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Joe Miller's Jests, with Copious Additions

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Title: Joe Miller's Jests, with Copious Additions

Compiler: John Mottley

Contributor: Joe Miller

Editor: Frank Bellew


        
Release date: July 27, 2013 [eBook #43326]
                Most recently updated: October 23, 2024

Language: English

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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOE MILLER'S JESTS, WITH COPIOUS ADDITIONS ***

  JOE MILLER’S JESTS,

  WITH COPIOUS ADDITIONS.

  EDITED BY
  FRANK BELLEW.


  COPY OF THE TITLE-PAGE TO THE ORIGINAL EDITION.

JOE MILLER’S JESTS; OR, THE WIT’S VADE-MECUM: being a collection of the
most brilliant Jests; the politest _Repartees_; the most elegant _Bon
mots_, and most pleasant short Stories in the _English_ language. First
carefully collected in the company, and many of them transcribed from
the mouth of the Facetious _Gentleman_, whose name they bear; and now
set forth and published by his lamentable friend and former companion,
Elijah Jenkins, Esq. Most humbly inscribed to those Choice Spirits of
the Age, Captain Bodens, Mr. Alexander Pope, Mr. Professor Lacy, Mr.
Orator Henley, and Job Baker, the Kettle-Drummer. London: Printed and
sold by T. Read, in Dogwell Court, White’s Fryars, Fleet Street.
MDCCXXXIX.

  PUBLISHED AT THE
  OFFICE OF THE NORTHERN MAGAZINE,
  39 PARK ROW, NEW-YORK.

  1865.


Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by

A. BELLEW,

In the Clerk’s Office of the District Court of the United States for the
Southern District of New-York.




PREFACE.


A few years ago, at a dinner party in England, a very good story was
told by one of the company, who represented the hero of the anecdote as
a well-known nobleman then living. This story was immediately pronounced
to be an “old Joe.” On this, a warm discussion took place, when it came
out incidentally, that not one of those present had ever seen the book
so familiarly referred to. This discovery aroused the curiosity of one
of the party, who immediately resolved to procure a copy of the work―a
most difficult and costly matter. Having procured the book, he decided
to republish it for the benefit of his benighted fellow-countrymen, and
the following volume is the result.

A singular fact connected with this work is, that every body presumes
that he himself, and every other person, is perfectly familiar with its
contents; and yet, if the reader will ask his friends, it will appear
that not one in a thousand ever set eyes on a copy; indeed, we doubt
much whether there are a dozen persons in the United States who have
ever seen the work.

Mr. Joseph Miller―or Joe Miller, as he is generally called, with a
familiarity that smacks of immortality―whose name as a wit is now
current wherever the English language is spoken, was, when living,
himself a jest for dulness, so that his name appended to this work is
what Mr. Artemus Ward would call “sarkasum.” According to report,
Miller, who _was_ an excellent comic actor, but taciturn and saturnine,
“was in the habit of spending his afternoons at the _Black Jack_, a
well-known public-house in Portsmouth street, Clare Market, which at
that time was frequented by the most respectable tradesmen in the
neighborhood, who, from Joe’s imperturbable gravity, whenever any
risible saying was recounted, ironically ascribed it to him. After his
death, having left his family unprovided for, advantage was taken of
this _badinage_. A Mr. Mottley, a well-known dramatist of that day, was
employed to collect all the stray jests, then current on town. Joe
Miller’s name was prefixed to them, and from that day to this, the man
who never uttered a jest has been the reputed author of every jest, past
and present, and doubtless through future ages will receive credit for
all the good things that may be said by the grandchildren of those
youngsters who now collect ― and our knees, and, in the innocence of
their hearts, never suspect (that which they will, alas! discover in
after years) that we have been palming off on them “Old Joe’s,” as the
production of our own unparalleled humor. Fathers may well dread the
effect this book may have on the filial respect of their sons a
generation hence, when they will cease to be the respected wits and
become the beloved impostors.

This volume not only contains the jests of Joe Miller, but a large
number of others, gathered from collections of Facetiæ previously and
since published. But to the bookworm and student of Jokology, it will be
sufficient to say that the first one hundred and ninety-eight jokes
comprise the whole of the genuine edition.

When we look at the reputation of this Miller, we must needs be deeply
impressed with the capriciousness of the character of Fame. A hero or a
martyr dies―she gives one small toot and hangs up her horn. But some
obscure person is hot with a jest, and her trumpet brays away in his
honor for ages. Then, too, her mendacity―George of England is
advertised as a saint, and Joe Miller as a wit. For aught we can tell to
the contrary, our great-grandchildren may honor the name of Greeley as a
leader of fashion. They may speak of him as Dandy Horace or Beau
Greeley―tailors may adorn their magazines of fashion with his portrait.
Miles O’Reilly may be canonized, and Artemus Ward handed down to
posterity as a general officer in the confederate army.




JOE MILLER’S JESTS.


1. The Duke of Atholl, who says more good things than anybody, being
behind the scenes the first night of the Beggars’ Opera, and meeting
Cibber there, Well, Colley, said he, how do you like the Beggars’ Opera?
Why it makes one laugh, my lord, answered he, on the stage; but how will
it do in print? O! very well, I’ll answer for it, said the duke, if you
don’t write a preface to it.[1]

  [1] See Cibber’s preface to Provoked Husband.


2. There being a great disturbance one night at Drury Lane play-house,
Mr. Wilks, coming upon the stage to say something to pacify the
audience, had an orange thrown full at him, which he having taken up,
making a low bow, This is no civil orange, I think, said he.


3. Joe Miller sitting one day in the window at the Sun Tavern in Clare
Street, a fishwoman and her maid passing by, the woman cried, “Buy my
souls, buy my maids.” Ah! you wicked old creature, said honest Joe, what
are you not content to sell your own soul, but you must sell your maid’s
too?


4. A poor man who had a termagant wife, after a long dispute, in which
she was resolved to have the last word, told her, If she spoke one more
crooked word, he’d beat her brains out. Why then, ram’s-horns, you
rogue, said she, if I die for it.


5. A hackney-coachman, who was just set up, had heard that the lawyers
used to club their threepence a-piece, four of them, to go to
Westminster; and being called by a lawyer at Temple Bar, who, with two
others in their gowns, got into his coach, he was bid to drive to
Westminster Hall; but the coachman still holding his door open, as if he
waited for more company, one of the gentleman asked him, why he did not
shut the door, and go on? The fellow, scratching his head, cried, You
know, master, my fare’s a shilling; I can’t go for ninepence.


6. Two free-thinking authors proposed to a bookseller, that was a little
decayed in the world, That if he would print their works, they would set
him up; and, indeed, they were as good as their word, for in six weeks
time he was in the pillory.


7. A gentleman was saying one day at the Tilt Yard Coffee-house, when it
rained exceedingly hard, that it put him in mind of the general deluge.
Zoons, sir, said an old campaigner, who stood by, who’s that? I have
heard of all the generals in Europe but him.


8. A certain poet and player, remarkable for his impudence and
cowardice, happening many years ago to have a quarrel with Mr. Powel,
another player, received from him a smart box on the ear; a few days
after, the poetical player having lost his snuff-box, and making strict
inquiry if anybody had seen his box, What, said another of the buskined
wits, that which George Powel gave you the other night?


9. Gun Jones, who had made his fortune himself, from a mean beginning,
happening to have some words with a person who had known him some time,
was asked by the other, how he could have the impudence to give himself
so many airs, when he knew very well, that he remembered him seven years
before with hardly a rag to his back. You lie, sirrah, replied Jones,
seven years ago I had nothing but rags to my back.


10. Lord R― having lost fifty pistoles one night at the gaming-table in
Dublin, some friends condoling with him upon his ill luck: Faith, said
he, I am very well pleased at what I have done; for I have bit them,
there is not one pistole that don’t want six-pence of weight.


11. A gentleman saying something in praise of Mrs. C―m, who is, without
dispute, a good player, though exceeding saucy and exceeding ugly;
another said, her face always put him in mind of Mary-bone Park; being
desired to explain himself, he said, It was vastly rude, and had not one
bit of pale about it.


12. A pragmatical young fellow, sitting at table over against the
learned John Scott, asked him, What difference there was between Scott
and Sot? Just the breadth of the table, answered the other.


13. Another poet asked Nat Lee, if it was not easy to write like a
madman, as he did? No, answered Nat; but it is easy to write like a
fool, as you do.


14. Colley, who, notwithstanding his odes, has now and then said a good
thing, being told one night by the late Duke of Wharton, that he
expected to see him hanged or beggared very soon: If I had your grace’s
politics and morals, said the laureat, you might expect both.


15. Sir Thomas More for a long time had only daughters, his wife
earnestly praying that they might have a boy; at last they had a boy,
who, when he came to man’s estate, proved but simple: Thou prayedst so
long for a boy, said Sir Thomas to his wife, that at last thou hast got
one who will be a boy as long as he lives.


16. The same gentleman, when Lord Chancellor, being pressed by the
counsel of the party, for a longer day to perform a decree, said, Take
St. Barnaby’s Day, the longest in the year, which happened to be next
week.


17. This famous Chancellor, who preserved his humour and wit to the last
moment, when he came to be executed on Tower Hill, the headsman demanded
his upper garment as his fee; Ah! friend, said he, taking off his cap,
that, I think, is my upper garment.


18. When Rabelais, the greatest droll in France, lay on his death-bed,
he could not help jesting at the very last moment; for, having received
the extreme unction, a friend coming to see him, said, he hoped he was
prepared for the next world: Yes, yes, replied Rabelais, I am ready for
my journey now; they have just greased my boots.


19. Henry the Fourth of France, reading an ostentatious inscription on
the monument of a Spanish officer, “Here lies the body of Don &c. &c.,
who never knew what fear was.” Then, said the king, he never snuffed a
candle with his fingers.


20. A certain member of the French Academy, who was no great friend to
the Abbot Furetiere, one day took the seat that was commonly used by the
abbot, and soon after having occasion to speak, and Furetiere being by
that time come in: Here is a place, said he, gentlemen, from whence I am
likely to utter a thousand impertinencies. Go on, answered Furetiere,
there’s one already.


21. When Sir Richard Steele was fitting up his great room in York
Buildings, for public orations, he happened at one time to be pretty
much behind-hand with his workmen, and coming one day among them, to see
how they went forward, ordered one of them to get into the rostrum, and
make a speech, that he might observe how it could be heard; the fellow
mounting, and scratching his pate, told him, he knew not what to say,
for in truth he was no orator. Oh! said the knight, no matter for that,
speak anything that comes uppermost. Why here, Sir Richard, says the
fellow, we have been working for you these six weeks, and cannot get one
penny of money: pray, sir, when do you design to pay us?―Very well,
very well, said Sir Richard, pray come down, I have heard enough; I
cannot but own you speak very distinctly, though I don’t admire your
subject.


22. A country clergyman, meeting a neighbour, who never came to church,
although an old fellow of above sixty, he gave him some reproof on that
account, and asked him if he never read at home? No, replied the clown,
I can’t read. I dare say, said the parson, you don’t know who made you.
Not I, in troth, said the countryman. A little boy coming by at the same
time, Who made you, child? said the parson. God, sir, answered the boy.
Why, look you there, quoth the honest clergyman, are not you ashamed to
hear a child of five or six years old tell me who made him, when you,
that are so old a man, cannot? Ah! said the countryman, it is no wonder
that he should remember; he was made but t’other day, it is a great
while, master, sin’ I was made.


23. A certain reverend clergyman in the country was complaining to
another, that it was a great fatigue to preach twice a day. Oh! said the
other, I preach twice every Sunday, and make nothing of it.


24. One of the aforesaid gentlemen, as was his custom, preaching most
exceedingly dull to a congregation not used to him, many of them slunk
out of the church, one after another, before the sermon was near ended.
Truly, said a gentleman present, this learned doctor has made a very
moving discourse.


25. Sir William Davenant the poet had no nose, who going along the Mews
one day, a beggar-woman followed him, crying, Ah! God preserve your
eye-sight, sir; the Lord preserve your eye-sight. Why, good woman, said
he, do you pray so much for my eye-sight? Ah! dear sir, answered the
woman, if it should please God that you grow dim-sighted, you have no
place to hang your spectacles on.


26. A Welchman, bragging of his family, said, His father’s effigy was
set up in Westminster Abbey; being asked whereabouts, he said, In the
same monument with Squire Thynne’s; for he was his coachman.


27. A person was saying, not at all to the purpose, that Samson was a
very strong man. Ay, said another, but you are much stronger, for you
make nothing of lugging him in by the head and shoulders.


28. My Lord Strangford, who stammered very much, was telling a certain
bishop that sat at his table, that Balaam’s ass spoke because he was
pri―est― Priest-rid, sir, (said a valet-de-chambre, who stood behind
the chair,) my lord would say. No, friend, replied the bishop, Balaam
could not speak himself, and so his ass spoke for him.


29. The same noble lord asked a clergyman once, at the bottom of his
table, why the goose, if there was one, was always placed next to the
parson? Really, said he, I can give no reason for it; but your question
is so odd, I shall never see a goose, for the future, without thinking
of your lordship.


30. A gentleman was asking another how that poor devil S―ge could live,
now my Lord T―l had turned him off. Upon his wits, said the other. That
is living upon a slender stock indeed, replied the first.


31. A country parson having divided his text under two and twenty heads,
one of the congregation went out of the church in a great hurry, and
being met by a friend, he asked him, whither he was going? Home for my
night-cap, answered the first, for I find we are to stay here all night.


32. A very modest young gentleman, of the county of Tipperary, having
attempted many ways in vain to acquire the affections of a lady of great
fortune, at last was resolved to try what could be done by the help of
music, and therefore entertained her with a serenade under her windows
at midnight; but she ordered her servant to drive him hence, by throwing
stones at him. Your music, my friend, said one of his companions, is as
powerful as that of Orpheus, for it draws the very stones about you.


33. A certain senator, who, it may be, is not esteemed the wisest man in
the house, has a frequent custom of shaking his head when another
speaks; which, giving offence to a particular person, he complained of
the affront; but one who had been long acquainted with him, assured the
house, It was only an ill habit he had got, for though he would
oftentimes shake his head, there was nothing in it.


34. A gentleman having lent a guinea for two or three days to a person
whose promises he had not much faith in, was very much surprised to
find, that he punctually kept his word with him; the same gentleman
being some time after desirous of borrowing the like sum, No, said the
other, you have deceived me once, and I am resolved you shan’t do it a
second time.


35. My Lord Chief Justice Holt had sent, by his warrant, one of the
French prophets, a foolish sect, that started up in his time, to prison;
upon which, Mr. Lacy, one of their followers, came one day to my lord’s
house, and desired to speak with him; the servants told him, he was not
well, and saw no company that day: But tell him, said Lacy, I must see
him; for I come to him from the Lord; which being told the Chief
Justice, he ordered him to come in, and asked him his business: I come,
said he, from the Lord, who has sent me to thee, and would have thee
grant a _nolle prosequi_ for John Atkins, whom thou hast cast into
prison. Thou art a false prophet, answered my lord, and a lying knave;
for if the Lord had sent thee, it would have been to the Attorney
General; he knows it is not in my power to grant a _nolle prosequi_.


36. Tom B―rn―t happening to be at dinner at my Lord Mayor’s, in the
latter part of Queen Anne’s reign, after two or three healths, the
ministry was toasted; but when it came to Tom’s turn to drink, he
diverted it for some time by telling a story to the person who sat next
him; the chief magistrate of the city, not seeing his toast go round,
called out, Gentlemen, where sticks the ministry? At nothing, said Tom,
and so drank off his glass.


37. My Lord Craven, in King James the First’s reign, was very desirous
to see Ben Jonson, which being told to Ben, he went to my lord’s house;
but being in a very tattered condition, as poets sometimes are, the
porter refused him admittance, with some saucy language, which the other
did not fail to return. My lord, happening to come out while they were
wrangling, asked the occasion of it? Ben, who stood in need of nobody to
speak for him, said, he understood his lordship desired to see him. You,
friend? said my lord, who are you? Ben Jonson, replied the other. No,
no, quoth my lord, you cannot be Ben Jonson, who wrote the Silent Woman;
you look as if you could not say Bo to a goose. Bo, cried Ben. Very
well, said my lord, who was better pleased at the joke than offended at
the affront, I am now convinced, by your wit, you are Ben Jonson.


38. A certain fop was boasting in company that he had every sense in
perfection. There is one you are quite without, said one who was by, and
that is common sense.


39. An Irish lawyer of the Temple having occasion to go to dinner, left
these directions written, and put in the key-hole of his chamber door: I
am gone to the Elephant and Castle, where you shall find me; and if you
can’t read this note, carry it down to the stationer’s, and he will read
it for you.


40. Old Dennis, who had been the author of many plays, going by a
brandy-shop in St. Paul’s Church Yard, the man who kept it came out to
him, and desired him to drink a dram. For what reason? said he. Because
you are a dramatic poet, answered the other. Well, sir, said the old
gentleman, thou art an out-of-the-way fellow, and I will drink a dram
with thee: but when he had so done, he asked him to pay for it: ’Sdeath,
Sir, said the bard, did you not ask me to drink a dram, because I was a
dramatic poet? Yes, sir, replied the fellow, but I did not think you had
been a dram-o’tick poet.


41. Daniel Purcell, the famous punster, and a friend of his, having a
desire to drink a glass of wine together, upon the 30th of January, they
went to the Salutation Tavern upon Holborn Hill, and finding the door
shut, they knocked at it, but it was not opened to them, only one of the
drawers looked through a little wicket, and asked what they would please
to have? Why, open your door, said Daniel, and draw us a pint of wine:
the drawer said, his master would not allow of it that day, for it was a
fast. Hang your master, replied he, for a precise coxcomb, is he not
contented to fast himself, but he must make his doors fast too?


42. The same gentleman calling for some pipes in a tavern, complained
they were too short. The drawer said they had no other, and those were
but just come in. Ay, said Daniel, I see you have not bought them very
long.


43. The same gentleman, as he had the character of a great punster, was
desired one night in company, by a gentleman, to make a pun extempore.
Upon what subject? said Daniel. The King, answered the other. The king,
sir, said he, is no subject.


44. G―s E―l, who, though he is very rich, is remarkable for his sordid
covetousness, told Cibber one night in the green room, that he was going
out of town, and was sorry to part with him, for faith he loved him. Ah!
said Colley, I wish I was a shilling for your sake. Why so? said the
other. Because then, cried the laureat, I should be sure you loved me.


45. Lord C―by, coming out of the House of Lords one day, called out,
Where’s my fellow? Not in England, said a gentleman who stood by.


46. A beggar asking alms under the name of a poor scholar, a gentleman
to whom he applied himself asked him a question in Latin; the fellow,
shaking his head, said, he did not understand him. Why, said the
gentleman, did you not say you were a poor scholar? Yes, replied the
other, a poor one indeed, sir, for I do not understand one word of
Latin.


47. Several years ago, when Mrs. Rogers the player was young and
handsome, Lord North and Grey, remarkable for his homely face, accosting
her one night behind the scenes, asked her with a sigh, what was a cure
for love? Your Lordship, said she; the best I know in the world.


48. Colonel ――, who made the fine fireworks in St. James’s Square,
upon the peace of Ryswick, being in company with some ladies, was highly
commending the epitaph just then set up in the Abbey on Mr. Purcell’s
monument―“He is gone to that place where only his own harmony can be
exceeded.” Well, Colonel, said one of the ladies, the same epitaph might
serve for you, by altering one word only: “He is gone to that place
where only his own fireworks can be exceeded?”


49. Sir B―ch―r W―y, in the beginning of Queen Anne’s reign, and three
or four more drunken tories, reeling home from the Fountain Tavern in
the Strand, on a Sunday morning, cried out, We are the pillars of the
church. No, said a whig, that happened to be in their company, you can
be but the buttresses, for you never come on the inside of it.


50. After the fire of London, there was an act of parliament to regulate
the buildings of the city; every house was to be three stories high. A
Gloucestershire gentleman, a man of great wit and humour, just after
this act passed, going along the street, and seeing a little crooked
gentlewoman on the other side of the way, ran over to her in great
haste; Lord, madam, said he, how dare you to walk the streets thus
publicly? Walk the streets! and why not? answered the little woman.
Because, said he, you are built directly contrary to act of parliament:
you are but two stories high.


51. One Mr. Topham was so very tall and large, that if he was living
now, he might be shewn at Yeate’s theatre for a sight. This gentleman
going one day to inquire for a countryman a little way out of town, when
he came to the house, he looked in at a little window over the door, and
asked the woman, who sat by the fire, if her husband was at home? No,
Sir, said she, but if you please to alight, and come in, I’ll go and
call him.


