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The Adventures of Roderick Random

by T. Smollett · English · Gutenberg #4085 · 1,092,951 chars · public domain (US)

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Title: The Adventures of Roderick Random

Author: T. Smollett


        
Release date: May 1, 2003 [eBook #4085]
                Most recently updated: December 23, 2025

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/4085

Credits: Tapio Riikonen and David Widger


*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM ***




The Adventures of Roderick Random

by Tobias Smollett


Contents

 THE AUTHOR’S PREFACE
 APOLOGUE
 CHAPTER I.
 CHAPTER II.
 CHAPTER III.
 CHAPTER IV.
 CHAPTER V.
 CHAPTER VI.
 CHAPTER VII.
 CHAPTER VIII.
 CHAPTER IX.
 CHAPTER X.
 CHAPTER XI.
 CHAPTER XII.
 CHAPTER XIII.
 CHAPTER XIV.
 CHAPTER XV.
 CHAPTER XVI.
 CHAPTER XVII.
 CHAPTER XVIII.
 CHAPTER XIX.
 CHAPTER XX.
 CHAPTER XXI.
 CHAPTER XXII.
 CHAPTER XXIII.
 CHAPTER XXIV.
 CHAPTER XXV.
 CHAPTER XXVI.
 CHAPTER XXVII.
 CHAPTER XXVIII.
 CHAPTER XXIX.
 CHAPTER XXX.
 CHAPTER XXXI.
 CHAPTER XXXII.
 CHAPTER XXXIII.
 CHAPTER XXXIV.
 CHAPTER XXXV.
 CHAPTER XXXVI.
 CHAPTER XXXVII.
 CHAPTER XXXVIII.
 CHAPTER XXXIX.
 CHAPTER XL.
 CHAPTER XLI.
 CHAPTER XLII.
 CHAPTER XLIII.
 CHAPTER XLIV.
 CHAPTER XLV.
 CHAPTER XLVI.
 CHAPTER XLVII.
 CHAPTER XLVIII.
 CHAPTER XLIX.
 CHAPTER L.
 CHAPTER LI.
 CHAPTER LII.
 CHAPTER LIII.
 CHAPTER LIV.
 CHAPTER LV.
 CHAPTER LVI.
 CHAPTER LVII.
 CHAPTER LVIII.
 CHAPTER LIX.
 CHAPTER LX.
 CHAPTER LXI.
 CHAPTER LXII.
 CHAPTER LXIII.
 CHAPTER LXIV.
 CHAPTER LXV.
 CHAPTER LXVI.
 CHAPTER LXVII.
 CHAPTER LXVIII.
 CHAPTER LXIX.




THE AUTHOR’S PREFACE


Of all kinds of satire, there is none so entertaining and universally
improving, as that which is introduced, as it were occasionally, in the
course of an interesting story, which brings every incident home to
life, and by representing familiar scenes in an uncommon and amusing
point of view, invests them with all the graces of novelty, while
nature is appealed to in every particular. The reader gratifies his
curiosity in pursuing the adventures of a person in whose favour he is
prepossessed; he espouses his cause, he sympathises with him in his
distress, his indignation is heated against the authors of his
calamity: the humane passions are inflamed; the contrast between
dejected virtue and insulting vice appears with greater aggravation,
and every impression having a double force on the imagination, the
memory retains the circumstance, and the heart improves by the example.
The attention is not tired with a bare catalogue of characters, but
agreeably diverted with all the variety of invention; and the
vicissitudes of life appear in their peculiar circumstances, opening an
ample field for wit and humour.

Romance, no doubt, owes its origin to ignorance, vanity, and
superstition. In the dark ages of the World, when a man had rendered
himself famous for wisdom or valour, his family and adherents availed
themselves of his superior qualities, magnified his virtues, and
represented his character and person as sacred and supernatural. The
vulgar easily swallowed the bait, implored his protection, and yielded
the tribute of homage and praise, even to adoration; his exploits were
handed down to posterity with a thousand exaggerations; they were
repeated as incitements to virtue; divine honours were paid, and altars
erected to his memory, for the encouragement of those who attempted to
imitate his example; and hence arose the heathen mythology, which is no
other than a collection of extravagant romances. As learning advanced,
and genius received cultivation, these stories were embellished with
the graces of poetry, that they might the better recommend themselves
to the attention; they were sung in public, at festivals, for the
instruction and delight of the audience; and rehearsed before battle,
as incentives to deeds of glory. Thus tragedy and the epic muse were
born, and, in the progress of taste, arrived at perfection. It is no
wonder that the ancients could not relish a fable in prose, after they
had seen so many remarkable events celebrated in verse by their best
poets; we therefore find no romance among them during the era of their
excellence, unless the _Cyropædia_ of Xenophon may be so called; and it
was not till arts and sciences began to revive after the irruption of
the barbarians into Europe, that anything of this kind appeared. But
when the minds of men were debauched by the imposition of priestcraft
to the most absurd pitch of credulity, the authors of romance arose,
and losing sight of probability, filled their performances with the
most monstrous hyperboles. If they could not equal the ancient poets in
point of genius they were resolved to excel them in fiction, and apply
to the wonder, rather than the judgment, of their readers. Accordingly,
they brought necromancy to their aid, and instead of supporting the
character of their heroes by dignity of sentiment and practice,
distinguished them by their bodily strength, activity, and extravagance
of behaviour. Although nothing could be more ludicrous and unnatural
than the figures they drew, they did not want patrons and admirers; and
the world actually began to be infected with the spirit of
knight-errantry, when Cervantes, by an inimitable piece of ridicule,
reformed the taste of mankind, representing chivalry in the right point
of view, and converting romance to purposes far more useful and
entertaining, by making it assume the sock, and point out the follies
of ordinary life.

The same method has been practised by other Spanish and French authors,
and by none more successfully than by Monsieur Le Sage, who, in his
_Adventures of Gil Blas_, has described the knavery and foibles of
life, with infinite humour and sagacity. The following sheets I have
modelled on his plan, taking me liberty, however, to differ from him in
the execution, where I thought his particular situations were uncommon,
extravagant, or peculiar to the country in which the scene is laid. The
disgraces of Gil Blas are, for the most part, such as rather excite
mirth than compassion; he himself laughs at them; and his transitions
from distress to happiness, or at least ease, are so sudden, that
neither the reader has time to pity him, nor himself to be acquainted
with affliction. This conduct, in my opinion, not only deviates from
probability, but prevents that generous indignation, which ought to
animate the reader against the sordid and vicious disposition of the
world. I have attempted to represent modest merit struggling with every
difficulty to which a friendless orphan is exposed, from his own want
of experience, as well as from the selfishness, envy, malice, and base
indifference of mankind. To secure a favourable prepossession, I have
allowed him the advantages of birth and education, which in the series
of his misfortunes will, I hope, engage the ingenuous more warmly in
his behalf; and though I foresee, that some people will be offended at
the mean scenes in which he is involved, I persuade myself that the
judicious will not only perceive the necessity of describing those
situations to which he must of course be confined, in his low estate,
but also find entertainment in viewing those parts of life, where the
humours and passions are undisguised by affectation, ceremony, or
education; and the whimsical peculiarities of disposition appear as
nature has implanted them. But I believe I need not trouble myself in
vindicating a practice authorized by the best writers in this way, some
of whom I have already named.

Every intelligent reader will, at first sight, perceive I have not
deviated from nature in the facts, which are all true in the main,
although the circumstances are altered and disguised, to avoid personal
satire.

It now remains to give my reasons for making the chief personage of
this work a North Briton, which are chiefly these: I could, at a small
expense, bestow on him such education as I thought the dignity of his
birth and character required, which could not possibly be obtained in
England, by such slender means as the nature of my plan would afford.
In the next place, I could represent simplicity of manners in a remote
part of the kingdom, with more propriety than in any place near the
capital; and lastly, the disposition of the Scots, addicted to
travelling, justifies my conduct in deriving an adventurer from that
country. That the delicate reader may not be offended at the unmeaning
oaths which proceed from the mouths of some persons in these memoirs, I
beg leave to promise, that I imagined nothing could more effectually
expose the absurdity of such miserable expletives, than a natural and
verbal representation of the discourse in which they occur.




APOLOGUE


A young painter, indulging a vein of pleasantry, sketched a kind of
conversation piece, representing a bear, an owl, a monkey, and an ass;
and to render it more striking, humorous, and moral, distinguished
every figure by some emblem of human life. Bruin was exhibited in the
garb and attitude of an old, toothless, drunken soldier; the owl
perched upon the handle of a coffee-pot, with spectacle on nose, seemed
to contemplate a newspaper; and the ass, ornamented with a huge tie-wig
(which, however, could not conceal his long ears), sat for his picture
to the monkey, who appeared with the implements of painting. This
whimsical group afforded some mirth, and met with general approbation,
until some mischievous wag hinted that the whole—was a lampoon upon the
friends of the performer; an insinuation which was no sooner circulated
than those very people who applauded it before began to be alarmed, and
even to fancy themselves signified by the several figures of the piece.

Among others, a worthy personage in years, who had served in the army
with reputation, being incensed at the supposed outrage, repaired to
the lodging of the painter, and finding him at home, “Hark ye, Mr.
Monkey,” said he, “I have a good mind to convince you, that though the
bear has lost his teeth, he retains his paws, and that he is not so
drunk but he can perceive your impertinence.” “Sblood! sir, that
toothless jaw is a d—ned scandalous libel—but don’t you imagine me so
chopfallen as not to be able to chew the cud of resentment.” Here he
was interrupted by the arrival of a learned physician, who, advancing
to the culprit with fury in his aspect, exclaimed, “Suppose the
augmentation of the ass’s ears should prove the diminution of the
baboon’s—nay, seek not to prevaricate, for, by the beard of
Aesculapius! there is not one hair in this periwig that will not stand
up in judgment to convict thee of personal abuse. Do but observe,
captain, how this pitiful little fellow has copied the very curls—the
colour, indeed, is different, but then the form and foretop are quite
similar.” While he thus remonstrated in a strain of vociferation, a
venerable senator entered, and waddling up to the delinquent,
“Jackanapes!” cried he, “I will now let thee see I can read something
else than a newspaper, and that without the help of spectacles: here is
your own note of hand, sirrah, for money, which if I had not advanced,
you yourself would have resembled an owl, in not daring to show your
face by day, you ungrateful slanderous knave!”

In vain the astonished painter declared that he had no intention to
give offence, or to characterise particular persons: they affirmed the
resemblance was too palpable to be overlooked; they taxed him with
insolence, malice, and ingratitude; and their clamours being overheard
by the public, the captain was a bear, the doctor an ass, and the
senator an owl, to his dying day.

Christian reader, I beseech thee, in the bowels of the Lord, remember
this example “while thou art employed in the perusal of the following
sheets; and seek not to appropriate to thyself that which equally
belongs to five hundred different people. If thou shouldst meet with a
character that reflects thee in some ungracious particular, keep thy
own counsel; consider that one feature makes not a face, and that
though thou art, perhaps, distinguished by a bottle nose, twenty of thy
neighbours may be in the same predicament.”




THE ADVENTURES OF RODERICK RANDOM




CHAPTER I


Of my Birth and Parentage


I was born in the northern part of this united kingdom, in the house of
my grandfather, a gentleman of considerable fortune and influence, who
had on many occasions signalised himself in behalf of his country; and
was remarkable for his abilities in the law, which he exercised with
great success in the station of a judge, particularly against beggars,
for whom he had a singular aversion.

My father (his youngest son) falling in love with a poor relation, who
lived with the old gentleman in quality of a housekeeper, espoused her
privately; and I was the first fruit of that marriage. During her
pregnancy, a dream discomposed my mother so much that her husband,
tired with her importunity, at last consulted a highland seer, whose
favourable interpretation he would have secured beforehand by a bribe,
but found him incorruptible. She dreamed she was delivered of a
tennis-ball, which the devil (who, to her great surprise, acted the
part of a midwife) struck so forcibly with a racket that it disappeared
in an instant; and she was for some time inconsolable for the lost of
her offspring; when, all on a sudden, she beheld it return with equal
violence, and enter the earth, beneath her feet, whence immediately
sprang up a goodly tree covered with blossoms, the scent of which
operated so strongly on her nerves that she awoke. The attentive sage,
after some deliberation, assured my parents, that their firstborn would
be a great traveller; that he would undergo many dangers and
difficulties, and at last return to his native land, where he would
flourish in happiness and reputation. How truly this was foretold will
appear in the sequel. It was not long before some officious person
informed my grandfather of certain familiarities that passed between
his son and housekeeper which alarmed him so much that, a few days
after, he told my father it was high time for him to think of settling;
and that he had provided a match for him, to which he could in justice
have no objections. My father, finding it would be impossible to
conceal his situation much longer, frankly owned what he had done; and
excused himself for not having asked the consent of his father, by
saying, he knew it would have been to no purpose; and that, had his
inclination been known, my grandfather might have taken such measures
as would have effectually put the gratification of it out of his power:
he added, that no exceptions could be taken to his wife’s virtue,
birth, beauty, and good sense, and as for fortune, it was beneath his
care. The old gentleman, who kept all his passions, except one, in
excellent order, heard him to an end with great temper, and then calmly
asked, how he proposed to maintain himself and spouse? He replied, he
could be in no danger of wanting while his father’s tenderness
remained, which he and his wife should always cultivate with the utmost
veneration; and he was persuaded his allowance would be suitable to the
dignity and circumstances of his family, and to the provision already
made for his brothers and sisters, who were happily settled under his
protection. “Your brothers and sisters,” said my grandfather, “did not
think it beneath them to consult me in an affair of such importance as
matrimony; neither, I suppose, would you have omitted that piece of
duty, had you not some secret fund in reserve; to the comforts of which
I leave you, with a desire that you will this night seek out another
habitation for yourself and wife, whither, in a short time, I will send
you an account of the expense I have been at in your education, with a
view of being reimbursed. Sir, you have made the grand tour—you are a
polite gentleman—a very pretty gentleman—I wish you a great deal of
joy, and am your very humble servant.”

So saying, he left my father in a situation easily imagined. However,
he did not long hesitate; for, being perfectly well acquainted with his
father’s disposition, he did not doubt that he was glad of this
pretence to get rid of him; and his resolves being as invariable as the
laws of the Medes and Persians, he knew it would be to no purpose to
attempt him by prayers and entreaties; so without any farther
application, he betook himself, with his disconsolate bedfellow to a
farm-house, where an old servant of his mother dwelt: there they
remained some time in a situation but ill adapted to the elegance of
their desires and tenderness of their love; which nevertheless my
father chose to endure, rather than supplicate an unnatural and
inflexible parent but my mother, foreseeing the inconveniences to which
she must have been exposed, had she been delivered in this place (and
her pregnancy was very far advanced), without communicating her design
to her husband, went in disguise to the house of my grandfather, hoping
that her tears and condition would move him to compassion, and
reconcile him to an event which was now irrecoverably past.

She found means to deceive the servants, and get introduced as an
unfortunate lady, who wanted to complain of some matrimonial
grievances, it being my grandfather’s particular province to decide in
all cases of scandal. She was accordingly admitted into his presence,
where, discovering herself, she fell at his feet, and in the most
affecting manner implored his forgiveness; at the same time
representing the danger that threatened not only her life, but that of
his own grandchild, which was about to see the light. He told her he
was sorry that the indiscretion of her and his son had compelled him to
make a vow, which put it out of his power to give them any assistance;
that he had already imparted his thoughts on that subject to her
husband, and was surprised that they should disturb his peace with any
farther importunity. This said, he retired.

The violence of my mother’s affliction had such an effect on her
constitution that she was immediately seized with the pains of
childbed; and had not an old maidservant, to whom she was very dear,
afforded her pity and assistance, at the hazard of incurring my
grandfather’s displeasure, she and the innocent fruit of her womb must
have fallen miserable victims to his rigour and inhumanity. By the
friendship of this poor woman she was carried up to a garret, and
immediately delivered of a man child, the story of whose unfortunate
birth he himself now relates. My father, being informed of what had
happened, flew to the embraces of his darling spouse, and while he
loaded his offspring with paternal embraces, could not forbear shedding
a flood of tears on beholding the dear partner of his heart (for whose
ease he would have sacrificed the treasures of the east) stretched upon
a flock bed, in a miserable apartment, unable to protect her from the
inclemencies of the weather. It is not to be supposed that the old
gentleman was ignorant of what passed, though he affected to know
nothing of the matter, and pretended to be very much surprised, when
one of his grandchildren, by his eldest son deceased, who lived with
him as his heir apparent, acquainted him with the affair; he determined
therefore to observe no medium, but immediately (on the third day after
her delivery) sent her a peremptory order to be gone, and turned off
the servant who had preserved her life. This behaviour so exasperated
my father that he had recourse to the most dreadful imprecations; and
on his bare knees implored that Heaven would renounce him if ever he
should forget or forgive the barbarity of his sire.

The injuries which this unhappy mother received from her removal in
such circumstances, and the want of necessaries where she lodged,
together with her grief and anxiety of mind, soon threw her into a
languishing disorder, which put an end to her life. My father, who
loved her tenderly, was so affected with her death that he remained six
weeks deprived of his senses; during which time, the people where he
lodged carried the infant to the old man who relented so far, on
hearing the melancholy story of his daughter-in-law’s death, and the
deplorable condition of his son, as to send the child to nurse, and he
ordered my father to be carried home to his house, where he soon
recovered the use of his reason.

Whether this hardhearted judge felt any remorse for his cruel treatment
of his son and daughter, or (which is more probable) was afraid his
character would suffer in the neighbourhood, he professed great sorrow
for his conduct to my father, whose delirium was succeeded by a
profound melancholy and reserve. At length he disappeared, and,
notwithstanding all imaginable inquiry, could not be heard of; a
circumstance which confirmed most people in the opinion of his having
made away with himself in a fit of despair. How I understood the
particulars of my birth will appear in the course of these memoirs.




CHAPTER II


I grow up—am hated by my Relations—sent to School—neglected by my
Grandfather—maltreated by my Master—seasoned to Adversity—I form Cabals
against the Pedant—am debarred Access to my Grandfather—hunted by his
Heir—I demolish the Teeth of his Tutor


There were not wanting some who suspected my uncles of being concerned
in my father’s fate, on the supposition that they would all share in
the patrimony destined for him; and this conjecture was strengthened by
reflecting that in all his calamities they never discovered the least
inclination to serve him; but, on the contrary, by all the artifices in
their power, fed his resentment and supported his resolution of leaving
him to misery and want. But people of judgment treated this insinuation
as an idle chimera; because, had my relations been so wicked as to
consult their interest by committing such an atrocious crime, the fate
of my father would have extended to me too whose life was another
obstacle to their expectation. Meanwhile, I grew apace, and as I
strongly resembled my father, who was the darling of the tenants, I
wanted nothing which their indigent circumstances could afford: but
their favour was a weak resource against the jealous enmity of my
cousins; who the more my infancy promised, conceived the more
implacable hatred against me: and before I was six years of age, had so
effectually blockaded my grandfather that I never saw him but by
stealth, when I sometimes made up to his chair as he sat to view his
labourers in the field: on which occasion he would stroke my head, bid
me be a good boy, and promise to take care of me.

I was soon after sent to school at a village hard by, of which he had
been dictator time out of mind; but as he never paid for my board, nor
supplied me with clothes, books, and other necessaries I required, my
condition was very ragged and contemptible, and the schoolmaster, who,
through fear of my grandfather, taught me gratis, gave himself no
concern about the progress I made under his instruction. In spite of
all these difficulties and disgraces, I became a good proficient in the
Latin tongue; and, as soon as I could write tolerably, pestered my
grandfather with letters to such a degree that he sent for my master,
and chid him severely for bestowing such pains on my education, telling
him that, if ever I should be brought to the gallows for forgery, which
he had taught me to commit, my blood would lie on his head.

