High life in New York
by Ann S. Stephens · English · Gutenberg #39645 · 732,824 chars · public domain (US)
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Title: High life in New York
A series of letters to Mr. Zephariah Slick, justice of the peace, and deacon of the church over to Weathersfield in the state of Connecticut
Author: Ann S. Stephens
Release date: May 7, 2012 [eBook #39645]
Language: English
Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/39645
Credits: Produced by Roberta Staehlin, Dave Hobart and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK ***
Produced by Roberta Staehlin, Dave Hobart and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
file was produced from images generously made available
by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)
[Transcibers note:
This text version uses underscores, '_', to show _italic_ and '=' is used
to indicate =bold=.
Mostly, the original text has been left alone complete with misspellings,
inconsistencies, etc. as these are part of the charm of the book. Also,
inconsistent hyphenation and paragraphs that end in commas have also been
left as per the original.
Minor punctuation and apparent printing errors have been corrected without
note.
A list of changes that have been made is shown at the end of the book.]
[Illustration: "Come, now, s'posing we strike up a trade. I've took a
sort of a sneaking notion to that ere new-fashioned side-saddle. So if
you'll throw in the tackling, I'll give you ten dollars for it, cash on
the nail."--_Page 150._]
[Illustration: "I wish you could a seen that Astor House chap when he
read the name; he looked as if he didn't know what to du, but at last he
stepped back, and made a bow, and sez he--"--_Page 184._]
HIGH LIFE IN NEW YORK.
BY
JONATHAN SLICK, ESQ.,
OF
WEATHERSFIELD, CONNECTICUT.
A SERIES OF
LETTERS TO MR. ZEPHARIAH SLICK, JUSTICE OF THE PEACE, AND
DEACON OF THE CHURCH OVER TO WEATHERSFIELD
IN THE STATE OF CONNECTICUT.
EMBELLISHED WITH ILLUSTRATIVE ENGRAVINGS.
_Philadelphia_:
T. B. PETERSON AND BROTHERS,
806 CHESTNUT STREET.
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1873, by
T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS.,
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C.
JONATHAN SENDS A PREFACE.
A letter was dispatched to Weathersfield requesting Mr. Slick to forward
a preface for his volume of epistles, but that gentleman instead sent
the following letter, which is so full of his own peculiar humor that
his friends will no doubt gladly accept of it in lieu of one.
THE PUBLISHERS.
WEATHERSFIELD, CONNECTICUT.
Gentlemen, Surs:
Your letter got tu the old humstead last night, nigh upon bed time, and
it eenamost upsot me to think that a feller that's printed so many
smashing books, had got a notion tu print my Letters tu, and asked my
consent jest as mealy mouthed as a feller asks the gal he's been a
courting to yoke in with him for life.
Now about the price of them are letters when they are all fixed out in a
book. I ain't much acquainted with that sort of trading; but I reckon
you'll have to go a notch higher yit. I never yit heard of a Slick's
taking the fust offer for any thing, and I've cut my eye teeth as well
as the rest on 'em, if I du write. Say ten or fifteen dollars more now,
and mebby it'll du, providing you give in a set of them are stories of
the Revolution with picters, and some of the smashing novels that have
got your names tu them, for my book-shelf in the back-room. Come up tu
the mark on this point, and I'll agree tu sign off any time you want me
tu, and I hope the book'll go off like a flash of lightning down a
forked rod.
But you want me to write something with a pesky new fangled name that
has eenamost upsot me. Write a preface! What on arth is a preface? I can
pull an even yoke with any York chap yet, at writing a letter; but when
you come to talk of prefaces, darn me if I know what the critters are.
Your letter kinder riled me up. The first thing I did was to get down
the old goose quill and ink-bottle and go to work. I was a'most tuckered
out a grinding cider all day, but the thoughts of having my name on the
kiver of a smashing book with picters in it, sot my genius to working
like a yeast pot; but then how tu begin with this new-fangled
consarn--there it was agin. I got the old dictionary and tried to find
out what a preface was; but I might as well have tried to make timber
out of pine shavings. "Something to go before a speech, or a book, or an
essay, to tell what they're about." Now if it had said an old hoss
leading off an ox-team with a cart behind, I could have sent the animal
at once, fresh and chirk from the cider mill; but how to tackle an idea
on a book and make it pull, is more than I am up to, without knowing
more about the sort of literary animal you want to use, and the harness
that fits him. I ain't rusted out yit, by no manner of means; but I
don't mean to make a coot of myself by tackling in with any strange
animal till I know what he is. Now take a pen in hand tu once and let me
know what it is that you want, and you can depend on me, fodder or no
fodder; but keep dark about my having to ask about it. I don't want all
the literary chaps in York a poking fun at me.
Wal, yes, I ain't ashamed to own it, I am tickled eenamost tu death with
the idee of my letters being printed in a harnsome book with tip-top
picters in it. But about my likeness, taken for the _Morning Express_
when I first come tu York, with the corn-colored coat and
pepper-and-salt trowsers and old bell crown--gauly, how I sot by that
old hat! Wal, as I was saying about that are likeness, I han't no
objections tu its going inside the kiver jest as it was. But like all
great literary characters, I reckon there's been a pretty considerable
improvement in me since I began to write, and, like our old barn that's
been shingled and clapboarded over, I'm the same critter yet, timbers
and all; but I reckon you'll find that I've slicked up the outside a
few, and grown a little more pussy since the old pepper-and-salt saw the
day.
Now I'll tell you jest how you'd better manage it. Put the picter you
speak on inside the kiver; but on the outside jest have me pictered out
in a bran new hat, that Mr. Genin sent me jest afore I left York. It's
about as near like the old one, as a son ought to be like his par. Don't
forget my velvet vest, finefied off with curlecues, and my blue coat
with the shining buttons; and if you don't git a picter that'll make the
gals' eyes water, your artists down there in York don't know a good
looking chap when they see him, or can't paint him if they du.
Now about writing another book, I raly don't know what tu say. Them
letters of mine eenamost tuckered me out at the time; but somehow I'd
give all creation to be at 'em again, and one of these days I may pluck
up grit and take a trip over tu England. If I du, by the living hokey,
you'll find John Bull in a tantrum by the time I've got through with
him. That are English lord that I writ about in my letters, gave me an
invite tu come tu England, and mebby he'll see a good looking chap about
my size on t'other side the fishing pond some day or other. Who knows?
You want to know if I feel content to give up life among the big bugs in
New York, and settle down here in the country. Wal, now, between you and
I and the post, I du feel a trifle melancholy now and then. Foddering
cattle, going tu mill and chopping ovenwood ain't jest the thing tu rile
up the poetry in a feller's bosom; and onion tops and garden sars
generally ain't considered the sort of greens that a literary chap
wants put round his head, though they're awful refreshing to the
stomach. But then again, my par, the deacon, is getting to be a purty
old man, and Judy----; but what's the use of talking arter a feller's
under the harrow?
Wal, if I ain't contented, I sartinly ought to be, if the women folks
are judges, and it's quite a considerable time since I've thought it
worth while to have a tussel for any opinion of my own. But tu own right
up, I du hanker awfully tu get off into the world agin; but, for
gracious sake, don't say a word about it. I should never hear the last
of it, if you did, for Judy hates city gals like rank pisin, and is
allfired jealous that I'm hankering to git among 'em again.
I don't know how I ever cum to write this ere long letter, but somehow,
when I set down, pen in hand, the old natur will bile up and run on.
Now about that are consarned preface, jest set down tu once and describe
the way it's to be done, and I'll undertake it, for I want tu make the
book first chop; and if you want more team, I'm the chap tu hitch it on,
the minit you let a feller know what's wanted. So, hoping you'll be
particular about the preface,
I'm yours tu command,
JONATHAN SLICK.
P. S.--Don't forget to have my watch chain and things a hanging outside
of the vest, and put my two big rings with stones in 'em, on my left
hand. I say nothing, but there may be gals in New York that would like
tu see them are rings agin, but take them off from all the kivers you
send into these parts now, I tell you. J. S.
CONTENTS.
LETTER I. PAGE
First Impressions of New York--Visit to the Counting-room of a City
Cousin--Advice to his Clerk--Description of a City Residence and its
Inmates 13
LETTER II.
The Family Dinner and Effects of July Cider 23
LETTER III.
Jonathan visits the Express Office--Sensations on seeing himself in
Print 27
LETTER IV.
The Political Meeting and its Disasters 33
LETTER V.
A Little of Jonathan's Private Love Affairs 39
LETTER VI.
Jonathan's Opinions of Ministerial Interference--A Card of
Invitation, and an Evening Party at Cousin Beebe's, in which
Jonathan makes some Mistakes and a Lady Acquaintance 44
LETTER VII.
Scenes in Broadway--Jonathan's Interview with the Count and
Flirtations with Miss Miles 69
LETTER VIII.
The Morning Call--A Coquette's Dressing Room 78
LETTER IX.
A New York Parvenu--Jonathan's Account of his Cousin Jason Slick,
and how Jason was too lazy to work, and got rich on soft sodder--The
dinner of a Connecticut Coaster--A New York Coat of Arms, lions
couchant and levant--Yankee Ancestry--The way a Yankee speculates,
and gets up States, Railroads and Banks, by soft sodder 87
LETTER X.
New-Year's Calls--A real Yankee's New-Year's Treat of Dough-nuts and
Cider--Jonathan's ideas of the real difference between a real lady's
House and Furniture and the House of a stuck-up Parvenu--Jonathan's
ideas of Love and Ladies 99
LETTER XI.
Visit to the Park Theatre--First Impressions of the Poetry of
Motion, as written on the air, in the aerial feats of Mademoiselle
Celeste--First shock at the exhibition of a Ballet Costume
accompanied by the "twinkles" of Celeste's feet--with her pigeon
wings, double-shuffles, gallopades, and pirouettes 117
LETTER XII.
Jonathan receives an Invitation to a Fancy Ball--Dilemma about the
Dress--Choice of a Character, &c. 129
LETTER XIII.
Jonathan Slick and the Grand Fancy Ball--Jonathan in the character
of an Injun, and Cousin Beebe in the character of Jonathan--Cousin
Mary as Jonathan's Squaw--Jonathan among Kings and Queens,
Spaniards, Turks and Jews--Jonathan meets his pussey Cousin in the
character of a Turk--Jonathan cuts his pussey Cousin 133
LETTER XIV.
Advice to Jonathan from the Humstead--Jonathan's Criticism on his
Brother Sam's book--The Ennui of Jonathan in good
Society--Jonathan's entree into a Milliner's Establishment, and sad
mistake about a Side-saddle 143
LETTER XV.
Jonathan visits the Milliner Girl--Reflections about her Situation 154
LETTER XVI.
In which Jonathan shows up the Hardships of Sewing Girls--Describes
a Tammany Hall Ball--Milliner Aristocracy and Exclusiveness--Informs
the reader how Miss Josephine Burgess took a tall man with whiskers
into her Establishment, who took her in in return--The desperation
of a little Apothecary--His Marriage, and the Ascent of Miss
Josephine Burgess from the front store to a work room a little
higher up 156
LETTER XVII.
Jonathan gets Ill and Homesick--Resists all entreaties to go to
Washington, and resolves on going back to "the Humstead" with
Captain Doolittle 173
LETTER XVIII.
Jonathan's Arrival in New York from the Onion Beds at
Weathersfield--Jonathan puts up at the Astor House--His notion of
that great Heap of Stones--Jonathan's Ideas of a New York Cab, and
the usual quarrel of a Stranger with Cabmen--A Sensation is created
at the Astor 180
LETTER XIX.
A live Yankee and the Parisian Danseuse--Fanny sends her Card and
Jonathan makes a call--Down East Yankee and French-English rather
hard to be understood--Jonathan quite killed off by Fanny's Curchies
and Dimples--A little sort of a Flirtation--An Invitation to see
Fanny in Nathalie, which is accepted 188
LETTER XX.
Jonathan goes to the Express Office--His Opinion of Zeke Jones and
the "Brother Jonathan" Newspaper--Explains his Absence, and enters
into a new Agreement with the Editors 197
LETTER XXI.
Jonathan Visits Mr. Hogg's Garden and gets a Bouquet--Puzzled about
the propriety of Paying for it--Purchases a Ribbon, and starts for
the Theatre 202
LETTER XXII.
Jonathan gives a Description of the Theatre, Private Boxes, Drop
Scene, &c.--His Ideas of _Miss_ Elssler's Dancing, and Dancing Girls
in general--Jonathan mistakes Williams in his Comic Song of "Old
Maids and Old Bachelors to Sell," for an Auctioneer who is knocking
off "La Belle Fanny," to the Highest Bidder--Jonathan is indignant
that she is not his, after so much hard bidding, by winks, &c.--He
flings his Bouquet at Fanny's Feet--Jonathan's Visit Behind the
Scenes, and his Idea of Things seen there--Gallants Fanny home to
the Astor House 206
LETTER XXIII.
Jonathan gets out of love with Fanny Elssler--Doctors the Ague in
her Face and Leaves her--Receives an Invitation from his Pussey
Cousin to a Thanksgiving Dinner, with a three cornered Note for Lord
Morpeth--Jonathan's Opinion of the Travelling Lords and Democratic
Hospitality 220
LETTER XXIV.
Description of Cousin Jason's Equipage--Figure cut by Mrs. Jason
Slick and her Daughter--Manners of a Noble Lord--The Dinner--Jason
boasts of his Birth, Heraldry, and Coat of Arms--Jonathan creates
great Consternation by proclaiming the Head of the Family as a
Shoemaker--Makes a Speech 224
LETTER XXV.
Jonathan rides to Mill--The Millerite Excitement--His Marm waits for
the World to come to an End--Letter from New York--The old White
Horse 244
LETTER XXVI.
Jonathan arrives in New York--Travels on the Deacon's Mare--Has
Trouble with the Colt--Embarks from Peck Slip, on Capt. Doolittle's
Sloop, to meet the President--His Introduction--Jonathan's Idea of
the Cold Collation--The Reception--Landing at Castle Garden--Review
of the Troops--The Procession, &c. 252
LETTER XXVII.
Jonathan attends the President at the Howard House--Visits the Park
Theatre with the President and his Handsome Girl--Goes with Mr.
Robert Tyler to have his Hair Cut at Clairhugh's--Takes Refreshments
with the Ladies at the Howard House--Bed-chamber Scene with the
President--Serenade, &c. 268
LETTER XXVIII.
Jonathan goes to see Mr. Macready--Description of the
Theatre--Introduces himself to a Handsome Girl at the
Theatre--Enters into a Flirtation--Promises to Visit her--Jonathan
takes a Novel Method of providing himself with a Fashionable
Dress--Quarrels with Captain Doolittle--Is reconciled, and starts
off to make a Morning Call on the Handsome Girl 272
LETTER XXIX.
Jonathan Visits the Handsome Girl--Describes a Gambling-House in the
Morning before it is put to rights--Visits the Lady's
Boudoir--Describes the Furniture, the Lady, her Dress, and
Conversation--Is Interrupted by the Gentleman of the House--And
leaves with a promise to return and escort Miss Sneers to Mad.
Castellan's Concert 275
LETTER XXX.
The Gambling House--Jonathan is taken in with Cards 285
_High Life in New York._
* * * * *
LETTER I.
First Impressions of New York--Visit to the Counting-room of a City
Cousin--Advice to his Clerk--Description of a City Residence and its
Inmates.
To Mr. Zepharia Slick, Justice of the Peace, and Deacon of the Church,
over to Weathersfield, in the State of Connecticut:
DEAR PAR:
I arrived here safe and sound, arter a long and tedious voyage down the
river and along shore to this place. The Captain left me to navigate the
sloop purty much alone. The lazy coot did nothing on arth but eat raw
turnips and drink cider brandy all the way down. I'll be whipped if he
warn't more than half corned the hull time. Now it's my opinion that the
best thing you can do with that chap is to send him eend foremost about
his business jest as quick as he gits back. He don't arn salt to his
porrage, nor never did. The first thing I did arter the sloop was hauled
up to the wharf at Peck slip, was to go down to the stores about Fulton
market and peddle off the cider brandy and garden sarce. Captain
Doolittle wanted to go with me, but you sent me down here as a sort of a
supercargo, and I warn't likely to let him stick his nose into my
business.
By gracious, if it didn't make me stare to see the purty gals and the
harnsome married wimmen a walking up and down the market among the heaps
of beets and cabbages. They looked around mighty knowing, and I rather
guess I got my share of attention; but somehow it made me feel kinder
streaked to have them a looking at me so steady, for I hadn't nothing on
but my every day clothes, besides, the stock that marm made me out of
her old bombasine petticoat, propped up my chin so that I couldn't a
stooped to look into a woman's face if I'd a wanted tu ever so much. I
do believe marm and Judy White must a put more than a peck of tatur
starch into the lining. It's allfired stiff, that's a fact.
Wal, I sold out the lading to purty good advantage, considering the
times. Then I went down to the sloop, and slicked up in my Sunday
clothes and started off full chisel to go and see cousin John Beebe.
They told me that he kept store away down Pearl street, eenamost to the
Battery; so I went on, as fast as I could git along through the boxes
and barrels that lay in the street, till I come to a great high brick
store that had cousin John's name over the door. It seems that John has
gone into partnership with a Mr. Co, for that feller's name is on the
sign arter his'n as large as life. I knew that he and John Wheeler went
into company together, but I suppose they wanted more chink than either
on 'em could raise, and so engaged this Mr. Co to help 'em along.
I swan if it warn't enough to make a feller dry to see the hogsheads of
rum and molasses, and the heaps of tea boxes and sugar barrels, piled up
inside the store; it looked like living, I can tell you. I went through
clear to the other eend of the store, for they told me that cousin John
was in the counting-room, away back there.
Wal, I got into the counting-room at last, and a harnsome little room it
was, all carpeted and fixed out like some of our best rooms in
Connecticut. I hain't seen so purty a store scarce ever. John wasn't
there, but I could see that he hadn't got over all his old tricks, for a
lot of chestnut shells were trod down round the stove, and there wasn't
a few empty bottles standing round under the table and back of the
desks. It was enough to turn one's stomach to look at the spit box; it
was more than half filled up with pieces of segars, and ends of tobacco,
that looked as if they had been chawed over a dozen times or more. I
don't see where cousin John got that trick of smoking and chawing; I
defy any body to say he larned it in old Connecticut. They needn't talk
to us about the Yankees, for these Yorkers beat us all holler in them
things; I hain't forgot the time when John would a turned up his nose at
a long nine, as if it had a been pison, but now he's sot himself up for
a gentleman there is no knowing what he hain't taken tu.
There was a chap standing by one of the desks, with the edge of his
dickey turned over his stock--like an old-fashioned baby's bib, put on
wrong side afore--and with his hair curled and frizzled up like a gal's.
I knew in a minit that this feller couldn't be cousin John, so I went up
to him, and sez I:--
"Friend, can you tell me when Mr. Beebe 'ill be in?" The chap took a
watch out of his vest pocket about as big as a ninepence, and sez he--
"I don't know positively, but I s'pose in the course of half an hour or
so. It's about time for the banks to close."
"Wal," sez I, "I s'pose I may as well wait for him, as I ain't in much
of a hurry jest now." So I sot down in a chair, and arter histing my
sole leather onto the top of the stove, I begun to scrape acquaintance
with the chap, as I went along.
"Tough times with you marchants, now, ain't they?" sez I, a looking over
the top of the paper.
"Very," sez he, a mending his pen. "It's as much as we can du to make
both eends meet afore the bank's shut up days. Mr. Beebe's out a
shinning now."
"A what?" sez I.
"A shinning," says he--"borrowing money to take up his own notes with,
and if he don't get it, I don't know what we _shall du_."
"Oh!" sez I to myself, "this is the new partner, Mr. Co; he must have a
good chance of money in the consarn, or he wouldn't feel so oneasy."
"We was doing a beautiful business," sez he, a shaking his head, "till
some of the banks stopped specie payments. I wish they'd a been sunk."
"No," sez I, "that ain't fair, but it's human natur, I s'pose to give
banks as well as people, a helping kick when they're going down hill. I
don't understand much of these things, Mr. Co."
"My name isn't Co," sez he, a staring; "it's Smith."
"What," sez I, "have they got another in the company?"
"No," sez he, kinder coloring up; "I'm the assistant bookkeeper."
I couldn't but jest keep from giving a long whistle right out, the stuck
up varmint! "Wal," sez I, arter a minit, "Mr. Smith, let me give you one
piece of advice--don't be so ready to say _we_, and to talk over your
employers' business with strangers next time. Such things do no good any
way, but they may do a good deal of harm. It's the duty of a clark,
among us, to attend to that he's paid for, and if he attends to much
else, we purty ginerally find out that he ain't good for much in the
long run."
You never saw a feller look so mean as he did when I said this; he
turned all manner of colors, and acted mad enough to eat me. I didn't
seem to mind him, but took up a newspaper and begun to read, jest as if
he wasn't in the room; and by-am-by I got so deep in the paper, that I
forgot all about him or cousin Beebe either.
Look a-here, Par, if you hain't seen the New York _Evening Express_,
jest stretch your purse-strings a leetle, and subscribe for it. It's a
peeler of a paper, I can tell you. You needn't take my word for it
though, for I've made this letter so tarnal long, that it'd cost more
than the price of a paper a hull year to pay the postage, so I've a
notion to git the editors to print this for me in their primest evening
paper, and so you'll git my letters and paper tu, all for five cents.
