Quodlibet: containing some annals thereof ...
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Title: Quodlibet: containing some annals thereof ...
Author: John Pendleton Kennedy
Release date: March 24, 2012 [eBook #39245]
Language: English
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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK QUODLIBET: CONTAINING SOME ANNALS THEREOF ... ***
Produced by Paul Clark, Dianna Adair and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This
file was produced from images generously made available
by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)
Transcriber's Note:
Every effort has been made to replicate this text as faithfully as
possible, including inconsistencies in spelling and hyphenation.
Some changes of spelling and punctuation have been made. They are
listed at the end of the text.
Italic text has been marked with _underscores_.
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ANNALS OF QUODLIBET.
EDITED BY
THE AUTHOR OF "SWALLOW BARN," ETC. ETC.
QUODLIBET:
CONTAINING
SOME ANNALS THEREOF,
WITH AN
AUTHENTIC ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND GROWTH OF THE BOROUGH,
AND THE SAYINGS AND DOINGS OF SUNDRY OF THE TOWNSPEOPLE;
INTERSPERSED WITH SKETCHES OF THE MOST
REMARKABLE AND DISTINGUISHED CHARACTERS
OF THAT PLACE AND ITS VICINITY.
BY SOLOMON SECONDTHOUGHTS,
SCHOOLMASTER,
FROM ORIGINAL MSS. INDITED BY HIM, AND NOW MADE PUBLIC AT THE
REQUEST AND UNDER THE PATRONAGE OF THE GREAT NEW-LIGHT
DEMOCRATIC CENTRAL COMMITTEE OF QUODLIBET.
Maxima de nihilo nascitur historia.--PROPERTIUS.
SECOND EDITION.
PHILADELPHIA:
J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO.,
1860.
Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1860, by
J. B. LIPPINCOTT & CO.,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the
Eastern District of Pennsylvania.
A WORD FROM THE AUTHOR.
These annals were first published in 1840. They reappear after an
interval of twenty years. In that interval the old questions which
inflamed the zeal and sharpened the wit of parties have totally
disappeared from the political field: the parties themselves have
fermented into new compounds, and lost all cognizable identity. Old
warriors, who dealt mortal blows on each other's sconce, have sunk to
sleep in the same truckle bed, and have waked up in mutual surprise to
find themselves in each other's arms, with a new flag above them, and
new and unaccustomed voices giving the word of command.
The youth who have grown up to manhood in the mean time, and have come
to be conspicuous in the conduct of public affairs, compose a distinct
generation, as unconscious of the events, the interests, and sentiments
of twenty years ago as of those of remote antiquity. These not only
reject the traditions and teachings of the past, but repudiate and
ignore the whole scheme of social and political opinion of the men who
have gone before them, disdaining to adopt their maxims of government,
their policy, their forbearance, their toleration, or their affections.
They inaugurate a new era of new principles, new purposes, new powers,
new morals, and, alas! of new hatreds.
May it not serve a good turn toward arresting this torrent of
innovation, to present to the leisure meditation of those who are
embarking upon its stream, a few memorials of a bygone day, quite as
distinguished as the present for the intensity of its political ardors
and the absurdity of its excesses, but, fortunately, more harmless and
amiable in its temper? Is it not worth while to attempt, by these
playful sketches of the past, to lure the angry combatants into a smile,
and, by showing them the grotesque retribution which history inflicts
upon distempered parties after a few decades of oblivion, to beguile
them into some consideration of the predicament in which they may leave
their own renown? May not all sober-minded lovers of their country
contemplate with some profit the _morale_ of a picture--even as light
and extravagant as this--which represents the engrossments of parties
who fancied that the destinies of a great nation hung upon the plots and
counterplots of their busy ferment,--which engrossments, with all their
concomitant gravities and glorifications, twenty years have shriveled
into the dimensions of a pleasant farce--a little stage imbroglio of
comic conceits and fussy nothings?
That intrepidity of absurdity which no responsible individual would dare
to countenance in his own conduct, and which is only possible to
organized bodies propelled by the ardor of party enthusiasm, is a fact
in human action worth the study of the philosopher. By some unexplored
tidal law, parties would seem to move through successive ebb and flow
toward a final culmination of mischievous extreme, each refluent wave
returning with heavier mass, until the accumulated weight of madness and
folly overtopples, breaks, and dissolves in noisy foam. As we have a
computed cycle of a money-crisis, the known result of an increasing and
rapid prosperity ill used, so also we have the regularly recurring
political crisis, the result of increasing party-power abused by rash
and insolent presumption upon its strength.
This century has run out its three periods of twenty years. The first
ended in the total absorption of all differences of opinion, bringing a
stagnant calm upon the waters of ancient strife. The second culminated
in a revolution that shook a great party out of its seat;--a revolution
which these annals were designed to illustrate. The third period has
wheeled through its course, to work another downfall and another
revolution more notable and significant than either that have gone
before. The fourth, let us hope, may find a nation restored to
reason;--a great united Republic, tried and purified by the experience
of dangers incurred and surmounted, and by an awakened patriotism
successfully asserting the predominance of the good sense and virtue of
the people over the factious spirit that ministers to personal ambition,
and the vanity that seeks renown in innovations upon either the
principles in which the Union was formed, or the sentiment by which it
is to be preserved.
But these reflections are tending toward a graver subject than it would
be becoming to discuss here. So, I leave them for some more appropriate
occasion. If I have any reason to fear the annals of Quodlibet may find
no favor with the emerging generation, I can make sure of another class
of readers to whom I look with a staunch and unfaltering trust;--that
goodly host of ripe and considerate citizens, the survivors of
1840--that salt of the earth, who live on the past, and reckon old
memories to be better than a fresh and damp morning journal. To you, old
friends, bald on the crown, gray and feathery about the temples, with
jovial glance of the eye, showing a heart made kind by trials, and who
love your country with an affection that grows out of the straits in
which you have seen her, and the faith you have that Providence has
helped her through them, and will help her through many more: to you,
seasoned and made jocund by time, and who, both as supporters and
antagonists, have run through the career of passion and delusion, and
outlived the wrath, the cunning, and the falsehood, the grandiloquent
fervor and exaggerated importance of the old political quarrels; to you
I dedicate this new edition of this book and consign it to your
protection, with the affectionate trust of a fellow-soldier, (whether as
comrade or opponent,--as kindly in one character as the other,) in the
whilom war of bloodless campaigns, in which for years we were mutually
engaged.
The astute reader of these annals, if he but truly analyze their
philosophy, may obtain a revelation more or less intelligible of what is
acting on the stage to-day, and even arrive at some data by which he may
cast a horoscope of the time to come. History is constantly reproducing
itself. Events have different dates, and run in different names; but
motives, human action and passion, are the same, and bring to light the
same categories of thought and opinion. That which has been, is, and
will be again, through an infinite series of repetitions. Thus we read
the present and the future in the past. And in this light I affirm the
annals to be a fair and veritable history of this time. Change a few
secondary particulars, and the reader will find 1840 a type of 1860.
Would that in these grotesque absurdities of the busy world of twenty
years ago the men who shape and control the political issues of this day
may see some reflected images of themselves, and thus find a motive to
make interest with posterity for a better report twenty years hence!
INTRODUCTION.
FRIENDLY READER:--
Of a truth, we are a great people!--and most happy am I, Solomon
Secondthoughts, Schoolmaster of the Borough of Quodlibet, that it hath
fallen to my lot, even in my small way, to make known to you how in our
Borough that greatness hath grown toward its perfect maturity--feeling
persuaded that Quodlibet therein is but an abstract or miniature
portrait of this nation. Happy am I, although sorely oppressed with an
inward perception of my defective craft in this most worthy task, that I
have been thought by our Central Committee a fit expounder of that
history wherein is _enchrysalized_ (if I may be allowed to draw a word,
_parce detortum_, from the Greek mint) the most veritable essence of
that recently discovered Democratic theory, for distinction called the
Quodlibetarian, which is destined to supplant all other principles in
our government, and to render us the most formidable and the most
imposing people upon the terraqueous globe.
How it came to pass that this duty has been committed to my hands, you
shall learn.
In the days of the late Judge Flam, now thirty years gone by, and long
before Quodlibet was, that very considerate and astute gentleman honored
me, a poor and youthful scholar, with a promotion to the office of
private tutor in his family, then residing at their ancient seat in this
neighborhood. It was my especial duty, in this station, to prepare
Master Middleton, the eldest born, for college; which in three years of
assiduous labor was achieved, much to my content, and, I need not
scruple to affirm, no less to my honor, seeing how notably my pupil has
since figured in high places among the salt of the nation. Far be it
from me to take an undue share of desert for this consummation; it would
be disingenuous not to say that my pupil's liberal endowments at the
hand of Nature herself rendered my task easy of success.
By the aid of my early patron the Judge, whose memory will long be
embalmed in the unction of my gratitude, I became, after Master
Middleton was passed from under my care, the head of our district
school, which at first was established in that lowly log building under
the big chestnut upon the Rumblebottom, about fifty rods south of
Christy M'Curdy's mill--which tenement is yet to be seen, although in a
melancholy state of desolation, the roof thereof having been blown away
in the famous hurricane of August, 1836, just two years and ten months
after the Removal of the Deposits. This unfortunate event--I mean the
blowing off of the roof--it was the mercy of Providence to delay for the
term of one year and a fraction of a month after I had removed into the
new academy which my former pupil, and now, in lineal succession to his
lamented parent the Judge, my second patron, the Hon. Middleton Flam,
had procured to be erected for my better accommodation in the Borough of
Quodlibet. Had my removal been delayed, or the hurricane have risen
thirteen months sooner than it did, who shall tell what mourning it
might not have spread through our country side--who shall venture to say
that Quodlibet might not have been to-day without a chronicler?
This long inhabiting of mine in these parts has afforded me all
desirable opportunities to note the growth of the region, and especially
to mark out the beginnings, the progression, and the sudden magnifying
of our Borough; and being a man--I speak it not vaingloriously--of an
inquiring turn, and strongly gifted, as our people of Quodlibet are
pleased to allow, with the perfection of setting down my thoughts in
writing; and having that essential requisite of the historian, an ardent
and unquenchable love of my subject, it has ever been my custom to put
into my tablets whatsoever I have deemed noteworthy in the events and
opinions of my day, accompanied by such reflections thereon as my
subject might be found to invite. Some of these memorabilia,
with discourses pertinent to the same, have I from time to time,
distrustfully and with the proper timidity of authorship, ventured to
contribute to our newspaper, and thereby has my secret vanity been
regaled by seeing myself in print. By what token I have not yet
ascertained, but these lucubrations of mine were not long ago discovered
to our "Grand Central Committee of Unflinching New-Light Quodlibetarian
Democrats," who have been charged with the arduous duty of maintaining
the integrity of the party in the present alarming crisis, and
of promoting, by all means in their power, the indefeasible,
unquestionable, and perpetual right of succession to the Presidential
Chair, claimed by and asserted for the candidate of the great,
unterrified New Democratic school of patriotic defenders of the spoils.
This Central Committee now hold their sessions weekly in Quodlibet--and
having discovered my hand in the lucubrations to which I have alluded
above, they have been pleased to express a favorable opinion thereon;
and, as a sequence thereto, it has occurred to them to fancy that my
poor labors being duly given to the compiling of such a history as my
tablets might afford of the rise and progress of the New Democratic
principle in Quodlibet, the same would greatly redound to the advantage
of the cause in the present great struggle. Acting upon this suggestion,
the Grand Central Committee have honored me with a request to throw into
such shape as I might deem best these scattered records of opinion and
chronicles of fact, whereof I was supposed to have a rich magazine.
Readily and cheerfully have I acceded to this request; and with the more
relish, as I shall thus be furnished with an authentic occasion to
present to the world the many valuable thoughts and eloquent utterings
of my late distinguished pupil, and now beneficent patron, the Hon.
Middleton Flam, long a representative of this Borough and the adjacent
district in the Congress of the United States.
I pretend to no greater merit in this execution of my task than what an
impartial spirit of investigation, a long acquaintance with persons of
every degree connected with this history, an apt judgment in
discriminating between opinions, a most faithful and abundant memory, a
careful store of documentary evidence, an unalterable devotion to the
great principles of Quodlibetarian Democracy, and, for the expounding of
all, a lucid and felicitous style, may allow me to claim as the
chronicler of this Borough.
The better to assure you, my friendly reader, that, in temper and
condition, I may demand somewhat of the confidence due to the character
of a dispassionate commentator on the times, I would have you understand
that I am now on the shady side of sixty, unmarried, and in possession
of an easy revenue of four hundred dollars per annum, which is voted to
me by our commissioners, for instructing in their rudiments thirty-seven
children of both sexes; that I have a plate at the table of my patron,
the Hon. Middleton Flam, my former pupil, every Sunday at dinner; and
that he, being aware for some time past of my purpose to treasure up his
remarkable sayings, has, with a generous freedom, often repeated to me
many opinions which otherwise would have been irretrievably lost.
Moreover, since I am now brought before the public under circumstances
in which reserve on my part would be no better than affectation, I would
also advertise my indulgent reader of the fact that I belong to the
Quodlibetarian New-Light Club, whereof I some time officiated as
Secretary, and which club generally meets on Saturday night at Ferret's;
that the members of the same, noting my staidness of deportment and the
careful deliberation with which I guard myself in the utterance of any
discourse, do frequent honor to the temperance of my judgment by making
me the arbiter of such casual controversies as arise therein, touching
the true import and application of the principles of our New-Light
Democracy; and--if I run no risk of being charged with offering a
trivial evidence of the reputation I have earned in the club--I would
also mention, that some of our light wags have gone so far--facetiously
and with a commendable good nature, knowing that I would not take it
ill, as more peevish men might, in their jocular pleasantry--as to call
me, in allusion to my natural sedateness, SOBER SECONDTHOUGHTS:--the
rogues!
And now, amiable and considerate reader, you have "ab imo pectore" my
honest avouch for what I propose to lay before you, and a plain
confession of my weaknesses. I come with a clean breast to the
confessional. We shall have a frugal banquet of it, but the fruits, I
make bold to promise, shall be wholesome and of the best. Now turn we to
it in good earnest. If this little chronicle--for my book shall not be
overgrown and apoplectic, but rather, as you shall find it, "garrulous
and thin"--do not bring you to a profound sense of the value of this
Amaranth of Republicanism, the New-Light Quodlibetarian Democracy, then
say it to my teeth, there is no virtue in SOBER SECONDTHOUGHTS. Go thy
ways--"The wise man's eyes are in his head, but the fool walketh in
darkness."
S. S., SCHOOLMASTER.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
PAGE
A WORD FROM THE AUTHOR 5
INTRODUCTION 9
INTERLOCUTORS, ACTORS, etc. 21
CHAPTER I.
Antiquities of Quodlibet. Michael Grant's tanyard destroyed by
the canal. Consequences of this event. Two distinguished
individuals take up their residence in the Borough.
Establishment of the Patriotic Copperplate Bank.
Circumstances which led to, and followed that measure.
Michael Grant's objections to it. 25
CHAPTER II.
Great usefulness of the bank. Surprising growth of Quodlibet.
Some account of the Hon. Middleton Flam. Origin of his
Democracy. His logical argument in favor of the pocketing of
the Bill to repeal the Specie Circular. The Democratic
principle as developed in the Representative System. 41
CHAPTER III.
Further discourse relating to the Hon. Middleton Flam.
Correction in the orthography of his family seat. His
respect for the people. Very original views entertained by
him on this subject. His liberality in money matters.
Aversion to the law regarding interest. Democratic view of
that question. His encouragement of industry and the
working people. Ingenious and profound illustration of the
Great Democratic Principle 57
CHAPTER IV.
The Second Era. Population of Quodlibet. Increase unparalleled
in Ancient Cities; equaled only by Milwaukee, etc. Success
of the bank. Attack upon it in Congress. The Hon. Middleton
Flam's triumphant vindication. Sketch of his celebrated
speech before the New Lights. Inimitable irony on the
Divorce of Government and Bank. Merited compliment to the
head of the Secretary of the Treasury. That distinguished
gentleman's opinions. 68
CHAPTER V.
Excitement produced by The Thorough Blue Whole Team. Meeting of
the New Lights. Jesse Ferret's ambidexterity. Introduction
of Eliphalet Fox to the club. His exposition of principles.
Establishment of the Quodlibet Whole Hog. 79
CHAPTER VI.
Being a short history of Eliphalet Fox. 87
CHAPTER VII.
Astounding Event; Suspension of Specie Payments. Proceedings of
the Bank of Quodlibet thereupon. Resolve of the Directors
against Suspension. Conspiracy and threatened Revolution
headed by Flan Sucker. Directors change their mind. Their
consternation and escape. Remarkable bravery and presence of
mind of the Hon. Middleton Flam. His splendid appeal to the
insurgents. General Jackson's oracular views in regard to
the Suspension. 93
CHAPTER VIII.
Signs of discord in Quodlibet. The Iron-Railing Controversy.
Agamemnon Flag's nomination. Revolt of Theodore Fog. The
celebrated Split. Consequences of Jesse Ferret's pernicious
dogma in reference to publicans. First fruits of the Split
manifested at Mrs. Ferret's tea drinking. Grave reflections
by the author. Moral. 106
CHAPTER IX.
Great meeting at the Sycamore Spring. Some description of the
arrangements. Nicodemus Handy chosen to preside on this
occasion. Motion to that effect by Mr. Snuffers. This worthy
gentleman's misfortune. His escape. Successful organization
of the meeting. 118
CHAPTER X.
Scenes at the Sycamore Spring. Nicodemus Handy's speech as
President. Sketch of Andrew Grant's speech. Agamemnon
Flag's. Attempts at interruption. Theodore Fog's celebrated
speech on this occasion. Eloquent exposition of principles.
His triumph. His misfortune. Quipes's disappointment of his
friends. 128
CHAPTER XI.
The division of the party becomes more distinct. Admirable
address of Eliphalet Fox at this juncture. Result of the
election. Rejoicing of the True Grits. Jesse Ferret's
difficulties. Is taken to task by his dame. Candid avowal
of his embarrassments. Theodore Fog's exposition of True
Grit principles. His good-natured encouragement of Jesse
Ferret. Dabbs's treat. 147
CHAPTER XII.
Third Era. Divisions in Quodlibet continue. Fomented by the
women. Fog rather disappoints his friends by his course in
the Legislature. Prostration of business in the Borough.
Traced to the merchants. Mr. Flam's opinion of them, and the
consequence thereof. Indignation of the New Lights against
them. Fog's eulogium upon them. Movements of the True Grits.
Fox's skillful management. The Tigertail affair. Mysterious
termination of it. Nim Porter's indiscretion. 169
CHAPTER XIII.
A political discussion at Abel Brawn's shop. Abel's views of the
Sub-Treasury. Important communication made by Theodore Fog.
The New Lights take ground against the banks. The Hon.
Middleton Flam resigns the Presidency of the Copperplate
Bank. Snuffers aspires to the succession. 181
CHAPTER XIV.
Letter from a Cabinet officer to Mr. Flam. Directions to the
Democracy. The Cabinet officer's mode of producing an
impression. The President's determination in regard to the
Independent Treasury. Warning to deserters. Candidates for
Mr. Flam's place in the bank. Hardbottle elected. Theodore
Fog's outbreak. He cools down and stands upon principle.
Hardbottle unpopular. 194
CHAPTER XV.
Unhappy event in the life of Nicodemus Handy. Consternation at
Quodlibet. Disasters among the Directors. Explosion of the
bank. Conversation between Theodore Fog and Mr. Grant. Fog's
views of the question of distress. Compliment to Jesse
Ferret. 201
CHAPTER XVI.
A rapid review of one year. What the author is compelled to
pretermit. The President's "Sober Secondthought" message
received at Quodlibet with great rejoicing. The author
communes with his reader touching New-Light principles.
Illustrations of them. Remarkable dexterity of the
Secretary. Interesting letter from the Hon. Middleton Flam.
Dawning of the Presidential Canvass. The Northern man with
Southern principles, and his mannikin. 214
CHAPTER XVII.
Fourth Era. The Hon. Middleton Flam re-elected. The New Lights
determine to stigmatize the Whigs as Federalists. Mr. Flam's
instructions in regard to the Presidential Canvass.
Nomination of Harrison and Tyler. Course of the New Lights.
Formation of the Grand Central Committee of Unflinching
New-Light Quodlibetarian Democrats. Its President,
Secretary, and place of meeting. 225
CHAPTER XVIII.
Proceedings of the Grand Central Committee. Vindication of the
severity practiced against General Harrison. Tactics of the
New Lights. Abolitionism. Selling white men for debt.
Harrison a coward. Considerations which led to the naming of
the opposition British Whigs. Stratagem against Harrison,
and the clamor against him for not answering. Hope of the
New Lights confirmed by the Connecticut, Rhode Island, and
Virginia elections. Baltimore Convention a failure.
Important letter from Mr. Flam. Amos Kendall's purpose to
resign. Excitement of composition prescribed by his
physician. Central Committee sanction the compilation of
these annals. 232
CHAPTER XIX.
Deserved compliment on Mr. Van Buren's exploit of the Florida
War. The affair of the True Grits and Sergeant Trap. True
Grits suffer a defeat. Flan Sucker's opinion upon the
subject. His account of an action at law between Joe Snare
and Ike Swingletree. 242
CHAPTER XX.
