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Tommy and Co.

by Jerome K. Jerome · English · Gutenberg #2356 · 335,115 chars · public domain (US)

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Title: Tommy and Co.

Author: Jerome K. Jerome


        
Release date: October 1, 2000 [eBook #2356]
                Most recently updated: July 10, 2007

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/2356

Credits: Transcribed from the 1904 Hutchinson and Co. edition by David Price


*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK TOMMY AND CO. ***




Transcribed from the 1904 Hutchinson and Co. edition by David Price,
email ccx074@pglaf.org





TOMMY AND CO.


BY
JEROME K. JEROME
AUTHOR OF
"PAUL KELVER," "IDLE THOUGHTS OF AN IDLE FELLOW,"
"THREE MEN IN A BOAT," ETC.

LONDON
HUTCHINSON AND CO.
PATERNOSTER ROW
1904




STORY THE FIRST--Peter Hope plans his Prospectus


"Come in!" said Peter Hope.

Peter Hope was tall and thin, clean-shaven but for a pair of side
whiskers close-cropped and terminating just below the ear, with hair of
the kind referred to by sympathetic barbers as "getting a little thin on
the top, sir," but arranged with economy, that everywhere is poverty's
true helpmate.  About Mr. Peter Hope's linen, which was white though
somewhat frayed, there was a self-assertiveness that invariably arrested
the attention of even the most casual observer.  Decidedly there was too
much of it--its ostentation aided and abetted by the retiring nature of
the cut-away coat, whose chief aim clearly was to slip off and disappear
behind its owner's back.  "I'm a poor old thing," it seemed to say.  "I
don't shine--or, rather, I shine too much among these up-to-date young
modes.  I only hamper you.  You would be much more comfortable without
me."  To persuade it to accompany him, its proprietor had to employ
force, keeping fastened the lowest of its three buttons.  At every step,
it struggled for its liberty.  Another characteristic of Peter's, linking
him to the past, was his black silk cravat, secured by a couple of gold
pins chained together.  Watching him as he now sat writing, his long legs
encased in tightly strapped grey trousering, crossed beneath the table,
the lamplight falling on his fresh-complexioned face, upon the shapely
hand that steadied the half-written sheet, a stranger might have rubbed
his eyes, wondering by what hallucination he thus found himself in
presence seemingly of some young beau belonging to the early 'forties;
but looking closer, would have seen the many wrinkles.

"Come in!" repeated Mr. Peter Hope, raising his voice, but not his eyes.

The door opened, and a small, white face, out of which gleamed a pair of
bright, black eyes, was thrust sideways into the room.

"Come in!" repeated Mr. Peter Hope for the third time.  "Who is it?"

A hand not over clean, grasping a greasy cloth cap, appeared below the
face.

"Not ready yet," said Mr. Hope.  "Sit down and wait."

The door opened wider, and the whole of the figure slid in and, closing
the door behind it, sat itself down upon the extreme edge of the chair
nearest.

"Which are you--_Central News_ or _Courier_?" demanded Mr. Peter Hope,
but without looking up from his work.

The bright, black eyes, which had just commenced an examination of the
room by a careful scrutiny of the smoke-grimed ceiling, descended and
fixed themselves upon the one clearly defined bald patch upon his head
that, had he been aware of it, would have troubled Mr. Peter Hope.  But
the full, red lips beneath the turned-up nose remained motionless.

That he had received no answer to his question appeared to have escaped
the attention of Mr. Peter Hope.  The thin, white hand moved steadily to
and fro across the paper.  Three more sheets were added to those upon the
floor.  Then Mr. Peter Hope pushed back his chair and turned his gaze for
the first time upon his visitor.

To Peter Hope, hack journalist, long familiar with the genus Printer's
Devil, small white faces, tangled hair, dirty hands, and greasy caps were
common objects in the neighbourhood of that buried rivulet, the Fleet.
But this was a new species.  Peter Hope sought his spectacles, found them
after some trouble under a heap of newspapers, adjusted them upon his
high, arched nose, leant forward, and looked long and up and down.

"God bless my soul!" said Mr. Peter Hope.  "What is it?"

The figure rose to its full height of five foot one and came forward
slowly.

Over a tight-fitting garibaldi of blue silk, excessively _decollete_, it
wore what once had been a boy's pepper-and-salt jacket.  A worsted
comforter wound round the neck still left a wide expanse of throat
showing above the garibaldi.  Below the jacket fell a long, black skirt,
the train of which had been looped up about the waist and fastened with a
cricket-belt.

"Who are you?  What do you want?" asked Mr. Peter Hope.

For answer, the figure, passing the greasy cap into its other hand,
stooped down and, seizing the front of the long skirt, began to haul it
up.

"Don't do that!" said Mr. Peter Hope.  "I say, you know, you--"

But by this time the skirt had practically disappeared, leaving to view a
pair of much-patched trousers, diving into the right-hand pocket of which
the dirty hand drew forth a folded paper, which, having opened and
smoothed out, it laid upon the desk.

Mr. Peter Hope pushed up his spectacles till they rested on his eyebrows,
and read aloud--"'Steak and Kidney Pie, 4d.; Do. (large size), _6d._;
Boiled Mutton--'"

"That's where I've been for the last two weeks," said the
figure,--"Hammond's Eating House!"

The listener noted with surprise that the voice--though it told him as
plainly as if he had risen and drawn aside the red rep curtains, that
outside in Gough Square the yellow fog lay like the ghost of a dead
sea--betrayed no Cockney accent, found no difficulty with its aitches.

"You ask for Emma.  She'll say a good word for me.  She told me so."

"But, my good--" Mr. Peter Hope, checking himself, sought again the
assistance of his glasses.  The glasses being unable to decide the point,
their owner had to put the question bluntly:

"Are you a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno."

"You don't know!"

"What's the difference?"

Mr. Peter Hope stood up, and taking the strange figure by the shoulders,
turned it round slowly twice, apparently under the impression that the
process might afford to him some clue.  But it did not.

"What is your name?"

"Tommy."

"Tommy what?"

"Anything you like.  I dunno.  I've had so many of 'em."

"What do you want?  What have you come for?"

"You're Mr. Hope, ain't you, second floor, 16, Gough Square?"

"That is my name."

"You want somebody to do for you?"

"You mean a housekeeper!"

"Didn't say anything about housekeeper.  Said you wanted somebody to do
for you--cook and clean the place up.  Heard 'em talking about it in the
shop this afternoon.  Old lady in green bonnet was asking Mother Hammond
if she knew of anyone."

"Mrs. Postwhistle--yes, I did ask her to look out for someone for me.
Why, do you know of anyone?  Have you been sent by anybody?"

"You don't want anything too 'laborate in the way o' cooking?  You was a
simple old chap, so they said; not much trouble."

"No--no.  I don't want much--someone clean and respectable.  But why
couldn't she come herself?  Who is it?"

"Well, what's wrong about me?"

"I beg your pardon," said Mr. Peter Hope.

"Why won't I do?  I can make beds and clean rooms--all that sort o'
thing.  As for cooking, I've got a natural aptitude for it.  You ask
Emma; she'll tell you.  You don't want nothing 'laborate?"

"Elizabeth," said Mr. Peter Hope, as he crossed and, taking up the poker,
proceeded to stir the fire, "are we awake or asleep?"

Elizabeth thus appealed to, raised herself on her hind legs and dug her
claws into her master's thigh.  Mr. Hope's trousers being thin, it was
the most practical answer she could have given him.

"Done a lot of looking after other people for their benefit," continued
Tommy.  "Don't see why I shouldn't do it for my own."

"My dear--I do wish I knew whether you were a boy or a girl.  Do you
seriously suggest that I should engage you as my housekeeper?" asked Mr.
Peter Hope, now upright with his back to the fire.

"I'd do for you all right," persisted Tommy.  "You give me my grub and a
shake-down and, say, sixpence a week, and I'll grumble less than most of
'em."

"Don't be ridiculous," said Mr. Peter Hope.

"You won't try me?"

"Of course not; you must be mad."

"All right.  No harm done."  The dirty hand reached out towards the desk,
and possessing itself again of Hammond's Bill of Fare, commenced the
operations necessary for bearing it away in safety.

"Here's a shilling for you," said Mr. Peter Hope.

"Rather not," said Tommy.  "Thanks all the same."

"Nonsense!" said Mr. Peter Hope.

"Rather not," repeated Tommy.  "Never know where that sort of thing may
lead you to."

"All right," said Mr. Peter Hope, replacing the coin in his pocket.
"Don't!"

The figure moved towards the door.

"Wait a minute.  Wait a minute," said Mr. Peter Hope irritably.

The figure, with its hand upon the door, stood still.

"Are you going back to Hammond's?"

"No.  I've finished there.  Only took me on for a couple o' weeks, while
one of the gals was ill.  She came back this morning."

"Who are your people?"

Tommy seemed puzzled.  "What d'ye mean?"

"Well, whom do you live with?"

"Nobody."

"You've got nobody to look after you--to take care of you?"

"Take care of me!  D'ye think I'm a bloomin' kid?"

"Then where are you going to now?"

"Going?  Out."

Peter Hope's irritation was growing.

"I mean, where are you going to sleep?  Got any money for a lodging?"

"Yes, I've got some money," answered Tommy.  "But I don't think much o'
lodgings.  Not a particular nice class as you meet there.  I shall sleep
out to-night.  'Tain't raining."

Elizabeth uttered a piercing cry.

"Serves you right!" growled Peter savagely.  "How can anyone help
treading on you when you will get just between one's legs.  Told you of
it a hundred times."

The truth of the matter was that Peter was becoming very angry with
himself.  For no reason whatever, as he told himself, his memory would
persist in wandering to Ilford Cemetery, in a certain desolate corner of
which lay a fragile little woman whose lungs had been but ill adapted to
breathing London fogs; with, on the top of her, a still smaller and still
more fragile mite of humanity that, in compliment to its only relative
worth a penny-piece, had been christened Thomas--a name common enough in
all conscience, as Peter had reminded himself more than once.  In the
name of common sense, what had dead and buried Tommy Hope to do with this
affair?  The whole thing was the veriest sentiment, and sentiment was Mr.
Peter Hope's abomination.  Had he not penned articles innumerable
pointing out its baneful influence upon the age?  Had he not always
condemned it, wherever he had come across it in play or book?  Now and
then the suspicion had crossed Peter's mind that, in spite of all this,
he was somewhat of a sentimentalist himself--things had suggested this to
him.  The fear had always made him savage.

"You wait here till I come back," he growled, seizing the astonished
Tommy by the worsted comforter and spinning it into the centre of the
room.  "Sit down, and don't you dare to move."  And Peter went out and
slammed the door behind him.

"Bit off his chump, ain't he?" remarked Tommy to Elizabeth, as the sound
of Peter's descending footsteps died away.  People had a way of
addressing remarks to Elizabeth.  Something in her manner invited this.

"Oh, well, it's all in the day's work," commented Tommy cheerfully, and
sat down as bid.

Five minutes passed, maybe ten.  Then Peter returned, accompanied by a
large, restful lady, to whom surprise--one felt it instinctively--had
always been, and always would remain, an unknown quantity.

Tommy rose.

"That's the--the article," explained Peter.

Mrs. Postwhistle compressed her lips and slightly tossed her head.  It
was the attitude of not ill-natured contempt from which she regarded most
human affairs.

"That's right," said Mrs. Postwhistle; "I remember seeing 'er
there--leastways, it was an 'er right enough then.  What 'ave you done
with your clothes?"

"They weren't mine," explained Tommy.  "They were things what Mrs.
Hammond had lent me."

"Is that your own?" asked Mrs. Postwhistle, indicating the blue silk
garibaldi.

"Yes."

"What went with it?"

"Tights.  They were too far gone."

"What made you give up the tumbling business and go to Mrs. 'Ammond's?"

"It gave me up.  Hurt myself."

"Who were you with last?"

"Martini troupe."

"And before that?"

"Oh! heaps of 'em."

"Nobody ever told you whether you was a boy or a girl?"

"Nobody as I'd care to believe.  Some of them called me the one, some of
them the other.  It depended upon what was wanted."

"How old are you?"

"I dunno."

Mrs. Postwhistle turned to Peter, who was jingling keys.

"Well, there's the bed upstairs.  It's for you to decide."

"What I don't want to do," explained Peter, sinking his voice to a
confidential whisper, "is to make a fool of myself."

"That's always a good rule," agreed Mrs. Postwhistle, "for those to whom
it's possible."

"Anyhow," said Peter, "one night can't do any harm.  To-morrow we can
think what's to be done."

"To-morrow" had always been Peter's lucky day.  At the mere mention of
the magic date his spirits invariably rose.  He now turned upon Tommy a
countenance from which all hesitation was banished.

"Very well, Tommy," said Mr. Peter Hope, "you can sleep here to-night.  Go
with Mrs. Postwhistle, and she'll show you your room."

The black eyes shone.

"You're going to give me a trial?"

"We'll talk about all that to-morrow."  The black eyes clouded.

"Look here.  I tell you straight, it ain't no good."

"What do you mean?  What isn't any good?" demanded Peter.

"You'll want to send me to prison."

"To prison!"

"Oh, yes.  You'll call it a school, I know.  You ain't the first that's
tried that on.  It won't work."  The bright, black eyes were flashing
passionately.  "I ain't done any harm.  I'm willing to work.  I can keep
myself.  I always have.  What's it got to do with anybody else?"

Had the bright, black eyes retained their expression of passionate
defiance, Peter Hope might have retained his common sense.  Only Fate
arranged that instead they should suddenly fill with wild tears.  And at
sight of them Peter's common sense went out of the room disgusted, and
there was born the history of many things.

"Don't be silly," said Peter.  "You didn't understand.  Of course I'm
going to give you a trial.  You're going to 'do' for me.  I merely meant
that we'd leave the details till to-morrow.  Come, housekeepers don't
cry."

The little wet face looked up.

"You mean it?  Honour bright?"

"Honour bright.  Now go and wash yourself.  Then you shall get me my
supper."

The odd figure, still heaving from its paroxysm of sobs, stood up.

"And I have my grub, my lodging, and sixpence a week?"

"Yes, yes; I think that's a fair arrangement," agreed Mr. Peter Hope,
considering.  "Don't you, Mrs. Postwhistle?"

"With a frock--or a suit of trousers--thrown in," suggested Mrs.
Postwhistle.  "It's generally done."

"If it's the custom, certainly," agreed Mr. Peter Hope.  "Sixpence a week
and clothes."

And this time it was Peter that, in company with Elizabeth, sat waiting
the return of Tommy.