I'll jest give you a little notion how they make the _Express_, for I
read it eenamost through, afore cousin John come. The editors get all
the papers in the country together, jest as we pick out our apples in
cider time, and they go to work and git all that's worth reading out on
'em, and put it all in one great paper, which they sell for two cents;
so that a feller can know what's said by every editor North and South,
on one side and t'other, without the trouble of reading but one
paper;--jest as we can git the juice of a bushel of apples all in a pint
of cider, after it's once been through the mill. I raly think it's one
of the best plans I ever heard on, and I'm so sartin that every body
will take it by-am-by, that I've a notion that if you'd jest as livs let
me throw up the onion trade, I'll try and get in to write for it, but
we'll talk all that over by-am-by, arter I've seen the editors. Major
Jack Downing is writing for them already, and perhaps--but I hain't made
up my mind about it yit, though I kept a thinking it over all the while
I was a reading in the counting-room.
Wal, I was jest taking a dive inter the advertisements, when cousin John
came in. I raly believe you wouldn't know the critter, he's altered so.
He's grown as fat and pussy as old lawyer Sikes in our parts, but I raly
think he looks better for it. I tell you what, his clothes must cost him
a few. He had on a superfine broadcloth coat, that didn't cost a whit
less than ten dollars a yard, I wouldn't be afraid to bet a cookey. You
could a seen your face in his boots, and his hair was parted on the top
of his head, and hung down on the sides of his face and all over his
coat collar, till he looked more like a woman in men's clothes than any
thing else. I thought I should a haw-hawed out a larfin, all I could du,
though it made me kinder wrathy to see a feller make such an etarnal
coot of himself. I thought I'd see if he'd know me agin, so I on'y jist
crossed one foot over t'other on the top of the stove, and tipt my chair
back on its hind legs, and kept on reading as independent as a
corkscrew, jest ter see how he'd act.
Wal, he cum right up to the stove, and took his coat tail under his
arms, and begun to whistle as if there warn't nobody in the room. Once
in a while as I took a peek over the top of the paper, I could see that
he was a looking at me kinder sideways, as if he couldn't exactly make
up his mind whether he knew me or not. I felt my heart kinder rising up
in my throat, for it put me in mind of old times when we used to weed
onions and slide down hill together. At last I couldn't stand it no
longer, so I jumped up and flung down the paper, and, says I, "Cousin
Beebe, how do you du?"
He stared like a stuck pig at fust, but I raly believe the feller was
glad to see me when he found out who I was, for he shook my hand like
all natur. Sez he, "Mr. Slick," sez he, "I'm glad to see you down in the
city; how's the deacon, and aunt Eunice, and the Mills gals? You see I
han't forgot old times."
With that we sot into a stream of talk about Weathersfield people, and
so on that lasted a good two hours, by the town clock. Arter a while
cousin John took out his watch, all gold inside and out, and sez he,
"Come, Mr. Slick, it's about four o'clock--go up and take a family
dinner with us."
I rather guess I stared a few, to think of being axed to eat dinner at
that time o' day; but as I hadn't eat any thing but a cold bite aboard
the sloop since morning, the thoughts of a good warm dinner warn't by no
means to be sneezed at.
"Better late than never," sez I to myself, arter I had put on my hat and
stuck my hands in my pantaloons' pockets ready for a start. But jest as
we wur a going out, there come a feller in to talk over some bisness
matters, so sez Cousin Beebe, sez he--
"Here, Mr. Slick, is the number of our house--supposin you go along and
tell Mrs. Beebe that I'll be home as soon as I can get through a little
bisness--she wont make a stranger of you."
"I rather guess she won't," sez I, a taking the little piece of paper
which he'd been a writing on; "if she does there must a been an almighty
change in her since we used to go to singing school and apple bees
together."
John looked kind a skeery toward the stranger, and begun to fidget
about; so I told him I could find the way and made myself scarce in less
than no time--for I thought as like as not the feller cum to git him to
put his name to a note, or something of that sort; so I thought I'd give
him a chance to say no, if he wanted tu.
By gracious! Par, I'd give a quart of soap if you and marm could a been
with me in Broadway as I went along. I couldn't help stopping eenamost
every other minit to look into the winders.
Some of them was chuck full of watches and ear-rings, and silver spoons
spread all out like a fan, and lots on lots of finger rings all stuck
over a piece of black cloth to make 'em shine. I'll be darned if it
didn't make my eyes ache as if I'd been snow blind a week, only jest to
look at 'em as I went along! I stopped into one store jest by the Park,
and bought a silver thimble for marm, and it was as much as I could du
to keep from going into one of the stores where I saw such a heap of
calicos, to git her a new gown tu. But I can't begin to write more than
a priming of what a feller may see as he goes up Broadway. It fairly
made me ashamed of our horses, old Polly in perticlar, when I saw the
harnsome critters that the niggers drive about them coaches with here. I
tell you what, they make a glistening and a shining when they go through
the streets chuck full of gals all in their feathers and furbelows! That
Broadway _is_ a leetle lengthy, and no mistake. I believe I footed it
more than two miles on them tarnal hard stun walks, afore I got to Bond
street, where Cousin Beebe lives, I swan! I thought my feet would a
blistered.
Wal, arter all, I thought I never should a got into the house when I did
git to it. It was so allfired high, and a heap of stun steps went up to
the door, with a kind of picket fence made out of iron, all _curlecued_
over on the sides. I looked all over the door for a knocker, but
couldn't find nothing in the shape of one, only a square chunk of
silver, with cousin Beebe's name writ on it. I rapped with my fist till
the skin eenamost peeled off my knuckles, but nobody seemed to hear, and
I begun to think the folks warn't to hum, and that I should lose my
dinner arter all. I was jest beginning to think it best to make tracks
for Peck slip agin, when a feller come by and kinder slacked tackle, and
looked as if he was a going to speak.
"Look a here, you, sir," sez I, "can you tell me whether the folks that
live here are to hum or not? I can't make nobody hear."
"Why don't you ring the bell?" sez he, a looking at me as if he never
see a man afore.
I went down the steps and looked up to the ruff of the house, but it was
so darned high that I couldn't a seen anything in the shape of a belfry
if there'd been a dozen on 'em.
"I'll be darned if I can see any bell," sez I to the man, and then he
kinder puckered up his mouth, and looked as if he was a going to larf
right out.
"You seem to be a stranger in the city," sez he, a trying to bite in,
for I s'pose he see that my dander was a gitting up.
"Yes," sez I, "I am, and what of that?"
"Oh, nothing," sez he, a hauling in his horns quite a considerable.
"Jest pull that little silver knob there, and I rather think you can
make them hear."
With that I went up the steps agin, and give the knob, as he called it,
an almighty jerk, for I felt a little riled about being larfed at. It
warn't half a jiffy afore the door was opened, and a great strapping
nigger stood inside, staring at me as if he meant to swaller me hull,
without vinegar or gravy sarce.
"Wal," sez I, "you snowball you, what are you staring at? Why don't you
git out of the way and let me cum in?"
"Who do you want?" sez he, without so much as moving an inch--the
impudent varmint.
"What's that to you, you darned lump of charcoal?" sez I; "jest you mind
your own bisness and git out of the door." With that I give him a shove
and went into the entry-way. When the nigger had picked himself up agin,
I told him to go and tell Miss Beebe that her cousin Jonathan Slick,
from Weathersfield, Connecticut, wanted to see her.
I wish you could a seen how the feller showed the whites of his eyes
when I said this. I couldn't keep from larfin to see him a bowing and
scraping to me.
"Jest step into the drawing-room," sez he, a opening a door; "I will
tell Miss Beebe that you are here."
By the living hokey! I never stepped my foot in such a room as that in
all my born days. I raly thought my boot was a sinking inter the floor,
the carpet was so thick and soft. It seemed jest like walking over the
onion patches, when they've jest been raked and planted in the spring
time. The winder curtains were all yaller silk with a great heap of blue
tossels hanging round the edges, and there was no eend to the little
square benches, about as big as marm's milking stool, all kivered over
with lambs and rabbits a sleeping among lots of flowers, as nat'ral as
life. The backs of the chairs were solid mahogany or cherry-tree wood,
or something like it, and they were kinder rounded off and curled in
like a butter scoop turned handle downward. Then there were two chairs,
all stuffed and kivered with shiney black cloth, with a great long
rocker a poking out behind, and on the mantle shelf was something that I
couldn't make out the use on--it was a heap of stuff that looked like
gold, with a woman, all kivered over with something that made her shine
like a gilt button, lying on the top. I wanted to finger it awfully, but
there was a glass thing put over it, and I couldn't; but I hadn't pecked
about long afore I found out that it was one of these new-fashioned
clocks that we've heard about; but it's no more like them clocks that
our Samuel peddles, than chalk is like cheese.
There were two other things, kinder like the clock, on both eends of the
mantle shelf, but they warn't nigh so big, and they hadn't no pointers
nor no woman on the top, and instead of the glass kiver there was long
chunks o' glass hanging down all round them, like icicles round the nose
of our pump in the winter time. I give one on 'em a little lift jest to
find out what it was, but the glasses begun to gingle so that it scared
me out of a year's growth, and I sot down agin mighty quick, I can tell
you.
Wal, arter a while I begun to grow fidgety, so I sot down on a settee
all kivered over with shiney cloth like the chairs, but I guess I hopped
up agin spry enough. I never saw anything giv as the seat did, I thought
at first that I was a sinking clear through to the floor, clothes and
all. It makes me fidgety to be shut up in a room alone, so I begun to
fix a little; but all I could du, them new cassimere pantaloons, that
Judy White made for me, would keep a slipping up eenamost to the top of
my boots. I don't see how on arth the chaps in New York keep their
trousers' legs down so slick; one would think they had been dipped into
'em as marm makes her taller candles, they fit so.
Wal, arter I'd worked long enough on the tarnal things, I went up to a
whapper of a looking-glass, that reached eenamost from the top to the
bottom o' the room, and jest took a peep at a chap about my size on
t'other side. I tell you what it is, the feller there warn't to be
sneezed at on a rainy day, if he did cum from the country; though for a
sixfooter he looked mighty small in that big looking-glass. I guess
you'd a larfed to a seen him trying to coax his dickey to curl over the
edge of that plaguey stiff bombazine stock that marm made, and to a seen
him a pulling down them narrer short risbands so as to make them stick
out under his cuff, and a slicking down his hair on each side of his
face with both hands; but it wouldn't stay though. Nothing on arth but
a hog is so contrary as a feller's hair, when it once gits to sticking
up, I du think.
I'd fixed up purty smart, considering, and was jest sticking my
breast-pin a leetle more in sight, when the door opened and cousin Mary
come in. If I hadn't expected it was her, I'm sartin I shouldn't a known
her no more than nothing, she was so puckered up. She had on a silk
frock ruffled round the bottom, and her hair hung in great long black
curls down her neck, eenamost to her bosom, and she had a gold chain
wound all round her head, besides one a hanging about her neck, and her
waist warn't bigger round than a pint cup. I never was so struck up in
my life, as I was tu see her. Instid of coming up and giving me a good
shake o' the hand or a buss--there wouldn't a been any harm in't as we
were cousins--she put one foot for'ard a little and drew t' other back
kind o' catecornering, and then she sort o' wriggled her shoulders, and
bent for'ard and made a curchy, city fashion. Sez I tu myself, "If
that's what you're up tu, I'll jest show you that we've had a dancing
school in Weathersfield since you left it, Miss Beebe." So I put out my
right foot and drew it up into the holler of t'other foot, and let my
arms drop down a sort a parpindicular, and bent for'ard--jest as a
feller shuts a jack knife when he's afeard of cutting his fingers--and
keeping my eyes fixed on her face, though I did have to roll 'em up a
leetle--I reckon I give her a purty respectable sample of a
Weathersfield bow to match her York curches.
"Pray be seated, Mr. Slick," sez she, a screwing her mouth up into a
sort of a smile; but when I saw how she was stuck up I warn't a-going to
be behind hand with her, so I puckered up my mouth tu, though it was
awful hard work, and sez I, "arter you is manners for me, Miss Beebe."
With that she sot down in one of the rocking-chairs and stuck her elbow
on her arm and let her head drop into her hand as if she warn't more
than half alive, and sez she--
"Take an ottoman, Mr. Slick."
I guess I turned red enough, for I hadn't no idee what she ment, but I
sot down on one of the foot-stools at a ventur, and then she said,
"How do Mr. and Mrs. Slick du? I hope they're well."
I felt my ebenezer a gitting up to hear her call her husband's own uncle
and aunt sich stuck up names, and sez I,
"Your uncle and aunt are purty smart, so as to be jogging about, thank
you, Miss Beebe." I hadn't but jest got the words out of my mouth when
there was a bell rung so as to make me jump up, and in a minit arter
cousin John come in.
Your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER II.
The Family Dinner and Effects of July Cider.
DEAR PAR:
"Wal, I see you've found the way, cousin Slick," sez he. "Mary, my dear,
is dinner ready?"
She hadn't time to speak before two great doors slid into the partition,
and there was another room jest as much like the one we was in, as two
peas in a pod. A table was sot in the middle of the room, all kivered
with rale China dishes, and first rate glass tumblers, and a silver
thing to set the pepper box in--you hain't no idee how stilish it was.
But as true as you live, there stood that etarnal nigger, close by the
table, as large as life. I didn't know what to make on it, but sez I to
myself, if cousin John's got to be an abolitionist and expects me to eat
with a nigger, he'll find himself mistaken, I'll be darned to darnation
if he don't! But I needn't a got so wrathy; the critter didn't offer to
set down, he only stood there to git anything that we wanted.
"Do you take verminsilly, Mr. Slick?" says Miss Beebe, biting off her
words as it she was afraid they'd burn her. With that she took the kiver
off one of the dishes, and begun to ladle out some soup with a great
silver dipper as bright as a new fifty cent piece.
"No, thank you," says I, "but I'll take some of that are soup instead,
if you've no objection." The critter was jest beginning to pucker up
her mouth again, as if she'd found out something to poke fun at, but
cousin John looked at her so etarnal cross that she was glad to choke
in. I s'pose cousin John see that I felt dreadful oneasy, so he said,
kind a coaxing,
"She meant verminsilly soup, cousin Slick. Let her help you to some, I'm
sartin you'll like it."
"Wal," says I, "I don't care if I du." So I took up a queer looking
spoon that lay by my plate, and tried to eat, but all I could du, the
soup would keep a running through the spoon into the dish agin. I tried
and tried to git one good mouthful, but I might jest as well have
detarmined to dip up the Connecticut river in a sieve, and the most I
could git was two or three sprangles of little white things that I
stirred up from the bottom of the plate, that didn't taste bad, but to
save my life I couldn't make out what they were made out on. Arter I'd
been a fishing and diving ever so long, a trying to git one good
spoonful, so that I could tell what it was, I looked up, and there was
the nigger showing his teeth, and rolling about his eyes, like a black
cat in the dark. It made me wrathy, for I surmized that he was a larfing
to see me a working so hard to git a mouthful of something to eat. I
couldn't hold in any longer, so I jumped up and flung down the spoon
upon the floor, as spiteful as could be, and sez I to the nigger, sez I,
"What do you stand a grinning at there, woolly head? go and git me a
spoon that hain't got no slits in it, I'd as lief eat with a rake as
that are thing."
"Ha, ha, haw," larfed out the etarnal black varmint, "I thought you
would not make the fork hold."
With that Miss Beebe giggled right out, and cousin John looked as if he
would a burst to keep from larfing too.
"Stop your noise, sir," says he to the nigger, "pick up the fork, and
give Mr. Slick a spoon."
I begun to feel awful streaked, I can tell you; but I sot down agin, and
took up the real spoon, which lay on a kind of towel folded up by my
plate, and I begun to eat, without saying a word, though I'd gin a
silver dollar if they would a let me got up and licked the nigger.
Wal, arter I'd got a good mouthful of the soup, I couldn't make out
what it was made of, for I couldn't remember of ever seeing the name
Miss Beebe called it by, in the dictionary. Maybe it's Latin, says I, to
myself, and then I tried to think over what it could mean, and if nobody
had told me what the definition was in the Latin school which you sent
me tu there in Weathersfield. Verminsilly! Verminsilly! Verminsilly!
kept a running through my head all the time. I knew what silly meant
well enough, and then it popped into my head, all at once, that _vermin_
comes from the Latin _vermis_, which means worms. Worm soup! my
gracious, the very idee of it made me feel awful bad at the stomach! But
I might have known it by the looks, and I should if I'd ever heard of
sich a thing, for the little slim critters swimming round in the liquor,
looked as much like angle-worms biled down white as could be. Arter I
found out what it was made of, I rather guess they didn't catch me a
eating any more of their verminsilly soup; so I pushed it away half
across the table, and wiped my mouth purty considerably with my pocket
handkercher. The nigger took the whole on't away, and I declare I was
glad enough to get rid of it.
"What on arth have they put this towel here for?" says I to myself; and
then I stole a sly look over to cousin Beebe, to see if he'd got one, or
if they only gave towels to company. Cousin John had one jest like mine,
but he'd spread it out on his lap, so I jest took up mine and kivered
over my cashmeres with it tu.
Considering there was no onions on the table, I made out a purty fair
dinner. I was a beginning to think about moving when the nigger brought
a lot of blue glass bowls about half full of water, and sot one down by
each of us. What they could be for I hadn't the least notion, but I kept
a bright look out to see what cousin John did, and when I saw him dip
his fingers into his bowl and wipe 'em on a sort of red towel which the
nigger brought along with the bowls, I jest went over the manoeuvre as
natural as life.
Wal, while we were talking about the banks, and old times, and
Weathersfield folks dying off so, that coot of a nigger cleared the
table right off as slick as a whistle, and afore I hardly knew what the
fellow was up tu he come along and sot down a set of decanters, and two
cider bottles with the necks all covered over with sheet lead, and then
he brought two baskets made out of silver, one on 'em was filled chuck
full of oranges, and t'other was heaped up with great purple grapes; I
declare it eenamost made my mouth water to see the great bunches a
hanging over the edge of the basket. I'd jest put a whopper of a bunch
on the little Chena plate which the feller set for me, and was
considering whether it would be genteel to cut the grapes in tu with the
cunning little silver knife which was put by the plate, when all tu
once, pop went something, eenamost as loud as a pistol, close by me. I
jumped up about the quickest, I can tell you; but it was only the nigger
a opening one of the cider bottles; he poured out some for me in a great
long glass with a spindle neck, and I drunk it all at a couple of
swallers, without stopping to breath. By jingo! but it was capital
cider! arter I'd drunk one glass I begun tu feel as spry as a cricket.
"Here, snowball," says I, "give us another; these glasses are awful
small; now, I like to drink cider out of a pint mug."
"Take care," says cousin Beebe, "I'm afeard you'll find the cider, as
you call it, rather apt to get into your head."
"Not a bit of it," sez I, "I can stand a quart any day. Here, cousin
Mary, take another glass, you hain't forgot old times have you? though I
s'pose they don't have applecuts and quiltings here in York, du they?"
I don't remember what she said, but I know this, my eyes begun to grow
allfired bright, and afore I got up tu go hum that nigger must have put
more than twenty baskets of grapes on the table, and the oranges seemed
to grow bigger and bigger every minit, and I know there wur more than
three times as many glasses and decanters on the table, as there was at
fust.
I ruther think it was purty nigh tea time when I got up to go back to
the sloop agin. I insisted on giving cousin Mary a buss afore I went;
and I won't be sartin, but I kinder seem to remember shaking hands with
the nigger, consarn him, jest afore I went down the steps.
I don't feel very bright this morning, and I begin to think that maybe
I shall come back to Weathersfield arter all. The York cider don't seem
to agree with me. I've felt dredful peaked ever since I drunk it, and
kinder hum sick tu boot.
Your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER III.
Jonathan visits the Express Office--Sensations on seeing himself in
print.
DEAR PAR:
Since I wrote my last letter there's been no eend to the things that
I've had to du. Arter thinking about it eenamost two nights, I about
made up my mind tu settle down here in York a spell, and send you a
grist of letters now and then, which I mean to git printed in the New
York Express, the way I told you of.
I've been up to see the editors, and they want me to stay properly, and
I don't think I shall ever git so good a chance to take up this literary
way of gitting a living, as they call it, if I don't snap at this offer
tu once.
I thought at first that I'd try some other newspaper, and see if I could
git a higher bid, but somehow I'd taken a shine to the Express, and
thought it wasn't worth while. It warn't because there wasn't papers
enough, for you can't step three steps here in York, without stumbling
over a little stuck up newspaper office. Besides, there's no eend to the
papers carried round in the streets. You can't go any where but some
little dirty shaver or other, about knee high to a toad, will stick a
paper out under your nose, and ask you to buy it, as crank as can be.
Somehow, it kinder seemed to me that the New York Express took the shine
off the papers that I'd seen among 'em all, though they was as thick as
toads arter a rain storm. I had a notion to write for it from the first,
because, think sez I, that prime feller, Major Jack Downing, writes a
good deal for it, and I rather think we shall hitch tackle like any
thing.
Wal, jest as soon as I made up my mind about it, I went right off, full
chisel, to the Express Office. I'd been round there once afore to put my
t'other letter into the Post Office, and so the minit I come to the
corner of Wall and Nassau Street, and saw a house with the "New York
Express Office" writ on the eend, I knew it was the office without
asking. So I crossed over, and kinder hung about a leetle, jest to make
my heart stop a beating so, afore I went in. I swanny if I ever felt so
in my life! I was so anxious about that long letter that I sent to them
to get printed for you, that I was dreadful loth to go in, and eenamost
made up my mind to turn about and make tracks for the sloop agin!
