Frost's Laws and By-Laws of American Society
by S. Annie Frost · English · Gutenberg #8467 · 386,823 chars · public domain (US)
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Title: Frost's Laws and By-Laws of American Society
Author: S. Annie Frost
Release date: July 1, 2005 [eBook #8467]
Most recently updated: December 26, 2020
Language: English
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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK FROST'S LAWS AND BY-LAWS OF AMERICAN SOCIETY ***
Produced by Holly Ingraham.
FROST'S LAWS AND BY-LAWS
OF AMERICAN SOCIETY
A CONDENSED BUT THOROUGH TREATISE ON
ETIQUETTE AND ITS USAGES IN AMERICA,
CONTAINING PLAIN AND RELIABLE DIRECTIONS FOR
DEPORTMENT IN EVERY SITUATION IN LIFE
ON THE FOLLOWING SUBJECTS:
Letters of Introduction,
Salutes and Salutations
Calls,
Conversation,
Invitations,
Dinner Company,
Balls,
Morning and Evening Parties,
Visiting,
Street Etiquette,
Riding and Driving,
Travelling,
Etiquette in Church,
Etiquette for Places of Amusement,
Servants,
Hotel Etiquette,
Etiquette at Weddings,
Baptisms and Funerals.
Etiquette with Children and at the Card Table,
Visiting Cards,
Lettter-Writing,
The Lady's Toilet,
The Gentleman's Toilet,
BESIDES ONE HUNDRED UNCLASSIFIED LAWS
APPLICABLE TO ALL OCCASIONS
By S. A. FROST,
AUTHOR OF "FROST'S LETTER-WRITER," ETC.
1869
PREFACE.
For a long time the little book which we now offer to the public
has been wanted in the library of the fashionable world; the
customs, the etiquette, the different obligations which society
imposes upon those who live in its midst, change frequently, and
although the general principles are the same, although politeness
and civility are of all epoques and times, nevertheless there are
few persons so entirely at home in all the forms that they do not
on some occasion feel hesitation as to the proper manner of
conducting themselves.
Indeed, besides the broader and more essential rules of
politeness, there are certain conventionalities adopted by good
society, which, sanctioned by custom and absolute obligation,
cannot, without some good reason, be neglected by the truly polite
gentleman or lady. Every day the question is raised whether such
and such a custom is adopted, received, and proper; there will
constantly arise a doubt about the details of some ceremony, the
proper hour for some entertainment, the true etiquette for some
occasion. At such a time, there is a regret felt that there is not
at hand, in one's own library, a safe guide, an experienced
counsellor, who will answer such questions, so trifling in
appearance, so important in reality.
A breach of etiquette, an involuntarily omission of some point of
politeness, may often have a serious influence upon the future of
the perpetrator. None of these little details are to be scorned
they have each and every one a value.
It is to meet the want already mentioned that this little volume
has been prepared. It makes no claim to originality; but its aim
is to be perfectly reliable. English, French, and American
authorities of weight have been consulted, and nothing admitted
that was not sanctioned by experience and the customs of the best
society.
Books, it is very true, have been already written upon this
subject; but they are for the most part filled with useless
details, and often do not contain what is of most importance. The
aim of the Editor of the present work has been to avoid both
extremes, to select only what was useful, reliable, and well
established, and to reject only what was valueless or mere
repetition.
The subjects treated are all classed that they may have easy
reference, and admit of consultation at a moment's notice.
The little book goes forth with one pretension only, one ambition
alone--to be useful.
CONTENTS.
Etiquette and Its Uses
Introductions
Letters of Introduction
Salutes and Salutations
Calls
Conversation
Invitations
Dinner Company
Balls
Morning and Evening Parties
Visiting
Street Etiquette
Riding and Driving
Travelling
Etiquette In Church
Etiquette For Places of Amusemfent
Servants
Hotel Etiquette
Wedding Etiquette
Etiquette For Baptisms
Etiquette For Funerals
Etiquette of the Studio
Table Etiquette
Etiquette With Children
Games With Cards
Visiting Cards
Letter Writing
The Lady's Toilet
The Gentleman's Toilet
Miscellaneous
---
THE
LAWS AND BY-LAWS
OF AMERICAN SOCIETY.
ETIQUETTE AND ITS USES.
THERE are a great many people, in other respects perfectly
estimable (which makes the complaint against them the more
grievous) who maintain that the laws of nature are the only laws
of binding force among the units which compose society. They do
not assert their doctrine in so many words, but practically they
avow it, and they are not slow to express their contempt for the
"ridiculous etiquette" which is declared by their opponents to be
essential to the well being of society. These people are probably
a law to themselves in such matters; they obey in their rules of
conduct those instincts of propriety and good manners which were
implanted in them at their birth, and cultivated probably by their
education, and therefore they have small need to study especially
how to conduct themselves in their intercourse with society. In
such cases, their opposition to a written code of manners is
rather an affair of theory than of practice, and it seems rather
absurd that they should so emphatically denounce the system which
they themselves, by example rather than precept, thoroughly carry
out. They would be probably as averse to committing any act of
rudeness, or any breach of politeness as the warmest admirer of
the primitive life of the Indian would be to living himself in a
dirty tent, and eating his food, half cooked, on a forked-stick
over a camp fire. For such people this little code of the "Laws
and By-Laws of American Society" is not written.
There are others who are equally fierce in their denunciations of
the ridiculous etiquette above mentioned, but who have not the
same natural excuse for being so. These are the rude, rough
natures, whom no amount of social rubbing, or intercourse with the
most refined would polish, though the professors of the art of
good breeding polished never so wisely. They act in their rules of
conduct on a principle wholly selfish, making their own ease and
comfort the first, if not indeed the sole aim, regardless entirely
of the amount of inconvenience or discomfort they may occasion to
others. They are obliged to cry down, for mere consistency's sake,
the system which condemns their own course of action, and which
gives certain laws for governing the conduct, and certain other
laws prohibiting many of the acts of rudeness which they find so
agreeable, but which others may reasonably object to as offensive.
Such persons, too, will of course freely express their opinion,
yet their denunciations will probably produce an exactly opposite
effect to the one they intend, their own conduct proving the
pernicious influence of their theory. Their abuse will be, not the
expression, half in badinage, of minds protesting by anticipation
against the abuse of forms and ceremonies; but the ignorant
invective of coarse-minded people against a principle that would
tame them, and mould them into a more agreeable presence. They
exclaim loudly against what they personally dislike, however
beneficial it may be either to themselves or others. For them this
little book of the "Laws and By-Laws of American Society" is not
written.
Besides the two classes already mentioned, there is another
exceedingly large class of society, which, far from being boorish
by nature, yet from circumstances lacks the cultivation which
alone will bring the conduct into such training as will fit it
practically for exhibition in society. To the persons comprising
this class, it is not only a source of regret, but of absolute
pain, to be ignorant of the rules which make society cohere, which
mark out the functions and duties of the various members which
comprise it, and which guard alike against annoyances from the
impertinent, and intrusions by the ill-bred, promoting by
organized methods the formation of desirable acquaintanceship and
pleasant friendships, which otherwise might never take place.
Isolation from society, the want of proper instruction, the ill
effect of bad example, the advice of the prejudiced, the
association with the low-bred, and a hundred other causes, may
conspire to prevent that intimacy with the cardinal rules of good
behavior, which decorum and good breeding have dictated for the
better guidance of the community. It is for such persons, and for
the many others who, though not unacquainted with the principles
which should guide them in their conduct, are yet often at fault
upon questions of detail, and sometimes commit errors, which are
the more excusable that absolute rules, deduced from precedent and
established by practice alone could set them right, that this code
of Modern Etiquette has been prepared. To them it is offered as
supplying a need which it is their misfortune, rather than their
fault, to experience, in the hope that it will be found to contain
a complete guide for them in the open paths and by-paths too of
good society.
Before beginning to lay down the rules and ordinances of
Etiquette, it will be well to say a few words upon Etiquette
itself.
Etiquette is, in point of fact, nothing more nor less than the
law, written and unwritten, which regulates the society of
civilized people, distinguishing them from the communities of
barbarous tribes, whose lives are hard and their manners still
harder. It is to a well disciplined and refined mind the
fundamental principle of action in all intercourse with society,
and they are interested in maintaining it in its integrity, and
bound to heed and obey its simplest as well as more formal
precepts. The real law-giver is the general convenience, speaking
with authority and the experience of many years; and it will be
found that even in those cases, where the meaning of its rules may
be somewhat obscure at first sight, there is an underlying reason
for the regulation laid down.
Etiquette, like every other human institution, is of course liable
to abuse; it may be transformed from a convenient and wholesome
means of producing universal comfort into an inconvenient and
burdensome restraint upon freedom and ease. It may become the
first consideration, instead of more properly the second, as is
often the case with the instrumental accompaniment to a song, and
then it becomes, as does the accompaniment, an intolerable
nuisance. The mere form, over-riding and hiding the spirit which
should control and guide it; an entirely artificial state of
things, taking the place of the natural, must inevitably produce
discomfort and extravagance of behavior. Nature is thus made the
slave of Art, instead of Art taking its proper place as the
handmaid to Nature.
Etiquette, to be perfect, therefore, must be like a perfectly
fitting garment, which, beautifying and adorning the person, must
yet never cramp or restrain perfect freedom of movement. Any
visible restraint will mar its grace, as a wrinkle will mar the
pure outline of the garment.
Most people have heard of the gentleman (?) who was perfect in his
knowledge of the laws of etiquette, and who, seeing a man
drowning, took off his coat and was about to plunge into the water
to rescue him, when he suddenly remembered that he had never been
introduced to the struggling victim, and resuming his coat,
tranquilly proceeded upon his way.
Not less absurd are a thousand instances where a regard for formal
mannerism takes the place of the easy grace that is the mark of
true politeness, which being well acquired and habitual, is never
obtrusive or offensively prominent. Too rigid an observance of the
laws of etiquette makes them an absurdity and a nuisance.
But, because the laws of etiquette may be made a restraint under
injudicious management, it does not follow that they should be
disregarded or in any way set aside. The abuse of them is no
argument against them, any more than gluttony is any reason for
starvation. It is not the food that is in fault, but the excess of
the person partaking of it. The fault must be laid wholly and
solely at the door of those who misunderstand the use and
intention of really sound and excellent precepts. The extravagance
of an overdisplay of etiquette is really only another form of
innate vulgarity, although there are instances which may be drawn
from the side of over refinement, from the history of people and
societies, who become extravagant in their devotion to what they
deem good breeding, simply because, like the stars that looked
down upon Molly Bawn, "they'd nothing else to do."
There are to be found, even in grave history--amid the records of
war, treaties, conquests, administrations and revolutions--
accounts given in equally grave language of deep questions of
etiquette which seem to have been debated and settled with as much
care and energy as the most serious questions of state affairs.
Cases of this sort are announced and well founded. Whoever likes
to see the extent to which attention was given to the subject can
seek instances in the memoirs of public characters who lived in
the seventeenth century, in the diaries of minute detailers like
the Duke de St. Simon, Page to His Most Christian Majesty, Louis
the Fourteenth; like Sir John Finett, Master of Ceremonies to
Charles the First, and in the domestic histories of the courtiers
and grandees of the Spanish and Venetian courts.
Fortunately, the time has gone by when nice questions about
trifling points of etiquette served to light the flame of civil
war, as once they did in France, and to set the whole of the upper
class in a kingdom in arms. We owe this, perhaps, as much to the
general increase of civilization as to the working of any
particular set of rules or system. But the principle which
actuated the French nobility, at the time alluded to, is an
inherent one in the human mind, and would be likely to repeat
itself in some shape or another, not so violently perhaps, but
still to repeat itself, were it not kept in check by the known
laws of society.
Mr. Buckle tells us that as late as the reign of Louis the
Fourteenth, the right to sit in the presence of the French king
"was considered to be a matter of such gravity that in comparison
with it a mere struggle for liberty faded into insignificance."
There was a perpetual striving which should be accounted greatest.
According to the old code of etiquette, a duke's wife might sit in
the French queen's presence, but no one under that rank could do
so. A combination of marquises, counts, and other nobles was
formed and wrung from the hand of Louis the Fourteenth, this
concession that the ladies of the house of Bouillon might sit in
the presence of the queen. But this was fuel to the fire of the
combined noblemen's anger; two hostile parties were formed, and
the question of etiquette was nearly being decided by the sword.
It required all the tact and statesmanship of Mazarin to prevent
this, and in the end the right was conceded to three of the most
distinguished ladies of the lower aristocracy, to sit down in the
presence of the queen. Upon this, the superior nobility summoned
their adherents to Paris, and really a severe struggle followed,
which ended in the last mentioned concession being revoked; and so
great was the importance attached to the revocation that nothing
would satisfy the nobles short of the public withdrawal being
drawn up in a state paper, signed by the queen's regent,
countersigned by the four secretaries of state, and conveyed to
the assembly of nobles by four marshals of France.
The French memoirs of this period (the seventeenth century) abound
with references to just such questions of court etiquette; who
might use an arm-chair at court; who was to be invited to the
royal dinner; who might be kissed by the queen; what degree of
nobility entitled a man to be driven to the Louvre in a coach;
whether all dukes were equal, or whether, as some thought, the
Duke de Bouillon, having once possessed the sovereignty of Sedan,
was superior to the Duke de la Rochefoucauld, who had never
possessed any sovereignty at all; who should give the king his
napkin at dinner, and who might have the honor of assisting at the
toilet of the queen. The question whether the Duke de Beaufort
ought or ought not to enter the council chamber before the Duke de
Nemours, and whether, being there, he ought or ought not to sit
above him, caused a violent quarrel between the two dukes in 1652,
a quarrel which, of course, ended in a duel, and the death of the
Duke de Nemours. The equally grave question, whether a duke should
sign before a marshal was violently disputed between the Duke de
Rohan and one of the marshals of Henry the Fourth, and the king
was obliged to interfere in the matter.
These, of course, are but so many instances of the principle of
etiquette carried to an extravagant length, and simply prove the
danger there is in allowing things of less importance to supersede
or take the precedence of those of greater weight. They serve to
explain, and in some measure to excuse the denunciatory
expressions which many thoroughly well-bred people use against
etiquette, such expressions being, as before suggested, merely
protests uttered in anticipation of a repetition of the absurdity
which over-attention to ceremonies is liable to introduce.
But such cases are really no argument against etiquette itself,
without deference to which it would be impossible to live in
anything like freedom from annoyance from persons naturally
impertinent, or in the full enjoyment of that social liberty which
every one has a right to expect.
Good breeding is, as Lord Chesterfield well says, "the result of
much good sense, some good nature, and a little self-denial for
the sake of others, and with a view to obtain the same indulgence
from them." Lord Bacon, in his admirable essay on Ceremonies,
says:
"Not to use ceremonies at all, is to teach others not to use them
again, and so diminisheth respect to himself; especially they be
not to be omitted to strangers and formal natures; but the
dwelling upon them, and exalting them above the moon is not only
tedious, but doth diminish the faith and credit of him that
speaks."
To quote again from Lord Chesterfield, who says:
"Good sense and good nature suggest civility in general; but in
good breeding there are a thousand little delicacies which are
established only by custom."
It is precisely these "little delicacies" which constitute the
difference between politeness and etiquette. Politeness is that
inborn regard for others which may dwell in the heart of the most
ignorant boor, but etiquette is a code of outward laws which must
be learned by the resident in good society, either from
observation or the instruction of others.
It is a poor argument used against etiquette that it is not
truthful, and that uncouth manners are more frank and sincere than
polished and refined ones. Is truth then a hedgehog, always 3
bristling and offensive. Cannot truth be spoken in courteous
accents from a kind, gentle impulse, as well as blurted out rudely
and giving pain and mortification? It is true that roughness and
sincerity often abide together, but would it destroy the honesty
to polish away the roughness?
Etiquette, it is sometimes urged, is used to cloak what is hollow,
unmeaning and false, yet may it not also drape gracefully what is
true, sincere and important?
True politeness must come from the heart, from an unselfish desire
to please others and contribute to their happiness; when upon this
natural impulse is placed the polish of a complete and thorough
knowledge of the laws of etiquette, the manners must be perfect
and graceful.
Etiquette added to natural politeness is as a beautiful jewel upon
a tasteful dress. Ruskin thus defines a gentleman:
"A gentleman's first character is that firmness of structure in
the body which renders it capable of the most delicate sensation,
_and of that structure in the mind which renders it capable of the
most delicate sympathies_--one may say simply fineness of nature.
This is, of course, compatible with heroic bodily strength and
mental firmness; in fact, heroic strength is not conceivable
without such delicacy. Elephantine strength may drive its way
through a forest, and feel no touch of the boughs, but the white
skin of Homer's Atrides would have felt a bent rose leaf, yet
subdue its feelings in glow of battle, and behave itself like
iron. I do not mean to call an elephant a vulgar animal; but if
you think about him carefully, you will find that his non-
vulgarity consists in such gentleness as is possible to
elephantine nature; not in his insensitive hide, nor in his clumsy
foot, but in the way he will lift his foot if a child lies in his
way; and in his sensitive trunk, and still more sensitive mind,
and capability of pique on points of honor....
"Hence it will follow, that one of the probable signs of high
breeding in men generally will be their kindness and mercifulness;
these always indicating more or less firmness of make in the
mind."
Undoubtedly the first law of good breeding is unselfishness, that
thorough forgetfulness of one's own wants and comforts, and
thoughtfulness for the happiness and ease of others, which is the
Christian gentleman's rule of life; which makes him yield the easy
chair to another older and weaker than himself, and sit upon a
narrow bench, or perhaps stand up; which selects for another the
choicest portions of the dishes upon the table, and uncomplainingly
dines off what is left; which hears with smiling interest the well-
worn anecdotes of the veteran story-teller; which gently lifts the
little child, who has fallen, and comforts the sobbing grief and
terror; which never forgets to endeavor to please others, and seems,
at least, pleased with all efforts made to entertain himself. Place
the code of politeness beside that of vulgarity and see if the one
does not contain all virtue, the other vice. Is not good temper
virtuous and polite, bad temper vicious and vulgar? Is not self
denial virtuous and polite, selfishness vicious and vulgar? Is not
truth virtuous and polite, scandal vicious and vulgar? Take every
principle in the conventional code of the perfectly well-bred, and
so define it, and not a virtue is rude.
True etiquette, as we have said before, is not politeness, yet it
is founded upon the same basis. An English author says:
"Etiquette may be defined as the minor morality of life. No
observances, however minute, that tend to spare the feelings of
others, can be classed under the head of trivialities; and
politeness, which is but another name for general amiability,
will oil the creaking wheels of life more effectually than any of
those unguents supplied by mere wealth or station."
To be truly polite, one must be at once good, just and generous,
has been well said by a modern French writer:
"True politeness is the outward visible sign of those inward
spiritual graces called modesty, unselfishness, generosity. The
manners of a gentleman are the index of his soul. His speech is
innocent, because his life is pure; his thoughts are direct,
because his actions are upright; his bearing is gentle, because
his blood, and his impulses, and his training are gentle also. A
true gentleman is entirely free from every kind of pretence. He
avoids homage, instead of exacting it. Mere ceremonies have no
attractions for him. He seeks not only to say civil things, but to
do them. His hospitality, though hearty and sincere, will be
strictly regulated by his means. His friends will he chosen for
their good qualities and good manners; his servants for their
thoughtfulness and honesty; his occupations for their usefulness,
or their gracefulness, or their elevating tendencies, whether
moral, or mental, or political. And so we come round again to our
first maxims, _i.e._, that 'good manners are the kindly fruit of a
refined nature.'
"And if this be true of mankind, how still more true is it of
womankind! Granted that truthfulness, gracefulness, considerateness,
unselfishness, are essential to the breeding of a true gentleman,
how infinitely essential must they be to the breeding of a true
lady! That her tact should be even readier, her sympathies even
tenderer, her instinct even finer than those of the man, seems only
fit and natural. In her politeness, prevcyance, and all the minor
observances of etiquette, are absolutely indispensable. She must be
even more upon her guard than a man in all those niceties of speech,
look and manner, which are the especial and indispensable
credentials of good breeding. Every little drawing-room ceremonial,
all the laws of society, the whole etiquette of hospitality must be
familiar to her. And even in these points, artificial though they
be, her best guide after all, is that kindness of heart which gives
honor where honor is due, and which is ever anxious to spare the
feelings and prejudices of others.
