Ten Thousand a-Year. Volume 3.
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Title: Ten Thousand a-Year. Volume 3.
Author: Samuel Warren
Release date: October 30, 2012 [eBook #41247]
Most recently updated: October 23, 2024
Language: English
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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TEN THOUSAND A-YEAR. VOLUME 3. ***
TEN THOUSAND A-YEAR.
TEN
THOUSAND A-YEAR.
BY
SAMUEL WARREN, F.R.S.
VOL. III.
BOSTON:
LITTLE, BROWN, AND COMPANY.
1900.
University Press:
JOHN WILSON AND SON, CAMBRIDGE.
CONTENTS TO VOL. III.
CHAP. PAGE
I. The great game at chess, between Mr. Gammon and Mr.
Crafty, which typifies an English election, and how
it is lost and won.--The day of battle arrives 1
II. The fight waxes hot; and after surprising fluctuation,
a glorious victory is gained.--Serious incidents for
the consideration of the victors, who have also to
fight another battle on new ground.--Mr. Titmouse
acquires sudden distinction in the House of
Commons.--Mr. Titmouse becomes a Fellow of the
Credulous Society, under the auspices of Dr. Diabolus
Gander, performs scientific experiments in the
streets at night, and saves the Ministry 43
III. Lady Cecilia is married to Mr. Titmouse; and the Earl
enters, under Mr. Gammon's auspices, on an adventurous
career.--An affecting letter of Lady
Cecilia Titmouse.--A deadly struggle between a
snake and an ape 124
IV. Mr. Gammon offers his hand and heart to Miss Aubrey.
An exciting love scene in which Kate behaves
with great propriety.--Mr. Gammon's skilful
manœuvres to crush Mr. Aubrey; and they seem
seconded by fate 173
V. Mr. Aubrey disregards Gammon's advice, and becomes
the guest of Mr. Grab.--Mr. Gammon's profound
strategies 218
VI. Kate communicates a secret told her by Mr. Gammon,
who secures her brother a night with Mr.
Vice.--Kate's diamond necklace; Mr. Runnington's
munificence; Lady Stratton's £15,000 policy, which
Gammon angles for 260
VII. The descent of the Vulture; and other matters of moment
to Gammon.--The Artificial-Rain Company
evaporates; and a remarkable scene between Mr.
Gammon and the Earl of Dreddlington 295
VIII. The Earl of Dreddlington's bed-side; and Gammon's
interview with the Duke of Tantallan.--Lord De la
Zouch comes on the scene again; an Attorney-General's
suggestion; and Gammon frightened by his
own proctor.--Lord De la Zouch with the Aubreys 338
IX. Mr. Gammon with the Earl of Dreddlington, whose
intellect melts away before him. Mr. Gammon
getting into deep waters and dragging his great
friends after him.--What moles in the ecclesiastical
court can do under ground 378
X. Glances of daylight into a glen of fraud, and reptiles
seen wriggling about in alarm.--What is Gammon
to do?--Mr. Titmouse makes an equitable proposal
to Kate Aubrey.--The scorpion in the fiery circle.
Mr. Gammon's skilful exit 412
XI. The Earl of Dreddlington's bankruptcy and death;
and Lord Drelincourt appears on the scene.--Mudflint,
Woodlouse, and Bloodsuck in a bad way; and
Sir Harkaway's awkward position 455
XII. Mr. Titmouse on his last legs.--Mr. Tag-rag's final
adventures; a sudden glimpse of Gammon again;
and the last of Mr. Quirk.--True nobility; Yatton
itself again; and Kate Aubrey's disappearance 488
NOTES 537
TEN THOUSAND A-YEAR.
CHAPTER I.
There had not been a contested election at Yatton, till the present one
between Mr. Delamere and Mr. Titmouse, for a long series of years; its
two members having been, till then, owing to the smallness of the
constituency, their comparative unanimity of political sentiment, and
the dominant influence of the Yatton family, returned, pretty nearly, as
a matter of course. When, therefore, quiet little Yatton (for such it
was, albeit politically enlarged by the new Act) became the scene of so
sudden and hot a contest as that which I am going to describe, and under
such novel and exciting circumstances, it seemed in a manner quite
beside itself. The walls were everywhere covered with glaring
placards--red, blue, green, yellow, white, purple--judiciously designed
to stimulate the electors into a calm and intelligent exercise of their
important functions. Here are the inscriptions upon a few of them:--
"VOTE for TITMOUSE, the MAN of the PEOPLE!"
"TITMOUSE and CIVIL and RELIGIOUS LIBERTY!"
"TITMOUSE and CHEAP ALE!"
"TITMOUSE and PURITY of ELECTION!"
"TITMOUSE and NEGRO EMANCIPATION!"
"VOTE for TITMOUSE and NO MISTAKE!"
"TITMOUSE and QUARTERLY PARLIAMENTS, VOTE BY BALLOT,
and UNIVERSAL SUFFRAGE!"
['Twas thus that the name of my little friend, like that of many others
of his species, was attached to great public questions, somewhat after
the manner of a kettle tied to a dog's tail!]
But others were to be met with of a more elaborate and impressive
character.
"Electors of Yatton!! Be not deceived!!! The enemy is among you!
Do you wish to reap the full fruits of the glorious boon lately
conferred on you? Rush to the poll, and VOTE for TITMOUSE. Do you
wish to see them torn from your grasp by a selfish and arrogant
aristocracy? _Get a pair of handcuffs_, and go and vote for--MR.
DELAMERE!!!!
"QUÆRE. If a _certain Boroughmongering Peer_ should command his son
to vote for the REPEAL of the Great Bill which enfranchised the
inhabitants of Grilston, Succombe, and Warkleigh--would not that
son obey him? _How would this be_, MR. DELAMERE?"
'Twas not, to give the devil his due, Mr. Titmouse's fault that his
placards did not contain many vulgar personalities against his opponent;
but owing entirely to Mr. Gammon's want of the requisite wit and spirit.
That gentleman felt, in fact, that such a candidate as Mr. Delamere
afforded but few salient points of attack, in respect either of his
person, his position in society, or his conduct. He also, by the way,
had his placards:--
"VOTE for DELAMERE!"
"DELAMERE and INDEPENDENCE!"
"VOTE for DELAMERE the FARMER'S FRIEND!"
"DELAMERE and the CONSTITUTION IN CHURCH AND STATE!"
Both the candidates established their headquarters at Grilston; Mr.
Delamere at the "_Hare and Hounds_" Inn, Mr. Titmouse at the
"_Woodlouse_." Over the bow-window of the former streamed a noble blue
banner, with an emblazonment of the Bible and Crown, and the words,
"CHURCH, KING, and CONSTITUTION--OLD ENGLAND FOREVER!" Over the latter
hung an immense yellow banner, with three stars, thus:--
+-------------------------------+
| |
| PEACE! RETRENCHMENT!! |
| * * |
| * |
| REFORM!!! |
| |
+-------------------------------+
(being the, "Three Polar Stars" spoken of in Mr. Titmouse's Address,)
and the words--"PEACE! RETRENCHMENT!! REFORM!!!" in immense gilt
letters. The walls and windows of each were, moreover, covered with
varicolored placards--but I shall not weary the reader by attempting to
describe in detail the humors of a country election, which have
employed, already, thousands of able and graphic pens and pencils.
Surely, what else are they than the sticks and straws which float along
the eddying and roughened surface? The whole mass of water is moving
along; and our object should be rather to discover its depth, force, and
direction. Principles are in conflict; the fate of the nation is, in a
measure, involved in a popular election. Such matters as I have alluded
to, are but the laughable devices resorted to, in order to delude the
grinning vulgar, and disguise the movements of those calm and
calculating persons who are playing the deep game of politics. Under
cover of a ludicrous hubbub, might be observed, for instance, in this
little borough--subject to certain petty local disturbing forces--a
deadly struggle for ascendency between the monarchical and the
democratical principle; between rampant innovation and obstinate
immobility; between the wealthy few and the many poor; between property
and ability. If anything like this _were_ the case, how many of the
electors--new or old--of Yatton--(who may perhaps be compared to
chessmen in the hands of long-headed players)--knew any more about the
matter than a private soldier at Waterloo thought of, comprehended, or
appreciated, the complicated and mighty schemes of a Wellington or
Napoleon, whose bidding he was doing, or of the prodigious consequences
attached to the success or failure of either? Some people talk
vehemently about the "paramount necessity for educating the lower
classes." It is, indeed, of incalculable importance that they should be
instructed; but is it not of still greater importance that the UPPER
CLASSES should be instructed, if only on account of their being the
holders of that PROPERTY, in greater or less proportions, with its
inseparable power and influence, which, directly or indirectly,
determines all the movements of the state? Could universal suffrage be
supposed to exist consistently with the preservation of social order--of
society--it would still be impossible to extirpate or effectually to
counteract the influence of property, in whose hands soever it might be
placed. Pluck out of the vilest of the bellowing bullies surrounding the
hustings, him (of course a non-elector) most conspicuous for his
insolence and brutality; imagine him suddenly or gradually become the
owner of a great, or a small property, with the influence it gives him
over customers, tenants, dependents: do you suppose that he will not at
once, either gently or roughly, according to his temper, begin to
exercise his power, (that which is so dear to the heart of man,) by
dictating the exercise of the elective franchise on behalf of those
political opinions which he may happen to favor? Is not THIS the man to
instruct, and the better in proportion to the extent of his real
influence? Except in those brief and horrid intervals of social
convulsion, in which [Greek: dika kai panta palin strepetai], however
popularized and extended may apparently be the system of electing
parliamentary representatives, those who really return members to
Parliament will--whether themselves actually electors or not, and
whether directly or indirectly--be the holders of property, in villages,
in towns, in cities, in boroughs and counties. The influence of property
is, in truth, inevitable as that of gravitation: and losing sight of
this, people may split their heads in vain, and chatter till the arrival
of the Greek kalends, about extending farther and farther the elective
franchise, shortening Parliaments, and voting by ballot. Whether it
_ought_ to be so, signifies little, when we know that it is, and _will_
be so:--but now it is time to return to the Yatton election; and if I be
but this once forgiven, I will not diverge again in a hurry from the
main course of events.
Lord De la Zouch, who resided some eight or ten miles from Yatton, soon
discovered, as also did sundry other able and experienced electioneering
friends, taking an interest in his son's success, that the movements of
the enemy were directed by a strong and skilful hand; and which never
could be that of--_Mr. Titmouse_. However slight and faint may be the
hopes of success with which a man enters into an interesting and
important undertaking, they very soon begin to increase and brighten
with eager action; and it was so with Lord De la Zouch. He was not long
in tracing the powerful, but cautiously concealed agency of our friend
Mr. Gammon. One or two such dangerous and artful snares were detected by
the watchful and practised eyes of his Lordship and his friends, just in
time to prevent Delamere from being seriously compromised, as satisfied
them that good Mr. Parkinson, with all his bustle, energy, and
heartiness, was dreadfully overmatched by his astute opponent, Mr.
Gammon; and that in the hands of Mr. Parkinson, the contest would
become, so far as Delamere was concerned, a painful and ridiculous
farce. A council of war, therefore, was called at Fotheringham Castle;
the result of which was an express being sent off to London, to bring
down immediately a first-rate electioneering agent--MR. CRAFTY--and
place in his hands the entire management of Mr. Delamere's cause. Mr.
Crafty was between forty and forty-five years old. His figure, of middle
height, was very spare. He was always dressed in a plain suit of black,
with white neckerchief, and no shirt-collar; yet no one that knew the
world could mistake him for a dissenting minister!--He was very calm and
phlegmatic in his manner and movements--there was not a particle of
passion or feeling in his composition. He was a mere _thinking machine_,
in exquisite order. He was of marvellous few words. His face was thin
and angular. His chin and temples formed an isosceles triangle; his chin
being very peaked, and his forehead broad. His hair was dark, and cut
almost as close as that of a foot-soldier--and this it was which helped
to give his countenance that expression, both quaint and unaffected,
which, once observed, was not likely to be soon forgotten. His eye was
blue, and intensely cold and bright--his complexion fresh; he had no
whiskers; there was a touch of sarcasm about the corners of his mouth.
Everything about him bespoke a man cold, cautious, acute,
matter-of-fact. "_Business_" was written all over his face. He had
devoted himself to electioneering tactics; and he might be said to have
reduced them, indeed, to a science. No one could say whether he was of
Whig or Tory politics; my impression is, that he cared not a straw for
either.--This, then, was the man who was to be pitted against Gammon:
and these two gentlemen may perhaps be looked upon as the real
_players_, whose _backers_ were--Delamere and Titmouse.
Mr. Crafty soon made his appearance at Yatton; and seemed, in a manner,
to have dropped into Mr. Delamere's committee-room from the clouds. His
presence did not appear _quite_ unexpected; yet no one seemed to know
why, whence, or at whose instance he had come. He never went near
Fotheringham, nor ever mentioned the name of its noble owner, who
(between ourselves) contemplated the accession of Crafty with feelings
of calm exultation and confidence. Mr. Delamere's "_committee_" was
instantly disbanded, and no new one named. In fact, _there was to be
none at all_; and Mr. Titmouse's friends were, for a while, led to
believe that the enemy were already beginning to beat a retreat. A quiet
banker at Grilston, and a hard-headed land-surveyor and agent of the
same place, were alone apparently taken into Mr. Crafty's confidence.
Mr. Parkinson, even, was sent to the right about; and his rising pique
and anger were suddenly quelled by the steadfast and significant look
with which Mr. Crafty observed, in dismissing him--"_It won't do_."
Adjoining, and opening into the large room in which, till Mr. Crafty's
arrival, Mr. Delamere's committee had been sitting, was a very small
one; and in it Mr. Crafty established his headquarters. He came,
accompanied--though no one for a while knew it--by three of his
familiars; right trusty persons, in sooth! One of them always sat on a
chair, at the outside of the door leading into Mr. Crafty's room, over
which he kept guard as a sentinel. The other two disposed themselves
according to orders. Mr. Gammon soon _felt_ the presence of his secret
and formidable opponent, in the total change--the quiet system--that
became all of a sudden apparent in the enemy's tactics: his watchful eye
and quick perception detected, here and there, the faint vanishing
traces of a sly and stealthy foot--the evidences of experienced skill;
and one morning early he caught a glimpse of Mr. Crafty, (with whose
name and fame he was familiar,) and returned home with a grave
consciousness that the contest had become one exceedingly serious;
that--so to speak--he must instantly spread out every stitch of canvas
to overtake the enemy. In short, he made up his mind for mischief, as
soon as he gave Lord De la Zouch credit for being _resolved to win_; and
felt the necessity for acting with equal caution and decision. During
that day he obtained an advance from a neighboring banker of two
thousand pounds, on the security of a deposit of a portion of the
title-deeds of the Yatton property. He had, indeed, occasion for great
resources, personal as well as pecuniary; for instance--he had reason to
believe that the enemy had already penetrated to his stronghold, the
QUAINT CLUB at Grilston, (for that was the name of the club into which
the one hundred and nine new voters at Grilston had formed themselves.)
Though Gammon had agreed, after much negotiation, to buy them at the
very liberal sum of ten pounds a-head, he had reason, shortly after the
arrival of Mr. Crafty, to believe that they had been tampered with; for,
as he was late one evening moodily walking up to the Hall, he overtook,
in the park, a man whose person he did not at first recognize in the
darkness, but whose fearfully significant motions soon insured him
recognition. It was, in fact, the man who had hitherto treated with him
on behalf of the Quaint Club; one Benjamin Bran, (commonly called _Ben
Bran_,) a squat, bow-legged baker of Grilston. He uttered not a word,
nor did Mr. Gammon; but, on being recognized, simply held up to that
gentleman his two outstretched hands, _twice_, with a significant and
inquiring look. Gammon gazed at him for a moment with fury; and
muttering--"to-morrow--here--same hour!" hurried on to the Hall in a
state of the utmost perplexity and alarm. The dilemma in which he felt
himself, kept him awake half the night! When once, indeed, you come to
_this sort of work_, you are apt to give your opponent credit for deeper
manœuvring than you can at the time fully appreciate; and the fate
of the battle may soon be rendered really doubtful. Then,
everything--inclusive of serious consequences, extending far beyond the
mere result of the election--depends upon the skill, temper, and
experience of the real and responsible directors of the election. Was
Ben Bran's appearance a move on the part of Crafty? Had that gentleman
bought him over and converted him into a spy--was he now playing the
traitor? Or was the purse of Titmouse to be _bonâ fide_ measured against
that of Lord De la Zouch? _That would be dreadful!_ Gammon felt (to
compare him for a moment to an animal with which he had some kindred
qualities) much like a cat on a very high wall, topped with broken
glass, afraid to stir in any direction, and yet unable to continue where
he was. While the two candidates, attended by their sounding bands, and
civil and smiling friends, were making their public demonstrations and
canvassing the electors, as if thereby they exercised the slightest
possible influence over one single voter on either side; as I have
already intimated, the battle was being fought by two calm and crafty
heads, in two snug and quiet little rooms in Grilston--one at the Hare
and Hounds, the other at the Woodlouse Inn; of course, I mean Mr.
Crafty, and Mr. Gammon. The former within a very few hours saw that the
issue of the struggle lay with the Quaint Club; and from one of his
trusty emissaries--a man whom no one ever saw in communication with him,
who was a mere stranger in Grilston, indifferent as to the result of the
election, but delighting in its frolics; who was peculiarly apt to get
sooner drunk than any one he drank with--Mr. Crafty ascertained, that
though the enlightened members of the Quaint Club had certainly formed a
predilection for the principles of Mr. Titmouse, yet they possessed a
candor which disposed them to hear all that might be advanced in favor
of the principles of his opponent.
Mr. Crafty's first step was to ascertain what had been already done or
attempted on behalf of Mr. Delamere, and also of Mr. Titmouse; then the
exact number of the voters, whom he carefully classified. He found that
there were exactly four hundred who might be expected to poll; the new
electors amounting in number to one hundred and sixty, the old ones to
two hundred and forty, and principally scot-and-lot voters. In due time
he ascertained, that of the former class only _thirty-six_ could be
relied upon for Mr. Delamere. The tenants of the Yatton property within
the borough amounted to one hundred and fifteen. They had been canvassed
by Mr. Delamere and his friends with great delicacy; and twenty-three of
them had voluntarily pledged themselves to vote for him, and risk all
consequences; intimating that they hated and despised their new landlord
as much as they had loved their old one, whose principles they
understood to be those of Mr. Delamere. Then there remained a class of
"_accessibles_," (to adopt the significant language of Mr. Crafty,) in
number one hundred and twenty-five. These were persons principally
resident in and near Yatton, subject undoubtedly to strong and direct
influence on the part of Mr. Titmouse, but still not absolutely at his
command. Of these no fewer than seventy had pledged themselves in favor
of Mr. Delamere; and, in short, thus stood Mr. Crafty's calculations as
to the probable force on both sides:--
DELAMERE. TITMOUSE.
New Voters 36 New Voters--
Yatton Tenants 23 _Quaint Club_ 109
Accessibles 70 Others 21
--- --- 130
129
Tenants 92
Accessibles 35
---
257
Now, of the class of _accessibles_, twenty remained yet unpledged, and
open to conviction; and, moreover, both parties had good ground for
believing that they would _all_ be convinced _one way_--_i. e._ towards
either Mr. Titmouse or Mr. Delamere. Now, if the Quaint Club could be in
any way detached from Mr. Titmouse, it would leave him with a majority
of _seventeen_, only, over Mr. Delamere; and then, if by any means the
twenty accessibles could be secured for Mr. Delamere, he would be placed
in a majority of three over his opponent. Whichever way _they_ went,
however, it was plain that the Quaint Club held the election in their
own hands, and intended to keep it so. Gammon's calculations differed
but slightly from those of Crafty; and thenceforth both directed their
best energies towards the same point, the Quaint Club--going on all the
while with undiminished vigor and assiduity with their canvass, as the
best mode of diverting attention from their important movements, and
satisfying the public that the only weapons with which the fight was to
be won were--bows, smiles, civil speeches, placards, squibs, banners,
and bands of music. Mr. Crafty had received a splendid sum for his
services from Lord De la Zouch; but on the first distinct and peremptory
intimation from his Lordship, being conveyed to him through Mr.
Delamere, that there was to be, _bonâ fide_, no bribery--and that the
only funds placed at his disposal were those sufficient for the
_legitimate_ expenses of the election--he smiled rather bitterly, and
sent off a secret express to Fotheringham, to ascertain _for what_ his
services had been engaged--since what was the use of going to Waterloo
_without powder_?--The answer he received was laconic enough, and
verbatim as follows:--
"No intimidation; no treating; no bribery; _manœuvre_ as skilfully
as you can; _and watch the enemy night and day_, so that the close
of the poll may not be the close of the election, nor the victor
there, the sitting member."