Wal, sez I to myself, it won't do any hurt jest to take a look about the
premises afore I go. A feller can find out a good deal about a man's
natur, by the looks of things about the place he lives in; so I drew up
before a board, all stuck over with picters, and pieces of old
newspaper, by the eend of the building, and putting my hands in my
pockets, I stood still, and looked up'ards to see what I could make out.
But instid of taking an observation of the premises, I begun to think
about the cattle and the spring shotes that Judy White used to take sich
care on, till the tears eenamost cum into my eyes, I was so humsick.
Wal, I was standing there on the stun walk, with both hands buried
considerable deep in my trousers' pockets, a looking up at the sign writ
out on the eend of the office, when a feller cum up and begun to read
the pieces of paper stuck on the board jest outside. So I wiped the
tarnal tears away with the cuff of my coat, for it made me feel kinder
cheap to have anybody see a fellow of my size boo-hooing in York streets
because he happened to think about hum and old times; and I got up a
leetle grit, and went right straight down into the office, for it's half
under ground. A chap that sot back of a sort of counter, where there was
a lot of papers folded up, lifted his head once, and went to writing
agin as if I warn't nobody.
"Do you print the Evening Express here?" sez I kinder low, for I felt so
dreadful anxious about the letter, that I was eenamost choked.
"Yes" sez he, a gitting up, "do you want one?"
"Wal, I don't care if I take one," sez I, a forking out a
four-pence-halfpenny from my trousers' pocket. "Anything
particular--that is purty smart in it to-day?"
"Nothing _very_ remarkable to-day," sez he, "but if you call to-morrow
we shall print a capital letter from one Mr. Jonathan Slick of
Weathersfield."
I swanny if my heart didn't jump like a rabbit at the sight of a piece
of sweet apple in snow time! "You don't say so," sez I, and I tried not
to look tickled all I could, but somehow my mouth wouldn't stay still;
and I hain't the least dout but that I kept grinning in the feller's
face, jest like a monkey over a hot chesnut. It was as much as I could
du to keep from jumping over the counter and hugging him, I was so
allfired glad.
He didn't seem to mind, but sot down and begun to write agin as if
nothing was the matter, and so I took up the paper and went off; but, I
ruther guess I stepped high, for I kept thinking what you and marm and
Judy White would say when you saw yourselves all in print as large as
life.
When I went out, there stood the chap a reading the pieces of newspapers
yit. I wanted to go up and shake hands with him and tell him all about
it, I was so full of what the chap inside said about my letter, but I
didn't though. I went down to the sloop, and I wanted to tell Captain
Doolittle about it. But, sez I to myself, I'll choke in to-day, but if
his eyes don't stick out to-morrow I'll lose my guess.
I ruther think that I didn't let the grass grow under my feet, when
Thursday cum, but up I went at the Express Office like a house a-fire.
It raly seem'd as if my heart would bust, I was so dreadful anxious to
see the paper. I didn't stop to ketch breath but went right into the
office, and there sot a couple of fellers that looked as stiff and
knowing as could be, back of the counter. Sez I to myself, I guess I've
found the editors this time anyhow.
"I want to get five papers right off," says I (laying a quarter o'dollar
on the counter); with that one of the editors got up, as mealy-mouthed
as could be, and he put the quarter back in my hands--sez he,
"Mr. Slick, we shan't take money from _you_; here are the papers--come,
take a seat back of the counter here--we want to have a little talk with
you."
Wal, I went back, and the tallest of the two chaps got up, and gin me
his chair, and says he, "Mr. Slick, we've printed your letter, and
should like to have some more on 'em."
I hitched a little in my chair, and sez I, "Wal, if we can agree about
the price, I don't care if I send you a few more now and then."
"What subjects do you mean to take up, Mr. Slick?" says the shortest
one.
"Wal," sez I, "I hain't made up my mind yit, but I reckon a'most
anything that turns up."
"Supposing you try politics," sez the tall feller. "Major Jack Downing
has done purty well in that line. The 'lection comes on soon, and it'll
be a good time for you to begin."
"Wal," sez I, "I'll go about a little, and see how I like it."
"That's settled, then," sez t'other. "Now, Mr. Slick, if we ain't making
too bold, I should like to know how long you have been in New York?"
I kinder larfed in my sleeve to hear the sly coot try to come round, and
find out who I was and all about me. Sez I to myself, I ain't quite
sartin about the tall chap there, but I'll be blamed if you've the least
bit of Yankee in you. Now a feller of rale ginuine grit would cum up to
the mark tu once, and would a jest asked a feller right out who he was,
and where he cum from, and how much he was worth, and how much he owed,
besides some cute questions about his wife and children, if he wanted
tu. Wal, thinks I, the man hain't been brought up to these things, and
he ain't to be blamed for not knowing how. So I put one leg over
t'other, and sez I,
"Wal, gentlemen, it ain't of no use to go circumventing round the
subject, as old Deacon Miles used to in his exhortations, that had
neither eend, middle, or beginning. So I'll jest up and tell right out
who I am, and what I mean to du.
"I s'pose you've heard of Samuel Slick, that feller that wrote that
tarnal smart book about Canada, wooden clocks, and matters and things in
gineral?"
"_Sam_ Slick, you mean," sez the tall editor.
"No, I don't," sez I, setting up straight; "he was baptized Samuel in
the old Presbyterian Meeting-house in Weathersfield, and nobody but the
newspaper chaps ever thought of calling him Sam. It's too bad this
notion of cutting off the latter eend of a feller's name; it's a
whittling things down a leetle too close, and looks as if a feller's
father was so awful poor, that he couldn't afford to give a hull name to
his posterity. Wal, Samuel Slick, Esquire, is my own natral born
brother--I hain't no idee of bragging about my relation, because it's my
notion that in a free country every feller ought to cut his own fodder;
but when a man's relations is getting up in the world, it's of no use to
be mealy-mouthed about owning 'em."
"Yes," says the tall chap. "Mr. Samuel Slick is a relation which any man
might be proud to own."
I larfed a little. "Sartinly," sez I, "Samuel has contrived to come his
'soft sodder' over you newspaper chaps about the nicest. I've a notion,
too, that they'll find out that I haint much behind hand with him; but I
mean to write something about my life in Weathersfield one of these
days, and send it to you to print.
"Now, I tell you what it is, I've a notion to hire an office somewhere
down in Cherry street, and if you'll print my letters, why, I reckon I
can make out to get a living out of these Yorkers, by hook or by crook.
I mean to du things above board, and in an independent way, jest to see
how the experiment 'ill work, but if I find that it won't do, I'll take
up Samuel's plan, and go the soft sodder principle; his mode 'ill work
tarnation well, and if they don't find Jonathan Slick, your most
obedient servant to command, a chip from the same block, I'll lose my
guess, that's all!"
When I said this, I got up and put on my hat, and then I happened to
think about the fourpence halfpenny, and I turned to the chap that sot
writing, and sez I--
"Look a here! I believe I forgot to take change for fourpence t'other
day. I'll take that three cents now, if you've no objection." The feller
handed over the three coppers, and I pocketed 'em as I went out of
doors. "A penny saved is worth two arned," says I to myself.
The very minit I got into the street, I couldn't hold in any longer. So
I jest stopped on the walk by the Post-office and opened one of the
papers. By the living hokey! if the first thing I see wasn't a picter of
my own self, as large as life and twice as nat'ral, a standing up on the
top of the paper as crank as could be. There was the Express office jest
as it was when I fust see it. I swan! if I didn't haw-haw right out loud
in the street! Down I went to the sloop, about the quickest, and I up
and told Captain Doolittle all about it. I thought the tarnal critter
would a gone off the handle, he larfed so when he saw how nat'ral the
picter looked; but he larfed on t'other side of his mouth, I reckon,
when he read what I'd said about him in the letter. He got awful wrathy,
but I only sot still and took it as if nothing had been the matter.
"Look a here, Captain Doolittle," sez I, "aint Editors and Lawyers
always abusing one another in print? Don't they call each other all
kinds o' names, and then don't they shake hands and come soft sodder
over each other when they come face to face? If you have the honor of
going about with a man that writes for the newspapers, you must be an
etarnal coot if you git mad because he prints that you love cider-brandy
and eat raw turnips. I can tell you what, you wouldn't find many
newspaper chaps that'd stick to the truth as close as I did. So jest
haul in your horns, and I'll write a private letter to Par, and tell him
all I said about you was 'poetical license,' as the editors call it when
they've told a whopper, or a leetle too much truth--for one's as bad as
t'other now-a-days."
"Wal," sez he, "if you'll du that, I'll make up; yit it's allfired hard.
But I say, Jonathan, you'll stand treat, won't you?"
I felt sorry for the critter, and so I went to a grocery with him, and I
guess the long nines and the New England rum that I called for sot all
things tu rights in less than no time.
Your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER IV.
The Political Meeting and its Disasters.
DEAR PAR:
Wal, a few nights ago, I thought I'd try one of them political meetings
the Editor's wanted me to attend and see how they carried on there. So
Captain Doolittle and I went to one of the great halls hired for
caucuses and crowded in by degrees, for the hull building was jammed
full of human live stock long afore we got there. Arter a good deal of
scuffling, we got up by one of the winders where we could see purty much
all that was going on. I never in all my born days saw such a lot of
horned cattle together. Some on 'em was barefooted, and a good many
hadn't more than a coat and a pair of trousers among four or five on
'em. One feller close by me had the rim of his hat ripped off till it
hung down on his shoulders: the top was stove in, and he had a black
eye, besides another that wouldn't see straight. "Look a here," sez he,
to me, "why don't you shout when we du?"
"Because I aint a mind tu," sez I; "how are you going to help yourself?"
Jest then a leetle pussy lawyer cum a crowding through the gang, and at
the sight of him they all sot up a noise that made my hair stand on
eend.
I never heard anything like it; they yelled and hollered enough to split
the ruff of the house. The chunked feller, with his hat knocked into the
middle of next week, poked about with his elbows till he got room to
draw his fiddle bow across a rickety fiddle, that had two of the strings
broke off and was cracked from eend to eend. Squeak, squeak, went the
fiddle close to my ear, like a pig when he's being yoked. With that, a
lot of fellers, some with their coat tails tore off, and some with their
trousers held up with a piece of list instead of galluses, and every one
on 'em as ragged as year old colts, begun to dance up and down the room,
but such double shuffles and pigeon wings was enough to make a feller
die a larfin. Our old white cow used to dance twice as well when she got
into one of her tantrums. "Hurra for our side! hurra! hurra!" yelled out
a tall feller close by the fiddler, with a mouth that twisted one way
and his nose curling off on t'other side, as if they hated each other
like cats and dogs; and with that he took off his old straw hat and
shied it off into the middle of the dancers. It lodged on the top of a
feller's head that was jest then trying to cut a pigeon wing over one of
the benches.
"Helloa, you feller you, jest toss back that hat, will you?" sung out
the tall feller, a pitching for'ard head over heels arter his hat.
"No I wont, I'll be rumbusticated if I du;" sez the t'other chap, a
pushing toward the door, holding the hat down with both hands, as if he
warn't used to them kind o' things; "all fair in 'lection time. Hurra
for equal rights!"
Jest then there cum in a grist of fellers a yelling and a kicking up
their heels like all possessed. They'd brought in some more 'lection
news.
"Who on arth can these critters be?" sez I to Captin Doolittle.
"Oh that's a squad of Irishmen; don't you see how the hair's all worn
off their heads a carrying brick hods on 'em?" says the Captin.
"You don't say so; now by gracious how they du blather out their words,
dont they?" sez I, but I might as well a been talking to a stun fence,
for jest that minit the hull on 'em sot up a noise that was enough to
make a feller's eye teeth jump out of his head.
Did you ever hear four hundred thousand wild cats, and bears, and
wolves, and screech owls, a squalling, and a howling, and a squeaking
together? If you haint, there's no use trying to make you have the least
idee how that etarnal crowd of critters did hoot and yell. There they
were a screaming, and a stamping, and a dancing, and a fiddling, all in
a heap, till a feller couldn't hear himself think, and wouldn't a known
what he was thinking about if he did hear.
Now says a leetle man by the winder, clear your pipes, feller citizens;
let's give 'em a song. I've got one printed off here so that you can all
jine in. Them that can't read or don't know the tune can sing Yankee
Doodle or Hail Columbia.
With that he flung a hull grist of papers among the crowd and begun tu
raise his ebenezer rather strong afore the rest sot in. By-am-by they
all got a going, and the way they roared out the song was awful, I can
tell you. Some of 'em sung in one tune and some in another--every man
went on his own hook. The pussy little feller pulled away on the fiddle
like all natur, and the chap with the skewed nose made a plaguey
squeaking with a split fife that he had. The feller that hadn't no crown
in his hat bellered out Auld Lang Syne, and I see another chap holding
his paper upside down, and blowing away at Old Hundred like all natur.
When they begun to drop off, for it warn't to be expected that sich a
heap of critters could stop all together, the pussy feller with the
fiddle yelled out, "Hurra for the song!--Three cheers for singing!" And
then they went at it agin, a hooting and tossing up their hats--them
that had 'em--as if Old Nick himself had kicked 'em on eend. By
gracious! I don't believe such a lot of white Injuns ever got together
before, or ever will agin. There was one great feller, as pussy as a bag
of bran in harvest time, that roared out his words like a hog that had
been larned to talk.
"That's a Yorkshireman," sez Captin Doolittle, "I'll treat if it aint."
"Wal, who on arth is that feller there a talking to that little stuck up
chap with the peaked nose? What in the name of natur does he mean by his
_spracks_ and his _yaws?_ If I was the little feller, I'd jest thank him
not to bark in my face that way; he opens his mouth as if he was a going
to swaller the poor critter hull, every time he speaks--du tell, who can
he be, Captin?"
"Wal," sez the Captin, "I don't know sartin, but I ruther guess he's one
of them Dutch fellers, by his lingo."
"There, now, look a there," sez I, a pinting to a feller that had jest
come up to the Dutch chap. He wasn't over clean, anyhow, but he had a
great brass handkercher-pin stuck in his bosom, and he strutted so that
a common chap couldn't a touched him with a ten foot pole. I poked my
elbows into Captin Doolittle's ribs, to try and make him tell me what he
was; but he was a looking t'other way, and wouldn't mind me. By-am-by
the feller begun to talk to the Dutch chap. He kept a flinging his arms
about every which way, and a jabbering over a mess of lingo that was
enough to make a man larf in his face. The words all run together like
marm's curd when the cheese gets contrary and wont set. The Dutch feller
kept a opening his mouth, and once in a while a word would come out full
chunk right in t'other's face. Think sez I, if this aint a touch of the
dead languages, it ought to be, that's all--for it's enough to make a
feller die right off to hear it. He seemed to be ashamed of himself at
last, and begun to try to talk genuine American, but he made awful work
on't. By-am-by I found out that he was a Frenchman; for a tall laathy
feller, that I'd a took my Bible oath cum straight off the Green
Mountains, went up to him, sort o' wrathy, and sez he, "Hold your yop,
you tarnal Frenchman; if you don't like this country and what we're a
doing, you'd better go back hum agin. I haint no doubt but you can git
enough frog soup without coming here to run us down."
The French feller turned as red as a turkey's topping, and he began to
sputter away as mad as he could be. But t'other chap jest put his hands
in his pockets and sez he--"you go to grass." I don't know what else he
said, for that minit they all sot up one of their almighty roars and
yelled out--"a speech, a speech." Then a feller with spectacles on, got
up to make a speech, and arter rolling up his shirt sleeves and spitting
on his hands as if he was going to chopping wood, he went at it shovel
and tongs.
I'll be darned to darnation if it didn't make my blood bile to hear how
he went on. Sich a stream o' talk I never did hear cum from one human
critter. At last I got so wrathy that I couldn't stand it no longer, and
bust right out the minit he'd got through.
"Feller citizens of New York," sez I, a mounting myself on the winder
sill, and sticking my right arm out as stiff as a crowbar, "I aint much
used to public speaking, but I must say a few words."
"Hurra for the Yankee--go it green horn--tip us a speech, a rale
downright Roarer!" sung out more than a dozen on 'em, and all the men
about me turned their jaws up, and opened their mouths as if I'd been
histed up there for a show.
"Feller citizens," sez I, "I've been a listening to you here this night
(they kept as still as mice now), and the rale American blood has been
biling in my heart to see sich carryings on and to hear sich things said
as that feller's been a talking," ("Hustle him out," sez they, "throw
him over; go it ye cripples;") but when they got still sez I, "Since
I've cum here to this city I've almost made up my mind that there aint a
ginuine teetotal patriot among ye all, on one side or t'other, and that
the least shake of a truth would suit a downright politic feller as well
as water would a mad dog, and no better!" ("Hurra for the Yankee," sez
they.) "Now," says I, a sticking out both arms tu once, "In
revolutionary times it was worth while to a public character to turn
solger, or patriot, or politician, for in them times folks found so much
to du that they couldn't git time to lie so like all natur as they du
now-a-days. In them glorious times a feller could shoulder his bagonet
and write out his politics on the heart of the enemy, and there warn't
no mistake in the handwriting. (What a clapping and stomping they made
here!) When they sung out liberty, I reckon the British knew the meaning
on't." ("Three cheers for the Yankee," sez they again, "Three cheers for
the Yankee,") and then they hollered and yelled and whooped and stomped,
and whooped and yelled agin and agin, like so many Injuns jest broke
loose,--then sez I--for I _was_ skeered by the noise they made, and my
hair stood up on eend I felt so dandery. "Feller citizens, as true as I
live, it eenamost makes me cuss and swear to think on't, though my par
is the deacon of a church. When the people of these times sing out
liberty, a feller can't tell whether they mean to tear down a flour
store or roast a nigger alive." (But don't you think, that when I got as
fur as here, as much as two thousand on 'em was taken dreadful sick all
tu once, and groaned out in rale agony,) "but," sez I, "I don't wonder
the old Revolutionary Patriots die off so. What I've seen of politics is
enough to send every one on 'em into the grave with their tough old
hearts broken and their foreheads wrinkled with shame at the news they
have got to carry to Gineral Washington in t'other world!"
I stopped to catch a little breath and was jest poking out my arm agin
to go on, for I felt as bold as a lion, and the words cum a flowing into
my mouth so thick, I couldn't but jest find room for 'em. But the
etarnal pack of varmints set up a yell that would a frightened any man
out of a year's growth; and afore I knew which eend my head was on, they
got hold on me and pitched me down stairs, and left me a wallering in
the gutter. The first thing I knew I felt something floundering about
under me, and a great black hog that had been lying in the gutter give a
grunt, and pitched me for'ard on my face and went off squealing a little
as if he was used to being driv up by company any time of night in them
quarters.
Wal, I picked myself up as well as I could, and I went down to the
Express office like a streak of chalk. I found the tall editor a setting
there counting up some 'lection figgers, and he looked eenamost tuckered
out. Sez I, "Mister Editor, look a here," and with that I showed him
where they'd bust out the back of my coat a flinging me down stairs, and
how that plaguy hog had kivered my new cassimere trousers all over with
mud. Sez he, and he couldn't help from larfing, "don't mind it, Mr.
Slick; I've got wuss usage than that many a time."
"Yis," sez I, as wrothy as all natur, "but I guess you haint been
pitched head for'ard into the gutter with that tarnal hog."
"Wal," sez he, a trying to keep from larfin all he could, "try it again,
Mr. Slick, you'll get used to these things by-am-by."
"I'll be darned to darnation if I du, and that's the eend on't!" sez I,
a doubling up my fist. "If I can't find nothing but politics to write
about, I'll go back to Weathersfield about the quickest, I can tell you
that."
Wal, the long and the short on it was, I got back to the sloop and
turned in awfully womblecropped, and as sore all over as a bile. I can't
go out to-day, so I have writ this letter.
From your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER V.
A Little of Jonathan's Private Love Affairs.
TO THE EDITORS OF THE EXPRESS:
Wal, you see I'm as good as my word. I hadn't hardly read t'other letter
through, afore I sot right down and begun this right off the reel. By
the living jingo! how it makes the blood bile and tingle in a fellow's
heart to see his writing printed, and to hear people a talking about it.
I wish you could a seen my office the morning arter that fust letter cum
out. I thought my neck would'v got the cramp, I had to bow so much to
the folks that cum in to give me advice about my letters. One feller got
awful wrathy about what I writ about politics, but I jest told him to
mind his own bisness, for I guessed my eye teeth was cut if I did cum
from the country. He begun to git a leetle imperdent, so I got up and
showed him the door; and when he wouldn't go peaceably, I jest give him
a specimen of Weathersfield sole-leather, but it's no use writing about
such varmint.
Now you know who I be, you won't think it very odd when I tell you how
awful womblecropt I felt to think what a chance the old folks gave
Samuel to see the world, while they kept me tied down to the onion beds
as tight as marm Jones used to be to that leetle squalling youngen of
hern, that was so cross that its teeth couldn't cut straight, but stuck
out catecorning all round its gums.
