The English Rogue: Described in the Life of Meriton Latroon, a Witty Extravagant
by Richard Head · English · Gutenberg #50416 · 766,958 chars · public domain (US)
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Title: The English Rogue: Described in the Life of Meriton Latroon, a Witty Extravagant
Author: Richard Head
Francis Kirkman
Release date: November 9, 2015 [eBook #50416]
Most recently updated: October 22, 2024
Language: English
Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/50416
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Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was
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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ENGLISH ROGUE: DESCRIBED IN THE LIFE OF MERITON LATROON, A WITTY EXTRAVAGANT ***
[Illustration]
_The Globe’s thy Studye; for thy boundless mind
In a less limit cannot be confind.
Gazing, I here admire: thy very lookes
Shew thou art read as well in men, as bookes.
He that Shall Scan thy face, may judge by it,
Thou hast an Headpeece that is thronged with n’t._
I·F
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE
English Rogue:
DESCRIBED,
IN THE
LIFE
OF
MERITON LATROON,
_A Witty Extravagant_.
Being a Compleat History of the
MOST
Eminent Cheats
OF
BOTH SEXES.
__Read_, but don’t _Practice_: for the Author findes,
They which live _Honest_ have most quiet mindes._
Dixero si quid forte jocosius hoc mihi juris
Cum & eniâ dalis.
London, Printed for Henry Marsh, at the Princes
Arms in Chancery-Lane. 1665.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE
PREFACE.
_Beloved Country-men_,
Had I not more respect to my Countries good in general, than any private
interest of mine own, I should not have introduc’d my _Friend_ upon the
common Theatre of the World, to act the part of a _Rogue_ in the Publick
view of all. _Rogue!_ did I call him? I should recal that word, since
his Actions were attended more with Witty Conceits, then Life-destroying
Stratagems. It is confest, the whole bent of his mind tended to little
else then _Exorbitancy_; and _Necessity_ frequently compelled him to
perpetrate _Villany_: And no wonder, since he lived in the infectious
Air of the worst of most _Licentious Times_. But still I blame my self
for stigmatizing him with such an _Opprobrious Title_, since in the
declination of his days, the consideration of his former _Wicked
Courses_ hath wrought (I have so much charity for him to believe it) in
him cordial contrition, and unfeigned repentance: and the truth of it
is, Man should be regarded not for what he _was_, but what he _is_.
Since his _Reformation_, I have taken very great delight in his
Conversation, and never went from him but with great satisfaction in the
_Ingenious Relation_ of the transactions of his youthful days: And
frequently revolving them in my mind, Reason suggested to me, the
_History of his Life_ could not but be as profitable as pleasant, if
made _publick_. For herein you may see Vice pourtrayed in her own proper
shape, the ugliness whereof (her _Vizard-Mask_ being remov’d) cannot but
cause in her (_quondam_) Adorers, a _loathing_ instead of _loving_.
Wherefore, with my _Friends_ free consent, and being instigated
thereunto by many _persons_ inferiour to few, either for _Birth_,
_Education_, or _Natural Parts_, I attempted this _Essay_.
If any be so curious to know what the (_Actors_ you have in the Title)
_Authors name is_, let me crave his pardon for his concealment, and
answer him with _Plutarch_ to an inquisitive Fellow, _Quum vides
velatum, quid inquiris in rem absconditam?_ It was therefore covered,
because he should not know what was in it. It is enough that the _Actor_
hath shown himself willing to declare _freely_, and without _mincing_
the _truth_ of what he hath done, without _knowing_ who writ it; if the
_Contents_ shall as well _please_ as admonish, no matter what I’m
call’d. But if you are so desirous to know what the _Writer_ is, I shall
briefly inform your _curiosity_: But I doubt I have _undertaken_ what I
_cannot perform_; for if to know a mans self be more then an _Herculean
Labour_, then without doubt it is beyond the limits of my power to tell
you what I am; neither can _any man_ truly _know another_, unless he
first _knows_ himself.
For some few years, the World and I have had a great _falling out_; and
though I have used all _probable_ and _possible_ means, we remain yet
_unreconcil’d_.
My only comfort is, I have a small treasure in _Minerva’s Tower_, by
which I subsist; and by the benefit thereof, can walk abroad, not
without taking _Observation_ both from what I _hear_ and _see_; and
returning home, _Tam Aulæ vanitatem, quam Fori ambitionem ridere mecum
soleo_. I can with _Democritus_ laugh at the _Actions_ of men,
extracting _Wisdome_ from their _Follies_, and afterwards _lash_ them
with a _Rod_ of _Experience_ made of their own _fond inconsiderateness_.
As for my part, I am onely a _Wise-acre_, (a Retort once put upon _Ben
Johnson_), for I have no _Acres of Land_. But therefore don’t be so
unadvised, (as too many are of late) to regard not so much the _worth_
of the Work, as the _dignity_ of the Person. _Qui similiter in legendos
libros atq; in salutandos homines irruunt, non cogitantes quales, sed
quibus vestibus induti sint._ They mind not so much _what_, as _who
writ_ it; not the Quality of the _Thing_, but the Quality of the
_Author_, and a _Person of Honour_ (now adays) being set in the place of
the _Writer_, makes the Book received with a general applause. Pardon as
well my Satyrical as Cynical Humour. If any dislike what I have writ,
let them let it _alone_, or publish themselves something of a better
_Composition_. I shall not value any ones Censure, for I have already
_Antidoted_ my self against it, by my own _dis-esteem_ I have hereof. I
am so far from being _Opinionative_, that you cannot speak worse then
what I judge of it.
_Nasutus sis usq; licet, sis deniq; Nasus,
Non potes in nugas dicere plura meas._
_Bark, foul-mouth’d carping _Momus_, if thou durst:
What I have writ is Bad; Now do thy worst._
Thus you see, as I will not _arrogate_, so I shall not _derogate_: for
as I am so many _Parasanges_ after such a one, yet I may be an _Ace_
above thee, if thou art too _Censorious_.
But some may say, That this is but _actum agere_, a Collection out of
_Guzman_, _Buscon_, or some others that have writ upon this subject;
_Crambem bis coctam apponere_; and that I have onely _squeez’d_ their
_Juice_, (adding some Ingredients of mine own) and afterwards
_distill’d_ it in the _Lymbeck_ of my own _Head_. _Non habes confitentem
reum_, I ne’er _extracted_ from them _one single drop of Spirit_. As if
we could not produce an _English Rogue_ of our _own_, without being
beholding to other _Nations_ for him. I will not say that he durst vye
with either an _Italian_, _Spanish_, or _French Rogue_; but having been
_steept_ for some years in an _Irish Bogg_, that hath added so much to
his _Rogue-ships_ perfection, that he out-did them all by out-doing one,
and that was a _Scot_; I need not use the Epithite _Roguish_, since the
very name proves it a _Tautologie_. If I have borrowed any thing, it was
not from what past the _Press_; but what I have taken upon the _score_
in Discourse, _&c._ I here repay with Usury, but not in the same
_Commodity_. _Etiamsi apparet unde sumptum sit, aliud tamen quam unde
sumptum fit, apparet._ I have not done as the _Romans_, who robb’d the
whole Universe to enrich their ill-sited City; _Rome_ I mean. I skimm’d
not off the Cream of other mens Wits, nor Cropt the flowers in others
gardens to garnish my own _Plots_; neither have I Larded my Lean Fancy
with the Fat of others _Ingenious Labours_; but from the dictation of my
own _Genius_, I have exprest _quicquid in buccam venerit_, what came
next, without much premeditation or study. Gramercy _Sack_, if happily I
have hit the mark.
I am no _Aquæ potor_, an implacable _Enemy to Small Beer_; all the
_Purchases_ I can boast of, lies in _Wine_, which is by _Moderns_ highly
esteemed for improving good Wits, _infusing_ Elogies and _Hyperbolical
Exornations_, forming such hard Words in the _Brain_, as shall, like
_Acesta’s arrows_, catch fire as they flie. But I have _wandered_ from
that _common rode_, respecting more the _matter_ then _words_. For my
Stile is _plain_ and _familiar_, rejecting bombast _Expressions_,
thinking them most _happy_ when most easily to be understood.
As for the _Matter_ it self, if it be faulty, or the _Method_ rude and
indigested, consider, _Quod nihil perfectum vel singulari consummatum
industria_, No man can observe all things; neither is it to be imagined
that all _Rogueries_ can be perform’d by one man. Not but that when you
have read him, you will find him _Notorious_ enough.
Some men are not content to _commit Villany_ themselves, and boast of it
too, but they will rob others of that which they should be _asham’d_ to
own. In this there is little or no _Fiction_, I’ll assure you; and there
is no _Story_ therein which doth not carry with it more then the bare
_probability_ of _truth_. Should I speak much more, it is to be fear’d
some will argue from hence, that I am conscious to my self of its
various defects; and therefore I shall desist from Apologizing for it,
or my self.
Sensible I am, that if ought be omitted or added, which the Reader likes
or dislikes, he will account me _Mancipium pancæ lectionis_, an Idiot,
an insipid Asse; _nullus sum, vel Plagiarius_, a very Thief, and that I
stole other mens Labours. Thus do I know I shall be vilified and
undervalued even by such, that are so far from being capable of judging
of _Ingenuity_, that they know not how to write Orthographically six
words of sence in their own Mother-tongue. Yet I must confess, what is
writ, is neither as I would, nor as it should, it being usher’d into the
world as it was first written; whereas I should have done with this, as
a _Physitian_ advised should be done with _Lapis Lazuli_, to be washt
fifty times before used: had not immergent Affairs hindred me, I would
have licked this _Cub_ into a more _comely Form_. But since ’tis
otherwise, I shall onely complain with _Ovid_:—
_Cum relego scripsisse pudet, quia plurimo cerno,
Me quoq; quæ fuerant Judice digna lini._
All the favour that I shall desire, is, That the _Reader_ would not
account the _Printers_ literal or verbal Escapes _mine_; and withal pass
a candid interpretation on each Line; and I shall endeavour in a short
time to become more satisfactory, and study how I may be always
serviceable to my Country.
_When I read o’er what I have writ, then shame
O’erspreads my face, because it stabs my Name._
[Illustration]
ON
THE ENGLISH ROGUE.
_What others writ, was ta’en upon the Score;
Thou art in _Re_, what they but _feign’d_ before.
They did but _lisp, or worse_, speak through the Nose:
Thou hast pronounc’t, and liv’st in _Verse_ and _Prose_.
_Guzman_, _Lazaro_, _Buscon_, and _Francion_,
Till thou appear’dst did shine as at high Noon.
Thy Book’s now extant; those that Judge of Wit,
Say, They and _Rablais_ too fall short of it.
How could’t be otherwise, since ’twas thy fate,
To _practise_ what they did but _imitate_.
We stand amaz’d at thy _Ephesian Fire_;
Such _purchas’d Infamy_ all must admire._
N. D.
[Illustration]
ON THE ENSUING SUBJECT.
_What more _Rogues still_? I thought our happy Times
Were freed from such, as from _Rebellious Crimes_.
But such will be: i’ th’ best of _Times_ we find
The _worst of men_; the _Law_ can’t _lawless_ bind.
It might be so, since Nature thought it fit
To give some nought but _Lands_, to others _Wit_
But no _Estates_, bestowing such a mind
That can’t within due _limits_ be confin’d.
Hence _Depredations_, _Thefts_, nay worser facts,
_Cheating_ & _Whoring_, with unheard-of acts:
For _Swimming_ for their _Lives_, these _misrules_ think,
’Tis better _catch_ at any thing, then _sink_.
Such was this _Rogue_, esteem’d the worst of men;
Liv’d by his _Sword_, his _Pregnant Wit_, and _Pen_.
In short, Pray pardon if I speak amiss;
I never read so arch a _Rogue_ as _This_._
A. B.
The Preface to the Reader.
When this piece was first published it was ushered into the World with
the usual ceremony of a Preface, and that a large one, whereby the
Authour intended and endeavoured to possess the Reader with a belief,
that what was written was the Life of a _Witty Extravagant_, the
Authours Friend and Acquaintance. This was the intent of the Writer, but
the Readers could not be drawn to this belief, but in general concurred
in this opinion, that it was the Life of the Authour, and
notwithstanding all that hath been said to the contrary many still
continue in this opinion. Indeed the whole story is so genuine and
naturally described without any forcing or Romancing that all contained
in it seems to be naturally true, and so i’le assure you it is, but not
acted by any one single person, much less by the Authour, who is well
known to be of an inclination much different from the foul debaucheries
of the Relations, & if the Readers had read the _Spanish_ Rogue,
_Gusman_; the _French_ Rogue, _Francion_; and several other by Forraign
Wits, and have upon examination found that the Authors were persons of
great eminency and honour, and that no part of their own writings were
their own lives; they had happily changed their opinion of the Authour
of this; but they holding this opinion caused him to desist from
prosecuting his story in a Second Part, and he having laid down the
Cudgels I took them up, and my design in so doing was out of three
considerations, the first and chiefest was to gain ready money, the
second I had an itch to gain some Reputation by being in Print, and
thereby revenge my self on some who had abused me, and whose actions I
recited, and the third was to advantage the Reader and make him a gainer
by acquainting him with my experiences. This were the reasons for my
engaging in the Second part, and the very same reason induced me to joyn
with the Authour in composing and Writing a third and fourth Part, in
which we have club’d so equally, and intermixt our stories so joyntly,
that it is some difficulty for any at first sight to distinguish what we
particularly Writ and now having concluded the Preface, which should
never have been begun but that I had a blank page, and was unwilling to
be so ill a husband for you, but that you should have all possible
content for your money, and withal to tell you that I would not have you
as yet to expect any more parts of the book, for although a fifth and
last part is design’d, yet i’le assure you there is never a stitch
amiss, nor one line Written of it, and if you desire that, you must give
me encouragement by your speedy purchasing of what is already Written;
and thereby you will ingage
_Your Friend_,
_Francis Kirkman_.
[Illustration]
_The Epistle to the Reader._
Gentlemen,
It hath been too much the humour of late, for men rather to adventure on
the Forreign crazy stilts of other mens inventions, then securely walk
on the ground-work of their own home-spun fancies. What I here present
ye with, is an original in your own Mother-tongue; and yet I may not
improperly call it a Translation, drawn from the Black Copy of mens
wicked actions; such who spared the Devil the pains of courting them, by
listing themselves Volunteers to serve under his Hellish Banners; with
some whereof I have heretofore been unhappily acquainted, and am not
ashamed to confess that I have been somewhat soiled by their vitious
practices, but now I hope cleansed in a great measure from those
impurities. Every man hath his peculiar guilt, proper to his
constitution and age: and most have had (or will have) their exorbitant
exiliencies, erronious excursions, which are least dangerous when
attended by Youthfulness.
This good use I hope the Reader will make with me of those follies, that
are so generally and too frequently committed every where, by declining
the commission of them (if not for the love of virtue, yet to avoid the
dismal effects of the most dangerous consequences that continually
accompany them.) And how shall any be able to do this, unless they make
an introspection into Vice? which they may do with little danger; for it
is possible to injoy the Theorick, without making use of the Practick.
* * * * *
To save my Country-men the vast expence and charge of such experimental
Observations, I have here given an accompt of my readings, not in Books,
but Men; which should have been buried in silence, (fearing lest its
Title might reflect on my Name and Reputation) had not a publick good
interceded for its publication, far beyond any private interest or
respect.
When I undertook this Subject, I was destitute of all those Tools
(Books, I mean) which divers pretended Artists make use of to form some
Ill-contrived design. By which ye may understand, that as necessity
forced me, so a generous resolution commanded me to scorn a _Lituanian_
humour or Custom, to admit of _Adjutores tori_, helpers in a
Marriage-bed, there to engender little better than a spurious issue. It
is a legitimate off-spring, I’ll assure yee, begot by one singly and
soly, and a person that dares in spight of canker’d Malice subscribe
himself
A well-willer to his
Countries welfare,
_Richard Head_.
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
On the approvedly-ingenious, and his loving Friend, Mr.
_Richard Head_, the Author of this book.
_What _Gusman_, _Buscon_, _Francion_, _Rablais_ writ,
I once applauded for most excellent wit:
But reading _Thee_, and thy rich Fancies store,
I now condemne, what I admir’d before.
Henceforth _Translations_ pack away, be gone;
No _Rogue_ so well writ, as our _English_ one._
M. Y.
[Illustration]
To his respected Friend, the Author.
_Could I but reach _Bayes_ from _Apollo’s Tree_,
I’d make a _Wreath_ to _Crown_ thy _Work_ and _Thee_;
Which yet is needless, now I think upon’t;
Thy own _great Pen_ deservedly hath don’t.
Of all who write of _Thee_, this is my Vogue,
_None ere writ better of, and is less Rogue_._
W. W.
[Illustration]
On his deserving friend the Author.
__Fletcher_ the _King_ of _Poets_ of his age,
In all his writings throughout every page
Made it his chiefest business to describe
The various humours of the _canting-Tribe_:
His _Beggars-bush_, and other of his _Playes_
Did gain to him (deservedly) the _Bayes_.
_Nature_ and _Art_ in _him_ were both conjoyn’d;
None could ere say that his Wit was purloyn’d:
Neither is _thine_: he did all fancies fill,
From _Kings_ and _Queens_, unto the _Maid o’ th’ Mill_;
And so canst _thou_, for thou hast here display’d
The Vices of each _Sex_, and every _Trade_.
Wherefore what he in his time wore, do _thou_
Put on, a _Wreath_ of _Bays_ t’ adorne thy _brow_._
F. K.
[Illustration]
TO THE
READER,
In stead of the
_ERRATA_.
_This _Rogue_ hath had his faults, the Printers too;
All men whilst here do _erre_; and so may _you_._
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
THE
ENGLISH ROGUE,
Describ’d in the Life of a
_Witty Extravagant_.
CHAP. I.
_What his Parents were. The place of his own Nativity. His
miraculous Escape from the hands of Irish Rebels. His
brother being at that very time murdered by the
merciless hands of those bloody Butchers._
After a long and strict Inquisition after my Fathers Pedegree, I could
not find any of his Ancestors bearing a _Coat_: surely length of time
had _worn_ it out. But if the _Gentle Craft_ will any wayes ennoble his
Family, I believe I could deduce several of his Name, Professors of that
lasting Art, even from _Crispin_. My Fathers Father had by his continual
labour in Husbandry, arrived to the height of a Farmer, then the Head of
his Kindred: standing upon one of his own Mole-Hills, Ambition so
swelled him, that he swore by his Plow-share, that his eldest Son (my
Father) should be a _Scholhard_: and should learn so long, till he could
read any printed or written hand; nay, and if occasion should serve,
write a Bill or Bond.
It was never known that any of the Family could distinguish one letter
from another, neither could they speak above the reach of their Horses
understandings. Talk to them in any other Dialect but that of a
_Bag-pudding of a Peck_, or _a piece of Beef_, (in which their teeth
might step wet shod) and a man were as good to have discoursed with them
in _Arabick_. But let me not abuse them; for some understood something
else that is to say, The Art of Whistling, Driving their Team and to
shoo themselves as well as their Horses; how to lean methodically upon a
Staff and through the holes of their Hat, tell what it is a Clock by the
Sun.
The symmetricall proportion, sweetness of features, and acuteness of my
Fathers wit, were such (though extracted out of this lump of _red_ and
_white marle_) that he was belov’d of all. As the loveliness of his
person gain’d always an interest in Female hearts; so the quickness of
apprehension and invention, and the acquired quaintness of his
expressions; procured him the friendship of such as converted with him.
A Gentleman at length taking notice of more then ordinary natural Parts
in him, at his proper charge sent him to School contrary to the desire
of his Father, who was able enough to maintain him at School; and to say
the truth this Gentleman offered not my Father his patronage upon any
charitable account, but that he might hearafter glory in the being the
chief instrument of bringing up such a fair promising Wit, which he
questioned not with good cultivation would bring forth such lovely fruit
as would answer cost, and fully satisfie his expectation. Being admitted
into the Grammar-School, by the strength of his memory, to his Masters
great amazement, in a very short time he had _Lillies Rules_ by heart,
out-stripping many that for years had been entred before him; his Master
perceiving what a stupendious proficiency he had made, was very glad
that this fair opportunity offered it self, that he might be idle, and
in order thereunto would frequently appoint my Father to be his Usher or
Deputy, when he intended to turn Bacchanalian, to drink, hunt, or whore,
to which vices he was over-much addicted. My Father having now conquered
in a manner the difficulties of that Schools learning began now to lay
aside his Book, and follow the steps of his vicious learned Master, the
examples of a Superior proving oftentimes guides to inferior actions,
_Regis ad exemplum_——
Besides his springing Age (wherein the blood is hot and fervent) spur’d
him on, and the natural disposition of his mind, gave him wings to flye
whither his unbounded, licentious, self pleasing will would direct. His
Youth introduced him into all sorts of vanity, and his Constitution of
body, was the Mother of all his unlawful pleasures. His Temperament gave
Sense preheminence above Reason. Thus you see (which experience can more
fully demonstrate) how the heat of Youth gives fewel to the Fire of
Voluptuous Enjoyments; but without a supply of what may purchase those
delights, invention must be Tenter-hooked, which ever proves dangerous,
most commonly fatal. My Grand-father too indulgent to his son, supply’d
him continually with mony; which he did the more freely, since he was
exempted from such charges which necessity required for my Fathers
maintenance, he having now more than a bare competency, he not only
consents to the commission of evil, but tempts others to perpetrate the
like. And now following his own natural proneness to irregular liberty,
diurnaly suggests matters of innovation, not onely to his own, but
others reasons, _Lectum non citius relinquens quam in Deum delinquens,
non citius surgens quam insurgens_. No sooner relinquishing his bed, but
delinquishing his Creator, No sooner rising than rising against his God.
