← catalogue

The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun;

by Various · English · Gutenberg #29419 · 457,225 chars · public domain (US)

The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun;
    
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online
at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States,
you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located
before using this eBook.

Title: The Book of Anecdotes and Budget of Fun;

Author: Various


        
Release date: July 15, 2009 [eBook #29419]
                Most recently updated: January 5, 2021

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/29419

Credits: Produced by Chuck Greif, Patricia Ann Doyle Saumell and
        the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
        https://www.pgdp.net


*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE BOOK OF ANECDOTES AND BUDGET OF FUN; ***




Produced by Chuck Greif, Patricia Ann Doyle Saumell and
the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
https://www.pgdp.net









THE

BOOK OF ANECDOTES,

AND

BUDGET OF FUN;

CONTAINING

A COLLECTION OF OVER

ONE THOUSAND

OF THE MOST LAUGHABLE SAYINGS AND JOKES OF CELEBRATED WITS AND
HUMORISTS.

PHILADELPHIA:
GEO. G. EVANS, PUBLISHER,
NO. 439 CHESTNUT STREET.
1860.


Entered according to the Act of Congress, in the year 1859, by
G. G. EVANS
in the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Eastern District of
Pennsylvania.




PREFACE.


NOTHING is so well calculated to preserve the healthful action of the
human system as a good, hearty laugh. It is with this indisputable and
important sanitary fact in view, that this collection of anecdotes has
been made. The principle in selecting each of them, has been, not to
inquire if it were odd, rare, curious, or remarkable; but if it were
really funny. Will the anecdote raise a laugh? That was the test
question. If the answer was "Yes," then it was accepted. If "No," then
it was rejected.

Anything offensive to good taste, good manners, or good morals, was, of
course, out of the question.




BOOK OF ANECDOTES,

AND

BUDGET OF FUN




LORD MANSFIELD AND HIS COACHMAN.


THE following is an anecdote of the late Lord Mansfield, which his
lordship himself told from the bench:--He had turned off his coachman
for certain acts of peculation, not uncommon in this class of persons.
The fellow begged his lordship to give him a character. "What kind of
character can I give you?" says his lordship. "Oh, my lord, any
character your lordship pleases to give me, I shall most thankfully
receive." His lordship accordingly sat down and wrote as follows:--"The
bearer, John ----, has served me three years in the capacity of
coachman. He is an able driver, and a very sober man, I discharged him
because he cheated me."--(Signed) "MANSFIELD." John thanked his
lordship, and went off. A few mornings afterwards, when his lordship was
going through his lobby to step into his coach for Westminster Hall, a
man, in a very handsome livery, made him a low bow. To his surprise he
recognized his late coachman. "Why, John," says his lordship, "you seem
to have got an excellent place; how could you manage this with the
character I gave you?" "Oh! my lord," says John, "it was an exceeding
good character, and I am come to return you thanks for it; my new
master, on reading it, said, he observed your lordship recommended me as
an able driver and a sober man. 'These,' says he, 'are just the
qualities I want in a coachman; I observe his lordship adds he
discharged you because you cheated him. Hark you, sirrah,' says he, 'I'm
a Yorkshireman, and I'll defy you to cheat _me_.'"




A DISCLAIMER.


GENERAL ZAREMBA had a very long Polish name. The king having heard of
it, one day asked him good humouredly, "Pray, Zaremba, what is your
name?" The general repeated to him immediately the whole of his long
name. "Why," said the king, "the devil himself never had such a name."
"I should presume not, Sire," replied the general, "as he was _no
relation of mine_."




A CONSIDERATE DARKIE.


"CÆSAR," said a planter to his negro, "climb up that tree and thin the
branches." The negro showed no disposition to comply, and being pressed
for a reason, answered: "Well, look heah, massa, if I go up dar and fall
down an' broke my neck, dat'll be a thousand dollars out of your pocket.
Now, why don't you hire an Irishman to go up, and den if _he_ falls and
kills himself, dar won't be no loss to nobody?"




OCULAR DEMONSTRATION.


MR. NEWMAN is a famous New England singing-master; _i. e._, a teacher of
vocal music in the rural districts. Stopping over night at the house of
a simple minded old lady, whose grandson and pet, Enoch, was a pupil of
Mr. Newman, he was asked by the lady how Enoch was getting on. He gave a
rather poor account of the boy, and asked his grandmother if she thought
Enoch had any ear for music.

"Wa'al," said the old woman, "I raaly don't know; won't you just take
the candle and see?"




A SUFFICIENT REASON.


THERE was once a clergyman in New Hampshire, noted for his long sermons
and indolent habits. "How is it," said a man to his neighbour, "Parson
----, the laziest man living, writes these interminable sermons?" "Why,"
said the other, "he probably gets to writing and he is too lazy to
stop."




INCONSIDERATE CLEANLINESS.


"BRING in the oysters I told you to open," said the head of a household
growing impatient. "There they are," replied the Irish cook proudly. "It
took me a long time to clean them; but I've done it, and thrown all the
nasty insides into the strate."




YANKEE THRIFT.


QUOTH Patrick of the Yankee: "Bedad, if he was cast away on a dissolute
island, he'd get up the next mornin' an' go around sellin' maps to the
inhabitants."




SAFE MAN.


A POOR son of the Emerald Isle applied for employment to an avaricious
hunks, who told him he employed no Irishmen; "for," said he, "the last
one died on my hands, and I was forced to bury him at my own expense."

"Ah! your honour," said Pat, brightening up, "and is that all? Then
you'll give me the place, for sure I can get a certificate that I niver
died in the employ of any master I iver sarved."




A PAIR OF HUSBANDS.


A COUNTRY editor perpetrates the following upon the marriage of a Mr.
Husband to the lady of his choice:

"This case is the strongest we have known in our life; The husband's a
husband, and so is the wife."




ART CRITICISM.


AT a recent exhibition of paintings, a lady and her son were regarding
with much interest, a picture which the catalogue designated as "Luther
at the Diet of Worms." Having descanted at some length upon its merits,
the boy remarked, "Mother, I see Luther and the table, but where are the
worms?"




CUTTING A SWELL.


"A STURDY-LOOKING man in Cleveland, a short time since, while busily
engaged in cow-hiding a dandy, who had insulted his daughter, being
asked what he was doing, replied: "_Cutting a swell_;" and continued his
amusement without further interruption.




TALLEYRAND.


TO a lady who had lost her husband, Talleyrand once addressed a letter
of condolence, in two words: "Oh, madame!" In less than a year, the lady
had married again, and then his letter of congratulation was, "Ah,
madame!"




THAT'S NOTHING.


A MAN, hearing of another who was 100 years old, said contemptuously:
"Pshaw! what a fuss about nothing! Why, if my grandfather was alive he
would be one hundred and fifty years old."




LARGE POCKET-BOOK.


THE most capacious pocket-book on record is the one mentioned by a
coroner's jury in Iowa, thus:--"We find the deceased came to his death
by a visitation of God, and not by the hands of violence. We find upon
the body a pocket-book containing $2, a check on Fletcher's Bank for
$250, and two horses, a wagon, and some butter, eggs, and feathers."




DEGRADATION.


WE once heard of a rich man, who was badly injured by being run over.
"It isn't the accident," said he, "that I mind; that isn't the thing,
but the idea of being run over by an infernal swill-cart makes me mad."




DEAF TO HIS OWN CALL.


A NEW ORLEANS paper states, there is in that city a hog, with his ears
so far back, that he can't hear himself squeal.




DR. PARR.


DR. PARR had a great deal of sensibility. When I read to him, in
Lincoln's Inn Fields, the account of O'Coigly's death, the tears rolled
down his cheeks.

One day Mackintosh having vexed him, by calling O'Coigly "a rascal,"
Parr immediately rejoined, "Yes, Jamie, he was a bad man, but he might
have been worse; he was an Irishman, but he might have been a Scotchman;
he was a priest, but he might have been a lawyer; he was a republican,
but he might have been an apostate."




GOOD.


DURING a recent trial at Auburn, the following occurred to vary the
monotony of the proceedings:

Among the witnesses was one, as verdant a specimen of humanity as one
would wish to meet with. After a severe cross-examination, the counsel
for the Government paused, and then putting on a look of severity, and
an ominous shake of the head, exclaimed:

"Mr. Witness, has not an effort been made to induce you to tell a
different story?"

"A different story from what I have told, sir?"

"That is what I mean."

"Yes sir; several persons have tried to get me to tell a different story
from what I have told, but they couldn't."

"Now, sir, upon your oath, I wish to know who those persons are."

"Waal, I guess you've tried 'bout as hard as any of them."

The witness was dismissed, while the judge, jury, and spectators,
indulged in a hearty laugh.




I'LL VOTE FOR THE OTHER MAN.


THE following story is told of a revolutionary soldier who was running
for Congress.

It appears that he was opposed by a much younger man who had "never been
to the wars," and it was his practice to tell the people of the
hardships he had endured. Says he:

"Fellow-citizens, I have fought and bled for my country--I helped whip
the British and Indians. I have slept on the field of battle, with no
other covering than the canopy of heaven. I have walked over frozen
ground, till every footstep was marked with blood."

Just about this time, one of the "sovereigns," who had become very much
affected by this tale of woe, walks up in front of the speaker, wiping
the tears from his eyes with the extremity of his coat-tail, and
interrupting him, says:

"Did you say that you had fought the British and the Injines?"

"Yes, sir, I did."

"Did you say you had followed the enemy of your country over frozen
ground, till every footstep was covered with blood?"

"Yes!" exultingly replied the speaker.

"Well, then," says the tearful "sovereign," as he gave a sigh of painful
emotion, "I'll be blamed if I don't think you've done enough for your
country, and I'll vote for the other man!"




THE HEIGHT OF IMPUDENCE.


TAKING shelter from a shower in an umbrella shop.




DECLINING AN OFFICE.


"BEN," said a politician to his companion, "did you know I had declined
the office of Alderman?"

"_You_ declined the office of Alderman? Was you elected?"

"O, no."

"What then? Nominated?"

"No, but I attended our party caucus last evening, and took an active
part; and when a nominating committee was appointed, and were making up
the list of candidates, I went up to them and begged they would not
nominate me for Alderman, as it would be impossible for me to attend to
the duties?"

"Show, Jake; what reply did they make?"

"Why, they said they hadn't thought of such a thing."




GOOD WITNESSES.


AN Attorney before a bench of magistrates, a short time ago, told the
bench, with great gravity, "That he had two witnesses in court, in
behalf of his client, and they would be sure to speak the truth; for he
had had no opportunity to communicate with them!"




TALLEYRAND'S WIT.


"AH! I feel the torments of hell," said a person, whose life had been
supposed to be somewhat of the loosest. "Already?" was the inquiry
suggested to M. Talleyrand. Certainly, it came natural to him. It is,
however, not original; the Cardinal de Retz's physician is said to have
made a similar exclamation on a like occasion.




A FIGHTING FOWL.


DURING Colonel Crockett's first winter in Washington, a caravan of wild
animals was brought to the city and exhibited. Large crowds attended the
exhibition; and, prompted by common curiosity, one evening Colonel
Crockett attended.

"I had just got in," said he; "the house was very much crowded, and the
first thing I noticed, was two wild cats in a cage. Some acquaintance
asked me if they were like wild cats in the backwoods; and I was looking
at them, when one turned over and died. The keeper ran up and threw some
water on it. Said I, 'Stranger, you are wasting time: my look kills them
things; and you had much better hire me to go out of here, or I will
kill every varmint you've got in the caravan.' While I and he were
talking, the lions began to roar. Said I, 'I won't trouble the American
lion, because he is some kin to me; but turn out the African lion--turn
him out--turn him out--I can whip him for a ten dollar bill, and the
zebra may kick occasionally, during the fight.' This created some fun;
and I then went to another part of the room, where a monkey was riding a
pony. I was looking on, and some member said to me, 'Crockett, don't
that monkey favor General Jackson?' 'No,' said I, 'but I'll tell you who
it does favor. It looks like one of your boarders, Mr. ----, of Ohio.'
There was a loud burst of laughter at my saying so, and, upon turning
round, I saw Mr. ----, of Ohio, within three feet of me. I was in a
right awkward fix; but bowed to the company, and told 'em, I had either
slandered the monkey, or Mr. ----, of Ohio, and if they would tell me
which, I would beg his pardon. The thing passed off, but the next
morning, as I was walking the pavement before my door, a member came to
me and said, 'Crockett, Mr. ----, of Ohio, is going to challenge you.'
Said I, 'Well, tell him I am a fighting fowl. I s'pose if I am
challenged, I have the right to choose my weapons?' 'Oh yes,' said he.
'Then tell him,' said I, 'that I will fight him with bows and arrows.'"




ELEPHANT.


WHEN the great Lord Clive was in India, his sisters sent him some
handsome presents from England; and he informed them by letter, that he
had returned them an "_elephant_;" (at least, so they read the word;) an
announcement which threw them into the utmost perplexity; for what could
they possibly do with the animal? The true word was "equivalent."




"THE LAST WAR."


MR. PITT, once speaking in the House of Commons, in the early part of
his career, of the glorious war which preceded the disastrous one in
which the colonies were lost, called it "the last war." Several members
cried out, "The last war but one." He took no notice; and soon after,
repeating the mistake, he was interrupted by a general cry of "The last
war but one--the last war but one." "I mean, sir," said Mr. Pitt,
turning to the Speaker, and raising his sonorous voice, "I mean, sir,
the last war that Britons would wish to remember." Whereupon the cry was
instantly changed into an universal cheering, long and loud.




KISSES.


WHEN an impudent fellow attempts to kiss a Tennessee girl, she "cuts
your acquaintance;" all their "divine luxuries are preserved for the lad
of their own choice." When you kiss an Arkansas girl, she hops as high
as a cork out of a champagne bottle, and cries, "Whew, how good!" Catch
an Illinois girl and kiss her, and she'll say, "Quit it now, you know
I'll tell mamma!" A kiss from the girls of old Williamson is a tribute
paid to their beauty, taste, and amiability. It is not _accepted_,
however, until the gallant youth who offers it is _accepted_ as the lord
of their hearts' affections, and firmly united with one, his "chosen
love," beneath the same bright star that rules their destiny for ever.
The common confectionery make-believe kisses, wrapped in paper, with a
verse to sweeten them, won't answer with them. We are certain they
won't, for we once saw such a one handed to a beautiful young lady with
the following:--

    I'd freely give whole years of bliss,
    To gather from thy lips one kiss.

To which the following prompt and neat response was immediately
returned:--

    Young men present these to their favourite Miss,
      And think by such means to entrap her;
    But la! they ne'er catch us with this kind of kiss,
      The right kind hain't got any wrapper.

If you kiss a Mississippian gal she'll flare-up like a scorched feather,
and return the compliment by bruising your sky-lights, or may-be giving
the _quid pro quo_ in the shape of a blunder-_buss_. Baltimore girls,
more beautiful than any in the world, all meet you with a half-smiling,
half-saucy, come-kiss-me-if-you-dare kind of a look, but you must be
careful of the first essay. After that no difficulty will arise, unless
you be caught attempting to kiss another--then look out for thundergust.
When a Broome girl gets a _smack_, she exclaims, "If it was anybody else
but you, I'd make a fuss about it."




AMERICAN WONDERS.


"SHE be a pretty craft, that little thing of yours," observed old Tom.
"How long may she take to make the run?" "How long? I expect in just no
time; and she'd go as fast again, only she won't wait for the breeze to
come up with her." "Why don't you heave to for it?" said young Tom.
"Lose too much time, I guess. I have been chased by an easterly wind all
the way from your Land's-end to our Narrows, and it never could overhaul
me." "And I presume the porpusses give it up in despair, don't they?"
replied old Tom with a leer; "and yet I've seen the creatures playing
before the bows of an English frigate at her speed, and laughing at
her." "They never play their tricks with me, old snapper; if they do, I
cut them in halves, and a-starn they go, head part floating one side,
and tail part on the other." "But don't they join together again when
they meet in your wake?" inquired Tom. "Shouldn't wonder," replied the
American Captain. "My little craft upset with me one night, in a pretty
considerable heavy gale; but she's smart, and came up again on the other
side in a moment, all right as before. Never should have known anything
about it, if the man at the wheel had not found his jacket wet, and the
men below had a round turn in all the clues of their hammocks." "After
that round turn, you may belay," cried Tom laughing. "Yes, but don't
let's have a stopper over all, Tom," replied his father. "I consider all
this excessively diverting. Pray, Captain, does everything else go fast
in the new country?" "Everything with us clear, slick, I guess." "What
sort of horses have you in America?" inquired I. "Our Kentuck horses,
I've a notion, would surprise you. They're almighty goers at a trot,
beat a N. W. gale of wind. I once took an Englishman with me in a gig up
Alabama country, and he says, 'What's this great church yard we are
passing through?' 'Stranger,' says I, 'I calculate it's nothing but the
mile-stones we are passing so slick.' But I once had a horse, who, I
expect, was a deal quicker than that; I once seed a flash of lightning
chase him for half an hour round the clearance, and I guess it couldn't
catch him."




NO HARM.


"MOTHER," said a little fellow the other day, "is there any harm in
breaking egg shells?" "Certainly not, my dear, but why do you ask?"
"Cause I dropt the basket jist now, and see what a mess I'm in with the
yolk."




TAKEN DOWN A PEG.


AN Irishman, observing a dandy taking his usual strut in Broadway,
stepped up to him and inquired:

"How much do you ax for thim houses?"

"What do you ask me that for?"

"Faith, an' I thought the whole strate belonged to ye," replied the
Irishman.




DUTCH MARRIAGE.


AN old Dutch farmer, just arrived at the dignity of justice of the
peace, had his first marriage case. He did it up in this way. He first
said to the man: "Vell, you vants to be marrit, do you? Vell, you lovesh
dis voman so goot as any voman you have ever seen?" "Yes," answered the
man. Then to the woman: "Vell, do you love dis man so better as any man
you have ever seen?" She hesitated a little, and he repeated: "Vell,
vell, do you like him so vell as to be his vife?" "Yes, yes," she
answered. "Vell, dat ish all any reasonable man can expect. So you are
marrit; I pronounce you man and vife." The man asked the justice what
was to pay. "Nothing at all, nothing at all; you are velcome to it if it
vill do you any good."




SAVE THE MATERIAL.


A RICH old farmer at Crowle, near Bantry, England, speaking to a
neighbour about the "larning" of his nephew, said:--"Why I shud a made
Tom a lawyer, I think, but he was sich a good hand to hold a plough that
I thought 'twere a pity to spoil a good ploughboy."




BE DISCREET.


IF your sister, while tenderly engaged in a tender conversation with her
tender sweetheart, asks you to bring a glass of water from an adjoining
room, you can start on the errand, but you need not return. You will not
be missed--that's certain; we've seen it tried. Don't forget this,
little boys.




TRAVELER'S TALE.


A TRAVELER, relating his adventures, told the company that he and his
servant had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he observed
that there was no great matter in it--"for," said he, "we ran, and they
ran after us."




AN OPINION.


A TIPSY Irishman, leaning against a lamp post as a funeral was passing
by, was asked who was dead. "I can't exactly say, sir," said he, "but I
presume it's the gentleman in the coffin."




GARRICK.


A CERTAIN lord wished Garrick to be a candidate for the representation
of a borough in parliament. "No, my lord," said the actor, "I would
rather play the part of a great man on the stage than the part of a fool
in parliament."




JONATHAN'S LAST.


THE people live uncommon long at Vermont. There are two men there so old
that they have quite forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive
who can remember it for them.




METAPHYSICS.


A SCOTCH blacksmith, being asked the meaning of metaphysics, explained
it as follows:--"When the party who listens disna ken what the party who
speaks means, and when the party who speaks disna ken what he means
himsel'--that is metaphysics."




FORENSIC ELOQUENCE.


THE _Wheeling Gazette_ gives the following, as an extract from the
recent address of a barrister "out west," to a jury:--"The law expressly
declares, gentlemen, in the beautiful language of Shakspeare, that where
no doubt exists of the guilt of the prisoner, it is your duty to fetch
him in innocent. If you keep this fact in view, in the case of my
client, gentlemen, you will have the honor of making a friend of him,
and all his relations; and you can allers look upon this occasion, and
reflect with pleasure, that you have done as you would be done by. But
if, on the other hand, you disregard the principle of law, and set at
nought my eloquent remarks, and fetch him in guilty, the silent twitches
of conscience will follow you over every fair cornfield, I reckon; and
my injured and down-trodden client will be apt to light on you one of
these dark nights, _as my cat lights on a sasserful of new milk_."




A DEFINITION IN POLITICAL ECONOMY.


"WILL you never learn, my dear, the difference between real and
exchangeable value?" The question was put to a husband, who had been
lucky enough to be tied up to a political economist in petticoats. "Oh
yes, my dear, I think I begin to see." "Indeed!" responded the lady.
"Yes," replied the husband. "For instance, my dear, I know your deep
learning, and all your other virtues. That's your _real_ value. But I
know, also, that none of my married friends would swap wives with me.
That's your _exchangeable_ value.




COULDN'T UNDERSTAND.


"AH, Pat, Pat," said a schoolmistress to a thick-headed urchin into
whose muddy brain she was attempting to beat the alphabet--"I'm afraid
you'll never learn anything. Now, what's that letter, eh?"

"Sure, and I don't know ma'am," replied Pat.

"Thought you might have remembered that."

"Why, ma'am?"

"Because it has a dot over the top of it."

"Och, ma'am, I mind it well; but sure I thought it was a speck."

"Well, now remember, Pat, it's I."

"You, ma'am?"

"No! no! not U but I."

"Not I, but you, ma'am--how's that?"

"Not U, but I, blockhead!"

"Och, yis, faith; now I have it, ma'am. You mean to say, that not I but
you are a blockhead?"

"Fool! fool!" exclaimed the pedagoguess bursting with rage.

"Just as you please," quietly responded Pat, "fool or blockhead--it's no
matter, so long as yer free to own it!"




GREAT CALF.


AT a cattle show, recently, a fellow who was making himself ridiculously
conspicuous, at last broke forth--"Call these ere prize cattle? Why,
they ain't nothin' to what our folks raised. My father raised the
biggest calf of any man round our parts."

"I don't doubt it," remarked a bystander, "and the noisiest."




GO IN AND WIN.


"MA, I am going to make some soft soap, for the Fair this fall!" said a
beautiful Miss of seventeen, to her mother, the other day.

"What put that notion into your head, Sally?"

"Why, ma, the premium is just what I have been wanting."