"I rather hope," said Peter, "it's a boy.  It was the fogs, you know.  If
only I could have afforded to send him away!"

Elizabeth looked thoughtful.  The door opened.

"Ah! that's better, much better," said Mr. Peter Hope.  "'Pon my word,
you look quite respectable."

By the practical Mrs. Postwhistle a working agreement, benefiting both
parties, had been arrived at with the long-trained skirt; while an ample
shawl arranged with judgment disguised the nakedness that lay below.
Peter, a fastidious gentleman, observed with satisfaction that the hands,
now clean, had been well cared for.

"Give me that cap," said Peter.  He threw it in the glowing fire.  It
burned brightly, diffusing strange odours.

"There's a travelling cap of mine hanging up in the passage.  You can
wear that for the present.  Take this half-sovereign and get me some cold
meat and beer for supper.  You'll find everything else you want in that
sideboard or else in the kitchen.  Don't ask me a hundred questions, and
don't make a noise," and Peter went back to his work.

"Good idea, that half-sovereign," said Peter.  "Shan't be bothered with
'Master Tommy' any more, don't expect.  Starting a nursery at our time of
life.  Madness."  Peter's pen scratched and spluttered.  Elizabeth kept
an eye upon the door.

"Quarter of an hour," said Peter, looking at his watch.  "Told you so."
The article on which Peter was now engaged appeared to be of a worrying
nature.

"Then why," said Peter, "why did he refuse that shilling?  Artfulness,"
concluded Peter, "pure artfulness.  Elizabeth, old girl, we've got out of
this business cheaply.  Good idea, that half-sovereign."  Peter gave vent
to a chuckle that had the effect of alarming Elizabeth.

But luck evidently was not with Peter that night.

"Pingle's was sold out," explained Tommy, entering with parcels; "had to
go to Bow's in Farringdon Street."

"Oh!" said Peter, without looking up.

Tommy passed through into the little kitchen behind.  Peter wrote on
rapidly, making up for lost time.

"Good!" murmured Peter, smiling to himself, "that's a neat phrase.  That
ought to irritate them."

Now, as he wrote, while with noiseless footsteps Tommy, unseen behind
him, moved to and fro and in and out the little kitchen, there came to
Peter Hope this very curious experience: it felt to him as if for a long
time he had been ill--so ill as not even to have been aware of it--and
that now he was beginning to be himself again; consciousness of things
returning to him.  This solidly furnished, long, oak-panelled room with
its air of old-world dignity and repose--this sober, kindly room in which
for more than half his life he had lived and worked--why had he forgotten
it?  It came forward greeting him with an amused smile, as of some old
friend long parted from.  The faded photos, in stiff, wooden frames upon
the chimney-piece, among them that of the fragile little woman with the
unadaptable lungs.

"God bless my soul!" said Mr. Peter Hope, pushing back his chair.  "It's
thirty years ago.  How time does fly!  Why, let me see, I must be--"

"D'you like it with a head on it?" demanded Tommy, who had been waiting
patiently for signs.

Peter shook himself awake and went to his supper.

A bright idea occurred to Peter in the night.  "Of course; why didn't I
think of it before?  Settle the question at once."  Peter fell into an
easy sleep.

"Tommy," said Peter, as he sat himself down to breakfast the next
morning.  "By-the-by," asked Peter with a puzzled expression, putting
down his cup, "what is this?"

"Cauffee," informed him Tommy.  "You said cauffee."

"Oh!" replied Peter.  "For the future, Tommy, if you don't mind, I will
take tea of a morning."

"All the same to me," explained the agreeable Tommy, "it's your
breakfast."

"What I was about to say," continued Peter, "was that you're not looking
very well, Tommy."

"I'm all right," asserted Tommy; "never nothing the matter with me."

"Not that you know of, perhaps; but one can be in a very bad way, Tommy,
without being aware of it.  I cannot have anyone about me that I am not
sure is in thoroughly sound health."

"If you mean you've changed your mind and want to get rid of me--" began
Tommy, with its chin in the air.

"I don't want any of your uppishness," snapped Peter, who had wound
himself up for the occasion to a degree of assertiveness that surprised
even himself.  "If you are a thoroughly strong and healthy person, as I
think you are, I shall be very glad to retain your services.  But upon
that point I must be satisfied.  It is the custom," explained Peter.  "It
is always done in good families.  Run round to this address"--Peter wrote
it upon a leaf of his notebook--"and ask Dr. Smith to come and see me
before he begins his round.  You go at once, and don't let us have any
argument."

"That is the way to talk to that young person--clearly," said Peter to
himself, listening to Tommy's footsteps dying down the stairs.

Hearing the street-door slam, Peter stole into the kitchen and brewed
himself a cup of coffee.

Dr. Smith, who had commenced life as Herr Schmidt, but who in consequence
of difference of opinion with his Government was now an Englishman with
strong Tory prejudices, had but one sorrow: it was that strangers would
mistake him for a foreigner.  He was short and stout, with bushy eyebrows
and a grey moustache, and looked so fierce that children cried when they
saw him, until he patted them on the head and addressed them as "mein
leedle frent" in a voice so soft and tender that they had to leave off
howling just to wonder where it came from.  He and Peter, who was a
vehement Radical, had been cronies for many years, and had each an
indulgent contempt for the other's understanding, tempered by a sincere
affection for one another they would have found it difficult to account
for.

"What tink you is de matter wid de leedle wench?" demanded Dr. Smith,
Peter having opened the case.  Peter glanced round the room.  The kitchen
door was closed.

"How do you know it's a wench?"

The eyes beneath the bushy brows grew rounder.  "If id is not a wench,
why dress it--"

"Haven't dressed it," interrupted Peter.  "Just what I'm waiting to do--so
soon as I know."

And Peter recounted the events of the preceding evening.

Tears gathered in the doctor's small, round eyes.  His absurd
sentimentalism was the quality in his friend that most irritated Peter.

"Poor leedle waif!" murmured the soft-hearted old gentleman.  "Id was de
good Providence dat guided her--or him, whichever id be."

"Providence be hanged!" snarled Peter.  "What was my Providence
doing--landing me with a gutter-brat to look after?"

"So like you Radicals," sneered the doctor, "to despise a fellow human
creature just because id may not have been born in burble and fine
linen."

"I didn't send for you to argue politics," retorted Peter, controlling
his indignation by an effort.  "I want you to tell me whether it's a boy
or a girl, so that I may know what to do with it."

"What mean you to do wid id?" inquired the doctor.

"I don't know," confessed Peter.  "If it's a boy, as I rather think it
is, maybe I'll be able to find it a place in one of the offices--after
I've taught it a little civilisation."

"And if id be a girl?"

"How can it be a girl when it wears trousers?" demanded Peter.  "Why
anticipate difficulties?"

Peter, alone, paced to and fro the room, his hands behind his back, his
ear on the alert to catch the slightest sound from above.

"I do hope it is a boy," said Peter, glancing up.

Peter's eyes rested on the photo of the fragile little woman gazing down
at him from its stiff frame upon the chimney-piece.  Thirty years ago, in
this same room, Peter had paced to and fro, his hands behind his back,
his ear alert to catch the slightest sound from above, had said to
himself the same words.

"It's odd," mused Peter--"very odd indeed."

The door opened.  The stout doctor, preceded at a little distance by his
watch-chain, entered and closed the door behind him.

"A very healthy child," said the doctor, "as fine a child as any one
could wish to see.  A girl."

The two old gentlemen looked at one another.  Elizabeth, possibly
relieved in her mind, began to purr.

"What am I to do with it?" demanded Peter.

"A very awkward bosition for you," agreed the sympathetic doctor.

"I was a fool!" declared Peter.

"You haf no one here to look after de leedle wench when you are away,"
pointed out the thoughtful doctor.

"And from what I've seen of the imp," added Peter, "it will want some
looking after."

"I tink--I tink," said the helpful doctor, "I see a way out!"

"What?"

The doctor thrust his fierce face forward and tapped knowingly with his
right forefinger the right side of his round nose.  "I will take charge
of de leedle wench."

"You?"

"To me de case will not present de same difficulties.  I haf a
housekeeper."

"Oh, yes, Mrs. Whateley."

"She is a goot woman when you know her," explained the doctor.  "She only
wants managing."

"Pooh!" ejaculated Peter.

"Why do you say dat?" inquired the doctor.

"You! bringing up a headstrong girl.  The idea!"

"I should be kind, but firm."

"You don't know her."

"How long haf you known her?"

"Anyhow, I'm not a soft-hearted sentimentalist that would just ruin the
child."

"Girls are not boys," persisted the doctor; "dey want different
treatment."

"Well, I'm not a brute!" snarled Peter.  "Besides, suppose she turns out
rubbish!  What do you know about her?"

"I take my chance," agreed the generous doctor.

"It wouldn't be fair," retorted honest Peter.

"Tink it over," said the doctor.  "A place is never home widout de leedle
feet.  We Englishmen love de home.  You are different.  You haf no
sentiment."

"I cannot help feeling," explained Peter, "a sense of duty in this
matter.  The child came to me.  It is as if this thing had been laid upon
me."

"If you look upon id dat way, Peter," sighed the doctor.

"With sentiment," went on Peter, "I have nothing to do; but duty--duty is
quite another thing."  Peter, feeling himself an ancient Roman, thanked
the doctor and shook hands with him.

Tommy, summoned, appeared.

"The doctor, Tommy," said Peter, without looking up from his writing,
"gives a very satisfactory account of you.  So you can stop."

"Told you so," returned Tommy.  "Might have saved your money."

"But we shall have to find you another name."

"What for?"

"If you are to be a housekeeper, you must be a girl."

"Don't like girls."

"Can't say I think much of them myself, Tommy.  We must make the best of
it.  To begin with, we must get you proper clothes."

"Hate skirts.  They hamper you."

"Tommy," said Peter severely, "don't argue."

"Pointing out facts ain't arguing," argued Tommy.  "They do hamper you.
You try 'em."

The clothes were quickly made, and after a while they came to fit; but
the name proved more difficult of adjustment.  A sweet-faced, laughing
lady, known to fame by a title respectable and orthodox, appears an
honoured guest to-day at many a literary gathering.  But the old fellows,
pressing round, still call her "Tommy."

The week's trial came to an end.  Peter, whose digestion was delicate,
had had a happy thought.

"What I propose, Tommy--I mean Jane," said Peter, "is that we should get
in a woman to do just the mere cooking.  That will give you more time
to--to attend to other things, Tommy--Jane, I mean."

"What other things?" chin in the air.

"The--the keeping of the rooms in order, Tommy.  The--the dusting."

"Don't want twenty-four hours a day to dust four rooms."

"Then there are messages, Tommy.  It would be a great advantage to me to
have someone I could send on a message without feeling I was interfering
with the housework."

"What are you driving at?" demanded Tommy.  "Why, I don't have half
enough to do as it is.  I can do all--"

Peter put his foot down.  "When I say a thing, I mean a thing.  The
sooner you understand that, the better.  How dare you argue with me!
Fiddle-de-dee!"  For two pins Peter would have employed an expletive even
stronger, so determined was he feeling.

Tommy without another word left the room.  Peter looked at Elizabeth and
winked.

Poor Peter!  His triumph was short-lived.  Five minutes later, Tommy
returned, clad in the long, black skirt, supported by the cricket belt,
the blue garibaldi cut _decollete_, the pepper-and-salt jacket, the
worsted comforter, the red lips very tightly pressed, the long lashes
over the black eyes moving very rapidly.

"Tommy" (severely), "what is this tomfoolery?"

"I understand.  I ain't no good to you.  Thanks for giving me a trial.  My
fault."

"Tommy" (less severely), "don't be an idiot."

"Ain't an idiot.  'Twas Emma.  Told me I was good at cooking.  Said I'd
got an aptitude for it.  She meant well."

"Tommy" (no trace of severity), "sit down.  Emma was quite right.  Your
cooking is--is promising.  As Emma puts it, you have aptitude.
Your--perseverance, your hopefulness proves it."

"Then why d'ye want to get someone else in to do it?"

If Peter could have answered truthfully!  If Peter could have replied:

"My dear, I am a lonely old gentleman.  I did not know it until--until
the other day.  Now I cannot forget it again.  Wife and child died many
years ago.  I was poor, or I might have saved them.  That made me hard.
The clock of my life stood still.  I hid away the key.  I did not want to
think.  You crept to me out of the cruel fog, awakened old dreams.  Do
not go away any more"--perhaps Tommy, in spite of her fierce
independence, would have consented to be useful; and thus Peter might
have gained his end at less cost of indigestion.  But the penalty for
being an anti-sentimentalist is that you must not talk like this even to
yourself.  So Peter had to cast about for other methods.

"Why shouldn't I keep two servants if I like?"  It did seem hard on the
old gentleman.

"What's the sense of paying two to do the work of one?  You would only be
keeping me on out of charity."  The black eyes flashed.  "I ain't a
beggar."

"And you really think, Tommy--I should say Jane, you can manage the--the
whole of it?  You won't mind being sent on a message, perhaps in the very
middle of your cooking.  It was that I was thinking of, Tommy--some cooks
would."

"You go easy," advised him Tommy, "till I complain of having too much to
do."

Peter returned to his desk.  Elizabeth looked up.  It seemed to Peter
that Elizabeth winked.

The fortnight that followed was a period of trouble to Peter, for Tommy,
her suspicions having been aroused, was sceptical of "business" demanding
that Peter should dine with this man at the club, lunch with this editor
at the Cheshire Cheese.  At once the chin would go up into the air, the
black eyes cloud threateningly.  Peter, an unmarried man for thirty
years, lacking experience, would under cross-examination contradict
himself, become confused, break down over essential points.

"Really," grumbled Peter to himself one evening, sawing at a mutton chop,
"really there's no other word for it--I'm henpecked."

Peter that day had looked forward to a little dinner at a favourite
restaurant, with his "dear old friend Blenkinsopp, a bit of a gourmet,
Tommy--that means a man who likes what you would call elaborate
cooking!"--forgetful at the moment that he had used up "Blenkinsopp"
three days before for a farewell supper, "Blenkinsopp" having to set out
the next morning for Egypt.  Peter was not facile at invention.  Names in
particular had always been a difficulty to him.

"I like a spirit of independence," continued Peter to himself.  "Wish she
hadn't quite so much of it.  Wonder where she got it from."

The situation was becoming more serious to Peter than he cared to admit.
For day by day, in spite of her tyrannies, Tommy was growing more and
more indispensable to Peter.  Tommy was the first audience that for
thirty years had laughed at Peter's jokes; Tommy was the first public
that for thirty years had been convinced that Peter was the most
brilliant journalist in Fleet Street; Tommy was the first anxiety that
for thirty years had rendered it needful that Peter each night should
mount stealthily the creaking stairs, steal with shaded candle to a
bedside.  If only Tommy wouldn't "do" for him!  If only she could be
persuaded to "do" something else.

