Book of Etiquette, Volume I
by Lillian Eichler Watson · English · Gutenberg #35975 · 463,446 chars · public domain (US)
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Title: Book of Etiquette, Volume I
Author: Lillian Eichler Watson
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Language: English
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[Illustration: © Brown Bros.
ON HER WEDDING DAY
The greatest charm of the bride's costume lies in its simplicity]
BOOK OF ETIQUETTE
BY
LILLIAN EICHLER
VOLUME I
ILLUSTRATED
NELSON DOUBLEDAY, INC.
GARDEN CITY NEW YORK
1924
COPYRIGHT, 1921, BY
NELSON DOUBLEDAY, INC.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES
PREFACE
Success without culture is like old-fashioned strawberry short cake
without the whipped cream. It has no flavor.
There are certain little courteous observances, certain social
formalities that bespeak the true lady, the true gentlemen. Some of us
call it good form. Some of us call it culture. Some of us call it
etiquette. But we all admit that it makes the world a better place to
live in.
In Italy, young men and women are considered _ben educato_, not when
they can read and write, but when they know the established forms of
convention--when they can show by a correct dignity and ease of manner
that they are perfect in their knowledge of the rules of good society.
And, after all, don't you yourself judge people by what they do, and
say, and wear? Don't you read in their manner and appearance the secret
of their inner worth? Isn't character and disposition revealed in the
outer personality?
Perhaps you have heard the story of the "gentleman" who prided himself
on being perfect in the art of etiquette. On one occasion, he passed a
lake and heard a drowning man call for help. Quickly he threw off his
coat and was about to plunge into the water, when he suddenly
remembered that he had never been introduced to the struggling victim.
Putting on his coat again, he proceeded on his way quite
self-satisfied.
This is an instance where common-sense would have been the better part
of etiquette. Too rigid an observance of the laws of good society makes
them nothing short of an absurdity. The purpose of correct manners is
not to enable us to strut about in society and command the admiring
glances of the people around us--as the peacock, in its vanity, parades
before onlookers in a proud dignity that is quite obviously assumed.
The true service of etiquette is so to strengthen and simplify the
social life that we are able to do what is absolutely correct and right
without even stopping to think about it.
That, then, is the purpose of THE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE--to give to the
reader so clear and definite an understanding of the social life that
he will be able to have at all times, under all conditions, that
unaffected grace and charm of manner that the French like to call
_savoir faire_. It has been written, not for the exceedingly
ill-bred or for the highly polished, but for those who find a certain
sense of satisfaction in doing what is correct--sincere men and women
who, in the performance of their business and social duties, find that
there is a constant need for cordial and gracious relationship with
those around them.
If the following chapters awaken in the reader the desire for closer
companionship with the vast world of human nature, of which we are all
a part; if it takes from his nature all that is coarse, awkward and
unrefined, substituting instead a gallantry of spirit and a gentleness
of breeding; if it makes him a more loving and a more lovable
person--then THE BOOK OF ETIQUETTE will have served its purpose.
Incidentally, the author is indebted to Mr. L. E. Smith, without whose
coöperation this book would never have been written.
_Lillian Eichler._
CONTENTS
CHAPTER PAGE
PART I
I. INTRODUCTION TO ETIQUETTE 1
What is Etiquette?--Laws of Society--Control of the Impulses--Regard
for the Rights of Others--The Danger of Intolerance--Why it Pays to
Be Agreeable--The Simplest Culture.
II. ETIQUETTE'S REWARD 11
The Origin of Manners--The Manners of To-day--Good Society in
America--The True Lady and Gentleman--The Secret of Social
Success--What Manners Will Do for You--Etiquette's Reward.
III. ENGAGEMENTS 20
Of Special Importance--The Proposal--The Engagement Ring--Announcing
the Engagement--The Most Usual Method--Announcing an Engagement in
the Newspapers--Engagement Gifts--Bridal Showers--Length of the
Engagement--Responsibility for the Wedding--Families and Friends.
IV. WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS 31
The Wedding Invitation--Size and Material--Kinds of Envelopes--
Addressing the Envelopes--Invitations to Church Wedding--Invitation
to Home Wedding--Wedding in a Friend's Home--When Cards are Enclosed
--Invitations to Second Marriages--Invitation to Wedding Anniversary
--Informal Wedding Invitation--Acknowledging the Formal Wedding
Invitations--Whom to Invite--Sending the Invitations--Recalling
the Wedding Invitation--Breaking an Engagement--Returning Gifts--
When Death Intervenes.
V. WEDDINGS 49
The Church Wedding--Attendants--The Bridesmaids--Rehearsals--
Regarding the Ushers--The Wedding Day--Arriving at the Church--
Wedding Music--The Wedding Procession--The Ceremony--Leaving the
Altar--Rice, etc.--The Wedding Reception--The Wedding Breakfast--
The Wedding Present--Acknowledging Wedding Presents--The Home Wedding
--The Second Wedding--Some Important Conventions--Seeking Advice--
Wedding Anniversaries--The Silver Wedding--The Reception--Tin and
Wooden Weddings--The Golden Wedding--The Golden Wedding a Glorious
Achievement.
VI. THE BRIDE'S OUTFIT 73
Origin of the Trousseau--The Trousseau of To-day--About the Linens
--For the Bride--The Wedding Dress--The Bride's Veil--Wedding
Flowers--Dress of the Maid of Honor--Marrying in Traveling Dress.
VII. FUNERALS 83
Funeral Customs--The Funeral of To-day--When Death Enters the
Family--Taking Charge--Announcing the Death--Some Necessary
Preparations--The Ladies of the Family--The Pall-Bearers--Duties
of Pall-Bearers--The Church Funeral--Order of Precedence--The
House Funeral--A Point of Importance--Removing Signs of Grief
--Seclusion During Mourning--Dress at Funerals--Interment and
Cremation--Mourning Dress--Mourning Dress for Men--Mourning
Stationery.
VIII. CHRISTENINGS 104
Announcing the Birth of the Child--Responding to the Announcement--
Godparents--Invitations to a Christening--A Church Christening--The
House Christening--After the Baptism--Gifts.
PART II
I. INTRODUCTIONS 113
Purpose of the Introduction--Creating Conversation--When to
Introduce--Importance of Care--Special Introductions--When the
Name Isn't Heard--The Correct Introduction--Group Introductions--
The Chance Introduction--Incomplete Introductions--Indirect
Introductions--The Acknowledgment--Forms of Acknowledgment--
Future Recognition of Introduction--Introducing at Dinner--
Introducing at the Dance--Introducing at Receptions--Speaking
without Introduction--Introducing Children--Cordiality in
Introductions.
II. LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION 135
The Letter of Introduction--Presenting the Letter--Acknowledging
a Letter of Introduction--Model Letters of Introduction--The
Card of Introduction--Business Introductions.
III. CALLS AND CALLING CUSTOMS 142
The Beginning of Social Calls--When Calls are Made--The Proper
Length of a Call--The Day at Home--Dress for Calls--Paying the
First Call--Calls of Obligation--About Returning Calls--The
Call of Condolence--The Call of Congratulations and Inquiry--
The Social Calls of Men--The Invalid's Call--Asking a New
Acquaintance to Call--The Woman's Business Call--Receiving
Calls--Duties of the Hostess--Receiving the Chance Caller--
When the Host is at Home--Taking Leave of the Hostess--The
Evening Call--When Gentlemen Receive Callers--Making a Chance
Call--Informal Calls.
IV. VISITING CARDS--AND OTHERS 165
Your Card a Representative of You--General Rules Regarding Cards
--Size of Cards for Women--Size and Material of Cards for Men--
Titles on Cards for Women--Cards for Widows--The Young Lady's
Card--Indicating the Day at Home--The Married Couple's Card--
Using Jr. and Sr.--Titles on Cards for Men--Professional Cards
for Men--Cards for Mourning--When the Woman Goes a-Calling--When
More than One Card is Left--Some More Points About Calls and
Cards--The Chance Call--Simple Card-Leaving--Should a Stranger
Leave Cards?--Cards and Business Calls--When a Man Leaves Cards
--The Man's Chance Call--About Leaving and Posting Cards--Leaving
Cards of Inquiry--Acknowledging Cards of Inquiry and Condolence
--Announcement Cards--When Traveling--P.P.C. Cards.
V. INVITATIONS 198
Some General Rules--Invitation to a Formal Dance--Accepting the
Invitation--For the Informal Dance--The Dinner Dance--The Début
Dance--Invitations for the Subscription Dance--Acknowledging
Subscription Dance Invitations--Invitation to Public Ball--
Requesting an Invitation--The Dinner Invitation--In Honor of
Celebrated Guests--The Acknowledgments--For the Informal Dinner
--When the Dinner is Not at Home--The Daughter as Hostess--
Inviting a Stop-Gap--To Break a Dinner Engagement--Invitations
for Luncheons--Acknowledging the Luncheon Invitation--The
Informal Invitation--Reception Invitations--Reception in
Honor of a Special Guest--Invitations to Garden Parties--
Acknowledging the Garden Party Invitation--House or Week-End
Parties--The "Bread-and-Butter" Letter--Invitations to the
Theater and Opera--Invitations to Musicales and Private
Theatricals--Children's Party Invitations--Invitations to a
Christening--A Word of Special Caution.
VI. CORRESPONDENCE 235
To-day and Yesterday--The Letter You Write--The Business Letter
--Function of the Social Letter--The Etiquette of Stationery--
Letter and Note Paper--Crests and Monograms--Use of the Typewriter
--Regarding the Salutation--Closing the Letter--Addressing the
Envelope--Letter of Condolence--Acknowledging a Letter of
Condolence--Etiquette of the Friendly Letter--The Child's
Letter--Letters to Persons of Title.
VII. PARENTS AND CHILDREN 254
The Home--Appearance of the House--Dress--Dress for Children--
Children and Development--Know Your Children!--Imitation--The
Child's Speech--At the Table--Playmates--Children's Parties--
Planning Surprises--Receiving the Young Guests--About the
Birthday Party--When the Young Guests Leave--Children's
Entertainments Away from Home--Children and Dancing--A Word
to Parents--Amusements--Let the Child be Natural--The Young
Girl--The Girl's Manner--The Chaperon--The Young Country Miss
--The Girl and Her Mother--For the Shy and Self-Conscious--
Forget About Yourself--Why the Shy are Awkward--Self-Confidence
Versus Conceit--Country Hospitality--Importance of Simplicity--
The Hostess--The Guest--For Country Folks--The Endless Round of
Hospitality--When to Invite--The Guests and Their Duties--
Addressing Titled People.
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
ON HER WEDDING DAY _Frontispiece_
PAGE
CHURCH DECORATED FOR A FORMAL WEDDING 62
AN ALTAR FOR A HOME WEDDING 142
DECORATIONS FOR A WEDDING IN A SMALL CHURCH 190
PART I
"_The power of manners is incessant--an element as unconcealable as
fire. The nobility cannot in any country be disguised, and no more in a
republic or a democracy than in a kingdom. There are certain manners
which are learned in good society, of that force that, if a person have
them, he or she must be considered, and is everywhere welcome, though
without beauty, or wealth, or genius._"
--_From Emerson's Essays_.
BOOK OF ETIQUETTE
CHAPTER I
INTRODUCTION TO ETIQUETTE
WHAT IS ETIQUETTE?
At a meeting of army officers during the Civil War, one of them began
to relate a questionable story, remarking, as if to excuse his lack of
good taste, that "there were no ladies present." General Grant, who was
acting as chairman of the meeting, remarked, "No, but there are
gentlemen"--and he refused to allow the officer to continue the story.
What is a gentleman? The question is an old one. It cannot be ancestry,
for often the son of most noble and honored parentage is merely a
coarse compound of clay and money, offered to society as a gentleman,
It cannot be dress--for surely Beau Brummell was not what the world
loves to call a gentleman, despite his stiffly starched cravats and
brightly polished boots. It cannot be money, for then many a common
thief, made wealthy by his ill-gotten gains, would be entitled to the
name of gentleman.
No, it is something that goes deeper than ancestry or dress or
wealth--something that is nobler and finer than any, or all, of these.
Perhaps it can be best expressed by this beautiful example of what true
etiquette can mean:
Henry Ward Beecher, on a very cold day, stopped to buy a newspaper from
a ragged youngster who stood shivering on a corner. "Poor little
fellow," he said, "aren't you cold standing here?" The boy looked up
with a smile and said, "I was, sir--before you passed."
The word _etiquette_ itself does not mean very much. It comes from
the same origin as the word "ticket" and originally meant the rules of
court ceremony printed on tickets that were given to each person
presented at court. But through generations the ideal of perfected
culture surged, until to-day we have a code of manners that is the
pride and inspiration of refined living.
LAWS OF SOCIETY
Etiquette, after all, is not the finished work, but merely a tool that
opens the portals to a broader life, to a greater social happiness.
Through its influence we are brought into close companionship with the
really worth-while minds of our day. By faithful constancy to its rules
we gradually mold our characters until, in our outward dignity and
charm, the world reads and understands our ideals.
There is in every human nature the desire for social happiness--which
is, frankly, in other words, the desire so to impress by one's manner
that one will be welcome and respected wherever one chances to be. And
it is only by adhering to the fundamental laws of good society that
this social happiness can ever be attained.
In observing the established etiquette of modern society it is
necessary to pay particular attention to one's appearance, manner, and
speech. It must be remembered that the world is a harsh judge and is
perfectly willing to condemn us by outward appearances. In the
street-car, in the ball-room, at the theater--every day people are
reading the story of our characters and ideals.
Society has its own definite code of manners that must be observed
before one can enter its portals. There are certain rules that must be
followed before one can enter its envied circle. There are
conventionalities that must be observed in requesting a lady to dance,
in acknowledging an introduction, in using the knife and fork at the
dinner table. There are certain prevailing modes in dressing for the
theater and reception. To know and adhere to these laws is to be
admitted to the highest society and enjoy the company of the most
brilliant minds.
Etiquette is an art--the art of doing and saying the correct thing at
the correct time--the art of being able to hold oneself always in hand,
no matter how exacting the circumstance. And like music or painting or
writing, the more you study it, the more you apply yourself to its
principles, the more perfectly your own character is molded.
CONTROL OF THE IMPULSES
The cultured man is never angry, never impatient, never demonstrative.
His actions and speech are tempered with a dispassionate calmness and
tranquillity that the French admiringly call _sang froid_. He knows how
to control his emotions so effectively that no one can read, in his
self-possessed expression, whether he is angry or pleased, discouraged
or eager.
Perhaps the most striking and admirable thing about a man of breeding
is his carefully disciplined impulses. He may at times lose control of
himself, but he is never petulant, never incoherent. He may be greatly
enthusiastic about some unexpected happening, but he never becomes
excited, never loses control of his reasoning faculties. He never gives
the appearance of being in a hurry, no matter how swift his actions may
be--there is always about him the suggestion of leisure and poise.
Swearing is essentially vulgar. It was Dr. Crane, the famous essayist
and philosopher, who said in one of his delightful talks, "The superior
man is gentle. It is only the man with a defective vocabulary that
swears. All noise is waste. The silent sun is mightier than the
whirlwind. The genuine lady speaks low. The most striking
characteristic of the superior ones is their quiet, their poise. They
have about them a sense of the stars." Strong feeling, anger, have no
place in the social life.
We are all uneasy at times. We all have our embarrassing moments. But
the well-bred person knows how to conceal his emotions, and impulses,
so well that no one but himself knows that he is uneasy or embarrassed.
It is not only exceedingly unpleasant, but it is also very poor form to
show by our gestures and frowns and speech that we are annoyed by some
circumstance that is entirely beyond our control.
Impulsiveness is often the cause of serious breaches of
etiquette--breaches that are, socially speaking, the ruin of many a
rising young man, of many an otherwise charming young woman. The
gentleman never shows by hasty word or angry glance that he is
displeased with some service. The lady never shows, either in her
speech or manner, that she is excited with some unexpected happening,
or disappointed because something did not happen the way she planned
it. It is only by studying the rules of etiquette and knowing
absolutely what is right to do and say under all conditions that one
acquires this splendid self-possession and composure of manner.
REGARD FOR THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS
William De Witt Hyde, in his book, "Practical Ethics," says,
"Politeness is proper respect for human personality. Rudeness results
from thinking exclusively about ourselves and caring nothing for the
feelings of anybody else. The sincere desire to bring the greatest
pleasure and least pain to everyone we meet will go a long way towards
making our manners more polite and courteous."
The man or woman who is truly cultured, truly well-bred, tries to make
everyone happy and at ease. It is only the exceedingly vulgar person
who finds pleasure in hurting the feelings of the people with whom he
comes into contact. It makes no difference how wealthy or how poor a
person is, how ignorant or educated he happens to be--as a fellow-being
he is entitled to a hearty sympathy and respect. Both servility and
arrogance are ungentlemanly. Gentleness, simplicity and a sincere
regard for the rights of one's companions are the distinguishing marks
of a fine character.
THE DANGER OF INTOLERANCE
There is no room for intolerance in the social world. To be honored,
respected, one must have a certain friendliness of spirit. The
_gentleman_, the _lady_ treats everyone, from the lowliest beggar to
the most distinguished personage with consideration. It is only the
man who is unpretentious, who is always eager to please, who is as
courteous and considerate in manner to his inferiors as to his equals,
that fully deserves the name of gentleman.
The author recently chanced to witness an amusing incident which might
be of value to repeat here. It shows forcibly how important the little
things are, and how they reveal to the gaze of the world the true story
of our actual worth:
An elderly man, who showed quite obviously by his lordly and
self-satisfied manner that he was accustomed to travel about in his own
car, was on one occasion forced to ride home in the subway. It was rush
hour, and thousands of tired men and women were in a hurry to get home.
The man impatiently waited his turn on a long line at the ticket
office, constantly grumbling and making it disagreeable for those about
him. When he finally did reach the window, he offered a ten dollar bill
in payment for one five-cent ticket and deliberately remained at the
window counting and recounting his change while the people behind him
anxiously awaited their turn. When at last he did move away, he had a
half smile, half frown of smug and malicious satisfaction on his face
which, interpreted to the people he had kept waiting, said that he now
felt repaid for having had to travel in the same train with them.
This man, in spite of his self-satisfied manner and well-tailored suit,
was very far from being a gentleman. The shabby young man behind him,
who also offered a bill in payment for his ticket, but stepped quickly
to one side to count his change, and smiled cheerfully at the man
behind him, was infinitely more of a gentleman than the one who
maliciously, and with evident keen enjoyment, kept the long line
waiting.
The true worth of a gentleman is revealed, not in his fashionable
clothes or haughty demeanor, but in his regard for the rights of
others. It is the little kindnesses that count--and the instinctive
recognition of the rights of others. As England's inimitable J. M.
Barrie has so aptly remarked, "Those who bring sunshine to the lives of
others cannot keep it from themselves."
WHY IT PAYS TO BE AGREEABLE
Why should we know the laws of etiquette? Why should we know the way to
do and say things? Why should we be agreeable? These are questions that
will undoubtedly arise in the mind of the young man or woman who is
eager to cultivate and refine his or her manner and speech.
The answer is: to make one's own life happier--to bring into it a new
sunshine, a new joy of living that was not even dreamed of when the
mind and spirit were shrouded in the gloom of discourtesy, coarseness
and vulgarity.
For how can the boor be happy? With his gloomy face, sour disposition,
complaining habits and inherent lack of good taste and culture, he sees
only the shadows of life. People are repulsed by him, never attracted.
Brilliant men and women, people of refinement and taste, will have
nothing to do with him. He lives his own life--his ill-bred,
complaining, gloomy, companionless life--an outcast from that better
society of which we all long to be a part.
