
he has got a chance.” And I asked him plain if he had got so low, and if
I had lived with him twenty years for this, to hear him in the end dumb
religious duties.
And Josiah acted skairt and conscience smut for most half a minute, and
said, “he didn't dumb 'em.”
“What wuz you dumbin'?” sez I, coldly.
“I wuz dumbin' the idee,” sez he, “that a man can't make money when he
has a chance to.”
But I sez, a haulin' up this strong argument agin--
“Every one of you men, who are a layin' holt of this enterprise and
a-embarkin' onto this buzz saw are married men, and are deacons in a
meetin' house. Now this work you are a-talkin' of takin' up will devour
all of your time, every minute of it, that you can spare from your
farms.
“And to say nothin' of your wives and children not havin' any chance
of havin' any comfort out of your society. What will become of the
interests of Zion at home and abroad, of foreign and domestic missions,
prayer meetin's, missionary societies, temperance meetin's and good
works generally?”
And then again I thought, and it don't seem as if I can be mistaken, I
most know that I heerd Josiah Allen mutter in a low voice,
“Dumb good works!”
[Illustration: “I HEERD JOSIAH MUTTER, 'DUMB GOOD WORKS!'”]
But I wouldn't want this told of, for I may be mistook. I didn't fairly
ketch the words, and I spoke out agin, in dretful meanin' and harrowin'
axents, and sez, “What will become of all this gospel work?”
And Josiah had by this time got over his skare and conscience smite (men
can't keep smut for more'n several minutes anyway, their consciences are
so elastic; good land! rubber cord can't compare with 'em), and he had
collected his mind all together, and he spoke out low and clear, and in
a tone as if he wuz fairly surprised I should make the remark:
“Why, the gospel work will get along jest as it always has, the wimmen
will 'tend to it.”
And I own I was kinder lost and by the side of myself when I asked the
question--and very anxious to break up the enterprise or I shouldn't
have put the question to him.
For I well knew jest as he did that wimmen wuz most always the ones to
go ahead in church and charitable enterprises. And especially now, for
there wuz a hardness arozen amongst the male men of the meetin' house,
and they wouldn't do a thing they could help (but of this more anon and
bimeby).
There wuz two or three old males in the meetin' house, too old to get
mad and excited easy, that held firm, and two very pious old male
brothers, but poor, very poor, had to be supported by the meetin' house,
and lame. They stood firm, or as firm as they could on such legs as
theirs wuz, inflammatory rheumatiz and white swellin's and such.
But all the rest had got their feelin's hurt, and got mad, etc., and
wouldn't do a thing to help the meetin' house along.
Well, I tried every lawful, and mebby a little on-lawful way to break
this enterprise of theirs up--and, as I heern afterwards, so did Sister
Henzy.
Sister Sypher is so wrapped up in Deacon Sypher that she would embrace a
buzz saw mill or any other enterprise he could bring to bear onto her.
“She would be perfectly willin' to be trompled on,” so she often sez,
“if Deacon Sypher wuz to do the tromplin'.”
Some sez he duz.
Wall, in spite of all my efforts, and in spite of all Sister Henzy's
efforts, our deacons seemed to jest flourish on this skeme of theirn.
And when we see it wuz goin' to be a sure thing, even Sister Sypher
begin to feel bad.
She told Albina Widrig, and Albina told Miss Henn, and Miss Henn told
me, that “what to do she didn't know, it would deprive her of so much of
the deacon's society.” It wuz goin' to devour so much of his time that
she wuz afraid she couldn't stand it. She told Albina in confidence (and
Albina wouldn't want it told of, nor Miss Henn, nor I wouldn't) that she
had often been obleeged to go out into the lot between breakfast and
dinner to see the deacon, not bein' able to stand it without lookin' on
his face till dinner time.
And when she was laid up with a lame foot it wuz known that the deacon
left his plowin' and went up to the house, or as fur as the door step,
four or five times in the course of a mornin's work, it wuz spozed
because she wuz fearful of forgettin' how he looked before noon.
She is a dretful admirin' woman.
She acts dretful reverential and admirin' towards men--always calls
her husband “the Deacon,” as if he was the one lonely deacon who was
perambulatin' the globe at this present time. And it is spozed that
when she dreams about him she dreams of him as “the Deacon,” and not as
Samuel (his given name is Samuel).
[Illustration: “THE INITIALS STOOD FOR 'MISS DEACON SYPHER.'”]
But we don't know that for certain. We only spoze it. For the land of
dreams is a place where you can't slip on your sun-bonnet and foller
neighbor wimmen to see what they are a-doin' or what they are a-sayin'
from hour to hour.
No, the best calculator on gettin' neighborhood news can't even look
into that land, much less foller a neighborin' female into it.
No, their barks have got to be moored outside of them mysterious shores.
But, as I said, this had been spozen.
But it is known from actual eyesight that she marks all her sheets, and
napkins, and piller-cases, and such, “M. D. S.” And I asked her one day
what the M. stood for, for I 'spozed, of course, the D. S. stood for
Drusillia Sypher.
And she told me with a real lot of dignity that the initials stood for
“Miss Deacon Sypher.”
Wall, the Jonesville men have been in the habit of holdin' her up as a
pattern to their wives for some time, and the Jonesville wimmen
hain't hated her so bad as you would spoze they all would under
the circumstances, on account, we all think, of her bein' such a
good-hearted little creeter. We all like Drusilly and can't help it.
Wall, even she felt bad and deprested on account of her Deacon's goin'
into the buzz saw-mill business.
But she didn't say nothin', only wept out at one side, and wiped up
every time he came in sight.
They say that she hain't never failed once of a-smilin' on the Deacon
every time he came home. And once or twice he has got as mad as a hen at
her for smilin'. Once, when he came home with a sore thumb--he had jest
smashed it in the barn door--and she stood a-smilin' at him on the door
step, there are them that say the Deacon called her a “infernal fool.”
But I never have believed it. I don't believe he would demean himself so
low.
But he yelled out awful at her, I do 'spoze, for his pain wuz intense,
and she stood stun still, a-smilin' at him, jest accordin' to the story
books. And he sez:
“Stand there like a----fool, will you! Get me a _rag!_”
I guess he did say as much as that.
But they say she kept on a-smilin' for some time--couldn't seem to
stop, she had got so hardened into that way.
[Illustration: “ONCE, WHEN HER FACE WUZ ALL SWELLED UP, SHE SMILED AT
HIM.”]
And once, when her face wuz all swelled up with the toothache, she
smiled at him accordin' to rule when he got home, and they say the
effect wuz fearful, both on her looks and the Deacon's acts. They say he
was mad again, and called her some names. But as a general thing they
get along first rate, I guess, or as well as married folks in general,
and he makes a good deal of her.
I guess they get along without any more than the usual amount of
difficulties between husbands and wives, and mebby with less. I know
this, anyway, that she just about worships the Deacon.
Wall, as I say, it was the very day that these three deacons went to
Loontown to meet Deacon Keeler and Deacon Huffer, to have a conference
together as to the interests of the buzz saw mill that I first heard
the news that wimmen wuz goin' to make a effort to set on the Methodist
Conference, and the way I heerd on't wuz as follows:
Josiah Allen brought home to me that night a paper that one of the
foreign deacons, Deacon Keeler, had lent him. It contained a article
that wuz wrote by Deacon Keeler's son, Casper Keeler--a witherin'
article about wimmen's settin' on the Conference. It made all sorts of
fun of the projeck.
We found out afterwards that Casper Keeler furnished nearly all the
capital for the buzz saw mill enterprise at his father's urgent request.
His father, Deacon Keeler, didn't have a cent of money of his own; it
fell onto Casper from his mother and aunt. They had kept a big millinery
store in the town of Lyme, and a branch store in Loontown, and wuz great
workers, and had laid up a big property. And when they died, the aunt,
bein' a maiden woman at the time, the money naturally fell onto Casper.
He wuz a only child, and they had brung him up tender, and fairly
worshipped him.
They left him all the money, but left a anuety to be paid yearly to his
father, Deacon Keeler, enough to support him.
The Deacon and his wife had always lived happy together--she loved to
work, and he loved to have her work, so they had similar tastes, and wuz
very congenial--and when she died he had the widest crape on his hat
that wuz ever seen in the town of Lyme. (The crape was some she had left
in the shop.)
He mourned deep, both in his crape and his feelin's, there hain't a
doubt of that.
Wall, Miss Keelerses will provided money special for Casper to be
educated high. So he went to school and to college, from the time he was
born, almost. So he knew plenty of big words, and used 'em fairly lavish
in this piece. There wuz words in it of from six to seven syllables.
Why, I hadn't no idee till I see 'em with my own eye, that there wuz
any such words in the English language, and words of from four to six
syllables wuz common in it.
His father, Deacon Keeler, wouldn't give the paper to my companion, he
thought so much of it, but he offered to lend it to him, because he said
he felt that the idees it promulgated wuz so sound and deep they ought
to be disseminated abroad.
The idees wuz, “that wimmen hadn't no business to set on the Conference.
She wuz too weak to set on it. It wuz too high a place for her too
ventur' on, or to set on with any ease. There wuzn't no more than room
up there for what men would love to set on it. Wimmen's place wuz in the
sacred precinks of home. She wuz a tender, fragile plant, that needed
guardin' and guidin' and kep by man's great strength and tender care
from havin' any cares and labors whatsoever and wheresoever and
howsumever.”
Josiah said it wuz a masterly dockument. And it wuz writ well. It
painted in wild, glarin' colors the fear that men had that wimmen would
strain themselves to do anything at all in the line of work--or would
weaken her hull constitution, and lame her moral faculties, and ruin
herself by tryin' to set up on a Conference, or any other high and
tottlin' eminence.
The piece wuz divided into three different parts, with a headin' in big
letters over each one.
The _first_ wuz, wimmen to have no labors and cares WHATSOEVER;
_Secondly_, NONE WHERESOEVER;
_Thirdly_, NONE HOWSUMEVER.
The writer then proceeded to say that he would show first, _what_ cares
and labors men wuz willin' and anxious to ward offen women. And he
proved right out in the end that there wuzn't a thing that they wanted
wimmen to do--not a single thing.
Then he proceeded to tell _where_ men wuz willin' to keep their labors
and cares offen wimmen. And he proved it right out that it wuz every
_where_. In the home, the little sheltered, love-guarded home of the
farmer, the mechanic and the artizen (makin' special mention of the buzz
sawyers). And also in the palace walls and the throne. There and every
_where_ men would fain shelter wimmen from every care, and every labor,
even the lightest and slightest.
Then lastly came the _howsumever_. He proceeded to show _how_ this could
be done. And he proved it right out (or thought he did) that the first
great requisit' to accomplish all this, wuz to keep wimmen in her
place. Keep her from settin' on the Conference, and all other tottlin'
eminences, fitted only for man's stalwart strength.
And the end of the article wuz so sort of tragick and skairful that
Josiah wept when he read it. He pictured it out in such strong colors,
the danger there wuz of puttin' wimmen, or allowin' her to put herself
in such a high and percipitous place, such a skairful and dangerous
posture as settin' up on a Conference.
[Illustration: “JOSIAH WEPT WHEN HE READ IT.”]
“To have her set up on it,” sez the writer, in conclusion, “would
endanger her life, her spiritual, her mental and her moral growth. It
would shake the permanency of the sacred home relations to its downfall.
It would hasten anarchy, and he thought sizm.” Why, Josiah Allen
handled that paper as if it wuz pure gold. I know he asked me anxiously
as he handed it to me to read, “if my hands wuz perfectly clean,” and we
had some words about it.
And till he could pass it on to Deacon Sypher to read he kep it in the
Bible. He put it right over in Galatians, for I looked to see--Second
Galatians.
And he wrapped it up in a soft handkerchief when he carried it over to
Deacon Sypherses. And Deacon Sypher treasured it like a pearl of great
price (so I spoze) till he could pass it on to Deacon Henzy.
And Deacon Henzy was to carry it with care to a old male Deacon in Zoar,
bed rid.
Wall, as I say, that is the very first I had read about their bein' any
idee promulgated of wimmens settin' up on the Conference.
And I, in spite of Josiah Allen's excitement, wuz in favor on't from the
very first.
Yes, I wuz awfully in favor of it, and all I went through durin' the
next and ensuin' weeks didn't put the idee out of my head. No, far from
it. It seemed as if the severer my sufferin's wuz, the much more this
idee flourished in my soul. Just as a heavy plow will meller up the soil
so white lilies can take root, or any other kind of sweet posies.
And oh! my heart! wuz not my sufferin's with Lodema Trumble, a hard plow
and a harrowin' one, and one that turned up deep furrows?
But of this, more anon and bimeby.
CHAPTER II.
Wall, it wuz on the very next day--on a Thursday as I remember well, for
I wuz a-thinkin' why didn't Lodema's letter come the next day--Fridays
bein' considered onlucky--and it being a day for punishments, hangin's,
and so forth.
But it didn't, it came on a Thursday. And my companion had been to
Jonesville and brung me back two letters; he brung 'em in, leavin' the
old mair standin' at the gate, and handed me the letters, ten pounds of
granulated sugar, a pound of tea, and the request I should have supper
on the table by the time that he got back from Deacon Henzy's.
(On that old buzz-saw business agin, so I spozed, but wouldn't ask.)
Wall, I told him supper wuz begun any way, and he had better hurry back.
But he wuz belated by reason of Deacon Henzy's bein' away, so I set
there for some time alone.
Wall, I wuz goin' to have some scolloped oysters for supper, so the
first thing I did wuz to put 'em into the oven--they wuz all ready, I
had scolloped 'em before Josiah come, and got 'em all ready for the
oven--and then I set down and read my letters.
Wall, the first one I opened wuz from Lodema Trumble, Josiah's cousin on
his own side. And her letter brought the sad and harrowin' intelligence
that she was a-comin' to make us a good long visit. The letter had been
delayed. She was a-comin' that very night, or the next day. Wall, I
sithed deep. I love company dearly, but--oh my soul, is there not a
difference, a difference in visitors?
Wall, suffice it to say, I sithed deep, and opened the other letter,
thinkin' it would kind o' take my mind off.
And for all the world! I couldn't hardly believe my eyes. But it wuz! It
wuz from Serena Fogg. It wuz from the Authoress of “Wedlock's Peaceful
Repose.”
I hadn't heard a word from her for upwards of four years. And the letter
brung me startlin' intelligence.
It opened with the unexpected information that she wuz married. She had
been married three years and a half to a butcher out to the Ohio.
And I declare my first thought wuz as I read it, “Wall, she has wrote
dretful flowery on wedlock, and its perfect, onbroken calm, and peaceful
repose, and now she has had a realizin' sense of what it really is.”
But when I read a little further, I see what the letter wuz writ for. I
see why, at this late day, she had started up and writ me a letter. I
see it wuz writ on duty.
She said she had found out that I wuz in the right on't and she wuzn't.
She said that when in the past she had disputed me right up and down,
and insisted that wedlock wuz a state of perfect serenity, never broken
in upon by any cares or vexations whatsomever, she wuz in the wrong
on't.
She said she had insisted that when anybody had moored their barks into
that haven of wedded life, that they wuz forever safe from any rude
buffetin's from the world's waves; that they wuz exempt from any toil,
any danger, any sorrow, any trials whatsomever. And she had found she
was mistook.
She said I told her it wuz a first-rate state, and a satisfactory one
for wimmen; but still it had its trials, and she had found it so. She
said that I insisted its serenity wuz sometimes broken in upon, and she
had found it so. The last day at my house had tottled her faith, and her
own married experience had finished the work. Her husband wuz a worthy
man, and she almost worshipped him. But he had a temper, and he raved
round considerable when meals wuzn't ready on time, and she havin' had
two pairs of twins durin' her union (she comes from a family on her
mother's side, so I had hearn before, where twins wuz contagious), she
couldn't always be on the exact minute. She had to work awful hard; this
broke in on her serenity.
Her husband devotedly loved her, so she said; but still, she said, his
bootjack had been throwed voyalent where corns wuz hit onexpected.
[Illustration: “FOUR TWINS BROKE IN ALSO ON HER WAVELESS CALM.”]
Their souls wuz mated firm as they could be in deathless ties of
affection and confidence, yet doors _had_ been slammed and oaths
emitted, when clothin' rent and buttons tarried not with him. Strange
actions and demeanors had been displayed in hours of high-headedness and
impatience, which had skaired her almost to death before gettin'
accustomed to 'em.
The four twins broke in also on her waveless calm. They wuz lovely
cherubs, and the four apples of her eyes. But they did yell at times,
they kicked, they tore round and acted; they made work--lots of work.
And one out of each pair snored. It broke up each span, as you may say.
The snorin' filled each room devoted to 'em.
_He_ snored, loud. A good man and a noble man he wuz, so she repeated
it, but she found out too late--too late, that he snored. The house wuz
small; she could _not_ escape from snores, turn she where she would. She
got tired out with her work days, and couldn't rest nights. Her husband,
as he wuz doin' such a flourishin' business, had opened a cattle-yard
near the house. She wuz proud of his growin' trade, but the bellerin'
of the cattle disturbed her fearfully. Also the calves bleating and the
lambs callin' on their dams.
It wuz a long letter, filled with words like these, and it ended up by
saying that for years now she had wanted to write and tell me that I had
been in the right on't and she in the wrong. I had been megum and she
hadn't. And she ended by sayin', “God bless me and adoo.”
[Illustration: THE LECTURE.]
The fire crackled softly on the clean hearth. The teakettle sung a song
of welcome and cheer. The oysters sent out an agreeable atmosphere. The
snowy table, set out in pretty china and glassware, looked invitin', and
I set there comfortable and happy and so peaceful in my frame, that the
events of the past, in which Serena Fogg had flourished, seemed but as
yesterday.
I thought it all over, that pleasant evenin' in the past, when Josiah
Allen had come in unexpected, and brung the intelligence to me that
there wuz goin' to be a lectur' give that evenin' by a young female at
the Jonesville school-house, and beset me to go.
And I give my consent. Then my mind travelled down that pleasant road,
moongilded, to the school-house. It stopped on the door-step while
Josiah hitched the mair.
We found the school-house crowded full, fur a female lecturer wuz a
rarity, and she wuz a pretty girl, as pretty a girl as I ever see in my
life.
And it wuz a pretty lecture, too, dretful pretty. The name of the
lecture wuz, “Wedlock's Peaceful and Perfect Repose.”
A pretty name, I think, and it wuz a beautiful lecture, very, and
extremely flowery. It affected some of the hearers awfully; they wuz
all carried away with it. Josiah Allen wept like a child durin' the
rehearsin' of it. I myself didn't weep, but I enjoyed it, some of it,
first rate.
I can't begin to tell it all as she did, 'specially after this length of
time, in such a lovely, flowery way, but I can probably give a few of
the heads of it.
It hain't no ways likely that I can give the heads half the stylish,
eloquent look that she did as she held 'em up, but I can jest give the
bare heads.
She said that there had been a effort made in some directions to try to
speak against the holy state of matrimony. The papers had been full of
the subject, “Is Marriage a Failure, or is it not?”
She had even read these dreadful words--“Marriage is a Failure.” She
hated these words, she despised 'em. And while some wicked people spoke
against this holy institution, she felt it to be her duty, as well as
privilege, to speak in its praise.
I liked it first rate, I can tell you, when she went on like that. For
no living soul can uphold marriage with a better grace that can she
whose name vuz once Smith.
I _love_ Josiah Allen, I am _glad_ that I married him. But at the same
time, my almost devoted love doesn't make me blind. I can see on every
side of a subject, and although, as I said heretofore, and prior, I love
Josiah Allen, I also love megumness, and I could not fully agree with
every word she said.
But she went on perfectly beautiful--I didn't wonder it brought the
school-house down--about the holy calm and perfect rest of marriage, and
how that calm wuz never invaded by any rude cares.
How man watched over the woman he loved; how he shielded her from every
rude care; kept labor and sorrow far, far from her; how woman's life wuz
like a oneasy, roarin', rushin' river, that swept along discontented and
onsatisfied, moanin' and lonesome, until it swept into the calm sea of
Repose--melted into union with the grand ocian of Rest, marriage.
And then, oh! how calm and holy and sheltered wuz that state! How
peaceful, how onruffled by any rude changes! Happiness, Peace, Calm! Oh,
how sweet, how deep wuz the ocian of True Love in which happy, united
souls bathed in blissful repose!
[Illustration: “HE HAD ON A NEW VEST.”]
It was dretful pretty talk, and middlin' affectin'. There wasn't a dry
eye in Josiah Allen's head, and I didn't make no objection to his givin'
vent to his feelin's, only when I see him bust out a-weepin' I jest
slipped my pocket-handkerchief 'round his neck and pinned it behind.
(His handkerchief wuz in constant use, a cryin' and weepin' as he wuz.)
And I knew that salt water spots black satin awfully. He had on a new
vest.
Submit Tewksbury cried and wept, and wept and cried, caused by
remembrances, it wuz spozed. Of which, more anon, and bimeby.
And Drusilly Sypher, Deacon Sypherses wife, almost had a spazzum, caused
by admiration and bein' so highly tickled.
I myself didn't shed any tears, as I have said heretofore. And what kep'
me calmer wuz, I _knew_, I knew from the bottom of my heart, that she
went too fur, she wuzn't megum enough.