52. The same gentleman walking across Covent Garden, was asked by a
beggar-woman for a halfpenny, or farthing; but finding he would not part
with his money, she begged he would give her one of his old shoes. He
was very desirous to know what she could do with one shoe. To make my
child a cradle, sir, said she.


53. King Charles II. having ordered a new suit of clothes to be made,
just at a time when addresses were coming up to him from all parts of
the kingdom, Tom Killigrew went to the tailor, and ordered him to make a
very large pocket on one side of the coat, and one so small on the
other, that the king could hardly get his hand into it; which seeming
very odd, when they were brought home, he asked the meaning of it; the
tailor said, Mr. Killigrew ordered it so. Killigrew being sent for, and
interrogated, said, One pocket was for the addresses of his majesty’s
subjects, the other for the money they would give him.


54. My Lord B― had married three wives, who were all his servants; a
beggar-woman meeting him one day in the street, made him a very low
curtesy. Ah, bless your lordship, said she, and send you a long life; if
you do but live long enough, we shall all be ladies in time.


55. Dr. Sadler, who was a very fat man, happening to go thump, thump,
through a street in Oxford, where the paviours were at work, in the
midst of July, the fellows immediately laid down their rammers. Ah,
bless you, master, said one of them, it was very kind of you to come
this way; it saves us a great deal of trouble this hot weather.


56. An arch wag, of St. John’s College, asked another of the same
College, who was a great sloven, why he would not read a certain author
called Go-Clenius.


57. Swan, the famous punster of Cambridge, being a non-juror, upon which
account he had lost his Fellowship, as he was going along the Strand, in
the beginning of King William’s reign, on a very rainy day, a
hackney-coachman called to him, Sir, won’t you please to take coach? it
rains hard. Ay, friend, said he, but this is no rain [reign] for me to
take coach in.


58. When Oliver first coined his money, an old cavalier looking upon one
of the new pieces, read the inscription on one side, God with us: On the
other, The commonwealth of England. I see, said he, God and the
commonwealth are on different sides.


59. Colonel Bond, who had been one of King Charles the First’s judges,
died a day or two before Oliver, and it was strongly reported everywhere
that Cromwell was dead; No, said a gentleman, who knew better, he has
only given Bond to the devil for his further appearance.


60. Mr. Serjeant G―d, being lame of one leg, and pleading before
Judge Fortescue, who had little or no nose, the Judge told him he was
afraid he had but a lame cause of it. Oh! my lord, said the Serjeant,
have but a little patience, and I’ll warrant I prove everything as plain
as the nose on your face.


61. A gentleman, eating some mutton that was very tough, said, it put
him in mind of an old English poet; being asked who that was, Chau-cer,
replied he.


62. Michael Angelo, in his picture of the Last Judgment, in the Pope’s
chapel, painted among the figures in hell that of a certain cardinal,
who was his enemy, so like, that everybody knew it at first sight:
whereupon the cardinal complaining to Pope Clement VII. of the affront,
and desiring that it might be defaced; You know very well, said the
Pope, I have power to deliver a soul out of purgatory, but not out of
hell.


63. A gentleman being at dinner at a friend’s house, the first thing
that came upon the table was a dish of whitings, and one being put upon
his plate, he found it smell so strong, that he could not eat a bit of
it; but he laid his mouth down to the fish, as if he was whispering with
it, and then took up the plate, and put it to his own ear. The
gentleman, at whose table he was, inquiring into the meaning, he told
him, that he had a brother lost at sea about a fortnight ago, and he was
asking that fish if he knew anything of him: And what answer made he?
said the gentleman. He told me, said he, that he could give no account
of him, for he had not been at sea these three weeks.―I would not have
any of my readers apply this story as an unfortunate gentleman did who
had heard it, and was, the next day, whispering a rump of beef, at a
friend’s house.


64. An English gentleman happening to be in Brecknockshire, he used
sometimes to divert himself with shooting; but being suspected not to be
qualified by one of the little Welch justices, his worship told him,
that unless he could produce his qualification, he should not allow him
to shoot there, and he had two little manors. Yes, sir, said the
Englishman, everybody may perceive that. Perceive what? cried the
Welchman: That you have too little manners, said the other.


65. The Chaplain’s boy of a man of war, being sent out of his own ship
of an errand to another, the two boys were comparing notes about their
manner of living: How often, said one, do you go to prayers now? Why,
answered the other, in case of a storm, or any other danger: Ay, said
the first, there’s some sense in that, but my master makes us pray when
there is no more occasion for it than for my leaping overboard.


66. A midshipman, one night, in company with Joe Miller and myself, told
us, that being once in great danger at sea, everybody was observed to be
upon their knees but one man, who, being called upon to come, with the
rest of the hands, to prayers: Not I, said he, it is your business to
take care of the ship, I am but a passenger.


67. Three or four roguish scholars walking out one day from the
University of Oxford, spied a poor fellow near Abingdon asleep in a
ditch, with an ass by him, loaded with earthen ware, holding the bridle
in his hand: says one of the scholars to the rest, If you will assist
me, I’ll help you to a little money, for you know we are bare at
present. No doubt of it they were not long consenting. Why, then, said
he, we’ll go and sell this old fellow’s ass at Abingdon; for you know
the fair is to-morrow, and we shall meet with chapmen enough: therefore
do you take the panniers off, and put them upon my back, and that bridle
over my head, and then lead you the ass to market, and let me alone with
the old man. This being done accordingly, in a little time after, the
poor man awaking, was strangely surprised to see his ass thus
metamorphosed. Oh! for God’s sake, said the scholar, take this bridle
out of my mouth, and this load from my back. Zoons! how came you here?
replied the old man. Why, said he, my father, who is a necromancer, upon
an idle thing I did to disoblige him, transformed me into an ass; but
now his heart has relented, and I am come to my own shape again, I beg
you will let me go home and thank him.―By all means, said the crockery
merchant, I do not desire to have any thing to do with conjuration; and
so set the scholar at liberty, who went directly to his comrades, that
by this time were making merry with the money they had sold the ass for.
But the old fellow was forced to go the next day to seek for a new one
in the fair; and after having looked on several, his own was shown him
for a good one. Oh! said he, what have he and his father quarrelled
again already? No, no, I’ll have nothing to say to him.


68. Mr. Congreve going up the water in a boat, one of the watermen told
him, as they passed by Peterborough House, that that house had sunk a
story. No, friend, said he, I rather believe it is a story raised.


69. The aforesaid house, which is the very last in London, one way,
being rebuilt, a gentleman asked another, Who lived in it? His friend
told him, Sir Robert Grosvenor. I don’t know, said the first, what
estate Sir Robert has, but he ought to have a very good one; for nobody
lives beyond him in the whole town.


70. Two gentlemen disputing about religion, in Button’s Coffee-house,
said one of them, I wonder, sir, you should talk of religion, when I’ll
hold you five guineas you can’t say the Lord’s Prayer. Done, said the
other, and Sir Richard Steele shall hold stakes. The money being
deposited, the gentleman began with, I believe in God, and so went
cleverly through the Creed. Well, said the other, I own I have lost; I
did not think he could have done it.


71. A certain author was telling Dr. Sewel, that a passage he found
fault with in his poem might be justified, and that he thought it a
metaphor: It is such a one, said the doctor, as truly I never met-afore.


72. King Henry VIII. designing to send a nobleman on an embassy to
Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, he begged to be excused,
saying, such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I.
might go near to cost him his life. Fear not, said old Harry, if the
French king should offer to take away your life, I would revenge you by
taking off the heads of many Frenchmen now in my power. But of all those
heads, replied the nobleman, there may not be one to fit my shoulders.


73. A parson preaching a tiresome sermon on happiness or bliss; when he
had done, a gentleman told him he had forgot one sort of happiness:
Happy are they that did not hear your sermon.


74. A country fellow, who was just come to London, gaping about in every
shop he came to, at last looked into a scrivener’s, where seeing only
one man sitting at a desk, he could not imagine what commodity was sold
there; but calling to the clerk, Pray, sir, said he, what do you sell
here?―Loggerheads, cried the other. Do you? answered the countryman;
egad, then you’ve a special trade; for I see you have but one left.


75. Manners, who was himself but lately made Earl of Rutland, told Sir
Thomas More, He was too much elated by his preferment; that he verified
the old proverb, “Honores mutant Mores.” No, my lord, said Sir Thomas,
the pun will do much better in English, “Honors change Manners.”


76. A mayor of Yarmouth, in ancient times, being by his office a justice
of the peace, and one who was willing to dispense the laws wisely,
though he could hardly read, got him the statute book, where, finding a
law against firing a beacon, or causing any beacon to be fired, after
nine of the clock at night; the poor man read it, frying bacon or
causing any bacon to be fried; and accordingly went out the next night
upon the scent, and being directed by his nose to the carrier’s house,
he found the man and his wife both frying of bacon, the husband holding
the pan while the wife turned it; being thus caught in the fact, and
having nothing to say for themselves, his worship committed them both to
jail without bail or mainprize.


77. The late facetious Mr. Spiller, being at the rehearsal, on a
Saturday morning, the time when the actors are usually paid, was asking
another, Whether Mr. Wood, the treasurer of the house, had anything to
say to them that morning: No, faith, Jemmy, replied the other, I’m
afraid there’s no cole―(which is a cant word for money). Then, said
Spiller, if there’s no cole we must burn Wood.


78. A witty knave coming into a lace shop upon Ludgate Hill, said, he
had occasion for a small quantity of very fine lace, and having pitched
upon that he liked, asked the woman of the shop how much she would have
for as much as could reach from one of his ears to the other, and
measure which way she pleased, either over his head or under his chin.
After some words they agreed, and he paid the money down, and began to
measure, saying, One of my ears is here, and the other is nailed to the
pillory in Bristol, therefore I fear you have not enough to make good
the bargain; however, I will take this piece in part, and desire you
will provide the rest with all expedition.


79. When Sir Cloudesly Shovel set out on his last expedition, there was
a form of prayer composed by the Archbishop of Canterbury, for the
success of the fleet, in which his grace made use of this unlucky
expression, That he begged God would be a rock of defence to the fleet;
which occasioned the following lines to be made upon the monument set up
for him in Westminster Abbey, he being cast away in that expedition on
the rocks called The Bishop and his Clerks:

  As Lambeth pray’d, such was the dire event,
  Else had we wanted now this monument;
  That God unto our fleet would be a rock,
  Nor did kind Heaven the wise petition mock:
  To what the Metropolitan said then,
  The Bishop and his Clerks replied, Amen.


80. A French marquis, being one day at dinner at the late Roger
Williams’s, the famous punster and publican, and boasting of the happy
genius of his nation, in projecting all the fine modes and fashions,
particularly the ruffle, which, he said, was de fine ornament to de
hand, and had been followed by all de oder nations. Roger allowed what
he said, but observed at the same time, That the English, according to
custom, had made a great improvement upon their invention, by adding the
shirt to it.


81. A poor dirty shoe-boy going into a church, one Sunday evening, and
seeing the parish boys standing in a row upon a bench to be catechized,
he gets up himself, and stands in the very first place; so the parson,
of course beginning with him, asked him, What is your name? Rugged and
Tough, answered he; Who gave you that name? said Domine: Why the boys in
our alley, replied poor Rugged and Tough.


82. A prince laughing at one of his courtiers, whom he had employed in
several embassies, told him he looked like an owl. I know not, answered
the courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have had the
honor several times to represent your majesty’s person.


83. A lady’s age happening to be questioned, she affirmed she was but
forty, and called upon a gentleman who was in company, for his opinion:
Cousin, said she, do you believe I am in the right when I say I am but
forty? I am sure, madam, replied he, I ought not to dispute it; for I
have constantly heard you say so for above these ten years.


84. A Venetian ambassador, going to the court of Rome, passed through
Florence, when he went to pay his respects to the Duke of Tuscany. The
duke complaining to him of the ambassador the state of Venice had sent
him, as a man unworthy of his public character. Your highness, said he,
must not wonder at it, for we have many idle pates at Venice. So have
we, replied the duke, in Florence; but we do not send them to treat of
public affairs.


85. It being proved in a trial at Guildhall, that a man’s name was
really Inch, who pretended it was Linch, I see, said the judge, the old
proverb is verified in this man, who being allowed an Inch has taken an
L.


86. A certain person came to a cardinal in Rome, and told him that he
had brought his reverence a dainty white palfrey, but he fell lame by
the way. Saith the cardinal to him, I’ll tell thee what thou shalt do;
go to such a cardinal, and such a one, naming half a dozen, and tell
them the same; and so as thy horse, if it had been sound, could have
pleased but one, with this lame horse thou shalt please half a dozen.


87. The Emperor Augustus being shown a young Grecian who very much
resembled him, asked the young man if his mother had not been at
Rome―No, sir, answered the Grecian, but my father has.


88. Cato, the censor, being asked how it came to pass that he had no
statue erected for him, who had so well deserved of the commonwealth? I
had rather, said he, have this question asked, than why I had one.


89. A lady coming into a room hastily with her mantua brushed down a
Cremona fiddle that lay on a chair, and broke it; upon which, a
gentleman that was present, burst into this exclamation from Virgil:

  Mantua, væ miseræ nimium vicina Cremonæ!
  Ah! miserable Mantua, too near a neighbour to Cremona.


90. A devout gentleman being very earnest in his prayers in the church,
it happened that a pickpocket, being near him, stole away his watch,
who, having ended his prayers, missed it, and complained to his friend
that his watch was lost while he was at prayers; to which his friend
replied, Had you watched as well as prayed, your watch had been secure;
adding these following lines:

  He that a watch will wear, this must he do,
  Pocket his watch, and watch his pocket too.


91. A lieutenant-colonel to one of the Irish regiments in the French
service, being dispatched by the Duke of Berwick from Fort-Keil to the
King of France, with a complaint relating to some irregularities that
had happened in the regiment; his majesty, with some emotion of mind,
told him, that the Irish troops gave him more uneasiness than all his
forces besides. Sir, said the officer, all your majesty’s enemies make
the same complaint.


92. Mr. G―n, the surgeon, being sent for to a gentleman who had just
received a slight wound in a rencounter, gave orders to his servant to
go home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain plaister; the
patient turning a little pale, Lord, sir, said he, I hope there is no
danger? Yes, indeed, is there, answered the surgeon, for if the fellow
don’t set up a good pair of heels, the wound will heal before he
returns.


93. Not many years ago, a certain temporal peer having, in a most
pathetic and elegant speech, exposed the vices and irregularities of the
clergy, and vindicated the gentlemen of the army from some imputations
unjustly laid upon them: A prelate, irritated at the nature, as well as
at the length of the speech, desired to know when the noble lord would
leave off preaching? The other answered, The very day he was made a
bishop.


94. It chanced that a merchant ship was so violently tossed in a storm
at sea, that all, despairing of safety, betook themselves to prayer,
saving one mariner, who was ever wishing to see two stars: O! said he,
that I could but see two stars, or but one of the two; and of these
words he made so frequent repetition, that disturbing the meditations of
the rest, at length one asked him what two stars, or what one star he
meant? To whom he replied, O! that I could but see the Star in
Cheapside, or the Star in Coleman Street, I care not which.


95. Dr. Heylin, a noted author, especially for his Cosmography, happened
to lose his way going to Oxford, in the forest of Whichwood, being then
attended by one of his brother’s men, the man earnestly entreated him to
lead the way; but the doctor telling him he did not know it! How, said
the fellow, that is very strange, that you who have made a book of the
whole world, cannot find the way out of this little wood.


96. Monsieur Vaugelas having obtained a pension from the French king, on
the interest of Cardinal Richelieu, the cardinal told him he hoped he
would not forget the word pension in his dictionary. No, my lord, said
Vaugelas, nor the word gratitude.


97. A melting sermon being preached in a country church, all fell a
weeping but one man, who being asked why he did not weep with the rest?
Oh! said he, I belong to another parish.


98. A gentleman who had been out a shooting, brought home a small bird
with him, and having an Irish servant, he asked him if he had shot that
little bird? Yes, he told him. Arrah! by my shoul, honey, replied the
Irishman, it was not worth powder and shot; for this little thing would
have died in the fall.


99. An Irishman being at a tavern, where the cook was dressing some
carp, observed some of them move after they were gutted and put into the
pan, which very much surprising Teague, Well now, faith, said he, of all
the Christian creatures that ever I saw, this same carp will live the
longest after it is dead of any fish.


100. A young fellow riding down a steep hill, and doubting the foot of
it was boggish, called out to a clown that was ditching, and asked him
if it was hard at the bottom. Ay, answered the countryman, it is hard
enough at the bottom, I’ll warrant you. But in half a dozen steps the
horse sunk up to the saddle skirts, which made the young gallant whip,
spur, curse and swear. Why, thou rascal, said he to the ditcher, didst
thou not tell me it was hard at bottom? Ay, replied the other, but you
are not half way to the bottom yet.


101. It was said of one who remembered everything that he lent, but
quite forgot what he borrowed, that he had lost half his memory.


102. One speaking of Titus Oates, said, he was a villain in grain, and
deserved to be well threshed.


103. It was said of Henry Duke of Guise, that he was the greatest
usurer in all France, for he had turned all his estate into
obligations―meaning he had sold and mortgaged his patrimony to make
presents to other men.


104. An Englishman and a Welchman disputing in whose country was the
best living; said the Welchman, There is such noble housekeeping in
Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks employed at one wedding
dinner. Ay, answered the Englishman, that was because every man toasted
his own cheese.


105. The late Sir Godfrey Kneller had always a great contempt, I will
not pretend to say how justly, for Jervis the painter; and being one day
about twenty miles from London, one of his servants told him at dinner,
that there was Mr. Jervis come that day into the same town with a coach
and four. Ay, said Sir Godfrey, but if his horses draw no better than
himself, they will never carry him to town again.


106. A gentleman asked Nanny Rochford why the Whigs, in their mourning
for Queen Anne, all wore silk stockings? Because, says she, the Tories
were worsted.


107. A counsellor pleading at the bar with spectacles on, who was blind
with one eye, said he would produce nothing but what was _ad rem_. Then,
said one of the adverse party, you must take out one glass of your
spectacles, which I am sure is of no use.


108. The famous Tom Thynne, who was very remarkable for his good
housekeeping and hospitality, standing one day at his gate in the
country, a beggar coming up to him cried, He begged his worship would
give him a mug of his small beer. Why, how now, said he, what times are
these, when beggars must be choosers! I say, bring this fellow a mug of
strong beer.


109. It was said of a person, who always ate at other people’s tables,
and was a great railer, that he never opened his mouth but to somebody’s
cost.


110. Pope Sixtus Quintus, who was a poor man’s son, and his father’s
house ill thatched, so that the sun came in at many places of it, would
himself make a jest of his birth, and say, That he was _nato di casa
illustre_.


111. Diogenes begging, as was the custom among many philosophers, asked
a prodigal man for more than any one else; whereupon one said to him, I
see your business, that when you find a liberal mind, you will make the
most of him. No, said Diogenes, but I mean to beg of the rest again.


112. Dr. Sewel, and two or three more gentlemen, walking towards
Hampstead on a summer’s day, were met by the famous Daniel Purcell, who
was very importunate with them to know upon what account they were going
there. The doctor merrily answering him, To make hay. Very well, replied
the other, you will be there at a very convenient season, the country
wants rakes.


113. A gentleman speaking of his servant said, I believe I command more
than any man; for before my servant will obey me in one thing, I must
command him ten times over.


114. A poor fellow who was carrying to execution, had a reprieve just as
he came to the gallows, and was carried back by a sheriff’s officer, who
told him he was a happy fellow, and asked him if he knew nothing of the
reprieve beforehand? No, replied the fellow, nor thought any more of it
than I did of my dying day.


115. A countryman admiring the stately fabric of St. Paul’s, asked,
whether it was made in England, or brought from beyond sea?


116. Fabricius, the Roman consul, showed a great nobleness of mind, when
the physician of King Pyrrhus made him a proposal to poison his master,
by sending the physician back to Pyrrhus, with these memorable words;
Learn, O king, to make better choice both of thy friends and of thy
foes.


117. A soldier was bragging before Julius Cæsar of the wounds he had
received in his face. Cæsar, knowing him to be a coward, told him he had
best take heed the next time he ran away, how he looked back.


118. The Trojans sending ambassadors to condole with Tiberius, upon the
death of his father-in-law, Augustus, it was so long after, that the
emperor hardly thought it a compliment; but told them he was likewise
sorry that they had lost so valiant a knight as Hector [slain above a
thousand years before].


119. Cato Major used to say, That wise men learnt more from fools, than
fools from wise men.


120. A braggadocio chancing, upon an occasion, to run away full speed,
was asked by one, What was become of that courage he used so much to
talk of? It is got, said he, all into my heels.


121. Somebody asked my Lord Bacon what he thought of poets? Why, said
he, I think them the very best writers next to those who write in prose.