Culture and cheer go hand-in-hand. The cultured man or woman is always
cheerful, always finding something good and beautiful in all mankind
and nature. Cheerfulness itself means poise--a wholesome, happy,
undaunted poise that makes life well-balanced and worth the living. The
person of low, vulgar tastes and desires is seldom contented, seldom
happy. He finds everywhere evil, ugliness, selfishness, and a tendency
for the world generally to degrade itself to the lower levels of
coarseness. He finds it because he looks for it. And he looks for it
because it already exists in his mind.
And yet, he may be educated; he may be a recognized power in the
financial world; he may even possess enviable talents. But if he lacks
that glorious open-hearted generosity, that sincere sympathy and simple
understanding with all mankind, that helpful, healthful, ever-inspiring
agreeableness of mind and spirit--the world will have none of him.
The man who feels constantly grieved and injured at some injustice,
real or imaginary, is sacrificing some of the best things life has to
offer. He does not know what it means to be greeted with a smile of
pleasure and a warm handclasp. He does not know what it means to be
taken whole-heartedly into one's confidence, to be relied upon, to be
appealed to. He does not know what it means, in his hours of darkest
adversity, to receive the genuine sympathy and encouragement of a
friend.
But with culture, with development of mind and spirit, with the desire
to adhere truly to society's laws and regard as inviolable the rights
of others, there comes a new understanding of human relationship. Where
once everything seemed narrow and selfish, one now sees love and beauty
and helpfulness. Instead of harsh words and unkind glances, there are
words of cheer and encouragement, smiles of friendliness and
understanding. The world that once seemed coarse, shallow and
unpolished, seems now strangely cordial and polite.
THE SIMPLEST CULTURE
Yes, it pays to be agreeable. We are all like huge magnets, and we tend
to attract those things which we ourselves send out. If we are coarse
and unrefined, we attract to our company those people who are also
coarse and unrefined. If we are disagreeable and unmindful of the
rights of others, they in turn will be disagreeable to us, and
unmindful of our rights. And similarly, if we are kind and agreeable,
we are bound to meet and attract people of the same kind.
There is a pretty little story of a woman and a child, in which the
simple friendliness of a little girl opened the door for a woman whose
life had been embittered by much hardship and disappointment. She was
strolling one day through a mountain farm-house. She did not know where
she was going, and she did not care. She just wanted to forget, forget.
She stopped near a well and gazed angrily about her, wondering how
there could be so much peace and quiet in a world that held nothing but
turmoil and heartache for her. She was an attractive woman, and her
smart clothes and haughty bearing were a disappointing contrast to her
scowling face and angry eyes.
Suddenly she glanced down. A tiny girl was watching her intently--a
little girl who had lived all her seven short years in the untutored
expanse of the mountains. The woman was annoyed, and she did not
hesitate to show it.
"What are you looking at; what do you want?" she demanded irritably.
Instead of returning the frown, the child smiled and stepped a little
closer. "I was just thinking how pretty your face would be if it smiled
instead of frowned," she answered.
The woman's face relaxed. The bitter look in the eyes vanished and was
replaced by a bright new light. The scowl became a grateful smile, and
with an impulsive sob of pure joy, she knelt down and hugged the little
girl who had been the first in a long time to speak gently to her, the
first in a long time to return her frowns with sincere smiles of
friendliness. And when she finally left the little child, and returned
to the exacting conventionalities of the town, she was a nobler, better
and finer woman.
The simple heart of a child who knew no other creed or law than the
sincere love of all mankind triumphed over the bitterness of a woman
who had known years of education and worldliness.
Culture is of the heart and spirit rather than of the outward
appearance. But it is by what we do and say that we prove that it truly
exists within us.
CHAPTER II
ETIQUETTE'S REWARD
THE ORIGIN OF MANNERS
Why do we observe certain set rules of convention? Why do we greet
people in a certain ordained way--by nodding or by lifting the hat? Why
do we make introductions and send invitations and cultivate our manners
and speech? To find the answer we must trace civilization back to its
very source.
One of the first necessities of the savage was to devise some means of
showing savages of other tribes that he did not mean to fight--that he
wanted to live with them peaceably. At first it was difficult to do
this; primeval man was always suspicious, always watchful. He had to
be, for his life depended upon it. But slowly certain peaceful
observances and signs were established, and the savages began to
understand them as greetings of peace and good-will. The salutation and
greeting of to-day is a direct result of this early necessity.
This peace-greeting, as we shall call it, was the first semblance of
order, the first token of good fellowship that appeared out of the
primeval chaos of warfare and destruction. A certain greeting, and
things were on a peaceful basis. But let that greeting be forgotten,
and the savage's life was the forfeit.
Man developed, and with him developed civilization. From that first
"peace greeting" there came certain set salutations, certain forms of
homage that bound men together in mutual protection and friendliness.
Then slowly, out of this first beam of manners, this first bit of
restraint from the savagery of primeval man, there were created certain
ceremonies. Some were weird dances to the spirit of the Sun; others
were animal or human sacrifices to some God of Fear; still others were
strange ceremonies for the departed spirit of the dead. But they were
ceremonies--and as such they presaged the ceremonies upon which all
etiquette, all good manners, are based to-day.
We find that the history of manners keeps pace with the history and
evolution of man. And we find that manners, or ceremonies, or respect
for fellowmen--or whatever you want to call it--was the first tie that
bound men together. It is the foundation upon which all civilization is
built.
THE MANNERS OF TO-DAY
Certain sensible rules of etiquette have come down to us from one
generation to another. To-day only those that have stood the test of
time are respected and observed. They have been silently adopted by the
common consent of the best circles in America and Europe; and only
those who follow them faithfully can hope to be successful in business
and in social life.
There are some people who say that etiquette, that manners, are petty
shams that polish the surface with the gilt edge of hypocrisy. We all
know that a few people believe this. Who of us has not heard the
uncultured boor boast that he is not restricted by any "sissy manners"?
Who of us has not heard the successful business man decline an
invitation to a reception because he "had no time for such nonsense"?
To a great many people manners mean nothing but nonsense; but you will
find that they are almost invariably people who never win social or
business distinction.
The rules of etiquette as we observe them nowadays are not, as some
people suppose, the dictates of fashions. They are certain forms of
address, certain conduct of speech and manner, that have been brought
down to us through centuries of developing culture. And we observe them
to-day because they make contact in social life easier and more
agreeable; they make life more beautiful and impressive.
You do not have to observe the laws of good conduct if you do not wish
to. Certainly not. You may do just as you please, say just what you
please, and wear just what you please. But of course you must not
complain when you find the doors of good society closed against you,
when you find that people of good manners and correct social conduct
avoid you and bar you from their activities. Good manners is the only
key that will open the door to social success--and men and women often
find that it fits the door to business success as well.
GOOD SOCIETY IN AMERICA
Everyone loves to mingle with cultured, well-bred people; with
brilliant and celebrated individuals. Everyone loves to attend
elaborate social functions where the gay gowns of beautiful women are
only less charming and impressive than their faultless manners. But it
is not everyone who can be admitted to these inner portals of good
society.
It is a well-known truth that manners rather than wealth decide social
rank. A man may be fabulously wealthy, but if he does not know how to
act, how to dress and speak, he will not be respected. American society
has rules of its own, and those who are not willing to learn these laws
are shunned, banished. Etiquette is the wall which divides the cultured
from the uncultured, which keeps the ill-bred out of the circles where
they would be awkward and uncomfortable, and where they would
undoubtedly cause mortification to others.
On the other hand, to know these rules of good conduct is to be
admitted to the highest circles of society. To know that one is correct
banishes at once all uncertainty, all embarrassment. And one mingles
with perfectly-mannered people, calm in the assurance that one knows
just what is correct, and that no matter what happens one can do or say
nothing to reflect on one's breeding.
THE TRUE LADY AND GENTLEMAN
It is not enough to be wealthy. It is not enough to be widely famed.
But if one is well-mannered, if one knows how to conduct oneself with
poise, grace and self-confidence, one will win respect and honor no
matter where one chances to be.
There are very few men indeed who do not value good manners. They may
ridicule them, they may despise them--but deep down in their hearts
they know that good manners have a certain charm, a certain power, that
wealth and fame together do not possess. They know that right in their
own business spheres there are men who owe their success and position
to the appearance that they make, to the manner in which they conduct
themselves. And they know that there are beautiful women who are coldly
repellent; while some plain women win the hearts of everyone with whom
they come in contact, merely by the charm of their manners.
The perfect gentleman is not the dude, the over-dressed "dandy" who
disdains the workingman in his patched clothes and who sniffs
contemptuously at the word "work." The true gentleman is kindly,
courageous, civil. He is kind to everyone--to the tottering old man he
helps across the street, and to the mischievous young rascal who throws
a ball through his window. He does not know what it is to become angry,
to lose control of his temper, to speak discourteously. He never shows
that he is embarrassed or ill at ease. He is as calm and unconcerned in
the presence of a world-wide celebrity as he is when he is with his
most intimate friend. Nor is he ever bitter, haughty or arrogant. And
he is as far from being effeminate as he is from being coarse and
brutal. In short, he knows the manners of good society and he does not
hesitate to use them.
The perfect lady is not the ornamental butterfly of society, as so many
would have us believe. She is gentle, and well-dressed and
graceful--not merely ornamental. She does some useful work, no matter
what it is. She is patient always, and generous. She never speaks
harshly to tradespeople or to servants; gentleness and reserve are the
very keynotes of her manner. She is never haughty, never superior. She
is kind and courteous to everyone, and she conducts herself with the
calm, unassuming grace that instinctively wins a responsive respect. In
her manner towards men she is reserved, modest. But she is self-reliant
and not afraid to assert herself. Her speech and manner are
characterized always by dignity, repose and self-confidence.
It is only by knowing the laws of good conduct, and by following them
faithfully, that one can hope ever to become a true gentleman or true
lady.
THE SECRET OF SOCIAL SUCCESS
Every man who so wishes may become a gentleman, and every woman may
become a lady in every sense of the word. It requires only the
cultivation of those qualities outlined above. And it is here that the
use of etiquette lies, that the importance of good manners is most
strikingly portrayed.
Etiquette teaches you how to be gentle, calm, patient. It tells you how
to be at ease among strangers. It tells you how to cultivate grace,
poise, self-confidence. Not only does it tell you how, but it
_gives_ you poise and self-confidence. By teaching you the right
thing to do at the right time, it eliminates all possibility of
mistakes--and hence all embarrassment and awkwardness vanish.
The existence of these fixed social laws, these little rules of
etiquette, makes it easy for the man and woman who have not been bred
in the best society, to master the knowledge which will enable them to
enter that society and mingle with the most highly cultivated people
without feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable. It tears down the
barriers between the wealthy and the poor, between the educated and the
ignorant. By knowing what to do and say and write and wear on all
occasions, under all conditions, any man or woman can enter any society
and mingle with any people. The old proverb might well be changed to
read, "Culture makes the whole world kin!" Of course if a man suddenly
became wealthy and he wished to enter the highest society, his wealth
might serve as an opening. But he would soon find that money was not
enough--that he needed manners. He might mingle with society for years,
slowly acquiring the correct table manners, the correct mode of
address, the correct manner of making introductions, the correct way to
conduct himself at all times, in all places. But it would take many
years before the rough edges of his previous uncultivated manners were
rubbed away. Instead of waiting for years of contact with cultured
people to bring him the correct manners befitting a man of wealth, he
need only learn at once from a dependable authority the etiquette of
society, the good form that has been crystallized into rules after
years of social intercourse. It is the easiest road to social success.
WHAT MANNERS WILL DO FOR YOU
Every day you come into contact with people, with strangers, who judge
you by what you do and say. They go away carrying an impression of
you--and it depends upon your manners whether it is a good impression
or a bad impression.
It is a mistake to think that good manners are meant for the elaborate
ball room or for the formal dinner. Society is not necessarily too
formal or too "showy." Society implies also that society of fellow-men
you meet every day of the year--people you come into contact with in
the social and business worlds. And in order to make contact with these
people agreeable and pleasant, in order to win the admiration and
respect of strangers, in order to avoid embarrassment and humiliation
because of bad blunders at most conspicuous moments, it is essential to
know what is right and what is wrong.
Good manners will enable you to be easy and graceful at all times. You
will be able to mingle with the most cultured people and be perfectly
at ease. You will lose all self-consciousness, all timidity. And
instead you will become dignified, well-poised, calm. Instinctively
people will respect you; in business and in society you will find
yourself welcomed and admired.
ETIQUETTE'S REWARD
Etiquette is like the binding of a book--just as the binding reveals
the name of the book, and protects the valuable pages that are inside,
so does etiquette reveal the breeding and culture of an individual, and
protects him from the disrespect, ridicule and snubs of the world.
Etiquette will make you dignified. It will make your actions and speech
refined, polished, impressive. It will make you a leader instead of a
follower, a participant instead of a looker-on. It will open the doors
of the highest society to you, make you immune to all embarrassment,
enable you to conduct yourself with ease and confidence at all times,
under all circumstances.
The rewards of etiquette are too numerous to recount. If you follow the
laws of good conduct, if you do only what is right and in good form,
you will find yourself an acknowledged leader, an acknowledged success,
no matter in what station of life you may be. The world is quick to
perceive good manners, just as it is quick to perceive the blunders in
etiquette. If you study the rules of good conduct, and follow good form
in everything you do and say, you will become courteous and kind and
well-mannered. Etiquette will attract people to you, make you and your
home a center of social activity. But most of all, it will make you
respect yourself. And that is more important than riches or fame--for
self-respect is the only thing that brings true happiness.
Remember the words of the prophet, "He who respects himself will earn
the respect of all the world."
CHAPTER III
ENGAGEMENTS
OF SPECIAL IMPORTANCE
There is perhaps no time when the rules of etiquette need to be so
strictly observed as during the period of courtship. All the world
loves a lover--but this does not keep the world from watching closely
and criticizing severely any breach of good manners, especially on the
part of the young lady.
Any public display of affection anywhere at any time is grossly
unrefined. Love is sacred, and it should not be thrown open to the rude
comments of strangers. The young couple should conduct themselves with
quiet dignity and reserve, neither indulging in terms of endearment or
caresses, nor purposely ignoring each other so as to create the
impression that they are not, after all, so very much in love. There is
no reason why their conduct in public after they are engaged should be
any more demonstrative than it was before.
At parties, dinners, and other entertainments it is their privilege to
be with each other more than they are with anyone else, but this does
not mean that they should neglect the other guests. If the occasion has
been planned especially for them they are in part responsible for each
one present finding it an enjoyable one. And each one should be very
cordial to the friends of the other.
Many an engagement that held promise of golden happiness to come was
abruptly broken because one or the other was not sufficiently
circumspect in conduct. A young lady must remember that while she is
not exactly expected to give up indiscriminately all her friends of the
opposite sex, she must not receive them as guests, or go to the theater
or ball with them, without the knowledge and consent of her fiancé. He
is, of course, expected to be equally considerate of her with regard to
his own relations with other women.
The engaged couple of to-day enjoys much greater freedom than the
engaged couple of our grandmothers' time. The chaperon has been almost
entirely dispensed with, except in a few individual cases. Although it
is still considered rather poor form to attend the theater or opera
together, without other friends in the party, it is often done without
any very serious consequence to the young people. Perhaps it is because
the young men and women of this country have that instinctive grace and
dignity of manner that the severe laws of conduct practiced abroad have
been deemed unnecessary.
THE PROPOSAL
At one time, not so very long ago, it was considered an irrevocable law
of etiquette that a young man obtain the formal consent of a young
lady's parents before asking her hand in marriage. Prevalent customs
have almost eliminated this formality, and modern mothers and fathers,
by the welcome which they accord him in their home, show a young man
whether or not they think him eligible for their daughter's hand. And
it is really a much wiser plan to object to a friendship when it first
begins instead of waiting until it has developed into something more
serious. If the young man wishes to proceed upon the old-fashioned
formula he may do so, first assuring himself insofar as he is able that
his attentions are welcome to the young lady.
The time for the proposal depends upon attending circumstances. Someone
has said that there would be fewer divorces if more proposals were made
in the middle of the day under ordinary conditions, but the timid or
romantic youth usually prefers the witchery of moonlight and the magic
of solitude. The proposal itself should be sincere and earnest. Glowing
terms and impassioned emotion are, indeed, very bad taste; and often
the more simple a proposal is the more forcibly it expresses the
suitor's ardor.
If he is accepted the well-bred young man will immediately seek the
young lady's parents and impart the happy news to them. At this point,
if it has not already been disclosed it is customary for him to reveal
his true status, financially and socially, and answer politely any
questions that her parents may ask him. If there are dissensions he
must explain calmly and carefully, making sure all the time to keep
complete control of his feelings and not to allow himself to become
either angry or impatient.
THE ENGAGEMENT RING
It is the custom to seal the engagement pact with a ring. As soon as
the prospective bridegroom has won the consent of the young lady whom
he wishes to be his wife, he places the engagement ring on the third
finger of her left hand. The convention is that the ring be a diamond
solitaire set in gold or platinum, or, if it is preferred, a diamond
set with other stones. It is always wise to consult the individual
preference of the young lady in determining the choice of the ring, and
it is her privilege to choose whatever kind she wants regardless of
tradition or convention.
ANNOUNCING THE ENGAGEMENT
After the proposal has been accepted announcement of the fact is made,
and it is here that the young lady takes the leading part.
There are several established conventions in announcing the engagement.
Each one is good form, and the choice is merely a matter of taste and
convenience. But always the initiative must come from the family of the
future bride. The young man must not even announce the engagement to
his best friends until he is quite sure that his fiancé has already
made it known to her friends.
It has always been a popular custom in better society to give the
announcement of an engagement as nearly an appearance of "leaking out"
as possible. Perhaps it is because it adds to the interest of the
occasion. To obtain this effect, a number of intimate friends and
relatives are invited to a dinner party--really the engagement
dinner--where, in the course of the conversation, the news of the
engagement is casually imparted to the guests for the first time. It is
usually announced by the father of the young lady; sometimes by her
older brother, and in some cases by her mother.
The guests, of course, will offer warm and sincere congratulations. The
happy couple mingle among their guests and receive their good wishes
with modesty and smiles of thanks.
Sometimes the young lady gives a luncheon for her friends, at which the
announcement is made. It is always very pretty to make the announcement
in some novel way, and if the hostess does not find her own ingenuity
equal to it she will find her stationer her best guide. He has various
novelty cards, etc., specially designed for such occasions.
Often, instead of formally announcing the engagement, the young lady
gives the news to several of her closest friends, depending on them to
spread it among their friends and acquaintances. This manner of
announcement is usually followed with a little informal reception, to
which are invited the members of the prospective bridegroom's family
and the relatives of both families.
THE MOST USUAL METHOD
Perhaps the best way to announce an engagement is for the young lady
and her mother to send small engraved cards to their circle of friends
and relatives, making the announcement in a simple statement, and
mentioning an afternoon when they will be "at home" to visitors. The
young man may also send notes or cards to his friends, having first
made sure that his fiancé has already announced it to her friends. The
"at home" offers a splendid opportunity for each one to meet the
friends of the other, and for the families of the two young people to
become better acquainted. Care must be taken that there is no
constraint, no drifting into "circles." The young lady must welcome her
future husband's friends with sincere cordiality, and see that they are
properly introduced to her own friends. He must mingle with her friends
and make himself companionable and agreeable. To be constantly
together, selfishly enjoying each other's company while the neglected
guests are left to their own devices is a breach of etiquette and must
be conscientiously avoided if the "at home" is to be hailed a success.
If this last method of announcing the engagement is decided upon, the
home should boast no decorations except flowers simply arranged. The
young lady and her mother, in conservative afternoon frocks, receive
together. The young man is usually presented to the guests by his
future father-in-law. Entertainment, such as music and dancing, may be
provided for the occasion if it is convenient. Simple refreshments may
be served--dainty sandwiches, cake, tea and sweets are appropriate when
served in an attractive manner.
