Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax, 1870-1879
by Josh Billings · English · Gutenberg #40191 · 557,166 chars · public domain (US)
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Title: Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax, 1870-1879
Author: Josh Billings
Release date: July 10, 2012 [eBook #40191]
Most recently updated: October 23, 2024
Language: English
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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK JOSH BILLINGS' FARMER'S ALLMINAX, 1870-1879 ***
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| TRANSCRIBER'S NOTE |
| |
| The horoscope tables of the _Allminax_ are decorated with |
| miscellaneous symbols, not all of which are available in |
| monospaced utf-8 fonts to decorate this version of the text. |
| Most symbols have been replaced with "@"; other compatible |
| symbols have been chosen at random to give some idea of what |
| the pages look like. The original horoscope pages can be seen|
| in the HTML version of the _Allminax_. |
| |
| The wayward spelling and punctuation are special features of |
| this text. I have therefore made no attempt to correct |
| apparent typos or missing punctuation marks, as at least SOME|
| of the errors are intentional. |
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| There are only three exceptions: |
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| 1. the correction of "C" to "G" in line 11 of page 36; |
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| 2. the insertion of the missing number 1 in the list on page |
| 38; |
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| 3. the insertion of the missing number 1 in the list on page |
| 45. |
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| Italicised text is marked _like this_. Bold text is marked |
| =like this=. |
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+--------------------------------------------------------------+
JOSH
BILLINGS'
OLD
FARMER'S
ALLMINAX
1870 1879
WITH COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS
PERHAPS
RAIN
[Illustration]
PERHAPS
NOT
NEW YORK
G · W · DILLINGHAM CO
1902
COPYRIGHT, 1870, 1871, 1872, 1873, 1874, 1875, 1876, 1877, 1878,
1879, BY G. W. CARLETON & CO.
COPYRIGHT, 1902, BY
WM. H. DUFF
ADMINISTRATOR ESTATE OF HENRY W. SHAW
JOSH BILLINGS'
FARMER'S ALLMINAX
SIGHNS OV THE ZODIAK.
The undersighned iz an Amerikan brave, in hiz grate tragick akt ov being
attaked bi the twelve constellashuns.--(May the best man win.)
[Illustration]
_KEY TEW THE ABUV PERFORMANCE._
Tew kno exackly whare the sighn iz, multiply the day ov the month bi the
sighn, then find a dividend that will go into a divider four times
without enny remains, subtrakt this from the sighn, add the fust
quoshunt tew the last divider, then multiply the whole ov the man's
boddy bi all the sighns, and the result will be jist what yu are looking
after.
_BILLINGS' FAMILY TIME TABLE._
Amazi begot Hezaki, Hezaki begot Eldad, Eldad begot Behomath, Behomath
begot Zepheniah (_Zepheniah waz a conumdrum maker, sum ov which hav been
handed down down_), Zepheniah begot Ezekiel, Ezekiel begot Issacher
(_Issaker waz a bad speller, which haz bin handed down too_), Issaker
begot Nehemiah, Nehemiah begot Methuseler, Methuseler begot Nabob
(_Nabob waz a snob_), Nabob begot Jerrymiah, and Jerrymiah begot Absolum
Billings (_who is admitted bi every boddy who remembers him tew be the
most humblyest looking man in the 9th Century_). Absolum begot Josh, and
so they kept bizzy begotting.
After the Billings family once struck the front name, _Josh_, they clung
tew it. I find over 6 hundred ov that name extant, besides a grate menny
who haz bekum extanted.
The Billings hav bin a helthy old breed az fur back az i have dug for
them, which they owe principally tew a milk diet. It iz sed that
Behomath Billings, one ov our pristines, could drean a cow perfektly dry
at one sitting. If this iz so, it helps explain the great amount ov milk
in the Billings natur.
I dont find enny old bachelors, nor old maids, amung our ansesstors,
inkrease and multiply haz alwus bin the battle cry of the Billings.
OPINIONS OF THE PRESS
AFTER SEEING THE ADVANCE SHEETS OV
Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax
FOR THE YEAR 1870.
"We seldum notis the current Amerikan literature ov the day, but the
Billings Allminax, soon tew be issued by Carleton, is a work for the
mothers of the Amerikan Union."--_London Times, June 6th, 1869._
* * * * *
"Josh Billings' Farmers' Allminax iz az phull ov gems az a diamond
neklace, az phull of knowledge az Webster's Spellin Book, and az phull
of cooking and cures az a parson's wife."--_London Atheneum, May 31st,
1869._
* * * * *
"The virtewous thoughts in Josh's Allminax iz gin cocktails for the
idle, and brandy straights for the viscious."--_Atlantik Semi-Monthly,
May 3d, 1869._
* * * * *
"The Billings' Allminax will prove a rare acquisition tew Amerikan
literature; the astronomikal calculashuns are unique, the language
elegant, the moral perfekt, the sentiments just, and the whole thing
extremely bully."--_Boston Ledger, May 1st, 1869._
* * * * *
"In theze daze of tawdry novels, imbecile poetry, and florid historys,
it iz charming tew take up such a brilliant thing az Josh Billings'
Farmers' Allminax, whare philosophy and sentiment frolik together, and
whare wit sits in state, with one arm around the waist ov
morality."--_Omaha Patriot, July 4th, 1869._
_JANUARY MONOGRAPH._
This month waz named after one Janus, a sharp sighted old chap, with a
face like a pikaxe, so that he could look both ways at once, back onto
the old year, and forward onto the new one. At the latter part ov his
life he died of a thaw, leaving a snug little property, sum six or seven
hundred dollars, which akordin tew one ov the bye-laws ov hiz will, waz
invested in tin back thermometors, and distributed amung the suffering
poor ov his native village, az mementoze ov Janus.
DOMESTIX RECEIPTS.
Tew find the square root ov a hog's noze, turn him into a gardin patch.
* * * * *
Tew enjoy a good reputashun, giv publickly, and steal privately.
* * * * *
Tew remove grease from a man's karakter, let him strike sum sudden ile.
* * * * *
Tew giv oysters an extra good relish, eat them at sumboddy else's
expense.
* * * * *
Tew git wrong things out ov yure child's head,--comb it often.
[Illustration]
I never argy agin a suckcess, when i see a rattlesnaixs
hed sticking out ov a whole, i bear off to the left, and say to
miself----that hole belongs to that snaix.=
Josh Billings
[Illustration]
Cider may be a good temprance beverage, but i hav seen
folks git so drunk on it, that they couldn't tell one ov the 10
commandments from a bye law or a base bawl klub. =
Josh Billings
31 Days.
JANUARY.
1870.
Q.--What iz an old bachelor? @ () @ ¶
A.--The hero ov a cot bedstead. @ † @ @ †
[Illustration]
_He who bi farmin would git ritch,
Must plough, and so, and dig, and sich,
Work hard all day, sleep hard all nite,
Save every cent, and not git tite._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _INK BRATS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ _Cold_ @ @ @ | |
| 2| G || Daniel @ Lambert | When a rooster crows, he crows |
| 3| M || @ @ born @ @ 1793 | all over. |
| 4| T || _high_ @ _tides_ @ | |
| 5| W || @ _perhaps_ @ @ | * * * * * |
| 6| T || _rain_ @ _perhaps_ | |
| 7| F || @ _not_ @ Milky | A nu milk Cow is stepmother |
| 8| S || way @ fust @ | tew evry mans baby. |
| 9| G || discovered @ 1386 @ | |
|10| M || @ _Weather_ @ @ | * * * * * |
|11| T || _shifty_ @ @ lay in @ | |
|12| W || @ yure ice @ | Whenever i kan find a real |
|13| T || cream cow @ @ | hansum woman engaged in the |
|14| F || @ for @ next @ | wimmins rights bizzness, then |
|15| S || @ summer @ | i am going tew take mi hat under |
|16| G || @ @ _Sighns ov a_ @ | mi arm, and jine the procession. |
|17| M || @ @ @ _thaw_ | |
|18| T || _it duz thaw_ @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|19| W || @ @ Gulliver | |
|20| T || @ returns @ | Debt is a trap, which a man |
|21| F || from his @ @ | sets, and baits himself, and then |
|22| S || @ travels @ 1700 @ | deliberately gets into,--and |
|23| G || @ @ now harvest | ketches a kursid phool. |
|24| M || yure @ snow @ @ | |
|25| T || @ _blustering_ @ bull @| * * * * * |
|26| W || frogs quiet @ @ | |
|27| T || @ @ @ John @ @ | Angels handle the dice when |
|28| F || Smith @ born @ | doublets are thrown in the cradle. |
|29| S || @ @ @ for the | |
|30| G || fust time @ 485 @ | |
|31| M || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_FEBUARY MONOGRAPH._
This month haz but 28 days, the extreme kold weather that prevails haz
puckered up the month. Once in four years thare iz a big melt and then
the month swells, and haz 29 days. This month iz looked upon az
unpleasant, and it iz unpleasant for digging out woodchucks, but for
setting in front of the fire, and skinning apples, and snapping the
seeds at the galls, it kant be beat. The name ov this month is derived
from an old Chinese word (now lost) which means _condem kold_.
USEFUL HINTS TEW BOARDIN HOUSE KEEPERS.
In buying roast beef, dont forgit, that roast beef, tew be bully, must
be tuff.
* * * * *
Be kerful how yu soke yure makrel, too mutch sokeing, takes the wear out
ov them.
* * * * *
In selekting a yung goose for yure table, dont forgit tew remember, that
the longer a goose has lived in this world, the more experience he will
hav, when he cums tew be chawed.
* * * * *
Keep a cow, and then the milk wont hav tew be watered but once.
28 Days.
FEBRUARY.
1870.
Q.--What iz the best kure for lazyness? @ @ * @ # @
A.--Milking a cow on the run, and living on the milk.
[Illustration]
_Bring out yure bran nu cutter,
And git yure galls consent,
Then hitch up Dobbin, or sum other kruttur,
And let the animile went._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _SHAD SCALES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ _Gusty_ @ _squalls_ @| |
| 2| W || St. @ Valentine @ | Fools are the whet stuns ov |
| 3| T || @ killed 270 @ | society. |
| 4| F || @ _more gusty_ | * * * * * |
| 5| S || Valentine @ @ | If a man haint got a well balanced |
| 6| G || waz @ Cupid's @ | head, i like tew see him |
| 7| M || @ Corresponding | part hiz hair in the middle. |
| 8| T || Secretary @ _snow_ @ | |
| 9| W || @ _storms still_ | * * * * * |
|10| T || _loafing_ @ _around_ @ | It iz a strange and lamentable |
|11| F || @ _the_ @ _sky_ @ Roger| fakt, that yu kant advance, nor |
|12| S || Sherman waz a @ | even inaugurate, a moral movement |
|13| G || shoemaker @ farmers | without the aid ov money--yu |
|14| M || @ will @ now @ | kan run a saw mill on credit, |
|15| T || @ sprinkle their | but yu kant run the gospel. |
|16| W || hay with brine @ @ | |
|17| T || @ and skratch their | * * * * * |
|18| F || pigs @ backs @ _snow_ | |
|19| S || @ _falls_ @ _in_ @ | When i waz yung, i used tew feel |
|20| G || _chunks_ @ now @ | good six days in two, but now i |
|21| M || trap for @ mice | am old, if I kan manage tew feel |
|22| T || @ @ and other | good two days in six, i think i am |
|23| W || furs @ pepper @ | doing fust rate. |
|24| T || sass fust diskovered | |
|25| F || @ 1496 _sighns ov a_ @ | * * * * * |
|26| S || @ _thaw_ Ben Franklin | Flattery iz like colone water, |
|27| G || waz a @ printer. | tew be smelt ov, not swallered. |
|28| M || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_MARCH MONOGRAPH._
This month derives her pedigree from the Danish verb "_Whizz_," which
means to blow, to wheeze, to snort, to pitch in endways, and crossways,
to shake winder blinds, to smash barn doors, to skare pigs, to brake
clothes lines, to make men sware, and wimmin balky. March iz principally
immense for wind, but whare it all cums from, and whare it all goes to,
are prize conumdrums which i kant untangle Dogs kreated this month
invariably hav the bark on.
_ATTENSHUN FARMERS._
Rathbun's "Old oaken bucket washing masheen." For washing, bleaching,
bileing, wringing, starching, blueing, hanging out, drieing, ironing,
marking, fluting, and folding clothes, this lovely masheen haz no
competitor in the male, or femail world. This iz the only masheen in the
western hemisphear, that takes the inside cloth oph from a man's back on
the keen jump, and puts it back agin, in 15 minnitts, washed, dried,
ironed, starched, the buttons sowed on, and the collar turned down. Ask
for Rathbun's Old oaken bucket washing masheen, and keep asking till yu
git it, and when yu hav got it, hug it tew yure buzzum.
31 Days.
MARCH.
1870.
Q.--Will yu pleaze to define suicide? @ @ @ @ @
A.--Suicide iz cheating the doktors out ov a job.
[Illustration]
_Mend fences now, and diches dig,
Lay in some cow, and little pig,
For milk, and pork,
Iz what enables a man tew do a good square day's work._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _SARDINES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ _Windy_ @ _winds_ @ | |
| 2| W || _with sighns_ @ @ @ | Thare is only one good substitute |
| 3| T || @ _ov_ @ _wind_ | for the endearments of a sister, |
| 4| F || "Sorosis" (@) fust | and that iz the endearments |
| 5| S || born @ @ 1206 born | ov sum other phellows sister. |
| 6| G || @ agin @ @ @ | |
| 7| M || 1868 @ _very_ @ _windy_| * * * * * |
| 8| T || _with_ @ @ _wind_ | Cheerfull old girls are the brides |
| 9| W || @ @ _gusts_ peach @ | maids ov society. |
|10| T || crop cut @ @ | |
|11| F || off az @ @ @ usual | * * * * * |
|12| S || Robinson @ Cruso | |
|13| G || @ @ died @ 1492 | About the meanest kritter thare |
|14| M || now yoke @ @ pigs | iz now travelling around on the |
|15| T || and geese @ @ | buzzum ov the earth, iz a bashfull |
|16| W || plant @ lobsters | hypokritt. |
|17| T || and @ @ lettiss for | |
|18| F || @ sallad _look_ @ _out_| * * * * * |
|19| S || @ _for_ @ _wind_ | I hope I shall never hav so |
|20| G || count @ @ yure @ | mutch reputashun, that i shant |
|21| M || @ cockroaches @ | feel obliged tew be civil. |
|22| T || and see if @ @ enny | |
|23| W || @ hav bin @ mislaid | |
|24| T || congress @ @ | The biggest phool in this world |
|25| F || adjourns @ less @ | hazn't been born yet. |
|26| S || wind _sour_ @ _and_ | |
|27| G || _cold_ a @ @ good @ | * * * * * |
|28| M || @ @ time @ to | |
|29| T || trade off @ @ | Natur is just az honest az a |
|30| W || a mule @ @ | cow. |
|31| T || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_APRIL MONOGRAPH._
"April, dear April, chuck full ov charms,
Cum, cum, oh cum, tew mi arms,"
thus warbled the poet, more than twelve thousand years ago, and he knew
his bizz, he had the right sting in him, he want none ov yure pedigree
poets, nor dispepshee poets, nor whiskee poets.
Dandylions planted this month are almost sure tew hed out, so are tud
stools, so are hed cheeze. This month iz also helthy for planting
onions, onions are a luxury, and are good for a bad breth, or are bad
for a good breth, i hav forgot which, but either way iz right.
_VALUABEL ADVICE TEW YUNG SPORTSMEN._
☛ In fishing for musketoze dont wait for them tew bite the seckond time.
☛ The best bait for bed bugs, iz tew sleep three in a bed.
☛ The best mark for target praktiss iz an old maskuline goose, one goose
will last yu for five years shooting, and when he finally gits struck
with lightning, and begins tew perish, yu kan melt him up, and git out
the lead.
☛ The best kind ov a spear, for bullfrogging, iz a four tined dung fork,
when you git the tines all full, shoulder the fork, and put for home.
30 Days.
APRIL.
1870.
Q.--How long kan a goose stand on one leg?
A.--Try it,----that's the way the goose found out.
[Illustration]
_Jethro Sparks cum tew town,
Athwart a kussid mule,
He wound hiz ears around hiz nek,
And called him April Phule._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _EMBERS ON THE HARTH._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || _Showery_ @ _expekt_ @ | He whom the good praze, and |
| 2| S || @ _rain_ @ stern | the wicked hate, ought tew be |
| 3| G || winter iz @ @ @ | satisfied with hiz reputashun. |
| 4| M || o'er @ sow peas @ | |
| 5| T || and plant lambs @ | * * * * * |
| 6| W || now @ Washington | |
| 7| T || waz the @ father @ | The less a man knows, the |
| 8| F || @ ov hiz @ (country) | more he will guess at, and guessing |
| 9| S || @ _wet rain_ @ @ | iz nothing more than suspicion. |
|10| G || Washington @ when | |
|11| M || a little boy had @ @ | * * * * * |
|12| T || @ @ a little @ @ | |
|13| W || ax @ @ _gentle_ | It is a statistikal fakt, that the |
|14| T || @ _showers_ @ @ with | wicked work harder tew reach |
|15| F || which he @ @ | Hell, than the righteous do tew |
|16| S || @ @ tomahawked | git to heaven. |
|17| G || a tree @ _sighns ov_ | |
|18| M || @ _moisture_ but @ @ | * * * * * |
|19| T || when @ asked @ | |
|20| W || @ if he did the tree | When i git thoroughly ritch, the |
|21| T || cut @ _big rain_ @ he | fust thing i intend to do, iz tew |
|22| F || @ @ owned the | bekum respektabel. |
|23| S || korn @ @ lager | |
|24| G || beer diskovered @ | * * * * * |
|25| M || @ not to be @ @ | |
|26| T || intoxicating @ @ @ | Men generally, when they whip |
|27| W || 1845 @ pattent taken | a mule, sware, the mule remembers |
|28| T || out @ now dig @ | the swaring, but forgits the |
|29| F || for umbrellers @ @ | licking. |
|30| S || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_MAY MONOGRAPH._
May iz the belle ov the year, she haz worn the belt for five thousand
years. If May hadn't hav been a sensible girl, she would hav bin spilte
long ago with poetry and stanzy. But she is an independant kritter, and
dont care one kuss for stanzy. This iz an eazy month tew fall in love,
our naturs are now fully thawd out, after the late kold snap, and like a
little melted brook, begin tew look around, tew find another little
melted brook tew mix with. Oh! how precious and delightsum it iz to mix.
Hive bees during this month, if yu hav got sum, if not, hive sumboddy
else's.
_PATTENTS ISSUED DURING 1869._
Feb. 1st. To Ambrose Griddle, Esq., a pattent for a hen's egg, which
beats the natral egg for awl purposes, except, cooking, hatching, and
eating.
* * * * *
April 13th. To Ezra Push, Jun., a pattent for a one wheeled velosipede.
This wise instrumentality haz two handles tew it, and iz purswaded by
taken hold ov the handles, and walking between them with a shove moshun.
If it wasn't a velosipede, it would be an old fashioned wheelbarrow.
* * * * *
March 10th. To David Gibson, for a pattent goose yoke. These yokes are
packed in cotton wool, and sent bi express all over the face ov the
earth, they are sudden tew yoke a goose with, and no goose should be
without one.
[Illustration]
I thank the Lord that thare iz one thing in this world
that money kant buy, and that iz,--the wag ov a dogs tail.=
Yure Unkle, Josh Billings
[Illustration]
The infidel argys just az a Bull duz chained to a post,
he bellows, and paws, but he don't git loose from the post i notiss.=
Not mutch, Josh Billings
31 Days.
MAY.
1870.
