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Life in the Grey Nunnery at Montreal

by Sarah J. Richardson · English · Gutenberg #5734 · 591,346 chars · public domain (US)

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Title: Life in the Grey Nunnery at Montreal

Author: Sarah J. Richardson


        
Release date: May 1, 2004 [eBook #5734]
                Most recently updated: June 24, 2013

Language: English

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Credits: Text file produced by Gardner Buchanan with help from Charles Franks
        and Distributed Proofers
        
        HTML file produced by David Widger


*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK LIFE IN THE GREY NUNNERY AT MONTREAL ***




Produced by Gardner Buchanan with help from Charles Franks
and Distributed Proofers









LIFE IN THE GREY NUNNERY AT MONTREAL

An authentic narrative of the horrors, mysteries, and cruelties of
convent life by Sarah J. Richardson, an escaped nun.


By Sarah J Richardson


Edited by Edward P. Hood


[A long unsigned note of opinion on the veracity of this work has been
deleted per the policy of Project Gutenberg concerning such ammendations.}


TABLE OF CONTENTS

CHAPTER I     PARENTAGE--FATHER'S MARRIAGE
CHAPTER II    THE WHITE NUNNERY
CHAPTER III   THE NURSERY
CHAPTER IV    A SLAVE FOR LIFE
CHAPTER V     CEREMONY OF CONFIRMATION
CHAPTER VI    THE GREY NUNNERY
CHAPTER VII   ORPHAN'S HOME
CHAPTER VIII  CONFESSION AND SORROW OF NO AVAIL
CHAPTER IX    ALONE WITH THE DEAD
CHAPTER X     THE SICK NUN
CHAPTER XI    THE JOY OF FREEDOM
CHAPTER XII   STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND
CHAPTER XIII  LANDLADY'S STORY CONTINUED
CHAPTER XIV   THE TWO SISTERS
CHAPTER XV    CHOICE OF PUNISHMENTS
CHAPTER XVI   HORRORS OF STARVATION
CHAPTER XVII  THE TORTURE ROOM
CHAPTER XVIII RETURN TO THE NUNNERY
CHAPTER XIX   SICKNESS AND DEATH OF A SUPERIOR
CHAPTER XX    STUDENTS AT THE ACADEMY
CHAPTER XXI   SECOND ESCAPE FROM THE NUNNERY
CHAPTER XXII  LONELY MIDNIGHT WALK
CHAPTER XXIII FLIGHT AND RECAPTURE
CHAPTER XXIV  RESOLVES TO ESCAPE
CHAPTER XXV   EVENTFUL JOURNEY
CHAPTER XXVI  CONCLUSION

APPENDIX I    ABSURDITIES OF ROMANISTS
APPENDIX II   CRUELTY OF ROMANISTS
APPENDIX III  INQUISITION OF GOA--IMPRISONMENT OF
              M. DELLON, 1673
APPENDIX IV   INQUISITION OF GOA, CONCLUDED
APPENDIX V    INQUISITION AT MACERATA, ITALY
APPENDIX VI   ROMANISM OF THE PRESENT DAY
APPENDIX VII  NARRATIVE OP SIGNORINA FLORIENCIA
              D' ROMANI



TABLE OF CONTENTS

CHAPTER I PARENTAGE--FATHER'S MARRIAGE CHAPTER II THE WHITE NUNNERY
CHAPTER III THE NURSERY CHAPTER IV A SLAVE FOR LIFE CHAPTER V CEREMONY
OF CONFIRMATION CHAPTER VI THE GREY NUNNERY CHAPTER VII ORPHAN'S HOME
CHAPTER VIII CONFESSION AND SORROW OF NO AVAIL CHAPTER IX ALONE WITH THE
DEAD CHAPTER X THE SICK NUN CHAPTER XI THE JOY OF FREEDOM CHAPTER XII
STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND CHAPTER XIII LANDLADY'S STORY CONTINUED
CHAPTER XIV THE TWO SISTERS CHAPTER XV CHOICE OF PUNISHMENTS CHAPTER XVI
HORRORS OF STARVATION CHAPTER XVII THE TORTURE ROOM CHAPTER XVIII RETURN
TO THE NUNNERY CHAPTER XIX SICKNESS AND DEATH OF A SUPERIOR CHAPTER
XX STUDENTS AT THE ACADEMY CHAPTER XXI SECOND ESCAPE FROM THE NUNNERY
CHAPTER XXII LONELY MIDNIGHT WALK CHAPTER XXIII FLIGHT AND RECAPTURE
CHAPTER XXIV RESOLVES TO ESCAPE CHAPTER XXV EVENTFUL JOURNEY CHAPTER
XXVI CONCLUSION

APPENDIX I ABSURDITIES OF ROMANISTS APPENDIX II CRUELTY OF ROMANISTS
APPENDIX III INQUISITION OF GOA--IMPRISONMENT OF              M. DE
 APPENDIX IV INQUISITION OF GOA, CONCLUDED APPENDIX V INQUISITION AT
MACERATA, ITALY APPENDIX VI ROMANISM OF THE PRESENT DAY APPENDIX VII
NARRATIVE OP SIGNORINA FLORIENCIA              D' ROMANI




LIFE IN THE GREY NUNNERY.


CHAPTER I.

PARENTAGE.--FATHER'S MARRIAGE.

I was born at St. John's, New Brunswick, in the year 1835. My father was
from the city of Dublin, Ireland, where he spent his youth, and received
an education in accordance with the strictest rules of Roman Catholic
faith and practice. Early manhood, however, found him dissatisfied with
his native country, longing for other scenes and distant climes. He
therefore left Ireland, and came to Quebec.

Here he soon became acquainted with Capt. Willard, a wealthy English
gentleman, who, finding him a stranger in a strange land, kindly opened
his door, and gave him employment and a home. Little did he think that
in so doing he was warming in his bosom a viper whose poisonous fangs
would, ere long, fasten on his very heart-strings, and bring down
his grey hairs with sorrow to the grave. His only child was a lovely
daughter of fourteen. From what I have heard of her, I think she must
have been very beautiful in person, quiet, gentle and unassuming in
her deportment, and her disposition amiable and affectionate. She was
exceedingly romantic, and her mental powers were almost, if not entirely
uncultivated; still, she possessed sufficient strength of character to
enable her to form a deep, ardent, and permanent attachment.

The young stranger gazed upon her with admiring eyes, and soon began
to whisper in her ear the flattering tale of love. This, of course,
her parents could not approve. What! give their darling to a stranger?
Never, no, never. What could they do without her? Grieved that their
kindness should have been thus returned, they bade him go his way, and
leave their child in peace. He did go, but like a thief he returned. In
the darkness of midnight he stole to her chamber, and bore away from the
home of her childhood, "a father's joy, a mother's pride."

Who can tell the anguish of their souls when they entered that deserted
chamber? How desolate their lonely hearthstone! How dark the home where
her presence had scattered rainbow hues! A terrible blow it was to
Capt. Willard; a very bitter thing thus to have his cherished plans
frustrated, his brightest hopes destroyed; to see the very sun of his
existence go down at midday in clouds and darkness. Yes, to the
stern father this sad event brought bitter, bitter grief. But to the
mother--that tender, affectionate mother, it was death. Yea, more
than death, for reason, at the first shock, reeled and tottered on its
throne; then, as days and weeks passed by, and still the loved one did
not return, when every effort to find her had been made in vain, then,
the dread certainty settled down upon her soul that her child was lost
to her forever. Hope, gave place to despair, and she became, from that
time, a raving maniac. At length death came to her relief, and her
husband was left alone.

Six weary years passed over the lonely man, and then he rejoiced in the
intelligence that his child was still living with her husband at St.
John's. He immediately wrote to her imploring her to return to her
old home, and with the light of her presence dispel the gloom of his
dwelling. Accordingly she left St. John's, and in company with her
husband returned to her father. I was then about a year and a half
old, but I have so often heard these facts related by my father and
grandfather, they are indelibly impressed on my mind, and will never be
erased from my memory.

My mother now thought her trouble at an end, that in future she should
enjoy the happiness she once anticipated. But, alas for all human
prospects! Ere one short month had passed, difficulties arose in
consequence of the difference in their religious opinions. Capt. Willard
was a firm Protestant, while my father was quite as firm in his belief
of the principles of the Roman Catholics. "Can two walk together except
they be agreed?" They parted in anger, and my father again became a
wanderer, leaving his wife and child with his father-in-law. But my
mother was a faithful, devoted wife. Her husband was her heart's chosen
idol whom she loved too well to think of being separated from. She
therefore left her father's house, with all its luxuries and enjoyments,
to follow the fortunes of one, who was certainly unworthy of the pure
affection thus lavished upon him. As her health had been delicate for
the last two years, she concluded to leave me with her father for a
short time, intending to send for me, as soon as she was in a situation
to take care of me. But this was not to be. Death called her away, and
I saw my mother no more till her corpse was brought back, and buried in
her father's garden.

Two years I remained with my grandfather, and from him, I received the
most affectionate and devoted attention. My father at length opened a
saloon, for the sale of porter, and hired a black woman to do his work.
He then came for me. My grandfather entreated that I might be allowed to
remain. Well he knew that my father was not the man to be entrusted with
the care of a child--that a Porter House was no place for me, for he was
quite sure that stronger liquors than porter were there drank and sold.
In fact, it was said, that my father was himself a living evidence of
this. But it is of a parent I am speaking, and, whatever failings the
world may have seen in him, to me he was a kind and tender father. The
years I spent with him were the happiest of my life. On memory's
page they stand out in bold relief, strikingly contrasting with the
wretchedness of my after life. And though I cannot forget that his own
rash act brought this wretchedness upon me, still, I believe his
motives were good. I know that he loved me, and every remembrance of
his kindness, and those few bright days of childhood, I have carefully
cherished as a sacred thing. He did not, however, succeed in the
business he had undertaken, but lost his property and was at length
compelled to give up his saloon.

I was then placed in a Roman Catholic family, where he often visited,
and ever appeared to feel for me the most devoted attachment. One day he
came to see me in a state of partial intoxication. I did not then know
why his face was so red, and his breath so offensive, but I now know
that he was under the influence of ardent spirits. The woman with whom
I boarded seeing his condition, and being a good Catholic, resolved
to make the most of the occasion for the benefit of the nunnery. She
therefore said to him, "You are not capable of bringing up that child;
why don't you give her to Priest Dow?"--"Will he take her?" asked my
father. "Yes," she replied, "he will put her into the nunnery, and the
nuns will take better care of her than you can." "On what condition will
they take her?" he asked. "Give the priest one hundred dollars," replied
the artful woman, "and he will take good care of her as long as she
lives."

This seemed a very plausible story; but I am sure my father did not
realize what he was doing. Had he waited for a little reflection, he
would never have consented to such an arrangement, and my fate would
have been quite different. But as it was, he immediately sent for the
priest, and gave me to him, to be provided for, as his own child, until
I was of age. I was then to be allowed to go out into the world if I
chose. To this, Priest Dow consented, in consideration of one hundred
dollars, which he received, together with a good bed and bedding. My
mother's gold ear-rings were also entrusted to his care, until I should
be old enough to wear them. But I never saw them again. Though I was at
that time but six years old, I remember perfectly, all that passed upon
that memorable occasion. I did not then comprehend the full meaning of
what was said, but I understood enough to fill my heart with sorrow and
apprehension.

When their bargain was completed, Priest Dow called me to him, saying,
with a smile, "You are a stubborn little girl, I guess, a little
naughty, sometimes, are you not?" Surprised and alarmed, I replied, "No,
sir." He then took hold of my hair, which was rather short, drew it back
from my forehead with a force that brought the tears to my eyes, and
pressing his hand heavily on my head, he again asked if I was not
sometimes a little wilful and disobedient. I was so much frightened at
this, I turned to my father, and with tears and sobs entreated him not
to send me away with that man, but allow me to stay at home with him. He
drew me to his bosom, wiped away my tears, and sought to quiet my fears
by assuring me that I would have a good and pleasant home; that the nuns
would take better care of me than he could; and that he would often come
to see me. Thus, by the aid of flattery on one side, and sugarplums
on the other, they persuaded me at last to accompany the priest to the
White Nunnery, St. Paul's street, Quebec.

I was too young to realize the sad change in my situation, or to
anticipate the trials and privations that awaited me. But I was deeply
grieved thus to leave my father, my only real friend, my mother being
dead, and my grandfather a heretic, whom I had been taught to regard
with the utmost abhorrence. Little, however, did I think that this was a
last farewell. But such it was. Though he had promised to come often to
see me, I never saw my father again; never even heard from him; and now,
I do not know whether he is dead or alive.




CHAPTER II.

THE WHITE NUNNERY.

On my arrival at the nunnery, I was placed under the care of a lady whom
they called a Superior. She took me into a room alone, and told me that
the priest would come to me in the morning to hear confession, and I
must confess to him all my sins. "What are sins?" I asked, and, "How
shall I confess? I don't know what it means." "Don't know what sins
are!" she exclaimed in great astonishment "Why, child, I am surprised
that you should be so ignorant! Where have you lived all your days?"
With all the simplicity of childhood, I replied, "With my father;
and once I lived with my grandfather; but they didn't tell me how to
confess." "Well," said she, "you must tell the priest all your wicked
thoughts, words, and actions." "What is wicked?" I innocently asked.
"If you have ever told an untruth;" she replied, "or taken what did not
belong to you, or been in any way naughty, disobedient, or unkind; if
you have been angry, or quarrelled with your playmates, that was wicked,
and you must tell the priest all about it If you try to conceal, or
keep back anything, the priest will know it and punish you. You cannot
deceive him if you try, for he knows all you do, or say, or even think;
and if you attempt it, you'll only get yourself into trouble. But if
you are resolved to be a good girl, kind, gentle, frank, sincere, and
obedient, the priest will love you, and be kind to you."

When I was conducted to my room, at bedtime, I rejoiced to find in it
several little cot beds, occupied by little girls about my own age, who
had been, like myself, consigned to the tender mercies of priests and
nuns. I thought if we must live in that great gloomy house, which even
to my childish imagination seemed so much like a prison, we could
in some degree dispel our loneliness and mitigate our sorrows, by
companionship and sympathy. But I was soon made to know that even this
small comfort would not be allowed us, for the Superior, as she assisted
me to bed, told me that I must not speak, or groan, or turn upon my
side, or move in any way; for if I made the least noise or disturbance,
I would be severely punished. She assured me that if we disobeyed in the
least particular, she would know it, even if she was not present, and
deal with us accordingly. She said that when the clock struck twelve,
the bell would ring for prayers; that we must then rise, and kneel with
our heads bowed upon the bed, and repeat the prayer she taught us. When,
at length, she left us, locking the door after her, I was so frightened,
I did not dare to sleep, lest I should move, or fail to awake at the
proper time.

Slowly passed the hours of that long and weary night, while I lay,
waiting the ringing of the bell, or thinking upon the past with deep
regret. The most fearful visions haunted my brain, and fears of future
punishment filled my mind. How could I hope to escape it, when they were
so very strict, and able to read my most secret thoughts? What would I
not have given could I have been again restored to my father? True he
was intemperate, but at that time I thought not of this; I only knew
that he was always kind to me, that he never refused what I asked of
him. I sometimes think, even now, that if he had not so cruelly thrust
me from him, I might have been able to win him from his cups and evil
course of life. But this was not to be. Having given himself up to the
demon of intemperance, it is not surprising that he should have given
away his only child; that he should have placed her in the hands of
those who proved utterly unworthy of the trust. But however indignant I
may at times have felt towards him, for the one great wrong he committed
against me, still I do not believe he would ever have done it but for
the influence of ardent spirits. Moreover, I do not suppose that he had
the least idea what kind of a place it was. He wished, doubtless, that
his child might be well educated; that she might be shielded from the
many trials and temptations that cluster around the footsteps of the
young and inexperienced, in the midst of a cold and heartless world.
From these evils the nunnery, he thought, would be a secure retreat, for
there science, religion, and philanthropy, PROFESSEDLY, go hand in hand.
Like many other deluded parents, he thought that "Holiness to the Lord"
was inscribed upon those walls, and that nothing which could pervert or
defile the youthful mind, was permitted to enter there. With these views
and feelings, he was undoubtedly sincere when he told me, "I would have
a good home, and the nuns would take better care of me than he could."
Rash his decision certainly was, cruel it proved to be; but I shall ever
give him credit for good intentions.

At length the bell rang, and all the girls immediately left their beds,
and placed themselves upon their knees. I followed their example, but
I had scarcely time to kneel by my bed, when the Superior came into the
room with a light in her hand, and attended by a priest. He came to me,
opened a book, and told me to cross myself. This ceremony he instructed
me to perform in the following manner: the right hand is placed upon the
forehead, and drawn down to the breast; then across the breast from
left to right. The Superior then told me to say the prayer called
"Hail Mary!" I attempted to do so, but failed, for, though I had often
repeated it after my father, I could not say it correctly alone. She
then bade me join my hands, and repeat it after her. "Hail Mary! Full of
grace! The Lord be with thee! Blessed art thou among women! Blessed is
the fruit of thy womb, Jesus! Mother of God! Pray for us sinners, now,
and at the hour of our death, Amen."

"Now," said the Superior, as I rose from my knees, "you must learn every
word of that prayer before to-morrow night, or go without your supper."
I tried my best to remember it, but with so little instruction, for she
repeated it to me but once, I found it quite impossible the next night
to say it correctly. Of course, I was compelled to go without my supper.
This may seem a light punishment to those who have enough to eat--who
sit down to a full table, and satisfy their appetite three times per
day, but to a nun, who is allowed only enough to sustain life, it
is quite a different thing. And especially to a child, this mode of
punishment is more severe, and harder to bear than almost any other. I
thought I would take good care not to be punished in that way again; but
I little knew what was before me.

Before the Superior left us she assisted me into bed, and bade me be
very still until the second bell in the morning. Then, I must rise
and dress as quickly as possible, and go to her room. Quietness, she
enjoined upon me as a virtue, while the least noise, or disturbance of
any kind, would be punished as a crime. She said I must walk very softly
indeed along the halls, and close the doors so carefully that not
a sound could be heard. After giving me these first instructions in
convent life, she left me, and I was allowed to sleep the rest of the
night.

The next morning, I awoke at the ringing of the first bell, but I did
not dare to stir until the second bell, when the other little girls
arose in great haste. I then dressed as quickly as possible, but not
a word was spoken--not a thought, and scarcely a look exchanged. I
was truly "alone amid a crowd," and I felt the utter loneliness of my
situation most keenly. Yet I saw very clearly that there was but one
course for me to pursue, and that was, to obey in all things; to have
no will of my own, and thus, if possible, escape punishment. But it was
hard, very hard for me to bring my mind to this. I had been the idolized
child of affection too long to submit readily and patiently to the
privations I was now forced to endure. Hitherto my will had been law.
I had naturally an imperious, violent temper, which I had never been
taught to govern. Instead of this, my appetites were pampered, my
passions indulged, and every desire gratified as far as possible. Until
that last sad parting, I hardly knew what it was to have a request
refused; and now, to experience such a change--such a sudden transition
from the most liberal indulgence to the most cruel and rigorous
self-denial--Oh, it was a severe trial to my independent spirit to
submit to it. Yet, submit I must, for I had learned, even then, that
my newly appointed guardians were not to be trifled with. Henceforth,
OBEDIENCE must be my motto. To every command, however cruel and unjust,
I must yield a blind, passive, and unquestioning obedience.