"Every mistress of a house, be it remembered, is a minor
sovereign, upon whose bounty the comfort, and happiness, and
refinement of her little court depends. She must take especial
care that her servants are capable, well trained and reliable, and
that her domestic arrangements are carried on as noiselessly and
easily as if by machinery. In a well ordered house the machinery
is always in order, and always works out of sight. No well-bred
woman talks of her servants, of her dinner arrangements, or the
affairs of her nursery. One feels these matters to be under her
_surveillance_, and that fact alone is a guarantee of their good
management. The amusements and comforts of her guests are provided
for without discussion or comment; and whatever goes wrong is
studiously withheld from the conversation of the drawing-room. And
let no lady, however young, however beautiful, however gifted, for
one moment imagine that the management of her house can be
neglected with impunity. If she is rich enough to provide an
efficient housekeeper, well and good; but, even so, the final
responsibility must still rest upon her, and her alone. No tastes,
no pleasures must stand in the way of this important duty; and
even if that duty should at first seem irksome, the fulfillment of
it is sure to bring its own reward.
"The very atmosphere of the house proclaims the mistress. The
servants wear a cheerful air, and meet you with candid and
friendly faces; the rooms are tastefully furnished; an
irreproachable cleanliness and neatness reign around. The
unexpected guest finds an orderly table and an unembarrassed
welcome. In such a house, scandal finds no favor, and conversation
never degenerates into gossip. In such a home, peace and plenty
and goodwill are permanent household gods."
The most perfect law of politeness, the safest and surest guide in
all that pertains to the true definition of a gentleman or lady
is, after all, the Christian rule:
"Do unto others as you would others should do unto you."
No one with this for a guide can ever fail in true, genuine
_politeness_, and that politeness will soon lead him to learn and
remember all the prevailing rules of established _etiquette_.
INTRODUCTIONS.
NEVER introduce people to each other unless you are sure the
acquaintance so commenced will be mutually agreeable.
A person who, from youth, social position or any other cause,
stands in the inferior position of the two persons to be
introduced to each other, must be introduced to the superior. A
gentleman is always to be introduced to a lady, never a lady to a
gentleman.
At a ball, it is the part of the host and hostess to make
introductions amongst the guests; but guests may with perfect
propriety introduce friends to each other. Gentlemen must never
introduce friends to ladies, without first obtaining special
permission to do so, and this permission should be always granted,
unless there is a very strong reason for the refusal. The French,
and in a great measure the English, dispense with introductions at
a private ball. It is taken for granted that the hostess has
invited to her ball only such people as are fit to be mutually
acquainted, and the fact that they have been invited to meet each
other is a sufficient warrant for self-introduction. This practice
saves a great deal of trouble, but it applies only to balls in
private houses. At any public ball, partners must be introduced to
each other; indeed it is better for ladies at such entertainments,
to dance only with the gentlemen of their own party, or with whom
they had a previous acquaintance. Special introductions may,
however, be made with propriety by the master of ceremonies.
When introducing two gentlemen, look first to the elder, or, if
there is any difference in social standing, to the superior, and
with a slight bow say to him: "Allow me to introduce my friend,
Mr. Jones, to you;" then turning to your friend, repeat his name,
and follow it by that of the gentleman to whom he is introduced,
thus: "Mr. Smith, allow me to introduce my friend, Mr. Jones, to
you. Mr. Jones, Mr. Smith." In introducing a gentleman to a lady,
bow slightly to the latter, saying, "Miss---, allow me to
introduce Mr.---; Mr.---, (bowing to him) Miss---."
When several persons are introduced to one, it is sufficient to
name the single individual once, repeating all the names of the
others, thus: "Mr. Johnson, allow me to introduce Mr. and Mrs.
James, Miss Smithson, Mr. Lewis, Mr. Johnson," bowing slightly to
each when named.
Shaking hands after an introduction has taken place is merely
optional, not necessary; and is forbidden to an unmarried lady to
whom a gentleman is introduced. A bow is all that etiquette
requires. In introducing young persons to elder ones of good
social standing, it is often a kindly act of encouragement for the
latter to shake hands, with a few cordial words.
It is not necessary to introduce people who meet at your house on
morning calls, though it may be done with propriety if the
introduction has been previously ascertained to be mutually
pleasant.
It is optional after such an introduction, with the parties
introduced, to continue or drop the acquaintance so formed.
Without a formal introduction, the merely meeting at the house of
a mutual friend, does not warrant any future recognition. It
rests, however, after an introduction with the lady, if between
lady and gentleman, with the married or elder lady, if between
lady and lady, and with the elder, if between gentlemen, to
continue or drop the acquaintance.
Gentlemen who meet at the house or rooms of a mutual friend are
not obliged to recognize one another if they meet again elsewhere.
There is no rule forbidding their doing so, if agreeable to both
parties, but there is no requirement of etiquette obliging them to
appear as if they had even met before.
A lady is not obliged to afterwards recognize a partner with whom
she may have danced at a ball. It is entirely optional with her to
do so or not; and if she has danced several times with the
gentlemen, it will be a question between her and her conscience
how far she may consider herself justified in passing by without
notice one who has extended to her so much courtesy at a ball.
Etiquette, however, does not require even the slightest
recognition.
When strangers in a city are introduced to residents it is
customary to name the place from which they come, thus: "Allow me
to introduce to you my friend Mr. Schmidt, from Germany. Mr.
Schmidt, Mr. Popking;" or if introducing a traveller, "Allow me to
introduce my friend Mr. Robinson, lately returned from Egypt." A
pleasant opening is thus offered for conversation, and a foreigner
may have the pleasure of a salutation in his own language.
An important duty in introducing friends is to pronounce the name
of each party clearly and distinctly, that no error or necessity
for repetition may occur.
It is often a positive kindness to take advantage of the etiquette
which dispenses with introductions at morning calls. Many a witty,
talented person has had a stupid bore pursue him upon such an
introduction, and even the one necessary conversation following an
introduction is a painful effort, owing to the entire
uncongeniality of the parties introduced.
A friend visiting at your house must be introduced to all callers,
who are bound to continue the acquaintance as long as the friend
is your guest. So, if when calling upon a friend, you are
introduced to a visitor, you are bound to extend all courtesies
and attentions which you would desire paid to your visitors in
similar circumstances.
Introductions, given at a party to a stranger visiting in a city,
must be followed by recognition as long as the visit continues.
If, when walking with one friend, you should meet another, it is
not necessary to introduce them; indeed, you should not do so
without special reason for it. Never, even after an introduction,
start a long conversation, unless all continue the walk in the
same direction.
Should you, when walking with a friend, meet a lady who desires to
speak to you, your friend must stop with you, yet an introduction
under such circumstances does not exact any future recognition.
Sisters, brothers or other relatives may always be introduced to
friends when met casually.
If friends meet at public places of amusement and are accompanied
by strangers, introductions are not required by etiquette, and if
made do not oblige any future acquaintance.
It is not necessary to have an introduction in order to pay your
respects to the President of the United States, excepting that of
the master of ceremonies at the receptions. He will receive your
card and present you. For a private interview it is better to be
introduced by a Senator or a member of the House of
Representatives.
In visiting foreign courts, introductions are more a matter of
ceremony than in this country. If you wish to obtain an
introduction to the Emperor of France, you must address your
request to the Grand Chamberlain, which may be done personally or
by letter.
Your statement that you are an American citizen, and a reference
to the American Consul will procure you an interview. Punctuality
to the hour appointed for the interview is essential, and ladies
present themselves in full dress; gentlemen in a dress suit of
black, white vest, gloves and neck-tie.
The ceremony of presentation will be explained before you are
presented.
In the English court, the ladies must be presented by a lady;
gentlemen by a gentleman. Strangers must have credentials from the
Consul before they can be introduced.
If at a dinner, a ball, or upon any occasion you are introduced,
at a friend's house, to one with whom you are not on good terms,
though it be your bitterest enemy, etiquette requires you to
salute him or her courteously, and make no sign of resentment
whilst under your friend's roof.
If you are introduced as a petitioner to any one in authority,
that introduction does not authorize you in claiming an
acquaintance afterwards.
Never introduce persons who may be related to you, without calling
their full name. It is done very often, even amongst well-bred
people, from thoughtfulness, as, "Mrs. James, allow me to
introduce my cousin Frank; Frank, Mrs. James," and poor Mrs. James
is left entirely ignorant of cousin Frank's name. The proper way
is to name the relationship and also the surname of the relative.
If you introduce a brother or sister even, marriage may have
changed the name of one. You should say: "Mrs. James, allow me to
introduce to you my sister, Miss Curtis; Miss Curtis, Mrs. James."
If you are introduced to the relative of a friend, etiquette
requires you to consider that relative an acquaintance, unless
there is some special reason to the contrary.
It is best to avoid introductions in a public conveyance, as few
people like to have their names called out in such places. If such
introductions are made, however, it should be done as quietly as
possible.
To introduce to a friend a person who is in any way objectionable,
is an insult which fully justifies a withdrawal of friendship.
A gentleman should always raise his hat, if introduced in the
street, to either lady or gentleman.
If introducing a foreigner or a gentleman in this country, whose
position gives him an honorary title, always give the title. Thus,
if a member of Congress, meeting a German baron at your house, you
introduce them, you say: "Mr. Somers, allow me to introduce to you
my friend, the Baron von Schmidt; Baron von Schmidt, the Honorable
Mr. Somers."
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION.
LETTERS of introduction should never be given, except to persons
well known to the person introducing them, and addressed to those
only who have a long-standing friendship for the writer. Amongst
persons but slightly acquainted, such letters are not only foolish
but positively dangerous, as you may thus give your countenance to
those who will take advantage of your carelessness to bring you
into mortifying, if not disgraceful positions.
Even amongst friends of long standing they should be given very
cautiously and sparingly, as it is a great responsibility to send
to your friend a visitor who may prove disagreeable, and you have
no right whatever to call upon comparative strangers to extend
hospitality or courtesy to your friends.
Letters of introduction should always be as short and concise as
possible. If you wish to send any information to your friends
about their visitor, send it in a separate letter by mail.
The utmost brevity is of importance in the letter of introduction,
as it is usually read in the presence of the party introduced, and
the pause must necessarily be awkward. You may in a letter of
introduction use a few words of warm, cordial feeling toward your
friend, but praise of any kind is in as bad taste as it would be
at a personal introduction.
This rule, however, does not apply to letters introducing
applicants for favor, office or position, which latter come more
strictly under the head of letters of recommendation than merely
letters of introduction.
Letters of introduction must be left unsealed invariably; they
should be folded and addressed like any other letter, but it is a
gross breach of etiquette to prevent the bearer from reading what
you may have said of him to your friend. It is optional with the
bearer to seal such letters before delivery, but it is customary
to leave them open.
A letter of introduction should not, unless circumstances make it
absolutely unavoidable, be delivered in person. It should be sent,
with the card of the person introduced, to the person to whom it
is addressed, by a servant. The person receiving it should then
call at once or send a written invitation to his house, and the
person introduced may then call in person. If, however, the stay
in the city is very short, these formalities must be omitted, and
the person introduced call in person, sending in his letter and
card by a servant.
Business letters of introduction should mention the errand and
business of the party introduced, and if your own acquaintance is
of recent date, mention by whom your were yourself introduced.
Letters introducing professional artists may contain a few words
expressive of the pleasure conferred by the talent or skill of the
person introduced.
Letters of introduction soliciting favors should be but seldom
given, and never unless the claims upon both parties interested
are very strong.
There is no rule of etiquette prescribing the exact amount of
attention required to be shown to the bearer of a letter of
introduction by the person to whom it is addressed.
A thousand circumstances of time, place, position, leisure and
disposition of the parties must control this, but as a rule, the
most generous hospitality and courtesy it is possible to give,
should be extended to your friend's friend. It is a compliment to
both the bearer and the writer of the letter. La Fontaine says: "A
letter of introduction is a draft at sight, and you must cash it."
It might be added, "You must cash it in full, never allowing the
courtesy exchange to be against the presenter of the draft."
Letters of introduction should bear upon the envelope the name and
address of the party introduced, written in the left hand corner--
thus:
JOHN JONES, ESQ.,
No. 714 --- Street,
Philadelphia.
Introducing L. F. Townsend, Esq., of Troy.
Letters of introduction to and from business men, for business
purposes, may be delivered by the bearers in person, and etiquette
does not require the receiver to entertain the person introduced
as the private friend of the writer. Good nature and native
courtesy would suggest some attentions, which could be increased
according to the pleasure conferred or received, but it is
entirely optional.
Letters of introduction are very useful to travellers, or those
about to change their place of residence; care, however, should be
especially taken in the latter case to present persons to each
other only, who will prove mutually agreeable, as it is surely no
friendly act to force upon your friends a life-long acquaintance,
perhaps with uncongenial persons.
A form is given for an ordinary letter of introduction, to be
varied according to circumstances, always bearing in mind that
brevity is essential, long acquaintance necessary, and some claim
on both parties important, before giving any letters of introduction
to your friends and acquaintances.
"New York, August 12, 1869.
"JAMES WILCOX, ESQ.,
"Dear Sir:--Allow me to introduce to you my friend, Mr. Loving,
who will make a brief visit to your city. Any attention you may be
able to show him, during his stay, will be appreciated as a favor
by,
"Yours sincerely,
"E. B. Lyons."
(To be directed) "JAMES WILCOX, ESQ.,
"No. 204 --- Street,
"Washington, D.C.
"Introducing F. G. Loving, Esq., of New York."
In receiving such a letter, bear in mind the courtesy extended is
really a compliment to the writer of the letter, and such
hospitality and courtesy as you extend you are entitled to claim
again for your own friends at some future time. If you are in a
position to do so, you should follow your first call by an
invitation to dinner, or to meet friends in the evening, and if
the new comer is a stranger in the city, select such friends to
meet him or her, as will prove agreeable and valuable
acquaintances. If your are a bachelor or boarding, and cannot
extend the hospitalities of a home, offer your services as guide
to points of interest in the city, places of public amusement, in
short, extend any courtesy your purse or leisure time will
warrant.
It is contrary to etiquette for the bearer of a letter of
introduction to visit too frequently the house to which he has
just been introduced. The fact that Mr. Smith is your only friend
in town, and has been cordial in his invitations to "make his
house your home," does not justify you in pulling too frequently
at Mr. Smith's door-bell, or presenting yourself at unseasonable
hours in Mrs. Smith's drawing-room.
In travelling abroad it is impossible to have too many letters of
introduction. They take up but little room in a trunk, but their
value when you find yourself "a stranger in a strange land,"
cannot be over-estimated.
SALUTES AND SALUTATIONS.
IN this country men do not embrace each other, nor do they
exchange kisses, while, unless amongst intimate friends, even the
fair sex now dispense with demonstrative salutations. In many
European countries kisses are exchanged, even between gentlemen,
and an embrace is quite in accordance with even a somewhat formal
salutation. In America, however, these demonstrations are mostly
confined to gushing misses and school-girls.
Men in this country acknowledge an introduction by extending the
right hand in greeting--the whole hand--for it is positively
insulting to offer two fingers, as some under-bred snobs will
sometimes do, and it is almost as bad to extend the left hand,
unless two persons are introduced at the same time, or the right
hand is useless or occupied; in any such case apologize for the
hand extended. The right hand is the sword hand, and its extension
to a friend is emblematic as a proof of peace, and as a safeguard
against treachery.
In offering the hand to a friend in the house, always remove the
glove, and grasp the hand given in return firmly for a moment. In
the street, however, the glove may be retained, if it would cause
an awkward pause to remove it; but always in such a case apologize
for the covered hand.
In shaking hands, do not try to wring them off the wrists, nor
press them as in a vise, nor pull them as though they were bell
handles, nor fling the two together with violence, so as to cause
a report. Let the palms grasp each other firmly, but without any
display of energy, and shake the hand moderately for a moment,
then release it. Mr. Pecksniff was wont to clasp his left hand
over his "dear friend's" right hand, resting in his own right.
This practice may be very effective, from a scenic point of view,
but it is not countenanced by any rule of etiquette.
A lady must first recognize a gentleman by bowing before he is at
liberty to salute her. She is the sole judge of the propriety of
recognizing him at all, and etiquette requires the strictest
deference to her desire in this respect. Should she recognize him,
he should raise his hat a little from his head, with the hand
furthest from her, and return her salutation with a slight
inclination of the body. He may not obtrude himself upon her
notice even if he thinks she has not observed him.
A lady should never stop in the street to salute a gentleman
friend, nor may a gentleman join a lady in the street.
Should a lady, however, stop in meeting a gentleman, etiquette
requires him to stop also, no matter how great his haste. If he is
really unable to stop any time, he must at least pause long enough
to state this fact, and apologize for leaving her in such haste.
When a lady wishes to end a conversation in the street, she should
bow slightly, and the gentleman must at once take his leave.
If a lady resumes her walk without any pause in the conversation,
a gentleman is then at liberty to join her in her promenade.
Married ladies are allowed more freedom in such matters than
unmarried ones. It is against all established laws of etiquette
for young unmarried ladies to do more than bow to gentlemen in the
street, unless the fact of relationship allows some violation of
strict etiquette.
Unless related, or upon terms of intimate friendship with a
gentleman, a lady should never salute excepting by a slightly
formal bow. A nod is vulgar, even when exchanged by intimate
friends.
In her own house, however, a lady should extend her hand in
salutation to every guest who crosses her threshold.
Froissart, that charmingly quaint writer, tells of the dame of
ancient days thus:
"When Sir Walter Manny and his men returned from a successful
sortie out of Henneboune, the chronicle tells us,' The Countess de
Montfort came down from the castle to meet them, and with a most
cheerful countenance kissed Sir Walter Manny and all his
companions, one after the other, like a noble and valiant dame.'"
Modern etiquette would hardly speak in praise of such a lady in
the current year.
On horseback a lady salutes by bowing slightly. A gentleman,
grasping reins and whip in his left hand, raises his hat slightly
with his right, at the same time inclining the body forward. He
may not, however, join a lady riding, unless she is escorted only
by a groom, and then he must first request permission to do so.
Never will a gentleman so far imitate a vulgar clown as to smack a
friend on the back, poke him in the ribs, or by clapping his hand
upon his shoulder. It is equally bad taste to use a familiar
shout, or "Hullo, old boy!" or any other "Hail fellow, well met"
phrase of salutation.
If a gentleman salutes another by mistake, even if he has given
him an unceremonious slap or poke, it is etiquette to treat the
offender with the utmost courtesy. He will probably be
sufficiently embarrassed, when he discovers his error, without
having any blunt speech made to add to his discomfiture.
If a gentleman meet a gentleman, be may salute him by touching his
hat without removing it, but if a lady be with either gentleman
both hats must be lifted in salutation.
If a gentleman stops to speak to a lady, in the street, he must
hold his hat in his hand during the interview, unless she requests
him to replace it. With a gentleman friend etiquette does not
require this formality.
A gentleman may bow to a lady seated at a window, if he is passing
on the street, but he must not bow from a window to a lady on the
street.
A gentleman may never offer to shake hands with a lady, but he
must accept such an offer on her part, taking her hand lightly but
firmly in his ungloved right one, and delicately shaking it for a
moment. A pressure is an insult in such a case.
In entering a church a gentleman must remove his hat as soon as
his foot crosses the threshold of the sacred edifice. Travellers
will often omit this salutation in visiting churches abroad, whose
faith differs from their own. There is no more certain sign of ill
breeding as well as irreverence.
A gentleman may always bow to a lady he may meet on a airway, even
if not acquainted. If at the foot of the stairs, he must bow, pass
her and ascend before her. If at the head of the stairs, he must
bow, and wait for her to precede him in the descent.
If two friends are walking together and meet a friend of one, a
bow is all the salutation etiquette demands; if, however, one of
the two stops to speak to the third, he owes the friend he
accompanies an apology for the delay thus occasioned.
In entering a room, a gentleman must take his hat, cane and gloves
in his left hand, leaving his right hand free for salutation.
If a gentleman, walking with a friend, meets a lady with whom his
friend is acquainted, he must also bow, although the lady may be a
stranger to him. The bow must be very slight and formal, merely,
in fact, a compliment to his friend, and a mark of respect to the
lady.