"Pray, what is it?"

"A 'Westchester Farmer,' I hope he will be a good looking one!"




NOT HERE.


A CORRESPONDENT from Northampton, Mass., is responsible for the
following:--"A subscriber to a moral-reform paper, called at our post
office, the other day, and enquired if _The Friend of Virtue_ had come.
"No," replied the postmaster, "there has been no such person here for a
long time."




GENTLEMEN AND THEIR DEBTS.


THE late Rev. Dr. Sutton, Vicar of Sheffield, once said to the late Mr.
Peach, a veterionary surgeon, "Mr. Peach, how is it you have not called
upon me for your account?"

"Oh," said Mr. Peach, "I never ask a gentleman for money."

"Indeed!" said the Vicar, "then how do you get on if he don't pay?"

"Why," replied Mr. Peach, "after a certain time I conclude that he is
not a gentleman, and then I ask him."




CHARLES JAMES FOX AND HIS FRIEND.


I SAW Lunardi make the first ascent in a balloon, which had been
witnessed in England. It was from the Artillery ground. Fox was there
with his brother, General F. The crowd was immense. Fox, happening to
put his hand down to his watch, found another hand upon it, which he
immediately seized. "My friend," said he to the owner of the strange
hand, "you have chosen an occupation which wilt be your ruin at last."
"O Mr. Fox," was the reply, "forgive me, and let me go! I have been
driven to this course by necessity alone; my wife and children are
starving at home." Fox, always tender-hearted, slipped a guinea into the
hand, and then released it. On the conclusion of the show, Fox was
proceeding to look what o'clock it was. "Good God!" cried he, "my watch
is gone!" "Yes," answered General F., "I know it is; I saw your friend
take it." "Saw him take it! and you made no attempt to stop him?"
"Really, you and he appeared to be on such good terms with each other,
that I did not choose to interfere."--_Rogers' Table-talk._




MINISTERIAL DRINKING.


STOTHARD the painter happened to be, one evening, at an inn on the Kent
Road, when Pitt and Dundas put up there on their way from Walmer. Next
morning, as they were stepping into their carriage, the waiter said to
Stothard, "Sir, do you observe these two gentlemen?" "Yes," he replied;
"and I know them to be Mr. Pitt and Mr. Dundas." "Well, sir, how much
wine do you suppose they drank last night?"--Stothard could not
guess.--"Seven bottles, sir."




PARR AND ERSKINE.


DR. PARR and Lord Erskine are said to have been the vainest men of their
time. At a dinner some years since, Dr. Parr, in ecstasies with the
conversational powers of Lord Erskine, called out to him, though his
junior, "My Lord, I mean to write your epitaph." "Dr. Parr," replied the
noble lawyer, "it is a temptation to commit suicide."




SENATORIAL PECULIARITY.


A FEW days since, says the _New York Courier_, Mr. Wise appealed to the
Speaker of the House of Representatives for protection against Mr.
Adams, who, he alleged, was "_making mouths at him_." Precisely the same
complaint was subsequently made by a gentleman from Massachusetts,
against Mr. Marshall of Kentucky; but the latter gentleman defended
himself by saying, "It was only a _peculiar mode he had of chewing his
tobacco_."




FAMILY FLEAS.


WHEN the late Lord Erskine, then going the circuit, was asked by his
landlord how he slept, he replied, "Union is strength; a fact of which
some of your inmates seem to be unaware; for had they been unanimous
last night, they might have pushed me out of bed." "Fleas!" exclaimed
Boniface, affecting great astonishment, "I was not aware that I had a
single one in the house." "I don't believe you have," retorted his
lordship, "they are all married, and have uncommonly large families."




PULPIT PLEASANTRY.


ONE day, Naisr-ed-din ascended the pulpit of the Mosque, and thus
addressed the congregation:--"Oh, true believers, do you know what I am
going to say to you?" "No," responded the congregation. "Well, then,"
said he, "there is no use in my speaking to you." And he came down from
the pulpit. He went to preach a second time, and asked the congregation,
"Oh, true believers, do you know what I am going to say to you?" "We
know," replied the audience. "Ah, as you know," said he, quitting the
pulpit, "why should I take the trouble of telling you?" When next he
came to preach, the congregation resolved to try his powers; and when he
asked his usual question, replied, "Some of us know, and some of us do
not know." "Very well," said he, "let those who know, tell those who do
not know."--_Turkish Jest-book._




AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND.


THE other day, Mrs. Snipkins being unwell, sent for a medical man, and
declared that she was poisoned, and that Mr. Snipkins did it. "I didn't
do it," shouted Snipkins. "It's all gammon; she isn't poisoned. Prove
it, doctor--open her on the spot--I'm willing."




BRUMMELL.


"MAY I help you to some beef?" said the master of the house to the late
Mr. Brummell. "I never eat beef, nor horse, nor anything of that sort,"
answered the astonished and indignant epicure.




BATHOS.


SOME years ago, during a discussion respecting the Bank of Waterford, an
Honourable Member said, "I conjure the Right Honourable the Chancellor
of the Exchequer to pause in his dangerous career, and desist from a
course only calculated to inflict innumerable calamities on my
country--to convulse the entire system of society with anarchy and
revolution--to shake the very pillars of civil government itself--and to
cause _a fall in the price of butter in Waterford_."




DANGEROUS VISITS.


A PERSON who was recently called into court, for the purpose of proving
the correctness of a doctor's bill, was asked by the lawyer whether the
doctor did not make several visits after the patient was out of danger?
"No," replied the witness, "I considered the patient in danger as long
as the doctor continued his visits!"




NONSENSE.


BEING asked to give a definition of nonsense, Dr. Johnson replied, "Sir,
it is nonsense to bolt a door with a boiled carrot."




CONCEIT.


I BELIEVE every created crittur in the world thinks that he's the most
entertainin' one on it, and that there's no gettin' on anyhow without
him. _Consait grows as natural as the hair on one's head, but is longer
in comin' out._--_Sam Slick's Wise Saws._




KISSING BY PROXY.


ONE of the deacons of a certain church asked the bishop if he usually
kissed the bride at weddings.

"Always," was the reply.

"And how do you manage when the happy pair are negroes?" was the next
question.

"In all such cases," replied the bishop, "the duty of kissing is
appointed to the deacons!"




A BARGAIN.


"I RECKON I couldn't drive a trade with you to-day, squire?" said a
genuine specimen of a Yankee pedler, as he stood at the door of a
certain merchant in St. Louis.

"I reckon you calculate about right, for you can't," was the sneering
reply.

"Wall, I guess you needn't get huffy 'bout it. Now here's a dozen
ginooine razer strops--worth two dollars and a half; you may have 'em
for two dollars."

"I tell you I don't want any of your strops--so you may as well be going
along."

"Wall, now, look here, squire, I'll bet you five dollars, that if you
make me an offer for them 'ere strops, we'll have a trade yet!"

"Done!" replied the merchant, placing the money in the hands of a
bystander. The Yankee deposited a like sum.

"Now," said the merchant, "I'll give you a picayune for the strops."

"They're yourn," said the Yankee, as he quietly pocketed the stakes.

"But," said he, after a little reflection, and with great apparent
honesty, "I'll trade back."

The merchant's countenance brightened.

"You are not so bad a chap, after all," said he. "Here are your
strops--give me the money."

"There it is," said the Yankee, as he received the strops and passed
over the sixpence. "A trade is a trade; and, now you are wide awake, the
next time you trade with that 'ere sixpence you'll do a little better
than buy razer strops."

And away walked the pedler with his strops and his wager, amidst the
shouts of the laughing crowd.




CONUNDRUMS.


WHAT is the difference between a big man and a little man?--One is a
tall fellow and the other not at all.

Why is a betting-list keeper like a bride?--Because he's taken for
better or worse.

Why is a person asking questions the strangest of all
individuals?--Because he's the querist.

Why is a thief called a "jail-bird?"--Because he has been a "robbin."

Why should an editor look upon it as ominous when a correspondent signs
himself "Nemo?"--Because there is an omen in the very letters.




READY REPLY.


A GENTLEMAN asked a friend, in a somewhat knowing manner, "Pray, sir,
did you ever see a cat-fish?" "No," was the response, "but I've seen a
rope walk."




A YANKEE PRAYER.


IN the State of Ohio, there resided a family, consisting of an old man,
of the name of Beaver, and his three sons, all of whom were hard "pets,"
who had often laughed to scorn the advice and entreaties of a pious,
though very eccentric, minister, who resided in the same town. It
happened one of the boys was bitten by a rattlesnake, and was expected
to die, when the minister was sent for in great haste. On his arrival,
he found the young man very penitent, and anxious to be prayed with. The
minister calling on the family, knelt down, and prayed in this wise:--"O
Lord! we thank thee for rattlesnakes. We thank thee because a
rattlesnake has bit Jim. We pray thee send a rattlesnake to bite John;
send one to bite Bill; send one to bite Sam; and, O Lord! send the
biggest kind of a rattlesnake to bite the old man; for nothing but
rattlesnakes will ever bring the Beaver family to repentance."




CHIEF JUSTICE BUSHE.


COUNSELLOR (afterwards Chief Justice) Bushe, being asked which of Mr.
Power's company of actors he most admired, maliciously replied, "The
prompter; for I heard the most, and saw the least of him."




PRESENCE OF MIND.


I ONCE observed to a Scotch lady, "how desirable it was in any danger
_to have presence of mind_." "I had rather," she rejoined, "_have
absence of body_."--_Rogers' Table-talk._




GLORY WITHOUT DANGER.


A MAN hearing the drum beat up for volunteers for France, in the
expedition against the Dutch, imagined himself valiant enough, and
thereupon enlisted himself; returning again, he was asked by his
friends, "what exploits he had performed there?" He said, "that he had
cut off one of the enemy's legs;" and being told that it would have been
more honorable and manly to have cut off his head, said, "Oh! you must
know his head was cut off before."




LORD CHESTERFIELD.


WITTICISMS are often attributed to the wrong people. It was Lord
Chesterfield, not Sheridan, who said, on occasion of a certain marriage,
that "Nobody's son had married Everybody's daughter."

Lord Chesterfield remarked of two persons dancing a minuet, that "they
looked as if they were hired to do it, and were doubtful of being paid."




UNANIMITY.


A SCOTCH parson, in his prayer, said, "Lord, bless the grand council,
the parliament, and grant that they may hang together." A country fellow
standing by, replied, "Yes, sir, with all my heart, and the sooner the
better--and I am sure it is the prayer of all good people." "But,
friends," said the parson, "I don't mean as that fellow does, but pray
they may all hang together in accord and concord." "No matter what
cord," replied the other, "so 'tis but a strong one."




SIMPLICITY.


THE Bishop of Oxford, having sent round to the churchwardens in his
diocese a circular of inquiries, among which was:--"Does your
officiating clergyman preach the gospel, and is his conversation and
carriage consistent therewith?" The churchwarden near Wallingford
replied:--"He preaches the gospel, but does not keep a carriage."




PATRIOTISM AND LIBERALITY.


A LADY solicitor for the Mount Vernon fund visited one of the schools in
Boston, says the Bee, to collect offerings from the children. On the
dismission of the school, one of the boys went home, and said to his
father--"Papa! General Washington's wife came to our school to-day,
trying to raise some money to buy a graveyard for him where he's buried,
and I want a dime to put into the contribution-box." In an ecstasy of
patriotism the gentleman contributed.




SHERIDAN.


SHERIDAN was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of
Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the
debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished
to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed
he, with great emphasis, "where shall we find a more foolish knave or a
more knavish fool than he?" "Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesome
member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt
information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.




THE WAY TO WIN A KISS.


THE late Mr. Bush used to tell a story of a brother barrister:--As the
coach was about starting, before breakfast, the modest limb of the law
approached the landlady, a pretty Quakeress, who was seated near the
fire, and said he "could not think of going without giving her a kiss."
"Friend," said she, "thee must not do it." "Oh! by heavens, I will!"
replied the barrister. "Well, friend, as thou hast sworn, thee may do
it; but thee must not make a practice of it."




A BUTCHER'S COMPLIMENT.


IN the Bristol market, a lady laying her hand on a joint of veal, said,
"I think, Mr. F., this veal is not quite so white as usual." "Put on
your _glove_, madam," replied the dealer, "and you will think
differently." It may be needless to remark, that the veal was ordered
home without another word of objection.




DRUNKENNESS.


A GENTLEMAN finding his servant intoxicated, said--"What, drunk again,
Sam! I scolded you for being drunk last night, and here you are drunk
again." "No, massa, same drunk, massa, same drunk," replied Sambo.




CAN'T BE BEAT.


A LIVELY Hibernian exclaimed, at a party where Theodore Hook shone as
the evening star, "Och, Master Theodore, but you're the hook that nobody
can bait."




MRS. RAMSBOTTOM'S LETTER FROM PARIS.[*]


_Paris, December 10th, 1823._

MY DEAR MR. BULL,--Having often heard travelers lament not having put
down what they call _memorybillious_ of their journies, I was determined
while I was on my _tower_, to keep a _dairy_ (so called from containing
the cream of one's information), and record everything which recurred to
me--therefore I begin with my departure from London.

Resolving to take time by the _firelock_, we left Montague Place at 7
o'clock by Mr. Fulmer's pocket thermometer, and proceeded over
Westminister Bridge to _explode_ the European Continent. I never pass
Whitehall without dropping a tear to the memory of Charles the Second,
who was decimated, after the rebellion of 1745, opposite the Horse
Guards--his memorable speech to Archbishop Caxon rings in my ears
whenever I pass the spot. I reverted my head and affected to look to see
what o'clock it was by the dial, on the opposite side of the way. It is
quite impossible not to notice the improvements in this part of the
town, the beautiful view which one gets of Westminster Hall and its
curious roof, after which, as everybody knows, its builder was called
William Roofus.

Amongst the lighter specimens of modern architecture is Ashley's
_ampletheatre_, on your right, as you cross the bridge (which was built,
Mr. Fulmer informed me, by the Court of Arches and House of Peers). In
this ampletheatre there are Equestrian performances, so called because
they are exhibited _nightly_ during the season.

The toll at the Marsh Gate is _ris_ since we last came through--it was
here we were to have taken up Lavinia's friend, Mr. Smith, who has
promised to go with us to Dover--but we found his servant instead of
himself with a _billy_, to say he was sorry he could not come, because
his friend, Sir John Somebody, wished him to stay and go down to _Poll_
at Lincoln. I have no doubt that this _Poll_, whoever she may be, is a
very respectable young woman, but mentioning her by her Christian name
only in so abrupt a manner had a very unpleasant appearance at any rate.
Nothing remarkable occurred till we reached the _Obstacle_ in St.
George's Fields, where our attention was arrested by those great
Institutions--the school for the _Indignant_ Blind, and the
_Misanthropic_ Society for making shoes, both of which claim the
gratitude of the nation. At the bottom of the lane, leading to Peckham,
I saw that they had removed the _Dollygraph_ which used to stand upon
the declivity to the right of the road--the Dollygraphs are all to be
superseded by _Serampores_.

When we came to the Green Man at Blackheath, we had an opportunity of
noticing the errors of former travellers, for the heath is green and the
man is black. Mr. Fulmer endeavoured to account for this, by saying,
that Mr. Colman has discovered that Moors being black, and heaths being
a kind of moor, he looks upon the confusion of words as the cause of the
mistake. N. B.--Mr. Colman is the _itinerary_ surgeon, who constantly
resides at St. Pancras. As we went near Woolwich, we saw at a distance
the Artillery Officers on a common, a firing away in mortars like
anything. At Dartford they make gunpowder--here we changed horses. At
the inn we saw a most beautiful _Roderick Random_ in a pot covered with
flowers--it is the finest I ever saw, except those at Dropmore. When we
got to Rochester, we went to the Crown Inn and had a cold
_collection_--the charge was _absorbant_. I had often heard my poor dear
husband talk of the influence of the Crown, and the Bill of _Wrights_,
but I had no idea what it really meant, till we had to pay one.

As we passed near Chatham, I saw several _Pitts_, and Mr. Fulmer shewed
me a great many buildings--I believe he said they were _fortyfications_,
but I think there must have been fifty of them; he also showed me the
Lines at Chatham, which I saw quite distinctly, with the clothes drying
on them. Rochester was remarkable in King Charles's time, for being a
very witty and dissolute place, as I have read in books.

At Canterbury, we stopped ten minutes to visit all the remarkable
buildings and curiosities in it, and about its neighborhood; the church
is most beautiful. When Oliver Cromwell conquered William the Third, he
_perverted_ it into a stable--the stalls are now standing. The old
_Virgin_, who shewed us the church, wore buckskin _breaches and
powder_--he said it was an archypiscopal sea--but I saw no sea, nor do I
think it possible he could see it either, for it is at least seventeen
miles off. We saw Mr. Thomas à Beckett's tomb--my poor husband was
extremely intimate with the old gentleman, and one of his nephews, a
very nice young man, who lives near Golden Square, dined with us twice,
I think, in London. In Trinity Chapel is the monument of Eau de Cologne,
just as it is now exhibiting at the _Diarrhoea_ in the Regent's Park.
It was late when we got to Dover. We walked about while our dinner was
preparing, looking forward to our snug tête-à-tête of three. We went to
look at the sea--so called, perhaps, from the uninterrupted view one has
when upon it. It was very curious to see the locks to keep the water
here, and the _keys_ which are on each side of them, all ready, I
suppose, to open them if they are wanted. We were awake with the owl
next morning, and a walking away before eight, we went to see the
castle,--which was built, the man told us, by Seizer, so called, I
conclude, from seizing everything he could lay his hands upon. The man
said moreover that he had invaded Britain and conquered it, upon which I
told him, that if he repeated such a thing in my presence again, I
should write to the Government about him. We saw the inn where Alexander
the _Autograph_ of all the Russians lived when he was here--and as we
were going along, we met twenty or thirty dragons mounted on horses, and
the ensign who commanded them was a friend of Mr. Fulmer's--he looked at
Lavinia and seemed pleased with her _Tooting assembly_--he was quite a
"sine qua non" of a man, and wore tips on his lips, like Lady Hopkins'
poodle. I heard Mr. Fulmer say he was a son of _Marrs_; he spoke as if
everybody knew his father, so I suppose he must be the son of the poor
gentleman who was so barbarously murdered some years ago, near Ratcliff
Highway--if he is, he is uncommon genteel. At 12 o'clock we got into a
boat and rowed to the packet; it was a very fine and clear day for the
season, and Mr. Fulmer said he should not dislike pulling Lavinia about
all the morning--this, I believe, was a _naughty-call_ phrase--which I
did not rightly comprehend, because Mr. F. never offered to talk in that
way on shore to either of us. The packet is not a _parcel_, as I
imagined, in which we were to be made up for exportation, but a boat of
very considerable size; it is called a cutter--why I do not know, and
did not like to ask. It was very curious to see how it rolled
about--however I felt quite mal-á-propos--and instead of exciting any of
the soft sensibility of the other sex, a great unruly man, who held the
handle of the ship, bid me lay hold of a companion, and when I sought
his arm for protection, he introduced me to a ladder, down which I
_ascended_ into the cabin, one of the most curious places I ever
beheld--where ladies and gentlemen are put upon shelves like books in a
library, and where tall men are doubled up like bootjacks, before they
can be put away at all. A gentleman in a heavy cap without his coat laid
me perpendicular on a mattrass, with a basin by my side, and said that
was my birth. I thought it would have been my death, for I never was so
ill-disposed in all my life. I behaved extremely ill to a very amiable
middle-aged gentleman, who had the misfortune to be attending on his
wife, in a little bed under me. There was no _symphony_ to be found
among the tars (so called from their smell), for just before we went off
I heard them throw a painter overboard, and directly after they called
out to one another to hoist up the ensign. I was too ill to inquire what
the poor young gentleman had done; but after I came up stairs, I did not
see his body hanging anywhere, so I conclude they cut him down--I hope
it was not young Mr. Marr, a venturing after my Lavy. I was quite
shocked to find what democrats the sailors are--they seem to hate the
nobility--especially the law lords. The way I discovered this _apathy_
of theirs to the nobility, was this--the very moment we lost sight of
England and were close to France, they began, one and all, to swear
first at the Peer, and then at the Bar, in such gross terms as made my
very blood run cold. I was quite pleased to see Lavinia sitting with Mr.
Fulmer in the traveling carriage on the outside of the packet; but
Lavinia afforded great proofs of her good bringing up, by commanding her
feelings. It is curious what could have agitated the _billy ducks_ of
my stomach, because I took every precaution which is recommended in
different books to prevent ill-disposition. I had some mutton chops at
breakfast, some Scotch marmalade on bread and butter, two eggs, two cups
of coffee, and three of tea, besides toast, a little fried whiting, some
potted char, and a few shrimps, and after breakfast I took a glass of
warm white wine negus and a few oysters, which lasted me till we got
into the boat, where I began eating gingerbread nuts all the way to the
packet, and there was persuaded to take a glass of bottled porter to
keep everything snug and comfortable.

Adieu,

Yours truly,
DOROTHEA JULIA RAMSBOTTOM.

[*] This jeu d'esprit is attributed to Theodore Hook.




VERY BUSY.


SOME one asked a lad how it was he was so short for his age? He replied,
"Father keeps me so busy I haint time to grow."




JOHN BULL.


THE English are a calm, reflecting people; they will give time and money
when they are convinced; but they love dates, names, and certificates.
In the midst of the most heart-rending narratives, Bull requires the day
of the month, the year of our Lord, the name of the parish, and the
countersign of three or four respectable householders. After these
affecting circumstances, he can no longer hold out; but gives way to the
kindness of his nature--puffs, blubbers, and subscribes!--_Sydney
Smith._




YANKEE INGENUITY.