To the novel, arduous, and cheerless duty, defined by this despatch from
headquarters, Mr. Crafty immediately addressed all his energies; and,
after carefully reconnoitring his position, unpromising as it was, he
did not _despair_ of success. All his own voters had been gained, upon
the whole, fairly. The thirty-six new ones had been undoubtedly under
considerable _influence_, of an almost inevitable kind indeed--inasmuch
as they consisted of persons principally employed in the way of business
by Lord De la Zouch, and by many of his friends and neighbors, all of
whom were of his Lordship's way of political thinking. Every one of the
twenty-three tenants had given a spontaneous and cordial promise; and
the seventy "accessibles" had been gained, after a very earnest and
persevering canvass, by Mr. Delamere, in company with others who had a
pretty decisive, but still a legitimate influence over them. The
remaining twenty might, possibly, though not probably, be secured by
equally unobjectionable means. That being the state of things with
Delamere, how stood matters with Mr. Titmouse? First and foremost, the
Quaint Club had been bought at ten pounds a-head, by Gammon--that was
all certain. Crafty would also have bought them like a flock of sheep,
had he been allowed, and would have managed matters most effectually and
secretly; yet not more so than he found Mr. Gammon had succeeded in
doing; at all events, as far as that gentleman himself, personally, was
concerned. In fact, he had foiled Mr. Crafty, when that astute person
looked about in search of legal evidence of what had been done. Still,
however, he did not despair of being able to perform a series
manœuvres which should secure one of the ends he most wished, in
respect even of the Quaint Club. With equal good intentions, but
actuated by a _zeal that was not according to knowledge_, some of Mr.
Gammon's coadjutors had not imitated his circumspection. Quite unknown
to him, one or two of them had most fearfully committed him, themselves,
and Mr. Titmouse; giving Mr. Gammon such accounts of their doings as
should serve only to secure his applause for their tact and success.
Before Mr. Crafty, however, they stood detected as blundering novices in
the art of electioneering. A small tinker and brazier at Warkleigh had
received, with a wink, ten pounds from _a member of Mr. Titmouse's
committee!_ in payment of an old outstanding account--Heaven save the
mark!--delivered in by him, three years before, for mending pots,
kettles, and sauce-pans, in the time of--the Aubreys! The wife of a
tailor at Grilston received the same sum for a fine tomcat, which was a
natural curiosity, since it could wink each eye separately and
successively. A third worthy and independent voter was reminded that he
had lent the applicant for his vote ten pounds several years before, and
which that gentleman now took shame to himself, as he paid the amount,
for having so long allowed to remain unpaid. Mr. Barnabas Bloodsuck,
with superior astuteness, gave three pounds a-piece to three little
boys, sons of a voter, whose workshop overlooked Messrs. Bloodsucks'
back offices, on condition that they would desist from their trick of
standing and putting their thumbs to their noses and extending their
fingers towards him, as he sat in his office, and which had really
become an insupportable nuisance. Here was, therefore, a _valuable
consideration_ for the payment, and bribery was out of the question!
Such are samples of the ingenious devices which had been resorted to, in
order to secure some thirty or forty votes! In short, Mr. Crafty caught
them tripping in at least eleven clear, unquestionable cases of bribery,
each supported by unimpeachable evidence, and each sufficing to avoid
the election, to disqualify Mr. Titmouse from sitting in that Parliament
for Yatton, and to subject both him and his agents to a ruinous amount
of penalties. Then, again, there were clear indications either of a
disposition to set at defiance the stringent provisions of the law
against TREATING, or of an ignorance of their existence. And as for
_freedom_ of election, scarcely ten of his tenants gave him a willing
vote, or otherwise than upon compulsion, and after threats of raised
rents or expulsion from farms. Tied as were Mr. Crafty's hands, the
Quaint Club became a perfect eyesore to him. He found means, however, to
open a secret and confidential communication with them, and resolved to
hold out to them dazzling but indistinct hopes of pecuniary advantage
from the regions of Fotheringham. His emissary soon got hold of the
redoubtable Ben Bran, who, truth to say, had long been on the look-out
for indications of the desired sort, from the other side. As Bran was
late one evening walking slowly alone along the high-road leading to
York, he was accosted by a genteel-looking person, who spoke in a low
tone, and whom Bran now recollected to have seen, or spoken to, before.
"Can you tell me where lies the gold mine?" said the stranger; "at
Fotheringham, or Yatton?"--and the speaker looked round, apprehensive of
being overheard. Ben pricked up his ears, and soon got into conversation
with the mysterious stranger; in the course of which the latter threw
out, in a very significant manner, that "a certain peer could never be
supposed to send a certain near relative into the field, in order that
that relative might be beaten, ... and especially for want of a few
pounds; and besides, my friend, when only ...--eh?--...--_the other
side_"----
"Why, who are you? Where do you come from?" inquired Ben, with a violent
start.
"Dropped out of the--_moon_," was the quiet and smiling answer.
"Then I must say they know a precious deal," replied Ben, after a
troubled pause, "up there, of what's going on down here."
"To be sure, everything; everything!"... Here the stranger told Ben the
precise sum which the club had received from Mr. Gammon.
"Are we both--gentlemen?" inquired the stranger, earnestly.
"Y--e--e--s, I hope so, sir," replied Ben Bran, hesitatingly.
"And men of business--men of our word?"
"Honor among thieves--ay, ay," answered Ben, in a still lower tone, and
very eagerly.
"Then let you and me meet _alone_, this time to-morrow, at Darkling
Edge; and by that time, do you see, turn this over in your mind," here
the stranger twice held up both his hands, with outstretched thumbs and
fingers. "_Sure_ we understand each other?" he added. Ben nodded, and
they were presently out of sight of each other. The stranger immediately
pulled off his green spectacles, and also a pair of gray whiskers, and
put both of them into his pocket. If any one attempted to _dog_ him, he
must have been led a pretty round! 'Twas in consequence of this
interview that Ben made the application to Gammon, which had so
disturbed him, and which has been already described. And to return to
our friend: what was he to do? On entering the library at the Hall, he
opened a secret drawer in his desk, and took out a thin slip of paper
which he had deposited there that morning, it having been then received
by him from town, marked "_Private and Confidential_," and franked
"BLOSSOM and BOX." 'Twas but a line, and written in a bold hand, but in
evident haste; for it had in fact been penned by Lord Blossom and Box
while he was sitting in the Court of Chancery. This is a copy of it:--
"The election _must_ be won. You will hear from E---- by this post.
Don't address any note to _me_.
"B. and B."
With this great man, Lord Chancellor Blossom and Box, when plain Mr.
Quicksilver, Mr. Gammon had had a pretty familiar acquaintance, as the
reader may easily suppose; and had a natural desire to acquit himself
creditably in the eyes of so distinguished and powerful a personage.
Gammon had volunteered an assurance to his Lordship, shortly before
leaving town, that the election was safe, and in his (Gammon's) hands;
guess, then, his chagrin and fury at finding the systematic and
determined opposition which had suddenly sprung up against him; and the
intensity of his desire to defeat it. And the more anxious he was on
this score, the more vividly he perceived the necessity of acting with a
caution which should insure real ultimate success, instead of a mere
noisy and temporary triumph, which should be afterwards converted into
most galling, disgraceful, and public defeat. The more that Gammon
reflected on the sudden but determined manner in which Lord De la Zouch
had entered into the contest, the more confident he became that his
Lordship had an important ultimate object to secure; and that he had at
command immense means of every description, Gammon but too well knew, in
common with all the world. Was, for instance, Mr. Crafty brought down,
at an enormous expense, for nothing? What the deuce were the Quaint Club
about? Was ever anything so monstrous heard of--ten pounds a man
actually received--the bargain finally struck--and now their original
demand suddenly and peremptorily doubled? Venal miscreants! Were his
opponents really outbidding him, or laying a deep plan for entrapping
him into an act of wholesale bribery? In short, were the Quaint Club now
actuated by avarice, or by treachery? Again and again did he go over his
list of promises; having marked the _favorable_, _hostile_, _neutral_,
_doubtful_, from a table as accurately compiled and classified as that
of Mr. Crafty. Like his wily and practised opponent, also, Gammon
intrusted his principal movements to scarce a soul of those who were
engaged with him; fearing, indeed, though _then_ with no definite
grounds, that Messrs. Mudflint, Woodlouse, Centipede, Bloodsuck, and
Going Gone, were already too deep in the secrets of the election.
According to _his_ calculations, supposing all his promises to stand,
Titmouse was, independently of the Quaint Club, and some eighteen or
twenty others whom he had set down as "_to be had_"--only _twenty-five_
a-head of Delamere; thus making a difference of eight only between
Gammon's reckoning, and that of Crafty. Of course, therefore, that
cursed Quaint Club had it all their own way; and how to jockey them, was
a problem which well-nigh split his head. He gave Lord De la Zouch
credit for doing all that he--Gammon--would do, to win the election; and
believed him, therefore, capable of buying over any number of the club,
to turn king's evidence against their _original_ benefactor. The
Bloodsucks assured him that the club were all good men and
true--stanch--game to the backbone; but Gammon had obtained some
information as to the political sentiments of several of the members,
before they had acquired the new franchise, and become banded into so
sudden and formidable a confederacy, which led him to speculate rather
apprehensively on the effects which might follow any bold and skilful
scheme resorted to by his enemies. Now, as far as the club were
concerned, its members were all quiet respectable men, who made the
affair a dry matter of business. They justly looked on each of the
candidates as equally worthy of the honor they coveted of representing
the borough, and considered that things would always go on right, at
headquarters--_i. e._ that the country would be properly
governed--without the least reference to the quality or complexion of
the House of Commons. They saw the desperate and unceasing fight among
their betters for the loaves and fishes; and imitated their example,
with reference to the crumbs and fragments. First they divided
themselves, as near as their number would admit of, into tens, giving
one to the odd nine, equally with each body of ten, and thus produced a
body of eleven representatives. These eleven, again, in the presence of
the whole club, chose five of their number for the purpose of conducting
the negotiations between the club and the two candidates; and these five
again selected one of themselves--Ben Bran--to be the direct medium of
communication: the actual state of the market never went beyond the
first body of eleven; and in the exercise of an exquisite dexterity, Mr.
Crafty had contrived to inspire these eleven, through their deputy and
mouthpiece, Bran, with a determination to exact _fifteen_ pounds per
head more from Titmouse, before recording their votes in his favor: and
this untoward state of things was duly intimated to Gammon, by Ben Bran,
by silently outstretching both hands, and then one hand. That would make
a total of _two thousand seven hundred and twenty-five pounds_ disbursed
among that accursed Quaint Club alone!--thought Gammon with a shudder:
and suppose they should even then turn tail upon him, seduced by the
splendid temptations of Lord De la Zouch? Just to conceive the
possibility, for one moment, of Mr. Benjamin Bran having been bought
over to betray all his companions, and Gammon and his party also, into
the hands of Lord De la Zouch? Saith the immortal author of
_Hudibras_--
"Ah me, what perils do environ
The man that meddles with cold iron!"
But Gammon was disposed to make an exclamation in a similar tone, though
of a different sort--
What pen his troubles shall describe,
Who voters once begins to bribe!
"Oh!" thought Mr. Gammon, a thousand times, "that cursed Quaint
Club!--That cursed Crafty!"
The very first person on whom Delamere waited, in order to solicit his
support, was little Dr. Tatham, who, I need hardly say, gave it promptly
and cordially; but he added, shaking his head, that he knew he was
giving huge offence to the people at the Hall, who had already been
several times very urgent indeed with him. "Well, rather, sir, than sow
dissension between you and Mr. Titmouse, your neighbor," said Delamere,
spiritedly, "I at once release you from your promise."
"Ah! indeed?" cried Dr. Tatham, briskly--"Do you? _Can_ you? Ought you
to do so? I look upon the exercise of my franchise to be a sacred duty,
and I shall discharge it as readily and as conscientiously as any other
duty, come what may." Delamere looked at him, and thought how often he
had heard Miss Aubrey talk of him with affectionate enthusiasm, and he
believed the little doctor to be every way worthy of it. "For myself,"
continued Dr. Tatham, "I care little; but I have reason greatly to
apprehend the effects of his displeasure upon those who are disposed--as
such I know there are--to go counter to his wishes. He'll make them rue
the day."
"Ay?--Let him!" exclaimed Mr. Delamere, with an eye of bright defiance;
but it kindled only a faint momentary spark of consolation in the
breast of Dr. Tatham.
The rivals, Mr. Delamere and Mr. Titmouse, encountered one another, as
it were in full state, on the second day of the former's canvass. 'T was
in the street. Mr. Delamere was attended by Mr. Parkinson, Sir Percival
Pickering, Mr. St. Aubyn, Mr. Aylward Elvet, Mr. Gold, and one or two
others. Mr. Delamere looked certainly very handsome. About his person,
countenance, and carriage, there was an air of manly frankness,
refinement, and simplicity; and a glance at his aristocratic cast of
features, told you that a certain latent tendency to _hauteur_ was kept
in check by sincere good-nature. He was tall and well-proportioned, and
his motions had a natural ease and grace; and as for his dress, it
combined a rigid simplicity with an undoubted fashion and elegance.
Though the air was very cold and frosty, he wore only a plain
dark-colored surtout, buttoned.
"Delamere! Delamere!" whispered, with a smile, Mr. St. Aubyn, (one of
the former members for the borough,) on first catching sight of the
enemy approaching them on the same side of the street, at about twenty
yards' distance--"Here comes your opponent; he's a little beauty, eh?"
Mr. Titmouse walked first, dressed in a fine drab-colored great-coat,
with velvet collar of the same hue, and sable near a foot deep at the
wrists. It was buttoned tightly round a pinched-in waist, and a white
cambric handkerchief peeped out of a pocket in the breast. He had a red
and green plaid waistcoat, and a full satin stock, glistening with
little pins and chains. His trousers were sky-blue, and very tight, and
covered almost the whole of his boot; so that it was a wonder to the
vulgar how he ever got into, or out of them. The little that was seen of
his boots shone wonderfully; and he wore spurs at his heels. His
span-new glossy hat was perched aslant on his bushy hair; he wore
lemon-colored kid gloves, and carried a delicate little ebony cane.
Following this pretty figure were--the sallow insolent-looking
"_Reverend_" Smirk Mudflint, (such was the title he assumed,) Mr.
Centipede, Mr. Grogram, Mr. Bloodsuck, junior, (who had approached as
near, in point of personal appearance, to his illustrious client, as he
knew how,) and--Mr. Gammon. As the hostile companies neared each other,
that of Delamere observed some one hastily whisper to Titmouse, who
instantly stuck his chased gold eyeglass into his eye, and stared very
vulgarly at Mr. Delamere--who, on passing him, with the courtesy which
he conceived due to an opponent, took off his hat, and bowed with
politeness and grace, his example being followed by all his party.
Titmouse, however, took not the least notice of the compliment; but,
without removing his glass from his eye, throwing an odious sneer into
his face, stared steadily at Mr. Delamere, and so passed on. Mr.
Barnabas Bloodsuck ably seconded him. Mudflint, with a bitter smirk,
touched his hat slightly; Centipede affected to look another way;
Grogram blushed, and bowed as to his very best customer. Mr. Gammon came
last; and filled with disgust at the reception given to Mr. Delamere,
colored all over, as he took off his hat, and with an expression of very
anxious and pointed politeness, endeavored to satisfy Mr. Delamere and
his party, that there was at all events _one_ in the train of Titmouse,
who had some pretensions to the character of a gentleman.
"Who _can_ that last man be? He's a gentleman," inquired Sir Percival,
with an air of much surprise.
"Mr. Gammon--a man who is lord-paramount at the Hall," replied one.
"Gammon!--Is _that_ Mr.----" echoed Delamere, with much interest; and as
he turned round to look at Gammon, observed that he was doing the same;
on which both hastily turned away.
As the important day approached, each party _professed_ complete
confidence as to the result. The _Yorkshire Stingo_ declared that it had
authority for stating that Mr. Titmouse's majority would be at least
three to one over Mr. Delamere--and that, too, in glorious defiance of
the most lavish bribery and corruption, and the most tyrannical
intimidation, which had ever disgraced the annals of electioneering. In
fact, it was presumptuous in Mr. Delamere to attempt to foist himself
upon a borough with which he had no connection; and was done with a
wanton and malicious determination to occasion expense and annoyance to
Mr. Titmouse. The _York True Blue_, on the contrary, assured its readers
that Mr. Delamere's prospects were of the brightest description--and
though by perhaps a small majority, yet he was sure of his election. He
had been everywhere hailed with the greatest enthusiasm. Many of even
Mr. Titmouse's tenantry had nobly volunteered their support to Mr.
Delamere; and at Grilston, so long regarded as the very focus and hotbed
of democracy, his success had surpassed the most sanguine expectations
of his friends, and so forth. Then there was a sly and mischievous
caution to the electors, not to be led away by the ingenious and
eloquent sophistries which might be expected from Mr. Titmouse at the
hustings, on the day of nomination!! All this might be very well for the
papers, and probably produce its impression upon those who, at a
distance, are in the habit of relying upon them. But as for the
actors--the parties concerned--Mr. Delamere was repeatedly assured by
Mr. Crafty that a decent minority was the very utmost that could be
expected; while Titmouse and his friends, on the other hand, were in a
very painful state of uncertainty as to the issue: only Gammon, however,
and perhaps one or two others, being acquainted with the true source of
uneasiness and difficulty--viz. the abominable rapacity of the Quaint
Club.
At length dawned the day which was to determine how far Yatton was
worthy or unworthy of the boon which had been conferred upon it by the
glorious Bill for giving Everybody Everything--which was to witness the
maiden contest between the two hopeful scions of the noble and ancient
houses of Dreddlington and De la Zouch--on which it was to be
ascertained whether Yatton was to be bought and sold, like any other
article of merchandise, by a bitter old boroughmonger; or to signalize
itself by its spirit and independence, in returning one who avowed, and
would support, the noble principles which secured the passing of the
Great Bill which has been so often alluded to. As for my hero, Mr.
Titmouse, it gives me pain to have to record--making even all due
allowance for the excitement occasioned by so exhilarating an
occasion--that during the canvass, there were scarcely two hours in the
day during which he could be considered as sober. He generally left his
bed about eleven o'clock in the morning--about two o'clock, reached his
committee-room--there he called for a bottle or two of soda-water, with
brandy; and, thus supported, set out on his canvass, and never refused
an invitation to take a glass of ale, at the houses which he visited.
About the real business of the election--about his own true position and
prospects--Gammon never once deigned to consult or instruct him; but had
confined himself to the preparation of a very short and simple speech,
to be delivered by Titmouse, if possible, from the hustings, and which
he had made that gentleman copy out many times, and _promise_ that he
would endeavor to learn off by heart. He might as well, however, have
attempted to walk up the outside of the Monument!
Merrily rang the bells of Grilston church on the election morning, by
order of the vicar, the Reverend Gideon Fleshpot, who was a stanch
Titmousite, and had long cast a sort of sheep's eye upon the living of
Yatton; for he was nearly twenty years younger than its present
possessor, Dr. Tatham. What a bustle was there in the town by eight
o'clock! All business was to be suspended for the day. Great numbers
from the places adjacent began to pour into the town about that hour. It
was soon seen who was the popular candidate--he whose colors were
_yellow_; for wherever you went, yellow cockades, rosettes, and
button-ties for the men, and yellow ribbons for the girls, yellow flags
and yellow placards with "TITMOUSE FOR YATTON!" met the eye. Mr.
Delamere's colors were a deep blue, but were worn, I am sorry to say, by
only one in four or five of those who were stirring about; and who,
moreover, however respectable, and in appearance superior to the
adherents of Titmouse, yet wore no such look of confidence and
cheerfulness as they. From the bow-window of the Hare and Hounds, Mr.
Delamere's headquarters, streamed an ample and very rich blue silk
banner, on which was worked, in white silk, the figure of a Bible,
Crown, and Sceptre, and the words, "Delamere for Yatton." This would
have probably secured some little favorable notice from his sullen and
bitter opponents, had they known that it had been the workmanship of
some fifteen of as sweet beautiful girls as could have been picked out
of the whole county of York; and, by the way, 'tis a singular and
melancholy sign of the times, that beauty, innocence, and
accomplishment, are in England to be found uniformly arrayed on the side
of tyranny and corruption, against the people. Then Mr. Delamere's
_band_ was equal to three such as that of his opponent--playing with
equal precision and power: and, what was more, they played very bold,
enlivening tunes as they paraded the town. There was one feature of the
early proceedings of the day, that was rather singular and significant:
viz. that though all the members of the formidable QUAINT CLUB were
stirring about, _not one of them wore the colors of either party_,
though (between ourselves) each man had the colors of both parties in
his pocket. They appeared studiously to abstain from a display of party
feeling--though several of them _could_ not resist a leering wink of the
eye when the yellow band went clashing past them. They also had a band,
which went about the town, preceded by their own standard--a very broad
sheet of sky-blue, stretched between two poles, supported by two men;
and the droll device it bore, was--an enormous man's face, with an
intense squint, and two hands, with the thumbs of each resting on the
nose, and the fingers spread out towards the beholder. It produced--as
it seemed designed to produce--shouts of laughter wherever it made its
appearance. Every member of the Quaint Club, however, wore a grave face;
as if they were the only persons who appreciated the nature of the
exalted functions which they were entitled, and about to exercise. No
one could tell which way they intended to vote, though all expected that
they were to come in at the last, and place the yellows in a triumphant
majority of a hundred, at least. Though it had been a matter of
notoriety that they were Mr. Titmouse's men, before Mr. Delamere
appeared in the field; yet, _since_ then, they had suddenly exhibited a
politic and persevering silence and reserve, even among their personal
friends and acquaintance. The yellow band performed one feat which was
greatly applauded by the yellow crowd which attended them, and evidenced
the delicacy by which those who guided their movements were actuated:
viz. they frequently passed and repassed Mr. Delamere's committee-room,
playing that truly inspiriting air, "The Rogue's March." Then the
yellows dressed up a poor old donkey in Mr. Delamere's colors, which
were plentifully attached to the animal's ears and tail, and paraded
him, with great cheering, before the doors of the Hare and Hounds, and
Mr. Delamere's principal friends and adherents. Nay--one of the more
vivacious of the crowd threw a stone at a little corner window of the
blue committee-room, through which it went smashing on its way, till it
hit and overturned the inkstand of calm Mr. Crafty, who sat alone in the
little room, busy at work with pen, ink, and paper. He looked up for a
moment, called for a fresh inkstand, and presently resumed his pen, as
if nothing had happened.
