Riches of grace
by E. E. Byrum · English · Gutenberg #36476 · 323,761 chars · public domain (US)
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Title: Riches of grace
A compilation of experiences in the Christian life; a narration of trials and victories along the way
Author: E. E. Byrum
Release date: June 20, 2011 [eBook #36476]
Most recently updated: January 7, 2021
Language: English
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*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK RICHES OF GRACE ***
Produced by David Garcia, Joel Erickson and the Online
Distributed Proofreading Team at https://www.pgdp.net
CHRISTIAN LIFE SERIES
Riches of Grace
A Compilation of Experiences in the Christian Life--A Narration
of Trials and Victories Along the Way
BY E. E. BYRUM
* * * * *
By grace are ye saved through faith.--Eph 2:8.
Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may
obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.--Heb. 4:16.
* * * * *
GOSPEL TRUMPET COMPANY
Anderson, Indiana, U. S. A.
Copyright, 1918
BY
E. E. Byrum
Riches of Grace (Cloth) $1.00
OTHER BOOKS BY THE SAME AUTHOR
Startling Incidents and Experiences in the Christian Life (Cloth) $1.00
The Ordinances of the Bible (Cloth) .40
How We Got Our Bible (Paper) .10
What Shall I Do To Be Saved? (Cloth) .35
The Secret of Salvation: How to Get It and How to Keep It (Cloth) .60
CONTENTS
Page
1. The Joy and Blessings of a Christian Life 13
2. Experience of a Minister 21
3. The Testimony of a Prisoner 55
4. A Little Chinese Girl 59
5. Persecutions and Victories of an Evangelist 69
6. The Secret of a Perfect Life 89
7. Conversion of a Young Jewish Rabbi 99
8. Among Mohammedans in Egypt 129
9. A Daughter's Faith Rewarded 141
10. Missionary Experiences in British West Indies 145
11. The Rescue of an Australian Lad 155
12. Heathen Customs in China 159
13. Deliverance from Discouragements and Extremism 167
14. Liberated from Faultfinding 199
15. Help from God in Fiery Trials 205
16. Experience of a School-Teacher in India 235
17. Unconquered Will Won by Love 237
18. An Experience of a Hundred Years Ago 245
19. An Indian Mother's Submission 253
20. The Conversion of My Father 257
21. My Spiritual Struggles and Victories 271
22. Thought He had Sinned away His Day of Grace 283
23. Spiritual Tests 293
24. The Confession of a Murderer 301
25. Making a Complete Surrender 307
26. Interesting Narratives and Helpful Instruction 313
_a._ Failed to Forgive Those Who Wronged Him 315
_b._ Despondency and Discouragement 316
_c._ Unnecessary Self-Accusations 318
_d._ Troubled about Making Confessions 319
_e._ Accused God of Not Being Just 323
_f._ When the Tempter Comes Oftenest 324
_g._ Trials Made Stepping-Stones to Greater Victories 325
27. Zion's Bank (A Poem) 331
Author's Preface
To be right with God and to have a constant knowledge of his approval is
the desire of every Christian. Many people deep in sin and others honest
at heart have a longing to live a righteous life, but they have always
found obstacles in their pathway and have been defeated in every
attempt.
In the preparation of this volume the author has aimed to refer to such
obstacles and hindrances in the lives of others, so that any one passing
through a trial or laboring under a heavy burden or oppression may, by
reading these narratives, learn how to find relief.
A lady who was victor over many trials and impositions of the enemy, and
who knew that I had been passing through some severe ordeals, said to
me: "It does me good, and is a source of great encouragement, even to
know that you and others who are supposed to be strong in faith have
trials and severe testings occasionally." It is hoped that the trials
and the victories mentioned herein will be not only a source of
encouragement to others but such an inspiration to their faith that they
will be enabled to understand and do the will of God.
This book is a compilation of experiences from people in various parts
of the world who have written by special request of the author. The fact
that they were written by people in China, India, Australia, Egypt, West
Indies, and other countries, is evidence that although the environment
and circumstances may differ, yet God is everywhere the same to fulfil
the promises given in his Word, in all countries and among the people
of every nation. Although the names and addresses are not given, the
experiences are genuine, and the author will take pleasure in furnishing
information concerning any of them.
The "Experience of a Hundred Years Ago," given on page 245 was taken
from an old book that in my early childhood days I often saw my mother
read. The book was old and worn long before I was born, and I have only
a few pages as a relic of early remembrances. It was entitled "The
Riches of Grace."
No doubt the title of this old book, together with a knowledge of the
comfort and consolation that my mother received from reading the many
Christian experiences it contained, contributed to my inspiration in
presenting these pages for the benefit of others.
I hereby acknowledge my indebtedness and heartfelt thanks to those who
have so kindly contributed to this compilation of experiences, and I
trust that every burdened soul that reads these experiences may take
courage and may henceforth abound in the riches of the grace of God.
Yours for a victorious life,
E. E. BYRUM.
Anderson, Indiana, January 16, 1918.
RICHES OF GRACE
The Joy and Blessings of a Christian Life
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 1
The pathway of life has its shadows and sunshine, its pleasures and
sorrows; and in the Christian life, I am convinced, many people live in
the shadow more than in the sunshine, when they could very well have it
otherwise.
When I was about thirteen years of age, I yielded myself to the Lord and
made a decision to spend my life in his service. Since that time, like
Christian in Bunyan's "Pilgrim's Progress," I have met with many and
varied experiences; but one beautiful encouraging thought has been that,
no matter how hard my trials, how near my strength was gone, nor how
little my courage lacked of failing, just at that time, when I was the
most helpless, God was always present to help either by his Spirit or by
sending one of his servants to encourage and strengthen me.
I have, indeed, found the Christian life to be a warfare. Every
individual who enlists in the service of the Lord will have the forces
of evil to battle against, but God has made provision whereby every
child of God can be an overcomer in every conflict. The one who has a
firm decision to be true at any cost will receive such power and help
that Satan can not prevent him from serving the Lord. The enemy may
try to hinder by causing trials, difficulties, and perplexities, and
at times the way may seem dark, with no apparent hope of day; but our
God, who is mighty, will turn all these seeming hindrances into real
blessings and make them stepping-stones to glory.
In my youthful days I felt a deep desire to work for God and longed to
fill some place in life where I could feel that I not only was living a
life of salvation, but was really engaged in my Master's service. As I
knelt in earnest prayer and consecrated myself fully to the Lord for him
to direct me as seemed best, a dark sorrow filled my heart; for Satan
whispered: "You are too young. You can not stand against the powers of
evil that all young people must meet. Your covenant with the Lord is too
great for you to keep." But with tears I cried unto the Lord to know if
these suggestions were true. At that moment the Lord gave me the
assurance that if I decided to serve him he would teach me how to do so.
He would give me grace in every time of need.
Some time after this I became very ill and knew unless God came to
my aid I should soon have to leave this world. As I thought of my
condition, a joy filled my soul that I might soon be with the Lord.
With this joy came also a sadness, as I realized that I had done nothing
in the vineyard of the Lord. It seemed that I could not bear to go
empty-handed. I prayed God to spare my life that I might work for him.
He graciously and instantly touched my body with his healing power, and
in a few days I was able to attend school.
Once I was about to make a decision and take a step that would have
hindered me from filling the place the Lord designed I should fill. At
that moment the Lord made known to me by his Holy Spirit in such a way
that I could not question his leadings that he had called me to his
service, and also made known to me the place that I was chosen to fill.
Immediately I was reminded of my covenant with the Lord, although I had
to stand against the pleadings and earnest entreaties of some of my very
dear friends.
Before this I had decided not to leave my mother, but to work near
my home so that I could readily respond in case of sickness. After
considerable meditation about the matter of leaving my father and
mother, brothers and sisters, in order to take up my work for the Lord,
the matter became very serious. Finally I went to the Lord one morning
in earnest prayer. I shall never forget that season of prayer, when I
seemed to be in the direct presence of the Lord. My consecration was
put to a test as one question after another was presented, as to whether
or not I should be willing to die, to really give my life, if God so
designed, that my unsaved loved ones might be saved, or to do the same
for lost souls who were not dear to me according to the ties of nature.
And again, should I be willing to give my life for lost sinners and
have them scoff and spurn me? These were hard questions, but my heart
said: "Lord, thy will be done. Where thou leadest I will follow." I was
solemnly impressed with the thought: Jesus came to save a lost world,
but they crucified him; instead of accepting his love, they rejected it.
Within a short time I had the matter settled beyond a doubt that the
time had come for me to enter upon the mission whereunto the Lord had
called me. The way began to open before me, and as I bid loved ones
farewell, a sweet assurance filled my soul that my decision and action
was in accordance with His will. It gave me much sorrow to leave home,
but God so blessed and directed me that I have never been sorry that I
obeyed his voice. Over and over I have proved that God's way is best.
His way may cause pain and sorrow at times, which we may not be able to
understand, but in the end we can know of a truth that God has caused
all things to work together for our good and for his glory.
At one time I was very much tested, and discouragements presented
themselves. I was trying hard to be an overcomer and to cast every
burden upon the Lord. The enemy would suggest that it was of no use for
me to try to stand against the things that were oppressing me and that
it would be better to surrender, and even give place to discouragements,
and that even though I should come out a conqueror later, no one would
ever know anything about it. At first this suggestion seemed plausible,
but upon further consideration I said: "No, I will not surrender. If no
one else ever knows, I will know, God will know, and the devil will
know, that I stood true and came out victorious." This experience has
since that time often been a real encouragement to me.
At another time I had for weeks been passing through real testing times.
Occasionally the trials would lift and God would bless my soul, but
again the darkness of depressions would settle over me. I began to weary
and to long for deliverance. The suggestion came that it would be better
for me to cease serving God and never to try again. Over and over
something whispered that there was no use to continue; that if others
who were older and better qualified fell by the wayside and could not
stand, there was positively no use in my trying. Finally the enemy
insisted that there was nothing else for me to do than to give up, and
that, after all, I was in a deplorable spiritual condition; that there
was no hope for me. At this point I discerned that it was the enemy,
and, kneeling before God, I promised him that if he could get more glory
out of my life by my being in such a trial all the rest of my days,
I was willing to submit to the trial. When I came to this decision my
trial vanished suddenly, and God poured the glory into my soul and
the victory was far sweeter than the trial had been bitter.
Sometimes I have had trials in which I could see no good nor from which
I could not perceive how any good could possibly result; but later I
would be enabled to know that those very trials were worth more to me
than any treasure this earth could afford.
As I look upon my past life and see how mercifully God has dealt with
me, how he has guided and protected, and how he has shielded me from the
power of the tempter, my heart cries out, "What a mighty God! What a
great and loving Father!" Counting my blessings, I find they so far
outnumber my trials that it brings me real courage to press on, knowing,
as I do, that grace will be given me to meet whatever may yet lie in my
pathway. "For there hath no temptation taken you but such as is common
to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above
that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to
escape, that ye may be able to bear it" (1 Cor. 10:13).
Experiences of a Minister
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 2
A careworn woman once asked a philosopher how she might obtain relief
from and victory over the trials and sorrows of life. He said to her,
"Fetch me a cup of salt from some home where sorrow and care has never
entered, and I will then tell you the secret of victory." After a long
and weary journey, she returned to him saying that she had given up the
search in despair; for in all her travels she found no home entirely
free from care and sorrow. Like this poor woman, I once longed and
sought for some state or condition in life where I might be free from
the cares and perplexities that distressed me, but my search too seemed
fruitless. At last, after many disappointments, I found the more
excellent way of victory over my trials through simple, trusting faith
in Him who notes even the sparrow's fall.
Before I fully learned this lesson, there were times in my life when it
seemed I was on the verge of despair, so severe were my trials. As I now
look back to those scenes and experiences, there come to my mind the
pathetic lines of Longfellow's poem "The Bridge."
For my heart was hot and restless,
And my life was full of care,
And the burden laid upon me
Seemed greater than I could bear.
But now it has fallen from me,
It is buried in the sea;
And only the sorrow of others
Throws its shadow over me.
And I think how many thousands
Of care-encumbered men,
Each bearing his burden of sorrow,
Have crossed the bridge since then.
For the sake of the many thousands who are still trying to bear their
own burdens, I send forth the following account of some of my life's
experiences. I trust the Lord may use it to help some on their way to
the feet of Him who said, "Come unto me, all ye that labor and are
heavy-laden, and I will give you rest" (Matt. 11:28).
There are doubtless thousands whose sins have been forgiven, but
who have not yet learned by actual experience the precious privilege
expressed in these words: "Casting all your care upon him, for he careth
for you" (1 Pet. 5:7). An old lady was once trudging along a hot and
dusty highway carrying a heavy basket. She was soon overtaken by a kind
man, who invited her to take a seat in the rear of his carriage. After
some time had passed, he looked back to see how his passenger was
getting along, when he was astonished to see her holding that heavy
basket on her lap. "Grandma," said he, "there is plenty of room; why do
you not set your basket down?" "Oh," she replied, "you are so kind to
take me in that I thought I would make the load as light as possible for
your horses, so I concluded to carry the basket myself." We may smile at
her reply, yet many who have trusted the Lord to forgive their sins, are
nevertheless trying still to carry their own burdens.
MY CONVERSION
In early childhood I was taught to pray and to reverence God's Word.
I was deeply impressed with the truths that I learned at Sunday-school.
Even as a child I loved the preaching-service, and the Word of God made
a strong and lasting impression upon my mind.
When I was about ten years old, a revival was held in my home community.
At an afternoon service, held especially for the children, I responded
to the altar-call, and there I was completely broken up, the tears
running in profusion down my face. My dear mother knelt by my side:
"My boy," she said, "if you should desire anything good that I could
bestow upon you, would you ask me for it?" I promptly replied in the
affirmative. "Then," she continued, "would you believe that your request
would be granted?" Again I answered in the affirmative. "That is the way
to receive God's blessings," she said. "Now, when you ask the Lord to
forgive your sins, believe that he hears and answers your prayer."
In simple, child-like faith I believed the promise, and the peace of
God gently flooded my soul. One of the most prominent features of my
childhood experience was the peculiar love I felt for every one.
I longed to see my companions saved.
EARLY TRIALS
Soon after my conversion and before that special series of meetings
closed, I heard the pastor relate the experience of a certain boy who
had sought and found the Lord. He said that after a period of earnest
seeking, all the darkness was instantly dispelled and the boy was
wonderfully saved. Judging from this vivid description, I decided
that the boy must have witnessed some sudden manifestation of light.
Immediately I began to doubt my experience. I was still more disturbed
when I saw older persons struggling night after night at the altar and
then finally experiencing some powerful emotions which seemed to be far
more wonderful than anything that I had experienced. Sometimes I wished
that I too might go to the altar again and pray and struggle until some
wonderful demonstration should be given to me; but I was naturally
backward and timid, and could scarcely make up my mind to go through
such an ordeal of struggling as I had witnessed in some of more mature
years.
ENCOURAGEMENTS
Although at times I was greatly distressed, yet often when I was in
secret prayer, my heart was greatly comforted and I experienced seasons
of quiet, peaceful blessings. I noticed, too, that some who had
wonderful outward demonstrations at the time they were converted, did
not hold out very long, but soon drifted back into sin, while in my own
heart the desire still remained to be true to the Lord.
CONFLICTS
I did not, however, enjoy constant victory. At times I gave way to
ill-temper or selfish motives. My conscience being tender, I often felt
instant condemnation after yielding to these things, and then I would
pour out my heart in secret prayer for forgiveness and for grace and
strength to resist the temptation more successfully the next time. I
remember, also, occasions when, upon the approach of temptation, I would
steal away to the secret place of prayer and ask for strength to keep me
sweet in my soul. I could then go forth to meet my trials with the
utmost calmness and serenity, and victory then seemed easy.
Although I had a Christian home, yet sorrows and trials came into my
young life, very painful ones at times. How often I would seek the place
of prayer and there in simple, child-like faith unburden my heart to the
Lord. Whenever I called upon him, he always gave me relief and never
failed to provide a way of escape from every temptation and difficulty.
"In seasons of distress and grief,
My soul has often found relief,
And oft escaped the tempter's snare,
By thy return, sweet hour of prayer."
HEALING
Although I had never received any definite teaching on the subject of
divine healing, yet almost intuitively, it seems, I would call upon the
Lord for help when afflicted, and would receive the needed help. Several
times my mother seemed to be at the point of death. With troubled heart,
I sought the place of prayer to tell the Lord all about it. My heart was
comforted, my prayers were answered, and Mother was spared.
CALL TO THE MINISTRY
Even in childhood I learned to pray and to testify in public. At first
these things were very hard for me, owing to my timid disposition.
However, I was always blessed in the effort. The impression came to me
early in life that some day I should preach the gospel; in fact, I would
occasionally find myself mentally addressing an imaginary audience. Many
of my acquaintances also were impressed that the ministry would be my
life-work.
DRIFTING
As time went on, formality again found its way into our meetings, and I
also imbibed its spirit. My conscience was no longer as tender as it had
been, and I actually indulged in things that were sinful. Still I kept
up my profession, attended the services, testified and prayed in public,
and was generally counted a good Christian.
CONVICTION
At last a humble man of God became our pastor. Without fear, and yet in
gentleness and meekness, he preached the Word of God as far as he had
light. As I sat under his preaching, the truth went straight to my
heart, and I began to see my lack. The revival meeting had now begun,
and I saw that I must either serve God in earnest, obeying him in all
things, or quit professing.
RECLAIMED
One night after services, while on the way to my room, I resolved to get
where the Lord would have me to be even if I should have to pray all
night. I began; but the more I prayed the worse I felt. I was shown one
thing after another that I should have to give up or make right if I
would enjoy God's favor. About the midnight hour, I had said the last
yes to God, and then came the test of faith. That very evening I had
heard the minister instructing seekers to give up all sin, to ask God's
forgiveness, and then to believe his promise that he forgives and
saves, whether any change was noticed in the feelings or not; and
although I had always longed for the great emotions I thought others had
experienced, yet in the absence of any particular feeling, I was willing
to believe God's promise.
When I first began to pray, I was conscious of a great deal of fear,
which deepened until it seemed I was almost in despair; but as I yielded
my will to God's will, all fears subsided, and just before I grasped the
promise, I was void of any particular emotion. It seemed to please the
Lord to take this plan to teach me that, after all, salvation does not
come by feeling. Then calmly and quietly I laid hold upon the promise,
"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins,
and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9). I said to the
Lord, "Now I am willing to forsake all sin and do all thou wouldst have
me to do; and although I do not feel any great change, yet I believe
that, according to thy Word, thou dost save me now." Quietly but
earnestly I said from the depths of my heart, "Jesus saves me now."
In a short time the peace of God gently flooded my soul, and I knew
that my sins were forgiven.
After spending some time in peaceful communion with God, I went to
sleep, knowing beyond a doubt that if I should never awaken, my spirit
would immediately take its flight to the realms of the blest. In my
gratitude, the tears streamed down my face, and I wondered how I had
ever been content to live at such a distance from God as I had lived
during the past few years.
CONFLICT WITH DOUBTS
When I awoke the next morning, the peace of God was still in my soul;
but Satan faintly whispered, "Perhaps, after all, you were mistaken last
night; you may not have a genuine experience of salvation." He suggested
also, "You do not feel quite so joyful as you did." In spite of all
this, I knew that a great change had taken place in me. Some whom I had
previously hated, I now most tenderly loved. Life had a new charm for
me, and I remarked to my mother that it seemed that I had just begun
to live. So in spite of all the doubts suggested by the evil one,
I testified publicly how God had most wonderfully blessed me. While
testifying, I was blessed again.