Q.--What will yu compare old maids to? @ @ @
A.--Embers on the harth, from which the sparks have fled. @ @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_The Rooster now with burstin thrut,
Proklaims the rozy morn,
And cacklin hens are telling us,
Another egg is born._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| @| @ || _Prognostix._ | _RAMRODS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || @ "Physician @ | |
| 2| M || heal thyself," @ @ | Piety iz like beans, it seems tew |
| 3| T || @ big joke @ | do the best on a poor sile. |
| 4| W || @ on physician @ | |
| 5| T || now @ plant @ @ @ | |
| 6| F || @ corn @ for early | |
| 7| S || whiskey @ _showers_ | About the hardest thing a |
| 8| G || _with sun_ (@) | phellow kan do, iz tew spark |
| 9| M || _in them_ @ spring | two girls at onst, and preserve a |
|10| T || @ haz cum @ @ | good average. |
|11| W || adorned like @ | |
|12| T || @ a bride @ | |
|13| F || _sighns_ @ _ov_ | |
|14| S || @ _rain_ @ brides | I had rather be a seed cowcumber, |
|15| G || alwus create a @ @ | flung up on a wood pile, |
|16| M || @ @ @ sensashun | tew ripen, than tew be an old |
|17| T || @ _thunder_ @ | bachelor. |
|18| W || _mixed with_ @ @ | |
|19| T || _rain_ @ it iz more | |
|20| F || @ diffikult tew @ | |
|21| S || be a bride @ | Better leave yure children |
|22| G || @ than a brides @ | virtew, than money, but this is |
|23| M || maid @ babes | a sekret known only to a few. |
|24| T || @ @ in the @ @ | |
|25| W || woods diskovered @ | |
|26| T || @ @ 1626 @ @ @ | |
|27| F || @ harvest | |
|28| S || cowslops for @ @ | Going tew law, iz like skinning |
|29| G || greens @ @ eggs | a nu milk cow for her hide, and |
|30| M || @ plenty-- | giving the beef tew the lawyers. |
|31| T || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_JUNE MONOGRAPH._
June iz twin sister tew May, lacking a month. She iz named after Juno,
the spouze ov Jupiter, and she waz a stirring woman. June iz the mother
of rozes and milk. June iz the stepmother of good gras butter, she iz
also grate granmother ov Bakon and Spinnage. June iz a praktikal gusher,
and i love tew stand one side, and let her gush,--i hav made it a rule
never tew git in the way ov a gush ov enny kind,--i say tew everything,
gush! oh, gush!
_WORDS TEW HOUSEWIFES._
To make a cheap soup, take 5 drops ov good strong onion juice, add 2
gall's ov water, bile 10 minnitts karefully, and seazon with a couple ov
phatt cockroches.
* * * * *
To make a hoe kake, take a hoe and bile it tew a thin jell, and
then,--let her kake
* * * * *
Tew skin a Eel, turn him inside out, and remove the meat with a Jack
plane
* * * * *
Tew make a hen lay 2 eggs a day, reazon with her; if that dont dew,
threaten to chastize her if she dont.
* * * * *
Tew learn yure offspring to steal, make them beg hard for all that yu
giv them.
30 Days.
JUNE.
1870.
Q.--Whi are robbers like rain? @ @ @ @
A.--Bekauze they fall on the just and the unjust.
[Illustration]
_Now bate yure hook, and find a brook,
Where water runs the fasstest,
Thare lays the trout, jist jerk him out,
And chuck him in yure basket._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _OATS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || _At times warm_ @ _at_ | |
| 2| T || @ @ _other times_ | The time tew be karefullest iz |
| 3| F || @ _warmer_ @ @ | when we hav a hand full ov |
| 4| S || muskeeters @ @ @ | trumps. |
| 5| G || @ _8_ looking for a | |
| 6| M || job @ @ Sinbad | * * * * * |
| 7| T || the sailor @ | Old dorgs nuss their grudges, |
| 8| W || @ wrecked @ | but yung purps fite, and then |
| 9| T || @ 1385 _hot sighns_ | frolick. |
|10| F || _ov warm_ @ @ | |
|11| S || _weather 8_ straw | * * * * * |
|12| G || berrys @ 25 | |
|13| M || cents a quart @ | Mother!--The holy thoughts, |
|14| T || @ @ strawberrys | and memorys, that cluster around |
|15| W || large, quarts small @ | this name, can never be so well |
|16| T || @ _showers_ @ @ | expressed, az in the calm utterance |
|17| F || _with_ @ @ _rain_ @ @ | ov the name itself. |
|18| S || remember the @ | |
|19| G || poor natur @ @ | * * * * * |
|20| M || grows @ Old | |
|21| T || @ Grimes died | I thank the Lord for one thing, |
|22| W || 1785 @ he had | that the hardest word in enny |
|23| T || @ a good old _8_ | language tew say, iz--No! |
|24| F || @ soul @ _dark_ | |
|25| S || _nights_ @ mint | * * * * * |
|26| G || juleps in @ @ | |
|27| M || market @ @ fakts | I had ratner undertaik tew be |
|28| T || @ are stubborn @ | two good Doves, than one decent |
|29| W || things @ so be mules | sarpent. |
|30| T || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_JULY MONOGRAPH._
July iz the sixth month, which ackounts for its being so near the middle
ov the year. It derives its name from "Julos" a hot old phellow, who
settled near the equator, at an early day, and kept every boddy in hiz
naberhood, in a profound swett. July haz menny features ov _interest_,
the _principle_ one ov which, iz, the payment ov semi-annual _interest_,
by most ov the banks, on the fust day ov the month, upon their
_principal_. This iz a fine old custom, and i hope it will be kept up,
for i own a leetle bank stock, and take sum _interest_ in the
_principle_.
_A NEW TOOL._
"_Rogers grate western hoss rake._"
John Rogers revolving, expanding, uncerimonius, self-adjusting,
self-contrakting, self-sharpening, self-greasing, and self-righteous
Hoss Rake, iz now, and forever, offered tew a generous publik. Theze
rakes are az eazy tew keep in repair az a hitching post, and will rake
up a paper ov pins, sowed broad kast, in a ten aker lot ov wheat
stubble. Theze rakes kan be used in the winter for a hen roost, or be
sawed up into stove wood for the kitchen fire. No farmer, ov good moral
karakter, should be without this rake, not even if he haz to steal one.
31 Days.
JULY.
1870.
Q.--Whare do the vain go tew when they die?
A.--The barbers shop. @
[Illustration]
_Young man!--let hornets be, and dont go nigh
The pizen snaik tew mutch.
For during the month ov Julii,
They aint helthy tew the tutch._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _DOUGH NUTS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ @ _Mad dogs_ | |
| 2| S || _seen_ @ muzzle | I hav alwus notised one thing, |
| 3| G || yure @ _8_ | when a man gits in a tite spot, he |
| 4| M || @ children @ | dont never call on hiz friend the |
| 5| T || @ look out | Devil tew help him out. |
| 6| W || for a hotness @ @ | |
| 7| T || @ owe no @ | * * * * * |
| 8| F || man @ keep cool @ | |
| 9| S || _hail storm_ @ _hail_ | The man who haz just found |
|10| G || @ @ _stones_ @ @ | out that he kant afford tew burn |
|11| M || _weigh sevral_ @ | green wood, haz taken hiz fust |
|12| T || _tons_ @ @ that | lesson in econemy. |
|13| W || iz all @ @ @ | |
|14| T || that fell @ _the_ | * * * * * |
|15| F || @ _hot iz more_ @ @ @ | I think now if I had all the |
|16| S || _hot 8_ @ @ saw | money that iz due me i would |
|17| G || @ horses begin @ | invest it in a saw mill,--and let |
|18| M || tew pant @ @ | her rip. |
|19| T || @ _wet shower_ @ | |
|20| W || @ @ _more_ @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|21| T || @ _warm_ @ | |
|22| F || @ @ a penny | A good wife iz a sweet smile |
|23| S || saved iz @ @ | from heaven. |
|24| G || @ worth @ two _8_ | |
|25| M || lost @ @ pray | * * * * * |
|26| T || for ice @ @ | |
|27| W || @ @ flys lively | A big noze iz sed to be a sighn |
|28| T || @ now harvest | ov genius,--if a mans genius lays |
|29| F || rye for @ _8_ | in hiz noze, i should say the sighn |
|30| S || whiskee @ @ | waz a good one. |
|31| G || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_AUGUST MONOGRAPH._
This month, for sum reazon, haz got a hot way ov doing things. Awl natur
unties her corsets and loafs bi the side ov brooks, with stockingless
feet, tew ketch the cool words ov singing waters, and watch the bubles
ov sweet, that rize on the noze ov the green frog, az they set down on
themselfs, on the moss upholstered stones.
Butter spreads itself freely during this month. Snakes slip eazy, and
Cupid crawls behind the shadder ov a dieing roze, and shutes hiz gun at
the galls, and boys.
_THINGS WORTH KNOWING._
Tew milk a kicking cow, stand oph about 10 foot, and holler "_So I_ darn
you."
* * * * *
Tew make light bread, do az the bakers do,--call 9 ounces a pound.
* * * * *
Tew make oxtale soup, bile an ox in a pot, and let the caudel
continuation hang over the edge ov the pot and drip.
* * * * *
Tew git at the solid kontents ov yure wife's tongue, be verry sweet with
the new skool mom in yure distrikt.
* * * * *
Tew break a mule--commence at his head.
31 Days.
AUGUST.
1870.
Q.--What iz the capacity ov an omnibus? @ @
A.--The same az a grave yard, it takes all that cums. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Now chop doun oats.
And hew doun barley,
Rize with the sun,
And go tew bed arly._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _STUB ENDS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || @ Expekt pack @ | |
| 2| T || pedlers @ @ _dry_ | A lie iz like a kat, it never |
| 3| W || _and hot_ @ ice | cums tew yu in a straight line. |
| 4| T || @ iz trumps @ | |
| 5| F || _great drouth_ @ | * * * * * |
| 6| S || auctioneers @ @ | |
| 7| G || @ dry @ | The longest lived thing i kno |
| 8| M || @ up @ Don' | ov, iz a nikname. |
| 9| T || Quixot fights @ | |
|10| W || a wind mill @ @ | * * * * * |
|11| T || 1342 @ gits | |
|12| F || whipped the @ | |
|13| S || @ fust round | Most men go through life az |
|14| G || @ honesty @ | rivers go tew the sea, bi following |
|15| M || iz the best @ | the lay ov the ground. |
|16| T || policy @ better | |
|17| W || @ than a life @ | * * * * * |
|18| T || @ insurance | |
|19| F || policy @ @ _uncommon_ | |
|20| S || @ _hot_ @ rag dolls | If I had a mule who wouldn't |
|21| G || perspire freely @ | neither kick, nor bite, i should |
|22| M || _rain with thunder_ * *| watch him dredful cluss till i |
|23| T || @ _heat increases_ | found out whare hiz malice did |
|24| W || @ _thermometors bile_ | lie. |
|25| T || _over_ @ Adam | |
|26| F || @ waz the @ | * * * * * |
|27| S || fust man @ | |
|28| G || _cooler_ @ @ that | The devil iz a mean kuss, he |
|29| M || @ @ kissed a | never keeps hiz own promises, |
|30| T || woman @ @ @ | but alwus makes us keep ours. |
|31| W || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_SEPTEMBER MONOGRAPH._
September iz named after "Septus" which thrashed out into Amerikan,
means seven. I wouldn't take 500 dollars for the latin i know, and i
don't kno mutch nuther. Sept. iz a lakadaisikal month, mello az the
dekayed side of a punkin, and as sensitive az a boarding school miss,
during her fust quarter in french. Natur makes her will this month--hogs
root violently--birds hold convenshuns, and adjourn down south--tree
toads boost each other up trees and warble sum anthems--katydids chew
musick and spit it out freely, and bull frogs post their books.
_MORE ADVICE TEW YOUNG SPORTSMEN._
In shooting at a deer that looks like a calf, always aim so az tew miss
it if it iz a calf, and to hit it if it iz a deer.
* * * * *
In fishing for krabs, use yure fingers for bait, yu kan feel them when
they fust bite.
* * * * *
Dont fire at a bumble bee on the wing, not till he settles, then take
good aim, and knok him endways.
* * * * *
In bobbing for Eels, use a raw potato, yu may not bag much Eels, but yu
kan bag a bob, that yu kan hand down tew yure ancestors untarnished.
[Illustration]
Thare are but fu sights in this life, more sublime, and
pathetick than to see a poor, but virtiuous yung man,
struggling--with a mustash.=
It iz thus, Josh Billings.
[Illustration]
I hav seen men so fond ov argument, that they would
dispute with a guide board, at the forks ov a kuntry road, about the
distance to the next town.=
What fools, Josh Billings
30 Days.
SEPTEMBER.
1870.
Q.--How fast duz sound travel? @ @ @ @
A.--The sound ov a dinner horn travels one mile in a seckond.
[Illustration]
_This month pull flax,
And teeth that ake.
Lay in bees wax,
And emptins kake._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _OLD CHEEZE._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || _Limpsey weather_ @ | |
| 2| F || @ moon in perigree | Medicine haz cost the world |
| 3| S || @ @ Jim Crow | more than bread haz, and haz |
| 4| G || born 1836 @ now | killed more than it haz cured. |
| 5| M || @ @ dry apples | |
| 6| T || for sass @ _rain_ | * * * * * |
| 7| W || _threatnings_ @ money | Marriage tew a coquette iz |
| 8| T || tight @ @ fall | often, "letters ov marque and |
| 9| F || bonnets appear @ | reprisal." |
|10| S || @ @ they are | |
|11| G || ravishing @ @ | * * * * * |
|12| M || _cool_ @ @ to a 20 | |
|13| T || dollar bill @ | It iz very diffikult for a poor |
|14| W || @ now fish for @ | man tew be superior tew hiz fortune,|
|15| T || crabs @ _rain drizzle_ | and more diffikult for a rich |
|16| F || @ crabs bite with | one. |
|17| S || their feet @ _smoky_ | |
|18| G || _weather_ @ @ and | * * * * * |
|19| M || hang on like @ | Hunting after health, iz like |
|20| T || a poor relashun @ | hunting after fleas, the more yu |
|21| W || @ use cod @ | hunt, the more _flees_ you will |
|22| T || liver oil @ | find. |
|23| F || @ _more wet_ @ for | |
|24| S || greasing waggons @ | * * * * * |
|25| G || grate snake @ | The devil iz sed tew be the |
|26| M || seen at _8_ @ | "father ov lies," if this iz so, he |
|27| T || Nuport 1820 @ 12 | haz got a numerous family, and |
|28| W || miles long @ Venus | sum very promising children |
|29| T || @ an evening star @ | amungst them. |
|30| F || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_OCTOBER MONOGRAPH._
October iz one ov the fall months, Adam iz sed tew hav fell this month,
but sich assershuns are like standing oph a half a mile, in a cloudy
day, and guessing at the number ov fleas on a dorg, more sincere, than
sartain. The strongest attrakshun for me, in this month, iz her natral
cider; the man who don't admire good natral cider, must be a condem
phool.
Prepare for a hard winter during this month, bi repenting ov yure sins,
and gitting up a good big wood pile.
_PECK'S CHURN, AND BRISTOW'S SOWING MASHEEN._
Theze churns are the pride ov invenshun, the genius ov improvement, a
viktory over time, and a conquest ov labor. They will fetch butter from
cream in 2 seckonds, from milk in 2 minnitts, and from water, inside ov
a very short time. Better be without a spellin book, or even a pack of
kards, in a growing family, than not tew hav one ov Peck's Churns. Peck
iz a philanthropist, every housewife in the world, should put on a clean
white apron, hold up both hands on high, and shout, Bully!! oh! Bully!
for Peck.
* * * * *
Buy Bristow's double-thread, cross-stitch, rivet-seam, dovetail-hemmer,
lighting-movement, krank-moshun sowing masheen. Theze masheens took all
the premiums at the late lamented Paris imposishun, and one ov them,
which waz sent tew a farmer in Tiogy county last fall, on trial, sowed
up the whole family in a hard not, in less than three days, besides
sowing fourteen acres of winter rye.
31 Days.
OCTOBER.
1870.
Q.--Will you pleaze to state what lies are? @ @
A.--Lies are the grease on the snaiks belly. @
[Illustration]
_The yello korn now scents the gale,
And harvest boys the milk maids wake,
With matin songs, in praizes of,
Hasty puddin, and Johnny kake._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _BIRDS TRACKS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ Jack Frost @ | |
| 2| G || born @ of | How menny people thare iz |
| 3| M || poor but honest | whoze souls hang in them, like |
| 4| T || @ @ parents @ now | the pith in a gooze quill. |
| 5| W || hunt for cider @ | |
| 6| T || @ moon in @ | * * * * * |
| 7| F || apogee @ @ | |
| 8| S || @ _air brittle_ @ | Opinyuns are like other kinds |
| 9| G || snakes hang @ | ov vegetables, worth jist what |
|10| M || @ up their sled | they will fetch. |
|11| T || _sighns a kold_ @ @ | |
|12| W || snap @ @ let her | * * * * * |
|13| T || snap @ @ begin | |
|14| F || yure promiskuss | When a man gits so reduced |
|15| S || sparking @ @ @ | that he kant help ennyboddy else, |
|16| G || @ @ knowledge iz | we then vote him a penshun for |
|17| M || power @ pumpkin | the rest ov hiz life, by calling him|
|18| T || pies begin @ | a _poor devil_. |
|19| W || tew loaf @ @ | |
|20| T || around @ @ | * * * * * |
|21| F || @ Bonaparte | |
|22| S || crosses the | A lie repented ov bekums the |
|23| G || rine @ @ _keen_ | truth. |
|24| M || _but cold_ @ now | |
|25| T || butcher hens | * * * * * |
|26| W || @ @ @ for | |
|27| T || thanksgiving @ | I had rather be married tew an |
|28| F || @ @ _frosty_ @ lay | unabridged Webster's diktionary, |
|29| S || in yure | than tew an unabridged literary |
|30| G || @ winter clams @ | woman. |
|31| M || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_NOVEMBER MONOGRAPH._
Everyboddy wants tow be sassy at November--to turn her the cold
shoulder--tew nuss all their old akes anew--tew look az sour az a
pot-bellyed pickle--tew hunt for a kat's tale tew step at,--but i aint!
November iz when i harvest mi happiness, when i gather into mi pious
korn krip, the moral sowing ov the whole year. I am only sorry for one
thing during the month ov November, and that iz, that i am sich a poor,
weak, unsartin, sinnerly cuss, and that mi nabers aint much better than
i am.
_SUM MORE HINTS TEW BOARDIN-HOUSE KEEPERS._
1st. If your boarders take sugar, and milk, in their kaughphy, dont put
in mutch sugar, bekauze yu kno they hav milk, and dont put in but little
milk, bekauze they hav sugar.
* * * * *
2d. Bukwheat kakes made out ov wheat bran kost less, and soak up
molasses more carefully.
* * * * *
3d. In negotiating for sassige, do yure bizzness with the bolony men,
then you kno what yu are gitting yu kant alwus tell what country sassige
kontains.
* * * * *
4th. Be kind tew cockroaches, for they often make a plate of butter last
a whole week, and when you pray, alwus pray for the light eaters.
30 Days.
NOVEMBER.
1870.