In short, I know not whether he prevailed more on others, or others on
him, for he was facile; the best Nature is most quickly depraved, as the
purest flesh corrupts soonest, and most noisom when corupted. Yet
notwithstanding these blooming debaucheries, he neglected not his Study
so much, but that he capacitated himself for the University, and by
approbation was sent thither by his Patron. He applyed himself close to
his Book for a while, till he had adapted himself a companion for the
most absolute critick could be selected out of any of the Colledges: in
the assured confidence of his own parts, he ventured among them, and
left such remarks of his cutting wit in all companies he came into, that
the Gallants and most notable Wits of _Oxford_, coveted so much his
company that he had not time to apply himself to his Study, but giving
way to their sollicitations, being prompted thereunto by his own
powerful inclinations, plunged himself over head and ears in all manner
of sensuality. For his lewd carriage, inimitably wicked practises, and
detestable behaviour, he was at last expelled the Colledge.
Now was he forc’d to return to his Father, who with much joy received
him, but would not tell him the true cause of his coming down: But to
palliate his villanies, informed his father that he had learned as much
as he could be instructed in; and now and then would Sprinkle his
discourse with a _Greek_ or _Latine_ Sentence; when talking with the
poor ignorant old Man; who took wonderful delight in the meer sound
thereof. When my father spake at any time, they were all as silent as
midnight, and then would my Grandfather with much admiration becken to
the standers by, to give their greatest attention, to what the _Speaker_
as little understood as his _Auditors_, not caring what non-sense he
utter’d, if wrapt up in untelligable hard words, purposely to abuse
those brutish Plough-jobbers. In ostentation he was carried to the
Parson of the Parish to discourse with him; who by good fortune
understood no other Tongue but what his mother taught him; My father
perceiving that, made _Shoulderamutton_ and _Kapathumpton_ serve for
very good _Greek_; which the Parson confirm’d: telling my Grandfather
further, that his Son was an excellent Scholar; protesting that he was
so deeply learned, that he spake things he understood not; this I have
heard him say, made him as good sport, as ever he receiv’d in the most
ingenious Society.
He had not been long in the Country, before a Gentlewoman taking notice
of his external and internal Qualifications, fell deeply in love with
him; and preferring her own pleasure before the displeasure of her
wealthy Relations, she _incontinently_ was married to him. I shall wave
how it was brought about in every particular, but only instance what is
therein remarkable. Doubtless the gestures he used in his preaching
(when she was present) might something avail in the conquest of her
affections; beginning with a _dearly beloved_ passionately extended,
looking full in her face all the while, and being in the time of the
Kingdomes alteration and confusion, a temporizing Minister, he had
learned all those tricks by which those of his Sect and coat used to
bewitch a female ear. But that which chiefly effected his desires, was
the assurance of an old Matron, that lived near my mother, who for
profit scrupled not to officiate as Bawd; this good old Gentlewoman
contrived waies to bring them together, unsuspected by any, by which
means they obtain’d the opportunity to perform _Hymens_ rites, Sans
Ceremonies of the Church. My mother finding impregnation, acquainted my
Father therewith, who (glad to hear how fast he had tied her to him)
urged her to the speedy Consummation of a Legal marriage, which she more
longed for than he did himself, but knew not how to bring it to pass, by
reason of those many Obstacles which they saw Obvious, and thwarting
their intentions. As first the vast disproportion between their Estates;
Next, the Antipathy her Parents bore to his Function. Joyning these to
many other Obstructions, with Fancy and Knowledge presented to them,
they concluded to steal a Wedding and accordingly did put it in
execution: much troubled her Parents were at first, to hear how their
daughter had ship-wrackt her fortune (as they judged it) in the
unfortunate loosing her maiden-head but time, with the intercession of
Friends, procured a Reconciliation between them, and all parties well
pleased. The old people took great delight in their fortune, hopeful
thoughts and expectations of their Son in law, but he more in the
reception of a large Sum of Money they paid him, and my mother most of
all (as she thought) in the continual conversation and enjoyment of my
Father, which she equally ranked with what might be esteemed the best of
things.
His eminent Parts natural, (and what he attain’d unto by his country
studies, being asham’d to have lost so much time) introduc’d him as a
Chaplain to a Noble man, with whom he travel’d into _Ireland_. He took
shipping at _Myneard_, and from thence sayled to _Knock fergus_, where
he lived both creditably and comfortably. Experience had then so
reformed his Life to so strict a religious course, that his Observers
gain’d more by his example than his Hearers by precepts. Thus by his
piety in the purity of his practice, he soon regain’d his lost credit.
By this time my mother drew near her time, having conceiv’d me in
_England_, but not _conceiving_ she thus should _drop_ me in an _Irish
Bog_. There is no fear that _England_ and _Ireland_ will after my
decease, contend about my Nativity, as several Countreys did about
_Homer_; either striving to have the honour of first giving him breath.
Neither shall I much thank my Native Country, for bestowing on me such
principles as I and most of my Country-men drew from that very air; the
place I think made me appear a Bastard in disposition to my Father. It
is strange the Clymate should have more prevalency over the Nature of
the Native, than the disposition of the Parent. For though Father and
Mother could neither flatter, deceive, revenge, equivocate, _&c._ yet
the Son (as the consequence hath since made it appear) can (according to
the common custom of his Country-men) dissemble and sooth up his
adversary with expressions extracted from Celestial Manna, taking his
advantage thereby to ruine him: For to speak the truth, I could never
yet love any but for some by-respect, neither could I ever be perswaded
into a pacification with that man who had any way injured me, never
resting satisfied till I had accomplisht a plenary revenge, which I
commonly effected under the pretence of great love and kindness. Cheat
all I dealt withal, though the matter were ever so inconsiderable. Lie
so naturally, that a Miracle may be as soon wrought, as a Truth proceed
from my mouth. And then for Equivocation, or Mental Reservations, they
were ever in me innate Properties. It was alwayes my Resolution, rather
to dye by the hand of a common Executioner, then want my revenge, though
ever so slightly grounded. But I shall desist here to characterize my
self further, reserving that for another place.
Four years after my Birth, the Rebellion began so unexspectedly, that we
were forced to flee in the night, the light of our flaming Houses, Ricks
of Hay, and Stacks of Corn guided us out of the Town, and our Fears soon
conveyed us to the Mountains. But the Rebels, wandering too and fro,
intending either to meet with their friends, (who flockt from all parts
to get into a Body) or else any English, which they designed as
Sacrifices to their implacable malice, or inbred antipathy to that
Nation, met with my Mother, attended by two Scullogues, her menial
servants, the one carrying me, the other my brother. The Fates had
decreed my brothers untimely death, and therefore unavoidable, the
_faithful Infidel_ being butchered with him. The surviving servant who
carried me, declared that he was a Roman Catholick, and imploring their
mercy with his howling _Chram a Cress_, for St. _Patrick a gra_,
procured my Mothers, his own, and my safety.
Thus was I preserv’d, but I hope not reserv’d as a subject for Divine
Vengeance to work on. Had I then died, no other guilt could have
rendered me culpable before Gods Tribunal, but what was derivative from
_Adam_. But since, the concatenation of sins various links hath
encompassed the whole series of my life. Now to the intent I may deter
others from perpetrating the like, and receive to my self Absolution
(according as it is promised) upon unfeigned Repentance, and ingenious
Confession of my nefarious Facts, I shall give the Readers a Summary
Relation of my Life: from my Non-age to the Meridian of my dayes, hoping
that my Extravagancies and youthful Exiliences, have in that state of
life, their declination and period.
CHAP. II.
_A short Account of the general Insurrections of the Irish,
Anno 1641._
But though the mercy of these inhumane Villains extended to the saving
of our lives; yet they had so little consideration and commiseration, to
expose our bodies (by stripping us) stark naked to the extremity of a
cold winter night, nor so much as sparing my tender age. Thus without
Shooes or Stockings, or the least Rag to cover our nakedness, with the
help of our Guide, we travelled all night through Woods as obscure as
that black darkness that then environed our Horizon. By break of day we
were at _Belfast_; about entering the skirts of the Town, this honest
and grateful servant, (which is much in an Irish man) being then assured
of our safety, took his leave of us, and returned to the Rebels.
Here were we received with much pitty of all, and entertain’d, and
cloth’d and fed, by some charitable minded Persons; to gratifie their
souls for what they had done for my mothers body, and those that
belong’d to her, my Father frequently preacht, which gave general
satisfaction, and continued thus in instructing his hearers, till the
_Sark_ or _Surplice_, was adjudged by a Scotish Faction, to be the
absolute Smock of the Whore of _Babylon_. Then was he constrain’d to
flee again to _Linsegarvy_ taking his charge with him.
Before I proceed, give me leave to digress a little in giving you a
brief account of the _Irish_ Rebellion. Not two years before it broke
out, all those ancient Animosities, Grudges, and Hatred, which the
_Irish_ had ever been observed to bare unto the English, seemed to be
deposited and buried in a firm Conglutination of their Affections, and
National Obligations, which passed between them, for these two had lived
together forty Years in peace, with such great security and comfort,
that it had in a manner consolidated them into one body, knit and
compacted together with all those Ligatures, of Friendship, Alliance,
and Consanguinity, as might make up a constant and everlasting Union
betwixt them there. Their Inter-marriages were near upon as frequent as
their Gossippings and Fosterings, (relations of much dearness among the
_Irish_) together with all Tenancies, Neighborhoods and Services
interchangeably passed among them. Nay, they had made as it were a
mutual Transmigration into each others manners, many English being
strongly degenerated into Irish Affections and Customes, and many of the
better sort of Irish studying as well the Language of the English as
delighting to be Apparrel’d like them. Nay, so great an advantage did
they find by the English Commerce and Cohabitation, in the profits and
high improvements of their Lands, as Sir _Phelim O Neal_, that
Rebellious Ringleader, with divers others eminent in that bloody
Insurrection, had not long before turn’d off their Lands, their Irish
Tenants, admitting English in their rooms; who are able to give far
greater Rents, and more certainly pay the same. So as all those
circumstances duly weighted & considered with the great increase of
Trade, and many other evident Symptoms of a flourishing Commonwealth; it
was believed even by the wisest and most experienced in the affairs of
_Ireland_, that the Peace and Tranquility of that Kingdom was fully
settled, and most likely in all humane probability to continue,
especially under the Government of such a King as _Charles_ the First,
whom after-ages may admire, but never match. Such was the serenity and
security of this Kingdom, as that there appeared not any where any
Martial preparations, nor reliques of any kind of disorders, no nor so
much as the least noise of War whisperingly carried to any ear in all
this Lands.
Now whilst in this great calm, the Brittish continued in the deepest
security, whilst all men sat pleasently enjoying the fruits of their own
labors, sitting under their own Vines, without the least thoughts of
apprehension of Tumults, Troubles, or Massacres; there brake out on
_October_ the Twenty third, in the Year of our Lord, sixteen hundred
forty and one, a most desperate, dierful, and formidable Rebellion, an
Universal Defection and Revolt, wherein not only the meer Native Irish,
but almost all those English that profess the Name of _Roman
Catholicks_, were totally involved.
Now since it is resolved by me to give you a particular account of the
most remarkable Transactions and passages of my life, it will be also
necessary to acquaint you with the beginning and first motions. Neither
shall I omit to trace the Progress of this Rebellion, since therein, I
shall relate summarily my suffering, and what others under went, the
horrid cruelties of the Irish, and their abominable murders committed,
as well without number, as without mercy, upon the English Inhabitants
of both Sexes, and all Ages.
It was carried with such secresie, that none understood the Conspiracy,
till the very evening that immediately preceeded the night of its
general execution. I must confess there was some such thing more than
suspected by one Sir _William Cole_, who presently sent away Letters to
the Lord Chief Justices, but miscarried by the way. _Owen O Conally_
(though meer Irish, was notwithstanding a Protestant) was the first
discoverer of this general Insurrection giving in the Names of some of
the chief Conspirators. Hereupon the Lords convened and sat in Council,
whose care and prudence at that time was such, that some of the
Ringleaders were instantly siezed, and upon examination, confest that on
that very day of their surprizal, all the Ports and Places of strength
in _Ireland_, would be taken; that there was a considerable number of
Gentlemen and others, twenty out of each county, were come up expresly
to surprize the Castle of _Dublin_. Adding further, that what was to be
done in the Country (where _Mercury_ the swift Messenger) could neither
by the wit of man, or by Letter, be prevented. Hereupon a strict search
was made for all strangers lately come to Town, and all Horses were
seized on, whose owners could not give a good account of them. And
notwithstanding, there was a Proclamation disperst through all
_Ireland_, giving notice of a horrid Plot designed by Irish Papists,
against English Protestants, intending thereby a discouragement to such
of the Conspirators, as yet had not openly declared themselves. Yet did
they assemble in great number, principally in the North, in the Province
of _Ulster_, taking many Towns, as the _Newry Drummoor_, &c., burning
spoiling, and committing horrible murthers every where. These things
wrought such a general consternation and astonishment in the minds of
the English; that they thought themselves no where secure, flying from
one danger into another.
In a very short time, the meer Irish Northern Papists by closly Persuing
on their first Plot, had gotten into their possession most of the Towns,
Forts, Castles, and Gentlemens Houses within the Counties of _Tyron_,
_Donegal_, _Fermanah_, _Armah_, _Cauan_, &c. The chief that appeared in
the Execution of this Plot, within the Province of _Ulster_, were Sir
_Phelim O Neal_, _Tourlough_ his Brother, _Ronre Mac Guire_, _Phillip O
Rely_, Sir _Conne Mac Dennis_, _Mac Brian_, and _Mac Mahan_, these
combining with their Accomplices dividing their Forces, and according to
a general Assignation, surprised the Forts of _Dongannon_ and _Montjoy_,
_Carlemant_, with other places of considerable strength. Now began a
deep Tragedy: The English having either few other than Irish Landlords,
Tenants, Servants, Neighbours, or familiar Friends, as soon as this fire
brake out, and the whole Country in a general Conflagration, made their
recourse presently to some of these, lying upon them for protection and
preservation, and with great confidence trusted their lives and all
their concerns in their powers. But many of these in short time after,
either betrayed them to others, or destroyed them with their own hands.
The Popish Priests had so charged and laid such bloody impressions on
them, as it was held according to their Doctrine they had received, a
deadly sin to give an English Protestant any relief.
All bonds of Faith and Friendship now fractur’d, Irish Landlords now
prey’d on their English Tenants; Irish Tenants and Servants, made a
Sacrifice of their English Landlords and Masters, one Neighbor
murthering another; nay, ’twas looked on as an act meritorious in him
that could either subvert or supplant an English man; The very Children
imitating the cruelty of their Parents, of which I shall carry a mark
with me to my Grave, given me with a Skene by one of my Irish
Play-fellows. It was now high time to flie, although we knew not
whither; every place we ari’vd at we thought least secure, wherefore our
motion was continual; and that which heightened our misery, was our
frequent stripping thrice a day, and in such a dismal stormy tempestuous
season, as the memory of man had never observ’d to continue so long
together. The terror of the Irish and Scotch incomparably prevailed
beyond the rage of the Sea, so that we were resolved to use all possible
means to get on Shipboard. At _Belfast_ we accomplisht our desires,
committing ourselves to the more merciful Waves. This Relation being so
short, cannot but be very imperfect, if I dare credit my mother, it is
not stain’d with falshood. Many horrid things (I confess) I purposely
omitted, as desiring to wave any thing of aggravation, or which might
occasion the least Animosity between two, though of several Languages,
yet I hope both united in the demonstration of their constant loyalty to
their Soveraign _Charles_ the Second.
CHAP. III.
_After his arrival in _Devonshire_, he briefly recounts what
waggeries he commited, being but a Child._
Being about five years of age, Report rendred me a very beautiful Child,
neither did it (as most commonly) prove a Lyar. Being enricht with all
the good properties of an handsome face, had not pride in that my tender
age, depriv’d me of those graces and choise ornaments which compleat
both form and feature. Thus happen’d, my Father kept commonly many
Turkeys; one amongst the rest could not endure the sight of a Red Coat,
which I usually wore. But that which most of all exasperated my budding
passion, was, his assaulting my bread and butter, and instead thereof,
sometimes my hands; which caused my bloomy Revenge to use this
Stratagem: I enticed him with a piece of Custard (which I temptingly
shewed him), not without some suspition of danger which fear suggested,
might attend my treachery, and so led me to the Orchard-gate, which was
made to shut with a pulley; he reaching in his head after me, I
immediatly clapt fast the Gate, and so surprized my _mortal Foe_: Then
did I use that little strength I had, to beat his brains out with my
Cat-stick; which being done, I deplum’d his tayl, sticking those
feathers in my Bonnet, as the insulting Trophies of my first and latest
Conquest. Such then was my pride, as I nothing but gazed up at them;
which so tryed the weakness of mine eyes and so strain’d the Optick
Nerves, that they ran a tilt at one another, as if they contended to
share with me in my victory. This accident was no small trouble to my
Mother, that so doated on me, that I have often heard her say, _She
forgot to eat (when I sate at Table) for admiring the sweetness of my
complexion_. After she had much grieved her self to little purpose, she
consulted with patience, and applyed her self to skilful Occulists, to
repair the loss this face blemishing had done so sweet a countenance,
though for the present it eclipsed my Mothers glory and pride, yet Time
and art reduced my eyes to their proper station; so that within six
years their oblique aspects were hardly discernable. When I was about
ten Years old, I have heard some say that this cast of my eyes was so
far from being a detriment, that it became my ornament. Experience
confirm’d me in this belief; for they prov’d as powerful, as the
perswasive arguments of my deluding tongue, both which conjoyn’d, were
sufficient (I speak it not vain gloriously) to prevail even over the
_Goddess of Chastity_, especially when they were backt on with ardent
desires, and an undaunted resolution. But to my purpose: being driven
out of _Ireland_, there being at that time no place of safety in that
Kingdom, my Mother taking me with her, being compelled to leave my
Father behind, barbarously murdered by the Rebels for being a protestant
Preacher, she adventured to Sea not caring whether she went. Foulness of
weather drove us upon the coast of _France_, where we were forced to
land, to repair what damage the Ship had sustained in stress of weather.
From hence we set sail, and landed in the West of _England_, at a place
called _Barnstable_ in the County of _Devon_. Here we were joyfully
received, and well entertained by some of my Mothers kindred at first;
but lying upon them, they at length grew weary; so that we were forced
to go from thence to _Plymouth_, so called from the River _Plime_, unto
which the Town adjoyneth: at that time it was strongly fortyfied by new
raiz’d Works, a Line being cast about it, besides places of strength
antiently built; as the Castle, the Fort of an hundred pieces of
Ordnance, that commands _Cat-water_, and over-looks the _Sound_, Mount
_Batten_, and the islands in the _Sound_, well furnished with Men and
great Guns impregnable; had they been never built or demolished raced
assoon as raised on their Basis, it had been much better then to have
prov’d the Fomenters of Rebellion in the late Wars for a whole year,
daily thundring Treason against their lawful Soveraign. We being here
altogether unacquainted both with the people and their profession, my
Mother having an active brain, casts about with her self how she should
provide for her charge, but found no way more expedient, than the
pretention of Religion. Zeal now and Piety were the only things she
seem’d to prosecute, taking the litteral sence of the Text; _Without
doubt Godliness is great gain_: But she err’d much in the profession and
seasonable practise thereof; Hers being according to the menu of the
true Church, the Church of _England_, whereas the _Plymotheans_ were at
that time Heterodox thereunto and led away as the rest of their Brethren
called Roundheads, by the spirit of delusion. Finding how much she was
mistaken, she chang’d quickly her Note and Coat; a rigid Presbyterian at
first, but that proving not so profitable, instantly transform’d her
self into a strict _independant_. This took well, which made her stick
close to the brethren, which rais’d their spirits to make frequent
contribution in private to supply her want: Here we had borrowed so much
of the Sister-hood, who vilely suspected my Mother to be too _dearly
beloved_ by the brother-hood, that it was high time to rub off to
another place, lest staying longer, the holy Mask of Dissimulation
should fall off; and she being detected be shamefully excluded their
Congregation, and so delivered up to be buffeted by Satan. Before I
leave the Town, give me leave to take a short view thereof. Formerly it
was a poor smal fishing Village, but now so large and thron’d with
inhabitants (many whereof very wealthy Merchants) that as it may be
compared with, so may it put in its claim for the name of a City.