These Chronicles draw to a close. The New Lights not displeased
with Eliphalet Fox's discomfiture. Passage of the
Independent Treasury Bill, and rejoicing thereon in
Quodlibet. Changes. Interesting letter from the Dibble
family. Mr. Flam returns to Quodlibet. His views of the
Canvass. The President's reliance on the intelligence of the
people. Ignominy and Insult of Federalism. Elections in
Kentucky, Indiana, and North Carolina, Alabama, Missouri,
and Illinois. Presidential election. Consternation of the
Quods. Meeting of the Club. Quarrel of Theodore Fog and Hon.
Middleton Flam. Defection of Fog and sundry True Grits.
Second Split. Great uproar and confusion. 254
INTERLOCUTORS, ACTORS, AND OTHERS NOTED IN THIS HISTORY.
NEW-LIGHT QUODLIBETARIAN DEMOCRATS.
THE HON. MIDDLETON FLAM.--Head of the New Lights, Representative of the
district in Congress, President of the Copperplate Bank, intimate
with the Secretary of the Treasury, an orator, a philosopher, and a
man of large estate.
NICODEMUS HANDY.--Projector of the Copperplate Bank, Cashier of the
same, and some time second in command of the New Lights.
SIMON SNUFFERS.--Superintendent of the Hay Scales, and President of the
New-Light Club.
NATHANIEL DOUBLEDAY.--Clerk of the Court and Vice of the Club.
S. S.--Author and Editor of this History, Principal of the District
School, honorary member of several literary societies, and
Secretary no less to the New-Light Club than to the Grand
Central Committee of Unflinching New-Light Quodlibetarian
Democrats--_quorum magna pars fui_.
AGAMEMNON FLAG.--Attorney-at-Law, formerly of Bickerbray. At one time
the Regular Nomination Candidate. Disposed to be in love with Miss
Handy.
JACOB BARNDOLLAR.--Son-in-law of Jesse Ferret--of the firm of
Barndollar & Hardbottle, Forwarding and Commission Merchants.
ANTHONY HARDBOTTLE.--Counterpart in said Firm. Elected President of the
bank upon the resignation of Mr. Flam.
ZACHARY YOUNGHUSBAND.--Postmaster of _Quodlibet_, Tin-plate worker,
and member of the Grand Central Committee.
THEODORE FOG.--Attorney-at-Law. At one time Director of the bank, but
compelled to resign on account of his habits. Independent candidate
against Agamemnon Flag--member of the Legislature--a distinguished
popular orator, and original founder of that branch of the New
Lights known by the name of the True Grits.
DR. THOMAS G. WINKELMAN.--Druggist, and soda-water pavilion keeper,
physician in ordinary to the True Grits, and a man of great
influence in that sect. Coroner of the county, contractor for the
supply of medicines to the Almshouse, and ready to take any other
office which might be vacant.
NIMROD PORTER.--Bar-keeper at The Hero, fond of betting, famous for
trotting horses. A True Grit, but well inclined to the Mandarins.
ELIPHALET FOX.--Formerly editor of "The Gabwrangle Grimalkin," but,
through the influence of Mr. Flam, transferred to "The Quodlibet
Whole Hog,"--an expectant of the Marshal's place, but disappointed.
The Orderly of the True Grits.
_True Grits Rank and File._
DABBS.--His Compositor.
NEAL HOPPER.--The Miller in Christy M'Curdy's mill.
SAMUEL PIVOT.--The County Assessor.
THOMAS CROP.--Constable of the Borough and an aspirant to the
Sheriffalty.
WILLIAM GOODLACK.--Merchant Tailor and seller of ready-made clothes.
MAGNUS MOREHEAD.--Shoemaker, and looking to be made clerk to the
Marshal in place of Washington Cutbush.
SIMPSON TRAVERS.--Keeper of the Refectory at the lower end of the
Canal Basin, and expecting to have the exclusive supply of
Liquors to the Recruiting Station.
SANDY BUTTERCROP.--Express rider, message carrier, baggage porter,
and of sundry other accidental occupations--promised the place of
Corney Dust, Marshal's porter.
FLAN SUCKER.--A distinguished loafer, a great admirer of Theodore
Fog, and a regular attendant on public meetings.
BEN INKY, JEFF DRINKER, MORE M'NULTY.--Friends and followers of Flan
Sucker.
FEROX TIGERTAIL.--Marshal of the district, resident in Bickerbray, an
old Federalist, but reformed into a New-Light Democrat: choleric,
and difficult to keep in harness.
WASHINGTON CUTBUSH.--His clerk, suspected of having an opinion of his
own in politics.
CORNEY DUST.--His porter, charged with being lukewarm, and attending to
nothing but his office.
VIRGIL PHILPOT.--Editor of The Bickerbray Scrutinizer, and an
out-and-out friend of the Hon. Middleton Flam.
ABRAM SCHOOLCRAFT.--Nurseryman in Bickerbray, member of the
Legislature.
CURTIUS SHORT.--Cheap store-keeper in Tumbledown, member of the
Legislature.
CALE GOODFELLOW.--Sportsman, Farobanker, etc., of Tumbledown, and
entirely devoted to Theodore Fog.
WHIGS.
MICHAEL GRANT.--Formerly a tanner, occupying the land on which
Quodlibet was built. Having amassed an independence, he has retired
to his farm at the foot of the Hogback, where he lives, surrounded
by his four sons.
ANDREW GRANT.--His youngest son, educated to the engineer service, but
preferring to be at home, married the daughter of Stephen P.
Crabstock, and lives near the Hogback.
ABEL BRAWN.--A substantial blacksmith, but unfortunately infected with
Whig principles--a matter of great regret to his friends among the
New Lights.
DAVY POST.--Wheelwright.
GEOFFRY WHEELER.--Teamster.
PETER OUNCE.--Keeper of the Boatmen's Hotel, on the Canal.
STEPHEN P. CRABSTOCK.--Iron-master, and proprietor of the Hogback
Furnace--a man who in spite of his adherence to the dangerous
doctrines of the Whigs, has arisen from poverty to wealth by his
own exertions.
AUGUSTUS POSTLETHWAITE TOMPKINSON.--Editor of The Thorough Blue Whole
Team--a paper characterized by its mendacity, its ferocity, and
utter disregard of the feelings of the purest New Lights in the
nation. A bitter enemy of the Hon. Middleton Flam, and having the
audacity to speak lightly of the President of the United States.
JOHN SMITH.--A gentleman generally known throughout the Union, and
several times run for Congress.
OF DOUBTFUL POLITICS.
JESSE FERRET.--Inn-keeper and proprietor of The Hero--a cautious man,
and somewhat afraid of his wife.
SAM HARDESTY.--Carpenter, so much under the weather as to have had no
time to make up his mind, notwithstanding Mr. Flam's generosity
toward him.
QUIPES.--House and sign, plain and ornamental painter, glazier, and
artist in the portrait and landscape line.
NICHOLAS HARDUP.--Cattle dealer, a borrower of money from Mr. Flam,
and, strange to tell, not yet satisfactorily settled in his
opinions.
ISAIAH CRAPE.--Undertaker and conductor of funerals--Cabinet and
furnishing store-keeper.
SERGEANT TRAP.--On the recruiting service at Quodlibet.
HIS DRUMMER.--A short and ferocious martialist.
CHARLEY MOGGS.--Boss loafer of Bickerbray, and promoted in the army as
Sergeant Trap's fifer.
WOMEN.
MRS. MIDDLETON FLAM.--Lady of our member, and mother of a large family.
MISS JANET FLAM.--Sister of Mr. Middleton.
MADEMOISELLE JONQUILLE.--French Governess to the Misses Flam.
POLLY FERRET.--Commander-in-chief of all the forces of The Hero.
SUSAN BARNDOLLAR.--Her daughter, wife of Barndollar & Hardbottle, and
remarkable for having her own opinion.
MRS. YOUNGHUSBAND.--The Postmaster's lady.
MRS. SNUFFERS.--Lady of the Superintendent of the Hay Scales, a woman
of great consideration in the Borough.
HESTER HARDBOTTLE.--Maiden sister to Anthony Hardbottle.
MRS. HANDY.--Lady of the Cashier, and leader of the fashion in
Quodlibet.
HENRIETTA HANDY.--Her daughter--supposed to have been favorably
impressed by Mr. Agamemnon Flag.
MRS. TROTTER.--Mrs. Handy's housekeeper.
* * * * *
SERVANTS, ETC.--Sam, the waiter; William, the footman; Nace, the
coachman; and Sarah, the maid, in Mr. Handy's service. Black Isaac,
Kent bugle player; Yellow Josh, clarionet--Cicero, Neal Hopper's
factotum. Billy Spike, Abel Brawn's fly-flapper, etc. etc.
QUODLIBET.
CHAPTER I.
ANTIQUITIES OF QUODLIBET--MICHAEL GRANT'S TANYARD DESTROYED BY
THE CANAL--CONSEQUENCES OF THIS EVENT--TWO DISTINGUISHED
INDIVIDUALS TAKE UP THEIR RESIDENCE IN THE
BOROUGH--ESTABLISHMENT OF THE PATRIOTIC COPPERPLATE
BANK--CIRCUMSTANCES WHICH LED TO AND FOLLOWED THAT
MEASURE--MICHAEL GRANT'S OBJECTIONS TO IT.
It was at the close of the year 1833, or rather, I should say, at the
opening of the following spring, that our Borough of Quodlibet took that
sudden leap to greatness which has, of late, caused it to be so much
talked about. Our folks are accustomed to set this down to the Removal
of the Deposits. Indeed, until that famous event, Quodlibet was, as one
might say in common parlance, a place not worth talking about--it might
hardly be remarked upon the maps. But since that date, verily, like
Jeshurun, it has waxed fat. It has thus come to pass that "The Removal"
is a great epoch in our annals--our Hegira--the A. U. C. of all
Quodlibetarians.
Michael Grant, a long time ago--that is to say, full twenty years--had
a tanyard on Rumblebottom Creek, occupying the very ground which is now
covered by the canal basin. Even as far back as that day he had laid up,
out of the earnings of his trade, a snug sum of money, which sufficed to
purchase the farm where he now lives at the foot of the Hogback.
Quodlibet, or that which now is Quodlibet, was then as nothing.
Michael's dwelling house and tanyard, Abel Brawn's blacksmith-shop,
Christy M'Curdy's mill, and my school-house, made up the sum-total of
the settlement. It is now ten years, or hard on to it, since the
commissioners came this way and put the cap-sheaf on Michael's worldly
fortune by ruining his tanyard and breaking up his business, whereof the
damage was so taken to heart by the jury that, in their rage against
internal improvements, they brought in a verdict which doubled Mr.
Grant's estate in ready money, besides leaving him two acres of town
lots bordering on the basin, and which, they say, are worth more to-day
than the whole tanyard with its appurtenances ever was worth in its best
time. This verdict wrought a strange appetite in our county, among the
landholders, to be ruined in the same way; and I truly believe it was a
chief cause of the unpopularity of internal improvements in this
neighborhood, that the commissioners were only able to destroy the farms
on the lowlands--which fact, it was said, brought down the price of the
uplands on the whole line of the canal, besides creating a great deal of
ill humor among all who were out of the way of being damaged.
With the money which this verdict brought him, Mr. Grant improved a
part of his two acres--which he was persuaded to cut up into town
lots--by building the brick tavern, and the store that stands next door
to it. These were the first buildings of any note in Quodlibet, and are
generally supposed to have given rise to the incorporation of the
Borough by the Legislature. Jesse Ferret took a lease of the tavern as
soon as it was finished, and set up the sign of "The Hero"--meaning
thereby General Jackson--which, by-the-by, was the first piece of
historical painting that the celebrated Quipes ever attempted. The store
was rented by Frederick Barndollar for his son Jacob, who was just then
going to marry Ferret's daughter Susan, and open in the Iron and Flour
Forwarding and Commission line, in company with Anthony Hardbottle, his
own brother-in-law.
This was the state of things in Quodlibet five years before "The
Removal," from which period, up to the date of the Removal, although
Barndollar & Hardbottle did a tolerable business, and Ferret had a fair
run of custom, there were not above a dozen new tenements built in the
Borough. But a bright destiny was yet in reserve for Quodlibet; and as I
propose to unfold some incidents of its history belonging to these later
times, I cannot pretermit the opportunity now afforded me to glance,
though in a perfunctory and hasty fashion, at some striking events which
seemed to presignify and illustrate its marvelously sudden growth.
I think it was in the very month of the Removal of the Deposits, that
Theodore Fog broke up at Tumbledown, on the other side of the Hogback,
and came over to Quodlibet to practice law. And it was looked upon as a
very notable thing, that, in the course of the following winter,
Nicodemus Handy should have also quitted Tumbledown and brought his
sign, as a lottery agent, to Quodlibet, and set up that business in our
Borough. There was a wonderful intimacy struck up between him and Fog,
and a good many visits were made by Nicodemus during the fall, before he
came over to settle. Our people marveled at this matter, and were not a
little puzzled to make out the meaning of it, knowing that Nicodemus
Handy was a shrewd man, and not likely, without some good reason for it,
to strike up a friendship with a person so little given to business as
Theodore Fog, against whom I desire to say nothing, holding his
abilities in great respect, but meaning only to infer that as Theodore
is considered high-flown in his speech, and rather too fond of living
about Ferret's bar-room, it was thought strange that Nicodemus, who is
plain spoken, and of the Temperance principle, should have taken up with
him. It was not long after Mr. Handy had seated himself in Quodlibet,
and placed his sign at the door of a small weather-boarded office, ten
feet by twelve, and within a stone-throw of Fog's, before the public
were favored with an insight into the cause of this intimacy between
these two friends. This was disclosed in a plan for establishing The
Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet, the particulars whereof were
made known at a meeting held in the dining-room of "The Hero" one
evening in March, when Theodore Fog made a flowery speech on the subject
to ten persons, counting Ferret and Nim Porter the bar-keeper. The
capital of the bank was proposed to be half a million, and the stock one
hundred dollars a share, of which one dollar was to be paid in, and the
remainder to be secured by promissory notes, payable on demand, if
convenient.
This excellent scheme found many supporters; and, accordingly, when the
time came for action, the whole amount was subscribed by Handy and Fog
and ten of their particular friends, who had an eye to being directors
and officers of the bank--to whom might also be added about thirty
boatmen, who, together with the boys of my academy, lent their names to
Mr. Handy.
Through the liberality of Fog, the necessary cash was supplied out of
three hundred dollars, the remains of a trust fund in his hands
belonging to a family of orphans in the neighborhood of Tumbledown, who
had not yet had occasion to know from their attorney, the said Theodore
Fog himself, of their success in a cause relating to this fund which had
been gained some months before. As Nicodemus managed the subscriptions,
which indeed he did with wonderful skill, these three hundred dollars
went a great way in making up the payments on considerably more than the
majority of the stock: and this being adjusted, he undertook a visit to
the Legislature, where, through the disinterested exertions of some
staunch Democratic friends, he procured a most unexceptionable charter
for the bank, full of all sorts of provisions, conditions, and clauses
necessary to enable it to accommodate the public with as much paper
money as the said public could possibly desire.
In consideration of these great services, Nicodemus Handy elected
himself Cashier; and, at the same time, had well-nigh fallen into a
quarrel with Fog, who had set his heart upon being President--which, in
view of the fact that that gentleman's habits were somewhat irregular
after twelve o'clock in the day, Nicodemus would by no means consent to.
This dissension, however, was seemingly healed, by bringing in as
President my worshipful pupil, the Hon. Middleton Flam, now our member
of Congress, and by making Theodore one of the directors, besides giving
him the law business of the bank. It was always thought, notwithstanding
Fog pretended to be satisfied at the time with this arrangement, that it
rankled in his bosom, and bred a jealousy between him and his associates
in the bank, and helped to drive him to drinking faster than he would
naturally have done, if his feelings had not been aggravated by this act
of supposed ingratitude.
I should not omit to mention that Nicodemus Handy was a man of exact
and scrupulous circumspection, and noted for the deliberation with which
he weighed the consequences of his actions, or, as the common saying is,
"looked before he leapt"--a remarkable proof of which kind of wisdom he
afforded at this time. Having been compelled by circumstances to live
beyond the avails of his lottery business, and thereby to bring himself
under some impracticable liabilities, he made it a point of conscience,
before he could permit himself to be clothed with the dignity of a
cashier, or even to place a share of stock in his own name on the books,
to swear out in open court, and to surrender, for the benefit of
his numerous and patient creditors, his whole stock of worldly
goods--consisting, according to the inventory thereof on record, which I
have seen, of a cylindrical sheet-iron stove, two chairs, a desk and a
sign-board, this latter being, as I remember, of the shape of a screen,
on each leaf of which "NICODEMUS HANDY" was printed, together with the
scheme of a lottery, set forth in large red and blue letters. He barely
retained what the law allowed him, being his mere wearing apparel; to
wit, a bran new suit of black superfine Saxony, one dozen of the best
cambric linen shirts, as many lawn pocket handkerchiefs, white kid
gloves, and such other trivial but gentlemanlike appurtenances as
denoted that extreme neatness of dress in which Mr. Handy has ever taken
a just pride, and which has been so often remarked by his friends as one
of the strong points in his character. These articles, it was said, he
had procured not more with a provident eye to that state of destitution
into which the generous surrender of his property was about to plunge
him, than with a decent regard to the respectability of appearance which
the public, he conceived, had a right to exact from the Cashier of the
Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet. All right-minded persons will
naturally commend this prudence, and applaud Mr. Handy's sense of the
dignity proper to so important and elevated a station--a station which
Theodore Fog, in his speech at "The Hero," so appropriately eulogized as
one "of financial, fiscal, and monetary responsibility."
There was one circumstance connected with the history of the
establishment of the bank that excited great observation among our
folks: that was the dislike Michael Grant took up against it from its
very beginning. It was an indiscriminate, unmitigable, dogged dislike to
the whole concern, which, by degrees, brought him into a bad opinion of
our Borough, and I verily believe was the cause why, from that time
forward, he kept himself so much at his farm near the Hogback, and grew
to be, as if it were out of mere opposition, so unhappily, and indeed I
may say, so perversely stubborn in those iniquitous Whig sentiments
which he was in the habit of uttering. I have heard him say that he
thought as badly as a man could think, of the grounds for starting the
bank, and still worse of the men who started it,--which, certainly, was
a very rash expression, considering that our congressman, the Hon.
Middleton Flam, was President and one of the first patrons of the
institution, and that such a man as Nicodemus Handy was Cashier; to say
nothing of Theodore Fog, whose habits, we are willing to confess, might,
in the estimation of some men, give some little color to my worthy
friend's vituperation.
Now, there was no man in Quodlibet whom Handy and Fog so much desired,
or strove so hard, to bring into the bank scheme as Mr. Grant. They made
every sort of effort and used all kinds of arguments to entice him.
Nicodemus Handy on one occasion, I think it was in April, put the matter
to him in such strong points of view, that I have often marveled since
how the good gentleman stood it. He argued, with amazing cogency, that
General Jackson had removed the deposits for the express purpose of
destroying the Bank of the United States, and giving the State banks a
fair field: that the Old Hero was an enthusiastic friend to State
rights, and especially to State banks, which it was the desire of his
heart to see increased and multiplied all over the country; that he was
actually, as it were, making pets out of these banks, and was determined
to feed them up with the public moneys and give them such a credit in
the land as would forever shut out all hope to the friends of a National
Bank to succeed with their purpose: and, finally, that although Clay and
the Whigs were endeavoring to resist the General in his determination to
establish new banks in the States, that resistance was already
considered hopeless. It was with a visible air of triumph that Mr.
Handy, in confirmation of this opinion, read from the Globe of the 21st
of December previous these words:--
"The intelligent people of the West know how to maintain their
rights and independence, and to repel oppression. Although foiled
in the beginning, every Western State is about to establish a State
bank institution. They are resolved to avail themselves of their
own State credit, as well as of the National credit, to maintain a
currency independent of foreign control. Mr. Clay's presses in
Kentucky begin now to feel how vain are all their efforts to resist
the determination of the people of the West. Ohio, Indiana,
Illinois, Missouri, and Kentucky are resolved to take care of
themselves, and no longer depend on the kind guardianship of
Biddle, Clay & Co."
Having laid this fact before Mr. Grant, by way of clinching the
argument Mr. Handy pulled out of his pocket a letter which he had
just received from the Secretary of the Treasury. It contained a
communication of the deepest import to the future fortunes of our
Borough; which communication, as I have been favored by Mr. Handy with a
copy, I feel happy to transcribe here for the edification of my reader.
It is a circular, and came to our cashier printed on gilt-edged
letter-paper, having the title of the bank, the date, and some other
items filled up in writing.
"TREASURY DEPARTMENT, _April_ 1, 1834.
"SIR:--The Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet has been
selected by this Department as the depository of the public money
collected in Quodlibet and its vicinity; and the Marshal will hand
you the form of a contract proposed to be executed, with a copy of
his instructions from this Department. In selecting your
institution as one of the fiscal agents of the government, I not
only rely on its solidity and established character, as affording a
sufficient guarantee for the safety of the public money intrusted
to its keeping, but I confide also in its disposition to adopt the
most liberal course which circumstances will admit toward other
moneyed institutions generally, and particularly those in your
vicinity. The deposits of the public money will enable you to
afford increased facilities to commerce, and to extend your
accommodations to individuals; and as the duties which are payable
to the government arise from the business and enterprise of the
merchants engaged in foreign trade, it is but reasonable that they
should be preferred in the additional accommodations which the
public deposits will enable your institution to give, whenever it
can be done without injustice to the claims of other classes of the
community.
