The History and Records of the Elephant Club
by Edward F. Underhill · English · Gutenberg #32274 · 401,860 chars · public domain (US)
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Title: The History and Records of the Elephant Club
Author: Edward F. Underhill
Q. K. Philander Doesticks
Illustrator: John McLenan
Release date: May 7, 2010 [eBook #32274]
Language: English
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[Illustration:
HISTORY AND RECORDS
OF THE
ELEPHANT CLUB.
With
ILLUSTRATIONS BY
John McLenan
NEW YORK
LIVERMORE & RUDD.]
The
HISTORY AND RECORDS
OF THE
ELEPHANT CLUB;
COMPILED FROM AUTHENTIC DOCUMENTS
NOW IN POSSESSION OF THE
Zoölogical Society.
BY
Knight Russ Ockside, M.D.,
AND
Q.K. Philander Doesticks, P.B.
New York:
Livermore & Rudd, Publishers,
310 Broadway,
1857.
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1836, by
Livermore & Rudd,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the
Southern District of New York.
W.H. Tinson, Stereotyper.
Geo. Russell & Co., Printers,
61 Beekman-Street, N.Y.
THIS IS THE VERITABLE AND VERACIOUS HISTORY OF THE DOINGS
AND MISDOINGS OF THE MEMBERS OF
THE ELEPHANT CLUB.
WITH A MINUTE AND PARTICULAR NARRATIVE OF WHAT THEY DID;
TO WHICH IS ADDED A COMPLEX AND ELABORATE DESCRIPTION OF WHAT THEY DIDN'T.
CONTAINING ALSO THE EXULTANT RECORD OF THEIR
MEMORABLE SUCCESS IN EVENTUALLY OBTAINING, EACH AND EVERY
ONE, A SIGHT OF THE ENTIRE AND UNADULTERATED
ANIMAL,
FROM THE PRIMITIVE HAIR ON HIS ATTENUATED PROBOSCIS, TO THE
LAST KINK OF HIS SYMMETRICAL TAIL.
COMPILED
BY ME,
KNIGHT RUSS OCKSIDE, M.D.,
AND ME,
Q.K. PHILANDER DOESTICKS, P.B.
PREFACE.
This book has been written by the Authors, and printed by the
Publishers, in the hope that it may be purchased by the Public. If it
proves to be a failure, the responsibility must rest with the People who
don't buy it.
CONTENTS.
HOW THEY MET.
PAGE
What there wasn't--What there was--A fancied recognition--Singular
coincidences--Preamble and resolution--A third party--A fourth
party--Accusation of petty larceny--Satisfactory explanation--Spirits
in the closet--A mysterious letter--Alarm of Boggs--More mystery--A
murder anticipated--The reason why--A perplexing predicament--A
philanthropist discovered--A general embrace--An astonishing
statement 11
HOW THE CLUB ORGANIZED.
The second meeting--A learned dissertation--A document--Rules--Preliminary
speeches and criticisms--Order of business--An election--Congratulations
--The dinner 35
THE ELEPHANTINE DEN.
Its location--The furniture and its arrangements--A sentinel
elected--Punishment for intrusion--Resolutions adopted 47
FIRST DISCOVERIES OF THE CLUB.
A new character--A glimpse at the animal--A tall talker--A
proposal--Discovery of a group of street-statuary--A pistol-gallery
--Bowling-alley--The oriental elephant--Novel pipes--Oriental
experience--A member frightened--A new character--Playing
Turk--Ceremony of initiation--Art in conchology--Astonishment of
Johnny Cake--Engine No. 32-1/4.--The rope breaks--Hose 24-3/8--The
race--Mixed-up spectacle--A general row after the fight--The Club
resolved 55
FIRST EVENING WITH THE CLUB.
Preliminary proceedings--Bobington Thomas confesses his profession--Thomas
and his dogs--New York dog-pound--Thomas accepts silver--Mr.
James George Boggs--Johnny Cake's railroad experience--A malignant
conductor--A passenger sings--A second passenger wakes and joins in
the chorus--Song interrupted by an accident--Results of the accident--Train
in motion--The song finished--Johnny Cake's abstinence--First
experience in Gotham--Curious coincident--Wagstaff's note book--The
elephant seen--Members initiated 83
THE COLORED CAMP MEETING.
A dense smoke--Resolutions, preparations--The journey--Queer specimens
of Religion--Corn whisky--Effects of a hymn--Return to Gotham 132
FURTHER DISCOVERIES.
Order enforced--Boggs practises the art of self-defence--Successful fight
with the stove--Unsuccessful fight with the nigger--Quackenbush keeps late
hours--Deacon Pettingill on a bender--Is taken to a gambling-house--Loans
and loses ten dollars--Persecution of a corner grocery-man--A
gunpowder plot--More of the Dutchman's troubles--Cousin Betsy--Love,
pride and poverty--Mr. Buxton and the nigger--Shanghae coat--A gratuitous
baptism--Conflict between Buxton and the darkey 146
THE CLUB IN AN UPROAR.
South-ferry stages--Beginning of mishaps--The military--The Lager Bier
Invincibles--The fat gentleman--Old maid faints--Battle of Broadway--An
Irish funeral procession--One cent short--The journey's end--Overdale's
juggling--Johnny Cake drunk--An examination of Johnny's companion--How
he lived 188
JOHNNY CAKE'S FIRST SPREE.
Johnny's fall--He goes into the Bowery--An artistic barkeeper--The fly--A
Kansas official--Johnny Cake's delusion--A Chatham street auction--Johnny's
sensation--The gift enterprise--Dropper's dream and hopes of
success--The realization--Who didn't win 212
THE POLICE COURTS.
Visit to Essex Market--Peculiarities of Edward Bobber--Palmerston hook
the eel-catcher--The poet in Limbo--Warbles moralises--A German
witness--The oath--Disturbed by cats--Mysterious caterwaulings--The mystery
explained--Bad liquor--A Tombs lawyer--His retainer--An Irish
wake--An eccentric corpse--A free fight--The corpse in court--The case
concluded--Timothy Mulrooney--Michael's virtues--Timothy's cat--Mr.
Blobb--A knowing officer--Old Dog Tray--Blobb discharged--Quackenbush
confesses--Quackenbush forgiven 231
THE HAMLET NIGHT.
Attempt to swindle the darling public--The ghost--A small Hamlet and
large Queen--The ghost in an overcoat--The death scene--Overdale's
ideas--An unappreciative boy--Inconsistencies--Clockwork legs--A
complicated case 289
MRS. THROUGHBY DAYLIGHT'S FANCY DRESS JAM.
A complicated case--Mr. Spout's offer--Dropper bewildered--Spout expatiates
upon the genius of Brown--The Turk and Choctaw--The fancy dress jam--The
Elephants at the fancy dress jam--The result 304
CONCLUSION.
The club in danger--Resolutions--The records of the club--Their
compilation--The last of the Elephant Club 318
HISTORY AND RECORDS.
HOW THEY MET.
[Enter with a Flourish of Trumpets.]
SHAKESPEARE.
[Illustration]
THERE were _no_ two horses to be seen winding along the base of a
precipitous hill; and there were _no_ dark-looking riders on those
horses which were not to be seen; and it _wasn't_ at the close of a
dusky autumn evening; and the setting sun _didn't_ gild, with his
departing rays, the steep summit of the mountain tops; and the gloomy
cry of the owl was _not_ to be heard from the depths of a neighboring
forest--first, because there _wasn't_ any neighboring forest, and,
second, because the owl was in better business, having, some hours
before, gone to bed, it now being broad daylight. The mountain tops, the
lofty summits, the inaccessible precipices, the precipitous descents,
the descending inaccessibilities, and the usual quantity of
insurmountable landscape, which forms the stereotyped opening to popular
romances, is here omitted by particular request.
The time and place to which the unfortunate reader's attention is
particularly called, are four o'clock of a melting afternoon in August,
and a labyrinth of bricks and mortar, yclept Gotham. The majority of the
inhabitants of the aforesaid place, at the identical time herein
referred to, were perspiring; others were sweltering; still others were
melting down into their boots, and the remainder were dying from
sun-stroke.
At this time, a young gentleman seated himself behind the front window
of the reading and smoking-room of the Shanghae Hotel, in Broadway. The
chair he occupied was capacious, and had been contrived originally, by
ingenious mechanics, for the purpose of inducing laziness. The gentleman
had taken possession of this article of furniture for the double purpose
of resting himself from the fatigues of a month's inactivity, and also
securing a position where he could see the ladies pass and repass, in
hopes that the sight might dispel the dull monotony of a hotel life in
the city, during summer. On this occasion, to secure additional ease,
the individual had adopted the American attitude of raising his feet to
a level with his head, by placing them upon a cast-iron fender behind
the window--an attitude, by the way, not particularly characterized by
its classic grace.
There was nothing remarkable in the dress of the person to whom we have
alluded. He was evidently a victim to the popular insanity of conforming
to fashion. So strictly were his garments cut and made in accordance
with the prevailing style, no one could doubt for a moment that the
taste, or want of taste, manifested in his dress, was not his own, but
the tailor's. In his hand he held a small cane, with which he amused
himself, first, by biting the ivory head, then by making it turn
summer-saults through the fingers of his right hand, after the manner
in which Hibernians are supposed to exercise their shillelahs.
Whether the activity in the streets, the appearance of the ladies with
every variety of dress, or the gymnastic eccentricities of his cane,
were particularly entertaining, is very questionable; certain it is,
that the expression of his eyes showed gradually less and less of
animation. By degrees his eyelids closed. His head soon vibrated with an
irregular motion, until it found a support against the back of the
chair. His hat fell from his head, and his cane dropped from his
fingers. His muscles became fully relaxed. He was, undeniably, asleep.
He had been sleeping nearly a half hour, when an individual, who was
walking leisurely down Broadway, casually glanced in the window of the
Shanghae, where our first person singular was sleeping, with more
seeming comfort than real elegance of position. He seemed struck with
the appearance of the sleeper, and pausing for a brief time to survey
his form, contorted, as it was, into all sorts of geometrical
irregularities, curves, angles, and indescribable shapes, he entered the
hotel, passed around into the room where the sleeper was, and did not
stop until at his side. He again stood for a moment, silently
contemplating the form and features of the sleep-bound stranger.
The second person was also singular. He was, apparently, about
twenty-five years of age, with a full, florid, and expressive face. His
body was quite rotund, even to corpulency; and, save a heavy moustache,
his face was closely shaven. His clothes were of the thinnest material,
and well adapted to secure comfort during the hot season. His
expression, as he stood watching the first person singular, seemed full
of doubt. At last, as if determined to remain in doubt no longer, he
touched the somnolent first person lightly on the shoulder. First person
singular opened his eyes with a spasmodic start, stared wildly about him
for a moment, until his eyes rested upon the disturber of his slumbers.
"Excuse me, sir," said second person singular, "but an irresistible
impulse led me to awaken you. The fact is, sir, a few years since, I had
an intimate friend who was lost at sea, and such is the resemblance you
bear to him, the thought struck me that you might be he. Were you ever
lost at sea, sir?"
First person singular looked with some little astonishment upon his
interrogator. He wiped the perspiration from his forehead, assumed an
erect position in his chair, and replied:
"I don't think I ever was."
"It may have been your brother," said second person singular.
"It couldn't have been, for I never had a brother. By the way, I did
have an uncle who, on one occasion, when hunting in Illinois, some
fifteen years since, was lost on a prairie. Perhaps it's that
circumstance to which you refer?"
"No, it was at sea. I'm sorry, sir, that I disturbed your sleep."
"You needn't be," was the reply, "for I went to sleep without intending
to do so."
"Do you ever imbibe?" was the next interrogation.
First person singular said he was guilty of no small vices, though he
didn't care if he did take a brandy smash. The parties then adjourned to
the inner temple of the Shanghae. Second person singular ordered the
smash for his companion, and a sherry cobbler (so called from its
supposed potency in patching up the human frame, when it is about
falling to pieces under the influence of weather of a high temperature)
for himself. A succession of singular coincidences followed. Each party
suggested at the same moment, that it was confoundedly hot in the sun.
Both simultaneously imbibed. Each said he felt better after it, and each
undoubtedly told the truth. Both arose at the same instant, inquired who
the other was, whereupon two autobiographies were extemporized in brief.
They disclosed the following facts. First person singular's name was
Myndert Van Dam; he was a descendent of one of the Dutch families who
originally colonized Manhattan Island. He had been three years absent in
Europe, and on returning a few weeks before, found most of his
acquaintances had left the city on account of the hot weather, and his
experience had been one of uninterrupted dullness. Second person
singular rejoiced in the appellation of John Spout. His genealogy was
obscure, but so far as he could learn, he was descended in a direct line
from his great grandfather on his mother's side. If his ancestry had
ever done anything which would entitle their names to a place in
history, it was very certain that historians had failed to do their
duty: for he had never found the name of Spout recorded in connection
with great deeds, from the robbing of a hen roost down to cowhiding a
Congressman. He was by profession an apothecary, and was laying off for
a few weeks' relaxation. Mr. Spout concluded his personal narrative by
suggesting the following proposition:
_Whereas_, We have demolished a smash, and annihilated a cobler;
_Resolved_, That we now proceed to devastate a couple of segars.
[Illustration]
Mr. Spout adopted the resolution unanimously, and by a further singular
coincidence, they lighted their segars, and left the place for a
promenade. A brisk rain beginning to fall, they sheltered themselves
under an awning. A pair of gold spectacles containing a tall, sharp
featured man, adorned with an unshaven face and a brigandish hat,
approached them, and asked Mr. Spout for a light. Mr. Spout acquiesced.
The party in attempting to return the cigar, accidentally touched the
lighted end to Mr. Spout's hand, and not only burned his hand slightly,
but knocked the cigar out of the fingers of third party; whereupon, Mr.
Spout extemporized a moderate swear. Third party apologized, and offered
a cigar to Spout and Van Dam from his own cigar-case, which they
accepted; and he hoped that in their future acquaintance, should they
feel disposed to continue it, he would not again involuntarily burn
their fingers. He announced himself to be Mr. Remington Dropper, a two
years' importation from Cincinnati, and a book-keeper in the heavy
hardware house of Steel, Banger & Co., down town.
"Mr. Dropper," said Spout, "I am happy to have made your acquaintance.
My name is Spout--John Spout--chemist and apothecary, with Pound &
Mixem, No. 34, opposite the whisky-shop. Allow me to make you acquainted
with my old and valued friend Mr.---- Mr.---- what the devil did you say
your name is?" said he, addressing Van Dam, aside.
"Myndert Van Dam," suggested the gentleman speaking for himself.
"Yes," resumed Spout, "Myndert Van Dam."
As they shook hands, Mr. Dropper's attention was called in another
direction. He desired his companions to notice the fact that a man was
approaching with his umbrella, and having bought and lost too many
articles of that description, he should not stand unmoved, and see the
last one vanish from his sight.
[Illustration]
An individual of small stature, apparently about forty-five years of
age, with hair of an undeniable, though not an undyeable red approached,
holding over his head a silk umbrella.
Mr. Dropper stepped forward and confronted him. He said he was aware
that if every man were compelled to account for the possession of that
which he claimed as his own, the world would hear some rich
developments, in a moral point of view, respecting the tenure of
property; and it was precisely for this reason that he had stopped him
in the street. He inquired of fat party with the silk umbrella, if he
saw the point of his remark. Fat party confessed his inability to
comprehend its intent. Mr. Dropper then proceeded to state that when he
called fat party's attention to the subject of titles to property in
general, he did suppose that fat party would be led to ask himself
whether he had a legal and equitable title to the umbrella in particular
which he was then under. Fat party fancied that he _did_ perceive a
lurking innuendo that he had stolen somebody's umbrella. Mr. Dropper was
gratified to discover fat party's readiness of comprehension; at his
request fat party brought down the umbrella, which discovered the
following words painted conspicuously on the cloth outside:
"STOLEN FROM R. DROPPER."
Mr. Dropper insisted that there was the evidence, "R. Dropper," meaning
Remington Dropper--Remington Dropper being himself--"Stolen from R.
Dropper," by whom?--He would not assert positively that fat party was a
hall-thief, but he would say and he did say, that his umbrella was found
in fat party's possession, without his permission. Some old
stick-in-the-mud had said somewhere, to somebody, sometime, that an
honest confession was good for the soul, and if fat party would
acknowledge the unbuilt whisky, he wouldn't appear against him on his
trial for petty larceny. Fat party repudiated the idea that he was a
thief. As far as Mr. Dropper's recollection assisted him he had always
noticed that the biggest rascals protested their innocence the most
emphatically. Fat party appealed to Mr. Dropper's magnanimity to hear
his explanation, which Mr. Dropper consented to do.
The explanation developed the fact that fat party was Mr. James George
Boggs, late of the Department of the Interior, at Washington, who had
arrived that afternoon in the city with his sister, Mrs. Banger, wife of
Mr. Banger, of the firm of Steel, Banger & Co., who, it is already
stated, were Mr. Dropper's employers. They went directly to Mr. Banger's
counting-room, and whilst there it commenced to rain; Mr. Banger offered
Mr. Boggs Dropper's umbrella to walk up with, Boggs accepted it, and on
his way up had been stopped on suspicion of theft.
Dropper made a humiliating apology, swore eternal friendship to Boggs,
introduced him to Van Dam and Spout, and invited the party to his room
to spoil a snifter from his private bottle. They accepted the invitation
with commendable alacrity, and soon arrived at Mr. Dropper's cozy
apartment, which was situated on one of the streets intersecting
Broadway. At Mr. Dropper's request, they seated themselves in a circle
around the table, with the view of calling up the spirits, but whether
saintly or satanic, the compilers of these records do not venture an
opinion. After sitting three minutes and twenty seconds in solemn
silence, it was discovered that Dropper was a medium, as he was enabled
to bring up the spirits in tangible and unmistaken shape from his
closet, and forthwith communications of a very satisfactory character
were made to the circle. Indeed, the opinion was very generally
expressed, that the spirits were genuine spirits, and the medium an
excellent test medium, through which they should delight, in future, to
have further communications.
As they finished their wine a knock was heard at the door. Dropper
responded with a "Come in." An Irish servant put her head within the
apartment:
"Plase, sir," said she, "I have a caird here that a gintleman at the
door towld me to give to the red-headed gintleman as just come in."
Dropper viewed the card, and the four looked at each other for a moment,
apparently with a view of discovering who it was that answered the
description of a "red-headed gintleman." At last, Boggs spoke.
"I think it must be me," said he, receiving the card from Dropper, and
reading aloud, from the back of it, as follows:
"Sir, an old acquaintance desires to see you for a moment, in
relation to a matter involving your own interest."
"Show him up," said Dropper, "it will only make one more--that is, if
Boggs is agreed."
Mr. Boggs had no objections to such course being taken, though he was
deeply puzzled to know who the old acquaintance could be.
In a moment, the servant introduced into the room a tall, spare
individual, of about thirty-two years of age. He was ordinarily attired,
and, though not seedy, his garments were by no means new. His face was
closely shaven, and surrounded by a large standing collar. He looked
around the room upon the different parties present, until his eyes
rested upon Boggs. He then ventured to speak.
[Illustration]
"Gentlemen," said he, "excuse this interruption. The fact is, I have
been seeking this gentleman for nearly three years past, and observing
him in company with you, I could not forbear following to seek a brief
interview."
Boggs turned pale. Visions of cowhides and pistols came before his mind.
"You are perfectly excusable," said Dropper. "We will leave the room, if
you desire."
"N-n-not for all the world," ejaculated Boggs, hastily. "I have not the
slightest objection to your remaining."
"Nor I," said the tall gentleman. "Your name," continued he, addressing
Boggs, "is Johnson, I believe."
Nothing could have relieved Boggs from the suspense under which he was
laboring more than this last remark. The gentleman had evidently
mistaken him for one Johnson, who had, probably, insulted or injured the
tall individual, on some previous occasion. The blush again returned to
Boggs' cheeks.
"You are mistaken," said he, at last. "My name is Boggs."
"Boggs--so it is," said the tall stranger. "My bad memory often leads me
into errors. But the mistake is very natural--Johnson sounds so much
like Boggs; but, whether Johnson or Boggs, you are the individual whom I
seek."
This announcement caused Boggs's courage to again descend into his
boots.
"It is three years since I have seen you," said the tall individual.
"During that length of time, a person would be likely to forget a name.
But your person, sir, that I could never, never forget," continued the
tall man, solemnly, and throwing in a little melo-dramatic action, as
he spoke, which made Boggs shudder.
"C-c-certainly," said Boggs.
"Mr. Boggs," said the stranger, "you probably don't recollect me."
"C-can't say that I do," stammered Boggs.
"That need make no difference," said the stranger, mysteriously. "I know
you."
The stranger then commenced feeling in his coat pockets with his hands.
Boggs sprang to his feet, observing this movement, fully satisfied that
the stranger was seeking his revolver or bowie-knife.
"Sir," said Boggs, hurriedly, "if I have ever unconsciously done you an
injury, I am ready to apologize. I can see no good reason why this
apartment should be made the scene of a sanguinary conflict."