The pedant, who dreaded nothing more than the displeasure of his
patron, assured his honour that the boy’s ability was more owing to his
own genius and application than to any instruction or encouragement he
received; that, although he could not divest him of the knowledge he
had already imbibed, unless he would empower him to disable his
fingers, he should endeavour, with God’s help, to prevent his future
improvement. And, indeed, he punctually performed what he had
undertaken; for, on pretence that I had written impertinent letters to
my grandfather, he caused a board to be made with five holes in it,
through which he thrust the fingers and thumb of my right hand, and
fastened it by whipcord to my wrist, in such a manner as effectually
debarred me the use of my pen. But this restraint I was freed from in a
few days, by an accident which happened in a quarrel between me and
another boy; who, taking upon him to insult my poverty, I was so
incensed at his ungenerous reproach that with one stroke with my
machine I cut him to the skull, to the great terror of myself and
schoolfellows, who left him bleeding on the ground, and ran to inform
the master of what had happened. I was so severely punished for this
trespass that, were I to live to the age of Methusalem, the impression
it made on me would not be effaced; the more than the antipathy and
horror I conceived for the merciless tyrant who inflicted it. The
contempt which my appearance naturally produced in all who saw me, the
continual wants to which I was exposed, and my own haughty disposition,
impatient of affronts, involved me in a thousand troublesome
adventures, by which I was at length inured in adversity, and
emboldened to undertakings far above my years. I was often inhumanly
scourged for crimes I did not commit, because, having the character of
a vagabond in the village, every piece of mischief, whose author lay
unknown, was charged upon me. I have been found guilty of robbing
orchards I never entered, of killing cats I never hunted, of stealing
gingerbread I never touched, and of abusing old women I never saw. Nay,
a stammering carpenter had eloquence enough to persuade my master that
I fired a pistol loaded with small shot into his window; though my
landlady and the whole family bore witness that I was abed fast asleep
at the time when this outrage was committed. I was once flogged for
having narrowly escaped drowning, by the sinking of a ferry boat in
which I was passenger. Another time, for having recovered of a bruise
occasioned by a horse and cart running over me. A third time, for being
bitten by a baker’s dog. In short, whether I was guilty or unfortunate,
the correction and sympathy of this arbitrary pedagogue were the same.

Far from being subdued by this informal usage, my indignation triumphed
over that slavish awe which had hitherto enforced my obedience; and the
more my years and knowledge increased, the more I perceived the
injustice and barbarity of his behaviour. By the help of an uncommon
genius, and the advice and direction of our usher, who had served my
father in his travels, I made a surprising progress in the classics,
writing, and arithmetic; so that, before I was twelve years old, I was
allowed by everybody to be the best scholar in the school. This
qualification, together with the boldness of temper and strength of
make which had subjected almost all my contemporaries, gave me such
influence over them that I began to form cabals against my persecutor;
and was in hope of being able to bid him defiance in a very short
time. Being at the head of a faction, consisting of thirty boys, most
of them of my own age, I was determined to put their mettle to trial,
that I might know how far they were to be depended upon, before I put
my grand scheme in execution: with this view, we attacked a body of
stout apprentices, who had taken possession of a part of the ground
allotted to us for the scheme of our diversions, and who were then
playing at ninepins on the spot; but I had the mortification to see my
adherents routed in an instant, and a leg of one of them broke in his
flight by the bowl, which one of our adversaries had detached in
pursuit of us. This discomfiture did not hinder us from engaging them
afterwards in frequent skirmishes, which we maintained by throwing
stones at a distance, wherein I received many wounds, the scars of
which still remain. Our enemies were so harassed and interrupted by
these alarms that they at last abandoned their conquest, and left us to
the peaceable enjoyment of our own territories.

It would be endless to enumerate the exploits we performed in the
course of this confederacy, which became the terror of the whole
village; insomuch that, when different interests divided it, one of the
parties commonly courted the assistance of Roderick Random (by which
name I was known) to cast the balance, and keep the opposite faction in
awe. Meanwhile, I took the advantage of every play-day to present
myself before my grandfather, to whom I seldom found access, by reason
of his being closely besieged by a numerous family of his female
grandchildren, who, though they perpetually quarrelled among
themselves, never failed to join against me, as the common enemy of
all. His heir, who was about the age of eighteen, minded nothing but
fox-hunting, and indeed was qualified for nothing else, notwithstanding
his grandfather’s indulgence in entertaining a tutor for him at home;
who at the same time performed the office of parish clerk. This young
Actaeon, who inherited his grandfather’s antipathy to everything in
distress, never sat eyes on me without uncoupling his beagles, and
hunting me into some cottage or other, whither I generally fled for
shelter. In this Christian amusement he was encouraged by his
preceptor, who, no doubt, took such opportunities to ingratiate himself
with the rising sun, observing, that the old gentleman, according to
the course of nature, had not long to live, for he was already on the
verge of fourscore.

The behaviour of this rascally sycophant incensed me so much, that one
day, when I was beleaguered by him and his hounds in a farmer’s house,
where I had found protection, I took aim at him (being an excellent
marksman) with a large pebble, which struck out four of his foreteeth,
and effectually incapacitated him from doing the office of a clerk.




CHAPTER III


My Mother’s Brother arrives—relieves me—a Description of him—he goes
along with me to the House of my Grandfather—is encountered by his
Dogs—defeats them, after a bloody Engagement—is admitted to the old
Gentleman—a Dialogue between them


About this time my mother’s only brother, who had been long abroad,
lieutenant of a man-of-war, arrived in his own country; where being
informed of my condition, he came to see me, and out of his slender
finances not only supplied me with what necessaries I wanted for the
present, but resolved not to leave the country until he had prevailed
on my grandfather to settle something handsome for the future. This was
a task to which he was by no means equal, being entirely ignorant, not
only of the judge’s disposition, but also of the ways of men in
general, to which his education on board had kept him an utter
stranger.

He was a strong built man, somewhat bandy legged, with a neck like that
of a bull, and a face which (you might easily perceive) had withstood
the most obstinate assaults of the weather. His dress consisted of a
soldier’s coat altered for him by the ship’s tailor, a striped flannel
jacket, a pair of red breeches spanned with pitch, clean gray worsted
stockings, large silver buckles that covered three-fourths of his
shoes, a silver-laced hat, whose crown overlooked the brims about an
inch and a half, black bobwig in buckle, a check shirt, a silk
handkerchief, a hanger, with a brass handle, girded to his thigh by a
furnished lace belt, and a good oak plant under his arm. Thus equipped,
he set out with me (who by his bounty made a very decent appearance)
for my grandfather’s house, where we were saluted by Jowler and Caesar,
whom my cousin, young master, had let loose at our approach. Being well
acquainted with the inveteracy of these curs, I was about to betake
myself to my heels, when my uncle seized me with one hand, brandished
his cudgel with the other, and at one blow laid Caesar sprawling on the
ground; but, finding himself attacked at the same time in the rear by
Jowler, and fearing Caesar might recover, he drew his hanger, wheeled
about, and by a lucky stroke severed Jowler’s head from his body. By
this time, the young foxhunter and three servants, armed with
pitchforks and flails, were come to the assistance of the dogs, whom
they found breathless upon the field; and my cousin was so provoked at
the death of his favourites, that he ordered his attendants to advance,
and take vengeance on their executioner, whom he loaded with all the
curses and reproaches his anger could suggest. Upon which my uncle
stepped forwards with an undaunted air, at the sight of whose bloody
weapons his antagonists fell back with precipitation, when he accosted
their leader thus:

“Lookee, brother, your dogs having boarded me without provocation, what
I did was in my own defence. So you had best be civil, and let us shoot
a head, clear of you.”

Whether the young squire misinterpreted my uncle’s desire of peace, or
was enraged at the fate of his hounds beyond his usual pitch of
resolution, I know not; but he snatched a flail from one of his
followers, and came up with a show of assaulting the lieutenant, who,
putting himself in a posture of defence, proceeded thus: “Lookee, you
lubberly son of a w—e, if you come athwart me, ’ware your gingerbread
work. I’ll be foul of your quarter, d—n me.”

This declaration, followed by a flourish of his hanger, seemed to check
the progress of the young gentleman’s choler, who, looking behind him,
perceived his attendants had slunk into the house, shut the gate, and
left him to decide the contention by himself.

Here a parley ensued, which was introduced by my cousin’s asking, “Who
the devil are you? What do you want? Some scoundrel of a seaman, I
suppose, who has deserted and turned thief. But don’t think you shall
escape, sirrah—I’ll have you hang’d, you dog, I will. Your blood shall
pay for that of my two hounds, you ragamuffin. I would not have parted
with them to save your whole generation from the gallows, you ruffian,
you!” “None of your jaw, you swab—none of your jaw,” replied my uncle,
“else I shall trim your laced jacket for you. I shall rub you down with
an oaken towel, my boy, I shall.” So saying, he sheathed his hanger,
and grasped his cudgel. Meanwhile the people of the house being
alarmed, one of my female cousins opened a window, and asked what was
the matter. “The matter!” answered the lieutenant; “no great matter,
young woman; I have business with the old gentleman, and this spark,
belike, won’t allow me to come alongside of him,” that’s all. After a
few minutes pause we were admitted, and conducted to my grandfather’s
chamber through a lane of my relations, who honoured me with very
significant looks as I passed along. When we came into the judge’s
presence my uncle, after two or three sea-bows, expressed himself in
this manner; “Your servant, your servant. What cheer, father? what
cheer? I suppose you don’t know me—mayhap you don’t. My name is Tom
Bowling, and this here boy, you look as if you did not know him
neither; ’tis like you mayn’t. He’s new rigged, i’faith; his cloth
don’t shake in the wind so much as it wont to do. ’Tis my nephew, d’y
see, Roderick Random—your own flesh and blood, old gentleman. Don’t lay
a-stern, you dog,” pulling me forward. My grandfather (who was laid up
with the gout) received this relation, after his long absence, with
that coldness of civility which was peculiar to him; told him he was
glad to see him, and desired him to sit down. “Thank ye, thank ye, sir,
I had as lief stand,” said my uncle; “for my own part, I desire nothing
of you; but, if you have any conscience at all, do something for this
poor boy, who has been used at a very unchristian rate. Unchristian do
I call it? I am sure the Moors in Barbary have more humanity than to
leave their little ones to want. I would fain know why my sister’s son
is more neglected than that there fair-weather Jack” (pointing to the
young squire, who with the rest of my cousins had followed us into the
room). “Is not he as near akin to you as the other? Is he not much
handsomer and better built than that great chucklehead? Come, come,
consider, old gentleman, you are going in a short time to give an
account of your evil actions. Remember the wrongs you did his father,
and make all the satisfaction in your power before it be too late. The
least thing you can do is to settle his father’s portion on him.”

The young ladies, who thought themselves too much concerned to contain
themselves any longer, set up their throats all together against my
protector—“Scurvy companion—saucy tarpaulin—rude, impertinent fellow,
did he think to prescribe to grandpapa? His sister’s brat had been too
well taken care of. Grandpapa was too just not make a difference
between an unnatural, rebellious son and his dutiful, loving children,
who took his advice in all things;” and such expressions were vented
against him with great violence; until the judge at length commanded
silence. He calmly rebuked my uncle for his unmannerly behaviour, which
he said he would excuse on account of his education: he told him he had
been very kind to the boy, whom he had kept at school seven or eight
years, although he was informed he made no progress in his learning but
was addicted to all manner of vice, which he rather believed, because
he himself was witness to a barbarous piece of mischief he had
committed on the jaws of his chaplain. But, however, he would see what
the lad was fit for, and bind him apprentice to some honest tradesman
or other, provided he would mend his manners, and behave for the future
as became him.

The honest tar (whose pride and indignation boiled within him) answered
my grandfather, that it was true he had sent him to school, but it had
cost him nothing, for he had never been at one shilling expense to
furnish him with food, raiment, books, or other necessaries; so that it
was not much to be wondered at, if the boy made small progress; and yet
whoever told him so was a lying, lubberly rascal, and deserved to be
keel-haul’d; for though he (the lieutenant) did not understand those
matters himself, he was well informed as how Rory was the best scholar
of his age in all the country; the truth of which he would maintain, by
laying a wager of his whole half-year’s pay on the boy’s head—with
these words he pulled out his purse, and challenged the company:
“Neither is he predicted to vice, as you affirm, but rather, left like
a wreck, d’ye see, at the mercy of the wind and weather, by your
neglect, old gentleman. As for what happened to your chaplain, I am
only sorry that he did not knock out the scoundrel’s brains instead of
his teeth. By the Lord, if ever I come up with him, he had better be in
Greenland, that’s all. Thank you for your courteous offer of binding
the lad apprentice to a tradesman. I suppose you would make a tailor of
him—would you? I had rather see him hang’d, d’ye see. Come along, Rory,
I perceive how the land lies, my boy—let’s tack about, i’faith—while I
have a shilling you shan’t want a tester. B’we, old gentleman; you’re
bound for the other world, but I believe damnably ill-provided for the
voyage.” Thus ended our visit; and we returned to the village, my uncle
muttering curses all the way against the old shark and the young fry
that surrounded him.




CHAPTER IV


My Grandfather makes his Will—our second Visit—he Dies—his Will is read
in Presence of all his living Descendants—the Disappointment of my
female Cousins—my Uncle’s Behaviour


A few weeks after our first visit, we were informed that the old judge,
at the end of a fit of thoughtfulness, which lasted three days, had
sent for a notary and made his will; that the distemper had mounted
from his legs to his stomach, and, being conscious of his approaching
end, he had desired to see all his descendants without exception. In
obedience to this summons, my uncle set out with me a second time, to
receive the last benediction of my grandfather: often repeating by the
road, “Ey, ey, we have brought up the old hulk at last. You shall
see—you shall see the effect of my admonition,” When we entered his
chamber, which was crowded with his relations, we advanced to the
bedside, where we found him in his last agonies, supported by two of
his granddaughters, who sat on each side of him, sobbing most
piteously, and wiping away the froth and slaver as it gathered on his
lips, which they frequently kissed with a show of great anguish and
affection. My uncle approached him with these words, “What! he’s not
a-weigh. How fare ye? how fare ye, old gentleman? Lord have mercy upon
your poor sinful soul!” Upon which, the dying man turned his languid
eyes towards us, and Mr. Bowling went on—“Here’s poor Roy come to see
you before you die, and to receive your blessing. What, man! don’t
despair, you have been a great sinner, ’tis true,—what then? There’s a
righteous judge above, an’t there? He minds me no more than a porpoise.
Yes, yes, he’s a-going; the land crabs will have him, I see that! his
anchor’s a-peak, i’faith.” This homely consolation scandalised the
company so much, and especially the parson, who probably thought his
province invaded, that we were obliged to retire into another room,
where, in a few minutes, we were convinced of my grandfather’s decease,
by a dismal yell uttered by the young ladies in his apartment; whither
we immediately hastened, and found his heir, who had retired a little
before into a closet, under pretence of giving vent to his sorrow,
asking, with a countenance beslubbered with tears, if his grandpapa was
certainly dead? “Dead!” (says my uncle, looking, at the body) “ay, ay,
I’ll warrant him as dead as a herring. Odd’s fish! now my dream is out
for all the world. I thought I stood upon the forecastle, and saw a
parcel of carrion crows foul of a dead shark: that floated alongside,
and the devil perching upon our spritsail yard, in the likeness of a
blue bear—who, d’ye see jumped overboard upon the carcass and carried
it to the bottom in his claws.” “Out upon thee, reprobate” cries the
parson “out upon thee, blasphemous wretch! Dost thou think his honour’s
soul is in the possession of Satan?” The clamour immediately arose, and
my poor uncle, being, shouldered from one corner of the room to the
other, was obliged to lug out in his own defence, and swear he would
turn out for no man, till such time as he knew who had the title to
send him adrift. “None of your tricks upon travellers,” said he;
“mayhap old Bluff has left my kinsman here his heir: if he has, it will
be the better for his miserable soul. Odds bob! I’d desire no better
news. I’d soon make him a clear shin, I warrant you.” To avoid any
further disturbance, one of my grandfather’s executors, who was
present, assured Mr. Bowling, that his nephew should have all manner of
justice; that a day should be appointed after the funeral for examining
the papers of the deceased, in presence of all his relations; till
which time every desk and cabinet in the house should remain close
sealed; and that he was very welcome to be witness to this ceremony,
which was immediately performed to his satisfaction. In the meantime,
orders were given to provide mourning for all the relations, in which
number I was included; but my uncle would not suffer me to accept of
it, until I should be assured whether or no I had reason to honour his
memory so far. During this interval, the conjectures of people, with
regard to the old gentleman’s will, were various: as it was well known,
he had, besides his landed estate, which was worth £700 per annum, six
or seven thousand pounds at interest, some imagined that the whole real
estate (which he had greatly improved) would go to the young man whom
he always entertained as his heir; and that the money would be equally
divided between my female cousins (five in number) and me. Others were
of opinion, that, as the rest of the children had been already provided
for, he would only bequeath two or three hundred pounds to each of his
granddaughters, and leave the bulk of the sum to me, to atone for his
unnatural usage of my father. At length the important hour arrived, and
the will was produced in the midst of the expectants, whose looks and
gestures formed a group that would have been very entertaining to an
unconcerned spectator. But, the reader can scarce conceive the
astonishment and mortification that appeared, when an attorney
pronounced aloud, the young squire sole heir of all his grandfather’s
estate, personal and real. My uncle, who had listened with great
attention, sucking the head of his cudgel all the while, accompanied
these words of the attorney with a stare, and whew, that alarmed the
whole assembly. The eldest and pertest of my female competitors, who
had been always very officious about my grandfather’s person, inquired,
with a faltering accent and visage as yellow as an orange, “if there
were no legacies?” and was answered, “None at all.” Upon which she
fainted away. The rest, whose expectations, perhaps, were not so
sanguine, supported their disappointment with more resolution, though
not without giving evident marks of indignation, and grief at least as
genuine as that which appeared in them at the old gentleman’s death. My
conductor, after having kicked with his heel for some time against the
wainscot, began: “So there’s no legacy, friend, ha!—here’s an old
succubus; but somebody’s soul howls for it, d—n me!” The parson of the
parish, who was one of the executors, and had acted as ghostly director
to the old man, no sooner heard this exclamation than he cried out,
“Avaunt, unchristian reviler! avaunt! wilt thou not allow the soul of
his honour to rest in peace?” But this zealous pastor did not find
himself so warmly seconded, as formerly, by the young ladies, who now
joined my uncle against him, and accused him of having acted the part
of a busybody with their grandpapa whose ears he had certainly abused
by false stories to their prejudice, or else he would not have
neglected them in such an unnatural manner. The young squire was much
diverted with this scene, and whispered to my uncle, that if he had not
murdered his dogs, he would have shown him glorious fun, by hunting a
black badger (so he termed the clergyman). The surly lieutenant, who
was not in a humour to relish this amusement, replied, “You and your
dogs may be damn’d. I suppose you’ll find them with your old dad, in
the latitude of hell. Come, Rory,—about ship, my lad, we must steer
another course, I think.” And away we went.




CHAPTER V


The Schoolmaster uses me barbarously—I form a Project of Revenge, in
which I am assisted by my Uncle—I leave the Village—am settled at a
University by his Generosity


On our way back to the village, my uncle spoke not a word during the
space of a whole hour, but whistled with great vehemence the tune of
“Why should we quarrel for riches,” etc. his visage being contracted
all the while into a most formidable frown. At length his pace
increased to such a degree that I was left behind a considerable way:
then he waited for me; and when I was almost up with him, called out in
a surly tone, “Bear a hand, damme! must I bring to every minute for
you, you lazy dog.” Then, laying hold of me by the arm, hauled me
along, until his good nature (of which he had a great share) and
reflection getting the better of his he said, “Come, my boy, don’t be
cast down,—the old rascal is in hell, that’s some satisfaction; you
shall go to sea with me, my lad. A light heart and a thin pair of
breeches goes through the world, brave boys, as the song goes—eh!”
Though this proposal did not at all suit my inclination, I was afraid
of discovering my aversion to it, lest I should disoblige the only
friend I had in the world; and he was so much a seaman that he never
dreamt I could have had any objection to his design; consequently gave
himself no trouble in consulting my approbation. But this resolution
was soon dropped, by the device of our usher, who assured Mr. Bowling,
it would be a thousand pities to balk my genius, which would certainly
one day make my fortune on shore, provided it received due cultivation.
Upon which, this generous tar determined (though he could ill afford
it) to give me university education; and accordingly settled my board
and other expenses, at a town not many miles distant, famous for its
colleges, whither we repaired in a short time. But, before the day of
our departure, the schoolmaster, who no longer had the fear of my
grandfather before his eyes, laid aside all decency and restraint, and
not only abused me in the grossest language his rancour could suggest,
as a wicked, profligate, dull, beggarly miscreant, whom he had taught
out of charity; but also inveighed in the most bitter manner against
the memory of the judge (who by the by had procured that settlement for
him), hinting, in pretty plain terms, that the old gentleman’s soul was
damned to all eternity for his injustice in neglecting to pay for my
learning.