122. A profligate young nobleman, being in company with some sober
people, desired leave to toast the devil. The gentleman, who sat next to
him, said, He had no objection to any of his lordship’s friends.


123. A Scotsman was very angry with an English gentleman, who, he said,
had abused him, and called him, false Scot. Indeed, said the Englishman,
I said no such thing, but that you were a true Scot.


124. The late Commissary-General G―ley, who once kept a glass-shop,
having Colonel P―c―k’s regiment under a muster, made great complaints
of the men’s appearance, &c., and said that the regiment ought to be
broke. Then, sir, said the Colonel, perhaps you think a regiment is as
soon broke as a looking-glass.


125. Curll, the bookseller, being under examination at the bar of the
House of Lords, for publishing the posthumous works of the late Duke of
Buckingham, without leave of the family, told their Lordships in his
defence, That if the duke was living, he was sure he would readily
pardon the offence.


126. Mr. E―ll―s, the painter, having finished a very good picture of
Figg, the prize-fighter, who had been famous in getting the better of
several Irishmen of the same profession, the piece was shown to old
Johnson the player, who was told at the same time, that Mr. E―ll―s
designed to have a mezzotinto print taken from it, but wanted a motto to
be put under it. Then, said old Johnson, I’ll give you one: A Fig for
the Irish.


127. A gentleman coming to an inn in Smithfield, and seeing the ostler
expert and tractable about the horses, asked how long he had lived
there, and what countryman he was? I’se Yorkshire, said the fellow, and
ha’ lived sixteen years here. I wonder, replied the gentleman, that, in
so long a time, so clever a fellow as you seem to be, have not come to
be master of the inn yourself. Ay, answered the ostler, but maister’s
Yorkshire too.


128. The late Colonel Chartres, reflecting on his ill life and
character, told a certain nobleman, that if such a thing as a good name
was to be purchased, he would freely give 10,000_l._ for one. The
nobleman said, it would certainly be the worst money he ever laid out in
his life. Why so? said the honest Colonel. Because, answered the lord,
you would forfeit it again in less than a week.


129. A seedy, poor, half-pay captain, who was much given to blabbing
everything he heard, was told, There was but one secret in the world he
could keep, and that was, where he lodged.


130. Jack M―n going one day into the apartments in St. James’s, found a
lady of his acquaintance sitting in one of the windows, who very
courteously asked him to sit down by her, telling him there was a place.
No, madam, said he, I do not come to court for a place. If the gentle
reader should have a desire to repeat this story, let him not make the
same blunder that a certain English-Irish foolish lord did, who made the
lady ask Jack to sit down by her, telling him there was room.


131. A certain lady of quality sending her Irish footman to fetch home a
pair of new stays, strictly charged him to take coach if it rained, for
fear of wetting them: but a great shower of rain falling, the fellow
returned with the stays dropping wet; and being severely reprimanded for
not doing as he was ordered to do, he said, he had obeyed her orders.
How then, answered the lady, could the stays be wet, if you took them
into the coach with you? No, replied Teague, I knew my place better, I
did not go into the coach, but rode behind, as I always used to do.


132. Tom Warner, the late publisher of newspapers and pamphlets, being
very near his end, a gentlewoman in the neighbourhood sending her maid
to inquire how he did? he bid the girl tell her mistress, That he hoped
he was going to the new Jerusalem. Ay, dear sir, said she, I dare say
the air of Islington would do you more good.


133. The deputies of Rochelle attending to speak with Henry the Fourth
of France, met with a physician who had renounced the Protestant
religion, and embraced the Popish communion, whom they began to revile
most grievously. The king, hearing of it, told the deputies, he advised
them to change their religion too; for it is a dangerous symptom, said
he, that your religion is not long lived, when a physician has given it
over.


134. Two Oxford scholars meeting on the road with a Yorkshire ostler,
they fell to bantering him, and told the fellow that they would prove
him to be a horse or an ass. Well, said the ostler, and I can prove your
saddle to be a mule. A mule! cried one of them, how can that be?
Because, said the ostler, it is something between a horse and an ass.


135. A Frenchman travelling between Dover and London, came into an inn
to lodge, when the host, perceiving him a close-fisted cur, having
called for nothing but a pint of beer and a pennyworth of bread, to eat
with a salad he gathered by the way, resolved to fit him for it,
therefore seemed to pay him an extraordinary respect, laid him a clean
cloth for supper, and complimented him with the best bed in the house.
In the morning he set a good salad before him, with cold meat, butter,
&c., which provoked the monsieur to the generosity of calling for
half-a-pint of wine; then coming to pay, the host gave him a bill,
which, for the best bed, wine, salad, and other appurtenances, he had
enhanced to the value of twenty shillings. Jernie, says the Frenchman,
twenty shillings! Vat you mean? But all his spluttering was in vain; for
the host, with a great deal of tavern elocution, made him sensible
nothing could be abated. The monsieur, therefore, seeing no remedy but
patience, seemed to pay it cheerfully. After which, he told the host,
that his house being extremely troubled with rats, he could give him a
receipt to drive them away, so as they should never return again. The
host being very desirous to be rid of those troublesome guests, who were
every day doing him one mischief or another, at length concluded to give
monsieur twenty shillings for a receipt: which done, Big-gar, says the
monsieur, you make a de rat one such bill as you make me, and if ever
dey trouble your house again, me will be hang.


136. A Westminster justice taking coach in the city, and being set down
at Youngman’s Coffee-house, Charing Cross, the driver demanded
eighteenpence as his fare, the justice asked him if he would swear the
ground came to the money. The man said, He would take his oath on’t. The
justice replied, Friend, I’m a magistrate; and pulling the book out of
his pocket, administered the oath, and then gave the fellow sixpence,
saying, he must reserve the shilling to himself for the affidavit.


137. A countryman passing along the Strand, saw a coach overturned, and
asking what the matter was, he was told, That three or four members of
parliament were overturned in that coach. Oh! says he, there let them
lie; my father always advised me not to meddle with state affairs.


138. One saying that Mr. Dennis was an excellent critic, was answered,
That indeed his writings were much to be valued; for that by his
criticism, he taught men how to write well; and by his poetry showed
them what it was to write ill; so that the world was sure to edify by
him.


139. One going to see a friend who had lain a considerable time in the
Marshalsea prison, in a starving condition, was persuading him, rather
than lie there in that miserable case, to go to sea; which not agreeing
with his high spirit, I thank you for your advice, replied the prisoner,
but if I go to sea, I’m resolved it shall be upon good ground.


140. A drunken fellow carrying his wife’s bible to pawn for a quartern
of gin, to an ale-house, the man of the house refused to take it. What,
said the fellow, will neither my word nor the word of God pass with you?


141. A certain Justice of the Peace not far from Clerkenwell, in the
first year of King George the First, when his clerk was reading a
mittimus to him, coming to Anno Domini 1714, he cried out with some
warmth, And why not Georgio Domini? sure, you forget yourself strangely.


142. A certain nobleman, a courtier, in the beginning of the late reign,
coming out of the House of Lords, accosted the Duke of Buckingham, with,
How does your pot boil, my lord, these troublesome times? To which his
grace replied, I never go into my kitchen, but I dare say the scum is
uppermost.


143. The Lord North and Grey being once at an assembly at the Theatre
Royal in the Haymarket, was pleased to tell Mr. Heidigger, he would make
him a present of 100_l._, if he could produce an uglier face in the
whole kingdom, than his, the said Heidigger’s, within a year and a day.
Mr. Heidigger went instantly and fetched a looking-glass, and presented
it to his lordship, saying, He did not doubt but that his lordship had
honour enough to keep his promise.


144. A person who had an unmeasurable stomach, coming to a cook-shop to
dine, said, it was not his way to have his meat cut, but to pay 8_d._
for his ordinary; which the cook seemed to think reasonable enough, and
so set a shoulder of mutton before him of a half-crown price, to cut
where he pleased; with which he so played the cormorant, that he
devoured all but the bone, paid his ordinary and trooped off. The next
time he came, the cook casting a sheep’s-eye at him, desired him to
agree for his victual, for he’d have no more ordinaries. Why? says he, I
am sure I paid you an ordinary price.


145. The extravagant Duke of Buckingham (Villiers) once said in a
melancholy humour, he was afraid he should die a beggar, which was the
most terrible thing in the world; upon which a friend of his grace
replied, No, my lord, there is a more terrible thing than that, and
which you have reason to fear, and that is, that you will live a beggar.


146. The same noble Duke, another time, was making his complaint to Sir
John Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him
what he should do to prevent the ruin of his estate? Live as I do, my
lord, said Sir John. That I can do, answered the duke, when I am ruined.


147. At another time a person who had long been a dependant on His
Grace, begged his interest for him at court; and to press the thing more
home upon the duke, said, he had nobody to depend upon but God and His
Grace. Then, said the duke, you are in a miserable way; for you could
not have pitched upon any two persons who have less interest at court.


148. The old Lord Strangford taking a bottle with the parson of the
parish, was commending his own wine: Here, doctor, said he, I can send a
couple of ho-ho-hounds to Fra-Fra-France (for his lordship had a great
impediment in his speech) and have a ho-ho-hogs-head of this wine for
them: What do you say to that, doctor? Why, replied he, I say, that your
lordship has your wine dog cheap.


149. The famous Jack Ogle of facetious memory, having borrowed on note
five pounds, and failing the payment, the gentleman who had lent it,
indiscreetly took occasion to talk of it in the public coffee-house,
which obliged Jack to take notice of it, so that it came to a challenge.
Being got into the field, the gentleman, a little tender in point of
courage, offered him the note to make the matter up, to which our hero
consented readily, and had the note delivered. But now, said the
gentleman, if we should return without fighting, our companions will
laugh at us; therefore, let’s give one another a slight scar, and say we
wounded one another. With all my heart, says Jack; come, I’ll wound you
first; so drawing his sword, he whipt it through the fleshy part of his
antagonist’s arm, till he brought the very tears in his eyes. This being
done, and the wound tied up with a handkerchief: Come, said the
gentleman, where shall I wound you? Jack putting himself in a fighting
posture, cried, Where you can, good sir. Well, well, said the other, I
can swear I received this wound of you; and so marched off contentedly.


150. A traveller coming into an inn once, on a very cold night, stood so
near the fire that he burned his boots. An arch rogue that sat in the
chimney corner, called out to him, Sir, you’ll burn your spurs
presently. My boots you mean, I suppose? No, sir, said he, they are
burned already.


151. In eighty-eight, when Queen Elizabeth went from Temple Bar along
Fleet Street, on some procession, the lawyers were ranged on one side of
the way, and the citizens on the other; says the Lord Bacon, then a
student, to a lawyer that stood next to him, Do but observe the
courtiers; if they bow first to the citizens, they are in debt; if to
us, they are in law.


152. Some gentlemen having a hare for supper at a tavern, the cook,
instead of a pudding, had crammed the belly full of thyme, but had not
above half roasted the hare, the legs being almost raw; which one of the
company observing, said, There was too much thyme (time) in the belly,
and too little in the legs.


153. Two countrymen, who had never seen a play in their lives, nor had
any notion of it, went to the theatre in Drury Lane, when they placed
themselves snug in the corner of the middle gallery; the first music
played, which they liked well enough; then the second and third, to
their great satisfaction: at length the curtain drew up, and three or
four actors entered to begin the play; upon which one of the countrymen
cried to the other, Come, Hodge, let’s be going, mayhap the gentlemen
are talking about business.


154. A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way,
called to him with an insolent air, Well, honest fellow, said one of
them, ’tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour.
To which the countryman replied, ’Tis very likely you may, truly; for I
am sowing hemp.


155. Two inseparable comrades who rode in the guards in Flanders, had
everything in common between them. One of them being an extravagant
fellow, and unfit to be trusted with money, the other was always
purse-bearer, which yet he gained little by, for the former would at
night frequently pick his pocket to the last stiver; to prevent which,
he bethought himself of a stratagem; and coming among his companions the
next day, he told them he had bit his comrade. Ah, how? said they. Why,
replied he, I hid my money in his own pocket last night, and I was sure
he would never look for it there.


156. The famous Sir George Rook, when he was a captain in the marines,
was quartered at a village where he buried a pretty many of his men; at
length the parson refused to perform the ceremony of their interment
unless he was paid for it; which being told Captain Rook, he ordered six
men of his company to carry the corpse of the soldier then dead, and lay
him upon the parson’s hall-table. This so embarrassed the parson, that
he sent the captain word, if he would fetch the man away, he would bury
him and all his company for nothing.


157. A reverend and charitable divine, for the benefit of the country
where he resided, caused a large causeway to be begun; and as he was one
day overlooking the work, a certain nobleman came by: Well, doctor, said
he, for all your great pains and charity, I don’t take this to be the
highway to heaven. Very true, replied the doctor, for if it had, I
should have wondered to have met your lordship here.


158. Two Jesuits having packed together an innumerable parcel of
miraculous lies, a person who heard them, without taking upon him to
contradict them, told them one of his own: That at St. Alban’s there was
a stone cistern, in which water was always preserved for the use of that
saint, and that ever since, if a swine should drink out of it, he would
instantly die. The Jesuits, hugging themselves at the story, set out the
next day to St. Alban’s, where they found themselves miserably deceived.
On their return, they upbraided the person with telling them so
monstrous a story. Look you there now, said he, you told me a hundred
lies t’other night, and I had more breeding than to contradict you: I
told you but one, and you have rid twenty miles to confute me, which is
very uncivil.


159. A Welchman and an Englishman vapouring one day at the fruitfulness
of their countries, the Englishman said, there was a close near the town
where he was born, which was so very fertile, that if a kiboo was thrown
in overnight, it would be so covered with grass that it should be
difficult to find it the next day. Splut, said the Welchman, what’s
that? There’s a close where hur was born, where you may put your horse
in overnight, and not be able to find him next morning.


160. A country fellow in Charles the Second’s time, selling his load of
hay in the Haymarket, two gentlemen who came out of the Blue Posts, were
talking of affairs; one said, that things did not go right, the king had
been at the house and prorogued the parliament. The countryman coming
home, was asked, What news in London? Odd’s heart, said he, there’s
something to do there, the king has, it seems, berogued the parliament
sadly.


161. A wild young gentleman having married a very discreet, virtuous
young lady, the better to reclaim him, she caused it to be given out at
his return that she was dead, and had been buried. In the meantime, she
had so placed herself in disguise, as to be able to observe how he took
the news; and finding him still the gay, inconstant man he always had
been, she appeared to him as the ghost of herself, at which he seemed
not at all dismayed; at length, disclosing herself to him, he then
appeared pretty much surprised; a person by said, Why, sir, you seem
more afraid now than before! Ay, replied he, most men are more afraid of
a living wife than of a dead one.


162. An under officer of the Customs at the port of Liverpool, running
heedlessly along the ship’s gunnel, happened to tip overboard, and was
drowned; being soon after taken up, the coroner’s jury was summoned to
sit upon the body. One of the jurymen returning home, was called to by
an alderman of the town, and asked, what verdict they brought in, and
whether they found it _felo de se_? Ay, ay, says the juryman, shaking
his noddle, he fell into the sea, sure enough.


163. One losing a bag of money of about 50_l._ between the Temple Gate
and Temple Bar, fixed a paper up, offering 10_l._ reward to those who
took it up, and should return it; upon which the person that had it,
came and writ underneath to the following effect: Sir, I thank you, but
you bid me to my loss.


164. Two brothers coming to be executed once for some enormous crime,
the eldest was turned off first, without speaking one word; the other
mounting the ladder, began to harangue the crowd, whose ears were
attentively open to hear him, expecting some confession from him. Good
people, says he, my brother hangs before my face, and you see what a
lamentable spectacle he makes; in a few moments I shall be turned off
too, and then you will see a pair of spectacles.


165. It was an usual saying of King Charles II., that sailors got their
money like horses, and spent it like asses. The following story is
somewhat an instance of it; one sailor coming to see another on pay-day,
desired to borrow twenty shillings of him. The monied man fell to
telling out the sum in shillings, but a half-crown thrusting its head
in, put him out, and he began to tell again; but then an impertinent
crown-piece was as officious as his half brother had been, and again
interrupted the tale; so that taking up a handful of silver, he cried,
Here, Jack, give me a handful when your ship’s paid; what signifies
counting it?


166. A person inquiring what became of Such-a-one? Oh, dear, says one of
the company, poor fellow, he died insolvent, and was buried by the
parish. Died insolvent! cries another, that’s a lie, for he died in
England: I am sure, I was at his burying.


167. A humorous countryman having bought a barn in partnership with a
neighbor of his, neglected to make the least use of it, whilst the other
had plentifully stored his part with corn and hay. In a little time the
latter came to him, and conscientiously expostulated with him about
laying out his money so fruitlessly. Pray neighbour, says he, ne’er
trouble your head, you may do what you will with your part of the barn,
but I will set mine o’ fire.


168. A young gentlewoman, who had married a very wild spark, that had
run through a plentiful fortune, and was reduced to some straits, was
innocently saying to him one day, My dear, I want some shifts sadly. How
can that be? replied he, when we make so many every day.


169. A fellow once standing in the pillory at Temple Bar, it occasioned
a stop, so that a carman with a load of cheeses had much ado to pass;
and driving just up to the pillory, he was asked, What that was that was
writ over the person’s head? They told him, it was a paper to signify
his crime, that he stood for forgery. Ay! said he, What is forgery? They
answered him, That forgery was counterfeiting another’s hand, with
intent to cheat people. To which the carman replied, looking up at the
offender, Oh, this comes of your writing and reading, you silly dog.


170. When the Prince of Orange came over, five of the seven bishops who
were sent to the Tower, declared for his highness, and the two others
would not come into measures; upon which, Mr. Dryden said, that the
seven Golden Candlesticks were sent to be assayed at the Tower, and five
of them proved to be prince’s metal.


171. A dog coming open-mouthed at a serjeant on a march, he ran the
spear of his halbert into his throat and killed him. The owner coming
out, raved extremely that his dog was killed, and asked the serjeant,
Why he could not as well have struck at him with the blunt end of the
halbert? So I would, said he, if he had run at me with his tail.


172. King Charles II. being in company with Lord Rochester and others of
the nobility, who had been drinking best part of the night, Killigrew
came in. Now, says the king, we shall hear of our faults. No, faith,
says Killigrew, I don’t care to trouble my head with that which all the
town talks of.


173. One, who had been a very termagant wife, lying on her death-bed,
desired her husband, That as she had brought him a fortune, she might
have liberty to make her will, for bestowing a few legacies to her
relations. No, madam, says he, you have had your will all your lifetime,
and now I will have mine.


174. When the Lord Jeffries, before he was a judge, was pleading at the
bar once, a country fellow giving evidence against his client, pushed
the matter very home on the side he swore of. Jeffries, after his usual
way, called out to the fellow, Hark you, you fellow in the leather
doublet, what have you for swearing? To which the countryman smartly
replied, Faith, sir, if you have no more for lying than I have for
swearing, you may go in a leather doublet too.


175. The same Jeffries afterward on the bench, told an old fellow with a
long beard, that he supposed he had a conscience as long as his beard.
Does your lordship, replied the old man, measure consciences by beards?
If so, your lordship has no beard at all.


176. Apelles, the famous painter, having drawn the picture of Alexander
the Great on horseback, brought it and presented it to the prince; but
he not bestowing that praise on it which so excellent a piece deserved,
Apelles desired a living horse might be brought; who, moved by nature,
fell a prancing and neighing, as though it had been actually a living
creature of the same species; whereupon Apelles told Alexander, That his
horse understood painting better than himself.


177. A company of gamesters falling out at a tavern, gave one another
very scurvy language; at length, those dreadful messengers of anger, the
bottles and glasses, flew about like hail shot; one of which mistaking
its errand, and hitting the wainscot instead of the person’s head it was
thrown at, brought the drawer rushing in, who cried, D’ye call,
gentlemen? Call gentlemen, said one of the standers by, no, they don’t
call gentlemen, but they call one another rogue and rascal as fast as
they can.


178. One observing a crooked fellow in close argument with another, who
would have dissuaded him from some inconsiderable resolution, said to
his friend, Prithee let him alone, and say no more to him, you see he’s
bent upon it.


179. Bully Dawson was overturned in a hackney-coach once, pretty near
his lodgings; and being got on his legs again, he said, ’Twas the
greatest piece of providence that ever befell him, for it had saved him
the trouble of bilking the coachman.


180. Sir Godfrey Kneller and the late Dr. Ratcliffe had a garden in
common, with a common gate: Sir Godfrey upon some occasion, ordered the
gate to be nailed up. When the doctor heard of it, he said he did not
care what Sir Godfrey did to the gate, so he did not paint it. This
being told Sir Godfrey, he replied he would take that, or anything else,
from his good friend Dr. Ratcliffe, but his physic.