Havens, as there are many so commodious, which without striking sail,
admit into the bosome thereof the tallest Ships that be, harbouring them
very safely, and is excellently well fortyfied against hostility. It is
scituate alike for profit and pleasure in brief, it wants little that
the heart of man would enjoy, from the various productions of the whole
Universe. Now farewell _Plymouth_, no matter whither we went, for
whereever we came; we found still some or other that gave us
entertainment for those good parts they found in my Mother she being
very well read both in Divinity and History, and having an eloquent
tongue, she commonly apply’d her self to the Minister of the Town; who
wondering to see so much learning and perfection in a Woman, either took
us to his own house for a while; or gathered some contributions to
supply our present necessities, with which we travelled to the next
Town: And in this manner we strouled or wandered up and down, being
little better then mendicant Itinerants, Staying so little time in a
place, and my mother being more careful to get a subsistance, than to
season my tender years with the knowledge of Letters, I was ten years
old before I could read. Travelling through many towns unfit for our
purpose, we at last took our seat for a while at _Biraport_ in
_Dorsetshire_, here being ashamed to go to School in this ignorance, I
applyed my self to my Mother, who taught me to apprehend the Alphabet in
less hours than there are letters; so that in a short time, I could read
distinctly, and immediately introduc’d into the Grammar School, where I
had not been long, before I became a Book-worm securing as many as lay
in my way, if convenient privacy serv’d. And to the intent that my
Thefts might pass undiscovered, before I would vend what Book I had
stolen, I usually metamorphozed them: if new, I would gash their skin,
and if the leaves were red, I would make them look pale with the wounds
they received; If much used, tear out all the remarks, and paint their
old faces, and having so done, make sale of them. This course I followed
a long time undiscovered, which cost many a Boy a Whipping at home by
their Parents, as well as Master. I had various uses for my money I made
thereof (you must think) but principally to bribe some of the upper Form
to make my Exercises, which were so well liked of by my Master, that I
still came off with applause; and in a short time so advanced, that I
was next to the highest Form, when I understood not the lowest Author we
read. I was forced to imploy my wits in the management of my hands, to
keep touch with my Pensioners, least they failing me for want of
encouragement, my Master should discover how much my dunceship was
abused. Frequent were my truantings, which were always attended with
some notorious fact besides small faults as robbing of Orchards, pulling
the first and seconds of forty or fifty Geese at a time, milking the
Cows or Goats into my Hat, and so drink the milk: And then for poultry,
there was seldome a day escaped wherein I had not more or less, usually
I took them thus. At night I haunted the Hen-roosts taking them off so
quietly from what they stood on, that their keckling noise seldome
alarum’d the rest; if I could not conveniently carry them off, I made
their Eggs compound for their heads. If I meet with any Geese at any
time, then out came my short stick with a string fastned to a bullet,
and tyed to the end thereof, with this would I fetch in my Game by the
neck, the weight of the bullet twirling the string so many times about
the neck, that they could not disengage themselves from inevitable
destruction. I used to fish for Ducks, baiting my Hook with a gut or
some such trash, and laying it on a piece of Corke, that swimming it
might be the sooner perceived, I could catch in a short time as many as
I pleased: Nay, I have not only thus deceived the tame fowl, but the
same way with a longer time, I have caught Gulls and other Sea-birds.
What I had gotten by these cunning & so much to be approved tricks, I
carryed to a house that encouraged me in my Roguery, participating of
the cheer, and so feasting me for my pains: if I had stolen any thing, I
had my recourse to them, who would give me two pence for what was worth
a shilling, and render me good content. I knew my punishment for my
rambling and valued it not; therefore little hope of reformation from
thence. Nay for very small faults I wished to be whipt, knowing the rod
would then be laid on gently, which carried with it a tickling pleasure.
As for my Thefts and Rogueries abroad I was careful they should not be
discovered. If any Boy had injur’d me whose strength exceeded mine, so
that I durst not cope with him, I would exercise my revenge upon him
privately, concealing the resentment of the injury he did me. For to
grin and not bite, doth but perswade an Adversary to knock out those
teeth that may prove some time or other injurious. One common trick I
had, was to stick a pin on the board whereon he was to sit: in this
manner did I serve several, in which fact I was at last taken. The
punishment my Master inflicted on me, was, to sit by his desk alone and
complete a copy of Verses; there was great likelihood I should perform
my task, when I knew not how many feet an Hexameter required and yet I
then read _Virgil_. However some thing I must attempt, and thinking
_Saphicks_ and _Iambicks_ too difficult, I ventur’d upon _Heroicks_,
supposing them the easier composition. But Lord into what an access of
laughter did my Master fall into, when he perused my hobling strains.
Surely said he, these Verses are running a race altogether, the first
did not start fairly, or else is a very nimble Gentleman, for he hath
out run all his fellows four feet, the second comes two foot short of
him, yet too forward for a true pace; here is another lame in a foot,
and halts most scurvily, here is another whose quantity is short, and
hath gotten upon stilts to seem long, and one (in contradiction to him)
which is long, because he will be short hath cut his own Legs off: With
these and the like speeches did he please himself in his own wit, (which
I understood but little) and after he had tired himself and me too, with
prodigal talk: He then spake to me in a harder dialect, making me
understand how ignorant I was, and how much precious time
(irrecoverably) I had lost, which so much seiz’d on my spirits, that I
was much griev’d and troubled, so that he made Vermilion tears run down
my cheeks, _&c._ After he had bestowed so much correction as he thought
might work in me penitence for my egregious truanting he degraded me,
and made me begin a new. The shame whereof and reproach I daily received
from my School-fellows, I could not bear; wherefore I prevailed on my
Mothers indulgence, to let me regain what I had lost at home, which she
consented to. But perceiving my Lecherous inclinations, by my night
practises with her Maid, resolved to send me to a Boarding School: For
our Family being but small, I lay with the Maid: beeing so young, my
Mother did not in the least suspect me; but my too forward Lechery would
not let me lie quiet, putting her frequently to the Squeak. In fine, I
was sent away a great distance to a very severe and rigid Master, I no
sooner commenced Scholar to this Tyrant pedagogue, but I was kept close
to my Book, and lest my Wit should be any ways dulled, my stomack was
always kept sharp; which quickned my invention to supply what was
deficient. There is no complaint so insufferable as the grumbling of
empty and dissatisfied Guts. My greatest care was to insinuate my self
into the favour of the Servant Maids, knowing they loved to play at _a
Small Game_ rather then stick out. I performed my business so well that
my stomack was always satiated, when the rest of the Boarders were
dissatisfied, often going to bed in a manner supperless. Here I was
depriv’d of my old pilfering way, because I had no convenience for the
disposal of what I stole, it being but a very small Village. However to
keep my hand in use, I daily practised on Fruit. Sometimes with a Spar
sharpned at one end, I pickt the Apples out of the Baskets: other times
I took with me a Comrade, and then thus would we do. I would go to the
Fruiterer and bargain with him for a penny worth or more of Apples,
receiving them into my Hat, pretending to draw my mony out, I did clap
my Hat between my Legs my partner perceiving that (as we had afore
plotted it would be) behind, snatcht it through my Legs and ran away
with it, I thereupon did use to roar out as if I had been undone, and
pretending to run after him to regain my Hat, we got out of sight and
then shared the booty. One time coming a long the Market, I saw a small
basket of Cherries, I demanded of the woman that sold them, what she
would have for as many as I could take up in my hand; she looking upon
it and seeing it was but a very small one; proportionable to my Stature,
two pence said she; with that, I laid her down her Price, and took up
basket and all the Cherries therein contain’d, and in a sober pace
carried them away. The woman amazed that she should be thus surprized by
such a Younker followed me; and making a great noise, gathered a conflux
of people about us, and among the rest a Gentleman of quality, who was
very earnest to know what the matter was; Holding my purchase fast in my
hands (for nothing could perswade me to let go that booty I had so fair
obtained, I desired the Gentleman that he would be judge of my cause,
whereupon I related to him in what manner I bargained with the woman,
and that I had done nothing unjustly, but what was according to our
contract; the Gentleman wondering at the Pregnancy of wit in so tender
an age, laught heartily, and condemned the Cherries for my own proper
use, but withal paid the woman for them. I was naturally so prone to
please my sences so that I cared not what course I took that I might
obtain my desires, I appli’d my self more to my wit and invention, than
I should have done, had I had anything allowed me from a Friend for a
moderate expence. But my Mother thought otherwise, knowing by infallible
symptomes, the extravagantness of my inclinations, and therefore
debarred me as much as she could the very sight of money. A River
confined within some made Bank, deterring its natural course, will (when
that is overthrown which impeded its progress) flow with the greater
impetuosity: Youth may for a while be circumscribed as to its desires:
but if his inclination prompt him to the enjoyment of sensual delights,
sooner or later he will taste their relish; and better early than late.
Before the Noon of his days approach, Experience may reform his Life and
Conversation though from the dawning Morning thereof, till the Meridian
his Actions have been nothing else but the Extract of all manner of
Debauchery. But (it is commonly observed): That Man which in the
Declination of his Age tracks the bypaths of Vice and Licentiousness
seldom desists till Death cuts off his passage; never leaving off doting
on such false and imaginary pleasures, till the _Grim Pale-faced
Messenger_ takes him napping. Thus much by way of digression.
Our Master was very ancient, however resolved that his Age should not
hinder his Teaching: for if he found himself indisposed, he would send
for us all into his bed-chamber, instructing us there: A man of so
strange a temper, that he delighted to invert the course of Nature,
lying in bed by day, and walking in the night, the rain seldome
deterring him. On a time above the rest, a Gentleman had sent his Son
five pieces of Gold to give his Master for Diet, _&c._ Our Master
receiving them, called for a small Cabinet that stood in the room, which
I (more officious than the rest) brought him. Having put in the Gold, he
commanded me to carry it from whence I had it: which I did, well
considering the weight thereof, being, though small, very heavy. The
Devil presently became my Tutor, suggesting to my thoughts various ways
for the gaining this money. At last I resolved to take the impression of
the Key in wax: which with much difficulty I obtained and carried it to
a Smith four miles distant. The old Fellow (immediately upon my
proposal) suspected me; (doubtless he was acquainted with such kind of
devices) and questioning me what I intended thereby, I was forced to
betake my self to my Legs for safety, not knowing what answer to make
him. The Smith seeing me run, thinking to benefit himself by
apprehending me persued after, with a red hot iron in his hand which his
haste had made him forget to lay aside, one standing by me, (just as the
Smith had almost overtaken me) seeing him come running with a hot iron
in his hand, and fearing lest his blind passion might prompt him to
mischief me, struck up his heels who in the fall gave himself a burnt
mark in the hand which no doubt he had long ago deserv’d; my unknown
friend would not suffer him to rise till I was out of sight. My first
stratagem not suiting with my purpose, I try’d a Pick-lock of mine own
invention; but that would not effect my design neither: so that I
concluded to take Cabinet and all, and in order thereunto watcht my
opportunity when he should walk abroad according to his custom at night.
It was not long ere I enjoyed my wishes. My masters custom was to walk
abroad at nights, and sleep in the day time; inverting the course of
Nature: foreknowing his intention, I got into the Chamber and conceal’d
my self under the Bed: So finding my way clear, I convey’d my self and
purchase out of the House; and travelled all night. In the morning I
found my self near a small Town, about sixteen miles distant from the
place whence I came. Thinking my self now secure, I thought it very
requisite here to repose my wearied Limbs and solace my self with the
sight of what I had gotten; but it was not long after that I was so
laced for it, that comparatively to my punishment _Bridewell_ whipping
is but a pastime. The first Bush I came at I went in and called for
Sack, having never tasted any, & hearing much talk thereof; at which the
people of the house much admired that so small an Urchin as I should
call for such costly liquor, they viewed me very attentively, but more
especially the Cabinet, which caused them to suspect me. The Master of
the house was acquainted herewith, who as the Devil would have it was a
Puritan, & a Constable too, officious and severe. Without craving pardon
for his bold intrusion, he desired me I would admit him into my
Boy-ships society. I confess his gray hairs and sower countenance made
me at first sight, very much fear what the event of his visit would
prove. However with a seeming undauntedness I drank to him, but what a
difference of taste there was in that and the first glass I drank
_Solus_: at length he came to ask me divers questions, _Whence I came?_
_Whither I was going?_ _What was contained within that Cascanet?_ and
the like. Before I could give the resolution of what they demanded, the
_Hue and Cry_ overtook me: presently I was laid hold on, and my treasure
taken from me: that which vext me as much as my Surprizal was, I had no
further time to try what kind of taste the Sack had. Various were the
talk of the people, every one spending his Verdict on me. _This is a
prime young rogue indeed, to begin thus soon, _said one_, could he have
seen, when in his Mothers belly, surely he would have stoln something
thence. _Another said_, Forward fruit was soon rotten, and since I began
to steal whilst a child, I should be hanged before _I_ should write
Man._ Ready to die with fear, I was sent back to the place whence I came
and from thence to the place of execution, had not the tenderness of my
age, and fewness of years procured pitty from my injur’d Master.
Confin’d I was within his house, lockt up close Prisoner in a Chamber,
till that he could acquaint my mother with what had past. In this time I
was not debarred of my sustenance though my Commons were Epitomized,
neither was I altogether deprived of society, for I was daily visited by
my master attended with a Cat of Nine-tails (as he called it) being so
many small cords, with which he fleyd my buttocks; and when he found me
stubborn, or not penitent enough as he thought, after he had skinned my
podex, he would wash it with vinegar, or water and salt. Within a week
my Mother arrived, who hearing of my Rogueries, was so impatient, that
she would needs take me to task her self; But when she had untrust me,
and saw me in so woful a plight, my shirt being as stiff as Buckram with
_blood_ and my tender breech ploughed and harrowed, fell down as if she
had been about to expire: recovering my Master endeavour’d to satisfy
her, by telling her that great offences required great punishments; and
the way to bend an oak, is to do it whilst it is young, I had once when
young (said he) a Spaniel which would find out the Hens nest, and
breaking the eggs suck them, so that we could never have any Chickens,
at last discovering who was the malefactor; I be thought my self of this
punishment which should hinder him for ever doing the like. I got an egg
roasted so hard till the shell was ready to burn, then did I first show
the Egg to the dog, and then clapt it hot into his mouth holding his
jaws close, this so tormented him by burning, that ever after he could
not indure the sight thereof but if shown run away crying as if he had
been beaten. Thus for the notorious fact your Son must be so sharply
chastized, that when he thinks of stealing he shall remember those
torments he once endured for it, & so frighten him from executing any
such crime. Many more arguments he alledg’d to that purpose, which had
satisfied her well in his severity, had not natural affection
interposed. What to do with me she knew not; wherefore she consulted
with my Master, who told her, _He durst not keep me longer, the Country
people bringing in daily complaints against me_. And to aggravate my
Mother the more, he briefly summ’d up my faults in this manner; having
had justly various accusers who drew up my indictment, Thus.
_Imprimis_, That one of his Maids having crost me (to be reveng’d of
her; knowing she was a drowsie wench, when asleep not easily wak’d) as
she slept by the fire, I took my opportunity, to melt some glew, and
gently toucht the closure of both her eye-lids with a pencil, which well
I knew would lock up her sight. Against the time I intended to wake her
I placed all about her Chairs and Stools. The Plot being ripe, I
pretended her Mistress called; The wench starting up running and rubbing
of her eyes turn’d topsie turvy over the chairs, getting up the ingag’d
her self with the stools and so entangled her self therein, that
indeavouring to free her self her coats acted the parts of Traytors in
discovering the hidden secrets and _Arcanas_ belonging to her sex, and
that with much satisfaction I had seen the execution of my revenge. That
this wench could not be perswaded by any means, but that as a judgement
she was stricken blind for some sin she had committed privately, which
then her conscience did whisper in her ear; and undoubtedly had turn’d
Lunatick had she not been speedily restored to her sight by taking off
the glew, which was done with much difficulty. That he going about to
correct me for this unlucky and mischievous fact, was by me shown a very
_Shitten trick_, which put him into a _stinking condition_, for having
made my self laxative on purpose squirted into his face upon the first
lash given. That being upon boys backs, ready to be whipt, I had often
bit holes in their ears. That another time sirreverencing in a paper,
and running to the window with it, which lookt out into the yard, my
aged Mistress looking up to see who opened the Casement, I had like to
have thrown it into her mouth; however for a time deprived her of that
little sight she had left, that another time I had watcht some lusty
young Girls, that used in Summer nights about twelve a clock to wash
themselves in a small brook near adjacent, and that I had concealed my
self behind a Bush, and when they were stript, took away their cloaths,
making them dance home after me stark naked to the view of their sweet
hearts whom I had planted in a place appointed for that purpose, having
given them before notice of my design. A great many more such tricks he
recounted which he knew, but not the tenth of what he knew not. As for
example, on _Christmass-day_, we had a pot of Plumb-broth. I askt the
Maid to give me a taste to see how I lik’d them, _I that I should_, she
said (this was the Maid I had so serv’d before with glew) and with that
takes up a ladle full and bid me sup, she holding the ladle in her own
hand, I imprudently opening my mouth somewhat larger then I should she
poured down the scalding pottage through my throat: at present I could
not tell the jade (that laught till she held her sides) how I lik’d
them; but I verily believ’d I had swallowed the _Gunpowder-Plot_,
expecting every moment to be _blown up_. I took as little notice of this
passage as possibly I could, resolving to retalliate her kindness when
she least thought on’t. I observed the maid to carry this plum-pottage
pot into the yard, and taking notice that the weight of the Jack was in
the same yard, wound up a great height under a small pent-house, the
Jack being down I suddenly removed the weight, and fastned the pot to
the line, so going into the Kitching, wound it up to the top, and then
stopt it, for the meat was taken up. The house was all in an uproar
instantly about the Pot, every one admiring what should become of it:
The Maid averred that she saw it even now, and none could remove it but
the Devil. Others asserted (which were infected with _Puritanism_) that
it was a Judgment shown for the superstitious observation of that
festival day; but the next day, roasting Meat, this seeming miracle
vanished by the descending of the pot fastened to the Jack-line. Another
time my Master had reserved in his Garden some choise Aprecocks, not
above an half-score; which he purposed for some friends that intended to
visit him shortly: The daily sight of this delicate fruit, being
forbidden, tempted me more strongly to attempt their rape; but I made
choice of an impropitious hour to accomplish my design in; for my master
looked out of his window and saw me gather them, though he knew not
absolutely whether it was I or no. Whereupon; he instantly summoned us
together, being met, I quickly understood his intention: therefore I
conveyed the Aprecocks into the next boys pocket, I had no sooner done
it, but we were commanded to be searched; I was very forward to be the
first though I was most suspected, but none was found about me, so that
I was acquitted. But to see with what amazement the poor boy gazed, when
they were discovered about him, how strangely he looked, distorting his
face into several forms, produced laughter even from my incenc’d Master,
but real pity from me, for he was severely whipped for that Crime I my
self committed. I could recite many more such like childish Rogueries,
did I not fear I should be tedious in their relation, and burden the
Reader with juvenile follies; fore I shall return where I left off.
Whilst my Mother was in a serious consultation with her Reason, how she
should dispose of me, I had not patience to wait the result, but gave
her the slip, resolved to run the risk of Fortune, and try whether mine
own endeavours would supply my necessities.
CHAP. IV.