It is also customary to place an announcement in the society columns of
the newspapers simultaneously with the giving of the dinner party. It
should always be written by the parents about their daughter, or by the
guardian if she has no parents--never by the engaged girl herself.
ANNOUNCING AN ENGAGEMENT IN THE NEWSPAPERS
The vogue to-day seems to favor announcing engagements in the newspaper
rather than through the issuing of announcement cards. Such items of
announcement should be sent to the society editor of the paper
selected, and should be signed with the full name and address of the
sender. Brief items are always better than long ones.
Here are two typical newspaper announcements of recent engagements:
_"Mr. and Mrs. Henry M. Bower announce the engagement of their
daughter Rose to Mr. Walter Barrie of Boston. The date of the
wedding will be announced in this paper later."_
_"The engagement of Miss Lillian Hall to Mr. Robert G. Manning is
announced by Mr. and Mrs. John B. Hall. The wedding is to take
place in St. Thomas's Church on the 15th of June."_
ENGAGEMENT GIFTS
It is not customary for elaborate engagement gifts to be presented,
even by near relatives. In fact, the mode of the engagement gift has
been gradually disappearing until to-day congratulations are considered
sufficient. However, the close friends of the young lady may send her,
with their congratulations, pleasing bits of chinaware, glassware, and
sometimes even silver. Odd pieces of bric-à-brac and quaint, unusual
gifts, and antiques are always acceptable. Markings on gifts are
usually in the maiden name of the bride--but if any doubt is felt as to
which she herself would prefer, it is best to ask her.
There is an old tradition regarding the giving of tea-cups as an
engagement present. A lover, who was obliged to go away on an extended
sea journey, gave to his betrothed a delicate china cup, asking her to
drink tea from it every afternoon. He said, "If I am unfaithful, the
cup will fill to overbrimming and the tea pouring over the sides will
crack the thin china. Then you will know I have broken faith." The
custom has been brought down to us, and now we find that the giving of
a tea-cup or a tea-set as an engagement present signifies
faithfulness--and it may mean faithfulness to friendship or love as the
case may be. We usually find that a young lady's spinster friends are
partial to the custom; they seem to find particular enjoyment in
presenting her with dainty tea-cups, either separately or in sets.
Expensive gifts should never be exchanged during an engagement, barring
of course the engagement ring. The young man may present his
prospective bride with books, flowers or candy, but articles of wearing
apparel are considered bad taste.
To be modest, gracious, dignified during the engagement, to continue
one's social duties faithfully, neither neglecting one's friends nor
becoming self-consciously enthusiastic, to be self-possessed and
unaffected even while one is the center of much lively interest and
animated discussion--this is the end to be desired, and the young man
and woman who have accomplished it are indeed fortunate.
BRIDAL SHOWERS
A good many years ago a friend of a young woman who was about to be
married decided that the only gift she could afford was too slight an
offering to express the love and good wishes that she felt. Knowing
that there were other friends who felt the same way she called them
together and suggested that they present their gifts at the same time.
Then and there the idea of the "shower" was born.
The custom has prevailed and in most instances to-day the shower has a
special purpose, such as the linen shower or the kitchen shower or the
book shower. It is a very charming way of presenting gifts that would
seem too trifling if they were presented alone.
Intimate friends of the bride are the guests at a shower. It is usually
a very informal affair and nearly always a surprise to the bride. The
gifts may be hidden in a Jack Horner pie, they may be wrapped in all
sorts of odd packages, or they may be presented in any of a hundred and
one attractive ways. Originality in this, as in all entertainments, is
greatly to be desired.
The young lady who is honored with a shower thanks the guests verbally,
and afterwards she may write each of them a little note expressing her
gratitude. It is necessary to do so if the affair was an elaborate one
and the gifts were expensive.
LENGTH OF THE ENGAGEMENT
The question of how long an engagement should last is usually governed
by attendant conditions. There is, however, a marked tendency for
engagements to be short; in fact, fashion now demands that the
wedding-day be at least tentatively fixed before the engagement is
announced.
Many times there are excellent reasons why it should be of several
years' duration. It is best not to announce the fact formally, though
it may be understood among one's friends. Matters of this kind are to
be determined by the two people who are most concerned, and if a young
man and his fiancé have decided that they would like to have a long
engagement the rules of etiquette have nothing to say against it.
RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WEDDING
The father and mother of the young lady who is about to be married
assume all responsibility for the preparation for and the celebration
of the wedding. The groom is not expected to pay for anything except
the ring and flowers for the bride and, if he wishes, the flowers for
the bridesmaids and trifling gifts for the ushers and other attendants.
The clergyman's fee also devolves upon him, but all other expenses are
paid by the bride's parents or guardians. Indeed, it would indicate a
great lack of tact or delicacy on the part of the groom to offer to
provide a part of the trousseau or to pay for any of the other expenses
incidental to the occasion.
Announcement cards, invitations, music, flowers and other decorations
for the church, the preparations for the breakfast or reception to
follow the ceremony--all of these are paid for by her parents. The
wedding should never be more elaborate than the parents of the bride
can afford.
FAMILIES AND FRIENDS
It is always very delightful when the families of an engaged couple
find themselves congenial, and every effort should be made by the young
people to bring about, if it does not already exist, a harmonious
relationship between their immediate families. It is almost equally
desirable that each shall like the friends of the other and heroic
efforts must be made to do so. A pleasing way to bring friends together
is by means of an informal reception. The invitations should be cordial
notes written by hand. The following indicates the usual form:
_Bayside, April 4, 19--_
_Dear May:_
_No doubt you already know that I am engaged to be married to
Ralph Curran. Thursday afternoon from three to five mother is
giving a little reception for his friends and mine, and we both
hope that you will be able to attend._
_Cordially yours,_
_Helen Hall._
For the members of the immediate families or for very close friends a
dinner is suggested but the most important point for the family which
is doing the entertaining to keep in mind is the style of living to
which the other has been accustomed, and nothing should be done which
might embarrass them. If the family has been accustomed to great
elegance the one that is acting as host need have no fear for people
who are worth knowing appreciate simplicity wherever they find it; but
if they are in very moderate circumstances it is the cruellest kind of
discourtesy to attempt to overawe them with ceremonious hospitality.
It is ordinarily the family of the groom that is first to approach the
other with an invitation of some kind, but extenuating circumstances
make the convention vary. Often a young girl is invited to visit in the
home of her fiancé before her marriage. It is an invitation which she
may accept with perfect propriety.
CHAPTER IV
WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS
THE WEDDING INVITATION
Not later than fifteen days, and not earlier than four weeks before the
date set for the marriage, wedding invitations are sent to those
friends, relatives and acquaintances who are to be present at the
ceremony. When the wedding is to be a large church affair, invitations
are sent to all those whose names appear on the visiting lists of the
two families. They are also issued to relatives and friends of the
bride and groom who may be traveling abroad, to the important business
associates of the groom, and those of the bride's father. Intimate
friends and relatives in mourning are also invited, whether they are
expected to attend or not.
For a home wedding, more discrimination is shown in the issuing of
invitations. Intimate friends and relatives of both families are
invited, but no casual acquaintances. In sending out the invitations,
the bride-to-be and her mother should take into consideration the
number of people who will fit comfortably into the reception or drawing
room.
SIZE AND MATERIAL
Formal wedding invitations should always be engraved. They are issued
in the name of the bride's parents, or, if she is an orphan, in the
names of a married brother and his wife, of her guardian or her nearest
male relative.
Pure white or cream-tinted paper, unglazed but smooth in surface,
should be used for wedding invitations. A conventional size, although
each year sees another size in wedding invitations, is seven inches in
length by six inches in width. These dimensions vary, but never more
than an inch or so. They fold once into the envelope. Plain script is
favored for the engraving of the wedding cards; old English script,
Roman capitals and block lettering are all effective. A good stationer
will show you the types of lettering most suited to wedding invitations
at the present time. It is his business to be able to advise you.
If there is a family crest (the bride's family) it may be embossed in
white in the center at the top of the engraved sheet, but not on the
flap of the envelope. A recent fashion is to have the bride's initials
embossed in white where the crest would appear. Both are effective; but
such decorations as gilt-edges, entwined letters of coats-of-arms in
colors are in bad taste.
Very fine paper should be selected for the wedding invitation. No tint
except cream may be used; pure-white is considered the very best form.
The paper should be of medium weight, unglazed, and smooth.
Light-weight paper through which lettering can be easily seen should
not be used. Nor should the paper be so thick and heavy that it breaks
when folded.
KINDS OF ENVELOPES
The wedding invitation demands two envelopes. The first, matching in
texture and quality the paper of the invitation, is used as a
protection for the card. It remains unsealed. The second envelope is a
trifle larger, though it must also be of a similar texture. Into this
envelope the card and the inner envelope are slipped for mailing.
The large envelope is sealed and stamped. It bears the complete name
and address of the person for whom it is intended, while the inner
envelope bears only the name. The church cards are enclosed with the
wedding invitation if there is necessity for them. And if there is to
be a wedding reception to which this particular guest is invited, a
special card is also enclosed. The "at home" cards of the bridal couple
are sent separately after the wedding.
ADDRESSING THE ENVELOPES
The wedding invitation is addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Blank. The
expression "and family" following the name of a husband and wife is not
used in polite society. If there are unmarried daughters to be invited,
a separate invitation is addressed to "The Misses Blank." Sons may be
invited either by sending a separate invitation to each one, or
addressing one invitation to "The Messrs. Blank." All these
invitations, in their proper envelopes, addressed appropriately, are
placed in the large envelope for mailing. This single envelope is
addressed in full to the matron of the family, "Mrs. Henry Mason
Blank."
INVITATION TO CHURCH WEDDING
The invitation to a church wedding is worded with a bit more formality
than the invitation to the home ceremony. It is sent out two or three
weeks before the day set for the wedding. The church wedding invitation
requires no written acknowledgment, except in those rare cases when
there is a request for it. Instead of the initials, R.S.V.P., it is
better form to say simply, "Please reply." Invitations for the home
wedding, of course, require prompt acknowledgment.
Following are two forms of church wedding invitations which may be
used:
_Mr. and Mrs. John Grey Taylor
request the honor of
.............................
presence at the marriage of their daughter
Helen Marie
with
Mr. Raymond Mitchell
on Thursday, the ninth of May
at four o'clock
St. Thomas's Church
New York_
_Mr. and Mrs. John Grey Taylor
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Helen Marie
and
Mr. Raymond Mitchell
on Friday, the fourth of June
at six o'clock
at the Presbyterian Church
Boston_
In the first invitation, the name of the guest is written by hand in
the space left for that purpose. The use of "marriage and" and
"marriage with" is now customary in preference to "marriage to." All
three words are in good form, however, and any one of them may be used.
Below is a model engraved admission card, used when the church wedding
is to be a large one and tickets of admission are necessary. The
correct size is denoted:
_PLEASE PRESENT THIS CARD
at St. Michael's Church
on Monday, the fifth of May_
INVITATIONS TO HOME WEDDING
For the home wedding, invitations are engraved as for the church
wedding, but for the phrase "request the honor of your presence" the
phrase "request the pleasure of your company" is substituted, though
"honor" may be used in place of "pleasure" if one prefers.
As in the case of the church wedding, a space may be left for the name
of the guest to be filled in, or the form that follows may be used:
_Mr. and Mrs. Robert Guy Brown
request the pleasure of your company
at the marriage of their daughter
Helen Rose
and
Mr. Henry Van Buren
on Tuesday afternoon, June the first
at four o'clock
Twenty-two West End Avenue_
When the wedding takes place in the country, or a guest at a great
distance is invited, a small card like the one following is generally
included:
_Train leaves Grand Central Station
for Glenville at 11:42 A.M._
_Returning train leaves Glenville
for New York at 6:10 P.M._
Wealthy people often place a special train at the disposal of special
city friends whose presence is eagerly desired at the wedding. A card,
like the one following, is enclosed with the invitation, and it serves
as a pass, entitling the bearer to a seat in the reserved train. Here
is the form most generally used:
_The special train leaves
Grand Central Station for Glenville
at 11:42 A.M.
Leaves Glenville for Grand Central Station
at 6:10 P.M.
Please present this card at station door_
WEDDING IN A FRIEND'S HOME
Sometimes, either because of convenience or personal preference,
arrangements are made to have a wedding take place at the home of a
friend or relative. The following wording is suggested as the correct
form for the invitation:
_The pleasure of your company is requested
at the marriage of
Miss Marian Benson Joyce
to
Mr. John H. Brown
on Monday, the fifth of June
at twelve o'clock
at the residence of
Mr. and Mrs. Herbert Smith Hopkins
Eighteen Johns Street_
WHEN CARDS ARE ENCLOSED
When a church wedding is followed by a reception or breakfast, special
engraved cards are enclosed with the invitations to those guests whose
presence is desired. It may be a very small card, inscribed merely with
these words:
_Reception
from four o'clock
Forty-six Lafayette Street_
For the wedding breakfast a card of this kind is usually enclosed:
_Mr. and Mrs. John Hay
request the pleasure of
.....................
company, at breakfast
on Thursday, the fifth of May
at twelve o'clock_
INVITATIONS TO SECOND MARRIAGES
The second wedding invitation of a widow should be issued in the name
of her parents or nearest living relatives. She uses her own first name
with the surname of the deceased husband. Here is the correct form:
_Mr. and Mrs. Robbert Manning
request the honor of your presence
at their marriage of their daughter
Mrs. May Ellis Bruce
to
Mr. Stanley Kenworth
on Monday, September the fifth
at six o'clock
St. Paul Chapel_
It may be that the woman who is to be married for the second time has
no near relatives to serve as hosts for her. Her invitations may be
like this:
_The honor of your presence is requested
at the marriage of
Mrs. Helen Roy Chadwick
and
Mr. Bruce Kenneth
on Wednesday, August the tenth
at four o'clock
Church of the Redeemer_
Announcement cards are sent after a wedding if there were no
invitations issued. They are often sent instead of invitations to
friends who live at too great a distance to be present at the ceremony.
They require no acknowledgment though it is customary to send either a
note expressing good wishes or a gift of some kind. If one lives in the
same community one should call on the bride's mother, and if the
bride's card in inclosed, on the bride herself shortly after she
returns from the honeymoon. This is the usual form for the announcement
card:
_Mr. and Mrs. Roger Smith
announce the marriage of their daughter
Rose Madeline
to
Mr. Frank Breckenridge
on Thursday, April the first
one thousand nine hundred and twenty-one_
In case of a second marriage of the bride, the announcement card reads
in this manner:
_Mr. Robert G. Gainsworth
and
Mrs. Herbert Gaylord Smith
announce their marriage
on Thursday, August the Eleventh
one thousand nine hundred and twenty-one_
The bride uses the announcement above only when she is a widow. A
divorcée uses her own first and second names, with the surname of the
divorced husband.
The announcement card is engraved on sheets of white paper similar in
size and texture to those used for the invitation. It is posted on the
day of the wedding. The forms given above may be modified by adding the
name of the Church in which the ceremony was held, or the home address
of the bride if it was a home wedding.
With the wedding invitation or the announcement card the "at home" card
of the bride may be included, giving the date of her return from the
honeymoon and her future address. Thus:
_Mr. and Mrs. K. N. Littleton
At Home in Forest Hills
After the eighteenth of August_
INVITATION TO WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
Unlike the wedding invitation, that of the anniversary may display some
delicate, unostentatious design significant of the occasion. It is
engraved on sheets or cards which may display the entwined initials of
husband and wife, and the year of the marriage and wedding anniversary.
For a silver wedding, the engraving may be done in silver, and gold
lettering is permissible for the fifty-year anniversary. The two most
approved forms for the anniversary invitations are given below:
_1875 1900
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Guy Ascher
At Home
Wednesday evening, May third
after eight o'clock
Thirty-two Pine Street_
_1863 1913
Mr. and Mrs. Henry Guy Ascher
request the pleasure of your company
on the Fiftieth Anniversary
of their marriage
on Thursday, June the third
at eight o'clock
Thirty-two Pine Street_
INFORMAL WEDDING INVITATION
When a recent death in the family, or when personal preference results
in a so-called "quiet" wedding, when only the immediate family and very
close friends are invited, a short note written either by the
bride-to-be or her mother, is the only invitation. Following is a note
of this kind from the bride-elect to her friend--and immediately below
it the correct form of acknowledgment:
_Dear Janet:_
_Two weeks from Monday, on the ninth of September, Mr. Brill and
I are to be married. We are asking only a few of our most intimate
friends to be present, and would be very glad to have you among
them. The ceremony will take place at four o'clock._
_With kindest regards, I am_
_Sincerely yours,_
_Harriet B. Howe._
_Dear Harriet:_
_I shall be delighted to attend your wedding on September ninth,
at four o'clock._
_With cordial good wishes to you and Mr. Brill, I am_
_Sincerely yours,_
_Janet B. Robbins._
ACKNOWLEDGING THE FORMAL WEDDING INVITATION
When a breakfast or reception card is included, a response must be made
promptly. The form of the invitation should be followed as nearly as
possible. It is written on the first page of a sheet of social note
paper, and addressed to the parents or guardians of the bride. Here is
the form used for acceptance:
_Mr. and Mrs. John Mortimer
accept with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. Henry B. Fletcher's
kind invitation to be present at the
marriage of their daughter
Helen Marie
to
Mr. Thomas Wolcott
on Tuesday, the seventh of May
at twelve o'clock
and afterward at the wedding breakfast_
Regrets are usually worded in this manner, following closely the
invitation. The reason for non-attendance may or may not be given:
_Mr. and Mrs. John Mortimer
exceedingly regret that they
are unable to accept
Mr. and Mrs. Fletcher's
kind invitation to be present at the
marriage of their daughter
Helen Marie
to
Mr. Thomas Wolcott
on Tuesday, the seventh of May
at twelve o'clock
and afterward at the wedding breakfast_
In the fourth line of the first acknowledgment above the two last words
"at the" may be prefixed to the fifth line; the same holds true of the
fifth line of the second acknowledgment. A good stationer will be able
to give you the exact prevalent vogue in this matter.
WHOM TO INVITE
It is necessary for the young man and woman who are about to be married
to make out their list of those to whom invitations are to be sent
together. If the wedding is to be a large affair, not only their
friends but the friends of their parents as well, and business
acquaintances of both families should be invited. Relatives and friends
in mourning should be invited but no resentment should be felt if they
do not attend. If the wedding is a small one great care should be taken
lest the guests are so numerous as to overcrowd the church or home.
Especially is this true of the home where the space is usually more
circumscribed.
SENDING THE INVITATIONS
All invitations should come from the home of the bride, even those that
are for the personal friends of her husband even if they are unknown to
the bride. They should be mailed from one month to two weeks or ten
days before the day set for the wedding. If the bride is an orphan they
are sent in the name of her nearest relative. If there is an older
brother they may be issued in his name, but never in the name of a
sister unless she is a great deal older than the bride or is herself a
married woman. If the bride has lost one parent and the other has
remarried she may use her own judgment as to whether to send the
invitation in the name of her parent or in the names of them both. The
latter is usually preferred, as a matter of consideration toward the
step-parent.
RECALLING THE WEDDING INVITATION
A sudden death in the family, illness, accident, or other serious
happening, warrants the recall of wedding invitations. The parents of
the bride should immediately notify guests of the postponement of the
wedding, by issuing printed cards. A good size for these cards is three
and a quarter inches in length by one and one-quarter inches in width.
The text is usually worded in this manner:
_Owing to the sudden death of Mr. Henry
Robert's father, Mr. and Mrs. James Curtis
are compelled to recall the invitations for
their daughter's wedding on Thursday, February
the fourth._
or
_Mr. and Mrs. James Curtis beg to recall
the invitations issued for the marriage of
their daughter, Grace Helen, and Mr. Henry
Roberts, on Thursday, February the fourth._
BREAKING AN ENGAGEMENT
A broken engagement is always embarrassing for both the young man and
the young lady. Friends, if they are truly well-bred, will not ask
questions, and relatives will not demand explanations. The obligations
which such a situation entails are unpleasant, but it is infinitely
better to go through the ordeal than to face a marriage which is
certain to end in disaster.
