← catalogue

The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett · English · Gutenberg #4084 · 1,875,254 chars · public domain (US)

The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle
    
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online
at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States,
you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located
before using this eBook.

Title: The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

Author: T. Smollett


        
Release date: May 1, 2003 [eBook #4084]
                Most recently updated: February 27, 2018

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/4084

Credits: Produced by Tapio Riikonen, and David Widger


*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE ***




Produced by Tapio Riikonen





THE ADVENTURES OF PEREGRINE PICKLE

In which are included Memoirs of a Lady of Quality


By Tobias Smollett



VOLUME I.



CHAPTER I.



An Account of Mr. Gamaliel Pickle--The Disposition of his Sister
described--He yields to her Solicitations, and returns to the Country.


In a certain county of England, bounded on one side by the sea, and at
the distance of one hundred miles from the metropolis, lived Gamaliel
Pickle, esq.; the father of that hero whose fortunes we propose to
record. He was the son of a merchant in London, who, like Rome, from
small beginnings had raised himself to the highest honours of the city,
and acquired a plentiful fortune, though, to his infinite regret, he
died before it amounted to a plum, conjuring his son, as he respected
the last injunction of a parent, to imitate his industry, and adhere to
his maxims, until he should have made up the deficiency, which was a sum
considerably less than fifteen thousand pounds.

This pathetic remonstrance had the desired effect upon his
representative, who spared no pains to fulfil the request of the
deceased: but exerted all the capacity with which nature had endowed
him, in a series of efforts, which, however, did not succeed; for by the
time he had been fifteen years in trade, he found himself five thousand
pounds worse than he was when he first took possession of his father's
effects; a circumstance that affected him so nearly, as to detach his
inclinations from business, and induce him to retire from the world to
some place where he might at leisure deplore his misfortunes, and, by
frugality, secure himself from want, and the apprehensions of a jail,
with which his imagination was incessantly haunted. He was often heard
to express his fears of coming upon the parish; and to bless God, that,
on account of his having been so long a housekeeper, he was entitled
to that provision. In short, his talents were not naturally active, and
there was a sort of inconsistency in his character; for, with all the
desire of amassing which any citizen could possibly entertain, he was
encumbered by a certain indolence and sluggishness that prevailed over
every interested consideration, and even hindered him from profiting by
that singleness of apprehension, and moderation of appetites, which have
so frequently conduced to the acquisition of immense fortunes;
qualities which he possessed in a very remarkable degree. Nature, in all
probability, had mixed little or nothing inflammable in his composition;
or, whatever seeds of excess she might have sown within him, were
effectually stifled and destroyed by the austerity of his education.

The sallies of his youth, far from being inordinate or criminal, never
exceeded the bounds of that decent jollity which an extraordinary pot,
on extraordinary occasions, may be supposed to have produced in a club
of sedate book-keepers, whose imaginations were neither very warm nor
luxuriant. Little subject to refined sensations, he was scarce ever
disturbed with violent emotions of any kind. The passion of love never
interrupted his tranquility; and if, as Mr. Creech says, after Horace,

    Not to admire is all the art I know;
    To make men happy, and to keep them so;

Mr. Pickle was undoubtedly possessed of that invaluable secret; at
least, he was never known to betray the faintest symptom of transport,
except one evening at the club, where he observed, with some
demonstrations of vivacity, that he had dined upon a delicate loin of
veal.

Notwithstanding this appearance of phlegm, he could not help feeling his
disappointments in trade; and upon the failure of a certain underwriter,
by which he lost five hundred pounds, declared his design of
relinquishing business, and retiring to the country. In this resolution
he was comforted and encouraged by his only sister, Mrs. Grizzle, who
had managed his family since the death of his father, and was now in
the thirtieth year of her maidenhood, with a fortune of five thousand
pounds, and a large stock of economy and devotion.

These qualifications, one would think, might have been the means of
abridging the term of her celibacy, as she never expressed any aversion
to wedlock; but, it seems, she was too delicate in her choice, to find
a mate to her inclination in the city: for I cannot suppose that she
remained so long unsolicited; though the charms of her person were
not altogether enchanting, nor her manner over and above agreeable.
Exclusive of a very wan (not to call it sallow) complexion, which,
perhaps, was the effects of her virginity and mortification, she had
a cast in her eyes that was not at all engaging; and such an extent of
mouth, as no art or affectation could contract into any proportionable
dimension; then her piety was rather peevish than resigned, and did
not in the least diminish a certain stateliness in her demeanour and
conversation, that delighted in communicating the importance and honour
of her family, which, by the bye, was not to be traced two generations
back by all the power of heraldry or tradition.

She seemed to have renounced all the ideas she had acquired before her
father served the office of sheriff; and the eye which regulated the
dates of all her observation, was the mayoralty of her papa. Nay, so
solicitous was this good lady for the support and propagation of the
family name, that, suppressing every selfish motive, she actually
prevailed upon her brother to combat with his own disposition, and
even surmount it so far, as to declare a passion for the person whom he
afterwards wedded, as we shall see in the sequel. Indeed, she was the
spur that instigated him in all his extraordinary undertakings; and I
question, whether he would or not have been able to disengage himself
from that course of life in which he had so long mechanically moved,
unless he had been roused and actuated by her incessant exhortations.
London, she observed, was a receptacle of iniquity, where an honest,
unsuspecting man was every day in danger of falling a sacrifice to
craft; where innocence was exposed to continual temptations, and virtue
eternally persecuted by malice and slander; where everything was ruled
by caprice and corruption, and merit utterly discouraged and despised.
This last imputation she pronounced with such emphasis and chagrin, as
plainly denoted how far she considered herself as an example of what she
advanced; and really the charge was justified by the constructions that
were put upon her retreat by her female friends, who, far from imputing
it to the laudable motives that induced her, insinuated, in sarcastic
commendations, that she had good reason to be dissatisfied with a place
where she had been so overlooked; and that it was certainly her
wisest course to make her last effort in the country, where, in all
probability, her talents would be less eclipsed, and her fortune more
attractive.

Be this as it will, her admonitions, though they were powerful enough to
convince, would have been insufficient to overcome the languor and
vis inertiae of her brother, had she not reinforced her arguments, by
calling in question the credit of two or three merchants, with whom he
was embarked in trade.

Alarmed at these hints of intelligence, he exerted himself effectually;
he withdrew his money from trade, and laying it out in Bank-stock, and
India-bonds, removed to a house in the country, which his father had
built near the sea-side, for the convenience of carrying on a certain
branch of traffic in which he had been deeply concerned.

Here then Mr. Pickle fixed his habitation for life, in the
six-and-thirtieth year of his age; and though the pangs he felt at
parting with his intimate companions, and quitting all his former
connections, were not quite so keen as to produce any dangerous disorder
in his constitution, he did not fail to be extremely disconcerted at his
first entrance into a scene of life to which he was totally a stranger.
Not but that he met with abundance of people in the country, who, in
consideration of his fortune, courted his acquaintance, and breathed
nothing but friendship and hospitality; yet, even the trouble of
receiving and returning these civilities was an intolerable fatigue to
a man of his habits and disposition. He therefore left the care of
the ceremonial to his sister, who indulged herself in all the pride of
formality; while he himself, having made a discovery of a public-house
in the neighbourhood, went thither every evening and enjoyed his pipe
and can; being very well satisfied with the behaviour of the landlord,
whose communicative temper was a great comfort to his own taciturnity;
for he shunned all superfluity of speech, as much as he avoided any
other unnecessary expense.



CHAPTER II.


He is made acquainted with the Characters of Commodore Trunnion and his
Adherents--Meets with them by Accident, and contracts an Intimacy with
that Commander.


This loquacious publican soon gave him sketches of all the characters
in the county; and, among others, described that of his next neighbour,
Commodore Trunnion, which was altogether singular and odd. “The
commodore and your worship,” said he, “will in a short time be hand and
glove, he has a power of money, and spends it like a prince--that is, in
his own way--for to be sure he is a little humorsome, as the saying is,
and swears woundily; though I'll be sworn he means no more harm than a
sucking babe. Lord help us! it will do your honour's heart good to hear
him tell a story, as how he lay alongside of the French, yard-arm and
yard-arm, board and board, and of heaving grapplings, and stink-pots,
and grapes, and round and double-headed partridges, crows and carters.
Lord have mercy upon us! he has been a great warrior in his time, and
lost an eye and a heel in the service. Then he does not live like any
other Christian land-man; but keeps garrison in his house, as if he
were in the midst of his enemies, and makes his servants turn out in
the night, watch and watch as he calls it, all the year round. His
habitation is defended by a ditch, over which he has laid a draw-bridge,
and planted his court-yard with patereroes continually loaded with shot,
under the direction of one Mr. Hatchway, who had one of his legs shot
away while he acted as lieutenant on board the commodore's ship; and
now, being on half-pay, lives with him as his companion. The lieutenant
is a very brave man, a great joker, and, as the saying is, hath got the
length of his commander's foot--though he has another favourite in the
house called Tom Pipes, that was his boatswain's mate, and now keeps the
servants in order. Tom is a man of few words, but an excellent hand at
a song concerning the boatswain's whistle, hustle-cap, and
chuck-farthing--there is not such another pipe in the county--so that
the commodore lives very happy in his own manner; though he be sometimes
thrown into perilous passions and quandaries, by the application of his
poor kinsmen, whom he can't abide, because as how some of them were the
first occasion of his going to sea. Then he sweats with agony at the
sight of an attorney, just, for all the world, as some people have an
antipathy to a cat: for it seems he was once at law, for striking one of
his officers, and cast in a swinging sum. He is, moreover, exceedingly
afflicted with goblins that disturb his rest, and keep such a racket in
his house, that you would think (God bless us!) all the devils in hell
had broke loose upon him. It was no longer ago than last year about
this time, that he was tormented the livelong night by the mischievous
spirits that got into his chamber, and played a thousand pranks about
his hammock, for there is not one bed within his walls. Well, sir,
he rang his bell, called up all his servants, got lights, and made
a thorough search; but the devil a goblin was to be found. He had no
sooner turned in again, and the rest of the family gone to sleep, than
the foul fiends began their game anew. The commodore got up in the
dark, drew his cutlass, and attacked them both so manfully, that in
five minutes everything in the apartment went to pieces, The lieutenant,
hearing the noise, came to his assistance. Tom Pipes, being told what
was the matter, lighted his match, and going down to the yard, fired all
the patereroes as signals of distress. Well, to be sure the whole parish
was in a pucker: some thought the French had landed; others imagined the
commodore's house was beset by thieves; for my own part, I called up two
dragoons that are quartered upon me, and they swore, with deadly oaths,
it was a gang of smugglers engaged with a party of their regiment that
lies in the next village; and mounting their horses like lusty fellows,
rode up into the country as fast as their beasts could carry them. Ah,
master! These are hard times, when an industrious body cannot earn his
bread without fear of the gallows. Your worship's father (God rest his
soul!) was a good gentleman, and as well respected in this parish as
e'er a he that walks upon neat's leather; and if your honour should want
a small parcel of fine tea, or a few ankers of right Nantes, I'll be
bound you shall be furnished to your heart's content. But, as I was
saying, the hubbub continued till morning, when the parson being sent
for, conjured the spirits into the Red Sea; and the house has been
pretty quiet ever since. True it is, Mr. Hatchway makes a mock of the
whole affair; and told his commander, in this very blessed spot, that
the two goblins were no other than a couple of jackdaws which had fallen
down the chimney, and made a flapping with their wings up and down the
apartment. But the commodore, who is very choleric, and does not like
to be jeered, fell into a main high passion, and stormed like a perfect
hurricane, swearing that he knew a devil from a jackdaw as well as
e'er a man in the three kingdoms. He owned, indeed, that the birds were
found, but denied that they were the occasion of the uproar. For my own
part, master, I believe much may be said on both sides of the question;
though to be sure, the devil is always going about, as the saying is.”

This circumstantial account, extraordinary as it was, never altered one
feature in the countenance of Mr. Pickle, who, having heard it to an
end, took the pipe from his mouth, saying, with a look of infinite
sagacity and deliberation, “I do suppose he is of the Cornish Trunnions.
What sort of a woman is his spouse?” “Spouse!” cried the other;
“odds-heart! I don't think he would marry the queen of Sheba.
Lack-a-day! sir, he won't suffer his own maids to be in the garrison,
but turns them into an out-house every night before the watch is set.
Bless your honour's soul, he is, as it were, a very oddish kind of a
gentleman. Your worship would have seen him before now; for, when he
is well, he and my good master Hatchway come hither every evening, and
drink a couple of cans of rumbo a piece; but he has been confined to
his house this fortnight by a plaguy fit of the gout, which, I'll assure
your worship, is a good penny out of my pocket.”

At that instant, Mr. Pickle's ears were saluted with such a strange
noise, as even discomposed the muscles of his face, which gave immediate
indications of alarm. This composition of notes at first resembled
the crying of quails, and croaking of bull-dogs; but as it approached
nearer, he could distinguish articulate sounds pronounced with great
violence, in such a cadence as one would expect to hear from a human
creature scolding through the organs of an ass; it was neither speaking
nor braying, but a surprising mixture of both, employed in the utterance
of terms absolutely unintelligible to our wondering merchant, who had
just opened his mouth to express his curiosity, when the starting up at
the well-known sound, cried, “Odd's niggers! there is the commodore with
his company, as sure as I live,” and with his apron began to wipe the
dust off an elbow-chair placed at one side of the fire, and kept sacred
for the ease and convenience of this infirm commander. While he was thus
occupied, a voice, still more uncouth than the former, bawled aloud,
“Ho! the house, a-hoy!” Upon which the publican, clapping a hand to each
side of his head with his thumbs fixed to his ears, rebellowed in the
same tone, which he had learned to imitate, “Hilloah.” The voice again
exclaimed, “Have you got any attorneys aboard?” and when the landlord
replied, “No, no,” this man of strange expectation came in, supported by
his two dependents, and displayed a figure every way answerable to
the oddity of his character. He was in stature at least six feet high,
though he had contracted a habit of stooping, by living so long on
board; his complexion was tawny, and his aspect rendered hideous by a
large scar across his nose, and a patch that covered the place of
one eye. Being seated in his chair, with great formality the landlord
complimented him upon his being able to come abroad again; and having in
a whisper communicated the name of his fellow-guest, whom the commodore
already knew by report, went to prepare, with all imaginable despatch,
the first allowance of his favourite liquor, in three separate cans (for
each was accommodated with his own portion apart), while the lieutenant
sat down on the blind side of his commander; and Tom Pipes, knowing his
distance, with great modesty took his station in the rear.

After a pause of some minutes, the conversation was begun by this
ferocious chief, who, fixing his eye upon the lieutenant with a
sternness of countenance not to be described, addressed him in these
words: “D-- my eyes! Hatchway, I always took you to be a better seaman
than to overset our chaise in such fair weather. Blood! didn't I tell
you we were running bump ashore, and bid you set in the ice-brace, and
haul up a wind?”--“Yes,” replied the other, with an arch sneer, “I do
confess as how you did give such orders, after you had run us foul of
a post, so as that the carriage lay along, and could not right
herself.”--“I run you foul of a post!” cried the commander: “d-- my
heart! you're a pretty dog, an't you, to tell me so above-board to my
face? Did I take charge of the chaise? Did I stand at the helm?”--“No,”
 answered Hatchway; “I must confess you did not steer; but, howsomever,
you cunned all the way, and so, as you could not see how the land lay,
being blind of your larboard eye, we were fast ashore before you knew
anything of the matter, Pipes, who stood abaft, can testify the truth of
what I say.”--“D-- my limbs!” resumed the commodore, “I don't value what
you or Pipes say a rope-yarn. You're a couple of mutinous--I'll say no
more; but you shan't run your rig upon me, d-- ye, I am the man that
learnt you, Jack Hatchway, to splice a rope and raise a perpendicular.”

The lieutenant, who was perfectly well acquainted with the trim of his
captain, did not choose to carry on the altercation any further;
but taking up his can, drank to the health of the stranger, who very
courteously returned the compliment, without, however, presuming to join
in the conversation, which suffered a considerable pause. During this
interruption, Mr. Hatchway's wit displayed itself in several practical
jokes upon the commodore, with whom he knew it was dangerous to tamper
in any other way. Being without the sphere of his vision, he securely
pilfered his tobacco, drank his rumbo, made wry faces, and, to use the
vulgar phrase, cocked his eye at him, to the no small entertainment of
the spectators, Mr. Pickle himself not excepted, who gave evident tokens
of uncommon satisfaction at the dexterity of this marine pantomime.

Meanwhile, the captain's choler gradually subsided, and he was pleased
to desire Hatchway, by the familiar and friendly diminutive of Jack,
to read a newspaper that lay on the table before him. This task was
accordingly undertaken by the lame lieutenant, who, among paragraphs,
read that which follows, with an elevation of voice which seemed to
prognosticate something extraordinary: “We are informed, that Admiral
Bower will very soon be created a British peer, for his eminent services
during the war, particularly in his late engagement with the French
fleet.”

Trunnion was thunderstruck at this piece of intelligence: the mug
dropped front his hand, and shivered into a thousand pieces; his eye
glistened like that of a rattle-snake; and some minutes elapsed before
he could pronounce, “Avast! overhaul that article again!”

It was no sooner read the second time, than, smiting the table with his
fist, he started up, and, with the most violent emphasis of rage and
indignation, exclaimed, “D-- my heart and liver! 'tis a land lie, d'ye
see; and I will maintain it to be a lie, from the sprit-sail yard to the
mizen-top-sail haulyards! Blood and thunder! Will. Bower a peer of this
realm! a fellow of yesterday, that scarce knows a mast from a manger!
a snotty-nose boy, whom I myself have ordered to the gun, for stealing
eggs out of the hen-coops! and I, Hawser Trunnion, who commanded a
ship before he could keep a reckoning, am laid aside, d'ye see, and
forgotten! If so be as this be the case, there is a rotten plank in our
constitution, which ought to be hove down and repaired, d-- my eyes! For
my own part, d'ye see, I was none of your Guinea pigs: I did not rise in
the service by parlamenteering interest, or a handsome b-- of a wife.
I was not over the bellies of better men, nor strutted athwart the
quarter-deck in a laced doublet, and thingumbobs at the wrists. D-- my
limbs! I have been a hard-working man, and served all offices on board
from cook's shifter to the command of a vessel. Here, you Tunley,
there's the hand of a seaman, you dog.”

So saying, he laid hold on the landlord's fist, and honoured him with
such a squeeze, as compelled him to roar with great vociferation, to
the infinite satisfaction of the commodore, whose features were a little
unblended by this acknowledgment of his vigour; and he thus proceeded,
in a less outrageous strain: “They make a d--d noise about this
engagement with the French: but, egad! it was no more than a bumboat
battle, in comparison with some that I have seen. There was old Rook and
Jennings, and another whom I'll be d--d before I name, that knew what
fighting was. As for my own share, d'ye see, I am none of those that
hallo in their own commendation: but if so be that I were minded to
stand my own trumpeter, some of those little fellows that hold their
heads so high would be taken all aback, as the saying is: they would
be ashamed to show their colours, d-- my eyes! I once lay eight glasses
alongside of the Flour de Louse, a French man-of-war, though her mettle
was heavier, and her complement larger by a hundred hands than mine.
You, Jack Hatchway, d-- ye, what d'ye grin at! D'ye think I tell a
story, because you never heard it before?”

“Why, look ye, sir,” answered the lieutenant, “I am glad to find you can
stand your own trumpeter on occasion; though I wish you would change the
tune, for that is the same you have been piping every watch for these
ten months past. Tunley himself will tell you he has heard it five
hundred times.”--“God forgive you! Mr. Hatchway,” said the landlord,
interrupting him; “as I am an honest man and a housekeeper, I never
heard a syllable of the matter.”