"I am, etc., R. B. TANEY,
"_Secretary of the Treasury_.
"_To the President of the Patriotic Copperplate Bank of
Quodlibet._"
"There, sir," said Mr. Handy, after he had read this paper to Mr.
Grant--"read that over again and tell me if there is any Quodlibetarian
that ought not to rejoice in this great event, and lend his endeavors,
with both heart and soul, to promote and sustain an institution so
favored by the government. The Secretary, you perceive, has confidence
in the 'solidity and established character' of our bank--how can you
refuse _your_ confidence after that? Sir, the Secretary is an honor to
the Democracy of Quodlibet:--what does he say? Does he tell us to keep
the public moneys locked up only for the selfish purposes of the
government? Oh no: far from it; 'the deposits' says he, 'will enable you
to afford increased facilities to commerce, and to extend your
accommodations to individuals.' Mark that! there's a President and
Secretary for you! True friends, Mr. Grant--true friends to the people.
How careful are they of our great mercantile and trading classes! Sir,
the government cannot do too much for such people as we are--that's the
true Democratic motto--we _expect_ a great deal--but they outrun our
expectations. No more low prices for grain, Mr. Grant--no more scarcity
of money:--accommodation is the word--better currency is the word--high
prices, good wages and plenty of work is the word now-a-days. We shall
have a city here before you can cleverly turn yourself round. Depend
upon it, sir, we are destined to become a great, glorious, and immortal
people."
"Sir," said Theodore Fog, interposing at this moment, with a look that
wore a compound expression of thoughtful sternness and poetical
frenzy--"when the historic muse shall hereafter contemplate the humble
origin of Quodlibet----"
"Fog," interrupted Nicodemus, somewhat petulantly--and I feel sorry to
be obliged to record this inconsiderate language--"Blame the historic
muse!--we are now on business."
"As a director, sir," replied Fog, with a subdued air, but with a
dignified gravity, "I have a _right_ to speak. I meant to say, sir, in
plain phrase, that Quodlibet must inevitably, from this day forth, under
the proud auspices of democratic principles--obedient to that native
impulse which the profound statesmanship of this people-sustaining and
people-sustained administration has imparted to it, soar aloft to place
herself upon the proud pinnacle of commercial prosperity, wealth, and
power. I have no doubt, Mr. Grant, your tavern lot will increase to
three times its present value. You _ought_ to take stock;--let me tell
you, sir, as a citizen of Quodlibet, you ought. As to the cash, that's a
bagatelle. Handy and I can let you have any number of shares on your own
terms. Flam will do anything we say to let you in. By-the-by, he got us
the deposits. Flam's a man of influence--but whether on the whole he
will make us the best President we could have procured, is perhaps
somewhat apocryphal."
"You cannot fail to see," said Mr. Handy, "that we must all make our
fortunes, if the government is only true to its word; and who can doubt
it will be true? We start comparatively with nothing, I may say,
speaking of myself--absolutely with nothing. We shall make a large issue
of paper, predicated upon the deposits; we shall accommodate everybody,
as the Secretary desires--of course, not forgetting our friends, and
more particularly ourselves:--we shall pay, in this way, our stock
purchases. You may run up a square of warehouses on the Basin; I will
join you as a partner in the transaction, give you the plan of
operations, furnish architectural models, supply the funds, et cetera,
et cetera. We will sell out the buildings at a hundred per cent. advance
before they are finished; Fog here will be the purchaser. We have then
only to advertise in the papers this extraordinary rise of property
in Quodlibet--procure a map to be made of our new city; get it
lithographed, and immediately sell the lots on the Exchange of New York
at a most unprecedented valuation. My dear sir, I have just bought a
hundred acres of land adjoining the Borough, with an eye to this very
speculation. You shall have an interest of one-half in this operation at
a reasonable valuation--I shall want but a small profit, say two hundred
per cent.--a mere trifle--in consideration of my labors in laying it off
into streets, lanes, and alleys;--and if there is any convenience in it
to you--although I know you are a moneyed man--you have only to make a
proposal for a slice of accommodation--just drop a note now and then
into the discount box. You understand. The Secretary will be delighted,
my dear sir, to hear of our giving an accommodation to you. But there's
one thing, Mr. Grant, I must not forget to remark--the Secretary, in
fact, makes it a sort of _sine qua non_--you must come out a
genuine--declare yourself a Whole Hog--and go for Flam in the
fall elections. The Secretary expects, you know," and as he said
this he laid his finger significantly upon his nose, "that the
accommodation principle--is to be measurably--extended--in proportion to
the--Democracy--of the applicants. You understand?--a word to the
wise--that's all. It couldn't be expected, you perceive, that we,
holding the deposits, should be quite as favorable to the Whigs, who
rather charge us with experimenting on the currency--you know--and who,
in fact, don't scruple to say that our banking system will be a
failure--it couldn't be expected we should be as bountiful to them as to
those who go with us in building up this concatenation--tweedle dum and
tweedle dee, you know, betwixt you and me;--but it's made a point
of--and has its effect on ulterior expectations--you understand. The
long and the short is, without being mealy-mouthed, we must prefer the
old Hero's friends;--but, after all, that's a small matter:--be a
Democrat, and go for Flam!"
"Flam and the immutable principles of civil liberty!" said Fog, with
great animation. "Middleton Flam, the embodiment and personification of
those deep and profound truths, based upon the eternal distinctions of
the greatest good to the greatest number! Diffusive wealth, combined
capital, increased facilities to commerce, and accommodation to
individuals--there is the _multum in parvo_ of General Jackson's
Democratic creed!--there is the glorious consummation of the war with
the great money power, which, like Juggernaut, was crushing down the
liberties of our Republic!"
Michael Grant was a patient listener, and a man of few words. He stood
all the time that Fog and Handy were plying him with this discourse,
with his thumbs in his waistcoat pockets, looking down, with a grum
cogitation, at his own image in the water of the basin, on the margin of
which the parties had met, and every now and then rocking on his heels
and flapping the soles of his feet sharply on the ground, denoting, by
this movement, to those who knew his habit, that he was growing more and
more positive in his opinion. Once or twice he was observed to raise his
head, and with one eye half shut, seemed as if studying the heavens. At
length he broke out with an answer which, from the vehemence of his
tone, caused Handy and Fog to prick up their ears, and gaze upon each
other with a look of incredulous surprise.
"Your bank, gentlemen," said he, "is a humbug. Your speculation in lots,
your accommodations and the fortunes you are going to make, are humbugs.
Flam and the immutable principles of civil liberty are humbugs, and the
greatest humbug of all is your Democracy."
With these very rash and inconsiderate words, Mr. Grant turned on his
heel and walked away, leaving Handy and Fog looking significantly at
each other. From that time Mr. Grant was generally considered an enemy
to our bank, and, as far as I can learn, never had any dealings with it.
Mr. Handy set up a dry laugh as soon as Mr. Grant was out of sight, and
laughed on for some moments. At last he said, somewhat mysteriously, and
with a great deal of deliberation--
"Fog, it's my opinion that the old tanner has cut his eye teeth--what do
you think of him?"
"He labors," replied Fog, "under a sinistrous and defective obliquity
of comprehension; and from all I can make out of this colloquy, I rather
incline to the opinion that he is not _very_ willing to embark largely
in our stock." And saying this, Fog folded his arms and looked
steadfastly in Mr. Handy's face.
"Nor, as I should judge," said Handy in a kind of whisper, "is he likely
to join me in my speculation in town lots. Fog, don't forget, you will
indorse my note for the purchase-money of that hundred acres--I shall
discount it to-morrow--I like to pay cash--that was always my
principle."
"Undoubtedly--consider me a sure card in that line," replied Fog:--"it
is understood, of course, that you reciprocate the favor on my purchase
of the meadow?"
"Without question--assuredly, Fog--one good turn deserves another."
"Then, let's go up and take a drink," said Fog, imitating the tone of a
tragedy-player--"we'll call it twelve, although my dial points but half
way from eleven."
"You know I never drink," quoth Handy.
"Then come and look on me while I that act perform," said Theodore.
"Agreed," said Nicodemus. And thereupon these trusty friends went
straight to Nim Porter's bar.
CHAPTER II.
GREAT USEFULNESS OF THE BANK--SURPRISING GROWTH OF
QUODLIBET--SOME ACCOUNT OF THE HON. MIDDLETON FLAM--ORIGIN
OF HIS DEMOCRACY--HIS LOGICAL ARGUMENT IN FAVOR OF THE
POCKETING OF THE BILL TO REPEAL THE SPECIE CIRCULAR--THE
DEMOCRATIC PRINCIPLE AS DEVELOPED IN THE REPRESENTATIVE
SYSTEM.
In the course of the first year after The Removal, or as I should say,
in the year One--speaking after our manner in Quodlibet--the bank made
itself very agreeable to everybody. Mr. Flam came home from Congress
after the end of the long session, and found everything prospering
beyond his most sanguine expectations. Nicodemus Handy had put a new
weather-boarded room to the back of his office for the use of the
Directors, and the banking business was transacted in the front
apartment where Nicodemus used to sell lottery tickets. There was one
thing that strangers visiting Quodlibet were accustomed to remark upon
in a jocular vein, regarding the bank--and that was the sign which was
placed, as it were parapet-wise, along the eaves of the roof, and being
of greater longitude than the front of the building, projected
considerably at either end. Quipes has been held responsible for this,
but I know that he could not help it, on account of the length of the
name, which, nevertheless, it is due to him to say he endeavored, very
much to my discontent, to shorten, both by orthographical device and by
abbreviation, having painted it thus--
THE PATRIOTI^{C} COPERPLAT^{E} BANK OF QUODLI^{bet};
notwithstanding which, it overran the dimensions of the tenement to
which it was attached. I say strangers sometimes facetiously alluded to
this discrepancy, by observing that the bank was like the old Hero
himself, too great for the frame that contained it. And, truly, the bank
did a great business! Mr. Handy, who is acknowledged to be a man of
taste, procured one of the handsomest plates, it is supposed, that
Murray, Draper & Fairman ever executed, and with about six bales of
pinkish silk paper, and a very superior cylinder press, created an
amount of capital which soon put to rest old Mr. Grant's grumbling about
the want of solidity in the bank, and fully justified the Secretary's
declaration of his confidence in its "established character as affording
a sufficient guarantee for the safety of the public money intrusted to
its keeping."
As a proof how admirably matters were conducted by Mr. Handy, the
Directors soon found no other reason to attend at the Board than now and
then to hold a chat upon politics and smoke a cigar; and the President,
the Hon. Middleton Flam, having his October election on hand, was so
thoroughly convinced of Nicodemus's ability, that I do not believe he
went into the bank more than half a dozen times during the whole season.
It was in the course of this year, and pretty soon after the bank got
the deposits, that Mr. Handy began his row of four story brick
warehouses on the Basin, which now goes by the name of Nicodemus Row. He
also laid the foundation of his mansion on the hill, fronting upon Handy
Place; and which edifice he subsequently finished, so much to the
adornment of our Borough, with a Grecian portico in front, and an
Italian veranda looking toward the garden. As his improvements advanced
in this and the next year, he successively reared a Temple of Minerva on
the top of the ice-house, a statue of Apollo in the center of the
carriage-circle, a sun-dial on a marble pillar where the garden walks
intersect, and a gilded dragon weather-cock on the cupola of the
stables. The new banking house was commenced early in the summer, and
has been finished of very beautiful granite, being in its front, if I am
rightly informed by Mr. Handy, an exact miniature copy of the Tomb of
Osymandias: it is situated on Flam Street, the first after you leave the
Basin, going northward. All the Directors, except Fog, followed the
footsteps of their illustrious predecessor, Mr. Handy, and went to work
to build themselves villas on the elevated ground back of the Borough,
now known by the name of Copperplate Ridge,--which villas were duly
completed in all manner of Greek, Roman, and Tuscan fashions. These
being likewise imitated, in turn, by many friends of the bank who
migrated hither from all parts and cast their lines in our Borough,
Quodlibet hath thereby, very suddenly, grown to be, in a figurative
sense, a pattern card of the daintiest structures of the four quarters
of the world. Perhaps I may be too fast in making so broad an
assertion--cupio non putari mendacem--I am not quite sure that, as yet,
we have any well ascertained specimen of the Asiatic: but if Nicodemus
Handy's pagoda, which he talked of building on the knoll in the center
of his training course, had not been interrupted by an untoward event,
of which it may become my duty to speak hereafter, I should, in that
case, have made no difficulty in reiterating, with a clear conscience
and without reservation, the remark which distrustfully and with claim
of allowance I have ventured above.
My valuable patron not being resident actually within the Borough, and
being, as I have said, very busy in the matter of his election during
the greater part of the first year of the bank, had not much opportunity
to devote himself to its concerns. But the Directors, partly aware of
their own knowledge, how valuable was his influence with the Secretary,
and partly persuaded thereof by the Cashier, established, with a
liberality which Mr. Handy remarked at the time was exceedingly
gentlemanlike, his salary as President at three thousand dollars a
year--which sum, Mr. Flam himself has, more than once in my hearing,
averred upon his honor, he did not consider one cent too much. And
indeed, I feel myself bound to express my concurrence in this opinion,
when I reflect upon the weight of his character, the antiquity of his
family, the preponderance of his strong Democratic sentiments, and the
expenses to which, as President, he was exposed in looking after the
interests of the bank--more especially in the journeys to Washington,
whereof I have heard him speak, for the purpose of explaining matters to
the Secretary.
Connected with this matter of salary, and as having a natural
propinquity to the subject, I may here cursorily, for I design to be
more particular on this point hereafter, claim the privilege to enter a
little into the family matters of my patron. And on this head, I would
observe that the household of Mr. Flam is large. Of a truth, as some
philosopher has remarked, mouths are not fed, nor bodies clad, without
considerable of the wherewithal! There is Mrs. Flam, the venerated
consort of our representative--a lady most honorably conducive to the
multiplication of the strength and glory of this land; there is,
likewise, Mr. Flam's sister Janet--truly an honor to her sex for
instructive discourse and exemplary life; and there is Master Middleton,
Junior, with his four sisters and three brothers, who may be all
ranged into the semblance of a step-ladder. Great is Mr. Flam's
parental tenderness toward this happy progeny--the reduplication and
retriplication, if I may so express it, of himself and their respectable
mamma. Yielding to the solicitude inspired by this tenderness, almost
the first thing which our representative did, after the establishment of
the bank--the means having thereby come the better to his hand--was to
send Master Middleton, Junior, who was very urgent in his entreaties to
that point, to Europe, that the young gentleman, by two or three years
travel, might witness the distresses and oppressions of monarchical
government, and become confirmed in his democratic sentiments. A
refinement of sensibility in Mr. Flam, which I might almost denominate
fastidious, has also operated with him to require the education of his
daughters to be conducted under his own roof. He would never hear, for
one moment, any persuasion to trust them, even at their earliest age, in
the public school--considerately fearful lest they might form intimacies
unbecoming the station to which he destined them in after-life. They
have consequently been placed under the special tuition of a most
estimable lady, Mademoiselle Jonquille, a resident governess, who is
enjoined to speak to them nothing but French. This lady, among other
things, teaches them music, and is aided in the arduous duties allotted
to her by a drawing-master of acknowledged ability in water-colors, and
a very superior professor of dancing, who instructs them in the elegant
accomplishment of waltzing and galloping, which, Mr. Flam says, is
now-a-days held to be indispensable in the first Democratic circles at
Washington, where it has always been his design to introduce the young
ladies into high life.
It will not be out of place here to mention that the worthy subject of
this desultory memoir, my patron and former pupil, inherited a large
fortune from his father, the late Judge Flam, who was especially honored
by old John Adams, or, as the better phrase is, the elder Adams, with an
appointment to the bench on the night of the third of March, Anno Domini
1801; and I have often heard Mr. Middleton say that his father had, up
to the day of his lamented departure from this world, which melancholy
event happened in the year of our Lord 1825, the greatest respect for
General Jackson; which liking for the Old Hero descended to his son,
along with the family estate, and serves satisfactorily to account for
my former pupil's ardent attachment to Democratic principles, as in the
sequel I shall make appear.
I do not desire to conceal the fact that Judge Flam, and even Mr.
Middleton himself, for some years after he came to man's estate, were
both reputed to belong to what was generally, at that time, denominated
and known by the appellation of the Old Federal party, and what, in
common parlance, has been sometimes scoffingly termed The Black Cockade;
and that the Judge, who was always noted for being very stiff in his
opinions, maintained his connection nominally with that party until the
day of his death. I mention this not in derogation of Mr. Middleton our
representative, but rather in the way of commendation, because I am by
this fact the more strongly confirmed in my admiration of the greatness
of his character--seeing that his conversion to Democracy is the pure
result of reflection and conviction, which is more laudable, in my
humble thinking, than to be "a born veteran Democrat," as I once heard a
great man boast himself.
Now this conversion being a notable matter, I can by no means pretermit
a veritable account of it, which happens to be fully within my power to
disclose, I being, as I may say, a witness to the whole course of it.
Everybody remembers that most signal of all the literary productions of
General Jackson's various and illustrious pen, his letter to Mr. Monroe,
dated the 12th of November, Anno Domini 1816. It came--in the language
of my venerated friend, Judge Flam--like the sound of a trumpet upon the
ears of all of the Old Federalists. "Now is the time," says General
Jackson, in that immortal letter, which I transcribed, as soon as I saw
it in print, into my book of memorable things, and which I now quote
_verbatim et literatim_:--
"Now is the time to exterminate that monster called Party Spirit.
By selecting characters most conspicuous for their probity, virtue,
capacity, and firmness, without any regard to party, you will go
far to, if not entirely, eradicate those feelings which, on former
occasions, threw so many obstacles in the way, and perhaps have the
pleasure and honor of uniting a people heretofore politically
divided. The Chief Magistrate of a great and powerful nation should
never indulge in party feelings. His conduct should be liberal and
disinterested, always bearing in mind that he acts for the whole,
and not a part of the community."
This letter of the last of the Romans was published in the National
Intelligencer, and I happened to be with Judge Flam when it first met
his eye. He was sipping his tea. The venerable Judge read it twice; took
up the cup, and, in a musing, thoughtful mood, burnt his mouth with the
hot liquid so badly that he was obliged to call for cold water.--Just at
that moment, Middleton, his son, came into the parlor: he had been out
shooting partridges.
"My dear Middleton, read that," said the Judge.
Middleton sat down and read it; and then looked intently at his father,
waiting to hear what he would say.
"Middleton, my son," said he in a very deliberate and emphatic manner,
"There's our man. General Jackson has been called a Hero--he's a Sage, a
wise man, a very wise man. _We_ have been kept in the mire too long:
these Jeffersons and Madisons, and Nicholases and Randolphs, and all
that Virginia Junto (I think that was the very word he used) have
trodden us in the dust. They, with all the Democracy at their back, have
lorded it over us for sixteen years. We owe them an old grudge. _But our
time is coming_, (this expression he repeated twice.) Remember, my son,
if ever you get into a majority, stick to it. Bring up your children to
it. You have a long account to settle:--_I shall bequeath to you the
Vengeance of the Federal party_. We must rally at once upon Andrew
Jackson. He will bring _us_ what it is fashionable to call 'the
people.'--We shall bring _him_ the talent, the intelligence, and the
patriotism of the land. In such an alliance how can it be otherwise but
that we shall have all the power?--and then, if we fail to play our
cards with skill, we shall deserve to lose the game. Let Jackson be our
candidate for the next Presidency, and let our gathering word be, in the
sentiment of this memorable letter, 'The Union of the People and the
extermination of the Monster of Party.' Do not slumber, my son, but give
your energies to this great enterprise."
Mr. Middleton took this advice of his venerable father greatly to heart.
"Up with Jackson, and down with Party!" said he, after a long
rumination; "good, excellent--nothing can be better!" And several times
that night, before he went to bed, he audibly uttered the same words, as
he walked backward and forward across the room.
From this time Judge Flam wrote many letters to his friends, disclosing
the views he had expressed to Middleton; and by degrees the matter
ripened and ripened, until things were so contrived as to bring
about what Judge Flam used to smile and say, was "a spontaneous,
unpremeditated burst of popular feeling," in the nomination of the
General. And the Judge used to laugh outright, when the papers took
strong ground in the General's favor, as the candidate who was brought
out "without intrigue or party management." The Old Hero and Sage, we
all know, was cheated out of his first election; which circumstance
greatly embittered his early friends, who, from that time--Mr. Middleton
among the rest--took a very decided stand for Reform, Retrenchment,
Economy, and the Rights of the People.
The Judge did not live to witness this second effort which resulted so
gloriously for the Democratic cause; but his son stuck close to the Old
Hero, and was among his most ardent supporters to the last. When the
General succeeded, his first care was to show his gratitude to that
disinterested band of patriots who so freely surrendered their old
principles and abandoned their old comrades in his behalf. _He_ brought
_them_ into office, just to show that he was determined to carry out the
doctrine of his letter; and _they_ were loudest in their praise of _him_
for the sake of the _old grudge_, of which Judge Flam spoke to his son,
and to indemnify their long suffering in the cause of the country, in
the course of which they had, for so many years, been strangers to
power. So between these two persuasions, it is not to be wondered at
that they should have become the principal friends and most confidential
advisers of the General.