181. A certain worthy gentleman having among his friends the nickname of
Bos, which was a kind of contraction of his real name; when his late
majesty conferred the honour of a peerage upon him, a pamphlet was soon
after published, with many sarcastical jokes upon him, and had this part
of a line from Horace as a motto, viz., “_Optat epipipa Bos_.” My lord
asked a friend who could read Latin, What that meant? It is as much as
to say, my lord, said he, that you become honours as a sow does a
saddle. Oh! very fine! said my lord. Soon after, another friend coming
to see him, the pamphlet was again spoken of. I would, says my lord,
give five hundred pounds to know the author of it. I don’t know the
author of the pamphlet, said his friend, but I know who wrote the motto.
Ay, cried my lord, prithee who was it? Horace, answered the other. How,
replied his lordship, a dirty dog, is that the return he makes for all
the services I have done him and his brother?


182. In the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the former, who
was a great courtier, said, His adversary reasoned well, but he barked
like a cur. To which the other replied, That fawning was the property of
a cur as well as barking.


183. Second thoughts, we commonly say, are best, and young women, who
pretend to be averse to marriage, desire not to be taken at their words.
One asking a girl, If she would have him? Faith, no, John, says she, but
you may have me, if you will.


184. A gentleman lying on his death-bed, called to his coachman, who had
been an old servant, and said, Ah, Tom, I am going a long and rugged
journey, worse than ever you drove me. Oh, dear sir, replied the fellow,
(he having been but an indifferent master to him,) ne’er let that
discourage you, for it is all down hill.


185. An honest bluff country farmer, meeting the parson of the parish in
a bye lane, and not giving him the way so readily as he expected, the
parson with an erected crest, told him he was better fed than taught.
Very true, indeed, sir, replied the farmer, for you teach me, and I feed
myself.


186. One making a furious assault upon a hot apple pie, burned his mouth
until the tears ran down, his friend asked him, Why he wept? Only, said
he, because it is just come into my mind, that my grandmother died this
day twelvemonth. Phoo, said the other, is that all? so whipping a large
piece into his mouth, he quickly sympathized with his companion; who
seeing his eyes brim full, with a malicious sneer, asked him why he
wept? Because you were not hanged the same day your grandmother died.


187. A lady who had married a gentleman that was a tolerable poet, one
day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my dear, you write upon
other people, prithee write something for me; let me see what epitaph
you’ll bestow upon me when I die. Oh, my dear, replied he, that’s a
melancholy subject, prithee don’t think of it. Nay, upon my life you
shall, adds she. Come, I’ll begin―

            Here lies Bid-
  To which he answered,
            Ah! I wish she did.


188. A cowardly servant having been hunting with his lord, they had
killed a wild boar; the fellow seeing the boar stir, betook himself to a
tree; upon which his master called to him, and asked him What he was
afraid of? the boar’s guts are out. No matter for that, said he, his
teeth are in.


189. One telling another that he had once so excellent a gun, that it
went off immediately upon a thief’s coming into the house, although it
was not charged. How the devil can that be? said the other. Because,
said the first, the thief carried it off; and what was worse, before I
had time to charge him with it.


190. Some gentlemen coming out of a tavern pretty merry, a link-boy
cried, Have a light, gentlemen? Light yourself to the devil, you dog,
said one of the company. Bless you, master, replied the boy, we can find
the way in the dark; shall we light your worship thither?


191. A person was once tried at Kingston before the late Lord Chief
Justice Holt, for having two wives, where one Unit was to have been the
chief evidence against him. After much calling for him, word was brought
that they could hear nothing of him. No! says his lordship, why then,
all I can say is, Mr. Unit stands for a cipher.


192. It is certainly the most transcendent pleasure to be agreeably
surprised with the confession of love from an adored mistress. A young
gentleman, after a very great misfortune, came to his mistress, and told
her, he was reduced even to the want of five guineas. To which she
replied, I am glad of it, with all my heart. Are you so, madam? adds he,
suspecting her constancy: Pray, why so? Because, said she, I can furnish
you with five thousand.


193. On a public night of rejoicing, when bonfires and illuminations
were made, some honest fellows were drinking the king’s health, and
prosperity to England as long as the sun and moon endured. Ay, says one,
and 500 years after, for I have put both my sons apprentices to a
tallow-chandler.


194. A young fellow having made an end of all he had, even to his last
suit of clothes, one said to him, Now, I hope, you’ll own yourself a
happy man, for you have made an end of all your cares. How so? said the
gentleman. Because, said the other, you have nothing left to take care
of.


195. Dr. Lloyd, Bishop of Worcester, so eminent for his prophecies, when
by his solicitations and compliance at court, he got removed from a poor
Welsh bishopric, to a rich English one, a reverend Dean of the church
said, that he found his brother Lloyd spelt prophet with an _f_.


196. Some years ago, when his majesty used to hunt frequently in
Richmond Park, it brought such crowds of people thither, that orders
were given to admit none, when the king was there himself, but the
servants of his household. A fat country parson having on one of these
days a great inclination to make one of the company, Captain B―d―ns
promised to introduce him; but coming to the gate, the keepers would
have stopped him, by telling him that none but the household were to be
admitted. Why, said the captain, don’t you know the gentleman? He’s his
majesty’s hunting chaplain. Upon which, the keepers asked pardon, and
left the reverend gentleman to his recreation.


197. The learned Mr. Charles Barnard, serjeant-surgeon to Queen Anne,
being very severe upon parsons having pluralities, a reverend and worthy
divine heard him a good while with patience, but at length took him up
with this question: Why do you, Mr. Serjeant Barnard, rail thus at
pluralities, who have always so many fine cures upon your hands?


198. A worthy old gentleman in the country having employed an attorney,
of whom he had a pretty good opinion, to do some law business for him in
London, he was greatly surprised, on his coming to town, and demanding
his bill of law charges, to find that it amounted to at least three
times the sum he expected; the honest attorney assured him, that there
was no article in his bill, but what was fair and reasonable. Nay, said
the country gentleman, there’s one of them I am sure cannot be so, for
you have set down three shillings and fourpence for going to Southwark,
when none of my business lay that way; pray, what is the meaning of
that, sir? Oh, sir, said he, that was for fetching the chine and turkey
from the carrier’s that you sent me for a present out of the country.


199. A gentleman going into a meeting-house, and stumbling over one of
the forms that were set there, cried out in a passion, Who expected set
forms in a meeting-house?


200. My Lord Chief Justice Jeffries had a cause before him between a Jew
that was plaintiff, and a Christian defendant. The latter pleaded,
though the debt was very just, that the Jew had no right, by the laws of
England, to bring an action. Well, says my lord, have you no other plea?
No, my lord, says he, I insist on this plea. Do you? said my lord, then
let me tell you, you are the greater Jew of the two.


201. A butcher in Smithfield, that lay on his death-bed, said to his
wife, My dear, I am not a man for this world, therefore I advise you to
marry our man John. Oh, dear husband, said she, if that’s all, never let
it trouble you, for John and I have agreed that matter already.


202. A gentleman having bespoke a supper at an inn, desired his landlord
to sup with him. The host came up, and thinking to pay a greater
compliment than ordinary to his guest, pretended to find fault with the
laying the cloth, and took the plates and knives, and threw them down
stairs. The gentleman resolving not to balk his humour, threw the
bottles and glasses down also; at which the host being surprised,
inquired the reason of his so doing. Nay, nothing, replied the
gentleman; but when I saw you throw the plates and knives down stairs, I
thought you had a mind to sup below.


203. A philosopher carrying something hid under his cloak, an
impertinent person asked him what he had under his cloak? To which the
philosopher answered, I carry it there that you might not know.


204. When his late majesty, in coming from Holland, happened to meet
with a violent storm at sea, the captain of the yacht cried to the
chaplain, In five minutes more, doctor, we shall be with the Lord. The
Lord forbid, answered the doctor.


205. A gentleman, who had been a great traveller, would oftentimes talk
so extravagantly of the wonderful things he had seen abroad, that a
friend of his took notice to him of his exposing himself as he did to
all companies, and asked him the meaning of it? Why, says the traveller,
I have got such a habit of lying since I have been abroad, that I really
hardly know when I lie, and when I speak truth; and should be very much
obliged to you, if you would tread upon my toe at any time when I am
likely to give myself too much liberty that way. His friend promised he
would; and accordingly, not long after, being at a tavern with him and
other company, when the traveller was, amongst other strange things,
giving an account of a church he had seen in Italy, that was above two
miles long, he trod on his toe, just as one of the company had asked,
How broad that same church might be? Oh, said he, not above two feet.
Upon which, the company bursting into a loud laugh; Zounds, said he, if
you had not trod upon my toe, I should have made it as broad as it was
long.


206. A justice of peace seeing a parson on a very stately horse, riding
between London and Hampstead, said to some gentlemen who were with him,
Do you see what a beautiful horse that proud parson has got? I’ll banter
him a little. Doctor, said he, you don’t follow the example of your
great master, who was humbly content to ride upon an ass. Why really,
sir, replied the parson, the king has made so many asses justices, that
an honest clergyman can hardly find one to ride, if he had a mind to.


207. The Duchess of Newcastle, who wrote plays and romances, in King
Charles the Second’s time, asked Bishop Wilkins, How she could get up to
the world in the moon, which he had discovered; for as the journey must
needs be very long, there would be no possibility of going through it,
without resting on the way? Oh, madam, said the bishop, your grace has
built so many castles in the air, that you can never want a place to
bait at.


208. A rich farmer’s son, who had been bred at the University, coming
home to visit his father and mother, they being one night at supper on a
couple of fowls, he told them, that by Logic and Arithmetic, he could
prove those two fowls to be three. Well, let us hear, said the old man.
Why this, cried the scholar, is one, and this, continued he, is two; two
and one, you know, make three. Since you have made it out so well,
answered the old man, your mother shall have the first fowl, I will have
the second, and the third you may keep yourself for your great learning.


209. A gentleman, who had a suit in Chancery, was called upon by his
counsel to put in his answer, for fear of incurring contempt. And why,
said the gentleman, is not my answer put in? How should I draw your
answer, cried the lawyer, ’till I know what you can swear? Pshaw,
replied the client, prithee do your part as a lawyer, and draw a
sufficient answer, and let me alone to do the part of a gentleman, and
swear to it.


210. A country lass, with a pail of milk on her head going to market,
was reckoning all the way, what she might make of it. This milk, said
she, will bring me so much money, that money will buy so many eggs,
those eggs so many chickens, and, with the fox’s leave, those chickens
will make me mistress of a pig, and that pig may grow a fat hog, and
when I have sold that, I may buy a cow and calf: and then, says she,
comes a sweetheart, perhaps a farmer; him I marry, and my neighbours
will say, How do you do, goody Such-a-one? and I’ll answer, Thank you,
neighbour, how do you? But maybe my sweetheart may be a yeoman, and then
it will be, How do you do, Mrs. Such-a-one? I’ll say, Thank you. Oh! but
suppose I should marry a gentleman; then they’ll say, Your servant,
madam, but then I’ll toss up my head, and say nothing. Upon the sudden
transport of this thought, and with the motion of her head, down came
the milk, which put an end at once to her fine scheme of her eggs, her
chickens, her pig, her hog, and her husband.


211. Daniel Purcell, who was a nonjuror, was telling a friend of his,
when King George the First landed at Greenwich, that he had a full view
of him. Then, said his friend, you know him by sight? Yes, replied
Daniel, I think I know him, but I can’t swear to him.


212. An Englishman going into one of the French ordinaries in Soho, and
finding a large dish of soup with about half-a-pound of mutton in the
middle of it, began to pull off his wig, his stock, and then his coat;
at which one of the monsieurs, being much surprised, asked him what he
was going to do? Why, monsieur, I mean to strip, that I may swim through
this ocean of porridge, to yon little island of mutton.


213. A countryman driving an ass by St. James’s gate one day, which
being dull and restive, he was forced to beat it very much; a gentleman
coming out of the gate, chid the fellow for using his beast so cruelly;
Oh dear, sir, said the countryman, I am glad to find my ass has a friend
at court.


214. One Irishman meeting another, asked, What was become of their old
acquaintance Patrick Murphy? Arrah, now, dear honey, answered the other,
poor Pat was condemned to be hanged; but he saved his life by dying in
prison.

215. Another Irishman, getting on a high-mettled horse, it ran away with
him; upon which, one of his companions called to him to stop him: Arrah,
honey, cried he, how can I do that, when I have got no spurs?


216. An honest Welch carpenter, coming out of Cardiganshire, got work in
Bristol, where, in a few months, he had saved, besides his expenses,
about twelve shillings; and with this prodigious sum of money, returning
into his own country, when he came upon Mile Hill, he looked back on the
town: Ah, poor Pristow, said he, if one or two more of hur countrymen
were to give hur such another shake as hur has done, it would be poor
Pristow indeed.


217. It being asked in company with my Lord C―d, whether the piers of
Westminster bridge would be of stone or wood, Oh, said my lord, of stone
to be sure, for we have too many wooden piers (peers) already at
Westminster.


218. One telling Charles XII. of Sweden, just before the battle of
Narva, that the enemy was three to one; I am glad to hear it, answered
the king, for then there will be enough to kill, enough to take
prisoners, and enough to run away.


219. A poor ingenious lad, who was a servitor at Oxford, not having
wherewithal to buy a new pair of shoes, when his old ones were very bad,
got them capped at the toes, upon which being bantered by some of his
companions, Why should they not be capped, said he, I am sure they are
Fellows.


220. The standers-by, to comfort a poor man, who lay on his death-bed,
told him, he should be carried to church by four very proper fellows: I
thank ye, said he, but I had much rather go by myself.


221. When poor Daniel Button died, one of his punning customers being at
his burial, and looking on the grave, cried out, This is a more lasting
Button hole, than any made by a tailor.


222. A toping fellow was one night making his will over his bottle: I
will give, said he, fifty pounds to five taverns, to drink to my memory
when I am dead; ten pounds to the Salutation for courtiers; ten pounds
to the Castle for soldiers; ten pounds to the Mitre for parsons; ten
pounds to the Horn for citizens; and ten pounds to the Devil for the
lawyers.


223. A gentleman calling for small beer at another gentleman’s table,
finding it very hard, gave it the servant again without drinking. What,
said the master of the house, don’t you like the beer? It is not to be
found fault with, answered the other, for one should never speak ill of
the dead.


224. A certain lord who had a termagant wife, and at the same time a
chaplain who was a tolerable poet, my lord desired him to write him a
copy of verses on a shrew. I cannot imagine, said the parson, why your
lordship should want a copy, who have so good an original.


225. A parson in his sermon having vehemently inveighed against usury,
and said, That lending money upon use was as great a sin as wilful
murder; having some time after an occasion to borrow twenty pounds
himself, and coming to one of his parishioners with that intent, the
other asked him, If he would have him guilty of a crime he had spoke so
much against, and lend out money upon use? No, said the parson, I would
have you lend it gratis. Ay, replied the other, but in my opinion, if
lending money upon use be as bad as wilful murder, lending it gratis can
be little better than _felo de se_.


226. One asked his friend, Why he, being so tall and large a man
himself, had married so small a wife. Why, friend, said he, I thought
you had known, that of all evils we should choose the least.


227. A gentleman threatening to go to law, was dissuaded from it by his
friends, who desired him to consider, for the law was chargeable: I
don’t care, replied the other, I will not consider, I will go to law.
Right, said his friend, for if you go to law, I am sure you don’t
consider.


228. One good housewife, who was a notable woman at turning and
torturing her old rags, was recommending her dyer to another, as an
excellent fellow in his way: That’s impossible, said the other, for I
hear he is a great drunkard, and beats his wife, and runs in every
body’s debt. What then? said the first, he may never be the worse dyer
for all these things. No! answered the other, can you imagine so bad a
liver can die well?


229. A poor fellow, growing rich on a sudden, from a very mean and
beggarly condition, and taking great state upon him, was met one day by
one of his poor acquaintance, who accosted him in a very humble manner,
but having no notice taken of him, cried out, Nay, it is no great wonder
that you should not know me, when you have forgot yourself.


230. Marcus Livius, who was governor of Tarentum when Hannibal took it,
being envious to see so much honour done to Fabius Maximus, said one day
in open senate, that it was himself, not Fabius Maximus, that was the
cause of the retaking the city of Tarentum. Fabius said smilingly,
Indeed thou speakest truth, for hadst thou not lost it, I should never
have retaken it.


231. One asking another which way a man might use tobacco to have any
benefit from it: By setting up a shop to sell it, said he, for certainly
there is no profit to be had from it any other way.


232. Ben Jonson being one night at the Devil tavern, there was a country
gentleman in the company, who interrupted all other discourse, with an
account of his land and tenements; at last Ben, able to bear it no
longer, said to him, What signifies your dirt and your clods to us?
where you have one acre of land I have ten acres of wit. Have you so,
said the countryman, good Mr. Wiseacre? This unexpected repartee from
the clown, struck Ben quite mute for a time: Why, how now, Ben, said one
of the company, you seem to be quite flung? I never was so pricked by a
hobnail before, replied he.


233. A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer for money: the lawyer bid the
boy tell his master, that he was not running away, but very busy at that
time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must needs have the money.
Didst tell thy master, said the lawyer, that I was not running away?
Yes, sir, answered the boy, but he bad me tell you that he was.


234. A smart fellow thinking to show his wit one night at the tavern,
called to the drawer, Here, Mercury, said he, take away this bottle full
of emptiness. Said one of the company, Do you speak that, Jack, of your
own head?


235. An extravagant young fellow, rallying a frugal country ’squire, who
had a good estate, and spent but little of it, said, among other things,
I’ll warrant you that plate-buttoned suit was your great-grandfather’s.
Yes, said the other, and I have my great-grandfather’s lands too.


236. A gentleman having sent for his carpenter’s servant to knock a nail
or two in his study, the fellow, after he had done, scratched his ears,
and said, He hoped the gentleman would give him something to make him
drink. Make you drink? says the gentleman, there’s a pickle herring for
you, and if that won’t make you drink I’ll give you another.


237. Alphonso, king of Naples, sent a moor, who had been his captive a
long time, to Barbary, with a considerable sum of money to purchase
horses, and to return by such a time. There was about the king a
buffoon, or jester, who had a table-book, wherein he used to register
any remarkable absurdity that happened at court. The day the moor was
dispatched to Barbary, the said jester waiting on the king at supper,
the king called for his table-book, in which the jester kept a regular
journal of absurdities. The king took the book, and read, how Alphonso,
king of Naples, had sent Beltram the moor, who had been a long time his
prisoner, to Morocco, his own country, with so many thousand crowns to
buy horses. The king turned to the jester, and asked, why he inserted
that? Because, said he, I think he will never come back to be a prisoner
again; and so you have lost both man and money. But, if he does come,
says the king, then your jest is marred: No, sir, replies the buffoon,
for if he should return, I will blot out your name, and put in his for a
fool.


238. A sharper of the town seeing a country gentleman sit alone at an
inn, and thinking something might be made of him, he went and sat near
him, and took the liberty to drink to him. Having thus introduced
himself, he called for a paper of tobacco, and said, Do you smoke, sir?
Yes, says the gentleman, very gravely, any one that has a design upon
me.


239. A certain country farmer was observed never to be in a good humour
when he was hungry; for this reason, his wife was fain carefully to
watch the time of his coming home, and always have dinner ready on the
table; one day he surprised her, and she had only time to set a mess of
broth ready for him, who, soon, according to custom, began to open his
pipes, and maundering over his broth, forgetting what he was about,
burnt his mouth to some purpose. The good wife seeing him in that
sputtering condition, comforted him as follows: See what it is now, had
you kept your breath to cool your pottage, you had not burnt your mouth,
John.


240. The same woman taking up dinner once on a Sunday, it happened that
the lickerish plough-boy, who lay under a strong and violent temptation,
pinched off the corner of a plum dumpling; which his dame espying, in a
great rage, laid the wooden ladle over his pate, saying, Can’t you stay,
sirrah, till your betters are served before you? The boy clapping his
hand on his head, and seeing the blood come, ’tis very hard, said he. So
it is, sirrah, said she, or it had not broke my ladle.


241. Three gentlemen being at a tavern, whose names were Moore, Strange,
and Wright: said the last, There is but one knave in company, and that
is Strange: Yes, answered Strange, there is one Moore: Ay, said Moore,
that’s Wright.


242. A Scotch bagpiper travelling in Ireland, opened his wallet by a
wood side, and sat down to dinner; no sooner had he said grace, but
three wolves came about him. To one he threw bread, to another meat,
till his provender was all gone―At length he took up his bagpipes, and
began to play, at which the wolves ran away. The deel faw me, said
Sawney, an I had kenned you loved music so, you should have had it
before dinner.