It made me choke awfully to see Samuel drive off with his wagon chuck
full of wooden clocks, all painted and varnished up as neat and shining
as one of your New York gal's faces on a Sunday. I could bit a tenpenny
nail right in two without feeling it a morsel; but it was no use
quarrelling. The old man said I hadn't got my growth yit, which was true
enough, for it kinder stunted me to be always a bending over the
darnation onion patches. It was awful hard, I can tell you. I do
believe, if it hadn't been for the resting spells I got in the winter, I
should a been as bow backed as an ox yoke. I'll be darned, if it didn't
take me from fall till planting time to get the kinks out of my back.
Wal, I grinned and bore it purty well, considering, and, to own the
truth, it wasn't so terrible hard while Judy White lived with marm. For
a hired gal, Judy was a tarnal smart critter; there wasn't a gal in all
Weathersfield could pull an even yoke with her a stringing onions.
Nothing on arth puts a feller to his stumps like pulling in the same
team with a purty gal--and between us, it aint no ways disagreeable to
sit down in the middle of a patch of onions all running to seed, to work
with a gal like Judy. I say nothing, but, by gracious! if my heart
hasn't beat like a partridge on a dry log, sometimes when I've catched
her a looking at me from under her great sun-bonnet; but as for courting
or anything of that sort, she kept a feller at a distance, I can tell
you. I ruther guess my ears catched it once, but I reckon I won't tell
of that though; it's better to think about than talk over.
I don't mean to say that Judy had anything agin sparking in a regular
way, on Sunday nights in the east room, when the paper curtains was all
down, and the old folks had gone to bed. It cum kinder nateral to set up
till two or three o'clock, and Judy warn't by no means old-maidish. But
by-am-by the old woman began to make a fuss cause we burned out so many
of her candles. She needn't a made such a rout, for they warn't made of
nothing but soap grease with tow wicks; and I'm sartin it wasn't my
fault if we burnt so many. I'd a been glad enough to have sot in the
dark, but Judy wouldn't hear a word on't.
The old woman got into a tantrum one Monday morning afore breakfast. She
called Judy all sorts of things but a good gal and a lady, and twitted
her about being poor and setting her cap for me. At last Judy got her
grit up, and I ruther guess she finished off the old woman in fine
style. I suffered a few between them, I can tell you. The old woman
began to brag about Samuel, for she's felt mighty crank about him ever
since he had that great dinner give to him down on the Canada line
there--and sez she to Judy, sez she--
"I don't see how on arth you aim to think of such imperdence as sitting
up with my Jonathan. Why, aint my Samuel one of the biggest authors in
the country, aint he hand and glove with all the judges and lawyers, and
the New York editors, and all the big bugs fur and near? I'd have you to
know my boys aint men of the common chop, and I guess any on 'em will
look a plaguey sight higher than to take up with a hired gal. Why, who
knows but Jonathan will be as illustrated a man as his brother one of
these days!"
I couldn't begin to give the least idea of the stream o'talk the old
woman let out on the poor gal. But, by gracious, I rather guess she
missed it a few. I wish you could a seen Judy White's face, for by the
living hokey, if it didn't turn five hundred colours in a minit. I raly
thought the critter would a jumped out of her skin she was so awful mad.
"I don't care that for your son, Miss Slick," sez she, a snapping her
fingers in the old woman's face, "I can marry his betters any day. I
wouldn't have him, not if every hair in his head was shining with
diamonds; no, not if he'd go down on his knees to me; you make a
terrible fuss cause Sam's gone sneaking about among decent people, but,
after all, what is he but a wooden clock pedler, and as for you, you old
vinegar-faced good for nothin----."
She was a going on to give poor marm an awful drubbing, but I always
think a feller must be a mean shote that 'ill stand mum and hear any
body call his mother names, whether she desarves them or not. So I
stepped up and stood right afore Judy, and I looked her straight in the
face, and, sez I, "Miss Judy," sez I, "I don't want to hear no more of
this ere; come now, you and marm jest hush up, and don't let me hear
another darned word, for I won't stand it."
With that marm put her linsey woolsey apron up to her face, and begun to
boo hoo right out, and, sez she, "It comes awful tough to be trod on in
one's own house; I won't bear it, so there now."
"Now, Judy," sez I, kinder coaxing, "jest go and make up; marm's a
good-hearted critter, and you know it's kinder nateral for wimmin folks
to git a little crabbed once in a while."
By gracious, if I wouldn't rather break a yoke of steers any day, than
try to make up a quarrel between two wimmin when they once get their
dander up; and of all horned cattle Judy White did take the rag off the
bush when she once got agoing.
"Git out of my way, yeu mean, snaeking critter you," sez she, hitting me
a slap over the chops that made my teeth rattle; "I won't make up, nor
touch tu; I only feel sorry that I ever demeaned myself to set up with
you; I'll leave the house this minnit."
Out of the room she went like a she-hurricane, and after she had picked
up her duds she made tracks for home, without as much as bidding one of
us good by.
It's curios how men will git used to eenamost anything; now I don't
purtend to say that I hadn't a kind of a sneaking notion after Judy
White, but somehow when I seen the tears come into the old woman's eyes,
dimming her old steel-bowed spectacles, the water always would start
into my own eyes, spite of all I could do to keep it out; so it wasn't
to be expected that I should not feel disagreeable when the two got
their dander up, and went into such a tantrum with each other. But there
sot the old man a chonking an apple, and kinder larfin inside of him all
the time, jest as he'd a looked on to see two cats scratch and spit at
one another. I axed him how he could du so, and he tossed the apple core
out of the winder, and puckered up his mouth and said, "I hadn't got
used to the wimmen folks yit; the best way with them kind o' things was
to let 'em alone."
Now it wouldn't a been much of a chore to have gone over to old Mr.
White's two or three times a week, and if Judy had done the clean thing
toward the old woman, I don't know but I should a gone to see her over
there, but somehow a gal kicks over the milk pail when she lets her
ebenezer git up before a feller, jest as he's beginning to hanker arter
her. I couldn't make up my mind to tackle in with a critter that had
shown such an allfired spiteful temper, so the next Sunday night I let
her go home from singing school alone. I saw her look back kinder
anxious two or three times, and jest for the minit my heart riz up in my
throat till it eenamost choked me. But I kept a stiff upper lip, and
went on without seeming to mind her; and then she tossed up her head
and begun to sing, as if she wanted to show me that she didn't care a
cent for all I could do.
I felt awful bad for a day or two, but a feller must be a sap-head if he
can't make up his mind to give a gal the mitten when he thinks she
desarves it. Now if Judy had had the small-pox, and had been pitted all
over like a honey comb, I'd a stood by her to the last minnit; but
somehow I couldn't git over the awful basting she gave marm. I do like
to see old folks treated well, let 'em do what they will, and a gal
can't be fit to bring up a family if she doesn't know how to keep her
own temper. Besides, she hasn't much true ginuine love for a chap, when
she won't try to put up with the faults of his relations for his sake.
Wal, the long and the short of it was, I gin Judy White the sack right
off the reel, without stopping to chew the matter a bit.
Wall, arter this, working alone grew awful tedious, and I begun to
hanker to see the world. So as father was loading up a sloop to send
down to New York, I came a little of Samuel's soft sodder over the old
man, and told him how much better I could sell off the onions and red
cabbages, than eenamost any body else; and at last he said I might come
down as a kinder supercargo. So he filled up the hold with potaters,
real blue noses, I can tell you, and piled up a whole crop of garden
sarce on the deck, and we sot sail down the river.
Now, I'd made up my mind to stay in the city when I once got clear of
the humstead, but you may guess I didn't let out a word to the old
folks, for it al'es hurts my feelings to see marm take on, and I didn't
like to make the old man rip out _too_ much, for he was a deacon of the
Presbyterian Church. We was three days a coming down the river, and it
made me awful wrathy to see that lazy old critter, "the Cleopatra," go
by us on her way to the city and back agin before we got into the East
river. We give her two cheers each time, but neither on 'em come from
below the palate, I can tell you. We got into Peck slip at last safe and
sound, and if I didn't jump on to the wharf as spry as a cricket, then
there's no snakes on the green mountain that's all.
I am your humble servant to command,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER VI.
Jonathan's Opinions of Ministerial Interference--A Card of Invitation,
and an Evening Party at Cousin Beebe's, in which Jonathan makes some
Mistakes and a Lady Acquaintance.
DEAR PAR:
I have just received your letter, and so I sot right down to answer it;
for what you writ about my treating Captin Doolittle, and using sich bad
language, made me feel bad enough. I don't know the reason on it, but
when a feller's away from hum, it makes him feel awful oneasy to think
that he's done anything to hurt his par or mar's feelings.
Now, about that Captin Doolittle business, I don't think arter all, I
was much to blame. What I writ about him hurt the critter's feelings a
good deal, and I didn't know of any way to make up but to treat, and so
I did give him a drink of New England and a long nine or so, but I
didn't drink any myself, not a single horn, and it warn't more 'an half
fair for the minister to begin at you about it arter meeting last
Sunday, and to tell you that you hadn't brought me up in the virtue and
admonition of the Lord, and to say that "you be darned" and "darnation,"
is jest as bad as cussing and swearing right out. For him to take it on
himself to twit you, and say that, "jest as the twig is bent the tree's
inclined," is consarned mean, and I wouldn't bear it nor a touch tu if I
was you. He knows as well as can be, that if I warn't bent right it
wasn't no fault of your'n, for I'm sartin it wouldn't a been in the
natur of things to have twisted me any other way than head for'erd, if
you calculated on my weeding the onions as they ought to be.
Now, the truth on it is, I begin to think that your ministers there in
Connecticut pull the bit on the church members a leetle too tight
sometimes, and instid of giving you good holesome doctrine, right pure
out of the Bible, and taking the potaters and apples and wood and
chickens and turkies that the deacons and old maids send to them as part
pay, they sometimes contrive to make their being ministers an excuse for
poking their fingers into every body's pie as well as their own.
I am afeard you won't like to hear me say so; but it does make me awful
wrothy to hear that the minister threatened to turn you out of the
church if you let me go on so--but you needn't be a bit consarned about
that. He'd no more turn you out of the meeting than he'd strike his own
granny, not as long as you own the best farm in all Weathersfield, and
send him a fat turkey every thanksgiving day, besides paying pew tax and
all the other taxes, as you du. I don't know what he might du if you was
to fail and bust up; for as soon as a man begins to get poor, the
ministers grow awful particlar about his morality and religion; but
there's no fear of that; so jest tell him the next time he threatens to
church you for what I'm a doing down here in York, that you'll serve him
as the parliament in England used to fix their King when he begun to
grow obstropulous, and as they would sarve that little skittish Queen of
theirn if she wanted to have a way of her own. Tell him you'll "stop his
supplies." Don't send him a turkey next thanksgiving, and tell marm not
to carry a single doughnut nor a skein of tow yarn to the next
spinning-bee that his church members make for him. I ruther guess that
this will bring him to his senses. As for me, tell him to go to grass
and eat bog hay till's he as fat as Nebuchadnezzar. I aint one of his
church members any how, and if I was, I shouldn't ask him to take care
of me. I know what I'm about, and he needn't be scared on my account. I
know as well as he does that York has a tarnal sight of bad people in
it; and I know, too, that there's a good many rale down right honest,
hull-hearted fellers here, tu. As for the wimmen, though they are
dreadfully stuck up, and eenamost ruin their husbands with dressing fine
and giving parties, there's some of them that aint to be sneezed at in a
fog, I can tell you. I don't want to say any thing to hurt the
minister's feelings, but he needn't cum his church threats over me, for
it won't du no good, I'll be darned if it will.
Wal, now that I've gin the minister a piece of my mind, free gratis for
nothing, I may as well write what's been a going on down here in York.
One morning a little black boy cum into my office with a heap of
letters, and he give me one without speaking a word, and went off agin.
I opened the letter, and there dropped out a square piece of white
pasteboard, and on it was printed, in leetle finefied letters, "Mrs.
Beebe at home--Thursday evening."
Wal, sez I to myself, if this don't take the rag off the bush--cousin
Mary's got to gadding about so much, that she has to send round word
when she is a going to stay at hum one evening. I do wonder how Mr.
Beebe can stand it. I shouldn't blame him if he took to drink, or got
into bad company, if his wife goes on so; for if a woman won't stay to
hum nights, and keep every thing nice and snug agin her husband comes
away from his bisness, a feller must have an allfired good heart, and a
good head tu, if he don't go off and git into scrapes on his own hook.
I sot down and histed my feet on the top of the stove, and begun to
think it all over, till it seemed to be my duty to go and talk to cousin
Mary about the way she was a going on. I remembered what a purty, smart
little critter she used to be when she lived in Connecticut, and how
kind hearted she was; and then I thought of her queer stuck up ways
since I'd seen her here; and it was as much as I could du to keep the
tears out of my eyes, for if cousin Mary had been my own sister, I
couldn't a liked her better than I did when she was a gal.
Wal, arter thinking it all over, I made up my mind to go and ask John if
he didn't think it best for me to go and talk to her, for I felt kinder
loth to meddle with his business, if he didn't want me tu; and anyhow, I
didn't expect much thanks for giving her advice--for when a feller steps
in between man and wife, it's like trying to part a cat and a dog, and
he is lucky enough if he don't git scratched by one and worried to death
by t'other; but I looked at the piece of paste-board agin, and made up
my mind that something ought to be done, and if John didn't take it up,
I would; for if there's any thing I du hate on arth, it's a gadding
woman--and I didn't feel as if I could give cousin Mary up quite yit.
Wal, I took my hat, and put my hands in my trousers' pockets, and walked
along kinder slow through Cherry street, till I cum to Franklin Square.
I did'nt seem to mind any body, for my heart felt sort a heavy with
thinking of old times. I kept a looking down on the stun walk, and felt
eenamost as much alone as if I'd been in a Connecticut cramberry swamp;
yit there was more than fifty people a walking up and down the Square.
I'd got jest agin the old Walton House, that was built afore the
revolutionary war, but was so busy a thinking, that I forgot to look up
at the arms and figgers carved out over the door, every one of 'em put
up there by a British tory family afore Gineral Washington drove them
out of house and hum--when all to once somebody hit me a slap on my
shoulder that made me jump eenamost into the middle of next week. I
looked up, and there was cousin Beebe a larfin like all natur because
he'd made me jump so.
"Hello, cousin Jonathan!" sez he, "what the deuce are you thinking
about?"
"About that," says I, a forking out the piece of pasteboard from my
trousers' pocket, "a little stuck up nigger jest gin me that ere."
"Wal, what of it?" says cousin John, "it's all right I see, I suppose
you'll come of course?"
"Yes," sez I, "I was a jest a going down to see you about it, and if
you'd jest as livs I'll go right straight up and talk to her now; I feel
as if I could say enough to break her heart, if it has got ever so
tough."
With that Cousin Beebe bust right out a larfin. "That's right," says he,
"you're coming on bravely, don't talk about one heart, I havn't the
least doubt but you'll break a dozen--you literary chaps carry all
before you in that way."
I felt kinder unsartin how to take his meaning, for it seemed as if he
was a poking fun at me, for wanting to give his wife some good advice;
at last I spoke up, and sez I--
"If cousin Mary has got _one_ good sound heart left to break, since she
came here to York, she's a good deal better off than I took her to be."
With that John begun to stare, and at last he bust out a larfin again.
"Why," sez he, "you haint no idee of getting up a flirtation with Mary,
have you? upon my word, cousin Slick, you are a shaking off all your
steady habits in a hurry. It generally takes a feller, though, some
months' training, in fashionable society, before he can bring himself to
make love to another man's wife."
"Now," sez I, "cousin Beebe, what on arth do you mean? as true as I live
I shall git wrathy if you keep on in this way. Aint my father a deacon
of the church? Aint I sot under Minister Smith's preaching since I was
knee high to a toad? It's an allfired shame for you to talk to me as if
I was a going to demean myself by making love to anybody, much less to
another man's wife. When I du make love, sir, I can tell you what, it
will be with a hull heart and an honest one tu; I'll never be afeard to
look a girl in the face when I ask her to take me, or to let her look in
mine for fear she'll see villain writ out in my eyes. As for your
married women, they needn't be afeared that anybody, I don't care how
imperdent he is, will make love to them, without they begin first. Now,
Cousin Beebe, seeing as we've gone so far, jest look a here, see what
your wife has sent to me!"
With that I give him the paper which the pasteboard was done up in,
where Cousin Mary had writ, "Mrs. Beebe hopes Mr. Slick will not fail to
come."
Cousin John read it, and sez he, "Wal, what harm is there in this? I'm
sure it was very thoughtful of Mary, and I'm glad she did it. You will
go of course; there will be a good deal of company, and they are all
anxious to see you since your letters come out in the Express."
"What," sez I, "is Miss Beebe a going to have a party--why didn't she
say so then?"
"Oh it's only a _swarry_, she often has them," says he.
"A what?" sez I.
"A _swarry_--a _conversationanny_," sez he. I couldn't think what he
meant, but I remembered that jest afore Mary was married she used to
have hysteric fits, now and then, and I thought they give them things
some other name down here in York.
"Dear me," sez I, "I'm sorry, but if I can do any good I'll come up, I
s'pose you'll have a doctor."
"Oh yes," sez he, "there'll be two or three, besides lots of lawyers,
and poets, and editors."
"You don't say so," sez I, "why what will you du with them all?"
"Oh Mary will take care of them," sez he, "she does those things very
well, indeed, considering she was brought up in the country."
"But I thought you wanted us to take care of her," sez I.
"Why, of course you will all make yourselves as agreeable as you can;
there will be lots of harnsome wimmen there, and I haint the least doubt
we shall have a pleasant party."
"A party!" sez I, "is Miss Beebe a going to have a party?"
"Certainly," sez he, a looking puzzled; "didn't you understand that by
the card and the note?" I felt my heart rise up in my mouth, and I could
have begun to dance on the stun walk. I do believe nothing on arth makes
a feller feel so happy as to find out that somebody he can't help but
like, but has been a thinking hard things about, don't desarve them.
Cousin John kept a looking at me, and I begun to feel awful streaked,
for it seemed to me as if he suspected all that I'd been a thinking agin
his wife. Arter a minit, I up and took my hand out of my pocket, and I
took hold of his'n, and, sez I--
"Cousin John, I've been making a darned fool of myself; I didn't know
what this ere piece of pasteboard meant, and I"--
"Never mind, Cousin Jonathan," sez he, all of a sudden shaking my hand,
"you know what it means now--so come up on Thursday. Now I think of
it--you had better git a new suit of clothes; that blue coat and those
shiny brass buttons did very well for Weathersfield; but here something
a little more stylish will be better--supposing you go over to the
Broadway tailors and let them fit you out."
"Not as you know on," sez I, a taking hold of the edge of my coat, and
a dustin off the buttons with my red silk pocket handkercher. "The
picter that they printed of me in the Express newspaper was taken in
these clothes; and if you'd jest as livs, I'll keep 'em on."
Cousin John warn't to be put off so, and at last he cum his soft sodder
over me, till I agreed to get another suit of clothes, New York cut, for
parties and meetings. So we shook hands, and he turned and went back to
his store agin, for he was a coming up to my office; and I jest turned
into a narrer street, and took a short cut across to the Express Office.
The Editors give me some money, for they aint no ways mean about paying
me for what I write for their paper; and they put on the soft sodder
purty strong about my letters. They said that everybody was a reading
them and a trying to find out something about me, and that lots of young
ladies had seen my picter and were a dying to git acquainted with me. I
warn't much surprised at it. Arter putting the poetry into my letters so
strong, I was sartin that all the gals would be a talking about me.
Nothing takes with them like poetry. I had my eye teeth cut when I wrote
that, I can tell you. I couldn't help but feel tickled to hear them
praising me so; but somehow one gits used to being puffed up, and arter
a little while a feller don't seem to care so much about it.
Wal, I pocketed the cash and went to the tailors' store; it was a plaguy
harnsome place, and there were two or three spruce-looking chaps
standing about; but they looked at me kinder slanting, as if they
thought I didn't want to buy anything; and I could see one on them
looking arnestly at my coat, as if he didn't like the fit on't. I
declare I begun to get ashamed of the old blue, when I cum to see the
harnsome coats and vests and trousers hanging around.
"Have you got any first rate superfine broadcloth coats and trousers to
sell here?" sez I, a chinking the loose change in my trousers' pocket a
leetle, jest to show them that I was as good as the city banks, and held
out specie payments yit.
"Yes," sez one of the clerks, a bowing. "What color do you wish to look
at?"
"Wal," sez I, "I ruther think I'll take that color that looks so much
like burnt coffee, or else a rale indigo blue, I aint particular, only I
want it in the tip of the fashion--a rale harnsome fit, and all that,
for I'm a going to a swarry and a conversationanny, and I want to shine
like a new pin."
While I was a talking, a knowing sort of a feller cum out of the back
room, and when he see me a looking at a coat that I seemed to take a
notion tu he cum up and begun to talk about it--he pinted out the silk
lining and the way it was stuffed and quilted under the arms, and would
have me try it on. So I stripped off the old coat and put the new one
on. I can tell you it sot as slick as grease; there warn't a wrinkle or
a pucker in it, from the top of the velvet collar to the eend of the
flap. I looked as trim and as genteel as could be in it--when it was
buttoned over tight it seemed to me that I warn't bigger round than a
quart cup.
Sez the gentleman, sez he, "that's a capital fit, sir, you won't du
better than to take it."
"Wal," sez I, "I don't know as I shall, I kinder seem to like myself in
it--how much do you ask, hey?"
"Why," sez he, "that's a fust rate coat, superfine cloth and beautiful
trimmings; but the times are hard, and I'll let you have it low for
cash;" and then he sot his price; "but," sez he, "you mustn't tell how
cheap you got it, for I couldn't sell any more at that price."