At such a time it is important for the young lady to have the utmost
dignity and self-possession. She is not expected to make any
announcement or offer any explanations. If a reception has been
scheduled, her mother sends brief notes or engraved cards to those who
have been invited, informing them that the engagement has been broken.
The young lady, if she wishes, may confide in her intimate friends; but
to be bitter, to condemn her former suitor in any way, to suggest that
perhaps he was not all that she thought he was at first, not only
reflects on her own good judgment, but is very poor form and shows lack
of delicacy.
If the announcement of the engagement has been made in the papers such
a notice as this might be inserted in the name of the person or persons
who first made the announcement:
_Mr. and Mrs. C. D. Simmons announce
that by mutual consent the engagement
between their daughter Agnes and George
Francis Richards is at an end._
If invitations have been sent out a similar announcement may be
dispatched to each intended guest. These should be engraved on white
cards of the size recommended by the stationer.
If the engagement was announced only to intimate friends the bride
should send each of them a note stating that the engagement is at
an end. It is much better _never_ to give an explanation. Such
occasions as this must have given rise to the proverb, "Least said,
soonest mended." Even to the bride's dearest friend the following note
is sufficient:
_Bellevue, June 1, 19--_
_Dear Ruth:_
_Since I wrote you last week something has happened which has
made George and me reconsider our engagement. You will therefore
please disregard the invitation for Thursday afternoon._
_Ever sincerely yours,_
_Margaret Franklin._
RETURNING GIFTS
When an engagement is broken off the young people return all expensive
gifts and all letters that have passed between them. The young lady
always, of course, returns the engagement ring.
If wedding presents have been received from friends these also must be
returned with a brief note explaining that the wedding is not to take
place. It is necessary to thank the donor as warmly as if nothing had
happened.
It takes a great deal of courage to face the situation bravely and to
go through it without a sacrifice of dignity. One thing must be
remembered: _Don't be afraid of what people will say._ It is not
their happiness which is at stake.
WHEN DEATH INTERVENES
Often a death in the family occurs when preparations are under way for
a wedding. If the death is that of a parent or very dear relative the
wedding should be postponed, if circumstances permit, as a mark of
respect and sincere sorrow for the deceased. But if the wedding must
take place as scheduled, or even two or three months after the death,
good taste and delicacy demand that it shall be quiet and simple, with
only a few near relatives and friends present.
If the ceremony is performed in church there should be no garlands of
gay flowers to strike a festive note. A bit of fern or other green
foliage here and there is sufficient decoration. The bride may have one
bridesmaid and a maid of honor--but an elaborate bridal train is
considered poor taste within six months of a dearly beloved one's
death. The ceremony itself is dispatched with expedience and rapidity,
yet without any semblance whatever of haste.
Whether it is held in church or at home, the wedding during the period
of mourning is characterized by a solemn simplicity that has none of
the triumphant joyousness of the elaborate wedding. And still the
occasion sacrifices none of its happiness, for sorrow brings to human
nature the same mellow sweetness that the flight of time brings to
untasted wine.
To pay fitting reverence to the dead, weddings and receptions of all
kinds should be postponed. But if circumstances decree that they shall
take place, then the occasion may be marked by so quiet and
unpretentious a ceremony that the respect due the deceased is in no way
violated.
CHAPTER V
WEDDINGS
THE CHURCH WEDDING
The bride and groom decide between them the church where they wish the
wedding to take place and the clergyman whom they wish to officiate.
When there is no religious difference between the couple the matter is
a very simple one and the church which the bride's family regularly
attends is the one chosen, but when he is of one faith and she of
another it may assume serious proportions. If neither is inclined to
yield gracefully the laws of etiquette decree that the groom should
give in, not only because chivalry demands it but also because the
wedding day by right and tradition belongs primarily to the bride.
The church should be decorated for the occasion but not with great
elaboration. Palms, ferns, and smilax, roses, lilies and other flowers
are appropriate. Ribbon also may be used effectively. White streamers
are sometimes used to mark off the seats which are to be occupied by
the relatives and intimate friends of the bride and groom, but there
are many people who do not like to indicate so definitely the lines of
demarcation among their guests.
Extravagance in any of the appointments of the wedding are in extremely
bad taste. It is sometimes well to remember the delightful logic of the
old lady who said that she did not dress better than she could afford
to at home because everybody knew her and there was no use trying to
impress them; and she did not dress better than she could afford when
she went to the city because nobody knew her and it did not make any
difference whether she impressed them or not. No set form of decoration
can be given, but magnificent ornamentation is out of place in a simple
chapel or church, and in every place profusion beyond one's means is
not only ill-bred but foolish.
ATTENDANTS
Among the Anglo-Saxons the custom of an impressive escort for the bride
had its origin. To-day it is a matter of choice, and the bride may have
as many or as few as she pleases. Her maid of honor is usually her
sister or her best friend and her bridesmaids are chosen from among
those who are dearest to her. The groom chooses the best man and the
bride and groom together select the ushers.
THE BRIDESMAIDS
Although the number of bridesmaids is entirely a matter of choice, it
is the fashion at an elaborate church wedding to have not less than
five nor more than ten. A maid or matron of honor, two little pages or
flower girls, and, if it is desired, a third child to bear the cushion
to the altar, completes the bridal train.
The bevy of bridesmaids consists of the bride's dearest friends. If she
has sisters, one of them, as well as one of the bridegroom's sisters,
must be included in her escort. For maid or matron of honor, the bride
selects a sister or intimate friend.
It is sometimes customary for the bride to provide the dresses of her
bridesmaids. This, however, is dependent upon circumstances and
conditions, and is not really essential. It is important, though, that
the bride visit each bridesmaid personally and request her services at
the wedding, unless she lives at some distance.
The bride, if the wedding is to be an elaborate one, may suggest to the
bridesmaids the kind of gowns she would like them to wear. The young
ladies may be trusted to follow her wishes implicitly. No one would
willingly mar a friend's wedding by appearing in a gown that does not
agree with the general plan. The gowns need not be identical; but the
colors must be the same, or at least harmonize. Light shades are always
the fashion for bridesmaids. White, of course, for the bride.
The bridesmaids should be invited many weeks before the wedding so that
they will have ample time for preparation. Nearly always the dress has
to be made, and this takes time.
It is customary for the bridesmaids to be dressed alike or very nearly
alike. The custom had its origin in primitive times when evil spirits
were supposed to attend wedding ceremonies and the bride and groom were
surrounded by friends of their own age and sex dressed similarly so
that the spirits could not single out the happy couple for their evil
designs. It is a far cry from that time to this, and the only reason
why the bridesmaids are dressed similarly now is because the effect is
so much prettier than could be attained by a miscellaneous array of
gowns, however beautiful each one in itself might be.
They carry flowers, either cut flowers or bouquets, but their bouquets
are never so elaborate as that carried by the bride. Usually they wear
a bit of jewelry which was presented by the groom. This, too, is a
curious survival of primitive marriage customs when the groom had to
capture the bride, and because she was fleet-footed and wild (or
perhaps because he was lazy), bribed her friends to lure her to the
place where he was waiting.
REHEARSALS
Elaborate weddings should always be rehearsed at least once beforehand.
In arranging these rehearsals the bride must have in mind the
convenience of her attendants, and by consulting them, should settle
upon a time that will be agreeable for the majority. The requests for
one's presence at a rehearsal may be made verbally or by notes.
Refreshments are usually served afterward at the home of the bride.
She must arrange for the opening of the church, and she should provide
a way for the young ladies who are at some distance to get there. The
details of the ceremony should be practiced until the whole thing can
be accomplished with ease and grace. Every possible effort must be made
to eliminate a stilted and wooden effect on the actual day of the
wedding.
REGARDING THE USHERS
At the rehearsal they should receive careful instructions (usually from
the clergyman), as a large part of the smoothness and charm of the
wedding ceremony depends upon their knowledge of the right thing to do
at the right time.
On the day of the wedding, they must be at the church at least an hour
before the scheduled time for the ceremony. It is part of their duty to
welcome the guests and escort them to their seats. An old custom was
for the usher to offer his right arm to a lady, and although it still
prevails, a more accepted form is for him to welcome each guest with a
smile, precede her down the aisle, and with a graceful indication,
direct her to her place.
Front seats should always be reserved for the relatives and most
intimate friends of both families. At most fashionable weddings, the
names of the people to receive these front seats are tabulated on cards
and given to the ushers. Another custom that is permissible is to mark
off the number of seats in front that are to be reserved with a white
ribbon, extending from aisle to aisle and terminating at the end seats
with pretty bows or festoons. This manner of reserving seats for the
"guests of honor" is not only effective, but is also decorative.
THE WEDDING DAY
June and October, because the weather is usually beautiful and flowers
are more abundant than at other times, are the favorite months for
brides, though there is not a single month out of the twelve that does
not see its full quota of elaborate weddings. During Lent there are
fewer than at any other time.
There is an old superstition which says that Friday is an unlucky day
for a wedding, but the prejudice that rose from it has so largely been
done away with that the only choice among the days of the week is that
which rises from the bride's personal convenience and desire.
A wedding may take place at any hour of the day. Morning weddings are
usually very simple. Elaborate ceremonies are usually performed at high
noon or in the evening while the wedding that is neither very simple
nor very elaborate (and this means most weddings) takes place in the
afternoon. In a great many instances the hour has to be arranged with
reference to the time the train on which the bride and groom expect to
leave departs.
ARRIVING AT THE CHURCH
The wedding party should arrive promptly at the church a few minutes
before the time mentioned for the ceremony. Few moments are more
tensely anxious than those in which a belated member of the wedding
party is awaited by the others. For this reason, it is always better to
assemble at the home of the bride rather than in the vestibule of the
church or elsewhere. Except the groom and best man, who await the
others in the vestry and the ushers who have gone on ahead an hour or
so earlier.
The bride's mother, the maid of honor and guests leave the home of the
bride first. They are followed by the bridesmaids. The last to leave
are the bride and her father.
The bride's mother is escorted to her place (the aisle seat of the
front pew on the left side) by the head usher. Those of her children
who have no part in the procession accompany her. The family of the
bridegroom are similarly conducted to their reserved place, the front
pew on the right side. As soon as the bridesmaids and the bridal party
arrive at the door of the church, the bridegroom is informed, and the
entire cortége assembles in the vestibule. The organist has previously
been informed as to what musical selections are to be played, and as
soon as he gets his cue, he strikes a chord--and while the mellow notes
of the organ peal forth (usually the beautiful tones of the
wedding-march from "Lohengrin") the doors at the foot of the aisle
slowly swing open.
WEDDING MUSIC
The bride usually enters on Lohengrin and goes out on Mendelssohn.
Throughout the ceremony, except when prayers are being said, there
should be soft music and the organ should continue to play until all
the guests have left the church, unless chimes are rung. In the event
that there are chimes they should begin to ring as soon as the bridal
party has left the church. The music for a church service may be very
stately and impressive. Besides the organ stringed instruments may be
employed and soloists or a choir may be asked to sing. Music is
especially pleasing during the time when the guests are waiting for the
wedding party to assemble.
The musical program in the home is not very different. A piano and one
or two stringed instruments furnish the instrumental music while
friends of the bride and groom may be requested to sing. These should
be rewarded by a gift from the groom. There is a wider choice in the
kind of music which may be used at the home wedding, for the beautiful
secular love songs which are out of place at the church are most
appropriate here.
THE WEDDING PROCESSION
The order of the wedding procession depends largely upon the number of
attendants. The following arrangement is frequently observed: The
ushers enter first, walking slowly down the aisle two by two. The
bridesmaids follow in the same manner, the maid of honor, who is
unattended, comes next, followed by the bride, who leans on the arm of
her father. Flower girls may precede the procession or they may walk
just in front of the bride and a page or pages may be added to the
group to bear the train of the bride's gown. The bride is always the
last to enter and she comes alone or with whoever is to give her away
at the altar.
As they reach the altar the ushers separate, one half moving to the
right, the other to the left. The bridesmaids do likewise, and the maid
of honor steps to the left of the bride while she and her father
advance toward the space left at the foot of the altar for them. At
this point the groom and best man come forward and the bride slips her
hand from her father's arm and places it in the hand of the groom, who
leads her to the clergyman. Her father stands at her right.
THE CEREMONY
The ceremony is performed in accordance with the rites prescribed by
the religious belief of the young people who are about to be married.
The clergyman is the person to consult about any embarrassing
situations that might arise.
As the wedding ring is worn on the same finger that has previously worn
the engagement ring the bride usually removes the latter and places it
on the corresponding finger of the right hand. She may allow it to
remain there after the ceremony or she may place it on the same finger
with the wedding ring. It is allowable to leave the engagement ring in
place and slip the wedding ring on over it.
A word about the ring itself. Like many another of our practices to-day
its use is a survival from primitive times when women were chattels and
a man's wife was his property, his slave to do with as he pleased, and
the ring was of heavy iron, a sign of bondage. Not more than a decade
back the ring was too heavy to be comfortable on the finger, but now it
is a slender band of gold or platinum with or without scroll-work or
other ornamentation, as the wearer may desire. Its symbolism is very
beautiful. The precious metal is an emblem of the purity of the love
between a man and his wife and the circle itself is a symbol of
eternity.
Before entering the church the bride removes the glove from her left
hand and she may give it with her bouquet to the maid of honor to hold
during the ceremony. The practice of ripping one finger of the glove so
as to leave it bare for the ring is a very foolish one and has never
found favor among people of good breeding.
It is the part of the best man to look after the groom. His services
may be required in connection with many of the preliminary details of
the wedding even in the procuring of the license. At the wedding itself
he takes charge of the ring and the clergyman's fee, giving the former
to the groom just before the ceremony requires him to place it on the
bride's finger.
The bride's father remains directly behind her until the clergyman
asks, "Who giveth this woman to this man?" when he comes forward, takes
his daughter's hand, lays it in that of the groom, and says, "I do." He
then turns away and retires to the pew, where his wife is sitting.
LEAVING THE ALTAR
When the final blessing has been pronounced the bridal group may stand
at the altar for a while receiving their friends and then break up
informally, or the procession may leave the church in reverse order
from that in which they entered, the bride and groom walking first
together, followed by the best man and the maid of honor and the
bridesmaids and the ushers walking in pairs. The automobile of the
bride and groom should be waiting at the door to whisk them away to the
home of the bride, where preparations are made for the wedding journey.
THROWING THE BOUQUET
It is a pretty custom for the bride to throw her bouquet among the
bridesmaids (especially lovely when the wedding takes place at home and
the bride turns to throw the flowers as she mounts the stairs). It is a
happy omen for the young lady who catches the bouquet. She may divide
it among the others or she may keep it for herself. It is not
compulsory for the bride to part with the bouquet if she prefers to
keep it herself. She may press the flowers or she may have rose beads
made from the petals or she may dispose of it in any way she desires.
A well-known young society woman who was married recently in one of New
York's most exclusive churches, ordered all the flowers used in
decorations to be sent to a certain hospital to gladden the slowly
dragging hours of the sufferers. She has created a precedent that every
bride should be proud and happy to follow.
After all, the greatest happiness is in making others happy. The joy of
the wedding day will gain a new sweetness when a kind deed adds to its
pleasure. Rather let the sufferers in a hospital enjoy the colorful
fragrance of the flowers than permit them to wilt, forgotten, in the
church.
RICE, ETC.
Frequently a shower of rice follows the departing couple, and satin
slippers are thrown after the car. Care must be taken not to overdo
this ancient custom, for although it is considered good luck for one of
the satin slippers to alight on the top of the car, it is certainly bad
form to give the occasion any appearance whatsoever of vulgarity.
It is interesting to trace this custom back to its origin. Among the
ancient Egyptians and Hebrews a slipper or sandal was a symbol that
denoted an exchange of property. Women at that time were regarded as
property, and they were given in exchange for other property. Later we
find, in Anglo-Saxon marriages, that the bride's father delivers her
shoe to the bridegroom, who touches her on the head with it in token of
his ownership and authority. The custom prevailed, and still later we
find that the idea of good luck is associated with the throwing of
slippers at weddings. Rice and grain were combined with the ceremony of
throwing shoes, obviously indicating a plea to the deity of
Productiveness to bless the marriage with an abundant supply of
nature's bounties.
To-day the custom is still in vogue. Old satin slippers and handfuls of
rice are thrown after the departing couple. It would not be an
objectionable custom if some over-enthusiastic individuals did not
overdo it to the extent that it becomes almost riotous. After a solemn,
dignified, well-ordered wedding ceremony, and a charming reception, it
is nothing short of ridiculous to spoil it all by boisterously
overdoing an old tradition. The cultured person is always well-poised,
always calm--whether it be during the tense moments of the wedding-vow
utterances, or the half-glad, half-sad moments of seeing the happy pair
off.
THE WEDDING RECEPTION
Fashionable weddings, if not celebrated with a wedding breakfast, are
followed by a reception either in the afternoon or evening. All the
bridal attendants are present, and those relatives and friends who have
previously received invitations.
The reception takes place in the drawing room of the bride's home. The
room is decorated with flowers, and in the hall is a refreshment table
on which is punch, cakes and boxes containing favors for each of the
guests.
The bride and groom stand together under a floral bell and accept the
congratulations and good wishes of the guests. The bride's mother and
father are at the door of the drawing room to welcome them, and the
parents of the groom are also ready to receive and welcome the guests
as they arrive.
It is an important duty of the ushers, at the wedding reception, to
introduce to the bride all those guests whom she does not know. She
accepts their congratulations with a smile and a cordial word or two in
acknowledgment of the introduction.
THE WEDDING BREAKFAST
Wedding breakfasts, though an old English custom, are often held after
the church wedding. If it is decided upon, the guests to be invited
should be informed at least two weeks in advance. The occasion has all
the dignity and formality of a dinner party.
The bride and groom enter the dining room first. They are followed by
the bride's mother and the groom's father, and the groom's mother and
the bride's father. The bridesmaids and ushers are always invited to
the wedding breakfast, and they follow immediately after the parents of
the happy couple. The precedence of the other invited guests is
arranged by the mother of the bride.
The menu at a wedding breakfast is never elaborate. Consommée or
bouillon, salads, birds, ices, jellies and bonbons are the usual order.
Coffee and dainty cakes are served last. The wedding cake, if one is
served at all, is set before the bride.
The bride gives one-and-one-half to two hours to her guests at the
wedding breakfast. Then she retires to her room, accompanied by the
maid of honor and her most intimate friends among the bridesmaids; and
when she appears again she is in traveling costume. The groom has also
retired to change his clothes, and he meets the bride at the foot of
the stairs. The motor is at the door in readiness, and after the last
whispered good-bys, warm handclasps and hasty kisses--the bride and
groom are off!
THE WEDDING PRESENT
The custom of giving wedding presents dates from away back in Dutch
history when the relatives and friends of the bride and groom took upon
themselves the responsibility of furnishing the new household.
Great taste and discrimination should be exercised in the selecting of
gifts and they should be sent early. Two months before the wedding is
not too soon. It is wise for the friends whenever possible to consult
each other so that they will not duplicate gifts. If most of the
silver, etc., is gotten from the same jeweler he is a great help in
selecting something that is not only appropriate in itself but in
harmony with the other gifts.
Anyone who receives an invitation may send the bride a gift, though it
is not absolutely necessary to respond to the invitation in this way.
To the question: "What shall the gift be?" the answer is the prettiest
and most useful article within one's means. China and silver are always
appropriate, and cut glass, linen, books, and even checks or gold
pieces are most acceptable.
There is a slight prejudice against giving money as a present at a
wedding or at any other time, but one has only to see the joy that the
bride and groom get out of spending the money over and over again
before they finally do spend it to have this prejudice dispelled.
