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The Life and Adventures of Maj. Roger Sherman Potter

by F. Colburn Adams · English · Gutenberg #4959 · 911,126 chars · public domain (US)

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Title: The Life and Adventures of Maj. Roger Sherman Potter

Author: F. Colburn Adams


        
Release date: January 1, 2004 [eBook #4959]
                Most recently updated: June 4, 2026

Language: English

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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF MAJ. ROGER SHERMAN POTTER ***




THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF MAJ. ROGER SHERMAN POTTER:

TOGETHER WITH AN ACCURATE AND EXCEEDINGLY INTERESTING ACCOUNT OF HIS
GREAT ACHIEVEMENTS IN POLITICS, DIPLOMACY, AND WAR,--ALL OF WHICH ARE
HERE RECORDED OUT OF SHEER LOVE FOR THE MARTIAL SPIRIT OF THIS TRULY
AMBITIOUS NATION.

I HERE DECLARE THAT THIS GREAT WORK WAS NEITHER TRANSLATED FROM THE
FRENCH, NOR PRIGGED FROM THE UNPUBLISHED WORK OF ANY ENGLISH AUTHOR,
BUT WAS TRULY AND HONESTLY WRITTEN FOR THE ESPECIAL BENEFIT OF MY
PUBLISHER.

BY PHELEG VAN TRUSEDALE, WHO, WITHOUT ASKING PERMISSION,
RESPECTFULLY DEDICATES IT TO HIS FRIEND AND BENEFACTOR, JAMES
BUCHANAN, PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES.

NEW YORK:

1858.






AUTHOR'S PREFACE.





IF the reader will but pay attention to what I have written in this
great work, it will be found that I have taken an unwarrantable
liberty with his good taste; that is to say, I have so far deviated
from that stereotyped rule-so strictly observed by all our great
authors-as to make my hero, who is what is curiously enough called a
"Yankee Character," speak tolerably good English, instead of vulgar
slang. In truth, so closely do "our great writers" adhere to this
rule of depicting the eccentric American as a lean, scraggy
individual, dressed most outlandishly, making splinters of the
king's English, while drawling it with offensive nasal sounds, and
violating the rules of common politeness in whatever he does, that
when he goes abroad the foreigner is surprised to find him a
tolerably well polished gentleman, and indeed not unfrequently
inquires what part of our country those lean persons he has seen
described in the books of American authors reside in.

Let this preface then suffice, for if any one of my many readers
think he can write a better--and I doubt not he can-let him set
about it, and not stop until he get it exactly to his fancy. But
before he say one word against aught that is herein written, let him
bear in mind that I am the author of not less than a stack of great
histories, which have already so multiplied my literary fame, that
the mere announcement of another book by me sends that only great
and generous critic, the public at large, into a perfect fever of
anxiety.

PHELEG VAN TRUSEDALE.

New York, Nov., 1857.






CONTENTS.





1.--A Chapter Wherein those Having a Taste for Nonsense may find It

2.--Containing Sundry Matters of Deep Interest

3.--A Pleasant Meeting with a Renowned Major

4.--Major Roger Sherman Potter Recounts his Exploits in War and
Politics

5.--In which Politicians and Other Vagabonds may find Something to
Their Advantage

6.--Major Roger Potter's First Adventure in New York

7.--The Pleasant Side of a Misfortune

8.--Meeting Between the Renowned Major and an Eccentric Fishmonger

9.--How the Renowned Major Exchanged Chickens with Mrs. Trotbridge

10.--The Kindness of Mine Host of the Astor

11.--Wonderful Story of an Intelligent

12.--Concerning Matters Necessary to the Perfection of This History

13.--The Two Strange Characters at the Independent Temperance Hotel

14.--A whole Town in a State of Alarm

15.--An Amusing Meeting between Major Roger Potter and his Wife,
Polly Potter

16.--Many Queer and Deeply Interesting Things which took place When
Major Potter arrived at Barnstable

17.--A Man of the Name of Giles Sheridan

18.--Which Relates how Major Roger Potter Sailed for New York, to the
Great Delight of Little Barnstable

19.--The Most Pleasant and Satisfactory Mode of Displaying Courage
and Military Skill

20.--A Mistake that had Nearly Cost Major Potter his Life

21.--The Happiest Way of Settling a Difference

22.--The Least Expensive Way of Manufacturing Heroes

23.--Which Treats of a Party of Yachters Met on the Sound

24.--A Remarkable Interview between the Renowned Major Roger Potter
and the Commander of the Fleet

25.--A Small Accident which had well nigh Lost the Renowned Major all
His Reputation for Gallantry

26.--Major Roger Potter's Grand Reception in New York, and How he was
Fairly Suffocated with the Attentions of Our Aldermen

27.--What was Said and Done when the Renowned Major Potter Arrived at
the Great St. Nicholas Hotel

28.--A Remarkable Mayor of the City; how he Received the Major,
Exchanged Speeches, and was Serenaded, to the Great Delight of
Politicians and Vagabonds in general

29.--Wherein is Pleasantly Related how Major Roger Potter was Found
Almost Suffocated

30.--How to Regulate the Good Conduct of Young Gentlemen Entering the
"Century Club."

31.--How the Landlord of the Astor pursued the Renowned Major with a
Small Bill

32.--A Queer Account of How the Major got into Debt to the Landlord
of the Astor

33.--How the Major became a General, and Joined the Young American
Banking House of Pickle, Prig & Flutter

34.--A Remarkable Showman, and what was Done with the Intelligent Pig

35.--Two Great Generals, and an Amusing Account of the Very
Unmilitary Predicament they were Found in on the Morning of the
Review

36.--The Story of a very Learned Critic, together with other Queer
and Interesting Matters, all of which took place at the New York
Hotel

37.--A Chapter on Military Politicians and Critics, all of which is
set down in Writing by Mr. Orlando Tickler, one of the Order

38.--Major Roger Potter Engages to get the Kingdom of Kalorama for
us, and Prepares to Depart for Washington, to Procure the Mission
promised him by the Government

39.--A Remark or two concerning our Grand Opera House

40.--How certain Well-Known Adepts and Office-Seekers were Alarmed at
General Roger Potter's Arrival in Washington

41.--An Adept of the Name of Ben Stretcher, and what He Does for
those who Stand in Need of His Services

42.--Which Records the Singular Character of the Application made by
General Roger Potter for an Office, and how he is sent Minister to
the King of the Kaloramas, that being the Easiest Method of Getting
Rid of Him

43.--Which Records how the General Got His Commission, and Returned
to New York, with Other Things Common to Politicians

44.--General Roger Potter gets a Mission, and Returns to New York,
with the Loss of his Secretary, Mr. Tickler

45.--An Affair of Gallantry that had Nearly Cost Mr. Tickler his
Life, an event that would have been a Serious Loss to the Nation;
also, the Story of Leon and Linda, as Told by the Critic

46.--The Renowned General Potter takes his Departure as Minister
Plenipotentiary for Kalorama; as, also, a True and Accurate Account
of What Took Place when the Ship Crossed the Line. To which is Added
the Sad History of Spark Island

47.--Which Describes the Rejoicing that Took Place when the General
Landed at Buzabub, on the Coast of Kalorama

48.--How the Renowned General Potter Spent a Night Among the Dead

49.--Sorry Trials of a Great Minister Plenipotentiary, all of which
arise from his Ignorance of the Language spoken at Court

50.--The Journey to Nezub; as, also, a Curious Conversation which
took place between Minister Potter and his Secretary

51.--In which is Minutely Described an Entirely New and Most
Extraordinary Mode of Punishing Ministers and Secretaries of
Legation

52.--Things which the Author Ventures to Assert Cannot Fail to Amuse
and Instruct the Reader

53.--How the Renowned General Potter had an Army of Vagabonds sent
him, and how the Terrible Battle of the Banana Hills was Fought
Without Bloodshed

54.--An Amusing Result of a Great Battle

55.--Which Recounts how General Potter Condemned the Priests to Ride
Asses Three Times a Day, as a Good Enough Punishment for their
Intriguing; also, a Plain and Unvarnished Account of the
ever-Memorable Battle of "The Miracle," in which Old Battle, the
Greatest War Horse of these times, Lost his Life

56.--An Amusing Quarrel, which Arose Concerning the Government of
Kolorama

57.--Which Treats of How the Ruler of a Kingdom was Carried Off into
Captivity on a Mule, and how he Escaped from the Priests

58.--An Account of how the Renowned General Potter stole the Hat and
Mule of a Poor Priest, that he might go in Search of his Straying
Army

59.--The Vagaries of Mr. Tickler, Secretary and Critic to General
Roger Potter. He Relates the Story of Angelio

60.--The Last and Most Melancholy Chapter in this Eventful History,
and wherein will be found one the Most Truthful Accounts of a
Warrior Returning Home Without a Kingdom, and in a Pelting Rain






THE ADVENTURES OF MAJOR ROGER SHERMAN POTTER.

CHAPTER I.

WHICH TREATS OF THINGS NOT PARTICULARLY INTERESTING, AND MIGHT HAVE
BEEN OMITTED WITHOUT PREJUDICE TO THIS HISTORY.





CAPE COD, you must know, gentle reader, is my bleak native home, and
the birth-place of all the most celebrated critics. The latter fact
is not generally known, and for the reason that the gentry composing
that fraternity acknowledge her only with an excess of reluctance.
Her poets and historians never mention her in their famous works;
her blushing maidens never sing to her, and her novelists lay the
scenes of their romances in other lands. One solitary poet was
caught and punished for singing a song to her sands; but of her
codfish no historian has written, though divers malicious writers
have declared them the medium upon which one of our aristocracies is
founded. But I love her none the less for this.

It was a charming evening in early June. I am not disposed to state
the year, since it is come fashionable to count only days. With my
head supported in my left hand, and my elbow resting on my knee, I
sat down upon the beach to listen to the music of the tide. Curious
thoughts crowded upon my mind, and my fancy soared away into another
world. The sea was bright, the breeze came soft and balmy over the
land, and whispered and laughed. My bosom heaved with melting
emotions; and had I been skilled in the art of love, the mood I was
in qualified me for making it. The sun in the west was sinking
slowly, the horizon was hung with a rich canopy of crimson clouds,
and misty shadows played over the broad sea-plain, to the east. Then
the arcades overhead filled with curtains of amber and gold; and the
sight moved me to meditation. My soul seemed drinking in the
beauties nature was strewing at the feet of her humblest, and,
perhaps, most unthankful creatures. Then the scene began to change;
and such was its gently-stealing pace that I became moved by
emotions my tongue had no power to describe. The more I thought the
more I wondered. And I sat wondering until Dame Night drew her dusky
curtains, and the balconies of heaven filled with fleecy clouds, and
ten thousand stars, like liquid pearls, began to pour their soft
light over the land and sea. Then the "milky way" came out, as if to
take the moon's watch, and danced along the serene sky, like a
coquette in her gayest attire.

How I longed for a blushing maiden to tune her harp, or chant her
song, just then! Though I am the son of a fisherman, I confess I
thought I heard one tripping lightly behind me, her face all warm
with smiles. It was but a fancy, and I sighed while asking myself
what had induced it. Not a brook murmured; no willows distilled
their night dews; birds did not make the air melodious with their
songs; and there were no magnolia trees to shake from their locks
those showers of liquid pearls which so bedew the books of our lady
novelists. True, the sea became as a mirror, reflecting argosies of
magic sails, and the star-lights tripped, and danced, and waltzed
over the gently undulating swells. A moment more and I heard the
tide rips sing, and the ground swell murmur, as it had done in my
childhood, when I had listened and wondered what it meant. The sea
gull, too, was nestling upon the bald sands, where he had sought
rest for the night, and there echoed along through the air so
sweetly, the music of a fisherman's song; and the mimic surf danced
and gamboled along the beach, spreading it with a chain of
phosphorous light, over which the lanterns mounted on two stately
towers close by threw a great glare of light: and this completed the
picture.

While contemplating the beauties before me, I was suddenly seized
with a longing for fame. It was true I had little merit of my own,
but as it had become fashionable at this day for men without merit
to become famous, the chance for me, I thought, was favorable
indeed. I contemplated my journey in quest of fame, and resolved
never to falter. "Fame," I mused, "what quality of metal art thou
made of, that millions bow down and worship thee?" And all nature,
through her beauties, seemed returning an answer, and I arose from
my reverie, and wended my way toward the cabin of my aged parents. A
bright light streamed from one of the windows, serving as my beacon.
I had not gone far before Fame, I thought, replied for herself, and
said: "Know, son of a fisherman, that I am a capricious goddess; at
least, I am so called by the critics. And they, being adepts in deep
knowledge, render verdicts the world must not dispute. I have the
world for my court: my shrine is everywhere, and millions worship at
it. Genius, learning, and valor, are my handmaids. I have great and
good men for my vassals; and upon them it affords me comfort to
bestow my gifts. I seek out the wise and the virtuous, and place
garlands of immortality upon their heads; I toy with my victims, and
then hurl them into merited obscurity. Little men most beset me,
most hang about my garments, and sigh most for my smiles. The rich
man would have me build monuments to his memory; the ambitious poor
man repines when I forget him. Novel-writing damsels, their eyes
bedimmed with bodkin shaped tears, and their fingers steeled with
envious pens it seems their love to dip in gall, cast longing looks
at me. Peter Parley, and other poets, have laid their offerings low
at my feet. I have crowned kings and emperors; and I have cast a
favor to a fool. With queens and princes have I coquetted, and
laughed when they were laid in common dust. I have dragged the
humble from his obscurity, and sent him forth to overthrow kingdoms
and guard the destinies of peoples. Millions have gone in search of
me; few have found me. Great men are content with small favors;
small men would, being the more ambitious of the two, take me all to
themselves. Millions have aspired to my hand; few have been found
worthy of it. Editors, critics, chambermaids and priests, (without
whom we would have no great wars,) annoy me much. I am generous
enough to forgive them, to charge their evil designs to want of
discretion, to think the world would scarce miss them, and certainly
could get along well enough without them.

"In my halcyon days there appeared before me one Æneas, who was
great of piety, which he laid at my feet, soliciting only a smile.
After him came Hector, whom I condoled for his misfortunes. Upon the
head of Achilles, who sought the smallest favor, I placed a garland.
Eurylas, a man of large friendship; and Alexander, who was known
among the nations for his liberality; and Cæsar, who had some valor;
and Trajan, whose probity no one doubted; and Topirus, a man of
great fidelity; and Cato, of whom it was said that he had some
wisdom-these came, and in humility bowed before me and accepted my
offering. For the delight and instruction of future generations, I
have had their names written on the pages of history, which is the
world's gift. And this was an age of the past.

"Then the age of modern poetry and oratory came in with one
Shakspeare, and a friend of his of the name of Bacon. And it went
out with Sheridan, and one Pitt, and a queer man of the name of
Byron, whose name I have written in letters of gold, and have placed
where envious bishops cannot take it down, though they build ladders
of lawn. I will watch over it, and it shall be bright when kings and
bishops are forgotten.

"Then there came the age of Washington; which was a new age, in a
new world, with new glories and new men, whose names I have
enshrined for the study of the young, the old, the great, and the
good. On Jefferson's brow I laid a laurel that shall be green in all
coming time; and the memories of Webster, Clay, and Calhoun shall
long wear my mantle, for they won it worthily.

"Latterly, I have been much annoyed by one Benton, who, being a man
of much light and shade, climbs my ladder only to break it down, and
is for ever mounting dragons he cannot ride. If I shake him from my
skirts to-day, he will to-morrow meet me upon the highway, and
charge me with ingratitude. Dancing-girls and politicians beset me
on all sides, reminding me that, without them, the world would go to
ruin. Political parsons and milliners daily make war upon me. And
singing women, and critics who herald their virtues for pennies,
threaten to plunder me of my glories. And, though I am not a vain
dame, many of these think me as cheaply bought as their own praise.

"I would not have you mourn over the age of poetry and oratory, for
that also is of the past. You must not forget that it is become
fashionable for men to give themselves to the getting of gold, which
they pursue with an avidity I fear will end in the devil getting all
their souls. You, son of a fisherman, shall be the object of my
solicitude. Go out upon the world; be just to all, nor withhold your
generosity from those who are worthy of it. Be sure, too, that you
make the objects of your pursuit in all cases square with justice.
Let your purposes be unvarying, nor be presumptuous to your equals.
Beware lest you fall into the company of boisterous talking and
strong drinking men, such as aspire to the control of the nation at
this day; and, though they may not have been many months in the
country, kindly condescend to teach us how to live. Also let those
who most busy themselves with making presidents for us keep other
company than yours, for their trade is a snare many a good man has
been caught in to his sorrow."

And Fame, I thought, continued discoursing to me in this manner
until I reached the cabin of my father, when she bid me good night
and departed. I entered the cabin and found my father, who was bent
with age, sitting by the great fire-place, mending his nets. My
mother was at her wheel, spinning flax. She was a tidy little body,
of the old school. Her notions of the world in general were somewhat
narrow and antiquated; while the steeple-crown cap she wore on her
head so jauntily, and her apron of snow-white muslin, that hung so
neatly over a black silk dress, and was secured about the neck with
a small, crimped collar, gave her an air of cheerfulness the sweet-
ness of her oval face did much to enhance. My father, whose face and
hands were browned with the suns of some sixty summers, had a touch
of the patriarch about him. He often declared the world outside of
Cape Cod so wicked as not to be worth living in. He was short of
figure, had flowing white hair, a deeply-wrinkled brow, and
corrugated lips, and blue eyes, over-arched with long, brown
eyelashes. My mother ran to me, and my father grasped me firmly by
the hand, for he was not a little concerned about my stay on the
beach. Indeed, I may as well confess, that he regarded me as a
wayward youth, over whom it was just as well to exercise a guardian
hand. In his younger days he had been what was called extremely good
looking, a quality he frequently told me I had inherited, and from
which he feared I might suffer grievous harm, unless I exercised
great caution when divers damsels he had a jealous eye upon
approached me. My mother was less jealous of my exploits among the
sex, which she rather encouraged.

Another cause of anxiety with my father was the fact that I had
written a "Life and Times" of Captain Seth Brewster; which work,
though the hero was a fisherman, reached a sale of forty thousand
copies, put money in my pocket, and made me the pet of all the
petticoats round about. It was not unnatural, then, that my father,
with his peculiar turn of mind, should set me down as being
partially insane. I had also manufactured several very
highly-colored verses in praise of Cape Cod; and these my publisher,
who was by no means a tricky man, said had made a great stir in the
literary world. And his assertion I found confirmed by the critics,
who, with one accord, and without being paid, declared these verses
proof that the author possessed "a rare inventive genius." The
meaning of this was all Hebrew to me. My mother suggested that it
might be a figure of speech copied from Chaldean mythology.

Another cause of alarm for my morals, in the eyes of my father, was
the fact of my having made two political speeches. And these,
according to divers New York politicians, had secured Cape Cod to
General Pierce. And, as a reward for this great service, and to the
end of illustrating in some substantial manner (so it is written at
this day) their appreciation of a politician so distinguished, I was
waited upon by a delegation of the before-named politicians, (two of
whom came slightly intoxicated,) who had come, as they said, to
tender to me an invitation to visit New York. A public reception by
the Mayor and Council; a grand banquet at Tammany Hall; the honor of
being made one of its Sachems; free apartments and two charming
serenades at the New York Hotel; and divers suppers at very
respectable houses, were temptingly suggested as an inducement for
me to come out and take a prominent position. Indeed, such were the
representations of this distinguished delegation, that I began to
think the people of New York singularly rich and liberal, seeing
that they trusted their surplus money in the hands of persons who
were so loose of morals that they could find no other method of
spending it than suppering and serenading men of my obscure stamp.

But if my father was alarmed lest my morals should suffer by these
temptations, my mother would have answered to heaven for my virtue,
though a dozen damsels were setting snares for me. And this will be
shown in the next chapter.






CHAPTER II.

WHICH TREATS OF HOW I LEFT MY NATIVE CAPE, AND SUNDRY OTHER MATTERS.