IN some of our towns we don't allow smokin' in the streets, though most
of them we do, and where it is agin law, it is two dollars fine in a
gineral way. Well, Sassy went down to Boston, to do a little chore of
business there, where this law was, only he didn't know it. So, soon as
he gets off the coach, he outs with his case, takes a cigar, lights it,
and walks on, smoking like a furnace flue. No sooner said than done. Up
steps a constable and says, "I'll trouble you for two dollars for
smokin' agin law, in the streets." Sassy was as quick as wink on him.
"Smokin'!" says he; "I warn't a smokin'." "O, my!" says constable, "how
you talk, man! I won't say you lie, 'cause it aint polite, but it's very
like the way I talk when I fib. Didn't I see you with my own eyes?"
"No," says Sassy, "you didn't. It don't do always to believe your own
eyes, they can't be depended on more than other people's. I never trust
mine, I can assure you. I own I had a cigar in my mouth, but it was
because I liked the flavor of tobacco, but not to smoke. I take it don't
convene with the dignity of a free and enlightened citizen of our
almighty nation, to break the law, seein' that he makes the law himself,
and is his own sovereign, and his own subject, too. No, I warn't
smokin', and if you don't believe me, try this cigar yourself, and see
if it aint so. It han't got no fire in it." Well, constable takes the
cigar, puts it into his mug, and draws away at it, and out comes the
smoke like anythin'. "I'll trouble _you_ for two dollars, Mr. High
Sheriff's representative," says Sassy, "for smokin' in the streets; do
you underconstand, my old coon?" Well, constable was taken all aback; he
was finely bit. "Stranger," says he, "where was you raised?" "To Canady
line," says Sassy. "Well," says he, "you're a credit to your broughtens
up. We'll let the fine drop, for we are about even, I guess. Let's
liquor," and he took him into a bar and treated him to a mint julep. It
was generally considered a great bite, that, and I must say, I don't
think it was bad--do you?--_Sam Slick._




COMFORTABLE.


THEODORE HOOK, when surprised, one evening, in his arm-chair, two or
three hours after dinner, is reported to have apologised, by saying:
"When one is alone, the bottle _does_ come round so often." It was Sir
Hercules Langrishe, who, being asked, on a similar occasion, "Have you
finished all that port (three bottles) without assistance?" answered,
"No, not quite that; I had the assistance of a bottle of Madeira."




HORNE TOOKE.


WHEN Horne Tooke was at school, the boys asked him "what his father
was?" Tooke answered, "A Turkey merchant." (He was a poulterer.)

He once said to his brother, a pompous man, "You and I have reversed the
natural course of things; you have risen by your gravity; I have sunk by
my levity."

To Judge Ashhurst's remark, that the law was open to all, both to the
rich and to the poor, Tooke replied, "So is the London tavern."

He said that Hume wrote his history, as witches say their
prayers--backwards.




LAMB AND ERSKINE.


COUNSELLOR Lamb, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his
reputation, was of timid manners and nervous disposition, usually
prefacing his pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one
occasion, when opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark
that "he felt himself growing more and more timid as he grew older." "No
wonder," replied the witty, but relentless barrister; "every one knows
the older a _lamb_ grows, the more _sheepish_ he becomes."




THE TRUTH TOLD BY MISTAKE.


I SHALL not easily forget the sarcasm of Swift's simile as he told us of
the Prince of Orange's harangue to the mob of Portsmouth:--"We are
come," said he, "for your good--for _all_ your _goods_." "A universal
principle," added Swift, "of all governments; but, like most other
truths, only told by mistake."--_Ethel Churchill._




TALLEYRAND'S WIT.


TALLEYRAND being asked, if a certain authoress, whom he had long since
known, but who belonged rather to the last age, was not "a little
tiresome?" "Not at all," said he, "she was perfectly tiresome."

A gentleman in company was one day making a somewhat zealous eulogy of
his mother's beauty, dwelling upon the topic at uncalled for length--he
himself having certainly inherited no portion of that kind under the
marriage of his parents. "It was your father, then, apparently, who may
not have been very well favoured," was Talleyrand's remark, which at
once released the circle from the subject.

When Madame de Staël published her celebrated novel of _Delphine_, she
was supposed to have painted herself in the person of the heroine, and
M. Talleyrand in that of an elderly lady, who is one of the principal
characters. "They tell me," said he, the first time he met her, "that we
are both of us in your novel, in the disguise of women."

Rulhières, the celebrated author of the work on the Polish revolution,
having said, "I never did but one mischievous work in my life." "And
when will it be ended?" was Talleyrand's reply.

"Is not Geneva dull?" asked a friend of Talleyrand. "Especially when
they amuse themselves," was the reply.

"She is insupportable," said Talleyrand, with marked emphasis, of one
well known; but, as if he had gone too far, and to take off something of
what he had said, he added, "it is her only defect."




BUSSING.


BUSS--to kiss. Re-bus--to kiss again. Blunder-buss--two girls kissing
each other. Omni-bus--to kiss all the girls in the room. Bus-ter--a
general kisser. _E pluri_-bus _unum_--a thousand kisses in one.




WANTED.


"YOU want a flogging, that's what you do;" said a parent to his unruly
son. "I know it, dad; but I'll try to get along without it," replied the
brat.




NATIONAL SCHOOL SCENES.


The following anecdotes were told by the late Bishop of Chichester, as
having occurred to himself.

AT the annual examination of the Charity Schools, around the city of
Chichester, he was seated in the front row of the school room, together
with his daughters, and the family of the noble house of Richmond, when
the Bishop kindly took part in the examination, and put several
questions. To one boy, he said, "We have all sinned and come short of
the glory of God. Now, does that passage mean that _every one_ of us has
sinned?" The boy hesitated--but upon a repetition of the question, the
lad replied, "Every one except your Lordship, and the company sitting on
the front form." The same Bishop, at one of his Confirmations, saw a
school girl inclined to be inattentive and troublesome; he therefore
held up his finger as a warning. These children, being accustomed to
_signs_ from their teachers, of which they were expected to declare the
meaning, did not suppose that the elevation of the Bishop's finger, was
an exception to their general rule of reply to such tokens, they
therefore all arose together, and from the middle of the Church
exclaimed in an exulting tone, "_perpendicular_," to the astonishment
and consternation of the better inclined, and to the amusement, we fear,
of not a few of the congregation.




MRS. PARTINGTON.


"SO there's another rupture of Mount Vociferous," said Mrs. Partington,
as she put up her specs; "the paper tells us about the burning lather
running down the mountain, but it don't tell how it got a fire."




AN HIBERNIAN M. P.


A VERY laughable incident occurred in the House of Commons. An Irish
member, whose name I will not mention, having risen, he was assailed by
loud cries of "Spoke! Spoke!" meaning, that having spoken once already,
he had no right to do it a second time. He had, evidently, a second
speech struggling in his breast for an introduction into the world, when
seeing after remaining for some time on his legs, that there was not the
slightest chance of being suffered to deliver a sentence of it, he
observed, with imperturbable gravity, and in a rich Tipperary brogue,
"If honorable gintlemin suppose that I was going to spake again, they
are quite mistaken. I merely rose for the purpose of saying that I had
nothing more to say on the subject." The house was convulsed with
laughter, for a few seconds afterwards, at the exceeding ready wit of
the Hibernian M. P.--_Random Recollections of the Lords and
Commons.--New Series._




MODESTY.


THERE is a young lady down east, so excessively modest, that every night
before retiring, she closes the window curtain, to prevent the "man in
the moon" from looking in. She is related to the young lady who would
not allow the _Christian Observer_ to remain in her room over night.




AMERICAN TOAST.


"THE ladies; the only endurable aristocracy, who rule without
laws--judge without jury--decide without appeal, and are never in the
wrong."




PASSING A COUNTERFEIT.


DIGGS saw a note lying on the ground, but knew that it was a
counterfeit, and walked on without picking it up. He told the story to
Smithers, when the latter said:

"Do you know, Diggs, you have committed a very grave offence?"

"Why, what have I done?"

"You have passed a counterfeit bill, knowing it to be such," said
Smithers, without a smile, and fled.




LORD CHESTERFIELD.


LORD Chesterfield being given to understand that he would die by inches,
very philosophically replied, "If that be the case, I am happy that I am
not so tall as Sir Thomas Robinson."




A PENNY.


A GOOD woman called on Dr. B---- one day in a great deal of trouble, and
complained that her son had swallowed a penny. "Pray madam," said the
Doctor, "was it a counterfeit?" "No, Sir, certainly not;" was the reply.
"Then it will pass, of course," rejoined the facetious physician.




JOHNSON.


A LADY, after performing, with the most brilliant execution, a sonata on
the pianoforte, in the presence of Dr. Johnson, turning to the
philosopher, took the liberty of asking him if he was fond of music? "No
madam," replied the doctor; "but of all noises I think music is the
least disagreeable."




CLEVER LAMPOON.


UPON Frederick Prince of Wales, son of George the Second, a prince whom
people of all parties are now agreed in thinking no very great worthy,
nor superior to what a lively woman has here written upon him; for if we
understand Horace Walpole rightly, who says the verses were found among
her papers, they were the production of the Honourable Miss Rollo,
probably daughter of the fourth Lord Rollo, who was implicated in the
rebellion. Frederick was familiarly termed _Feckie_ and _Fed_.

    "Here lies Prince Fed,
    Gone down among the dead.
    Had it been his father,
    We had much rather;
    Had it been his mother,
    Better than any other;
    Had it been his sister,
    Few would have miss'd her;
    Had it been the whole generation,
    Ten times better for the nation;
    But since 'tis only Fed,
    There's no more to be said."




IN HIS SHIRT SLEEVES.


A GOOD story is told of a "country gentleman," who, for the first time,
heard an Episcopal clergyman preach. He had read much of the aristocracy
and pride of the church, and when he returned home he was asked if the
people were "stuck up." "Pshaw! no," replied he, "why the minister
preached in his shirt-sleeves."




A MORMON PREACHER.


THE _Boston Herald_, in announcing the death of Elder G. Adams, a Mormon
preacher, says:--"On his second visit to Boston, the Elder preached,
baptized converts, whipped a newspaper editor, and played a star
engagement at the National Theatre. He was industrious, and filled up
all his time. We have a fund of anecdotes concerning this strange
mortal, which we shall be glad to print at some other time. We close
this article by briefly adverting to the chastisement he gave an editor,
for strongly criticising his performance of _Richard III_. The office of
the editor was in Washington street, where Propeller now keeps. Adams
armed himself with a cowhide, and watched for his victim. Soon, the
unsuspecting fellow came down the stairs, and Adams sprang upon him,
exclaiming, "The Lord has delivered thee into my hands, and I shall give
thee forty stripes, save one, Scripture measure. Brother Graham, keep
tally." So saying, he proceeded to lay on the punishment with hearty
good will. In the meantime, a large crowd had gathered around the
avenging priest and the delinquent. When the tally was up, Adams let the
man go, and addressed the crowd as follows: "Men and brethren, my name
is Elder George J. Adams, preacher of the everlasting gospel. I have
chastised mine enemy. I go this afternoon to fulfil an engagement at the
Providence Theatre, where I shall play one of Shakspeare's immortal
creations. I shall return to this city, at the end of the week, and
will, by divine permission, preach three times next Sabbath, on the
immortality of the soul, the eternity of matter, and in answer to the
question 'Who is the Devil?' May grace and peace be with you.--Amen!"




JOHN KEMBLE.


JOHN KEMBLE was often very amusing when he had had a good deal of wine.
He and two friends were returning to town, in an open carriage, from the
Priory, (Lord Abercorn's,) where they had dined; and as they were
waiting for change at a toll-gate, Kemble, to the amazement of the
toll-keeper, called out, in the tone of Rolla, "We seek no _change_;
and, least of all, such _change_ as he would bring us."




A SURPRISE.


A GREEN 'un, who had never before seen a steamboat, fell through the
hatchway, down into the hold, and being unhurt, thus loudly expressed
his surprise--"Well, if the darned thing aint holler."




QUEER DUEL.


AN Englishman and a Frenchman having quarrelled, they were to fight a
duel. Being both great cowards, they agreed (for their mutual safety, of
course) that the duel should take place in a room perfectly dark. The
Englishman had to fire first. He groped his way to the hearth, fired up
the chimney, and brought down--the Frenchman, who had taken refuge
there.




LAWYERS.


"A LAWYER," said Lord Brougham, in a facetious mood, "is a learned
gentleman, who rescues your estate from your enemies, and keeps it
himself."




A FRENCHMAN PUZZLED WITH THE WORD "BOX."


SIR--In the course of my study in the English language, which I made now
for three years, I always read your periodically, and now think myself
capable to write at your Magazin. I love always the modesty, or you
shall have a letter of me very long time pass. But, never mind. I would
well tell you, that I am come to this country to instruct me in the
manners, the customs, the habits, the policies, and the other affairs
general of Great Britain. And truly I think me good fortunate, being
received in many families, so as I can to speak your language now with
so much facility as the French.

I am but a particular gentleman, come here for that what I said; but,
since I learn to comprehend the language, I discover that I am become an
object of pleasantry, and for himself to mock, to one of your comedians
even before I put my foot upon the ground at Douvres. He was Mr. Mathew,
who tell of some contretems of me and your word detestable _Box_. Well,
never mind. I know at present how it happen, because I see him since in
some parties and dinners; and he confess he love much to go travel and
mix himself altogether up with the stage coach and vapouring boat for
fun, what he bring at his theatre.

Well, never mind. He see me, perhaps, to ask a question in the
paque-bot--but he not confess after, that he goed and bribe the garçon
at the hotel and the coachman to mystify me with all the boxes; but,
very well, I shall tell you how it arrived, so as you shall see that it
was impossible that a stranger could miss to be perplexed, and to
advertise the travellers what will come after, that they shall converse
with the gentleman and not with the badinstructs.

But, it must that I begin. I am a gentleman, and my goods are in the
public rentes, and a chateau with a handsome propriety on the banks of
the Loire, which I lend to a merchant English, who pay me very well in
London for my expenses. Very well. I like the peace nevertheless that I
was force, at other time, to go to war with Napoleon. But it is passed.
So I come to Paris in my proper post-chaise, where I selled him, and
hire one, for almost nothing at all, for bring me to Calais all alone,
because I will not bring my valet to speak French here where all the
world is ignorant.

The morning following, I get upon the vapouring boat to walk so far as
Douvres. It was fine day, and after I am recover myself of a malady of
the sea, I walk myself about the ship, and I see a great mechanic of
wood with iron wheel, and thing to push up inside, and handle to turn.
It seemed to be ingenious, and proper to hoist great burdens. They use
it for shoving the timber, what come down of the vessel, into the place;
and they tell me it was call "Jacques in the _box_:" and I was very much
pleased with the invention so novel.

Very well. I go again promenade upon the board of the vessel, and I look
at the compass, and little boy sailor come and sit him down, and begin
to chatter like the little monkey. Then the man that turns a wheel about
and about laugh, and say, "Very well, Jacques," but I not understand one
word the little fellow say. So I make inquire, and they tell me he was
"_box_ the compass." I was surprise, but I tell myself, "Well, never
mind;" and so we arrive at Douvres. I find myself enough well in the
hotel, but as there has been no _table d'hôte_, I ask for some dinner,
and it was long time I wait: and so I walk myself to the customary
house, and give the key to my portmanteau to the douaniers, or
excisemen, as you call, for them to see as I had no smuggles in my
equipage. Very well. I return at my hotel, and meet one of the waiters,
who tell me (after I stand little moment to the door to see the world
what pass by upon a coach at the instant), "Sir," he say, "your dinner
is ready." "Very well," I make response, "where was it?" "This way,
Sir," he answer, "I have put it in a _box_ in the _café_ room." "Well,
never mind," I say to myself, "when a man himself finds in a stranger
country, he must be never surprised. '_Nil admirari._' Keep the eyes
open and stare at nothing at all."

I found my dinner only there there, because I was so soon come from
France; but, I learn, another sort of the box was a partition and table
particular in a saloon, and I keep there when I eated some good sole
fritted, and some not cooked mutton cutlet; and a gentleman what was put
in another _box_, perhaps Mr. Mathew, because nobody not can know him
twice, like a cameleon he is, call for the "pepper-_box_." Very well. I
take a cup of coffee, and then all my hards and portmanteau come with a
wheel-barrow; and, because it was my resolution to voyage up at London
with the coach, and I find my many little things was not convenient, I
ask the waiter where I may buy a night sack, or get them tie up all
together in a burden. He was well attentive at my cares, and responded,
that he shall find me a _box_ to put them all into. Well, I say nothing
to all but "Yes," for fear to discover my ignorance; so he brings the
little _box_ for the clothes and things into the great _box_ what I was
put into; and he did my affairs in it very well. Then I ask him for some
spectacle in the town, and he sent boot boy with me so far as the
theatre, and I go in to pay. It was shabby poor little place, but the
man what set to have the money, when I say, "How much," asked me if I
would not go into the _boxes_. "Very well," I say, "never mind--oh
yes--to be sure;" and I find very soon the _box_ was the loge, same
thing. I had not understanding sufficient in your tongue then to
comprehend all what I hear--only one poor maiger doctor, what had been
to give his physic too long time at a cavalier old man, was condemned to
swallow up a whole _box_ of his proper pills. "Very well," I say, "that
must be egregious. It is cannot be possible," but they bring a little
_box_ not more grand nor my thumb. It seemed to be to me very
ridiculous; so I returned to my hotel at despair how I could possibility
learn a language what meant so many differents in one word.

I found the same waiter, who, so soon as I come in, tell me--"Sir, did
you not say that you would go by the coach to-morrow morning?" I
replied--"Yes; and I have bespeaked a seat out of the side, because I
shall wish to amuse myself with the country, and you have no cabriolets
in your coaches." "Sir," he say, very polite, "if you shall allow me, I
would recommend you the _box_, and then the coachman shall tell
everything." "Very well," I reply, "yes--to be sure--I shall have a
_box_ then--yes;" and then I demanded a fire into my chamber, because I
think myself enrhumed upon the sea, and the maid of the chamber come to
send me in bed: but I say, "No so quick, if you please; I will write to
some friend how I find myself in England. Very well--here is the fire,
but perhaps it shall go out before I have finish." She was pretty
laughing young woman, and say, "Oh no, Sir, if you pull the bell, the
porter, who sits up all night, will come, unless you like to attend to
it yourself, and then you will find the coal-_box_ in the closet."
Well--I say nothing but "Yes--oh yes." But, when she is gone, I look
direct into the closet, and see a _box_ not no more like none of the
other _boxes_ what I see all day than nothing.

Well--I write at my friends, and then I tumble about when I wake, and
dream in the sleep what should possible be the description of the _box_,
what I must be put in to-morrow for my voyage.

In the morning, it was very fine time, I see the coach at the door, and
I walk all around before they bring the horses; but I see nothing what
they can call _boxes_, only the same kind as what my little business was
put into. So I ask for the post of letters at a little boots boy, who
showed me by the Quay, and tell me, pointing by his finger at a
window--"There see, there was the letter-_box_," and I perceive a
crevice. "Very well--all _box_ again to-day," I say, and give my letter
to the master of postes, and go away again at the coach, where I very
soon find out what was coach-_box_, and mount myself upon it. Then come
the coachman habilitated like the gentleman, and the first word he say
was--"Keep horses! Bring my _box_-coat!" and he push up a grand capote
with many scrapes.

"But--never mind," I say; "I shall see all the _boxes_ in time." So he
kick his leg upon the board, and cry "cheat!" and we are out into the
country in lesser than one minute, and roll at so grand pace, what I
have had fear we will be reversed. But after little times, I take
courage and we begin to entertain together: but I hear one of the wheels
cry squeak, so I tell him, "Sir, one of the wheel would be greased;"
then he make reply nonchalancely, "Oh it is nothing but one of the
_boxes_ what is too tight." But it is very long time after as I learn
that wheel a _box_ was pipe of iron what go turn round upon the axle.

Well--we fly away at the pace of charge. I see great castles, many; then
come a pretty house of country well ornamented, and I make inquire what
it should be. "Oh!" responded he, "I not remember the gentleman's name,
but it is what we call a snug country _box_."

Then I feel myself abymed at despair, and begin to suspect that he
amused himself. But, still I tell myself, "Well, never mind; we shall
see." And then after sometimes, there come another house, all alone in a
forest, not ornated at all. "What, how you call that?" I demand of
him--"Oh!" he responded again, "that is a shooting-_box_ of Lord
Killfot's." "Oh!" I cry at last out," that is little too strong;" but he
hoisted his shoulders and say nothing. Well, we come at a house of
country, ancient with the trees cut like some peacocks, and I
demand--"What you call these trees?" "_Box_, Sir," he tell me. "Devil is
in the _box_," I say at myself. "But, never mind; we shall see." So I
myself refreshed with a pinch of snuff and offer him, and he take very
polite, and remark upon an instant--"That is a very handsome _box_ of
yours, Sir."

"Morbleu!" I exclaimed with inadvertencyness, but I stop myself. Then he
pull out his snuff-_box_, and I take a pinch, because I like at home to
be sociable when I am out at voyages, and not show some pride with
inferior. It was of wood beautiful with turnings, and colour of
yellowish. So I was pleased to admire very much, and inquire the name of
the wood, and again he say--"_Box_, Sir."--Well, I hold myself with
patience, but it was difficilly; and we keep with great gallop, till we
come at a great crowd of the people. Then I say, "What for all so large
concourse?" "Oh!" he response again, "there is one grand _boxing_
match--a battle here to-day." "Peste!" I tell myself, "a battle of
_boxes_! Well, never mind! I hope it can be a combat at the outrance,
and they all shall destroy one another, for I am fatigued."

Well--we arrive at an hotel, very superb, all as it ought, and I demand
a morsel to refresh myself. I go into a saloon, but, before I finish,
great noise come into the passage, and I pull the bell's rope to demand
why so great tapage? The waiter tell me, and he laugh at same time, but
very civil no less--"Oh, Sir, it is only two of the women what quarrel,
and one has given another a _box_ on the ear."

Well--I go back on the coach-box, but I look, as I pass, at all the
women ear, for the _box_; but not none I see. "Well," I tell myself once
more, "never mind, we shall see;" and we drive on very passable and
agreeable times till we approached ourselves near London: but then come
one another coach of the opposition to pass by, and the coachman
say--"No, my boy, it shan't do!" and then he whip his horses, and made
some traverse upon the road, and tell to me, all the times, a long
explication what the other coachman have done otherwhiles, and finish
not till we stop, and the coach of opposition come behind him in one
narrow place. Well--then he twist himself round, and, with full voice,
cry himself out at the another man, who was so angry as himself--"I'll
tell you what, my hearty! If you comes some more of your gammon at me, I
shan't stand, and you shall yourself find in the wrong _box_." It was
not for many weeks after as I find out the wrong _box_ meaning.