I dressed as quickly as possible, and hastened down to the Superior.
As I passed through the hall, I thought I would be very careful to step
softly, but in my haste I forgot what she said about closing the door,
and it came together with a loud crash. On entering the room, I found
the Superior waiting for me; in her hand she held a stick about a foot
long, to the end of which was attached nine leather strings, some twelve
or fifteen inches long, and about the size of a man's little finger. She
bade me come to her, in a voice so cold and stern it sent a thrill of
terror through my frame, and I trembled with the apprehension of some
impending evil. I had no idea that she was about to punish me, for I
was not aware that I had done anything to deserve it; but her looks
frightened me, and I feared,--I know not what. She took hold of my arm,
and without saying a word, gave me ten or twelve strokes over the head
and shoulders with this miniature cat-o'-nine-tails. Truly, with her, it
was "a word and a blow, and the blow came first." Wherever the strings
chanced to fall upon the bare flesh, they raised the skin, as though a
hot iron had been applied to it. In some places they took off the skin
entirely, and left the flesh raw, and quivering with the stinging
pain. I could not think at first what I had done to deserve this severe
punishment, nor did she condescend to enlighten me. But when I began
to cry, and beg to go to my father, she sternly bade me stop crying at
once, for I could not go to my father. I must stay there, she said, and
learn to remember all her commands and obey then. She then taught me the
following verse:

   I am a little nun,
   The sisters I will mind;
   When I am pretty and learn,
   Then they will use me kind.
   I must not be so noisy
   When I go about the house,
   I'll close the doors so softly
   They'll think I am a mouse.

This verse I repeated until I could say it correctly. I was then
taken to the breakfast-room, where I was directed to kneel before the
crucifix, and say my prayers, which I repeated after the Superior. I was
then seated at the table, and directed to hold my head down, and fix my
eyes upon my plate. I must not look at any one, or gaze about the room;
but sit still, and quietly eat what was given me. I had upon my plate,
one thin slice of wheat bread, a bit of potato, and a very small cup of
milk. This was my stated allowance, and I could have no more, however
hungry I might be. The same quantity was given me every meal, when
in usual health, until I was ten years of age. On fast days, no food
whatever was allowed; and we always fasted for three meals before
receiving the sacrament. This ceremony was observed every third day,
therefore we were obliged to fast about one-third of the time.
Yet, however long the fast might be, my allowance of food was never
increased.

After breakfast the Superior took me to Priest Dow for confession. He
kept me with him all day, allowing me neither food nor drink; nor did
he permit me to break my fast until four o'clock the next day. I then
received what they call the sacrament, for the first time.

To prepare for this, I was clad in a white dress and cape, and a white
cap on my head. I was then led to the chapel, and passing up the aisle,
knelt before the altar. Priest Dow then came and stood before me,
and taking from a wine-glass a small thin wafer, he placed it upon my
tongue, at the same time repeating some Latin words, which, the Superior
afterwards told me, mean in English, "The body and blood of Christ." I
was taught to believe that I held in my mouth the real body and blood
of Christ. I was also told that if I swallowed the wafer before it had
melted on my tongue, IT WOULD CHOKE ME TO DEATH; and if I indulged an
evil thought while I held it in my mouth I SHOULD FALL INTO A POOL OF
BLOOD.




CHAPTER III.

THE NURSERY.

While in the White Nunnery, I spent the most of my time in the nursery.
But the name gives one no idea of the place. The freedom and careless
gayety, so characteristic of other nurseries, had no place in this. No
cheerful conversation, no juvenile merriment, or pleasureable excitement
of any kind, were ever allowed. A merry laugh, on the contrary, a witty
jest, or a sly practical joke, would have been punished as the most
heinous offence. Here as elsewhere in the establishment, the strictest
rules of silence and obedience were rigidly enforced. There were twenty
little girls in the room with me, but we were never permitted to speak
to each other, nor to any one except a priest or a Superior. When
directly addressed by either of them we were allowed to answer; but we
might never ask a question, or make a remark, or in any way, either by
looks, words, or signs, hold communication with each other. Whenever we
did so, it was at the risk of being discovered and severely punished.
Yet this did not repress the desire for conversation; it only made us
more cautious, artful, and deceptive. The only recreation allowed us
was fifteen minutes' exercise in the yard every morning and evening. We
might then amuse ourselves as we chose, but were required to spend
the whole time in some kind of active exercise; if one of our number
ventured to sit still, we were all punished the next day by being kept
in the house.

It was my business, while in the nursery, to dust all the furniture
and the floor, with a flannel mop, made and kept for this purpose. The
floors were all painted and varnished, and very easily kept clean.

Two hours and a half each day we spent with a priest, whom we were
taught to call Father Darity (I do not know as I spell this and other
names correctly, but I give it to the reader as it sounded to my ear).
He appeared to take great pleasure in learning us to repeat the prayers
and catechism required by Priest Dow. He also gave us a variety of
instructions in other things, enjoining in particular the most absolute
obedience and perfect silence. He assured us that if we dared to disobey
him in the least particular, he should know it, even if he was not
present with us at the time. He said he knew all our thoughts, words,
and actions; and if we did not obey, he should "EAT US WITH A GRAIN OF
SALT."

I presume my reader will smile at this, and exclaim, "How absurd!" Yes,
to you it is absurd; but to the mind of a child who placed the utmost
confidence in his veracity, it was an evidence that he was invested
with supernatural powers. For myself I believed every word he said,
and nothing would have tempted me to disobey him. Perfect obedience he
considered the highest attainment, and, to secure this, the greatest of
all virtues, no means were thought too severe. We were frightened and
punished in every possible way.

But, though Father Darity acted on the one great principle with the
Romanists, that the "end sanctifies the means," he was in general a much
kinder man than Priest Dow. He urged us on with our catechism as fast as
possible, telling us, as a motive to greater diligence, that the bishop
was soon to visit us, and that we could not be admitted to his presence
until we had our prayers and catechism perfectly.

One day, when we were in the yard at play, I told one of the little
girls that I did not like to live there; that I did not like one of the
people in the house; that I wished to return to my father, and I should
tell him so the first time he came to see me.

"Then you like to live with your father?" said she. I told her I did,
for then I could do as I pleased, without the fear of punishment. She
said that she did not like to live there any better than I did. I asked
her why she did not go away, if she disliked to stay. She replied, "I
should like to go away well enough, if I had any friends to go to; but
my father and mother are both dead, and I have no home but this; so you
see I must stay here if they wish me to; but there is one consolation;
if we are good girls, and try to do right, they will be kind to us." I
made no further remark; but the moment we returned to the house she
told the Superior what I said, taking good care not to repeat her own
expressions, and leaving the Superior to infer that she had made no
reply.

I saw at once by the stern look that came over the lady's face that she
was very angry; and I would gladly have recalled those few hasty words
had it been in my power to have done so. She immediately left the room,
but soon returned with Priest Dow. His countenance also indicated
anger, as he took hold of my arm and led me to a darkened room, in which
several candles were burning.

Here I saw three scenes, which I think must have been composed of
images, pictures, and curtains. I do not pretend to describe them
correctly, I can only tell how they appeared to me.

The first was an image of Christ on the cross, with his arms extended as
we usually see them in pictures. On his right hand was a representation
of heaven, and on the left, of hell. Heaven was made to appear like a
bright, beautiful, and glorious place. A wall of pink color surrounded
it, and in the center was a spring of clear water. In the midst of this
spring stood a tree, bearing on every limb a lighted candle, and on the
top, the image of Christ and a dove.

Hell was surrounded by a black wall, within which, there was also a
spring; but the water was very black, and beside it stood a large black
image, with horns on its head, a long tail, and a large cloven foot. The
place where it stood was in deep shadow, made to resemble, as neatly
as possible, clouds and darkness. The priest led me up to this fearful
object, and placed me on one side of it, while he stood on the other;
but it would turn away from him towards me, roll up its great eyes, open
its mouth and show its long white tusks. The priest said it turned from
him, because he was a good man, and I was very wicked. He said that it
was the devil, come up from the bottomless pit to devour me; and if I
said such wicked words again, it would carry me off. I was very much
frightened, for I then thought that all he said was true; that those
images, which I now know were strung on wires were really what they were
made to represent.

In fact, until I was fifteen years old, I really believed that the image
I then saw was an evil spirit. But since that time, I have been made
to know that the priests themselves are the only evil spirits about the
place.

Priest Dow then led me back to the nursery, and left me with the
Superior. But he soon came, back, saying he "knew what I was thinking
about; that I had wicked thoughts about him; thought he was a bad man,
and that I wished to leave him and go to my father;" Now this was all
true, and the fact that he knew it, frightened me accordingly. It was a
sure proof that what Father Darity said was true. But how could I ever
be safe, if they could thus read the inmost secrets of my soul? I did
dislike them all very much indeed and I could not help it. How then
could I avert the consequences of this deep aversion to convent life,
since it could not be concealed? Was it possible for me so far to
conquer myself, as to love the persons with whom I lived? How many
nights did I lie awake pondering this question, and resolving to make
the effort. I was, of course, too young to know that it was only by
shrewd guessing, and a general knowledge of human nature, that he was
enabled to tell my thoughts so correctly.

"Now," said he, "for indulging these dreadful thoughts, I shall take you
back to the devil, and give you up to him." I was frightened before; but
I have no words to describe my feelings when he again led me back, and
left me beside the image, saying, as he closed the door, "If the devil
groans three times, and the Lord does not speak, you must stay here
until to-morrow at this time." I trembled so that I could hardly stand,
and when, after a few moments, a sound like a groan fell upon my ears, I
shrieked in the extremity of terror.

[Footnote: Cioui, formerly a Benedictine Monk, giving an account of his
imprisonment at Rome, after his conversion says:--

"One evening, after listening to a discourse filled with dark images of
death, I returned to my room, and found the light set upon the ground.
I took it up and approached the table to place it there, but what was
my horror and consternation at beholding spread out upon it, a whitened
skeleton! Before the reader can comprehend my dismay, it is necessary
he should reflect for a moment on the peculiarities of childhood,
especially in a Romish country, where children are seldom spoken to
except in superstitious language, whether by their parents or teachers:
and domestics adopt the same style to answer their own purposes,
menacing their disobedient charges with hobgoblins, phantoms and
witches. Such images as these make a profound impression on tender
minds, leaving a panic terror which the reasoning of after years is
often unable entirely to efface. There can be no doubt but that this
pernicious habit, is the fruit of the noxious plant fostered in the
Vatican. Rising generations must be brought up in superstitious terror,
in order to render them susceptible to every kind of absurdity; for this
terror is the powerful spring, employed by the priests and friars, to
move at their pleasure families, cities, provinces, nations. Although
in families of the higher order, this method of alarming infancy is much
discountenanced, nevertheless, it is impossible but that it should in
some degree prevail in the nursery. Nor was it probable that I should
escape this infections malady, having passed my whole days in an
atmosphere, charged more than any other with that impure miasma
priest-craft."]

Then immediately I heard the question, and it seemed to come from the
figure of Christ, "Will you obey? Will you leave off sin?" I answered in
the affirmative as well as I could, for the convulsive sobs that shook
my frame almost stopped my utterance. I now know that when the priest
left me, he placed himself, or an assistant, behind a curtain close to
the images, and it was his voice that I heard. But I was then too young
to detect their treacherous practices and deceitful ways.

On being taken back to the Superior, I was immediately attacked with
severe illness, and had fits all night. It seemed to me that I could
see that image of the devil everywhere. If I closed my eyes, I thought
I could feel him on my bed, pressing on my breast, and he was so heavy I
could scarcely breathe. I was very sick, and suffered much bodily pain,
but the tortures of an excited imagination were greater by far, and
harder to bear than any physical suffering. For long years after, that
image haunted my dreams, and even now I often, in sleep, live over again
the terrors of that fearful scene. I was sick a long time; how long I do
not know; but I became so weak I could not raise myself in bed, and they
had an apparatus affixed to the wall to raise me with. For several days
I took no nourishment, except a teaspoonful of brandy and water which
was given me as often as I could take it I continued to have fits every
day for more than two years, nor did I ever entirely recover from the
effects of that fright. Even now, though years have passed away, a
little excitement or a sudden shock, will sometimes throw me into one of
those fits.




CHAPTER IV.

A SLAVE FOR LIFE.

During this illness I was placed under the care of an Abbess whom they
called St. Bridget. There were many other Abbesses in the convent, but
she was the principal one, and had the care of all the clothing. If
the others wished for clean clothes, they were obliged to go to her for
them. In that way I saw them all, but did not learn their names. They
approached me and looked at me, but seldom spoke. This I thought very
strange, but I now know they dared not speak. One day an Abbess came to
my bed, and after standing a few moments with the tears silently flowing
down her cheeks, asked me if I had a mother. I told her I had not, and I
began to weep most bitterly. I was very weak, and the question recalled
to my mind the time when I shared a father's love, and enjoyed my
liberty. Then, I could go and come as I chose, but now, a slave for
life, I could have no will of my own, I must go at bidding, and come at
command. This, I am well aware, may seem to some extravagant language;
but I use the right word. I was, literally, a slave; and of all kinds of
slavery, that which exists in a convent is the worst. I say, THE WORST,
because the story of wrong and outrage which occasionally finds its way
to the public ear, is not generally believed. You pity the poor black
man who bends beneath the scourge of southern bondage, for the tale
comes to you from those who have seen his tears and heard his groans.
But you have no tears, no prayers, no efforts for the poor helpless
nun who toils and dies beneath the heartless cruelty of an equally
oppressive task-master. No; for her you have no sympathy, for you do not
believe her word. Within those precincts of cruelty, no visitor is ever
admitted. No curious eye may witness the secrets of their prison-house.
Consequently, there is no one to bear direct testimony to the truth of
her statements. Even now, methinks, I see your haughty brow contract,
and your lip curl with scorn, as with supreme contempt you throw down
these pages and exclaim, "'Tis all a fiction. Just got up to make money.
No proof that it is true." No proof do you say? O, that the strong arm
of the law would interpose in our behalf!--that some American Napoleon
would come forth, and break open those prison doors, and drag forth to
the light of day those hidden instruments of torture! There would then
be proof enough to satisfy the most incredulous, that, so far from being
exaggerated, the half has not been told. Sons of America! Will you not
arise in your might, and demand that these convent doors be opened, and
"the oppressed" allowed to "go free"? Or if this be denied, sweep from
the fair earth, the black-hearted wretches who dare, in the very face
of heaven, to commit such fearful outrages upon helpless, suffering
humanity? How long--O how long will you suffer these dens of iniquity
to remain unopened? How long permit this system of priestly cruelty to
continue?

But I am wandering from my story. Would that I might forever wander
from it--that I might at once blot from memory's page, the fearful
recollection that must follow me to my grave! Yet, painful as it is
to rehearse the past, if I can but awaken your sympathy for other
sufferers, if I can but excite you to efforts for their deliverance, it
is all I ask. I shall have my reward. But to return to my story.

The Abbess saw how deeply I was grieved, and immediately left the room.
St. Bridget told me not to cry, for she would be a mother to me as long
as I remained with her, and she was true to her promise. Another sister,
who sometimes came to my room, I believe was crazy. She would run up to
my bed, put her hand on me, and burst into a loud and hearty laugh. This
she repeated as often as she came, and I told the Abbess one day, I did
wish that sister would not come to see me, for she acted so strange, I
was afraid of her. She replied, "do not care for her; she always does
just so, but we do not mind her; you must be careful what you say," she
continued, "for if you speak of her before any of the sisters, they may
get you into trouble."

When I began to get better, I had a sharp appetite for food, and was
hungry a great part of the time. One of the sisters used to bring me a
piece of bread concealed under her cape and hide it under my pillow.
How she obtained it, I do not know, unless she saved it from her own
allowance. It was very easy for her to hide it in this way, for the nuns
always walk with one hand under their cape and the other by the side.
Truly, in this instance, "bread eaten in secret" was "pleasant." Of
all the luxuries I ever tasted, those stolen bits of bread were the
sweetest.

During my illness I thought a great deal about my father, and wondered
why he did not come to see me, as he had promised. I used to cry for him
in my sleep, and very often awoke in tears. St. Bridget sought in every
possible way to make me forget him, and the priest would tell me that I
need not think so much about him, for he no longer cared for me. He
said the devil had got him, and I would never see him again. These cruel
words, so far from making me forget, served to awaken a still greater
desire to see him, and increased my grief because I was denied the
privilege.

In the room with me, were six other little girls, who were all sick at
the same time, and St. Bridget took care of us all For two of the little
girls, I felt the greatest sympathy. They were quite young, I think not
more than three years of age, and they grieved continually. They made
no complaint, did not even shed a tear, but they sobbed all the time,
whether asleep or awake. Of their history, I could learn nothing at that
time, except the fact, that they were taken from their parents for the
good of their souls. I afterwards overheard a conversation that led me
to think that they were heirs to a large property, which, if they were
out of the way, would go to the church. But it is of what I know, and
not what I think, that I have undertaken to write, and I do know that
the fate of those little girls was hard in the extreme, whatever might
have been the cause of their being there. Poor little creatures! No
wonder their hearts were broken. Torn from parents and friends while yet
in early childhood--doomed while life is spared, to be subject to the
will of those who know no mercy--who feel no pity, but consider it a
religious duty to crush, and destroy all the pure affections--all the
exquisite sensibilities of the human soul. Yet to them these hapless
babes must look for all the earthly happiness they could hope to enjoy.
They were taught to obey them in all things, and consider them their
only friends and protectors. I never saw them after I left that room,
but they did not live long. I was glad they did not, for in the cold
grave their sufferings would be over and they would rest in peace.

O, how little do Protestants know the sufferings of a nun! and truly
no one can know them except by personal experience. One may imagine the
most aggravated form of cruelty, the most heart-rending agonies, yet I
do believe the conception of the most active imagination would fall
far short of the horrible reality. I do not believe there was one happy
individual in that convent, or that any one there, if I except the lady
Superior, knew anything of enjoyment. Life with them was a continual
round of ceaseless toil and bitter self-denial; while each one had some
secret grief slowly but surely gnawing away the heart-strings. I have
sometimes seen the Abbess sitting by the bedside of the sick, with her
eyes closed, while the big tears fell unchecked over her pale cheeks.
When I asked her why she wept, she would shake her head, but never
speak. I now know that she dare not speak for fear of punishment.

The abbesses in the various parts of this convent are punished as much
as the nuns, if they dare to disobey the rules of the priests; and if
the least of these are broken in the presence of any one in the house,
they will surely tell of it at confession. In fact, they are required
to do this; and if it is known that one has seen a rule broken, or a
command disobeyed, without reporting it, a severe punishment is sure to
follow. Thus every individual is a spy upon the rest; and while every
failure is visited with condign punishment, the one who makes the most
reports is so warmly approved, that poor human nature can hardly resist
the temptation to play the traitor. Friendship cannot exist within
the walls of a convent, for no one can be trusted, even with the most
trifling secret. Whoever ventures to try it is sure to be betrayed.

While I was sick Father Darity came often to see me, and by his kindness
succeeded in gaining my affections. I was a great favorite with him;
he always called me his little girl, and tried in every way to make me
contented. He wished to make me say that I was happy there, that I
liked to live with them as well as with my father. But I could never be
persuaded to say this, for it was not the truth, and I would not tell a
falsehood unless forced to do so. He said I must be a good girl, and he
hoped I would sometime see better times, but I could never see my father
again, and I must not desire it. He advised me, however hard it might
be, to try and love all who came into the nunnery, even those who were
unkind, who wished to injure me or wound my feelings. He told me how
Jesus Christ loved his enemies; how he died for them a cruel death on
the cross; how, amid his bitter agonies, he prayed for them, and with
his expiring breath he cried, "Father, forgive them, they know not what
they do." "And now," said he, "can you do as Jesus Christ did? He has
set you an example, can you not follow it?" "No, sir," I replied, "I
cannot love those who punish me so cruelly, so unjustly. I cannot love
the little girl who reported what I said in the yard, when she said as
bad things as I did." "But you forget," said he, "that in doing this she
only obeyed the rules of the house. She only did her duty; if you
had done yours, you would have reported her." "I'll never do that," I
exclaimed, emboldened by his kindness. "It is a bad rule, and--" "Hush,
hush, child!" he cried, interrupting me. "Do you know to whom you are
speaking? and do you forget that you are a little girl? Are you wiser
than your teachers? I must give you a penance for those naughty words,
and you will pray for a better spirit." He said much more to me, and
gave me good advice that I remember much better than I followed. He
enjoined if upon me to keep up good courage, as I would gain my health
faster. He then bade me farewell, telling me not to forget, to repeat
certain prayers as a penance for my sin in speaking so boldly. O, did
he think when he talked to me so kindly, so faithfully, that it was his
last opportunity to give me good advice? Did he know that he left me to
return no more? I saw nothing unusual in his appearance, and I did not
suspect that it was the last time I should see his pleasant face and
listen to his kindly voice. I loved that man, and bitter were the tears
I shed when I learned that I should never see him again. The Abbess
informed me that he was sent away for something he had done, she did not
know what. O that something! I knew well enough what it was. He had a
kind heart; he could feel for the unfortunate, and that, with the Roman
Catholics, is an "unpardonable sin."