Q.--What iz the eazyest vittles tew digest? @
A.--A good joke. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Pick apples now, and cider make,
And in a barrel juice it,
Then git a straw, without a flaw,
And through the straw seduce it._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _SHOE PEGS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || _Sour cold_ @ a | |
| 2| W || @ @ stampede in | A debt iz alwus a growing, if |
| 3| T || Brigham (@) | it dont gro in size, it grows in |
| 4| F || Youngs family @ | heft. |
| 5| S || @ _more cold_ @ he | |
| 6| G || suddenly bekums @ | * * * * * |
| 7| M || unwedded @ _more_ | There iz lots ov folks in the |
| 8| T || [@@] _sour_ @ for a | world, who covet misfortins jist |
| 9| W || large () amount | for the luxury ov grunting. |
|10| T || _rain_ @ and iz | |
|11| F || @ left a 75 hoss | * * * * * |
|12| S || power widdower @ | |
|13| G || @ _clammy and raw_ | Hope iz a draft on fewturity, |
|14| M || Brigham burys @ | sumtimes honored, but generally |
|15| T || himself in @ | extended. |
|16| W || weeds @ _blustering_ | |
|17| T || @ at the bottom ov @ | * * * * * |
|18| F || his garden patch @ | Prosperity makes phools, and |
|19| S || @ _cold with sourness_ | adversity cures them. |
|20| G || Brother Brigham | |
|21| M || rallys @ _sighns ov_ | * * * * * |
|22| T || _snow_ @ he iz sealed | |
|23| W || seven times in one | A dandy iz one ov Fashion's |
|24| T || day @ @ _sour_ | Eunuchs. |
|25| F || _with wetness_ @ @ | |
|26| S || * sealing wax | * * * * * |
|27| G || advances 10 @ @ | If yu want a true friend, hire |
|28| M || [*] cents on a stick | him bi the month, and pay him |
|29| T || now chop wood @ | fair wages. |
|30| W || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_DECEMBER MONOGRAPH._
This iz the last month in the Josh Billings Farmers Alminax. Other
dutys, ov a maskuline natur hav forced us tew haul in our gang plank. We
would like tew hav hung on a month or two longer, and made a big thing
ov it. Dear Reader we must part, and it iz like pulling angleworms out
ov their holes, almost sure tew part the angleworms. I shall think ov yu
az long az i liv, please tew resiprokate, when yu remember me, by
uttering a tear. I hav taken a kontrakt tew remove the muskeeters from
the State ov Nu Jersee, west of the Rocky Mountains, tew their new
reservashun, and i am anxious tew git the bulk ov them started before
they thaw out. I may lose mi life in the undertakin, but i have bin told
by good judges, that it is sweet tew die for ones country. I kant tell
whether this iz so or not, i never tried it. Good bye, this kussid
muskeeter kontrakt iz wearing on me.
_FAMILY MEDICINE._
_Joel Biggs' Sticking Salve._
A thing well stuck, iz stuck forever.
This salve will stick enny man.
It will undoubtedly stick the "coming man."
It haz stuck every man that haz cum yet.
No family should be without this matchless sticker.
(Unless they are too much stuck up allreddy.)
It iz put up in sticks twenty feet long,
To stick a man at a distance.
31 Days.
DECEMBER.
1870.
Q.--Let us hear yu define water? @ @ @ @ @
A.--Water iz,----iz goose bitters. @ @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Pile hi the harth, with beechen wood,
Load down the kitchen table,
Fill up the old klay pipe,
And go it while yure able._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Prognostix._ | _GOOD BYES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ @ _Cold_ @ @ | |
| 2| F || _snow_ now @ @ | I thank God most fervently for |
| 3| S || inflate sassige @ | one thing, and that iz, when |
| 4| G || "Necessity iz the | everyboddy else iz happy, i am |
| 5| M || @ () mother ov | sure to be. |
| 6| T || invenshun" @ @ | |
| 7| W || @ _more snow_ @ @ | * * * * * |
| 8| T || invenshun waz born | |
| 9| F || in Nu England @ | Love iz sed tew be blind, but i |
|10| S || @ _cold_ @ Plymouth | kno lots ov phellows in love, who |
|11| G || rock discovered @ | kan see twice az mutch in their |
|12| M || 1620 @ punch fires | sweethearts as i kan. |
|13| T || @ @ Old Zip | |
|14| W || Coon died | * * * * * |
|15| T || 1840 @ _snow_ @ too | |
|16| F || much hard @ | |
|17| S || cider floored him @ | If yu want tew git a sure krop, |
|18| G || @ @ _bitter cold_ @ | and a big yield, sow wild oats. |
|19| M || @ Santy Claws | |
|20| T || created @ year | * * * * * |
|21| W || disputed @ thare | |
|22| T || iz menny a @ @ | |
|23| F || @ rose born tew @ | The chains ov slavery are none |
|24| S || blush unseen @ @ | the lighter for being made ov |
|25| G || @ espeshilly negroes | gold. |
|26| M || [-] _more colder_ [- | |
|27| T || 1870 dies @ | * * * * * |
|28| W || pile on the @ | |
|29| T || @ @ bedclothes ¶ @ | In youth we run into difikultys, |
|30| F || good night @ @ @ @ @ | in old age, difikultys run into us. |
|31| S || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_EXTRA EKLIPSES FOR THE YEAR 1870._
There will be eklipses this year which have been overlooked by other
Allminax makers.
* * * * *
_First._--Thare will be semiockasional eklipses ov the moon, kauzed bi
brandy smashes gitting between that virtewous and pale old woman, and
the eyes ov sum ov our most promising young men.
* * * * *
_Second._--There will be a few eklipses ov the Son, kauzed bi the old
gentleman cutting oph the supplys ov Charles Fitz Henry Augustus. (Bully
for the old gentleman.)
* * * * *
_Third._--Thare will be domestik eklipses (visibel only tew the naked
eye) kauzed bi the new Comet Sorosis jumping out ov her pasture, and
cantering around promiskuss.
* * * * *
_Fourth._--Thare will be teetotal eklipse during the whole of the _Year
1870_, ov all other Allminax, throughout the earth, upper and lower
kanada, and sum parts ov Nu Jersee, kauzed bi the immense circulashun ov
the JOSH BILLINGS' FARMERS' ALLMINAX.
Pordunk Valley Rail Road.
RULES, BY-LAWS, AND REGULASHUNS.
1. Conduktors are positively forbid trieing tew pass each other on a
single track.
2. Passengers are warned ov the great danger ov standing on the
platforms,--menny a promising man haz lost hiz life by having a platform
drop from under him.
3. Positively no droves ov cattle or swine allowed on this road unless
they are travelling the same direckshun the trains are.
4. Engineers are earnestly requested tew keep their cow ketchers well
greased, and will bear in mind that when a cow iz ketched the hide
belongs tew them; but the beef and tallo iz tew be sent immejiately tew
the president of the road.
5. Enny switchman running a train oph from the trak will be find 10
dollars, and interest on the fine at the rate of 4 per cent per annum
untill the fine iz paid.
6. No konduktor iz invited tew remain on this road 10 minnits who hasn't
heard ov the 10 commandments, espeshily the one which sez "_thou shalt
not spondulick thyself with the dimes ov another_."
7. No charges made on this road for coroners' inquests.
HOW THEY DO TALK
ABOUT
Josh Billings' Farmer's Allminax
FOR THE YEAR 1870.
"Giv me liberty, or giv me deth, but if i kant hav either, giv me Josh
Billings' allminax for 1870."
* * * * *
"It kured mi wife ov wanting to die."
* * * * *
"It iz like peper sass in a hot day."
* * * * *
"The Billings Allminax will go father in a family than 12 dozen ov
ginger popp."
* * * * *
"When i am sad and lonely, i fli tew its pages, like a bumblebee tew a
full blown dandylion."
* * * * *
"It gave me grate presence ov mind."
* * * * *
"My wife brings up her ophspring, and duz all her plain sowing bi yure
allminaxes."
* * * * *
"How cooling, and perforating it iz."
_THE NATRAL HORNET_
The hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, ov sudden impreshuns, and a
sharp konklusion. The hornets alwus fites at short range, and never argy
a case, they settle all ov their disputes bi letting their javelin fly,
and are az certain, and az anxious tew hit, az a mule iz. Hornets bild
their nest whereever they take a noshun to, and seldum are asked to
move, for what would it profit a man tew murder 99 hornets, and have the
one hundred one hit him with hiz javelin. I kan't tell you jist tew a
day how long a hornet kan live, but I kno from experience, that every
bug, be he hornet or sumboddy else, who iz mad all the time, and stings
every good chance he kan git, generally outlives all ov his nabors.
_DOMESTIK RECEIPTS._
To make good ginger-snaps, take one pound of ginger, stir in a half
dozen ov lively snaps, do them to a brown, and then lock them up, or the
yung ones will hook them.
* * * * *
To learn a dog tew follow well, tie him tew the hind end ov an express
train.
* * * * *
To find out whether a man has got a good moral karakter or not, ask him
pleasantly.
* * * * *
To cure herring,--use Godfrey's Kordial.
_THE PROMISCUSS COCKROACH._
The Cockroach iz a bug at large. He iz one ov the luxurys ov
civilizashun. The Cockroach iz born on the fust ov May, and the fust ov
November semi-annually, and iz reddy for use in fifteen days from date.
They are born four from each egg, and consequently they are all twins;
thare iz no sich thing in the annals ov natur, az a single cockroach.
Their food seems to consist, not so mutch ov what they eat, az what they
kan git into, and often finding them ded, in the soup, at mi boarding
house, I have cum tew the painful conclushun, that the cockroach kan't
swim, but that he kan float for a long time.
_HINTS TEW YUNG WIFES._
1. Don't undertake tew liv with yure mother-in-law, but if wuss cums tew
a wussness, let yure mother-in-law liv with yu.
* * * * *
2. Never let yure husband kno more than one haff the affeckshun yu hav
for him.
* * * * *
3. Don't name a yung one after a bachelor brother, nor a bachelor
sister.
* * * * *
4. Observe theze rules fondly, keep yure feet dri, and yure hair slick,
and yu will prove a model wife, (and after that), an acceptable widder.
[Illustration]
I notiss one thing,--the man who rides on the kars every
day, iz satisfied with one seat, but he who rides once a year, wants
4.=
That's so. Josh Billings
[Illustration]
The man whom yu kant git to write poetry, or tell the
truth, untill yu git him haff drunk aint worth the investment.=
No sir. Josh Billings
31 Days.
JANUARY.
1871.
Q.--Who waz the best dead beat? @ @
A.--Cain: he dead beat his brother Abel. @ @
[Illustration]
_He who by the plough would thrive,
Must no 2 forty kattle drive,
But worry the ground to and fro,
With horned kritters who skasely seem to go._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _History._ | _HASH ON TOAST._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || @ _Grate cold_ @ @ | |
| 2| M || Adam born @ @ | All the good injuns die young. |
| 3| T || _cold grows_ @ | |
| 4| W || @ @ Adam had no | * * * * * |
| 5| T || mother [@] @ | Mankind love misterys, a hole |
| 6| F || @ _simptoms ov a_ | in the ground excites more wonder |
| 7| S || _thawness_ @ bi | than a star up in heaven. |
| 8| G || industry we thrive | |
| 9| M || _it looks like snow_ | * * * * * |
|10| T || Eve born @ _8_ | |
|11| W || _i shouldn't wonder_ | Jist about az cerimonys creep |
|12| T || _if it did snow_ | into one end ov a church, piety |
|13| F || Eve waz a | backs out at the other. |
|14| S || success @ @ @ | |
|15| G || grate sassige riot | * * * * * |
|16| M || in 1612 @ @ | |
|17| T || now haul ice @ @ | Blessed are they who hav no |
|18| W || 50,000 sassige | eye for a key hole. |
|19| T || destroyed @ _a thaw_ | |
|20| F || _threatens_ @ Adam | * * * * * |
|21| S || waz a confiding man | Don't mistake vivacity for wit, |
|22| G || thaw more threatensome | thare iz about az mutch difference |
|23| M || @ he took | az thare iz between lightning and |
|24| T || the chances § | a lightning bug. |
|25| W || _colder_ @ @ @ | |
|26| T || and got badly beat | * * * * * |
|27| F || @ @ _mercury_ | |
|28| S || @ _an inch_ @ @ | A coquett in love iz az tame az |
|29| G || belo zero @ @ | a bottle ov ginger pop that haz |
|30| M || @ @ beware of the | stood sum time with the corck |
|31| T || gout @ @ @ @ | pulled out. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE UNIVERSAL SWINE._
The Swine, (almost always) hav four legs, tho thare iz sum remarkable
exceptshuns to this rule. Swine are good quiet boarders; they alwus eat
what is sot before them, and don't ask enny phoolish questions. The
Swine kan be larnt a great menny amusing things, sich az highsting the
front gate oph from the hinges, and finding a hole in the fence to git
into the cornfield, but it iz dredful hard work for them tew find the
same hole tew git out at, espeshily if yu are in a hurry to hav them.
This haz never bin fully explained, but speaks vollums for the swine.
Swine can all root well, a swine that kant root well, iz a poor job.
_HINTS TEW YUNG HUSBANDS._
1. Marriage iz a fair transackshun on the face of it.
* * * * *
2. Sum marry for buty, and never diskover their mistake; this iz lucky.
* * * * *
3. Sum marry for pedigree and feel big for six months, and then cum tew
the conklusion, that pedigree aint no better than skim-milk.
* * * * *
4. Sum marry tew pleaze their relashuns and are surprized that their
relashuns don't kare a cuss for them afterwards.
* * * * *
5. Marry Yung!--thare iz but one good excuse for a marriage late in
life, and that iz,--a seckond marriage.
28 Days.
FEBRUARY.
1871.
Q.--What iz the best thing out yet for real comfort? @ @
A.--An aking tooth. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Now gather round the kitchen fire,
And pile the chunks on hier and hier,
Git out the old fiddle and partners choose,
And shake her down in your cowhide shoes._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _History._ | _CHICKEN SALLAD._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || @ @ How doth the | |
| 2| T || little bizzy bee @ | Thare iz one kritter in this |
| 3| F || _it snows_ @ @ @ | world whoze troubles yu kant |
| 4| S || sting evry good | console, and that is a setting hen. |
| 5| G || chance he kan git | |
| 6| M || now slaughter wood | * * * * * |
| 7| T || @ @ _hazy_ @ @ | Thare iz nothing like a sick |
| 8| W || Jo Smith created | bed for repentance, a man bekums |
| 9| T || @ 1818 @ | so virtewous he will often repent |
|10| F || sum snow at Montreal | ov sins that he never committed. |
|11| S || @ @ | |
|12| G || Jo Smith manufakterd | * * * * * |
|13| M || mormons @ | One ov the hardest things, for |
|14| T || _squally_ @ @ out of | enny man to do, iz tew fall down |
|15| W || phools @ @ | on the ice when it iz wet, and |
|16| T || @ virtew iz her own | then git up, and praze the Lord. |
|17| F || paymaster @ | |
|18| S || _bitter cold_ @ @ | * * * * * |
|19| G || Jo waz not a polly | Gravity iz no more posatiff |
|20| M || gamist @ @ | evidence ov wisdum, than a paper |
|21| T || @ @ _sum more_ | collar iz ov a shirt. |
|22| W || _coldness_ @ @ | |
|23| T || bully for Jo @ @ | * * * * * |
|24| F || grind stuns fust | |
|25| S || diskovered 1500 ¶ | Curiosity often gets a mouse |
|26| G || _raw but cold_ @ @ | into a trap,--jist so it duz other |
|27| M || @ whooping cough | folks. |
|28| T || iz ketching @ @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE GRITTY ANGLEWORM_.
Angleworms are ov earth, earthy, and crawl for a living. The angleworm,
tho full of grit, iz not quarrelsome. It is sed (by naturalists) that
angleworm ile, rubbed on the back ov the neck will cure a man ov lieing.
I don't beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death is the only safe
cure (that haz bin diskovered yet) for the falssehood disseaze.
Angleworms are used by sum people az an artikle ov diet--(to ketch fish
with). They are handy tew put onto a hook, and are dredful handy tew
take oph agin, az every wicked person knows who haz fished all day
Sunday for daice in a mill-pond.
_HOUSEKEEPER'S GUIDE._
To make boarding-house hash, take a little ov every thing, a good deal
ov nothing, and throw in a chunk ov sumthing; jam to a mux, cook over a
kold fire, season with hair pins, and sarve it up on the jump.
* * * * *
To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself
once in a while.
* * * * *
To find the solid contents ov a mule's hind legg, feel ov it clussly.
31 Days.
MARCH.
1871.
Q.--Who iz the coming man?
A.--The female suffragist.
[Illustration]
_Dear girls and boys, take mi advice,
And don't go on the rotten ice;
For many a gal has fell chuck in,
And thus has ketched her final ducking._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| @| @ || _History_ | _CAPER SAUCE._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || _Streaks ov wind_ | Natur never makes enny blunders; |
| 2| T || @ haul in yure | when she makes a phool, |
| 3| F || close line @ @ | she means it. |
| 4| S || | |
| 5| G || @ _windy_ @ @ | * * * * * |
| 6| M || de gustibus non | |
| 7| T || et cetera @ @ | Thare iz sum pholks in this |
| 8| W || @ _skey overkast_ @ | world who spend their whole lives |
| 9| T || | a hunting after righteousness, and |
|10| F || ignorance iz bliss @ | kant find enny time tew praktiss |
|11| S || @ bring out yure | it. |
|12| G || geese @ @ @ | |
|13| M || @ _cold wind_ @ | * * * * * |
|14| T || | Human happiness iz like the |
|15| W || and let them March | Hottentot language, enny boddy |
|16| T || _windy windness_ | kan talk it well enuff, but thare |
|17| F || @ use Higinbottoms | aint but phew kan understand it. |
|18| S || | |
|19| G || pills @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|20| M || @ _wet rain_ @ | |
|21| T || they are az mild | Grate transgreshuns seem tew |
|22| W || az a juice harp @ | baptize themselfs,--if the Devil |
|23| T || John Rogers died | had only bin gilty ov pettit |
|24| F || 1683 @ @ | larceny, he never would hav bin |
|25| S || _sum more wind_ @ | heard ov agin. |
|26| G || he fell in the | |
|27| M || fire @ @ @ | * * * * * |
|28| T || @ _8_ now tap for | |
|29| W || maple sugar @ | I dont kno ov enny thing more |
|30| T || @ _hi winds_ @ @ | remorseless, on the face ov the |
|31| F || § life iz uncertain @ | earth, than 7 per cent interest. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE BELLYCOSE GOAT._
The Goat iz a coarse wollen sheep, with a cracked voice and a sanguine
digestion. They had rather steal a rotten turnip out ov a garbage
barrell than cum honestly bi a peck ov oats. They strike from the hed
insted ov the shoulder, and are az likely tew hit the mark az a
bumblebee iz. They are faithfull kritters in the hour ov adversity, and
will stick tew a man az long az he lives in a shanty. They kan klimb
evrything but a greased pole, and are alwus poor in the boddy, but phatt
in the stummak. What they eat seems tew all go tew appetight. A phatt
Goat would be a literary curiosity.
_PREMIUMS._
_Awarded to Velosipede Riders in 1870._
To Abram Parsons, a premium ov 33-1/8 dollars for riding a velosipede
down the back stairs ov a gimnazium, and knocking out 18 ov hiz front
teeth, and distorting hiz noze.
* * * * *
To Nimrod Sturgiss, a copper medal with 9 dollars, and a nu pair ov dorg
skin gloves, for riding a velosipede into a mill-pond, and gitting
drowned.
* * * * *
To Marshall Peaboddy Smith, a puss ov 2 dollars, and a life membership
in the mackerel club, for riding a velosipede over a nu milch cow, and
splitting a telegraph pole from top tew bottom.
30 Days.
APRIL.
1871.