_How he ran from his Mother, and what courses he steered in
one whole years Ramble._
It was in _August_ when I undertook this my Knight-errantry; the
fairness of the Season much favoured my enterprise: thinking I should
always enjoy such weather, and never be pincht with necessity, I went on
very couragiously. The first dinner I made was on Blackberries and Nuts,
esteemed by me very delicious fare at first, which delighted me so much
the more, having not my liberty controul’d. When night approached it
seemed very uncouth & strange, finding instead of a feather-bed, no
other thing to lie on but a _Haycock_, and no other _coverlid_ but the
_Canopy of Heaven_. But considering with my self that I had no task to
con over night, nor fear of over-sleeping my self next morning, and so
be fetcht to School by a Guard of my fellow Schollars with a Lanthorn
and Candle, though the Sun appear’d at that time in his full lustre; I
laid my self down and slept profoundly, not without some affrighting
dreams: The last was of the Cat of Nine Tails, which my Master laid so
home me thought that the smart thereof made me cry out, and so I awaked;
as then the early Larke, the winged Herald of the morning, had not with
her pretty warbling Notes, summon’d the bright watchmen of the Night to
prepare for a retreat; neither had _Aurora_ opened the Vermillion
Oriental Gate, to make room for Sols radiant Beams, to dissipate that
gloomy darkness that had muffled up our Hemisphere in obscurity. In the
morning I went on in my progress as the day before; then began a shower
of tears to fall from my eyes, considering how I had left my
disconsolate, and almost heart-broken Mother, lamenting my loss, and
fearing what fatal courses I might take: it was no less trouble to me to
think that I was travelling I knew not whither, moneyless, having
nothing but hazel, and Brambles to address my self for the appeasing of
hungers approaching gripes. Now me thought I began to loath my
aforenamed _Manna_, Blackberries, Nuts, Crabs, Bullies, _&c._, and
longed to taste of the _Flesh-pots_ again, but the _Devil a bit_ could I
get but what the hedges afforded me. All day I thus wandred about, not
daring to come near any Town, having had such bad success in the last
when I first rambled, and now night came on, which put me in mind of
procuring a lodging somewhat warmer than the other. A Barn presently
offered it self to my sight, which I accosted, and without delay or
fear, entred into the inchanted Castle, where I found accommodations for
the most faithful and valiant Knight that ere strode Saddle for Ladies
sake. Here might I take my choice of variety of fresh straw, but my
weariness would not permit to complement my good fortune one jot, and I
so tumbled over head and ears; I had not lain there above an hour before
I heard a noise, and peeping out of the straw, being in a great fear, I
saw a many strange Creatures come into the Barn, for the day was not yet
shut in. My thoughts presently reminded me, that I had heard talk of
Hobgoblings, Fairies and the like, and judged these no other; and that
which confirmed me in this belief, was their Garb and talking to one
another in a Language I understood not, (but since, I understand it to
be Canting.) I lay still as long as my fear would permit me, but they
surrounding me, I was not able to contain my self longer, but cryed out
aloud, _Great God have mercy on me, and let not these Devils devour me_;
and with that, started out from among them: They amazed as much as I,
ran for it too, leaving their children behind them, every one esteeming
him the happiest man which was the foremost. I looking behind me, seeing
them following me, imagined these Devils ran upon all four, and having
started their game were resolved to hunt a sinful Leveret to death:
Concluding them long-winded Hell-hounds, I judgd praying a safer way
than flying, and so fell instantly on my knees: The _Gypsies_ quickly
overtook me, and finding me in that posture, soon understood whence
their fear proceeded. They then spoke to me in a Language I understood,
bidding me not be afraid; but I had heard the Devil was a Lyar from the
beginning, therefore I would not believe them. They would have rais’d me
from my devotion, telling me it was enough, and that made me suspect
them the more; thinking they designed to get me out of a praying
posture, that they might have the more power of me. Nothing prevailing
with me, they vowed and protested they would not injure me in the least,
and if I would go along with them, I should share as deliciously as they
did, this was a potent argument to perswasion, and so I agreed to go
along with them back again. All their cry was now for _Rum-booz_ (_i.
e._) for Good Liquor. Their Captain not induring to hear so sad a
Complaint, and not endeavour the supplying the want complained of,
immediately commanded out four able Maunders, (Beggars) ordering them to
stroule (wander) to the next Town, every one going apart. Some
Countrey-men gave them drink fearing they might fire the houses in the
night, out of revenge, others (out of the more ignorant sort) thought
they could command infernal spirits, and so harm them that way, or else
bewitch their Cattle, and therefore would not deny them: in so much,
that in a short time these four return’d laden with bub and food. It was
presently placed in the middle of us, who sate circularly; then out came
the Woodden dishes, every one provided but my self, but I was soon
suppli’d by a young Rum-Mort that sate next me intended for my sporting
mate. A health went round to the Prince of _Maunders_, another to the
Great Duke of _Clapperdogeons_, a third to the Marquess of _Doxy Dells_,
& _Rum Morts_, a fourth, to the Earl of _Clymes_; neither did we forget,
_Haly_, _Abbas_, _Albumazar_, _Arcandam_, with the rest of the
Waggoners, that strive who shall be principal in driving _Charles_ his
Wain. Most part of the night we spent in Boozing, pecking rumly or
wapping, that is drinking, eating, or whoreing, according to those
termes they use among themselves. Jealousie was a thing they never would
admit of in their Society, and to make appear how little they were
tainted therewith, the males and females lay promiscuously together, it
being free for any of the Fraternity to make choice of what _Doxie_ he
liked best, changing when he pleased. They plyed me so oft with their
_Rum-booz_ (as they called it) and pleased me so well in giving me a
young Girle to dally with, who (though in Rags, and with a skin
artificially discolloured tawny) yet I was not so ignorant, as not to
understand good flesh, and what properties went to the compleating a
votaress for _Venus_ service. I was so tickled in my fancy with this
pretty little wanton Companion, that for her sake, I was very well
content to list my self one of that Ragged Regiment. And that which
added to the induceing me to this resolution, was my want of money, and
what I suffered in those two foregoing hard dayes fare among the Nut
Trees. I first acquainted my _Doxie_ with my intent, who glad to hear
thereof, gave it vent, and broacht it to the rest, who unanimously with
joy imbraced me; and to gratify my inagravation _tipt_ to each other a
Gage of _Booz_, and so went round. The fumes of drink had now ascended
into their brain, wherefore they _coucht a Hogs-head_, and went to
sleep.
CHAP. V.
_Wherein he relates what manner of People they were in whose
Society he entered himself, division of their Tribes,
Manners, Customes, and Language._
As soon as I had resolv’d to travel the Country with them, they fitted
me for their company by stripping me, and selling my proper garments,
and cloathing me in rags, which they pinn’d about me, giving a stitch
here and there, according as necessity required. We used not when we
entered our _Libkin_ or Lodging to pull off our clothes; which had I
been forced to do, I could never have put them on again, nor any, but
such who were accustomed to produce _Order_ out of a _Babel of Rags_.
Being now _ale mode Taterdemallion_, to compleat me for their purpose,
with green Walnuts they so discoloured my face, that every one that saw
me, would have sworn I was the true Son of an _Egyptian_. Before we
marched on, let me give you an account of our Leaders, and the rancks we
were disposed in. Our chief Commander was called by the name of
_Ruffeler_, the next to him _Upright-man_, the rest in order thus:
_Hookers_, (alias) _Anglero_.
_Priggers of Prancers._
_Pallyards._
_Fraters._
_Prigges._
_Swaddlers._
_Curtals._
_Irish toyle._
_Swigmen._
_Jarkemen._
_Patri-Coes._
_Kitchin-Coes._
_Abram men._
_Whip-Jacks._
_Counterfeit-Cranks._
_Dommerars._
_Glymmerers._
_Bawdy-Baskets._
_Autem-Morts._
_Doxies._
_Dells._
_Kitchin-Morts._
We Muster’d above threescore old and young, and because we were too
great a company to March together, we were divided into three Squadrons.
The first Squadron that led the Van, was ordered by our Commander, to
stick up small boughs all the way they went, that we might know what
course they steer’d. For like Wild Fowl we fly one after another, and
though we are scattered like the _quarters_ of a _Traitor_, yet like
water when cut with a Sword, we easily came together again. As the
_Switzer_ hath his Wench and his Cock with him when he goes to Wars: or
like a _Scotch Army_, where every Soldier almost hath the _Geud Wife_ &
the _Bearns_ following him: So we had every one his _Doxie_ or Wench,
who carried at her back a _Lullaby-cheat_, & it may be another in her
Arms. When they are weary of carrying them, they take their turnes to
put them in a pair of Panniers, like green Geese going to Market, or
like Fish in Dossers coming from _Rye_. Where note, that each division
hath a small Horse or two, or else Asses to ease them of their burdens.
Some of us were clad Antickly with Bells and other toys, meerly to
allure the Country people unto us, which most commonly produced their
desired effects. In some places they would flock unto us, in great
quantities, and then was our time to make our Markets. We pretended an
acquaintance with the Stars (as having an alliance to the _Egyptian
Magi_, the founders of Astrologick Art) and that the Ministers of Fate
were our Familiars, and so possessing these poor ignorant people with a
belief, that we could tell their fortunes by inspection into either
hands or faces; whil’st we were seriously looking thereon, one of our
_diving Comrades_ pickt their pockets, or with a short sharp knife, and
a horn on the thumb _nipt_ their _bungs_. By asking the silly milk Maids
questions, we gathered from their own mouths the properest resolutions,
then they would admire, and in their admiration tremble to hear the
Truth proceed from the mouth of such as were strangers to their actions,
by which means, among some we gained a great respect, accompanied with
fear. Did not Astrologers make use of such stratagems, they could never
acquire so much repute among the judicious, as well as vulgar
capacities. And because it falls in so pat to my present purpose, I
shall beg so much patience from the Reader, as to give him a brief
account of some fallacies, some _Star-gazing Impostors_ use to work
their own ends, and delude credulous people. One whereof I knew, who
raised his credit (and since a considerable estate) upon the Basis of
good intelligence. He kept a servant, who constantly attended below for
the reception of such who came for satisfaction in the Astrological
Resolution of questions. This mans Office was to tell the Querent, _That
his Master was busie above, about some grand concern, but if the Person
would be pleased to wait a little while, till that business was
dispatched he questioned not but that his Master would render him a
satisfactory account of what he demanded_, adding farther (to infuse
into him faith, to credit what he said) _that though report had spoken
largely_, (and yet nothing but what this Artist hath merited) _yet all
came far short of his real desert, having done such stupendious things,
that must needs (without injustice) be commemorized to Eternity, and
admired by future ages_. In the mean time, this servant endeavoured to
pump out of the Proponent what he came about, which being understood, he
gave information to his Master, by so many times ringing of a Bell. This
Item being given, the Querent is called up, and before ever he can frame
his mouth to propound his question, this profound Artist prevents him,
saying, _I know what you come about Sir, (therefore save your self the
labour to tell me that which I know already) you have lost a Watch, a
Horse; or you would know how you shall prosper in such a business,
whither Marriage or an Imployment; or any such like common question_.
This makes the Artist to be wondered at; and then erecting a Scheme,
positively and surlily tells him what he must expect, and that he may
give answers more exactly concerning stolen goods, he was in constant
fee with _Thief-takers_, who from time to time, made him a report of
what persons were robbed, what the things were, and many times gave him
a description of the Fellon. By these practises men believed every word
he delivered to be an Oracle; so that his Chamber was daily so thronged
with the report of people, that in a short time his ambition pricked him
on to purchases, with the money he had gained thus fallaciously. One
story, very remarkable, I shall add, and then crave your pardon for this
my digression. One day a young Gentleman (but of a mean estate) came to
him, who was more credulous than wise, and more inquisitive then
prudent; and having not that wealth which his _prodigality_ required,
desired instructions what course he was best to steer to arrive at the
Port of his wishes and hopes: viewing him narrowly, he perceived him to
be a man of a sweet complexion, and a body well proportioned; and
therefore judged him a fit subject for Female fancies to work upon.
_Sir_, (said he) _I shall give you my best advice, but I shall crave
your patience for a little while; for a matter of this weight must not
precipitately be undertaken: wherefore if you please to see me to
morrow, what lies in me shall be at your service._ Being just gone it
happened that a _Stale Maid_, who had more money than beauty, & less
discretion than lechery, came to be resolv’d of him, _When she should be
married_: (for it seems by the sequel she could tarry no longer:)
viewing her well, (though she knew not him) he knew her to be wealthy,
and nearly related to persons of quality. _Madam_, (said he) _I shall
endeavour your satisfaction_; and so withdrew into his closet. Having
staid a while bringing out his Figure, and with much gravity looking
thereupon, he thus unridled the mysterious meaning of the Celestial
Bodies. _Madam, You never was much troubled with the importunate suits
of amorous Visitants_, (this he gathered from the deformity of her
Physiognomy) _they all knowing your indifferency to change your
condition, but upon considerable grounds; by which means you have almost
frustrated what the Stars have designed for you. I hope it is but
almost_, (said she) _not altogether_: for it troubled her very much to
hear she should leave the world without tasting the sweets of a married
life. _No_, (he replied) _for if to-morrow by four of the clock in the
Afternoon, you go into _Moor-fields_, & take a turn or two in the
_Userers-walk_, you shall there meet with a person rich & handsome, that
at first sight shall fall extreamly in love with you; slight him not,
neither deny him his conjugal proposal; if you do, it will be too late
to hope for an husband. You shall distinguish him from others by these
signs: His Complexion is fair, his Eye sharp and piercing, his Hair
flaxen, of a middle Stature._ Her joy had like to have transported her
beyond the bounds of modesty, which she could not conceal, but made it
appear in a pecuniary expression of her gratitude for such welcome
tidings; and so promising him to follow his counsel, she took her leave.
The next morning the young Gallant came, who had his lesson given him:
but before he went, he made him give a Bond of 200_l._ to be paid upon
the day of his marriage with that Gentlewoman; which he gladly consented
to, and paid that very sum within ten days after, for according to the
directions was given him, he met with that Gentlewoman describ’d to him,
as he had been before to her, who at the first sight of each other, was
incapable of containing themselves, but mutually embrac’d (after three
or four words past) as if he had been her (_quondam_) Dearly Beloved,
returned from some long Voyage, and went not to their respective
lodgings till their Marriage was consummated. But to return where I left
off.
Thus we rambled up and down the Countrey; and where the people demean’d
themselves not civil to us by voluntary contributions, their Geese,
Hens, Pigs, or any such mandible thing we met with, made us satisfaction
for their hide-bound injuries. Our revenge most commonly was very
bloody, and so merciless, that whatever fell into our hands, never
escaped alive, and in our murders so cruel, that nothing would satisfie
us but the very hearts-blood, of what we killed. The usual sacrifices of
our implacable revenge, were innocent Lambs, Sheep, Calves, _&c._ all
which we handled more severely than Prisoners are by Serjeants, when
they are not paid their unjust Demands; Fees, I should have said, but
that by experience I have found, they walk not according to the Rules of
ancient Constitutions, but are guided by the dictates of their insatiate
wills, which is their Law, which poor Prisoners must indulge, (though
they rack their slender credits, or pawn their Clothes) or else they
must expect less kindness from them, then a Condemned person about to be
tyed up by the Hang-man, who will stay till he is ready to be turned
off. A Goose coming among us, we have a trick to make him so wise, as
never to be a Goose again: But let the wisest use what tricks they can,
they never shall make some Serjeants honest men. We seize the prey, and
leave the Tragical part to our _Morts_ or women to act: the _Stage_ on
which they perform their parts, is either some large _Heath_, or
_Firze-bush-Common_, far from any House. This being done, and night
approaching, we repair to our Dormitories, or Houses of rest, which are
most usually Out-barns of Farmers and Husbandmen, which we make choice
of in some poor stragling Village, who dare not deny us, for fear ere
the morning they find their Thatcht Houses too hot to hold them. These
Barns serve us instead of Cook Rooms, Supping Parlours, and
Bed-Chambers: having Supt, (most commonly in a plentiful manner) we
cannot _Couch a Hogshead_, that is to say, sleep, without good store of
_Rum-booz_, that is, drink; and having sufficiently warm’d our brains
with humming Liquor, which our _Lower_ (Silver) shall procure; if our
deceitful _Maunding_ (Begging) cannot, we then sing a catch or two in
our own Language, of which we had good store; which for their bawdry I
omit: however, give me leave to instance one Canting Song, and I shall
wave the rest, being loath to tire you too much with one thing.
_Bing out bien Morts, and toure, and toure,
Bing out bien Morts, and toure;
For all your Duds are bing’d awast
The bien Cove hath the loure.
I met a Dell, I view’d her well,
She was benship to my watch;
So she and I did stall, and cloy,
Whatever we could catch.
This Doxie Dell can cut bien whids,
And wap fell for a win;
And prig and cloy so benshiply,
All the Deusea-vile within.
The boyle was up, we had good luck,
In frost for and in Snow:
When they did seek, then did we creep,
And plant in Ruffe-mans low.
To strawling Ken the Mort bings then,
To fetch loure for her cheats;
Duds & Ruffe-peck, Rombold by Harman beck,
And won by Maunders feats.
Ye Maunders all, stow what you stall,
To Rome Coves what so quire,
And wapping Dell, that niggles well,
And takes loure for her hire.
And Jybe well jerckt, teck rome confect,
For back by glymmar to Maund;
To mill each ken, let Cove bing then,
Through Ruff-mans, jague, or Laund,
Till Crampings quire tip Cove his hire;
And Quire Ken do them catch,
A Canniken, mill quire Cuffin,
So quire to ben Coves watch.
Bien Darkmans then, Bouse Mort and Ken,
The bien Coves bings awast,
On Chates to trine by Rome Coves dine,
For his long lib at last.
Bing’d out bien Morts and toure, and toure,
Bing out of the Rome vile bine,
And toure the Cove that cloyd your duds,
Vpon the Chates to trine._
Having even wearied ourselves with drinking and singing, we tumbled
promiscuously together, Male and Female in Straw, not confining our
selves to one constant Consort, we made use of the first that came to
hand; by which means incests and Adulteries became our pastimes. By this
means I grew weary of their practices, and therefore resolved to desert
them as soon as the first opportunity should offer it self, which was in
a short time; wherefore at the present I shall say no more of them, only
give me leave to give some small account of their Language. The first
Inventor of Canting, as I am informed, was Hanged about four score years
since: such _Gibberish_ was never heard of before; since which time,
there hath not been wanting such, who have taken pains in the
pollishing, refining, and augmenting that Language of the _Devils Imps_.
It is a confused invention of words; for its Dialect I cannot find to be
grounded on any certain Rules; and no wonder since the Founders and
Practicers thereof, are the chief Fathers and Nourishers of Disorder.
Yet even out of that Irregularity a man may observe some kind of form,
and some words do retain something of Scholarship, as _Togeman_, a Gown,
from _Toga_; _Pannam_, from _Panis_ Bread; _Cosan_, _Caseus_, Cheese.
The monosyllable _Cheat_; we use as a Relative, as _Nab_, a Head;
_Nab-cheat_, a Hat, _&c._ _Cove_ or _Cuffin_ is in general terms a Man;
but by adding _bien_, which signifies good or well, or _Quire_, which is
wicked or Knavish; you make the word _Cove_ signifie an _Honest man_, or
a _Justice of Peace_. Pardon the expression, for they call a Justice
_Quier Cuffin_; that is to say, as before mentioned, a wicked, knavish,
or foolish man. To conclude, I shall here insert this little Canting
Vocabulary Alphabetically,
_Avtem Mort_ │ A married Woman
_Abram_ │ Naked
_Abram Cove_ │ A Tatter demallion
_Autem_ │ A Church
_Bughar_ │ A Cur
_Bouse_ │ Drink
_Bousing Ken_ │ An Ale-house
_Borde_ │ A Shilling
_Boung_ │ A Purse
_Bien_ │ Good or well
_Benshiply_ │ Very well
_Benar_ │ Better
_Bing_ │ To go
_Bing a waste_ │ To go away
_Bube_ │ The Pox
_Bufe_ │ A Dog
_Bleating cheat_ │ A Sheep
_Belly cheat_ │ An Apron
_Betty_ │ An Instrument to break a door
_Bite the Peter or Roger_ │ Steal the Portmantle or Cloak-bag.
_Budge_ │ One that steals Cloaks
_Bulk and File_ │ The Pick-pocket and his mate
_Cokir_ │ A Lyar
_Cove_ ⎫│
⎬│ A Man
_Cuffin_ ⎭│
_Cuffin-Quire_ │ A Justice of Peace
_Cramprings_ │ Bolt or Shackles
_Chats_ │ The Gallows
_Canke_ │ Dumb
_Crackmans_ │ Hedges
_Calle_ ⎫│
_Togeman_ ⎬│ A Cloak
_Joseph_ ⎭│
_Couch_ │ To lye or sleep
_Couch a Hogshead_ │ To go to sleep
_Commission_ ⎫│
⎬│ A Shirt
_Mish_ ⎭│
_Cackling cheat_ │ A Chicken
_Cassan_ │ Cheese
_Crash_ │ To kill
_Crashing cheats_ │ Teeth
_Cloy_ │ To steal
_Cut_ │ To speak
_Cut bien whids_ │ To speak well
_Cut quire whids_ │ To speak evilly
_Confeck_ │ Counterfeit
_Cannakin_ │ The Plague
_Cly the Jerk_ │ To be whipt
_Clapperdogeon_ │ A Beggar born
_Culle_ │ A Sap-headed Fellow
_Dimber_ │ Pretty
_Damber_ │ Rascal
_Drawers_ │ Stockings
_Duds_ │ Goods
_Deusea-vile_ │ The Country
_Dommerar_ │ A Mad-man
_Darkmans_ │ Night or evening
_Doxie_ ⎫│
⎬│ A Wench
_Dell_ ⎭│
_Dock_ ⎫│
⎬│ To ——
_Wap_ ⎭│
_Deuswins_ │ Two pence
_Dup_ │ To enter.