The hustings were erected upon a very convenient and commodious green,
at the southern extremity of the town; and thither might be seen, first
on its way, a little after eleven o'clock, the procession of the popular
candidate--Mr. Titmouse. Here and there might be heard, as he passed,
the startling sounds of mimic ordnance, fired by little boys from
house-tops. As they passed the church, its bells rang their merriest
peal; and, at a little distance farther on, the little boys of Mr. Hic
Hæc Hoc, each with a small rosette tied to his jacket, struck up a
squeaking and enthusiastic "hurrah!" while from the upper windows, the
young ladies (three in number) of Mrs. Hic Hæc Hoc's "establishment,"
waved their little white pocket-handkerchiefs. Next on their way, they
passed the "_Reverend_" Smirk Mudflint's chapel, which was in very queer
contiguity to an establishment of a very queer character--in fact,
adjoining it. Against the upper part of the chapel hung a device
calculated to arrest, as it _did_ arrest, universal attention--viz. an
_inverted_ copy of the New Testament; over it, the figure of a church
turned upside down, with the point of its steeple resting on the word
"Revelation;" and upon the aforesaid church stood proudly erect an
exact representation of Mr. Smirk Mudflint's chapel, over which were the
words--"FREEDOM OF OPINION! and TRUTH TRIUMPHANT!" But I do not know
whether another device, worked by Miss Mudflint--a skinny, tallow-faced,
and flinty-hearted young lady of nine-and-twenty--was not still more
striking and original; viz. a Triangle and an Eye with rays, and the
words--"_Titmouse_! _Truth_! _Peace_!" Three cheers for Mr. Mudflint
were given here; and Mr. Mudflint bowed all round with an air of proud
excitement--feeling, moreover, an intense desire to stop the procession
and make a speech, while opposite to his own little dunghill.
First in the procession marched a big fellow with one eye, bearing a
flag, with a red cap on a pike, and the words, in large black
characters--
"TITMOUSE or DEATH!!!
"LET TYRANTS TREMBLE!!!!"
Then came the band, and next to them walked--TITTLEBAT TITMOUSE, Esq.,
dressed exactly as he was when he encountered, in their canvass, the
party of his opponent, as I have already described--only that he wore a
yellow rosette, attached to a button-hole on the left side of his drab
great-coat. His protuberant light blue eyes danced with delight, and his
face was flushed with excitement. His hat was off and on every moment,
in acknowledgment of the universal salutations which greeted him, and
which so occupied him that he even forgot to use his eyeglass. On his
left hand walked, wrapped up in a plain dark-hued great-coat, a somewhat
different person--Mr. Gammon. The expression which his features wore was
one of intense anxiety; and any tolerably close observer might have
detected the mortification and disgust with which his eye occasionally
glanced at, and was as suddenly withdrawn from, the figure of the
grinning idiot beside him. Who do you think, reader, walked on Mr.
Titmouse's right-hand side? Sir Harkaway Rotgut Wildfire, Baronet; whose
keen political feelings, added to a sincere desire to secure a chance of
his daughter's becoming the mistress of Yatton, had long ago obliterated
all unkindly recollection of Mr. Titmouse's gross conduct on a former
occasion, after having received, through the medium of Mr. Bloodsuck,
senior, as a common friend, a satisfactory apology. Next walked Mr.
Titmouse's mover and seconder, the "_Reverend_" Mr. Mudflint, and Going
Gone, "_Esquire_." Then came Mr. Centipede and Mr. Woodlouse, Mr.
Grogram and Mr. Ginblossom; Mr. Gargle Glister, Mr. Barnabas Bloodsuck,
and Mr. Hic Hæc Hoc; and others of the leading friends of Mr. Titmouse,
followed by some two hundred of others, two and two. Thus passed along
the main street of Grilston, in splendid array, what might too truly
have been called the _triumphal_ procession of the popular candidate;
his progress being accompanied by the enlivening music of his band, the
repeated acclamations of the excited and intelligent crowd, the waving
of banners and flags below, and handkerchiefs and scarfs from the ladies
at the windows, and desperate strugglings from time to time, on the part
of the crowd, to catch a glimpse of Mr. Titmouse. Mr. Gammon had the day
before judiciously hired ten pounds' worth of mob--a device alone
sufficient to have made Mr. Titmouse the popular candidate, and it now
told excellently; for the aforesaid ten pounds' worth disposed itself in
truly admirable order, in front of the hustings--and, on Mr. Titmouse's
making his appearance there, set up a sudden and enthusiastic shout,
which rent the air, and was calculated to strike dismay into the heart
of the enemy. Mr. Titmouse, on gaining the hustings, changed color
visibly, and, coming in front, took off his glossy hat, and bowed
repeatedly in all directions. Mr. Delamere's procession was of a vastly
superior description, yet too palpably that of the unpopular
candidate--every member of it from first to last, having made up his
mind to encounter incivility, and even insult, however really anxious to
avoid the slightest occasion for it. The band was numerous, and played
admirably. There was a profusion of gay and handsome flags and banners.
Mr. Delamere walked next to the musicians, with a gallant bearing, a gay
and cheerful smile, yet oft darkened by anxiety as he perceived
indubitable symptoms of a disposition to rough treatment on the part of
the crowd. On his right-hand side walked Mr. St. Aubyn; on his left, Sir
Percival Pickering, the late member for the borough. Following them came
Mr. Gold, the banker, and Mr. Milnthorpe, an extensive and
highly-respectable flour factor--these being Mr. Delamere's mover and
seconder: and they were followed by at least three hundred others, two
and two, all of a substantial and respectable appearance, and most
resolute air, to boot. No amount of mob, that day, in Grilston, would
have ventured an attack, in passing, upon that stout-hearted body of
yeomen. A great many white handkerchiefs were waved from the windows, as
Delamere passed along--waved by the hands of hundreds of fair creatures,
whose hearts throbbed with fond fears lest an unoffending gentleman
should be maltreated by the reckless mob. When Mr. Delamere approached a
certain prominent window, opposite to the town hall, his heart began to
beat quickly. _There_ were four as beautiful and high-born young women
as England could have produced, all gazing down upon him with eager and
anxious looks. It was not they, however, who occasioned Mr. Delamere's
emotion. He knew that in that room was Lady De la Zouch--_his mother_;
and he grew silent and excited as he approached it. One of the loveliest
of the four, as he stopped and with respectful bow looked up for an
instant--Lady Alethea Lorymer--suddenly and quite unexpectedly
stepped aside; and there stood revealed the figure of Lady De la Zouch.
She would have waved her handkerchief, but that she required it to
conceal her emotion. The lips of neither mother nor son moved; but their
_hearts_ uttered reciprocal benedictions--and Delamere passed on. As he
neared the church, I regret to have it to put on record, but at the
bidding of the Reverend Gideon Fleshpot, the bells _tolled as for a
funeral_!!
Could anything have been more lamentable and disgusting? If the sudden
and unexpected sight of his mother had been calculated in any degree to
subdue, for a moment, his feelings, what ensued within a minute or two
afterwards was sufficient to excite his sternest mood; for as soon as
ever the head of his procession became visible to the crowd on the
green, there arose a tremendous storm of yelling, hooting, hissing, and
groaning: and when Mr. Delamere made his appearance in front of the
hustings, you might have imagined that you were witnessing the reception
given to some loathsome miscreant mounting the gallows to expiate with
his life a hideous and revolting crime. He advanced, nevertheless, with
a smile of cheerful resolution and good-humor, though he changed color a
little; and, taking off his hat, bowed in all directions. Gracious
Heaven! what a contrast he presented to his popular rival, Mr. Titmouse,
who stood grinning and winking to the wretches immediately underneath,
evidently with a spiteful gratification at the treatment which his
opponent was experiencing. Any one on the hustings or in the crowd had
but to call out "Three cheers for Mr. Titmouse!" to be instantly obeyed;
then "Three _groans_ for the young boroughmonger!" were responded to
with amazing vehemence and effect. Viewed from a distance sufficient to
prevent your observing the furious faces of the dense mob, and hearing
the opprobrious epithets which were levelled against the unpopular
candidate, the scene appeared both interesting and exciting. On the
outskirts of the crowd were to be seen a great number of carriages, both
close and open, principally occupied by ladies--and I need hardly say
who was the favorite in _those_ quarters. Then the rival bands moved
continually about, playing well-known national airs; while the banners
and flags, blue and yellow, heightened the exhilarating and picturesque
effect of the whole. The hustings were strong and commodious; Mr.
Titmouse and his friends stood on the right, Mr. Delamere and his
friends on the left side. He was dressed in a simple dark blue surtout
and plain black stock. He was tall, elegant, and easy in his person,
appearance, and gestures; his countenance was prepossessing, and bespoke
a little excitement, which did not, however, obscure its good-nature.
And beside him stood his mover and seconder, Mr. Gold and Mr.
Milnthorpe: the two late members; and about twenty or thirty other
gentlemen--the whole party forming such a strong contrast to their
opponents, as must have challenged any one's observation in an instant.
Titmouse stood in the centre, leaning (as he supposed) gracefully,
against the front bar; on his right stood the burly, slovenly figure of
Sir Harkaway Rotgut Wildfire, with his big, bloated, blotchy face: on
Mr. Titmouse's left stood his proposer, the "Reverend" Smirk Mudflint.
His lean, sallow face wore a very disagreeable and bitter expression,
which was aggravated by a sinister cast of one of his eyes. He was
dressed in black, with a white neckerchief and no shirt-collar. Next to
him stood Going Gone, Esq., Mr. Titmouse's seconder, with a ruddy
complexion, light hair, a droll eye, and an expression of coarse but by
no means ill-natured energy. Gammon stood immediately behind Titmouse,
into whose ear he whispered frequently and anxiously. There were also
the Reverend Gideon Fleshpot, (though he evidently did not wish to make
himself conspicuous,) Mr. Glister, Mr. Grogram, Mr. Woodlouse, Mr.
Centipede, Mr. Ginblossom, Mr. Hic Hæc Hoc, the Messrs. Bloodsuck,
father and son--and other "leading Liberals." The business of the day
having been opened, with the ordinary formalities, by the returning
officer, he earnestly besought the assembled multitude to remember that
they were Englishmen, and to give both parties fair play, allowing every
one who might address them from the hustings, to be heard without
serious interruption. It had been arranged between the two committees
that Mr. Titmouse should be first proposed; and the moment, therefore,
that the returning officer ceased speaking, the "Reverend" Mr. Mudflint
took off his hat and prepared to address the "electors;" but he had to
wait for at least three minutes, in order that the applause with which
he had been greeted might subside; during which little anxious interval,
he could not help directing towards his opponents a look of bitter
exultation. He spoke with the self-possession, fluency, and precision of
a practised public speaker. If the day's proceedings were to take their
tone from that of the opening speech, 't was a thousand pities that it
had fallen to the lot of the "Reverend" Mr. Mudflint to deliver it. He
had so clear a voice, spoke with such distinctness and deliberation, and
amid such silence, that every word he uttered was audible all over the
crowd; and anything more unchristian, uncourteous, unfair, towards his
opponents, and calculated to excite towards them the hatred of the
crowd, could hardly have been conceived. In what offensive and indecent
terms he spoke of the Established Church and its ministers! of the
aristocracy, ("those natural tyrants," he said,) and indeed of all the
best and time-hallowed institutions of dear glorious old England--which
might, by the way, well blush to own such a creature as he, as one
entitled by birth to call himself one of her sons! How he hailed the
approaching downfall of "_priest-craft_" and "_king-craft_!"--"A new
light," he said, "was diffusing itself over benighted mankind--'t was
the pure and steady light of REASON, and all filthy things were flying
from before it," (immense cheers followed the announcement of this
important and interesting fact.) "The Bible," he said, "was a book of
excellent common sense; and nothing but villanous priestcraft had
attempted to torture and dislocate it into all sorts of fantastic
mysteries, which led to rank idolatry and blasphemy, equally revolting
to God and man." (Perceiving, from the coolness with which it was
received, that this was going a _little_ too rapidly a-head, he dropped
that subject altogether, and soon regained the ear of his audience, by
descanting in very declamatory and inflammatory terms upon the
resplendent victory which the people had recently gained in the glorious
Bill for giving Everybody Everything.) "They had burst their bonds with
a noble effort; but their chains would be quickly re-riveted, unless
they followed up their advantage, and never stopped short of crushing a
heartless, tyrannical, and insolent oligarchy; unless the people were
now true to themselves, and returned to the House of Commons men
resolved to watch over the energies of reviving liberty, lest they
should be strangled in their way--(the remainder of the sentence was
inaudible in the storm of applause which it excited.) Under these
circumstances, Providence itself had pointed out an individual whom he
was proud and happy to propose to their notice--(here he turned and
bowed to Mr. Titmouse, who, plucking off his hat, bobbed in return, amid
the deafening cheers of all before them, to whom also he bowed
repeatedly.) A gentleman who seemed, as it were, made for them; who, in
his own person, might be said to afford a lively illustration of the
regeneration of society--who, to borrow for a moment an absurd word
from his opponents, had by a sort of _miracle_ (with what an infernal
emphasis he pronounced this word!) been placed where he was, in his
present proud position; who had totally and happily changed the whole
aspect of affairs in the neighborhood, which had already become the
scene of his profuse and yet discriminating generosity and hospitality;
who stood in bright and bold relief from out a long gloomy line of
ancestors, all of whom, he lamented to say, had lived and died in enmity
to the people, and had distinguished themselves by nothing except their
bigotry, and hatred of civil and religious liberty. Mr. Titmouse was the
first of his ancient family to claim the proud title of the--Man of the
People. (Here a voice called out, 'three cheers for Mr.
Titmouse!'--which were given spontaneously, and most effectively.) His
'_Address_' was worthy of him--it did equal honor to his head and his
heart, (it is impossible to describe the smile which here just glanced
over the countenance of Mr. Gammon,) touching nothing that it did not
adorn--at once bold, explicit, comprehensive, and uncompromising!--He
had had the felicity of enjoying the acquaintance, he might venture
perhaps to say, the friendship, of Mr. Titmouse, since he had taken up
his abode at the home of his ancestors, and very proud was he--Mr.
Mudflint--to be able to say so. He could assure the electors, from his
own personal knowledge of Mr. Titmouse, that they would have cause to be
proud of their future representative--of the choice which they were
about to make. (Here the worthy speaker had some sudden misgivings as to
the display likely to be made by Titmouse, when it came to his turn to
address the electors:--so he added in _rather_ a subdued tone)--It was
true that they might not have, in Mr. Titmouse, a magpie in the House,
(_laughter_,) a mere chatterer--much cry and little wool; they had had
enough of mere speechifiers at St. Stephen's--but they would have a good
working member, (_cheers;_) one always at his post in the hour of
danger, (_cheers;_) a good committee-man, and one whose princely fortune
rendered him independent of party and of the blandishments of power. In
the language of the ancient _poet_ (_!_) Mr. Mudflint would exclaim on
such an occasion; '_Facta, non verba quæro_,' (_great cheering._) And
now a word for his opponent, (_groans._) He was a mere puppet, held in
the hands of some one out of sight, (_laughter,_)--it _might_ be of a
base old boroughmonger, (_groans_)--who sought to make Yatton a rotton
borough, (_hisses,_) a stepping-stone to ascendency in the county,
(Cries of 'Will he though, lad, eh?') who would buy and sell them like
slaves, (_hisses,_) and would never rest satisfied till he had restored
the intolerable old vassalage of feudalism, (groans and hisses here
burst forth from that enlightened assemblage, at the bare idea of
anything so frightful.) He meant nothing personally offensive to the
honorable candidate--but _was_ he worthy of a moment's serious notice?
(_great laughter._) Had he an opinion of his own? (_loud laughter._) Had
he not better, to use the language of a book that was much
misunderstood, _tarry at Jerusalem_ (_!!!_) _till his beard was grown_?
Was he not, in fact, a nonentity unworthy of a reasonable man's
attention? Was he not reeking from Oxford, (_groans,_) that hotbed of
pedantic ignorance and venerable bigotry, (_hootings,_) surrounded by a
dismal and lurid halo of superstition?" (_groaning and hooting._)
Finer and finer was Mr. Mudflint becoming every moment as he warmed with
his subject--but unfortunately his audience was beginning very
unequivocally to intimate that they were quite satisfied with what they
had already heard. A cry, for instance, issued from the crowd--"the rest
of my _discoorse_ next Sunday!"--for they knew that they were being
kept all this while from one of their greatest favorites, Mr. Going
Gone, who had also himself been latterly rather frequently and
significantly winking his eye at those before him, and shrugging his
shoulders. Mr. Mudflint, therefore, with feelings of vivid vexation,
pique, and envy, concluded rather abruptly by proposing TITTLEBAT
TITMOUSE, ESQUIRE, of YATTON, as a fit and proper person to represent
them in Parliament. Up went hats into the air, and shouts of the most
joyous and enthusiastic description rent the air for several minutes.
Then took off his hat the jolly Mr. Going Gone--a signal for roars of
laughter, and cries of coarse and droll welcome, in expectancy of fun.
Nor were they disappointed. He kept them in good-humor and fits of
laughter during the whole of his "Address;" and though destitute of any
pretence to refinement, I must at the same time say, that there were to
be detected in it no traces of ill-nature. He concluded by seconding the
nomination of Mr. Titmouse, amid tumultuous cheers; and after waiting
for some few minutes, in order that they might subside, Mr. Gold took
off his hat, and essayed to address the crowd. Now he really was, what
he looked, an old man of unaffected and very great good-humor, and a
benevolence which was extensive, and systematic. He had only the week
before distributed soup, blankets, coals, and potatoes to two hundred
poor families in the borough, even as he had done at that period of the
year, for the preceding quarter of a century. No tale of distress,
indeed, was ever told him in vain, unless palpably fictitious and
fraudulent. The moment that his bare head, scantily covered with gray
hairs, was visible, there arose, at a given signal from Mr. Barnabas
Bloodsuck, a dreadful hissing, hooting, and groaning from all parts of
the crowd. If he appeared disposed to persevere in addressing the two or
three persons immediately around him, that only infuriated the mob
against the poor old man, who bore it all, however, with great
good-humor and fortitude. But it was in vain. After some twenty minutes
spent in useless efforts to make himself audible, he concluded in mere
dumb show, by proposing THE HONORABLE GEOFFREY LOVEL DELAMERE, at the
mention of whose name there again arose a perfect tempest of howling,
hissing, groaning, and hooting. Then Mr. Milnthorpe came forward,
determined not to be "_put down_." He was a very tall and powerfully
built man; bold and determined, with a prodigious power of voice, and
the heart of a lion. "Now, lads, I'm ready to try which can tire the
other out first!" he shouted in a truly stentorian voice, heard over all
their uproar, which it _redoubled_. How vain the attempt! How ridiculous
the challenge! Confident of his lungs, he smiled good-humoredly at the
hissing and bellowing mass before him, and for nearly half an hour
persevered in his attempts to make himself heard. At length, however,
without his having in the slightest degree succeeded, his pertinacity
began to irritate the crowd who, in fact, felt themselves being
_bullied_; and _that_ no crowd, that ever I saw, or heard of, can bear
for one instant; and _what is one against so many_? Hundreds of fists
were held up and shaken at him. A missile of some sort or another was
flung at him, though it missed him; and then the returning officer
advised him to desist from his attempts, lest mischief should ensue; on
which he shouted at the top of his voice, "I second Mr. Delamere!" and,
amid immense groaning and hissing, replaced his hat on his head, thereby
owning himself vanquished; which the mob also perceiving, they burst
into loud and long-continued laughter.
"Now, Mr. Titmouse!" said the returning officer, addressing that
gentleman: who on hearing the words, turned as white as a sheet, and
felt very much disposed to be sick. He pulled out of his coat-pocket a
well-worn little roll of paper, on which was the speech which Mr.
Gammon had prepared for him, as I have already intimated; and with a
shaking hand he unrolled it, casting at its contents a glance--momentary
and despairing. What then would that little fool have given for memory,
voice, and manner enough to "speak the speech that had been set down for
him!" He cast a dismal look over his shoulder at Mr. Gammon, and took
off his hat--Sir Harkaway clapping him on the back, exclaiming, "Now
for't, lad--have at 'em, and away--never fear!" The moment that he stood
bareheaded, and prepared to address the writhing mass of faces before
him, he was greeted with a prodigious shout, while hats were some of
them waved, and others flung into the air. It was, indeed, several
minutes before the uproar abated in the least. With fearful rapidity,
however, every species of noise and interruption ceased--and a deadly
silence prevailed. The sea of eager excited faces--all turned towards
_him_--was a spectacle which might for a moment have shaken the nerves
of even a _man_--had he been "unaccustomed to public speaking." The
speech, which--brief and simple though it was--he had never been able to
make his own, even after copying it out half-a-dozen times, and trying
to learn it off for an hour or two daily during the preceding fortnight,
he had now utterly forgotten; and he would have given a hundred pounds
to retire at once from the contest, or sink unperceived under the floor
of the hustings.
"Begin! begin!" whispered Gammon, earnestly.
"Ya--a--s--but--what shall I say?" stammered Titmouse.
"Your speech"--answered Gammon, impatiently.
"I--I--'pon my--soul--I've--forgot every word of it!"