A gentleman must always return a bow made to him in the street,
even if he fails to recognize the person who makes it. It may be a
person to whom he has been introduced, but whose face he has
forgotten, and if it is an error on the part of the other, a
courteous return of the salute will greatly diminish the
embarrassment of the mistaken party.
In meeting a party of friends with some of whom you are intimately
acquainted, and with some only slightly, endeavor to make your
salutations as equal as possible. A formal bow to one, and a
gushing demonstration of delight over another is a breach of
etiquette. Be courteous and cordial to all.
If a foreigner salute you after the fashion of his own country, do
not draw back or allow yourself to smile, but strive to put him at
his ease by taking no notice of the "national salute."
Kissing in public, even between intimate lady friends, is a vulgar
parade of affection, that a truly refined person will shrink from.
It is an insult to return a cordial grasp of the hand, and hearty
greeting, by a cold bow or a flabby extension of a portion of the
hand. Even if you do not approve of the familiar greeting you
should return it with some show of cordiality.
The Countess de --- speaking of salutations, says:
"It would seem that good manners were originally the mere
expression of submission from the weaker to the stronger. In a
rude state of society every salutation is to this day an act of
worship. Hence the commonest acts, phrases and signs of courtesy
with which we are now familiar, date from those earlier stages
when the strong hand ruled, and the inferior demonstrated his
allegiance by studied servility. Let us take for example the
words' Sir' and' Madam.'' Sir' is derived from Seigneur, Sieur',
Sire, and originally meant Lord, King, Ruler, and in its
patriarchal sense, Father. The title of Sire was last borne by
some of the ancient feudal families of France who, as Selden has
said, 'affected rather to be styled by the name of Sire than
Baron, as Le Sire de Montmorenci and the like.'
"Madam or Madame, corrupted by servants into 'Ma'am,' and by Mrs.
Gamp and her tribe into' Mum,' is in substance equivalent to' Your
exalted,' or' Your Highness.' _Ma Dame_ originally meaning high-
born or stately, and being applied only to ladies of the highest
rank.
"To turn to our every-day forms of salutation. We take off our
hats on visiting an acquaintance. We bow on being introduced to
strangers. We rise when visitors enter our drawing-room. We wave
our hand to our friends as he passes the window, or drives away
from our door. The Oriental, in like manner, leaves his shoes on
the threshold when he pays a visit. The natives of the Tonga
Islands kiss the soles of a chieftain's feet. The Siberian peasant
grovels in the dust before a Russian noble. Each of these acts has
a primary, a historical significance. The very word' salutation'
in the first place, derived as it is from' salutatio,' the daily
homage paid by a Roman client to his patron, suggests in itself a
history of manners.
"To bare the head was originally an act of submission to gods and
rulers. A bow is a modified protestation. A lady's courtesy is a
modified genuflexion. Rising and standing are acts of homage; and
when we wave our hand to the friend on the opposite side of the
street, we are unconsciously imitating the Romans who, as Selden
tells us, used to stand somewhat off before the images of their
gods, solemnly moving the right hand to the lips and casting it,
as if they had cast kisses.'
"Again, men remove the glove when they shake hands with a lady--a
custom evidently of feudal origin. The knight removed his iron
gauntlet, the pressure of which would have been all too harsh for
the palm of a fair _chatelaine_, and the custom which began in
necessity has travelled down to us as a point of etiquette."
General salutations of a mixed company are not now in vogue in the
best society, where etiquette requires that we recognize only our
own friends and acquaintances.
In meeting at a friend's house where you are visiting a circle who
are all entire strangers to you, remember that as mutual friends
of the host and hostess you are bound whilst under the same roof
to consider yourselves as acquaintances. No spirit of
exclusiveness is an apology for a neglect of this, and no shyness
can excuse a withdrawing into a corner, or clinging to one friend
alone in such a circle.
CALLS.
WHEN ladies have, according to the French custom, set apart one
morning or one evening in the week for receiving callers, it is a
breach of etiquette to call at any other time, unless a short
visit in the city or business that will not admit of delay are the
excuses. An hour in the evening, and from ten to twenty minutes in
the morning are the limits for a formal call.
When there is no time thus set apart, formal calls must be paid in
the morning, but with friends of long standing the evening call is
not only permissible, but often far more welcome.
Morning calls may be made by gentlemen in society upon all the
occasions following:
In answer to a letter of introduction sent to him, or to return
the call if the letter is personally presented.
In return for any hospitality offered to him when visiting another
city, if the entertainer visit his own place of abode.
In return for any favor received or courtesy extended to him by
another gentleman.
In return for an invitation to the house of a friend, whether the
invitation has been accepted or declined, and this call must be
made within the week following that during which the entertainment
was given.
On any occasion when a grief or a joy calls for expressions of
condolence or congratulation in the circle of his friends.
To greet the safe return of any friend who has been abroad, or
away from home for any length of time.
Following any occasion when a lady has accepted his services as an
escort, a gentleman must call to inquire after the health of his
fair charge, and must not delay longer than the day after that
upon which he has escorted the lady.
After a wedding, at the time appointed for the reception of
friends.
When visiting in another city, upon any friends there, or upon
those to whom letters of introduction have been given.
In asking or granting a favor, a call is demanded by etiquette.
The visit or call is a much better institution than the vulgar
suppose. It is not without its objections, consuming valuable
time, and giving occasion for gossip and small talk, but it is the
most agreeable and customary way of turning a mere acquaintance
into a friend. In a friendly call much of the restraint of meeting
in large assemblies is thrown aside, mind meets mind much more
easily in an easy _tete-a-tete_ conversation, and the conversation
may be allowed to partake somewhat more of a personal character
than it could in the ball-room or evening party.
First calls require prompt return, even if you drop the
acquaintance before the second one.
Morning calls must never be earlier than noon, evening ones never
later than nine o'clock.
When calling, if the room seems crowded, do not prolong your
visit.
A gentleman may never call with a friend upon a lady, unless the
friend is previously acquainted, or he has obtained permission of
the lady to introduce him.
In making a formal call, a gentleman must retain his hat in his
hand. An umbrella or cane may be left in the hall, never the hat
or gloves. If the call is made in the evening, the hat and gloves
must be held until the host or hostess gives an invitation to lay
them aside and spend the evening. Strict etiquette requires that
such an invitation shall not be given, or if given, not accepted
on the occasion of a first call.
In making an informal call in the evening, a gentleman may leave
hat, gloves, cane and overcoat in the hall.
No gentleman will prolong a call if he finds his host or hostess
dressed to go out. A brief visit with a promise to repeat it will
place his entertainers at ease, and even if they urge a longer
stay, the very fact that they were preparing to go out, proves
their desire to do so.
A card used in calling must never have anything upon it, but the
name and address of the caller. Nothing can show a greater
ignorance of the customs of society than to use a business card
for a friendly call. A physician may put the prefix Dr. or the
professional M.D., upon his card, and an Army or Navy officer his
rank and branch of service. Thus a civilian's card must be simply:
JAMES LAWTON,
417 L--- Street.
A physician's:
DR. JEROME HAYES,
218 T--- Street, or
JEROME HAYES, M.D.
An Army officer's:
LIEUT. JAMES BENNETT,
U. S. A.
An Naval officer's:
LIEUT. HENRY KEYSER,
U.S.N.
In receiving a gentleman caller, a gentleman meets him at the
door, takes his hat and cane, and places a chair for him, but a
lady does not leave her seat to receive a gentleman, slightly
rising to bow, and resuming her place again when her visitor is
seated; in receiving another lady, a lady should rise and advance
to meet her, also rise and accompany her to the door when leaving,
unless she has other callers, in which case, she is not required
to leave her place, only standing to bid her caller farewell.
An English authority gives some excellent directions for calling
upon occasions of congratulation or condolence. He says:
"Visits of condolence and congratulation must be made about a week
after the event. If you are intimate with the person upon whom you
call, you may ask, in the first case, for admission; if not, it is
better to leave only a card, and make your "kind inquiries" of the
servant, who is generally primed in what manner to answer them. In
visits of congratulation you should always go in, and be hearty in
your congratulations. Visits of condolence are terrible
inflictions to both receiver and giver, but they may be made less
so by avoiding, as much as is consistent with sympathy, any
allusion to the past. The receiver does well to abstain from
tears. A lady of my acquaintance, who had lost her husband, was
receiving such a visit in her best crape. She wept profusely for
sometime upon the best broad-hemmed cambric handkerchiefs, and
then turning to her visitor said: 'I am sure that you will be glad
to hear that Mr. B. has left me most comfortably provided for.'
_Hinc illae lachrymae._ Perhaps they would have been more sincere
if he had left her without a penny. At the same time, if you have
not sympathy and heart enough to pump up a little condolence, you
will do better to avoid it, but take care that your conversation
is not too gay. Whatever you may feel you must respect the sorrows
of others."
On marriage, cards are sent round to such people as you wish to
keep among your acquaintances, and it is then their part to call
first on the young couple, when within distance.
A lady when calling keeps her parasol in her hand, and is not
required to remove her glove.
No dog, however "dear or interesting," can be admitted to the
drawing-room, and it is bad taste to have one follow you from
home, if you intend to make calls.
It is better for a lady not to have a child with her when paying
calls, unless it is trained to sit silent, or old enough to behave
with quiet propriety.
It is a sign of low-breeding to fidget with the hat, cane or
parasol during a call. They are introduced merely as signs that
the caller is in walking dress, and are not intended, the hat to
be whirled round the top of the cane, the cane to be employed in
tracing out the pattern of the carpet, or the parasol to be tapped
on the teeth, or worse still, sucked.
It is in bad taste for a caller to preface his or her departure by
consulting a watch, remarking, "Now I must go," or insinuating
that the hostess is weary of the visitor. Rise when ready to go,
and express your pleasure at finding your friends at home,
followed by a cordially expressed desire for a speedy meeting
again.
Pelham said he always withdrew when he said something that
produced a sensation, because he knew he must leave such an
impression as would make people wish to see him again.
The lady of the house should always ring when visitors rise to go,
that a servant may be ready to show them out.
When other callers arrive, it is in bad taste to rise at once as
if driven away. Let the first caller watch for a favorable
opportunity to retire gracefully.
If a gentleman calling sees a lady unescorted rise to go, he may
with perfect propriety offer to escort her to her carriage, even
if a stranger, but he must return again to make his own farewell
bow to the hostess.
The most trivial subjects are admissible for a call, and it is not
in good taste to discuss deep interests, political questions or
matters of grave moment.
If strangers are in the room when a caller rises to leave,
courtesy requires only a slight bow in passing.
When calling, etiquette requires that a card be sent up. It will
show that you have called, and if friends are at home, will
prevent any confusion from mispronunciation of your name by the
servant.
When the lady of the house is not at home, a card must be left,
and if there are two or more ladies, the turning down of one
corner of the card signifies that the call was intended for all
the family,
If cards to be left preparatory to leaving town, the initials p.
p. c. (_pour prendre conge_,* or, presents parting compliments),
must be written in the left hand corner. If the departure is a
hurried one, the card may be sent by a servant, but it is in
better taste to leave it in person.
----
* To take leave.
-----
Cards sent during the illness of any member of the family to whom
they are sent, must be accompanied by verbal inquiries regarding
the patient's health. The same rule applies to the survivors when
cards of condolence are sent.
Cards may be left or sent the day after a ball or large evening
party.
After a dinner party or small social gathering, cards must be left
within the following week. When unable to accept an invitation to
dinner, a call should soon afterwards be made to express regret at
the inability to be present.
Visits of condolence are made within a week after the bereavement,
unless the deceased be one of the immediate family, when a
fortnight may be allowed to intervene. Cards may, however, be left
immediately after the death is known.
The first call of a stranger must be returned within a week.
Married men are not obliged to make calls of ceremony in person.
It is sufficient for their wives to leave their cards with their
own.
Residents in a place make the first call upon any new comers.
If a lady does not wish to receive visitors, her servant must be
instructed to reply "not at home," to callers. This is not meant
to imply that she is out of the house; merely that she is not home
to callers. To say that she is "engaged" answers the same purpose,
but such answers must be made upon the first inquiry, for if the
visitor is announced, he or she may conclude the refusal is
intended for that especial call.
It is not necessary, nor is it customary in the city, to offer
refreshments to callers. In the country, especially if the
visitors have come from a distance, it is not only courteous, but
often a positive kindness to do so.
If a stranger come to stay at the house of a friend, those who are
in the habit of visiting at the house should call as soon as
possible, and such calls should be returned at the earliest
practicable opportunity.
A well-bred person should endeavor to be always prepared for
callers. If it is impossible, during the day, to see your friends,
instruct your servant to deny them at the door, but if once within
house, no personal inconvenience should prevent you from
presenting yourself. Illness alone, either your own, or that of
some one requiring your constant attention, can then excuse you.
A lady should avoid keeping callers waiting. If they call before
the hours etiquette has appointed, it is better to see them in the
morning dress than to make them wait for a more elaborate toilet.
If there is any fault, it is their own for intruding at improper
hours.
Persons who do not keep a carriage should not make visits of
ceremony in wet weather. It is ill-bred to enter a drawing-room,
with a handsome carpet upon it, in muddy boots and spattered
garments, to stand a dripping umbrella beside you, or deposit
over-shoes in the hall.
Never resume your seat after having once left it to say adieu.
There is nothing more awkward than to take leave twice. A lady who
is receiving morning visits, may keep some trifling fancy-work in
her hand, if she desires; but drawing, music, writing or any other
absorbing occupation must at once be laid aside.
In receiving many callers at one time, a well-bred lady must
divide her attentions as equally as possible. A _tete-a-tete_
conversation is a gross breach of etiquette, and no one may
receive any especial notice excepting any elderly person.
If, during a call any _contretemps_ occur, shorten your visit.
Your hostess may preserve a smiling serenity while a voice in the
distance proclaims that, "Johnnie has fallen down the stairs," or
"Mary has set the nursery curtains on fire," but you may be
certain she will not resent your departure, even if you have not
been two minutes seated.
If you find yourself intruding upon an early dinner hour, do not
prolong your stay.
A call may be made upon a friend to whom some good fortune has
come, as promotion in service or other happy event, even if he has
not returned the last of your visits.
It is a breach of etiquette, during a call, to draw near to the
fire to warm your hands and feet, unless you are invited by the
mistress of the house to do so. If you are alone in the drawing-
room for a time, while your visit is announced, and then go to the
fire, leave your seat and advance to meet the mistress of the
house as she enters, and then take the seat she points out to you.
In visiting an invalid, never offer to go to the room, but wait
for a invitation to do so.
A gentleman who is a confirmed invalid, may receive the visits of
a lady friend, but under no other circumstances.
Calls made either in person or by card, during an illness of your
own, must be returned as soon as you are able to go abroad again.
It is a breach of etiquette to remove the gloves when making a
formal call.
It is a breach of etiquette to stare round a room when you are
making a call.
In paying visits of condolence, let your dress be subdued. It is
offensive to put on your gayest attire to call upon a friend in
affliction, and equally so to converse upon such subjects as
balls, opera or similar amusements. Let the mourner decide whether
to speak of the recent sorrow or not.
A lady who allows remarks to be made upon a caller, who has just
left the room, commits not only a breach of etiquette, but a
positive rudeness and ill-natured act. It is quite easy to check
any such disposition by a grave reserve, and to turn the
conversation at once.
Calls in the country may be less ceremonious, and of longer
duration than those in the city.
It is an ostentation almost unkind for a lady to call upon a
friend in reduced circumstances, with any parade of her own wealth
in equipage or dress.
No mistress of the house may ever leave the room when there are
visitors in it.
It is a breach of etiquette for a caller, who is waiting the
entrance of the hostess, to open the piano, or to touch it if it
is open.
It is a breach of etiquette to walk round the room when waiting
for your hostess, examining the furniture or pictures.
It is a breach of etiquette for a caller to open or shut a door,
raise or lower a window curtain, or in any way alter the
arrangement of a room.
Many consider a clock on a drawing-room mantel a breach of
etiquette, as it seems to hint to visitors to keep early hours.
It is a breach of etiquette to turn your chair so as to bring your
back to any one seated near to you.
It is a breach of etiquette when making a call, to play with any
ornament in the room, finger the furniture or seem indeed to be
aware of anything but the company present.
To prolong a call to the next meal time is a positive rudeness, as
it forces your hostess to invite you to the table whether
convenient and agreeable or not.
In calling upon friends at a boardinghouse or a hotel, always
write their names above your own upon your card, that it may be
certain to be delivered to the right person.
CONVERSATION.
THERE are several principal rules of etiquette which must be
rigidly observed in conversation, the non-observance of which will
at once stamp the guilty party as ignorant of the forms and
customs of polite society.
Ungrammatical expressions are unfortunately too common even
amongst those who have not the excuse of ignorance, but who fall
into the use of them merely from carelessness, or unconscious
imitation of others. "Says she to me," and other vulgarisms of a
like type, are also a gross violation of good taste in
conversation.
The personal pronouns should be used as little as possible when
speaking of any one, either present or absent. The name of the
lady or gentleman to whom reference is made should be repeated if
necessary, but under no circumstances should the words "she" or
"he," accompanied by a nod or jerk of the thumb, in the direction
of the person spoken of, be employed. Never talk of any one with
whom you may have held intercourse as "that party," or "a party"
of your acquaintance.
Avoid as utterly hateful the use of slang terms. There are surely
words enough in the English language to express all the thoughts
and ideas of the mind, and it is a sign of pure vulgarity to
employ synonyms, the only remarkable part of which is that they
derive their existence solely from vulgar sources. In a gentleman
such expressions are too suggestive of low company, and
intercourse with the worst associates, and in a lady such
expressions are too offensive to be tolerated at all in good
society. Slang never ornamented conversation, but it invariably
sullies and degrades it. Equally to be censured as a violation of
etiquette, and more so in a moral point of view, is the use of
profanity; it is a sure mark, not only of low-breeding, but of a
narrow, degraded if not a positively vicious mind. Lamont says:
"Whatever fortune may be made by perjury, I believe there never
was a man who made a fortune by common swearing. It often appears
that men pay for swearing, but it seldom happens that they are
paid for it. It is not easy to perceive what honor or credit is
connected with it. Does any man receive promotion because he is a
notable blusterer? Or is any man advanced to dignity because he is
expert at profane swearing? Never. Low must be the character which
such impertinence will exalt: high must be the character which
such impertinence will not degrade. Inexcusable, therefore, must
be the practice which has neither reason nor passion to support
it. The drunkard has his cups; the satirist his revenge; the
ambitious man his preferments; the miser his gold; but the common
swearer has nothing; he is a fool at large, sells his soul for
naught, and drudges in the service of the devil gratis. Swearing
is void of all plea, it is not the native offspring of the soul,
nor interwoven with the texture of the body, nor any how allied to
our frame. For, as Tillotson expresses it,'Though some men pour
out oaths as if they were natural, yet no man was ever born of a
swearing constitution.' But it is a custom, a low and paltry
custom, picked up by low and paltry spirits who have no sense of
honor, no regard to decency, but are forced to substitute some
rhapsody of nonsense to supply the vacancy of good sense. Hence
the silliness of the practice can only be equalled by the
silliness of those who adopt it."
It is exceedingly rude, nothing in fact can be more so, to talk to
any one person in the presence of others, in a language not
understood save by the two persons using it--unless you are
addressing a foreigner in his own tongue, and then others should
be made aware of the subject discussed. Nothing can be in worse
taste than to speak in an unknown tongue, to laugh and joke in a
language which leaves the rest of the company in ignorance whether
they themselves may not be the subjects of your remarks or mirth.
Never hold your companion, in a conversation, by the buttonhole.
If you are obliged to detain him forcibly in order to say what you
wish, you are pressing upon him what is disagreeable or unwelcome,
and you commit a gross breach of etiquette in so doing.
To speak to one person in a company in ambiguous terms, understood
by him alone, as "G---, I saw Mr. H., to-day, and delivered your
message," is as rude as if you went up to G--- and whispered in
his ear.