FEELINGS
I now turned my attention toward my feelings and decided that the normal
experience of the Christian was to be happy and joyful constantly. My
joy soon settled down into a deep, calm peace. Soon the enemy began to
suggest, "Where is your joy? You must be losing out." At these times
I tried to stir my emotions again by meditation and earnest prayer.
However, I was not always successful; and often great distress settled
over my spirit. Sometimes I would almost decide that I must be unsaved,
although I also had victory over the sins that formerly held me in
bondage, and my supreme desire was to do God's will in all things. Yet
my feelings were so variable that perhaps one day I would feel glad and
joyful and would conclude that I was truly saved. At such times I would
decide never to doubt my experience again; then probably the next day,
if not the very same day, my feelings would change, and the old doubts
would come back again.
SEVERE TEMPTATIONS
I was also surprized in another respect. The old temptations that had
seemingly left me never to return, as I had hoped, came back with
renewed force. By earnest prayer, however, I obtained complete
deliverance. This taught me the necessity of watching and praying.
RESTITUTION
After some time I received light on the subject of restitution. Although
I had never committed any grave or serious wrongs against any one, yet
I need to confess some things and to make proper restitution to certain
individuals. This was very humbling to me, as I was generally considered
a good boy and a model young man in the community where I was born and
reared and where I still resided at the time of my restoration to the
favor of God. In fact, many seemed to believe that I was a pretty good
Christian at the very time I was in my backslidden condition. It,
therefore, took a great deal of grace to humble myself sufficiently to
make these wrongs right. However, I was always blessed in making the
required restitution.
GOING TO EXTREMES
At first Satan tried to keep me from making any restitution. Then, after
I had started, and he saw he could not prevent me, he pushed me to the
other extreme. One little neglect or forgetfulness after another came to
mind until it seemed to me there would be no end of making reparation.
These little shortcomings were so trivial in their nature that, as I now
review them, I am convinced that they were either no wrongs at all or
else merely mistakes resulting from a lack of wisdom or knowledge, and
that they had been readily overlooked at the time or soon forgotten by
all parties concerned until my own mind began to search for them.
The following will suffice as a fair sample: I had by oversight
forgotten to return a borrowed lead pencil, which had been about
three-fourths used up. Months afterwards I happened to think of it, and
I became so worried and accused that I finally attempted restitution,
as I had already done in perhaps dozens of other just such trivial
instances.
I was also driven to the consideration of my past conduct in the light
of my present experience. I then made apologies one after another for my
past failures. In some instances this was perfectly proper; but again I
was driven to such extremes that I scarcely had any peace. The natural
result was that I watched every word and act so carefully that often
I was afraid to smile, for fear I might laugh at the wrong time. I was
so busy watching myself that I did not get much enjoyment out of my
religious experience. Indeed, the standard I set for myself was so rigid
that I speedily came into bondage. I was unhappy myself and made others
unhappy about me. However, I had no intention of going back into sin.
BECOMING ASCETIC
I took a great interest in reading religious books and papers. Although
doubtless the motives of those who wrote these were high and noble, and
their sole aim and purpose was to further the interests of God's kingdom
on earth, yet some of these productions were written in such a manner as
to cause a conscientious soul to feel that it is almost impossible for
an ordinary person to reach a standard of experience and life such as
they set up. My natural tendency, however, impelled me to try in my weak
way to pattern after the most rigid examples. I noticed that some of the
characters mentioned were given to much fasting and to abstinence from
all except the very plainest of foods. My tendency toward extremes again
asserted itself, and sometimes I felt condemned for enjoying even a
wholesome meal. I remember one occasion when I worried because I had
indulged in eating a reasonable amount of meat which was pleasing to
my taste.
The last year I was in school these morbid tendencies reached their
climax. I had read of devoted men in the ministry who had labored so
zealously that they allowed themselves only six hours sleep. Besides
their daily tasks, which were enormous, some of these men had spent as
long as two hours each day in private devotions. I tried to force myself
to this rigid routine, besides keeping up with my classes in the
university. Almost every night religious services were held either in
the chapel or in some cottage. On Sunday there were four and sometimes
five services. Of course, I felt duty bound to attend all of these,
besides keeping up daily my two hours of private devotions. Sometimes
I was obliged to lose a part of the six hours allotted for sleep, in
order to carry out this rigid program I had set for myself. Not only did
I suffer from exhaustion induced by the constant and heavy strain; but
if I happened to fail in spending the full two hours in prayer or in
reading the Scriptures, I would sometimes be so terribly accused that
I would resort to a public confession of my "neglect," and once I went
to the public altar under accusation that was largely due to this very
cause.
I had heard a great deal, also, concerning our obligation to do personal
work and threw myself into this phase of Christian activity. Of course,
I soon went to extremes. If I happened to be in the company of some one
for a short time and failed to speak to him about his soul's welfare,
I was likely to be dreadfully accused for gross neglect of duty. Under
such circumstances it was hard for me to testify, because the accuser
could always find some "neglect" or "oversight" with which to trouble
me. On the other hand, I was afraid not to testify lest I should soon be
hopelessly backslidden if I neglected this duty. So I finally drifted
into the habit of silently asking God's forgiveness for any possible
"neglect" in any way, just before rising to testify, so as to make sure
that I was in a proper condition to witness for the Lord. All this was
exceedingly wearing on my whole being.
A MORBID CONSCIENCE
At last my conscience became so morbid that every sermon I heard and
every religious book or tract I read was at once compared with my
experience to see if I lacked in even the lightest details. I happened
to read of one devoted man who literally gave all his possessions to
the Lord's work. Immediately I thought of the small amount of money that
I had with which to pay my winter's tuition in the university. It was
not quite enough to pay all my expenses, and yet when I would decide
that I could not give my "all" to the Lord's work, terrible accusations
would crush me down until it seemed that my reason itself would become
unbalanced. In my despair, I opened up my heart to a trusted friend, and
he showed me that this was clearly an accusation from Satan and should
be entirely ignored. All these things told sadly on my mental and
physical condition, so that when the school year ended and I returned
home to my friends, they were very much disappointed in me. Finally they
became alarmed at my morbid condition.
OBTAINING RELIEF
Satan at last overdid himself; and by the help of kind friends, I
discerned his devices and the extremes to which I had been driven. Once
the following lines were quoted to me: "If you want to be distracted,
look about you; if you would be miserable, look within; but if you would
be happy, look to Jesus." These I shall never forget. A friend also
pointed out the fact that I was constantly feeling my spiritual pulse.
He said that this was just as detrimental to my spiritual condition as
the constant counting of heart-beats would be to my physical health.
Just as a patient would be likely to imagine himself afflicted with
heart-trouble, so the same habit in the spiritual realm would, if
continually indulged, prove disastrous to constant peace and victory.
It took some time to throw off entirely the "straight jacket" which had
been imposed upon me; but by patient persistence, with God's grace, I
was made an overcomer. I was taught to discern the difference between
accusations and the workings of the Spirit of God. The voice of the
accuser is harsh, cruel, nagging, or exacting; God's Spirit is mild,
gentle, and encouraging. When God's Spirit reveals anything, it is made
clear and plain. The accuser bewilders, confuses, and discourages. I
also learned that our kind heavenly Father is not watching for an
opportunity to cast us off, but rather he is seeking by the wooings of
his gentle Spirit to lead us into green pastures and beside the still
waters, where we may nourish our souls and become strong to meet the
battles and trials of life. He will show us our shortcomings, but not
in a way that will discourage or crush us.
Oftentimes while I was under such crushing accusations, the tempter
would say, "How can you ever hope to preach the gospel, when you are so
unsettled in your own experience?" One day there came to my mind the
scripture in Eph. 3:20, which says that he is able to do exceeding
abundantly above all that we can ask or think. I decided that in some
way God would work out his purpose concerning my life if I would
patiently serve him to the best of my knowledge and ability.
INHERITED DISPOSITION TO WORRY
Another lesson I needed to learn was to trust God with the future. I was
naturally inclined to worry. For several generations back my ancestors
on one side of my family tree had been given to excessive worry, their
condition at times bordering on utter despondency. I was painfully
conscious of this inheritance in my constitutional make-up. In my morbid
imagination, nearly every threatening trouble was magnified to the
proportion of a dreadful disaster. Many an hour, and even days, I wasted
in useless worry. Perhaps not one tenth of my gloomy forebodings ever
materialized.
FACING A NERVOUS COLLAPSE
In order to teach me more thoroughly the lesson of trust, the Lord
permitted me to pass through a peculiar and severe trial. As I looked
forward to the time when I hoped to take up the active work of the
ministry, I had a great desire to be at my best in every way. I had
hoped to be in good health so that I might be able to bear the strain of
the work and to meet every emergency that might arise. But just as I was
about ready to enter upon my life's mission, I found my health breaking
and myself on the verge of a nervous breakdown. This was indeed a keen
disappointment to me. My sufferings at times seemed almost intolerable.
I could not understand it: I longed so much to be of real service to God
and to accomplish what I regarded as my life-work--the ministry.
Although the prospects seemed gloomy and my friends expected a complete
breakdown in my health, yet I determined to go forward in the name of
the Lord and to do the best I could. I even began to fear that my reason
would be dethroned. However, I said nothing about my condition to my
congregation, but sought to be a blessing to them in every way. I
finally tried to form the habit of beginning each day with a season of
thanksgiving for all the blessings I could think of. This proved to be
very helpful.
RELIEVED BY HELPING OTHERS
Some days were more trying than others. While passing through the
severest tests I learned that it was very helpful to look for some other
tried or tempted ones and do my best to cheer and comfort them. Just a
few doors from where I roomed was a lady past middle age, who had been a
sufferer for eleven years. She had been helpless during the greater part
of that time. I went to see her often and did what I could to lighten
her burdens. She knew nothing of my sufferings, however. She was so
grateful for everything I did for her, and the Lord's presence was so
real every time I talked or prayed with her that invariably I was
abundantly helped in the very efforts put forth to cheer and comfort
her. Sometimes my heart carried an almost intolerable burden; but after
a call in this home of affliction, my burden would grow light and I
would sometimes wonder which had been helped the more, she or I. Also,
when I considered what she had endured for so long, I was ashamed to
tolerate anything like discontent concerning my own lot, which, though
seemingly so hard at times, was so much better and easier, in some
respects at least, than hers.
There were times when, to add to my sufferings, Satan would bring
against me accusations that I could not have borne without special help
from God. Often the old temptations to doubt my experience of salvation
would return with tremendous force, and if I had listened to the enemy's
suggestions, I should have cast aside my experience in spite of all
that God had ever done for me. The accuser would sometimes begin by
suggesting that I had never been truly sanctified. (I obtained the
experience of entire sanctification soon after entering the work of
the ministry.) Then the enemy would become more bold and would suggest,
"You know that you have often had serious doubts concerning your
experience of justification, and after all, perhaps you have never been
truly converted."
After annoying and distressing me in this manner, Satan would fling at
me such taunts as these: "You are a pretty example of a minister who is
supposed to be truly called and qualified of God to preach his Word."
Many times I would have a conflict like this just before rising to
preach. If I had given way to feelings, I would rather have sought some
place of quiet seclusion than to have faced the waiting congregation
before me. But then the thought would come, "Perhaps in the congregation
there are tempted and tried souls who need special help"; and so I would
decide to preach, not according to how I felt, but according to actual
knowledge of God's Word, which is ever unchanging. It seemed that
whenever I was most severely tried in this manner, I would get the
greatest victory and blessing by moving out in the performance of
whatever duty confronted me. Indeed, I do not remember a single instance
when I failed to preach at the appointed hour on account of the state of
my feelings.
I sometimes wondered why the conflict was so long, for I suffered thus
month after month. Sometimes I comforted myself with the thought that
some day death would bring relief; but I learned at last that God was
only permitting these sufferings in order to refine the gold. My best
and most helpful sermons were preached while I was in the very midst of
the deepest suffering.
BECOMING RECONCILED
At last I came to realize that it mattered not so much, after all,
how much I suffered, just so the people whom I served were helped and
blessed; that true blessedness in life does not consist in freedom from
suffering, but in accomplishing one's mission in the world according to
the divine plan.
CHRIST MORE REAL
Some of my most precious seasons of fellowship with Christ were
experienced, when, in the absence of all feeling, except that of severe
suffering, I would say by faith alone, "Thou, O Christ, art by my side.
Thou wilt never leave me nor forsake me." At last I accustomed myself to
believe his presence was real in spite of my feelings, so that by faith
I could almost imagine him at my side. As I walked, it seemed that we
kept step together; as I faced my congregations, he stood by my side,
unseen of course by physical eyes, but under such circumstances the
natural eyes can not be compared with the spiritual sight for clearness
of vision. I then learned what Paul meant to express when he said,
"While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which
are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things
which are not seen are eternal" (2 Cor. 4:18). "Whom having not seen, ye
love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with
joy unspeakable and full of glory" (1 Pet. 1:8).
SOME LESSONS LEARNED
Thus my trials and hardships taught me that a genuine experience of
salvation is obtained, as well as maintained, not by working up some
great feeling or emotion, but by simple, trusting faith in God, and
implicit obedience to his Word.
I found that our God is a loving Father and not a hard taskmaster.
"Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that
fear him" (Psa. 103:13). Neither does he require us to do anything that
is unreasonable. "I beseech you, therefore, brethren, by the mercies of
God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable
unto God, which is your reasonable service" (Rom. 12:1).
I also learned that the true test of our Christian experience is not the
state of our feelings, but the power to resist temptation, to keep sweet
under severe trials, and to manifest the meek and gentle spirit of the
Master. I learned, moreover, that the Lord is not anxious to cast us off
for every little failure, but is long-suffering and patient with us as
long as we have a sincere aim and purpose to please him in all things.
I learned more fully the secret of "casting all my care upon him,"
knowing that "all things work together for good to them that love God"
(Rom. 8:28).
The last few years of my life have been marked by great victory in my
experience. The former trials through which I passed have increased
my usefulness by helping me to be more unselfish. I wondered at the
time why God permitted such trials and sufferings; but now as I look
back upon the past, I see that I could not afford to be without the
discipline and training which those severe trials brought to me. In
my work as a pastor I am all the more qualified to sympathize with and
to help those who are meeting with similar trials and difficulties.
As I remember my own conflicts and trials, I can be more charitable
for others.
CONCLUSION
As the Lord turned again the captivity of Job and restored to him his
former blessings, so he restored my health in due time, together with
great victory along every line. Though I still meet with hard trials
and perplexing problems, yet I have learned to take them all to him
in simple, trusting faith, fully assured that he will direct in all
things. As already explained, my natural tendency was to worry;
yet through God's grace I have been able to meet some of the most
perplexing problems with calmness and even in the face of these things
to enjoy refreshing sleep, knowing that "he is able to do exceeding
abundantly above all that we ask or think" (Eph. 3:20).
I have ceased to long for an experience like that of some one else,
knowing that God has given me one that is best for me. Peter and John
were both true disciples of our Lord, yet how differently did they
manifest outwardly the workings of God's Spirit within, which is ever
the same!
Some years ago I discerned the oneness of God's people and became
fully convinced that the Word of God should be our guide in all things
pertaining to our spiritual welfare; that none of it should be omitted
or cast aside. Since that time the light has been constantly increasing,
and each succeeding year becomes more blessed in his service. I am
learning more and more, as Paul expresses it, that "in whatsoever state
I am, therewith to be content" (Phil. 4:11). With the past all under the
blood, I have no gloomy forebodings concerning the future; "for I know
whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that
which I have committed unto him against that day" (2 Tim. 1:12).
The Testimony of a Prisoner
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 3
"The heart is deceitful above all things, and is desperately wicked"
(Jer. 17:9). The truthfulness of this scripture has been verified in my
life. For more than twenty years I lived a most shameful life to satisfy
the desires of my wicked heart. I have learned that the more a person
yields to the sinful desires of the heart, the more wicked he becomes.
Many times during my early school days I yielded to the tempter and
played truant and ofttimes concluded that it was too hot to study and
yielded to the suggestion to go for a swim in the pond, regardless of
consequences. After playing truant the first time, I found a repetition
of the act much easier, until finally my parents became disgusted with
me and sent me away to work, and I have worked ever since that time.
While in the coal-mines, I received many hard knocks and bumps, and my
education neglected; whereas, had I not yielded to my wilfulness and
the deceitful desires of my heart in the beginning, I might have had a
splendid education and today be the possessor of a responsible position.
On my fifteenth birthday I took my first drink, yielding to the
temptation of taking my dinner-pail and getting ten cents' worth of beer
to drink beneath a shady tree. Oh, that God would have taken me before
it ever touched my lips! I am unable to relate all my experiences since
I took my first drink, but would say that I have suffered beyond measure
and have paid a great price for my folly. It has robbed me of my
character, reputation, friends, a beloved wife, and four beautiful
children--three boys and a girl--whom I loved more than my own life.
After drink had robbed me of all that was dear to my heart, then the
suggestion came for still further destruction by committing suicide. The
evil one suggested that as there was nothing left worthy a continuation
of my life, it were better to end it all and find sweet rest in the
grave. I was cast into prison, and the way before me truly seemed dark.
While I was serving a prison sentence I learned there was help for me
through the salvation of Jesus Christ. It was in the Bible that I
learned that the Lord would create within me a new heart if I would only
let him in, and "old things are passed away; behold, all things are
become new." I thought that I was too far gone to be forgiven, but the
words found in Isa. 1:18 gave me assurance: "Though your sins be as
scarlet, they shall be white as snow: though they be red like crimson,
they shall be as wool." These words were to me what a life-preserver is
to a drowning person. I grasped them with a trembling heart and found
peace to my soul.
Now, instead of destroying my own life by committing suicide and seeking
rest in the grave, as Satan had often suggested, I found sweet rest to
my soul in turning to Jesus, and the most earnest desire of my heart is
to serve him and do that which is pleasing in his sight. Now it is a
pleasant pastime, a joy and pleasure, to read the Bible and religious
books, tracts, and papers, whereby I can learn more of the beauties of a
life of salvation. May God help sinners everywhere to seek him while he
may be found.
A Little Chinese Girl
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 4
She was only a little Chinese girl, like ten thousand of others in the
great heathen land of which she was a native. She was the youngest of
three children, and her father died while she was but a babe. The
mother, being left a poor widow, was unable to support her little
family. Therefore, according to Chinese custom, the son (who was the
oldest of the three) was to receive the mother's attention, but the two
daughters were to be sold into other homes, to become wives as soon as
they were of marriageable age.
It is about the baby girl, Baulin, of whom I wish to tell you in this
story. The case was put into her grandfather's hands for management, who
arranged for her to go into her uncle's home, and to finally become the
wife of her cousin, who was a little younger than herself. As soon as
she was a few years old she was trained to help wash the clothes, cook
the family rice, and clean the bowls; and at an early age she had to work
many long hours in a silk-factory for only a few cents a day. These few
cents helped to buy her own rice, and as her uncle was a poor man, he
could not afford to support his "si-fu" (daughter-in-law) without
receiving something for it. Never a day was this dear child sent to
school. It was not customary to educate Chinese girls, except it should
be those of greater wealth or rank.