This brutal behaviour, added to the sufferings I had formerly undergone
made me think it high time to be revenged on this insolent pedagogue.
Having consulted my adherents, I found them all staunch in their
promises to stand by me; and our scheme was this:—In the afternoon
preceding to the day of our departure for the University, I resolved to
take the advantage of the usher’s going out to make water (which he
regularly did at four o’clock), and shut the great door, that he might
not come to the assistance of his superior. This being done, the
assault was to be begun by my advancing to my master and spitting in
his face. I was to be seconded by two of the strongest boys in the
school, who were devoted to me; their business was to join me in
dragging the tyrant to a bench, over which he was to be laid, and his
bare posteriors heartily flogged, with his own birch, which we proposed
to wrest from him in his struggle; but if we should find him too many
for us all three, we were to demand the assistance of our competitors,
who should be ready to enforce us, or oppose anything that might be
undertaken for the master’s relief. One of my principal assistants was
called Jeremy Gawky, son and heir of a wealthy gentleman in the
neighbourhood; and the name of the other, Hugh Strap, the cadet of a
family which had given shoemakers to the village time out of mind. I
had once saved Gawky’s life, by plunging into a river and dragging him
on shore, when he was on the point of being drowned. I had often
rescued him from the clutches of those whom his insufferable arrogance
had provoked to a resentment he was not able to sustain; and many times
saved his reputation and posteriors, by performing his exercises at
school; so that it is not to be wondered at, if he had a particular
regard for me and my interests. The attachment of Strap flowed from a
voluntary, disinterested inclination, which had manifested itself on
many occasions in my behalf, he having once rendered me the same
service that I had rendered Gawky, by saving my life at the risk of his
own; and often fathered offences that I had committed, for which he
suffered severely, rather than I should feel the weight of the
punishment. These two champions were the more willing to engage in this
enterprise, because they intended to leave the school next day, as well
as I; the first being ordered by his father to return into the country,
and the other being bound apprentice to his barber, at a market town
not far off.

In the meantime, my uncle, being informed of my master’s behaviour to
me, was enraged at his insolence, and vowed revenge so heartily that I
could not refrain from telling him the scheme I had concerted, while he
heard with great satisfaction, at every sentence squirting out a
mouthful of spittle, tinctured with tobacco, of which he constantly
chewed a large quid. At last, pulling up his breeches, he cried, “No,
no, z—ds! that won’t do neither; howsoever, ’tis a bold undertaking, my
lad, that I must say, i’faith; but lookee, lookee, how do you propose
to get clear off—won’t the enemy give chase, my boy?—ay, ay, that he
will, I warrant, and alarm the whole coast; ah! God help thee, more
sail than ballast, Rory. Let me alone for that—leave the whole to me.
I’ll show him the foretopsail, I will. If so be your shipmates are
jolly boys, and won’t flinch, you shall see, you shall see; egad, I’ll
play him such a salt-water trick I’ll bring him to the gangway and
anoint him with a cat-and-nine-tails; he shall have a round dozen
doubled, my lad, he shall—and be left lashed to his meditations.” We
were very proud of our associate, who immediately went to work, and
prepared the instrument of his revenge with great skill and expedition;
after which, he ordered our baggage to be packed up and sent off, a day
before our attempt, and got horses ready to be mounted, as soon as the
affair should be over. At length the hour arrived, when our auxiliary,
seizing the opportunity of the usher’s absence, bolted in, secured the
door, and immediately laid hold of the pedant by his collar who bawled
out, “Murder, Thieves,” with the voice of a Stentor. Though I trembled
all over like an aspen leaf, I knew there was no time to be lost, and
accordingly got up, and summoned our associates to our assistance.
Strap, without any hesitation, obeyed the signal, and seeing me leap
upon the master’s back, ran immediately to one of his legs, which
pulling with all his force, this dreadful adversary was humbled to the
ground; upon which Gawky, who had hitherto remained in his place, under
the influence of a universal trepidation, hastened to the scene of
action, and insulted the fallen tyrant with a loud huzza, in which the
whole school joined. The noise alarmed the usher, who, finding himself
shut out, endeavoured, partly by threats and partly by entreaties, to
procure admission. My uncle bade him have a little patience, and he
would let him in presently; but if he pretended to stir from that
place, it should fare the worse with the son of a bitch his superior,
on whom he intended only to bestow a little wholesome chastisement, for
his barbarous usage of Rory, “to which,” said he, “you are no
stranger.” By this time we had dragged the criminal to a post, to which
Bowling tied him with a rope he had provided on purpose; after having
secured his hands and stripped his back. In this ludicrous posture he
stood (to the no small entertainment of the boys, who crowded about
him, and shouted with great exultation at the novelty of the sight),
venting bitter imprecations against the lieutenant, and reproaching his
scholars with treachery and rebellion; when the usher was admitted,
whom my uncle accosted in this manner: “Harkee, Mr. Syntax, I believe
you are an honest man, d’ye see—and I have a respect for you—but for
all that, we must, for our own security, d’ye see, belay you for a
short time.” With these words, he pulled out some fathoms of cord,
which the honest man no sooner saw than he protested with great
earnestness he would allow no violence to be offered to him, at the
same time accusing me of perfidy and ingratitude. But Bowling
representing that it was in vain to resist, and that he did not mean to
use him with violence and indecency, but only to hinder him from
raising the hue and cry against us before we should be out of their
power, he allowed himself to be bound to his own desk, where he sat a
spectator of the punishment inflicted on his principal. My uncle,
having upbraided this arbitrary wretch with his inhumanity to me, told
him, that he proposed to give him a little discipline for the good of
his soul, which he immediately put in practice, with great vigour and
dexterity. This smart application to the pedant’s withered posteriors
gave him such exquisite pain that he roared like a mad bull, danced,
cursed, and blasphemed, like a frantic bedlamite. When the lieutenant
thought himself sufficiently revenged, he took his leave of him in
these words: “Now, friend, you’ll remember me the longest day you have
to live; I have given you a lesson that will let you know what flogging
is, and teach you to have more sympathy for the future. Shout, boys,
shout!”

This ceremony was no sooner over than my uncle proposed they should
quit the school, and convey their old comrade Rory to the public-house,
about a mile from the village, where he would treat them all. His offer
being joyfully embraced, he addressed himself to Mr. Syntax, and begged
him to accompany us; but this invitation he refused with great disdain,
telling my benefactor he was not the man he took him to be. “Well,
well, old surly,” replied my uncle, shaking his hand, “thou art an
honest fellow notwithstanding; and if ever I have the command of a
ship, thou shalt be our schoolmaster, i’faith.” So saying he dismissed
the boys, and locking the door, left the two preceptors to console one
another; while we moved forwards on our journey, attended by a numerous
retinue, whom he treated according to his promise.

We parted with many tears, and lay that night at an inn on the road,
about ten miles short of the town where I was to remain, at which we
arrived next day, and I found I had no cause to complain of the
accommodations provided for me, in being boarded at the house of an
apothecary, who had married a distant relation of my mother. In a few
days after, my uncle set out for his ship, having settled the necessary
funds for my maintenance and education.




CHAPTER VI


I make great progress in my Studies—am caressed by Everybody—my female
Cousins take notice of me—I reject their Invitation—they are incensed,
and conspire against me—am left destitute by a Misfortune that befalls
my Uncle—Gawky’s Treachery—my Revenge


As I was now capable of reflection, I began to consider my precarious
situation; that I was utterly abandoned by those whose duty it was to
protect me: and that my sole dependence was on the generosity of one
man, who was not only exposed by his profession to continual dangers,
which might one day deprive me of him for ever; but also (no doubt)
subject to those vicissitudes of disposition which a change of fortune
usually creates, or which a better acquaintance with the world might
produce; for I always ascribed his benevolence to the dictates of a
heart as yet undebauched by a commerce with mankind. Alarmed at these
considerations, I resolved to apply myself with great care to my
studies, and enjoy the opportunity in my power: this I did with such
success that, in the space of three years, I understood Greek very
well, was pretty far advanced in the mathematics, and no stranger to
moral and natural philosophy: logic I made no account of; but, above
all things, I valued myself on my taste in the belles lettres, and a
talent for poetry, which had already produced some pieces that had met
with a favourable reception. These qualifications, added to a good face
and shape, acquired the esteem and acquaintance of the most
considerable people in town, and I had the satisfaction to find myself
in some degree of favour with the ladies; an intoxicating piece of good
fortune to one of my amorous complexion! which I obtained, or at least
preserved, by gratifying their propensity to scandal, in lampooning
their rivals.

Two of my female cousins lived in this place, with their mother, since
the death of their father, who left his whole fortune equally divided
between them; so that, if they were not the most beautiful, they were
at least the richest toasts in town; and received daily the addresses
of all the beaux and cavaliers of the country. Although I had hitherto
been looked upon by them with the most supercilious contempt, my
character now attracted their notice so much that I was given to
understand I might be honoured with their acquaintance, if I pleased.

The reader will easily perceive that this condescension either flowed
from the hope of making my poetical capacity subservient to their
malice, or at least of screening themselves from the lash of my
resentment, which they had effectually provoked. I enjoyed this triumph
with great satisfaction, and not only rejected their offer with
disdain, but in all my performances, whether satire or panegyric,
industriously avoided mentioning their names, even while I celebrated
those of their intimates: this neglect mortified their pride
exceedingly and incensed them to such a degree that they were resolved
to make me repent of my indifference. The first stroke of their revenge
consisted in their hiring a poor collegian to write verses against me,
the subject of which was my own poverty, and the catastrophe of my
unhappy parents; but, besides the badness of the composition (of which
they themselves were ashamed), they did not find their account in
endeavouring to reproach me with those misfortunes which they and their
relations had brought upon me; and which consequently reflected much
more dishonour on themselves than on me, who was the innocent victim of
their barbarity and avarice.

Finding this plan miscarry, they found means to irritate a young
gentleman against me, by telling him I had lampooned his mistress; and
so effectually succeeded in the quality of incendiaries that this
enraged lover determined to seize me next night as I returned to my
lodgings from a friend’s house that I frequented: with this view, he
waited in the street, attended by two of his companions, to whom he had
imparted his design of carrying me down to the river, in which proposed
to have me heartily ducked, notwithstanding the severity of the
weather, it being then about the middle of December. But this stratagem
did not succeed; for, being apprised of their ambush, I got home
another way, and by the help of my landlord’s apprentice, discharged a
volley from the garret window, which did great execution upon them, and
next day occasioned so much mirth at their expense that they found
themselves under a necessity of leaving the town, until the adventure
should be entirely forgotten.

My cousins (though twice baffled in their expectation) did not,
however, desist from persecuting me, who had now enraged them beyond a
possibility of forgiveness by detecting their malice and preventing its
effects: neither should I have found them more humane, had I patiently
submitted to their rancour, and borne without murmuring the rigour of
their unreasonable hate; for I have found by experience, that though
small favours may be acknowledged and slight injuries atoned, there is
no wretch so ungrateful as he whom you have most generously obliged,
and no enemy so implacable as those who have done you the greatest
wrong. These good-natured creatures, therefore, had recourse to a
scheme which conspired with a piece of bad news I soon after received,
to give them all the satisfaction they desired: this plan was to
debauch the faith of my companion and confidant, who betrayed the trust
I reposed in him, by imparting to them the particulars of my small
amours, which they published with such exaggerations that I suffered
very much in the opinion of everybody, and was utterly discarded by the
dear creatures whose names had been called in question.

While I was busy in tracing out the author of this treachery, that I
might not only be revenged on him, but also vindicate my character to
my friends, I one day perceived the looks of my landlady much altered,
when I went home to my dinner, and inquiring into the cause, she
screwed up her mouth, and fixed her eyes on the ground, told me her
husband had received a letter from Mr. Bowling, with one inclosed for
me. She was very sorry for what had happened, both for my sake and his
own—people should be more cautious of their conduct—she was always
afraid his brutal behaviour would bring him into some misfortune or
other. As for her part, she should be very ready to befriend me; but
she had a small family of her own to maintain. The world would do
nothing for her if she should come to want—charity begins at home: she
wished I had been bound to some substantial handicraft, such as a
weaver or a shoemaker, rather than loiter away my time in learning
foolish nonsense, that would never bring me in a penny but some folks
are wise, and some are otherwise.

I was listening to this mysterious discourse with great amazement, when
her husband entered, and, without speaking a syllable, put both the
letters into my hand. I received them trembling, and read what follows:

‘To Mr. Roger Potion
    ‘Sir,
    ‘This is to let you know that I have quitted the Thunder man of
    war, being obliged to sheer off for killing my captain, which I did
    fairly on the beach, at Cape Tiberoon, in the Island of Hispaniola;
    having received his fire and returned it, which went through his
    body: and I would serve the best man so that ever stepped between
    stem and stern, if so be that he struck me, as Captain Oakum did. I
    am (thank God) safe among the French, who are very civil, though I
    don’t understand their lingo; and I hope to be restored in a little
    time, for all the great friends and parliamentary interest of the
    captain, for I have sent over to my landlord in Deal an account of
    the whole affair, with our bearings and distances while we were
    engaged, whereby I have desired him to lay it before his majesty,
    who (God bless him) will not suffer an honest tar to be wronged. My
    love to your spouse, and am


‘Your loving friend and servant to command, while
‘Thomas Bowling,’


‘To Roderick Random
    ‘Dear Rory,
    ‘Don’t be grieved at my misfortune, but mind your book, my lad. I
    have got no money to send you, but what of that? Mr. Potion will
    take care of you for the love he bears to me, and let you want for
    nothing; and it shall go hard but I will see him one day repaid. No
    more at present, but rests


‘Your dutiful uncle and servant, till death,
‘Thomas Bowling.’


This letter (which, with the other, was dated from Port Louis, in
Hispaniola) I had no sooner read than the apothecary, shaking his head,
began: “I have a very great regard for Mr. Bowling that’s certain; and
could be well content—but times are very hard. There’s no such thing as
money to be got; I believe ’tis all vanished under ground, for my part.
Besides, I have been out of pocket already, having entertained you
since the beginning of this month, without receiving a sixpence, and
God knows if ever I shall; for I believe it will go hard with your
uncle. And more than that, I was thinking of giving you warning, for I
want your apartment for a new prentice, whom I expect from the country
every hour. So I desire you will this week provide yourself with
another lodging.”

The indignation which this harangue inspired gave me spirits to support
my reverse of fortune, and to tell him I despised his mean selfish
disposition so much that I would rather starve than be beholden to him
for one single meal. Upon which, out of my pocket money, I paid him to
the last farthing of what I owed, and assured him, I would not sleep
another night under his roof.

This said, I sallied out in a transport of rage and sorrow, without
knowing whither to fly for shelter, having not one friend in the world
capable of relieving me, and only three shillings in my purse. After
giving way for a few minutes to the dictates of my rage, I went and
hired a small bedroom, at the rate of one shilling and sixpence per
week, which I was obliged to pay per advance, before the landlord would
receive me: thither I removed my luggage; and next morning got up, with
a view of craving the advice and assistance of a person who had on all
occasions loaded me with caresses and made frequent offers of
friendship, while I was under no necessity of accepting them. He
received me with his wonted affability, and insisted on my breakfasting
with him, a favour which I did not think fit to refuse. But when I
communicated the occasion of my visit, he appeared so disconcerted that
I concluded him wonderfully affected with the misery of my condition
and looked upon him as a man of the most extensive sympathy and
benevolence. He did not leave me long under this mistake; for,
recovering himself from his confusion, he told me he was grieved at my
misfortune, and desired to know what had passed between my landlord,
Mr. Potion, and me. Whereupon I recounted the conversation; and, when I
repeated the answer I made to his ungenerous remonstrance with regard
to my leaving his house, this pretended friend affected a stare, and
exclaimed, “Is it possible you could behave so ill to the man who had
treated you so kindly all along?”

My surprise at hearing this was not at all affected, whatever his might
be; and I gave to understand with some warmth, that I did not imagine
he would so unreasonably espouse the cause of a scoundrel who ought to
be expelled from every social community. This heat of mine gave him all
the advantage he desired over me, and our discourse, after much
altercation, concluded in his desiring never to see me again in that
place; to which desire I yielded my consent, assuring him, that, had I
been as well acquainted with his principles formerly as I was now, he
never should have had an opportunity of making that request. And thus
we parted.

On my return, I met my comrade, Squire Gawky, whom his father had sent,
some time ago, to town, for his improvement in writing, dancing,
fencing, and other modish qualifications. As I had lived with him since
his arrival on the footing of our old intimacy, I made no scruple of
informing him of the lowness of my circumstances, and asking a small
supply of money, to answer my present expense; upon which he pulled out
a handful of halfpence with a shilling or two among them, and swore
that was all he had to keep his pocket till next quarter-day he having
lost the greatest part of his allowance the night before at billiards.
Though this assertion might very well be true, I was extremely
mortified at his indifference: for he neither expressed any sympathy
for my mishap nor desire of alleviating my distress; and accordingly I
left him without uttering one word: but, when I afterwards understood
that he was the person who had formerly betrayed me to the malice of my
cousins, to whom likewise he had carried the tidings of my forlorn
situation, which afforded them great matter of triumph and exultation,
I determined with myself to call him to a severe account for which
purpose I borrowed a sword, and wrote a challenge, desiring him to meet
me at a certain time and place, that I might have an opportunity of
punishing his perfidy, at the expense of his blood. He accepted the
invitation, and I betook myself to the field, though not without
feeling considerable repugnance to the combat, which frequently
attacked me in cold sweats by the way; but the desire of revenge, the
shame of retracting, and hope of conquest, conspired to repel these
unmanly symptoms of fear; and I appeared on the plain with a good
grace: there I waited an hour beyond the time appointed, and was not
ill pleased to find he had no mind to meet me, because I should have an
opportunity of exposing his cowardice, displaying my own courage, and
of beating him soundly wheresoever I should find, without any dread of
the consequence.

Elevated with these suggestions, which entirely banished all thoughts
of my deplorable condition, I went directly to Gawky’s lodgings, where
I was informed of his precipitate retreat, he having set out for the
country in less than an hour after he had received my billet; and I was
vain enough to have the whole story inserted in the news, although I
was fain to sell a gold laced hat to my landlord for less than
half-price, to defray the expenses and contribute to my subsistence.




CHAPTER VII


I am entertained by Mr. Crab—a description of him—I acquire the Art of
Surgery—consult Crab’s Disposition—become necessary to him—an Accident
happens—he advises me to launch out into the world—assists me with
Money—I set out for London


The fumes of my resentment being dissipated, as well as the vanity of
my success, I found myself deserted to all the horrors of extreme want,
and avoided by mankind as a creature of a different species, or rather
as a solitary being, noways comprehended within the scheme or
protection of Providence. My despair had rendered me almost quite
stupified, when I was one day told, that a gentleman desired to see me
at a certain public-house, whither immediately I repaired; and was
introduced to one Mr. Launcelot Crab, a surgeon in town, who was
engaged with two more in drinking a liquor called pop-in, composed by
mixing a quartern of brandy with a quart of small beer. Before I relate
the occasion of this message, I believe it will not be disagreeable to
the reader, if I describe the gentleman who sent for me, and mention
some circumstances of his character and conduct which may illustrate
what follows, and account for his behaviour to me.

This member of the faculty was aged fifty, about five feet high, and
ten round the belly; his face was as capacious as a full moon, and much
of the complexion of a mulberry: his nose, resembling a powder-horn,
was swelled to an enormous size, and studded all over with carbuncles;
and his little gray eyes reflected the rays in such an oblique manner
that, while he looked a person full in the face, one would have
imagined he was admiring the buckle of his shoe. He had long
entertained an implacable resentment against Potion, who, though a
younger practitioner, was better employed than he, and once had the
assurance to perform a cure, whereby he disappointed and disgraced the
prognostic of the said Crab. This quarrel which was at one time upon
the point of being made up, by the interposition and mediation of
friends, had been lately inflamed beyond a possibility of
reconciliation by the respective wives of the opponents, who, chancing
to meet at a christening, disagreed about precedence, proceeded from
invectives to blows, and were with great difficulty, by the gossips,
prevented from converting the occasion of joy into a scene of
lamentation.

The difference between these rivals was in the height of rancour, when
I received the message of Crab, who received me as civilly as I could
have expected from one of his disposition; and, after desiring me to
sit, inquired into the particulars of my leaving the house of Potion;
which when I had related, he said, with a malicious grin, “There’s a
sneaking dog! I always thought him a fellow without a soul, d—n me, a
canting scoundrel, who has crept into business by his hypocrisy, and
kissing the a—e of every body.”—“Ay, ay,” says another, “one might see
with half an eye that the rascal has no honesty in him, by his going so
regularly to church.”