Q.--Define the "fust impreshun." @ @
A.--A mother's kiss. @ @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_April phool was born this month,
A simpleton, but clever;
And tho 4000 years ov age,
He's just az big a phool az ever._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _History._ | _SHRIMPS._ |
+---+--++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ _Liquid rain._ @ | A man with a very small head |
| 2| G || The violet iz | iz like a pin without enny, very |
| 3| M || blew * _showery_ @ | apt tew git into things beyond hiz |
| 4| T || hark! tis the | depth. |
| 5| W || noble bull | |
| 6| T || frog's voice @ @ | * * * * * |
| 7| F || _wet_ @ @ jews | Thare are menny people in this |
| 8| S || harps diskovered | world who are like flies, grate |
| 9| G || | bores without meaning it, or knowing|
|10| M || @ 1296 @ | it,--"shoo fly." |
|11| T || now plant | |
|12| W || gardin sass @ @ | * * * * * |
|13| T || @ Cupid born 95 | |
|14| F || _look out_ | Falling in luv iz like falling into |
|15| S || for some | molassis, sweet but dredful dobby. |
|16| G || _wetness_ @ @ | |
|17| M || Cupid is a lytle | * * * * * |
|18| T || cuss @ | |
|19| W || set out onions @ | When i see an old man marry a |
|20| T || _sumwhat wetty_ @ | yung wife, i consider him starting |
|21| F || @ now hath the | out on a bust, for i am reminded |
|22| S ||winter of our diskontent| ov the parable about mixing nu |
|23| G || @ _gentle_ | wine into old junk bottles. |
|24| M || _showers_ @ finally | |
|25| T || thawed out @ _look_ | * * * * * |
|26| W || _out for rain 8_ no | |
|27| T || kards @ _it duz rain_ | A lie iz like nitroglycerine, the |
|28| F || @ Daniel Lambert | best judges kant tell when it iz a |
|29| S || was very | going tew explode, and skatter a |
|30| G || phatt @ | muss. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE MELODIUS CAT._
The cat hath been called a domestik animile but i never could tell
whyfore. All thare iz domestix about a cat iz, yu kant loze one; they
are as tuff to loze az a bad reputashun iz. Yu may send one out ov the
state done up neatly in a meal-bag, and the next morning yu will find
him along side ov the kitchen stove reddy tew be stepped on. They are az
sollum az Mozes, but az phull ov the devil as Judas Iskariott Esq. Thare
iz only one thing about a cat that i like, and that iz, they are very
reasonable; a little money, well put, will go a grate way in cats. Cats
are very plenty in this world just now I counted 18 from mi boarding
house windo, one moon lite nite last summer, and it want the best kind
ov a nite for cats neither.
_FAMILY NOSHUNS._
To pick out a tender goose, pinch him, and if he squeals, buy him.
To make good sharp pickles, whittle oph both ends ov them tew a pint.
To find how fur a frog kan jump, set a Frenchman to meazureing hiz
jumps.
To git the affectashun out ov a man, make him sea sick, (when a man iz
sea sick he iz inclined tew thro up all phoolish things).
[Illustration]
Thare iz nothing so hard for us to understand, and so eazy for others,
az that we hav fiddled our tune out.=
Kindly yure. Josh Billings
[Illustration]
Thare iz no man so poor but what he kan afford to keep one dog,--and i
hav seen them so poor, that they could afford to keep three.=
J. Billings Esq
31 Days. MAY. 1871.
Q.--What waz the name of Shakspear's dog? @
A.--Dog-Berry. @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Now plant oats and gardin sass,
Yoke geese, and black snakes kill;
Set hens; set traps for thieving rats;
Set what you please, but don't set still_.
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _History._ | _PICKLED TONGUE._ |
+--|---||------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M ||@ Dandylions in | |
| 2| T || market @ _Soft | The man who kant find enny |
| 3| W || and barmy_ @ who | thing to do in this world, iz az bad|
| 4| T || will be queen @ | oph az a yerling heifer. |
| 5| F || @ @ of May @ | |
| 6| S || _mild_ @ it is hard | * * * * * |
| 7| G ||to tell [?] @ | |
| 8| M || @ Job waz a | I luv tew see an old person joyfull |
| 9| T ||pashunt man | but not kickuptheheelsfull. |
|10| W || _refreshing wet_ @ | |
|11| T || @ now ketch frogs | * * * * * |
|12| F || _warm wetness_ @ | |
|13| S || Job had biles @ _more | Don't lay enny certain plans |
|14| G || warmy_ @ tax | for the fewter, it iz like planting |
|15| M ||collektors | tuds and expekting tew raize |
|16| T || loafing | tudstools. |
|17| W || around @ now | |
|18| T || chew lettuce @ _hot_| * * * * * |
|19| F || @ _with rain_ @ | Thare iz no pashun ov the |
|20| S ||pole yuer beans @ | human harte, that promises so |
|21| G || @ _wind south_ | mutch, and pays so little az |
|22| M || @ Noah Webster | _revenge_. |
|23| T || waz a good speller | |
|24| W || @ _sudden rain_ @ | * * * * * |
|25| T || @ @ he had better | Thoze persons who spend all |
|26| F || spells than | their time watching their simptoms, |
|27| S || Billings @ _expekt | are the kind who _enjoy poor |
|28| G || rain sprinkles_ | health_. |
|29| M ||go in when it | |
|30| T ||rains @ | |
|31| W || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE BRINY CODFISH._
The codfish iz the fruit ov the oshun, which accounts for their being so
salt. They are good eating for a wet day; they are better than an
umbreller to keep a man dry. They want a good deal ov freshning before
they are eaten, and want freshning a good deal afterwards.
If i can have plenty ov codfish for breakfast, i can generally manage
tew make the other two meals out of cold water.
(_Advertisement._)
_MELKISIDEK BREWSTERS LIGHTNING ROD._
For drawing lightning, theze rods hav grate strength and endurance.
They will draw litening from the uttermost parts ov the earth, or pull
it in two.
Yu may bury one of theze rods 10 foot under ground, and litening will
hunt till it finds it.
Yu mite az well undertake tew eskape natral deth, or a constable's
warrent, az tew eskape litening with one ov theze rods ov yure house.
Buy one ov Melkisidek's rods, and if yu haint got enny house tew put it
on, you kan set it up at the forks ov the road, and steal all the
litening in the naberhood.
30 Days. JUNE. 1871.
Q.--What iz a good "_counter irritant_"? @ @
A.--A young dri goods clerk.
[Illustration]
_In this month, more than all the rest,
Things seem tew jump their very best;
Carrots and yungones, purp and kitten,
Like Joner's gourd, are up, and gittin._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _History._ | _PARSNIP STEW._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ Now hunt | A kicking cow never lets drive |
| 2| F ||for rozes @ | until just as the pail gets phull,--|
| 3| S || _warm hotness_ @ | it iz jiss so with sum mens |
| 4| G || @ the grasshopper | blunders. |
| 5| M ||iz a burden @ | |
| 6| T || @ _muggy wetness_ | * * * * * |
| 7| W ||natur grows @ @ | |
| 8| T || @ _hot_ @ | Whenever a minister haz |
| 9| F || @ let her grow @ | preached a sermon that pleazes |
|10| S ||now @ ho korn @ | the whole congregashun, he probably |
|11| G || _wet sighns_ @ | haz preached one that the |
|12| M || @ _ov more rain_ | Lord wont endorse. |
|13| T ||more grasshoppers | |
|14| W || born @ bet 10 | * * * * * |
|15| T ||dollars it will | |
|16| F ||rain @ | |
|17| S ||pride goes @ before | It aint mutch trubble tew bear |
|18| G ||a fall @ @ | the pain ov sumboddy else's lame |
|19| M || @ @ _exquisite | back, but tew hav the lame back |
|20| T || rains_ @ Jack and | onesself aint quite so stylish. |
|21| W ||Gill went up | |
|22| T ||the | * * * * * |
|23| F ||hill @ 1357 @ @ | |
|24| S || @ _hotter_ @ | The man who wont beleave |
|25| G ||Jack @ and Gill | enny thing he kant see, aint so |
|26| M ||cum down | wize az a mule, for they will kick |
|27| T ||the hill 1358 @ | at a thing in the dark. |
|28| W || @ now take it | |
|29| T || eazy @ | |
|30| F || | |
+------++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE FREQUENT FLY._
The fly iz not only a domestik critter, but a friendly one. How they git
born i don't kno, but i hav thought they didn't wait tew be born, but
come just az they am. Menny ov them are cut off in the flower of their
youth, and usefulness. Sum loze their lives by lighting too near the rim
ov a toad's mouth, and fall in when the toad gaps. Thousands find a
watery grave, bi gitting drowned,--in milk-cans. Flys morally considered
are like other human beings, they wont light on a good helthy spot in a
man, not if they can find a place that iz a little raw. I beleave they
are ov temprate habits, and altho they hang around grocerys a good deal,
i never see a fly the wuss for liquor, but i hav often seen liquor, that
waz a good deal the wuss for flys.
_WANTED._
Wanted, several fust class yung men, with mustash, tew hang around the
vestibules ov the different churches in amerika, and stare at the
females az they pass out.
Yung men who understand the use ov tobacco prefered.
No yung men accepted who kant stare the brass buttons oph from a
military coat, at twenty paces.
This iz a rare chance for yung men ov real genius.
Salary payable weekly.
References exchanged.
31 Days. JULY. 1871.
Q.--When iz a ship az sick az her passengers are? @
A.--When she heaves too. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Hornets now are on the wing,
Red hot, and crazy for to sting:
Oh, don't go ni the tarnal kritters!
For they are sure, and pizon hitters._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| @| @ || _History._ | _GREEN GOOSE._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ Ice iz king | Every time a man laffs he takes |
| 2| G || _hot and warm_ @ | a kink out ov the chain ov life, |
| 3| M ||Sampson waz a | and thus lengthens it. |
| 4| T || strong man _very hot_ | |
| 5| W ||he could lift a | * * * * * |
| 6| T || ton @ _hotter_ @ | |
| 7| F ||with hiz | Three skore years and ten iz |
| 8| S ||little finger @ | mans furlo, and it iz enuff,--if a |
| 9| G || @ _hot increases_ @ | man kant suffer all the mizery he |
|10| M || now beg for | wants in that time he must be |
|11| T ||ice cream | numb. |
|12| W || @ _thunder shower | |
|13| T || in the west_ @ | * * * * * |
|14| F || @ the goose iz not | |
|15| S ||a game bird @ | A crowing hen, and a cackling |
|16| G || @ _grate | rooster, are very misfortunate |
|17| M || hotness_ @ @ mad | poultry in a family. |
|18| T ||dorgs around @ _bileing | |
|19| W || hot_ @ Noah | * * * * * |
|20| T || had three sons | Man iz mi brother, and i konsider |
|21| F || _thunder and_ @ @ | that i am nearer related tew |
|22| S || @ _litening_ @ | him through hiz vices, than i am |
|23| G || @ Noah | through hiz virtews. |
|24| M || owned the ark @ | |
|25| T || _much hot_ @ in | * * * * * |
|26| W || @ Adam's fall | We should not forgit one thing-- |
|27| T || @ we sinned all @ | thare iz not a sure thing on this |
|28| F ||Yew bet, @ Andy | footstool,--even the best tooth |
|29| S || Johnson waz a | in our head may fall tew akeing |
|30| G || Taylor @ @ | before sunset and hav tew be |
|31| M || | jerked out. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE READDY ROOSTER._
Roosters are the pugilists among birds, and having no suitable shoulder
tew strike from, they strike from the heel. When a rooster gits whipped
the hens all march off with the other rooster if he aint haff so big, or
so hansum. It is pluck that wins a hen. Roosters az a class wont do enny
household work; yu kant git a rooster tew pay enny attenshun tew a
yungone. They spend most ov their time in crowing and strutting, and
once in a while they find a worm, which they make a grate fuss over,
calling their wives up from a distance, apparently tew treat them, but
jist az the hens git thare, this elegant cuss bends over, and gobbles up
the worm.
Jist like a man for all the world!
_HOUSEHOLD COMFORTS._
Tew git rid ov cockroaches,--sell yure house, and lot, and flee tew the
mountains.
Tew make a slapjax that will do grate service,--cut it out ov buckskin,
and fri it tew a koal black on a greaseless griddle.
Tew pick out a good husband!--shut up both eyes, grab hard, and trust in
the Lord.
Tew make a kat mad,--trod on her continuashun.
31 Days. AUGUST. 1871.
Q.--Why iz woman like an echo? @ @
A.--Bekauze she will hav the last word. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_All nature bileth.
Roosters pant and so do lizzards;
The mules upon the dusty road
Kan't raise a trot, to save their gizzards._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| @| @ || _History._ | _GIBLETS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || _warm with_ @ | |
| 2| W || @ _hot streaks_ | Lazyness iz a good deal like |
| 3| T || Jack | money,--the more a man haz ov |
| 4| F || the giant killer @ | it the more he seems tew want. |
| 5| S || _much hotness_ @ | |
| 6| G || @ killed a giant | * * * * * |
| 7| M || 1250 @ _look out | |
| 8| T || for a grate hot_ @ | It iz hard work at fust sight, tew |
| 9| W || the giant waz 25 | see the wisdom in a rattle snake |
|10| T ||foot square @ @ | bite, but thare are thousand ov |
|11| F || _hot_ @ @ @ in | folks who never think ov their sins |
|12| S || his stocking feet | until they are bit bi a rattlesnake.|
|13| G || _cooler_ @ oh for | |
|14| M || a lodge in | * * * * * |
|15| T || sum vast woods | |
|16| W || _thunder and_ @ | "A poor, but dishonest cuss!"--this |
|17| T || @ _litening_ @ | iz about az low down az |
|18| F || on a straw matrass | enny man kan get, unless he drinks |
|19| S || @ _more_ | whiskee. |
|20| G || @ _hotter_ @ now | |
|21| M || dig for mint | * * * * * |
|22| T || juleps @ | |
|23| W || _gigantik rain_ @ | Living on hope iz like living on |
|24| T || @ let her drizzle | wind, a good way tew git phull |
|25| F || _very heaty_ @ @ | but a poor way tew git phatt. |
|26| S || meazles diskovered | |
|27| G || @ 1600 @ _hot_ | * * * * * |
|28| M || snakes lively @ my | |
|29| T || name iz | It iz human tew err,--but devlish |
|30| W || Norval @ | tew brag on it. |
|31| T || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE DOOCED MONKEY._
The monkey iz only valuable tew look at, and wonder what in thunder he
iz a going tew do next. He haz not got a Webster head, but hiz face iz a
biled down dew drop ov malishus cunning. He resembles the skey terrier
in the bild ov hiz features, and skratches his head az natral az the
school boy,--and probably for similar reasons. They are sumtimes kept az
pets, but if enny boddy should pet me with a monkey, i should send him
right back bi the same person who brought him, marked with _Baldwin The
Clothiers_ trademark,--C. O. D.
_KONNEKTIKUT BLEW LAWS._
1. No man must chu enny tobbacko on the sabbath day unless he goes down
cellar and duz it.
2. No yung woman haz a right tew be had in matrimony unless she kan make
a good doe nut out ov rhy bran, and one that will keep a year in a damp
place, without loseing its twist.
3. If a man gits drunk, he must git drunk on Nu England rum.
4. No man shall be entitled tew work on the road, or set on the jury,
who aint handy with the 10 commandments.
[Illustration]
If a young man haint got a well ballanced hed, i like to see him part
hiz hair in the middle.=
Dont yu, Josh Billings
[Illustration]
It iz one ov the hardest
things on earth for a man
to learn,--that he plays a
third rate game ov whist.=
No doubt, Josh Billings
30 Days.
SEPTEMBER.
1871.
Q.--What is wealth? @ @ @
A.--Baggage at the risk of the owner. @ @
[Illustration]
_The carrion crow sits straddle the fence,
Trying az hard az he can to weep,
Az he thinks ov death and its consequence
To spavined hosses and rickety sheep._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _History._ | _CRANBERRY SAUS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F ||@ _Exquisit and | |
| 2| S || soft wind |Love is like the meazles, we |
| 3| G ||melts_ @ angels |kan't hav it bad but once, and the |
| 4| M || seen bi |later in life we hav it the tuffer it|
| 5| T || moonlite |goes with us. |
| 6| W ||_fragrant showers_ @ | |
| 7| T |@ fust poet | * * * * * |
| 8| F ||born 642 @ _limpid |The miser who heaps up gains |
| 9| S || tenderness_ @ |tew gloat over, iz like a hog in a |
|10| G ||_cam and cool_ @ |pen, fatted for a show. |
|11| M ||stars twitter @ | |
|12| T || @ azure twilight | |
|13| W ||_wind sow bi sow | * * * * * |
|14| T || west_ @ lovers | |
|15| F ||meet @ |Most every one seems tew be |
|16| S || @ _soft showers_ @ |willing to be a phool himself, bu |
|17| G || and kiss @ harvest |he kant bear to have enny boddy |
|18| M ||yure pumpkins @ |else one. |
|19| T || @ _slick weather_ | |
|20| W ||hark! from the | * * * * * |
|21| T ||tombs a doleful | |
|22| F ||sound @ _soft wind_ | |
|23| S ||Tom Corwin |The man who haint got an |
|24| G ||waz a wagon |enemy, iz really poor. |
|25| M || boy @ | |
|26| T ||_tender winds_ @ | * * * * * |
|27| W || @ on linden | |
|28| T ||when the |Advise iz like kastor ile, eazy |
|29| F ||sun @ waz low |enuff to giv, but dredful uneazy |
|30| S || |tew take. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE LOAFING RACCON._
The Raccon iz a native amerikan. His family consists ov one wife, and
three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree. During the
winter he ties himself up in a hard knot, and lays down bi hiz fire
side. When spring opens, he opens too, and goes out tew see how the
chickens hav wintered. I never knew a raccon tew want enny thing long,
that he could steal quick. I hav had tame coons bi the dozen, but i dont
advise enny boddy tew cultivate coons; they want as much waiting on az a
blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more real proffit in them,
than thare iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie railroad.
_HOME DOINGS._
Tew freshen a salt mackerel,--tow him one summer behind a steam bote.
Tew make a man good mad,--starch hiz stockings a leetle too stiff.
Tew be one ov the "_oldest inhabitants_," remember very well, when yung
Nebudkenezzer waz a babe.
Tew be happy,--eat molasses, and swing on a gate.
31 Days.
OCTOBER.
1871.
Q.--What did Joner do while in the whale's stumak?
A.--The best thing he did waz tew git out ov it. @
[Illustration]
_Sweet cider now, and punkin pize,
And maidens fair, and doughnuts greasy:
Who wouldn't be a farmer's boy,
So phull ov phun, so free and eazy?_
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _History._ | _BEEFSTAKE AND ONIONS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || _Gentle frost_ @ |Thare aint but phu men who |
| 2| M || @ cider invented |kan stick a white hankerchief into |
| 3| T || 1536 @ _sighns |the brest pocket ov their overcut |
| 4| W || ov snow_ @ _wind_ @ |without letting a leetle ov it |
| 5| T || _shifty_ @ _it may |stick out,--just bi acksident. |
| 6| F || snow, and it may | * * * * * |
| 7| S || not_ @ _calm |A cheerful old man, or old |
| 8| G || coldness_ @ now |woman, iz like the south side ov |
| 9| M || potatoes dig @ _wind_ |a wood shed, in the last ov |
|10| T || @ _nor by |winter. |
|11| W || nor west_ @ | |
|12| T || @ David slewed | * * * * * |
|13| F || Goliar | |
|14| S || _cooler_ @ with a | Men mourn for what they hav |
|15| G || small rock @ hens |lost, wimmin for what they |
|16| M || begin to lay @ |hain't got. |
|17| T || | |
|18| W || _snow squalls_ @ | * * * * * |
|19| T || _cold_ @ let it | It iz very eazy tew repent ov |
|20| F || squall who cares @ |sins we hav committed, but to |
|21| S || |repent ov thoze we intend tew |
|22| G || @ @ Eve waz the |commit, iz asking too mutch ov enny |
|23| M || first woman @ |man theze days. |
|24| T || _raw cold_ @ @ | |
|25| W || who fooled | * * * * * |
|26| T || her man | |
|27| F || | Pitty costs nothing,--and aint |
|28| S || _sharp frost_ @ | wuth nothing. |
|29| G || | |
|30| M || @ down with @ | |
|31| T || @ the taxes @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_THE THOUGHTFUL FOX._
The Fox iz a literary bird; he waz a genius long before akedemick honors
flourished; he waz a poet, skoller, and sage, before the days ov Homer
and Herodotus; and in our times he iz the Ben Butler ov diplomacy, and
the Brigham Yung ov matrimonial ethicks. The fox haz no moral honesty
but he haz got a grate supply of _politikal honesty_. If another Fox in
hiz parish wants a good phatt goose, he will work hard tew git him the
goose, and having cleaned the meat all oph from the subburbs ov the
goose, giv hiz politikal friend the bones, telling him with a smile in
hiz eye, "_that every thing iz lovely and the goose hangs hi_."