Silver and linen are usually marked with the initials of the bride,
more often than not with the initials of her maiden name. If there is
any doubt as to which she prefers and one is not able to find out
indirectly, it is permissible to ask her.
Gifts should always be accompanied by the cards of the donors, but
these should be removed when they are placed on display.
ACKNOWLEDGING WEDDING PRESENTS
It is not sufficient merely to keep the cards which accompany the
wedding gifts but there must be some system by which the bride can
remember which gift each one accompanied. She may indicate this on the
card itself or she may keep a list of the names of the donors with the
names of the gifts opposite, but she _must_ be absolutely sure that she
is thanking the right person.
[Illustration: © Brown Bros.
CHURCH DECORATED FOR A FORMAL WEDDING]
If the honeymoon is to be only two weeks or thereabouts the bride may
wait until her return to thank her friends, but if it is to be of long
duration she should write the notes of acknowledgment as soon as she
finds it convenient to do so. These personal notes--and a personal note
is the only proper way to thank one for a wedding present--are usually
written by the bride, but she should always be careful to introduce her
husband's name unless the gift was a very intimate one for her alone.
The following note is a graceful way for both husband and wife to
express their gratitude:
_July 1, 1921._
_Dear Rosalind:_
_George and I both wish to thank you for the lovely picture. When
we return from Atlantic City we shall hang it in our living room
where all of our friends can enjoy it with us. We hope that you
will be among the first to visit us in our new home._
_Very sincerely yours,_
_Annie Beard Hill._
Sometimes the groom receives personal gifts from friends of his. To
these he writes notes of thanks in his own name.
THE HOME WEDDING
Home weddings can often be made as impressive as church weddings. With
correct decorations the most spacious rooms in the bride's house can be
transformed into an interior as lovely as the interior of a beautifully
decorated church.
For instance, at a fashionable home wedding, held recently, the drawing
room was decorated with massive floral wreaths and clusters of palms. A
huge bell of flowers hung in the center of the room, and a canopy of
flowers, occupying one corner, simulated a chapel. The effect was
altogether delightful.
Only close relatives and friends should be invited to the home wedding.
The bridegroom does not enter the home of the bride until a half hour
before the ceremony begins, and when he does arrive, he and his best
man do not mingle with the other guests but retire to an adjoining room
provided for them. The clergyman also retires to this room when he
arrives, and it is here that he dons his official robe. The three
remain until it is announced that the bride is ready to enter the
drawing room.
The bride's mother, assisted by her husband, receives the guests. It is
not considered good form to begin the ceremony until they have all
arrived. Then, when everything is in readiness, the bride is met at the
head of the stairs by her father, and is conducted by him to the
entrance of the room. Usually there is no elaborate wedding procession,
and even in the most fashionable home wedding there is often only a
maid or matron of honor to precede the bride. There are rarely more
than half a dozen bridesmaids at most. The order of precedence is
similar to that of the church wedding; the clergyman performs the
ceremony under a floral canopy, and when it is completed, he steps
aside and the newly married couple take his place to receive the
congratulations and good wishes of the guests.
The wedding breakfast or reception proceeds immediately upon the
conclusion of the ceremony. Everyone present is a guest; and everyone
present attends the reception.
THE SECOND WEDDING
When a woman marries for the second time, her wedding should be very
conservative. Elaborate ceremonies would, indeed, be out of place.
However, the more important conditions of the ceremony are followed
very much along the same lines.
White is for the girl-bride only. The woman who marries for the second
time indulges in none of the age-old customs that the first bride does.
She does not wear a white veil; she does not carry orange blossoms; she
does not have flower girls or pages or bridesmaids. The more
inconspicuous the second wedding is, the more it is in accordance with
the rules of etiquette.
The bride-for-the-second-time may have a maid of honor only on one
occasion. If she has a church wedding and invites numerous guests, she
may have a maid of honor to precede her to the altar. As in the first
wedding, her father gives her away. Her family assumes all
responsibility for the expenses involved unless she prefers to do so
herself. If a reception is given after the ceremony, the same order of
precedence is followed as after the first wedding; the reception may be
held either in the home of the bride's parents, or in her own home.
If married in church, there are none of the elaborate decorations that
characterize the first bridal, although flowers are always acceptable.
Especially if the second ceremony takes place only a short time after
the mourning period for the first husband, any conspicuous display is
in very bad taste.
SOME IMPORTANT CONVENTIONS
It is customary for a widow to remove the engagement ring and wedding
ring of her first husband before the day of her second wedding. The
sight of them cannot be in any way pleasant to her new husband, and
they may be a source of sorrowful memory to her. It is best to discard
them as soon as the second marriage is decided upon.
There has always been some doubt as to whether or not the family of the
second-bride's first husband should be invited to her wedding.
Absolutely. There is no reason why they should be ignored, any more
than any of the other friends and acquaintances of the bride. In fact,
she owes them a special courtesy, and if they accept the invitation,
they must be treated with the kindest attention and courtesy. They must
always occupy seats below the white ribbon, if the wedding is held at
church. If there is for any reason dissension or disagreement between
her and her first husband's family, she will not of course invite them.
But that may only be an individual case; the general rule is to invite
them and treat them with the utmost consideration.
Gifts at the second wedding will not be as elaborate as those at the
first wedding. However, each gift must be acknowledged with a cordial
note of thanks. In fact, all the etiquette of the first wedding is
observed, except that it is on a much simpler scale.
As for the man who marries for the second time, he, too, follows the
original dictates of wedding etiquette, and eliminates only the
farewell bachelor dinner. Here also the ceremony and reception is on a
considerably less extravagant style.
SEEKING ADVICE
The girl or woman who is about to be married can always get helpful
suggestions from her friends who have been married or have witnessed
fashionable weddings. The minister in charge is especially qualified to
give you a great deal of important advice, and one should never
hesitate to consult him. In his official capacity he has doubtless
served at many weddings, many of them well-nigh perfect, some of them
marred by the very blunders that he can teach you to avoid.
WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES
There is something strangely beautiful and poetic in the celebration of
a wedding anniversary. It arouses slumbering sentiments and mellows old
memories into a throbbing happiness. Here are the wedding anniversaries
that are usually celebrated in our better society:
The Paper Wedding--first year.
The Wooden Wedding--fifth year.
The Tin Wedding--tenth year.
The Leather Wedding--twelfth year.
The Crystal Wedding--fifteenth year.
The China Wedding--twentieth year.
The Silver Wedding--twenty-fifth year.
The Ivory Wedding--thirtieth year.
The Woolen Wedding--fortieth year.
The Silk Wedding--forty-fifth year.
The Golden Wedding--fiftieth year.
The Diamond Wedding--seventy-fifth year.
Although many families celebrate all of these anniversaries, it is more
generally the fashion to disregard all those that come before the
quarter-century mark. The first anniversary to be celebrated is usually
the silver wedding. The most favored way of doing this is to have a
dinner party or a reception. Sometimes, especially when there are young
unmarried daughters, a dance is given and a dinner follows later.
THE SILVER WEDDING
Cards for the silver wedding reception should be printed on white or
silver-gray paper. They may be printed in silver or black. They may be
worded in the usual "at home" form, or may be in this form:
_Mr. and Mrs. S. Brown
request the pleasure of ............'s presence
at the dinner reception of their
Silver Wedding
on Tuesday, June the fourteenth
at seven o'clock
1897 1922_
If an invitation like the one above is issued, the guests will
undoubtedly send beautiful gifts of silver--unless, as is often the
case, it is requested in the invitation that no gifts be presented.
Sometimes, in fact, the bride and groom of twenty-five years
commemorate their silver wedding by themselves, sending handsome gifts
of silver to those who started out in married life at about the same
time that they did, but who have not been materially so fortunate.
THE RECEPTION
If a reception celebrates the silver wedding, the husband assists his
wife in receiving. Often the occasion begins at the precise hour at
which the marriage took place; but usually the preferred time is in the
late afternoon or evening. The "bridal couple" should make an effort to
have as many as the original party of bridal attendants present as
possible. It will be interesting for the best man and the maid of honor
to have a little chat together after twenty-five years.
The husband leads the way to the dining room with his wife on his arm,
and she sits at the right of him at the table. If the historic wedding
cake is included in the collation, it is placed before the bride, just
as it was twenty-five years ago. The table decorations should be white
and silver, with a touch of green.
The menu will be the regular formal dinner menu, served and garnished
with a regard for decorative effect. Speeches are in order, and a toast
is usually proposed for the couple. The husband responds with a little
speech in which he honors his wife, and she acknowledges with a smile
that is in itself sufficient eloquence for the occasion. Tiny silver
favors, packed neatly in small white boxes and tied with silver ribbon
are effective novelties at the silver wedding.
TIN AND WOODEN WEDDINGS
A general frolic is in order at the tin wedding. It is rarely
celebrated, in fact, unless the ten-year-married husband and wife wish
to gather together all their old friends and have a jolly good time.
Gifts are usually in the form of tin kitchen utensils, tin
candle-sticks, tin fans, tin ornaments--even tin tables and chairs are
offered as gifts to celebrate the tenth anniversary. A dinner, very
much like the ordinary informal dinner except for the additional "tin"
celebrations, follows the reception.
Wooden weddings are not very often held, although some very fashionable
ones are recorded in the annals of social history. Rolling-pins,
step-ladders, and wooden kitchen utensils cause much merriment when
presented as gifts, and the occasion is generally one of much pleasant
raillery. Wooden ornaments make very appropriate gifts for this
wedding, and a bit of wood artistically carved is always welcome to the
five-year bride who loves pretty things for the home.
THE GOLDEN WEDDING
To have lived fifty years together, to have shared for fifty years each
other's sorrows, joys and hopes, is to have enjoyed one of the greatest
gifts life has to offer. It is an occasion well worthy of the most
elaborate celebration.
A golden wedding has a touch of the romantic, a touch of the
sentimental about it. Poets like to write about it; people like to
dream about it. When it becomes a reality, all the world likes to
watch--and wonder. It is a solemn and dignified event and should be
treated as an occasion of the utmost importance.
The couple should issue pure white cards engraved in gold, announcing
the celebration of the fiftieth anniversary of their wedding day. It is
touching to have the maid of honor and the best man present, if they
are both still living. As many of the original bridal attendants as are
available should be invited, and all the old friends and acquaintances
of the family. There must be no levity, the couple must be treated with
reverence and honor, and the occasion must be given every appearance of
dignified importance.
Unlike the silver wedding, gifts are always presented to the aged
couple at the golden wedding. Delicate pieces of gold jewelry are
always pleasing to the "bride." The "groom" may be presented with gold
shirt-studs, cuff-links or rings. Gold services, gold chased cups,
golden goblets and golden candle sticks are most appropriate.
The dinner should be elaborate. A huge wedding cake, inscribed with a
frosting of the surnames and wedding date of the couple is worthy of
holding the place of honor in the center of the table. Once again the
"bride" enjoys the privilege of being the first to cut the cake--and in
or with each slice that is given to the guests there should be some
little golden token, a ring or thimble or tiny jewel box. If this is
too costly, a golden flower such as a daffodil may be placed on each
plate.
A beautiful and touching sentiment to be observed on the golden wedding
is for the bride to wear something from her wedding day. Perhaps it is
a treasured bit of the bridal veil. Perhaps it is a fan, or a pair of
gloves, or even the wedding dress itself. She also carries a bouquet of
white flowers--as she did fifty years ago on her first wedding day.
THE GOLDEN WEDDING A GLORIOUS ACHIEVEMENT
Beautiful indeed is the celebration of the golden wedding. With her
children and grandchildren and friends grouped around her, with her
husband at her side, doing her every honor he might pay a newly-won
bride, the bride of fifty years can be naught but inexpressibly
happy--though memories of lost youth rise constantly to haunt her. It
is glorious--this reaching fifty years of married life--and any couple
may well be proud to commemorate its occasion.
And, after all, isn't it happiness that makes life worth while? Of what
use is wealth and power and position if we cannot have the ones we
love, the ones who love us? The man and woman who have lived together
in happy companionship for fifty years have more in their love of each
other than the man who has lived alone for fifty years and amassed
tremendous riches.
CHAPTER VI
THE BRIDE'S OUTFIT
ORIGIN OF THE TROUSSEAU
One must study the marriage customs of many countries before the
development of the trousseau idea can be fully traced. But it is
interesting--especially to the bride--to discover that at her
impressive marriage ceremony to-day she is merely repeating the ancient
customs of her ancestors, so very far back that Europe itself was not
yet known.
We find the first trace of it in the book of Genesis (Gen. xxiv. 53).
Perhaps you remember the story. Abraham's servant Eliezer brought
handsome jewels to Rebecca as a seal to the marriage compact. It is one
of the earliest evidences of outfitting for the wedding. And then we
find a trace of it among the early Eskimos, where the bridegroom must
supply his bride with all the clothes necessary for the "honeymoon."
Later, in Roumania, we find the clothes and shoes are a very important
part of the gifts to the bride. Largely from the customs practiced in
this latter country, but also from Italy, Sweden, and Greece, the idea
of the marriage trousseau sprang.
The development is most marked in Roumania. Here we find the tiniest
girls, some of them as young as five years, working on bridal
finery--each one striving to outdo the other in beauty and elaboration
of work. Each finished article is laid carefully away in a huge chest,
until such time as a suitor appears. In days gone by, the bridegroom
had the privilege of examining the trousseau and deciding whether or
not it was complete, and often his choice rested upon the worth of the
bride's outfit.
Perhaps it was because a complete outfit was so very necessary to the
young girl starting out upon her new duties as a wife that the
development of the trousseau has been so rapid. In the year 1308, at
the wedding of Edward II to Isabella of France, the trousseau played an
important part indeed. Here is a description of the bride's outfit, as
taken from E. L. Urlin's book, "A Short History of Marriage:"
"She (Isabella) brought two gold crowns ornamented with gems, gold
and silver drinking vessels, golden spoons and fifty silver plates.
Her dresses were made of gold and silver stuff, velvet and
taffetas. She had six dresses of green cloth, six of rose scarlet
and many costly furs. For linen she had 419 yards, and the
tapestries for her chamber were elaborate with the arms of England
and France woven in gold."
Elaborate, yes, and certainly "fit for a queen." But perhaps we find
the trousseaux of our misses of the twentieth century more interesting!
THE TROUSSEAU OF TO-DAY
It would be ridiculous to attempt to list the articles that must be
included in the trousseau of the bride of to-day. This matter must be
entirely dependent upon circumstances, means and convenience. There can
be no definite set of rules to govern the contents of one's wedding
outfit. But there are certain conventionalities we can discuss that may
be of value to the bride in preparing for her wedding.
There is, of course, something very beautiful in the thought of making
one's trousseau entirely by hand. And there is an old tradition about
"sewing happiness into the wedding outfit" that brides like to believe.
But when we glance at the shop windows with their lavish displays of
the daintiest creations, and when we think of the professional modiste
with her developed sense of the artistic, we must admit that it is not
a practical custom.
It used to be the practice for each young girl to have a "hope chest"
into which she put linens, etc., against the wedding day. This was
during the time when most of the trousseaux were made by hand.
It seems rather a foolish waste of time for the girl of moderate means
to sit for endless hours sewing on rows and rows of lace when machine
made garments may be had at reasonable figures. If she chooses her
things carefully they will bear the stamp of her personality almost as
much as if she had fashioned them herself; and, of course, there are
many finishing touches that she can add which make the things
peculiarly her own, such as initials and monograms, crocheted edges,
etc.
It is gratifying to note that the trousseau of to-day does not contain
such frilly, useless things as did the trousseaux of our grandmothers'
time. Linens boast deep folds of the material and neat hemstitching
instead of huge borders and inserts of lace. Under-things are made and
bought with a regard for wear and utility, rather than merely to be
pretty to look at. The entire outfit shows a tendency to be more useful
and less ornamental. Which is, of course, as it should be.
And now let us consider some of the more important items to be
included.
ABOUT THE LINENS
In selecting her linens the bride should pay particular attention to
quality; the amount she buys depends upon the size of the new home, and
upon the means at her command. There must be sheets and pillow-cases;
bath towels and kitchen towels, napkins and table-covers. If she is
fond of handwork, there may be hand-embroidered linens for the
bed-spreads, hand-embroidered linen scarfs and hand-embroidered
centerpieces of linen. One bride we know included a twenty-yard bolster
of uncut linen in her trousseau in addition to the items mentioned
above. If one can afford it, it is best to start out with a generous
supply of linens, as somehow the older they grow, the longer we have
them, the more precious they become.
Linens are usually initialed. When household and personal linens are
marked, they bear the initials of the bride's maiden name. Towels for
the bath are marked with a single initial in white or colored thread,
to match the border. Table-covers, if initialed at all, have the
letters placed in the center, half-way between the middle and edge of
the table; napkins are initialed in the corner. White linens are
invariably initialed in white.
FOR THE BRIDE
"Girl, do not exult in thy wedding dress; see how much trouble lurks
behind it," says an old Syrian proverb. But where is the little
American bride who does not exult in her dainty wedding things--who
does not glory in the silks and cottons and laces and ribbons of her
trousseau? Always a lover of the beautiful--especially in clothes--she
finds a new charm in these pretty things that portend so much happiness
to come.
There are her underthings--soft, frivolous, much-beribboned chemises,
camisoles and petticoats. Some are of practical muslin or soft, crinkly
crêpe. Others are of rich _crêpe-de-chine_, and lately, knitted
undergarments of silk are favored. Then, there are the dresses, her
chief delight. There is one smart street dress of serge or poiret
twill; an afternoon frock or two of taffeta, georgette or satin as she
prefers; one elaborate evening gown for important occasions, and one
very much less elaborate for semi-evening affairs. And if she is a wise
bride, she will include a smart dark-colored suit, with several fluffy
little blouses. Then, of course, there are the crisp, neat, becoming
little frocks for the morning-at-home. But she should not make the
mistake, which is all too common to brides, of getting several times as
much as she needs.
Other details, such as hose, shoes and hats are best decided by the
bride herself. In fact, the entire trousseau must be determined by the
bride in proportion to such important considerations as her means, the
length of the honeymoon, and the distance of the trip she expects to
make. The items above were offered as a suggestion, and one may add or
detract according to the dictates of common sense. It is suggested,
however, that the trousseau be small and carefully selected, rather
than large and expensive, for the fashions are constantly changing and
not even so momentous an occasion as one's wedding warrants heedless
extravagance.
THE WEDDING DRESS
The origin of the white gown for the bride is not very difficult to
trace. White, since time immemorial, has been the color used to denote
purity. White animals, in certain countries, are held sacred, just as
the white flowers are sacred elsewhere. The exclusive use of white for
the bride is supposed to have grown out of an old custom of the
Patagonians, who cover the body with white paint on the eve of the
wedding ceremony.
To-day the keynote of the wedding gown is simplicity. The days of
elaborate gowns with trains so heavy with the weight of precious jewels
that eight girls had to carry them, is over. The sensible American
bride knows that simplicity is more becoming to the solemn dignity of
the occasion than extremely elaborate dress.
With styles constantly changing as they do, it would be of no value to
offer any description here. However, this little item, taken from the
announcement of a fashionable wedding recently held, may offer some
helpful suggestions: "The gown in which Miss ---- became the Countess
---- was of heavy white satin cut with an almost austere simplicity.
The drapery of the skirt was marked with a garland of lilies and
orange-blossoms. The tulle veil was bordered with old English point
lace, an heirloom of the ---- family."
From a study of the descriptions of other bridal gowns at recent
important weddings, we find that satin is without doubt the favorite
material. _Crêpe-de-chine_ and heavy white brocade are also used;
and the bride may select whichever material she likes best, something
soft and clinging unless she is inclined to be too slender, when
taffeta is more suitable. Undoubtedly, no matter what the style of the
gown happens to be, it should boast a train; and a draped skirt is
always a popular wedding mode. The length of the sleeves and skirt is
entirely governed by the fashion of the moment.