This sentence was confirmed by a third, who assured his companions that
Potion was never known to be disguised in liquor but once, at a meeting
of the godly, where he had distinguished himself by an extempore prayer
an hour long. After this preamble, Crab addressed himself to me in
these words: “Well, my lad, I have heard a good character of you, and
I’ll do for you. You may send your things to my house when you please.
I have given orders for your reception. Zounds! What does the booby
stare at? If you have no mind to embrace my courteous offer, you may
let it alone, and be d—d.” I answered with a submissive bow, that I was
far from rejecting his friendly offer, which I would immediately
accept, as soon as he should inform me on what footing I was to be
entertained. “What footing! D—n my blood,” cried he, “d’ye expect to
have a footman and a couple of horses kept for you?” “No, sir,” I
replied, “my expectations are not quite so sanguine. That I may be as
little burthensome as possible, I would willingly serve in your shop,
by which means I may save you the expense of a journeyman, or porter at
least, for I understand a little pharmacy, having employed some of my
leisure hours in the practice of that art, while I lived with Mr.
Potion; neither am I altogether ignorant of surgery, which I have
studied with great pleasure and application.”—“Oho! you did,” says
Crab. “Gentlemen, here is a complete artist! Studied surgery! What? in
books, I suppose. I shall have you disputing with me one of these days
on points of my profession. You can already account for muscular
motion, I warrant, and explain the mystery of the brain and nerves—ha!
You are too learned for me, d—n me. But let’s have no more of this
stuff. Can you blood and give a clyster, spread a plaster, and prepare
a potion?” Upon my answering in the affirmative, he shock his head,
telling me, he believed he should have little good of me, for all my
promises; but, however, he would take me in for the sake of charity. I
was accordingly that very night admitted to his house, and had an
apartment assigned to me in the garret, which I was fain to put up
with, notwithstanding the mortification my pride suffered in this
change of circumstances.

I was soon convinced of the real motives which induced Crab to receive
me in this manner; for, besides the gratification of his revenge, by
exposing the selfishness of his antagonist, in opposition to his own
generosity, which was all affectation, he had occasion for a young man
who understood something of the profession, to fill up the place of his
eldest apprentice, lately dead, not without violent suspicion of foul
play from his master’s brutality. The knowledge of this circumstance,
together with his daily behaviour to his wife and the young apprentice,
did not at all contribute to my enjoying my new situation with ease;
however, as I did not perceive how I could bestow myself to better
advantage, I resolved to study Crab’s temper with all the application,
and manage it with all the address in my power. And it was not long
before I found out a strange peculiarity of humour which governed his
behaviour towards all his dependents. I observed, when he was pleased,
he was such a niggard of his satisfaction that, if his wife or servants
betrayed the least symptom of participation, he was offended to an
insupportable degree of choler and fury, the effects of which they
seldom failed to feel. And when his indignation was roused, submission
and soothing always exasperated it beyond the bounds of reason and
humanity. I therefore pursued a contrary plan; and one day, when he
honoured me with the names of ignorant whelp and lazy ragamuffin, I
boldly replied, I was neither ignorant nor lazy, since I both
understood and performed my business as well as he could do for his
soul; neither was it just to call me ragamuffin, for I had a whole coat
on my back, and was descended from a better family than any he could
boast an alliance with.

He gave tokens of great amazement at this assurance of mine, and shook
his cane over my head, regarding me all the time with a countenance
truly diabolical. Although I was terribly startled at his menacing
looks and posture, I yet had reflection enough left to convince me I
had gone too far to retract, and that this was the critical minute
which must decide my future lot in his service; I therefore snatched up
the pestle of a mortar, and swore, if he offered to strike me without a
cause, I should see whether his skull or my weapon was hardest.

He continued silent for some time, and at last broke forth into these
ejaculations: “This is fine usage from a servant to his master—very
fine! damnation! but no matter, you shall pay for this, you dog, you
shall; I’ll do your business—yes, yes, I’ll teach you to lift your hand
against me.” So saying, he retired, and left me under dreadful
apprehensions, which vanished entirely at our next meeting, when he
behaved with unusual complacency, and treated me with a glass of punch
after dinner.

By this conduct I got the ascendancy over him in a short time, and
became so necessary to him, in managing his business while he was
engaged at the bottle, that fortune began to wear a kinder aspect; and
I consoled myself for the disregard of my former acquaintance, with the
knowledge I daily imbibed by a close application to the duties of my
employment, in which I succeeded beyond my own expectation. I was on
very good terms with my master’s wife, whose esteem I acquired and
cultivated, by representing Mrs. Potion in the most ridiculous lights
my satirical talents could invent, as well as by rendering her some
Christian offices, when she had been too familiar with the dram bottle,
to which she had oftentimes recourse for consolation, under the
affliction she suffered from a barbarous husband.

In this manner I lived, without hearing the least tidings of my uncle
for the space of two years, during which time I kept little or no
company, being neither in a humour to relish nor in a capacity to
maintain much acquaintance; for the Nabal my master allowed me no
wages, and the small perquisites of my station scarcely supplied me
with the common necessaries of life. I was no longer a pert unthinking
coxcomb, giddy with popular applause, and elevated with the
extravagance of hope: my misfortunes had taught me how little the
caresses of the world, during a man’s prosperity, are to be valued by
him; and how seriously and expeditiously he ought to set about making
himself independent of them. My present appearance, therefore, was the
least of my care, which was wholly engrossed in laying up a stock of
instruction that might secure me against the caprice of fortune for the
future. I became such a sloven, and contracted such an air of
austerity, that everybody pronounced me crestfallen; and Gawky returned
to town without running any risk from my resentment, which was by this
time pretty much cooled, and restrained by prudential reasons so
effectually that I never so much as thought of obtaining satisfaction
for the injuries he had done me.

When I deemed myself sufficiently master of my business I began to cast
about for an opportunity of launching into the world, in hope of
finding some provision that might make amends for the difficulties I
had undergone; but, as this could not be effected without a small sum
of money to equip me for the field, I was in the utmost perplexity how
to raise it, well knowing that Crab, for his own sake, would never put
me in a condition to leave him, when his interest was so much concerned
in my stay. But a small accident, which happened about this time,
determined him in my favour. This was no other than the pregnancy of
his maidservant, who declared her situation to me, assuring me at the
same time that I was the occasion of it.

Although I had no reason to question the truth of this imputation, I
was not ignorant of the familiarities which had passed between her
master and her, taking the advantage of which I represented to her the
folly of laying the burden at my door, when she might dispose of it to
much better purpose with Mr. Crab. She listened to my advice, and next
day acquainted him with the pretended success of their mutual
endeavours. He was far from being overjoyed at this proof of his
vigour, which he foresaw might have very troublesome consequences; not
that he dreaded any domestic grumblings and reproaches from his wife,
whom he kept in perfect subjection; but because he knew it would
furnish his rival Potion with a handle for insulting and undermining
his reputation, there being no scandal equal to that of uncleanness, in
the opinion of those who inhabit the part of the island where he lived.
He therefore took a resolution worthy of himself, which was, to
persuade the girl that she was not with child, but only afflicted with
a disorder incidental to young women, which he could easily remove:
with this view (as he pretended) he prescribed for her such medicines
as he thought would infallibly procure abortion; but in this scheme he
was disappointed, for the maid, being advertised by me of his design,
and at the same time well acquainted with her own condition, absolutely
refused to follow his directions; and threatened to publish her
situation to the world if he would not immediately take some method of
providing for the important occasion, which she expected in a few
months. It was not long before I guessed the result of his
deliberation, by his addressing himself to me one day in this manner:
“I am surprised that a young fellow like you discovers no inclination
to push his fortune in the world. Before I was of your age I was
broiling on the coast of Guinea. D—e! what’s to hinder you from
profiting by the war which will certainly be declared in a short time
against Spain? You may easily get on board of a king’s ship in quality
of surgeon’s mate, where you will certainly see a great deal of
practice, and stand a good chance of getting prize-money.”

I laid hold of this declaration, which I had long wished for, and
assured him I would follow his advice with pleasure, if it were in my
power; but that it was impossible for me to embrace an opportunity of
that kind, as I had no friend to advance a little money to supply me
with what necessaries I should want, and defray the expenses of my
journey to London. He told me that few necessaries were required; and,
as for the expense of my journey, he would lend me money, sufficient
not only for that purpose, but also to maintain me comfortably in
London until I should procure a warrant for my provision on board of
some ship.

I gave him a thousand thanks for his obliging offer (although I was
very well apprised of his motive, which was no other than a design to
lay the bastard to my charge after my departure), and accordingly set
out in a few weeks for London; my whole fortune consisting of one suit
of clothes, half a dozen ruffled shirts, as many plain, two pair of
worsted and a like number of threaded stockings; a case of pocket
instruments, a small edition of Horace, Wiseman’s Surgery, and ten
guineas in cash; for which Crab took my bond, bearing five per cent
interest; at the same time giving me a letter to a member of parliament
for our town, which he said would do my business effectually.




CHAPTER VIII


I arrive at Newcastle—meet with my old Schoolfellow Strap—we determine
to walk together to London—set out on our Journey—put up at a solitary
Alehouse—are disturbed by a strange Adventure in the Night


There is no such convenience as a waggon in this country, and my
finances were too weak to support the expense of hiring a horse: I
determined therefore to set out with the carriers, who transport goods
from one place to another on horseback; and this scheme I accordingly
put in execution on the 1st day of September, 1739, sitting upon a
pack-saddle between two baskets, one of which contained my goods in a
knapsack. But by the time we arrived at Newcastle-upon-Tyne I was so
fatigued with the tediousness of the carriage, and benumbed with the
coldness of the weather, that I resolved to travel the rest of my
journey on foot, rather than proceed in such a disagreeable manner.

The ostler of the inn at which we put up, understanding I was bound for
London, advised me to take my passage in a collier which would be both
cheap and expeditious and withal much easier than to walk upwards of
three hundred miles through deep roads in the winter time, a journey
which he believed I had not strength enough to perform. I was almost
persuaded to take his advice, when one day, stepping into a barber’s
shop to be shaved, the young man, while he lathered my face, accosted
me thus: “Sir, I presume you are a Scotchman.” I answered in the
affirmative. “Pray,” continued he, “from what part of Scotland?” I no
sooner told him, than he discovered great emotion, and not confining
his operation to my chin and upper lip, besmeared my whole face with
great agitation. I was so offended at this profusion that starting up,
I asked him what the d—l he meant by using me so? He begged pardon,
telling me his joy at meeting with a countryman had occasioned some
confusion in him, and craved my name. But, when I declared my name was
Random, he exclaimed in rapture, “How! Rory Random?” “The same,” I
replied, looking at him with astonishment. “What!” cried he, “don’t you
know your old schoolfellow, Hugh Strap?”

At that instant recollecting his face, I flew into his arms, and in the
transport of my joy, gave him back one-half of the suds he had so
lavishly bestowed on my countenance; so that we made a very ludicrous
appearance, and furnished a great deal of mirth for his master and
shopmates, who were witnesses of this scene. When our mutual caresses
were over I sat down again to be shaved, but the poor fellow’s nerves
were so discomposed by this unexpected meeting that his hand could
scarcely hold the razor, with which, nevertheless, he found means to
cut me in three places in as many strokes. His master, perceiving his
disorder, bade another supply his place, and after the operation was
performed, gave Strap leave to pass the rest of the day with me.

We retired immediately to my lodgings, where, calling for some beer, I
desired to be informed of his adventures, which contained nothing more
than that his master dying before his time was out, he had come to
Newcastle about a year ago, in expectation of journeywork, along with
three young fellows of his acquaintance who worked in the keels; that
he had the good fortune of being employed by a very civil master, with
whom he intended to stay till the spring, at which time he proposed to
go to London, where he did not doubt of finding encouragement. When I
communicated to him my situation and design, he did not approve of my
taking a passage by sea, by reason of the danger of a winter voyage,
which is very hazardous along that coast, as well as the precariousness
of the wind, which might possibly detain me a great while, to the no
small detriment of my fortune; whereas, if I would venture by land, he
would bear me company, carry my baggage all the way, and if we should
be fatigued before we could perform the journey it would be no hard
matter for us to find on the road either return horses or waggons, of
which we might take the advantage for a very trifling expense.

I was so ravished at this proposal that I embraced him affectionately,
and assured him he might command my purse to the last farthing; but he
gave me to understand he had saved money sufficient to answer his own
occasions; and that he had a friend in London who would soon introduce
him into business in that capital, and possibly have it in his power to
serve me also.

Having concerted the plan and settled our affairs that night, we
departed next morning by daybreak, armed with a good cudgel each (my
companion being charged with the furniture of us both crammed into one
knapsack), and our money sewed between the linings and waistbands of
our breeches, except some loose silver for our immediate expenses on
the road, We travelled all day at a round pace, but, being ignorant of
the proper stages, were benighted at a good distance from any inn, so
that we were compelled to take up our lodging at a small hedge
alehouse, that stood on a byroad, about half-a-mile from the highway:
there we found a pedlar of our own country, in whose company we regaled
ourselves with bacon and eggs, and a glass of good ale, before a
comfortable fire, conversing all the while very sociably with the
landlord and his daughter, a hale buxom lass, who entertained us with
great good humour, and in whose affection I was vain enough to believe
I had made some progress. About eight o’clock we were all three, at our
own desire, shown into an apartment furnished with two beds, in one of
which Strap and I betook ourselves to rest, and the pedlar occupied the
other, though not before he had prayed a considerable time extempore,
searched into every corner of the room, and fastened the door on the
inside with a strong iron screw, which he carried about with him for
that use.

I slept very sound till midnight when I was disturbed by a violent
motion of the bed, which shook under me with a continual tremor.
Alarmed at this phenomenon, I jogged my companion, whom, to my no small
amazement, I found drenched in sweat, and quaking through every limb;
he told me, with a low faltering voice, that we were undone; for there
was a bloody highwayman, loaded with pistols, in the next room; then,
bidding me make as little noise as possible, he directed me to a small
chink in the board partition through which I could see a thick-set
brawny fellow, with a fierce countenance, sitting at a table with our
young landlady, having a bottle of ale and a brace of pistols before
him.

I listened with great attention, and heard him say, in a terrible tone,
“D—n that son of a b—h, Smack the coachman; he has served me a fine
trick, indeed! but d—ion seize me, if I don’t make him repent it! I’ll
teach the scoundrel to give intelligence to others while he is under
articles with me.”

Our landlady endeavoured to appease this exasperated robber, by saying
he might be mistaken in Smack, who perhaps kept no correspondence with
the other gentleman that robbed his coach; and that, if an accident had
disappointed him to-day, he might soon find opportunities enough to
atone for his lost trouble. “I’ll tell thee what, my dear Bet,” replied
he, “I never had, nor ever shall, while my name is Rifle, have such a
glorious booty as I missed to-day. Z—s! there was £400 in cash to
recruit men for the king’s service, besides the jewels, watches,
swords, and money belonging to the passengers. Had it been my fortune
to have got clear off with so much treasure, I would have purchased a
commission in the army, and made you an officer’s lady, you jade, I
would.” “Well, well,” cries Betty, “we must trust to Providence for
that. But did you find nothing worth taking which escaped the other
gentlemen of the road?” “Not much, faith,” said the lover; “I gleaned a
few things, such as a pair of pops, silver mounted (here they are): I
took them loaded from the captain who had the charge of the money,
together with a gold watch which he had concealed in his breeches. I
likewise found ten Portugal pieces in the shoes of a quaker, whom the
spirit moved to revile me with great bitterness and devotion; but what
I value myself mostly for is, this here purchase, a gold snuffbox, my
girl, with a picture on the inside of the lid; which I untied out of
the tail of a pretty lady’s smock.”

Here, as the devil would have it, the pedlar snored so loud, that the
highwayman, snatching his pistols, started up, crying, “Hell and d-n-n!
I am betrayed! Who’s that in the next room?” Mrs. Betty told him he
need not be uneasy: there were only three poor travellers, who, missing
the road, had taken up their lodgings in the house, and were asleep
long ago. “Travellers,” says he, “spies, you b—ch! But no matter; I’ll
send them all to hell in an instant!” He accordingly ran towards our
door; when his sweetheart interposing, assured him, there was only a
couple of poor young Scotchmen, who were too raw and ignorant to give
him the least cause of suspicion; and the third was a presbyterian
pedlar of the same nation, who had often lodged in the house before.

This declaration satisfied the thief, who swore he was glad there was a
pedlar, for he wanted some linen. Then, in a jovial manner, he put
about the glass, mingling his discourse to Betty with caresses and
familiarities, that spoke him very happy in his amours. During that
part of the conversation which regarded this, Strap had crept under the
bed, where he lay in the agonies of fear; so that it was with great
difficulty I persuaded him our danger was over, and prevailed on him to
awake the pedlar, and inform him of what he had seen and heard.

The itinerant merchant no sooner felt somebody shaking him by the
shoulder, than he started up, called, as loud as he could, “Thieves,
thieves! Lord have mercy upon us!” And Rifle, alarmed at this
exclamation, jumped up, cocked one of his pistols, and turned towards
the door to kill the first man that should enter; for he verily
believed himself beset: when his Dulcinea, after an immoderate fit of
laughter, persuaded him that the poor pedlar, dreaming of thieves, had
only cried out in his sleep.

Meanwhile, my comrade had undeceived our fellow-lodger, and informed
him of his reason for disturbing him; upon which, getting up softly, he
peeped through the hole, and was so terrified with what he saw, that,
falling down on his bare knees, he put up a long petition to Heaven to
deliver him from the hands of that ruffian, and promised never to
defraud a customer for the future of the value of a pin’s point,
provided he might be rescued from the present danger. Whether or not
his disburthening his conscience afforded him any ease I knew not, but
he slipped into bed again, and lay very quiet until the robber and his
mistress were asleep, and snored in concert; then, rising softly, he
untied a rope that was round his pack, which making fast to one end of
it, he opened the window with as little noise as possible, and lowered
his goods into the yard with great dexterity: then he moved gently to
our bedside and bade us farewell, telling us that, as we ran no risk we
might take our rest with great confidence, and in the morning assure
the landlord that we knew nothing of his escape, and, lastly, shaking
us by the hands, and wishing us all manner of success, he let himself
drop from the window without any danger, for the ground was not above a
yard from his feet as he hung on the outside.

Although I did not think proper to accompany him in his flight, I was
not at all free from apprehension when I reflected on what might be the
effect of the highwayman’s disappointment; as he certainly intended to
make free with the pedlar’s ware. Neither was my companion at more ease
in his mind, but on the contrary, so possessed with the dreadful idea
of Rifle, that he solicited me strongly to follow our countryman’s
example, and so elude the fatal resentment of that terrible adventurer,
who would certainly wreak his vengeance on us as accomplices of the
pedlar’s elopement. But I represented to him the danger of giving Rifle
cause to think we know his profession, and suggested that, if ever he
should meet us again on the road, he would look upon us as dangerous
acquaintance, and find it his interest to put us out of the way. I told
him, withal, my confidence in Betty’s good nature, in which he
acquiesced; and during the remaining part of the night we concerted a
proper method of behaviour, to render us unsuspected in the morning.

It was no sooner day than Betty, entering our chamber, and perceiving
our window open, cried out, “Odds-bobs! sure you Scotchmen must have
hot constitutions to lie all night with the window open in such cold
weather.” I feigned to start out of sleep, and, withdrawing the
curtain, called, “What’s the matter?” When she showed me, I affected
surprise, and said, “Bless me! the window was shut when we went to
bed.” “I’ll be hanged,” said she, “if Sawney Waddle, the pedlar, has
not got up in a dream and done it, for I heard him very obstropulous in
his sleep.—Sure I put a chamberpot under his bed!”

With these words she advanced to the bed, in which he lay, and, finding
the sheets cold, exclaimed, “Good lackadaisy! The rogue is fled.”
“Fled,” cried I, with feigned amazement, “God forbid! Sure he has not
robbed us!” Then, springing up, I laid hold of my breeches, and emptied
all my loose money into my hand; which having reckoned, I said, “Heaven
be praised, our money is all safe! Strap, look to the knapsack.” He did
so, and found all was right. Upon which we asked, with seeming concern,
if he had stolen nothing belonging to the house. “No, no,” replied she,
“he has stole nothing but his reckoning;” which, it seems, this pious
pedlar had forgot to discharge in the midst of his devotion.

Betty, after a moment’s pause withdrew, and immediately we could hear
her waken Rifle, who no sooner heard of Waddle’s flight than he jumped
out of bed and dressed, venting a thousand execrations, and vowing to
murder the pedlar if ever he should set eyes on him again: “For,” said
he “the scoundrel has by this time raised the hue and cry against me.”

Having dressed himself in a hurry, he mounted his horse, and for that
time rid us of his company and a thousand fears that were the
consequence of it.