This declaration, though not strictly true, was extremely agreeable
to Mr. Trunnion, who, with an air of triumph, observed, “Aha! Jack,
I thought I should bring you up, with your gibes and your jokes: but
suppose you had heard it before, is that any reason why it shouldn't
be told to another person? There's the stranger, belike he has heard it
five hundred times too; han't you, brother?” addressing himself to Mr.
Pickle; who replying, with a look expressing curiosity, “No, never;” he
thus went on: “Well, you seem to be an honest, quiet sort of a man;
and therefore you must know, as I said before, I fell in with a French
man-of-war, Cape Finistere bearing about six leagues on the weather bow,
and the chase three leagues to leeward, going before the wind: whereupon
I set my studding sails; and coming up with her, hoisted my jack and
ensign, and poured in a broadside, before you could count three rattlins
in the mizen shrouds; for I always keep a good look-out, and love to
have the first fire.”

“That I'll be sworn,” said Hatchway: “for the day we made the Triumph
you ordered the men to fire when she was hull-to, by the same token we
below pointed the guns at a flight of gulls; and I won a can of punch
from the gunner by killing the first bird.”

Exasperated at this sarcasm, he replied, with great vehemence, “You lie,
lubber! D-- your bones! what business have you to come always athwart
my hawse in this manner? You, Pipes, was upon deck, and can bear witness
whether or not I fired too soon. Speak, you blood of a ----, and that
upon the word of a seaman: how did the chase bear of us when I gave
orders to fire?”

Pipes, who had hitherto sat silent, being thus called upon to give his
evidence, after divers strange gesticulations, opened his mouth like
a gasping cod, and with a cadence like that of the east wind singing
through a cranny, pronounced, “Half a quarter of a league right upon our
lee-beam.”

“Nearer, you porpuss-faced swab,” cried the commodore, “nearer by
twelve fathom: but, howsomever, that's enough to prove the falsehood of
Hatchway's jaw--and so, brother, d'ye see,” turning to Pickle, “I lay
alongside of the Flour de Louse, yard-arm and yard-arm, plying out great
guns and small arms, and heaving in stink-pots, powder-bottles, and
hand-grenades, till our shot was all expended, double-headed, partridge
and grape: then we loaded with iron crows, marlin-spikes, and old nails;
but finding the Frenchman took a good deal of drubbing, and that he had
shot away all our rigging, and killed and wounded a great number of our
men, d'ye see, I resolved to run him on board upon his quarter, and so
ordered our grapplings to be got ready; but monsieur, perceiving what we
were about, filled his topsails and sheered off, leaving us like a log
upon the water, and our scuppers running with blood.”

Mr. Pickle and the landlord paid such extraordinary attention to the
rehearsal of this exploit, that Trunnion was encouraged to entertain
them with more stories of the same nature; after which he observed, by
way of encomium on the government, that all he had gained in the service
was a lame foot and the loss of an eye. The lieutenant, who could not
find in his heart to lose any opportunity of being witty at the expense
of his commander, gave a loose to his satirical talent once more,
saying,--“I have heard as how you came by your lame foot, by having
your upper decks over-stowed with liquor, whereby you became crank, and
rolled, d'ye see, in such a manner, that by a pitch of the ship your
starboard heel was jammed in one of the scuppers; and as for the matter
of your eye, that was knocked out by your own crew when the Lightning
was paid off: there's poor Pipes, who was beaten into all the colours of
the rainbow for taking your part, and giving you time to sheer off; and
I don't find as how you have rewarded him according as he deserves.”

As the commodore could not deny the truth of these anecdotes, however
unseasonably they were introduced, he affected to receive them with good
humour, as jokes of the lieutenant's own inventing; and replied, “Ay,
ay, Jack, everybody knows your tongue is no slander; but, howsomever,
I'll work you to an oil for this, you dog.” So saying, he lifted up one
of his crutches, intending to lay it gently across Mr. Hatchway's pate;
but Jack, with great agility, tilted up his wooden leg, with which he
warded off the blow, to the no small admiration of Mr. Pickle, and utter
astonishment of the landlord, who, by the bye, had expressed the same
amazement, at the same feet, at the same hour, every night, for three
months before. Trunnion then, directing his eye to the boatswain's mate,
“You, Pipes,” said he, “do you go about and tell people that I did not
reward you for standing by me, when I was bustled by these rebellious
rapscallions? D-- you, han't you been rated on the books ever since?”

Tom, who indeed had no words to spare, sat smoking his pipe with
great indifference, and never dreamed of paying any regard to these
interrogations; which being repeated and reinforced with many oaths,
that, however, produced no effect, the commodore pulled out his purse,
saying, “Here, you b-- baby, here's something better than a smart
ticket;” and threw it at his silent deliverer, who received and pocketed
his bounty, without the least demonstration of surprise or satisfaction;
while the donor, turning to Mr. Pickle, “You see, brother,” said he, “I
make good the old saying; we sailors get money like horses, and spend
it like asses: come, Pipes, let's have the boatswain's whistle, and be
jovial.”

This musician accordingly applied to his mouth the silver instrument
that hung at the button-hole of his jacket, by a chain of the same
metal, and though not quite so ravishing as the pipe of Hermes, produced
a sound so loud and shrill, that the stranger, as it were instinctively,
stopped his ears, to preserve his organs of hearing from such a
dangerous invasion. The prelude being thus executed, Pipes fixed his
eyes upon the egg of an ostrich that depended from the ceiling, and
without once moving them from that object, performed the whole cantata
in a tone of voice that seemed to be the joint issue of an Irish bagpipe
and a sow-gelder's horn: the commodore, the lieutenant, and landlord,
joined in the chorus, repeating this elegant stanza:--

    Bustle, bustle, brave boys!
      Let us sing, let us toil,
      And drink all the while,
      Since labour's the price of our joys.


The third line was no sooner pronounced, than the can was lifted to
every man's mouth with admirable uniformity; and the next word taken
up at the end of their draught with a twang equally expressive and
harmonious. In short, the company began to understand one another;
Mr. Pickle seemed to relish the entertainment, and a correspondence
immediately commenced between him and Trunnion, who shook him by the
hand, drank to further acquaintance, and even invited him to a mess
of pork and pease in the garrison. The compliment was returned,
good-fellowship prevailed, and the night was pretty far advanced, when
the merchant's man arrived with a lantern to light his master home; upon
which, the new friends parted, after a mutual promise of meeting next
evening in the same place.



CHAPTER III.



Mrs. Grizzle exerts herself in finding a proper Match for her Brother;
who is accordingly introduced to the young Lady, whom he marries in due
Season.


I have been the more circumstantial in opening the character of
Trunnion, because he bears a considerable share in the course of these
memoirs; but now it is high time to resume the consideration of Mrs.
Grizzle, who, since her arrival in the country, had been engrossed by a
double care, namely, that of finding a suitable match for her brother,
and a comfortable yoke-fellow for herself.

Neither was this aim the result of any sinister or frail aggression, but
the pure dictates of that laudable ambition, which prompted her to the
preservation of the family name. Nay, so disinterested was she in this
pursuit, that, postponing her nearest concern, or at least leaving her
own fate to the silent operation of her charms, she laboured with such
indefatigable zeal in behalf of her brother, that before they had been
three months settled in the country, the general topic of conversation
in the neighbourhood was an intended match between the rich Mr. Pickle
and the fair Miss Appleby, daughter of a gentleman who lived in the
next parish, and who though he had but little fortune to bestow upon his
children, had, to use his own phrase, replenished their veins with some
of the best blood in the country.

This young lady, whose character and disposition Mrs. Grizzle had
investigated to her own satisfaction, was destined for the spouse of
Mr. Pickle; and an overture accordingly made to her father, who, being
overjoyed at the proposal, gave his consent without hesitation, and even
recommended the immediate execution of the project with such eagerness,
as seemed to indicate either a suspicion of Mr. Pickle's constancy, or
a diffidence of his own daughter's complexion, which perhaps he thought
too sanguine to keep much longer cool. The previous point being thus
settled, our merchant, at the instigation of Mrs. Grizzle, went to visit
his future father-in-law, and was introduced to the daughter, with whom
he had, that same afternoon, an opportunity of being alone. What passed
in that interview I never could learn, though from the character of the
suitor, the reader may justly conclude that she was not much teased
with the impertinence of his addresses. He was not, I believe, the less
welcome for that reason: certain it is she made no objection to his
taciturnity; and when her father communicated his resolution, acquiesced
with the most pious resignation. But Mrs. Grizzle, in order to give
the lady a more favourable idea of his intellects than his conversation
could possibly inspire, resolved to dictate a letter, which her brother
should transcribe and transmit to his mistress as the produce of his own
understanding, and had actually composed a very tender billet for
this purpose; yet her intention was entirely frustrated by the
misapprehension of the lover himself, who, in consequence of his
sister's repeated admonitions, anticipated her scheme, by writing, for
himself, and despatching the letter one afternoon, while Mrs. Grizzle
was visiting at the parson's.

Neither was this step the effect of his vanity or precipitation; but
having been often assured by his sister that it was absolutely necessary
for him to make a declaration of his love in writing, he took
this opportunity of acting in conformity with her advice, when his
imagination was unengaged or undisturbed by any other suggestion,
without suspecting in the least that she intended to save him the
trouble of exercising his own genius. Left, therefore, as he imagined,
to his own inventions, he sat down, and produced the following morceau,
which was transmitted to Miss Appleby, before his sister and counsellor
had the least intimation of the affair:--

                    “Miss Sally Appleby.

    “Madam,--Understanding you have a parcel of heart, warranted
    sound, to be disposed of, shall be pleased to treat for said
    commodity, on reasonable terms; doubt not, shall agree for
    same; shall wait on you for further information, when and where
    you shall appoint. This the needful from--Yours, etc.

                                    “Gam. Pickle.”

This laconic epistle, simple and unadorned as it was, met with as
cordial a reception from the person to whom it was addressed, as if it
had been couched in the most elegant terms that delicacy of passion and
cultivated genius could supply; nay, I believe, was the more welcome on
account of its mercantile plainness; because when an advantageous match
is in view, a sensible woman often considers the flowery professions and
rapturous exclamations of love as ensnaring ambiguities, or, at best,
impertinent preliminaries, that retard the treaty they are designed to
promote; whereas Mr. Pickle removed all disagreeable uncertainty, by
descending at once to the most interesting particular.

She had no sooner, as a dutiful child, communicated this billet-doux to
her father, than he, as a careful parent, visited Mr. Pickle, and,
in presence of Mrs. Grizzle, demanded a formal explanation of his
sentiments with regard to his daughter Sally. Mr. Gamaliel, without any
ceremony, assured him he had a respect for the young woman, and, with
his good leave, would take her for better, for worse. Mr. Appleby, after
having expressed his satisfaction that he had fixed his affections
in his family, comforted the lover with the assurance of his being
agreeable to the young lady; and they forthwith proceeded to the
articles of the marriage-settlement, which being discussed and
determined, a lawyer was ordered to engross them; the wedding-clothes
were bought, and, in short, a day was appointed for the celebration of
their nuptials, to which everybody of any fashion in the neighbourhood
was invited. Among these, commodore Trunnion and Mr. Hatchway were not
forgotten, being the sole companions of the bridegroom, with whom, by
this time, they had contracted a sort of intimacy at their nocturnal
rendezvous.

They had received a previous intimation of what was on the anvil, from
the landlord, before Mr. Pickle thought proper to declare himself; in
consequence of which, the topic of the one-eyed commander's discourse,
at their meeting, for several evenings before, had been the folly and
plague of matrimony, on which he held forth with great vehemence of
abuse, leveled at the fair sex, whom he represented as devils incarnate,
sent from hell to torment mankind; and in particular inveighed against
old maids, for whom he seemed to entertain a singular aversion;
while his friend Jack confirmed the truth of all his allegations, and
gratified his own malignant vein at the same time by clenching every
sentence with a sly joke upon the married state, built upon some
allusion to a ship or sea-faring life. He compared a woman to a great
gun loaded with fire, brimstone, and noise, which, being violently
heated, will bounce and fly, and play the devil, if you don't take
special care of her breechings. He said she was like a hurricane that
never blows from one quarter, but veers about to all points of the
compass. He likened her to a painted galley, curiously rigged, with
a leak in her hold, which her husband would never be able to stop. He
observed that her inclinations were like the Bay of Biscay; for why?
because you may heave your deep sea lead long enough without ever
reaching the bottom; that he who comes to anchor on a wife may find
himself moored in d--d foul ground, and after all, can't for his blood
slip his cable; and that, for his own part, though he might make short
trips for pastime, he would never embark in woman on the voyage of life,
he was afraid of foundering in the first foul weather.

In all probability, these insinuations made some impression on the mind
of Mr. Pickle, who was not very much inclined to run great risks of any
kind; but the injunctions and importunities of his sister, who was bent
upon the match, overbalanced the opinion of his sea friends, who finding
him determined to marry, notwithstanding all the hints of caution they
had thrown out, resolved to accept his invitation, and honoured his
nuptials with their presence accordingly.



CHAPTER IV.



The Behaviour of Mrs. Grizzle at the Wedding, with an Account of the
Guests.


I hope it will not be thought uncharitable, if I advance, by way of
conjecture, that Mrs. Grizzle, on this grand occasion, summoned her
whole exertion to play off the artillery of her charms on the single
gentlemen who were invited to the entertainment; sure I am, she
displayed to the best advantage all the engaging qualities she
possessed; her affability at dinner was altogether uncommon, her
attention to the guests was superfluously hospitable, her tongue was
sheathed with a most agreeable and infantine lisp, her address was
perfectly obliging, and though conscious of the extraordinary capacity
of her month, she would not venture to hazard a laugh, she modelled her
lips into an enchanting simper, which played on her countenance all
day long; nay, she even profited by that defect in her vision we have
already observed, and securely contemplated those features which were
most to her liking, while the rest of the company believed her regards
were disposed in a quite contrary direction. With what humility of
complaisance did she receive the compliments of those who could not help
praising the elegance of the banquet; and how piously did she seize that
opportunity of commemorating the honours of her sire, by observing that
it was no merit in her to understand something of entertainments, as she
had occasion to preside at so many, during the mayoralty of her papa!

Far from discovering the least symptom of pride and exultation when the
opulence of her family became the subject of conversation, she assumed
a severity of countenance; and, after having moralized on the vanity
of riches, declared that those who looked on her as a fortune were very
much mistaken; for her father had left her no more than a poor five
thousand pounds, which, with what little she had saved of the interest
since his death, was all she had to depend on: indeed, if she had placed
her chief felicity in wealth, she should not have been so forward in
destroying her own expectations, by advising and promoting the event
at which they were now so happily assembled; but she hoped she should
always have virtue enough to postpone any interested consideration, when
it should happen to clash with the happiness of her friends. Finally,
such was her modesty and self-denial that she industriously informed
those whom it might concern, that she was no less than three years older
than the bride; though had she added ten to the reckoning, she would
have committed no mistake in point of computation.

To contribute as much as lay in her power to the satisfaction of
all present, she in the afternoon regaled them with a tune on the
harpsichord, accompanied with her voice, which, though not the most
melodious in the world, I dare say, would have been equally at their
service could she have vied with Philomel in song; and as the last
effort of her complaisance, when dancing was proposed, she was prevailed
on, at the request of her new sister, to open the ball in person.

In a word, Mrs. Grizzle was the principal figure in this festival,
and almost eclipsed the bride; who, far from seeming to dispute the
pre-eminence, very wisely allowed her to make the best of her talents;
contenting herself with the lot to which fortune had already called
her and which she imagined would not be the less desirable if her
sister-in-law were detached from the family.

I believe I need scarce advertise the reader that, during this whole
entertainment, the commodore and his lieutenant were quite out of their
element; and this, indeed, was the case with the bridegroom himself,
who being utterly unacquainted with any sort of polite commerce, found
himself under a very disagreeable restraint during the whole scene.

Trunnion, who had scarce ever been on shore till he was paid off, and
never once in his whole life in the company of any females above the
rank of those who herd on the Point at Portsmouth, was more embarrassed
about his behaviour than if he had been surrounded at sea by the whole
French navy. He had never pronounced the word “madam” since he was born;
so that, far from entering into conversation with the ladies, he would
not even return the compliment, or give the least note of civility
when they drank to his health, and, I verily believe, would rather have
suffered suffocation than allowed the simple phrase--“your servant,” to
proceed from his mouth. He was altogether as inflexible with respect to
the attitudes of his body; for, either through obstinacy or bashfulness,
he sat upright without motion, insomuch that he provoked the mirth of
a certain wag, who, addressing himself to the lieutenant, asked whether
that was the commodore himself, or the wooden lion that used to stand at
his gate?--an image, to which, it must be owned, Mr. Trunnion's person
bore no faint resemblance.

Mr. Hatchway, who was not quite so unpolished as the commodore, and had
certain notions that seemed to approach the ideas of common life, made
a less uncouth appearance; but then he was a wit, and though of a very
peculiar genius, partook largely of that disposition which is common to
all wits, who never enjoy themselves except when their talents meet with
those marks of distinction and veneration, which, in their own opinion,
they deserve.

These circumstances being premised, it is not to be wondered at, if this
triumvirate made no objections to the proposal, when some of the graver
personages of the company made a motion for adjourning into another
apartment, where they might enjoy their pipes and bottles, while
the young folks indulged themselves in the continuance of their
own favourite diversion. Thus rescued, as it were, from a state of
annihilation, the first use the two lads of the castle made of their
existence, was to ply the bridegroom so hard with bumpers, that in less
than an hour he made divers efforts to sing, and soon after was carried
to bed, deprived of all manner of sensation, to the utter disappointment
of the bridemen and maids, who, by this accident, were prevented from
throwing the stocking, and performing certain other ceremonies practised
on such occasions. As for the bride, she bore this misfortune with
great good humour, and indeed, on all occasions, behaved like a discreet
woman, perfectly well acquainted with the nature of her own situation.



CHAPTER V.



Mrs. Pickle assumes the Reins of Government in her own Family--Her
Sister-in-law undertakes an Enterprise of great Moment, but is for some
time diverted from her Purpose by a very interesting Consideration.


Whatever deference, not to say submission, she had paid to Mrs. Grizzle
before she nearly allied to her family, she no sooner became Mrs.
Pickle, than she thought it encumbent on her to act up to the dignity of
the character; and, the very day after the marriage, ventured to dispute
with her sister-in-law on the subject of her own pedigree, which she
affirmed to be more honourable in all respects than that of her husband;
observing that several younger brothers of her house had arrived at
the station of lord-mayor of London, which was the highest pitch of
greatness that any of Mr. Pickle's predecessors had ever attained.

This presumption was like a thunderbolt to Mrs. Grizzle, who began to
perceive that she had not succeeded quite so well as she imagined, in
selecting for her brother a gentle and obedient yoke-fellow, who would
always treat her with that profound respect which she thought due to her
superior genius, and be entirely regulated by her advice and direction:
however, she still continued to manage the reins of government in the
house, reprehending the servants as usual; an office she performed with
great capacity, and in which she seemed to take singular delight, until
Mrs. Pickle, on pretence of consulting her ease, told her one day
she would take that trouble on herself, and for the future assume the
management of her own family. Nothing could be more mortifying to Mrs.
Grizzle than such a declaration; to which, after a considerable pause,
and strange distortion of look, she replied: “I shall never refuse
or repine at any trouble that may conduce to my brother's
advantage.”--“Dear madam,” answered the sister, “I am infinitely obliged
for your kind concern for Mr. Pickle's interest, which I consider as my
own, but I cannot bear to see you a sufferer by your friendship; and,
therefore, insist on exempting you from the fatigue you have borne so
long.”

In vain did the other protest that she took pleasure in the task:
Mrs. Pickle ascribed the assurance to her excess of complaisance; and
expressed such tenderness of zeal for her dear sister's health and
tranquility, that the reluctant maiden found herself obliged to resign
her authority, without enjoying the least pretext for complaining of her
being deposed.

This disgrace was attended by a fit of peevish devotion that lasted
three or four weeks; during which period she had the additional chagrin
of seeing the young lady gain an absolute ascendency over the mind of
her brother, who was persuaded to set up a gay equipage, and improve
his housekeeping, by an augmentation in his expense, to the amount of
a thousand a year at least: though his alteration in the economy of his
household effected no change in his own disposition, or manner of life;
for as soon as the painful ceremony of receiving and returning visits
was performed, he had recourse to the company of his sea friends, with
whom he spent the best part of his time. But if he was satisfied with
his condition, the case was otherwise with Mrs. Grizzle, who, finding
her importance in the family greatly diminished, her attractions
neglected by all the male sex in the neighbourhood, and the withering
hand of time hang threatening over her head, began to feel the horror of
eternal virginity, and, in a sort of desperation, resolved at any rate
to rescue herself from that reproachful and uncomfortable situation.