White satin slippers and white gloves enhance the simple beauty of the
wedding gown. Jewels are rarely worn, except, perhaps, one large gem--a
gift of the groom.
THE BRIDE'S VEIL
According to the marriage rites of the ancient Hebrews, ordained in
days when marriage itself was unknown in many countries, a canopy must
be held over the bride and groom by four intimate friends of the
family. Later, we find that this custom among the early Hebrews,
presaged an Anglo-Saxon custom of erecting a "care cloth" (a square
vestment) above the bride and groom. Out of this developed that of
covering the bride alone; to-day the beautiful bridal veil is the
result of those ancient customs.
Not so long ago, the veil was of tulle, and from the top of the bride's
head it fell over her shoulders, completely enveloping her to the very
tips of her shoes. This all-enveloping veil is no longer considered
good form. In its place, is the very charming veil that is gathered
into a becoming, flower-trimmed crown at the back of her head, falling
gracefully to the train of the dress, leaving the face entirely
uncovered.
The veil is always of filmy material. Tulle is favored; and lace is
particularly beautiful, especially if it is old lace that has been a
long time in the bride's family. However, tulle is preferable to
imitation lace. Orange blossoms or tiny lilies-of-the-valley may be
entwined around the crown of the head, a spray or two nestling in the
folds of the veil.
WEDDING FLOWERS
Important, indeed, is the bride's bouquet. Many a delicate flower
pressed between the leaves of a book and cherished in mind and heart
alike is silent and eloquent proof of this fact.
The most conventional form is the shower bouquet. This is a veritable
cascade of flowers and ribbon; white roses, orange-blossoms or
lilies-of-the-valley--or a combination of all three--are massed
together in the center, entwined with narrow satin ribbon. From this
"heart of flowers" lengths of ribbon wound around individual flowers
trail almost to the hem of the bride's gown. It produces a most
charming effect.
Often an ordinary bouquet of flowers is carried, which is just as
pretty if not as elaborate as the shower bouquet. Green foliage is, of
course, permissible; but there is a tendency against flowers of bright
hues. Appearing entirely in white, is one of the customs which,
ordinarily, the bride should observe, not only for the traditions woven
around it, but the suggestions of sweet dignity, purity and girlishness
that are associated with it. Lilies are appealing bridal flowers for
this same reason.
An exception is the civil wedding, or the hurried, simple wedding when
the bride is attired in traveling costume. But this will be taken up in
detail in a later paragraph.
DRESS OF THE MAID OF HONOR
Satin is the most favored material for the dress of the maid of honor.
It may be white, trimmed with pale colors, or it may be entirely pale
pink or pale blue or some other becoming color. On no occasion may the
maid of honor be dressed in pure white.
Her dress is always different from those worn by the bridesmaids. The
style is a matter of taste and prevalent fashion. If the wedding takes
place at noon in a church, the gown is either sleeveless or with very
short sleeves, and it may or may not have a train, according to the
taste of the wearer. Like the bride, she wears white gloves and carries
flowers.
If the wedding is held in the afternoon or evening, at home, the maid
of honor's gown is less formal. It may be a dainty afternoon frock of
taffeta or satin, sometimes embroidered georgette dresses are
worn--that is, for the afternoon alone. When it is in the evening, a
silk gown may be worn.
MARRYING IN TRAVELING DRESS
Very often, when a wedding takes place before twelve o'clock, or when
because of a difference of religious opinion the ceremony is performed
by a Justice of the Peace, or when the wedding is to be a very simple
one, or when for a number of other possible reasons the bride wishes it
she wears a smart traveling suit instead of the white wedding gown.
The suit should be conservative in style and color. Flowers should be
in the form of a corsage. Neither bouquets nor cut flowers are carried
when one is in traveling costume. Instead of a suit a dress may be worn
but it must be an attractive afternoon frock or street dress, not an
evening dress of any sort.
When the bride is a widow marrying for the second time her dress is
characterized by extreme simplicity whether the wedding takes place in
the afternoon or evening.
CHAPTER VII
FUNERALS
FUNERAL CUSTOMS
There is no more eloquent commentary on the vanity of human wishes than
the pomp and ceremony which, since the first syllable of recorded time
have attended funeral services. Kings and emperors have erected
splendid mausoleums in which they and their families might be buried,
Pharaohs have kept slaves at work for twenty years on a pyramid beneath
whose stones their bones might rest, savages in lonely forests have
builded great mounds under which their chiefs may wait for the time to
go to the Happy Hunting grounds. Slave and emperor, prince and
pauper--it is all the same. Last week in New York a woman died in the
ward where they treat patients free of charge, yet for more than
fifteen years she had been paying premiums on an insurance policy which
would permit her to have a funeral "as good as anybody's funeral."
Three weeks ago a boy in a small town in Iowa spent nearly all he had
in defraying the expenses of the funeral of his mother. In this case,
and indeed in many another, a simple ceremony would have been far more
appropriate, for even in paying the last tributes of respect to the
dead there must be the saving grace of common sense. It is like
salt--everything is the better for a pinch of it.
Recently a candidate for the Doctor's degree at one of the largest
universities in the country chose for the subject of his thesis
"Funeral Customs throughout the Ages." It is too large a subject for us
to enter into here, and it would profit us little, for the day of hired
mourners and splendid pageantry together with obtrusive music and
gorgeous flowers is past. Simplicity characterizes the entire service
among well-bred people everywhere. The music is soft and the flowers in
many cases are sent to the hospitals where they may gladden the
sufferers there instead of being allowed to wilt neglected on the
grave. More often than not, nowadays, there is added to the notice of
the funeral which is inserted in the newspapers the sentence, "Please
omit flowers."
Even in the most primitive times it was felt that the dead were going
forth on a long, long journey from which they would never return, and
their friends wanted to do whatever they could to speed them along the
way. It was in this manner that the custom of offering gifts to the
dead came about. These gifts range all the way from food and household
utensils to clothing, weapons and money. The money was sometimes gold,
sometimes silver and sometimes paper, but in most instances it was to
serve as a tip to the ferryman who was to row them across the river
that separates this life from the next.
THE FUNERAL OF TO-DAY
Not long ago a New York newspaper devoted a full page in its magazine
section to an article called "A King's Mother Buried." The purpose of
the article was to reveal forcibly the mockery of some of our elaborate
funerals of to-day, and show how they are proportionately no more
civilized than those barbarous rituals of the early days. The story is
worthy of repetition here.
A certain savage queen was murdered by her son. To convince the people
that she had died a natural death, the son made her burial especially
elaborate and impressive. First a huge hole was dug in the ground, in
which the dead queen was placed in an upright position. Beside her was
placed a large jug of water. And into this great hole were placed also
ten young girls, who were to be buried alive to accompany the dead
queen upon her journey. The hole was then covered with earth, and above
it thousands of men were set to fighting each other until the ground
was soaked with blood. This was not only to honor the dead queen, but
to keep ill-luck away from the king.
You are horrified when you read about this savage burial. You wonder at
the superstitious ignorance that allows ten girls to be buried alive,
and thousands of young men to be slaughtered, merely in honor of a
murdered queen and her brutal son. But considering the knowledge of
those savages and our knowledge to-day, their education and our
education, we find that we are entitled to no excessive praise. The
funerals to-day are often comparatively as ridiculous and uncivilized,
though the tendency is certainly toward better things.
To give one specific instance, there is the widow who spends every
dollar left her by a departed husband to pay for an elaborate funeral
for him. In the eyes of the world, he must be buried "right"; and
though it leaves her in debt, she makes an impressive funeral service.
Would it not have been more sensible to bury him simply and
unostentatiously, preserving a little of the money left her for the
necessities of life? It is one of the ironies of life that often more
attention and honor are paid to the dead than they ever receive in
life.
If we study present-day funerals carefully we will find that they have
much in common with those savage burials of other days. It is because
we do things merely because others did the same things before us. We
have certain beliefs because tradition says they are true, and
therefore, no matter how absurd they are, they are _right_, and we
must hold to them with the same fervor of conviction that makes the
savage cling to his.
WHEN DEATH ENTERS THE FAMILY
Aside from its psychological aspects--those entailing fear,
superstition and the belief in religious and traditional customs--death
brings with it heartache and sorrow. To lose a beloved one in death is
to be conscious of the intangible something that binds the world
together, and upon which all civilization is based. We call it love;
and we know that it is the deepest tie of affection--indeed, the
deepest emotion--of which human nature is capable.
And so, death brings with it sorrow and misery. Those of us who are
most directly concerned can think of no rules of etiquette, no customs
of good society, when we are suffering a deep bereavement. We think
only of our great loss, and of our great sorrow. That is why it is
necessary for us all to know the rules of correct conduct, so that when
death does enter our household we will instinctively do what is
correct. It is a test like this that shows innate good breeding.
One great rule to remember, for those who come in contact with people
who have lost a beloved member of the family, is that sorrow is sacred,
and that it is one of the most unforgivable breaches of good behavior
to intrude upon it. A note of condolence, or a brief visit is a
necessary social duty; but constant intrusion upon grief is as unkind
and inconsiderate as it is ill-bred.
TAKING CHARGE
The world over, funeral customs have one factor in common: the belief
that the dead man has not ceased to live. This belief finds expression
in rites and ceremonies. It is for this reason that funeral and
mourning practices are highly conventional. Another reason, perhaps, is
because death is a shock, and a round of conventional ceremonies
alleviates that strained feeling during the period of readjustment.
Thus, the members of the bereaved family should be left as nearly alone
to their grief as possible. Nothing in the nature of business should be
thrust upon them. A male member of the family should take complete
charge; or the immediate duties may be left in the hands of the nearest
outside relatives. But whoever does take charge should see that the
family is not troubled with the minor details, and that the funeral
ceremony is carried out according to the family's preconfided wishes.
The duties of the person, or persons, who take charge are many and
varied. The first duty is to see that all the blinds are drawn and that
the door-bell is muffled. Proper announcements must be made in the
newspapers, pall-bearers must be selected, and the arrangements must be
made with the sexton for the funeral itself. The clergyman who is to
officiate must be interviewed and all the details concerning services,
music and decorations of the church must be determined. Upon the person
in charge also rests the duty of seeing that the undertaker does not
take advantage of his authority to the extent of making the funeral
unduly lavish.
It is within the power of the person who takes charge at a funeral to
mitigate considerably the grief of the family. And it is a service that
the family will not soon forget.
ANNOUNCING THE DEATH
Modern funeral customs demand a few lines in the newspapers making
public announcement of a death. Attendant ceremonies are also included
for the benefit of friends and acquaintances of the family. Following
is a typical announcement of a death, copied with only a change in
names from the newspaper:
Radcliff--At her residence, 410 West Fiftieth Street, Rose Speyer
Radcliff, daughter of James and Helen Wilson Speyer, and beloved
wife of Robert L. Radcliff. Funeral services in the Chapel of St.
Bartholomew's Church, Park Avenue and Fiftieth Street, New York
City, on Saturday morning, 11 o'clock. Interment at Waterbury,
Conn.
When an announcement of this kind appears in the newspapers all friends
and relatives of the family are expected to appear at St. Bartholomew's
Church on Saturday morning at 11 o'clock to attend the services. If the
words "Funeral private" or "Interment private" are added to the
announcement, it is the height of ill-breeding for any except very
intimate friends and relatives to be present. Very often the request
"Kindly omit flowers," or "Please omit flowers" is added to the
announcement of a death. In this event it is still the privilege of a
friend to send flowers to some member of the family or to the family as
a whole after the funeral ceremony has taken place.
SOME NECESSARY PREPARATIONS
Where there are servants, one should be stationed at the door to
receive cards and messages. Otherwise this duty devolves upon the
person who is taking charge. The servant should wear a black gown,
white collar and cuffs and a white apron and white cap with black
ribbons. If a man-servant is stationed at the door he wears a complete
black livery.
With the growing taste for privacy and simplicity, many of the foolish
demonstrations of grief, expressed in outward display, have been
eliminated. It is now a very rare occurrence for the room in which the
dead body lies to be filled with wreaths and masses of flowers, for
people are beginning to realize that this is a relic of ancient and
savage burial customs, and that it is not so much a manifestation of
grief as a display of vanity. Of course it is a pretty way of
expressing sentiment to send a floral offering to some one who has
died; but modern principles of good conduct acclaim it better taste,
and certainly more dignified, to express these sentiments of regard in
some other way. A short expression of sorrow appearing as a semi-public
announcement in the newspaper after the announcement of the death may
be offered by a group of friends or business associates but it is not
good form for a member of the family of the deceased to insert such an
announcement in the papers. Family grief is private; and publicity
cheapens it.
The somber crêpe announcing to the world that a death has occurred in
the family is also fast becoming a thing of the past. One can easily
see in this custom of crêpe-hanging a relic of that custom of ancient
Patagonia that required all belongings of the deceased to be painted
black. Even the body of the person who died was covered with black
paint. The black crêpe of to-day is merely another form of that same
custom. Now, instead of the broad black ribbon, a wreath or long sprays
of white or lilac flowers are entwined around the flowing ends of white
ribbon. This is especially appropriate when the deceased is a young
person--man or woman. For a girl of tender years, or for a very young
child, a sheaf of white roses or white carnations with white ribbons
should be used; roses and violets with a white ribbon, or roses with a
black ribbon denote the death of an older unmarried man or woman. The
plain crêpe streamers are usually used for married people. Custom still
demands this flower-and-ribbon tribute to the dead on the door of his
or her residence, but gradually this custom, too, will be relegated to
the forgotten things of the past.
THE LADIES OF THE FAMILY
A close friend or relative of the bereaved family should make the
necessary purchases for the women members of that family. It is
considered bad form for them to be seen abroad before the funeral. A
dressmaker should be summoned to the house if orders are to be given
for mourning dress.
The duty of writing necessary notes and seeing callers also devolves
upon some intimate relative or friend. Notes or letters written in the
name of the family are on either black-edged or plain white paper, and
signed with the names of the people for whom they are written. Thus, if
Mrs. Carr's husband has died, and her cousin is attending to the
incident preparations and duties, the notes and letters written for
Mrs. Carr would be signed with her name and not the name of the cousin,
but with the initials of the cousin beneath the signature.
The ladies of a bereaved family should not see callers, even the most
intimate friends, unless they are able to control their grief. It is a
source of discomfort to the visitor, as well as to the mourner, to
enact a scene of semi-hysteria in the drawing-room. Yet, at a time like
this, one can hardly be expected to be in full control of one's
emotions. Therefore it is always wise for the women to keep to their
rooms until after the funeral.
THE PALL-BEARERS
If a guard of honor is to be appointed, the person in charge should
consult the wishes of the immediate family. Those who are asked to
serve receive an invitation by note or by messenger, sent either by the
head of the family of the deceased or by the person in charge.
Relatives are seldom appointed as pall-bearers. A request to serve as
pall-bearer should be refused only for the most imperative reasons.
The number and age of the pall-bearers is a matter of taste and not of
obligation. But it is considered good form to have six young girls,
dressed in white, as the guard of honor for a young girl or woman. They
should be selected from among intimate friends. Similarly, six young
men are appropriate for a young man who has died; while for an elderly
married man, eight gentlemen from among his closest friends and
business associates form the usual guard of honor.
The pall-bearers, in the invitation, are told just when they are
expected to assemble at the house of the deceased, and they should make
it a particular point to be on time. There can be no greater breach of
good manners, and in fact no greater unkindness, than to keep a funeral
party waiting. If the pall-bearers are to be women, the carriages or
cars may be sent for them individually; but as a general rule,
pall-bearers are shown to their carriage or car before the door, when
the funeral procession begins.
It is customary for all who attend a church funeral to assemble at the
church, but this rule does not pertain to the pall-bearers. They are
the only ones who accompany the immediate family and relatives from the
house. Unless a special request to the contrary has been made,
pall-bearers may send flowers if they wish.
DUTIES OF PALL-BEARERS
A prompt answer is necessary upon receipt of an invitation to serve as
pall-bearer. Illness or absence from town at the time of the funeral
are the only excuses for refusing to accept the invitation. The written
answer must be followed by a personal call at the home of the deceased,
and cards must be left.
Formerly the duty of the pall-bearer was to carry the cloth or velvet
pall that covered the coffin--hence the name. Later the custom
developed into a more important duty--the pall-bearers actually carried
the casket into and out of the church. This is still done, although now
the accepted form is for the pall-bearers to appear solely as a guard
of honor for the dead.
In this latter case, they walk before the casket which is carried by
the undertaker's or sexton's assistants. They halt before the hearse
and stand in silent reverence with heads uncovered, while the casket is
being placed into it, and again when it is taken out to be conveyed
into the church. They do not enter their cars until the hearse has
passed on ahead.
Each pall-bearer should speak a few words of condolence to the members
of the bereaved family. However, he must not make obvious efforts to
observe this duty, nor must he intrude upon grief. He offers his words
of comfort only when it is convenient and when he is brought, by his
duties, into the presence of his sorrowing friends. He should be kind,
and most of all, tactful. He should not say anything that will cause a
fresh outburst of grief.
A few days after the funeral, it is expected that the pall-bearer call
and leave his card for the mourners. It is necessary only for him to
inquire at the door after the ladies and to leave his card. It is more
considerate not to ask to see the members of the family.
THE CHURCH FUNERAL
Because it is closely allied with religion, the funeral ceremony is
nearly always conducted at church. Of course this is something entirely
dependent upon conditions and personal preferences, but the church
funeral is always more dignified and impressive.
The pall-bearers and nearest relatives of the deceased assemble at the
house. Otherwise, all who are to attend the funeral assemble at the
church. The casket is borne from the house by the undertaker's
assistants, the pall-bearers preceding it two-by-two. As soon as the
hearse drives off, the pall-bearers enter the carriages or cars
immediately behind it, and the relatives follow in the next cars in the
order of their relationship.
When the procession is ready to move, the music begins and the casket
is borne down the aisle to the altar by the sexton's assistants.
Sometimes the pall-bearers carry the casket to the altar.
ORDER OF PRECEDENCE
When attending the body of their child, parents walk arm in arm, their
other children following immediately behind them in the order of
seniority. Pall-bearers invariably precede the casket. A widow attends
the body of her husband on the arm of her eldest son or daughter, with
her other children just behind. After them come the deceased man's
parents, followed by his brothers and sisters. Similarly, a widower
follows the body of his wife attended by his eldest son or daughter.
Children following the body of their only parent take precedence
according to their ages, the elder always leading. A widow who has no
children follows her husband on the arm of a brother or other near
masculine relative.
During the services at the church, the relatives occupy the front pews
on the right of the center aisle. The pall-bearers sit in the opposite
pews on the left-hand side. After the services the procession leaves
the church in the same order observed upon entering. If prayers are to
be offered at the grave, the car of the clergyman follows immediately
after the hearse.
Different religions have different burial services, but these are
matters of faith rather than of etiquette.
THE HOUSE FUNERAL
A house funeral should always be very simple. Few flowers are used by
people of good taste.
At a house funeral, a number of folding-chairs may be provided by the
undertaker. The casket is placed on a draped stand at one end of the
drawing-room, such flowers as are used being placed on and around it.
The room may or may not be darkened according to the wishes of the
family. Each guest should be greeted at the door by some representative
of the family and shown to a seat in the drawing-room. A row of seats
should be reserved near the casket for the immediate family, one being
set aside for the clergyman who is to officiate. Though it is not
obligatory it is very courteous to send a carriage or an automobile for
him. A Protestant clergyman does not expect a fee but if he has come
some distance or if the family wishes to express their thanks in that
manner they may offer one which he is privileged to accept with perfect
propriety.
It is not necessary to appoint pall-bearers for a home funeral. A quiet
reserve and dignity should characterize the occasion, and it should be
carried out with the greatest amount of expediency possible. If music
is desired, the musicians or choristers should be in an adjacent room
and the notes should be very low and soft.