Another happy thought occurred to Peter.

"Tommy--I mean Jane," said Peter, "I know what I'll do with you."

"What's the game now?"

"I'll make a journalist of you."

"Don't talk rot."

"It isn't rot.  Besides, I won't have you answer me like that.  As a
Devil--that means, Tommy, the unseen person in the background that helps
a journalist to do his work--you would be invaluable to me.  It would pay
me, Tommy--pay me very handsomely.  I should make money out of you."

This appeared to be an argument that Tommy understood.  Peter, with
secret delight, noticed that the chin retained its normal level.

"I did help a chap to sell papers, once," remembered Tommy; "he said I
was fly at it."

"I told you so," exclaimed Peter triumphantly.  "The methods are
different, but the instinct required is the same.  We will get a woman in
to relieve you of the housework."

The chin shot up into the air.

"I could do it in my spare time."

"You see, Tommy, I should want you to go about with me--to be always with
me."

"Better try me first.  Maybe you're making an error."

Peter was learning the wisdom of the serpent.

"Quite right, Tommy.  We will first see what you can do.  Perhaps, after
all, it may turn out that you are better as a cook."  In his heart Peter
doubted this.

But the seed had fallen upon good ground.  It was Tommy herself that
manoeuvred her first essay in journalism.  A great man had come to
London--was staying in apartments especially prepared for him in St.
James's Palace.  Said every journalist in London to himself: "If I could
obtain an interview with this Big Man, what a big thing it would be for
me!"  For a week past, Peter had carried everywhere about with him a
paper headed: "Interview of Our Special Correspondent with Prince Blank,"
questions down left-hand column, very narrow; space for answers right-
hand side, very wide.  But the Big Man was experienced.

"I wonder," said Peter, spreading the neatly folded paper on the desk
before him, "I wonder if there can be any way of getting at him--any
dodge or trick, any piece of low cunning, any plausible lie that I
haven't thought of."

"Old Man Martin--called himself Martini--was just such another,"
commented Tommy.  "Come pay time, Saturday afternoon, you just couldn't
get at him--simply wasn't any way.  I was a bit too good for him once,
though," remembered Tommy, with a touch of pride in her voice; "got half
a quid out of him that time.  It did surprise him."

"No," communed Peter to himself aloud, "I don't honestly think there can
be any method, creditable or discreditable, that I haven't tried."  Peter
flung the one-sided interview into the wastepaper-basket, and slipping
his notebook into his pocket, departed to drink tea with a lady novelist,
whose great desire, as stated in a postscript to her invitation, was to
avoid publicity, if possible.

Tommy, as soon as Peter's back was turned, fished it out again.

An hour later in the fog around St. James's Palace stood an Imp, clad in
patched trousers and a pepper-and-salt jacket turned up about the neck,
gazing with admiring eyes upon the sentry.

"Now, then, young seventeen-and-sixpence the soot," said the sentry,
"what do you want?"

"Makes you a bit anxious, don't it," suggested the Imp, "having a big pot
like him to look after?"

"Does get a bit on yer mind, if yer thinks about it," agreed the sentry.

"How do you find him to talk to, like?"

"Well," said the sentry, bringing his right leg into action for the
purpose of relieving his left, "ain't 'ad much to do with 'im myself, not
person'ly, as yet.  Oh, 'e ain't a bad sort when yer know 'im."

"That's his shake-down, ain't it?" asked the Imp, "where the lights are."

"That's it," admitted sentry.  "You ain't an Anarchist?  Tell me if you
are."

"I'll let you know if I feel it coming on," the Imp assured him.

Had the sentry been a man of swift and penetrating observation--which he
wasn't--he might have asked the question in more serious a tone.  For he
would have remarked that the Imp's black eyes were resting lovingly upon
a rain-water-pipe, giving to a skilful climber easy access to the terrace
underneath the Prince's windows.

"I would like to see him," said the Imp.

"Friend o' yours?" asked the sentry.

"Well, not exactly," admitted the Imp.  "But there, you know, everybody's
talking about him down our street."

"Well, yer'll 'ave to be quick about it," said the sentry.  "'E's off to-
night."

Tommy's face fell.  "I thought it wasn't till Friday morning."

"Ah!" said the sentry, "that's what the papers say, is it?"  The sentry's
voice took unconsciously the accent of those from whom no secret is hid.
"I'll tell yer what yer can do," continued the sentry, enjoying an
unaccustomed sense of importance.  The sentry glanced left, then right.
"'E's a slipping off all by 'imself down to Osborne by the 6.40 from
Waterloo.  Nobody knows it--'cept, o' course, just a few of us.  That's
'is way all over.  'E just 'ates--"

A footstep sounded down the corridor.  The sentry became statuesque.

At Waterloo, Tommy inspected the 6.40 train.  Only one compartment
indicated possibilities, an extra large one at the end of the coach next
the guard's van.  It was labelled "Reserved," and in the place of the
usual fittings was furnished with a table and four easy-chairs.  Having
noticed its position, Tommy took a walk up the platform and disappeared
into the fog.

Twenty minutes later, Prince Blank stepped hurriedly across the platform,
unnoticed save by half a dozen obsequious officials, and entered the
compartment reserved for him.  The obsequious officials bowed.  Prince
Blank, in military fashion, raised his hand.  The 6.40 steamed out
slowly.

Prince Blank, who was a stout gentleman, though he tried to disguise the
fact, seldom found himself alone.  When he did, he generally indulged
himself in a little healthy relaxation.  With two hours' run to
Southampton before him, free from all possibility of intrusion, Prince
Blank let loose the buttons of his powerfully built waistcoat, rested his
bald head on the top of his chair, stretched his great legs across
another, and closed his terrible, small eyes.

For an instant it seemed to Prince Blank that a draught had entered into
the carriage.  As, however, the sensation immediately passed away, he did
not trouble to wake up.  Then the Prince dreamed that somebody was in the
carriage with him--was sitting opposite to him.  This being an annoying
sort of dream, the Prince opened his eyes for the purpose of dispelling
it.  There was somebody sitting opposite to him--a very grimy little
person, wiping blood off its face and hands with a dingy handkerchief.
Had the Prince been a man capable of surprise, he would have been
surprised.

"It's all right," assured him Tommy.  "I ain't here to do any harm.  I
ain't an Anarchist."

The Prince, by a muscular effort, retired some four or five inches and
commenced to rebutton his waistcoat.

"How did you get here?" asked the Prince.

"'Twas a bigger job than I'd reckoned on," admitted Tommy, seeking a dry
inch in the smeared handkerchief, and finding none.  "But that don't
matter," added Tommy cheerfully, "now I'm here."

"If you do not wish me to hand you over to the police at Southampton, you
had better answer my questions," remarked the Prince drily.

Tommy was not afraid of princes, but in the lexicon of her harassed youth
"Police" had always been a word of dread.

"I wanted to get at you."

"I gather that."

"There didn't seem any other way.  It's jolly difficult to get at you.
You're so jolly artful."

"Tell me how you managed it."

"There's a little bridge for signals just outside Waterloo.  I could see
that the train would have to pass under it.  So I climbed up and waited.
It being a foggy night, you see, nobody twigged me.  I say, you are
Prince Blank, ain't you?"

"I am Prince Blank."

"Should have been mad if I'd landed the wrong man."

"Go on."

"I knew which was your carriage--leastways, I guessed it; and as it came
along, I did a drop."  Tommy spread out her arms and legs to illustrate
the action.  "The lamps, you know," explained Tommy, still dabbing at her
face--"one of them caught me."

"And from the roof?"

"Oh, well, it was easy after that.  There's an iron thing at the back,
and steps.  You've only got to walk downstairs and round the corner, and
there you are.  Bit of luck your other door not being locked.  I hadn't
thought of that.  Haven't got such a thing as a handkerchief about you,
have you?"

The Prince drew one from his sleeve and passed it to her.  "You mean to
tell me, boy--"

"Ain't a boy," explained Tommy.  "I'm a girl!"

She said it sadly.  Deeming her new friends such as could be trusted,
Tommy had accepted their statement that she really was a girl.  But for
many a long year to come the thought of her lost manhood tinged her voice
with bitterness.

"A girl!"

Tommy nodded her head.

"Umph!" said the Prince; "I have heard a good deal about the English
girl.  I was beginning to think it exaggerated.  Stand up."

Tommy obeyed.  It was not altogether her way; but with those eyes beneath
their shaggy brows bent upon her, it seemed the simplest thing to do.

"So.  And now that you are here, what do you want?"

"To interview you."

Tommy drew forth her list of questions.

The shaggy brows contracted.

"Who put you up to this absurdity?  Who was it?  Tell me at once."

"Nobody."

"Don't lie to me.  His name?"

The terrible, small eyes flashed fire.  But Tommy also had a pair of
eyes.  Before their blaze of indignation the great man positively
quailed.  This type of opponent was new to him.

"I'm not lying."

"I beg your pardon," said the Prince.

And at this point it occurred to the Prince, who being really a great
man, had naturally a sense of humour, that a conference conducted on
these lines between the leading statesman of an Empire and an impertinent
hussy of, say, twelve years old at the outside, might end by becoming
ridiculous.  So the Prince took up his chair and put it down again beside
Tommy's, and employing skilfully his undoubted diplomatic gifts, drew
from her bit by bit the whole story.

"I'm inclined, Miss Jane," said the Great Man, the story ended, "to agree
with our friend Mr. Hope.  I should say your _metier_ was journalism."

"And you'll let me interview you?" asked Tommy, showing her white teeth.

The Great Man, laying a hand heavier than he guessed on Tommy's shoulder,
rose.  "I think you are entitled to it."

"What's your views?" demanded Tommy, reading, "of the future political
and social relationships--"

"Perhaps," suggested the Great Man, "it will be simpler if I write it
myself."

"Well," concurred Tommy; "my spelling is a bit rocky."

The Great Man drew a chair to the table.

"You won't miss out anything--will you?" insisted Tommy.

"I shall endeavour, Miss Jane, to give you no cause for complaint,"
gravely he assured her, and sat down to write.

Not till the train began to slacken speed had the Prince finished.  Then,
blotting and refolding the paper, he stood up.

"I have added some instructions on the back of the last page," explained
the Prince, "to which you will draw Mr. Hope's particular attention.  I
would wish you to promise me, Miss Jane, never again to have recourse to
dangerous acrobatic tricks, not even in the sacred cause of journalism."

"Of course, if you hadn't been so jolly difficult to get at--"

"My fault, I know," agreed the Prince.  "There is not the least doubt as
to which sex you belong to.  Nevertheless, I want you to promise me.
Come," urged the Prince, "I have done a good deal for you--more than you
know."

"All right," consented Tommy a little sulkily.  Tommy hated making
promises, because she always kept them.  "I promise."

"There is your Interview."  The first Southampton platform lamp shone in
upon the Prince and Tommy as they stood facing one another.  The Prince,
who had acquired the reputation, not altogether unjustly, of an
ill-tempered and savage old gentleman, did a strange thing: taking the
little, blood-smeared face between his paws, he kissed it.  Tommy always
remembered the smoky flavour of the bristly grey moustache.

"One thing more," said the Prince sternly--"not a word of all this.  Don't
open your mouth to speak of it till you are back in Gough Square."

"Do you take me for a mug?" answered Tommy.

They behaved very oddly to Tommy after the Prince had disappeared.
Everybody took a deal of trouble for her, but none of them seemed to know
why they were doing it.  They looked at her and went away, and came again
and looked at her.  And the more they thought about it, the more puzzled
they became.  Some of them asked her questions, but what Tommy really
didn't know, added to what she didn't mean to tell, was so prodigious
that Curiosity itself paled at contemplation of it.

They washed and brushed her up and gave her an excellent supper; and
putting her into a first-class compartment labelled "Reserved," sent her
back to Waterloo, and thence in a cab to Gough Square, where she arrived
about midnight, suffering from a sense of self-importance, traces of
which to this day are still discernible.

Such and thus was the beginning of all things.  Tommy, having talked for
half an hour at the rate of two hundred words a minute, had suddenly
dropped her head upon the table, had been aroused with difficulty and
persuaded to go to bed.  Peter, in the deep easy-chair before the fire,
sat long into the night.  Elizabeth, liking quiet company, purred softly.
Out of the shadows crept to Peter Hope an old forgotten dream--the dream
of a wonderful new Journal, price one penny weekly, of which the Editor
should come to be one Thomas Hope, son of Peter Hope, its honoured
Founder and Originator: a powerful Journal that should supply a long-felt
want, popular, but at the same time elevating--a pleasure to the public,
a profit to its owners.  "Do you not remember me?" whispered the Dream.
"We had long talks together.  The morning and the noonday pass.  The
evening still is ours.  The twilight also brings its promise."

Elizabeth stopped purring and looked up surprised.  Peter was laughing to
himself.




STORY THE SECOND--William Clodd appoints himself Managing Director


Mrs. Postwhistle sat on a Windsor-chair in the centre of Rolls Court.
Mrs. Postwhistle, who, in the days of her Hebehood, had been likened by
admiring frequenters of the old Mitre in Chancery Lane to the ladies,
somewhat emaciated, that an English artist, since become famous, was then
commencing to popularise, had developed with the passing years, yet still
retained a face of placid youthfulness.  The two facts, taken in
conjunction, had resulted in an asset to her income not to be despised.
The wanderer through Rolls Court this summer's afternoon, presuming him
to be familiar with current journalism, would have retired haunted by the
sense that the restful-looking lady on the Windsor-chair was someone that
he ought to know.  Glancing through almost any illustrated paper of the
period, the problem would have been solved for him.  A photograph of Mrs.
Postwhistle, taken quite recently, he would have encountered with this
legend: "_Before_ use of Professor Hardtop's certain cure for
corpulency."  Beside it a photograph of Mrs. Postwhistle, then Arabella
Higgins, taken twenty years ago, the legend slightly varied: "_After_
use," etc.  The face was the same, the figure--there was no denying
it--had undergone decided alteration.