CHAPTER V.

CEREMONY OF CONFIRMATION.

I continued to regain my health slowly, and the Abbess said they would
soon send me back to the nursery. I could not endure the thought of
this, for I had the greatest fear of the Abbess who had the charge of
that department. She was very cruel, while St. Bridget was as kind
as she dare to be. She knew full well that if she allowed herself to
exhibit the least feeling of affection for those children, she would be
instantly removed, and some one placed over them who would not give way
to such weakness. We all saw how it was, and loved her all the more
for the severity of her reproofs when any one was near. With tears,
therefore, I begged to be allowed to stay with her; and when the priest
came for me, she told him that she thought I had better remain with her
till I gained a little more strength.

To this he consented, and I was very grateful indeed for the kindness.
Wishing in some way to express my gratitude, as soon as I was able I
assisted in taking care of the other little girls as much as possible.
St. Bridget, in turn, taught me to read a little, so that I could learn
my prayers when away from her. She also gave me a few easy lessons in
arithmetic, and instructed me to speak the Celt language. She always
spoke in that, or the French, which I could speak before, having learned
it from the family where I lived after my father gave up his saloon.
They were French Catholics and spoke no other language.

As soon as I was sufficiently recovered to leave my room, I was taken to
the chapel to be confirmed. Before they came for me, the abbess told me
what questions would be asked, and the answers I should be required
to give. She said they would ask me if I wished to see my father; if I
should like to go back to the world, etc. To these and similar questions
she said I must give a negative answer. "But," said I, "that will be a
falsehood, and I will not say so for any of them." "Hush, hush, child!"
she exclaimed, with a frightened look. "You must not talk so. From my
heart I pity you; but it will be better for you to answer as I tell
you, for if you refuse they will punish you till you do. Remember," she
added, emphatically, "remember what I say: it will be better for you
to do as I tell you." And she made me promise that I would. "But why do
they wish me to tell a lie?" I asked. "They do not wish you to tell a
lie," she replied; "they wish you to do right, and feel right; to be
contented and willing to forget the world." "But I do not wish to forget
the world," I said. "I am not contented, and saying that I am will not
make me feel so. Is it right to tell a lie?" "It is right for you to
obey," she replied, with more severity in her tone than I ever heard
before. "Do you know," she continued, "that it is a great sin for you
to talk so?" "A sin!" I exclaimed, in astonishment; "why is it a sin?"
"Because," she replied, "you have no right to inquire why a command
is given. Whatever the church commands, we must obey, and that, too,
without question or complaint. If we are not willing to do this, it
is the duty of the Bishop and the priests to punish us until we are
willing. All who enter a convent renounce forever their own will." "But
I didn't come here myself," said I; "my father put me here to stay a few
years. When I am eighteen I shall go out again." "That does not make any
difference," she replied. "You are here, and your duty is obedience.
But my dear," she continued, "I advise you never again to speak of going
out, for it can never be. By indulging such hopes you are preparing
yourself for a great disappointment. By speaking of it, you will,
I assure you, get yourself into trouble. You may not find others
so indulgent as I am; therefore, for your own sake, I hope you
will relinquish all idea of ever leaving the convent, and try to be
contented." Such was the kind of instruction I received at the White
Nunnery. I did not feel as much disappointed at the information that I
was never to go into the world again as she had expected. I had felt for
a long time, almost, indeed, from my first entrance, that such would be
my fate, and though deeply grieved, I was able to control my feelings.

The great day at length came for which the Abbess had been so long
preparing me. I say great, for in our monotonous life, the smallest
circumstance seemed important. Moreover, I was assured that my future
happiness depended very much upon the answers, I that day gave to the
various questions put to me. When about to be taken to the chapel, St.
Bridget begged the priest to be careful and not frighten me, lest it
should bring on my fits again. I was led into the chapel and made to
kneel before the altar. The bishop and five priests were present, and
also, a man whom I had never seen before, but I was told he was the
Pope's Nuncio, and that he came a long way to visit them. I think this
was true, for they all seemed to regard him as a superior. I shall never
forget my feelings when he asked me the following questions, which I
answered as I had been directed. "Who do you believe in?" "God." "How
many persons are there in God?" "Three; the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost."
"What world have you lately left?" "The world of sin and Satan." "Do you
wish to go back and live with your father?" "No Sir." "Do you think you
can live all your life with us." "I think I can, sir." He then said,
"You will not fare any better than you have hitherto, and perhaps not
as well." It was with the greatest difficulty that I could control my
feelings sufficiently to answer this last question. But remembering
what the Abbess had told me, I suppressed my tears, and choked down
the rising sob. Surely those men must have known that I was telling a
falsehood--that the profession I made was not in accordance with my real
sentiments. For myself, I then felt, and still feel that the guilt was
not mine. The sin did not rest with me.

The Bishop was then told to hear my confession, after which, a priest
took some ointment from a small box, and rubbed it on my forehead, and
another priest came with a towel and wiped it off. I was then taken
back to St. Bridget, with whom I remained, as long as I was in the White
Nunnery.

On my tenth birthday, the Bishop came to the Abbess very early in the
morning, and informed her that I was to take the White Veil that day,
and immediately after the ceremony, I would leave for the Grey Nunnery
in Montreal. He desired her to make all the necessary preparation, and
take her leave of me, as she would not see me again. This was sad news
for us both, for I felt that she was my only friend, and I knew that she
felt for me, the most sincere affection. She gave me much good advice in
reference to my future conduct, and with tears exhorted me to be kind,
cheerful, and obedient. I was going to a new place, she said, and if I
was a good girl, and sought to please my superiors, I would find some
one to be kind to me. She advised me to try and appear contented
in whatever situation I might be placed, and above all other
considerations, never disobey the least command. "Obedience," she again
repeated, "is the rule in all convents, and it will be better for you to
obey at once, and cheerfully, and willingly comply with every request,
than to incur displeasure and perhaps punishment, by any appearance of
reluctance or hesitation. If there is any one thing that you dislike to
do, be sure that you do not betray your feelings, for if you do, that
will be the very thing they will require of you; and I assure you, if
you once become the object of suspicion or dislike, your condition will
be anything but agreeable. You will be marked and watched, and required
to do many unpleasant things, to say the least. Therefore I hope you
will perform all your duties with a cheerful and willing spirit."
Bitterly did I grieve at the thought of being separated from the only
being on earth who seemed to care for me. In the anguish of the moment,
I wished I might die. St. Bridget reproved me, saying encouragingly
that death was the coward's refuge, sought only by those who had not the
resolution to meet, endure, or overcome the trials of life. She exhorted
me to courage, perseverance and self denial, saying that if I fought
life's battle bravely, I would have my reward.

She changed all my clothes, and assisted me to put on a white dress
and cape, and a white cap and veil. She then gave me a card of good
behavior, embraced me for the last time, and led me out to the Bishop,
who was waiting to conduct me to the chapel where the ceremony was to be
performed.

I there met ten other little girls, who, like myself, were compelled
to take upon themselves vows they did not understand, and thus, by an
apparently voluntary act, consign themselves to slavery for life. They
were all strangers to me, sent here, as I afterwards learned, from some
nunnery in Ireland, where they had friends who were too solicitous for
their welfare. The priests do not wish the nuns to see friends from the
world, and they will frame almost any plausible excuse to prevent it.
But when the friends become too urgent, as they sometimes do, and their
inventive powers are taxed too severely, or if the task of furnishing so
many excuses become too irksome, the poor hapless victims are sent
off to some other nunnery, and the friends are told that they were not
contented, and wished to go to some other place, and that they, generous
creatures that they are, have at length, after much solicitation, kindly
consented to their removal. And this too, when they know that these very
girls are grieving their lives away, for a sight of those dear friends,
who, they are confidently assured, are either dead, or have entirely
forgotten them! Can the world of woe itself furnish deceit of a darker
dye?

The Bishop led me up to the altar, and put a lighted candle into my
hand. He then went under the altar, on which a lighted candle was
placed, and soon returned followed by two little boys whom they called
apostles. They held, each, a lighted torch with which they proceeded to
light two more candles. On a table near the altar, stood a coffin, and
soon two priests entered, bearing another coffin, which they placed
beside the other. A white cloth was spread over them, and burning
candles placed at the head and foot. These movements frightened me
exceedingly, for I thought they were going to kill me.

Forgetting in my terror that I was not allowed to speak, I asked the
Bishop if he was going to kill me. "Kill you!" he exclaimed, "O no;
don't be frightened; I shall not hurt you in the least. But it is our
custom, when a nun takes the veil, to lay her in a coffin to show that
she is dead to the world. Did not St. Bridget tell you this?" I told him
she did not, but I did not dare to tell him that I supposed she felt
so bad when she found I must leave her, that she entirely forgot it. He
then asked very pleasantly, which of the two coffins I liked the best,
saying I could have my choice. I replied, "I have no choice." This was
true, for although he assured me to the contrary, I still believed he
was about to kill me, and I cared very little about my coffin. They were
both large enough for a grown person, and beautifully finished, with a
large silver plate on the lid. The Bishop took me up in his arms, and
laid me in one of them, and bade me close my eyes.

I lay in that coffin a long time, as it seemed to me, without the least
motion. I was so much alarmed, I felt as though I could not even lift
a finger. Meantime the Bishop and priests read alternately from a book,
but in a language I could not understand. Occasionally they would come
and feel my hands and feet, and say to each other, "She is very cold."
I believe they were afraid I should die in their hands, of fear. When
at last they took me up, they told me that I would carry that coffin
to Montreal with me--that I would be laid in it when robed for the
grave--and that my bones would moulder to dust in it. I shall never
forget the impression these words made on my mind. There was something
so horrible in the thought of carrying a coffin about with me all my
life, constantly reminding me of the shortness of time, and the sure
approach of death, I could not endure it. Gladly would I have left it,
costly and elegant as it was, choosing rather to run the risk of being
buried without one, but this was not allowed. I could have no choice in
the matter.

These ceremonies concluded. I was taken to a small room, and a woman
assisted me to change my clothes again, and put on the Grey Nunnery
suit. This consisted of a grey dress and shoes, and a black cap. Each
nunnery has a peculiar dress which every nun is required to wear. Thus,
on meeting one of them, it is very easy to tell what establishment she
belongs to, and a run-away is easily detected. On leaving the chapel, I
was taken to the steamboat, with the other ten girls, accompanied by a
priest. Our coffins were packed in cotton, and placed on the boat with
us. On our arrival at Montreal, we found a priest and two nuns waiting
for us to conduct us to the nunnery.




CHAPTER VI.

THE GREY NUNNERY.

The Grey Nunnery is situated on St. Paul Street, Montreal. It is four
stories high, besides the basement. It occupies a large space of ground,
I do not know how much, but it is a very extensive building. The roof
is covered with tin, with a railing around it, finished at the top with
sharp points that look like silver, about a foot in length, and
three feet apart. Over the front door there is a porch covered with a
profusion of climbing plants, which give it a beautiful appearance.
The building stands in a large yard, surrounded on all sides by a high
fence, so high indeed, that people who pass along the street can see
no part of the nunnery except the silver points on the roof. The top of
this fence is also finished with long iron spikes. Every thing around
the building seems expressly arranged to keep the inmates in, and
intruders out. In fact it would be nearly impossible for any one to gain
a forcible or clandestine admittance to any part of the establishment.
There are several gates in the fence, how many I do not know, but the
front gate opens on St. Ann Street. Over each of the gates hangs a bell,
connected with the bells in the rooms of the Superior and Abbesses,
which ring whenever the gate is opened. There is always a guard of two
men at each gate, who walk up and down with guns upon their shoulders.
While attempting to give a brief description of this building, I may as
well say that it is constructed with non-conductors between the walls,
so that the ringing of a bell, or the loudest shriek, could not be heard
from one room to the other. The reader will please bear this in mind, as
the reason for the precaution will appear in the course of my narrative.

The priest, who met us as we left the boat, conducted us to the front
door and rang the bell. Soon a lady appeared, who drew a slide in the
middle of the door, exposing one pane of glass. Through this she looked,
to see who was there, and when satisfied on this point, opened the
door. Here let me remark, that since I left the nunnery, I have heard of
another class of people who find it convenient to have a slide in their
door; and if I am not very much mistaken, the character of the two
houses, or rather the people who live in them, are very much
alike, whether they are nunneries of private families, Catholics or
Protestants. Honest people have no need of a slide in the door, and
where there is so much precaution, may we not suppose that something
behind the curtain imperatively calls for it? It is an old adage, but
true notwithstanding, that "where there is concealment, there must be
something wrong."

In the hall opposite the front door were two other doors, with a
considerable space between them. The right hand door was opened by the
door-tender, and we entered a room furnished in the plainest manner, but
every thing was neat, and in perfect order. Instead of chairs, on two
sides of the room a long bench was fastened to the sides of the house.
They were neither painted, nor cushioned, but were very white, as was
also the floor, on which there was no carpet. Beside the door stood
a basin of holy water, and directly opposite, an image of the Saviour
extended on the cross which they call a crucifix.

Here we were left a few moments, then the door-keeper came back, and
asked us if we would like to see the Black Cloisters; and if so, to
follow her. She led us back into the hall, and in the space between the
two doors that I mentioned, she unlocked a bar, and pulling it down,
touched a spring, and immediately a little square door slid back into
the ceiling. Across this door, or window or whatever they called it,
were strong bars of iron about one inch apart. Through this aperture
we were allowed to look, and a sad sight met my eyes. As many as fifty
disconsolate looking ladies were sitting there, who were called Black
Nuns, because they were preparing to take the Black Veil. They were all
dressed in black, a black cap on the head, and a white bandage drawn
across the forehead, to which another was attached, that passed under
the chin. These bandages they always wore, and were not allowed to lay
aside. They sat, each one with a book in her hand, motionless as so many
statues. Not a finger did they move, not an eye was raised, but they
sat gazing upon the page before them as intently as though life itself
depended upon it. Our guide informed us that they were studying the
[footnote] Black Book preparatory to taking the Black Veil and entering
the Cloister. This book was quite a curiosity. It was very large, with a
white cover, and around the edge a black border about an inch wide.

[Footnote: "The Black Book, or Praxis Sacra Romance Inquisitionis, is
always the model for that which is to succeed it. This book is a large
manuscript volume, in folio, and is carefully preserved by the head of
the Inquisition. It is called Libro Nero, the Black Book, because it
has a cover of that color; or, as an inquisitor explained to me, Libro
Necro, which, in the Greek language, signifies 'The book of the dead.'

"In this book is the criminal code, with all the punishments for every
supposed crime; also the mode of conducting the trial, so as to elicit
the guilt of the accused; and the manner of receiving accusations. I had
this book in my hand on one occasion, and read therein the proceedings
relative to my own case; and I moreover saw in this same volume some
very astounding particulars; for example, in the list of punishments I
read concerning the bit, or as it is called by us THE MORDACCHIA, which
is a very simple contrivance to confine the tongue, and compress it
between two cylinders composed of iron and wood and furnished with
spikes. This horrible instrument not only wounds the tongue and
occasions excessive pain, but also, from the swelling it produces;
frequently places the sufferer in danger of suffocation. This torture is
generally had recourse to in cases considered as blasphemy against
God, the Virgin, the Saints, or the Pope. So that according to the
Inquisition, it is as great a crime to speak disparagingly of a pope,
who may be a very detestable character, as to blaspheme the holy name
of God. Be that as it may, this torture has been in use till the present
period; and, to say nothing of the exhibitions of this nature which were
displayed in Romanga, in the time of Gregory 16th., by the Inquisitor
Ancarani--in Umbria by Stefanelli, Salva, and others, we may admire
the inquisitorial seal of Cardinal Feretti, the cousin of his present
holiness, who condescended more than once to employ these means when he
was bishop of Rieti and Fermo." Dealings with the Inquisition, by the
Rev. Giacinto Achilli D. D., late Prior and Visitor of the Dominican
Order, Head Professor of Theology and Vicar of the master of the Sacred
Apostolic Palace, etc., etc., page 81.]

Our curiosity being satisfied as far as possible, we returned to the
side room, where we waited long for the lady Superior. When at length
she came, she turned to me first, as I sat next the door, and asked me
if I had anything to show in proof of my former good character. I gave
her my card; she looked at it, and led me to the other side of the room.
The same question was asked of every girl in turn, when it was found
that only four beside myself had cards of good behavior. The other six
presented cards which she said were for bad behavior. They were all
placed together on the other side of the room; and as the Superior was
about to lead them away, one of them came towards us saying that she
did not wish to stay with those girls, she would rather go with us.
The Superior drew her back, and replied, "No, child; you cannot go with
those good girls; you would soon learn them some of your naughty ways.
If you will do wrong, you must take the consequences." Then, seeing that
the child really felt very bad, she said, in a kinder tone, "When you
learn to do right, you shall be allowed to go with good girls, but not
before." I pitied the poor child, and for a long time I hoped to see her
come to our room; but she never came. They were all led off together,
and that was the last I ever saw of any of them.

I was taken, with the other four girls, to a room on the second floor.
Here we found five cribs, one for each of us, in which we slept. Our
food was brought to us regularly, consisting of one thin slice of fine
wheat bread for each of us, and a small cup of milk. It was only in
the morning, however, that the milk was allowed us, and for dinner and
supper we had a slice of bread and a cup of water. This was not half
enough to satisfy our hunger; but we could have no more. For myself I
can say that I was hungry all the time, and I know the others were also;
but we could not say so to each other. We were in that room together
five weeks, yet not one word passed between us. We did sometimes smile,
or shake our heads, or make some little sign, though even this was
prohibited, but we never ventured to speak. We were forbidden to do
so, on pain of severe punishment; and I believe we were watched all the
time, and kept there, for a trial of our obedience. We were employed in
peeling a soft kind of wood for beds, and filling the ticks with it. We
were directed to make our own beds, keep our room in the most perfect
order, and all our work in the middle of the floor. The Superior came up
every morning to see that we were thoroughly washed, and every Saturday
she was very particular to have our clothes and bed linen all changed.
As every convenience was provided in our rooms or the closets adjoining,
we were not obliged to go out for anything, and for five weeks I did not
go out of that room.

My bed was then brought from Quebec, and we were moved to a large square
room, with four beds in it, only two of which were occupied. We were
then sent to the kitchen, where in future, we were to be employed in
cleaning sauce, scouring knives and forks, and such work as we were able
to do. As we grew older, our tasks were increased with our strength. I
had no regular employment, but was called upon to do any of the drudgery
that was to be done about the house. The Superior came to the kitchen
every morning after prayers and told us what to do through the day.
Then, in her presence we were allowed five minutes conversation, a
priest also being present. For the rest of the day we kept a profound
silence, not a word being spoken by any of us unless in answer to a
question from some of our superiors.

In one part of the building there was a school for young ladies, who
were instructed in the various branches of education usually taught in
Catholic schools. Many of the scholars boarded at the nunnery, and all
the cooking and washing was done in the kitchen. We also did the cooking
for the saloons in Montreal. If this did not keep us employed, there
were corn brooms and brushes to make, and thus every moment was fully
occupied. Not a moment of leisure, no rest, no recreation, but hard
labor, and the still more laborious religious exercises, filled up the
time. It was sometimes very annoying to me to devote so many hours to
mere external forms; for I felt, even when very young, that they were
of little worth. But it was a severe trial to our temper to make so many
pies, cakes, puddings, and all kinds of rich food, which we were never
allowed to taste. The priests, superiors, and the scholars had every
luxury they desired; but the nuns, who prepared all their choice
dainties, were never permitted to taste anything but bread and water.
I am well aware that this statement will seem incredible, and that
many will doubt the truth of it; but I repeat it: the nuns in the Grey
Nunnery, or at least those in the kitchen with me, were allowed no food
except bread and water, or, in case of illness, water gruel.