"Sanguinary conflict--apology"--said the other, somewhat astonished. "My
dear sir, the apology is due to you."
Boggs's equanimity was once more restored. "You don't know how happy I
am to hear you say so," said he. "Could you make it convenient to
apologize at once, to fully relieve my mind of the frightful
anticipations?"
"With the greatest pleasure in the world, Mr. Boggs," said the stranger.
"I apologize."
"And I cheerfully forgive you," said Boggs.
"Then you recollect the circumstance, do you?" asked the stranger.
"Hang me if I do," said Boggs.
"Then you forgive me in anticipation."
"Certainly," replied Boggs. "But what the devil were you feeling in your
pockets for so mysteriously?"
"My _porte-monnaie_," replied the stranger, who at length succeeded in
finding the object of his search. He took from it a gold dollar, two
dimes and a cent, and placed them on the table before Boggs. "There,"
said he, "is the sum of one dollar and twenty-one cents, United States
currency, which amount is justly your due."
"What the deuce does all this mean?" asked Boggs, in his bewilderment;
"for between being waylaid in the street, accused of petty larceny,
anticipations of being murdered, receiving apologies for unknown
injuries, and the proffer of money from a total stranger, I hardly know
whether I am standing on my heels or my head."
The mysterious stranger then proceeded to make his explanation.
"About three years ago," said he, "I invited a lady friend to the
theatre. She signified her intention to accept the invitation. In the
evening I called for her, attired in my best, and found her seated in
the parlor attired in _her_ best. We arrived at the theatre. I had taken
with me only a small sum of money--amounting in the aggregate to one
dollar and thirty-seven and a half cents. I took the dollar from my
pocket, and passed it to the ticket-seller, who took occasion to pass it
to me again immediately, and putting his physiognomy before the seven by
nine aperture through which the money goes in and the pasteboard comes
out, he announced to me, in effect, that the bank note aforesaid, of the
denomination of one dollar, was a base imitation. This was a perplexing
position. Had I been the fortunate possessor of another dollar on the
spot, I should not have been troubled. The lady's acquaintance I had but
recently formed. My pride would not permit me to announce to her my true
financial condition at that moment. Between pride and a hurried
contemplation of the prospective frightful results of my monetary
deficiency, I was completely bewildered. I stammered out something about
having nothing with me except two or three shillings and a fifty dollar
bill--the first of which, gentlemen, existed in the innermost recesses
of my vest pocket, and the last in my imagination. I was wondering what
the devil I should do next, when a gentleman with red hair addressed me.
"Good evening, sir," said he, touching his hat, "did you say you have
difficulty in getting a bill changed?" Without waiting for me to speak
he said, "here's a dollar; you can return it to me to-morrow, when you
call at my office to transact that matter of which we were speaking
yesterday. Good evening." I looked in my hand, and found in it two half
dollars and a card, upon which I perceived a name and address written. I
was more bewildered than ever, owing to the unexpected deliverance, from
what a moment before, I had believed to be an inextricable difficulty. I
thought that heaven had deputed some red-haired angel to come to my
relief. Then I doubted whether it was not a dream; but the weight of the
two half dollars satisfied me that the whole thing was a tangible
reality. The difficulty was dissipated, the funds were provided, and the
necessary tickets purchased. Next morning I resolved to visit my
deliverer, and give him my heartfelt thanks and a dollar. As I was about
to leave on my joyful errand, I felt in my pocket for the card; it was
gone. I was horror-stricken. I searched everywhere, but could not find
it. I tried then to recall to my mind the name; but having read it under
considerable excitement, it had not impressed itself upon my memory. I
went to the theatre, in hopes to find it there, but in vain. For three
months, gentlemen, all my spare time was employed in perambulating
Broadway, and standing at the entrance of the theatre, in hopes of
meeting my deliverer. Many are the short and red-haired gentlemen whom I
have vainly pursued. A half hour since, as I was riding down Broadway in
a stage, I saw my deliverer turning the corner of this street, in
company with three other gentlemen. I stopped the stage, gave the driver
a quarter, and without waiting to receive the change, I made a rush for
the stage door, stepped on the silk skirt of a lady passenger, kicked a
fat gentleman on the shins, knocked a baby out of an Irishwoman's lap,
fell, and struck my head against the door, tumbled out, slipped on the
Russ pavement, excited the mirth of the passengers and pedestrians, got
up, and reached the corner just in time to see the party whom I followed
enter this house. I rushed on, and after some little inquiry, succeeded
in attaining this apartment. Gentlemen, Boggs was my deliverer."
"Hurrah for Boggs," shouted Dropper.
"Boggs, you're a philanthropist," said Spout.
"_Vive le Boggs_," said Van Dam.
"Gentlemen," said Boggs, "I protest against your unwarranted
compliments. My dear sir," said he, addressing the stranger, "you only
borrowed a dollar of me, whereas, I perceive you have given me one
dollar and twenty-one cents."
"Three years interest, at seven per cent," suggested the stranger,
"Legally your due, and I insist upon your accepting interest as well as
principal."
Boggs, without further objection pocketed the proffered amount.
"Your case," said Spout, to the stranger; "is one of morbid
concientiousness; so much so that I feel desirous of knowing you
better."
"My name, gentlemen," said the stranger, "is Dusenbury Quackenbush."
A general rush was made toward the stranger. Van Dam seized one hand,
Boggs the other; Spout caught him by the arm, whilst Dropper, who was
the last to reach him, threw his long arms around the whole party. For a
moment there was general commotion, growing out of a fierce shaking of
hands and arms. Each person loudly assured Mr. Quackenbush of the
happiness he felt in having formed his acquaintance. As soon as they had
relieved him from their affectionate welcomings Mr. Quackenbush spoke.
"I am certainly happy to become acquainted with you, gentlemen,"
remarked he, "but really I am fearful I shall not be a very interesting
acquaintance in a _coterie_ of old friends, as you appear to be, and
without doubt are."
"Yes, we are old friends," said Spout, "our friendship is as enduring as
the gullibility of the public, and I might add as ancient
as--as--gentlemen excuse me if I fail in this point to institute an
appropriate comparison. As an astonisher, however, I will inform you of
a fact known only to Mr. Van Dam and myself; and which is, that, two
hours since, not one of the gentlemen of this quintet had ever known
another of it; if I except the case of Mr. Boggs and Mr. Quackenbush."
"Mr. Quackenbush," inquired Spout, "allow me to ask whether you are
acquainted with life in the metropolis in its multiform phases?"
"I confess my ignorance," was the reply. "It is most unfortunate that
the position of a teacher in a public school is one not calculated to
bring an individual in contact with much that is interesting."
"Taking that fact into consideration," said Spout, "I propose, that you
all meet me at my room, two evenings hence, when I shall be prepared to
unfold to you a purpose and a plan, which I have just conceived. My
room, gentlemen, is over old Shavem's, the brokers, three doors from the
corner. The number would be 461-1/2, if there were any on the door. You
can't mistake the place, however; there is an antiquated pump in front,
and when I'm at home there is a Spout inside."
"Oh--h!" groaned Dropper.
"Never mind," resumed Spout, "I don't often attempt such things. Can I
depend upon your coming?"
All gave an affirmative response.
"Then," said Spout, "you can depend upon my going, I pronounce this
meeting adjourned."
After a few words the parties separated.
[Illustration]
HOW THE CLUB ORGANIZED.
Put out the light, and then put.--SHAKSPEARE.
[Illustration]
THE evening arrived on which the gentlemen, named in the last chapter,
were to meet in the room of Mr. John Spout.
Mr. Spout was there, awaiting the arrival of his friends. He was seated
at the end of a table, in a large easy-chair, in his dressing-gown.
Before him, on the table, were several written papers. The apartment was
one of moderate dimensions, neatly carpeted, and, with plenty of
furniture, unobjectionable in quality and taste. On the walls were
suspended various pictures, engravings, fencing-foils, and masks,
boxing-gloves, antique models, Indian ornaments, plaster casts of legs,
arms, hands, feet, &c. On either side of the table were two chairs,
placed there, evidently, in anticipation of the arrival of his friends.
Several pipe-stems protruded from a pasteboard box, which was on the
table. It required no unusual shrewdness to guess at the contents, and
to rightly determine that it was filled with the best-abused, and, at
the same time, best-used weed known.
One by one, the other gentlemen arrived, and were ushered by the
housekeeper into Mr. Spout's apartment. They sat, engaged in discussing
tobacco and the events of the day. At length, Mr. Dropper inquired of
Mr. Spout if he had as yet fully elaborated the idea which, on the
occasion of the previous meeting, had seemed to weigh so heavily on his
mind?
"I was about to advert to the subject," said Mr. Spout. "It has engaged
my undivided attention up to the present time, and the idea and plan
based upon it are sufficiently perfected to satisfy myself."
"Trot it out," said Boggs, "we are all attention."
"The fact, gentlemen," said Spout, "that most of our number have been
either absent from the city, or so much engaged in our different
vocations that we have never gained, or have lost, familiarity with many
interesting phases of life, as it exists in New York, suggested to me
the thought of devoting some portion of our time to looking about, and
having put our observations in writing, to interchange them for our
mutual gratification."
"A capital idea," said Mr. Dusenbury Quackenbush.
"Brilliant with pleasurable results," remarked Mr. Myndert Van Dam.
"Replete with rational enjoyment," suggested Mr. Remington Dropper.
"I'm in," was the laconic response of Mr. James George Boggs.
"Then I suppose I can count upon your coöperation in the realization of
the idea," said Spout.
A general affirmative answer being given, Mr. Spout continued.
"You being unanimous," said he, "I'll now proceed to unfold my plans.
To secure unanimity of action and entire success, it is necessary that
we have a plan of organization. But in thinking upon this subject, I
have foreseen that, by the adoption of any of the ordinary plans, we
saddle ourselves with a useless machinery, which will hinder the
successful accomplishment of the object we desire. We have no time to
spare in discussing rules of order, the adoption of which invariably
makes disorder the rule. Yet, there must be a head. In brief, then,
gentlemen, I propose that the principles upon which our meetings shall
be governed, shall be a despotic principle, but one which shall be
compatible with the largest liberty of the governed. How do you like the
idea?"
"The idea looks paradoxical to me," said Van Dam.
"Rather profound," suggested Quackenbush.
"Funny," said Boggs.
"I can tell better when I hear the rules," said Dropper.
"I have them prepared," continued Spout. "Shall I read them to you?"
"By all means," replied Van Dam.
The others signified an affirmative response.
Mr. Spout then proceeded to read:--
We, whose signatures are hereunto affixed, do hereby organize ourselves
into a club, having for its
NAME,
THE ELEPHANT CLUB, and having in view the following
OBJECTS:
1. The enjoyment and amusement of its members through.
2. A profound study of the Metropolitan Elephant, by surveying him in
all his majesty of proportion, by tracing him to his secret haunts, and
observing his habits, both in his wild and domestic state.
OFFICER.
The only officer of the club shall be a Higholdboy, whose
DUTY
It shall be to sit in a big chair, at the end of the table, and to see
that the members conform to the following
RULES OF CONDUCT:
1. In the meetings of the club, every member shall do exactly as he
pleases.
2. Each member shall speak when he pleases, what he pleases, and as long
as he pleases.
N.B.--If the remarks of any member are particularly stupid or tedious,
the other members are under no obligations to remain and hear them.
N. particular B. Should the speaker, at the conclusion of his remarks,
find himself in the presence of only a part of his original audience,
and some of those asleep; he is at full liberty, for his private
satisfaction, to conclude that his eloquence, like that of the
traditional parsons, is not only moving and soothing, as evidenced by
the absence of some and the somnolence of others, but so satisfactory
that those who were awake will never care to hear him again.
3. No member shall be permitted to bring spirituous or fermented
liquors, wine, beer, or cider, whether imported or domestic, into any of
the meetings of the club, under the penalty of passing them around for
general use; unless the member prefers to keep them to himself, from
motives of economy--the economy in such case to be regarded as an
offence, to be punished with a severe letting alone.
4. The third rule shall apply to cigars, cheroots, and cigaretts.
5. Ditto--ditto--sardines, Bologna sausages, crackers and cheese.
6. Members are prohibited from sitting with their feet on the table,
unless in that position they sit with more comfort, or they have other
reasons satisfactory to themselves.
N.B.--The Higholdboy, in consideration of his onerous duties, is
exempted from the action of this rule.
7. The Higholdboy is empowered to reprimand any member, when he
considers it necessary to preserve the dignity of the club.
N. special and particular B. In order that this rule shall not operate
prejudicially to the sovereign rights of individuals, the members of the
club are at liberty to treat the reprimand of the Higholdboy as a good
joke.
8. Any member who shall be absent from any meeting of the club, shall be
liable to stand a half-dozen on the half shell for each of his
fellow-members, unless he gives _no_ previous notice to the club, or any
member thereof, of his prospective absence. Such notice, which he fails
to give, to be either verbal or written, at his own option.
9. These foregoing rules shall in all cases be construed strictly, they
shall never be repealed or amended; and shall be of binding force,
except as hereinafter provided in the
ORDER OF BUSINESS.
1. The Higholdboy shall announce the suspension of all rules for three
months.
At the conclusion, Mr. Spout, in a solemn tone, addressed the party.
"Gentleman," said he, "I am aware that the rules, which I have prepared
and submitted, are stringent in the extreme, but I think they will be
found, on examination, to be no more so than is essential to secure that
unanimity of action so indispensable to the accomplishment of any great
end. Believing, then, that you fully appreciate the importance of the
end we have in view, I trust they will meet with your approval.
Gentlemen, I give way to others."
Mr. Spout took his seat, amid manifestations of the approval of his
associates.
Mr. Boggs was the first to speak on the subject of the rules.
"Gentlemen," said he, "unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, and
overpowered as I feel at the present moment, I should do injustice to my
own feelings, did I fail to endorse the excellence of the rules
reported by my friend Spout, and to give my unqualified adhesion, in
accordance with the spirit which pervades them."
[Illustration]
Mr. Dropper said that he had but one fault to find. He was by nature
fond of resisting all rules, the idea of which he had always associated
with a restriction of individual liberty. The rules proposed by Mr.
Spout contemplated no restriction. They were so nice an adjustment of
the relations between the governor and the governed that he could not
find it in his heart to resist them. Hence he would be debarred his
usual gratification of combatting them. Still he was willing to give
them a trial.
Mr. Quackenbush liked the rules very much, as he thought it was coming
down to first principles.
Mr. Van Dam said that, so far as he was concerned, the matter was all
right; if it wasn't, "he'd make it right."
An inquiry was made as to who would fill the office of the Higholdboy.
Mr. Spout replied. He said that their club was an anomaly. It differed
in its features from any organization which had ever been made. He
thought that its individual peculiarities should be kept up in the
matter of the election of its presiding officers. He was in favor of
self-elevation to the position, and of letting the voluntary
acquiescence of the members measure the duration of individuals' tenure
of office--in other words, when they got tired of him, leave him to
preside over a meeting composed of himself and the furniture. "Now,
gentlemen," concluded Mr. Spout, "who wants to be a Higholdboy? Don't
all speak at once."
Van Dam looked at Boggs; Boggs glanced at Dropper; Dropper eyed
Quackenbush, and Quackenbush turned his eyes upon Spout.
"No one speaks," said Spout, "which leads me to believe that no one
desires the position unless it be myself, which I confess, gentlemen, is
true. Gentlemen, I declare myself duly elevated and installed into the
office of Higholdboy of the Elephant Club, and when you survey my
proportions, and look at the size of that chair, I am satisfied you
will concede that I am well adapted to fill it. In conclusion,
gentlemen, I ask of you your coöperation in forwarding the aims and
purposes of this club. Mr. Boggs, will you pass me the tobacco-box?"
"Certainly," said Boggs, as he passed the box, "and allow me to
congratulate your constituency in having elevated you to so responsible
a position."
"A very respectable constituency of one--Spout," said Mr. Quackenbush.
"But it is very funny, isn't it?" said he.
"It's a go," said Dropper.
Mr. Van Dam was very glad that he wasn't the lucky man, as he had such
an abhorrence of responsibility.
The question of the time and place of meetings was the next subject
discussed. It was finally agreed to leave that matter for future
consideration.
"Gentlemen," said Spout, "I have assumed a responsibility, in
anticipation of my attaining the Higholdboyship of this club. In this,
perhaps, my course will not meet with your full approval; the nature of
the step you will be apprised of in the room below. Will you accompany
me?"
The party assented, wondering what further surprise was to greet them.
They entered a rear parlor on the first floor, where an excellent
dinner was waiting them, got up at the expense of Mr. John Spout,
Higholdboy of the Elephant Club.
[Illustration]
A good dinner is an excellent ending for any thing--even a chapter.
THE ELEPHANTINE DEN.
Off with his head so much.--SHAKSPEARE.
[Illustration]
THE Club now being organized, and the eager members anxious to begin at
once their expeditions in search of the pachydermatous animal whose
peculiar habits, in a state of metropolitan domesticity, were to be
henceforth their care and study, it became necessary to fix upon some
convenient place of rendezvous, at which they might convene to prepare
for their excursions, and where they might reassemble, should any
desperate chance divide their strength, and separate their numbers.
After some discussion as to the most convenient locality, a room in
Broadway was selected, as being less likely to attract attention if
lighted up and showing signs of occupancy at an unseasonable hour; and
as being easily accessible in case a member was compelled to evade the
pursuit of an avenging M.P.; or should he be taken suddenly drunk, and
stand in need of brotherly assistance. It was not on the first floor,
lest it should be mistaken for a tavern; nor on the second, lest the
uninvited public should stray up stairs, thinking it to be a billiard
saloon; neither was it in the attic, as the gas didn't run so high; but
on the third floor of an imposing building, a room was discovered,
appropriate in dimensions, convenient in locality, and the rent of which
was not so high but that its altitude was easily admeasured by a weekly
V. It is not our present intention to designate the identical numeral
which, in the directory, would point out the precise latitude of this
mysterious apartment to the anxious inquirer. Suffice it to say that it
was in the immediate vicinity of the public office of the man whose name
is synonymous with that of the adolescent offspring of the bird whose
unmelodious note once saved the imperial city from its fierce invaders,
and that the occupation of this man of the ornithological appellation is
to provide food and drink for hungry humanity. The relative situations
of the club-room and this restaurant were such, that a plummet, dropped
from the chair of the Higholdboy, would, if unimpeded by interposing
floors, fall directly upon the private bottle of the amiable proprietor
in the bar below.
[Illustration]
By the timely suggestion of Mr. Remington Dropper, ingenious advantage
was taken of the proximity of an establishment so praiseworthy, and so
conducive to the common comfort. A wire was arranged, running from a
point ever in reach of the chair of the august presiding officer, thence
to a bell in the room beneath. A system of tintinabulatory signals was
contrived, that the dispenser of good things, on the first floor, might
be made to comprehend the wants of the thirsty individuals in the loft,
without their coming down stairs. One jerk meant "brandy smashes" all
round; two pulls signified "hot whisky punches, with plenty of lemon;" a
prolonged jingle was to be immediately answered by an unlimited supply
of ale, porter and pewter mugs; while a convulsive twitch, or a couple
of spasmodic tugs, signified to the man in waiting, not only that the
entire club was "over the bay," but that they wanted, on the instant,
soda-water enough to float them in safety to the shore again.
The furniture of this private elephantine den was simple, but necessary,
made not for ornament, so much as contrived for use, and consisted of a
long table, with an extra quantity of super-solid legs, in case the club
should all take a freak to go to bed on it at once--two chairs for each
member, one for the customary use, and the other for the accommodation
of his feet, an upright piano-forte, a huge match-box, and a wash-tub
for empty bottles. A journal was also provided, in which to inscribe the
proceedings of each evening, and, by general agreement, it was made a
standing order that no man should write therein unless he was
sufficiently sober to tell a gold pen from a boot jack.
[Illustration]
The poker was chained to the grate, that it might not, in case of an
unusual excitement, become a convenient instrument for the demolition of
furniture, or the extinguishment of an offending member. For the same
reason, the water-jug was tied to the door-knob, and the private tumbler
of each member made fast to one of his chairs with an elastic band, so
that, should he throw it at any one, he would not only miss the object
of his unnoble aim, but the elasticity of the securing thong would cause
it to recoil upon his own pate, with a force which would, probably,
render him for the future less inclined to experiment in projectiles.
Over the entrance-door, on the outside, was placed a toy elephant, two
feet long, but four feet underneath, imported from Germany, at the
unheard-of cost of ten dollars.
The room being furnished, and the club ready to commence operations, it
was deemed expedient to select an individual of superior physical
strength to attend to the door, lest some intruding outsider might
sometime interrupt the deliberations of the honorable quadrupedal order.
Mr. Quackenbush elected himself to this dignified and honorable office,
and, under the belief that his brawny arms were eminently suited to do
duty in case of the irruption of sacrilegious outsiders upon the
sanctified premises, all the other members acquiesced in his promotion.