"Then _read_ it," said Gammon, in a furious whisper--
"Good God, you'll be hissed off the hustings!--Read from the paper, do
you hear!" he added, almost gnashing his teeth.
Matters having come to this fearful issue, "Gentlemen," commenced Mr.
Titmouse, faintly----
"Hear him! Hear, hear!--Hush!--Sh! sh!" cried the impatient and
expectant crowd.
Now, I happen to have a short-hand writer's notes of every word uttered
by Mr. Titmouse, together with an account of the reception it met with:
and I shall here give the reader, first, Mr. Titmouse's _real_, and
secondly, Mr. Titmouse's _supposed_ speech, as it appeared two days
afterwards in the columns of the _Yorkshire Stingo_.
"Look on _this_ picture----and on THIS!"
Mr. Titmouse's ACTUAL Speech.
"GENTLEMEN,--Most uncommon, unaccustomed as I am,
(_cheers_)--happy--memorable,--proudest--high honor--unworthy,
(_cheering_)--day of my life--important crisis, (_cheers_)--day gone
by, and arrived--too late, (_cheering_)--civil and religions liberty
all over the world, (_immense cheering, led off by Mr. Mudflint._)
Yes, gentlemen,--I would observe--it is unnecessary to say--passing
of that truly glorious Bill--charter--no mistake--Britons never
shall be slaves, (_enthusiastic cheers._)--Gentlemen, would be ruin
to go back, while to stand still was impossible, (_cheers;_) and,
therefore, there was nothing for it but to go forward, (_great
cheering_). He looked upon the passing of the Bill for giving
Everybody Everything, as establishing an entirely new order of
things, (_cheers._) in which the people had been roused to a sense
of their being the only legitimate source of power, (_cheering._)
They had, like Samson, though weakened by the cruelty and torture of
his tyrants, bowed down and broken into pieces the gloomy fabric of
aristocracy. The words 'Civil and Religious Liberty' were now no
longer a by-word and a reproach, (_cheers;_) but, as had been finely
observed by the gentleman who had so eloquently proposed him to
their notice, the glorious truth had gone forth to the ends of the
earth, that no man was under any responsibility for his opinions or
his belief, any more than for the shape of his nose, (_universal
cheering._) A spirit of tolerance, amelioration, and renovation, was
now abroad, actively engaged in repairing our defective and
dilapidated constitution, the relic of a barbarous age--with some
traces of modern duty, but more of Church Establishment to
a--difference between me and my honorable opponent, (_loud cheers
and groans,_) I live among you, (_cheers_)--spend my money in the
borough, (_cheers_)--no business to come here, ('_No, no!_')--right
about, close borough, (_hisses!_)--patient attention, which I will
not further trespass upon, (_'hear! hear!' and loud
cheering,_)--full explanation--rush early to the--base, bloody, and
brutal (_cheers_)--poll triumphant--extinguish forever,
(_cheers._)--Gentlemen, these are my sentiments--wish, you many
happy--re--hem! a-hem--and by early displaying a determination
to--(_cries of 'we will! we will!'_)--eyes of the whole country upon
you--crisis of our national representation--patient
attention--latest day of my life.--Gentlemen, yours truly."
Mr. Titmouse's REPORTED Speech.
"Silence having been restored, Mr. Titmouse said, that he feared it
was but too evident that he was unaccustomed to scenes so exciting
as the present one--that was one source of his embarrassment; but
the greatest was, the enthusiastic reception with which he had been
honored, and of which he owned himself quite unworthy, (_cheers._)
He agreed with the gentleman who had proposed him in so very able
and powerful a speech, (_cheers,_) that we had arrived at a crisis
in our national history, (_cheering_)--a point at which it
unaccustomed as I am to address an assembly of this--ahem! (_'hear!
hear! hear!' and cheers_)--civil and religious liberty all over the
world, (_cheers_)--yet the tongue can feel where the heart cannot
express the (_cheers_)--so help me----! universal suffrage and cheap
and enlightened equality, (_cries of 'that's it, lad!'_)--which can
never fear to see established in this country--(_cheers_)--if only
true to--industrious classes and corn-laws--yes, gentlemen, I say
corn-laws--for I am of op--(_hush! cries of 'ay, lad, what dost say
about_ THEM?') working out the principles which conduce to the
establishment a--a--a--civil and religious liberty of the press!
(_cheers!_) and the working classes, (_hush!_)--Gentlemen,
unaccustomed as I am--well--at any rate--will you--I say--_will_
you? (_vehement cries of 'No! No! Never!'_) unless you are true to
yourselves! Gentlemen, without going into--vote by Ballot (_cheers_)
and quarterly Parliaments, (_loud cheering,_) three polar stars of
my public conduct--(here the great central banner was waved to and
fro, amid enthusiastic cheering)--and reducing the over-grown
ancient ignorance and unsightliness, (_cheers._) The great Bill he
alluded to, had roused the masses into political being, (_immense
cheering,_) and made them sensible of the necessity of keeping down
a rapacious and domineering oligarchy, (_groans._) Was not the
liberty of the press placed now upon an intelligible and
imperishable basis?--Already were its purifying and invigorating
influences perceptible, (_cheering_)--and he trusted that it would
never cease to direct its powerful energies to the demolition of the
many remaining barriers to the improvement of mankind, (_cheers._)
The corn-laws must be repealed, the taxes must be lowered, the army
and navy reduced; vote by ballot and universal suffrage conceded,
the quarterly meeting of Parliament secured, and the revenues of the
church be made applicable to civil purposes. Marriage must be no
longer fenced about by religious ceremonials, (_cheers._) He found
that there were three words on his banner, which were worth a
thousand speeches--_Peace, Retrenchment, Reform_.--which, as had
been happily observed by the gentleman who had so ably proposed
him"----
[And so on for a column more; in the course of which there were really
so many flattering allusions to the opening speech of the proposer of
Titmouse, that it has often occurred to me as probable, that the
"Reverend" Mr. Mudflint had supplied the above report of Mr. Titmouse's
speech.]
CHAPTER II.
Mr. Titmouse, on concluding, made a great number of very profound bows,
and replaced his hat upon his head, amid prolonged and enthusiastic
cheering, which, on Mr. Delamere's essaying to address the crowd, was
suddenly converted into a perfect hurricane of hissing; like as we now
and then find a shower of rain suddenly change into hail. Mr. Delamere
stood the pitiless pelting of the storm with calmness, resolution, and
good-humor. Ten minutes had elapsed, and he had not been allowed to
utter one syllable audible to any one beyond four or five feet from him.
Every fresh effort he made to speak caused a renewal of the uproar, and
many very offensive and opprobrious epithets were applied to him. Surely
this was disgraceful, disgusting! What had he done to deserve such
treatment? Had he been guilty of offering some gross indignity and
outrage to every person present, individually, could he have fared worse
than he did? He had conducted his canvass with scrupulous and exemplary
honor and integrity--with the utmost courtesy to all parties, whether
adverse or favorable. He was surely not deficient in those qualities of
head and of heart--of personal appearance, even, which usually secure
man favor with his fellows. _Who_ could lay _anything_ to his
charge--except that he had ventured to solicit the suffrages of the
electors of Yatton, in competition with Mr. Titmouse? If men of a
determined character and of princely means have to calculate upon such
brutal usage as this, can those who sanction or perpetrate it wonder at
bribery and other undue means being resorted to, in absolute
self-defence? Is it meant to deter any one from coming forward that has
not a forehead of brass, leathern lungs, and heart of marble? After
upwards of a quarter of an hour had been thus consumed, without Mr.
Delamere's having been permitted to utter two consecutive sentences,
though he stood up against it patiently and gallantly, the returning
officer, who had often appealed to them in vain, earnestly besought Mr.
Titmouse to use his influence with the crowd, in order to secure Mr.
Delamere a moment's hearing.
"'Pon my life--I--eh?" quoth Titmouse. "A likely thing! He'd do it for
_me_, wouldn't he? Every man for himself--all fair at an election, eh,
Gammon?"
"Do it, sir!" whispered Gammon, indignantly--"do it, and instantly--or
you deserve to be kicked off the hustings!" Titmouse, on this,
took off his hat with a very bad grace, and addressing the crowd,
said--"I--I--suppose you'll hear what he's got to say for
himself, gents"----But all was in vain; "Off! off! No!--Go
home!--ah!--ah!--a--a--a--h!----St!--St!--Get away home with you, you
young boroughmonger!--a--a--h!" came in louder and fiercer tones from
the mob. Yet Mr. Delamere did not like to give up without another and a
desperate effort to catch the ear of the mob; but while he was in the
act of raising his right hand, and exclaiming--"Gentlemen, only a word
or two--I pledge my honor that I will not keep you three minutes"--some
miscreant from the body of the crowd aimed at him a stone, not a very
large one to be sure, yet flung with very considerable force, and
hitting him just about the centre of the upper lip, which it cut open.
He instantly turned pale, and applied to the wound his white
pocket-handkerchief, which was speedily saturated with blood. Still the
gallant young fellow stood his ground with firmness, and the smile
which he endeavored to assume, it was enough to have brought tears into
one's eyes to witness. The instant that Gammon had seen the stone take
effect, he rushed over towards where Mr. Delamere stood amid his
agitated friends, who were dissuading him from persevering in his
attempt to address the crowd?--
"You are severely hurt, sir!" exclaimed Gammon, with much agitation,
taking off his hat with an air of earnest and respectful sympathy. Then
he turned with an air of excitement towards the mob, who seemed shocked
into silence by the incident which had taken place, and were uttering
increasing cries of "Shame! shame!"
"Shame?--shame, _shame_, indeed, gentlemen"--he exclaimed
vehemently--"Where is that atrocious miscreant? In the name of Mr.
Titmouse, who is too much agitated to address you himself, I conjure you
to secure that abominable ruffian, and let him be brought to justice! If
not, Mr. Titmouse protests solemnly that he will withdraw from the
election."
"Bravo, Titmouse! bravo! Spoke like a man!" exclaimed several voices. A
desperate struggle was soon perceived about that quarter where the man
who flung the stone must have been standing; he had been seized, and
being in a trice most severely handled, a couple of men almost throttled
him with the tightness of their grasp round his neck--these too the very
men who had encouraged him to perpetrate the outrage!--and, amid a
shower of kicks and blows, he was hauled off, and deposited, half dead,
in the cage.
"Three cheers for Delamere!" cried a voice from the crowd; and never had
a more vehement shout issued from them, than in response to that
summons.
"Delamere! Delamere!--Hear him!--Speak out!--Delamere! Delamere!" cried
a great number of voices, of people growing more and more excited as
they beheld his handkerchief becoming suffused with blood. But he was
not in a condition then to respond to their call. He was suffering
really not a little pain; and, moreover, his feelings had for a
moment--just for a moment--given way, when he adverted to the
possibility that Lady De la Zouch might have witnessed the outrage, or
received exaggerated accounts of it. Mr. St. Aubyn, however, stood
forward in Mr. Delamere's stead--and in a very touching and judicious
but brief address, roused the feelings of the crowd to a high pitch of
sympathy for Mr. Delamere, who stood beside him, hat in
hand--vehemently, and at length successfully, struggling to repress his
rising emotions. If only one out of a hundred of those present had had a
vote, this stone's throw might have changed the fate of the
election!--No other candidate having been proposed, the returning
officer then proceeded to call for a show of hands; on which a very
great number were held up in favor of Mr. Titmouse; but when Mr.
Delamere's name was called, it really seemed as if every one present had
extended both his hands!--there could be no mistake, no room for doubt.
Titmouse turned as pale as a sheet, and gazed with an expression of
ludicrous consternation at Gammon, who also looked, in common indeed
with his whole party, not a little disconcerted. The returning officer,
having procured silence, declared that the choice of the electors had
fallen upon Mr. Delamere; on which a tremendous cheering followed, which
lasted for several minutes; and, luckily recollecting the utter nullity
of a show of hands as a test or evidence, either way, of the result of
the election,[1] Mr. Gammon directed Mudflint formally to demand a poll
on behalf of Mr. Titmouse; on which the returning officer announced that
the poll would take place at eight o'clock the next morning; and
thereupon the day's proceedings closed. Mr. Delamere, in a very few
words, returned thanks to the electors for the honor which they had
conferred upon him, and entreated them to go early to the poll. He and
his friends then left the hustings. His procession quickly formed; his
band struck up with extraordinary energy and spirit--"_See the
Conquering Hero comes!_" but the rolling of the drums, the clashing of
cymbals, the rich deep tones of the bassoons, trombones, and French
horns, and clear and lively notes of flute and clarionet, were quite
overpowered by the acclamations of the crowd which attended them to his
committee-room. Sir Percival Pickering, throwing open the window,
addressed a word or two to the dense crowd; and then, having given three
lusty cheers, they withdrew. A glass of wine and water quickly refreshed
the spirits of Mr. Delamere, and a surgeon having arrived, found it
necessary to dress the wound with much care, for the cut was severe; in
fact, the upper lip was partially laid open; and he declared it highly
imprudent for Mr. Delamere to attempt to make his appearance out of
doors on the morrow. As for Mr. Crafty, as soon as he heard what had
taken place, he uttered, as he felt bound to do, a few casual
expressions of sympathy; but what passed through his mind, as he resumed
his seat before his papers, was--"What a pity that all those fellows had
not had votes, and that the poll had not commenced _instanter_!" The
truly unexpected issue of the day's proceedings, while it elevated the
spirits of all Mr. Delamere's friends, produced only one effect upon the
imperturbable Mr. Crafty; he strongly suspected that the other side
would probably be resorting during the night to measures of a desperate
and unscrupulous description, in order to counteract the unfavorable
impression calculated to be effected by the defeat of Mr. Titmouse at
the show of hands. As for that gentleman, by the way, he became very
insolent towards Gammon on reaching the committee-room, and protested,
with fury in his face, that it had all been brought about by Mr.
Gammon's "cursed officious meddling with Mr. Titmouse's name before the
mob after the stone had been thrown;" on hearing which, "Go on to the
Hall, sir, dine, and get drunk if you choose," said Gammon, bitterly and
peremptorily; "I shall remain here all night. Powerful as are your
energies, they require relaxation after the fatigues of the day!" and
with a very _decisive_, but not violent degree of force, Titmouse was
urged, in a twinkling, into the outer committee-room. Mr. Gammon had,
indeed, as much serious work before him that night as Mr. Crafty, and
prepared for secret and decisive action every whit as calmly and
effectively as he. Mr. Crafty's arrangements were admirable. During the
day he had parcelled out the borough into a number of small departments,
each of which he committed to some steady and resolute friend of Mr.
Delamere, who was to look after every elector in his division about whom
there was any ground for fear, in respect either of apprehended
abduction, or of treachery. These gentlemen were to be relieved at
intervals; and from one to the other of them, perpetually, were the
personal agents of Crafty to go their rounds, in order to see that all
was right, and carry intelligence to headquarters. Then others were
intrusted with the ticklish and tiresome duty of watching the movements
of the enemy in quarters where Crafty had sure information of intended
operations during the night. Complete arrangements had been made, also,
for bringing up voters to the poll at the exact times, and in the
numbers, and in the manner, which might on the morrow be determined on
by Mr. Crafty. Names were noted down of those to whom the bribery oath
was to be administered. Prudent as were these precautions, they did not
entirely prevent the mischief against which they had been levelled. As
the night wore on, evidence was, from time to time, brought in to Mr.
Crafty that the enemy were at work at, their expected tricks; _e.g._--
"Jacob Joliffe is missing. Wife _says_ she knows nothing about him.
_Inquire._"
"Send _at least a couple_ of men to watch Peter Jiggins, or he'll
be out of the way when he's wanted."
"Haste--haste. G. Atkins and Adam Hutton, both safe ten minutes
ago, are off; enticed out into a postchaise--gone towards
York--(Half-past eleven.")
"Send some one to the Jolly Snobs to watch the treating going on.
_Most important._ Mr. Titmouse has been there, and drunk a glass of
rum with them."
Then more mysterious missives made their appearance from Mr. Crafty's
own familiars.
"Q.C.S.H.O.--12."--(_i.e._ "The Quaint Club still holds
out.--Twelve o'clock.")
"Q.C.G._W._--1/2 past 1."--(_i.e._ "The Quaint Club are _going
wrong_.--Half-past one o'clock.")
"S.B.; G.O. => => + => => H. 1/4 to 2."--(_i.e._ "I have seen Bran.
Gammon offers ten pounds, in addition to the ten pounds already
given.--They hesitate.--A quarter to two o'clock.")
"3/heard & S. B. & M. w. B. O. Q. C.--12--3."--(_i.e._ "Three of
our people have just overheard _and seen_ Bloodsuck and Mudflint,
with Bran, offering the Quaint Club _twelve_ pounds.--Three
o'clock.")
"Q. C. G. R. w. Y. & C. T. T. Y. M.S. I.--4."--(_i.e._ "The Quaint
Club are getting restive with _you_, and coming to terms with
Titmouse. You must stir instantly.--Four o'clock.")
"[Greek: Delta Delta] => 10 m. 4."--These last mysterious symbols
caused Mr. Crafty instantly to bestir himself, He changed color a
_little_, and went into the adjoining room. The meaning of the
communication was--"_Great danger to both parties_."
In the adjoining room, where two candles were burning down in their very
sockets, and the fire nearly out, were some four or five trusty friends
of Mr. Delamere--gentlemen who had placed themselves entirely at Mr.
Crafty's disposal throughout the night. When he entered, they were all
nearly asleep, or at least dozing. Beckoning two of them into his own
room, he instructed one to go and plant himself openly--nay, as
conspicuously as possible--near the door of Mr. Titmouse's
committee-room, so as not to fail of being recognized, by any one
leaving or entering it, as a well-known friend of Mr. Delamere's; in
fact, Mr. Titmouse's friends were to discover that their motions were
watched. The other he instructed to act similarly opposite the door of a
small house in a narrow court--the residence, in fact, of Ben Bran,
where all the night's negotiations with the Quaint Club had been carried
on. Immediately afterwards, Mr. Crafty felt it his duty, as between man
and man, to warn his opponent of the mortal peril in which he was
placed; and, in his anxiety for fair play, found means to convey the
following note into the committee-room where Mr. Gammon and one or two
others were sitting:--
"Take care!! You are deceived! betrayed! Q. C. is sold
out and out to the _Blues_!! And part of the bargain, that B. B.
shall betray you into bribery in the presence of witnesses--_not
one man_ of the club safe; this have _just learned_ from the wife of
one of them. From a well-wishing friend, but _obligated_ to vote
(against his conscience) for the Blues.
"P.S.--Lord D. in the town (quite private) with lots of _the
needful_, and doing business sharply."
While Mr. Gammon and his companions were canvassing this letter, in came
the two gentlemen who had been watched, in the way I have stated, from
Ben Bran's house to Mr. Titmouse's committee-room, pale and agitated,
with intelligence of that fact. Though hereat Gammon's color deserted
his cheek, he affected to treat the matter very lightly, and laughed at
the idea of being deluded by such boy's play. If Lord De la Zouch--said
he--had hired Crafty only to play tricks like _these_, he might as well
have saved the trouble and expense. Here a slight bustle was heard at
the door; and the hostler made his appearance, saying that a man had
just given him a document which he produced to Mr. Gammon; who, taking
from the hostler a dirty and ill-folded paper, read as follows:--
"To Squire Titmous. you Are All Wrong. the Blues is _wide_
Awake All Night and nos all, Lord Dillysoush about with One
hundred Spies; And look Out for traiters in the Camp. A
friend or Enemy as you Will, but loving Fair Play."
"Poh!" exclaimed Gammon, flinging it on the table contemptuously.
Now, I may as well mention here, that about nine o'clock in the evening,
Mr. Parkinson had brought to Crafty _sure_ intelligence that a very
zealous and influential person, who was entirely in the confidence of
the enemy, had come to him a little while before, and candidly
disclosed the very melancholy position of his--the aforesaid
communicant's--financial affairs; and Mr. Parkinson happened to be in a
condition to verify the truth of the man's statement, that there was a
writ out against him for £250; and that, unless he could meet it, he
would have to quit the county before daybreak, and his very promising
prospects in business would be utterly ruined. Mr. Parkinson knew these
matters professionally; and, in short, Crafty was given to understand,
that so disgusted was Mr. M'Do'em--the gentleman in question--with Whig
principles (his inexorable creditor being a Whig) and practices, such as
the bribery, treating, and corruption at that moment going on, that--his
conscience pricked him--and--ahem!--the poor penitent was ready to make
all the amends in his power by discovering villany to its intended
victims. Crafty, having felt the ground pretty safe underneath him, took
upon himself to say, that Mr. M'Do'em need be under no further
apprehension as to his pecuniary liabilities; but, in the mean while, he
would certainly wish for a little _evidence_ of the _bona fides_ of his
present conduct.
"Come," quoth M'Do'em, after receiving a pregnant wink from Mr.
Crafty--"send some one whom you can rely upon with me _immediately_, to
do as I bid him--and let him report to you what he shall actually see."
No sooner said than done. A trusty managing clerk of Mr. Parkinson's
forthwith accompanied M'Do'em on a secret expedition....
They stood at a window with a broken pane. 'T was a small ill-furnished
kitchen, and in the corner, close to the fire, sat smoking a middle-aged
man, wearing a dirty brown paper cap. Opposite to him sat two persons,
in very earnest conversation with him. They were Mr. Mudflint and Mr.
Bloodsuck, junior.
"Come, come, _that's_ decidedly unreasonable," quoth the former.