CHAPTER VII.

ORPHAN'S HOME.

The Grey Nunnery is said to be an orphan's home, and no effort is spared
to make visitors believe that this is the real character of the house.
I suppose it is true that one part of it is devoted to this purpose; at
least my Superior informed me that many children were kept there; and
to those apartments visitors are freely admitted, but never to that part
occupied by the nuns. We were never allowed to communicate with people
from the world, nor with the children. In fact, during all the time I
was there, I never saw one of them, nor did I ever enter the rooms where
they were.

In the ladies' school there were three hundred scholars, and in our
part of the house two hundred and fifty nuns, besides the children who
belonged to the nunnery. Add to these the abbesses, superiors, priests,
and bishop, and one will readily imagine that the work for such a family
was no trifling affair.

In this nunnery the Bishop was the highest authority, and everything was
under his direction, unless the Pope's Nuncio, or some other high
church functionary was present. I sometimes saw one whom they called
the Archbishop, who was treated with great deference by the priests, and
even by the Bishop himself.

The Holy Mother, or Lady Superior, has power over all who have taken or
are preparing to take the veil. Under her other superiors or abbesses
are appointed over the various departments, whose duty it is to look
after the nuns and novices, and the children in training for nuns. The
most rigid espionage is kept up throughout the whole establishment; and
if any of these superiors or abbesses fail to do the duty assigned
them, they are more severely punished than the nuns. Whenever the Lady
Superior is absent the punishments are assigned by one of the priests.
Of these there were a large number in the nunnery; and whenever we
chanced to meet one of them, as we sometimes did when going about the
house, or whenever one of them entered the kitchen, we must immediately
fall upon our knees. No matter what we were doing, however busily
employed, or however inconvenient it might be, every thing must be
left or set aside, that this senseless ceremony might be performed. The
priest must be honored, and woe to the poor nun who failed to move with
sufficient alacrity; no punishment short of death itself was thought too
severe for such criminal neglect. Sometimes it would happen that I would
be engaged in some employment with my back to the door, and not observe
the entrance of a priest until the general movement around me would
arrest my attention; then I would hasten to "make my manners," as the
ceremony was called; but all too late. I had been remiss in duty, and no
excuse would avail, no apology be accepted, no forgiveness granted; the
dreaded punishment must come.

While the nuns are thus severely treated, the priests, and the Holy
Mother live a very easy life, and have all the privileges they wish.
So far as the things of this world are concerned, they seem to enjoy
themselves very well. But I have sometimes wondered if conscience did
not give them occasionally, an unpleasant twinge; and from some things I
have seen, I believe, that with many of them, this is the fact. They may
try to put far from them all thoughts of a judgment to come, yet I
do believe that their slumbers are sometimes disturbed by fearful
forebodings of a just retribution which may, after all, be in store for
them. But whatever trouble of mind they may have, they do not allow it
to interfere with their worldly pleasures, and expensive luxuries. They
have money enough, go when, and where they please, eat the richest food
and drink the choicest wines. In short, if sensual enjoyment was
the chief end of their existence, I do not know how they could act
otherwise. The Abbesses are sometimes allowed to go out, but not unless
they have a pass from one of the priests, and if, at any time, they have
reason to suspect that some one is discontented, they will not allow any
one to go out of the building without a careful attendant.

My Superior here, as in the White Nunnery, was very kind to me. I
sometimes feared she would share the fate of Father Darity, for she had
a kind heart, and was guilty of many benevolent acts, which, if known,
would have subjected her to very serious consequences. I became so much
attached to her, that my fears for her were always alarmed when she
called me her good little girl, or used any such endearing expression.
The sequel of my story will show that my fears were not unfounded; but
let me not anticipate. Sorrows will thicken fast enough, if we do not
hasten them.

I lived with this Superior one year before I was consecrated, and it
was, comparatively, a happy season. I was never punished unless it was
to save me from less merciful hands; and then I would be shut up in a
closet, or some such simple thing. The other four girls who occupied the
room with me, were consecrated at the same time.

The Bishop came to our room early one morning, and took us to the
chapel. At the door we were made to kneel, and then crawl on our hands
and knees to the altar, where sat a man, who we were told, was the
Archbishop. Two little boys came up from under the altar, with the
vesper lamp to burn incense. I suppose they were young Apostles, for
they looked very much like those we had seen at the White Nunnery, and
were dressed in the same manner. The Bishop turned his back, and they
threw incense on his head and shoulders, until he was surrounded by a
cloud of smoke. He bowed his head, smote upon his breast, and repeated
something in latin, or some other language, that we did not understand.
We were told to follow his example, and did so, as nearly as possible.
This ceremony over, the Bishop told us to go up on to the altar on our
knees, and when this feat was performed to his satisfaction, he placed a
crown of thorns upon each of our heads. These crowns were made of
bands of some firm material, which passed over the head and around the
forehead. On the inside thorns were fastened, with the points downward,
so that a very slight pressure would cause them to pierce the skin. This
I suppose is intended to imitate the crown of thorns which our Saviour
wore upon the cross. But what will it avail them to imitate the
crucifixion and the crown of thorns, while justice and mercy are so
entirely neglected? What will it avail to place a crown of thorns upon
a child's head, or to bid her kneel before the image of the Saviour, or
travel up stairs on her knees, while the way of salvation by Christ is
never explained to her; while of real religion, holiness of heart,
and purity of life she is as ignorant as the most benighted, degraded
heathen? Is it rational to suppose that the mere act of repeating
a prayer can heal the wounded spirit, or give peace to a troubled
conscience? Can the most cruel penance remove the sense of guilt, or
whisper hope to the desponding soul? Ah, no! I have tried it long enough
to speak with absolute certainty. For years I practiced these senseless
mummeries, and if there were any virtue, in them, I should, most
certainly have discovered it. But I know full well, and my reader knows
that they cannot satisfy the restless yearnings of the immortal mind.
They may delude the vulgar, but they cannot dispel the darkness of the
tomb, they cannot lead a soul to Christ.

On leaving the chapel after the ceremony, I found a new Superior,
waiting for us at the door to conduct us to our rooms. We were all very
much surprised at this, but she informed us that our old Superior died
that morning, that she was already buried, and she had come to take her
place. I could not believe this story, for she came to us as usual that
morning, appeared in usual health, though always very pale, and made no
complaint, or exhibited any signs of illness. She told us in her kind
and pleasant way that we were to be consecrated, gave us a few words of
advice, but said nothing about leaving us, and I do not believe she even
thought of such a thing. Little did I think, when she left us, that I
was never to see her again. But so it was. In just two hours and a half
from that time, we were told that she was dead and buried, and another
filled her place! A probable story, truly! I wonder if they thought we
believed it! But whether we did or not, that was all we could ever know
about it. No allusion was ever made to the subject, and nuns are not
allowed to ask questions. However excited we might feel, no information
could we seek as to the manner of her death. Whether she died by
disease, or by the hand of violence; whether her gentle spirit
peacefully winged its way to the bosom of its God, or was hastily driven
forth upon the dagger's point, whether some kind friend closed her eyes
in death, and decently robed her cold limbs for the grave, or whether
torn upon the agonizing rack, whether she is left to moulder away in
some dungeon's gloom, or thrown into the quickly consuming fire, we
could never know. These, and many other questions that might have been
asked, will never be answered until the last great day, when the grave
shall give up its dead, and, the prison disclose its secrets.

After the consecration we were separated, and only one of the girls
remained with me. The others I never saw again. We were put into a large
room, where were three beds, one large and two small ones. In the large
bed the Superior slept, while I occupied one of the small beds and the
other little nun the other. Our new Superior was very strict, and we
were severely punished for the least trifle--such, for instance, as
making a noise, either in our own room or in the kitchen. We might not
even smile, or make motions to each other, or look in each other's face.
We must keep our eyes on our work or on the floor, in token of humility.
To look a person full in the face was considered an unpardonable act of
boldness. On retiring for the night we were required to lie perfectly
motionless. We might not move a hand or foot, or even a finger. At
twelve the bell rang for prayers, when we must rise, kneel by our beds,
and repeat prayers until the second bell, when we again retired to rest.
On cold winter nights these midnight prayers were a most cruel penance.
It did seem as though I should freeze to death. But live or die, the
prayers must be said, and the Superior was always there to see that we
were not remiss in duty. If she slept at all I am sure it must have
been with one eye open, for she saw everything. But if I obeyed in this
thing, I found it impossible to lie as still as they required; I would
move when I was asleep without knowing it. This of course could not be
allowed, and for many weeks I was strapped down to my bed every night,
until I could sleep without the movement of a muscle. I was very anxious
to do as nearly right as possible, for I thought if they saw that I
strove with all my might to obey, they would perhaps excuse me if I did
fail to conquer impossibilities. In this, however, I was disappointed;
and I at length became weary of trying to do right, for they would
inflict severe punishments for the most trifling accident. In fact, if
I give anything like a correct account of my convent life, it will be
little else than a history of punishments. Pains, trials, prayers, and
mortifications filled up the time. Penance was the rule, to escape it
the exception.

I neglected at the proper time to state what name was given me when I
took the veil; I may therefore as well say in this place that my convent
name was Sister Agnes.




CHAPTER VIII.

CONFESSION AND SORROW OF NO AVAIL.

It was a part of my business to wait upon the priests in their rooms,
carry them water, clean towels, wine-glasses, or anything they needed.
When entering a priest's room it was customary for a child to knock
twice, an adult four times, and a priest three times. This rule I
was very careful to observe. Whenever a priest opened the door I was
required to courtesy, and fall upon my knees; but if it was opened by
one of the waiters this ceremony was omitted. These waiters were the
boys I have before mentioned, called apostles. It was also a part of my
business to wait upon them, carry them clean frocks, etc.

One day I was carrying a pitcher of water to one of the priests, and it
being very heavy, it required both my hands and nearly all my strength
to keep it upright. On reaching the door, however, I attempted to hold
it with one hand (as I dare not set it down), while I rapped with the
other. In so doing I chanced to spill a little water on the floor. Just
at that moment the door was opened by the priest himself, and when he
saw the water he was very angry. He caught me by the arm and asked what
punishment he should inflict upon me for being so careless. I attempted
to explain how it happened, told him it was an accident, that I was very
sorry, and would try to be more careful in future. But I might as well
have said that I was glad, and would do so again, for my confession,
sorrow, and promises of future obedience were entirely thrown away,
and might as well have been kept for some one who could appreciate the
feeling that prompted them.

He immediately led me out of his room, it being on the second floor, and
down into the back yard. Here, in the centre of the gravel walk, was
a grate where they put down coal. This grate he raised and bade me
go down. I obeyed, and descending a few steps found myself in a coal
cellar, the floor being covered with it for some feet in depth. On this
we walked some two rods, perhaps, when the priest stopped, and with a
shovel that stood near cleared away the coal and lifted a trap door.
Through this we descended four or five steps, and proceeded along
a dark, narrow passage, so low we could not stand erect, and the
atmosphere so cold and damp it produced the most uncomfortable
sensations. By the light of a small lantern which the priest carried in
his hand, I was enabled to observe on each side the passage small doors,
a few feet apart, as far as I could see. Some of them were open, others
shut, and the key upon the outside. In each of these doors there was
a small opening, with iron bars across it, through which the prisoner
received food, if allowed to have any. One of these doors I was directed
to enter, which I did with some difficulty, the place being so low, and
I was trembling with cold and fear. The priest crawled in after me
and tied me to the back part of the cell, leaving me there in midnight
darkness, and locking the door after him. I could hear on all sides, as
it seemed to me, the sobs, groans, and shrieks of other prisoners,
some of whom prayed earnestly for death to release them from their
sufferings.

For twenty-four hours I was left to bear as I best could the pains and
terrors of cold, hunger, darkness, and fatigue. I could neither sit or
lie down, and every one knows how very painful it is to stand upon the
feet a long time, even when the position can be slightly changed; how
much more so when no change can be effected, but the same set of muscles
kept continually on the stretch for the space of twenty-four hours!
Moreover, I knew not how long I should be kept there. The other
prisoners, whose agonizing cries fell upon my ears, were evidently
suffering all the horrors of starvation. Was I to meet a fate like this?
Were those terrible sufferings in reserve for me? How could I endure
them? And then came the thought so often present with me while in the
convent, "If there is a God in heaven, why does He permit such things?
What have I done that I should become the victim of such cruelty? God of
mercy!" I involuntarily exclaimed, "save me from this terrible death."

My prayer was heard, my petition granted. At the close of twenty-four
hours, the Lady Superior came and released me from my prison, told me to
go to the priest and ask his forgiveness, and then go to my work in the
kitchen. I was very faint and weak from my long fast, and I resolved
never to offend again. I verily thought I could be careful enough to
escape another such punishment. But I had not been in the kitchen one
hour, when I chanced to let a plate fall upon the floor. It was in
no way injured, but I had broken the rules by making a noise, and the
Superior immediately reported me to the priest. He soon appeared with
his bunch of keys and a dark lantern in his hand. He took me by the ear
which he pinched till he brought tears to my eyes, saying, "You don't
try to do well, and I'll make you suffer the consequences." I did not
reply, for I had learned that to answer a priest, or seek to vindicate
myself, or even to explain how things came to be so, was in itself
a crime, to be severely punished. However unjust their treatment,
or whatever my feelings might be, I knew it was better to suffer in
silence.

Unlocking a door that opened out of the kitchen, and still keeping hold
of my ear, he led me into a dark, gloomy hall, with black walls, and
opening a door on the right, he bade me enter. This room was lighted
by a candle, and around the sides, large iron hooks with heavy chains
attached to them, were driven into the wall. At the back part of the
room, he opened the door, and bade me enter a small closet. He then put
a large iron ring over my head, and pressed it down upon my shoulders.
Heavy weights were placed in my hands, and I was told to stand up
straight, and hold them fifteen minutes. This I could not do. Had my
life depended upon the effort, I could not have stood erect, with those
weights in my hands. The priest, however, did not reprove me. Perhaps he
saw that I exerted all my strength to obey, for he took out his watch,
and slowly counted the minutes as they passed. Ere a third part of the
time expired, he was obliged to release me, for the blood gushed from
my nose and mouth, and I began to feel faint and dizzy. The irons were
removed, and the blood ceased to flow.

I was then taken to another room, lighted like the other, but it was
damp and cold, and pervaded by a strong, fetid, and very offensive odor.
The floor was of wood, and badly stained with blood. At least, I
thought it was blood, but there was not light enough to enable me to
say positively what it was. In the middle of the room, stood two long
tables, on each of which, lay a corpse, covered with a white cloth. The
priest led me to these tables, removed the cloth and bade me look upon
the face of the dead. They were very much emaciated, and the features,
even in death, bore the impress of terrible suffering. We stood there a
few moments, when he again led me back to his own room. He then asked
me what I thought of what I had seen. Having taken no food for more than
twenty-four hours, I replied, "I am so hungry, I can think of nothing
else." "How would you like to eat those dead bodies?" he asked. "I would
starve, Sir, before I would do it," I replied. "Would you?" said he,
with a slight sneer. "Yes indeed," I exclaimed, striving to suppress my
indignant feelings. "What! eat the flesh of a corpse? You do not mean
it. I would starve to death first!" Frightened at my own temerity in
speaking so boldly, I involuntarily raised my eye. The peculiar smile
upon his face actually chilled my blood with terror. He did not,
however, seem to notice me, but said, "Do not be too sure; I have seen
others quite as sure as you are, yet they were glad to do it to save
their lives; and remember," he added significantly, "you will do it too
if you are not careful." He then ordered me to return to the kitchen.

At ten o'clock in the morning, the nuns had a slice of bread and cup
of water; but, as I had been fasting, they gave me a bowl of gruel,
composed of indian meal and water, with a little salt. A poor dinner
this, for a hungry person, but I could have no more. At eleven, we went
to mass in the chapel as usual. It was our custom to have mass
every day, and I have been told that this is true of all Romish
establishments. Returning to my work in the kitchen, I again resolved
that I would be so careful, that, in future they should have no cause
for complaint For two days I succeeded. Yes, for two whole days, I
escaped punishment. This I notice as somewhat remarkable, because I was
generally punished every day, and sometimes two or three times in a day.

On the third morning, I was dusting the furniture in the room occupied
by the priest above mentioned, who treated me so cruelly. The floor
being uncarpeted, in moving the chairs I chanced to make a slight noise,
although I did my best to avoid it. He immediately sprang to his feet,
exclaiming, "You careless dog! What did you do that for?" Then taking me
by the arms, he gave me a hard shake, saying, "Have I not told you that
you would be punished, if you made a noise? But I see how it is with
you; your mind is on the world, and you think more of that, than you do
of the convent. But I shall punish you until you do your duty better."
He concluded this choice speech by telling me to "march down stairs." Of
course, I obeyed, and he followed me, striking me on the head at every
step, with a book he held in his hand. I thought to escape some of the
blows, and hastened along, but all in vain; he kept near me and drove
me before him into the priests sitting-room. He then sent for three more
priests, to decide upon my punishment. A long consultation they held
upon "this serious business," as I sneeringly thought it, but the result
was serious in good earnest, I assure you. For the heinous offence of
making a slight noise I was to have dry peas bound upon my knees, and
then be made to crawl to St. Patrick's church, through an underground
passage, and back again. This church was situated on a hill, a little
more than a quarter of a mile from the convent. Between the two
buildings, an under-ground passage had been constructed, just large
enough to allow a person to crawl through it on the hands and knees. It
was so low, and narrow, that it was impossible either to rise, or turn
around; once within that passage there was no escape, but to go on to
the end. They allowed me five hours to go and return; and to prove that
I had really been there, I was to make a cross, and two straight lines,
with a bit of chalk, upon a black-board that I should find at the end.

O, the intolerable agonies I endured on that terrible pathway! Any
description that I can give, will fail to convey the least idea of the
misery of those long five hours. It may, perchance, seem a very simple
mode of punishment, but let any one just try it, and they will be
convinced that it was no trifling thing. At the end, I found myself in
a cellar under the church, where there was light enough to enable me to
find the board and the chalk. I made the mark according to orders, and
then looked around for some means of escape. Alas! There was none to be
found. Strong iron bars firmly secured the only door, and a very slight
examination convinced me that my case was utterly hopeless. I then tried
to remove the peas from my swollen, bleeding limbs, but this, too, I
found impossible. They were evidently fastened by a practised hand; and
I was, at length, compelled to believe that I must return as I came. I
did return; but O, how, many times I gave up in despair, and thought
I could go no further! How many times did I stretch myself on the cold
stones, in such bitter agony, that I could have welcomed death as a
friend and deliverer! What would I not have given for one glass of cold
water, or even for a breath of fresh air! My limbs seemed on fire,
and while great drops of perspiration fell from my face, my throat and
tongue were literally parched with thirst. But the end came at last, and
I found the priest waiting for me at the entrance. He seemed very angry,
and said, "You have been gone over your time. There was no need of it;
you could have returned sooner if you had chosen to do so, and now,
I shall punish you again, for being gone so long." At first, his
reproaches grieved me, for I had done my best to please him, and I did
so long for one word of sympathy, it seemed for a moment, as though my
heart would break. Had he then spoken one kind word to me, or manifested
the least compassion for my sufferings, I could have forgiven the past,
and obeyed him with feelings of love and gratitude for the future. Yes,
I would have done anything for that man, if I could have felt that he
had the least pity for me; but when he said he should punish me again,
my heart turned to stone. Every tender emotion vanished, and a fierce
hatred, a burning indignation, and thirst for revenge, took possession
of my soul.




CHAPTER IX.

ALONE WITH THE DEAD.