If any undesirable person presented himself for admission, he was to
inform him of the secrecy of the convention. Should the outsider
persevere, he was first to expostulate with him, and endeavor to
persuade him to go peaceably away. If all milder means should prove
unavailing, he was first to black both of his eyes with a pewter mug,
taking care to do it impartially and symmetrically, that the
discoloration of one optic should not in the least exceed that of the
other; he was then mildly to knock him down with a chair, pitch him
gently, head first, down both flights of stairs into the street, and
then, having filled his boots full of gravel, and put a brick in his
mouth, he was to leave him; but on no account was he to deal harshly
with such offender, unless he chose to do so on his own responsibility,
or was specially authorized by a unanimous vote of all the members
awake, in which case he might act his own pleasure. He solemnly bound
himself, in case he should at any time be overcome by fatigue, or any
other potent cause, that he would go to sleep immediately before the
threshold, in order to prevent any animated worldling from penetrating
into the secret den, and spy out the mystic doings of the elephants,
without forcing an entrance over his prostrate body.
The arrangements being now complete, a solemn convocation of the
honorable body was held, and a quadrupedal quorum being present, after a
smoky and juicy deliberation of some seven hours, the Higholdboy, Mr.
John Spout, unanimously _Resolved_:
1. That the club proceed to hunt the long-nosed animal.
2. In a body.
3. To-morrow night.
To this series of resolutions each of the other members acceded. The
result of this bold determination will be fully detailed in another
chapter.
[Illustration]
FIRST DISCOVERIES OF THE CLUB.
"He who fights and runs away,
Will live--"
A. NONYMOUS.
Pursuant to the resolutions unanimously adopted on the evening before,
the Elephant Club met to proceed, under the direction of some
experienced hunter, to scrutinize their ponderous game. Being duly
equipped with all the arms and ammunition required for an expedition of
so perilous a nature, they sallied forth. They dragged no heavy,
ponderous artillery, they wore no clanking swords, they rallied under no
silken banner, and marched to no inspiriting music; but they tramped
along, their only rallying-flag being a yellow handkerchief round the
hat of Mr. Myndert Van Dam, who had thus protected his "Cady" from any
injury from a sudden shower; their only martial music was the shrill
pipe of Mr. James George Boggs, who whistled "Pop goes the Weasel," and
for arms each one had a hickory cane, and in the breast pocket of his
overcoat, a single "pocket-pistol," loaded, but not dangerous. Mr.
Remington Dropper had assumed the leadership, and was to conduct the
party on their cruise.
[Illustration]
They had proceeded but a short distance when Mr. Boggs called out to the
party to observe the motions of a queer-looking character, who was
approaching at a distance of a half block. He was stepping on the edge
of the sidewalk with his gaze fixed upon the gutter, and in apparent
unconsciousness of the existence of anything but himself. He was lank,
lean, and sallow. His clothes were quite dilapidated, his beard and hair
long. A smile on his face seemed to indicate his entire satisfaction
with himself. He was a marked character, and after a moment's sight at
the individual, inquiries were made of Mr. Boggs as to who he was.
"That is more than I can say," was Boggs's response. "I have known him
by sight for years, and he has always appeared the same. He belongs to a
class of beings in New York, a few specimens of which are familiar to
those who frequent the principal thoroughfares, and are known by the
ornithological appellation of "gutter-snipes." I have often talked with
him, but he knows nothing of his own history; or, if he does, chooses
not to reveal it. He is a monomaniac, but perfectly harmless, and calls
himself Nicholas Quail. I have learned from other sources a few facts of
his history. He sleeps anywhere and everywhere, and eats in the same
localities. Nobody ever harms him, all being familiar with his whims. As
far as I can learn, he was formerly a raftsman. He has never in his life
owned real estate enough to form the site for a hen-coop, nor timber
sufficient to build it. His personal property could be crowded into a
small pocket-handkerchief; but let him get four inches of whisky in him,
and he fancies he has such boundless and illimitable wealth, that in
comparison, the treasures of Aladdin, provided by the accommodating
slave of the lamp, would be but small change. He walks about the streets
viewing what he terms the improvements he is making; he gives all sorts
of absurd directions to workmen as to how he desires the work to be
done, much to their amusement. But here he is, now; if he is tight we'll
have some sport."
As the personage approached, Boggs accosted him, when the following
dialogue took place.
"So Nicholas," said Boggs, "you've come back, have you? How is the
financial department at present?"
Nick looked up and smiled.
"The fact is," said he, "I've just been buying all the grain in
Michigan, Wisconsin, Ohio, and Indiana for $7 a bushel, and I am rather
short for small change, but if you want a hundred thousand or so, just
send a cart round to my office. Would you prefer having it in quarter
eagles or twenty dollar pieces?"
"Well, Nick, I don't care to borrow at present, but a boy says you've
been drunk. How is it?"
"What boy is it?"
"Your boy in your counting-room--the urchin who runs on errands for you,
smokes your stubs, and pockets the small change."
"Now, hadn't he ought to be ashamed of himself, the red-haired devil,
for getting Old Nick into such a scrape by his drunken lies? Haven't I
made him presents enough? It was only last week that I gave him a house
in Thirty-second street, and a splendid mansion on the North River; and
on the 4th of July he had fourteen thousand dollars, all in pennies, to
buy fire-crackers and soda-water with; and yet he goes to you and lies,
and says that I've been drunk. Don't you believe the lying cub; he's got
a spite agin me, because last night I wouldn't give him the Erie
Railroad to bet on poker; but I couldn't do it, General; I seen the
cards was agin him; the other feller held four kings, and he hadn't
nothin' in the world but three high-heeled jacks and a pair of fours."
"I do believe you were drunk," said Boggs, "and if you ever get hauled
up before the justice you will have to pay ten dollars, and if you have
not that decimal amount handy, you had better entrust it to the boy's
keeping, to have it ready in case of such an emergency."
Nick felt in his pockets, and with a puzzled air remarked:
"I haven't got the money here, but I'll give you a check on the Nassau
Bank for a thousand, and you can give me the change; or I'll give you a
deed of Stewart's, or a mortgage lien on the Astor House."
"Shan't do it, shan't do it, Old Nick; and I'm afraid you'll have to go
to Blackwell's Island, sure."
"There's that infernal island again," said Nick; "if I'd ever thought it
would come to this, I never'd have given that little piece of property
to the city; but I'll buy it back next week, and use it hereafter for a
cabbage garden; see if I don't."
By this time the Elephants seemed to disposed to go, but Nick spied on
the shirt-front of Mr. John Spout a diamond pin, which seemed to take
his fancy. He offered in vain a block of stores in Pearl street, the
Custom-House, the Assay-Office, the Metropolitan Hotel and
three-quarters of the steamer Atlantic, and to throw into the bargain
Staten Island and Brooklyn City; but it was no use, the party took their
leave, and Nick was disconsolate.
Passing up Broadway, their attention was attracted by one of those
full-length basswood statues of impossible-looking men, holding an
impracticable pistol in his hand, at an angle which never could be
achieved by a live man with the usual allowance of bones, but which
defiant figure was evidently intended to be suggestive of a
shooting-gallery in the rear.
[Illustration]
Mr. John Spout, who was in a philosophic mood, remarked that it was a
curious study to observe the various abortive efforts of aspiring
carpenters to represent the human form divine, in the three-cornered
wooden men, which stand for "pistol-galleries;" and the inexplicable
Turks, the unheard of Scotchmen, and the Indians of every possible and
impossible tribe, which are supposed to hint "tobacco and cigars."
The ambitious carpenter first hews out a distorted caricature of a man,
which he passes over to the painters to be embellished. By the time the
figure has survived the last operation, it might certainly be
worshipped without transgressing any scriptural injunction, for it
certainly looks like nothing in "the heavens above, the earth below, or
the waters under the earth." It is, however, an easy matter to
distinguish the Highlanders from the Turks, by the fact, that the calves
of their legs are larger around than their waists, and they are dressed
in petticoats and plaid stockings; the Turks and Indians, however, being
of the same color, might easily be confounded, were it not for the
inexplicable circumstance that the former are always squatting down,
while the latter are invariably standing up; they are all, however,
remarkable for the unstable material of which their countenances are
manufactured; after one has been exposed to the boys and the weather for
about a fortnight, his nose will disappear, his lips come up a minus
quantity, the top of his head be knocked off, and a minute's scrutiny
will generally disclose the presence of innumerable gimlet-holes in his
eyes. The boys, in their desire to comprehend perfectly the internal
economy of these human libels, not unfrequently carry their anatomical
investigations to the extent of cutting off a leg or two, and amputating
one or more arms, or cutting out three or four ribs with a buck-saw or a
broad-axe. Indeed, there is one unfortunate wooden Indian, of some
fossil and unknown tribe, on exhibition in front of a snuff-shop in the
Bowery, who has not only lost both legs, one arm, and his stomach, but
has actually endured the amputation of the head and neck, and bears a
staff stuck in the hole where his spine ought to be, and upon a flag is
inscribed the heartless sentence, "Mrs. Miller's Fine Cut--for
particulars inquire within."
Mr. John Spout having concluded his explanatory remarks, the entire
party went into the pistol-gallery before-mentioned, to have a crack at
the iron man, with the pipe in his mouth.
The nature of Mr. Quackenbush's profession, that of a teacher, was not
such as would make him familiar with the use of fire-arms, and, in point
of fact, he had about as good a notion of pistol-shooting as a
stage-horse has of hunting wild bees; but he resolved to try his hand
with the rest. When it came to his turn to try, he spilled the priming,
and fired the hair-trigger instrument, accidentally, four times, to the
imminent danger of the bystanders, before he could be taught to hold it
so that it wouldn't go off before he got ready. He finally got a fair
shot, and succeeded in breaking a window immediately behind him, after
which he concluded he would not shoot any more.
As the other side of the room was used for a bowling alley, the company
proceeded to have a game of ten-pins; and here, again, Mr. Quackenbush
distinguished himself. After dropping one ball on his toes, and allowing
another to fall into a spittoon, he succeeded in getting one to roll
down the alley; with his second ball, by some miraculous chance, he got
a "ten-strike," knocking down, not only all the pins, but also the
luckless youth who presided over the setting-up-department.
Having refreshed themselves, the party once more regained Broadway, and
consulted as to what place should be visited next.
Mr. Spout suggested that he would like to smoke. Nobody dissented except
Mr. Dropper, who said he had read the day previous, in the morning
papers, that a Turkish elephant had arrived in town, and was on
exhibition on Broadway, above the Metropolitan Hotel. Thinking that a
comparison instituted between the Turkish quadruped and the one which it
was their particular office to study, might be of benefit to the members
of the club, in their investigations, Mr. Dropper suggested that the
smoking be dispensed with, until they should come into the presence of
the oriental animal. Onward the zoölogical specialists sped their way,
sometimes marching in Indian file, and sometimes arm-in-arm, running
over little boys, dirty dogs, drygoods boxes, low awnings and area
railings, until at last Mr. Dropper cried "Halt!" before the portals of
the den wherein the mysterious elephant, which had arrived from
Constantinople, was concealed. It became a question who should lead in
making an entrance. Boggs was fearful, Van Dam was afraid, Spout was
cautious, Quackenbush would a little rather not, but Dropper's courage
failed not, and he walked boldly into the outer temple, followed by his
timid associates. Here they discovered a long counter, and a glass
show-case, in which were displayed queer shoes, quaint tooth-picks,
funny pipes, and singular ornaments. A glass jar, filled with a
rose-pink fluid was also on the counter. A tall gentleman with a
ferocious moustache, and a diminutive red cap, without a front-piece,
met them. Mr. Quackenbush's curiosity was in a single direction; he said
he wanted to go through the harem. They finally entered into the rear
apartment. Here their wondering eyes beheld a long room, well lighted
with gas. In the centre was a small basin, in which goldfish were
indulging in their accustomed aquatic sports. On either side were
arranged wide divans, covered with red drapery and high pillows. Small
stands were arranged in front of them. Various parties were seated with
novel inventions before them, suggested by the minds of ingenious Turks,
to accomplish the destruction of the tobacco crop. The members of the
Elephant Club placed themselves on the divans, and after they had
arranged themselves to their satisfaction, their oriental friend
approached them, and gave to each a "programme" of Turkish delicacies.
Mr. Spout inquired what a _nargillê_ was, and was informed that it was a
water-pipe. Mr. Spout insisted that he preferred a pipe wherein fire,
rather than water, was the element used. Mr. Boggs said he would take a
_chibouk_ on trial. Mr. Spout coincided, and called also for a
_chibouk_. But Van Dam ordered three _nargillês_, one for himself,
another for Dropper, and a third for Quackenbush. The _chibouks_ were
produced, and Boggs and Spout commenced smoking in earnest.
In the mean time, the _nargillês_ were produced for the other members of
the club. Van Dam backed down at their first appearance. The glass vase,
having in it water below and fire above, looked suspicious, and added to
that was a mysterious length of hose, which was wound about in all
directions, commencing at the fire, and running around the vase, about
the table legs, over the chair, back through the rounds, about his
legs, around his body, and finally came up over his shoulder, and
terminated in a mouth-piece. Mr. Van Dam's first sensations, after these
preliminaries had been arranged, were that he was in imminent danger of
his life, and acting upon this impulse, he obstinately refused to go the
_nargillê_, remarking, that they might be harmless enough in the hands
of the Turks, who knew how to use such fire-arms, but he thought
prudence dictated that he should keep clear of such diabolical
inventions.
[Illustration:]
Dropper and Quackenbush, however, had no fears, but their drafts on the
fire, through the hose, were not honored with smoke. They exhausted the
atmosphere in their mouths, but get a taste of smoke they could not,
and, in despair, Mr. Quackenbush called in the proprietor for an
explanation of the mysteries of fumigating _à la Turque_. In compliance
with the request, the gentleman informed the amateur Turks that they
must inhale the smoke. Dropper protested that he wouldn't make his lungs
a stove-pipe to oblige anybody--even the sultan and his sultanas--and he
accordingly dropped the hose, and ordered a _chibouk_. Quackenbush,
however, made the effort, but a spasmodic coughing put an end to further
attempts, and the result was that another _chibouk_ was called for. Each
member of the club began to feel himself sufficiently etherealized to
aspire to a position in a Mahomedan heaven, where he could be surrounded
by the spirits of numberless beautiful _houris_, when the attention of
Mr. Spout was attracted to a young gentleman, seated on a divan, in the
rear of the apartment.
[Illustration]
He was smoking a ponderous _chibouk_, and the cloudy volumes sent forth
from his mouth hung about his form, quite obscuring him from sight.
Occasionally, however, he would stop to breathe, which gave the members
of the club an opportunity to survey his appearance. He was a young man
of about twenty-two years, small in stature, with a pale, delicate skin,
and light hair, plastered down by the barber's skill with exactness. He
had no signs of beard or moustache. He was evidently making mighty
efforts to become a Turk. He sat on the divan, with his legs drawn up
under him, adopting the Turkish mode of inhaling the smoke, and he
followed one inhalation by another with such fearful rapidity that the
first impulse of the uninitiated would have been to cry out fire. But he
evidently didn't sit easy, for after a few minutes, he pulled his legs
out from under him and stretched them out at full length, to get out the
wrinkles. The Turkish manner of sitting was, evidently, attended with
physical inconveniences, for, after about a dozen experimental efforts,
he gave it up, put his heels on the table, and laid himself back against
the cushions. Still, however, he continued to smoke unremittingly (as if
to make up in that what he lacked in ability to sit in the Turkish
posture). But it was soon manifest that the young man was suffering. His
face was deathly pale, and, dropping his _chibouk_, he called out for
his oriental host. The gentleman in the red cap appeared, and the
sufferer informed him that he "felt so bad," and he placed his hand on
his stomach, denoting that as the particular seat of his difficulty. The
benevolent Turk suggested exercise out of doors, and, as the elephant
hunters were about going out, they offered to accompany him to his home.
The offer was accepted, and the youth, sick in the cause of Turkey,
left, supported by Dropper and Quackenbush.
A walk of a few squares relieved the young gentleman of the extremely
unpleasant sensations, when he begged leave to express his thanks to the
gentlemen for their kindness. He took occasion to inform them that his
name was John I. Cake, late a resident of an interior town in Illinois,
where his parents now reside. He was, at present, living in New York
with an uncle, who was a banker in Wall-street, under whose tuition he
was learning rapidly how to make inroads upon the plunder of his
neighbors, without being in danger of finding his efforts rewarded with
board and lodging at the expense of State. He had been educated at a
country college, and knew nothing of city life, except what he had seen
in Wall street.
Mr. Spout said that he was very happy to have met him, and inquired
whether he would like to have an opportunity of seeing the elephant.
Mr. John I. Cake said that nothing would please him better. Mr. Spout
proceeded at once to inform him that the gentlemen who were present were
members of an organization gotten up for that express purpose, and which
was known among themselves as the Elephant Club; further he said to Mr.
Cake, that if he desired to join, they would administer the obligation
to him that evening, and initiate him into the order.
Mr. Cake said by all means. At this time the party had reached the front
of a church, in the shadow of which they stopped. Mr. Spout, as
Higholdboy, announced that the Elephant Club was now organized. "Mr.
Cake," said he, "step forward and receive the obligation."
Mr. Cake did step forward with a bold and determined step.
Mr. Spout continued: "Let your arm," said he, "hang in an easy position
from the right shoulder. Now let the digits of your other hand point
'over the left.' Now then, Mr. John I. Cake, late of the State of
Illinois, but now encircled with, the moral atmosphere of Wall street,
you do solemnly swear, by the sacred horn spoons, that you desire to
become a member of the Elephant Club, that you are willing, on becoming
a member, to do as you please, unless it pleases you to do something
else; that you will never kick a big Irishman's dog, unless you think
you are smart enough to thrash his master; that you will be just as
honest as you think the times will economically allow; that you will,
under no circumstances buy and smoke a 'penny grab,' so long as you have
philanthropic friends who will give you Havanas. All of this you
solemnly swear, so help you John Rogers."
"Perhaps," was the response of Mr. John I. Cake.
"Having given the correct response," said the Higholdboy, "you are
pronounced a member of the Elephant Club, when you shall have duly
favored us with the initiative sit down."
"Good!" said Mr. Cake, "where shall it be?"
"Wherever good oysters are to be procured," said Mr. Dropper.
"Here you are, then," remarked Quackenbush, as he pointed to a sign over
a subterranean door-way, over which was inscribed the words,
"Here are the spot
Where good oysters is got."
The club descended into the saloon, and Mr. Cake called for six half
dozens on the half shell.
Now, be it known to the readers of these records, that Mr. Cake was
unacquainted with the perfection to which many departments of manual
labor had reached, and being naturally of an inquiring turn of mind, he
stayed outside to watch the feats of the young man who brandished the
oyster-knife. This gentleman was an adept at his profession. With the
most perfect grace of motion, he would lift the oyster in his left
hand, lay its edge gently on a small iron standard, give that edge two
delicate raps with the butt of the oyster-knife as a signal to the
oyster that its turn had now come, when immediately the shells would
open, the upper half would jump off and fall below, and the oyster would
smile at the young man as he took the knife, and delicately stroked down
its beard. All of this transpired in a very short period of time, which,
with the artistic grace displayed by the professor, was sufficient to
astound Mr. Cake. Indeed, he had entirely forgotten his companions in
his admiration of conchological anatomy.
[Illustration]
The oysters were placed before the gentlemen, and partaken of with a
relish. But Mr. Cake had not seen enough to gratify his wishes. He
ordered another dose all around, and again took his position outside to
watch the operation of divesting the oysters of one half of their
natural exterior protection. Without doubt, the young man's merits, at
his particular vocation, were great; but Mr. Cake magnified them, in his
intense admiration, most alarmingly. To him, it seemed as if each
particular oyster was waiting for its turn to come, and only wanted a
wink from the young man, when it would jump into his grasp, proud that
it was permitted so soon to be sacrificed by such a hand. Mr. Cake was
transfixed; he never moved his eyes until the second, third and fourth
installment of shell-fish were served up.
Mr. Boggs then spoke about drinks. Johnny protested that he never drank
anything that would intoxicate--in fact, he was an uncompromising
teetotaller. Still, however, he had no objections to treating the crowd,
as that would give him an opportunity to remain a few minutes more with
the object of his admiration. He continued to watch the motions, whilst
his friends were doing justice to the spirituous decoctions. At last Mr.
Spout told Johnny that it was time to go. Johnny went to the bar, paid
the bill, and, as the party regained the street, Johnny Cake said, with
a sigh, that he only wished he were an oyster, that he, too, might be
the willing victim of that young man's knife. But, inasmuch as he was
not, it was his intention to gratify his desire to see the young man's
manipulations by coming every night until he was satisfied.
It is a fact which may be asserted, that Mr. Johnny Cake, as the members
of the club had now learned to call him, with forty "oysters and the
fixens" on board, did not walk with much apparent comfort.