243. Metullus Nepos, asking Cicero, the Roman orator, in a scoffing
manner, Who was his father? Cicero replied, Thy mother has made that
question harder for thee to answer.


244. The archduke of Austria having been forced to raise the siege of a
town called Grave, in Holland, and to retreat privately in the night;
Queen Elizabeth said to his secretary here,―What, your master is risen
from the grave without sound of trumpet.


245. Soon after the death of a great officer, who was judged to have
been no great advancer of the king’s affairs, the king said to his
solicitor Bacon, who was kinsman to that lord: Now, Bacon, tell me
truly, what say you of your cousin? Mr. Bacon answered, Since your
Majesty charges me to speak, I will deal plainly with you, and give you
such a character of him, as though I was to write his history. I do
think he was no fit counsellor to have made your affairs better, yet he
was fit to have kept them from growing worse. On my soul, quoth the
king, in the first thou speakest like a true man; and in the latter like
a kinsman.


246. The same king in one of his progresses asked, How far it was to
such a town? They told him six miles and a half. He alighted out of his
coach, and went under the shoulder of one of the led horses. When some
asked his majesty what he meant? I must stalk, says he, for yonder town
is shy, and flies me.


247. Lawyers and chambermaids, said a wicked young fellow, are like
Balaam’s ass, they never speak unless they see an angel.


248. One being at his wife’s funeral, and the bearers going pretty quick
along, he cried out to them, Don’t go so fast, what need we make a toil
of pleasure?


249. A country ’squire being in company with his mistress, and wanting
his servant, cried out, Where is the blockhead? Upon your shoulders,
said the lady.


250. A philosopher being asked, why learned men frequented rich men’s
houses, but rich men seldom visited the learned, answered, That the
first know what they want, but the latter do not.


251. Among the articles exhibited to King Henry by the Irish, against
the Earl of Kildare, the last concluded thus:―And finally all Ireland
cannot rule the earl. Then said the king, The earl shall rule all
Ireland: and so made him deputy.


252. Plutarch used to say that men of small capacities put into great
places, like statues set upon great pillars, are made to appear the less
by their advancement.


253. A young fellow being told that his mistress was married; to
convince him of it, the young gentleman who told him, said, he had seen
the bride and bridegroom. Prithee, said the forsaken swain, do not call
them by those names; I cannot bear it. Shall I call them dog and cat?
answered the other. Oh, no, for heaven’s sake, replied the first, that
sounds ten times more like man and wife.


254. A sea officer, who for his courage in a former engagement, where he
had lost his leg, had been preferred to the command of a good ship; in
the heat of the next engagement, a cannon-ball took off his wooden
deputy, so that he fell upon the deck: A seaman thinking he had been
fresh wounded, called out for a surgeon. No, no, said the captain, the
carpenter will do this time.


255. A gentleman saying he had bought the stockings he had on in Wales.
Really, sir, answered another, I thought so, for they seemed to be
Well-chose, _i. e._ Welch hose.


256. A nobleman, in a certain king’s reign, being appointed groom of the
stole, his majesty took notice to him of the odd sort of perukes he used
to wear, and desired that he would now get something that was graver,
and more suitable to his age, and the high office he had conferred on
him. The next Sunday his lordship appeared at court in a very decent
peruke, which being observed by another nobleman, famous for the art of
punning, he came up to him, and told him, That he was obliged to alter
his locks now he had got the key.[2]

  [2] The groom of the stole wears a gold key, tied with a blue ribbon,
  at his left pocket.


257. A gentleman named Ball being about to purchase a cornetcy in a
regiment of horse, was presented to the colonel for approbation, who
being a nobleman, declared he did not like the name, and would have no
Balls in his regiment: Nor powder neither, said the gentleman, if your
lordship could help it.


258. Two Irishmen having travelled on foot from Chester to Barnet, were
confoundedly tired and fatigued with their journey; and the more so,
when they were told they had still about ten miles to London. By my soul
and St. Patrick, cries one of them, it is but five miles apiece, let’s
e’en walk on.


259. Mr. Pope, being at dinner with a noble duke, had his own servant in
livery waiting on him: The duke asked him, Why he, that eat mostly at
other people’s tables, should be such a fool as to keep a fellow in
livery only to laugh at him? ’Tis true, answered the poet, he kept but
one to laugh at him; but his grace had the honour to keep a dozen.


260. An Irish fellow, vaunting of his birth and family, affirmed, That
when he came first to England, he made such a figure, that the bells
rang through all the towns he passed to London: Ay, said a gentleman in
company, I suppose that was because you came up in a waggon with a
bell-team.


261. One meeting an old acquaintance, whom the world had frowned upon a
little, asked him, Where he lived? Where do I live―said he, I don’t
know; but I starve down towards Wapping and that way.


262. Two country attornies overtaking a waggoner on the road, and
thinking to break a joke upon him, asked him, Why his fore-horse was so
fat and the rest so lean? The waggoner knowing them to be limbs of the
law, answered them, That his fore-horse was his lawyer and the rest were
his clients.


263. At a cause tried at the King’s Bench bar, a witness was produced
who had a very red nose, and one of the counsel, a good impudent fellow,
being desirous to put him out of countenance, called out to him, after
he was sworn―Well, let’s hear what you have to say with your copper
nose. Why, sir, said he, by the oath I have taken, I would not exchange
my copper nose for your brazen face.


264. A gentleman having received some abuse, in passing through one of
the Inns of Chancery, from some of the impudent clerks, he was advised
to complain to the Principal, which he did accordingly; and coming
before him, accosted him in the following manner: I have been grossly
abused here by some of the rascals of this house, and understanding you
are the principal, I am come to acquaint you with it.


265. An old roundhead in Oliver’s time, complaining of some heavy rain
that fell, said a cavalier, standing by, What unreasonable fellows you
roundheads are, who will neither be pleased when God rains, nor when the
king reigns.


266. A young curate, with more pertness than wit or learning, being
asked in company, How he came to take it into his head to enter into the
ministry of the church? Because, said he, the Lord had need of me. That
may be, replied a gentleman present, for I have often read the Lord had
once need of an ass.


267. A very ignorant, but very foppish young fellow, going into a
bookseller’s shop with a relation, who went thither to buy something he
wanted, seeing his cousin look into a particular book, and smile, asked
him, What there was in that book that made him smile? Why, answered the
other, this book is dedicated to you, cousin Jack. Is it so? said he,
pray let me see it, for I never knew before that I had had such an
honour done me: upon which, taking it into his hands, he found it to be
Perkin’s Catechism, dedicated to all ignorant persons.


268. There was a short time when Mr. Handel, notwithstanding his merit,
was deserted, and his opera at the Hay-Market neglected almost by
everybody but his Majesty, for that of Porpora at Lincoln’s-Inn-Fields;
at this time another nobleman asking the earl of C―d if he would go
one night to the opera? My lord asked, Which? Oh, to that in the
Hay-Market, answered the other. No, my lord, said the earl, I have no
occasion for a private audience of his majesty to-night.


269. Some scholars, on a time, going to steal conies, by the way they
warned a novice amongst them to make no noise, for fear of spoiling
their game: but he no sooner espied some, but he cried out aloud, _Ecce
conniculi multi_. Whereupon the conies ran with all speed into their
burrows; upon which his fellows chiding him―Who, said he, would have
thought that the conies understood Latin?


270. A drunken fellow having sold all his goods, to maintain himself at
his pot, except his feather bed, at last made away with that too; when
being reproved for it by some of his friends; Why, said he, I am very
well, thank God, and why should I keep my bed?


271. An old lady meeting a Cambridge man, asked him, How her nephew
behaved himself? Truly, madam, says he, he’s a brave fellow, and sticks
close to Catherine Hall―[name of a college]. I vow, said she, I feared
as much, he was always hankering after the girls from a boy.


272. A gentleman being arrested for a pretty large sum of money, sent to
an acquaintance, who had often professed a great friendship for him, to
beg he would bail him; the other told him, that he had promised never to
be bail for anybody; but with much kindness said, I’ll tell you what you
may do, you may get somebody else if you can.


273. When king Charles the First was in great anxiety about signing the
warrant for the Earl of Strafford’s execution, saying, it was next to
death to part with so able a minister, and so loyal a subject; a certain
favorite of the king’s standing by, soon resolved his majesty, by
telling him, that in such an exigence, a man had better part with his
crutch than his leg.


274. Some rattling young fellows from London putting into a country inn,
seeing a plain rough-hewn farmer there; said one of them, You shall see
me dumb-found that countryman. So coming up to him, he gave his hat a
twirl round, saying, there’s half a crown for you, countryman. The
former, after recovering a little from his surprise, reared his oaken
towel, and surveying him very gravely, gave him two very handsome drubs
on the shoulder, saying, I thank you for your kindness, friend, there’s
two shillings of your money again.


275. One of the aforesaid rattling blades having been once a little
kicked for his impertinence, demanded of his benefactor with a bluff
face, Whether he was in earnest, or not? Yes, faith, said the other, in
very good earnest, laying his hand on his sword. Say you so? replied he,
I am glad of that with all my heart, for I don’t like such jests.


276. A merchant in London, having bought a pretty estate in Surrey, and
afterwards two or three more fields adjoining to it, a person speaking
of his purchase to a friend, said, he did not think Mr. Such-a-one had
been in circumstances to make so large a purchase. O dear! said the
other, you don’t know how considerable a man he is; why, since he bought
that estate in Surrey, he has bought Moor-fields. That must be a great
purchase, indeed, replied the other.


277. The old earl of B―d, one of the most facetious men of his time,
being once in waiting at court, made an excuse one morning to leave the
king, assuring his majesty he would be back to wait on him before 12
o’clock, there being great occasion for his attendance. The king had
inquired for him several times, his lordship having exceeded his time:
at length he came, and going to the clock in the drawing-room, heard it
strike one; at which, being a little enraged, he up with his cane and
broke the glass of the clock. The king asked him afterwards, What made
him break the clock? I am sure, says my lord, your majesty won’t be
angry when you hear. Prithee, said the king, what was it? Why blood, my
liege, the clock struck first.


278. A person having been put to great shifts to get money to support
his credit; some of his creditors at length sent him word, that they
would give him trouble. Pshaw! said he, I have had trouble enough to
borrow the money, and had not need be troubled to pay it again.


279. Queen Elizabeth seeing a gentleman in her garden, who had not felt
the effect of her favours so soon as he expected, looking out of her
window, said to him in Italian, What does a man think of, Sir Edward,
when he thinks of nothing? After a little pause, he answered, He thinks,
madam, of a woman’s promise. The queen shrunk in her head, but was heard
to say, Well, Sir Edward, I must not confute you: anger makes dull men
witty, but it keeps them poor.


280. A lady whose beauty was very much upon the decline, having sent her
picture to a gentleman that was to come a wooing to her, bid her
chambermaid, when she was coming to dress her, take care in repairing
her decays a little, or she should not look like her picture. I warrant
you, madam, says she, laying on the Bavarian red, a little art once made
your picture like you, now a little of the same art shall make you like
your picture; your picture must sit to you.


281. A termagant sempstress coming to dun a young fellow at his
lodgings, where he was terribly afraid to have his landlady hear; she
began to open her quail pipes at a great rate, but was presently seized
with a fit of coughing. Lord, says she, I have got such a cold I can
hardly speak. Nay, as to that, says he, I don’t care how softly you
speak. Don’t tell me of speaking softly, said she, let me have my money,
or I’ll take the law of you. Do, says he, then you’ll be forced to hold
your tongue, for the law allows nobody to scold in their own cause.


282. Some persons talking of a fine lady that had many suitors: Well,
says one of them, you may talk of this great man and that great man, of
this lord and t’other knight; but I know a fellow without a foot of
estate, that will carry her before them all. Pho, that’s impossible,
says another, unless you mean her coachman.


283. Count Gondomar, the Spanish ambassador here, in Queen Elizabeth’s
time, sent a compliment to the Lord St. Albans, whom he lived on no good
terms with, wishing him a merry Easter. My lord thanked the messenger,
and said, he could not requite the count better than by wishing him a
good Pass-over.


284. A certain philosopher, when he saw men in a hurry to finish any
matter, used to say, Stay a little, that we may make an end the sooner.


285. Sir Francis Bacon was wont to say of a passionate man, who
suppressed his anger, That he thought worse than he spoke; and of an
angry man, that would vent his passion in words, That he spoke worse
than he thought.


286. The same gentleman used to say, that power in an ill man was like
the power of a witch―he could do harm, but no good; as the magicians,
said he, could turn water into blood, but could not turn blood into
water again.


287. He was likewise wont to commend much the advice of a plain old man
at Buxton, who sold brooms. A proud lazy young fellow came to him for a
besom upon trust, to whom the old man said, Friend, hast thou no money?
Borrow of thy back and of thy belly, they’ll never ask thee for’t; I
shall be dunning thee every day.


288. When recruits were raising for the late wars, a serjeant told his
captain that he had got him a very extraordinary man: Ay, says the
captain, prithee what’s he? A butcher, sir, replied the serjeant, and
your honour will have double service of him, for we had two
sheep-stealers in the company before.


289. A harmless country fellow having commenced a suit against a
gentleman that had beat down his fences, and spoiled his corn; when the
assizes grew near, his adversary bribed his only evidence to keep out of
the way: Well, says the fellow, I’m resolved I’ll up to town, and the
king shall know it. The king know it! said his landlord, who was an
attorney, prithee what good will that do you, if the man keeps out of
the way? Why, sir, said the poor fellow, I have heard you say, the king
could make a man a-peer at any time.


290. One speaking of an agreeable young fellow, said, He had wit enough
to call his good nature in question, and yet good nature enough to make
his wit suspected.


291. A person seeing a tolerably pretty fellow, who, by the help of a
tailor and sempstress had transformed himself into a beau, said, What
pity it is to see one, whom nature has made no fool, so industrious to
pass for an ass. Rather, said another, one should pity those whom nature
abuses than those who abuse nature; besides, the town would be robbed of
one-half of its diversion, if it should become a crime to laugh at a
fool.


292. At the masquerade in the Hay-Market, one appearing in the habit of
a bishop, another, for the jest’s sake, bowed his knee to ask a
blessing. The former laying his hand on his head, very demurely said,
Prithee rise, there’s nothing in’t indeed, friend.


293. Of all coxcombs, the most intolerable in conversation is your
fighting fool, and your opiniated wit; the one is always talking to show
his parts, and the other always quarrelling to show his valour.


294. One said of a fantastical fellow, that he was the folio of himself,
bound up in his own calf’s leather, and gilt about the edges.


295. A decayed gentleman coming to one who had been a servant, to borrow
money of him, received a very scurvy answer, concluding in the following
words: Pray, sir, what do you trouble me for? I’ve no money to lend. I’m
sure you lie, said the gentleman, for if you were not rich, you durst
not be so saucy.


296. The Roman Catholics make a sacrament of matrimony, and, in
consequence of that notion, pretend that it confers grace. The
Protestant divines do not carry matters so high, but say, This ought to
be understood in a qualified sense; and that marriage so far confers
grace, as that, generally speaking, it brings repentance, which
everybody knows is one step towards grace.


297. An extravagant young gentleman, to whom the title of lord, and a
good estate, was just fallen, being a little harassed by duns, bid his
steward tell them, That whilst he was a private gentleman he had leisure
to run in debt, but being now advanced to a higher rank, he was too busy
to pay them.


298. A gentleman complaining of a misfortune, said it was all along with
that drunken sot his man, who could not keep himself sober. With your
worship, said the fellow, I know very few drunken sots that do keep
themselves sober.


299. A certain Irishman making strong love to a lady of great fortune,
told her, He could not sleep for dreaming of her.


300. A plain country yeoman bringing his daughter to town, said, for all
she was brought up altogether in the country, she was a girl of sense.
Yes, said a pert young female in the company, country sense. Why, faith,
madam, says the fellow, country sense is better sometimes than London
impudence.


301. I’ll swear, said a gentleman to his mistress, you are very
handsome. Pho, said she, so you’d say, though you did not think so. And
so you’d think, answered he, though I should not say so.


302. A gentleman in King Charles the Second’s time, who had paid a
tedious attendance at court for a place, and had a thousand promises, at
length resolved to see the king himself; so getting himself introduced,
he told his majesty what pretensions he had to his favour, and boldly
asked him for the place just then vacant. The king hearing his story,
told him he had just given the place away. Upon which the gentleman made
a very low obeisance to the king, and thanked him extremely; which he
repeated often. The king, observing how over-thankful he was, called him
again, and asked the reason why he gave him such extraordinary thanks,
when he had denied his suit. The rather, an’t please your majesty,
replied the gentleman; your courtiers have kept me waiting here these
two years, and gave me a thousand put-offs; but your majesty has saved
me all that trouble, and generously given me my answer at once. Gads
fish, man, said the king, thou shalt have the place for thy downright
honesty.


303. A merry droll servant, who lived with a lady that was just on the
point of matrimony, being sent with a How-d’ye-do to an acquaintance of
hers, who lived a few miles off, was asked how his lady did? Ah, dear
madam, replied the fellow, she can never live long in this condition.


304. ’Twas a beautiful turn given by a great lady, who being asked,
Where her husband was, when he lay concealed for having been deeply
concerned in a conspiracy? resolutely answered, She had hid him. This
confession drew her before the king, who told her, Nothing but her
discovering where her lord was concealed, could save her from the
torture. And will that do? said the lady. Yes, said the king, I give you
my word for it. Then, said she, I have hid him in my heart, there you’ll
find him.


305. An English gentleman travelling to France, had made choice of an
abbé as reckless as himself, for the companion of his pleasures. One of
his countrymen told him, That though the abbé and he differed about the
way to heaven, they were in a fair way of going to the devil together.


306. A petulant self-willed coxcomb was threatening, if his humour was
not gratified, to leave his relations and family and go away to France.
Let him alone, said one, he will come back from France, before he gets
half way to Dover.


307. A countryman in the street inquiring the way to Newgate, an arch
fellow that heard him, said, he’d show him presently. Do but go across
the way, said he, to yon goldsmith’s shop, and move off with one of
those silver tankards, and it will bring you thither presently.


308. Men sometimes blurt out very unlucky truths. A town beggar was very
importunate with a rich miser, whom he accosted in the following phrase:
Pray, sir, bestow your charity; good, dear sir, bestow your charity.
Prithee, friend, be quiet, replied old Gripus, I have it not.


309. A certain priest in a rich abbey in Florence, being a fisherman’s
son, caused a net to be spread every day, on a table in his apartment,
to put him in mind of his origin: the abbot dying, this dissembled
humility procured him to be chosen abbot; after which, the net was used
no more. Being asked the reason, he answered, There is no occasion for
the net now the fish is caught.


310. A farmer who had a very great name in the country for his dexterity
in manly exercises, such as wrestling, throwing the bar, and the like,
drew upon himself many occasions to try his skill, with such as came far
and near to challenge him: among the rest, a conceited fellow rode a
great way to visit this champion, and being told that he was in his
ground behind the house, he alighted, and walked with his horse’s bridle
in his hand, till he came where he found him at work; so hanging the
bridle upon the pales, he accosted him thus: That having heard much of
his fame, he had come forty miles to try a fall with him. The champion,
without more words, came up to him, and closing with him, took him upon
such an advantageous lock, that he pitched him clean over the pales;
with a great deal of unconcern, he took up his spade, and fell to work
again: the fellow getting upon his legs again, as nimbly as he could,
called to speak to him. Well, said the champion, have you any more to
say to me? No, no, replied the fellow, only to desire you would be so
kind as throw my horse after me.


311. A busy impertinent, entertaining Aristotle the philosopher one day
with a tedious discourse, and observing that he did not much regard him,
made an apology, That he was afraid he had interrupted him. No, really,
replied the philosopher, you have not interrupted me at all, for I have
not minded one word you said.


312. Two conceited coxcombs wrangling and exposing one another before
company, one told them, That they had both done like wits: for wits,
said he, never give over till they prove one another fools.


313. A lawyer and a physician having a dispute about precedence,
referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favour of the lawyer, in these
terms: Let the thief go before, and the executioner follow.


314. A person having two very graceless sons, the one robbed him of his
money, and the other of his goods: His neighbour coming to condole with
him, told him, He might sue the county, for he had been robbed between
son and son.


315. A person speaking to the Earl of C―d of the false taste of
several people of quality, and their ignorance in many things that they
pretend to understand; Why, said my Lord, most of our people of quality
judge of everything by their ears but the opera, and that they go to
see.


316. A citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors’
ears―Farewell, said one, there is so much of mine gone with him. And he
carried so much of mine, said another. One hearing them make their
several complaints, said, Well, I see now, that though a man can carry
nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of
other men’s.