Having thus got upon an elevation, from whence they could look
backward upon their past errors, and forward to their future hopes, a
new light dawned upon every man of them; and thereupon they straightway
became sick and sorry for having so long sinned against Democracy, and
grew ashamed of that black cockade which George Washington wore in the
Revolution; made open renunciation of their former pretended attachment
to his principles; canonized Mr. Jefferson as a saint, whom they had
formerly reviled as the chief of sinners; purged out their old Federal
blood; took deep alterative draughts of detergent medicine; and,
finally, like true patriots, came forth regenerated, thorough-bred
whole-hog Democrats, sworn to follow the new Democratic principle
through all its meanderings, traverses, dodgings, and duckings to the
end. Indeed, Mr. Middleton Flam, our honorable representative, has more
than once, in some of his later speeches before the people, contended,
that although his father was attached to George Washington's school of
politics, which, as he remarked, naturally arose out of the prejudices
created by the revolutionary war--in which the old Judge had served as a
soldier--yet, that he, Middleton, never was truly an admirer of that
gentleman's theory of government or system of measures--but, on the
contrary, held them in marked disesteem, and from his earliest youth had
a strong inclination toward that freedom from restraint, which, in man
and boy, is the best test of the new Democratic principle. In proof of
this tendency of his youthful opinions, he mentioned, with most
admirable effect, an exploit, in which, when not more than twelve
years of age, he gallantly stood up at the head of a party of his
school-fellows to bar out the tutor and take a holiday, on the ground of
the indefeasible rights of man, with a view to attend a great political
meeting of the friends of Jefferson, just previous to the second
election of that Apostle of Democracy.
Be that as it may, our distinguished member of Congress is now, by force
of reflection and conviction, as pure, unadulterated, and, as our people
jocularly denote it, as patent a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat as Theodore
Fog himself, whose attachment to popular principles, habits, and
manners, and whose unalterable adhesion to the new Democratic theory,
are written in every line of his face and in every movement of his
body:--and so, Mr. Flam avers, is every one of his black-cockade friends
who have got an office. "Thus it is,"--if I may be allowed to quote a
beautiful sentiment from one of Fog's speeches--"thus it is, that by
degrees, the errors of old opinions are washed out by the all-pervading
ablution of the Democratic principle following in the footsteps of the
march of intellect; and so true is it, that the body politic, like
quicksilver, regurgitates and repudiates the feculence of Federalism."
Nicodemus Handy has an attachment for Mr. Flam, which is truly
fraternal. It goes so far as to prevent him from ever contradicting Mr.
Middleton in any fact, or gainsaying him in any opinion--although I did
think at one time, when Nicodemus was thought to be rich, that he was a
little bold in his sentiments on two or three matters wherein our member
differed from him. One I remember in particular; it was when the Old
Hero pocketed the Specie Circular Bill. Mr. Handy thought, for a little
while, that the circular was too hard upon the banks and the trading
people, and he seemed to insinuate that the General was rather cornered
by Congress, when they ordered its repeal by two-thirds of both Houses;
and that, consequently, as a good Democrat, he ought to have submitted
to the will of the people in that matter, and allowed them to have the
law after it was passed. Mr. Flam was diametrically opposed to him, and
proved, I thought conclusively, that, according to the sound
Quodlibetarian Democratic principle, the General was altogether right in
putting the act of Congress aside and not allowing them to overset his
plans by another vote of two-thirds. "For," he inquired with great force
of argument, adopting the Socratic form, "what is Congress? The
representatives of the people, by districts and by States. For whom can
any one man in that body speak? For his own district, or for his own
State--no more. Now, what is the President? Sir," said he, in that
solemn and impressive tone in which he addresses the House at
Washington, "the President himself has answered that question in his
immortal Protest against the Senate--he is '_the direct representative
of the American people_,' and, as he took occasion once to say in his
Message, '_It will be for those in whose behalf we all act, to decide
whether the Executive Department of the Government, in the steps which
it has taken on this subject, has been found in the line of its duty_.'
The President, sir, is the representative of the _whole_ people--not of
a district, not of a State, but of the _whole_ nation. Why should
these representatives of _the parts_ undertake to dictate to the
representative of _the whole_? It is for the people to decide whether,
in putting that bill in his pocket, he was in the line of his duty. Sir,
there is the broad buttress upon which the Democratic principle reposes,
and will repose forever. Jackson has determined, as representative of
the people, that the Specie Circular shall not be repealed, and every
true Democrat will of course say that he is right. I am surprised that
you, Handy, should give any countenance to the factious doctrine set up
by the Whigs, that Congress has a right to array itself against the
clearly expressed will of the people, when uttered through the paramount
representative of the whole nation."
Mr. Handy was evidently confounded by this unanswerable argument, and,
of course, did not attempt to answer. I confess, for my own part, I
listened with admiration and amazement at the dialectic skill with which
so abstruse a subject was so briefly yet so clearly elucidated, and I
inwardly ejaculated, in the language of the afflicted man of Uz, "How
forcible are right words!"
My late pupil's reflections were drawn to this question of the Specie
Circular with more intensity of regard, from a very natural train of
circumstances, which had great influence in inducing an elaborate study
of the subject. Mr. Handy has often said that Mr. Flam was the very best
customer our bank had from the beginning. Acting, as he always did, upon
the principle that our first care is due to those who are nearest to us,
or, according to the adage, that charity begins at home, the President
of the bank refused to borrow from any other institution, but determined
exclusively to patronize his own. This principle he carried to the
romantic extent of borrowing four times as much as anybody else; and as
he always contended for it as the most approved theorem in banking, that
the wider and the more remote the circulation of the paper of a bank,
the better for its profit, he employed these funds in the purchase of a
large quantity of the Chickasaw Reserve lands. By these means Mr. Flam
became the proprietor of a vast number of acres in that Southwest
country; and as the Specie Circular was a most laudable contrivance to
stop overtrading and speculating in the public lands, it occurred to our
worthy representative that the less the public lands were sold, the more
his would come into the market at good prices; and so, with a view to
the benefit of Quodlibet, where he expected to invest the profits, he
became a strong advocate of the Circular. This set him to studying the
question of the pocketing of the bill for its repeal, whereof I have
spoken above, and enabled him to convince himself how deeply that matter
was connected with the development of the Democratic principle in the
manner put forth in his argument to Mr. Handy.
Thus does it come to pass that, step by step, as our government rolls
on, its fundamental features are successively disclosed in the practical
operations of that sublime system which so securely intrenches the good
of the people in the doctrines of genuine Quodlibetarian Democracy, as
now of late, for the first time, fully understood and practiced.
Ever after that notable discourse, Mr. Handy showed himself, both in
private and at our public meetings, the stern, uncompromising champion
of the Specie Circular and of the broad representative character of the
President. The other questions upon which I have found him to differ
occasionally with Mr. Flam, shared pretty nearly the same fate as this.
The Cashier ultimately fell into entire harmony of sentiment in all
matters with the President; though, as I have insinuated before, in the
flood-tide of Mr. Handy's fortune, when he began to be accounted a man
of wealth, he was, in accordance with a principle of human nature
founded upon the corrupting and debasing influence of riches, much more
difficult to bring into perfect conformity of opinion with Mr. Flam,
than in the ebb. Yet, I would here remark that, almost in the same
degree that Mr. Handy yielded his assent to the doctrines of the Hon.
Middleton Flam, did the rank and file of our sturdy and independent
Democracy yield to Mr. Handy; the whole party being kept in a harmonious
agreement and accord by what Fog terms "the electric diffusion of the
Democratic principle through the whole circle of hand-in-hand,
unflinching, unwavering, uncorruptible, and power-frowning-down yeomanry
of the most virtuous and enlightened nation upon the terrestrial globe."
CHAPTER III.
FURTHER DISCOURSE RELATING TO THE HON. MIDDLETON
FLAM--CORRECTION IN THE ORTHOGRAPHY OF HIS FAMILY SEAT--HIS
RESPECT FOR THE PEOPLE--VERY ORIGINAL VIEWS ENTERTAINED
BY HIM ON THIS SUBJECT--HIS LIBERALITY IN MONEY
MATTERS--AVERSION TO THE LAW REGARDING INTEREST--DEMOCRATIC
VIEW OF THAT QUESTION--HIS ENCOURAGEMENT OF INDUSTRY AND
THE WORKING PEOPLE--INGENIOUS AND PROFOUND ILLUSTRATION OF
THE GREAT DEMOCRATIC PRINCIPLE.
Holding, as I do, our Democratic leader, the Hon. Middleton Flam, in
the most deservedly profound respect, and knowing him to be, if I may be
allowed the expression, a bright exemplar of Democracy, and containing
in himself, metaphorically speaking, the epitome of all sound opinions,
I am fully authorized by the common usage regarding public characters to
bring him and his affairs conspicuously into the view of the world, not
for censure, neither for praise, although no man is better entitled to
the latter, but for instruction. Such is the destiny of distinguished
men, that their lives are common property for the teaching of their
generation. Duly acknowledging the weight of this maxim, I shall venture
in the present chapter to give my reader a still closer insight into the
private concerns of our representative; for which task I feel myself
somewhat specially qualified, through the bountiful hospitality of that
excellent gentleman, who has not only welcomed me to his board often on
week days, and always on Sundays, but who has even flattered me, more
than once, by the remark that he would not take umbrage at such
impartial development of his life and opinions as he knew I, better than
any other of his friends, (truly herein his kindness has overrated my
worthiness,) had it in my power to make.
The old family seat of the Flams is about two miles from Quodlibet. It
is upon the Bickerbray road; and, taking in all the grounds belonging to
the domicile, the tract is somewhere about eight hundred acres; by far
the greater portion of which is a flat range of woodland and field,
watered by Grasshopper Run, which falls into the Rumblebottom. The tract
used to be called, in Judge Flam's time, "The Poplar Flats," and the
house, at that day, went by the name of "Quality Hall:" but ever since
Mr. Middleton has had it, which, as may be gathered from what I have
imparted in the last chapter, has been from the time that the old Black
Cockades began to think of turning Democrats; ever since that day the
spelling has been gradually changing, and the house now goes by the
settled name of "Equality Hall," and the tract is always written by our
people "The Popular Flats." Mr. Middleton greatly approves of this
change, for two reasons which he has had occasion to take into his
serious reflections--First; "Because," he says, "in the Quodlibetarian
Democratic system, as now understood, words are things." "Not only
things, sir," said he, in a discourse one day, at his own table, "but
important and valuable things. I have observed," he continued, "in our
country, especially among the unflinching, uncompromising Democrats,
that a name is always half the battle. For instance, sir, we wish to
destroy the bank; we have only to call it a Monster: we desire to put
down an opposition ticket, and keep the offices among ourselves; all
that we have to do is to set up a cry of Aristocracy. If we want to stop
a canal, we clamor against Consolidation: if we wish it to go on, it is
only to change the word--Develop the Resources. When it was thought
worth our while to frighten Calhoun with the notion that we were going
to hang him, we hurraed for the Proclamation; and after that, when we
wanted to gain over his best friends to our side--State-Rights was the
word. Depend upon it, gentlemen, with the true Quodlibetarian Democracy,
names are things: that is the grand secret of the 'New-Light system.'"
Mr. Flam's second reason for approving the change in the spelling of
Poplar Flats and Quality Hall, did not depend upon such a philosophical
subtlety as the first; it was simply because he had very nigh lost his
first election to Congress from inattention to this material point of
orthography. Quality Hall, some of the Democrats of our region were
unreasonable and headstrong enough to say, was not so Democratic a name
as their candidate ought to have for his place of residence; and if it
had not been that our representative discovered this in time to convince
them that it was an old-fashioned way of spelling Equality Hall, I
believe, in my conscience, he would have made out very badly: but
luckily for this district, and I may say, for the nation, this error in
spelling was corrected in time to set all straight; and Mr. Flam, from
that day, not only put the E before the Q, but, in token of that
incident, and by way of a remembrancer, always spoke of Equality Hall as
built upon Popular Flats, which sounded very well in the ears of the New
Lights, and no doubt went a great way to keep him in Congress ever
after. Therefore I repeat, after my patron and friend, words _are_
things;--and, democratically speaking, in the sense of a New Light, I
might even say _better_ than things.
Equality Hall is a building which looks larger than it is, from the
circumstance that it was originally a one-storied, irregular cottage of
brick, but in the Judge's time a second story was put to it; and, almost
immediately after Mr. Middleton came to be the owner, he enlarged the
eastern gable by widening it to nearly forty feet, and building it up
considerably above the roof, and then adding to it a grand Grecian
Temple porch with niches for statues, and with fluted Doric columns of
wood, which thus constituted what Mr. Middleton calls his facade and
principal front to the building. The effect of this piece of
magnificence was to screen the old-cottage from view, and to impress the
beholder with the idea of a grand building peeping out upon the
Bickerbray road between the foliage of two weeping willows, which the
old Judge put there before Mr. Jefferson's election.
I have heard some fastidious, not to say malevolent critics, find
fault with this new addition to the building, upon the score that it had
too much pretense about it; and that one was always disappointed upon
finding all this grandeur of outside to be but a mere piece of
theatrical show, without having anything to correspond to it within. Mr.
Flam has heard the same objection, but he has always treated it with the
contempt it deserved. "It _was_ intended for show," he observed one day
addressing the people from the hustings, when he had occasion to notice
a remark of one of these caviling gentlemen, who had said something
about having walked behind the portico to find the house--and I
shall never forget how his eye kindled and his form dilated as he
spoke--"Show, sir! Of course, it was put there for show. What else could
it be put for? What is any portico put up for? It faces toward the road,
sir--it was designed to face toward the road. When I built that portico,
I wished the people, sir, to see it; the best I have shall always be
shown to the people. I trust, sir, that my respect for the people shall
never so far abate, as to induce me to neglect _them_. My house, sir,
intrinsically is that of an humble citizen; there are a dozen equal to
it in this county; but that part of it which is intended to gratify the
people is unsurpassed here or anywhere else. I have laid out, sir, a
small fortune on that portico to gratify the people: all that I have
comes from them--all that I ever expect to be, I hope to derive from
them: who has so good a right as they to require me to put my best foot
foremost, when they are the spectators? On the same principle, sir, when
I appear in public, I dress in the most expensive attire, I drive the
best horses, and procure the finest coach. My turnout is altogether
elaborate, studiously particular--simply because I hold the people in
too much esteem, to shab them off with anything of a secondary quality,
while Providence has blessed me with the means of providing them the
best. That, sir, is what I call a keystone principle in the arch of
Democratic government: that is the sentiment, and that alone, which is
to give perpetuity to this----"
"Fair fabric of freedom," said Theodore Fog, who was among the auditory,
and perceived that Mr. Flam hesitated for a word to convey his idea.
"Thank you, my friend," courteously replied Mr. Flam, "I am indebted to
you for the word--fair fabric of freedom."
Coming back from this digression, which I have the rather indulged
because of the eloquence, as well as the just Democratic sentiment it
breathes, I proceed with my sketch of the homestead of our distinguished
leader of the politics of Quodlibet.
If I were asked what constituted the most striking feature in the
arrangements of this very admirable establishment, I should say it was
the judicious admixture of a laudable economy, with the greatest
possible effect in the way of outward exhibition. For instance, the
grounds were embellished with sundry structures, apparently at great
cost, and producing a most satisfactory impression on the eye, but
which, when examined, would be found to be, for the most part, painted
imitations of a very cheap kind. Thus there was to be seen from the
portico, peering above a thicket on the Grasshopper Run, an old castle
with ivy-crowned battlements, greatly enriching the view; at the end of
the long walk in the garden, a magnificent obelisk rose forty feet above
a bed of asparagus; the entrance to the stable-yard was through the
Gothic archway of an old chapel, exceeding pleasant to behold; and the
ice pond was guarded by a palisade composed of muskets, lances, swords,
shields, and cannon, flanked at each end by a pile of drums and colors.
All these several embellishments a nice observation would determine to
be executed in oil painting, upon wooden screens sawed into the
requisite figures. But even this expense would, perhaps, have been
avoided, had it not been that Quipes, our artist, owed Mr. Flam
twenty-five dollars on account of a debt which Mr. Flam had to pay for
him, to get him out of jail, for the sake of his vote, when we first
elected our public-spirited representative to Congress. Owing to this
circumstance, connected with the fact that Sam Hardesty, the joiner,
became insolvent on his contract for building the big portico, whereby
Mr. Flam was obliged to advance money to him in order to get it
finished, our member conceived that it would be a good plan to work
these debts out of his two friends, by setting them about the
decorations I have described. Besides, he reasoned with himself that it
was always well to give employment to the working people about him, with
a view to encourage industry and afford a practical illustration of the
benignant influence of the great Democratic principle upon society--a
consideration which Mr. Flam on no occasion ever permitted himself to
lose sight of. By this judicious management he accomplished a fourfold
purpose: namely, the beautifying of Popular Flats; the execution of
these rich specimens of art, at less than half their value; the
employment of two very meritorious fragments of the people; and, above
all, a most satisfactory development of the excellence and usefulness of
the great New-Light Democratic principle.
Mr. Flam never was what you might call a moneyed man. For although his
farms were very productive, and he had a considerable income from stock
in the United States Bank; and although the expenses of his family were
very far short of what the world might, from the show he made, suppose
them to be; yet he was in the habit of parting with his money as fast as
it came to hand. There were a great number of deserving but needy
persons who were often at the Popular Flats, and who did not hesitate to
borrow all the funds Mr. Flam could spare, (if he had a fault it was the
generosity of his lendings,) and in this way to keep him, as he has
often told me himself, very bare. To make sure against loss he had the
prudence never to lend without bond and mortgage, with a power of
attorney to confess judgment; and as he ever avowed what he called his
most irrevocable opinion, that the interest law was exceedingly
oppressive upon the industry of the country, he invariably made his own
bargain on that point--sagaciously remarking, as I once heard him to
Nicholas Hardup, the cattle dealer, who was under execution upon a
judgment, and came to borrow the amount from Mr. Flam, "Money, sir, is a
commodity like wheat or cattle; its value is regulated by the relations
of supply and demand. Society will never prosper till that principle is
universally recognized. _We_ go for it, Mr. Hardup, as cardinal in the
Democratic creed. Labor, to be free, requires that the money contract
also should be free. Why should the poor man pay six per cent. when
money is worth but five? Why should he be prevented paying seven, eight,
or nine, even, if he finds it his interest to give it--or cannot do
without it? No, sir, Equal Rights, Liberty of Conscience, and
Unrestricted Freedom of Contract--there is the buttress of Democratic
government!"
It often happened, as such things will happen, that Mr. Flam became the
loser by his generosity; and as it was a maxim with him to inculcate the
most rigid punctuality in all engagements, he has never felt himself at
liberty to relax what he regarded this salutary rule; so that, on many
occasions, he has been compelled to submit to the unpleasant and
expensive operation of closing his accounts on the bond and mortgage, by
taking possession of the mortgaged property; and in this way, as he
sometimes feelingly complains to his friends, he has become encumbered
with more land than he knows what to do with. He has, however, gradually
got through a great deal of this trouble by renting out his farms; a
course which he intends to persevere in until his children are able to
take the management of them.
Mr. Handy has several times endeavored to persuade him to make
his improvements rather more permanent, and to take down these
embellishments I have been describing; rather rashly as I thought,
calling them, to Mr. Flam's face, pasteboard scenery, gingerbread
nonsense, and twopenny gimcracks: and he insinuated that if our worthy
representative would lay out some of his "accommodation" in a more solid
manner upon Popular Flats, it would tell hereafter to his advantage. But
Mr. Flam turns a deaf ear to all Nicodemus's preaching. He says that the
accommodation is better laid out in the Chickasaw Reserve, where he
means to realize a large fortune; and as to what Mr. Handy is pleased to
call _gimcracks_ and _gingerbread_, that, in fact, is the only kind of
decoration in which a man, who respects the simplicity and purity of
Democratic government, ought to indulge his taste. "If," said he, "my
old castle, my obelisk, or my Gothic gateway were built of stone instead
of white pine, a fair inference might be made against me of a lurking
wish to restore the exploded aristocratic system of primogeniture and
entails. It would be said I was building for my son and his eldest born.
Thank God, no such treasonable design can be inferred from this
_gimcrack_ and _gingerbread_, as you wittily term it. When I go, sir, my
estate is to be cut up as our Democratic republican laws ordain; and my
gimcrack and gingerbread can be plowed in as easily as the dockweed.
Strange as it may sound to the ears of some, gimcrack and gingerbread
are the elements of our new Democratic theory. Sir, our government
should glory in it:--it does glory in it. There is no reproach in the
fact that we neither build, legislate, think, nor determine for the next
generation. We attend to _ourselves_--that is genuine New-Light
Democracy. We oppose Vested Rights, we oppose Chartered Privileges, we
oppose Pledges to bind future Legislatures, we oppose Tariffs, Internal
Improvements, Colleges, and Universities, on the broad Democratic ground
that we have nothing to do with Posterity. Posterity will be as free as
we are. Let it take care of itself. I glory, sir, in saying New-Light
Democracy riots in gimcrack and gingerbread."