The club stopped to deliberate, but in the midst of their deliberations
the City Hall bell sounded, and instantly commenced all that furious
uproar peculiar to Gotham at the sound of an alarm of fire. A crowd of
screaming men and boys came tearing along, dragging Engine No. 32-1/2,
which hung back and jumped about, as if determined not to go at any
hazard. About half a block in advance of this crazy throng rushed a
frantic man, with a red shirt and a tin trumpet. Each individual yelled
as if the general resurrection were at hand, and he under special
obligations to wake up some particular friend. The rheumatic engine held
back with all its power, and seemed, for the moment, endowed with a kind
of obstinate vitality. Now it threw its wheel round a lamp-post, then it
tumbled against the curb-stone, then it ran its tongue into an awning,
then affectionately embraced with its projecting arms a crockery-wagon,
and finally, with a kind of inanimate dogged determination not to go
ahead, in turning a short corner, it leaped triumphantly astride a
hydrant, where it stuck. The men tugged, but the engine held fast; the
frantic man in the red shirt came tearing back; he had gone far enough
ahead to see that 13-1/4's boys had got their stream on the fire, and he
was furious at the delay. One mighty jerk, and the men and boys were
piled in a huge kicking mass on the pavement, which phenomenon was
occasioned by the unexpected breaking of the rope. The rope was tied,
and by a united effort directed at the wheels, the brakes, the tongue,
and every get-at-able point, the machine was again started, protesting,
with creaks, and groans, and various portentous rumblings in its inner
works, against the roughness of its treatment.
The frantic red-shirt-man howled through his trumpet that Hose 24-3/8
was coming. The boys looked back, and Hose 24-3/8 _was_ coming. Hose
24-3/8 came alongside. Hose 24-3/8 tried to go by. Hose 24-3/8 was
evidently striving to get to the fire in advance of her betters, but
Hose 24-3/8 couldn't do it--for, at this interesting juncture, 32-1/2's
fellows waked up to their work, and the race began. Single gentlemen got
into door-ways, or crawled under carts; the ladies who were in the
street at that time of night disappeared down oyster-cellars; the M.P.s
probably went through the coal-holes, for not one was at that instant
"visible to the naked eye." Stages, to get out of the way, turned down
alleys so narrow that they had to be drawn out backwards; an
express-wagon was run into, and wrecked on a pile of bricks; an early
milk-cart was left high and dry on a mountain of oyster-shells; a
belated hand-cart-man deserted his vehicle in the middle of the street,
and it was instantly demolished, while the owner was only preserved from
a similar fate by being knocked gently over a picket-fence into an area,
where there couldn't anybody get at him. In the height and very fury of
the race, the crowd rushed upon the Elephantines, who were gazing in
fancied security at the mixed-up spectacle before them. In an instant
they were all inextricably entangled in the rush; those that escaped
32-1/2 were caught up instantly by 24-3/8, and those who got away from
24-3/8, were seized upon by 32-1/2. It was no use resisting--on they
must go. The ponderosity of John Spout was no protection to him; nor did
the lankness of Dusenbury Quackenbush, and the unreliable appearance of
his legs, avail him anything. The quiet inoffensiveness of Van Dam was
not respected; no regard was paid to the philosophical composure of Mr.
Remington Dropper. The youthful face of Johnny Cake, too, availed
nothing in his favor. Mr. Boggs became involved, and all were
irretrievably mingled with the howling demi-devils who were racing for
the miniature purgatory, the flames from which could now be plainly
seen. It was "No. 1, round the corner," the residence of "My Uncle," and
each one was anxious to redeem his individual effects without going
through the formality of paying charges and giving up the tickets.
[Illustration]
But their very anxiety was a serious bar to their rapid progress: and
the two machines were jammed together by the zealous rivals. Hard words
ensued, and a general row was the instant and legitimate result.
Quackenbush was complimented with a lick over the head with a trumpet,
in the hands of the frantic red-shirt-man, who accused him of locking
the tongue of 24-3/8 into 32-1/2's wheel. Dropper had his hat knocked
over his eyes, and thereupon, his indignation being roused, he hit out,
right and left. His first vigorous blow inflicted terrific damage upon
the amiable countenance of his best friend, Mr. Van Dam, and the very
first kick he gave upset Mr. John Spout upon the protruding stomach of a
man who had been knocked down with a spanner. John quickly recovered
himself, and hit Van Dam a clip in the sinister optic, which placed that
useful member in a state of temporary total eclipse. The battle became
general, and each man waged an indiscriminate war upon his neighbor.
Between the affectionate thrashing they gave each other, and the
indiscriminate kicks and punches they received from outsiders, the
Elephantines were well pommelled. By the time 32-1/2 and 24-3/8 had got
out of the muss, and were fairly on their way to the fire again, Mr.
John Spout was the only one of that fraternal band visible on his feet.
Dropper was doubled up across a hydrant, Van Dam was comfortably
reposing on his back, in the middle of the street, while Quackenbush was
sitting on him, trying to wipe the blood out of his eyes, and to
ascertain, as nearly as possible, the number of teeth he had swallowed.
But when the members came together to make mutual explanations, Johnny
Cake was _non est_. Great, indeed, was the cry that was heard after the
missing member. Quackenbush bellowed out, in a heavy, sonorous voice,
that the difficulty was all past, when Johnny's shrill voice was heard
in response. The voice proceeded from an empty molasses hogshead, into
which Johnny had jumped, during the melee, for safety. His
brother-members released him from his situation, and, when he was once
more on Gotham's pavement, he was literally a sweet case. Dirty sugar
adhered to every part of his exterior. Explanations were then made, and
the members proceeded to shake hands all round, except Mr. Dropper, who
couldn't shake hands with anybody, because some one had upset a bucket
of tar on his fingers, and he couldn't get it off.
The matter being at length arranged to the satisfaction of all
concerned, they adjourned from the sidewalk to a beer-shop, where they
washed their faces, pinned up the rents in their pantaloons, and got the
jams out of their hats, as well as they could upon so short a notice.
They then found their way to the club-room, held a council, and without
a great deal of deliberation, it was resolved, every man for himself:
That, to prevent the future possibility of all the members of the club
having black eyes at the same time, the members would, from this time
forth, pursue their investigations singly, or in pairs--the optical
adornment of a single person being bearable, but for all the club to be
simultaneously thus affected, was a phenomenon not down in the bills.
The club then adjourned for convalescence.
FIRST EVENING WITH THE CLUB.
"Dogs bark."--SHAKESPEARE.
As soon as the members of the Elephant Club had recovered their normal
appearance, each issued forth alone to catch further glimpses of the
colossal quadruped of the metropolis. Each was assiduous in pursuing his
investigations, and all manifested a spirit of self-denial worthy of
martyrs in the cause of scientific research. The quantity of bad liquors
they drank in forming new acquaintances, it were useless to estimate;
the horrible cigars they smoked with those acquaintances are beyond
computation, and yet they never flagged for a moment. After a few days,
thus passed, the Higholdboy thought it time the club should hear the
reports of its members. He, accordingly, put up on the bulletin a
notice, stating that he expected the attendance of every member on a
certain evening.
The evening came, and with it came the members. The weather was
sufficiently warm to admit of the windows being up, and a fine, cooling
draught of air passed through the apartment. The gentlemen filled their
pipes and proceeded to take it easy. Mr. Dropper hung himself upon two
chairs; Boggs stretched himself upon a sofa; Van Dam took off his coat,
rolled it up for a pillow, and laid himself out on the floor.
Quackenbush put an easy-chair by the door, and seated himself there to
act as sentinel. Mr. Spout, the Higholdboy, moved his official chair up
to one of the windows, turned the back upon his fellow-members, seated
himself, raised his feet to the window-casing, and said that, with his
eyes looking out between the toes of his boots upon the tiles and
chimney-pots, it could not be said he had seen any disorderly conduct,
if the members should see fit to vary the monotony of the proceedings by
getting up an extemporized row among themselves. Johnny Cake alone
seemed aware that a necessity existed for the exhibition of proper
dignity on the part of the meeting. He sat by the table proudly erect.
His standing collar, neatly-tied cravat, and scrupulously clean
exterior, corresponded with his prim deportment.
It became a serious question who should open his budget of experience
first. There was no rule to coerce a member to commence; consequently,
appeals were made to the magnanimity of each other. These were
irresistible, and all suddenly became willing and even anxious to make
the beginning.
Mr. Dropper, however, got the floor first. He insisted that he was not
in the habit of appearing in large assemblies as a prominent participant
in the proceedings, and, in consideration of this fact, he ventured to
hope that his incipient efforts would not be judged of harshly.
Mr. Dropper's spasmodic modesty excited the boisterous mirth of his
fellow-members.
Mr. Remington Dropper commenced:
"Gentlemen of the Elephant Club," said he, "the subject which I have to
present for your consideration this evening is a remarkable instance of
the _genus homo_ which I accidentally came across in my peregrinations a
few evenings since. I was returning home from the theatre, and in
passing a door-way in Broadway, I discovered a man seated on the stone
step, with his form reclining against the door-casing. The gas-light
shone directly in his face, which revealed to me the fact that he was
asleep. The singularity of his personal appearance could not fail to
attract my attention, and I stopped to study his form, features, and
dress, to determine, if I could, who and what he was. His face had
evidently been put up askew. The corner of his mouth, the eye and
eyebrow on one side were inclined downward, giving him a demure and
melancholy look; but on the other side they were inclined upwards, which
made that side show a continued grin. A front view of his face was
suggestive of both joy and melancholy, which was equal to no expression
at all, as the expression on one side offset that of the other. His
coat, which was buttoned tightly about him, was neither a dress nor a
frock, but the skirts were rounded off in front, making it a compromise
between the two. His pants were also a go-between; they were neither
white nor black, but in point of color, were a pepper-and-salt
formation. The leg on one side was rolled up. On one foot was a boot, on
the other a shoe. He wore a very dirty collar, which, on the laughing
side of his face was Byronic, and on the solemn side, uncompromisingly
erect. His hat was an antiquated shanghae--black on the crown and light
underneath the brim. If a noun, he was certainly a very uncommon, but
not strictly a proper noun. If a verb, he seemed to be passive. The
tense of his general appearance it would be difficult to determine.
Strictly, it was neither past nor present, nor was it in accordance with
my ideas of the future. To a certain extent it was all three. His seedy
exterior was the remains of the past, existing in the present, and
existing prospectively in the future. His mood was subjunctive, full of
doubt and uncertainty. Judging from his entire appearance, I could come
to no other conclusion as respects his character, than that he was a
combination of ups and downs, a concentration of small differences, a
specimen of non-committalism in everything except an entire abstinence
from water used as a means of purifying his body externally, and his
clothing. His red nose led me to suspect that he did not bathe with cold
water to an alarming extent inwardly. The individual was remarkable, not
for what he was, but for what he was not.
"Such were my thoughts, gentlemen, and I determined to awake the
unconscious sleeper, to see how far my conclusions were right. I shook
him well, and accompanied my act with a peremptory order to 'get up.'
After a moment he roused himself and looked at me, but immediately
dropped his eyes. I commenced a dialogue with him, which, as near as I
can recollect, was as follows:
"'What are you doing here?' said I.
"'Dun'no,' was the response.
"'You're certainly quite drunk.'
"'Likely.'
"'That is an offence against the law.'
"'Des'say.'
"'You've been arrested for drunkenness before.'
"'Werry like. But I 'aven't been a doin' nuthin' helse.'
"'But I've arrested you before,' said I, playing the policeman, in order
to continue the conversation.
"'Des'say, hofficer; but did I hoffer any resistance?'
"'Your weight did.'
"'Vas it wiolent?'
"'You were too drunk to make any violent resistance.'
"'Des'say; I honly inquired for hinformation.'
"'What's your name?'
"'Vich name do you vant to know?'
"'Your whole name, of course.'
"'Bobinger Thomas.'
"'Where were you born, Thomas?'
"'Hingland.'
"'What is your business?'
"'My perwession?'
"'Yes.'
"'It's warious. I never dabbled with law, physic, or diwinity.'
"'I asked you what your profession is--not what it isn't.'
"'My perwession now, or vot it used to vos?'
"'Your present profession, of course.'
"'Vell--nuthin'.'
"'Well, what was your profession in the past?'
"'Vot do you vant to know for?'
"'I shall answer no questions; but you must. Now tell me what your past
profession was.'
[Illustration]
"'Dogs.'
"'Are you a dog-fancier?'
"'Poss'bly; I fancies dogs.'
"'What breed of dogs do you fancy?'
"'Them as I gets in Jersey.'
"'What do you do with the dogs that you get there?'
"'I vouldn't go into the business if I vos in your sitivation. It don't
pay any more, 'cause there's so many coves as has inwested. I left
'cause it vos hoverdid.'
"'I hadn't the slightest intention of going into the business. I asked
you for information.'
"'Glad to 'ear you say so. I vos halmost hutterly ruined in it.'
"'Well, what do you do with the dogs?'
"'I doesn't follow the perwession no more.'
"'I asked you what you did with the dogs you picked up in New Jersey.'
"'They muzzles dogs now more than they did vonce.'
"'Tell me what you did with the dogs.'
"'If you nab a cove for gettin' drunk vot do they do vith 'im?'
"'Are you going to answer my question?'
"'Vill they let me off if I tell vere I got the liquor?'
"'Look here, Thomas, answer my question.'
"'Vot do they do vith the coves as sells?'
"'I shan't trifle with you any longer. If you don't tell me what you do
with the dogs, I shall enter a charge of vagrancy against you.'
"'Vell, I didn't sell 'em for sassengers.'
"'What did you sell them for?'
"'I didn't sell 'em.'
"'How did you dispose of them?'
"'Is old Keene varden of the penitentiary now?'
"'Tell me, now, what you did with the dogs.'
"'I took 'em to the dog pound.'
"'What did you do with them there?'
"'Vy, doesn't they muzzle cats the same as dogs?'
"'Look here, Thomas, you must answer my question without equivocation. I
want to understand the details of this dog-business. What did you do
with them at the dog-pound?'
"'For hevery dog as ve takes to the pound ve gets an 'arf a slum.'
"'Then it seems you caught your dogs in New Jersey, brought them to the
New York dog-pound, and claimed for your philanthropic exertions the
reward of a half a dollar, offered by ordinance for every dog caught
within the limits of New York?'
"'Vell, if you'd been born into the perwession, you couldn't have
understood its vays better.'
"'You are a sweet subject, certainly.'
"'Des'say.'
"'Are you not ashamed of yourself, to be found lying drunk in
door-ways?'
"'B'lieve so.'
"'Are you not certain you are?'
"'Prob'bly.'
"'Did you drink liquor to-night?'
"'P'r'aps.'
"'Where did you get it?'
"'Dun'no.'
"'What kind was it?'
"'I halvays 'ad a passion for gin.'
"'Was it gin you drank to-night?'
"'Des'say.'
"'Are you not sure that it was?'
"'Mebbee.'
"'How often do you drink?'
"'Honly ven I've got the blunt to pay. Dutchmen vont trust now.'
"'Did you have any money to-night?'
"'Likely.'
"'How did you get it?'
"''Oldin' an 'orse for a cove.'
"'How much did you get for that?'
"'A shillin.'
"'With that you bought gin?'
"'Prob'bly.'
"'And got drunk?'
"'Poss'bly.'
"'Thomas, where do you live?'
"'Noveres, in p'tickler.'
"'Where do you eat?'
"'Vere the wittles is.'
"'Where do you sleep?'
"'Anyveres, so that the M.P.s can't nab me.'
"'You ought to be sent to Blackwell's Island as a vagrant.'
"'Des'say.'
"'You've been there, have you not?'
"'Mebbee.'
"'Don't you know whether you've been there or not?'
"'P'r'aps.'
"'Are you certain of anything?'
"'Dun'no.'
"'Now, Thomas,' said I, in conclusion, 'I am going to let you off this
time, but I hope you will keep sober in the future. Now, here is a
quarter for you, to pay for your lodging to-night.'
"Thomas, the non-committalist, accepted the silver.
"I concluded to ask him one more question, in hopes to get a direct and
positive answer.
"'Will you use that money to pay for a bed?' I asked.
"'Des'say,' said he, upon which I vamosed."
The Higholdboy raised himself from his official seat before the window,
turned round, got on his knees in the chair, leaned his head on his
hands and his arms on the chair-back, and whilst everybody was still and
quiet, he called out, in a stentorian voice, "Order." The effect of this
peremptory demand was to induce considerable disorder, as no one was
willing to be regarded out of order, even by implication, without some
foundation. Everybody talked and nobody listened, except Mr. Dropper,
and it was not until Mr. Quackenbush had stuffed a ham sandwich down the
throat of the Higholdboy, thrown a box of sardines at the head of Van
Dam, tipped over the timid Boggs, and poured a lemonade down the throat
of Johnny Cake, that they would consent to hear what he desired to say.
"Gentlemen," said Quackenbush, "that's a remarkably fine story, isn't
it?"
"Des'say," said Spout.
"Werry like," responded Van Dam.
"Mebbee," replied Johnny Cake.
"Likely," remarked Boggs, as he picked himself up, preparatory to
letting himself down in three chairs.
Mr. Spout left his chair, and moved to that particular locality in the
apartment where the bell-pull, leading to the bar below, was situated.
He gave sundry pulls in accordance with the previously-arranged system
of telegraphing, and in a few minutes they were answered by a young
gentleman, with a tin waiter in his hands, on which were placed divers
decoctions, which stand in better repute outside of total abstinence
societies than inside. Each took his mixture until it came to Johnny
Cake, when the Higholdboy passed over to him a mild beverage, called a
port wine sangaree. Johnny refused to accept it, and announced that he
was strict in his adherence to principle--that he never indulged in
anything which could intoxicate. A lemonade he would indulge in
sometimes, but a port wine sangaree--never--_never_--NEVER.
When Johnny Cake had finished his indignant repudiation of the port wine
sangaree amid the cheering of his fellow members, Mr. James George Boggs
arose. He mounted a chair, and made an effort to speak. He was greeted
with loud applause.
As soon as these manifestations had subsided, he said:
"Fellow-citizens (applause); I may say that it is with feelings of the
most profound gratification (loud applause), that I meet, this evening,
the members of the illustrious Elephant Club (continued applause), of
which I am an unpretending and obscure member (renewed applause).
Gentlemen, I do not like to appear as an apologist, and much less an
apologist for my own shortcomings (loud and continued applause).
Gentlemen, I protest against your unwarranted interference when I am
trying to be funny (applause and cheers). I am a modest man, and I am
unwilling to stand here to be fooled with (enthusiastic applause); Mr.
Dropper, if you don't shut up your mouth, I'll knock your moustache down
your throat (tremendous applause). Mr. Spout, you are the Higholdboy of
this club, but I'll hit you with a brick if you don't keep better order.
(Cries of "Order!" "Order!") If you'll stop your blasted noise, there
will be no trouble about order. (Cries of "Go on!") Well, gentlemen, as
I was saying that--that--that--where the devil did I leave off?
(Applause and laughter.) There, you see that you have broken the thread
of my remarks. (Cries of "Good!") Yes, it may be fun for you, but, as
the boy said to the frogs, it's death to me (laughter). No, I mean as
the Death said to the boys, it's frogs to--(renewed laughter). Go to
thunder! I am not going to make speeches to such a set a young rascals
as you are." (More applause.)
As soon as order had restored itself, the Higholdboy ordered, at his own
expense, a glass of apple-jack for Mr. Boggs, with the view of
expressing, through it, his full and thorough appreciation of Boggs's
oratory. Mr. Boggs accepted it. Inquiry was then made of Mr. Boggs as to
what he had desired to say in his speech. He stated substantially, that,
having been engaged in loafing about, and doing nothing, he had had no
time to prepare a contribution for the entertainment of the club.
So completely had the eloquence of Mr. Boggs riveted the attention of
the club, that they had hardly made a commencement in disposing of the
beverages which had been ordered; Mr. Dropper proposed that, as Johnny
Cake was not to be employed in drinking, he having ignored the proffered
port wine sangaree, he should occupy their time by relating his
experience. To this he expressed his willingness to accede. He stated,
however, that he had been on a flying visit to Illinois since his
initiation into the Elephantine order, and that he was consequently
unable to furnish them with any experience of an interesting nature, in
New York. But some interesting incidents had occurred on a railroad
train, which he had undertaken to note down, with the view of reading to
the club.
Mr. Johnny Cake here produced a roll of manuscripts, which, after he had
straightened up his collar, he proceeded to read. The manuscript read as
follows:--
"I do not propose, now, to give you a glimpse of anything within the
city. In fact, it is my intention to inflict upon you an
extra-metropolitan scene, which I recently witnessed, and which, though
funny, was not comfortable, and I don't care about experiencing it
again."
