Scotch Wit and Humor
by W. H. Howe · English · Gutenberg #41732 · 437,203 chars · public domain (US)
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Title: Scotch Wit and Humor
Author: W. H. Howe
Release date: December 29, 2012 [eBook #41732]
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Language: English
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SCOTCH WIT AND HUMOR
Classified Under Appropriate Subject
Headings, with, in Many Cases, a
Reference to a Table of Authors
Philadelphia
George W. Jacobs & Co.
103-105 S. Fifteenth Street
Copyright, 1898, by
George W. Jacobs & Co.
Preface
_Scotch Wit and Humor_ is a fairly representative collection of the type
of wit and humor which is at home north of the Tweed--and almost
everywhere else--for are not Scotchmen to be found everywhere? To say
that wit and humor is not a native of Scotch human nature is to share
the responsibility for an inaccuracy the author of which must have been
as unobservant as those who repeat it. It is quite true that the humor
is not always or generally on the surface--what treasure is?--and it may
be true, too, that the thrifty habits of our northern friends, combined
with the earnestness produced by their religious history, have brought
to the surface the seriousness--amounting sometimes almost to
heaviness--which is their most apparent characteristic. But under the
surface will be found a rich vein of generosity, and a fund of humor,
which soon cure a stranger--if he has eyes to see and is capable of
appreciation--of the common error of supposing that Scotchmen are either
stingy or stupid.
True, there may be the absence of the brilliancy which characterizes
much of the English wit and humor, and of the inexpressible quality
which is contained in Hibernian fun; but for point of neatness one may
look far before discovering anything to surpass the shrewdness and
playfulness to be found in the Scotch race. In fact, if Scotland had no
wit and humor she would have been incapable of furnishing a man who
employed such methods in construction as were introduced by the engineer
of the Forth Bridge.
W. H. HOWE.
Contents
Page
A Badly Arranged Prayer 108
A Beadle Magnifying his Office 26
A Board-School Examiner Floored 143
A Bookseller's Knowledge of Books 181
"A Call to a Wider Sphere" 99
A Canny Witness 112
A Case in which Comparisons were Odious 76
A Castle Stor(e)y 119
A Churl Congratulated 165
A Clever "Turn" 161
A Comfortable Preacher 111
A Compensation Balance 180
A Compliment by Return 68
A Conditional Promise 87
A Consistent Seceder 159
A Consoling "If" 43
A Critic on His Own Criticism 124
"A Cross-examiner Answered" 13
A Crushing Argument against MS Sermons 176
A Curiously Unfortunate Coincidence in Psalm Singing 164
A Cute Gaoler 212
A Cute Way of Getting an Old Account 88
A Definition of Baptism 129
A Definition of "Fou" 59
A Descendant of the Stuarts 105
A Descriptive Hymn 195
A Different Thing Entirely 67
A Discerning Fool 199
A Drunkard's Thoughts 125
A Dry Preacher 120
A False Deal 125
A Family Likeness 30
A Fruitful Field 176
A Good Judge of Accent 38
A Grammatical Beggar 120
A "Grand" Piano 147
A "Grave" Hint 173
A Harmless Joke 106
A Highland Chief and His Doctor 170
A Highland Servant Girl and the Kitchen Bell 97
A Highland Outburst of Gratitude and an Inburst of Hurricane 66
A Highlander on Bagpipes 56
A Keen Reproof 134
A "Kippered" Divine 105
A Law of Nature 199
A Leader's Description of His Followers 190
A Lecture on Baldness--Curious Results 46
A Lesson in Manners 202
A Lesson to the Marquis of Lorne 15
A Lofty "Style" 126
A Lunatic's Advice to Money-Lenders 129
A Magnanimous Cobbler 202
A Marriage not made in Heaven 210
A Matter-of-fact Death Scene 172
A Minor Major 88
A Misdeal 103
A Miserly Professor 46
A Modern Dumb Devil (D.D.) 164
A Mother's Confidence in Her Son 113
A Nest-egg Noo 14
A New and Original Scene in "Othello" 178
A New Application of "The Argument from Design" 174
A New Explanation of an Extra Charge 94
A New Story Book--at the Time 150
A Night in a Coal Cellar 211
A Paradox 200
A Patient Lady 140
A Piper's Opinion of a Lord--and Himself 163
A Poacher's Prayer 205
A Poem for the Future 108
A Poetical Question and Answer 121
A Poor Place for a Cadger 149
A Powerful Preacher 79
A Practical View of Matrimony 207
A Preacher with His Back Towards Heaven 175
A Process of Exhaustion 167
A Ready Student 73
"A Reduction on a Series" 151
A Reproof Cleverly Diverted 32
A Restful Preacher 139
A Sad Drinking Bout 209
A Sad Loss 201
A Satisfactory Explanation 119
A Saving Clause 156
A Scathing Scottish Preacher in Finsbury Park 155
A Scotch Curtain Lecture on Profit and Pain 59
A Scotch Fair Proclamation of Olden Days 153
A Scotch Matrimonial Jubilee 125
A Scotch "Native" 98
A Scotch "Squire" 33
A Scotch "Supply" 109
A Scotch Version of the Lives of Esau and Jacob 62
A Scotch View of Shakespeare 58
A Sensible Lass 200
A Sensible Servant 202
A Serious Dog--and for a Serious Reason 161
A Sexton's Criticism 183
A Shrewd Reply 83
"A Sign of Grace," 103
A Spiritual Barometer 174
A Stranger in the Court of Session 198
A Successful Tradesman 61
A Sympathetic Hearer 87
A Teetotal Preacher Asks for "A Glass"--and Gets It 107
A Test of Literary Appreciation 207
A Thoughtless Wish 167
A Thrifty Proposal 123
A Typical Quarrel 71
A Variety Entertainment 194
A Vigorous Translation 195
A Whole-witted Sermon from a Half-witted Preacher 135
A Widow's Promise 117
A Wife's Protection 100
A "Wigging" 204
Absence of Humor--Illustrated 146
Absent in Mind, and Body too 208
Acts of Parliament "Exhausted" 173
Advice on Nursing 124
Advice to an M.P. 68
"After you, Leddies" 207
"'Alice' Brown, the Jaud" 56
An Affectionate Aunt 199
An Angry Preacher 111
An Author and His Printer 134
An Earl's Pride and Parsimony 127
An Economical Preacher's Bad Memory 92
An Epitaph to Order 194
An "Exceptional Prayer" 118
An Extra Shilling to Avoid a Calamity 206
An Idiot's Views of Insanity 113
An Instance of Scott's Pleasantry 36
An Observant Husband 29
An Open Question 102
An Out-of-the-way Reproof 119
"Another Opportunity" 211
Appearing "in Three Pieces" 73
"As Guid Deid as Leevin" 58
At the End of His Tether 123
Bad Arithmeticians Often Good Bookkeeper 131
"Before the Provost" 195
Beginning Life where he ought to have Ended, and Vice Versa 86
Better than a Countess 114
"Bock Again!"--A Prompt Answer 104
Bolder than Charles the Bold 137
Born Too Late 175
Both Short 193
Broader Than He Was Long 205
"Brothers" in Law 29
"Bulls" in Scotland 29
Canny Dogs 68
Capital Punishment 35
"Capital Punishment"--Modified 90
Caring for Their Minister 19
Catechising 201
Church Economy 60
Church Popularity 197
Choosing a Minister 77
Compensation 84
Compulsory Education and a Father's Remedy 34
Concentrated Caution 173
"Consecrated" Ground 75
Consoled by a Relative's Lameness 41
Curious Delusion Concerning Light 41
Curious Idea of the Evidence for Truth 37
Curious Misunderstanding 131
Curious Pulpit Notice 141
Curious Sentence 42, 68
Curious Use of a Word 91
Dead Shot 34
Deathbed Humor 172
Definition of Metaphysics 131
Degrees of Capacity 95
Denominational Graves 196
Depression--Delight--Despair 126
"Discretion--the Better Part of Valor" 51
Disqualified to be a Country Preacher 122
Distributing His Praises with Discernment 22
Disturbed Devotions 110
Domestics in By-gone Days 102
Double Meanings 17
Drawing an Inference 182
Drinking by Candle-light 121
Driving the Deevil Oot 70
Droll Solemnity 93
Drunken Wit 117
Dry Weather, and Its Effect on the Ocean 37
Earning His Dismissal 57
"Eating Among the Brutes" 110
"Effectual Calling" 142
Either Too Fast or Too Slow 97
English versus Scotch Sheep's Heads 33
Entrance Free, and "Everything Found" 161
Escaping Punishment 196
"Every Man to His Own Trade" 73
Extraordinary Absence of Mind 104
"Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady" 63
Faring Alike 102
Fetching His "Character" 96
Finding Work for His Class, While He Dined 91
Fool Finding 75
Forcing a Judge to Obey the Law 132
"Fou--Aince" 181
Fowls and Ducks! 84
From Different Points of View 74
From Pugilism to Pulpit 158
"Gathering Up the Fragments" 169
Ginger Ale 87
Giving Them the Length of His Tongue 166
Going to Ramoth Gilead 182
Going to the Doctor's and "Taking" Something 76
Good Enough to Give Away 120
Good "for Nothing"--Not the Goodness Worth Having 78
"Grace" With No Meat After 142
Gratifying Industry! 203
Grim Humor 122
Ham and Cheese 150
Happy Escape from an Angry Mob 43
"Haste" and "Leisure" 111
"Haudin' His Stick" 38
"Having the Advantage" 166
"Hearers Only--Not Doers" 88
Heaven Before it Was Wanted 41
Helping Business 48
Highland Happiness 18
Highland Simplicity 85
Highland Warldliness 200
His Own, with "Interest" 193
His Word and His Bond Equally Binding 131
Holding a Candle to the Sun 124
Honest Johnny M'Cree 40
How Greyhounds are Produced 203
How to Exterminate Old Thieves 86
How to Treat a Surplus 89
Husband! Husband! Cease Your Strife! 154
Hume Canonized 160
Inconsistencies of "God's People" 151
Indiscriminate Humor 39
Ingenious Remedy for Ignorance 200
"Invisible and Incomprehensible" 96
It Takes Two to Fight 190
It's a Gran' Nicht 55
"Kaming" Her Ain Head 171
Keeping His Threat--at His Own Expense 145
"Knowledge--It Shall Vanish Away" 106
Knox and Claverhouse 153
Landseer's Deadly Influence 89
Laughing in the Pulpit--With Explanation 37
"Law" Set Aside by "Gospel" 106
Leaving the Lawyers a Margin 129
Less Sense Than a Sheep 41
Lessons in Theology 15
"Lichts Oot!" 107
Light Through a Crack 14
Lights and Livers 193
Living With His Uncle 165
Looking After Himself 193
Looking Before Leaping 107
Lord Clancarty and the Roman Catholic Chaplain 113
Lord Cockburn Confounded 201
Lord Mansfield and a Scotch Barrister on Pronunciation 114
Losing His Senses 51
Lost Dogs 80
"Lost Labor" 149
"Making Hay While the Sun Shines" 112
Mallet, Plane, and Sermon--All Wooden 23
Marriages which are Made in Heaven--How Revealed 115
"Married!"--not "Living" 79
Matrimony a Cure for Blindness 93
Matter More than Manner 90
Maunderings by a Scotchman 184
Meanness versus Crustiness 192
Mending Matters 95
Mental Aberration 70
Minding His Business 79
Modern Improvements 152
More Polite than Some Smokers 100
More Witty Than True 136
Mortal Humor 176
Mortifying Unanimity 43
Motive for Church Going 142
Multum in Parvo 62
National Thrift Exemplified 94
Nearer the Bottom than the Top 175
New Style of Riding in a Funeral Procession 145
New Use for a "Cosy" 95
"No Better than Pharaoh" 143
"No Compliments" 202
No End to His Wit 129
"No Lord's Day!" 34
"No Road This Way!" 159
No Wonder! 27
Not all Profit 89
Not at Home 101
Not "in Chains" 163
Not Necessarily Out of His Depth 98
Not One of "The Establishment" 143
Not Qualified to Baptize 213
Not Quite an Ass 212
Not Surprised 210
Not Up to Sample 116
Not Used to It 141
"Nothing," and How to See It 133
Objecting to Long Sermons 161
Objecting to "Regeneration" 30
Objecting to Scotch "Tarmes" 140
Official Consolation and Callousness 139
"Old Bags" 107
"Old Clo'" 197
One "Always Right," the Other "Never Wrong" 14
One Scotchman Outwitted by Another 214
One Side of Scotch Humor 82
"Oo"--with Variations 116
Ornithology 207
Paris and Peebles Contrasted 57
Passing Remarks 197
Patriotism and Economy 154
Peter Peebles' Prejudice 33
Pie, or Patience? 89
"Plain Scotch" 19
Plain Speaking 93
Playing at Ghosts 157
Pleasant Prospect Beyond the Grave 138
"Plucked!" 36
Popularity Tested by the Collection 118
Practical Piety 172
Practical Thrift 75
"Prayer, with Thanksgiving" 206
Praying for Wind 109
Pretending to Make a Will 133
Prince Albert and the Ship's Cook 77
Prison Piety 61
Prof Aytoun's Courtship 209
Prophesying 130
Providing a Mouthful for the Cow 149
Pulpit Aids 76
Pulpit Eloquence 183
Pulpit Familiarity 165
Pulpit Foolery 138
"Purpose," not "Performance," Heaven's Standard 147
Putting off a Duel and Avoiding a Quarrel 206
Quaint Old Edinburgh Ministers 215
Qualifications for a Chief 26
Question and Answer 127
Quid pro Quo 34
Radically Rude 168
Reasons For and Against Organs in Kirk 31
"Reflections" 28
Refusing Information 85
Relieving His Wife's Anxiety 168
Religious Loneliness 61
Remarkable Presence of Mind 86
Remembering Each Other 115
Reproving a Miser 83
"Rippets" and Humility 170
Rival Anatomists in Edinburgh University 49
Rivalry in Prayer 179
Robbing on Credit 75, 127
Rustic Notion of the Resurrection 128
Sabbath Breaking 85
Sabbath Zeal 123
"Saddling the Ass" 102
Salmon or Sermon 104
Sandy's Reply to the Sheriff 120
Sandy Wood's Proposal of Marriage 49
Satisfactory Security 114
Scoring a Point 13
Scotch Caution versus Suretiship 105
Scotch "Fashion" 18
Scotch Ingenuity 137
Scotch Literalness 98
Scotch "Paddy" 35
Scotch Provincialism 100
Scotch Undergraduates and Funerals 39
Scotchmen Everywhere 180
Scottish Negativeness 96
Scottish Patriotism 147
Scottish Vision and Cockney Chaff 197
Scripture Examination 87
Sectarian Resemblances 166
Seeking, Not Help, but Information--and Getting It 34
Sending Him to Sleep 152
Shakespeare--Nowhere! 159
Sharpening His Teeth 92
Sheridan's Pauses 208
"Short Commons" 137
Short Measure 57
Significant Advice 204
Silencing English Insolence 48
Simplicity of a Collier's Wife 108
Sleepy Churchgoers 170
Speaking Figuratively 112
Speaking from "Notes" 74
Speeding the Parting Guest 192
Spiking an Old Gun 156
Spinning It Out 100
Splendid Use for Bagpipes 171
Square-Headed 84
Strange Reason for Not Increasing a Minister's Stipend 183
Strangers--"Unawares"--Not Always Angels 28
Stratagem of a Scotch Pedlar 80
Steeple or People? 159
Stretching It 69
Sunday Drinking 181
Sunday Shaving and Milking 70
Sunday Thoughts on Recreation 167
"Surely the Net is Spread in Vain in the Sight of Any Bird" 64
Taking a Light Supper 128
"Terms--'Cash Down'" 132
"The" and "The Other" 197
The Best Crap 210
The Best Time to Quarrel 146
The Book Worms 148
The Chieftain and the Cabby 88
The End Justifying the Means 45
The Fall of Adam and Its Consequences 85
The Fly-fisher and the Highland Lassie 101
The Force of Habit 204
The Highlander and the Angels 82
The Horse that Kept His Promise 146
The Importance of Quantity in Scholarship 35
The Journeyman Dog 60
The Kirk of Lamington 149
The Man at the Wheel 156
The Mercy of Providence 59
The "Minister's Man" 177
The Parson and His "Thirdly" 136
The Philosophy of Battle and Victory 154
The Prophet's Chamber 160
The Queen's Daughters--or "Appearances were Against Them" 116
The "Sawbeth" at a Country Inn 180
The Scotch Mason and the Angel 135
The Speech of a Cannibal 162
The Scottish Credit System 35
The Selkirk Grace 151
The Shape of the Earth 178
The Shoemaker and Small Feet 137
The Same with a Difference 139
"The Spigot's Oot" 193
The "Tables" of "the Law" 110
The Value of a Laugh in Sickness 92
"The Weaker Vessel" 79
"There Maun Be Some Faut" 172
"Things which Accompany Salvation" 192
"Though Lost to Sight--to Memory Dear" 153
Three Sisters All One Age 19
Tired of Standing 61
"To Memory 'Dear'" 78
Too Canny to Admit Anything Particular 42
Too Much Light--and Too Little 31
Touching Each Other's Limitations 165
True (perhaps) of Other Places than Dundee 133
Trying One Grave First 90
Trying to Shift the Job 94
Turning His Father's Weakness to Account 36
"Two Blacks Don't Make a White" 158
Two Good Memories 83
Two Methods of Getting a Dog Out of Church 174
Two Questions on the Fall of Man 162
Two Views of a Divine Call 58
Two Ways of Mending Ways 160
Unanswerable 75
"Uncertainty of Life," from Two Good Points of View 148
"Unco' Modest" 30
Unusual for a Scotchman 134
"Ursa Major" 207
Using Their Senses 24
Vanity Scathingly Reproved 203
"Verra Weel Pitched" 118
Virtuous Necessity 27
Was He a Liberal or a Tory? 123
Walloping Judas 56
Watty Dunlop's Sympathy for Orphans 18
Wersh Parritch and Wersh Kisses 198
"What's the Lawin', Lass?" 190
When Asses may not be Parsons 62
Why Israel made a Golden Calf 92
Why Janet Slept During Her Pastor's Sermon 99
Why Not? 133
Why Saul Threw a Javelin at David 182
Why the Bishops Disliked the Bible 139
Will any Gentleman Oblige "a Lady"? 150
Winning the Race Instead of the Battle 207
Wiser than Solomon 152
"Wishes Never Filled the Bag" 141
Wit and Humor Under Difficulties 198
LIST OF KNOWN WORKS AND AUTHORITIES QUOTED
(_Indicated in the Text by a Corresponding Number_)
1 _Life and Labor_ (Smiles)
2 (Robert Burns)
3 (Pall Mall Gazette)
4 (Dr. Chas. Stewart)
5 (Norman Macleod)
6 (Dr. Begg)
7 (Dean Ramsay)
8 _National Fun_ (Maurice Davies)
9 _Anecdotes of the Clergy_ (Jacob Larwood)
10 (William Arnott)
11 (Moncure D. Conway)
12 _Rab and His Friends_ (Rev. John Brown)
13 _Memoir of R. Chambers_ (William Chambers)
14 _Memorials_ (Lord Cockburn)
15 (Dr. Guthrie)
16 (Anonymous)
17 (Daily News)
18 _Turkey in Europe_ (Colonel J. Baker)
19 _All the Year Round_ (Charles Dickens)
20 _Red Gauntlet_ (Sir Walter Scott)
21 (Chambers' Journal)
22 (Dr. Hanna)
23 (Sir W. Scott)
24 (James Hogg)
25 (Rev. D. Hogg)
26 (J. Smith)
Scotch Wit and Humor
=Scoring a Point=
A young Englishman was at a party mostly composed of Scotchmen, and
though he made several attempts to crack a joke, he failed to evoke a
single smile from the countenances of his companions. He became angry,
and exclaimed petulantly: "Why, it would take a gimlet to put a joke
into the heads of you Scotchmen."
"Ay," replied one of them; "but the gimlet wud need tae be mair pointed
than thae jokes."
=A Cross-Examiner Answered=
Mr. A. Scott writes from Paris: More than twenty years ago the Rev. Dr.
Arnott, of Glasgow, delivered a lecture to the Young Men's Christian
Association, Exeter Hall, upon "The earth framed and fitted as a
habitation for man." When he came to the subject of "water" he told the
audience that to give himself a rest he would tell them an anecdote.