Well--we get at London, at the coaches office, and I unlightened from my
seat, and go at the bureau for pay my passage, and gentleman very polite
demanded if I had some friend at London. I converse with him very little
time in voyaging, because he was in the interior; but I perceive he is
real gentleman. So, I say--"No, Sir, I am stranger." Then he very
honestly recommend me at an hotel, very proper, and tell me--"Sir,
because I have some affairs in the Banque, I must sleep in the City this
night; but to-morrow I shall come at the hotel, where you shall find
some good attentions if you make the use of my name." "Very well," I
tell myself, "this is best." So we exchange the cards, and I have
hackney coach to come at my hotel, where they say--"No room, Sir--very
sorry--no room." But I demand to stop the moment, and produce the card
what I could not read before, in the movements of the coach with the
darkness. The master of the hotel take it from my hand, and become very
polite of the instant, and whisper to the ear of some waiters, and these
come at me, and say--"Oh yes, Sir, I know Mr. _Box_ very well. Worthy
gentleman, Mr. Box. Very proud to incommode any friend of Mr. Box. Pray
inlight yourself, and walk in my house." So I go in, and find myself
very proper, and soon come so as if I was in my own particular chamber;
and Mr. Box come next day, and I find very soon that he was the _right_
Box, and not the _wrong_ box. Ha, ha! You shall excuse my badinage--eh?
But never mind--I am going at Leicestershire to see the foxes hunting,
and perhaps will get upon a coach-box in the spring, and go at
Edinburgh; but I have fear I cannot come at your "Noctes," because I
have not learn yet to eat so great supper. I always read what they speak
there twice over, except what Mons. Le "Shepherd" say, what I read
three time; but never could comprehend exactly what he say, though I
discern some time the grand idea, what walk in darkness almost
"visible," as your divine Milton say. I am particular fond of the
poetry. I read three books of the "Paradise Lost" to Mr. Box, but he not
hear me no more--he pronounce me perfect.

After one such compliment, it would be almost the same as ask you for
another, if I shall make apology in case I have not find the correct
idiotism of your language in this letter; so I shall not make none at
all--only throw myself at your mercy, like a great critic.

I have the honour of subscribe myself,

Your much obedient servant,

LOUIS LE CHEMINANT.

P. S. Ha! ha! It is very droll! I tell my valet, we go at Leicestershire
for the hunting fox. Very well. So soon as I finish this letter, he come
and demand what I shall leave behind in orders for some presents, to
give what people will come at my lodgments for Christmas
_Boxes_.--_Blackwood's Magazine._




ABSURDITIES.


TO attempt to borrow money on the plea of extreme poverty.--To lose
money at play, and then fly into a passion about it.--To ask the
publisher of a new periodical how many copies he sells per week.--To ask
a wine merchant how old his wine is.--To make yourself generally
disagreeable, and wonder that nobody will visit you, unless they gain
some palpable advantage by it.--To get drunk, and complain the next
morning of a headache.--To spend your earnings on liquor, and wonder
that you are ragged.--To sit shivering in the cold because you won't
have a fire till November.--To suppose that reviewers generally read
more than the title-page of the works they praise or condemn.--To judge
of people's piety by their attendance at church.--To keep your clerks on
miserable salaries, and wonder at their robbing you.--Not to go to bed
when you are tired and sleepy, because "it is not bed time."--To make
your servants tell lies for you, and afterwards be angry because they
tell lies for themselves.--To tell your own secrets, and believe other
people will keep them.--To render a man a service voluntarily, and
expect him to be grateful for it.--To expect to make people honest by
hardening them in a jail, and afterwards sending them adrift without the
means of getting work.--To fancy a thing is cheap because a low price is
asked for it.--To say that a man is charitable because he subscribes to
an hospital.--To keep a dog or a cat on short allowance, and complain of
its being a thief.--To degrade human nature in the hope of improving
it.--To praise the beauty of a woman's hair before you know whether it
did not once belong to somebody else.--To expect that your tradespeople
will give you long credit if they generally see you in shabby
clothes.--To arrive at the age of fifty, and be surprised at any vice,
folly, or absurdity your fellow creatures may be guilty of.




GOOD REASON.


AN Irishman being asked why he wore his stockings wrong side out,
replied, "Because there's a hole on the ither side ov 'em."




PUTTING DOWN A LADY.


AT a religious meeting, a lady persevered in standing on a bench, and
thus intercepting the view of others, though repeatedly requested to sit
down. A reverend old gentleman at last rose, and said, gravely, "I
think, if the lady knew that she had a large hole in each of her
stockings, she would not exhibit them in this way." This had the desired
effect--she immediately sunk down on her seat. A young minister standing
by, blushed to the temples, and said, "O brother, how could you say what
was not the fact?" "Not the fact!" replied the old gentleman; "if she
had not a large hole in each of her stockings, I should like to know how
she gets them on."




WOMAN'S RIGHTS.


MISS Lucy Stone, of Boston, a "woman's rights" woman, having put the
question, "Marriage--what is it?" an Irish echo in the _Boston Post_
inquires, "Wouldn't you like to know?"




A COMPROMISE.


A BOY was caught in the act of stealing dried berries in front of a
store, the other day, and was locked up in a dark closet by the grocer.
The boy commenced begging most pathetically to be released, and after
using all the persuasion that his young imagination could invent,
proposed, "Now, if you'll let me out, and send for my daddy, he'll pay
you for them, and _lick me besides_." This appeal was too much for the
grocer to stand out against.




ELECTION MORALS.


AN elector of a country town, who was warmly pressed during the recent
contest to give his vote to a certain candidate, replied that it was
impossible, since he had already promised to vote for the other. "Oh,"
said the candidate, "in election matters, promises, you know, go for
nothing." "If that is the case," rejoined the elector, "I promise you my
vote at once."--_Galignani's Messenger._




A QUANDARY.


THE _New Orleans Picayune_ defines a quandary thus:--"A baker with both
arms up to the elbows in dough, and a flea in the leg of his trowsers."
We have just heard a story which conveys quite as clever an idea of the
thing as the _Picayune's_ definition. An old gentleman, who had studied
theological subjects rather too much for the strength of his brains,
determined to try his luck in preaching; nothing doubting but that
matter and form would be given him, without any particular preparation
on his own part. Accordingly on Sunday he ascended the pulpit, sung and
prayed, read his text, and stopped. He stood a good while, first on one
leg, and then on the other, casting his eyes up towards the rafters, and
then on the floor, in a merciless quandary. At length language came to
his relief:--"If any of you down there think you can preach, just come
up here and try it!"--_North Carolina Patriot._




ELEGANT EXTRACT.


A PERFUMER should make a good editor, because he is accustomed to making
"elegant extracts."




EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.


THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assizes:--

_Counsel_: What was the height of the horse?--_Witness_: Sixteen feet.

_Counsel_: How old was he?--_Witness_: Six years.

_Counsel_: How high did you say he was?--_Witness_: Sixteen hands.

_Counsel_: You said, just now, sixteen feet.--_Witness_: Sixteen _feet_!
Did I say sixteen _feet_?

_Counsel_: You did.--_Witness_: _If I did say sixteen feet, it was
sixteen feet!_--you don't catch me crossing myself!




THE CAPE COD YANKEE.


A YANKEE visiting Boston, introduced himself, as follows:

"My name is Ichabod Eli Erastus Pickrel; I used to keep a grocery store
deown Cape Cod. Patience Doolittle, she kept a notion store, right over
opposite. One day, Patience come into my store arter a pitcher of
lasses, for home consumption, (ye see, I'd had a kind of a sneaking
notion arter Patience, for some time,) so, ses I, 'Patience, heow would
you like to be made Mrs. Pickrel?' Upon that, she kerflounced herself
rite deown on a bag of salt, in a sort of kniption fitt. I seased the
pitcher, forgetting what was in it, and soused the molasses all over
her, and there she sat, looking like Mount Vesuvius, with the lava
running deown its sides; ye see, she was kivered with love, transport,
and molasses. She was a master large gal, of her bigness, she weighed
three hundred averdupoise, and _a breakfast over_. She could throw
eanermost any feller in our neighborhood, at _Indian hugs_. Arter
awhile, she kum tu, and I imprinted a kiss right on her bussers, that
is, as near as I could for the molasses, and twan't more than a spell
and a half, before _we caught a couple of little Pickrels_. The whooping
cough collered one of them, and _snaked him rite eout of town_. The
other one had a fight with the measles, and got licked. Mrs. Pickrel
took to having the typhus fever for a living, and twan't more than a
half a spell, before she busted up, and left me a disconsolate
wider-er-er. If you know of any putty gals that is in the market, just
tell them that I'm thar myself."




JOSEPH AND POTIPHAR'S WIFE.


A DUTCH boy, being asked why Joseph would not sleep with Potiphar's
wife, replied, after considerable hesitation, "_I schpose he vash not
schleepy_."




SHE DIDN'T TAKE ANY.


A LITTLE girl, after returning from church, where she saw a collection
taken up for the first time, related what took place, and, among other
things, she said, with all her childish innocence, "That a man passed
round a plate that had some money on it, _but she didn't take any_."




DEFINITIONS.


A LADY walking with her husband on the beach, inquired of him, the
difference between exportation and transportation. "Why, my dear,"
replied he, "if you were on board yonder vessel, you would be
_exported_, and I should be _transported_."




CHANCERY.


EVERY animal has its enemies; the land tortoise has two enemies--man and
the boa constrictor. Man takes him home and roasts him; and the boa
constrictor swallows him whole, shell and all, and consumes him slowly
in the interior, _as the Court of Chancery does a great
estate_.--_Sydney Smith._




SMART UNS.


FIRST class in astronomy, stand up. "Where does the sun rise?" "Please,
sir, down in our meadow; I seed it yesterday!" "Hold your tongue, you
dunce; where does the sun rise?" "I know--in the east!" "Right, and why
does it rise in the east?" "Because the _'east_ makes _everything_
rise." "Out, you booby!"




MRS. PARTINGTON.


MRS. PARTINGTON lately remarked to a legal friend: "If I owes a man a
debt, and makes him the lawless tenant of a blank bill, and he infuses
to incept it, but swears out an execration and levels it upon my body,
if I wouldn't make a pollywog of him drown me in the Nuxwine sea."




TO THOSE ABOUT TO GO TO LAW.


TO him that goes to law, nine things are requisite:--1st, a good deal of
money; 2nd, a good deal of patience; 3rd, a good cause; 4th, a good
attorney; 5th, a good counsel; 6th, good evidence; 7th, a good jury;
8th, a good judge; 9th, good luck. Even with all these, a wise man
should hesitate before going to law.




ERROR CORRECTED.


THE Rev. Sydney Smith, preaching a charity sermon, frequently repeated
the assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were the most
distinguished for generosity and the love of their species. The
collection happened to be inferior to his expectations, and he said that
he had evidently made a great mistake, for that his expression should
have been, that they were distinguished for the love of their _specie_.




A QUERY.


WHICH travels at the greater speed, heat or cold? Heat: because you can
easily catch cold.




BACKGAMMON.


TOM BROWN says, "A woman may learn one useful doctrine from the game of
backgammon, which is, not to take up her man till she's sure of him."




TALLEYRAND AGAIN.


MONSIEUR de Semonville, one of the ablest tacticians of his time, was
remarkable for the talent with which, amidst the crush of revolutions,
he always managed to maintain his post and take care of his personal
interests. He knew exactly where to address himself for support, and the
right time of availing himself of it. When Talleyrand, one of his most
intimate friends, heard of his death, he reflected for a few minutes,
and then drily observed, "I can't for the life of me make out what
interest Semonville had to serve by dying just now."




AN EVENING PARTY.


A FRIEND of mine, in Portland place, has a wife who inflicts upon him,
every season, two or three immense evening parties. At one of those
parties, he was standing in a very forlorn condition, leaning against
the chimney-piece, when a gentleman coming up to him, said, "Sir, as
neither of us is acquainted with any of the people here, I think we had
best go home."




SAM SLICK HOOKING LUCY'S GOWN.


"WELL, just as I was ready to start away, down comes Lucy to the keepin'
room, with both arms behind her head, a fixin' of the hooks and eyes.
'Man alive,' says she, 'are you here yet? I thought you was off gunnin'
an hour ago; who'd a thought you was here?' 'Gunnin'?' says I, 'Lucy, my
gunnin' is over, I shan't go no more, now, I shall go home; I agree with
you; shiverin' alone under a wet bush, for hours, is no fun; but if Lucy
was there'--'Get out,' says she, 'don't talk nonsense, Sam, and just
fasten the other hook and eye of my frock, will you?' She turned round
her back to me. Well, I took the hook in one hand, and the eye in the
other; but arth and seas! my eyes fairly snapped again; I never see such
a neck since I was raised. It sprung right out o' the breast and
shoulder, full round, and then tapered up to the head like a swan's, and
the complexion would beat the most delicate white and red rose that ever
was seen. Lick, it made me all eyes! I jist stood stock still, I
couldn't move a finger, if I was to die for it. 'What ails you, Sam,'
says she, 'that you don't hook it?' 'Why,' says I, 'Lucy, dear, my
fingers is all thumbs, that's a fact, I can't handle such little things
as fast as you can.' 'Well, come,' says she, 'make haste, that's a dear,
mother will be comin' directly;' and at last I shut to both my eyes, and
fastened it; and when I had done, says I, 'There is one thing I must
say, Lucy.' 'What's that?' says she. 'That you may stump all Connecticut
to show such an angeliferous neck as you have. I never saw the beat of
it in all my born days--it's the most----' 'And you may stump the State,
too,' says she, 'to produce such another bold, forrard, impedent,
onmannerly tongue, as you have--so there now--so get along with
you.'"--_Sam Slick._




A GREAT CALF.


SIR William B., being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which
were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," says he to the
farmer, "do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two
colleges at each university?" "Well, sir," said the farmer, "what of
that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was,
the more he sucked, the greater calf he grew."--_Flowers of Anecdote._




TAXATION.


THERE is one passage in the Scriptures, to which all the potentates of
Europe seem to have given their unanimous assent and approbation, and to
have studied so thoroughly, as to have it at their fingers'
ends:--"There went out a decree in the days of Augustus Cæsar, that all
the world should be taxed."--_C. C. Colton._




AN ITINERANT MARTYR.


"JIM," said one fast man, yesterday to another, "it is reported that you
left the East, on account of your belief, an itinerant martyr." "How,"
replied Jim, flattered by the remark, "how's that?" "Why, a police
officer told me that you believed everything you saw belonged to you,
and as the public didn't, you left."




SEE--SAW.


"NOGGS, Jr," speaking of a blind wood sawyer, says: "While none ever
_saw_ him _see_, thousands have _seen_ him _saw_."




FELLOW-FEELING.


A COUNTRYMAN was dragging a calf by a rope in a cruel manner. An
Irishman asked him if that was the way "he threated a fellow creathur?"




MISAPPLICATION OF WORDS BY FOREIGNERS.


THE misapplication of English words by foreigners is often very
ludicrous. A German friend saluted us once with, "Oh, good bye, good
bye!"--meaning, of course, "How d'ye do?" It is said that Dr. Chalmers
once entertained a distinguished guest from Switzerland, whom he asked
if he would be helped to kippered salmon. The foreign divine asked the
meaning of the uncouth word "kippered," and was told that it meant
"preserved." The poor man, in a public prayer, soon after, offered a
petition that the distinguished divine might long be "kippered to the
Free Church of Scotland."




WHAT IS A SPOON?


A "SPOON" is a thing that is often near a lady's lips without kissing
them. This is like the definition of a "muff," viz., a thing which holds
a lady's hand without squeezing it.




A CERTIFICATE OF MARRIAGE.


"YOU say, Mrs. Smith, that you have lived with the defendant for eight
years. Does the Court understand from that, that you are married to
him?" "In course it does." "Have you a marriage certificate?" "Yes, your
honor, three on 'em--two gals and a boy." Verdict for the plaintiff.




UNFAIR ADVANTAGE.


ONE of the best things lately said upon age--a very ticklish subject by
the way--was the observation of Mr. James Smith to Mr. Thomas Hill.
"Hill," said the former gentleman, "you take an unfair advantage of an
accident: the register of your birth was burnt in the great fire of
London, and you avail yourself of the circumstance to give out that you
are younger than you are."




TWO-FOLD ILLUSTRATION.


SIR Fletcher Norton was noted for his want of courtesy. When pleading
before Lord Mansfield, on some question of manorial right, he chanced
unfortunately to say, "My Lord, I can illustrate the point in an instant
in my own person: I myself have two little manors." The judge
immediately interposed, with one of his blandest smiles, "We all know
it, Sir Fletcher."




A YANKEE STORY.


AN Englishman was bragging of the speed on English railroads to a Yankee
traveler seated at his side in one of the cars of a "fast train," in
England. The engine bell was rung as the train neared a station. It
suggested to the Yankee an opportunity of "taking down his companion a
peg or two." "What's that noise?" innocently inquired the Yankee. "We
are approaching a town," said the Englishman; "they have to commence
ringing about ten miles before they get to a station, or else the train
would run by it before the bell could be heard! Wonderful, isn't it? I
suppose they haven't invented bells in America yet?" "Why, yes," replied
the Yankee, "we've got bells, but can't use them on our railroads. We
run so 'tarnal fast that the train always keeps ahead of the sound. No
use whatever; the sound never reaches the village till after the train
gets by." "Indeed!" exclaimed the Englishman. "Fact," said the Yankee;
"had to give up bells. Then we tried steam whistles--but they wouldn't
answer either. I was on a locomotive when the whistle was tried. We were
going at a tremendous rate--hurricanes were nowhere, and I had to hold
my hair on. We saw a two-horse wagon crossing the track about five miles
ahead, and the engineer let the whistle on, screeching like a trooper.
It screamed awfully, but it wasn't no use. The next thing I knew, I was
picking myself out of a pond by the roadside, amid the fragments of the
locomotive, dead horses, broken wagon, and dead engineer lying beside
me. Just then the whistle came along, mixed up with some frightful oaths
that I had heard the engineer use when he first saw the horses. Poor
fellow! he was dead before his voice got to him. After that we tried
lights, supposing these would travel faster than the sound. We got some
so powerful that the chickens woke up all along the road when we came
by, supposing it to be morning. But the locomotive kept ahead of it
still, and was in the darkness, with the lights close on behind it. The
inhabitants petitioned against it; they couldn't sleep with so much
light in the night time. Finally, we had to station electric telegraphs
along the road, with signal men to telegraph when the train was in
sight; and I have heard that some of the fast trains beat the lightning
fifteen minutes every forty miles. But I can't say as that is true; the
rest I know to be so."--_New York Tribune._




ANCIENT DESCENT.


NOT long since a certain noble peer in Yorkshire, who is fond of
boasting of his Norman descent, thus addressed one of his tenants, who,
he thought, was not speaking to him with proper respect: "Do you not
know that my ancestors came over with William the Conqueror?" "And,
mayhap," retorted the sturdy Saxon, nothing daunted, "they found mine
here when they comed." The noble lord felt that he had the worst of it.




BAD'S THE BEST.


MR. CANNING was once asked by an English clergyman how he had liked the
sermon he had preached before him.

"Why, it was a short sermon," quoth Canning. "Oh, yes," said the
preacher; "you know I avoid being tedious." "Ah, but," replied Canning,
"you _were_ tedious."




QUEER DUELS.


A CERTAIN man of pleasure, about London, received a challenge from a
young gentleman of his acquaintance; and they met at the appointed
place. Just before the signal for firing was given, the man of pleasure
rushed up to his antagonist, embraced him, and vehemently protested that
he could not lift his arm "_against his own flesh and blood_!" The young
gentleman, though he had never heard any imputation cast upon his
mother's character, was so much staggered, that (as the ingenious man of
pleasure had foreseen) no duel took place.

HUMPHREY HOWARTH, the surgeon, was called out, and made his appearance
in the field, stark naked, to the astonishment of the challenger, who
asked him what he meant. "I know," said H., "that if any part of the
clothing is carried into the body, by a gunshot wound, festering ensues;
and therefore I have met you thus." His antagonist declared, that
fighting with a man _in puris naturalibus_, would be quite ridiculous;
and accordingly they parted, without further discussion.

LORD ALVANLEY, on returning home, after his duel with young O'Connell,
gave a guinea to the hackney-coachman, who had driven him out, and
brought him back. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said,
"My lord, I only took you to ----." Alvanley interrupted him, "My
friend, the guinea is _for bringing me back_, not for taking me out."




PROVOKING.


TO kneel before your goddess, and burst both pantaloon straps.




TEACHING A FOREIGNER TO SPEAK ENGLISH.


MY friend, the foreigner, called on me to bid me farewell, before he
quitted town, and on his departure, he said, "I am going at the
country." I ventured to correct his phraseology, by saying that we were
accustomed to say "going into the country." He thanked me for this
correction and said he had profited by my lesson, and added, "I will
knock _into your_ door, on my return."--_Memorials._




PHILOSOPHY.


_Experimental_ philosophy--asking a man to lend you money. _Moral_
philosophy--refusing to do it.




INGENIOUS ADVERTISEMENT.


SYDNEY SMITH, once upon a time, despatched a pretentious octavo, in the
_Edinburgh_, with a critique, one paragraph in length; that achievement
is matched by the disposal of a work in the _Courier and Enquirer_, as
follows, by ingeniously employing the opening sentence of the book
itself:--

"_The History of Rasselas, Prince of Abyssinia._ A Tale by SAMUEL
JOHNSON, LL. D. A new edition, with illustrations. 12mo., pp. 206.
New York: C. S. FRANCIS & CO.

"Ye who listen with credulity to the whispers of fancy, and pursue with
eagerness the phantoms of hope; who expect that age will perform the
promises of youth, and that deficiencies of the present day will be
supplied by the morrow; attend to the history of _Rasselas_, Prince of
Abyssinia."




CURIOUS CONVEYANCE.


SUTTON was part of the demesne of John of Gaunt, the celebrated Duke of
Lancaster, who gifted it to an ancestor of the proprietor, Sir J. M.
Burgoyne, as appears from the following quaint lines:--

    "I, John of Gaunt,
    Do give and do grant,
    Unto Roger Burgoyne,
    And the heirs of his loin,
    Both Sutton and Potton,
    Until the world's rotten."




SMOKING MANNERS.


A KENTUCKIAN visited a merchant at New York, with whom, after dinner, he
drank wine and smoked cigars, spitting on the carpet, much to the
annoyance of his host, who desired a spittoon to be brought for his
troublesome visitor; he, however, pushed it away with his foot, and when
it was replaced, he kicked it away again, quite unaware of its use. When
it had been thrice replaced, the Kentuckian drawled out to the servant
who had brought it: "I tell you what; you've been pretty considerable
troublesome with that ere thing, I guess; if you put it there again, I'm
hung if I don't spit in it."




LANDSEER AND SIDNEY SMITH.