And then she went on to draw up metafors, and haul in illustrations,
comparin' married life and single--jest as likely metafors as I ever
see, and as good illustrations as wuz ever brung up, only they every one
of 'em had this fault--when she got to drawin' 'em, she drawed 'em too
fur. And though she brought the school-house down, she didn't convince
me.
[Illustration: “I MYSELF DIDN'T SHED ANY TEARS.”]
Once she compared single life to a lonely goose travellin' alone acrost
the country, 'cross lots, lonesome and despairin', travellin' along
over a thorny way, and desolate, weighed down by melancholy and gloomy
forebodin's, and takin' a occasional rest by standin' up on one cold
foot and puttin' its weery head under its wing, with one round eye
lookin' out for dangers that menaced it, and lookin', also, perhaps, for
a possible mate, for the comin' gander--restless, wobblin', oneasy,
miserable.
Why, she brought the school-house down, and got the audience all wrought
up with pity, and sympathy. Oh, how Submit Tewksbury did weep; she wept
aloud (she had been disappointed, but of this more bimeby).
And then she went on and compared that lonesome voyager to two blissful
wedded ones. A pair of white swans floatin' down the waveless calm,
bathed in silvery light, floatin' down a shinin' stream that wuz never
broken by rough waves, bathed in a sunshine that wuz never darkened by a
cloud.
And then she went on to bring up lots of other things to compare the two
states to--flowery things and sweet, and eloquent.
She compared single life to quantities of things, strange, weird,
melancholy things, and curius. Why, they wuz so powerful that every one
of 'em brought the school-house down.
And then she compared married life to two apple blossoms hangin'
together on one leafy bough on the perfumed June air, floatin' back and
forth under the peaceful benediction of summer skies.
And she compared it to two white lambs gambolin' on the velvety
hill-side. To two strains of music meltin' into one dulcet harmony,
perfect, divine harmony, with no discordant notes.
Josiah hunched me, he wanted me to cry there, at that place, but I
wouldn't. He did, he cried like an infant babe, and I looked close and
searchin' to see if my handkerchief covered up all his vest.
He didn't seem to take no notice of his clothes at all, he wuz a-weepin'
so--why, the whole schoolhouse wept, wept like a babe.
But I didn't. I see it wuz a eloquent and powerful effort. I see it was
beautiful as anything could be, but it lacked that one thing I have
mentioned prior and before this time. It lacked megumness.
I knew they wuz all impressive and beautful illustrations, I couldn't
deny it, and I didn't want to deny it. But I knew in my heart that the
lonely goose that she had talked so eloquent about, I knew that though
its path might be tegus the most of the time, yet occasionally it
stepped upon velvet grass and blossomin' daisies. And though the happy
wedded swans floated considerable easy a good deal of the time, yet
occasionally they had their wings rumpled by storms, thunder storms,
sudden squalls, and et cetery, et cetery.
And I knew the divine harmony of wedded love, though it is the sweetest
that earth affords, I knew that, and my Josiah knew it--the very
sweetest and happiest strains that earthly lips can sing.
Yet I knew that it wuz both heavenly sweet, and divinely sad, blended
discord and harmony. I knew there wuz minor chords in it, as well as
major, I knew that we must await love's full harmony in heaven. There
shall we sing it with the pure melody of the immortals, my Josiah and
me. But I am a eppisodin', and to continue and resoom.
Wall, we wuz invited to meet the young female after the lecture wuz
over, to be introduced to her and talk it over.
She wuz the Methodist minister's wive's cousin, and the minister's wife
told me she wuz dretful anxious to get my opinion on the lecture. I
spoze she wanted to get the opinion of one of the first wimmen of the
day. For though I am fur from bein' the one that ort to mention it, I
have heard of such things bein' said about me all round Jonesville, and
as far as Loontown and Shackville. And so, I spoze, she wanted to get
hold of my opinion.
Wall, I wuz introduced to her, and I shook hands with her, and kissed
her on both cheeks, for she is a sweet girl and I liked her looks.
I could see that she was very, VERY sentimental, but she had a sweet,
confidin', innocent look to her, and I give her a good kissin' and I
meant it. When I like a person, I _do_ like 'em, and visy-versey.
But at the same time my likin' for a person mustn't be strong enough to
overthrow my principles. And when she asked me in her sweet axents, “How
I liked her lecture, and if I could see any faults in it?” I leaned up
against Duty, and told her, “I liked it first-rate, but I couldn't agree
with every word of it.”
Here Josiah Allen give me a look sharp enough to take my head clear off,
if looks could behead anybody. But they can't.
And I kept right on, calm and serene, and sez I, “It wuz very full of
beautiful idees, as full of 'em as a rose-bush is full of sweetness in
June, but,” says I, “if I speak at all I must tell the truth, and I must
say that while your lecture is as sweet and beautiful a effort as I ever
see tackled, full of beautiful thoughts, and eloquence, still I must say
that in my opinion it lacked one thing, it wuzn't mean enough.”
“Mean enough?” sez she. “What do you mean?”
“Why,” sez I, “I mean, mean temperature, you know, middleinness,
megumness, and whatever you may call it; you go too fur.”
She said with a modest look “that she guessed she didn't, she guessed
she didn't go too far.”
And Josiah Allen spoke up, cross as a bear, and, sez he, “I know she
didn't. She didn't say a word that wuzn't gospel truth.”
Sez I, “Married life is the happiest life in my opinion; that is, when
it is happy. Some hain't happy, but at the same time the happiest of 'em
hain't _all_ happiness.”
“It is,” sez Josiah (cross and surly), “it is, too.”
[Illustration: “YOU GO TOO FUR.”]
And Serena Fogg said, gently, that she thought I wuz mistaken, “she
thought it wuz.” And Josiah jined right in with her and said:
“He _knew_ it wuz, and he would take his oath to it.”
But I went right on, and, sez I, “Mebby it is in one sense the most
peaceful; that is, when the affections are firm set and stabled it makes
'em more peaceful than when they are a-traipsin' round and a-wanderin'.
But,” sez I, “marriage hain't _all_ peace.”
Sez Josiah: “It is, and I'll swear to it.”
Sez I, goin' right on, cool and serene, “The sunshine of true love gilds
the pathway with the brightest radiance we know anything about, but it
hain't all radiance.”
“Yes, it is,” sez Josiah, firmly, “it is, every mite of it.”
And Serena Fogg sez, tenderly and amiably, “Yes, I think Mr. Allen is
right; I think it is.”
“Wall,” sez I, in meanin' axcents, awful meanin', “when you are married
you will change your opinion, you mark my word.”
And she said, gently, but persistently, “That she guessed she shouldn't;
she guessed she was in the right of it.”
Sez I, “You think when anybody is married they have got beyend all
earthly trials, and nothin' but perfect peace and rest remains?”
And she sez, gently, “Yes, mem!”
“Why,” sez I, “I am married, and have been for upwards of twenty years,
and I think I ought to know somethin' about it; and how can it be called
a state of perfect rest, when some days I have to pass through as many
changes as a comet, and each change a tegus one. I have to wabble round
and be a little of everything, and change sudden, too.
“I have to be a cook, a step-mother, a housemaid, a church woman, a wet
nurse (lots of times I have to wade out in the damp grass to take care
of wet chickens and goslins). I have to be a tailoress, a dairy-maid,
a literary soarer, a visitor, a fruit-canner, a adviser, a soother, a
dressmaker, a hostess, a milliner, a gardener, a painter, a surgeon, a
doctor, a carpenter, a woman, and more'n forty other things.
“Marriage is a first-rate state, and agreeable a good deal of the time;
but it haint a state of perfect peace and rest, and you'll find out it
haint if you are ever married.”
But Miss Fogg said, mildly, “that she thought I wuz mistaken--she
thought it wuz.”
“You do?” sez I.
“Yes, mem,” sez she.
I got up, and sez I, “Come, Josiah, I guess we had better be a-goin'.”
I thought it wouldn't do no good to argue any more with her, and Josiah
started off after the mair. He had hitched it on the barn floor.
She didn't seem willin' to have me go; she seemed to cling to me. She
seemed to be a good, affectionate little creetur. And she said she would
give anything almost if she could rehearse the hull lecture over to me,
and have me criticise it. Sez she:
“I have heard so much about you, and what a happy home you have.”
“Yes,” sez I, “it is as happy as the average of happy homes, any way.”
And sez she, “I have heard that you and your husband wuz just devoted to
each other.” And I told her “that our love for each other wuz like two
rocks that couldn't be moved.”
And she said, “On these very accounts she fairly hankered after my
advice and criticism. She said she hadn't never lived in any house where
there wuz a livin' man, her father havin' died several months before she
was born; and she hadn't had the experience that I had, and she presumed
that I could give her several little idees that she hadn't thought on.”
And I told her calmly “that I presumed I could.”
It seemed that her father died two months after marriage, right in the
midst of the mellow light of the honeymoon, before he had had time to
drop the exstatic sweetness of courtship and newly-married bliss and
come down into the ordinary, everyday, good and bad demeanors of men.
And she had always lived with her mother (who naturally worshipped
and mentally knelt before the memory of her lost husband) and three
sentimental maiden aunts. And they had drawed all their knowledge of
manhood from Moore's poems and Solomon's Songs. So Serena Fogg's idees
of men and married life wuz about as thin and as well suited to stand
the wear and tear of actual experience as a gauze dress would be to face
a Greenland winter in.
And so, after considerable urgin' on her part (for I kinder hung back
and hated to tackle the job, but not knowin' but that it wuz duty's
call), I finally consented, and it wuz arranged this way:
She wuz to come down to our house some day, early in the mornin', and
stay all day, and she wuz to stand up in front of me and rehearse the
lecture over to me, and I wuz to set and hear it, and when she came to a
place where I didn't agree with her I wuz to lift up my right hand and
she wuz to stop rehearsin', and we wuz to argue with each other back and
forth and try to convince each other.
And when we got it all arranged Josiah and I set out for home, I calm in
my frame, though dreadin' the job some.
CHAPTER III.
But Josiah Allen wuz jest crazy over that lecture--crazy as a loon. He
raved about it all the way home, and he would repeat over lots of it
to me. About “how a man's love was the firm anchor that held a woman's
happiness stiddy; how his calm and peaceful influence held her mind in
a serene calm--a waveless repose; how tender men wuz of the fair sect,
how they watched over 'em and held 'em in their hearts.”
“Oh,” sez he, “it went beyond anything I ever heard of. I always knew
that men wuz good and pious, but I never realized how dumb pious they
wuz till to-night.”
“She said,” sez I, in considerable dry axents--not so dry as I keep by
me, but pretty dry--“No true man would let a woman perform any manuel
labor.”
“Wall, he won't. There ain't no need of your liftin' your little finger
in emanuel labor.”
“Manuel, Josiah.”
“Wall, I said so, didn't I? Hain't I always holdin' you back from work?”
“Yes,” sez I. “You often speak of it, Josiah. You are as good,” sez I,
firmly, “full as good as the common run of men, and I think a little
better. But there are things that have to be done. A married woman that
has a house and family to see to and don't keep a hired girl, can't get
along without some work and care.”
“Wall I say,” sez he, “that there hain't no need of you havin' a care,
not a single care. Not as long as I live--if it wuzn't for me, you might
have some cares, and most probable would, but not while I live.”
I didn't say nothin' back, for I don't want to hurt his feelin's, and
won't, not if I can help it. And he broke out again anon, or nearly
anon--
[Illustration: “OH, WHAT A LECTURE THAT WUZ.”]
“Oh, what a lecture that wuz. Did you notice when she wuz goin' on
perfectly beautiful, about the waveless sea of married life--did you
notice how it took the school house down? And I wuz perfectly mortified
to see you didn't weep or even clap your hands.”
“Wall,” sez I, firmly, “when I weep or when I clap, I weep and clap
on the side of truth. And I can't see things as she duz. I have been
a-sailin' on that sea she depictured for over twenty years, and have
never wanted to leave it for any other waters. But, as I told her, and
tell you now, it hain't always a smooth sea, it has its ups and downs,
jest like any other human states.”
Sez I, soarin' up a very little ways, not fur, for it wuz too cold, and
I was too tired, “There hain't but one sea, Josiah Allen, that is calm
forever, and one day we will float upon it, you and me. It is the sea
by which angels walk and look down into its crystal depths, and behold
their blessed faces. It is the sea on whose banks the fadeless lilies
blow--and that mirrors the soft, cloudless sky of the Happy Morning. It
is the sea of Eternal Repose, that rude blasts can never blow up into
billows. But our sea--the sea of married life--is not like that, it is
ofttimes billowy and rough.”
“I say it hain't,” sez he, for he was jest carried away with the
lecture, and enthused. “We have had a happy time together, Josiah Allen,
for over twenty years, but has our sea of life always been perfectly
smooth?”
“Yes, it has; smooth as glass.”
“Hain't there never been a cloud in our sky?”
“No, there hain't; not a dumb cloud.”
Sez I, sternly, “There has in mine. Your wicked and profane swearin' has
cast many and many a cloud over my sky, and I'd try to curb in my tongue
if I was in your place.”
“'Dumb' hain't swearin',” sez he. And then he didn't say nothin' more
till anon, or nearly at that time, he broke out agin, and sez he:
“Never, never did I hear or see such eloquence till to-night I'll have
that girl down to our house to stay a week, if I'm a living Josiah
Allen.”
“All right,” sez I, cheerfully. “I'd love to have her stay a week or
ten days, and I'll invite her, too, when she comes down to rehearse her
lecture.”
Wall we got home middlin' tired, and the subject kinder dropped down,
and Josiah had lots of work come on the next day, and so did I, and
company. And it run along for over a week before she come. And when she
did come, it wuz in a dreadful bad time. It seems as if she couldn't
have come in a much worse time.
It wuz early one mornin', not more than nine o'clock, if it wuz that.
There had come on a cold snap of weather unexpected, and Josiah wuz
a-bringin' in the cook stove from the summer kitchen, when she come.
Josiah Allen is a good man. He is my choice out of a world full of men,
but I can't conceal it from myself that his words at such a time are
always voyalent, and his demeanor is not the demeanor that I would wish
to have showed off to the public.
He wuz at the worst place, too. He had got the stove wedged into the
entry-way door, and couldn't get it either way. He had acted awkward
with it, and I told him so, and he see it when it wuz too late.
He had got it fixed in such a way that he couldn't get into the kitchen
himself without gettin' over the stove, and I, in the course of duty,
thought it wuz right to tell him that if he had heerd to me he wouldn't
have been in such a fix. Oh! the voyalence and frenzy of his demeanor as
he stood there a-hollerin'. I wuz out in the wood-house shed a-bilin' my
cider apple sass in the big cauldron kettle, but I heard the racket,
and as I come a-runnin' in I thought I heard a little rappin' at the
settin'-room door, but I didn't notice it much, I wuz that agitated to
see the way the stove and Josiah wuz set and wedged in.
There the stove wuz, wedged firm into the doorway, perfectly sot there.
There wuz sut all over the floor, and there stood Josiah Allen, on the
wood-house side, with his coat off, his shirt all covered with black,
and streaks of black all over his face. And oh! how wild and almost
frenzied his attitude wuz as he stood there as if he couldn't move nor
be moved no more than the stove could. And oh! the voyalence of the
language he hurled at me acrost that stove.
“Why,” sez I, “you must come in here, Josiah Allen, and pull it from
this side.”
And then he hollered at me, and asked me:
“How in thunder he was a goin' to _get_ in.” And then he wanted to know
“if I wanted him squshed into jelly by comin' in by the side of it--or
if I thought he wuz a crane, that he could step over it or a stream
of water that he could run under it, or what else do you think?” He
hollered wildly.
“Wall,” sez I, “you hadn't ort to got it fixed in that shape. I told
you what end to move first,” sez I. “You have moved it in side-ways. It
would go in all right if you had started it the other way.”
“Oh, yes! It would have been all right. You love to see me, Samantha,
with a stove in my arms. You love it dearly. I believe you would be
perfectly happy if you could see me a luggin' round stoves every day.
But I'll tell you one thing, if this dumb stove is ever moved either way
out of this door--if I ever get it into a room agin, it never shall
be stirred agin so much as a hair's breadth--not while I have got the
breath of life in me.”
Sez I, “Hush! I hear somebody a-knockin' at the door.”
“I won't hush. It is nothin' but dumb foolishness a movin' round stoves,
and if anybody don't believe it let 'em look at me--and let 'em look at
that stove set right here in the door as firm as a rock.”
[Illustration: “WON'T YOU BE STILL?”]
Sez I agin in a whisper, “Do be still, and I'll let 'em in, I don't want
them to ketch you a talkin' so and a-actin'.” “Wall, I want 'em to
ketch me, that is jest what I want 'em to do. If it is a man he'll say
every word I say is Gospel truth, and if it is a woman it will make her
perfectly happy to see me a-swelterin' in the job--seven times a year do
I have to move this stove back and forth--and I say it is high time I
said a word. So you can let 'em in just as quick as you are a mind to.”
Sez I, a whisperin' and puttin' my finger on my lip:
“Won't you be still?”
“No, I won't be still!” he yelled out louder than ever. “And you may go
through all the motions you want to and you can't stop me. All you have
got to do is to walk round and let folks in, happy as a king. Nothin'
under the heavens ever made a woman so happy as to have some man
a-breakin' his back a-luggin' round a stove.”
I see he wouldn't stop, so I had to go and open the door, and there
stood Serena Fogg, there stood the author of “Wedlock's Peaceful
Repose.” I felt like a fool. For I knew she had heard every word, I see
she had by her looks. She looked skairt, and as surprised and sort o'
awe-stricken as if she had seen a ghost. I took her into the parlor, and
took her things, and I excused myself by tellin' her that I should have
to be out in the kitchen a-tendin' to things for a spell, and went back
to Josiah.
And I whispered to him, sez I: “Miss Fogg has come, and she has heard
every word you have said, Josiah Allen. And what will she think now
about Wedlock's Peaceful Repose?”
But he had got that wild and reckless in his demeanor and acts, that
he went right on with his hollerin', and, sez he, “She won't find much
repose here to-day, and I'll tell her that. This house has got to be all
tore to pieces to get that stove started.”
Sez I, “There won't be nothin' to do only to take off one side of the
door casin'. And I believe it can be done without that.”
“Oh, you believe! you believe! You'd better take holt and lug and lift
for two hours as I have, and then see.”
Sez I, “You hain't been here more'n ten minutes, if you have that. And
there,” sez I, liftin' up one end a little, “see what anybody can do who
is calm. There I have stirred it, and now you can move it right along.”
“Oh, _you_ did it! I moved it myself.”
I didn't contend, knowin' it wuz men's natural nater to say that.
[Illustration: “AND HE SAID I HAD RUBBED 'EM OUT.”]
Wall, at last Josiah got the stove in, but then the stove-pipe wouldn't
go together, it wouldn't seem to fit. He had marked the joints with
chalk, and the marks had rubbed off, and he said I had “rubbed 'em out.”
I wuz just as innocent as a babe, but I didn't dispute him much, for I
see a little crack open in the parlor door, and I knew the author of
“Wedlock's Peaceful Repose” was a-listenin'.
But when he told me for the third time that I rubbed 'em out on purpose
to make him trouble, and that I had made a practice of rubbin' 'em out
for years and years--why, then I _had_ to correct him on the subject,
and we had a little dialogue.
I spoze Serena Fogg heard it. But human nater can't bear only just so
much, especially when it has stoves a dirtien up the floor, and apple
sass on its mind, and unexpected company, and no cookin' and a threshin'
machine a-comin'.
CHAPTER IV.
Never knew a word about the threshin' machine a-comin' till about half
an hour before. Josiah Allen wuzn't to blame. It come just as onexpected
onto him as it did onto me.
Solomon Gowdey wuz a-goin' to have 'em first, which would have left me
ample time to cook up for 'em. But he wuz took down bed sick, so they
had to come right onto us with no warnin' previous and beforehand.
They wuz a drivin' up just as Josiah got the stove-pipe up. They had to
go right by the side of the house, right by the parlor winders, to get
to the side of the barn where they wanted to thresh; and just as they
wuz a-goin' by one of the horses got down, and of all the yellin' I ever
heard that was the cap sheaf.
Steve Yerden is rough on his horses, dretful rough. He yells at 'em
enough to raise the ruff. His threshin' machine is one of the kind where
the horses walk up and look over the top. It is kinder skairful any way,
and it made it as bad agin when you expected to see the horse fall out
every minute.
Wall, that very horse fell out of the machine three times that day. It
wuz a sick horse, I believe, and hadn't ort to have been worked. But
three times it fell, and each time the yellin' wuz such that it skairt
the author of “Peaceful Repose,” and me, almost to death.
The machine wuz in plain sight of the house, and every time we see the
horse's head come a mountin' up on top of the machine, we expected that
over it would go. But though it didn't fall out only three times, as I
said, it kep' us all nerved up and uneasy the hull of the time expectin'
it. And Steve Yerden kep' a-yellin' at his horses all the time; there
wuzn't no comfort to be took within a mile of him.
I wuz awful sorry it happened so, on her account.
[Illustration: “IT DIDN'T FALL OUT ONLY THREE TIMES.”]
Wall, I had to get dinner for nine men, and cook if all from the very
beginnin'. If you'll believe it, I had to begin back to bread. I hadn't
any bread in the house, but I had it a-risin', and I got two loaves out
by dinner time. But I had to stir round lively, I can tell you, to make
pies and cookies and fried cakes, and cook meat, and vegetables of all
kinds.