317. Three young conceited wits, as they thought themselves, passing
along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they
had a mind to be rudely merry; Good morrow, father Abraham, said one:
Good morrow, father Isaac, said the next: Good morrow, father Jacob,
cried the last. I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob, replied the old
gentleman, but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father’s
asses, and lo! here I have found them.


318. An ingenious young gentleman at the University of Oxford, being
appointed to preach before the Vice Chancellor, and the heads of the
colleges, at St. Mary’s, and having formerly observed the drowsiness of
the Vice Chancellor, took this place of scripture for his text: “What!
cannot ye watch one hour?” At every division he concluded with his text;
which by reason of the Vice Chancellor sitting so near the pulpit, often
awaked him. This was so noted among the wits, that it was the talk of
the whole University, and withal it so nettled the Vice Chancellor, that
he complained to the Archbishop of Canterbury, who, willing to redress
him, sent for this scholar up to London, to defend himself against the
crime laid to his charge; where coming, he gave so many proofs of his
extraordinary wit, that the Archbishop enjoined him to preach before
King James. After some excuses, he at length consented; and coming into
the pulpit, began, “James the First, and the Sixth, waver not”; meaning
the first king of England, and the sixth of Scotland; at first the king
was somewhat amazed at the text, but in the end was so well pleased with
his sermon, that he made him one of his chaplains in ordinary. After
this advancement, the Archbishop sent him down to Oxford to make his
recantation to the Vice Chancellor, and to take leave of the University,
which he accordingly did, and took the latter part of the verse of the
former text, “Sleep on now and take your rest”: concluding his sermon,
he made his apology to the Vice Chancellor, Whereas I said before, which
gave offence, What! cannot ye watch one hour? I say now, Sleep on and
take your rest―and so left the University.


319. A plain country fellow, born in Essex, coming to London, which
place he had never seen before, as he walked in a certain street, not a
great way from Mark Lane, espied a rope hanging at a merchant’s door,
with a handle to it; and wondering what it meant, he took it in his
hand, and played with it to and fro; at length, pulling it hard, he
heard a bell ring; it so happened, that the merchant, being near the
door, went himself, and demanded what the fellow would have. Nothing,
sir, said he, I did but play with this pretty thing which hangs at your
door. What countryman are you? said the merchant. An Essex man, an’t
please you, replied the other. I thought so, replied the merchant, for I
have often heard say, that if a man beat a bush in Essex, there
presently comes forth a calf. It may be so, replied the countryman, and
I think a man can no sooner ring a bell in London, but out pops a
donkey.


320. A young man married to an ill-tempered woman, who, not contented,
though he was very kind to her, made continual complaints to her father,
to the great grief of both families; the husband being no longer able to
endure this strange humour, beat her soundly. Hereupon she complained to
her father, who understanding well the perverseness of her humour, took
her to task, and laced her soundly too; saying, Go, and commend me to
your husband, and tell him, I am now even with him, for I have cudgelled
his wife, as he hath beaten my daughter.


321. A fellow hearing one say, according to the Italian proverb, That
three women make a market with their chattering; Nay, then, said he, add
my wife to them, and they will make a fair.


322. A scholar, in College Hall, declaiming, having a bad memory, was at
a stand; whereupon in a low voice, he desired one that stood close by,
to help him out: No, said the other, methinks you are out enough
already.


323. A gentleman riding near the forest of Which-wood, in Oxfordshire,
asked a fellow, What that wood was called; he said, Which-wood, sir: Why
that wood, said the gentleman. Which-wood, sir: Why that wood, I tell
thee;―he still said Which-wood. I think, said the gentleman, thou art
as senseless as the wood that grows there. It may be so, replied the
other, but you know not Which-wood.


324. A physician was wont to say, when he met a friend, I am glad to see
you well. In troth, sir, said one, I think you do but dissemble, for the
world always goes ill with you, when it goes well with your friends.


325. A gentleman falling to decay, shifted where he could; among the
rest, he visited an old acquaintance, and stayed with him seven or eight
days, in which time the man began to be weary of his guest, and to be
rid of him, feigned a falling out with his wife, by which means their
fare was very slender. The gentleman perceiving their drift, but not
knowing whither to go to better himself, told them, He had been there
seven days, and had not seen any falling out betwixt them before; and
that he was resolved to stay seven weeks longer, but he would see them
friends again.


326. A gentleman who loved everything that was foreign, and was
extremely fond of hard names, dining at a friend’s house, asked him,
What the name of the wine was, of which he had just drank a glass at
table; his friend, knowing that it was but indifferent, and recollecting
that he had bought it at the Stocks Market, told him, it was the true
Stoko Marketto; upon which he found the wine excellent, and gave it
great encomiums.


327. A knavish attorney asking a very worthy gentleman, what was
honesty? What is that to you? said he; meddle with those things that
concern you.


328. A simple bumpkin, coming to London, was very much taken with the
sight of a chair, or sedan, and bargained with the chairmen to carry him
to a place he named. The chairmen, observing the curiosity of the clown
to be suitable to the meanness of his habit, privately took out the
bottom of the chair, and then put him into it, which when they took up,
the countryman’s feet were upon the ground, and as the chairmen
advanced, so did he; and to make the better sport, if any place was
dirtier in the way than the rest, that they chose to go through; the
countryman not knowing but others used to be carried, or rather driven
in the same manner, coming to his lodgings, gave them their demand.
Returning into the country, he related what rare things he had seen in
London, and withal, that he been conveyed in a sedan: Sedan, quoth one,
what is that? Why, said he, like our watch-house, only it is covered
with leather; but were it not for the name of a sedan, a man might as
well walk on foot.


329. An ignorant clown, who had the reputation of being a great scholar
in the country, because he could read and write, coming to London, and
inquiring into all the strange things he saw, at last read on a
sign-post, Horses to be let, 1748. Well, said he, if there are so many
horses in one inn, how many are there in the whole city?


330. One reading a witty preface before a dull book, said, he wondered
how such a preface came to be matched so preposterously to such a book.
In truth, sir, said another, I see no reason why they may not be
matched, for I’m sure they are not at all a-kin.


331. A person not belonging to Merton College, put his horse in a field
thereunto appertaining; being warned of so doing, and he taking no
notice thereof, the master of that College sent his man to him, bidding
him say, if he continued his horse there, he would cut off his tail. Say
you so? said the person: go tell your master, if he cuts off my horse’s
tail, I will cut off his ears. The servant returning, told his master
what he said; whereupon he was sent back to bring the person to him; who
appearing, the master said, How now, sir! what mean you by the menace
you sent me? Sir, said the other, I threatened you not, for I only said,
if you cut off my horse’s tail, I would cut off his ears.


332. One seeing a scholar that looked very much a-squint, Sure, said he,
this man must be more learned than his fellows, for with one cast of his
eyes he can read both sides of the book at once.


333. A youth standing by whilst his father was at play, observing him to
lose a great deal of money, burst into tears; his father asked him the
reason why he wept? Oh, sir, I have heard that Alexander the Great wept
when he heard his father Philip had conquered a great many towns,
cities, and countries, fearing that he would leave him nothing to win;
but I wept the contrary way, fearing you will leave me nothing to lose.


334. A rich citizen of London, in his will, left something considerable
to Christ’s Hospital, but little or nothing to one of his extravagant
sons. At the funeral, the Blue-coat boys were ordered, in acknowledgment
of so great a gift, to sing before the corpse to the grave. As they
marched through Cheapside, this extravagant son led his mother, who
observing the boys made a rest, he opened his pipes in such a manner,
that he was heard almost from one end of the street to the other; and
still leading his mother, he continued thus singing, ’till a kinsman
came to him, and stopping his mouth, asked him his reason for his
irreverent and indecent carriage. Why, cousin, quoth this Ne’er-be-good,
the boys there at my father’s death sing for something, and won’t you
let me sing for nothing?


335. The famous Mr. Amner going through a street in Windsor, two boys
looked out of a one-pair of stairs window, and cried, There goes Mr.
Amner that makes so many bulls. He hearing them, looked up saying, You
rascals, I know you well enough, and if I had you here, I’d kick you
down stairs.


336. The same gentleman crossing the water in a ferry-boat at Datchet,
the good man of the ferry being from home, his wife did his office; and
not putting in the boat just at the landing place, Mr. Amner at his
landing sunk into the mud over his shoes; and going a little farther he
met with a friend, who asked, How he came so dirty? Egad, replied Mr.
Amner, no man was ever so abused as I have been; for coming over Datchet
ferry, a scurvy woman waterman put over his boat and landed me clean in
the mire.


337. A poor woman in the country sent her son to a gentleman’s house,
upon some errand or other. The loitering lad stayed somewhat too long,
looking upon a dog in the wheel that turned the spit; so that when he
came home, his mother beat him soundly: execution ended, the boy told
her, If she had been there, she would have stayed as long as he; and she
demanding the reason, he said, Oh, mother, it would have done you good
to have seen how daintily a dog in a wheel spun roast meat.


338. In Flanders, by accident, a Flemish tiler falling from the top of a
house upon a Spaniard, killed him, though he escaped himself. The next
of the blood prosecuted his death with great violence against the tiler;
and when he was offered pecuniary recompence, nothing would serve him
but _lex talionis_. Whereupon, the judge said unto him, That if he did
urge that kind of sentence, it must be, that he should go up to the top
of the same house, and from thence fall down upon the tiler.


339. A lord intended to take in a great part of the common belonging to
the town, and he agreed with a carpenter to have it railed in: My lord,
said he, it shall be done, and I think I can save you some charges in
the business; For, said he, do you but get posts, and I doubt not but
all the neighbors round about will find you railing enough.


340. A brave Dutch captain being commanded by his colonel to go on a
dangerous exploit against the French, with forces that were unlikely to
achieve the enterprise, the captain advised his colonel to send but half
so many men: Send but half so many men! why so? said the colonel.
Because, replied the captain, they are enough to be knocked on the head.


341. A fellow hearing the drums beat up for volunteers for France, in
the expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, and
thereupon listed himself; returning again, he was asked by his friends,
What exploits he had done there? He said, That he had cut off one of the
enemy’s legs; and being told that it had been more honourable and manly
to have cut off his head; Oh, said he, you must know his head was cut
off before.


342. A person of quality coming into a church, at the place where
several of his ancestors were buried, after he had said much in their
commendation and praised them for worthy men; Well, said he, I am
resolved, if I live, to be buried as near them as possible.


343. An Irishman having been obliged to live with his master some time
in Scotland; when he came home again, some of his companions asked him,
How he liked Scotland? I will tell you now, said he, I was sick all de
while I was dere, and if I had lived dere till this time, I had been
dead a year ago.


344. A certain duchess, in a late reign, hearing that a man in a high
office, which gave him an opportunity of handling much cash, had married
his mistress; Good Lord, said she, that old fellow is always robbing the
public.


345. A book being published in Queen Elizabeth’s time that gave her much
offence, she asked Bacon if he could find no treason in it? No, madam,
said he, but abundance of felony, for the author hath stolen half his
conceits out of Tacitus.


346. A young lady being sick, a physician was sent for to feel her
pulse; she being very coy, and loth he should touch her skin, pulled her
sleeve over her hand; the doctor observing it, took a corner of his
coat, and laid it upon the sleeve; at which a lady that stood by
wondered: O, madam, said he, a linen pulse must always have a woollen
physician.


347. Tom Clarke, of St. John’s, desired a fellow of the same college to
lend him Bishop Burnet’s History of the Reformation; the other told him,
He could not spare it out of his chamber, but, if he pleased, he might
come there and read it all day long. Some time after the same gentleman
sent to Tom to borrow his bellows: Tom sent him word, that he could not
possibly spare them out of his chamber, but he might come there and use
them all day long if he would.


348. King Charles II. on a certain time paying a visit to Dr. Busby, the
doctor is said to have strutted through his school with his hat upon his
head, while his majesty walked complaisantly behind him, with his hat
under his arm; but, when he was taking his leave at the door, the doctor
with great humility addressed him thus: Sire, I hope your majesty will
excuse my want of respect hitherto; but if my boys were to imagine there
was a greater man in the kingdom than myself, I should never be able to
rule them.


349. Dr. Hickringal, who was one of King Charles the Second’s chaplains,
whenever he preached before his majesty, was sure to tell him of his
faults, and to scold him from the pulpit very severely. One day his
majesty, walking in the Mall, observed the doctor before him, and sent
to speak to him; when he came,―Doctor, said the king, What have I done
to you that you are always quarreling with me? I hope your majesty is
not angry with me, quoth the doctor, for telling the truth. No, no, said
the king, but I would have us for the future be friends. Well, well,
quoth the doctor, I’ll make it up with your majesty on these terms, as
you mend, I’ll mend.


350. In a little country town, it happened that the ’squire of the
parish’s lady came to church after her lying-in, to return thanks, or as
it is commonly called, to be churched: The parson aiming to be
complaisant, and thinking plain ‘woman’ a little too familiar, instead
of saying, O Lord, save this woman; said, O Lord, save this lady. The
clerk, resolving not to be behindhand with him, answered, Who putteth
her ladyship’s trust in thee.


351. One of King James the First’s chaplains preaching before the court
at Whitehall, made use of the following quibbles in his discourse.
Speaking of the depravity of the age, Almost all-houses, he said, were
made ale-houses;―that men made matri-money a matter of money; and
placed their Para-dise in a pair of dice: Was it so in the days of
No-ah? Ah, no.


352. The Rev. Mr. Henley waiting one day at Sir Robert Walpole’s levee,
was asked by the knight what brought him there? The orator replied, I
hear you want a good pen. No, said Sir Robert, I don’t. Then, said the
orator, I have a bad one, which perhaps you may not like. Well, said the
knight, if it is very bad, I must get one of the Secretaries of State to
mend it.


353. Several press-gangs infesting the streets of the city and suburbs,
one of which giving umbrage to a merry punster, who had just staggered
from a tavern into the middle of them: he said pleasantly enough, God
bless his majesty’s arms! But as to the supporters, they are beasts.


354. It was well answered by Archbishop Tillotson to King William, when
he complained of the shortness of his sermon: Sir, said the bishop,
could I have bestowed more time on it, it would have been shorter.


355. Mr. Prior, when ambassador, witnessing one of the French operas at
Paris, and seated in a box with a nobleman he was free with, who, as
usual in France, sung louder than the performer, burst into bitter
invectives against the latter; upon which his lordship gave over to
inquire the reason, adding, that the person he exclaimed against so
fiercely, was one of the finest voices they had. Yes, replied his
excellency, but he makes such a horrid noise, that I can’t have the
pleasure to hear your lordship.


356. A living of 500_l._ per annum, falling in the gift of the late Lord
Chancellor Talbot, Sir Robert Walpole recommended one of his friends as
very deserving of the benefice, whom his lordship approved of. In the
interim, the curate, who had served the last incumbent many years for a
poor 30_l._ per annum, came up with a petition, signed by many of the
inhabitants, testifying his good behaviour, setting forth that he had a
wife and seven children to maintain, and begging his lordship would
stand his friend, that he might be continued in his curacy; and, in
consideration of his large family, if he could prevail with the next
incumbent to add 10_l._ a year, he should for ever pray for him. His
lordship, according to his usual goodness, promised to use his utmost
endeavours to serve him; and the reverend gentleman, for whom the living
was designed, coming soon after to pay his respects, my lord told him
the affair of the curate, with this difference only, that he should
allow him 60_l._ a year instead of 30_l._ The clergyman in some
confusion, replied, He was sorry that he could not grant his request,
for that he had promised the curacy to another, and could not go from
his word. How! said the nobleman, have you promised the curacy before
you were possessed of the living? Well, to keep your word with your
friend, if you please, I’ll give him the curacy, but the living, I
assure you, I’ll give to another: and saying this he left him. The next
day the poor curate coming to know his destiny, my lord told him, That
he had used his endeavours to serve him as to the curacy, but with no
success, the reverend gentleman having disposed of it before. The
curate, with a deep sigh, returned his lordship thanks for his goodness,
and was going to withdraw, when my lord calling him back, said with a
smile, Well, my friend, ’tis true, I have it not in my power to give you
the curacy; but if you will accept of the living ’tis at your service.


357. The same noble lord, when he was under the tuition of the Reverend
―, who used to call him his little chancellor, one day replied, that
when he was so he would give him a good living. One happening to become
vacant soon after he was chancellor, he recollected his promise, and
ordered the presentation to be filled up for his old master, who soon
after came to his lordship to remind him of his promise, and to ask him
for the living. Why, really, said my lord, I wish you had come a day
sooner, but I have given it away already, and when you see to whom, I
dare say you will not think me to blame.


358. A country curate being one Friday in Lent to examine his young
catechumens, and the bell tolling for prayers, he was obliged to leave a
game of all-fours unfinished, in which he had the advantage; but told
his antagonist he would soon dispatch his audience, and see him out. Now
for fear any tricks should be played with the cards in his absence, he
put them in his cassock; and asking one of the children how many
commandments there were, which the boy not readily answering, by
accident one of the cards dropped out of his sleeve; he had the presence
of mind to bid the boy take it up, and tell him what card it was; which
he readily did: when turning to the parents of the child, Are you not
ashamed, said he, to pay so little regard to the eternal welfare of your
children, as not to teach them their commandments? I suspected your
neglect, and brought this card with me, to detect your immorality, in
teaching your children to know their cards before their commandments.


359. Dr. South visiting a gentleman one morning, he was asked to stay to
dinner; which he accepting, the gentleman stepped into the next room,
and told his wife he had invited the doctor to dinner, and desired her
to provide something extraordinary. Hereupon she began to murmur and
scold, and make a thousand words, till at last her husband, being very
much provoked at her behaviour, protested, that if it was not for the
stranger in the next room, he would kick her out of doors. Upon which
the doctor, who had heard all that passed, immediately stepped out,
crying, I beg, sir, you’ll make no stranger of me.


360. A woman of bad character who had lived in Clerkenwell, having left
by her will a handsome sum of money to be given to the Rev. Dr. Lee, to
preach her funeral sermon, but on condition that he should say nothing
but what was well of her. Her executors accordingly waited on the
doctor, and acquainted him with the conditions of the will; who being
very much surprised at such a request, desired them to call again, and
he would consider of it. Soon after they came again when he agreed that
on the money being paid directly, he would preach the following Sunday.
The doctor kept his word, and taking the text, “Blessed are they,” &c.,
made an excellent sermon on a well-spent life, and the reward they would
have in the next world; concluding, Dear friends, said he, as for the
deceased, of whom I am now going to speak (which caused great attention
from the congregation), all I shall say of her is, that she was born at
Camberwell, lived great part of her time in Bridewell, and died in
Clerkenwell, and at last has done well; then let us pray that she may
fare well, &c., &c.


361. The Rev. Mr. B―n coming from Holland with the King, a terrible
hurricane arising, the sloop was in great danger of being lost. The
facetious Mr. B―d, of Albemarle-street, being in the cabin with him,
and very willing to prepare himself for another world, desired him to
take notice, that if they were cast away, the shirt he had on belonged
to Mr. G―, and that he might have it again; then falling on his
knees, he attempted to rehearse the Lord’s Prayer, but with such a tone
as affrighted the ship’s crew; on which the captain running down,
desired him to pray to himself; and to his great surprise found the
doctor stripping himself: Pray, doctor, said he, what do you design to
do? Oh, said he, let him pray; I design to swim for my life.


362. The Lord Chief Justice Wh―d, of the King’s Bench in Ireland, being
esteemed a very able lawyer, and Judge C―d and B―t but very
indifferent ones; Well, said an attorney of that court, no bench was
ever supplied like ours, for we have got a hundred judges upon it. A
hundred! said another, how can that be? Why, replied the other, there is
a figure of one, and two ciphers.


363. One Mr. Ash, who was himself a famous punster, in Ireland, coming
into an inn, desired the landlord to lend him a hand to pull off his
great coat: Indeed, sir, said he, I dare not. Dare not! replied the
other, what do you mean by that? You know, sir, answered he, there is an
act of parliament against stripping of Ash.


364. King Charles the Second, after the Restoration, told Waller the
poet, that he had made better verses and said finer things of Cromwell
than of him. That may very well be, replied Waller, for poets generally
succeed better in imaginary things, than in real ones.


365. An honest French dragoon in the service of Louis the Fourteenth,
having caught a man of whom he was jealous in the room with his wife,
after some words, told him, he would let him escape that time; but if
ever he found him there again, he’d throw his hat out of the window.
Notwithstanding this terrible threat, in a very few days he caught the
spark in the same place, and was as good as his word. Knowing what he
had done, he posted away to a place where the king was, and throwing
himself at his majesty’s feet, implored his pardon. The king asked him
what his offence was? he told him the story, and how he had thrown the
man’s hat out of the window. Well, well, said the king, laughing, I very
readily forgive you; considering your provocation, I think you were much
in the right to throw his hat out of the window. Yes, and may it please
you, my liege, said the dragoon, but his head was in it. Was it so?
replied the king: well, my word is passed.