This eloquent outburst of sentiment effectually silenced Mr. Handy,
and brought him thoroughly into Mr. Flam's opinion. I rejoice that my
intimacy with this able statesman should have afforded me this
opportunity to show the brilliancy with which his mind sparkles in the
demonstration of political truth, and the wonderful power with which it
converts apparently trivial thoughts into golden illustrations of the
Democratic theory as lately discovered and practiced.
CHAPTER IV.
THE SECOND ERA--POPULATION OF QUODLIBET--INCREASE UNPARALLELED
IN ANCIENT CITIES; EQUALED ONLY BY MILWAUKEE, ETC.--SUCCESS
OF THE BANK--ATTACK UPON IT IN CONGRESS--THE HON. MIDDLETON
FLAM'S TRIUMPHANT VINDICATION--SKETCH OF HIS CELEBRATED
SPEECH BEFORE THE NEW LIGHTS--INIMITABLE IRONY ON THE
DIVORCE OF GOVERNMENT AND BANK--MERITED COMPLIMENT TO THE
HEAD OF THE SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY--THAT DISTINGUISHED
GENTLEMAN'S OPINIONS.
It is no part of my design in the compilation of this little history to
preserve the form of a regular, chronological narrative of the course of
events in Quodlibet; for although the material for such a continuous
recital abounds in the memoranda which I have preserved, yet it seems
better to suit the purpose of the respectable committee who have invoked
me to this labor, that I should rather make excerpts from the mass of my
papers, in such wise as to bring before my reader the condition of the
Borough at several epochs, with an occasional reference to such
incidents as may serve to explain the opinions of our people and
illustrate the course of that beautiful system of politics which the
world--I mean that world of which our Borough is the center--has
consented to honor with the epithet of Quodlibetarian; and in which
designation, in my poor judgment, is comprehended the essence of the
true theory by which this nation has advanced to its present
unparalleled state of prosperity and grandeur.
Following this suggestion, I propose now to lead my reader to that epoch
in the annals of the Borough which dates in the fourth year after the
Removal, or, in the vernacular computation, the year of 1836-7. The
population of Quodlibet had now reached to the astonishing amount of
fifteen hundred and eighty odd souls--the increase being altogether
without an example in the history of civilization, excepting, perhaps,
in that of Milwaukee, Navarino, and some other of those seemingly
incredible and fabulous creations of art which are said to have sprung
up under the beneficent auspices of the Quodlibetarian theory, as the
same has been practiced in this government for some few years past.
Quodlibet, I repeat, had reached in population upwards of fifteen
hundred and eighty inhabitants, as was ascertained by a diligent
enumeration made under the direction of our New-Light Club, with a view
to the election of a constable held this year in the Borough;--and when
we reflect that at the date of the Removal, the whole settlement fell
short of two hundred persons all told, it will be perceived that in
three years our increase has exceeded seven hundred per cent.! Verily,
neither London, Athens, nor Palmyra, Karnac, Luxor, nor even Milwaukee
itself, I doubt, has ever manifested so prolific an augmentation.
Nicodemus Handy's row of stores on the Basin was the first improvement,
as I have already informed my reader; then Copperplate Ridge was studded
with buildings; at the same time Flam Street was enriched with the bank
and seven brick buildings; then came the Female Lyceum, with the Town
Hall in the second story of the same building, Peter Ounce's Boatmen's
Hotel on the other side of the Basin, the Hay Scales, Zachary
Younghusband's (the tinplate worker) shop, and Dr. Thomas G. Winkleman's
Druggist Store and Soda Water Pavilion. These, as well as I can
recollect, were the principal establishments erected in Quodlibet in the
three years I have referred to. There were a number of private houses
built in this period, and a whole settlement of free negroes made below
the Basin, on the line of the canal. I ought to mention, too, that
Nicodemus Handy this year dug out the foundations, and, I believe, built
the cellar walls, of a second row of stores and of a new hotel designed
on a very large scale, with extensive baths to be attached to it. These
buildings, it pains me to say, in advance, never got higher than the
first story, as I shall be obliged to relate hereafter.
The bank did a sweeping business all this time; and nothing can be
conceived more beautiful than the theory upon which it was conducted. It
has run out of my memory how many new bales of pink silk paper were
turned off by it, but the amount would scarcely be believed if I were to
set it down; and the accommodation principle was carried out to an
extent that must have been truly gratifying to the Secretary. Still,
even this most exemplary institution did not escape the malevolence of
the Whigs. That ever-complaining party, as the Hon. Middleton Flam
assured us by letter, were making a great ado in Congress about all the
banks, but particularly about ours--alleging, in their usual factious
manner, that the government would lose money by us, as well as by the
others.
Deeming this charge as one of peculiar atrocity, we at once determined
to take it up in our New-Light Club, and stamp upon it the most
conclusive refutation. We accordingly fixed an evening for the
discussion, during Christmas week, when we knew that our member would be
at home to visit his family; and he was of course invited to attend and
give his views upon this very interesting question. The meeting was in
the Town Hall up stairs above the Female Lyceum. All Quodlibet was
present. I shall be long thankful to Providence for the dignified
station which it fell to my lot to fill on that memorable occasion. By a
most unexpected but most felicitous chance, I was honored that night
with a call to the chair; the worthy Mr. Snuffers, our President, not
being able to attend, in consequence of the interesting condition of
Mrs. Snuffers. As the subject of discussion was one of thrilling
interest, the most intense anxiety prevailed to hear the speech of our
eloquent representative. He came fully prepared, bringing with him a
load of documents. Our Vice, Mr. Doubleday, who is a solid thinking,
shrewd person, of that maturity of judgment which it is impossible to
impose upon, and himself, by-the-by, a first-rate debater, told me,
after we broke up, that Mr. Flam's discourse that evening on the banking
system at large and on the _safety_ of the banks in particular, was one
of the closest pieces of reasoning he had ever listened to in his life.
I regret that I have preserved so imperfect an outline of this speech,
but such as it is I offer it to my reader.
The orator commenced very appropriately by remarking how impossible it
was, in the nature of things, to satisfy the Whigs on any point. He said
there were three parties in Congress: First, the Whigs--who still
croaked about a National Bank--and his description of their croaking was
to the last degree humorous; it produced peals of laughter. Second, the
thorough-going Quodlibetarian Whole Hogs, who were steadfast and
immovable for the State Banks; and a third party, small in numbers,
"attenuated"--as he remarked with irresistibly comic effect--"and gaunt;
feeble, shrill, and like crickets who might scarcely be seen in
daytime;" and who, when the bill to Regulate the Deposits was up,
presented what, in his opinion, was the most alarming, if it had not
been the most ridiculous scheme, in relation to the public money, that
had ever been hatched in the hotbed of faction. These men, he said
called themselves Conservatives: "And what think you, Mr. President," he
asked, "was _their_ project? It was, sir, to separate the Government
from the Banks." Here Mr. Flam was interrupted by a loud laugh. "A Mr.
Gordon," he said, "was at the head of this little troop. He proposed a
bill, two sessions ago, to place the revenue and public moneys in the
hands of Receivers--the moneys were to be paid to these Receivers in
GOLD and SILVER! and no bank was to be intrusted with a dollar!! And
this," exclaimed Mr. Flam, with a tone of inimitable irony, "was to be
done for the SAFETY of the public Treasure! Your money not safe in the
hands of the banks, but _perfectly secure_ in the keeping of these
honest Receivers, who were to be furnished with vaults and iron chests
to lock it up in!!! O rare Conservatives!--O wise Conservatives!--O
honest Conservatives!"
We all thought the ceiling of the Town Hall would have toppled down on
our heads from the laughter occasioned by this sally. In this admirable
strain he continued for some minutes. At length, taking himself up, and
falling into a tone of grave expostulation, he pulled out a copy of The
Globe from his pocket, and proceeded--
"Admirably, sir, has this paper which I hold in my hand descanted on
this most wicked project. These well-timed remarks, I beg leave to read.
Hear the incomparable Blair. '_Had such a suggestion_,' says he, '_come
from General Jackson, it would have been rung through the Old Dominion
as conclusive proof of all the aspirations which may have been charged
to the Hero of New Orleans. See here, they would say, he wishes to put
the public money directly into the palms of his friends and partisans,
instead of keeping it on deposit in banks, whence it cannot be drawn,
for other than public purposes, without certain detection. In such a
case, we should feel that the people had just cause for alarm, and ought
to give their most watchful attention to such an effort to enlarge
Executive power, and put in its hands the means of corruption_.' Most
admirably again," continued Mr. Flam, "has this same incomparable Blair
said, '_The scheme is disorganizing and revolutionary, subversive of the
fundamental principles of our government, and of its practice from 1780
down to this day_.' Will you, freemen of Quodlibet, gentlemen of The New
Light," exclaimed Mr. Flam, "if faction should go so far as to put this
odious, disorganizing, and revolutionary yoke upon the country, will
you, freemen of Quodlibet, submit to it?"
"No!" shouted the ready response of sixty-four voices.
"Gentlemen, listen to the words of the Old Hero," continued Mr. Flam,
with a gratulatory smile playing on his face, presenting at the same
time a printed document which he carefully unfolded--"listen to that
'old man eloquent' whose mouth is never opened but to breathe the
precepts of wisdom and patriotism:--I read you from his last message. In
remarking upon this absurd project, the President, in this able paper,
holds the following language: '_To retain the Public Revenue in the
Treasury unemployed in any way, is impracticable. It is considered
against the genius of our free institutions to lock up in vaults the
treasure of the nation. Such a treasure would doubtless be employed at
some time, as it has in other countries, when opportunity tempted
ambition._' Now are you willing, men of Quodlibet," again ejaculated our
eloquent representative, as he slapped the document upon the table, "are
you willing, or can you consent to tolerate a proposition which is
against the genius----"
"No!" thundered forth sixty-four New Lights again, before our orator had
finished the sentence.
"Order, order, freemen of Quodlibet," I called out, as it was my duty to
do, at this interruption. "Hear our distinguished representative to an
end, before you respond."
There was a decorous silence.
"A proposition," continued Mr. Flam, "which is against the genius of our
free institutions, and which would be a lure to tempt ambition to its
most unholy purposes?"
The club looked at me for a sign, and I, quickly giving a nod of my
head, a loud "No" ran over the whole room, like a _feu de joie_ fired
off at a militia training.
"Now, gentlemen," said Mr. Flam, "one word as to the _safety_ of these
deposits. Whigs--oh that some of you were present, to mark how a plain
tale shall put you down! I have here the Secretary's own report," he
added, as he selected one from the bundle of documents which lay before
him. "There is no need for many words here--here is Mr. Secretary
himself, than whom a more pellucid, diaphanous, transparent Secretary of
the Treasury--a mind of rock-crystal, a head of sunbeams, a soul, sir,
of pure fountain water, that gurgles and gurgles, perpetually welling
forth its unadulterated intelligence in a purling stream, of which it
may be said, in the beautiful language of the poet of antiquity
'Rusticus expectat dum defluat amnis, at ille
Labitur et labetur in omne volubilis aevum'"----
Here I gave a nod, by way of signal to the club, to applaud this
splendid outbreak of Ciceronian eloquence; whereat the New Lights
vociferated "Bravo--three times three!" and made the house ring with
their approbation--"I say, sir, I have the Secretary himself here
present."
Several of the members, not being accustomed to this parliamentary
language, took the orator literally, and rose to welcome the
distinguished person referred to; but a word from me explained matters,
and brought the club again to order.
"The Secretary, gentlemen New Lights," said Mr. Flam, adroitly availing
himself of the occasion to throw off a coruscation of wit--"the
Secretary lives _in his reports_--profound, statesmanlike, recondite and
deep, his report is in my hand--_it is himself!_ I will read you what he
says upon this matter of the safety of the banks."
Here Mr. Flam read as follows, from a report dated December 12, 1834:--
"It is gratifying to reflect, however, that the credit given by the
government, whether to bank paper or bank agents, has been
accompanied by SMALLER LOSSES in the experience under the system of
State banks in this country, at their worst periods, and under
their severest calamities, than any other kind of credit
the government has ever given in relation to its pecuniary
transactions." "Again," he continued, turning to another page, "it
is a singular fact, in praise of this description of public
debtors--the selected banks--that there is not now due, on deposit,
in the whole of them, which have ever stopped payment, from the
establishment of the constitution to the present moment, a sum much
beyond what is now due to the United States from one mercantile
firm, that stopped payment in 1825 or 1826, and of whom ample
security was required, and supposed to be taken under the
responsibility of an oath. If we include the whole present dues to
the government from discredited banks at all times, and of all
kinds, whether as depositories or not, and embrace even counterfeit
bills, and every other species of unavailable funds in the
treasury, they will not exceed what is due from two such firms. Of
almost one hundred banks, not depositories, which, during all our
wars and commercial embarrassments, have heretofore failed, in any
part of the Union, in debt to the government, on their bills or
otherwise, it will be seen by the above table (to which Mr. Flam
referred as annexed to the report) that the whole of them, except
seventeen, have adjusted everything which they owed, and that the
balance due from them, without interest, is less than $32,000."
"There, gentlemen New Lights of Quodlibet," said Mr. Flam, when he had
finished reading these extracts, "what can be added beyond this
certificate from the Secretary, of the value of our State banks? Even
the lips of Whiggism are sealed before it; and nothing is left but the
confession that, in all their senseless clamor against our favorite and
long-tried State bank system, the course of its enemies has been but the
ebullition of disappointed ambition and peevish discontent. Are you
willing, I ask, to see this glorious system prostrated to the earth?"
"No!" was again the general cry.
"Are you content to see your cherished banks stripped of the confidence
of the government?"
"No--never, never!" shouted the New Lights to a man.
"Then, gentlemen Quodlibetarians, radii of the New Lights, you have
justified all my hopes. Your applause rewards all my toils--your support
and confidence enlist all my gratitude. With emotions of heart-felt
satisfaction, I bid you each good night!"
With these words, this remarkable man gathered up his documents, and,
with a countenance full of smiles, retired from the midst of this circle
of his devoted--yes, I may say, his idolizing friends.
CHAPTER V.
EXCITEMENT PRODUCED BY THE THOROUGH BLUE WHOLE
TEAM--MEETING OF THE NEW LIGHT--JESSE FERRET'S
AMBIDEXTERITY--INTRODUCTION OF ELIPHALET FOX TO THE
CLUB--HIS EXPOSITION OF PRINCIPLES--ESTABLISHMENT OF THE
QUODLIBET WHOLE HOG.
Soon after the time referred to in the last chapter--that is, when we
were favored by Mr. Flam with his views on the banking system--there was
a question of the most profound interest in agitation, both in the
New-Light Club and out of it; that question was the establishment of a
newspaper. The Quodlibetarian Democracy were, I am sorry to inform my
reader, most sorely and wantonly assailed, indeed I may say insulted, by
an hebdomadal sheet which, through the aid, or, more properly speaking,
_the abuse_ of the post-office (for surely it was not the original
design of that institution to afford the means of corrupting the people
by the dissemination of such moral poisons) was distributed among sundry
of our citizens, and even put upon the files of one of our public
houses. I do not scruple to name the house--that of Jesse Ferret--Jesse
being at this time a little amphibious in his politics, or, in Mr. Fog's
expressive language, _rather fishy_. The paper to which I allude was
published at Thorough Blue Court-House, a perfect hotbed of contumacious
opposition, situate about fifty miles due west from Quodlibet. It was
called "THE THOROUGH BLUE WHOLE TEAM," and was edited by Augustus
Postlethwaite Tompkinson, an inchoate lawyer, who had set up for a poet,
and whose sentiments were of the most dangerous Whig complexion. This
paper was constantly filled with extracts of the ravings of Whig members
of Congress against our admirable system of banking, and had gone to
such an extreme of rashness, as to denominate that splendid measure of
the purest and wisest statesman of the age--my reader perceives I mean
Mr. Benton--for the introduction of the gold currency, a humbug! But
this was not all; the unprincipled editor of that reckless journal had
actually so far forgotten all the decencies of civilized society, had
become so callous to the cause of virtue and truth, as to launch his
puny thunderbolts at the fair fame of the Hon. Middleton Flam. He was
ridiculed as a pretender! he was nicknamed a charlatan!! and the
unbridled license of this unsparing defamer did not stop short of
denouncing him as a Federalist!!! All Quodlibet--that is, all who
possessed the soul of Quodlibetarians--raised up their hands at the
political impiety of this libel. A spontaneous burst of feeling
indicated the deep sentiment which called for immediate action on the
subject. For a full week, the New Light was in a state of paroxysm. The
club met every night. Nicodemus Handy was there; Fog was there; Nim
Porter was there; Snuffers and Doubleday, Doctor Winkleman and Zachary
Younghusband, recently appointed postmaster of the Borough, were there.
Every thorough-bred Quod, even down to Flan. Sucker, was there. Jesse
Ferret, I have already said, was fishy. I regret to say it, but it is
true. Jesse, bending to the suppleness of the times, and forgetting a
patriot's duty, which is first and foremost above all things to stick to
his party, pleaded his public calling to excuse his vacillation, and
even went so far as to say that "a publican should have no politics." Oh
shame, where is thy blush! Not so with Nim Porter;--his soul towered
above the bar-room; he would bet all he was worth on the side of his
party. Everybody in Quodlibet knows how free Nim always was with his
bets.
The decisive meeting of the club took place in the dining-room of
Ferret's tavern. Nicodemus Handy did not often attend the meetings of
the club: we looked to him rather for head work, for he was not the best
of public speakers; but on the night of this assemblage he made it a
point to be present. Mr. Handy is rather a short, fat man; his head is
partially bald, his face is smooth and fair, his dress was always
remarked for being of the best material, put on in the neatest
manner--in short, Mr. Handy is a first-rate gentleman. I am particular
in noting these matters, because THE WHOLE TEAM was in the habit of
bragging that "all the decency" was on his side. Now I would challenge
Thorough Blue Court-House, and the settlement ten miles around it--the
whole region is Whig--to produce one man among them to compare either
with the Hon. Middleton Flam or Nicodemus Handy. And I would take this
occasion further to remark, in refutation of THE WHOLE TEAM'S calumny
touching "all the decency," that the true Quodlibetarian Democrats have
as great a respect for appearance, and as profound a spirit of
assentation and regard toward a man of wealth, as the people of any
country upon earth: if anything, our tip-top Quods carry rather a higher
head than the richest Whigs in these parts, and any dispassionate man
who will examine into the matter will say so.
Snuffers was in the chair. The members of the club did not sit down:
they were too much agitated to sit down. As soon as I, in my character
of Secretary, read the minutes of the preceding meeting, Mr. Handy rose,
and after some very appropriate remarks delivered in a modest fashion,
(in which he assured the club that he was unaccustomed to public
speaking and moreover oppressed by the intensity of his feelings in
regard to the recent attack on his friend, the Hon. Middleton Flam, and
in a slight degree agitated in the presence of this most respectable
assemblage of Quods,) came at once to the point. "Who," he asked, "was
Augustus Postlethwaite Tompkinson? His name told you who he was--an
aristocrat, a poet, a sentimentalizer, _a dealer in fiction_! What was
his calling? A pander, a pimp, a professional reviler of great and
good men. What was his paper? That sink of infamy--THE WHOLE
TEAM--twenty-four by eighteen, with a poet's corner, and an outside
stuffed with a few beggarly advertisements. Would gentlemen submit to be
led by the nose by a thing like that, twenty-four by eighteen?"
"Never," cried out Flanigan Sucker, who stood in the doorway, just
behind Nim Porter--"will we, Nim?"
"Silence," said Mr. Snuffers.
"If gentlemen have my feelings of indignation on this subject,"
continued Mr. Handy, "they will concur with me in establishing a paper
of our own."
"Go it, Nicodemus!" shouted Flan. Sucker, very indecorously putting in
his word a second time.
Thereupon arose some confusion in the club, and Flan., being found upon
examination to be muddled with liquor, was requested to retire; and not
being very prompt to obey this invitation, he was turned out.
Mr. Handy then proceeded. "Gentlemen," said he, "a paper we must have,
and I feel happy in the opportunity to introduce to your acquaintance a
good friend of our cause, who is here present to-night, and who, under
the auspices of this club, is willing to undertake the responsible duty
of supplying this so much desiderated object. I beg leave to present to
you Mr. Eliphalet Fox, a gentleman long connected with the press in a
neighboring State, and who is prepared to submit to you his scheme."
Upon this a stranger, who had been seated in a back part of the room,
wrapped up in a green camlet cloak with plaid lining, which I may add
had apparently seen much service, stepped forward, and, disrobing
himself of this outer garment, stood full before the President. He was a
thin, faded little fellow, whose clothes seemed to be somewhat too large
for him. His eye was gray and rather dull, his physiognomy melancholy,
his cheek sunken, his complexion freckled, his coat blue, the buttons
dingy, his hair sandy, and like untwisted rope. The first glance at the
person of this new-comer gave every man of the club the assurance that
here was an editor indeed. A whisper of approbation ran through the
crowd, and from that moment, as Mr. Doubleday afterward said to me, we
felt assured that we had the man we wanted.