Thus determined, she formed a plan, the execution of which to a
spirit less enterprising and sufficient than hers, would have appeared
altogether impracticable: this was no other than to make a conquest of
the commodore's heart, which the reader will easily believe was not very
susceptible of tender impressions; but, on the contrary, fortified with
insensibility and prejudice against the charms of the whole sex, and
particularly prepossessed to the prejudice of that class distinguished
by the appellation of old maids, in which Mrs. Grizzle was by this time
unhappily ranked. She nevertheless took the field, and having invested
this seemingly impregnable fortress, began to break ground one day,
when Trunnion dined at her brother's, by springing certain ensnaring
commendations on the honesty and sincerity of sea-faring people,
paying a particular attention to his plate, and affecting a simper of
approbation at everything which he said, which by any means she could
construe into a joke, or with modesty be supposed to hear: nay, even
when he left decency on the left hand, which was often the case, she
ventured to reprimand his freedom of speech with a grin, saying, “Sure
you gentlemen belonging to the sea have such an odd way with you.” But
all this complacency was so ineffectual, that, far from suspecting the
true cause of it, the commodore, that very evening, at the club, in
presence of her brother, with whom by this time he could take any manner
of freedom, did not scruple to d-- her for a squinting, block-faced,
chattering p-- kitchen; and immediately after drank “Despair to all old
maids.” The toast Mr. Pickle pledged without the least hesitation, and
next day intimated to his sister, who bore the indignity with surprising
resignation, and did not therefore desist from her scheme, unpromising
as it seemed to be, until her attention was called off, and engaged
in another care, which for some time interrupted the progress of this
design.

Her sister had not been married many months, when she exhibited evident
symptoms of pregnancy, to the general satisfaction of all concerned, and
the inexpressible joy of Mrs. Grizzle, who, as we have already hinted,
was more interested in the preservation of the family name than in
any other consideration whatever. She therefore no sooner discovered
appearances to justify and confirm her hopes, than, postponing her own
purpose, and laying aside that pique and resentment she had conceived
from the behaviour of Mrs. Pickle, when she superseded her authority;
or perhaps, considering her in no other light than that of the vehicle
which contained, and was destined to convey, her brother's heir to
light, she determined to exert her uttermost in nursing, tending, and
cherishing her during the term of her important charge. With this
view she purchased Culpepper's Midwifery, which with that sagacious
performance dignified with Aristotle's name, she studied with
indefatigable care; and diligently perused the Complete Housewife,
together with Quincy's Dispensatory, culling every jelly, marmalade, and
conserve which these authors recommend as either salutary or toothsome,
for the benefit and comfort of her sister-in-law, during her gestation.
She restricted her from eating roots, pot-herbs, fruit, and all sorts of
vegetables; and one day, when Mrs. Pickle had plucked a peach with her
own hand, and was in the very act of putting it between her teeth, Mrs.
Grizzle perceived the rash attempt, and running up to her, fell on her
knees in the garden, entreating her, with tears in her eyes, to desist
such a pernicious appetite. Her request was no sooner complied with,
than recollecting, that if her sister's longing was balked, the child
might be affected with some disagreeable mark or deplorable disease, she
begged as earnestly that she would swallow the fruit, and in the mean
time ran for some cordial water of her own composing, which she forced
on her sister, as an antidote to the poison she had received.

This excessive zeal and tenderness did not fail to be very troublesome
to Mrs. Pickle, who, having resolved divers plans for the recovery
of her own ease, at length determined to engage Mrs. Grizzle in such
employment as would interrupt that close attendance, which she found so
teasing and disagreeable. Neither did she wait long for an opportunity
of putting her resolution in practice. The very next day a gentleman
happening to dine with Mr. Pickle, unfortunately mentioned a pine-apple,
part of which he had eaten a week before at the house of a nobleman, who
lived in another part of the country, at the distance of a hundred miles
at least.

The name of this fatal fruit was no sooner pronounced, than Mrs.
Grizzle, who incessantly watched her sister's looks, took the alarm,
because she thought they gave certain indications of curiosity and
desire; and after having observed that she herself could never eat
pine-apples, which were altogether unnatural productions, extorted
by the force of artificial fire out of filthy manure, asked, with a
faltering voice, if Mrs. Pickle was not of her way of thinking? This
young lady, who wanted neither slyness nor penetration, at once divined
her meaning, and replied, with seeming unconcern, that for her own part
she should never repine if there was no pine-apple in the universe,
provided she could indulge herself with the fruits of her own country.

This answer was calculated for the benefit of the stranger, who would
certainly have suffered for his imprudence by the resentment of Mrs.
Grizzle, had her sister expressed the least relish for the fruit in
question. It had the desired effect, and re-established the peace of the
company, which was not a little endangered by the gentleman's want of
consideration. Next morning, however, after breakfast, the pregnant
lady, in pursuance of her plan, yawned, as it were by accident, full in
the face of her maiden sister, who being infinitely disturbed by this
convulsion, affirmed it was a symptom of longing, and insisted upon
knowing the object in desire; when Mrs. Pickle affecting a smile
told her she had eaten a most delicious pine-apple in her sleep. This
declaration was attended with an immediate scream, uttered by
Mrs. Grizzle, who instantly perceiving her sister surprised at the
exclamation, clasped her in her arms, and assured her, with a sort of
hysterical laugh, that she could not help screaming with joy, because
she had it in her power to gratify her dear sister's wish; a lady in
the neighbourhood having promised to send her, as a present, a couple of
delicate pine-apples, which she would on that very day go in quest of.

Mrs. Pickle would by no means consent to this proposal, on pretence of
sparing the other unnecessary fatigue; and assured her, that if she had
any desire to eat a pine-apple, it was so faint, that the disappointment
could produce no bad consequence. But this assurance was conveyed in
a manner, which she knew very well how to adopt, that, instead of
dissuading, rather stimulated Mrs. Grizzle to set out immediately, not
on a visit to that lady, whose promise she herself had feigned with
a view of consulting her sister's tranquility, but on a random Search
through the whole country for this unlucky fruit, which was like to
produce so much vexation and prejudice to her and her father's house.

During three whole days and nights did she, attended by a valet, ride
from place to place without success, unmindful of her health, and
careless of her reputation, that began to suffer from the nature of her
inquiry, which was pursued with such peculiar eagerness and distraction,
that everybody with whom she conversed, looked upon her as an unhappy
person, whose intellects were not a little disordered.

Baffled in all her researches within the country, she at length decided
to visit that very nobleman at whose house the officious stranger had
been (for her) so unfortunately regaled, and actually arrived, in a
post-chaise, at the place of his habitation, when she introduced her
business as an affair on which the happiness of a whole family depended.
By virtue of a present to his lordship's gardener, she procured the
Hesperian fruit, with which she returned in triumph.



CHAPTER VI.



Mrs. Grizzle is indefatigable in gratifying her Sister's
Longings--Peregrine is born, and managed contrary to the Directions
and Remonstrances of his Aunt, who is disgusted upon that account, and
resumes the Plan which she had before rejected.


The success of this device would have encouraged Mrs. Pickle to practise
more of the same sort upon her sister-in-law, had she not been deterred
by a violent fever which seized her zealous ally, in consequence of the
fatigue and uneasiness she had undergone; which, while it lasted, as
effectually conduced to her repose, as any other stratagem she could
invent. But Mrs. Grizzle's health was no sooner restored, than the
other, being as much incommoded as ever, was obliged, in her own
defence, to have recourse to some other contrivance; and managed her
artifices in such a manner, as leaves it at this day a doubt whether she
was really so whimsical and capriccios in her appetites as she herself
pretended to be; for her longings were not restricted to the demands of
the palate and stomach, but also affected all the other organs of sense,
and even invaded her imagination, which at this period seemed to be
strangely diseased.

One time she longed to pinch her husband's ear; and it was with infinite
difficulty that his sister could prevail upon him to undergo the
operation. Yet this task was easy, in comparison with another she
undertook for the gratification of Mrs. Pickle's unaccountable desire;
which was no other than to persuade the commodore to submit his chin
to the mercy of the big-bellied lady, who ardently wished for an
opportunity of plucking three black hairs from his beard. When this
proposal was first communicated to Mr. Trunnion by the husband, his
answer was nothing but a dreadful effusion of oaths, accompanied with
such a stare, and delivered in such a tone of voice, as terrified the
poor beseecher into immediate silence; so that Mrs. Grizzle was fain
to take the whole enterprise upon herself, and next day went to the
garrison accordingly, where, having obtained entrance by means of the
lieutenant, who, while his commander was asleep, ordered her to be
admitted for the joke's sake, she waited patiently till he turned out,
and then accosted him in the yard, where he used to perform his morning
walk. He was thunderstruck at the appearance of a woman in a place he
had hitherto kept sacred from the whole sex, and immediately began to
utter an apostrophe to Tom Pipes, whose turn it was then to watch; when
Mrs. Grizzle, falling on her knees before him, conjured him, with many
pathetic supplications, to hear and grant her request, which was no
sooner signified, than he bellowed in such an outrageous manner that the
whole court re-echoed the opprobrious term b--, and the word damnation,
which he repeated with surprising volubility, without any sort of
propriety or connection; and retreated into his penetralia, leaving the
baffled devotee in the humble posture she had so unsuccessfully chosen
to melt his obdurate heart.

Mortifying as this repulse must have been to a lady of her stately
disposition, she did not relinquish her aim, but endeavoured to interest
the commodore's counsellors and adherents in her cause. With this view
she solicited the interest of Mr. Hatchway, who, being highly pleased
with a circumstance so productive of mirth and diversion, readily
entered into her measures, and promised to employ his whole influence
for her satisfaction; and as for the boatswain's mate, he was rendered
propitious by the present of a guinea, which she slipped into his hand.
In short, Mrs. Grizzle was continually engaged in this negotiation for
the space of ten days, during which, the commodore was so incessantly
pestered with her remonstrances, and the admonitions of his associates,
that he swore his people had a design upon his life, which becoming a
burden to him, he at last complied, and was conducted to the scene like
a victim to the altar, or rather like a reluctant bear, when he is led
to the stake amidst the shouts and cries of butchers and their dogs.
After all, this victory was not quite so decisive as the conquerors
imagined; for the patient being set, and the performer prepared with
a pair of pincers, a small difficulty occurred: she could not for some
time discern one black hair on the whole superficies of Mr. Trunnion's
face, when Mrs. Grizzle, very much alarmed and disconcerted, had
recourse to a magnifying-glass that stood upon her toilet; and, after a
most accurate examination, discovered a fibre of a dusky hue, to which
the instrument being applied, Mrs. Pickle pulled it up by the roots, to
the no small discomposure of the owner, who, feeling the smart much more
severe than he had expected, started up, and swore he would not part
with another hair to save them all from damnation.

Mr. Hatchway exhorted him to patience and resignation; Mrs. Grizzle
repeated her entreaties with great humility; but finding him deaf to all
her prayers, and absolutely bent upon leaving the house, she clasped his
knees, and begged for the love of God that he would have compassion upon
a distressed family, and endure a little more for the sake of the poor
infant, who would otherwise be born with a gray beard upon its chin.
Far from being melted, he was rather exasperated by this reflection; to
which he replied with great indignation, “D-- you for a yaw-sighted b--!
I'll be hanged, long enough before he has any beard at all:” so saying,
he disengaged himself from her embraces, flung out at the door, and
halted homewards with such surprising speed, that the lieutenant could
not overtake him until he had arrived at his own gate; and Mrs.
Grizzle was so much affected with his escape, that her sister, in pure
compassion, desired she would not afflict herself, protesting that her
own wish was already gratified, for she had plucked three hairs at once,
having from the beginning been dubious of the commodore's patience.

But the labours of this assiduous kinswoman did not end with the
achievement of this adventure: her eloquence or industry was employed
without ceasing in the performance of other tasks imposed by the
ingenious craft of her sister-in-law, who at another time conceived an
insuppressible affection for a fricassee of frogs, which should be the
genuine natives of France; so that there was a necessity for despatching
a messenger on purpose to that kingdom; but as she could not depend
upon the integrity of any common servant, Mrs. Grizzle undertook that
province, and actually set sail in a cutter for Boulogne, from whence
she returned in eight-and-forty hours with a tub full of those live
animals, which being dressed according to art, her sister did not
taste them, on pretence that her fit of longing was past: but then her
inclinations took a different turn, and fixed themselves upon a curious
implement belonging to a lady of quality in the neighbourhood, which
was reported to be a great curiosity: this was no other than a porcelain
chamber-pot of admirable workmanship, contrived by the honourable owner,
who kept it for her own private use, and cherished it as a utensil of
inestimable value.

Mrs. Grizzle shuddered at the first hint, she received of her sister's
desire to possess this piece of furniture; because she knew it was not
to be purchased; and the lady's character, which was none of the most
amiable in point of humanity and condescension, forbad all hopes of
borrowing it for a season: she therefore attempted to reason down this
capricious appetite, as an extravagance of imagination which ought to be
combated and repressed; and Mrs. Pickle, to all appearance was convinced
and satisfied by her arguments and advice; but, nevertheless, could make
use of no other convenience, and was threatened with a very dangerous
suppression. Roused at the peril in which she supposed her to be,
Mrs. Grizzle flew to the lady's house, and, having obtained a private
audience, disclosed the melancholy situation of her sister, and implored
the benevolence of her ladyship, who, contrary to expectation, received
her very graciously, and consented to indulge Mrs. Pickle's longing. Mr.
Pickle began to be out of humour at the expense to which he was exposed
by the caprice of his wife, who was herself alarmed at this last
accident, and for the future kept her fancy within bounds; insomuch,
that without being subject to any more extraordinary trouble, Mrs.
Grizzle reaped the long-wished fruits of her dearest expectation in the
birth of a fine boy, whom her sister in a few months brought into the
world.

I shall omit the description of the rejoicings, which were infinite on
this important occasion, and only observe that Mrs. Pickle's mother and
aunt stood godmothers, and the commodore assisted at the ceremony as
godfather to the child, who was christened by the name of Peregrine, in
compliment to the memory of a deceased uncle. While the mother confined
to her bed, and incapable of maintaining her own authority, Mrs. Grizzle
took charge of the infant baby by a double claim, and superintended, with
surprising vigilance, the nurse and midwife in all the particulars of
their respective offices, which were performed by her express direction.
But no sooner was Mrs. Pickle in a condition to reassume the management
of her own affairs, when she thought proper to alter certain regulations
concerning the child, which had obtained in consequence of her sister's
orders, directing, among other innovations, that the bandages with which
the infant had been so neatly rolled up, like an Egyptian mummy, should
be loosened and laid aside, in order to rid nature of all restraint,
and give the blood free scope to circulate; and, with her own hands she
plunged him headlong every morning into a tub full of cold water. This
operation seemed so barbarous to the tender-hearted Mrs. Grizzle, that
she not only opposed it with all her eloquence, shedding abundance of
tears over the sacrifice when it was made; and took horse immediately,
and departed for the habitation of an eminent country physician, whom
she consulted in these words: “Pray, doctor, is it not both dangerous
and cruel to be the means of letting a poor tender infant perish
by sousing it in water as cold as ice?”--“Yes,” replied the doctor,
“downright murder, I affirm.”--“I see you are a person of great learning
and sagacity,” said the other; “and I must beg you will be so good as
to signify your opinion in your own handwriting.” The doctor immediately
complied with her request, and expressed himself upon a slip of paper to
this purpose:--

    “These are to certify whom it may concern, that I firmly
    believe, and it is my unalterable opinion, that who soever
    letteth an infant perish, by sousing it in cold water, even
    though the said water should not be so cold as ice, is in
    effect guilty of the murder of the said infant, as witness
    my hand,
                       “Comfit Colocynth.”


Having obtained this certificate, for which the physician was handsomely
acknowledged, she returned, exalting, and hoping, with such authority,
to overthrow all opposition. Accordingly, next morning, when her nephew
was about to undergo his diurnal baptism, she produced the commission,
whereby she conceived herself empowered to overrule such inhuman
proceedings, but she was disappointed in her expectation, confident as
it was; not that Mrs. Pickle pretended to differ in opinion from Dr.
Colocynth, “for whose character and sentiments,” said she, “I have such
veneration, that I shall carefully observe the caution implied in this
very certificate, by which, far from condemning my method of practice,
he only asserts that killing is murder; an asseveration, the truth of
which, it is to be hoped, I shall never dispute.”

Mrs. Grizzle, who, sooth to say, had rather too superficially considered
the clause by which she thought herself authorized, perused the paper
with more accuracy, and was confounded at her own want of penetration.
Yet, though she was confuted, she was by no means convinced that her
objections to the cold bath were unreasonable; on the contrary, after
having bestowed sundry opprobrious epithets on the physician, for his
want of knowledge and candour, she protested in the most earnest and
solemn manner the pernicious practice of dipping the child--a piece
of cruelty which, with God's assistance, she should never suffer to
be inflicted on her own issue; and washing her hands of the melancholy
consequence that would certainly ensue, shut herself up in her closet
to indulge her sorrow and vexation. She was deceived, however, in her
prognostic. The boy, instead of declining in point of health, seemed to
acquire fresh vigour from every plunge, as if he had been resolved to
discredit the wisdom and foresight of his aunt, who in all probability
could never forgive him for this want of reverence and respect. This
conjecture is founded upon her behaviour to him in the sequel of his
infancy, during which she was known to torture him more than once, when
she had opportunities of thrusting pins into his flesh, without any
danger of being detected. In short, her affections were in a little time
altogether alienated from this hope of her family, whom she abandoned to
the conduct of his mother, whose province it undoubtedly was to manage
the nurture of her own child; while she herself resumed her operations
upon the commodore, whom she was resoled at any rate to captivate and
enslave. And it must be owned that Mrs. Grizzle's knowledge of the human
heart never shone so conspicuous as in the methods she pursued for the
accomplishment of this important aim.

Through the rough unpolished hulk that cased the soul of Trunnion, she
could easily distinguish a large share of that vanity and self-conceit
that generally predominate even in the most savage beast; and to this
she constantly appealed. In his presence she always exclaimed against
the craft and dishonest dissimulation of the world, and never failed of
uttering particular invectives against those arts of chicanery in
which the lawyers are so conversant, to the prejudice and ruin of their
fellow-creatures; observing that in a seafaring life, as far as she
had opportunities of judging or being informed, there was nothing but
friendship, sincerity, and a hearty contempt for everything that was
mean or selfish.

This kind of conversation, with the assistance of certain particular
civilities, insensibly made an impression on the mind of the commodore,
and the more effectual as his former prepossessions were built upon very
slender foundations. His antipathy to old maids, which he had conceived
upon hearsay, began gradually to diminish when he found they were not
quite such infernal animals as they had been presented; and it was not
long before he was heard to observe, at the club, that Pickle's sister
had not so much of the core of b-- in her as he had imagined. This
negative compliment, by the medium of her brother, soon reached the
ears of Mrs. Grizzle, who, thus encouraged, redoubled in her arts and
attention; so that, in less than three months after, he in the same
place distinguished her with the epithet of a d--d sensible jade.

Hatchway, taking the alarm at this declaration, which he feared
foreboded something fatal to his interest, told his commander, with a
sneer, that she had sense enough to bring him to under her stern; and he
did not doubt but that such an old crazy vessel would be the better for
being taken in tow. “But howsomever,” added this arch adviser, “I'd have
you take care of your upper-works; for if once you are made fast to her
poop, egad! She'll spank it away, and make every beam in your body crack
with straining.”

Our she-projector's whole plan had like to have been ruined by the
effect which this malicious hint had upon Trunnion, whose rage and
suspicion being wakened at once, his colour changed from tawny to a
cadaverous pale, and then shifting to a deep and dusky red, such as we
sometimes observe in the sky when it is replete with thunder, he, after
his usual preamble of unmeaning oaths, answered in these words:--“D--
you, you jury-legg'd dog, you would give all the stowage in your hold to
be as sound as I am; and as for being taken in tow, d'ye see, I'm not
so disabled that I can lie my course, and perform my voyage without
assistance; and, egad! no man shall ever see Hawser Trunnion lagging
astern, in the wake of e'er a b-- in Christendom.”