The section of country to which your attention is called was
flat--positively flat--comparatively stale, and superlatively
unprofitable. It was a western prairie marsh, the home of gigantic
frogs, the abiding place of water-snakes and musk-rats; where flourished
in luxuriant profusion, bulrushes, water-cresses, pond-lilies, and such
like amphibious and un-get-at-able vegetables. Through that particular
locality a train of cars was not only seen, but heard going at 2'40"
speed over a pile-bridge, made across a Michigan swamp, by driving
black-oak logs end-wise into the mud. The people therein were covered
with dust, as thickly as if each man had been a locomoting Pompeii,
each woman a perambulating Herculaneum, and some vagrant Vesuvius had
been showering ashes on them all for a month. They were lying about
loose in the cars, after the ordinary fashion of people on a tedious
railway journey; curled up in some such ungraceful and uneasy positions
as the tired beasts of a strolling menagerie probably assume in their
cages during their forced marches across the country. To carry out the
parallel, the conductor came along at irregular intervals, and with
deliberate and premeditated malignity, stirred up the passengers, as if
they were actually animals on exhibition, and he really was their
keeper, and wanted to make them growl. And this conductor, in common
with conductors in general, deserves notice for the diabolical ingenuity
which he displayed in forcing from his helpless victims the greatest
number of growls in a limited space of time.
The cars had just left the flourishing prairie city of Scraggville,
which contains seven houses and a tavern, and a ten-acre lot for a
church, in the centre of which the minister holds forth now from a cedar
stump. At the tavern, dinner had been served up, and the conductor,
according to the usual custom, had started the train as soon, without
waiting for his passengers to eat anything, as the money was collected.
The population of our train, which exceeded that of the great city of
Scraggville by about one hundred and seventy persons, had composed
itself for a short nap, and the various individuals had settled as
nearly into their old places as possible, when a man, remarkable for a
particularly lofty shirt-collar, a wooden leg, and an unusual quantity
of dust on the bridge of his nose, began to sing. He commenced that
touching ballad, now so popular, "the affecting history of Vilikins and
his Dinah." The pathos of his words, added to the unusual power of his
voice, waked up his right-hand neighbor, before he had proceeded any
further than to inform the listeners that,
"Vilikins vas a-valking"----
This neighbor who was so suddenly aroused, and who was distinguished by
a steeple-crowned hat, did not appear to care _where_ Vilikins was
a-walking, or to take much interest in the particulars of the said walk,
for he immediately turned on the other side, tied himself up in a worse
knot than he was in before, and attempted to sleep again. He had in so
doing shaken from the top of his mountainous hat about half a peck of
cinders, directly into the mouth of the vocalist. The latter gentleman,
however, seemed nothing disconcerted by this unexpected pulverulent
donation, but, removing those particles which most interfered with his
vocal apparatus, he proceeded with his melody. This time he progressed
as far as to state emphatically that,
"Vilikins vas a-valkin' in his garding one day,"
And was about to add the explanatory notes, that it was the "back
garding," when his left-hand neighbor emerged from a condition of
somnolency into a state of unusual wakefulness.
The most noticeable thing about this last named individual was the
optical fact that he had but one eye. And as this solitary orb was
partially filled with the dust which had accumulated therein, during a
ten hours' nap in a rail-car, over a sandy road, with a headwind, it
might be supposed that his facilities for visual observation were
somewhat abridged. This did not prove, however, to be the case, for with
a single glance of this encumbered optic, he seemed to take in the
character of the singer, and to make up his mind instanter that he was a
good fellow and a man to be acquainted with.
Acting promptly upon this extemporaneous opinion, he held out his hand
with the remark:
"I don't want to interfere with any arrangements you have made,
stranger, but here's my hand, and my name's Wagstaff--let's be jolly."
The singer had by this time got to the chorus of his song, and although
he took the extended hand, his only immediate reply to the observations
of one-eyed Wagstaff, was "too ral li, too ral li, too ral li la," which
he repeated with an extra shake on the last "la," before he condescended
to answer. And even then his observation, though poetic, was not
particularly coherent or relevant. It was couched in the following
language.
"Jolly? yes, we'll be jolly. Old King Cole was a jolly old soul, and a
jolly old soul was he. He called for his pipe and he called for his
bowl--wonder if he got it? My name is Dennis, my mother's maiden name
was Moore, so that if I'd been born before she married, I'd have been a
poet, which I'm sorry to say, don't think it, for I ain't. I'm glad to
see you, Mr. Wagstaff, and as you say _you're_ jolly, and propose that
we shall _all_ be jolly, perhaps you'll favor me by coming out strong on
the second and fourth lines of this chorus.
"I'll do my little utmost," said Wagstaff.
[Illustration]
And he _did_ do his little utmost with a will, and their united voices
croaked up again the first man with the steeple-crowned hat, who hadn't
got his eyes fairly opened before _he_ joined in the chorus too, and he
gave his particular attention to it, and put in so many unexpected
cadenzas and quavers which the composer never intended, and shakes that
nobody else _could_ put in, and trills that his companions couldn't keep
up with, that he fairly astonished his hearers. And he didn't stop when
they did, but kept singing "tooral li tooral," with unprecedented
variations, and wouldn't hold up for Dennis to sing the verses, and
wouldn't wait for Wagstaff to take breath; but kept right on, now
putting a long shake on "tooral," now an unheard of trill on "looral,"
now coming out with redoubled force on the final "la," and then starting
off again, as if his voice had run away with him and he didn't want to
stop it, but was going to sing a perpetual chorus of unceasing "toorals"
and never ending "loorals."
For fifteen minutes his harmony was allowed uninterrupted progress, but
at length Wagstaff, putting his hand over his mouth, thereby smothering,
in its infancy, a strain of extraordinary power, addressed him thus:
"I don't want to interfere with any of your little arrangements,
stranger, but, if you don't stop that noise, I'll knock your head off.
What do you mean by intruding your music upon other people's music, and
thus mixing the breed? Don't you try to swallow my fist, you can't
digest it."
The latter part of this address was called forth by the frantic efforts
of the unknown amateur to get his mouth away from behind Wagstaff's
hand, which he at length accomplished, and when he had recovered his
breath he made an effort to speak. The musical fiend, however, had got
too strong possession of him to give up on so short a notice, and he was
unable to speak more than ten words without introducing another touch of
the magical chorus. The address with which he first favored his
companions ran something after the following fashion and sounded as if
he might have been the identical Vilikins, unexpectedly recovered from
the effects of the "cup of cold pison," or prematurely resurrected from
the "same grave," wherein he had been disposed by the "cruel parient" by
the side of the lamented "Dinah."
"My friends, don't interrupt the concert--too ral li, too ral li, too
ral li la. I'll explain presently--with a too ral li, too ral li, too
ral li la. I'm delighted to meet you--allow me to introduce myself--ral
li la--I am a professional--loo ral li, loo ral li--man--ral li la--my
name is Moses Overdale--with my loo ral li, loo ral li, loo ral li la."
Here he stopped, evidently by a violent exertion, and shook hands with
each of the others, and afforded such a view of his personal appearance
as satisfied the individual of the solitary optic, and his companion of
the vegetable leg, that they had fallen in with another original--added
to the fact, with which they were already well acquainted, that he had a
powerful, though not very controllable voice. Other things about the
newly-discovered person showed him to be a man far above, or below, or,
at least, differing from, the common run of people one meets in a
railroad-car. His face, had it been visible to the naked eye, through
the surrounding thicket of hair, might have passed for good-looking; but
the hirsute crop which flourished about his head was something really
remarkable. If each hair had possessed as many roots as a scrub oak
sapling, and had grown the wrong way, with the roots out, there couldn't
have been more; or if each individual hair had been grafted with a score
of thrifty shoots, and each of them, in turn, had given off a multitude
of sandy-colored sprouts, and each separate sprout had taken an
unconquerable aversion to every other sprout, and was striving to grow
in an independent direction of its own, there wouldn't have been a more
abundant display of hair, growing towards a greater variety of hitherto
unknown points of compass. It was so long that it concealed his neck and
shoulders, and you could only suppose he had a throat from the certainty
that he had a mouth. And even the mouth was in its turn ornamented with
an overhanging moustache, of a subdued rat-color, which also was long,
running down the corners of the jaw, and joining the rest of the beard
on the neck below. A shirt-collar, turned down over his coat, was dimly
visible whenever the wind was strong enough to lift the superincumbent
hair.
Taking into account the physical curtailments of Overdale's companions,
the trio consisted of about two men and a half.
Dennis now proposed that they should go on with the song, he
volunteering to sing the verses, and requesting the reinforcements to
show their strength when he said, "_Chorius_"--the mention of music
excited Overdale's harmonic devil again, and he was obliged to twist his
neckerchief until he was black in the face, to choke down an embryo,
"tooral," which ran to his lips before the cue came, and seemed to
insist upon an immediate and stormy exit; by dint of the most
suffocating exertions he succeeded in keeping back the musical torrent
until the end of the verse, when it broke forth with a vengeance.
And then Wagstaff struck in, and Dennis took a long breath, and _he_
struck in; and they waked up a couple of children, and _they_ struck in;
and Dennis put his wooden leg on the tail of a dog, and _he_ struck in;
and the locomotive put on the final touch, by shrieking with a frightful
yell, as if it had boiled down into one, the squalls of eleven hundred
freshly-spanked babies.
And they kept on, Dennis singing, in a masterly manner, the historical
part; the charms of Dinah the barbarity of the cruel parient, the
despair of Vilikins, the death and burial of the unfortunate "lovyers,"
their subsequent ghastly reappearance to the cruel parient, and his
final remorse, had all been related; the "chorus of tender maidens" had
been pathetically sung by the musical trio; the "chorus of cruel and
unnatural parients," had been indignantly disposed of; the "chorus of
pisoned young women," had been spasmodically executed: the "chorus of
agonized young men, with an awful pain in the stummack," had been
convulsively performed; the "chorus of cold corpuses," had been
sepulchrally consummated; and the musical enthusiasts were laying out
their most lugubrious strength on the "concluding dismal chorus of
gloomy apparitions," when the concert was interrupted by the train
running off the track and pitching a part of the passengers into a
sand-bank on the right, throwing the remainder into frog-pond on the
left, and gently depositing the engineer on a brush heap, where he was
afterwards discovered with the bell-rope in his hand, and his legs
covered up by the smoke-pipe.
It was soon ascertained that no very serious damage was done, beyond the
demolition of the engine, which had left the rail without cause or
provocation, and was now lying by the side of the road with its head in
the mud, wrong end to, bottom side up, roasting itself brown, steaming
itself yellow, and smoking itself black, like an insane cooking-stove
turned out-doors for misbehavior.
[Illustration]
Overdale got out of the sand without assistance, and, save a black eye,
and a peck or two of sand and gravel in his hair, was none the worse for
the accident. Wagstaff crawled out of the frog pond, looking as dripping
and juicy as a he-mermaid; while Dennis, though unconscious of any
painful hurt, had sustained so serious a fracture of his wooden leg,
that he found it necessary to splice it with an ironwood sapling before
he could navigate.
It being discovered that the danger was over, and that there was nothing
more to fear, the ladies, as in duty bound, began to faint; one old
lady fainted, and fell near the engine; happening, however, to sit down
in a puddle of hot water, she got up quicker than she went down; young
lady, rather pretty, fainted and fell into the arms of four or five
gentlemen who were waiting to receive her; another young lady fainted,
and didn't fall into anybody's arms, being cross-eyed and having a wart
on her nose; maiden lady, ancient and fat, got near a good-looking man
with a big moustache, and giving notice of her intention by a
premonitory squall, shut her eyes, and fell towards moustache; she had
better, however, have kept her eyes open, for moustache, seeing her
coming, and making a hasty estimate of her probable weight, stepped
aside, and the gentle creature landed in a clump of Canada thistles,
whence she speedily recovered herself, and looked fiery indignation at
moustache, who bore it like a martyr; young lady in pantalets and curls
tried it, but, being inexperienced, and not having taken the precaution
to pick out a soft place to fall, in case there didn't anybody catch
her, she bumped her head on a stone, and got up with a black eye;
jealous married lady, seeing her husband endeavoring to resuscitate a
plump-looking miss, immediately extemporized a faint herself, and fell
directly across the young miss aforesaid, contriving as she descended,
to break her husband's spectacles by a malicious dig with her elbow; in
fact the ladies all fainted at least once apiece, and those who received
the most attention had an extra spasm or two before their final
recovery, while the vicious old maids whom nobody cared for, invariably
fell near the best-looking girls, and went into furious convulsions, so
that they could kick them in the tender places without its being
suspected that their intentions were not honorable.
During this characteristic female performance, our musical trio had not
been idle. Dennis had been busily engaged in splicing his wooden leg.
Wagstaff had seized a bucket from the disabled engine, and nearly
drowned three or four unfortunate females with dirty water from the
frog-pond. Overdale was attracted to the side of a blue-eyed girl, who
had swooned in a clean place, behind a concealing blackberry bush, and
he had rubbed the skin off her hands in his benevolent exertions to
"bring her to," and had meanwhile liberally peppered her face and neck
with gravel-stones and sand, from the stock which had accumulated in his
hair when he was first pitched into the sand-bank.
Everybody was eventually convalescent, and likely to recover from the
damage which nobody had sustained; the gentlemen had repented of the
prayers which they had not said, and were now swearing ferociously about
their fractured pocket-companions, and their broken cigars; and the
ladies were regaling each other with multitudinous accounts of
miraculous escapes from the horrible accidents which might have killed
everybody, but hadn't hurt anybody. Another engine was sent for, and the
cars ran to the end of the railroad, seventy miles, before the women
stopped talking, or the men got anything to drink.
The musical trio, whose united chorus had been so suddenly interrupted,
met at the bar of the nearest tavern for the first time since the run
off; their greeting was peculiar, but characteristic; when they came in
sight of each other, they didn't speak a word, until they solemnly
joined hands and finished the "too ral li la," which they hadn't had the
leisure to complete at the time of their sudden separation. Overdale,
true to his ruling passion, wouldn't stop when the others did, but was
going on with an extra "tooral li, looral li," when Wagstaff presented a
glass of strong brandy and water at him; the plan succeeded; he stopped
in the midst of a most astonishing shake on the first "looral," and
merely remarking, "To be continued," he yielded, a passive captive to
the fluid conqueror.
Subsequent conversations disclosed their future plans, and it was
discovered that they were all journeying to the same place, New York
city; and that their several visits had one common object, to see the
mysteries of the town. An agreement, which I overheard, was quickly
made, that they should remain together, and pursue, in company, their
investigations.
They proceeded harmoniously on their journey, singing "Vilikins" between
meals every day; and when Overdale couldn't stop in the chorus at the
the proper time, Wagstaff corked him up with a corn-cob, which he
carried in his pocket for that purpose.
It so happened that I continued on the same trains of cars with this
interesting trio of eccentricities, until we took the steamboat at the
Dutch village, where the State Legislature meets. After the last verse
of their customary evening hymn had been sung, with a strong chorus, as
they were about to shelve themselves in their state-rooms for the night,
I heard Overdale remark to his companions:
"When shall we three meet again? In thunder, lightning, or--well, no
matter where. Dennis, you see this black eye; I have to make this
particular request, that if this steamboat blows up in the night, and
you take a fancy to black anybody's eye, you'll pick out somebody's
else."
"I didn't black your eye; what do you mean?"
Overdale explained thus: "I could a tale unfold, which would--but I
won't--I'll tell you how it happened, nothing extenuate or set down
aught in malice. When that locomotive ran off the track, the shock threw
us both, as you are aware, about fifteen feet straight up in the air--as
I was going up, you were coming down, and you were practising some kind
of an original pigeon-wing with your wooden leg, and, in one of its
fantastic gyrations, it came in contact with my visual apparatus, and
damaged my personal beauty to the extent you see;--don't do it any more,
that's all, my friend, don't do it any more."
Dennis expressed himself exceedingly sorry--"Overdale, my hairy friend,"
said he, "at the particular time you speak of, that leg was not under my
control, and I am not accountable for the misbehavior of that leg; but I
solemnly promise that, if we _are_ blown up before morning, if I see
which way you go, I will do my best to travel in a different
direction."
Each of us, myself included, then went to his state-room, achieved his
allotted shelf, rolled himself into so small a ball that the narrow
blankets would cover him, and laid in feverish restlessness, awaiting
that morning bell which should summon him to disperse himself into his
pantaloons, go on deck, and catch the first glimpse of smoky Gotham, the
home of the undiluted elephant.
[Illustration]
"Hooror for Johnny," said Mr. Spout, as he rushed towards that
individual to offer his congratulations. The other members followed
suit, and Johnny, anticipating that he would be favored with a bear-like
hug, more boisterous than pleasant, unless he acted promptly to prevent
such a consummation, ran into one corner, squared off, and threatened to
show an immoderate pugnacity, if they made any immoderate demonstrations
of fraternal affection. The language and action of Johnny had the effect
to check the enthusiasm of his friends, and they resumed their places.
Johnny then came out, and made a peremptory demand of Mr. Spout that he
telegraph to the saloon below for a lemonade for his (Johnny's) private
consumption. Mr. Spout announced the impossibility of acceding to
Johnny's demand, as there had been no signal agreed upon which should
indicate to the individual below that a lemonade was wanted. Johnny
said that he could not hold Mr. Spout to a strict accountability on that
occasion, but if he did not arrange a signal to indicate his future
wants, he should proceed to expel Mr. Spout from the club. Under
existing circumstances, he should go down below and order personally a
strong lemonade, to be made of considerable lemon, some sugar, and a
good deal of water. Johnny disappeared through the door. He had been
gone three minutes, by Quackenbush's bull's-eye silver watch, which he
says keeps excellent time as long as he hires a boy to move the
balance-wheel, when the Higholdboy arose, and proposed "The health of
the Elephant--may his shadow never be less," which was to be drunk in
silence, standing. All the members had assumed an erect position,
required for the performance of this imposing ceremony, when a yell of
such prodigious dimensions, entitling it to be called a roar, followed
by a most extraordinary clattering outside the door, as of three persons
trying to ascend abreast a flight of stairs only wide enough for one,
and quarrelling about the precedence, and in the intervals of their
emphatic remarks to each other uttering cries of exultant triumph, as if
they had made some long-sought discovery, suddenly petrified the various
members into flesh and blood statues with breeches on, and mouths open.
Not long, however, did they remain thus inactive, for a mighty rush from
the outside carried the door from its hinges, knocked Mr. Quackenbush,
the stalwart guardian of the portal, into a far corner of the room, and
disclosed to the astonished gaze of the assembled Elephantines, the
forms of three individuals, to them unknown. The action of the
Higholdboy, who first recovered his senses and his presence of mind, is
worthy of remembrance. Keeping both eyes fixed upon one of the
intruders, he deliberately drank the contents of his tumbler, and then,
taking a cool aim, he threw the glass-ware at him. This act of the
Higholdboy was regarded as an announcement, by implication, that
crockery and glass-ware could be used on the present occasion
offensively, and accordingly the other members followed the example of
their chief. For a few minutes the destruction of property was great,
and the more so, as, whenever a tumbler, plate, bottle, or any other
similar missile fell to the floor unfractured, one of the three
intruding parties would stamp on it with one of his feet, and pulverize
it instanter. When the crockery was all disposed of, the assault was
renewed with lemons, crackers, bologna sausages, and whatever
projectiles remained, and the chairs and tables would have undoubtedly
followed suit, had not the precaution previously taken, of chaining them
up, precluded the possibility of their being used for this purpose. The
result of this peculiar reception of the intruding parties was the
temporary demolition of one, who had been hit over the head with the
lemon-squeezer, and knocked down in the corner behind the chair of the
Higholdboy. The second person had rolled himself up in a heap as well as
he could, drew his head into his coat, and seemed resigned to whatever
might be his fate. The third, however, made no resistance whatever, but
rushed into one corner, turned his face to the wall, in which position
he sustained for five minutes a brilliant cannonade of lemons, Boston
crackers, with an occasional bomb in the shape of a nut-cracker and
doughnut, for which affectionate tokens of respect he was indebted to
the kindness of Van Dam, who bestowed upon him his undivided attention.
At the moment when the utter defeat of the invaders was shown to be a
fixed fact, Johnny Cake reëntered the room. He saw the confusion which
was everywhere apparent, and his first inquiry was as to the cause.
Before he had been answered his eyes caught a sight of the party in the
corner, who had ventured to turn his face around.
"Here," said Johnny, "you've got one of my railroad party, whose
adventures I have detailed to you this evening."
"The devil!" said Spout.
"How unfortunate!" remarked Quackenbush.
"Are you seriously injured?" asked Van Dam of the man in the corner, who
was no other than Overdale.
"Nary time," was Overdale's response. "But where's Dennis?" he asked.
"Here," said Dennis, as a head was seen to protrude from itself a
coat-collar, like a tormented turtle from its shell, and, after some
scrambling, Mr. Damon Dennis was erect and experimenting with his wooden
leg, with the view of ascertaining whether it had suffered another
fracture since the railroad experience.
Wagstaff also essayed forth from behind the capacious seat of the
presiding dignitary of the club, and, after shaking the wrinkles out of
himself, was once more himself.