[_Advertisement._]
_MADAM FILKINS LIQUOR FOR BABES._
Cures hooping coff, meazels, pane in the side, mumps, teething, cancer,
rickets, redgum, and bawling.
Cures gout, hang nails, _wont go tew sleep_, stummak ake, and _want
every thing they see_.
Removes warts, wens, wigglings, an wizenface.
Mothers lament for Madam Filkins liquor for babes.
Babes bawl for it.
Nurses pray for it.
Fathers buy it bi the barrell.
30 Days.
NOVEMBER.
1871.
Q.--What iz ginger pops? @ @ @ @
A.--Gim-nastick water. @ @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_The bullfrog haz hung up hiz fiddle,
The bug and the cricket are still;
No more can be heard in the marshes,
The musketo fileing hiz bill._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| @| @ || _History._ | _SLAP JACKS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || _Sour and_ @ | |
| 2| T || @ _sad_ @ | A dog iz the only thing on this |
| 3| F || grate skassity ov | earth that luvs yu more than he |
| 4| S || grasshoppers @ | luvs himself. |
| 5| G || _sour and_ @ @ | |
| 6| M || _chilly_ @ | * * * * * |
| 7| T || Brigham Young | Lies are like illegitimate children,|
| 8| W || born 1818 @ | liable to call a man _Father_! |
| 9| T || _cold_ @ _Brigham_ | when he least expekts it. |
|10| F || was a _youngster_ @ | |
|11| S || _snow on the_ | * * * * * |
|12| G || _mountains_ | A gentleman iz a gentleman the |
|13| M || @ in time of | world over,--it iz only the loafers |
|14| T || peace | that differ. |
|15| W || prepare for | |
|16| T || war @ | * * * * * |
|17| F || _raw rain_ @ @ | |
|18| S || @ now lay in | What men kant do they are |
|19| G || a bad cold @ | very apt tew admire,--they dont |
|20| M || for winter @ | criticize a mountain bekause they |
|21| T || @ _it snows_ @ | kant make one. |
|22| W || the festive | |
|23| T || cockroach | * * * * * |
|24| F || haz fled @ | |
|25| S || | Sekrets are cussid poor property |
|26| G || @ winter draws | enny how; if yu cirkulate them |
|27| M || ni @ _cold and_ | yu loze them, and if yu keep them |
|28| T || _clammy_ @ kats | yu loze the interest on the |
|29| W || swell with | investment. |
|30| T || crossness @ @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_KALKULASHUNS OV A PROGNOSTIX NATUR._
Whenever yu see a flok ov geese all standing on one leg, except the old
gander, and he chawing hiz cud, look out for a south-west wind tewmorow,
or the next day, or the day after, or at sum fewter time.
Should thare be cold weather during Febuary, and should roosters refuse
to crow, and the taxgatherer forgit tew call on yu, yu will hav tew
trust in Providence, and go it blind, for thare aint no man kan
prognostix what will cum next.
Whenever dogs are seen travelling around with nothing to do and old
maids refuse their tea, and hop vines wont klimb, and grind stuns wont
grind, then yu may expekt a lite crop ov oats, and beans wont pay for
harvesting.
If the sun rizes in the east, and sets in the west, and the bull frogs
sings sams in the marshes, and thare aint no pulling hair in the family
circle, things are about az near right az yu can git them.
Should there be no dew on the grass, in the morning before sunrise, it
iz an infallible prognostix, that thare didn't enny dew fall.
Whenever yu see two crows on the railfence, one white and the other
black, edgeing up to each other, look out for a nigger in the wood
pile.
31 Days. DECEMBER. 1871.
Q.--What is pity? @ @ @ @ @
A.--Cheap charity, @ @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Now kil pigs and bucher hens,
Murder geese and ducks that quack,
Chop down wood, and sassage make,
And evenings play----Hylojack._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _History._ | _OYSTER PADDYS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ 1871 haz | One ov the fussyest scenes i |
| 2| S || about pegged | ever beheld waz two old maids |
| 3| G || out @ | waiting on one sick bachelor. |
| 4| M || _bitter cold_ @ @ | |
| 5| T || @ Homer waz a | * * * * * |
| 6| W || good poet | |
| 7| T || eggs dredful | Revenge iz just az natral to |
| 8| F || uncommon @ | flow az milk,--yu will see little |
| 9| S || _grate sno storm_ @ | boys club the post that they bump |
|10| G || @ Congress iz a | their head against. |
|11| M || sitting @ @ | |
|12| T || _cold_ @ but don't | * * * * * |
|13| W || @ hatch out ennything | |
|14| T || @ _wind_ | Opinyuns are like turnips, worth |
|15| F || _north_ @ @ | just what they will fetch. |
|16| S || beware of false | |
|17| G || proffits _ice iz_ | * * * * * |
|18| M || _from 12 inches to_ | |
|19| T || _a foot thick_ @ @ | Courage without discreshun, iz |
|20| W || Soloman waz a | like a ram with horns on both |
|21| T || smart man @ | ends, he will hav more fights on |
|22| F || @ _sighns ov a thaw_ | hand, than he kan do justiss to. |
|23| S || he waz a good | |
|24| G || judge ov the sex @ | * * * * * |
|25| M || _colder_ @ the | |
|26| T || year drops its | When yu find a man who iz |
|27| W || curtain @ _the wind_ | very solisitus about the welfare ov |
|28| T || _moans_ @ farewell | everyboddy, yu kan safely put him |
|29| F || my countrymen @ | down az one who iz hunting for a |
|30| S || | misfortune. |
|31| G || | |
+--+---+-------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_LETTER TO FARMERS._
_Beloved Farmers_:
Agrikultur iz the mother ov farm produce; she iz also the step-mother ov
gardin sass.
Rize at haff past 2 o'clock in the morning, bild up a big fire in the
kitchen, burn out two pounds ov kandels, and grease yure boots.
Wait pashuntly for da brake. When day duz brake, then commense tew stir
up the geese and worry the hogs.
Too mutch sleep iz ruinous tew geese and tew hogs. Remember yu kant git
ritch on a farm, unless yu rize at 2 o'clock in the morning, and stir up
the hogs and worry the geese.
The happyest man in the world iz the farmer; he rizes at 2 o'clock in
the morning, he watches for da lite tew brake, and when she duz brake,
he goes out and stirs up the geese and worrys the hogs.
What iz a lawyer?--What iz a merchant?--What iz a doktor?--What iz a
minister?--I answer, nothing
A farmer iz the nobless work ov God; he rizes at 2 o'clock in the
morning, and burns out a haff a pound ov wood and two kords ov kandels,
and then goes out tew worry the geese and stir up the hogs.
Beloved farmers, adew.
Josh Billings.
_EXTRAKT OV LETTERS_.
_Fredom Senter, Nov. 17th, 1870._
FRIEND BILLINGS:
Thi Allmanax for 1871 waz good for the flesh, az well az for the soul ov
man; it fatted me distinktly on the ribs. _I remane thine._
_Obadiah Broadbrim._
* * * * *
MR. BILLINGS:
We shall hereafter embody yure Allmanaxes in our journal.
_Editor of London Athaneum._
* * * * *
DEAR JOSH BILLINGS:
Enklosed in this letter, yu will find 17 cents for one allmanaxt; i am
poor, and this iz all the money i hav got, and i haint got no live
mother.
_Charley Briggs, Jun._
* * * * *
_Klamburgh, Oktober 30, 1870._
DEAR MISSER JOSH:
The lor bles yuse, and yuse allmanaksts for 1871; it made dis chile
perspire gratuitussly wid bliss.
Yure cullud person friend,
_Josepheen Johnsing._
* * * * *
MISTER JOSHUA BILLINGS:
I hav both ov yure 2 allmanaxes for 1870 and 1871, and wish yu would
send me bi the barrow yure allmanaxes for 1872 and 1873 and 1874,
exklusive. I will emit the munny in a fu daze. No more now from yure
loveing friend, _Jerusha Sheldon_, dauter ov widdo Sheldon, near
Spraker's Mill, on the Coshokton pike.
_HOROSKOPE FOR JANUARY._
The yung gentleman born this month will remane a bachelor untill hiz 16
year, and will hav kurly hair. He will finally settle down still, and
marry for life. Hiz father will be a grate lover ov phast horses. He
will liv tew be over 60 years ov age, and die worth about 750 dollars,
klear ov awl debt.
* * * * *
The yung lady born this month will kno how tew pla on the pianner, and
nit worsted. She will be a blondy, and be near sited, and fall in luv
with grate diffikulty. She will finally git wedded tew the man she
marrys, and her whole life will be eazy. If she marrys the seckond time
her husband will be a dentist or an alderman.
_ADVICE TEW YUNG KLERGYMEN._
Dont preach the gospel for less than 850 dollars a year, salary payable
quarterly in advance.
A congregashun who kant afford tew pay 850 dollars a year, want a
missionary more than they do a klergyman.
Be sure and run the church; don't let the church run you.
Az i sed up at the top, git az mutch ov yure salary az possible in
advance, for i dont kno ov enny det so hard tew kollekt az a minister's
salary, after it once gits kold.
[Illustration]
It iz so eazy to advise another fellow to set down in a
dentists chair, and hav a big dubble tooth jerkt out, that i hav often
wondered whi we didn't try it ourselfs.=
Less so. Josh Billings
[Illustration]
I say to 2 thirds ov the ritch people in this world--make
the most ov yure money, for it makes the most ov yu.=
Happy thought.--Josh Billings
31 Days.
JANUARY.
1872.
Q.--Who had the best artikle ov pashunce? @ @
A.--Job. His pashunce waz biled down to a spot. @ @
[Illustration]
_A stirring man iz nabor Bush,
Yu never ketched him idle;
Six daze he works, and sundaze he
Salts geese, and reads the bible._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _RAMRODS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || @ Now pik geese @ | Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but |
| 2| T || @ _awful_ | vanity alwus keeps _one I_ open. |
| 3| W || _kold_ @ @ | |
| 4| T || | |
| 5| F || thou shalt not | * * * * * |
| 6| S || commit | |
| 7| G || swareing @ | Thare iz nothing in this world |
| 8| M || @ @ _more sighns_ | that a man pays so hi a price for, |
| 9| T || _ov kold_ | and gits so little ov hiz munny |
|10| W || @ @ now bruize wood | back, as he duz for Repentance. |
|11| T || @ _it iz kold_ @ | |
|12| F || @ Jim | * * * * * |
|13| S || Sheriden | |
|14| G || born 1818 @ | I hav finally cum tew the |
|15| M || _now expekt_ | konklushun, if a man kant be born |
|16| T || _a thaw_ @ | but once, he had better issue |
|17| W || @ Jim | proposals tew hav it dun sumwhare |
|18| T || waz a | in Nu England. |
|19| F || fiddler @ @ | |
|20| S || @ _it duz thaw_ @ | |
|21| G || @ thare are no | * * * * * |
|22| M || fiddlers | |
|23| T || in heaven @ | The only human being on the |
|24| W || _thaw kontinues_ @ | face ov this earth that I really |
|25| T || in kase ov | envy, iz a laffing Christian. |
|26| F || doubt, lead | |
|27| S || trumps @ | * * * * * |
|28| G || @ _the thaw freezes_ | |
|29| M || @ now | Men ov little authority are like |
|30| T || mix | men ov little strength--alwus |
|31| W || sassige @ @ @ | anxious tew lift sumthing. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR FEBUARY._
The man born this month will be good looking, but too mutch prone tew
toe in when he walks. He will hav 2 wifes, and a small hand, except when
he plays whist; then he will hav a big one. Hiz fust wife will be
kross-eyed, but hiz seckond one will be kross all over. He will hav 4
children, who will all pass through the meazles, with grate credit tew
themselfs and no disgrace tew the meazles.
* * * * *
The yung female born during this month will show grate judgement in
sorting her lovers, and will finally marry a real estate agent. She will
hav a phew failings; but who cares? she wouldn't be interesting if she
didn't. At 28 she will be a widow, and at stated intervals will be
inklined tew gush a little. (_For the sake of variety we say, let her
gush._)
* * * * *
_A GOOD FAMILY JOB._
(_To kure bed bugs._)
Bile the bed bugs tew a gravy; then take equal parts ov sassyfrass rutes
and mingle with the gravy; then find a hoel in the ground that aint
occupied; then pour the gravy into the hoel; then fasten up the hoel
with 2 pounds ov gunpowder; then tutch off the hoel with a 10 foot poel;
then run like litening. If this don't kure the bed bugs, and the hoel
too, they hav both got it the natral way, and kan't be healed.
29 Days.
FEBRUARY.
1872.
Q.--What iz the surest gait on the road? @ @
A.--A toll-gate. @ @
[Illustration]
_Sim Blodget waz an awful brag,
Alwus telling sumthing or nuther,----
"Square Brown and he kept 60 cows!"
The square kept 59, and Sim the tuther._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _THISSELS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ _Kold, but sharp_ | Thare iz two kind ov men that |
| 2| F || @ @ When this | i dont kare to meet when i am in |
| 3| S || yu see, remember | a grate hurry: men that i owe, |
| 4| G || me @ @ | and men that want to owe me. |
| 5| M || _sighns ov kold_ @ | |
| 6| T || now puntch | * * * * |
| 8| T || _weather inkreases_ | Jokes are like butternuts. To |
| 9| F || @ @ Dave Larkin | be good, they musn't be cracked |
|10| S || born 1763 @ @ | flatways. |
|11| G || | |
|12| M || @ _wind north_ @ | * * * * * |
|13| T || Dave Larkin | |
|14| W || waz | |
|15| T || a | It iz just az natral tew be born |
|16| F || hoss jockey @ | poor az tew be born naked, and |
|17| S || _snow, mixt with_ | it iz no more disgrace. |
|18| G || _kold_ @ | |
|19| M || Dave Larkin delt | * * * * * |
|20| T || in | |
|21| W || saw-hosses @ | Truth iz like the burr docks on |
|22| T || _kold, but bitter_ @ | the end ov a cow's tail: the more |
|23| F || @ Oh! cockroach, | she shakes them oph, the less she |
|24| S || whare iz | gits rid ov them. |
|25| G || thine | |
|26| M || sting? @ | * * * * * |
|27| T || _kold gits more so_ | |
|28| W || @ now giv in | I think young coxcombs end |
|29| T || marriage @ | their lives az old sloven. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR MARCH._
The man born this month will be inklined tew blow a little. He will be a
domestik man, and will kno how to rok the kradle and pare potatoze. He
will marry the only daughter of a widdo, and will be a good judge of
mothers-in-law. He will die about the usual time in life, and leave a
house and lot, with a small mortgage on it. He never will run for offiss
but once, and then will git beat.
* * * * *
The woman who appears this month will be an old maid till she is 20
years old, and then will sudenly put a stop tew this kind ov bizzness,
by investing in a yung man. She will be a good housekeeper, and kno how
tew make a plum puddin, with the plums left out. She will hang on to her
buty till she iz about 45; after that, she will hav to take her chances.
* * * * *
[_Advertizement._]
Professor John Spruce (_graduate_) begs leaf tew inform the citizens ov
Pordunk village that he will open a school for male yung men, over
Nikodemus Bradley's waggon shop, in whitch will be taught the nobel art
of chawing gum, in all the hier branches.
_Private lessons_ administered tew yung ladiz at their boarding-house.
The Professor pledges himself tew teach, in six easy lessons, the
gum-chawing science tew a spot.
_N. B.--Seckond hand gum alwus on hand, for sale low._
31 Days.
MARCH.
1872.
Q.--Who iz the champion ov lite weights? [@]
A.--The Nu Jersey muskeeter. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Dame Barker had a yerling hen,
Who swore she'd set, or raze the dickens;
The dame sot her on an ear ov korn,
And razed a bushel an haff ov chickens._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _CODICILS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ _Breezy_ @ @ | |
| 2| S || Klam soup | To work iz the grate law ov |
| 3| G || diskovered 1500 @ | natur. If the woodchuck ever |
| 4| M || _sighns ov wind_ @ | dont bild enny hole, he wont |
| 5| T || Jim Pettybone | hav one. It iz true he may steal |
| 6| W || created 1312 @ @ | one; but then sum other woodchuck |
| 7| T || Jim waz | will hav tew dig two. |
| 8| F || an intemperance | |
| 9| S || man [(@)] | * * * * * |
|10| G || _mutch wind_ @ | |
|11| M || Jim Pettybone died | |
|12| T || @ _wind grows_ @ | Thare are folks who dont do |
|13| W || Jim died | enny hard work but watch their |
|14| T || ov the | simptoms. I hav saw dogs akt |
|15| F || triangular | just az sensibel. I hav saw a |
|16| S || lemons @ | rat-tarrier watch the simptoms ov a |
|17| G || _fresh, but windy_ | knot-hole in a board-fence all day, |
|18| M || @ now dig angle- | for sum rat tew cum forth, and no |
|19| T || worms @ @ | for sum rat tew cum forth, and no |
|20| W || _wind rizes_ @ @ | rat didnt cum forth. |
|21| T || Lafayette waz | |
|22| F || A | * * * * * |
|23| S || friend to | |
|24| G || this | |
|25| M || land @ @ @ | I alwus did admire the malice |
|26| T || _wind_ | ov the mule. If a freak ov fortune |
|27| W || _inklined tew_ | had made me az misfortunate |
|28| T || be windy @ | amung men az the mule iz amung |
|29| F || @ Tom Hyer waz | animilds, i would begin tew let |
|30| S || a | drive at things a mile an a haff |
|31| G || pugilissimus [§§] | off. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR APRIL._
The man born this month will hav a liquid temprament, but not
necessarily inklined tew licker. Hiz grate aim will be tew git married;
and he will git hiz bird, bi marrying a butiful and also good-looking
wife. They will liv happy az two lambs, and leave one son, whom they
intended should be president ov the United States, but who very wisely
konkluded tew be a merchant taylor.
* * * * *
The lady born this month will hav blew eyes, and a full set ov teeth.
Her heart will be az tender az a porterhouse steak. She will keep a lap
dorg, who will hav weak eyes, and whose christian name will be Fanny.
She will die and leave a bed-quilt, which will go down tew posterity,
with upwards of 7 hundred blocks in it.
[_Advertizement._]
_JOB SARGENT'S KLENSING SOPE._
Job Sargent, being ov sound mind, and expressly afrade ov the devil,
dont hesitate tew say that his klensing sope will take the spots oph
from everything.
1st. It will remove the spots from a coach dog in 3 daze.
2d. It will take the spots oph from a ten ov dimonds in 15 minnits.
3d. Kan the leopard change his spots?--i answer it kan, bi using Job
Sargent's only klensing sope.
4th. Persons ov a spotless reputashun, and anxious tew keep so, will
never be without this sope.
5th. Job Sargent never told a lie--so did George Washington.
30 Days.
APRIL.
1872.
Q.--What iz the fastest trotting-time on reckord?