Briefly, it was this: John Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldon) was being
examined before a Committee of the House of Lords. In using the word
water, he pronounced it in his native Doric as "watter." The noble lord,
the chairman, had the rudeness to interpose with the remark, "In
England, Mr. Clerk, we spell water with one 't.'" Mr. Clerk was for a
moment taken aback, but his native wit reasserted itself and he
rejoined, "There may na be twa 't's' in watter, my lord, but there are
twa 'n's' in manners." The droll way in which the doctor told the story
put the audience into fits of laughter, renewed over and over again, so
that the genial old lecturer obtained the rest he desired. [3]
=One "Always Right," the Other "Never Wrong"=
A worthy old Ayrshire farmer had the portraits of himself and his wife
painted. When that of her husband, in an elegant frame, was hung over
the fireplace, the gudewife remarked in a sly manner: "I think, gudeman,
noo that ye've gotten your picture hung up there, we should just put in
below't, for a motto, like, 'Aye richt!'"
"Deed may ye, my woman," replied her husband in an equally pawkie tone;
"and when ye got yours hung up ower the sofa there, we'll just put up
anither motto on't, and say, 'Never wrang!'"
="A Nest Egg Noo!"=
An old maid, who kept house in a thriving weaving village, was much
pestered by the young knights of the shuttle constantly entrapping her
serving-women into the willing noose of matrimony. This, for various
reasons, was not to be tolerated. She accordingly hired a woman
sufficiently ripe in years, and of a complexion that the weather would
not spoil. On going with her, the first day after the term, to "make her
markets," they were met by a group of strapping young weavers, who were
anxious to get a peep at the "leddy's new lass."
One of them, looking more eagerly into the face of the favored handmaid
than the rest, and then at her mistress, could not help involuntarily
exclaiming, "Hech, mistress, ye've gotten a nest egg noo!"
=Light Through a Crack=
Some years ago the celebrated Edward Irving had been lecturing at
Dumfries, and a man who passed as a wag in that locality had been to
hear him.
He met Watty Dunlop the following day, who said, "Weel, Willie, man, an'
what do ye think of Mr. Irving?"
"Oh," said Willie, contemptuously, "the man's crack't."
Dunlop patted him on the shoulder, with a quiet remark, "Willie, ye'Il
aften see a light peeping through a crack!" [7]
=A Lesson to the Marquis of Lorne=
The youthful Maccallum More, who is now allied to the Royal Family of
Great Britain, was some years ago driving four-in-hand in a rather
narrow pass on his father's estate. He was accompanied by one or two
friends--jolly young sprigs of nobility--who appeared, under the
influence of a very warm day and in the prospect of a good dinner, to be
wonderfully hilarious.
In this mood the party came upon a cart laden with turnips, alongside
which the farmer, or his man, trudged with the most perfect
self-complacency, and who, despite frequent calls, would not make the
slightest effort to enable the approaching equipage to pass, which it
could not possibly do until the cart had been drawn close up to the near
side of the road. With a pardonable assumption of authority, the marquis
interrogated the carter: "Do you know who I am, sir?" The man readily
admitted his ignorance.
"Well," replied the young patrician, preparing himself for an effective
_dénouement_, "I'm the Duke of Argyll's eldest son!"
"Deed," quoth the imperturbable man of turnips, "an' I dinna care gin ye
were the deevil's son; keep ye're ain side o' the road, an' I'll keep
mine."
It is creditable to the good sense of the marquis, so far from seeking
to resist this impertinent rejoinder, he turned to one of his friends,
and remarked that the carter was evidently "a very clever fellow."
=Lessons in Theology=
The answer of an old woman under examination by the minister, to the
question from the Shorter Catechism, "What are the _decrees_ of God?"
could not have been surpassed by the General Assembly of the Kirk, or
even the Synod of Dart, "Indeed, sir, He kens that best Himsell."
* * * * *
An answer analogous to the above, though not so pungent, was given by a
catechumen of the late Dr. Johnston of Leith. She answered his own
question, patting him on the shoulder: "Deed, just tell it yersell,
bonny doctor (he was a very handsome man); naebody can tell it better."
* * * * *
A contributor (A. Halliday) to _All the Year Round_, in 1865, writes as
follows:
When I go north of Aberdeen, I prefer to travel by third class. Your
first-class Scotchman is a very solemn person, very reserved, very much
occupied in maintaining his dignity, and while saying little, appearing
to claim to think the more. The people whom you meet in the third-class
carriages, on the other hand, are extremely free. There is no reserve
about them whatever; they begin to talk the moment they enter the
carriage, about the crops, the latest news, anything that may occur to
them. And they are full of humor and jocularity.
My fellow-passengers on one journey were small farmers, artisans,
clerks, and fishermen. They discussed everything, politics, literature,
religion, agriculture, and even scientific matters in a light and airy
spirit of banter and fun. An old fellow, whose hands claimed long
acquaintance with the plow, gave a whimsical description of the parting
of the Atlantic telegraph cable, which set the whole carriage in a roar.
"Have you ony shares in it, Sandy?" said one.
"Na, na," said Sandy. "I've left off speculation since my wife took to
wearing crinolines; I canna afford it noo."
"Fat d'ye think of the rinderpest, Sandy?"
"Weel, I'm thinking that if my coo tak's it, Tibbie an' me winna ha'
muckle milk to our tay."
The knotty question of predestination came up and could not be settled.
When the train stopped at the next station, Sandy said: "Bide a wee,
there's a doctor o' deveenity in one o' the first-class carriages. I'll
gang and ask him fat he thinks aboot it." And out Sandy got to consult
the doctor. We could hear him parleying with the eminent divine over the
carriage door, and presently he came running back, just as the train
was starting, and was bundled in, neck and crop, by the guard.
"Weel, Sandy," said his oppugner on the predestination question, "did
the doctor o' deveenity gie you his opinion?"
"Ay, did he."
"An' fat did he say aboot it?"
"Weel, he just said he dinna ken an' he dinna care."
The notion of a D.D. neither kenning nor caring about the highly
important doctrine of predestination, so tickled the fancy of the
company that they went into fits of laughter. [38]
=Double Meanings=
A well-known idiot, named Jamie Frazer, belonging to the parish of
Lunan, in Forfarshire, quite surprised people sometimes by his replies.
The congregation of his parish had for some time distressed the minister
by their habit of sleeping in church. He had often endeavored to impress
them with a sense of the impropriety of such conduct, and one day when
Jamie was sitting in the front gallery wide awake, when many were
slumbering round him, the clergyman endeavored to awaken the attention
of his hearers by stating the fact, saying: "You see even Jamie Frazer,
the idiot, does not fall asleep as so many of you are doing." Jamie not
liking, perhaps, to be designated, coolly replied, "An' I hadna been an
idiot I wad ha' been sleepin', too." [7]
* * * * *
Another imbecile of Peebles had been sitting in church for some time
listening to a vigorous declamation from the pulpit against deceit and
falsehood. He was observed to turn red and grow uneasy, until at last,
as if wincing under the supposed attack upon himself personally, he
roared out: "Indeed, meenister, there's mair leears in Peebles than me."
[7]
* * * * *
A minister, who had been all day visiting, called on an old dame, well
known for her kindness of heart and hospitality, and begged the favor
of a cup of tea. This was heartily accorded, and the old woman bustled
about, getting out the best china and whatever rural delicacies were at
hand to honor her unexpected guest. As the minister sat watching these
preparations, his eye fell on four or five cats devouring cold porridge
under the table.
"Dear me! what a number of cats," he observed. "Do they all belong to
you, Mrs. Black?"
"No, sir," replied his hostess innocently; "but as I often say, a' the
hungry brutes i' the country side come to me seekin' a meal o' meat."
The minister was rather at a loss for a reply.
=Scotch "Fashion"=
The following story, told in the "Scotch Reminiscences" of Dean Ramsay,
is not without its point at the present day: "On a certain occasion a
new pair of inexpressibles had been made for the laird; they were so
tight that, after waxing hot and red in the attempt to try them on, he
_let out_ rather savagely at the tailor, who calmly assured him, 'It's
the fashion--it's the fashion.'
"'Eh, ye haveril, is it the fashion for them _no' to go on_?'" [7]
=Wattie Dunlop's Sympathy for Orphans=
Many anecdotes of pithy and facetious replies are recorded of a minister
of the South, usually distinguished as "Our Wattie Dunlop." On one
occasion two irreverent young fellows determined, as they said, to
"taigle" (confound) the minister. Coming up to him in the High Street of
Dumfries, they accosted him with much solemnity: "Maister Dunlop, hae ye
heard the news?" "What news?" "Oh, the deil's dead." "Is he?" said Mr.
Dunlop, "then I maun pray for twa faitherless bairns." [7]
=Highland Happiness=
Sir Walter Scott, in one of his novels, gives expression to the height
of a Highlander's happiness: Twenty-four bagpipes assembled together in
a small room, all playing at the same time different tunes. [23]
=Plain Scotch=
Mr. John Clerk (afterwards Lord Eldon), in pleading before the House of
Lords one day, happened to say in his broadest Scotch accent: "In plain
English, ma lords."
Upon which a noble lord jocosely remarked: "In plain Scotch, you mean,
Mr. Clerk."
The prompt advocate instantly rejoined: "Nae matter! in plain common
sense, ma lords, and that's the same in a' languages, ye'll ken."
=Caring for Their Minister=
A minister was called in to see a man who was very ill. After finishing
his visit, as he was leaving the house, he said to the man's wife: "My
good woman, do you not go to any church at all?"
"Oh yes, sir; we gang to the Barony Kirk."
"Then why in the world did you send for me? Why didn't you send for Dr.
Macleod?"
"Na, na, sir, 'deed no; we wadna risk him. Do ye no ken it's a dangerous
case of typhus?"
=Three Sisters All One Age=
A Highland census taker contributed the following story to _Chambers'_:
I had a bad job with the Miss M'Farlanes. They are three maiden
ladies--sisters. It seems the one would not trust the other to see the
census paper filled up; so they agreed to bring it to me to fill in.
"Would you kindly fill in this census paper for us?" said Miss
M'Farlane. "My sisters will look over and give you their particulars by
and by."
Now, Miss M'Farlane is a very nice lady; though Mrs. Cameron tells me
she has been calling very often at the manse since the minister lost his
wife. Be that as it may, I said to her that I would be happy to fill up
the paper; and asked her in the meantime to give me her own particulars.
When it came to the age column, she played with her boot on the carpet,
and drew the black ribbons of her silk bag through her fingers, and
whispered: "You can say four-and-thirty, Mr. M'Lauchlin." "All right,
ma'am," says I; for I knew she was four-and-thirty at any rate. Then
Miss Susan came over--that's the second sister--really a handsome young
creature, with fine ringlets and curls, though she is a little
tender-eyed, and wears spectacles.
Well, when we came to the age column, Miss Susan played with one of her
ringlets, and looked in my face sweetly, and said: "Mr. M'Lauchlin, what
did Miss M'Farlane say? My sister, you know, is considerably older than
I am--there was a brother between us."
"Quite so, my dear Miss Susan," said I; "but you see the bargain was
that each was to state her own age."
"Well," said Miss Susan, still playing with her ringlets, "you can
say--age, thirty-four years, Mr. M'Lauchlin."
In a little while the youngest sister came in.
"Miss M'Farlane," said she, "sent me over for the census paper."
"O, no, my dear," says I; "I cannot part with the paper."
"Well, then," said she, "just enter my name, too, Mr. M'Lauchlin."
"Quite so. But tell me, Miss Robina, why did Miss M'Farlane not fill up
the paper herself?"--for Miss Robina and I were always on very
confidential terms.
"Oh," she replied, "there was a dispute over _particulars_; and Miss
M'Farlane would not let my other sister see how old she had said she
was; and Miss Susan refused to state her age to Miss M'Farlane; and so,
to end the quarrel, we agreed to ask you to be so kind as to fill in the
paper."
"Yes, yes, Miss Robina," said I; "that's quite satisfactory; and so,
I'll fill in your name now, if you please."
"Yes," she uttered, with a sigh. When we came to the age column--"Is it
absolutely necessary," said she, "to fill in the age? Don't you think it
is a most impertinent question to ask, Mr. M'Lauchlin?"
"Tuts, it may be so to some folk; but to a sweet young creature like
you, it cannot matter a button." "Well," said Miss Robina--"but now,
Mr. M'Lauchlin, I'm to tell you a great secret"; and she blushed as she
slowly continued: "The minister comes sometimes to see us."
"I _have_ noticed him rather more attentive in his visitations in your
quarter of late, than usual, Miss Robina."
"Very well, Mr. M'Lauchlin; but you must not tease me just now. You know
Miss M'Farlane is of opinion that he is in love with her; while Miss
Susan thinks her taste for literature and her knowledge of geology,
especially her pamphlet on the Old Red Sandstone and its fossils as
confirming the old Mosaic record, are all matters of great interest to
Mr. Frazer, and she fancies that he comes so frequently for the
privilege of conversing with her. But," exclaimed Miss Robina, with a
look of triumph, "look at that!" and she held in her hand a beautiful
gold ring. "I have got that from the minister this very day!"
I congratulated her. She had been a favorite pupil of mine, and I was
rather pleased with what happened. "But what," I asked her, "has all
this to do with the census?"
"Oh, just this," continued Miss Robina, "I had no reason to conceal my
age, as Mr. Frazer knows it exactly, since he baptized me. He was a
young creature then, only three-and-twenty; so that's just the
difference between us."
"Nothing at all, Miss Robina," said I; "nothing at all; not worth
mentioning."
"In this changeful and passing world," said Miss Robina,
"three-and-twenty years are not much after all, Mr. M'Lauchlin!"
"Much!" said I. "Tuts, my dear, it's nothing--just, indeed, what should
be."
"I was just thirty-four last birthday, Mr. M'Lauchlin," said Miss
Robina; "and the minister said the last time he called that no young
lady should take the cares and responsibilities of a household upon
herself till she was--well, eight-and-twenty; and he added that
thirty-four was late enough."
"The minister, my dear, is a man of sense."
So thus were the Miss M'Farlanes' census schedules filled up; and if
ever some one in search of the curiosities of the census should come
across it, he may think it strange enough, for he will find that the
three sisters M'Farlane are all ae year's bairns!
=Distributing His Praises with Discernment=
Will Stout was a bachelor and parish beadle, residing with his old
mother who lived to the age of nearly a hundred years. In mature life he
was urged by some friends to take a wife. He was very cautious, however,
in regard to matrimony, and declined the advice, excusing himself on the
ground "that there are many things you can say to your mither you
couldna say to a fremit (strange) woman."
While beadle, he had seen four or five different ministers in the
parish, and had buried two or three of them. And although his feelings
became somewhat blunted regarding the sacredness of graves in general,
yet he took a somewhat tender care of the spot where the ministers lay.
After his extended experience, he was asked to give his deliberate
judgment as to which of them he had liked best. His answer was guarded;
he said he did not know, as they were all good men. But being further
pressed and asked if he had no preference, after a little thought he
again admitted that they were all "guid men, guid men; but Mr.
Mathieson's claes fitted me best."
One of the new incumbents, knowing Will's interest in the clothes,
thought that at an early stage he would gain his favor by presenting him
with a coat. To make him conscious of the kindly service he was doing,
the minister informed him that it was almost new. Will took the garment,
examined it with a critical eye, and having thoroughly satisfied
himself, pronounced it "a guid coat," but pawkily added: "When Mr. Watt,
the old minister, gied me a coat, he gied me breeks as weel."
The new minister, who was fortunately gifted with a sense of humor,
could not do less than complete Will's rig-out from top to toe, and so
established himself as a permanent favorite with the beadle.
=Mallet, Plane and Sermon--All Wooden=
In olden times, the serviceable beadle was armed with a small wooden
"nob" or mallet, with which he was quietly commissioned to "tap" gently
but firmly the heads of careless sleepers in church during the sermon.
An instance to hand is very amusing.
In the old town of Kilbarchan, which is celebrated in Scottish poetry as
the birthplace of Habbie Simpson, the piper and verse maker of the
clachan, once lived and preached a reverend original, whose pulpit
ministrations were of the old-fashioned, hodden-gray type, being humdrum
and innocent of all spirit-rousing eloquence and force. Like many of his
clerical brethren, he was greatly annoyed every Sunday at the sight of
several of his parishioners sleeping throughout the sermon. He was
especially angry with Johnny Plane, the village joiner, who dropped off
to sleep every Sunday afternoon simultaneously with the formal delivery
of the text. Johnny had been "touched" by the old beadle's mallet on
several occasions, but only in a gentle though persuasive manner. At
last, one day the minister, provoked beyond endurance at the sight of
the joiner soundly sleeping, lost his temper.
"Johnny Plane!" cried the reverend gentleman, stopping his discourse and
eyeing the culprit severely, "are ye really sleeping already, and me no'
half through the first head?"
The joiner, easy man, was quite oblivious to things celestial and
mundane, and noticed not the rebuke.
"Andra," resumed the minister, addressing the beadle, and relapsing into
informal Doric, "gang round to the wast loft (west gallery) and rap up
Johnny Plane. Gie the lazy loon a guid stiff rap on the heid--he
deserves 't."
Round and up to the "wast loft" the old-fashioned beadle goes, and
reaching the somnolent parishioner, he rather smartly "raps" him on his
bald head. Instantly, there was on the part of Johnny a sudden start-up,
and between him and the worthy beadle a hot, underbreath bandying of
words.
Silence restored, the reverend gentleman proceeded with his sermon as
if nothing unusual had occurred. After sermon, Andra met the minister in
the vestry, who at once made inquiry as to the "words" he had had with
Johnny in the gallery. But the beadle was reticent and uncommunicative
on the matter, and would not be questioned at the reception the joiner
had given his salutary summons.
"Well, Andra," at length said the reverend gentleman, "I'll tell ye
what, we must not be beaten in this matter; if the loon sleeps next
Sunday during sermon, just you gang up and rap him back to reason. It's
a knock wi' some _force_ in't the chiel wants, mind that, and spare
not."
"Deed no, sir" was the beadle's canny reply. "I'll no' disturb him,
sleepin' or waukin', for some time to come. He threatens to knock
pew-Bibles and hymn-books oot o' me, if I again daur to 'rap' him atween
this and Martinmas. If Johnny's to be kept frae sleepin', minister, ye
maun _just pit the force into yer sermon_."
=Using Their Senses=
The following story is told by one of the officers engaged in taking a
census: One afternoon, I called up at Whinny Knowes, to get their
schedule; and Mrs. Cameron invited me to stay to tea, telling me what a
day they had had at "Whins" with the census paper.
"'First of all,' said she, 'the master there'--pointing to her
husband--'said seriously that every one must tell their ages, whether
they were married or not, and whether they intended to be married, and
the age and occupation of their sweethearts--in fact, that every
particular was to be mentioned. Now, Mr. M'Lauchlin, our two servant
lasses are real nice girls; but save me! what a fluster this census
paper has put them in. Janet has been ten years with us, and is a most
superior woman, with good sense; but at this time she is the most
distressed of the two. After family worship last night, she said she
would like a word o' the master himsel'.'
"'All right,' says John, with a slight twinkle in his eye.
"'When they were by themselves, Janet stood with her Bible in her hand,
and her eyes fixed on the point of her shoe. 'Sir,' said she, 'I was
three-an'-thirty last birthday, though my neighbor Mary thinks I'm only
eight-an'-twenty. And as for Alexander'--this was the miller, Janet's
reputed sweetheart--'he's never asked my age exactly; and so, if it's
all the same, I would like you just to keep your thumb upon that. And
then, as to whether he's to marry me or not, that depends on whether the
factor gives him another lease of the mill. He says he'll take me at
Martinmas coming if he gets the lease; but at the farthest, next
Martinmas, whether or no.'
"'Janet,' said my husband, 'you have stated the matter fairly; there is
nothing more required.'
"And John, there," continued Mrs. Cameron, "has made good use of Janet's
census return. This very forenoon Lady Menzies called to see us, as she
often does. Said John to her ladyship, says he: 'He's a very good
fellow, Alexander Christie, the miller--a superior man. I'm sorry we are
like to lose him for a neighbor.'
"'I never heard of that,' said her ladyship. 'He is a steady, honest
man, and a good miller, I believe. I should be sorry to lose him on the
estate. What is the cause of this?'
"'Oh,' replied my husband, 'it seems the factor is not very willing to
have a new lease of the mill without one being built. Your ladyship,'
added John, 'can see what Alexander is after.'