Mrs. Grizzle, who every morning interrogated her brother with regard to
the subject of his night's conversation with his friends, soon received
the unwelcome news of the commodore's aversion to matrimony; and justly
imputing the greatest part of his disgust to the satirical insinuations
of Mr. Hatchway, resolved to level this obstruction to her success, and
actually found means to interest him in her scheme. She had indeed, on
some occasions, a particular knack at making converts, being probably
not unacquainted with that grand system of persuasion which is adopted
by the greatest personages of the age, and fraught with maxims much
more effectual than all the eloquence of Tully or Demosthenes, even
when supported by the demonstrations of truth; besides, Mr. Hatchway's
fidelity to his new ally was confirmed by his foreseeing, in his
captain's marriage, an infinite fund of gratification for his own
cynical disposition. Thus, therefore, converted and properly cautioned,
he for the future suppressed all the virulence of his wit against the
matrimonial state; and as he knew not how to open his mouth in the
positive praise of any person whatever, took all opportunities of
excepting Mrs. Grizzle, by name, from the censures he liberally bestowed
upon the rest of her sex. “She is not a drunkard, like Nan Castick,
of Deptford,” he would say; “not a nincompoop, like Peg Simper, of
Woolwich; not a brimstone, like Kate Koddle, of Chatham; nor a shrew,
like Nell Griffin, on the Point, Portsmouth” (ladies to whom, at
different times, they had both paid their addresses); “but a tight,
good-humoured, sensible wench, who knows very well how to box her
compass; well-trimmed aloft, and well-sheathed alow, with a good cargo
under her hatches.” The commodore at first imagined this commendation
was ironical; but, hearing it repeated again and again, was filled with
astonishment at this surprising change in the lieutenant's behaviour;
and, after a long fit of musing, concluded that Hatchway himself
harboured a matrimonial design on the person of Mrs. Grizzle.

Pleased with this conjecture, he rallied jack in his turn, and one night
toasted her health as a compliment to his passion--a circumstance which
the lady learned next day by the usual canal of her intelligence;
and interpreting as the result of his own tenderness for her, she
congratulated herself on the victory she had obtained; and thinking
it unnecessary to continue the reserve she had hitherto industriously
affected, resolved from that day to sweeten her behaviour towards him
with such a dash of affection as could not fail to persuade him that
he had inspired her with a reciprocal flame. In consequence of this
determination, he was invited to dinner, and while he stayed treated
with such cloying proofs of her regard, that not only the rest of the
company, but even Trunnion perceived her drift; and taking the alarm
accordingly, could not help exclaiming, “Oho! I see how the land lies,
and if I don't weather the point, I'll be d--d.” Having thus expressed
himself to his afflicted inamorata, he made the best of his way to the
garrison, in which he shut himself up for the space of ten days, and had
no communication with his friends and domestics but by looks, which were
most significantly picturesque.



CHAPTER VII.



Divers Stratagems are invented and put in practice, in order to overcome
the obstinacy of Trunnion, who, at length, is teased and tortured into
the Noose of Wedlock.


This abrupt departure and unkind declaration affected Mrs. Grizzle so
much, that she fell sick of sorrow and mortification; and after having
confined herself to her bed for three days, sent for her brother, told
him she perceived her end drawing near, and desired that a lawyer might
be brought, in order to write her last will. Mr. Pickle, surprised at
her demand, began to act the part of a comforter, assuring her that her
distemper was not at all dangerous, and that he would instantly send
for a physician, who would convince her that she was in no manner
of jeopardy; so that there was no occasion at present to employ any
officious attorney in such a melancholy task. Indeed, this affectionate
brother was of opinion that a will was altogether superfluous at any
rate, as he himself was heir-in-law to his sister's whole real and
personal estate. But she insisted on his compliance with such determined
obstinacy, that he could no longer resist her importunities; and, a
arriving, she dictated and executed her will, in which she bequeathed
to Commodore Trunnion one thousand pounds, to purchase a mourning
ring, which she hoped he would wear as a pledge of her friendship and
affection. Her brother, though he did not much relish this testimony
of her love, nevertheless that same evening gave an account of this
particular to Mr. Hatchway, who was also, as Mr. Pickle assured him,
generously remembered by the testatrix.

The lieutenant, fraught with this piece of intelligence, watched for
an opportunity; and as soon as he perceived the commodore's features
a little unbended from that ferocious contraction they had retained so
long, ventured to inform him that Pickle's sister lay at the point of
death, and that she had left him a thousand pounds in her will. This
piece of news overwhelmed him with confusion; and Mr. Hatchway, imputing
his silence to remorse, resolved to take advantage of that favourable
moment, and counselled him to go and visit the poor young woman, who
was dying for love of him. But his admonition happened to be somewhat
unseasonable. Trunnion no sooner heard him mention the cause of her
disorder, than his morosity recurring, he burst out into a violent fit
of cursing, and forthwith betook himself again to his hammock, where he
lay, uttering, in a low growling tone of voice, a repetition of oaths
and imprecations, for the space of four-and-twenty hours, without
ceasing. This was a delicious meal to the lieutenant, who, eager to
enhance the pleasure of the entertainment, and at the same the conduce
to the success of the cause he had espoused, invented a stratagem, the
execution of which had all the effect he could desire. He prevailed on
Pipes, who was devoted to his service, to get on the top of the chimney,
belonging to the commodore's chamber, at midnight, and lower down by
a rope a bunch of stinking whitings, which being performed, he put a
speaking-trumpet to his mouth, and hallooed down the vent, in a voice
like thunder, “Trunnion! Trunnion! turn out and be spliced, or lie still
and be d--.”

This dreadful note, the terror of which was increased by the silence and
darkness of the night, as well as the cello of the passage through which
it was conveyed, no sooner reached the ears of the astonished commodore,
than turning his eyes towards the place from whence this solemn address
seemed to proceed, he beheld a glittering object that vanished in an
instant. Just as his superstitious fear had improved the apparition into
some supernatural messenger clothed in shining array, his opinion was
confirmed by a sudden explosion, which he took for thunder, though it
was no other than the noise of a pistol fired down the chimney by the
boatswain's mate, according to the instructions he had received; and he
had time enough to descend before he was in any danger of being detected
by his commodore, who could not for an hour recollect himself from the
amazement and consternation which had overpowered his faculties.

At length, however, he got up, and rang his bell with great agitation.
He repeated the summons more than once; but no regard being paid to this
alarm, his dread returned with double terror, a cold sweat bedewed his
limbs, his knees knocked together, his hair bristled up, and the remains
of his teeth were shattered in pieces in the convulsive vibrations of
his jaws.

In the midst of this agony he made one desperate effort, and, bursting
open the door of apartment, bolted into Hatchway's chamber, which
happened to be on the same floor. There he found the lieutenant in
a counterfeit swoon, who pretended to wake from his trance in an
ejaculation of “Lord have mercy upon us!” and being questioned by the
terrified commodore with regard to what had happened, assured him he had
heard the same voice and clap of thunder by which Trunnion himself had
been discomposed.

Pipes, whose turn it was to watch, concurred in giving evidence to the
same purpose; and the commodore not only owned that he had heard the
voice, but likewise communicated his vision, with all the aggravation
which his disturbed fancy suggested.

A consultation immediately ensued, in which Mr. Hatchway gravely
observed that the finger of Heaven was plainly perceivable in those
signals, and that it would be both sinful and foolish to disregard its
commands, especially as the match proposed was, in all respects, more
advantageous than any that one of his years could reasonably expect;
declaring that for his own part he would not endanger his soul and body
by living one day longer under the same roof with a man who despised the
will of Heaven; and Tom Pipes adhered to the same pious resolution.

Trunnion's perseverance could not resist the number and diversity
of considerations that assaulted it; he revolved in silence all the
opposite motives that occurred to his reflection; and after having been,
to all appearance, bewildered in the labyrinth of his own thoughts, he
wiped the sweat from his forehead, and, heaving a piteous groan, yielded
to their remonstrances in these words: “Well, since it must be so, I
think we must ev'n grapple. But d-- my eyes! 'tis a d--d hard case
that a fellow of my years should be compelled, d'ye see, to beat up
to windward all the rest of my life against the current of my own
inclination.”

This important article being discussed, Mr. Hatchway set out in the
morning to visit the despairing shepherdess, and was handsomely rewarded
for the enlivening tidings with which he blessed her ears. Sick as
she was, she could not help laughing heartily at the contrivance, in
consequence of which her swain's assent had been obtained, and gave the
lieutenant ten guineas for Tom Pipes, in consideration of the part he
acted in the farce.

In the afternoon the commodore suffered himself to be conveyed to her
apartment, like a felon to execution, and was received by her in
a languishing manner, and genteel dishabille, accompanied by her
sister-in-law, who was, for very obvious reasons, extremely solicitous
about her success. Though the lieutenant had tutored him touching his
behaviour it this interview, he made a thousand wry faces before he
could pronounce the simple salutation of “How d'ye?” to his mistress;
and after his counsellor had urged him with twenty or thirty whispers,
to each of which he had replied aloud, “D-- your eyes, I won't,” he got
up, and halting towards the couch on which Mrs. Grizzle reclined in a
state of strange expectation, he seized her hand and pressed it to his
lips; but this piece of gallantry he performed in such a reluctant,
uncouth, indignant manner, that the nymph had need of all her resolution
to endure the compliment without shrinking; and he himself was so
disconcerted at what he had done, that he instantly retired to the
other end of the room, where he sat silent, and broiled with shame and
vexation.

Mrs. Pickle, like a sensible matron, quitted the place, on pretence of
going to the nursery; and Mr. Hatchway, taking the hint, recollected
that he had left his tobacco-pouch in the parlour, whither he descended,
leaving the two lovers to their mutual endearments. Never had the
commodore found himself in such a disagreeable dilemma before. He sat in
an agony of suspense, as if he every moment dreaded the dissolution of
nature; and the imploring sighs of his future bride added, if possible,
to the pangs of his distress. Impatient of this situation, he rolled
his eye around in quest of some relief, and, unable to contain himself,
exclaimed, “D--n seize the fellow and his pouch too! I believe he has
sheered off, and left me here in the stays.”

Mrs. Grizzle, who could not help taking some notice of this
manifestation of chagrin, lamented her unhappy fate in being so
disagreeable to him, that he could not put up with her company for a few
moments without repining; and began in very tender terms to reproach him
with his inhumanity and indifference. To this expostulation he replied,
“Zounds! what would the woman have? Let the parson do his office when he
wool: here I am ready to be reeved in the matrimonial block, d'ye see,
and d-- all nonsensical palaver.” So saying, he retreated, leaving his
mistress not at all disobliged at his plain dealing. That same evening
the treaty of marriage was brought upon the carpet, and, by means of Mr.
Pickle and the lieutenant, settled to the satisfaction of all parties,
without the intervention of lawyers, whom Mr. Trunnion expressly
excluded from all share in the business; making that condition the
indispensable preliminary of the whole agreement. Things being brought
to this bearing, Mrs. Grizzle's heart dilated with joy; her health,
which, by the bye, was never dangerously impaired, she recovered as if
by enchantment; and, a day being fixed for the nuptials, employed the
short period of her celibacy in choosing ornaments for the celebration
of her entrance into the married state.



CHAPTER VIII.



Preparations are made for the Commodore's Wedding, which is delayed by
an Accident that hurried him the Lord knows whither.


The fame of this extraordinary conjunction spread all over the county;
and, on the day appointed for their spousals, the church was surrounded
by an inconceivable multitude. The commodore, to give a specimen of his
gallantry, by the advice of his friend Hatchway, resolved to appear on
horseback on the grand occasion, at the head of all his male attendants,
whom he had rigged with the white shirts and black caps formerly
belonging to his barge's crew; and he bought a couple of hunters for the
accommodation of himself and his lieutenant. With this equipage, then,
he set out from the garrison for the church, after having despatched a
messenger to apprise the bride that he and his company were mounted. She
got immediately into the coach, accompanied by her brother and his wife,
and drove directly to the place of assignation, where several pews were
demolished, and divers persons almost pressed to death, by the eagerness
of the crowd that broke in to see the ceremony performed. Thus arrived
at the altar, and the priest in attendance, they waited a whole
half-hour for the commodore, at whose slowness they began to be under
some apprehension, and accordingly dismissed a servant to quicken his
pace. The valet having ridden something more than a mile, espied the
whole troop disposed in a long field, crossing the road obliquely, and
headed by the bridegroom and his friend Hatchway, who, finding himself
hindered by a hedge from proceeding farther in the same direction, fired
a pistol, and stood over to the other side, making an obtuse angle with
the line of his former course; and the rest of the squadron followed his
example, keeping always in the rear of each other, like a flight of wild
geese.

Surprised at this strange method of journeying, the messenger came up,
and told the commodore that his lady and her company expected him in the
church, where they had tarried a considerable time, and were beginning
to be very uneasy at his delay, and therefore desired he would proceed
with more expedition. To this message Mr. Trunnion replied, “Hark ye,
brother, don't you see we make all possible speed? go back, and tell
those who sent you, that the wind has shifted since we weighed anchor,
and that we are obliged to make very short trips in tacking, by reason
of the narrowness of the channel; and that as we be within six points
of the wind, they must make some allowance for variation and
leeway.”--“Lord, sir!” said the valet, “what occasion have you to go
zig-zag in that manner? Do but clap spurs to your horses, and ride
straight forward, and I'll engage yea shall be at the church-porch
in less than a quarter of an hour.”--“What? right in the wind's eye?”
 answered the commodore; “ahey! brother, where did you learn your
navigation? Hawser Trunnion is not to be taught at this time of day how
to lie his course, or keep his own reckoning. And as for you, brother,
you best know the trim of your own frigate.”

The courier, finding he had to do with people who would not be easily
persuaded out of their own opinions, returned to the temple, and made a
report of what he had seen and heard, to the no small consolation of
the bride, who had begun to discover some signs of disquiet. Composed,
however, by this piece of intelligence, she exerted her patience for the
space of another half-hour, during which period, seeing no bridegroom
arrive, she was exceedingly alarmed; so that all the spectators could
easily perceive her perturbation, which manifested itself in frequent
palpitations, heart-heavings, and alterations of countenance, in spite
of the assistance of a smelling-bottle which she incessantly applied to
her nostrils.

Various were the conjectures of the company on this occasion: some
imagined he had mistaken the place of rendezvous, as he had never been
at church since he first settled in that parish; others believed he
had met with some accident, in consequence of which his attendants had
carried him back to his own house; and a third set, in which the bride
herself was thought to be comprehended, could not help suspecting
that the commodore had changed his mind. But all these suppositions,
ingenious as they were, happened to be wide of the true cause that
detained him, which was no other than this: the commodore and his crew
had, by dint of turning, almost weathered the parson's house that stood
to windward of the church, when the notes of a pack of hounds unluckily
reached the ears of the two hunters which Trunnion and the lieutenant
bestrode. These fleet animals no sooner heard the enlivening sound,
than, eager for the chase, they sprang away all of a sudden, and
strained every nerve to partake of the sport, flew across the fields
with incredible speed, overleaped hedges and ditches, and everything
in their way, without the least regard to their unfortunate riders. The
lieutenant, whose steed had got the heels of the other, finding it would
be great folly and presumption in him to pretend to keep the saddle with
his wooden leg, very wisely took the opportunity of throwing himself off
in his passage through a field of rich clover, among which he lay at his
ease; and seeing his captain advancing, at full gallop, hailed him with
the salutation of “What cheer? Ho!” The commodore, who was in infinite
distress, eyeing him askance as he passed, replied, with a faltering
voice, “O, d-- ye!--you are safe at an anchor. I wish to God I were as
fast moored.”

Nevertheless, conscious of his disabled heel, he would not venture
to try the experiment which had succeeded so well with Hatchway but
resolved to stick as close as possible to his horse's back, until
Providence should interpose in his behalf. With this view he dropped his
whip, and with his right hand laid fast hold on the pommel, contracting
every muscle in his body to secure himself in the seat, and grinning
most formidably in consequence of this exertion. In this attitude he
was hurried on a considerable way, when all of a sudden his view was
comforted by a five-bar gate that appeared before him, as he never
doubted that there the career of his hunter must necessarily end.
But, alas! he reckoned without his host. Far from halting at this
obstruction, the horse sprang over it with amazing agility, to the utter
confusion and disorder of his owner, who lost his hat and periwig in
the leap, and now began to think, in good earnest, that he was actually
mounted on the back of the devil. He recommended himself to God; his
reflections forsook him; his eyesight and all his other senses failed;
he quitted the reins, and fastening by instinct on the mane, was in this
condition conveyed into the midst of the sportsmen, who were astonished
at the sight of such an apparition. Neither was their surprise to be
wondered at, if we reflect on the figure that presented itself to their
view. The commodore's person was at all times an object of admiration;
much more so on this occasion, when every singularity was aggravated by
the circumstances of his dress and disaster.

He had put on, in honour of his nuptials, his best coat of blue
broad-cloth, cut by a tailor of Ramsgate, and trimmed with five dozen
of brass buttons large and small; his breeches were of the same piece,
fastened at the knees with large bunches of tape; his waistcoat was of
red plush lappelled with green velvet, and garnished with vellum holes;
his boots bore an infinite resemblance, both in colour and shape, to a
pair of leather buckets; his shoulder was graced with a broad buff belt,
from whence depended a huge hanger with a hilt like that of a backsword;
and on each side of his pommel appeared a rusty pistol rammed in a case
covered with a bearskin. The loss of his tie-periwig and laced hat,
which were curiosities of the kind, did not at all contribute to the
improvement of the picture, but, on the contrary, by exhibiting his
bald pate, and the natural extension of his lantern jaws, added to the
peculiarity and extravagance of the whole.

Such a spectacle could not have failed of diverting the whole company
from the chase had his horse thought proper to pursue a different route;
but the beast was too keen a sporter to choose any other way than that
which the stag followed and therefore, without stopping to gratify
the curiosity of the spectators, he in a few minutes outstripped every
hunter in the field. There being a deep hollow betwixt him and the
hounds, rather than ride round, about the length of a furlong, in a
path that crossed the lane, he transported himself at one jump, to the
unspeakable astonishment and terror of a waggoner who chanced to be
underneath, and saw this phenomenon fly over his carriage. This was not
the only adventure he achieved. The stag, having taken a deep river
that lay in his way, every man directed his course to a bridge in
the neighbourhood; but our bridegroom's courser, despising all such
conveniences, plunged into the stream without hesitation, and swam in a
twinkling to the opposite shore. This sudden immersion into an element
of which Trunnion was properly a native, in all probability helped to
recruit the exhausted spirits of his rider, at his landing on the other
side gave some tokens of sensation, by hallooing aloud for assistance,
which he could not possibly receive, because his horse still maintained
the advantage he had gained, and would not allow himself to be
overtaken.

In short, after a long chase that lasted several hours, and extended to
a dozen miles at least, he was the first in at the death of the deer,
being seconded by the lieutenant's gelding, which, actuated by the same
spirit, had, without a rider, followed his companion's example.

Our bridegroom, finding himself at last brought up, or, in other words,
at the end of his career, took the opportunity of this first pause, to
desire the huntsmen would lend him a hand in dismounting; and by their
condescension, safely placed on the grass, where he sat staring at
the company as they came in, with such wildness of astonishment in his
looks, as if he had been a creature of another species, dropped among
them from the clouds.

Before they had fleshed the hounds, however, he recollected himself;
and, seeing one of the sportsmen take a small flask out of his pocket
and apply it to his mouth, judged the cordial to be no other than neat
Cognac, which it really was; and expressing a desire of participation,
was immediately accommodated with a moderate dose, which perfectly
completed his recovery.