I HAD no sooner disclosed to my father my musings with Fame, and the
aspirations she had excited in me, than he went right into a
passion, and set me down as extravagant and mad. He had entertained
hopes of making me a schoolmaster, perhaps an inspector of fish, in
which office excellent opportunities for increasing one's fortunes
were offered; but I had been rendered quite useless to the parish
ever since the New York politicians had taken me into their favor.
Anybody, he said, might go out upon and know the world, but few had
the courage and daring to grapple with its difficulties. And then,
the world was so wicked that men of reflection instinctively shrank
from it. Notwithstanding my wild, visionary plans, he yet had hopes
of me. But if I sought distinction in the political world, it would
be well not to forget that it had at this day become a dangerous
quicksand, over which a series of violent storms continually heaved.
And these storms, by some mysterious process or other, were
incessantly casting up on the shore of political popularity and
making heroes of men whose virtues were not weighty enough to keep
them at the bottom. "Be an humble citizen, my son," said he: "learn
to value a quiet life. You are not given to loud and boisterous
talking, to lying, or to slandering; which things, at this day, are
essential to political success. Worthy and well disposed persons are
too much afraid of being drowned in the violence of the storm
politicians with shallow brains and empty pockets create, by their
anxiety to take the affairs of the nation into their own keeping.
Remember, too, that if you fail in the object of your ambition (and
you are not vagabond enough to succeed), the remotest desert will
not hide you from the evil designs of your enemies. You may seek
some crystal stream; you may let your tears flow with its waters;
but such will not lighten your disappointment, for the persecuted
heart is no peace-offering to the political victor. Politically
vanquished; and you are like an unhappy lover who seeks him a rural
deity and sings his complaints to the winds. Your eye will become
jealous at the fortunes of others, but your sighs over the cruelty
of what you are pleased to call human imperfections will not bring
back your own. Stay quietly at home, my son, and if you cannot be a
schoolmaster, chance may one day turn you up President of these
United States. Let your insanity for writing books not beguile you
into crime; and above all, I would enjoin you, my son, never to
write the 'Life and Character' of an in-going President, for then,
to follow the fashion of the day, and make for him a life that would
apply with equal truth to King Mancho, or any one of his sable
subjects, will be necessary that you write him down the hero of
adventures he never dreamed of, and leave out the score of
delinquincies his real life is blemished with. If you do this, wise
men will set you down a scribbler for charity's sake."

Thus spoke my venerable father. But I remembered that he had several
times before said that if I would so square my morals as to become
in favor with the matronly portion of the parish he would even try
and make a parson of me, which was, in his opinion, a promotion
still higher than schoolmaster. Having got a parish, and chosen the
richest damsel of the flock for my wife, there was nothing to hinder
me from snapping my fingers at the world and its persecutions.

My father, I would here observe, in justice to his memory, was much
given to the study of religion, and would not unfrequently invite to
his house the parson of a neighboring village, that he might debate
with him on matters appertaining to the creed, which he had been
thirty years narrowing down to the finest point. And yet he always
kept a vigilant eye to his worldly affairs, nor ever let a man get
the better of him in a bargain. Indeed it was said of him that
though he had not been to sea for many a day he so linked himself to
the fortunes of his neighbors as to secure a large share of the
bounty so generously paid by our government. That there was nothing
in this inconsistent with his love of true religion my father was
assured by the parson, who held that worldly possessions in no wise
blunted the appetite for redemption; and that even bill-discounting
quakers, with their bags of gold on their backs, would not find the
gates of heaven shut to them. And as the parson was a man of great
learning, though small of figure, and very curatical in his features
and dress, his opinions were in high favor with the villagers, among
whom he had given it out that he was a graduate of Yale and Harvard,
both of which celebrated institutions had conferred high honors upon
him. This high throwing of the parson's lasso getting abroad atoned
for innumerable antiquated and very dull sermons, for the delivery
of which he would excuse himself to his private friends by saying
that his salary was but four hundred dollars a year, one third of
which he took in No. 2 mackerel no one would buy of him. He was
excessively fussy; and if he advocated temperance to-day, he would
to-morrow take a sly smash, never forgetting to add that it was
recommended by his physician, who was likewise a man of great
learning. Under the influence of this medicine, it was said, by
malicious people, which no parish is with--out, that if the occasion
demanded a serious sermon he was sure to preach one that would send
all the young folks of his congregation into a titter. If the
occasion was such as to tolerate a little humor, he was sure to send
them all into a melancholy mood with the gravity of his remarks. In
fine, he was sure to be on the opposite side of everything natural.
The only question he was not quite sure it would do to get upon, was
the slavery question. And for this he always excused himself by
saying that there were many others in the same condition. It would
not do to be in the desert, hence he inclined to the policy of our
fashionable clergy, who are extremely cautious not to steer too
close to questions not popular enough to be profitably espoused. If
Parson Stebbins (for such was his name) let drop a few words in
favor of freedom to-day, Obadiah Morgan, the most influential member
of his church, would to-morrow politely withdraw. A word or two
complimentary of the South and her peculiar institutions was equally
sure to find him taken to task by the philanthropic females of his
parish. In truth, he could approach neither side of the question
without finding a fire in his rear. And as his empty pocket would
not allow him to rise to independence, he resolved to preach to that
portion of his church which was content to let the slavery question
take care of itself.

The parson joined my father in his endeavors to shake the resolution
I had taken, and said many things concerning the snares set by the
wicked world, and how easy it was for an ardent youth like myself to
fall into them, that grievously annoyed my mother; for, as I have
said before, she had great faith in my virtue, and so doted on me
that she had a ready excuse for all my follies. Indeed, she would
often smile at the combined alarm of my father and the parson,
saying she held it infinitely better that a youth like myself go out
upon the world in search of distinction, for therein lay the
virtue of his example. Children were born to the world; if they had
daring enough to go out upon it and battle with it, the parson's
advice to stay at home was unnecessary. You could not make human
things divine; and, to expect miracles from saints now-a-days, or
truth from critics, or liberality from parsons, was like looking for
reason in our "current literature."

When my father found that I was, in spite of the admonitions of the
parson, resolved on setting out, and that he was confronted by the
strong opposition of my mother, he gave up in despair, telling me
whatever befell me, not to look to him for succor. My mother, on the
other hand, gave herself up to my preparation for the journey with
so much ardor, that she for several days almost wholly neglected the
regulation of her domestic affairs. My precious new suit of black,
in which I had adorned myself on Sundays, and, not a little vain of
my appearance, shone out at church, was got out and brushed, and
then nicely packed away in my valise, which likewise contained an
ample supply of unmentionables, and homemade shirts, and stockings,
and other articles appertaining to the wardrobe of an adventurous
young man. My mother also exercised a wise discretion in the
selection of such books as she thought would afford me "maxims of
guidance," as she called it, through the world. A pocket Bible, and
a small volume of the "Select Edition of Franklin's Maxims," a book
in high favor with the good people of the Cape, were got of a
bookseller in Barnstable, a queer wag, who had got rich by vending a
strange quality of literature and taking fish in exchange. In
addition to these good books provided by my mother, I was careful
not to forget my "Polite Speech Maker," a book which I confess to
have studied much. In truth, like many distinguished members of
Congress, I am indebted to it for my great political popularity.
Resolved as I am that this history shall never swerve from the
truth, I would sincerely recommend a study of the "Polite Speech
Maker" to all juvenile politicians, dealers in liquor, editors of
three-cent newspapers, and learned litterateurs, whose names,
according to sundry malicious writers, it is come the fashion of the
day to reflect in one mirror.

In the "Polite Speech Maker" will be found such sentences as "the
tranquilized glory of our glorious country," and "the undying
beauties, that starry emblem, our flag, awakens in our heart of
hearts;" and sundry others, equally abstruse, but no less essential
to the objects of primary meetings. The author of this invaluable
work is my learned friend and very erudite scholar, Dr. Easley. And
as some readers hold the study of an author of much more importance
than his book, I may be excused for saying here that no one can take
up one and forget the other, since literature, as is there set
forth, was never before either blessed or encumbered with so great a
doctor.

My library and outfit being complete, my mother, having provided me
with a yellow waistcoat and white plush hat out of her private
purse, gave an evening party in honor of my departure. Parson
Stebbins, the doctor of a neighboring village, (not Easley, for he
had set up his fortunes in New York,) and sundry bright-eyed damsels
of my acquaintance, were invited, and came accompanied by their
sturdy parents. The last jar of jam and applesauce was stormed, the
two fattest pullets in the yard brought to the block, choice mince
and pumpkin pies were propounded, three dollars were expended upon a
citron cake such as Cape Cod had never seen before, and no less than
a dozen bottles of Captain Zeke Brewster's double refined cider was
got of Major Cook, the grocer. Stronger beverages were held in
questionable respect by the Cape folks. My mother did, indeed, busy
herself for nearly two days in the preparation of this supper,
declaring at the same time that she would not be outdone by any
housewife this side of Barnstable at least. Nor did she heed my
father, who continued the while muttering his misgivings.

The stars shone out bright on the night of the party, which passed
off to the delight of every one present. The fowls, and the pies,
and the jam and apple-sauce, and a dish of tea the parson declared
could not be excelled, were all discussed with great cheerfulness.
My father, as was his custom, drew his chair aside after supper, and
engaged two of his guests in religious conversation, while the
doctor and the parson got into a corner, and soon became deeply
absorbed in a question of law, which they debated over the cider.

No sooner had my mother set her table to rights than she, with an
air of motherly watchfulness, drew her chair beside the damsels,
with whom I was exchanging the gossip of the Cape, and entered
cheerfully into our conversation.

More than one of the bright eyed and ruddy cheeked damsels gave out
hints that led me to believe they would have accompanied me on my
journey and shared the fortunes of my career. Nor did their hints
disturb my mother, whose mind was too pure to conceive their
attentions aught else than blessings. And thus, with an abundance of
good cheer, and the interchange of those civilities so common to
villagers, and the singing of an orthodox hymn or two, in which my
father joined, while the doctor and the parson continued their
discussion over the cider, passed one of those rustic evening
parties so characteristic of Cape Cod.

Half-past nine o'clock arrived, and it being an hour of bedtime
religiously kept by the villagers, the bright eyed damsels and their
chaperons, each in turn, shook me warmly by the hand, congratulated
my mother on having a son so daring, lisped words of encouragement
in my ear, and took an affectionate leave. Among them there was one
Altona Marabel, the daughter of a worthy fisherman. This damsel had
a face of exquisite beauty; and her great lustrous eyes and blushing
cheeks had caused me many a sigh. And now I saw that her heart beat
in unison with mine, for the words good-by hung reluctant upon her
lips. Nay, more, she would have sealed the love she bore me with a
tear, for as she shook my hand it came like a pearl in her eye, and
she wiped it away lest it write the tale of her heart upon the
crimson of her cheek.

Neither the doctor nor the parson were disturbed at the departure of
the rest of the company; for they continued to praise the quality of
the cider and debate the question of law until my father went into a
deep sleep, from which he was disturbed by the parson, who, in
response to an invitation from the doctor, commenced singing a song
for the entertainment of my mother. Such joviality was uncommon with
the parson, and so surprised and astonished my father, that he
intimated to the doctor that it would not be amiss to get him home.
Being something of a wag, the doctor intended to vanquish the parson
with the cider, and then perform certain mischievous tricks with his
features. But this my father, who was not given to sporting with the
weaknesses of others, prevented, by ordering my mother to lock up
the six remaining bottles. "We might debate the question until
daylight, but I could not convince you," spake the parson, rising
from his chair on finding the bottles empty, and rather fussily
adjusting his spectacles, "it is not expected that law is a part of
your profession."

The doctor being a well bred and courteous man, bowed and held his
peace. Indeed, he saw that the parson's intellect was somewhat
deranged; hence he held it more becoming a Christian to tender his
services in conducting him to his home, which was some two miles
off. The parson now took me by the hand, and having looked me in the
eye steadily for nearly a minute, addressed me as follows: "You,
young man, I am afraid, have got a dangerous turn of mind. Many is
the young man that has been hurried to destruction by a too daring
and adventurous spirit. But if your resolution to go out upon the
world in search of fame is not to be shaken by anything I say, then
I would enjoin you always to so fence up your character that the
devil and slander-loving editors cannot pick holes in it. Pray much.
Let no one tempt you with mild drinks, for such only lead to the
taking of stronger ones. Go regularly to church, but let not your
eyes fall upon the faces of pretty women so that your ears be sealed
to the sermon. Never make love to another man's wife. Remember this
when you are a great man, for with them it is become a fashion. Let
ruffians go their own way. Let gentlemen be your companions, and
never fail to show them that you can at least be their equal in
courteous demeanor. Always pay your washerwoman; be not ashamed to
acknowledge your father, and remember that the fonder you speak of
your mother, the more you will be beloved by strangers. Avoid
politicians, who are come to be great vagabonds, who drink bad
liquor and give their thoughts to base designs against the nation's
gold. If you become great and valorous, historians will no doubt
defame you, and lay crimes of which you were innocent at your door,
as is common with them. But you must bear what they say of you with
Christian fortitude, remembering, always, that it is a delight with
them to tear greatness from its high throne." The parson looked
wisely in my face as he said this, and shook his head warningly.
"Most of all," he continued, "never permit yourself to fall into the
hands of treasury swindlers, money changers, and malicious editors,
who will set you up as the only fit person to be President of these
United States, though you have not a single qualification necessary
to the office. For they, being tricky men, will be sure to let you
down with the same facility they took you up; and when your
ancestors, down to the third and fourth generations are dug up, (as
it has become necessary to do,) and their character, together with
your own, made blacker than the ink they seek to damage one
another's character with, they will be the first to declare they
were mistaken in you-that you were not the man they took you for."

The parson said many other things of a like character, out which I
did not think worth writing down in my memory. He then shook hands
with my mother and father, expressed his surprise at the lateness of
the hour to the doctor, and took his leave, meeting with a strange
mishap on his way home, which will be related in the next chapter.






CHAPTER III.

IN WHICH IS RELATED A PLEASANT MEETING WITH A RENOWNED MAJOR.





EARLY on the following morning, before the sun had hung the eastern
sky with golden mists, my mother was astir, and in due time had a
plain but substantial breakfast prepared. And, too, I heard my
father muttering his misgivings in an adjoining chamber. My valise,
nicely packed and strapped, stood by the door; this I thought a
contrivance of my father to shake my resolution. Indeed I must
confess that whenever my eye rested upon it, an emotion of regret
moved me, and my fancy filled with an hundred perils that seemed
incident to my career. The earnestness of my mother, however, always
restored me to confidence. Her motto was, never despond, nor sit
idly at home, when fame and fortune are to be gained by going
abroad. She did everything with great cheerfulness of manner, and
though the frosts of fifty winters had made snow-white the hairs of
her head, and plowed their furrows deep into her oval face, there
was a vigor in her action that might have excited the envy of youth.

Though I could not suppress the effect of those reminiscences of
home, which on the eve of departure from it, rise up and disturb the
feelings, no sooner was breakfast over than I shouldered my valise,
and with my father on my left, and my mother on my right, sallied
forth to the garden gate, where we halted before taking a last
parting. The favorite watch-dog, Tray, who had gamboled with me in
my boyhood, and held himself worthy of protecting me in his old
age, followed us, wagging his tail in evident delight at the
prospect of bearing me company. A soft breeze fanned over the beach,
the dew-dripping rose bushes, that lined the green-topped picket
fence, waved their tops to and fro, the sparrows whistled and sung,
and wooed, as if Providence had made them for that alone; and all
nature seemed putting on her gayest attire to inspire me with
resolution.

"My son," said my father, grasping me tightly by the hand, as the
words trembled upon his lips, and the breeze played with his gray
locks, and his eyes filled with tears, "if go you must, be a man in
all things; but heed not the sayings of men who talk loudest of
being your friends."

"Why should he not go, daddy?" replied my mother, who was accustomed
to addressing him in this manner. "Be your own judge of the world,
my son, nor ever think bad of it until you have made your virtues an
example to others, for they who condemn the world most have least to
lay at its door." She then took my hand affectionately, and after
gently rebuking my father for his attempt, as she styled it, to
excite me to melancholy, which she held to be a great enemy to
youth, kissed me and bade me adieu. And I set out, taking the road
to Barnstable. They both leaned over the little gate, and twice
exchanged adieus with me, as I turned to have a last look at all
that had been so dear to my childhood. Faithful old Tray bore me
company, and wagged his tail approvingly, and the rose tree tops, as
I fancied, waved me a God speed; and the wind whispered joyously;
and the birds flirted and sported before me on the sandy road, and
tuned their songs to the temper of my feelings.

Between me and Tray there existed the uninterrupted friendship of a
lifetime, the recollections of which I have sometimes thought of
writing for the benefit of future generations, seeing that to write
one's recollections, (to which may be added the recollections of
others,) is become extremely fashionable. Tray had been my companion
in many an adventure, all of which I thought he at this moment
treasured in his memory, and would have recounted were he possessed
of the power of speech. Having ascended a piece of rising ground,
about a mile from the house, I sat down by the road side, intending
to take leave of him and send him back, according to the request of
my mother. He immediately planted himself close by my side, laid his
great paw incessantly upon my knee, and, with looks of regret, would
have expressed the friendship he bore me with caresses. Indeed there
seemed a hidden goodness in his heart, a nobleness that caused the
current of his friendship to flow with much gentleness, and a
singleness in his mute appeals to my approbation, that I could not
help contrasting with the insincerity of those dogs who go about the
world on two legs, and imagine themselves most valiant when
devouring one another.

After resting for a few minutes, and casting a longing look over the
scene behind me, recalling, as it did, so many old associations, I
told Tray that we must part; and that as he was now well down in
years, perhaps we should never more meet again. He seemed to
understand all I said to him, and, as I patted him gently upon the
head, repaid my friendship by caressing my hand, and turning upon me
several sympathetic looks. On telling him that he must go home, he
hung his head, and drooped his tail, and moved slowly into the road,
several times halting and casting reluctant looks back. Then he
stretched himself down in the sand, and placing his head between his
great paws, watched me out of sight.

Having journeyed about two miles, I reached a cross-road, and saw
approaching one of those great wagons familiarly known in that part
of the country as "tin wagons." It was drawn by an exceedingly lean,
gray horse; and a short, fat man, with a broad, florid face, beaming
with good nature, was mounted upon a high seat, made of a bundle of
sheepskins. He was squint eyed, spacious mouthed, and had a nose
that was flat to the end, which turned up in a short pug. His hair
was of a sandy color, and parted carelessly down the center; and his
dress was of well-worn gray satinet, which sat loosely upon his
rotund figure. His hat, of soft black felt, was drawn well down over
his low forehead, and but for his beard, which was thick and matty,
one might easily have mistaken him for a cross between a Dutch
washerwoman and a pumpkin-bellied quaker.

His team moved along at a measured pace, as if keeping time to the
song he was singing, with great flow of spirits, for his own
entertainment. I waited until he came up, much amused at the manner
in which he every few minutes cracked his big whip. "Stranger!" said
he, in a shrill, squeaking voice, "which way are you
journeying?-what can I do to serve you this morning?" He reined up
his team, and dismounting in a trice, extended his hand with a
heartiness I was surprised to find in a stranger. "Jedediah Smooth,
the renowned fisherman, is my father, and I have set out in search
of fame and fortune," was my reply. At this he set his small, but
searching eyes upon me, and seemed confounded, the cause of which I
was not a little anxious to learn.

"Son of the worthiest of fathers!" he exclaimed, in a voice of great
earnestness, "my delight at meeting one whose fame as a politician
has preceded him, knows no bounds." Again he shook my hand
fervently, as a pleasing delirium seemed to have seized upon his
senses. "Accidents are sometimes equal to conquests," he continued.
"Know, then, that you confront Major Roger Sherman Potter, commonly
called Major Roger Potter. Like a titillation of the fancy, I have
been thrown up and down by the tide of political fortune and
misfortune until I became sickened of it, and resolved to seek
obscurity, and live like an honest man by the sale of tin, and such
wares as the good people of this remote part of the world might have
a demand for. You must not judge me by the calling necessity has now
forced me to follow, for I hold it right, and in strict accordance
with the nature of our institutions, that when fortune forsakes us,
we stand not upon the order of a reputation, which at best is but a
poor thing in time of need, but give ourselves manfully to any labor
by which our hands may preserve the honesty of our heads. It is much
better, I think, than following the fashion of our politicians, who
reward the people who send them to Congress by neglecting their duty
to the country, and studying those arts by which they can
appropriate to themselves the choicest spoils."