MR. LANDSEER, the best living animal painter, once asked the late Rev.
Sydney Smith if he would grant him a sitting, whereupon the Rev. Canon
biblically replied--"Is thy servant a dog that he should do this
thing?"




SPECKLED BUTTER.


"DO you want to buy a real lot of butter?" said a Yankee notion dealer,
who had picked up a load at fifty different places, to a Boston
merchant.

"What kind of butter is it?" asked the buyer.

"The clean quill; all made by my wife; a dairy of forty cows, only two
churnings."

"But what makes it so many different colors?" said the merchant.

"Darnation! hear that, now. I guess you wouldn't ax that question if
you'd see my cows, for they are a darned sight speckleder than the
butter is."




A LOGICAL BAGGAGE MASTER.


THE post of baggage master on a railroad train is not an enviable one.
There is often a wide difference between the company's regulations, and
the passenger's opinion of what articles, and what amount of them,
properly come under the denomination of baggage; and this frequently
subjects the unlucky official of the trunks and bandbox department to
animated discussions with a certain class of the traveling public. We
heard lately an anecdote of George, the affable B. M. on Capt. Cobb's
train on the Virginia and Tennessee road, which is too good to be lost.
A passenger presented himself at a way station on the road, with two
trunks and a saddle for which he requested checks. The baggage master
promptly checked the trunks, but demanded the extra charge of
twenty-five cents for the saddle. To this the passenger demurred, and
losing his temper, peremptorily asked:--

"Will you check my baggage, sir?"

"Are you a horse?" quietly inquired George.

"What do you mean, sir?" exclaimed the irritated traveler.

"You claim to have this saddle checked as baggage?"

"Certainly--it is baggage," positively returned the passenger.

"Well," said the imperturbable George, "by the company's regulations
nothing but wearing apparel is admitted to be baggage, and if the saddle
is your wearing apparel, of course you must be a horse! Now, sir, just
allow me to strap it on your back, and it shall go to the end of the
road without any extra charge whatever."

The traveller paid his quarter and offered George his hat.--_Bristol
News._




A PHYSICIAN'S LIFE.


NOTHING vexes a physician so much as to be sent for in great haste, and
to find, after his arrival, that nothing, or next to nothing, is the
matter with his patient. We remember an "urgent case" of this kind,
recorded of an eminent English surgeon.

He had been sent for by a gentleman who had just received a slight
wound, and gave his servant orders to go home with all haste imaginable,
and fetch a certain plaster. The patient turning a little pale, said:

"Heavens, sir! I hope there is no danger!"

"Indeed there is!" answered the surgeon: "for if the fellow doesn't run
there like a cart horse, the wound will be healed before he can possibly
get back."




A CONSTELLATION.


THE following conversation occurred between a theatrical manager and an
aspirant for Thespian honors:

"What is your pleasure?" asked the manager.

"An engagement at your theatre," said the applicant.

"But you stammer."

"Like Hatterton."

"You are very small."

"Like Kean."

"You speak monotonously."

"Like Macready."

"And through the nose."

"Like Booth."

"And you make faces."

"Like Burton."

"You have badly shaped legs."

"Like Wallack."

"And brawny arms."

"Like Forrest."

"An obese person."

"Like Blake."

"But you unite the defects of all these stars."

"Th-th-that's just it. If you engage me, you will need no stars at all."




INTEREST.


"PA, what is the interest of a kiss?" asked a sweet sixteen of her sire.
"Well, really, I don't know. Why do you ask?" "Because George borrowed a
kiss from me last night, and said he would pay it back with interest
after we were married."




FLATFOOTED COURTSHIP.


ONE long summer afternoon there came to Mr. Davidson's the most curious
specimen of an old bachelor the world ever heard of. He was old, gray,
wrinkled, and odd. He hated women, especially old maids, and wasn't
afraid to say so. He and aunt Patty had it hot and heavy, whenever
chance threw them together; yet still he came, and it was noticed that
aunt Patty took unusual pains with her dress whenever he was expected.
One day the contest waged unusually strong. Aunt Patty left him in
disgust and went out into the garden. "The bear!" she muttered to
herself, as she stooped to gather a blossom which attracted her
attention.

"What did you run away for?" said a gruff voice close to her side.

"To get rid of you."

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"No, you are worse than a burdock bur."

"You won't get rid of me neither."

"I won't! eh?"

"Only in one way."

"And what?"

"Marry me!"

"What! us two fools get married? What will people say?"

"That's nothing to us. Come, say yes or no, I'm in a hurry."

"Well, no, then."

"Very well, good bye. I shan't come again."

"But stop a bit--what a pucker to be in!"

"Yes or no?"

"I must consult"--

"All right--I thought you was of age. Good bye."

"Jabez Andrews, don't be a fool. Come back, come back, I say. Why, I
believe the critter has taken me for earnest. Jabez Andrews, I'll
consider."

"I don't want no considering. I'm gone. Becky Hastings is waiting for
me. I thought I'd give you the first chance. All right. Good bye."

"Jabez! Jabez! That stuck up Becky Hastings shan't have him, if I die
for it. Jabez--yes. Do you hear? Y-e-s!"




AMUSING INCIDENT IN COURT.


AT the Durham assizes, a very deaf old lady, who had brought an action
for damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the Judge
suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask her what she would
take to settle the matter. "What will you take?" asked a gentleman in a
bob-tailed wig, of the old lady. The old lady merely shook her head at
the counsel, informing the jury, in confidence, that "she was very hard
o' hearing." "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the
counsel again, this time bawling as loud as ever he could in the old
lady's ear. "I thank his lordship kindly," the ancient dame answered
stoutly, "and if it's no ill convenience to him, I'll take a little warm
ale." (Roars of laughter.)--_English Paper._




BAD DINNER.


THEODORE HOOK, in describing a badly dressed dinner, observed that
everything was sour but the vinegar.




PRINTER AND DUTCHMAN.


SELDOM does a live Dutchman get the credit of more smart things than are
set down to him in this catechism that he puts to a journeyman printer.

A Dutchman sitting at the door of his tavern in the Far West, is
approached by a tall, thin Yankee, who is emigrating westward on foot,
with a bundle on a cane over his shoulder:

"Vell, Misther Valking Sthick, vat you vant?"

"Rest and refreshments," replied the printer.

"Super and lotchin, I reckon?"

"Yes, supper and lodging, if you please."

"Pe ye a Yankee peddler, mit chewelry in your pack, to sheat the gals?"

"No, sir, I am no Yankee peddler."

"A singin'-master, too lazy to work?"

"No, sir."

"A shenteel shoemaker, vat loves to measure te gals' feet and hankles
petter tan to make te shoes?"

"No, sir, or I should have mended my own shoes."

"A pook achent, vat podders te school committees till they do vat you
vish, shoost to get rid of you?"

"Guess again, sir. I am no book agent."

"Te tyfels! a dentist, preaking te people's jaws at a dollar a shnag,
and running off mit my daughter?"

"No sir, I am no tooth-puller."

"Prenologus, ten, feeling te young folks, heads like so much cabbitch?"

"No, I am no phrenologist."

"Vell, ten, vat the mischief can you be? Shoost tell, and ye shall have
te pest sassage for supper, and shtay all night, free gratis, mitout a
cent, and a shill of whiskey to start mit in te morning."

"I am an humble disciple of Faust--a professor of the art that preserves
all arts--a typographer at your service."

"Votch dat?"

"A printer, sir: a man that prints books and newspapers."

"A man vat printish nooshpapers! oh yaw! yaw! ay, dat ish it. A man vat
printish nooshpapers! Yaw! yaw! Valk up! a man vat printish nooshpapers!
I vish I may pe shot if I didn't dink you vas a poor old dishtrict
schoolmaster, who verks for notting and poards around--I tought you vas
him!"




TRUTH STRANGER THAN FICTION.


A NEW ORLEANS lady recently eloped, leaving a note, bidding her
idolizing husband good bye, and requesting him not to mourn for the
children, as "none of them were his."




TELLING ONE'S AGE.


A LADY, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said, "Alas! I am near
thirty." Scarron, who was present, and knew her age, said, "Do not fret
at it, madam; for you will get further from that frightful epoch every
day."




ALL FLESH IS DUST.


"MAMMA," said a promising youth of some four or five years, "if all
people are made of dust, ain't niggers made of coal-dust?"




TALLEYRAND.


AT a time when public affairs were in a very unsettled state, a
gentleman, who squinted terribly, asked Talleyrand how things were going
on. "Why, as you see, Sir," was the reply.




KITCHINER AND COLMAN.


THE most celebrated wits and _bon vivans_ of the day graced the
dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchiner, and, _inter alios_, the late
George Colman, who was an especial favourite; his interpolation of a
little monosyllable in a written admonition which the doctor caused to
be placed on the mantel-piece of the dining-parlour will never be
forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom
permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at
eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's
attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment,
"Come at seven, go it at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret
was punished accordingly.




CREDIT.


AMONG the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's
description of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying his
tradesmen's bills;" Lord Orford's definition of timber, "an excrescence
on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of
debts;" and Pelham's argument, that it is respectable to be arrested,
because it shows that the party once had credit.




SWIFT.


IN the reign of King William, it happened that the king had either
chosen or actually taken this motto for his stage coach in Ireland: "Non
rapui, sed recepi,"--"I did not steal it, but received it," alluding to
his being called to the throne by the people. This was reported to Swift
by one of the court emissaries. "And what," said he to the Dean, "do you
think the Prince of Orange has chosen for his motto?" "Dutch cheese,"
said the Dean. "No," said the gentleman, "but 'non rapui, sed recepi.'"
"Aye," said the Dean, "but it is an old saying and a true one, '_The
receiver is as bad as the thief._'"




ALL CORNED.


A SHOWMAN giving entertainments in Lafayette, Ind., was offered by one
man a bushel of corn for admission. The manager declined it, saying that
all the members of his company had been corned for the last week.




THE SEWING MACHINE.


"WHAT do you think of the new sewing machine?" inquired a gentleman of
his friend, who was somewhat of a wag. "Oh," replied the punster, "I
consider it a capital make shift."




POLITENESS.


AN Irish officer, in battle, happening to bow, a cannon ball passed over
his head, and took off the head of a soldier who stood behind him; "You
see," said he, "that a man never loses by politeness."




GEORGE SELWYN.


GEORGE SELWYN, as everybody knows, delighted in seeing executions; he
never missed _being in at a death_ at Tyburn. When Lord Holland (the
father of Charles Fox) was confined to bed, by a dangerous illness, he
was informed by his servant that Mr. Selwyn had recently called to
inquire for him. "On his next visit," said Lord Holland, "be sure you
let him in, whether I am alive or a corpse; for, if I am alive, I shall
have great pleasure in seeing _him_; and if I am a corpse, _he will have
great pleasure in seeing me_."




CHANCERY PUN.


LORD ELDON (the Chancellor) related of his predecessor, _Lord Erskine_,
that, being at a dinner party with Captain Parry, after his first voyage
of discovery, he (Lord Erskine) asked the intrepid navigator, what
himself and his hardy crew lived on, when frozen up in the polar seas.
"On _the Seals_, to be sure," replied Parry. "And a very good living,
too," said the ex-chancellor, "if you keep them long enough!"--_Twiss's
Life of Lord Eldon._




KILTS.


I SHALL be off to the Highlands this fall; but cuss 'em, they han't got
no woods there; nuthin' but heather, and that's only high enough to tear
your clothes. That's the reason the Scotch don't wear no breeches; they
don't like to get 'em ragged up that way for everlastinly; they can't
afford it; so they let 'em scratch and tear their skin, for that will
grow agin, and trousers won't.--_Sam Slick._




LORD ELLENBOROUGH.


LORD ELLENBOROUGH had infinite wit. When the income-tax was imposed, he
said that Lord Kenyon (who was not very nice in his habits) intended, in
consequence of it, to lay down--his pocket-handkerchief.

A lawyer, one day, pleading before him, and using several times, the
expression, "my unfortunate client," Lord Ellenborough suddenly
interrupted him: "There, sir, the court is with you."




EVIDENCE.


THE following is the next best thing to the evidence concerning the
stone "_as big as a piece of chalk_." "Were you traveling on the night
this affair took place?" "I should say I was, Sir." "What kind of
weather was it? Was it raining at the time?" "It was so dark that I
could not see it raining; but I felt it dropping, though." "How dark was
it?" "I had no way of telling; but it was not light, by a jug full."
"Can't you compare it to something?" "Why, if I was going to compare it
to anything, I should say it was about as dark as a stack of black
cats."




AN UP AND DOWN REPLY.


DURING the examination of a witness, as to the locality of stairs in a
house, the counsel asked him, "Which way the stairs ran?" The witness,
who, by the way, was a noted wag, replied, that "One way they ran up
stairs, but the other way they ran down stairs." The learned counsel
winked both eyes and then took a look at the ceiling.




SNORING.


A WESTERN statesman, in one of his tours in the Far West, stopped all
night at a house, where he was put in the same room with a number of
strangers. He was very much annoyed by the snoring of two persons. The
black boy of the hotel entered the room, when our narrator said to him:

"Ben, I will give you five dollars if you will kill that man next to me
who snores so dreadfully."

"Can't kill him for five dollars, but if massa will advance on the
price, I'll try what I can do."

By this time the stranger had ceased his nasal fury. The other was now
to be quieted. So stepping to him he woke him, and said:

"My friend, [he knew who he was,] you're talking in your sleep, and
exposing all the secrets of the Brandon Bank, [he was a director,] you
had better be careful."

He was careful, for he did not go to sleep that night.




TANNING.


"DADDY," said a hopeful urchin to his parental relative, "why don't our
schoolmaster send the editor of the newspaper an account of all the
lickings he gives to the boys?"

"I don't know, my son," replied the parent, "but why do you ask me such
a question?"

"Why, this paper says that Mr. B. has tanned three thousand hides at his
establishment during the past year, and I know that old Grimes has
tanned our hides more'n twice that many times--the editor ought to know
it."




A PRINTER IN COURT.


A SUIT came on the other day in which a printer named Kelvy was a
witness. The case was an assault and battery that came off between two
men named Brown and Henderson.

"Mr. Kelvy, did you witness the affair referred to?"

"Yes, sir."

"Well, what have you to say about it?"

"That it was the best piece of punctuation I have seen for some time."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Why, that Brown dotted one of Henderson's eyes, for which Henderson put
a period to Brown's breathing for about half a minute."

The court comprehended the matter at once, and fined the defendant fifty
dollars.




TAKING THE PAPER.


"SIR," said a pompous personage who once undertook to bully an editor,
"do you know that I take your paper?" "I've no doubt you take it,"
replied the man of the quill, "for several of my honest subscribers have
been complaining lately about their papers being missing in the
morning."




IMPRESSIVE DISCOURSE.


IT is stated that the Rev. George Trask, of Pittsburg, lectured so
powerfully in Webster, a few days ago, against the use of tobacco, that
several of his audience went home and burned their cigars--holding one
end of them in their mouths.




HOW "GEORGE" BECAME A TEETOTALER.


A SHORT time since, a young man living in Ogdensburgh, N. Y., whose name
we shall call George, took to drinking rather more than usual, and some
of his friends endeavored to cure him. One day, when he was in rather a
loose condition, they got him in a room, and commenced conversing about
_delirium tremens_, directing all their remarks to him, and telling him
what fearful objects, such as snakes and rats, were always seen by the
victims of this horrible disease. When the conversation had waxed high
on this theme, one of the number stepped out of the room, and from a
trap which was at hand let a large rat into the room. None of his
friends appeared to see it, but the young man who was to be the victim
seized a chair and hurled it at the rat, completely using up the piece
of furniture in the operation. Another chair shared the same fate, when
his friends seized him, and with terror depicted on their faces,
demanded to know what was the matter.

"Why, don't you see that cursed big rat?" said he, pointing to the
animal, which, after the manner of rats, was making his way round the
room, close to the walls.

They all saw it, but all replied that they didn't see it--"_there was no
rat_."

"But there _is_!" said he, as another chair went to pieces in an
ineffectual attempt to crush the obnoxious vermin.

At this moment they again seized him, and after a terrific scuffle threw
him down on the floor, and with terror screamed--

"Charley! run for a doctor!"

Charley started for the door, when George desired to be informed "what
the devil was up."

"Up!" said they, "why, you've got the _delirium tremens_!"

Charley opened the door to go out, when George raised himself on his
elbow, and said, "Charley, where are you going?"

"Going!" said Charley, "going for a doctor."

"Going for a doctor!" rejoined George; "for what?"

"For what?" repeated Charley, "why, you've got the _delirium tremens_!"

"The _delirium tremens_--have I?" repeated George. "How do you know I've
got the delirium tremens?"

"Easy enough," says Charley; "you've commenced _seeing rats_."

"Seeing rats!" said George, in a sort of musing way; "seeing rats. Think
you must be mistaken, Charley."

"Mistaken!" said Charley.

"Yes, mistaken," rejoined George. "_I ain't the man--I haven't seen no
rat!_"

The boys let George up after that, and from that day to this he hasn't
touched a glass of liquor, and "_seen no rats_"--not the first rat.




BISHOP BURNET.


BISHOP BURNET, once preaching before Charles II., was much warmed by his
subject, and uttering a religious truth in a very earnest manner, with
great vehemence struck his fist upon the desk, and cried out in a loud
voice, "Who dare deny this?" "Faith," observed the king, in a tone not
quite so loud as the preacher, "nobody that is within the reach of that
great fist of yours."




ANA FROM "MOORE'S LIFE."


MERCER mentioned that, on the death of the Danish ambassador here, (in
Paris,) some commissaire of police, having come to the house for the
purpose of making a _procès verbal_ of his death, it was resisted by the
suite, as an infringement of the ambassador's privilege, to which the
answer of the police was, that _Un ambassadeur dès qu'il est mort,
rentre dans la vie privée._--"An ambassador, when dead, returns to
private life." Lord Bristol and his daughters came in the evening; the
Rancliffes, too. Mr. Rich said, at dinner, that a curé (I forget in what
part of France) asked him once, whether it was true that the English
women wore rings in their noses? to which Mr. R. answered, that "in the
north of England, near China, it was possible they might, but certainly
not about London."

WE talked of Wordsworth's exceedingly high opinion of himself; and she
mentioned, that one day, in a large party, Wordsworth, without anything
having been previously said that could lead to the subject, called out
suddenly, from the top of the table to the bottom, in his most epic
tone, "Davy!" and, on Davy's putting forth his head, in an awful
expectation of what was coming, said, "Do you know the reason why I
published the 'White Doe' in quarto?" "No, what was it?" "To show the
world my own opinion of it."

BUSHE told of an Irish country squire, who used, with hardly any means,
to give entertainments to the militia, &c., in his neighborhood; and
when a friend expostulated with him, on the extravagance of giving
claret to these fellows, when whiskey punch would do just as well, he
answered, "You are very right, my dear friend; but I have the claret on
tick, and where the devil would I get credit for the _lemons_?" Douglas
mentioned the story of some rich grazier, in Ireland, whose son went on
a tour to Italy, with express injunctions from the father, to write to
him whatever was worthy of notice. Accordingly, on his arrival in Italy,
he wrote a letter, beginning as follows: "Dear Father, the Alps is a
very high mountain, and bullocks bear no price." Lady Susan and her
daughters, and the Kingstons, came in the evening, and all supped. A
French writer mentions, as a proof of Shakspeare's attention to
particulars, his allusion to the climate of Scotland, in the words,
"Hail, hail, all hail!"--_Grêle, grêle, toute grêle._

MET Luttrell on the Boulevards, and walked with him. In remarking rather
a pretty woman who passed, he said, "The French women are often in the
suburbs of beauty, but never enter the town." Company at Lord Holland's,
Allen, Henry Fox, the _black_ Fox, (attached to the embassy,) Denon,
and, to my great delight, Lord John Russell, who arrived this morning.
Lord Holland told, before dinner, (_a propos_ of something,) of a man
who professed to have studied "Euclid," all through, and upon some one
saying to him, "Well, solve me that problem," answered, "Oh, I never
looked at the cuts."

AFTER Williams and I had sung one of the "Irish melodies," somebody
said, "Everything that's national, is delightful." "Except the National
Debt, ma'am," says Poole. Took tea at Vilamil's, and danced to the
piano-forte. Wrote thirteen or fourteen lines before I went out. In
talking of the organs in Gall's craniological system, Poole said he
supposed a drunkard had a _barrel_ organ.

DINED at Lattin's: company, Lords Holland, John Russell, Thanet, and
Trimelstown; Messrs. Maine de Biron and Denon, Luttrel and Concannon.
Abundance of noise and Irish stories from Lattin; some of them very
good. A man asked another to come and dine off boiled beef and potatoes,
with him. "That I will," says the other; "and it's rather odd it should
be exactly the same dinner I had at home for myself, _barring the
beef_." Some one, using the old expression about some light wine he was
giving, "There's not a head-ache in a hogshead of it," was answered;
"No, but there's a belly-ache in every glass of it." Denon told an
anecdote of a man, who, having been asked repeatedly to dinner, by a
person whom he knew to be but a shabby Amphitryon, went at last, and
found the dinner so meagre and bad, that he did not get a bit to eat.
When the dishes were removing, the host said, "Well, now the ice is
broken, I suppose you will ask me to dine with you, some day."--"Most
willingly." "Name your day, then."--"_Aujourd'hui par example_,"
answered the dinnerless guest. Luttrel told of a good phrase of an
attorney's, in speaking of a reconciliation that had taken place between
two persons whom he wished to set by the ears, "I am sorry to tell you,
sir, that a compromise has _broken out_ between the parties."




CATCHUP QUESTION.


A PERSON meeting a friend running through the rain, with an umbrella
over him, said, "Where are you running to in such a hurry, _like a mad
mushroom_?"




A REBUKE.


A YANKEE, whose face had been mauled in a pot-house brawl, assured
General Jackson that he had received his scars in battle. "Then," said
Old Hickory, "be careful the next time you run away, and don't look
back."




A GENTLEMAN.


"THERE can be no doubt," said Mrs. Nickleby, "that he is a gentleman,
and has the manners of a gentleman, and the appearance of a gentleman,
although he does wear smalls, and gray worsted stockings. That may be
eccentricity, or he may be proud of his legs. I don't see why he
shouldn't be. The Prince Regent was proud of his legs, and so was Daniel
Lambert, who was also a fat man; _he_ was proud of his legs. So was Miss
Biffin: she was--no, "added Mrs. Nickleby, correcting herself, "I think
she had only toes, but the principle is the same."--_Dickens._




MODESTY.