Mrs. Postwhistle had reached with her chair the centre of Rolls Court in
course of following the sun.  The little shop, over the lintel of which
ran: "Timothy Postwhistle, Grocer and Provision Merchant," she had left
behind her in the shadow.  Old inhabitants of St. Dunstan-in-the-West
retained recollection of a gentlemanly figure, always in a very gorgeous
waistcoat, with Dundreary whiskers, to be seen occasionally there behind
the counter.  All customers it would refer, with the air of a Lord High
Chamberlain introducing _debutantes_, to Mrs. Postwhistle, evidently
regarding itself purely as ornamental.  For the last ten years, however,
no one had noticed it there, and Mrs. Postwhistle had a facility
amounting almost to genius for ignoring or misunderstanding questions it
was not to her taste to answer.  Most things were suspected, nothing
known.  St. Dunstan-in-the-West had turned to other problems.

"If I wasn't wanting to see 'im," remarked to herself Mrs. Postwhistle,
who was knitting with one eye upon the shop, "'e'd a been 'ere 'fore I'd
'ad time to clear the dinner things away; certain to 'ave been.  It's a
strange world."

Mrs. Postwhistle was desirous for the arrival of a gentleman not usually
awaited with impatience by the ladies of Rolls Court--to wit, one William
Clodd, rent-collector, whose day for St. Dunstan-in-the-West was Tuesday.

"At last," said Mrs. Postwhistle, though without hope that Mr. Clodd, who
had just appeared at the other end of the court, could possibly hear her.
"Was beginning to be afraid as you'd tumbled over yerself in your 'urry
and 'urt yerself."

Mr. Clodd, perceiving Mrs. Postwhistle, decided to abandon method and
take No. 7 first.

Mr. Clodd was a short, thick-set, bullet-headed young man, with ways that
were bustling, and eyes that, though kind, suggested trickiness.

"Ah!" said Mr. Clodd admiringly, as he pocketed the six half-crowns that
the lady handed up to him.  "If only they were all like you, Mrs.
Postwhistle!"

"Wouldn't be no need of chaps like you to worry 'em," pointed out Mrs.
Postwhistle.

"It's an irony of fate, my being a rent-collector, when you come to think
of it," remarked Mr. Clodd, writing out the receipt.  "If I had my way,
I'd put an end to landlordism, root and branch.  Curse of the country."

"Just the very thing I wanted to talk to you about," returned the
lady--"that lodger o' mine."

"Ah! don't pay, don't he?  You just hand him over to me.  I'll soon have
it out of him."

"It's not that," explained Mrs. Postwhistle.  "If a Saturday morning
'appened to come round as 'e didn't pay up without me asking, I should
know I'd made a mistake--that it must be Friday.  If I don't 'appen to be
in at 'alf-past ten, 'e puts it in an envelope and leaves it on the
table."

"Wonder if his mother has got any more like him?" mused Mr. Clodd.  "Could
do with a few about this neighbourhood.  What is it you want to say about
him, then?  Merely to brag about him?"

"I wanted to ask you," continued Mrs. Postwhistle, "'ow I could get rid
of 'im.  It was rather a curious agreement."

"Why do you want to get rid of him?  Too noisy?"

"Noisy!  Why, the cat makes more noise about the 'ouse than 'e does.  'E'd
make 'is fortune as a burglar."

"Come home late?"

"Never known 'im out after the shutters are up."

"Gives you too much trouble then?"

"I can't say that of 'im.  Never know whether 'e's in the 'ouse or isn't,
without going upstairs and knocking at the door."

"Here, you tell it your own way," suggested the bewildered Clodd.  "If it
was anyone else but you, I should say you didn't know your own business."

"'E gets on my nerves," said Mrs. Postwhistle.  "You ain't in a 'urry for
five minutes?"

Mr. Clodd was always in a hurry.  "But I can forget it talking to you,"
added the gallant Mr. Clodd.

Mrs. Postwhistle led the way into the little parlour.

"Just the name of it," consented Mr. Clodd.  "Cheerfulness combined with
temperance; that's the ideal."

"I'll tell you what 'appened only last night," commenced Mrs.
Postwhistle, seating herself the opposite side of the loo-table.  "A
letter came for 'im by the seven o'clock post.  I'd seen 'im go out two
hours before, and though I'd been sitting in the shop the whole blessed
time, I never saw or 'eard 'im pass through.  E's like that.  It's like
'aving a ghost for a lodger.  I opened 'is door without knocking and went
in.  If you'll believe me, 'e was clinging with 'is arms and legs to the
top of the bedstead--it's one of those old-fashioned, four-post
things--'is 'ead touching the ceiling.  'E 'adn't got too much clothes
on, and was cracking nuts with 'is teeth and eating 'em.  'E threw a
'andful of shells at me, and making the most awful faces at me, started
off gibbering softly to himself."

"All play, I suppose?  No real vice?" commented the interested Mr. Clodd.

"It will go on for a week, that will," continued Mrs. Postwhistle--"'e
fancying 'imself a monkey.  Last week he was a tortoise, and was crawling
about on his stomach with a tea-tray tied on to 'is back.  'E's as
sensible as most men, if that's saying much, the moment 'e's outside the
front door; but in the 'ouse--well, I suppose the fact is that 'e's a
lunatic."

"Don't seem no hiding anything from you," Mrs. Postwhistle remarked Mr.
Clodd in tones of admiration.  "Does he ever get violent?"

"Don't know what 'e would be like if 'e 'appened to fancy 'imself
something really dangerous," answered Mrs. Postwhistle.  "I am a bit
nervous of this new monkey game, I don't mind confessing to you--the
things that they do according to the picture-books.  Up to now, except
for imagining 'imself a mole, and taking all his meals underneath the
carpet, it's been mostly birds and cats and 'armless sort o' things I
'aven't seemed to mind so much."

"How did you get hold of him?" demanded Mr. Clodd.  "Have much trouble in
finding him, or did somebody come and tell you about him?"

"Old Gladman, of Chancery Lane, the law stationer, brought 'im 'ere one
evening about two months ago--said 'e was a sort of distant relative of
'is, a bit soft in the 'ead, but perfectly 'armless--wanted to put 'im
with someone who wouldn't impose on 'im.  Well, what between 'aving been
empty for over five weeks, the poor old gaby 'imself looking as gentle as
a lamb, and the figure being reasonable, I rather jumped at the idea; and
old Gladman, explaining as 'ow 'e wanted the thing settled and done with,
got me to sign a letter."

"Kept a copy of it?" asked the business-like Clodd.

"No.  But I can remember what it was.  Gladman 'ad it all ready.  So long
as the money was paid punctual and 'e didn't make no disturbance and
didn't fall sick, I was to go on boarding and lodging 'im for seventeen-
and-sixpence a week.  It didn't strike me as anything to be objected to
at the time; but 'e payin' regular, as I've explained to you, and
be'aving, so far as disturbance is concerned, more like a Christian
martyr than a man, well, it looks to me as if I'd got to live and die
with 'im."

"Give him rope, and possibly he'll have a week at being a howling hyaena,
or a laughing jackass, or something of that sort that will lead to a
disturbance," thought Mr. Clodd, "in which case, of course, you would
have your remedy."

"Yes," thought Mrs. Postwhistle, "and possibly also 'e may take it into
what 'e calls is 'ead to be a tiger or a bull, and then perhaps before
'e's through with it I'll be beyond the reach of remedies."

"Leave it to me," said Mr. Clodd, rising and searching for his hat.  "I
know old Gladman; I'll have a talk with him."

"You might get a look at that letter if you can," suggested Mrs.
Postwhistle, "and tell me what you think about it.  I don't want to spend
the rest of my days in a lunatic asylum of my own if I can 'elp it."

"You leave it to me," was Mr. Clodd's parting assurance.

The July moon had thrown a silver veil over the grimness of Rolls Court
when, five hours later, Mr. Clodd's nailed boots echoed again upon its
uneven pavement; but Mr. Clodd had no eye for moon or stars or such-like;
always he had things more important to think of.

"Seen the old 'umbug?" asked Mrs. Postwhistle, who was partial to the
air, leading the way into the parlour.

"First and foremost commenced," Mr. Clodd, as he laid aside his hat, "it
is quite understood that you really do want to get rid of him?  What's
that?" demanded Mr. Clodd, a heavy thud upon the floor above having
caused him to start out of his chair.

"'E came in an hour after you'd gone," explained Mrs. Postwhistle,
"bringing with him a curtain pole as 'e'd picked up for a shilling in
Clare Market.  'E's rested one end upon the mantelpiece and tied the
other to the back of the easy-chair--'is idea is to twine 'imself round
it and go to sleep upon it.  Yes, you've got it quite right without a
single blunder.  I do want to get rid of 'im."

"Then," said Mr. Clodd, reseating himself, "it can be done."

"Thank God for that!" was Mrs. Postwhistle's pious ejaculation.

"It is just as I thought," continued Mr. Clodd.  "The old innocent--he's
Gladman's brother-in-law, by the way--has got a small annuity.  I
couldn't get the actual figure, but I guess it's about sufficient to pay
for his keep and leave old Gladman, who is running him, a very decent
profit.  They don't want to send him to an asylum.  They can't say he's a
pauper, and to put him into a private establishment would swallow up,
most likely, the whole of his income.  On the other hand, they don't want
the bother of looking after him themselves.  I talked pretty straight to
the old man--let him see I understood the business; and--well, to cut a
long story short, I'm willing to take on the job, provided you really
want to have done with it, and Gladman is willing in that case to let you
off your contract."

Mrs. Postwhistle went to the cupboard to get Mr. Clodd a drink.  Another
thud upon the floor above--one suggestive of exceptional velocity--arrived
at the precise moment when Mrs. Postwhistle, the tumbler level with her
eye, was in the act of measuring.

"I call this making a disturbance," said Mrs. Postwhistle, regarding the
broken fragments.

"It's only for another night," comforted her Mr. Clodd.  "I'll take him
away some time to-morrow.  Meanwhile, if I were you, I should spread a
mattress underneath that perch of his before I went to bed.  I should
like him handed over to me in reasonable repair."

"It will deaden the sound a bit, any'ow," agreed Mrs. Postwhistle.

"Success to temperance," drank Mr. Clodd, and rose to go.

"I take it you've fixed things up all right for yourself," said Mrs.
Postwhistle; "and nobody can blame you if you 'ave.  'Eaven bless you, is
what I say."

"We shall get on together," prophesied Mr. Clodd.  "I'm fond of animals."

Early the next morning a four-wheeled cab drew up at the entrance to
Rolls Court, and in it and upon it went away Clodd and Clodd's Lunatic
(as afterwards he came to be known), together with all the belongings of
Clodd's Lunatic, the curtain-pole included; and there appeared again
behind the fanlight of the little grocer's shop the intimation: "Lodgings
for a Single Man," which caught the eye a few days later of a
weird-looking, lanky, rawboned laddie, whose language Mrs. Postwhistle
found difficulty for a time in comprehending; and that is why one
sometimes meets to-day worshippers of Kail Yard literature wandering
disconsolately about St. Dunstan-in-the-West, seeking Rolls Court,
discomforted because it is no more.  But that is the history of the "Wee
Laddie," and this of the beginnings of William Clodd, now Sir William
Clodd, Bart., M.P., proprietor of a quarter of a hundred newspapers,
magazines, and journals: "Truthful Billy" we called him then.

No one can say of Clodd that he did not deserve whatever profit his
unlicensed lunatic asylum may have brought him.  A kindly man was William
Clodd when indulgence in sentiment did not interfere with business.

"There's no harm in him," asserted Mr. Clodd, talking the matter over
with one Mr. Peter Hope, journalist, of Gough Square.  "He's just a bit
dotty, same as you or I might get with nothing to do and all day long to
do it in.  Kid's play, that's all it is.  The best plan, I find, is to
treat it as a game and take a hand in it.  Last week he wanted to be a
lion.  I could see that was going to be awkward, he roaring for raw meat
and thinking to prowl about the house at night.  Well, I didn't nag
him--that's no good.  I just got a gun and shot him.  He's a duck now,
and I'm trying to keep him one: sits for an hour beside his bath on three
china eggs I've bought him.  Wish some of the sane ones were as little
trouble."

The summer came again.  Clodd and his Lunatic, a mild-looking little old
gentleman of somewhat clerical cut, one often met with arm-in-arm,
bustling about the streets and courts that were the scene of Clodd's rent-
collecting labours.  Their evident attachment to one another was
curiously displayed; Clodd, the young and red-haired, treating his white-
haired, withered companion with fatherly indulgence; the other glancing
up from time to time into Clodd's face with a winning expression of
infantile affection.

"We are getting much better," explained Clodd, the pair meeting Peter
Hope one day at the corner of Newcastle Street.  "The more we are out in
the open air, and the more we have to do and think about, the better for
us--eh?"

The mild-looking little old gentleman hanging on Clodd's arm smiled and
nodded.

"Between ourselves," added Mr. Clodd, sinking his voice, "we are not half
as foolish as folks think we are."

Peter Hope went his way down the Strand.

"Clodd's a good sort--a good sort," said Peter Hope, who, having in his
time lived much alone, had fallen into the habit of speaking his thoughts
aloud; "but he's not the man to waste his time.  I wonder."

With the winter Clodd's Lunatic fell ill.

Clodd bustled round to Chancery Lane.

"To tell you the truth," confessed Mr. Gladman, "we never thought he
would live so long as he has."

"There's the annuity you've got to think of," said Clodd, whom his
admirers of to-day (and they are many, for he must be a millionaire by
this time) are fond of alluding to as "that frank, outspoken Englishman."
"Wouldn't it be worth your while to try what taking him away from the
fogs might do for him?"

Old Gladman seemed inclined to consider the question, but Mrs. Gladman, a
brisk, cheerful little woman, had made up her mind.

"We've had what there is to have," said Mrs. Gladman.  "He's
seventy-three.  What's the sense of risking good money?  Be content."

No one could say--no one ever did say--that Clodd, under the
circumstances, did not do his best.  Perhaps, after all, nothing could
have helped.  The little old gentleman, at Clodd's suggestion, played at
being a dormouse and lay very still.  If he grew restless, thereby
bringing on his cough, Clodd, as a terrible black cat, was watching to
pounce upon him.  Only by keeping very quiet and artfully pretending to
be asleep could he hope to escape the ruthless Clodd.

Doctor William Smith (ne Wilhelm Schmidt) shrugged his fat shoulders.  "We
can do noding.  Dese fogs of ours: id is de one ting dat enables the
foreigner to crow over us.  Keep him quiet.  De dormouse--id is a goot
idea."

That evening William Clodd mounted to the second floor of 16, Gough
Square, where dwelt his friend, Peter Hope, and knocked briskly at the
door.

"Come in," said a decided voice, which was not Peter Hope's.