366. A young and learned gentleman, who was to preach a probation sermon
for a very good lectureship in the city, and had but a bad voice, though
otherwise an excellent preacher; a friend, when he came out of the
pulpit, wished him joy, and said he would certainly carry the election,
for he had nobody’s voice against him but his own.


367. Some repartees, strictly speaking, ought not to be brought under
the head of jests, yet, for the readiness of the thought, and the
politeness of the expression, are somewhat better. Of this sort was the
answer made by Sir Robert Sutton to the late King of Prussia, on his
asking him at a review of his tall grenadiers, if he would say an equal
number of Englishmen could beat them? No, sire, answered Sir Robert, I
won’t pretend to say that, but I believe half the number would try.


368. Sir John H. C. being in the Court of Requests one morning, soon
after Sir Rob. W― had married Miss S―, and overhearing him tell a
gentleman, who congratulated him upon that occasion, that he was glad
his friends were pleased with what he had done―Ay, and so are your
enemies too, said he.


369. The Earl of C―d, notwithstanding his great good nature, upon
some provocation was, at a certain time, forced to lay his cane across
the shoulders of Sir Harry ―, who took it very patiently. Some time
after, Sir Harry himself caned a fellow, who was a great coward: upon
which, my lord meeting him the next day, told him he was glad to hear he
behaved so gallantly yesterday. Ay, my lord, said he, you and I know
whom we beat.


370. The Cardinal de Retz being out of favour at court, and at last
recalled to kiss the King’s hand, the king said to him, Your eminence’s
hair is grown quite white. To which he replied, It would make a younger
man than I am look grey, to have been so long in disgrace with your
majesty as I have.

371. Upon the death of the famous Molière, a poet waiting with his
epitaph upon the Prince of Condé, the Prince told him, he should have
been much better pleased, if Molière had brought him his.

372. A bishop going in great haste to Rome, to be cardinalized, missed
his promotion, and returned; but got a violent cold by the way: It is no
wonder, said one that was told of it, since he came so far without his
hat.

373. A gentleman being very drunk, came to a friend’s house, and told
him, he came three miles on purpose to sup with him: to which the other
answered, He was greatly obliged to him, since he came so far to see him
before he came to himself.

374. A Scotch parson in the rump-time, in his babbling prayer, said,
Laird bless the grand council, the parliament, and grant they may all
hang together. A country-fellow standing by, said, Yes, yes, with all my
heart, and the sooner the better; and I am sure it is the prayers of all
good people. But friends, said Sawney, I don’t mean as that fellow
means, but pray they may all hang together in accord and concord. No
matter what cord, replied the other, so it is but a strong cord.

375. An honest highlander, walking along Holborn, heard a voice cry,
Rogue, Scot; Rogue, Scot; his northern blood fired at the insult, he
drew his broadsword, looking round him on every side, to discover the
object of his indignation; he at last found that it came from a parrot,
perched in a balcony within his reach; but the generous Scot, disdaining
to stain his trusty blade with such ignoble blood, put up his sword
again, with a sour smile, saying, Gin ye were a mon, as ye’re a green
geuse, I would split your ween.


376. The Rev. Mr. Brodie preaching one day at the kirk in Edinburgh on
hell torments, represented them to be intolerable, by the extreme cold
they suffered there. And it being at that time very cold weather, one of
his congregation, after sermon, took upon him to ask him the reason of
his so doing, when all the eminent divines had preached it up to be the
reverse. O sir, said he, I had good reason; for if I had told them it
was hot, I should have had them all run away to warm themselves.


377. An Irishman having a looking-glass in his hand, shut his eyes, and
placed it before his face; another asking him, Why he did so? Upon my
shoul, said Teague, it is to see how I look when I am asleep.


378. Two gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them,
said one, There goes the handsomest woman I ever saw. She hearing him,
turned back, and seeing him very ugly, said, I wish I could, in
return, say as much by you. So you may, madam, said he, and tell a
falsehood as I did.


379. An impudent ridiculous fellow, being laughed at by all who came in
his company, told some of his acquaintance, that he had a happy quality
of laughing at all who laughed at him. Then, said one of them, you lead
the merriest life of any man in Christendom.


380. Alexander the Great asked Dionedes, a famous pirate, who was
brought prisoner to him, why he was so bold as to rob and plunder in his
seas? he answered, That he did it for his profit, and as Alexander
himself was used to do it. But because I do it with one single galley, I
am called a pirate; but you, sire, who do it with a great army, are
called a king. This bold answer so pleased Alexander, that he set him at
liberty.


381. A ploughman seeing the Archbishop of Cologne go by, attended by a
great many soldiers, laughed; the archbishop pressed him to know the
reason: It is because I wonder, said the ploughman, to see an archbishop
armed and followed, not by churchmen, but by soldiers, like a general of
an army. Friend, replied the archbishop, in my church I perform the part
of an archbishop with my clergy; but in the field I march like a duke,
accompanied by my soldiers. I understand you, my lord, answered the
peasant; but pray tell me, when my lord duke goes to the devil, what
will then become of my lord the archbishop?


382. The Duke of Guise, after a battle fought between Francis I. and
Charles V. reproached Villandry, that though he was in complete armour,
yet he had not been seen in the fight. I’ll make it out, answered
Villandry, boldly, that I was there, and in a place where you durst not
be seen. The duke nettled at this reproach, threatened to punish him
severely; but he appeased him with these words: I, my lord, was with the
baggage, where your courage would not suffer you to go.


383. Hermon was so covetous, according to the testimony of Lucilius,
that dreaming one night that he had spent some money, he hanged himself
in the morning; but Dinarchee Philo quitted the design he had once taken
to hang himself, because he grudged the expense of a rope.


384. Dr. M―d coming out of Tom’s coffee-house, an impudent broken
apothecary met him at the door, and accosted him with a request to lend
him five guineas: Sir, said the doctor, I am surprised that you should
apply to me for such a favour; who do not know you! Oh, dear sir,
replied the apothecary, it is for that very reason; for those who do
won’t lend me a farthing.


385. An old superstitious Roman, who had his buskins rateaten, consulted
Cato, in a grave manner, what such an accident might portend. Cato bid
him set his mind at rest, for there would come no mischief from it. But,
said the philosopher, if your buskins had eaten the rats, it might have
been dangerous.


386. Philip, king of Macedon, after the battle of Cheronea, having
generously set all the Athenian prisoners free, upon their
unconscionably demanding their baggage, Sure, said he, the men fancy we
had but a mock fight.


387. An archbishop finding fault with some actions of Queen Elizabeth,
brought her good arguments out of the scriptures to prove, that they
favoured more of the politician than the christian. I see, said she, my
lord, you have read the scriptures, but not the book of Kings.


388. In a visit Queen Elizabeth made to the famous Lord Chancellor
Bacon, at a small country seat, which he had built for himself before
his preferment; she asked him, how it came that he had made himself so
small a house? It is not I, madam, answered he, who have made my house
too small for myself, but your majesty, who has made me too big for my
house.


389. Some person praising a generous prince for virtues he had not;
Well, said he, I’ll do my utmost to hinder your telling an untruth.


390. King William III. being upon a march for some secret expedition,
was entreated by a general to tell him what his design was: the king,
instead of answering him, asked him, whether, in case he should tell
him, he could keep it a secret, and would let it go no farther; the
general promised it should not. Well, answered his majesty, I know how
to keep a secret as well as you.


391. Mr. T―s C―r, the comedian, coming one day to his father, begged
him to let him have a hundred pounds, which would make him perfectly
easy in his affairs. Why, then, said the father, it is very strange you
can’t live upon your salary, your benefit, and other advantages; when I
was of your age, I never spent any of my father’s money. I do not know
that, answered the son, but I am sure you have spent a great many
hundred pounds of my father’s money.


392. An ordinary country fellow being called as an evidence in a court
of judicature, in a cause where the terms of mortgager and mortgagee
were frequently used, the judge asked the countryman if he knew the
difference between the mortgager and mortgagee: Yes, said he, it is the
same as between the nodder and noddee. How is that? replied the judge.
Why, you sit there, my lord, said the clown, and I nod at you; then I am
the nodder, and your lordship is the noddee.


393. Two fellows meeting, one asked the other, why he looked so sad? I
have very good reasons for it, answered the other; poor Jack Such-a-one,
the greatest crony and best friend I had in the world, was hanged but
two days ago. What had he done? said the first. Alas, replied the other,
he did no more than you or I would have done on the like occasion; he
found a bridle in the road, and took it up. What! answered the other,
hang a man for taking a bridle! That’s hard indeed. To tell the truth of
the matter, said the other, there was a horse at the end of it.


394. It was a fine saying of my lord Russell, who was beheaded in the
reign of King Charles II., when on the scaffold, he delivered his watch
to Dr. Gilbert Burnet, afterwards bishop of Salisbury: Here, sir, said
he, take this, it shows time: I am going into eternity, and shall have
no longer any need of it.


395. Queen Elizabeth, having taken notice of the Duke de Villa Medina’s
gallant behaviour at a tournament, told him one day, that she would
absolutely know who his mistress was: Villa Medina excused himself
awhile, but at last yielding to her curiosity, he promised to send her
her picture. The next morning he sent her majesty a packet; wherein the
Queen finding nothing but a small looking-glass, presently understood
the Spaniard’s meaning.


396. A dyer, in a court of justice, being ordered to hold up his hand
that was all black; Take off your glove, friend, said the judge to him.
Put on your spectacles, my lord, answered the dyer.


397. A sober young woman, who was treating with a maidservant about work
and wages, asked her, among other questions, what religion she was of?
Alack-a-day, madam, said the poor innocent girl, I never trouble my head
about that; for religion, I thought, was only for gentlefolks.


398. Admiral Chatillon being on a holiday gone to hear mass in the
Dominican friars’ chapel, a poor fellow begged his charity, just as he
was most intent on his devotions. He felt in his pocket, and gave him
several pieces of gold, without counting them, or minding what they
were. The considerable alms so dazzled the beggar’s eyes, that he was
amazed at it. As M. Chatillon was going out of the church door, where
the poor man waited for him; Sir, said he, showing him what he had given
him, I cannot tell whether you intended to give me so large a sum; if
not, I am very ready to return it. The admiral, wondering at the honesty
of the man, said, I did not, indeed, honest man, intend to have given
you so much; but, since you have the generosity to offer to return it, I
will have the generosity to desire you to keep it, and there are five
pieces more for you.


399. A certain captain, who had made a greater figure than his fortune
could well bear, and the regiment not being paid as was expected, was
forced to put off a great part of his equipage; a few days after, as he
was walking by the roadside, he saw one of his soldiers sitting cleaning
himself under a hedge: What are you doing there, Tom? said the officer.
Why, faith, sir, answered the soldier, I am following your example,
getting rid of part of my retinue.


400. One who had formerly been rich, but had squandered away his estate,
and left himself no furniture in the house but a sorry bed, a little
table, a few broken chairs, and some other odd things, seeing a parcel
of thieves, who knew not his condition, breaking into his house in the
night, he cried out to them, Are not you a pack of fools, to think to
find anything here in the dark, when I can find nothing by daylight?


401. A certain great lord having, by his extravagancies, run himself
over head and ears in debt, and seeming very little concerned about it,
one of his friends told him one day, That he wondered how he could sleep
quietly in his bed, whilst he was so much in debt. For my part, said my
lord, I sleep very well; but I wonder how my creditors can.


402. A bishop of Cervia in Italy came in great haste to the Pope, and
told him, that it was generally reported his holiness had done him the
honour to make him governor of Rome. How, said the Pope, don’t you know
that fame spreads a great many false reports? and I dare say you will
find this one of them.


403. A Gascon, one day reading in company a letter he had just received
from his father, who therein acquainted him, that he was threatened with
an assessment, which would be very hard upon him, whose whole estate was
not above two hundred livres per annum. This sum was written in figures,
thus (200). But the Gascon reading two thousand instead of two hundred,
a lady that stood behind him, and read the letter without uttering a
word, so that he could not perceive her, hearing him say two thousand;
Hold, hold, sir, said she, there are but two hundred. Let me be hanged,
said he, turning about to her, if the coxcomb, meaning his father, has
not forgot a cipher.


404. Another Gascon officer, who had served under Henry IV. King of
France, and not having received any pay for a considerable time, came to
the king, and confidently said to him, Sire, three words with your
majesty: Money or discharge. Four with you, answered his majesty:
Neither one nor t’other.


405. A certain Italian having wrote a book upon the art of making gold,
dedicated it to Pope Leo X. in hopes of a good reward: His holiness
finding the man constantly following him, at length gave him a large
empty purse, saying, Sir, since you know how to make gold, you can have
no need of anything but a purse to put it in.


406. A countryman seeing a lady in the street in a very odd dress as he
thought, begged her to be pleased to tell him what she called it. The
lady, a little surprised at the question, called him impertinent fellow.
Nay, I hope no offence, madam, cried Hodge, I am a poor countryman, just
going out of town, and my wife always expects I should bring her an
account of the newest fashion, which occasioned my inquiring what you
call this that you wear. It is a sack, said she, in a great pet. I have
heard, replied the countryman (heartily nettled at her behaviour) of a
pig in a poke, but never saw a sow in a sack before.


407. A proud parson, and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd
tending his flock, and having a new coat on, the parson asked him, in a
haughty tone, who gave him that coat? The same, said the shepherd, that
clothed you, the parish. The parson, nettled at this, rode on a little
way, and then bade his man go back, and ask the shepherd if he’d come
and live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man going accordingly to
the shepherd, delivered his master’s message, and concluded as he was
ordered, that his master wanted a fool. Why, are you going away then?
said the shepherd. No, answered the other. Then you may tell your
master, replied the shepherd, his living can’t maintain three of us.


408. A lad was running along the gunnel of a ship, with a can of flip in
his hand, of which he was to have part himself, when a cannon ball came
suddenly, and took off one of his legs; Look ye there now, said he, all
the flip’s spilt.


409. Lord Falkland, the author of the play, called The Marriage Night,
was chosen very young to sit in parliament; and when he was first
elected, some of the members opposed his admission, urging, That he had
not sown all his wild oats. Then, replied he, it will be the best way to
sow them in the house, where there are so many geese to pick them up.


410. The Duke of ― asked a friend, Who he thought had undertaken the
most difficult task, Mr. Whiston, in his attempts to discover the
longitude, or Mr. Lisle, to find the philosopher’s stone? The friend
answered, that he could not tell which was the more arduous task of the
two which those gentlemen had undertaken, but he was sure that he had
himself engaged in a much more difficult work than either of them. What
is that? said his grace. I have been these six years endeavouring to
prevail on you to pay your debts, replied the friend.


411. A schoolmaster asking one of his boys, in a sharp wintry morning,
what was Latin for cold, the boy hesitated a little: What, sirrah, said
he, can’t you tell? Yes, yes, replied the boy, I have it at my fingers’
ends.


412. When the gate, which joined to Whitehall, was ordered by the House
of Commons to be pulled down, to make the coach-way more open and
commodious, a member made a motion, that the other which was contiguous
to it, might be taken down at the same time; which was opposed by a
gentleman, who told the house, that he had a very high veneration for
that fabric, that he looked upon it as a noble piece of antiquity; that
he had the honour to have lived by it many years; and therefore humbly
begged the house would continue the honour to him, for it would really
make him unhappy to be deprived of it now. Counsellor Hungerford
seconded the gentleman, and said, ’Twould be a thousand pities, but he
should be indulged to live still by his gate, for he was sure he could
never live by his style.


413. A nobleman having presented King Charles II. with a fine horse, his
majesty bade Killigrew, who was present, tell him his age; whereupon
Killigrew went and examined the tail; What are you doing? said the king,
that is not the place to find out his age. O! sir, said Killigrew, Your
majesty knows one should never look a gift horse in the mouth.


414. A certain poetaster, whose head was full of a play of his own
writing, was explaining the plot and design of it to a courtier. The
scene of it, said he, is in Cappadocia; and, to judge rightly of the
play, a man must transport himself into the country, and get acquainted
with the genius of the people. You say right, answered the courtier, and
I think it would be best to have it acted there.


415. A young man, who was a very great talker, making a bargain with
Isocrates to be taught by him, Isocrates asked double the price that his
other scholars gave him; and the reason, said he, is, that I must teach
thee two sciences, one to speak, and the other to hold thy tongue.


416. A certain couple going to Dunmow in Essex, to claim the flitch of
bacon, which is to be given to every married pair, who can swear they
had no dispute, nor once repented their bargain in a year and a day, the
steward ready to deliver it, asked where they would put it; the husband
produced a bag, and told him, in that. That, answered the steward, is
not big enough to hold it. So I told my wife, replied the good man; and
I believe we have had a hundred words about it. Ay, said the steward,
but they were not such as will butter any cabbage to eat with this
bacon; and so hung the flitch up again.


417. Two gentlemen, one named Chambers, the other Garret, riding by
Tyburn, said the first, This is a very pretty tenement, if it had but a
Garret. You fool, said Garret, don’t you know there must be Chambers
first?


418. Two gentlemen, one named Woodcock, the other Fuller, walking
together, happened to see an owl; said the last, That bird is very much
like a Woodcock. You are very wrong, said the first, for it’s Fuller in
the head, Fuller in the eyes, and Fuller all over.


419. An arch boy having taken notice of his schoolmaster’s often reading
a chapter in Corinthians, wherein is this sentence, ‘We shall all be
changed in the twinkling of an eye,’ privately erased the letter c in
the word changed. The next time the master read it, we shall all be
hanged in the twinkling of an eye.


420. A certain great man, who had been a furious party man, and most
surprisingly changed sides, by which he obtained a coronet, was soon
after at cards at a place where Lady T―nd was, and complaining in the
midst of the game, that he had a great pain in his side, I thought your
lordship had no side, said she.


421. A gentleman living in Jamaica, not long ago, had a wife not of the
most agreeable humour in the world; however, as an indulgent husband, he
had bought her a fine pad, which soon after gave her a fall that broke
her neck. Another gentleman in the same neighbourhood, blessed likewise
with a termagant spouse, asked the widower, if he would sell his wife’s
pad, for he had a great fancy for it, and he would give him what he
would for it. No, said the other, I don’t care to sell it, for I am not
sure that I shan’t marry again.


422. A scholar of Dr. Busby’s coming into a parlour where the doctor had
laid a fine bunch of grapes for his own eating, took it up and said
aloud, I publish the banns between these grapes and my mouth; if any one
knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined
together, let them declare it. The doctor, being but in the next room,
overheard all that was said, and coming into the school, he ordered the
boy who had eaten his grapes to be taken up, or, as they called it,
horsed on another boy’s back; but before he proceeded to the usual
discipline, he cried out aloud, as the delinquent had done: I publish
the banns between my rod and this boy’s breech, if any one knows any
just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together,
let them declare it. I forbid the banns, cried the boy. Why so? said the
doctor. Because the parties are not agreed, replied the boy. Which
answer so pleased the doctor, who loved to find any readiness of wit in
his scholars, that he ordered the boy to be set down.


423. The late Sir Robert Henley, who was commonly pretty much in debt,
walking one day with two or three other gentlemen in the Park, was
accosted by a tradesman, who took him aside for a minute or two, and
when the baronet rejoined his company, he seemed to be in a great
passion, which his friends taking notice of, asked him what was the
matter? Why the rascal, said he, has been dunning me for money I have
owed him these seven years, with as much impudence as if it was a debt
of yesterday.


424. The late Mr. D―t, the player, a man of great humanity, as will
appear by the story, having heard that his landlady’s maid had cut her
throat with one of his razors, of which an account was brought to him
behind scenes at the time of the play; D―t, with great concern and
emotion, cried out, Zoons, I hope it was not with my best razor!


425. Joe Haines, the player, being asked what could transport Mr.
Collier into so blind a zeal for the general suppression of the stage,
when only some particular authors had abused it; whereas the stage, he
could not but know, was generally allowed, when rightly conducted, to be
a delightful method of mending the morals? For that reason, replied
Haines; Collier is, by profession, a moral-mender himself, and two of a
trade, you know, can never agree.


426. Some gentlemen being at a tavern together, for want of better
diversion, one proposed play; but, said another of the company, I have
fourteen good reasons against gaming. What are they? said another. In
the first place, answered he, I have no money. Oh! said the other, if
you had four hundred reasons, you need not name another.


427. A parson, in the country, taking his text from St. Matthew, chap.
viii. 14, ‘And Peter’s wife’s mother lay sick of a fever,’ preached for
three Sundays together on the same subject. Soon after, two country
fellows going across the church-yard, and hearing the bell toll, one
asked the other, who it was for? Nay, I can’t tell you; perhaps, replied
he, it is for Peter’s wife’s mother, for she has been sick of a fever
these three weeks.