Women do not remove their wraps during the ceremony, and men carry
their hats in their hands. The women members of the bereaved family
enter on the arms of masculine relatives, and if they intend going to
the cemetery, they wear their hats and veils. The members of the
family, however, do not enter the drawing-room until the clergyman
arrives.
After the ceremony the guests quietly disperse, only those remaining
who intend going to the cemetery. It is not expected that expressions
of sympathy be offered on this occasion; cards are left for the family
immediately after the announcement of the death, and a call of
condolence is made, according to society's rules, within a week after
the funeral. Thus it is superfluous to offer sympathy at the services,
unless one is a very dear friend and wishes particularly to do so.
A POINT OF IMPORTANCE
Very often the women of the family, or perhaps just one woman, finds
her grief uncontrollable. Even though the funeral is private, and only
relatives and close friends are present it is the privilege of the
bereaved to keep to her room and find solace in solitude. The world
will not censure her for being absent; it is a time when petty
conventions may safely be overlooked. When one is grieving, suffering,
miserable; and prefers to find peace alone, without the sympathies of
others, she has every right in the world to do so. And she is breaking
no rules of good conduct, either, for people of good breeding will
recognize the depth of her overpowering grief.
Surely it is better to remain away from the services than to go in a
state of hysteria. When sorrow is so poignant, private home services
are usually held, in which case the immediate members of the family may
gather in a room adjoining that in which the guests are assembled. Even
in the deepest grief it is possible to remember and observe the great
law--"be calm, be silent and serene," and tears do not always mean
sorrow, nor loud wailing, grief.
REMOVING SIGNS OF GRIEF
Upon their return from the funeral, the family should find the windows
open with the warm sunlight streaming through them and all outward
signs of sorrow removed. The ribbon and flowers on the door are
generally taken down as soon as the procession leaves.
In the house, all signs of the bereavement should be effaced. The
furniture should be placed in its usual order. Everything connected
with the funeral must be out of sight. The members of the family should
be greeted with nothing, upon their return, that would possibly give
cause for fresh sorrow. A considerate friend or relative should stay
behind to attend to these details. It is not enough to leave everything
in the hands of the undertaker and his assistants.
But even relatives should remember that the bereaved ones will want to
be by themselves, and that solitude is often the greatest solace for
grief.
SECLUSION DURING MOURNING
For three weeks after a bereavement, women seclude themselves and
receive no visitors except their most intimate friends. After this they
are expected to be sufficiently resigned to receive the calls of
condolence of their friends and acquaintances. They themselves make no
visits until six months after the death.
While wearing crêpe veil and crêpe-trimmed gowns, a woman should
refrain from taking part in all social gaieties. After the crêpe has
been discarded, she may attend concerts, dinners and luncheons, and the
theater; but she attends no large social functions or fashionable
dinners until at least a year after the date of death. The usual round
of social duties, including balls and the opera, are not resumed until
colors are once again adopted.
A man does not observe the etiquette of mourning as rigidly as his wife
or daughter; but it is necessary to mention here that it is exceedingly
bad form for him to resume his active social duties, such as club
dinners and entertainments, the theater, calls, small dinners with
friends, until at least two months have elapsed. If business permits,
he may observe ten days or two weeks of absolute seclusion.
DRESS AT FUNERALS
Those who attend the funeral should not appear in gay or
brightly-colored clothes, in deference for the feelings of the
sorrowing relatives. Women who wear simple, unrelieved black display an
excellent taste although any subdued color is equally good. Gentlemen
should wear either complete suits of black, or those of material dark
enough to be suited to the solemnity of the occasion. Gray trousers
with a black cutaway are permissible. A quiet hat, gloves and necktie
are worn. Vivid colors, either on a man or woman, show a disregard for
the feeling of the mourners, a lack of respect for oneself, and a
distinct ignorance of the laws of good conduct. It is not a gala
occasion and levity of any sort is atrociously bad form.
INTERMENT AND CREMATION
Etiquette has nothing to say with regard to the disposal of the body of
the deceased. Whether it is to be interred or cremated, whether the
casket shall rest in a grave or a vault or a mausoleum or whether the
ashes shall be preserved in an urn or scattered upon a well-loved river
or hill or upon some other chosen spot is entirely a matter of personal
preference.
But etiquette unites with the laws of beauty and refined sentiment in
protesting against the erecting of hideous monuments with absurd
inscriptions. The purpose of the tombstone is to mark the resting place
and to bear the name and the date of the birth and death of the person
who lies beneath it. If the life itself has not left a record that will
last a marble slab will not do much to perpetuate it. Sometimes there
is a special achievement or a mark of distinction which may with
propriety be cut into the stone or the family of the deceased may
inscribe thereupon an expression of their grief or love; but flowery
inscriptions belong to the past and since there are no words that can
adequately express the grief of a sorrowing family for one who has died
it is perhaps best not to attempt it.
The hour at which the interment is to take place is appointed to suit
the convenience of the family. In cities where a multiplicity of duties
makes attendance in the daytime difficult it is customary to have
evening services, but under all other circumstances the funeral is
scheduled to take place during the day.
MOURNING DRESS
Grief turns instinctively to the somber garments of mourning for the
slight measure of comfort which they give, but modern ideas of
enlightened civilization look with disfavor on long crêpe veils and any
other form of mourning that is so pronounced as to be ostentatious.
Black is very depressing, especially to young children, and a mother,
however deep her sorrow because of the death of one of her children
should keep this in mind and should, at any rate, not wear black every
day. If she likes she may wear mourning when she leaves the house. It
is a sort of protection, for strangers and thoughtless friends will not
be so likely to make remarks that will wound, if they have the black
dress to remind them of the bereavement which the mother has suffered.
Under any other circumstances the wearing of colors at home and black
abroad is a form of hypocrisy, and is, of course, to be deplored.
Black fabrics for mourning should not have a shiny finish nor should
they be trimmed except in the simplest way possible. Serge, cloth,
duvetyn, Canton crêpe, pongee, chiffon, and georgette are appropriate
but one should avoid velvets and most fur trimmings. The most suitable
furs are plain black seal, fox, lynx, etc., though others may be worn.
Bright linings are not permissible.
A woman in mourning does not wear jewelry aside from the wedding and
engagement rings. Dull bar pins may be used whenever needed and a
brooch, plain or set with pearl, may be worn. Dress accessories should
be of dull black, purse, gloves, etc. Handkerchiefs may have a black
border or they may be pure white.
The length of the mourning period depends upon the tie which existed
between the deceased and the bereaved. Except for an elderly woman
whose husband has died and who never intends taking off black the
longest period is usually two years, the first in deep mourning, the
next in "second mourning" during which time gray, lavender, purple and
black-and-white may be worn. This may be shortened at discretion to six
months of deep mourning followed by six months of semi-mourning or
three months of deep mourning and six of half mourning. The change from
black to colors should never be so abrupt as to be startling.
A girl does not wear mourning for her fiancé except under extenuating
circumstances. If he died on the eve of the wedding it is permissible
but if the date for the wedding had not been set or if the engagement
had not been announced it is questionable form for her to go into
mourning for him. It is a very delicate matter and the final court of
appeals is the young lady herself. But she should remember that the
garments of mourning are after all only a symbol of grief and she
should hesitate a long time before assuming them. Her mourning outfit
is like that of a widow and she wears it for the same length of time.
Children should never wear black. Upon the death of a parent they may
wear white perhaps relieved by lavender for six months or so. They do
not use mourning stationery and they do not carry black bordered
handkerchiefs. A girl fifteen or sixteen may wear delicate grays,
lavenders, and mixed goods as well as white, but she should not wear
black.
There is no iron-clad rule concerning mourning, and one may or may not
wear it. Even a widow, a daughter, or a mother is under no compulsion
to do so, though to appear in bright colors shortly after the death of
a beloved one is certainly an evidence of bad taste.
MOURNING DRESS FOR MEN
The mourning outfit for men is not so pronounced as that for women. A
black suit with dull black shoes, black gloves and white linen
constitutes first mourning. Many men use only the black band around the
coat sleeve. The custom grew out of the English practice of having the
servants wear the black band in households that could not afford a
complete mourning outfit, and for this reason has met with disfavor
among the fastidious in this country. It has this much in its favor: it
accomplishes the purpose of full mourning with the added virtue of
economy, and when one's life has to be conducted on a frugal scale it
is better to wear the simple black band than to spend one's substance
foolishly for mourning.
A widower wears mourning for a year or a year and a half while a man
grieving for some other relative than his wife may wear mourning a year
or six months as he prefers. First mourning consists of a suit of black
with white linen, and dull accessories such as shoes, gloves, cuff
links, etc. The hat may have a crêpe border but it should not be a very
wide one. For second mourning his suit is of gray or black, with gray
gloves, white linen, etc. Men should never carry black bordered
handkerchiefs. A man wears mourning for a wife, a child, a parent, or a
brother or sister the length of time depending upon the strength of the
bond which held them together.
MOURNING STATIONERY
White stationery of a good quality is correct for _all_ occasions
and mourning is no exception. That which has a narrow black border is
good but a border nearly an inch wide is in bad taste. After three
months have passed gray stationery is permissible.
Since there are no formal invitations issued during the period of
mourning there are no special forms for them. There are, however, in
addition to the regular mourning stationery cards acknowledging
expressions of sympathy. These may be had from any up-to-date
stationer's. They may or may not have the black border. The following
is an example of such a card:
_Mr. and Mrs. N. C. Graham
thank you for your kind expression of sympathy
during their recent bereavement._
The visiting card may have an unobtrusive border of black. The border
on this and on the stationery may be lessened from time to time during
the period of mourning or it may remain the same until it is discarded
altogether.
CHAPTER VIII
CHRISTENINGS
ANNOUNCING THE BIRTH OF THE CHILD
When a child is born the mother and father announce the fact to their
friends by means of cards. These may be obtained in the prevailing
style from any good stationer. Sometimes only one card is sent bearing
the names of the parents and that of the child or the word, "Son" or
"Daughter" if the name has not been decided upon. Another fashion which
has become standard is the use of two cards, one somewhat larger than
the ordinary visiting card and attached to it by a tiny white ribbon
one very much smaller bearing the name of the infant. There are also
dainty and attractive cards specially designed for the occasion. While
these are not so formal as the plain white cards they are, when chosen
with discrimination, very delightful and almost as personal as a note.
Notes are usually sent only to one's most intimate friends.
RESPONDING TO THE ANNOUNCEMENT
Friends of the parents will, of course, hasten to congratulate them
upon their good fortune. They may send flowers, magazines, jellies,
etc., to the mother and to the youngster some little article pleasing
because of its beauty or its utility. Gifts are not necessary, however,
and a warm and sincere note expressing one's happiness at the good
fortune of the parents is quite sufficient. The note _must not be
perfunctory_. You must remember that the child of your friend is the
most wonderful infant that ever came to earth to live (and if your
private opinion is to the contrary it is best to keep it private), and
that conventional phrases are entirely inadequate. On the other hand it
will not do to gush. Simplicity and sincerity are the best means to
attain the end desired.
GODPARENTS
In the old world the selection of godparents is a very important duty
and the office of the godfather and the godmother is actual rather than
theoretical; but in this country it has a tendency to become a mere
form. This should not be the case, for it is a high tribute to a friend
to ask him to be the godfather of one's child and it is often an
excellent thing for the child. It assures him at least one friend older
than himself who has a very special interest in his welfare.
There may be four sponsors, or two, as one chooses, but in America
there are usually only two, a godfather and a godmother. Whenever
possible they should be asked in person and they should never be asked
through a formally engraved card. For the sponsors are always intimate
friends of the mother and father or relatives for whom they feel the
highest regard. It is the interest of the child that is at stake and
this should be taken into consideration by the parents before they make
their final selection.
The duties of the godparents are not onerous. They promise always to
befriend the child and at the time of the christening they present it
with a gift of some sort--jewelry, garments, carriage or toilette
accessories. They are present at the baptism, if possible, and
accompany the mother and father to the altar. The father and godfather
have little to do beyond lending the grace of their presence to the
occasion. The godmother carries the infant to the altar, resplendent in
his christening robe, and at the proper time hands it to the clergyman.
If there are no sponsors the office of the godmother at the church may
be filled by the baby's nurse or by the mother herself.
INVITATIONS TO A CHRISTENING
The christening is rarely an elaborate affair and the only guests are
relatives and close friends. If it is not too much of a tax on the
mother it is very lovely for her to write personal notes to each guest
asking him or her to be present at the ceremony. If there is to be a
considerable number present engraved cards may be dispatched. Examples
of both the formal and the informal invitation are given below:
_June 6, 19--_
_My dear Grace_,
_The baby is to be christened next Sunday at four o'clock at the
Brick Church and both Harry and I are anxious to have you present.
I think Harry Jr. would be also if he were old enough to know what
it is all about._
_Cordially yours,_
_Alice F. Duncan._
_Mr. and Mrs. Harry T. Duncan
request the pleasure of your company
at the christening of their son
on Sunday afternoon, June 6
at four o'clock
at the Brick Church_
A CHURCH CHRISTENING
If the christening is to be an occasion of great formality and
elaboration the church should be decorated, not elaborately as for a
wedding but simply and prettily with smilax and ferns and delicate
white flowers or in some other way that will indicate that the event
is for a child and not for an older person.
The child's christening robe should be simple but exquisite. He may
be brought in more gracefully if he is carried on a pillow or a
_porte-bébé_.
The mother usually wears a reception gown, hat, and gloves. The women
sponsors are similarly dressed while the masculine guests wear the
prescribed outfit for afternoon receptions, the cutaway coat, etc.,
unless the christening takes place in the summer when light flannels
may be substituted.
THE HOUSE CHRISTENING
There is very little difference between a christening that takes place
at home and one at church. The house should be decorated and a font may
be placed in the drawing-room. The mother's gown is less formal than
the one she would wear to the church but the other details are
practically the same.
AFTER THE BAPTISM
After the ceremony is over and the youngster has been duly admired and
sent back to the nursery, there may be a reception or tea or even a
dinner or breakfast, according to the time of the christening, for the
guests. If the baptism took place at church the guests may drive
immediately from there to the home, allowing the automobile containing
the mother and father to precede them by a few minutes. If it took
place at home matters are simplified, for the guests may pass into
another room or the font may be placed to one side.
If there is a breakfast or luncheon served the clergyman who performed
the ceremony is invited to be present, and whether or not it is
customary to ask a blessing he is requested to pronounce one. He enters
the dining-room with the child's grandmother, or if both grandmothers
are present, with the elder.
GIFTS
Each person who is invited to the christening is expected to remember
the infant with a gift of some sort. In view of the fact that there is
usually nothing that he needs and that he is too young to appreciate
anything, many people give for the future rather than for the present.
Sometimes a friend of the mother will give the infant daughter a silver
spoon, adding duplicates each year after on its birthday or at
Christmas until they form a complete set. Books which he will
appreciate later may be given. Money in the form of gold pieces or
checks is most appropriate and is one of the most popular of gifts.
Carriage and toilette accessories, jewelry, etc., are, of course,
suitable but one should make sure that there is an actual need for
them. Most people nowadays live in a limited amount of space with
neither a garret nor a cellar to store things in.
PART II
"_Politeness itself is always the same. The rules of etiquette which
are merely the forms in which it finds expression, vary with time and
place. A sincere regard for the rights of others, in the smallest
matters as well as the largest; genuine kindness of heart; good taste
and self command, which are the foundations of good manners, are never
out of fashion._"
--_Samuel R. Wells._
CHAPTER I
INTRODUCTIONS
PURPOSE OF THE INTRODUCTION
The days of gallant cavaliers and courteous knights who bowed profusely
and doffed their feathered hats to the very ground when introduced to
ladies of the court are over. To-day, simplicity is the keynote in
introductions--as in everything else. But the significance of those
charming introductions of yore remains. We find that the introduction
of to-day is still made and acknowledged with a certain measured grace
and courtesy of manner. What it lacks in old-time picturesque gallantry
it gains in a new friendliness that is in accord with whole-hearted
warmth for which the Americans are famous.
Every day, in the social and business worlds alike, there is the
constant need of introducing people correctly. But the correct
introduction does not consist merely of making two strangers known to
each other--perhaps just temporarily. To create an immediate
friendliness between two people who have met for the first time, to do
away with all hesitancy and embarrassment, to create smooth and
pleasant conversation, to make the strangers want to continue their
acquaintance--that is the purpose of the correct introduction. And its
achievement rests entirely with the man or woman who is the medium of
introduction.
A great many people have the mistaken impression that an introduction
is meant solely to make two people known to each other for the short
time that they are in company together. The correct introduction helps
to create friendship--the kind of friendship that lasts. It is not
enough to exchange names. It is not enough to present one person to
another, and then forget about it completely. The adroit introducer
draws the strangers into conversation at once, and leads casually into
channels that he, or she, knows are of interest to both.
To introduce people correctly is an art in itself, and like any other
art, it requires constant study and practice before one becomes adept.
CREATING CONVERSATION
We have mentioned conversation as being an ideal means of establishing
immediate understanding between two strangers--or between a stranger
and a group of guests. Let us consider first the best means to employ
in creating conversation between two persons who have just been
introduced.
Elaborate manner should be avoided. Simple words and phraseology are
always most effective, especially when one's manner and tone are
sincere. Brevity is also a virtue to be developed in introducing
people. If a scientist and a student meet in your home for the first
time, the student is presented to the older man. The host or hostess
might introduce them in this manner: "Mr. Rogers, let me present Mr.
Brown, who is making a study of social science at Pennsylvania
University." Naturally, an introduction of this kind would lead
directly into a discussion on science--and both men would feel entirely
at ease in each other's company.
In introducing a gentleman to a lady, the same rule of mutual interest
for creating conversation holds true. The hostess might say, "Miss
Murray, allow me to present Mr. Smith, who stopped at the Palms last
summer just before you arrived." Of course, the young people would
immediately have something to talk about, and there would be no
strained feeling of the sort that usually follows in the wake of a poor
introduction. Or, if Mr. Smith is an author, and Miss Murray is very
fond of reading, the hostess would say, "Miss Murray, I'm sure you will
be pleased to meet Mr. Smith, who writes such charming fiction. You
remember how much we enjoyed 'The Rose Garden.'"
A great deal depends upon the strangers themselves, whether or not
conversation will move forward, but the hostess who has introduced them
skilfully has certainly given them a pleasant opening.
WHEN TO INTRODUCE
"To introduce or not to introduce?" has often puzzled men and women of
better society. It requires infinite tact, and also a certain keen
knowledge of the world, to determine just whom one should and one
should not introduce to one's friends.
This does not refer to home or private entertainments where everyone is
an invited guest. In this case, the host and hostess make whatever
introductions they deem necessary, being sure that a stranger is
carefully presented to each guest. When the reception is a large one--a
ball, for instance--the roof may serve as an introduction; that is, the
guests may take it for granted that everyone present, being an invited
guest, has already the endorsement of the hostess. Thus they may
address and converse with anyone they choose, without trespassing any
laws of good conduct.
If a lady passes two gentlemen, one of whom she knows, both raise their
hats and greet her, but no introductions are made. If he stops for a
moment--and it must be only for a very brief moment--he does not
present his companion. Street introductions are bad form unless the
little group joins forces and walks on together.
In the business world, introductions are made whenever a mutual
acquaintance or friend is present. Business introductions are governed
very largely by diplomacy, although the gentleman will make sure that
his business introduction is just as courteous and graceful as his
social introduction.
Granting that all your friends and acquaintances are of the very best
society, it is quite safe to say that you may introduce two people to
each other, or a group of people to one another, whenever you chance to
be a mutual friend. Whether or not the acquaintanceship continues
depends entirely upon the people who have been introduced. It is
certainly better form to introduce two people, even though you are in
doubt as to their similarity of character and personality, than to have
one of your friends--or several of them--feel slighted. There are few
things more unkind and discourteous than to neglect introducing
strangers to each other.