"'Oh, yes, I understand,' said she, laughing. 'I will try and keep the
miller'; and off she set without another word. Down the burnside she
goes, and meets Alexander, with a bag of corn on his back, at the
mill-door. When he had set it down, and was wiping the perspiration off
his brow with the back of his hand, Lady Menzies said: 'You are busy
to-day, miller.'
"'Yes, my lady,' said he; 'this is a busy time.'
"'I wonder,' said her ladyship, coming to the point at once, 'that a
fine young fellow like you does not settle down now and take a wife, and
let me have the pleasure of seeing you as a tenant always with us.'
"'You wouldn't, my lady,' said the miller, 'have me bring a bird before
I had a cage to put it in. The factor grudges to build me a house;
therefore, I fear I must remove.'
"'Well, Christie,' said her ladyship with great glee, 'you'll look out
for the bird, and leave it to me to find the cage.'
"'It's a bargain, my lady,' said Alexander. 'My father and my
grandfather were millers here for many a long year before me; and to
tell the truth, I was reluctant to leave the old place.'
"In the course of the forenoon, the miller made an errand up the burn to
the 'Whins,' for some empty bags; and as we had already got an inkling
of what had passed between him and Lady Menzies, I sent Janet to the
barn to help him look them out. When Janet returned, I saw she was a
little flurried, and looked as if there was something she wished to say.
In a little while--'Ma'am,' says she to me, 'I'm no' to stop after
Martinmas.'
"'No, Janet?' says I. 'I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure I've no fault to
find with you, and you have been a long time with us.'
"'I'm not going far away,' said Janet, with some pride; 'the bairns will
aye get a handful of groats when they come to see us!'
"So you see, Mr. M'Lauchlin, what a change this census paper of yours
has brought about."
"Ay, ay, good wife," said Whinny Knowes, laughing; "Although you have
lost a good servant, you must admit that I've managed to keep the
miller."
=Qualifications for a Chief=
When Glengarry claimed the chieftainship of the Macdonald clan, the
generally acknowledged chief wrote to him as follows: "My dear
Glengarry: As soon as you can prove yourself my chief I shall be ready
to acknowledge you. In the meantime, I am, _Yours_, Macdonald."
=A Beadle Magnifying His Office=
The story of Watty Tinlin, the half-crazy beadle of Hawick parish,
illustrates the license which was, on certain occasions, supposed to be
due to his office. One day Wat got so tired of listening to the long
sermon of a strange minister, that he went outside the church, and
wandering in the direction of the river Teviot, saw the worshipers from
the adjoining parish of Wilton crossing the bridge on their way home.
Returning to the church and finding the preacher still thundering away,
he shouted out, to the astonishment and relief of the exhausted
congregation: "Say, amen, sir; say amen! Wulton's kirk's comin ower
Teviot Brig!"
=No Wonder!=
The Lord Provost of a certain well-known city in the north had a
daughter married to a gentleman of the name of Baird; and speaking of
names of several friends, he happened to remark: "My grandmother was a
Huisband, and my mother a Man," these having been the maiden names of
the ladies.
"Why, in that case," said the celebrated Dr. Gregory, who happened to be
present, "we may the less wonder at your daughter having got a Baird."
=Virtuous Necessity=
Robbie Fairgrieve was sexton as well as kirk-beadle in a Roxburghshire
parish, and despite the solemn duties attaching to his vocation, was on
the whole a genial man, about equally fond of a joke and a good dram. In
fact, Robbie was affected with a chronic "spark in his throat" which was
ill to quench, and was, indeed, never fairly extinguished during the
fifty years he officiated as kirk-beadle and sexton. One day, the
minister of the parish met Robbie coming home from a visit to Jedburgh
fair much sooner than was expected, he (Robbie) having found the fair
painfully _dry_, in the sense of an unprecedented absence of friendly
drams. Curious to know the cause of the beadle's quick return, the
minister inquired as to the reason of such correct conduct, since most
of his fellow-parishioners would likely stay out the fair.
"Oh, sir," said Robbie, "huz yins (us ones) wha are 'sponsible
kirk-officers" (alluding to the minister and himself), "should aye
strive to be guid ensamples to the riff-raff o' the flock."
=Strangers--"Unawares"--Not always Angels=
Dr. Ferguson's first residence in Peebleshire was at Neidpath Castle,
which was then just about to fall into its present half-ruinous state.
On settling there, he told his family that it was his desire that any
respectable people in the neighborhood who called should be received
with the utmost civility, so that they might remain on pleasant terms
with all around. Ere many days had elapsed, a neatly-dressed,
gentleman-like little man was shown into Dr. Ferguson's own room, and
entered easily into miscellaneous conversation. The bell for their early
family-dinner ringing at the time, the courteous professor invited his
visitor to join the family in the dining-room, which he readily
consented to do. The family, remembering their father's injunction, of
course received the unknown with all possible distinction, and a very
lively conversation ensued. Dr. Ferguson, however, expressed his concern
to see that his guest was eating very little--indeed, only making an
appearance of eating--and he confessed his regret that he had so little
variety of fare to offer him.
"Oh, doctor," said the stranger, "never mind me: the fact is, on
_killing days_ I scarcely ever have any appetite."
Not small was the surprise, but much greater the amusement of the
family, on discovering that he of the stingy appetite was Robert Smith,
the Peebles butcher, and that the object of his visit was merely to
bespeak Dr. Ferguson's custom!
="Reflections"=
A young preacher was holding forth to a country congregation, with
rather more show than substance; after discussing certain heads in his
way, he informed his audience that he would conclude with a few
reflections.
An old man, who seemed not greatly gratified, gave a significant shrug
of his shoulders, and said in a low tone of voice, "Ye needna fash.
There'll be plenty o' reflections I'se warn ye, though ye dinna mak' ony
yersel'."
=An Observant Husband=
Willie Turnbull and his wife used to sup their evening meal of brose out
of one "cog," but the gudewife generally took care to place the lump of
butter at one side of the dish, which she carefully turned to her own
side of the table. One night, however, Mrs. Turnbull inadvertently
turned the "fat side" from her, and did not discover her error till she
was about to dip in her spoon. She could not, without exposing her
selfishness, actually turn the bowl round before her husband, but the
butter she must have, and in order to obtain it she resorted to
artifice.
"Willie," said she, as if seized with a sudden inspiration, "isn't this
a queer world? I'm tell't that it just turns round and round about, as I
micht take this bowl and turn it round this way," and she prepared to
suit the action to the word.
Willie, however, saw this at a glance, and promptly stopped the
practical illustration, saying, "Ay, ay, Maggie, the world's queer
enough, but you just let it stand still e'enow, and the brose bowl,
too!"
="Bulls" in Scotland=
Two operatives in one of the Border towns were heard disputing about a
new cemetery, beside the elegant railing of which they were standing.
One of them, evidently disliking the continental fashion in which it was
being laid out, said in disgust, "I'd rather dee than be buried in sic a
place!"
"Weel, it's the verra reverse wi' me," said the other, "for I'll be
buried naewhere else if I'm spared."
="Brothers" in Law=
A countryman, going into the Court of Session, took notice of two
advocates at the bar, who, being engaged on opposite sides of the case
in hand, wrangled with and contradicted each other severely, each
frequently, however, styling his opponent "brother." The countryman
observed to a bystander that there did not seem to be much brotherly
love between them.
"Oh," said he, "they're only brothers _in law_."
"I suppose they'll be married on twa sisters, then," replied he; "and I
think it's just the auld story ower again--freen's 'gree best separate."
=A Family Likeness=
Some soldiers, quartered in a country village, when they met at the
roll-call were asking one another what kind of quarters they had got;
one of them said he had very good quarters, but the strangest landlady
ever he saw--she always took him off. A comrade said he would go along
with him and would take her off. He went and offered to shake hands with
her, saying, "How are you, Elspa?"
"Indeed, sir," said she, "ye hae the better o' me; I dinna ken ye."
"Dear me, Elspa," replied the soldier, "d'ye no ken me? I'm the devil's
sister's son."
"Dear, save us!" quoth the old wife, looking him broadly in the face;
"'od man, but ye're like your uncle!"
="Unco' Modest"=
A Scottish witness in the House of Lords once gave in a rather
dictatorial style his notions as to the failings in the character of
Irishmen and Englishmen.
He was allowed to say his say, and when out of breath Lord Lucan asked
him to oblige the committee with his ideas relative to Scotch character.
"Aweel, my laird, they're just on the contrary, unco' modest and"--the
rest of the sentence was drowned in uproarious merriment.
=Objecting to "Regeneration"=
"What is the meaning of 'regeneration,' Tommy?" asked a teacher in the
north, of one of the most promising pupils.
"It means 'to be born again,' sir," was the answer.
"Quite right, quite right, my man. Would you like to be born again,
Tommy?" said the examiner.
"No, sir, I wadna;" replied the heretical youth, boldly.
"Indeed, laddie, and wha for no'?" inquired the astounded preceptor.
"Because, sir," answered Tommy, "I'm fear'd I might be born a lassie."
=Reasons For and Against Organs in Kirk=
At a certain gathering of Presbyterian clergymen one of them urged that
organs should be introduced in order to draw more young people to the
church; upon which an old minister remarked that this was acting on the
principle of "O whistle, an' I'll come to ye, my lad!"
=Too Much Light and Too Little=
A parish minister in Stirlingshire, noted for his parsimonious habits,
had his glebe land wholly cropped with corn upon one occasion. After the
ingatherings of harvest, news reached him that a considerable fall in
prices was expected, and he ordered his serviceable "man," John, to get
the corn threshed and taken to market with all possible speed. Now the
beadle, having a well-founded hatred for his master's greed, set about
his work in his ordinary style--a slow, if sure, process. John's style,
however, did not on this occasion please the minister, who ordered him
to get through with the task, even though he should get it done by
candle-light.
"Weel, weel," said the beadle; "say nae mair aboot it; it'll be done,
sir, e'en as ye desire."
Next day the minister, hearing the sound of the flail, entered the barn
to see what progress was being made with the work, when, to his
astonishment and anger, he found his beadle "flailing" away with might
and main, and a candle burning brightly on each side of the
threshing-floor.
"What's this I see? What's the meaning of this?" demanded his master.
"Candles burning in broad daylight!"
"Oh, contain yersel', sir--contain yersel'," replied John with provoking
coolness. "I'm daein' nae mair than ye bade me, for I'm daein' the job
baith by day-licht and by can'le-licht."
The beadle, after being severely lectured on his extravagant conduct,
was ordered to take the candles to the kitchen, and henceforth and at
all times he was to be deprived of their use.
One night shortly after, a message came to the minister that one of his
parishioners, who lived at a distance, was supposed to be dying, and was
anxious to see him. John was dispatched to saddle the horse; and his
master set about equipping himself for the journey. He then stepped
across to where John was waiting with the animal, and seizing the reins,
was about to mount, when suddenly, seeing a pair of horns on the crest
of the steed, he shouted: "What in all the earth is this you have done,
John?"
The beadle, comically peering in the darkness at the creature,
exclaimed: "I declare, sir, if I hav'na saddled the coo instead o' the
horse, for the want o' can'le-licht!"
=A Reproof Cleverly Diverted=
The punctuality which reigned over the domestic regulations of Dr.
Chalmers was sometimes not a little inconvenient to his guests.
His aunt, while living in the house, appearing one morning too late for
breakfast, and well knowing what awaited her if she did not "take the
first word o' flyting," thus diverted the expected storm.
"Oh! Mr. Chalmers," she exclaimed, as she entered the room, "I had such
a strange dream last night; I dreamt that you were dead. And I dreamt,"
she continued, "that the funeral cards were written; and the day came,
and the folk came, and the hour came; but what do you think happened?
Why, the clock had scarce done chapping twelve, which was the hour named
in the cards, when a loud knocking was heard in the coffin, and a voice,
gey peremptory and ill-pleased like, came out of it, saying, 'Twelve's
chappit, and ye're no liftin'!'"
The doctor was too fond of a joke not to relish this one; and, in the
hearty laugh which followed, the ingenious culprit escaped. [22]
=A Scotch "Squire"=
"What name, sir?" said a booking clerk at a coach office in Paisley, to
a person who was applying for a seat in the Glasgow coach.
"What hae ye to dae wi' my name, gin I gie ye the siller?" replied the
applicant.
"I require it for the way-bill; and unless you give it, you can't have a
place in the coach," said the clerk.
"Oh! gin that be the case, I suppose ye maun hae't. Weel, then, my
name's John Tamson o' Butter Braes, an' ye may put 'Esquire' till't, gin
ye like; at least, I live on my ain farm."
=Peter Peebles' Prejudice=
"Ow, he is just a weed harum-scarum creature, that wad never take his
studies; daft, sir, clean daft."
"Deft!" said the justice; "what d'ye mean by deft--eh?"
"Just Fifish," replied Peter; "wowf--a wee bit by the East--Nook, or
sae; it's common case--the ae half of the warld thinks the tither daft.
I have met folk in my day that thought I was daft mysell; and, for my
part, I think our Court of Session clean daft, that have had the great
cause of Peebles against Plainstanes before them for this score of
years, and have never been able to ding the bottom of it yet." [20]
=English versus Scotch Sheep's Heads=
A Scottish family, having removed to London, wished to have a sheep's
head prepared as they had been accustomed to have it at home, and sent
the servant to procure one.
"My gude man," said the girl, "I want a sheep's head."
"There's plenty of them," replied the knight of the knife, "choose one
for yourself."
"Na, na," said she, "I want ane that will sing (singe)."
"Go, you stupid girl," said he, "whoever heard of a sheep's head that
could sing?"
"Why," said the girl in wrath, "it's ye that's stupid; for a' the
sheep's heads in Scotland can sing; but I jalouse your English sheep
are just as grit fules as their owners, and can do naething as they
ocht."
=Seeking, not Help, but Information--and Getting It=
The landlord of the hotel at the foot of Ben Nevis tells a story of an
Englishman stumbling into a bog between the mountain and the inn, and
sinking up to his armpits. In danger of his life he called out to a tall
Highlander who was passing by, "How can I get out of this?" to which the
Scotchman replied, "I dinna think ye can," and coolly walked on.
=Compulsory Education and a Father's Remedy=
One of the members of a Scottish School Board was recently discussing
the question of compulsory education with a worthy elector, who
addressed him as follows: "An' that's gospel, is't, that ye're gaun to
eddicatt my bairns whuther I will or no?"
The member proceeded to explain.
"Weel, I'll just tell ye. Ye say they're to be eddicatt; I say they're
no' an' they sanna. I'll droon them first!"
="No Lord's Day!"=
In a certain district in the Highlands, the bell-man one day made the
following proclamation: "O yes, O yes, and O yes; and that's three
times! You'll all pe tak' notice, that there will pe no Lord's day here
next Sabbath, pecause the laird's wife wants the kirk to dry her clothes
in!"
=Dead Shot=
An ironmonger who kept a shop in the High Street of Edinburgh, and sold
gunpowder and shot, when asked by any ignorant person in what respect
"patent" shot--a new article at that time--surpassed the old kind, "Oh,
sir," he would answer, "it shoots deader."
=Quid Pro Quo=
An old Scottish beggar, with bonnet in hand, appealed to a clergyman for
"a bit of charity." The minister put a piece of silver into his hand.
"Thank ye, sir; oh, thank ye! I'll gie ye an afternoon's hearing for
this ane o' these days."
=The Scottish Credit System=
An intimation hung in a warehouse in Glasgow was to this effect: "No
credit given here, except to those who pay money down."
=Scotch "Paddy"=
"Noo, my gude bairns," said a schoolmaster to his class "there's just
another instance o' the uncertainty o' human life; ane o' your ane
schulemates--a fine wee bit lassie--went to her bed hale and weel at
night and rose a corpse in the morning."
=The Importance of Quantity in Scholarship=
Charles Erskine was, at the age of twenty, a teacher of Latin in
Edinburgh University. On one occasion, after his elevation to the bench,
a young lawyer in arguing a case before him used a false Latin quantity,
whereupon his lordship said, with a good-natured smile, "Are you sure,
sir, you are correct in your _quantity_ there?"
The young counsel nettled at the query, retorted petulantly, "My lord, I
never was a schoolmaster."
"No," answered the judge, "nor, I think, a scholar either."
=Capital Punishment=
Andrew Leslie, an old Scotchman, always rode a donkey to his work and
tethered him, while he labored, on the road, or wherever else he might
be. It was suggested to him by a neighboring gentleman that he was
suspected of putting him in to feed in the fields at other people's
expense.
"Eh, laird, I could never be tempted to do that, for my cuddy winna eat
anything but nettles and thistles."
One day, however, the same gentleman was riding along the road when he
saw Andrew Leslie at work, and his donkey up to his knees in one of his
own clover fields feeding luxuriously.
"Hollo! Andrew," said he, "I thought you told me your cuddy would eat
nothing but nettles and thistles."
"Ay," was the reply, "but he misbehaved the day; he nearly kicked me
ower his head, sae I put him in there just to punish him!"
="Plucked!"=
Scotch parish schoolmasters are, on their appointment, examined as to
their literary qualifications. One of the fraternity being called by his
examiner to translate Horace's ode beginning, "Exegi monumentum ære
perennius," commenced as follows: "Exegi monumentum--I have eaten a
mountain."
"Ah," said one of the examiners, "ye needna proceed any further; for
after eatin' sic a dinner, this parish wad be a puir mouthfu' t' ye. Ye
maun try some wider sphere."
=An Instance of Scott's Pleasantry=
Sir Walter Scott was never wanting in something pleasant to say, even on
the most trivial occasions. Calling one day at Huntly Burn, soon after
the settlement of his friend in that house, and observing a fine
honeysuckle in full blossom over the door, he congratulated Miss
Ferguson on its appearance. She remarked that it was the kind called
trumpet honeysuckle, from the form of the flower. "Weel," said Scott,
"ye'll never come out o' your ain door without a flourish o' trumpets."
=Turning His Father's Weakness to Account=
Many good stories are told of old Dr. Lawson, a Presbyterian minister in
Scotland, who was so absent-minded that he sometimes was quite
insensible of the world around him. One of his sons, who afterwards
became a highly esteemed Christian minister, was a very tricky boy,
perhaps mischievous in his tricks.
Near the manse lived an old woman, of crabbed temper, and rather ungodly
in her mode of living. She and the boy had quarreled, and the result was
that he took a quiet opportunity to kill one of her hens. She went
immediately to Dr. Lawson and charged his son with the deed. She was
believed; and, as it was not denied, punishment was inflicted. He was
ordered to abide in the house; and to make the sentence more severe his
father took him into the _study_, and commanded him to sit there with
him.
The son was restless, and frequently eyed the door. At last he saw his
father drowned in thought, and quietly slipped out. He went directly to
the old woman's and killed another hen, returning immediately and taking
his place in the library, his father having never missed him.
The old woman speedily made her appearance, and charged the slaughter
again upon him.
Dr. Lawson, however, waxed angry--declared her to be a false accuser, as
the boy had been closeted with him all the time--adding: "Besides, this
convinces me that you had just as little ground for your last
accusation; I therefore acquit him of both, and he may go out now."
The woman went off in high dudgeon, and the prisoner in high glee.
=Curious Idea of the Evidence for Truth=
Jean M'Gown had been telling a story to some friends who seemed inclined
to doubt the truth thereof, when Jean, turning round quite indignantly,
said, "It mon be true, for father read it out o' a _bound book_!"
=Dry Weather, and Its Effects on the Ocean=
The family of Mr. Torrance were about leaving the town of Strathaven,
for America. Tibby Torrance, an old maiden sister of Mr. Torrance's was
to accompany them.
Before they left, some of the neighbors were talking to Tibby of the
dangers of the "great deep," when she suddenly exclaimed, "Aweel, aweel,
it's been a gay dry summer, and I think the sea'll no' be very deep!"
=Laughing in the Pulpit--With Explanation=
A Scotch Presbyterian minister stopped one morning, in the middle of his
discourse, laughing out loud and long. After a while he composed his
face, and finished the service without any explanation of his
extraordinary conduct.