The author of “Wedlock's Peaceful Repose” came out into the kitchen. I
told her she might, if she wanted to, for I see I wuzn't goin' to have a
minute's time to go into the parlor and visit with her.
She looked pretty sober and thoughtful, and I didn't know as she liked
it, to think I couldn't do as I promised to do, accordin' to agreement,
to hear her lecture, and lift my hand up when I differed from her.
But, good land! I couldn't help it. I couldn't get a minute's time to
lift my hand up. I could have heard the lecture, but I couldn't spare my
hands.
And then Josiah would come a-rushin' in after one thing and another,
actin' as was natural, accordin' to the nater of man, more like a wild
man than a Christian Methodist. For he was so wrought up and excited by
havin' so much on his hands to do, and the onexpectedness of it, that he
couldn't help actin' jest as he did act. I don't believe he could. And
then Steve Yerden is enough to distract a leather-man, any way.
[Illustration: “TO FIND A PIECE OF OLD ROPE TO TIE UP THE HARNESS.”]
Twice I had to drop everything and find cloths to do up the horse's
legs, where it had grazed 'em a-fallin' out of the machine. And once I
took my hands out of the pie-crust to find a piece of old rope to tie up
the harness. It seemed as if I left off every five minutes to wait on
Josiah Allen, to find somethin' that he wanted and couldn't find, or
else to do somethin' for him that he couldn't do.
Truly, it was a wild and harrowin' time, and tegus. But I kept a firm
holt of my principles, and didn't groan--not when anybody could hear me.
I won't deny that I did, out in the buttery by myself, give vent to a
groan or two, and a few sithes. But immegiately, or a very little after,
I was calm again.
Wall, worse things wuz a-comin' onto me, though I didn't know it. I owed
a tin peddler; had been owin' him for four weeks. I owed him twenty-five
pounds of paper rags, for a new strainer. I had been expectin' him for
over three weeks every day. But in all the three hundred and sixty-five
days of the year, there wuzn't another day that would satisfy him; he
had got to come on jest that day, jest as I wuz fryin' my nut cakes for
dinner.
I tried to put him off till another day. But no! He said it wuz his last
trip, and he must have his rags. And so I had to put by my work, and lug
down my rag-bag. His steel-yards wuz broke, so he had to weigh 'em in
the house. It wuz a tegus job, for he wuz one of the perticuler kind,
and had to look 'em all over before he weighed 'em, and pick out every
little piece of brown paper, or full cloth--everything, he said, that
wouldn't make up into the nicest kind of writin' paper.
And my steel-yards wuz out of gear any way, so they wouldn't weigh but
five pounds at a time, and he wuz dretful perticuler to have 'em just
right by the notch.
And he would call on me to come and see just how the steel-yards stood
every time. (He wuz as honest as the day; I hain't a doubt of it.)
But it wuz tegus, fearful tegus, and excitin'. Excitin', but not
exhileratin', to have the floor all covered with rags of different
shapes and sizes, no two of a kind. It wuz a curius time before he come,
and a wild time, but what must have been the wildness, and the curosity
when there wuz, to put a small estimate on it, nearly a billion of crazy
lookin' rags scattered round on the floor.
[Illustration: “SHE LOOKED CURIUS, CURIUSER THAN THE FLOOR LOOKED.”]
But I kep' calm; I have got giant self-control, and I used every mite of
it, every atom of control I had by me, and kep' calm. I see I must--for
I see that Miss Fogg looked bad; yes, I see that the author of
“Wedlock's Peaceful Repose” wuz pretty much used up. She looked curius,
curiuser than the floor looked, and that is goin' to the complete end of
curosity, and metafor.
Wall, I tussled along and got dinner ready. The tin peddler had to stay
to dinner, of course. I couldn't turn him out jest at dinner time. And
sometimes I almost think that he delayed matters and touzled 'round
amongst them rags jest a purpose to belate himself, so he would have to
stay to dinner.
I am called a good cook. It is known 'way out beyend Loontown and
Zoar--it is talked about, I spoze. Wall, he stayed to dinner. But he
only made fourteen; there wuz only thirteen besides him, so I got along.
And I had a good dinner and enough of it.
I had to wait on the table, of course--that is, the tea and coffee. And
I felt that a cup of good, strong tea would be a paneky. I wuz that wore
out and flustrated that I felt that I needed a paneky to soothe.
And I got the rest all waited on and wuz jest a liftin' my cup to my
lips, the cup that cheers everybody but don't inebriate 'em--good,
strong Japan tea with cream in it. Oh, how good it smelt. But I hadn't
fairly got it to my mouth when I wuz called off sudden, before I had
drinked a drop, for the case demanded help at once.
Miss Peedick had unexpected company come in, jest as they wuz a-settin'
down to the dinner-table, and she hadn't hardly anything for dinner, and
the company wuz very genteel--a minister and a Justice of the Peace--so
she wanted to borrow a loaf of bread and a pie.
She is a good neighbor and is one that will put herself out for a
neighborin' female, and I went into the buttery, almost on the run, to
get 'em for her, for her girl said she wanted to get 'em into the house
and onto the table before Mr. Peedick come in with 'em from the horse
barn, for they knew that Mr. Peedick would lead 'em out to dinner the
very second they got into the house, and Miss Peedick didn't want her
husband to know that she had borrowed vittles, for he would be sure to
let the cat out of the bag, right at the table, by speakin' about 'em
and comparin' 'em with hern.
I see the necessity for urgent haste, and the trouble wuz that I hurried
too much. In takin' down a pie in my awful hurry, I tipped over a pan of
milk right onto my dress. It wuz up high and I wuz right under the
shelf, so that about three tea-cupsful went down into my neck. But the
most went onto my dress, about five quarts, I should judge besides that
that wuz tricklin' down my backbone.
[Illustration: “I SEE THE NECESSITY FOR URGENT HASTE.”]
Wall, I started Serintha Ann Peedick off with her ma's pie and bread,
and then wiped up the floor as well as I could, and then I had to go and
change my clothes. I had to change 'em clear through to my wrapper, for
I wuz wet as sop--as wet as if I had been takin' a milk swim.
CHAPTER V.
Wall, the author of “Wedlock's Peaceful Repose” wuz a-waitin' for me to
the table; the men had all got through and gone out. She sot right by
me, and she had missed me, I could see. Her eyes looked bigger than
ever, and more sad like.
She said, “she was dretful sorry for me,” and I believed her.
She asked me in a awe-stricken tone, “if I had such trials every day?”
And I told her “No, I didn't.” I told her that things would run along
smooth and agreeable for days and days, but that when things got to
happenin', they would happen right along for weeks at a time, sometimes,
dretful curius. A hull batch of difficulties would rain down on anybody
to once. Sez I, “You know Mr. Shakespeare says that' Sorrows never come
a-spyin' along as single fighters, but they come in hull battles of
'em,' or words to that effect.”
Sez I, in reasonable axents, “Mebby I shall have a hull lot of good
things happen to me right along, one after another, some dretful
agreeable days, and easy.”
Sez she in the same sad axents, and wonderin', “Did you ever have
another day in your hull life as hard as this you are a-passin'
through?”
“Oh, yes,” sez I, “lots of'em--some worse ones, and,” sez I, “the day
has only jest begun yet, I presume I shall have lots and lots of new
things happen to me before night. Because it is jest as I tell you, when
things get to happenin' there hain't no tellin' when they will ever
stop.”
Miss Fogg groaned, a low, deep groan, and that is every word she said,
only after a little while she spoke up, and sez:
“You hain't eaten a bit of dinner; it all got cold while you wuz a
changin' your dress.”
“Oh, wall,” sez I, “I can get along some way. And I must hurry up and
get the table cleared off any way, and get to my work agin', for I have
got to do a lot of cookin' this afternoon. It takes a sight of pies and
cakes and such to satisfy twelve or a dozen men.”
So I went to work vigorously agin. But well might I tell Miss Fogg “that
the day had only jest begun, and there wuz time for lots of things
to happen before night,” for I had only jest got well to work on the
ingregiences of my pies when Submit Tewksbury sent over “to see if I
could let her have them sturchien seeds I had promised her--she wanted
'em to run up the inside of her bedroom winder, and shade her through
the winter. She wuz jest a-settin' out her winter stock of flower roots
and seeds, and wanted 'em immegiatly, and to once, that is, if it was
perfectly convenient,” so the boy said.
Submit is a good creeter, and she wouldn't have put that burden on me on
such a time for nothin', not if she had known my tribulations; but she
didn't, and I felt that one trial more wouldn't, as the poet hath well
said, “either make or break me.”
So I went to huntin' for the seeds. Wall, it wuz a good half-hour before
I could find 'em, for of course it wuz natural nater, accordin' to the
total deprivity of things, that I should find 'em in the bottom of the
last bag of seeds that I overhauled.
But Submit had been disappointed, and I didn't want to make her burdens
any heavier, so I sent her the sturchien seeds.
But it wuz a trial I do admit to look over more than forty bags of
garden and flower seeds in such a time as that. But I sent 'em. I sent
Submit the sturchien seeds, and then I laid to work again fast as I
possibly could.
But I sez to the author of “Peaceful Repose,” I sez to her, sez I:
“I feel bad to think I hain't gettin' no time to hear you rehearse your
lecture, but you can see jest how it is; you see I hain't had a minute's
time today. Mebby I will get a few minutes' time before night; I will
try to,” sez I.
“Oh,” sez she, “it hain't no matter about that; I--I--I somehow--I don't
feel like rehearsin' it as it was.” Sez she, “I guess I shall make some
changes in it before I rehearse it agin.”
Sez I, “You lay out to make a more mean thing of it, more megum.”
“Yes,” sez she, in faint axents, “I am a-thinkin' of it.”
[Illustration: “AS I STARTED FOR THE BUTTERY.”]
“Wall,” sez I cheerfully, as I started for the buttery with a pile of
cups in one hand, the castor and pickle dish in the other, and a pile of
napkins under my arm, “I believe I shall like it as well again if you
do, any way,” sez I, as I kicked away the cat that wuz a-clawin' my
dress, and opened the door with my foot, both hands bein' full.
“Any way, there will be as much agin truth in it.”
Wall, I went to work voyalently, and in two hours' time I had got my
work quelled down some. But I had to strain nearly every nerve in the
effort.
And I am afraid I didn't use the colporter just exactly right, who come
when I wuz right in the midst of puttin' the ingregiences into my tea
cakes. I didn't enter so deep into the argument about the Revised
New Testament as I should in easier and calmer times. I conversed
considerable, I argued some with him, but I didn't get so engaged as
mebby I had ort to. He acted disappointed, and he didn't stay and talk
more'n an hour and three quarters.
He generally spends half a day with us. He is a master hand to talk;
he'll make your brain fairly spin round he talks so fast and handles
such large, curius words. He talked every minute, only when I wuz
a-answerin' his questions.
[Illustration: “THERE WUZ SOMETHIN' WRONG ABOUT 'EM.”]
Wall, he had jest gone, the front gate had just clicked onto him, when
Miss Philander Dagget came in at the back door. She had her press-board
in her hand, and a coat over her arm, and I see in a minute that I had
got another trial onto me. I see I had got to set her right.
I set her a chair, and she took off her sun-bonnet and hung it over the
back of her chair, and set down, and then she asked me if I could spend
time to put in the sleeves of her husband's coat. She said “there wuz
somethin' wrong about em', but she didn't know what.”
She said “she wouldn't have bothered me that day when I had so much
round, but Philander had got to go to a funeral the next day, as one of
the barriers, and he must have his coat.”
Wall, I wrung my hands out of the dish-water they was in at the time,
and took the coat and looked at it, and the minute I set my eyes on it
I see what ailed it I see she had got the sleeves sot in so the elbows
come right in front of his arms, and if he had wore it in that condition
to the funeral or anywhere else he would have had to fold up his arms
right acrost his back; there wuzn't no other possible way.
And then I turned tailoress and helped her out of her trouble. I sot
the sleeves in proper, and fixed the collar. She had got it sot on as a
ruffle. I drawed it down smooth where it ort to be and pinned it--and
she went home feelin' first rate.
I am very neighborly, and helpful, and am called so. Jonesville would
miss me if any thing should happen.
[Illustration: “SHE IS APT TO GET THINGS WRONG.”]
I have often helped that woman a sight. She is a good, willin' creeter,
but she is apt to get things wrong, dretful apt. She made her little
boy's pantaloons once wrong side before, so it would seem that he would
have to set down from the front side, or else stand up.
And twice she got her husband's pantaloons sewed up so there wuz no way
to get into em' only to crawl up into 'em through the bottom of the
legs. But I have always made a practice of rippin' and tearin' and
bastin', and settin' her right, and I did now.
Wall, she hadn't hardly got out of the back door, when Josiah Allen came
in in awful distress, he had got a thorn in his foot, he had put on an
old pair of boots, and there wuz a hole in the side of one of 'em, and
the thorn had got in through the hole. It pained him dretfully, and he
wuz jest as crazy as a loon for the time bein'. And he hollered the
first thing that “he wanted some of Hall's salve.” And I told him “there
wuzn't a mite in the house.”
And he hollered up and says, “There would be some if there wuz any sense
in the head of the house.”
[Illustration: “HE WANTED SOME OF HALL'S SALVE.”]
I glanced up mechanically at his bald head, but didn't say nothin', for
I see it wouldn't do. And he hollered out agin, “Why hain't there any
Hall's salve?” Sez I, “Because old Hall has been dead for years and
years, and hain't made any salve.”
“Wall, he wouldn't have been dead if he had had any care took of him,”
he yelled out.
“Why,” sez I, “he wuz killed by lightnin'; struck down entirely
onexpected five years ago last summer.”
“Oh, argue and dispute with a dying man. Gracious Peter! what will
become of me!” he groaned out, a-holdin' his foot in his hand.
Sez I, “Let me put some Pond's Extract on it, Josiah.”
“Pond's Extract!” he yelled, and then he called that good remedy words I
wuz ashamed to hear him utter.
And he jumped round and pranced and kicked just as it is the nater of
man to act under bodily injury of that sort. And then he ordered me to
take a pin and get the thorn out, and then acted mad as a hen at me
all the time I wuz a-doin' it; acted jest as if I wuz a-prickin' him
a-purpose.
He talked voyalent and mad. I tried to hush him down; I told him the
author of “Wedlock's Peaceful Repose” would hear him, and he hollered
back “he didn't care a cent who heard him. He wuz killed, and he
shouldn't live to trouble anybody long if that pain kept up.”
His acts and words wuz exceedingly skairful to anybody who didn't
understand the nater of a man. But I wuzn't moved by 'em so much as the
width of a horse hair. Good land! I knew that jest as soon as the pain
subsided he would be good as gold, so I kep' on, cool and collected, and
got the thorn out, and did up the suffering toe in Pond's Extract, and I
hadn't only jest got it done, when, for all the world! if I didn't see a
double team stop in front of the house, and I peeked through the winder
and see as it wuz the livery stable man from Jonesville, and he had
brung down the last straws to be lifted onto the camel's back--a hull
lot of onexpected company. A hull load of 'em.
There wuz the Baptist minister and his wife and their three children,
and the minister's wife's sister-in-law from the West, who wuz there
a-visitin', and the editor of the _Augur'ses_ wife (she wuz related to
the visitor from the West by marriage) and three of the twins. And old
Miss Minkley, she wuz acquainted with the visitor's mother, used to go
to school with her. And Drusilly Sypher, she wuz the visitor from the
West's bosom friend, or used to be.
Wall, they had all come down to spend the afternoon and visit with each
other, and with me and Josiah, and stay to supper.
CHAPTER VI.
The author of “Peaceful Repose” sez to me, and she looked pale and
skairt; she had heard every word Josiah had said, and she wuz dretful
skairt and shocked (not knowin' the ways of men, and not understandin',
as I said prior and before, that in two hours' time he would be jest as
good as the very best kind of pie, affectionate, and even spoony, if I
would allow spoons, which I will not the most of the time). Wall, she
proposed, Miss Fogg did, that she should ride back with the livery man.
And though I urged her to stay till night, I couldn't urge her as hard
as I would otherwise, for by that time the head of the procession of
visitors had reached the door-step, and I had to meet 'em with smiles.
[Illustration: “SHE PROPOSED THAT SHE SHOULD RIDE BACK WITH THE LIVERY
MAN.”]
I smiled some, I thought I must. But they wuz curius smiles, very,
strange-lookin' smiles, sort o' gloomy ones, and mournful lookin'. I
have got lots of different smiles that I keep by me for different
occasions, every woman has, and this wuz one of my most mournfulest and
curiusest ones.
Wall, the author of “Wedlock's Peaceful and Perfect Repose” insisted on
goin', and she went. And I sez to her as she went down the steps, “That
if she would come up some other day when I didn't have quite so much
work round, I would be as good as my word to her about hearin' her
rehearse the lecture.”
But she said, as she hurried out to the gate, lookin' pale an' wan (as
wan agin as she did when she came, if not wanner): “That she should make
_changes_ in it before she ever rehearsed it agin--_deep changes_!”
And I should dare to persume to say that she did. Though, as I say, she
went off most awful sudden, and I hadn't seen nor heard from her sence
till I got this letter.
Wall, jest as I got through with the authoresses letter, and Lodema
Trumble's, Josiah Allen came. And I hurried up the supper. I got it all
on the table while I wuz a steepin' my tea (it wuz good tea). And we sot
down to the table happy as a king and his queen. I don't s'pose queens
make a practice of steepin' tea, but mebby they would be better off if
they did--and have better appetites and better tea. Any way we felt
well, and the supper tasted good. And though Josiah squirmed some when I
told him Lodema wuz approachin' and would be there that very night or
the next day--still the cloud wore away and melted off in the glowin'
mellowness of the hot tea and cream, the delicious oysters and other
good things.
[Illustration: “MY PARDNER ENJOYS GOOD VITTLES.”]
My pardner, though, as he often says, is not a epicack, still he duz
enjoy good vittles dretful well and appreciates 'em. And I make a stiddy
practice of doin' the best I can by him in this direction.
And if more females would foller on and cipher out this simple rule, and
get the correct answer to it, the cramp in the right hands of divorce
lawyers would almost entirely disappear.
For truly it seems that _no_ human man _could be_ more worrysome, and
curius, and hard to get along with than Josiah Allen is at times; still,
by stiddy keepin' of my table set out with good vittles from day to day,
and year to year, the golden cord of affection has bound him to me by
ties that can't never be broken into.
He worships me! And the better vittles I get, the more he thinks on me.
For love, however true and deep it is, is still a tumultous sea; it has
its high tides, and its low ones, its whirlpools, and its calms.
He loves me a good deal better some days than he does others; I see it
in his mean. And mark you! mark it well, female reader, these days are
the ones that I cook up sights and sights of good food, and with a
cheerful countenance and clean apron, set it before him in a bright
room, on a snowy table-cloth!
Great--great is the mystery of men's love.
I have often and often repeated this simple fact and truth that
underlies married life, and believe me, dear married sisters, too much
cannot be said about it, by those whose hearts beat for the good of
female and male humanity--and it _cannot_ be too closely followed up and
practised by female pardners.
But I am a-eppisodin'; and to resoom.
Wall, Lodema Trumble arrove the next mornin' bright and early--I mean
the mornin' wuz bright, not Lodema--oh no, fur from it; Lodema is never
bright and cheerful--she is the opposite and reverse always.
She is a old maiden. I do think it sounds so much more respectful to
call 'em so rather than “old maid” (but I had to tutor Josiah dretful
sharp before I could get him into it).
I guess Lodema is one of the regular sort. There is different kinds of
old maidens, some that could marry if they would, and some that
would but couldn't. And I ruther mistrust she is one of the
“would-but-couldn't's,” though I wouldn't dast to let her know I said
so, not for the world.
Josiah never could bear the sight of her, and he sort o' blamed her for
bein' a old maiden. But I put a stop to that sudden, for sez I:
“She hain't to blame, Josiah.”
And she wuzn't. I hain't a doubt of it.
Wall, how long she calculated to stay this time we didn't know. But we
had our fears and forebodin's about it; for she wuz in the habit of
makin' awful long visits. Why, sometimes she would descend right down
onto us sudden and onexpected, and stay fourteen weeks right along--jest
like a famine or a pestilence, or any other simely that you are a mind
to bring up that is tuckerin' and stiddy.
And she wuz disagreeable, I'll confess, and she wuz tuckerin', but I
done well by her, and stood between her and Josiah all I could. He loved
to put on her, and she loved to impose on him. I don't stand up for
either on 'em, but they wuz at regular swords' pints all the time
a'most. And it come fearful tuff on me, fearful tuff, for I had to stand
the brunt on it.
But she is a disagreeable creeter, and no mistake. She is one of them
that can't find one solitary thing or one solitary person in this wide
world to suit 'em. If the weather is cold she is pinin' for hot weather,
and if the weather is hot she is pantin' for zero.
[Illustration: “BUT SHE IS A DISAGREEABLE CREETER.”]
If it is a pleasant day the sun hurts her eyes, and if it is cloudy she
groans aloud and says “she can't see.”
And no human bein' wuz ever known to suit her. She gets up early in the
mornin' and puts on her specs, and goes out (as it were) a-huntin' up
faults in folks. And she finds 'em, finds lots of 'em. And then she
spends the rest of the day a-drivin' 'em ahead of her, and groanin' at
'em.
You know this world bein' such a big place and so many different sort o'
things in it that you can generally find in it the perticuler sort of
game you set out to hunt in the mornin'.