A.--I dont kno az I kare. @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_A sloven farmer waz old Snyder;
He spent his time a drinkin syder.
Together he worked a cow and muel,
And never sent his boys tew skewel._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _HOOKS_ AND _EYES_. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || @ Now sort yure | |
| 2| T || rats @ @ | Yu kant konvert sinners bi |
| 3| W || _sum rain_ @ | preaching the gospel tew them at |
| 4| T || sow yure hoss- | haff-price. Enny sinner who iz |
| 5| F || radish @ @ | anxious tew git hiz religion in |
| 6| S || @ _hot, but wet_ @ | that way iz satisfied with a poor |
| 7| G || @ hoss-radish iz a | artikle. |
| 8| M || smart vegatable @ | |
| 9| T || @ Bill Kurtis | * * * * * |
|10| W || born 1749 @ @ @ | |
|11| T || @ _sighns ov rain_ @ | Prudes are coquets gone tew |
|12| F || | seed. |
|13| S || Bill Kurtis had | |
|14| G || a | * * * * * |
|15| M || wodden leg @ @ | |
|16| T || _mild, but pleazant_ | |
|17| W || @ @ now bury beans | Thare iz no better evidence ov |
|18| T || @ @ _warm wet_ | wisdum than tew beleave what we |
|19| F || @ beans are a | kant understand. |
|20| S || joyful krop @ | |
|21| G || @ _wind soft_ @ | |
|22| M || thou shalt not steal | * * * * * |
|23| T || @ _more wet_ @ | |
|24| W || plant pickels | Yu will alwus notis one thing: |
|25| T || for arly cow- | the devil never offers tew go into |
|26| F || kumbers @ @ | partnership with a bizzy man; |
|27| S || @ _soft breezes_ @ | but yu will often see him offer |
|28| G || now lend umbrellers | tew jine the lazy, and furnish all |
|29| M || @ @ _hot_ @ | the capital. |
|30| T || now jerk lettiss @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR MAY._
The gentleman who invests hiz life in this month will be very quick
tempered, espeshily when a hornet lights on him in anger. His mother
will set a good deal by him, espeshily when he iz in the kradle. He will
hav the mumps very light, and will spend most ov his life intending tew
marry, but will die at last with a half dozen old maids on hiz hands.
The wash wimmin will remember him az the man who never wore paper
collars.
* * * * *
The lady born this month will fust be a bud, and afterwards a blossom.
Her heart will be az full ov twitter as a kanary bird on a perch. She
will hav twilight hair. She will hav menny lovers. She will be
reasonabel fond ov silk clothes, but her grate joy will be in a bonnet.
She will hav az little jealousy az it is prudent for a woman tew hav.
_CHOICE OLD RECEIPTS._
To learn a kat how tew bite--feed her on kat nip tea.
* * * * *
To remove goose pimples (from a goose)--loose the goose.
* * * * *
To kure a weak back--lay still for a week ahead.
* * * * *
To make yure mark--fall out ov a third story windo.
* * * * *
To ketch a bad kold--lay down on the ground, and watch for it, bi
moonlite.
[Illustration]
Kats are plenty. I kounted 18 from mi boarding hous
window one night last summer--and it wasn't a fust rate nite for kats
neither.=
A sollum fakt. Josh Billings
[Illustration]
One ov the most unfortunate men in this world--iz a third
rate fiddler,=
Yure warm friend
Josh Billings
31 Days.
MAY.
1872.
Q.--Who got the fust caneing? @ @
A.--Abel. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Now in the ground hide unyun seed,
Bury korn, and beetz, and lettiss;
Chuck in sum peas, and lima beans,
If the arth dont seem tew wettish._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _PLUMB PUDDIN._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || | |
| 2| T || @ Now kount yure | If i waz a-going tew civilize a |
| 3| F || bees @ | parcel ov heathen (bi the job) |
| 4| S || @ _wet showers_ @ | on sum distant, far off, and remote |
| 5| G || expekt grass @ | ile, i should debate sum |
| 6| M || @ Mary Spalding | time in mi mind which tew send, |
| 7| T || born 1642 @ @ | an invoice ov dancing-masters or |
| 8| W || _warm, but sunny_ | missionarys. |
| 9| T || @ Mary Spalding | |
|10| F || waz a widder @ | * * * * * |
|11| S || @ _rain_ @ | |
|12| G || now plant tudstools | Hope haz made a grate menny |
|13| M || | blunders; but thare iz one thing |
|14| T || @ _hot, but cool_ @ | about her that I alwus did like: |
|15| W || all men were born | she means well. |
|16| T || free and equal @ | |
|17| F || @ _more warmy_ @ | * * * * * |
|18| S || Joner waz | |
|19| G || et bi | Most ennyboddy thinks he kan |
|20| M || a whale @ @ @ | keep a good hotel (and he kan); |
|21| T || @ _expekt rain_ @ | but this akounts for the grate |
|22| W || @ dandylions draw | number of kussid mean ones all |
|23| T || ni @ @ _hot_ | over the country. |
|24| F || _mildness_ | |
|25| S || now fall in love @ | * * * * * |
|26| G || @ _warm inkreases_ | |
|27| M || David Perkins | Whenever yu hear a man who |
|28| T || waz | alwus wants tew bet hiz bottom |
|29| W || a | dollar, you kan make up yure |
|30| T || hansum | mind that that iz the size ov hiz |
|31| F || man @ @ @ @ | pile. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR JUNE._
The male individual born during June will be one of 7 children, but not
the only one. He will hav 3 brothers, and one sister, who will marry a
hard shell baptist preacher. He will studdy law, and enter the profeshun
with gilt edge prospekts, but his fust klient being a counterfiter, whom
he succeeds in gitting clear, and receiving 50 dollars in counterfit
money for his services, disgusts him with the bizzness.
* * * * *
The female who appears on the platform this month will alwus hav cause
tew wonder whi she did it. Her father will be a skool teacher, and he
will bring her up in the distrikt skool bizzness. At 29 years and six
months she will marry, and will be well edukated in the dutys ov a wife,
for she will understand Daball's arithmetik, and parseing, just az eazy
az falling down the cellar stairs. She will hav but one son, and he will
be edukated oph from hiz feet at an early age.
_ANNOUNCEMENT EXTRORNARY._
(_Advertizement._)
Phelix Phungus (_dog dokter_), late ov the royal vetenary college, and
12 years in a doggery in the old country, offers hiz services tew the
Pordunk people. He kan remove fleas from a dog in 16 minnits; he kan
take the krook out ov a dog's tail in 13 minnits; he kan learn a dog tew
lie in front ov a fire all day in 12 minnits; he kan tell how fast a dog
kan run hitched tew a tin pail in 3 minnits; and kan tell how mutch
sassage he will make bi just hefting him. Consultashuns free.
P. P. D. D. PHELIX PHUNGUS, DOG DOKTOR.
30 Days.
JUNE.
1872.
Q.--Who waz the weakest man? @
A.--Fred Bennett couldnt lift hiz note for fifteen dollars. @
[Illustration]
_Mary Moore iz a farmer's lass,
She's winsum az a pozy;
The chap who ketches Mary Moore,
Wont be no kuntry josey._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _ROOTS_ AND _ARBS_. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ _Sweetly warm_ | |
| 2| G || @ now grab roses | 8 wont go into 6, and hav |
| 3| M || @ _frequent wet_ @ | ennything left over. Menny a |
| 4| T || John Smith born | yung phellow haz found out this |
| 5| W || in the year 4 @ | bi trieing tew git a number 6 boot |
| 6| T || @ _slitely hot_ @ | on. |
| 7| F || John Smith waz a | |
| 8| S || good investment @ | * * * * * |
| 9| G || _warm, but growy_ | |
|10| M || | Thare iz nothing a man will git |
|11| T || @ John Smith | so sick ov az too mutch molasses. |
|12| W || waz | (_Sweet girls, make a note ov |
|13| T || better than | this._) |
|14| F || kompound interest | |
|15| S || @ _now imbibe_ | * * * * * |
|16| G || _fragrance_ @ | |
|17| M || @ bully for John | Prudery iz often like the chesnutt- |
|18| T || Smith @ | burr: it duz seem as tho it |
|19| W || _warm, but wet_ @ | never would open, but by and by |
|20| T || @ Elihu Burritt | it yields tew the frost, and lets |
|21| F || waz a blacksmith @ | the fruit drop out. |
|22| S || @ _more rain_ @ | |
|23| G || now expekt | |
|24| M || snaiks § @ § | * * * * * |
|25| T || _sighns ov wet_ | |
|26| W || _moisture_ @ @ | I dont beleave in the final salva- |
|27| T || @ Horace Greely | shun ov all men, bekauze thare |
|28| F || iz | are so menny kases in which i |
|29| S || an | kant see how it iz going tew be |
|30| G || editor @ @ @ | made tew pay. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR JULY_.
The man mortal who cums tew the scratch this month will be a grate lover
ov politikal life, and after menny stormy trips will settle in hiz
natiff village a konstable, elekted by 19 majority. He will liv tew be
ripe with old age, and hiz posterity will wonder how he managed tew
spend a whole life in politiks, and keep out ov state prizon. (_Hiz
posterity probably aint aware that a term in state prizon iz a good kard
tew run for offiss on._)
* * * * *
The girl born this month will flash like a streak ov yello sunshine. She
will be sought after like the balm ov menny flowers. She will hav poetry
for breakfast, and spend the rest ov the day on zephyrs and chocalate
karamels. The man who gits her for a wife will change into a butterfly,
and the two will be seen, sum sweet nite this month, flieing away to the
song ov the crickets.
_ADVICE TEW YOUNG MEN._
Dont be diskouraged if yure mustash dont gro; it sumtimes happens whare
a mustash duz the best, nothing else duz so well.
Dont be afrade ov enny thing that iz honarable, and dont forget that the
best friend that God haz given enny one iz hiz conscience.
Larn tew wait!--this iz a hard gait for a yung man tew travel, but iz
the surest way tew git thare.
If you hav got sum wild oats (and a phew wont spile yu) git them in
arly, and sow them deep, so they will rot in the ground.
31 Days.
JULY.
1872.
Q.--Which are two ov the lost arts? @ @
A.--Modesty, and good home-made bread. @ @
[Illustration]
_To brake a mule, or yoke a steer,
Bob Fletcher waz a reddy lad;
He and his mother worked the farm--
Krewel deth had took away his dad._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _PICKLED TONGUE._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || @ @ _Hot_ @ @ | |
| 2| T || now lay in straw- | I look upon the north pole az |
| 3| W || berrys and kream @ | one ov them pekuliar spots ov |
| 4| T || @ _wind south_ @ | ground: if it aint never found, we |
| 5| F || @ Frank Stebbins | shant be none ov the wuss off; |
| 6| S || waz born this | and if it iz found, we shant be |
| 7| G || month @ @ | none the better off. |
| 8| M || @ _more heaty_ @ | |
| 9| T || @ Frank Stebbins | |
|10| W || waz a hoss-jockey | * * * * * |
|11| T || @ _now expekt_ | |
|12| F || _wet showers_ @ @ | I kant see what woman wants |
|13| S || @ Frank Stebbins | enny more "_Rights_" for; she |
|14| G || had a lemon- | beat the fust man born into the |
|15| M || colored mare @ | world out ov a ded sure thing, |
|16| T || | and she kan beat the last one |
|17| W || @ _hot, but wet_ @ | with the same kards. |
|18| T || @ this mare could | |
|19| F || trot suddenly @ | |
|20| S || @ _grate heatness_ | * * * * * |
|21| G || @ Abel waz a | |
|22| M || bachelor @ @ | |
|23| T || @ _inkreasing_ | The only thing which makes a |
|24| W || _warmth_ @ | mule so highly respektabel is the |
|25| T || @ now hunt | grate accuracy ov hiz kickings. |
|26| F || for | |
|27| S || thunder | |
|28| G || and | * * * * * |
|29| M || lightning @ @ | |
|30| T || @ hale columbus | Convince a phool ov hiz errors, |
|31| W || happee land @ | and you make him yure enemy. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR AUGUST._
The gentleman born this month will hav one eye to the main chance, and
the other eye on the collatterals. He will be sharper than good cider
vinegar, and will go at a transackshun like a skotch tarrier at a rat
hole. He will be az honest az a hornet, and make az few blunders. He
will liv tew be old. Hiz wife will die young--tired out trying tew keep
up with him.
* * * * *
The feminine creashuns ov this month will be grate admirers ov the
sterner sex. They will fall in luv easy, but will make az phew blunders
az enny other wimmin. They will be guided bi the impulses ov their
naturs, which in most wimmen iz a safer card than their judgements. If I
hadnt got one ov the best wifes that the world haz yet produced, I
should be inclined to ask (humbly) for one ov the _August-as_.
_TO ALL WHOM IT MAY CONSARN._
(_Advertizement._)
Adam Dipthong (chicken champion) invites a discerning world tew peruse
hiz egg-dispensing poultry.
His "_Hail Columbys_," crossed on his "_Star Spangled Banners_," iz a
hen who, for purity ov step, swavity of plumage, and modesty ov
deportment, kant be beat.
His "_Last Roze ov Summer_," hiz "_Merry wives ov Windsor_," and hiz
"_Love lies bleeding_," az a style ov poultry, haz no competitors in the
whole horizon. His "_Kiss me Quicks_," chastised with a delikate
sprinkling ov his "_Meet me bi moon lite alone_," as pullets, hav alwus
stood the test; and az roosters, are alwus reddy "tew fite it out on
this line" (or enny other) "if it takes all summer."
31 Days.
AUGUST.
1872.
Q.--Who waz the fust brewer? @ @
A.--Satan; he brewed mischief. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Come, farmers all, both grate and small.
The fields with yello grain are wavy;
Bring out yure boys, and laffing galls,
And make the bukweat cry Peccavy._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _EGG NOGG._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ @ _Hot_ @ @ | |
| 2| F || @ Pete Whetstone | A man whom yu kan hire tew |
| 3| S || born 956 @ @ | work on a farm for nothing, and |
| 4| G || @ _hotter_ @ | board himself, will just about earn |
| 5| M || @ Pete waz a bare- | hiz wages. |
| 6| T || bak rider @ @ | |
| 7| W || @ _thunder and_ | |
| 8| T || _litening_ @ @ | * * * * * |
| 9| F || @ Pete rode the | |
|10| S || fust bear @ @ | |
|11| G || @ _hot grows wuss_ | A learned phool iz one who |
|12| M || @ @ now stab | haz read everything, and simply |
|13| T || suckers @ @ @ @ @ | remembers what he haz read. |
|14| W || @ _hot with rain_ @ | |
|15| T || | |
|16| F || @ kane kilt able @ | * * * * * |
|17| S || _now expekt mutch_ | |
|18| G || _warmth_ @ @ kane | |
|19| M || waz a stunner @ | The highest rate ov interest |
|20| T || @ _heat prickly_ @ | that we pay iz for borrowed |
|21| W || @ now eat kold | trouble. Things that are alwus |
|22| T ||vittles @ _heat biles_ | a-going tew happen, never do |
|23| F || @ O grave! whare | happen. |
|24| S || iz thi viktory? * | |
|25| G || _bigger hot_ @ Gen. | |
|26| M || Jackson waz a | * * * * * |
|27| T || dimokrat @ _hot_ @ | |
|28| W || and now beg for | |
|29| T || ise | I hav know people who had so |
|30| F || kream @ @ | little karakter that they didnt |
|31| S || @ _more heaty_ @ | even hav enny phailings. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR SEPTEMBER._
The man born this month will be what iz called a wit. He will be az
phull ov wit az a bottle ov ginger-pop. He kant hardly wait to hav the
cork pulled out, and when the cork iz pulled out it will take a 2 quart
bowl to hold a haff pint ov the phizz. He will make jokes which will be
az natral az blunders, and will keep hiz whole family (inkluding the
hired girl) betwixt a suprise and a guess. He will hav a house phull of
children, who will be the best jokes he perpetrates.
* * * * *
The lady born this month will be mistress ov the situashun. She will hav
menny admirers, but will lead them a dusty chase. After a while she will
marry, and bekum az serious az a white mice in a wire trap. Her husband
will be az proud of her az a third lutenant ov hiz fust epaulettes. Her
children will be brought up to toe the mark, and, tho different from all
the other wimmin in the naborhood, she will be admired more than
reproved.
_ADVISE TEW HOSS JOCKEYS._
Never swop hosses with a deakon--not if yu belong tew the same church he
duz.
If yu hav got a hoss that you ask 200 dollars for, and are offered 75
dollars for him, alwus sell him; dont spile a good hoss trade for 125
dollars.
If you should, bi acksident, git hold ov a sound hoss, git shut of him
az soon az yu kan, for yu wont be happy with him.
If, in swopping hosses, yu git kornered, and kant lie, postpone the
trade untill next day.
Noboddy ever expekts tew buy a hoss without gitting cheated; tharefore,
if a hoss jockey dont lie, he loses one ov his blessed privileges.
[Illustration]
Mice kan liv enny whare fust rate except in a
church.--they fatt very slo in a church.--this shows that they kant
liv on religion, enny more than a minister kan.
Yures. Josh Billings
[Illustration]
Whenever i see a real hansum woman engaged in the "wimmin
rights" bizzness, i am a going to take off mi hat, and jine the
proceshun.--
See if i dont. Josh Billings
30 Days.
SEPTEMBER.
1872.
Q.--Whi iz the meazles like fresh mackrel? @ @
A.--They run in schools, and hav tew be kaught before they can be had. @
@
[Illustration]
_Deakon John Jones waz a pius man,
But for one thing I kant lend praze;
'Twas asking pardon bekauze he swore,
When his old ram knokt him end waze._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _SLUNG-SHOT._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || @ _Mild, but gentle_ | |
| 2| M || @ Abram Tucker | I dont know how it iz with my |
| 3| T || born 1694 @ @ | brother-man, but with me the fall |
| 4| W || @ _soft winds_ @ | ov the Roman empire iz a grate |
| 5| T || @ Abram Tucker | deal eazier tew bear than a fall on |
| 6| F || fust eat pork and | the ice when it iz wet. |
| 7| S || molassis @ @ _now_ | |
| 8| G || _look for rain_ @ @ @ | * * * * * |
| 9| M || birds with feathers | |
|10| T ||flock togethers @ @ @ @ | |
|11| W || @ _it rains_ @ | Face all things; even adversity |
|12| T || @ now lay in fride | iz polite to a man's face. |
|13| F || oysters @ | |
|14| S || * _very pleasant_ @ | * * * * * |
|15| G || @ John Brown died | |
|16| M || 1861 * @ cloudy @ | Poverty kant be wuss, and may |
|17| T || | be better; riches kan be better, |
|18| W || @ John Brown | and may be wuss. The difference |
|19| T || died ov the thrut | iz in favour ov poverty. |
|20| F || disseaze @ | |
|21| S || @ _mild_ @ | * * * * * |
|22| G || now expekt early | |
|23| M || cider @ _showery_ @ | |
|24| T || @ sighns ov an arly | Whenever i see a man anxious |
|25| W || frost @ @ | tew git into the middle ov a fite |
|26| T || @ _wind east_ @ | that dont belong tew him, i am |
|27| F || now prepare | alwus anxious to hav him, for i |
|28| S || for | kno he iz sure tew be the wust |
|29| G || country | whipt man in the party. |
|30| M || cuzzins @ @ @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR OCTOBER._
The male man usherd into existence this month will be ov an enquiring
mind. The fust thing he will enquire for will be sum good cider. He will
studdy divinity at fust, but will quit that and bekum a konduktor on a
hoss rale-rode; this pays better, and haz more perquisites. He will
marry the woman ov his choice, which iz good, provided the choice iz all
right. His hair will turn grey before he dies, but after he dyes he will
hav black hair the rest of hiz days.