The elders, who had often been annoyed with his peculiarities, thought
this a fit occasion to remonstrate with him. They did so during the noon
intermission, and insisted upon the propriety of his making an
explanation in the afternoon. To this he readily assented; and after the
people were again assembled, and while he was standing, book in hand,
ready to begin the service, he said:
"Brethren, I laughed in midst of the service this mornin', and the gude
eldership came and talked wi' me aboot it, and I towld them I would make
an apology to you at once, and that I am now aboot to do. As I was
preaching to you this mornin', I saw the deil come in that door wi' a
long parchment in his hand, as long as my arm; and as he came up that
side he tuk down the names of all that were asleep, an' then he went
down the ither side, and got only twa seats down, and by that time the
parchment was full. The deil looked along down the aisle, and saw a
whole row of sleepers, and no room for their names; so he stretched it
till it tore; and he laughed, and I couldn't help it but laugh, too--and
that's my apology. Sing the Fiftieth Psalm."
=A Good Judge of Accent=
A Canadian bishop, well known for his broad Scotch accent as well as his
belief that it was not perceptible, was called upon by a brother Scot
one day, whom he had not seen for several years. Among other questions
asked of him by the bishop was, "How long have you been in Canada?"
"About sax years," was the reply.
"Hoot, mon," says the bishop, "why hae ye na lost your accent, like
mysel'?"
="Haudin' His Stick"=
On my first visit to Edinburgh, having heard a great deal of the
oratorical powers of some of the members of the General Assembly, I was
anxious to hear and judge for myself. I accordingly paid an early visit
to it. Seated next me I saw an elderly, hard-featured, sober-looking
man, leaning with both hands on a stick and eyeing the stick with great
earnestness, scarcely even moving his eyes to right or left.
My attention was soon directed to the speaker above me, who had opened
the discourse of the day. The fervidness of his eloquence, his great
command of language, and the strangeness of his manner excited my
attention in an unusual degree. I wished to know who he was, and applied
to my neighbor, the sober-looking, hard-featured man.
"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is speaking now?"
The man turned on me a defiant and contemptuous look for my ignorance,
and answered, looking reverently at the cane on which his hands were
imposed: "Sir, that's the great Docther Chawmers, and I'm haudin' his
stick!" [16]
=Indiscriminate Humor=
The late Archibald Constable, the well-known Edinburgh publisher, was
somewhat remarkable in his day for the caustic severity of his speech,
which, however, was only a thin covering to a most amiable, if somewhat
overbearing, disposition.
On one occasion a partner of the London publishing house of Longman,
Hurst, Rees, Orme & Brown was dining with Mr. C----, at his country seat
near the beautiful village of Lasswade. Looking out of the window, the
Londoner remarked, "What a pretty lake, and what beautiful swans!"
"Lake, mon, and swans!--it's nae a lake, it's only a pond; and they're
naething but geese. You'll maybe noteece that they are just five of
them; and Baldy, that ne'er-do-weel bairn there, caws them Longman,
Hurst, Rees, Orme and Brown!"
Sir Walter Scott, in telling the story, was wont to add: "That skit cost
the 'crafty' many a guinea, for the cockney was deeply offended, as well
he might be, not knowing the innocent intent with which his Scotch
friend made such speeches."
=Scotch Undergraduates and Funerals=
The reported determination of a Scottish professor not to allow the
students of his class more than one funeral in each family this session
sounds like a grim joke; but it is fair to note that this gentleman, who
has presumptively some experience of the ways of undergraduates, was
lately reported to have come to the conclusion that the very high rate
of mortality of late among the relatives of members of his class has
been "artificially produced." Dark reminders of the hero of "Ruddigore,"
who was bound by the decrees of fate to commit one crime a day, have
been heard in connection with this mysterious reference; but the
_University Correspondent_ has thrown a little light on the subject. The
suggestion is that the northern undergraduate--not unlike his English
brother--when he is feeling a little bored by his surroundings at the
university, has a habit of producing a sad telegram informing him of the
demise of a maiden aunt or second-cousin who never existed. [17]
=Honest Johnny M'Cree=
In one of his speeches Sheridan says: I remember a story told respecting
Mr. Garrick, who was once applied to by an eccentric Scotchman to
introduce a work of his on the stage. This Scotchman was such a
good-humored fellow, that he was called "honest Johnny M'Cree."
Johnny wrote four acts of a tragedy which he showed to Mr. Garrick, who
dissuaded him from finishing it, telling him that his talent did not lie
that way; so Johnny abandoned the tragedy, and set about writing a
comedy. When this was finished he showed it to Mr. Garrick, who found it
to be still more exceptionable than the tragedy, and of course could not
be persuaded to bring it forward on the stage.
This surprised poor Johnny, and he remonstrated. "Nay, now, David," said
Johnny, "did you not tell me that my talents did not lie in tragedy?"
"Yes," said Garrick, "but I did not tell you that they lay in comedy."
"Then," exclaimed Johnny, "gin they dinna lie there, where the deil
dittha lie, mon?"
=Heaven Before it was Wanted=
A Scotch newspaper relates that a beggar wife, on receiving a gratuity
from the Rev. John Skinner, of Langside, author of "Tullochgorum," said
to him by way of thanks, "Oh, sir, I houp that ye and a' your family
will be in heaven the nicht."
"Well," said Skinner, "I am very much obliged to you; only you need not
have just been so particular as to the time."
=Curious Delusion Concerning Light=
A hard-headed Scotchman, a first-rate sailor and navigator, he, like
many other people, had his craze, which consisted in looking down with
lofty contempt upon such deluded mortals as supposed that light was
derived from the sun! Yet he gazed on that luminary day after day as he
took its meridian altitude and was obliged to temper his vision with the
usual piece of dark-colored glass.
"How," I asked him, "do you account for light if it is not derived from
the sun?"
"Weel," he said, "it comes from the eer; but you will be knowing all
about it some day."
He was of a taciturn nature, but of the few remarks which he did make
the usual one was, "Weel, and so yer think that light comes from the
sun, do yer? Weel! ha, ha!" and he would turn away with a contemptuous
chuckle. [18]
=Less Sense than a Sheep=
Lord Cockburn, the proprietor of Bonally, was sitting on a hillside with
a shepherd; and observing the sheep reposing in the coolest situation he
observed to him, "John, if I were a sheep, I would lie on the other side
of the hill." The shepherd answered, "Ay, my lord, but if ye had been a
sheep, ye would hae mair sense."
=Consoled by a Relative's Lameness=
For authenticity of one remark made by the Rev. Walter Dunlop I can
readily vouch. Some time previous to the death of his wife Mr. Dunlop
had quarreled with that lady's brother--a gentleman who had the
misfortune to lose a leg, and propelled himself by means of a stick
substitute.
When engaged with two of the deacons of his church, considering the
names of those to whom "bids" to the funeral should be sent, one
observed, "Mr. Dunlop, ye maun send ane to Mr. ----" naming the
obnoxious relative.
"Ou, ay," returned the minister, striving that his sense of duty should
overcome his reluctance to the proposal. "Ye can send _him_ ane." Then
immediately added, with much gravity, and in a tone that told the vast
relief which the reflection afforded, "He'll no be able to come up the
stairs." [4]
=Curious Sentence=
Some years ago the celebrated Edward Irving had been lecturing at
Dumfries, and a man who passed as a wag in that locality had been to
hear him.
He met Watty Dunlop the following day, who said, "Weel, Willie, man, an'
what do ye think of Mr. Irving?"
"Oh," said Willie contemptuously, "the man's crack't."
Dunlop patted him on the shoulder, with a quiet remark, "Willie, ye'll
aften see a light peeping through a crack!" [7]
=Too Canny to Admit Anything Particular=
An elder of the parish kirk of Montrose was suspected of illegal
practices, and the magistrates being loth to prosecute him, privately
requested the minister to warn the man that his evil doings were known,
and that if he did not desist he would be punished and disgraced. The
minister accordingly paid the elder a visit, but could extort neither
confession nor promise of amendment from the delinquent.
"Well, Sandy," said the minister, as he rose to retire from his
fruitless mission, "you seem to think your sins cannot be proved before
an earthly tribunal, but you may be assured that they will all come out
in the day of judgment."
"Verra true, sir," replied the elder, calmly. "An' it is to be hoped for
the credit of the kirk that neither yours nor mine come oot afore then."
=Mortifying Unanimity=
I said, to one who picked me up,
Just slipping from a rock,
"I'm not much good at climbing, eh?"
"No, sirr, ye arrrn't," quoth Jock.
I showed him then a sketch I'd made,
Of rough hill-side and lock;
"I'm not an artist, mind," I said;
"No, sirr, ye arrrn't," quoth Jock.
A poem, next, I read aloud--
One of my num'rous stock;
"I'm no great poet," I remarked;
"No, sirr, ye arrrn't," said Jock.
Alas! I fear I well deserved
(Although it proved a shock),
In answer to each modest sham,
That plain retort from Jock.
=A Consoling "If"=
Bannockburn is always the set-off to Flodden in popular estimation, and
without it Flodden would be a sore subject.
"So you are going to England to practice surgery," said a Scottish
lawyer to a client, who had been a cow-doctor; "but have you skill
enough for your new profession!"
"Hoots! ay! plenty o' skill!"
"But are you not afraid ye may sometimes kill your patients, if you do
not study medicine for awhile as your proper profession?"
"Nae fear! and if I do kill a few o' the Southrons, it will take a great
deal of killing to mak' up for Flodden!"
=Happy Escape from an Angry Mob=
The most famous surgeon in Edinburgh, towards the close of the last
(the eighteenth) century, was certainly Mr. Alexander Wood, Member of
the Incorporation of Chirurgeons, or what is now called the Royal
College of Surgeons. In these days he was known by no other name than
Lang Sandy Wood (or "Wud," as it was pronounced). He deserves to be
remembered as the last man in Edinburgh who wore a cocked hat and sword
as part of his ordinary dress, and the first who was known to carry an
umbrella.
It is generally supposed that he was induced to discontinue the wearing
of the sword and cocked hat by an unfortunate accident which very nearly
happened to him about 1792. At that time the then lord provost, or
chief magistrate of the city, a Mr. Stirling, was very unpopular with
the lower orders of society, and one dark night, as Sandy was
proceeding over the North Bridge on some errand of mercy, he was
met by an infuriated mob on their way from the "closes" of the old
town to burn the provost's house in revenge for some wrong--real or
imaginary--supposed to be inflicted by that functionary. Catching sight
of an old gentleman in a cocked hat and sword, they instantly concluded
that this must be the provost--these two articles of dress being then
part of the official attire of the Edinburgh chief magistrate. Then
arose the cry of "Throw him over the bridge"--a suggestion no sooner
made than it was attempted to be carried into execution.
The tall old surgeon was in mortal terror, and had barely time to gasp
out, just as he was carried to the parapet of the bridge, "Gude folk,
I'm no' the provost. Carry me to a lamp post an' ye'll see I'm Lang
Sandy Wood!"
With considerable doubt whether or not the obnoxious magistrate was not
trying to save his life by trading on the popularity of Sandy, they
carried him to one of the dim oil-lamps, with which the city was then
lit, and after scanning his face closely, satisfied themselves of the
truth of their victim's assertion. Then came a revulsion of feeling, and
amid shouts of applause the popular surgeon was carried to his residence
on the shoulders of the mob.
=The End Justifying the Means=
Sandy Wood had the most eccentric ways of curing people. One of his
patients, the Hon. Mrs. ----, took it into her head that she was a hen,
and that her mission in life was to hatch eggs. So firmly did this
delusion take possession of her mind that, by-and-bye she found it
impossible to rise off her seat, lest the eggs should get cold. Sandy
encouraged the mania, and requested that he might have the pleasure of
taking a "dish of tea" with her that evening, and that she would have
the very best china on the table.
She cordially agreed to this, and when her guest arrived in the evening
he found the tea-table covered with some very valuable crockery, which
did not belie its name, for it had really been imported from China by a
relative of the lady, an East Indian Nabob.
The surgeon made a few remarks about the closeness of the room, asked
permission to raise the window, and then, watching an opportunity when
the hostess' eye was upon him, he seized the trayful of fragile ware and
feigned to throw them out of the window.
The lady screamed, and, forgetful in her fright of her supposed
inability to rise, she rushed from her seat to arrest the arm of the
vandal.
The task was not a hard one, for the eccentric old surgeon laughed as he
replaced the tray on the table, and escorted his patient to her seat.
The spell had been broken, and nothing more was ever heard of the
egg-hatching mania.
* * * * *
Another lady patient of his had a tumor in her throat, which threatened
her death if it did not burst. She entirely lost her voice, and all his
efforts to reach the seat of the malady were unavailing. As a last
resort, he quietly placed the poker in the fire; and after in vain
attempting to get his patient to scream, so as to burst the tumor, he
asked her to open her mouth, and seizing the then red-hot poker, he made
a rush with it to her throat. The result was a yell of terror from the
thoroughly frightened patient, which effected what he had long
desired--the breaking of the tumor, and her recovery.
=A Lecture on Baldness--Curious Results=
Edinburgh laughed heartily, but was not at all scandalized, when one
famous university professor kicked another famous professor in the same
faculty, down before him from near the North Bridge to where the
Register House now stands. The _casus belli_ was simple, but, as
reported, most irritating.
The offending professor was lecturing to his class one morning, and
happened to say that baldness was no sign of age. "In fact, gentlemen,"
said the suave professor, "it's no sign at all, nor the converse. I was
called in very early yesterday morning to see the wife of a
distinguished colleague, a lady whose raven locks have long been the
pride of rout and ball. It was in the morning, and I caught the lady in
deshabille, and would you believe it, the raven locks were all fudge,
and the lady was as bald as the palm of my hand."
The professor said nothing more, but no sooner was his lecture ended
than the students casually inquired of the coachman whom the professor
was called to see yesterday morning. The coachman, innocently enough,
answered, "Oh, Mrs. Prof. ----."
This was enough, and so before four-and-twenty hours went round, the
story came to Prof. A---- that Prof. B---- had said, in his class, that
Mrs. Prof. A---- wore a wig. For two days they did not meet, and when
they did, the offender was punished in the ignominious manner described.
=A Miserly Professor=
An Edinburgh professor was noted for his miserly habits, though, in
reality, he was a rich man and the proprietor of several ancestral
estates. He once observed a Highland student--proverbially a poor
set--about to pick up a penny in the college quad, but just as he was
about to pick it up, the learned professor gave him a push, which sent
the poor fellow right over, when Dr. ---- cooly pocketed the coin and
walked on, amid the laughter of a crowd of students who were watching
the scene. He did not always stick at trifles. Going down the crowded
street he saw a street boy pick up a shilling. Instantly the professor
chucked it out of the boy's hand, and then, holding it between his thumb
and forefinger, with his gold-headed cane in the other, carefully
guarding it, he read out to the whimpering boy a long lecture on honesty
being the best policy; how the "coin" was not his; how it might belong
to some poor man whose family might be suffering for the want of that
coin, and so on, concluding by pocketing the shilling, and charging the
finder that "if ever he heard of anybody having lost that shilling, to
say that Prof. ---- had got it. Everybody knows me. It is quite safe.
Honesty, my lad, is always the best policy. Remember that, and read your
catechism well."
* * * * *
On one occasion he was called, in consultation with Prof. Gregory, about
a patient of his who happened to be a student of medicine. The day
previously, however, Dr. Gregory had called alone, and on going away was
offered the customary guinea. This the stately physician firmly refused;
he never took fees from students. The patient replied that Prof. ----
did. Immediately Gregory's face brightened up. "I will be here to-morrow
in consultation with him. Be good enough to offer me a fee before him,
sir."
To-morrow came, and the student did as he had been requested.
"What is that, sir?" the professor answered, looking at his proffered
guinea: "A fee, sir! Do you mean to insult me, sir? What do you take us
to be--cannibals? Do we live on one another? No, sir. The man who could
take a fee from a student of his own profession ought to be
kicked--kicked, sir, out of the faculty! Good morning!" and with that
the celebrated physician walked to the door, in well-affected
displeasure. Next day, to the astonishment of the patient, Prof. ----
sent a packet with all the fees returned.
It is said that he once took a bag of potatoes for a fee, and ever after
boasted of his generosity in the matter: "The man was a poor man, sir.
We must be liberal, sir. Our Master enjoins it on us, and it is
recommended in a fine passage in the admirable aphorisms of Hippocrates.
The man had no money, sir, so I had to deal gently with him, and take
what he had; though as a rule--as a rule--I prefer the modern to the
ancient exchange, _pecunia_ instead of _pecus_. Hah! hah!"
=Silencing English Insolence=
"There never was a Scotchman" said an insolent cockney, at Stirling, to
a worthy Scot, who was acting as guide to the castle "who did not want
to get out of Scotland almost as soon as he got into it."
"That such may be the fack, I'll no' gainsay," replied the Scot. "There
were about twenty thousand o' your countrymen, and mair, who wanted to
get out of Scotland on the day of Bannockburn. But they could na' win.
And they're laying at Bannockburn the noo; and have never been able to
get out o' Scotland yet."
* * * * *
It was Johnson's humor to be anti-Scottish. He objected theoretically to
haggis, though he ate a good plateful of it.
"What do you think o' the haggis?" asked the hospitable old lady, at
whose table he was dining, seeing that he partook so plentifully of it.
"Humph!" he replied, with his mouth full, "it's very good food for
hogs!"
"Then let me help you to some mair o' 't," said the lady, helping him
bountifully.
=Helping Business=
Prof. James Gregory, perhaps the most celebrated physician of his day,
but who, in popular estimation, is dolefully remembered as the inventor
of a nauseous compound known as Gregory's Mixture. He was a tall and
very handsome man, and stately and grave in all his manners, but,
withal, with a touch of Scotch humor in him. One evening, walking home
from the university, he came upon a street row or bicker, a sort of
town-and-gown-riot very common in those days. Observing a boy
systematically engaged in breaking windows, he seized him, and inquired,
in the sternest voice, what he did that for.
"Oh," was the reply, "my master's a glazier, and I'm trying to help
business."
"Indeed. Very proper; very proper, my boy," Dr. Gregory answered, and,
as he proceeded to maul him well with his cane, "you see I must follow
your example. I'm a doctor, and must help business a little." And with
that, he gave a few finishing whacks to the witty youth, and went off
chuckling at having turned the tables on the glazier's apprentice.
=Sandy Wood's Proposal of Marriage=
When proposing to his future wife's father for his daughter, the old
gentleman took a pinch of snuff and said, "Weel, Sandy, lad, I've
naething again' ye, but what have ye to support a wife on?"
Sandy's reply was to pull a case of lancets out of his pocket with the
remark, "These!"
=Rival Anatomists in Edinburgh University=
Perhaps the most eminent teacher of anatomy in Edinburgh, or in Britain,
early in this century, was Dr. Robert Knox. He was a man abounding in
anything but the milk of human kindness towards his professional
brethren, and if people had cared in those days to go to law about
libels, it is to be feared Knox would have been rarely out of a court of
law. Personality and satirical allusions were ever at his tongue's end.
After attracting immense classes his career came very suddenly to a
close. Burke and Hare, who committed such atrocious murders to supply
the dissecting-room with "subjects" were finally discovered, and one of
them executed--the other turning king's evidence. Knox's name got mixed
up with the case, being supposed to be privy to these murders, though
many considered him innocent. The populace, however, were of a
different opinion. Knox's house was mobbed, and though he braved it out,
he never after succeeded in regaining popular esteem. He was a splendid
lecturer, and a man, who, amid all his self-conceit and malice, could
occasionally say a bitingly witty thing.
It is usual with lecturers at their opening lecture to recommend
text-books, and accordingly Knox would commence as follows: "Gentlemen,
there are no text-books I can recommend. I wrote one myself, but it is
poor stuff. I can't recommend it. The man who knows most about a subject
writes worst on it. If you want a good text-book on any subject,
recommend me to the man who knows nothing earthly about the subject. The
result is that we have no good text-book on anatomy. We _will_ have
soon, however--Prof. Monro is going to write one."
That was the finale, and, of course, brought down the house, when, with
a sinister expression on his face, partly due to long sarcasm, and
partly to the loss of an eye, he would bow himself out of the
lecture-room.
The Prof. Monro referred to by Knox was the professor of anatomy of
Edinburgh University, and the _third_ of that name who had filled the
chair for one hundred and twenty years. He succeeded his father and
grandfather, as if by right of birth--and if it was not by that right he
had no other claim to fill that chair.