"No, sir, it _a'n't_. I'm an independent man!--It quite cut me to the
heart, I 'sure you, sir, to see Mr. Delamere so dreadfully used--my good
missus, that's in bed, says to me--says she"----
"But what had Mr. Titmouse to do with it, you know?" said Mudflint,
taking out of his pocket a bit of crumpled paper, at which the man he
addressed gazed listlessly, shook his head, and exclaimed, "_No, it
won't do_----He didn't desarve such treatment, poor young gentleman."
(Here Bloodsuck and Mudflint whispered--and the latter, with a very bad
grace, produced a second bit of crumpled paper.)
"_That's_ something like"--said the man, rather more good-humoredly.
"Is't _sartain_ Mr. Titmouse had nothing to do with it?"
"To be sure not!--Now, mind, by a quarter past eight--eh?" inquired
Mudflint, very anxiously, and somewhat sullenly.
"I'm a man of my word--no one can say I ever broke it in earnest; and as
for a straightforward bit o' business like this, I say, I'm your man--so
here's my hand."...
"Don't _that_ look rather like business?" inquired M'Do'em, in a
whisper, after they had lightly stepped away.--"But come along!"...
After another similar scene, the two returned to the Hare and Hounds,
and the matter was satisfactorily settled between Crafty and
M'Do'em--one hundred down, and the rest on the morning after the
election. He was to _poll for Titmouse_, and that, too, early in the
day; and be as conspicuous and active as possible in his exertions in
behalf of that gentleman--to appear, in short, one of his most stanch
and confidential supporters. Whether Lord De la Zouch or his son would
have sanctioned such conduct as this, had they had an inkling of it, I
leave to the reader to conjecture: but Crafty was easy about the
matter--'t was only, in _his_ opinion, "manœuvring;" and all weapons
are fair against a burglar or highwayman; all devices against a
swindler. M'Do'em gave Crafty a list of nine voters at Grilston who had
received five pounds a-piece; and enabled him to discover a case of
wholesale _treating_, brought home to one of the leading members of Mr.
Titmouse's committee. Well, this worthy capped all his honorable
services by hurrying in to Gammon, some quarter of an hour after he had
received the second anonymous letter, and with a perfect appearance of
consternation, after carefully shutting the door and eying the window,
faltered that all was going wrong--that traitors were in the camp; that
Lord De la Zouch had _bought every man of the Quaint Club two days
before at thirty pounds a-head_! half already paid down, the rest to be
paid on the morning of the _fifteenth day after Parliament should have
met_--(M'Do'em said he did not know what that meant, but Gammon was more
influenced and alarmed by it than by anything else that had happened;)
that _Ben Bran was playing false_, having received a large sum--though
how much M'Do'em had not yet learned--as head-money from Lord De la
Zouch; and that, if one single farthing were after that moment paid or
promised to any single member of the club, either by Mr. Titmouse, or
any one on his behalf, they were all delivered, bound hand and foot,
into the power of Lord De la Zouch, and at his mercy. That so daring and
yet artful was Lord De la Zouch, that his agents had attempted to tamper
with even HIM, M'Do'em! but so as to afford him not the least hold of
them. Moreover, he knew a fellow-townsman who would, despite all his
promises to the Liberal candidate, poll for Delamere; but nothing should
induce him, M'Do'em, to disclose the name of that person, on account of
the peculiar way in which he, M'Do'em, had come to know the fact. On
hearing all this, Gammon calmly made up his mind for the worst; and
immediately resolved to close all further negotiations with the Quaint
Club. To have acted otherwise would have been mere madness, and courting
destruction. The more he reflected on the exorbitant demand of the
Quaint Club--and so _suddenly_ exorbitant, and enforced by such an
impudent sort of quiet pertinacity--the more he saw to corroborate--had
that occurred to him as necessary--the alarming intelligence of M'Do'em.
Mr. Gammon concealed much of his emotion; but he ground his teeth
together with the effort. Towards six o'clock, there was a room full of
the friends and agents of Titmouse; to whom Gammon, despite all that had
happened, and which was known only to four or five of those present,
gave a highly encouraging account of the day's prospects, but impressed
upon them all, with infinite energy, the necessity for caution and
activity. A great effort was to be made to head the poll from the first,
in order at once to do away with the _prestige_ of the show of hands;
"and the friends of Mr. Titmouse" (_i. e._ the ten pounds' worth of mob)
were to be in attendance round the polling-booth at seven o'clock, and
remain there the rest of the day, in order, by their presence; to
encourage and protect (!) the voters of Mr. Titmouse. This and one or
two other matters having been thus arranged, Mr. Gammon, who was
completely exhausted with his long labor, retired to a bedroom, and
directed that he should without fail be called in one hour's time. As he
threw himself on the bed, with his clothes on, and extinguished his
candle, he had at least the consolation of reflecting, that nine of the
enemy's stanchest voters were safely stowed away, (as he imagined,) and
that seven or eight of the _accessibles_, pledged to Mr. Delamere, had
promised to reconsider the matter.
If Gammon had taken the precaution of packing the front of the
polling-booth in the way I have mentioned, Mr. Crafty had not overlooked
the necessity of securing efficient protection for his voters; and
between seven and eight o'clock no fewer than between four and five
hundred stout yeomen, tenants of Lord De la Zouch and others of the
surrounding nobility and gentry, made their appearance in the town, and
insinuated themselves into the rapidly accumulating crowd: many of them,
however, remaining at large, at the command of Mr. Delamere's committee,
in order, when necessary, to secure safe access to the poll for those
who might require such assistance. It was strongly urged upon Mr. Crafty
to bring up a strong body of voters at the commencement, in order to
head the polling at the end of the first hour. "Not the least occasion
for it," said Crafty, quietly--"I don't care a straw for it: in a small
borough no end can be gained, where the voters are so few in number that
every man's vote is secured long beforehand to a dead certainty. There's
no _prestige_ to be gained or supported. No. Bring up _first_ all the
distant and most uncertain voters--the timid, the feeble, the wavering;
secure _them_ early while you have time and opportunity. Again, for the
first few hours poll languidly; it _may_ render the enemy over-easy. You
may perhaps make a sham _rush_ of about twenty or thirty between twelve
and one o'clock, to give them the idea that you are doing your very
best. Then fall off, poll a man now and then only, and see what _they_
will do, how _they_ are playing off their men. If you can hang back till
late in the day, then direct, very secretly and cautiously, the bribery
oath and the questions to be put to each of the enemy's men as they come
up; and, while you are thus picking them off, pour in your own voters
before the opposite party is aware of your game, and the hour for
closing the poll _may_ perhaps arrive while some dozen or so of their
men are unpolled. But above all, gentlemen," said Crafty, "every one to
his own work only. One thing, at a time, throughout the day; which is
quite long enough for all you have to do. Don't hang back in order to
bring up several voters at once; if you have _one_ ready, take him up
instanter, and have done with him. Don't give yourselves the least
concern about ascertaining the numbers that _have_ polled, but only
those that have _yet to be_ polled; the returns I will look after. Let
those stand behind the check-clerks, who are best acquainted with the
names, persons, and circumstances of the voters who come up, and can
detect imposture of any sort before the vote is recorded, _and the
mischief done_. The scoundrel may be thus easily _kept off_ the
poll-books, whom it may cost you a thousand pounds hereafter to attempt
to remove, in vain."
The day was bright and frosty; and long before eight o'clock the little
town was all alive with music, flags, cheering, and crowds passing to
and fro. The polling-booth was exceedingly commodious and well
constructed, with a view to the most rapid access and departure of the
voters. By eight o'clock there were more than a couple of thousand
persons collected before the booth; and--significant evidence of the
transient nature of yesterday's excitement!--the yellow colors appeared
as five to one. Just before eight o'clock, up drove Mr. Titmouse, in a
dog-cart, from which he jumped out amid the cheers of almost all
present, and skipped on to the bench behind his own check-clerk, with
the intention of remaining there all day to acknowledge the votes given
for him! But Mr. Delamere, with a just delicacy and pride, avoided
making his appearance either at or near the booth, at all events till
the voting was over. The first vote given was that of Obadiah Holt, the
gigantic landlord of the Hare and Hounds, and for Mr. Delamere; the
event being announced by a tremendous groan; but no one ventured any
personal incivility to the laughing giant that passed through them. A
loud cheer, as well as a sudden bobbing of the head on the part of
Titmouse, announced that the second vote had been recorded for him; and,
indeed, during the next twenty minutes he polled fifteen for Delamere's
eight. At _nine_ o'clock the poll stood thus--
Titmouse 31
Delamere 18
--
Majority 13
Steadily adhering to Mr. Crafty's system, at _ten_ o'clock the poll
stood--
Titmouse 53
Delamere 29
--
Majority 24
At _eleven_ o'clock--
Titmouse 89
Delamere 41
--
Majority 48
At _twelve_ o'clock--
Titmouse 94
Delamere 60
--
Majority 34
At _one_ o'clock--
Titmouse 129
Delamere 84
--
Majority 45
At this point they remained stationary for some time; but Delamere had
polled all his _worst votes_, Titmouse almost all his _best_. The latter
had, indeed, only _seventeen_ more in reserve, independently of the
Quaint Club, and the still neutral _twenty_ accessibles; while Delamere
had yet, provided his promises stood firm, and none of his men were
hocussed or kidnapped, forty-five good men and true--and some faint
hopes, also, of the aforesaid twenty accessibles. For a quarter of an
hour not one man came up for either party; but at length two of
Delamere's leading friends came up, with faces full of anxiety, and
recorded their votes for Delamere, amid loud laughter. About half-past
one o'clock a prodigious--and I protest that it was both to Lord De la
Zouch and his son a totally unexpected--rush was made on behalf of
Delamere, consisting of _the twenty accessibles_; who in the midst of
yelling, and hissing, and violent abuse, voted, one after another, for
Delamere. Whether or not a strong pressure had been resorted to by some
zealous and powerful gentlemen in the neighborhood, but entirely
independent of Mr. Delamere, I know not; but the fact was as I have
stated. At _two_ o'clock the poll stood thus--
Titmouse 145
Delamere 134
---
Majority 11
Thus Titmouse had then polled within one of his positive reserve, and
yet was only eleven above Delamere, who had still _fifteen_ men to come
up!
"Where is the Quaint Club?" began to be more and more frequently and
earnestly asked among the crowd: but no one could give a satisfactory
answer; and more than one conjecture was hazarded, as to the possibility
of their coming up under _blue_ colors. But--_where were they_? Were
they watching the state of the poll, and under marching orders for the
moment when the enemy should be at his extremity? 'T was indeed a matter
of exquisite anxiety!--Between two o'clock and a quarter past, not one
voter was polled on either side; and the crowd, wearied with their long
labors of hissing and shouting, looked dispirited, listless, and
exhausted. By-and-by Mr. Gammon, and Messrs. Bloodsuck, (senior and
junior,) Mudflint, Woodlouse, Centipede, Ginblossom, Going Gone, Hic Hæc
Hoc, and others, made their appearance in the booth, around Titmouse.
They all looked sour, depressed, and fatigued. Their faces were indeed
enough to sadden and silence the crowd. Were Mr. Titmouse's forces
exhausted?--"Where's the Quaint Club?" roared out a man in the crowd,
addressing Mr. Gammon, who smiled wretchedly in silence. The reason of
his then appearing at the polling-booth was certainly to ascertain the
fate of the Quaint Club; but he had also another; for he had received
information that within a short time Dr. Tatham, and also fourteen of
the Yatton tenantry, were coming up to the poll. Mr. Gammon,
accordingly, had not stood there more than five minutes, before a sudden
hissing and groaning announced the approach of a Blue--in fact, it
proved to be little Dr. Tatham, who had been prevented from earlier
coming up, through attendance on one or two sick parishioners, in
different parts of the neighborhood, to whom he had been summoned
unexpectedly. It cost the quiet stout-hearted old man no little effort,
and occasioned him a little discomposure, elbowed, and jolted, and
insulted as he was; but at length there he stood before the
poll-clerks--who did not require to ask him his name or residence.
Gammon gazed at him with folded arms, and a stern and sad countenance.
Presently, inclining slightly towards Mudflint, he seemed to whisper in
that gentleman's ear; and--"Administer the bribery oath," said the
latter to the returning officer, eagerly.
"Sir," exclaimed that functionary, in a low tone, with amazement--"the
bribery oath--! To Dr. Tatham? Are you in earnest?"
"Do your duty, sir!" replied Mudflint, in a bitter, insulting tone.
"I regret to inform you, sir, that I am required to administer the
bribery oath to you," said the returning officer to Dr. Tatham, bowing
very low.
"What? What? The bribery oath? To _me_?" inquired Dr. Tatham, giving a
sudden start, and flushing violently: at which stringent evidence of his
guilt--
"Aha!" cried those of the crowd nearest to him--"Come, old gentleman!
Thou mun bolt it now!"
"Is it pretended to be believed," faltered Dr. Tatham, with visible
emotion--"that _I am bribed_?" But at that moment his eye happened to
light upon the exulting countenance of "the Reverend" Mr. Mudflint. It
calmed him. Removing his hat, he took the Testament into his hand, while
the crowd ceased hooting for a moment, in order to hear the oath read;
and with dignity he endured the indignity. He then recorded his vote for
Mr. Delamere; and after fixing a sorrowful and surprised eye on Mr.
Gammon, who stood with his hat slouched a good deal over his face, and
looking in another direction, withdrew; and as he turned his mild and
venerable face towards the crowd, the hissing subsided. Shortly
afterwards made their appearance amid great uproar, several of the
tenantry of Mr. Titmouse--all of them looking as if they had come up,
poor souls! rather to receive punishment for a crime, than to exercise
their elective franchise in a free country!--Gammon colored a little;
took out his pocket-book and pencil; and fixing on the first of the
tenantry, Mark Hackett, the eye, as it were, of a suddenly revived
serpent, wrote down his name in silence--but what an expression was on
his face! Thus he acted towards every one of those unhappy and doomed
persons; replacing his pocket-book whence he had taken it, as soon as
the last of the little body had polled. It was now a quarter to three
o'clock, (the poll closing finally at _four_,) and thus stood the
numbers:--
Delamere 149
Titmouse 146
---
Majority 3
On these figures being exhibited by an eager member of Mr. Delamere's
committee, there arose a tremendous uproar among the crowd, and cries of
"Tear it down! Tear it down! Ah! Bribery and corruption! Three groans
for Delamere! O--h! o----h! o----h!" Matters seemed, indeed, getting
desperate with the crowd; yet they seemed to feel a sort of comfort in
gazing at the stern, determined, but chagrined countenance of the ruling
spirit of the day, Mr. Gammon. He was a "deep hand,"--thought they--he
knew his game; and, depend upon it, he was only waiting till the enemy
was clean done, and then he would pour in the Quaint Club and crush them
forever. Thus thought hundreds before the hustings. Not a vote was
offered for a quarter of an hour; and the poll-clerks, with their pens
behind their ears, employed the interval in munching sandwiches, and
drinking sherry out of a black bottle--the onlookers cutting many jokes
upon them while thus pleasantly engaged. Symptoms were soon visible, in
the increasing proportion of blue rosettes becoming visible in and about
the crowd, that this promising state of things was reviving the hopes of
Mr. Delamere's party, while it as plainly depressed those in the yellow
interest. Not for one moment, during the whole of that close and
exciting contest, had Mr. Crafty quitted his little inner apartment,
where he had planned the battle, and conducted it to its present point
of success. Nor had his phlegmatic temperament suffered the least
excitement or disturbance: cold as ice though his heart might be, his
head was ever clear as crystal. Certainly his strategy had been
admirable. Vigilant, circumspect, equal to every emergency, he had
brought up his forces in perfect order throughout the day; the enemy had
not caught the least inkling of his real game. By his incessant,
ingenious, and _safe_ manœuvring, he had kept that dreaded body, the
Quaint Club, in play up to this advanced period of the day--in a state
of exquisite embarrassment and irresolution, balancing between hopes and
fears; and he had, moreover, rendered a temporary reverse on the field
upon which he then fought, of little real importance, by reason of the
measures he had taken to cut off the enemy entirely in their very next
move. He was now left entirely alone in his little room, standing
quietly before the fire with his hands behind him, with real composure,
feeling that he had done his duty, and awaiting the issue patiently. The
hustings, all this while, exhibited an exciting spectacle. Nearly
another quarter of an hour had elapsed, without a single vote being
added to the poll. The crowd was very great, and evidently sharing no
little of the agitation and suspense experienced by those within the
booth--(except Mr. Titmouse, whose frequent potations of brandy and
water during the day had composed him at length to sleep; and he
leaned--absolutely snoring!--against the corner of the booth, out of
sight of the crowd). The poll-clerks were laughing and talking
unconcernedly together. The leading Blues mustered strongly on their
part of the booth; elated undoubtedly, but with the feelings of men who
have desperately fought their way, inch by inch, sword to sword, bayonet
to bayonet, up to a point where they expect, nevertheless, momentarily
to be blown into the air. What _could_ have become of the Quaint Club?
thought _they_ also, with inward astonishment and apprehension. Gammon
continued standing, motionless and silent, with folded arms--his dark
surtout buttoned carelessly at the top, and his hat slouched over his
eyes, as if he sought to conceal their restlessness and agitation.
Excitement, intense anxiety, and physical exhaustion, were visible in
his countenance. He seemed indisposed to speak, even in answer to any
one who addressed him.
"O cursed Quaint Club!"--said he to himself--"O cursed Crafty! I am
beaten--beaten hollow--ridiculously! How the miscreants have bubbled me!
Crafty can now do without them, and won't endanger the election by
polling them! We are ruined! And what will be said at headquarters,
after what I have led them to believe--bah!" He almost stamped with the
vehemence of his emotions. "There's certainly yet a resource; nay, but
that also is too late--_a riot_--a nod, a breath of mine--those fine
fellows there--would _down_ with hustings, and all the poll-books be
destroyed!--No, no; it is not to be thought of--the time's gone by."
It was now nearly a quarter past three o'clock. "It's passing strange!"
thought Gammon, as he looked at his watch; "what can be in the wind? Not
a single man of them been up for either party! Perhaps, after all, Lord
De la Zouch may not have come up to their mark, and may now be merely
standing on the chance of _our_ being unable to come to terms with them.
But what can I do, without certain destruction, after what I have heard?
It will be simply jumping down into the pit."--A thought suddenly struck
him; and with forced calmness he slipped away from the polling-booth,
and, with an affectation of indifference, made his way to a house where
a trusty emissary awaited his orders. 'T was a Grilston man, a Yellow
voter, as much at Gammon's beck and call as Ben Bran was represented to
be at the command of Lord De la Zouch. Gammon despatched him on the
following enterprise--viz. to rush alarmedly among the club, who knew
_him_, but _not_ his _devotion to Gammon_--to tell them that he had just
discovered, by mere accident, the frightful danger in which they were
placed, owing to Mr. Gammon's being enraged against them on account of
their last proposal--that he had now made up his mind to the loss of the
election, and also to commence prosecutions for bribery against every
single member of the club; for that, having early suspected foul play,
he was in a position "to _nail_ every man of them," without fixing
himself on Mr. Titmouse. If he succeeded thus far--viz. in alarming
them--then, after apparently dire perplexity, he was suddenly to suggest
one mode of at once securing themselves, and foiling their bitter enemy,
Mr. Gammon; viz. hastening up to the polling-booth, without a word to
any one, and, by placing Titmouse at the top of the poll, _destroy
Gammon's motive for commencing his vindictive proceedings_, and so take
him in his own trap. Gammon then returned to the polling-booth, (having
named the signal by which he was to be apprised of success,) and resumed
his former position, without giving to any one near him the slightest
intimation of what he had been doing. If he imagined, however, that any
movement of _his_, at so critical a moment, had not been watched, he was
grievously mistaken. There were three persons whose sole business it had
been, during the whole of that day, to keep a lynx eye upon his every
motion, especially as connected with the Quaint Club. But his cunning
emissary was equal to the exigency; and having (unseen) reconnoitred the
streets for a few moments, he imagined that he detected one, if not two
spies, lurking about. He therefore slipped out of a low back window, got
down four or five back yards, and so across a small hidden alley, which
enabled him to enter, unperceivedly, into the back room of the house he
wished.
"Ben! Ben!" he gasped with an air of consternation.
"Hallo, man! what is 't?" quoth Ben.
"Done! every man of you sold! Mr. Gammon turned tail on you!--Just
happened to overhear him swear a solemn oath to Mr. Mudflint, that
before four-and-twenty hours"....
"Lord!--you did!--did you really?"
"So help me----!" exclaimed the man, aghast.
"What's to be done?" quoth Ben, the perspiration bursting out all over
his forehead. "We've been made the cursedest fools of by _some_
one!--Hang me if I think the old beast at Fotheringham, or the young cub
either, has ever meant"----
"What signifies it? It's all too late now."
"Isn't there _any_ way--eh? To be sure, I own I thought we were pitched
a _leetle_ too high with Mr. Gam"----
"But he has you _now_, though; and you'll find he's a devil
incarnate!--But stop, I see"--he seemed, as if a thought had suddenly
glanced across his puzzled and alarmed mind--"I'll tell you how to do
him, and save yourselves yet."
"O Lord!--eh?" exclaimed Ben, breathlessly.
"But are your men all together?"
"Oh ay! in five minutes' time we could all be on our way to the booth."
"Then don't lose a minute--or all's up forever!--Don't explain to them
the fix they're in till it's all over--and if _ever_ you tell 'em, or
any one, the bit o' service I've"----
"Never, Thomas, so help me----!" quoth Ben, grasping his companion's
hand, as in a vice.