The Major now led his team a little out of the road, hung his feed
bag to his horse's head, and while the animal was eating, spread a
sheepskin upon the ground, under some elder bushes, and invited me
to sit down to a plentiful supply of crackers and cheese, to which
he added a quart of cider drawn from a small keg he kept secreted
under his box. He also discovered to me the fact, that in addition
to every variety of tin ware, mop handles, washboards, crimping
moulds, and wooden faucets, he kept a small supply of fourth proof
brandy, which he sold to those who had a want in that line for
winter strained sperm oil, a name convenient enough to suit all
purposes. In truth, the good people of the neighboring villages had
taken so strongly to the temperance cause, that no spiritous
liquors could be got of anybody but the doctor, and then only on a
certificate from the parson, who vouched for your good character,
and set forth that to the best of his belief, it would be used only
as a medicine. And the doctor, who had a scrupulous regard for all
good and well regulated communities, took a joint interest with the
parson, and so raised the price of this sort of medicine as to make
the trade an extremely lucrative one. But as the rich were never
known to be denied, and the poor had not money enough to enjoy so
expensive a cure for their maladies, which were greatest in number,
the popular enactment became not only a grievous, but a very
oppressive monopoly. And this monopoly the major, who esteemed
himself a great public benefactor, sought a cure for in selling for
three shillings a pint, an article equal in quality to that for
which the doctor and the parson demanded ten. But this, he said,
very good naturedly, he was compelled to do on the sly, for though
his customers were principally poor people, if it got noised abroad,
nothing could save him from the fury of a mob of pious and very
orderly people, who would get up town meetings and vote him down an
intolerable nuisance. This done, and the market for his tin pints
and washboards would be closed for ever.

Having refreshed ourselves with the crackers and cheese and cider,
the Major very pleasantly commenced recounting a little affair of
honor he had been called upon to adjust but a few minutes before,
and as he was proud of his skill as a diplomatist, the recital
afforded him an infinite amount of pleasure.

"Parsons and doctors," said he, taking a copious cup of cider, "no
doubt imagine themselves (and they have an undisputed right so to
do) to be the very embodiment of natural benevolence and inviolable
fidelity. But there are things of an opposite nature, to which their
hearts and inclinations are as susceptible as those of the tenderest
virgins. I was pursuing my journey this morning, when 'old Battle,'
my horse, who has smelled powder enough to make his nerves more
steady, pricked up his ears at something he saw in the bushes by the
roadside. Reining him up, I dismounted, and to my great surprise
discovered two well-dressed men fast asleep, locked in each other's
arms. 'Faith of my father!' says I, 'who's here?' A slightly
guttural sound was followed by a hoarse voice answering, 'It's only
me.' And then a lean figure, with two well-blacked eyes, and a face
otherwise disfigured, disconnected itself from its fellow, rose to
its haunches, and stared at me with wild dismay. A white neckcloth,
somewhat besmeared with blood, denoted his profession. On coming to
his senses he aroused his companion, and commenced charging him with
being the cause of the sad plight he was in. Neither seemed to have
a very distinct recollection of the event that had founed them in a
condition so disgraceful to them as respectable citizens; and the
other protested his innocence of any misdemeanor, but was equally at
a loss how to account for the disfigured face of his companion, and
was about charging the whole affair to a dispensation of Providence,
that being the most convenient and fashionable method for disposing
of such things. But the man of the disfigured face, who was no less
a person than Parson Stebbins, (and his companion the doctor, of
whom mention was made in the foregoing chapter,) clung tenaciously
to what he was pleased to call his love of facts, and said he would
come out with it all, that the truth of history might not be
impeached.

"They had been spending the evening at your father's house, and were
regaled with cider of such uncommon strength as to make a deep
impression upon their sensibilities. The doctor declared they
drank nothing stronger, notwithstanding the parson accused him of
having a small flask in his pocket. It was late when they left the
house; and as they had been warmly discussing whether it was right
in the sight of God to hang a woman for killing her drunken husband,
without coming to any decision, they agreed to change the subject to
one of a theological character, it being absolutely necessary that
they have something to debate on their way home. The doctor inquired
of the parson, what he thought of the doctrine held by many popular
divines, that God made Moses and Elijah visible to the Apostles on
the occasion of the transfiguration. The parson, after pausing a few
moments, and remarking that he had a curious feeling in his head,
which seemed to sit unsafely upon his shoulders, replied that the
question was of too abstruse a nature to be debated by any but
members of his own profession, to which it of right belonged. If he
were to speak his mind it would be to give doctors in general no
very high reputation for either morals or religion. 'True history
never gave them much mention; and though Aristotle had treated their
vagaries with great condescension, Cicero never could be got to look
with favor upon them. Yours is a mischievous profession, the members
of which are always seeking the demolition of useful sciences.' This
the parson said in so angry a tone that it excited the pugnacity of
the doctor, who was scrupulous of his profession, and declared he
would not stand by and hear it slandered.

"They had now staggered among some laurel bushes at the side of the
road, when the doctor, having inquired if the parson meant anything
personal, and not receiving an immediate answer, fetched him a blow
that felled him to the ground, and almost simultaneously followed
him. And now so great was his fear of having done him bodily injury,
that he seized him in his arms, and, thus embraced, they had slept
until I disturbed them. Each now commenced giving a confused version
of the affair, criminating and recriminating in a manner that only
served to increase the disgrace to which it attached. The doctor
protested his innocence of the deed, while the parson continued to
discant upon the consequences that would result from the
disfiguration of his features. At the same time they both intimated
their readiness to have me sit in judgment upon their affairs, and
accept my decision as final.

"When they had put on their hats I bid them sit down upon a
moss-covered hillock, and hold their peace. Having done this with
great good nature, I seated myself on an opposite one, and commenced
to deliberate upon their case. The state of debility in which they
had unfortunately found themselves on the previous night must,
doubtless, be put down to the strength of the cider. The debility,
then, being acknowledged, neither could be held accountaable to the
other for acts committed while morally insane. As to the imputation
cast upon the medical profession by the parson, even were it done
when the mind was morally sane, it ought only to be set down to the
natural envy existing among members of different professions, and
was much to be deplored, for instead of one being ambitious to claim
a superiority over the other, they ought to regard themselves
coworkers in equally good causes, and for the advancement of a
common humanity. In order to settle the questions they had attempted
to debate, I proposed that they adopt the rule laid down by our
noisy Congressmen, each being satisfied in his own mind that he had
demolished the arguments of the other, and for ever settled the
question at issue. The battering they had given each other was a
thing of the past. Was it not better then to let a bygone be a
bygone, rather than seek a technical satisfaction, that while it
afforded the public some amusement would only bring themselves a
great deal of pain? They could no more recall the past than they
could make a set of rules for governing the appetites of the people.
There were always simpletons enough to believe that they could be
cured of consumption by taking such nostrums as cod liver oil and
Wistar's Balsam; so also would the world always be pestered with men
simple enough to believe that every man must square his inclinations
to the measure of their own. But one point now remained to be
deliberated upon, and that was how the doctor should atone to the
parson for his damaged face. I, however, soon overcame this, by
suggesting that it would be no more than right, and equally becoming
of a Christian, that the parson accept the doctor's deep regrets in
offset for the injuries he had received in his features. This the
parson, who was not to be outdone in his benevolence of soul,
readily acquiesced in; and thus was saved the trouble of calling in
the aid of a lawyer, who, with no earthly hope of restoring the
broken peace, would have made destructive inroads upon both their
pockets. The two now shook hands, and with expressions of the
highest esteem for each other, thanked me and took their departure
for home."

I had my suspicions that this story was a romance of the Major's own
manufacture; nor were my suspicions dispelled by any subsequent act
of his. And notwithstanding he was ready at all times to redress the
wrongs of thirsty humanity, he kept a sharp eye to the equivalent,
and had an inveterate hatred of all who opposed his free trade
principles, which, in a measure, accounted for the story of the
doctor and the parson. In truth, he had the facility of an Arab for
manufacturing romances, which he used as a means to demolish his
enemies, as will hereafter be shown in this history.






CHAPTER IV.

MAJOR ROGER POTTER RECOUNTS HIS NUMEROUS EXPLOITS IN WAR AND
POLITICS.





HAVING finished the story with great sincerity of manner, the major
commenced to brighten and polish up his face with his handkerchief,
and to pack away his provender. This done, he bridled old Battle,
his horse, arranged his seat of sheepskins, and invited me to mount
and ride with him; for no sooner had I discovered to him the object
of my undertaking than he dubbed himself the luckiest of fellows,
offering to be my companion in arms, and the sharer of my fortunes.
Three loud cracks of the whip, and old Battle started off at a brisk
pace, the major adding that if we made haste we would reach
Barnstable by nightfall. As the wagon rolled over the road, a
cackling noise was kept up, much to my surprise and annoyance; this
I found was caused by a coop of disconsolate chickens, which the
major had bought on speculation, and fastened to the back of his
wagon, intending to make a good thing by selling them for Shanghais
whenever he could find a customer.

"Now, although I know you so well by reputation, you may not have
heard so much of me as many others have. It is no great thing for a
major like me to be engaged in this sort of business, you will
think; but an honest living made by vending tin is better than a
fortune gained by fingering the affairs of the nation. Indeed I have
often thought a man was never so great as when he condescended to
make his living honestly. As you see, I have surrendered myself to
fortune, and am what some would call 'down in the world.' But I have
been up, and made a noise, and will make more when next I get up."
These remarks were delivered with such evident self-conceit, that I
was at a loss how to comprehend their meaning, and asked the major
to explain himself.

After cracking his whip twice or thrice, he resumed, "My father, (he
is gone, God bless him,) was an honest shoemaker in the town of
Barnstable, where I was born and reared. Being poor, he could not
give me much schooling; but we lived comfortably, and enjoyed the
respect of the town people. I assisted him at his trade of making
shoes until I reached the age of two and twenty, being esteemed a
skillful mechanic. Joining the Barnstable Invincibles, a very
disorderly militia company, I was twice elected its captain, which
was considered a very good practical joke, the militia there being
in very bad odor with everybody but the young damsels of the town.
To my military title, then, I owe one of the most fortunate
circumstances of my life-that of getting a wife. And this wife,
though she bore my title the strongest love, was quite as good as I
deserved. In due time we were blessed with one, and then another
little Potter, and I began to thank heaven for making me the
happiest of men. A snug little home was the result of frugality and
industry, and peace reigned in it. But my wife was vain of my
military reputation, which she regarded as a hinge for taking a
higher position in the world. I must tell you that she cut two
clever speeches from an old newspaper, declaring that I must study
them, so that with a few alterations, (an art well understood by our
clergymen and politicians,) I could set up for a public man, making
them apply to all great questions with equal force.

"Wife was of a good, puritanical family, and, as I afterwards had
reason to know, well understood how to push her husband up in the
world. I got the speeches down without the slightest difficulty."
Here the major wet his organs of speech with a little of something
he kept in a small flask he drew from his breast-pocket. "They were
fu l of blaze. In truth, I may say without fear of contradiction,
that a dozen patriots might have found room to roll up in them and
die gloriously. Still, it didn't seem to me much for a man to get a
speech into his head; so, after getting another, I found no
difficulty in getting twenty, all of which were applicable to
general subjects. The Tippecanoe fever then began to spread with
great virulency, and such was the power of its contagion that John
Crispin threw away his lapstone, and Peter Vulcan hung up his anvil,
and both went about the country delivering themselves of great
speeches, with which they deluded the simple-minded villagers, who
forced greatness upon them at every step. And so forcibly did the
opinion that they were great men take root with the good natured
mass, that the great men of the newspapers, and the kind-hearted
critics, who are greater, seconded the opinion, and set them down
for wonders. The ambition of my wife now knew no bounds. She
insisted that I should go to the next political meeting, and then
and there deliver one of the speeches I had got into my head, and
which I had twice spoken before her, that the variations might be
squared to the occasion. My shoe bench I sold for a trifle, and my
pegs and awls were consigned to the children for playthings. The
Tippecanoe side of politics being the most popular, as well as
profitable, I tied to it at once; and on going to the "Coon-meeting"
surprised and astonished every one with the power and arguments of
my speech. I may indeed humbly say, I flashed into greatness with
the quickness of lightning. Neither Cicero nor Lycurgus were ever,
in their day, thought so well of by the multitudes. It got noised
about that Webster would have to give up to me. And I am sure that
if the elder Adams or Jefferson had been living, they would have
been set down by the editors, in the gravest sentences they were
capable of penning, as mere shadows in comparison."

Here the major paused to make room for the Provincetown stage; a
great yellow coach, full of passengers, which we had come upon
suddenly. The driver of the stage, not liking the slow pace in which
old Battle was proceeding to make room for him, laid his whip
briskly over his haunches, quickening his movements, but driving the
major into a furious passion. The sudden twitch landed us both upon
the sandy road, under the pile of sheepskins we had used for a seat.
In this dilemma the major called loudly for assistance, swearing
that if the stage driver would but stop he would give him battle to
his satisfaction. This only served to increase the mirth of the
passengers, who rather encouraged their mischievous driver, now
looking round and making grimaces at his adversary. The major,
however, was not long in extricating himself from the sheepskins,
when, for want of a better weapon, he seized a string of tin pints,
and running as fast as his short legs would carry him, hurled them
one after another at the stage coach. Ceasing to afford the
passengers this amusement only when his wind gave out, the major
swore by his military reputation that if they would only give him an
opportunity he would whip the stageload before breakfast, and think
it a mere trifle. The coach now rolled out of sight, and the major
sat down by the road side to contemplate the loss of his tin cups,
which like spilled apples, were strewn along the sand. It would not
do to suffer so great a loss, so he girded up his nether garments,
and commenced picking up his cups, lamenting their bruises as he
strung them upon his string. Finding that we sustained no other loss
than that of the major's temper, I set his team to rights, and,
having mounted the sheepskins, we were ready to proceed on our
journey. "Such an insult as that offered to me when I was in the
Mexican war," said he, mounting over the wheel with one of those
expletives much used among soldiers, "and I had demolished the lot
at a stroke of my sword. Zounds! why can't stage drivers be
gentlemen?"

This was the first intimation I had had of his being a hero of the
Mexican war. Regaining his good humor soon after, I resigned him the
reins, and he desired me to tell him at what point of his story he
had been interrupted. Having done this, he resumed its thread as old
Battle jogged on at his usual slow pace. "I now took up the trade of
politics," he continued, "and went about the country, making
speeches and demolishing everything that came in my way. I had ideas
enough for any number of speeches, no matter what the length might
be; but the evil was how to put the sentences together. I could make
points such as Cicero and Lycurgus never thought of; as for
patriotism, there was no trouble about that. I had a dozen platforms
at my fingers' ends, and could move an audience equal to Lamartine.
Here then was my game, and at it I made a nice thing. The editor of
the "Provincetown Longbow," who was celebrated for making at least
two Cabinet ministers a day, declared to his readers that it was
lucky for the era that my great wisdom had been discovered; that it
would be a great wrong in General Harrison to offer me any less
office than Secretary of State. The "Barnstable Pocketbook," a
clever little sheet, edited by Miss Holebrook, who snapped her
political whip in the teeth of the town, and had come off conqueror
in many a tilt with editors in breeches, was willing to compromise
with he of the Longbow, by assuring its readers that only two years'
study of law would make me an excellent judge of the Supreme Court.
These well bestowed encomiums, (as I think they are called,) so
elated my wife that she speedily took to giving tea parties, to
which all the majors and generals of the town were invited. And as
they demolished the hospitality of her teacups they made her believe
the nation never could get along unless I had two fingers in its
affairs.

"My children, before as distasteful as the butter one gets in New
York hotels, were now so sweet that the whole town wanted to kiss
them. And the parson, who had scarcely been known to say, 'how do
you do, Mrs. Potter,' now made his calls so frequent, and his bows
so gracious, that the neighbors said it would be as well to have an
eye out. I got fifteen dollars and my feed, for each speech. Now and
then an inspired soul threw in an extra five. So that at the end of
two months I had funds enough to establish a bank in Wall street,
with three branches in the country. My credit, too, received an
unlimited extension. And this my wife took advantage of to new
furnish the house and haberdash the little Potters. I contented
myself with drawing on the tailor for two suits of his best
broadcloth, such as would appertain to a politician so
distinguished. But in truth I must confess, without blushing, that
my wife was not long in contracting debts a richer man would have
found difficulty in paying.

"However, having cleared away all doubts and elected Harrison, whom
I was careful to see safe into the arms of the people, my friends
all advised me to set out for Washington, where such abilities as I
had discovered could not fail of being rewarded by the government
they had so ably served.

"As a military title was held indispensable to the success of a
politician, the Barnstable Invincibles elected me Major, an honor
which could not be overlooked by the politicians at Washington,
whose business it is to give offices and save the Union. So, with
the praises of two newspapers and the well-wishes of the town, I set
out for Washington, believing that the chief magistrate, in the
exercise of his great wisdom, would reward me with at least a
foreign mission."






CHAPTER V.

WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE MAJOR FELL AMONG POLITICIANS AND OTHER NEW
YORK VAGABONDS.





HAVING paused a few moments to moisten his lips, for the day was
excessively warm, the Major spoke a few encouraging words to old
Battle, and resumed his story.

"If wisdom becometh the great, money is not to be despised by the
politician, I thought. So, having stocked my purse with not less
than two hundred dollars, I arrived safely in New York and put up at
the Astor House, an hotel in high favor with ex-secretaries and
dilapidated politicians, inasmuch as the worthy landlord accepts the
honor of their being guests of his house in satisfaction of his
bills. It was night when I arrived, and the splendor and strangeness
of everything around bewildered and confused me so much, that I
forgot to put the prefix of 'Major' to my name, when I registered it
in the big book. And this single omission had the effect of
consigning me to an attic room in the ninth story. Having intimated
an objection to this lofty position, the polite waiter said it was
the most convenient room in the house, since, in case of a fire
breaking out I could use the sky-light, and, having gained the roof,
would be rescued by the firemen with their scaling ladders; whereas,
a lower position would render me liable to be blockaded and devoured
by the rush of flames. I told the polite waiter, who was a gifted
Irishman, and though not four months in the country, had taken to
politics like a rat to good cheese, that he was entitled to my
thanks for the information. An intimation, however, that I was a
Major of some renown, surprised the gifted Irishman not a little.
That he conveyed the news to my worthy host I had not a doubt, since
on the following day I was removed to a spacious room on the second
story.

"On descending to the great supper room, I was accosted by one
General John Fopp, of the Tippecanoe Club, who congratulated me on
my safe arrival in the city. Being extremely easy in his manners,
and apparently ready to render me services of no mean importance, I
invited him to join me in a cup of tea, which invitation he was not
slow to accept. Being much impressed with his dignity of manner, and
the glibness with which he discoursed upon the events of the last
campaign, I listened to him with profound respect. He said he would
see that my name was duly chronicled in the newspapers, not a few of
which he assured me he had full control over. In fine, nothing that
could serve the interests of one who had made himself so famous
during the late campaign was to be left undone. He knew every speech
I had made by heart, as he said; and he had the name of every town I
had been in at his fingers' ends. Indeed, so varied were his
accomplishments, that I at once set him down for one of those great
men, in the possession of whom New York is more fortunate than her
sister cities, and of whose merits strangers, for divers reasons,
have had occasion to speak with great confidence.

"When the newspapers had faithfully recorded my arrival and given an
undoubted history of my doings in politics, I was to be introduced
to the Collector and Postmaster, both of whom, though differing with
me on great national questions, would receive me as became gentle-
men. The Mayor, too, would receive me at the City Hall, in presence
of the Common Council, and review the police, which body of men had
become, under the new order of things, more devoted to beards and
brandy than the good order of the city. He said I must be careful
not to accept the invitations of councilmen to drink, for they were
sure to saddle the payment upon their guest, to say nothing of their
lately adopted art of making invitations a means of supplying their
own wants in the article of liquor. And as drinking had become their
most distinguishing characteristic, perhaps it would not be amiss to
defend myself, he said, after the fashion of our smaller
politicians, who, as a general thing, invited councilmen to confer
with them at the bar, and left the settlement to be arranged between
them and the host.