Time went on until Baulin was about fourteen years old. In the meantime
her uncle had come in contact with missionaries representing the
full gospel of Jesus Christ. As he became better acquainted with the
doctrine, and obtained an experience of salvation, he saw that it would
not be right to enforce the marriage of Baulin to his son; the matter
was to be left to their own choice, when they grew old enough to decide.
Still the responsibility was upon him to continue supporting her to the
same extent that he previously had.
In the course of another year or two, Baulin not only had shown an
interest in the gospel, but had a desire to take up her abode in the
mission compound to assist with the cooking for the other natives who
lived there. In this capacity she faithfully labored a few months,
during which time she came for prayer for salvation. The missionaries
in charge had found difficulty in obtaining native help for their own
kitchen. One day it suddenly dawned upon the mistress of the house that
Baulin might be trained for the culinary department. When the idea
was suggested, this dear young girl was delighted at the thought of
promotion in usefulness. Arrangements were immediately made, and the new
plan proved successful. Though she did not so much as know how to pare
potatoes, fry eggs, nor set the table for foreign food, yet her eager
willingness to learn made her easy to teach. Her natural inability to
take responsibility, to manage, and to exercise her own judgment, were
points greatly against her becoming a competent cook. However, by
the mistress continuing to plan the meals and to bear the general
responsibility, Baulin soon developed into a very reliable and useful
worker.
Two years later when the missionaries moved to another station, she
was pleased to accompany them and to continue as their cook. In the
meantime, however, a serious change came over her uncle, which made
Baulin entertain fears concerning her former engagement for marriage.
This man, who was so dependable before, gradually became entangled in
business matters, swindled others out of a considerable amount of money,
resulting in his utter spiritual downfall. Instead of making efforts
to rise again, he seemed to sink deeper and deeper into sin, until all
hope was given up for his return. Baulin was exceedingly fond of her
own people, and her relatives were not a few. But after her uncle had
backslidden, she began to receive more or less persecution from her
people. It so happened that the new station to which she accompanied
the new missionaries was the city in which her mother lived. She was
employed there as servant for a high-class family. The mother, though
having been in contact with the Christian religion for many years, still
remained a rank heathen, having great faith in the worship of idols. The
time came when the missionaries were about to depart on furlough to the
homeland, and now a serious question confronted Baulin: "What shall I
do, or what can I do?"
But before continuing this narrative, let me say here that during the
three years that she was employed as cook, she made a perfect record of
honesty and uprightness--something which probably can not be said of one
out of a hundred of Chinese cooks. Not once was she even suspected of
taking without permission, so much as a crust of bread or a spoonful of
anything belonging to the foreign kitchen. When other natives of the
compound would ask her for a bit of food which happened to be left in
the dishes, she would never give it without first asking permission to
do so. She seldom broke dishes, but when she did, she lost no time in
making acknowledgment. Thus her honesty, conscientiousness, and modesty
won a warm place in the hearts of those whom she served, and when she
appealed to them for help in solving the problem which so perplexed her
mind about the time that she must be separated from them, they gladly
shared her burden. It was by seeing her stedfastness through this trial
that her real worth could be appreciated more than ever before.
From a Chinese point of view, she was still under age, though she was
now about eighteen. Her mother had never given up the idea that she
should be married to her cousin when they both became old enough. At
this time her uncle was in a backslidden state, and in all probability
would insist on the marriage. The boy himself, her cousin, was growing
up rather a worthless young man. He had been in school more or less,
but was not extra bright. Recently his father had placed him as an
apprentice in a shoeshop. He had shown no inclination whatsoever toward
spiritual things, though he had had many advantages of hearing the
gospel. Baulin knew that she would soon be out of employment, and this
meant much to the young girl; for she was now fully self-supporting and,
besides, had helped her uncle more than once in his financial straits.
To return to the former mission station, at which city most of her
people lived, seemed the only open door before her. Yet this meant more
persecution, and should she have to return to the silk-factory to work,
she would be deprived of attending meeting, for the girls and women
employed there must toil on from early morn till late at night, seven
days a week.
It was when she heard that her uncle was making a business trip to the
city where she was now living and where her mother also lived, that
she became more anxious concerning a quick settlement of that marriage
question, and it was in this that she earnestly begged the missionary to
help. A meeting was called at which Baulin, her mother, her uncle, the
missionary, and a few others were present. Baulin requested a written
agreement signed by her mother and uncle, that the engagement to her
cousin was broken, and that they should have no power to compel her
engagement to any one else, but that she should have the right herself
to make choice of her life companion. The question was discussed, but
met with extreme opposition at first by the mother, insomuch that the
girl finally declared that because she was a Christian and desired to
do the right she would die rather than be compelled to marry a man who
was not a Christian and one whom she did not love. The uncle's greatest
objection was that he had no money to buy another girl for his son, and
the son would blame his father for not having a wife ready for him,
according to Chinese custom.
After several meetings, hours of discussion, and much prayer on the part
of the Christians, a paper and a duplicate were finally signed, which
set this dear young Christian free from her childhood engagement, and
oh, what a beaming countenance she wore! Keenly did she realize it would
not be easy to return to her home city and face her heathen relatives,
who would all be against her on account of the step she had taken, but
she was very happy in knowing that her persecution was for righteousness'
sake. Well able did she feel, through the grace of God, to meet the
worst that might come.
Her joy was increased some days later, when word was received that the
mission station in the same city where her people lived would be glad to
use her as cook and general helper in the house. Thus she would not need
to go back to the factory to earn a living, but could be employed more
directly in the service of God and be under the care of the church.
I hope all who read this true story will not forget to breathe a prayer
for this dear young girl, who so boldly took her stand for the truth and
right, in the midst of opposition from heathen relatives. We can not but
hope that she may some day be as reliable a spiritual worker as she is
today a temporal worker.
Persecutions and Victories of an Evangelist
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 5
It is with pleasure and gratitude that I take advantage of this
opportunity of telling of God's wonderful dealings with me. It is now
a little over ten years since I was converted. I had the advantage of
being reared in a Christian home. My parents having been saved for a
good many years.
When I first heard of people who believed the entire Word of God as
it was preached in the days of the apostles, I wondered what kind of
people they were. Some of the ministers were conducting some meetings
not far from where we lived, and, hearing of these people, I asked my
father if it would not be possible for them to come to our community.
Being surprized at my question and glad to hear that I was interested
in hearing those people, he suggested that I should speak to them
personally and ask them to come. These meetings were conducted about
eight miles from our home.
It was a cold October day when I drove to the place with horse and
buggy and asked the people to come to our town. They were glad for
the invitation, and we returned to my home the same day. There was
especially one thing about them which surprized me, and that was how
happy and contented they seemed to be; but I was a little unwilling to
believe that it was really possible for a person to enjoy religion, for
my association with so-called Christian people had made the impression
upon my mind that Christianity, or salvation, was only for those who
could not enjoy themselves in the world.
When the company that were to hold the meeting came to our home,
I decided to study and examine their lives to find out whether they
really possessed the joy and satisfaction that I was longing for. Their
quiet, devoted lives convinced me of the fact that I ought to become
a Christian. Deep conviction settled down upon me in the meetings.
My mother and father, whose lives had made a deep impression upon me,
pleaded with me to yield to God, but I was still unwilling to surrender.
After the meetings closed I tried to quench the Spirit by indulging in
worldly pleasures and associating with my old friends, but it seemed
that the Spirit of God was working so powerfully upon me that it was
impossible to resist him. I remember especially an experience one
afternoon. I was brought face to face with the supreme question, Are you
ready to meet God? I decided that I would not yield, but that I would
enjoy the pleasure of sin and the world for some years and later become
a Christian.
Not being able to quench the convictions that the Spirit of God had
wrought upon me, I deliberately indulged in blasphemy, determined
to make the Holy Spirit leave me, but I am glad to say that God was
merciful to me in not permitting my soul to be lost. For a moment I felt
as though I had committed the unpardonable sin, that heaven was closed,
and that my soul was lost forever. But I turned to God with tears
and a broken heart, the Spirit of God again strove with me, and my
sins were mercifully forgiven. The joy of heaven filled my soul, and
I received the assurance that my name was written in the Book of Life.
This was November 5, 1905.
SANCTIFICATION
My soul was perfectly satisfied, and for some time I felt as though all
that heaven could give to a human being in this world had been given to
me. But later I began to realize the need of something more. I heard
teaching on the doctrine of entire sanctification and began to study
about it in the Bible. The knowledge thus obtained caused me to seek
for the experience, but I did not receive it as soon as I had expected.
After some very hard struggles and much disappointment I finally
concluded that the teaching was wrong in regard to this matter and that
it was impossible to obtain the experience as it had been presented to
me. Trying to comfort myself with this thought, I let the matter rest
for a while, but I was not satisfied.
About two years after my conversion I decided that this matter should be
settled between God and my soul. Going to the Lord in earnest prayer, I
made a perfect consecration of all to God. The Lord began talking to my
soul, and he made it clear to me that the reason why I had not obtained
the experience sooner was not because the doctrine I had heard was
wrong, but because I had an exaggerated idea of what sanctification
really would do. I was under the impression that everything in my human
nature which had caused me trouble would be removed in sanctification.
I had failed to see that in sanctification human desires are not taken
away but sanctified. I saw clearly that the cause for the most of my
troubles was that I had failed to discriminate between carnality and
humanity.
While I was consecrating, the Lord spoke to me, not audibly but by his
Spirit, and asked me if I was willing to go to Denmark with the gospel.
I was able to surrender on all points but this one, seeing that going
to a foreign country would conflict with all my plans for the future.
I felt very much like Abraham when he went to Mount Moriah with his only
son to offer him there upon God's altar. But seeing that this was the
only way and desiring to obtain the experience, I surrendered, placed
all on the altar, and immediately I was sanctified and baptized with the
Holy Ghost. Praise the Lord!
There were no outward demonstrations, no special manifestations of the
power of God; but the Holy Ghost, being enthroned in my heart, gave me
a power over the world and self which I had not experienced heretofore.
This glorious experience I have now enjoyed for several years, and
it never was more precious to me than it is at the present time.
Halleluiah!
GOING TO A FOREIGN COUNTRY
For a while I did not think more about my call to the work of God in
Europe, but there was a deep longing in my soul to see people saved,
and whenever time permitted I would do all the personal work I could,
distributing literature, visiting people in their homes, helping in
meetings, etc.
My parents being Danish, they naturally made me think more of the
Scandinavian people than I otherwise would have thought, and my heart
was often burdened that this glorious truth might be brought to them.
These thoughts I kept to myself, speaking only to God about the matter.
At last the burden became so heavy that I opened my heart to a minister
in whom I had very much confidence, and he told me that a year before
that time the Lord had clearly shown that I should go to Denmark with
the gospel.
Next I opened my heart to my parents. Naturally they felt sorry that I
should leave them, but in another sense they were glad to see me enter
the work of the Lord. The Lord had revealed to my mother the evening of
my conversion that I should preach the gospel, but she did not think
that my field of labor would be in a foreign country.
An older minister, who had for some time been thinking of going to
Scandinavia, asked me if it would not be possible for me to accompany
him; and when the matter was brought before the church, it was finally
decided that I should go. We sailed from New York Dec. 18, 1909, and
arrived in Denmark, Jan. 3, 1910. This brother and his wife stayed with
relatives, while I made my home with different people, some of them
unsaved; and the most disagreeable thing that I met at the beginning
was that I was often obliged to stay in homes where I knew I was not
welcome. But in all the trials and disappointments there was one thing
that especially encouraged and comforted me, and that was that I knew
God had sent me to Scandinavia.
I shall never forget the first time God gave me a little favor among
the people. An old gentleman expressed his desire to have me give my
testimony after the sermon. I was at that time unable to express my
thoughts in the Danish language, but in my heart I carried a very heavy
burden for the people. With this burden on my soul I arose, and the
feelings I could not express in words I expressed in tears. That evening
four souls came to the altar and were gloriously saved. From that time
on my services were in demand, and it was not long until a goodly number
sought the Lord in the meetings.
About a year from this time a Baptist minister asked me to come to his
town and hold a four days' meeting. After earnestly praying over the
matter I decided to break my engagement at another place (something I
do not do unless specially directed of the Lord) and to hold these
meetings. Instead of holding four meetings, I held one hundred and
thirty meetings, and about one hundred souls were gloriously saved.
There were a number of young men in the town who determined that they
would break up the meetings, but we asked them to come and take part in
the song-service, which generally commenced about a half hour before the
preaching-service. Often the stores would be closed early in order that
the people might be able to attend the meetings, and it was not long
until nearly all the young men of the town were sitting on the front
seats listening to the word with tears in their eyes.
An intoxicated man, who was sent out by a saloon-keeper to make
disturbance, attacked me in front of the congregation. A young man who
also was under the influence of liquor but who was in sympathy with the
work I was doing, stepped to my side and offered to defend me with his
fist. In anger he said to the other man, "I want to tell you that we are
not going to let you disturb =our= meetings." I tried to calm them, but
in spite of all I did, the man was unmercifully treated as soon as he
got outside by the people whose sympathies had been won by the gospel.
PERSECUTED FOR THE GOSPEL'S SAKE
The saloon-keeper mentioned above, who almost failed in business because
of the revival, tried to work out a plot against me. He had a friend
who lived in the State of Michigan, to whom he wrote for information
concerning my life. This man wrote back: "The minister who is preaching
in your town is a professional white-slave trader, and has escaped the
authorities here in America and fled to Europe." This letter was taken
to the officials in Denmark, and immediately I was arrested. One of the
best detectives in the kingdom and several state officials were working
on the case. A number of impressions were taken of my fingers and my
picture was hung up in police stations among those of professional
thieves and criminals.
A very bitter persecution also broke out in the Scandinavian press.
Among the people I was generally known as "The Prophet." My aunt and
cousin in Copenhagen were nearly dumbfounded one day, when, as they
passed one of the large printing-houses in the city, they saw on the
news bulletin of a prominent daily in large bold type, which could be
read at a long distance, the following:
"The Prophet Morris Johnson--White-Slave Trader--Baptized
Naked Women--Stole Church's Money-Box--Went to America
with Fifty Young Girls and Sold Them to the Houses of
Ill-Fame--Escaped the Hands of the Authorities."
None of these things were true, however; but wherever I went I was
carefully watched by the authorities. My name was associated with the
most ignoble, immoral, and dishonorable things, and the matter was given
such publicity that I could not board a train or a steamer without its
being made known to those around me.
Finally the people of God to whom I had been preaching considered it
their duty to encourage me to appeal to the law for protection, one
brother offering to spend five thousand crowns on the case. This I could
not do, for it would have conflicted with my Christian principles; but
at last I saw that the only way I could satisfy them was to do something
to prove that I was not guilty of the accusations.
Accordingly I went to Copenhagen, spoke to the United States Minister
and to a prominent lawyer about the matter. They encouraged me to take
up a law suit against the parties who had so inhumanly treated me, but
feeling that I should grieve God by doing so, I decided to patiently
suffer, knowing that God would stand by me and that in the end his name
would be glorified. I must admit that had it not been for the fact that
the people of God were praying for me and that God in a special way
comforted and strengthened me, I should not have been able to stand
through this trial.
About three months after the time I had been in Copenhagen, a state
official published in the paper an article in which he made known to the
public that after a thorough examination of my case they were satisfied
that I was innocent and was worthy of the moral support of the people.
REVIVALS
I am glad to say that this persecution resulted in a wonderful outbreak
of spiritual life in Scandinavia. Hundreds of people came out to the
meetings and a large number of souls were saved. The State Bishop, a
very influential man, was called upon to oppose the meetings. In a
public discourse he mentioned my name twenty times, but this only
aroused a greater curiosity in the hearts of the people to hear the
word, and in this way people were brought under the influence of the
gospel who would never have been reached any other way.
I shall never forget an experience I had in a revival in Hjorring,
Denmark. We had rented a large hall, and the first evening there were
about five hundred people present. I had been passing through some very
hard trials just before this meeting, but the trial reached its climax
as I stood before that audience. I did not feel the help of the Holy
Spirit at all as I was preaching. I went to my room that evening with
a heavy heart and spent some time on my knees in earnest prayer.
Later it was made clear to me why God permitted me to pass through this
trial. The following Sunday evening the power of the Holy Spirit was
poured out upon that audience in such a measure that it was almost
impossible for the people to resist it. There were about 750 people
present, and most of them stayed for the altar-service. There was not
room at the altar for those who wanted to seek God, so the people fell
on their knees and began to pray, and all over the hall one could hear
sinners crying to God for mercy. Many of them were saved. The meeting
did not close until after midnight. I then saw that the reason why God
had permitted me to pass through that test was that he might prepare me
for the great blessing presently to be poured out upon the meeting.
ALL-NIGHT MEETING
In Lokken, Denmark, the people of God gathered one evening for a
special meeting. The word of God became so precious to us that we
could not leave the place. A large number testified and after midnight
we had an ordinance-meeting, which was followed by a sermon, and
that by an altar-call. Several came forward and sought the Lord for
sanctification, and a few who were so much interested that they could
not leave, came and were saved. The altar-service was broken up when a
brother came in and exclaimed, "Hurry up, or you'll miss the train."
This was the morning train, which left at five o'clock. The good work
continued at this place, and there were open doors for me to preach the
gospel in all parts of the kingdom where before warnings had been
published against me.
MEETING A PHILOSOPHER
During my stay in Copenhagen it was my privilege to become acquainted
with an educated young man, a doctor of philosophy, who had been
influenced by higher critics, such as have doubted the miraculous
accounts given in the Holy Scriptures. When I was introduced to him, I
noticed that he thought it would not be very difficult for him to weaken
my faith and confidence in regard to religious matters. He immediately
expressed his desire to have some private talks on religious questions,
to which I gladly consented, but greatly feeling my need of special
wisdom and grace from God. We would often sit up until after midnight,
but I enjoyed these conversations and discussions, for they gave me an
understanding of the position that such persons generally take in regard
to religion.
One evening he accompanied me to the country, where I held a meeting in
a private home. About fifteen minutes after I had entered the pulpit, I
noticed that a deep conviction settled down upon him. Tears filled his
eyes, and he was unable to hide his emotions. One night at one-thirty
in the morning he said to me: "I have a question I want to ask you. I
have had your life under my microscope for a while and have come to the
conclusion that you are one of the happiest and most contented young men
I have ever met. Still I have noticed that you have no interest whatever
in the enjoyments and pleasures that other young men of your age seem to
be so taken up with. Tell me, what is the source of your happiness?" My
reply was, "The source of my joy and happiness is the Christ that you
are trying to deny." Tears filled his eyes, and he said to me, "In my
public lectures and discourses and with my pen I have tried to influence
people against Christianity, but now I have found that Christianity can
satisfy and make happy; so I will never use my influence in that way any
more." I did not have the privilege of seeing this young man converted,
but I am sure that some day I shall meet him in heaven.
TRUSTING THE LORD
When I entered the gospel field, I decided that I should trust God to
supply all my needs. My father upon bidding me good-by said, "Now, my
son, if you ever need help financially, you must let me know, and I
shall be glad to help you." I thanked my father, but told him that he
should not feel under obligations to me more than to any other
missionary and that it was my intention to trust God.
I paid my own fare to Europe with the exception of one dollar, which
was given me by a kind brother. For a while I got along well, for I
had a little personal money; but the time came when I needed help. I
especially remember one occasion when I needed some means. I prayed
and wept before the Lord as a child before its father, asking the Lord
what he was going to do with me now. After I had prayed a while, the
Lord assured me that my prayer was heard. Two days later I received a
money-order from a brother in South Dakota and was able to meet all my
obligations and even had some to spare. Praise the Lord!