By this time he and his two horses had engrossed the attention of the
whole crowd: while some admired the elegant proportion and uncommon
spirit of the two animals, the rest contemplated the surprising
appearance of their master, whom before they had only seen en passant;
and at length, one of the gentlemen, accosting him very courteously,
signified his wonder at seeing him in such an equipage, and asked if
he had not dropped his companion by the way. “Why look ye, brother,”
 replied the commodore, “mayhap you think me an odd sort of a fellow,
seeing me in this trim, especially as I have lost part of my rigging;
but this here is the case, d'ye see: I weighed anchor from my own house
this morning, at ten A.M. with fair weather, and a favourable breeze
at south-south-east, being bound to the next church on the voyage of
matrimony: but howsomever, we had not run down a quarter of a league,
when the wind shifting, blowed directly in our teeth; so that we were
forced to tack all the way, d'ye see, and had almost been up within
sight of the port, when these sons-of-b--s of horses, which I had
bought but two days before (for my own part, I believe they are devils
incarnate), luffed round in a trice, and then, refusing the helm, drove
away like lightning with me and my lieutenant, who soon came to anchor
in an exceeding good berth. As for my own part, I have been carried over
rocks, and quicksands; among which I have pitched away a special good
tie-periwig, and an iron-bound hat; and at last, thank God! am got into
smooth water and safe riding; but if ever I venture my carcass upon such
a hare'um scare'um blood-of-a-b-- again, my name is not Hawser Trunnion,
d-- my eyes!”

One of the company, struck with this name, which he had often heard,
immediately laid hold on his declaration at the close of this singular
account, and, observing that his horses were very vicious, asked how he
intended to return. “As for that matter,” replied Mr. Trunnion, “I am
resolved to hire a sledge or waggon, or such a thing as a jackass; for
I'll be d--d if ever I cross the back of a horse again.”--“And what do
you propose to do with these creatures?” said the other, pointing to the
hunters; “they seem to have some mettle; but then they are mere colts,
and will take the devil-and-all of breaking: methinks this hinder one is
shoulder-slipped.”--“D-- them,” cried the commodore, “I wish both their
necks were broke, thof the two cost me forty good yellow-boys.”.-“Forty
guineas!” exclaimed the stranger, who was a squire and a jockey, as well
as owner of the pack, “Lord! Lord! how a man may be imposed upon!
Why, these cattle are clumsy enough to go to plough; mind what a flat
counter; do but observe how sharp this here one is in the withers;
then he's fired in the further fetlock.” In short, this connoisseur
in horse-flesh, having discovered in them all the defects which can
possibly be found in this species of animal, offered to give him ten
guineas for the two, saying he would convert them into beasts of burden.
The owner, who, after what had happened, was very well disposed to
listen to anything that was said to their prejudice, implicitly believed
the truth of the stranger's asseverations, discharged a furious volley
of oaths against the rascal who had taken him in, and forthwith struck
a bargain with the squire, who paid him instantly for his purchase; in
consequence of which he won the plate at the next Canterbury races.

This affair being transacted to the mutual satisfaction of both parties,
as well as to the general entertainment of the company, who laughed in
their sleeves at the dexterity of their friend, Trunnion was set upon
the squire's own horse, and led by his servant in the midst of this
cavalcade, which proceeded to a neighbouring village, where they had
bespoke dinner, and where our bridegroom found means to provide himself
with another hat and wig. With regard to his marriage, he bore his
disappointment with the temper of a philosopher; and the exercise he had
undergone having quickened his appetite, sat down at table in the midst
of his new acquaintance, making a very hearty meal, and moistening
every morsel with a draught of the ale, which he found very much to his
satisfaction.



CHAPTER IX.



He is found by Lieutenant--Reconducted to his own House--Married to Mrs.
Grizzle, who meets with a small misfortune in the Night, and asserts her
Prerogative next Morning, in consequence of which her Husband's Eye is
endangered.


Meanwhile Lieutenant Hatchway made shift to hobble to the church, where
he informed the company of what had happened to the commodore: and the
bride behaved with great decency on the occasion; for, as she understood
the danger to which her future husband was exposed, she fainted in the
arms of her sister-in-law, to the surprise of all the spectators,
who could not comprehend the cause of her disorder; and when she was
recovered by the application of smelling-bottles, earnestly begged that
Mr. Hatchway and Tom Pipes should take her brother's coach, and go in
quest of their commander.

This task they readily undertook, being escorted by all the rest of his
adherents on horseback; while the bride and her friends were invited to
the parson's horse, and the ceremony deferred till another occasion.

The lieutenant, steering his course as near the line of direction
in which Trunnion went off, as the coach-road would permit, got
intelligence of his track from one farm-house to another; for such an
apparition could not fail of attracting particular notice; and one of
the horsemen having picked up his hat and wig in a by-path, the whole
troop entered the village where he was lodged, about four o'clock in the
afternoon. When they understood he was safely housed at the George, they
rode up to the door in a body, and expressed their satisfaction in three
cheers; which were returned by the company within, as soon as they were
instructed in the nature of the salute by Trunnion, who, by this time,
had entered into all the jollity of his new friends, and was indeed more
than half-seas-over. The lieutenant was introduced to all present as his
sworn brother, and had something tossed up for his dinner. Tom Pipes and
the crew were regaled in another room; and, a fresh pair of horses being
put to the coach, about six in the evening the commodore, with all his
attendants, departed for the garrison, after having shook hands with
every individual in the house.

Without any further accident, he was conveyed in safety to his own
gate before nine, and committed to the care of Pipes, who carried him
instantly to his hammock, while the lieutenant was driven away to the
place where the bride and her friends remained in great anxiety,
which vanished when he assured them that his commodore was safe, being
succeeded by abundance of mirth and pleasantry at the account he gave of
Trunnion's adventure.

Another day was fixed for the nuptials; and in order to balk the
curiosity of idle people, which had given great offence, the parson was
prevailed upon to perform the ceremony in the garrison, which all
that day was adorned with flags and pendants displayed; and at night
illuminated, by the direction of Hatchway, who also ordered the
patereroes to be fired, as soon as the marriage-knot was tied. Neither
were the other parts of the entertainment neglected by this ingenious
contriver, who produced undeniable proofs of his elegance and art in
the wedding-supper, which had been committed to his management and
direction. This genial banquet was entirely composed of sea-dishes; a
huge pillaw, consisting of a large piece of beef sliced, a couple of
fowls, and half a peck of rice, smoked in the middle of the board: a
dish of hard fish, swimming in oil, appeared at each end; the sides
being furnished with a mess of that savoury composition known by the
name of lub's-course, and a plate of salmagundy. The second course
displayed a goose of a monstrous magnitude, flanked with two
Guinea-hens, a pig barbacued, a hock of salt pork, in the midst of
a pease-pudding, a leg of mutton roasted, with potatoes, and another
boiled, with yams. The third service was made up of a loin of fresh
pork, with apple-sauce, a kid smothered with onions, and a terrapin
baked in the shell; and last of all, a prodigious sea-pie was presented,
with an infinite volume of pancakes and fritters. That everything
might be answerable to the magnificence of this delicate feast, he had
provided vast quantifies of strong beer, flip, rumbo, and burnt brandy,
with plenty of Barbadoes water for the ladies; and hired all the fiddles
within six miles, which, with the addition of a drum, bagpipe, and Welsh
harp, regaled the guests with a most melodious concert.

The company, who were not at all exceptions, seemed extremely well
pleased with every particular of the entertainment; and the evening
being spent in the most social manner, the bride was by her sister
conducted to her apartment, where, however, a trifling circumstance had
like to have destroyed the harmony which had been hitherto maintained.

I have already observed, that there was not one standing bed within the
walls; therefore the reader will not wonder that Mrs. Trunnion was out
of humour, when she found herself under the necessity of being confined
with her spouse in a hammock, which, though enlarged with a double
portion of canvas, and dilated with a yoke for the occasion, was at
best but a disagreeable, not to say dangerous situation. She accordingly
complained with some warmth of this inconvenience, which she imputed
to disrespect; and, at first, absolutely refused to put up with the
expedient; but Mrs. Pickle soon brought her to reason and compliance,
by observing that one night will soon be elapsed, and next day she might
regulate her own economy.

Thus persuaded, she ventured into the vehicle, and was visited by her
husband in less than an hour, the company being departed to their own
homes, and the garrison left to the command of his lieutenant and mate.
But it seems the hooks that supported this swinging couch were not
calculated for the addition of weight which they were now destined to
bear; and therefore gave way in the middle of the night, to the no small
terror of Mrs. Trunnion, who perceiving herself falling, screamed aloud,
and by that exclamation brought Hatchway with a light into the chamber.
Though she had received no injury by the fall, she was extremely
discomposed and incensed at the accident, which she even openly ascribed
to the obstinacy and whimsical oddity of the commodore, in such petulant
terms as evidently declared that she thought her great aim accomplished,
and her authority secured against all the shocks of fortune. Indeed her
bedfellow seemed to be of the same opinion, by his tacit resignation;
for he made no reply to her insinuations, but with a most vinegar
aspect crawled out of his nest, and betook himself to rest in another
apartment; while his irritated spouse dismissed the lieutenant, and
from the wreck of the hammock made an occasional bed for herself on the
floor, fully determined to provide better accommodation for the next
night's lodging.

Having no inclination to sleep, her thoughts, during the remaining part
of the night, were engrossed by a scheme of reformation she was
resolved to execute in the family; and no sooner did the first lark
bid salutation to the morn, than, starting from her humble couch, and
huddling on her clothes, she sallied from her chamber, explored her
way through paths before unknown, and in the course of her researches
perceived a large bell, to which she made such effectual application
as alarmed every soul in the family. In a moment she was surrounded
by Hatchway, Pipes, and all the rest of the servants half-dressed; but
seeing none of the feminine gender appear, she began to storm at the
sloth and laziness of the maids, who, she observed, ought to have been
at work an hour at least before she called; and then, for the first
time, understood that no woman was permitted to sleep within the walls.

She did not fail to exclaim against this regulation; and being informed
that the cook and chambermaid lodged in a small office-house that stood
without the gate, ordered the drawbridge to be let down, and in person
beat up their quarters, commanding them forthwith to set about scouring
the rooms, which had not been hitherto kept in a very decent condition,
while two men were immediately employed to transport the bed on which
she used to lie from her brother's house to her new habitation; so that,
in less than two hours, the whole economy of the garrison was turned
topsy-turvy, and everything involved in tumult and noise. Trunnion,
being disturbed and distracted with the uproar, turned out in his shirt
like a maniac, and, arming himself with a cudgel of crab-tree, made
an irruption into his wife's apartment, where, perceiving a couple of
carpenters at work in joining a bedstead, he, with many dreadful oaths
and opprobrious invectives, ordered them to desist, swearing he would
suffer no bulkheads nor hurricane-houses to stand where he was master:
but finding his remonstrances disregarded by these mechanics, who
believed him to be some madman belonging to the family, who had broken
from his confinement, he assaulted them both with great fury and
indignation, and was handled so roughly, in the encounter, that in a
very short time he measured his length on the floor, in consequence of a
blow that he received from a hammer by which the sight of his remaining
eye was grievously endangered.

Having thus reduced him to a state of subjection, they resolved to
secure him with cords, and were actually busy in adjusting his fetters,
when he was exempted from the disgrace by the accidental entrance of his
spouse, who rescued him from the hands of his adversaries, and, in the
midst of her condolence, imputed his misfortune to the inconsiderate
roughness of his own disposition.

He breathed nothing but revenge, and made some efforts to chastise the
insolence of the workmen, who, as soon as they understood his quality,
asked forgiveness for what they had done with great humility, protesting
that they did not know he was master of the house. But, far from
being satisfied with this apology, he groped about for the bell, the
inflammation of his eye having utterly deprived him of sight; and the
rope being, by the precaution of the delinquents, conveyed out of his
reach, began to storm with incredible vociferation, like a lion roaring
in the toil, pouring forth innumerable oaths and execrations, and
calling by name Hatchway and Pipes, who, being within hearing, obeyed
the extraordinary summons, and were ordered to put the carpenters in
irons, for having audaciously assaulted him in his own house.

His myrmidons, seeing he had been evil-treated, were exasperated at the
insult he had suffered, which they considered as an affront upon the
dignity of the garrison; the more so as the mutineers seemed to put
themselves in a posture of defence and set their authority at defiance;
they therefore unsheathed their cutlasses, which they commonly wore
as badges of their commission; and a desperate engagement in all
probability would have ensued, had not the lady of the castle
interposed, and prevented the effects of their animosity, by assuring
the lieutenant that the commodore had been the aggressor, and that the
workmen, finding themselves attacked in such an extraordinary manner,
by a person whom they did not know, were obliged to act in their own
defence, by which he had received that unlucky contusion.

Mr. Hatchway no sooner learnt the sentiments of Mrs. Trunnion, than,
sheathing his indignation, he told the commodore he should always
be ready to execute his lawful commands; but that he could not in
conscience be concerned in oppressing poor people who had been guilty of
no offence.

This unexpected declaration, together with the behaviour of his wife,
who in his hearing desired the carpenters to resume their work, filled
the breast of Trunnion with rage and mortification. He pulled off his
woollen night-cap, pummeled his bare pate, beat the floor alternately
with his feet, swore his people had betrayed him, and cursed himself to
the lowest pit of hell for having admitted such a cockatrice into his
family. But all these exclamations did not avail; they were among the
last essays of his resistance to the will of his wife, whose influence
among his adherents had already swallowed up his own, and peremptorily
told him that he must leave the management of everything within-doors to
her, who understood best what was for his honour and advantage. She then
ordered a poultice to be prepared for his eye, which being applied, he
was committed to the care of Pipes, by whom he was led about the house
like a blind bear growling for prey, while his industrious yoke-fellow
executed every circumstance of the plan she had projected; so that when
he recovered his vision he was an utter stranger in his own house.



CHAPTER X.



The Commodore being in some cases restive, his Lady has recourse to
Artifice in the Establishment of her Throne--She exhibits Symptoms of
Pregnancy, to the unspeakable joy of Trunnion, who, nevertheless, is
balked in his expectation.


These innovations were not effected without many loud objections on
his part; and divers curious dialogues passed between him and his
yoke-fellow, who always came off victorious from the dispute; insomuch,
that his countenance gradually fell: he began to suppress, and at length
entirely devoured, his chagrin; the terrors of superior authority were
plainly perceivable in his features; and in less than three months
he became a thorough-paced husband. Not that his obstinacy was
extinguished, though overcome. In some things he was as inflexible and
mulish as ever; but then he durst not kick so openly, and was reduced
to the necessity of being passive in his resentments. Mrs. Trunnion, for
example, proposed that a coach and six should be purchased, as she could
not ride on horseback, and the chaise was a scandalous carriage for a
person of her condition. The commodore, conscious of his own inferior
capacity in point of reasoning, did not think proper to dispute the
proposal but lent a deaf ear to her repeated remonstrances, though
they were enforced with every argument which she thought could soothe,
terrify, shame or decoy him into compliance. In vain did she urge
the excess of affection she had for him as meriting some return of
tenderness and condescension: he was even proof against certain menacing
hints she gave touching the resentment of a slighted woman; and he stood
out against all the considerations of dignity or disgrace like a bulwark
of brass. Neither was he moved to any indecent or unkind expressions of
contradiction, even when she upbraided him with his sordid disposition,
and put him in mind of the fortune and honour he had acquired by his
marriage, but seemed to retire within himself, like a tortoise when
attacked, that shrinks within its shell, and silently endured the
scourge of her reproaches, without seeming sensible of the smart.

This, however, was the only point in which she had been baffled since
her nuptials; and as she could by no means digest the miscarriage, she
tortured her invention for some new plan by which she might augment
her influence and authority. What her genius refused was supplied by
accident; for she had not lived four months in the garrison, when
she was seized with frequent qualms and retchings; in a word, she
congratulated herself on the symptoms of her own fertility; and the
commodore was transported with joy at the prospect of an heir of his own
begetting.

She knew this was the proper season for vindicating her own sovereignty,
and accordingly employed the means which nature had put in her power.
There was not a rare piece of furniture or apparel for which she did not
long; and one day, as she went to church, seeing Lady Stately's equipage
arrive, she suddenly fainted away. Her husband, whose vanity had never
been so perfectly gratified as with this promised harvest of his own
sowing, took the alarm immediately; and in order to prevent relapses of
that kind, which might be attended with fatal consequence to his hope,
gave her leave to bespeak a coach, horses, and liveries, to her own
liking. Thus authorized, she in a very little time exhibited such a
specimen of her own taste and magnificence as afforded speculation to
the whole country, and made Trunnion's heart quake within him; because
he foresaw no limits to her extravagance which also manifested itself in
the most expensive preparations for her lying-in.

Her pride, which had hitherto regarded the representative of her
father's house, seemed now to lose all that hereditary respect, and
prompt her to outshine and undervalue the elder branch of her family.
She behaved to Mrs. Pickle with a sort of civil reserve that implied a
conscious superiority; and an emulation in point of grandeur immediately
commenced between the two sisters. She every day communicated her
importance to the whole parish, under pretence of taking the air in
her coach, and endeavoured to extend her acquaintance among people of
fashion. Nor was this an undertaking attended with great difficulty, for
all persons whatever capable of maintaining a certain appearance, will
always find admission into what is called the best company, and be
rated in point of character according to their own valuation, without
subjecting their pretensions to the smallest doubt or examination. In
all her visits and parties she seized every opportunity of declaring her
present condition, observing that she was forbid by her physicians to
taste such a pickle, and that such a dish was poison to a woman in her
way; nay, where she was on a footing of familiarity, she affected to
make wry faces, and complained that the young rogue began to be very
unruly, writhing herself into divers contortions, as if she had been
grievously incommoded by the mettle of this future Trunnion. The husband
himself did not behave with all the moderation that might have been
expected. At the club he frequently mentioned this circumstance of his
own vigour as a pretty successful feat to be performed by an old fellow
of fifty-five, and confirmed the opinion of his strength by redoubled
squeezes of the landlord's hand, which never failed of extorting a
satisfactory certificate of his might. When his companions drank to the
Hans en kelder, or Jack in the low cellar, he could not help displaying
an extraordinary complacence of countenance, and signified his intention
of sending the young dog to sea as soon as he should be able to carry a
cartridge, in hopes of seeing him an officer before his own death.

This hope helped to console him under the extraordinary expense to
which he was exposed by the profusion of his wife, especially when he
considered that his compliance with her prodigality would be limited to
the expiration of the nine months, of which the best part was by this
time elapsed: yet, in spite of all this philosophical resignation, her
fancy sometimes soared to such a ridiculous and intolerable pitch of
insolence and absurdity, that his temper forsook him, and he could
not help wishing in secret that her pride might be confounded in the
dissipation of her most flattering hopes, even though he himself should
be a principal sufferer by the disappointment. These, however, were no
other than the suggestions of temporary disgusts, that commonly subsided
as suddenly as they arose, and never gave the least disturbance to the
person who inspired them, because he took care to conceal them carefully
from her knowledge.

Meanwhile she happily advanced in her reckoning, with the promise of a
favourable issue: the term of her computation expired, and in the middle
of the night she was visited by certain warnings that seemed to bespeak
the approach of the critical moment. The commodore got up with great
alacrity, and called the midwife, who had been several days in the
house; the gossips were immediately summoned, and the most interesting
expectations prevailed; but the symptoms of labour gradually vanished,
and as the matrons sagely observed, this was no more than a false alarm.

Two nights after they received a second intimation, and as she was
sensibly diminished in the waist, everything was supposed to be in a
fair way; yet this visitation was not more conclusive than the former;
her pains wore off in spite of all her endeavours to encourage them,
and the good women betook themselves to their respective homes, in
expectation of finding the third attack decisive, alluding to the
well-known maxim, that “number three is always fortunate.” For once,
however, this apophthegm failed; the next call was altogether as
ineffectual as the former; and moreover, attended with a phenomenon
which to them was equally strange and inexplicable: this was no other
than such a reduction in the size of Mrs. Trunnion as might have been
expected after the birth of a full-grown child. Startled at such an
unaccountable event, they sat in close divan; and concluding that
the case was in all respects unnatural and prodigious, desired that a
messenger might be immediately despatched for some male practitioner in
the art of midwifery.

The commodore, without guessing the cause of her perplexity, ordered
Pipes immediately on this piece of duty, and in less than two hours
they were assisted by the advice of a surgeon of the neighbourhood,
who boldly affirmed that the patient had never been with child. This
asseveration was like a clap of thunder to Mr. Trunnion, who had been,
during eight whole days and nights, in continual expectation of being
hailed with the appellation of father.