428. The Hon. Mr. L― one morning, at the late Sir Robert Walpole’s
levee, as I sat by them, asked John Lawton for a pinch of snuff, who
told him he had none in his box, for he seldom took any, but now and
then to keep him awake at church. That, said the other, is the most
improper thing you can do there; for it quite destroys the natural
operation of the sermon.


429. I remember in the reign of the late Queen Anne, when disputes ran
high between Whig and Tory, some persons suffered party to mix in every
their minutest action. A Tory would not cock his hat in the same manner
that a Whig did, nor a Whig lady patch her face on the same side that
the Tory ladies patched theirs. A pleasant instance of this strict
adherence to party in trivial affairs, was Dick W―l, who, being sent to
parliament on the Tory interest, was resolved to do nothing but what was
on that side. The house, a few days after he took his seat in it,
happening to sit late, a motion was made for candles to be brought in,
which being put to the vote, Dick pulled a high-flying member, who sat
near him, by the sleeve, and asked him if candles were for the church?
And being answered in the affirmative, very readily gave his voice for
them, which otherwise he would not have done.


430. A young fellow, not quite so wise as Solomon, eating some Cheshire
cheese full of mites, one night at the tavern: Now, said he, have I done
as much as Sampson, for I have slain my thousands and my ten thousands.
Yes, answered one of the company, and with the same weapon too, the
jawbone of an ass.


431. Poor Joe Miller going one day along the Strand, an impudent Derby
captain came swaggering up to him, and thrust between him and the wall.
I don’t use to give the wall, said he, to every jackanapes. But I do,
said Joe; and so made way for him.


432. When the late Duke of ― went over as Lord Lieutenant to Ireland,
he took an excellent man cook with him, but they had not been there
above a month, when, finding his grace kept a very scurvy house, he gave
him warning. What’s the reason, said the duke, that you have a mind to
leave me? Why, if I continue with your excellency much longer, answered
the cook, I shall quite forget my trade.


433. A certain officer in the guards telling one night, in company with
Joe Miller, of several wonderful things he had seen abroad, among the
rest he told the company he had seen a pike caught that was six feet
long. That’s a trifle, said Joe, I have seen a half-pike, in England,
longer by a foot, and yet not worth twopence.


434. Jemmy Spiller, another of the jocose comedians, going one day
through Rag Fair, a place where they sell second-hand goods, cheapened a
leg of mutton, he saw hanging up there, at a butcher’s stall. The
butcher told him it was a groat a pound. Are you not an unconscionable
fellow, said Spiller, to ask such a price, when one may have a new one
for the same price in Clare Market?


435. A gentleman having a servant with a very thick skull, used often to
call him the king of fools. I wish, said the fellow one day, you could
make your words good, I should then be the greatest monarch in the
world.


436. A lawyer being sick, made his last will, and gave all his estate to
fools and madmen; being asked the reason for so doing: From such, said
he, I had it, and to such I give it again.


437. A thief being brought to Tyburn to be executed, the ordinary of
Newgate, in taking his last confession, asked him if he was not sorry
for having committed the robbery for which he was going to suffer? The
criminal answered, Yes, but that he was more sorry for not having stolen
enough to bribe the jury.


438. A certain poor unfortunate gentleman was so often pulled by the
sleeve by the bailiffs, that he was in continual apprehension of them;
and going one day through Tavistock Street, his coat sleeve happened to
hitch upon the iron spike of one of the rails; whereupon he immediately
turned about in a great surprise, and cried out, At whose suit, sir? at
whose suit?


439. A soldier in the late wars, a little before an engagement, found a
horse-shoe, and stuck it in his girdle; shortly after, in the heat of
the action, a bullet came and hit him upon that part. Well, said he, I
find a little armour will serve a turn, if it be put in the right place.


440. The late famous Arthur Moor, who was much in favor with the Tory
ministry, in the latter part of Queen Anne’s reign, had a lady who was
reckoned a woman of great wit and humour, but of political principles
quite opposite to those of her husband. After the death of the Queen,
when it was talked of as if the late ministers would have been called to
account, my Lord B―ke meeting Mrs. Moor one day, in a visit, Well,
madam, said he, you hear how terribly we are threatened; you’ll come, I
hope, and see me, when I go to Tower Hill? Upon my word, my lord, said
she, I should be extremely glad to do it: but I believe I shall be
engaged another way, for I am told my Snub (the name by which she always
called her husband) will be obliged to go the same day to Tyburn.


441. The same lady, coming home one evening, told her husband she wished
him joy, for she heard he was to be made a lord. (This was before the
death of Queen Anne.) And pray, said he, what did they say was to be my
title? My Lord Tariff, replied she, which was a sneer upon him, for
having been engaged in settling a tariff of trade which he was thought
well skilled in. And why don’t you, when you hear any one abuse your
husband, spit in their face? said he. No, I thank you, answered the
lady, I don’t intend to spit myself into a consumption.


442. The late Sir John Tash was a famous wine-merchant, and sold great
quantities of that liquor, but was supposed to make it chiefly without
much of the juice of the grape; therefore Alderman Parsons meeting him
one day, saluted him by the name of brother brewer. I deal in wine, Mr.
Alderman, said Sir John, and am no brewer. But I know you are, replied
the other, and can brew more by an inch of candle, than I can with a
caldron of coals.


443. A late archbishop having promised one of his chaplains, who was a
favourite, the first good living in his gift, that he should like, and
think worthy his acceptance; soon after hearing of the death of an old
rector, whose parsonage was worth about 300_l._ a year, sent his
chaplain to the place to see how he liked it; the doctor, when he came
back again, thanked his grace for the offer he had made him, but said,
he had met with such an account of the country, and the neighbourhood,
as was not at all agreeable to him, and therefore should be glad, if his
grace pleased, to wait till something else fell. Another vacancy not
long after happening, the archbishop sent him also to view that; but he
returned as before, not satisfied with it, which did not much please his
grace. A third living, much better than either of the others becoming
vacant, as he was told, the chaplain was sent to take a view of that;
and when he came back, Well, now, said my lord, how do you like this
last living? what objection can you have to this? I like the country
very well, my Lord, answered he, and the house, the income, and the
neighbourhood, but― But! replied the archbishop, what but can there
be then? But, my lord, said he, I found the old incumbent smoking his
pipe at the gate of his house.


444. Two city ladies meeting at a visit, one a grocer’s wife, and the
other a cheesemonger’s (who perhaps stood more upon the punctilio of
precedence than some of their betters would have done at the court end
of the town) when they had risen up and taken their leaves, the
cheesemonger’s wife was going out of the room first, upon which the
grocer’s lady, pulling her back by the tail of her gown, and stepping
before her, No, madam, said she, nothing comes after cheese.


445. Old Johnson, the player, who was not only a very good actor, but a
good judge of painting, and remarkable for making many dry jokes, was
shown a picture, done by a very indifferent hand, but much commended,
and was asked his opinion of it. Why, truly, said he, the painter is a
very good painter, and observes the Lord’s commandments. What do you
mean by that, Mr. Johnson? said one who stood by. Why, I think, answered
he, that he hath not made to himself the likeness of anything that is in
Heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water
under the earth.


446. A certain noble lord in the county of Hants, who had not much
applied himself to letters, and was remarkable for his ill-spelling,
dining at a neighbouring gentleman’s house, took notice several times,
and commended a snuff-box he made use of; when my lord was gone away,
the gentleman’s wife said to her husband, My dear, you did not observe
how often my lord commended your snuff-box; I dare say he would have
been highly pleased if you had made him an offer of it; if I was you I
would send it after him. The gentleman took his lady’s advice, and the
next morning sent a servant away with a letter, and the snuff-box, as a
present to the lord.―The lady judged right, for my lord was mightily
delighted with it, and returned a most complaisant letter of thanks for
the present, and told the gentleman, in his ill-spelling, that he was
greatly obliged to him, and in a few days would send him an elephant,
(equivalent he would have written). The gentleman, not at all liking my
lord’s proposal, sent his servant with a letter again next day, telling
his lordship, that he was very glad the box was so acceptable to him,
and thanking him for the honour he designed him, but begged he would not
think of sending what he mentioned, for it would not only be attended
with an expense, which he could not very well afford, being such a
devouring animal, but would bring such numbers of people to see it, that
it would make his house a perfect house of call. My lord, a little while
after, meeting the gentleman, told him, he was surprised at his letter,
and could not imagine what he meant by it. The elephant, said he, that
your lordship spoke of sending me. Elephant! said the learned lord, how
could a man of your understanding make such a mistake? I said I would
send you an equivalent. I beg your lordship’s pardon, returned the
gentleman, and am ashamed of being such a dunce that I could not read
your lordship’s letter.


447. Young Griffith Lloyd, of the county of Cardigan, being sent to
Jesus College, Oxford, where he was looked upon as an errant dunce, wore
a calf-skin waistcoat, tanned with the hair on, and trimmed with a broad
gold lace, and gold buttons. One of the Oxonians, an eminent punster,
said, that Griffith was like a dull book, bound in calf-skin, and gilt,
but very ill-lettered.


448. Old G―, the rich miser of Gloucestershire, going home one day,
between Wickivarr and Badminton, the way being greasy, after a shower of
rain, his foot slipped, and he fell off a high bank into a wet ditch,
where he was almost smothered; a countryman, who knew his character,
coming by, he begged him, for God’s sake, to help him. Ay, said the
countryman, give me your hand. _Give_ being a word that old G― had a
great aversion to, cried out, I thank you, honest friend, I will lend
you my hand with all my heart. I have often heard, said the other, that
you would never give anything in your life, so you may lie there; and on
he walked.


449. An old woman at the head of a table, said a satirical young one,
seems to revive the old Grecian custom of serving up a death’s head with
their banquets.


450. The famous Tony Lee, a player in King Charles the Second’s reign,
being killed in a tragedy, having a violent cold, could not forbear
coughing as he lay dead upon the stage, which occasioned a good deal of
laughter and noise in the house; he lifted up his head, and speaking to
the audience, said, This makes good what my poor mother used to tell me;
for she would often say that I should cough in my grade, because I used
to drink in my porridge. This set the house in such good humour, that it
produced a thundering peal of applause, and made every one very readily
pardon the solecism he had before committed.


451. Tom S―, the organist of St. M―, being reckoned to have a fine
finger, drew many people to hear him, whom, he would oftentimes
entertain with a voluntary after evening service, and his auditory
seeming one day greatly delighted with his performance, after the church
was cleared, Adad, sir, said his organ-blower, who was an idiot, I think
we did rarely to-day. We, sirrah! said Tom. Ay, we, to be sure, answered
the other; what would you have done without me? The next Sunday, Tom
sitting down to play, could not make his organ speak, whereupon, calling
to the bellows-blower, asked him what he meant? why he did not blow?
Shall it be we, then? said the other.


452. A certain French gentleman, having been but a very little while in
England, was invited to a friend’s house, where a large bowl of punch
was made, a liquor he had never seen before, and which did not at all
agree with him; but having forgot the name of it, he asked a person the
next day, What dey call a dat liqur in England, which is all de
contradiction; where is de brandy to make it strong, and de vater to
make it small, de sugar to make it sweet, and de lemons to make it
sower. Punch, answered the other, I suppose you mean. Ay, ponche, begar,
cried monsieur, it almost ponche my brain out last night.


453. The famous Captain Fitzpatrick, who married ’Squire Western’s
niece, and was reckoned an excellent hand at making bulls, was walking
one day with two or three ladies, a little way out of West Chester, with
his hat under his arm; the wind blowing very hard, one of the ladies
said, I wonder, captain, you will be so ceremonious to walk bare-headed
in such boisterous weather; pray, sir, put on your hat. Arrah, by my
shoul, dear madam, answered the captain, I have been after trying two or
three times already, and the wind is so high, that I can’t keep my hat
upon my head any longer than ’tis under my arm.


454. The same gentleman being with the aforesaid ladies, in a nobleman’s
garden, where there was a large iron roller, told them, he thought it
was the biggest iron rolling-stone he had ever seen in his life.


455. A philosopher being blamed by a stander-by, for defending an
argument weakly against the Emperor Adrian, replied, What! would you
have me contend with a man that commands thirty legions of soldiers?


456. A painter turned physician; upon which change, a friend applauded
him, saying, You have done well, for before, your faults could be
discovered by the naked eye, but now they are hid.


457. Bishop Latimer preaching at court, said, that it was reported the
king was poor, and that they were seeking ways and means to make him
rich; but he added, For my part, I think the best way to make the king
rich, would be to give him a good post, or office, for all his officers
are rich.


458. Zelim, the first of the Ottoman Emperors that shaved his beard, his
predecessors having always worn it long, being asked by one of his
bashaws, why he altered the custom of his predecessors? answered,
Because you bashaws shall not lead me by the beard, as you did them.


459. It being told Antigonus, in order to intimidate him, as he marched
to the field of battle, that the enemy would shoot such volleys of
arrows, as would intercept the light of the sun. I am glad of it,
replied he, for it being very hot, we shall then fight in the shade.


460. A sailor having received ten guineas for turning Roman Catholic,
said to the priest who paid him the money, Sir, you ought to give me ten
guineas more, because it is so hard to believe transubstantiation.


461. One seeing an affected coxcomb buying books, told him, His
bookseller was properly his upholsterer, for he furnished his room
rather than his head.


462. An arch wag once said, That tailors were like woodcocks, for they
got their sustenance by their long bills.


463. A complaint being made to the court of Spain of a certain Viceroy
of Mexico, the Secretary of State, who was his friend, wrote him word,
that he was accused at court of having extorted great sums of money from
the people under his government; which I hope, said the Secretary, is
true, or else you are undone.


464. At a religious meeting a lady persevered in standing on a bench,
and thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to
sit down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said gravely, I
think, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her
stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way. This had the desired
effect―she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standing
by, blushed to the temples, and said, O, brother, how could you say what
was not the fact? Not the fact! replied the old gentleman; if she had
not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how she
gets them on.


465. A gentleman in the country having the misfortune to have his wife
hang herself on an apple tree, a neighbour of his came to him and begged
he would give him a scion of that tree, that he might graft it upon one
in his own orchard; for who knows, said he, but it may bear the same
fruit!


466. St. Evremond said, in defence of Cardinal Mazarine, when he was
reproached with neglecting the good of the kingdom that he might engross
the riches of it, Well, let him get all the riches, and then he will
think of the good of the kingdom, for it will be all his own.


467. The late Earl of S― kept an Irish footman, who, perhaps, was as
expert in making bulls as the most learned of his countrymen. My lord
having sent him one day with a present to a certain judge, the judge in
return sent my lord half-a-dozen live partridges with a letter; the
partridges fluttering in the basket upon Teague’s back, as he was
carrying them home, he set down the basket, and opened the lid of it to
quiet them, whereupon they all flew away. Oh! the devil burn ye, said
he, I am glad you are gone. But when he came home, and my lord had read
the letter, Well, Teague, said my lord, I find there are half-a-dozen
partridges in the letter. Arrah now, dear sir, said Teague, I am glad
you have found them in the letter, for they are all lost out of the
basket.


468. The same nobleman going out one day, called Teague to the side of
his chariot, and bade him tell Mr. Such-a-one, if he came, that he
should be at home at dinner-time. But when my lord was got across the
square in which he lived, Teague came puffing after him, and calling to
the coachman to stop; upon which my lord, pulling the string, desired to
know what Teague wanted; My lord, said he, you bade me tell Mr.
Such-a-one, if he came, that you would dine at home; but what must I say
if he don’t come?


469. A tailor’s boy being at church, heard it said that a remnant only
should be saved. Egad, said the boy, then my master makes plaguy long
remnants.


470. The renowned Mr. Wh―n, the famous astronomer, had made a
calculation that the world would be at an end in fifteen years, and some
time after offered to dispose of an estate; he asked the gentleman who
was about it, at the rate of thirty years purchase, upon which the
gentleman, in great surprise, demanded how he could ask so many years
purchase, when he very well knew the world would be at an end in half
the time.


471. Some thievish fellows being at a tavern, they agreed amongst
themselves to steal the silver cup that was brought up to them, and when
they were going by the bar, You are welcome, gentlemen, kindly welcome,
cried the landlord. Ah, said the fellow with the cup to himself, I wish
we were well gone too.


472. A waterman belonging to the Tower, being put by one of the players
into the upper gallery in Covent Garden playhouse, the fellow, not being
very sober, and falling asleep, tumbled into the pit; but having the old
proverb on his side, received little or no hurt; and being told by some
of his companions that he was now free of the house, he went to Mr. Rich
(the then manager) to put in his claim, who very readily allowed it,
with this proviso, that he should always go out the same way he had come
in.


473. One told another, who did not use to be clothed over often, that
his new coat was too short for him; That’s true, answered his friend,
but it will be long enough before I get another.


474. A gentleman who was travelling in Italy, saw one day, as he passed
along the road near Naples, a man standing up to his chin in a puddle of
dirty water; not able to guess at the meaning of it, he cried out to
him, What are you catching there, friend? Cold, replied the other, for I
have to sing the bass part at the opera to-night. But suppose, said the
gentleman, you catch your death. Why, then, said the other, the opera
will be damned.


475. In the reign of Queen Anne, when it was said Lord Orford had got a
number of peers made at once, to serve a particular turn, being met next
day by Lord Wharton,―So, Robin, said he, I find what you lost by tricks
you have gained by honours.


476. A young gentleman who had stolen a ward, being in suit for her
fortune, before a late lord chancellor, and the counsel insisting much
on the equity of decreeing her a fortune for her maintenance, his
lordship turned briskly upon him with this sentence, That since the
suitor had stolen the flesh, he should get bread to it how he could.


477. A country fellow, who had served several years in the army abroad,
when the war was over, coming home to his friends, was received amongst
them with great rejoicing, and the miraculous stories related by him
were heard with no small pleasure. Well, said the old father, and
prythee Jack, what didst thou learn there? Learn, sir, why I learnt to
know that when I turned my shirt, the vermin had a day’s march to my
skin again.


478. An Irish barrister had a client of his own country who was a
sailor, and having been at sea for some time, his wife was married again
in his absence, so he was resolved to prosecute her; and coming to
advise with the counsellor, told him he must have witnesses to prove
that he was alive when his wife married again. Arrah, by my shoul, but
that shall be impossible, said the other, for my shipmates are all gone
to sea again upon a long voyage, and shan’t return this twelve-month.
Oh! then, answered the counsellor, there can be nothing done in it, and
what a pity it is that such a brave cause should be lost now, only
because you cannot prove yourself to be alive.


479. King Charles the First being prevailed upon by one of his courtiers
to knight a very worthless fellow, of mean aspect, when he was going to
lay the sword upon his shoulder the new knight drew a little back, and
hung down his head as out of countenance; Don’t be ashamed, said the
king, ’tis I have most reason to be so.


480. One said Sir John Cutler looked very dismally when night came on,
not because it brought darkness with it, but because daylight saved him
a candle.


481. A man was reproached by another with barbarity in beating his wife
so severely as he often did; Go, you are a fool, and ignorant of the
scriptures, said he, else you would know that it was a proof of my love
for her, otherwise I would not be at the trouble; but he that the Lord
loveth he chastizeth, and so do I.


482. An Irish soldier once returning from battle in the night, marching
a little way behind his companion, called out to him, Hollo, Pat, I have
catch’d a tartar! Bring him along then! Ay, but he won’t come. Why then
come away without him. By Jasus, but he won’t let me!


483. A very harmless Irishman, eating an apple-pie with some quinces in
it, Arrah now, dear honey, said he, if a few of these quinces give such
a flavour, how would an apple-pie taste made all of quinces?


484. The late duke of Wharton, going through Holborn in a hackney coach,
with Phil. F―, saw a fellow drumming before the door of a puppet-show;
Now, this is a pretty employment, Phil., said the duke; if you were
reduced so low, that you were obliged to be either a highwayman or
drummer to a puppet-show, which would you choose? Faith, my lord,
answered Phil., I would be the highwayman rather than the other. Ay,
replied the duke, that confirms the opinion I always had of you, that
you have more pride than honesty.


485. Sir T. P. once in parliament brought in a bill that wanted some
amendment, which being not attended to by the house, he frequently
repeated that he thirsted to mend his bill. Upon which a worthy member
got up, and said, Mr. Speaker, I humbly move, since the honourable
member thirsts so very much, that he may be allowed to mend his draught.
This put the house in such a good humour, that his request was granted.


486. An English gentleman asked Sir Richard Steele, who was an Irishman,
What was the reason that his countrymen were so remarkable for
blundering and making bulls? Faith, said the knight, I believe there is
something in the air of Ireland; and I dare say, if an Englishman was
born there he would do the same.


487. A gentleman who was a staunch Whig, disputing with a Jacobite,
said, he had two good reasons for being against the interest of the
pretender: What are those? said the ot

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