_Earnest_ │ A part
_As tip me my Earnest_ │ Give me my part or share
_Frummagem_ │ Choakt
_Filch_ │ A Staff
_Ferme_ │ A Hole
_Fambles_ │ Hands
_Famble chears_ │ Rings or Gloves
_Fib_ │ To beat
_Flag_ │ A Groat
_Fogus_ │ Tobacco or Smoke
_Fencing Cully_ │ One that receives stollen goods
_Glymmer_ │ Fire
_Glaziers_ │ Eyes
_Grannam_ │ Corn
_Gentry-Mort_ │ A Gallant Wench
_Gan_ │ A Lip
_Gage_ │ A Pot or Pipe
_Grunting cheat_ │ A Sucking Pig
_Giger_ │ A Door
_Gybe_ │ Any Writing or Pass
_Glazyer_ │ One that goes in at the windows
_Gilt_ │ A Pick-lock
_Harmanbeck_ │ A Constable
_Harmans_ │ The Stocks
_Heave a Booth_ │ To rob an House
_Half bord_ │ Six pence
_Hearts ease_ │ A twenty shillings piece
_Jocky_ │ A Flayl, or mans Privities
_Jague_ │ A Ditch
_Jarke_ │ A Seal
_Ken_ │ An House
_Kinchin_ │ Little
_Knapper of Knappers_ │ A Sheep-stealer
_Kinchin Cove_ │ A little man
_Kate_ │ A Pick-lock
_Loure_ │ Money
_Lightmans_ │ Morning or Day
_Lib_ │ To tumble
_Libben_ │ An house to lie in
_Lage_ │ Water
_Libedge_ │ A Bed
_Lullabie-cheat_ │ A Childe
_Lap_ │ Pottage
_Lurries_ │ All manner of Cloaths
_Maunder_ │ To Beg
_Maunders_ │ Beggers
_Margery Prater_ │ An Hen
_Mill_ │ To steal
_Make_ │ An half-penny
_Mynt_ │ Gold
_Muffling cheat_ │ A Napkin
_Mumpers_ │ Gentile Beggars
_Milken_ │ One that Breaks houses
_Munns_ │ The Face
_Nab_ │ An head
_Nab-cheat_ │ An Hat
│⎧ To take
_Nab_ │⎨
│⎩ Or cheat
_Palliard_ │ One whose Father is a Beggar born
_Paplar_ │ Milk-Pottage
_Prats_ │ Thighs
_Prigg_ │ To Ride
_Peckidge_ │ Meat
_Pannam_ │ Bread
_Plant_ │ To lay or hide
_Prigging_ │ Riding
_Prancer_ │ An Horse
_Prating cheat_ │ A Tongue
_Peake_ │ Any Lace
_Pike on the Leen_ │ Run as fast as you can
_Perry_ │ Fearful
_Peter_ │ A Portmantua
_Prigger of Prancers_ │ An Horse-stealer
_Pad_ │ The Highway-man
_Plant your whids_ │ Have a care what you say
_Quarron_ │ A Body
_Quacking cheat_ │ A Duck
_Quier_ │ Wicked or Roguish
_Quier-Ken_ │ A Prison
_Quier-Mort_ │ A Pocky Jade
_Quier-Cove_ │ A Rogue
_Romboyle_ │ A Ward or watch
_Rome_ │ Gallant
_Rome-vile_ │ London
_Rome-Mort_ │ A Gallant Girl
_Ruffin_ │ The Devil
_Roger_ │ A Cloak-bagg
_Ridge-cully_ │ A Goldsmith
_Ruffler_ │ An over-grown Rogue
_Ruffe peck_ │ Bacon
_Rod-shanke_ │ A Mallard
_Rom-pad_ │ The High-way
_Rome-padders_ │ High-way-men
_Rome-Culle_ │ A Rich Coxcomb
_Swagg_ │ A Shop
_Sundge_ │ One that lies under the bed
│ to rob the house
_Shop-lift_ │ One that steals out of shops
_Stampers_ │ The shooes
_Stock-drawers_ │ Stockings
_Stamps_ │ Legs
_Scoure_ │ To wear
_Skew_ │ A Dish
_Slate_ │ A Sheet
_Strommel_ │ Straw or Hair
_Skepper_ │ A Barn
_Stow your whids_ │ Be wary
│⎧ A Brokers House, or an
_Stalling-Ken_ │⎨ House to receive stollen
│⎩ goods
_Smelling cheat_ │ A Garden
_Solomon_ │ The Mass
_Tour_ │ To look out
_Tout his muns_ │ Look in his face
_Track up the Dancers_ │ Go up the Stayres
_The Cul Snylches_ │ The Man eyes you
_Tip the Cole to Adam Tyler_ │ Give what money you pocket-pickt to
│ the next party, presently
_Tip the Mish_ │ Give the Shirt
_Tib o’ th’ Buttery_ │ A Goose
_Tip_ │ To give
_The Mort tipt me a wink_ │ The Whore gave me a wink
_Trine_ │ Tyburn
_Trining_ │ Hanging
_Tick-Rome_ │ A License
_Tres wins_ │ Three pence
_Win_ │ A Penny
_Wicher Cully_ │ A Silver-smith
_Yarum_ │ Milk
This much for a taste: I think it not worth my pains to insert all those
Canting words which are used; it is enough that I have here divulged
what words are most in use. Having now deserted this _Tawny_ Crew; I
resolved to betake my self to a new Trade; which you shall understand in
this following Discourse.
CHAP. VI.
_How he went a Begging. What Rules he observ’d therein. What
Villanies he committed whilst he profest that mysterious
Art._
Necessity is a thing better known by the effects, than its character;
and of all things the most insufferable: to prevent which, it puts a man
on to venture upon all manner of dishonest and dangerous actions,
suggesting strange imaginations, and desperate resolutions, solliciting
things infamous, and attempting things impossible; the product of which
is only disorder, confusion, shame, and in the end ruine. But when
Necessity shall conjoyn with an evil disposition, a deprav’d nature,
what horrid and nefarious facts will it not instigate that man to
perpetrate? And though he seeth monthly examples of persons condemned
and executed for the like crimes he daily practiseth, will not forbear
nor desist from such irregular and life-destroying courses, till they
have brought him to the like miserable Catastrophe. Necessity had now
deeply faln in love with me; and the young Virgin Shame-fac’dness (once
my Mistress) had forsaken me: for as soon as I had pull’d but one thread
out of her garment, all the rest unravell’d; and she not brooking her
nakedness, changed her master, and so totally left me. Having now
obtained more than a convenient boldness I travell’d, and begg’d with
very good success. But me thought my life was somewhat uncomfortable
without a Companion, (all Creatures coveting society, but more
especially Man:) at length, according to my desires, I met with one,
whose long practice in this Art, besides the Observations of his
Predecessors, deriving his pedegree in a direct line from _Prince
Prigg_, indu’d him with so much skill as to furnish me with the
knowledge of anything that belonged to the liberal Art of Begging. We
straight betook our selves to the _Boozing Ken_; and having _bubb’d
rumly_, we concluded an everlasting friendship. Than did he recount to
me the most material things observable in our Profession. First, he
tun’d my voice to that pitch which might most of all raise compassion;
next what form of prayer I was to use upon such an occasion, what upon
such, varying according to the humour of those persons that I begged of,
gathered from their habit or gesture; then he told me when we came to
_London_, he would acquaint me what places were most fit for our
purpose, and what times. That I ought not to be too importunate to some,
always wishing well, and loudly praying for the health and safety of
Estate and Limbs of such as deny’d me Alms; but more especially
pronounce a _God bless you Master, and let Heaven reward what you have
here done on earth_, if any thing is bestowed upon me. If any should
pity my nakedness, and cloath me in garments without holes in them, I
should wear them no longer than in the Donors sight, reserving my rags
to re-invest my self, and sell the other, as unfit and scandalous to our
Occupation. That we should never beg far from one another, and at nights
faithfully share the gains. Moreover, he inform’d me the way to make all
sorts of seeming sores and lameness. That within the tatter’d rags,
there be places provided for private conveyance. Some of maturer age, if
they have no children, rent them of such as have; but we had no occasion
for this fallacy. That if I saw a door open, I should go in boldly; if I
met any in the way, I should then in a very submissive manner implore
their help in the assistance of my wants, never desiring any thing but
what was of small value, one half-penny, farthing, or some broken crust,
(if at a door) pretending the not eating of a bit in two days. If the
passage was clear, whip away what was nearest to hand. That the time of
rising in the morning be very early, shewing my self in the streets: for
then will those that pass by, judge I have no other lodging but what a
stall affords, that way procuring relief from pitiful-minded persons,
and so continue begging till the evening; when it beginneth to be
duskish, if any then walks singly, accost him in a begging form; coming
up so close, as that you may knock him down with a Truncheon, still
carried about for that purpose; which is done securely, and many times
with a good booty.
Being full fraught with these, and many more precepts he delivered, we
set forth on our progress. We had not gone far, before we were surprized
by the Constable, as two sturdy Vagrants, and as _hand-sail_ to my new
Trade, we were both soundly whipt out of Town. To avoid this danger for
the time to come, we mist all the towns of any considerable note in our
way, and only frequented Villages; nay at last we were forc’d not only
to avoid them but the High-ways too: for Travellers observing our garb,
countenances, and weapon, which was a Battoon, suspecting us, would
before they came near us, set spurs to their horses and ride as if the
Devil drove them. Many petty rogueries we performed by the way, not
worthy the commemoration, and therefore I shall pass them over; only
this I shall insert.
Travelling the Field-way, we stumbled on a _Tinker_ and his _Trull_
lying by an Hedge-side, I knew not what to thinke at first they lay so
still, with much pulling and stirring then they awakened; I askt them
what they lay there for? They answered me, That they were lately bitten
by a Serpent near adjacent, a potent creature, mighty in strength, and
of a vast proportion, who had lately stung several as well as they. It
seem’d very strange to us, especially having heard not the least report
hereof. To be short, I desir’d them to shew us the place of his
residence, which they readily consented to. In stead of this Venomous
Animal, they only brought us to its representation in a sign, where a
Cup of double-brew’d Beer was sold, notable huming geer. The people
lik’d the Tinker and his Female Comrade well enough, but would not admit
of us, till we shew’d them money: For our Vestments look’d like the
Gleanings of a Rag-merchants Yard. We drank stifly till we laid the
Woman asleep again: still the Tinker bore up stifly, she had not slept
long, but up she started, pull’d up her coats, and in our presence
piss’d in the middle of the room and so sate her self down, yet awaked
not: which action could not but produce much laughter from me and my
Comrade. At last the Tinker fell asleep too, having added so much to his
former burden that he was no longer able to stand under it. Now had my
wits enough to work on: but finding my self very drowsie, for the
strength of the drink had almost over-powred me, insomuch that I was
forc’d to advise with my friend what course I were best take to make me
a little more sober: he was so well known in such matters, (being an old
experienced Pitcher-man) that he quickly counselled me what to do, he
himself being not in the least disturb’d. This was his advice which he
did put in practice, he got a Pail full of water, and so taking me up by
the heels, he clapt my head thereinto; holding me in that manner so
long, that the _Pail_ had like to have prov’d the _Ferry-boat_ that
should waft me over the _Stygian Lake_; this so qualified the heat my
head had contracted by my excessive drinking of that strong stupifying
liquor, that I found it had wrought its desired effects.
After this, we ransackt their pockets, but found little in the mans; but
searching the woman in a private place between her Pocket and Placket,
we discovered something considerable, which we took. Having so done, we
thought it high time to be gone, but first we resolved to make some
sport as well as take their moneys, which was thus: I tied to each of
their Girdles, behind, a Flaggon-pot, and to each a Label affixt, or a
paper of Verses, and so immediately tript off. The Host seeing us go out
of doors with more than ordinary speed, ran into the room where the
_Tinker_ and his _Lady_ were: he suddenly awaked them, telling them we
were gone. Hearing this, they hastily started up, and reeling ran to
overtake us: the Master of the house seeing his Pots dangling at their
breech, ran after the _Tinker_, crying, _Stop’em, stop’em, Stop the
thievish Tinker, stop the Whore with my Pot_. We were wiser than to stay
to hear how the _Tinker_ and his _Trull_ came off, or to hear the
laughter that we undoubtedly raised by this waggish contrivance, but
directed our course for _London_ directly; where we arrived soon enough,
nay too soon for some. This Out-cry soon alarm’d the ears of his
Neighbours, who with the Host seizing on them, and carrying them back,
gave us an opportunity for our escape. The Lines that were about the
_Tinkers_ Pot, were these, to my best remembrance.
_Serpents but sting, or only bite so deep,
To numb the sense, so lay men fast asleep.
Wit acts far greater things. I’ll say no more:
Pay first for sleeping, then the Pots restore._
Those that were fastened to the Womans Pot, were these:
_’Twas not the Serpent, but strong Beer that stung:
The _vent_ being _stopt_, the Drink wrought through the _Bung_._
I had like to have forgot to give you an account of a merry passage that
hapned upon the road we travelled on; beating the hoof we overtook a
Cart, but in the name of _Rabbi Abraham_, what think you was in it? In
troth even a Squadron of the _Tatterdemallion Regiment_; Some
pretendedly blind, others their leggs tied up in a string. A third sort
having a dead Palsy over all one side. A fourth so lame as if he never
had been strung with sinews. We fell into discourse, asking them whither
they were bound thus carted? They answered us: every one for his own
Country, we have been already jib’d (said one) that is jerkt at the
Whipping-post, and now enjoy the benefit of a Pass. The Surly Rogue the
Carter observing our familiar talk made a stand, speaking to us after
this manner. Why how now Gentlemen, how dropt you out of the Carts Arse?
what, you go on foot and your Brethren ride? It shall not be; ease your
legs, come I’le lend you an hand. I was about to reply when a fellow
came along who knew this Carter, and askt him what he would do, or
whither he was going with them Criples. Introth said he, to tell you the
truth, I am going to _Kilum_ (a Town it seems on the borders of
_Oxford_-Shire.) Hearing this, I knew not what to think on’t but
consulted with the aspect of the carted crew. Their faces discovered
nothing but sence of danger, so that now I perceiv’d their thoughts were
solely imployed about their escape, which they did soon put in
execution. For forthwith the strings were cut that tied up their legs,
who silently slid out of the cart one after another for fear of
discovery, the blind could see their way down too, the Paralitick could
run as swift as a Stag; The fellow drove on still, not missing his
Company presently, at last looking about he saw one running this way,
another that way, a third contrary to either, a fourth was hiding
himself in a bush, thus they were all disperst: D’ee here, d’ee here,
cry’d the Carter, restore the leggs and eyes you borrowed, and then run
to the Devil if you can. I heard one of them distinctly answer him, I’le
see you hang’d first, you murdering Rogue e’re I will come near you;
dont you remember that you said even now that you were going to Killum.
Could you but imagine the various postures their causless fear put them
in you would be a great Sharer with me in laughter, I could not retain
my self from; this story put me in mind of the like mistake, whose
effects proved more fatall in the time of the intestine wars in
_Ireland_: a Trooper met with a Sculogue or Country-fellow, and
demanding of him whence he came, he answered from _Killwanium_: whither
art a going? to _Killmore_ sayd he: (these are two Towns) with that the
Soldier sware he should not kill more, and so pistol’d him.
[Illustration]
CHAP. VII.
_Coming to _London_, he enters himself into the society of
Beggars, distinguished by these Titles, _Ben seakers_,
_Dommerars_, _Clapperdogeons_, &c., with a short
description of their Manners and Customes; as also a
relation of a piece of Theft he committed._
Coming up to _London_, we straight way betook our selves to
_Newington-Butts_, but by the way, my Friend could not forbear calling
on his Friends in _Kent-street_, there they gave me a Nick-name; and my
Comrade immediately fell to work, to put himself into an equipage fit
for the employment we had undertaken. He needed not to alter his habit;
but his chief aim was to make counterfeit Sores or Clymes, according to
the term of Art that is given them. With the assistance of some of the
Fraternity, he had in an hours time, such a Leg, that I could hardly
look upon it without even dropping down; and thus they made it; They
took unslaked Lime and Sope, mingled with the rust of old Iron: these
being well temper’d together, they did spred it thick on two pieces of
leather, which they apply’d to his Leg, binding it thereunto very hard,
which in a short time did fret off the skin, the flesh appearing all
raw; then did they take blood and rub’d it all over his Leg; which being
fully dried, made the Leg appear all black, the Sore they did only let
peep out of the holes of five or six matterish clouts. He soon got us a
Doxie too, with a couple of children, (the fitter for our purpose) the
one to carry in her arms, and the other to lead. Providing himself and
me with a good lusty _Filch_ or _Stick_, with a hole at the end thereof,
to put in a hook if occasion should serve, to filch any thing off
Hedges, _&c._ Away we went into _Moor-fields_: he would have made me a
_Clyme_ too, or an Artificial sore; but my stomack would no wayes accept
of his kindness. Coming into the Fields, he planted me in a convenient
place, the _Doxie_ with her _Lullaby-cheats_ in another; and himself in
a third, not far distant from one another, that one might catch the
others _Maunding_ at the rebound. I observ’d my _Friend_ and _Rogue_
diligently, what he did, for my own information. One would have sworn he
had been absolutely lame, for (about to lie down) he slid to the earth
by his Staff; being on the ground, the first thing I took notice of; was
the pitious distorting of his face into various forms, to stir up
compassion in such as passed by him; to which he added, a most doleful
noise to this effect; _For Gods sake some tender hearted Christians,
cast through your merciful eyes one pittiful look upon a sore, lame, and
miserable wretch: Bestow one penny or half-penny upon him that is ready
to perish_, &c. I knew not how to tune my voice, for hearkening to him;
which he observing (when all the people were passed by) he held up his
stick at me, a strong argument of his great displeasure, which lest I
might farther incur, I was forced to tone it out to some purpose. Night
approaching, we left off begging, resolving to recreate our selves with
what we had got: in the way home, I saw a very fine piece of Beef lying
on a Butchers-stall, the woman that kept the shop, was telling a Gossips
tale to her neighbour so intentively, as I thought I might seize on my
prey, and she never the wiser; with that I boldly snatched it up; which
an opposite neighbour perceiving, ran after me, and soon took me. I was
brought back before the woman, who was so wise (forsooth) that she would
not receive stollen goods, though they were her own; and so inraged she
was, that nothing would serve her turn, but I must go before a Justice;
and to add to my punishment, she made me carry the stollen Beef openly.
Coming before his Worship, my accusation was read, aggravated by many
feigned circumstances. The pitiful and sad calls of my eyes, were all
the Rhetorick I used in my own vindication; which the merciful Justice
perceiving, they were so prevalent, as to gain some favour from him;
whereupon he ask’d the woman what she valued her Beef at? _Why_ (said
she) _I would not have abated a penny of five shillings. Take heed what
you say, good woman_, (said he) _for should you swear this, it is enough
to hang him. O Lord, Sir_, (said she) _I would not hang him for a
world_; then said his Worship, _You must prize it under thirteen pence
half-penny_; whereupon the Butchers Wife was content to value it at
eight pence. The price being set, the Beef was conveyed into the
Justices Kitchin, and the woman put to her Oath; having sworn, my
_Mittimus_ was made, and therewith sent to Prison. The woman now thought
she should have her Beef surely, and without any danger in the
reception, and therefore demanded it; but the Justice told her he would
buy it of her, and so asked her what she would have for it: _Sir_, (said
she) five shillings; I cannot afford it one farthing under. How, how!
(said he) did you not swear but even now, it was worth but eight pence,
and do you now talk of five shillings? A mear Cheat, Extortioner, &c.
Make her _Mittimus_, (speaking to his Clerk) which so terrified the
Woman, that she cried out most pitteously; good your Worship, do not
send me to Prison, and do with me what you please. The Justice at this
lookt stedfastly upon her (who was not so old but that he could discern
a handsome woman when he faw her) and indeed generally your Butchers
have jolly handsome Wives; otherwise they may be ashamed to serve seven
years in handling and choosing good flesh for others, and at last know
not how to make choice of a fine young plump juicie bit for themselves.