Knox lectured at a different hour from Monro, namely, exactly five
minutes after the conclusion of the latter's lecture. Accordingly the
students tripped over from Monro to Knox, greatly to the annoyance, but
in no way to the loss of the former. It may well be supposed that during
their forced attendance on Monro's lectures they did not spend much time
in listening to what he had to say. In fact they used to amuse
themselves during the hour of his lecture, and always used to organize
some great field days during the session. So lazy was Monro that he was
in the habit of using his grandfather's lectures, written more than one
hundred years before. They were--as was the fashion then--written in
Latin, but his grandson gave a free translation as he proceeded,
without, however, taking the trouble to alter the dates. Accordingly, in
1820 or 1830, students used to be electrified to hear him slowly
drawling out, "When I was in Padua in 1694--" This was the signal for
the fun to begin. On the occasion when this famous speech was known to
be due, the room was always full, and no sooner was it uttered than
there descended showers of peas on the head of the devoted professor,
who, to the end of his life could never understand what it was all
about. [19]
="Discretion--the Better Part of Valor"=
A spirited ballad was written on the Jacobite victory at Prestonpans by
a doughty Haddingtonshire farmer of the name of Skirving, in which he
distributed his praise and blame among the combatants in the most
impartial manner. Among others, he accused one "Lieutenant Smith, of
Irish birth," of leaping over the head of "Major Bowie, that worthy
soul," when lying wounded on the ground, and escaping from the field,
instead of rendering the assistance for which the sufferer called.
Smith, being aggrieved, sent the author a challenge to meet him at
Haddington. "Na, na," said the worthy farmer, who was working in his
field when the hostile message reached him, "I have no time to gang to
Haddington, but tell Mr. Smith to come here, and I'll tak' a look at
him. If he's a man about my ain size, I'll ficht him; but if he's muckle
bigger and stronger, I'll do just as he did--I'll run awa'!"
=Losing His Senses=
A census taker tells the following story: The first difficulty I
experienced was with Old Ronaldson. He was always a little queer, as old
bachelors often are. As I left the census paper with him, he held the
door in one hand while he took the paper from me in the other. I said I
would call again for the paper. "Ye needn't trouble yourself!" said he,
in a very ill-natured tone; "I'll not be bothered with your papers."
However, I did not mind him much; for I thought when he discovered that
the paper had nothing to do with taxes he would feel more comfortable,
and that he would fill it up properly.
The only person whom Old Ronaldson allowed near him was Mrs. Birnie; she
used to put his house in order and arrange his washing: for Ronaldson
was an old soldier; and although he had a temper, he was perfect in his
dress and most orderly in all his household arrangements. When Mrs.
Birnie went in her usual way to his house on the morning referred to,
the old gentleman was up and dressed; but he was in a terrible temper,
flurried and greatly agitated.
"Good morning, sir," said Mrs. Birnie--I had the particular words from
her own lips--"Good morning," said she; but Old Ronaldson, who was as a
rule extremely polite to her, did not on this occasion reply. His
agitation increased. He fumbled in all his pockets; pulled out and in
all the drawers of his desk; turned the contents of an old chest out on
the floor--all the time accompanying his search with muttered
imprecations, which at length broke into a perfect storm.
Mrs. Birnie had often seen Mr. Ronaldson excited before, but she had
never seen him in such a state as this. At length he approached an old
bookcase and, after looking earnestly about and behind it, he suddenly
seized and pulled it toward him, when a lot of old papers fell on the
floor, and a perfect cloud of dust filled the room. Mrs. Birnie stood
dumbfounded. At length the old gentleman, covered with dust and
perspiring with his violent exertions, sat down on the corner of his
bed, and in a most wretched tone of voice said: "Oh, Mrs. Birnie, don't
be alarmed, but I've lost my _senses_!"
"I was just thinking as much myself," said Mrs. Birnie; and off she ran
to my house at the top of her speed. "Oh, Mr. M'Lauchlin," said she,
"come immediately--come this very minute; for Old Ronaldson's clean mad.
He's tearing his hair, and cursing in a manner most awful to hear; and
worse than that--he's begun to tear down the house about himself. Oh,
sir, come immediately, and get him put in a strait jacket."
Of course I at once sent for old Dr. Macnab, and asked him to fetch a
certificate for an insane person with him. Now, old Dr. Macnab is a
cautious and sensible man. His bald head and silvery hair, his beautiful
white neck-cloth and shiny black coat, not to speak of his silver-headed
cane and dignified manner, all combined to make our doctor an authority
in the parish.
"Ay, ay," said the good doctor, when he met me; "I always feared the
worst about Mr. Ronaldson. Not good for man to be alone, sir. I always
advised him to take a wife. Never would take my advice. You see the
result, Mr. M'Lauchlin. However, we must see the poor man."
When we arrived, we found all as Mrs. Birnie had said; indeed by this
time matters had become worse and worse, and a goodly number of the
neighbors were gathered. One old lady recommended that the barber should
be sent for to shave Ronaldson's head. This was the least necessary, as
his head, poor fellow, was already as bald and smooth as a ball of
ivory. Another kind neighbor had brought in some brandy, and Old
Ronaldson had taken several glasses, and pronounced it capital; which
everyone said was a sure sign "he was coming to himself." One of his
tender-hearted neighbors, who had helped herself to a breakfast cupful
of this medicine, was shedding tears profusely, and as she kept rocking
from side to side, nursing her elbows, she cried bitterly: "Poor Mr.
Ronaldson's lost his senses!"
The instant Dr. Macnab appeared, Old Ronaldson stepped forward, shook
him warmly by the hand, and said: "I'm truly glad to see you, doctor.
You will soon put it all right. I have only lost my _senses_--that's
all! That's what all these women are making this row about."
"Let me feel your pulse," said the doctor gently.
"Oh, nonsense, doctor," cried Ronaldson--"nonsense; I've only lost my
_senses_." And he made as if he would fly at the heap of drawers, dust,
and rubbish which lay in the centre of the floor, and have it all raked
out again.
"Oh, lost your senses, have you?" said the doctor with a bland smile.
"You'll soon get over that--that's a trifle." But he deliberately pulled
out his big gold repeater and held Ronaldson by the wrist. "Just as I
feared. Pulse ninety-five, eye troubled, face flushed, muckle
excitement," etc. So there and then, Old Ronaldson was doomed. I did not
wish a painful scene; so, when I got my certificate signed by the
doctor, I quietly slipped out, got a pair of horses and a close
carriage, and asked Mr. Ronaldson to meet me, if he felt able, at the
inn in half an hour, as I felt sure a walk in the open air would do him
good. He gladly fell in with this plan, and promised to be with me at
noon certain.
As I have said, he is an old soldier, was an officer's servant in fact,
and is a most tidy and punctual person. But old Mrs. Birnie had, with
much thoughtfulness, the moment he began to make preparations for this,
put his razors out of the way. Hereupon he got worse and worse, stamped
and stormed, and at last worked himself into a terrible passion. I grew
tired waiting at the inn, and so returned, and found him in a sad state.
When he saw me, he cried: "Oh, Mr. M'Lauchlin, the deil's in this house
this day."
"Very true," said Mrs. Birnie to me in an aside. "You see, sir, he
speaks sense--whiles."
"Everything has gone against me this day," he went on; "but," said he,
"I'll get out of this if my beard never comes off. Hand me my Wellington
boots, Mrs. Birnie; I hope you have not swallowed them, too!"
The moment Ronaldson began to draw on his boots, affairs changed as if
by magic. "There," cried he triumphantly--"There is that confounded
paper of yours which has made all this row! See, Mrs. Birnie," he
exclaimed, flourishing my census paper in his hand; "_I've found my
senses_!"
"Oh," cried the much affected widow, "I am glad to hear it," and in her
ecstatic joy she rushed upon the old soldier, took his head to her
bosom, and wept for joy. I seized the opportunity to beat a hasty
retreat, and left the pair to congratulate each other upon the happy
finding of Old Ronaldson's _senses_.
=It's a Gran' Nicht=
The following is a fine comic sketch of an interview between a Scotch
peasant lover and "Kirsty," his sweetheart, who was only waiting for him
to speak. It is in fine contrast with the confident, rushing away in
which that sort of thing is done in other countries.
The young lover stands by the cottage gable in the fading light,
declaring, "It's a gran' nicht!" Ever so often he says it, yet he feels
its grandeur not at all, for the presence of something grander or
better, I suppose--the maiden, Kirsty Grant. Does he whisper soft
somethings of her betterness, I wonder, while thus he lingers? His only
communication is the important fact, "It's a gran' nicht." He would
linger, blessed in her presence, but the closing day warns him to be
gone. It will be midnight before he can reach his village home miles
away. Yet was it sweet to linger. "It's a very gran' nicht, but I maun
haist awa'. Mither 'ill be wunnerin'," said he.
"'Deed, ye'll hae tae draw yer feet gey fast tae win hame afore the
Sabbath; sae e'en be steppin'," she answered, cooly.
"It's gran'!" said he; "I wish ilka Saiturday nicht was lik' this ane."
"Wi' ye, Saiturday nicht shud maist be lik' Sunday morn, if ye bevil it
richt," said she, with a toss of her head, for she rightly guessed that
somehow the lad's pleasure was referable to herself. "I maun shut up the
coo."
"Good-nicht!" said he.
"Good-nicht!" said she, disappearing.
He stepped away in the muirland, making for home. "Isn't she smairt?"
said he to himself; "man, isn't she smairt? Said she, 'Saiturday nicht
shud aye be wi' ye lik' Sunday morn, if ye beviled it richt!' Was it na
a hint for me? Man, I wish I daur spaik oot to her!"
=A Highlander on Bagpipes=
Mr. Barclay, an eminent Scotch artist, was engaged in painting a
Highland scene for Lord Breadalbane, in which his lordship's handsome
piper was introduced. When the artist was instructing him as to
attitude, and that he must maintain an appearance at once of animation
and ease by keeping up a conversation, the latter replied that he would
do his best, and commenced as follows:
"Maister Parclay, ye read yer Bible at times, I _suppone_ (suppose),
sir?"
"Oh, yes."
"Weel, Maister Parclay, if ye do tat, sir, ten you've read te third and
fifth verses of te third chapter of Daniel, when te princes, te
governors, te captains, te judges, te treasurers, te counsellors, te
sheriffs and all te rulers of te provinces were gathered together into
te dedication of te image tat Nebuchadnezzar, te king, had set up, and
tey were told tat whenever tey began to hear te sound of te cornet,
flute, harp, sackbut, dulcimer, and all kinds of music, tey were to fall
down and worship te golden image that Nebuchadnezzar, te king, had set
up. I tell ye, Maister Parclay, if tey had a Hielandman, wi' his pipes
tere, tat nonsense would not hae happened. Na, na, he would hae sent tem
a' fleeing. It would hae been wi' tem as Bobby Burns said, 'Skirl up to
Bangor, for ye maun a' come back to te bagpipe at last.'"
=Walloping Judas=
The late Dr. Adamson, of Cupar-Fife, colleague to Dr. Campbell, father
to the lord chancellor of that name, at a late Saturday night supper was
about to depart, alleging that he must prepare for the Sunday service.
For two previous Sundays he had been holding forth on Judas Iscariot,
and a member of his congregation, who sat at the table detained him
with: "Sit down, doctor, sit down; there's nae need for ye to gang awa';
just gie Judas another wallop in the tow."
="'Alice' Brown, the Jaud!"=
An old offender was, some years ago, brought up before a well-known
Glasgow magistrate. The constable, as a preliminary, informed his
bailieship that he had in custody John Anderson, _alias_ Brown, _alias_
Smith. "Very weel," said the magistrate, with an air of dignity, "I'll
try the women first. Bring in Alice Brown! what has she been about, the
jaud?"
=Earning His Dismissal=
Dean Ramsay tells an amusing story of the cool self-sufficiency of the
young Scottish domestic--a boy who, in a very quiet, determined way,
made his exit from a house into which he had lately been introduced. He
had been told that he should be dismissed if he broke any of the china
that was under his charge.
On the morning of a great dinner party he was entrusted (rather rashly)
with a great load of plates, which he was to carry upstairs from the
kitchen to the dining-room, and which were piled up and rested upon his
two hands.
In going upstairs his foot slipped, and the plates were broken to atoms.
He at once went up to the drawing-room, put his head in at the door, and
shouted, "The plates are a' smashed, and I'm awa'!" [7]
=Paris and Peebles Contrasted=
In the memoir of Robert Chambers, by his brother William, allusion is
made to the exceedingly quiet town of Peebles, their birthplace, and the
strong local attachments of the Scottish people. An honest old burgher
of the town was enabled by some strange chance to visit Paris, and was
eagerly questioned, when he came back, as to the character of that
capital of capitals; to which he answered that, "Paris, a' things
considered, was a wonderful place; but still, Peebles for pleasure!"
=Short Measure=
An old woman who had made a great deal of money by selling whiskey was
visited when on her death-bed by her minister, to whom she spake, as is
usual on such occasions, about her temporal as well as her spiritual
affairs. As to her temporalities, they seemed to be in a very
flourishing condition, for she was dying worth a very large sum of
money.
"And so, Molly," said the minister, "you tell me you are worth so much
money?"
"Indeed, minister," replied Molly, "I am."
"And you tell me, too," continued the minister, "that you made all that
money by filling the noggin?"
"Na, na, minister," said the dying woman; "I didna tell you _that_. I
made the maist of it by _not_ filling the noggin."
=Two Views of a Divine Call=
Of Scotland's great preacher, the late Rev. Dr. Macleod, the following
is told: In visiting his Dalkeith parishioners to say farewell, he
called on one of those sharp-tongued old ladies whose privileged gibes
have added so much to the treasury of Scottish humor.
To her he expressed his regret at leaving his friends at Dalkeith, but
stated that he considered his invitation to Glasgow in the light of "a
call from the Lord."
"Ay, ay," was the sharp response; "but if the Lord hadna called you to a
better steepend, it might hae been lang gin ye had heard Him!"
=A Scotch View of Shakespeare=
A Scotchman was asserting that some of the most celebrated poets and
brightest intellects the world ever produced were descendants of his
race, and quoted Scott, Burns, and others as evidence.
An Englishman who was present retorted: "I suppose that you will claim
next that even Shakespeare was a Scotchman."
"Weel," he replied, "I'm nae so sure o' that; but ane thing I do
ken--_he had intellect eneuch for a Scotchman_."
="As Guid Deid as Leevin!"=
There was a mixture of shrewdness and simplicity in the following:
Shortly after the establishment of the Ministers' Widows' Fund, the
minister of Cranshaws asked in marriage the daughter of a small farmer
in the neighborhood.
The damsel asked her father whether she should accept the clergyman's
offer. "Oh," said the sire, "tak' him, Jenny; he's as gude deid as
leevin." The farmer meant that his daughter would, owing to the new
fund, be equally well off a widow as a wife.
=The Mercy of Providence=
An old minister was once visiting his hearers, and accosted a humble
farmer who had been lazy with his crops in the wet season. "I hear,
Jamie," said the minister, "that ye are behind with your harvest."
"Oh, sir," was the reply, "I hae got it all in except three wee stacks,
and I leave them to the mercy of Providence."
=A Scotch Curtain Lecture on Profit and Pain=
The man who said this was not an atheist, but simply a druggist--a
Scotch druggist--who was aroused by the ringing of his night-bell. He
arose, went downstairs, and served a customer with a dose of salts.
His wife grumbled: "What profit do you get out of that penny?"
"A ha'penny," was the reply.
"And for that ha'penny you'll be awake a long time," rejoined the wife.
"A-weel," replied the placid druggist, "the dose of salts will keep him
awake much longer; let us thank Heaven that we have the profit and not
the pain of the transaction."
=A Definition of "Fou"=
A gentleman recently gave an entertainment in London on the
peculiarities of Scotchmen, in the course of which he gave this
definition of the national word _fou_: "Being gently excited by the
moderate use of dangerous beverages."
=The Journeyman Dog=
A gentleman, staying in the family of a sheep-farmer, remarked that
daily as the family sat down to dinner a shepherd's dog came in,
received its portion, and soon after disappeared.
"I never see that dog except at dinner," said the visitor.
"The reason is," said the farmer, "we've lent him to oor neibor, Jamie
Nicol, and we telt him to come hame ilka day to his dinner. When he gets
his dinner, puir beast, he gaes awa' back till his wark."
=Church Economy=
A congregation was once looking out for a minister, and after hearing a
host of candidates with more or less popular gifts, their choice fell
upon a sticket probationer, whose election caused great surprise in the
country.
One of the hearers was afterward asked by an eminent minister how the
congregation could have brought themselves to select such a minister.
His reply was quite characteristic: "Weel, we had twa or three
reasons--first, naebody recommended him; then he was nae studier, and
besides, he had money in the bank."
It appeared that of the two former ministers, who had not come up to
expectation, one of them had brought flaming testimonials, and the other
had buried himself among his books, so that the people never saw him but
in the pulpit, while the third reason was, perhaps the most cogent of
all, for the people did not care to burden themselves with a too
generous support of their pastor.
In another case the minister usurped the functions of session and
committee, and ignored the office bearers altogether. One of the elders
observed to another one Sunday morning, as the minister was trotting up
to the meeting-house on his smart little pony, "It's a fine wee powny
the minister rides."
"Ay," said the other, "it's a gey strange ane; it can carry minister,
session, and committee without turnin' a hair."
=Tired of Standing=
A Paisley man, visiting Glasgow, much admired the statue of Sir John
Moore, which is an erect figure. Soon afterwards he brought another
Paisley man to see the statue, but not being topographically posted, he
stared at the statue of James Watt, which is in a sitting attitude.
Feeling somewhat puzzled as to the identity of what was before him with
what he recollected to have seen, he disposed of the difficulty by
exclaiming: "Odds, man, he's sat down since I last saw him!"
=Religious Loneliness=
"How is your church getting on?" asked a friend of a religious
Scotchman, who had separated in turn from the Kirk, the Free Church, the
United Presbyterian, and several lesser bodies.
"Pretty weel, pretty weel. There's naebody belongs to it now but my
brither and mysel', and I am sure o' Sandy's soundness."
=Prison Piety=
Every place has its advantages, even the lock-up. A Scotch "gentleman,"
who had been guilty of some irregularity that demanded his compulsory
withdrawal from polite society for sixty days, was asked, after his
release, as to how he "got on."
"Weel," replied he, "ye see, a body canna hae everything in this life;
and I'm no gaun to misca' the place, no' me. For a' the time I was
there--just twa months, note, by-the-by--I was weel proteckit frae the
wiles o' a wickit worl' outside, while my 'bread was aye gi'en me and my
water sure.'"
=A Successful Tradesman=
One day, during a snow storm, the Rev. George More was riding from
Aberdeen to a village in the vicinity of the town. He was enveloped in a
Spanish cloak, and had a shawl tied round his neck and shoulders. These
loose garments, covered with snow, and waving in the blast, startled the
horse of a "bag-man," who chanced to ride past. The alarmed steed
plunged, and very nearly threw its rider, who exclaimed:
"Why, sir, you would frighten the very devil!"
"I am glad to hear that," said Mr. More, "for it's just my trade."
=Multum in Parvo=
A Highland porter, observing a stranger looking intently on the Rev. Dr.
Candlish, who was of small stature, said, "Ay, tak' a gude look--there's
no muckle _o'_ him, but there's a deal _in_ him!"
=When Asses May Not Be Parsons=
In the pulpit one-half of Dr. Guthrie's rich nature was necessarily
restrained. He could be pathetic there, but not humorous; though we did
once hear him begin a sermon by saying that God on one occasion used an
ass to preach to a sinner, but that He was not in the way of using asses
when He could get better instruments!
=A Scotch Version of the Lives of Esau and Jacob=
Within the grounds of Hamilton Palace, in the west of Scotland, is a
mausoleum. The walls are ornamented with bas-reliefs forming Bible
illustrations. These have been paraphrased in verse by a local bard. One
of the series is a history of Jacob, and from it the following extracts
are taken. The brothers are thus introduced:
When Esau and Jacob were boys,
A wild boy Esau was;
Jacob was a peaceable boy,
But Esau loved the chase.
One day from hunting he came home,
A hungry man was he;
Jacob some famous pottage had,
Which soon caught Esau's e'e.
Rebekah instructs Jacob in the proposed deception of Isaac, but he is
fearful of discovery. The former replies:
No fear of that, my darling son;
Just do as I direct--
I will you dress up for the scene,
That he will ne'er suspect.
Jacob obeys:
Away he went as he was bid,
And quickly he them slew;
His mother straightway did them cook
And made a fav'rite stew.