Another time during my stay in Norway I needed a certain amount of money
and began to pray to God concerning the matter. The amount needed was
about twenty dollars. A few days from that time I received a money-order
for eleven dollars from some one in Copenhagen from whom it would have
been altogether unreasonable for me to expect financial help. But this
person wrote that God had made it clear that this money should be sent
to me. I also received a letter from a man in America with a money-order
for ten dollars. He wrote: "I am sending you ten dollars, and feel that
I must send it off immediately. Hope you will receive it in time." My
needs were supplied, and you can be sure I was a happy man. I have
learned by experience that there is no life happier or nobler than the
life that is fully surrendered and consecrated to God.
The Secret of a Perfect Life
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 6
A little more than half a century ago I drew my first breath of life. It
was a day in early May, so I have been told: the sun was shining, the
birds were singing, and the early flowers were in bloom. It is not to be
supposed that my environment in life's early hour had any influence upon
the passions of my soul; nevertheless, from my earliest recollection I
have been an ardent lover of the esthetical in nature. Many of the days
of my childhood were spent wandering through the fields in the bright
sunshine, admiring and culling the flowers; rambling through the leafy
wood, listening with glad heart to the songs of birds; or sitting on the
mossy bank of the rippling brooklet delighted by the music made by its
crystal waters as they played among the rocks.
But the happy, innocent days of childhood do not last always: the sun
does not always shine, nor the birds sing; neither do the flowers always
bloom along our way. Oh, if we could only have been overlooked--many of
us have thought in the dreary days of after-life--by Father Time and
been left behind to be always in the green, sun-lit fields of childhood,
how happy we should have been! But it was not so; and now, since I have
found the riches of grace, I am glad it was not so. No one can escape
the onward-leading hand of Time. He will lead us, despite our protests,
into days where the sun has ceased shining, where the birds have flown
to a more genial clime, and where the flowers have faded. As our
much-loved poet has said,
"Into each life some rain must fall--
Some days must be dark and dreary."
My life has been a confirmation of these words.
MY FIRST SIN
Among the recollections of my early childhood, one is more deeply
impressed on my mind than any other, so deeply and firmly stamped that
the many and varied experiences of fifty years have failed to make it
less clear and distinct to the vision of memory than it was the day it
occurred. It was the committing of a sin. It may have been my first
wilful transgression, but, however that may be, it was one that caused
an awful sense of guilt to come into my heart, and I trembled, as it
were, in an unseen presence. No one had ever spoken to me of God, of
shunning the wrong, or of doing the right, except my mother (sweet
today is my memory of her); so I carried my trouble to her, and in her
presence the tempter led me into falsehood, so that I was made more
wretched than before.
GETTING DEEPER INTO SIN
The days sped on; and after a few years, I had won the title of "Bad
Boy." Though the sins of those youthful days (over which I prefer to
throw the relieving mantle of forgetfulness) were dark and deep, I did
not altogether lose my love for the beautiful and the good. In those
shadowy days, a ray of sunlight would now and then break through, a
bird-note would be heard, and a fragrant flower would raise its drooping
head. In such hours, I would get a glimpse of a better life. An unseen
hand would set before me a picture of a pure life, and in my fancy I
would see myself a good man. Oh, that the dreams of those youthful days
were more perfectly fulfilled! but I must give praise to God for what he
has wrought in me.
Many a time at the midnight hour in those youthful days, after I had
left some den of vice, there would be whisperings in my soul of a
higher, nobler life. As I, in my fancy, gazed down through the years,
the angel of goodness would shift before me bright pictures of the
different characteristics of a holy life. At this distant day, on
looking back, I am surprized to note in what trueness the Holy Spirit
set before me the ideal godly life.
But I must be brief, as only a few pages of this work are allotted to me
in which to tell you how I found--or, rather, what I found to be--the
secret of a perfect life.
MY CONVERSION
I was converted at the age of twenty-eight. A few months later,
realizing the need of a deeper spiritual life, I yielded myself a living
sacrifice to God, and he gave me the desire of my heart. Bless his name!
To tell you the joy of my soul in these experiences, is immeasurably
beyond the power of my pen. The happiness of a pure life fancied in
the day-dreams of my youth were more than realized. Although I was of
a highly imaginative mind, the joy my heart found in the riches of
redeeming grace was numberless times greater than the fancied joys
pictured to my mind in my boyhood hours.
My heart now flowed out in a gushing stream of love to God, and my mind
glowed with thoughts of him. It was the poet Milton who said: "As to
other points, what God may have determined for me, I know now; but this
I know--that if he ever instilled an intense love of moral beauty into
the breast of any man, he has instilled it into mine. Ceres, in the
fable, pursued not her daughter with a greater keenness of inquiry than
I, day and night, the idea of perfection." And I think the same was true
of me.
Early in my religious life I became conscious that the law of
development is written in the Christian heart, and that this law, if
given full scope, will raise us year after year into higher degrees of
perfection. The Holy Spirit revealed to me also at this time the secret
of attaining to this perfect life by a natural growth in grace day after
day. In love and humility lies the secret of a perfect and successful
Christian life. The earnestness with which we seek God is in proportion
to our love for him. Just as truly as the seven colors are woven
together in one white ray of sunlight, so truly are the laws of a
perfect life gathered up and fulfilled in the life of those who love
God. "Love is the fulfilling of the law." No man can escape the effect
of breaking a law of love. What fragrance is to the flower, obedience is
to love. Any act of unfaithfulness to God or man sounds a false note on
the golden harp of love. He who loves truth intensely will dwell with
truth; he who loves purity of thought will think only on things that
are pure. Vain thoughts will he hate. He who loves learning will seek
after learning and just to that intensity of his love for it. He who
loves home will dwell at home as much as possible, and home will become
sweeter home. He who loves God will dwell with God, will seek after God,
thereby strengthening his affection for God and daily growing into his
perfection.
HUMILITY NEEDED
But love alone will not suffice; humility is needed that love may be
rightly directed. If humility be lacking, love unconsciously begins to
center in self. With a feeling of shame I confess that twice in my life
since becoming a Christian, I have lost the ballast of humility so that
love went astray. I thought to love God and be faithful; I thought that
I was attaining to greater love; but to my surprize, when the Holy
Spirit set my heart before me in the clear light of pure love, I found
within that awful, ghastly, defiling principle of self-love.
If your soul loves the perfect life, "humble yourself under the hand of
God" and "keep yourself in his love." After years of experiences and
some sad failures, I have found, with a greater certainty than ever,
that love ballasted by humility is the secret of a happy, holy life. I
trust that during the remaining days of my life my soul shall flourish
like the palm-tree, and grow strong like the cedars of Lebanon, and that
I shall develop into that greater fulness of God--into a more perfect
image of him.
Today I know that "God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth
in God, and God in him." As my inner man is renewed day by day, to my
spiritual eyes the ideal perfect life grows in loveliness. As I journey
on toward the setting of life's sun, I can see farther into the beyond,
catch clearer glimpses of unseen things, hear more distinctly the songs
of angels, scent in greater sweetness the fragrance from the flowers
that grow in that celestial land, and feel the beauty of the Lord
growing upon me. I have passed through the furnace flames; but God has
brought me through, and he will bring you through.
A PERFECT IDEAL
Have there been times in your life when a glowing feeling crept into
your heart and you beheld a vision of ideal perfection? Oh, be "obedient
to the heavenly vision," remembering this, that the secret of approach
to your ideal is love and humility. Humility will keep you in the right
path as love hurries you on after your ideal. Neither the rocks, the
thorns, the waves, nor the furnace flames, retard the lover in his race
for a perfect life when the vision is kept clear before his soul. Have
you made failures? So have I--greater failures, perhaps, than any you
have made or ever will make; but the God who transforms the caterpillar
into the butterfly will transform you into his perfect image if you only
love him intently and be submissive to all his will.
Conversion of a Young Jewish Rabbi
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 7
I was born in an orthodox Jewish family. When I was but four years of
age, my parents took me to England and put me in charge of the late
Rabbi Horowitz of London to fully teach me the basis of rabbinical life.
At the age of seventeen years I completed my course of instruction as a
fully legalized rabbi, but was too young to take the responsibilities of
a district or synagog. At that time I returned to the United States and
soon drifted into socialism and became a socialist orator, traveling
from city to city and State to State, until I left the first principles
of my rabbinical teaching.
While traveling through Canada I became acquainted with an anarchist and
partly accepted his belief. I strayed so far away from my early teaching
that from time to time while speaking, I would hold up my Hebrew Bible
and tear it to pieces, cursing God and denying that there was a God.
I really became so hardened that I almost believed in my heart that
there was no God.
On the twenty-sixth day of October, 1907, I came to Chicago, and while
I was speaking that night on the platform, holding the Hebrew Bible,
tearing it, and ready to curse God, there came a sudden strong voice,
as it were, and, to my surprize, repeated to me the following words:
"They shall look upon me whom they have pierced, and they shall mourn
after him as one mourneth for its only begotten, and they shall be in
bitterness after him as one is in bitterness after his first-born."
While I listened to this, I thought that some one was behind the
platform speaking these words. I looked behind the platform, but could
find no one. When I resumed my speech, the voice came again speaking the
same verse, and I became almost paralyzed for a while. After the meeting
was over, as I walked toward my apartments, I heard the voice for the
third time, speaking to me in stronger terms than ever. The miserable
feelings came stronger and stronger. In fact, I began to look for peace
to my conscience, but did not know how to find it. In this trouble of
soul, no one among all the orators, Jewish rabbis, or religious people
of different denominations came up to tell me how to do better nor to
give me advice.
I left Chicago for New York, but could not find rest. The words of
that voice never left me day or night. One night, while walking the
streets of New York looking for something to comfort me, I saw a sign
reading, "Men Wanted for the United States Army." At nine o'clock
the next morning I went to the recruiting-station and asked for an
application-blank. The man at the station thought it strange that a Jew
would come to enlist, but he gave me an application-blank. I filled it
out and was examined and sent to Ft. Slocum, New York, where I was sworn
in for three years' faithful service for the United States Army. After I
enlisted I began to look for peace; but the more I looked, the worse and
more trouble came to me. In fact, persecutions from different soldiers
were very bitter because I was a Jew and did not do what they were doing.
While in Ft. Slocum I contracted fever and was taken to a hospital. From
Ft. Slocum I was sent to Ft. Sill, Oklahoma, where I was assigned to
Battery B, First Field Artillery. There was only one Jewish man besides
me amongst over three hundred Roman Catholics, and they believed in
making things hot for us, so the more I looked for peace the worse
misery and persecutions I found.
On Decoration Day, 1908, they were playing football, and after the game
they went into the kitchen, procured large butcher knives, and came out
to cut the "sheenies" up. When we saw them coming with the knives, we
ran into the tailor-shop and locked ourselves in, hiding underneath
mattresses between the covers. They broke the door, but through
Providence they could not find us. Then for the first time since I had
embraced socialism I began to think there was a God, since our lives
were so spared.
On the sixth of June we went bathing in the Red River on the
reservation, and the boys came and turned us head down and feet up in
the water and wanted to drown us, but it seemed that through Providence
I was once more saved from being destroyed by these blood-thirsty men.
Upon our return, we found the tailor-shop flooded. This was reported to
the commander, but no action was taken in regard to this or any other
case of persecution.
We decided to desert the army after pay-day. When pay-day came, I had
coming to me about $200 from the tailor-shop and $13 as pay for the
month from the army, but out of the $200 I collected only about $70.
That afternoon we walked to Lawton, Oklahoma, to get the train from
there to St. Louis. Upon our arrival at St. Louis, the other man got a
job, and I wrote to my uncle in Chicago, who sent me a ticket to come
to Chicago. When I arrived there, he advised me to go to Canada and
said that he would support me all the time that I was there, as they
would apprehend me in the United States for a deserter.
I went to Canada, but was still in much distress. Some time later I
had a desire to leave Vancouver, British Columbia, and go over the
border into the State of Washington, but went under the assumed name of
Friedman. While under that name I looked for a position, but could not
find one; so I cabled to my parents for money and two weeks afterward I
received enough money to open up a little store. I took for my next name
Feldman. I opened a book-store, but within three months I lost almost
$3,000. Then I left Seattle, Washington, for Tacoma under the name Gray.
Three weeks later I left Tacoma for Portland, Oregon, under the name of
Grayson, where I looked up a friend of mine. He was at that time manager
of the Oregon Hotel. The next morning I was more miserable than ever
before and thought that I was sick. The night preceding I related to my
friend all my troubles, with the exception of my being a deserter from
the army.
While I was looking for a charity physician who could give me something
to relieve my distress and trouble, I found a Salvation Army man and
asked him if he knew of any physician who worked for charity and would
give me treatment. He told me that he had a friend who was a physician
and who was a lover of Jewish people. This was the first time that I
ever heard that a Christian loved a Jew.
I went to the office of the doctor, whose name was Estock, and he gave
me a cordial welcome. Putting his right hand on my right wrist and his
left hand around my neck, he said that he loved the Jews because his
Savior was a Jew and that he was glad God had sent me to his office in
answer to his prayers. I was dumbfounded and unable to answer. The
doctor said, "You do not need a physician for your body, but you need
the Lord Jesus to heal your soul, for your trouble is with your soul,
and the Lord Jesus is able to save you from your distress and troubles."
He gave me a little bottle and said: "Here is a little medicine, but you
do not need it. The only thing that will help you is prayer, and I will
'phone to my wife and ask her to pray for you, and I will also pray for
you. This will be the only way you will get peace."
The next morning as I was offering my thanks to him he said, "Do not
thank me, but thank God that he sent his only begotten Son, that through
him such poor unworthy people as we should be saved through his love."
"What can this mean?" I answered. "Is there a God that will love such a
man as I am?--a man who curses him? a man that stamped his Bible under
his feet and fought against him? Is it true that he will love me so?"
The doctor answered, "He died for such men as you, that he might
save you." He further said: "My house belongs to the Lord, and I owe
everything to him. The God of Abraham and Isaac is my God, and the
God of David and also the Prophets. He is my God, and he is your God,
whether you want him or not; and I beg you to come with me to my house."
"It is impossible for me to go into your house," I answered, "because I
do not believe that there is a God, and if there is one, I am unworthy
to go into such a house."
He pleaded with me further to go, and I went with him. I lived at the
doctor's house for thirty days. We had the strongest arguments on
Scriptures, he trying to prove to me that Jesus is the Messiah that came
to save his people from sin. I contradicted every word of his with the
Old Testament Scriptures.
On the thirtieth day in the doctor's house I was more vile than ever
before. I got up in the morning looking for the first chance to get
even with the doctor because of his persistence in mentioning the Lord
Jesus on every occasion. When I came down-stairs, they were ready for
breakfast. I sat at the table brewing within myself, full of hatred,
malice, and bitterness against them because of their holding up to
me the Lord Jesus as my only Savior. While at the table I could not
withhold my bitterness, and when they read the Scriptures after the
meal, I began to laugh, mock, and curse, calling them all kinds of
vile names.
While I was doing this they went down on their knees to pray as they did
every morning. Looking up to me, the doctor said, "My friend, if you
will not respect God nor respect me as your only and personal friend
in the city, for the Lord's sake respect this house, for this house is
consecrated unto God."
These words sank deep into my heart, and I kneeled down still with
bitterness in my heart against Jesus and the doctor. While I was down
on my knees, I was cursing, mocking at them and their Lord. The doctor
prayed first, then his wife, and then his little boy, who said, "Lord
Jesus, you have promised to save him; won't you save him?"
These words broke my heart, and I began crying, "If there is a God, come
and prove yourself." The carpet around me was wet with the tears which
I had shed in crying for God to come and prove himself. I felt within
myself a love for the Lord Jesus and soon had a living faith that the
Lord Jesus died for me and that through his death I was saved. After I
rose from my knees, the doctor, his wife, and the little boy stood with
eyes full of tears, rejoicing with me that there was power in the blood
of Jesus Christ to save such a vile sinner as I was.
One hour later I left the house of the doctor to tell my friend, the
manager of the hotel, that the Lord Jesus was now my Savior and that he
had saved me from my sins. He took a heavy chunk of wood and hit me on
my right side, nearly breaking my ribs.
I said, "May God forgive you for this and not hold it against you,"
while the tears were streaming down my face. This is the first time in
my life that I ever said to any one, "May God bless you!" Then I said to
him, "If it were only yesterday that you had done this to me, I would
have killed you; but now the Lord Jesus has taken anger out of my heart,
and I will endeavor to pray for you that God may have mercy upon you."
Walking out of his hotel crippled as I was and holding my side with my
hand, I said again, "God bless you!"
While walking down the street, I saw a company of mission workers on the
corner of Jefferson and Washington Avenues. I pushed myself through the
crowd, seeing that there were some Jews there, and I began to preach
to my own people for the first time that the only way of salvation is
through the Lord Jesus Christ. In answer, there came rotten eggs and
rotten tomatoes at my head and body until I was covered from head to
foot.
After the meeting I walked on singing a song and rejoicing that the Lord
Jesus had seen fit to save such a poor sinner as I was. Thus ended my
first day as a convert. I thank God for the first pay I ever received in
the gospel--a crippled side and rotten eggs. I continued to preach the
gospel to my people in Portland for several days.
Three days after my conversion, while I was on my knees praying, it
occurred to me that I had better write to my relatives and tell them
what love the Lord Jesus had for me, and that he had died to save them
as well as me, and that he was the only true Messiah. I reasoned for
several days against this; but at last I had to write, because I saw
that the Lord was on one side and my relatives on the other side, and
that I had to choose between them. So I wrote to them, sending to each a
separate letter telling them that Jesus was my Savior and that he is the
only and true Messiah.
Sometime after this, answer came from my relatives that they could not
believe that there was any power to save me, because, if I could leave
my first principles and leave my own people, the teaching which I was
brought up under and drift so far away as to curse God, they did not
believe there was any power to save me. I kept sending them Testaments
and Gospels, but still they could not believe.
One day I went to see my sister and told her the truth. She at first did
not believe me, but I asked her to attend a street-meeting which I was
to hold, and she heard me preach Christ. She then wrote to my mother,
who began to grieve herself to death because I had accepted the Lord
Jesus for my Savior. Then they wrote me different letters and were
patient with me, thinking that they would win me back to Judaism. When
they saw there was no hope of getting me back, they were done with me.
On one occasion while standing in the street and preaching, there came
a thought to me with great force, "If the authorities get you for a
deserter, what will you do?" This question troubled me so that I could
not continue my meetings. I went to the doctor's office and said to him,
"Dr. Estock, do you know what they do to a person that has deserted the
United States Army?"
"They give him three or four years in the military penitentiary," he
answered.
"Do you know that I am a deserter from the United States Army?"
He looked at me puzzled and said, "How can this be?"
"It is true, and I must give myself up to the army authorities before
they get me and disgrace my belief in the Lord Jesus."
I proposed giving myself up the next day, but the doctor told me to be
in no haste and said he would ask several people of God to pray for me
to learn what the mind of God was before I took another step. After a
few days they came to the conclusion that they would send me to Canada,
where I should be out of the jurisdiction of the United States and
should be free. Thinking that this offer was of the Lord, I accepted it
and left for Toronto, Canada. Upon my arrival at Toronto I felt the Lord
speaking to me and saying, "The more you run away from my law, the more
miserable you will feel. Go back to the United States."