Do not interlard your conversation with scraps of foreign
language. It is an affectation of knowledge in one direction, and
a sort of tacit admission of ignorance in another; for it would
seem to show that the speaker was not well enough acquainted with
his own language to be able to express by its aid that which could
really be told as well, perhaps better, by it than any other.
There are certain expressions, chiefly French, which have become
domesticated in the English language, and which may occasionally
be employed, but only when they come in very aptly; the constant
or extended use of them is intolerable in good society.
Quotations are to be avoided as much as possible. When made, they
should be exceedingly short. There can scarcely be a greater
annoyance to a company than for one person to take up all the time
and attention by reciting a poem, a speech, a passage from a book,
especially if it be the speaker's own book, speech or poem. Of
course, if the company meet especially for mutual enjoyment in
elocution or recitation, this rule does not apply. It is
applicable only for general society. Short, pungent, epigrammatic
quotations, if suitable to the subject of conversation, may be
occasionally introduced, but their use should be the exception,
not the rule.
Dr. Johnson says that in order to converse well, "there must, in
the first place, be knowledge--there must be materials; in the
second place, there must be a command of words; in the third
place, there must be imagination to place things in such views as
they are not commonly seen in; and in the fourth place, there must
be a presence of mind, and a resolution that is not to be overcome
by failure--this last is an essential requisite; for want of it
many people do not excel in conversation."
To be known as an inveterate teller of stories, is a great injury
to a man in society. A short, brilliant anecdote, that is
especially applicable to the conversation, known to be new and
never printed, is all that a well-bred man will ever permit
himself to inflict.
Remarks having, and intended to have, a double meaning--even puns
--are utterly to be deprecated. It is a great liberty to appeal to
the private sympathies of any one, by which I mean, to those
qualities or perceptions which are, as it were, a man's private
property, available for the use of his intimate friends, but not
for the general public. It seems almost needless to say that under
no circumstances whatever are any coarse allusions permissible.
Trite remarks are simply drags upon conversation, and may produce
awkward effects. It is told of Charles Lamb, that he was one day
at dinner at a friend's house, where amongst a number of literary
men was a solitary individual who had been invited for no apparent
reason. The poor man thought that, being in such company, it
behoved him to talk of some one or something literary. In an evil
moment he said, without being conscious of the triteness of his
remark: "Do you not think, sir, that Milton was a great genius?"
Charles Lamb gazed at him curiously, rose, went to the sideboard
and lighted a candle, with which he advanced, in solemn wise, to
where the trite talker sat, and said as one who is about to look
at some unusual object of interest-holding his candle near the
poor man's head the while: "Will you allow me to examine this
gentleman's pericranium?" Lamb was undoubtedly rude, but the other
gave him enormous provocation.
Political and religious topics are not in good taste in general
conversation. It is almost impossible to avoid strong personal
feeling when a difference of opinion arises, and such discussions
almost invariably lead to more warmth of expression and violence
of argument than are compatible with the requirements of polite
conversation.
To listen with interest and attention is as important in polite
society as to converse well, and it is in the character of
listener that the elegant refinement of a man accustomed to
society will soonest prove itself. No matters how "flat, stale and
unprofitable," the remarks of another may be, the well-bred man
will listen with an appearance at least of interest, replying in
such a manner as to show that he entirely "follows the thread of
the discourse."
Avoid as much as possible all egotism; in conversation stick
closely to Cardinal Wolsey's direction to "love thyself last." It
is, to say the least of it, unseemly for a man to be constantly
making himself the subject of conversation. At times it lays a man
open to the attacks which his style certainly invites--as was the
case with the egotist who dared to talk much of himself in the
presence of Dr. Johnson, whom he had greatly irritated by his
conceited talk. The Doctor availed himself of an opportunity to
crush him.
"Oh, indeed, I did not know that!" exclaimed the man, upon some
intelligent remark made by one of the company, whereupon the
Doctor broke in with: "Sir, what you do not know would fill a very
large library."
There used to be a joke against Lord, Erskine, who was notably a
talker of himself, that the printer, having to print a speech
which his lordship had delivered, sent word to say that "he was
very sorry, but he had no more 'I's' in his founts than would
suffice to set up half the speech."
The subject of conversation and the method of handling it should
be so ordered as not to offend either directly or indirectly.
Suitable subjects, for time and place, form an important
consideration in polite conversation. Grave tones and important
consideration are not suited for the chit-chat of a brief call or
a social evening, nor is small talk an appropriate introduction,
when the meetings are for the purpose of discussing serious
matters. Let gayety or gravity rule as place and occasion demand.
Gesticulations are in excessively bad taste. If you do not wish to
attract censorious remark, converse quietly and without gesture.
Declamation is not conversation.
Refrain from the use of satire, even if you are master of the art.
It is permissible only as a guard against impertinence, or for the
purpose of checking personalities, or troublesome intrusions.
Under no circumstances whatever should it be used merely for
amusement's sake, to produce an effect, or in order to show off
one's own wit. It must never be employed by a gentleman against a
lady, though ladies are prone to indulge in the use of this wordy
weapon. Their acknowledged position should, in the eyes of a true
gentleman, shield them from all shafts of satire. If they, on the
other hand, choose to indulge in satire, it is the part of a
gentleman to remonstrate gently, and if the invective be
continued, to withdraw. There was a case in point during the
Austro-Prussian war. The Grand Duchess of ---, being visited by a
Prussian General on business, took occasion to pour forth upon him
the unmeasured violence of her temper, which had naturally enough
been disturbed by the success that had attended the Prussian arms,
and had been at the same time so injurious to her husband's
interests. The Prussian General remonstrated, at first mildly; the
invective still flowed, when the General said he would not have
believed that a Prussian officer could have been called upon to
endure such abuse from the lips of a high-born lady. Still the
Grand Duchess continuing to ignore the object of the General's
visit, and continuing also to pour forth the bitterness of her
spirit upon him, the soldier withdrew, not returning railing for
railing, but simply declaring that the language used towards him
was absolutely intolerable.
Do not attempt to speak with the mouth full.
Do not, however much you may be pleased with any remark, cry out
"Bravo!" clap your hands, or permit any gesture, silent or
otherwise, to mark your appreciation of it. A quiet expression of
pleasure, or the smiling lip will show quite as plainly your sense
of the wit, or fitness of the remark.
If you are flattered, repel it by quiet gravity. You cannot accept
it without also accepting the contempt of the person who offers
it. Refrain, too, from expressions of flattery to others; you will
surely offend any hearer who has delicacy of feeling and
refinement.
If an error in language, either in pronunciation or grammar,
escapes those with whom you are conversing, never show that you
notice it. To take occasion to repeat correctly the same word or
phrase, is ill-bred in the extreme, and as much so to correct it
when spoken.
In addressing any one and in general conversation, it will be well
to bear in mind the advice of Polonius to his son Laertes: "Be
thou familiar, but by no means vulgar;" but unless you have
special reason, do not too closely adhere to his precept, "Give
every man thine ear, but not thy tongue." This will only serve to
make you appear reserved and reticent, when to be so would be not
only out of place, but ill-bred. In society, a man should make
himself as agreeable as he can, doing his best to assist
conversation, as well by talking gracefully and easily, as by
listening patiently, even though it be to a twice-told tale.
Do not whistle, loll about, scratch your head, or fidget with any
portion of your dress while speaking. 'Tis excessively awkward,
and indicative of low-breeding.
Strictly avoid anything approaching to absence of mind. There can
be nothing more offensive than a pre-occupied vacant expression,
an evident abstraction of self at the very time you are supposed
to be listening attentively to all that is being said to you. Lord
Chesterfield said: "When I see a man absent in mind. I choose to
be absent in body." And there was really much reason in the
remark.
Whispering is atrocious, and cannot be tolerated. It is almost as
bad to endeavor to draw one person from a general conversation
into a _tete-a-tete_ discussion. Private affairs must be delayed
for private interviews.
If, however, you find others have been guilty of this breach of
etiquette, and you are so placed as to overhear what is intended
to be a secret communication, you may with perfect propriety
change your seat, or if this is not practicable, inform the
persons so conversing, that their voices are audible to you.
Unless you are actually afflicted with deafness, never ask to have
a sentence repeated. It implies a wandering attention. If your
hearing is defective, say so, and your companion will raise his
voice.
Never interrupt a speaker. It is equally rude to supply words over
which your companion may hesitate a moment. Do not be guilty of a
rough comment on what has been said, by such remarks as, "Yes, you
mean so-and-so." If you understand such to be the meaning of a
remark, act or answer accordingly; if you are uncertain, try to
find out in some way that will not wound the feelings of the
speaker.
In general conversation avoid argument. It is too engrossing of
attention, and is moreover apt to break in upon the harmony of the
company. If obliged to discuss a point, do so with suavity,
contradicting, if necessary, with extreme courtesy, and if you see
no prospect of agreement, finishing off with some happy good-
natured remark to prove that you are not hurt or offended.
When addressing a person, look in his or her face, not staringly,
but frankly, never fixing your eyes on the carpet or your boots.
Speak clearly and distinctly, never mumbling your words, and while
avoiding a shouting tone, speak loudly enough to ensure your
remarks being heard. A very low tone of voice will be heard if the
words are clearly articulated and spoken slowly enough for perfect
distinctness, and is much more agreeable than hurried, garbled
speech loudly uttered.
Do not sit too close to your companion in conversation, and avoid
any appearance of wishing secrecy.
Loud laughing and giggling are in excessively bad taste. Do not
interrupt yourself by laughing at what you are about to say.
Eschew scandal, for "in scandal as in robbery, the receiver is
always thought as bad as the thief." Mimicry is the lowest and
most ill-bred of all buffoonery.
Swearing, sneering, private affairs either of yourself or any
other, have long ago been banished out of the conversation of
well-mannered people.
Never suppose, or never appear to suppose yourself the subject of
the conversation or laugh of the company.
Bashfulness is an inconvenient quality, which a great authority
has stated to be "the distinguishing character of a booby."
Nicknames are abominable, and are never allowed in good society.
Call people and things by their right names, and avoid
affectations of all kinds.
If your friends become the subject of conversation, never compare
one with another, or mention the vices of one to add to the lustre
of virtue of the other. Find something pleasant to say of each,
that you may not earn the reputation of a backbiter.
In conversing with a foreigner, betray no impatience if he
hesitates for a word to express himself, nor any ridicule if his
language is faulty. If you speak his own tongue, say so when you
begin the conversation, as this is never a mere display of an
accomplishment, but a true kindness to "a stranger in a strange
land." You are almost certain to give pleasure by so doing.
To speak constantly of public characters or distinguished people
as your intimate friends, even if they are so, is a certain mark
of low-breeding. Boasting of your own position, wealth, luxuries
or possessions of any kind is in equally bad taste.
Never speak to a literary person of his works. You may by an apt
quotation or pleasant remark show that you are familiar with them,
but to question an author about his profession is ill bred. It is
equally so to speak of business matters to any man in general
society. Business men do not go into the world of polite society
to carry their shop, and they will not thank you for reminding
them of work in their hours of relaxation.
Do not commence any conversation by the suggestion of painful or
disagreeable topics. To ask a friend abruptly, "For whom are you
in mourning?" may be tearing open anew a wound that was covered
for the time by intercourse with society. Take other steps to
satisfy yourself on this point. By the same token, do not say to a
man, "That was an unfortunate affair, that failure of yours."
Never, directly or indirectly, rub a sore.
Do not ask questions which relate to the private affairs of the
person spoken to, and be guarded against conduct which may look
like an attempt to force confidence. If too persevering in your
inquiries you may be treated, and very properly, as one might
treat a highwayman who sought to rob one of any other property. A
man's thoughts are certainly his own most private possession, and
you must be very intimate to seek to be admitted to a share in
them. Even if you are so, it is far more delicate to wait until
confidence is offered to you. A man has a perfect right to defend
himself from cross-examination by any means, except positive
falsehood.
In conversing with foreigners do not disparage any of their
national customs, even if they are rude enough to attack yours.
You may, pleasantly and frankly, defend the institutions of your
native land, but not by comparison with the customs of other
countries. If your companion is well-bred, he will admit that you
possibly understand American customs better than a foreigner can
do; if he is a low-bred man, no rudeness on your part will correct
his manners or views.
Subjects or incidents calculated to disgust the hearers, are to be
avoided in polite conversation. There is a positive fascination to
some people in describing sickening or revolting scenes, but well-
bred people will remember that some are sensitive upon such
subjects, and all would prefer more agreeable topics.
Do not use surnames alone, even if speaking of intimate friends.
For a lady to speak of her husband as "Smith" or "Jones," is
vulgar in the extreme, and it is low-bred also to say "my
husband," "my wife" or, except amongst relatives, to use the
Christian name only, in speaking of husband or wife. Speak of your
own husband or wife as, "Mr." or "Mrs. B---," and of your friends
also by the surname prefix as, "Remember me to Mr. or Mrs. D."
Let no more than one person be speaking at one time.
Ridicule and personal joking cannot be too severely censured.
Avoid an officious offer of advice or your own opinion, and if you
do give an opinion, be sure it is given as such and not as a fact.
If you would preserve a character for truthfulness, avoid the too
common fault of exaggeration.
When visiting, be careful that you do not appear to undervalue
anything around you by comparing it with what you have at home.
Beware of personal abuse or invective. Remember what Shakespeare
put into the month of Cardinal Wolsey, when the Earl of Surrey
said to him on his disgrace:
"Now if you can blush and cry 'guilty' Cardinal,
You'll show a little honesty."
Mark the proud dignity of the prelate's reply:
"Speak on, sir;
I dare your worst objections: If I blush
It is to see a nobleman want manners."
Punning is a vulgarism that should be scrupulously avoided. An
inveterate punster, though his play upon words may rise to the
keenest wit, is yet an insufferable bore. No one feels secure in
his society, or can guess what word may be torn out of a serious
or brilliant remark to be tortured into a vulgar witticism, out of
place and uncalled for.
Proverbs are not in good taste when introduced into conversation.
Scriptural phrases are apt to subject the speaker to a suspicion
of insincerity, and should be used very seldom, and with the
utmost reverence.
Cant is simply detestable.
Religion is a subject too apt to lead to long arguments if not to
positive altercation to be the subject of general conversation.
Repartee is not a weapon for every-day use. There are few who can
wield this polished blade skillfully, and when clumsy hands grasp
it, it will wound both speaker and hearer.
The talented author of "Good Society," says:
"The great secret of talking well is to adapt your conversation as
skillfully as may be to your company. Some men make a point of
talking commonplace to all ladies alike, as if a woman could only
be a trifler. Others, on the contrary, seem to forget in what
respects the education of a lady differs from that of a gentleman,
and commit the opposite error of conversing on topics with which
ladies are seldom acquainted. A woman of sense has as much right
to be annoyed by the one, as a lady of ordinary education by the
other. You cannot pay a finer compliment to a woman of refinement
and _esprit_, than by leading the conversation into such a channel
as may mark your appreciation of her superior attainments.
"It should be remembered that people take more interest in their
own affairs than in anything else which you can name. In _tete-a-
tete_ conversations, therefore, lead a mother to talk of her
children, a young lady of her last ball, an author of his
forthcoming book, or an artist of his exhibition picture. Having
furnished the topic, you need only listen; and you are thought not
only agreeable, but thoroughly sensible, amiable and well-
informed.
"Be careful, on the other hand, not always to make a point of
talking to persons upon general matters relating to their
professions. To show an interest in their immediate concerns is
flattering, but to converse with them too much about their own art
or profession, looks as if you thought them ignorant of other
topics.
"Remember in conversation that a voice 'gentle and low' is, above
all other extraneous accomplishments, an excellent thing in woman.
There is a certain distinct but subdued tone of voice which is
peculiar to persons only of the best breeding. It is better to err
by the use of too low than too loud a tone. Loud laughter is
extremely objectionable in society.
"Conversation is a reflex of character. The pretentious, the
illiterate, the impatient, the curious, will as inevitably betray
their idiosyncrasies as the modest, the even tempered and the
generous. Strive as we may, we cannot always be acting. Let us,
therefore, cultivate a tone of mind, and a habit of life, the
betrayal of which need not put us to shame in the company of the
pure and wise, and the rest will be easy. If we make ourselves
worthy of refined and intelligent society, we shall not be
rejected from it; and in such society we shall acquire by example
all that we have failed to learn from precept."
If you are conversing, when interrupted by a visitor, and, after
the customary greetings, resume the conversation, you must
recapitulate the substance of it for the benefit of the new comer.
To invariably commence a conversation by remarks on the weather
shows a poverty of ideas that is truly pitiable.
Do not constantly repeat the name of a person with whom you are
conversing.
A person who has travelled will probably be severely ridiculed if
constantly referring to "the winter I spent in Florence," or "when
I was in London."
If conversation takes a tone that is offensive to good taste,
charity or justice, be silent.
Do not be too ready to correct any statement you may deem untrue.
You may be yourself mistaken.
INVITATIONS.
ALL invitations, excepting dinner invitations, are issued in the
name of the lady of the house alone. Dinner invitations are issued
in the name of the gentleman and lady of the house, or when
extended to gentlemen only, in the name of the host alone. Answers
to invitations, excepting such dinner invitations as are issued in
the name of the gentleman only, must be addressed to the lady of
the house.
When invitations are issued in the height of a fashionable season,
it is best to send them out at least a fortnight beforehand. For a
small company, and when gayety is not at its height, a week's
notice is sufficient. For a costume ball, private theatricals or
any occasion when elaborate dresses or preparations are needed, a
month should be given.
Printed cards of invitation are not _en regle_, excepting for
public occasions. A small note paper is the only appropriate one,
and may have the initial letter or monogram stamped upon it, and
the envelope. Any more fanciful decoration is in excessively bad
taste.
The proper form for a dinner invitation is:
"Mr. and Mrs. G--- request the favor of Mr. and Mrs. L---'s
company at dinner, on Tuesday, the 8th of January, at 5 o'clock."
Or,
"Mr. G--- requests the pleasure of Mr. L ---'s company at dinner,
on Tuesday, the 8th of January, at 5 o'clock."
The answer accepting the invitation should run as follows:
"Mr. and Mrs. L--- have much pleasure in accepting Mr. and Mrs. G-
--'s kind invitation to dinner on the 8th of January."
If declined, the following form must be used:
"Mr. and Mrs. L--- regret that a prior engagement (or other reason
stated) will prevent their accepting Mr. and Mrs. G---'s kind
invitation to dinner on the 8th of January."
Should the invitation be declined, some reason for the refusal
must be given, and, unless an excuse (which always savors more or
less of the untruthful) be wanted, it is the truest politeness to
assign the cause which actually is the preventive. Whatever the
cause--sickness, domestic trouble, business or any other--it
should be stated as concisely as possible in the answer, which in
any case should be dispatched as soon as possible (certainly the
next day) after the receipt of the invitation, that the hostess
may have time to summon other guests in the stead of those
declining her first invitations.
After an invitation is once accepted, it should be scrupulously
observed. Nothing but the most absolute necessity should prevent
you from going, and when such necessity arises, it should be
communicated directly, with a full explanation of the preventing
cause even if it is within half an hour of the appointed dinner
time. If earlier, send the explanation as soon as possible.
Invitations to dinner and the answers must be sent by a special
messenger. The post is proverbially uncertain, and the non-arrival
of an expected invitation or its answer, may cause lasting
offence.
It is a breach of etiquette, to say nothing of practical
inconvenience, to bring an unassorted company together at dinner.
Great people, public characters, literary celebrities or
distinguished guests from any cause should not be invited merely
because they are such. They will be uncomfortable if the guests
summoned to meet them are not congenial, and the remainder of your
company equally so. No one guest should be too conspicuous. A
harmonious blending of tastes and qualities should be the object
in view. Persons moving in one circle of society should not, as a
general rule, be invited to meet those who move in another circle.
A man of strong political bias in one direction, should not be
invited to meet a party opposed to his views; persons of known and
marked differences in religious matters should not be invited to
meet each other, and above all, avoid the social collision of
those whom you know to be personal enemies. The best guide in such
matters is common sense, coupled with a little judicious
forethought.
Invitations to large balls should be sent out at least a fortnight
before the time appointed, and are worded thus:
"Mrs. L---'s compliments to Miss G---, and requests the pleasure
of her company at a ball, on Wednesday, the 7th of March, at 9
o'clock."