If you set out to hunt beauty and goodness, if you take good aim and are
perseverin'--if you jest track 'em and foller 'em stiddy from mornin'
till night, and don't get led away a-follerin' up some other game,
such as meanness and selfishness and other such worthless head o'
cattle--why, at night you will come in with a sight of good game. You
will be a noble and happy hunter.
[Illustration: “BUT FIT WITH THEIR TONGUES, FEARFUL.”]
At the same time, if you hunt all day for faults you will come in at
night with sights of pelts. You will find what you hunt for, track 'em
right along and chase 'em down. Wall, Lodema never got led away from
her perticuler chase. She just hunted faults from mornin' till night,
and done well at it. She brought in sights of skins.
But oh! wuzn't it disagreeable in the extreme to Samantha, who had
always tried to bend her bow and bring down Beauty, to have her familiar
huntin' grounds turned into so different a warpath. It wuz disagreeable!
It wuz! It wuz!
And then, havin' to stand between her and Josiah too, wuz fearful
wearin' on me. I had always stood there in the past, and now in this
visit it wuz jest the same; all the hull time, till about the middle of
the fifth week, I had to stand between their two tongues--they didn't
fight with their hands, but fit with their tongues, fearful.
CHAPTER VII.
But along about the middle of the fifth week I see a change. Lodema
had been uncommon exasperatin', and I expected she would set Josiah to
goin', and I groaned in spirit, to think what a job wuz ahead of me, to
part their two tongues--when all of a sudden I see a curius change come
over my pardner's face.
I remember jest the date that the change in his mean wuz visible, and
made known to me--for it wuz the very mornin' that we got the invitation
to old Mr. and Miss Pressley's silver weddin'. And that wuz the
fifteenth day of the month along about the middle of the forenoon.
And it wuz not half an hour after Elnathen Pressley came to the door and
give us the invitations, that I see the change in his mean.
And when I asked him about it afterwards, what that strange and curius
look meant, he never hung back a mite from tellin' me, but sez right out
plain:
“Mebby, Samantha, I hain't done exactly as I ort to by cousin Lodema,
and I have made up my mind to make her a happy surprise before she goes
away.”
“Wall,” sez I, “so do.”
I thought he wuz goin' to get her a new dress. She had been a-hintin'
to him dretful strong to that effect. She wanted a parmetty, or a
balzereen, or a circassien, which wuz in voge in her young days. But I
wuz in hopes he would get her a cashmere, and told him so, plain.
But I couldn't get him to tell what the surprise wuz. He only sez, sez
he:
“I am goin' to make her a happy surprise.”
And the thought that he wuz a-goin' to branch out and make a change, wuz
considerable of a comfort to me. And I needed comfort--yes, indeed I
did--I needed it bad. For not one single thing did I do for her that I
done right, though I tried my best to do well by her.
But she found fault with my vittles from mornin' till night, though I am
called a excellent cook all over Jonesville, and all round the adjoining
country, out as far as Loontown, and Zoar. It has come straight back to
me by them that wouldn't lie. But it hain't made me vain.
But I never cooked a thing that suited Lodema, not a single thing. Most
of my vittles wuz too fresh, and then if I braced up and salted 'em
extra so as to be sure to please her, why then they wuz briny, and hurt
her mouth.
Why, if you'll believe it, I give her a shawl, made her a present of it;
it had even checks black and white, jest as many threads in the black
stripes as there wuz in the white, for I counted 'em.
And she told me, after she had looked it all over and said it wuz kinder
thin and slazy, and checkered shawls had gone out of fashion, and the
black looked some as if it would fade with washin', and the white wuzn't
over clear, and the colors wuzn't no ways becomin' to her complexion,
and etcetery, etcetery.
“But,” sez she, after she had got all through with the rest of her
complaints--“if the white stripes wuz where the black wuz, and the black
where the white wuz, she should like it quite well.” And there it wuz,
even check, two and two. Wall, that wuz a sample of her doin's. If
anybody had a Roman nose she wanted a Greecy one.
[Illustration: “IF THE WHITE STRIPES WUZ WHERE THE BLACK WUZ.”]
And if the nose wuz Greece, why then she wanted Rome.
Why, Josiah sez to me along about the third week, he said (to ourselves,
in private), “that if Lodema went to Heaven she would be dissatisfied
with it, and think it wuz livelier, and more goin' on down to the other
place.” And he said she would get the angels all stirred up a findin'
fault with their feathers.
I told him “I would not hear such talk.”
“Wall,” sez he, “don't you believe it?”
And I kinder turned him off, and wouldn't tell, and told him it wuz
wicked to talk so.
“Wall,” sez Josiah, “you dassent say she wouldn't.”
And I dassent, though I wouldn't own it up to him, I dassent.
And if she kinder got out of other occupations for a minute durin' them
first weeks she would be a quarrelin' with Josiah Allen about age.
I s'pose she and Josiah wuzn't far from the same age, for they wuz
children together. But she wanted to make out she wuz young.
And she would tell Josiah that “he seemed jest like a father to her, and
always had.” And sometimes when she felt the most curius, she would call
him “Father,” and “Pa,” and “Papa.” And it would mad Josiah Allen so
that I would have all I could do to quell him down.
Now I didn't feel so, I didn't mind it so much. Why, there would be
days, when she felt the curiusest, that she would call me “Mother,” and
“Ma,” and foller me round with foot-stools and things, when I went to
set down, and would kinder worry over my fallin' off the back step, and
would offer to help me up the suller stairs, and so forth, and watchin'
over what I et, and tellin' me folks of my age ort to be careful, and
not over-eat.
And Josiah asked me to ask her “How she felt about that time?” For she
wuz from three to four years older than I wuz.
But I wouldn't contend with her, and the footstools come kinder handy, I
had jest as lieve have 'em under my feet as not, and ruther. And as for
rich vittles not agreein' with me, and my not over-eatin', I broke that
tip by fallin' right in with her, and not cookin' such good things--that
quelled her down, and gaulded Josiah too.
But, as I said, it riled Josiah the worst of anything to have Lodema
call him father, for he wants to make out that he is kinder young
himself.
And sez he to her one day, about the third week, when she was a-goin'
on about how good and fatherly he looked, and how much he seemed like
a parent to her, and always had, sez he: “I wonder if I seemed like a
father to you when we wuz a-kickin' at each other in the same cradle?”
Sez he: “We both used to nuss out of the same bottle, any way, for
I have heard my mother say so lots of times. There wuzn't ten days'
difference in our ages. You wuz ten days the oldest as I have always
made out.”
She screamed right out, “Why, Josiah Allen, where is your conscience to
talk in that way--and your heart?”
“In here, where everybody's is,” sez Josiah, strikin' himself with his
right hand--he meant to strike against his left breast, but struck too
low, kinder on his stomach.
And sez I, “That is what I have always thought, Josiah Allen. I have
always had better luck reachin' your conscience through your stomach
than in any other way. And now,” sez I coldly, “do you go out and bring
in a pail of water.”
I used to get beat out and sick of their scufflin's and disagreein's,
and broke 'em up whenever I could.
But oh! oh! how she did quarrel with Josiah Allen and that buzz saw
scheme of his'n. How light she made of that enterprise, how she demeaned
the buzz, and run the saws--till I felt that bad as I hated the
enterprise myself, I felt that a variety of loud buzz saws would be a
welcome relief from her tongue--from their two tongues; for as fur down
as she would run them buzz saws, jest so fur would Josiah Allen praise
'em up.
[Illustration: LODEMA AND JOSIAH IN YOUTH.]
She never agreed with Josiah Allen but in jest one thing while she was
under his ruff. I happened to mention one day how extremely anxious I
wuz to have females set on the Conference; and then, wantin' to dispute
me, and also bein' set on that side, she run down the project, and
called it all to nort--and when too late she see that she had got over
on Josiah Allen's side of the fence.
But it had one good effect. When that man see she wuz there, he waded
off, way out of sight of the project, and wouldn't mention it--it madded
him so to be on the same side of the fence she wuz--so that it seemed
to happen all for the best.
Why, I took her as a dispensation from the first, and drawed all sorts
of morels from her, and sights of 'em--sights.
But oh, it wuz tuff on me, fearful tuff.
And when she calculated and laid out to make out her visit and go, wuz
more than we could tell.
CHAPTER VIII.
For two weeks had passed away like a nite mair of the nite--and three
weeks, and four weeks--and she didn't seem to be no nigher goin' than
she did when she came.
And I would not make a move towards gettin' rid of her, not if I had
dropped down in my tracts, because she wuz one of the relatives on his
side.
But I wuz completely fagged out; it did seem, as I told Tirzah Ann one
day in confidence, “that I never knew the meanin' of the word 'fag'
before.”
And Tirzah Ann told me (she couldn't bear her) that if she wuz in my
place, she would start her off. Sez she:
“She has plenty of brothers and sisters, and a home of her own, and why
should she come here to torment you and father;” and sez she, “I'll talk
to her, mother, I'd jest as leve as not.” Sez I, “Tirzah Ann, if you
say a word to her, I'll--I'll never put confidence in you agin;” sez I,
“Life is full of tribulations, and we must expect to bear our crosses;”
sez I, “The old martyrs went through more than Lodema.”
Sez Tirzah Ann, “I believe Lodema would have wore out John Rogers.”
And I don't know but she would, but I didn't encourage her by ownin' it
up that she would; but I declare for't, I believe she would have been
more tegus than the nine children, and the one at the breast, any way.
Wall, as I said, it wuz durin' the fifth week that Josiah Allen turned
right round, and used her first rate.
And when she would talk before folks about how much filial affection she
had for him, and about his always havin' been jest like a parent to her,
and everything of the kind--he never talked back a mite, but looked
clever, and told me in confidence, “That he had turned over a new leaf,
and he wuz goin' to surprise her--give her a happy surprise.”
And he seemed, instead of lovin' to rile her up, as he had, to jest put
his hull mind on the idee of the joyful surprise.
Wall, I am always afraid (with reason) of Josiah Allen's enterprizes.
But do all I could, he wouldn't tell me one word about what he wuz goin'
to do, only he kep it up, kep a-sayin' that,
“It wuz somethin' I couldn't help approvin' of, and it wuz somethin'
that would happify me, and be a solid comfort to her, and a great gain
and honor.”
So (though I trembled some for the result) I had to let it go on, for
she wuz one of the relations on his own side, and I knew it wouldn't do
for me to interfere too much, and meddle.
Why, he did come right out one day and give hints to me to that effect.
Sez I, “Why do you go on and be so secret about it? Why don't you tell
your companion all about it, what you are a-goin' to do, and advise with
her?”
And he sez, “I guess I know what I am about. She is one of the relations
on my side, and I guess I have got a few rights left, and a little
spunk.”
“Yes,” sez I, sadly, “you have got the spunk.”
“Wall,” sez he, “I guess I can spunk up, and do somethin' for one of my
own relations, without any interference or any advice from any of the
Smith family, or anybody else.”
Sez I, “I don't want to stop your doin' all you can for Lodema, but why
not tell what you are a-goin' to do?”
“It will be time enough when the time comes,” sez he. “You will find it
out in the course of next week.”
Wall, it run along to the middle of the next week. And one day I had
jest sot down to tie off a comforter.
It wuz unbleached cheese cloth that I had bought and colored with tea
leaves. It wuz a sort of a light mice color, a pretty soft gray, and I
wuz goin' to tie it in with little balls of red zephyr woosted, and work
it in buttonhole stitch round the edge with the same.
It wuz fur our bed, Josiah's and mine, and it wuz goin' to be soft and
warm and very pretty, though I say it, that shouldn't.
[Illustration: “I HAD JEST SOT DOWN TO TIE OFF A COMFORTER.”]
It wuzn't quite so pretty as them that hain't colored. I had 'em for my
spare beds, cream color tied with pale blue and pink, that wuz perfectly
beautiful and very dressy; but I thought for everyday use a colored one
would be better.
Wall, I had brought it out and wuz jest a-goin' to put it onto the
frames (some new-fashioned ones I had borrowed from Tirzah Ann for the
occasion).
And Cousin Lodema had jest observed, “that the new-fashioned frames with
legs wuzn't good for nothin', and she didn't like the color of gray,
it looked too melancholy, and would be apt to depress our feelin's too
much, and would be tryin' to our complexions.”
And I told her “that I didn't spoze there would be a very great
congregation in our bedroom, as a general thing in the dead of night, to
see whether it wuz becomin' to Josiah and me or not. And, it bein' as
dark as Egypt, our complexions wouldn't make a very bad show any way.”
“Wall,” she said, “to tie it with red wuzn't at all appropriate, it wuz
too dressy a color for folks of our age, Josiah's and mine.” “Why,” sez
she, “even _I_, at _my_ age, would skurcely care to sleep under one so
gay. And she wouldn't have a cheese cloth comforter any way.” She sort
o' stopped to ketch breath, and Josiah sez:
“Oh, wall, Lodema, a cheese cloth comforter is better than none, and I
should think you would be jest the one to like any sort of a frame on
legs.”
But I wunk at him, a real severe and warnin' wink, and he stopped short
off, for all the world as if he had forgot bein' on his good behavior;
he stopped short off, and went right to behavin', and sez he to me:
“Don't put on your comforter to-day, Samantha, for Tirzah Ann and
Whitfield and the babe are a-comin' over here bimeby, and Maggie is
a-comin', and Thomas Jefferson.”
“Wall,” sez I, “that is a good reason why I should keep on with it; the
girls can help me if I don't get it off before they get here.”
And then he sez, “Miss Minkley is a-comin', too, and the Elder.”
“Why'ee,” sez I, “Josiah Allen, why didn't you tell me before, so I
could have baked up somethin' nice? What a man you are to keep things;
how long have you known it?”
“Oh, a week or so!”
“A week!” sez I; “Josiah Allen, where is your conscience? if you have
got a conscience.”
“In the same old place,” sez he, kinder hittin' himself in the pit of
his stomach.
“Wall, I should think as much,” sez I.
And Lodema sez, sez she: “A man that won't tell things is of all
creeters that walks the earth the most disagreeable. And I should think
the girls, Maggie and Tirzah Ann, would want to stay to home and clean
house such a day as this is. And I should think a Elder would want to
stay to home so's to be on hand in case of anybody happenin' to be
exercised in their minds, and wantin to talk to him on religious
subjects. And if I wuz a Elder's wife, I should stay to home with him;
I should think it wuz my duty and my privilege. And if I wuz a married
woman, I would have enough baked up in the house all the time, so's not
to be afraid of company.”
But I didn't answer back. I jest sot away my frames, and went out and
stirred up a cake; I had one kind by me, besides cookies and jell tarts.
But I felt real worked up to think I hadn't heard. Wall, I hadn't more'n
got that cake fairly into the oven when the children come, and Elder
Minkley and his wife. And I thought they looked queer, and I thought the
Elder begun to tell me somethin', and I thought I see Josiah wink at
him. But I wouldn't want to take my oath whether he wunk or not, but I
_thought_ he wunk.
I wuz jest a turnin' this over in my mind, and a carryin' away their
things, when I glanced out of the settin' room winder, and lo, and
behold! there wuz Abi Adsit a comin' up to the front door, and right
behind her wuz her Pa and Ma Adsit, and Deacon Henzy and his wife,
and Miss Henn and Metilda, and Lute Pitkins and his wife, and Miss
Petengill, and Deacon Sypher and Drusilly, and Submit Tewksbury--a hull
string of 'em as long as a procession.
Sez I, and I spoke it right out before I thought--sez I--
“Why'ee!” sez I. “For the land's sake!” sez I, “has there been a
funeral, or anything? And are these the mourners?” sez I. “Are they
stoppin' here to warm?”
For it wuz a cold day--and I repeated the words to myself mechanically
as it wuz, as I see 'em file up the path.
“They be mourners, hain't they?”
“No,” sez Josiah, who had come in and wuz a standin' by the side of me,
as I spoke out to myself unbeknown to me--sez he in a proud axent--
“No, they hain't mourners, they are Happyfiers; they are Highlariers;
they have come to our party. We are givin' a party, Samantha. We are
havin' a diamond weddin' here for Lodema.”
“A diamond weddin'!” I repeated mechanically.
“Yes, this is my happy surprise for Lodema.”
I looked at Lodema Trumble. She looked strange. She had sunk back in her
chair. I thought she wuz a-goin' to faint, and she told somebody the
next day, “that she did almost lose her conscientiousness.”
“Why,” sez I, “she hain't married.”
[Illustration: “WE ARE GIVIN' A PARTY, SAMANTHA.”]
“Wall, she ort to be, if she hain't,” sez he. “I say it is high time for
her to have some sort of a weddin'. Everybody is a havin' 'em--tin, and
silver and wooden, and basswood, and glass, and etc.--and I thought it
wuz a perfect shame that Lodema shouldn't have none of no kind--and I
thought I'd lay to, and surprise her with one. Every other man seemed
to be a-holdin' off, not willin' seemin'ly that she should have one, and
I jest thought I would happify her with one.”
“Wall, why didn't you make her a silver one, or a tin?” sez I.
“Or a paper one!” screamed Lodema, who had riz up out of her almost
faintin' condition. “That would have been much more appropriate,” sez
she.
“Wall, I thought a diamond one would be more profitable to her. For I
asked 'em all to bring diamonds, if they brought anything. And then I
thought it would be more suitable to her age.”
“Why!” she screamed out. “They have to be married seventy-five years
before they can have one.”
“Yes,” sez he dreemily, “I thought that would be about the right
figure.”
Lodema wuz too mad to find fault or complain or anything. She jest
marched up-stairs and didn't come down agin that night. And the young
folks had a splendid good time, and the old ones, too.
Tirzah Ann and Maggie had brought some refreshments with 'em, and so had
some of the other wimmen, and, with what I had, there wuz enough, and
more than enough, to refresh ourselves with.
Wall, the very next mornin' Lodema marched down like a grenideer, and
ordered Josiah to take her to the train. And she eat breakfast with her
things on, and went away immegiately after, and hain't been back here
sense.
And I wuz truly glad to see her go, but wuz sorry she went in such a
way, and I tell Josiah he wuz to blame,
But he acts as innocent as you pleese. And he goes all over the
arguments agin every time I take him to do about it. He sez “she wuz old
enough to have a weddin' of some kind.”
And of course I can't dispute that, when he faces me right down, and
sez:
“Hain't she old enough?”
And I'll say, kinder short--
“Why, I spoze so!”
“Wall,” sez he, “wouldn't it have been profitable to her if they had
brought diamonds? Wouldn't it have been both surprisin' and profitable?”
And sez he, “I told 'em expressly to bring diamonds if they had more
than they wanted. I charged old Bobbet and Lute Pitkins specially on the
subject. I didn't want 'em to scrimp themselves; but,” sez I, “if you
have got more diamonds than you want, Lute, bring over a few to Lodema.”
[Illustration: “IF YOU HAVE GOT MORE DIAMONDS THAN YOU WANT.”]
“Yes,” sez I, coldly, “he wuz dretful likely to have diamonds more then
he wanted, workin' out by day's work to support his family. You know
there wuzn't a soul you invited that owned a diamond.”
“How did I know what they owned? I never have prowled round into their
bureau draws and things, tryin' to find out what they had; they might
have had quarts of 'em, and I not know it.”
Sez I, “You did it to make fun of Lodema and get rid of her. And it only
makes it worse to try to smooth it over.” Sez I, “I'd be honorable about
it if I wuz in your place, and own up.”
“Own up? What have I got to own up? I shall always say if my orders wuz
carried out, it would have been a profitable affair for Lodema, and it
would--profitable and surprisin'.”
And that is all I can get him to say about it, from that day to this.
CHAPTER IX.
But truly the labors that descended onto my shoulders immegiately after
Lodema's departure wuz hard enough to fill up my hull mind, and tax
every one of my energies.
Yes, my labors and the labors of the other female Jonesvillians wuz deep
and arjuous in the extreme (of which more and anon bimeby).
I had been the female appinted in a private and becomin' female way, to
go to Loontown to see the meetin' house there that we heard they had
fixed over in a cheap but commojous way. And for reasons (of which more
and anon) we wanted to inquire into the expense, the looks on't, etc.,
etc.
So I persuaded Josiah Allen to take me over to Loontown on this pressin'
business, and he gin his consent to go on the condition that we should
stop for a visit to Cephas Bodley'ses. Josiah sets store by 'em. You
see they are relations of ourn and have been for some time, entirely
unbeknown to us, and they'd come more'n a year ago a huntin' of us up.
They said they “thought relations ought to be hunted up and hanged
together.” They said “the idea of huntin' us up had come to 'em after
readin' my books.” They told me so, and I said, “Wall!” I didn't add nor
diminish to that one “wall,” for I didn't want to act too backward, nor
too forward. I jest kep' kinder neutral, and said, “Wall!”
You see Cephas'ses father's sister-in-law wuz stepmother to my aunt's
second cousin on my father's side. And Cephas said that “he had felt
more and more, as years went by, that it wuz a burnin' shame for
relations to not know and love each other.” He said “he felt that he
loved Josiah and me dearly.”
I didn't say right out whether it wuz reciprokated or not I kinder said,
“Wall!” agin.
And I told Josiah, in perfect confidence and the wood-house chamber,
“that I had seen nearer relations than Mr. Bodley'ses folks wuz to us,”
[Illustration: “CEPHAS SAID IT WUZ A BURNIN' SHAME FOR RELATIONS TO
NOT KNOW AND LOVE EACH OTHER.”]