While we were at breakfast, Betty endeavoured, by all the cunning she
was mistress of, to learn whether or no we suspected our fellow-lodger,
whom we saw take horse; but, as we were on our guard, we answered her
sly questions with a simplicity she could not distrust; when, all of a
sudden, we heard the trampling of a horse’s feet at the door. This
noise alarmed Strap so much, whose imagination was wholly engrossed by
the image of Rifle, that, with a countenance as pale as milk, he cried,
“O Lord! there is the highwayman returned!”

Our landlady, staring at these words, said, “What highwayman, young
man? Do you think any highwaymen harbour here?”

Though I was very much disconcerted at this piece of indiscretion in
Strap, I had presence of mind enough to tell her we had met a horseman
the day before, whom Strap had foolishly supposed to be a highwayman,
because he rode with pistols; and that he had been terrified at the
sound of a horse’s feet ever since.

She forced a smile at the ignorance and timidity of my comrade; but I
could perceive, not without great concern, that this account was not at
all satisfactory to her.




CHAPTER IX


We proceed on our Journey—are overtaken by a Highwayman who fires at
Strap—is prevented from shooting me by a Company of Horsemen, who ride
in pursuit of him—Strap is put to Bed at an Inn—Adventures at that Inn


After having paid our score and taken leave of our hostess, who
embraced me tenderly at parting, we proceeded on our journey, blessing
ourselves that we had come off so well. We had not walked above five
miles, when we observed a man on horseback galloping after us, whom we
in a short time recognised to be no other than this formidable hero who
had already given us so much vexation. He stopped hard by me, and asked
if I knew who he was? My astonishment had disconcerted me so much that
I did not hear his question, which he repeated with a volley of oaths
and threats; but I remained as mute as before.

Strap, seeing my discomposure, fell upon his knees in the mud,
uttering, with a lamentable voice, these words: “For Christ’s sake,
have mercy upon us, Mr. Rifle! we know you very well.” “Oho!” cried the
thief, “you do! But you never shall be evidence against me in this
world, you dog!” So saying, he drew a pistol, and fired it at the
unfortunate shaver, who fell flat upon the ground without speaking one
word.

My comrade’s fate and my own situation riveted me to the place where I
stood, deprived of all sense and reflection; so that I did not make the
least attempt either to run away or deprecate the wrath of this
barbarian, who snapped a second pistol at me; but, before he had time
to prime again, perceiving a company of horsemen coming up, he rode
off, and left me standing motionless as a statue, in which posture I
was found by those whose appearance had saved my life. This company
consisted of three men in livery, well armed, with an officer, who (as
I afterwards learned,) was the person from whom Rifle had taken the
pocket pistols the day before; and who, making known his misfortune to
a nobleman he met on the road, and assuring him his non-resistance was
altogether owing to his consideration for the ladies in the coach,
procured the assistance of his lordship’s servants to go in quest of
the plunderer. This holiday captain scampered up to me with great
address, and asked who fired the pistol which he had heard.

As I had not yet recovered my reason, he, before I could answer,
observed a body lying on the ground, at which sight his colour changed,
and he pronounced, with a faltering tongue, “Gentlemen, here’s murder
committed! Let us alight.” “No, no,” said one of his followers, “let us
rather pursue the murderer. Which way went he, young man?”

By this time I had recollected myself so far as to tell them that he
could not be a quarter of a mile before; and to beg one of them to
assist me in conveying the corpse of my friend to the next house, in
order to it being interred. The captain, foreseeing that, in case he
should pursue, he must soon come to action, began to curb his horse,
and gave him the spur at the same time, which treatment making the
creature rear up and snort, he called out, his horse was frightened,
and would not proceed; at the same time wheeling him round and round,
stroking his neck, whistling and wheedling him with “Sirrah,
sirrah—gently, gently.” etc. “Z—ds!”, cried one of the servants, “sure
my lord’s Sorrel is not resty!”

With these words he bestowed a lash on his buttocks, and Sorrel,
disdaining the rein sprang forward with the captain at a pace that
would have soon brought him up with the robber, had not the girth
(happily for him) given way, by which means he landed in the dirt; and
two of his attendants continued their pursuit, without minding his
situation. Meanwhile one of the three who remained at my desire,
turning the body of Strap, in order to see the wound which had killed
him, found him still warm and breathing: upon which, I immediately let
him blood, and saw him, with inexpressible joy, recover; he having
received no other wound than what his fear had inflicted. Having raised
him upon his legs, we walked together to an inn, about half a mile from
the place, where Strap, who was not quite recovered, went to bed; and
in a little time the third servant returned with the captain’s horse
and furniture, leaving him to crawl after as well as he could.

This gentleman of the sword, upon his arrival, complained grievously of
the bruise occasioned by his fall; and, on the recommendation of the
servant, who warranted my ability, I was employed to bleed him, for
which service he rewarded me with half-a-crown.

The time between this event and dinner I passed in observing a game at
cards between two farmers, an exciseman, and a young fellow in a rusty
gown and cassock, who, as I afterwards understood, was curate of a
neighbouring parish. It was easy to perceive that the match was not
equal; and that the two farmers, who were partners, had to do with a
couple of sharpers, who stripped them of all their cash in a very short
time. But what surprised me very much, was to hear this clergyman reply
to one of the countrymen, who seemed to suspect foul play, in these
words: “D—n me, friend, d’ye question my honour?”

I did not at all wonder to find a cheat in canonicals, this being a
character frequent in my own country; but I was scandalised at the
indecency of his behaviour, which appeared in the oaths he swore, and
the bawdy songs which he sung. At last, to make amends in some sort,
for the damage he had done to the unwary boors, he pulled out a fiddle
from the lining of his gown, and, promising to treat them at dinner,
began to play most melodiously, singing in concert all the while. This
good humour of this parson inspired the company with so much glee that
the farmers soon forgot their losses, and all present went to dancing
in the yard.

While we were agreeably amused in this manner, our musician, spying a
horseman a riding towards the inn, stopped all of a sudden, crying out,
“Gad so! gentlemen, I beg your pardon, there’s our dog of a doctor
coming into the inn.” He immediately commended his instrument, and ran
towards the gate, where he took hold of the vicar’s bridle, and helped
him off, inquiring very cordially into the state of his health.

This rosy son of the church, who might be about the age of fifty,
having alighted and entrusted the curate with his horse, stalked with
great solemnity, into the kitchen, where sitting down by the fire, he
called for a bottle of ale and a pipe; scarce deigning an answer to the
submissive questions of those who inquired about the welfare of his
family. While he indulged himself in this state, amidst a profound
silence, the curate, approaching him with great reverence, asked him if
he would not be pleased to honour him with his company at dinner? To
which interrogation he answered in the negative, saying, he had been to
visit Squire Bumpkin, who had drank himself into a high fever at the
last assizes; and that he had, on leaving his own house, told Betty he
should dine at home. Accordingly when he had made an end of his bottle
and pipe, he rose, and moved with prelatical dignity to the door, where
his journeyman stood ready with his nag. He had no sooner mounted than
the facetious curate, coming into the kitchen, held forth in this
manner: “There the old rascal goes, and the d—l go with him. You see
how the world wags, gentlemen. By gad, this rogue of a vicar does not
deserve to live; and yet he has two livings worth four hundred pounds
per annum, while poor I am fain to do all his drudgery, and ride twenty
miles every Sunday to preach—for what? why, truly, for twenty pounds a
year. I scorn to boast of my own qualifications but—comparisons are
odious. I should be glad to know how this wag-bellied doctor deserves
to be more at ease than me. He can loll in his elbow chair at home,
indulge himself in the best of victuals and wine and enjoy the
conversation of Betty, his housekeeper. You understand me, gentlemen.
Betty is the doctor’s poor kinswoman, and a pretty girl she is; but no
matter for that; ay, and dutiful girl to her parents, whom she visits
regularly every year, though I must own I could never learn in what
county they live, My service t’ye, gentlemen.”

By this time dinner being ready, I waked my companion, and we ate
altogether with great cheerfulness. When our meal was ended, and every
man’s share of the reckoning adjusted, the curate went out on pretence
of some necessary occasion, and, mounting his house, left the two
farmers to satisfy the host in the best manner they could. We were no
sooner informed of this piece of finesse, than the exciseman, who had
been silent hitherto, began to open with a malicious grin: “Ay, ay this
is an old trick of Shuffle; I could not help smiling when he talked of
treating. You must know this is a very curious fellow. He picked up
some scraps of learning while he served young Lord Trifte at the
university. But what he most excels in is pimping. No one knows his
talents better than I, for I was valet-de-chambre to Squire Tattle an
intimate companion of Shuffle’s lord. He got him self into a scrape by
pawning some of his lordship’s clothes on which account he was turned
away; but, as he was acquainted with some particular circumstances of
my lord’s conduct, he did not care to exasperate him too much, and so
made interest for his receiving orders, and afterwards recommended him
to the curacy which he now enjoys. However, the fellow cannot be too
much admired for his dexterity in making a comfortable livelihood, in
spite of such a small allowance. You hear he plays a good stick, and is
really diverting company; these qualifications make him agreeable
wherever he goes; and, as for playing at cards there is not a man
within three counties for him. The truth is, he is a d—able cheat, and
can shift a card with such address that it is impossible to discover
him.”

Here he was interrupted by one of the farmers, who asked, why he had
not justice enough to acquaint them with these particulars before they
engaged in play. The exciseman replied, without any hesitation, that it
was none of his business to intermeddle between man and man; besides,
he did not know they were ignorant of Shuffle’s character, which was
notorious to the whole country. This did not satisfy the other, who
taxed him with abetting and assisting the curate’s knavery, and
insisted on having his share of the winnings returned; this demand the
exciseman as positively refused affirming that, whatever sleights
Shuffle might practise on other occasions, he was very certain that he
had played on the square with them, and would answer it before any
bench in Christendom; so saying, he got up and, having paid his
reckoning, sneaked off.

The Landlord, thrusting his neck into the passage to see if he was
gone, shook his head, saying, “Ah! Lord help us! if every sinner was to
have his deserts. Well, we victuallers must not disoblige the
excisemen. But I know what; if parson Shuffle and he were weighed
together, a straw thrown into either scale would make the balance kick
the beam. But, masters, this is under the rose,” continued Boniface
with a whisper.




CHAPTER X


The Highwayman is taken—we are detained as Evidence against him—proceed
to the next village—he escapes—we arrive at another inn, where we go to
Bed—in the Night we are awaked by a dreadful Adventure—next night we
lodge at the house of a Schoolmaster—our Treatment there


Strap and I were about to depart on our journey, when we perceived a
crowd on the road coming towards us, shouting and hallooing all the
way. As it approached, we could discern a man on horseback in the
middle, with his hands tied behind him, whom we soon knew to be Rifle.
The highwayman, not being so well mounted as the two servants who went
in pursuit of him, was soon overtaken, and, after having discharged his
pistols, made prisoner without any further opposition. They were
carrying him in triumph, amidst the acclamations of the country people,
to a justice of peace in a neighbouring village, but stopped at our inn
to join their companions and take refreshment.

When Rifle was dismounted and placed in the yard, within a circle of
peasants, armed with pitchforks, I was amazed to see what a pitiful
dejected fellow he now appeared, who had but a few hours before filled
me with such terror and confusion. My companion was so much encouraged
by this alteration in his appearance that, going up to the thief, he
presented his clenched fists to his nose, and declared he would either
cudgel or box with the prisoner for a guinea, which he immediately
produced, and began to strip, but was dissuaded from this adventure by
me, who represented to him the folly of the undertaking, as Rifle was
now in the hands of justice, which would, no doubt, give us all
satisfaction enough.

But what made me repent of our impertinent curiosity was our being
detained by the captors, as evidence against him, when we were just
going to set forward. However, there was no remedy; we were obliged to
comply, and accordingly joined in the cavalcade, which luckily took the
same road that we had proposed to follow. About the twilight we arrived
at the place of our destination, but as the justice was gone to visit a
gentleman in the country, with whom (we understood) he would probably
stay all night, the robber was confined in an empty garret, three
stories high, from which it seemed impossible for him to escape; this,
nevertheless, was the case; for next morning when they went up stairs
to bring him before the justice, the bird was flown, having got out at
the window upon the roof from whence he continued his route along the
tops of the adjoining houses, and entered another garret where he
skulked until the family were asleep; at which time he ventured down
stairs, and let himself out by the street-door, which was open.

This event was a great disappointment to those that apprehended him,
who were flushed with the hopes of the reward; but gave me great joy,
as I was permitted now to continue my journey, without any further
molestation. Resolving to make up for the small progress we had
hitherto made, we this day travelled with great vigour and before night
reached a market town twenty miles from the place from whence we set
out in the morning, without meeting any adventure worth notice. Here
having taken up our lodging at an an inn, I found myself so fatigued
that I began to despair of performing our journey on foot, and desired
Strap to inquire if there were any waggon, return horses, or any cheap
carriage in this place, to depart for London next day. He was informed
that the waggon from Newcastle to London had halted there two nights
ago, and that it would be an easy matter to overtake it, if not the
next day, at farthest, the day after the next. This piece of news gave
us some satisfaction; and, after having made a hearty supper on hashed
mutton, we were shown to our room, which contained two beds, the one
allotted for us, and the other for a very honest gentleman, who, we
were told, was then drinking below. Though we could have very well
dispensed with his company, we were glad to submit to this disposition,
as there was not another bed empty in the house; and accordingly went
to rest, after having secured our baggage under the bolster. About two
or three o’clock in the morning I was awaked out of a very profound
sleep by a dreadful noise in the chamber, which did not fail to throw
me into an agony of consternation, when I heard these words pronounced
with a terrible voice: “Blood and wounds! run the halbert into the guts
of him that’s next you, and I’ll blow the other’s brains out
presently.”

This dreadful salutation had no sooner reached the ears of Strap than,
starting out of bed, he ran against somebody in the dark, and
overturned him in an instant; at the same time bawling out, “Fire!
murder! fire!” a cry which in a moment alarmed the whole house, and
filled our chamber with a crowd of naked people. When lights were
brought, the occasion of all this disturbance soon appeared; which was
no other than a fellow lodger, whom we found lying on the floor,
scratching his head, with a look testifying the utmost astonishment at
the concourse of apparitions that surrounded him.

This honest gentleman was, it seems, a recruiting sergeant, who, having
listed two country fellows over night, dreaded they had mutinied, and
threatened to murder him and the drummer who was along with him. This
made such an impression on his imagination, that he got up in his sleep
and expressed himself as above. When our apprehension of danger
vanished, the company beheld one another with great surprise and mirth;
but what attracted the notice of everyone was our landlady, with
nothing on her but her shift and a large pair of buckskin breeches,
with the backside before, which she had slipped on in the hurry, and
her husband with her petticoat about his shoulders; one had wrapped
himself in a blanket, another was covered with a sheet, and the
drummer, who had given his only shirt to be washed, appeared in cuerpo
with a bolster rolled about his middle.

When this affair was discussed, everybody retired to his own apartment,
the sergeant slipped into bed, and my companion and I slept without any
further disturbance till morning, when we got up, went to breakfast,
paid our reckoning, and set forward in expectation of overtaking the
waggon; in which hope, however, we were disappointed for that day. As
we exerted ourselves more than usual, I found myself quite spent with
fatigue, when we entered a small village in the twilight. We inquired
for a public-house, and were directed to one of a very sorry
appearance. At our entrance the landlord, who seemed to be a venerable
old man, with long gray hair, rose from a table placed by a large fire
in a very neat paved kitchen, and with a cheerful countenance accosted
us in these words: “Salvete, pueri. Ingredimini.” I was not a little
pleased to hear our host speak Latin, because I was in hope of
recommending myself to him by my knowledge in that language; I
therefore answered, without hesitation, “Dissolve frigus, ligna super
foco—large reponens.” I had no sooner pronounced these words, than the
old gentleman, running towards me, shook me by the hand, crying, “Fili
mi dilectissime! unde venis?—a superis, ni fallor?” In short, finding
we were both read in the classics, he did not know how to testify his
regard enough; but ordered his daughter, a jolly rosy-cheeked damsel
who was his sole domestic, to bring us a bottle of his quadrimum,
repeating from Horace at the same time, “Deprome quadrimum sabina, O
Tholiarche, merum diota.” This was excellent ale of his own brewing, of
which he told us he had always an amphora four years old, for the use
of himself and friends.

In the course of our conversation, which was interlarded with scraps of
Latin, we understood that this facetious person was a schoolmaster,
whose income being small, he was fain to keep a glass of good liquor
for the entertainment of passengers by which he made shift to make the
two ends of the year meet. “I am this day,” said he, “the happiest old
fellow in his majesty’s dominions. My wife, rest her soul, is in
heaven. My daughter is to be married next week; but the two chief
pleasures of my life are these (pointing to the bottle and a large
edition of Horace that lay on the table). I am old, ’tis true—what
then? the more reason I should enjoy the small share of life that
remains, as my friend Flaccus advises: ‘Tu ne quaesieris (scire nefas)
quem mihi, quem tibi finem dii dederint. Carpe diem, quam minimum
credula postero.’”

As he was very inquisitive about our affairs, we made no scruple of
acquainting him with our situation, which when he had learned, he
enriched us with advices how to behave in the world, telling us that he
was no stranger to the deceits of mankind. In the meantime he ordered
his daughter to lay a fowl to the fire for supper, for he was resolved
this night to regale his friends—permittens divis caetera. While our
entertainment was preparing, our host recounted the adventures of his
own life, which, as they contained nothing remarkable, I forbear to
rehearse. When we had fared sumptuously, and drunk several bottles of
his I expressed a desire of going to rest, which was with some
difficulty complied with, after he had informed us that we should
overtake the waggon by noon next day; and that there was room enough in
it for half-a-dozen, for there were only four passengers as yet in that
convenience.

Before my comrade and I fell asleep, we had some conversation about the
good humour of our landlord, which gave Strap such an idea of his
benevolence, that he positively believed we should pay nothing for our
lodging and entertainment. “Don’t you observe,” said he, “that he has
conceived a particular affection for us—nay, even treated us at supper
with extraordinary fare, which, to be sure, we should not of ourselves
have called for?”

I was partly of Strap’s opinion; but the experience I had of the world
made me suspend my belief till the morning, when, getting up betimes,
we breakfasted with our host and his daughter on hasty-pudding and ale,
and desired to know what we had to pay. “Biddy will let you know,
gentlemen,” said he; “for I never mind these matters. Money matters are
beneath the concern of one who lives upon the Horatian plan—Crescentum
sequitur cura pecuniam.” Meanwhile, Biddy, having consulted a slate
that hung in the corner, told us our reckoning came to 8s. 7d. “Eight
shillings and seven pence!” cried Strap, “’tis impossible! you must be
mistaken, young woman.” “Reckon again, child,” says her father, very
deliberately; “perhaps you have miscounted.” “No, indeed,” replied she,
“I know my business better.” I could contain my indignation no longer,
but said it was an unconscionable bill, and demanded to know the
particulars; upon which the old man got up, muttering, “Ay, ay, let us
see the particulars—that’s but reasonable.” And, taking pen, ink, and
paper, wrote the following items:

To bread and beer	0 6 To a fowl and sausages	2 6 To four bottles
of _quadrim_	2 0 To fire and tobacco	0 7 To lodging	2 0 To
breakfast	1 0 —— 8 7

As he had not the appearance of a common publican, and had raised a
sort of veneration in me by his demeanour the preceding night, it was
not in my power to upbraid him as he deserved; therefore, I contented
myself with saying I was sure he did not learn to be an extortioner
from Horace. He answered, I was but a young man and did not know the
world, or I would not tax him with extortion, whose only aim was to
live contentus parvo, and keep off importuna pauperies. My fellow
traveller could not so easily put up with this imposition; but swore he
should either take one-third of the money or go without. While we were
engaged in this dispute, I perceived the daughter go out, and,
conjecturing the occasion, immediately paid the exorbitant demand,
which was no sooner done than Biddy returned with two stout fellows,
who came in on pretence of taking their morning draught, but in reality
to frighten us into compliance. Just as we departed, Strap, who was
half-distracted on account of this piece of expense, went up to the
schoolmaster, and, grinning in his face, pronounced with great
emphasis—“Semper avarus eget.” To which the pedant replied, with a
malicious smile—“Animum rege, qui, nisi paret, imperat.”