This was while I was in the hotel at night and could not sleep. I felt
very miserable to know that the step I had taken in coming to Toronto
was not God's will and in his order. I had only $3.10 in my possession.
In the morning I went to the ticket-office to inquire how much it cost
to go to Buffalo. They told me it would cost $3.10. I then purchased a
ticket for Buffalo. When I arrived I telegraphed to the doctor, stating
that I was glad that I had come back to the United States to give myself
up to the army authorities. The doctor replied by telegraph, stating
that I was out of God's will and order in coming back to the United
States to give myself up, and that therefore he could not have
fellowship with me any more. Bitterly weeping over the message, I said
to myself, "Now the only friend I have is gone." But this promise
encouraged me, that my God would never turn against me nor forsake me.
There I was, left without a friend and without money in my pockets to
procure a night's lodging.
As it was bitterly cold, I prayed to the Lord that he would send
somebody along that would take me home with him. As I was praying, a man
passed by, and I asked him if he knew whether there was any child of God
in the city. He said a woman who was his neighbor was a child of God,
and he took me to her home. It was true that she was a child of God and
her home a godly one.
Soon after this I went to Pittsburg, and the Lord opened up the hearts
of a few Jewish people, who sent me to Washington. As I walked up to
the barracks, fear came over me, and I decided to go to Baltimore,
where I remained with a Jewish missionary until the last of April.
Then I returned to Washington, went to the commanding officer,
Lieutenant-Colonel Langfitt, and told him why I was giving myself up.
He said: "Are you a Jew and a believer in Jesus? Are you willing to give
yourself up for his sake? Do you know what it means to give yourself up?
It means three or four years in the penitentiary and to be dishonorably
discharged."
I told him that I would gladly do anything to make this matter right
before man and before God.
"I am also a Jew," he replied, "and I do not know how you can believe
in Jesus and suffer these things for his sake."
Then he doubted my being a deserter. I begged him to put me in the
guard-house and to go and investigate the matter.
He said, "I wish that I had the power to set you free now; but you are
too honorable a man to call the guard to take you to the guard-house,
and so I will walk there with you myself."
Upon coming to the guard-house, he called the sergeant of the guard and
said, "Sergeant, do not search this boy, for I know that he will not
take in anything but that which is lawful."
He then asked me whether I wanted to stay in the big cell with the rest
of the prisoners or go into one small cell by myself. I asked him for
one by myself so that I might study the Bible.
When he was bidding me good-by, he said: "For the first time I shake
a prisoner's hand, and I must say that I do not look upon you as a
prisoner but as the most honorable man that we have in this post, and I
must confess that you have done a most honorable thing in the sight of
man and God, and I will help you with all that lies within my power to
make everything easy for you."
The next morning the lieutenant-colonel came into the guard-house asking
for me. When I came near the door, he reached out his hand and grasped
mine, saying, "Neither my wife nor I have slept during the night, and
I have decided to recommend you for a year's clemency, so that you will
have only two years to serve."
It did not sound very good to me, but I went into the guard-house and
prayed. The thought came to me, "Can you not trust the Lord to carry you
through all these difficulties?" I said to myself, "Yes, I leave all in
the hands of the Lord."
After a few weeks the court was detailed. The president of the court
was Captain Koester, who, I was informed, was an infidel. The next man
of his court, Captain Ottwell, was a Christian Scientist, and the rest
of the court, including eleven officers, were Roman Catholics. They
detailed Lieutenant Rockwell to be my counsel for defense. He came up
to the court-house and said:
"You are a Jew, are you not?"
"Yes."
"And you believe in Jesus Christ, do you not?"
"Yes."
"I have no use for Jews, especially for a turncoat, and I will see that
you get the limit of the court."
This broke me all up, and I said, "Lieutenant, if you can, God will let
you go ahead."
I then walked into my cell and knelt down to pray, broken-hearted. The
scripture came to me, "Fear them not; for I the Lord thy God shall fight
for you." I rejoiced to know that the Lord was fighting my battles and
that he would do it well. Thirteen days afterwards I was tried.
When I came to the court, the lieutenant came to me with a piece of
paper in his hand and said: "I am sorry for the words which I spoke to
you, but I have suffered for them, and with God's help I will recommend
you to clemency. The same Lord that saved you has also saved me."
The judge of the court asked me what I would plead to the charge.
"I plead guilty to the charge of desertion and violation of the
forty-seventh article of war."
He asked me again if I knew what it meant to plead guilty. I answered
that I knew.
He then asked me what my plea on the specification of the forty-seventh
article of war was.
"Guilty," I answered.
He said to the court, "I want to make plain to this boy the solemnity of
these charges, that he may know the consequences thereof." He then asked
me if I had any pleas to make.
I told him no, and repeated the scripture that the Lord had given me:
"Fear them not; for I the Lord thy God shall fight for you." I said,
"I fear you not, for my Lord will fight for me and will deliver me."
Then the counsel for the defense arose and made this statement:
"Fellow Officers: You all know what a bitter man I was against the Jews.
You know that I was not going to make any plea, but to let this boy get
all that the court could give him, and be sorry afterwards that the
court could not give him more. But the same God that he serves troubled
me and made me sick, as you know, until I realized that the same God
must be my God and the same Savior my Savior; and furthermore, the same
Jesus that saved this Jewish boy has saved me also."
The court was greatly surprized, but my counsel went on further and
handed the court a paper and explained verbally the different reasons
for his pleas until tears came to the eyes of Captain Koester, Captain
Ottwell, and the different members of the court. Four of the worst
officers arose and recommended me for eighteen months' clemency and
thirteen dollars a month fine and reinstatement to duty.
The recommendation of the court was sent to the Department Commander of
the East, Major-General Leonard A. Woods, who earnestly considered the
case, according to his statement, for several hours, not knowing what to
do. He also expressed himself by saying that if he had full power to
release me, he would gladly do so, without any punishment. Also, through
prayer and petitions to the Lord the case reached President Taft, the
Adjutant-General of the army, and then it reached Brigadier-General
Davis, who was the Judge-Advocate General of the United States Army.
They also had notified the Department Commander to be as lenient as he
could before the case had reached the War Department in Washington.
In fifteen days after my trial, the sentence came back approved by the
Department Commander for eighteen months' clemency and thirteen dollars'
fine a month and reinstatement to duty to serve out my enlistment.
While I was in the guard-house in Washington Barracks, District of
Columbia, serving the sentence imposed upon me for the charge heretofore
mentioned, I was sawing wood one day, when a fellow prisoner hit me with
a piece of wood behind my ear and knocked me down. About two months
later this prisoner was saved, and the other prisoners became bitter
against me, for they believed that I was the cause of the conversion of
one of the worst men in the guard-house. I learned later that a number
of the officers were converted.
After I left the Washington Barracks, I went to Ft. Slocum, New York.
From there I was sent to Ft. Sheridan, where I was assigned to Battery
F, Fifth Field Artillery. After I had been there two days, I asked
permission of Lieutenant Osborn to hold religious services in front of
the battery. On account of its being so cold, he told me to go into the
pool-room and hold services if I thought my God was living.
I went into the pool-room, where they were playing pool, and began to
preach the gospel. Two balls were thrown at me, and I was also hit
across the back with the thick end of a cue. They took me to the
hospital and after a short time came back and said that the Jew would
not preach Jesus Christ any more. After another week I felt impressed
to preach the gospel again. While I was preaching, the cook came out
of the kitchen with a pail of hot lard and threw it on me. I was burned
on both of my hands and arms.
While I was at the hospital, black poison set in, and the doctor
said my arm must be cut off. I told him that I would not submit to any
operation; that as I suffered this for the gospel's sake, the Lord would
heal my arm. Five weeks later he looked at my arm, as the poison was
getting worse in my system, and he said, "If I do not cut off this arm,
you are going to die from the effects of blood-poisoning." I said that
I still had faith in God that he would heal this arm for his glory.
"What church do you belong to?" he inquired.
"I belong to the church of God," I answered.
"Your arm can not heal," he replied and began to laugh.
Several days afterward the poison had come up to my shoulder. When the
doctor saw it, he said, "The only thing to do is to cut your arm off at
the shoulder."
I told him that I had more faith than ever in God that he would heal my
arm, even after my whole body should be poisoned. I believed that the
Lord would heal me for his glory.
That night my fever was 104, and the doctor was called. He gave orders
to put me into a bathtub full of ice-water, but after I came out I was
much worse, and they said I could not live through the night. At five
o'clock the next morning a sudden change came and my arm turned a
yellowish color and the discharge ceased little by little. When the
doctor came, he said, "I had thought that the arm must be cut off, but
now it will get well." In two weeks I was able to use my arm as well as
ever and was again assigned to duty.
After coming out of the hospital I preached much more the unsearchable
riches of Christ, for which at different times I was cast into prison.
The post-commander of Ft. Sheridan told me that I might just as well
use the gymnasium-hall to preach the gospel six nights in the week.
While I preached there, a number of souls were brought to the Lord.
While I was at Ft. Sheridan, a letter came to me from my mother stating
that if I wanted to save her life I should turn back to Judaism and
forsake the impostor Jesus, and that if I would do this they would
receive me back again with full honor, as I was defiled before them
and the only means to save her life was for me to turn back from this
heathen belief. I wrote her as follows:
"My Dear Mother: I have received your letter and thank you very much for
it. I do really love you, but my love for you now is much different than
before. I love you because the Lord Jesus loved you and died for you.
Yet if my accepting Jesus will not and can not save you from dying, then
my rejecting him will not save you either, and I can not forsake the
Lord Jesus."
About two months later I received a cable-message saying that the last
words of my mother were, "My only son is the cause of my death." After
that period they made a burial service, took all my little belongings,
put them in a casket and buried it, and put a stone on the grave,
signifying that I died on October 29, 1908. After this they mourned for
me for eight days. Now though I am supposed to be dead to my family
and to my nation, yet I am glad that I am alive for Christ and still
preaching the unsearchable riches of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
to my own people as well as to the other nations. The Lord has enabled
me to preach free of charge to any and every one and to give unto them
freely even as I have freely received. This scripture has been very real
to me since that time: "All things work together for good to them that
love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
In 1912 my father died, leaving me of his large estate five dollars to
buy a rope and soap to hang myself if I did not come back to Judaism.
The foregoing account of my conversion has been written after nearly
seven years of experience and preaching the unsearchable riches of
Christ to my own people as well as to Gentile people in this country,
in the Islands of the Azores, in Spain, France, Germany, Italy, Syria,
Egypt, Palestine, Greece, and Austria.
The most bitter people against the gospel I have found are my own
people. The gospel has been misrepresented to them, and they have not
been made to realize the heart experience. There are over 12,000,000
Jewish people in this world, yet there are very few faithful and tried
missionaries amongst them to explain to them the way of salvation.
However, the comparatively little work that has been done amongst them
has met with large results despite the bitter persecution. I am deeply
encouraged and comforted to see how open and receptive they are,
although they bitterly persecute the one who comes in the name of the
Lord. Saul of Tarsus was a great persecutor of Christianity, but finally
yielded and became a true follower of Jesus Christ.
May God help us as Christians to see our great privilege in giving the
Jews the gospel and praying for them that their blindness may depart and
that they may see that the Lord Jesus is the only way, the truth, and
the light.
Among Mohammedans in Egypt
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 8
Nothing is said in the New Testament about the persons who first related
the story of the cross in Egypt. But there is a universal tradition that
the Evangelist Mark went to Egypt and preached the gospel with great
success until he was martyred for the name of Jesus Christ. His head is
believed by the Copts to have been buried in the place where the Coptic
Church in Alexandria now stands. From the records of history it is clear
that the Christian religion was carried to Egypt a few years after the
ascension of our Lord, that many in Egypt accepted the new religion
before the close of the first century, and that the numbers rapidly
increased until Egypt became Christian and churches filled the land.
Abyssinia, too, whether through the Ethiopian's return to his country
after his baptism or through others, also accepted the Christian faith,
and many of her people retain the Christian name and boldly defend a
form of Christian doctrine to this day.
The church in Egypt, as we learn from the pages of history, passed
through the fires of persecution as other churches did in the Roman
Empire, and many suffered martyrdom for their unwillingness to deny Him
who redeemed them with his precious blood. The persecution in Egypt
especially was severe in the reign of Diocletian. Milner says on the
authority of Eusebius: "Egypt suffered extremely. Whole families were
put to various kinds of death; some by fire, others by water, others by
decollation, after horrible tortures. Some perished by famine, others by
crucifixion, and of these, some in common manner. Others were fastened
with their heads downwards and preserved alive that they might die by
hunger. Sometimes ten, at other times thirty, sixty, and once a hundred
men and women with their children, were murdered in one day by various
torments. And there was still the appearance of joy among them. They
loved Christ above all, and bravely as well as humbly met death for
Christ's sake."
But as the years passed on, great importance was laid on fasting,
hermitage, and image-worship, and little by little they lost sight of
the merits of Christ's life, sufferings, and death. Today the majority
of the Copts are far away from the gospel purity of doctrine and
are bound with the chains of superstition, and need help to loosen
themselves from such chains that they may enjoy the light and liberty
of the gospel.
THE REAL CHARACTER OF ISLAM
The population of Egypt today is 12,000,000, of which 90 per cent are
followers of Mohammed. Mohammedanism entered Egypt in 638 A.D., and
from that time it has continued to be the prevailing religion. I will
now mention briefly the ethics of Mohammedanism in order to give the
reader some idea about the pollution, corruption, brutality, and
wickedness that exist among the adherents of this false religion.
"Islam," says Adolph Wuttke, "finds its place in the history of the
religious and moral spirit, not as a vital organic member, but as
violently interrupting the course of this history, and which is to be
regarded as an attempt of heathenism to maintain itself erect under
an outward monotheistic form against Christianity."
The ethics of Islam bear the character of an outwardly and crudely
conceived doctrine of righteousness. Conscientiousness in the sphere of
the social relations, faithfulness to conviction and to one's word, and
the bringing of an action into relation to God are its bright points;
but there is a lack of heart-depth of a basing of the moral in love. The
highest good is the outwardly and very sensuously conceived happiness of
the individual.
Among Islamites the potency of sin is not recognized; evil is only
an individual, not a historical, power; hence there is no need of
redemption, but only of personal works on the basis of prophetic
instruction. Mohammed is only a teacher, not an atoner. God and man
remain strictly external to and separate from each other. God, no less
individually conceived of than man, comes into no real communion with
man; and as moral, acts not as influenced by such a communion, but only
as an isolated individual. The ideal basis of the moral is faith in God
and in his Prophet; the moral life, conceived as mainly consisting in
external works, is not a fruit of received salvation, but a means for
the attainment of the same. Pious works, particularly prayer, fasting,
and almsgiving, and pilgrimage to Mecca, work salvation directly of
themselves. Man has nothing to receive from God but the Word, and
nothing to do for God but good works; of inner sanctification there
is no thought. Thus, among Islamites today we find, instead of true
humility, only proud work-righteousness. Nothing but the enjoyment of
wine, of swine-flesh, of the blood of strangled animals, and games of
chance are forbidden.
After this summary of the real character of Mohammedan ethics, an
account of its practical teaching and effect will make the picture
more vivid to the reader, although still darker.
THE MOSLEM IDEA OF SIN
Moslem doctors define sin as "a conscious act of a responsible being
against known law." They divide sin into "great" and "little" sins.
Some say there are seven great sins: idolatry, murder, false charges of
adultery, wasting the substance of orphans, taking interest on money,
desertion from Jihad, and disobedience to parents. Mohammed himself
said, "The greatest of sins before God is that you call another like
unto the God who created you, or that you murder your child from an idea
that he or she will eat your victuals, or that you commit adultery with
your neighbor's wife."
All sins except great ones are easily forgiven, as God is merciful and
clement. What Allah (God) allows is not sin. What Allah or his Prophet
forbids is sin, even should he forbid what seems right to the conscience.
It is as great an offense to pray with unwashed hands as to tell a lie,
and pious Moslems who nightly break the seventh commandment will shrink
from a tin of English meat for fear they will be defiled by eating
swine's flesh. Oh, what ignorance! The false prophet Mohammed said:
"One cent of usury which a man takes for his money is more grievous
than thirty-six fornications, and whosoever has done so is worthy of
hell-fire. Allah is merciful in winking at the sins of his favorites
(the prophets and those who fight his battles), but is a quick avenger
of all infidels and idolaters."
THE LOW IDEAL OF CHARACTER OF ISLAM
A stream can not rise higher than its source. The measure of the moral
stature of Mohammed is the source and foundation of all moral ideas
of Islam. His conduct is the standard of character. We need not be
surprized, therefore, that the ethical standard is so low among his
followers. Raymond Lull, the first missionary to Moslems, used to show
in his preachings that Mohammed had none of the seven cardinal virtues,
and was guilty of the seven deadly sins. He may have gone too far, but
it would not be difficult to show that pride, lust, envy, and anger were
prominent traits in the Prophet's character.
To take an example, what Mohammed taught regarding truthfulness is
convincing. There are two authenticated sayings of his given in the
traditions on the subject of lying: "When a servant of God tells a lie,
his guardian angels move away to the distance of a mile because of the
badness of its smell." "Verily a lie is allowable in three cases--to
women, to reconcile friends, and in war." It is no wonder, then, that
among the Prophet's followers and imitators "truth-telling is one of the
lost arts" and that perjury is too common to be noticed. As I pass in
the streets of Cairo, many times I hear the Moslems utter the word,
b'ism Allah, "in the name of God," while the speaker knows very well
that his words are altogether a lie.
There are certain things which the ethics of Islam allow, of which it is
also necessary to write. They exist, not in spite of Islam, but because
of Islam, and because of the teachings of its sacred book.
POLYGAMY, DIVORCE, AND SLAVERY
These three evils are so closely intertwined with the Mohammedan
religion, its book, and its prophet, that they can never be wholly
abandoned without doing violence to the teaching of the Koran and the
example of Mohammed.
A Moslem who lives up to his privileges and follows the example of their
saints can have four wives and any number of slave concubines; can
divorce at his pleasure; can remarry his divorced wives by a special,
though abominable, arrangement; and in addition to all this, if he
belong to the Shiah sect he can contract marriages for fun (metaa),
which are temporary. The Koran permits a Moslem to marry four legal
wives, and to have as many concubines, or slave-girls, as he can support.
In Turkey, Moslems call a woman cow.
In Islam, marriage is a kind of slavery; for the wife becomes the slave
(rakeek) of her husband, and it is her duty absolutely to obey him in
everything he requires of her, except in what is contrary to the laws
of Islam. Wife-beating is allowed by the Koran.
The other ethic, which is much worse than all the rest, is slave-trade.
According to the Koran, slavery and the slave-trade are divine
institutions. From the Koran we learn that all male and female slaves,
either married or single, taken as plunder in war are the lawful
property of the master, his chattel. Slave-traffic is not only allowed
but legislated for by Mohammedan law and made sacred by the example of
the Prophet.
For five hundred years Islam has been supreme in Turkey, the fairest and
richest portion of the Old World, and what is the result today? The
treasury is bankrupt; progress is blocked; "instead of wealth, universal
poverty; instead of comeliness, rags; instead of commerce, beggary."