"On finishing our tea, the General was kind enough to say he would
show me over the city. He could not, however, introduce me to the
Coon-club that night, seeing that it had adjourned and gone on a
frolic. Only too glad to accept the services of a companion so
valuable, I joined him, and we were soon at the door of the Broadway
Theater, where the General, to his great surprise, discovered that
in the change of his vest that evening (he had foregone the pleasure
of a very fashionable party in the Fifth Avenue to do me ample
honor) he had omitted to replace his purse. I begged he would not
mention it, drawing forth the required sum. With great apparent
mortification he begged me to disburse the trifle and consider it
all right in the morning. This I was only too glad to have the honor
of doing.

"An highly colored melodrama, in four acts, one of which was laid in
each of the four quarters of the globe, (and if there had been a
fifth, the cunning author would have had an act for it,) was
proceeding at a stormy pace, the principal character being
personated by a gentleman of color, the audience, I thought, were
trying to emulate in loudness of talking. My new companion seemed to
have an extensive acquaintance, for he introduced me to no less than
twenty judges of the Supreme Court, whose good opinion, he said, it
was well to cultivate, and many other persons, not one of whom was
less than a major-general of the Ninth Regiment, a corps somewhat
celebrated for its courageous marching and counter-marching up
Broadway. Of the etiquette that ruled among the military heroes of
New York I knew but little; nor was I well acquainted with the
accomplishments necessary to her judges: but it was impossible to
suppress the thought, that if soliciting treats of strangers were
regarded as a qualification, they could not be beaten, though the
whole Union were put to the test. And so excessive were their duties
in taking care of the Union, that their faces had assumed a deep
purple color.

"Ascending several flights of stairs, we, by great exertion, reached
what was called the 'third tier,' which lofty domain was, by the
generosity of the manager, set apart for damsels whose modesty and
circumspection would not permit of their occupying seats in the
dress circle. I, however, noticed in them an audacity of manner that
did not appertain to such artless beings as my companion would have
me believe them. It struck me, too, that the toilet of these artless
damsels was not what it should be. Indeed, there was an extravagance
of color, and scantiness at both ends of their drapery, that both my
mother and grandmother would have set down as in extremely bad
taste. My companion soon cleared up this little matter, by informing
me that the toilet of these artless damsels, so bright in color and
scanty in places, was in strict keeping with the standard of fashion
adopted by the very best society, which was to be more undressed
than dressed, that the devil-who always wanted to look in-might see
for himself.

"What there was lacking in drapery, to save my emotions, I might, my
friend said, make up in the color of my imagination. They were all
the daughters of rich bankers in Wall Street; hence no one had a
right to interfere with their mode of dress. Stewart, at whose
shrine of satins and silks ten thousand longing damsels worshiped,
owed his fortune to their love of bright colors. And although he had
filled two graveyards with ruined husbands, and was preparing a
third for the great number of wives whose constancy he had crushed
out with the high price of his laces, no one was simpleton enough to
blame him. No matter how many sins of extravagant men he might have
to answer for, the purchase of seven pews in Grace Church, and the
good will of Brown, would secure his redemption. Stewart was a hero
whose deeds should be recorded in history, and to whose memory a
monument ought to be raised in every fashionable graveyard; and upon
which it would be well to inscribe an epitaph written by Brown, the
sexton.

"My companion said he would (and he did) introduce me to several of
these daughters of rich bankers, which was very kind of him. The
unrestrained quality of their speech at first struck me as being a
little curious, such indeed as I was not accustomed to; but I found
them extremely easy to become acquainted with, and in nowise
prudish. They did, however, keep up a suspicious intimacy with a
brilliantly lighted, though not very fragrantly scented, saloon on
the left. In this I was assured there was nothing improper, inasmuch
as it was sanctioned by the customs of the best society in New York,
and much frequented by the Mayor and Aldermen.

"One of the damsels, whose winning smiles excited the filaments of
my heart with joy, condescended to express an enthusiastic
admiration for my watch-chain, while another very modestly said she
would owe me a lasting obligation if I would lend her my watch, that
she might wear it at the Tammany Hall ball, to which she was invited
by one of the managers. She pledged her honor, of which she seemed
to have a large stock, to return it safe. As it was the first favor
she had ever condescended to ask of a gentleman, she felt sure I
could not deny a lady. Notwithstanding my respect for rich bankers
and their daughters, I begged that she would excuse me in this
instance, and charge to my poverty what might otherwise seem a want
of generosity. She said she would sing to me, and be the light of my
dreams; but even this failed to impress me with a due respect for
her desires. With that penuriousness characteristic of bankers,
their papas, it was clear, had not stocked their purses with change
enough to cover their wants, which habitually ran to ice-water and
something in it.

"It was clear they took me for a country bumpkin instead of a great
politician, and were inclined to make much of my excess of
simplicity. Motioning my companion that it was time to be going, I
expressed the great delight their company had afforded me, and took
my leave, promising to pay them another visit at no very distant
day. I now began to mistrust my companion, whose deportment did not
seem to square with that which I had been accustomed to associate
with great generals. But he was tailored and barbared after the
manner of gentlemen, and was likewise excessively smooth of tongue.

"On turning to depart, my companion reminded me that it was
customary on such occasions for all distinguished persons to present
each of the artless young ladies with a golden dollar, which they
preserved as a fund, intending, when it became sufficiently large,
to start a 'Journal of Civilization,' in which the literature of
other lands was to be much improved for the benefit of this. The
'Journal of Civilization' was not to be considered a reflex of free
brains, but rather as a reflex of free stealing, which was to be
advocated at great length in its columns. Its general department
would, my companion told me, be devoted to the histories of great
historians, commencing with Jacob Abbot and ending with Peter
Parley. Of its politics not much was to be said, seeing that they
were written by my learned friend, Doctor Easley, author and
compiler of 'The Polite Speech Maker,' and ought never to be taken
as meaning what they said. Sharpeye and Scissors were to be honored
with the post of general editors; and the musical department, which
it was intended should be strong enough to drown all weak
instruments, had been consigned to three magnificent harpers, who
were capable of climbing a gamut of any number of notes. Neither had
tuned their harps very extensively to home literature, the love they
bore it being of the chastest kind; and though they were capable of
conferring princely endowments upon it, they had turned a deaf ear
to all its cries and distresses.

"Not seeing the enlarged benefits that were to flow from this
Journal of Prospective Civilization, nor having any great faith in
the quality of civilization stolen literature would confer upon a
nation, I preferred to distinguish my generosity by a more national
and less tricky example. This, I observed, did not give satisfaction
to the damsels, who turned away with a look of contempt, and no
doubt to this day entertain a very poor opinion of me.

"When we had reached the street my companion very modestly said
there were not less than a thousand curious places a politician
should visit before being qualified for taking a high position among
his fellows. Many of these were established for the benefit of poor
men in pursuit of fortunes, which it was absurd to think could not
be got without a too strict adherence to truth and probity. First,
he said, he would introduce me to the high priest of the Pewter Mug,
which was the Star Chamber of Tammany, though many simple-minded
people residing in the rural districts had mistaken it for the place
in which Mr. Beecher, the reverend, wrote his celebrated star
letters. No famous politician or statesman ever visited New York
without scenting its pure atmosphere. And even Marcy himself, who,
notwithstanding his grievous fault of quoting great authors, would
be written down in history as a knight of diplomatists, had been
heard to say (he was a frequenter of the Mug) that he owed the
profoundness of his wisdom to the quality of the beverages there
served. And as the first dawn of his generosity was supposed to have
broken forth in this compliment to the accommodating high priest, it
did him infinite credit in the future.

"A little reflection, however, produced a second thought. If I were
as invulnerable as Virgil's witch, I could survive the process of
initiation, for then I could enchant the faithful, who were
politicians whose metal had been hardened in the furnaces of the
custom-house, and had passed enactments, which they enforced with
great rigor, that no country-made politician should be admitted
unless he could drink and stand sober under thirty-two brandy
cobblers per day, and was able to treat each member to his daily
ration of an equal number, for the space of two weeks.

"Promising my companion that I would profit by his valuable hint, we
turned into Duane Street, and, after groping our way up one of its
wet and narrow alleys, halted at the cellar-door of a dilapidated
little house that seemed to have been ignominiously crammed in
between two dead walls and left for an owl roost. I was never
wanting in courage, as my companions in Mexico can assert, but I
confess that a sort of shaky sensation came over me just then. This
was observed by my companion, who hoped I would not be alarmed,
since the place we had arrived at was nothing more than the
celebrated locofoco 'nest number three,' the members of which had
their head quarters at Tammany Hall and the Irving House, and were
very respectable men, and good working politicians. A less
inquisitive man than a citizen of Cape Cod is acknowledged to be,
could not have failed to discover the artifice. But my enthusiasm
carried away my discretion; and, after descending six slippery
steps, we came to a door upon which my companion gave two loud
knocks, and placed his ear to the crevice. Mutterings, in a tongue
very like the Tuscan, were interspersed with loud swearings, which
were in turn diffused with curious whisperings. Another loud knock,
and a peremptory demand from my companion, and the door was
cautiously opened by a witchlike figure, the hideous face of which
protruded apace, and then shrank quickly back, as if to present me a
commentary of what I might expect within.

"'Rise, strike a light, and let the quality of metal you are made of
be seen!' said my companion, as he stepped inside. The light of a
tallow candle, in the hand of a half-shirtless figure, with bruised
face and upright hair, discovered a cellar about twenty by sixteen
feet, and seven high. The man of the shirt and candle, I took for
the high priest of the locofoco nest number twenty-three, so nimbly
did he mount a little counter at the further end, and set to
arranging his bottles and glasses, thinking, no doubt, that he had
caught a customer of extensive generosity. The atmosphere was thick
and gloomy; nor was it rendered purer by the fourteen stalwart
fellows who lay stretched at full length upon half-emptied whiskey
barrels, and seemed much devoted to shattered garments, disfigured
faces, and collapsed hats. 'Here,' my friend said, 'is your true
working politician, who has no fear of the infernal regions, and
never thinks of heaven.' At a word from him, they rose to their
feet, though not without an effort, and having given their hats an
extra tip, and thrust their hands into places where pockets ought to
have been, and let drop a few words of discontent, like my learned
friend Easley once said Calypso did, they seized tumblers and ranged
up to the counter, forming a most striking panorama of dejected
faces. 'I love and reverence these men,' said my companion, modestly
suggesting that I must do myself the honor of paying for their
medicine, 'since they were extremely useful in absorbing the refuse
liquor made at our distilleries, and keeping up the respectability
of the party to which they belong. Indeed, they are not the base
fabric of the vision you might take them for; they are all pensioned
members of the Empire Club, a very disorderly body of men, of whom
it is said that no man can be elected President of the United States
without first consulting their approbation.'

"They held their peace, and drank with great apparent experience. I
did not dispute my companion's assertion, that they had rendered
noble service during many a campaign, and were capable of rendering
much more; still, my opinion of politicians in general was in no way
heightened by their appearance. Being disappointed in their ends and
aims at the last election, they now stood much in need of a trifle,
with which to pay Bishop Hughes for praying a recently-deceased
brother through purgatory, a service he never performed without
feeling the money safe in his palm. All at once they set up a howl
like midnight wolves, which so alarmed me that I hastened into the
street, where my companion soon joined me, saying it was a way they
had of expressing a joke. Not being accustomed to the ways of
working politicians of the New York school, I made my way as fast as
possible into Broadway, when, to my surprise, I discovered that my
watch had parted company with me. My companion was equally
surprised, offered me any number of regrets, and said he would go
back and have every political vagabond arrested and locked up in the
Tombs, where, if his acquaintance with the judge was not of too
intimate a nature, the thief would be detected and punished in the
morning.

"Pausing for a moment, a second thought, he said, satisfied him that
to seek redress by so bold a course would not be good policy. The
thief would have gone off with his booty, hence it would be better
to remain quiet until morning, when, having come back to hold
consultation with his fellows on some question of politics, as was
customary with them, the services of a detective would do the rest.
Just as we were debating this subject a well-dressed man advanced
toward us, and, stooping down, picked up a corpulent pocket-book,
with the possession of which he seemed not at all easy. 'Friend,'
said the man, 'I am an honest Quaker, can'st thou tell me if thou
art the owner of this, for I leave for my home in Albany in the
morning, and want not to be burdened with it.' After an exchange of
civilities that satisfied me he was a gentleman, I told him it was
none of mine. He insisted however, that I take possession of it, and
in the morning pursue measures to have it restored to its rightful
owner." And what followed will be recorded in the next chapter.






CHAPTER VI.

WHAT BEFELL MAJOR RODGER POTTER, AND HOW HE FOUND HIMSELF OUTWITTED.





KNOWING how well modesty becomes greatness, I listened with profound
attention to the major's story. Every now and then he would relieve
my feelings by suggesting that the most interesting part of it was
yet to come. We had now pursued our journey some fifteen miles under
a burning sun, when we came to a running spring, beside which the
major drew up his team, and, dismounting, proceeded to fill his
bucket. Having drank of the limpid water from one of his tin cups,
and placed the bucket before old Battle, whom he patted with great
fondness, the major next proceeded to take care of his disconsolate
chickens, which for the last three miles had been keeping up an
opera of discordant sounds, to his great annoyance. Uncovering his
coop, which he carried at the tail of his wagon, he set two tin cups
of water before them, and scattered moistened meal at their feet,
enjoining them to hold their peace in the future. And while in the
act of doing this, he reminded me that great men were exalted by
small things, and however bemeaning the nursing of chickens might be
regarded in a military man, there was in it a nobleness the great
only could appreciate. The chickens, however, did not seem to
appreciate his sacrifice of dignity, for they devoured their food
with an increase of music. Having attended to the wants of his live
stock, the major frisked round his wagon to see that his wares were
all safe, and then commenced singing a song, as if a transport of
joy had suddenly come over him. "I tell you what it is, my friend,"
said he, pausing in the middle of his tune, and drawing his favorite
flask from his breast pocket, "the world 'll think none the less of
us for traveling thus shabbily. There may be nothing courtly in the
profession of tin-peddling, yet it is an honorable enterprise, and
has its obstacles as well as other honorable enterprises." I
besought him not to make himself uncomfortable on my account; that I
was not yet so famous that I could not ride over the country on a
tin-wagon, without feeling it a sacrifice of dignity.

We now sat down by the spring together, and proceeded to refresh
ourselves with his crackers and cheese, to which I added a
newly-baked pumpkin pie my mother, in the outpouring of her
simplicity, had slipped into my haversack; and while regaling
ourselves in this unpretending manner, the major, whose ardor was
rather increased by the liquid he mixed with his water, resumed the
recital of his first adventure in New York: "Being desirous of
facilitating the Quaker's honesty, my companion, General Fopp,
suggested an easy way of disposing of the matter. The pocket-book,
he said, no doubt contained an enormous amount, which the unlucky
owner would be anxious to regain as early as possible in the
morning, and to that end would advertise in all the newspapers,
offering a large reward to the lucky finder, as an inducement for
him to preserve his honesty. The first step then would be to find a
convenient place for counting the contents of the pocket-book, and
considering the amount which could be properly offered the Quaker,
as the reward of his honesty. So, after consulting within myself for
some few minutes, I followed my companion and the Quaker into the
back parlor of a cigar shop, where we carefully counted the great
roll of notes, and found the amount to be exactly four thousand
three hundred and twenty-two dollars, which nice little sum,
together with papers of great value, showing the owner, one Henry
Paterson, to be a man of large dealings in Wall-street, were
entrusted to my care. My companion expressed his inability to trust
himself with so large an amount of property, especially as the
servants at his hotel were proverbially inclined to take liberties
with other people's goods. At my request, he said he thought two
hundred and fifty dollars would be a moderate consideration, since
the owner would no doubt value the restoration of his property at
twice that sum. I was not possessed of so large a sum; but being
anxious not to wrong the Quaker, whose quiet demeanor completely won
my confidence, I produced one hundred and fifty dollars, which he
accepted, saying it was much more than he expected. My political
companion said the air of contentment with which he accepted the
reduced sum, was in every way becoming, and bespoke him a worthy
gentleman. As a precaution I took a receipt for the amount, which
Greely Hanniford (for such was the Quaker's name) signed, and took
his departure. My companion said he would do himself the honor of
calling upon me at eleven o'clock in the morning, an earlier hour
being considered very unfashionable among military men. He would
then, if necessary, bear testimony to the transaction. It was now
twelve o'clock, and bearing me company as far as the Astor House
steps, he exchanged civilities and took his departure, having first
slipped a card into my hand, upon which was inscribed in neat
letters, 'General Fopp, 32 Pleasant-side Row.' Pleasant-side Row
being a mystery to me, I retired to bed thinking of my first night's
adventure in our modern Babylon, and awoke early in the morning to
regret that delay in the pursuit of my mission might cause grievous
injury to the nation."

Again, we bridled old Battle, and proceeded slowly on, the sun being
intense enough to dissolve both our brains, and the major cutting
short the thread of his story by saying we would dine with Mrs.
Trotbridge, whose house we ought to reach by high noon.

"However, it was neither here nor there," the major resumed; "I knew
that no military man of any distinction could escape the formalities
and ceremonies it was necessary to go through before being regularly
enstated into the good graces of New York society, and so gave
myself up to the policy of making the best of it. I got up, and
after making divers inquiries of waiters found straying along the
confused labyrinth of passages, got down stairs. My first business
was to search in all the morning papers for the man of the lost
treasure in my possession; I read them all only to be disappointed.
Nor had the companion of my adventure remembered to have my arrival,
with becoming comments, put in all the papers, as he had pledged his
honor to do, having, as he said, an unlimited control over them. I
carefully consulted the columns of the Herald. And though I
discovered in the editor a love for sharpening up his battle-axe,
and making splinters of his fellows at least twice a week, not a
gleam of light was thrown upon the man whose loss I felt it in my
heart would be his ruin. I contemplated the wants and anxieties of
those who sought to make them known therein, and smiled at the
curious manner in which a thousand ambitious individuals expressed
their readiness to supply the wants of others. I turned to the
Tribune. But neither in the gravely-spun philosophy of its
editorials, nor among the pearls of its advertisement columns, could
I find a word to relieve my anxiety. The sages who are supposed by
the knowing ones to jot things down in that very consistent
inconsistent journal, had likewise forgotten to mention my name;
which apparent neglect much discomposed my mind. I was, however,
somewhat relieved by a friend, who informed me that it was in their
true spirit. One of the waiters told me with an air of great wisdom,
that the Tribune never took up military men except to set them down
with bruises. This waiter was a gifted Irishman, and a great
politician. During a sweet little touch of a rebellion, or a famine
(which are about the same) in his country, he had read the Tribune
twice a day to his wife, Biddy Regan, who expressed herself
delighted at the forked lightning style it then kept up in defense
of the rights of her fifty first cousins.

"Eleven o'clock arrived, but no General Fopp came. Anxious to
relieve myself of the treasure, I approached the highly perfumed and
somewhat rotund clerk, whose bows were worth at least a quarter
eagle, and related the story of my adventure to him. The jewels his
shirt was bedazzled with seemed to brighten, while his face radiated
smiles, in which it was not difficult to read that he set me down
for a simpleton. He took the pocket-book into his hand, and saluting
me by my military title, inquired how many banks my companion of the
adventure proposed to start in Wall Street. Just then I remembered
that the generous fellow did propose starting ten or so; and, in
addition, that he pledged one half of Wall Street that, at no very
distant day, I would be president of these United States.

"The clerk now smilingly counted the bills, all of which he
pronounced, to my utter astonishment, on banks that existed only in
the mischievous imagination of some knight of the order of
vagabonds, which ruled the city, moulding things to its liking, and
had fortified itself in a castle of brass. I stood as if transfixed
to the floor. My reputation, my money, my hopes of a foreign
mission-all were gone. I expressed my regret that the man should
have so little respect for his military reputation. The clerk,
however, relieved me on that point, by stating that nothing in the
world was easier than to be a general in New York, and that the
individual who had gained a victory over me was no doubt one of that
particular species of military heroes so numerously dispersed about
all the street corners of Broadway, and who now and then find it
good for their health and courage to take a trip to Europe, where
titles command better attention. As for the Quaker, Greely
Hanniford, he was no doubt a major of the General's division.