"Wal," sez I, "I ruther guess I'll take it; now let us look at some of
your vests and trousers. I shall have to beat you down a leetle on them,
for I'm raly afeard my money won't hold out."
"Not much fear of that," sez he, and he opened a drawer and took out an
allfired heap of trousers. Arter I'd tumbled 'em over awhile, I picked
out a pair of rale harnsome checkered ones, and then I bought a black
vest with yaller stripes all over it, and between us, I ruther guess it
made a considerable hole in the money that I got from the editors of the
Express, to pay for 'em all. The man had done 'em up, and I was jest a
going to take them hum under my arm, but sez he--
"Where will you have them sent, sir?"
"Wal," sez I, arter thinking a minit, "you may direct them to Mr.
Jonathan Slick, and send them round to the Express office, if you've no
objection."
I wish you _could_ a seen the feller! he seemed to be all struck up into
a heap when I said this, and the clarks looked at each other, and cum
toward us as if they had never seen anybody that wrote for newspapers
afore.
"Mr. Slick," sez the head man, making a bow eenamost to the ground, "I'm
much obliged for your custom, and I hope you'll cum agin. If you find
the clothes suit you, perhaps you'll send any of your friends to our
establishment, who happen to want any thing in our line. We shall always
be happy and proud to sarve Mr. Slick or any of his friends."
Here he made another bow, and I stepped back, and bent for'ard a trifle,
jest to let him see that his soft sodder warn't put on at all coarse;
and, sez I, "Wal, I'll try the clothes, and if they turn out fust-rate,
mebby I'll mention where I got them in one of my letters. There is a
good many chaps jest a going to be married about Weathersfield, and it
won't do them no harm to know where to come for the wedding clothes."
With that the tailor bowed agin, and, sez he, "Mr. Slick, where shall I
have the honor of sending you one of my fust-rate vests, or a pair of
harnsome pantaloons? I'll take your measure, and have them made on
purpose for you."
"Wal, now, I don't know as I can afford to buy any more jest yit," sez
I; "but when these are wore out, I think as likely as not I shall cum
agin."
"Oh," sez he, a rubbing his hands a little, and a smiling and bowing
agin, "let us take your measure, and we shan't quarrel about the pay, we
shall be most proud to supply you with a good article; and if you will
accept of them, the honor"----
"Oh," sez I, a bowing, "you are very obliging, I'm sure, Mr. ----."
"Where shall we send them when they are done?" says he.
"Direct them as you did the others, to Mr. Jonathan Slick, to the care
of the Editors of the Express. And look a here, Mr. ----, I wish you'd
try and make the trousers so they will stay down, and not keep a
hitching up to the top of my boots, if you can."
"Depend on it they will please you," sez he, a follering me to the door,
"Good morning, Mr. Slick, I'm very much obliged to you for calling;"
and with that he made another bow, and I give him one back again, and
made tracks for Cherry street, as tickled as could be.
Wal, when Thursday cum, I begun to feel mighty anxious about the party;
I had all the clothes sent down to my office, besides a prime hat, which
I got, and a pair of real dandy boots that sot to my foot like wax.
As soon as it was dark I shut myself up and begun to fix. I declare I
never did see anything fit as them checkered trousers did; they sot to
my legs like the tin moles to a pair of tallow candles in freezing time,
and I felt as if I'd been jest corked up in a junk bottle, foot
foremost. Arter I got them on, and all buttoned up tight, I begun to
think that I should have to go to the party in the blue mixed socks that
marm knit for me, the last thing afore I cum away from hum; for my feet
had got hung in a slip of leather, that was sowed across the bottom of
the trousers' legs, and how to get 'em out, so as to put on my boots, I
couldn't tell. I pulled and kicked till I eenamost bust off my gallows'
buttons but they wouldn't give a morsel, and at last I jest took hold on
the leathers, and I give them an allfired jerk till they slipped over my
heel, and arter that I made out to roll up the trouser's legs till I
could pull my boots on. When I pulled them down again the leathers stuck
out from the heel of my boot behind, as if I had got spurs on; I didn't
exactly like the feel of it, but "Who cares," sez I to myself, "a feller
may as well be out of the world as out of the fashion, especially down
here in York."
As soon as I'd got my trousers purty well braced up I put on the vest,
and it sot like a button, for there wur holes behind and strings that
laced up like a gal's corsets, and I girted up purty tight I can tell
you. I snuggers, them yaller sprigs did glisten, and arter I'd put on
the new stock that I bought along with the clothes, I rather guess I cut
a dash. It was all bowed off and curlacued over, with red and yaller
sprigs, and it made my neck look as slim and shiney as our big red
rooster's used to when he stretched his head out in the sun to see how
many old hens and spring pullets he'd got about him.
I swanny, if I hadn't been in such a hurry to git on my new things that
I forgot to wash my hands and face till jest as I was a putting on my
coat! I peeked in the little looking-glass that I've got hung up in my
office, and my hair was standing out every which way; and somehow my
teeth looked as yaller as if I'd been chawin tobaccy a hull week. What
to du I couldn't tell, but I picked up the Express, and looked into the
advertisements to see if I could find out anything to make my grinders
white--there warn't nothing there; but I happened to think that I'd seen
Doctor Sherman's tooth-paste puffed in some of the papers: and though I
don't mean to patronize anybody that don't advertise in our paper, I
thought, seeing as I was in a hurry, per'aps it would be as well to go
out and get some of it. I slipped on my old coat, and down I went into
Nassau street, eenamost to the corner of Fulton street, and I bought a
little cheny box full of red stuff, about as thick as hasty pudding, and
as sweet as honey, and back I went again to the office like a streak of
lightning.
I didn't know how to use the stuff, but think siz I, they must rub it on
their teeth somehow, so I spread some on the corner of my towel, and
began to polish away like all natur. It warn't two minits afore my teeth
was as white as a nigger's; so I jest washed them off in the hand basin,
and went at my hair, tooth and nail.
How on arth these York chaps make their hair curl so, I can't guess--I
tried to coax mine to twist up a little, on each side of my face, but it
warn't of no use. I combed it out with a fine tooth comb, and I put some
hog's lard scented with some of the essence of peppermint that marm give
me to use if I should git the stomach ache down here, and I twisted it
round my fingers, but it wouldn't stay curled a minit; so at last I gave
it up for a bad job, and put on my new coat as mad as could be.
I ruther guess you couldn't have found a better looking chap of my size
anywhere about, than I was, when I put on my yaller gloves, and fixed my
new red silk hankercher in my coat pocket, so as to let one eend hang
out a leetle, arter I'd put a few of the peppermint drops on it--and the
way I pulled foot up Pearl street and toward Broadway, wasn't slow I can
tell you. It takes a feller forever to fix here in York--I'd ruther
slick up for twenty quiltings and apple-bees, than for one swarry, I can
tell you. I was a'most skared to death, for fear I should be too late,
for it was eenajest dark afore I left the office, so I didn't let the
grass grow under my feet on the way to cousin Beebe's, you may be
sartin.
When I got to cousin Beebe's door, I pulled the silver knob kinder
softly, for I felt a sort of palpitation of the heart at going into a
room chuck full of quality; and I jest pulled up my dickey a little, and
felt to see if my hankercher hung out of my pocket about right, afore
the nigger opened the door. At last he made out to cum, and when I asked
if all the folks was tu hum, he begun to show his chalkies jest as he
did afore, and sez he,
"Yes, but they haint come down yit."
With that I pitched in, and, sez I, "Look a here, Cuffy, none of your
grinning at me, but jest mind your own bisness. I've come to see the
swarry that Mr. Beebe's been a buying to treat his company with; so jest
shut your darned liver lips, and show it to me."
"Oh," sez he, a trying to choke in, "the swarry is going to be in the
drawing room there, walk in."
"What, haint it come yit," sez I, "and where's all the folks?--I thought
he was going to have a party, too."
"Wal, so he is," sez the nigger, "but they haint begun to come yit."
"Wal, now," sez I to myself, "If this don't beat all creation. Now, in
Connecticut it would a been eenamost time to go hum agin; these Yorkers
du beat all for laziness." With that I went into the room. By the living
hokey, I never see anything like it! It was enough to dazzle one's eyes;
the two doors were slid back into the partition, and it seemed like one
great ball-room; and, besides that, there were too great winders at the
further eend, that opened into a place that seemed kinder like a garden.
I didn't know what to make of it, for it was chuck full of posies that
looked as bright and as green as if it was the fourth of July, and yit
it was a freezing like everything out of doors. I went down the room and
stuck my head through the winder, and as true as I live it was a little
room all full of bushes and roses sot up on benches; it had a glass
ruff, and the sides were one allfired great winder, with little vines a
hanging down over it, and a great tree chuck full of something that
looked like oranges, a standing up agin it.
There were five or six cages full of little yaller birds a hanging among
the bushes, and right back of the tree stuck over with oranges, stood a
marble woman a holding up a bunch of grapes cut out of marble, with a
lot of green leaves twisted round it as nateral as could be. It was
awful harnsome, but I swan if it didn't make me feel streaked to look at
her a standing there among the bushes, for she hadn't the least rag of
kivering on, and it raly was enough to make a feller blush to see her a
holding the grapes over her head, as if she wanted to make people look
at her.
Think sez I, is this the swarry that Cousin Beebe has bought to show his
company: I reckon he'd better have bought a calico frock or something of
that sort to kiver over it. I couldn't bear to look at it, and so I jest
turned about and stood still by the winder with my eyes wide open, for
at the t'other eend of the room was another garden with a naked swarry
and bushes in it, as much like the one I'd been a looking in as could
be. I went toward it, but stopped short, and burst out a larfin all by
myself, for it was nothing but the same garden a shining in the great
big looking glass, that I wrote to you about, that hung up right afore
me.
[Illustration: "Think, says I, is this the swarry that Cousin Beebe has
bought to show his company: I reckon he'd better have bought a calico
frock or something of that sort to kiver over it."--_Page 56._]
Arter I'd stole another sly look at the orange tree and the swarry, I
jest stuck my hands in my pockets as well as I could, considering they
were so tight, and stickin out one foot, leaned back again the winder
frame and looked around the room. A hot sweltering sun in dog days could
not have been brighter than everything was. There were two great things
hung by chains from the middle of both rooms, with hundreds and hundreds
of chunks of glass a hanging all over them; and they were stuck full of
candles as white as curd, all a burning and blazing, till they looked
like a heap of ice and snow hung up to melt in a fire. Both the mantle
shelfs were kivered over with them things that I told you about that
looked so much like gold; some on 'em were lamps, and some had great
white candles stuck into them; and there were lots on lots of flowers
set in among them that smelt as sweet as new hay, and such a shining
and glistening I never did see. The best on it all was, that the
whopping looking glasses on both eends the rooms made them seem twice as
long, and as if they had a great many more things in them than they raly
had. There were two round tables made out of some kind of cloudy stun,
about as large as marm's cherry-wood tea-table, a standing at both eends
of the rooms, all kivered over with leetle picters and all sorts of
play-things, besides heaps of books with morocco backs and sprigged off
with gold, all lying among them every which way, as if somebody had been
in a hurry, and had pitched them on the tables without staying to pile
them up.
Besides all that, they had brought in a whole heap more of them
footstools that I told you about, and they had put square kind of back
pillows all tossled off and kivered over with flowers at the eends of
the two settees, besides a good many other things that I haint time to
write about. "Wal," sez I to myself, "if Cousin Beebe don't take the
shine off these New Yorkers in his party I lose my guess; but I wonder
where on arth he contrives to raise money to do it with these hard
times, for all this must have cost him a few, I'm sartin."
Jest as I was thinking this, the cuffy come into the room, and sez I--
"Look a here, snow ball, when is the party a coming, I've seen the
swarry all I want tu, and I'm eenamost tired of standing here and doing
nothing."
"Wal," sez he, "I s'pose they'll be here in an hour or two,--it aint
mor'n eight o'clock yit."
"I rather guess I shan't stay here all alone any longer," sez I, and
with that I buttened up my coat, and jest took a walk into the Apollo
gallery to see the picters, till it was time for the party to cum. I
haint time to say anything about the heap of harnsome picters that I
saw, and besides, I mean to write you all about them some day afore
long, for they are curios I can tell you. I felt so much pleased with
looking at 'em, that it was long after nine afore I thought of it. So I
jest started off agin for Cousin Beebe's. When I went in this time the
rooms were brim full of people, and I was eenamost scared to death. I
unbuttoned my coat and pulled up my dicky a leetle, besides giving my
hair a brush--and then I went in with my head straight up, and my new
fur hat in my hand; jest as I used to go in the singers' seat, there in
Weathersfield. Think sez I, I'll jest let 'em know that I haint been to
dancing school for nothing. So I held my hat a leetle afore me by the
rim, and I made a genteel bow, first to one side and then to t'other.
Arter that, I went and sot down on one of the settees, and I looked
round for cousin Mary, for I felt kinder awk'ard; and I hadn't the least
idee that she wouldn't have come up, as she used to in Weathersfield,
and put out her hand and ask me if she should take my hat. But there I
sot with it between my hands, a fingering it over as if it had been a
hot potater, and she never cum near me. I felt dreadfully, for there was
a lot of harnsome gals a staring at me, and a puckering up their purty
leetle mouths, as if they would a gin the world to larf right out. Arter
a minit cousin John cum up to me, and sez he,
"Cousin Slick, I'm glad you've cum, step in the next room and take a
glass of wine with me. Mrs. Beebe is so crowded you won't get near her
jest yit."
I got up, and we went into the entry way together, and then says cousin
Beebe to the nigger, "Here, Ben, take Mr. Slick's hat."
The nigger took my hat and carried it off up stairs, and, arter a few
minits, cousin John went back into the room where the company was,
without saying another word about the wine.
"You had better go up and speak to Mary, now," sez he, kinder low;
"there she stands by Count ----." I didn't hear the name, but it was some
darned crabbed word, that was enough to choke a feller.
I hadn't looked round much when I cum in before, for somehow my head
didn't feel steddy; but arter cousin John cum and spoke to me, I didn't
seem to mind it, so I jest looked round as bold as could be. I declare I
never did see any body dressed out as cousin Mary was. She had on a
frock of shining satin, with harnsome pink sprigs all over it, and there
was a great wide ruffle round the bottom, made out of something that
looked as white and thin as a gal's veil the day arter she's married;
and that was hitched up on one side half way to her waist, with a pink
rose, made out of ribbon with long eends, that fell down eenamost to the
floor. A heap of some kind of shiney thin stuff was ruffled round her
bosom, and hung down round her arms, for her frock sleeves were short,
and made like a little gal's; and she had on a pair of white gloves,
with ribbon tops to 'em. One on 'em was fastened round her wrist with a
wide piece of gold, and three or four bands set full of shiny stuns wos
on t'other arm, which was plaguey white, or else I suppose she would not
have let folks see it.
Mary al'ers had a tarnal purty little foot, but I never see it look so
small as it did in that glistening white shoe of hern, and to own the
rale downright truth, she didn't seem to be much ashamed to show it, but
kept it stuck out from under her ruffler, as if she'd made up her mind
to be ready to make a curchy any minit. There was one thing that kinder
puzzled me a good deal; Mary's skin never was over white, but somehow it
looked like wax work, that night, and you never see a meadow pink look
brighter than her cheeks did; but instead of coming into her face and
going away again, as every man loves to see the color in a gal's face
when she's a talking, and knows that he's a looking at her, Mary's
always kept jest so; it didn't seem as if an earthquake would make her
turn pale. The hair hung in long curls down her cheeks and on her
shoulders, jest as it did the other day, and she had a great white rose
stuck in among the curls, on one side of her head, that looked as if it
hadn't but jest been picked off the bushes.
I looked at her putty earnestly, I can tell you, and I do think she
would have been a critter that John might be proud of, if it warn't for
that stuck up way which she's got since she cum down here to York. She
don't du nothing on arth nateral, and as she did when she was a gal in
Connecticut. Instead of standing up straight, and speaking to her
company as if she was glad to see them, she stood with one foot stuck
out and her hands jest crossed afore her, and kinder stooping for-ard,
as if she couldn't but jest stand alone; I never see a critter's back
stuck up as her's was, I raly thought she was a getting the rickets, and
I felt so anxious about it that I turned to cousin Beebe, afore I went
up to speak to her, and sez I, a sort of low--
"Cousin John, how did your wife hurt her back so? I declare it makes me
feel awfully to see what a great hump she's got a growing since she cum
away from Connecticut!"
With that cousin John looked at her and larfed a little, but I could see
he didn't feel jest right, and arter a minit he said, sez he,
"Hush, cousin, you must not speak so loud; it's true Mary has put on
rather _too_ much bustle, but it's the fashion, you see." I looked
round, and as true as you live there warn't a gal in the room that
hadn't her back a sticking out jest the same way. Such a set of
humpbacked critters I never did put my eyes on, and yit they all stood
about a smiling and a talking to the fellers as if nothing ailed them,
poor things! I never see a set of folks dressed out so much, and so
awfully stuck up as they were. Some of the gals had feathers in their
hair, and some had flowers or gold chains twisted among their curls, and
I didn't see one there that wasn't dressed up in her silks and satins as
crank as could be. As for the men, I thought I should have haw hawed
right out a larfin to see some of 'em; there was one chap talking to
Miss Beebe with his hair parted from the top of his head down each side
of his face, and it hung down behind all over his coat collar like a
young gal's just before she begins to wear a comb; and there was two
bunches of hair stuck out on his upper lip right under his nose, like a
cat's whiskers when she begins to get her back up. Every time he spoke
the hair kinder riz up and moved about till it was enough to make a
feller crawl all over to look at him. Think sez I, if it wouldn't be fun
to see that varmint try to eat. If he didn't get his victuals tangled up
in that bunch of hair, he must know how to aim allfired straight with
his knife and fork.
When I cum to look round there were more than a dozen chaps, rale
dandy-looking fellers, with their lips bristled out in the same way.
Think sez I, there are some men that would be hogs if they only had
bristles, as we say in Connecticut, but these chaps needn't keep out of
the gutters for want of them, they are ready for sarvice any time.
There were two or three ruther good-looking chaps, that didn't let the
hair grow on their upper lips, but it come up in a pint like a letter A
from the tip of the chins eenamost to their mouths. These fellers had
great hairy whiskers that made them look as if they had run all to head
like a seed onion. I swanny, I never did see such a set of infarnal
looking coots in all my life--a tribe of ribbed nosed babboons would
have looked ten times as much like men; and yet they did't seem the
least bit ashamed of themselves, but strutted round among the gals as
large as life, showing off with their white gloves on and white cambric
handkerchers, that I s'pose they borrowed from their sisters, stuck into
their pockets.
I wouldn't go up and speak tu Miss Beebe till that ninnihammer with the
brustles went away from her, for I was afeard that I couldn't hold in,
but should haw haw right out in his face, if I got tu looking at him too
stiddy. I raly didn't know which looked the worst, men running about
among decent people with dirty brustles under their noses, or women a
trying tu make themselves look humpbacked so as tu be in the fashion.
At last the chap with the brustles went off with a young gal into the
room where the bushes were, to look at the swarry, I s'pose, and so then
I went up tu Miss Beebe and I made a bow, and sez I--
"It's a pleasant evening, Miss Beebe."
"Yes," sez she, "it is very pleasant."
I didn't seem tu stand easy, so I put t'other foot for'ard, and wiped my
nose a little with my red hankercher.
"Any news a stirring?" sez I.
"Nothing particular that I know on," sez she.
I changed feet agin.
"I ruther thought it was a going tu rain, but I guess it won't now," sez
I.
"No, I ruther think not," sez she.
We stood stock still a minit, and then I put my hankercher in my coat
pocket agin, and, sez I--
"I swanny, Miss Beebe, you've got a grist of harnsome gals here
to-night. I'll be darned if I aint eenamost in love with some one on
'em."
"I'm sure you ought to be," says she, a puckering up her mouth, "you
don't know how much they have been a talking about you. I declare you've
got to be quite a lion since you took to writing, cousin Slick."
"A what?" sez I.
"A literary lion," sez she, with one of her old Weathersfield smiles.
"Wal," sez I, "that's a queer name, but I don't care what they call me,
if they don't call me late tu dinner."
Jest that minit a tall harnsome young feller cum up to us, and Miss
Beebe turned tu him and spoke softly, with her eyes half shet, jest as
if she was a dying off, and she asked him if he wouldn't sing.
With that he puckered up his mouth and said he couldn't, cause he'd got
such a bad cold; but anybody that had his eye teeth cut might have seen
that he only wanted her tu coax him. A lot of young gals crowded round
and begun tu put the soft sodder over him.
"Oh du--now pray du," sez one, and the rest on 'em took it up till the
poor feller, he didn't know which eend his head was on. So he sot down
and flung back his head with his eyes half shet, and he began tu sing. I
swanny, it eenamost made the tears cum into my eyes tu hear him, it was
rale ginuine music; but the very minit he begun, the young gals that had
been a teasing him so tu sing, went on a talking and a larfin, as if he
hadn't done what they wanted. I raly felt sorry for the feller; yit he
didn't seem tu mind it, but sung away as if everybody was a listening.