Howsumever, I done well by 'em. Josiah killed a fat turkey, and I baked
it, and done other things for their comfort, and we had quite a good
time. Cephas wuz ruther flowery and enthusiastick, and his mouth and
voice wuz ruther large, but he meant well, I should judge, and we had
quite a good time.
She wuz very freckled, and a second-day Baptist by perswasion, and wuz
piecin' up a crazy bedquilt. She went a-visitin' a good deal, and got
pieces of the women's dresses where she visited for blocks. So it wuz
quite a savin' bedquilt, and very good-lookin', considerin'.
But to resoom and continue on. Cephas'ses folks made us promise on our
two sacred honors, Josiah's honor and mine, that we would pay back the
visit, for, as Cephas said, “for relatives to live so clost to each
other, and not to visit back and forth, wuz a burnin' shame and a
disgrace.” And Josiah promised that we would go right away after
sugerin'.
We wouldn't promise on the New Testament, as Cephas wanted us to (he is
dretful enthusiastick); but we gin good plain promises that we would go,
and laid out to keep our two words.
Wall, we got there onexpected, as they had come onto us. And we found
'em plunged into trouble. Their only child, a girl, who had married a
young lawyer of Loontown, had jest lost her husband with the typus, and
they wuz a-makin' preparations for the funeral when we got there. She
and her husband had come on a visit, and he wuz took down bed-sick there
and died.
I told 'em I felt like death to think I had descended down onto 'em at
such a time.
But Cephas said he wuz jest dispatchin' a messenger for us when we
arrove, for, he said, “in a time of trouble, then wuz the time, if ever,
that a man wanted his near relations clost to him.”
And he said “we had took a load offen him by appearin' jest as we
did, for there would have been some delay in gettin' us there, if the
messenger had been dispatched.”
He said “that mornin' he had felt so bad that he wanted to die--it
seemed as if there wuzn't nothin' left for him to live for; but now he
felt that he had sunthin' to live for, now his relatives wuz gathered
round him.”
Josiah shed tears to hear Cephas go on. I myself didn't weep none, but I
wuz glad if we could be any comfort to 'em, and told 'em so.
And I told Sally Ann, that wuz Cephas'ses wife, that I would do anything
I could to help 'em. And she said everything wuz a-bein' done that
wuz necessary. She didn't know of but one thing that wuz likely to be
overlooked and neglected, and that wuz the crazy bedquilt. She said
“she would love to have that finished to throw over a lounge in the
settin'-room, that wuz frayed out on the edges, and if I felt like it,
it _would_ be a great relief to her to have me take it right offen her
hands and finish it.”
So I took out my thimble and needle (I always carry such necessaries
with me, in a huzzy made expressly for that purpose), and I sot down and
went to piecin' up. There wuz seventeen blocks to piece up, each one
crazy as a loon to look at, and it wuz all to set together.
She had the pieces, for she had been off on a visitin' tower the week
before, and collected of 'em.
So I sot in quiet and the big chair in the settin'-room, and pieced up,
and see the preparations goin' on round us.
I found that Cephas'ses folks lived in a house big and showy-lookin',
but not so solid and firm as I had seen.
It wuz one of the houses, outside and inside, where more pains had been
took with the porticos and ornaments than with the underpinnin'.
It had a showy and kind of a shaky look. And I found that that extended
to Cephas'ses business arrangements. Amongst the other ornaments of his
buildin's wuz mortgages, quite a lot of'em, and of almost every variety.
He had gin his only child, S. Annie (she wuz named after her mother,
Sally Ann, but spelt it this way), he had gin S. Annie a showy
education, a showy weddin', and a showy settin'-out. But she had
had the good luck to marry a sensible man, though poor.
[Illustration: “So I SOT IN QUIET AND THE BIG CHAIR.”]
He took S. Annie and the brackets, the piano and hangin' lamps and
baskets and crystal bead lambrequins, her father had gin her, moved
'em all into a good, sensible, small house, and went to work to get a
practice and a livin'. He was a lawyer by perswasion.
Wall, he worked hard, day and night, for three little children come to
'em pretty fast, and S. Annie consumed a good deal in trimmin's and
cheap lace to ornament 'em; she wuz her father's own girl for ornament.
But he worked so hard, and had so many irons in the fire, and kep' 'em
all so hot, that he got a good livin' for 'em, and begun to lay up money
towards buyin' 'em a house--a home.
He talked a sight, so folks said that knew him well, about his consumin'
desire and aim to get his wife and children into a little home of their
own, into a safe little haven, where they could live if he wuz called
away. They say that that wuz on his mind day and night, and wuz what
nerved his hand so in the fray, and made him so successful. Wall, he had
laid up about nine hundred dollars towards a home, every dollar on
it earned by hard work and consecrated by this deathless hope and
affection. The house he had got his mind on only cost about a thousand
dollars. Loontown property is cheap.
Wall, he had laid up nine hundred, and wuz a-beginnin' to save on the
last hundred, for he wouldn't run in debt a cent any way, when he wuz
took voyalent sick there to Cephas'ses; he and S. Annie had come home
for a visit of a day or two, and he bein' so run down, and weak with his
hard day work and his night work, that he suckumbed to his sickness, and
passed away the day before I got there.
Wall, S. Annie wuz jest overcome with grief the day I got there, but the
day follerin' she begun to take some interest and help her father in
makin' preparations for the funeral.
The body wuz embalmed, accordin' to Cephas'ses and S. Annie's wish, and
the funeral wuz to be on the Sunday follerin', and on that Cephas and S.
Annie now bent their energies.
To begin with, S. Annie had a hull suit of clear crape made for herself,
with a veil that touched the ground; she also had three other suits
commenced, for more common wear, trimmed heavy with crape, one of which
she ordered for sure the next week, for she said, “she couldn't stir out
of the house in any other color but black.”
I knew jest how dear crape wuz, and I tackled her on the subject, and
sez I--
“Do you know, S. Annie, these dresses of your'n will cost a sight?”
“Cost?” sez she, a-bustin' out a-cryin'. “What do I care about cost? I
will do everything I can to respect his memory. I do it in remembrance
of him.”
Sez I, gently, “S. Annie, you wouldn't forget him if you wuz dressed in
white. And as for respect, such a life as his, from all I hear of it,
don't need crape to throw respect on it; it commands respect, and gets
it from everybody.”
“But,” sez Cephas, “it would look dretful odd to the neighbors if she
didn't dress in black.” Sez he in a skairful tone, and in his intense
way--
[Illustration: “WHAT IS LIFE WORTH WHEN FOLKS TALK?”]
“I would ruther resk my life than to have her fail in duty in this way;
it would make talk. And.” sez he, “what is life worth when folks talk?”
I turned around the crazed block and tackled it in a new place (more
luny than ever it seemed to me), and sez I, mekanickly--
“It is pretty hard work to keep folks from talkin'; to keep 'em from
sayin' somethin'.”
But I see from their looks it wouldn't do to say anything more, so I had
to set still and see it go on.
At that time of year flowers wuz dretful high, but S. Annie and Cephas
had made up their minds that they must have several flower-pieces from
the city nighest to Loontown.
One wuz a-goin' to be a gate ajar, and one wuz to be a gate wide open,
and one wuz to be a big book. Cephas asked what book I thought would be
preferable to represent. And I mentioned the Bible.
But Cephas sez, “No, he didn't think he would have a Bible; he didn't
think it would be appropriate, seein' the deceased wuz a lawyer.” He
said “he hadn't quite made up his mind what book to have. But anyway it
wuz to be in flowers--beautiful flowers.” Another piece wuz to be his
name in white flowers on a purple background of pansies. His name wuz
Wellington Napoleon Bonaparte Hardiman. And I sez to Cephas--“To save
expense, you will probable have the moneygram W.N.B.H.?”
“Oh, no,” sez he.
Sez I, “hen the initials of his given names, and the last name in
full.”
“Oh, no,” he said; “it wuz S. Annie's wish, and hisen, that the hull
name should be put on. They thought it would show more respect.”
I sez, “Where Wellington is now, that hain't a goin' to make any
difference, and,” sez I, “Cephas, flowers are dretful high this time of
year, and it is a long name.”
But Cephas said agin that he didn't care for expense, so long as respect
wuz done to the memory of the deceased. He said that he and S. Annie
both felt that it wuz their wish to have the funeral go ahead of any
other that had ever took place in Loontown or Jonesville. He said that
S. Annie felt that it wuz all that wuz left her now in life, the memory
of such a funeral as he deserved.
Sez I, “There is his children left for her to live for,” sez I--“three
little bits of his own life, for her to nourish, and cherish, and look
out for.”
“Yes,” sez Cephas, “and she will do that nobly, and I will help her.
They are all goin' to the funeral, too, in deep-black dresses.” He said
“they wuz too little to realize it now, but in later and maturer years
it would be a comfort to 'em to know they had took part in such a
funeral as that wuz goin' to be, and wuz dressed in black.”
“Wall,” sez I (in a quiet, onassumin' way I would gin little hints of my
mind on the subject), “I am afraid that will be about all the comforts
of life the poor little children will ever have,” sez I. “It will be if
you buy many more flower-pieces and crape dresses.”
Cephas said “it wouldn't take much crape for the children's dresses,
they wuz so little, only the baby's; that would have to be long.”
Sez I, “The baby would look better in white, and it will take sights of
crape for a long baby dress.”
“Yes, but S. Annie can use it afterwards for veils. She is very
economical; she takes it from me. And she feels jest as I do, that the
baby must wear it in respect to her father's memory.”
Sez I, “The baby don't know crape from a clothes-pin.”
“No,” sez Cephas, “but in after years the thought of the respect she
showed will sustain her.”
“Wall,” sez I, “I guess she won't have much besides thoughts to live on,
if things go on in this way.”
I would give little hints in this way, but they wuzn't took. Things went
right on as if I hadn't spoke. And I couldn't contend, for truly, as a
bad little boy said once on a similar occasion, “it wuzn't my funeral,”
so I had to set and work on that insane bedquilt and see it go on. But
I sithed constant and frequent, and when I wuz all alone in the room I
indulged in a few low groans.
CHAPTER X.
We dressmakers wuz in the house, to stay all the time till the dresses
wuz done; and clerks would come around, anon, if not oftener, with
packages of mournin' goods, and mournin' jewelry, and mournin'
handkerchiefs, and mournin' stockings, and mournin' stockin'-supporters,
and mournin' safety-pins, and etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.
Every one of 'em, I knew, a-wrenchin' boards offen the sides of that
house that Wellington had worked so hard to get for his wife and little
ones.
Wall, the day of the funeral come. It wuz a wet, drizzly day, but Cephas
wuz up early, to see that everything wuz as he wanted it to be.
As fur as I wuz concerned, I had done my duty, for the crazy bedquilt
wuz done; and though brains might totter as they looked at it, I felt
that it wuzn't my fault. Sally Ann spread it out with complacency over
the lounge, and thanked me, with tears in her eyes, for my noble deed.
Along quite early in the mornin', before the show commenced, I went in
to see Wellington.
He lay there calm and peaceful, with a look on his face as if he had got
away at last from a atmosphere of show and sham, and had got into the
great Reality of life.
It wuz a good face, and the worryment and care that folks told me had
been on it for years had all faded away. But the look of determination,
and resolve, and bravery,--that wuz ploughed too deep in his face to be
smoothed out, even by the mighty hand that had lain on it. The resolved
look, the brave look with which he had met the warfare of life, toiled
for victory over want, toiled to place his dear and helpless ones in a
position of safety,--that look wuz on his face yet, as if the deathless
hope and endeavor had gone on into eternity with him.
And by the side of him, on a table, wuz the big high flower-pieces,
beginnin' already to wilt and decay.
Wall, it's bein' such an uncommon bad day, there wuzn't many to the
funeral. But we rode to the meetin'-house in Loontown in a state and
splendor that I never expect to again. Cephas had hired eleven mournin'
coaches, and the day bein' so bad, and so few a-turnin' out to the
funeral, that in order to occupy all the coaches--and Cephas thought it
would look better and more popular to have 'em all occupied--we divided
up, and Josiah went in one, alone, and lonesome as a dog, as he said
afterwards to me. And I sot up straight and oncomfortable in another one
on 'em, stark alone.
Cephas had one to himself, and his wife another one, and two old maids,
sisters of Cephas'ses who always made a point of attendin' funerals,
they each one of 'em had one. S. Annie and her children, of course, had
the first one, and then the minister had one, and one of the trustees in
the neighborhood had another; so we lengthened out into quite a crowd,
all a-follerin' the shiny hearse, and the casket all covered with showy
plated nails. I thought of it in jest that way, for Wellington, I knew,
the real Wellington, wuzn't there. No, he wuz fur away--as fur as the
Real is from the Unreal. Wall, we filed into the Loontown meetin'-house
in pretty good shape. The same meetin'-house I had been sent to
reconoiter. But Cephas hadn't no black handkerchief, and he looked
worried about it. He had shed tears a-tellin' me about it, what a
oversight it wuz, while I wuz a fixin' on his mournin' weed. He took it
into his head to have a deeper weed at the last minute, so I fixed it
on. He had the weed come up to the top of his hat and lap over. I never
see so tall a weed. But it suited Cephas; he said “he thought it showed
deep respect.”
“Wall,” sez I, “it is a deep weed, anyway--the deepest I ever see.” And
he said as I wuz a sewin' it on, he a-holdin' his hat for me, “that
Wellington deserved it; he deserved it all.”
But, as I say, he shed tears to think that his handkerchief wuzn't
black-bordered. He said “it wuz a fearful oversight; it would probably
make talk.”
“But,” I sez, “mebby it won't be noticed.”
[Illustration: “AS A PROCESSION WE WUZ MIDDLIN' LONG, BUT RUTHER
THIN.”]
“Yes, it will,” sez he. “It will be noticed.” And sez he, “I don't care
about myself, but I am afraid it will reflect onto Wellington. I am
afraid they will think it shows a lack of respect for him. For
Wellington's sake I feel cut down about it.”
And I sez, “I guess where Wellington is now, the color of a handkerchief
border hain't a-goin' to make much difference to him either way.”
And I don't spoze it wuz noticed much, for there wuzn't more'n ten or a
dozen folks there when we went in. We went in in Injin file mostly by
Cephas'ses request, so's to make more show. And as a procession we wuz
middlin' long, but ruther thin.
The sermon wuz not so very good as to quality, but abundant as to
quantity. It wuz, as nigh as I could calkerlate, about a hour and
three-quarters long. Josiah whispered to me along about the last that
“we had been there over seven hours, and his legs wuz paralyzed.”
And I whispered back that “seven hours would take us into the night, and
to stretch his feet out and pinch 'em,” which he did.
But it wuz long and tegus. My feet got to sleep twice, and I had hard
work to wake 'em up agin. The sermon meant to be about Wellington, I
s'pose; he did talk a sight about him, and then he kinder branched off
onto politics, and then the Inter-State bill; he kinder favored it, I
thought.
Wall, we all got drippin' wet a-goin' home, for Cephas insisted on our
gettin' out at the grave, for he had hired some uncommon high singers
(high every way, in price and in notes) to sing at the grave.
And so we disembarked in the drippin' rain, on the wet grass, and formed
a procession agin. And Cephas had a long exercise light there in the
rain. But the singin' wuz kinder jerky and curius, and they had got
their pay beforehand, so they hurried it through. And one man, the
tenor, who wuz dretful afraid of takin' cold, hurried through his part
and got through first, and started on a run for the carriage. The others
stood their grounds till the piece wuz finished, but they put on some
dretful curius quavers. I believe they had had chills; it sounded like
it.
Take it altogether, I don't believe anybody got much satisfaction out of
it, only Cephas. S. Annie sp'ilt her dress and bonnet entirely--they wuz
wilted all down; and she ordered another suit jest like it before
she slept. Wall, the next mornin' early two men come with plans for
monuments. Cephas had telegrafted to 'em to come with plans and bid for
the job of furnishin' the monument.
And after a good deal of talk on both sides, Cephas and S. Annie
selected one that wuz very high and p'inted.
The men stayed to dinner, and I said to Cephas out to one side--
“Cephas, that monument is a-goin' to cost a sight.”
“Wall,” sez he, “we can't raise too high a one. Wellington deserved it
all.”
Sez I, “Won't that and all these funeral expenses take about all the
money he left?”
“Oh, no!” sez he. “He had insured his life for a large amount, and it
all goes to his wife and children. He deserves a monument if a man ever
did.”
“But,” sez I, “don't you believe that Wellington would ruther have S.
Annie and the children settled down in a good little home with sumthin'
left to take care of 'em, than to have all this money spent in perfectly
useless things?”
“_Useless!_” sez Cephas, turnin' red. “Why,” sez he, “if you wuzn't a
near relation I should resent that speech bitterly.”
“Wall,” sez I, “what do all these flowers, and empty carriages, and
silver-plated nails, and crape, and so forth--what does it all amount
to?”
“Respect and honor to his memory,” sez Cephas, proudly.
Sez I, “Such a life as Wellington's had them; no body could take 'em
away nor deminish 'em. Such a brave, honest life is crowned with honor
and respect any way. It don't need no crape, nor flowers, nor monuments
to win 'em. And, at the same time,” sez I dreamily, “if a man is mean,
no amount of crape, or flower-pieces, or flowery sermons, or obituries,
is a-goin' to cover up that meanness. A life has to be lived out-doors
as it were; it can't be hid. A string of mournin' carriages, no matter
how long, hain't a-goin' to carry a dishonorable life into honor, and
no grave, no matter how low and humble it is, is a-goin' to cover up a
honorable life.
“Such a life as Wellington's don't need no monument to carry up the
story of his virtues into the heavens; it is known there already. And
them that mourn his loss don't need cold marble words to recall his
goodness and faithfulness. The heart where the shadow of his eternal
absence has fell don't need crape to make it darker.
“Wellington wouldn't be forgot if S. Annie wore pure white from day
today. No, nobody that knew Wellington, from all I have hearn of him,
needs crape to remind 'em that he wuz once here and now is gone.
“Howsomever, as fur as that is concerned, I always feel that mourners
must do as they are a mind to about crape, with fear and tremblin'--that
is, if they are well off, and _can_ do as they are a mind to; and the
same with monuments, flowers, empty coaches, etc. But in this case,
Cephas Bodley, I wouldn't be a doin' my duty if I didn't speak my mind.
When I look at these little helpless souls that are left in a cold world
with nothin' to stand between them and want but the small means their pa
worked so hard for and left for the express purpose of takin' care of
'em, it seems to me a foolish thing, and a cruel thing, to spend all
that money on what is entirely onnecessary.”
“Onnecessary!” sez Cephas, angrily. “Agin I say, Josiah Allen's wife,
that if it wuzn't for our close relationship I should turn on you. A
worm will turn,” sez he, “if it is too hardly trampled on.”
“I hain't trampled on you,” sez I, “nor hain't had no idea on't. I wuz
only statin' the solemn facts and truth of the matter. And you will see
it some time, Cephas Bodley, if you don't now.”
Sez Cephas, “The worm has turned, Josiah Allen's wife! Yes, I feel that
I have got to look now to more distant relations for comfort. Yes, the
worm has been stomped on too heavy.”
He looked cold, cold as a iceickle almost. And I see that jest the few
words I had spoke, jest the slight hints I had gin, hadn't been took as
they should have been took. So I said no more. For agin the remark of
that little bad boy came up in my mind and restrained me from sayin' any
more.
Truly, as the young male child observed, “it wuzn't my funeral.”
We went home almost immegiately afterwards, my heart nearly a-bleedin'
for the little children, poor little creeters, and Cephas actin' cold
and distant to the last And we hain't seen 'em sence. But news has come
from them, and come straight. Josiah heerd to Jonesville all about it.
And though it is hitchin' the democrat buggy on front of the mare--to
tell the end of the funeral here--yet I may as well tell it now and be
done with it.
The miller at Loontown wuz down to the Jonesville mill to get the loan
of some bags, and Josiah happened to be there to mill that day, and
heerd all about it.
Cephas had got the monument, and the ornaments on it cost fur more than
he expected. There wuz a wreath a-runnin' round it clear from the bottom
to the top, and verses a kinder runnin' up it at the same time. And it
cost fearful. Poetry a-runnin' up, they say, costs fur more than it duz
on a level.
Any way, the two thousand dollars that wuz insured on Wellington's life
wuzn't quite enough to pay for it. But the sale of his law library and
the best of the housen' stuff paid it. The nine hundred he left went,
every mite of it, to pay the funeral expenses and mournin' for the
family.
[Illustration: CARRIED TO THE COUNTY POOR HOUSE.]
And as bad luck always follers on in a procession, them mortgages of
Cephas'ses all run out sort o' together. His creditors sold him out,
and when his property wuz all disposed of it left him over fourteen
hundred dollars in debt.
The creditors acted perfectly greedy, so they say--took everything they
could; and one of the meanest ones took that insane bedquilt that I
finished. That _wuz_ mean. They say Sally Ann crumpled right down
when that wuz took. Some say that they got hold of that tall weed of
Cephas'ses, and some dispute it; some say that he wore it on the last
ride he took in Loontown.
But, howsomever, Cephas wuz took sick, Sally Ann wuzn't able to do
anything for their support, S. Annie wuz took down with the typhus, and
so it happened the very day the monument wuz brought to the Loontown
cemetery, Cephas Bodley's folks wuz carried to the county house, S.
Annie, the children and all.