"I was anxious to keep this matter as quiet as possible, bearing the
loss like a philosopher, and forming a resolution in my mind never
again to be taken in by a New York general. I observed, however,
that two bearded vagabonds (such at least I took them for) in hats
of priests, came suspiciously up, for the discovery made some stir,
and took down all that was said. And this was, by these malicious
historians, (as the polite clerk informed me they were,) put in all
the afternoon newspapers. I now began to think this was what the
cunning rogue meant by saying he would have my arrival recorded,
with proper comments; for indeed the comments were of a character
that might have satisfied a major of much more renown. One sagacious
fellow, after reciting what he was pleased to set down as my
political history, and the political history of all my shoemaker
ancestors, at whose honest calling he tipped a sneer, as is common
with the learned men of our very republican press, expressed his
regret that so sharp a politician should have been made the victim
of an ordinary sharper, but thought it quite likely we had been
visiting temples of the unclean together, such being the favorite
resorts of politicians. Another equally sagacious fellow said, that
the least harmless view he could take of the matter was, that the
distinguished major had permitted his political enthusiasm to carry
off his discretion, and had kept hours in the company of a stranger
too late to find an excuse with respectable people. A third said,
the whole affair looked very suspicious; and for the character of
politicians, he hoped there was quite as much innocence in the
major's story as he seemed anxious to have appear on its face; but
he very much doubted if such honesty was a good recommendation to
one in pursuit of a foreign mission."






CHAPTER VII.

IN WHICH IS RELATED HOW PLEASANTLY THE MAJOR TOOK HIS MISFORTUNES.





"AFTER these cunning scribblers had exhausted their ingenuity in
moulding for me a character so scurvy, that the man who holds up
buildings at street corners could not be got to pick it up, and had
laid at my door charges that would have brought tears into the eyes
of all my ancestors, they wheeled suddenly about, took back all they
had said, threw glory at my feet, and, to the end of doing mankind a
benefit, held me up as a model major. They were all ready to make me
any number of promises, to render me any reasonable service, and to
follow me to battle. Had I offered them a consideration, no doubt it
would have been refused with splendid contempt.

"Mine host of the Astor, who was a shrewd fellow, thought the
character of his house damaged, and must needs consult his honor,
the Mayor. That high functionary, knowing the agility with which
such heroes as Fopp exercised their heels, gave out no encouragement
of catching the rascal. Had it been a scamp, who by his winning
manners deceives inconsolable widows, seduces artless damsels, and
otherwise exercises his skill in the art of fascinating females, his
Honor had been after him with all the courage of his police force.
But as it was merely taking in a stranger, the matter, his Honor
thought, had better be stopped, since the degree and quality of the
crime was so like that known as 'sharp practice' in Wall street,
that to punish one and let another go free would only be manifesting
a strange disregard of equal justice. And the landlord was too
shrewd a fellow not to know that to employ detectives, who were
costly men to move, would entail an expense greater than the sum
lost, without mending the damaged reputation of his house. I
therefore contented myself with the satisfaction of having had my
character restored to me by the newspapers.

"A different turn now came in my affairs, and finding it was only a
harmless custom of the editors to make splinters of a great public
man, I invited them to a sumptuous dinner, which they set upon with
an appetite equaled only by that displayed by them while devouring
my character. But, on the whole, they were a jolly set of fellows
-quite as jolly as one could desire. If they entertained a
magnificent dislike for one another, it was to be set down to a
spirit of commercial rivalry, which, though it might work out good
in some instances, was of itself to be deplored, inasmuch as it had
nothing in common with that generosity of soul which should rule
universal among men of letters."

I found the dinner a specific antidote for a bruised character, for
no sooner had my literary friends eaten it than they were ready to
outdo one another in saying good things of me. One cunning fellow
told his readers that the election of General Harrison was entirely
owing to the wisdom I had distilled into the minds of the people of
Cape Cod. And though I never had even scented the perfumery of war,
another said that as a military man I had no superior. Concerning my
mission, they were all sure no testimony they could bear would add
one jot to my transcendent ability for representing the nation
abroad. The government could not make so great a mistake as to
overlook me.

"Heaven having given the editors great success in their arduous
business of restoring me to favor, I was received at once into the
embraces of fashionable society. Brown, who digs graves for departed
sinners, and provides the parties of our aristocracy with
distinguished people, called to inquire what evenings I was
'disengaged,' seeing that he had several openings on his list, which
was unusually select 'this week.' He secured invitations to nothing
but the most refined and wealthy society-that which gave receptions
merely for the sake of doing honor to persons so distinguished.
Genin sent circulars to say that hats of the latest pattern could be
got cheaper and better of him than any one else. Tiffany & Company,
in a delicately enveloped card, reminded me, (for Mrs. Potter's
sake, no doubt,) that their stock of jewelry was of the finest
description. Ball & Black sent to say that swords and other
appurtenances necessary to a military gentleman could be got of
them, much superior in quality, and cheaper in price, than at any
other establishment in Broadway, or, indeed, in the city. Stewart, I
was told, had just opened an invoice of India shawls, which he had
ticketed at twenty-five hundred dollars each. But as his motto was
quick sales and small profits, he was running them off at two
hundred dollars less. It was hinted that Mrs. Major Potter better
call early or they would all be gone. Had Mrs. Major Potter been the
sharer of my adventure, and exhibited so wanton a determination to
rush her husband into bankruptcy, as it appeared was the fashion
with the ladies of New York, then Mr. Major Potter had gone one way
and Mrs. Major Potter another."

Here the major gave his whip two or three smart cracks, and bid old
Battle proceed at a more rapid pace, as his appetite caused him to
make sundry contemplations about the dinner he would get at the
house of Mrs. Trotbridge.

"Well, seeing that I was up and popular," said the major, resuming
his story, "Townsend piled my room with circulars, saying his
sarsaparilla was the only kind used by politicians and military men,
who invariably pronounced it the cure for those diseases which, it
is charged by a Spanish writer, of great learning, are incident to
their professions. Brandreth sent me samples of his pills, which he
said were unequaled for purging politicians of all those ill humors
they were heirs to. And both (moved by Brown, no doubt) sent me
invitations to parties given in honor of me at their princely
mansions on the Fifth Avenue. Barnum, too, considering me a
remarkable curiosity, sent two tickets to his great show house,
which the vulgar called a museum. And the Misses Whalebone &
Gossamer sent to say that their assortment of baby clothes was of
the choicest description, and that they would be much pleased if
Mrs. Major Potter would call and examine for herself.

"As I was always considered a good looking man," (the major, though
as ugly a man as could well be found, was extremely vain of his
looks,) "no end of sly looks were turned upon me at parties by
marriageable damsels, who mistook me for a single man on the look
out. As to young widows, why, the tears hung as temptingly in their
eyes as pearls. Whether they were for me or their deceased husbands,
I am not bound to say, self praise being no recommendation. It often
occurred to me, however, that marrying a widow would be an act of
charity heaven could not fail to record to the credit of any good
natured bachelor.

"And this, too, I will say, that nothing could have been more
elegantly conducted than the parties to which I was invited. Indeed,
I saw no occasion for repaying hospitality after the manner of those
malicious writers, who take pleasure in sneering at the quality of
entertainment given by our aristocracy, merely because it is
composed of men who have got rich by the very republican business of
sailing ships and selling eatables. Now I by no means underrate the
man of letters who truly represents genius, or learning; but that
every dabbler in small satire should dub himself a man of letters,
and therefore set up for an idol before whom better men must bow, or
have their social affairs battered to pieces, is something I cannot
condescend to admit. By all means, if the little fellows will have a
court, let them have one of their own, and to their liking; for they
will quarrel over those ills they seem born to; and if they can
quarrel without interfering with the rights of others, the peace of
the earth may be preserved. In fine, I would have them cram
themselves into everything great and good, and ask only that they be
careful not to weaken those pedestals upon which our republic is
expanding itself. But enough of this.

"Having passed through fetes of unequaled splendor the politicians
began to put questions to me, which, in many instances, it was not
convenient for me to answer, inasmuch as by a single word I might
commit myself to principles my party would not sanction. They,
however, took me into their keeping, and so delayed my journey to
Washington that I began to feel that I had got among friends of the
wrong kind." We were now entering a short curve in the road, between
two hills covered with chestnut trees, beneath which several lean
sheep were grazing, when the major's story was interrupted by the
shrill sound of a fishmonger's horn.






CHAPTER VIII.

WHAT TOOK PLACE BETWEEN THE MAJOR AND THE FISHMONGER.





A SOFT glow enhanced the beauty of the foliage on the hill side,
tottering stone walls lined each side of the road, and the crowing
of cocks, and the lowing of cattle, together with a pastoral view
obtained through the scraggy trees, betokened our near approach to a
farm house. "Let us forget politics and go in for a bit of trade
with this fishmonger!" said the major, as he jerked the reins, that
old Battle might take heed, and quicken his pace. Another blast from
the fishmonger's horn, and his wagon appeared in the road,
approaching at a rapid pace. The fishmonger, doubtless, thought
there was no trade to be had of a tin peddler, whose wares had
nothing in common with his own, and was about to drive by at a brisk
pace, when the major reined up old Battle, and half hidden in a
cloud of dust, cried out, in a thin, squeaking voice, "Ho! stranger,
what like for fish have you?"

"Cod, haddock and bass," replied the fishmonger, who seemed as lean
and well starved as his horse, which was of a light sorrel color,
and presented so pitiable a pack of bones that no real
philanthropist could have looked upon him without shedding many
tears. The two tradesmen now got down from their respective wagons,
and approaching each other with hands extended, presented a
corporeal contrast one seldom sees in the rural districts of New
England, inasmuch as the fishmonger stood six feet in his
grain-leather boots, and was so lean of person that one might easily
have imagined him fed on half-tanned leather and Connecticut
nutmegs, while the major stood just five feet two in his stockings,
measured exactly twenty-seven inches across the broad disc of his
trousers, and had a belly equal to that of three turtle-fed aldermen
rolled into one. The major too, had a head very like a Wethersfield
squash stunted in the growth, with a broad, florid face, and a
spacious mouth, and two small eyes he could see at right angles
with. The fishmonger, on the other hand, was hatchet faced, had a
dilating jaw, and a vacant look out of his eyes, which were well
nigh obscured by the battered hat slouched down over his parchment
colored forehead.

They began at once to raise their wares, to shake each other
cordially by the hand, and to exchange salutations of mutual
confidence. Old Battle, who had a deep fellow feeling for his
master, must needs imitate the affection he displayed for the
fishmonger, and to that end began to make free with his horse,
which, after sundry friendly bites of the mane, and otherwise
exhibiting himself in a manner very much unbecoming a horse of such
good morals, reared and had done serious damage with the bones of
the other, but for the interposition of his master, who separated
them with the stock of his big whip. Peace being restored, the
animals were removed to a respectful distance, and I was introduced
to the fishmonger as the greatest young politician ever known in
that part of the country. The major, it must here be recorded,
otherwise this history would be imperfect, was scrupulous not to
admit that a young politician, however brilliant his capacity, could
be equal to an old one. In this he differed but little from many
other great military politicians of my acquaintance.

As the major seemed not to have a care for any other political
campaign than that which elected General Harrison, it was a custom
with him to inquire of every new acquaintance how he voted in that
event, before engaging in a trade with him. Having put the question
as a preliminary, the fishmonger replied that he had voted as good
and square a "Coon ticket" as any citizen in the town where he
lived, but that he received two pieces of gold for so doing, and
thought it no harm.

"It is how a man votes," said the major, adding a nod of
satisfaction, "not what he gets for his vote. That's his business,
and except heaven, no one has a right to interfere. Here, take
these, know how much I esteem you, and remember when you drink your
cider out of them that I am your friend." Here the major took two
tin pints from his wagon, and having patted the fishmonger upon the
shoulder, presented them to him, with a speech very like that made
by a Mayor of New York, who, having dined with his board of
aldermen, holds it incumbent upon him to bestow praises the cunning
rascals know are meant for a jest. This done, the major drew forth
his flask, saying that it would be no more than good manners to
christen the pints. The fishmonger answered that he had no
objection, the weather being very oppressive. A stout draft was now
poured into each cup, and having myself declined, compliments and
bows, such as the fishmonger had never before received, were
exchanged, and the whiskey drank with great apparent satisfaction.

"As the sun is warm, and my profits to day have not amounted to
much," said the fishmonger, with an air of stupidity that by no
means pleased the major, "I must hurry these ere fish through!" The
major expected a different return for his generosity, and reminded
his friend that he had not yet showed him a sample of his wares. At
the word, the other mounted his little box of a wagon, and in a
trice laid three cod and two flabby haddock upon the lid, declaring
they were as fresh and bright as a new-coined quarter. And though at
the most rapid pace his horse could travel, he was more than six
hours from the nearest sea-shore, he was ready to swear by the hair
of his head, of which he had but little, they were only two hours
caught. "Five cents a pound for the cod, and four for the haddock!"
ejaculated the fishmonger, raising a haddock by the gills, as if to
assert some near point to the notch it would bring down on the
steelyard. "Well, to you, here, have the cod for four and a half;
that's offsettin' your good turn, and I make it a point never to be
out of the way with a fellow trader." Saying this, he hung a codfish
to the hook of his steelyards, and finding seven pounds marked, said
thirty cents would cover the cost, that being a cent and a half more
off. Generosity, the Major saw, was not bait that tempted the
fishmonger to reciprocity. "I should like two of them at the price
you name; but as paying cash is not in my line, perhaps we can
trade, somehow? By my military reputation, I never let a chance to
trade slip. Yes, by my buttons, I made a good thing of it when at
the head of my regiment in Mexico." This the major said by way of
softening the fishmonger's generosity; but that honest-minded
individual replied in the following laconic manner: "Bin in Mexaki,
eh? Darn'd if I'd like to bin there."

The major, not at all pleased with the unimpressable nature of the
fishmonger, said, somewhat curtly, that no one cared whether he
would or not. "However, here's at you for a trade," continued the
major, adding that generosity was the surest road to fortune. And
having bid him hang another cod to his steelyards, he drew from his
stock a small tin strainer, with which he offered to make a square
exchange for the fish. "Say the word, and it is done!" ejaculated
the major, patting the other upon the shoulder. The fishmonger shook
his head, and looked askant at the major, as if to say he would
rather be excused. The major now, out of sheer generosity, as he
said, and anxious, no doubt, to sustain the character of military
men, threw in a pint of number four shoe pegs, which article was
among his wares, and which he was ready to swear by his military
honor the people of Connecticut raised Shanghai chickens on. The
fishmonger said he did not know exactly what to do with the shoe
pegs; but as a New Englander was never at a loss to find a use for
every thing, and not wanting to be hard with a fellow trader, he
would call it a bargain. They now mounted their respective teams,
and drove on in opposite directions.

A little red house, half buried under a hill side, interspersed with
scrubby trees and blackberry vines, now appeared in sight. This the
major described as the house of his dear good friend, Mrs.
Trotbridge, the widow of three husbands, and yet so young in feeling
that she was in daily expectation of getting a fourth. He never
failed to make her a present, and partake of her good cheer while
passing that way. The fish would be a great treat with the widow;
and though the strainer and shoe-pegs, for which they were
exchanged, did not "stand him in" more than a shilling, the fish
would rise up in her eyes to the worth of a jolly good dinner.

Old Battle, recognizing the house as one he was accustomed to rest
and feed at, quickened his pace, and disturbing the repose of pigs,
chickens, and young ducks, nestling by the roadside, soon reached
the garden gate. Dismounting in great haste, the major bid me follow
him, and, leaving old Battle to take care of himself for the nonce,
hastened up the pathway toward the front door, for the house was
separated from the road by a narrow garden, enclosed with pickets,
and full of stunted shrubbery. The inmates of the house were soon
astir, and the major's name was, one might have thought, called from
every window. Then the basement door suddenly opened, and two
little, mischievous looking Trotbridges, scampered out to meet him,
and so clung about his short legs, and otherwise offered him proof
of the affection they bore him, as almost to impede his progress.
Mrs. Trotbridge, at the same time, appeared in the door, three or
four flaxen headed little members of the Trotbridge family clinging
at her skirts, and shaking their chubby fingers in ecstasy. Mrs.
Trotbridge stood at least an head taller than the major, and was in
figure so lean as to give one the idea that she had been pressed
between two opposite points of theology. Her face was worn and
wrinkled; her eyes small, gray, and staring, and fortified with a
pair of silver-bowed spectacles, which were incessantly getting down
upon her long, flat nose. Her complexion, too, was the color of alum
tanned sheep skin. The major's arrival was evidently a great event
with the Trotbridge family, for while the two elder boys, one about
eight and the other nine years old, ran to see which should be first
to take care of his horse, Mrs. Trotbridge, saying, "Well, as I'm
living, if here ain't the major again," hastened down the pathway,
one hand under her check apron and the other extended. There now
took place such a series of embracings, accompanied with kisses, as
one seldom sees in lovers over sixteen.

The major followed speedily into the house, while the two boys
unharnessed, fussed over, and took care of his horse, which one
mounted and the other led by an halter to a little dilapidated barn,
such as are common to that part of the country. I was next
introduced, with some ceremony, to Mrs. Trotbridge, as the
politician who had gone over the country effecting such wonderful
political changes. After divers courtesies, the good woman put so
many questions to me concerning my past history and future hopes,
that I found it somewhat difficult to answer them. Mrs. Trotbridge
had no very deep love for politicians in general, the doctor of the
parish having told her that they did serious damage to brandy
punches. Had I felt inclined, I verily believe she would have held
me in conversation until midnight, such was her nimbleness of
tongue.

The walls of the room, which was about twenty feet by twelve in
dimensions, were hung with small, colored pictures, in mahogany
frames; an high shoe bench in one corner, a few flag bottom chairs,
a table and two small workstands, and four pair of shoemaker's
clamps, arranged at the windows, constituted the simple but
substantial furniture. But there was over all an air of neatness
about it truly charming. There was a place for everything, and
everything was in its place. "Must make yerselves at home here,"
said Mrs. Trotbridge. "Things, maybe, ain't as nice as yer used to
havin' 'em, but poor folks must do the best they can, and hope
better 'll come."

And while the good woman set about lighting a fire in the great open
fireplace, Major Potter got between two chairs, into each of which
an urchin mounted, with a broom in his hand, and so belabored his
jacket as to fill the room with dust. "The major is always at home
in this house," dryly ejaculated the good woman, taking down her
bellows and commencing to blow the fire.

"I know how to appreciate it, Mrs. Trotbridge, and hope nothing may
come to lengthen the distance between our friendship," returned the
major, shrugging his great broad shoulders, and adding that I could
now go through the process of dusting while he washed his face,
preparatory to listening to how times went with Mrs. Trotbridge. He
had previously ordered the boys to water his chickens, and now,
having at his desire brought in the fish, he presented them to the
hostess with all that pomp and dignity so common with government
employés, who present the heads of departments with services of
plate bought with their own money, and which intolerable nuisance
had its origin among the kings and queens of the buskin. They were,
he slyly intimated, worth seven Massachusetts shillings. The shrewd
fishmonger wanted nine, but, saying I was going to present them to a
dear old friend, he threw off two. No New York alderman ever
received a gold snuff box for abusing his office with more
condescension than did Mrs. Trotbridge the fish so kindly presented
by the major. Saying he was proverbially a modest man, the major
begged she would forego any return of thanks and accept them solely
as a token of the affection he bore her, and which he certainly
would enlarge were it not that Mrs. Roger Potter yet lived, and was
hale and hearty. The widow blushed for once, saying as she did so,
that there was a time when such a compliment would not have been
lost upon her, but now that she had got on the wrong side of forty,
was getting gray, and had seen three dear good husbands put away in
the grave, she did not think it right to be "lookin' out,"
especially as Parson Stebbins had always said, when he looked in,
that woman's worldly thoughts ought to end at forty.