Jest then, cousin Beebe called out my name from t'other side the room. I
wish you could a seen how they all stared; it warn't more than ten
minits arter that, afore eenamost every one in there was at cousin Beebe
tu be introduced tu me--the fellers with the brustles and all. The
purtyest gals in the room kept a flocking round me as if they'd never
seen a man that wrote for the newspapers afore. Talk about soft
sodder--there's nobody on arth can put it into a chap so smooth as a
harnsome gal. Somehow they melt it with their smiles, till it sinks
through his heart afore he knows it. I was talking with a rale peeler of
a gal, with two of the brightest black eyes that I ever see, when
somebody struck up a tune on the pianner-forty, and two or three couple
got onto the floor as if they wanted tu dance.
"Do you dance quadrills, Mr. Slick?" sez the black eyed gal, as if she
wanted me tu ask her to dance.
"Wal, I don't know," sez I, "I never tried them kind of things; but I
ruther guess I can, if you'll show me how."
With that, I took the tip eend of her white glove between the fingers of
my yaller one, and went with her into the middle of the room. I didn't
know what they were a going tu dance, but I warn't much afeard,
anyhow--for there warn't a chap in all Weathersfield could beat me at a
double shuffle, or could cut so neat a pigeon-wing without music, as I
could.
Wal, the music begun, and one of the fellers that had the hair on his
lip, begun tu slide about with his eyes half shet and his hands a
hanging down, and looking as doleful as if he'd jest come away from a
funeral. Did you ever see a duck swim a mill-dam, or a hen turning up
its eyes when it's a drinking? If you have you can git some idea how the
lazy coot danced. I thought I should go off the handle tu see him, but
the gals all stuck out their little feet, and poked about jest in the
same way. Think sez I, when it comes my turn, I'll give you a little
specimen of ginuine dancing. I only wish I thought tu put a little loose
change in my pocket tu jingle, if it was only jest tu show how well I
keep step.
A young lady, with her hair twisted all up with little white flowers,
balanced up tu me, jest as you've seen a bird walk, and then it come my
turn. I took two steps for'ard and then I cut a peeler of a pigeon-wing,
and ended off with a little touch of the double shuffle, but my trousers
was so plaguy tight that I couldn't make my legs rale limber all I could
du, besides, the music warn't much more like a dancing tune than
Greenbank or Old Hundred. At last I went up tu the gal that was playing,
and sez I--
"Look a here--jest give us something lively--Yankee Doodle, or Money
Muss, or the Irish Washerwoman, or Paddy Carey. I aint a going tu twist
and pucker round in this way."
With that the young fellers with the hair lips begun tu push their
cambric hankerchers into their mouths, and the young gals puckered up
their mouths as if I'd done something tu poke fun at. But instid of
sneaking off and letting the stuck up varmints think they'd scared me so
I darsn't dance, I felt my dander a getting up, and sez I tu myself, "I
guess I'll let 'em see that I warn't brought up in the woods to be
scared at owls, any how;" so I jest turned tu the black eyed gal that
was my partner, and sez I,
"Cum now, Miss, let us show 'em how it's done," and with that I begun tu
put it down right and left like a streak of lightning. It warn't more
than two minits afore I heard the gals a talking tu each other, and a
saying,
"How odd--how strange--quite the eccentricity of genius--these literary
lions never do anything as other people do!--I don't wonder Miss Beebe's
proud of him."
The young fellers joined in and stopped larfin as quick as could be, the
minit they begun to see how the wind was a blowing up in my quarter, and
when I finished off and led the black eyed gal tu one of the footstools,
there was no eend tu the soft sodder they all put on tu me. Sez I tu
myself, nothing like keeping a stiff upper lip with these stuck up
fashionables, for arter all they aint more than half sartin what's
genteel and what aint.
Jest then the music begun agin, and one of them tall hairy lipped
fellers got up with a purty little gal, that didn't look more than
eighteen years old, and he put his white gloves on a little tighter, and
then I'll be darned if he didn't begin to hug her right there afore all
on us. He put one arm round her little waist jest above the hump on her
back, and he took one of her hands in his'n, and then she looked up into
his eyes and he looked down into hers as loving as two pussy cats, and
then they begun to make cheeses on the carpet till you couldn't have
told which was which.
I never felt my blood bile so in all my life; it raly didn't seem
decent, and if she had been a relation of mine, I'll be darned to
darnation if I wouldn't have knocked that pesky varmint into a cocked
hat in less than no time. I'd a made him glad to eat himself up hair and
all, greasy as it must a tasted, tu have got out of my way. Oh! but I
was wrathy with the coot for a minit; and then says I to myself, "I
don't know as the chap's so much to blame, arter all, it's the gal's
own fault; if she likes to be hugged and whirled round so afore the
folks, the feller must be an allfired fool not to like it as much she
does; but, thinks I, if the gal means to git married, her bread will be
all dough agin, arter this, for no decent honest man would want to marry
a gal arter he'd seen her tousled about afore fifty people, by such a
shote as that chap is."
As soon as the two critters sot down, the fellers and the gals all
locked arms and begun to stream out of the room. I thought I might as
well see where they were a going, so I jest crooked my arm, and the
black eyed gal put hers through it, and out we went into the entry way
tu a room further back, where all the company was standing about round a
table sot out with everything good on arth that a feller ever thought of
eating.
I thought the table, when I eat dinner at cousin John's, took the shine
off from everything that I'd ever seen afore in my life, but it warn't a
circumstance to this. There was no eend to the silver dishes and baskets
all sot out with flowers, and a running over with bunches of white
grapes and oranges, and everything else good that ever grew on arth! and
there were more than half a dozen little steeples, all made out of red
and white sugar candy, hung over with flowers and curlecued about with
little sugar images, and sich lots of cake, and presarves, and jelly,
and things that I'd never seen afore in my life. Everything glittered
and shone so it fairly took away my appetite. There was another little
table kivered over with decanters and with a lot of them cider bottles
that I've told you about, standing on it; but I kept purty clear of
that, I can tell you. Cousin Beebe cum to me with one of 'em in his
hand, and sez he, sort of larfin,
"Come, cousin Slick, take a glass."
Says I, "No, if you'd jest as lives, I'd a little ruther not, your York
cider don't agree with me."
"Oh," sez he, "it's only sham pain, try a little."
"I'm jest as much obliged to you, but I'd a little ruther not, it warn't
sham pain that I had in my head the day arter I drunk it before, I can
tell you."
With that cousin Beebe larfed, and sez he, "you must be gallant, and
help Miss Miles, she hasn't got no refreshments yit." I looked toward
the black eyed gal, and sure enough, there she stood as mute as could
be, looking on, while all the rest was a eating. I went up to her again,
and I made her a bow, and sez I,
"Miss Miles, what will you take? arter you is manners for me, and I
begin to feel a little as if I should like a bite."
I could see that tarnal purty mouth of hern begin to tremble, as if it
wanted to say something funny, but she looked in my face, and sez she,
"I'll take a little blue monge if you please."
I didn't know what she could mean, but there was some stuff in some
little blue glasses, that looked as much like soap suds as anything
else, and I took one of 'em out of the silver thing that it stood in,
and I jest stirred it up a little with the spoon, afore I give it to
her. I dont know what on arth become of the blue monge, but I hadn't
more than touched it when off it went, and left the glass eenajest
empty. Miss Miles larfed a little, and says she,
"Thank you, the syllabub will do jest as well. A few grapes, and a
trifle of that jelly, if you please."
"But," sez I, holding the glass, and a lookin down on the carpet and
over my new trousers, "where on arth can that monge have gone tu! I hope
there aint none of it got on tu your silk frock, Miss Miles."
"Oh, no," sez she, "don't mind it, the grapes will do jest as well."
I took up a plate and gave her a great whopping bunch from off one of
the dishes, and then I made another bow, and, sez I--
"Anything else, Miss Miles? I'd do anything on arth to oblige you."
She twisted up that plump little mouth of hern in one of the handsomest
smiles I ever see, and, sez she, "I'll take that rose bud that dropped
from the grape basket when you took these out."
I swan, but she looked plaguy harnsome, I couldn't but jest keep from
staring right in her face all the time. I felt my heart a floundering
about, like a pullet with its neck twisted, when she said this, and I
took up the rose bud between the fingers of my yaller gloves, and I
stepped back and made as genteel a bow as I could, considering I hadn't
room to square my elbows, and, sez I--
"I hope you'll keep that ere to remember me by."
She gave me another of them tarnation bright smiles, and she stuck the
rose in her bosom, and sez she, kinder larfin a little--
"What shall I give you, Mr. Slick? This myrtle sprig? it'll keep green
longer than your rose."
"No thank you," sez I, a looking at her as killing as could be, "I'll
take it; but I don't want anything to make me remember you."
I kinder expected that she'd have blushed a little when I said that; but
somehow these city gals don't color up very easy. She smiled again, and
sez she--
"Well, Mr. Slick, you must call and see how well your rose keeps with
me. Mrs. Beebe, will come with you any time."
Sez I, "but I aint sartin as you'll be glad to see me, you must have a
great many beaus, and I may be in the way."
She was a going to answer me, but jest then that tarnal varmint with the
hair come up with a plate in his hand, and sez he--"Let me help you tu a
jelly, Miss Miles."
I could have knocked the critter into the middle of next week, I was so
tarnal mad; but there he stood a bowing and a smiling through his hair
lip like an etarnal monkey that had got the stomach ache, and I couldn't
get a word in edge ways. I couldn't eat a morsel, but I took up one of
the cider bottles without a thinking what I was a doing, and I drunk two
glasses right off, and arter that I felt a little better; but I'll be
darned if it didn't make me grit my teeth tu see that stuck-up coot work
his arm as if he warnted to go into t'other room with Miss Miles. She
looked round as if to see where I was, and then I went right straight
up, and, sez I tu him--
"Arter _me_ is manners for _you_."
With that I took her little hand in my yaller glove, and I put it into
my arm as genteel as could be, and walked straight into t'other room
with her. She sot down on one of the settees, and I jest pulled one of
the footstools close up to her, and there we both sot as sociable as
could be till the folks all come back agin. Arter that I had to git up
and give a pale-looking gal my seat; but I kept a standing up by the
eend of the settee, till Cousin Beebe come up tu me, and, sez he--
"Cousin Slick, jest step this way a minit."
He went right between the silk winder curtins into the place where the
bushes, and the birds, and the swarry was, and sez he--
"Cousin Jonathan, did you know that the straps to your pantaloons have
slipped out from under you boots?"
"You don't say so," sez I, a looking down at hisen, tu see how he fixed
them, for I didn't want him to think that I'd left 'em so on purpose;
but I felt awful streaked when I see his was buttoned under the sole of
his dancing pumps.
"Here, jest lift up your foot," sez he.
I histed my foot up, and he jirked the strops down quick enough; but I
swan if I didn't feel as if he'd corded me up tu see how long I'd keep.
I didn't wonder the chaps sidled and wriggled about so when they tried
tu dance, a feller couldn't take a regular strong step tu save his life,
girt up in a pair of these new-fashioned trousers.
"Look a here, cousin Beebe," sez I, jest as he was a going out, and I
pinted tu the naked marble woman a standing among the bushes, with the
light a coming in from t'other room onto her, till she looked like a
harnsome ghost a walking among the bushes by moonlight; "if you'll take
a fool's advice you'll buy a frock and petticoat for that purty swarry
of yourn, afore you have another party. How should you feel if some of
them young gals was tu cum in here?"
John bust out a larfin, and I raly thought the critter would never stop.
"Now what are you a haw-hawing about?" sez I, sort a wrathy, "because I
cum here with my trousers slipped up a leetle. I don't s'pose anybody
but you see them."
"Oh never think about it," sez he, a biting in, but the tears kept a
running down his cheeks, for all that. "If they did see it, they'll set
it down for the eccentricity of genius, as the young ladies say. You
literary chaps can do a'most anything now-a-days."
"I begin to think we can," sez I, for jest that minit I remembered all
that tarnal sweet critter, Miss Miles, had been a saying to me, and I
looked down tu see if the sprig of myrtle was in my button-hole yit.
When we went into the room, there warn't scarce any of the party left. I
stood by one of the doors till I saw Miss Miles cum down with her purty
face half buried up in a great silk hood--so I jest went with her to the
door, and there stood a carriage with a nigger a standing by the
door--so I jest took hold of her hand and helped her to git in; and
arter that I felt so lonesome, I bid cousin Mary good night and made
tracks for my office. I ruther think I won't tell what I dreamed
about--you old steady folks do love to larf at a young chap so--and as I
ruther think I shall cum hum tu thanksgiving, I don't mean to let you
all poke too much fun at me.
Your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER VII.
Scenes in Broadway--Jonathan's Interview with the Count and Flirtations
with Miss Miles.
DEAR PAR:
I am eenamost sartin that you was disappinted because I didn't come hum
to thanksgiving, but somehow I couldn't raise pluck enough to start, all
I could du. I raly don't know what seemed to be the matter with me; but
arter Miss Beebe's party, I begun to git as peaked and wamblecropped as
could be. I swanny, if it didn't set me all in a fluster the next
morning, when I got up and found the sprig of myrtle that Miss Miles
give me a lying on the floor jest where it had dropped from the button
hole of my new coat.
I didn't hardly give myself time to put on my clothes, afore I went out
to a crockeryware stand and bought a tumbler to put it in; and then I
set it on my desk, and tried to write a little, for I didn't feel jest
like eating any breakfast. But it warn't of no use trying--all I could
du, every idee in my head got fixed on the myrtle, and Miss Miles, and
the party. I didn't write two words together, but scrabbled all over the
paper, and figgered out little heads, and meeting-houses, and hay-stacks
on it, as nat'ral as could be; but if I'd been hung and choked to
death, I couldn't a wrote two rale ginuine lines. I felt sort of odd all
over, and I hadn't the least notion what could ail me; it warn't a very
tedious feeling, though, but it seemed as if I was a dreaming yit, and
all about that tarnation little Miss Miles. I kept a seeing them bright
black eyes and them long curls of hern all the time, as plain as day.
I'll be choked if I didn't git afeared that I was a beginning to have a
kind of a sneakin notion arter her, and sez I to myself, "Mr. Jonathan
Slick, this won't do no how. Arter what you've seen of woman natur in
that Judy White, you must be a darned crazy shote to poke your fingers
in that fire agin." But a feller may as well drink tu much lickor and
ask it not to make him stagger, as to git his head chock full of the
gals and then try to talk common sense to hisself. It is like giving
advice to a rat when his leg is in the trap.
The long and short of it was, I couldn't set still, and I couldn't think
of anything on arth but that gal, so I jumped up all tu once and sez I
to myself--"Wal, one way or t'other, by hook or by crook, I'll see her
agin--I will, by hokey! it's of no use to git down in the mouth about
it, she can't do more than give me the mittin, any how, and it will be
the first gal I ever got it from, if she does, I can tell her that."
I was so anxious that it seemed forever afore I got on my dandy coat and
trousers agin. My hankercher smelt purty strong yit of the essence of
peppermint, so I fixed it right in my pocket, put on my yaller gloves,
and stuck the sprig of myrtle in my bosom afore I gin the last peak into
the leetle looking-glass that hangs in a corner of my office. I don't
think there could be much said agin my looks, as I went down Cherry
street with my head flung back, sort of independent, and the tip eend of
my yaller gloves stuck in my pocket. Consarn that Broadway tailor! he
made the trousers so tight that I couldn't get a hull hand in no more
than I could fly.
Miss Miles lives clear up to the further eend of Broadway, so I took a
short cut across the Park, and went along by the Astor House. A lot of
dandyfied looking chaps stood on the steps a staring at the harnsome
gals as they went by, all furbelowed and finefied out like a stream of
garden flowers all in full blow.
They may talk about England and France and Garmany, as well as all the
other big places that a feller can pint out on the map; but, for my
part, I don't believe there is a place on the arth where the wimmen
dress so allfired costly as they du here in York. It raly is enough to
make a feller grit his teeth to see the harnsome critters sideling and
curchying along the stun walks, wrapped up in silks and satins and
velvets, and all sorts of feathers, as long as them that Captain Jones
wore in his training cap, as if it only wanted a fiddler to set them all
a dancing, when their husbands are out a shinning and working themselves
to death to keep their notes from being sued by the lawyers. It don't
seem right, but yit they do look tarnal killing in their furbelows--it's
of no use denying that.
But one thing did raise my dander a leetle as I went along, that's a
fact. Any body that had half an eye could see that all the young gals
were possessed after them foreign chaps with the brustles and whiskers.
Every once in a while one of the indecent varmints would come along with
his head twisted round under some purty woman's bonnet, talking as soft
and as mealy-mouthed as could be, like an old grey cat mewing round a
bird cage, and the gals seemed all in a twitter, they were so tickled,
and screwed up their mouths, and smiled to show their teeth, and looked
as proud as peacocks of the etarnal impudent critters. I'll be darned if
I don't believe every one of them chaps are barbers or chair-makers when
they are to hum, and hearing what a chance the York gals give every kind
of animals that come from foreign parts, and how they begin to turn up
their noses at a rale true born American, whenever they can git a chance
to make fools of themselves with them hairy lipp'd fellers, they've come
over here to York to court the gals and git up a new crop of hair to
begin bisness with when they git hum agin. Think sez I, it wouldn't be a
bad joke sometime about six months arter this, if some of them same gals
that don't think nothing of chasing arter them fellers, should buy his
whiskers and all the rest on 'em that they fall in love with, stuffed
into a footstool, sich as I saw at Miss Beebe's. Stranger things than
that has happened afore now, I reckon.
It raly made me feel bad to see tall, harnsome-looking fellers, ginuine
Americans, with revolutionary blood in their hearts, a standing on the
tavern steps, and a walking all alone up and down the streets as
molancholy as mice in an empty mill, while their own wimmen folks, that
ought to feel ashamed of themselves, were a talking and smiling and
giggling with that pack of varmints. It made my blood bile to see it, I
can tell you.
You wont think it exactly like a Christian to run on as I du about them
fellers, I'm afeard; but the truth of it is, I _do_ hate 'em like pison.
If I owned a caravan of living animals, darn me, if I wouldn't catch
some on 'em for specimens, and cage 'em up for a show. They wouldn't be
a strutting up Broadway and a showing themselves for nothing much
longer, I can tell them that! They talk about Yankee speculations; I
reckon this would be a prime one--wouldn't it? If a feller could only
get a good trap made, there wouldn't be no difficulty but we could find
purty gals--them that live in fine houses and hold up their heads as if
they were queens too--that would be willing enough to let you use them
for bate.
You wont be surprised that I am wrothy about them chaps when I tell you
how I was struck up jest arter I went by the Astor House. I was thinking
about one thing or another, when all to once I lifted my head and there
was Miss Miles a coming toward me a looking as fresh and harnsome as a
full blown butter cup, and close to her side, that Count with the
crabbed name that I saw at Miss Beebe's was a twistifying himself along,
with his head bent sideways till the great long white feather that she
wore in her bonnet all but swept across his eyes. I eenamost felt as if
I should holler out, and I raly believe I should have boo hooed right in
the street if I hadn't been so allfired wrathy at the sight of him. Oh!
but my Yankee grit did rise--I dug my hands down in my trousers' pocket
and walked right straight up to them a grinning like a hyena, for I was
detarmined to let them see that I didn't care a copper how much they
walked together. They were so busy twisting their heads about and a
looking soft sodder at each other that they didn't see me till I stood
right afore them as stiff as an iron crowbar, with my head up straight,
and one foot stuck out for'ard, as an independent and true born Yankee
ought to do when he sees himself imposed on.
There was no mistake in Miss Miles this time any how. She gave a little
scream and blushed as red as a turkey's comb, and then she looked about
sort of skeery as if she was afeard somebody would see how slick I'd
caught her. I was mad as all natur, but as true as you live I couldn't
but jest keep from haw hawing right out to see how that hair lipp'd
Count acted when he saw me a standing up afore him. He kinder stepped
back and stuck out one foot a little sideways, jest as if he was a going
to make a bow, and he twisted his little stuck up waist round till his
head poked out like a mud turtle when he wants to see if anybody is
near. Then he took a thing out of his vest pocket hitched to a gold
chain that he wore round his neck, and held it up to one eye, and there
he stood a staring at me and twisting his face and a brustling up his
hair lip, like an etarnal monkey. I didn't seem to mind him, but looked
right straight at Miss Miles, and sez I--
"How do you du, Miss Miles?"
She didn't seem to know how to take me at first, so she looked at the
feller and then at me, and, arter a while, sez she--
"Oh! Mr Slick, is it you?"
"Wal, I ruther guess it is," sez I, "but I s'pose my room's as good as
my company, I don't want tu keep you from talking tu your beau there."
"Oh! Mr. Slick," sez she, a twisting up her mouth and a looking in my
face, jest as she did the night afore, "how odd you men of genius are!
The Count, I'm sure, will be happy to meet you, won't you, Count?"
She called the coot by his hull name, but how she could twist that
little mouth of hern so as to git the word out, I can't tell. Arter that
she turned her head a little, and said something sort of low to him. She
smiled so harnsome, and her voice was so soft and coaxing, that I had
eenamost forgot the chap, but her talking to him made me rile up
agin--and jest as he was letting that half of a pair of spectacles down
from his eye, and was a beginning to put his face ship shape agin, I
walked right straight up to him, and sez I--
"Look a here you chap, I ruther guess you mean to know who I am the next
time you see me."
"Sare?" sez he, a standing up straight and opening his great black eyes
till they seemed chuck full of fire and brimstone.
"Wal, what on it?" sez I.
"You are impertinent," sez he.