Johnny Cake here introduced himself to the parties. They remembered him
as having been one of the audience which listened to their free and easy
concerts whilst travelling. They were then successively introduced to
the different members of the club, all of whom expressed their regrets
at having received them in so informal a manner, whilst Dennis,
Overdale, and Wagstaff, protested that the apologies were useless, as
they should not have made such an informal call. Mr. Spout again
operated the telegraph for all parties, and when they were once more
seated, Johnny Cake called on their uninvited guests for an explanation
as to how they had found out their location. The statement was given by
all three of the parties in disconnected sentences, sometimes one
talking, and sometimes all. The narrations occupied about an hour in
their delivery, and were replete with interest, but too long to be
incorporated _verbatim_ into these veracious records. The facts
disclosed, however, were substantially these:
After leaving the steamboat, they made their way to the Shanghae Hotel,
without loss of life or further limb. Each had his carpet-bag in his
hand, and having made a demonstration towards the hall-door, the
attendants came out to relieve them of their loads. Unused as they were
to a reception of this kind, their greeting was rather peculiar than
otherwise. Overdale put his hands on his pockets, and told _his_
gentleman to clear out. Wagstaff, with great presence of mind, knocked
_his_ down instanter. Dennis started to run, but finding his wooden leg
impeded his speed, sat flat down on the sidewalk and called for a
constable. Being eventually satisfied that the intentions of the
individuals were honorable, they went into the house and placed their
names on the register; Overdale, who did not understand this last
performance, expressing his surprise that they should be required to
sign a note for their board as soon as they came into the house. They
were shown to separate rooms, and each proceeded to make himself as
comfortable as his limited knowledge of the uses of the bedroom
furniture would admit, preparatory to making his appearance in the
dining-room. They were all shown this latter part of the establishment,
after they had visited, arm-in-arm, the barber's shop, the ladies'
parlor, and the hat-shop next door, in their vain search for something
to eat.
As they entered the room, and the head waiter approached, for the
purpose of showing them some seats, Overdale took his arm, and, having
marched the whole length of the room, was finally seated at one end of
the table, while his two companions were accommodated with chairs
immediately opposite. Their exploits at their first dinner in the city
were many--being all of them ignorant of napkins, and innocent of silver
forks, their performances with those unknown articles were something out
of the common order.
Having recovered from their first impression, that the bills of fare
were religious tracts, left for the spiritual improvement of the
boarders, by the Moral Reform Society, and having ascertained that they
were in some way connected with the science of gastronomy, they
proceeded to call for whatever they imagined would suit their palates.
Wagstaff began with tarts, then taking a fancy to a jelly, he reached
for them, and devoured them all, seventeen in number; and concluded his
dinner by eating a shad without picking out the bones.
Dennis, had somewhere heard of ice cream, for which frigid monstrosity
he immediately called; when it came, not knowing exactly how to dispose
of it, and perceiving that other people made use of the bottles from the
caster-stand, he concluded that it would be proper to season his cream
in like manner. He began with the pepper, followed it with vinegar, kept
on to the Cayenne, added a good quantity of oil, drowned it with
ketchup, and then with unusual impartiality, not wishing to neglect any
of the bottles, he poured Worcestershire sauce over the whole. He eat it
with the mustard-spoon and pronounced it excellent.
Overdale seeing a gentleman, on leaving the table, throw down his
napkin, called to him across the room that he had dropped his
handkerchief, and then with the consciousness of having done a
neighborly turn, he proceeded to eat his dinner. He studied for some
time over his own napkin, but eventually concluded that it would be
proper to put it in his chair, so that he would not soil the cushion,
and accordingly disposed of it in that manner, and sat down upon it with
great care, for fear he should tear it. He then opened his bill of fare
at the wine-list, and after puzzling for some time over the names, put
his finger in the middle, and told the waiter he would "have some of
that." The servant perceiving how matters stood, and having compassion
on his queer customer, brought him some soup. He at once set to work to
eat it with his fork, in which attempt he scalded both his mouth and his
fingers, whereupon he drank the water in his finger-bowl to cool his
mouth, and wiped his fingers in his hair to reduce their temperature.
The considerate waiter came once more to the rescue, and brought him
some beef, and also performed the same kindness for Dennis, and probably
saved him from absolute starvation. But Overdale, never remarkable for
strict temperance, looked for something to drink, and perceiving nothing
that looked juicy, save the bottles in the castor-stand, he took out one
of them, and having filled an egg-cup with the contents thereof, drank
it down. As it was salad oil, he did not feel disposed to repeat the
experiment. Having cleaned his nails with a nut-pick, and pared an apple
with a fish-slice, he concluded his performances by putting half a dozen
fried oysters in his pocket and leaving the table.
At night they went immediately to bed, only finding their own rooms
after poking their heads into every other apartment on the same floor,
and eventually securing the services of the chambermaid as a guide.
Overdale having got this lady to light his gas, was not able to get to
bed without doing something further extraordinary, so wishing to open
his window, he called a boy to his door twenty-seven times, by pulling
at the bell-rope, which he imagined to be connected, in some
inexplicable manner, with the sash. He was at last ready to go to sleep,
when he blew out his gas, and laid down on the carpet, covering himself
with the hearth-rug, fearing to get into the bed lest he should rumple
the sheets. He woke up subsequently, and yelled for a waiter. One
happened to be passing in the hall at that moment, and answered his
call. Overdale asked where the tavern-keeper was, as he wanted too see
him. He didn't want to be imposed upon, if he was from the country, and
considered it a huge imposition to put a man into a room which was right
over an asafoetida factory. The waiter comprehended the nature of Mr.
Overdale's difficulty, and explained to him the nature of carburetted
hydrogen, and the mistake that he had made in blowing out the light,
instead of turning off the gas. Mr. Overdale thanked the waiter for his
valuable information, and after waiting for the room to be well
ventilated, he retired to rest--this time, however, in the bed, the
waiter having kindly explained to him that the bed-clothing was nicely
adjusted for the express purpose of being rumpled up, in order to give
employment to a useful class of the community known as chambermaids.
In the morning, by one of those curious coincidences which we know do
happen, but for which we cannot account, our three rural friends found
themselves, at precisely eight o'clock, in the bar-room, before the bar,
and calling upon the major for something to drink. Each drank, after
which they went in to breakfast.
The bill of fare not being so complicated as the one on the dinner-table
the day previous, and being printed in good readable English, they had
no difficulty in procuring breakfast entirely to their satisfaction.
After arising, and supplying themselves with cigars, they started out on
an exploring expedition through the city.
Overdale, having read a good deal about the various "lions" of the town,
assumed to know all about it, and therefore Dennis and Wagstaff
acquiesced in his taking the lead; Wagstaff taking notes of everything
for the benefit of his children when he returned home.
They strayed into Taylor's saloon, which Overdale informed them was the
Crystal Palace. Gurney's Daguerreotype Gallery he stated was the
American Art Union. The three then took the cars on the corner of Canal
street and Broadway, Overdale remarking that he hoped all their lives
were insured, as they were now on the Camden and Amboy Railroad. Dennis
hoped they would run off the track in such a way that his wooden leg
would be again broken. He would then retire for a few weeks, swear that
he had lost a leg by the accident, sue the company for fifty thousand
dollars damages, compromise by accepting ten thousand, and then go to
Kansas and set up a faro bank. As they passed the Jefferson Market
fire-alarm bell-tower, Overdale said it was a shot tower, erected in
revolutionary times. They then arrived at the real Crystal Palace, which
Overdale declared answered to the descriptions he had read of Fulton
Market. The submarine armor which was on exhibition, he explained was a
flying machine. The statue of the Amazon was noted down in Wagstaff's
book, upon the authority of Overdale, as a cast-iron black foot squaw,
on a prairie mustang. The fountain was announced to be a patent
frog-pond. After writing down an accurate description of the
fire-engines and hose-carts (the first of which Overdale supposed to be
perpetual self-acting locomotives, and the second a newly-invented
threshing machine), Wagstaff proposed they should leave. The Croton
Reservoir, Overdale stated was the gas-works. They then ascended the
Latting Observatory, which their intelligent informant assured them was
Trinity Church. From the altitude they here attained, they were favored
with a view of a large extent of country. Overdale called the attention
of his companions to the High Bridge over the Harlem river, of which
they had an excellent view. He said that it was one of the few gigantic
relics of the architecture of the Norsemen, whom he stated populated
this country ten centuries before Columbus sculled over here in a
scow-boat. This was the same bridge, he further remarked, which Edgar A.
Hood, a historian, and an intimate friend of Nicholas Galileo, a poet of
the sixteenth century, had spoken of as "bridge of size." Mr. Overdale
stated that the squadron of pleasure-yachts anchored at Hoboken were a
number of clam-sloops, which had probably been abandoned by their
owners, because they were old and unseaworthy. Jersey City, he was
inclined to believe, from its general description and situation, was the
Sixth Ward, which he further stated was in the centre of the Five
Points. The Penitentiary on Blackwell's Island, of which they had an
excellent view, he informed them was the City Hall--the regular resort
of the Common Scoundrels of the city. When they left the Observatory
they strayed over into Avenue D, which, upon the word of the intelligent
Overdale, Wagstaff described in his book as the Bowery. After mistaking
the Dry Dock for the Battery, and a Williamsburg ferry boat for a
Collins steamer, they continued to wander about, making divers mistakes,
all of which were faithfully noted down as facts in Wagstaff's notebook.
At eight o'clock in the evening, they found themselves in the Franklin
Museum, whither they had gone on Overdale's invitation, to visit the
Free Love Club. When the performance was over they sallied out, and
fetched up in a German lager-bier saloon in William street, where the
assembled Teutons were singing their national airs. For a moment
Overdale was in doubt, but, after two minutes' thought, he informed his
friends that they were in the Academy of Music, listening to an Italian
Opera. When they left they were full of music, they having caught the
inspiration from being in the presence of foreign artists, and
immediately commenced to sing once more "Vilikins and his Dinah," with a
strong chorus, but were almost immediately choked down by the police.
They wandered about disconsolate, inquiring frequently of some hurrying
passer-by where they could find the elephant, and receiving in reply to
their interrogations a great variety of directions as to his
whereabouts, from disinterested persons, all of which they noted down
for reference. They searched an hour and a half for "my uncle, in the
second story of the Fifth Avenue Railroad," which individual, they had
been informed, could give them the desired information; they walked
about four miles in search of "No. 1 'round the corner," at which place
they had been assured, by a venerable female of Milesian accent who sold
peanuts on the curb-stone, they would undoubtedly find the wished-for
quadruped on exhibition. In the course of this latter search, as they
were about to venture into a promising-looking saloon, for the purpose
of procuring something to allay their thirst, Wagstaff caught a glimpse
of the miniature elephant which was over the door of the club-room; and
imagining that he had discovered the veritable animal, he uttered a cry
of joy which attracted his companions to the same object, upon which
they made a grand rush up the flight of stairs. Where they got to, and
how they were received, is already told.
When the narrative had been concluded, Mr. John Spout, the Higholdboy
of the club, declared in solemn terms, that, by virtue of his office,
the three persons whose adventures had just been related by themselves
should be henceforth considered members of the Elephantine order. He
added that any member might object if he chose, but it wouldn't do him
any good, as he should immediately overrule the objection, and kick the
daring objector down stairs.
This persuasive manner of addressing the members had the desired effect.
They were convinced by the gentle logic of their dignified superior
officer, and they could not have the heart to oppose him had they felt
so inclined.
Messrs. Wagstaff, Overdale, and Dennis, who were thus so summarily
promoted, were solemnly sworn in on a boiled ham, after which all hands
joined in singing, "We won't go home till morning." It may be proper to
add, in respect to this last musical asseveration, and as a deserved
tribute to the veracity of the persons concerned, that when they said
they wouldn't go home till morning, _they didn't_.
THE COLORED CAMP-MEETING.
There is a divinity that shapes our ends,
Rough----
SHAKSPEARE.
[Illustration]
An evening or two after the facts related in the last chapter of this
veritable and never-to--be-believed history, the members of the club
were seated in silent deliberation round their table, each man smoking a
short pipe by a special order of the council; an unusual commotion was
noticed at the end of the table where John Spout was supposed to be
anchored. First the smoke, which had settled, in a thick, hazy layer,
upon everything, and concealed the members from each other, as if they
had mutually pulled the wool over each other's eyes until all were for
a time invisible, was observed to wave to and fro, as if agitated by
some powerfully moving cause, concealed from the observers by the
fragrant tobacco fog which had been raised by the joint exertions of the
assembled multitude. A few minutes more disclosed the arm of John Spout,
working like an insane windmill, backwards and forwards, to open a clear
space, and make himself visible to the naked eye.
After the lapse of some little time, and the expenditure of no small
amount of muscular power in this interesting exercise, the ruddy
beef-face of the Higholdboy beamed forth from the encircling mist, like
a good-natured light-house, which had been on a spree the night before,
and got up with a red nose, in consequence of the nocturnal dissipation.
As soon as he had cleared a space about him large enough for him to
speak without danger of suffocation, he announced that he had a
proposition to lay before the honorable body, and proceeded to state
that he had observed in a morning paper an advertisement of a
camp-meeting, to be held at a distance from the city easily accessible,
by a 2'40" team, in a couple of hours. He, moreover, went on to say,
that the presiding officers of the gospel-hunt were to be of a sable
complexion, and that the greater part of the congregation was expected
to be of the same color--in fact, it was to be what a Bowery boy would,
in his peculiar, but not inexpressive dialect, call a "Nigger Methodist
Camp Meeting." The proposition of the pious Mr. Spout was that the
Elephants should pack their pockets, and proceed to the scene of action,
for the purpose of picking up any superfluous piety that might be lying
around loose, and of making themselves generally agreeable, and having a
good time all round.
The suggestion was listened to with approval, and it was unanimously
_Resolved_, that the Elephants proceed to the campground in the morning.
A special committee, consisting of the entire club, was appointed to see
that every person was provided with all the necessaries of life, and the
requisites for having a juicy time.
In consideration of his being the mover of the scheme, it was moved that
J. Spout, Esq., should be empowered to procure from the livery-stable
the necessary conveyances, and should become personally responsible for
the same.
The proposition was agreed to, with a clause to the effect that when he
paid the bill he should treat the company with the change.
Each man then appointed every other man a committee to raise the means,
and keep himself sober until the appointed hour, after which they
adjourned to prepare.
At eight, by the City Hall clock (and, of course, half-past eight by
every other clock in the city) next morning, the convention was
incomplete.
For an hour there were three men lacking; but Mr. John I. Cake finally
made his appearance, with his breeches tucked into his boots, a
horsewhip in his hand, and a suspicious-looking protuberance immediately
over his left coat pocket. The attention of the company being called to
this, Johnny explained by saying that it was his Testament and
hymn-book, and that he had been all the morning engaged in turning down
the leaves at the proper places, so that he might not be interrupted in
his devotions. A half hour longer was appropriated in waiting for
Wagstaff and Overdale, but at the end of that time, those two worthies
failing to appear, the party resolved to start without them, Boggs
remarking, that if those tardy individuals failed to reach Heaven
because of their religious shortcomings, they could not say, in
extenuation of their offence, that their fraternal Elephants had not
waited a sufficient time to give them an opportunity for salvation.
The vehicles provided for the occasion were two single buggies, into
which all seven of the party were to pack themselves, a feat which was
finally accomplished, much to the detriment of Johnny Cake's
shirt-collar, and greatly to the discomfiture of Quackenbush, who had to
sit in behind, and let his legs hang over.
Van Dam took the reins of the foremost carriage, and his first exploit
was to run the wheel against the curb-stone, and spill the party into a
coal-hole, from which they were rescued by the exertions of the
bystanders. They once more started on their journey, under the
supervision of Quackenbush, who was recalled from the stern of the
craft, and made to assume the guidance of the crazy horse.
Van Dam, on being deprived of his charge, immediately went to sleep, and
waked no more, except when his companions roused him to pay the toll,
which they did at every gate, until there was no more small change in
his pockets than there is gunpowder in a tom-cat, after which they
offered to pay every time with a twenty-dollar bill, and as no one would
assume the responsibility of changing it, they passed free, and
proceeded merrily enough until they reached the encampment of the devout
darkeys.
There being no taverns immediately adjoining, the horses were made as
comfortable as circumstances would admit of, under a beech-tree, in a
clover-field, and the human part of the Elephantine delegation marched
in an exceedingly irregular procession to the camp ground; the line of
march being occasionally thrown into disorder by John Spout, who
persisted in making protracted and strenuous efforts to squeeze
something wet out of a Schiedam schnapps bottle, which had been dry as a
powder-horn ever since Quackenbush had his last pull at it.
A description of the sylvan scene which met their metropolitan gaze may
not be out of place.
It was in a clearing, in a piece of beech and maple woods. Stands were
erected for some of the prominent speakers; slabs were laid from stump
to stump, for the accommodation of such of the brothers and sisters as
desired to sit still and listen to the preaching, and in places straw
was laid on the ground, for the special benefit of such as had the
"power," and wanted to get down on the ground and have a private tussle
with the devil on their own account. Stands were erected under the
trees, in the shadiest spots, by enterprising white folks, for the sale
of gingerbread and root-beer, and it was rumored that some speculators,
distrusting the appearance of the "sperits of just men made perfeck,"
had supplied their place with other spirits, full as potent and equally
reliable.
The grass might have been agreeable to look upon at a distance, but a
close inspection showed it to be full of pismires; the stumps would have
been commodious seats, if they had not been most of them previously
appropriated by black-snakes; the sleeping places would have been tents,
if they had not been huts, and a poetical fancy might have pictured them
as being constructed of canvas, white as the driven snow, but the
practical mind instantly discovered that they were made of oak slabs and
dirty horse-blankets. Some imaginative people would have set down the
speaking of the ministers as eloquence if not inspiration, but a
critical individual would have found fault with the bad grammar, and
insinuated that the inspiration was all perspiration.
At the north end of the ground, a big darkey in his shirt-sleeves was
mounted on a platform, preaching to a crowd, who seemed, by their
vermicular contortions, to be possessed of a legion of eely devils. On
the west side, a fat wench was stirring up the fire under a big kettle
of soup, seemingly composed principally of onions and ham; in a sly
corner a red-shirt b'hoy was displaying the mysterious evolutions of
the "little joker," and two small specimens of ebony juvenility were
playing euchre on a basswood log; opposite to these, mounted on a cider
barrel, a molasses-colored gentleman was going through a rather
extraordinary performance; he had preached till his audience had all
left him; then shouted "Hallelujah," and "Glory," till he was hoarse;
had sung hymns in a spasmodic whisper till his voice gave entirely out,
and now, in despair at being unable to speak, yet compelled to work off
his superabundant religion, as if he were a locomotive with too big a
head of steam on, he was dancing on one leg, and kicking the other about
in a kind of perpetual pigeon-wing, and tossing his arms upwards in a
wild and original manner, as if he was using his utmost endeavors to
climb to heaven on an invisible tarred rope.
To the shouts of the men, and the screams of the women who had got too
much religion, was added the laughter of the outsiders, who hadn't got
enough religion, and the swearing of the gamblers, who hadn't got any
religion; and to complete the harmony, from a neighboring pasture was
wafted the roars of a herd of cattle, applauding, in their own peculiar
manner, an extemporaneous bull-fight.
Mr. Dropper gave it as his opinion, that camp-meeting religion, if
analyzed, would be found to consist of equal parts of rum, rowdyism, and
insanity. As, however, it was deemed improper to decide without a
complete examination of the premises, it was resolved to proceed in
company to explore the place.
Quackenbush, who had resumed his nap on the grass, was roused, and after
getting the grasshoppers out of his hair, the sand-flies out of his
ears, and pulling off his boots to look for centipedes, he was declared
ready for active duty, and they proceeded on their march.
They found in a side hut of more pretentious appearance than the rest,
that there was something unusual going on, and upon inquiring,
discovered that one of the fragrant flock having transgressed, he was
then having his trial before the "session."
The party moved on to where the minister in his shirt-sleeves was
edifying a small, but select, not to say noisy, congregation. The
audience seemed to be affected much in the same manner as a strong shock
of electricity will stir up a crowd of boys who have all got hold of the
same wire. As there seemed to be a prospect of fun, the Elephants made a
temporary halt to witness the same.
The sermon was now concluded, and the shirt-sleeve-man kneeled down on
the platform and began to pray; he must have had no inconsiderable
amount of similar exercise before, for the knees of his pantaloons were
worn entirely through, and there was a large hole behind where he had
sat upon his heels.
No sooner had he fairly commenced praying than some of the more
energetic in the crowd began to groan; when he made a thorny point, and
said something about the "arrow of conviction," some fat wench would
sing out "Glory;" when he put in a touch about hell fire and other
torrid climates, they would cry out "Yes, Lord." And when he put in an
extra lick about repentance, and death, and damnation, and other
pleasant luxuries, the whole crowd fairly screamed with excitement.