My suspicions of the major's probity were now almost confirmed, for
when she offered to vouchsafe him her generosity, by frying a piece
of the fish for dinner, he expressed a positive preference for
bacon, a good flitch of which he saw in a little cupboard she opened
in search of her stew pan. And although he expressed it a stain upon
his gallantry to deprive her of even an ounce, I thought the
quality and not his gallantry stood in the way. "Lord bless you,
Mrs. Trotbridge," said the major, "men distinguished in arms never
make presents to eat of them."

The good hostess replied, by saying, she might have known, but it
was seldom persons so distinguished came that way; and when they
did, she entertained them just for the honor of it. Peace, she said,
reigned in her little house, and she was more happy with the thought
of eating the bread of honesty, so remotely, than she would be with
a palace in the olive groves of Cordova the man who lectured told
about, seeing that they who live in palaces must depend upon others
for bread, while she could raise her own.






CHAPTER IX.

HOW MAJOR ROGER POTTER GOT HIS DINNER, MADE AN EXCHANGE OF CHICKENS,
AND TOOK LEAVE OF MRS. TROTBRIDGE.





HAD Major Roger Potter been as well qualified to take advantage of a
political necessity, as the cunning quality of his gallantry in this
instance fully testified, he was to get the better in a matter of
trade, he had never fallen from so high an estate as that of
defending the nation's honor to that of selling tin ware and shoe
pegs.

The major, saying he had an inert sympathy for the humble, and that
nothing had so much pleased him as to do Mrs. Trotbridge service,
now commenced to set her table, which he did with the familiarity of
a good housewife, while the anxious woman bestirred herself in
preparing dinner, expressing her doubts as she did so, that her
efforts would not meet our expectations. Suddenly remembering that I
was so great a politician, the good woman, having made sundry
inquiries concerning my wants, bethought herself that I would like a
book to while away the time; so, leaving her stew pan in charge of
the Major, who, having set the table with great exactness, was
seated upon a small stool at the fireside, beating the doughnut
batter in a bowl on his lap, she proceeded to a small book-rack over
a window, and brought me a copy of Elder Boomer's last sermons, the
reading of which she was fully assured in her own mind would
interest me.

The major interposed (wiping his portentous belly, which had become
disfigured with batter,) by saying that seeing the book advertised
by the publishers (who were men of truth in all matters concerning
their trade) as the greatest of recently published works, he got a
copy for Mrs. Potter, who declared it a wonderful book, and had lent
it to all the neighbors, who had read it until nothing would do but
they must get up a religious revival. Indeed, if things kept on as
they were going, there would soon not be a sinner left in the region
round about Barnstable, such a change had the book worked in the
pious feelings of the good people. I seated myself beside a window
that overlooked the little garden, and turned over the leaves of the
book, affecting to be deeply interested in it, but really listening
to an interesting colloquy that was being kept up between the good
woman and the major, at whose side several little flaxen headed
urchins had crouched down, and with an air of paternal regard,
watched intently in his face as he compounded the batter with so
much force and energy, that at least one half it was lost in
spatters over their features. And while doing this, so eager was the
major to ascertain the exact state of Mrs. Trotbridge's affairs,
that the increase of her pigs and poultry formed a prominent feature
in his inquiries. She had let her little farm of thirty acres out on
shares to neighbor Zack Slocum, who was esteemed the best
crop-getter this side of the crossroads. The peach trees, of which
she had seven ranged along the little picket fence round the garden,
gave no very strong evidence of doing much, while the cherry tree
over the well was touched with blight; but for all that she felt
that providence would in some way enable her to scrape up fruit
enough to get over the winter. What was deficient in one part of the
country was made up by the plenty of another. She had recently,
however, felt a great drawback in the bad times consequent upon the
policy of the present administration. At last she had been told it
was the folks in power at Washington who had made times so hard,
that the wealthy manufacturer for whom she "binded" the shoes her
boys stitched, could only give two cents a pair, where formerly he
gave two and a half. But the cunning fellow, who was the sharpest
kind of a straight Whig, said if they got their side in at the next
election, he would come back to old prices, with cash instead of
store pay. Mrs. Trotbridge hoped it might be so, for the half cent
was a serious loss to a family so humble. But she was at a loss to
account how it was that if times were so hard, the manufacturer, who
could not afford to pay old prices, wanted a greater number of shoes
bound, and would hurry her life out to have them done in less time
than it were possible to do them.

The good woman, considering herself honored by such military and
political greatness, spread her table with fried bacon and new laid
eggs, and the cold pork and beans left over from yesterday, a few
shavings of dried beef, currant jelly of the most tempting kind,
doughnuts, hot and fresh out of the bacon fat, and bread made of
wheat raised on the two acre patch across the road, and to which she
added a cup of tea so delicate in flavor that it would have made a
Dutch grandmother return thanks to the East India Company. In truth
there was a snowy whiteness in the table linen, and a nicety and
freshness of flavor in the viands one only finds at a country house
in New England, and which those accustomed to the "hudgey smudgey"
cooking at the great hotels of cities cannot appreciate.

The good woman regretted that she could not add a mug of cider, for
since the temperance folks had shut up the tavern kept by General
Aldrich, at the village, travelers with a taste for that article had
to thirst and keep on to Barnstable. "May heaven vouchsafe you
plenty of such good fare," said the major, taking his seat at the
head of the table, as we drew up and engaged the bacon and eggs with
appetites that were sharpened to the keenest edge. And so fiercely
did the major gorge himself, showing no respect for the last piece
upon any plate, that the little urchins, who had occupied seats at
the table, began to gaze upon him with wonder and astonishment, and
to slink away, one after another, to relieve their pent up mirth.
Indeed, so formidable was the onset he made upon the bacon and eggs,
that I found it necessary to withdraw after the first fire, lest the
good hostess be compelled to call her frying pan into use a second
time. Having finished the humble but grateful meal, we proceeded, at
the desire of the major, to examine the pig and poultry yard. Her
two cows, she said, twitching her head in satisfaction, had had fine
thriving calves, and the old sow had a nice increase of fifteen
little spotted rascals, as round and plump as foot-balls. As for
poultry, the only kind that had not done well was her turkeys. And
of this there was visible testimony in four dyspeptic young ones
that walked sleepily around two old ones, kept up a very ill-natured
whimpering, and in addition to being featherless were quite as much
bedowned as the face of a freshman. The major, who had a remedy for
everything, set at once to prescribing for their distempers, which
he swore by his military reputation they could be purged of by
taking homopathic pills dissolved in the smallest quantity of
Wistar's Balsam of Wild Cherry. He had not the slightest doubt but
that by following up this course of medicine a sufficient length of
time, the ill-feathered patients would be restored to a happy state
of health, and become popular fowls at the poultry show. The
medicine was as harmless as need be, though extremely expensive.
There was a satisfaction, however, in knowing that their valuable
lives could in no way be endangered by an over dose.

Expressing his entire satisfaction with the appearance of Mrs.
Trotbridge's poultry, the major fastened his keen eyes upon six fine
black feet pullets, the possession of which he at once began to
covet. And to that end did he proceed to discourse on the value of
Shanghais, inviting Mrs. Trotbridge, at the same time, to take a
peep at the rare lot of that breed of chickens he had in the coop.
The good woman followed him to his wagon, where he dismounted his
coop, and revealed as scurvy a lot of chickens as eye ever rested
upon, all of which he swore by his military reputation, would come
to rare Shanghais, and get big enough to eat off barrel-heads in
less than two months. Indeed, such was the wonderful account given
of these fowls by our hero, that the simple-minded woman would have
pledged her farm for no more than a pair. "La's me! do tell. Eat off
barrel heads in two months! Mean flour barrels, I 'spose?"
ejaculated the good woman, drawlingly, as her urchins gathered
round, peering eagerly in through the slats of the coop.

"Just so," returned the major; "know a chicken of this breed that
grew so tall, that he would follow wagons going to mill, and feed
out of the hind end." In reply to an inquiry as to how she could
become the owner of a pair, money being a scarce article with her
just now, the major said he would, in view of his anxiety to do her
service, let her pick two, for which he would take in exchange the
six black feet pullets. For this profession of his generosity, the
good woman returned a thousand thanks; and the black feet were
forthwith transferred to the major's coop, while she took possession
of what she esteemed a rare prize.

Finding there was no more to be made of his generous hostess, the
boys harnessed old Battle, and taking leave of her with divers
expressions of friendship and regret, we mounted and proceeded on
our journey, four urchins clinging to the tail of the wagon,
cheering at the top of their voices until we had lost sight of the
house.






CHAPTER X.

THE MAJOR RESUMES THE STORY OF HIS ADVENTURES IN NEW YORK.





MY determination not to swerve from the truth in this history, may
cause me to relate things of the major his military friends, who are
exceedingly sensitive, will set down as malicious attempts to damage
the profession of arms. Let it be understood, then, that what
charges I shall bring against the major will, on inquiry, be found
to have their origin in an uncontrollable passion for trade only.
Whether it will be found that he has committed acts for which he can
be arraigned before a court-martial, such being the fashionable
process of making heroes of military delinquents, must be left
entirely to the reader's judgment.

Having got well upon the road, the major turned to me with an air of
evident self-satisfaction, and addressed me as follows: "If Mrs.
Major Potter was out of the way, I would make twain of the widow,
merely for the love her children bear me." Here he jerked the reins
and bade old Battle, who was giving strong proof of the quality of
his wind, quicken his pace. "However, as it is wicked to contemplate
matrimony with a wife on hand, I must console myself with having
cleared in the trade with her and the fishmonger, at least two
dollars and forty cents. The chickens are not what she takes them
for. There can be no doubt of their coming to Shanghais, but as to
their eating off barrel heads, they can do that now, only set the
barrel heads upon the ground. All the ill feathered devils in my
coop are not worth a single black foot." The major, like many others
who affect gallantry, rather prided himself on the chivalry there
was in deceiving widows and getting the better of fishmongers. We
were thus pursuing our journey, when the major suddenly reminded me
that he had been interrupted in the recital of the story of his
first adventure in New York, and begged I would tell him the exact
point where he left off. This I did, as far as my memory served, out
of sheer charity. He then begged me not to get impatient, for he
would soon get to where he was the hero of several extraordinary
exploits, which he had performed while taking care of the nation.
"That's the point," said the Major, taking the cue. "The story was
interrupted at the point where we held it fortunate detectives were
not employed to go in pursuit of Fopp, as they both were of one kith
and kin, only that they had different processes for draining purses.

"My fashionable friends, on hearing of my distress, had no more
attentions to bestow upon me. And as I had no more dinners to give,
the newspapers also let me drop very quietly. I should not forget to
mention, however, that one huge fellow, who commanded the columns of
a very small paper, and made the importance of his position a means
of getting loans of his friends, said time would establish the fact
that I was an adventurer. I entertained a hope that the good old
Evening Post would have answered this, but it never did. It was
something that I could console my heart with the fact, that the
little paper could do me no harm, since its circulation never got
beyond two hundred prosey old women, who admired the way the cunning
fellow wore his hair and discoursed upon good society, though he
held it a virtue never to pay a debt.

"A friend or two, as poor as myself, and who had clung to me as long
as a dollar remained, advised the getting up of an affair of honor
with this editor; but, as I had always chosen to be a philosopher,
and believing valor an article better preserved with peace than war,
I objected. It was then suggested by one of my friends, who was, or
had been a politician, (an enemy of his said he had twice been
driven out of Wall Street for violating its rules of morality,) that
the affair could be more easily settled over a champagne supper at
Delmonico's. The best eater and drinker could then demand his
opponent to consider himself vanquished and pay the bill, the same
being accepted as a sufficient apology. Upon inquiry, it was found
that the editor was famous in this sort of warfare, hence it would
not do to engage him at odds so unequal. Telling my friends then,
that I would take two weeks to consider it, they thought the matter
might be indefinitely postponed. Another friend hinted, slyly, that
editors, as a general thing, held character of so little worth that
nothing so much delighted them as to demolish it over a strongly
compounded punch.

"Well, with the loss of my money, I had the satisfaction, or rather
mortification, soon to know that I had gained the suspicions of mine
host of the Astor, who had the temerity to stick his bill in the
door one morning. My balance on hand not being equal to the amount,
I shoved the curious bit of paper into my pocket, and proceeded down
stairs, slightly inclined to saunter and contemplate the matter over
in the park. But the polite host, with an eye made keen by his
doubts, intercepted me at the bottom of the stairs, beckoned me
behind the big bright counter, and said I must pardon the request,
but he would like the trifle between us squared. Notwithstanding his
great respect for politicians in general, they so often forgot these
little matters as to make it a serious affair with him. The kindness
of his manner set my conscience in a tumult; and this, added to the
fact that he had entertained me in a princely style, sent me into a
state of great grief. One likes to perform kind offices to a
courteous recipient. Indeed, nothing would have so much pleased me
as to discharge every obligation to so excellent a landlord. I might
at some future day need the comforts of his house, especially as
several of my friends had intimated, while fortune smiled, that the
voice of the people might one day call me to rule the nation.

"Dispensing all ceremony, I invited mine host to a conference in one
corner, and then and there pleaded the lean condition of my purse,
to which he listened with great patience, and when I had done begged
me to consider him a friend. Once indeed he seemed on the point of
shedding tears of sorrow for my troubles; but his eyes resumed their
usual dryness. On the following day, his sympathy having no doubt
run out, he informed me, with great politeness of manner, that the
demand for his lodgings was more than equal to the supply.
'Perhaps,' he added, 'you can make it convenient to continue your
journey.'

"I was in the condition of an army unable to move for want of
supplies. It was no difficult matter to make a dozen or so of
political speeches, or to make a meeting split its sides with
laughter, or to tear the sophistries of an opponent into tatters,
but to be cheated out of one's money in a great city, and leave the
Astor to enter the Irving, or the more fashionable 'New York,' with
an empty pocket, though common among New Yorkers, was a feat I had
not learned to achieve."

The mischief of the matter was, that no sooner had I got rid of
General Fopp, than a man, whom I shall for convenience sake call the
great Captain Splinters, made my acquaintance. This man, of whom
many queer things were said over tea-tables, by people calling
themselves the aristocracy, plumed himself on being the greatest
politician Manhattan Island ever was blessed with. People of steady
habits differed in their views on this subject, some asserting that
the honor of the island would sustain no loss if he were made
Governor of New Jersey, or President of the Camden and Amboy
Railroad, in which latter capacity he would have ample means of
gratifying his ambition for mutilating legal voters. I had heard of
this man through the newspapers; he seemed, however, a much smaller
man than they had represented him to be. In fine, he told me the
newspapers had always taken great pride in misrepresenting him; but
he said so many good things of himself, and recounted the many
scrapes he had been in with such evident self-satisfaction, that I
began to mistrust there was something in him. It was at least
certain that he had hung himself to the government, in the very
harmless belief that it could not get along without him. Of his
pranks, as related by himself, I had no very high opinion, inasmuch
as they made public virtue cut a very sorry figure. He, however,
requested me to bear in mind the fact, that he never squared his
opinions with those who set so high a value upon public virtue that
they were for ever nursing it and weeping over it at their
firesides.

"He thought the nation extremely fortunate in possessing an
individual capable of rendering it services so varied as he was
capable of. He made power his game, and to the end of extending
universal liberty to vagabonds, he had at his command the services
of no less than four hundred and forty as arrant knaves as ever did
bloodletting at elections, or managed the rascality necessary to the
success of their candidate. They had given up the business of
stealing; and being much in need of money and clean raiment, had
taken to the more profitable occupation of president-making,
hoping ere long to be rewarded by a grateful government with
important and lucrative appointments.

"This Captain Splinters, of whom so much was said, expressed great
sympathy for my misfortunes, and seemed to entertain a hearty horror
for such fellows as Fopp. He said that now, being on the road to
fame, it was only necessary to fasten to him, when, having great
power in his hands, he would ensure me the nomination for next
President. I got to liking him, he was so companionable. We visited
together many low drinking places up dark alleys, wherein political
mischief was very generally manufactured by youths who dressed in
flashy colored garments, were lean of figure, and very noisy. Their
features were sharp, but undefined, and about them there was air of
recklessness made more striking by their long, oily locks, (which
were turned under in the neck,) and the strong profanity of their
conversation, which invariably turned either upon some pugilistic
rencounter, or a question of municipal or national policy. Being a
popular politician, it was necessary, Splinters said, that the good
opinion of these men be secured; and this could be best done by
ordering the landlord to give them strong drinks without stint. He
added, that unless I did this, my political shop would be closed for
ever. I at first pleaded the scanty condition of my purse, but it
availed me nothing. The dread alternative stared me in the face, and
seeing that they were very outspoken men, I stood their demands at
the bar until an empty purse put an end to my generosity.

"He, Captain Splinters, then led me by the button to Stanwix Hall,
which he said was the head quarters of his four hundred and forty
president-makers. Here the glare of an hundred gas lights threw
curious shadows over a throng of staggering and grotesque figures in
toppling hats, broad, brown skirted coats, with brass buttons, and
bright striped trowsers. 'These men,' said the Captain, introducing
them to me, with an extension of his left hand, 'are made of better
metal than they seem; you must not judge them by what you see on the
surface. Keep but their wants well supplied, and my honor for it,
they will take such care of the nation as no man shall gainsay-'

"'Aye! aye!' interrupted a dozen husky voices, as the whole number
circled around the great bar, spread with a barricade of decanters,
'we are good men, and strong. Let the nation but call us, and we
will do it such service as it may need. We are all honest men, who
wait but the word from our captain, ere we break the liberty that
binds the delusions of men calling themselves our betters.' The
captain now leaned over the bar and whispered something in the ear
of the landlord, a burly man, who stood with his coat off and shirt
sleeves rolled up. Drinks were now quickly compounded for each man,
who seized his glass as the Captain, who was glib of tongue,
commenced a speech in compliment of me. It surprised me not a
little, that he made me the hero of more political conquests than
were written down in our history since the declaration of
independence; but as he vouched for the truth of every one of them,
with an oath to every sentence, his men received them with great
cheering. Indeed, they emptied their glasses, offering to lay their
services at my feet. It was curious to see how much these men, so
apparently shattered by strong drink, knew about the ins and outs of
the constitution. Albeit, for men whose education was as doubtful as
their means of living, (even reading and writing was not in very
high favor with them,) they knew a deal about Congress. More than
one had his pockets full of letters written him by distinguished
members. And it seemed a custom with them, when emptying a glass, to
drink the health of some senator, who sent them Congressional
documents weekly and promised to say a good word in their behalf to
the President.

"Having enjoyed four rounds, the men began to examine the bottom of
their glasses, and to cast longing glances first at the landlord and
then at the captain. Such was the influence of the latter over them,
that at a word they set their glasses peaceably upon the counter and
subserviently retired to remote parts of the hall, where they
commenced to smoke strong flavored cigars. A word from Splinters, it
was said, and these men would set upon and demolish any object of
his dislike. And to such an extent had their mischievous excesses
been carried, that it had cost the city no end of tears and gold,
for which they had no other penance to offer, than an incurable
ambition to run mad in worshiping their captain.

"A touch on the elbow, and Splinters whispered that the landlord's
opinion of me would be raised by settling the score. And to do this
I reached my last dollar. Having thus graciously initiated me into
high favor with his men, the Captain kindly offered to see me safe
home. Taking him for so good a friend, I discovered to him the state
of my finances, which he said was a matter of no moment, since he
would give me his note for five hundred dollars on thirty days,
which Duncan, Sherman & Co., or any banker in Wall Street, would be
glad to discount, merely for the pleasure of making my acquaintance.
A flood of joy poured into my ears and heart at this expression of
friendship. So we walked into the office of the Astor, when
Splinters, affecting an air of great confidence, dashed off the
note, and, bidding me look misfortune right in the face, took his
leave. But he said he would call the next morning. He forgot to keep
his promise, and when I presented his 'I promise to pay,' at the
counter of Messrs. Duncan, Sherman & Co., flattering myself that
they knew all about it, the whole counting-room of clerks went into
a titter. One set me down for a madman; another directed me to the
care of the commissioners of the insane asylum; and a third thought
I would do to go into business in Wall Street. Captain Splinters
would, no doubt, seeing that only his name was wanted, furnish
capital to any amount, provided always that he shared the result of
the circulation, they said. It was clear to me that the house of
Duncan, Sherman & Co. was not fast in the discount line. I then
looked in at Drew & Robinson's. Thinking I had come to buy
steamboats, a little, shriveled up old man led the way into a dark
back office, saying he could give me but five minutes to make known
my business. Anxious to facilitate matters, I produced the note,
saying that he of course knew the signer by reputation, and would
like to discount it out of compliment to him. A sight at the name,
and it seemed as if he was about looking the glasses out of his
spectacles. Then he went straight into a passion, ordering me to
leave the premises or he would call a policeman. Not to swerve from
the truth, I may say here, that I thought it very fortunate in
getting into the Street without being kicked there. All Wall Street,
it seemed to me, was in a state of anxiety. Every man looked as if
he were besieged by his neighbor, or had had a breach made in him by
some sudden revolution, and was in search of a physician to save his
bleeding bowels. Here and there I met a man looking as if he had
just rushed into the street to proclaim the baseness and treachery
of a newly discovered foe, who, with a thousand anxious thoughts,
had carried away the last remnant of his fortune.