"Wal, now I reckon that aint what I was baptized. I'll tell you what,
Mr. Hair-lip, I haint a going to let you nor any body else call me
names," sez I, a taking both hands out of my trousers pockets, and a
pulling up my yaller gloves, as spiteful as could be, jest to show him
that my mawlers were fit for use.
The feller's lips began to grow white, but he twisted them up as if he
wanted to make me think he didn't care for what I said.
"Sare," sez he, "do you know whom you are speaking to?"
"Wal," sez I, larfin in his face a leetle, "I ruther guess I du, though
I haint just made up my mind what kind of horned cattle you call
yourself yit: they give all sich stranger-critters a name, and I s'pose
you'll git one by-am-by, as well as the rest on 'em."
With that he turned as white as a tub of curd, and sez he--
"This is too much, sare; remember you are speaking to a Count." Here he
out with a name as long and crooked as a sassafras root.
"You don't say so!" sez I.
"I'm a nobleman!" sez he, and he was a going on to give me another
string of foreign jaw-breakers; but I jest sot down my foot, and sez I,
"Look a here, you feller--I don't care the value of a butnut-shell how
many names you've got; we don't own no Counts in this ere free land of
liberty, but them that can count down the most hard chink, and they have
to work tarnation hard afore they git the title, I can tell you. As for
your noblemen, we have raised a new-fashioned sort of 'em in this land
of liberty. In the Revolutionary War a hull grist on 'em sot their
titles down on our glorious Declaration of Independence, and there
they'll stay, as bright as the stars, to all etarnity, and a day longer.
We don't ask our noblemen who their fathers were, or how they got a
living. _Great deeds_ and--what's the same thing--_good deeds_ make
noblemen here. Every man has to work out his own title and when he dies,
instid of leaving it to some booby of a son, he writes his date out in
the history of his country, and takes it back to him who gave the power
to arn it. As for any other noblemen--though I believe arter all that
the true ginuine lords and counts that come out here are as scarce as
hen's teeth--" (here the count didn't seem to stand easy,) "we _true_
Americans, rale full-blooded Yankees, don't care any more for their
titles than we do for the stuns under our feet. It's only your
half-blooded Americans that have been baked over in Europe, and our
silly finefied gals that chase after you. An honest straight for'ard
Yankee gal would take you for jest what you are worth as _men_, and when
they du that, I rather guess we can pull an even yoke with any of you
that come from t'other side the water."
Here I gave Miss Miles a squint that made her wilt like a broken rose in
the hot sun! "Mr. Slick," sez she, eenamost crying, "I beg, I entreat,
let us walk on. See how the people are remarking us."
"Wal," sez I, sort of mollified, "I aint doing nothing to be ashamed on,
am I?"
"Oh, no," sez she, "I didn't mean to say that."
"Wal, there aint nothing on arth that I wont du to oblige a harnsome
critter like you," sez I, a going round to the other side on her. She
gave me another of her prime smiles, and that seemed to pacify me. So we
all three walked along together till we got agin the Astor House once
more. The Count looked as sour as a vinegar barrel--I suppose, because I
was detarmined to hang on, but I kept a stiff upper lip, and marched
down the stun walk as straight as a bean pole stuck up on eend. Miss
Miles begun to smile agin, and she talked to him as sweet as could be,
but I couldn't make out a word she said, for she didn't speak rale
American, but every now and then, jest as I was beginning to get rily
about it, she would turn her face to me, and pucker up her mouth so
coaxing, that somehow I couldn't git right down wrathy if I tried ever
so much.
When the Count saw that I wasn't to be scared away, he jest give me a
good long stare right in the eyes, and then bending a little for'ard to
Miss Miles, he lifted his hat about an inch from his head and went into
the Astor House. I don't know what on arth could be the matter, but the
minit he left us I begun to feel as sheepish as could be. I didn't know
what in nature to talk about--so I jest took my red silk handkercher and
gave it a flirt out of my pocket, and then put it back agin.
"Do you like the smell of essence of peppermint, Miss Miles?" sez I.
"I'm very fond of perfume," sez she.
"I hope you didn't like the stuff that are Count had on his
handkercher," sez I. "I swanny, it eenamost made me sick; he smelt more
like a musk-rat than anything else."
"You can't expect every body to have _your_ taste in selecting perfumes
for his toilet, Mr. Slick," sez she, a puckering up her mouth till it
looked like a red clover top full of honey.
"I swow, Miss Miles, you look as harnsome as a full blown rose this
morning," sez I; "it aint a mite of wonder that I couldn't sleep a bit
last night."
With that I jest took a good squint at her as we went along, for I
couldn't think what to say next. I don't believe the things she had on
cost one cent less than fifty dollars, enough to rig out all the gals in
Weathersfield with boughten finery; her cloak was the queerest thing I
ever did see; it only reached jest down to her knees, and was made out
of rale silk velvet. I know it was silk, for I jest slipped off my
yaller glove, and felt on it to be sartin, as we walked along. It was
kinder purply, like the damsons that grow in our corn lot, and was
loaded down with some kind of long fur. Under that she wore another
dress of black silk velvet, that shone in the sun like a crow's back.
The cloak had great open sleeves, edged with fur, a hanging round her
arms; and I could see the corner of a hankercher a sticking out from the
eend of her little black muff jest enough to show how harnsomely it was
figger'd off; a bunch of red flowers was stuck agin each side of her
face under her bonnet, and her eyes looked bright, and her cheeks rosy
enough to make a feller catch his breath. The more I looked at her, the
more uneasy I got about that Count. I wanted to say something to her
about him dreadfully, but some how I didn't know what to say first. I
took out my hankercher agin, and then I wiped my nose and put it back;
then I begun to examine the fingers of my yaller gloves, to see how they
stood the weather. Finally, I lost step, and it took me three minits to
get the right hitch agin; at last I bust right out, and, sez I--
"Now, Miss Miles, between you and I and the post, jest tell me do you
raly care anything about that are Count?"
She turned her roguish black eyes to my face, and, sez she, "Why, Mr.
Slick, how can you ask sich a question?"
"Now that's Yankee all over," sez I, "you aint told me yet: only asked
me another question to match mine."
"What do you want to know for?" sez she, sort of softly.
"Oh, not much of anything; I should kinder like to know, that's all,"
sez I. With that, think sez I, I'll try and make her jealous a leetle,
and sez I,--
"Do you know, Miss Miles, that they've been a printing my picter clear
off in Michigan and down in Cincinnati? I guess I shall go out there one
of these days and see how I like the folks out West, I begin to git
eenamost tired of York." I warn't wrong; that brought her to her senses
purty quick.
"You don't really intend to leave the city," sez she, a looking at me as
arnest as could be.
"Wal, I don't know," sez I, "them Western editors want me to come
dreadfully. One on 'em sent me word that they had a grist of harnsome
gals in his State."
"Is the picter out West so very well painted?" sez she.
"Wal," sez I, "it's a purty good likeness, considering it was took in my
old clothes," (and with that I took out the paper and I showed it to
her). "I ruther think it will be best for me to go on there," sez I, a
putting up the picter; "that are Count will think I want to cut him out,
I'm afeard."
I looked straight at her as I said this, but she begun to smooth down
the fur on her muff with her little hand, and when she did speak I had
to bend my head down to hear what she was a saying.
Afore I could make out what she meant to say, a couple of harnsome young
gals cum along and they stopped as if they were tickled to death to see
her; I thought there warn't much chance for me to git another word in
edgeways; so I cut for the office and left them a talking as they went
along.
Think sez I, as I was a going along through the Park, arter all, human
natur is purty much the same in all places. I don't see as there's much
difference between our gals there in Weathersfield, that wear calico
frocks and straw bonnets, and these York tippies that go out all
furbelowed off in their silks and satins. They are six of one and half a
dozen of t'other the world over. If it hadn't been for that are Count I
should not have been much at a loss to know how to take Miss Miles. When
a gal begins to talk down her throat, and fingers her muff as she did,
it's a purty sure symptom that there'll be a change of weather in her
heart afore long, but somehow that tarnal Count, consarn him, put me all
out on my natural reckoning. But who cares? sez I to myself. I'll bet a
cookey if there warn't but two men in the world, and them were that
darned feller and Jonathan Slick, and she'd got to marry one or t'other,
she wouldn't be long a making up her mind whether to take a chap for
what he's got in his head or for the hair that grows outside on it; for
a gal with half an eye might see that when a feller's brains all run to
hair, he can't have much sense left.
But when these fellers are so chased after by all the gals, there is no
saying what kind of a chance a plain, honest chap like me might have
among 'em. But any how, I'll try my luck to-morrow, for if I don't go tu
see her I shall be sick abed, that's sartin.
Your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER VIII.
The Morning Call--A Coquette's Dressing Room.
DEAR PAR:
Arly the next morning, I got up and put on my new clothes agin, and sot
afore the fire, thinking of eenamost every thing on arth, till the clock
struck nine; then I slicked down my hair a leetle, and pulled foot up
Broadway agin. I kinder expected every minit that I should meet Miss
Miles, as I did yesterday; but somehow there didn't seem tu be any body
a stirring. There warn't a single one of them whiskered chaps in sight,
and all the women-folks that I could see, up or down, seemed tu have on
nothing but their everyday clothes. I saw tew or three rale homespun,
modest-looking young critters, but they warn't dressed up, and some on
'em were a carrying band-boxes and sich things afore them. Once I got
allfired wrathy, for a nigger woman stood out on the stun side-walk with
a great long brush in her hand, a scrubbing the winders of a big house
with it; and jest as I come along, she give the brush a flourish, and
sent a hull thunder-shower of dirty water all over my new clothes.
"You etarnal black nigger, you! you'd better look out, and keep your
soap-suds for them that wants washing," sez I.
But she hee-he'd out a larfin, and begun tu brush away agin jest as if I
hadn't said a word tu her. Think sez I, it wouldn't be jest the thing
for any body tu see me a jawing here with a nigger wench, so I may as
well grin and bear it, for I don't know of anything that proves a feller
a leetle soft in the garret, so much as keeping up a quarrel with a
person that is so much beneath him that there aint nothing tu be gained,
though you du git the upper hand. So I choked in, and took out my
hankercher and wiped off my coat-sleeves, and went along; but it warn't
no easy matter tu navigate so as not tu git a second ducking, for every
nigger in York seemed to be out a washing winders. I come near slipping
up tew or three times, the stuns were so wet afore all the housen. I can
tell you what, this going tu make morning calls ain't no joke,
especially if a feller happens tu be dressed up. The niggers will sponge
his coat for him, if the tailor forgot tu, without charging him for the
trouble.
Jest afore I got up tu the great four-story house where Miss Miles
lives, I begun to feel sort of anxious agin. Think sez I, what on arth
shall I say tu her when I du get there? So I kept a thinking over a
capital leetle speech that I meant tu make. I'd read in story-books
about lovers that always went down on their knees when they talked soft
sodder to sich stuck-up gals as Miss Miles; but tu save my life, I
couldn't make up my mouth to it; the gal must be something more than
common flesh and blood that would ever bring Jonathan Slick on his
marrow bones, I'm thinking; so if she calculates that I'm a going to
make such a mean coot of myself as that, why she may go to grass for
what I care.
Besides, sez I tu myself, how on arth would I kneel down in these
new-fashioned trousers, if I wanted tu ever so much; when arter putting
one thing and another together, I made up my mind that kneeling down tu
the gals must have gone out of fashion here in York when the chaps give
up wearing them trousers puffed in at the waistbands. This kinder made
my mind easy on that point; so I went on thinking over what I should say
tu Miss Miles when I got tu her house.
Now it ain't no ways hard to make first-rate speeches up in a feller's
head, when he's a going tu see a gal that he's a beginning tu take a
shine arter; but somehow the worst on it all is, a chap al'ers forgets
every word on it when he comes where the gal is.
I begun to grow awful uneasy jest afore I got to the house, and my heart
sot to beating in my bosom, like the pestle in an old fashioned samp
mortar. It seemed to me as if somebody was a looking arter me, and as if
they knew that I was going a courting in broad daylight, which was
enough to make any decent chap look sheepish that had never thought of
making up to the gals only on a Sunday night arter dark, when these
things seem to come nat'ral.
Wal, when I got agin the house, I took a squint up to the winders, for I
thought mebby Miss Miles would be a looking out; but there warn't nobody
to be seen, so I went up the wide marble steps, that looked as white as
snow, with a great chunk of marble a curling down each side on 'em, and
there I stood stock still, for my heart floundered about so that it
eenamost choked me, and if I'd been hung I couldn't a got up pluck to
pull the silver knob and make somebody come and let me in; for all the
York people keep their doors fastened in the day time, so that if a
feller's in ever so much of a hurry, he's got to stand out doors till a
nigger comes to let him in.
By-am-by a black gal stuck her head up from under the steps, as if she
was a going tu speak; so I turned my back to the door, and stuck both
hands in my pockets and began to whistle, as independent as could be,
jest to let her see that I didn't feel anxious to get in. Arter that I
went down the steps agin, jest giving a leetle touch of Yankee Doodle,
sort of easy, as I walked up and down on the stun walk afore the house,
a trying to git up courage. At last a gal come to the door with a tin
basin in her hands, and begun to scour the silver knobs so; I jest went
right up the steps agin like a house a fire, and sez I to the gal--
"Is Miss Miles tu hum?"
She kinder stared at me, as if she was a going to ask what I wanted, but
I warn't a going to stand there a talking to her, so I jest pushed
ahead, and went into the entry way. There warn't nobody there, but one
of the mahogany doors that opened on one side was wide open, and I went
in.
If any thing, the two great rooms was more harnsome than them at Cousin
Beebe's: the footstools and the settees and the chairs were all kivered
with shiny red velvet, figgered off like all natur; but they stood about
over the carpet every which way. Two or three little stun tables stood
out in the middle of the room; one on 'em was kivered with decanters and
wine glasses, and some of the books lay all kivered with gold, a
glittering and shining on the carpet. The grates were all lined with
solid silver, but there warn't a spark of fire in either on 'em yit, and
the ashes lay all scattered out over the stun hearths as thick as could
be. A part of the great silk winder curtains were hitched up, and the
rest on 'em fell clear down to the floor over the winders, till the
sunshine that come a pouring through them looked as light and red as a
hundred glasses full of currant wine. Thinks I, what on arth has become
of all the folks? One would think that they hadn't eat breakfast yit, by
the looks of things; yit that couldn't be, for by that time it was
eenamost ten o'clock, and any body that has the least idee of gitting a
living won't wait arter six for his breakfast.
Wal, arter wandering about the rooms a good while, I went into the entry
way agin; by that time the gal that I'd seen at the door had got up on a
chair, and was a hauling down a great round glass thing, which was hung
by a sort of chain up to the ruff of the entry. When she see me a coming
out of the two rooms, she yelled out as if she didn't know that I was
there afore.
"What do you want here?" sez she, as imperdent as could be.
"Hold your tarnal yop, you critter you," sez I, "and jest tell me where
Miss Miles is; I've come to make her a morning call."
The gal seemed a leetle mortified by that, and sez she to a leetle stuck
up cuffy boy that cum up stairs jest then, "Here's a gentleman wants to
see Miss Miles--is she up yet?"
Wal, now, think sez I, if this York aint the beatumest place that ever I
did see--there aint a nigger in it but what's a poking fun at you or a
throwing water or some tarnal thing or another. I wonder if these leetle
coots think I'm soft enough to believe that an honest, harnsome gal like
Miss Miles, lies abed till ten o'clock. They don't stuff me up that way,
any how, if I did come from the country.
"What name shall I take up?" sez the teinty cuffy, a bowing.
"Oh, I haint partic'lar," sez I; "you may take up any you like best--but
I wish you'd jest tell me where she is, for I begin to feel eenamost
tuckered out, a walking and a standing round here."
The leetle cuffy looked at the gal, and then they both begun to giggle
and tee-hee like any thing.
"Look a here, you damination copper colored image you," sez I to the
nigger, "jest you step up this minit if you don't want to git an
allfired thrashing!"
The poor leetle varmint looked scared out of a year's growth, and sez
he, as humble as could be, "Who shall I say wants to see Miss Miles?"
"Never you mind that," sez I, "go ahead, and I guess she won't be long a
finding out."
With that the nigger went up stairs, and I arter him full chisel; he
looked round as if he wanted to say something jest as he stopped by a
door in the upper entry way; but I told him to go ahead and hold his
yop, for I warn't a going to wait any longer. So he rapped at the door
and somebody said, "Come in." My heart riz in my throat, for I knew
whose voice it was, and I begun to feel as if I'd pitched head for'ard
into a mill dam. The cuffy opened the door, and sez he, "Ma'am here's a
gentleman that would come up."
I heard somebody give a leetle scream, and with that I jest pushed the
nigger out of the way, and sez I, "Miss Miles, how du you du?"
I sniggers, if I didn't raly pity the poor gal, she looked so struck up
in a heap; but what on arth made her act so I couldn't tell at fust, for
I felt kinder streaked as if I'd done something that wasn't exactly
right, though I couldn't think what, and it was as much as a minit afore
I looked right in her face. But jest as I lifted up my head, and drew up
my foot, arter making one of my fust cut bows, she stood jest afore me.
By the living hokey, I never was so struck up in my born days! You know
what I've told you about Miss Miles, about her plump round form, her red
lips, and her rosy cheeks. Well, I'll be darned if there was one of them
left--I shouldn't have known her no more than nothing, if it hadn't been
for her eyes and the way she spoke. Her neck and for'ard that always
looked so white and harnsome, when I see her at Cousin Mary's, and in
Broadway, was as yaller as a safron bag. There warn't the least mite of
red in her face, and her hair was all frizzley, and done up in a leetle
bunch, about as big as a hen's egg behind! She had on a great loose
awk'ard-looking gown, that made her seem twice as chunked as she used
to, and that looked more like a man's shirt cut long and ruffled round
than any thing else. It warn't any too clean neither, and both her
leetle shoes were down to the heel.
There I stood a looking at her with all the eyes in my head--my foot was
drawed up tight, and my arms were a hanging straight down, jest as they
swung back arter I'd made my bow. I kinder seemed tu feel that my mouth
was open a leetle, and that I was a staring at her harder than was
manners for me. But if you'd a given me the best farm in all
Weathersfield, I couldn't have helped it, I was so struck up in a heap
at seeing her in sich a fix. I guess it was as much as two minits afore
either on us said a word; and, at last, Miss Miles turned to the nigger
as savage as a meataxe, and, sez she,
"Why didn't you show Mr. Slick into the drawing room?"
"Oh, don't seem to mind it," sez I a walking into the room, and a
setting down on a chair with my hat between my knees, "I'd jest as livs
set up here as any where."
She looked as if she'd burst right out a crying, but at last she sot
down and tried to act as if she was glad to see me. She begun to make
excuses about herself and the room, and said she wasn't very well that
morning, that she took a new book, and sot down jest as she was to read
it.
"Oh," sez I, "don't make no excuses; it aint the fust time that I've
ketched a gal in the suds. Marm used to say that she never looked worse
than common that somebody wasn't sartin to drop in."
"Will you excuse me one instant, Mr. Slick," sez she, a minit arter I'd
said this, and a looking down on her awk'ard dress, as if she couldn't
help but feel streaked yit.
"Sartinly," sez I; "don't make no stranger of me."
With that, she opened the door and went into a room close by. I jest got
a good peak into it as she went through the door, and an allfired
harnsome room it was. There was a great mahogany bedstead a standing in
the middle, with a high goose feather bed on it, kivered all over with a
white quilt and great square pillows all ruffled off, and the winder
curtains were part white and part sort of indigo blue. I couldn't git a
chance to see what else there was, she shut the door so quick. "By
gracious," sez I to myself, arter she went out, "who on arth would ever
have thought that Miss Miles was so old. When I saw her yesterday, I'd a
took my Bible oath that she warn't more than eighteen, but now I'll be
choked if she don't look as ancient as the hills. If ever she sees
thirty agin she'll have to turn like a crab and walk backwards five or
six years." What puzzled me most was how in creation she contrived to
look so young--but it warn't a great while afore I made it out as clear
as one of Deacon Sykes' exhortations. Arter she'd gone out I jest got up
and took a sort of survey of the room; everything was t'other eend up,
helter skelter in it; there was no eend to the finery and harnsome
furniture, but it don't make much odds how extravagant one is a laying
out money if things aint kept neat and snug in their places. The more
things cost, the more it seems to hurt a feller's feelings to see them
flung about topsy turvy, as they were in that room. I ruther think she
didn't have her company up there very often--but a gal that's got a good
bringing up will be jest as particular about the place she keeps for
herself, and which company never sees, as if it was likely to be seen
every day of her life.
I begun tu be allfired glad that I didn't ask her to have me yesterday,
for if she'd been as young as she seemed tu be, and as harnsome as an
angel, I wouldn't a had her arter seeing that room of her'n. A pocket
hankercher, worked and sprigged, and ruffled off with lace, was a lying
on the settee, but it was all grimmed over with dirt, and looked as if
it would a gin any thing for a sight of the wash tub. The carpet was as
soft and thick as could be, and it was all kivered over with bunches of
posies as nat'ral as life; but there was a great grease spot close by
the fire, where somebody had upsot a lamp, and all around the edges and
in the corners it looked as if it hadn't been swept for ever so long. A
chest of drawers, solid, shiny mahogany--with a great looking-glass,
swung between two pieces of mahogany on the top, stood on one side of
the room, and there, a hanging over the edge on 'em, as true as I live,
were the long, harnsome curls that I'd seen on Miss Miles when she was
tu cousin Mary's party! Wal, think sez I, if this don't take the rag off
the bush! What du you think I saw next? A glass tumbler about half full
of water, with three nice, leetle, white teeth a lying in the bottom on
it! I couldn't help but give a leetle whistle when I saw them. Think sez
I, it's jest as like as not that Miss Miles wont pucker up her mouth and
smile, quite so much this morning as she did yesterday, any how.