After some recollection, he swore the surgeon was an ignorant fellow,
and that he would not take his word for what he advanced, being
comforted and confirmed in his want of faith by the insinuations of
the midwife, who still persisted to feed Mrs. Trunnion with hopes of a
speedy and safe delivery; observing that she had been concerned in many
a case of the same nature, where a fine child was found, even after all
signs of the mother's pregnancy had disappeared. Every twig of hope, how
slender soever it may be, is eagerly caught hold on by people who find
themselves in danger of being disappointed. To every question proposed
by her to the lady, with the preambles of “Han't you?” or “Don't you?”
 answer was made in the affirmative, whether agreeable to truth or not,
because the respondent could not find in her heart to disown any symptom
that might favour the notion she had so long indulged.

This experienced proficient in the obstetric art was therefore kept in
close attendance for the space of three weeks, during which the patient
had several returns of what she pleased herself with believing to be
labour pains, till at length, she and her husband became the standing
joke of the parish; and this infatuated couple could scarce be prevailed
upon to part with their hope, even when she appeared as lank as a
greyhound, and they were furnished with other unquestionable proofs of
their having been deceived. But they could not for ever remain under
the influence of this sweet delusion, which at last faded away, and was
succeeded by a paroxysm of shame and confusion, that kept the husband
within-doors for the space of a whole fortnight, and confined his lady
to her bed for a series of weeks, during which she suffered all the
anguish of the most intense mortification; yet even this was subdued by
the lenient hand of time.

The first respite from her chagrin was employed in the strict discharge
of what are called the duties of religion, which she performed with
the most rancorous severity, setting on foot a persecution in her own
family, that made the house too hot for all the menial servants, even
ruffled the almost invincible indifference of Tom Pipes, harassed the
commodore himself out of all patience, and spared no individual but
Lieutenant Hatchway, whom she never ventured to disoblige.



CHAPTER XI.



Mrs. Trunnion erects a Tyranny in the Garrison, while her Husband
conceives an affection for his Nephew Perry, who manifests a peculiarity
of disposition even in his tender years.


Having exercised herself three months in such pious amusements, she
appeared again in the world; but her misfortune had made such an
impression on her mind, that she could not bear the sight of a child,
and trembled whenever conversation happened to turn upon a christening.
Her temper, which was naturally none of the sweetest, seemed to have
imbibed a double proportion of souring from her disappointment; of
consequence, her company was not much coveted, and she found very few
people disposed to treat her with those marks of consideration which she
looked upon as her due. This neglect detached her from the society of an
unmannerly world; she concentrated the energy of all her talents in
the government of her own house, which groaned accordingly under her
arbitrary sway; and in the brandy-bottle found ample consolation for all
the affliction she had undergone.

As for the commodore, he in a little time weathered his disgrace, after
having sustained many severe jokes from the lieutenant, and now his
chief aim being to be absent from his own house as much as possible, he
frequented the public-house more than ever, more assiduously cultivated
the friendship of his brother-in-law, Mr. Pickle, and in the course of
their intimacy conceived an affection for his nephew Perry, which did
not end but with his life. Indeed it must be owned that Trunnion was
not naturally deficient in the social passions of the soul, which though
they were strangely warped, disguised, and overborne by the circumstance
of his boisterous life and education, did not fail to manifest
themselves occasionally through the whole course of his behaviour.

As all the hopes of propagating his own name had perished, and his
relations lay under the interdiction of his hate, it is no wonder that
through the familiarity and friendly intercourse subsisting between him
and Mr. Gamaliel, he contracted a liking for the boy, who by this time
entered the third year of his age, and was indeed a very handsome,
healthy, and promising child; and what seemed to ingratiate him still
more with his uncle, was a certain oddity of disposition, for which he
had been remarkable even from his cradle. It is reported of him, that
before the first year of his infancy was elapsed, he used very often,
immediately after being dressed, in the midst of the caresses which
were bestowed upon him by his mother, while she indulged herself in the
contemplation of her own happiness, all of a sudden to alarm her with
a fit of shrieks and cries, which continued with great violence till
he was stripped to the skin with the utmost expedition by order of
his affrighted parent, who thought his tender body was tortured by the
misapplication of some unlucky pill; and when he had given them all this
disturbance and unnecessary trouble, he would lie sprawling and laughing
in their faces, as if he ridiculed the impertinence of their concern.
Nay, it is affirmed, that one day, when an old woman who attended in the
nursery had by stealth conveyed a bottle of cordial waters to her mouth,
he pulled his nurse by the sleeve, by a slight glance detected the
theft, and tipped her the wink with a particular slyness of countenance,
as if he had said, with a sneer, “Ay, ay, that is what you must all come
to.” But these instances of reflection in a babe nine months old are
so incredible, that I look upon them as observations, founded upon
imaginary recollection, when he was in a more advanced age, and his
peculiarities of temper became much more remarkable; of a piece with
the ingenious discoveries of those sagacious observers, who can
discern something evidently characteristic in the features of any noted
personage whose character they have previously heard explained. Yet
without pretending to specify at what period of his childhood this
singularity first appeared, I can with great truth declare, that when
he first attracted the notice and affection of his uncle, it was plainly
perceivable.

One would imagine he had marked out the commodore as a proper object of
ridicule, for almost all his little childish satire was leveled
against him. I will not deny that he might have been influenced in this
particular by the example and instruction of Mr. Hatchway, who delighted
in superintending the first essays of his genius. As the gout had taken
up its residence in Mr. Trunnion's great toe, from whence it never
removed, no not for a day, little Perry took great pleasure in treading
by accident on this infirm member; and when his uncle, incensed by the
pain, used to damn him for a hell-begotten brat, he would appease him in
a twinkling, by returning the curse with equal emphasis, and asking
what was the matter with old Hannibal Tough? an appellation by which the
lieutenant had taught him to distinguish this grim commander.

Neither was this the only experiment he tried upon the patience of the
commodore, with whose nose he used to take indecent freedoms, even.
while he was fondled on his knee. In one month he put him to the
expense of two guineas in seal-skin; by picking his pocket of divers
tobacco-pouches, all of which he in secret committed to the flames. Nor
did the caprice of his disposition abstain from the favourite beverage
of Trunnion, who more than once swallowed a whole draught in which
his brother's snuff-box had been emptied, before he perceived the
disagreeable infusion; and one day, when the commodore had chastised him
by a gentle tap with his cane, he fell flat on the floor as if he had
been deprived of all sense and motion, to the terror and amazement of
the striker; and after having filled the whole house with confusion and
dismay, opened his eyes, and laughed heartily at the success of his own
imposition.

It would be an endless and perhaps no very agreeable task, to enumerate
all the unlucky pranks he played upon his uncle and others, before he
attained the fourth year of his age; about which time he was sent, with
an attendant, to a day-school in the neighbourhood, that (to use his
good mother's own expression) he might be out of harm's way. Here,
however, he made little progress, except in mischief, which he practised
with impunity, because the school-mistress would run no risk of
disobliging a lady of fortune, by exercising unnecessary severities upon
her only child. Nevertheless, Mrs. Pickle was not so blindly partial as
to be pleased with such unseasonable indulgence. Perry was taken out of
the hands of this courteous teacher, and committed to the instruction
of a pedagogue, who was ordered to administer such correction as the boy
should in his opinion deserve. This authority he did not neglect to
use, his pupil was regularly flogged twice a day; and after having been
subjected to this course of discipline for the space of eighteen months,
declared the most obstinate, dull, and untoward genius that ever had
fallen under his cultivation; instead of being reformed, he seemed
rather hardened and confirmed in his vicious inclinations, and was dead
to all sense of fear as well as shame.

His mother was extremely mortified at these symptoms of stupidity, which
she considered as an inheritance derived from the spirit of his father,
and consequently insurmountable by all the efforts of human care.
But the commodore rejoiced over the ruggedness of his nature, and was
particularly pleased when, upon inquiry, he found that Perry had beaten
all the boys in the school; a circumstance from which he prognosticated
everything that was fair and fortunate in his future fate: observing,
that at his age he himself was just such another. The boy, who was
now turned of six, having profited so little under the birch of
his unsparing governor, Mrs. Pickle was counselled to send him to a
boarding-school not far from London, which was kept by a certain person
very eminent for his successful method of education. This advice she the
more readily embraced, because at that time she found herself pretty
far gone with another child that she hoped would console her for the
disappointment she had met with in the unpromising talents of Perry,
or at any rate divide her concern, so as to enable her to endure the
absence of either.



CHAPTER XII.



Peregrine is sent to a boarding-school--Becomes remarkable for his
Genius and Ambition.


The commodore, understanding her determination, to which her husband did
not venture to make the least objection, interested himself so much
in behalf of his favourite, as to fit him out at his own charge, and
accompany him in person to the place of his destination; where he
defrayed the expense of his entrance, and left him to the particular
care and inspection of the usher, who having been recommended to him
as a person of parts and integrity, received per advance a handsome
consideration for the task he undertook.

Nothing could be better judged than this piece of liberality; the
assistant was actually a man of learning, probity, and good sense; and
though obliged by the scandalous administration of fortune to act in
the character of an inferior teacher, had, by his sole capacity and
application, brought the school to that degree of reputation, which
it never could have obtained from the talents of its superior. He had
established an economy, which, though regular, was not at all severe,
by enacting a body of laws suited to the age and comprehension of every
individual; and each transgressor was fairly tried by his peers, and
punished according to the verdict of the jury. No boy was scourged for
want of apprehension, but a spirit of emulation was raised by well-timed
praise and artful comparison, and maintained by a distribution of small
prizes, which were adjudged to those who signalized themselves either by
their industry, sobriety, or genius.

This tutor, whose name was Jennings, began with Perry, according to his
constant maxim, by examining the soil; that is, studying his temper,
in order to consult the bias of his disposition, which was strangely
perverted by the absurd discipline he had undergone. He found him in a
state of sullen insensibility, which the child had gradually contracted
in a long course of stupefying correction; and at first he was not in
the least actuated by that commendation which animated the rest of
his school-fellows; nor was it in the power of reproach to excite his
ambition, which had been buried, as it were, in the grave of disgrace;
the usher, therefore, had recourse to contemptuous neglect, with
which he affected to treat this stubborn spirit; foreseeing that if he
retained any seeds of sentiment, this weather would infallibly raise
them into vegetation; his judgment was justified by the event; the boy
in a little time began to make observations; he perceived the marks
of distinction with which virtue was rewarded, grew ashamed of the
despicable figure he himself made among his companions, who, far from
courting, rather shunned his conversation, and actually pined at his own
want of importance.

Mr. Jennings saw and rejoiced at his mortification, which he suffered
to proceed as far as possible, without endangering his health. The child
lost all relish for diversion, loathed his food, grew pensive, solitary,
and was frequently found weeping by himself. These symptoms plainly
evinced the recovery of his feelings, to which his governor thought it
now high time to make application; and therefore by little and little
altered his behaviour from the indifference he had put on, to the
appearance of more regard and attention. This produced a favourable
change in the boy, whose eyes sparkled with satisfaction one day, when
his master expressed himself, with a show of surprise, in these words:
“So, Perry! I find you don't want genius, when you think proper to
use it.” Such encomiums kindled the spirit of emulation in his little
breast; he exerted himself with surprising alacrity, by which he soon
acquitted himself of the imputation of dullness, and obtained sundry
honorary silver pennies, as acknowledgments of his application; his
school-fellows now solicited his friendship as eagerly as they had
avoided it before; and in less than a twelvemonth after his arrival,
this supposed dunce was remarkable for the brightness of his parts;
having in that short period learnt to read English perfectly well, made
great progress in writing, enabled himself to speak the French language
without hesitation, and acquired some knowledge in the rudiments of
the Latin tongue. The usher did not fail to transmit an account of
his proficiency to the commodore, who received it with transport, and
forthwith communicated the happy tidings to the parents.

Mr. Gamaliel Pickle, who was never subject to violent emotions, heard
them with a sort of phlegmatic satisfaction, that scarce manifested
itself either in his countenance or expressions; nor did the child's
mother break forth into that rapture and admiration which might
have been expected, when she understood how much the talents of her
first-born had exceeded the hope of her warmest imagination. Not but
that she professed herself well pleased with Perry's reputation;
though she observed that in these commendations the truth was always
exaggerated by schoolmasters, for their own interest; and pretended to
wonder that the usher had not mingled more probability with his
praise. Trunnion was offended at her indifference and want of faith
and believing that she refined too much in her discernment, swore that
Jennings had declared the truth, and nothing but the truth; for he
himself had prophesied, from the beginning, that the boy would turn out
a credit to his family. But by this time Mrs. Pickle was blessed with
a daughter, whom she had brought into the world about six months before
the intelligence arrived; so that her care and affection being otherwise
engrossed, the praise of Perry was the less greedily devoured. The
abatement of her fondness was an advantage to his education, which would
have been retarded, and perhaps ruined, by pernicious indulgence, and
preposterous interposition, had her love considered him as an only
child; whereas her concern being now diverted to another object,
that shared, at least, one-half of her affection, he was left to the
management of his preceptor, who tutored him according to his own
plan, without any let or interruption. Indeed all his sagacity and
circumspection were but barely sufficient to keep the young gentleman
in order; for now that he had won the palm of victory from his rivals in
point of scholarship, his ambition dilated, and he was seized with the
desire of subjecting the whole school by the valour of his arm. Before
he could bring his project to bear, innumerable battles were fought with
various success; every day a bloody nose and complaint were presented
against him, and his own visage commonly bore some livid marks of
obstinate contention. At length, however, he accomplished his aim; his
adversaries were subdued, his prowess acknowledged, and he obtained the
laurel in war as well as in wit. Thus triumphant, he was intoxicated
with success: his pride rose in proportion to his power and, in spite
of all the endeavours of Jennings, who practised every method he could
invent for curbing his licentious conduct, without depressing his
spirit, he contracted a large proportion of insolence, which series of
misfortunes that happened to him in the sequel could scarce effectually
tame. Nevertheless there was a fund of good nature and generosity in his
composition; and though he established a tyranny among his comrades, the
tranquility of his reign was maintained by the love rather than by the
fear of his subjects.

In the midst of all this enjoyment of empire he never once violated that
respectful awe with which the usher had found means to inspire him; but
he by no means preserved the same regard for the principal master, an
old illiterate German quack, who had formerly practised corn-cutting
among the quality, and sold cosmetic washes to the ladies, together with
teeth-powders, hair-dyeing liquors, prolific elixirs, and tinctures to
sweeten the breath. These nostrums, recommended by the art of cringing,
in which he was consummate, ingratiated him so much with people of
fashion, that he was enabled to set up school with five-and-twenty boys
of the best families, whom he boarded on his own terms and undertook to
instruct in the French and Latin languages, so as to qualify them
for the colleges of Westminster and Eton. While this plan was in its
infancy, he was so fortunate as to meet with Jennings, who, for the
paltry consideration of thirty pounds a year, which his necessities
compelled him to accept, took the whole trouble of educating the
children upon himself, contrived an excellent system for that purpose,
and, by his assiduity and knowledge, executed all the particulars to the
entire satisfaction of those concerned, who, by the bye, never inquired
into his qualifications, but suffered the other to enjoy the fruits of
his labour and ingenuity.

Over and above a large stock of avarice, ignorance, and vanity, this
superior had certain ridiculous peculiarities in his person, such as
a hunch upon his back, and distorted limbs, that seemed to attract the
satirical notice of Peregrine, who, young as he was, took offence at
his want of reverence for his usher, over whom he sometimes chose
opportunities of displaying his authority, that the boys might not
misplace their veneration. Mr. Keypstick, therefore, such as I
have described him, incurred the contempt and displeasure of this
enterprising pupil, who now being in the tenth year of his age, had
capacity enough to give him abundance of vexation. He underwent many
mortifying jokes front the invention of Pickle and his confederates; so
that he began to entertain suspicion of Mr. Jennings, who he could
not help thinking had been at the bottom of them all, and spirited up
principles of rebellion in the school, with a view of making himself
independent. Possessed with this chimera, which was void of all
foundation, the German descended so low as to tamper in private with the
boys, from whom he hoped to draw some very important discovery; but he
was disappointed in his expectations; and this mean practice reaching
the ears of his usher, he voluntarily resigned his employment. Finding
interest to obtain holy orders in a little time after, he left
the kingdom, hoping to find a settlement in some of our American
plantations.

The departure of Mr. Jennings produced a great revolution in the affairs
of Keypstick, which declined from that moment, because he had neither
authority to enforce obedience, nor prudence to maintain order among his
scholars: so that the school degenerated into anarchy and confusion, and
he himself dwindled in the opinion of his employers, who looked upon him
as superannuated, and withdrew their children front his tuition.

Peregrine seeing this dissolution of their society, and finding himself
every day deprived of some companion, began to repine at his situation,
and resolved, if possible, to procure his release from the jurisdiction
of the person whom he both detested and despised. With this view he went
to work, and composed the following billet, addressed to the commodore,
which was the first specimen of his composition in the epistolary way:--

    “Honoured and Loving Uncle,--Hoping you are in good health,
    this serves to inform you, that Mr. Jennings is gone, and
    Mr. Keypstick will never meet with his fellow. The school
    is already almost broke up, and the rest daily going away;
    and I beg of you of all love to have me fetched away also,
    for I cannot bear to be any longer under one who is a perfect
    ignoramus, who scarce knows the declination of musa, and is
    more fit to be a scarecrow than a schoolmaster; hoping you
    will send for me soon, with my love to my aunt, and my duty
    to my honoured parents, craving their blessing and yours. And
    this is all at present from, honoured uncle, your well-beloved
    and dutiful nephew and godson, and humble servant to command
    till death,
                             “Peregrine Pickle.”


Trunnion was overjoyed at the receipt of this letter, which he looked
upon as one of the greatest efforts of human genius, and as such
communicated the contents to his lady, whom he had disturbed for the
purpose in the middle of her devotion, by sending a message to her
closet, whither it was her custom very frequently to retire. She was
out of humour at being interrupted, and therefore did not peruse this
specimen of her nephew's understanding with all the relish that the
commodore himself had enjoyed; on the contrary, after sundry paralytical
endeavours to speak (for her tongue sometimes refused its office), she
observed that the boy was a pert jackanapes, and deserved to be severely
chastised for treating his betters with such disrespect. Her husband
undertook his godson's defence, representing with great warmth that he
knew Keypstick to be a good-for-nothing pimping old rascal, and that
Perry showed a great deal of spirit and good sense in desiring to be
taken from under his command; he therefore declared that the boy
should not live a week longer with such a shambling son of a b--, and
sanctioned this declaration with abundance of oaths.

Mrs. Trunnion, composing her countenance into a look of religious
demureness, rebuked him for his profane way of talking; and asked, in
a magisterial tone, if he intended never to lay aside that brutal
behaviour. Irritated at this reproach, he answered, in terms of
indignation, that he knew how to behave himself as well as e'er a woman
that wore a head, bade her mind her affairs, and with another repetition
of oaths gave her to understand that he would be master in his own
house.

The insinuation operated upon her spirits like friction upon a glass
globe: her face gleamed with resentment, and every pore seemed to emit
particles of flame. She replied with incredible fluency of the bitterest
expressions: he retorted equal rage in broken hints and incoherent
imprecations: she rejoined with redoubled fury; and in conclusion he was
fain to betake himself to flight, ejaculating curses against her; and
muttering something concerning the brandy-bottle, which, however, he
took care should never reach her ears.

From his own house he went directly to visit Mrs. Pickle, to whom
he imparted Peregrine's epistle, with many encomiums upon the boy's
promising parts: and, finding his commendations but coolly received,
desired she would permit him to take his godson under his own care.

This lady, whose family was now increased by another son, who seemed to
engross her care for the present, had not seen Perry during a course
of four years, and, with regard to him, was perfectly weaned of
that infirmity known by the name of maternal fondness: she therefore
consented to the commodore's request with great condescension, and a
polite compliment to him on the concern he had all along manifested for
the welfare of the child.



CHAPTER XIII.



The Commodore takes Peregrine under his own care--The Boy arrives at
the Garrison--Is strangely received by his own Mother--Enters into a
Confederacy with Hatchway and Pipes, and executes a couple of waggish
Enterprises upon his Aunt.