IMPORTANCE OF CARE
An awkward or haphazard introduction can not be effective. A common
fault seems to be to mumble hurriedly over names--a very bad fault,
indeed, as it leaves the strangers in ignorance as to each other's
identity. Names should be pronounced carefully and distinctly, leaving
no doubt whatever in the minds of those who are being presented to each
other. To slur over names in haste or embarrassment, is to create a
strained and uncomfortable atmosphere.
As in everything else in good society, ostentation is extremely vulgar.
Deep bows, flourishes, and forced phrases have no place in the right
sort of presentations. Brief, simple introductions, with a note of
sincere cordiality, are certainly more impressive than much elaborate
waving of hands and bowing.
SPECIAL INTRODUCTIONS
It is, of course, an established rule that a man should always be
presented to a lady. But the rule does not hold true when a lady is
presented to some gentleman of exceptionally high and distinguished
position. Thus, if a lady is presented to the President of the United
States, or to an ex-President, or prince, duke, or archduke, the
gentleman's name is mentioned first. Another exception to the rule is
when unmarried ladies are presented to important members of the clergy,
such as the bishop or archbishop; here also the gentleman's name is
mentioned first.
There is only one great exception to the rule that all unmarried women
are presented to matrons: all women, no matter whether they are young
unmarried women or elderly matrons, are introduced _to_ the wife of the
President of the United States.
There are several exceptions to the rule that all young and unmarried
men be presented to older men. First, there is the President of the
United States, to whom all men, young and old, are presented.
Similarly, a host in his own home is always mentioned first. A member
of a royal and reigning family is never presented to anyone unless it
is someone of higher royalty; all introductions are made to him. A
guest of honor at an entertainment is also given the distinction of
having all guests presented to him.
WHEN THE NAME ISN'T HEARD
It very often happens, in making introductions, that one does not quite
understand the name murmured by the one who is making the introduction.
There is absolutely no reason to become flustered and embarrassed.
Simply smile or nod in acknowledgment, and say, "I beg your pardon, I
did not catch your name." Or one might say, "I am sorry, but I did not
catch the name." Profuse apologies are not good form; in fact, they are
entirely out of place, for the fault lies completely with the man or
woman who has made the introduction. Address yourself to the stranger,
when you wish the name to be repeated, and make your request simply,
directly and with calm dignity. Do not show either by haste or
embarrassment that you are ill at ease because the name escaped you.
Many times it is the fault of the people who are being introduced that
they do not understand the names. They do not listen for them. It is
one of the secrets of social success, if there can be anything secret
about a thing so obvious, to be able to remember names correctly.
People in business realize this and salesmen devote special time to
training themselves to remember the names of their customers.
A very bad fault is to attempt to guess at a name when it is not heard
distinctly. It is perfectly correct to ask: "Did Mrs. Roberts call you
Miss Gray?" But never address the young lady as Miss Gray if you have
the least doubt as to whether or not that was the name given. Her name
may be Graham, or Grayerson! It is much wiser to ask and be correct,
than to guess and be corrected.
THE CORRECT INTRODUCTION
Let us now consider the correct forms for the general introduction. For
all ordinary occasions the simple form, "Mrs. Johns, let me present Mr.
Brown," is the best. Because it is brief, direct and simple it may be
used effectively on almost any occasion. In introducing men to women,
the woman's name is invariably spoken first, and the gentleman is
presented to her. Several phrases that are quite generally used in
social circles are: "Mrs. A, allow me to introduce Mr. B," or "Mrs. A,
Mr. B wishes to be presented to you," or "Mrs. A, may I present Mr. B?"
Such phrases as "Let me make you acquainted with" and "I want you to
shake hands with" are awkward and altogether too casual. They should
never be used.
When there is a great difference in the ages of two women, the younger
is presented to the elder. Thus, if Mrs. Brown is an elderly matron,
and Mrs. Smith is a recent bride, one would say: "Mrs. Brown, let me
present Mrs. Smith." An unmarried woman is always presented to a matron
in this manner: "Mrs. Brown, may I present Miss Jones?" or "Mrs. Brown,
this is Miss Jones." When it is hard to decide which of two married
women is older, one may give due reference to both by introducing in
this most satisfactory manner: "Mrs. Brown, let me present Mrs. Smith;
Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Brown."
Similar distinctions are made in the introducing of two gentlemen.
Where there is no difference in age, title or dignity, the introduction
may be merely: "Mr. White, Mr. Jones." A young man is presented to an
older man, a bachelor to a married man. However, if the bachelor is a
venerable old gentleman, a married man is presented to him, in
deference to his age. Citizens without official distinction are
invariably presented to senators, judges, governors, etc.
When introducing a friend to one's parents it is correct to say,
"Mother, may I present Miss Smith?" or "Mother, this is Mr. Jones." The
friend is always introduced to the mother first, then to the father.
Other relatives are introduced in the order of their age and position
in the family.
In presenting a relative whose name is the same as your own it is
unnecessary to repeat the name. For instance, "Miss Daniels, do you
know my sister, Mildred?" or "Miss Daniels, may I present my brother,
Harry?" If the name is different particular pains should be taken to
pronounce it. "Miss Daniels, this is my sister, Mrs. Graham." Or, "Miss
Daniels, may I present my brother, Mr. Franklin?"
GROUP INTRODUCTIONS
It is considered bad form to interrupt a conversation to introduce a
newcomer. Always wait until the conversation has subsided before you
venture to present a stranger to a group of people.
The best way to introduce a gentleman to a group of guests is to
mention the names only, in this manner: "Mr. Jones--Miss Smith, Miss
Roberts, Mr. Frank and Mr. Brown." Or one might say, "Mr. Jones, let me
introduce you to----" and then give the names of the guests in the
group, being sure to mention the ladies first.
A lady is introduced to a group of people in the same manner. It is
indicative of bad taste to conduct a young lady around a large room and
introduce her individually to each stranger. Gentlemen should always be
taken to her to be presented to her. It is only when the young lady is
a _débutante_ or a youthful member of society that she is conducted
across a room to be presented to some elderly dowager or to the guest
of honor. It is inconsiderate to present any one person to a great
number of others all at once. It is not only embarrassing but the task
of remembering anyone of the people introduced is hopeless.
THE CHANCE INTRODUCTION
Before we go any further in the correct forms for introductions, we
will offer a word of caution that should be carefully heeded. Never
introduce people to each other unless you are quite certain that it
will be agreeable to both. For instance, if two young women of your
acquaintance have been attending the same church for several years and
yet do not greet or recognize each other, it may be assumed that they
have a reason for remaining strangers. In such a case, an introduction
could only be painful to both.
An introduction is not merely a trivial convention--a duty that must be
attended to. It is an important ceremony, the very corner-stone of
friendship. To be formally introduced is to have a certain demand on
one's future good graces and friendliness. Thus, it is bad taste to
introduce rashly and indiscriminately.
Assuming that you have no reason to believe that they do not wish to
know each other, this is the best form to employ in introducing two
young women, both of whom you meet at the same time: "Miss Jones, Miss
Smith." This form should invariably be used in making public
introductions, at church, the theater, the opera, etc. If the name of
one of the young women has been forgotten, one may say, "I'm afraid I
have forgotten your name," or "Forgive me, but I cannot recall your
name just now." As soon as the required information is given, the
introduction may proceed as above.
INCOMPLETE INTRODUCTIONS
Some careless hostesses neglect to complete introductions. This causes
embarrassment for both, or all, people concerned, and reflects
discreditably on the hostess.
Who has not heard the otherwise charming hostess greet a friend
cordially in this manner: "Oh, how-do-you-do, my dear! Let me introduce
Mrs. Allen, Mrs. Baker and Mr. Carter." The young person who has just
arrived can hardly avoid feeling a bit confused, and perhaps a bit
slighted. And the people to whom this introduction was made will
certainly feel embarrassed when they meet the stranger again and must
ask his or her name.
Another type of incomplete introduction is to draw two strangers into
conversation by saying casually: "Mrs. Roberts, Mrs. Jones was at the
opera last night and heard the same pianist you heard two weeks ago."
This is hardly sufficient. The remark should have been either preceded
or followed by a _bona fide_ introduction, though the smile and
bow of the hostess as she speaks may be so cordial as to remove
whatever feeling of constraint there might have been.
The incomplete introduction is careless and unkind. The hostess is
unfair to her guests if she does not make each introduction definite
and formal, if she does not pronounce clearly the names of both people
to be presented to each other.
INDIRECT INTRODUCTIONS
The indirect introduction is entirely different from the incomplete
introduction. The former is often necessary and purposely resorted to;
the latter is invariably a mistake or the result of carelessness.
When it is desirable to draw another into conversation, then the
hostess may make an indirect introduction to avoid stiffness and
constraint. Thus, while conversing with one guest, she may turn to
another and say: "Mrs. Blank, Mrs. Smith was just telling us about the
famous picture that was brought recently to America. Have you seen it?"
The purpose of the hostess will be achieved, for the guest addressed
will join the conversation, although there has been no formal
introduction.
When two people are brought together in this manner, the question of
whether or not they continue their acquaintanceship depends entirely
upon themselves. In taking leave of each other, women who have been
only semi-introduced may nod or shake hands as they please. It is not
necessary to seek out a woman to whom one has been indirectly
introduced in order to take leave of her. If the semi-introduction is
between a man and woman, the woman must either nod first, or offer her
hand first, in leave-taking. It is the sign of her willingness to be
formally introduced.
THE ACKNOWLEDGMENT
A courteous acknowledgment is essential to every introduction. It is
not enough to chant a stilted phrase each time the hostess presents you
to a stranger. Parrot-like repetition will make you appear dull and
ordinary. But to make gracious, cordial acknowledgments is to gain the
immediate sympathy and friendliness of those to whom you have been
introduced.
The stiff formal bow is quickly losing all its prestige in the best
social circles. In its place is the warm, cordial handclasp, or the
friendly smile and inclination of the head. The bow is only acceptable
when a stranger is presented to a group of guests. And even then it
should consist merely of a nod and genial smile that includes the
entire company.
A hostess rises to receive all introductions, and offers her hand both
to men and women. But a woman guest retains her place when introduced
to a gentleman, or when she is one of a group to whom a woman guest is
presented. However, if the stranger is introduced to her individually,
she rises in acknowledgment. Other occasions that require the woman of
culture to rise are when she is being introduced to the hostess, to an
elderly or distinguished gentleman, to a guest of honor, or to an
elderly woman.
A gentleman invariably stands when introduced. If the introduction
takes place out of doors, he is expected to lift his hat and bow
slightly. When introduced to a lady, he must wait until she takes the
initiative in offering him her hand. If she does not offer her hand in
acknowledgment of the introduction, he may merely nod, lift his hat,
and offer a word or two of gracious pleasure at having been introduced
to her.
FORMS OF ACKNOWLEDGMENT
The hostess extends her hand and says cordially, "I am delighted to
know you Mrs. Brown," or, "Mrs. Brown, I am most pleased to meet you."
"How do you do, Mrs. Brown," is used a great deal.
On being presented to a lady, a gentleman might say, "Delighted to know
you, Miss Jones," or "Miss Jones, I am very glad indeed to meet you."
The correct form to use when one man is introduced to another is
usually, "How do you do?" although a great many men like to use the
expression, "I'm very glad to meet you." A young woman introduced to a
matron might say, "This is a pleasure indeed, Mrs. Rogers." A gentleman
might acknowledge an introduction to a lady by saying, "I am pleased to
know you, Mrs. Jones," or simply, "How do you do, Mrs. Jones?" It is
not so much a question of what is said as of how it is said.
It happens, sometimes, that a hostess unknowingly will introduce to
each other two men, or two women, who have long been on unfriendly
terms. To ignore each other completely under such circumstances would
be a breach of good conduct, and an embarrassment to everyone
concerned. It is certainly wiser, if not more agreeable, to nod as
though one were a stranger, and later tactfully avoid the man or woman
whose company you do not wish to share.
The acknowledgment to an introduction is important. It is the first
impression the stranger gains of you, and it is your duty to make it a
good--and lasting one.
It is always best to repeat the name--in fact, the repeating of the
name is all that is necessary--since it gives an opportunity for
correction if the person to whom the introduction was made
misunderstood it. For example, when the hostess says, "Mrs. Davis, let
me present Mrs. Raymond," the ladies may bow politely, each murmuring
the name of the other.
FUTURE RECOGNITION OF INTRODUCTION
With introductions made as hurriedly and haphazardly as they are
to-day, at large receptions and balls, it is often puzzling to
determine whether or not one should greet a certain new acquaintance at
the next meeting. There are certain definite rules that may be followed
with confidence.
It is important to remember that the first intimation of recognition
after an introduction must always come from the lady. A gentleman does
not offer his hand, nor does he bow or nod to the lady he has met only
once before until she has made the first movement. The privilege of
continuing or ending the acquaintanceship rests with her.
As a general rule, one bows to all those whom one has met at dinner,
luncheon or breakfast. It is also usual to greet those with whom one
may have drunk tea at a reception, and with whom one may have played a
game of tennis or golf. Incomplete introductions require no future
recognition, unless the people introduced desire to cultivate a
friendship.
If two people are presented to each other for the second time, polite
acknowledgment must be made. It is not necessary, though often it is
pleasant, to recall a former introduction, especially if one feels sure
that the other will have no difficulty in recollecting the occasion. It
is the duty of the gentleman to recall a previous introduction. He may
say, "I think I have had the pleasure of meeting Miss Stone last week,"
or, "Miss Stone and I have already been introduced." If two ladies are
presented to each other for the second time, the younger or unmarried
one incurs the duty of recalling the first introduction. "I have
already met Mrs. Jessup," is a form that may be used on any occasion.
INTRODUCING AT DINNER
At a formal or informal dinner, the host and hostess must make all
guests known to one another before leading the company to the table. It
is neither graceful nor good form to introduce after the guests are
seated.
The secret of correct introduction at dinner is to avoid all obvious
efforts to present certain guests to one another. For instance, it is
not the best form to interrupt a conversation and draw a young man to
another part of the room to present him to a young lady. Nor is it
necessary for the hostess to incommode herself by rising, during the
course of the dinner, to greet a late-comer and make him known to the
other guests. She may merely nod to him, accept his excuse for
tardiness with a gracious smile or word of welcome, and retain all
introductions until later in the evening when the guests have assembled
in the drawing-room.
Sometimes, at a very large formal dinner, it is not possible for the
host and hostess to introduce every guest. In this case it is necessary
to introduce only the gentlemen and ladies who are to go in together to
table. Later, when the ladies gather in the drawing-room, the clever
hostess will contrive to make all her guests known to each other; and
when the gentlemen join them after their cigars, both host and hostess
may adroitly conclude the introductions. However, it is also good form
for the host to make his complete introductions while the gentlemen are
having their after-dinner smoke and chat, and for the hostess to make
her introductions in the drawing-room among the ladies. The gentlemen
may then be presented to the ladies during the course of the evening.
If there is a distinguished guest, or a guest of honor, for whom the
dinner is given, all guests must be presented to him at some time
during the evening. If the introductions cannot be completely achieved
before dinner, the host and hostess may continue them when the guests
reassemble in the drawing-room.
INTRODUCING AT THE DANCE
When a ball or dance is given in honor of a _débutante_ daughter, or
in honor of a visiting guest, the hostess, on receiving her guests,
presents them to the honored person who stands at her side. During the
course of the dance itself, the host and hostess, as well as the
members of their family, make all the introductions they can without
inconveniencing either their guests or themselves.
At a private dance the host and hostess must constantly contrive to
present gentlemen to ladies, so that there will always be new partners
for each dance. If it is a very small dance, the strictly formal
introduction is rarely performed; the girls introduce their partners to
their particular friends, and the young men present their friends to
their partners without asking permission to do so.
At a very large, formal ball or dance, it is good form to ask
permission of a lady before presenting a gentleman to her. It is
certainly the safest and most satisfactory way, and reflects good taste
and courtesy both on the part of the gentleman who wishes to be
introduced and the gentleman who is the medium of introduction.
The gentleman who escorts a lady to a dance has a very distinct duty
with regard to introductions. He must present to her, at various
intervals during the dance, as many of his masculine friends as he
feels she would welcome as partners. At a public ball, he invariably
asks her permission to make these introductions, as he does also at a
very large formal ball. But if the young lady is a friend of long
standing, and his own comrades personal friends for whom he can vouch,
it is not necessary to request formally the lady's permission before
making the introductions.
At public balls, the reception committee presents each guest to the
guest of honor. If there is no guest of honor, the committee merely
welcomes the guests, and leaves the duty of introduction to chaperons
and escorts. Patronesses and reception committees are not obligated in
any way to make introductions at subscriptions or public balls, though
it often helps to make the affair more pleasant when they take part in
presentations.
INTRODUCING AT RECEPTIONS
The hostess of an afternoon or evening reception presents each guest
who arrives to the guest of honor or _débutante_ daughter, who
stands at her side and receives with her. She may not leave her post at
the door to make introductions, but she may present as many guests to
one another as is possible without leaving her place.
The wise hostess always has several feminine members of her family to
assist her in making guests known to one another. These young women may
introduce any strangers in the company. The ladies in charge of the
refreshments in the dining room may also speak without introduction to
guests of either sex, in order to offer tea, chocolate or bonbons. They
are privileged to make introductions whenever it is in their power to
do so.
A committee is usually appointed to receive the guests at a public
reception. The committee, or part of it, stands by the door to receive
each guest formally, and introductions are made merely by having a
liveried servant announce the name in a loud, clear voice. The guest
bows to the committee, and considers himself introduced. Then the
committee may be addressed by the stranger who desires further
introductions to other guests. It is important, at these public
receptions that the committee in charge perform as nearly as possible
the duty of host and hostess.
SPEAKING WITHOUT INTRODUCTION
Some people who pride themselves upon being well-bred make themselves
appear actually ludicrous by being highly indignant when addressed by
someone to whom they have not been introduced. Surely in this world of
good-fellowship and open-hearted friendliness it is ridiculous to seal
one's mouth and be aloof, merely because one has not been formally
presented!
There is, for instance, the gentleman one sits next to on the steamer
deck. A lady, of course, may not on any condition address a gentleman
whom she does not know, nor may a gentleman address a lady who is a
stranger to him. But when two men are sitting side-by-side on a steamer
deck, both glorying in the solemn dignity of the sea, and the wide
expanse of sky, it would be petty indeed to refrain from conversation.
If a friendship is to be developed later, a formal introduction may be
sought; but for the present, though they have never been presented to
each other, the men may enjoy a conversation without feeling that they
are trespassing beyond the boundaries of etiquette.
Similarly, the lady traveling across country may comment upon the
splendid open stretches of country, the hazy impressiveness of the
mountains in the distance and the surprising beauty of the train's
smoke against the azure sky, to the lady sitting opposite her, even
though they have never been introduced. And they may carry on quite a
delightful conversation without being formally presented to each other.
There can be nothing quite as shallow as refusing to answer, or
answering coldly, the person who addresses you in a spirit of
friendliness, merely because there have been no formal introductions.
One must have vision enough to see that what is correct in the ballroom
would be strained and narrow in the shadow of the huge mountains where
men and women of every social standing gather to enjoy the same
glorious bigness of things.
INTRODUCING CHILDREN
It is important for children to be taught early the significance and
value of formal introductions. But parents must carefully avoid all
suggestion of snobbishness in their young sons and daughters. There is
an amusing story related of a certain little English lad who was
visiting in America with his father, who happened to be a member of the
House of Lords. The youngster had a well developed case of
snobbishness.
At an afternoon reception given in honor of his father, the boy was
introduced to several young Americans, invited especially for his
benefit. During the course of the afternoon, the hostess noticed that
he was sitting off to one side, avoiding the other young guests. W
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