Isaac is suspicious of Jacob:
Then Isaac unto Jacob said,
"Come near to me, I pray,
That I may _feel_ it is the truth
That unto me you say."
Then Jacob he went unto him,
And he his hands did feel.
"The hands are Esau's hands, my son,
But it's like Jacob's squeal."
="Faint Heart Never Won Fair Lady"=
An anecdote is told of Professor Haldane, of St. Andrews, one of the
most estimable of men, yet, in spite of a pleasing person, a genial
manner, a good house and a handsome competency, he was well-advanced in
life before he could make up his mind to marry. When it was reported
that he had fitted up his house afresh, it was supposed that he was
going to change his state. On a given day, at an hour unusually early
for a call, the good doctor was seen at the house of a lady for whom he
had long been supposed to have a predilection, and betraying much
excitement of manner till the door was opened.
As soon as he was shown in, and saw the fair one whom he sought calmly
engaged in knitting stockings, and not at all disturbed by his entrance,
his courage, like that of Bob Acres, began to ooze out, and he sat
himself down on the edge of the chair in such a state of pitiable
confusion as to elicit the compassion of the lady in question. She could
not understand what ailed him, but felt instinctively that the truest
good breeding would be to take no notice of his embarrassment, and lead
the conversation herself.
Thus, then, she opened fire: "Weel, doctor, hae ye got through a' your
papering and painting yet?" (A clearing of the throat preparatory to
speech, but not a sound uttered.) "I'm told your new carpets are just
beautifu'." (A further effort to clear the throat.) "They say the
pattern o' the dining-room chairs is something quite out o' the way. In
short, that everything aboot the house is perfect."
Here was a providential opening he was not such a goose as to overlook.
He screwed up his courage, advanced his chair, sidled toward her,
simpering the while, raised his eyes furtively to her face, and said,
with a gentle inflection of his voice which no ear but a wilfully deaf
one could have misinterpreted: "Na, na, Miss J----n, it's no' _quite_
perfect; it canna be quite that so lang as there's ae thing wanting!"
"And what can that be?" said the imperturbable spinster.
Utterly discomfited by her wilful blindness to his meaning, the poor man
beat a hasty retreat, drew back his chair from its dangerous proximity,
caught up his hat, and, in tones of blighted hope, gasped forth his
declaration in these words; "Eh, dear! Well 'am sure! The thing wanted
is a--a--a _sideboord_!"
="Surely the Net is Spread in Vain in the Sight of any Bird"=
Our May had an ee to a man,
Nae less than the newly-placed preacher,
And we plotted a dainty bit plan
For trappin' our spiritual teacher.
Oh! but we were sly,
We were sly an' sleekit;
But, ne'er say a herrin' is dry--
Until it's weel reestit an' reekit.
We treated young Mr. M'Gock,
An' plied him wi' tea an' wi' toddy,
An' we praised every word that he spake,
Till we put him maist out o' the body.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
Frae the kirk we were never awa',
Except when frae home he was helpin'
An' then May,--an' aften us a'--
Gaed far an' near after him skelpin'.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
We said aye what the neebors thocht droll,
That to hear him gang through wi' a sermon
Was--though a wee dry on the whole--
As refreshin's the dew on Mount Hermon.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
But to come to the heart o' the nit,
The dainty bit plan that we plotted
Was to get a subscription afit,
An' a watch to the minister voted.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
The young women folk o' the kirk
By turns lent a han' in collectin',
But May took the feck o' the mark
An' the trouble the rest o' directin'.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
A gran' watch was gotten belyve,
An' May, wi' sma' "priggin," consentit
To be ane o' a party o' five
To gang to the Manse an' present it.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
We a' gied a word o' advice
To May in a deep consultation,
To hae something to say unco' nice,
An' to speak for the hale deputation.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
Takin' present an' speech baith in han',
May delivered a bonny palaver,
To let Mr. M'Gock understan'
How zealous she was in his favor.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
She said that the gift was to prove
That his female friends valued him highly,
But it couldna express _a'_ their love,
An' she glinted her ee at him slyly.
Oh! but we were sly, etc.
He put the gowd watch in his fab,
And proudly he said he wad wear it,
An' after some flatterin' gab,
He tauld May he was goin' to be marriet.
Oh! but we were sly,
We were sly and sleekit,
But Mr. M'Gock was nae gowk,
Wi' our dainty bit plan to be cheekit.
May came home wi' her heart in her mouth
An' frae that hour she turned a Dissenter,
An' noo she's renewin' her youth
Wi' some hopes o' the Burgher Precentor.
Oh! but she was sly,
She was sly and sleekit,
An' cleverly opens ae door
As sune as anither is sleekit.
=A Highland Outburst of Gratitude and an Inburst of Hurricane=
"Ah, my friends, what causes have we for gratitude--oh, yes;--for the
deepest gratitude! Look at the place of our habitation. How grateful
should we be that we do not leeve in the far north--oh, no!--amidst the
frost and snaw, and the cauld and the weet--oh, no!--where there's a
long day tae half o' the year--oh, yes!--and a lang nicht the
tither--oh, yes!--that we do not depend upon the aurawry boreawlis--oh,
no!--that we do net gang shivering aboot in skins--oh, no!--smoking
amang the snow like modiwarts--oh, no! no!--And how grateful should we
be that we do not leeve in the far south, beneath the equawtor, and a
sun aye burnin', burnin'; where the sky's het--ah, yes!--and yearth's
het, and the water's het, and ye're brunt black as a smiddy--ah,
yes!--where there's teegars--oh, yes!--and lions--oh, yes!--and
crocodiles--oh, yes!--and fearsome beasts growlin' and girnin' at ye
amang the woods; where the very air is a fever, like the burnin' breath
o' a fiery drawgon; that we do not leeve in these places--oh, no! no!
no! no!--but that we leeve in this blessit island of oors callit Great
Britain--oh, yes! yes! and in that pairt of it named Scotland, and in
that bit o' auld Scotland that looks up at Ben Nevis--oh, yes! yes!
yes!--where there's neither frost, nor cauld, nor wund, nor weet, nor
hail, nor rain, nor teegars, nor lions, nor burnin' suns, nor
hurricanes, nor----"
Here a tremendous blast of wind and rain from Ben Nevis blew in the
windows of the kirk, and brought the preacher's eloquence to an abrupt
conclusion.
=A Different Thing Entirely=
While surveying the west coast of Scotland, Captain Robinson had
received on board his ship the Grand Duke Constantine. As the duke could
only remain a very short time, the captain resolved to show him as much
as possible during his brief stay. Accordingly he steamed to Iona on a
Sunday, believing that day especially suited for pointing out to his
royal visitor remains associated with religion. Landing on the island he
waited on the custodian of the ancient church with the request that he
would open it.
"Not so," said the keeper; "not on Sunday."
"Do you know whom I have brought to the island?" said the captain.
"He's the Emperor o' a' the Russias, I ken by the flag," responded the
keeper; "but had it been the Queen hersel' I wadna' gi'e up the keys on
the Lord's day."
"Would you take a glass of whiskey on the Sabbath?" inquired the
captain.
"_That's a different thing entirely_," said the keeper.
=Canny Dogs=
The following is given by a Scotchman by way of illustrating the kindly
consideration evinced by the Scottish peasantry towards the domestic
animals--especially the shepherds to their dogs--which consequently
become their attached companions. A minister calling to visit one of his
flock found before the fireplace three dogs apparently asleep. At the
sound of a whistle two rose up and walked out; the third remained still.
"It is odd," said the minister, "that this dog does not get up like the
others."
"It's no astonishing ava," said the shepherd, "for it's no' his turn; he
was oot i' the mornin'."
=A Compliment by Return=
The minister's man at Lintrathen, though sufficiently respectful, seldom
indulges in the complimentary vein. On one occasion he handsomely
acknowledged a compliment by returning another. The minister had got
married, and was presented with a carriage, for which John was appointed
to provide a horse. Driving out with his wife, the minister said to John
in starting, "You've got us a capital horse."
"Weel, sir," said John, "it's just aboot as difficult as to choose a
gude minister's wife, and we've been lucky wi' baith."
=Curious Sentence=
Lord Eskgrove is described by Lord Cockburn, in his "_Memorials_" as a
most eccentric personage.
Cockburn heard him sentence a tailor for murdering a soldier, in these
words: "And not only did you murder him, thereby he was berea-ved of his
life, but you did thrust, or pierce, or push, or project, or propel the
li-thall weapon through the belly band of his regimental breeches, which
were his majesty's."
=Advice to an M.P.=
When Sir George Sinclair was chosen member of Parliament for his native
county, a man came up to him and said: "Noo, Maister George, I'll gie
ye some advice. They've made ye a Parliament man, and my advice to ye
is, be ye aye tak-takin' what ye can get, and aye seek-seekin' until ye
get mair."
=Stretching It=
Concerning the long-bow, no American effort can surpass one that comes
to us from Scotland: It was told that Colonel M'Dowall, when he returned
from the war, was one day walking along by The Nyroch, when he came on
an old man sitting greetin' on a muckle stone at the roadside. When he
came up, the old man rose and took off his bonnet, and said:
"Ye're welcome hame again, laird."
"Thank you," said the colonel; adding, after a pause, "I should surely
know your face. Aren't you Nathan M'Culloch?"
"Ye're richt, 'deed," said Nathan, "it's just me, laird."
"You must be a good age, now, Nathan," says the colonel.
"I'm no verra aul' yet, laird," was the reply; "I'm just turnt a
hunner."
"A hundred!" says the colonel, musing; "well, you must be all that. But
the idea of a man of a hundred sitting blubbering that way! Whatever
could _you_ get to cry about?"
"It was my father lashed me, sir," said Nathan, blubbering again; "an'
he put me oot, so he did."
"Your father!" said the colonel; "is your father alive yet?"
"Leevin! ay," replied Nathan; "I ken that the day tae my sorrow."
"Where is he?" says the colonel. "What an age he must be! I would like
to see him."
"Oh, he's up in the barn there," says Nathan; "an no' in a horrid gude
humor the noo, aither."
They went up to the barn together, and found the father busy threshing
the barley with the big flail, and tearing on fearful. Seeing Nathan and
the laird coming in, he stopped and saluted the colonel, who, after
inquiring how he was, asked him why he had struck Nathan.
"The young rascal!" says the father, "there's nae dooin' wi' him; he's
never oot o' mischief. I had to lick him this mornin' _for throwin'
stanes at his grandfather_!"
=Driving the Deevil Out=
A Scotch minister, named Downes, settled in a rural district in the
north of Ireland, where the people are more Scotch in language and
manners than in the land o' cakes itself. One evening he and a brother
divine set out together to take part in some religious service.
Meeting one of his parishioners on the way, the latter quaintly
observed, "Weel, Mr. Downes, you clergymen 'ill drive the deevil oot o'
the country the nicht!"
"Yes," replied the minister, "we will. _I see you are making your
escape._"
Tommy did not use the deevil's name in his pastor's presence again.
=Mental Aberration=
In Lanarkshire, Scotland, there lived, about fifty years ago, a poor
crazy man, by name Will Shooler. Will was a regular attendant of the
parish church in the town, on the ceiling of which there was, for
ornament, a dove with outstretched wings. One Sabbath day, Will grew
rather tired of the sermon, and throwing his arms and head back, he saw
the dove, and exclaimed, "O Lord! what a big hen!"
=Sunday Shaving and Milking=
On first going to Ross-shire to visit and preach for my friend Mr.
Carment, I asked him on the Saturday evening before retiring to rest
whether I would get warm water in the morning. Whereupon he held up a
warning hand, saying: "Whist, whist!"
On my looking and expressing astonishment, he said, with a twinkle in
his eye, "Speak of shaving on the Lord's day in Ross-shire, and you
never need preach here more!"
In that same county Sir Kenneth Mackenzie directed my attention to a
servant-girl, who, if not less scrupulous, was more logical in her
practice. She astonished her master, one of Sir Kenneth's tenants, by
refusing to feed the cows on the Sabbath. She was ready to milk, but by
no means feed them--and her defence shows that though a fanatic, she was
not a fool.
"The cows," she said--drawing a nice metaphysical distinction between
what are not and what are works of necessity and mercy that would have
done honor to a casuist--"the cows canna milk themselves; so to milk
them is clear work of necessity and mercy; but let them out to the
fields, and they'll feed themselves." Here certainly was _scrupulosity_;
but the error was one that leaned to the right side. [15]
=A Typical Quarrel=
The story of the happy young couple who quarreled on the first day of
their housekeeping life about the "rat" or the "mouse" which ran out of
the fireplace, it seems, had its origin "long time ago" in the incident
thus done into rhyme. The last verse explains the mysterious mistake:
John Davidson, and Tib his wife,
Sat toastin' their taes ae nicht,
When something startit in the fluir
And blinkit by their sicht.
"Guidwife," quoth John, "did you see that moose?
Whar sorra was the cat?"
"A moose?"--"Ay, a moose."--"Na, na, guidman,
It wasna a moose! 'twas a rat."
"Ow, ow, guidwife, to think ye've been
Sae lang aboot the hoose,
An' no' to ken a moose frae a rat!
Yan wasna a rat! 'twas a moose!"
"I've seen mair mice than you, guidman--
An' what think ye o' that?
Sae haud your tongue, an' say nae mair--
I tell ye, _it_ was a _rat_."
"_Me_ haud my tongue for _you_, guidwife!
I'll be mester o' this hoose--
I saw't as plain as een could see,
An' I tell ye, _it_ was a _moose_."
"If you're the mester of the hoose,
It's I'm the mistress o't;
An' I ken best what's in the hoose--
Sae I tell ye, _it_ was a _rat_."
"Weel, weel, guidwife, gae mak' the brose,
An' ca' it what ye please."
So up she rose and mad' the brose,
While John sat toastin' his taes.
They supit, and supit, and supit the brose,
And aye their lips played smack;
They supit, and supit, and supit the brose,
Till their lugs began to crack.
"Sic fules we were to fa' out, guidwife,
About a moose"--"A what?
It's a lee ye tell, an' I say again,
It wasna a moose, 'twas a rat."
"Wad ye ca' me a leear to my very face?
My faith, but ye craw crouse!
I tell you, Tib, I never will bear 't--"
"'Twas a moose"--"'Twas a rat"--"'Twas a moose."
Wi' that she struck him ower the pow--
"Ye dour auld doit, tak' that--
Gae to your bed, ye canker'd sumph--
'Twas a rat."--"'Twas a moose!"--"'Twas a rat!"
She sent the brose caup at his heels
As he hirpled ben the hoose;
Yet he shoved out his head, as he steekit the door,
And cried, "'Twas a moose, 'twas a moose!"
But when the carle fell asleep
She paid him back for that,
And roared into his sleepin' lug,
"'Twas a _rat_, 'twas a rat, 'twas a RAT!"
The devil be wi' me if I think
It was a beast, at all--
Next morning, when she swepit the fluir,
She found wee Johnnie's ball!
=A Ready Student=
Dr. Richie, of Edinburgh, though a very clever man, once met his match.
When examining a student as to the classes he attended, he said: "I
understand you attend the class for mathematics?"
"Yes."
"How many sides has a circle?"
"Two," said the student.
"Indeed! What are they?"
"An inside and an outside."
A laugh among the students followed this answer.
The doctor next inquired: "And you attend the moral philosophy class,
also?"
"Yes."
"Well, you doubtless heard lectures on various subjects. Did you ever
hear one on 'Cause and Effect?'"
"Yes."
"Does an effect ever go before a cause?"
"Yes."
"Give me an instance."
"A barrow wheeled by a man."
The doctor hastily sat down and proposed no more questions.
=Appearing "in Three Pieces"=
Wilson, the celebrated vocalist, was upset one day in his carriage near
Edinburgh. A Scotch paper, after recording the accident, said: "We are
happy to state he was able to appear the following evening in three
pieces."
="Every Man to His Own Trade"=
A worthy old Scotch minister, who didn't object to put his hand to a bit
of work when occasion required it, was one day forking sheaves in the
stackyard to his man John, who was "biggin'." One of the wheels of the
cart on which the minister was standing happened to be resting on a
sheaf, and when the cart was empty his reverence said: "That's them a'
noo, John, excep' ane 'at's aneath the wheel, an' ye'll hae to come an'
gie's a lift up wi' the wheel ere I get it oot." "Oh," said John, "just
drive forrit the cart a bit." "Very true, very true," rejoined the
minister; "every man to his own trade."
=From Different Points of View=
The following anecdote is related of Sir James Mackintosh, the Scotch
philosopher and historian, and the celebrated Dr. Parr: Sir James had
invited the reverend doctor to take a drive in his gig. The horse became
very restive and unmanageable. "Gently, gently, Jemmy," said the doctor,
"pray don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, whatever you do,
Jemmy! You'll do better without me, I am certain; so let me down,
Jemmy--let me down." Once on _terra firma_, the doctor's views of the
case were changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up," said he. "Never let a
horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him.
And now I'll leave you to manage him--I'll walk back."
=Speaking from "Notes"=
A porter at a Scotch railway station, who had grown grey in the service,
was one day superintending matters on the platform, when the parish
minister stepped up to him and asked when the next train arrived from
the south. The aged official took off his cap and carefully read the
hour and the minute of the train from a document stuck in the crown.
Somewhat surprised at this, the minister said: "Dear me, John, is your
memory failing, or what is up with you? You used to have all these
matters entirely by heart."
"Weel, sir," said John, "I dunna ken if my memory's failin', or fat's
up; but the fac' is I'm growin' like yersel'--I cunna manage without the
paper."
="Consecrated" Ground=
The Police Commissioners of Broughton Ferry, near Dundee, some time
since compelled house proprietors to lay down concrete on the footpath
in front of their properties. An old lady, residing in a cottage,
proudly told a friend the other day that the front of her house had been
"consecrated up to the vera doorstep."
=Unanswerable=
When a Scotchman answers a question, he settles the matter in dispute
once for all. On a certain occasion the question was asked: "Why was
Mary Queen of Scots born at Linlithgow?" Sandy Kerr promptly answered:
"Because her mither was staying there, sir;" and there actually seemed
to be nothing more to say on the subject.
=Practical Thrift=
An admirable humorous reply, says Dean Ramsay, is recorded by a Scotch
officer, well known and esteemed in his day for mirth and humor. Captain
Innes, of the Guards (usually called Jack Innes by his contemporaries),
was, with others, getting ready for Flushing or some of those
expeditions of the great war. His commanding officer, Lord Huntly,
remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new one.
"Na, na, bide a wee," said Jack. "Where we're gain', faith, there'll
soon be mair hats nor heads." [7]
=Fool Finding=
A Scotch student, supposed to be deficient in judgment, was asked by a
professor, in the course of his examination, how he would discover a
fool? "By the questions he would ask," was the prompt and highly
suggestive reply.
=Robbing on Credit=
A Scotch parson said recently, somewhat sarcastically, of a toper, that
he put an enemy into his mouth to steal away his brains, but that the
enemy, after a thorough search, returned without anything.
=Going to the Doctor's and "Taking" Something=
A Scotch lad was on one occasion accused of stealing some articles from
a doctor's shop. The judge was much struck with his respectable
appearance, and asked him why he was guilty of such a contemptible act.
"Weel, ye see," replied the prisoner, "I had a bit of pain in my side,
and my mither tauld me tae gang tae the doctor's and tak' something."
"Oh, yes," said the judge, "but surely she didn't tell you to go and
take an eight-day clock!"
The prisoner was evidently nonplused, but it was only for a moment.
Turning to the judge, a bright smile of humor stealing over his
countenance, he replied quietly:
"There's an auld proverb that says, 'Time an' the doctur cure a'
diseases,' an' sae I thocht"--but the remainder was lost in the laughter
of the court.
=A Case in Which Comparisons Were Odious=
The late Rev. Dr. John Hunter, the much-loved minister of the Tron
Parish, Edinburgh, had a call one morning from one of his many poor
parishioners, who said he had come to ask a favor. On the worthy
minister's requesting him to specify its nature, he replied, "Weel, sir,
it's to marry me."
"Very good, John," the minister said; "let me know the place, day and
hour, and I shall be at your service."
"But, sir," the bridegroom answered, "it's the noo!" (The bride was
waiting outside.)
"Filthy and untidy as you are! No, no; go home and wash, and dress
yourself, and then I shall be prepared to perform the ceremony."
"Bless ye, sir, ye should see _her_!" was the response of the applicant.
=Pulpit Aids=
_Young Minister_: "I don't think I need put on the gown, John; it's only
an encumbrance."