The answer is as follows:
"Miss G---'s compliments to Mrs. L---, and accepts with pleasure
her kind invitation for Wednesday, March 7th."
Or,
"Miss G--- regrets a recent death in her family will prevent her
accepting Mrs. L---'s kind invitation for March 7th."
An invitation to an evening party is worded:
"Mrs. S--- compliments to Mr. and Mrs. T---, and requests the
pleasure of their company on March 9th, at 8 o'clock."
Such an invitation calls for full evening dress. The answer is the
same as for a ball invitation.
Invitations to pic-nics, private theatricals, concerts, tea
parties and other entertainments, generally state the nature of
such entertainment, and are a little less formal than those
already given.
For a musical party:
"Mrs. R-- requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. P---'s company, on
Thursday evening, Feb. 10th, at 8 o'clock, to meet the members of
the Harmonia Musical Society."
And if you have a programme of the concert, enclose it.
Or,
"Mrs. F--- expects a few friends on Monday evening next, at 8
o'clock, to take part in some dramatic readings, and would be
happy to have Miss B--- join the party."
Or,
"Mrs. S---'s compliments to Miss P---, and would be pleased to
have her join a pic-nic party to Pine Grove, on Wednesday, June
14th. Carriages start from Mrs. S---'s at 9 o'clock, and a place
will be reserved for Miss P---."
Notes of invitation must always be dated, and your address in full
written in one corner, thus:
"Feb. 6th, 18--.
"Miss M---. requests the pleasure of Miss N---'s company to a
small evening party, on Friday evening next, at 8 o'clock.
"No. 762 R--- Street."
The body of the invitation must be in the middle of the sheet, and
date a little above to the right, the address a little below to
the left.
The envelopes containing invitations must be directed always to
the private residence of the person invited, never to a place of
business or office.
When the officers of a regiment or a ship are invited to an
entertainment, and it is not possible to invite them all, it is
customary to send an invitation to the Colonel or Commander,
accompanied by a certain number of blank tickets, if it be a
public ball, or by an intimation that the host would be glad to
see Colonel or Captain --- and so many of the officers of the
regiment or ship.
Invitations by a regiment to a ball, to be given by the officers,
are worded as follows:
"Col. and the officers of the --- Regiment, U. S. A. (or other
branch of the service), request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. C---
's company on the 7th of December, at 9 o'clock.
"R--- Barracks, corner of --- and --- Streets."
Answers should be addressed to the Colonel of the regiment, and
worded thus:
"Mr. and Mrs. C's compliments to Colonel -- and the officers of
the - Regiment, U. S. A., and accept with pleasure their polite
invitation for the 7th of December."
In case an officer desires to invite his personal friends, he
encloses his own card in the invitation, but these must all be
issued in the form already given, the card explaining to which
officer the compliment is to be attributed.
Invitations to a Naval ball are issued in the name of the "Captain
and officers of the U. S. Ship ---," or simply in the name of "The
Officers of the U. S. Ship ---."
On the corner of the card the name of the officer to whom the
answers are to be sent, should be written.
An officer of higher rank, or a public official of high position,
will signify on his card what aide-de-camp or clerk is to receive
the answers to his invitations, and will issue them in the joint
name of himself and wife, thus:
"General and Mrs. E--- request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. D---'s
company, on Thursday, the 6th of November, at 8 o'clock.
"Direct answers to Capt. E. C---."
Verbal invitations are given only when the occasion is a very
informal one, and imply plain dress, early hours and a small
company.
Invitations to concerts, theatre or opera, should be sent in time
to secure good seats, if accepted, The usual style is:
"Mr. G would be much pleased to have Mrs. and Miss Hunt's company
at the opera, on Wednesday evening, when La Trovatore will be
performed by the Italian troupe at the Academy of Music."
Such an invitation calls for an immediate answer from the elder
lady, and should be as follows:
"Mrs. and Miss Hunt accept with pleasure Mr. G---'s polite
invitation to listen to a favorite opera on Wednesday evening."
Or if declined:
"Mrs. Hunt regrets that a prior engagement will prevent her own
and Miss Hunt's acceptance of Mr. G---'s polite invitation for
Wednesday evening."
For a general reception, invitations are printed upon cards, thus:
"Wednesday Evening, January 14th, No. 348 --- STREET."
Such cards do not require any answer.
DINNER COMPANY.
ON no occasion is a want of punctuality more ill-bred than at a
dinner party, whether it is the guests who are late, or the
hostess who allows dinner to be later than the time appointed.
Belie remarks, with as much truth as sarcasm:
"I have always been punctual to the hour of dinner, for I know
that those whom I kept waiting would employ those unpleasant
moments to sum up all my faults."
To arrive too early is to annoy the lady of the house by
disturbing her at her toilet.
To arrive too late is injurious to the dinner, to the temper of
your host, of the other guests and of the servants.
It is really a sad breach of etiquette to be later than the hour
named in your invitation for dinner, and from ten to fifteen
minutes before it is quite soon enough for your arrival.
As regards the hour for dinner, etiquette, strictly so called, has
not prescribed anything. Custom, the fashion, convenience, a score
of things may control it. From five to eight o'clock, according
somewhat to the season of the year, is the present fashionable
limit. By that time the business of most men is over for the day,
which can scarcely be said of an hour earlier than five.
The lady of the house should be in her drawing-room, ready to
receive her guests, ten or fifteen minutes before the hour fixed
for their arrival, and the daughters of the house should be with
her, and not drop in one by one after the guests' arrival. The
gentleman of the house should also be present, and in case it is a
strictly gentleman's party, at which no hostess presides, he must
be all ready before the appointed time to do the honors.
On guests being announced, the lady advances a few steps towards
them, and should receive them cordially with some words of
welcome.
The hostess must never betray any chagrin at the lateness of a
guest, but try to place the unfortunate last arrival as much at
ease as possible by her cordial welcome and unembarrassed manner.
Before all the guests have arrived the lady should have made her
arrangements as to what gentleman and lady are to go in to dinner
together, and before dinner is announced the gentlemen of the
party should be informed what lady they are to escort to the
table.
The gentleman of the house offers his arm to the lady most honored
amongst the guests, the gentleman most distinguished offers his
arm to the lady of the house.
Gentlemen give the left arm to a lady, excepting military officers
in full dress, who give the right arm, as the sword is
inconveniently worn for offering the left. In all other cases the
right arm must be left free.
The order of procession being settled, the company move according
to it from the drawing-room to the dining-room, as soon as dinner
is announced.
The host sits at the bottom of the table, the hostess at the top.
At the right of the host is placed the lady he escorted from the
drawing-room, and at the right of the hostess her escort. The next
place of honor is at the left of the hostess.
It is a good plan, and rapidly becoming an established custom, to
have small cards with the names of the guests written upon them,
laid upon the plate at each seat. Each one thus taking the place
assigned prevents confusion, and gives the hostess the privilege
of placing near to each other the guests who will prove mutually
agreeable.
Gentlemen should stand behind their respective chairs until all
the ladies are seated, and then take their own seats, being
careful that their chairs do not stand upon the dresses of the
ladies beside them.
Seats having been apportioned to all, grace is said, by a
clergyman if there is one present, if not, by the host. The
clergyman should be invited to say grace by the host.
If the dinner is _a la Russe_, there will not be any carving done
on the table itself.
If the party is small, mere _en famille_, the hostess will have a
dish before her, the contents of which will have to be carved. The
gentleman on her right hand should in that case offer to carve for
her, but if she declines, should not press the offer. Many ladies
are excellent carvers, and like to appear so.
There is no space in our little volume for directions upon
carving, nor do they form any portion of the art of etiquette. All
that etiquette has to say on the subject is that you must not
stand up to carve; you must not pursue the bird, joint or whatever
the meat may be, all round the dish; nor should you comment upon
the age of the fowl, the toughness of the meat or your own
awkwardness in carving. If you really do not understand it, do not
attempt it; say so and let the waiter cut it up.
Never be helped twice to soup or fish, and indeed it appears low
bred to be twice served to any one dish. You may refuse either
soup or fish, but make no comment if you do, as to your liking or
dislike for the dish, nor is it incumbent upon you to state that
"soup does not agree with you," or that "fish always make you
ill;" any such remarks are rude. Simply to say "no, thank you," in
refusing a dish, is all the reply that strict etiquette will allow
upon the subject.
No remarks should be made by the host or hostess on the refusal of
a guest to partake of a proffered dish. Pressing the food upon a
guest with "Oh, do take some," or "You must, it was made by so-
and-so," or indeed any remark upon the repast, is not only
annoying to the guest, but a proof of low-breeding in the
entertainers. There is a sort of hospitality about it, but it is a
rough barbarism. Who does not remember the description of Bridget
Elias' hospitable _gaucherie_ in Charles Lamb's "Poor Relation,"
when urging the poor relation to eat with the speech: "Do take
some more; remember you do not get pudding every day."
Never should a host or hostess apologize for the fare set before
their guest. Such apologies are generally a mere fishing for
compliment, untrue and in entirely bad taste. In inviting his
friends to dinner, the host binds himself to set before them the
best his house and purse can afford, and if the fare is good the
guest will soon find it out, if bad, no apologies will make it any
better.
It is in bad taste to apologize to the waiters for the trouble
given them, and betrays a lamentable ignorance of the customs of
society. They are hired to wait upon the guests, and it is no
affair of those guests how they feel, as long as they discharge
their duty. To reprove a waiter is the height of ill-breeding.
Do not, when a dish is brought to you, say you prefer to be helped
after some one else. Accept or refuse what is offered to you, and
let the waiter pass the dish on. A gentleman, however, will see
that the lady he has escorted to the table is helped as she
wishes, before he attends to his own dinner, but to interfere with
the lady on the other side of him is all insult to her escort. He
may ask the lady under his care if she will be helped from any
dish offered him, before he accepts or declines for himself, and
will issue her orders for her to the waiter when she selects her
dinner.
A gentleman or a lady will always say "Thank you" to a waiter,
but nothing more.
A guest must never find fault with any dish placed before him, and
to appear to question the quality or freshness of the viands by
smelling or fastidiously tasting them, is a positive insult to the
gentleman who has invited him to his table.
A host or hostess may never find fault before their guests,
neither with the dinner, with the servants, nor with each other.
Burnt soup, fish boiled to rags, underdone vegetables, heavy
pastry, must be endured with smiling equanimity. No scowl must
greet the crash that announces the fall of a tray of the finest
glass, no word of remonstrance greet the deluge of a plate of soup
over the tablecloth. If care has not been taken to secure first-
rate cooks and well-trained waiters, the faults of omission and
commission must be endured with placid serenity.
After the ladies have all been served, the guests to the right of
the hostess must be attended to, then the guest on her left, and
so on until all are served. Ten persons are all that one cook can
properly prepare a dinner for, and three waiters will be amply
employed in waiting upon that number. If more are invited the
attempt to make the conversation general had better not be made,
but the guests allowed to converse _tete-a-tete_.
Wine should be handed by the waiters after soup. To decline wine
by covering the mouth of the wine-glass with the hand is an ill-
bred gesture. Say simply "Not any, thank you," and the waiter will
not fill your glass.
Fish follows next in order. A slice, neatly _cut_, not hashed up
by bad carving, should be placed upon each plate, with a slice of
egg, and fish sauce. If there be a silver knife, use it to cut the
fish. If not, take your fork in your right hand and supply the
place of the knife by a small piece of bread, which you should cut
off, and when your fish is eaten, leave upon your plate.
Do not eat as if you had good fare for the first time in your
life--that is to say, do not eat ravenously, and do not eat in a
noticeable way.
Never smack the lips when eating.
Never take a long, deep breath after you finish eating, as if the
exercise had fatigued you.
Never make noises in your mouth or throat.
Never suck your teeth, or pass your tongue round the outside of
your gums.
Never, even with cheese, put your knife into your mouth.
Never pick your teeth, or put your finger into your mouth.
If you find you have a fish-bone in your mouth, cover your lips
with a napkin to remove it. It is better to be very careful to
remove all bones before putting fish into your mouth. On no
account spit the bones out upon your plate.
Never take the bones of fowl or birds up in your fingers to gnaw or
suck them. Remove the meat with your knife, and convey it to your
mouth with your fork, never being too eager to clean off every
particle of flesh.
Wipe your finger tips, if soiled, upon the table napkin, never
upon your tongue or the table-cloth. An elegant eater will never
have occasion to think of his fingers.
Never use the table-cloth to wipe your mouth, you might as well
use it in place of your pocket handkerchief.
Never remark upon what is placed before you, either in praise or
dispraise of it.
Neither drink nor speak when you have anything in your mouth.
When you are helped, begin to eat, without regard to those who
have already, or have not yet, been helped.
Never watch the dishes as they are uncovered, nor make any
exclamation when you see their contents.
Under no circumstances tuck your napkin, bib-fashion, into your
shirt collar. Unfold it partially and put it in your lap, covering
your knees. A lady may slip a corner under her belt if there is
danger of its slipping upon her dress, but a gentleman must be
awkward indeed if he lets his napkin fall upon the floor.
No gentleman will ever settle himself in his chair, pushing back
his cuffs, as if for a "set-to," at the table.
If you make any general remark, do not look up at the waiters to
see what effect it has upon them. If they are well-trained they
will not move a muscle at hearing the most laughable story, nor
will they give any sign whatever that they have not closed their
ears like deaf adders to all that has been going on. In any case,
however, you must refrain from noticing them.
If you want anything, take the occasion of a waiter being near to
you, to ask for it in an undertone. To shout out "Waiter!" or
order one about, as if you were in a restaurant, is a certain mark
of ill-breeding.
Unless the party is a very small one, general conversation is
impossible. In such a case, you must converse with those on either
side of you, not confining your remarks exclusively to one.
Talk in a low, quiet tone, but never in a whisper.
To affect an air of mystery or secrecy at a dinner-table, is an
insult to your companion and company assembled.
It is in bad taste to force the attention of the company upon
yourself by loud talking or loud laughing.
Too many jokes or anecdotes are in bad taste, but the subjects for
conversation should not be too serious.
Any gentleman propounding a conundrum at the dinner-table deserves
to be taken away by the police.
To use one's own knife, spoon or fingers, instead of the
butterknife, sugar-tongs or salt-spoons, is to persuade the
company that you have never seen the latter articles before, and
are unacquainted with their use.
Never eat all that is on your plate, and above all never be guilty
of the _gaucherie_ of scraping your plate, or passing your bread
over it as if to clean it.
Never fill your mouth so full that you cannot converse; at the
same time avoid the appearance of merely playing with your food.
Eat in small mouthfuls, and rather slowly than rapidly.
If upon opening fruit you find it is not perfect, or there is a
worm in it, pass your plate quietly and without remark to the
waiter, who will bring you a clean one.
None but a low-bred clown will ever carry fruit or _bon bons_ away
from the table.
Drinking wine with people is an old custom, but it will now-adays
be found to exist only among the past or passing generation. If
you are, however, asked to take wine with any one, you should fill
your glass with the same sort of wine your friend has, and raise
it to your lips. You need only taste, not act upon the principle
of "no heel-taps."
A man would be looked upon as a curiosity, nay, many would not
understand what he meant, who should at the present day propose a
"sentiment" before drinking wine.
Never spit from your mouth the skins of grapes, the stones or pips
of fruits. Receive them upon the prongs of your fork, laid
horizontally, and place them as conveniently as so inelegant a
process will allow upon the edge of your plate.
Never play with your fingers upon the table.
Never play with your knife and fork, fidget with your salt-cellar,
balance your spoon on your tumbler, make pills of your bread, or
perform any of those vulgar antics unfortunately too often seen at
table.
Never in conversation, illustrate your remarks by plans drawn upon
the table-cloth with your nail, or built of your knife, fork and
spoon.
Never stretch your feet out under the table, so as to touch those
of your opposite neighbor. It is quite as bad to put them up under
you upon the chair-bar, or curl them up under the chair itself.
Try to take an easy position at table, neither pressing closely up
to it, nor yet so far away as to risk depositing your food upon
the floor instead of conveying it to your mouth.
Never touch fruit with your fingers. If you wish to peel an apple,
a pear or a peach, hold the fruit on a fork in your left hand, and
peel with a silver knife in your right. Eat it in small slices cut
from the whole fruit, but never bite it, or anything else at
table. Need I say no fruit should ever be sucked at the table.
When the hostess thinks her lady friends have taken as much
dessert as they wish, she catches the eye of the principal among
them; an interchange of ocular telegraphing takes place, the
hostess rises, and with her all the company rise; the gentlemen
make a passage for the ladies to pass; the one who is nearest to
the door opens it, and holds it open until all the ladies have
passed out of the room.
As soon as the ladies have retired the gentlemen may resume their
seats for more wine and conversation, but it is a very poor
compliment to the lady guests to linger long in the dining-room.
The ladies upon leaving the dining-room, retire to the drawing-
room, and occupy themselves until the gentlemen again join them.
It is well for the hostess to have a reserve force for this
interval, of photographic albums, stereoscopes, annuals, new
music, in fact, all the ammunition she can provide to make this
often tedious interval pass pleasantly.
If you dine in the French fashion, the gentlemen rise with the
ladies, each offering his arm to the lady he escorted to dinner,
and all proceed to the drawing-room together.
If the gentlemen remain to have coffee served in the dining-room,
tea may be served in the drawing-room to the ladies.
Upon returning to the drawing-room the gentlemen should never
cluster round the door, but join the ladies at once, striving to
repay the hospitality of the hostess by making themselves as
agreeable as possible to the guests.
From two to three hours after dinner is the proper time to leave
the house.
If the dinner is for the gentlemen guests alone, and the lady of
house presides, her duties are over when she rises after dessert.
The gentlemen do not expect to find her in the drawing-room again.
In this case cigars may be served with the coffee, and then the
servants may retire, unless especially summoned to wait. If
smoking is indulged in, have placed upon the table a number of
small match boxes, ashes receivers, and between the chairs
spittoons. And here let me add a few words upon smoking taken from
an English authority, but which, with a few exceptions will apply
equally well to lovers of the weed upon this side of the water. He
says:
"But what shall I say of the fragrant weed which Raleigh taught
our gallants to puff in capacious bowls; which a royal pedant
denounced in a famous 'Counterblast,' which his flattering,
laureate, Ben Jonson, ridiculed to please his master; which our
wives and sisters protest gives rise to the dirtiest and most
unsociable habit a man can indulge in; of which some fair flowers
declare that they love the smell, and others that they will never
marry an indulger (which, by the way, they generally end in
doing); which has won a fame over more space and among better men
than Noah's grape has ever done; which doctors still dispute
about, and boys get sick over; but which is the solace of the
weary laborer; the support of the ill-fed; the refresher of
overwrought brains; the soother of angry fancies; the boast of the
exquisite; the excuse of the idle; the companion of the
philosopher; and the tenth muse of the poet. I will go neither
into the the medical nor the moral questions about the dreamy
calming cloud. I will content myself so far with saying what may
be said for everything that can bless and curse mankind, that in
moderation it is at least harmless; but what is moderate and what
is not, must be determined in each individual case, according to
the habits and constitution of the subjects. If it cures asthma,
it may destroy digestion; if it soothes the nerves, it may, in
excess, produce a chronic irritability.
"But I will regard it in a social point of view, and, first as a
narcotic, notice its effects on the individual character. I
believe then, that in moderation it diminishes the violence of the
passions, and particularly that of the temper. Interested in the
subject, I have taken care to seek instances of members of the
same family having the same violent temper by inheritance, of whom
the one has been calmed down by smoking, and the other gone on in
his passionate course. I believe that it induces a habit of calm
reflectiveness, which causes us to take less prejudiced, perhaps
less zealous views of life, and to be therefore less irritable in
our converse with our fellow-creatures. I am inclined to think
that the clergy, the squirearchy and the peasantry, are the most
prejudiced and most violent classes in this country (England);
there may be other reasons for this, but it is noteworthy that
these are the classes which smoke least. On the other hand, I
confess that it induces a certain lassitude, and a lounging, easy
mode of life, which is fatal both to the precision of manners and
the vivacity of conversation. The mind of a smoker is
contemplative rather than active, and if the weed cures our
irritability, it kills our wit. I believe that it is a fallacy to
suppose that it encourages drinking. There is more drinking and
less smoking in England than in any other country of the the
civilized world. There was more drinking among the gentry of last
century, who never smoked at all. Smoke and wine do not go well
together. Coffee and beer are its best accompaniments; and the one
cannot intoxicate, the other must be largely imbibed to do so. I
have observed among young bachelors that very little wine is drunk
in their chambers, and that beer is gradually taking its place.