I say, the Justice looking upon her, smiled, yet seemed to reprove her
sharply, and at last pretended he had something to tell her he would not
have every one hear, carried her into a withdrawing Room, where they
staid not long but out she came and declared openly that she would never
desire more justice done her, than that good and just Justice (as she
called him) had shown her. And as I understood afterwards, he did her so
much right, that she sent him in an half dozen of Bottles of Canary, and
supt with him on her own flesh; I in the mean time wished them both
choaked in the eating thereof; for never did _Roman Catholick_ endure
greater and severer _pennance_ for eating flesh on _Good-friday_; then I
for coveting this; I have lov’d a Capon the better for it ever since.
For I was no sooner gotten out into the street, but I had a hundred
people about me, crying which is the young Rogue; this, this is he said
the Butcher, pretending to lay his hand upon my shoulder, but gave me a
terrible nip by the ear, which made me roar out so loud and so suddenly
unexpected, that my Gentleman Usher that was leading me by the arm to
the _White Lyon_, starting, let go his hold. There was no dallying with
so fair an opportunity, fear and love of sweet liberty so wing’d my
feet, that running instantly hereupon, I was gotten presently a great
way before them. The Harmanbeck, Huntsman or Constable seeing this,
unable to run himself by reason of that great load of flesh he
constantly carried about him, set a pack of young yelping Curs to track
the scent, but they were soon all at a loss: and so I escapt their
clutches.
[Illustration]
CHAP. VIII.
_Whilst a Beggar what cunning tricks he invented to steal
undiscovered, and how at last served, being caught _ipso
facto_._
The next day I went into _Lincolns-Inn-fields_, where I saw a company of
Rogues, cheats, Pick-pockets, &c., playing at Pidgeon holes (a game much
practised there, and in More-fields, by such mischievious and lazie
Rascals) growing very hungry, I singled out two or three of the fittest
for my purpose in assisting or contriving Roguery; a little rising
grass-plat was our counsil-table, where we consulted what stratagems
would best take and were least known. Come Gentlemen said I (for the
Liberal Science or antient profession they studied was enough to
gentelize them) what money have yee, _sine Cerere & Baccho friget
ingenium_, we must have good liquor that shall warm our bloods, enliven
and unthaw our congealed spirits and make our inventions and fancies as
nimble as lightning. Faith said one, I have but three pence; yet that
you may see how well quallified I am for your company, I’le have money
for you presently. He was not gone much above an half hour but merrily
he came to us; sitting down he desired me to put my hand down his neck
between his wascoat and shirt, which accordingly I did, but admired to
groap out three rashers of Bacon, which I produced to the Company. Very
importunate I was with him, to know what it meant, and how they came
there. Give me attention (said he) and I will unravel this riddle thus.
Walking along the streets leisurely, strictly eying any thing on which I
might seize securely and advantageously: at length I saw a good pittiful
old Woman (for so she seem’d to me by her countenance) selling Bacon,
who I observ’d did put what money she took into a pocket made in her
Apron. Upon this sight Fancy me thought suggested to me that her money
was as already as surely mine as if I had already confin’d it close
Prisoner in my leathern dungeon. And thus I wrought my design. Good
Woman said I, (speaking in a whining tone,) how do you sell your Bacon a
pound? Seven pence (said she,) whereupon I began a lamentable oration,
telling her that I would willingly have half a pound but that I had but
three pence; that my Master was a very cruel man, half starving his
servants; come give me your money sirrah, she said, for once you shall
have it so; weighing it, I desired her to cut it into slices and thrust
it down my back; She asked my reason for it, I told her that my Master
usually searcht me, and should he find any such thing in my pockets, he
would half murther me. Alas poor boy (quoth the good old Woman) lean
down thy head towards me, surely I will do thee that small kindness:
whilst she was larding my back, I got my hands underneath her Apron, and
with this short knife nipt of the bottom of her pocket, and thus have I
done my part to procure yee both food and money. As I lookt on this as
base ingratitude, so I could not but tacitely within myself, both
condemn and abhorr such society, remembring the words of _Juvenal_.
_Ingratos ante omnia pone sodales._
Of all persons we should shun most the ingrateful. Neither could I
forbear (though I was joyful of the purchase) to read him a publick
lecture on his ingratitude; what (said I) shall we find gratitude in
Beasts (as in the Lyon that was healed by _Andronicus_ in the wood,
which afterwards saved his life in the Theater) and yet shall we be
unthankful! I have read a story of an _Asp_ that was kept and nourished
by an Husbandman at his own table, feeding him there dayly; at last she
brought forth two young ones, one whereof poisoned the Husbandmans son,
the old one (as my Author tells me) in the sight of the Father killed
the offender and as if ashamed of his ingratitude departed the house
with the other and was not seen after. I would have proceeded, but that
they told me if I did, they would have no men of morals in their
company, and so away we went to Beggars Hall, hard by, where we called
lustily. Fearing we should spend all the money, I desired the company
that some small portion might be left in my hands as a stock to trade
on, which they consented to.
Having feasted our selves well, before we departed, the next days
meeting was appointed, when and where. Against the time I had made a
quantity of Serpents, Crackers, &c., and brought them with me. When
first I show’d them, they all fell out a laughing to think I could
improve our stock by such devices. Have but the patience to hear me
(said I) and then condemn me if you see cause; Ever since I parted from
you I have been racking my invention to find out some way whereby I
might render my self both deserving of, and acceptable to your company,
and I think this my first discovery will do it; I would have you _Jack_,
_Tom_ and _Will_, take an equal quantity of Crackers and Serpents, and
anon at night let us go into the Market, where each of you shall observe
each of us: where ever we make a stand be sure you throw a Serpent,
_&c._ at that very place; and then will we take the opportunity of the
peoples confusion and fright, and so march off with what we can lay
hands on. This plot was very well liked of by all. The evening
approaching (it being near _November_) we went to put what I had
contrived to execution. The first that was thrown was where I stood,
which fell into the Basket on which a Market Woman sate, the Woman
starting up to extinguish it, suddenly it bounced in her face, the smoak
whereof and powder, for a little time so blinded her, that she could not
see me walk off with a shoulder of Mutton, my comrades had the like
success with a Pig and a Goose. Having done enough as we thought for
that time, we went to a place of our acquaintance, where we had the
Mutton, Pig, and Goose roasted, giving the Landlord the Pig for
dressing, bread, and drink. We were so successful for the first, that we
made several tryals afterwards not ineffectual. But in fine, I found the
Proverb verified, _The pitcher goes not so often to the well, but that
it comes home crackt at last_. One time I went, and having ordered them
to do as they had done before, a Serpent came flying on the Womans stall
where I stood and fell into her lap, which being brusht off, fell
underneath her coats, and there burst, in the mean while I had gotten a
loyn of Veal and was trooping off with it, the Woman missing it
suspected me by my great haste, followed me and laying hands on me found
her meat under my coat. O have I caught you Mr. Theif. Mistake not good
Woman (said I) it is no such matter. For as I stood by your stall, the
wildfire which some unhappy Knaves threw, so scared me, that having your
meat in my hand at that time cheapning it, I was so frighted that I ran
away with your Veal to shun the danger, forgetting to lay it down,
wherefore pray take it again. Taking her meat, here is a pure excuse
indeed (said she) but this shall not serve your turn, and with that,
gave me two or three such blows on my chops, that I verily thought she
had made me swallow half my teeth. Another that had heard our discourse
takes me to task after this: Come sirrah, you love the flesh well, but
’tis fit you should pay for it. And it is but just if you will have my
flesh, I should have some of yours. Up straight he snatcht his Knife,
and holding me by the ear I verily thought he would have markt me as he
used to do his calves. My crying and praying so far prevailed, that he
only kickt me to his next Neighbour and so from one to another, so that
though it cannot be said I ran the Gantlet, yet between the Pannyers on
both sides, I was kickt the Gantlet from the Standard in _Cheapside_ to
the conduit at the lower end thereof. This unhappy adventure made me
betake my self to my old course of begging, resolving as yet not to deal
in that trade I had litle experience in.
[Illustration]
CHAP. IX.
_A Merchant seeing him begging, took a fancy to him,
conducts him to his House, and entertains him as his
Servant._
One day as I was begging, more fervently then formerly, having gotten
not one penny that day, so that I found a civil war between my Guts and
Stomack, yet knew not how to salve up the difference; neither would they
hearken to any thing but a Bill of Fare. In the midst of this
combustion, a Tradesman of no mean quality, passing by, took a strong
fancy to me, being extraordinarily pleased with the form of my face and
body. He asked me, Whence I came? what my Parents were? and what I
intended? I answered him with well contriv’d forgeries, that seemed to
give him good satisfaction: liking well both my speech and
understanding, he bid me follow him, which accordingly I did; having
conducted me to his house, he presented me to his Wife, my intended
Mistris, telling her his resolutions of receiving me into his service;
at which she blest her self, saying, _Prithee, Sweet-heart, from what
Dunghil didst thou pick up this _Shakerag_, this Squire of the body?
This thing drest up in sippits? This Scarecrow, what shall I call him?_
(for I am sure I had but few cloathes on, but what were rather fit to
dung ground, then to be sent to the Paper-mill.) Said my Master, _Rest
yourself satisfied, since it is my pleasure, this shall be so: neither
can I give you any reason for my fancy_. Whereupon he commanded me to be
stript, and well washed; in the mean time cloaths were provided for me,
a suit of one of his Apprentices. A great Vessel like _Cornelius_ his
Tub, was filled with water to bath me, but so cunningly set by the
Maids, (though privately) that they might see me all over naked. It was
my good fortune to observe my Mistress standing in a private place on
purpose to see me dismantled; and after I was washed, she commended the
whiteness of my skin and well-proportioned limbs; and by the consequent,
approv’d within her self of something else, for I was then a stubbed
Lad. Being new clothed, and raised to this unexpected fortune, how
strangely did this vain blast puff up my empty pate! However, I was
resolved to carry my self discreetly, lest I should overthrow the state
I was then in, not yet well settled. Wherefore I behaved myself very
respectfully towards my Master, and served him as punctually as I could,
endeavouring that my service should requite his kindness in as great
measure as my abilities could perform.
My endeavour was not only to please my Master, but my Mistress too, even
in the meanest services; so officious to her, that I was ready to
perform the office of a Chamber-maid. The maid-servants I obliged also,
by doing their duty, as making the fires, washing the Kitching, nimbly
and willingly doing any thing they would have me; by which I so
ingratiated my self among them, that I always had their good estimation
among themselves, and good word to my Master and Mistress when occasion
served. Very careful I was, not to report what I heard, lest I by that
means, involv’d my self in the affairs of others, without advantage to
my self. For by meddling in others matters, I should breed animosity
among them, and reap just hatred to my self, when discovered to be the
too too busie intelligencer. This I looked on as an undeniable maxime,
That nothing more recommends a man, then a silent tongue, (unless
necessity required the contrary) a fair complacential carriage, and a
faithful heart. My Master in a humour would sometimes find fault with
me, but then it was my chiefest care not to reply, knowing, that what
should be alleadged as to my just vindication, would but aggravate his
spirits being passionate, alwayes punctually performing what was
commanded me. To try my fidelity, he would lay a sixpence on the
Counter, or in the Window, as if it had been left there forgotten. I was
wiser then to be caught so, and therefore would instantly carry him the
money. One time sending me out to buy something, instead of a shilling
he gave me among other money a piece of Gold; I took no notice of it
then, but being gone a little way, I came running back out of breath to
restore him the piece; this and the like made my Master stand amazed at
my seeming honesty. A strange alteration, you will say; but all this was
only to get a good esteem, whereby I might gain fast footing. What
though I underwent a great deal of pains, and had my patience tried to
the height? Yet I gain’d much in the end, had God given me grace rightly
to use it, and the baseness of my nature not perswaded me to abuse it.
So much credit I had gotten with my Master, by my civil behaviour, that
he raised me _gradatim_, step by step. Being ignorant of Arithmetick; he
caused a Master to come to his house to instruct me, which I soon
apprehended, and by that means was capacitated to keep his accompts,
which was the thing I aim’d at, intending thereby the prosecution of
mine own ends, notwithstanding my pretended fidelity, and his real
kindness to me undeserv’d: which puts me in mind of the conclusion of an
Epitaph I have read on a Tomb, which the Master erected for the
perpetual commemoration of his servants cordial respect and honesty.
_View oft his Tomb-stone, since we seldome find,
A servant faithful, and his Master kind._
Now to the intent I might compleat my conquest of his heart, I pretended
my self an _Independent_, not omitting any opportunity of going to their
meetings; and upon all occasions would rail against Steeple-houses (as
we called them) and tear the Bishops holland sleaves to pieces, calling
them the impure rags of the Babylonish Whores Smock, &c. I would pray
mornings and evenings so loud, so late, and so early, that my neighbours
could hardly sleep for me, much less those of our own Family.
Notwithstanding all this piety, not a day past wherein I cheated not my
Master. Thus did I delude his eyes with pretended sanctity, yet
concluded with the Poet,
_Da mihi fallere, da justum Sanctumque videri,
Noctem peccatis & fraudibus objice nubem._
_Let me seem just; to cheat the better shrow’d,
Let my deceits be hidden in a Cloud._
How much did I silly fool deceive my self, thinking my self secure,
because no mortal eye saw me. Be not thus cheated as I was, for assure
your self there is no darkness so thick and obscure, which the
All-over-seeing and Eternal piercing eye cannot penetrate——
_Cernit Deus omnia vindex._
A passage remarkable in _Erasmus_ I read to this purpose concerning a
young Gentleman, whom a wanton Lady tempted, who used this expression as
his last and best Refuge. _Art not thou ashamed to do that in the sight
of thy Maker, and the Holy Angels, which thou art ashamed to do in the
sight of men._ We are afraid of disgrace with men, not caring for the
Grace of God.
[Illustration]
CHAP. X.
_How he came acquainted with lewd and vicious Apprentices.
What Trade they drove together. What places and times of
meeting._
I was as officious at home, as reserved from all company, never stirring
forth unless called out by my Masters business, till my next Neighbours
man intruded himself into my acquaintance. Who so farr insinuated
himself into my affections, that I was in a manner wholly ruled by him.
He and I met on a time abroad, and would not be deny’d but he must needs
fasten a glass of Wine, conducting me to a Tavern where the Drawer (as
he said) was his friend. After several Congratulations past, order was
given for a pint of Canary: being gone to draw it, this young man began
to tell me what an honest fellow this _Ralph_ the Drawer was; which
words he had no sooner utter’d, but I heard him cry at the Bar, _A Pint
of White-wine in the Rose score_; and immediately in he brings it, and
in formality a glass, but we made no use of it, for he was fearful his
Master would discover the cheat, and therefore desired us to be speedy
in the dispatch, and so we made but two draughts thereof. Away he goes
again, and brings in another, not after the same manner, but crying it
_Right_, bringing withal a Quart-Bottle in his Codpiece: _Now,
Gentleman_, (said he) _using your discretion, you may sit and talk
freely, without either fear or suspition_, using your glass and when
your pint is empty fill him again you shall not want for liquor Ladds.
This something amazed me at first, till my Neighbour _Thomas_ told me
that this was frequent, and that he and two or three friends at any time
could be drunk for six pence a piece. _Come, come, you are but a
Novice_, said he; _but if you will be ruled by me, I’ll shew you the way
to soften the cord of bondage, to make the long time of a seven years
Apprenticeship seem short, by living as merry, nay more jovially than
our Masters. They may be destracted with cares how to procure
necessaries, pay Rent, satisfie Creditors, whilst we have none of these
pressures and disturbances on our spirits. What though we have an harsh
word or a smart blow, it may be, a broken pate? We will make his Till
spring a leak for it, or his Goods go to Pot, and break him at last too.
It may be his Provision is neither dainty nor plentiful, nay,
restrained, from our liberty too: ’tis only by day then, we will be
Masters of our own at night, not wanting any thing that may conduce to
mirth, or the delegation of our insatiate senses._
I asked him how could this be done? He answered, _If I would swear to be
secret and faithful, and become a Brother of the society, he would not
only tell me how all this_ (afore recited) _might be performed, but
would likewise introduce me into the place where these jolly Blades used
to congregate_. I soon consented, rejoycing exceedingly at this blessed
opportunity, (as I thought it) wherein I might sail in the Ocean of
delight, bound for no other Port but that of Pleasure or Profit, never
considering the inevitable Quicksands which such meet withal, steering
that course, having no other Compass to sail by then their own Fancy.
Very eager I was to have him inform my judgment with what at present I
understood not, but doubted not in a little time to be as forward as the
foremost in any moral wickedness. First, he informed me, that I must
insinuate myself into the Maids favour, so that, when the occasion
should require, she may let you have the Key of the Street-door, or else
sit up for your return, making her sensible that she doth not so break
her sleep for nothing. That I must never fail coming home to gratifie
her kindness. If she be modest and continent, only kiss her, and that my
behaviour should not be either rude or lascivious, that all my
expressions should savour of _Platonique_, or chast love, often
repeating this to her; _O that I was out of my time, if it were for
nothing else but to repay thee thy love! So great an acknowledgement I
have of thy civilities, that I hope a time will come wherein I shall
make full satisfaction for all, &c._ If she be bucksome, or wantonly
given, she will never be content with hopes, promises, and
protestations, vows, and such like windy stuff; wherefore you must kiss,
hug, and embrace her, telling how dearly you love her; and then fall to
somewhat else: She may put you off at first with a _Pish_, a _Fye_, or
_Pray be civil_; yet be so far from denying, that if you proceed not on
vigorously, she will prompt you herself, to try what mettle you are made
of; if dull, she will make you the Subject of her private nay and
publick laughter and scorn. But be very cautious of procreation, which
you may prevent several ways. Now to tell you what manner of persons we
are; that are confederates; there are few among us but what are of
several Trades selected, as _Linnen Drapers_, _Mercers_, _Woollen
Drapers_, _Silkmen_, _Hosiers_, _Haberdashers_, _Merchants_, _Grocers_,
_Goldsmiths_, _Jewellers_, _Ribband-sellers_, _Exchange-men_, to which
add a _Drawer_ and an _Oyl-man_, the one to furnish us with good Liquor,
and the other to prepare our pallates for it. A great many Trades there
are which signifie nothing in our Commonwealth as _Pewtrers_,
_Braziers_, _Plummers_, _&c._, we are only for such as will profit the
body, please the Pallate & fill the Pocket. Every one brings his several
Commodities at the place of meeting, then do we exchange or barter one
with another for what each respective person wants; either to supply his
own occasion, or his Mistress: for it is to be supposed such a thing
must be had; when procured, must be maintained, though to the definition
of our Masters Estates, and mine of our bodily health. Further he added,
that our Masters might not detect us in the purloining his goods, you
must not (said he) take too much of one sort of Commodity.
All this I liked wonderfully well, and promised to meet that day seven
night at the place appointed; and so we parted. Coming home, I
immediately put these prescriptions into practice; first; taking notice
of what Goods we had greatest quantity; and whatsoever Commodity my
Master forgot he had: I always secured it as mine own: nay, sometimes I
would try him; _There was such a person enquiring for such a thing to
day when you were abroad, but I could not find it_: it may be he would
say, _We had it not_; suiting my design according to desire. Having
taken a thorrow view of the Shop and Ware house, I saw so many ways of
advantage, if assisted by a cleanly conveyance, that I could snip as
well as the most forward of them all.
The next thing I had to do, was to endear myself to the chief maid, who
was one of those that lay covertly to see me wash myself in the Tub; and
as she confest since, took an affection to me from that hour. It
required no long time to court her into a compliance; her Complexion or
Temperament, forcing her acceptance of anything amorously inclined. The
colour of her hair inclined to Red, which colour (though I know not for
what reason) I love above any: This may be partly the reason, because as
that Complexion hath alwayes the concomitant of a very white skin, so it
hath two inseperable Companions, Plumpness and Bucksomness: Her skin as
the usual attendant of Red or Flaxenish hair, (as I said) was as white
as whiteness it self: Her Cheeks naturally painted with _Vermilion_;
plump were her Cheeks and Lips, with a mole thereon, and a dimple in her
Chin, as the infallible marks of one that is willing to dedicate herself
to the service of _Venus_.