Such are the chief tenets and religious requirements of Mohammedans in
Egypt, Turkey, and in other countries where the people believe in the
Koran. Christianity exists in Turkey by a kind of sufferance. The Turks
hate, ridicule, foster pride and passion toward Christians; the ignorant
populace are taught by their learned men to regard themselves infinitely
better than any Christian. The mosques are generally the hotbeds of
fanaticism. The usual manner of speaking of the Christian was and still
is to call him, in Turkey, "Imansig Kevour" (unbeliever); in Egypt,
"Nasrani," (Nazarene), or "Ya din el kalb," (you dog). Peace, harmony,
and happiness in the homes of Mohammedans are of a very transitory
nature.
Mohammedans may be stedfast and unswerving in their faith and yet guilty
of some of the most heinous crimes. Having lived among them, I have
had many opportunities to learn of their treachery as well as of their
sterling qualities. The Mohammedans are in great need of the gospel of
Jesus Christ, which is a gospel of pardon, peace, purity, righteousness,
and true wisdom.
Notwithstanding the fact that from their earliest childhood their
ideas are perverted by their traditions and false teaching, and their
consciences defiled through their vain religion, the melting power of
the Spirit of God reaches some of their hearts when the gospel of Jesus
Christ is preached. Their lives of deception bring to them many a snare,
yet from among their ranks in the Orient have come some of the most
staunch ministers of the gospel. Gross darkness once reigned throughout
the land of Egypt, and now fervent prayers are ascending to the throne
of God for the light of the gospel to drive the spiritual darkness from
the hearts of the people.
A Daughter's Faith Rewarded
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 9
I was brought up by Christian parents, that is, they were strict
church-going people; but I never knew what it was to have a change of
heart, though I feared God and did at times try to draw near to him.
It was after I graduated from school that I met those who believe in
living holy lives. I was very much impressed with them, but I did not
give my heart to God at that time. I continued to meet them and after
some months became convicted that I was a sinner and under the wrath
of God. Having attended church and Sunday-school from childhood, I had
considered myself a Christian; but when the Bible standard was lifted
up before me, I soon saw my true condition.
One day while alone I yielded myself fully to God, and he received me
into his family. I did not know at that time, though I was very happy
in my new-found love, what a treasure I had really found; but the
eighteen years I have already spent in His service verifies to me that
the path of the righteous shineth more and more unto the perfect day.
A spirit of love and gratitude begets a spirit of service. I wanted to
do something for God, so began visiting the sick. Soon I felt a desire
to go into the work of the Lord, but this step was much opposed in my
home, my family having had a life of worldly honor mapped out for me. I
waited, hoping a way would open for me to go, but it seemed my friends
were becoming more opposed to the life I had chosen. I was forced to
leave home against the wishes of my friends, especially my dear mother,
but I see more clearly now than I did then that God's hand was in it and
that he was leading me.
Mother was so displeased that she took steps to disinherit me, but
afterwards, through the persuasion of others, she relented. She also
forbade me the privilege of returning home, but in this she also
relented. I wondered at this change in my dear mother, who was one of
the best of mothers, for this new life I had received seemed to have
made a great gulf between us. It certainly had made a marked change in
the once rebellious, self-willed girl, and I could not understand why my
mother, who had spent many anxious moments because of my wilfulness, was
not rejoicing instead of opposing me. I now see that my course thwarted
her worldly ambitions for me; hence the bitterness.
I had spent a number of years working for the Master, which were
very profitable and beneficial to my soul. To me it was like God's
training-college. My mother came to visit me sometimes, vainly hoping I
would return with her. She told me that if I would just return home she
would buy me worldly vanities, such as fine dresses, etc., which I had
once loved. She could not understand when I told her I did not want them
any more. She even told me I could receive the attentions of a certain
young man who for her sake I had once refused. But that fancy also had
been removed far from me, and I praised God as I explained to her what
a change had been wrought in me.
About one year after this my mother had a severe nervous attack. She
came to where I was living, saying that she wanted to make her peace
with God and die. Some ministers and I had prayer with her, and God
graciously pardoned her soul. Oh the joy that filled my heart when I saw
my dear mother humble herself before the Lord! She not only received
pardon, but received a divine touch in her body also. She became a bold
witness before all our friends and relatives to what God had done for
her. It seemed she could never praise him enough. Though she was a woman
of very strong character and personality, she became as gentle and
teachable as a little child. Her nature seemed to be entirely changed.
While I write this, tears of gratitude flow because of the greatness of
God's salvation. She spent a few happy months here below, and then God
took her.
Missionary Experiences in British West Indies
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 10
It was a warm, sultry morning late in December. The tropical air was
scarcely fanned by a breeze. The missionary heard the peculiar tapping
of the postman at the gate and hurried to get his morning mail. He took
the single letter that was handed him, and with a pleasant nod to the
postman broke the seal as he stepped back to the veranda.
It was a long letter; so before reading it the man sank into a chair and
glanced away to the gleaming sea; but meeting only the dazzling light
there, he let his eyes rest upon the distant blue-green mountains for
a moment. Then for some time he was occupied with the contents of this
lengthy letter. It was written in a neat, scholarly manner, and the
missionary noted it all as he read.
As he finished reading, a bright-faced woman came through the garden
with a baby in her arms. "Come here, Jennie," he said; and his wife
came quickly to him. "Here is a letter, Jennie, that requires very
careful answering. You know how busy I am; so I will commit this into
your care. This person, a Mr. K. L. Jones, has asked many questions on
the church and other points of doctrine." He looked up as he spoke, and,
finding the baby holding out its chubby arms to him, he took it and
handed the letter to his wife.
Thoughtfully she took it and began reading. She loved to write letters,
and this, she felt, was her special part of the work. But here she
perceived she had a task that was very difficult; for the writer,
evidently a scholar, had put forth a dozen numbered questions that must
be carefully answered or this dear soul would be hindered from walking
in the truth. God would give the needed wisdom, she knew, and she folded
the letter back into its envelope and sat meditating on the different
points he had raised. After a while, she asked:
"How was the meeting last night?"
"Very good! Brother Owen spoke, and he did very well indeed. He used the
text: 'Herein is my Father glorified, that ye bear much fruit; so shall
ye be my disciples.' Several came forward for help afterwards. Ah, by
the way, do you remember Sister Tilton? She was out to meeting last
night."
"Sister Tilton? She must be a new sister!"
"Ah, well, perhaps we did not tell you about her. This young girl came
to meeting once some time ago, but afterwards became very ill. Her folks
wanted the doctor for her, but she refused, not telling them why. But as
her sickness increased, they became alarmed and insisted on calling the
doctor. But the girl still refused the medicine. The doctor said she
would probably not live. Her people begged to know the reason for her
refusal to take the medicine, and she then said that she had been to
the church of God meeting and had been made very happy, and that she
believed if they would send for the elders of that church she should
be healed. So word came, and Brother Owen went and anointed her in
accordance with Jas. 5:14, 15. She has been getting better right along,
and tonight she was at the meeting. She is saved now and seems to have
a clear experience."
"Thank God!" was the hearty response. "How I should have loved to be
at the meeting last night!--but for the present here is my meeting,
and here is my work," and, catching up the baby and waving the letter
happily, she ran into the house at the sound of children's voices
within.
After the baby had been bathed and put to sleep, and the other children
were sitting quietly at play on the side veranda, Sister Patience
settled herself with her Bible at her husband's desk to answer this
important letter. Bowing her head she besought God for this soul and for
wisdom to answer his difficult questions aright. Then taking up her pen,
she began the letter. She was so glad to write; she loved writing; and
the joy of it always seemed to get into the very letters and shine back
from the pages. She addressed Mr. Jones cordially and kindly, and then
took up the substance of the letter itself. In calling his attention to
certain truths she referred to the Bible time after time, and again and
again she prayed, for the letter seemed particularly important to her.
Long she meditated over some of the knotty questions, endeavoring to
find the wisest explanation. Sometimes she was interrupted by the
children just when she most needed to be quiet; but she had learned that
interruptions often come as blessings in disguise, for often God had
given thoughts that were clearer and better when she had patiently gone
to attend to the children, and when she was free to return to her work
she had found an answer preparing itself in her mind without an effort
on her part. Thus, after several hours of close application, she
finished the letter and sent it off with a trusting spirit.
Sister Patience hoped to receive an answer to her letter immediately,
but week after week passed, and there was no response. Dread began to
creep upon her that this soul would not accept the truth. She took him
earnestly to God many times and trusted that God would in some way
overrule. However, as four months passed and she had not heard again,
she gave him over as being no longer interested.
Then it was that one morning there came, to her surprize, a letter in
the same fine handwriting. How cordially he wrote! He thanked her for
answering the former letter so fully and said he had been searching and
proving her answers by the Word during the long interval. And now there
were still a few points remaining that he disagreed with her upon; again
she found a few numbered questions to answer.
These, like the first, were very shrewd, puzzling questions, and only
sagacious answers would satisfy the inquirer. Again Sister Patience
labored over the letter with prayer and meditation. Then, leaning hard
upon God, she wrote another encouraging letter setting forth expositions
of Scripture as clearly as possible. This time she invited her
correspondent to a series of meetings they were expecting to hold during
the coming winter season, when they hoped to have with them one or two
ministers from America for a short period.
Again she waited long for an answer; but this time she did not give him
up. Several months passed, and then one of the brethren, a colporteur,
came. He had been away for several months, and Sister Patience was very
glad to see him.
"And tell me now, Brother Delworth," she said, after the first greetings
were over, "where have you been all this time?"
"Mostly in Arendon and Lawney. I went from Panville to Mayfield, and
from there to Paldings."
"Paldings! You were at Paldings? Do you know one K. L. Jones?" asked
Sister Patience with great interest.
"Ah yes, a fine old gentleman, a school-teacher. He is saved. I sold him
some books. He seems very much interested. And, by the way, he asked me
to say to you when I should see you that he hoped to come over to the
meeting next month, when the brethren are here from America. You will
hear from him soon."
The time was drawing near for the coming of the brethren from America.
Arrangements had been made for a meeting during their stay, which would
be only for a few days. And then one day a letter came from Brother
Jones inquiring as to the date of the meeting, and saying that if
possible he should like to attend it. So again Sister Patience wrote
him, urging him to be at the meeting, if possible.
Thus it was that during the exciting days of the meeting, when many
from different parts of the country had gathered in to meet the brethren
from America in this meeting, Sister Patience first met Brother Jones.
It happened in this way: One morning before meeting-time, she was
passing through the little sitting-room in her home, when she noticed a
fine-looking native man of venerable appearance sitting at one side of
the room. People were all about him, but he was looking over some tracts
that had been handed him. Making her way to him, she said:
"Good morning, Brother, I have not met you before, have I?"
"Ah, no," he said, and, quickly rising, he gave her a courteous bow.
"Can this be Sister Patience? My name is K. L. Jones, of Paldings."
"How glad I am to meet you!" she replied. And then followed an animated
conversation in which she was able to recognize and admire the fine
qualities of his matured mind. Finally he expressed the desire to speak
with the foreign brethren himself, and so an audience was arranged
for him after the next service. Then it was, Sister Patience learned
afterwards, that Brother Jones inquired deeply into the subjects of
sanctification and baptism. Later in the day it was announced that there
would be a baptismal service early the next morning to accommodate
Brother Jones, who was to return home by an early train.
Some years have passed since then. God has wonderfully used the dear old
brother, and a congregation has been raised up about him, who look up to
him as their pastor. These are backward mountain people where he has
labored, yet such has been his patience and faithfulness and love that
they have become established in holiness and truth. Brother Jones, as
we call him, is becoming feeble now, but he is still standing faithful
as the shepherd of this little flock, faithful unto death.
Does it pay to use patience and prayer when dealing with precious souls?
Ah yes; eternity alone can tell all that it means.
The Rescue of an Australian Lad
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 11
It was in the town of Goulbourne, New South Wales, Australia, that
I began my career in life. Until I reached the age of four years, a
prosperous father provided the comforts of a good home, but a great
change took place upon my suddenly being left fatherless. A few months
later found me in a little town on the St. Lawrence River, in the
Providence of Ontario, Canada. I had accompanied my mother to this
place, but she soon placed me with a strange family and went to a
distant city.
As I was now separated from every family tie, life began in real
earnest. It was also the beginning of a record of many interesting and
often sad experiences extending over a number of years. In my wanderings
in different parts of Canada and in many localities of the United
States, the incidents varied all the way from being rescued from
drowning to landing in jail as a vagrant. Space forbids a detailed
account of my experience, which to me affords material for interesting
and often regretful recollection. It may, however, all be summed up and
described as analogous with the casting of an innocent infant into the
mighty Niagara River to be swept along at the mercy of the on-rushing
and maddening current, which knows no relenting, but bears its victim to
an untimely end over the brink of the mighty falls. There destruction
on the ragged rocks below awaits it unless an unseen hand should
miraculously dip into the water and save that form for life and service.
Thank God, in his tender mercy he stretched forth his hand to rescue my
poor, lost, helpless soul from the turbulent rapids of sin when I was
seventeen years of age. He set me on the solid rock of his truth and
gave me the Holy Spirit as an eternal guide and propelling power. He has
proved to be a comforter in whom I can safely put my trust when stemming
the rising tide of unbelief and doubt.
It is with thanksgiving that I can at the present time recount the divine
care of which I have been the object, so far in my pilgrimage through
life. I rejoice to be a partaker of the Father's love, which is pure,
warm, and changeless. There is an abiding assurance of safety so long as
I walk in the path of obedience to his will and trust implicitly in his
mighty power to keep my feet while I take steps toward the threshold of
heaven. I am grateful, also, for a soul-conviction that the most worthy,
most desirable and glorious life is the one that finds its outlet in the
glad service of love to God and discovers complete happiness in serving
others. A soul without Christ is like an idle straw driven at the mercy
of the wind, but the soul redeemed through the blood of Jesus will
experience a sweet essence that turns the unfruitful life into a garden
of unspeakable delights.
Heathen Customs in China
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 12
To those who have been reared in Christian nations, it is difficult to
conceive of the vague ideas of the true worship of the Creator, that
are really bred and born into the worshipers of idols. Generation upon
generation, for thousands of years, have been taught the same form of
worship, or nearly so, until such heathen ideas and doctrines have
become just as much a part of their nature as is any other sinful
disposition.
Having been a personal observer of a few of their customs, I shall here
be mentioning what I have seen, with a prayer that my account may at
least help the reader more fully to appreciate the access that every
worshiper of the true God has to the bountiful storehouse of blessings
provided by our Creator.
For nearly five years I lived a short distance outside a large city in
China. Almost as far as we could see in any direction, the hills and
valleys were dotted with little mounds. (Some of the valleys, however,
were under cultivation.) How came all these little mounds, some round,
some long, some large and some small, some carefully covered over with
fresh green sod, and others greatly weather-beaten and nearly washed
away by the rains of the season? These mysterious little mounds mark the
last resting-places of thousands of Chinese. Should the mortal remains
in a mound be those of a child, little or no attention is shown it; but
should it be those of a father or a mother, the relatives who are left
behind do not fail to show great respect and attention to the spirit of
the departed one. Should they not render such attention, they believe
the spirit has power to inflict upon them great sorrow and adversity.
Some of their methods of showing respect I have observed to be as
follows: After a body is prepared for burial, candles and incense are
kept burning, near the head and the feet; also bowls of rice and other
food, with a pair of chopsticks, are placed within easy reach, for
the use of the spirit. On the day of the funeral some one is hired to
scatter representations of paper money along the road, just ahead of the
bier. In determining the position of the coffin at the grave, great care
is taken to have the head turned directly toward some favorite temple,
that the spirit may have no trouble in finding its way there. Before the
casket is covered with sod, a religious ceremony is held in this way:
All the relatives present, beginning with the nearest kinsman, kneel
down and bow from one to three times, to the one whom they now hold
in such great esteem. Even the tiniest children are taught to thus bow
before and reverence their ancestor. This being finished, there is
then kindled, at the foot of the casket, a small fire of paper money,
by which means they believe the value thereof is transported to the
spirit-world for the use of their departed one.
A day or two after the funeral, and on special feast-days, the near
relatives carry food to the grave and offer the food to the spirit by
placing it in bowls before the grave. They also again burn paper money
or incense. While the fire burns, and the food remains to be received by
the spirit, a woman, usually the nearest relative, kneels by the side of
the grave and begins a long-drawn-out season of lamenting and wailing
for the sorrow that has come upon her on account of the death of the
one by whose grave she is kneeling. She soon almost prostrates herself.
During this season of weeping, she enumerates over and over, all the
virtues and good qualities of the departed one, and begs him to come
back to her. She usually continues in this frenzy until some one who has
accompanied her, pulls her up, bidding her cease the wailing. The bowls
of food previously offered to the spirit are now given to the children
or carried home for others to eat. By this manner of worship the woman
is supposed to show great honor and reverence to the deceased, whether
he was her father, brother, husband, or son.
Well do I remember the strange feelings that came over me the first few
times I witnessed from my window such a scene as I have just described.
I felt such a longing to go to the weeping woman, put my arms around
her, and comfort her sad heart. But to my utter astonishment, within
two or three minutes after all her touching lamentations she was up
laughing, talking, and having a jovial time with those about her!
Whence came those agonizing groans, and whither had they flown? Had
"He who is touched with the feeling of our infirmities" comforted her
heart? Had the God of heaven, who is a present help in every time of
trouble, stretched forth his loving hand to dry her tears of sorrow?
Ah, no; sadly enough, no. Believe me, reader, when I say that these
superstitious women worshiping the spirits of departed ones have a
form of sorrow and make a great pretense of distress, but that, in
reality, it is only a custom or habit which has been copied from their
grandmothers for generations back. This may seem hard to believe, but
one thing which convinced me the quickest was that they all have
precisely the same tune or swing to their wailing. After hearing it
once or twice, you always recognize it afterwards, wherever you are,
whether you see the person or not. It is like a recitation or song
committed to memory. There may be no signs whatsoever of sorrow
until after the woman has taken her place beside the grave, when she
immediately begins in tones that could probably be heard, on a quiet
day, a quarter of a mile away, and continues wailing in the same pitch
until some one bids her cease, when her outward appearance of sorrow
ceases as abruptly as it began. I do not mean to say that never is there
any real sorrow mingled with the outward form. There may be, but it is
the outward form which constitutes the worship and which every woman
seems to know how to perform when the occasion presents itself.
Now permit me to tell something concerning the worship of idols.
Originally, I had the idea that the inside arrangement of a heathen
temple was very much the same as that of a Christian chapel; namely,
that seats were orderly arranged for the worshipers and that the idols
would be standing in the front where the pulpit should be. But upon
my first visit to a temple, I saw that I was mistaken. At or near the
temple door stand two very large, fierce-looking idols, known as guards
of the temple. Arranged all around the sides are numerous other idols,
of various kinds and sizes. But in the center of the building stands
one or more large idols, who are supposed to impart different kinds
of blessings to the worshiper. Standing near by are a number of
incense-pots, from which ascends smoke continuously on worship-days.
On the floor can be seen a number of thick, round mats, on which the
worshipers kneel as they bow before the idols. They do not have fixed
hours of worship and all assemble at the appointed time, but at any time
throughout the day few or many may go in and bow before whatever idols
are supposed to bestow the kinds of blessings desired. The idol is not
supposed to give out the blessing at the time the worshiper bows before
him, as some readers may have believed. For instance, at the beginning
of a new year, if a man bows before the god of wealth, he does not
expect the idol to hand out money to him, but rather he expects that
during the coming year he shall have financial prosperity.