Mr. William Clodd's ambition was, and always had been, to be the owner or
part-owner of a paper.  To-day, as I have said, he owns a quarter of a
hundred, and is in negotiation, so rumour goes, for seven more.  But
twenty years ago "Clodd and Co., Limited," was but in embryo.  And Peter
Hope, journalist, had likewise and for many a long year cherished the
ambition to be, before he died, the owner or part-owner of a paper.  Peter
Hope to-day owns nothing, except perhaps the knowledge, if such things be
permitted, that whenever and wherever his name is mentioned, kind
thoughts arise unbidden--that someone of the party will surely say: "Dear
old Peter!  What a good fellow he was!"  Which also may be in its way a
valuable possession: who knows?  But twenty years ago Peter's horizon was
limited by Fleet Street.

Peter Hope was forty-seven, so he said, a dreamer and a scholar.  William
Clodd was three-and-twenty, a born hustler, very wide awake.  Meeting one
day by accident upon an omnibus, when Clodd lent Peter, who had come out
without his purse, threepence to pay his fare with; drifting into
acquaintanceship, each had come to acquire a liking and respect for the
other.  The dreamer thought with wonder of Clodd's shrewd practicability;
the cute young man of business was lost in admiration of what seemed to
him his old friend's marvellous learning.  Both had arrived at the
conclusion that a weekly journal with Peter Hope as editor, and William
Clodd as manager, would be bound to be successful.

"If only we could scrape together a thousand pounds!" had sighed Peter.

"The moment we lay our hands upon the coin, we'll start that paper.
Remember, it's a bargain," had answered William Clodd.

Mr. William Clodd turned the handle and walked in.  With the door still
in his hand he paused to look round the room.  It was the first time he
had seen it.  His meetings hitherto with Peter Hope had been chance
_rencontres_ in street or restaurant.  Always had he been curious to view
the sanctuary of so much erudition.

A large, oak-panelled room, its three high windows, each with a low,
cushioned seat beneath it, giving on to Gough Square.  Thirty-five years
before, Peter Hope, then a young dandy with side whiskers close-cropped
and terminating just below the ear; with wavy, brown hair, giving to his
fresh-complexioned face an appearance almost girlish; in cut-away blue
coat, flowered waistcoat, black silk cravat secured by two gold pins
chained together, and tightly strapped grey trouserings, had, aided and
abetted by a fragile little lady in crinoline and much-flounced skirt,
and bodice somewhat low, with corkscrew curls each movement of her head
set ringing, planned and furnished it in accordance with the sober canons
then in vogue, spending thereupon more than they should, as is to be
expected from the young to whom the future promises all things.  The fine
Brussels carpet!  A little too bright, had thought the shaking curls.
"The colours will tone down, miss--ma'am."  The shopman knew.  Only by
the help of the round island underneath the massive Empire table, by
excursions into untrodden corners, could Peter recollect the rainbow
floor his feet had pressed when he was twenty-one.  The noble bookcase,
surmounted by Minerva's bust.  Really it was too expensive.  But the
nodding curls had been so obstinate.  Peter's silly books and papers must
be put away in order; the curls did not intend to permit any excuse for
untidiness.  So, too, the handsome, brass-bound desk; it must be worthy
of the beautiful thoughts Peter would pen upon it.  The great sideboard,
supported by two such angry-looking mahogany lions; it must be strong to
support the weight of silver clever Peter would one day purchase to place
upon it.  The few oil paintings in their heavy frames.  A solidly
furnished, sober apartment; about it that subtle atmosphere of dignity
one finds but in old rooms long undisturbed, where one seems to read upon
the walls: "I, Joy and Sorrow, twain in one, have dwelt here."  One item
only there was that seemed out of place among its grave surroundings--a
guitar, hanging from the wall, ornamented with a ridiculous blue bow,
somewhat faded.

"Mr. William Clodd?" demanded the decided voice.

Clodd started and closed the door.

"Guessed it in once," admitted Mr. Clodd.

"I thought so," said the decided voice.  "We got your note this
afternoon.  Mr. Hope will be back at eight.  Will you kindly hang up your
hat and coat in the hall?  You will find a box of cigars on the
mantelpiece.  Excuse my being busy.  I must finish this, then I'll talk
to you."

The owner of the decided voice went on writing.  Clodd, having done as he
was bid, sat himself in the easy-chair before the fire and smoked.  Of
the person behind the desk Mr. Clodd could see but the head and
shoulders.  It had black, curly hair, cut short.  It's only garment
visible below the white collar and red tie might have been a boy's jacket
designed more like a girl's, or a girl's designed more like a boy's;
partaking of the genius of English statesmanship, it appeared to be a
compromise.  Mr. Clodd remarked the long, drooping lashes over the
bright, black eyes.

"It's a girl," said Mr. Clodd to himself; "rather a pretty girl."

Mr. Clodd, continuing downward, arrived at the nose.

"No," said Mr. Clodd to himself, "it's a boy--a cheeky young beggar, I
should say."

The person at the desk, giving a grunt of satisfaction, gathered together
sheets of manuscript and arranged them; then, resting its elbows on the
desk and taking its head between its hands, regarded Mr. Clodd.

"Don't you hurry yourself," said Mr. Clodd; "but when you really have
finished, tell me what you think of me."

"I beg your pardon," apologised the person at the desk.  "I have got into
a habit of staring at people.  I know it's rude.  I'm trying to break
myself of it."

"Tell me your name," suggested Mr. Clodd, "and I'll forgive you."

"Tommy," was the answer--"I mean Jane."

"Make up your mind," advised Mr. Clodd; "don't let me influence you.  I
only want the truth."

"You see," explained the person at the desk, "everybody calls me Tommy,
because that used to be my name.  But now it's Jane."

"I see," said Mr. Clodd.  "And which am I to call you?"

The person at the desk pondered.  "Well, if this scheme you and Mr. Hope
have been talking about really comes to anything, we shall be a good deal
thrown together, you see, and then I expect you'll call me Tommy--most
people do."

"You've heard about the scheme?  Mr. Hope has told you?"

"Why, of course," replied Tommy.  "I'm Mr. Hope's devil."

For the moment Clodd doubted whether his old friend had not started a
rival establishment to his own.

"I help him in his work," Tommy relieved his mind by explaining.  "In
journalistic circles we call it devilling."

"I understand," said Mr. Clodd.  "And what do you think, Tommy, of the
scheme?  I may as well start calling you Tommy, because, between you and
me, I think the idea will come to something."

Tommy fixed her black eyes upon him.  She seemed to be looking him right
through.

"You are staring again, Tommy," Clodd reminded her.  "You'll have trouble
breaking yourself of that habit, I can see."

"I was trying to make up my mind about you.  Everything depends upon the
business man."

"Glad to hear you say so," replied the self-satisfied Clodd.

"If you are very clever--Do you mind coming nearer to the lamp?  I can't
quite see you over there."

Clodd never could understand why he did it--never could understand why,
from first to last, he always did what Tommy wished him to do; his only
consolation being that other folks seemed just as helpless.  He rose and,
crossing the long room, stood at attention before the large desk,
nervousness, to which he was somewhat of a stranger, taking possession of
him.

"You don't _look_ very clever."

Clodd experienced another new sensation--that of falling in his own
estimation.

"And yet one can see that you _are_ clever."

The mercury of Clodd's conceit shot upward to a point that in the case of
anyone less physically robust might have been dangerous to health.

Clodd held out his hand.  "We'll pull it through, Tommy.  The Guv'nor
shall find the literature; you and I will make it go.  I like you."

And Peter Hope, entering at the moment, caught a spark from the light
that shone in the eyes of William Clodd and Tommy, whose other name was
Jane, as, gripping hands, they stood with the desk between them, laughing
they knew not why.  And the years fell from old Peter, and, again a boy,
he also laughed he knew not why.  He had sipped from the wine-cup of
youth.

"It's all settled, Guv'nor!" cried Clodd.  "Tommy and I have fixed things
up.  We'll start with the New Year."

"You've got the money?"

"I'm reckoning on it.  I don't see very well how I can miss it."

"Sufficient?"

"Just about.  You get to work."

"I've saved a little," began Peter.  "It ought to have been more, but
somehow it isn't."

"Perhaps we shall want it," Clodd replied; "perhaps we shan't.  You are
supplying the brains."

The three for a few moments remained silent.

"I think, Tommy," said Peter, "I think a bottle of the old Madeira--"

"Not to-night," said Clodd; "next time."

"To drink success," urged Peter.

"One man's success generally means some other poor devil's misfortune,"
answered Clodd.

"Can't be helped, of course, but don't want to think about it to-night.
Must be getting back to my dormouse.  Good night."

Clodd shook hands and bustled out.

"I thought as much," mused Peter aloud.

"What an odd mixture the man is!  Kind--no one could have been kinder to
the poor old fellow.  Yet all the while--We are an odd mixture, Tommy,"
said Peter Hope, "an odd mixture, we men and women."  Peter was a
philosopher.

The white-whiskered old dormouse soon coughed himself to sleep for ever.

"I shall want you and the missis to come to the funeral, Gladman," said
Mr. Clodd, as he swung into the stationer's shop; "and bring Pincer with
you.  I'm writing to him."

"Don't see what good we can do," demurred Gladman.

"Well, you three are his only relatives; it's only decent you should be
present," urged Clodd.  "Besides, there's the will to be read.  You may
care to hear it."

The dry old law stationer opened wide his watery eyes.

"His will!  Why, what had he got to leave?  There was nothing but the
annuity."

"You turn up at the funeral," Clodd told him, "and you'll learn all about
it.  Bonner's clerk will be there and will bring it with him.  Everything
is going to be done _comme il faut_, as the French say."

"I ought to have known of this," began Mr. Gladman.

"Glad to find you taking so much interest in the old chap," said Clodd.
"Pity he's dead and can't thank you."

"I warn you," shouted old Gladman, whose voice was rising to a scream,
"he was a helpless imbecile, incapable of acting for himself!  If any
undue influence--"

"See you on Friday," broke in Clodd, who was busy.

Friday's ceremony was not a sociable affair.  Mrs. Gladman spoke
occasionally in a shrill whisper to Mr. Gladman, who replied with grunts.
Both employed the remainder of their time in scowling at Clodd.  Mr.
Pincer, a stout, heavy gentleman connected with the House of Commons,
maintained a ministerial reserve.  The undertaker's foreman expressed
himself as thankful when it was over.  He criticised it as the humpiest
funeral he had ever known; for a time he had serious thoughts of changing
his profession.

The solicitor's clerk was waiting for the party on its return from Kensal
Green.  Clodd again offered hospitality.  Mr. Pincer this time allowed
himself a glass of weak whisky-and-water, and sipped it with an air of
doing so without prejudice.  The clerk had one a little stronger, Mrs.
Gladman, dispensing with consultation, declined shrilly for self and
partner.  Clodd, explaining that he always followed legal precedent,
mixed himself one also and drank "To our next happy meeting."  Then the
clerk read.

It was a short and simple will, dated the previous August.  It appeared
that the old gentleman, unknown to his relatives, had died possessed of
shares in a silver mine, once despaired of, now prospering.  Taking them
at present value, they would produce a sum well over two thousand pounds.
The old gentleman had bequeathed five hundred pounds to his brother-in-
law, Mr. Gladman; five hundred pounds to his only other living relative,
his first cousin, Mr. Pincer; the residue to his friend, William Clodd,
as a return for the many kindnesses that gentleman had shown him.

Mr. Gladman rose, more amused than angry.

"And you think you are going to pocket that one thousand to twelve
hundred pounds.  You really do?" he asked Mr. Clodd, who, with legs
stretched out before him, sat with his hands deep in his trousers
pockets.

"That's the idea," admitted Mr. Clodd.

Mr. Gladman laughed, but without much lightening the atmosphere.  "Upon
my word, Clodd, you amuse me--you quite amuse me," repeated Mr. Gladman.

"You always had a sense of humour," commented Mr. Clodd.

"You villain!  You double-dyed villain!" screamed Mr. Gladman, suddenly
changing his tone.  "You think the law is going to allow you to swindle
honest men!  You think we are going to sit still for you to rob us!  That
will--"  Mr. Gladman pointed a lank forefinger dramatically towards the
table.

"You mean to dispute it?" inquired Mr. Clodd.

For a moment Mr. Gladman stood aghast at the other's coolness, but soon
found his voice again.

"Dispute it!" he shrieked.  "Do you dispute that you influenced
him?--dictated it to him word for word, made the poor old helpless idiot
sign it, he utterly incapable of even understanding--"

"Don't chatter so much," interrupted Mr. Clodd.  "It's not a pretty
voice, yours.  What I asked you was, do you intend to dispute it?"

"If you will kindly excuse us," struck in Mrs. Gladman, addressing Mr.
Clodd with an air of much politeness, "we shall just have time, if we go
now, to catch our solicitor before he leaves his office."

Mr. Gladman took up his hat from underneath his chair.

"One moment," suggested Mr. Clodd.  "I did influence him to make that
will.  If you don't like it, there's an end of it."

"Of course," commenced Mr. Gladman in a mollified tone.

"Sit down," suggested Mr. Clodd.  "Let's try another one."  Mr. Clodd
turned to the clerk.  "The previous one, Mr. Wright, if you please; the
one dated June the 10th."

An equally short and simple document, it bequeathed three hundred pounds
to Mr. William Clodd in acknowledgment of kindnesses received, the
residue to the Royal Zoological Society of London, the deceased having
been always interested in and fond of animals.  The relatives, "Who have
never shown me the slightest affection or given themselves the slightest
trouble concerning me, and who have already received considerable sums
out of my income," being by name excluded.

"I may mention," observed Mr. Clodd, no one else appearing inclined to
break the silence, "that in suggesting the Royal Zoological Society to my
poor old friend as a fitting object for his benevolence, I had in mind a
very similar case that occurred five years ago.  A bequest to them was
disputed on the grounds that the testator was of unsound mind.  They had
to take their case to the House of Lords before they finally won it."

"Anyhow," remarked Mr. Gladman, licking his lips, which were dry, "you
won't get anything, Mr. Clodd--no, not even your three-hundred pounds,
clever as you think yourself.  My brother-in-law's money will go to the
lawyers."

Then Mr. Pincer rose and spoke slowly and clearly.  "If there must be a
lunatic connected with our family, which I don't see why there should be,
it seems to me to be you, Nathaniel Gladman."

Mr. Gladman stared back with open mouth.  Mr. Pincer went on
impressively.

"As for my poor old cousin Joe, he had his eccentricities, but that was
all.  I for one am prepared to swear that he was of sound mind in August
last and quite capable of making his own will.  It seems to me that the
other thing, dated in June, is just waste paper."

Mr. Pincer having delivered himself, sat down again.  Mr. Gladman showed
signs of returning language.