"Off all of you to the booth, and poll for life and death, for
_Titmouse_."
"What? Come--come, Master Thomas!"
"Ay, ay--you fool! Don't you see? Make him win the election, and then,
_in course_, Gammon's no cause to be at you--he'll have got all he
wants."
"My eyes!" exclaimed Ben, as he suddenly perceived the stroke of policy.
He snapped his finger, buttoned his coat, popped out of the
house--within a few moments he was in the midst of the club, who were
all in a back yard, behind a small tavern which they frequented. "Now,
lads!" he exclaimed with a wink of his eye. He took the yellow and the
blue colors out of his bosom: returned the blue, and mounted the yellow:
so in a trice did every one present, not one single question having been
asked at Ben, in whom they had perfect confidence.
But, to return to Mr. Gammon. It was now a moment or two past the half
hour--there was scarcely half an hour more before the election must
close. The mob were getting sullen. The Quaint Club were being asked
for--now with hisses, then with cheers. All eyes were on Gammon, who
felt that they were. His face bore witness to the intensity of his
emotions; he did not any longer even attempt to disguise his desperate
disappointment. His nerves were strung to their highest pitch of
tension; and his eye glanced incessantly, but half-closed, towards a
corner house at a little distance; ah! that eye was suddenly lit up, as
it were, with fire--never had been such an instantaneous change seen in
a man's face before. He had at length caught the appointed signal; a man
appeared at a window, and appeared accidentally to drop a little stick
into the street. A mighty sigh escaped from the pent-up bosom of Gammon,
and relieved him from a sense of suffocation. His feelings might have
been compared to those excited in our great commander, when the
Prussians made their appearance at Waterloo. The battle was won; defeat
converted into triumph; but suddenly recollecting himself--aware that
every muscle of his face was watched--he relapsed into his former gloom.
Presently were heard the approaching sounds of music--nearer and nearer
came the clash of cymbals, the clangor of trombone and trumpet, the roll
of the drum;--all the crowd turned their faces towards the quarter
whence the sounds came, and within a few seconds' time was seen turning
the corner, full on its way to the booth, the banner of the Quaint
Club, with yellow rosettes streaming from the top of each pole--yellow
ribbons on every one's breast. THE PEOPLE'S CAUSE HAD TRIUMPHED! Their
oppressors were prostrate! A wild and deafening shout of triumph burst
from the crowd, as if they had been one man; and continued for several
minutes intermingled with the inspiriting sounds of the noble air--"Rule
Britannia!" played by the two bands, (that of Mr. Titmouse having
instantly joined them.) On marched the club, two and two, arm in arm,
with rapid step; their faces flushed with excitement and
exultation--their hands vehemently shaken by the shouting crowd, who
opened a broad lane for them up to the polling-booth. Oh, the contrast
exhibited in the faces of those standing _there_! What gloom, what
vexation, what despair, on the one hand--what signs of frantic
excitement, joy, and triumph, on the other! "Titmouse!" cried the first
member of the club, as he gave his vote; "Titmouse!" cried the second;
"Titmouse!" cried the third; "Titmouse!" cried the fourth. The battle
was won. Mr. Titmouse was in a majority, which went on increasing every
minute, amid tremendous cheering. Mr. Gammon's face and figure would at
that moment have afforded a study for a picture; the strongly repressed
feeling of triumph yet indicating its swelling influence upon his marked
and expressive countenance, where an accurate eye might have detected
also the presence of deep anxiety. Again and again were his hands shaken
by those near him--Mudflint, Bloodsuck, Woodlouse, Centipede, Going
Gone, Ginblossom--as they enthusiastically gave him credit for the
transcendent skill he had exhibited, and the glorious result it had
secured. As the church clock struck four, the books were closed, and the
election was declared at an end, with eighteen of Mr. Titmouse's voters
yet unpolled! Within a few minutes afterwards, Mr. Going Gone hastily
chalked upon the board, and held it up exultingly to the crowd,--
Titmouse 237
Delamere 149
----
Majority 88!
"Hurrah!--hurrah!--hip, hip, hip, hurrah!" burst from the crowd,
while hands were upraised and whirled round, hats flung into
the air, and every other mark of popular excitement exhibited.
"Titmouse!--Titmouse!--NINE TIMES NINE FOR MR. TITMOUSE!" was called
for, and responded to with thrilling and overpowering effect. The newly
elected member, however, could not be pinched, or shaken, or roused, out
of the drunken stupor into which, from the combined influence of liquor
and excitement, he had sunk. To enable him to go through the responsible
duties of the day--viz. bobbing his head every now and then to the
worthy and independent electors who came to invest him with the proud
character of their representative in the House of Commons--he had
brought in his pocket a flask of brandy, which had been thrice
replenished: in a word, the popular idol was decidedly not presentable:
and under the impulse of strong emotion, Mr. Gammon, infinitely to the
disgust of the Reverend Smirk Mudflint, who was charged up to his throat
with combustible matter, and ready to go off at an instant's notice,
stepped forward, and on removing his hat, was received with several
distinct and long-continued rounds of applause. Silence having been at
length partially restored--
"Yes, gentlemen," he commenced in an energetic tone, and with an excited
and determined air and manner, "well may you utter those shouts of joy,
for you have fought a noble fight, and won a glorious victory, (_great
cheering._) Your cause, the cause of freedom and good government, is
triumphant over all opposition, (_immense cheering._) The hideous forms
of bigotry and tyranny are at this moment lying crushed and writhing,
(vehement cheering rendered the rest of the sentence inaudible.)
Gentlemen, truth and independence have this day met and overthrown
falsehood and slavery, (_cheers,_) in spite of the monstrous weapons
with which they came into the field, (_groans_)--bribery, (_groans,_)
corruption, (_groans,_) intimidation, (_hisses,_) coercion, and
treachery, (_mingled groans and hisses._) But, gentlemen, thank God, all
was in vain! (_enthusiastic cheering._) I will not say that a defeated
despot is at this moment sitting with sullen scowl in a neighboring
castle, (_tremendous shouts of applause;_) all his schemes frustrated,
all his gold scattered in vain, and trampled under foot by the virtuous
electors whom he sought first to corrupt, and then degrade into slaves,
(_great cheering._) Gentlemen, let us laugh at his despair, (_loud and
prolonged laughter;_) but let us rejoice like men, like freemen, that
the degraded and execrable _faction_ to which he belongs, is defeated,
(_cheering._) Gentlemen, if ever there was a contest in which public
spirit and principle triumphed over public and private profligacy, this
has been it; and by this time to-morrow, hundreds of constituencies will
be told, as their own struggles are approaching, to--_look at
Yatton_--to emulate her proud and noble example; and England will soon
be enabled to throw off the hateful incubus that has so long oppressed
her, (_immense cheering._) But, gentlemen, you are all exhausted, (_No!
no! and vehement cheers;_) Mr. Titmouse's friends are _all_ exhausted
after the great labor and excitement of this glorious day, and need
repose, in order that on the morrow we may meet refreshed, to enjoy the
full measure of our triumph, (_cheering._) In particular, your
distinguished representative, Mr. Titmouse, worn out with the excitement
of the day, long depressed by the adverse aspect of the poll, was so
overpowered with the sudden and glorious change effected by that band
of patriots who----(the rest of the sentence was drowned in cheering.)
Gentlemen, he is young, and unaccustomed to such extraordinary and
exciting scenes, (_hear, hear, hear!_) but by the morrow he will have
recovered sufficiently to present himself before you, and thank you with
enthusiasm and gratitude, (_cheers._) In his name, gentlemen, I do, from
my soul, thank you for the honor which you have conferred upon him, and
assure you that he considers any past success with which Providence may
have blessed him, (_hear, hear, hear!_) as nothing, when compared with
the issue of this day's struggle, (_cheering._) Rely upon it, that his
conduct in Parliament will not disgrace you, (_no, no, no!_) And now,
gentlemen, I must conclude, trusting that with victory will cease
animosity, and that there will be an immediate declaration of those
feelings of frank and manly cordiality, and good feeling, which ought to
distinguish free fellow-citizens, and which, above all, are signally
characteristic of Englishmen, (_cheering._) Shake hands, gentlemen, with
a fallen enemy, (_we will, we will!_) and forget, having conquered, that
you ever fought."
With these words, uttered with the fervor and eloquence which had indeed
distinguished the whole of his brief address, he resumed his hat, amid
tremendous shouts of "three times three for Mr. Titmouse!"--"three times
three for Mr. Gammon!"--"nine times nine groans for Mr. Delamere!"--all
of which were given with tumultuous energy. The two bands approached;
the procession formed; the nearly insensible Titmouse, his face deadly
pale, and his hat awry, was partly supported and partly dragged along
between Mr. Gammon and Mr. Going Gone; and to the inspiring air of "See
the Conquering Hero comes," and accompanied by the cheering crowd, they
all marched in procession to Mr. Titmouse's committee-room. He was
hurried up-stairs; then led into a bedroom; and there soon, alas!
experienced the overmastering power of sickness; which instantly
obliterated all recollection of his triumph, and made him utterly
unconscious of the brilliant position to which he had just been
elevated--equally to the honor of himself and his constituency, who
justly and proudly regarded
"TITTLEBAT TITMOUSE, ESQ., M. P."
as the glorious first-fruits to them of the glorious "_Bill for giving
Everybody Everything_."
At a late hour, that night, an interview took place between Ben Bran and
Mr. Gammon, of which all that I shall say at present is, that it was
equally confidential and satisfactory. There can be no harm, however, in
intimating that Mr. Gammon made no allusion to the arrival of the Greek
kalends; but he _did_ to----the fifteenth day after the meeting of
Parliament.[2] He satisfied Ben--and through him the Quaint Club--that
Lord De la Zouch's agents had been only deluding them, and had laid a
deep plan for ensnaring the club--which Gammon had early seen through,
and endeavored to defeat. A little circumstance which happened some two
or three days afterwards, seemed to corroborate the truth of at least a
portion of his statements--viz. eight prosecutions for bribery were
brought against so many members of the Quaint Club: and on their hastily
assembling to consult upon so startling an incident, one still more so
came to light;--_five leading members were not to be found_!! Writs in
actions for penalties of £500 each, were on the same day served
upon--Barnabas Bloodsuck, Smirk Mudflint, (otherwise called _the
Reverend_ Smirk Mudflint,) Cephas Woodlouse, and--woe is me that I
should have it to record!--"OILY GAMMON, gentleman, one of the attorneys
of our lord the king, before the king himself, at Westminster." The
amount claimed from him was £4,000; from Bloodsuck £3,000; and from
Mudflint £2,500, which would, alas! have alone absorbed all the
pew-rents of his little establishment for one hundred years to come, if
his system of moral teaching should so long live. What was the
consternation of these gentlemen to discover, when in their turn they
called a private meeting of their leading friends, that one of them also
was missing--viz. _Judas M'Do'em_! Moreover, it was palpable that amid
an ominous silence and calmness on the other side--even on the part of
the _True Blue_--the most guarded and systematic and persevering search
for evidence was going on; and with all Gammon's self-possession, the
sudden sight of Mr. Crafty stealthily quitting the house of an humble
Yellow voter, a week after the election, occasioned him somewhat
sickening sensations. Gammon was not unaccustomed to wade in deep
waters; but these were _very_ deep! However, a great point had been
gained. Mr. Titmouse was M. P. for Yatton; and Mr. Gammon had maintained
his credit in high quarters, where he had stood pledged as to the result
of the election; having been long before assured that every member
returned into the new Parliament was worth his weight in gold. Such were
the thoughts passing through the acute and powerful mind of Gammon, as
he sat late one night, shortly afterwards, alone at Yatton, Mr. Titmouse
having retired to his bedroom half stupefied with liquor, and anxious to
complete matters by smoking himself to sleep. The wind whistled
cheerlessly round the angle of the Hall in which was situated the room
where he sat, his feet resting on the fender, his arms folded, and his
eyes fixed on the fire. Then he took up the newspaper recently arrived
from town, which contained a report of his speech to the electors at the
close of the poll; it was the organ of the Whig party--the _Morning
Growl_; and its leading article commented in very encomiastic terms
upon his address, "given in another part of the paper." His soul heaved
with disgust at the thoughts of his own dissimulation;--"Independence!"
"Purity of Election!" "Public Principle!" "_Triumph of Principle!_"
"Popular enthusiasm!" "Man of the people!"--"_Look_," thought
he--"eugh--_at Titmouse_! Is _representation_ an utter farce--a mere
_imaginary_ privilege of the people? If not, what but public swindlers
are we who procure the return of such idiots as--faugh! Would I had been
on the other"----He rose, sighed, lit his chamber candle, and retired to
bed, but not to rest; for he spent several hours in endeavoring to
retrace every step which he had taken in the election--with a view to
ascertain how far it could be proved that he had legally implicated
himself. The position in which, indeed, he and those associated with him
in the proceedings, were placed, was one which required his most anxious
consideration, with a view, not merely to the retention of Mr.
Titmouse's seat, so hardly won, but to the tremendous personal
liabilities with which it was sought to fix himself, Gammon. The
inquiries which he instituted into the practices which he had been led
to believe prevailed openly upon the other side, led to no satisfactory
results. If the enemy had bribed, they had done so with consummate skill
and caution. Yet he chose to assume the _air_ of one who thought
otherwise; and gave directions for writs for penalties to be forthwith
served upon Mr. Parkinson, Mr. Gold, Mr. St. Aubyn, and Mr.
Milnthorpe--all of whom, as indeed he had expected, only laughed at him.
But it was wofully different as regarded himself and his friends; for,
before Mr. Crafty took his departure from Yatton, he had collected a
body of evidence, against all of them, of the most fearful stringency
and completeness. In fact, Lord De la Zouch had determined that, if it
cost him ten thousand pounds more, he would spare no effort, as well to
secure the seat for his son, as to punish those who had been guilty of
the atrocious practices which had been revealed to him.
Need I say with what intense interest, with what absorbing anxiety, the
progress of this contest had been watched by the Aubreys? From Lady De
la Zouch and other friends, but more especially from Dr. Tatham, who had
regularly forwarded the _True Blue_, and also written frequent and full
letters, they had learned, from time to time, all that was going on. Mr.
Aubrey had prepared them for the adverse issue of the affair; he had
never looked for anything else; but could he or any of them feel
otherwise than a painful and indignant sympathy with the little doctor,
on reading his account of the gross insult which had been offered to him
at the hustings? Kate, before she had read half of it, sprang from her
chair, threw down the letter, cried bitterly, then kissed the venerable
doctor's handwriting, and walked to and fro, flashing lightning from her
eyes, as her vivid fancy painted to her with painful distinctness that
scene of wanton and brutal outrage on one of the most gentle,
benevolent, and spotless of God's creatures, whose name was associated
in all their minds with everything that was pious, pure, and
good--indeed they were all powerfully affected. As for _the Reverend_
Smirk Mudflint--"Presumptuous wretch!" quoth Kate, as her flashing eye
met that of her brother: and he felt that his feelings, like her own,
could not be expressed. The first account she received of the outrage
perpetrated on Delamere was in the columns of the _True Blue_, which,
being published on the evening of the nomination, had been instantly
forwarded to town by Dr. Tatham. It blanched her cheek; she then felt a
mist coming over her eyes--a numbness--a faintness ensued, and she sank
upon the sofa, and swooned. It was a long while, after she had
recovered, before a flood of tears relieved her excitement. 'T was no
use disguising matters, even had she felt so disposed, before those who
felt so exquisite and vivid a sympathy with her; and who did not
restrain their ardent and enthusiastic expressions of admiration at the
spirited and noble manner in which Delamere had commenced and carried on
his adventure. At whose instance, and to please whom, had it been really
undertaken? Kate's heart fluttered intensely at the bare notion of
seeing him again in Vivian Street. He would come--she felt--with a sort
of _claim_ upon her!--And he made his at once desired and dreaded
appearance some days afterwards, quite unexpectedly. Kate was playing on
the piano, and had not heard his knock; so that he was actually in the
drawing-room before she was aware of his being in London, or had formed
the slightest expectation of such an event.
"Heavens, Mr. Delamere!--Is it you?" she stammered, rising from the
piano, her face having suddenly become pale.
"Ay, sweet Kate--unless I am become some one else, as--_the rejected of
Yatton_"--he replied fondly, as he grasped her hands fervently in his
own, and led her to the sofa.
"Don't--don't--Mr. Delamere"--said she, faintly, striving to disengage
one of her hands, which she instantly placed before her eyes to conceal
her rising emotion. Her brother and Mrs. Aubrey considerately came to
her relief, by engaging Delamere in conversation. He saw their object;
and releasing Miss Aubrey, for the present, from his attentions, soon
had entered into a long and very animated account of all his Yatton
doings. In spite of herself, as it were, Kate drew near the table, and,
engrossed with interest, listened, and joined in the conversation, as if
it had not been actually DELAMERE who was sitting beside her. He made
very light of the little accident of the wounded lip--but as he went on,
Kate looked another way, her eyes obstructed with tears, and her very
heart yearning towards him. "Oh, Mr. Delamere!"--she suddenly and
vehemently exclaimed--"what _wretches_ they were to use you so!" and
then blushed scarlet.
"Well--see if I'm not M.P. for Yatton, yet"--said Delamere, with a
confident air, just before he rose to go--"and that within a few weeks,
too, and _then_"----
"Don't be too sure of _that_," said Aubrey, gravely.
"Sure? I've no more doubt of it," replied Delamere, briskly, "than I
have of our now being in Vivian Street--if there be the slightest
pretence to fairness in a committee of the House of Commons. Why, upon
my honor, we've got no fewer than eleven distinct, unequivocal,
well-supported"----
"If election committees are to be framed of such people as appear to
have been returned"----....
Did, however, the gaudy flower of Titmouse's victory at Yatton contain
the seeds of inevitable defeat at St. Stephen's? 'T was surely a grave
question; and had to be decided by a tribunal, the constitution of
which, however, the legislature hath since, in its wisdom, seen fit
altogether to alter. With matters, therefore, as they then were--but now
are not--I deal freely, as with history.
The first glance which John Bull caught of his new House of Commons,
under the _Bill for giving Everybody Everything_, almost turned his
stomach, strong as it was, inside out; and he stood for some time
staring with feelings of alternate disgust and dismay. Really, as far at
least as outward appearance and behavior went, there seemed scarcely
fifty gentlemen among them; and those appeared ashamed and afraid of
their position. 'T was, indeed, as though the scum that had risen to
the simmering surface of the caldron placed over the fierce fires of
revolutionary ardor, had been ladled off and flung upon the floor of the
House of Commons. The shock and mortification produced such an effect
upon John, that he took for some time to his bed, and required a good
deal of severe treatment, before he in any degree recovered himself. It
was, indeed, a long while before he got quite right in his head!--As the
new House anticipated a good deal of embarrassment from the presidency
of the experienced and dignified person who had for many years filled
the office of Speaker, they chose a new one; and then, breathing freely,
started fair for the session.
Some fifty seats were contested; and one of the very earliest duties of
the new Speaker, was to announce the receipt of "a petition from certain
electors of the borough of Yatton, complaining of an undue return; and
praying the House to appoint a time for taking the same into its
consideration." Mr. Titmouse, at that moment, was modestly sitting
immediately behind the Treasury bench, next to a respectable
pork-butcher, who had been returned for an Irish county, and with whom
Mr. Titmouse had been dining at a neighboring tavern; where he had drunk
whiskey and water enough to elevate him to the point of rising to
present several petitions from his constituents--_first_, from Smirk
Mudflint, and others, for opening the universities of Oxford and
Cambridge to Dissenters of every denomination, and abolishing the
subscription to the Thirty-Nine Articles; _secondly_, from Mr. Hic Hæc
Hoc, praying for a commission to inquire into the propriety of
translating the Eton Latin and Greek grammars into English; _thirdly_,
from several electors, praying the House to pass an act for exempting
members of that House from the operation of the Bankruptcy and
Insolvency Laws, as well as from arrest on mesne and final process; and
_lastly_, from certain other electors, praying the House to issue a
commission to inquire into the cause of the _Tick_ in sheep. I say this
was the auspicious commencement of his senatorial career, meditated by
Mr. Titmouse, when his ear caught the above startling words uttered by
the Speaker; which so disconcerted him--prepared though he was for some
such move on the part of his enemies, that he resolved to postpone the
presentation of the petitions of his enlightened constituents, till the
ensuing day. After sitting in a dreadful fright for some twenty minutes
or so, he felt it necessary to go out and calm his flurried spirits with
a glass of brandy and soda-water. As he was leaving the House, a little
incident happened to him, which was attended with very memorable
consequences.
"A word with you, sir," whispered a commanding voice, in his ear, as he
felt himself caught hold of by some one sitting at the corner of the
Treasury Bench--"I'll follow you out--_quietly_, mind."
The speaker was a Mr. SWINDLE O'GIBBET, a tall, elderly, and somewhat
corpulent person, with a broad-brimmed hat, a slovenly surtout, and
vulgar swaggering carriage; a ruddy shining face, that constantly wore a
sort of greasy smile; and an unctuous eye, with a combined expression of
cunning, cowardice, and ferocity. He spoke in a rich brogue, and with a
sort of confidential and cringing familiarity; yet, withal, 't was with
the air and the tone of a man conscious of possessing great direct
influence out of doors, and indirect influence within doors. 'T was, in
a word, at once insinuating and peremptory--submissive and truculent.