THERE is a young man in Cincinnati, who is so modest that he will not
"embrace an opportunity." He would make a good mate for the lady who
fainted when she heard of the naked truth.




NATIONAL PARADOXES.


SOMEBODY once remarked, that the Englishman is never happy, but when he
is miserable; the Scotchman is never at home, but when he is abroad; and
the Irishman is never at peace, but when he is fighting.




A DUTCH JURY.


JUDGE JONES, of Indiana, who never allows a chance for a joke to pass
him, occupied the bench when it became necessary to obtain a juryman in
a case in which L----and B---- were employed as counsel. The former was
an illiterate Hibernian, the latter decidedly German in his modes of
expression:

The sheriff immediately proceeded to look around the room in search of a
person to fill the vacant seat, when he espied a Dutch Jew, and claimed
him as his own. The Dutchman objected.

"I can't understant goot Englese."

"What did he say?" asked the judge.

"I can't understant goot Englese," he repeated.

"Take your seat," cried the judge, "take your seat; that's no excuse.
You are not likely to hear any of it!"

Under that decision he took his seat.




A YELLOW FEVER JOKE.


THE _Mobile Advertiser_, of the 19th ult., tells the following good
story of a notorious practical joker of that city, yclept "Straight-back
Dick." Dick was at the wharf, one day last week, when one of the up
river boats arrived. He watched closely the countenance of each
passenger as he stepped from the plank upon the wharf, and at length
fastened his gaze upon an individual, who, from his appearance and
manner, was considerably nearer Mobile than he had ever been before. He
was evidently ill at ease, and had probably heard the reports which were
rife in the country relative to the hundreds dying in Mobile every hour
from yellow fever. The man started off towards Dauphin street, carpet
sack in hand, but had not proceeded far when a heavy hand was laid upon
his shoulder, and he suddenly stopped. Upon turning round, he met the
cold, serious countenance of Dick, and it seemed to send a thrill of
terror throughout his whole frame. After looking at him steadily for
about a minute, Dick slowly ejaculated:

"Yes, you are the man. Stand straight!"

With fear visible in his countenance, the poor fellow essayed to do as
commanded.

"Straighter yet!" said Dick. "There, that will do," and taking from his
pocket a small tape measure, he stooped down and measured him from the
sole of his boot to the crown of his hat, took a pencil and carefully
noted the height in his pocket book, to the utter amazement of the
stranger; after which he measured him across the shoulders, and again
noted the dimensions. He then looked the stranger firmly in the face and
said:

"Sir, I am very sorry that it is so, but I really will not be able to
finish it for you before morning."

"Finish what?" asked the stranger, endeavoring in vain to appear calm.

"Why, your coffin, to be sure! You see, I am the city undertaker, and
the people are dying here so fast, that I can hardly supply the demand
for coffins. You will have to wait until your turn comes, which will be
to-morrow morning--say about 9 o'clock."

"But what do I want with a coffin? I have no idea of dying!"

"You haven't, eh? Sir, you will not live two hours and a half. I see it
in your countenance. Why, even now, you have a pain--a slight pain--in
your back."

"Y-yes, I believe I h-have," replied the trembling hoosier.

"Exactly," said Dick, "and in your limbs too?"

"Yes, stranger, you're right, and I begin to feel it in the back of my
neck and head."

"Of course you do, and unless you do something for it, you'll be dead in
a short time, I assure you. Take my advice now, go back aboard the boat,
swallow down a gill of brandy, get into your state-room, and cover up
with blankets. Stay there till you perspire freely, then leave here like
lightning!"

Hoosier hurried on board the boat, and followed Dick's instructions to
the letter. He says he never will forget the kindness of the tall man in
Mobile, who gave him such good advice.




LET OFF.


"BOY! did you let off that gun?" exclaimed an enraged schoolmaster.

"Yes, master."

"Well, what do you think I'll do to you?"

"Why, let me off!"




COMPLIMENTARY.


A GENTLEMAN expatiating upon the good looks of women, declared that he
had never yet seen an ugly woman. One who was extremely flat nosed,
said,

"Sir, I defy you not to find me ugly."

"You, madam," he replied, "are an angel fallen from heaven, only you
have fallen on your nose."




KEEN RETORT.


A PRIEST said to a peasant whom he thought rude, "You are better fed
than taught." "Shud think I was," replied the clodhopper, "as I feeds
myself and you teaches me."




THE AUCTIONEER AT HOME.


AN auctioneer, vexed with his audience, said: "I am a mean fellow--mean
as dirt--and I feel at home in this company."




SACKS AND BAGS.


MR. LOVER tells a good anecdote of an Irishman giving the pass-word at
the battle of Fontenoy, at the same time the great Saxe was marshal.

"The pass-word is Saxe; now don't forget it, Pat," said the Colonel.

"Saxe! faith an' I won't. Wasn't me father a miller?"

"Who goes there?" cries the sentinel, after he had arrived at the pass.

Pat looked as confidential as possible, and whispered in a sort of howl,

"Bags, yer honor."




ITERATION.


A SERVANT girl, on leaving her place, was accosted by her master as to
her reason for leaving.

"Mistress is so quick-tempered that I cannot live with her," said the
girl.

"Well," said the gentleman, "you know it is no sooner begun than it's
over."

"Yes, Sir, and no sooner over than begun again."




QUID PRO QUO.


IN a case tried at the King's Bench, a witness was produced who had a
very red nose; and one of the counsel, an impudent fellow, being
desirous to put him out of countenance, called out to him, after he was
sworn,

"Well, let's hear what you have to say, with your copper nose."

"Why, Sir," said he, "by the oath I have taken, I would not exchange my
copper nose for your brazen face."




HARD SQUEEZING.


A GENTLEMAN from New York, who had been in Boston for the purpose of
collecting some money due him in that city, was about returning, when he
found that one bill of a hundred dollars had been overlooked. His
landlord, who knew the debtor, thought it a doubtful case; but added
that if it _was_ collectable at all, a tall, rawboned Yankee, then
dunning a lodger in another part of the hall, would "worry it out" of
the man. Calling him up, therefore, he introduced him to the creditor,
who showed him the account.

"Wall, Squire," said he, "'taint much use o' tryin', I guess. I _know_
that critter. You might as well try to squeeze ile out of Bunker Hill
Monument as to c'lect a debt out of him. But _any_ how, Squire, what'll
you give, sposin' I _do_ try?"

"Well, Sir, the bill is one hundred dollars, I'll give you--yes, I'll
give you half, if you'll collect it."

"'Greed," replied the collector, "there's no harm in _tryin'_, any
way."

Some weeks after, the creditor chanced to be in Boston, and in walking
up Tremont street, encountered his enterprising friend.

"Look o' here," said he, "Squire. I had considerable luck with that bill
o' yourn. You see, I stuck to him like a log to a root, but for the
first week or so 'twant no use--not a bit. If he was home, he was short;
if he _wasn't_ home I could get no satisfaction. 'By the by,' says I,
after goin' sixteen times, 'I'll fix you!' says I. So I sat down on the
door-step, and sat all day and part of the evening, and I began airly
_next_ day; but about ten o'clock he 'gin in.' _He paid me_ MY _half,
and I gin him up the note!_"




PAT'S RESPONSE.


AN Irishman was about to marry a Southern girl for her property. "Will
you take this woman to be your wedded wife?" said the minister. "Yes,
your riverence, and the _niggers_ too," said Pat.




WANTED SATISFACTION.


"WELL, Pat, Jimmy didn't quite kill you with a brickbat, did he?" "No,
but I wish he had." "What for?" "So I could have seen him hung, the
villain!"




MEAN _vs._ MEANS.


"IS Mr. Brown a man of means?" asked a gentleman of old Mrs. Fizzleton,
referring to one of her neighbors. "Well I reckon he ought to be,"
drawled out the old bel-dame, "for he is just the meanest man in town."




WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR HOUSE.


ARTER we wus married, we'll say about a year, wun mornin' thar wus a
terrible commoshun in our house--old wimmin a runnin in an out, and
finally the Doctor he cum. I was in a great hurry myself, wantin to
heer, I hardly noed what, but after a while, an ole granny of a woman,
as had been very busy about that, poked her head into the room whar I
was a walkin' about and ses:

Ses she, "Mr. Sporum, hit's a gal."

"What," ses I.

"A gal," ses she, an with that she pops her head back agin.

Well, thinks I, I'm the daddy uv a gal, and begin to feel my keepin'
mitely--I'd rather it was a boy tho', thinks I, fur then he'd feel
neerur to me, as how he'd bare my name and there be less chance fur the
Sporums to run out, but considerin' everything, a gal will do mi'ty
well. Jist then the ole nuss pokes her head out agin and ses,

Ses she, "Anuther wun, Mr. Sporum; a fine boy."

"Anuther," ses I, "that's rather crowdin' things on to a feller."

She laffed and poked her he'd back. Well, thinks I, this is no joke
sure, at this lick I'll have family enuff to do me in a few years.

Jis then the ole she devil (always shall hate her) pokes her he'd in,
and ses,

Ses she, "Anuther gal, Mr. Sporum."

"Anuther whot," ses I.

"Anuther gal," ses she.

"Well," ses I, "go rite strate and tell Sal I won't stand it, I don't
want 'em, and I ain't goin' to have 'em; dus she think I'm a Turk? or a
Mormon? or Brigham Young? that she go fur to have tribbles?--three at a
pop! Dus she think I'm wurth a hundred thousand dollars? that I'm Jo'n
Jacob Aster, or Mr. Roschile? that I kin afford thribbles, an clothe an
feed an school three children at a time? I ain't a goin' to stand it no
how, I didn't want 'em, I don't want 'em, and ain't a going to want 'em
now, nur no uther time. Hain't I bin a good and dootiful husband to Sal?
Hain't I kep' in doors uv a nite, an quit chawn tobacker and smokin'
segars just to please her? Hain't I attended devine worship reg'lar?
Hain't I bought her all the bonnets an frocks she wanted? an then for
her to go an have thribbs. She noed better an hadn't orter dun it. I
didn't think Sal wud serve me such a trick now. Have I ever stole a
horse? Have I ever done enny mean trick, that she should serve me in
this way?" An with that I laid down on the settee, an felt orful bad, an
the more I tho't about it, the wus I felt.

Presently Sal's mammy, ole Miss Jones, cums in an ses,

Ses she, "Peter, cum in and see what purty chillun you've got."

"Chillun!" says I, "you'd better say a 'hole litter. Now Miss Jones, I
luv Sal you no, an have tried to make a good husban', but I call this a
scaly trick, an ef thar's any law in this country I'm goin' to see ef a
woman kin have thribbs, an make a man take keer uv 'em. I ain't goin' to
begin to do it," ses I.

With that she laffed fit to kill herself, an made all sorts of fun of
me, an sed enny uther man would be proud to be in my shoes. I told her
I'd sell out mi'ty cheap ef enny body wanted to take my place. Well, the
upshot uv it wus that she pursuaded me that I wus 'rong, an got me to
go into the room whar they all wus.

When I got in, Sal looked so lovin' at me, an reached out her little
hands so much like a poor, dear little helpless child, that I forgot
everything but my luv for her, and folded her gently up tu my h'art like
a precious treasure, and felt like I didn't keer ef she had too and
forty uv em. Jist then number wun set up a whine like a young pup, an
all the ballance follered. _Them thribbles noed their daddy._

Well, everything wus made up, an Sal promised she wud never do it agin;
an sense then I have bin at work sertin, workin all day to make bred for
them thribs, an bissy nus'n uv 'em at nite. The fact is, ef I didn't
have a mi'ty good constitushun, I'd had to giv' in long ago. Number wun
has the collick an wakes up number too an he wakes up number three, an
so it goes, an me a flying about all the time a tryin' to keep 'em
quiet.




GENEROUS CHILD.


_Mother_--Here, Tommy, is some nice castor oil, with orange ice in it.

_Doctor_--Now, remember, don't give it all to Tommy, leave some for me.

_Tommy_--(who has "been there")--Doctor's a nice man, ma, give it all to
the Doctor!




ALL THE RECIPROCATING ON ONE SIDE.


"CAN you return my love, dearest Julia?" "Certainly, Sir, I don't want
it I'm sure."




HOW HE MEANT TO DO BETTER.


A FEW days since, as a lady of rather inquisitive character was visiting
our county seat, among other places she called at the Jail. She would
ask the different prisoners for what crime they were in there. It went
off well enough, till she came to a rather hard looking specimen of
humanity, whom she asked:

"What are you in here for?"

"For stealing a horse."

"Are you not sorry for it?"

"Yes."

"Won't you try and do better next time?"

"_Yes! I'll steal two._"




DUTCH SOLILOQUY.


A DUTCHMAN'S heart-rending soliloquy is described thus: "She lofes Shon
Mickle so much better as I, pecause he's cot koople tollers more as I
has!"




JUST ALIKE.


A STUTTERING man at a public table, had occasion to use a pepper box.
After shaking it with all due vengeance, and turning it in various ways,
he found that the pepper was in no wise inclined to come forth.

"T-th-this-p-pep-per box," he exclaimed, with a sagacious grin, "is
so-something like myself."

"Why?" asked a neighbor.

"P-poor-poor delivery," he replied.




STORY OF A WIG.


LORD ELLENBOROUGH was once about to go on the circuit, when Lady E. said
that she should like to accompany him. He replied that he had no
objections, provided she did not encumber the carriage with bandboxes,
which were his utter abhorrence. They set off. During the first day's
journey, Lord Ellenborough, happening to stretch his legs, struck his
feet against something below the seat. He discovered that it was a
bandbox. His indignation is not to be described. Up went the window, and
out went the bandbox. The coachman stopped; and the footman, thinking
that the bandbox had tumbled out of the window by some extraordinary
chance, was going to pick it up, when Lord Ellenborough furiously called
out, "Drive on!" The bandbox accordingly was left by a ditch side.
Having reached the county-town, where he was to officiate as judge, Lord
Ellenborough proceeded to array himself for his appearance in the
court-house. "Now," said he, "where's my wig,--where _is_ my wig?" "My
Lord," replied his attendant, "it was thrown out of the carriage
window."




A SINGULAR FORGIVENESS.


SIR Walter Scott, in his article in the _Quarterly Review_, on the
Culloden papers, mentions a characteristic instance of an old Highland
warrior's mode of pardon. "You must forgive even your bitterest enemy,
Kenmuir, now," said the confessor to him, as he lay gasping on his
death-bed. "Well, if I must, I must," replied the Chieftain, "but my
curse be on you, Donald," turning towards his son, "if you forgive
him."




CABBAGE AND DITTO.


WE have just now heard a cabbage story which we will cook up for our
laughter loving readers:

"Oh! I love you like anything," said a young countryman to his
sweetheart, warmly pressing her hand.

"Ditto," said she gently returning his pressure.

The ardent lover, not happening to be over and above learned, was sorely
puzzled to understand the meaning of ditto--but was ashamed to expose
his ignorance by asking the girl. He went home, and the next day being
at work in a cabbage patch with his father, he spoke out:

"Daddy, what's the meaning of ditto?"

"Why," said the old man, "this here is one cabbage head, ain't it?"

"Yes, daddy."

"Well, that ere's ditto."

"Rot that good-for-nothing gal!" ejaculated the indignant son; "she
called me a cabbage head, and I'll be darned if ever I go to see her
again."




FLAG AT HALF-MAST.


AN old sailor, at the theatre, said he supposed that dancing girls wore
their dresses at half-mast as a mark of respect to departed modesty.




LONGFELLOW.


SOME one having lavishly lauded Longfellow's aphorism, "Suffer, and be
strong," a matter-of-fact man observed that it was merely a variation of
the old English adage, "Grin, and bear it."




A SORREL SHEEP.


SOME years ago, a bill was up before the Alabama Legislature for
establishing a Botanical College at Wetumpka. Several able speakers had
made long addresses in support of the bill when one Mr. Morrisett, from
Monroe, took the floor. With much gravity he addressed the House as
follows: "Mr. Speaker, I cannot support this bill unless assured that a
distinguished friend of mine is made one of the professors. He is what
the bill wishes to make for us, a regular root doctor, and will suit the
place exactly. He became a doctor in two hours, and it only cost him
twenty dollars to complete his education. He bought a book, Sir, and
read the chapter on fevers, that was enough. He was called to see a sick
woman indeed, and he felt her wrist, looked into her mouth, and then,
turning to her husband, asked solemnly, if he had a 'sorrel sheep?'
'Why, no, I never heard of such a thing.' Said the doctor, nodding his
head knowingly, 'Have you got a sorrel horse then?' 'Yes,' said the man,
'I drove him to the mill this morning.' 'Well,' said the doctor, 'he
must be killed immediately, and some soup made of him for your wife.'
The woman turned her head away, and the astonished man inquired if
something else would not do for the soup, the horse was worth a hundred
dollars, and was all the one he had. 'No,' said the doctor, 'the book
says so, and if you don't believe it I will read it to you: Good for
fevers--sheep sorrel or horse sorrel. There, Sir.' 'Why, doctor,' said
the man and his wife, 'it don't mean a sorrel sheep or horse, but--'
'Well, I know what I am about,' interrupted the doctor; 'that's the way
we doctors read it, and we understand it.' "Now," continued the
speaker, amidst the roars of the house, "unless my sorrel doctor can be
one of the professors, I must vote against this bill." The blow most
effectually killed the bill, it is needless to state.




EDITORIALS.


A NOTED chap once stepped in the sanctum of a venerable and highly
respected editor, and indulged in a tirade against a citizen with whom
he was on bad terms. "I wish," said he, addressing the man with the pen,
"that you would write a severe article against R----, and put it in your
paper." "Very well," was the reply. After some more conversation the
visitor went away. The next morning he came rushing into the office, in
a violent state of excitement. "What did you put in your paper? I have
had my nose pulled and been kicked twice." "I wrote a severe article, as
you desired," calmly returned the editor, "and signed your name to
it."--_Harrisburgh Telegraph._




COMPENSATION.


A MISERLY old farmer, who had lost one of his best hands in the midst of
hay-making, remarked to the sexton, as he was filling up the grave:
"It's a sad thing to lose a good mower, at a time like this--but after
all, poor Tom was a great eater."




JUST RIGHT.


"IS that clock right over there?" asked a visitor. "Right over there?
Certainly; 'tain't nowhere else."




FUNNY MISTAKE.


LORD SEAFORTH, who was born deaf and dumb, was to dine, one day, with
Lord Melville. Just before the time of the company's arrival, Lady
Melville sent into the drawing-room, a lady of her acquaintance, who
could talk with her fingers to dumb people, that she might receive Lord
Seaforth. Presently, Lord Guilford entered the room, and the lady,
taking him for Lord Seaforth, began to ply her fingers very nimbly: Lord
Guilford did the same; and they had been carrying on a conversation in
this manner for about ten minutes, when Lady Melville joined them. Her
female friend immediately said, "Well, I have been talking away to this
dumb man." "Dumb!" cried Lord Guilford; "bless me, I thought _you_ were
dumb."--I told this story (which is perfectly true) to Matthews; and he
said that he could make excellent use of it, at one of his evening
entertainments; but I know not if he ever did.--_Rogers' Table-talk._




FILIAL AFFECTION.


"IF ever I wanted anything of my father," said Sam, "I always asked for
it in a very 'spectful and obliging manner. If he didn't give it to me,
I took it, for fear I should be led to do anything wrong, through not
having it. I saved him a world o' trouble this way, Sir."--_Dickens._




DEFINITE INFORMATION.


"WELL, Robert, how much did your pig weigh?" "It did not weigh as much
as I _expected_, and I always thought it _wouldn't_."--_Detroit
Spectator._




FRENCHMEN'S ENGLISH.


Copied, three years ago, from a card in the _Hôtel du Rhin_, at
Boulogne.

"SPECIAL omnibus, on the arrived and on the départure, of every convoy
of the railway. Restoration on the card, and dinners at all hour.

Table d'hôte at ten half-past, one, and five o'clock.

Bathing place horses and walking carriage.

Interpreter attached to the hôtel. Great and little apartments with
saloon for family.

This établissement entirely new, is admirably situed, on the centre of
the town at proximity of the theatre and coach office, close by the post
horses offer to the travellers all the comfortable désirable and is
proprietor posse by is diligence and is good tenuous justifyed the
confidence wich the travellers pleased to honoured him."

(The orthography and pointing of the stops, are precisely as printed in
the card.)




ADMIRAL DUNCAN.


ADMIRAL DUNCAN'S address to the officers, who came on board his ship for
instructions previous to the engagement with Admiral de Winter, was both
laconic and humorous, "Gentlemen, you see a severe _winter_ approaching;
I have only to advise you to keep up a good fire."




TOM DIBDIN'S TOAST.


POOR Tom Dibdin, a convivial, but always a sober man, gives a delicate
allusion to the drinking propensity, in the following toast:--"May the
man who has a good wife, never be addicted to liquor (_lick
her_.)"--_Bentley's Miscellany._




KICKING A YANKEE.


A VERY handsome friend of ours, who a few weeks ago was poked out of a
comfortable office up the river, has taken himself to Bangor for a time
to recover from the wound inflicted upon his feelings by our
"unprincipled and immolating administration."

Change of air must have had an instant effect upon his spirits, for,
from Galena, he writes us an amusing letter, which, among other things,
tells of a desperate quarrel that took place on board of a boat, between
a real live tourist and a real live Yankee settler. The latter trod on
the toes of the former, whereupon the former threatened to "kick out of
the cabin" the latter.

"You'll kick me out of this cabing?"

"Yes, Sir, I'll kick you out of this cabin!"

"You'll kick _me_, Mr. Hitchcock, out of this cabing?"

"Yes, Sir, I'll kick _you_, Mr. Hitchcock!"

"Well, I guess," said the Yankee, very coolly, after being perfectly
satisfied that it was himself that stood in such imminent danger of
assault, "I guess, since you talk of kicking, you've never heard me tell
about old Bradly and my mare to hum?"

"No, Sir, nor do I wish--"

"Wall, guess it won't set you back much, any how, as kicking's generally
best to be considered on. You see old Bradly is one of those
sanctimonious, long-faced hypocrites who put on a religious suit every
Sabbath day morning, and with a good deal of screwing, manage to keep it
on till after sermon in the afternoon; and as I was a Universalist, he
allers picked me out as a subject for religious conversation--and the
darned hypocrite would talk about heaven, and hell, and the devil--the
crucifixion and prayer without ever winking. Wall, he had an old roan
mare that would jump over any fourteen rail fence in Illinois, and open
any door in any barn that hadn't a padlock on it. Tu or three times I
found her in my stable, and I told Bradly about it, and he was 'very
sorry--an unruly animal--would watch'--and a hull lot of such things;
all said in a serious manner, with a face twice as long as old deacon
Farrar's on sacrament day.