The priest removed the peas from my limbs, and led me to a tomb under
the chapel, where he left me, with the consoling assurance that "THE
DEAD WOULD RISE AND EAT ME!" This tomb was a large rectangular room,
with shelves on three sides of it, on which were the coffins of priests
and Superiors who had died in the nunnery. On the floor under the
shelves, were large piles of human bones, dry and white, and some of
them crumbling into dust. In the center of the room was a large tank of
water, several feet in diameter, called St. Joseph's well. It occupied
the whole center of the room leaving a very narrow pathway between that,
and the shelves; so narrow, indeed, that I found it impossible to sit
down, and exceedingly difficult to walk or even stand still. I was
obliged to hold firmly by the shelves, to avoid slipping into the water
which looked dark and deep. The priest said, when he left me, that if I
fell in, I would drown, for no one could take me out.

O, how my heart thrilled with superstitious terror when I heard the key
turn in the lock, and realized that I was alone with the dead! And that
was not the worst of it. They would rise and eat me! For a few hours
I stood as though paralyzed with fear. A cold perspiration covered my
trembling limbs, as I watched those coffins with the most painful and
serious apprehension. Every moment I expected the fearful catastrophe,
and even wondered which part they would devour first--whether one would
come alone and thus kill me by inches, or whether they would all rise
at once, and quickly make an end of me. I even imagined I could see the
coffins move--that I heard the dead groan and sigh and even the sound of
my own chattering teeth, I fancied to be a movement among the dry bones
that lay at my feet. In the extremity of terror I shrieked aloud. But
this I knew was utterly useless. Who would hear me? Or who would care if
they did hear? I was surrounded by walls that no sound could penetrate,
and if it could, it would fall upon ears deaf to the agonizing cry for
mercy,--upon hearts that feel no sympathy for human woe.

Some persons may be disposed to smile at this record of absurd and
superstitions fear. But to me it was no laughing affair. Had not the
priest said that the dead would rise and eat me? And did I not firmly
believe that what he said was true? What! A priest tell a falsehood?
Impossible. I thought it could not be; yet as hour after hour passed
away, and no harm came to me, I began to exercise my reason a little,
and very soon came to the conclusion that the priests are not the
immaculate, infallible beings I had been taught to believe. Cruel
and hard hearted, I knew them to be, but I did not suspect them of
falsehood. Hitherto I had supposed it was impossible for them to do
wrong, or to err in judgement; all their cruel acts being done for the
benefit of the soul, which in some inexplicable way was to be benefited
by the sufferings of the body. Now, however, I began to question the
truth of many things I had seen and heard, and ere long I lost all faith
in them, or in the terrible system of bigotry, cruelty and fraud, which
they call religion.

As the hours passed by and my fears vanished before the calm light of
reason, I gradually gained sufficient courage to enable me to examine
the tomb, thinking that I might perchance discover the body of my old
Superior. For this purpose I accordingly commenced the circuit of the
room, holding on by the shelves, and making my way slowly onward. One
coffin I succeeded in opening, but the sight of the corpse so frightened
me, I did not dare to open another. The room being brilliantly lighted
with two large spermaceti candles at one end, and a gas burner at the
other, I was enabled to see every feature distinctly.

One of the nuns informed me that none but priests and Superiors are laid
in that tomb. When these die in full communion with the church, the body
is embalmed, and placed here, but it sometimes happens that a priest or
Superior is found in the convent who does not believe all that is taught
by the church of Rome. They desire to investigate the subject--to seek
for more light--more knowledge of the way of salvation by Christ. This,
with the Romanists is a great sin, and the poor hapless victim is at
once placed under punishment. If they die in this condition, their
bodies are cast out as heretics, but if they confess and receive
absolution, they are placed in the tomb, but not embalmed. The flesh, of
course, decays, and then the bones are thrown under the shelves. Never
shall I forget how frightful those bones appeared to me, or the cold
shudder that thrilled my frame at the sight of the numerous human skulls
that lay scattered around.

Twenty-four hours I spent in this abode of the dead, without rest or
sleep. The attempt to obtain either would have been sheer madness, for
the least mis-step, the least unguarded motion, or a slight relaxation
of the firm grasp by which I held on to the shelves, would have plunged
me headlong into the dark water, from which escape would have been
impossible. For thirty hours I had not tasted food, and my limbs,
mangled and badly swollen, were so stiff with long standing, that, when
allowed to leave the tomb, I could hardly step. When the priest came to
let me out, he seemed to think it necessary to say something to cover
his attempt to deceive and frighten me, but he only made a bad matter
worse. He said that after he left me, he thought he would try me once
more, and see if I would not do my duty better; he had, therefore,
WILLED THE DEAD NOT TO EAT ME! AND THEY, OBEDIENT TO HIS WILL, WERE
COMPELLED TO LET ME ALONE! I did not reply to this absurd declaration,
lest I should say something I ought not, and again incur his
displeasure. Indeed, I was not expected to say anything, unless I
returned thanks for his unparalleled kindness, and I was not hypocrite
enough for that. I suppose he thought I believed all he said, but he was
greatly mistaken. If I began to doubt his word while in the tomb, this
ridiculous pretence only served to add contempt to unbelief, and from
that time I regarded him as a deceiver, and a vile, unscrupulous,
hypocritical pretender.

It was with the greatest difficulty that I again made my way to the
kitchen. I was never very strong, even when allowed my regular meals,
for the quantity, was altogether insufficient, to satisfy the demands
of nature; and now I had been so long without anything to eat, I was
so weak, and my limbs so stiff and swollen, I could hardly stand. I
managed, however, to reach the kitchen, when I was immediately seated at
the table and presented with a bowl of gruel. O, what a luxury it seemed
to me, and how eagerly did I partake of it! It was soon gone, and I
looked around for a further supply. Another nun, who sat at the table
with me, with a bowl of gruel before her, noticed my disappointment when
I saw that I was to have no more. She was a stranger to me, and so pale
and emaciated she looked more like a corpse than a living person. She
had tasted a little of her gruel, but her stomach was too weak to retain
it, and as soon as the Superior left us she took it up and poured the
whole into my bowl, making at the same time a gesture that gave me to
understand that it was of no use to her, and she wished me to eat it I
did not wait for a second invitation, and she seemed pleased to see me
accept it so readily. We dared not speak, but we had no difficulty in
understanding each other.

I had but just finished my gruel when the Superior came back and desired
me to go up stairs and help tie a mad nun. I think she did this simply
for the purpose of giving me a quiet lesson in convent life, and showing
me the consequences of resistance or disobedience. She must have known
that I was altogether incapable of giving the assistance she pretended
to ask. But I followed her as fast as possible, and when she saw how
difficult it was for me to get up stairs, she walked slowly and gave me
all the time I wished for. She led me into a small room and closed the
door. There I beheld a scene that called forth my warmest sympathy,
and at the same time excited feelings of indignation that will never be
subdued while reason retains her throne. In the center of the room sat
a young girl, who could not have been more than sixteen years old; and a
face and form of such perfect symmetry, such surpassing beauty, I never
saw. She was divested of all her clothing except one under-garment, and
her hands and feet securely tied to the chair on which she sat. A priest
stood beside her, and as we entered he bade us assist him in removing
the beds from the bedstead. They then took the nun from her chair and
laid her on the bedcord. They desired me to assist them, but my heart
failed me. I could not do it, for I was sure they were about to kill
her; and as I gazed upon those calm, expressive features, so pale and
sad, yet so perfectly beautiful, I felt that it would be sacrilege for
me to raise my hand against nature's holiest and most exquisite work. I
therefore assured them that I was too weak to render the assistance they
required. At first they attempted to compel me to do it; but, finding
that I was really very weak, and unwilling to use what strength I had,
they at length permitted me to stand aside. When they extended the poor
girl on the cord, she said, very quietly, "I am not mad, and you know
that I am not." To this no answer was given, but they calmly proceeded
with their fiendish work. One of them tied her feet, while the other
fastened a rope across her neck in such a way that if she attempted to
raise her head it would strangle her. The rope was then fastened under
the bedcord, and two or three times over her person. Her arms were
extended, and fastened in the same way. As she lay thus, like a lamb
bound for the sacrifice, she looked up at her tormentors and said, "Will
the Lord permit me to die in this cruel way?" The priest immediately
exclaimed, in an angry tone, "Stop your talk, you mad woman!" and
turning to me, he bade me go back to the kitchen. It is probable he saw
the impression on my mind was not just what they desired, therefore he
hurried me away.

All this time the poor doomed nun submitted quietly to her fate. I
suppose she thought it useless, yea, worse than useless, to resist; for
any effort she might make to escape would only provoke them, and they
would torment her the more. I presume she thought her last hour had
come, and the sooner she was out of her misery the better. As for me,
my heart was so filled with terror, anguish, and pity for her, I could
hardly obey the command to leave the room.

I attempted to descend the stairs, but was obliged to go very slowly on
account of the stiffness of my limbs, and before I reached the bottom of
the first flight the priest and the Superior came out into the hall. I
heard them whispering together, and I paused to listen. This, I know,
was wrong; but I could not help it, and I was so excited I did not
realize what I was doing. My anxiety for that girl overpowered every
other feeling. At first I could only hear the sound of their voices; but
soon they spoke more distinctly, and I heard the words. "What shall we
do with her? she will never confess." In an audible tone of voice, the
other replied, "We had better finish her." How those words thrilled my
soul! I knew well enough that they designed "to finish her," but to hear
the purpose announced so coolly, it was horrible. Was there no way that
I could save her? Must I stand there, and know that a fellow-creature
was being murdered, that a young girl like myself, in all the freshness
of youth and the fullness of health, was to be cut off in the very
prime of life and numbered with the dead; hurried out of existence and
plunged, unwept, unlamented, into darkness and silence? She had friends,
undoubtedly, but they would never be allowed to know her sad fate, never
shed a tear upon her grave! I could not endure the thought. I felt that
if I lingered there another moment I should be in danger of madness
myself; for I could not help her. I could not prevent the consummation
of their cruel purpose; I therefore hastened away, and this was the last
I ever heard of that poor nun. I had never seen her before, and as I did
not see her clothes, I could not even tell whether she belonged to our
nunnery or not.




CHAPTER X.

THE SICK NUN.

On my return to the kitchen I found the sick nun sitting as we left her.
She asked me, by signs, if we were alone. I told her she need not fear
to speak, for the Superior was two flights of stairs above, and no one
else was near. "Are they all away?" she whispered. I assured her that
we were quite alone, that she had nothing to fear. She then informed me
that she had been nine days under punishment, that when taken from the
cell she could not stand or speak, and she was still too weak to walk
without assistance. "O!" said she, and the big tears rolled over her
cheeks as she said it, "I have not a friend in the world. You do not
know how my heart longs for love, for sympathy and kindness." I asked if
she had not parents, or friends, in the world. She replied, "I was born
in this convent, and know no world but this. You see," she continued,
with a sad smile, "what kind of friends I have here. O, if I HAD A
FRIEND, if I could feel that one human being cares for me, I should get
better. But it is so long since I heard a kind word--" a sob choked her
utterance. I told her I would be a friend to her as far as I could. She
thanked me; said she was well aware of the difficulties that lay in my
way, for every expression of sympathy or kind feeling between the nuns
was strictly forbidden, and if caught in anything of the kind a severe
correction would follow. "But," said she "if you will give me a kind
look sometimes, whenever you can do so with safety, it will be worth a
great deal to me. You do not know the value of a kind look to a breaking
heart."

She wept so bitterly, I feared it would injure her health, and to divert
her mind, I told her where I was born; spoke of my childhood, and of
my life at the White Nunnery. She wiped away her tears, and replied, "I
know all about it. I have heard the priests talk about you, and they say
that your father is yet living, that your mother was a firm protestant,
and that it will be hard for them to beat Catholicism into you. But I
do not know how you came in that nunnery. Who put you there?" I told her
that I was placed there by my father, when only six years old. "Is
it possible?" she exclaimed, and then added passionately, "Curse your
father for it." After a moments silence, she continued, "Yes, child;
you have indeed cause to curse your father, and the day when you first
entered the convent; but you do not suffer as much as you would if you
had been born here, and were entirely dependent on them. They fear
that your friends may sometime look after you; and, in case they are
compelled to grant them an interview, they would wish them to find you
in good health and contented; but if you had no influential friends
outside the convent, you would find yourself much worse off than you are
now."

She then said she wished she could get some of the brandy from the
cellar. Her stomach was so weak from long fasting, it would retain
neither food or drink, and she thought the brandy would give it
strength. She asked if I could get it for her. The idea frightened me at
first, for I knew that if caught in doing it, I should be most cruelly
punished, yet my sympathy for her at length overcame my fears, and I
resolved to try, whatever might be the result. I accordingly went up
stairs, ostensibly, to see if the Superior wanted me, but really, to
find out where she was, and whether she would be likely to come down,
before I could have time to carry out my plan. I trembled a little,
for I knew that I was guilty of a great misdemeanor in thus boldly
presenting myself to ask if I was wanted; but I thought it no very great
sin to pretend that I thought she called me, for I was sure my motives
were good, whatever they might think of them. I had been taught that
"the end sanctifies the means," and I thought I should not be too hardly
judged by the great searcher of hearts, if, for once, I applied it in my
own way.

I knocked gently at the door I had left but a few moments before. It was
opened by the Superior, but she immediately stepped out, and closed it
again, so that I had no opportunity to see what was passing within.
She sternly bade me return to the kitchen, and stay there till she came
down; a command I was quite ready to obey. In the kitchen there was a
small cupboard, called the key cupboard, in which they kept keys of all
sizes belonging to the establishment. They were hung on hooks, each one
being marked with the name of the place to which it belonged. It was
easy for me to find the key to the cellar, and having obtained it, I
opened another cupboard filled with bottles and vials, where I selected
one that held half a pint, placed it in a large pitcher, and hastened
down stairs. I soon found a cask marked "brandy," turned the faucet, and
filled the bottle. But my heart beat violently, and my hand trembled
so that I could not hold it steady, and some of it ran over into the
pitcher. It was well for me that I took this precaution, for if I had
spilt it on the stone floor of the cellar, I should have been detected
at once. I ran up stairs as quickly as possible, and made her drink what
I had in the pitcher, though there was more of it than I should have
given her under other circumstances; but I did not know what to do
with it. If I put it in the fire, or in the sink, I thought they would
certainly smell it, and, there was no other place, for I was not allowed
to go out of doors. I then replaced the key, washed up my pitcher, and
secreted the bottle of brandy in the waist of the nun's dress. This
I could easily do, their dresses being made with a loose waist, and a
large cape worn over them. I then began to devise some way to destroy
the scent in the room. I could smell it very distinctly, and I knew that
the Superior would notice it at once. After trying various expedients to
no purpose, I at length remembered that I had once seen a dry rag set on
fire for a similar purpose. I therefore took one of the cloths from the
sink, and set it on fire, let it burn a moment, and threw it under the
caldron.

I was just beginning to congratulate myself on my success, when I saw
that the nun appeared insensible, and about to fall from her chair. I
caught her in my arms, and leaned her back in the chair, but I did not
dare to lay her on the bed, without permission, even if I had strength
to do it. I could only draw her chair to the side of the room, put a
stick of wood under it, and let her head rest against the wall. I was
very much frightened, and for a moment, thought she was dead. She was
pale as a corpse, her eyes closed, and her mouth wide open. Had I really
killed her? What if the Superior should find her thus? I soon found that
she was not dead, for her heart beat regularly, and I began to hope she
would get over it before any one came in. But just as the thought passed
my mind, the door opened and the Superior appeared. Her first words
were, "What have you been burning? What smells so?" I told her there was
a cloth about the sink that I thought unfit for use, and I put it
under the caldron. She then turned towards the nun and asked if she had
fainted. I told her that I did not know, but I thought she was asleep,
and if she wished me to awaken, and assist her to bed, I would do so. To
this she consented, and immediately went up stairs again. Glad as I was
of this permission, I still doubted my ability to do it alone, for I had
little, very little strength; yet I resolved to do my best. It was long,
however, before I could arouse her, or make her comprehend what I said,
so entirely were her senses stupified with the brandy. When at length I
succeeded in getting her upon her feet, she said she was sure she could
not walk; but I encouraged her to help herself as much as possible, told
her that I wished to get her away before any one came in, or we would
be certainly found out and punished. This suggestion awakened her fears,
and I at length succeeded in assisting her to bed. She was soon in a
sound sleep, and I thought my troubles for that time were over. But
I was mistaken. In my fright, I had quite forgotten the brandy in her
dress. Somehow the bottle was cracked, and while she slept, the brandy
ran over her clothes. The Superior saw it, and asked how she obtained
it. Too noble minded to expose me, she said she drew it herself. I
heard the Superior talking to a priest about it, and I thought they were
preparing to punish her. I did not know what she had told them, but I
did not think she would expose me, and I feared, if they punished her
again, she would die in their hands.

I therefore went to the Superior and told her the truth about it, for
I thought a candid confession on my part might, perchance, procure
forgiveness for the nun, if not for myself. But no; they punished us
both; the nun for telling the lie, and me for getting the brandy. For
two hours they made me stand with a crown of thorns on my head, while
they alternately employed themselves in burning me with hot irons,
pinching, and piercing me with needles, pulling my hair, and striking
me with sticks. All this I bore very well, for I was hurt just enough to
make me angry.

When I returned to the kitchen again, the nun was sitting there alone.
She shook her head at me, and by her gestures gave me to understand that
some one was listening. She afterwards informed me that the Superior was
watching us, to see if we would speak to each other when we met. I do
not know how they punished her, but I heard a priest say that she would
die if she suffered much more. Perhaps they thought the loss of that
precious bottle of brandy was punishment enough. But I was glad I got
it for her, for she had one good dose of it, and it did her good;
her stomach was stronger, her appetite better, and in a few weeks she
regained her usual health.

One day, while at work as usual, I was called up stairs with the other
nuns to see one die. She lay upon the bed, and looked pale and thin, but
I could see no signs of immediate dissolution. Her voice was strong, and
respiration perfectly natural, the nuns were all assembled in her room
to see her die. Beside her stood a priest, earnestly exhorting her to
confess her sins to him, and threatening her with eternal punishment if
she refused. But she replied, "No, I will not confess to you. If, as
you say, I am really dying, it is with my God I have to do; to him alone
will I confess, for he alone can save." "If you do not confess to me,"
exclaimed the priest, "I will give you up to the devil." "Well," said
she, "I stand in no fear of a worse devil than you are, and I am quite
willing to leave you at any time, and try any other place; even hell
itself cannot be worse. I cannot suffer more there than I have here."
"Daughter," exclaimed the priest, with affected sympathy, "must I give
you up? How can I see you go down to perdition? It is not yet too late.
Confess your sins and repent." "I have already confessed my sins to God,
and I shall confess to no one else. He alone can save me." Her manner of
saying this was solemn but very decided. The priest saw that she would
not yield to his wishes, and raising his voice, he exclaimed, "Then let
the devil take you."

Immediately the door opened, and a figure representing the Roman
Catholic idea of his Satanic Majesty entered the room. He was very
black, and covered with long hair, probably the skin of some wild
animal. He had two long white tusks, two horns on his head, a large
cloven foot, and a long tail that he drew after him on the floor. He
looked so frightful, and recalled to my mind so vividly the figure that
I saw at the White Nunnery, that I was very much frightened; still I did
not believe it was really a supernatural being. I suspected that it was
one of the priests dressed up in that way to frighten us, and I now
know that such was the fact. But what of that? We all feared the priests
quite as much as we should the Evil One himself, even if he should come
to us in bodily shape, as they pretended he had done. Most of the nuns
were very much frightened when they saw that figure walk up to the
bedside, taking good care, however, to avoid the priest, he being so
very holy it was impossible for an evil spirit to go near or even look
at him.

The priest then ordered us to return to the kitchen, for said he, "The
devil has come for this nun's soul, and will take it with him," As we
left the room I looked around on my companions and wondered if they
believed this absurd story. I longed to ask them what they thought of
it, but this was not allowed. All interchange of thought or feeling
being strictly forbidden, we never ventured to speak without permission
when so many of us were present, for some one was sure to tell of it if
the least rule was broken.

I was somewhat surprised at first that we were all sent to the kitchen,
as but few of us were employed there; but we were soon called back again
to look at the corpse. I was inexpressibly shocked at this summons, for
I had not supposed it possible for her to die so soon. But she was dead;
and that was all we could ever know about it. As we stood around the
bed, the priest said she was an example of those in the world called
heretics; that her soul was in misery, and would remain so forever; no
masses or prayers could avail her then, for she could never be prayed
out of hell. Sins like hers could never be forgiven.