And it happened dretful curius, but the town hired that very team that
drawed the monument there, to take the family back.
It wuz a good team.
The monument wuzn't set up, for they lacked money to pay for the
underpinnin'! (Wuz n't it curius, Cephas Bodley never would think of the
underpinnin' to anything?) But it lay there by the side of the road, a
great white shape.
And they say the children wuz skairt, and cried when they went by
it--cried and wept.
But I believe it wuz because they wuz cold and hungry that made 'em cry.
I don't believe it wuz the monument.
CHAPTER XI.
[Illustration:]
A few days follerin' on and ensuin' after this
eppisode, Submit Tewksburv wuz a takin' supper with me. She had come
home with me from the meetin' house where we had been to work all day.
I had urged her to stay, for she lived a mile further on the road, and
had got to walk home afoot.
And she hain't any too well off, Submit hain't--she has to work hard for
every mite of food she eats, and clothes she wears, and fuel and lights,
etc., etc.
So I keep her to dinners and suppers all I can, specially when we are
engaged in meetin' house work, for as poor as Submit is, she will insist
on doin' for the meetin' house jest as much as any other female woman in
Jonesville.
She is quite small boneded, and middlin' good lookin' for a women of her
years. She has got big dark eyes, very soft and mellow lookin' in
expression--and a look deep down into 'em, as if she had been waitin'
for something, for some time. Her hair is gettin' quite gray now, but
its original color was auburn, and she has got quite a lot of it--kinder
crinkly round her forward. Her complexion is pale. She is a very good
lookin' woman yet, might marry any day of the week now, I hain't no
doubt of it. She is a single woman, but is well thought on in
Jonesville, and the southern part of Zoar, where she has relatives on
her mother's side.
[Illustration: SUBMIT TEWKSBURY.]
She has had chances to my certain knowledge (widowers and such).
But if all the men in the world should come and stand in rows in front
of her gate with gilded crowns in their hands all ready to crown her,
and septers all ready for her to grasp holt of, and wield over the
world, she would refuse every one of 'em.
She has had a disappointment, Submit has. And she looked at the world so
long through tears, that the world got to lookin' sort o' dim like and
shadowy to her, and the whole men race looked to her fur off and misty,
as folks will when you look at 'em through a rain.
She couldn't marry one of them shadows of men, if she tried, and she
hain't never tried. No, her heart always has been, and is now, fur away,
a-travellin' through unknown regions, unknown, and yet more real to her
than Jonesville or Zoar, a-follerin' the one man in the world who is a
reality to her. Submit wuz engaged to a young Methodist minister by the
name of Samuel Danker. I remember him well. A good lookin' young fellow
at the time, with blue eyes and light hair, ruther long and curly, and
kinder wavin' back from his forward, and a deep spiritual look in his
eyes. In fact, his eyes looked right through the fashions and follys of
the civilized world, into the depths of ignorance, rivers of ruin and
despair, that wuz a-washin' over a human race, black jungles where naked
sin and natural depravities crouched hungry for victims.
Samuel Danker felt that he had got to go into heathen lands as a
missionary. He wuz engaged to Submit, and loved her dearly, and he urged
her to go too.
But Submit had a invalid father on her hands, a bed rid grandfather, and
three young brothers, too young to earn a thing, and they all on 'em
together hadn't a cent of money to their names. They had twenty-five
acres of middlin' poor land, and a old house.
Wall, Submit felt that she couldn't leave these helpless ones and go
to more foreign heathen lands. So, with a achin' heart, she let Samuel
Danker go from her, for he felt a call, loud, and she couldn't counsel
him to shet up his ears, or put cotton into 'em. Submit Tewksbury had
always loved and worked for the Methodist meetin' house (she jined it
on probation when she wuz thirteen). But although she always had been
extremely liberal in givin', and had made a practice of contributin'
every cent she could spare to the meetin' house, it wuz spozed that
Samuel Danker wuz the biggest offerin' she had ever give to it.
Fur it wuz known that he went to her the night before he sot sail, took
supper with her, and told her she should decide the matter for him,
whether he went or whether he staid.
It wuz spozed his love for Submit wuz so great that it made him waver
when the time come that he must leave her to her lot of toil and
sacrifice and loneliness.
But Submit loved the Methodist meetin' house to that extent, she leaned
so hard on the arm of Duty, that she nerved up her courage anew, refused
to accept the sacrifice of his renunciation, bid him go to his great
work, and quit himself like a man--told him she would always love him,
pray for him, be constant to him. And she felt that the Master they both
wanted to serve would some day bring him back to her.
So he sailed away to his heathens--and Submit stayed to home with her
five helpless males and her achin' heart. And if I had to tell which
made her the most trouble, I couldn't to save my life.
She knew the secret of her achin' heart, and the long dark nights she
kep awake with it. The neighbors couldn't understand that exactly, for
there hain't no language been discovered yet that will give voice to
the silent crys of a breakin' heart, a tender heart, a constant heart,
cryin' out acrost the grayness of dreary days acrost the blackness of
lonely nights.
But we could see her troubles with the peevish paralasys of age, with
the tremendus follys of undisciplined youth.
But Submit took care of the hull caboodle of 'em; worked out some by
days' works, to get more necessaries for 'em than the poor little
farm would bring in; nursed the sick on their sick-beds and on their
death-beds, till she see 'em into Heaven--or that is where we spoze
they went to, bein' deservin' old males both on 'em, her father and her
grandfather, and in full connectin with the Methodist Episcopel meetin'
house.
She took care of her young brothers, patient with 'em always, ready to
mend bad rents in their clothin' and their behavior--tryin' to prop up
their habits and their morals, givin' 'em all the schoolin' she could,
givin' 'em all a good trade, all but the youngest, him she kep with her
always till the Lord took him (scarlet fever), took him to learn the
mysterius trade of the immortals.
Submit had a hard fit of sickness after that. And when she got up agin,
there wuz round her pale forward a good many white hairs that wuz orburn
before the little boy went away from her.
Sense that, the other boys have married, and Submit has lived alone in
the old farm-house, lettin' the farm out on shares. It is all run
down; she don't get much from it; it don't yield much but trouble and
burdocks, but as little as she gets, she always will, as I say, do her
full share, and more than her share, for the meetin' house.
[Illustration: “HE TOOK SUPPER WITH HER FOR THE LAST TIME.”]
Some think it is on account of her inherient goodness, and some think
it is on account of Samuel Danker.
We all spose she hain't forgot Samuel. And they do say that every year
when the day comes round, that he took supper with her for the last
time, she puts a plate on for him--the very one he eat on last---a pink
edged chiny plate, with gilt sprigs, the last one left of her mother's
first set of chiny.
That is what they _say_, I hain't never seen the plate.
It is now about twenty years sense Samuel Danker went to heathen lands.
And as it wuz a man-eatin' tribe he went to preach to, and as he hain't
been heern of from that day to this, it is spozed that they eat him up
some years ago.
But it is thought that Submit hain't gin up hope yet. We spoze so, but
don't know, on account of her never sayin' anything on the subject. But
we judge from the plate.
Wall, as I say (and I have episoded fearfully, fearfully), Submit took
supper with me that night. And after Josiah had put out his horse (he
had been to Jonesville for the evenin' mail, and stopped for us at the
meetin' house on his way back), he took the _World_ out of his pocket,
and perused it for some time, and from that learned the great news that
wimmen wuz jest about to be held up agin, to see if her strength wuz
sufficient to set on the Conference.
And oh! how Josiah Allen went on about it to Submit and me, all the
while we wuz a eatin' supper--and for more'n a hour afterwuds.
CHAPTER XII.
Submit wuz very skairt to heern him go on (she felt more nervous on
account of an extra hard day's work), and I myself wuz beat out, but I
wuzn't afraid at all of him, though he did go on elegant, and dretful
empressive and even skairful.
He stood up on the same old ground that men have always stood up on,
the ground of man's great strength and capability, and wimmen's utter
weakness, helplessness, and incapacity. Josiah enlarged almost wildly on
the subject of how high, how inaccessibley lofty the Conference wuz, and
the utter impossibility of a weak, helpless, fragaile bein' like a women
ever gettin' up on it, much less settin' on it. And then, oh how vividly
he depictered it, how he and every other male Methodist in the land
loved wimmen too well, worshipped 'em too deeply to put such a wearin'
job onto 'em. Oh how Josiah Allen soared up in eloquence. Submit shed
tears, or, that is, I thought she did--I see her wipe her eyes any way.
Some think that about the time the Samuel Danker anniversary comes
round, she is more nervous and deprested. It wuz very near now, and
take that with her hard work that day, it accounts some for her extra
depression--though, without any doubt, it wuz Josiah's talk that started
the tears.
I couldn't bear to see Submit look so mournful and deprested, and so,
though I wuz that tired myself that I could hardly hold my head up, yet
I did take my bits in my teeth, as you may say, and asked him--
What the awful hard job wuz that he and other men wuz so anxus to ward
offen wimmen.
And he sez, “Why, a settin' on the Conference.”
And I sez, “I don't believe that is such a awful hard job to tackle.”
“Yes, indeed, it is,” sez Josiah in his most skairful axent, “yes, it
is.”
And he shook his head meenin'ly and impressively, and looked at me and
Submit in as mysterius and strange a way, es I have ever been looked at
in my life, and I have had dretful curius looks cast onto me, from first
to last. And he sez in them deep impressive axents of hisen,
“You jest try it once, and see--I have sot on it, and I know.”
Josiah wuz sent once as a delegate to the Methodist Conference, so I
spozed he did know.
But I sez, “Why you come home the second day when you sot as happy as a
king, and you told me how you had rested off durin' the two days, and
how you had visited round at Uncle Jenkins'es, and Cousin Henn's, and
you said that you never had had such a good time in your hull life, as
you did when you wuz a settin'. You looked as happy as a king, and acted
so.”
Josiah looked dumbfounded for most a quarter of a minute. For he knew my
words wuz as true es anything ever sot down in Matthew, Mark, or Luke,
or any of the other old patriarks. He knew it wuz Gospel truth, that
he had boasted of his good times a settin', and as I say for nearly a
quarter of a minute he showed plain signs of mortification.
But almost imegietly he recovered himself, and went on with the doggy
obstinacy of his sect: “Oh, wall! Men can tackle hard jobs, and get some
enjoyment out of it too, when it is in the line of duty. One thing that
boys em' up, and makes em' happy, is the thought that they are a keepin'
trouble and care offen wimmen. That is a sweet thought to men, and
always wuz. And there wuz great strains put onto our minds, us men that
sot, that wimmen couldn't be expected to grapple with, and hadn't ort to
try to. It wuz a great strain onto us.”
“What was the nater of the strain?” sez I. “I didn't know as you did a
thing only sot still there and go to sleep. _You_ wuz fast asleep there
most the hull of the time, for it come straight to me from them that
know. And all that Deacon Bobbet did who went with you wuz to hold up
his hand two or three times a votin'. I shouldn't think that wuz so
awful wearin'.”
And agin I sez, “What wuz the strain?”
But Josiah didn't answer, for that very minute he remembered a pressin'
engagement he had about borrowin' a plow. He said he had got to go up to
Joe Charnick's to get his plow. (I don't believe he wanted a plow that
time of night.) But he hurried away from the spot. And soon after Submit
went home lookin' more deprested and down-casted than ever.
And Josiah Allen didn't get home till _late_ at night. I dare persume to
say it wuz as late as a quarter to nine when that man got back to the
bosom of his family.
And I sot there all alone, and a-meditatin' on things, and a-wonderin'
what under the sun he wuz a-traipsin up to Joe Charnick's for at that
time of night, and a-worryin' some for fear he wuz a-keepin' Miss
Charnick up, and a-spozin' in my mind what Miss Charnick would do, to
get along with the meetin' house, and the Conference question, if she
wuz a member. (She is a _very_ sensible woman, Jenette Charnick is,
_very_, and a great favorite with me, and others.)
And I got to thinkin' how prosperus and happy she is now, and how much
she had went through. And I declare the hull thing come back to me, all
the strange and curius circumstances connected with her courtship and
marriage, and I thought it all out agin, the hull story, from beginnin'
to end.
The way it begun wuz--and the way Josiah Allen and me come to have any
connectin with the story wuz as follers:
Some time ago, and previus, we had a widder come to stay with us a
spell, she that wuz Tamer Shelmadine, Miss Trueman Pool that now is.
Her husband died several years ago, and left her not over and above
well off. And so she goes round a-visitin', and has went ever sense his
death. And finds sights of faults with things wherever she is, sights of
it.
Trueman wuz Josiah's cousin, on his own side, and I always made a
practice of usin' her quite well. She used to live neighbor to me before
I wuz married, and she come and stayed nine weeks.
She is a tall spindlin' woman, a Second Adventist by perswasion, and
weighs about ninety-nine pounds.
Wall, as I say, she means middlin' well, and would be quite agreeable
if it wuzn't for a habit she has of thinkin' what she duz is a leetle
better than anybody else can do, and wantin' to tell a leetle better
story than anybody else can.
Now she thinks she looks better than I do. But Josiah sez she can't
begin with me for looks, and I don't spoze she can, though of course it
hain't to be expected that I would want it told of that I said so. No, I
wouldn't want it told of pro or con, especially con. But I know Josiah
Allen has always been called a pretty good judge of wimmen's looks.
[Illustration: “SHE IS A TALL SPINDLIN' WOMAN.”]
And now she thinks she can set hens better than I can--and make better
riz biscuit. She jest the same as told me so. Any way, the first time
I baked bread after she got here, she looked down on my loaves real
haughty, yet with a pityin' look, and sez:
“It is very good for yeast, but I always use milk emptin's.”
And she kinder tested her head, and sort o' swept out of the room, not
with a broom, no, she would scorn to sweep out a room with a broom or
help me in any way, but she sort o' swept it out with her mean. But I
didn't care, I knew my bread wuz good.
Now if anybody is sick, she will always tell of times when she has been
sicker. She boasts of layin' three nights and two days in a fit. But we
don't believe it, Josiah and me don't. That is, we don't believe she lay
there so long, a-runnin'.
We believe she come out of 'em occasionally.
But you couldn't get her to give off a hour or a minute of the time.
Three nights and two days she lay there a-runnin', so she sez, and she
has said it so long, that we spoze, Josiah and me do, that she believes
it herself now.
CHAPTER XIII.
Curius, hain't it? How folks will get to tellin' things, and finally
tell 'em so much, that finally they will get to believin' of 'em
themselves--boastin' of bein' rich, etc., or bad. Now I have seen folks
boast over that, act real haughty because they had been bad and got over
it. I've seen temperance lecturers and religious exhorters boast sights
and sights over how bad they had been. But they wuzn't tellin' the
truth, though they had told the same thing so much that probable they
had got to thinkin' so.
But in the case of one man in petickuler, I found out for myself, for I
didn't believe what he wuz a sayin' any of the time.
Why, he made out in evenin' meetin's, protracted and otherwise, that he
had been a awful villain. Why no pirate wuz ever wickeder than he made
himself out to be, in the old times before he turned round and become
pious.
[Illustration: “HIS FACE WUZ A GOOD MORAL FACE.”]
But I didn't believe it, for he had a good look to his face, all but the
high headed look he had, and sort o' vain.
But except this one look, his face wuz a good moral face, and I knew
that no man could cut up and act as he claimed that he had, without
carryin' some marks on the face of the cuttin' up, and also of the
actin'.
And so, as it happened, I went a visitin' (to Josiah's relations) to the
very place where he had claimed to do his deeds of wild badness, and I
found that he had always been a pattern man--never had done a single
mean act, so fur as wuz known.
Where wuz his boastin' then? As the Bible sez, why, it wuz all vain
talk. He had done it to get up a reputation. He had done it because he
wuz big feelin' and vain. And he had got so haughty over it, and had
told of it so much, that I spoze he believed in it himself.
Curius! hain't it? But I am a eppisodin', and to resoom. Trueman's wife
would talk jest so, jest so haughty and high headed, about the world
comin' to a end.
She'd dispute with everybody right up and down if they disagreed with
her--and specially about that religion of hern. How sot she wuz, how
extremely sot.
But then, it hain't in me, nor never wuz, to fight anybody for any
petickuler religion of theirn. There is sights and sights of different
religions round amongst different friends of mine, and most all on 'em
quite good ones.
That is, they are agreeable to the ones who believe in 'em, and not over
and above disagreeable to me.
Now it seems to me that in most all of these different doctrines and
beliefs, there is a grain of truth, and if folks would only kinder hold
onto that grain, and hold themselves stiddy while they held onto it,
they would be better off.
But most folks when they go to follerin' off a doctrine, they foller too
fur, they hain't megum enough.
Now, for instance, when you go to work and whip anybody, or hang 'em, or
burn 'em up for not believin' as you do, that is goin' too fur.
It has been done though, time and agin, in the world's history, and
mebby will be agin.
But it hain't reasonable. Now what good will doctrines o' any kind do to
anybody after they are burnt up or choked to death?
You see such things hain't bein' megum. Because I can't believe jest as
somebody else duz, it hain't for me to pitch at 'em and burn 'em up, or
even whip 'em.
No, indeed! And most probable if I should study faithfully out their
beliefs, I would find one grain, or mebby a grain and a half of real
truth in it.
[Illustration: “EF I FELL ON A STUN.”]
Now, for instance, take the doctrines of Christian Healin', or Mind
Cure. Now I can't exactly believe that if I fell down and hurt my head
on a stun--I cannot believe as I am a layin' there, that I hain't fell,
and there hain't no stun--and while I am a groanin' and a bathin' the
achin' bruise in anarky and wormwood, I can't believe that there hain't
no such thing as pain, nor never wuz.
No, I can't believe this with the present light I have got on the
subject.
But yet, I have seen them that this mind cure religion had fairly riz
right up, and made 'em nigher to heaven every way--so nigh to it that
seemin'ly a light out of some of its winders had lit up their faces with
its glowin' repose, its sweet rapture.
I've seen 'em, seen 'em as the Patent Medicine Maker observes so
frequently, “before and after takin'.”
Folks that wuz despondent and hopeless, and wretched actin', why, this
belief made 'em jest blossom right out into a state of hopefulness, and
calmness, and joy--refreshin' indeed to contemplate.
Wall now, the idee of whippin' anybody for believin' anything that
brings such a good change to 'em, and fills them and them round 'em with
so much peace and happiness.
Why, I wouldn't do it for a dollar bill. And as for hangin' 'em, and
brilin' 'em on gridirons, etc., why, that is entirely out of the
question, or ort to be.
And now, it don't seem to me that I ever could make a tree walk off, by
lookin' at it, and commandin' it to--or call some posys to fall down
into my lap, right through, the plasterin'--
Or send myself, or one of myselfs, off to Injy, while the other one of
me stayed to Jonesville.
Now, honestly speakin', it don't seem to me that I ever could learn to
do this, not at my age, any way, and most dead with rheumatiz a good
deal of the time.
I most know I couldn't.
But then agin I have seen believers in Theosiphy that could do wonders,
and seemed indeed to have got marvelous control over the forces of
Natur.
And now the idee of my whippin' 'em for it. Why you wouldn't ketch me at
it.
And Spiritualism now! I spoze, and I about know that there are lots
of folks that won't ever see into any other world than this, till the
breath leaves their body.
Yet i've seen them, pure sweet souls too, as I ever see, whose eyes
beheld blessed visions withheld from more material gaze.
Yes, i've neighbored with about all sorts of religius believers, and
never disputed that they had a right to their own religion.
And I've seen them too that didn't make a practice of goin' to any
meetin' houses much, who lived so near to God and his angels that they
felt the touch of angel hands on their forwards every day of their
lives, and you could see the glow of the Fairer Land in their rapt eyes.
They had outgrown the outward forms of religion that had helped them
at first, jest as children outgrow the primers and ABC books of their
childhood and advance into the higher learnin'.
I've seen them folks i've neighbored with 'em. Human faults they had,
or God would have taken them to His own land before now. Their
imperfections, I spoze sort o' anchored 'em here for a spell to a
imperfect world.
But you could see, if you got nigh enough to their souls to see anything
about 'em--you could see that the anchor chains wuz slight after all,
and when they wuz broke, oh how lightly and easily they would sail away,
away to the land that their rapt souls inhabited even now.
Yes, I've seen all sorts of religius believers and I wuzn't goin' to be
too hard on Tamer for her belief, though I couldn't believe as she did.
CHAPTER XIV.
He come to our house a visitin' along the first week in June, and the
last day in June wuz the day they had sot for the world to come to an
end. I, myself, didn't believe she knew positive about it, and Josiah
didn't either. And I sez to her, “The Bible sez that it hain't agoin'
to be revealed to angels even, or to the Son himself, but only to the
Father when that great day shall be.” And sez I to Trueman's wife, sez
I, “How should _you_ be expected to know it?”
Sez she, with that same collected together haughty look to her, “My name
wuzn't mentioned, I believe, amongst them that _wuzn't_ to know it!”
And of course I had to own up that it wuzn't. But good land! I didn't
believe she knew a thing more about it than I did, but I didn't dispute
with her much, because she wuz one of the relatives on his side--you
know you have to do different with 'em than you do with them on your own
side--you have to. And then agin, I felt that if it didn't come to an
end she would be convinced that she wuz in the wrong on't, and if she
did we should both of us be pretty apt to know it, so there wuzn't much
use in disputin' back and forth.