"Mr. President," said he, in a feeble and sickly voice, "my name _is_
Fox. I am in want of employment. Sir," he added, gritting his teeth and
taking an attitude, "if the rancor of my soul, accumulated by
maltreatment, set on edge by disappointment, indurated by time, entitle
me to claim your confidence, then, sir, my claim stands number one. If a
thorough knowledge, sir, of the characteristic traits of Federalism,
long acquaintance with its designs, persecution, sir, from its votaries,
a deep experience of its black ingratitude; if days of toil spent in its
service, nights of feverish anxiety protracted in ruminating over its
purposes; if promises violated, hopes blasted, labors unrewarded, may be
deemed a stimulus to hatred--then, sir, am I richly endowed with the
qualifications to expose the enemies of Quodlibetarian Democracy. I am a
child, sir, of sorrow: the milk of my nature has been curdled by
neglect. Mine is a history of talents underrated, sensibilities derided,
patriotism spurned, affluence, nay competence, withheld. The world has
turned me aside. I have no resting place on the bosom of my mother.
Society, like a demon, pursues me. Writs in the hands of the sheriff,
judgments on the docket, _fi. fas._ and _ca. sas._ track my footsteps.
No limitation runs in my favor: the _scire facias_, ever ready, revives
the inhuman judgment, and my second shirt--my first is in rags--is
stripped from my body to glut the avarice of my relentless pursuers.
Thank God, I have at last found a friend in that distinguished man who
has been so ruthlessly, so recently assailed, by that fledgling of the
aristocracy, Augustus Postlethwaite Tompkinson. Yes, sir, in the Hon.
Middleton Flam I have found a friend. He has given me letters to this
benevolent gentleman, Mr. Handy; he has recommended my establishment
here; he promises to co-operate with this respectable club in giving me
a foothold among you. With her Flams and her Handys, Quodlibet is
destined to an enviable influence in this great Republic." (Here he was
interrupted by loud cheers.) "My scheme is, Mr. President, with the aid
of this club, and that of the benefactors I have named, forthwith
to start THE QUODLIBET WHOLE HOG. It shall take a decided and
uncompromising stand against THE THOROUGH BLUE WHOLE TEAM, (here he was
again arrested by cheers;) pledged to contradict every word uttered by
that vile print, (cheers;) to traduce and bring down its editor by the
most systematic disparagement, (cheers;) to disprove all Whig
assertions; unfailingly to take the opposite side on all questions;
industriously to lower the standing of the members of the Whig party,
(immense cheers;) through thick and thin, good report and evil report,
for better and for worse, to defend and sustain the administration of
the new President, who is about to take his seat, that incomparable
Democrat of the genuine Quodlibetarian stamp, Martin Van Buren, (at this
point the cheering continued for some moments, with such violence that
the speaker had to suspend his remarks;) and finally, sir, to commend,
exalt, and illustrate the character and pretensions of our unrivaled
friend Mr. Flam, (immense cheering,) giving utterance to his sentiments,
preponderance to his opinions, authority to his advice on all proper and
suitable occasions, (loud cheering for a long time.) In short, sir, The
Whole Hog shall be what its name imports, a faithful mirror of the
Democracy of Quodlibet. Its publication shall be weekly; its size,
twenty-six by twenty, having the advantage over the Whole Team by full
two inches each way. There, sir, is an outline of my sentiments and
proposed paper." Mr. Fox concluded this address in the midst of a
congratulatory uproar, altogether unprecedented in the club.
Seizing upon the enthusiasm of the moment, and being rather fearful
that Fog would attempt to make a speech, which that gentleman's
condition would have rendered extremely improper at this hour, Mr. Handy
immediately offered a resolution for the establishment of the Whole Hog,
and its adoption as the organ of the party, on the principles proposed
by Mr. Fox. This was carried by acclamation; and the members without
further discussion adjourned to the bar-room, where Nim Porter offered a
bet--and not finding any one to take him up, continued to offer it
during the evening--of fifty dollars to twenty-five, or one hundred to
fifty, that Eliphalet Fox would run Augustus Postlethwaite Tompkinson's
Whole Team out of Quodlibet in six months from that day:--that there
would not be but two copies of the Whole Team taken in the Borough, and
that one of them would be Michael Grant's out at the Hogback:--"for,"
said Nim, with an oath, which I will not repeat--"I can see it in that
Liphlet Fox's eye; if he isn't a gouger when his bile's fresh, there
aint nothing in Lavender on Physiology, or Fowler on the Shape of
Heads."
CHAPTER VI.
BEING A SHORT HISTORY OF ELIPHALET FOX.
Eliphalet Fox's paper, "The Whole Hog," made its first appearance on the
day of the inauguration of President Van Buren. Bright were the omens
that heralded its birth. The lustrous orb of Jackson had just set in an
ocean of splendor. Happy old man! Felix qui potuit rerum cognoscere
causas! In the glowing language of his own immortal valedictory, he left
"this great people prosperous and happy." That star of the second
magnitude, Martin Van Buren, first among the sidera minora, had just
risen. In the nearly equally immortal salutatory of this Sidus Minor, he
spake the words, "we present an aggregate of human prosperity surely not
elsewhere to be found." Fortunate omens, incomparable auspices! Under
these cheering signs "The Whole Hog" appeared upon the stage.
Never was paper more faithful to the Quodlibetarian theory. Never was
editor more richly endowed to sustain that theory than Eliphalet Fox. My
reader will doubtless expect that I should impart such gleanings of the
editor's life as my diligent researches have enabled me to collect. This
reasonable expectation shall be indulged.
Eliphalet Fox was one of those men whose career furnishes so remarkable
a commentary upon the beneficent character of our great Democratic
Quodlibetarian principle. His ancestors, two generations back, were
Federal and rich: in the last generation they were Federal and poor--a
transition strikingly natural and eminently illustrative of our free
institutions. Eliphalet was born in the town of Gabwrangle, in the
adjoining State. His education was circumscribed to the circle of
reading, writing, and arithmetic, which Eliphalet himself sometimes
jocosely describes as algebraically denoted by the signs of the three
Rs; to wit, Reading, Righting, and Rithmetic--a joke (mehercule) both
ingenious and new!
His parents being, as I may say, inops pecuniae, bound Eliphalet to a
trade; but handicraft was abhorrent to his genius. His temper was sour
and peevish; and though seemingly meek, even to a degree of asininity,
in his demeanor, yet it was early discovered that, upon occasion, he
could very deftly and nimbly, as the poet says, "unpack his heart with
words and fall to swearing like a very drab." This art was too valuable
in Eliphalet's time to go long without a patron; and, accordingly, after
he had worked four most reluctant years in a printing-office, to which
his respectable parents, thwarting the current of his genius, had
devoted him, he was discovered and taken by the hand by Mr. Theophilus
Flam, brother of the late Judge, and leader of the Federal party of
Gabwrangle. It was just before the war; and the party being hard set
upon by its enemies, had, like a cat surrounded by curs, thrown itself
upon its back, and essayed to defend itself, most cattishly, with claw
and tooth. And sharply, as we well know, did they fight. Eliphalet, in
this strife, played the part of a claw, showing most admirable spring
nails, though ordinarily hid, and therefore but little suspected in his
velvet paw. His position in this battle was that of conductor of "The
Gabwrangle Grimalkin," a cross-grained, querulous, tart and vinegarish
little folio, which hoisted the banner of Theophilus Flam, and swore in
his words. Eliphalet Fox, in consequence of the trusty position which
was thus confided to him, and still more by reason of a certain rabid
but laudable hatred of all who bore the name of Democrat, in those days,
(and here I would have my reader mark that a Democrat of 1812 was a very
different thing from a Democrat of this our day, especially from a true
Quodlibetarian Democrat,) rose to be a person of great consideration in
Gabwrangle. The party of Theophilus Flam, like our illustrious chief of
the new Democracy, Mr. Van Buren, made sturdy opposition to Madison and
his unrighteous war, and finally enjoyed the satisfaction of a complete
triumph over all their political adversaries in Gabwrangle, by an utter
route of the spurious Democrats who opposed them: a point of good
fortune which did not fall to the lot of our illustrious chief at
Kinderhook; since history records the disastrous fact that he, so far
from conquering, was obliged to give in, and was even unhappily
compelled, by the force of adverse winds, to go over to the majority,
(an event very distressing to his feelings,) when he found that that
majority was so obstinate as to refuse to come on his side: he was, if I
may so say, as it were, a prisoner-of-war, and acted under a vis major.
But at Gabwrangle--thanks to the persevering tongue and pen of Eliphalet
Fox!--it was all the other way; and "The Grimalkin," to the last,
enjoyed a most enviable renown as the bitterest reviler of Mr. Madison
and his doings.
Habit grows into an instinct, and as times change our habits are the
last to follow the fashion. It is only by referring to this deep-seated
principle of human nature, that I am able to account for the
extraordinary vituperation which Eliphalet Fox, at a later day, poured
upon the head of the Old Hero when he was brought out for President. The
Grimalkin, like all poison-concocting animals, grew more venomous as it
grew older; and were it not that Eliphalet has repented of this folly,
and amply atoned for its commission, I should blush to record the almost
savage ferocity, the altogether unpardonable acerbity, and, above all,
the thoroughly unquodlibetarian freedom with which he assailed the
purest man that in the tide of time--as another pure man has
remarked--ever appeared upon this terraqueous globe. But the truth is,
Eliphalet had fallen into _a habit_ of detraction, and did it without
thinking:--that is the best excuse that can be made for him. The old
Federalists of Gabwrangle, and, foremost among them, his master,
Theophilus Flam, soon corrected this unhappy proclivity, and gave him to
understand that he was on a wrong scent. They peremptorily, to their
great honor, insisted that from that day forth the Grimalkin must be
decent. The consequence of this was fatal to Eliphalet Fox--fatal at
least to his prosperity in Gabwrangle. Thenceforth the Grimalkin sunk
into insignificance. As the poet says, Othello's occupation was gone.
The subscribers grew testy and dropped off, under the influence of this
uncongenial decency exacted from the editor. Eliphalet borrowed money,
his habiliments grew shabby, he took up mean callings for the sake of
pelf, he became a spunge; he grew bilious, atrabilious, patriotic and
indignant. He went for REFORM--reform of the General Government, reform
of the State Constitution, reform of private manners, reform of public
observances. He took up an aversion to all kinds of respectability,
became a deadly enemy to every man who laid up any money--made this
sentiment a political question, talked of a division of property, called
Nature a stepmother, said sundry hard things about the persecution of
genius, and finally, one Sunday night, eloped from Gabwrangle, leaving
his fiscal responsibilities in a state of as much perplexity as that
into which these vile Whigs have brought those of the government. Alas,
for Eliphalet! little did he dream that out of this desolation and
dismay he was to pluck so bright a flower of prosperity as he now wears
in his bosom. All the hounds of the law--as he so eloquently painted it
to the New Light at our celebrated meeting--were set upon his track; but
grace to his better destiny! he eluded them. To twenty writs placed on
Monday morning in the sheriff's hands, that functionary made his
return on Tuesday evening, "Eloped under whip and spur out of the
bailiwick."--Oh, lucky Eliphalet!
In these straits the badgered patriot went to Washington; was
recognized by our distinguished representative, who, knowing that we
were in want of an editor fit to cope with The Whole Team, gave him a
warm letter of recommendation to Nicodemus Handy, and forthwith was
projected that famous movement, whereof I have already given the
history, and which has so auspiciously resulted in the establishment of
The Quodlibet Whole Hog.
CHAPTER VII.
ASTOUNDING EVENT--SUSPENSION OF SPECIE PAYMENTS--PROCEEDINGS
OF THE BANK OF QUODLIBET THEREUPON--RESOLVE OF THE DIRECTORS
AGAINST SUSPENSION--CONSPIRACY AND THREATENED REVOLUTION
HEADED BY FLAN. SUCKER--DIRECTORS CHANGE THEIR MIND--THEIR
CONSTERNATION AND ESCAPE--REMARKABLE BRAVERY AND PRESENCE
OF MIND OF THE HON. MIDDLETON FLAM--HIS SPLENDID APPEAL TO
THE INSURGENTS--GENERAL JACKSON'S ORACULAR VIEWS IN REGARD
TO THE SUSPENSION.
Proh hominum fidem!
It falls to my lot, at this stage of my history, to be constrained to
record an event the most astounding, the most awful, the most
unexpected, the most treacherous, the most ungrateful, the most
flagitious--yea, the most supereminently flagitious,--that the history
of mankind affords. Notwithstanding that laudatory and political
ejaculation which the Hero and Sage breathed out in the evening of his
brilliant career, like the last notes of the swan, "I leave this great
people prosperous and happy"--notwithstanding that flattering canzonet,
with which he who pledges himself to walk in the Hero and Sage's
footsteps, began his illustrious course, singing as it were the morning
carol of the lark--"we present an aggregate of human prosperity surely
not elsewhere to be found"--the echo of these sweet sounds had not died
away upon the tympana of our ravished ears, before these banks--these
gentle pet banks--these fostered, favored, sugar-plum and candy-fed pet
banks, with all their troop of plethoric and pampered paragon sister
banks, one and all, without one pang of remorse, without one word of
warning, without even, as far as we could see, one tingle of a
suppressed and struggling blush, incontinently suspended specie
payments!! O curas hominum! Quantum est in rebus inane!
Shall I tell it? Even the Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet was
compelled to follow in this faithless path. Not at once, I confess--not
off-hand, and with such malice prepense as the others--for Nicodemus
Handy had a soul above such black ingratitude--but after a pause, and,
let the truth be told in extenuation, because he could not help it.
The Hon. Middleton Flam was sent for upon the first tidings of
this extraordinary kicking in the traces by these high-mettled
institutions--tidings which reached Quodlibet, via the canal, about
eleven o'clock one morning in May. The Directors were summoned into
council. What was to be done? was the general question. Anthony
Hardbottle, of the firm of Barndollar & Hardbottle--a grave man and a
thoughtful; a man without flash, who seldom smiles--a lean man, hard
favored and simple in his outgoings and incomings; a man, who has never
sported, as long as I have known him, any other coat than that
snuff-brown with covered buttons, and who does not wear out above one
pair of shoes in a year; a man who could never be persuaded to give so
far into the times as to put on a black cravat, but has always stuck to
the white:--such a man, it may be easily imagined, was not to be carried
away by new-fangled notions:--he was there at the Board, in place of
Theodore Fog, who was compelled two years before to withdraw his name as
a candidate for re-election. This same Anthony Hardbottle, speaking
under the dictates of that cautious wisdom natural to him as a merchant,
answered this question of What was to be done?--by another equally
laconic and pregnant with meaning----
"How much cash have we on hand?"
"One hundred and seven dollars and thirty-seven and a half cents in
silver," replied Nicodemus, "and five half eagles in gold, which were
brought here by our honorable President and placed on deposit, after he
had used them in the last election for the purpose of showing the people
what an admirable currency we were to have, as soon as Mr. Benton should
succeed in making it float up the stream of the Mississippi."
Again asked Anthony Hardbottle, "What circulation have you abroad?"
"Six hundred thousand dollars," replied Nicodemus, "and a trifle over."
"Then," said Anthony, "I think we had better suspend with the rest."
"Never," said the Hon. Middleton Flam, rising from his seat and thumping
the table violently with his hand. "Never, sir, while I am President of
this bank, and there is a shot in the locker."
"Bravo--well said, admirably said, spoke as a Quodlibetarian ought to
speak!" shouted Dr. Thomas G. Winkleman, the keeper of the soda-water
Pavilion; "I have fifteen dollars in five-penny bits; they are at the
service of the Board, and while I hold a piece of coin, the Patriotic
Copperplate Bank shall never be subjected to the reproach of being
unable to meet its obligations. Anthony Hardbottle, as a Democrat I am
surprised at you."
"I can't help it," replied Anthony; "in my opinion, our issues are
larger than our means."
"How larger, sir?" demanded Mr. Snuffers, the President of the New
Light, with some asperity of tone.--"Haven't we a batch of bran-new
notes, just signed and ready for delivery? Redeem the old ones with new.
Why should we suspend?"
"Gentlemen, I will put the question to the Board," interposed Mr. Flam,
fearful lest a quarrel might arise, if the debate continued. "Shall this
bank suspend specie payments? Those in favor of this iniquitous
proposition will say AY."
No one answered. Anthony Hardbottle was intimidated by the President's
stern manner.
"Those opposed to it will say NO."
"No!" was the universal acclamation of the Board, with the exception of
Anthony Hardbottle who did not open his lips.
"Thank you, gentlemen," said Mr. Flam, "for this generous support. I
should have been compelled by the adoption of this proposition, much as
I esteem this Board, much as I value your good opinion, to have returned
the commission with which you have honored me as your President. Our
country first, and then ourselves! The Democracy of Quodlibet never will
suspend!"
At this moment confused noises were heard in the banking-room, which
adjoined that in which the Directors were convened. Mr. Handy
immediately sprang from his chair and went into this apartment.
There stood about thirty persons, principally boatmen from the canal. At
their head, some paces advanced into the bank, was Flanigan Sucker. One
sleeve of Flan's coat was torn open from the shoulder to the wrist; his
shirt, of a very indefinite complexion, was open at the breast,
disclosing the shaggy mat of hair that adorned this part of his person;
his corduroy trowsers had but one suspender to keep them up, thus giving
them rather a lop-sided set. His face was fiery-red; and his hat, which
was considerably frayed at the brim, was drawn over one ear, and left
uncovered a large portion of his forehead and crown which were
embellished by wild elf locks of carroty hue.
"Nicodemus," said Flan. as soon as the Cashier made his appearance, "we
have come to make a run upon the bank:--they say you've bursted your
biler." Then turning to the crowd behind him, he shouted, "Growl,
Tigers!--Yip! yip! Hurra!"
As Flan. yelled out these words, a strange muttering sound broke forth
from the multitude.
"What put into your drunken noddle that we have broke?" inquired Mr.
Handy, with great composure, as soon as silence was restored.
"Nim Porter ses, Nicodemus, that you're a gone horse, and that if you
ain't busted up, you will be before night. So we have determined on a
run."
Nim Porter, who was standing in the rear of the crowd, where he had
come to see how matters were going on, now stepped forward. Nim is the
fattest man in Quodlibet, and besides, is the most dressy and
good-natured man we have. On this occasion there he stood with a stiff
starched linen roundabout jacket on, as white as the driven snow, with
white drilling pantaloons just from the washerwoman, and the most
strutting ruffle to his shirt that could have been manufactured out of
cambric. In all points he was unlike the crowd of persons who occupied
the room. "I said nothing of the sort--" was Nim's reply--"and I am
willing now to bet ten to one that he can't produce a man here to say I
said so."
"What's the odds!" cried Flan; "Nicodemus, we are resolved upon a
run--so shell out!"
"Begin when it suits you," said Mr. Handy. "Let me have your note, and I
will give you either silver or gold as you choose."
"You don't catch me that way," shouted Flan., with a drunken grimace.
"Notes is not in my line--shell out anyhow. We have determined on a
run--a genuine, dimmycratic sortie."
"Have you none of our paper?" again inquired Mr. Handy.
"Not a shaving, Nicodemus," replied Flan. "What's the odds?"
"But I have," said a big, squinting boatman, as he walked up to our
Cashier, and untied his leather wallet. "There's sixty dollars, and I'll
thank you for the cash.
"And I have twenty-five more," cried out another.
"And I twice twenty-five," said a gruff voice from the midst of the
crowd.
All this time the number of persons outside was increasing, and very
profane swearing was heard about the door. Mr. Handy stepped to the
window to get a view of the assemblage, and seeing that nearly all the
movable part of Quodlibet was gathering in front of the building, he
retired with some trepidation into the Directors' room, and informed Mr.
Flam and the Board of what was going on. They had a pretty good
suspicion of this before Mr. Handy returned, for they had distinctly
heard the uproar. Mr. Handy no sooner communicated the fact to them,
than Mr. Flam, with considerable perturbation in his looks, rose and
declared that Quodlibet was in a state of insurrection; and, as every
one must be aware, that in the midst of a revolution no bank could be
expected to pay specie, he moved, in consideration of this menacing
state of affairs, that the Patriotic Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet
suspend specie payments forthwith, and continue the same until such time
as the re-establishment of the public peace should authorize a
resumption. This motion was gratefully received by the Board, and
carried without a division. During this interval, the conspirators
having learned, through their leader, Flan. Sucker, that the Hon.
Middleton Flam was in the house, forthwith set up a violent shouting for
that distinguished gentleman to appear at the door. It was some moments
before our representative was willing to obey this summons: the Board of
Directors were thrown into a panic, and with great expedition got out of
the back window into the yard, and made their escape--thus leaving the
indomitable and unflinching President of the bank, a man of lion heart,
alone in the apartment; while the yells and shouts of the multitude were
ringing in his ears with awful reduplication. He was not at a loss to
perform his duty, but, with a dignified and stately movement, stalked
into the banking-room, approached the window that looked upon the
street, threw it open, and gave himself in full view to the multitude.
There was a dreadful pause; a scowl sat upon every brow; a muttering
silence prevailed. As Tacitus says: "Non tumultus, non quies, sed quale
magni metus, et magnae irae silentium est." Mr. Flam raised his arm, and
spoke in this strain:--
"Men of Quodlibet, what madness has seized upon you? Do you assemble in
front of this edifice to make the day hideous with howling? Is it to
insult Nicodemus Handy, a worthy New Light, or is it to affright the
universe by pulling down these walls? Shame on you, men of Quodlibet! If
you have a vengeance to wreak, do not inflict it upon us. Go to the
Whigs, the authors of our misfortune. They have brought these things
upon us. Year after year have we been struggling to give you a
constitutional currency--the real Jackson gold----"
"Three cheers for Middleton Flam!" cried out twenty voices, and
straightway the cheers ascended on the air; and in the midst was heard a
well-known voice, "Yip! yip!--Go it, Middleton!"