"Oh! what's the use of quarrelling?" chirped in cheery Mrs. Gladman.
"It's five hundred pounds we never expected.  Live and let live is what I
always say."

"It's the damned artfulness of the thing," said Mr. Gladman, still very
white about the gills.

"Oh, you have a little something to thaw your face," suggested his wife.

Mr. and Mrs. Gladman, on the strength of the five hundred pounds, went
home in a cab.  Mr. Pincer stayed behind and made a night of it with Mr.
Clodd and Bonner's clerk, at Clodd's expense.

The residue worked out at eleven hundred and sixty-nine pounds and a few
shillings.  The capital of the new company, "established for the purpose
of carrying on the business of newspaper publishers and distributors,
printers, advertising agents, and any other trade and enterprise
affiliated to the same," was one thousand pounds in one pound shares,
fully paid up; of which William Clodd, Esquire, was registered proprietor
of four hundred and sixty-three; Peter Hope, M.A., of 16, Gough Square,
of also four hundred and sixty-three; Miss Jane Hope, adopted daughter of
said Peter Hope (her real name nobody, herself included, ever having
known), and generally called Tommy, of three, paid for by herself after a
battle royal with William Clodd; Mrs. Postwhistle, of Rolls Court, of
ten, presented by the promoter; Mr. Pincer, of the House of Commons, also
of ten (still owing for); Dr. Smith (ne Schmidt) of fifty; James Douglas
Alexander Calder McTear (otherwise the "Wee Laddie"), residing then in
Mrs. Postwhistle's first floor front, of one, paid for by poem published
in the first number: "The Song of the Pen."

Choosing a title for the paper cost much thought.  Driven to despair,
they called it _Good Humour_.




STORY THE THIRD--Grindley Junior drops into the Position of Publisher


Few are the ways of the West Central district that have changed less
within the last half-century than Nevill's Court, leading from Great New
Street into Fetter Lane.  Its north side still consists of the same
quaint row of small low shops that stood there--doing perhaps a little
brisker business--when George the Fourth was King; its southern side of
the same three substantial houses each behind a strip of garden, pleasant
by contrast with surrounding grimness, built long ago--some say before
Queen Anne was dead.

Out of the largest of these, passing through the garden, then well cared
for, came one sunny Sunday morning, some fifteen years before the
commencement proper of this story, one Solomon Appleyard, pushing in
front of him a perambulator.  At the brick wall surmounted by wooden
railings that divides the garden from the court, Solomon paused, hearing
behind him the voice of Mrs. Appleyard speaking from the doorstep.

"If I don't see you again until dinner-time, I'll try and get on without
you, understand.  Don't think of nothing but your pipe and forget the
child.  And be careful of the crossings."

Mrs. Appleyard retired into the darkness.  Solomon, steering the
perambulator carefully, emerged from Nevill's Court without accident.  The
quiet streets drew Solomon westward.  A vacant seat beneath the shade
overlooking the Long Water in Kensington Gardens invited to rest.

"Piper?" suggested a small boy to Solomon.  "_Sunday Times_, _'Server_?"

"My boy," said Mr. Appleyard, speaking slowly, "when you've been mewed up
with newspapers eighteen hours a day for six days a week, you can do
without 'em for a morning.  Take 'em away.  I want to forget the smell of
'em."

Solomon, having assured himself that the party in the perambulator was
still breathing, crossed his legs and lit his pipe.

"Hezekiah!"

The exclamation had been wrung from Solomon Appleyard by the approach of
a stout, short man clad in a remarkably ill-fitting broad-cloth suit.

"What, Sol, my boy?"

"It looked like you," said Solomon.  "And then I said to myself: 'No;
surely it can't be Hezekiah; he'll be at chapel.'"

"You run about," said Hezekiah, addressing a youth of some four summers
he had been leading by the hand.  "Don't you go out of my sight; and
whatever you do, don't you do injury to those new clothes of yours, or
you'll wish you'd never been put into them.  The truth is," continued
Hezekiah to his friend, his sole surviving son and heir being out of
earshot, "the morning tempted me.  'Tain't often I get a bit of fresh
air."

"Doing well?"

"The business," replied Hezekiah, "is going up by leaps and bounds--leaps
and bounds.  But, of course, all that means harder work for me.  It's
from six in the morning till twelve o'clock at night."

"There's nothing I know of," returned Solomon, who was something of a
pessimist, "that's given away free gratis for nothing except misfortune."

"Keeping yourself up to the mark ain't too easy," continued Hezekiah;
"and when it comes to other folks! play's all they think of.  Talk
religion to them--why, they laugh at you!  What the world's coming to, I
don't know.  How's the printing business doing?"

"The printing business," responded the other, removing his pipe and
speaking somewhat sadly, "the printing business looks like being a big
thing.  Capital, of course, is what hampers me--or, rather, the want of
it.  But Janet, she's careful; she don't waste much, Janet don't."

"Now, with Anne," replied Hezekiah, "it's all the other way--pleasure,
gaiety, a day at Rosherville or the Crystal Palace--anything to waste
money."

"Ah! she was always fond of her bit of fun," remembered Solomon.

"Fun!" retorted Hezekiah.  "I like a bit of fun myself.  But not if
you've got to pay for it.  Where's the fun in that?"

"What I ask myself sometimes," said Solomon, looking straight in front of
him, "is what do we do it for?"

"What do we do what for?"

"Work like blessed slaves, depriving ourselves of all enjoyments.  What's
the sense of it?  What--"

A voice from the perambulator beside him broke the thread of Solomon
Appleyard's discourse.  The sole surviving son of Hezekiah Grindley,
seeking distraction and finding none, had crept back unperceived.  A
perambulator!  A thing his experience told him out of which excitement in
some form or another could generally be obtained.  You worried it and
took your chance.  Either it howled, in which case you had to run for
your life, followed--and, unfortunately, overtaken nine times out of
ten--by a whirlwind of vengeance; or it gurgled: in which case the
heavens smiled and halos descended on your head.  In either event you
escaped the deadly ennui that is the result of continuous virtue.  Master
Grindley, his star having pointed out to him a peacock's feather lying on
the ground, had, with one eye upon his unobservant parent, removed the
complicated coverings sheltering Miss Helvetia Appleyard from the world,
and anticipating by a quarter of a century the prime enjoyment of British
youth, had set to work to tickle that lady on the nose.  Miss Helvetia
Appleyard awakened, did precisely what the tickled British maiden of to-
day may be relied upon to do under corresponding circumstances: she first
of all took swift and comprehensive survey of the male thing behind the
feather.  Had he been displeasing in her eyes, she would, one may rely
upon it, have anteceded the behaviour in similar case of her descendant
of to-day--that is to say, have expressed resentment in no uncertain
terms.  Master Nathaniel Grindley proving, however, to her taste, that
which might have been considered impertinence became accepted as a fit
and proper form of introduction.  Miss Appleyard smiled graciously--nay,
further, intimated desire for more.

"That your only one?" asked the paternal Grindley.

"She's the only one," replied Solomon, speaking in tones less
pessimistic.

Miss Appleyard had with the help of Grindley junior wriggled herself into
a sitting posture.  Grindley junior continued his attentions, the lady
indicating by signs the various points at which she was most susceptible.

"Pretty picture they make together, eh?" suggested Hezekiah in a whisper
to his friend.

"Never saw her take to anyone like that before," returned Solomon,
likewise in a whisper.

A neighbouring church clock chimed twelve.  Solomon Appleyard, knocking
the ashes from his pipe, arose.

"Don't know any reason myself why we shouldn't see a little more of one
another than we do," suggested Grindley senior, shaking hands.

"Give us a look-up one Sunday afternoon," suggested Solomon.  "Bring the
youngster with you."

Solomon Appleyard and Hezekiah Grindley had started life within a few
months of one another some five-and-thirty years before.  Likewise within
a few hundred yards of one another, Solomon at his father's bookselling
and printing establishment on the east side of the High Street of a small
Yorkshire town; Hezekiah at his father's grocery shop upon the west side,
opposite.  Both had married farmers' daughters.  Solomon's natural bent
towards gaiety Fate had corrected by directing his affections to a
partner instinct with Yorkshire shrewdness; and with shrewdness go other
qualities that make for success rather than for happiness.  Hezekiah, had
circumstances been equal, might have been his friend's rival for Janet's
capable and saving hand, had not sweet-tempered, laughing Annie
Glossop--directed by Providence to her moral welfare, one must
presume--fallen in love with him.  Between Jane's virtues and Annie's
three hundred golden sovereigns Hezekiah had not hesitated a moment.
Golden sovereigns were solid facts; wifely virtues, by a serious-minded
and strong-willed husband, could be instilled--at all events,
light-heartedness suppressed.  The two men, Hezekiah urged by his own
ambition, Solomon by his wife's, had arrived in London within a year of
one another: Hezekiah to open a grocer's shop in Kensington, which those
who should have known assured him was a hopeless neighbourhood.  But
Hezekiah had the instinct of the money-maker.  Solomon, after looking
about him, had fixed upon the roomy, substantial house in Nevill's Court
as a promising foundation for a printer's business.

That was ten years ago.  The two friends, scorning delights, living
laborious days, had seen but little of one another.  Light-hearted Annie
had borne to her dour partner two children who had died.  Nathaniel
George, with the luck supposed to wait on number three, had lived on,
and, inheriting fortunately the temperament of his mother, had brought
sunshine into the gloomy rooms above the shop in High Street, Kensington.
Mrs. Grindley, grown weak and fretful, had rested from her labours.

Mrs. Appleyard's guardian angel, prudent like his protege, had waited
till Solomon's business was well established before despatching the stork
to Nevill's Court, with a little girl.  Later had sent a boy, who, not
finding the close air of St. Dunstan to his liking, had found his way
back again; thus passing out of this story and all others.  And there
remained to carry on the legend of the Grindleys and the Appleyards only
Nathaniel George, now aged five, and Janet Helvetia, quite a beginner,
who took lift seriously.

There are no such things as facts.  Narrow-minded folk--surveyors,
auctioneers, and such like--would have insisted that the garden between
the old Georgian house and Nevill's Court was a strip of land one hundred
and eighteen feet by ninety-two, containing a laburnum tree, six laurel
bushes, and a dwarf deodora.  To Nathaniel George and Janet Helvetia it
was the land of Thule, "the furthest boundaries of which no man has
reached."  On rainy Sunday afternoons they played in the great, gloomy
pressroom, where silent ogres, standing motionless, stretched out iron
arms to seize them as they ran.  Then just when Nathaniel George was
eight, and Janet Helvetia four and a half, Hezekiah launched the
celebrated "Grindley's Sauce."  It added a relish to chops and steaks,
transformed cold mutton into a luxury, and swelled the head of Hezekiah
Grindley--which was big enough in all conscience as it was--and
shrivelled up his little hard heart.  The Grindleys and the Appleyards
visited no more.  As a sensible fellow ought to have seen for himself, so
thought Hezekiah, the Sauce had altered all things.  The possibility of a
marriage between their children, things having remained equal, might have
been a pretty fancy; but the son of the great Grindley, whose name in
three-foot letters faced the world from every hoarding, would have to
look higher than a printer's daughter.  Solomon, a sudden and vehement
convert to the principles of mediaeval feudalism, would rather see his
only child, granddaughter of the author of _The History of Kettlewell_
and other works, dead and buried than married to a grocer's son, even
though he might inherit a fortune made out of poisoning the public with a
mixture of mustard and sour beer.  It was many years before Nathaniel
George and Janet Helvetia met one another again, and when they did they
had forgotten one another.

* * * * *

Hezekiah S. Grindley, a short, stout, and pompous gentleman, sat under a
palm in the gorgeously furnished drawing-room of his big house at Notting
Hill.  Mrs. Grindley, a thin, faded woman, the despair of her dressmaker,
sat as near to the fire as its massive and imposing copper outworks would
permit, and shivered.  Grindley junior, a fair-haired, well-shaped youth,
with eyes that the other sex found attractive, leant with his hands in
his pockets against a scrupulously robed statue of Diana, and appeared
uncomfortable.

"I'm making the money--making it hand over fist.  All you'll have to do
will be to spend it," Grindley senior was explaining to his son and heir.

"I'll do that all right, dad."

"I'm not so sure of it," was his father's opinion.  "You've got to prove
yourself worthy to spend it.  Don't you think I shall be content to have
slaved all these years merely to provide a brainless young idiot with the
means of self-indulgence.  I leave my money to somebody worthy of me.
Understand, sir?--somebody worthy of me."

Mrs. Grindley commenced a sentence; Mr. Grindley turned his small eyes
upon her.  The sentence remained unfinished.

"You were about to say something," her husband reminded her.

Mrs. Grindley said it was nothing.

"If it is anything worth hearing--if it is anything that will assist the
discussion, let's have it."  Mr. Grindley waited.  "If not, if you
yourself do not consider it worth finishing, why have begun it?"

Mr. Grindley returned to his son and heir.  "You haven't done too well at
school--in fact, your school career has disappointed me."

"I know I'm not clever," Grindley junior offered as an excuse.

"Why not?  Why aren't you clever?"

His son and heir was unable to explain.

"You are my son--why aren't you clever?  It's laziness, sir; sheer
laziness!"

"I'll try and do better at Oxford, sir--honour bright I will!"

"You had better," advised him his father; "because I warn you, your whole
future depends upon it.  You know me.  You've got to be a credit to me,
to be worthy of the name of Grindley--or the name, my boy, is all you'll
have."

Old Grindley meant it, and his son knew that he meant it.  The old
Puritan principles and instincts were strong in the old gentleman--formed,
perhaps, the better part of him.  Idleness was an abomination to him;
devotion to pleasure, other than the pleasure of money-making, a grievous
sin in his eyes.  Grindley junior fully intended to do well at Oxford,
and might have succeeded.  In accusing himself of lack of cleverness, he
did himself an injustice.  He had brains, he had energy, he had
character.  Our virtues can be our stumbling-blocks as well as our vices.
Young Grindley had one admirable virtue that needs, above all others,
careful controlling: he was amiability itself.  Before the charm and
sweetness of it, Oxford snobbishness went down.  The Sauce, against the
earnest counsel of its own advertisement, was forgotten; the pickles
passed by.  To escape the natural result of his popularity would have
needed a stronger will than young Grindley possessed.  For a time the
true state of affairs was hidden from the eye of Grindley senior.  To
"slack" it this term, with the full determination of "swotting" it the
next, is always easy; the difficulty beginning only with the new term.
Possibly with luck young Grindley might have retrieved his position and
covered up the traces of his folly, but for an unfortunate accident.
Returning to college with some other choice spirits at two o'clock in the
morning, it occurred to young Grindley that trouble might be saved all
round by cutting out a pane of glass with a diamond ring and entering his
rooms, which were on the ground-floor, by the window.  That, in mistake
for his own, he should have selected the bedroom of the College Rector
was a misfortune that might have occurred to anyone who had commenced the
evening on champagne and finished it on whisky.  Young Grindley, having
been warned already twice before, was "sent down."  And then, of course,
the whole history of the three wasted years came out.  Old Grindley in
his study chair having talked for half an hour at the top of his voice,
chose, partly by reason of physical necessity, partly by reason of
dormant dramatic instinct, to speak quietly and slowly.