CHAPTER XI


We descry the Waggon—get into it—arrive at an inn—our Fellow Travellers
described—a Mistake is committed by Strap, which produces strange
things


We travelled half-a-mile without exchanging one word; my thoughts being
engrossed by the knavery of the world, to which I must be daily
exposed, and the contemplation of my finances, which began sensibly to
diminish. At length, Strap, who could hold no longer, addressed me
thus: “Well, fools and their money are soon parted. If my advice had
been taken, that old skin-flint should have been d—n’d before he had
got more than the third of his demand. ’Tis a sure sign you came easily
by your money, when you squander it away in this manner. Ah! God help
you, how many bristly beards must I have mowed before I earned four
shillings and threepence-halfpenny, which is all thrown to the dogs!
How many days have I sat weaving hair till my toes were numbed by the
cold, my fingers cramped, and my nose as blue as the sign of the
periwig that hung over the door! What the devil was you afraid of? I
would have engaged to box with any one of those fellows who came in for
a guinea—I’m sure—I have beat stouter men than either of them.” And,
indeed, my companion would have fought anybody when his life was in no
danger; but he had a mortal aversion to fire-arms and all instruments
of death. In order to appease him, I assured him no part of this
extraordinary expense should fall upon his shoulders; at which
declaration he was affronted, and told me he would have me to know
that, although he was a poor barber’s boy, yet he had a soul to spend
big money with the best squire of the land.

Having walked all day at a great pace, without halting for a
refreshment, we descried, toward the evening, to our inexpressible joy,
the waggon about a quarter of a mile before us; and, by that time we
reached it, were both of us so weary that I verily believe it would
have been impracticable for us to have walked one mile farther. We,
therefore, bargained with the driver, whose name was Joey, to give us a
cast to the next stage for a shilling; at which place we should meet
the master of the waggon, with whom we might agree for the rest of the
journey.

Accordingly the convenience stopped, and Joey having placed the ladder,
Strap (being loaded with our baggage) mounted first; but, just as he
was getting in, a tremendous voice assailed his ears in these words:
“God’s fury! there shall no passengers come here.” The poor shaver was
so disconcerted at this exclamation, which both he and I imagined
proceeded from the mouth of a giant, that he descended with great
velocity and a countenance as white as paper. Joey, perceiving our
astonishment, called, with an arch sneer, “Waunds, coptain, whay woant
yau sooffer the poor waggoneer to meake a penny? Coom, coom, young man,
get oop, get oop, never moind the coptain; I’se not afeard of the
coptain.”

This was not encouragement sufficient to Strap, who could not be
prevailed upon to venture up again; upon which I attempted, though not
without a quaking heart, when I heard the same voice muttering, like
distant thunder—“Hell and the devil confound me, if I don’t make you
smart for this!” However, I crept in, and by accident got an empty
place in the straw, which I immediately took possession of, without
being able to discern the faces of my fellow-travellers in the dark.
Strap following, with the knapsack on his back, chanced to take the
other side, and, by a jolt of the carriage, pitched directly upon the
stomach of the captain, who bellowed out, in a most dreadful manner,
“Blood and thunder! where’s my sword?” At these words my frighted
comrade started up, and, at one spring, bounced against me with such
force that I thought he was the supposed son of Anak, who intended to
press me to death. In the meantime a female voice cried, “Bless me!
what is the matter, my dear?” “The matter,” replied the captain, “d—n
my blood! my guts are squeezed into a pancake by that Scotchman’s
hump.” Strap, trembling all the while at my back, asked him pardon, and
laid the blame of what had happened upon the jolting of the waggon; and
the woman who spoke before went on: “Ay, ay, my dear, it is our own
fault; we may thank ourselves for all the inconveniences we meet with.
I thank God I never travelled so before. I am sure if my lady or Sir
John were to know where we are they would not sleep this night for
vexation. I wish to God we had writ for the chariot; I know we shall
never be forgiven.” “Come, come, my dear,” replied the captain, “it
don’t signify fretting now; we shall laugh it over as a frolic; I hope
you will not suffer in your health. I shall make my lord very merry
with our adventures in this diligence.”

The discourse gave me such a high notion of the captain and his lady
that I durst not venture to join in the conversation; but immediately
after another female voice began: “Some people give themselves a great
many needless airs; better folks than any here have travelled in
waggons before now. Some of us have rode in coaches and chariots, with
three footmen behind them, without making so much fuss about it. What
then? We are now all upon a footing; therefore let us be sociable and
merry. What do you say, Isaac? Is not this a good motion, you doting
rogue? Speak, you old cent per cent fornicator? What desperate debt are
you thinking of? What mortgage are you planning? Well, Isaac,
positively you shall never gain my favour till you turn over a new
leaf, grow honest, and live like a gentleman. In the meantime give me a
kiss, you old fumbler.” These words, accompanied with a hearty smack,
enlivened the person to whom they were addressed to such a degree that
he cried, in transport, though with a faltering voice, “Ah! you wanton
baggage—upon my credit, you are a waggish girl—he, he, he!” This laugh
introduced a fit of coughing, which almost suffocated the poor usurer
(such we afterwards found was the profession of this our
fellow-traveller).

About this time I fell asleep, and enjoyed a comfortable nap till such
time as we arrived at the inn where we put up. Here, having alighted
from the waggon, I had an opportunity of viewing the passengers in
order as they entered. The first who appeared was a brisk, airy girl,
about twenty years old, with a silver-laced hat on her head instead of
a cap, a blue stuff riding-suit, trimmed with silver very much
tarnished, and a whip in her hand. After her came, limping, an old man,
with a worsted nightcap buttoned under his chin, and a broad-brimmed
hat slouched over it, an old rusty blue cloak tied about his neck,
under which appeared a brown surtout, that covered a threadbare coat
and waistcoat, and, as he afterwards discerned, a dirty flannel jacket.
His eyes were hollow, bleared, and gummy; his face was shrivelled into
a thousand wrinkles, his gums were destitute of teeth, his nose sharp
and drooping, his chin peaked and prominent, so that, when he mumped or
spoke, they approached one another like a pair of nutcrackers: he
supported himself on an ivory-headed cane and his whole figure was a
just emblem of winter, famine, and avarice. But how was I surprised,
when I beheld the formidable captain in the shape of a little thin
creature, about the age of forty, with a long withered visage, very
much resembling that of a baboon, through the upper part of which two
little gray eyes peeped: he wore his own hair in a queue that reached
to his rump, which immoderate length, I suppose, was the occasion of a
baldness that appeared on the crown of his head when he deigned to take
off his hat, which was very much of the size and cock of Pistol’s.

Having laid aside his great-coat, I could not help admiring the
extraordinary make of this man of war: he was about five feet and three
inches high, sixteen inches of which went to his face and long scraggy
neck: his thighs were about six inches in length, his legs resembling
spindles or drumsticks, five feet and a half, and his body, which put
me in mind of extension without substance, engrossed the remainder: so
that on the whole, he appeared like a spider or grasshopper erect, and
was almost a vox et praeterea nihil. His dress consisted of a frock of
what is called bearskin, the skirts of which were about half a foot
long, an hussar waistcoat, scarlet breeches reaching half way down his
thighs, worsted stockings rolled up almost to his groin, and shoes with
wooden heels at least two inches high; he carried a sword very near as
long as himself in one hand, and with the other conducted his lady, who
seemed to be a woman of his own age, and still retained some remains of
an agreeable person, but so ridiculously affected, that, had I not been
a novice in the world, I might have easily perceived in her the
deplorable vanity and second-hand airs of a lady’s woman.

We were all assembled in the kitchen, when Captain Weazel (for that was
his name) desired a room with a fire for himself and spouse, and told
the landlord they would up by themselves. The innkeeper replied that he
could not afford them a room by themselves; and as for supping, he had
prepared victuals for the passengers in the waggon, without respect of
persons, but if he could prevail on the rest to let him have his choice
in a separate manner, he should be very well pleased. This was no
sooner said than all of us declared against the proposal, and Miss
Jenny (our other female passenger), observed that, if Captain Weazel
and his lady had a mind to sup by themselves, they might wait until we
should have done. At this hint the captain put on a martial frown, and
looked very big, without speaking; while his yokefellow, with a
disdainful toss of her nose, muttered something about “Creature!” which
Miss Jenny overhearing, stepped up to her, saying, “None of your names,
good Mrs. Abigail. Creature, quotha—I’ll assure you no such creature as
you neither—no ten-pound sneaker—no quality-coupler.” Here the captain
interposed, with a “D—e, madam, what do you mean by that?” “D—n you
sir, who are you?” replied Miss Jenny, “who made you a captain, you
pitiful, trencher-scraping, pimping curler? ’Sdeath! the army is come
to a fine pass, when such fellows as you get commissions. What, I
suppose you think I don’t know you? Egad, you and your helpmate are
well met—a cast-off mistress and a bald valet-de-chambre are well yoked
together.” “Blood and wounds!” cried Weazel, “d’ye question the honour
of my wife, madam? Hell and d-ion! No man in England durst say so
much—I would flay him, carbonado him! Fury and destruction! I would
have his liver for my supper.” So saying, he drew his sword and
flourished with it, to the great terror of Strap; while Miss Jenny,
snapping her fingers, told him she did not value his resentment a
louse.

In the midst of this quarrel the master of the waggon alighted, who,
understanding the cause of the disturbance, and fearing the captain and
his lady would take umbrage and leave his carriage, was at great pains
to have everything made up, which he at last accomplished, and we sat
down to supper altogether. At bedtime we were shown to our apartments;
the old usurer, Strap, and I, to one room; the captain, his wife, and
Miss Jenny, to another. About midnight, my companion’s bowels being
disordered, he got up, in order to go backward, but in his return,
mistaking one door for another, entered Weazel’s chamber, and without
any hesitation went to bed to his wife, who was fast asleep, the
captain being at another end of the room groping for some empty vessel,
in lieu of his own chamberpot, which was leaky: as he did not perceive
Strap coming in, he went towards his own bed, after having found a
convenience; but no sooner did he feel a rough head, covered with a
cotton nightcap, than it came into his mind that he had mistaken Miss
Jenny’s bed instead of his own, and that the head he felt was that of
some gallant, with whom she had made an assignation. Full of his
conjecture, and scandalised at the prostitution of his apartment, he
snatched up the vessel he had just before filled, and emptied it at
once on the astonished barber and his own wife, who waking at that
instant, broke forth into lamentable cries, which not only alarmed the
husband beyond measure, but frighted poor Strap almost out of his
senses; for he verily believed himself bewitched, especially when the
incensed captain seized him by the throat, with a volley of oaths,
asking him how he durst have the presumption to attempt the chastity of
his wife. Poor Strap was so amazed and confounded, that he could say
nothing but—“I take God to witness she’s a virgin for me.”

Mrs. Weazel, enraged to find herself in such a pickle through the
precipitation of her husband, arose in her shift, and with the heel of
her shoe which she found by the bedside, belaboured the captain’s bald
pate till he roared “Murder.” “I’ll teach you to empty your stinkpots
on me,” cried she, “you pitiful hop-o’-my-thumb coxcomb. What, I
warrant you’re jealous, you man of lath. Was it for this I condescended
to take you to my bed, you poor, withered, sapless twig?”

The noise occasioned by this adventure had brought the master of the
waggon and me to the door, where we overheard all that passed with
great satisfaction. In the meantime we were alarmed with the cry of
“Rape! Murder! Rape!” which Jenny pronounced with great vociferation.
“Oh! You vile abominable old villain,” said she, “would you rob me of
my virtue? But I’ll be revenged of you, you old goat! I will! Help! for
heaven’s sake! help! I shall be ravished! ruined! help!” Some servants
of the inn, hearing this cry, came running upstairs with lights, and
such weapons as chance afforded; when we beheld a very diverting scene.
In one corner stood the poor captain shivering in his shirt, which was
all torn to rags: with a woeful visage, scratched all over by his wife,
who had by this time wrapped the counterpane about her, and sat sobbing
on the side of her bed. At the other end lay the old usurer, sprawling
on Miss Jenny’s bed, with his flannel jacket over his shirt, and his
tawny meagre limbs exposed to the air; while she held him fast by the
two ears, and loaded him with execrations. When he asked what was the
matter, she affected to weep, told us she was afraid that wicked rogue
had ruined her in her sleep, and bade us take notice of what we saw,
for she intended to make use of our evidence against him. The poor
wretch looked like one more dead than alive, and begged to be released;
a favour which he had no sooner obtained than he protested she was no
woman, but a devil incarnate—that she had first seduced his flesh to
rebel, and then betrayed him. “Yes, cockatrice,” continued he, “you
know you laid this snare for me—but you shan’t succeed—for I will hang
myself before you shall get a farthing of me.” So saying, he crawled to
his own bed, groaning all the way. We then advanced to the Captain, who
told us, “Gentlemen, here has been a d—d mistake; but I’ll be revenged
on him who was the cause of it. That Scotchman who carries the knapsack
shall not breathe this vital air another day, if my name be Weazel. My
dear, I ask you ten thousand pardons; you are sensible, I could mean no
harm to you.” “I know not what you meant,” replied she, sighing, “but I
know I have got enough to send me to my grave.” At length they were
reconciled. The wife was complimented with a share of Miss Jenny’s bed
(her own being overflowed), and the master of the waggon invited Weazel
to sleep the remaining part of the night with him. I retired to mine,
where I found Strap mortally afraid, he having stolen away in the dark
while the captain and his lady were at loggerheads.




CHAPTER XII


Captain Weazel challenges Strap, who declines the Combat—an Affair
between the Captain and me—the Usurer is fain to give Miss Jenny five
Guineas for a Release—we are in Danger of losing a Meal—the Behaviour
of Weazel, Jenny, and Joey, on that Occasion—an Account of Captain
Weazel and his Lady—the Captain’s Courage tried—Isaac’s mirth at the
Captain’s Expense


Next morning I agreed to give the master of the waggon ten shillings
for my passage to London, provided Strap should be allowed to take my
place when I should be disposed to walk. At the same time I desired him
to appease the incensed captain, who had entered the kitchen with a
drawn sword in his hand, and threatened with many oaths to sacrifice
the villain who attempted to violate his bed; but it was to no purpose
for the master to explain the mistake, and assure him of the poor lad’s
innocence, who stood trembling behind me all the while: the more
submission that appeared in Strap, the more implacable seemed the
resentment of Weazel, who swore he must either fight him or he would
instantly put him to death. I was extremely provoked at this insolence,
and told him, it could not be supposed that a poor barber lad would
engage a man of the sword at his own weapon; but I was persuaded he
would wrestle or box with him. To which proposal Strap immediately gave
assent, by saying, “he would box with him for a guinea.” Weazel replied
with a look of disdain, that it was beneath any gentleman of his
character to fight like a porter, or even to put himself on a footing,
in any respect, with such a fellow as Strap. “Odds bodikins!” cries
Joey, “sure, coptain, yaw would not commit moorder! Here’s a poor lad
that is willing to make atonement for his offence; and an that woan’t
satisfie yaw, offers to fight yaw fairly. And yaw woan’t box, I dare
say, he will coodgel with yaw. Woan’t yaw, my lad?” Strap, after some
hesitation, answered, “Yes, yes, I’ll cudgel with him.” But this
expedient being also rejected by the captain, I began to smell his
character, and, tipping Strap the wink, told the captain that I had
always heard it said, the person who receives a challenge should have
the choice of the weapons; this therefore being the rule in point of
honour, I would venture to promise on the head of my companion, that he
would even fight Captain Weazel at sharps; but it should be with such
sharps as Strap was best acquainted with, namely, razors. At my
mentioning razors: I could perceive the captain’s colour change while
Strap, pulling me by the sleeve, whispered with great eagerness: “No,
no, no; for the love of God, don’t make any such bargain.” At length,
Weazel, recovering himself, turned towards me, and with a ferocious
countenance asked, “Who the devil are you? Will you fight me?” With
these words, putting himself in a posture, I was grievously alarmed at
seeing the point of a sword within half a foot of my breast; and,
springing to one side, snatched up a spit that stood in the
chimney-corner, with which I kept my formidable adversary at bay, who
made a great many half-longes, skipping backward at every push, till at
last I pinned him up in a corner, to the no small diversion of the
company. While he was in this situation his wife entered, and, seeing
her husband in these dangerous circumstances, uttered a dreadful
scream: in this emergency, Weazel demanded a cessation, which was
immediately granted; and at last was contented with the submission of
Strap, who, falling on his knees before him, protested the innocence of
his intention, and asked pardon for the mistake he had committed. This
affair being ended without bloodshed, we went to breakfast, but missed
two of our company, namely, Miss Jenny and the usurer. As for the
first, Mrs. Weazel informed us, that she had kept her awake all night
with her groans; and that when she rose in the morning, Miss Jenny was
so much indisposed that she could not proceed on her journey. At that
instant, a message came from her to the master of the waggon, who
immediately went into her chamber, followed by us all. She told him in
a lamentable tone, that she was afraid of a miscarriage, owing to the
fright she received last night from the brutality of Isaac; and, as the
event was uncertain, desired the usurer might be detained to answer for
the consequence. Accordingly, this ancient Tarquin was found in the
waggon, whither he had retired to avoid the shame of last night’s
disgrace, and brought by force into her presence. He no sooner appeared
than she began to weep and sigh most piteously, and told us, if she
died, she would leave her blood upon the head of that ravisher. Poor
Isaac turned up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God would
deliver him from the machinations of that Jezebel; and assured us, with
tears in his eyes, that his being found in bed with her was the result
of her own invitation. The waggoner, understanding the case, advised
Isaac to make it up, by giving her a sum of money: to which advice he
replied with great vehemence, “A sum of money!—a halter for the
cockatrice!” “Oh! ’tis very well,” said Miss Jenny; “I see it is in
vain to attempt that flinty heart of his by fair means. Joey, be so
good as to go to the justice, and tell him there is a sick person here,
who wants to see him on an affair of consequence.” At the name of
justice Isaac trembled, and bidding Joey stay, asked with a quavering
voice, “What she would have? She told him that, as he had not
perpetrated his wicked purpose, she would be satisfied with a small
matter. And though the damage she might sustain in her health might be
irreparable, she would give him a release for a hundred guineas.” “A
hundred guineas!” cried he in an ecstacy, “a hundred furies! Where
should a poor old wretch like me have a hundred guineas? If I had so
much money, d’ya think I should be found travelling in a waggon, at
this season of the year?” “Come, come,” replied Jenny, “none of your
miserly artifice here. You think I don’t know Isaac Rapine, the
money-broker, in the Minories. Ah! you old rogue! many a pawn have you
had of me and my acquaintance, which was never redeemed.” Isaac,
finding it was in vain to disguise himself, offered twenty shillings
for a discharge, which she absolutely refused under fifty pounds: at
last, however, she was brought down to five, which he paid with great
reluctancy, rather than be prosecuted for a rape. After which
accommodation, the sick person made a shift to get into the waggon, and
we set forward in great tranquillity; Strap being accommodated with
Joey’s horse, the driver himself choosing to walk. The morning and
forenoon we were entertained with an account of the valour of Captain
Weazel, who told us he had once knocked down a soldier that made game
of him; tweaked a drawer by the nose, who found fault with his picking
his teeth with a fork, at another time; and that he had moreover
challenged a cheesemonger, who had the presumption to be his rival: for
the truth of which exploits he appealed to his wife. She confirmed
whatever he said, and observed, “The last affair happened that very day
on which I received a love-letter from Squire Gobble, and don’t you
remember, my dear, I was prodigiously sick that very night with eating
ortolans, when my Lord Diddle took notice of my complexion’s being
altered, and my lady was so alarmed that she had well nigh fainted?”
“Yes, my dear,” replied the captain, “you know my lord said to me, with
a sneer, ‘Billy, Mrs. Weazel is certainly breeding.’ And I answered
cavalierly, ‘My lord, I wish I could return the compliment.’ Upon which
the whole company broke out into an immoderate fit of laughter; and my
lord, who loves a repartee dearly, came round and bussed me.” We
travelled in this manner five days, without interruption or meeting
anything worth notice: Miss Jenny, who soon recovered her spirits,
entertaining us every day with diverting songs, of which she could sing
a great number; and rallying her own gallant, who, notwithstanding,
would never be reconciled to her. On the sixth day, while we were about
to sit down to dinner, the innkeeper came and told us, that three
gentlemen, just arrived, had ordered the victuals to be carried to
their apartment, although he had informed them that they were bespoke
by the passengers in the waggon. To which information they had replied,
“the passengers in the waggon might be d—d, their betters must be
served before them; they supposed it would be no hardship on such
travellers to dine upon bread and cheese for one day.” This was a
terrible disappointment to us all; and we laid our heads together how
to remedy it; when Miss Jenny observed that Captain Weazel, being by
profession a soldier, ought in this case to protect and prevent us from
being insulted. But the Captain excused himself, saying, he would not
for all the world be known to have travelled in a waggon! swearing at
the same time, that could he appear with honour, they should eat his
sword sooner than his provision. Upon this declaration, Miss Jenny,
snatching his weapon, drew it, and ran immediately into the kitchen,
where she threatened to put the cook to death if he did not send the
victuals into our chamber immediately. The noise she made brought the
three strangers down, one of whom no sooner perceived her than he
cried, “Ha! Jenny Ramper! what the devil brought thee hither?” “My dear
Jack Rattle!” replied she, running into his arms, “is it you? Then
Weazel may go to hell for a dinner—I shall dine with you.”