I remember once seeing a father bow before an idol, then take his three
little children, one by one, show them how to kneel upon the mat, fold
their little hands, and bump their heads several times upon the floor
in front of the hideous idol, of which the little ones were afraid. The
father noticed that I was observing closely the procedure. When it was
all finished, he looked at me with a smile, as if to say, "Didn't they
do well?"
These things can not but make sad the heart of a child of God. Catching
a glimpse now and again of a bit of real idol-worship helps one to
realize that the church, in evangelizing the world, has indeed a mighty
undertaking. From a human standpoint, it may seem impossible, but with
God all things are possible.
Deliverance from Discouragements and Extremism
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 13
Along the narrow way that leads to heaven, the Christian meets with many
experiences that to him seem strange and inexplicable. That at times
he should walk in light and then again in darkness; that sometimes he
should run with ease and then again be compelled (as Bunyan puts it) "to
fall from running to going, and from going to clambering upon his hands
and his knees, because of the steepness of the place"; that he should
stand today upon the mountain-top of glory and tomorrow find himself
plunged into the valley of despondency and gloom; that today he should
feel so clearly his Savior's presence, and tomorrow be left seemingly so
entirely to himself; all these and many other things of like nature tend
to puzzle and confuse the souls of pilgrims on the way to glory. That
discouragements and disappointments would come from outside sources
almost all have expected, but that the inward life should be changeful
and varied in any wise many have not thought consistent with true
Christian experience.
VARIED EXPERIENCES
Some, upon discovering that the Christian's pathway leads not always
through verdant valleys and beside still waters, conclude that the
way is too often rough and that therefore the prize is not worth the
running, become discouraged and turn back into sin. Others, after
wondering and seeking in vain for a way always bright and easy, and
learning that all Christians have similar experiences of inward light
and shade, conclude that these things are part of the way and determine
to take them as a matter of course and make the best of them. They
consider the prize too great to miss, and so they press on at any cost,
having settled down to endure what must be endured and to enjoy what may
be enjoyed, hoping some day for an end to it all, but never discovering
the causes, or being able to think the thoughts of God concerning their
difficulties.
Another class can not be satisfied with this condition of mingled light
and shade. Their souls must ever see the face of God, and with nothing
short of that can they abide content. They would make any sacrifice if
only the glory and joy they desire might be theirs, and without it they
can not be still. Everywhere they turn crying, "Wherefore hidest thou
thy face," "Make me to know my transgression and my sin" (Job 13:23,
24); and, like Job again, 'they go forward, but he is not there; and
backward, but they can not perceive him'; on the right and left they
seek, but can not find him (Job 23:8, 9). But they never quiet their
souls sufficiently for God to tell them the causes of the conditions
which they so much deplore.
Yet another class of Christians go through like experiences with the
others, but somehow God by his grace enables their hearts, perhaps after
years of struggling, to settle down at last into a state of stillness
and calm submission where he can teach them the causes of their troubles
and so bring them out into that "wealthy place" which is the normal
state of a mature Christian. Then they can sing with Job, "I have heard
of thee by the hearing of the ear; but NOW mine eye seeth thee" (Job.
42:5).
In religious as truly as in physical and temporal affairs, there is
never an effect without an adequate cause. If the Word of God loses
its richness, if darkness falls upon the soul, if it is hard to pray,
if there is a lack of victory in any respect, there is a reason, a
sufficient cause for such a condition. Let it be understood here that
the causes are not always, in fact often are not, sins. Much confusion
has arisen from imagining that every chastening of the Lord is the
punishment of some sin, when, in fact, each of God's sons must endure
chastisement that they may become in a fuller sense partakers of his
holiness. Thus, we conclude that all the unpleasant experiences with
which we meet in the upward way must be for the sake of eliminating
something of self and of conforming us more to the divine image. We do
not meet them simply because they are in the way, but they are in the
way because we need them. Hence the best way to meet all such things is
to bring them quickly to Father, not inquiring impatiently, "Why must
I suffer so?" but rather: "What is there in my nature that makes this
suffering necessary? What is it that thou art endeavoring to do for me?
And how may I conduct myself so as to receive the benefit?"
TESTS IN EARLY CHRISTIAN LIFE
Happy is the child of God who can say that from the day of his
conversion he has never sinned nor grieved the Spirit of God. Such,
however, has not been the experience of the writer. For several years
I was plunged, sometimes within the space of a few hours, from extreme
happiness and joy into deepest gloom and sadness. Weeks of walking in
the joy of the Lord often terminated in some sad failure, causing untold
misery of soul. When faith again gained the victory, praises in the day
and songs in the night were mine until some other episode or depression
of feeling caused me anxiety and fear. In spite of God's matchless grace
and patient endeavor to teach me the lessons of absolute dependence and
humble trust in him, this condition continued until gradually and almost
imperceptibly my soul reached a place where I seemed past feeling, joy
was no longer mine, love seemed a sensation foreign to my heart, the
power of prayer was gone, and I felt that God had indeed forsaken me. My
testimonies (for I was not conscious of any sin and could not give up my
hope in Christ) sounded to my own ears as "tinkling cymbal and sounding
brass."
That a soul who commits no known sin and who never loses the
determination to serve God could get into such a state seems incredible.
Such, however, was my condition, and I have met some who are on the way
to just such a place of confusion, others who have reached and are now
suffering in the same state of misery, and still others who have passed
through and found that sweet rest of soul so plainly promised to all who
come to Jesus. Such, then, as may be passing through or who are entering
upon such experiences, I trust to be able to show how my feet came to
sink into the miry clay and how at last God graciously set me upon the
solid rock of his eternal truth and gave me new songs of praise and love
once again.
A DEEPER SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE
For the two years intervening between my conversion and the time when
I was enabled to make a complete consecration and receive an experience
which I had not before attained, I enjoyed and endured the experiences
common to the Christian in his early religious life. Many times I
presented myself to God for cleansing, but as often failed to receive
the Holy Ghost, because I could not believe unless I should have such
manifestations of his incoming as some others had received. At last, in
desperation, being confident that I had yielded all to God, I determined
to believe that he did cleanse my heart and give me the Holy Spirit
whether I ever received any feelings or not; for had not the immutable
God promised, and could his word be broken? After a severe testing of
this decision, the Holy Spirit came into my heart, cleansing it and
filling me with joy unspeakable and full of glory. "Now," I thought,
"surely all my difficulties are past, and I shall walk in glory the rest
of my life." This bubble soon burst, however; for in my very testimony
to the gracious infilling of the Spirit, I was shown a degree of self
and a lack of humility, which, had I understood the truth of the matter,
should have sent me in faith to the throne of grace for a supply of what
I lacked, but which, instead, I allowed to throw me into a state of
doubt and fear from which I did not emerge for some days. The agony
of soul which I suffered through not understanding the fact that I had
an individual self-life with which I must reckon, even though I was
sanctified, can be understood only by those who have become victims to
doubts in a like manner. After a time faith became stronger, the seasons
of depression became fewer, and my soul lived upon the wing. Prayer was
a delight; the reading of the Word filled me with praise; meeting the
people of God was the joy of my life; and every newly revealed truth
made my soul leap for gladness.
GLORYING IN SELF
I came at last to revel in my experiences. Insensibly to myself, I
gloried in MY joy, MY victory, MY trueness to God. Others told of trials
and difficulties; my testimonies were full of victory and praise, and I
rejoiced in the fact. Little by little I began to notice the faults and
failures of others, and having begun to think so much of what I was,
I had but a little step to go to make a comparison of their faults with
my virtues. As I remember, I did this all quite unconsciously; but a
brother at last said to me, "I fear you are losing that burning love
for others which you once had." Thus reproved, I sought the Father in a
very simple prayer that he would fill me again with that sweetness and
tenderness so necessary for a child of God. That he answered no one
could doubt, least of all I myself. A passion for souls took hold upon
me. No labor was too hard, no sacrifice too great, if only I could
influence a soul for Jesus. I felt a tenderness of soul toward those
whom I had formerly criticized, and whereas I had avoided them, now I
felt a drawing toward them, and though I believed (because some in whom
I had confidence warned me of it) that they possessed very serious
faults, someway I could not see them so plainly.
I was young in years, and oh, so ignorant! If only at that time my
wisdom had been equal to my love for God and souls, how much of sorrow
I might have been saved! How hard the Spirit of God tried to keep me
from taking counsel with self and others! but I had yet to develop that
individuality which can stand alone with God in sunshine or tempest
and at the same time hold an attitude of humble, submissive love to
the brethren. I needed that single eye which sees only God and is not
occupied with self or others, except in humbly loving and serving them.
Partly through a lack of understanding, but more especially because
spiritual pride was gaining a foothold in my heart, making it impossible
for me clearly to distinguish the voice of the Spirit of God, I failed
to heed his warnings, and entered an experience of darkness and gloom,
lighted by a very few rays of his divine presence, which continued over
a period of several years.
CRITICIZING OTHERS
Gradually my former experience was repeated. Criticism of others slowly
but surely took the place of fervent charity. Contemplation of self and
self-complacency supplanted meditation on God and the humble realization
of my need of his constant help. Self-sufficiency succeeded humble
dependence upon the Lord. All this was utterly uncomprehended by my
heart, and soon I began vaguely to wonder why I did not love secret
prayer as formerly, why the Word did not seem so good to me as before,
and why my thoughts ran so much upon myself and others, whereas in times
past the Lord had been the Alpha and Omega of my meditations. My zeal
for the truth did not abate. My public devotions were earnest and
apparently spiritual, but deep within my soul I knew that there was a
difference. However, I was so much taken up with helping others do right
that I had not much time to attend to my own needs. God had given me
much light, many things for my personal benefit. These I was very
anxious for others to see; for if they were good for me, why not for
others also? Thus, I endeavored to force my convictions upon all I met.
I loved their souls and my actions were born of a desire for their best
good, but my attitude must have repelled rather than have attracted
them. Anxiety to see every one get as much as possible as quickly as
possible, made me oversolicitous and exacting.
At this time I came in contact with some who were inclined to lower the
standard in some respects and give more room for looseness of walk and
conversation than was expedient. These I looked upon at first with pity,
then with indignation, and at last as wilful deceivers. At this stage,
I think, the last vestige of divine tenderness vanished from my soul,
and I entered the conflict determined to vindicate the truth and see the
standard upheld. When efforts were made to discover to me my faults, I
could see only theirs. If it was suggested to me that I was lacking in
love, I felt that judgments instead of love should be meted out to them.
Instead of feeling free in their presence, I felt like avoiding them and
almost feared to be with them. This I ascribed to the bad spirit which
I felt actuated them. Had I only known how, I might have held to the
true standard in righteousness and also in mercy, but I could see no
middle ground. Either I was right and they wrong or the opposite was
true. And I thought that if I was wrong at all I must be wholly wrong.
I had not at that time seen the truth that God judges us by our
motives, and condemns or excuses us as we have or do not have an earnest
determination to serve him and do his will. So any attempt to recognize
those who were failing in doing some of what I was sure was the will of
God only resulted in terrible confusion to my soul.
WARNED BY A DREAM
At last God in mercy gave a dream to a brother who was trying to help
us. I can not recall it perfectly, but to the best of my recollection,
it was somewhat as follows: He thought that he was in the center of a
beautiful stream of water, clear as crystal. The banks on each side were
perpendicular and very high. On each bank was a large bundle to which
was attached a strap. The brother was trying hard, but without success,
to pull those bundles into the stream. In the midst of his exertions he
awoke. Wondering what was in the bundles, he looked to the Lord and
received this solution: The crystal stream represented God's eternal
truth; the obstinate bundles contained a list of things which he gave
to us somewhat as follows:
TRUTH
Human Reasoning | Legality
|
Zeal for spirituality | Great claims to spirituality
Voluntary humility | Harshness
Independence | Self-sufficiency
Headiness | Self-will
Criticism | Criticism
Loose handling of Word | Zeal for written commands
Exaltation of Spirit above Word | Exaction
Undue liberty | Bondage
Compromise | Fanaticism
INDIFFERENCE OR DOUBTS
Such a revelation of my heart should have helped me, but so blind was
I that the only change it wrought was to turn the weapons of harshness,
criticism, and exaction upon myself. And for three long miserable years,
with a heart like a stone so far as feelings were concerned, I wrestled
with doubts and fears and tried, oh, so hard! to reach the standard of
spirituality which I had formerly held up for others. Labor in prayer as
I would, the light would not dispel the darkness, the stony heart would
not soften, except for a short season. Then, how I gloried in the light
and how I mourned when it was dark again! Worse than all else, there
fell upon my soul a state of seeming indifference to my condition and
carelessness toward both God, the souls of others, and myself. Stir
myself out of it, I could not. Sorrow and joy alike seemed strangers to
me. As there was no blessing, so there was no grief. There was a great
calm, but it was the calm of the grave; it was not peace. When reproved
for causing trials to others, as I often needed to be, I endeavored not
to be guilty of the same offense again; but no matter what I did, I
seemed to experience no great depth of sorrow. Withal there developed a
lightness quite foreign to what I had been by nature or grace. I seemed
to live only upon the surface, and to have no ability to reach any
depth of grace. This I deplored, and longed for the blessing of genuine
sorrow. How often I wished that I had never heard the truth if only
I might have the chance to begin all over again!
I lived in circles, making no progress. Daily I prayed for a return of
the joy, love, peace, and victory I had once known. Sometimes the clouds
rifted a little, and I gloried in it, thinking that surely the Lord
had heard, and I should be delivered; but soon I would feel the same
dulness settle down, leaving in me the same aching void as before.
Again and again I tried to repent, thinking that I surely must be
a sinner; but I could not work up any earnestness, nor could I find
anything in particular of which to repent, only the darkness and general
dissatisfaction which I was experiencing. If only I could have begun
again; but there seemed no place from which to start, no foundation for
my feet, and I felt myself almost entirely swallowed in the quicksand
of despondency and discouragement. I realized then the force of the
Psalmist's words, "If the foundations be removed, what shall the
righteous do?"
DISCOURAGEMENTS
At last my thoughtlessness brought upon me some very severe reproofs.
I knew that I was not feeling the weight of them as I should, and I
knew also that unless I should be able in some way to see why I did
such things I could never get any help. Why should I, who longed to be
a soul-winner, be a source of trial to others? Having at last gotten
it settled that there was something fundamentally wrong, I determined
not to content myself until I should discover what it was. Instead of
praying as I had done for so long, for love, joy, etc., I endeavored
to humble myself before God and entreat him to show me what was wrong
within. I made very slow progress. A day of fasting and prayer revealed
nothing. But I would not cease searching my heart. It was very dry
praying, for I had no ability even to feel sorry that my condition was
so bad; but I had one promise to which I clung desperately: "They that
seek the Lord shall not want any good thing" (Psa. 34:10). I could not
make myself feel, nor change my state, but I could seek. And it was
within my power, as it is within the power of all, to believe that he
would be found of me.
At last, little by little, it dawned upon me that I was selfish. The
reader may smile, as I myself do now, that I did not know it before.
But up to that time I had never stopped to consider why I did things.
If I spoke harshly, I was sorry and begged pardon, but it never occurred
to me to think why I had spoken so, except that something had not
pleased me. If I prayed when I felt inclined and neglected prayer when
I did not feel inclined to pray, I knew that I had neglected duty, but
to consider why I had neglected it never entered my mind. If words not
unto edification escaped my lips, I was ashamed, but my motive for so
speaking was unknown to me. But now the Lord showed me clearly that a
desire for personal pleasure and profit lurked deep at the root of all
those acts of indifference and carelessness. Grateful for one ray of
light, I sought again his presence and cried, "But why, O Lord, should
I, who have tasted thy divine grace, who have felt the sanctifying power
of thy Holy Spirit--why should I be selfish?" My spiritual eye was
regaining its sight now and my ear its keenness, so that through many
days, in the testimonies of others, through reading, and in prayer and
meditation, the answer came by degrees, until at last I understood.
SELF-LOVE AND PURE LOVE
There is, I learned, in every human heart an element called self-love.
This is not sinful in itself, being synonymous with that desire for
happiness which is the medium through which God appeals to the soul.
It is not annihilated in the sanctified soul, else Jesus could not have
said, "Love thy neighbor as thyself," but it is there subordinated to
that pure love which places God first in all circumstances. To love the
Lord with all the heart, might, mind, and strength is to love with pure
love; but the heart that loves thus still contains self-love, and it is
through this property of the soul that the sanctified can be tempted.
Adam was a perfect man, with a perfectly pure heart; but when tempted
to obtain something which promised to improve his state and increase
his happiness, he proved that he loved himself by yielding to the
temptation. It is this part of ourselves which must daily be denied lest
it degenerate into selfishness and cause us trouble. There is a degree
to which this self-love and pure love may become mixed in our service
to God. This had happened in my case.
Pure love serves without any hope of reward. When light and peace and
joy fill the soul, or when grief, sorrow, or loneliness presses the
heart, pure love goes on loving and serving. Pure love desires, not to
be pleased, but to please. It gives all and demands nothing in return.
It loves God, not so much for what he has done for the soul, or for what
the soul expects him to do for it, but for what he IS. It seeks him, not
so much that it may be blessed, as that it may be a pleasure to him.
It desires, not so much satisfaction for its own heart, as that he may
be satisfied with it. It seeks not place nor position nor anything, but
only that HE may find pleasure in it, that HE may be able to rejoice in
the work of his hand. If it pleases him to give good things, the soul
is grateful, but does not forget that the Giver is more than the gift.
If evil comes, pure love can quietly rest, desiring naught for self,
but all for him. Even if his face is hidden, pure love, though feeling
keenly the absence of its beloved, can still say in sweet submission,
"Thy will be done"; for it feels itself unworthy of any blessing and so
is content with whatever its Lord is pleased to do. It yields itself to
the Author of every good, and, trusting his love, receives thankfully
and in deep humility what he pleases to give and as gratefully humbles
itself to go without what he does not please to give. "Willingly to
receive what thou givest, to lack what thou withholdest, to relinquish
what thou takest, to suffer what thou inflictest, to be what thou
requirest"--this is pure love and real consecration.
SEEING MY CONDITION
As God revealed this precious truth, I felt as though some one had
said of me, "Doth Job serve God for naught?" and that God could not have
justified me as he did Job. My own heart showed me self-seeking. I saw
then that I had prayed to be blessed; that I had longed for satisfaction;
that I had sought for joy and peace and love and spirituality, partly
at least, that I might be satisfied and well pleased with myself, and,
furthermore, that I might be considered spiritual among the brethren.
Also, I was honestly anxious to be a blessing to others and in
everything to be an "example of the believers." But to seek the Lord
simply to please him never occurred to me, until I was reminded of his
unselfish love for me. He desired me to be "all for him," not because my
little all could make him any richer, but because it was only then that
he could really be "all for me" and bestow upon me the riches of his
love. A sentence from Fenelon made me more ashamed than ever. It reads
something like this: "Would you serve God only as he gives you pleasure
in serving him?"
LIGHT BREAKS UPON MY SOUL
In the beginning of my Christian experience I had but to see a truth to
feel within a strong drawing to obedience. But now all was different.