"I found I had been laboring under a political delusion. Indeed, I
felt like one in a desert without means of alleviating his misery,
and turned to make my way out of Wall Street and declare myself its
eternal enemy, so ungrateful was the reception it had given me. And
as I was proceeding through the mass of rapidly moving figures that
surged along the sidewalk, my eye caught the sign of Van Vlete,
Read, & Drexel. The name struck me as being consonant with
generosity, so I looked in, and was accosted by a tall, lean man,
with a dusky complexion, and a face radiant of intelligence. He
stood behind a massive, semicircular counter, piled with bank notes
and gold; and having readily engaged me in conversation, which he
had the facility of doing without being interrupted in his business,
I found him a man who could talk faster and much more sensibly than
any revival preacher outside of Rhode Island. And to this he added
the rare quality of being courteous, which was remarkable in a Wall
Street dealer in money. Having discovered my business, he smiled and
shook his head, evidently at what he was pleased to consider my
freshness.

"The captain's paper, he said, might be set down as floating
security, the value of which was so prospective, depending as it did
upon his future good behavior as well as the fortunes of his party,
that he did not feel inclined to purchase any very large amount of
it. However, as he liked to be considered as a man of good parts,
and as I had a prospect of getting a foreign mission, he would
advance ten dollars on the five hundred, taking the risk of such
change as years might produce in the fortunes of the great captain,
which even the moon seemed to favor. Having declined this generous
offer, we parted excellent friends."

A cloud of dust rose up in the road about half a mile ahead, which,
together with the barking of a dog, and the "hellowing" of a loud
voice, announced the approach of a drover, and interrupted the
major's story.






CHAPTER XI.

IN WHICH MAJOR POTTER ENCOUNTERS A SWINE DRIVER, AND TRADES WITH HIM
FOR AN INTELLIGENT PIG.





A VOICE crying "Schew, ho! schew, ho!" broke louder and louder upon
the ear, until, beneath a cloud of dust, there appeared the snouts
of some twenty lean swine, scenting the road from side to side, as
if in search of food. They were followed at a short distance by a
tall, square shouldered man, dressed in the homespun of the country.
He carried a pair of steelyards over his shoulder, and was
accompanied by his dog, a sharp eyed sagacious animal, that every
few minutes coursed into the bushes by the roadside, and kept the
swine in proper marching order.

The major was thrown into ecstasies at what he deemed an auspicious
opportunity for another trade, and began to count his profits ere he
had come up with the swine driver. A few minutes more, and the swine
driver cried out at the top of a voice that seemed to have come
through a tin trumpet, so grating was it, "If you kill my shoats,
neighbor peddler, them tin traps of thine shall suffer as will not
be good." The major now reined up old Battle, and throwing down the
reins, dismounted, and began parleying with the swine driver as to
the value of his drove. "It is cruel of you," said the major, "to be
driving such lanterns to market. From thy looks, I had thought thee
a better man. But, as I have a fancy for trade, if thou wilt put
them at a figure low enough, and take my tinwares for pay, we may
come to a trade that will profit us both."

"To the devil with your tinware; and if you cannot get it there fast
enough by any other process, mount a South Carolina ass! for it
occurs to me you would look well mounted upon such an animal!" This
somewhat uncourteous retort disarmed the major, who stood for a time
not knowing what to say in reply. In truth, he was overawed by the
sternness of the swine driver's manner, and the terseness of the
monosyllables with which he answered questions that were
subsequently put to him. He had a face, too, that wore an expression
grave enough for a Scotch metaphysician, and was long enough and
heavy enough for a Penobscot Indian; and to which was attached a
nose very like a bill-hook in shape. "Honest swine driver,"
ejaculated the major, "being versed in the mysteries of human
nature, and never judging men by their occupations, I took you for a
gentleman; and as such, I am certain, had you but known the high
quality of my reputation, you would not have insulted me."

"That all may be," interjaculated he of the weary face.

"You have, p'raps, heard of Major Roger Sherman Potter? That's my
name," resumed the major, a smile of confidence lighting up his
features, as he extended his right hand, and patted the swine driver
good naturedly upon the shoulder with his left. "I bear no man
malice, am known over the country as Major Potter, the honest in
trade and strong in politics."

"I have myself had something to do with politics," moodily muttered
the swine driver, relieving his shoulder of the steelyards.

And while this colloquy was proceeding, the herd nestled down upon
the ground to rest. One, more sagacious than his fellows, made a
companion of the dog, at whose side he stretched himself, and laid
his head upon his shoulder with an air of kindness and affection
quite uncommon to his species. "That pig," spoke the swine driver,
"seems a more cunning brute than our New York politicians, for he
makes friends with his enemy, and by that means secures his peace,
if not his services. He has conciliated the good that is in the dog,
and now the dog is his firm friend. He will let that pig have the
better half of his meal, while he would not permit another to come
within barking distance of his trough." Here the swine driver
entered upon a history of this sagacious animal, which it will be
necessary to preserve for a future chapter in this history. It may,
however, be well here to say, as well for the benefit of the reader
as for the instruction of mankind in general, that Felix Shulbert
(for such was the swine driver's name) bought him of Father Fenshew,
a poor priest of great learning, who had so cultivated the pig's
understanding, that he could give his approval or dissent to the
canons of the church quite as well as some popular members of the
ecclesiastical councils of which the reverend and very learned
Father was an ornament. As to politics, he knew a great deal more of
them, notwithstanding he mixed less with those who made them a
profession.

"Now, tell us, honest man, what through life has befallen thee to
produce this sadness?" inquired the facetious major, adding, that he
saw the tale of his trouble written in his face.

The swine driver replied, that disappointment, and the malice of
enemies, and the false reports of evil minded damsels, had reduced
him to poverty, and poverty had forced him into the trade of swine
selling, which he followed in the hope of getting a living that
would be acceptable to heaven. An air of deeper sadness now
overshadowed his countenance, and raising the coarse straw hat from
his head, he wiped the sweat from his safron-colored brow, and
heaved a sigh. The major having introduced me to the herdsman as the
greatest politician Cape Cod had ever given the world, drew forth
his never failing flask, which he said contained a panacea for all
ills of the mind, and enjoined him to partake. The man exhibited no
timidity in accepting the invitation, for having taken two or three
swallows, he smacked his lips in approval, and said, he already felt
it mellowing his temper. He then searched in his wallet, and finding
some crusts and a ham bone, threw them to his dog, who generously
shared them with his companion, the pig. This done, we took seats by
the roadside, while the drover began, in brief, to recount his
troubles.

Educated for a divine, he took orders, and for a series of years
preached with much success to his congregation and honor to himself.
At length an evil day came, and with it a spirit of malice that
leveled its shafts at his bachelorhood, crept into his church.
Unfortunately he had declared his determination not to marry in the
presence of several venerable matrimony-mongers, and the result
was, that so many slanders were got up against him, that his church
became a bed of thorns continually pricking him. "My heart, which
heaven can bear witness, is tender enough, became overburdened with
grief," said he, his eyes filling with tears, as he wiped the sweat
from his sun-burned brow, "for it seemed as if the whole church had
turned its back upon me, and so many were the plans laid to effect
my downfall, by those who should have held me up, that even the
mantle of St. Peter could not have saved me. Thus, it was said that
I had made too free with my housekeeper, who, in some things, was a
good enough woman, but (and it was well known to the parish), little
could be said for her virtue. Heaven knows I had never in my whole
life permitted an evil thought concerning her to invade my mind; and
yet she was got to bring against me a charge so grave that we will
pass it over without a name. Your must, however, remember that this
was the work of my enemies, whom heaven forgive, as I freely forgive
them, such being the glory of charity, which is the truest religion.
Indeed, sir, it was said that I did this woman grievous harm, and
the parish rose up in her defence, and, what is more, set her up as
a model of injured innocence. I could only protest my innocence, and
pray what chance is there for innocence against the voice of
calumny?

"Then this was the penalty of your bachelorhood? You should
remember, brother, that so good a chance to become a father as that
which is offered to the pastor of a flourishing congregation should
never be lost; and he who fails to embrace it, evinces a want of
wisdom the clergy would do well never to betray," said the major,
begging that his newly made friend would proceed with his story. "As
I never disdain friendship, (hoping the rudeness of my remarks at
our meeting may find pardon in my sorrow,) I will give a respite to
my tongue by quenching my thirst with another sup of the contents of
that flask, for it gives me much relief in body as well as in mind."
The major was only too glad to grant his request; and having passed
him the flask, he said, as the other raised it to his mouth, he
hoped it would transfer the hidden secrets of his heart to the light
of day, since nothing pleased him more than a recital of the sorrows
of the forlorn ambitious. And here he of the swine, and he of the
tin traps, continued to converse most strangely, the latter
sympathizing with every new sorrow, of which the former seemed to
have a never ending supply. "Being in a remote village of
Pennsylvania," resumed he of the sorrows, "and having neither trade
nor friends, I thought to get my living by teaching school; but the
shafts of scandal followed me, and the honest and simple-minded
villagers thought it wise not to have their children taught by one
who had attempted the virtue of an innocent. I saw nothing but to
take to politics, which I did much against my sense of self respect,
it being a profession requiring those who followed it to live a
vagabond life, as well as to become the associate of vagabonds and
mischief making priests. I took a strong part in a presidential
campaign" ("Jist like me," interrupted the major), "and being on the
successful side, as wise men always are, I went to Washington in the
hope that my services would be rewarded by a grateful government.
But in this there was a mistake, for the government seemed to have
forgotten every thing but the slanders against my character; and
though the hussy whose oath had sealed my doom was removed to
Washington, where she was atoning for her outraged virtue by
practicing the arts of the fair but frail, it neither lessened the
sting of my misfortunes, nor restored me my character. She had sworn
falsely, when her morals were no better than they should be. She now
offered to do me justice by swearing to the truth; but so public had
become the character she bore, that though she might swear to the
truth of her own falsehood a thousand times, no one would believe
her. It was curious to see the anomaly of my position; for while I
could have poured out a flood of lamentations at the want of virtue
in Congress, no one valued my own of sufficient weight to be
recommended for an office. Congress, that had no virtue, or if it
had, its quality was too hard for use, was for ever standing in
admiration of its beauty and whiteness, as a member or two since
expelled had been pleased to call it, and was as scrupulous of
having it called in question as a coy damsel. I who had virtues, was
cast out because the color of it, as seen through the spectacles of
my enemies, was not as white as alabaster. Ah, I have wiped the
sweat from my fevered brow, and thought what a wrong-headed world
we had-many a time! Every man has a history worth relating, or he
must be a poor being in the measure of his kind; but I am afraid
mine is becoming barren of entertainment."

I had myself become interested in the swine driver's melancholy, and
joining with the major, begged he would proceed with his story. "I
took my misfortunes like a philosopher, knowing full well that
heaven would grant me mercy in time of need. I had nearly spent, in
Washington, the last dollar paid me for lecturing during the
campaign, when the jade who had caused all my troubles, hearing of
my poverty, came to me, fell upon her knees, implored my
forgiveness, and offered to share with me the fruits of her infamy.
I freely forgave her; nor could I forbear to shed a tear at the
honesty of her repentance. But her gold I bid her give, as had been
a custom with her, to her friends, in places so high that the source
of their wealth remained a mystery no man dare probe. Telling her I
had rather join the brigands in the hills of Lombardy than accept
her gold, I at once turned my energies to writing speeches for
members of Congress incapable of writing their own, and correcting
the dictum of those made by men whose time was too much taken up at
the gambling crib and drinking saloon. And for this labor, so easily
performed when one possessed the ability, I was to receive five
dollars a column, of the Globe. Small as was this allowance, I found
great difficulty in collecting it, since members too honest to sell
votes generally wrote their own speeches, and those who lacked that
little virtue had so many speculations on hand as to render it quite
impossible for them to find time to pay their speech writers.
However, between giving Latin lessons to two or three of the New
York delegation and this speech writing, and teaching the rudiments
of grammar to an Arkansas member, whose custom it was to make a
speech every day, I scraped a few dollars to the good, and retiring
to my native village entered upon the business of swine driving, in
which calling, thank God, I have at least had an opportunity to be
honest. In truth, brother tin peddler, (I call thee brother, since I
find so good a friend in thee,) it seems to me a man may prepare for
heaven and find no obstacles in so honest a trade. I have now
followed it for seven long years." Here the major took his hand,
earnestly, and swore that he was ready to serve him with his life,
so deeply had his story affected him.

"It was but yesterday," resumed the swine driver, "that a tin
peddler of New Haven, who vends his wares over this part of the
country, and though a great rogue, makes people believe him honest
by asserting that he is a graduate of Yale, passed me on the road
and killed three of my swine, causing me a loss of some eight
dollars, for I sell them at three cents a pound, by my steelyards;
and when I demanded him to make good the damage he jeered and drove
on. And to make the matter worse, the cunning rogue has tricked the
simple minded people into the belief that he is a man of great
wisdom, which was no hard matter, seeing that he threw into all his
sayings a large amount of Greek and Latin it would have puzzled the
devil himself to translate. This, my brother, accounts for the
rudeness of my greeting, and for it I now ask to be forgiven. Having
lost my shoats in the manner I have related, I sat down and swore
eternal enmity to all of the trade."

The swine driver thus ended the recital of his grievances, when the
major, holding it his duty to set the fallen upon their legs,
divided his pine apple cheese and crackers among us, and commenced
advising him in the following style: "I see, brother drover," said
he, "what a grief having fallen from thy high estate in the church,
is to thee. Take then my advice. Keep thy ambition within proper
bounds until thou hast got bread enough to live in peace for the
space of one year. Then return penitent to thy native village, say
thou art wearied of swine driving, and hast resolved to live an
honest man until death calls thee away. Get this idea well into the
heads of the villagers, then come boldly out and declare thyself to
have sinned beyond measure, and to have been so great a reprobate
that the world had not another like thee. Publish neither cards, nor
pamphlets, nor books, in defence of thy character, and above all, do
thou be careful not to purloin the coat and breeches of thy
companion, nor go uninvited to balls, for, though it be the custom
of unfortunate parsons who take to literature at this day, it will
lower thee in the sight of heaven. But say, that having qualified in
sin, and resolved to seek forgiveness, thou art come to lay thy
implorings at the church door. Change, in the meantime, thy opinions
of matrimony, and be careful to state, within hearing of certain
unmarried damsels the corners of whose ages it will not do to
multiply by ten, how it is become a firm belief with thee that
matrimony will increase the measure of thy joys. And when the moment
it will do for thee to move in this thing has arrived, do thou show
thyself a man of sympathy by joining fortunes with a damsel who has
lived hoping, until she has turned the brown corner of forty. Having
thus paved the way by being converted to matrimony, and confessing
crimes that would have crushed a dozen men of better metal than
thyself, thou wilt be restored to thy church, and live like one
comforted by the exalted opinions of the villagers."

It was evident that the major spoke thus stiltedly with a design
upon the swine driver's intelligent pig, which still manifested its
affection for the dog, beside whom it had gone to sleep. The swine
driver promised he would take the first opportunity of profiting by
such excellent advice. To confess the truth, he had looked forward
to the day when he would return to his church as that which was to
restore him to happiness.

The major called upon me to bear testimony to the friendship they
swore to each other, and strengthened over a sup from the flask.
"Now, as I have made thee a happier man than I found thee, perhaps
you would grant me a request?"

"You have but to make it," replied the swine driver, his countenance
lighting up for the first time. "My wife, Polly Potter, is as fond
of pigs as the women of Spain, and our aristocratic damsels who
affect, to imitate them, are of poodles. She is never without one,
which she nurses with great care. She is now in great tribulation,
having lost her last by a croup, which baffled the skill of the most
eminent physicians. And so deep was her sympathy for it, that she
had it buried in a corner of the garden, with a rose-bush planted to
its memory." This so excited the swine driver's pity, that I verily
thought he was about to make the major a present of his whole herd,
as a means of consoling his disconsolate wife. As soon, however, as
the major disclosed to him his desire to purchase only the gifted
pig, affairs assumed a different complexion. The swine driver
declared he would not part with Duncan (such was the gifted pig's
name,) for his life, seeing that he was guide pig, and could so
prognosticate storms as to entirely dispense with the use of a
barometer. A few more appeals on behalf of the inconsolable woman,
however, and the swine driver agreed to part with Duncan, upon
condition that he be kept as one of the family until he returned
that way, receiving care according to his gifts. The major pledged
his military reputation that not a bristle on his back should be
disturbed, and also that he should receive such attention from the
family as would make his domestic happiness complete. And as a
pledge of his faith, he proceeded to present the swine driver with
three nutmeg graters, two strainers, and a sheepskin, the wool of
which he swore was worth not less than two dollars.

The swine driver received these presents with much condescension,
but said it was necessary they agree that the pig be weighed, as
that would be a means of ascertaining how he fared during his stay
with the lonely woman. This point being settled satisfactorily, the
pig answered to his name, and ran to his master with the docility of
a spaniel. And now, amidst the loudest of squeals his lungs were
capable of, his hind legs were secured and his body hung suspended
by the steelyards, the dog in the meantime keeping up a loud
barking, and threatening to make ribbons of the major's coat-tails
for taking such improper liberties with his friend. "Eighty-four
pounds, exactly," muttered the drover, counting the notches upon his
steelyards as the major bagged his pet, who continued to give out so
many squeals of distress that the sagacious dog seized the major by
the broad disc of his pantaloons, and so rent them that he swore
none but his wife, Polly Potter, had ever seen him in such a plight.
Nevertheless, he placed the pig safely upon his wagon, and having
mended the breach in his dignity with a few pins, proceeded on his
journey, in what he considered a good condition. "To be torn to
pieces by a blasted dog! He didn't know me, though, poor brute,"
muttered the major, rubbing the injured parts with his left hand,
and tossing his head in caution of what might be expected another
time.






CHAPTER XII.

WHICH TREATS OF HOW MAJOR POTTER ARRIVED IN BARNSTABLE, AND SUNDRY
OTHER QUEER THINGS, WITHOUT WHICH THIS HISTORY WOULD NOT BE PERFECT.





IT was quite dark when we entered the town of Barnstable, making as
much noise as if the devil had broken loose and come to carry off
the inhabitants, who were a timid people, but sharp enough to cut
the best side of a trade. The bright blue waters skirting the town
seemed reflecting ten thousand curious shadows, while several tall
steeples of churches, (showing that the people had theology without
stint, and to their liking,) loomed out through a gray mist that
tipped the clouds with a pale fringe. And the clean green shutters
of the bright white houses, and the neatly arranged gardens, with
their picket fences, ranging along both sides of the street, and the
flowers that were giving out their perfumes to the night breeze,
were all blending in a panorama of exquisite softness.

The major plumed himself not a little on his popularity with the
town's people, who made his departures and arrivals no common
events. Nor was his admiration of himself one whit less than that so
common with some others I have in view at this moment, and who
follow the profession of arms.