Several things had concurred to give Titmouse a very exalted notion of
Mr. O'Gibbet. First, a noble speech of his, in which he showed infinite
"_pluck_" in persevering against shouts of "order" from all parts of the
House for an hour together; secondly, his sitting on the front bench,
often close beside little LORD BULFINCH, the leader of the House. His
Lordship was a Whig; and though, as surely I need hardly say, there are
thousands of Whigs every whit as pure and high-minded as their Tory
rivals, his Lordship was a very _bitter_ Whig. The bloom of original
Whiggism, however, ripening fast into the rottenness of Radicalism, gave
out at length an odor which was so offensive to many of his own early
friends, that they were forced to withdraw from him. Personally,
however, he was of respectable character, and a man of considerable
literary pretensions, and enjoyed that Parliamentary influence generally
secured to the possessor of talent, tact, experience, and temper. Now,
it certainly argued some resolution in Mr. O'Gibbet to preserve an air
of swaggering assurance and familiarity beside his aristocratic little
neighbor, whose freezing demeanor towards him--for his Lordship evinced
even a sort of shudder of disgust when addressed by him--Mr. O'Gibbet
felt to be visible to all around. Misery makes strange bed-fellows, but
surely politics stranger still; and there could not have been a more
striking instance of it, than in Lord Bulfinch and Mr. O'Gibbet sitting
side by side--as great a contrast in their persons as in their
characters. But the third and chief ground of Titmouse's admiration of
Mr. O'Gibbet, was a conversation--private and unheard the parties had
imagined it, in the lobby of the House; but every word whereof had our
inquisitive, but not excessively scrupulous, little friend contrived to
overhear--between Mr. O'Gibbet and Mr. FLUMMERY, a smiling supple Lord
of the Treasury, and whipper-in of the Ministry. Though generally
confident enough, on this occasion he trembled, frowned, and looked
infinitely distressed. Mr. O'Gibbet chucked him under the chin,
familiarly and good-humoredly, and said--"Oh, murther and Irish! what's
easier?--But it lies in a nut-shell. If you won't do it, I can't swim;
and if I can't swim, you sink--every mother's son of you. Oh, come,
come--give me a bit of a push at this pinch."
"That's what you've said so often"----
"Fait, an' what if I have? And look at the _shoves_ that I've given
_you_," said Mr. O'Gibbet, with sufficient sternness.
"But a--a--really we shall be found out! The House suspects already that
you and we"----
"Bah! bother! hubbabo! Propose you it; I get up and oppose
it--_vehemently_, do you mind--an' the blackguards opposite will carry
it for you, out of love for me, ah, ha!--Aisy, aisy--softly say I! Isn't
that the way to get along?" and Mr. O'Gibbet winked his eye.
Mr. Flummery, however, looked unhappy, and remained silent and
irresolute.
"Oh, my dear sir--_exporrige frontem_! Get along wid you, you know it's
for your own good," said Mr. O'Gibbet; and shoving him on
good-humoredly, left the lobby, while Mr. Flummery passed on, with a
forced smile, to his seat. He continued comparatively silent, and very
wretched, the whole night.
Two hours before the House broke up, but not till after Lord Bulfinch
had withdrawn, Mr. Flummery, seizing his opportunity, got up to do the
bidding, and eventually fulfilled the prophecy, of Mr. O'Gibbet, amid
bitter and incessant jeers and laughter from the opposition.
"Another such victory and we're undone," said Mr. Flummery, with a
furious whisper, soon afterwards to Mr. O'Gibbet.
"Och, go to the ould divil wid ye!" replied Mr. O'Gibbet, thrusting his
tongue into his cheek, and moving off.
Now Titmouse had contrived to overhear almost every word of the above
curious colloquy, and had naturally formed a prodigious estimate of Mr.
O'Gibbet, and his influence in the highest quarters.--But to
proceed.--Within a few minutes' time might have been seen Titmouse and
O'Gibbet earnestly conversing together, remote from observation, in one
of the passages leading from the lobby. Mr. O'Gibbet spoke all the while
in a tone which at once solicited and commanded attention. "Sir, of
course you know you've not a ghost of a chance of keeping your seat?
I've heard all about it. You'll be beat, sir,--dead beat; will never be
able to sit in this _Parlimint_, sir, for your own borough, and be
liable to no end o' penalties for bribery, besides. Oh, _my dear sir_,
how I wish I had been at your elbow! This would never have happened!"
"Oh, sir! 'pon my soul--I--I"--stammered Titmouse, quite thunderstruck
at Mr. O'Gibbet's words.
"Hush--st--_hush_, wid your chattering tongue, sir, or we'll be
overheard, and you'll be ruined," interrupted Mr. O'Gibbet, looking
suspiciously around.
"I--I--beg your pardon, sir, but I'll give up my seat. I'm most uncommon
sorry that ever--curse me if I care about being a mem"----
"Oh! and is _that_ the way you spake of being a mimber o' Parlimint? For
shame, for shame, not to feel the glory of your position, sir! There's
_millions_ o' gintlemen envying you, just now!--Sir, I see that you're
likely to cut a figure in the House."
"But, begging your pardon, sir, if it _costs_ such a precious long
figure--why, I've come down some four or five thousand pounds already,"
quoth Titmouse, twisting his hand into his hair.
"An' what if ye have? What's that to a gintleman o' your consequence in
the country? It's, moreover, only once and for all; only stick in
_now_--and you stay in for seven years, and come in for nothing next
general election; and now--d'ye hear me, sir? for time presses--retire,
and give the seat to a Tory if you will--(what's the name o' the
blackguard? Oh, it's young Delamere)--and have your own borough stink
under your nose all your days! But can you keep a secret like a
gintleman? Judging from your appearance, I should say yes--sir--is it
so?" Titmouse placed his hand over his beating heart, and with a great
oath solemnly declared that he would be "mum as death;" on which Mr.
O'Gibbet lowered his tone to a faint whisper--"You'll distinctly
understand I've nothing to do with it personally, but it's impossible,
sir--d'ye hear?--to fight the divil except with his own weapons--and
there are too many o' the enemies o' the people in the House--a little
_money_, sir--eh? Aisy, aisy--softly say I! Isn't that the way to get
along?" added Mr. O'Gibbet, with a rich leer, and poking Titmouse in the
ribs.
"'Pon my life that'll do--and--and--what's the figure, sir?"
"Sir, as you're a young mimber, and of Liberal principles," continued
Mr. O'Gibbet, dropping his tone still lower, "_three_ thousand
pounds"----Titmouse started as if he had been shot. "Mind, that
_clears_ you, sir, d'ye understand? Everything! Out and out, no
reservation at all at all--divil a bit!"
"'Pon my precious soul, I shall be ruined between you all!" gasped
Titmouse, faintly.
"Sir, you're not the man I took you for," replied Mr. O'Gibbet,
impatiently and contemptuously. "Don't you see a barleycorn before your
nose? You'll be _beat_ after spending three times the money I name, and
be liable to ten thousand pounds' penalties besides for bribery"----
"Oh, 'pon my life, sir, as for _that_," said Titmouse, briskly, but
feeling sick at heart, "I've no more to do with it than--my tiger"----
"Bah! you're a babby, I see!" quoth O'Gibbet, testily. "What's the name
o' your man o' business?--there's not a minute to lose--it's your
greatest friend I mane to be, I assure ye--tut, what's his name?"
"Mr. Gammon," replied Titmouse, anxiously.
"Let him, sir, be with me at my house in Ruffian Row by nine to-morrow
morning to a minute--and alone," said Mr. O'Gibbet, with his lip close
to Titmouse's ear--"and once more, d'ye hear, sir?--a breath about this
to any one, an' you're a ruined man--you're in my power most
complately!"--With this Mr. O'Gibbet and Mr. Titmouse parted--the former
having much other similar business on hand, and the latter determined to
hurry off to Mr. Gammon forthwith: and in fact he was within the next
five minutes in his cab, on his way to Thavies' Inn.
Mr. Gammon was at Mr. O'Gibbet's (of whom he spoke to Titmouse in the
most earnest and unqualified terms of admiration) at the appointed time:
and after an hour's private conference with him, they both went off to
Mr. Flummery's official residence in Pillory Place; but what passed
there I never have been able to ascertain with sufficient accuracy to
warrant me in laying it before the reader.
When the day for taking into consideration the YATTON PETITION had
arrived--on a voice calling out at the door of the House, "Counsel in
the Yatton petition!" in walked forthwith eight learned gentlemen, four
being of counsel for the petitioner, and four for the sitting
member--attended by their respective agents, who stood behind, while the
counsel took their seats at the bar of a very crowded and excited House;
for there were several election committees to be balloted for on that
day. The door was then locked; and the order of the day was read.
Titmouse might have been seen popping up and down about the back
ministerial benches, like a parched pea. On the front Treasury bench sat
Mr. O'Gibbet, his hat slouched over his fat face, his arms folded. On
the table stood several glasses, containing little rolls of paper, each
about two or three inches long, and with the name of every member of the
House severally inscribed on them. These glasses being placed before the
Speaker, the clerk rose, and taking out one or two of the rolls of paper
at a time, presented them to the Speaker; who, opening each, read out
aloud the name inscribed, to the House. Now, the object was, on such
occasions, to draw out the names of _thirty-three_ members then present;
which were afterwards to be reduced, by each party alternately striking
off eleven names, to ELEVEN--who constituted the committee charged with
the trial of the petition. Now the astute reader will see that,
imagining the House to be divided into two great classes, viz. those
_favorable_ and those _opposed_ to the petitioner--according to whose
success or failure a vote was retained, lost, or gained to the
_party_--and as the number of thirty-three cannot be more nearly divided
than into seventeen and sixteen, 't is said by those experienced in such
matters, that in cases where it ran so close--that side invariably and
necessarily won who drew the _seventeenth_ name; seeing that each party
having eleven names of those in his opponent's interest, to expunge out
of the thirty-three, he who luckily drew this prize of the SEVENTEENTH
MAN, was sure to have SIX good men and true on the committee against the
other's FIVE. And thus of course it was, in the case of a greater or
less proportion of favorable or adverse persons answering to their
names. So keenly was all this felt and appreciated by the whole House on
these interesting--these _solemn_, these _deliberative_, and JUDICIAL
occasions--that on every name being called, there were sounds heard,
and symptoms witnessed, indicative of eager delight or intense vexation.
Now, on the present occasion, it would at first have appeared as if some
unfair advantage had been secured by the opposition; since five of
_their_ names were called, to two of those of their opponents; but then
only one of the five _answered_, (it so happening that the other four
were absent, disqualified as being petitioned against, or exempt,) while
both of the _two_ answered!--You should have seen the chagrined faces,
and heard the loud acclamations of "Ts!--ts!--ts!" on either side of the
House, when their own men's names were thus abortively called over!--the
delight visible on the other side!--The issue long hung in suspense; and
at length the scales were evenly poised, and the House was in a state of
exquisite anxiety; for the next eligible name answered to, would really
determine which side was to gain or lose a seat.
"_Sir Ezekiel Tuddington_"--cried the Speaker, amid profound and
agitated silence. He was one of the opposition--but answered not; he was
absent. "Ts! ts! ts!" cried the opposition.
"_Gabriel Grubb_"--This was a ministerial man, who rose, and said he was
serving on another committee. "Ts! ts! ts!" cried the ministerial side.
"_Bennet Barleycorn_"--(opposition)--petitioned against. "Ts! ts! ts!"
vehemently cried out the opposition.
"PHELIM O'DOODLE"----
"Here!" exclaimed that honorable member, spreading triumph over the
ministerial, and dismay over the opposition side of the House; and the
thirty-three names having been thus called and answered to, a loud buzz
arose on all sides--of congratulation or despondency.
The fate of the petition, it was said, was already as good as
decided.--The parties having retired to "strike"[3] the committee,
returned in about an hour's time, and the following members were then
sworn in, and ordered to meet the next morning at eleven o'clock:--
_Ministerial._ _Opposition._
(1.) Sir Simper Silly. (1.) Castleton Plume.
(2.) Noah No-land. (2.) Charles D'Eresby.
(3.) Phelim O'Doodle. (3.) Merton Mortimer.
(4.) Micah M'Squash. (4.) Sir Simon Alkmond, Bart.
(5.) Sir Caleb Calf. (5.) Lord Frederick Brackenbury.
(6.) Och Hubbaboo.
And the six, of course, on their meeting, chose the _chairman_, who was
a sure card--to wit, SIR CALEB CALF, Bart.[4]
Mr. Delamere's counsel and agents, together with Mr. Delamere himself,
met at consultation that evening, all with the depressed air of men who
are proceeding with any undertaking _contra spem_. "Well, what think you
of our committee?" inquired, with a significant smile, Mr. Berrington,
the eloquent, acute, and experienced leading counsel. All present
shrugged their shoulders, but at length agreed that even with _such_ a
committee, their case was an overpowering one; that _no_ committee could
dare to shut their eyes to such an array of facts as were here
collected; the clearest case of _agency_ made out--Mr. Berrington
declared--that he had ever known in all his practice; and eleven
distinct cases of BRIBERY, supported each by at least three
unexceptionable witnesses; together with half-a-dozen cases of TREATING;
in fact, the whole affair, it was admitted, had been most admirably got
up, under the management of Mr. Crafty, (who was present,) and they
_must_ succeed.
"Of course, they'll call for proof of AGENCY first," quoth Mr.
Berrington, carelessly glancing over his enormous brief; "and we'll at
once fix this--what's his name--the Unitarian parson, Muff--Muffin--eh?"
"Mudflint--Smirk Mudflint"----
"Aha!--Well!--we'll begin with him, and----then trot out Bloodsuck and
Centipede. Fix _them_--the rest all follow, and they'll strike, in spite
of their committee--or--egad--we'll have a shot at the sitting member
himself."
By eleven o'clock the next morning the committee and the parties were in
attendance--the room quite crowded--such a quantity of Yatton
faces!--There, near the chairman, with his hat perched as usual on his
bushy hair, and dressed in his ordinarily extravagant and absurd
style--his glass screwed into his eye, and his hands stuck into his
hinder coat-pockets, and resting on his hips, stood Mr. Titmouse; and
after the usual preliminaries had been gone through, up rose Mr.
Berrington with the calm confident air of a man going to open a winning
case--and an overwhelming one he _did_ open--the chairman glancing
gloomily at the five ministerials on his right, and then inquisitively
at the five opposition members on his left. The statement of Mr.
Berrington was luminous and powerful. As he went on, he disclosed almost
as minute and accurate a knowledge of the movements of the Yellows at
Yatton, as Mr. Gammon himself could have supplied him with. That
gentleman shared in the dismay felt around him. 'T was clear that there
had been infernal treachery; that they were all ruined. "By Jove!
there's no standing up against _this_--in spite of our committee--unless
we break them down at the agency--for Berrington don't overstate his
cases," whispered Mr. Granville, the leading counsel for the sitting
member, to one of his juniors, and to Gammon; who sighed and said
nothing. With all his experience in the general business of his
profession, he knew, when he said this, little or nothing of what might
be expected from a _favorable election committee_. Stronger and
stronger, blacker and blacker, closer and closer, came out the
petitioner's case. The five opposition members paid profound attention
to Mr. Berrington, and took notes; while, as for the ministerials, one
was engaged with his betting book, another writing out franks, (in which
he dealt,) a third conning over an attorney's letter, and two were
quietly playing together at "_Tit-tat-to_." As was expected, the
committee called peremptorily for proof of AGENCY; and I will say only,
that if _Smirk Mudflint_, _Barnabas Bloodsuck_, and _Seth Centipede_,
were not fixed as the "AGENTS" of the sitting member--then there is no
such relation as that of principal and agent _in rerum naturâ_; there
never was in this world an agent who had a principal, or a principal who
had an agent.--Take only, for instance, the case of Mudflint. He was
proved to have been from first to last an active member of Mr.
Titmouse's committee; attending daily, hourly, and on hundreds of
occasions, in the presence of Mr. Titmouse--canvassing with
him--consulting him--making appointments with him for calling on voters,
which appointments he invariably kept; letters in his handwriting
relating to the election, signed some by Mr. Titmouse, some by Mr.
Gammon; circulars similarly signed, and distributed by Mudflint, and the
addresses in his handwriting; several election bills paid by him on
account of Mr. Titmouse; directions given by him and observed, as to the
bringing up voters to the poll; publicans' bills paid at the
committee-room, in the presence of Mr. Titmouse--and, in short, many
other such acts as these were established against all three of the above
persons. Such a dreadful effect did all this have upon Mr. Bloodsuck and
Mr. Centipede, that they were obliged to go out, in order to get a
little gin and water; for they were indeed in a sort of death-sweat. As
for Mudflint, he seemed to get sallower and sallower every minute; and
felt almost disposed to utter an inward prayer, had he thought it would
have been of the slightest use. Mr. Berrington's witnesses were fiercely
cross-examined, but no material impression was produced upon them; and
when Mr. Granville, on behalf of the sitting member, confident and
voluble, rose to prove to the committee that his learned friend's case
was one of the most trumpery that had ever come before a committee--a
mere bottle of smoke;--that the three gentlemen in question had been no
more the agents of the sitting member than was he--the counsel then on
his legs--the agent of the Speaker of the House of Commons, and that
every one of the petitioner's witnesses was unworthy of belief--in fact
_perjured_--how suddenly awake to the importance of the investigation
became the ministerialist members! They never removed their eyes from
Mr. Granville, except to take notes of his pointed, cogent, unanswerable
observations! _He called no witnesses._ At length he sat down; and
strangers were ordered to withdraw--and 'twas well they did: for such an
amazing uproar ensued among the committee, as soon as the five
opposition members discovered, to their astonishment and disgust, that
there was the least doubt among their opponents as to the establishment
of agency, as would not, possibly, have tended to raise that committee,
as a judicial body, in public estimation. After an hour and a half's
absence, strangers were readmitted. Great was the rush--for the fate of
the petition hung on the decision to be immediately pronounced. As soon
as the counsel had taken their seats, and the eager, excited crowd been
subdued into something like silence, the chairman, Sir Caleb Calf, with
a flushed face, and a very uneasy expression, read from a sheet of
foolscap paper, which he held in his hand, as follows:--
"Resolved--That the Petitioner's Counsel be directed to _proceed_ with
evidence of AGENCY," [_i. e._ the committee were of opinion that no
sufficient evidence had yet been given, to establish Messrs. Mudflint,
Bloodsuck, and Centipede, as the agents of Mr. Titmouse, in the election
for Yatton!!!] The five opposition members sat with stern indignant
faces, all with their backs turned towards the chairman; and nothing but
a very high tone of feeling, and chivalrous sense of their position, as
members of a public committee of the House of Commons, prevented their
repeating in public their fierce protest against the monstrous decision
at which the committee, through the casting voice of the redoubtable
chairman, had arrived.
Their decision was not immediately understood or appreciated by the
majority of those present. After a pause of some moments, and amid
profound silence--
"Have I rightly understood the resolution of the committee, sir,"
inquired Mr. Berrington, with an amazed air, "that the evidence already
adduced _is not sufficient_ to satisfy them as to the _agency_ of
Messrs. Mudflint, Bloodsuck, and Centipede?"
"The committee _meant_, sir, to express as much," replied the chairman,
dryly, and he sealed a letter with affected indifference: _affected_,
indeed! the letter being one addressed to a friend, to desire him
forthwith to take a hostile message on his--the chairman's--behalf to
Colonel D'Eresby, one of the committee, who had, during the discussion
with closed doors, spoken his mind pretty freely concerning the conduct
of the aforesaid chairman!
"Good God!" exclaimed Mr. Berrington, (on receiving the chairman's
answer to his inquiry,) in a tone of voice loud enough to be heard all
over the room, "_neither would they believe though one rose from the
dead_."
"We'd better strike," said his juniors.
"I think so, too," said Mr. Berrington; adding, as he turned towards
the committee with an air of undisguised disgust, "I protest, sir, that
never in the whole course of my experience have I been so astounded as I
am at the decision to which the committee has just come. Probably, under
these circumstances, the committee will be pleased to adjourn till the
morning, to give us an opportunity of considering the course we shall
pursue." (This produced a great sensation.)
"Certainly, let it be so," replied the chairman, blandly, yet anxiously;
and the committee broke up. Before they met again, three shots a-piece
had been exchanged between the chairman and Colonel D'Eresby--"happily
without effect," and the parties left the ground in as hostile a spirit
as they had reached it. I will say for the colonel, that he was a plain,
straightforward soldier, who did not understand nonsense, nor could
tolerate coquetting with an oath.
"Of course the petition is dropped?" said Mr. Berrington, bitterly, as
soon as all were assembled in the evening, in consultation at his
chambers.
"Of course," was the answer, in a sufficiently melancholy tone.
"So help me heaven!" said Mr. Berrington, "I feel disposed to say I will
never again appear before a committee. This sort of thing cannot go on
much longer! To think that every man of that committee is sworn before
God to do his duty! I'll take care to strike every one of those six men
off from any future list that _I_ may have to do with!"
"I can say only," remarked the second counsel, a calm and experienced
lawyer, "that, in my opinion, had all of us sat down to frame,
beforehand, a perfect case of agency--with facts at will--we could never
have framed one stronger than the one to-day declared insufficient."
"I have been in seven other petitions," said Mr. Berrington, "this very
week; but there the sitting members were Tories: Gracious Heaven! what
facts have been _there_ held sufficient proof of agency!--The _Barnard
Castle_ committee yesterday held that to have been seen once shaking
hands in a pastry-cook's shop with the sitting member, was sufficient
evidence of _agency_--and we've lost the seat! In the _Cucumber_
committee, a man who by chance stood once under a doorway with the
sitting member, in a sudden shower of rain--was held thereby to have
become his agent; and we _there_ also lost the seat!--Faugh! what would
foreigners say if they heard such things?"