I continued to work in the kitchen as usual for many months after this
occurrence, and for a few weeks the sick nun was there a great part of
the time. Whenever we were alone, and sure that no one was near, we used
to converse together, and a great comfort it was to us both. I felt that
I had found in her one real friend, to sympathize with me in my grievous
trials, and with whom I could sometimes hold communication without fear
of betrayal. I had proved her, and found her faithful, therefore I
did not fear to trust her. No one can imagine, unless they know by
experience, how much pleasure we enjoyed in the few stolen moments that
we spent together.

I shall never forget the last conversation I had with her. She came and
sat down where I was assisting another nun to finish a mat. She asked
us if we knew what was going on in the house. "As I came from my room,"
said she, "I saw the priests and Superiors running along the halls, and
they appeared so much excited, I thought something must be wrong. As
they passed me, they told me to go to the kitchen, and stay there. What
does it all mean?" Of course we did not know, for we had neither seen or
heard anything unusual. "Well," said she, "they are all so much engaged
up stairs, we can talk a little and not be overheard. I want to know
something about the people in the world. Are they really cruel and
cold-hearted, as the priests say they are? When you was in the world
were they unkind to you?" "On the contrary," I replied, "I would gladly
return to them again if I could get away from the convent. I should
not be treated any worse, at all events, and I shall embrace the-first
opportunity to go back to the world." "That is what I have always
thought since I was old enough to think at all," said she, "and I have
resolved a great many times to get away if possible. I suppose they tell
us about the cruelty in the world just to frighten us, and prevent us
from trying to escape. I am so weak now I do not suppose I could walk
out of Montreal even if I should leave the convent. But if I ever get
strong enough, I shall certainly try to escape from this horrible place.
O, I could tell you things about this convent that would curdle the
blood in your veins."

The other nun said that she had been once in the world, and every one
was kind to her. "I shall try to get out again, some day," said she,
"but we must keep our resolutions to ourselves, for there is no one
here, that we can trust. Those whom we think our best friends will
betray us, if we give them a chance. I do believe that some of them
delight in getting us punished."

The sick nun said, "I have never exposed any one and I never will. I
have the secrets of a great many hid in my breast, that nothing shall
ever extort from me." Here she was interrupted, and soon left the room.
I never saw her again. Whether she was under punishment, or was so
fortunate as to make her escape, I do not know. As no questions could
be asked, it was very little we could know of each other. If one of our
number escaped, the fact was carefully concealed from the rest, and if
she was caught and brought back, no one ever knew it, except those who
had charge of her. The other nun who worked in the room with me, watched
me very closely. Having heard me declare my intention to leave the first
opportunity, she determined to go with me if possible.




CHAPTER XI.

THE JOY OF FREEDOM.

At length the long sought opportunity arrived, and with the most extatic
joy we fled from the nunnery. The girl I have before mentioned, who
wished to go with me, and another nun, with whom I had no acquaintance,
were left in the kitchen to assist me, in taking charge of the cooking,
while the rest of the people were at mass in the chapel. A chance
presented for us to get away, and we all fled together, leaving the
cooking to take care of itself. We were assisted to get out of the yard,
but how, or by whom, I can never reveal. Death, in its most terrible
form would be the punishment for such an act of kindness, and knowing
this, it would be the basest ingratitude for me to name the individual
who so kindly assisted us in our perilous undertaking.

How well do I remember the emotions that thrilled my soul when I found
myself safely outside the walls of that fearful prison! The joy of
freedom--the hope of ultimate success--the fear of being overtaken,
and dragged back to misery or death, were considerations sufficiently
exciting to agitate our spirits, and lend fleetness to our steps. With
trembling limbs, and throbbing hearts we fled towards the St. Lawrence
river. Following the tow-path, we hastened on for a few miles, when one
of the nuns became exhausted, and said she could go no further. She
was very weak when we started, and the excitement and fatigue produced
serious illness. What should we do with her? We could not take her along
with us, and if we stopped with her, we might all be taken and carried
back. Must we leave her by the way-side? It was a fearful alternative,
but what else could we do? With sad hearts we took her to a shed near
by, and there we left her to her fate, whatever it might be; perchance
to die there alone, or what was still worse, be carried back to the
convent. It was indeed, a sorrowful parting, and we wept bitter tears
together, as we bade her a last farewell. I never saw or heard from her
again.

We pursued our way along the tow-path for a short distance, when the
canal boat came along. We asked permission to go upon the boat, and the
captain kindly granted it, but desired us to be very still. He carried
us twelve miles, and then proposed to leave us, as he exposed himself to
a heavy fine by carrying us without a pass, and unattended by a priest
or Superior. We begged him to take us as far as he went with the boat,
and frankly told him our situation. Having no money to offer, we could
only cast ourselves on his mercy, and implore his pity and assistance.
He consented to take us as far as the village of Beauharnois, and there
he left us. He did not dare take us further, lest some one might be
watching for us, and find us on his boat.

It was five o'clock in the morning when we left the boat, but it was
a Roman Catholic village, and we did not dare to stop. All that day we
pursued our way without food or drink, and at night we were tired and
hungry. Arriving at a small village, we ventured to stop at the most
respectable looking house, and asked the woman if she could keep us over
night. She looked at us very attentively and said she could not. We did
not dare to call again, for we knew that we were surrounded by those who
would think they were doing a good work to deliver us up to the priests.
Darkness came over the earth, but still weary and sleepy as we were, we
pursued our lonely way. I will not repeat our bitter reflections upon a
cold hearted world, but the reader will readily imagine what they were.

Late in the evening, we came to an old barn. I think it must have
been four or five miles from the village. There was no house, or other
building near it, and as no person was in sight, we ventured to enter.
Here, to our great joy, we found a quantity of clean straw, with which
we soon prepared a comfortable bed, where we could enjoy the luxury of
repose. We slept quietly through the night, and at the early dawn awoke,
refreshed and encouraged, but O, so hungry! Gladly would we have eaten
anything in the shape of food, but nothing could we find.

The morning star was yet shining brightly above us, as we again started
on our journey. At length our hearts were cheered by the sight of a
village. The first house we came to stood at some distance from the
other buildings, and we saw two women in a yard milking cows. We called
at the door, and asked the lady for some milk. "O yes," said she, with
a sweet smile, "come in, and rest awhile, and you shall have all you
want." She thought we were Sisters of Charity, for they often go about
visiting the sick, and praying with the people. It is considered a very
meritorious act to render them assistance, and speed them on their way;
but to help a runaway nun is to commit a crime of sufficient magnitude
to draw down the anathema of the church. Therefore, while we carefully
concealed our real character, we gratefully accepted the aid we so much
needed, but which, we were sure, would have been withheld had she known
to whom it was offered. After waiting till the cows were milked, and
she had finished her own breakfast, she filled a large earthen pan
with bread and milk, gave each of us a spoon, and we ate as much as
we wished. As we arose to depart, she gave each of us a large piece of
bread to carry with us, and asked us to pray with her. We accordingly
knelt in prayer; implored heaven's blessing on her household, and then
took our leave of this kind lady, never more to meet her on earth; but
she will never be forgotten.

That day we traveled a long distance, at least, so it seemed to us. When
nearly overcome with fatigue, we saw from the tow-path an island in the
river, and upon it a small house. Near the shore a man stood beside a
canoe. We made signs to him to come to us, and he immediately sprang
into his canoe and came over. We asked him to take us to the island, and
he cheerfully granted our request, but said we must sit very still, or
we would find ourselves in the water. I did not wonder he thought so,
for the canoe was very small, and the weight of three persons sank it
almost even with the surface of the river, while the least motion would
cause it to roll from side to side, so that we really felt that we were
in danger of a very uncomfortable bath if nothing worse.

We landed safely, however, and were kindly welcomed by the Indian
family in the house. Six squaws were sitting on the floor, some of them
smoking, others making shoes and baskets. They were very gayly dressed,
their skirts handsomely embroidered with beads and silk of various
colors. One of the girls seemed very intelligent, and conversed fluently
in the English language which she spoke correctly. But she did not
look at all like an Indian, having red hair and a lighter skin than the
others. She was the only one in the family that I could converse with,
as the rest of them spoke only their native dialect; but the nun who was
with me could speak both French and Indian.

They treated us with great kindness, gave us food, and invited in to
stay and live with them; said we could be very happy there, and to
induce us to remain, they informed us that the village we saw on the
other side of the river, called St. Regis, was inhabited by Indians, but
they were all Roman Catholics. They had a priest, and a church where
we could go to Mass every Sabbath. Little did they imagine that we were
fleeing for life from the Romish priests; that so far from being an
inducement to remain with them, this information was the very thing to
send us on our way with all possible speed. We did not dare to stay,
for I knew full well that if any one who had seen us went to confession,
they would be obliged to give information of our movements; and if one
priest heard of us, he would immediately telegraph to all the priests
in the United States and Canada, and we should be watched on every side.
Escape would then be nearly impossible, therefore we gently, but firmly
refused to accept the hospitality of these good people, and hastened to
bid them farewell.

I asked the girl how far it was to the United States. She said it was
two miles to Hogansburg, and that was in the States. We then asked the
man to take us in his canoe to the village of St. Regis on the other
side of the river. He consented, but, I thought, with some reluctance,
and before he allowed us to land, he conversed some minutes with the
Indians who met him on the shore. We could not hear what they said, but
my fears were at once awakened. I thought they suspected us, and if so,
we were lost. But the man came back at length, and, assisted us from the
boat. If he had any suspicions he kept them to himself.

Soon after we reached the shore I met a man, of whom I enquired when
a boat would start for Hogansburg. He gazed at us a moment, and then
pointed to five boats out in the river, and said those were the last
to go that day. They were then ready to start, and waited only for the
tow-boat to take them along. But they were so far away we could not get
to them, even if we dared risk ourselves among so many passengers. What
could we do? To stay there over night, was not to be thought of for a
moment. We were sure to be taken, and carried back, if we ventured to
try it. Yet there was but one alternative; either remain there till the
next day, or try to get a passage on the tow-boat. It did not take me a
long time to decide for myself, and I told the nun that I should go on,
if the captain would take me! "What! go on the tow-boat!" she exclaimed,
"There are no ladies on that boat, and I do not like to go with so
many men." "I am not afraid of the men," I replied, "if they are not
Romanists, and I am resolved to go." "Do not leave me," she cried, with
streaming tears. "I am sure we can get along better if we keep together,
but I dare not go on the boat." "And I dare not stay here," said I,
and so we parted. I to pursue my solitary way, she to go, I know not
whither. I gave her the parting hand, and have never heard from her
since, but I hope she succeeded better than I did, in her efforts to
escape.

I went directly to the captain of the boat and asked him if he could
carry me to the States. He said he should go as far as Ogdensburg, and
would carry me there, if I wished; or he could set me off at some place
where he stopped for wood and water. When I told him I had no money to
pay him, he smiled, and asked if I was a run-a-way. I frankly confessed
that I was, for I thought it was better for me to tell the truth than
to try to deceive. "Well," said the captain, "I will not betray you; but
you had better go to my state-room and stay there." I thanked him, but
said I would rather stay where I was. He then gave me the key to his
room, and advised me to go in and lock the door, "for," said he, "we are
not accustomed to have ladies in this boat, and the men may annoy you.
You will find it more pleasant and comfortable to stay there alone."
Truly grateful for his kindness, and happy to escape from the gaze of
the men, I followed his direction; nor did I leave the room again until
I left the boat. The captain brought me my meals, but did not attempt to
enter the room. There was a small window with a spring on the inside; he
would come and tap on the window, and ask me to raise it, when he would
hand me a waiter on which he had placed a variety of refreshments, and
immediately retire.




CHAPTER XII.

STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND.

That night and the next day I suffered all the horrors of sea-sickness;
and those who have known by experience how completely it prostrates the
energies of mind and body, can imagine how I felt on leaving the boat at
night. The kind-hearted captain set me on shore at a place where he left
coal and lumber, a short distance from the village of Ogdensburg. He
gave me twelve and half cents, and expressed regret that he could do no
more for me. He said he could not direct me to a lodging for the night,
being a stranger in the place, and this the first time he had been on
that route. Should this narrative chance to meet his eye, let him know
that his kind and delicate attentions to a stranger in distress, are and
ever will be remembered with the gratitude they so richly merit. It
was with evident reluctance that he left me to make my way onward as I
could.

And now, reader, imagine, if you can, my situation. A stranger in a
strange land, and comparatively a stranger to the whole world--alone in
the darkness of night, not knowing where to seek a shelter or a place
to lay my head; exhausted with sea-sickness until I felt more dead than
alive, it did seem as though it would be a luxury to lie down and die.
My stockings and shoes were all worn out with so much walking, my feet
sore, swollen, and bleeding, and my limbs so stiff and lame that it was
only by the greatest effort that I could step at all. So extreme were my
sufferings, that I stopped more than once before I reached the village,
cast myself upon the cold ground, and thought I could go no further.
Not even the idea of being run over in the darkness by some passing
traveller, had power to keep me on my feet. Then I would rest awhile,
and resolve to try again; and so I hobbled onward. It seemed an age of
misery before I came to any house; but at length my spirits revived
at the sight of brilliant lights through the windows, and the sound of
cheerful voices that fell upon my ear.

And now I thought my troubles over for that night at least. But no, when
I asked permission to stay over night, it was coldly refused. Again
and again I called at houses where the people seemed to enjoy all the
comforts and even the luxuries of life; but their comforts were for
themselves and not for a toil-worn traveller like me. This I was made to
understand in no gentle manner; and some of those I called upon were not
very particular in the choice of language.

By this time my feet were dreadfully swollen, and O! so sore and stiff,
that every step produced the most intense agony. Is it strange that I
felt as though life was hardly worth preserving? I resolved to call at
one house more, and if again refused, to lie down by the wayside and
die. I accordingly entered the village hotel and asked for the landlady.
The bar-tender gave me a suspicious glance that made me tremble, and
asked my business. I told him my business was with the landlady and no
other person. He left the room a moment, and then conducted me to her
chamber.

As I entered a lady came forward to meet me, and the pleasant expression
of her countenance at once won my confidence. She gave me a cordial
welcome, saying, with a smile, as she led me to a seat, "I guess, my
dear, you are a run-a-way, are you not?" I confessed that it was even
so; that I had fled from priestly cruelty, had travelled as far as I
could, and now, weary, sick, and faint from long fasting, I had ventured
to cast myself upon her mercy. "Will you protect me?" I asked, "and are
you a Roman Catholic?" "No," she replied, "I am not a Roman Catholic,
and I will protect you. You seem to have suffered much, and are quite
exhausted. But you will find a friend in me. I will not betray you, for
I dislike the priests and the convents as much as you do."

She then called her little girl, and ordered a fire kindled in another
chamber, saying she did not wish her servants to see me. The child
soon returned, when the lady herself conducted me to a large, pleasant
bed-room, handsomely furnished with every convenience, and a fire in
the grate. She gave me a seat in a large easy-chair before the fire, and
went out, locking the door after her. In a short time she returned with
warm water for a bath, and with her own hands gave me all the assistance
needed. As I related the incidents of the day, she expressed much
sympathy for my sufferings, and said she was glad I had come to her.
She gave, me a cordial, and then brought me a cup of tea and other
refreshments, of which I made a hearty supper. She would not allow me to
eat all I wished; but when I had taken as much as was good for me,
she bathed my feet with a healing wash, and assisted me to bed. O, the
luxury of that soft and comfortable bed! No one can realize with what a
keen sense of enjoyment I laid my head upon those downy pillows, unless
they have suffered as I did, and known by experience the sweetness of
repose after excessive toil.

All that night this good lady sat beside my bed, and kept my feet wet in
order to reduce the swelling. I was little inclined to sleep, and at her
request related some of the events of my convent life. While doing this,
I hardly knew what to make of this curious woman. Sometimes she would
weep, and then she would swear like any pirate. I was surprised and
somewhat afraid of her, she seemed so strange and used such peculiar
language. She understood my feelings at once, and immediately said, "You
need not be afraid of me, for I have a kind heart, if I do use wicked
words. I cannot help swearing when I think about the priests, monsters
of iniquity that they are; what fearful crimes they do commit under the
cloak of religion! O, if the people of this land could but see their
real character, they would rise en masse and drive them from the
country, whose liberties they will, if possible, destroy. For myself I
have good cause to hate them. Shall I tell you my story, dear?" I begged
her to do so, which she did, as follows:

"I once had a sister, young, talented, beautiful, amiable and
affectionate. She was the pride of all our family, the idol of our
souls. She wished for an education, and we gladly granted her request.
In our zeal to serve her, we resolved to give her the very best
advantages, and so we sent her to a Romish school. It was a seminary for
young ladies taught by nuns, and was the most popular one in that
part of the country. My father, like many other parents who knew such
establishments only by report, had not the least idea of its true
character. But deluded by the supposed sanctity of the place, he was
happy in the thought that he had left his darling where it was said that
'science and religion go hand in hand.' For a season, all went on well.
She wrote to us that she was pleased with the school, and wished to
remain. We thought her hand writing wonderfully improved, and eagerly
looked forward to the time when she would return to us a finished
scholar, as well as an accomplished lady. But those pleasant prospects
were soon overcast. Too soon, our happy, bounding hearts were hushed by
unspeakable grief, and our brilliant anticipations were dissipated in
the chamber of death. In their place came those solemn realities, the
shroud, the coffin, the hearse and the tomb."

"Did she die?" I asked. "Yes," replied the lady, as she wiped away the
fast flowing tears; "Yes, she died. I believe she was poisoned, but we
could do nothing; we had no proof." She had been long at school before we
suspected the deception that was practised upon us. But at length I went
with my other sister to see her, and the Superior informed us that she
was ill, and could not see us. We proposed going to her room, but to our
great surprise were assured that such a thing could not be allowed.
We left with sad hearts, and soon called again. I cannot describe my
feelings when we were coldly informed that she did not wish to see us.
What could it mean? Surely something must be wrong; and we left with
terrible presentiments of coming evil. It came. Yes, too soon were our
worst fears realized. I called one day resolved to see her before I left
the house. Conceive, if you can, my surprise and horror, when they told
me that my beautiful, idolized sister had resolved to become a nun.
That she had already renounced the world, and would hold no further
communication with her relatives. "Why did I not know this before? I
exclaimed." "You know it now," was the cold reply. I did not believe a
word of it, and when I told my father what they said, he went to them,
and resolutely demanded his child. At first they refused to give her up,
but when they saw that his high spirit was aroused--that he would not be
flattered or deceived, they reluctantly yielded to his demand."




CHAPTER XIII.

LANDLADY'S STORY CONTINUED.

The poor girl was overjoyed to meet her friends again, but how great was
our astonishment and indignation when she informed us that she had never
received a single line from home after she entered the school, nor did
she ever know that we had called to see her until we informed her of
the fact. Whenever she expressed surprise that she did not hear from us,
they told her that we had probably forgotten her, and strove to awaken
in her mind feelings of indignation, suspicion and animosity. Not
succeeding in this, however, they informed her that her father had
called, and expressed a wish that she should become a nun; that he did
not think it best for her to return home again, nor did he even ask for
a parting interview.

Confounded and utterly heart-broken, she would have given herself up to
uncontrollable grief had she been allowed to indulge her feelings. But
even the luxury of tears was forbidden, and she was compelled to assume
an appearance of cheerfulness, and to smile when her heart-strings were
breaking. We brought forward the letters we had received from time to
time which we believed she had written. She had never seen them, before,
"and this," said she, "is not my hand-writing." Of this fact she soon
convinced us, but she said she had written letter after letter hoping
for an answer, but no answer came. She said she knew that the Superior
examined all the letters written by the young ladies, but supposed they
were always sent, after being read. But it was now plain to be seen that
those letters were destroyed, and others substituted in their place.