_Beadle_: "Ay, sir; it makes ye mair impressive--an' ye need it a', sir,
ye need it a'."
=Choosing a Minister=
The parish kirk of Driechtor had been rather unfortunate in its
ministers, two of them having gone off in a decline within a twelvemonth
of their appointment, and now, after hearing a number of candidates for
the vacancy, the members were looking forward with keen interest to the
meeting at which the election takes place.
"Weel, Marget," asked one female parishioner of another, as they
foregathered on the road one day, "wha are you gaun to vote for?"
"I'm just thinkin' I'll vote for nane o' them. I'm no muckle o' a judge,
an' it'll be the safest plan," was Marget's sagacious reply.
"Toots, woman, if that's the way o't, vote wi' me."
"An' hoo are you gaun to vote?"
"I'm gaun to vote for the soundest lungs, an'll no bother us deein'
again in a hurry."
=Prince Albert and the Ship's Cook=
During the earlier visits of the royal family to Balmoral, Prince
Albert, dressed in a very simple manner, was crossing one of the Scotch
lakes in a steamer, and was curious to note everything relating to the
management of the vessel, and among other things, the cooking.
Approaching the galley, where a brawny Highlander was attending the
culinary matters, he was attracted by the savory odors of a compound
known by Scotchmen as "hodge-podge," which the Highlander was preparing.
"What is that?" asked the prince, who was not known to the cook.
"Hodge-podge, sir," was the reply.
"How is it made?" was the next question.
"Why, there's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't, and carrots intil't
and----
"Yes, yes," said the prince, who had not learned that "intil't" meant
"into it;" "but what is intil't?"
"Why, there's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't, and carrots intil't
and----"
"Yes, I see, but what is intil't?"
The man looked at him, and seeing the prince was serious, he replied:
"There's mutton intil't, and turnips intil't and----"
"Yes, certainly, I know," urged the inquirer; "but what is
intil't--intil't?"
"Ye daft gowk," yelled the Highlander, brandishing a large spoon, "am I
no' telling ye what's intil't! There's mutton intil't and----"
Here the interview was brought to a close by one of the prince's suite,
who was fortunately passing, and stepped in to save his royal highness
from being rapped over the head with the big spoon while in search of
information from the cook.
="To Memory 'Dear'"=
"Jeems," said the laird one day to his gardener, "there was something I
was going to ask you, but man, for the life o' me I canna mind what it
was." "Mebbe," said Jeems, who had received no pay for three weeks,
"mebbe," said he, "it was to spier at me fat wey I was keepin' body and
soul thegither on the wages I wasna gettin'."
=Good "for Nothing"--not the Goodness Worth Having=
It was a wet day and Jamie Stoddart could not go out to play; Mrs.
Stoddart, who had just cleared away the breakfast things, and was about
to commence a big heap of ironing, noticed sighs of incipient
restlessness in the laddie, and said; "Now, I hope you'll be a good boy
the day, Jamie; I've an awfu' lot o' work to dae, an' I can't have you
bothering me." "Wull ye gie me a penny if I'm awfu' guid a' day lang?"
asked her son. "Mebbe I will," was the reply; "but would it no' be
better to be a guid laddie just to please me?" "I'm no' sae shuir o'
that," answered the laddie, reflectively. "Ma teacher at the schule says
it aye better to be good even for a little, than to be guid for
naething." He got that penny.
="The Weaker Vessel"=
The minister of a parish in Scotland was called in some time ago to
effect a reconciliation between a fisherman of a certain village and his
wife. After using all the arguments in his power to convince the
offending husband that it was unmanly in him, to say the least of it, to
strike Polly with his fist, the minister concluded: "David, you know
that the wife is the weaker vessel, and you should have pity on her."
"Weel, then," said David, sulkily, "if she's the weaker vessel she
should carry the less sail."
=Minding His Business=
An Englishman traveling in the north of Scotland, came up to a
macadamizer of the roads, and while he was busy breaking the road metal,
asked him if the direction in which he was going was the way to
Aberdeen. The laborer, glad to rest himself a little, dropped his
hammer, and said quietly to the stranger, "Now, where cam' ye from?" The
traveler, nettled at not receiving a direct answer, asked him, "What
business have you with where I came from?" The macadamizer, taking up
his hammer and beginning to resume his occupation, said, "Oh, just as
little business as where you are gauin to!"
="Married!"--Not "Living"=
"Weel, Girzie, how are ye leevin'?" said one. "Me! I'm no leevin' at a'.
I'm mairret!"
=A Powerful Preacher=
Shortly after a Congregational chapel had been planted in the small
burgh of Bonnytown, an incident occurred which showed that the powers of
its minister were appreciated in certain quarters. A boy, named Johnny
Fordyce, had been indiscreet enough to put a sixpence in his mouth and
accidently swallowed it. Mrs. Fordyce, concerned both for her boy and
the sixpence, tried every means for its recovery, consulted her
neighbors, and finally in despair called in a doctor, but without
result. As a last resort, a woman present suggested that they should
send for the Congregationalist "meenister." "The meenister," chorused
mother and neighbors. "Ay, the meenister," rejoined the old dame; "od's,
if there's ony money in him he'll sune draw it oot o' 'm!"
=Lost Dogs=
"What dogs are these, Jasper?" inquired a gentleman of a lad, who was
dragging a couple of waspish-looking terriers along a street in
Edinburgh. "I dinna ken, sir," replied the urchin; "they came wi' the
railway, and they ate the direction, and dinna ken whar to gang."
=Stratagem of a Scotch Pedlar=
Early in the nineteenth century, Sandy Frazer, a native of the northern
part of this island--who by vending of linen, which he carried around
the country on his back, had acquired the sum of one hundred pieces of
gold--resolving to extend his business by the addition of other wares,
set out for London, in order to purchase them at the best advantage.
When he had arrived within a few miles of the end of his journey, he was
obliged to take shelter in a house of entertainment--which stood in a
lonely part of the road--from a violent storm of wind and rain. He had
not been there long, before he was joined by two horsemen of genteel
appearance, who stopped on the same account. As he was in possession of
the fire-side, they were under necessity of joining company with him, in
order to dry themselves; which otherwise the meanness of his appearance
would probably have prevented their doing.
The new companions had not sat long, before the cheerfulness of his
temper, and something uncommonly droll in his conversation, made them
invite him to sup with them at their expense; where they entertained him
so generously, that, forgetting his national prudence, he could not
forbear shewing his treasure, as a proof of not being unworthy of the
honor they had done him.
The storm having obliged them to remain all night, they departed
together the next morning; and as a farther mark of their regard they
kept company with him, though he traveled on foot, till they came into a
solitary part of the road, when, one of them, putting a pistol to his
breast, took of him the earnings of his whole life, leaving him only a
single piece of gold, which, by good fortune, he happened to have loose
in his pocket. His distress at such a loss may be easily conceived:
however, he sank not under it. A thought instantly occurred to him how
it might possibly be retrieved, which he lost not a moment in proceeding
to execute. He had observed that the master of the house, where he had
met these two plunderers, seemed to be perfectly acquainted with them;
he returned therefore thither directly, and feigned to have been taken
suddenly ill on the road with a disorder of the bowels; called for some
wine, which he had heated, and rendered still stronger with spice. All
the time he was drinking it, he did nothing but pray for his late
companions; who, he said, had not only advised him to take it, but had
also been so generous as to give him a piece of gold (which he produced)
to pay for it; and then, seeming to be much relieved, he lamented most
heavily his not knowing where to return thanks to his benefactors; which
he said, the violence of his pain had made him forget to inquire.
The master of the house, to whom his guests had not mentioned the man's
having money, that he might not expect to share it with them, never
suspected the truth of his story, informed him without scruple, who they
were, and where they lived. This was directly what he had schemed for.
He crawled away till he was out of sight of the house, in order to keep
up the deceit, when he made all the haste he could to town; and,
inquiring for his spoilers, he had the satisfaction to hear they were
people in trade, and of good repute for their wealth.
The next morning, therefore, as soon, as he thought they were stirring,
he went to the house of one of them, whom he found in the room where his
merchandise was exposed for sale. The merchant instantly knew him; but,
imagining he came on some other business (for he did not think it
possible that he could have traced him, or even that he could know him
in his altered appearance) asked him in the usual way what he wanted.
"I want to speak wi' ye in private, sir," he answered, getting between
him and the door; and then, on the merchant's affecting surprise--"In
gude troth, sir," he continued, "I think it is somewhat strange that ye
shud na ken Sandy, who supped with ye the neeght before the laust, after
au the kindness ye shewed to him." Then lowering his voice, so as not to
be overheard by the people present, he told him, with a determined
accent, that if he did not instantly return him his money, he would
apply to a magistrate for redress.
This was a demand which admitted not of dispute. The money was paid him,
gratuity for having lent it, and his receipt taken to that effect; after
which he went directly to the other, upon whom he made a like successful
demand.
=The Highlander and the Angels=
A genuine Highlander was one day looking at a print from a picture by
one of the old masters, in which angels were represented blowing
trumpets. He inquired if the angels played on trumpets, and being
answered in the affirmative, made the following pithy remark:
"Hech, sirs, but they maun be pleased wi' music. I wonder they dinna
borrow a pair o' bagpipes!"
=One Side of Scotch Humor=
Charles Lamb was present at a party of North Britons, where a son of
Burns was expected, and he happened to drop a remark that he wished it
were the father instead of the son, when four of the Scotchmen started
up at once, saying that it was impossible, because he (the father) was
dead.
=Reproving a Miser=
Lord Braco was his own factor and collected his own rents, in which
duties he is said to have been so rigorously exact that a farmer, being
one rent-day deficient in a single farthing, he caused him to trudge to
a considerable distance to procure that little sum before he would grant
a discharge. When the business was adjusted, the countryman said to his
lordship, "Now, Braco, I wad gie ye a shilling for a sight o' a' the
gowd and siller ye hae." "Weel, man," answered the miser, "it's no cost
ye ony mair"; and he exhibited to the farmer several iron boxes full of
gold and silver coin. "Now," said the farmer, "I'm as rich as yourself,
Braco." "Ay, man," said his lordship, "how can that be?" "Because I've
seen it," replied the countryman, "and ye can do nae mair."
=A Shrewd Reply=
Sir Walter Scott says that the alleged origin of the invention of cards
produced one of the shrewdest replies he had ever heard given in
evidence. It was by the late Dr. Gregory, of Edinburgh, to a counsel of
great eminence at the Scottish bar. The doctor's testimony went to prove
the insanity of the party whose mental capacity was the point at issue.
On a cross-interrogation he admitted that the person in question played
admirably at whist. "And do you seriously say, doctor," said the learned
counsel, "that a person having a superior capacity for a game so
difficult, and which requires in a pre-eminent degree, memory, judgment
and combination, can be at the same time deranged in his understanding?"
"I am no card player," said the doctor, with great address, "but I have
read in history that cards were invented for the amusement of an insane
king." The consequences of this reply were decisive.
=Two Good Memories=
A simple Highland girl, on her way home for the north, called as she
passed by Crieff upon an old master with whom she had formerly served.
Being kindly invited by him to share in the family dinner, and the usual
ceremony of asking a blessing having been gone through, the poor girl,
anxious to compliment, as she conceived, her ancient host, exclaimed:
"Ah, master, ye maun hae a grond memory, for that's the grace ye had
when I was wi' you seven years ago."
=Compensation=
A venerable Scotch minister used to say to any of his flock who were
laboring under affliction: "Time is short, and if your cross is heavy
you have not far to carry it."
=Fowls and Ducks!=
A Scotchman giving evidence at the bar of the House of Lords in the
affair of Captain Porteous, and telling of the variety of shot which was
fired upon that unhappy occasion, was asked by the Duke of Newcastle
what kind of shot it was? "Why," said the man in his broad dialect, "sic
as they shoot fools (fowls) wi' an' the like." "What kind of fools?"
asked the duke, smiling at the word. "Why, my lord, dukes (ducks) and
sic' kin' o' fools."
=Square-Headed=
A learned Scottish lawyer being just called to the Bench, sent for a new
tie-wig. The peruquier, on applying his apparatus in one direction was
observed to smile; upon which the judge desired to know what ludicrous
circumstance gave rise to his mirth? The barber replied that he could
not but remark the extreme _length_ of his honor's head. "That's well,"
said Lord S----, "we lawyers have occasion for _long heads_!" The
barber, who by this time had completed the dimensions, now burst out
into a fit of laughter; and an explanation being insisted on, at last
declared that he could not possibly contain himself when he discovered
that "_his lordship's head was just as thick as it was long_!"
=Refusing Information=
Two Scotchmen met the other day on one of the bridges of Glasgow, one of
them having in his hand a very handsome fowling-piece, when the
following dialogue ensued: "Ods, mon, but that's a bonny gun." "Ay, deed
is it." "Whaur did you get it?" "Owre by there." "And wha's it for?"
"D'ye ken the yeditor of the Glasgow _Herald_?" "Ou ay." "Weel, it's nae
for him."
=Sabbath Breaking=
The following anecdote is told in illustration of the Scotch veneration
for the Sabbath: A geologist, while in the country, and having his
pocket hammer with him, took it out and was chipping the rock by the
wayside for examination. His proceedings did not escape the quick eye
and ready tongue of an old Scotchwoman. "What are you doing there, man?"
"Don't you see? I'm breaking a stone." "Y'are doing mair than that;
y'are breaking the Sabbath."
=Highland Simplicity=
On one occasion a young girl fresh from the West Highlands came on a
visit to a sister she had residing in Glasgow. At the outskirts of the
town she stopped at a toll-bar, and began to rap smartly with her
knuckles on the gate. The keeper, amused at the girl's action, and
curious to know what she wanted, came out, when she very demurely
interrogated him as follows:
"Is this Glasco?"
"Yes."
"Is Peggy in?"
=The Fall of Adam and Its Consequences=
As might have been expected, perhaps, Dean Ramsay is especially copious
in clerical stories and those trenching on theological topics. He tells
us how a man who was asked what Adam was like, first described our
general forefather somewhat vaguely as "just like ither fouk." Being
pressed for a more special description, he likened him to a
horse-couper known to himself and the minister. "Why was Adam like that
horse-couper?" "Weel," replied the catechumen, "naebody got onything by
him, and mony lost."
=Remarkable Presence of Mind=
A well-known parsimonious Scottish professor was working one day in his
garden in his ordinary beggarlike attire, and was alarmed to see the
carriage of the great man of the parish whirling rapidly along the road
to his house. It was too late to attempt a retreat, and get himself put
in order to receive "my lord." To retreat was impossible; to remain
there and as he was, to be shamed and disgraced. With a promptitude
seldom or never surpassed, he struck his battered hat down on his
shoulders, drew up his hands into the sleeves of his ragged coat, stuck
out his arms at an acute angle, planted his legs far apart, and throwing
rigidity into all his form, stood thus in the potato ground, the very
beau-ideal of what in England is called a "scarecrow," in Scotland "a
potato-bogle," never suspected by the visitors as they drove up to the
front entrance, while he made for the back door to don his best suit.
=Beginning Life Where He Ought to Have Ended, and Vice Versa=
A worthy Scotch couple, when asked how their son had broken down so
early in life, gave the following explanation: "When we began life
together we worked hard and lived on porridge, and such like; gradually
adding to our comforts as our means improved, until we were able to dine
off a bit of roast beef, and sometimes a boiled chickie (chicken); but
Jack, our son, he worked backwards and began with the chickie first."
=How to Exterminate Old Thieves=
The humorous, but stern criminal judge, Lord Braxfield, had a favorite
maxim which he used frequently to repeat: "Hang a thief when he's young,
and he'll no steal when he's auld."
=A Sympathetic Hearer=
An old minister in the Cheviots used, when excited in the pulpit, to
raise his voice to a loud half-whimper, half-whine. One day a shepherd
had brought with him a young collie, who became so thrilled by the high
note of the preacher that he also broke out into a quaver so like the
other that the minister stopped short. "Put out that collie," he said,
angrily. The shepherd, equally angry, seized the animal by the neck, and
as he dragged him down the aisle, sent back the growling retort at the
pulpit, "It was yersel' begond it!"
=Ginger Ale=
A short time since, a bailie of Glasgow invited some of his
electioneering friends to a dinner, during which the champagne
circulated freely, and was much relished by the honest bodies; when one
of them, more fond of it than the rest, bawled out to the servant who
waited, "I say, Jock, gie us some mair o' that _ginger yill_, will ye?"
=A Conditional Promise=
At Hawick, the people used to wear wooden clogs, which made a _clanking_
noise on the pavement. A dying old woman had some friends by her
bedside, who said to her: "Weel, Jenny, ye are gaun to heaven, and gin
ye should see our folk, ye can tell them that we're all weel." To which
Jenny replied: "Weel, gin I should see them, I'se tell 'em. But you
maunna expect that I'se to gang clank, clanking thro heaven looking for
your folk."
=Scripture Examination=
An old schoolmaster, who usually heard his pupils once a week through
Watts' Scripture History, and afterwards asked them promiscuously such
questions as suggested themselves to his mind, one day desired a young
urchin to tell him who Jesse was; when the boy briskly replied, "The
Flower of Dunblane, sir."
=A Minor Major=
Lord Annandale, one of the Scotch judges, had a son, who, at the age of
eleven or twelve, rose to the rank of a major. One morning his lady
mother, hearing a noise in the _nursery_, rang to know the cause of it.
"It's only," said the servant, "the major greetin' (crying) for his
porridge!"
=A Cute Way of Getting an Old Account=
An old Scotch grave-digger was remonstrated with one day at a funeral
for making a serious over-charge for digging a grave. "Weel, ye see,
sir," said the old man, in explanation, making a motion with his thumb
towards the grave, "him and me had a bit o' a tift twa-three years syne
owre the head of a watch I selt him, an' I've never been able to get the
money oot o' him yet. 'Now,' says I to myself, 'this is my last chance,
an' I'll better tak' it.'"
="Hearers Only--Not Doers"=
Could anything be better than the improvement of a minister of Arran,
who was discoursing on the carelessness of his flock? "Brethren, when
you leave the church, just look down at the duke's swans; they are vera
bonny swans, an' they'll be sooming about an' dooking doon their heads
and laving theirsels wi' the clean water till they're a' drookit; then
you'll see them sooming to the shore, an' they'll gie their wings a bit
flap an' they're dry again. Now, my friends, you come here every
Sabbath, an' I lave you a' ower wi' the Gospel till you are fairly
drookit wi't. But you just gang awa hame, an' sit doon by your fireside,
gie your wings a bit flap, an' ye're as dry as ever again."
=The Chieftain and the Cabby=
The following story illustrates the disadvantage of having an article in
common use called after one's own name. The chief of the clan McIntosh
once had a dispute with a cabman about his fare. "Do you know who I
am?" indignantly exclaimed the Highlander; "I am the McIntosh."
"I don't care if you are an umbrella," replied the cabby; "I'll have my
rights."
=Not All Profit=
A humorous minister of Stirling, hearing that one of his hearers was
about to be married for the third time, said to him: "They tell me,
John, you are getting money wi' her; you did so on the last two
occasions; you'll get quite rich by your wives."
"'Deed, sir," quietly replied John, "what wi' bringin' them in and
puttin' them out, there's nae muckle be made of them."
=Pie, or Patience?=
A little Scotch boy, aged five, was taking dinner at his grandfather's
and had reached the dessert. "I want some pie," said young Angus.
"Have patience," said his grandmother.
"Which would you rather have, Angus," said grandfather; "patience or
pie?"
"Pie," replied Angus, emphatically.
"But then," said his grandfather, "there might not be any left for me."
"Well," said Angus, "you have some of patience."
=How to Treat a Surplus=
In a school in Aberdeenshire, one day, a dull boy was making his way to
his master for the third time with an arithmetical question. The
teacher, a little annoyed, exclaimed, "Come, come, John, what's the
matter now?"
"I canna get ma question richt," replied the boy.
"What's wrong with it, this time?"
"I've gotten auchteenpence ower muckle."
"Never mind," said a smart boy, in a loud whisper, with a sly glance at
the master, "keep it tae yersel', Jock."