At length a powerful darkey, with a head like a cord of No. 1 curled
hair, and with nothing on to hide his black anatomy but a pair of thin
breeches and a blue shirt, began to give unequivocal manifestations of
the workings of his faith; first he kicked a woman with his right leg,
then he kicked a little boy with his left, then he punched one of the
brethren in the stomach, then he stepped on the toes of a grey-haired
class-leader, but, as both were barefooted, no harm was done; then he
yelled like seven Indians, and howled like seven Irishmen, and danced
about like a whole regiment of crazy Dutchmen. When he opened his mouth,
the minister dodged the yawning chasm, and the man fell down and
sprawled about in the mud, striking about with his arms and legs, as if
he were swimming on a bet, and was only two minutes from the stake-boat.
At last he ceased to move, and stiffened out as if he had suddenly
swallowed a rifle-barrel, which stuck in his throat like Macbeth's amen.
The damaged brethren gathered round; the sisters, after giving their
injured shins a consoling rub, also came to the rescue, and the man was
picked up. He was foaming at the mouth; his teeth were set together so
that a fence-stake was required to pry them apart; his shirt was
unbuttoned (his pantaloons had unbuttoned themselves); a pailful of
water out of the nearest frog-pond was dashed in his face, and he soon
so far recovered himself as to ask for corn whisky. All immediately
sang, with a strong chorus, a thanksgiving hymn, that his soul was
saved; though what connection there was between corn whisky and
salvation puzzled the Elephantines some, if not more.
When this interesting episode in the day's performance was concluded,
the participants picked themselves up, and prepared to again besiege
Satan in his stronghold, the north side of Sebastopol of the hearts of
sinful niggers. Singing was the first feature, and the hymn was of a
style unique, and, to the Elephants, highly refreshing. In point of
comparison they had never known anything like it, and the execution was
incomparable to anything known to exist by them. An athletic colored
individual sang the words of the hymn, and, after each verse, the whole
congregation would join in the swelling chorus.
The effect of the hymn was electric. No less than twenty-seven colored
females were seized with spasmodic religion, whilst over a dozen of the
sterner sex found themselves unable to longer resist the thirsting of
the spirit for religious nourishment, and they, too, fell over, and,
amid the howling, kicking, singing, shouting and indescribable confusion
that followed, Mr. Quackenbush expressed it as his opinion that chaos
had come.
But Mr. Boggs was seriously affected by the performance. He fell down in
the grass, and laughed, and rolled, and positively refused to be
comforted or get up, until the rest of the company ran sticks in his
ears, and put last year's chestnut-burs down his back. When he had
sufficiently recovered, the members of the club renewed their
investigations. They listened to several exhortations and hymns, and
then peeped under the horse-blanket tents. In one they saw a youthful
wench, trying to pray with her mouth full of cold sausage. Her efforts
were useless, and becoming satisfied of this fact herself, she
concluded, very sensibly, to no longer try to save her soul on an empty
stomach, but see to her bodily wants first. Before she had got ready to
pray again she had drank a pint of gin, which so heightened her
religious enthusiasm that she made a dive among the pious elders, gave
four shouts of glory, and fell into the arms of a venerable gentleman,
who divided his time for the next hour in kissing the young sister, and
crying amen and glory in alternation.
At last, the Elephants concluded to return to the city. They piled
themselves into the vehicles, and by means of sundry persuasive
arguments, the horses were induced to reach the livery-stable, rather
warm, inside of two hours.
After the party had stowed away divers beefsteaks and onions, and other
articles of food, they ascended into the club-room. Here they found
Overdale and Wagstaff, both asleep. They were awakened, and, in a
peremptory manner, the Higholdboy demanded to know why they had not
been on hand in the morning at the place of rendezvous, to witness the
sable performance in the rural districts. The answers of the two
offending individuals differed. Wagstaff assigned as a reason that he
was asleep, whereas Overdale stated that he wasn't awake. The Higholdboy
announced himself satisfied with the answers.
FURTHER DISCOVERIES.
"There is a tide in the affairs of men,
Which taken at the flood leads on----"
[Illustration]
WITH the facts contained in our last chapter, the members of the
Elephantine order may be said to have fairly begun their herculean
labors. Certain it is that all the spare time they could command was
devoted to an investigation into the particular speciality in zoölogical
science, for which the club had been organized; and certain it is that
the prospect of some rare contribution from members at the next regular
meeting was good.
The meeting night arrived at length, the members were all present, and
punctual to the hour.
The Higholdboy had brought with him a pair of boxing-gloves, which he
announced were to be used in this wise: He was determined to keep order
in the meetings, and this, too, even if he had to resort to severe means
to do so. But actuated by the same feelings of benevolence which
animated the legislators who caused the passage of laws to prevent
cruelty to animals, he did not want to do physical injury to the
refractory members of the club. Therefore, he had brought the aforesaid
boxing-gloves, so that when he knocked a member down, he wouldn't either
draw blood or give him a black eye.
This humane considerateness on the part of Mr. Spout was warmly
commended by the brethren, and Mr. Quackenbush, in behalf of the club,
_Resolved_, that the Higholdboy is a model presiding officer.
This resolution in behalf of the club was adopted by Mr. Quackenbush.
Overdale here arose and said that he fully coincided with the spirit of
the resolution; he had a proposition to make, however, which was to
order up some cold corned beef, celery, mustard, rolls, and butter,
provided he would consent to let the members keep order after their own
fashion.
This appeal to Mr. Spout's feelings was irresistible, and he gave his
full consent, saying that that was all he had contemplated under any
circumstances, and if they could ring in Overdale for the feed, it was
so much gained. It was accordingly ordered that Overdale give his order.
Mr. Boggs said that boxing-gloves forcibly reminded him of some
experience he had had several years previously. Though a person by no
means thin, and notwithstanding the fact that he had been for years
troubled with chronic good health, yet, from reading at that time
various physiological works, he had become convinced, that from the want
of proper physical training, his dissolution might be considered near at
hand, unless he took immediate measures to save his precious life by
means of active exercise. He accordingly visited the gymnasiums, but the
idea of putting himself into such fantastic shapes as he saw young men
doing, was to him not to be thought of. Further, he was decidedly
opposed to the idea of making himself the laughing-stock of a set of
young rascals by his awkward efforts in his incipient progress. Whilst
he was yet undecided, a friend suggested to him that he procure a couple
of pairs of boxing-gloves, and practise with them. "Having purchased the
gloves," continued Mr. Boggs, "I was still at a loss to know how to
proceed. I didn't want to practice with anybody, because I knew that my
awkwardness would make mirth for them, and to this I was decidedly
opposed. Under these circumstances I resorted to other means. In the
garret of the house in which I lived was a mammoth stove--in fact,
gentlemen, a stove which I could strike and not knock over, which would
not laugh at me in my attacks, and therefore a stove with which I made
up my mind to have a few rounds each day.
"The next day I went up into the garret. There stood the sable champion
of heavy weight, and, for the first time in my life, I stripped myself
of my coat, to fight without being appalled. The stove loomed up in
giant proportions; I stood before it, and squared off as well as I knew
how. I imagined I saw the stove's right fist coming at my left eye. I
parried off the blow, which, without doubt, would have been aimed at me,
had the stove had a right fist as I imagined, and with my right fist I
planted a stunner in the place where his bread-basket should have been.
The result was a powerful reaction, and I found myself sprawling on the
floor. I ascertained that I was not damaged, and wisely determined then
that I would not strike such powerful blows in the future.
"I again squared off, and began putting in the blows in rapid
succession, whilst I managed successfully to keep my adversary from
hitting me in even one of the many attempts which I imagined he made. I
kept up the practice about an hour.
"The next day I resumed my practice, and I kept it up for several weeks,
when I fancied that I was sufficiently expert to 'travel on my muscle.'
"To be sure, I had fought an inanimate object, which could not strike;
still, in the tussles I had imagined the stove striking at me from all
conceivable directions, and I had not only been able to guard-off these
imaginary blows, but I had shown the stove that I could put in a few
astonishers between times.
"I was ready now for practice with a living adversary. But who was he to
be? that was the question. I was still unwilling to call in any of my
acquaintances, as I might possibly after all be found _veni, vidi,
vici_, as we say in the classics, which, when translated into English,
means weighed in the balance and found short (suppressed snickers).
"One day, as I was cogitating upon the matter in front of the house, a
big nigger, full six feet in height, came along. He looked as if he
wanted a job, and with a good deal of trepidation, I ventured to ask him
if I was right in supposing him anxious to make a half-dollar. I found
him to be an eager candidate for any position, from a cashier of a
bogus bank up to a boot-black. I took him up in the garret and disclosed
to him the nature of my desires, and took occasion to inform him that I
would give him a half-dollar for two hours services per day, and a
quarter in addition never to say a word about the matter; to this he
assented, and I told him to put on the gloves. He took the dirty pair
out of respect to me (not taking into consideration the probable
consequence to me, in case of his succeeding in putting in a few licks),
and I took the clean pair.
"We squared off, and occupied a minute or two in preliminary practice; I
felt fully confident that I could manage him quite as easily as I had
the stove, and after telling him to do his best, I proceeded to give him
a poke in his breast. We gradually warmed in the work, the blows passed
more frequently, and as we proceeded I became conscious of the fact that
I managed to put in almost one blow to his three. I then made my
calculations to give the nigger a regular rib riser, and just as I was
about to consummate this well digested plan, I became apprised that
something important had happened; what it was I was unable for a minute
or two to decide; several thoughts passed rapidly through my mind. One
idea I had was, that a bombshell from Sebastopol had exploded in the
identical premises which I was then occupying. But this gave way to
another, which was that New York had been tipped over into Buttermilk
Channel; then again, I thought that somebody was using my head for a
rattle-box; several other theories suggested themselves to me, all of
which were equally reasonable. But at any-rate the cause of the peculiar
sensations was soon solved. The nigger had given me a clip, covering the
lower part of my proboscis, my mouth, and chin, had set my nose
bleeding, and cut my lips somewhat against my teeth, and the blood was
flowing profusely.
"I looked around for the nigger, but he had disappeared; the probability
is that he thought he had been the cause of my death, and fearing an
indictment for murder, had vamosed without stopping to get his fifty
cents.
[Illustration]
"I picked myself up as well as I could, and travelled down stairs to my
room. A look into the mirror presented to my view an interesting picture
of my self; not only were my nose and lips swollen, but the gloves which
the nigger had on, being blackened with the stove-blacking, had
communicated the metallic polish to my face and shirt, so that both
were of a beautiful sheet-iron color. I kept my room for ten days; sent
word to the landlady that I had the measles, and requested that nobody
be admitted to my room but the servant who brought me my food, and him I
feed liberally to keep mum. When I got well enough to go out, I loaned
my boxing gloves to a young gentleman, with my mind fully made up that
if he never offered to return them, I shouldn't send a constable after
him, nor ask him for them. I have not indulged in any amusements of the
kind since, and I am glad to announce that I am fully satisfied with my
past experience in the study of the science."
Mr. Boggs's narrative was loudly applauded. He, however, protested
against the civility.
Mr. Van Dam characterized it as a valuable contribution, which called
forth from Mr. Boggs the question, "What the devil he meant by calling
it a contribution; he had no idea of the kind."
The members insisted that, however he might regard it, it certainly was
a valuable contribution to their entertainment, and would grace the
archives of the club.
Mr. Boggs stated that had he entertained the most distant idea he was
doing anything of any value to anybody, he should have never been able
to say a word. If it was a contribution he was glad of it.
The Higholdboy then called upon the other members for their
contributions to science.
Mr. Quackenbush responded, and after drinking some Croton water diluted
with gin, he began:
"Last evening I started out on a cruise, with the view of seeing the
elephant on the streets by gas-light. I saw the identical elephant to be
seen every evening, and with which you are all familiar, and I began to
think about eleven o'clock that I should be compelled to retire to rest
without having seen anything worthy of note. To be sure, I had seen a
fight between a nigger and Irishman, which, after the first round, was
finished by each party running away as fast as his legs could carry him,
thereby tacitly acknowledging that he was beaten; but what was this?
Every one of you have been in fights, and of course it would be
unnatural to suppose that a description of a scrimmage of brief duration
between an Irishman and a nigger would be particularly interesting. I
was about to turn my footsteps homeward, when the movements of an
individual attracted my attention. The person in question was a
gentleman of about forty-five years of age. His height was fully six
feet, his form was very spare, his face thin, his nose sharp and
prominent, his eyes and hair grey, and his face closely shaven,
wrinkled, and sallow. He was dressed in a plain black dress-coat and
pants, of a style about three years old. His vest was of black satin,
his shirt-bosom was scrupulously white; a black silk choker was tightly
enveloped about his neck, above which peered a diminutive collar, which,
when it was put on, was without doubt a standing-collar, but the starch
had not been made of such a consistency as to render it consistent for
the collar to stand up against the unstiffening effects of a hot day's
sweating. As I saw him, he was coming down the street at a rapid rate,
describing all sorts of geometrical figures on the sidewalk, and making
efforts to sing the words of "Yankee Doodle" to the tune of "Old
Hundred." Whenever he ran against an awning-post, he would stop, and
expostulate with the post for its want of civility, and would insist
that the post had never been born and bred in the St. Lawrence country,
or it would have shown more politeness to strangers. He was entirely
unable to account for the sudden revolutions of the earth, which made
day and night follow each other in such quick succession. When he ran
against a lamp-post, he would look up to the light and insist that it
was dinner-time, and would wonder why the old woman didn't blow the
horn. At that moment a policeman came along, and was going to take him
into custody. On observing the policeman's uniform, he inquired of him
whether he was a 'Merican or British soger, and whether the Russians had
whipped Nicholas, and whether Cuba had begun to bombard General Pierce
at Sebastopol. I knew the officer very well, and he suggested that as
the man seemed to be quite respectable in his appearance, it might be
well to take him to a hotel for the night. I volunteered to do this, and
accordingly took him under my care. On going down, he asked me if I was
a karvern teeper, as he wanted to take a drink of bed, and then go to
sleep on a blass of grandy. I told him I was, and would see him put to
bed all right. On asking him his name, I learned that he was Deacon
Josiah Pettingill, of St. Lawrence county. We got to the hotel, and I
informed the clerk that the gentleman was a country friend of mine, whom
I wanted stowed away for the night, and for whom I would call in the
morning. I accompanied him to the room, assisted in removing his
garments, and, after putting him between the sheets, I left the
premises. This morning I called on him at his room, and found him still
asleep. I proceeded to awaken him. It occupied some minutes to explain
to him the true condition of affairs. At last, the whole of the
occurrences of the previous evening seemed to come to his recollection.
"He inquired his condition when I found him. I told him that he was at
that time considerably drunk, and disposed to be somewhat noisy.
"'Well, squire,' said he, 'I shouldn't be surprised if it was so; the
fact is, my head aches at this minute as if it was ready to bust, and it
feels jest as it did once in my lifetime, a good while ago, when I took
too much egg nogg; that was full twenty-five year ago; for awhile, I
felt as if I was ridin' to Heaven over glairy ice down a high hill, on a
bob-sled with its runners greased. But I never got there; I know one
thing sartain--a few hours afterward I felt as if the bob-sled had run
agin a stump, when almost tu the bottom of the hill, and the concussion
had landed me intu a cauldron-kettle full of fever and ager and
blacksmiths' hammers, mixed together in equal parts; it wasn't funny,
squire; I went right off and jined the church, and hain't been blue
since, unless I wos last night.'
"I asked Mr. Pettingill to give me a history of his experience in the
city. He complied, and stated the facts as follows:--
"'Well, you see, squire, I come to the city last evenin' from Albany, in
the railroad, and when I got tu the shed where the railroad stops, I
got out. A feller stepped up to me as important as a bantam cock after
he has crowed for the first time, and asked me where I wanted to go. I
told him I wanted tu go tu a first-rate tarvern. He said that idea was
ridiculous; that they never allowed distinguished strangers tu go tu
tarverns, and, unless he was mistaken, I was something above the common
folks from the rooral deestricts. I told him I was supervisor of the
town where I was born and brought up, in the St. Lawrence country. He
said he was thunderin' glad to hear it, as he himself was something of a
high cockalorum of New York. He insisted upon my gittin' intu the
carriage and goin' tu his private dwellin', as it would be vulgar tu go
tu tarverns. I asked him if the St. Nicholas Hotel was common. He said
that nobody but those that wasn't no great shakes went there. We finally
come to a real big, purty stun house, and the man jumped off from the
carriage. He told me again that if he was rich he wasn't proud, and it
was a way he had of always ridin' outside and drivin'. I told him I
always done so, only in the consarn I had they all rode outside, for the
reason that there warn't no inside. With that he larfed, and said that
all folks didn't have jest the same way of doin' things, and we went tu
the door. A nigger come and opened the door, and we went in. There was
about twenty gentlemen, fixed off tu kill, and a table sot with bottles,
and everything as slickery as could be. The man who brought me took me
tu a fine-looking gentleman and told me that he was his brother, that he
was obleeged tu go out on business connected with his office, but that
he would be back by 11 o'clock; he said his brother would see tu me, and
do the scrumptious while he was gone; well, we set down to the table; he
was orful kind, for he helped me tu everything he could on the
table--all kinds of chicken-fixens and gingerbread arrangements; he then
asked me tu take a glass of wine; I told him I was a little tew much of
a temperance man for that; he said certainly he wouldn't ask me if I had
any scrooples agin' it; he asked me if I was opposed to drinkin' cider;
I said no, if it was sweet; he said that they had got in, about a week
before, a barrel of sweet cider, which had jest enough snap in it tu
make it taste good; he told the nigger to take a bottle of wine up
stairs tu his sick nephew, and tu bring a pitcher full of cider up
stairs from the new barrel; the nigger left with the bottle and the
pitcher, and in about five minutes came back intu the room with the
pitcher full of the slickest cider I ever seen; I drunk some of it, and
it tasted so good that I drunk more; when I had taken almost enough,
the gentleman asked me tu go into the back room where a lot of men was a
setting around a table, holdin' little round pieces of bone in their
hands and puttin' 'em down, and another man was fumblin' with some
pieces of paper; I asked him if they wasn't playin' cards, 'cause I
thought they looked as if they was; he said no, that they was Wall
street stock-dealers, and that the pieces of bone stood for so many
shares of stock; he asked if I wouldn't like to become a stock-jobber,
and he said there was a power of money tu be made at the business; I
said I guessed not, but he seemed tu be anxious tu do a little at it
himself, and he asked me to lend him a hundred dollars which he would
give back tu me when his brother came; after he had give me three or
four more glasses of cider, which, by this time, he poured out of
bottles, I handed him my money-puss and told him tu help himself; he
opened it and took out all there was in it, which was ten dollars; he
asked me if that was all I had got, and I told him that my calculations
bad been jest right; that when I started from hum I had an idee that I
should land with jest ten dollars in my puss; he then asked me if I had
brought any checks or drafts, and I told him no; so he said he would
borrow the ten, and he went into the stock business pretty heavy, and I
watched to see how he made in the speculation, but after takin' three or
four more glasses of that cider, I kinder lost the run of the
speculation; he then said it would be a good idee tu go out and get some
fresh air, which we did, after taking a little more of that cider; as we
went along the streets, I thought that we didn't have tu move our
feet--that the street moved up and down tu save us the trouble; the
houses kinder got to playin' blind man's buff, and the streets got to
heaving up and down orfully, and when I was wonderin' what on airth made
it, I missed the gentleman; that, squire, is about all I recollect; but
the fun of the matter is this, that I was cute enough not tu tell the
gentleman I had three hundred dollar bills tucked behind the strap of my
boot, in the leg.'
"Mr. Pettingill then took one of his boots from the floor, drew out the
three hundred dollar bills, and held them up as a triumph of St.
Lawrence cuteness.
"'Now,' said he, 'squire, I want you tu show me a tarvern where nobody
won't want tu borrow money of me. I am a little 'spicious of that man's
brother. I don't believe he intended to pay me.'
"I told him that his present quarters were as desirable, in all points
of view, as any he could find in the city, after which I informed him,
much to his astonishment, that he had been taken to a gambling-house,
and it was owing to his 'cuteness,' which, it seems, did not forsake him
when drunk, that he had not lost all his money.
"Mr. Pettingill thanked me for the part I had taken in his behalf, and
gave me a pressing invitation to come to his place in St. Lawrence
county, next summer, and spend a month with him, all of which I promised
to do, if it was possible."
Mr. Quackenbush was congratulated on his good fortune in coming across
that particular species of the elephant, whose nature and
characteristics he had so happily and correctly delineated in his paper.
It was moved by Mr. Dropper that a copy of the contribution be requested
from Quackenbush, to make cigar-lighters of, and that the original be
deposited in the big room of the American Institute, as a specimen of
bad chirography.
Mr. Q. said he would see them blowed first.
Mr. Van Dam next proceeded with his contribution:
"A few evenings since," said he, "as I was passing through one of the
streets of Gotham, I observed a crowd collected near a corner grocery.