[Footnote: Raffaele Ciocci, formerly a Benedictine Monk, in his
"Narrative," published by the American and Foreign Christian Union,
relates a similar experience of his own, when in the Papal College of
San Bernardo.

Being urged to sign "a deed of humility," in which he was to renounce
all his property and give it to the college, he says, "I knew not what
to think of this "deed of humility." A thousand misgivings filled my
mind, and hoping to receive from the notary an explanation that would
assist me in fully comprehending its intention, I anxiously said, "I
must request, sir, that you will inform me what is expected from me.
Tell me what is this deed--whether it be really a mere form, as has been
represented to me, or if"--Here the master arose, and in an imperious
tone interrupted me, saying,--"Do not be obstinate and rebellions, but
obey. I have already told you that when you assume the habit of the
Order, the chapter 'de humititate' shall be explained to you. In this
paper you have only to make a renunciation of all you possess on earth."

"Of all I possess! And if I renounce all, who, when I leave the college,
will provide for me?" The notary now interposed. "That," said he, "is
the point to which I wish to call your attention, in advising you to
make some reservation. If you neglect to do so, you may find yourself in
difficulties, losing, as you irrevocably will, every right of your own."
At these words, so palpable, so glaring, the bandage fell from my eyes,
and I saw the abyss these monsters were opening under my feet. "This is
a deception, a horrible deception," I exclaimed. "I now understand
the 'deed of humility,' but I protest I will not sign it, I will have
nothing more to do with it." * * * After spending two or three hours in
bitterness and woe, I resolved to have recourse to my family. For this
purpose I wrote a long letter to my mother, in which I exposed all the
miseries of my heart, related what had taken place with regard to the
"deed of humility," and begged of her consolation and advice. I gave
the letter into the hands of a servant, and on the following morning
received a reply, in which I was told, in gentle, terms, to
be tranquil,--not to resist the wishes of my directors,--sign
unhesitatingly any paper that might be required, for, when my studies
were completed, and I quitted the college, the validity of these forms
would cease. This letter set all my doubts at rest, and restored peace
to my mind. It was written by my mother, and she, I felt assured, would
never deceive me. How could I for one moment imagine that this epistle
was an invention of my enemies, who imitated the hand-writing and
affectionate style of my mother? Some persons will say, you might have
suspected it. * * * I reply, that in the uprightness of my heart,
I could not conceive such atrocious wickedness; it appeared utterly
irreconcilable with the sanctity of the place, and with the venerable
hoariness of persons dedicated to God.

After perusing the letter, I hastened to the master, declaring my
readiness to sign the "deed of humility." He smiled approvingly on
finding how well his plan had succeeded. The notary and witnesses were
again summoned, and my condemnation written. The good notary, however,
pitying my situation, inserted an exceptional clause to the total
relinquishment of my rights. * * * No sooner was this business
concluded, than the master commanded me to write to my parents, to
inform them that I had signed the deed of renunciation, and was willing,
for the benefit of my soul, to assume the monkish habit. He was present
when I wrote this letter; I was, therefore, obliged to adopt the
phrases suggested by him,--phrases, breathing zeal and devotion; full of
indifference to the world, and tranquil satisfaction at the choice I
had made. My parents, thought I, will be astonished when they read this
epistle, but they must perceive that the language is not mine, so little
is it in accordance with my former style of writing.

Reader, in the course of thirteen months, only one, of from fifty to
sixty letters which I addressed to my mother, was ever received by her,
and that one was this very letter. The monks, instead of forwarding
mine, had forged letters imitating the hand-writing, and adopting a
style suited to their purpose; and instead of consigning to me the
genuine replies, they artfully substituted answers of their own
fabrication. My family, therefore, were not surprised at the tenor of
this epistle, but rejoiced over it, and reputed me already a Saint. They
probably pictured me to themselves, on some future day, with a mitre on
my head--with the red cap--nay, perhaps, even wearing the triple crown.
Oh, what a delusion! Poor deceived parents! You knew not that your son,
in anguish and despair, was clashing his chains, and devouring his tears
in secret; that a triple bandage was placed before his eyes, and that
he was being dragged, an unwilling victim, to the sacrifice." Returning
home soon after, Ciocci rushed to his mother, and asked if she had
his letters. They, were produced; when he found that only one had been
written by him. The rest were forgeries of the masters.]

"It follows then," said my father, "that these letters are forgeries,
and the excuses they have so often made are base falsehoods. A teacher
of the religion of Jesus Christ guilty of lying and forgery! 'O, my soul
come not thou into their secret; unto their assembly mine honor be thou
not united.'"

"But we have our darling home again," said I, "and now we shall keep her
with us." Never shall I forget the sweet, sad smile that came over her
pale face as I uttered these words. Perchance, even then she realized
that she was soon to leave us, never more to return. However this may
be, she gradually declined. Slowly, but surely she went down to the
grave. Every remedy was tried--every measure resorted to, that seemed
to promise relief, but all in vain. We had the best physicians, but they
frankly confessed that they did not understand her disease. In a very
few months after her return, we laid our lovely and beloved sister
beneath the clods of the valley. Our good old physician wept as he gazed
upon her cold remains. I believe he thought she was poisoned, but as he
could not prove it, he would only have injured himself by saying so. As
for myself, I always thought that she knew too many of their secrets to
be allowed to live after leaving them. "And now, dear," she continued,
"do you think it strange that I hate the Romanists? Do you wonder if I
feel like swearing when I think of priests and convents?"

Truly, I did not wonder that she hated them, though I could not
understand what benefit it could be to swear about it; but I did not
doubt the truth of her story. How often, in the convent from which I
fled, had I heard them exult over the success of some deep laid scheme
to entrap the ignorant, the innocent and the unwary! If a girl was rich
or handsome, as sure as she entered their school, so sure was she to
become a nun, unless she had influential friends to look after her and
resolutely prevent it. To effect this, no means were left untried. The
grossest hypocricy, and the meanest deception were practised to prevent
a girl from holding communication with any one out of the convent No
matter how lonely, or how homesick she might feel, she was not allowed
to see her friends, or even to be informed of their kind attentions. So
far from this, she was made to believe, if possible, that her relatives
had quite forsaken her, while these very relatives were boldly informed
that she did not wish to see them. If they wrote to their friends, as
they sometimes did, their letters were always destroyed, while those
received at home were invariably written by the priest or Superior.
These remarks, however, refer only to those who are rich, or beautiful
in person. Many a girl can say with truth that she has attended
the convent school, and no effort was ever made--no inducement ever
presented to persuade her to become a nun. Consequently, she says that
stories like the above are mere falsehoods, reported to injure the
school. This may be true so far as she is concerned, but you may be sure
she has neither riches nor beauty, or if possessed of these, there was
some other strong reason why she should be an exception to the general
rule. Could she know the private history of some of her school-mates,
she would tell a different story.

I remember that while in the convent, I was one day sent up stairs to
assist a Superior in a chamber remote from the kitchen, and in a part of
the house where I had never been before. Returning alone to the kitchen,
I passed a door that was partly open, and hearing a slight groan within,
I pushed open the door and looked in, before I thought what I was doing.
A young girl lay upon a bed, who looked more like a corpse than a living
person. She saw me, and motioned to have me come to her.

As I drew near the bed, she burst into tears, and whispered, "Can't you
get me a drink of cold water?" I told her I did not know, but I would
try. I hastened to the kitchen, and as no one was present but a nun whom
I did not fear, I procured a pitcher of water, and went back with it
without meeting any one on the way. I was well aware that if seen, I
should be punished, but I did not care. I was doing as I would wish
others to do to me, and truly, I had my reward. Never shall I forget how
grateful that poor sufferer was for a draught of cold water. She could
not tell how many days she had been fasting, for some of the time she
had been insensible; but it must have been several days, and she did not
know how long she was to remain in that condition.

"How came you here?" I asked, in a whisper; "and what have you done to
induce them to punish you so?" "O," said she, with a burst of tears, and
grasping my hand with her pale, cold fingers, "I was in the school, and
I thought it would be so nice to be a nun! Then my father died and left
me all his property, and they persuaded me to stay here, and give it all
to the church. I was so sad then I did not care for money, and I had no
idea what a place it is. I really thought that the nuns were pure and
holy--that their lives were devoted to heaven, their efforts consecrated
to the cause of truth and righteousness. I thought that this was indeed
the 'house of God,' the very 'gate of heaven.' But as soon as they were
sure of me, they let me know--but you understand me; you know what I
mean?" I nodded assent, and once more asked, "What did you do?" "O,
I was in the school," said she, "and I knew that a friend of mine was
coming here just as I did; and I could not bear to see her, in all her
loveliness and unsuspecting innocence, become a victim to these vile
priests. I found an opportunity to let her know what a hell she
was coming to. 'Twas an unpardonable sin, you see. I had robbed the
church--committed sacrilege, they said--and they have almost killed me
for it. I wish they would QUITE, for I am sure death has no terrors for
me now. God will never punish me for what I have done. But go; don't
stay any longer; they'll kill you if they catch you here." I knew that
she had spoken truly--they WOULD kill me, almost, if not quite, if
they found me there; but I must know a little more. "Did you save your
friend?" I asked, "or did you both have to suffer, to pay for your
generous act?" "Did I save her? Yes, thank God, I did. She did not come,
and she promised not to tell of me. I don't think she did; but they
managed to find it out, I don't know how; and now--O God, let me die!"
I was obliged to go, and I left her, with a promise to carry her some
bread if I could. But I could not, and I never saw her again. Yet what
a history her few words unfolded! It was so much like the landlady's
story, I could not forbear relating it to her. She seemed much
interested in all my convent adventures; and in this way we spent the
night.




CHAPTER XIV.

THE TWO SISTERS.

Next morning the lady informed me that I could not remain with her in
safety, but she had a sister, who lived about half a mile distant, with
whom I could stop until my feet were sufficiently healed to enable me to
resume my journey. She then sent for her sister, who very kindly, as
I then thought, acceded to her request, and said I was welcome to stay
with her as long as I wished. Arrangements were therefore made at once
for my removal. My kind hostess brought two large buffalo robes into my
chamber, which she wrapped around my person in such a way as to shield
me from the observation of the servants. She then called one whom she
could trust, and bade him take up the bundle and carry it down to
a large covered wagon that stood at the door. I have often wondered
whether the man knew what was in that bundle or not. I do not think
he did, for he threw me across his shoulder as he would any bale of
merchandise, and laid me on the bottom of the carriage. The two ladies
then entered, laughing heartily at the success of their ruse, and joking
me about my novel mode of conveyance. In this manner we were driven
to the sister's residence, and I was carried into the house by the
servants, in the same way. The landlady stopped for a few moments, and
when she left she gave me cloth for a new dress, a few other articles of
clothing, and three dollars in money. She bade me stay there and make my
dress, and on no account venture out again in my nun dress. She wished
me success in my efforts to escape, commended me to the care of our
heavenly Father, and bade me farewell. She returned in the wagon alone,
and left me to make the acquaintance of my new hostess.

This lady was a very different woman from her sister, and I soon had
reason to regret that I was in her power. It has been suggested to me
that the two ladies acted in concert; that I was removed for the sole
purpose of being betrayed into the hands of my enemies. But I am not
willing to believe this. Dark as human nature appears to me--accustomed
as I am to regard almost every one with suspicion--still I cannot for
one moment cherish a thought so injurious to one who was so kind to me.
Is it possible that she could be such a hypocrite? Treat me with so much
tenderness, and I might say affection, and then give me up to what was
worse than death? No; whatever the reader may think about it, I can
never believe her guilty of such perfidy. I regret exceedingly my
inability to give the name of this lady in connection with the history
of her good deeds, but I did not learn the name of either sister. The
one to whom I was now indebted for a shelter seemed altogether careless
of my interests. I had been with her but a few hours when she asked me
to do some washing for her. Of course I was glad to do it; but when she
requested me to go into the yard and hang the clothes upon the line, I
became somewhat alarmed. I did not like to do it, and told her so; but
she laughed at my fears, overruled all my objections, said no one in
that place would seek to harm or to betray me, and assured me there
was not the least danger. I at last consented to go, though my reason,
judgment, and inclination, had I followed their dictates, would have
kept me in the house. But I did not like to appear ungrateful, or
unwilling to repay the kindness I received, as far as I was able; still
I could not help feeling that it was an ungenerous demand. She might at
least have offered me a bonnet or a shawl, as a partial disguise; but
she did nothing of the kind.

When I saw that I could not avoid the exposure I resolved to make
the best of it and get through as quickly, as possible; but my dress
attracted a good deal of attention, and I saw more than one suspicious
glance directed towards me before my task was finished. When it was
over I thought no more about it, but gave myself up to the bright
anticipations of future happiness, which now began to take possession of
my mind.

That night I retired to a comfortable bed, and was soon lost to all
earthly cares in the glorious land of dreams. What unalloyed happiness I
enjoyed that night! what impossible feats I performed! Truly, the vision
was bright, but a sad awaking followed. Some time in the night I was
aroused by the flashing of a bright light from a dark lantern suddenly
opened. I attempted to rise, but before I could realize where I was,
a strong hand seized me and a gag was thrust into my mouth. The man
attempted to take me in his arms, but with my hands and feet I
defended myself to the best of my ability. Another man now came to his
assistance, and with strong cords confined my hands and feet, so that I
was entirely at their mercy. Perfectly helpless, I could neither resist
nor call for help. They then took me up and carried me down stairs, with
no clothing but my night-dress, not even a shawl to shield me from the
cold night air.

At the gate stood a long covered wagon, in form like a butchers cart,
drawn by two horses, and beside it a long box with several men standing
around it. I had only time to observe this, when they thrust me into the
box, closed the lid, placed it in the wagon, and drove rapidly away.
I could not doubt for a moment into whose hands I had fallen, and when
they put me into the box, I wished I might suffocate, and thus end my
misery at once. But they had taken good care to prevent this by boring
holes in the box, which admitted air enough to keep up respiration.
And this was the result of all my efforts for freedom! After all I had
suffered in making my escape, it was a terrible disappointment to be
thus cruelly betrayed, gagged, bound, and boxed up like an article of
merchandise, carried back to certain torture, and perchance to death.
O, blame me not, gentle reader, if in my haste, and the bitter
disappointment and anguish of my spirit, I questioned the justice of the
power that rules the world. Nor let your virtuous indignation wax hot
against me if I confess to you, that I even doubted the existence of
that power. How often had I cried to God for help! Why were my prayers
and tears disregarded? What had I done to deserve such a fife of misery?
These, and similar thoughts occupied my mind during that lonely midnight
ride.

We arrived at St. Regis before the first Mass in the morning. The box
was then taken into the chapel, where they took me out and carried me
into the church. I was seated at the foot of the altar, with my hands
and feet fast bound, the gag still in my mouth, and no clothing on, but
my night-dress. Two men stood beside me, and I remained here until the
priest had said mass and the people retired from the church. He then
came down from the altar, and said to the men beside me, "Well, you have
got her." "Yes Sir," they replied, "what shall we do with her?" "Put her
on the five o'clock boat," said he, "and let the other men go with her
to Montreal. I want you to stay here, and be ready to go the other way
tonight" This priest was an Indian, but he spoke the English language
correctly and fluently. He seemed to feel some pity for my forlorn
condition, and as they were about to carry me away he brought a large
shawl, and wrapped it around me, for which I was truly grateful.

At the appointed time, I was taken on board the boat, watched very
closely by the two men who had me in charge. There was need enough of
this, for I would very gladly have thrown myself into the water, had I
not been prevented. Once and again I attempted it, but the men held me
back. For this, I am now thankful, but at that time my life appeared of
so little importance, and the punishments I knew were in reserve for me
seemed so fearful, I voluntarily chose "strangling and death rather than
life." The captain and sailors were all Romanists, and seemed to vie
with each other in making me as unhappy as possible They made sport of
my "new fashioned clothing," and asked if I "did not wish to run away
again?" When they found I did not notice them they used the most abusive
and scurrilous language, mingled with vulgar and profane expressions,
which may not be repeated. The men who had charge of me, and who should
have protected me from such abuse, so far from doing it, joined in the
laugh, and appeared to think it a pleasant amusement to ridicule and vex
a poor helpless fugitive. May God forgive them for their cruelty, and
in the hour of their greatest need, may they meet with the kindness they
refused to me.

At Lachine we changed boats and took another to Montreal. When we
arrived there, three priests were waiting for us. Their names I
perfectly remember, but I am not sure that I can spell them correctly.
Having never learned while in the nunnery, to read, or spell anything
except a simple prayer, it is not strange if I do make mistakes, when
attempting to give names from memory. I can only give them as they were
pronounced. They were called Father Kelly, Dow, and Conroy. All the
priests were called father, of whatever age they might be.

As we proceeded from the boat to the Nunnery, one of the priests went
before us while the others walked beside me, leading me between them.
People gazed at us as we passed, but they did not dare to insult, or
laugh at me, while in such respectable company. Yet, methinks it
must have been a ludicrous sight to witness so much parade for a poor
run-a-way nun.




CHAPTER XV.

CHOICE OF PUNISHMENTS.

On our arrival at the Nunnery, I was left alone for half an hour. Then
the Bishop came in with the Lady Superior, and the Abbess who had charge
of the kitchen when I left. The Bishop read to me three punishments of
which he said, I could take my choice. First.--To fast five days in the
fasting room. Second.--To suffer punishment in the lime room. Third.--To
fast four days, in the cell. As I knew nothing of these places except
the cell, a priest was directed to take me to them, that I might see for
myself, and then take my choice. At first, I thought I did not care, and
I said I had no choice about it; but when I came to see the rooms, I was
thankful that I was not allowed to abide by that decision. Certainly, I
had no idea what was before me.

I was blindfolded, and taken to the lime room first. I think it must
have been situated at a great distance from the room we left, for he led
me down several flights of stairs, and through long, low passages, where
it was impossible to stand erect. At length we entered a room where the
atmosphere seemed laden with hot vapor. My blinder was removed, and I
found myself in a pleasant room some fifteen feet square. There was no
furniture of any kind, but a wide bench, fastened to the wall, extended
round three sides of the room. The floor looked like one solid block of
dark colored marble; not a crack or seam to be seen in it, but it was
clouded, highly polished, and very beautiful. Around the sides of the
room, a great number of hooks and chains were fastened to the wall, and
a large hook hung in the center overhead. Near the door stood two men,
with long iron bars, some two inches square, on their shoulders.

The priest directed me to stand upon the bench, and turning to the men,
he bade them raise the door. They put down their bars, and I suppose
touched a concealed spring, for the whole floor at once flew up, and
fastened to the large hook over head. Surprised and terrified, I stood
wondering what was to come next. At my feet yawned a deep pit, from
which, arose a suffocating vapor, so hot, it almost scorched my face and
nearly stopped my breath. The priest pointed to the heaving, tumbling
billows of smoke that were rolling below, and; asked, "How would you
like to be thrown into the lime?" "Not at all," I gasped, in a voice
scarcely audible, "it would burn me to death." I suppose he thought I
was sufficiently frightened, for he bade his men close the door. This
they did by slowly letting down the floor, and I could see that it was
in some way supported by the chains attached to the walls but in what
manner I do not know.

I was nearly suffocated by the lime smoke that filled the room, and
though I knew not what was in reserve for me, I was glad when my blinder
was put on, and I was led away. I think we returned the same way we
came, and entered another room where the scent was so very offensive,
that I begged to be taken out immediately. Even before my eyes were
uncovered, and I knew nothing of the loathsome objects by which we were
surrounded, I felt that I could not endure to breathe an atmosphere so
deadly. But the sight that met my eyes when my blinder was removed, I
cannot describe, nor the sensations with which I gazed upon it. I can
only give the reader some faint idea of the place, which, they said, was
called the fasting room, and here incorrigible offenders fasted until
they starved to death. Nor was this all. Their dead bodies were not even
allowed a decent burial, but were suffered to remain in the place where
they died, until the work of death was complete and dust returned to
dust. Thus the atmosphere became a deadly poison to the next poor victim
who was left to breathe the noxious effluvia of corruption and decay. I
am well aware that my reader will hardly credit my statements, but I do
solemnly affirm that I relate nothing but the truth. In this room were
placed several large iron kettles, so deep that a person could sit in
them, and many of them contained the remains of human beings. In one the
corpse looked as though it had been dead but a short time. Others still
sat erect in the kettle, but the flesh was dropping from the bones.
Every stage of decay was here represented, from the commencement, till
nothing but a pile of bones was left of the poor sufferer.