But she wuz firm as iron in her belief. And she had come up visitin' to
our home, so's to be nigh when Trueman riz. Trueman wuz buried in the
old Risley deestrict, not half a mile from us on a back road. And she
naterally wanted to be round at the time.
She said plain to me that Trueman never could seem to get along without
her. And though she didn't say it right out, she carried the idea (and
Josiah resented it because Trueman was a favorite cousin of his'n on
his own side.) She jest the same as said right out that Trueman, if she
wuzn't by him to tend to him, would be jest as apt to come up wrong end
up as any way.
Josiah didn't like it at all.
Wall, she had lived a widowed life for a number of years, and had said
right out, time and time agin, that she wouldn't marry agin. But Josiah
thought, and I kinder mistrusted myself, that she wuz kinder on the
lookout, and would marry agin if she got a chance--not fierce, you know,
or anything of that kind, but kinder quietly lookin' out and standin'
ready. That wuz when she first come; but before she went away she acted
fierce.
[Illustration: “BURIED IN THE OLD RISLEY DEESIRICT.”]
Wall, there wuz sights of Adventists up in the Risley deestrict, and
amongst the rest wuz an old bachelder, Joe Charnick.
And Joe Charnick wuz, I s'poze, of all Advents, the most Adventy. He
jest _knew_ the world wuz a comin' to a end that very day, the last day
of June, at four o'clock in the afternoon. And he got his robe all made
to go up in. It wuz made of a white book muslin, and Jenette Finster
made it. Cut it out by one of his mother's nightgowns--so she told me in
confidence, and of course I tell it jest the same; I want it kep.
She was afraid Joe wouldn't like it, if he knew she took the nightgown
for a guide, wantin' it, as he did, for a religious purpose.
But, good land! as I told her, religion or not, anybody couldn't cut
anything to look anyhow without sumpthin' fora guide, and she bein' an
old maiden felt a little delicate about measurin' him.
His mother wuz as big round as he wuz, her weight bein' 230 by the
steelyards, and she allowed 2 fingers and a half extra length--Joe is
tall. She gathered it in full round the neck, and the sleeves (at his
request) hung down like wings, a breadth for each wing wuz what she
allowed. Jenette owned up to me (though she wouldn't want it told of
for the world, for it had been sposed for years, that he and she had a
likin' for each other, and mebby would make a match some time, though
what they had been a-waitin' for for the last 10 years nobody knew). But
she allowed to me that when he got his robe on, he wuz the worst lookin'
human bein' that she ever laid eyes on, and sez she, for she likes a
joke, Jenette duz: “I should think if Joe looked in the glass after he
got it on, his religion would be a comfort to him; I should think he
would be glad the world _wuz_ comin' to a end.”
But he _didn't_ look at the glass, Jenette said he didn't; he wanted to
see if it wuz the right size round the neck. Joe hain't handsome, but
he is kinder good-lookin', and he is a good feller and got plenty to do
with, but bein' kinder big-featured, and tall, and hefty, he must
have looked like fury in the robe. But he is liked by everybody, and
everybody is glad to see him so prosperous and well off.
He has got 300 acres of good land, “be it more or less,” as the deed
reads; 30 head of cows, and 7 head of horses (and the hull bodies of
'em). And a big sugar bush, over 1100 trees, and a nice little sugar
house way up on a pretty side hill amongst the maple trees. A good, big,
handsome dwellin' house, a sort of cream color, with green blinds; big
barn, and carriage house, etc., etc., and everything in the very best of
order. He is a pattern farmer and a pattern son--yes, Joe couldn't be a
more pattern son if he acted every day from a pattern.
He treats his mother dretful pretty, from day to day. She thinks that
there hain't nobody like Joe; and it wuz s'pozed that Jenette thought so
too.
But Jenette is, and always wuz, runnin' over with common sense, and she
always made fun and laughed at Joe when he got to talkin' about his
religion, and about settin' a time for the world to come to a end. And
some thought that that wuz one reason why the match didn't go off, for
Joe likes her, everybody could see that, for he wuz jest such a great,
honest, open-hearted feller, that he never made any secret of it.
And Jenette liked Joe _I_ knew, though she fooled a good many on the
subject. But she wuz always a great case to confide in me, and though
she didn't say so right out, which wouldn't have been her way, for, as
the poet sez, she wuzn't one “to wear her heart on the sleeves of her
bask waist,” still, I knew as well es I wanted to, that she thought her
eyes of him. And old Miss Charnick jest about worshipped Jenette, would
have her with her, sewin' for her, and takin' care of her--she wuz sick
a good deal, Mother Charnick wuz. And she would have been tickled most
to death to have had Joe marry her and bring her right home there.
And Jenette wuz a smart little creeter, “smart as lightnin',” as Josiah
always said.
She had got along in years, Jenette had, without marryin', for she staid
to hum and took care of her old father and mother and Tom. The other
girls married off, and left her to hum, and she had chances, so it wuz
said, good ones, but she wouldn't leave her father and mother, who wuz
gettin' old, and kinder bed-rid, and needed her. Her father, specially,
said he couldn't live, and wouldn't try to, if Jenette left 'em, but he
said, the old gentleman did, that Jenette should be richly paid for her
goodness to 'em.
That wuzn't what made Jenette good, no, indeed; she did it out of the
pure tenderness and sweetness of her nature and lovin'heart. But I used
to love to hear the old gentleman talk that way, for he wuz well off,
and I felt that so far as money could pay for the hull devotion of a
life, why, Jenette would be looked out for, and have a good home, and
enough to do with. So she staid to hum, as I say, and took care of'em
night and day; sights of watching and wearisome care she had, poor
little creeter; but she took the best of care of 'em, and kep 'em kinder
comforted up, and clean, and brought up Tom, the youngest boy, by hand,
and thought her eyes on him.
And he wuz a smart chap--awful smart, as it proved in the end; for he
married when he wuz 21, and brought his wife (a disagreeable creeter)
home to the old homestead, and Jenette, before they had been there 2
weeks, wuz made to feel that her room wuz better than her company.
That wuz the year the old gentleman died; her mother had died 3 months
prior and beforehand.
Her brother, as I said, wur smart, and he and his wife got round the old
man in some way and sot him against Jenette, and got everything he had.
He wuz childish, the old man wuz; used to try to put his pantaloons on
over his head, and get his feet into his coat sleeves, etc., etc.
And he changed his will, that had gi'n Jenette half the property, a good
property, too, and gi'n it all to Tom, every mite of it, all but one
dollar, which Jenette never took by my advice.
For I wuz burnin' indignant at old Mr. Finster and at Tom. Curius, to
think such a girl as Jenette had been--such a patient, good creeter, and
such a good-tempered one, and everything--to think her pa should have
forgot all she had done, and suffered, and gi'n up for 'em, and give
the property all to that boy, who had never done anything only to spend
their money and make Jenette trouble.
But then, I s'poze it wuz old Mr. Finster's mind, or the lack on't, and
I had to stand it, likewise so did Jenette.
But I never sot a foot into Tom Finster's house, not a foot after that
day that Jenette left it. I wouldn't. But I took her right to my house,
and kep her for 9 weeks right along, and wuz glad to.
That wuz some 10 years prior and before this, and she had gone round
sewin' ever sense. And she wuz beloved by everybody, and had gone round
highly respected, and at seventy-five cents a day.
Her troubles, and everybody that knew her, knew how many she had of 'em,
but she kep 'em all to herself, and met the world and her neighbors with
a bright face.
If she took her skeletons out of the closet to air 'em, and I s'poze she
did, everybody duz; they have to at times, to see if their bones are in
good order, if for nothin' else. But if she ever did take 'em out and
dust 'em, she did it all by herself. The closet door wuz shet up and
locked when anybody wuz round. And you would think, by her bright,
laughin' face, that she never heard the word skeleton, or ever listened
to the rattle of a bone.
And she kep up such a happy, cheerful look on the outside, that I s'poze
it ended by her bein' cheerful and happy on the inside.
The stiddy, good-natured, happy spirit that she cultivated at first
by hard work, so I s'poze; but at last it got to be second nater,
the qualities kinder struck in and she _wuz_ happy, and she _wuz_
contented--that is, I s'poze so.
Though I, who knew Jenette better than anybody else, almost, knew how
tuff, how fearful tuff it must have come on her, to go round from home
to home--not bein' settled down at home anywhere. I knew jest what a
lovin' little home body she wuz. And how her sweet nater, like the sun,
would love to light up one bright lovin' home, and shine kinder stiddy
there, instead of glancin' and changin' about from one place to another,
like a meteor.
Some would have liked it; some like change and constant goin' about, and
movin' constantly through space--but I knew Jenette wuzn't made on the
meteor plan. I felt sorry for Jenette, down deep in my heart, I did; but
I didn't tell her so; no, she wouldn't have liked it; she kep a brave
face to the world. And as I said, her comin' wuz looked for weeks and
weeks ahead, in any home where she wuz engaged to sew by the day.
Everybody in the house used to feel the presence of a sunshiny, cheerful
spirit. One that wuz determined to turn her back onto troubles she
couldn't help and keep her face sot towards the Sun of Happiness. One
who felt good and pleasant towards everybody, wished everybody well.
One who could look upon other folks'es good fortune without a mite
of jealousy or spite. One who loved to hear her friends praised and
admired, loved to see 'em happy. And if they had a hundred times the
good things she had, why, she was glad for their sakes, that they had
'em, she loved to see 'em enjoy 'em, if she couldn't.
And she wuz dretful kinder cunnin' and cute, Jenette wuz. She would make
the oddest little speeches; keep everybody laughin' round her, when she
got to goin'.
[Illustration: “Dretful kinder cunnin' and cute, Jenette wuz.”]
Yes, she wuz liked dretful well, Jenette wuz. Her face has a kind of a
pert look on to it, her black eyes snap, a good-natured snap, though,
and her nose turns up jest enough to look kinder cunnin', and her hair
curls all over her head.
Smart round the house she is, and Mother Charnick likes that, for she is
a master good housekeeper. Smart to answer back and joke. Joe is slow of
speech, and his big blue eyes won't fairly get sot onto anything, before
Jenette has looked it all through, and turned it over, and examined it
on the other side, and got through with it.
Wall, she wuz to work to Mother Charnick's makin' her a black alpacka
dress, and four new calico ones, and coverin' a parasol.
A good many said that Miss Charnick got dresses a purpose for Jenette to
make, so's to keep her there. Jenette wouldn't stay there a minute only
when she wuz to work, and as they always kep a good, strong, hired girl,
she knew when she wuz needed, and when she wuzn't. But, of course, she
couldn't refuse to sew for her, and at what she wuz sot at, though she
must have known and felt that Miss Charnick wuz lavish in dresses. She
had 42 calico dresses, and everybody knew it, new ones, besides woosted.
But, anyway, there she was a sewin' when the word came that the world
was a comin' to a end on the 30th day of June, at 4 o'clock in the
afternoon.
Miss Charnick wuz a believer, but not to the extent that Joe was. For
Jenette asked her if she should stop sewin', not sposin' that she would
need the dresses, specially the four calico ones, and the parasol in
case of the world's endin'.
And she told Jenette, and Jenette told me, so's I know it is true, “that
she might go right on, and get the parasol cover, and the trimmins to
the dresses, cambrick, and linin' and things, and hooks and eyes.”
And Miss Charnick didn't prepare no robe. But Jenette mistrusted, though
Miss Charnick is close-mouthed, and didn't say nothin', but Jenette
mistrusted that she laid out, when she sees signs, to use a nightgown.
She had piles of the nicest ones, that Jenette had made for her from
time to time, over 28, all trimmed off nice enough for day dresses, so
Jenette said, trimmed with tape trimmin's, some of 'em, and belted down
in front.
Wall, they had lots of meetin's at the Risley school-house, as the time
drew near. And Miss Trueman Pool went to every one on 'em.
She had been too weak to go out to the well, or to the barn. She wanted
dretfully to see some new stanchils that Josiah had been a makin', jest
like some that Pool had had in his barn. She wanted to see 'em dretful,
but was too weak to walk. And I had had kind of a tussle in my own mind,
whether or not I should offer to let Josiah carry her out; but kinder
hesitated, thinkin' mebby she would get stronger.
But I hain't jealous, not a mite. It is known that I hain't all through
Jonesville and Loontown. No, I'd scorn it. I thought Pool's wife would
get better and she did.
One evenin' Joe Charnick came down to bring home Josiah's augur, and
the conversation turned onto Adventin'. And Miss Pool see that Joe wuz
congenial on that subject; he believed jest as she did, that the world
would come to an end the 30th. This was along the first part of the
month.
[Illustration: “Joe Charnick came down to bring home Josiah's augur.”]
He spoke of the good meetin's they wuz a-havin' to the Risley
school-house, and how he always attended to every one on 'em. And the
next mornin' Miss Trueman Pool gin out that she wuz a-goin' that
evenin'. It wuz a good half a mile away, and I reminded her that Josiah
had to be away with the team, for he wuz a-goin' to Loontown, heavy
loaded, and wouldn't get back till along in the evenin'.
But she said “that she felt that the walk would do her good.”
I then reminded her of the stanchils, but she said “stanchils and
religion wuz two separate things.” Which I couldn't deny, and didn't try
to. And she sot off for the school-house that evenin' a-walkin' a foot.
And the rest of her adventins and the adventins of Joe I will relate in
another epistol; and I will also tell whether the world come to an end
or not. I know folks will want to know, and I don't love to keep folks
in onxiety--it hain't my way.
CHAPTER XV.
Wall, from that night, Miss Trueman Pool attended to the meetins at the
Risley school-house, stiddy and constant. And before the week wuz out
Joe Charnick had walked home with her twice. And the next week he
carried her to Jonesville to get the cloth for her robe, jest like
his'n, white book muslin. And twice he had come to consult her on a
Bible passage, and twice she had walked up to his mother's to consult
with her on a passage in the Apockraphy. And once she went up to see if
her wings wuz es deep and full es his'n. She wanted 'em jest the same
size.
Miss Charnick couldn't bear her. Miss Charnick wuz a woman who had
enjoyed considerble poor health in her life, and she had now, and had
been havin' for years, some dretful bad spells in her stomach--a sort of
a tightness acrost her chest. And Trueman's wife argued with her that
her spells had been worse, and her chest had been tighter. And the
old lady didn't like that at all, of course. And the old lady took
thoroughwert for 'em, and Trueman's wife insisted on't that thoroughwert
wuz tightenin'.
And then there wuz some chickens in a basket out on the stoop, that the
old hen had deserted, and Miss Charnick wuz a bringin' 'em up by hand.
And Mother Chainick went out to feed 'em, and Trueman's wife tosted her
head and said, “she didn't approve of it--she thought a chicken ought to
be brung up by a hen.”
But Miss Charnick said, “Why, the hen deserted 'em; they would have
perished right there in the nest.”
But Trueman's wife wouldn't gin in, she stuck right to it, “that it wuz
a hen's business, and nobody else's.”
And of course she had some sense on her side, for of course it is a
hen's business, her duty and her prevelege to bring up her chickens. But
if she won't do it, why, then, somebody else has got to--they ought to
be brung. I say Mother Charnick wuz in the right on't. But Trueman's
wife had got so in the habit of findin' fault, and naggin' at me, and
the other relations on Trueman's side and hern, that she couldn't seem
to stop it when she knew it wuz for her interest to stop.
And then she ketched a sight of the alpacker dress Jenette wuz a-makin'
and she said “that basks had gone out.”
And Miss Charnick was over partial to 'em (most too partial, some
thought), and thought they wuz in the height of the fashion. But
Trueman's wife ground her right down on it.
“Basks _wuz out_, fer she knew it, she had all her new ones made
polenay.”
And hearin' 'em argue back and forth for more'n a quarter of an hour,
Jenette put in and sez (she thinks all the world of Mother Charnick),
“Wall, I s'pose you won't take much good of your polenays, if you have
got so little time to wear 'em.”
And then Trueman's wife (she wuz meen-dispositioned, anyway) said
somethin' about “hired girls keepin' their place.”
And then Mother Charnick flared right up and took Jenette's part. And
Joe's face got red; he couldn't bear to see Jenette put upon, if she wuz
makin' fun of his religeon. And Trueman's wife see that she had gone too
fur, and held herself in, and talked good to Jenette, and flattered up
Joe, and he went home with her and staid till ten o'clock.
They spent a good deal of their time a-huntin' up passages, to prove
their doctrine, in the Bible, and the Apockraphy, and Josephus, and
others.
It beat all how many Trueman's wife would find, and every one she found
Joe would seem to think the more on her. And so it run along, till folks
said they wuz engaged, and Josiah and me thought so, too.
And though Jenette wuzn't the one to say anything, she begun to look
kinder pale and mauger. And when I spoke of it to her, she laid it to
her liver. And I let her believe I thought so too. And I even went so
fur as to recommend tansey and camomile tea, with a little catnip mixed
in--I did it fur blinders. I knew it wuzn't her liver that ailed her. I
knew it wuz her heart. I knew it wuz her heart that wuz a-achin'.
Wall, we had our troubles, Josiah and me did. Trueman's wife wuz dretful
disagreeable, and would argue us down, every separate thing we tried to
do or say. And she seemed more high-headed and disagreeable than ever
sence Joe had begun to pay attention to her. Though what earthly good
his attention wuz a-goin' to do, wuz more than I could see, accordin' to
her belief.
But Josiah said, “he guessed Joe wouldn't have paid her any attention,
if he hadn't thought that the world wuz a-comin' to a end so soon. He
guessed he wouldn't want her round if it wuz a-goin' to stand.”
Sez I, “Josiah, you are a-judgin' Joe by yourself.” And he owned up that
he wuz.
Wall, the mornin' of the 30th, after Josiah and me had eat our
breakfast, I proceeded to mix up my bread. I had set the yeast
overnight, and I wuz a mouldin' it out into tins when Trueman's wife
come down-stairs with her robe over her arm. She wanted to iron it out
and press the seams.
I had baked one tin of my biscuit for breakfast, and I had kep 'em warm
for Trueman's wife, for she had been out late the night before to a
meetin' to Risley school-house, and didn't come down to breakfast. I
had also kep some good coffee warm for her, and some toast and steak.
She laid her robe down over a chair-back, and sot down to her breakfast,
but begun the first thing to find fault with me for bein' to work on
that day. She sez, “The idee, of the last day of the world, and you
a-bein' found makin' riz biscuit, yeast ones!” sez she.
“Wall,” sez I, “I don't know but I had jest as soon be found a-makin'
riz biscuit, a-takin' care of my own household, as the Lord hes
commanded me to, as to be found a-sailin' round in a book muslin Mother
Hubbard.”
“It hain't a Mother Hubbard!” sez she.
“Wall,” sez I, “I said it for oritory. But it is puckered up some like
them, and you know it.” Hers wuz made with a yoke.
And Josiah sot there a-fixin' his plantin' bag. He wuz a-goin' out that
mornin' to plant over some corn that the crows had pulled up. And she
bitterly reproved him. But he sez, “If the world don't come to a end,
the corn will be needed.”
“But it will,” she sez in a cold, haughty tone.
[Illustration: “WALL,” SEZ HE, “IF IT DOES, I MAY AS WELL BE DOIN'
THAT AS TO BE SETTIN' ROUND.”]
“Wall,” sez he, “if it does, I may as well be a-doin' that as to be
settin' round.” And he took his plantin' bag and went out. And then she
jawed me for upholdin' him.
And sez she, as she broke open a biscuit and spread it with butter
previous to eatin' it, sez she, “I should think _respect_, respect for
the great and fearful thought of meetin' the Lord, would scare you out
of the idea of goin' on with your work.”
Sez I calmly, “Does it scare you, Trueman's wife?”
“Wall, not exactly scare,” sez she, “but lift up, lift up far above
bread and other kitchen work.”
And again she buttered a large slice, and I sez calmly, “I don't s'poze
I should be any nearer the Lord than I am now. He sez He dwells inside
of our hearts, and I don't see how He could get any nearer to us than
that. And anyway, what I said to you I keep a-sayin', that I think He
would approve of my goin' on calm and stiddy, a-doin' my best for the
ones He put in my charge here below, my husband, my children, and my
grandchildren.” (I some expected Tirzah Ann and the babe home that day
to dinner.)
“Wall, you feel very diffrent from some wimmen that wuz to the
school-house last night, and act very diffrent. They are good Christian
females. It is a pity you wuzn't there. P'raps your hard heart would
have melted, and you would have had thoughts this mornin' that would
soar up above riz biscuit.”
And as she sez this she begun on her third biscuit, and poured out
another cup of coffee. And I, wantin' to use her well, sez, “What did
they do there?”
“Do!” sez she, “why, it wuz the most glorious meetin' we ever had. Three
wimmen lay at one time perfectly speechless with the power. And some of
em' screemed so you could hear 'em fer half a mile.”
I kep on a-mouldin' my bread out into biscuit (good shaped ones, too, if
I do say it), and sez calmly, “Wall, I never wuz much of a screemer. I
have always believed in layin' holt of the duty next to you, and doin'
_some_ things, things He has _commanded_. Everybody to their own way.
I don't condemn yourn, but I have always seemed to believe more in the
solid, practical parts of religion, than the ornimental. I have always
believed more in the power of honesty, truth, and justice, than in the
power they sometimes have at camp and other meetins. Howsumever,” sez I,
“I don't say but what that power is powerful, to the ones that have it,
only I wuz merely observin' that it never wuz _my_ way to lay speechless
or holler much--not that I consider hollerin' wrong, if you holler from
principle, but I never seemed to have a call to.”