"Yes, my friends," proceeded the orator, "while we have been laboring
to give you the solid metals; while we have been fighting against this
PAPER-MONEY PARTY, and have devoted all our energies to the endeavor to
prostrate the influence of these RAG BARONS, these MONOPOLISTS, THESE
CHAMPIONS OF VESTED RIGHTS AND CHARTERED PRIVILEGES, the WHIGS--we have
been foiled at every turn by the power of their unholy combinations of
associated wealth. They have filled your land with banks, and have
brought upon us all the curses of _over-trading_ and _over-speculating_,
until the people are literally on their faces at the footstool of the
Money Power. (Tremendous cheering.) Our course has been resolute and
unwaveringly patriotic. We have stood in the breach and met the storm;
but all without avail. Between the rich and the poor lies a mighty gulf.
The rich man _has_, the poor man _wants_. Of that which the rich hath,
does he give to the poor? Answer me, men of Quodlibet."
"No!" arose, deep-toned, from every throat.
"Then our course is plain. Poor men, one and all, rally round our
Democratic banner. Let the aristocrats know and feel that you will not
bear this tyranny."
"We will," shouted Flan. Sucker. "Go it, Middleton!"
"Gentlemen," continued Mr. Flam, "this bank of ours is purely
DEMOCRATIC. It is an exception to all other banks; it is emphatically
the poor man's friend: nothing can exceed the skill and caution with
which it has been conducted. Would that all other banks were like it! We
have, comparatively, but a small issue of paper afloat; we have a large
supply of specie. You perceive, therefore, that we fear no run. You all
saw with what alacrity our Cashier proffered to redeem whatever amount
our respectable fellow-citizen, that excellent Democrat, Mr. Flanigan
Sucker, might demand. (Cheers, and a cry of 'Yip!') Mr. Sucker was
satisfied, and did not desire to burden himself with specie. Gentlemen,
depend upon _me_. When there is danger, if such a thing could be to this
New-Light Democratic bank, I will be the first to give you warning.
(Cheers, and 'Hurrah for Flam.') Born with an instinctive love of the
people, I should be the vilest of men, if I could ever forget my duty to
them. (Immense cheering, and cries of 'Flam forever!') Take my advice,
retire to your homes, keep an eye on the Whigs and their wicked schemes
to bolster up the State banks, make no run upon this institution--it is
an ill bird that defiles its own nest--and, before you depart,
gentlemen, let me inform you that, having the greatest regard to your
interest, we have determined upon a temporary suspension, as a mere
matter of caution against the intrigues of the Whigs, who, we have every
reason to believe, actuated by their implacable hatred of the New-Light
Democracy, will assail this, your favorite bank, with a malevolence
unexampled in all their past career. (Loud cheers, and cries of 'Stand
by the bank.') But, Quodlibetarians, rally, and present a phalanx more
terrible than the Macedonian to the invader. You can--I am sure you
will--and, therefore, I tell you your bank is safe."
"We can, we will!" rose from the whole multitude, accompanied with
cheers that might vie with the bursting of the ocean surge.
"Gentlemen," added Mr. Flam, "I thank you for the manifestation of this
patriotic sentiment. It is no more than I expected of Quodlibet. In
conclusion, I am requested, my good friends, by Mr. Handy, to say that
having just prepared some notes on a _superior_ paper, he will redeem at
the counter any old ones you may chance to hold, in that new emission;
and I can with pride assure you, that this late supply is equal,
perhaps, to anything that has ever been issued in the United States.
With my best wishes, gentlemen, for your permanent prosperity, under the
new and glorious dynasty of that distinguished New-Light Democrat, whom
the unbought suffrages of millions of freemen have called to the supreme
executive chair, (cheers,) and under whose lead we fondly indulge the
hope of speedily sweeping from existence this pestilential brood of Whig
banks, I respectfully take my leave."
Having concluded this masterly appeal to the reason and good sense of
the people, Mr. Flam withdrew under nine distinct rounds of applause.
The effect of this powerful speech, which has often since been compared
to that of Cicero against Catiline, was completely to still the public
mind of Quodlibet, and also to remove all apprehensions of the solidity
of our bank. But its happiest feature was the vindication of the bank
against that charge of treachery and ingratitude which so justly lies at
the door of all the other banks of the country. The Patriotic
Copperplate Bank of Quodlibet was, as Mr. Flam observed, _purely
Democratic_--Democratic in its origin, in its principles, in its
organization, in its management, in its officers, its stockholders, and
its customers. Such a bank, of course, could not be unfaithful to the
Democratic administration that fostered it--_infidelity or ingratitude
to party is no inhabitant of a Democratic bosom_. If there be men upon
earth who go all lengths, through thick and thin, for party, it is (I
say it with pride) the genuine New-Light Quodlibetarian Democracy. Our
bank, therefore, stands uncontaminated by that revolting perfidy which,
at the instigation of Biddle and the Barings, brought all the other
banks, in which there are Whig directors or officers, into the most
wicked conspiracy recorded in history.
It was not long after this astounding event before the opinions uttered
above were fully and most remarkably confirmed by a letter from the
Hermitage; a letter which for its shrewdness of view, its perspicacity,
its lucid style and Hero-and-Sage-like felicity of construction, is
unequaled in the productions of the venerable Chief. I am happy to
insert it here, as a most eloquent exposition of the causes of the
suspension--feeling assured that its distinguished author had no
reference to the Democratic banks, and especially none to ours of
Quodlibet, but intended it entirely for the vile Whigs.
"_The history of the world_," says this immortal man, writing July
ninth, to the virgin-minded, tremulously-sensitive, and unrewarded
editor of the Globe, "_never has recorded such base treachery and
perfidy as has been committed by the deposit banks against the
government, and purely with a view of gratifying Biddle and the Barings,
and by the suspension of specie payments, degrade, embarrass, and ruin,
if they could, their own country, for the selfish views of making large
profits by throwing out millions of depreciated paper upon the
people--selling their specie at large premiums, and buying up their own
paper at discounts of from 25 to 50 per cent., and now looking forward
to be indulged in these speculations for years to come before they
resume specie payments._"
Oracular old man! Sage and Seer! Priest and Prophet to lead thine
Israelites beyond Jordan! Happy do I, S. S., Schoolmaster of Quodlibet,
account myself that I have lived in this thy day!
CHAPTER VIII.
SIGNS OF DISCORD IN QUODLIBET--THE IRON-RAILING
CONTROVERSY--AGAMEMNON FLAG'S NOMINATION--REVOLT OF THEODORE
FOG--THE CELEBRATED SPLIT--CONSEQUENCES OF JESSE FERRET'S
PERNICIOUS DOGMA IN REFERENCE TO PUBLICANS--FIRST FRUITS OF THE
SPLIT MANIFESTED AT MRS. FERRET'S TEA DRINKING--GRAVE REFLECTIONS
BY THE AUTHOR--MORAL.
The exciting summer of 1837, with the special election of a member of
Congress for the extra session--to which we returned our long-tried
and faithful representative, Mr. Middleton Flam, almost without
opposition--went by. All eyes were turned upon the proceedings of
Congress at that extra sitting; and a great many speculations were
afloat in Quodlibet, where, I am pained to disclose the fact, very
serious contrariety of opinion began to spring up in reference to the
Sub-Treasury. Our State election, for members of the Legislature, was to
come on in October, and a convention, called for the purpose,
had nominated Agamemnon Flag, at the head of the ticket, with
Abram Schoolcraft, the nursery man in Bickerbray, and Curtius
Short, Cheap store-keeper in Tumbledown, as the Regular New-Light
Democratic Quodlibetarian candidates. Unhappily this nomination gave
dissatisfaction to numbers of our friends. Agamemnon Flag, who was the
only stump man on the ticket, (Schoolcraft and Short having expressly
stipulated that they were not to be called on to speak in the canvass,)
was a young member of the bar, comparatively a stranger to many in the
Borough, (having within the last year removed from Bickerbray,) and,
laboring under the infirmity of short-sightedness, wore a delicate pair
of gold spectacles. I have observed that short-sighted persons in
general are not apt to be popular in a Democratic government.
But there was another matter that operated against Agamemnon. Quodlibet
had been made the county-seat of justice by an act of the last
Legislature, and we were just finishing a court-house which, in
anticipation of this event, we had commenced a year before. A question
arose among the townspeople, whether the court-house square should be
surrounded by a wooden or by an iron railing. This question created
great agitation. Several Whigs of the Borough made themselves active in
the debate, and went for the iron. The New-Light Quods were strong for
wood. Agamemnon Flag, seeing that a great deal of ill blood was getting
up between the parties, made a speech to a town meeting on this subject,
and went in for a compromise--he was for wood on the _two sides_ and
_back_ of the square, and iron _in front_. This proposition he advocated
with great earnestness and ability, and finally carried his point by a
close vote. The wooden party said that the vote was not a fair one, and
that they could not regard it as a legitimate expression of the popular
voice, because it was taken just as a shower of rain was coming up, when
many persons present who had come without umbrellas had given no heed to
the question, and voted as it were in the dark. However, the vote was
not recalled, and the iron railing is now in a course of fabrication
over at the Hogback Forge, which happens unluckily to be owned by
Stephen P. Crabstock, one of the most bull-headed Whigs in this county,
the job being given by the commissioners to him in consequence of there
being no genuine New-Light Democratic iron works in this part of the
county.
When Agamemnon Flag was brought out at the head of the ticket for the
Legislature, nothing was said about the iron railing, and we had good
reason to suppose that every true Quod would support the nomination;
which in fact was made by the direction of our honorable representative
in Congress, who had a great liking for Flag in consequence of a very
beautifully written memoir of Mr. Flam, which appeared two years ago in
the Bickerbray Scrutinizer, when Flag lived in that town. In point of
principle, Agamemnon was altogether unexceptionable. He was an
out-and-out Flamite of the first water, and an unadulterated
Quodlibetarian in every sentiment.
Theodore Fog--I regret to be obliged to mention his name in any terms
of disparagement, because he is unquestionably a man of talents and a
true-bred New Light, and certainly we owe Theodore a good deal--had been
very sour for some time past. He had never forgotten the making of
Middleton Flam President of the bank. I have in a former chapter hinted
somewhat of Theodore's unfortunate habits. Dolet mihi,--I grieve to
repeat these things. But the truth must be told. His diurnal aberrations
became at length so conspicuous that, after being twice elected a
Director of the bank, his name was struck off the ticket and Anthony
Hardbottle's substituted in his place. Theodore never had much practice
at the bar, although he considers himself the founder of that fraternity
at Quodlibet, being for a season the only lawyer in the Borough. That
little practice had now pretty nearly left him; in consequence of which
he thought himself badly used, and therefore entitled to a support from
the public. These feelings operating upon his mind, induced him, soon
after the nomination of Agamemnon Flag, to come out in opposition and
declare himself an Independent Candidate.
The Whigs, taking advantage of this split in the party, brought out Andy
Grant, son of old Michael of the Hogback; a young man of fair character,
but wholly and fatally imbued with those dangerous opinions which have
already brought so many misfortunes upon our country.
This was the state of things at the commencement of the month of
September; and it will be seen in the sequel that very serious
difficulties grew out of this division.
A meeting of the voters of the county, which included the three towns of
Quodlibet, Tumbledown, and Bickerbray, was called at the Sycamore
Spring, upon the Rumblebottom, about five miles below Quodlibet. This
meeting was to be held on the eighth. A reference to these events is
necessary to explain the scene which I am about to present to my reader.
Jesse Ferret, as my reader knows, had brought himself into some scandal
by his indefinite political sentiments, and that most unquodlibetarian
dogma that "a Publican should have no side." Now, Mrs. Ferret and her
daughter, Susan Barndollar, were just antipodes to Jesse. Two truer
women, more firm-set in the New-Light Democracy, more constant in
opinion, whether in the utterance thereof or in its quality, and better
able to hold their own, have I never chanced to meet, than this
respectable mother and daughter. It is common to say women are not
allowed a voice in our government. My faith! these two ladies had a
voice in Quodlibet, allowed or not allowed--let the theory go as it
may:--and Jesse Ferret knows that full well.
Mrs. Ferret is what we call a fleshy or lusty woman: she weighed two
hundred and twelve, in Neal Hopper's new one-sided patent scale at the
mill. She is amazingly well padded with fat across the shoulders, and
has a craw-shaped bosom that in some degree encroaches upon her neck;
and she is famous for wearing a large frilled and quilled cap with many
blue ribbons, being a little given to finery. Although Susan Barndollar
was grown up and married, Mrs. Ferret had a child in the arms at that
time; and Jesse has even boasted, within the last five years, of running
two cradles at one time.
It was on the evening of the seventh of September, the night before the
meeting at the Sycamore Spring, when Mrs. Ferret had a tea drinking in
the back parlor, at which I, the only one of the masculine, was present
as a guest. Mrs. Younghusband was of the party, and Mrs. Snuffers, with
her interesting fat female infant nine months old; the same dear child
whose arrangements to appear in this world of cares procured me the
honor of presiding over the New Light, on the memorable occasion of Mr.
Flam's great speech at Christmas, whereof I have spoken in a former
chapter: thanks to Mrs. Snuffers for that considerate favor! This good
lady was there; and these two, with the addition of Miss Hardbottle,
elder sister of Barndollar & Hardbottle, and Mrs. Susan Barndollar, who
lived at home with her mother, made up the company.
"There is one thing," said Mrs. Ferret, as she rocked herself in a huge
hickory arm-chair, which had been built on purpose for her, "that I _do_
hold in despise; and that is, one of these here men who haint got no
opinions. Ef you believe me, Mrs. Snuffers, that man Jesse Ferret--this
woman's father, (pointing to Mrs. Barndollar,) God forgive me that I
should say anythink aginst my datur's own lawful flesh and blood!--but
he's actelly afeard to go down to-morrow to the Sycamore Spring to hear
the tongue-lashing which Theodore Fog, which is a man I always
respected--they say he drinks, but there's many a man which don't drink,
hasn't half his brains--Jesse's actelly afeard to go and hear how
Theodore will use up Ag Flag and Andy Grant both at the same time, least
they might be for making him take sides, which he hasn't the
spunk to do. My patience! but it would be nuts to me to hear the
speechification!--and, to think of it--that man hasn't the heart of a
goose to go to the meeting!"
"Ah, Mrs. Ferret," said Mrs. Snuffers, talking as if she had a cold in
the head, her voice being husky, in fact, from having taken a
large pinch of snuff, "them politicks--them politicks! Poor Mr.
Snuffers!--dear man: I 'spose you know he is President of the New Light;
he's losing his naiteral rest upon account of that split. He put in his
wote in the conwention for Ag, as innocent as a lamb, and here comes up
that obstropolus iron railing, and smashes all the New Lights into outer
darkness, with diwisions and contentions and all sorts of infractions.
Mr. Snuffers says he shouldn't wonder if that unfortnate step should
take the Hay Scales from him and leave me and this here innocent darlin'
babe in a state of destitution. Oh them politicks!"
"Well, let people stand by their colors, says I," interposed Mrs.
Barndollar, tartly, with a sharp shake of her head; "I go with my ma,
although pa is pa. I think people ought to speak what they please, and
mean what they please; and it's a mean thing not to do so, and that's
gospel truth, or else this is not a free country. Ma is right; and if
Mr. Snuffers is what Mr. Barndollar calls a Whole Hog, he'll not mind
the people a jot, but go with his party; that's the law. And I don't
agree by no means with ma, in going for Theodore against the
nomination."
"Susan Barndollar, are you in earnest?" inquired her affectionate ma.
"Who put it into your head to underrate and strangle down Theodore Fog,
the oldest friend we have had sence we came to Quodlibet? and who brings
more custom to our bar than the whole New-Light Club put together.
Susan, Susan, I hope Jacob hain't been putting none of these ungrateful
ideers into your breast. Ef this house of ours, commonly called and
known by the name of The Hero, ought to go for any human, mortal,
individual man, that man is Theodore Fog. Ef he is a little exintric in
regard of his drinking, it won't be no new think in the Legislater, ef
the tenth part of what I heerd is true. Ladies--tea," said the dame, as
at this time a negro woman entered with a tray filled with great store
of provender--"help yourself, Mrs. Younghusband--take a plate on your
knee, and fork up one of them warfields--and take care of your gown,
they're a dripping with butter. Mr. Secondthoughts, what under heaven
has become of your perliteness that you can see Mrs. Younghusband a
fishing up that briled dried beef without her fork no more sticking in
it than if it was a live eel in the gravy!"
"Never mind me, Mrs. Ferret," replied Mrs. Younghusband, "and don't be a
troublin' the schoolmaster on my account. They do say that there's some
persons as hard to catch and pin down as hung beef crisped and floating
in butter, and as you justly remarked, a while ago, one of these persons
is not a hundred miles off from this house:" and here this good woman
laughed heartily at her own joke.
"Oh Jesse Ferret, in course!" exclaimed the landlady.
"My pa!" said Mrs. Barndollar, joining in the laugh.
"As Mr. Ferret hasn't got many friends here," said Miss Hardbottle,
"I'll be one. I think he is quite right, if he has no opinions, not to
express them. Don't you think so, Mr. Secondthoughts?"
"Madam," said I in a very grave manner, "if I might be allowed to
express myself freely, I would venture to remark, that it is very
important to the ascendency of the New-Light Quodlibetarian Democratic
party, that there should be no strife nor division in our ranks; and
that, feeling the importance of this sentiment, it is one of our
fundamental principles to go with the majority--whenever it can be
ascertained. Now between Agamemnon Flag and Theodore Fog----"
"Theodore Fog is sich a _good_ creature!" interrupted Mrs. Ferret.
"Ag is a _dear_ young man," said Mrs. Barndollar.
"As for that, ladies," said Miss Hardbottle, "if you speak of goodness
or beauty, Andy Grant can beat either, though he is a Whig."
"Hester Hardbottle!" shouted Mrs. Ferret.
"Hester Hardbottle!" shouted Mrs. Snuffers.
"Hester Hardbottle!" shouted Mrs. Younghusband.
"Hester Hardbottle!" shouted Mrs. Barndollar--all four at once.
"I do think so," said Miss Hardbottle, sharply, "and what I do think, I
say."
"You have no right to say it, madam," said Mrs. Barndollar.
"Free country," said Miss Hardbottle.
"No such a thing for Whigs," quickly returned Mrs. Barndollar.
"Ladies! ladies! ladies!" said I, "peace, if you please:" but there was
no peace, for these excellent females soon got into such a state of
confusion in the attack and defense of Andy Grant, that I believe the
tea-party would have broken up in a state of rebellion, if it had not
been for the entrance of Mr. Ferret in the very height of the tumult.
His appearance gave another turn to the conversation, for it all turned
upon him.
"And so you are not going to the Sycamore Spring to-morrow," cried one.
"And I 'spose you won't vote for Theodore Fog," said Number Two.
"Nor for Ag Flag," said Number Three.
"But you will drop in a sly ticket for Andy Grant, may be, at last, ef
no one should find you out," said Mrs. Ferret, who in this series
counted Number Four. "Oh Jesse Ferret, ef you had a drop of blood in you
that wasn't milk-and-water, you would be ashamed of sich shilly-shally
conduct, that even the women makes you a laughing-stock!"
"Wife," said Jesse, taking a fierce stand in self-defense, "drop it! If
my blood was milk-and-water, it would be curds-and-whey before this
time. I tell you again, old lady, a Publican's got no right to have
sentiments. The party's double splitted, and no man knows which way to
turn himself. There's that cursed Iron Railing; and there's that
infernal Suspension; and there's the Divorce of the Government from bed
and board with the banks, that everybody's talking about; and there's
Purse and Sword, and Specie Circlar, and Mint Drops, and the Lord knows
what; that a poor, sinful, infallible tavern keeper doesn't know who's
who, and what's what. I'm sure I can't tell whether I'm on my head or my
heels; and if I was to go down yonder to the Sycamore Spring and hear
all the palavering there, I should get so flustrated I wouldn't know
which eend of me went foremost. So, I tell you I'll stay at home and
stick to my motto:--that's as good as if I swore to it. Solomon
Secondthoughts, ain't I right?"
"Jesse," said I, mildly, "have you any respect for the opinion of our
distinguished representative, my former pupil, Middleton Flam?"
"Well, I voted for him," replied Jesse.
"Then," said I, "I admit there is a great perplexity about all these
public measures and men, just at this time; and I am willing to allow
that the New-Light Democracy do not as yet exactly understand their own
minds; and therefore it is quite lawful to pause and look about you
before you take your stand. This thing is certain, that the New-Light
Democracy will undoubtedly go with the government, whatever line it
chalks out for following the footsteps of its illustrious predecessor.