Conceive, if you can, with what feelings I gazed upon these disgusting
relics of the dead. Even now, my blood chills in my veins, as memory
recalls the fearful sight, or as, in sleep, I live over again the
dread realities of that hour. Was I to meet a fate like this? I might,
perchance, escape it for that time, but what assurance had I that I was
not ultimately destined to such an end? These thoughts filled my mind,
as I followed the priest from the room; and for a long time I continued
to speculate upon what I had seen. They called it the fasting room; but
if fasting were the only object, why were they placed in those kettles,
instead of being allowed to sit on chairs or benches, or even on the
floor? And why placed in IRON kettles? Why were they not made of
wood? It would have answered the purpose quite as well, if fasting
or starvation were the only objects in view. Then came the fearful
suggestion, were these kettles ever heated? And was that floor made
of stone or iron? The thought was too shocking to be cherished for a
moment; but I could not drive it from my mind.

I was again blindfolded, and taken to a place they called a cell. But it
was quite different from the one I was in before. We descended several
steps as we entered it, and instead of the darkness I anticipated, I
found myself in a large room with sufficient light to enable me to see
every object distinctly. One end of a long chain was fastened around my
waist, and the other firmly secured to an iron ring in the floor; but
the chain, though large and heavy, was long enough to allow me to go all
over the room. I could not see how it was lighted, but it must have been
in some artificial manner, for it was quite as light at night, as in the
day. Here were instruments of various kinds, the use of which, I did
not understand; some of them lying on the floor, others attached to the
sides of the room. One of them was made in the form of a large fish,
but of what material I do not know. It was of a bright flesh color, and
fastened to a board on the floor. If I pressed my foot upon the board,
it would put in motion some machinery within, which caused it to spring
forward with a harsh, jarring sound like the rumbling of the cars. At
the same time its eyes would roll round, and its mouth open, displaying
a set of teeth so large and long that I was glad to keep at a safe
distance. I wished to know whether it would really bite me or not, but
it looked so frightful I did not dare to hazard the experiment.

Another so nearly resembled a large serpent, I almost thought it was
one; but I found it moved only when touched in a certain manner. Then
it would roll over, open its mouth, and run out its tongue. There was
another that I cannot describe, for I never saw anything that looked
like it. It was some kind of a machine, and the turning of a crank made
it draw together in such a way, that if a person were once within its
embrace, the pressure would soon arrest the vital current, and stop
the breath of life. Around the walls of the room were chains, rings and
hooks, almost innumerable; but I did not know their use, and feared
to touch them. I believed them all to be instruments of torture, and I
thought they gave me a long chain in the hope and expectation that
my curiosity would lead me into some of the numerous traps the room
contained.

Every morning the figure I had seen beside the dying nun, which they
called the devil, came to my cell, and unlocking the door himself,
entered, and walked around me, laughing heartily, and seeming much
pleased to find me there. He would blow white froth from his mouth, but
he never spoke to me, and when he went out, he locked the door after him
and took away the key. He was, in fact, very thoughtful and prudent, but
it will be long before I believe that he came as they pretended, from
the spirit world. So far from being frightened, the incident was rather
a source of amusement. Such questions as the following would force
themselves upon my mind. If that image is really the devil, where did he
get that key? And what will he do with it? Does the devil hold the keys
of this nunnery, so that he can come and go as he pleases? Or, are the
priests on such friendly terms with his satanic majesty that they lend
him their keys? Or, do they hold them as partners? Gentlemen of the Grey
Nunnery, please tell us how it is about those keys.



CHAPTER XVI.

HORRORS OF STARVATION.

One day a woman came into my cell, dressed in white, a white cap on
her head, and so very pale she looked more like a corpse than a living
person. She came up to me with her mouth wide open, and stood gazing
at me for a moment in perfect silence. She then asked, "Where have you
been?" "Into the world," I replied. "How did you like the world?" "Very
well," said I. She paused a moment, and then asked, "Did you find your
friends?" "No, ma'am," said I, "I did not." Another pause, and then she
said, "Perhaps you will if you go again." "No," I replied, "I shall not
try again." "You had better try it once more," she added, and I thought
there was a slight sneer in her tone; "Perhaps you may succeed better
another time." "No," I replied, "I shall not try to run away from the
nunnery again. I should most assuredly be caught and brought back, and
then they would make me suffer so much, I assure you I shall never do it
again." She looked at me a moment as though she would read my very soul,
and said, "And so you did not find your friends, after all, did you?" I
again told her that I did not, and she seemed satisfied with the result
of her questioning. When she came in, I was pleased to see her, and
thought I would ask her for something to eat, or at least for a little
cold water. But she seemed so cold-hearted, so entirely destitute of
sympathy or kind feeling, I had no courage to speak to her, for I felt
that it would do no good. Perhaps I misjudged her. I knew from her looks
that she must have been a great sufferer; but I have heard it said that
extreme suffering sometimes hardens instead of softening the heart,
and I believe it. It seemed to me that this woman had suffered so much
herself, that every kind feeling was crushed out of her soul. I was glad
when she left me, locking the door after her.

Four days they kept me in this cell, and for five days and nights I had
not tasted food or drink. I endured the most intolerable agonies from
hunger and thirst. The suffering produced by hunger, when it becomes
actual starvation, is far beyond anything that I can imagine. There
is no other sensation that can be compared to it, and no language can
describe it. One must feel it in order to realize what it is. The
first two days I amused myself by walking round my room and trying to
conjecture the use to which the various instruments were applied. Then
I became so weak I could only think of eating and drinking. I sometimes
fell asleep, but only to dream of loaded tables and luxurious feasts.
Yet I could never taste the luxuries thus presented. Whenever I
attempted to do so, they would be snatched away, or I would wake to
find it all a dream. Driven to a perfect frenzy by the intensity of my
sufferings, I would gladly have eaten my own flesh. Well was it for me
that no sharp instrument was at hand, for as a last resort I more than
once attempted to tear open my veins with my teeth.

This severe paroxysm passed away, and I sank into a state of partial
unconsciousness, in which I remained until I was taken out of the cell.
I do not believe I should have lived many hours longer, nor should I
ever have been conscious of much more suffering. With me the "bitterness
of death had passed," and I felt disappointed and almost angry to be
recalled to a life of misery. I begged them to allow me to die. It was
the only boon I craved. But this would have been too merciful; moreover,
they did not care to lose my services in the kitchen. I was a good
drudge for them, and they wished to restore me on the same principle
that a farmer would preserve the life of a valuable horse.

I do not remember leaving the cell. The first thing I realized they were
placing me in a chair in the kitchen, and allowed me to lean my head
upon the table. They gave me some gruel, and I soon revived so that I
could sit up in my chair and speak in a whisper. But it was some hours
before I could stand on my feet or speak loud. An Abbess was in the
kitchen preparing bread and wine for the priests (they partake of
these refreshments every day at ten in the morning and three in the
afternoon). She brought a pailful of wine and placed it on the table
near me, and left a glass standing beside it. When she turned away, I
took the glass, dipped up a little of the wine, and drank it. She saw
me do it, but said not a word, and I think she left it there for that
purpose. The wine was very strong, and my stomach so weak, I soon began
to feel sick, and asked permission to go to bed. They took me up in
their arms and carried me to my old room and laid me on the bed. Here
they left me, but the Abbess soon returned with some gruel made very
palatable with milk and sugar. I was weak, and my hand trembled so that
I could not feed myself; but the Abbess kindly sat beside me and fed me
until I was satisfied. I had nothing more to eat until the next day at
eleven o'clock, when the Abbess again brought me some bread and gruel,
and a cup of strong tea. She requested me to drink the tea as quick as
possible, and then she concealed the mug in which she brought it.

I was now able to feed myself, and you may be sure I had an excellent
appetite, and was not half so particular about my food as some persons
I have since known. I lay in bed till near night, when I rose, dressed
myself without assistance, and went down to the kitchen. I was so weak
and trembled so that I could hardly manage to get down stairs; but
I succeeded at last, for a strong will is a wonderful incentive to
efficient action.

In the kitchen I met the Lady Superior. She saw how weak I was, and as
she assisted me to a chair, she said, "I should not have supposed that
you could get down here alone. Have you had anything to eat to-day?" I
was about to say yes, but one of the nuns shook her head at me, and I
replied "No." She then brought some bread and wine, requesting me to eat
it quick, for fear some of the priests might come in and detect us. Thus
I saw that she feared the priests as well as the rest of us. Truly,
it was a terrible crime she had committed! No wonder she was afraid
of being caught! Giving a poor starved nun a piece of bread, and then
obliged to conceal it as she would have done a larceny or a murder!
Think of it, reader, and conceive, if you can, the state of that
community where humanity is a crime--where mercy is considered a
weakness of which one should be ashamed! If a pirate or a highwayman had
been guilty of treating a captive as cruelly as I was treated by those
priests, he would have been looked upon as an inhuman monster, and at
once given up to the strong grasp of the law. But when it is done by a
priest, under the cloak of Religion, and within the sacred precincts of
a nunnery, people cry out, when the tale is told, "Impossible!" "What
motive could they have had?" "It cannot be true," etc. But whether
the statement is believed or otherwise, it is a fact that in the Grey
Nunnery at Montreal the least exhibition of a humane spirit was
punished as a crime. The nun who was found guilty of showing mercy to a
fellow-sufferer was sure to find none herself.

From this time I gained very fast, for the Abbess saw how hungry I was,
and she would either put food in my way, or give me privately what I
wished to eat. In two weeks I was able to go to work in the kitchen
again. But those I had formerly seen there were gone. I never knew what
became of the sick nun, nor could I learn anything about the one who ran
away with me. I thought that the men who brought me to St. Regis, were
kept there to go after her, but I do not know whether they found her
or not. For myself, I promised so solemnly, and with such apparent
sincerity, that I would never leave the nunnery again, I was believed
and trusted. Had I been kindly treated, had my life been even tolerable,
my conscience would have reproached me for deceiving them, but as it
was, I felt that I was more "sinned against, than sinning." I could not
think it wrong to get away, if the opportunity presented, and for this I
was constantly on the watch. Every night I lay awake long after all
the rest were buried in slumber, trying to devise some plan, by which
I could once more regain my liberty. And who can blame me? Having
just tasted the sweets of freedom, how could I be content to remain in
servitude all my life? Many a time have I left my bed at night, resolved
to try to escape once more, but the fear of detection would deter me
from the attempt.

In the discharge of my daily duties, I strove to the utmost of my
ability to please my employers. I so far succeeded, that for five weeks
after my return I escaped punishment. Then, I made a slight mistake
about my work, though I verily thought I was doing it according to the
direction. For this, I was told that I must go without two meals, and
spend three days in the torture room. I supposed it was the same room I
was in before, but I was mistaken. I was taken into the kitchen cellar,
and down a flight of stairs to another room directly under it. From
thence, a door opened into another subterranean apartment which they
called the torture room. These doors were so constructed, that a casual
observer would not be likely to notice them. I had been in that cellar
many times, but never saw that door until I was taken through it. A
person might live in the nunnery a life-time, and never see or hear
anything of such a place. I presume those visitors who call at the
school-rooms, go over a part of the house, and leave with the impression
that the convent is a nice place, will never believe my statements about
this room. Nor can we wonder at their skepticism. It is exceedingly
difficult for pure minds to conceive how any human being can be so
fearfully depraved. Knowing the purity of their own intentions, and
judging others by themselves, it is not strange that they regard such
tales of guilt and terror as mere fabrications, put forth to gratify the
curiosity of the wonder-loving crowd.




CHAPTER XVII.

THE TORTURE ROOM.

I remember hearing a gentleman at the depot remark that the very
enormity of the crimes committed by the Romanists, is their best
protection. "For," said he, "some of their practices are so shockingly
infamous they may not even be alluded to in the presence of the refined
and the virtuous. And if the story of their guilt were told, who would
believe the tale? Far easier would it be to call the whole a slanderous
fabrication, than to believe that man can be so vile."

This consideration led me to doubt the propriety of attempting a
description of what I saw in that room. But I have engaged to give a
faithful narrative of what transpired in the nunnery; and shall I leave
out a part because it is so strange and monstrous, that people will not
believe it? No. I will tell, without the least exaggeration what I saw,
heard, and experienced. People may not credit the story now, but a day
will surely come when they will know that I speak the truth.

As I entered the room I was exceedingly shocked at the horrid spectacle
that met my eye. I knew that fearful scenes were enacted in the
subterranean cells, but I never imagined anything half so terrible as
this. In various parts of the room I saw machines, and instruments of
torture, and on some of them persons were confined who seemed to be
suffering the most excruciating agony. I paused, utterly overcome with
terror, and for a moment imagined that I was a witness to the torments,
which, the priests say, are endured by the lost, in the world of woe.
Was I to undergo such tortures, and which of those infernal engines
would be applied to me? I was not long in doubt. The priest took hold of
me and put me into a machine that held me fast, while my feet rested
on a piece of iron which was gradually heated until both feet were
blistered. I think I must have been there fifteen minutes, but perhaps
the time seemed longer than it was. He then took me out, put some
ointment on my feet and left me.

I was now at liberty to examine more minutely the strange objects around
me. There were some persons in the place whose punishment, like my own,
was light compared with others. But near me lay one old lady extended
on a rack. Her joints were all dislocated, and she was emaciated to the
last degree. I do not suppose I can describe this rack, for I never saw
anything like it. It looked like a gridiron but was long enough for the
tallest man to lie upon. There were large rollers at each end, to which
belts were attached, with a large lever to drive them back and forth.
Upon this rack the poor woman was fastened in such a way, that when the
levers were turned and the rollers made to revolve, every bone in her
body was displaced. Then the violent strain would be relaxed, a little,
and she was so very poor, her skin would sink into the joints and remain
there till it mortified and corrupted.

It was enough to melt the hardest heart to witness her agony; but
she bore it with a degree of fortitude and patience, I could not have
supposed possible, had I not been compelled to behold it. When I entered
the room she looked up and said, "Have you come to release me, or only
to suffer with me?" I did not dare to reply, for the priest was there,
but when he left us she exclaimed, "My child, let nothing induce you
to believe this cursed religion. It will be the death of you, and that
death, will be the death of a dog." I suppose she meant that they would
kill me as they would a dog. She then asked, "Who put you here?" "My
Father," said I. "He must have been a brute," said she, "or he never
could have done it." At one time I happened to mention the name of
God, when she fiercely exclaimed with gestures of contempt, "A God! You
believe there is one, do you? Don't you suffer yourself to believe any
such thing. Think you that a wise, merciful, and all powerful being
would allow such a hell as this to exist? Would he suffer me to be torn
from friends and home, from my poor children and all that my soul holds
dear, to be confined in this den of iniquity, and tortured to death in
this cruel manner? No, O, no. He would at once destroy these monsters
in human form; he would not suffer them, for one moment, to breathe the
pure air of heaven."

At another time she exclaimed, "O, my children! my poor motherless
children! What will become of them? God of mercy, protect my children!"
Thus, at one moment, she would say there was no God, and the next,
pray to him for help. This did not surprise me, for she was in such
intolerable misery she did not realize what she did say. Every few hours
the priest came in, and gave the rollers a turn, when her joints would
crack and--but I cannot describe it. The sight made me sick and faint at
the time, as the recollection of it, does now. It seemed as though that
man must have had a heart of adamant, or he could not have done it.
She would shriek, and groan, and weep, but it did not affect him in the
least. He was as calm, and deliberate as though he had a block of wood
in his hands, instead of a human being. When I saw him coming, I once
shook my head at her, to have her stop speaking; but when he was gone,
she said, "Don't shake your head at me; I do not fear him. He can but
kill me, and the quicker he does it the better. I would be glad if he
would put an end to my misery at once, but that would be too merciful.
He is determined to kill me by inches, and it makes no difference what I
say to him."

She had no food, or drink, during the three days I was there, and the
priest never spoke to her. He brought me my bread and water regularly,
and I would gladly have given it to that poor woman if she would have
taken it. But she would not accept the offer. It would only prolong
her sufferings, and she wished to die. I do not suppose she could have
lived, had she been taken out when I first saw her.

In another part of the room, a monk was under punishment. He was
standing in some kind of a machine, with heavy weights attached to his
feet, and a belt passed across his breast under his arms. He appeared to
be in great distress, and no refreshment was furnished him while I was
there.

On one side of the room, I observed a closet with a "slide door," as the
nuns called them. There were several doors of this description in the
building, so constructed as to slide back into the ceiling out of
sight. Through this opening I could see an image resembling a monk; and
whenever any one was put in there, they would shriek, and groan, and beg
to be taken out, but I could not ascertain the cause of their suffering.

One day a nun was brought in to be punished. The priest led her up to
the side of the room, and bade her put her fingers into some holes in
the wall just large enough to admit them. She obeyed but immediately
drew them back with a loud shriek. I looked to see what was the matter
with her, and lo! every nail was torn from her fingers, which were
bleeding profusely. How it was done, I do not know. Certainly, there was
no visible cause for such a surprising effect. In all probability the
fingers came in contact with the spring of some machine on the other
side, or within the wall to which some sharp instrument was attached. I
would give much to know just how it was constructed, and what the
girl had done to subject herself to such a terrible and unheard-of
punishment. But this, like many other things in that establishment, was
wrapped in impenetrable mystery. God only knows when the veil will be
removed, or whether it ever will be until the day when all secret things
will be brought to light.

When the three days expired, I was taken out of this room, but did not
go to work again till my feet were healed. I was then obliged to assist
in milking the cows, and taking care of the milk. They had a large
number of cows, I believe thirty-five, and dairy rooms, with every thing
convenient for making butter and cheese. When first directed to go
out and milk, I was pleased with the idea, for I hoped to find and
opportunity to escape; but I was again disappointed. In the cow yard, as
elsewhere, every precaution was taken to prevent it.

Passing out of the main yard of the convent through a small door, I
found myself in a small, neat yard, surrounded by a high fence, so that
nothing could be seen but the sky overhead. The cows were driven in,
and the door immediately locked, so that escape from that place seemed
impossible.

At harvest time, in company with twenty other nuns, I was taken out
into the country to the residence of the monks. The ride out there was
a great treat, and very much enjoyed by us all. I believe it was about
five miles, through a part of the city of Montreal; the north part
I think, but I am not sure. We stopped before a large white stone
building, situated in the midst of a large yard like the one at the
nunnery. A beautiful walk paved with stone, led from the gate to the
front door, and from thence, around the house. Within the yard, there
was also a delightful garden, with neat, well kept walks laid out in
various directions. Before the front door there stood a large cross.
I think I never saw a more charming place; it appeared to me a perfect
paradise. I heard one of the priests say that the farm consisted of four
hundred acres, and belonged to the nunnery. The house was kept by two
widow ladies who were married before they embraced the Romish faith.
They were the only women on the place previous to our arrival, and I
think they must have found it very laborious work to wait upon so many
monks. I do not know their number, but there was a great many of them,
besides a large family of boys, who, I suppose, were being educated for
priests or monks.

Immediately on our arrival a part of our number were set to work in the
fields, while the rest were kept in the house to assist the women. I
hoped that I might be one of these last, but disappointment was again
my lot. I was sent to the field with the others, and set to reaping; a
priest being stationed near, to guard us and oversee our work. We were
watched very closely, one priest having charge of two nuns, for whose
safe keeping he was responsible. Here we labored until the harvest was
all gathered in. I dug potatoes, cut up corn and husked it, gathered
apples, and did all kinds of work that is usually done by men in the
fall of the year. Yet I was never allowed to wear a bonnet on my head,
or anything to shield me from the piercing rays of the sun. Some
days the heat was almost intolerable, and my cap was not the least
protection, but they allowed me no other covering.

In consequence of this exposure, my head soon became the seat of severe
neuralgic pain, which caused me at times to linger over my work. But
this was not permit

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