"I'll give you one chance more, my boy, and one only.  I've tried you as
a gentleman--perhaps that was my mistake.  Now I'll try you as a grocer."

"As a what?"

"As a grocer, sir--g-r-o-c-e-r--grocer, a man who stands behind a counter
in a white apron and his shirt-sleeves; who sells tea and sugar and
candied peel and such-like things to customers--old ladies, little girls;
who rises at six in the morning, takes down the shutters, sweeps out the
shop, cleans the windows; who has half an hour for his dinner of corned
beef and bread; who puts up the shutters at ten o'clock at night, tidies
up the shop, has his supper, and goes to bed, feeling his day has not
been wasted.  I meant to spare you.  I was wrong.  You shall go through
the mill as I went through it.  If at the end of two years you've done
well with your time, learned something--learned to be a man, at all
events--you can come to me and thank me."

"I'm afraid, sir," suggested Grindley junior, whose handsome face during
the last few minutes had grown very white, "I might not make a very
satisfactory grocer.  You see, sir, I've had no experience."

"I am glad you have some sense," returned his father drily.  "You are
quite right.  Even a grocer's business requires learning.  It will cost
me a little money; but it will be the last I shall ever spend upon you.
For the first year you will have to be apprenticed, and I shall allow you
something to live on.  It shall be more than I had at your age--we'll say
a pound a week.  After that I shall expect you to keep yourself."

Grindley senior rose.  "You need not give me your answer till the
evening.  You are of age.  I have no control over you unless you are
willing to agree.  You can go my way, or you can go your own."

Young Grindley, who had inherited a good deal of his father's grit, felt
very much inclined to go his own; but, hampered on the other hand by the
sweetness of disposition he had inherited from his mother, was unable to
withstand the argument of that lady's tears, so that evening accepted old
Grindley's terms, asking only as a favour that the scene of his probation
might be in some out-of-the-way neighbourhood where there would be little
chance of his being met by old friends.

"I have thought of all that," answered his father.  "My object isn't to
humiliate you more than is necessary for your good.  The shop I have
already selected, on the assumption that you would submit, is as quiet
and out-of-the-way as you could wish.  It is in a turning off Fetter
Lane, where you'll see few other people than printers and caretakers.
You'll lodge with a woman, a Mrs. Postwhistle, who seems a very sensible
person.  She'll board you and lodge you, and every Saturday you'll
receive a post-office order for six shillings, out of which you'll find
yourself in clothes.  You can take with you sufficient to last you for
the first six months, but no more.  At the end of the year you can change
if you like and go to another shop, or make your own arrangements with
Mrs. Postwhistle.  If all is settled, you go there to-morrow.  You go out
of this house to-morrow in any event."

Mrs. Postwhistle was a large, placid lady of philosophic temperament.
Hitherto the little grocer's shop in Rolls Court, Fetter Lane, had been
easy of management by her own unaided efforts; but the neighbourhood was
rapidly changing.  Other grocers' shops were disappearing one by one,
making way for huge blocks of buildings, where hundreds of iron presses,
singing day and night, spread to the earth the song of the Mighty Pen.
There were hours when the little shop could hardly accommodate its crowd
of customers.  Mrs. Postwhistle, of a bulk not to be moved quickly, had,
after mature consideration, conquering a natural disinclination to
change, decided to seek assistance.

Young Grindley, alighting from a four-wheeled cab in Fetter Lane, marched
up the court, followed by a weak-kneed wastrel staggering under the
weight of a small box.  In the doorway of the little shop, young Grindley
paused and raised his hat.

"Mrs. Postwhistle?"

The lady, from her chair behind the counter, rose slowly.

"I am Mr. Nathaniel Grindley, the new assistant."

The weak-kneed wastrel let fall the box with a thud upon the floor.  Mrs.
Postwhistle looked her new assistant up and down.

"Oh!" said Mrs. Postwhistle.  "Well, I shouldn't 'ave felt instinctively
it must be you, not if I'd 'ad to pick you out of a crowd.  But if you
tell me so, why, I suppose you are.  Come in."

The weak-kneed wastrel, receiving to his astonishment a shilling,
departed.

Grindley senior had selected wisely.  Mrs. Postwhistle's theory was that
although very few people in this world understood their own business,
they understood it better than anyone else could understand it for them.
If handsome, well-educated young gentlemen, who gave shillings to
wastrels, felt they wanted to become smart and capable grocers'
assistants, that was their affair.  Her business was to teach them their
work, and, for her own sake, to see that they did it.  A month went by.
Mrs. Postwhistle found her new assistant hard-working, willing, somewhat
clumsy, but with a smile and a laugh that transformed mistakes, for which
another would have been soundly rated, into welcome variations of the
day's monotony.

"If you were the sort of woman that cared to make your fortune," said one
William Clodd, an old friend of Mrs. Postwhistle's, young Grindley having
descended into the cellar to grind coffee, "I'd tell you what to do.  Take
a bun-shop somewhere in the neighbourhood of a girls' school, and put
that assistant of yours in the window.  You'd do a roaring business."

"There's a mystery about 'im," said Mrs. Postwhistle.

"Know what it is?"

"If I knew what it was, I shouldn't be calling it a mystery," replied
Mrs. Postwhistle, who was a stylist in her way.

"How did you get him?  Win him in a raffle?"

"Jones, the agent, sent 'im to me all in a 'urry.  An assistant is what I
really wanted, not an apprentice; but the premium was good, and the
references everything one could desire."

"Grindley, Grindley," murmured Clodd.  "Any relation to the Sauce, I
wonder?"

"A bit more wholesome, I should say, from the look of him," thought Mrs.
Postwhistle.

The question of a post office to meet its growing need had long been
under discussion by the neighbourhood.  Mrs. Postwhistle was approached
upon the subject.  Grindley junior, eager for anything that might bring
variety into his new, cramped existence, undertook to qualify himself.

Within two months the arrangements were complete.  Grindley junior
divided his time between dispensing groceries and despatching telegrams
and letters, and was grateful for the change.

Grindley junior's mind was fixed upon the fashioning of a cornucopia to
receive a quarter of a pound of moist.  The customer, an extremely young
lady, was seeking to hasten his operations by tapping incessantly with a
penny on the counter.  It did not hurry him; it only worried him.
Grindley junior had not acquired facility in the fashioning of
cornucopias--the vertex would invariably become unrolled at the last
moment, allowing the contents to dribble out on to the floor or counter.
Grindley junior was sweet-tempered as a rule, but when engaged upon the
fashioning of a cornucopia, was irritable.

"Hurry up, old man!" urged the extremely young lady.  "I've got another
appointment in less than half an hour."

"Oh, damn the thing!" said Grindley junior, as the paper for the fourth
time reverted to its original shape.

An older lady, standing behind the extremely young lady and holding a
telegram-form in her hand, looked indignant.

"Temper, temper," remarked the extremely young lady in reproving tone.

The fifth time was more successful.  The extremely young lady went out,
commenting upon the waste of time always resulting when boys were
employed to do the work of men.  The older lady, a haughty person, handed
across her telegram with the request that it should be sent off at once.

Grindley junior took his pencil from his pocket and commenced to count.

"_Digniori_, not _digniorus_," commented Grindley junior, correcting the
word, "_datur digniori_, dative singular."  Grindley junior, still
irritable from the struggle with the cornucopia, spoke sharply.

The haughty lady withdrew her eyes from a spot some ten miles beyond the
back of the shop, where hitherto they had been resting, and fixed them
for the first time upon Grindley junior.

"Thank you," said the haughty lady.

Grindley junior looked up and immediately, to his annoyance, felt that he
was blushing.  Grindley junior blushed easily--it annoyed him very much.

The haughty young lady also blushed.  She did not often blush; when she
did, she felt angry with herself.

"A shilling and a penny," demanded Grindley junior.

The haughty young lady counted out the money and departed.  Grindley
junior, peeping from behind a tin of Abernethy biscuits, noticed that as
she passed the window she turned and looked back.  She was a very pretty,
haughty lady.  Grindley junior rather admired dark, level brows and
finely cut, tremulous lips, especially when combined with a mass of soft,
brown hair, and a rich olive complexion that flushed and paled as one
looked at it.

"Might send that telegram off if you've nothing else to do, and there's
no particular reason for keeping it back," suggested Mrs. Postwhistle.

"It's only just been handed in," explained Grindley junior, somewhat
hurt.

"You've been looking at it for the last five minutes by the clock," said
Mrs. Postwhistle.

Grindley junior sat down to the machine.  The name and address of the
sender was Helvetia Appleyard, Nevill's Court.

Three days passed--singularly empty days they appeared to Grindley
junior.  On the fourth, Helvetia Appleyard had occasion to despatch
another telegram--this time entirely in English.

"One-and-fourpence," sighed Grindley junior.

Miss Appleyard drew forth her purse.  The shop was empty.

"How did you come to know Latin?" inquired Miss Appleyard in quite a
casual tone.

"I picked up a little at school.  It was a phrase I happened to
remember," confessed Grindley junior, wondering why he should be feeling
ashamed of himself.

"I am always sorry," said Miss Appleyard, "when I see anyone content with
the lower life whose talents might, perhaps, fit him for the higher."
Something about the tone and manner of Miss Appleyard reminded Grindley
junior of his former Rector.  Each seemed to have arrived by different
roads at the same philosophical aloofness from the world, tempered by
chastened interest in human phenomena.  "Would you like to try to raise
yourself--to improve yourself--to educate yourself?"

An unseen little rogue, who was enjoying himself immensely, whispered to
Grindley junior to say nothing but "Yes," he should.

"Will you let me help you?" asked Miss Appleyard.  And the simple and
heartfelt gratitude with which Grindley junior closed upon the offer
proved to Miss Appleyard how true it is that to do good to others is the
highest joy.

Miss Appleyard had come prepared for possible acceptance.  "You had
better begin with this," thought Miss Appleyard.  "I have marked the
passages that you should learn by heart.  Make a note of anything you do
not understand, and I will explain it to you when--when next I happen to
be passing."

Grindley junior took the book--_Bell's Introduction to the Study of the
Classics_, _for Use of Beginners_--and held it between both hands.  Its
price was ninepence, but Grindley junior appeared to regard it as a
volume of great value.

"It will be hard work at first," Miss Appleyard warned him; "but you must
persevere.  I have taken an interest in you; you must try not to
disappoint me."

And Miss Appleyard, feeling all the sensations of a Hypatia, departed,
taking light with her and forgetting to pay for the telegram.  Miss
Appleyard belonged to the class that young ladies who pride themselves on
being tiresomely ignorant and foolish sneer at as "blue-stockings"; that
is to say, possessing brains, she had felt the necessity of using them.
Solomon Appleyard, widower, a sensible old gentleman, prospering in the
printing business, and seeing no necessity for a woman regarding herself
as nothing but a doll, a somewhat uninteresting plaything the newness
once worn off, thankfully encouraged her.  Miss Appleyard had returned
from Girton wise in many things, but not in knowledge of the world, which
knowledge, too early acquired, does not always make for good in young man
or woman.  A serious little virgin, Miss Appleyard's ambition was to help
the human race.  What more useful work could have come to her hand than
the raising of this poor but intelligent young grocer's assistant unto
the knowledge and the love of higher things.  That Grindley junior
happened to be an exceedingly good-looking and charming young grocer's
assistant had nothing to do with the matter, so Miss Appleyard would have
informed you.  In her own reasoning she was convinced that her interest
in him would have been the same had he been the least attractive of his
sex.  That there could be danger in such relationship never occurred to
her.

Miss Appleyard, a convinced Radical, could not conceive the possibility
of a grocer's assistant regarding the daughter of a well-to-do printer in
any other light than that of a graciously condescending patron.  That
there could be danger to herself! you would have been sorry you had
suggested the idea.  The expression of lofty scorn would have made you
feel yourself contemptible.

Miss Appleyard's judgment of mankind was justified; no more promising
pupil could have been selected.  It was really marvellous the progress
made by Grindley junior, under the tutelage of Helvetia Appleyard.  His
earnestness, his enthusiasm, it quite touched the heart of Helvetia
Appleyard.  There were many points, it is true, that puzzled Grindley
junior.  Each time the list of them grew longer.  But when Helvetia
Appleyard explained them, all became clear.  She marvelled herself at her
own wisdom, that in a moment made darkness luminous to this young man;
his rapt attention while she talked, it was most encouraging.  The boy
must surely be a genius.  To think that but for her intuition he might
have remained wasted in a grocer's shop!  To rescue such a gem from
oblivion, to polish it, was surely the duty of a conscientious Hypatia.
Two visits--three visits a week to the little shop in Rolls Court were
quite inadequate, so many passages there were requiring elucidation.
London in early morning became their classroom: the great, wide, empty,
silent streets; the mist-curtained parks, the silence broken only by the
blackbirds' amorous whistle, the thrushes' invitation to delight; the old
gardens, hidden behind narrow ways.  Nathaniel George and Janet Helvetia
would rest upon a seat, no living creature within sight, save perhaps a
passing policeman or some dissipated cat.  Janet Helvetia would expound.
Nathaniel George, his fine eyes fixed on hers, seemed never to tire of
drinking in her wisdom.

There were times when Janet Helvetia, to reassure herself as to the
maidenly correctness of her behaviour, had to recall quite forcibly the
fact that she was the daughter of Solomon Appleyard, owner of the big
printing establishment; and he a simple grocer.  One day, raised a little
in the social scale, thanks to her, Nathaniel George would marry someone
in his own rank of life.  Reflecting upon the future of Nathaniel George,
Janet Helvetia could not escape a shade of sadness.  It was difficult to
imagine precisely the wife she would have chosen for Nathaniel George.
She hoped he would do nothing foolish.  Rising young men so often marry
wives that hamper rather than help them.