=Landseer's Deadly Influence=
An amusing incident took place during one of Landseer's early visits to
Scotland. In the course of his journey he stopped at a village, and as
his habit was, took great notice of the many dogs, jotting down
sketches of such as took his fancy most. On the next day he continued
his journey. As he passed through the village, Landseer was surprised
and horrified to see dogs of all kinds, some of which he recognized,
hanging dead from trees or railings on every side. Presently he saw a
boy, who, with tears in his eyes, was hurrying a young pup towards the
river to drown it. He questioned the urchin, and to his surprise found
that the villagers looked upon him as an excise-officer, who was taking
notes of the dogs with a view to prosecute the owners of such as had not
paid their tax.
=Trying One Grave First=
An old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife who
was dying. She took him by the hand and said: "Weel, John, we're gowin'
to part. I have been a gude wife to you, John." "Oh, just middling,
Jenny, just middlin'," said John, not disposed to commit himself.
"John," says she, "ye maun promise to bury me in the auld kirkyard at
Str'avon, beside my mither. I could'na rest in peace among unco' folk,
in the dirt and smoke o' Glasgow." "Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said
John, soothingly, "we'll just try ye in Glasgow first, an' gin ye dinna
lie quiet, we'll try you in Str'avon." [8]
="Capital Punishment"--Modified=
Two Scotchmen, turning the corner of a street rather sharply, come into
collision. The shock was stunning to one of them. He pulled off his hat,
and, laying his hand on his forehead, said: "Sic a blow! My heed's a'
ringin' again!"
"Nae wonder," said his companion; "your head was aye empty--that makes
it ring. My heed disna ring a bit."
"How could it ring," said the other, "seeing it was crackit?"
=Matter More Than Manner=
Norman M'Leod was once preaching in a district in Ayrshire, where the
reading of a sermon is regarded as the greatest fault of which the
minister can be guilty. When the congregation dispersed an old woman,
overflowing with enthusiasm, addressed her neighbor. "Did ye ever hear
onything sae gran'? Wasna that a sermon?" But all her expressions of
admiration being met by a stolid glance, she shouted: "Speak, woman!
Wasna that a sermon?" "Ou ay," replied her friend sulkily; "but he read
it." "Read it!" said the other, with indignant emphasis. "I wadna care
if he had whistled it."
=Curious Use of a Word=
The word "honest" has in Scotland a peculiar application, irrespective
of any integrity of moral character. It is a kindly mode of referring to
an individual, as we would say to a stranger: "Honest man, would you
tell me the way to----?" or as Lord Hermand, when about to sentence a
woman for stealing, began remonstratively; "Honest woman, what gar'd ye
steal your neighbor's tub?"
=Finding Work for His Class, While He Dined=
A clergyman in Scotland, who had appointed a day for the catechising of
some of his congregation, happened to receive an invitation to dinner
for the same day, and having forgotten his previous engagement, he
accepted it. Just as he was mounting his gig to depart, he perceived the
first of his class entering his garden, and the remainder coming over
the hill, and at once became aware of the mistake he had made. Here was
a fix. But the minister's ready wit soon came to his assistance.
"What have you come for, John?" he asked, addressing the first comer.
"An' dee ye no' remember, sir, ye bade us come to be catecheesed?"
"Ou, ay; weel, no' to keep ye going further, John, was it a hoorned coo
or a hemmel that Noah took into the ark?"
"'Deed, sir, I canna tell."
"Weel, turn back and ask the ither folk the same question, and if they
canna answer it, bid them go home and find oot."
=The Value of a Laugh in Sickness=
Dr. Patrick Scougal, a Scottish bishop, in the seventeenth century,
being earnestly sought by an old woman to visit her sick cow, the
prelate, after many remonstrances, reluctantly consented, and, walking
round the beast, said gravely, "If she live, she live; and if she die,
she die; and I can do nae mair for her." Not long afterwards, he was
dangerously afflicted with a quinsy in the throat; hereupon the old
woman, having got access to his chamber, walked round his bed repeating
the same words which the bishop had pronounced when walking round the
cow, and which she believed had cured the animal. At this extraordinary
sight the bishop was seized with a fit of laughter, which burst the
quinsy, and saved his life.
=Why Israel Made a Golden Calf=
The following answer from a little girl was shrewd and reflective. The
question was: "Why did the Israelites make a golden calf?"
"They hadna as muckle siller as would mak' a _coo'_." [9]
=An Economical Preacher's Bad Memory=
A parochial incumbent, whose scene of labor some years ago bordered on
the Strath of Blain, was blamed for having an erroneous opinion of the
memories of his hearers, insomuch as he frequently entertained them with
"could kail hot again," in the shape of sermons that he had previously
given. On one occasion his own memory allowed him to make a slip, and
only one Sabbath elapsed between the giving of the sermon the second
time. After the dismissal of the congregation, the beadle remarked to
him, "I hae often heard ye blamed, sir, for gein' us auld sermons; but
they'll surely no' say that o' the ane ye gied them this afternoon, for
its just a fortnicht sin' they heard it afore in the same place." [8]
=Sharpening His Teeth=
An English gentleman, traveling in the Highlands, being rather late in
coming down to dinner, Donald was sent upstairs to intimate all was
ready. He speedily returned, nodding significantly, as much as to say it
was all right.
"But, Donald," said his master, after some further trial of a hungry
man's patience, "are ye sure ye made the gentleman understand?"
"_Understand!_" retorted Donald (who had peeped into the room and found
the guest engaged at his toilet); "I'se warrant ye he understands; he's
_sharpening_ his teeth--" not supposing the toothbrush could be of any
other use.
=Droll Solemnity=
An old maid of Scotland, after reading aloud to her two sisters, also
unmarried, the births, marriages, and deaths, in the ladies' corner of a
newspaper, thus moralized: "Weel, weel, these are solemn events, death
and marriage: but ye ken they're what we must a' come to."
"Eh, Miss Jenny, but ye have been lang spared!" was the reply of the
youngest sister.
=Matrimony a Cure for Blindness=
An example of this truth is given in the case of a sly old Scotchman
who, on marrying a very young wife, was rallied by his friends on the
inequality of their ages.
"She will be near me," he replied, "to close my een."
"Weel," remarked another party, "I've had twa wives, and they _opened_
my een."
=Plain Speaking=
"I was at the manse the ither day," said the precentor to an old crony,
"an' the minister and me got on the crack. He says to me: 'Jim,' says
he, 'I'm very sorry to tell you that I must advise you to give up your
post, for there are several people complaining that you cannot sing!'
"'Weel, sir,' said I, 'I dinna think you should be in sic a hurry to
advise me. I've been telt a dizzen times ye canna preach, but I never
advised ye to gie up your place.'
"I saw he was vexed, so I jist said: 'Ne'er heed, sir; the fules'll hae
to hear us till we think fit to stop.'"
=Trying to Shift the Job=
A country laird, at his death, left his property in equal shares to his
two sons, who continued to live very amicably together for many years.
At length one said to the other: "Sam, we're getting auld now; you'll
tak' a wife, and when I dee ye'll get my share o' the grund."
"Na, John; you're the youngest and maist active; you'll tak' a wife, and
when I dee you'll get my share."
"Od!" says John; "Sam, that's just the way with you when there's any
_fash or trouble_. There's naething you'll do at a'."
=A New Explanation of an Extra Charge=
The following story is told of a distinguished Edinburgh professor:
Desiring to go to church one wet Sunday, he hired a cab. On reaching the
church door he tendered a shilling--the legal fare--to cabby, and was
somewhat surprised to hear the cabman say: "Twa shillin', sir." The
professor, fixing his eye on the extortioner, demanded why he charged
two shillings, upon which the cabman dryly answered: "We wish to
discourage traveling on the Sabbath as much as possible, sir."
=National Thrift Exemplified=
Nowadays, when we hear that patients are beginning to question whether
they are bound to pay their doctors or not unless a cure has been
effected, the following anecdote of a cautious Scotchman may serve as a
useful hint: A poor old man had been some time ill, but refused to have
advice, dreading the doctor's bill. At last he gave in to the repeated
requests of his family, and sent for the doctor. On his arrival, the old
man greeted him with: "Noo, doctor, if ye dinna think I am worth
repairing, dinna put much expense on me." The doctor, finding him worth
repairing, soon set him on his legs again, and the old man considered
his bargain a good one.
=New Use for a "Cosy"=
A newly-married lady, displaying her wedding presents to an old Highland
servant-maid, shows a fancy tea-cosy.
_Servant Maid_: "That'll be a bonny present."
_Lady_: "It is, indeed."
_Servant Maid_: "Ay, an' you'll pe shurely wear this at a crand party?"
=Mending Matters=
"Had you the audacity, John," said a Scottish laird to his servant, "to
go and tell some people that I was a mean fellow, and no gentleman?"
"Na, na," was the candid answer; "you'll no catch me at the like o'
that. I aye keep my thoughts to mysel'."
=Degrees of Capacity=
Francis Jeffrey was an example of a man who had acquired an artificial
style and language, suitable only for printed books and a small circle
of friends and associates in Edinburgh. His diction and pronunciation
were unintelligible to the bulk of his countrymen, and offensive and
ridiculous in the House of Commons. His weight in his party, his great
intelligence, and the affection of his friends, could not prevent him
from failing in Parliament. An amusing illustration is given by an
acquaintance of the contrast between him and his friend Henry Cockburn,
in the examination of a witness. The trial turned upon the intellectual
competency of a testator. Jeffrey asked a witness, a plain countryman,
whether the testator was a man of "intellectual capacity?--an
intellectual, shrewd man?--a man of capacity?--had he ordinary mental
endowments?"
"What d'ye mean, sir?"
"I mean," replied Jeffrey, testily, "was the man of sufficient ordinary
intelligence to qualify him to manage his own affairs?"
"I dinna ken," replied the chafed and mystified witness; "Wad ye say the
question ower again, sir?"
Jeffrey being baffled, Cockburn took up the examination. He said: "Ye
kenned Tammas----?"
"Ou, ay; I kenned Tammas weel; me and him herded together when we were
laddies."
"Was there onything in the cretur?"
"Deil a thing but what the spune put in him."
"Would you have trusted him to sell a cow for you?"
"A cow! I wadna lippened him to sell a calf."
Francis Jeffrey could not, if he had devoted an article in the
_Edinburgh Review_ to the subject, have given a more exact measurement
than was presented in few words of the capacity of the testator to
manage his own affairs.
="Invisible and Incomprehensible"=
_First Scot_: "Fat sort o' minister hae ye gotten, Geordie?"
_Second Scot_: "Oh, weel; he's no muckle worth. We seldom get a glint o'
him; six days o' th' week he's envees'ble, and on the seventh he's
encomprehens'ble."
=Fetching His "Character"=
At a Scotch fair a farmer was trying to engage a lad to assist on the
farm, but would not finish the bargain until he brought a character from
the last place, so he said: "Run and get it, and meet me at the cross,
at four o'clock."
The youth was up to time, and the farmer said, "Well, have you got your
character with you?"
"Na," replied the youth; "but I've got yours, an' I'm no comin'."
=Scottish Negativeness=
If you remark to an old Scotchman that "It's a good day," his usual
reply is, "Aweel, sir, I've seen waur." Such a man does not say his wife
is an excellent woman. He says, "She's no' a bad body." A buxom lass,
smartly dressed, is "No' sae vera unpurposelike." The richest and rarest
viands are "No' sae bad." The best acting and the best singing are
designated as "No' bad." A man noted for his benevolence is "No' the
warst man in the worilt." A Scotchman is always afraid of expressing
unqualified praise. He suspects if he did so it would tend to spoil the
object of his laudations, if a person, male or female, old or young; or,
if that object were a song, a picture, a piece of work, a landscape, or
such, that those who heard him speak so highly of it would think he had
never in his life seen or heard anything better, which would be an
imputation on his knowledge of things. "_Nil Admirari_" is not exactly
the motto of the normal Scotchman. He is quite ready to admire admirable
things, but yet loath to admit it, only by inference, that he had never
witnessed or experienced anything better. Indeed, he has always
something of the like kind which he can quote to show that the person,
place or thing in question is only comparatively good, great, clever,
beautiful, or grand. Then, when anybody makes a remark, however novel,
that squares with a Scotchman's ideas, he will say, "That's just what
I've offen thoucht!" "That's exactly ma way of thinking!" "That's just
what I aye say!" "That's just what I was actually on the point o'
saying!"
=Either Too Fast or Too Slow=
An artist, returning from a sketching tour in Arran, was crossing the
mountains on his way back to catch the early steamer for Brodick. His
watch had stopped, so he could not form an idea of the time of day. To
his joy he met a shepherd, of whom he inquired the hour. The native,
pulling out his watch, replied: "Sir, it will shoost pe five o'clock on
my wee watchy; but whether she'll be two oors too slow, or two oors too
fast, I dinna ken."
=A Highland Servant Girl and the Kitchen Bell=
Some years ago a lady engaged a domestic servant from the Highlands. In
the evening the lady wanted supper brought in, so she rang the bell.
Not getting any answer, she repeated the summons, but with the same
effect. She then proceeded to the kitchen, where to her amazement she
found the servant almost convulsed with laughter. She pointed to the
bell and exclaimed: "As sure's I leeve I never touched it, an' its
waggin' yet!"
=Not Necessarily Out of His Depth=
In Scotland the topic of a sermon, or discourse is called by
old-fashioned folk "its ground," or, as they would say, "its grund." An
old woman, bustling into kirk rather late, found the preacher had
commenced, and opening her Bible, nudged her next neighbor, with the
inquiry: "What's the grund?"
"Oh," rejoined the other, who happened to be a brother minister, and
therefore a privileged critic, "he's lost his grund long since, and he's
just swimming."
=Scotch Literalness=
"You must beware," says Charles Lamb, "of indirect expressions before a
Caledonian. I have a print, a graceful female, after Leonardo da Vinci,
which I was showing off to Mr. ----. After he had examined it, I asked
him how he liked 'my beauty' (a name it goes by among my friends), when
he very gravely assured me that he 'had very considerable respect for my
character and talents'--so he was pleased to say--'but had not given
himself much thought for the degree of my personal pretensions.'"
=A Scotch "Native"=
"Are you a native of this parish?" asked a Scotch sheriff of a witness
who was summoned to testify in a case of illicit distilling.
"Maistly, yer honor," was the reply.
"I mean, were you born in this parish?"
"Na, yer honor; I wasna born in this parish, but I'm maist a native for
a' that."
"You come here when you were a child, I suppose you mean?" said the
sheriff.
"Na, sir, I'm just here about sax year, noo."
"Then how do you come to be nearly a native of this parish?"
"Weel, ye see, whan I cam' here, sax year sin', I jist weighed eight
stane, an' I'm fully seventeen stane noo; sae ye see that about nine
stane a' me belangs to this parish an' the ither eight comes frae
Camlachie."
="A Call to a Wider Sphere"=
An old Highland clergyman, who had received several calls to parishes,
asked his servant where he should go. His servant said: "Go where there
is most sin, sir."
The preacher concluded that good advice, and went where there was most
money.
=Why Janet Slept During Her Pastor's Sermon=
Dean Ramsay tells the following quaint story of Scotch life:
There was a worthy old woman at Cults, whose place in church was what is
commonly called the lateran--a kind of senate gallery at the top of the
pulpit stairs. She was a most regular attendant, but as regularly fell
asleep during the sermon, of which fault the preacher had sometimes
audible intimation.
It was observed, however, that though Janet slept during her own
pastor's discourse, she could be attentive enough when she pleased, and
especially was she alert when some young preacher occupied the pulpit. A
little piqued at this, Mr. Gillespie said to her one day: "Janet, I
think you hardly behave respectfully to your own minister in one
matter."
"Me, sir?" exclaimed Janet; "I would like to see ony mon, no' to say
woman, but yoursel', say that o' me! What can you mean, sir?"
"Weel, Janet, ye ken when I preach you're almost always fast asleep
before I've given out my text, but when any of these young men from St.
Andrew's preach for me, I see you never sleep a wink. Now, that's what I
call no' using me as you should do."
"Hoot, sir," was the reply, "is that a'? I'll soon tell you the reason
of that. When you preach, we a' ken the word o' God's safe in your
hands; but when they young birkies tak it in haun, my certie, but it
tak's us a' to look after them." [7]
=Spinning it Out=
As a verbose preacher was addressing the congregation on a certain
occasion, one by one of his officials dropped out of the church into the
vestry. As the last one who left put his head into the vestry, those who
had preceded him inquired if the prolix speaker had not finished his
address. "Well," said he, "his tow's dune lang syne, but he's aye
spinnin' awa' yet."
=A Wife's Protection=
"Wake up, wake up; there's a man in the house!" cried Mrs. Macdougal to
her husband the other night. Mac rolled out of bed and grasped his
revolver, and opened the door to sally forth for the robber. Then,
turning to his wife, he said: "Come, Maggie, and lead the way. It's a
cowardly man that would hurt a woman."
=Scotch Provincialism=
A gentleman from Aberdeen was awoke one night lately in an hotel in
Princes Street by an alarm of fire. Upon going to the window, he called
out, "Watchman, far eist?" (Where is it?). The watchman thanked him and
went to the Register Office, where he found he was going in the wrong
direction and returned. On repassing the hotel, he was again called to
by the Aberdonian, who bawled out, "Watchman, far was't?" (Where was
it?) On looking up to him, the watchman replied, "Ye're a leein'
scoonril; ye first tell'd me it was far east, an' noo ye say it's far
west; but I tell ye it's neither e' tane or e' tither, cause it's ower
i' e' Coogate."
=More Polite than Some Smokers=
The other day a man who indulged in "the weed," took a seat in a
carriage set apart for smokers on the Tynemouth line. He lost no time in
getting up a cloud, and whilst puffing away he was accosted by a decent
elderly female sitting in an opposite corner.
"Is this a smokin' carriage, sor?"
"Yes, good woman," he replied; "but if my pipe annoys you" (obligingly
taking it from his lips), "I'll put it out."
"No, hinny," said she, drawing a well-used "cutty" from beneath her
shawl; "aa's gawin' to hev a pipe mesel'!"
=The Fly-fisher and the Highland Lassie=
An English tourist visited Arran, and being a keen disciple of Isaac
Walton, was arranging to have a good day's sport. Being told that the
horse-fly would suit his purpose admirably for bait, he addressed
himself to Christy, the Highland servant-maid. "I say, my girl, can you
get me some horse-flies?"
Christy looked stupid, and he repeated his question. Finding that she
did not yet comprehend him, he exclaimed: "Why, girl, did you never see
a horse-fly?"
"Naa, Sir," said the girl; "but a wanse saw a coo jump over a
preshipice."
=Not at Home=
One evening, John Clerk (Lord Eldon) had been dipping rather too freely
in the convivial bowl with a friend in Queen Street, and on emerging
into the open air, his intellect became to a considerable extent
confused, and not being able to distinguish objects with any degree of
minuteness or certainty, he thought himself in a fair way of losing the
road to his own house in Picardy Place. In this perplexity he espied
some one coming towards him, whom he stopped with this query: "D'ye ken
whaur John Clerk bides?"
"What's the use o' your speerin' that question?" said the man; "you're
John Clerk himsel'."
"I ken that," said John; "but it's no himsel' that's wanted--it's his
house."
=Faring Alike=
_First Scotch Boatman_: "Weel, Geordie, how got ye on the day?"
_Second Ditto_ (_droughty--he had been out with a Free Kirk minister, a
strict abstainer_): "Nae ava. The auld carle had nae whusky, sae I took
him where there was nae fush!"
="Saddling the Ass"=
Dr. Guthrie, in the course of an address in the New Free College,
remarked that he was often annoyed and vexed beyond measure to find
discourses of the ablest character murdered and massacred by a wretched
delivery. Some ministers appeared to have a habit of emphasizing every
third word or so; and he would tell them an anecdote which he had heard
to illustrate the importance of correct reading. A minister once reading
I Kings xiii: 13, read it thus: "And the prophet said unto his sons,
_Saddle me the ass_. So they saddled _him_, the ass."
=An Open Question=
A Scottish minister, being one day engaged in visiting some members of
his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could
not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little
he opened the door and walked in, saying with an authoritative voice, "I
should like to know who is head of this house?" "Weel, sir," said the
husband and father, "if ye sit down a wee, we'll maybe be able to tell
ye, for we're just trying to settle that point."
=Domestics in By-gone Days=
Dean Ramsay records the following anecdote in his "Reminiscences of
Scottish Life and Character": The charge these old domestics used to
take in the interests of the family, and the cool way in which they took
upon them to protect those interests, sometimes led to very provoking
and sometimes to a very ludicrous exhibition of importance. A friend
told me of a dinner scene il
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