And now, news of his approach having got spread abroad, he had
scarcely entered the outskirts of the town when little Barnstable,
hatless and shoeless, came running to meet him, cheering, clambering
upon his wagon, and making such other demonstrations of welcome as
satisfied the major that the town had waited his return with no
little anxiety, though it annoyed old Battle exceedingly, for he had
great difficulty in drawing the load over the sand. Seeing the
distress the animal was in, two mischievous urchins fell upon him,
seized him by the halter, and, after throwing it over their
shoulders, were joined by some two dozen more, who ran ahead
dragging him by the mouth, while three others plied his belly with
switches. The major, in the meantime, continued to contemplate the
fortune there was in a pig so learned, and who was now mingling his
loudest squeals with the cheers and bravos of the urchins, until the
very welkin rang with their echoes. We proceeded according to old
Battle's slow pace to what I shall for convenience sake call the
Independent Temperance Hotel, the guests of which were so alarmed at
the strange noises in the streets that they came running out to
ascertain the cause.

"Well, I'm back again, you see! and as for the rest, you may find
that out!" exclaimed the major, cracking his whip, and declaring he
would give the urchins three stripes apiece unless they ceased
teasing old Battle, whom he now reined up in front of a large
portico that opened into a spacious hall of the hotel. The
bystanders, among whom there was a lawyer or two, as well as another
species of hanger-on about a country tavern, sent up three loud and
long cheers, which brought the major's friends in a crowd about the
door. The major raised his hat, acknowledged the compliment with his
usual grace, and dismounted over the wheel, displaying as he did so,
the pins that had served to protect his dignity. But of this he was
unconscious, and bidding me follow, he waddled into the house, an
expression of gladness lighting up his broad red face, and saluting
his friends, not one of whom said a word touching the condition of
his garments.

"Major! is it you? Well, there ain't nobody more welcome in this
hotel!" exclaimed a small, frisky figure, rushing through the crowd,
and seizing him earnestly by the hand.

"Me?" replied the major, returning his salutation with equal warmth
of manner, "Well, I reckon it is! you think of me in my absence, I
see, colonel. Well, there is no roof Major Roger Sherman Potter
feels so much at ease under as this." Here the landlord, whose name
was Zach Aldrich, to which was added the title of Colonel, as a mark
of distinction, for having commanded with great gallantry the
Barnstable Invincibles. The host was fond of a joke, and after
giving his guest a cordial welcome, bid him hasten into the parlor,
where the hostess, who had long held him in great esteem, was
rubbing her palms to see him. Impatient to pay his respects to so
good a lady, he trudged up the hall, and turning to the right,
entered the parlor, in which were seated some seven females, to the
great delight of numerous bystanders, whom the major congratulated
himself were laughing for joy at his return. He had scarcely
disappeared, however, when a loud shriek was heard, and one after
another the females came scampering out of the room, so sorry a
figure did he cut. "Zounds, me," exclaimed the major, "what can have
come over the witches?" and he followed them into the hall,
surprised and astonished, while the compact little figure of mine
host was seen almost splitting his sides with laughter. Indeed, I
venture to say without fear of contradiction, that never did
military hero cut so extravagant a figure before females; and as he
had that scrupulous regard for their good opinion, so common with
his brethren in arms, so was he only saved from swooning by the aid
of a little whiskey and water. This, however, was not applied until
the cause of the alarm was discovered. "Upon my life, Colonel," said
the major, as the host aided him in securing his garments with a few
pins, "I never was known to offer a discourtesy to ladies through
the whole course of my eventful life. No, I wouldn't, by my military
reputation, I wouldn't have had such a thing occur to me, especially
as my friend here is the most distinguished politician in this part
of the country." I could not restrain a blush at this naive remark,
and begging that he would reserve his compliments for one more
worthy of them, he continued by pleading with the host, and
enjoining him to say to the ladies, that never in his life had he
met with so serious an accident, and as it was woman's nature to be
gentle and forgiving, he hoped they would forgive him this once,
"and I shall not be so rude and ungrateful as to soon forget their
generosity," he concluded. Having mended his garments thus
summarily, mine host led the way into the bar room, in one corner of
which was a square, mahogany counter, upon which stood a tin drain
containing a jug of water, and several empty tumblers. An open stove
stood opposite the counter; and in it were massive dog-irons in
brass, highly polished. A square Connecticut clock ticked on a
little shelf between two front windows; and suspended upon the walls
were pictures of horses and bulls that had won prizes at the
Worcester Cattle Show. Certain parts of the bar room were much
distained with tobacco juice; while beneath the stove grate there
lay a heap of cigar ends, and other soft projectiles common to such
taverns. And these, with a bench and a few reed bottomed chairs,
made up the furniture.

In one of these chairs, a lean and somewhat shabbily clad man sat,
his feet upon the rounds, his body thrown back against the wall, his
face half buried in a slouch hat, and apparently dozing, but really
keeping a watchful eye upon every movement in the room. The
landlord, whose round face was lit up with a mischievous laugh, said
he would bet his new frock coat, which had brass buttons and a
velvet collar, and his white trowsers, and even his ruffle shirt,
that the major had made a successful trip, and would do the generous
without more ado. The bystanders said it would be only right that a
person who had witnessed so many proofs of his own popularity as the
major had done should pay the forfeit he had incurred by calling on
such good beverages as the host was celebrated for affording his
guests. The major placed the fore finger of his right hand to his
lip, cast a look of inquiry at the bystanders, and then said he knew
it would be no easy matter to apologize to ladies for so singular a
transgression, but how his treating could extenuate an insult
offered to another party, he could not exactly see. "By my word as a
man of standing, I have spent much sweat and labor in getting the
little Fortune has favored me with, and it seems to me that he who
needs it most had better quench his thirst with what remains in his
own pocket!" spoke the major, giving his head a toss, and edging
aside from his importuners.

The landlord replied, that as the major had brought him a
distinguished guest, he should claim the right to do the
hospitalities of his own house, and this he held the more incumbent,
as the major was returned from so long an absence. But in obedience
to the spirit of temperance that ruled in the village, and was so
rigid in its exactions, that it kept Captain Jack Laythe, the man
who dozed in the chair, a spy over his counter, he could give them
nothing but cider and mead. Indeed the whole town had gone into such
exceedingly steady habits, that if an old friend chanced that way,
and took it into his head that a drop of heavy would do him no harm,
he was forced to wink him down into the cellar, and relieve his
wants in a little out of the way place, for even the smell of
whiskey upon the tumblers was set down as proof of guilt sufficient
to call a town meeting.

They had scarcely drank the cider set before them by the landlord,
when the man in the chair began to exhibit signs of motion. Then
getting up from his seat, his sharp sallow visage assumed a look of
revenge; and approaching the counter, he began scenting the
tumblers. "Captain Jack Laythe!" said the major, casting upon the
man a look of hate, "you might find a better business than scenting
tumblers for temperance folks. You're a pretty Christian,
surrendering yourself to such meanness!" It was evident that the
major's choler was raised, and that he rather courted a set-to with
the spy, who had no great admiration for heroes of any kind. Indeed,
the major declared that if such a thing had happened when he was
with his regiment in Mexico, his sword had not long remained in its
sheath.

"This man," rejoined the spy, with a nasal drawl, "is a burning
torch to the town, which he keeps in a perpetual uproar. The devil
never thought of half the evil he has inflicted upon certain of the
townspeople, for he serves them with his poison, and they go about
as if they were dead. Time and again has he been commanded to
surrender his traffic of misery, on penalty of being ridden into the
river; but he has neither fear of the devil, nor respect for the
laws; and though every pulpit in the land should preach against him,
they cannot put him to shame." The host, who was itching to have
revenge of the spy, hurled a lemon squeezer at his head, which took
him between the two eyes, and caused him to retreat into the street,
amidst the cheering and jeering of the bystanders. The major, too,
applied his boot in right good earnest to the retreating gentleman's
rear, and asserted his courage by making threats in the door, while
the other, having regained his sight, stood challenging him to come
out into the street, and take it like a man. The major called upon
the bystanders to bear witness that he had courage enough to tackle
a dozen or more of such spies, only he would rather not soil his
hands just now. Nor was there any honor in fighting such people,
which was a chief point in such game.

The landlord now reminded the major that the town esteemed him too
highly to have him compromise himself by holding a parley with such
a fellow, who was no other than an old Pawtucket stage driver, who
having tempered his throat with brandy until it had dried up his
wits, saw fit to reform, and had become the most implacable enemy of
all who enjoyed what he had abused.

The spy seeing the landlord about to set on his big dog, took to his
heels, muttering in a low and plaintive tone, and threatening to
report his grievances to Parson Bangshanter, and Squire Clapp, two
leading members of the temperance league, and who, in respect to
good morals, had taken the sale of liquor into their own hands, and
were making a good thing of it. The major now remembered that his
wife, Polly Potter, would get the news and be impatient to welcome
him, and so bidding the host and his company good night, and
assuring me that he would ring the town out to pay me proper respect
in the morning, he took his way home, meeting with so serious an
accident as had well nigh cost him his life, the particulars of
which I must reserve for another chapter.






CHAPTER XIII.

WHICH TREATS OF TWO STRANGE CHARACTERS I MET AT THE INDEPENDENT
TEMPERANCE HOTEL.





HAVING got rid of the major, I desired to change my clothing before
supper, and was shown to a snug little room up stairs by a damsel of
such exquisite beauty and bashfulness, that my whole soul seemed
melting within me, so quickly did her charms enslave me. In answer
to a question that hung trembling upon my lips, and which I had only
power to put in broken accents, for she passed me the candle, and as
she did so, I touched her hand, and saw her bosom heave gently, and
her eyes fill with liquid light, out of which came the language of
love, she said, with a smile and a lisp, that they called her
Bessie. Nature had been all bountiful in bestowing her gifts, for
surely, thought I, the nation can boast of no prettier Bessie. I
thought of the garden of Eden, of the palm groves of Campania, of
every rural beauty that just then beguiled my fancies. But in
neither of them did there seem happiness for me without Bessie for
the idol of my worship. I had, indeed, touched the hidden spring of
her sympathy, and as it gushed forth in unison with my own, I read
the flutterings of her heart in her crimsoning cheeks, and
contemplated the bounties of that Providence which forgets not the
humblest of its creatures. "Oh, sir," said she, "what will my father
say?" and she attempted a frown, and started back as I stole a kiss
of the cheek now suffused with blushes. Then with an arch toss of
the head, she turned her great black eyes rogueishly upon me, and
said in a half whisper that I must not attempt it again. But I could
not resist the magic of her glance, while, together with the
cherry-like freshness of her lips, and the raven blackness of those
glossy curls that hung so ravishingly over her fair blushing cheeks,
discovering a delicately arched brow, and enhancing the sweetness of
her oval face, carried me away captive, and made it seem as if
heaven had created our loves to flow on in one unhallowed stream of
joy. Her dapper figure was neatly set off with a dress of black
silk, buttoned close about the neck, and showing the symmetry of her
bust to great advantage; and over this she wore an apron of brown
silk, gimped at the edge, and her collar and wristbands were of
snowy white linen. "Heaven knows I would not harm thee, for thou art
even too fair; only a knave would rob one so innocent." And I held
her tremblingly by the hand, in the open door, as she attempted to
draw herself away, beseeching me with a bewitching glance to
"remember her youth." Bessie was the landlord's daughter; and though
she was scarce passed her seventeenth summer, had became so famous
for her beauty, as to number her admirers in every village of the
county; and many were the travelers that way who tarried to do
homage to her charms. I had just raised her warm hand to my lips,
hoping, after I had kissed it, to engage her in conversation, when
the door of a room on the opposite side of the passage opened, and a
queer little man, with a hump on his back, and otherwise deformed,
issued therefrom, and with a nervous step hurried down stairs,
muttering to himself like one lost in his own contemplations.
Bessie, with the suddenness of one surprised, vaulted in an opposite
direction, and, ere I had time to cast a glance after her,
disappeared down a back stair, leaving her image behind only to
haunt my fancy, and make me think there was no one else in this
world with whom I could be happy.

A few minutes, and having completed my toilet, I appeared at the
supper table, which the blushing Bessie had spread with all the
niceties of the season, and was waiting to do the honors. My
appetite was indeed keen, but the flashing of her eyes so troubled
my sensitive nature, that I entirely forgot the supper, and began to
inquire, half resolved to end my journey here, if mine host could
accommodate me for a month. Bessie heaved a sigh, saying it should
be done if she had to give up her own room. To which I replied that
nothing could induce me to give her trouble for my sake; that I
would take up my lodgings upon the corn shed, where, with the stars
and her charms to occupy my musings, I could be so happy.

When supper was over, Bessie ushered me into a large sitting room,
on the left of the hall, and bid me good night. A large, square
table, upon which was a copy of Godey's Lady's Book, the New England
Cultivator, the New Bedford Mercury, and sundry other papers of good
morals, stood in the center of the room. The walls were papered in
bright colors, and the floor was covered with an Uxbridge carpet,
the colors of which were green and red, and made fresh by the glare
of a spirit lamp that burned upon the table. A chart of the South
Shoal, a map of Massachusetts and Rhode Island, and sundry rude
drawings in crayon and water colors, hung suspended from the walls.
The air of quiet cheerfulness that pervaded the sitting room,
bespoke the care Bessie had bestowed upon it, and the active part
she took in the management of the household. And, too, there was a
piano standing open at one end of the room, for Bessie, in addition
to having studied Latin and algebra two years at the high school,
had taken music lessons of Monsieur Pensiné, and could play seven
tunes right off.

An aged, clerical-looking man, his visage lean and careworn, with
his newly-married bride, a simply clad country girl of eighteen, sat
at a window, looking out upon a little square, and every few minutes
exchanging caresses they imagined were seen by no one else in the
room. Indeed, when they were not caressing, they were whispering in
very affectionate proximity. Once or twice I overheard, "My
darling," and, "You know, my love," which curt but meaning sentences
are much in fashion with persons on a bridal tour, and who set out
with the belief that earth has no ill that can disturb the solace of
their perhaps weak love.

The little deformed man, of the nervous temperament, and whose well
formed head seemed to have been thrown by accident upon his
distended chest, paced, or rather oscillated up and down the room,
swinging his arms restlessly, now casting a glance of his keen gray
eye at me, then pausing at the farther end of the room to read the
notice of a lecture on Crabbe, inscribed upon a great red poster.
There was something in the lettering of the poster that displeased
him exceedingly, for, having scanned over it, he would turn away
with a quickened pace, and mutter some incoherent sentences no one
present could comprehend, but which his increasing nervousness
betold were expressive of anger. The thought of Bessie made me
impatient, and following the example of the little deformed man, I
also commenced pacing the room, but on the opposite side of the
table, meeting and exchanging glances with him in the center. The
maps upon the walls furnished me themes for contemplation in my
sallies; and I read and reread the exact latitude and longitude of
the South Shoal, as it appeared on the charts. Then I paused at a
front window, and peered out into the starlight night, and saw the
tree tops in a little square opposite, move gently to the breeze,
while my fancies recurred to the association of that home, at the
fireside of which I pictured my father and mother, sitting thinking
of me. At the opposite end of the room I read, for it was there
printed upon the red colored poster, that the celebrated Giles
Sheridan, (who was no less a person than the little deformed man who
paced the room so briskly,) would lecture on Crabbe, in the basement
of the "Orthodox Meeting House," at seven o'clock, on the following
evening.

It perplexed me not a little to know why this Giles Sheridan, this
queer little man, had selected for the subject of his lecture, a
person so little known in the rural districts of Massachusetts. Had
he consulted either the political or mechanical tastes of the
people, instead of their literary, the cause would not have been
involved in so deep a mystery; but this will be explained hereafter.

The clerical looking man had just kissed his young bride, and
muttered something about the joys of paradise, as I, for the ninth
time, paused to ponder over the curious announcement. And as I did
so, the little man, with that sensitiveness common to true genius,
looked up at me with an eye beaming with intelligence, while his
lips quivered, his fingers became restless, and he locked his hands
before him and behind him, in quick succession, then frisked his
straight hair back over his ears with his fingers, and gave out such
other signs of timidity as convinced me that he was a stranger in
the land, and would engage me in conversation merely to unburden his
thoughts. I have said true genius, in speaking of this queer little
man, for indeed, if strange nature had so disfigured his person as
to make it unsightly, she had more than compensated him with the
gifts of a brilliant mind. "Like myself, sir, you are a traveler
this way?" he spoke, with a voice clear and musical, and with just
enough of a refined brogue to discover the land of his nativity, or
to give melody to his conversation. "You will pardon me, sir; but I
saw you evinced an interest in the notice of my lecture. Ah! sir;
even a look of encouragement cheers and fortifies this misgiving
heart of mine. Few, sir, very few, think of me, seeing that there is
nothing about me pleasing to the eye." And as he said this, he
sighed, frisked his left hand across his forehead, and shook his
head. I saw he was troubled with that lack of confidence in himself,
so common to men of his kind; he was also too timid for one thrown
upon a strange land with only genius to aid him in struggling
against adversity. On discovering to him who I was, and that I had
written a Life and Times of Captain Seth Brewster, which my
publisher, and several independent critics he kept in his employ,
had praised into an unprecedented sale, though it was indeed the
veriest rubbish, his pent up enthusiasm gushed forth in a rhapsody
of joy. I told him, too, that two sonnets which I had written, over
the signature of Mary, had been published in the "New Bedford
Mercury," the editor of which very excellent paper said they were
charming, though he never paid me a penny for them. It may interest
all aspiring female poets to know that these little attempts at
verse found their way into the "Home Journal," and were highly
praised by it, as is everything written by Marys of sixteen.

"Men of letters are brothers!" said the little, deformed man,
grasping tightly my hand. "They should bind their sympathies in
eternal friendship. You have no other word for it! The world never
thinks of them until they are dead; ought they not then to be
brothers to one another while they live?" He now placed two chairs,
frisked about like one half crazed, expressed his joy at meeting one
who had aspirations in common with him, said he wished the meek old
lover in the corner had his young bride in paradise, and bid me be
seated and join him in a talk over the past and present of letters.
I replied by saying I was more impatient to know what had brought
him to Barnstable with so strange a subject for his lecture. "That
is the point, and I will tell you; for a stranger is never to blame
for doing wrong when he thinks he is doing right!" said he, with
great earnestness of manner. And he drew his chair closer, and
tapped me impressively on the arm with the fore finger of his right
hand. "And you read my name, Giles Sheridan, on the pink poster. I
am well known in some parts of the world, and not so well known in
others. Thanks to a merciful God, I am not the worst man in the
world, and yet I am deformed; and as the world praises most the
beauty that adorns the surface, so few think of me, care for me, or
say, 'Giles Sheridan, there is meat and wine at my house, where you
will be welcome.' Thinking even a cripple might find favor and
fortune in the country, I came over not long since, and sought the
city of Boston, it being, as many had told me, the great center of
America's learning and refinement. There I gave a lecture or two;
but being a stranger, and deformed withal, the reception I met was
cold and discouraging. Against such men as Lowell, and Curtis, men
born on the soil, and of such goodly person as made them the pets of
the petticoats and pantaletts, I could not hope to succeed. In
truth, I gave up, sick at heart, clean only in pocket, and with the
alternative of a garret and a crust staring me in the face, in a
land of plenty. At length a friendly hand came to my succor, and
through it I was invited by a committee, composed of the tavern
keeper, the schoolmaster, the Unitarian clergyman, and the milkman,
(who had a relish for letters,) to deliver three lectures in this
town, for which they promised to pay me five dollars a lecture, and
my victuals. Yes, sir, my victuals. Five dollars and victuals for a
learned lecture was something for a man whose pocket stood much in
need of replenishing. I came, disposed to do to the best of my
ability; and the victuals I have had, and they are good. I chose
Crabbe for the subject of my lecture, in deference to my own taste,
and also because I was led to believe, judging from analogy, that
the knowledge of men of letters which ruled in Boston, must also
rule in the villages and towns round about. It was that which led me
to announce Crabbe, which announcement has much disturbed the town.
No one seems to know who or what manner of man he was, and many
curious questions have been put to me concerning his origin, the
things he did while living, the manner of his death, and what was
said of him afterwards. Several inquisitive old ladies, who called
to see me to-day, put many questions concerning his morals and
religion. Not entertaining a doubt of his loving all religion that
was founded in truth and reason, I sent them away fully satisfied
that Mr. Crabbe was a man of good standing in the church. You will
remember sir, it was Crabbe who said, 'There sits he upright in his
seat secure, As one whose conscience i

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