They consented to this proposal with a great deal of joy; and we were
on the point of being reduced to a very uncomfortable meal, when Joey,
understanding the whole affair, entered the kitchen with a pitchfork in
his hand, and swore he would be the death of any man who should pretend
to seize the victuals prepared for the waggon. The menace had like to
have produced fatal consequences; the three strangers drawing their
swords, and being joined by their servants, and we ranging ourselves on
the side of Joey; when the landlord, interposing, offered to part with
his own dinner to keep the peace, which was accepted by the strangers;
and we sat down at table without any further molestation. In the
afternoon, I chose to walk along with Joey, and Strap took my place.
Having entered into a conversation with this driver, I soon found him
to be a merry, facetious, good-natured fellow, and withal very arch; he
informed me, that Miss Jenny was a common girl upon the town, who,
falling into company with a recruiting officer, he carried her down in
the stage coach from London to Newcastle, where he had been arrested
for debt, and was now in prison; upon which she was fain to return to
her former way of life, by this conveyance. He told me likewise, that
one of the gentleman’s servants, who were left at the inn, having
accidentally seen Weazel, immediately knew him, and acquainted Joey
with some particulars of his character. That he had served my Lord
Frizzle in quality of valet-de-chambre many years, while he lived
separate from his lady; but, upon their reconciliation, she expressly
insisted upon Weazel’s being turned off, as well as the woman he kept:
when his lordship, to get rid of them both with a good grace, proposed
that he should marry his Mistress, and he would procure a commission
for him in the army: this expedient was agreed to, and Weazel is now,
by his lordship’s interest, ensigned in —’s regiment. I found he and I
had the same sentiments with regard to Weazel’s courage, which he
resolved to put to the trial, by alarming the passengers with the cry
of a ‘highwayman!’ as soon as a horseman should appear.

This scheme we put in practice, towards the dusk, when we descried a
man on horseback approaching us. Joey had no sooner intimated to the
people in the waggon, that he was afraid we should be all robbed than a
general consternation arose: Strap jumped out of the waggon, and hid
himself behind a hedge. The usurer put forth ejaculations, and made a
rustling among the straw, which made us conjecture he had hid something
under it. Mrs. Weazel, wringing her hands uttered lamentable cries: and
the captain, to our great amazement, began to snore; but this artifice
did not succeed; for Miss Jenny, shaking him by the shoulder, bawled
out, “Sdeath! captain, is this a time to snore, when we are going to be
robbed? Get up for shame, and behave like a soldier and man of honour!”
Weazel pretended to be in a great passion for being disturbed, and
swore he would have his nap out if all the highwaymen in England
surrounded him. “D—n my blood! what are you afraid of?” continued he;
at the same time trembling with such agitation that the whole carriage
shook. This singular piece of behaviour incensed Miss Ramper so much
that she cried, “D—n your pitiful soul, you are as arrant a poltroon,
as ever was drummed out of a regiment. Stop the waggon, Joey—let me
out, and by G—d, if I have rhetoric enough, the thief shall not only
take your purse, but your skin also.” So saying she leaped out with
great agility. By this time the horseman came up and happened to be a
gentleman’s servant well known to Joey, who communicated the scheme,
and desired him to carry it on a little further, by going into the
waggon, and questioning those within. The stranger, consenting for the
sake of diversion, approached it, and in a terrible tone demanded, “Who
have we got here?” Isaac replied, with a lamentable voice, “Here’s a
poor miserable sinner, who has got a small family to maintain, and
nothing in the world wherewithal, but these fifteen shillings which if
you rob me of we must all starve together.” “Who’s that sobbing in the
other corner?” said the supposed highwayman. “A poor unfortunate
woman,” answered Mrs. Weazle, “upon whom I beg you, for Christ’s sake,
to have compassion.” “Are you maid or wife,” said he. “Wife, to my
sorrow,” said she. “Who, or where is your husband?” continued he. “My
husband,” replied Mrs. Weazel, “is an officer in the army and was left
sick at the last inn where we dined.” “You must be mistaken, madam,”
said he, “for I myself saw him get into the waggon this afternoon. But
pray what smell is that? Sure your lapdog has befouled himself; let me
catch hold of the nasty cur, I’ll teach him better manners.” Here he
laid hold of one of Weazel’s legs, and pulled him out from under his
wife’s petticoat, where he had concealed himself. The poor trembling
captain, being detected in his inglorious situation, rubbed his eyes,
and affecting to wake out of sleep, cried, “What’s the matter? What’s
the matter?” “The matter is not much,” answered the horseman; “I only
called in to inquire after your health, and so adieu, most noble
captain.” He clapped spurs to his horse, and was out of sight in a
moment.

It was some time before Weazel could recollect himself, but at length
reassuming the big look, he said, “D—n the fellow! why did he ride away
before I had time to ask him how his lord and lady do? Don’t you
remember Tom, my dear?” addressing himself to his wife. “Yes,” replied
she, “I think I do remember something of the fellow, but you know I
seldom converse with people of his station.” “Hey-day!” cried Joey, “do
yaw knaw the young mon, coptain?” “Know him,” said Weazel, “many a time
has he filled a glass of Burgundy for me, at my Lord Trippett’s table.”
“And what may his name be, coptain?” said Joey. “His name!—his name,”
replied Weazel, “is Tom Rinser.” “Waunds,” cried Joey, “a has changed
his own neame then! for I’se lay a wager he was christened John
Trotter.” This observation raised a laugh against the captain, who
seemed very much disconcerted; when Isaac broke silence, and said, “It
is no matter who or what he was, since he has not proved the robber we
suspected, and we ought to bless God for our narrow escape.” “Bless
God,” said Weazel, “bless the devil! for what? Had he been a
highwayman, I should have eaten his blood, body, and guts, before he
had robbed me, or any one in this diligence.” “Ha, ha, ha,” cried Miss
Jenny, “I believe you will eat all you kill, indeed, captain.” The
usurer was so well pleased at the event of this adventure, that he
could not refrain from being severe, and took notice that Captain
Weazel seemed to be a good Christian, for he had armed himself with
patience and resignation, instead of carnal weapons; and worked out his
salvation with fear and trembling. This piece of satire occasioned a
great deal of mirth at Weazel’s expense, who muttered a great many
oaths, and threatened to cut Isaac’s throat. The usurer, taking hold of
this menace, said, “Gentlemen and ladies, I take you all to witness,
that my life is in danger from this bloody-minded officer; I’ll have
him bound over to the peace.” This second sneer produced another laugh
against him, and he remained crestfallen during the remaining part of
our journey.




CHAPTER XIII


Strap and I are terrified by an Apparition—Strap’s Conjecture—the
Mystery explained by Joey—we arrive in London—our Dress and Appearance
described—we are insulted in the Street—an Adventure in an Alehouse—we
are imposed upon by a waggish Footman—set to rights by a
Tobacconist—take Lodgings—dive for a Dinner—an Accident at our Ordinary


We arrived at our inn, supped, and went to bed; but Strap’s distemper
continuing, he was obliged to rise in the middle of the night, and
taking the candle in his hand, which he had left burning for the
purpose, he went down to the house of office, whence in a short time he
returned in a great hurry, with his hair standing on end, and a look
betokening horror and astonishment. Without speaking a word, he set
down the light and jumped into bed behind me, where he lay and trembled
with great violence. When I asked him what was the matter, he replied,
with a broken accent, “God have mercy on us! I have seen the devil!”
Though my prejudice was not quite so strong as his, I was not a little
alarmed at this exclamation, and much more so when I heard the sound of
bells approaching our chamber, and felt my bedfellow cling close to me,
uttering these words, “Christ have mercy upon us; there he comes!” At
that instance a monstrous overgrown raven entered our chamber, with
bells at his feet, and made directly towards our bed. As this creature
is reckoned in our country a common vehicle for the devil and witches
to play their pranks in, I verily believed we were haunted; and, in a
violent fright, shrank under the bedclothes. This terrible apparition
leaped upon the bed, and after giving us several severe dabs with its
beak through the blankets, hopped away, and vanished. Strap and I
recommended ourselves to the protection of heaven with great devotion,
and, when we no longer heard the noise, ventured to peep up and take
breath. But we had not been long freed from this phantom, when another
appeared, that had well nigh deprived us both of our senses. We
perceived an old man enter the room, with a long white beard that
reached to his middle; there was a certain wild peculiarity in his eyes
and countenance that did not savour of this world; and his dress
consisted of a brown stuff coat, buttoned behind and at the wrists,
with an odd-fashioned cap of the same stuff upon his head. I was so
amazed that I had not power to move my eyes from such a ghastly object,
but lay motionless and saw him come straight up to me: when he reached
the bed, he wrung his hands, and cried, with a voice that did not seem
to belong to a human creature, “Where is Ralph?” I made no reply: upon
which he repeated, in an accent still more preternatural, “Where is
Ralpho?” He had no sooner pronounced these words than I heard the sound
of the bells at a distance; which the apparition, having listened to,
tripped away, and left me almost petrified with fear. It was a good
while before I could recover myself so far as to speak; and, when at
length I turned to Strap, I found him in a fit, which, however, did not
last long. When he came to himself, I asked his opinion of what had
happened; and he assured me that the first must certainly be the soul
of some person damned, which appeared by the chain about his legs (for
his fears had magnified the creature to the bigness of a horse, and the
sound of small morice-bells to the clanking of massy chains). As for
the old man, he took it to be the spirit of somebody murdered long ago
in this place, which had power granted to torment the assassin in the
shape of a raven, and that Ralpho was the name of the said murderer.
Although I had not much faith in this interpretation, I was too much
troubled to enjoy any sleep: and in all my future adventures never
passed a night so ill.

In the morning Strap imparted the whole affair to Joey, who, after an
immoderate fit of laughter, explained the matter, by telling him that
the old man was the landlord’s father, who had been an idiot some
years, and diverted himself with a tame raven, which, it seems, had
hopped away from his apartment in the night, and induced him to follow
it to our chamber, where he had inquired after it under the name of
Ralpho.

Nothing remarkable happened during the remaining part of our journey,
which continued six or seven days longer: at length we entered the
great city, and lodged all night at the inn where the waggon put up.
Next morning all the passengers parted different ways, while my
companion and I sallied out to inquire for the member of parliament, to
whom I had a letter of recommendation from Mr. Crab. As we had
discharged our lodging at the inn, Strap took up our baggage and,
marched behind me in the street with the knapsack on his back, as
usual, so that we made a very whimsical appearance. I had dressed
myself to the greatest advantage; that is, put on a clean ruffled
shirt, and my best thread stockings: my hair (which was of the deepest
red) hung down upon my shoulders, as lank and straight as a pound of
candles; and the skirts of my coat reached to the middle of my leg; my
waistcoat and breeches were of the same piece, and cut in the same
taste; and my hat very much resembled a barber’s basin, in the
shallowness of the crown and narrowness of the brim. Strap was habited
in a much less awkward manner: but a short crop-eared wig, that very
much resembled Scrub’s in the play, and the knapsack on his back, added
to what is called a queer phiz, occasioned by a long chin, a hook nose,
and high cheek bones, rendered him, on the whole, a very fit subject of
mirth and pleasantry. As he walked along, Strap, at my desire, inquired
of a carman, whom we met, whereabouts Mr. Cringer lived: and was
answered by a stare, accompanied with the word “Anan!” Upon which I
came up, in order to explain the question, but had the misfortune to be
unintelligible likewise, the carman damning us for a lousy Scotch
guard, whipping his horses with a “Gee ho!” which nettled me to the
quick, and roused the indignation of Strap so far that, after the
fellow was gone a good way, he told me he would fight him for a
farthing.

While we were deliberating upon what was to be done, a hackney
coachman, driving softly along, and perceiving us standing by the
kennel, came up close to us, and calling, “A coach, master!” by a
dexterous management of the reins made his horses stumble in the wet,
and bedaub us all over with mud. After which exploit he drove on,
applauding himself with a hearty laugh, in which several people joined,
to my great mortification; but one, more compassionate than the rest,
seeing us strangers, advised me to go into an alehouse, and dry myself.
I thanked him for his advice, which I immediately complied with; and,
going into the house he pointed out, called for a pot of beer, and sat
down by a fire in the public room where we cleaned ourselves as well as
we could. In the meantime, a wag, who sat in a box, smoking his pipe,
understanding, by our dialect, that we were from Scotland, came up to
me and, with a grave countenance asked how long I had been caught. As I
did not know the meaning of this question, I made no answer; and he
went on, saying it could not be a great while, for my tail was not yet
cut; at the same time taking hold of my hair, and tipping the wink to
the rest of the company, who seemed highly entertained with his wit. I
was incensed at this usage, but afraid of resenting it, because I
happened to be in a strange place, and perceived the person who spoke
to me was a brawny fellow, for whom I thought myself by no means a
match. However, Strap, having either more courage or less caution,
could not put up with the insults I suffered, but told him in a
peremptory tone, “He was an uncivil fellow for making so free with his
betters.” Then the wit going toward him, asked him what he had got in
his knapsack? “Is it oatmeal or brimstone, Sawney?” said he, seizing
him by the chin, which he shook, to the inexpressible diversion of all
present. My companion, feeling himself assaulted in such an opprobrious
manner, disengaged himself in a trice, and lent his antagonist such a
box on the ear as made him stagger to the other side of the room; and,
in a moment, a ring was formed for the combatants. Seeing Strap
beginning to strip, and my blood being heated with indignation, which
banished all other thoughts, I undressed myself to the skin in an
instant, and declared, that as the affront that occasioned the quarrel
was offered to me, I would fight it out myself; upon which one or two
cried out, “That’s a brave Scotch boy; you shall have fair play.” His
assurance gave me fresh spirits, and, going up to my adversary, who by
his pale countenance did not seem much inclined to the battle, I struck
him so hard on the stomach, that he reeled over a bench, and fell to
the ground. Then I attempted to keep him down, in order to improve my
success, according to the manner of my own country, but was restrained
by the spectators, one of whom endeavoured to raise up my opponent, but
in vain; for he protested he would not fight, for he was not quite
recovered of a late illness. I was very well pleased with this excuse,
and immediately dressed myself, having acquired the good opinion of the
company for my bravery, as well as of my comrade Strap, who shook me by
the hand, and wished me joy of the victory.

After having drunk our pot, and dried our clothes, we inquired of the
landlord if he knew Mr. Cringer, the member of parliament, and were
amazed at his replying in the negative; for we imagined he must be
altogether as conspicuous here as in the borough he represented; but he
told us we might possibly hear of him as we passed along. We betook
ourselves therefore to the street, where seeing a footman standing at
the door, we made up to him, and asked if he knew where our patron
lived? This member of the particoloured fraternity, surveying us both
very minutely, said he knew Mr. Cringer very well, and bade us turn
down the first street on our left, then turn to the right, and then to
the left again, after which perambulation we would observe a lane,
through which we must pass, and at the other end we should find an
alley that leads to another street, where we should see the sign of the
Thistle and Three Pedlars, and there he lodged. We thanked him for his
information, and went forwards, Strap telling me, that he knew this
person to be an honest friendly man by his countenance, before he
opened his mouth; in which opinion I acquiesced, ascribing his good
manners to the company he daily saw in the house where he served.

We followed his directions punctually, in turning to the left, and to
the right, and to the left again; but instead of seeing a lane before
us, found ourselves at the side of the river, a circumstance that
perplexed us not a little; and my fellow-traveller ventured to
pronounce, that we had certainly missed our way. By this time we were
pretty much fatigued with our walk, and not knowing how to proceed, I
went into a small snuff-shop hard by, encouraged by the sign of the
Highlander, where I found, to my inexpressible satisfaction, the
shopkeeper was my countryman. He was no sooner informed of our
peregrination, and the directions we had received from the footman,
than he informed us we had been imposed upon, telling us, Mr. Cringer
lived in the other end of the town and that it would be to no purpose
for us to go thither to-day, for by that time he was gone to the House.
I then asked, if he could recommend us a lodging. He really gave us a
line to one of his acquaintance who kept a chandler’s shop not far from
St. Martin’s Lane; there we hired a bed-room, up two pair of stairs, at
the rate of two shillings per week, so very small, that when the bed
was let down, we were obliged to carry out every other piece of
furniture that belonged to the apartment, and use the bedstead by way
of chairs. About dinner-time, our landlord asked how we proposed to
live? to which interrogation we answered, that we would be directed by
him. “Well, then,” says he, “there are two ways of eating in this town
for people of your condition—the one more creditable and expensive than
the other: the first is to dine at an eating-house frequented by
well-dressed people only; and the other is called diving, practised by
those who are either obliged or inclined to live frugally.” I gave him
to understand that, provided the last was not infamous, it would suit
much better with our circumstances than the other. “Infamous!” cried
he, “not at all; there are many creditable people, rich people, ay, and
fine people, that dive every day. I have seen many a pretty gentleman
with a laced waistcoat dine in that manner very comfortably for three
pence halfpenny, and go afterwards to the coffee-house, where he made a
figure with the best lord in the land; but your own eyes shall bear
witness—I will go along with you to-day and introduce you.”

He accordingly conducted us to a certain lane, where stopping, he bade
us observe him, and do as he did, and, walking a few paces, dived into
a cellar and disappeared in an instant. I followed his example, and
descending very successfully, found myself in the middle of a cook’s
shop, almost suffocated with the steams of boiled beef, and surrounded
by a company of hackney coachmen, chairmen, draymen, and a few footmen
out of place or on board-wages; who sat eating shin of beef, tripe,
cow-heel, or sausages, at separate boards, covered with cloths which
turned my stomach. While I stood in amaze, undetermined whether to sit
down or walk upwards again, Strap, in his descent, missing one of the
stops, tumbled headlong into this infernal ordinary, and overturned the
cook as she carried a porringer of soup to one of the guests. In her
fall, she dashed the whole mess against the legs of a drummer belonging
to the foot-guards, who happened to be in her way, and scalded him so
miserably, that he started up, and danced up and down, uttering a
volley of execrations that made my hair stand on end.

While he entertained the company in this manner, with an eloquence
peculiar to himself, the cook got up, and after a hearty curse on the
poor author of this mischance, who lay under the table with a woful
countenance, emptied a salt-cellar in her hand, and, stripping down the
patient’s stocking, which brought the skin along with it, applied the
contents to the sore. This poultice was scarce laid on, when the
drummer, who had begun to abate of his exclamations, broke forth into
such a hideous yell as made the whole company tremble, then, seizing a
pewter pint pot that stood by him, squeezed the sides of it together,
as if it had been made of pliant leather, grinding his teeth at the
same time with a most horrible grin. Guessing the cause of this violent
transport, I bade the woman wash off the salt, and bathe the part with
oil, which she did, and procured him immediate ease. But here another
difficulty occurred, which was no other than the landlady’s insisting
on his paying for the pot he had rendered useless. He said, he would
pay for nothing but what he had eaten, and bade her be thankful for his
moderation, or else he would prosecute her for damages. Strap,
foreseeing the whole affair would lie at his door, promised to satisfy
the cook, and called for a dram of gin to treat the drummer, which
entirely appeased him, and composed all animosities. After this
accommodation, our landlord and we sat down at a board, and dined upon
shin of beef most deliciously; our reckoning amounting to twopence
halfpenny each, bread and small beer included.




CHAPTER XIV


We visit Strap’s friend—a description of him—his advice—we go to Mr.
Cringer’s house—are denied admittance—an Accident befalls Strap—his
behaviour thereupon—an extraordinary adventure occurs, in the course of
which I lose all my money


In the afternoon my companion proposed to call at his friend’s house,
which, we were informed, was in the neighbourhood, whither we
accordingly went, and were so lucky as to find him at home. This
gentleman, who had come from Scotland three or four years before, kept
a school in town, where he taught the Latin, French, and Italian
languages; but what he chiefly professed was the pronunciation of the
English tongue, after a method more speedy and uncommon than any
practised heretofore, and, indeed, if his scholars spoke like their
master, the latter part of his undertaking was certainly performed to a
tittle: for although I could easily understand every word of what I had
heard hitherto since I entered England, three parts in four of his
dialect were as unintelligible to me as if he had spoken in Arabic or
Irish. He was a middle-sized man, and stooped very much, though not
above the age of forty; his face was frightfully pitted with the
small-pox, and his mouth extended from ear to ear. He was dressed in a
night-gown of plaid, fastened about his middle with a sergeant’s old
sash, and a tie-periwig with a foretop three inches high, in the
fashion of King Charles the Second’s reign.