Having a fit opportunity, after some amorous discourse, I desired her
she would grant me leave that night to talk with her in private, having
business of importance to impart to her: She condescended to my
proposition. As soon as our Master and Mistress were gone to take their
rest, her impatience to hear what I would say, made her soon send the
rest to bed. The house being thus cleared, and all things silent as the
Air, when Winds into their hollow grots repair, I acquainted her with
the greatness of my affection, which I delivered with all the Rhetorick
I could invent, still touching that String which produced Loves
harmonious concord; So fervent I was in my expressions, and so ardent
and hot in my desires, that I soon melted the conjealed iceness of her
Chastity: But first there were mutual Articles reciprocally drawn and
agreed unto, _viz._
_That if she proved with child, I should marry her._
_That _I_ should devote my self to her service, and nones else._
_That we should both endeavour to make use of all opportunities for the
enjoyment of each other._
_That to prevent discovery, we should often fall out before people, that
without suspition in private we might agree the better; throwing
oftentimes bones at my head when sitting at Dinner, because suspition
should not deprive her of the Grissel._ So great was our seeming feud
sometimes, that our master was called in to part us.
After this I gave her plenary instructions as to my affairs, which she
faithfully and punctually promised to observe. Then did I put my hand to
the instrument, and sealed the Articles with two witnesses.
The night was come wherein I was to meet according to promise. I
acquainted my _Amoretta_ with my intention of going out at twelve a
clock; and that my Master might not in the least suspect me, I went to
bed, but arose again at the hour promised. The first time I would not
carry any Commodities with me, resolving to see first what they did.
Being come to the house, I was introduced by my Neighbour _Thomas_ into
a private back-room, among the associated Brethren. I was much amazed to
see such variety of Wares lie upon a long Table, as Silks, Stuffs,
Cloth, Linnen and Woollen, Stockings, Ribbands, Muffs, Hoods, Scarfs,
and the like. Some of them came to me, and welcomed me as a Brother,
drinking to me in a Beer-bowl of Sack and Sugar.
Most of the Company being met, they truckt with each other according to
their convenience, furnishing themselves with what they either stood in
need of themselves or their friends. Several things were offered me; I
told them I had brought nothing to retalliate in lieu: They told me my
Credit was good, which is the Soul of Commerce; telling me they should
have occasion to make use of me in the like nature another time. I took
with me only such things as might be proper to bestow at home, on whom I
had lately engaged my affections; which I presented her with,
accompanied with many expressions and protestations of a never-dying
affection. She accepted of my kindness with much gratitude, but thought
she could not fully remunerate me without a re-admission into her
private and then particular savours, I could easily discern her
inclinations by griping of my hand, kissing as if she would devour me,
the palpitation of her heart, and her inflamed eyes. I ran parallel with
her in the same desires, so that with much facility we two clapt up a
bargain. After which; I would have betaken my self to my rest in my own
bed, but that was displeasing to her, I perceived nothing would content
her, but that we should be bed-fellows. I soon assented to it, though to
the hazard of both our credits and fortunes. I desired her to go up
first, telling her I would follow instantly after. By that time I
thought she was in bed, up marcht I the stairs, which creackt as if they
had conspired a discovery; Coming up to the highest stair, I raised my
foot (being fearful of making any noise) thinking there had been
another, it descended with such precipitation, that I made the house
eccho. The Chamber wherein my Master and Mistress lay, (the maid lying
in a Trundle bed underneath them) was right against this Stair-head. My
Master had taken a dose more then ordinary of Sack, so that this noise
awaked him not: my mistress at the first hearing thereof, imagined
Thieves had broken into the house; she endeavoured to wake her Husband,
by stirring him, but could not, therefore thought it the best way to lie
still, expecting the event. In the mean time I lay _per due_, stirring
not till I imagined my Mistress asleep again. The maid, concluding I
durst not adventure further by reason of this unfortunate accident, fell
immediately into a profound sleep. Finding (after a considerable time)
all things still and quiet, I entred the Chamber, dark as Hell, and in a
low voice, groaping the contrary way, I cried, _Where art?_ _Here,
here_, said my Mistress, in a whispering tone: minding from whence the
sound came as near as I could, I directed my foot-steps to that place:
The same words being repeated, conveyed me exactly to that side of the
bed whereon my Mistress lay. Taking her about the neck, I kist her a
thousand times: using then all the alluring and loving expressions I
could invent: not perceiving my mistake, I made all the haste I could
(and all too little) to undress my self; which was done in an instant:
Opening the Cloths to come to bed, _Hold_, said my Mistress, _I have a
Bed fellow already; what I have suffered you to do, was only as a tryal
to understand what you intended. Get you gone to your own bed for this
night, and I shall talk with you farther to morrow._ I durst not reply,
not daring to stay longer, but betook my self to my own Chamber, possest
with fear and shame, I nothing but tost and tumbled all that night,
taking not the least rest.
In the morning early I was up, shewing my self more than ordinary
diligent. But, Lord, what a confusion I was in, when I saw my Mistress
come into the Shop? I made an hundred pretences to stoop behind the
Counter, and rectifie disordered Wares: So busie I was with my back
towards her, that she could not have so much as a sight of me. At length
she comes up close to me, and turning me about, said, _Indeed you take
too much pains, you are too laborious; fair and softly; there is a great
while to night yet: desist a little, I must have a word with you_.
Hearing this, I presumed to look in her face, and was overjoyed; for
from thence I received a most alluring smile, instead of a killing
frown. This re-armed me with confidence, compelling from me these
expressions:
_Most respectful Mistress, I do with shame confess my self in a
great error: but if you will consider that the cause thereof was
irresistable; I hope you will in some measure mitigate my crime.
My very youthfulness speaks my Apology. You cannot be ignorant
of the fervent heat of young blood, which sometimes boyls beyond
its bounds. Besides the temperature of my body, (being of a
Sanguine complexion) did add much fuel to that fire._
She admired to hear me speak in such a Dialect; but laying aside her
wonder, she bid me tell her the whole truth, and what Contract we had
concluded. I equivocated in my relation, intending to excuse the maids
forwardness, and that I only designed to surprize her unawares. This
Sophistry of mine did not in the least prevent my Mistresses prying wit,
and quick understanding, from searching out the truth, tracing every
meander, finding it out at last, though involved in a labyrinth of
obscurities. She told me plainly she knew all, though I endeavoured to
conceal it, and _desired_ me, in stead of commands, to withdraw my
affectionate thoughts from her, since her resolution was to divorce our
persons. Adding moreover, that if I was so amorously inclined, as not
content without a Female Object to exercise my passion on, I should
elect such a one, whose merit grounded on Beauty, Birth, Wealth, and
Power, should command my love, and finally eternize my terrestrial
happiness, and so vanisht from me, leaving my cogitations to their
operations.
Forty five years had not totally destroyed her beauty, but there was
still remaining the ruines of a good face: Her Birth, though from a high
extraction, had little influence over me, had not her Wealth (which she
had at her own disposal) whispered in my ear more than a common
felicity. Her last words left a deep impression on my imagination, which
were not so enigmatically delivered, but that I could easily interpret
them advantageously enough to my purpose. I resolved within my self to
acquiesce, leaving this affair to time to bring it to perfection.
[Illustration]
CHAP. XI.
_What devices he found out to Cheat his Master; and what
ways he had to spend it lavishly, at unseasonable hours,
on Wine, Wenches, _&c.__
The time being come again, for the meeting my snipping Brethren, I went
prepared with what I could conveniently carry with me. Seeing me come
well fraught, my merchants presently clapt me aboard, resolving not to
let my commodities lie long on my hands, our truck was soon agreed on to
our mutual contents. Then like true Sons of _Bacchus_, we trouled the
full boles about, wishing him that pledged not his fellow, in a dark
rainy night on a tyred Jade bare ridged in a dirty lane, with a pocky
Whore behind him, and his own bones rotten, nine Miles from an house,
not knowing one step of his way, nor having one penny in his pocket.
This, or the like dreadful execration, made us tumble off whole Boles
like so many thimbles full. Half a dozen of these a piece, were a
_preludium_ to our Supper, which usually was composed of the choicest
viands. Neither could we eat, without our female Consorts, whom Wine and
Musick waited on. After Supper, we fell again to our old _Bacchanalian_
sport, drinking, Dancing, or privately treating our Mistresses at a
venereal Banquet. When we had drank our selves to ebriety, and satiated
our lustful appetites, we betook our selves to our respective
habitations, our Masters not dreaming of our night-Revellings. Our own
expences were neither valuable nor comparable to what our Mad-Dames put
us to, which were so great (though they made me rack my invention to
supply their pretended necessities) that all my various endeavours could
not answer their expeditions. I had taken my Gentlewoman a chamber, for
which I paid three shillings a week, and upon the bare promise of a
Whore, that she would prove constant to me, I allowed her a weekly
pension besides; I never came to receive a private favour, but I must
return her for it, some special and particular courtesie; as a Scarf, an
Hood, a Ring, a Whisk, or rich Lace for her Smock. If I failed at any
time of paying my promised Tribute I should be severely checked, nay,
sometimes threatned that I had undone her; at the least denyed my
accustomed Familiarity; then she would pretend that she had refused many
eminent Matches mearly for my sake, that now she saw her self meerly
deluded, and would endure it no longer; and would tell my Master our
whole proceedings. If I had performed the main, and not presented her
when I came with some other gratuity, as a work of Supererogation, she
would deride my Courtship, telling me, _I was an empty fellow, that I
bestowed my favours on others and that made me so sparing to her_. And
that she scorned to be a copartner in my heart. When she thought she had
sufficiently nettled me, (fearing to strain my passion too high) then a
little comply, clapping me on the cheeks, calling me Smock-face Rogue;
come hither Sirrah, I know what you would have, I’le save your longing.
Such sweetned words soon over powered my sourness: and notwithstanding
my intended hardness, I could not forbear melting in her arms. We durst
not take much time in dalliance, my duty calling me home; but I regarded
not that so much as to preserve my Masters good opinion of me. Now since
opportunity offereth it self so appositly, give me leave to lay open
this subtle Female, on whom a strong ascendancy of _Mercury_ and
_Venus_, had bestowed so liberal a Talent for Whoring, and Cheating,
that few escaped her circumvention that came into her company. The
Relation I shall give of this miracle of Female subtilty, will be much
advantagious to all sorts of persons. By this those that are viciously
inclined may be advised into a Reformation before they have occasion for
Repentance: And they who defying all Admonishment, and are resolved to
be wicked in spite, may out of an apprehension of the ensuing danger and
punishment, be deterred into caution, _&c._
[Illustration]
A
SHORT SURVEY OF A CUNNING
WHORE.
When first I made my self acquainted with her, I thought my happiness
not inferiour to the Grand Seignors, for although he had in his Seraglio
the injoyment of an hundred or more of the most select beauties of the
Universe, yet did I fancy all those external glories contracted into
one, and possessed my matchless Mistress. As she was fair, so well
featured, sprightly and young, four dangerous advantages, when they are
accompanied with Wit, Dissimulation, Craft and Impudence, with a
covetous desire of injoying of what others possest. She could not be
ignorant of her trade, since her Mother was a profest Bawd from the time
she brought her into the world. Taking notice of her extraordinary
handsomness even from the Cradle, she resolved to dedicate her to the
service of _Venus_, not doubting but the bent of her nature would render
her very capable of that employ. Being about thirteen years of age, her
beauty was so much taken notice of, that her lovers swarmed about her.
The old Bawd her Mother was so overjoyed to see so large and goodly a
Troop of _Cupids_ Lanciers, her daughters life-guard, and doubted not
now but that she should obtain the plenary fruition of her hopes, and
therefore entertained them all, yet watching them so narrowly, that none
should taste her fruit unless they bought the tree at a dear rate. She
so well observed her daughters natural policy that she was well assured
her insinuations would in a little time command both the hearts and
purses of those who courted her. Her design proved as fortunate as she
could wish, in as much as among the many that languished for her, there
was one so wealthy as that he never knew the want of a thousand pound,
whose heart was inflamed by her eyes.
She had now assumed the title of Madam, which one should think belonged
to none but who are nobly extracted, however, why should she baulk it,
since it is an honour costs little or nothing, and as soon conferred as
spoken. This Gentleman was so insnared by the witchcrafts of a lovely
face, that though he knew the profession and practice of the Mother, and
the daughters want of honour, honesty and wealth, yet he resolved upon a
marriage within few days without the tediousness of Treaties. When there
was a firm contract concluded between them before witnesses, the
charitable Bawd his intended Mother in law, came to him, and told him if
his stomack was raw and could not stay so long till the meat was served
up with the usual ceremonies; he should have a bit for a stay, and taste
beforehand, the proposition was not unwellcome to him, wherefore he
instantly took earnest of the happiness he vainly believed would bear
him company _durante vita_. Not long after they had their nuptials
celebrated, and that he might not disparage himself in the worlds eye,
as to his inconsiderable choice; he bought his wife at his proper
charge, new cloaths, splendid enough you may guess, with the appendixes
of gallantry, rings, jewels, &c. and so brought her home to his house in
much state. She had not long lived with him, but she followed the
dictates of a luxurious disposition, and a libertine, hating to have her
liberty circumscribed or bounded, especially by one so remote to her
nature and unsuitable in years, wherefore under pretence of visiting
this friend and that couzen, she so blinded her old Husband by this
plausible excuse as that she made her frequent sallies abroad pimp for
her desires. Her Husband observing her often gaddings and profuse
expences, could do no less then suspect more then he was willing to
understand, and therefore not only abridged the liberty she took, but
devested her of those ornaments he had bestowed upon her, which so
animated her to revenge, that she resolved not to let slip the first
opportunity. She soon got acquainted with one suitable to her purpose, a
person as much ingaged in debauchery, as his credit was in the world,
yet so pleasant he appeared in her eyes, as that a little courting made
her wholly at his devotion. Hence we may observe the dangerous
consequences of disproportion of age in matching. Surely there can be no
agreement between fire and water, between freezing Winter, and Scorching
Summer. Besides when a Woman comes once to have mean _thoughts_ of her
Husband (upon any _account_ whatever) She is then in the way to affect
any body else. She now not only slighted, but hated him, which made her
launch out into all the excesses that exasperated, and vicious
Woman-kind can imagine or contrive, from whence she may either derive
satisfaction or advantage, neither could she want assistance or councel,
as long as the old experienced Bawd her mother lived.
This good old Dotard finding himself so abused, that the whole world
must needs call his reason in question; if he suffered any longer his
loose wife to Career thus in Luxury and Wantonness, resolved within
himself to call her to a severe accompt, intending withal to reduce her
by kindness, as well as sharpness, and so equally to temper his frowns
with smiles, that she should not tell which of those two ingredients
were most powerful in the effecting the cure of his lust sick-wanton.
Returning one evening from her revels abroad, the old Cuckold took her
to task; sharply reproving her for her Gaddings, her Tavern meetings,
with debauched and licentious persons; her lavish expence in paying the
Recknings where ever she came, but especially her supplying the
necessities of lusty younger Brothers, which resupplyed hers. The old
man had so spent his spirits and breath, in schooling his Lecherous
Truant, that he was forced to conclude his wormwood Lecture in an
excessive cough; the inseperable Companion of him and Age. My bucksome
Madam fearing he was streining for more of that unpleasing stuff, which
had so lately offended her ears, left him half strangled with a Tysick.
In this Interval, a female Neighbour of his came in, a Gentlewoman of
that worth; that Virtue and Gentility contended in her for priority:
_How is it I pray Sir_ (said she) _I am much troubled to see you in this
condition?_ You lie, you lie, you Whore (said he) his ears being so furd
by Time, that he could not distinguish this Gentlewomans voice from his
Wifes, neither could he see, his violent coughing having forced down
such a torrent of moisture into his eyes; that his sight was totally
drowned: Continuing his railing; _See me in this condition?_ I believe
you would be glad to see me out of it, you Strumpet, Lump of Lechery,
Cheat, she Devil, what shall I call thee; there is no name too bad: And
then cought again so violently, that it was in vain to speak to him; but
when this violent fit abated, she resolved to say something, though her
amazment to hear what she neither deserved, nor expected, would hardly
give her permission. At last she spake to him, and reasoned with him,
why he should thus stain her honour which was hitherto spotless,
undefiled; that her actions had ever been so far from rendring her, what
he unworthily represented, that they made her famous, and lookt on as a
good example for her Neighbours to follow and immitate. I, I; infamous
you mean (said he) and let me alone to make you such an example, that
you shall have followers enough to see you Carted, you Bitch whore. Why,
who am I said the Gentlewoman, that you thus abuse me? _Am I_, (said he)
you are Touch-wood, Tinder, Salt peter, Gunpowder, Wildfire, nay, worse
then all this, my Wife.
By this the Gentlewoman verily concluded him to be mad, and fearing
least his frenzie might be converted into fury, was thinking to slip
from him just as his cough left him, and his eyes again restored to him,
with the insight of his mistake; which made him much condemn his
fallacious age, that had put this trick on him.
Apologies (as many as this old mans sterile invention could frame) were
not wanting to excuse this absurdity and errour: Neither was his Wife
without the height of mirth behind the Hangings, to hear how much her
doting fool was mistaken; who had not patience any longer to discourse
his Visitant, but abruptly left her in quest of his abused Wife as he
now supposed, imagining from this grand mistake, that what ever before
he had either seen or heard of his wife, was nothing but the genuine
product of his own idle and jealous brain. After he had made a strict
enquiry through the whole house for his wife, he at length found her out
cloistered in a Garret, into which she had conveyed her self coming
softly behind the Hangings, wherein she had hid herself; and the better
to colour her intended Villany, hearing her Husband ascend the Stairs,
she put her self into a praying posture.
The old man seeing her on her knees, had like to have broke his neck for
hast, not minding so much the disturbance he would give her (pretended)
devotion, as the satisfaction he injoyed to see his mistake confirmed.
Being out of breath, his discourse was abrupt and broken, neither did he
know which was most expedient, either first to question her, or crave
her pardon: at length he threw himself at her feet (for indeed he could
hardly stand upon his feeble Legs;) and hanging down his Head (I knew
not whether he cried) a salt Rhume gushed through the port holes of his
Head, which looked like scalding Teares; and so they might be, for by
their burning heat, any might conclude the loss of the hair of his
Eyelids, and that thereby the shriveled skin of his Countenance was
parcht. It was a long time ere he could speak, and no wonder, since this
was the second time of his Infancy; but at length with much ado, with a
look as pittiful as his Rhetorick, he asked forgivness. She seemed
strangly surprized and not only wondred at, but taxt him for the
Irrationality of his Petition. The pretence of her ignorance in what had
past, made him the more eager to discover his ridiculous folly. In
short, he gave her to understand, that since he was mistaken in a thing
so palpable, he might very well question whither all former reports, and
his own evil opinion of her, might not be posited on the same basis of
falshood. That for the time to come, he would never admit of jealousie
within his breast, and to give a full confirmation to what he protested;
he instantly delivered her his Keys, committing to her trust what he had
of greatest value. This cunning Quean would not accept this kind
proffer, but with much pressing, and then sealing his pardon with a
kiss, an everlasting affection was seemingly agreed upon. For two or
three months after she behaved her self so well, that had her Husband
had _Argus_ his hundred eyes, he could not perceive any thing that might
blemish her Reputation, or trouble his head.
Her Cue being come to enter and act her part on the Stage of deceit, she
appeared and managed her business to the purpose. For having given her
Mother a Catalogue of those rich things she had in her possession; she
never left her daughter till they had conveyed all away which might be
carried in the day time without any notice taken; and at an appointed
night getting the Servants to bed and delivering the Key of the
street-door to the old Bawd her Mother, she played the part of a Woman
in general, by lulling her Husband in bed by dissimulation and flattery,
into a fond opinion of her cordiality to him, whilst her agents then
were leaving him as naked of goods, as he was at that time of Apparel.
In the morning she arose by times, before the old man was stiring, and
went instantly to her mother who had provided her lodgings. Then did she
change her name to hinder detection; and that she might add to her
security, she never went abroad but with her Vizard Mask, and in as many
varietys of Suits as there are months in the year, which though but
thirteen, yet did she make them ring as many changes as _BOW BELLS_.
Not long after she had played this exploit, it was my unhappiness to be
acquainted with her, by coming accidentally to our Shop, where buying
some wares, it was so ordered that I must bring them to her Chamber.
According to the time appointed I waited on her, but found myself
extremely mistaken in my Chapwoman. For instead of paying me for my
commodity, she would have truckt with me Ware for Ware; which I would no
ways assent to; finding me no fit person for her purpose, she dismist me
by discharging the debt. This passage did so run in my mind, that I
could not be at quiet till I had purposed a time to visit her, and
indeed I was forceably prickt on thereunto by those matchless features I
saw in her incomparable face. My Master riding out of Town I found a
very fit opportunity to make my address to her, which I thought would be
the more welcome by bringing a present with me.
Her memorie was so good that she knew me again and shrewdly guessed at
my Errant, and indeed I was not long in the discovery thereof: There
were but two words to a bargain, and so struck up the business: So much
delight I took in her at that time, and she in me, that we
interchangably promised each others constancy of affection.