"I knew, all the time, he was lying, and so I watched him and his old
roan tu; and for three nights regular, old roan came to my stable about
bed-time, and just at day-light Bradly would come, bridle her, and ride
off. I then just took my old mare down to a blacksmith's shop and had
some shoes made with corks about four inches long, and had 'em nailed on
her hind feet. Your heels, mister, ain't nuthin to 'em. I took her
hum--gave her about ten feet halter, tied her right in the centre of the
stable, fed her well with oats at nine o'clock, and after taking a good
smoke, went to bed, knowing that my old mare was a truth-telling animal,
and that she'd give a good report of herself in the morning.

"I hadn't got fairly asleep before the old woman hunched me, and wanted
to know what on airth was the matter out in the stable. So says I, 'Go
to sleep, Peggy, it's nothing but Kate--she's kicking off flies, I
guess.' Putty soon she hunched me again, and says, 'Mr. Hitchcock, du
get up, and see what in the world is the matter with Kate, for she is
kicking most powerfully.'

"'Lay still, Peggy, Kate will take care of herself, I guess.'

"Well the next morning, about daylight, Bradly, with bridle in hand, cum
to the stable, and true as the book of Genesis, when he saw the old
roan's sides, starn, and head, he cursed and swore worse than you did,
mister, when I came down on your toes. After breakfast that morning, Joe
Davis cum down to my house, and says he--

"'Bradly's old roan is nearly dead--she's cut all to pieces, and can
scarcely move.'

"'I want to know,' says I; 'how on airth did it happen?'

"Now Joe was a member of the same church with Bradly, and whilst we were
talking, up cum the everlastin hypocrite, and says he,

"'My old mare is ruined!'

"'Du tell!' says I.

"'She is all cut to pieces,' says he; 'do you know whether she was in
your stable, Mr. Hitchcock, last night?'

"Wall, mister, with this I let out: 'Do I _know_ it?'--(the Yankee here,
in illustration, made way for him, unconsciously, as it were.) 'Do I
know it, you no-souled, shad-bellied, squash-headed old night owl,
you!--you hay-lookin, corn-cribbin, fodder-fudgin, cent-shavin,
whitlin-of-nothin, you? Kate kicks like a dumb beast, but I have reduced
the thing to a science!'"

The Yankee had not ceased to advance, nor the dandy, in his
astonishment, to retreat; and now the motion of the latter being
accelerated by the apparent demonstration on the part of the former to
suit the action to the word, he found himself in the "social hall,"
tumbling backwards over a pile of baggage, tearing the knees of his
pants as he scrambled up, and a perfect scream of laughter stunning him
on all sides. The defeat was total. A few moments afterward he was seen
dragging his own trunk ashore, while Mr. Hitchcock finished his story on
the boiler deck.--_St. Louis Reveille._




DANCING THEIR RAGS OFF.


TWO unsophisticated country lasses visited Niblo's in New York during
the ballet season. When the short-skirted, gossamer clad nymphs made
their appearance on the stage they became restless and fidgety.

"Oh, Annie!" exclaimed one _sotto voce_.

"Well, Mary?"

"It ain't nice--I don't like it."

"Hush."

"I don't care, it ain't nice, and I wonder aunt brought us to such a
place."

"Hush, Mary, the folks will laugh at you."

After one or two flings and a pirouette, the blushing Mary said:

"Oh, Annie, let's go--it ain't nice, and I don't feel comfortable."

"Do hush, Mary," replied the sister, whose own face was scarlet, though
it wore an air of determination: "it's the first time I ever was at a
theatre, and I suppose it will be the last, _so I am just going to stay
it out, if they dance every rag off their backs_!"




DISINTERESTED ADVICE.


"HUSBAND, I have the asthma so bad that I can't breathe." "Well, my
dear, I wouldn't try; nobody wants you to."




AN EDITOR DREAMING ON WEDDING CAKE.


A BACHELOR editor out West, who had received from the fair hand of a
bride, a piece of elegant wedding-cake to dream on, thus gives the
result of his experience.

"We put it under the head of our pillow, shut our eyes sweetly as an
infant blessed with an easy conscience, and snored prodigiously. The God
of dreams gently touched us, and lo! in fancy we were married! Never was
a little editor so happy. It was 'my love,' 'dearest,' 'sweetest,'
ringing in our ears every moment. Oh! that the dream had broken off
here. But no! some evil genius put it into the head of our ducky to have
pudding for dinner just to please her lord.

"In a hungry dream, we sat down to dinner. Well, the pudding moment
arrived, and a huge slice almost obscured from sight the plate before
us.

"'My dear,' said we fondly, 'did you make this?'

"'Yes, my love, ain't it nice?'

"'Glorious--the best bread pudding I ever tasted in my life.'

"'Plum pudding, ducky,' suggested my wife.

"'O, no, dearest, bread pudding. I was always fond of 'em.'

"'Call them bread pudding!' exclaimed my wife, while her lips slightly
curled with contempt.

"'Certainly, my dear--reckon I've had enough at the Sherwood House, to
know bread pudding, my love, by all means.'

"'Husband--this is really too bad--plum pudding is twice as hard to make
as bread pudding, and is more expensive, and is a great deal better. I
say this is plum pudding, sir!' and my pretty wife's brow flushed with
excitement.

"'My love, my sweet, my dear love,' exclaimed we soothingly, 'do not get
angry. I am sure it is very good, if it is bread pudding.'

"'You mean, low wretch,' fiercely replied my wife, in a higher tone,
'you know it's plum pudding.'

"'Then, ma'am, it's so meanly put together and so badly burned, that the
devil himself wouldn't know it. I tell you, madam, most distinctly and
emphatically, that it is bread pudding and the meanest kind at that.'

"'It is plum pudding,' shrieked my wife, as she hurled a glass of claret
in my face, the glass itself tapping the claret from my nose.

"'Bread pudding!' gasped we, pluck to the last, and grasped a roasted
chicken by the left leg.

"'Plum pudding!' rose above the din, as I had a distinct perception of
feeling two plates smashed across my head.

"'Bread pudding!' we groaned in a rage, as the chicken left our hand and
flying with swift wing across the table landed in madam's bosom.

"'Plum pudding!' resounded the war-cry from the enemy, as the gravy-dish
took us where we had been depositing a part of our dinner, and a plate
of beets landed upon our white vest.

"'Bread pudding forever!' shouted we in defiance, dodging the soup
tureen, and falling beneath its contents.

"'Plum pudding!' yelled the amiable spouse; noticing our misfortune, she
determined to keep us down by piling upon our head the dishes with no
gentle hand. Then in rapid succession, followed the war-cries. 'Plum
pudding!' she shrieked with every dish.

"'Bread pudding,' in smothered tones, came up from the pile in reply.
Then it was 'plum pudding,' in rapid succession, the last cry growing
feebler, till just as I can distinctly recollect, it had grown to a
whisper. 'Plum pudding' resounded like thunder, followed by a tremendous
crash as my wife leaped upon the pile with her delicate feet, and
commenced jumping up and down, when, thank heaven! we awoke, and thus
saved our life. We shall never dream on wedding cake again--that's the
moral."




PAT QUERY.


A GENTLEMAN was threatening to beat a dog who barked intolerably. "Why,"
exclaimed an Irishman, "would you beat the poor dumb animal for spakin'
out?"




FRIENDLY VISITS.


A GENTLEMAN was speaking the other day of the kindness of his friends in
visiting him. One old aunt in particular visited him twice a year, and
stayed six months each time.




REMOTE.


"I'D have you to know, Mrs. Stoker, that my uncle was a banister of the
law."

"A fig for your banister," retorted Mrs. Grumly, turning up her nose,
"haven't I a cousin as is a corridor in the navy?"




A CAT STORY.


A PHILOSOPHICAL old gentleman was one day passing a new school-house,
erected somewhere towards the setting sun borders of our glorious Union,
when his attention was suddenly attracted to a crowd of persons gathered
around the door. He inquired of a boy, whom he met, what was going on.

"Well, nothin', 'cept the skule committy, and they're goin' in."

"A committee meets to-day! What for?"

"Well," continued the boy, "you see Bill, that's our biggest boy, got
mad at the teacher, and so he went all round and gathered dead cats.
Nothin' but cats, and cats, and cats. Oh! it was orful, them cats!"

"Pshaw! what have the cats to do with the school committee?"

"Now, well, you see Bill kept a bringing cats and cats; allers a pilin'
them up yonder," pointing to a huge pile as large in extent as a
pyramid, and considerably aromatic, "and he piled them. Nothing but
cats, cats!"

"Never mind, my son, what Bill did; what has the committee met for?"

"Then Bill got sick haulin' them, and everybody got sick a nosin' them,
but Bill got madder, and didn't give it up, but kept a pilin' up the
cats and--"

"Can you tell what the committee are holding a meeting for?"

"Why, the skule committy are goin' to hold a meetin' up here to say
whether they'll move the skule house or the cats."

The old gentleman evaporated immediately.




CONUNDRUMS.


IF a husband were to see his wife drowning, what single letter of the
alphabet would he name?--_Answer._ Let-her B.

WHAT is most like a hen stealing?--_Ans._ A cock _robbing_ (robin).

WHAT wind would a hungry sailor wish for, at sea?--_Ans._--A wind that
blows _fowl_ and then _chops_.

WHEN is a lane dangerous to walk in?--_Ans._ When the hedges are
_shooting_, and the _bull-rushes_ out.

IN what color should a secret be kept?--_Ans._ In violet (inviolate).

WHAT proof is there that Robinson Crusoe found his island
inhabited?--_Ans._ Because he saw a great swell pitching into a little
cove.

WHAT was Joan of Arc made of?--_Ans._ _Maid_ of Orleans.

WHY is the county of Bucks, like a drover's stick?--_Ans._ Because it
runs into _Oxon_ (oxen) and Herts (_hurts_).

WHO is the greatest dandy you meet at sea?--_Ans._ The great _swell_ of
the ocean.

WHY may it be presumed that Moses wore a wig?--_Ans._ Because he was
sometimes seen with Aaron (hair on), and sometimes without.




LOVE.


A LITTLE sighing, a little crying, a little dying, and a deal of
lying.--_Jonathan._




THE THIEF AND THE DUKE.


THE great Duke of Marlborough, passing the gate of the Tower, after
having inspected that fortress, was accosted by an ill-looking fellow,
with, "How do you do, my Lord Duke? I believe your Grace and I have now
been in every jail in the kingdom?" "I believe, my friend," replied the
Duke, with surprise, "this is the only jail I ever visited." "Very
like," replied the other, "but I have been in all the rest."




LOSS OF TIME.


A DEVOTEE lamented to her confessor, her love of gaming. "Ah, madam,"
replied the priest, "it is a grievous sin:--in the first place, consider
the loss of time." "Yes," replied the fair penitent, "I have often
begrudged the time lost in _shuffling_ and _dealing_."




UNEXPECTED REPLY.


A PREACHER, in Arabia, having for his text, a portion of the Koran, "I
have called Noah," after twice repeating his text, made a long pause;
when an Arab present, thinking that he was waiting for an answer,
exclaimed, "If Noah will not come, call somebody else."




GENEROUS.


"I WILL save you a thousand pounds," said a young buck to an old
gentleman. "How?" "You have a daughter, and you intend to give her ten
thousand pounds as her portion." "I do." "Sir, I will take her with nine
thousand."




FRIENDLY BANTER.


FRIEND GRACE, it seems, had a very good horse and a very poor one. When
seen riding the latter, he was asked the reason (it turned out that his
better half had taken the good one). "What!" said the bantering
bachelor, "how comes it you let your mistress ride the better horse?"
The only reply was--"Friend, when thee beest married theel't know."




TAKING A RECEIPT.


THE Hartford Times vouches for the truth of the following story:

"Pat Malone, you are fined five dollars for assault and battery on Mike
Sweeney."

"I have the money in me pocket, and I'll pay the fine, if your honor
will give me the resate."

"We give no receipts here. We just take the money. You will not be
called upon a second time for your fine."

"But your honor, I'll not be wanting to pay the same till after I get
the resate."

"What do you want to do with it?"

"If your honor will write one and give it to me, I'll tell you."

"Well, there's your receipt. Now what do you want to do with it?"

"I'll tell your honor. You see, one of those days I'll be after dying,
and when I go to the gate of heaven I'll rap, and St. Peter will say,
'Who's there?' and I'll say, 'It's me, Pat Malone,' and he'll say, 'What
do you want?' and I'll say, 'I want to come in,' and he'll say, 'Did you
behave like a dacent boy in the other world, and pay all the fines and
such things?' and I'll say, 'Yes, your holiness,' and then he'll want to
see the resate, and I'll put my hand in my pocket and take out my resate
and give it to him, and I'll not have to go ploddin' all over hell to
find your honor to get one."




KIND FATHER.


AN old gentleman says, he is the last man in the world to tyrannize over
a daughter's affections. So long as she marries the man of _his_ choice,
he don't care who she loves.




DESTROYING THE ROMANCE.


A CAPITAL story is told of a young fellow who one Sunday strolled into a
village church, and during the service was electrified and gratified by
the sparkling of a pair of eyes which were riveted upon his face. After
the service he saw the possessor of the shining orbs leave the church
alone, and emboldened by her glances, he ventured to follow her, his
heart aching with rapture. He saw her look behind, and fancied she
evinced some emotion at recognizing him. He then quickened his pace, and
she actually slackened hers, as if to let him come up with her--but we
will permit the young gentleman to tell the rest in his own way:

"Noble young creature!" thought I, "her artless and warm heart is
superior to the bonds of custom.

"I had reached within a stone's throw of her. She suddenly halted, and
turned her face toward me. My heart swelled to bursting. I reached the
spot where she stood, she began to speak, and I took off my hat as if
doing reverence to an angel.

"'Are you a peddler?'

"'No, my dear girl, that is not my occupation.'

"'Well, I don't know,' continued she, not very bashfully, and eyeing me
very sternly, 'I thought when I saw you in the meetin' house that you
looked like a peddler who passed off a pewter half dollar on me three
weeks ago, an' so I just determined to keep an eye on you. Brother John
has got home now, and says if he catches the fellow he'll wring his neck
for him; and I ain't sure but you're the good-for-nothing rascal after
all!'"




DOING A YANKEE.


SIR ALLEN MCNAB was once traveling by steamer, and as luck would have
it, was obliged to occupy a state-room with a full blooded Yankee. In
the morning, while Sir Allen was dressing, he beheld his companion
making thorough researches into his (Sir Allen's) dressing case. Having
completed his examination, he proceeded coolly to select the
tooth-brush, and therewith to bestow on his long yellow teeth an
energetic scrubbing. Sir Allen said not a word. When Jonathan had
concluded, the old Scotchman gravely set the basin on the floor, soaped
one foot well, and taking the tooth-brush, applied it vigorously to his
toes and toe-nails.

"You dirty fellow," exclaimed the astonished Yankee, "what the mischief
are you doing that for?"

"Oh," said Sir Allen coolly, "that's the brush I always do it with."




DROVERS _vs._ FOPS.


DINNER was spread in the cabin of that peerless steamer, the New World,
and a splendid company were assembled about the table. Among the
passengers thus prepared for gastronomic duty, was a little creature of
the genus Fop, decked daintily as an early butterfly, with kids of
irreproachable whiteness, "miraculous" neck-tie, and spider-like
quizzing glass on his nose. The little delicate animal turned his head
aside with,

"Waitah!"

"Sah!"

"Bwing me a pwopellah of a fwemale woostah!"

"Yes, Sah!"

"And, waitah, tell the steward to wub my plate with a vegetable,
wulgarly called onion, which will give a delicious flavow to my dinnah."

While the refined exquisite was giving his order, a jolly western drover
had listened with opened mouth and protruding eyes. When the diminutive
creature paused, he brought his fist down upon the table with a force
that made every dish bounce, and then thundered out:

"Here you darned ace-of-spades!"

"Yes, Sah!"

"Bring me a thunderin' big plate of skunk's gizzards!"

"Sah!"

"And, old ink pot, tuck a horse blanket under my chin, and rub me down
with brickbats while I feed!"

The poor dandy showed a pair of straight coat-tails instanter, and the
whole table joined in a "tremenjous" roar.




STORY OF AN ALMANAC MAKER.


DAVID DITSON was and is the great Almanac man, calculating the signs and
wonders in the heavens, and furnishing the astronomical matter with
which those very useful annuals abound. In former years it was his
custom, in all his almanacs, to utter sage predictions as to the
weather, at given periods in the course of the revolving year. Thus he
would say, 'About--this--time--look--out--for--a--change--of--weather;
and by stretching such a prophecy half-way down the page, he would make
very sure that in some one of the days included, the event foretold
would come to pass. He got cured of this spirit of prophecy, in a very
remarkable manner. One summer day, clear and calm as a day could be, he
was riding on horseback; it was before railroads were in vogue, and
being on a journey some distance from home, and wishing to know how far
it was to the town he was going to visit, he stopped at the roadside and
inquired of a farmer at work in the field. The farmer told him it was
six miles; "but," he added, "you must ride sharp, or you will get a wet
jacket before you reach it."

"A wet jacket!" said the astronomer; "you don't think it is going to
rain, do you?"

"No, I don't _think_ so, I know so," replied the farmer; "and the longer
you sit there, the more likely you are to get wet."

David thought the farmer a fool, and rode on, admiring the blue sky
uncheckered by a single cloud. He had not proceeded more than half the
distance to the town before the heavens were overcast, and one of those
sudden showers not unusual in this latitude came down upon him. There
was no place for shelter, and he was drenched to the skin. But the rain
was soon over, and David thought within himself, that old man must have
some way of guessing the weather that beats all my figures and facts. I
will ride back and get it out of him. It will be worth more than a day's
work to learn a new sign. By the time he had reached the farmer's field
again, the old man had resumed his labor, and David accosted him very
respectfully:

"I say, my good friend, I have come all the way back to ask you how you
were able to say that it would certainly rain to-day?"

"Ah," said the sly old fellow, "and wouldn't you like to know!"

"I would certainly; and as I am much interested in the subject, I will
willingly give you five dollars for your rule."

The farmer acceded to the terms, took the money, and proceeded to say:

"Well, you see now, we all use David Ditson's almanacs around here, and
he is the greatest liar that ever lived; for whenever he says 'it's
going to rain,' we know it ain't; and when he says 'fair weather,' we
look out for squalls. Now this morning I saw it put down for to-day
_Very pleasant_, and I knew for sartin it would rain before night.
That's the rule. Use David's Almanac, and always read it just t'other
way."

The crest-fallen astronomer plodded on his weary way, another example of
a fool and his money soon parted. But that was the end of his
prophesying. Since that he has made his almanacs without weatherwise
sayings, leaving every man to guess for himself.




HOW TO BOARD AND LODGE IN NEW YORK.


THE _Philadelphia Chronicle_ calls the hero of the following story a
Yankee, but he will wager a sixpence that he was born in Pennsylvania.
But no matter, it is a good joke:--"'What do you charge for board?'
asked a tall Green Mountain boy, as he walked up to the bar of a
second-rate hotel in New York--'what do you ask a week for board and
lodging?' 'Five dollars.' 'Five dollars! that's too much; but I s'pose
you'll allow for the times I am absent from dinner and supper?'
'Certainly; thirty-seven and a half cents each.' Here the conversation
ended, and the Yankee took up his quarters for two weeks. During this
time, he lodged and breakfasted at the hotel, but did not take either
dinner or supper, saying his business detained him in another portion of
the town. At the expiration of the two weeks, he again walked up to the
bar, and said, 'S'pose we settle that account--I'm going, in a few
minutes.' The landlord handed him his bill--'Two weeks board at five
dollars--ten dollars.' 'Here, stranger,' said the Yankee, 'this is
wrong--you've made a mistake; you've not deducted the times I was absent
from dinner and supper--14 days, two meals per day; 28 meals, at 37-1/2
cents each; 10 dollars 50 cents. If you've not got the fifty cents
that's due to me, _I'll take a drink, and the balance in cigars_!"




NEVER SAY DIE.


"THE politicians have thrown me overboard," said a disappointed
politician; "but I have strength enough to swim to the other side."




HOW TO BECOME A CONNOISSEUR.


SPOSIN' it's pictures that's on the carpet, wait till you hear the name
of the painter. If it's Rubens, or any o' them old boys, praise, for
it's agin the law to doubt them; but if it's a new man, and the company
ain't most especial judges, criticise. "A leetle out o' keeping," says
you. "He don't use his grays enough, nor glaze down well. That shadder
wants depth. General effect is good, though parts ain't. Those eyebrows
are heavy enough for stucco," says you, and other unmeaning terms like
these. It will pass, I tell you. Your opinion will be thought great.
Them that judged the cartoons at Westminster Hall, knew plaguey little
more nor that. But if this is a portrait of the lady of the house,
hangin' up, or it's at all like enough to make it out, stop--gaze on it,
walk back, close your fingers like a spy-glass, and look through 'em
amazed like--enchanted--chained to the spot. Then utter, unconscious
like, "That's a most beautiful pictur'. By heavens! that's a speakin'
portrait. It's well painted, too. But whoever the artist is, he is an
unprincipled man." "Good gracious!" she'll say, "how so?" "'Cause,
madam, he has not done you justice."--_Sam Slick._




BOOTS.


"I BOUGHT _them_ boots to wear only when I go into genteel society,"
said one of the codfish tribe, to a wag, the other day.

"Oh, you did, eh?" quoth the wag. "Well, then, in that case, _them_
boots will be likely to last you a lifetime, and be worth something to
your heirs."--Exit codfish, rather huffy.




SOUR KROUT.


WHEN the territory now composing the State of Ohio was first organized
into a government, and Congressmen about being elected, there were two
candidates, both men of standing and ability, brought out in that
fertile region watered by the beautiful Muskingum.

Mr. Morgan, the one, was a reluctant aspirant for the honor, but he
payed his respects to the people by calling meetings at various points
and addressing them. In one part of the district there was a large and
very intelligent German settlement, and it was generally conceded that
their vote, usually given one way, would be decisive of the contest. To
secure this important interest, Mr. Morgan, in the course of the
campaign, paid this part of the district a visit, and by his
condescension and polite manner, made a most favourable impression on
the entire population--the electors, in fact, all pledging themselves to
cast their votes for him.