"It's perhaps hardly worth mentioning," said Mr. Parkinson; "but this
afternoon I happened to see Mr. O'Gibbet dining with Mr. O'Doodle, Mr.
Hubbaboo, and Mr. M'Squash, off pork and greens, at the Jolly Thieves'
Tavern, in Dodge Street----I--I--they were talking together very
eagerly"----
"The less we say about _that_ the better," replied Mr. Berrington; "I
have not had my eyes shut, I can tell you! It's a hard case, Mr. Crafty;
but after all your pains, and the dreadful expense incurred, it's
nevertheless quite farcical to think of going on with a committee like
this"----
"Of course the petition is abandoned," replied Crafty.
The next morning they again appeared before the committee.
"I have to inform the committee," commenced Mr. Berrington, with
sufficient sternness, "that my learned friends and I, who had, in our
ignorance and inexperience, imagined, till yesterday, that the evidence
we then opened was ten times more than sufficient to establish agency
before any _legal_ tribunal"----
"Counsel will be pleased to moderate their excitement, and to treat the
committee with due respect," interrupted the chairman, warmly, and
reddening as he spoke; while the ministerial members looked very
fiercely at Mr. Berrington, and one or two placed their arms a-kimbo.
--"Have come to the determination to withdraw the petitioner's case from
before the committee; as, under existing circumstances, it would be
utterly absurd to attempt"----
"Fait, sir, an' you're mighty indacent--ye are--an' you'd better keep a
civil tongue in your head," said Mr. O'Doodle, fiercely, and with an
insolent look at Mr. Berrington.
"Sir," said the latter, addressing Mr. O'Doodle with a bitter smile--"as
it is possible to stand where I do without ceasing to be a gentleman, so
it is possible to sit _there_--without becoming one."
"Sir--Misther Chairman--I'll only just ask you, sir--isn't _that_ a
brache of privelige"----
"Oh, be aisy--aisy wid ye--and isn't he _hired_ to say all this?"
whispered Mr. Hubbaboo; and the indignant senator sat down.
"The petition is withdrawn, sir," said Mr. Berrington, calmly.
"Then," subjoined his opponent, as quietly rising as his learned friend
had sat down, "I respectfully apply to the committee to vote it
_Frivolous and vexatious_."
"Possibly the committee will pause before going _that_ length," said Mr.
Berrington, very gravely; but he was mistaken. Strangers were ordered to
withdraw; and, on their readmission, the chairman read the resolution of
the committee, that "Tittlebat Titmouse, Esq., had been and was duly
elected to serve for the borough of Yatton; and that the petition
against his return was FRIVOLOUS and VEXATIOUS:" by which decision, all
the costs and expenses incurred by Mr. Titmouse were thrown upon his
opponent, Mr. Delamere--a just penalty for his wanton and presumptuous
attempt. This decision was welcomed by the crowd in the committee-room
with clapping of hands, stamping of feet, and cheering.--Such was the
fate of the YATTON PETITION. Mr. Titmouse, on entering the House that
evening, was received with loud cheers from the ministerial benches: and
within a few minutes afterwards, Lord Frederick Brackenbury, to give the
House and the public an idea of the important service performed by the
committee, rose and moved that the _evidence should be printed_--which
was ordered.
The next day a very distinguished patriot gathered some of the blooming
fruit of the _Bill for giving Everybody Everything_--(not for himself
personally, however, but _as a trustee for the public_;) so, at least, I
should infer from the following fact, that whereas in the morning his
balance at the banker's was exactly £3, 10s. 7-1/2d.--by the afternoon,
it was suddenly augmented to £3,003, 10s. 7-1/2d.--shortly expressed
thus:--
"£3: 10: 7-1/2 + £3,000 = £3,003: 10: 7-1/2."
Thus might my friend Titmouse exclaim, "Out of this nettle _danger_ I
have plucked the flower _safety_!" 'T was, indeed, fortunate for the
country, that such, and so early, had been the termination of the
contest for the representation of Yatton; for it enabled Mr. Titmouse at
once to enter, with all the energy belonging to his character, upon the
discharge of his legislatorial functions. The very next day after his
own seat had been secured to him by the decision of the committee, he
was balloted for, and chosen one of the members of a committee of which
_Swindle O'Gibbet, Esquire_, was chairman, for trying the validity of
the return of two Tory impostors for an Irish county. So marvellously
quick an insight into the merits of the case did he and his brethren in
the committee obtain, that they intimated, on the conclusion of the
petitioner's counsel's opening address, that it would be quite
superfluous for him to call witnesses in support of a statement of
facts, which it was presumed the sitting members could not think of
seriously contesting. Against this, the sitting members' counsel
remonstrated with indignant energy; on which the committee thought it
best to let him take his own course, which would entail its own
consequences; viz. that the opposition to the petition would be voted
frivolous and vexatious. A vast deal of evidence was then adduced, after
which, as might have been expected, the committee reported to the House,
that Lord Beverly de Wynston (who owned half the county for which he had
presumed to stand) and Sir Harry Eddington, (who owned pretty near the
other half,) both being resident in the county, had been unduly
returned; that two most respectable gentlemen, Mr. O'Shirtless and Mr.
O'Toddy (the one a discarded attorney's clerk, and the other an
insolvent publican, neither of whom had ever been in the county till the
time of the election) ought to have been returned; and the clerk of the
House was to amend the return accordingly; and that the opposition to
the petition had been frivolous and vexatious: which last was an
ingenious and happy device for making the peer and baronet pay the
expense of Messrs. O'Shirtless and O'Toddy's election! Mr. Titmouse
after this formed an intimate acquaintance with the two gentlemen, whom,
infinitely to their own astonishment, he had helped to seat for the
county, and who had many qualities kindred to his own, principally in
the matter of dress and drink. Very shortly afterwards he was elected
one of a committee to inquire into the operation of the Usury Laws, and
another of a still more important character--viz. to inquire into the
state of our relations with foreign powers, with reference to free trade
and the permanent preservation of peace. They continued sitting for a
month, and the latter thus stated the luminous result of their inquiry
and deliberation, in their report to the House: "That the only effectual
mode of securing permanently the good-will of foreign powers, was by
removing all restrictions upon their imports into this country, and
imposing prohibitory duties upon our exports into theirs; at the same
time reducing our naval and military establishments to a point which
should never thereafter occasion uneasiness to any foreign power. And
that any loss of revenue occasioned by the adoption of the former
suggestion, would be compensated for by the saving of expenditure
effected by carrying into effect the latter." He also served on one or
two private committees, attended by counsel. In the course of their
inquiries many very difficult and complicated questions arose, which
called forth great ability on the part of counsel. On one occasion, in
particular, I recollect that Mr. DEPTH, one of the most dexterous and
subtile reasoners to be found at the English bar, having started the
great question really at issue between the parties, addressed a long and
most masterly argument to the committee. He found himself, after some
time, making rapid way with them; and in particular, there were
indications that he had at length powerfully arrested the attention of
Mr. Titmouse, who, with his chin resting on his open hand, and his elbow
on the table, leaned forward towards Mr. Depth, on whom he fixed his eye
apparently with deep attention. How mistaken, however, was Depth!
Titmouse was thinking all the while of two very different matters; viz.
whether he could possibly sit it out without a bottle of soda-water,
laboring as he was, under the sickening effects of excessive potations
over-night; and also whether his favorite little terrier, Titty, would
win or lose in her encounter on the morrow with fifty rats--that being
the number which Mr. Titmouse had betted three to one she would kill in
three minutes' time. The decision to which that committee might come,
would affect interests to the amount of nearly a million sterling, and
might or might not occasion a monstrous invasion of vested rights!
He still continued to occupy his very handsome apartments at the Albany.
You might generally have seen him, about ten o'clock in the morning, (or
say _twelve_, when his attendance was not required upon committees,)
reclining on his sofa, enveloped in a yellow figured satin
dressing-gown, smoking an enormous hookah; with a little table before
him, with a decanter of gin, cold water, and a tumbler or two upon it.
On a large round table near him lay a great number of dinner and evening
cards, notes, letters, public and private, vote-papers, and
Parliamentary reports. Beside him, on the sofa, lay the last number of
the _Sunday Flash_--to which, and to the _Newgate Calendar_, his reading
was, in fact, almost entirely confined. Over his mantelpiece was a large
hideous oil-painting of two brawny and half-naked ruffians, in boxing
attitude; opposite was a very large picture (for which he had given
seventy guineas) of Lord Scaramouch's dog Nestor, in his famous
encounter with two hundred rats, which he killed in the astonishingly
short space of seven minutes and fifteen seconds. Opposite to the door,
however, was the great point of attraction; viz. a full-length portrait
of Titmouse himself. His neck was bare, his ample shirt-collar being
thrown down over his shoulders, and his face looking upwards. The artist
had labored hard to give it that fine indignant expression with which,
in pictures of men of genius, they are generally represented as looking
up towards the moon; but nature was too strong for him--his eye too
accurate, and his brush too obedient to his eye; so that the only
expression he could bring out was one of sensuality and stupid wonder. A
rich green mantle enveloped Titmouse's figure; and amid its picturesque
folds, was visible his left hand, holding them together, and with a
glittering ring on the first and last fingers. In one corner of the
room, on a table, were a pair of foils; and on the ground near them,
three or four pairs of boxing-gloves. On another table lay a guitar--on
another a violin; on both of which delightful instruments he was taking
almost daily lessons. Though the room was both elegantly and expensively
furnished, (according to the taste of its former occupant,) it was now
redolent--as were Mr. Titmouse's clothes--of the odors of tobacco-smoke
and gin and water. Here it was that Mr. Titmouse would often spend hour
after hour boxing with Billy Bully, the celebrated prize-fighter and
pickpocket; or, when somewhat far gone in liquor, playing cribbage or
put with his valet--an artful, impudent fellow, who had gained great
influence over him.
As for the House--Modesty (the twin-sister of Merit) kept Mr. Titmouse
for a long time very quiet there. He saw the necessity of attentively
watching everything which passed around him, in order to become
practically familiar with the routine of business, before he ventured to
step forward into action, and distinguish himself. He had not been long,
however, thus prudently occupied, when an occasion presented itself, of
which he availed himself with all the bold felicitous promptitude of
genius--whose prime distinguishing characteristic is the successful
seizure of opportunity. He suddenly saw that he should be able to bring
into play an early accomplishment of his--one of which, when acquiring
it, how little he dreamed of the signal uses to which it might be
afterwards turned! The great Coke hath somewhere said to the legal
student, that there is no kind or degree of knowledge whatsoever, so
apparently vain and useless that it shall not, if remembered, at one
time or other serve his purpose. Thus it seemed about to be with Mr.
Titmouse, to whom it chanced in this wise. In early life, while
following the humble calling in which he was occupied when first
presented to the reader, he used to amuse himself, in his long journeys
about the streets, with bundle and yard-measure under his arm, by
imitating the cries of cats, the crowing of cocks, the squeaking of
pigs, the braying of donkeys, and the yelping of curs; in which matters
he became at length so great a proficient, as to attract the admiring
attention of passers-by, and to afford great entertainment to the
circles in which he visited. There is probably no man living, though
ever so great a fool, who cannot do _something_ or other well; and
Titmouse became a surprising proficient in the arts I have alluded to.
He could imitate a _bluebottle fly_ buzzing about the window, and,
lighting upon it, abruptly cease its little noise, and anon flying off
again, as suddenly resume it;--a _chicken_, peering and picking its way
cautiously among the growing cabbages;--a _cat_, at midnight on the
moonlit tiles, pouring forth the sorrows of her heart on account of the
absence of her inconstant mate;--a _cock_, suddenly waking out of some
horrid dream--it might be the nightmare--and in the ecstasy of its
fright, crowing as though it would split at once its throat and heart,
alarming all mankind;--a little _cur_, yelping with mingled fear and
rage, at the same time, as it were, advancing backwards, in view of a
fiendish tomcat, with high-curved back, flaming eyes, and spitting
fury. I only wish you had heard Mr. Titmouse on these occasions; it
might, perhaps, even have reminded you of the observation of Dr.
Johnson, that genius, is, "great natural powers accidentally directed."
Now there was, on a certain night, about three months after Titmouse had
been in the House, a kind of pitched battle between the ministry and
their formidable opponents; in which the speakers on each side did their
best to prove (and in the opinion of many, _successfully_) that their
opponents were apostates; utterly worthless; destitute alike of public
and private virtue; unfit to govern; and unworthy of the confidence of
the country, which aforesaid country was indeed in happy plight in
possessing a Parliament unanimous in one thing at least--viz. its own
worthlessness. My Lord Bulfinch rose late on the third evening of the
debate--never had been seen so full a House during the session--and in a
long and able speech contended, (first,) that the opposite side were
selfish, ignorant, and dishonest; and (secondly,) that Ministers had
only imitated their example. He was vehemently cheered from time to
time, and sat down amid a tempest of applause. Up then rose the
ex-minister and leaders of the opposition, and in a very few moments
there was scarce a sound to be heard except that of the delicious
voice--at once clear, harmonious, distinct in utterance, and varied in
intonation--of incomparably the finest Parliamentary orator of the day,
Mr. VIVID. The hearts of those around him, who centred all their hopes
in him, beat with anxious pride. He had a noble cast of countenance--a
brilliant eye--strongly marked and most expressive features--a
commanding figure--a graceful and winning address. His language,
accurate, refined, copious, and vigorous, every word he uttered, _told_.
His illustrations were as rich and apt as his reasonings were close and
cogent; and his powers of ridicule were unrivalled. On the present
occasion he was thoroughly roused, and put forth all his powers: he and
Lord Bulfinch had been waiting for each other during the whole debate;
but Mr. Vivid had at length secured the reply, and truly regarded
himself as the mouthpiece of a great and grievously slandered party in
the state, whom he had risen to vindicate from the elaborate and
envenomed aspersions of Lord Bulfinch, who sat, speedily pierced
through and through with the arrows of poignant sarcasm, amid the loud
laughter of even his own side, so irresistible was the humor of the
speaker. Even Mr. O'Gibbet, who had been from time to time exclaiming
half aloud to those around--"Och, the pitiful fellow! The stupid
baste!--Nivir mind him--Divil a word, my Lord!"--was at length subdued
into silence. In fact, the whole House was rushing along with the rapid,
brilliant, and impassioned speaker. Every now and then, vehement and
tumultuous cheering would burst forth from the opposition, as from one
man, answered by as vehement and determined cheering from the
ministerial benches; but you could not fail to observe an anxious and
alarmed expression stealing over the faces of Lord Bulfinch's
supporters. His Lordship sat immovably, with his arms folded, and eyes
fixed on his opponent, and a bitter smile on his face, glancing
frequently, however, with increasing anxiety towards Mr. O'SQUEAL, the
only "great gun" he had left--that gentleman having undertaken (_infelix
puer, atque impar congressus Achilli!_) to reply to Mr. Vivid. Poor Mr.
O'Squeal himself looked pale and dispirited, and would probably have
given up all his little prospects to be able to sneak away from the post
he had so eagerly occupied, and devolve upon others the responsibility
of replying to a speech looming more and more dreadfully upon his
trembling faculties every moment, as infinitely more formidable in all
points of view than anything he had anticipated. The speech must
electrify the public, even as it was then electrifying the House. He
held a sheet of paper in one hand resting on his knee, and a pen in the
other, with which he incessantly took notes--only to disguise his
fright; for his mind went not with his pen--all he heard was above and
beyond him; he might as well have thought of whistling down a whirlwind;
yet there was no escape for him. Was the uneasy eye of Lord Bulfinch,
more and more frequently directed towards him, calculated to calm or
encourage him? or the sight of the adroit, sarcastic, and brilliant
debater sitting opposite, who had his eye on Mr. O'Squeal, and was
evidently to rise and reply to him? Mr. O'Squeal began to feel cold as
death, and at length burst into a chilly perspiration. After a two
hours' speech, of uncommon power and brilliance, Mr. Vivid wound up with
a rapid and striking recapitulation of the leading points of his policy
when in power, which, he contended, were in triumphant contrast with
those of his successors, which were wavering, inconsistent, perilous to
every national interest, and in despicable subservience to the vilest
and lowest impulses. "And now, sir," said Mr. Vivid, turning to the
Speaker, and then directing a bold and indignant glance of defiance at
Lord Bulfinch--"does the noble Lord opposite talk of _impeachment_! I
ask him in the face of this House, and of the whole country, whose eyes
are fixed upon it with anxiety and agitation--will he presume to repeat
his threat? or will any one on his behalf?"--(turning a glance of
withering scorn towards Mr. O'Squeal)--"Sir, I pause for a reply!"--And
he _did_ pause--several seconds elapsing in dead silence, which was
presently, however, broken in a manner that was perfectly unprecedented,
and most astounding. 'T was a reply to his question; but such as, had he
anticipated it, he would never have put that question, or paused for its
answer.
"_Cock-a-doodle-do-o-o-o!_" issued, with inimitable fidelity of tone and
manner, from immediately behind Lord Bulfinch, who sprang from his seat
as if he had been shot. Every one started; Mr. Vivid recoiled a pace or
two from the table--and then a universal peal of laughter echoed from
all quarters of the House, not excepting even the strangers' gallery.
The Speaker was convulsed, and could not rise to call "order." Lord
Bulfinch laughed himself almost into fits; even those immediately behind
Mr. Vivid were giving way to uncontrollable laughter, at so comical and
monstrous an issue. He himself tried for a moment to join in the laugh,
but in vain; he was terribly disconcerted and confounded. This frightful
and disgusting incident had done away with the effect of his whole
speech; and in twenty-four hours' time, the occurrence would be exciting
merriment and derision in every corner of the kingdom!
"Order! order! order!" cried the Speaker, his face red and swollen with
scarce subdued laughter. Several times Mr. Vivid attempted to resume,
only, however, occasioning renewed peals of laughter. Still he
persevered; and, with much presence of mind, made a pointed and witty
allusion to Rome, saved by the cackling of a goose, in which manner he
said the ministers hoped that night to be saved! 'T was, however,
plainly useless; and after a moment or two's pause of irresolution, he
yielded to his miserable fate, with visible vexation abruptly concluded
his observations, gathered hastily together his papers, and resumed his
seat and his hat--a signal for renewed laughter and triumphant cheering
from the ministerial side of the House. Up _then_ started Mr.
O'Squeal--(as it were under cover of the cock)--and dashed boldly off at
one or two of the weakest points which had been made by his discomfited
adversary, which he dealt with very dexterously; and then threw up a
vast number of rhetorical fireworks, amid the glitter and blaze of which
he sat down, and was enthusiastically cheered. 'T was my friend Mr.
Titmouse that had worked this wonder, and entirely changed the fate of
the day! Up rose Mr. O'Squeal's dreaded opponent--but in vain; he was
quite crestfallen; evidently in momentary apprehension of receiving an
interruption similar to that which Mr. Vivid had experienced. He was
nervous and fidgety--as well he might be; and would most assuredly have
shared the fate of Mr. Vivid, but that Titmouse was (not without very
great difficulty) restrained by Lord Bulfinch, on the ground that the
desired effect had been produced, and would be only impaired by a
repetition. The debate came somewhat abruptly to a close; and the
opposition were beaten by a majority of a _hundred and thirty_--which
really looked something like a working majority.
This happy occurrence at once brought Mr. Titmouse into notice, and very
great favor with his party;--well, indeed, it might, for he had become a
most powerful auxiliary, and need it be added how dreaded and detested
he was by their opponents? How could it be otherwise, with even their
leading speakers, who could scarcely ever afterwards venture on anything
a little out of the common way--a little higher flight than usual--being
in momentary apprehension of being suddenly brought down by some such
disgusting and ludicrous interruption as the one I have mentioned,
indicating the effect which the ambitious speaker was producing upon--a
cat, a donkey, a cock, or a puppy? Ah, me! what a sheep's eye each of
them cast, as he went on, towards Titmouse! And if ever he was observed
to be absent, there was a sensible improvement in the tone and spirit
of the opposition speakers. The ministerial journals all over the
country worked the joke well; and in their leading articles against
any of Mr. Vivid's speeches, would "sum up all, in one memorable
word--'_cock-a-doodle-do!_'"
As is generally the case, the signal success of Mr. Titmouse brought
into the field a host of imitators in the House; and their performances,
inferior though they were, becoming more and more frequent, gave quite a
new character to the proceedings of that dignified deliberative
assembly. At length, however, it was found necessary to pass a
resolution of the House against such practices; and it was entered on
the journals, that thenceforth no honorable member should interrupt
business by whistling, singing, or imitating the sounds of animals, or
making any other disgusting noise whatsoever.
The political importance thus acquired by Mr. Titmouse--and which he
enjoyed till the passing of the above resolution, by which it was cut up
root and branch--had naturally a very elevating effect upon him; as you
might have perceived, had you only once seen him swaggering along the
House to his seat behind the front Treasury bench, dressed in his usual
style of fashion, and with his quizzing-glass stuck into his eye. Mr.
O'Gibbet invariably greeted him with the utmost cordiality, and would
often, at a pinching part of an opposition speech, turn round and invoke
his powers, by the exclamation--"Now, now, Titty!" He dined, in due
course, with the Speaker--as usual, in full court-dress; and, having got
a little champagne in his head, insisted on going through his leading
"imitations," infinitely to the amusement of some half dozen of the
guests, and _all_ the servants. His circle of acquaintance was extending
every day; he became a very welcome guest, as an object of real
curiosity. He was not a man, however, to be always enjoying the
hospitality of others, without at least o
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