* * * * *
The woman born this month will be short ov stattue, and acquainted with
grief. She will want a grate menny things, in this world, that aint
handy tew be got. She will marry just about the right time, and
undertake tew liv with her mother in law, which iz a diffikult kontrakt
tew fill. The wimmin born this month are like a rhode island greening,
ripen slow, and are most delightful away long into the winter.
@ TO LET. @
_Enny person having an easy pill to take, that will restore a shatterd
reputashun, without change ov diet tew the pashunt, kan hav this
advertising space hily reazonable._
_Enquire of_
[Illustration: Bird sketch]
31 Days.
OCTOBER.
1872.
Q.--Whare did Adam strike when he fell? @ @
A.--On hiz kneeze, I hope. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Bukwheat kakes this month lay in,
Eat freely of pork and sassage;
Theze things kind Heaven givs to us,
Who in this world works our passage._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _FOOT PRINTS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ _Kloudy, but cool_ | |
| 2| W || @ Joel Briggs born | If i had a boy whoze hair |
| 3| T || 1837 @ | would bedew that hair with a |
| 4| F || @ _warmer_ @ | parent's tear, and then giv up |
| 5| S || @ Joel Briggs waz | the boy. |
| 6| G || a tin pedlar Փ @ | |
| 7| M ||@ @ _sighns ov rain_ @ @| * * * * * |
| 8| T || @ beware ov grass | |
| 9| W || widders @ @ _snow_ | |
|10| T || _on the mountains_ | Hurry and dispatch are often |
|11| F || @ now count yure | confounded, but they are az unlike |
|12| S || rats @ _sharp frost_ | az the habits ov the pissmire |
|13| G || _last nite_ @ @ | and the ant. |
|14| M || @ whiskee iz a non | |
|15| T || konduktor @ | |
|16| W || | * * * * * |
|17| T || @ _snow falls_ @ | |
|18| F || Փ biled sassage | |
|19| S || iz good for the | Thare aint but phew men weak |
|20| G || tooth ake @ @ @ | enuff tew admit their jealousys; |
|21| M || @ _wind bracing_ @ | even a disgraced rooster in a barn- |
|22| T || @ now enquire | yard will git a leetle further off |
|23| W || for cider @ | and begin tew crow up a new |
|24| T || @ _colder_ @ | reputashun. |
|25| F || @ @ Enok waz | |
|26| S || translated Փ @ | |
|27| G || @ _frosty_ @ | * * * * * |
|28| M || @ so | |
|29| T || waz | Cunning, at best, only duz the |
|30| W || Homer | dirty work ov wisdum; tharefore |
|31| T || translated @ @ | I dispize it. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR NOVEMBER._
The gentleman born this month will be a hard worker, but phond ov old
wine. He will forgit tew pay sum ov hiz debts, but will hav a blue eye,
and be a good singer. He will marry between 18 and 45, and be an
excellent judge ov hash on toast. He will liv a grate length, and reach
deth by a cirkuitous route.
* * * * *
She who cums tew see us this month will be az welkum az a dandylion in
the buzzum of winter. She will be a dutiful dauter, a warm-harted
sister, a tender mother, and a handsum wife--(Kind Heaven! send us az
menny ov this sort az convenient.)
_ADVICE TEW YUNG DOKTORS._
Hire an offiss on the main street of the village, and stay in the
offiss.
When yu do go out, alwus go on the jump.
Dont never talk mutch on enny subjek, but alwus look kussid misterious.
Seldum go tew church, but when yu do, alwus leave before the church duz.
Charge everyboddy like thunder and litening.
If yu pholler theze rules clussly, and don't suckceed, yu kan kum tew
the konklushun that the doktrine bizzness ain't so good as it waz last
year.
30 Days.
NOVEMBER.
1872.
Q.--Who waz the best-preserved woman that ever lived? @ @
A.--Lot's wife. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Jane Lovell waz a farmer's wife,
A wife waz she wuth having, too;
For when Jane Lovell rooled up her sleeves,
Things round that hous begin tew flew._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _TIT BITS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ _Sour, but kold_ Ԃ | |
| 2| S || @ remember Lot's | A dandy in love iz in just about |
| 3| G || wife @ @ _raw_, | az bad a fix az a stik ov mollassis |
| 4| M || _but sour_ Ԃ | kandy that haz begun tew melt. |
| 5| T || @ Lot's wife waz | |
| 6| W || the psalt ov the | * * * * * |
| 7| T || earth @ | |
| 8| F || @ _more sour_ @ | The meanest kind ov a loafer |
| 9| S || @ all good wives are | iz he who iz willing tew be abuzed |
|10| G || @ _more raw_ @ | by every one for the privilege ov |
|11| M || Ԃ Adam Sturgis | abusing others. |
|12| T || born 1853 @ _windy_ | |
|13| W || @ Adam Sturgis | * * * * * |
|14| T || waz a twin @ @ | |
|15| F || @ _rain, mixt with_ | |
|16| S || _snow_ @ @ now @ | Curiosity had twins; one waz |
|17| G || psalt sheeps @ | _Invenshun_, the other waz _Stick- |
|18| M || @ _wind bights_ Ԃ | Yure-Noze-Into-Things_. |
|19| T || multiplika- 0000000 | |
|20| W || shun table 00 | * * * * * |
|21| T || diskovered ------- | |
|22| F || 1215 @ @ 0000000 | |
|23| S ||_more kold_ @ 0000000 | Deth iz an arrow shot into a |
|24| G ||the multi- --------- | krowd; the only rezon whi it hit |
|25| M || plikashun 000000000 | another iz bekauze it missed us. |
|26| T || table iz | |
|27| W || hard tew beat @ @ | * * * * * |
|28| T || @ sour rain Ԃ | |
|29| F || @ Bill Adams waz | Arly genius iz like arly cabbage: |
|30| S || a free mason @ | it dont apt tew hed well. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_HOROSKOPE FOR DECEMBER._
The man born this month will hav a sanguine temprament. He thinks he iz
in luv with every woman he meets, and wont git married till late in
life. When he duz git wedded, he is a-going tew wed a woman who haz been
playing the same game he haz--falling in love with every man she meets.
They are both ov them going tew git cheated the wust way.
* * * * *
The girl born this month, tho late in the season, is a-going tew ketch
up before she gits through. She wont remane single, and iz a-going tew
be a leetle diffikult tew manage double. She will see Naples, but iz too
smart to die right off on that account. She will admire menny men, but
will love but one, and that iz her husband. If her husband iz smart
enuff to know this, they will travel through life like 2 pigeons.
_SIMPLE REMIDIZ._
Tew kure the bight ov a krab, soke the krab's feet in bileing hot water.
* * * * *
Tew find the kontents ov a gallon ov whiskee, multiply a pint ov fusil
ile bi 8 pints ov Venice turpentine.
* * * * *
Tew kure the gout, liv on Boston krackers, and saw wood for 25 cents a
kord.
* * * * *
Tew make a goose good eating, bring her up tenderly.
* * * * *
Tew keep kats from being et up bi rats, muzzle the rats.
31 Days.
DECEMBER.
1872.
Q.--How did robins git their name? @ @ @ @
A.--By robin cherry-trees. @ @ @ @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_The farmer leads an eazy life,
12 hours a day ends hiz labors,
Evenings pares apples for cider sass,
Or hauls over the coals hiz nabors._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Kalkulashuns._ | _GIN_ AND _MILK_. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || @ @ _Kold and | |
| 2| M || snowsome_ @ | How fast will the "_comeing_ |
| 3| T || @ Yankee doodle | _man_" probably travel? I kant |
| 4| W || born 1659 @ | tell to a dot; but if he kant beat |
| 5| T || @ _mutch kold_ @ | 2.25, he better stay whare he iz. |
| 6| F || @ Yankee doodle | |
| 7| S || still livs @ | * * * * * |
| 8| G || _snow 60 foot deep_ | |
| 9| M || @ Yankee doodle | A man with a phew branes iz |
|10| T || iz | like a dog with one flea on him-- |
|11| W || a lively cuss @ | dredful oneazy. |
|12| T || @ _grate kold_ @ | |
|13| F || @ now hammer | * * * * * |
|14| S || @ grate kold @ | |
|15| G || @ _kolder_ @ | Be humble, and yu are sure |
|16| M || expekt sla rides @ | tew be thankful; be thankful, and |
|17| T || | yu are sure tew be happy. |
|18| W || @ _sharp, but kold_ | |
|19| T || @ thou shalt | * * * * * |
|20| F || not | |
|21| S || covet thi nabor's | The more yung ones in a family, |
|22| G || jackass @ | the eazier they are tew raize. |
|23| M || @ _snow inkreases_ | One chicken alwus makes more |
|24| T || @ now murder | klucking for a hen than a dozen |
|25| W || hogs @ | duz. |
|26| T || @ _wind shifty_ @ | |
|27| F || @ now tear up | * * * * * |
|28| S || wood @ | |
|29| G || @ _big kold_ @ | Blessed iz he who kan pocket |
|30| M || @ the grass hopper | abuse, and feel that it iz no |
|31| T || haz fled @ @ @ | disgrace tew be bit bi a dog. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_AGRIKULTIBUSS._
1st. Skarsity beets are the hardest kind ov beats to beet; their grate
skarsity makes them beet all other kind ov beats.
* * * * *
2d. Turnups should be planted near the top ov the ground, if yu want
them tew turn up good.
* * * * *
3d. Egg plants iz good, but eggs sot under a stiddy hen will produce
more chickens than they will tew plant them.
* * * * *
4th. Potatoze are gennerally a helthy krop, but they are liable tew hav
weak eyes.
* * * * *
5th. Cowcumbers do the best in a lot bi themselfs; it aint best tew
cumber up a kitchen gardin with cows.
* * * * *
6th. Oats will gro on sum warm land, but tew yield well they hav got tew
be thrasht; it iz jiss so with beans, only beans has got to be poled
fust, and thrasht afterwards.
* * * * *
7th. Rye duz the best on a dry and thirsty sile, espeshily old rye; too
mutch water will drown out old rye.
* * * * *
8th. Tud stools will do well on a wet earth; so will tuds; but
woodchucks must hav a gravelly sile.
_SUM WEATHER._
SINOPSUSS OV PROGNOSTIKATED EVENTS.
The byrometer will rize very sudden this morning at Pordunk, 3 foot, and
fall the like amount at Sakramento City. The diffikulty in the weather
for the last 2 days, which haz predominated at Boston and around New
Orleans, waz owing tew the byrometer at Pordunk being took down and sent
tew the blacksmith's shop for repairs.
Clear weather haz existed at Goose kreek, and northwest ov Montreal,
with a growing tendency tew wind gustiness.
_PROBABILITIZ._
Ambrozial weather will permeate all around Pordunk for the next 16
months, with rain and snow; and all sorts ov stuff in the ballance ov
the United States of America.
The probabilitiz iz that the abuv probabilitiz will assimilate themselfs
tew the principal probabilitiz in the case.
If they don't, du notiss will be giv.
In the mean time be kalm, be dignified, and don't be skeered.
_JANUARY MISSCELLANY._
ARIES, THE ZODIAK RAM.
Aries is a latin ram. He is kompozed ov wool all over, and horns in
front. How Aries, the ram, got into the zodiak bothers me to this day,
but he probably jumpt in out ov sumboddys back lot. This is all owing
tew bad fences. Aries waz born soon after the diskovery ov this world by
Kaptain Kook, the perambulator. Since the days ov Aries the hydraulik
ram haz been born, a very hard ram tew fleece. Aries haz the post ov
honor amung the sighns in the zodiak, and presides over the head ov the
human anatomy. This iz a just kompliment tew hiz kapacity for putting a
hed onto things. Aries, the ram, tho he haz no literary pretenshuns, haz
made menny brilliant hits in hiz day.
_TO MAKE GOOD MILK PUNTCH._
Take one quart ov red cow's milk.
Strain all the water out ov the milk.
Puntch the milk severely with santy cruize rum.
Ramify it well with white sugar.
Koruskate sum nutmeg on the brow ov it.
Drink tew the Amerikan Eagle standing.
(This recipee haz been in the Billings family going on 300 years, and iz
desighned for one person, and always hits the mark.)
[Illustration]
The Hornet iz a red hot child ov natur, and haz a
bizzness end to him.=
Respekfully, Josh Billings
[Illustration]
The cockroach dont liv on what he eats, but what he kan
git into, and often finding him ded in mi soup, i hav cum to the
konklushun, that he kant swim, but that he kan float for a long time=
Josh Billings
31 Days.
JANUARY.
1873.
Q.--What would be a good motto for a taylor? @ @
A.--Let her rip. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Joel Briggs waz born down east,
Hiz hight waz 6 feet 2,
Hiz panterloons waz striped,
And hitched beneath hiz shu._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KODFISH BAWLS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| W || @ _Bitter kold_ Ԋ | |
| 2| T || @ now @ | The intimacys ov old age seem |
| 3| F || the dog | tew konsist in drinking yung hison |
| 4| S || quaketh @ @ | tea together, and compareing |
| 5| G || _sighns ov thaw_ @ | gouts and rumatizms. |
| 6| M || @ now the | |
| 7| T || kat | * * * * * |
| 8| W || shivereth @ @ | |
| 9| T || @ @ _expekt kold_ @ | One ov the most reliable prophets |
|10| F || Ԋ now the snow | i kno ov, iz an old hen, for they |
|11| S || snoweth @ @ @ | don't prophecy enny egg, untill |
|12| G || @ _kolder but_ | after the egg haz happened. |
|13| M || @ _raw_ @ | |
|14| T || now | * * * * * |
|15| W || the | |
|16| T || crow | |
|17| F || croweth @ @ | I kno ov folks who are so |
|18| S || | kondem kontrary, that if they |
|19| G || @ _wind north_ @ | should fall into a river, they would|
|20| M || @ @ now the | want tew float up stream. |
|21| T || tarrier | |
|22| W || tareth @ | * * * * * |
|23| T || @ _more snow_ @ | |
|24| F || @ @ now the | Politeness iz not only the cheapest,|
|25| S || flea fleaeth @ @ | but the most powerful argument |
|26| G || Ԋ _kolder still_ @ | I kno ov. |
|27| M || @ now the | |
|28| T || spark sparketh @ | * * * * * |
|29| W || _expekt a thaw_ @ @ | |
|30| T || @ Jake Disbrow @ | Money well spent iz well |
|31| F || @ died 1824. @ | invested. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_FEBUARY MISSCELLANY._
TAURUS, THE ZODIAK BULL.
One ov the best behaved animiles in the whole zodiak is Taurus the
zodiak bull. He is alwus laying down flat sunning himself. He dont hav
ennything tew employ hiz mind with only in fli time. Fli time iz alwus a
bizzy time with Taurus. The bull down here nowdaze iz a sour headed old
codger who goes swareing up and down the turnpike about sumthing, but in
the daze ov Virgil he had golden horns, and poetry in hiz veins. Menny
folks hav asked me what on earth they wanted a bull in the zodiak for,
and i hav always sed, it waz just az necessary az tew hav bulls in Wall
street. This always seemed tew satisfy their questions prodigiously.
Taurus governs the nek in the sighns ov the zodiak, which haz giv rise
to that tender, and klassikal sentiment, called "_bull necked."_
_PERSONALS._
Dear One.--Enklosed please find 10 Dollars--if you kan.
RICHARD.
* * * * *
Kum home! kum home! mi dear husband, i freely forgiv yu for all i hav
did.
BETSEY.
* * * * *
Waz the lady in blue, who trod on the gentleman's toe in gray, in the
8th avenew kars last frida nite corned, or waz it the toe that waz
corned?--References exchanged.
PEDRO.
28 Days.
FEBUARY.
1873.
Q.--Who fust struk ile? @ @
A.--Joner. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Joel Briggs a pedlar waz,
A pedlar ov renoun,
He delt in tin ware and sitch,
And druv from toun tew toun._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KREAM PUFFS._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || @ @ Goose yokes | |
| 2| G || fust discovered | If i had 4 fust rate dogs i would |
| 3| M || 1651 | name the best ov them "Doubtfull," |
| 4| T || _Kold and | and all the other 3 "Useless." |
| 5| W || shivery_ @ @ | |
| 6| T || @ @ Jane Brown | * * * * * |
| 7| F ||born 1826 @ @ | |
| 8| S || @ _Snow falls_ | Take all the phools and good |
| 9| G || Miss Jane Brown | luk out ov this world, and it would |
|10| M || waz a | bother the rest ov us tew git a |
|11| T ||woman's righter @ | living. |
|12| W ||@ _much koldness_ | * * * * * |
|13| T || @ now pan out | Thare iz az mutch difference |
|14| F || slapjax @ | between wit and humor az thare |
|15| S ||@ _big sno storm_ | iz between the ile and the essence |
|16| G || Pete Murdok | ov peppermint. |
|17| M ||died 952 @ | |
|18| T || _very raw_ @ @ | * * * * * |
|19| W || | |
|20| T || @ Pete Murdok | Whiskey friends are the most |
|21| F || died ov a | unprofitable ones i kno ov, they |
|22| S || broken harte @ | are alwus reddy tew drink with |
|23| G || _sour rain_ @ | yu, but when yu git reddy tew |
|24| M ||Pete Murdok broke | drink with them, they aint dry. |
|25| T || hiz harte trieing | * * * * * |
|26| W || tou lift a | |
|27| T ||meeting house @ @ | Ridikule that aint true haz no |
|28| F || @ _more kold_ @ | partikular power. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_MARCH MISSCELLANY._
CANCER, THE ZODIAK KRAB.
Cancer iz a hard sheld krab, and haz 2 sets ov leggs, which are lokated
on the starbord side ov their pussons. Cancer travels on hiz muscle, and
thare aint no individual sighn in the zodiak ov hiz size kan whip him. I
hav studdyed the krab clussly, and et him sloly, and I dont kno him yet.
Crabs bight with their feet, and hang on like the rumatiz. Biled krab is
good but a man must eat them bi the day, he would starve to deth eating
them bi the job. Krabs are kaught bi tieing a knot onto the end ov a
string, and dropping it down into the water whare the krab iz, and when
yu haul in the string, perhaps yu hav krab, and perhaps yu hav knot.
This iz the way a grate menny things in this world are not kaught. In
the zodiak Cancer rules the brest. I should rather hav a blister plaster
in mi buzzum than a krab or a cancer.
* * * * *
_WANTED BI A MIDDLE AGED MAN._
Enny one having a helthy goose, ov good moral karakter, will hear ov a
purchaser by addressing _Solaman Wainscote, Pordunk P. O._
The goose must be broke tew eat grass.
One that knoze how to lay 2 eggs a day prefered.
If the goose should be a leetle tuff, no matter.
What we want iz a smart goose, no kussid phool goose wanted.
31 Days.
MARCH.
1873.
Q.--Who iz the greatest hero ov modern times? @
A.--Josh Ward, heroed a mile in 4 minitts. @ @
[Illustration]
_Once hiz hoss had been a nag,
A trotting nag at that,
But now he waz a pelter,
And enny thing but phatt._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _HO KAKE._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| S || Tooth piks | |
| 2| G || fust used | A phools money iz like hiz |
| 3| M || 1190 @ @ @ | branes--very oneazy. |
| 4| T || @ @ _sum wind_ | |
| 5| W || @ James Gordon | * * * * * |
| 6| T || Bennet born | Thare iz this difference between |
| 7| F || 1802 @ | a _jest_, and a _joke_--a jest |
| 8| S || @ _rain with snow_ | may be kruel, but a joke never iz. |
| 9| G || @ Bennet | |
|10| M || is a | * * * * * |
|11| T || Herald @ @ @ | |
|12| W || | Sins are the only things that i |
|13| T || _kold but windy_ | repent ov, i never kould make |
|14| F || @ @ now | enny thing repenting ov blunders. |
|15| S || feel around for | |
|16| G || maple sugar @ @ | * * * * * |
|17| M || @ _wind aktive_ @ | |
|18| T || @ @ now | Human knowledge iz not very |
|19| W || lay in | komprehensiv after all,--i hav |
|20| T || early rumatiz @ @ | seen men who kould kalkulate an |
|21| F || @ @ _raw but kold_ | eklipse tew a square inch, who |
|22| S || @ Job was very | couldn't cum within 30 foot ov |
|23| G || billyus @ @ @ | harnessing a hoss. |
|24| M || @ _big rain_ @ @ | |
|25| T || Sampson waz a | * * * * * |
|26| W || strong man @ @ @ | |
|27| T || _wind shifts some_ | Flattery iz like ice kream, we |
|28| F || @ @ Sampson's | want it a leetle at a time, and |
|29| S || strength didn't lay | often. |
|30| G || in hiz | |
|31| M || karakter @ @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_APRIL MISSCELLANY._
VIRGO, THE ZODIAK VIRGIN.