The cigar, too, is an excuse for rising from the dinner-table,
where there are no ladies to go to.
"In another point of view, I am inclined to think that smoking has
conduced to make the society of men, when alone, less riotous,
less quarrelsome and even less vicious than it was. Where young
men now blow a common cloud, they were formerly driven to a
fearful consumption of wine; and this in their heads, they were
ready and roused to any iniquity. But the pipe is the bachelors
wife. With it, he can endure solitude longer, and is not forced
into low society in order to shun it. With it, too, the idle can
pass many an hour, which otherwise he would have given, not to
work, but to extravagant follies. With it, he is no longer
restless, and impatient for excitement of any kind. We never hear
now of young blades issuing in bands from their wine to beat the
watch or disturb the slumbering citizens, as we did thirty or
forty years ago, when smoking was still a rarity; they are all
puffing harmlessly in their chambers now. But, on the other hand,
I foresee with dread a too tender allegiance to the pipe, to the
destruction of good society, and the abandonment of the ladies. No
wonder they hate it, dear creatures! the pipe is the worst rival a
woman can have, and it is one whose eyes she cannot scratch out;
who improves with age, while she herself declines; who has an art
which no woman possesses, that of never wearying her devotee; who
is silent, yet a companion; costs little, yet gives much pleasure;
who, lastly, never upbraids, and always yields the same joy. Ah!
this is a powerful rival to wife or maid; and no wonder that at
last the woman succumbs, consents, and, rather than lose her lord
or master, even supplies the hated herb with her own fair hands.
"There are rules to limit this indulgence. One must never smoke,
nor even ask to smoke, in the company of the fair. If they know
that in a few minutes you will be running off to your cigar, the
fair will do well--say it is in a garden, or so--to allow you to
bring it out and smoke it there.
"One must never smoke, again, in the streets--that is, in
daylight. The deadly crime may be committed, like burglary, after
dark, but not before.
"One must never smoke in a room inhabited at times by the ladies;
thus, a well-bred man, who has a wife or sister, will not offer to
smoke in the dining-room after dinner.
"One must never smoke in a public place, where ladies are or might
be; for instance, a flower-show or promenade.
"One may smoke in a railway-carriage, in spite of by-laws, if one
has first obtained the consent of every one present; but if there
be a lady there, though she give her consent, smoke not. In nine
cases out of ten, she will give it from good nature.*
*In America, cars are especially provided for smokers, and no
gentleman will violate etiquette by smoking in any other.
"One must never smoke in a close carriage; one may ask and obtain
leave to smoke, when returning from a pic-nic or expedition, in an
open carriage.
"One must never smoke in a theatre, on a race-course, nor in
church. This last is not, perhaps, a needless caution. In the
Belgian churches you see a placard announcing: "_Ici on ne mache
pas du tabac._'
"One must never smoke when anybody shows an objection to it.
"One must never smoke a pipe in the streets.
"One must never smoke at all in the coffee-room of a hotel.
"One must never smoke, without asking permission, in the presence
of a clergyman.
"But if you smoke, or if you are in the company of smokers, and
are to appear afterwards in the presence of ladies, you must
change your clothes to smoke in. A host who invites you to smoke
will generally offer you an old coat for the purpose.
"You must also after smoking rinse the mouth well out, and if
possible brush the teeth.
"You should never smoke in another person's house without leave,
and you should not ask leave to do so, if there are ladies in the
house.
"When you are going to smoke a cigar, you should offer one at the
same time to anybody present.
"You should always smoke a cigar given to you whether good or bad,
and never make any remark upon its quality."
At a gentleman's party it is the host alone who may call upon any
of the company for a toast, a speech or a song. No matter how much
others may desire it, they may never invite each other.
During the week following a dinner party, it is etiquette for each
guest to call upon the hostess, and it is rude to delay the call
more than a fortnight.
In concluding this chapter we give from a modern English work the
following bills of fare for dinners suiting the different seasons
of the year, which may be useful to young housekeepers:
MENUS OF FOUR CHOICE DINNERS, ADAPTED TO EACH SEASON OF THE
YEAR.
JANUARY.--(FOR TEN PERSONS.)
Consomme soup, with quenelles; Turbot, with Dutch sauce.
TWO REMOVES.--Braized fillet of veal, larded a la Chateaubriand;
Roast turkey, with puree of mushrooms.
FOUR ENTREES.--Oyster Kromeskys, a la Russe; Pork cutlets, sauce
Robert; Partridges, a la Prince of Wales; Supreme of fowls, a la
Macedoine.
SECOND COURSE.--Pintail; Snipes.
ONE REMOVE.--Fondu of Parmesan cheese.
FOUR ENTREMETS.-Salad, a la Rachel; Vol-au-vent of preserved
greengages; Plombieres cream iced; Braized celery with brown
sauce.
APRIL.-(FOR EIGHT PERSONS.)
Cray-fish soup; Spey trout, parsley sauce.
TWO REMOVES.--Boiled fowls, oyster sauce; Glazed tongue A la
jardiniere.
Two ENTREES.--Lamb cutlets, asparagus, peas; Boudins of rabbits, a
la Reine.
SECOND COURSE.--Lobster salad; Green goose.
FOUR ENTREMETS.--Orange fritters; Tapioca pudding; Wine jelly;
Potatoes a la Lyonnaise.
JUNE.--(FOR TWELVE PERSONS.)
Puree of green peas, soup; Stewed sturgeon, matelotte sauce;
Fillets of mackerel a la maitre d'hotel.
TWO REMOVES.--Roast fore-quarter of lamb; Spring chickens A la
Montmorency.
FOUR ENTREES.--Fillets of ducklings, with green peas; Mutton
cutlets a la Wyndham; Blanquette of chicken with cucumbers;
Timbale of macaroni a la Milanaise.
SECOND COURSE.--Pigeons; Leveret.
TWO REMOVES.--Flemish gauffers; Iced Souffle.
SIX ENTREMETS.-French beans, stewed; Mayonnaise of chicken; Peas a
la Francaise; Peach jelly with noyau; Love's wells glace with
chocolate; Flave of apricots and rice.
OCTOBER.--(FOR EIGHT PERSONS.)
Potage a la Julienne; Baked haddock, Italian sauce.
TWO REMOVES.--Braized neck of mutton, en cherveuil; Roast pheasant
a la Chipolata.
TWO ENTREES.--Pork cutlets, tomato sauce; Curried rabbit and rice.
SECOND COURSE.--Roast black-cock; Oyster omelette.
FOUR ENTREMETS.--Potatoes a la Duchesse; Blanc mange; Apple
tartlets; Semolina pudding.
MENU OF A FIRST RATE CHRISTMAS DINNER.
Turtle soup; Turbot a la Vatel; Fillets of sole a la Tartare.
THREE REMOVES.--Roast turkey, Perigueux sauce; Braized ham a la
jardiniere; Spiced round of beef.
FOUR ENTREES.--Marrow patties; Salmi of pheasants a la financiere;
Sweet breads a la Saint Cloud; Mutton cutlets a la Vicomtesse.
SECOND COURSE.--Woodcocks; Grouse; Mince pies; Plum pud ding.
SIX ENTREMETS.--Broccoli with Parmesan cheese; Italian creams;
Croute a l'Amanas; Salad a la Rachel; Meringues a la Parisienne;
Punch jelly.
BALLS.
THE form of invitations will be found on page 49.
An invitation to a ball should be sent out from two to three weeks
before the evening, and should be answered within a day or two of
being received.
As to the number of guests to be invited, no precise rules can be
laid down. The size of your room does not seem to be any guide.
The custom is to ask rather more than twice as many as your rooms
will hold; but one-third more will be enough, as it will allow of
disappointments at the last moment, even if all have accepted the
invitations. Besides, during the gayest of the season, the fashion
of going to several balls in one night necessitates ensuring the
presence of a sufficiently large number of guests all through the
evening. If you really wish for dancing, do not exceed the last
limits. If, however, your aim is to have the largest ball of the
season, a crush and crowd, to make a sensation, then invite your
entire visiting list, and endure the consequences.
A hundred guests constitute a "ball;" over that, a "large ball;"
under that, merely a "dance."
One of the first requisites of a ball-room is thorough
ventilation, especially if there is a prospect of a large number
of guests.
One of the most desirable points in a ball is to have a
beautifully arranged room. The floor must be well waxed, and
perfectly even, and it is well to draw a cord across two-thirds of
it, not admitting more than can dance inside the space so cut off
at once. The French make their ball-rooms perfect flower-gardens.
Every comer has its immense bouquet; the walls are gracefully
wreathed; bouquets, baskets, and exquisitely decorated pots of
growing plants are placed in every available place. The
staircases, landings, and supper-room are all filled with floral
treasures, harmonizing with fine effect with the brilliant lights
and gay the dresses of the ladies. It adds to the effect to
conceal the musicians behind a screen of evergreen and flowers.
The dressing-rooms should be provided with two servants apiece,
and small cards, with the names of the invited guests upon them,
should be in readiness to pin to the wraps of each one.
In each dressing-room, have plenty of water, soap, and towels upon
the washstand, several brushes and combs, small hand-mirrors, pin-
cushions well filled, and stick pomade upon the bureau. The
ladies' room should also have hair-pins, a work-box in readiness
to repair any accidental rip or tear; cologne, hartshorn, and
salts, in case of faintness. The gentlemen's room should be
provided with a boot-jack, a whisk, and a clothes-brush.
No one should accept an invitation to a ball who cannot or who
will not dance. They are mere encumbrances. Nothing is more trying
to the feelings of a hostess than to see a number of wallflowers
ornamenting (?) her ball-room.
The hour at which one may go to a ball varies from ten o'clock in
the evening until daybreak. Any one who attends several balls in
one evening will, of course, find it impossible to appear at an
early hour at each one.
The lady of the house--who should, if possible, know the name of
everybody who enters the room--must stand near the door, so as to
receive her guests, to each of whom she must find something to
say, no matter how trifling. The host must also be near, to
welcome arrivals, and the sons to introduce people. The young
ladies must see that the dances are kept up, and should not dance
themselves till they have found partners for all their friends.
They may with perfect propriety ask any gentleman present to be
introduced to a partner, and he is bound to accept the invitation;
but the lady must be careful whom she asks. Many present may be
entire strangers to her. Miss A. has brought her betrothed; Miss
B. introduces her cousin, Captain ---, on a short leave of absence
from his regiment in Texas; Miss C. presents her brother, just
returned from California; Miss D. begs leave to introduce a cousin
on a short visit to the city; Miss E., a belle, has informed a
dozen or two of her admirers where they may bow to her on the
evening of the ball. All these strangers bow to the hostess, and
must be provided with partners. The "Man in the Club Window" says:
"I have known a case where a distinguished-looking young man,
having declined the lady's invitation to dance, but being pressed
by,' I can't make up the lancers without you,' somewhat
reluctantly accepted, performed his part so well that his partner
was quite _eprise_ with him, and even ventured on a little
flirtation. You can imagine her dismay when, a little later in the
evening, she saw her charming acquaintance carrying up a pile of
plates from the kitchen to the supper-room. For the first time in
her life, she had danced with an occasional waiter."
If a gentleman act as escort to a lady, he must call at her house,
at the hour she appoints, with a carriage, and he is expected to
send a bouquet in the course of the afternoon. Upon reaching the
house of the hostess for the evening, he must escort his fair
charge to the dressing-room, leave her at the door, make his own
toilet as rapidly as possibly, and return to meet the lady at the
dressing-room door again, escort her to the ball-room, and at once
to the hostess. She is obliged by etiquette to dance the first
dance with him; but after that, he may with propriety allow her
liberty to select other partners, always watching, however, to see
that she is never neglected. He must be her escort to supper, and
ready at any moment to leave the ball-room to escort her home
again.
If a gentleman is unaccompanied by a lady, he must invite one of
the ladies of the house for the first dance, and yield gracefully
if she declines on the plea of want of room or partners for all
her guests, consenting smilingly if she requests him to lead out
the homeliest and most awkward of her wall-flowers.
The music must be first a march, then a quadrille, a polka, a
waltz, a galop, and so on, with two or three round dances to each
quadrille, until fourteen dances are completed, when another march
announces supper. Seven to ten dances may follow supper. Each
guest must be provided with a ball-card with a printed programme
of the dances, and space for the engagements upon it, and a tiny
pencil attached to it. Many ladies carry their own engagement-
card; but they must depend upon the programme for the order of
dances. The fashion of hanging a few printed programmes in the
room is not considered _en regle_.
The supper-room must be thrown open at midnight, and remain open
until the ball closes. It is, however, an extreme of bad taste and
low breeding for gentlemen to cluster round the table in groups
and remain there. It is one of the duties of the hostess to see
that no young lady loses her supper for want of an escort to the
slipper-room. If there are no young gentlemen in the family, she
must request one of her guests to go to the rescue of the forlorn
maiden.
No gentleman must wait until the music has commenced before
selecting his partner.
A lady who declines dancing on the pretext of fatigue must dance
no more, unless she has said she wished to rest for that dance
alone.
If a lady decline dancing with a gentlemen, it is rude for him to
turn from her to another lady who has heard the refusal, and
invite her to dance. If the first lady has a prior engagement, he
must seek another partner in another part of the room; if she
refuses from fatigue or a disinclination to dance that set, it is
a compliment to her for him to remain beside her, and endeavor to
entertain her while the dance is in progress.
A lady should never give her bouquet, gloves, and fan to a
gentleman to hold during a dance, unless he is her husband,
brother, or escort for the evening.
A gentleman, in waltzing with a young lady, must never encircle
her waist until the dance actually commences, and drop his arm
from around her as soon as the music ceases. American gentlemen
would do well to study the waltz with a German teacher, as they
understand more perfectly than any others the most delicate way of
dancing this objectionable dance, and, above all, how to hold a
lady lightly and firmly without embracing her.
When a lady expresses a desire to sit down before the close of a
dance, it is exceedingly rude for a gentlemen to insist upon a
continuation of the dance. He must escort her to a seat at once,
and then express his regret at the interrupted pleasure. She may
with propriety release him to seek another partner, but it is a
poor compliment for him to accept the proposal.
A gentleman should never invite a lady to be his partner in a
dance with which he is not perfectly familiar. It is tiresome in
the extreme to guide a partner through a dance, and the ballroom
is not a dancing-school for practice.
If a gentleman takes a lady's seat during a dance, he must rise
from it as soon as the dance is over, not waiting for her to
actually return to it, as she may hesitate to do if she sees that
it is occupied.
No lady must enter or cross a ball-room unescorted.
No lady may refuse to be introduced to a gentleman at a private
ball; but at a public ball she may with perfect propriety refuse
any introduction made by the master of ceremonies, or by mere
acquaintances.
Confidential conversation in a ball-room is in extreme bad taste.
Do not be too particular about dancing. Taking steps in a
quadrille is out of date, all the figures being executed to a
graceful walk.
To remain too late at a ball is not well-bred, and seems to imply
that you are unaccustomed to such pleasures. Do not engage
yourself, therefore, for the last two or three dances.
No gentleman should take the vacant seat next to a lady unless he
is acquainted with her, and not then without first asking
permission.
A gentleman must offer his arm, never his hand, to lead a lady to
and from the dance.
A lady must be very careful not to engage herself to two gentlemen
for the same dance, unless, for a round dance, she states: "I am
engaged for the first half of the waltz, but will dance the second
part with you." In that case, she must tell her first partner of
her second engagement, that she may not offend him when she takes
another partner after leaving him.
If a lady wishes to decline dancing, whether from dislike to the
gentleman who invites her, or from whatever cause, she must make
some excuse; but she must never refuse point blank, nor must she,
after having refused to dance with one gentleman, consent to dance
with another.
When introduced, it is sufficient for a gentleman to say to a
lady, "May I have the pleasure of dancing this waltz with you,
Miss C---?" or if the lady be engaged for the first dance
following the introduction, he may request the favor of putting
his name upon her engagement card for another.
A young lady should not dance more than twice with the same
gentleman, unless she wants to be noticed, or is indifferent
whether she be so or not.
A lady may consult her own pleasure about recognizing a ballroom
acquaintance at a future meeting.
Every gentleman must make a point of inviting the ladies of the
house to dance; and if he be kind, he will certainly devote
himself--for a portion of the evening, at least--to those ladies
for whom the May of life has bloomed and passed away, and who
generally sit round the room looking wistfully disconsolate.
After every dance following the announcement of supper, offer your
partner your arm, and invite her to the supper-room (at a ball,
refreshments are never handed round). Should she decline going, or
has already been there, take her back to her chaperon, or party,
and, procuring a seat for her, thank her for the pleasure the
dance has afforded you.
No lady should detain her partner long in the supper-room; she may
be thus forcing him to be guilty of the rudeness of breaking an
engagement with another lady for the following dance.
No gentleman should linger round the supper-table. Your hostess
invites you to a ball to dance, and be agreeable, not to haunt her
supper-room, as if you were starving.
Avoid all absence of mind, staring, listlessness, and other
eccentricities.
Never swing your arms about, and try to avoid being conspicuous in
any way.
Take the partner with whom you may happen to be dancing when
supper is announced to the supper-table, unless she has come with
a gentleman, in which case you must not usurp his privilege. If
she is disengaged, escort her to a seat in the supper-room, if
possible, and see that she is served with the dishes she selects.
Do not take your own supper at the same time; wait till the lady
has finished; then take her back to the ball-room, and repeat the
process, if necessary, with some other lonely damsel. When all the
ladies have been once to the supper-room, the gentlemen may think
of their own supper.
Gloves of white kid must be worn during the entire evening, and it
is well to have a fresh pair in readiness to put on after supper.
On quitting a ball, it is not necessary to take a formal leave of
the hostess. Indeed, it is preferable to make your departure as
quietly as possible, in order to prevent the others from thinking
it later than perhaps it is, and so breaking up the ball at an
earlier hour than the hostess may desire.
If a gentleman escorts a lady home from a ball, she is not obliged
to invite him to enter, and if she does so, he must decline the
invitation. He must, however, request permission to call the
following day or evening, and he must make that call.
A gentleman in a ball-room cannot be too careful not to injure the
delicate fabric worn by the ladies around him. Spurs are in bad
taste, even if a cavalry officer is otherwise in full uniform.
While one dance is in progress, it is not in good taste to make
arrangements for another.
It is a gross breach of etiquette on the part of either a lady or
a gentleman to forget a ball-room engagement.
It is not according, to etiquette for married people to dance
together at either a private or a public ball.
MORNING AND EVENING PARTIES.
PARTIES in the city comprise conversaziones, private concerts,
private theatricals, soirees, dramatic readings, tea-parties,
matinees--fact, almost any in-door gathering together of people,
exclusive of balls and dinner companies. In the country, small
dancing-parties, tea-parties, and conversaziones are also
comprised under the head of parties; but the outdoor occasions are
of much greater number and variety: croquet parties, sailing
parties, boating parties, pic-nics, private fetes, berrying
parties, nutting parties, May festivals, Fourth of July festivals
--in fact, anything that will give an excuse for a day spent in
out-door frolicking.
For a conversazione, under which head are included "Receptions"
and "At Homes," invitations should be sent out a week beforehand.
Conversation is, as the name implies, the principal occupation for
the time, and where literary people are gathered together, or
those engrossed in scientific matters, the sole one. For parties
of young people, however, the conversazione admits of music and
impromptu dances.
For all small evening parties, the host and hostess remain near
the door during the early part of the evening, to receive their
guests. Late comers, however, must not expect to find them still
nailed to this one spot, as, after the majority of the guests are
assembled, their duty is to circulate round the room and entertain
them. They should, however, be quick to observe any late arrivals,
and advance to welcome them as soon as possible. As the guests
enter the room, the hostess should advance a step or two towards
them, speaking a few words of cordial welcome, to the elder ladies
first, then to the younger ones, and finally to the gentlemen. If
the new comers are strangers to the rest of the guests, she must
introduce them at once to those present; if, however, there are
mutual friends present, it is their duty to leave the hostess
after a few minutes, that she may be free to receive her other
friends.