Mine and my females extravagancies, made me invent as many ways to
cheat, as we had ways to spend what was this way gotten. If I had heard
any friend say, they must buy a Gown, I had my Mercer ready for that
purpose: If a Suit and Cloak, my Draper, and the like; sometimes telling
my friend, That I was acquainted with one that would sell me a far
cheaper pennyworth than any one else: other times, that such an one owed
me some moneys, and that this way I could both pleasure my friend, and
hedge in mine own debt. Though I drove a great trade this way, receiving
still ready cash, yet this would not do alone. As an assistance, I
guelded the money-box every day, receiving my part first, before my
Matter should take his, which usually he did every night, putting it
into his Till. I could not sleep for thinking how I might be intimately
acquainted with the inwards of this same Till. Several projects I made
tryal of, but none suited my purpose so well, as a Barbers pair of
Curling irons. I got a File from a Smith, and to work I went with my
Curling irons, filing them to slip in easily, and to turn round. The
first Essay I made thereof, had like to have put me into an Extasie for
joy. I laid them upon their edge, opened them wide, I pinched the money
below; holding fast, I turned them on their side, and so drew up the
money to the mouth of the Scotch: now because there was many times so
much, that it would not come through, with a knife I would slide away
piece after piece, till I had fitted the money to the narrowness of the
passage. I seldom brought up at a time less than three shillings, a good
draught, not ceasing till I had gotten twenty or thirty shillings at a
time, or more, according to the quantity of the stock. Finding my Engine
act according to my desires, I could not be content without
congratulating my success. My Master was seldom at home, wherefore I
askt my Mistress to go out for an hour, promising her not to stay beyond
my limited time: She consented and I overjoyed, pickt up a Rambler or
two, and away we went to honest _Ralph_. Being glad to see us, he
planted us in a convenient room fit for his purpose. There was never a
Pint he scored at the Bar, but he had a Quart-Bottle in his Breeches for
it. They all wondred to see me so frollick, but I thought it wisdom to
conceal the depth of my practice from them.
After we had drank very smartly, I came home, transgressing but a little
beyond my time. My Mistress was very well pleased, telling me, _I should
have leave another time, since I was so punctual_. Those Bottles of Sack
we drank, ran perpetually in my minde, for it was the very flower of
Wine. In the commemoration of my Friends courtesie, and the goodness of
that Liquor, I gave my contemplative fancy leave to characterize a
Bottle of Canary, thus.
[Illustration]
THE CHARACTER OF
A Bottle of _Canary_.
He is Gentleman I assure you well extracted, which once lived like a
Salamander in the midst of the flames; and had he not been burnt, he
have never proved sound. He seems a Prodigy: For that which we live by,
decays him; hating Air, as _Bacchus_ hates small Beer. He will lie still
if you smother him, and is never so well, as when his breath is stopt.
Bury him, and you make him quicker. As for his habit, it is ever plain,
yet neat: Though Nobly born, he scorns not to wear a green Coat, with a
badge on it; and you cannot injure him worse than to pick a hole in his
Coat. Though he wears for the most part one sort of Garb, yet he is
never out of fashion, acceptable to the best of company, not regarding
his outward dress, but valuing his inward worth: However, his Suit is
made of admirable Stuff, for his outside never grows barer, and his
Linings are the fresher for wearing. So choice he is in his Cloathing,
that he rather chuseth to have his brains knockt out, than to have a
rent in his Garment. He wears an _a la mode_ Hat, as light (and almost
as little) as a Shittle-cock, which he puts off to none; but like the
Quaker when brought before a Magistrate, hath it taken off for him.
As for his Pedegree, I now not how to derive it; for he hath had in him
the best and purest of the _French_ blood, but will now acknowledge his
Race onely from the _Spaniard_, whom he imitates, being stately, and
standing always upright; treads for the most part on Carpets, and never
stirs abroad but when he is carried, yet full of activity. If he runs
fast and long, the more wind he gets. If he chance to fall, which is
seldom, for many look to him, he will be extreamly moved, yet (contrary
to all men) the fuller his belly is, the less hurt he receives: his
credit is large, never paying for what he wears, running on the score
perpetually; his conditions are a riddle, there is in him pure vertue,
and notorious vice; the quintessence of love, and the venome of hatred.
He is the beginning and the end of a thousand quarrels in a year, yet a
very Coward; for he suffers any to take him by the ear, and never broke
any ones pate, but when company was by. He is very facetious in society,
and will spend himself freely to the last drop, if a Ladies soft and
warm hand will raise him. He is a brisk Spark, and therefore Courtiers
adore him; he is smooth in his expression, and therefore Ladies delight
in him; he is filled with nimble fancies, therefore the Wits frequent
him, exhausting his radical moisture, to distil it into Poetical
Raptures; for conceits never run faster from the Limbick of their
brains, than when this Gentleman adds fuel to the Furnace. He whets wit,
yet dulls it; creates new Fancies, and stupifies. Gives the Orator a
fluent tongue, and makes him speechless. Gives a Poet feet till he
cannot go. And as he helps Ministers to preach, so he likewise silenceth
more than the Spanish Inquisition. He hath a great many tricks in him:
He will make a Faulkner fly high within doors; Make a Huntsman catch a
Fox by the fire-side; Whatever he holds, is made good; and unless you
mind him well, much good matter that falls from him, may be lost: for he
is often fluent beyond measure. All Tongues court him; and those that
look narrowly unto him, shall find him no dry Fellow. The truth is, he
is too profound for shallow brains to meddle with him: He will pour out
quaint expressions and hard words so thick, that the best Scholars are
glad at last to give him something to stop his mouth: Yet hold him up
fairly, and you may get all he hath out of him. He is excessively
beloved, and relishes all Company, being pleasant, and full of admirable
humours. He is inwardly acquainted with the Lord Mayor and Aldermen, and
incorporateth with their Wives daily. His Kisses are so sweet, that they
lick their lips after him; and though his breath be strong, yet it is
not offensive. He is a true _Good-fellow_, drinking till he hath no eyes
to see with: Good Liquor is his Life and Soul, and he is never musty but
for want of it. He will drink till he be filled up to the very throat,
and gape whilst others put it in. He will bear as much Sack as any man
in _England_ of his bulk; yet he will be soon drunk in Company. But if
you will give him leave to vomit, he will take his Liquor and drink
fresh, till all the Company be forced to leave him. Drinking is his
hourly exercise, seldom lying out of a Tavern. He is the main Upholder
of Club-meetings, without fear of being broke. He picks mens pockets,
yet is never made more reckoning of than by such persons. As for his
Estate, I can onely say this, That all he hath he carries about him; yet
generally he is reputed rich: What he hath, he holds upon courtesie; but
what he gives others, is held _in Capite_. What he possesseth, is
commonly upon Sale; yet more for plenty, than for want; and if you can
purchase him you purchase all.
* * * * *
I could never endure Idleness, I was ever in action; either writing, or
contriving, or putting in execution my contrivances; I thought it better
_male agere quam nihil agere_: my brains or hands were continually
working, and very seldom but effectually. My pen was generally so happy
in discoveries, that my wit was much applauded by the most censorious:
much respected I was, & my company much importuned by the
Tankerd-bearers of _Helicon_, by which means I so swelled with pride,
that I thought my self little inferior to _Apollo_. I called _Mercury_
Pimp, the nine Sisters Whores, whom I had frequently layn with, and
might when I pleased: the best title I could bestow on _Pegasus_ was
Hackny-Jade. In the height of this my opinionativeness, my Cooler (our
Masters maid) came to me where I was alone; and after many heart-fetcht
sighs, told me she found her self with child; which news had like to
have deprived me of my understanding: but knowing that Vexation never
remedies but rather adds to trouble, I was resolved to bear it
patiently, and study some means to preserve her and my Credit. I framed
a Letter as from her Father, desiring her to come down into the Country
speedily, if she intended to see him alive; and according as we had laid
the Plot, she shews it her Mistress, desiring her leave to shew her duty
to her dying Father. Our Mistress most willingly consented thereunto, as
knowing that there was more than ordinary love between us; the maid had
staid as long as possibly she might without discovery, Lacing her self
very streight, and keeping down her belly with three Busks: but now she
made haste to rub off: I had provided a Midwife that should be her Bawd
too: but this could not be done without extraordinary cost. After her
Delivery, I found the keeping of her and the Child very expensive: then
did I begin to consider what a vast charge, and how many various
troubles this momentary lecherous pleasure draws upon a man: how
furiously he is upon the onset, and how quickly satisfied, loathing that
Object he a little before longed for. Well, I bethought my self how to
be rid both of Cow and Calf. I told her I would get together what moneys
I could, and so marry her, upon condition she would be willing to travel
with me whither I went, which I knew was her onely desire: I informed
her of my intention to go for _Virginia_; and the reasons that induced
me thereunto.
First, her disgrace would not be known there: Next, my Master could have
no power over me, insisting further on the pleasantness of that
Continent, and the plenty of every thing, &c.
She assented to all I propounded, relying her self solely on me, to
dispose of her as I pleased. To palliate my design, I went with her to
_Gravesend_, pretending as if I was then going with her beyond Sea, for
no other end but to clear my self from her there, knowing that after she
had past examination or search of the Block-house, she would meet with
no more. Being aboard, I suddenly seemed to have forgot something
ashore; having well laid my Plot upon the Basis of a good Sum of money I
had distributed among the Sea-men, with a considerable present to the
Master, and telling my _Landabris_ I would return to her instantly, I
got into the Boat; and immediately after the Ship weighed Anchor, and
quickly was under Sail. I confess, notwithstanding the Devil had at that
time the total possession of me; yet I was much troubled at what I had
done so hard-heartedly and cruelly. A flood of tears had so overwhelmed
my sight, that I could not discern the Ship in which she was: so
sensible I was of the wickedness of this Fact, that _Dido_-like, I could
have thrown my self into the Sea after her, had not a good Woman, whose
Husband was in the same Ship, prevented me. Observing my tears, _’Tis
probable, Young Man_, (said she) _you have lately taken your leave of
some dearly beloved Friend; and I guess, by your earnest looking after
yond Ship under sail, the person was in her_. I told her it was truth.
_My Husband is in the same Vessel_, (said she) _and therefore I have as
much cause to grieve as you. Come, be of good comfort, Man, Friends must
part; and it is better to part here than at the Gallows. Go along with
me, and we will wash down sorrow; and with a Glass of neat Canary,
antidote our hearts against any thing that may disturb them._
With that I lookt intentively in her face, and found it correspondent
with a jolly temper. An Eye black and piercing; and Eye-brows black
also, and each as big as a mans thumb comparatively: a sign that never
fails to denote that Woman capable of giving a man the greatest
delectation. She was every way compleatly handsome, and suitable to the
desires of the most curious Critick in Love-affairs. I thought it a
shame to deny so kind a proffer, and a crime in Youth unpardonable not
to embrace that opportunity, that shall lead him by the hand into
_Venus_ her Bed-chamber. With that I addrest my self to her, (and
afterwards undrest together) declaring that the force of her Rhetorick,
assisted by her external beautiful, and altogether lovely form, had
forced me to forget my onely dearly beloved she-friend, and to become
her Proselyte, her absolutely devoted convert, and would prostrate my
will to be guided by hers and her command. With that we concluded to
solace ourselves at the next Tavern: I applied my self to my old way of
insinuation: which soon melted her, so that I saw I might when I pleased
stamp loves impression on her. Returning to _Gravesend_, we soon lodged
our selves conveniently for our intended purpose: having so done, I so
ordered the matter, that there was not anything wanting that might
please our sences. Yet fearing lest her love should cool again, there
was no Art forgotten that might serve to entertain it. Delays in
love-affairs are dangerous: Women love not to be too long Tantalized;
there is a certain critical time to know their inclination; which if you
punctually observe, you shall assuredly reap the fruits of your desires;
if not, you may perpetually wait, but never enjoy the like opportunity.
Wherefore the Iron glowing hot, I thought good to strike: to enliven my
spirits, she sent for a noise of Musick, ordering them to play in the
next Room. And in the end we began to think of some repose, agreeing
before to lie in two Chambers contiguous to each other; which were
accordingly provided. As soon as I thought all the Houshold were in bed,
I repaired to my Mistress, who eagerly expected my coming; approaching
the bed-side, she clasped me in her arms: As soon as day broke, I arose,
bespeaking a fat Capon swaddled with Sassages, and a Quart of Buttered
Sack. I got all ready by the time of her rising: she was extraordinarily
well pleased in my double dilligence of serving her: having applauded my
industry and care of her, we fell to it, interlining every bit with a
Glass of Canary. She told me she would never part whilst she had a penny
left, having about her some Thirty Pieces of Gold. _Well_ (said I) _my
Dear, since it is thy resolution, a match; but let me be Steward_: Which
she agreed unto, delivering into my hands what Gold she had. For two or
three hours I shewed my self very officious in my place; but considering
that when this money was spent, we should not know what to do, I thought
it was better for one to want than two; besides, I had lately surfeited
on a Medler, and therefore my stomack nauseated the very thoughts
thereof. I had feed the Drawer to bring me word just as the _Gravesend_
Barge was going off; which accordingly he did, by a private sign
concluded betwixt us. I then pretended an excuse to go down, under the
notion of providing something novel, which should be conducive to our
mirth and jollity. I had just so much time below to write her these
lines in stead of a solemn leave taking, leaving them with the Drawer to
present her, and so went aboard the Barge for _London_.
_Madam, I’m gone, no wonder, for you know,
Lovers encounters are but touch and go._
Arriving at _Billings-gate_, I went straight to a Tavern, where I had an
interest with the Drawer, resolving there to consult seriously with my
self what course to follow, being as yet unresolved what to do. After I
had raised my dulled spirits with a glass or two, I concluded to hazard
my Masters good opinion, nay, and my Mistresses affection too; which
though at that present it only smoaked, I might easily divine, that in
process of time it would burst forth into a flame. Being before confined
to my Masters time, I began to consider what an excellent thing Liberty
was, equally estimable with Health; which two, though they are the
greatest and most precious gifts (next our Redemption) the Creator of
the World hath bestowed on mankind; yet we poor mortals value them not
till we are sensible of their want, by being deprived of them. This is
an infallible maxime, _That the deprivation of a thing shall be so much
the more evil, as the possession thereof is good_. Now if Liberty be
such an excellent & delectable thing when enjoyed, how miserable are
those that want it?
Having moneys in my Pocket, I concluded to experiment the enjoyment
thereof, and to participate of such delights the nature of young men is
most inclinable to. Now man being a sociable Creature, I thought I
should reap but little satisfaction to my self in the expence of my
moneys, without an Associate: Wherefore I sent to an Apprentice of my
intimate acquaintance contemporary with me, and who had often prompted
me to ramble with him. This Lad was his Masters Casheer, which I knew
would much assist my design. I made him acquainted with my intention of
trying the world: Though it had been formerly his own motion, yet he
seemed at the first something startled; but all his doubts I resolved;
adding moreover, That to have our wills inslaved to other mens, was a
thing insupportable, since that we were, as well as they, created free
Denizens of this world. That since our great Grand-Father was Emperor of
the whole world, we could not stile our selves less than Princes, and
therefore debased our Birth by a voluntary submission to Service and
Slavery. I had no great occasion to make use of many Arguments to this
purpose; for his own inclination was sufficient to perswade him. The
result of our discourse was a firm resolution to become two
Knights-errant. I advised him forthwith to go home and bring with him
what Cash he had in his possession; which he readily performed, and
indeed more then I could expect, being 200_l._ the Fates having so
decreed to favour this our first bold exploit, as a tryal of what we
durst attempt.
CHAP. XII.
_How he frequented Bawdy-houses; what exploits he committed
in them; the Character of a Bawd, a Whore, a Pimp, and a
Trapan; their manner of living; with a Detection of
their wicked lives and Conversations._
Being full fraught with money, we undertook our Progress, promising to
our selves all delight imaginable, but not considering what the effect
would be. We frequented all places of pleasure, but among the chief we
ranked _Brothel-houses_, which were our Repositories. We seldom were
seen in the Streets by day, for fear of discovery; confining our selves
close Prisoners to some _Bubbing-house_; at night (like such as closely
delighted in deeds of darkness) we would sometimes flutter abroad. Our
pastime was to hire Coaches to any pretended place, and when we came
near it, to make our escape. One time leaping out of the Boot, my Cloak
chanced to tangle in the spokes of the Wheel: the Coachman not
perceiving we were got out, drove on; by the wheels continually turning,
my Garment was so ingaged, that I verily believed my sins had now
conferred upon me the just punishment of being executed on the wheel,
which I could hardly have avoided, had I not speedily unbuttoned my
Cloak: I was loath to bid the Coachman stop, thinking I should have it
at last; I ran Lacquy-like a long way, but all my endeavours to shift
it, proved ineffectual; so that at length I was forced to cry out, _Hold
Coachman_. The Coachman coming out of his Box, soon perceived the
fallacy, and straightways demanded his money for his hire, before he
would untangle my Cloak, which I was compelled to give him. Delivering
me my Cloak, he told me, _I had paid him, but he had not paid me for my
attendance on him_: And said moreover, _That my Cloak would not look
like a Livery, unless it were laced; and with that, with his whip,
lashed me well-favouredly_. Another sort of Pastime we used, was to kick
the old Watchmens Lanthorns about the street; and it may be sometimes
confer a blow or two on their sleepy noddles, and then flie for it, but
we had worse success with this than the former. We practised this
foolery so often, till at length we were met with, and rightly served.
It was thus: In _Paternoster-row_, we found a fellow at noddie upon a
stall, with his Lanthorn and Candle by him; having first seized on that,
and thrown it into the Kennel, we prosecuted our abuse by falling upon
him, and beating him. As soon as we had done this manful act, we betook
our selves to flight; but here we mistook our mark, thinking him to be
an old decrepid Watchman, and one that had little use of his eyes,
without those in his Pocket; whereas to our cost, we found him as nimble
and as light footed as a Stag, who overtaking us, surprized us; and as
he was carrying us before the Constable, we met with the grand Round,
who, without much examination, committed us as Rats to the Counter. The
chiefest thing that troubled us, was the apprehension of our Masters
knowing where we were. But we resolved to drown that care: we had not
been there long, before other Rats, Male and Female, were brought in to
bear us company. Some of the men were all bloody, and their Mobs Scarfs
and Hoods all rent, and none of them sober: Damming and Sinking were the
constant flourishes of their discourse; calling for drink was the
Argument they held, and roaring in distracted notes was their Harmony.
Though I was my self comparatively wicked, yet I blessed my God I had
not arrived to that height these superlative Villains had attained to.
Being in their company, I thought myself in the Suburbs, or on the
confines of Hell. Sin, if it be dressed up in specious pretences, may be
entertained as a Companion; but when it appears in its own shape, it
cannot but strike horror into the Soul of any, though desperate, if not
stupified. Wherefore me thought I was so far from associating my self
with them, that I protest, the leudness of their Actions were so
represented to me with such deformity, that I knew not which I loathed
most, them or the Prison. I cannot make appear to the world what they
were, nor my resentments, unless I should stuff a page or two with all
manner of horrid Oaths, Execrations, Blasphemies and such like
soul-infecting & destroying Plague-sores; wherefore I shall onely take
leave to anatomize the Place that deteined us from our freedom. Then
look upon a Prison as in it self, and it may be fitly termed a temporary
Hell. For as the other is a receptacle for damned Souls, the Gates
thereof standing always wide open; so this refuseth the reception of
none, though never so wicked a miscreant. Though my durance in this
place was but short, yet I could not but take some observations,
imploying from thence the faculties of my Soul to draw up the definition
of a Prison. Hell is a very proper denomination for it, since it is a
place composed of nothing but disorder and confusion; a Land of
darkness, inhabited by calamity, horror, misery, and confusion; a
bottomless Pit of fraud, violence and stench. A Prison is the Banishment
of Courtesie, the Centre of Infamy and Disparagement, the Destruction of
good Wits, the Treasure of Despair, the Fining-Pot of Friendship, a Den
of Deceivers, a Forest of Ravenous Beasts. Here you may see one Weeping,
another singing; one Sleeping, another Swearing; every one variously
imployed; one Eating in a corner, and another Pissing just by him;
another Lowsing himself between both; it may be heretofore a military
man, and therefore loath to forget his Art, but rather exercising it in
the killing of his bodily Enemies, bearing the blood on his nail, as the
Trophies of his Victory.
It is, to speak most properly, a living Tomb or grave to bury men alive
in, wherein a man for half a years experience may learn more Law, then
he can in three Terms for an hundred pound.
It is a little Wood of woe, a Map of misery, a place that will learn a
young man more villany, if he be apt to take it, in six months,
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