One ov the best preserved females ov the age iz Virgo the Virgin. She
dont look an hour older than she did in the spring ov 1818 when i fust
saw her. Virgo haz lite blu eyes and yeller hair, and i should esteem
her to weigh about 117 pounds. Virgo haz menny admirers, and report sez,
she haz had menny good trades offered her (one waz a duke) but she
deklines matrimony. I congratulate her spunk. If she haz got a good lone
hand i like to see her play it, even if she gits ukered. I hope Virgo
will remain whare she iz for life, for she iz the only sighn in the
zodiak that i love tew witness. Thare iz one thing about Virgo that
pleazes me wonderful, and that iz, when the grecian bend waz raging on
earth, and crooking most all the other wimmin, she never bent a bit.
Hallelujah! for Virgo.
_TO KONTRAKTORS._
The widdo Betsey Brown will receive proposals sealed at her residence
No. 86 Hopvine St. for the next 90 daze.
Kontraktors must state their best offers.
Diagrams of the widdows looks kan be had at the above No.
The widdo reserves the privilege ov refusing all offers.
The highest Bidder gits the worm.
Agents needn't applikate.
30 Days.
APRIL.
1873.
Q.--Whi iz the kodfish like a sailor? @ @
A.--Bekauze he iz an old salt. @ @ @ @
[Illustration]
_'Twas Joels way t' stop hiz kart,
At every hous and shop,
Fust tew tell a bit ov nuze.
And then propoze tew swop._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _SLAP JAX._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ @ Grecian bend | |
| 2| W || revived 1864 @ | When a man measures out glory |
| 3| T || _sighns ov spring_ @ | for himself he alwus heaps the |
| 4| F || @ @ @ @ the | haff bushel. |
| 5| S || cockroach cometh | |
| 6| G || up like a flower @ | * * * * * |
| 7| M || @ _liquid rains_ | A man may mistake hiz tallent, |
| 8| T || frogs now | but he kant mistake hiz genius. |
| 9| W || warble @ @ @ | |
|10| T || @ _sweet winds_ @ | * * * * * |
|11| F || now the goose | |
|12| S || skreameth @ | It is only a step from cunning |
|13| G || @ _wind sow east | tew dishonesty, but it iz a step |
|14| M || bi sow_ @ | that a man iz liable at enny time |
|15| T || | tew take. |
|16| W || @ now bury | |
|17| T || onion seed @ | * * * * * |
|18| F || _smart showers | |
|19| S || ov wet_ @ | Thare seems tew be a propriety |
|20| G || Mars waz | in all things--late experiments in |
|21| M || Juno's fellow @ @ | New York city hav proved the |
|22| T || @ _very warm_ @ | fact, that religion in a rat pit |
|23| W || @ all natur | iz a failure. |
|24| T || stands on tip toze | |
|25| F || _more showers with | * * * * * |
|26| S || sighns ov rain_ @ | |
|27| G || now lift lettiss @ | Style iz every thing for a sinner, |
|28| M || @ @ the pilgrim | and a leetle ov it wont hurt a |
|29| T || fathers @ | saint. |
|30| W || whare am they? @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_MAY MISSCELLANY._
SKORPIO, THE ZODIAK SKORPION.
Next to the hornet, the skorpion seems tew me to be pretty mutch all ded
loss. I never had mutch faith in enny kind ov a kritter who waz bilt
only tew bite. Skorpions do the best in a hot naberhood. If a man should
take all the skorpions in the world up into the northern part ov Nu
Hampshire he would loze money on them. They wouldn't thaw out thare in
time for bizzness. I never hav seen a skorpion only in the zodiak, and i
aint sorry for this. If thare should ever be a fite in the zodiak i hope
it will be krab and skorpion. This would be a fite in which no one would
care whitch whipt. I kant tell yu just now how the skorpion got aboard
ov the zodiak, but bi looking at hiz piktur i should say he stood 2 good
chances tew do it, one waz tew enter hed fust, and the other waz to
change ends and go in that way.
_FOUND._
A malteese soprano kat, about 12 months old, singing old hundred on a
picket fence, late last thursda nite, whichever person owns sed kat will
find him (or her, according tew circumstansis) in a vakant lot, just bak
ov our hous, still butiful in death.
_ALSO_,
Found an old blew kotting umbrel worth nothing, in place ov a nu silk
one worth 12 dollars and fifty cents, if the person who lost the blew
kotting umbrel bi finding the other one, hasn't had time enuff yet tew
repent ov hiz blunder, 60 days longer will be granted him tew weep over
the ackcident.
[Illustration]
Yung man, dont be afrade to blo yure own horn, but dont
blo it in front ov the proceshun, go to the rear and do it.=
Yure Uncle, Josh Billings.=
[Illustration]
The reputashun that a man gits from hiz ansestors, often
wants az mutch altering to fit him, az their old clothes would.=
It iz truly thus, Josh Billings.=
31 Days.
MAY.
1873.
Q.--What iz a blunderbuss? @ @ @
A.--Kissing the wrong woman. @ @
[Illustration]
_Joel would swop for enny thing,
Tin ware for rags, or brass,
Jews harps for kats, brooms for beans,
Wood bowls for apple sass._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KOLD SLAU._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ Lap dogs | |
| 2| F || diskoverd 1310 @ @ | I don't kno az i want to bet |
| 3| S || @ @ @ _mild and | enny money, and give odds, on |
| 4| G || tender_ @ @ | the man who iz alwus anxious tew |
| 5| M || @ Kaptin Kidd | pra out loud every chance he kan |
| 6| T || was a | git. |
| 7| W || pirate @ @ @ @ | |
| 8| T || _plaintive showers_ | * * * * * |
| 9| F || @ @ Kaptin Kidd | A reputashun for happiness |
|10| S || sailed he did [(@ @)] | wants az mutch looking into az |
|11| G || @ _soft wind_ @ | a reputashun for honesty. |
|12| M || @ @ @ now mux | |
|13| T || in the | * * * * * |
|14| W || garden @ @ @ | |
|15| T || | When a man duz a good turn |
|16| F || @ Horace Greeley | just for the phun ov the thing, he |
|17| S || born 1812 @ | haz got a grate deal more virtew |
|18| G || _wet rains_ @ @ | in him than he iz aware ov. |
|19| M || @ @ now prepare | |
|20| T || for dandylions @ | * * * * * |
|21| W || @ _wind south_ @ | |
|22| T || Horace Greeley | Next tew the man who iz worth |
|23| F || iz a Tribune @ @ | a millyun, in point ov wealth, iz |
|24| S || @ _nobby showers_ | the man who don't kare a kuss |
|25| G || @ now sarch | for it. |
|26| M || hens for eggs @ @ | |
|27| T || @ _warm and pretty_ | * * * * * |
|28| W || @ @ @ frogs have | Self-made men are most alwus |
|29| T || come _soft winds_ | apt tew be a leetle too proud ov |
|30| F || @ Homer waz | the job. |
|31| S || quite a poet @ @ @ | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_JUNE MISSCELLANY._
KAPRIKORNUS, THE ZODIAK GOTE.
Kaprikornus the zodiak gote iz a sheep with hair on him, and kan eat
enny thing he kan swallow if it chokes him. They infest all over
kreashun, but are thikker in the upper part of Nu York citty ackording
tew populashun than otherwise. Their principal bizzness is tew fite, and
giv milk, they average about a quart ov milk, and four knokdowns a day.
They kant klimb a greast pole, but kan kreep up the side of a rok az
natral az a wood-bine kan. They hav a krak in their foot, and also one
in their voice, and a mustash on their bottom lip. Aries and Kaprikornus
are the two buts ov the zodiak. In the zodiak Kaprikornus governs the
kneeze, and people born under this sighn are apt tew be knok kneed.
_LOST._
A bright bay poodle dorg, 5 dollars reward, ov a warm natur, and no
questions asked, with one white foot behind, will be paid for hiz
return, when he stole away, with flowing ears, or waz strayed by
sumboddy, answers tew Kristopher Kolumbust, with a brass colar, exchange
papers pleaze copy, and haz a frantik tale.
30 Days.
JUNE.
1873.
Q.--How menny skruples in one dram. @
A.--This depends upon who takes the dram. @
[Illustration]
_His kart waz a karavan,
Piled hi with every kind
Ov dikker yu kould name,
Besides sumthin hitched behind._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KNUT KAKES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| G || @ Now snatch | |
| 2| M || @ cowcumbers | Silence iz one ov the lost arts. |
| 3| T || _sighns ov hotness_ @ | |
| 4| W || @ Mark Twain | * * * * * |
| 5| T || born 1839 @ @ | |
| 6| F || & _hotter_ @ | |
| 7| S || Mark iz a mello | When yu strike ile stop boreing; |
| 8| G || @ kuss @ | menny a man haz bored klean thru |
| 9| M || @ _showers ov rain_ | and let the ile run out at the |
|10| T || @ money iz tite @ | bottom. |
|11| W || @ _more warmer_ | |
|12| T || Venus waz a | * * * * * |
|13| F || hansum woman @ | |
|14| S || @ _mutch wet_ @ | |
|15| G || @ now dig | Human happiness iz like Josephs |
|16| M || for strawberrys | coat, a thing of menny colours. |
|17| T || _gentle wetness_ @ | |
|18| W || @ Job Potter died | |
|19| T || 1856 | * * * * * |
|20| F || _sighns ov thunder_ | |
|21| S || @ Job Potter died | Sin in the soul iz like a slivver |
|22| G || ov death @ @ | in the flesh; mortifikashun iz the |
|23| M || _more hotly_ @ | natral way tew git rid ov it. |
|24| T || @ now reap | |
|25| W || assparagrass @ | |
|26| T || @ _moist | * * * * * |
|27| F || wetness_ @ | |
|28| S || expekt | Love often changes coquetry to |
|29| G || muskeetoze. @ @ | sense, and prudery to sillyness. |
|30| M || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_JULY MISSCELLANY._
PISCES, THE ZODIAK FISHES.
Pisces are the only two fishes we hav enny account ov who hav bin able
tew swim on land and not tutch bottom. It iz now over 4000 years since
they cum ashore and took lodgings in the zodiak. It haz alwus been a
fish-bone ov kontenshun amung the natral philosophers whether they
belong tew the kodfish, or the sucker family. I hav bin asked mi opinyun
on this topick a 100 thousand times, but hav alwus maintained grate
solemnity on the subjekt. It is alwus mi way when i dont kno nothing
about enny thing, to look learned, and smile wisdum. Mi private opinyun
iz, that pisces iz a pikerel, or a porgy, or a perch, and weighed
originally about 9 pounds, but i dont want to bet on this. I kant tell
whether Pisces would bite on an angleworm or not, but i think thare iz
sum law aginst fishing in private ponds. Pisces iz a game fish, but what
hiz game iz i dont kno, but probably hi lo Jak, or draw poker.
_EPITAFF._
Here she lize--the queen ov pize,
Aunt Sally Ann Von Blixen,
Apple, and mince, kustard, and quince,
She couldn't be beat in mixen.
* * * * *
Sakred this spot--stir her up not--
Her grace all lay in pi fixen,
Better sa i--go without pi,
Than wake up this old vixen.
31 Days.
JULY.
1873.
Q.--What breed ov hens set the best? @ @
A.--Thoze without leggs. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_For 50 miles round about,
When Joel cum along,
The wimmin all tur ned out,
For swopping mity strong._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _KORN BREAD._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| T || @ @ Kod fish | When a man gits tew talking |
| 2| W || balls invented | about himself he seldum fails |
| 3| T || 1620 @ @ @ | tew be eloquent, and frequently |
| 4| F || @ @ @ _sighns ov | reaches the sublime. |
| 5| S || heat_ @ @ @ | |
| 6| G || Elizibeth Spooner | * * * * * |
| 7| M || born | |
| 8| T || 1365 @ @ @ | |
| 9| W || @ @ _warm showers_ | The owl iz remarkable for two |
|10| T || Elizibeth Spooner | things, gravity and stupidity. |
|11| F || had the | |
|12| S || meazles @ @ | * * * * * |
|13| G || @ _warm but hot_ @ | |
|14| M || Elizibeth Spooner | |
|15| T || had the | Integrity in youth iz almost |
|16| W || meazles | certain tew bekum wisdum and |
|17| T || very thick @ | honor in old age. |
|18| F || @ @ @ _sighns ov | |
|19| S || thunder_ @ @ | * * * * * |
|20| G || @ @ @ now | |
|21| M || wean goslins @ @ | |
|22| T || @ @ _it rains_ @ | When a man iz thoroly lazy he |
|23| W || Old dog Tray | iz good for nothing, only to shoot |
|24| T || died 1492 @ @ | at. |
|25| F || @ _expekt litening_ | |
|26| S || now butcher | * * * * * |
|27| G || watermellons @ @ | |
|28| M || @ _intense hot_ @ | |
|29| T || @ Daniel Webster | Most people prefer the stuffing |
|30| W || studdid law @ @ | to the goose,--the word for the |
|31| T || | idee. |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_AUGUST MISSCELLANY._
AQUARIUS, THE ZODIAK WATERMAN.
Aquarius duz the sprinkling pot bizzness for the zodiak. He kan be seen
enny klear day up in the zodiak laying the dust which the other
zodiakers kik up. He iz a quiet old gent about 5 foot 6, and wears a
wool hat, and a bull's eye watch. Who hiz ansestors waz no one kan tell.
He iz an old bachelor now, but they tell me, up in the zodiak, that he
alwus takes the most pains when he sprinkles in front ov Virgo. Thare iz
a tradishun in Pordunk, that Aquarius was once a tempranse lekturer, but
gitting too thin for the bizzness waz translated, and sot to sprinkling
in the zodiak. Aquarius haz charge ov the leggs amung the sighns in the
zodiak, and i notis that water iz better for the legs than sum other
fluids i know.
_EDUKASHIONAL._
CLASS IN BOTANY STAND UP.
_Teacher._ What kind ov a bird iz a Heron?
_Skoller._ A herring iz a small fish, az full ov bones az a fine tooth
comb.
_Teacher._ To what genus duz the Kat belong?
_Skoller._ The musikal genius, they _lay_ around daze, and chant around
nites.
_Teacher._ Which iz the wizest fowl?
_Skoller._ The owl sir, bekause he hoots at most things.
_Teacher._ What kind ov fish are plentyest in market during dog days?
_Skoller._ Smelts sir.
_Teacher._ Class in botany may set down.
31 Days.
AUGUST.
1873.
Q.--How menny geese duz it take to make a flok? @ @
A.--One would satisfy me. @ @ @
[Illustration]
_Sheep skins, goose yokes, and frying pans,
Basswood cheeze from Goshen,
Bob sleds, brass rings, and bears ile,
Waz sum ov Joels noshuns._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _MILK TOAST._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| F || @ Now pluck | |
| 2| S || peaches @ | Suckcess iz quite often like |
| 3| G || @ _grate hotness_ @ | falling oph from a log, a man kant |
| 4| M || Andy Johnson born | alwus tell how he kum to did it. |
| 5| T || 1812 @ | |
| 6| W || @ _hot grows_ @ | * * * * * |
| 7| T || Andy waz a man | |
| 8| F || ov much | |
| 9| S || policy @ @ | Most enny boddy thinks they |
|10| G || _thunder and blixen_ | kan be a good phool, and they |
|11| M || @ now bull frogs | kan, but to play the phool |
|12| T || rejoice @ _wind | successfully, aint so natral. |
|13| W || south_ @ @ | |
|14| T || @ @ _hot grows | |
|15| F || bigger_ @ | * * * * * |
|16| S || Julia Pragg born | |
|17| G || @ 1830 @ | |
|18| M || @ _wind shifty_ | I wouldn't undertake tew korrekt |
|19| T || Julia waz a laundress | a man's sektarian views enny |
|20| W || @ @ _hot | quicker than i would tell him |
|21| T || wind_ | which road tew take at a 4 corners, |
|22| F || @ now the duk | when i didn't kno miself |
|23| S || quaketh @ @ | which waz the right one. |
|24| G || @ _much hotly_ @ | |
|25| M || @ behold the | |
|26| T || @ grasshopper @ | * * * * * |
|27| W || @ _sum lightning_ | |
|28| T || @ love | |
|29| F || lies | The truly great are alwus the |
|30| S || bleeding @ @ | eazyest tew approach. |
|31| G || | |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
_SEPTEMBER MISSCELLANY._
SAGITTARIUS, THE ZODIAK BOMAN.
Sagittarius iz the William Tell ov the zodiak. He kan hit an apple on
the top ov Virgo's hed 200 paces oph, and not only halve the apple into
quarters, but knok the seeds 27 different direkshuns. He wins the cigars
at all the target excursions in the zodiak. In shooting at a muskeeter
once who had lighted onto the tail ov Leo, he aimed a leetle too
delikate, and dekapitated the dorsal extenshun ov Leo. This waz looked
upon bi all the other phellows in the zodiak az a supplementary shot.
Leo waz laid up in the horsepittol for 6 months, but hiz codicil gru out
about 2 foot more than it waz before. Sagittarius iz the comik genius ov
the zodiak, and on fourth of Julys shutes pennys oph from a stik, injun
fashion. In the zodiak sighns Sagittarius oversees the thighs, but for
what I dont seem tew kno.
_FOR IMMEJIATE ADOPSHUN._
A mail child, Eleven months old, well broke tew the bottle, 9 teeth kut,
lite sunset hair, without spot or blemish, no parents ov enny ackount,
hard tew kry, dont bite, shows sighns ov genius, and haz had
wackshination.
Enquire within.
[Illustration]
I never question a suckcess enny more than I do the right
ov a bull dog to lie in hiz own gateway.=
no I dont, Josh Billings.=
[Illustration]
The diffrence between a mistake, and a blunder.
When a man sets down a poor umbreller, and takes up a good one, he
makes a _mistake_, but when he sets down a good umbreller, and takes
up a poor one, he makes a _blunder_.=
Excuse haste. Josh Billings
30 Days.
SEPTEMBER.
1873.
Q.--When duz a fly git badly stuck? @ @
A.--When he fools with mollassis. @ @
[Illustration]
_When puter knives went oph slo,
Joel waz a kunning kuss,
He could just turn to and swop
An old hoss dredful cluss._
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
|@ | @ || _Diagnosis._ | _STEWED PRUNES._ |
+--+---++------------------------+-------------------------------------+
| 1| M || * It iz fall | |
| 2| T || @ @ _warm but_ | After a man haz got a fust rate |
| 3| W || _tender_ | opinyun ov himself the next best |
| 4| T || @ now the leaves | thing tew hav iz the good opinyun |
| 5| F || fall | ov others. |
| 6| S || @ _butiful weather_ | |
| 7| G || | * * * * * |
| 8| M || @ Sam Jones | |
| 9| T || born 1900 @ @ | |
|10| W || @ @ _mild but_
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