The hostess must remain constantly amongst her guests. For her to
fidget in and out constantly, as if cooking the supper, or
training the waiters, is a mark of low breeding. The most
perfectly well-bred hostess is the one who seems to have no
thought beyond the circle of her guests.
As many rooms as possible should be thrown open and supplied with
objects of interest in the arts and sciences. People of some
public note, whether for travel, art, learning, science, or any
attainment, are often placed upon exhibition at the conversazione.
If such a lion is invited, it is well to have others, even if of
lesser magnitude, to prevent too much attention being concentrated
upon one guest.
If a hostess sees that a _tete-a-tete_ conversation is becoming
dull, she must make it a trio by the introduction of some
sprightly third, or change the duet by substituting another
partner and carrying off one to introduce elsewhere. If, however,
any conversation seems to be animated and giving pleasure, neither
of the parties so engaged will thank the hostess for interruption.
If dancing is introduced, the etiquette of the ball-room is also
the etiquette for the evening party. It is best for the hostess to
provide a pianist, if she does not herself preside at the piano,
as it is excessively ill-bred to expect part of the guests to play
for the remainder to dance. Many good-natured people find
themselves thus victimized--invited "because they are always so
willing to play for dancing." It is a good plan in a dancing party
to have ices alone handed round once or even twice during the
evening, and a hot supper later, if at all. Ices, lemonade, cake,
confectionery, and fruits are, however, quite sufficient
refreshment for small parties.
If the evening of a party is stormy, the hostess should have a
waiter at the door, with a _large_ umbrella, to escort the guests
from the carriages to the house, or, better still, have an awning
stretched across the sidewalk.
If a party is mixed-conversation, music, and dancing, all forming
a portion of the evening's entertainment-it is the part of the
hostess to invite guests to sing and play, and she must be careful
not to overlook any amateurs in her invitations. If a guest
declines, it is in bad taste to urge the performance. If the lady
of the house is herself a good performer, she must play or sing
but once, and then after all others have been first invited. A
guest should only be invited to play once, unless at a generally
expressed desire of the remainder of the company.
It is best for amateur performers to learn a few pieces of music
without depending upon their notes, as, if they send or carry
notes, it is a hint that they expect to be invited to play; if
they do not, they are obliged to decline when invited.
It is excessively rude to converse loudly when any one is playing
or singing. If your companion does not cease talking, to listen,
converse in a very low tone, and withdraw from the immediate
vicinity of the performer. On the other hand, if you are invited
to play, do not wait for quiet in the room, nor exhibit any
annoyance if your most exquisite passages are drowned in the buzz
of conversation.
A gentleman who is a good pianist may, with perfect propriety,
offer his services to the hostess as orchestra for impromptu
dancing, or may offer to relieve any lady so engaged, to allow her
to dance. If, however, there are more ladies than gentlemen, and
he is needed to fill up a set, he must not insist upon playing,
but go where he is most needed.
Never offer to turn the leaves for any one playing unless you can
read music rapidly; otherwise you may confuse the performer by
turning too soon or too late.
Never offer to sing a second unless invited by the lady who is to
sing also. The hostess may wish her friends to hear a duet, which
will be disagreeable to the performers.
Members of the same family, cousins or other relatives, should not
keep together in general society. They can see each other on other
occasions, and the object of parties is to promote sociality, not
exclusiveness.
If you are asked to play an accompaniment, do not seek to display
your own talent, but play so as to afford the best support
possible for the voice singing. The same rule applies to a second
in any instrumental duet, which is never intended to drown the
sound of the leading instrument.
When the lady of the house invites any lady guest to sing or play,
the gentleman standing nearest to her should offer his arm to
escort her to the piano or harp. He should stand near her during
the performance of the music, and, if competent, turn the leaves
of her music. She may also request him to hold her gloves, bouquet
and fan. When she rises, he should conduct her to a seat, and
thank her for the pleasure she has given him and others.
It is ill-bred to comment upon the piano, even if shockingly out
of tune or worn out. To look at a six-octave piano and decline
playing because all your music is written for seven octaves, is
positively insulting to a hostess. If it is true, decline upon
some other pretext.
Private concerts and theatricals ought to be very good to be
successful. Professional singers should be secured for the former,
and if amateurs sing, they must be very confident of their own
powers before making the attempt to appear before an audience,
even of personal friends. Between the parts, conversation may
flow, but is rude in the extreme during the performances. The best
hours are from two to six or from eight to eleven P.M. The rooms
should be arranged so as to allow a clear space at one end for the
performers; the guests should be seated, and a general silence
prevail excepting during the intervals of the performance. If the
concert is divided into two parts, it is quite permissible to rise
during the intermission, promenade if agreeable, meet friends, and
change seats, being careful to be seated again when the
performance re-commences.
For private theatricals, only the best amateurs should be
retained. It is very rude to talk during the acts, and while
applause should not be too boisterous, disapproval by hissing or
otherwise is a thing unheard of. Ices and light refreshments
should be handed round between the acts. Where there is no
arrangement for a private theatre, and where the curtain is hung,
as is most common, between the folding-doors, the audience-room
must be filled with chairs or benches in rows, and, if possible,
the back rows raised higher than the others. These are often
removed at the close of the performance, and the guests then
converse or dance.
To beat time or hum the air at a concert is in extremely bad
taste.
It is the part of the hostess at a private concert and private
theatricals--which latter include charades, tableaux, proverbs,
and dramatic readings--to arrange the programmes and apportion the
parts, unless she appoints a stage-manager amongst her guests. The
performers should seek to aid her by perfect good-nature in
accepting her arrangements, and by willingness to accept any
allotted part, even if distasteful or obscure. All cannot be
first, and the performer who good-naturedly accepts a small part,
and performs it _well_, will probably be invited to a more
conspicuous position on the next occasion. The hostess or host
must never take conspicuous parts, unless they are solicited to do
so by all the rest of the _corps dramatique_.
Nothing but the most absolute necessity, or an excuse from some
very grave cause, should prevent the attendance of any one who has
undertaken a part. It is a positive insult to the rest of the
party to inconvenience them by remaining away upon some trivial
excuse, for the smallest part must be filled by somebody, and it
is not easy to furnish substitutes upon such occasions.
The hostess should consult each performer before allotting to them
a part, and endeavor to suit each one.
Private concerts and private theatricals should be followed by a
supper, as they are fatiguing for the performers, and oftentimes
as much so to the audience.
If a party are invited to an informal dramatic reading, it is not
necessary to divide the room, excepting by a large table, upon
which the books are placed. The host or hostess, while endeavoring
to give to each guest the most favorable opportunity to display
their own powers, should still, if they are good readers, be ready
to oblige their guests by reading also, carefully avoiding any
attempt to outshine them.
Matinees are usually held in the open air, in some good ground, in
which a brass band should be playing, and plenty of good flowers
displayed, embellished by the best dressed people it is possible
to assemble together. There are not any introductions; people
amuse themselves as best they can. Luncheon may be spread in-
doors, or upon tables under the trees, or if tents are erected,
inside of these. Fruits, ices, salads, cold meats, confectionery-
in short, any cold collation, with wine, tea, and coffee, should
be served. Full morning dress is most appropriate.
Croquet parties are very fashionable, and meet generally at about
three P.M. The host should be careful to have his grounds well
shaded, his mallets, balls, and other arrangements in perfect
order. Seats for such guests as are not playing should be
scattered about in shady places. Refreshments may be handed round
between the games, or arranged as for matinees.
Within the past few years, a species of entertainment of a past
generation has been revived in England, and some attempts have
been made to introduce it in this country. It was, and is, called
the "Kettledrum." Tea and coffee, with biscuit and cake, are
served round from five to half-past five. Any one in the visiting
circle of the house may go without an invitation; the dress is
full morning dress, and the guests dance until seven o'clock. From
them guests often go to dinner parties, and thence to balls, so
that a man may be considered to be in harness to society from five
P.M. to 4 A.M., and to be rather hardly driven, too.
Ceremony is laid aside upon these occasions, and people act with
greater freedom than at more formal gatherings.
In country parties, ceremony is often required, even upon
occasions where more freedom of action would be desirable.
Inattention to this matter may give offence, as the hostess may
fancy herself slighted merely because she is not city-bred.
Avoid in country parties treading upon delicate ground, talking of
local squabbles, church matters, or the acknowledged feud of the
village.
Be punctual to the time stated for any kind of a country party, as
one late arrival may delay the carriages, boats, or other
conveyances of an entire party. Many of these expeditions start at
a very early hour, to avoid the road during the heat of the day,
and if you accept the invitation, you must relinquish your morning
nap and appear at the appointed time. Seek out the hostess upon
your arrival, and if you can in any way assist her, either by
running for tardy servants, packing luncheon hampers, arranging
the order of vehicles, or any other _last_ duties, do so with
alacrity.
Private fetes in the country correspond to matinees in town, and
the same rules apply.
At pic-nics, whether water or land parties, etiquette is set at
naught; yet the true gentleman and lady will never leave true
courtesy and politeness at home, even if they lay aside forms and
ceremonies. Everybody is to enjoy the time and freedom as much as
possible, "within the limits of becoming mirth;" yet an act of
rudeness, a disregard of the gentle and delicate attentions of
society, will never increase the pleasure.
Gentlemen at pic-nics must consent to become waiters, guides,
servants to the ladies; must "scale mountains," climb trees,
perform any feats desired by the fair tyrants, if they fancy "that
lovely flower," or "exquisite bunch of sea-weed," in impossible-
to-get-at places. If on a fishing party, it is the gentlemen's
place to bait the hooks for the fair anglers, to assist them in
landing their prey, to find them shady nooks for seats, and in
every way to assist them. If nutting or berrying are the objects
of the party, the gentlemen must climb the nut-trees, seek out the
berry-bushes, carry double allowances of baskets and kettles, and
be ready for any assistance required in climbing fences or
scrambling over rocks. By the way, the etiquette for climbing a
fence is for the gentleman to go over as gracefully as possible,
turn his back upon the lady, and not look round until she claims
his hand to spring from the topmost bar. She will not thank him if
he insists upon shoving her over first, or watches her while she
climbs up.
Boisterous deportment is not in good taste. Even the most romping
games may be conducted as becomes ladies and gentlemen, not as
clowns. Couples should avoid straying too long or too far from
their companions.
Even if the luncheon or dinner is spread on the grass, or eaten
out of a basket, gentlemen will see to the comfort of the ladies
before eating themselves, and, need I say, the freedom from the
restraints of the table affords no excuse for gluttony or rudeness
of any description.
On returning from a pic-nic, the thanks of the party are due to
the originators of it, and should be paid by each one before the
company disperses.
Singing a comic song is a dangerous experiment, as you may be
personal without intending it. An English lady of rank, speaking
of an evening party, says: "At an evening party, given expressly
in honor of a distinguished lady of color, we heard a thoughtless
amateur dash into the broadly comic, but terribly inappropriate'
nigger' song of' 'Sally, Come Up.' Before he had got through the
first verse, he had perceived his mistake, and was so overwhelmed
with shame that he could scarcely preserve sufficient presence of
mind to carry him through to the end."
A modern writer of talent says: "Your pleasure at any party will
depend far more upon what you take with you into the room than
upon what you find there. Ambition, vanity, pride, will all go
with anxiety, and you will probably carry them all home again,
with the additional burden of disappointment. Even if they are all
gratified, you will know that others are disliking you, even if
envious of you. To go with a sincere desire to please others by
amiability, good-nature and sympathy will probably result in your
own popularity, and if you entirely forget yourself, you will be
astonished to find how much others insist upon remembering you."
If at any morning or evening party you meet a distinguished guest,
it is ill-bred to follow him from one place to another, listening
to every word he utters, and making him have the uncomfortable
sensation of being "stared at."
Impromptu charades are a very popular amusement at the present
day, at both in-door and out-door parties. If you have no talent
for them, you will only confuse others and make yourself appear
absurd by insisting upon taking a part; but even if you are dull,
do not refuse your assistance if it is really required, trying, by
tact and modesty, to cover up any deficiency in wit or talent.
The best rule for the management of parties, be they in-door or
out-door, morning or evening, city or country, is to endeavor to
find out the wishes of the majority of the guests and act upon
that knowledge. To force a large party of people to listen to
awkward, bungling charades, because two or three amateur actors
desire to "show off," proves a want of tact in the hostess; to
allow a few young people to guide the entertainments in a large
assembly of older and graver ones, is in equally bad taste; it is,
of course, better to assemble together as far as possible only
those who are likely to be congenial and interested in the same
subjects; but this is not always possible, and where the company
is mixed, the republican spirit should preside, and the "majority
rule."
One word of warning to all who give parties. You can never tell
what ruin may be commencing when you urge wines or intoxicating
beverages upon your young guests. You may be the first to
stimulate the appetite; you may renew a passion that has been
subdued; you may turn a wavering will from the hardly gained
resolution to abstain. There are instances, not a few, but many,
where the love of liquor, conquered and subdued, has been revived
in fiercest heat by cordials, brandied peaches, wine-sauces, and
similar apparently innocent refreshments. It is better to appear
mean than to tempt to ruin, and in these days of temperance
movements, no lady will be censured or misunderstood who banishes
every drop of intoxicating liquor from her table.
VISITING.
NEVER pay any visit upon a general invitation. The Spanish
hidalgo, who declares to you that his house, lands, all that he
has, are yours, would be greatly surprised if you appropriated any
of his things. It is the same thing, more or less, with people
elsewhere who give people general invitations to take up their
quarters in their houses.
There are instances of visits of a month's duration being made
upon the invitation, "If you visit B---, I hope that you will not
forget that I reside there, and will be very happy to see you."
Yet, even where friends are not newly made, but of long standing,
it is best not to pay visits unless by special invitation. A
thousand events may occur to render it inconvenient for one friend
to have company that cannot be known to another, hundreds of
miles, perhaps, away. If a friend really desires to extend
hospitality to another, she will send her an invitation, which can
be accepted with the prospect of mutual convenience and pleasure.
Even in travelling, if you are unexpectedly detained in a city
where you have friends, do not drive to their house uninvited. Go
first to a hotel, and let them know of your arrival, leaving it
optional with them to extend hospitality. To drive at once to the
house, with your baggage, forces an invitation, which may cause
much annoyance and inconvenience, even if they are really glad to
see you, and it also renders you liable to be accused of meanness
and a desire to save your hotel bill. If you are afraid your
friends will feel hurt if you do not "make their house your home,"
at least write to them and ascertain if they can conveniently
receive you as you pass through their city. Even with relatives,
it is better to announce your coming, that your hostess may so
arrange her engagements and household as to leave her time to
really enjoy your visit.
A special invitation should specify who is invited, and no one not
mentioned should go. "Love me, love my dog," is a proverb that
will not apply in such cases. A person who is invited to visit at
a friend's house is not at liberty to bring children and servants
who were not included in the invitation. A wife may, of course,
accompany her husband, unless there be special reason to the
contrary, and a husband must always have the opportunity of
accompanying his wife, or joining her.
If the length of your visit is not specified in your invitation, a
week is a good limit for your stay. At all events, make a move at
the end of that time, and if you are invited to stay longer, and
know that it is convenient for you to do so, the time can then be
definitely decided upon.
When you receive an invitation by letter, answer it at the
earliest possible moment, and say decidedly whether you accept or
decline it. To leave your friends in doubt may prevent the same
invitation being extended to others. As soon as possible after
accepting an invitation, write and let your friends know by what
train to expect you, and keep your engagement, that you may not
keep any one waiting for you at the station for nothing. If you
are unavoidably detained, write or telegraph and say so, naming
another hour for your arrival.
In inviting a friend to pay you a visit, name a season when will
you will be able to devote most of your time to their
entertainment. Have always a room devoted especially to your
guest, and be sure that no one intrudes there without a special
invitation, and never enter it yourself without an invitation to
do so. Before the arrival of a guest, see yourself that the room
is in perfect order, well warmed if in winter, shaded and cool if
in summer; let there be every convenience for bath and change of
dress, and writing materials and stamps ready to write if desired
before unpacking. Have always a feather bed and mattress, both
feather and hair pillows upon the bed, that your guest may have
the choice. Many prefer feathers in the warmest weather, others a
mattress even in winter. Let the fire, in winter, be made every
morning before your guest rises, and keep a good supply of fuel in
the room.
It is the duty of the host to send a carriage to the depot to meet
an expected visitor, and if possible to go himself. After a warm
welcome, show the guest at once to the room prepared, and give
ample time for a bath and change of dress, if it is in the day
time. If the arrival is late in the evening, have a substantial
supper prepared, and then allow the traveller to retire, being
careful that on the first arrival the breakfast can be ready at a
late hour, that your friend may not be disturbed to breakfast with
the family.
It is the duty of the hostess to share the meals of a guest, no
matter how irregular; but any truly polite person will pay strict
attention to the customary meal times.
When staying with friends, endeavor as much as possible to conform
to their regular habits. Be punctual at meal times. Ascertain
over-night the hour for breakfast, and be particular to be dressed
in time for it. After breakfast, it is customary to leave visitors
to their own devices, unless some special arrangement is made for
the forenoon; but the hostess should introduce her guests to the
piano, billiard-table, portfolios library-any device for passing
time at her command; and the visitor should accept this hint, and
expect no further attention during the forenoon.
It is, however, the duty of the host and hostess to accompany
their guests to any points of interest in their city or
neighborhood, to accompany them if they desire to do any shopping,
and if they have any special habit, as rising late, napping in the
afternoon, or other little self-indulgence, to see that they are
never disturbed in it.
It is also a kindly courtesy, if your friends have acquaintances
ill the city beside yourself, to inform them of their arrival,
even if strangers to yourself, and invite them to call, dine, or
take tea during the visit. If you give your guests a party, you
must invite all their friends in the city, even if they are
strangers to yourself. Invite them in your guest's name, enclosing
your own invitation in theirs.
Host and hostess should give up as much of their time as possible
to their guests, and should see that they are amused and taken
care of. It is a mistake, however, to suppose that visitors
require constant attention, and they should be careful not to
"bore" them by over-attention, which savors of fussiness. A guest
will often under such circumstances long for a lonely hour to
devote to music, reading, or sewing, but does not like to express
the desire.
The truest courtesy is for the host to make his visitor feel as
much at home as possible, and for the visitor to disturb the
host's household as little as possible.
Where a lady is visiting, she may with perfect propriety offer to
assist her hostess in her household duties or family sewing; but
if she declines, it is bad taste to insist. She should, however,
leave her hostess free for such duties in the morning, being
always ready to join her in the sitting-room when she is at
leisure.
It is a graceful way to acknowledge the kindness of your hostess
to work whilst with her upon some piece of embroidery, a
pianocover, a sofa-cushion, or some article of dress, which you
present to her when finished as a memento of your visit.
For a guest to make outside engagements, disregard the meal times,
visit without consulting the host or hostess, is to treat the
house of a friend as if it were a hotel, and is not only rude, but
positively insulting.
It is best, if you are visiting a large city, and desire to do
shopping or to transact business, to select the hours when you
know your entertainers are otherwise engaged for such business,
and not tax them to accompany you, unless they have similar
affairs requiring attention, when it may be pleasanter to have
company.
Neither hostess nor guest may accept any invitations which do not
include the other.
If either hostess or visitor is in mourning, the other must
decline all invitations during the visit, giving that as a reason.
It is always accepted in society as sufficient excuse.
If any sudden trouble comes into a house where you are visiting,
try to be of service. Let your friend feel that you have not
visited her for gayety alone, but are glad to sympathize in her
trouble. If sickness or death come, share the nursing, try to
relieve the hostess of some of her family cares, if it is only
taking the children into your own room or out for a walk; be ready
to do the shopping required for mourning, and take away every
painful detail you can. There is no comfort so great as a really
useful sympathizing friend in times of trouble; yet if relatives
come and require rooms, if you find you are a restraint and can be
of no use, it is the truest kindness to shorten your visit, and
leave the mourners free to comfort each other.
When visiting, never depend upon your host for writing or sewing
materials; but it is a delicate attention for you, if hostess, to
have your guest's room amply supplied with both.