After he had received Strap, who was related to him, very courteously,
he inquired of him who I was; and being informed, he took me by the
hand, telling me he was at school with my father. When he understood my
situation, he assured me that he would do me all the service in his
power, both by his advice and otherwise, and while he spoke these words
eyed me with great attention, walking round me several times, and
muttering, “Oh, dear! Oh, dear! fat a saight is here!” I soon guessed
the reason of his ejaculation, and said, “I suppose, sir, you are not
pleased with my dress.” “Dress,” answered he, “you may caal it fat you
please in your country, but I vow to Gad ’tis a masquerade here. No
Christian will admit such a figure into his house. Upon my conscience,
I wonder the dogs did not hunt you. Did you pass through St. James’s
market? Bless my eyesaight! you are like a cousin-german of an
ourangoutang.” I began to be a little serious at this discourse, and
asked him, if he thought I should obtain entrance to-morrow at the
house of Mr. Cringer, on whom I chiefly depended for an introduction
into business? “Mr. Cringer, Mr. Cringer,” replied he, scratching his
cheek, “may be a very honest gentleman—I know nothing to the contrary;
but is your sole dependence upon him? Who recommended you to him?” I
pulled out Mr. Crab’s letter, and told him the foundation of my hopes,
at which he stared at me, and repeated “Oh dear! Oh dear!” I began to
conceive bad omens from this behaviour of his, and begged he would
assist me with his advice, which he promised to give very frankly; and
as a specimen, directed us to a periwig warehouse in the neighbourhood,
in order to be accommodated; laying strong injunctions on me not to
appear before Mr. Cringer till I had parted with my carroty locks,
which, he said, were sufficient to beget an antipathy against me in all
mankind. And as we were going to pursue this advice, he called me back
and bade me be sure to deliver my letter into Mr. Cringer’s own hand.

As we walked along, Strap triumphed greatly in our reception with his
friend, who, it seems, had assured him he would in a day or two provide
for him with some good master; “I and now,” says he, “I you will see
how I will fit you with a wig. There’s ne’er a barber in London (and
that’s a bold word) can palm a rotten caul, or a pennyweight of dead
hair, upon me.” And, indeed, this zealous adherent did wrangle so long
with the merchant, that he was desired twenty times to leave the shop,
and see if he could get one cheaper elsewhere. At length I made choice
(if a good handsome bob), for which I paid ten shillings, and returned
to our lodging, where Strap in a moment rid me of that hair which had
given the schoolmaster so much offence.

We got up next day betimes, having been informed that Mr. Cringer gave
audience by candle-light to all his dependents, he himself being
obliged to attend the levee of my Lord Terrier at break of day, because
his lordship made one at the minister’s between eight and nine o’clock.
When we came to Mr. Cringer’s door, Strap, to give me all instance of
his politeness, ran to the knocker, which he employed so loud and so
long, that he alarmed the whole street; and a window opening in the
second story of the next house, a vessel was discharged upon him so
successfully, that the poor barber was wet to the skin, while I, being
luckily at some distance, escaped the unsavoury deluge. In the
meantime, a footman opening the door, and seeing nobody in the street
but us, asked, with a stern countenance, if it was I who made such a
noise, and what I wanted. I told him I had business with his master,
whom I desired to see. Upon which he slapped the door in my face,
telling me I must learn better manners before I could have access to
his master. Vexed at this disappointment, I turned my resentment
against Strap, whom I sharply reprimanded for his presumption; but he,
not in the least regarding what I said, wrung the wet out of his
periwig, and lifting up a large stone, flung it with such force against
the street door of that house from whence he had been bedewed, that the
lock giving way, it flew wide open, and he took to his heels, leaving
me to follow him as I could. Indeed, there was no time for
deliberation; I therefore pursued him with all the speed I could exert,
until we found ourselves about the dawn in a street we did not know.
Here, as we wandered along gaping about, a very decent sort of a man,
passing by me, stopped of a sudden and took up something, which having
examined, he turned and presented to me with these words: “Sir, you
have dropped half-a-crown.” I was not a little surprised at this
instance of honesty, and told him it did not belong to me; but he bade
me recollect, and see if all my money was safe; upon which I pulled out
my purse, for I had bought one since I came to town, and, reckoning my
money in my hand, which was now reduced to five guineas seven shillings
and twopence, assured him I had lost nothing. “Well, then, says he, so
much the better; this is a godsend, and as you two were present when I
picked it up, you are entitled to equal shares with me.” I was
astonished at these words, and looked upon this person to be a prodigy
of integrity, but absolutely refused to take any part of the sum.
“Come, gentlemen,” said he, “you are too modest—I see you are
strangers, but you shall give me leave to treat you with a whet this
cold raw morning.” I would have declined the invitation, but Strap
whispered to me that the gentleman would be affronted, and I complied.
“Where shall we go?” said the stranger; “I am quite ignorant of this
part of the town.” I informed him that we were in the same situation;
upon which he proposed to go into the first public-house we should find
open; and as we walked together, he began in this manner: “I find by
your tongues you are from Scotland, gentlemen; my grandmother by the
father’s side was of your country, and I am so prepossessed in its
favour, that I never meet a Scotchman but my heart warms. The Scots are
very brave people. There is scarce a great family in the kingdom that
cannot boast of some exploits performed by its ancestors many hundred
years ago. There’s your Douglasses, Gordons, Campbells, Hamiltons. We
have no such ancient families here in England. Then you are all very
well educated. I have known a pedlar talk in Greek and Hebrew as well
as if they had been his mother-tongue. And for honesty—I once had a
servant, his name was Gregor Macgregor, I would have trusted him with
untold gold.”

This eulogium of my native country gained my affections so strongly,
that I believe I could have gone to death to serve the author; and
Strap’s eyes swam in tears. At length, as we passed through a dark
narrow lane, we perceived a public-house, which we entered, and found a
man sitting by the fire, smoking a pipe, with a pint of purl before
him. Our new acquaintance asked us if ever we had drunk egg-flip? To
which question we answering in the negative, he assured us of a regale,
and ordered a quart to be prepared, calling for pipes and tobacco at
the same time. We found this composition very palateable, and drank
heartily; the conversation, which was introduced by the gentleman,
turning upon the snares that young inexperienced people are exposed to
in this metropolis. He described a thousand cheats that are daily
practised upon the ignorant and unwary, and warned us of them with so
much good nature and concern, that we blessed the opportunity which
threw us in his way. After we had put the can about for some time, our
new friend began to yawn, telling us he had been up all night with a
sick person; and proposed we should have recourse to some diversion to
keep him awake. “Suppose,” said he, “we should take a hand at whist for
pastime. But let me see: that won’t do, there’s only three of us; and I
cannot play at any other game. The truth is, I seldom or never play,
but out of complaisance, or at such a time as this, when I am in danger
of falling asleep.”

Although I was not much inclined to gaming, I felt no aversion to pass
an hour or two at cards with a friend; and knowing that Strap
understood as much of the matter as I, made no scruple of saying, “I
wish we could find a fourth hand.” While we were in this perplexity the
person whom we found in the house at our entrance, overhearing our
discourse, took the pipe from his mouth very gravely, and accosted us
thus: “Gentlemen, my pipe is out, you see,” shaking the ashes into the
fire, “and rather than you should be balked, I don’t care if I take a
hand with you for a trifle—but remember I won’t play for anything of
consequence.” We accepted his proffer with pleasure. Having cut for
partners, it fell to my lot to play with him against our friend and
Strap, for threepence a game. We were so successful, that in a short
time I was half-a-crown gainer; when the gentleman whom we had met in
the street observing he had no luck to-day, proposed to leave off, or
change partners. By this time I was inflamed with my good fortune and
the expectation of improving it, as I perceived the two strangers
played but indifferently; therefore I voted for giving him his revenge:
and cutting again, Strap and I, to our mutual satisfaction, happened to
be partners. My good fortune attended me still, and in less than an
hour we had got thirty shillings of their money, for as they lost they
grew the keener, and doubled stakes every time. At last the inconstant
goddess began to veer about, and we were very soon stripped of all our
gains, and about forty shillings of our own money. This loss mortified
me extremely, and had a visible effect on the muscles of Strap’s face,
which lengthened apace; but our antagonists perceiving our condition,
kindly permitted us to retrieve our loss, and console ourselves with a
new acquisition. Then my companion wisely suggested it was time to be
gone; upon which the person who had joined us in the house began to
curse the cards, and muttered that we were indebted to fortune only for
what we had got, no part of our success being owing to our good play.
This insinuation nettled me so much that I challenged him to a game at
piquet for a crown: and he was with difficulty persuaded to accept the
invitation. This contest ended in less than an hour to my inexpressible
affliction, who lost every shilling of my own money, Strap absolutely
refusing to supply me with a sixpence.

The gentleman at whose request we had come in, perceiving by my
disconsolate looks the situation of my heart, which well nigh burst
with grief and resentment, when the other stranger got up, and went
away with my money, began in this manner:—“I am truly afflicted at your
bad luck, and would willingly repair it, were it in my power. But what
in the name of goodness could provoke you to tempt your fate so long?
It is always a maxim with gamesters to pursue success as far us it will
go, and to stop whenever fortune shifts about. You are a young man, and
your passions are too impetuous; you must learn to govern them better.
However, there is no experience like that which is bought; you will be
the better for this the longest day you have to live. As for the fellow
who has got your money, I don’t half like him. Did not you see me tip
you the wink to leave off in time?” I answered, “No.” “No,” continued
he; “you was too eager to mind anything but the game. But, harkee,”
said he in a whisper, “are you satisfied of that young man’s honesty?
His looks are a little suspicious—but I may be mistaken; he made a
great many grimaces while he stood behind you, this is a very wicked
town.” I told him I was very well convinced of my comrade’s integrity
and, that the grimaces he mentioned were doubtless owing to his anxiety
of my loss. “Oh ho! if that be the case, I ask his pardon. Landlord,
see what’s to pay.” The reckoning amounted to eighteenpence, which,
having discharged, the gentleman shook us both by the hand, and, saying
he should be very glad to see us again, departed.




CHAPTER XV


Strap moralises—presents his purse to me—we inform our landlord of our
misfortune—he unravels the mystery—I present myself to Cringer—he
recommends and turns me over to Mr. Staytape—I become acquainted with a
fellow dependent, who explains the character of Cringer and
Staytape—and informs me of the method to be pursued at the Navy Office
and Surgeons’ Hall—Strap is employed


In our way to our lodging, after a profound silence on both sides,
Strap, with a hideous groan, observed that we had brought our pigs to a
fine market. To this observation I made no reply, and he went on: “God
send us well out of this place; we have not been in London eight and
forty hours, and I believe we have met with eight and forty thousand
misfortunes. We have been jeered, reproached, buffeted, and at last
stript of our money; and I suppose by and bye we shall be stript of our
skins. Indeed as to the money part of it, that was owing to our own
folly.—Solomon says, ‘Bray a fool in a mortar, and he will never be
wise.’ Ah! God help us, an ounce of prudence is worth a pound of gold.”
This was no time for him to tamper with my disposition, already mad
with my loss, and inflamed with resentment against him for having
refused me a little money to attempt to retrieve it. I therefore turned
towards him with a stern countenance, and asked, who he called fool?
Being altogether unaccustomed to such looks from me, he stood still,
and stared in my face for some time; then, with some confusion,
uttered, “Fool! I called nobody fool but myself; I am sure I am the
greatest fool of the two, for being so much concerned at other people’s
misfortunes; but ‘Nemo omnibus horis sapit’—that’s all, that’s all.”
Upon which a silence ensued, which brought us to our lodging, where I
threw myself upon the bed in an agony of despair, resolved to perish
rather than apply to my companion, or any other body, for relief; but
Strap, who knew my temper, and whose heart bled within him for my
distress, after some pause came to the bedside, and, putting a leathern
purse into my hand, burst into tears, crying, “I know what you think,
but I scorn your thought. There’s all I have in the world, take it, and
I’ll perhaps get more for you before that be done. If not, I’ll beg for
you, steal for you, go through the wide world with you, and stay with
you; for though I be a poor cobbler’s son, I am no scout.” I was so
much touched with the generous passion of this poor creature, that I
could not refrain from weeping also, and we mingled our tears together
for some time. Upon examining the purse, I found in it two half-guineas
and half-a-crown, which I would have returned to him, saying, he knew
better than I how to manage it, but he, absolutely refused my proposal
and told me it was more reasonable and decent that he should depend
upon me, who was a gentleman, than that I should be controlled by him.

After this friendly contest was over, and our minds more at ease, we
informed our landlord of what had happened to us, taking care to
conceal the extremity to which we were reduced. He no sooner heard the
story, than he assured us we had been grievously imposed upon by a
couple of sharpers, who were associates; and that this polite, honest,
friendly, humane person, who had treated us so civilly, was no other
than a rascally money-dropper, who made it his business to decoy
strangers in that manner to one of his own haunts, where an accomplice
or two were always waiting to assist in pillaging the prey he had run
down. Here the good man recounted a great many stories of people who
has been seduced, cheated, pilfered, beat—nay, even murdered by such
villains. I was confounded at the artifice and wickedness of mankind;
and Strap, lifting up his eyes and hands to heaven, prayed that God
would deliver him from such scenes of iniquity, for surely the devil
had set up his throne in London. Our landlord being curious to know
what reception we had met with at Mr. Cringer’s, we acquainted him with
the particulars, at which he shook his head, and told us we had not
gone the right way to work; that there was nothing to be done with a
member of parliament without a bribe; that the servant was commonly
infected with the master’s disease, and expected to be paid for his
work, as well as his betters. He therefore advised me to give the
footman a shilling the next time I should desire admittance to my
patron, or else I should scarce find an opportunity to deliver my
letter. Accordingly, next morning, when the door was opened, I slipped
a shilling into his hand, and told him I had a letter for his master. I
found the good effect of my liberality; for the fellow let me in
immediately, and, taking the letter out of my hand, desired me to wait
in a kind of passage for an answer. In this place I continued standing
for three-quarters-of-an-hour, during which time I saw a great many
young fellows whom I formerly knew in Scotland pass and repass, with an
air of familiarity, in their way to and from the audience-chamber;
while I was fain to stand shivering in the cold, and turn my back to
them that they might not perceive the lowness of my condition. At
length, Mr. Cringer came out to see a young gentleman to the door, who
was no other than Squire Gawky, dressed in a very gay suit of clothes;
at parting Mr. Cringer shook him by the hand and told him he hoped to
have the pleasure of his company at dinner. Then turning about towards
me, asked what were my commands? When he understood I was the person
who had brought the letter from Mr. Crab, he affected to recollect my
name, which, however, he pretended he could not do till he had
consulted the letter again; to save him the trouble, I told him my name
was Random. Upon which he went on, “Ay, ay, Random, Random, Random—I
think I remember the name:” and very well he might, for this very
individual, Mr. Cringer, had many a time rode before my grandfather’s
cloak-bag, in quality of a footman. “Well,” says he, “you propose to go
on board a man-of-war as surgeon’s mate.” I replied by a low bow. “I
believe it will be a difficult matter,” continued he, “to procure a
warrant, there being already such a swarm of Scotch surgeons at the
Navy Office, in expectation of the next vacancy, that the commissioners
are afraid of being torn to pieces, and have actually applied for a
guard to protect them. However, some ships will soon be put in
commission, and then we shall see what’s to be done.” So saying, he
left me, exceedingly mortified at the different reception Mr. Gawky and
I had met with from this upstart, proud, mean member, who, I imagined,
would have been glad of an opportunity to be grateful for the
obligations he owed to my family.

At my return, I was surprised with the agreeable news of Strap’s being
employed, on the recommendation of his friend, the schoolmaster, by a
periwig-maker in the neighbourhood, who allowed him five shillings per
week besides bed and board. I continued to dance attendance every other
morning at the levee of Mr. Cringer, during a fortnight; in which time
I became acquainted with a young fellow of my own country and
profession, who also depended on the member’s interest, but was treated
with much more respect than I, both by the servants and master, and
often admitted into a parlour, where there was a fire for the
convenience of the better sort of those who waited for him. Thither I
was never permitted to penetrate, on account of my appearance, which
was not at all fashionable; but was obliged to stand blowing my fingers
in a cold lobby, and take the first opportunity of Mr. Cringer’s going
to the door to speak with him.

One day, while I enjoyed this occasion a person was introduced, whom
Mr. Cringer no sooner saw, than, running towards him, he saluted him
with a low bow to the very ground, and afterwards shaking him by the
hand with great heartiness and familiarity, called him his good friend,
and asked very kindly after Mrs. Staytape and the young ladies; then,
after a whisper, which continued some minutes, wherein I overheard the
word ‘honour’ repeated several times with great emphasis, Mr. Cringer
introduced me to this gentleman, as to a person whose advice and
assistance I might depend upon; and having given me his direction,
followed me to the door, where he told me I need not give myself the
trouble to call at his house any more, for Mr. Staytape would do my
business. At that instant my fellow-dependent, coming out after me,
overheard the discourse of Mr. Cringer, and, making up to me in the
street, accosted me very civilly: this address I looked upon as no
small honour, considering the figure he made, for he was dressed in a
blue frock with a button, a green silk waistcoat, trimmed with gold,
black velvet breeches, white silk stockings, silver buckles, a
gold-laced hat, a spencer-wig, and a silver-hilted hanger, with a fine
clouded can in his hand. “I perceive,” says he, “you are but lately
come from Scotland; pray what may your business with Mr. Cringer be? I
suppose it is no secret and I may possibly give you some advice that
will be serviceable, for I have been surgeon’s second mate on board of
a seventy-gun ship, and consequently know a good deal of the world.”

I made no scruple to disclose my situation, which, when he had learned,
he shook his head, and told me he had been pretty much, in the same
circumstances about a year ago: that he had relied on Cringer’s
promises, until his money (which was considerable) as well as his
credit, was quite exhausted; and when he wrote to his relations for a
fresh supply, instead of money he received nothing but reproaches, and
the epithets of idle, debauched fellow. That after he had waited at the
Navy Office many months for a warrant to no purpose, he was fain to
pawn some of his clothes, which raised a small sum wherewith he bribed
the secretary, who soon procured a warrant for him, notwithstanding he
had affirmed the same day, that there was not one vacancy. That he had
gone on board, where he remained nine months, at the end of which the
ship was put out of commission, and he said the company were to be paid
off in Broad Street the very next day. That relations being reconciled
to him, had charged him to pay his devoirs regularly to Mr. Cringer,
who had informed them by letter that his interest alone had procured
the warrant; in obedience to which command he came to his levee every
morning; as I saw, though he looked upon him to be a very pitiful
scoundrel. In conclusion, he asked me if I had yet passed at Surgeons’
Hall? To which question I answered, I did not so much as know it was
necessary. “Necessary:” cried he, “Oh then I find I must instruct you:
come along with me, and I’ll give you information about that matter.”
So saying, he carried me into an ale-house, where I called for some
beer, and bread and cheese, on which we breakfasted. While we sat in
this place, he told me I must first go to the Navy Office, and write to
the Board, desiring them to order a letter for me to Surgeon’s Hall,
that I might be examined, touching my skill in surgery. That the
surgeons, after having examined me, would give me my qualification
sealed up in form of a letter directed to the commissioners, which
qualification I must deliver to the secretary of the Board, who would
open it in my presence, and read the contents; after which I must
employ my interest to be provided for as soon as possible. That the
expense of his qualification for second mate of a third-rate, amounted
to thirteen shillings, exclusive of the warrant, which cost him
half-a-guinea and half-a-crown, besides a present to the secretary,
which consisted of a three-pound twelve piece. This calculation was
like a thunderbolt to me, whose whole fortune did not amount to twelve
shillings. I accordingly made him acquainted with this part of my
distress, after having thanked him for his information and advice. He
condoled me on this occasion; but bade me be of good cheer, for he had
conceived a friendship for me, and would make all things easy. He was
ran out at present, but to-morrow or next day, he was certain of
receiving a considerable sum; of which he would lend me what would be
sufficient to answer my exigencies. This frank declaration pleased me
so much, that I pulled out my purse, and emptied it before him, begging
him to take what he pleased for pocket-expense, until he should receive
his own money. With a good deal of pressing, he was prevailed upon to
take five shillings telling me that he might have what money he wanted
at any time for the trouble of going into the city; but as he had met
with me, he would defer his going thither till tomorrow, when I should
go along with him, and he would put me in the way of acting for myself,
without a servile dependence on that rascal Cringer, much less on the
tailor to whom he heard him

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