Whether that line shall lead us North or South, East or West, my poor
skill is not able to instruct you. Whether we are _for_ the banks or
_against_ them, is yet undecided, since we are pledged at least in favor
of our own. In a Quodlibetarian sense, I do not scruple to affirm that
we are _against_ the banks and _for_ the divorce; but in a private sense
that opinion will require some reflection. Mr. Flam will be home from
Congress before long, and until then we shall suspend our opinion. We
are, at all hazards, real Flam men. Flam--I drop the mister when I speak
of him as a principle--is our polar star--our cynosure in politics--our
Pisgah, which gives us a view of the Promised Land. As a principle, our
New-Light Democracy is all out-and-out Flam. Flam is our father, our
guide, our Pillar of Cloud. Wait till Middleton Flam comes home."
Having thrown out these well-weighed and sententious remarks, both for
the women and for Jesse, I was inwardly delighted to see how soothing
was the effect upon my auditory; and as it is a precept inculcated by
some sage observer of mankind, I forget his name, to leave your company
when you have made an agreeable impression upon them, I did not tarry
for further converse, but took up my hat and stick, and bade my worthy
friends "good night."
Upon my return to my lodgings, I sat down and made the foregoing
narration of what had passed in my presence, and I have incorporated the
same into this history, with no little mortification; feeling myself
compelled thereto by the consideration that the scene I have described,
being, as it were, the first fruits of that unhappy dissension which
grew up among the New Lights, and a significant commentary thereon, it
may serve in the way of warning to all good Quodlibetarian Democrats who
may chance to peruse these pages, against the folly of ever allowing
themselves to have any individual opinions, when the leaders and
marshals of the party shall have taken the trouble off their hands of
thinking and determining for them. And, indeed, the moral may be carried
further. For it is obvious, if Jesse Ferret had acted in the spirit and
the intelligence of a true Quod, he would have ascertained the majority
and gone with it; instead of which, he intrenched himself behind this
fortress of neutrality, comprehended in the absurd dogma that a Publican
ought to have no sides. Undoubtedly, the true precept should be in all
cases of public servants, "Take the upper side." Thereon chiefly hangs
the Quodlibetarian theory.
CHAPTER IX.
GREAT MEETING AT THE SYCAMORE SPRING--SOME DESCRIPTION OF THE
ARRANGEMENTS--NICODEMUS HANDY CHOSEN TO PRESIDE ON THIS
OCCASION--MOTION TO THAT EFFECT BY MR. SNUFFERS--THIS WORTHY
GENTLEMAN'S MISFORTUNE--HIS ESCAPE--SUCCESSFUL ORGANIZATION
OF THE MEETING.
The morning of the 8th of September, Anno Domini 1837, was cloudless and
cool. The dust had been laid by a shower of rain a little before
daylight, and the day therefore was auspicious to the wishes of all who
proposed to assemble at the Sycamore Spring. By eight o'clock Ante
Meridiem, Nicodemus Handy's barouche, with two beautiful bays, stood
upon the gravel before Handy House on Copperplate Ridge. Agamemnon Flag,
attired in a new blue coat with figured gilt buttons, white waistcoat,
india-rubber watch-guard, snowy pantaloons of very fine drilling, and
boots of drab prunelle, tipped at the toes with polished French leather,
a watered-silk cravat, and gold spectacles, sat at the breakfast-table
with Mrs. Handy and Henrietta, her daughter--the smallest, the neatest,
and the best-shaped female, it is said by those who pretend to be
judges, in Quodlibet.
Nicodemus was in a flurry. He had swallowed his breakfast with great
dispatch, and four servants were busily in attendance upon him. Sam, the
waiter, was beating time in the hall with a corn whisk alternately upon
the person of his master and his left hand, after a very favorite and
ingenious fashion of dusting a gentleman's coat, only known to and
practiced by that musical race of colored dandies, of which Sam was a
first-rate specimen. Sarah, a lady of Sam's complexion, Mrs. Handy's
maid, was running up stairs to sprinkle some verbena perfume on Mr.
Handy's cambric handkerchief; William was smoothing the nap of his
glossy-black Brewster with a brush as soft as silk; and Mrs. Trotter,
the housekeeper, was arranging a basket of sandwiches and a bottle of
Rudesheimer to be stowed away in the box of the back seat of the
barouche. The coachman, in a sky-blue frock, and hat with gold band
secured by a huge buckle, was in his seat holding the reins, every
moment speaking to the horses to make them restive, and then whipping
them for not standing still. The whole scene was one eminently
calculated to disprove that stale Whig slander which purports to affirm
that "all the decency" was in their ranks:--nothing could be more
striking than this refutation of it. And as I was myself present--having
called in at that moment to deliver a message from the New-Light Club to
Mr. Handy, apprising him of their intention to move that he should act
as chairman of the meeting to be held at the Sycamore Spring--I
witnessed with lively satisfaction the very decided impression of
pleasure made upon an assemblage of New Lights, who stood looking on
outside of the front gate, by this triumphant vindication of our party
from the malevolent insinuations of the Whig press.
Agamemnon Flag seemed to be very much at his ease, and to be thinking
but little about the meeting, while he sat uttering some pleasant things
to Miss Handy;--at least I suppose they must have been pleasant to her,
as she and her mother both laughed a good deal at what he said.
By-the-by, there is a report in the Borough, that Ag is making up to
this young lady, which will be a grand thing for him if she favors him,
since she is an only child, and Nicodemus is amazingly rich.
"God bless me, my dear!" said Mr. Handy, breaking away from Sam's whisk,
and speaking after the manner of a table of contents, (a habit which he
has acquired since he has grown rich,) "past eight o'clock--I'm to be
the chairman of that meeting--ought to be early on the ground--five
miles off--no time for nonsense now--you and Henrietta and Ag--have to
drive like lightning--barbacue, my dear--want to see the arrangements
before the voters arrive--the schoolmaster will take a seat along side
of Nace."
"Thank you kindly," said I; "I accept your offer with great pleasure."
"Shan't want William," he added, referring to the servant who generally
rode with the coachman--"upon second thoughts, will put _our_
Secondthoughts inside--ha! ha!--_must_ have William--_shall_ want him;
you can sit (speaking to me) on the front seat--Ag and I behind--offer
the other seat to Barndollar--want to be civil to _him_, my dear--come,
hurry, hurry, hurry!--William, get on your livery and be prepared to
mount beside Nace."
As it was very manifest that Mr. Handy was really in a hurry--as very
opulent men are exceedingly apt to be--there was of course a great
bustle to accommodate him, by getting off. Agamemnon immediately rose
from the breakfast-table, and, taking up his superfine Leghorn hat,
which was very chastely adorned with a light yellow ribbon band, the
ends whereof hung a little over the rim, he put it gently on his head,
and then standing before the ladies, asked them with very apparent
complacency, whether they thought he was in good trim to appear before
the Democracy--and having received answer that "he was exactly the
thing," he signified his readiness to depart; whereupon we all bustled
out to the barouche and took our seats. William clambered into his
place, and away we went at full trot, down to The Hero to take up Jacob
Barndollar.
When we arrived at the tavern door, we found there Nim Porter's
trotting buggy with his stub-tailed gray. Nim himself appeared on the
steps in a big broad-brimmed low-crowned Russia blue hat, set very
knowingly over his right eye, with a long taper whip in his hand; and
before we could take up Mr. Barndollar, this most good natured of
bar-keepers, with an agility not to be expected in so fat a person,
sprang up into his tub-shaped seat, which held him about as compactly as
the shell of an acorn holds the nut, and spreading the skirts of his
green coatee with steel buttons over the periphery of the same, darted
off at a speed of about fifteen miles to the hour, down the Rumblebottom
road. During this time Mrs. Ferret filled the front door, and Mrs.
Barndollar was looking over her shoulder, while they both opened their
batteries upon poor Jesse Ferret, in a contemporaneous objurgation of
his mean-spiritedness, addressed to Mr. Handy in the barouche, but
intended for the master of the hotel, who looked rather sheepishly
through the window of the bar-room. Before he could say anything in his
own defense, and even before the amiable ladies of his family were done
talking, Jacob Barndollar came out, and got into the barouche; and as
Mr. Handy was growing more and more impatient, he ordered Nace to lose
no time, and so off we started. As well as I could judge, from looking
back, until we turned down by Christy M'Curdy's mill, Mrs. Ferret was
still arguing her case in the front door of The Hero.
All the roads leading to the Sycamore Spring were filled with persons
on horseback, on foot, in gigs, buggies, barouches, and rattle-traps of
every sort. It was obvious we were going to have a great meeting. Before
nine o'clock, Mr. Handy was on the ground. About a hundred persons were
already there. Booths were scattered along under the huge elms and
sycamores which shaded a low flat upon the margin of the Rumblebottom.
The fine, copious, old spring--where there has been many a barbacue in
my time--was pouring out its crystal treasures, as some poet says, with
prodigal bounty, and transferring them, as the Secretary does the
deposits, by large draughts, from the living rock to the running
Rumblebottom--in fact, taking them out of one bank, and distributing
them between others. Not far from this spring, adumbrated by
over-arching boughs--the reader will excuse this poetical orgasm--for
fifteen years and upwards have I been visiting this fountain, sacred to
Pan, (we used to have fish frys here,) and have ever grown poetical at
the sight thereof--it is my infirmity: not far from the spring stood the
tables--boards on trestles, and on the boards trenchers filled with
cubic sections of beef, lamb, mutton, and ham, interspersed with
pyramids of bread--a goodly sight! Upon skids, remote from the tables,
stood a barrel of old Monongahela, and hard by in a cart, tumblers,
pitchers, noggins, and bottles. Far off, at the opposite confine of this
field of action, was a stage erected, with a chair for the President of
the day, and benches of unplaned board for persons of inferior dignity.
Everything was in order; and now that Mr. Handy had arrived he had
nothing to do but wait for the gathering in of the people.
Presently Mr. Grant, mounted on a large bow-necked bay, arrived, with
his four sons, all men grown, of a rustic, farmer-like complexion; they
were attended by Augustus Postlethwaite Tompkinson, of The Whole Team,
and some dozen Whigs from Thorough Blue, who had traveled as far as Mr.
Grant's the night before, and now made a very solid and formidable
troop. Andrew Grant, the candidate, a youth of good presence, and
reputable, (bating his politics,) was of this party. Andy had been to
college, and his father first intended to make a doctor of him, but the
lad somehow took a dislike to physic, and turned in to this new business
of engineering on canals and railroads, and was considered, I believe, a
tolerably smart hand in that calling. But as he happened to catch a
bilious fever in the Dismal Swamp, the old lady his mother, who always
had made a pet of him, would not hear of his going back to that line of
livelihood; and so he stayed at home helping to manage at the Hogback
farm, and doing pretty much as _he_ pleased; until, about a year before
he was brought out, he married Stephen P. Crabstock's daughter; and ever
since that event does as his _wife_ pleases--spending his time one part
of the year at the Iron Works, and the other at the old man's.
By eleven o'clock the company had pretty nearly got to its maximum. A
large party came down in a wagon from Quodlibet with Abel Brawn--among
them Neal Hopper, Sandy Buttercrop, Davy Post the wheelwright, and I
can't tell how many more. Quipes, the painter, borrowed a horse out of
Geoffry Wheeler's team, and was there studying human nature and the
picturesque. Flan Sucker, one-eyed Ben Inky, and Jeff Drinker, with a
squad of regular loafers, came on foot. The Tumbledownians were there in
great force under Cale Goodfellow, to help Theodore Fog; and the
Bickerbrayians with Virgil Philpot, the editor of The Scrutinizer,
mustered a heavy phalanx in favor of Ag Flag. To swell the assemblage to
its largest compass, there were about fifty laborers from the
newly-begun Bickerbray and Meltpenny Railroad, a worthy accession to the
New-Light Democracy, who had about a month before this meeting come into
the State.
This is a hasty glance over the field of action, and will serve to show
that the country was all alive to the importance of the occasion and
duly estimated the nature of the crisis. Looking over this congregation
I, as one having knowledge therein, may safely affirm, that the genuine
Quods present fully outnumbered the Whigs three to one. Eliphalet Fox,
who has been more accustomed to measure crowds, however, after a minute
inspection of the various groups, judging by that tact which he says
never failed him in discriminating between what he calls a Loco Foco and
a Whig, (he does not pretend to say that he is so expert in pointing out
a New Light, but as to a Loco he asserts he is perfect,) set down the
number at nearer ten to one; and accordingly so reported it in the
account of the meeting which afterwards appeared in The Whole Hog.
Without, however, dwelling upon this topic, let us proceed to the
business of the day.
At twelve o'clock dinner was announced; and this army of hungry
politicians, with a unanimity of sentiment, an accord of principle, and
a concert of action, which we might in vain seek for in other
occupations of a political nature, combined, like a band of brothers, to
devour the largest possible amount of the stores which lay before them.
With somewhat less agreement they made their advances to the
Monongahela; the more shy of the assemblage being rather kept at bay by
the remarkable perseverance and adhesiveness of Flan Sucker, one-eyed
Ben Inky, and a chosen body of troops under their command, who had
constituted themselves the forlorn hope in this assault. Still, as the
newspapers say when they are disposed to puff a popular play, the barrel
went off very much to the satisfaction, and, indeed, the delight of the
company.
These matters being dispatched, Nicodemus Handy, who during the repast
had acted inimitably the part of a perfectly ravenous man, but who
having an eye to the sandwiches and Rudesheimer, made his appetite
rather a matter of "seems," rapped upon the table, and called upon every
man to fill up his glass; which order was faithfully obeyed by Flan
Sucker & Company, a firm that was in possession of all the tumblers--the
remainder of the guests allowing the filling to be, as we say in
grammar, "understood,"--and then offered the following toast, which, as
he said, would speak for itself:--"The several candidates who are about
to address the people--success to him who shall best deserve it!" Sucker
& Company drained to the bottom, and then set up a shrill yell, very
much in the style of the Winnebagoes, except that there was a running
note of "Yip!" that was distinctively Suckerian.
"Now, gentlemen, to the stand!" cried out Mr. Handy.
But before the crowd obeyed this order, Mr. Snuffers had a motion to
make. It was a matter of some importance, as the subject was considered
in the New-Light Club, that our party should have the President of the
day--and it was therefore determined that the moment dinner was over,
and before the Whigs might be aware of it, Mr. Snuffers, the head of our
club, should rise in some conspicuous place, and move that Nicodemus
Handy be requested to preside over the meeting. Mr. Snuffers is a slow
and nervous man, and was admonished to be on his guard, so as to make
sure of getting ahead of the Whigs who we knew wanted Mr. Grant in the
chair. He was in consequence very fidgety all the time of dinner; and
now, when the moment for action arrived, the good old gentleman elbowed
his way toward the center of the table, and without difficulty succeeded
in clambering upon an inverted and empty flour-barrel, which had once
been filled with bread. "I move, gentlemen," said he, with a tremulous
and agitated voice--"I move, gentlemen, that Mr. Nicodemus Handy----"
Before the next word escaped from his lips, this worthy and respectable
old gentleman broke in, and in an instant (I am shocked to tell it) was
jammed up tight in the barrel--disappearing as a dip of twenty to the
pound is apt to do when stuck into a black bottle--"be President of this
meeting," said Mr. Doubleday, with a hurried utterance, taking up the
word which was lost with Mr. Snuffers, and which, but for the admirable
presence of mind of our Vice, might have been lost forever.
"Break the barrel to pieces!" cried out forty voices.
"Mr. Snuffers is blue in the face--he will die of apoplexy," cried out
others.
"An ax!--knock the barrel to pieces!" shouted more, in great alarm at
his precarious situation.
In a few moments our distressed and worthy President of the New Light
was extricated from his unpleasant durance, and finding no harm done, we
proceeded to take the question on the motion. Mr. Handy was thus called
to the chair. Nine Vice-Presidents were appointed, and six Secretaries
to record the proceedings. These matters being arranged, the whole
assemblage moved toward the rostrum at the opposite end of the wood.
What followed we shall read in the next chapter.
CHAPTER X.
SCENES AT THE SYCAMORE SPRING--NICODEMUS HANDY'S SPEECH AS
PRESIDENT--SKETCH OF ANDREW GRANT'S SPEECH--AGAMEMNON
FLAG'S--ATTEMPTS AT INTERRUPTION--THEODORE FOG'S CELEBRATED
SPEECH ON THIS OCCASION--ELOQUENT EXPOSITION OF
PRINCIPLES--HIS TRIUMPH--HIS MISFORTUNE--QUIPES'S
DISAPPOINTMENT OF HIS FRIENDS.
When the crowd had gathered around the stand appropriated to the
President, the nine Vice-Presidents, and the six Secretaries, besides
the speakers who were to address the meeting, and when every officer was
in his place, Nicodemus Handy came forward with his pocket-handkerchief
in his hand, wiping from his brow the perspiration, which naturally
breaks out on a man of sensibility and wealth when called to discharge
the honorable and responsible function of presiding over a vast
concourse of freemen. By way of digression, I would take this occasion
to remark upon the extreme appropriateness of the phrase which is now
universally used in describing meetings of the people, and which always
refers to them as _freemen_. Ever since the people have been drilled to
walk in the way appointed for them by the leaders of their respective
parties, and are so liberally told how they must think, speak, and vote;
and when no man is allowed to walk out of that path without being
threatened with condign punishment, it is extremely proper, in order to
avoid odious imputations which malevolent observers might cast upon
them, on all occasions to employ the phrase I have alluded to; since, if
this were neglected, these malevolent observers might take it into their
heads to call the people of our free Republic Tools, Instruments,
Rank-and-File, and other names significant of a state of subserviency,
which in the eyes of strangers might cast discredit on our free
institutions: even the _officers_ of our government might be branded
with the name of _hirelings_ and _servants_, and an opinion might thus
be fostered that, instead of being the freest nation upon earth, we
were a set of slaves governed by a set of hired servants--a most
unwarrantable, unjust, and derogatory conclusion. For this reason, I am
particular in the language above employed, and I think that every
genuine Quod will see the value and the force of my vindication and use
of this phrase.
Mr. Handy rose to his feet, wiped his brow, and made a graceful
obedience to the assembled body of freemen.
"Gentlemen," said he, with a most laudable diffidence, in a voice which
not more than fifteen persons, exclusive of the nine Vices and six
Secretaries, could hear; "sensible of the great honor--endeavor to
discharge with fidelity--obvious incapacity--but exceedingly flattered
by the testimony of your confidence;" then wiping his brow, still more
vehemently, with his cambric handkerchief rolled up like a snow-ball, he
continued: "It falls to my lot to introduce to you our distinguished
friends, Agamemnon Flag, Andrew Grant, and Theodore Fog, Esquires, men
of whom any land may be proud--they will speak for themselves. With such
men to choose from, our country cannot fail to rise up to the
very midnight of prosperity, honor, and renown. Thanks for your
attention--rely upon your indulgence--Mr. Grant will lead off."
"Three cheers for Nicodemus Handy!" cried out several Quods, as soon as
our distinguished townsman took his seat; and, thereupon, about twenty
heads were uncovered, and the twenty throats appurtenant to the same
gave the three rounds called for.
Andrew Grant now came forward, and made a discourse of about an hour's
length. It was in the usual style of the Whigs, and began with an
attempt to raise an impression that the country, notwithstanding General
Jackson's express declaration to the contrary, given to the nation under
the solemn sanction of a presidential message, and notwithstanding his
successor's certificate to the same effect, was in a state of difficulty
and distress. This young man, not more than twenty-five years of age,
living in comparative obscurity, had the hardihood, in the face of a
large and respectable body of freemen, to contradict the word of two
Presidents of the United States! Then, after coloring this picture of
adversity with all imaginable hues of shade, he did not scruple to
affirm that the whole of these fancied embarrassments were brought on by
the _folly_, as he termed it, of our rulers--charged the great
Democratic majority of the nation with having carried bad measures
through Congress--said the Whigs had warned us of the results of these
measures--and even went to the point of asserting that the suspension of
the banks was the consequence of the acts of the party in power. To make
out this absurd proposition, he read extracts from the speeches of Whig
members, against the removal of the deposits, to show what he called
their prophecies of disaster to the people; then actually affirmed that
the experiment of General Jackson upon the Currency had failed, and that
all the Whig predictions had come true; and after sundry excursions into
the Hard Money and State-Bank systems of the administration, finally
wound up his remarks by a very fatiguing enumeration of the General's
pledges to the people before his election, and his changes of opinion
upon these subjects afterward;--in regard to which he produced and read
certain long-winded documents from the President and Secretaries, to the
great annoyance of our Quods, who, in fact, became so tired of this
impertinent matter, that not more than half a dozen of them remained
within hearing of the speaker, the great bulk of them having gone over
to the spring to refresh themselves in a more agreeable manner.
Eliphalet Fox very aptly remarked, immediately after this long prosing
was brought to an end, that the speech was a _perfect failure_: he had
heard Andy Grant spoken of as a young man of talents, but he turns out
to be a miserable take-in. "Nothing in him, sir!" said Eliphalet, in his
terse way; "nothing in him, sir!"
The Whigs, as is usual with them, affected to be hugely delighted.
Augustus Postlethwaite Tompkinson took pencil-notes and announced his
purpose to publish the speech entire. "A great speech that," said he to
Mr. Snuffers--"extraordinary young man!--great speech."
Mr. Handy now lost no time in presenting Agamemnon Flag, who came
forward with a confident, self-possessed air, smiling through his gold
spectacles, and apparently very much delighted at the opportunity of
presenting himself before his fellow-citizens.
"I see before me," said he, in a clear, fine-toned voice, and with an
a
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