It is extremely rude for visitors to make comparisons between the
house at which they are visiting and others where they have
enjoyed hospitality. To inform your hostess indirectly that her
house, furniture, table, or servants are inferior to those of
other friends, is insulting, and it is as much so to cast the slur
upon the first house visited by vaunting the superiority of the
second.
To a certain extent, use your friend's servants as your own wholly
so as far as your own personal wants require their services. Ask
for whatever you want in your own room, and give any requisite
directions to the servant who waits upon you. Do not trouble the
mistress of the house with matters which in your own house you
would give to a servant. At the same time, avoid being
troublesome; put out your own washing, and any extra work you
require done, and never call upon the servants at hours when they
are otherwise employed.
If you are unfortunate enough during a visit to injure any article
of furniture in your own room, have it repaired or replaced at
once at your own expense.
It is a graceful compliment for a gentleman during a visit to
bring flowers, fruit, books, or confectionery occasionally to the
hostess, and a lady friend will be gratefully remembered if she is
kind to the children.
If a gift is made, it must be to the hostess, or if there are
several children, to the youngest. If children are over twelve years
old, it is better to give any present to the mother; but you will
never give offence by a gift to the baby. A gentleman may give baby
jewelry, and a lady a piece of handsome needlework. You may be sure
the parents will find no fault with this acknowledgment of their
hospitality.
Always hold yourself at the disposal of those in whose house you
are staying. If they propose to ride, drive, walk, or other wise
occupy the day, you must take it for granted that these plans are
made with reference to your enjoyment. You should receive them
with cheerfulness and enter into them with alacrity, doing your
best to seem pleased, and be pleased, by the efforts made to
entertain you. Never mind if it is the twentieth time you have
driven to "see the lovely view from the hill four miles from
here," or you have paid a dozen previous visits to "that beautiful
waterfall just above the lake;" you must find a new tree to
admire, or a new point to sketch every time you go.
It is not expected that the host or hostess can devote the entire
day to guests. Sir Walter Scott's conduct towards his guests at
Abbotsford furnishes a model of hospitality. He never saw them
till dinner; but whilst he was busily engaged in writing, he left
his house, servants, carriages, horses, and grounds at their
entire disposal.
Byron gives a perfect picture of guest life at a country house:
"The gentlemen got up betimes to shoot,
Or hunt; the young, because they liked the sport
The first thing boys like, after play and fruit;
The middle-aged, to make the day more short;
For ennui is a growth of English root,
Though nameless in our language-we retort
The fact for words, and let the French translate
That awful yawn which sleep cannot abate.
"The elderly walked through the library,
And tumbled books, or criticized the pictures,
Or sauntered through the garden piteously,
And made upon the hot-house several strictures;
Or rode a nag which trotted not too high,
Or in the morning papers read their lectures;
Or on the watch their longing eyes would fix,
Longing at sixty for the hour of six."
"But none were 'gene;' the great hour of union
Was rung by dinner's knell! till then all were
Masters of their own time-or in communion,
Or solitary, as they chose to bear
The hours,-which how to pass to few is known.
Each rose up at his own, and had to spare
What time he chose for dress, and broke his fast
When, where, and how he chose for that repast."'
In this country, hospitality is but seldom conducted on the lavish
broad scale possible at an English country residence; but, as far
as possible, it is better to allow guests perfect liberty for
breakfast hour and morning employments.
Great discretion must be used among guests to avoid all criticism
on their host, his friends, his household, his manner of living,
and all that concerns him. If anything goes wrong during the
visit, one should seem not to see it. If the dinner is late, it is
very impolite to appear impatient. If any plan falls to the
ground, no comments or disapproval must be indulged in, and no
disappointment betrayed. If the children of the house are
fractious, or noisy, or ill-bred, a visitor must never find fault
with their behavior.
The same caution must be exercised in the treatment of your
friend's friends. They may be such as you do not care to become
intimate with; but you must not evince dislike or special
avoidance, and must always have recourse rather to a negative than
a positive line of conduct. A person of tact can always keep
people at a distance without hurting their feelings.
Your host's horses, carriages, books, and grounds should be even
more carefully used than if they were your own. A goodnatured man
will delight in seeing his visitors enjoy all the good things he
places at their disposal; but they should not abuse his
indulgence. To ride a horse too far or too fast, to dog's-ear or
blot the books in the library, to gather choice and favorite
flowers, are all signs of an under-bred and selfish nature. Above
all, we should be thoughtful in our treatment of the servants,
never commenting upon their shortcomings, or scolding them.
The religious opinions, especially of those from whom we are
receiving hospitality, must on no account be shocked, scoffed at,
or in any way treated with a want of respect. If our friends go
regularly to church, we should accompany them there; or, without
remark, repair to the place of worship most agreeable to our own
religious convictions. If family prayers are read, we should
endeavor to be present. If silent grace is the custom at meal
times, our heads must also bow, and a short mental prayer be said.
If the Sunday is observed with great strictness, we should refrain
from any pursuits to which objection could possibly be made, even
if they appear to ourselves perfectly proper and innocent. In
short, we must remember that for the time the feelings and
prejudices of the host and hostess are our own.
There is no occasion when it is more necessary to remember that
social intercourse is made up of innumerable little acts of
kindness, self-denial, charity, chivalry, and good-fellowship,
than when a number of people find themselves thrown together for
companionship in the house of some mutual friend.
Letters delivered in the presence of the host or hostess, or when
the other guests are present, must not be opened until the
receiver asks permission to read them.
A lady may never offer to pay any of the expenses incurred by
taking her about--carriage hire, steamboat fares, or such outlay
nor must a gentleman do so unless he is the only gentleman of the
party. It will then be well for the hostess, before starting, to
hand him the necessary tickets previously purchased.
When a guest is ready to leave you, be sure that the trunks are
strapped and ticketed, a carriage ready in good season, a luncheon
prepared for refreshment upon the journey, a substantial meal
ready in good season for comfortable enjoyment of it, and the
departure made as pleasant as possible.
"Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest." It is the first
duty of the guest, after returning home, to write to the host or
hostess, expressing the pleasure derived from the visit, and
mentioning each member of the family by name, desiring to be
remembered to all.
STREET ETIQUETTE.
WHEN a gentleman recognizes a friend in the course of his walk, he
must lift his hat with the hand farthest from him. Lifting the hat
is a sufficient recognition between gentlemen; but in meeting a
lady, an old gentleman, or a clergyman, it is necessary to bow
also.
If a gentleman wishes to shake hands with a friend, he must lift
his hat with the left hand, leaving the right free to extend.
Never must he give his left hand, or extend a portion of the
right. The whole right hand is _en regle_.
A lady must recognize a gentleman, by bowing, before he is at
liberty to acknowledge an acquaintance with her. Should she bow,
he must lift his hat and bow also. If he is sufficiently barbarous
to have a cigar in his mouth, he must remove it while bowing to a
lady.
If a gentleman is walking with a lady, he should insist upon
carrying any book, parcel, or umbrella she may have with her.
No gentleman may smoke when walking with a lady. He should even
decline to do so though he may be asked to continue smoking.
Should a lady stop a gentleman to speak, she must make a slight
inclination of the head as a token of dismissal, and he must
accept it as such, bow, and leave her.
No lady will be guilty of the vulgarity of sucking the head of her
parasol in the street.
To eat anything, even confectionery, in the street, is a sign of
low breeding.
A gentleman must give a lady, an old gentleman, or clergyman with
whom he may be walking, the upper side (nearest the houses) of the
pavement.
If a gentleman meets a lady friend who is walking with any one he
does not know, he must not stop, nor must he stop if his companion
is unacquainted with a lady friend whom he may chance to meet. The
lady, however, has a perfect right to do as she likes. If she
should stop, the strangers must be introduced, and none of the
group should go on and wait, whether the introduction be agreeable
or not.
A lady should avoid walking very rapidly. It is very ungraceful
and unbecoming.
Swinging the arms is an awkward and ill-bred habit.
For a lady to run across the street, to avoid a carriage passing,
is not only ill-bred, but exceedingly dangerous.
To attempt to cross the street between the carriages of a funeral
procession is rude and disrespectful; and we cannot but commend
the foreign custom of removing the hat, and standing in a
respectful attitude until the melancholy train has passed.
When a gentleman is walking alone, he must always turn aside to
give the upper side of the pavement to a lady, to any one carrying
a heavy load, to a clergyman, or to an old gentleman.
Never push violently through a crowd. If a gentleman or lady is
really in haste, a few courteous words will open a passage more
quickly than the most vigorous pushing or shoving.
If a lady is caught in a shower, and a gentleman offers an
umbrella, she may accept it, if he is going in the same direction
as herself and accompanies her. If not, and he still insists,
etiquette requires the return of the umbrella as soon as the lady
reaches her destination. No lady may accept this courtesy from a
strange gentleman, but must decline it firmly, but politely.
Stopping to stare in the shop-windows is against the rules of
strict etiquette.
If a gentleman and lady are obliged to cross a narrow walk, plank,
or slippery place, the lady may go first, and the gentleman walk
close behind her, to aid her if needful. If the place is short,
then the gentleman should go first, and then offer his hand to
assist the lady across. If a gentleman meet a lady or old
gentleman at such a crossing, he may, with perfect propriety,
assist them in crossing, even if perfect strangers to him.
A gentleman must hold his hat in his hand if he stops to inquire
his own way, or to direct another.
If a gentleman sees a lady alone hesitating at a bad crossing, or
leaving a carriage at an awkward place, he may offer his hand to
assist her in crossing or alighting, raise his hat, bow, and pass
on. A lady may, with perfect propriety, accept such assistance
from a stranger, thanking him, and returning his bow.
If a lady leaves an omnibus or car alone, the gentleman nearest
the door should alight, assist her out, and enter the omnibus
again.
Gentlemen should always pass up the fare of ladies in an omnibus.
A lady is not expected to recognize any acquaintance on the
opposite side of the street.
In a public conveyance, a gentleman should offer his seat to any
lady who is standing, and the lady should thank him audibly for
the courtesy. To turn his back upon her at once, and thus force
her to accept the courtesy in silence or shout her thanks, is
rude. A polite bow exchanged is a sufficient acknowledgment.
Loud talking and laughing in the street are sure signs of
vulgarity.
Never look back after any one passing; it is extremely ill-bred.
Staring is a mark of low breeding.
Whispering in a public conveyance is excessively rude.
Never call out loudly to an acquaintance who may be passing.
"Cutting" is to be avoided, if possible. There are other ways of
convincing a man that you will not know him; yet, to young ladies,
it is sometimes the only means available to rid them of a
troublesome acquaintance. Cutting consists in publicly ignoring,
by deed, and, if need be, by word, the acquaintance of the
offensive person. A stiff bow will usually effect the desired
object; if not, a purposed non-recognition will probably succeed.
It must be a very bad case where it is necessary to tell one you
"have not the pleasure of an acquaintance" with them. A gentleman
must never under any circumstances, cut a lady; an unmarried lady
may not cut a married one, nor a young man an old one.
George IV., when Prince of Wales, once cut Beau Brummell, with
whom he had quarrelled. The pair met in St. James-street, each
walking with a companion; the companions stopped to speak, but the
Prince did not see Brummell. The latter, to be revenged, and
knowing the horror the Prince had of being considered corpulent,
said to his companion, in a stage whisper, before the others were
out of ear-shot, "Who is your fat friend?"
On meeting and passing people in the street, keep to your right
hand, except when giving the upper side of the pavement as before
mentioned.
Let a lady walking with a gentleman have always the upper side of
the pavement, even if he changes sides at every turning.
Young persons, meeting elderly friends in the street, should wait
for a recognition before speaking, and then bow respectfully. To
nod carelessly at an old person is rude, if not actually
insulting.
If you meet two gentlemen in the street, and wish to speak to one
of them, apologize to the other, and make the detention as brief
as possible.
If a gentleman is about to enter or to leave a store, and meets a
lady in the door-way, he must stand aside, raise his hat, and wait
for her to pass. If the door is closed, and she is going the same
way as himself, he must pass before her, bow, saying, "Permit me,"
or "allow me to open the door," open it, and hold it open until
she has passed.
A gentleman walking with a lady should endeavor to accommodate his
steps to hers, not force her to stride along or trot with short
steps or his long ones.
Etiquette is too often disregarded in that grand aim of most
ladies' excursions on the street--shopping. True politeness will
lead a lady to pay some attention to the feelings of the clerks
and women in attendance, and they are quick to observe who are
ladylike, and who are not, in their intercourse with them.
Do not enter a store unless you have some errand.
Ask for what you want as explicitly as possible, and do not take
the time of the attendants by examining fifty things that you do
not want.
If you do not intend to purchase goods, but wish to examine them
for future selections, say so.
Never try to cheapen goods. If the price is too high for the
quality offered, or will not suit your purse, look elsewhere for
what will better suit you.
Do not stand hesitating at a counter. Make up your mind quickly,
or leave the store to make your decision, even if you return
again.
Be careful not to injure goods by handling.
Never ask for patterns without apologizing for the trouble, and
not then unless you really intend to return for the goods, as when
you are shopping for a friend, or wish for the judgment or taste
of another person.
Never give unnecessary trouble.
It is best to have all bundles sent home; they are awkward
additions to a walking-dress, and boys are kept for that purpose
in all well-arranged stores.
Never keep a clerk waiting while you chat with a friend. If you
desire to speak with your acquaintances, stand aside, that the
clerk may understand he is released for the time, and free to wait
upon other customers.
Never call away a clerk who is waiting upon some one else. Wait,
if you have business with an especial clerk, until you see that he
is disengaged.
Sneering remarks upon goods is rude in the extreme. If they do not
suit you, you are not obliged to buy them; but spare your
comments.
Lounging over a counter is ill-bred.
Putting your elbows on a counter is rude.
Pushing aside another person is an act of ill-breeding.
You must never take hold of a piece of goods another person is
examining. Wait until it is replaced upon the counter, when you
are at liberty to take it up.
Stage asides or whispering in a store are rude.
It is rude to interrupt friends you may meet in a store, to ask
their attention to your purchases, before they have finished
making their own. It is as rude to offer your opinion, unasked,
upon their judgment or taste in selection of goods.
A gentleman walking with two ladies may offer an arm to each of
them, and they may thus sandwich him if they wish; but under no
circumstances may a lady take the arms of gentlemen at each side
of her.
If a gentleman is walking with two ladies in a rain-storm, and
there is but one umbrella, he should give it to his companions and
walk outside. Nothing can be more absurd than to see a gentleman
walking between two ladies holding an umbrella, which perfectly
protects himself, and sends little streams of water from every
point on the dresses of the ladies he is supposed to be
sheltering.
It is in bad taste to talk of personal matters in the street, or
to call loudly the names of persons you may mention. It is
impossible to say who may be near to you. To discuss friends by
name in a public conveyance of any kind is rude in the extreme.
If you meet a friend with whom you wish to shake hands, never put
out your own until you are quite near, as nothing looks more
awkward than hands extended to grasp each other two or three yards
apart.
Never turn a corner at full speed, or you may find yourself
knocked down or knocking down another by the violent contact.
Never bow from a store to a person on the street, or from the
street to a person in a store.
Never talk politics or religion in a public conveyance.
Never stop to quarrel with a hack-driver. Pay his fare, and
dismiss him; if you have any complaint to make, take his number,
and make it to the proper authorities. To keep a lady standing
while you are disputing with a hack-man is extremely rude.
It is a sign of ill-breeding to change your seat in a car or
omnibus. If you are unfortunate enough to have a neighbor who is
positively annoying and unendurable, it is better to get out and
take the next conveyance than to move to the other side. A
gentleman may move from a crowded side to one left comparatively
vacant; but a lady should not do this.
In a city, or in any lonely place, a lady must avoid being alone
after nightfall, if possible. It exposes her, not only to insult,
but often to positive danger. It is very much the custom in small
country places for two ladies to take evening walks; but it is
better to have the protection of a gentleman if convenient.
It is better for a lady to decline entering a car or an omnibus
that is already full. She must either stand up or force some
polite gentleman to do so. It is better to wait for the next
conveyance.
RIDING AND DRIVING.
THE rule of the road, both in riding and driving, is always to
"Keep to the right, as the law directs."
In inviting a lady to ride, if a gentleman cannot offer the use of
his own horses, or the lady does not name a horse to which she has
been accustomed, he must be careful to select one of proved
gentleness, and trained to the side-saddle and riding-skirt. It is
exceedingly dangerous to allow a lady to mount a horse which may
be entirely strange to a lady's hand or habit; and it is not well
to trust this important matter to a livery-stable keeper or
servant.
A gentleman must be punctual to the appointed time, as it is
disagreeable for a lady to sit waiting in-doors in a riding-habit.
The lady, too, must exercise strict punctuality, that the horses
may not become restive from long standing.
Arrived at the house of his fair companion, the gentleman must
carefully examine the entire furniture of her horse. He must test
the firmness of the saddle and girths, examine well the stirrup
leather, guard against the danger of any buckle allowing a tongue
of leather to slip, see that the curb, bridle, headstall, and
reins are in perfect order; for the entire control of the horse is
lost if one of these breaks or slips. Leaving these matters to the
stable-men entirely is unsafe, as the constant handling of the
harness is apt to make them careless in fastening and testing it.
It is the duty of the gentleman to see the lady comfortably seated
in the saddle before he mounts himself. Having first asked
permission, he leads her to the horse. A groom should not be
allowed to render any assistance, if a gentleman is present,
except ing to hold the horse's head. The lady stands, with her
skirt gathered in her left hand, on the near side of the horse,
her right hand on the pommel of the saddle, and her face turned
towards the horse's head, The gentleman should stand at the
horse's shoulder, facing the lady, and stoop so that her left foot
may rest in his hand. When the lady makes a spring, the gentleman
should, with gentle firmness, steadily and promptly help her foot
up; and when she is in the saddle, he should put her foot in the
stirrup, and smooth her skirt. It requires some practice to
properly assist a lady into the saddle. If the hand is not
perfectly steady, it is very unpleasant, and any jerking motion is
not only disagreeable, but positively dangerous.
After the lady is in the saddle, her escort should stand beside
her until she has arranged her skirt, got a firm foothold in the
stirrup, and has her reins and whip in order. He may then mount
his own horse, and take his position on the lady's right.
In riding with two ladies, if both are good horsewomen, the
gentleman should ride to the right of both; but if they are
inexperienced, it is better for him to ride between them, to be
ready to assist them if necessary.
A lady must always give the pace.
A gentleman must never touch a lady's horse unless she actually
requires his aid; but he should be very watchful and ready for the
most prompt attention if it is needed.
If a gentleman on horseback meet a lady who is walking, and stops
to speak to her, he must dismount until she bows and leaves him.
A gentleman must go forward whenever a gate is to be opened or an
obstruction to be removed, and clear the way for the lady; he must
leap first when there is a fence or ditch to be crossed; he must
pay all tolls; must first test any dangerous-looking place, and
must try to select the most desirable roads.
In dismounting, a gentleman must offer a lady his right hand,
taking her left, and using his own left as a step for her foot,
declining it gently as soon as she rises from the saddle, and
before she springs. To spring from the saddle is not only awkward,
but dangerous, and will often confuse a gentleman who is
accustomed only to the proper mode of assisting the ladies to whom
he offers his services as escort.
No gentlemen will force a lady to ride faster than, she may find
agreeable, by an endeavor to display his own horsemanship.
A gentleman must be careful to protect his lady companion from the
dust and mud, as far as possible; and if there is a choice of side
for shade, he may, with propriety, ride upon her left, or fall a
little behind her, to allow her to take advantage of it.
In riding with an elderly gentlemen, a younger man should extend
all the courtesies of the road, the shady side, the choice of
speed, the choice also of direction, and, if there be a
difference, the best horse.
In a carriage, where a coachman is outside, the seat on the right
hand, facing the horses, is the seat of honor, and should be given
to a lady, an elderly gentleman, or the guest.
In entering a carriage, be careful that your back is towards the
scat you wish to occupy.
The seat facing the horses is always left by gentleman for ladies.
If a lady and gentleman alone enter a carriage together, the
gentleman must take the seat opposite to the lady, unless she
invites him to sit beside her.
A gentleman be should careful, in entering a carriage, not to
trample upon ladies' dresses, shut their shawls in the door, or
commit any other gaucheries. It is quite an art to enter or leave
a carria
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