There were two leetle china cups with the kivers a lying down by them;
one was filled with white stuff, kinder like flour, only rather more
gritty, and t'other was full of something that looked as much like rose
leaves ground down to powder as anything. A leetle chunk of cotton wool
was stuck into it, but what on arth it was for, I couldn't make out.
There were two or three silk cushions chuck full of pins, on the
drawers, and there was no eend tu the leetle glass bottles all sprigged
off with gold, a lying round on the mantle-shelf, as well as on the
tables and the chest of drawers.
In one corner of the room there stood a great looking-glass, a swinging
between two leetle posts cut out of mahogany, and right over it two silk
frocks were tumbled up together. I begun to finger them a leetle, for
somehow I felt curious tu know how the tarnal cunning critter contrived
tu make herself look so plump and round. It didn't want much cyphering
tu find her out. The tops of her frocks, both on 'em, were all stuffed
full of something soft that made them stand out as nat'ral as life. I
hadn't but jest time tu drop the frock and set down agin--looking as
innocent as if butter wouldn't melt in my mouth--when Miss Miles come
back agin. She'd put on another frock, all ruffled off, and somehow or
other, had fixed up her hair so as to look ruther more ship shape; but
she hadn't had time to put herself all together, though her face did
look a leetle whiter than it did when I fust went in. There warnt a bit
of a hump on her back, and she was nat'ral all the way round!
I felt ruther uneasy, for, think sez I, it's jest as like as not she'll
expect me to talk over a leetle soft sodder with her, as I did
yesterday; but I'll be darned if it don't make me sick tu think on it. I
hitched about on my chair, and I looked at every thing in the room but
her, then I took up my hat and begun to balance it on my two fore
fingers, and at last sez I--
"Wal, Miss Miles, I s'pose I may as well be a jogging."
"Don't be in a hurry," sez she, a trying tu smile, but without opening
her lips a bit, "I hope you won't make strangers of us."
I let my hat drop, and picked it up again.
"What book was that that you've been a reading?" sez I, detarmined tu
say something.
"Oh, that's the Countess of Blessington's last work," sez she; "it's a
charming book. Do you like her writings, Mr. Slick?"
"Wal, I don't know," sez I; "I never read any of her books, but it
kinder strikes me that she aint no great shakes herself, anyhow."
"Oh, you shouldn't be censorious, Mr. Slick," sez she. "You know Mr.
Willis visited her and was delighted."
"Wal, now," sez I, "it's my opinion that Mr. N. P. Willis couldn't be
over hard to please, if a woman only had a title to her name; but I
wonder how on arth he contrived tu git so thick with the quality over
there in England. I ruther think I shall go over there and try my luck
one of these days, in his way, they seem to be so taken up with us
Yankees, but arter all if a feller has to go over England to let them
lords and editors puff him, afore anybody will take notice on him, he'd
better take tu some other bisness. There ain't a man in all this country
that ever wrote more genuine things than that chap did when he was a
leetle shaver in Yale College, and yet nobody would believe a word on't
till he went off to England. Now it's my opinion that he never wrote
anything arter he went off, half so much to his credit as he did afore,
and when he came here to York from about our parts, jest as I've come
now, if he didn't desarve tu be treated well then, why he don't now,
that's sartin. But I used to know him down East, and it's my opinion
that he's a first rate, hull-hearted feller, and a rale ginuine poet tu
boot! But I swanny! Miss Miles, I must be a going, you hain't no idea
how much I've got to du!"
With that I got up and made a bow. She made a curchy, and, sez she, "Mr.
Slick, call agin, we shall always be glad to see you."
"Sartinly," sez I; so I made another bow and cut stick down stairs into
the open street. But if Miss Miles ever ketches me on her premises
again, she'll ketch a weasel asleep. That Count may marry her--what
there is left of her--and go to grass, for what I care.
Your loving son,
JONATHAN SLICK.
* * * * *
LETTER IX.
A New York Parvenu--Jonathan's Account of his Cousin Jason Slick, and
how Jason was too lazy to work, and got rich on soft sodder--The dinner
of a Connecticut Coaster--A New York Coat of Arms, lions couchant and
levant--Yankee Ancestry--The way a Yankee speculates, and gets up
States, Railroads and Banks, by soft sodder.
DEAR PAR:
It is eenamost twelve o'clock, jest arter New Years, and here I be as
wide awake as a night hawk, and a feeling purty considerably rily in the
upper story. So I believe it'll be about the best thing I can du tu
clap down and tell you all about New Year's Day here in York.
But first I want tu tell you something about all the trials and troubles
that I've had tu go through since I wrote my last letter--I don't
believe there ever was a human critter so chased arter as I've been.
They talk about Cherry street not being fashionable, but I'll be darned
if I believe there's a more genteel street in the city. It's the folks
that live in a place that make it genteel or not, and if Cherry street
aint at the top of the mark afore many more weeks, it'll be because I
move my office out on it, for there's no eend to the great shiny
carriages that come down and stop afore my door, eenamost every hour in
the day. It raly does look funny enough to see great pussey fellers, as
big as the side of the house, a sitting in them things all bolstered up
with cushions and kivered over with skins, like a baby shut up in a
go-cart afore it begins tu run alone.
T'other day there was one of these fat chaps come into my office, and
sot out tu make me believe that he was a sort of a relation of mine. I
didn't feel jest right, for since I begun to print my letters in the
Express it beats all natur how many relations, that I never heard on
afore, have been a trying tu scrape an acquaintance with me. Wal, after
a good deal of beating about the bush, this chap at last made out purty
tolerably clear that he was a kind of a great toe cousin of our'n, and
that he was born and brought up in Weathersfield. He come his soft
sodder over me mighty smooth, and had a good deal to say about how much
he thought of us all, and how fond he'd been of Sam and me. I wish you
could a seen how he pussed out his mouth and breathed through his nose,
and what a heap of pomposity he put on when he was a talking. He acted
jest like our old turkey gobler, when he goes training the young turkeys
round the barnyard, with his wings feathered out and his tail spread.
Wal, arter talking all kinds of rigmarole for about an hour, he begun to
tell how hard it was for a young man tu start in the world, and git
along without somebody tu give him a push up the hill, and that it
didn't make much odds how much genius a man had, or how smart he was, if
he hadn't some rich and influential friend tu back him up.
"Now," sez he, "cousin Slick," and you can't think how easy he seemed tu
call me cousin; "you've done purty well since you come to York,
considering that you hadn't nobody to help you along but Mr. Beebe; but
you must git a peg higher yit; we must introduce you among the
aristocracy."
"The what?" sez I.
"The aristocracy," sez he agin, strutting back, and poking one hand down
into his trousers' pocket, as if he was a going tu take something out.
Wal, think sez I, I s'pose arter he's fumbled about long enough, he'll
show me what aristocracy is, if he carries it about in his pocket like
the rest on 'em; but he only took out a piece of pinted gold, and begun
to poke it between his teeth; and arter he'd got through, he made out tu
finish what he was a saying.
"Now," sez he, "I think I've seen Mr. Beebe at the New England dinner,
and at one or two places of that sort where one meets almost every body,
and for a merchant that hasn't made enough to leave off business, I dare
say he's a very respectable sort of a man, but he don't exactly belong
tu the--the; that is, tu the class--who--which I mean tu take you inter,
Mr. Slick; a class that claim some standing from their ancestors--men of
family, that can be traced back like our's, cousin."
"Yes," sez I, sort o' pleased, "I believe we never had many relations tu
be ashamed on. Par always used to say that grandpa Slick could make
about the harnsomest pair of cow-hide boots of any feller in
Weathersfield; and as for uncle Josh, I'd be darned if ever I saw his
equal at shoeing a hos. They were prime old chaps both on 'em--rale
peelers, I can tell you. Now, come tu think on it, there was one lazy
coot of a feller that never would work for a living; but he went off
when I was a little shaver, and our folks don't know what became of him.
He warn't much credit to us, that's a fact."
I don't know what on arth made my pussey cousin get so fedgety all tu
once, but he begun to hitch about in his chair, and turned as red as a
winter apple; and, sez he--
"Cousin Slick, this isn't the way we gentlemen prove that we are men of
family. If that was the way we did it, there aint many men in the
country that would go back two generations without breaking their neck
over a lap stone or an anvil. Now I have taken a good deal of pains to
trace out our family line, and the only way I could du it was to skip
all the mechanics and farmers, jest touch slightly on the merchants,
lawyers and ministers, but to dwell purty particularly hard on them that
lived high and did nothing; now a days it helps a feller along a good
deal if he can count up an author or so; and it was considered something
of a feather in a man's cap if any of his relations were sent to
Congress a few years ago; but now, since they've got a kicking up a dust
every other day in the Capitol, and to spitting fire at each other like
dogs and cats, it don't help a man much to claim any of them for
connexions except here and there one that has got decency enough to be
ashamed of the rest. I begin to be glad that none of our family ever got
into politics much; but step to the door cousin Slick, and I'll show you
the coat-of-arms that I've got on my carriage."
"Wal," sez I, "I don't care if I du, though it comes kinder tough to
leave the stove this cold day." With that I tipped down my chair, and
took my feet off from the stove and went to the door. By gracious! but
he had a smasher of a coach standing there. It glistened and shone in
the sun like a house afire. A great strapping nigger sot on a kind of
double chair with a low narrer back, kivered over with fine brown
broadcloth, all fringed and tossled off like any thing--and a great bear
skin was hauled up over his legs, all scolloped off with red cloth and
stuck over with coons' tails. The horses beat all live critters I ever
did see; they were as black as crows, and I couldn't say which glistened
the most, their tarnal smooth coots, or the harness put over them. They
were all kivered over and sot out with silver. The horses had great
yaller roses stuck on the sides of their heads, like a gal when she's
dressed up for a party. My pussey cousin, he opened the door, and sez
he,
"Look a here, cousin, haint this purty well got up?"
I looked inside, and there was a leetle sort of a room about big enough
for cousin Beebe to put his swarry in, if he wanted to carry it about
with him. It was all lined off and stuck full of cushions, and tossled
and fringed like a curtained bed. Two great spotted skins lay tumbled up
in the bottom, and there were leetle glass doors with steps to them on
both sides; it raly was harnsome enough to make a feller's eyes feel
snow-blind.
"Wal," sez I, a looking at my pussey cousin; "this does about take the
shine off eenamost all the coaches that ever stopped to my office--and
there's been a grist on 'em, I can tell you, and some with tarnal
handsome ladies in them too."
"Yes," sez he, sort of interrupting what I was going to say; "but you
haint a looking at the coat of arms--that is what I want you to see."
"Wal," sez I, a giving the nigger a purty general survey, that sot back
of the horses dressed up in sort of regimentals, all finefied off with
buttons and yaller cloth; "The coat is well enough--I don't see much to
find fault with in it, though to own the truth, Captin Wolf, of the
Weathersfield Independent Company, had a training coat that beats it all
tu nothing. As for the critter's arms, niggers may be different to white
people in that way, but I don't see much odds--mebby you mean this other
chap's, and his are long enough, that's a fact."
With that I jest took a good squint at a great tall shote of a feller,
with arms like a pair of flails hung up arter threshing. He was a
standing up back of the coach, and a hanging on to a couple of great
tossels fastened to it, as independent as a monkey in a show. His coat
and trousers were just like the nigger's, and he had a great wide band
of gold stuff round his hat! my pussey cousin only shook his head when I
looked at the chap. The nigger twisted his neck round, and the tall
varmint stuck his'n up, and they begun to grin and tee hee at each other
over the coach.
"See here, this is what I mean," sez my cousin; and his fat cheek begun
to grow red with the cold or something. With that he put his finger on a
picter, all sprigged out with gold that was figgered on the door, and
sez he, "this is the coat and arms."
"Wal," sez I, "I've seen a good many picters, but I never heard them
called by that name afore. I s'pose this is some York notion that you've
picked up, aint it?"
"It's the ginuine thing," sez he, "and I paid a deal of money for it, I
can tell you."
"Wal," sez I, a looking at the consarn purty sharp; "them two critters a
lying down there cut a considerable of a dash, that's a fact; but the
rooster on the top, that are beats all. It's so nat'ral, it seems to me
as if I could hear it cockadoodledoo right out."
"Yes," sez my cousin, "that is well done, aint it? But I see you don't
exactly comprehend the science of heraldry. Now all these things mean
something."
"You don't say so!" sez I.
"These are lions couchant," sez he, a pinting tu the wild critters.
"You don't say so!" sez I agin; "I've seen a good many lions in the
shows that travel through Weathersfield, but I never saw a croushong
afore. They look purty much alike, don't they though?"
With that the two varmints stuck up at each eend of the carriage begun
tu tee hee agin, and my pussey cousin, sez he, "Mr. Slick, supposing we
go in."
"Wal," sez I, "but if you'd jest as lives, I should kinder like tu know
what the rooster means afore we go."
"Can't you guess what part of the Slick family that belongs to?" sez he,
a strutting up and rubbing his hands together as proud as could be.
"Wal," sez I, "I don't know, without it belongs to Aunt Lydia--par's old
maid of a sister; she sartinly did beat all natur at raising chickens.
You never heard of an egg turning out rotten, or a duck gitting drowned,
on her premises."
With that the two chaps giggled right out, and stuck their fists into
their darn'd great tatur-traps as if they felt a cold; and my pussey
cousin, sez he, "it's a gitting cold--less go in."
"Wal," sez I, "I don't care if we du; but I tell you what, if them two
chaps don't jest hush up their yop, I'll give them both an allfired
thrashing--I will, by gosh!"
I ruther guess the two mean critters hauled in their horns a few at
this; and arter I'd gin them both a purty savage look, we went into the
office agin.
"Now," sez my pussey cousin, jest as soon as we'd both sot down agin,
"Cousin Slick, I've found you out, and I mean to du something for
you--something harnsome, you may depend on't. Jest you call up to my
house next New Year's day, and git acquainted with my folks, and arter
that you needn't be consarned about anything. I'm purty well known here
in the city, and _my_ relation can hold up his head almost anywhere, I
should think! I was down tu the Astor House t'other day," sez he, a
stopping to git breath and stretching both his legs out straight, while
he stuck both hands in his pockets, mighty big, "and there was that
foreign Count and Miss Miles's brother running on about you, and
swearing that they'd skin you alive the first time they caught you in
Broadway; but I went up tu them, and sez I, 'that young gentleman is a
near relation of mine, and anything you say agin him, I take tu myself.'
You can't think, cousin Jonathan, what an impression it made! So you
needn't have the least fear of what they can du while I stand by
you--they know me."
With that, my pussey cousin got up--and arter he'd shook hands with me,
he went off, carriage and all. I say, par, I wish I could give you some
idee of him. Did you ever see a great spotted toad a swelling under a
harrer, or a turkey gobbler jest afore thanksgiving?
I say nothing; but didn't I larf arter he'd gone. The great stuck-up
bear, with his family, and his hens and roosters--he go to grass.
Wal, jest as soon as my pussey cousin had cleared out, I put on my hat,
and streaked it down to Peck slip, for Captin Doolittle has jest put in
agin with another load of garden sarce; and think sez I, mebby he can
tell me something about this chap, for he knows eenamost everybody that
ever lived anywhere about Weathersfield.
The Captin had jest sot down to dinner, and was a digging away like all
natur, at a hunk of cold pork and a raw onion; a mug of something hot
stood on the locker afore him, and he looked like live, I can tell you.
"Wal, Jonathan," sez he, a looking kinder skewing at my new trousers,
"Wont you set by and take a bite?"
"Wal," sez I, "I shoudn't mind if I did, but to-morrow is New Year's,
and I've got tu go and see a hull heap of these York gals, and I'm
afeard my breath will smell of the onions."
I wish you could a seen how Captin Doolittle stared, as he stuck his
face close up tu mine, giving his jack-knife a grip, he struck the butt
eend of it down on the locker, and sez he,
"Jonathan, they're a spiling you down here in York, they be, by hokey!
Go hum, I tell you, and marry Judy White--she knows what's what, and I
can tell you these York gals that turn up their noses at the smell of
onions, can't have decent bringing up any how. They've sot you agin
onions already, and it wont be a great while afore you'll turn agin your
own relations."
"Now," sez I, "Captain Doolittle, don't say that are, it makes me feel
bad, and I don't desarve it. A feller that will let money, or a stuck up
name, or the handsomest gal that ever trod shoe leather set him agin his
own father and mother, desarves tu be kicked tu death by grasshoppers."
This seemed to sort of mollify the captin, but he stripped the peel off
another onion mighty wrothy, and arter a minit sez he. "Wal, Jonathan,
I'm glad to hear that you've got some of your old notions left, but I
always make a pint not to talk when I'm a eating, so if you won't set
by, why just keep a stiff jaw while I stow away another slice of pork
and this piece of onion, and then I'm the man for you."
With that he went to cutting off a chunk of pork and a chunk of onion to
hand about, till it fairly made my eyes water to see him crunch them
down. Arter a while he wiped his jack-knife on his cuff, shut it tew
with a jerk, and put it in his trousers' pocket; then he took a pull at
the mug, and arter he'd got a long nine purty well a going, he stretched
out his legs, and sez he:
"Wal, Jonathan, what did you come for, if you didn't want nothing to
eat?"
With that I sot down and told him all about my pussey cousin. I could
see that the critter had heard on him afore by the way he twisted his
mouth around about the long nine; but when I told him about the carriage
and rooster and so on, he jest took and gave the long nine a fling,
clapped his thumb agin the side of his nose, and winking one eye, make
his fingers twinkle up and down for as much as a minit without saying a
word; arter a while he asked the critter's name, and when I told him, he
jumped up, cut a pigeon wing over the locker, and stopping right afore
me, winked t'other eye, and sez he--
"Look a here, Jonathan, didn't your par never tell you about Jase Slick,
the great lazy coon, that got married and went off West, because he was
so allfired lazy that he couldn't git a living like other folks? Jest
let me cool off a leetle, and I'll tell you all about him."
With that the Captin brushed away the onion skins and we sot down
together on the locker, and sez he--"Mebby your par never told you what
an etarnal lazy shote Jase was, but he did beat all natur for doing
nothing but swop jack-knives and pitch coppers. He was a tickler though
at trapping mushrats and shooting foxes, and he use to send the skins
down here to York. Now it aint common that you'll find a lazy shack of a
feller very tight about money, but Jase was as close as the bark of a
tree; he'd a skinned a musketoe any day for the hide and taller. I don't
believe the critter ever stood treat in his hull life; I don't, by
gracious.
"Wal, arter all, he warn't a bad hearted feller; but when he see that
all the gals turned up their noses at him, and didn't give him invites
to their quiltings and so on, he coaxed me to let him work his passage
down here to York. He used to send his skins by me, and so I kinder felt
for him, and kept track on him a good while arter he got here. He did
purty tolerably well at first, considering who it was--he bought a
hand-cart, and took people's trunks and sich things up from the
steamboats and sloops that put into Peck slip; but there was too much
work about that to suit him; so he got somebody to lend him a little
money and sot up a rum shop close by the slip.
"Arter that," sez the Captin, a picking up his long nine and a lighting
it, "arter that I kinder lost track on him, but somebody told me that
he'd swopped off his stock and gone out West. Wal, two years go by purty
quick, you know, Jonathan--or if you don't know, you will, when you git
to be as old as I am--and I couldn't but jest believe it was so long
since I'd seen the critter, when I met him smash in the face one day
when I was a scooting up Wall-street, to get specie for a five dollar
bill. Gracious me! how he was a strutting up the side-walk--didn't he
cut a swarth--with his shiney black coat and the bunch of golden seals a
hanging down from his watch fob! He didn't seem to know me at fust, but
I went right straight up to him and sez I--
"'Wal, Jase, how do you do?' I never--how he did look! First he kinder
held out his hand a leetle, and then he hauled it back agin, and, sez
he, 'how do you du, sir?' but he seemed to be all in a twitter. I didn't
seem to mind it, but I stuck my hands in my pockets jest as you do,
Jonathan, there in your picters--and sez I--
"'Tough and hearty as ever. How does the world use you about these
times?'
"It was as much as I could du to keep from larfin right out, to see the
etarnal pussey critter skew his head round and look at the stream of men
that was a going up and down on each side of the way, as if he was
afraid that some on 'em would see us, the mean sneaking coot! Arter a
minit he sez, sez he, 'Captin, I'm in a hurry now, but I s'pose you can
be found in the old place. Good morning.'
"With that he jest put both hands under his coat tail, and tilting it up
a leetle, went sailing along up the side-walk like a prize hog jest
afore killing time. I snorted right out all I could du to help it. Then
I bent down my knees a leetle, and stuck my hands down hard in both
pockets, and I ruther guess the whistle I sent arter him made all the
folks stare a few. It wasn't good manners, but I sarved him right.
Jonathan, I'd been a friend to the critter when he wanted one bad
enough, and any man on arth that's ashamed of his acquaintances because
he's got a peg above them in the way of money is a coward and a mean
shote,--there's no two ways about that.
"Wal, arter seeing Jase in the street so stuck up, I jest inquir
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