Colonel Jackson, the opposing candidate, and ambitious for the office,
hearing of this successful move on the part of his opponent, determined
to counteract it if possible. To this end he started for the
all-important settlement. On introducing himself, and after several
fruitless attempts to dissipate the favourable effects of Mr. Morgan's
visit, he was finally informed by one of the leading men of the precinct
that:

"It ish no good you coming hare, Colonel Shackson, we have all promisht
to vote for our friendt, Meisther Morgans."

"Ah! ha!" says the Colonel: "but did you hear what Mr. Morgan did when
he returned from visiting you?"

"No, vat vas it?"

"Why, he ordered his chamber-maid to bring him some soap and warm water,
that he might wash the sour krout off his hands."

The Colonel left, and in a few days the election coming off, each
candidate made his appearance at the critical German polls.

The votes were then given _viva voce_, and you may readily judge of Mr.
Morgan's astonishment as each lusty Dutchman announced the name of
Colonel Shackson, holding up his hand toward the outwitted candidate,
and indignantly asking:

"Ah! ha! Meisther Morgans, you zee ony zour krout dare?"

It is needless to say that Colonel Shackson took a seat in the next
Congress.




CONFESSION.


"SUSAN, stand up and let me see what you have learned. What does
c-h-a-i-r spell?"

"I don't know, marm."

"Why, you ignorant critter! What do you always sit on?"

"Oh, marm, I don't like to tell."

"What on earth is the matter with the gal?--tell what is it."

"I don't like to tell--it was Bill Crass's knee, but he never kissed me
but twice."

"Airthquake and apple-sarse!" exclaimed the schoolmistress, and she
fainted.




A HAY FIELD ANECDOTE.


AN old gentleman who was always bragging how folks used to work in his
young days, one time challenged his two sons to pitch on a load of hay
as fast as he could load it.

The challenge was accepted and the hay-wagon driven round and the trial
commenced. For some time the old man held his own very creditably,
calling out, tauntingly, "More hay! more hay!"

Thicker and faster it came. The old man was nearly covered; still he
kept crying, "More hay! more hay!" until struggling to keep on the top
of the disordered and ill-arranged heap, it began first to roll, then to
slide, and at last off it went from the wagon, and the old man with it.

"What are you down here for?" cried the boys.

"I came down after hay," answered the old man, stoutly.

Which was a literal fact. He had come down after the wagon load, which
had to be pitched on again rather more deliberately.




WHY BROTHER DICKSON LEFT THE CHURCH.


MR. DICKSON, a colored barber, was shaving one of his customers, a
respectable citizen, one morning, when a conversation occurred between
them respecting Mr. Dickson's former connection with a colored church in
the place.

"I believe you are connected with the church in ----street, Mr.
Dickson," said the customer.

"So, Sah, not at all."

"What! are you not a member of the African Church?"

"Not dis year, Sah."

"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson? if I may be permitted
to ask."

"Why, I tell you, Sah," said Mr. Dickson, strapping a concave razor on
the palm of his hand.

"It was just like dis. I jined dat church in good faif. I gib ten
dollars toward de stated preaching ob de Gospel de fus' year, and de
peepil all call me Brudder Dickson. De second year my business not good,
and I only gib five dollars. Dat year the church peepil call me Mr.
Dickson.

"Dis razor hurt you, Sah?"

"No; the razor goes very well."

"Well, Sah, de third year I felt very poor, sickness in my family, and
didn't gib nuffin for the preaching. Well, Sah, after dat they call me
Old Nigger Dickson, and I leff 'em."

So saying, Mr. Dickson brushed his customer's hair and the gentleman
departed, well satisfied with the reason why Mr. Dickson left the
church.




FORESIGHT.


A YOUNG lady in the interior, thinks of going to California to get
married, for the reason that she has been told that in that country the
men folks "rock the cradle."




VICE VERSA.


WHAT is the difference between an attempted homicide, and a hog
butchery? One is an assault with intent to kill, and the other is a kill
with intent to salt.




HUMAN NATURE.


HERE, reader, is a little picture of _one_ kind of "human nature," that,
while it will make you laugh, conveys at the same time a lesson not
unworthy of heed. The story is of a gentleman traveling through Canada
in the winter of 1839, who, after a long day's ride, stopped at a
roadside inn called the "Lion Tavern," where the contents of the stage
coach, numbering some nine persons, soon gathered round the cheerful
fire.

Among the occupants of the room was an ill-looking cur, who had shown
its wit by taking up its quarters in so comfortable an apartment. After
a few minutes the landlord entered, and observing the dog, remarked:

"Fine dog, that! is he yours, Sir?" appealing to one of the passengers.

"No, Sir."

"_Beautiful_ dog! _yours_, Sir?" addressing himself to a second.

"_No!_" was the blunt reply.

"Come here, Pup! Perhaps he is _yours_, Sir?"

"No!" was again the reply.

"Very sagacious animal! Belongs to YOU, I suppose, Sir?"

"No, he doesn't!"

"Then he is _yours_, and you have a treasure in him, Sir?" at the same
time throwing the animal a cracker.

"No, Sir, he is not!"

"Oh!" (_with a smile_) "he belongs to _you_, as a matter of course,
then?" addressing the last passenger.

"_Me!_ I wouldn't have him as a gift!"

"Then, you dirty, mean, contemptible whelp, get out!" And with that the
host gave him such a kick as sent him howling into the street, amidst
the roars of the company.

There was _one_ honest dog in that company, but the two-legged specimen
was a little "too sweet to be wholesome."




JOHN KEMBLE.


MOORE mentions in his diary a very amusing anecdote of John Kemble. He
was performing one night at some country theatre, in one of his
favourite parts, and being interrupted from time to time by the
squalling of a child in one of the galleries, he became not a _little_
angry at the rival performance. Walking with solemn step to the front of
the stage, and addressing the audience in his most tragic tone, he said:

"Unless _the play_ is stopped, _the child_ can not possibly go on!"

The loud laugh which followed this ridiculous transposition of his
meaning, relaxed even the nerves of the immortal Hamlet, and he was
compelled to laugh with his auditors.




CONFESSION.


A PRIEST of Basse Bretagne, finding his duty somewhat arduous,
particularly the number of his confessing penitents, said from the
pulpit one Sunday:

"Brethren, to avoid confusion at the confessional this week, I will on
Monday confess the liars, on Tuesday the thieves, Wednesday the
gamblers, Thursday the drunkards, Friday the women of bad life, and
Saturday the libertines."

Strange to relate, nobody came that week to confess their sins.




A SLEEPY DEACON.


THERE are times and seasons when sleep is never appropriate, and with
these may be classed the sleep of the good old Cincinnati deacon.

The deacon was the owner and overseer of a large pork-packing
establishment. His duty it was to stand at the head of the scalding
trough, watch in hand, to "time" the length of the scald, crying "Hog
in!" when the just slaughtered hog was to be thrown into the trough, and
"Hog out!" when the watch told three minutes. One week the press of
business compelled the packers to unusually hard labor, and Saturday
night found the deacon completely exhausted. Indeed, he was almost sick
the next morning, when church time came; but he was a leading member,
and it was his duty to attend the usual Sabbath service, if he could. He
went. The occasion was of unusual solemnity, as a revival was in
progress. The minister preached a sermon, well calculated for effect.
His peroration was a climax of great beauty. Assuming the attitude of
one intently listening, he recited to the breathless auditory:

    "Hark, they whisper; angels say--

"_Hog in!_" came from the deacon's pew, in a stentorian voice. The
astonished audience turned their attention from the preacher. He went
on, however, unmoved--

    "Sister spirit, come away."

"_Hog out!_" shouted the deacon, "_tally four_."

This was too much for the preacher and the audience. The latter smiled,
some snickered audibly, while a few boys broke for the door, to "split
their sides," laughing outside, within full hearing. The preacher was
entirely disconcerted, sat down, arose again, pronounced a brief
benediction, and dismissed the anything else than solemn minded hearers.
The deacon soon came to a realizing sense of his unconscious interlude,
for his brethren reprimanded him severely; while the boys caught the
infection of the joke, and every possible occasion afforded an
opportunity for them to say, "_Hog in!_" "_Hog out!_"




LOST IN A FOG.


"SUPPOSE you are lost in a fog," said Lord C---- to his noble relative,
the Marchioness, "what are you most likely to be?" "Mist, of course,"
replied her ladyship.




NO MISTAKE.


"YOU don't seem to know how to take me," said a vulgar fellow to a
gentleman he had insulted. "Yes, I do," said the gentleman, taking him
by the nose.




RESPECT FOR APPEARANCES.


ON a Sunday, a lady called to her little boy, who was tossing marbles on
the side walk, to come in the house.

"Don't you know you should not be out there, my son?" said she. "Go into
the back yard, if you want to play marbles; it is Sunday."

"I will," answered the little boy; "but ain't it Sunday in the back
yard, mother?"




MAKING THE RESPONSES.


AN ignorant fellow, who was about to get married, resolved to make
himself perfect in the responses of the marriage service; but, by
mistake, he committed the office of baptism for those of riper years; so
when the clergyman asked him in the church, "Wilt thou have this woman
to be thy wedded wife?" the bridegroom answered, in a very solemn tone,
"I renounce them all." The astonished minister said, "I think you are a
fool!" to which he replied, "All this I steadfastly believe."




PERSONAL IDENTITY.


AN ill-looking fellow was asked how he could account for nature's
forming him so ugly. "Nature was not to blame," said he; "for when I was
two months old, I was considered the handsomest child in the
neighborhood, but my nurse one day _swapped_ me away for another boy
just to please a friend, whose child was rather plain looking."




IKE PARTINGTON AND PUGILISM.


MRS. PARTINGTON was much surprised to find Ike, one rainy afternoon, in
the spare room, with the rag-bag hung to the bed-post, which he was
belaboring very lustily with his fists as huge as two one cent apples.

"What gymnastiness are you doing here?" said she, as she opened the
door.

He did not stop, and merely replying, "Training," continued to pitch in.
She stood looking at him as he danced around the bag, busily punching
its rotund sides.

"That's the Morrissey touch," said he, giving one side a dig; "and
that," hitting the other side, "is the Benicia Boy."

"Stop!" she said, and he immediately stopped after he had given the last
blow for Morrissey. "I am afraid the training you are having isn't
good," said she, "and I think you had better train in some other
company. I thought your going into compound fractures in school would be
dilatorious to you. I don't know who Mr. Morrissey is, and I don't want
to, but I hear that he has been whipping the Pernicious Boy, a poor lad
with a sore leg, and I think he should be ashamed of himself." Ike had
read the "_Herald_," with all about "the great prize fight" in it, and
had become entirely carried away with it.




GEORGE SELWYN.


GEORGE SELWYN was telling at dinner-table, in the midst of a large
company, and with great glee, of the execution of Lord Lovat, which he
had witnessed. The ladies were shocked at the levity he manifested, and
one of them reproached him, saying,

"How could you be such a barbarian as to see the head of a man cut off?"

"Oh," said he, "if that was any great crime, I am sure I made amends for
it; for I went to see it sewed on again."




PROMPT REPLY.


A FOP in company, wanting his servant, called out:

"Where's that blockhead of mine?" A lady present, answered, "On your
shoulders, Sir."




DIVISION OF TIME.


"MURPHY," said an employer, the other morning, to one of his workmen,
"you came late this morning, the other men were an hour before you."
"Sure, and I'll be even wit 'em to-night, then." "How, Murphy?" "Why,
faith, I'll quit an hour before 'em all, sure."




A GROOM.


A GROOM is a chap, that a gentleman keeps to clean his 'osses, and be
blown up, when things go wrong. They are generally wery conceited
consequential beggars, and as they never knows nothing, why the best way
is to take them so young, that they can't pretend to any knowledge. I
always get mine from the charity schools, and you'll find it wery good
economy, to apply to those that give the boys leather breeches, as it
will save you the trouble of finding him a pair. The first thing to do,
is to teach him to get up early, and to hiss at everything he brushes,
rubs, or touches. As the leather breeches should be kept for Sundays,
you must get him a pair of corderoys, and mind, order them of large
size, and baggy behind, for many 'osses have a trick of biting at chaps
when they are cleaning them; and it is better for them to have a
mouthful of corderoy, than the lad's bacon, to say nothing of the loss
of the boy's services, during the time he is laid up.--_John Jorrock's
Sporting Lectures._




IN A QUIVER.


A COQUETTE is said to be an imperfect incarnation of Cupid, as she keeps
her beau, and not her arrows, in a quiver.




SATISFACTORY ANSWERS.


YANKEES are supposed to have attained the greatest art in parrying
inquisitiveness, but there is a story extant of a "Londoner" on his
travels in the provinces, who rather eclipses the cunning "Yankee
Peddler." In traveling post, says the narrator, he was obliged to stop
at a village to replace a shoe which his horse had lost; when the "Paul
Pry" of the place bustled up to the carriage-window, and without waiting
for the ceremony of an introduction, said:

"Good-morning, Sir. Horse cast a shoe I see. I suppose, Sir, you are
going to--?"

Here he paused, expecting the name of the place to be supplied; but the
gentleman answered:

"You are quite right; I generally go there at this season."

"Ay--ahem!--do you? And no doubt you are now come from--?"

"Right again, Sir; I _live_ there."

"Oh, ay; I see: you do! But I perceive it is a London shay. Is there
anything stirring in London?"

"Oh, yes; plenty of other chaises and carriages of all sorts."

"Ay, ay, of course. But what do folks say?"

"They say their prayers every Sunday."

"That isn't what I mean. I want to know whether there is anything new
and fresh."

"Yes; bread and herrings."

"Ah, you are a queer fellow. Pray, mister, may I ask your name?"

"Fools and clowns," said the gentleman, "call me 'Mister;' but I am in
reality one of the clowns of Aristophanes; and my real name is
_Brekekekex Koax_! Drive on, postilion!"

Now this is what we call a "pursuit of knowledge under difficulties" of
the most _obstinate_ kind.




BARON ROTHSCHILD.


THERE is a good story told recently of Baron Rothschild, of Paris, the
richest man of his class in the world, which shows that it is not only
"money which makes the mare go" (or horses either, for that matter), but
"_ready_ money," "unlimited credit" to the contrary notwithstanding. On
a very wet and disagreeable day, the Baron took a Parisian omnibus, on
his way to the Bourse or Exchange; near which the "Nabob of Finance"
alighted, and was going away without paying. The driver stopped him, and
demanded his fare. Rothschild felt in his pocket, but he had not a "red
cent" of change. The driver was very wroth:

"Well, what did you get _in_ for, if you could not pay? You must have
_known_ that you had no money!"

"I am Baron Rothschild!" exclaimed the great capitalist; "and there is
my card!"

The driver threw the card in the gutter: "Never heard of you before,"
said the driver, "and don't want to hear of you again. But I want my
fare--and I must have it!" The great banker was in haste. "I have only
an order for a million," he said. "Give me change;" and he proffered a
"coupon" for fifty thousand francs.

The conductor stared, and the passengers set up a horselaugh. Just then
an "Agent de Change" came by, and Baron Rothschild borrowed of him the
six sous.

The driver was now seized with a kind of remorseful respect; and turning
to the Money-King, he said:

"If you want ten francs, Sir, I don't mind lending them to you on my own
account!"




MRS. CAUDLE'S UMBRELLA.


ONE of the best chapters in "Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures," is where
that amiable and greatly abused angel reproaches her inhuman spouse with
loaning the family umbrella:

"Ah! that's the third umbrella gone since Christmas! What were you to
do? Why, let him go home in the rain. I don't think there was any thing
about _him_ that would spoil. Take cold, indeed! He does not look like
one o' the sort to take cold. He'd better taken cold, than our only
umbrella. Do you hear the rain, Caudle? I say do you _hear the rain_? Do
you hear it against the windows? Nonsense; you can't be asleep with such
a shower as that. Do you _hear_ it, I say? Oh, you _do_ hear it, do you?
Well, that's a pretty flood, I think, to last six weeks, and no stirring
all the time out of the house. Poh! don't think to fool _me_, Caudle:
_he_ return the umbrella! As if any body ever _did_ return an umbrella!
There--do you hear it? Worse and worse! Cats and dogs for six
weeks--always six weeks--and no umbrella!

"I should like to know how the children are to go to school, to-morrow.
They shan't go through _such_ weather, _that_ I'm determined. No; they
shall stay at home, and never learn anything, sooner than go and get
wet. And when they grow up, I wonder who they'll have to thank for
knowing nothing. People who can't feel for their children ought never to
_be_ fathers.

"But _I_ know why you lent the umbrella--_I_ know very well. I was going
out to tea to mother's, to-morrow;--you _knew_ that very well; and you
did it on purpose. Don't tell me; _I_ know: you don't want me to go, and
take every mean advantage to hinder me. But don't you think it, Caudle.
No; if it comes down in buckets-full, I'll go all the more: I will; and
what's more, I'll walk every step of the way; and you know that will
give me my death," &c., &c., &c.




FOLLOW YOUR NOSE.


"PRAY, Sir, what makes you walk so crookedly?" "Oh, my nose, you see, is
crooked, and I have to follow it!"




LORENZO DOW.


LORENZO DOW is still remembered by some of the "old fogies" as one of
the most eccentric men that ever lived. On one occasion he took the
liberty, while preaching, to denounce a rich man in the community,
recently deceased. The result was an arrest, a trial for slander, and an
imprisonment in the county jail. After Lorenzo got out of "limbo," he
announced that, in spite of his (in his opinion) unjust punishment, he
should preach, at a given time, a sermon about "another rich man." The
populace was greatly excited, and a crowded house greeted his
appearance. With great solemnity he opened the Bible, and read, "And
there was a rich man who died and went to ----;" then stopping short,
and seeming to be suddenly impressed, he continued: "Brethren, I shall
not mention the place this rich man went to, for fear he has some
relatives in this congregation who will sue me for defamation of
character." The effect on the assembled multitude was irresistible, and
he made the impression permanent by taking another text, and never
alluding to the subject again.




SMART WAITER.


THE following story, although latterly related of "a distinguished
Southern gentleman, and former member of the cabinet," was formerly
told, we are _almost_ quite certain, of the odd and eccentric John
Randoph of Roanoke, with certain omissions and additions. Be that as it
may, the anecdote is a good one, and "will do to keep."

"The gentleman was a boarder in one of the most splendid of the New York
hotels; and preferring not to eat at the _table d'hôte_, had his meals
served in his own parlor, with all the elegance for which the
establishment had deservedly become noted.

"Being somewhat annoyed with the airs of the servant who waited upon
him--a negro of 'the blackest dye'--he desired him at dinner one day to
retire. The negro bowed, and took his stand behind the gentleman's
chair. Supposing him to be gone, it was with some impatience that, a few
minutes after, the gentleman saw him step forward to remove his soup.

"'Fellow!' said he, 'leave the room! I wish to be alone.'

"'Excuse me, Sah,' said Cuffee, drawing himself stiffly up, 'but _I'se
'sponsible for de silver_!'"




COULDN'T FIND IT OUT.


MR. SLOCUM was not educated in a university, and his life has been in
by-paths, and out-of-the-way places. His mind is characterized by the
literalness, rather than the comprehensive grasp of great subjects. Mr.
Slocum can, however, master a printed paragraph, by dint of spelling the
hard words, in a deliberate manner, and manages to gain a few glimpses
of men and things, from his little rocky farm, through the medium of a
newspaper. It is quite edifying to hear Mr. Slocum reading the village
paper aloud, to his wife, after a hard day's work. A few evenings since,
farmer Slocum was reading an account of a dreadful accident, which
happened at the factory in the next town, and which the village editor
had described in a great many words.

"I declare, wife, that was an awful accident over to the mills," said
Mr. Slocum.

"What was it about, Mr. Slocum?"

"I'll read the 'count, wife, and then you'll know all about it."

Mr. S. began to read:

"_Horrible and Fatal Accident._--It becomes our melancholy and painful
duty, to record the particulars of an accident that occurred at the
lower mill, in this village, yesterday afternoon, by which a human
being, in the prime of life, was hurried to that bourne from which, as
the immortal Shakspeare says, 'no traveler returns.'"

"Du tell!" exclaimed Mrs. S.

"Mr. David Jones, a workman, who has but few superiors this side of the
city, was superintending one of the large drums--"

"I wonder if 'twas a brass drum, such as has 'Eblubust Unum' printed
on't," said Mrs. Slocum.

--"When he became entangled. His arm was drawn around the drum, and
finally his whole body was drawn over the shaft, at a fearful rate. When
his situation was discovered, he had revolved with immense velocity,
about fifteen minutes, his head and limbs striking a large beam a
distinct blow at each revolution."

"Poor creeter! how it must have hurt him!"

"When the machinery had been stopped, it was found that Mr. Jones's arms
and legs were macerated to a jelly."

"Well, didn't it kill him?" asked Mrs. S., with increasing interest.

"Portions of the dura mater, cerebrum, and cerebellum, in confused
masses, were scattered about the floor; in short, the gates of eternity
had opened upon him."

Here, Mr. Slocum paused to wipe his spectacles, and the wife seized the
opportunity to press the question.

"Was the man killed?"

"I don't know--haven't come to that place yet; you'll know when I've
finished the piece." And Mr. Slocum continued reading:

"It was evident, when the shapeless form was taken down, that it was no
longer tenanted by the immortal spirit--that the vital spark was
extinct."

"Was the man killed? that's what I want to come at," said Mrs. Slocum.

"Do have a little patience, old woman," said Mr. Slocum, eyeing his
better half, over his spectacles, "I presume we shall come upon it right
away." And he went on reading:

"This fatal casualty has cast a gloom over our village, and we trust
that it will prove a warning to all persons who are called upon to
regulate the powerful machinery of our mills."

"Now," said Mrs. Slocum, perceiving that the narration was ended, "now,
I should like to know whether the man was killed or not?"

Mr. Slocum looked puzzled. He scratched his head, scrutinized the
article he had been perusing, and took a graceful survey of the paper.

"I declare, wife," said he, "it's curious, but really the paper don't
say."




CAUGHT ON A JURY.


THE following, which we have heard told as a fact, some time ago, may be
beneficial to some gentleman who has a young and unsuspecting wife:

A certain man, who lived about ten miles from K----, was in the habit of
going to town, about once a week, and getting on a regular spree, and
would not return until he had time to "cool off," which was generally
two or three days. His wife was ignorant

Showing first 200,000 characters. Full text: gutenberg.org/ebooks/29419