Thinking that an opportunity was afforded to see something worth taking
a note of, I ran for the spot in time to see the difficulty. I found
there a man, holding with each hand a boy, and both of the juveniles
making frantic efforts to release themselves from his grasp. The man was
a small, cadaverous-appearing individual, a compound of gamboge and
chalk, the gamboge predominating. There was a tinge of yellow in his
face, he had yellow hair, and he had on a suit of summer clothes, made
of some yellow material. Nature had favored him with a dwarfed
moustache, composed of twenty-eight yellow hairs, and also an incipient
beard, made up of seventy-six yellow hairs, and turned out in the shape
of a triangle, the base of which rested upon the chin, at the point
where it begins to retreat, and the apex of which reached the middle of
his under lip.
"The appearance of the boys would indicate that they were of Irish
birth. One had a squint-eye and a head of hair which the youth of
America are accustomed to designate as 'brick-top.' His snub nose was
ordinarily directed to an imaginary point in the heavens, about
forty-five degrees above the horizon. His garments were not altogether
the style which would be pronounced _au fait_, by a Broadway leader of
the fashion. It would seem that he had only one purpose in view in
jumping into the aforesaid garments, which purpose was, not to create a
sensation, either by the accuracy of their fit, or the newness of the
material, but rather to cover his form, and keep out the cold, at such
times as the clerk of the weather was induced to fetch up "heated terms"
all standing, and give us a specimen of the temperature, perhaps
somewhat mollified, which is supposed to exist in the immediate vicinity
of Symmes Hole. The description of one of the boys will do very well for
the other, except that in some particulars he was a little more so, and
in others a little less, which statement, gentlemen, I consider
sufficiently definite for all practical purposes.
"The sympathies of the bystanders seemed to be decidedly in favor of the
boys, who were so violent in their resistance that the man could hold
them only with great difficulty. Once they tripped him, and then all
three fell over a barrel of turnips, upsetting a barrel-cover containing
apples; but the man was enabled to continue his hold on the boys. At
last, when one of them, by tangling his leg around the man, upset him
into a tub of pickles, the man called out, in a shrill voice, 'Vatch!
vatch!' All this transpired amid the shouts of the lookers-on. 'Go in,
blinky,' said one. 'Keep a going, sour krout,' said another; and various
were the remarks of this character which were heard. But, as usual, the
police were not at hand, and the sequel proved that their absence was
rather to be desired than otherwise. Notwithstanding the fact that the
sympathies of the crowd were apparently in favor of the boys, yet the
general feeling seemed to be that the merits of the case should be
understood, and when the boys made an effort to escape, they were
prevented; and when the vanquished German had extricated himself from
the pickle-tub, one of the persons asked what the boys had done.
"'Do,' said the grocery-keeper, 'dey do so much as to sends dem to de
States brison. Dey is de vorst poys as runs in de shtreets. De oder
night dey comes here to mine shtore-crocery a koople of times, and ven I
vas not see dem, dey ketch my cats by de dails, and dies vire-crackers
to de cat's dail, on de shtep-valk, and den sets vire to de crackers,
and trows de cats down. Den de cats she runs like de tuyvel into de
shtore so much scare. She yump all around on de counters, over into de
barrels, breaks into bieces some new bottles vat I buy yust, sets vire
to some paper vat vas lay on de counters, tumbles over ebery dings vat
vas in de vay, and gets all shplitter shplatter mixed up togedder. I
find some shweet oil bottles shpill in de box fon green dea; she knock
down fom de shelf a big match-box, vich hold a gross fon matches, and
dey go off and shmell so vorse mit primstone as if de tuyvel had moved
into mine shtore-crocery, and I can't tell you so much damage as it do;
and ven I look for de cats, I find her about an hour rolled up in a
pasket fon green beas, mit all de hair scorch off de pehind side fon
her. Dis vas on Saturday night vill be two veeks.'
"'Why didn't you catch them then?' asked one of the party.
"'Ketch dem,' said the grocery-man; 'pefore I vas get over mine scare,
dey vas run avay, and you might yust so vell try to find a needle mit a
hay-shtacks as to find dem. But I tells de constopples about dem, and
dey say dey vill look out for dem. Vell, two tree days go by, and von
morning I comes down shtairs to unlocks de door fon mine shtore-crocery.
De key vas in de inside de door, and ven I durns dem round to unlock dem
yust, I hears some-dings shoot off on de oder side de door. I vas much
scare, and I runs up shtairs, for I dinks some feller vants to shoot me,
and I sends my vife out de oder door to look round on de shtep-walk, and
see who vas dere. Ven she come back she say der bin no beeples dere, and
so I go vonce more to unlocks de door. I durns de key so quick as I can,
ven pop! crack! shoot! I hears again de noise. I vas so much scare dat
I falls over, and I bulls de door open. Ven I finds I vas not shoot, I
looks in de lock and finds dere some bieces baper, vat you make de
little vite vire-crackers--you call'----
"'Torpedoes,' suggested one of the persons present.
"'Yes, dorpedoes,' resumed the German, 'dat's the name.'
"'How do you know these boys put torpedoes in your lock?' asked one.
"'I know it so vell as I vants to know,' was the response.
"'Did you see 'em do it, or did anybody else? was the next question.
"'No, I did not see dem do it, but I know it was dem I can, shvear it
vas dem,' said the confident accuser.
"'Pretty good swearin,' said a man in a red shirt. 'Say, old sour
krout,' he continued, 'what else have the boys done?'
"'Mine Gott!' said the corner grocery-man, despairingly, 'is dat not
enough vat I have tell you? Ven I go out my shtore-crocery for a minute,
vonce dey durns de shpiggot fon de lager bier and vinegar parrells, and
dey runs out in de floor and vaste; ven doy see me in de shtreets dey
calls me '_Old nicht's cum araus, sour kraut, sprech Deutsch._' Dey
finds dead rats, and trovs dem on mine awning till dey shmells so bad;
dey brings an old barber's pole, and sets dem up before mine
shtore-crocery, on vich vas paint, 'shaving done here,' and ven de
beeples see de sign, dey laughs and say good, and it make all mine
customers dink dat I cheat dem.'
"'Is that all?' inquired a bystander.
"'No,' said the German, emphatically, 'I can tell you more as dat.'
"'But how do you know these boys did all these things,' inquired
another.
"'All de beeples say dey is de fellers,' was the reply.
"'What did they do to-night?' inquired another of the crowd.
"'Vell I tell you dat,' said the persecuted merchant. To night I vas
shtand in front von mine shtore, to talk mit a carman, who have bring
some dings to me. Pretty soon, he get on his cart and drive off, and ven
he shtart, a parrell von botatoes, dat shtand on de edge fon de
shtep-valk, tip over in de shtreet, and de botatoes fall out and
shcatter about, and the parrell it go yumping along de shtreets, mit de
cart; I holler for de carman and he shtop. Ven I go to see, I find dat a
rope vas tie round the parrel, and hitch to de cart-veel close; vell, I
bick up de botatoes, and put de parrel vonce more on de shtep-valk, and
keep vatch. Soon I see dese boys come along, and dey look at me mit de
tuyvel in deir eyes, and I know it vas dem. Yust den I run and ketch
dem.'
"The details of the case being pretty well understood, it became a
question with the crowd what should be done. The general opinion was
that the boys were wrong in their continued annoyances of the Dutchman,
though they did not think the case was one sufficiently aggravated to
justify their being turned over either to the police or to the vengeance
of the grocery-man. At last a portly old Knickerbocker, who had laughed
heartily at the Dutchman's narration, essayed to act as spokesman.
"'What's your name,' said he to one of the boys with assumed gravity.
"'Mike Hannegan,' said he, 'and this 'ere boy is Barney Doolan.'
"'Oh, you young rascals,' continued the gentleman, 'you deserve to be
arrested for your bad ways. You are very bad boys, you know you are,
whether you are the ones who have bothered the Dutchman or not. He
guessed right, I think, in supposing you to be the boys. But if these
gentlemen will let you off, will you stop troubling him in the future?'
"'Yes, sir,' said both of the boys, meekly.
"'Then cut stick, both of you,' said he.
"Just then an individual with a remarkable loaferish air, dressed in a
blue single-breasted frock coat, with a row of military buttons, a blue
cap with silver mountings, and a brass star on his breast--an
individual, in brief, known as a policeman--arrived on the spot, and
inquired what was the trouble. After informing him that he was a day
after the fair, I left the vicinity."
When Mr. Van Dam concluded, on motion of Mr. Boggs it was
_Resolved_, that the members of the club do now proceed, each man for
himself, to light his pipe.
The resolution was acceded to without a dissenting voter.
Dennis, Wagstaff, and Overdale, as usual, had been investigating in
company, Overdale taking the lead, and Wagstaff taking notes, and all
three occasionally taking egg-noggs.
A unanimous call was made for Wagstaff's notebook, which was immediately
forthcoming.
The reading of Mr. Wagstaff's notes was prefaced by statements on the
part of Dennis and Overdale which made the following facts apparent to
the club. The previous evening the three went into a Greenwich street
bar-room, on the invitation of Overdale to pay a visit to Delmonico's,
to get a piece of pie and some cigars. Whilst partaking of the order, a
singular person entered the room. His beauty was decidedly of the
yard-stick character. He was long as a projected Iowa railroad, and as
symmetrical as a fence-rail; his face was as expressionless as the head
of Shakspeare which is seen on the drop-curtain of the Broadway Theatre,
surrounded by a triple row of attenuated sausages. His square and
angular shoulders made him resemble a high-shouldered pump, while his
arms moved with as much ease and grace as the handle to the same. Long,
black hair, parted in the middle, was soaped down until the oleaginous
ends reposed upon the unctuous collar of his seedy coat. His
shirt-collar, guiltless of starch, was unbuttoned at the neck and laid
far back over his vest, doubtless to display a neck which, had it been
cut off, was long enough to tie.
He had seated himself, and had settled down into a misanthropic quiet,
when a little stubby man, with one eye--the very ideal of a Washington
market butcher--happened to enter. As soon as the first-mentioned
subject saw him, he jumped up, rushed at the stubby man, and had hardly
touched him, before a blow from the fist of the stubby man caused him
to collapse on the floor. The stubby man followed up his success by
pulling the nose of his fallen enemy, and threatening to give him a
"tolerable shake-up, if he ever came round his shop agin'."
The conflict was brief, as it soon drew in quite a crowd, and amongst
others a policeman. The tall man was pointed out as the aggressor, but
the stubby man said "he didn't want to appear agin' the crack-brained
cuss; that he guessed he (the said cuss) had got the worst of it."
But the assembled multitudes were not satisfied. They thought it was due
to them that they should have an explanation, and as the tall individual
seemed anxious, and the stubby individual didn't make any objections, a
ring was formed to give the parties a chance to be heard.
The stubby man said that while the other was "exercisin' his jaw, he'd
have some ham'neggs;" whilst he was eating, the tall individual told his
story, which was one of blighted hopes, disappointed expectations,
unrequited love, and unappreciated genius. Wagstaff's notes of his words
read as follows:
"'My name is Julius Jenkins, and I have a cousin named Betsey Brown; I
love my cousin Betsey; have always loved my cousin Betsey, from the time
when as children we tore in loving partnership our mutual pantalets and
petticoats (for these legs once wore pantalets, and their symmetry was
hidden from admiration by petticoats), looking for blackberries in a
cedar-swamp; from the time we sucked eggs together in the barn-yard and
'teetered' in happy sport upon the same board; from the time we built
playhouses in the garden and made puppy-love behind the currant bushes;
from those happy days of rural felicity until the present time, my
cousin Betsey has been the ideal of my soul. We used to eat bread and
milk out of the same bowl, dig angleworms with the same shovel, go
fishing in the same creek, steal apples from the same orchard, and crawl
through the same hole in the fence when the man chased us. Through all
my lonely life the memory of cousin Betsey has been my guardian angel. I
have been exposed to dire temptations; once I was reduced to such
extremity that I was about to earn my dinner by sawing wood, but my
cousin Betsey seemed to rise before me and say, "Julius, don't degrade
yourself;" and I didn't. I cast the saw to the earth, and begged my
dinner from a colored washerwoman. I once accepted a situation as a
clerk in a retail grocery. I stayed a week, but on every barrel of
sugar, on every bar of soap, in every keg of lard, in each individual
potato, in every bushel in all the cellar, I saw the reproachful face
of my cousin Betsey; it rose before me from the oily depths of the
butter-firkin, and from the cratery interior of the milk-can; the very
peanuts rose up in judgment against me, and had on each separate end a
speaking likeness of my cousin Betsey, which said, "Julius, don't
degrade yourself;" I couldn't stand it; in the darkness of night I
packed up my wardrobe (comprising one shirt of my own and two I borrowed
from a neighboring clothes-line), helped myself to the small change, and
vanished; I became a painter, I executed a portrait of my cousin Betsey;
I asked a critical friend to see my masterpiece; he gazed a moment, and
then asked me which was the tail end; the dolt! he thought I meant it
for a pig; I wrote poetry to my cousin Betsey, but the printer returned
it because I spelled Cupid with a K, and put the capitals at the wrong
end of my words; the uninformed ass; he did not understand the
eccentricities of genius; I became an actor, and attempted Othello; at
the rise of the curtain I was saluted with a shower of onions from
appreciative friends, and at its fall I was presented by the manager
with a brush, to which he added his gratuitous advice that I should keep
the paint on my face and go into the boot-blacking business; I turned
composer, but could never get my "Bootjack Waltz" published, or my
oratorio of "The Ancient Applewoman" before the public; at last my
cousin Betsey came to live in the city, and I thought once more to
possess her love, but I found a rival; a one-eyed butcher; I wrote
letters to her; I know that they should have been tied with blue ribbon,
but necessity dictated cotton twine; I sent her presents; not so
valuable as I could have wished; my intention was good but my means were
limited; I could have wished to offer gold and jewels, but I could never
afford more than a string of smelts, or half a pint of huckleberries; I
resolved to serenade my cousin Betsey; I procured a violin, strung with
the daintiest filaments ever made from the bowels of the most delicate
female feline infant; I repaired beneath her window and commenced my
song, but the butcher came to the window, threw down a dime, and told me
to go away; he took me for an organ-grinder; I indignantly stamped the
money into the earth, but thought again, picked it up and purchased
some brandy to nerve me for a desperate deed; I had resolved to see that
butcher, to meet that butcher, to challenge that butcher, to fight that
butcher, to conquer that butcher or to die; yesterday I went to that
butcher's shop to execute my design, but he kicked me out. To day I came
in here in despair; who should come in but the butcher; now was my
chance; I rushed at him, but my personal strength was not equal to the
task; he boxed my ears, pulled my nose, and I was cheated out of my
revenge, simply because I wasn't able to lick him. Now I demand of this
intelligent assembly, as a matter of right, the instant annihilation of
the one-eyed butcher now present, the author of all my miseries, that my
Betsey may be restored to me.'
[Illustration]
"Mr. Jenkins sank into a chair, exhausted by his effort.
"The butcher wiped his chops on a red silk handkerchief, and then
proceeded to tell his story, which was as follows, as appears by
Wagstaff's notes;
"'This here feller's allers botherin' my wife, 'cause he says she's
his'n; yesterday he gits drunk, comes in my place, and wants to fight
me. I told him to leave, and he wouldn't, so I hussled him out. I
happened to come in here jus' now, and he comes at me. I doubles him
up, and that's the hull story.'
"The laconic statement of the one-eyed stubby butcher satisfied the
parties assembled that Mr. Jenkins's insane pursuit of another man's
wife had justly brought upon him the indignation of the husband, and he
was advised very generally, in the future, to cease all importunities of
a similar character.
"Finding that his story excited no sympathy in his behalf, Mr. Jenkins
left the place in disgust, and the three Elephantines soon after left in
an omnibus."
Mr. Spout here arose, and said he liked the story in all of its parts,
except the concluding joke, which he considered to be, not only unkind,
but uncalled for. He should take the liberty of considering it expunged
from the records.
Some member here dared to suggest that it was high time that the
Higholdboy should do something else than criticise the contributions of
his fellow-members.
Mr. Spout desired it to be understood that he should admit of no
dictation from inferiors; that he should exercise his own discretion in
deciding whether he would contribute to the amusement of others, or
criticise them in their efforts to be jolly. Yet, without giving up any
of this right, he would volunteer to lay before the club, on the
present occasion, a matter which, to him, possessed some points of
interest, and as he didn't care whether it interested the others or not,
he should state facts for his own amusement. He intended to laugh at
everything which he thought was funny, without any reference to the
comfort of others.
"The circumstance which I am about to relate," said Mr. Spout, "is one
in which a friend of mine was involved. My friend's name," he continued,
"is Bartholomew Buxton. He is the owner of a book-store, and was led
into that business on account of a thirst for reading. He is a man of
about thirty-five years, and his whole life has been passed in poring
over books. I regard him as a man of very rare intelligence, though his
intellect is not, perhaps, very fruitful of original thoughts. What is
remarkable with him is his personal appearance. He is a little man, just
large enough to be entitled to enter the army--that is to say,
'five-foot-four.' His body is very small, and his head very large,
round, and full. His hair is of a sandy color, and of the scratch wig
order of cut. His eyes are small, and one of them squints frightfully.
His complexion is quite pale. In the matter of dress, he wears usually a
pair of pants of a checker-board-pattern-on-a-large-scale cloth, blue
dress-coat, ornamented with large fancy brass buttons, and a vest--a
double-breaster--of the brightest scarlet. But these eccentricities in
apparel would hardly attract attention so long as the main feature of
his dress is visible. That feature is his collar. It is a remarkable
collar--a mighty rampart of linen, which encircles his head in a line
with the centres of his ears, almost meeting in his face. Numerous
reasons have been assigned for Mr. Buxton's going to such lengths (or
rather heights) in his indulgence in collar. One idea advanced is, that
he is actuated by a desire to economize in the expenses of washing, and
to do this, has the garments made in such a way as to be convertible
into collars at either end. Another suggestion is, that the collar is a
matter of utility, designed by Mr. Buxton to economize physical
strength, which, inasmuch as his head is very large and his body very
small, must be overtaxed to hold his ponderous brain-box erect.
"Gentlemen, three days since I received a call from my friend Buxton. He
appeared melancholy and dejected, which surprised me; but what surprised
me more, in respect to his present appearance, was the manifest
disarrangement of his collar. It did not stand up on one side with the
majestic erectness which characterized it on the other. On the left it
was hanging down flabbily; its self-sustaining power was departed.
"I saw, by his countenance, that something important to him had
occurred, and the appearance of his collar only tended to confirm my
suspicions. I accordingly asked him what was the trouble.
"'Trouble,' said he, 'enough of it. Sir,' he continued, 'last night I
was locked up in a cell at the station-house, for exercising the
privileges of a freeman--a native American citizen. I was arrested, and
violently dragged off to that cell, where I remained last night, and
this morning was tried before the magistrate, only, however, to be
acquitted. What made it worse was, that I should be arrested with a
nigger, and be tried with a nigger, and acquitted with a nigger. He was
a huge nigger--a colossal nigger--a nigger fully six feet and four
inches in height; his face betrayed no evidence of light--it was all
shade; he was a nigger, above all others, so black, that he would make
an excellent drum-major to a funeral procession, if custom sanctioned
the employment of that non-commissioned official on such occasions.
Inasmuch, however, as custom doesn't do any such thing, the next best
use to which the sable giant could be put, would be to make his face
the figurehead of a Broadway mourning store; with the exception of his
large size and remarkable black face, the nigger in question looked very
much like other niggers not in question. He was a nigger, in fact, who
gave as his name the half-classic and half-descriptive appellation of
Cesar Freeman. I have always been a "woolly-head" until now, but may I
be bursted if I don't go and join the Know Nothings to-morrow, and begin
a crusade against all niggers--particularly nigger-giants and nigger
women.
"'How did this occur?' I inquired, anxiously.
"'I'll tell you,' said he. 'But before doing so however, I desire to
state a fact. We have all our human weaknesses; indeed, it may be set
down as a truism that human beings do have human weaknesses to a greater
or less extent; I am a human being; I have my human weakness, and that
weakness is my collars; it required years of experiment to bring my
collars to their present perfection; nearly all of the quarrels I ever
had have been with laundresses who have failed to do them up to my
liking; if a man wishes to ruffle my temper he need only to ruffle my
collar, and it is accomplished; tell me the Savings Bank, where I
deposit my extra money, has collapsed in the region of the money-vault;
tell me that I have got to attend a charity ball; give me the jumping
toothache; place me in a Bowery stage with fourteen inside, and I in
juxtaposition to a dirty woman with a squalling baby who has got the
seven years' itch--all of these I can bear, but when it comes to
interfere with my collars it is going a point too far. Now I come to the
time when unforeseen circumstances brought me in violent collision with
this nigger of African extraction; I was walking down the street, near
where the belligerent demonstration took place, when I saw directly in
front of me a long-tailed man in an amiable-appearing coat--no--an
amiable-appearing coat in a long-tailed--no--I mean an amiable-appearing
man in a long-tailed coat. For my life I could not conceive why that
amiable individual's proclivities in matters of apparel should lead him
to wear a garment of so ridiculous a cut. I had just come to the sage
conclusion that it was because every donkey in the country chooses to
have his hips appear high or low to suit the caprice of Broadwa
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