“You would be far better if you did,” sez Trueman's wife, “far better.
But you hain't good enough.”
“Oh!” sez I, reasonably, “I could holler if I wanted to, but the Lord
hain't deef. He sez specilly, that He hain't, and so I never could see
the _use_ in hollerin' to Him. And I never could see the use of tellin'
Him in public so many things as some do. Why He _knows_ it. He _knows_
all these things. He don't need to have you try to enlighten Him as if
you wuz His gardeen--as I have heard folks do time and time agin. He
_knows_ what we are, what we need. I am glad, Trueman's wife,” sez I,
“that He can look right down into our hearts, that He is right there in
'em a-knowin' all about us, all our wants, our joys, our despairs, our
temptations, our resolves, our weakness, our blindness, our defects, our
regrets, our remorse, our deepest hopes, our inspiration, our triumphs,
our glorys. But when He _is_ right there, in the midst of our soul, our
life, why, _why_ should we kneel down in public and holler at Him?”
“You would be glad to if you wuz good enough,” sez she; “if you had
attained unto a state of perfection, you would feel like it.”
That kinder riled me up, and I sez, “Wall, I have lived in this house
with them that wuz perfect, and that is bad enough for me, without bein'
one of 'em myself. For more disagreeable creeters,” sez I, a prickin' my
biscuit with a fork, “more disagreeable creeters I never laid eyes on.”
Trueman's wife thinks she is perfect, she has told me so time and
agin--thinks she hain't done anything wrong in upwards of a number of
years.
But she didn't say nothin' to this, only begun agin about the wickedness
and immorality of my makin' riz biscuit that mornin', and the deep
disgrace of Josiah Allen keepin' on with his work.
But before I could speak up and take his part, for I _will_ not hear my
companion found fault with by any female but myself, she had gathered up
her robe, and swept upstairs with it, leavin' orders for a flatiron to
be sent up.
Wall, the believers wuz all a-goin' to meet at the Risley school-house
that afternoon. They wuz about 40 of 'em, men and wimmen. And I told
Josiah at noon, I believed I would go down to the school-house to the
meetin'. And he a-feelin', I mistrust, that if they should happen to be
in the right on't, and the world should come to a end, he wanted to be
by the side of his beloved pardner, he offered to go too. But he never
had no robe, no, nor never thought of havin'.
The Risley school-house stood in a clearin', and had tall stumps round
it in the door-yard. And we had heard that some of the believers wuz
goin' to get up on them stumps, so's to start off from there. And sure
enough, we found it wuz the calculation of some on 'em.
The school-boys had made steps up the sides of some of the biggest
stumps, and lots of times in political meetin's men had riz up on 'em to
talk to the masses below. Why I s'poze a crowd of as many as 45 or 48,
had assembled there at one time durin' the heat of the campain.
But them politicians had on their usual run of clothes, they didn't have
on white book muslin robes. Good land!
CHAPTER XVI.
Wall, lots of folks had assembled to the school-house when we got there,
about 3 o'clock P.M.--afternoon. Believers, and world's people, all
a-settin' round on seats and stumps, for the school-house wuz small and
warm, and it wuz pleasanter out-doors.
We had only been there a few minutes when Mother Charnick and Jenette
walked in. Joe had been there for sometime, and he and the Widder Pool
wuz a-settin' together readin' a him out of one book. Jenette looked
kinder mauger, and Trueman's wife looked haughtily at her, from over the
top of the him book.
Mother Charnick had a woosted work-bag on her arm. There might have been
a night gown in it, and there might not. It wuz big enough to hold one,
and it looked sort o' bulgy. But it wuz never known--Miss Charnick is a
smart woman. It never wuz known what she had in the bag.
Wall, the believers struck up a him, and sung it through--as mournful,
skairful sort of a him as I ever hearn in my hull life; and it swelled
out and riz up over the pine trees in a wailin', melancholy sort of a
way, and wierd--dretful wierd.
And then a sort of a lurid, wild-looking chap, a minister, got up and
preached the wildest and luridest discourse I ever hearn in my hull
days. It wuz enough to scare a snipe. The very strongest and toughest
men there turned pale, and wimmen cried and wept on every side of me,
and wept and cried.
I, myself, didn't weep. But I drawed nearer to my companion, and kinder
leaned up against him, and looked off on the calm blue heavens, the
serene landscape, and the shinin' blue lake fur away, and thought--jest
as true as I live and breathe, I thought that I didn't care much, if God
willed it to be so, that my Josiah and I should go side by side, that
very day and minute, out of the certainties of this life into the
mysteries of the other, out of the mysteries of this life into
the certainties of the other.
[Illustration: “A SORT OF A LURID, WILD-LOOKING CHAP.”]
For, thinks I to myself, we have got to go into that other world pretty
soon, Josiah and me have. And if we went in the usual way, we had got to
go alone, each on us. Terrible thought! We who had been together under
shine and shade, in joy and sorrow. Our two hands that had joined at the
alter, and had clung so clost together ever sence, had got to leggo of
each other down there in front of the dark gateway. Solemn gateway! So
big that the hull world must pass through it--and yet so small that the
hull world has got to go through it alone, one at a time.
My Josiah would have to stand outside and let me go down under the dark,
mysterious arches, alone--and he knows jest how I hate to go anywhere
alone, or else I would have to stop at the gate and bid him good-by. And
no matter how much we knocked at the gate, or how many tears we shed
onto it, we couldn't get through till our time come, we had _got_ to be
parted.
And now if we went on this clear June day through the crystal gateway of
the bendin' heavens--we two would be together for weal or for woe. And
on whatever new, strange landscape we would have to look on, or wander
through, he would be right by me. Whatever strange inhabitants the
celestial country held, he would face 'em with me. Close, close by my
side, he would go with me through that blue, lovely gateway of the soft
June skies into the City of the King. And it wuz a sweet thought to me.
Not that I really _wanted_ the world to come to a end that day. No,
I kinder wanted to live along for some time, for several reasons: My
pardner, the babe, the children, etc.; and then I kinder like to live
for the _sake_ of livin'. I enjoy it.
But I can say, and say with truth, and solemnity, that the idee didn't
scare me none. And as my companion looked down in my face as the time
approached, I could see the same thoughts that wuz writ in my eyes
a-shinin' in his'n.
Wall, as the pinter approached the hour, the excitement grew nearly, if
not quite rampant. The believers threw their white robes on over their
dresses and coats, and as the pinter slowly moved round from half-past
three to quarter to 4--and so on--they shouted, they sung, they prayed,
they shook each other's hands--they wuz fairly crazed with excitement
and fervor, which they called religion--for they wuz in earnest, nobody
could dispute that.
Joe and Miss Pool kinder hung together all this time--though I ketched
him givin' several wistful looks at Jenette, as much as to say, “Oh, how
I hate to leave you, Jenette!”
But Miss Pool would roust him up agin, and he would shout and sing with
the frienziedest and most zealousest of 'em.
Mother Charnick stood with her bag in her hand, and the other hand on
the puckerin' string. I don't say what she had in the bag, but I do say
this, that she had it fixed so's she could have ondone it in a secont's
time. And her eyes wuz intent on the heavens overhead. But they kep
calm and serene and cloudless, nothin' to be seen there--no sign, no
change--and Ma Charnick kep still and didn't draw the puckerin' string.
But oh, how excitement reined and grew rampant around that school-house!
Miss Pool and Joe seemin' to outdo all the rest (she always did try to),
till at last, jest as the pinter swung round to the very minute, Joe,
more than half by the side of himself, with the excitement he had been
in for a week, and bein' urged onto it by Miss Pool, as he sez to this
day, he jumped up onto the tall stump he had been a standin' by, and
stood there in his long white robe, lookin' like a spook, if anybody had
been calm enough to notice it, and he sung out in a clear voice--his
voice always did have a good honest ring to it:
Farewell my friends,
Farewell my foes;
Up to Heaven
Joe Charnick goes.
And jest as the clock struck, and they all shouted and screamed, he
waved his arms, with their two great white wings a-flutterin', and
sprung upwards, expectin' the hull world, livin' and dead, would foller
him--and go right up into the heavens.
And Trueman's wife bein' right by the stump, waved her wings and jumped
too--jest the same direction es he jumped. But she only stood on a camp
chair, and when she fell, she didn't crack no bones, it only jarred her
dretfully, and hurt her across the small of her back, to that extent
that I kep bread and milk poultices on day and night for three weeks,
and lobelia and catnip, half and half; she a-arguin' at me every single
poultice I put on that it wuzn't her way of makin' poultices, nor her
way of applyin' of 'em.
[Illustration: “FAREWELL MY FRIENDS, FAREWELL MY FOES.”]
I told her I didn't know of any other way of applyin' 'em to her back,
only to put 'em on it. But she insisted to the last that I didn't apply
'em right, and I didn't crumble the bread into the milk right, and the
lobelia wuzn't picked right, nor the catnip.
Not one word did she ever speak about the end of the world--not a
word--but a-naggin' about everything else.
Wall, I healed her after a time, and glad enough wuz I to see her
healed, and started off.
But Joe Charnick suffered worse and longer. He broke his limb in two
places and cracked his rib. The bones of his arm wuz a good while
a-healin', and before they wuz healed he was wounded in a new place.
He jest fell over head and ears in love with Jenette Finster. For bein'
shet up to home with his mother and her (his mother wouldn't hear to
Jenette leavin' her for a minute) he jest seemed to come to a full
realizin' sense of her sweet natur' and bright, obleegin' ways; and his
old affection for her bloomed out into the deepest and most idolatrous
love--Joe never could be megum.
Jenette, and good enough for him, held him off for quite a spell--but
when he got cold and relapsted, and they thought he wuz goin' to die,
then she owned up to him that she worshipped him--and always had.
And from that day he gained. Mother Charnick wuz tickled most to death
at the idea of havin' Jenette for her own girl--she thinks her eyes on
her, and so does Jenette of her. So it wuz agreeable as anything ever
wuz all around, if not agreeabler.
Jest as quick as she got well enough to walk, and before he got out of
his bed, Trueman's wife walked over to see Joe. And Joe's mother hatin'
her so, wouldn't let her step her foot into the house. And Joe wuz glad
on't, so they say.
Mother Charnick wuz out on the stoop in front of the house, when
Trueman's wife got there, and told her that they had to keep the house
still; that is, they say so, I don't know for certain, but they say that
Ma Charnick offered to take Trueman's wife out to see her chickens, the
ones she had brought up by hand, and Trueman's wife wantin' to please
her, so's to get in, consented. And Miss Charnick showed her the hull 14
of 'em, all fat and flourishing--they wuz well took care of. And Miss
Charnick looked down on 'em fondly, and sez:
“I lay out to have a good chicken pie the day that Joe and Jenette are
married.”
[Illustration: “I LAY OUT TO HAVE A GOOD CHICKEN PIE THE DAY THAT JOE
AND JENETTE ARE MARRIED.”]
“Married!” sez Trueman's wife, in faint and horrified axcents. “Yes,
they are goin' to be married jest as soon as my son gets well enough.
Jenette is fixin' a new dress for me to wear to the weddin'--with a
bask,” sez she with emphasis. And es she said it, they say she stooped
down and gathered some sprigs of thoroughwert, a-mentionin' how much
store she set by it for sickness.
But if she did, Trueman's wife didn't sense it, she wuz dumbfoundered
and sot back by the news. And she left my home and board the week before
the weddin'.
They had been married about a year, when Jenette wuz here
a-visitin'--and she asked me in confidence (and it _must_ be kep, it
stands lo reason it must), “if I s'posed that book muslin robe would
make two little dresses?”
And I told her, “Good land! yes, three on 'em,” and it did.
She dresses the child beautiful, and I don't know whether she would
want the neighbors to know jest what and when and where she gets the
materials--
It looks some like her and some like Joe--and they both think their eyes
on it--but old Miss Charnick worships it--Wall, though es I said (and I
have eppisoded to a extent that is almost onprecidented and onheard on).
Though Josiah Allen made a excuse of borrowin' a plow (a _plow_, that
time of night) to get away from my arguments on the Conference, and
Submit's kinder skairt face, and so forth, and so on--
He resumed the conversation the next mornin' with more energy than ever.
(He never said nuthin' about the plow, and I never see no sign on it,
and don't believe he got it, or wanted it.)
He resumed the subject, and kep on a-resumin' of it from day to day and
from hour to hour.
He would nearly exhaust the subject at home, and then he would tackle
the wimmen on it at the Methodist Meetin' House, while we Methodist
wimmen wuz to work.
After leavin' me to the meetin' house, Josiah would go on to the
post-office for his daily _World_, and then he would stop on his way
back to give us female wimmen the latest news from the Conference, and
give us his idees on't.
[Illustration: “HE NEVER HAD TIME TO HELP.”]
And sometimes he would fairly harrow us to the very bone, with his
dretful imaginins and fears that wimmen would be allowed to overdo
herself, and ruin her health, and strain her mind, by bein' permitted to
set!
Why Submit Tewksbury, and some of the other weaker sisters, would look
fairly wild-eyed for some time after he would go.
He never could stay long. Sometimes we would beset him to stay and do
some little job for us, to help us along with our work, such as liftin'
somethin' or movin' some bench, or the pulpit, or somethin'.
But he never had the time; he always had to hasten home to get to work.
He wuz in a great hurry with his spring's work, and full of care about
that buzz saw mill.
And that wuz how it wuz with every man in the meetin' house that wuz
able to work any. They wuz all in a hurry with their spring's work, and
their buzz saws, and their inventions, and their agencys, etc., etc.,
etc.
And that wuz the reason why we wimmen wuz havin' such a hard job on the
meetin' house.
CHAPTER XVII.
You see the way on't wuz: we had to do sumthin' to raise the minister's
salary, which wuz most half a year behindhand, to say nothin' of the
ensuin' year a-comin'. And as I have hinted at before but hain't gi'n
petickulers, the men in the meetin' house had all gi'n out, and said
they had gi'n every cent they could, and they couldn't and they wouldn't
do any more, any way.
As I have said more formally, there wuz a hardness arozen amongst the
male brethern.
Deacon Peedick thought he had gi'n more than his part in proportion, and
come right out plain and said so.
And Deacon Bobbet said “he wuzn't the man to stand it to be told right
to his face that he hadn't done his share,” and he said “he wuzn't the
man either, to be hinted at from the pulpit about things.” I don't
believe he wuz hinted at, and Sister Bobbet don't And she felt like
death to have him so riz up in his mind, and act so. I know what the
tex' wuz; it wuz these words:
“The Lord loveth a cheerful giver.”
The minister didn't mean nothin' only pure gospel, when he preached
about it. But it proved to be a tight-breasted, close-fittin' coat
to several of the male brothers, and it fitted 'em so well it fairly
pinched 'em.
But there it wuz, Deacon Bobbet wouldn't gi'n a cent towards raisin' the
money. And there wuz them that said, and stuck to it, that he said “he
wouldn't give a _darn_ cent.”
But I don't know as that is so. I wouldn't want to be the one that said
that he had demeaned himself to that extent.
Wall, he wouldn't give a cent, and Peedick wouldn't give, and Deacon
Henzy and Deacon Sypher wouldn't. They said that there wuz certain
members of the meetin' house that had said to certain people suthin'
slightin' about buzz saws.
I myself thought then, and think still, that the subject of buzz saws
had a great deal to do in makin' 'em act so riz up and excited. I
believe the subject rasped 'em, and made 'em nervous. But when these
various hardnesses aroze amongst some of the brethern, the rest of the
men kinder joined in with 'em, some on one side, and some on the other,
and they all baulked right out of the harness. (Allegory.) And there the
minister wuz, good old creeter, jest a-sufferin' for the necessities of
life, and most half a year's salery due.
I tell you it looked dark. The men all said they couldn't see no way out
of the trouble, and some of the wimmen felt about so. And old Miss Henn,
one of our most able sisters, she had gi'n out, she wuz as mad as her
own sirname about how her Metilda had been used.
The meetin' house had just hauled her up for levity. And I thought then,
and think now, that the meetin' house wuz too hard on Metilda Henn.
She did titter right out in protracted meetin', Sister Henn don't deny
it, and she felt dretful bad about it, and so did I. But Metilda said,
and stuck to it, that she couldn't have helped laughin' if it had been
to save her life. And though I realized the awfulness of it, still, when
some of the brethern wuz goin' on dretful about it, I sez to 'em:
“The Bible sez there is a time to laugh, and I don't know when that is,
unless it is when you can't help it.”
What she wuz a-laughin' at wuz this:
There wuz a widder woman by the name of Nancy Lum that always come to
evenin' meetin's.
She wuz very tall and humbly, and she had been on the look out (so it
wuz s'pozed) for a 3d husband for some time.
She had always made a practice of saying one thing over and over to all
the protracted and Conference meetin's, and she would always bust out
a-cryin' before she got it all out.
She always said “she wanted to be found always at the foot of the
Cross.”
She would always begin this remark dretful kinder loud and hysterical,
and then would dwindle down kinder low at the end on't, and bustin' out
into tears somewhere through it from first to last.
But this evenin' suthin' had occurred to make her more hysterical and
melted down than usial. Some say it wuz because Deacon Henshaw wuz
present for the first time after his wive's death.
But any way, she riz up lookin' awful tall and humbly--she was most a
head taller than any man there--and she sez out loud and strong:
“I want to be found--”
And then she busted right out a-cryin' hard. And she sobbed for some
time. And then she begun agin,
“I want to be found--”
And then she busted out agin.
And so it went on for some time--she a-tellin' out ever and anon loud
and firm, “that she wanted to be found--” and then bustin' into tears.
Till finally Deacon Henshaw (some mistrust that he is on the point of
gettin' after her, and he always leads the singin' any way) he struck
right out onto the him--
“Oh, that will be joyful!”
And Sister Lum sot down.
Wall, that wuz what made Metilda Henn titter. And that was what made me
bring forward that verse of scripter. That the Bible said “'there wuz a
time to laugh,' and I didn't know when it wuz unless it wuz when you
couldn't help it--”
But I didn't say it to uphold Metilda--no, indeed. I only said it
because they wuz so bitter on her, and laid the rules of the meetin'
house down on her so heavy.
But Josiah said, “What would become of the meetin' house if it didn't
punish its unruly members?”
And I sez to Josiah, “Do you remember the case of Deacon Widrig over in
Loontown. He wuz rich and influential, and when he wuz complained of,
and the meetin' house sot on him, they sot light, and you know it,
Josiah Allen. And he was kep in the church, the meen old creeter. And
Miss Henn is a widder and poor.”
“Yes,” sez Josiah, calmly, “she hain't been able to help the meetin'
house much, and Brother Widrig contributes largely.”
Sez I, in a fearful meanin' axent, “I hearn he did at the time he wuz
up--I hearn he contributed _lots_ to the male brethren who was a-judgin'
him--but,” sez I, “do you spoze, Josiah Allen, that if wimmen wuz
allowed their way in the matter, that that man would be allowed to stay
in the meetin' house, and keep on a-makin' and a-sellin' the poisen that
is sendin' men to ruin all round him--
“Makin' his hard cider by the barell and hogset and fixin' it some way
so it will make a far worse drunk than whiskey, and then supplyin' every
low saloon fur and near with it, and peddlin' it out to every man and
boy that wants it.
“And boys think they can drink cider without doin' any harm--so he jest
entices 'em down into the road to ruin--doin' as much agin harm as a
whiskey seller.
“And mothers have to set still and see it go on. It is men that are
always appinted to deal with sinners, male or female. Men are judged by
their peers, but wimmen never are.
“I wonder if that is just? I wonder how Deacon Widrig would have liked
it to have had Miss Henn set on him? He wuz dretful excited, so I hearn,
about Metilda's case--thought it wuz highly incumbient on the meetin'
house to have her made a example of, so's to try to abolish such wicked
doin's as snickerin' out in meetin'.
[Illustration: “SUPPLYIN' EVERY LOW SALOON FUR AND NEAR.”]
“I wonder how he would have liked it to have had Charley Lanfear's
mother set on him? She is a Sister in the meetin' house and Charley is
a ruined boy--and Deacon Widrig is jest as much the cause of his ruin--
jest as guilty of murderin' all that wuz sweet and lovely in him es if
he had fed arsenic to him with a teaspoon.”
Sez I, “In that very meetin' house to Loontown, there are mothers who
have to set and take the bread and wine tokens of the blood and body of
their crucified Redeemer from a man's hands that they know are red
with the blood of their own sons. Fur redder than human blood and
deeper-stained with the ruin of their immortal souls.
“What thoughts does these mothers keep on a-thinkin' as they set there
and see a man guilty of worse than murder set up as a example to other
young souls? What thoughts do they keep on a-thinkin' of the young
hearts that wuz pure before this man laid holt of 'em. Young eyes that
wuz true and tender till this man made 'em look on his accursed drink.
Young lips that smiled on their mothers till he gin 'em that that
changed the smiles to curses?
“Would a delegation of wimmen keep such a man in the meetin' house if he
paved the hull floor with fine gold? No, you know they wouldn't. Let a
jury of mothers set on such a man, and see if he could get up agin very
easy.
“They are the ones who have suffered by him, who have agonized, who went
down into deeper than the Valley of Death led by his hand. They went
down into that depth where they lose their boy. Lose him eternally.
“Death, jest death, would give 'em a chance to meet their child again.
But wha
Showing first 200,000 characters. Full text: gutenberg.org/ebooks/9450