Trunnion having obtained this permission, that very afternoon despatched
the lieutenant in a post-chaise to Keypstick's house, from whence in two
days he returned with our young hero, who being now in the eleventh
year of his age, had outgrown the expectation of all his family, and was
remarkable for the beauty and elegance of his person. His godfather was
transported at his arrival, as if he had been actually the issue of
his own loins: he shook him heartily by the hand, turned him round and
round, surveyed him from top to bottom, bade Hatchway take notice how
handsomely he was built; and squeezed his hand again, saying,--“D-- ye,
you dog, I suppose you don't value such an old crazy son of a b-- as me
a rope's end. You have forgot how I was wont to dandle you on my knee,
when you was a little urchin no bigger than a davit, and played a
thousand tricks upon me, burning my 'bacco-pouches and poisoning my
rumbo. O! d-- ye, you can grin fast enough I see; I warrant you have
learnt more things than writing and the Latin lingo.”

Even Tom Pipes expressed uncommon satisfaction on this joyful occasion;
and, coming up to Perry, thrust forth his fore paw, and accosted him
with the salutation of “What cheer, my young master? I am glad to see
thee with all my heart.” These compliments being passed, his uncle
halted to the door of his wife's chamber, at which he stood hallooing,
“Here's your kinsman, Perry: belike you won't come and bid him
welcome.”--“Lord, Mr. Trunnion,” said she, “why will you continually
harass me in this manner with your impertinent intrusion?”--“I harrow
you!” replied the commodore: “'sblood! I believe your upper works are
damaged: I only came to inform you that here was your cousin, whom you
have not seen these four long years; and I'll be d--d if there is such
another of his age within the king's dominions, d'ye see, either for
make or mettle: he's a credit to the name, d'ye see: but, d-- my eyes,
I'll say no more of the matter: if you come, you may; if you won't,
you may let it alone.”--“Well, I won't come, then,” answered his
yoke-fellow, “for I am at present more agreeably employed.”--“Oho!
you are. I believe so too,” cried the commodore, making wry faces and
mimicking the action of dram-drinking. Then, addressing himself to
Hatchway, “Prithee, Jack,” said he, “go and try thy skill on that
stubborn hulk: if anybody can bring her about, I know you wool.”

The lieutenant accordingly, taking his station at the door, conveyed
his persuasion in these words: “What, won't you turn out and hail little
Perry? It will do your heart good to see such a handsome young dog; I'm
sure he is the very moral of you, and as like as if he had been spit out
of your own mouth, as the saying is: do show a little respect for your
kinsman, can't you?” To this remonstrance she replied, in a mild tone of
voice, “Dear Mr. Hatchway, you are always teasing one in such a manner:
sure I am, nobody can tax me with unkindness, or want of natural
affection.” So saying, she opened the door, and, advancing to the hall
where her nephew stood, received him very graciously and observed that
he was the very image of her papa.

In the afternoon he was conducted by the commodore to the house of his
parents; and, strange to tell, no sooner was he presented to his mother,
than her countenance changed, she eyed him with tokens of affliction and
surprise, and, bursting into tears, exclaimed her child was dead, and
this was no other than an impostor whom they had brought to defraud her
sorrow. Trunnion was confounded at this unaccountable passion, which had
no other foundation than caprice and whim; and Gamaliel himself was so
disconcerted and unsettled in his own belief, which began to waver,
that he knew not how to behave towards the boy, whom his godfather
immediately carried back to the garrison, swearing all the way that
Perry should never cross their threshold again with his good-will. Nay,
so much was he incensed at this unnatural and absurd renunciation, that
he refused to carry on any further correspondence with Pickle, until he
was appeased by his solicitations and submission, and Peregrine owned as
his son and heir. But this acknowledgment was made without the privity
of his wife, whose vicious aversion he was obliged, in appearance, to
adopt. Thus exiled from his father's house, the young gentleman was left
entirely to the disposal of the commodore, whose affection for him daily
increased, insomuch that he could scarcely prevail upon himself to
part with him, when his education absolutely required that he should be
otherwise disposed of.

In all probability, this extraordinary attachment was, if not produced,
at least riveted by that peculiar turn in Peregrine's imagination, which
we have already observed; and which, during his residence in the castle,
appeared in sundry stratagems he practised upon his uncle and aunt,
under the auspices of Mr. Hatchway who assisted him in the contrivance
and execution of all his schemes. Nor was Pipes exempted from a share in
their undertakings; for, being a trusty fellow, not without dexterity
in some cases, and altogether resigned to their will, they found him a
serviceable instrument for their purpose, and used him accordingly.

The first sample of their art was exhibited upon Mrs. Trunnion. They
terrified that good lady with strange noises when she retired to her
devotion. Pipes was a natural genius in the composition of discords: he
could imitate the sound produced by the winding of a jack, the filing
of a saw, and the swinging of a malefactor hanging in chains; he could
counterfeit the braying of an ass, the screeching of a night-owl, the
caterwauling of cats, the howling of a dog, the squeaking of a pig,
the crowing of a cock; and he had learned the war-whoop uttered by the
Indians in North America. These talents were exerted successively,
at different times and places, to the terror of Mrs. Trunnion, the
discomposure of the commodore himself, and the consternation of all
the servants in the castle. Peregrine, with a sheet over his clothes,
sometimes tumbled before his aunt in the twilight, when her organs of
vision were a little impaired by the cordial she had swallowed; and the
boatswain's mate taught him to shoe cats with walnut-shells, so that
they made a most dreadful clattering in their nocturnal excursions.

The mind of Mrs. Trunnion was not a little disturbed by these alarms,
which, in her opinion, portended the death of some principal person in
the family; she redoubled her religious exercises, and fortified her
spirits with fresh potations; nay, she began to take notice that Mr.
Trunnion's constitution was very much broken, and seemed dissatisfied
when people observed that they never saw him look better. Her frequent
visits to the closet, where all her consolation was deposited, inspired
the confederates with a device which had like to have been attended with
tragical consequences. They found an opportunity to infuse jalap in one
of her case-bottles; and she took so largely of this medicine, that her
constitution had well nigh sunk under the violence of its effect. She
suffered a succession of fainting fits that reduced her to the brink
of the grave, in spite of all the remedies that were administered by a
physician, who was called in the beginning of her disorder.

After having examined the symptoms, he declared that the patient had
been poisoned with arsenic, and prescribed only draughts and lubricating
injections, to defend the coats of the stomach and intestines from
the vellicating particles of that pernicious mineral; at the same time
hinting, with a look of infinite sagacity, that it was not difficult to
divine the whole mystery. He affected to deplore the poor lady, as if
she was exposed to more attempts of the same nature; thereby glancing
obliquely at the innocent commodore, whom the officious son of
Aesculapius suspected as the author of this expedient, to rid his hands
of a yoke-fellow for whom he was well known to have no great devotion.
This impertinent and malicious insinuation made some impression upon the
bystanders, and furnished ample field for slander to asperse the morals
of Trunnion, who was represented through the whole district as a monster
of barbarity. Nay, the sufferer herself, though she behaved with great
decency and prudence, could not help entertaining some small diffidence
of her husband; not that she imagined he had any design upon her life,
but that he had been at pains to adulterate the brandy with a view of
detaching her from that favourite liquor.

On this supposition, she resolved to act with more caution for the
future, without setting on foot any inquiry about the affair; while the
commodore, imputing her indisposition to some natural cause, after the
danger was past, never bestowed a thought upon the subject; so that the
perpetrators were quit of their fear, which, however, had punished them
so effectually, that they never would hazard any more jokes of the same
nature.

The shafts of their wit were now directed against the commander himself,
whom they teased and terrified almost out of his senses. One day, while
he was at dinner, Pipes came and told him that there was a person
below that wanted to speak with him immediately, about an affair of the
greatest importance, that would admit of no delay; upon which he ordered
the stranger to be told that he was engaged, and that he must send up
his name and business. To this demand he received for answer a message
importing that the person's name was unknown to him, and his business
of such a nature, that it could not be disclosed to any one but the
commodore himself, whom he earnestly desired to see without loss of
time.

Trunnion, surprised at this importunity, got up with great reluctance,
in the middle of his meal, and descending to a parlour where the
stranger was, asked him, in a surly tone, what he wanted with him in
such a d--d hurry, that he could not wait till he had made an end of his
mess? The other, not at all disconcerted at this rough address, advanced
close up to him on his tiptoes, and, with a look of confidence and
conceit, laying his mouth to one side of the commodore's head, whispered
softly in his car, “Sir, I am the attorney whom you wanted to converse
with in private.”--“The attorney?” cried Trunnion, staring, and
half-choked with choler. “Yes, sir, at your service,” replied this
retainer of the law; “and, if you please, the sooner we despatch the
affair the better; for 'tis an old observation, that delay breeds
danger.”--“Truly, brother,” said the commodore, who could no longer
contain himself, “I do confess that I am very much of your way of
thinking, d'ye see, and therefore you shall be despatched in a trice.”
 So saying, he lifted up his walking-staff, which was something between
a crutch and a cudgel, and discharged it with such energy on the seat of
the attorney's understanding, that if there had been anything but solid
bone, the contents of his skull must have been evacuated.

Fortified as he was by nature against all such assaults, he could not
withstand the momentum of the blow, which in an instant laid him flat
on the floor, deprived of all sense and motion; and Trunnion hopped
upstairs to dinner, applauding himself in ejaculations all the way for
the vengeance he had taken on such an impudent pettifogging miscreant.

The attorney no sooner awaked from his trance, into which he had been so
unexpectedly killed, than he cast his eyes around in quest of evidence,
by which he might be enabled the more easily to prove the injury he had
sustained, but not a soul appearing, he made shift to get upon his legs
again, and, with the blood trickling over his nose, followed one of the
servants into the dining-room, resolved to come to an explanation with
the assailant, and either extort money from him by way of satisfaction,
or provoke him to a second application before witnesses. With this
view, he entered the room in a peal of clamour, to the amazement of all
present, and the terror of Mrs. Trunnion, who shrieked at the appearance
of such a spectacle; and addressing himself to the commodore, “I'll
tell you what, sir,” said he; “if there be law in England, I'll make you
smart for this here assault.” You think you have screened yourself from
a prosecution by sending all your servants out of the way; but that
circumstance will appear upon trial to be a plain proof of the malice
prepense with which the fact was committed; especially when corroborated
by the evidence of this here letter, under your own hand, whereby I am
desired to come to your own house to transact an affair of consequence.
So he produced the writing, and read the contents in these words:--

                 “Mr. Roger Ravine.
    Sir,--Being in a manner prisoner in my own house, I desire
    you will give me a call precisely at three o'clock in the
    afternoon, and insist upon seeing myself, as I have an affair
    of great consequence, in which your particular advice is
    wanted by your humble servant,
                                   “Hawser Trunnion.”


The one-eyed commander, who had been satisfied with the chastisement he
had already bestowed upon the plaintiff, hearing him read this audacious
piece of forgery, which he considered as the effect of his own villainy,
started up from table, and seizing a huge turkey that lay in a dish
before him, would have applied it, sauce and all, by way of poultice, to
his wound, had he not been restrained by Hatchway, who laid fast hold on
both his arms, and fixed him to his chair again, advising the attorney
to sheer off with what he had got. Far from following this salutary
counsel, he redoubled his threats: set Trunnion at defiance, telling him
he not a man of true courage, although he had commanded a ship of war,
or else he would not have attacked any person in such a cowardly and
clandestine manner. This provocation would have answered his purpose
effectually, had not his adversary's indignation been repressed by the
suggestions of the lieutenant, who desired his friend, in a whisper, to
be easy, for he would take care to have the attorney tossed in a
blanket for his presumption. This proposal, which he received with
great approbation, pacified him in a moment: he wiped the sweat from his
forehead, and his features relaxed into a grim smile.

Hatchway disappeared; and Ravine proceeded with great fluency of abuse,
until he was interrupted by the arrival of Pipes, who, without any
expostulation, led him out by the hand, and conducted him to the yard,
where he was put into a carpet, and in a twinkling sent into the air by
the strength and dexterity of five stout operators, whom the lieutenant
had selected from the number of domestics for that singular spell of
duty.

In vain did the astonished vaulter beg, for the love of God, that they
would take pity upon him, and put an end to his involuntary gambols:
they were deaf to his prayers and protestations, even when he swore,
in the most solemn manner, that if they would cease tormenting him, he
would forget and forgive what was past, and depart in peace to his own
habitation; and continued the game till they were fatigued with the
exercise.

Ravine being dismissed in a most melancholy plight, brought an action
of assault and battery against the commodore, and subpoenaed all the
servants as evidences in the cause; but as none of them had seen what
happened, he did not find his account in the prosecution, though he
himself examined all the witnesses, and, among their questions, asked,
whether they had not seen him come in like another man? and whether they
had ever seen any other man in such condition as that in which he
had crawled off. But this last interrogation they were not obliged
to answer, because it had reference to the second discipline he had
undergone, in which they, and they only, were concerned; and no person
is bound to give testimony against himself.

In short, the attorney was nonsuited, to the satisfaction of all who
knew him, and found himself under the necessity of proving that he had
received, in course of post, the letter which was declared in court a
scandalous forgery, in order to prevent an indictment with which he was
threatened by the commodore, who little dreamt that the whole affair had
been planned and executed by Peregrine and his associates.

The next enterprise in which this triumvirate engaged, was a scheme to
frighten Trunnion with an apparition, which they prepared and exhibited
in this manner: to the hide of a large ox, Pipes fitted a leathern vizor
of a most terrible appearance, stretched on the jaws of a shark, which
he had brought from sea, and accommodated with a couple of broad glasses
instead of eyes. On the inside of these he placed two rushlights, and,
with a composition of sulphur and saltpetre, made a pretty large fusee,
which he fixed between two rows of the teeth. This equipage being
finished, he, one dark night chosen for the purpose, put it on, and,
following the commodore into a long passage, in which he was preceded by
Perry with a light in his hand, kindled his firework with a match, and
began to bellow like a bull. The boy, as it was concerted, looked behind
him, screamed aloud, and dropped the light, which was extinguished
in the fall; when Trunnion, alarmed at his nephew's consternation,
exclaimed, “Zounds! what's the matter?” and turning about to see the
cause of his dismay, beheld a hideous phantom vomiting blue flame, which
aggravated the horrors of its aspect. He was instantly seized with an
agony of fear, which divested him of his reason: nevertheless, he, as it
were mechanically, raised his trusty supporter in his own defence,
and, the apparition advancing towards him, aimed it at this dreadful
annoyance with such a convulsive exertion of strength, that had not the
blow chanced to light upon one of the horns Mr. Pipes would have had no
cause to value himself upon his invention. Misapplied as it was, he did
not fail to stagger at the shock; and, dreading another such salutation,
closed with the commodore, and having tripped up his heels, retreated
with great expedition.

It was then that Peregrine, pretending to recollect himself a little,
ran, with all the marks of disturbance and affright, and called up the
servants to the assistance of their master, whom they found in a cold
sweat upon the floor, his features betokening horror and confusion.
Hatchway raised him up, and having comforted him with a cup of Nantz,
began to inquire into the cause of his disorder: but he could not
extract one word of answer from his friend, who, after a considerable
pause, during which he seemed to be wrapt in profound contemplation,
pronounced aloud, “By the Lord! Jack, you may say what you wool; but
I'll be d-- if it was not Davy Jones himself. I know him by his saucer
eyes, his three rows of teeth, his horns and tail, and the blue smoke
that came out of his nostrils. What does the blackguard hell's baby
want with me? I'm sure I never committed murder, except in the way of my
profession, nor wronged any man whatsomever since I first went to sea.”
 This same Davy Jones, according to the mythology of sailors, is the
fiend that presides over all the evil spirits of the deep, and is
often seen in various shapes, perching among the rigging on the eve of
hurricanes, shipwrecks, and other disasters, to which a seafaring life
is exposed; warning the devoted wretch of death and woe. No wonder then
that Trunnion was disturbed by a supposed visit of this demon, which, in
his opinion, foreboded some dreadful calamity.



CHAPTER XIV.



He is also, by their device, engaged in an Adventure with the Exciseman,
who does not find his Account in his own Drollery.


Howsomever preposterous and unaccountable that passion may be which
prompts persons, otherwise generous and sympathizing, to afflict
and perplex their fellow-creatures, certain it is, our confederates
entertained such a large proportion of it, that not satisfied with the
pranks they had already played, they still persecuted the commodore
without ceasing. In the course of his own history, the particulars of
which he delighted to recount, he had often rehearsed an adventure of
deer-stealing, in which, during the unthinking impetuosity of his
youth, he had been unfortunately concerned. Far from succeeding in that
achievement, he and his associates had, it seems, been made prisoners,
after an obstinate engagement with the keepers, and carried before
a neighbouring justice of the peace, who used Trunnion with great
indignity, and with his companions committed him to jail.

His own relations, and in particular an uncle on whom he chiefly
depended, treated him during his confinement with great rigour and
inhumanity and absolutely refused to interpose his influence in his
behalf, unless he would sign a writing, obliging himself to go to
sea within thirty days after his release, under the penalty of being
proceeded against as a felon. The alternative was, either to undergo
this voluntary exile, or remain in prison disowned and deserted by
everybody, and, after all, suffer an ignominious trial, that might end
in a sentence of transportation for life. He therefore, without much
hesitation, embraced the proposal of his kinsman, and, as he observed,
was, in less than a month after his discharge, turned adrift to the
mercy of the wind and waves.

Since that period he had never maintained any correspondence with his
relations, all of whom had concurred in sending him off; nor would he
ever pay the least regard to the humiliations and supplications of some
among them, who had prostrated themselves before him, on the advancement
of his fortune: but he retained a most inveterate resentment against
his uncle, who was still in being, though extremely old and infirm, and
frequently mentioned his name with all the bitterness of revenge.

Perry being perfectly well acquainted with the particulars of this
story, which he had heard so often repeated, proposed to Hatchway that
a person should be hired to introduce himself to the commodore, with a
supposititious letter of recommendation from this detested kinsman; an
imposition that, in all likelihood, would afford abundance of diversion.

The lieutenant relished the scheme and young Pickle having composed an
epistle for the occasion, the exciseman of the parish, a fellow of great
impudence and some humour, in whom Hatchway could confide, undertook to
transcribe and deliver it with his own hand, and also personate the
man in whose favour it was feigned to be written. He, accordingly, one
morning arrived on horseback at the garrison, two hours at least
before Trunnion used to get up, and gave Pipes, who admitted him, to
understand, that he had a letter from his master, which he was ordered
to deliver to none but the commodore himself. This message was no sooner
communicated, than the indignant chief (who had been waked for the
purpose) began to curse the messenger for breaking his rest, and swore
he would not budge till his usual time of turning out. This resolution
being conveyed to the stranger, he desired the carrier to go back and
tell him, he had such joyful tidings to impart, that he was sure the
commodore would think himself amply rewarded for his trouble, even if he
had been raised from the grave to receive them.

This assurance, flattering as it was, would not have been powerful
enough to persuade him, had it not been assisted with the exhortations
of his spouse, which never failed to influence his conduct. He therefore
crept out of bed, though not without great repugnance; and wrapping
himself in his morning gown, was supported down-stairs, rubbing his eye,
yawning fearfully, and grumbling in the way. As soon as he popped his
head into the parlour, the supposed stranger made divers awkward bows,
and with a grinning aspect accosted him in these words: “Your most
humble servant, most noble commodore! I hope you are in good health; you
look pure and hearty; and if it was not for that misfortune of your eye,
one would not desire to see a more pleasant countenance in a summer's
day. Sure as I am a living soul, one would take you to be on this side
of threescore. Lord help us, I should have known you to be a Trunnion,
if I had met with one in the midst of Salisbury Plain, as the saying
is.”