The cold facts of my condition were plain to me, but there was no inward
force compelling me to act according to the knowledge I had gained. I
was tossed about and wished more than I can tell for some inward urging
of the Spirit of God toward the performance of my duty. I did not know
the truth that God accepts the decision of the will as the purpose of
the heart. I supposed that no act could be acceptable to God unless
it came from a warm feeling of love. The deadness and the apathy of my
heart were sickening. I saw clearly the wretchedness of my condition,
but there was no breaking up, no feeling of sorrow, no conviction (as
I thought), no love for God. If I could only have shed some tears; if my
soul had only been exercised for its own deliverance! But all within was
as still as a stone; only my mind seemed active.
At last, however, I saw that this apparent lack of sorrow was only
another step toward the utter repudiation of self. In the past, self
had hidden behind my tears, and I had unconsciously trusted in my sorrow
instead of in the Lord, thinking that surely because I felt so sorry,
I should not repeat the offense. But a feeling of sorrow can not save,
as I proved again and again by repeated failures, and so God, wishing
to strip me of anything in which to trust except himself, allowed me
not even the satisfaction of tears or a breaking up of heart. He wished
to teach me that real repentance is an act of the will and not of the
emotions. For a tender heart, one should be grateful, but to trust in
that for victory over sin or faults can only lead to repeated failure.
So at last I was willing to submit this point to him who doeth all
things well and was willing to cast myself, unworthy, undone, without
a vestige of hope in myself, nor a place to set my feet, wholly upon
him and to believe that he took me AS I WAS, whether I was able to do
or be anything or not, and would begin to work in me his divine will.
LEARNING MY MISTAKES
The same trouble arose about my lack of feeling any love for God. How
could I, who had been the recipient of so many favors from the hand of
God, be so hard-hearted as not to love him! Could I dare come to him or
ask anything from him when I did not love him, when I had given so much
place to self-love and had been so indifferent concerning the pleasure
of my King? How difficult it is to come to God empty-handed! If only I
might have brought at least a little love in my hand to offer him! But
no, there seemed to be none; and at last my poor soul came to see and
confess that, after all, it was not because of my love to him that he
loved me and saved me, but because of his great mercy and love for me.
At length my soul, falling down before him, could cry out in truth,
"Nothing in my hand I bring;
Simply to thy cross I cling."
Then he taught me that love does not depend upon emotion; that so far as
God is concerned, it is a free gift to us; that in order for us to enjoy
it we must accept it as our own. The acceptance depends upon our will
and decision in the matter, and not upon our feelings. To illustrate: If
a person does much for me that is hard and difficult for him, willingly
makes many sacrifices for me, without any hope of reward, I conclude
that he loves me far better than the one who does much for me for which
he receives or expects remuneration. Nowhere does the Bible command
us to =feel= like obeying the Lord; nowhere is it even suggested that
we should =feel= like loving him. But we do find that God's pleasure
rests upon those who "=will= do his will" (John 7:17), and we do have
this definition of love: "This is the love of God, that we keep his
commandments." Feelings have nothing to do with the keeping of God's
commands. Of course, it is more pleasant to us to do what we feel
inclined to do, but it does not necessarily give more pleasure to God.
If we obey God because he is God and because it is right to obey him,
we act from pure love, and the pleasure God feels toward such service
will in time be poured out upon the soul in streams of love, and there
will be all the feeling desired.
Thus, I saw that if I willed to love God and acted as nearly as possible
as I should act if I felt the glow of his love in my heart, this was
more acceptable to him than the same service would be if rendered
because my feelings prompted me to do it.
VICTORY OVER ACCUSATIONS
In acting upon this truth, I was often accused of being a hypocrite,
because my prayers, my manifestations of love and interest in others,
and whatever I did for the Lord, seemed unreal and strained. Here,
however, faith came to my rescue, enabling me to say to Satan: "No, I am
not a hypocrite. I know that I do not feel like doing what I am doing;
I know that I am not getting any particular pleasure out of it. But I do
not deserve any pleasure, and I shall continue to do the best I can to
prove to God that I do love him and am trying to give him pleasure.
If he never sees fit to give me back again the joy which I formerly had
in his service, that is his business. Mine is to love and serve. Let him
do as he will with his own."
It was all very dry and hard at first, for the old doubts about being
his when I did not feel his presence, knocked hard for admittance; but
I was enabled to meet them always with the same confidence: "I can not
doubt that he loves me now, whether I seem to love him or not; for did
he not 'love me and give himself for me' when I was not trying to serve
him at all? Anyway, my salvation does not depend upon my love for him,
but upon his for me. But I WILL love him and prove it by trusting and
obeying him. This is all I can do; the rest I leave with him." The test
was a long one, and a lesson that I shall not forget.
When, at last, God saw that I would ask only for ability to satisfy
and please him, whether I felt pleased and satisfied or not, there came
into my soul gradually light and joy, and oh! such a sweet sense of his
presence. Praise his name! The love and other graces I then felt in my
soul, I could not boast of, however, for they all came from and belonged
to him; and when I was enabled again to bow before him with a sweet
sense of love and reverence, I felt that in adoring and loving him,
I was not bringing to him something of my own, but only returning to
him that which he had given me. I felt as I had not for years that
"The graces within are not mine;
For the love and the power and the glory
Belong to the Savior divine."
LOCATING MYSELF SPIRITUALLY
One other point of which I must speak in this connection is the
difficulty I experienced in endeavoring to locate myself spiritually
when in the midst of the confusion I have described. Could I be saved
at all when in such a state? Did I need to repent, or only try to do
better? Were my careless actions and thoughtless words sins, or only
mistakes? Fortunately, I was advised not to try to figure out so
carefully what was sin and what was not, but to present to Jesus
anything that troubled me, and to trust him implicitly to work in me
the victory that I needed. By humbly confessing my weakness and claiming
the promise of Phil. 2:13, "For it is God that worketh in you both to
will and to do his good pleasure," I was enabled to gain victory almost
immediately over many faults and failures with which I had wrestled long
and over which I could never have gotten victory if I had spent my time
picking every failure to pieces to find out whether it was something of
which I needed to repent as a sin or only a mistake. I felt that God was
pleased to have me humbly confess and trustingly turn over to him for
correction any and every error whether it seemed to me serious or not.
It would take too much space to tell here of all the changes which were
wrought in me by these experiences. Suffice it to say that life has been
different ever since. Not that I have always felt the Lord just as near,
for he has needed to remind me of the lessons I have recorded and to
teach me others; but whether he seems near or far, Satan has never
succeeded in making me fear and doubt. I have learned that whether God
leads in light or in darkness, he IS leading and I have nothing to fear.
If darkness comes upon me, it is for a purpose, and I can wait patiently
upon him until he makes that purpose known. Submissively to wait and
patiently to trust in him till he reveals his purposes is my part. His
part is to lead and take care of me, and this, I am sure, he will do
unto the end. Therefore I have no responsibility except to go on obeying
and trusting him. Whatever bothers or troubles me in myself or others
I lay at his feet, expecting him to give me victory if the trouble be
in myself, or to bring it out in his own good way if it be in others.
And thus my soul has reached and abides in that "wealthy place" where
no harm can ever come and where the soul is kept in perfect peace.
Liberated from Faultfinding
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 14
For the glory of God and the encouragement of others I wish to testify
against the evil of faultfinding. Soon after the beginning of my
Christian experience, about twelve years ago, I was severely harassed by
this adversary of my soul. So cunningly were my eyes blinded to my real
condition that I was almost overwhelmed at times through the workings of
this dangerous influence.
At times I would be almost free from it, but very much of the time I
seemed to have a peculiar faculty of finding the mote in the eyes of
others and was never aware of the beam in my own eye. I could see so
much to pick at in some brethren that there was no time left for me to
step aside and occasionally take myself into account and see myself as
others saw me. I thought I could conduct some affairs over which others
had charge, so much better than they were being conducted, that I was
at times uncomfortable because I did not have a chance to show what I
could do. It is needless to say that during the time that I was a prey
to this wicked spirit, I had little, if any, spiritual life; but I tried
to convince myself that I was doing quite well. There was, however, a
blank or a real lack in my Christian life, because I had not learned to
be an ideal Christian in humility before God and meekness towards my
fellow men.
As soon as I passed through enough sad experiences to make me the happy
possessor of a willing spirit, I began to realize that I was learning
the necessary lessons and through these trials and tribulations I began
to have a little understanding of the cause and root of my trouble.
There were three happenings that aided in awakening me to my need. The
first one was a few years ago, when I received from a brother a letter
in which he said, "Brother, you need continuity." That reproof found
its place in my heart, and the first seed was sown toward a harvest of
willingness. Although it brought no immediate results, yet it stayed by
me and was very prominent before me many times.
The second lesson was brought to me through a sermon. The sister who
delivered the sermon related the experience of a brother who had years
of difficulty in regard to finding fault with others, and who finally
concluded that the trouble was more with him than with those he
criticized. I began to see my own case a little clearer, but I did not
fully learn the lesson until sometime later.
My third lesson came in the following manner: A brother in whom I had
some confidence came to my home and asked for a position, which I
secured for him. We admitted him into our home for his comfort as well
as for our pleasure spiritually, as we supposed he would be a help to
us. It was not long, however, until it seemed there was nothing that
escaped his faultfinding. He saw mountains of fault with us and our
children. At last I saw in his case a picture of what I myself had done
during the past, but I had banished from my life all thoughts of ever
again being influenced by such a faultfinding spirit. Never before had
I been able to see the picture of my former condition as I saw it when
fully manifested in the life of this brother.
Although it had been my desire and no doubt his full intention to do
what was right, nevertheless this evil habit, if I may call it such,
had gained such a foothold in my life and in his life as to be a
hindrance to our own spiritual progress and a stumbling-block in the
way of others. This habit of faultfinding by those who are claiming
to be children of God has caused them to wander from the true paths of
righteousness into forbidden paths, and also to turn many others from
the path that leads to everlasting life.
It is with much gratitude to God that I undertake to tell of my
deliverance from that great barrier and hindrance to my spiritual
progress. When I came to the point where I humbled my heart before the
Lord and let him turn the searchlight upon me, the faults in others were
not so great, but mine had seemed to climb mountain high. It was with
a determination and positive decision to turn from such things; and the
Lord, understanding my intentions in regard to those things, took note
of my humility of heart and delivered me, for which I give him all the
praise and glory. May the dear Lord help us all to bear with each other,
and forbear complaining, even though it may at times seem necessary.
I am sure it will bring about a great measure of the grace of God.
Help from God in Fiery Trials
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 15
When I think of the great mercy and love of God that follows after a
soul and remember that he knows all about the thoughts and intents of
the heart, truly I stand in awe before him. Since he knows all and has
all power, can we not trust him when we give ourselves into his hands
to be molded into his image to shine for him?
"Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the
kingdom of heaven, but he that doeth the will of my Father." Every
one who will give all into his hands will be brought through the fire,
according to Zech. 13:9--"And I will bring a third part through the
fire, and will refine them as silver is refined, and will try them
as gold is tried: they shall call on my name, and I will hear them:
I will say, It is my people: and they shall say, The Lord is my God."
In telling some experiences in the furnace-flames, I wish to lose sight
of everything except to be a help and encouragement to those who are
in trial.
In writing my experience, I shall find it necessary to make mention
of some of the sad things concerning my husband, a fact which I very
much regret. But I trust that dear souls will take warning and realize
that there is no limit to the work of the enemy when once he gains
possession. I shall never cease to be thankful for the first copies of
a paper called the Gospel Trumpet I ever saw. Through my reading them,
conviction was sent to my soul by the Spirit of God; but being unwilling
to meet the necessary conditions, I resisted the convictions and put the
papers aside.
Some months afterwards while searching for something, I came across
those papers, and immediately that same conviction returned, but again
I resisted it. My health failed, and I continued to decline until I was
almost in the jaws of death. Physicians could do nothing for me. During
this time God was doing his best to get me to understand that if I would
give up he would save and heal me. At last I yielded, and he saved my
soul and healed me, and from that day until this, which has been more
than eighteen years, I have been fascinated by the charms of a Christian
life.
THE BEGINNING OF PERSECUTIONS
For a long time I did not meet with any persecution in my home, as my
husband saw the light of the gospel and believed it to be the truth,
but was not willing to walk in it. God followed after him with love and
long-suffering. Time after time he resisted the conviction, but finally
the Spirit succeeded in breaking up his heart and showed him what he
must do to make his wrongs right. He began making a profession of
religion, but refused to make all his wrongs right, and in a short time
the enemy took possession of him, whereupon he turned against God and
against me, and grew worse and worse.
Now the furnace-flames became hot. He was restless and could not be
content to stay anywhere very long at a time, and everywhere we went
he set about to turn the people against me by telling untruths to gain
sympathy. He was very cruel to the children and me.
After we moved to a small town in northern Kansas, these words came
vividly to my mind: "Fear none of those things which shall come upon
thee." With the cruelty and persecution came a severe affliction. Two
doctors pronounced it tuberculosis in the knee-joint. It was so serious
that I could not bear to be moved, and when I sat in a rocking-chair I
was obliged to have something under the rocker to keep the chair from
moving. The thoughts of any one's coming near my knee made the pains go
through my limb. At times I was able to walk some on crutches by being
careful. My leg was swollen from above the knee down. At night I had to
lie upon my back with pillows under my knee, and I could move neither to
the right nor to the left, and sometimes just to cough a little caused
almost unendurable pain.
All this happened during the months before a baby girl was born. My
family and neighbors did not expect me to live, but God stood by me and
gave me this assurance: that as the children of Israel faced the Red Sea
with no possible way of crossing, and he divided the waters and let them
pass through, so he would in like manner help me. Oh, it was precious to
trust him!
Just about a week before the child was born, the excruciating pain left
my knee, but upon my recovery it came back seemingly worse than ever.
About three months later the Lord healed the disease, which has never
returned. However, I was left a cripple, and have had to use crutches
ever since that time.
At this time I had eight children. Two grown boys had gone from home,
leaving me to care for the other six. I had a great desire to rear them
for God. Thus far I had spent most of my Christian life in isolated
places, where I was deprived of church privileges. It seemed that all
the hosts of darkness were united against my determination to rear my
children under Christian influence. Although I had many things to learn
regarding how to do this, yet God was patient in teaching me.
Once when an awful discouragement tried to settle down over me, and it
seemed there was no material to work on, I was comforted through the
impression that came to me in the words, "God can take a worm and thresh
a mountain," and I have never forgotten these words, the thought of
which is expressed by the prophet in Isa. 41:14, 15. I felt that some
who opposed me would be glad for me to die so that they could get the
children from my influence. Once my husband was threatened with arrest
for cruelty, and I feared that my children would be taken from me and
placed among my opposers, as one woman had said there were plenty of
homes for them. Then the scene of Christ before Pilate came before me
and this scripture: "Thou couldest have no power at all against me,
except it were given thee from above." At the same time one of the
organ-keys was down, and we were unable to repair it; so I said, "We
will trust the Lord to fix it." When the above-mentioned scripture came
to me, the organ-key raised of its own accord, and I said, "Is there
anything like that in the Bible?" and quickly came the answer: "The gate
opened of its own accord when Peter went out." Joy filled my soul as
I realized that the mighty God of heaven was my helper.
At another time I made a carpet which required five years to make by
working whenever I could find time to do so. After it was finished and
before I had cut it, the Spirit said to me, while I was praying one day,
"Send that carpet to Kansas City to help furnish the Missionary Home."
My heart said amen, and God made my husband willing, blessed my soul in
sending it, and later gave me a carpet larger than the one I had given.
My husband had ceased to allow me to have a way to make money of my
own. I was not permitted to have either chickens or eggs. Once I made
a hot-bed, as plants found a ready sale, and thought I would make a
little money in that way, but he found it just as the plants were coming
up and destroyed it. God never failed to bless me when I said amen.
At one time when I was in need of a pair of shoes, I went in earnest
prayer to the Lord like a child and asked him for a pair. Soon
afterwards I received a letter from a sister in Kansas City whom I had
never seen. She was giving her entire time to the gospel work and had
a little money in her possession. In her letter she said, "My mind was
directed to you last Sunday during the services, and I was impressed to
send this money to you." At another time after praying for some money, I
received a dollar. I was in need of so many things that I asked the Lord
how I should spend it. This answer came: "Send it to the missionaries in
India." I did so, and in a short time received three pair of shoes for
the children, of which they were very much in need. I had many similar
experiences.
When our baby girl was about three months old, a dear sister whom I had
met and who was living in an isolated place, came to pay me a visit. She
remained in that community. After about a year she was eager to grow in
grace, and while she was anxiously waiting before the Lord and wishing
that she might grow like Sister ----, the question came to her, "Are you
willing to pass through what she has had to pass through?" She had a
desire to do whatever was necessary, but did not feel that she could
very well pass through such severe ordeals. In order to be spiritual
and grow in grace, it is not always necessary for people to pass through
such severe trials, nevertheless their consecration must be to pass
through anything that would be most to the glory of God.
About this time I had an attack of sickness, and for sometime it seemed
that I might die. My husband went to visit his sister and left me alone
with the children. The sister who had been staying in the community,
felt that she must come and stay with me, and when my husband returned,
the Lord put it into his heart to hire her for a while. The Lord healed
me and made my husband willing for my oldest daughter and I to go to a
meeting at Kansas City. This was my last opportunity to enjoy a meeting
before entering a much darker vale of trial. Our daughter was saved,
for which I praised the Lord. My husband refused to hire the sister any
longer, but in answer to prayer consented for her to stay as long as she
desired without pay for her services.
In December of that year a dear baby boy was born. The Lord gave me this
assurance: "I will be with thee in six troubles, yea, in seven there
shall no evil befall thee." My husband began planning to go to Arkansas.
We had been here three years and were getting our home comfortably
furnished, but we learned to take joyfully the spoiling of our goods and
to see them sold at a great sacrifice.
One day while I was communing with the Lord, this scripture was vividly
impressed upon my mind: "In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall
direct thy paths." At that time there was suggested to my mind the name
of a town in Kansas near where I lived during my childhood. I did not
understand what it meant, as we did not go there, but I understood
later. I had always had an aversion to living in the backwoods, for I
knew that the welfare and education of the children would be neglected,
but I acknowledged God's way.
The sister who was with us was willing to stay or go with us.
We asked the Lord to open the way if he wanted her to go, and my
husband told her that if she wanted to go he would pay her way. There
are many experiences through which I passed that I should like to
relate--experiences showing the mysterious ways in which the Lord helped
us in time of need. I learned that obedience and trueness to God will
bring us into a wealthy place.
My husband went about six weeks before we did and secured a location.
Upon our arrival we found that our home for the present was sixteen
miles from a railroad, back in the mountains, and that the roads were
very rough and rocky. Our house was a very small one built of rough,
unhewn logs. There were no windows, only some small shutters which
could be opened when the weather was not cold. There were plenty of
cracks and the fireplace was a smoky one. Most of the people in that
community had lived there from the time of their birth and were poor.
The women used tobacco. Some could not read, and morality was at a
low ebb.
Soon after being introduced to our new surroundings, I was asked these
three questions in succession:
"Are you willing to stay here and work?"
"Yes," I answered.
"Unseen and unknown?"
"Yes."
"Not even an obituary when you die?"
"Yes."
There were only twenty acres in cultivation, which required more hard
work than eighty acres of ordinary farm-land. That fall my husband
purchased a hewed log house of three rooms and moved it down between the
mountains. It had four whole windows and two half windows, and we never
knew before what luxuries they were.
We continued to have Sunday-school, as husband had not yet forbidden
us to have it. He succeeded in turning most of the people against us
by telling
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