The commodore, who was not at all in the humour of relishing such an
impertinent preamble, interrupted him in this place, saying, with a
peevish accent, “Pshaw! pshaw! brother, there's no occasion to bowse out
so much unnecessary gun; if you can't bring your discourse to bear on
the right subject, you had much better clap a stopper on your tongue,
and bring yourself up, d'ye see; I was told you had something to
deliver.”--“Deliver!” cried the waggish impostor, “odds heart! I have
got something for you that will make your very entrails rejoice within
your body. Here's a letter from a dear and worthy friend of yours. Take,
read it, and be happy. Blessings on his old heart! one would think he
had renewed his age, like the eagle's.” Trunnion's expectation being
thus raised, he called for his spectacles, adjusted them to his eye,
took the letter, and being curious to know the subscription, no sooner
perceived his uncle's name, then he started back, his lip quivered, and
he began to shake in every limb with resentment and surprise; eager
to know the subject of an epistle from a person who had never before
troubled him with any sort of address, he endeavoured to recollect
himself, and perused the contents, which were these;--

    “Loving Nephew,--I doubt not but you will be rejoiced to
    hear of my welfare; and well you may, considering what a
    kind uncle I have been to you in the days of your youth, and
    how little you deserved any such thing; for yet, was always
    a graceless young man, given to wicked courses and bad company,
    whereby you would have come to a shameful end, had it not been
    for my care in sending you out of mischief's way. But this is
    not the cause of my present writing. The bearer, Mr. Timothy
    Trickle, is a distant relation of yours, being the son of the
    cousin of your aunt Margery, and is not over and above well as
    to worldly matters. He thinks of going to London, to see for
    some post in the excise or customs if so be that you will
    recommend him to some great man of your acquaintance, and give
    him a small matter to keep him till he is provided. I doubt not,
    nephew, but you will be glad to serve him, if it was no more
    but for the respect you bear to me, who am,--Loving nephew,
    your affectionate uncle, and servant to command,
                                          “Tobiah Trunnion.”


It would be a difficult task for the inimitable Hogarth himself to
exhibit the ludicrous expression of the commodore's countenance while
he read this letter. It was not a stare of astonishment, a convulsion
of rage, or a ghastly grin of revenge; but an association of all three,
that took possession of his features. At length, he hawked up, with
incredible straining, the interjection, “Ah!” that seemed to have stuck
some time in his windpipe; and thus gave vent to his indignation: “Have
I come alongside of you at last, you old stinking curmudgeon? You lie,
you lousy hulk! ye lie! you did all in your power to founder me when I
was a stripling; and as for being graceless and wicked, and keeping
bad company, you tell a d--d lie again, you thief! there was not a more
peaceable lad in the county, and I kept no bad company but your own,
d'ye see. Therefore, you Trickle, or what's your name, tell the old
rascal that sent you hither, that I spit in his face, and call him
horse; that I tear his letter into rags, so; and that I trample upon
it as I would upon his own villainous carcase, d'ye see.” So saying, he
danced in a sort of frenzy upon the fragments of the paper, which he
had scattered about the room, to the inexpressible satisfaction of the
triumvirate, who beheld the scene.

The exciseman having got between him and the door, which was left open
for his escape, in case of necessity, affected great confusion and
surprise at his behaviour, saying, with an air of mortification, “Lord
be merciful unto me! is this the way you treat your own relations, and
the recommendation of your best friend? Surely all gratitude and virtue
has left this sinful world! What will cousin Tim, and Dick, and Tom,
and good mother Pipkin; and her daughters cousin Sue, and Prue, and
Peg, with all the rest of our kinsfolks, say, when they hear of this
unconscionable reception that I have met with? Consider, sir, that
ingratitude is worse than the sin of witchcraft, as the Apostle wisely
observes; and do not send me away with such unchristian usage, which
will lay a heavy load of guilt upon your poor miserable soul.”--“What,
you are on a cruise for a post, brother Trickle, an't ye?” said
Trunnion, interrupting him, “we shall find a post for you in a trice,
my boy. Here, Pipes, take this saucy son of a b-- and help him to the
whipping-post in the yard. I'll teach you to rouse me in the morning
with such impertinent messages.”

Pipes, who wanted to carry the joke farther than the exciseman dreamt
of, laid hold of him in a twinkling, and executed the orders of his
commander, notwithstanding all his nods, winking, and significant
gestures, which the boatswain's mate would by no means understand; so
that he began to repent of the part he acted in this performance, which
was like to end so tragically; and stood fastened to the stake, in a
very disagreeable state of suspense; casting many a rueful look over his
left shoulder, while Pipes was absent in quest of a cat-o'-nine-tails,
in expectation of being relieved by the interposition of the lieutenant,
who did not, however, appear. Tom, returning with the instrument of
correction, undressed the delinquent in a trice, and whispering in his
ear, that he was very sorry for being employed in such an office, but
durst not for his soul disobey the orders of his commander, flourished
the scourge about his head, and with admirable dexterity made such a
smarting application to the offender's back and shoulders, that the
distracted gauger performed sundry new cuts with his feet, and bellowed
hideously with pain, to the infinite satisfaction of the spectators. At
length, when he was almost flayed from his rump to the nape of his neck,
Hatchway, who had purposely absented himself hitherto, appeared in the
yard, and interposing in his behalf, prevailed upon Trunnion to call off
the executioner, and ordered the malefactor to be released.

The exciseman, mad with the catastrophe he had undergone, threatened
to be revenged upon his employers, by making a candid confession of
the whole plot; but the lieutenant giving him to understand, that in so
doing, he would bring upon himself a prosecution for fraud, forgery, and
imposture, he was fain to put up with his loss; and sneaked out of the
garrison, attended with a volley of curses discharged upon him by
the commodore, who was exceedingly irritated by the disturbance and
disappointment he had undergone.



CHAPTER XV.



The Commodore detects the Machinations of the Conspirators, and hires a
tutor for Peregrine, whom he settles in Winchester School.


This was not the least affliction he had suffered from the unwearied
endeavours and unexhausted invention of his tormentors, who harassed him
with such a variety of mischievous pranks, that he began to think all
the devils in hell had conspired against his peace; and accordingly
became very serious and contemplative on the subject.

In the course of his meditations, when he recollected and compared
the circumstances of every mortification to which he had been lately
exposed, he could not help suspecting that some of them must have been
contrived to vex him; and, as he was not ignorant of his lieutenant's
disposition, nor unacquainted with the talents of Peregrine, he
resolved to observe them both for the future with the utmost care and
circumspection. This resolution, aided by the incautious conduct of
the conspirators, whom, by this time, success had rendered heedless and
indiscreet, was attended with the desired effect. He in a little time,
detected Perry in a new plot; and by dint of a little chastisement,
and a great many threats, extorted from him a confession of all
the contrivances in which he had been concerned. The commodore was
thunderstruck at the discovery, and so much incensed against Hatchway
for the part he had acted in the whole, that he deliberated with
himself, whether he should demand satisfaction with sword and pistol, or
dismiss him from the garrison, and renounce all friendship with him
at once. But he had been so long accustomed to Jack's company, that he
could not live without him; and upon more cool reflection, perceiving
that what he had done was rather the effect of wantonness than malice,
which he himself would have laughed to see take place upon any
other person, he determined to devour his chagrin, and extended his
forgiveness even to Pipes, whom, in the first sally of his passion, he
had looked upon in a more criminal light than that of a simple mutineer.
This determination was seconded by another, which he thought absolutely
necessary for his own repose, and in which his own interest, and that of
his nephew, concurred.

Peregrine, who was now turned of twelve, had made such advances under
the instruction of Jennings, that he often disputed upon grammar, and
was sometimes thought to have the better in his contests, with the
parish-priest, who, notwithstanding this acknowledged superiority of
his antagonist, did great justice to his genius which he assured Mr.
Trunnion would be lost for want of cultivation, if the boy was not
immediately sent to prosecute his studies at some proper seminary of
learning.

This maxim had been more than once inculcated upon the commodore by Mrs.
Trunnion, who, over and above the deference she paid to the parson's
opinion, had a reason of her own for wishing to see the house clear
of Peregrine, at whose prying disposition she began to be very uneasy.
Induced by these motives, which were joined by the solicitation of the
youth himself, who ardently longed to see a little more of the world,
his uncle determined to send him forthwith to Winchester, under the
immediate care and inspection of a governor, to whom he allowed a very
handsome appointment for that purpose. This gentleman, whose name was
Mr. Jacob Jolter, had been school-fellow with the parson of the parish,
who recommended him to Mrs. Trunnion as a person of great worth and
learning, in every respect qualified for the office of a tutor. He
likewise added, by way of eulogium, that he was a man of exemplary
piety and particularly zealous for the honour of the church, of which
he was a member, having been many years in holy orders, though he did
not then exercise any function of the priesthood. Indeed, Mr. Jolter's
zeal was so exceedingly fervent, as, on some occasions, to get the
better of his discretion; for, being a high churchman and of consequence
a malcontent, his resentment was habituated into an insurmountable
prejudice against the present disposition of affairs, which, by
confounding the nation with the ministry, sometimes led him into
erroneous, not to say absurd calculations; otherwise, a man of good
morals, well versed in mathematics and school divinity, studies which
had not at all contributed to sweeten and unbend the natural sourness
and severity of his complexion.

This gentleman being destined to the charge of superintending Perry's
education, everything was prepared for their departure; and Tom Pipes,
in consequence of his own petition, put into livery, and appointed
footman to the young squire. But, before they set out, the commodore
paid the compliment of communicating his design to Mr. Pickle, who
approved of the plan, though he durst not venture to see the boy; so
much was he intimidated by the remonstrances of his wife, whose aversion
to her first-born became every day more inveterate and unaccountable.
This unnatural caprice seemed to be supported by a consideration which,
one would imagine, might have rather vanquished her disgust. Her second
son Gam, who was now in the fourth year of his age, had been rickety
from the cradle, and as remarkably unpromising in appearance as Perry
was agreeable in his person. As the deformity increased, the mother's
fondness was augmented, and the virulence of her hate against the other
son seemed to prevail in the same proportion.

Far from allowing Perry to enjoy the common privileges of a child,
she would not suffer him to approach his father's house, expressed
uneasiness whenever his name happened to be mentioned, sickened at his
praise, and in all respects behaved like a most rancorous step-mother.
Though she no longer retained that ridiculous notion of his being an
impostor, she still continued to abhor him, as if she really believed
him to be such; and when any person desired to know the cause of her
surprising dislike, she always lost her temper, and peevishly replied,
that she had reasons of her own, which she was not obliged to declare:
nay, so much was she infected by this vicious partiality, that she broke
off all commerce with her sister-in-law and the commodore, because they
favoured the poor child with their countenance and protection.

Her malice, however, was frustrated by the love and generosity
of Trunnion, who, having adopted him as his own son, equipped him
accordingly, and carried him and his governor in his own coach to the
place of destination, where they were settled on a very genteel footing,
and everything regulated according to their desires.

Mrs. Trunnion with great decency at the departure of her nephew, to
whom, with a great many pious advices and injunctions to behave with
submission and reverence towards his tutor, she presented a diamond ring
of small value, and a gold medal, as tokens of her affection and esteem.
As for the lieutenant, he accompanied them in the coach; and such was
the friendship he had contracted for Perry, that when the commodore
proposed to return, after having accomplished the intent of his journey,
Jack absolutely refused to attend him, and signified his resolution to
stay where he was.

Trunnion was the more startled a this declaration, as Hatchway was
become so necessary to him in almost all the purposes of his life, that
he foresaw he should not be able to exist without his company. Not a
little affected with this consideration, he turned his eye ruefully
upon the lieutenant, saying, in a piteous tone, “What! leave me at last,
Jack, after we have weathered so many hard gales together? D-- my limbs!
I thought you had been more of an honest heart: I looked upon you as my
foremast, and Tom Pipes as my mizen: now he is carried away, if so be
as you go too, my standing rigging being decayed, d'ye see, the first
squall will bring me by the board. D-- ye, if in case I have given
offence, can't you speak above-board? and I shall make you amends.”

Jack, being ashamed to own the true situation of his thoughts, after
some hesitation, answered with perplexity and incoherence, “No, d--
me! that an't the case neither: to be sure you always used me in an
officer-like manner, that I must own, to give the devil his due, as the
saying is; but for all that, this here is the case, I have some thoughts
of going to school myself to learn your Latin lingo: for, as the saying
is, Better late mend than never: and I am informed as how one can get
more for the money here than anywhere else.”

In vain did Trunnion endeavour to convince him of the folly of going to
school at his years, by representing that the boys would make game of
him, and that he would become a laughing-stock to all the world: he
persisted in his resolution to stay, and the commodore was fain to
have recourse to the mediation of Pipes and Perry, who employed their
influence with Jack, and at last prevailed upon him to return to the
garrison, after Trunnion had promised he should be at liberty to visit
them once a month. This stipulation being settled, he and his friend
took leave of the pupil, governor, and attendant, and next morning, set
out for their habitation, which they reached in safety that same night.

Such was Hatchway's reluctance to leave Peregrine, that he is said, for
the first time in his life, to have looked misty at parting: certain I
am, that on the road homewards, after a long pause of silence, which the
commodore never dreamt of interrupting, he exclaimed all of a sudden,
“I'll be d--d if the dog ha'nt given me some stuff to make me love him!”
 Indeed, there was something congenial in the disposition of these two
friends, which never failed to manifest itself in the sequel, howsoever
different their education, circumstances, and connections happened to
be.



CHAPTER XVI.



Peregrine distinguishes himself among his School-fellows, exposes his
Tutor, and attracts the particular Notice of the Master.


Thus left to the prosecution of his studies, Peregrine was in a
little time a distinguished character, not only for his acuteness of
apprehension, but also for that mischievous fertility of fancy, of which
we have already given such pregnant examples. But as there was a great
number of such luminaries in this new sphere to which he belonged, his
talents were not so conspicuous while they shone in his single capacity,
as they afterwards appeared, when they concentrated and reflected the
rays of the whole constellation.

At first he confined himself to piddling game, exercising his genius
upon his own tutor, who attracted his attention, by endeavouring to
season his mind with certain political maxims, the fallacy of which he
had discernment enough to perceive. Scarce a day passed in which he did
not find means to render Mr. Jolter the object of ridicule: his violent
prejudices, ludicrous vanity, awkward solemnity, and ignorance of
mankind, afforded continual food for the raillery, petulance, and satire
of his pupil, who never neglected an opportunity of laughing, and making
others laugh, at his expense.

Sometimes in their parties, by mixing brandy in his wine, he decoyed
this pedagogue into a debauch, during which his caution forsook him, and
he exposed himself to the censure of the company. Sometimes, when the
conversation turned upon intricate subjects, he practised upon him the
Socratic method of confutation, and, under pretence of being informed,
by an artful train of puzzling questions insensibly betrayed him into
self-contradiction.

All the remains of authority which he had hitherto preserved over
Peregrine soon vanished; so that, for the future, no sort of ceremony
subsisted between them, and all Mr. Jolter's precepts were conveyed in
hints of friendly advice, which the other might either follow or neglect
at his own pleasure. No wonder then that Peregrine gave a loose to his
inclinations, and, by dint of genius and an enterprising temper, made a
figure among the younger class of heroes in the school.

Before he had been a full year at Winchester, he had signallized himself
in so many achievements, in defiance to the laws and regulations of the
place, that he was looked upon with admiration, and actually chosen dux,
or leader, by a large body of his contemporaries. It was not long
before his fame reached the ears of the master, who sent for Mr. Jolter,
communicated to him the informations he had received, and desired him to
check the vivacity of his charge, and redouble his vigilance in time to
come, else he should be obliged to make a public example of his pupil
for the benefit of the school.

The governor, conscious of his own unimportance, was not a little
disconcerted at this injunction, which it was not in his power to fulfil
by any compulsive means. He therefore went home in a very pensive mood,
and after mature deliberation, resolved to expostulate with Peregrine
in the most familiar terms, and endeavour to dissuade him from practices
which might affect his character as well as interest. He accordingly
frankly told him the subject of the master's discourse; represented the
disgrace he might incur by neglecting this warning; and, putting him in
mind of his own situation, hinted the consequences of the commodore's
displeasure, in case he should be brought to disapprove of his conduct.
These insinuations made the greater impression as they were delivered
with many expressions of friendship and concern. The young gentleman
was not so raw, but that he could perceive the solidity of Mr.
Jolter's advice, to which he promised to conform, because his pride was
interested in the affair, and he considered his own reformation as the
only means of avoiding that infamy which even in idea he could not bear.

His governor, finding him so reasonable, profited by these moments of
reflection; and, in order to prevent a relapse, proposed that he
should engage in some delightful study that would agreeably amuse his
imagination, and gradually detach him from those connections which had
involved him in so many troublesome adventures. For this purpose, he,
with many rapturous encomiums, recommended the mathematics, as yielding
more rational and sensible pleasures to a youthful fancy than any other
subject of contemplation; and actually began to read Euclid with him
that same afternoon.

Peregrine entered upon this branch of learning with all that warmth of
application which boys commonly yield on the first change of study; but
he had scarce advanced beyond the Pons Asinorum, when his ardour
abated; the test of truth by demonstration did not elevate him to those
transports of joy with which his preceptor had regaled his expectation;
and before he arrived at the forty-seventh proposition, he began to
yawn drearily, make abundance of wry faces, and thought himself but
indifferently paid for his attention, when he shared the vast discovery
of Pythagoras, and understood that the square of the hypotenuse was
equal to the squares of the other two sides of a right-angled triangle.
He was ashamed, however, to fail in his undertaking, and persevered with
great industry, until he had finished the first four books, acquired
plane trigonometry, with the method of algebraical calculation, and
made himself well acquainted with the principles of surveying. But no
consideration could prevail upon him to extend his inquiries farther
in this science; and he returned with double relish to his former
avocations, like a stream, which, being dammed, accumulates more force,
and, bursting over its mounds, rushes down with double impetuosity.

Mr. Jolter saw with astonishment and chagrin, but could not resist the
torrent. His behaviour was now no other than a series of license and
effrontery; prank succeeded prank, and outrage followed outrage with
surprising velocity. Complaints were every day preferred against him; in
vain were admonitions bestowed by the governor in private, and menaces
discharged by the masters in public; he disregarded the first, despised
the latter, divested himself of all manner of restraint, and proceeded
in his career to such a pitch of audacity, that a consultation was held
upon the subject, in which it was determined that this untoward spirit
should be humbled by a severe and ignominious flogging for the very next
offence he should commit. In the mean time, Mr. Jolter was desired to
write in the masters name to the commodore, requesting him to remove Tom
Pipes from the person of his nephew, the said Pipes being a principal
actor and abettor in all his malversations; and to put a stop to the
monthly visitations of the mutilated lieutenant, who had never once
failed to use his permission, but came punctual to a day, always fraught
with some new invention. Indeed, by this time Mr. Hatchway was as well
known, and much better beloved, by every boy in the school than the
master who instructed him, and always received by a number of scholars,
who used to attend Peregrine when he went forth to meet his friend, and
conduct him to his lodging with public testimonies of joy and applause.

As for Tom Pipes, he was not so properly the attendant of Peregrine,
as master of the revels of the whole school. He mingled in all their
parties, and superintended the diversions, deciding between boy and boy,
as if he acted by commission under the great seal. He regulated their
motions by his whistle, instructed the young boys in the games of
hustle-cap, leap-frog, and chuck-farthing; imparted to those of a more
advanced age the sciences of cribbage and all-fours, together with the
method of storming the castle, acting the comedy of Prince Arthur, and
other pantomimes, as they commonly exhibited at sea; and instructed
the seniors, who were distinguished by the appellation of bloods, in
cudgel-playing, dancing the St. Giles's hornpipe, drinking flip, and
smoking tobacco. These qualifications had rendered him so necessary and
acceptable to the scholars, that exclusive of Perry's concern in the
affair, his dismission, in all probability, would have produced some
dangerous convulsion in the community. Jolter, therefore, knowing his
importance, informed his pupil of the directions he had received, and
very candidly asked how he should demean himself in the execution;
for he durst not write to the commodore without this previous notice,
fearing that the young gentleman, as soon as he should get an inkling of
the affair, would follow the example, and make his uncle acquainted
with certain anecdotes, which it was the governor's interest to keep
concealed. Peregrine was of opinion that he should spare himself the
trouble of conveying any complaints to the commodore; and if questioned
by the master, assure him he had complied with his desire: at the same
time he p

Showing first 200,000 characters. Full text: gutenberg.org/ebooks/4084