One Sunday morning in late autumn, they walked and talked in the shady
garden of Lincoln's Inn.  Greek they thought it was they had been
talking; as a matter of fact, a much older language.  A young gardener
was watering flowers, and as they passed him he grinned.  It was not an
offensive grin, rather a sympathetic grin; but Miss Appleyard didn't like
being grinned at.  What was there to grin at?  Her personal appearance?
some _gaucherie_ in her dress?  Impossible.  No lady in all St. Dunstan
was ever more precise.  She glanced at her companion: a clean-looking,
well-groomed, well-dressed youth.  Suddenly it occurred to Miss Appleyard
that she and Grindley junior were holding each other's hand.  Miss
Appleyard was justly indignant.

"How dare you!" said Miss Appleyard.  "I am exceedingly angry with you.
How dare you!"

The olive skin was scarlet.  There were tears in the hazel eyes.

"Leave me this minute!" commanded Miss Appleyard.

Instead of which, Grindley junior seized both her hands.

"I love you!  I adore you!  I worship you!" poured forth young Grindley,
forgetful of all Miss Appleyard had ever told him concerning the folly of
tautology.

"You had no right," said Miss Appleyard.

"I couldn't help it," pleaded young Grindley.  "And that isn't the
worst."

Miss Appleyard paled visibly.  For a grocer's assistant to dare to fall
in love with her, especially after all the trouble she had taken with
him!  What could be worse?

"I'm not a grocer," continued young Grindley, deeply conscious of crime.
"I mean, not a real grocer."

And Grindley junior then and there made a clean breast of the whole sad,
terrible tale of shameless deceit, practised by the greatest villain the
world had ever produced, upon the noblest and most beautiful maiden that
ever turned grim London town into a fairy city of enchanted ways.

Not at first could Miss Appleyard entirely grasp it; not till hours
later, when she sat alone in her own room, where, fortunately for
himself, Grindley junior was not, did the whole force and meaning of the
thing come home to her.  It was a large room, taking up half of the top
story of the big Georgian house in Nevill's Court; but even as it was,
Miss Appleyard felt cramped.

"For a year--for nearly a whole year," said Miss Appleyard, addressing
the bust of William Shakespeare, "have I been slaving my life out,
teaching him elementary Latin and the first five books of Euclid!"

As it has been remarked, it was fortunate for Grindley junior he was out
of reach.  The bust of William Shakespeare maintained its irritating
aspect of benign philosophy.

"I suppose I should," mused Miss Appleyard, "if he had told me at
first--as he ought to have told me--of course I should naturally have had
nothing more to do with him.  I suppose," mused Miss Appleyard, "a man in
love, if he is really in love, doesn't quite know what he's doing.  I
suppose one ought to make allowances.  But, oh! when I think of it--"

And then Grindley junior's guardian angel must surely have slipped into
the room, for Miss Appleyard, irritated beyond endurance at the
philosophical indifference of the bust of William Shakespeare, turned
away from it, and as she did so, caught sight of herself in the looking-
glass.  Miss Appleyard approached the glass a little nearer.  A woman's
hair is never quite as it should be.  Miss Appleyard, standing before the
glass, began, she knew not why, to find reasons excusing Grindley junior.
After all, was not forgiveness an excellent thing in woman?  None of us
are quite perfect.  The guardian angel of Grindley junior seized the
opportunity.

That evening Solomon Appleyard sat upright in his chair, feeling
confused.  So far as he could understand it, a certain young man, a
grocer's assistant, but not a grocer's assistant--but that, of course,
was not his fault, his father being an old brute--had behaved most
abominably; but not, on reflection, as badly as he might have done, and
had acted on the whole very honourably, taking into consideration the
fact that one supposed he could hardly help it.  Helvetia was, of course,
very indignant with him, but on the other hand, did not quite see what
else she could have done, she being not at all sure whether she really
cared for him or whether she didn't; that everything had been quite
proper and would not have happened if she had known it; that everything
was her fault, except most things, which weren't; but that of the two she
blamed herself entirely, seeing that she could not have guessed anything
of the kind.  And did he, Solomon Appleyard, think that she ought to be
very angry and never marry anybody else, or was she justified in
overlooking it and engaging herself to the only man she felt she could
ever love?

"You mustn't think, Dad, that I meant to deceive you.  I should have told
you at the beginning--you know I would--if it hadn't all happened so
suddenly."

"Let me see," said Solomon Appleyard, "did you tell me his name, or
didn't you?"

"Nathaniel," said Miss Appleyard.  "Didn't I mention it?"

"Don't happen to know his surname, do you," inquired her father.

"Grindley," explained Miss Appleyard--"the son of Grindley, the Sauce
man."

Miss Appleyard experienced one of the surprises of her life.  Never
before to her recollection had her father thwarted a single wish of her
life.  A widower for the last twelve years, his chief delight had been to
humour her.  His voice, as he passionately swore that never with his
consent should his daughter marry the son of Hezekiah Grindley, sounded
strange to her.  Pleadings, even tears, for the first time in her life
proved fruitless.

Here was a pretty kettle of fish!  That Grindley junior should defy his
own parent, risk possibly the loss of his inheritance, had seemed to both
a not improper proceeding.  When Nathaniel George had said with fine
enthusiasm: "Let him keep his money if he will; I'll make my own way;
there isn't enough money in the world to pay for losing you!"  Janet
Helvetia, though she had expressed disapproval of such unfilial attitude,
had in secret sympathised.  But for her to disregard the wishes of her
own doting father was not to be thought of.  What was to be done?

Perhaps one Peter Hope, residing in Gough Square hard by, might help
young folks in sore dilemma with wise counsel.  Peter Hope, editor and
part proprietor of _Good Humour_, one penny weekly, was much esteemed by
Solomon Appleyard, printer and publisher of aforesaid paper.

"A good fellow, old Hope," Solomon would often impress upon his managing
clerk.  "Don't worry him more than you can help; things will improve.  We
can trust him."

Peter Hope sat at his desk, facing Miss Appleyard.  Grindley junior sat
on the cushioned seat beneath the middle window.  _Good Humour's_ sub-
editor stood before the fire, her hands behind her back.

The case appeared to Peter Hope to be one of exceeding difficulty.

"Of course," explained Miss Appleyard, "I shall never marry without my
father's consent."

Peter Hope thought the resolution most proper.

"On the other hand," continued Miss Appleyard, "nothing shall induce me
to marry a man I do not love."  Miss Appleyard thought the probabilities
were that she would end by becoming a female missionary.

Peter Hope's experience had led him to the conclusion that young people
sometimes changed their mind.

The opinion of the House, clearly though silently expressed, was that
Peter Hope's experience, as regarded this particular case, counted for
nothing.

"I shall go straight to the Governor," explained Grindley junior, "and
tell him that I consider myself engaged for life to Miss Appleyard.  I
know what will happen--I know the sort of idea he has got into his head.
He will disown me, and I shall go off to Africa."

Peter Hope was unable to see how Grindley junior's disappearance into the
wilds of Africa was going to assist the matter under discussion.

Grindley junior's view was that the wilds of Africa would afford a
fitting background to the passing away of a blighted existence.

Peter Hope had a suspicion that Grindley junior had for the moment parted
company with that sweet reasonableness that otherwise, so Peter Hope felt
sure, was Grindley junior's guiding star.

"I mean it, sir," reasserted Grindley junior.  "I am--" Grindley junior
was about to add "well educated"; but divining that education was a topic
not pleasing at the moment to the ears of Helvetia Appleyard, had tact
enough to substitute "not a fool.  I can earn my own living; and I should
like to get away."

"It seems to me--" said the sub-editor.

"Now, Tommy--I mean Jane," warned her Peter Hope.  He always called her
Jane in company, unless he was excited.  "I know what you are going to
say.  I won't have it."

"I was only going to say--" urged the sub-editor in tone of one suffering
injustice.

"I quite know what you were going to say," retorted Peter hotly.  "I can
see it by your chin.  You are going to take their part--and suggest their
acting undutifully towards their parents."

"I wasn't," returned the sub-editor.  "I was only--"

"You were," persisted Peter.  "I ought not to have allowed you to be
present.  I might have known you would interfere."

"--going to say we are in want of some help in the office.  You know we
are.  And that if Mr. Grindley would be content with a small salary--"

"Small salary be hanged!" snarled Peter.

"--there would be no need for his going to Africa."

"And how would that help us?" demanded Peter.  "Even if the boy were
so--so headstrong, so unfilial as to defy his father, who has worked for
him all these years, how would that remove the obstacle of Mr.
Appleyard's refusal?"

"Why, don't you see--" explained the sub-editor.

"No, I don't," snapped Peter.

"If, on his declaring to his father that nothing will ever induce him to
marry any other woman but Miss Appleyard, his father disowns him, as he
thinks it likely--"

"A dead cert!" was Grindley junior's conviction.

"Very well; he is no longer old Grindley's son, and what possible
objection can Mr. Appleyard have to him then?"

Peter Hope arose and expounded at length and in suitable language the
folly and uselessness of the scheme.

But what chance had ever the wisdom of Age against the enthusiasm of
Youth, reaching for its object.  Poor Peter, expostulating, was swept
into the conspiracy.  Grindley junior the next morning stood before his
father in the private office in High Holborn.

"I am sorry, sir," said Grindley junior, "if I have proved a
disappointment to you."

"Damn your sympathy!" said Grindley senior.  "Keep it till you are asked
for it."

"I hope we part friends, sir," said Grindley junior, holding out his
hand.

"Why do you irate me?" asked Grindley senior.  "I have thought of nothing
but you these five-and-twenty years."

"I don't, sir," answered Grindley junior.  "I can't say I love you.  It
did not seem to me you--you wanted it.  But I like you, sir, and I
respect you.  And--and I'm sorry to have to hurt you, sir."

"And you are determined to give up all your prospects, all the money, for
the sake of this--this girl?"

"It doesn't seem like giving up anything, sir," replied Grindley junior,
simply.

"It isn't so much as I thought it was going to be," said the old man,
after a pause.  "Perhaps it is for the best.  I might have been more
obstinate if things had been going all right.  The Lord has chastened
me."

"Isn't the business doing well, Dad?" asked the young man, with sorrow in
his voice.

"What's it got to do with you?" snapped his father.  "You've cut yourself
adrift from it.  You leave me now I am going down."

Grindley junior, not knowing what to say, put his arms round the little
old man.

And in this way Tommy's brilliant scheme fell through and came to naught.
Instead, old Grindley visited once again the big house in Nevill's Court,
and remained long closeted with old Solomon in the office on the second
floor.  It was late in the evening when Solomon opened the door and
called upstairs to Janet Helvetia to come down.

"I used to know you long ago," said Hezekiah Grindley, rising.  "You were
quite a little girl then."

Later, the troublesome Sauce disappeared entirely, cut out by newer
flavours.  Grindley junior studied the printing business.  It almost
seemed as if old Appleyard had been waiting but for this.  Some six
months later they found him dead in his counting-house.  Grindley junior
became the printer and publisher of _Good Humour_.




STORY THE FOURTH--Miss Ramsbotham gives her Services


To regard Miss Ramsbotham as a marriageable quantity would have occurred
to few men.  Endowed by Nature with every feminine quality calculated to
inspire liking, she had, on the other hand, been disinherited of every
attribute calculated to excite passion.  An ugly woman has for some men
an attraction; the proof is ever present to our eyes.  Miss Ramsbotham
was plain but pleasant looking.  Large, healthy in mind and body,
capable, self-reliant, and cheerful, blessed with a happy disposition
together with a keen sense of humour, there was about her absolutely
nothing for tenderness to lay hold of.  An ideal wife, she was an
impossible sweetheart.  Every man was her friend.  The suggestion that
any man could be her lover she herself would have greeted with a clear,
ringing laugh.

Not that she held love in despite; for such folly she was possessed of
far too much sound sense.  "To have somebody in love with you--somebody
strong and good," so she would confess to her few close intimates, a
dreamy expression clouding for an instant her broad, sunny face, "why, it
must be just lovely!"  For Miss Ramsbotham was prone to American
phraseology, and had even been at some pains, during a six months'
journey through the States (whither she had been commissioned by a
conscientious trade journal seeking reliable information concerning the
condition of female textile workers) to acquire a slight but decided
American accent.  It was her one affectation, but assumed, as one might
feel certain, for a practical and legitimate object.

"You can have no conception," she would explain, laughing, "what a help I
find it.  'I'm 'Muriken' is the 'Civis Romanus sum' of the modern woman's
world.  It opens every door to us.  If I ring the bell and say, 'Oh, if
you please, I have come to interview Mr. So-and-So for such-and-such a
paper,' the footman looks through me at the opposite side of the street,
and tells me to wait in the hall while he inquires if Mr. So-and-So will
see me or not.  But if I say, 'That's my keerd, young man.  You tell your
master Miss Ramsbotham is waiting for him in the showroom, and will take
it real kind if he'll just bustle himself,' the poor fellow walks
backwards till he stumbles against the bottom stair, and my gentleman
comes down with profuse apologies for having kept me waiting three
minutes and a half.

"'And to be in love with someone," she would continue, "someone great
that one could look up to and honour and worship--someone that would fill
one's whole life, make it beautiful, make every day worth living, I think
that would be better still.  To work merely for one's self, to think
merely for one's self, it is so much less interesting."

Then, at some such point of the argument, Miss Ramsbotham would jump up
from her chair and shake herself indignantly.

"Why, what nonsense I'm talking," she would tell herself, and her
listeners.  "I make a very fair income, have a host of friends, and enjoy
every hour of my life.  I should like to have been pretty or handsome, of
course; but no one can have all the good things of this world, and I have
my brains.  At one time, perhaps, yes; but now--no, honestly I would not
change myself."

Miss Ramsbotham was sorry that no man had ever fallen in love with her,
but that she could understand.

"It is quite clear to me."  So she had once unburdened herself to her
bosom friend.  "Man for the purposes of the race has been given two kinds
of love, between which, according to his opportunities and temperament,
he is free to choose: he can fall down upon his knees and adore physical
beauty (for Nature ignores entirely our mental side), or he can take
delight in circling with his protecting arm the weak and helpless.  Now,
I make no appeal to either instinct.  I possess neither the charm nor
beauty to attract--"

"Beauty," reminded her the bosom friend, consolingly, "dwells in the
beholder's eye."

"My dear," cheerfully replied Miss Ramsbotham, "it would have to be an
eye of the range and capacity Sam Weller frankly owned up to not
possessing--a patent double-million magnifying, capable of seeing through
a deal board and round the corner sort of eye--to detect any beauty in
me.  And I am much too big and sensible for any man not a fool ever to
think of wanting to take care of me.

"I believe," remembered Miss Ramsbotham, "if it does not sound like idle
boasting, I might have had a husband, of a kind, if Fate had not
compelled me to save his life.  I met him one year at Huyst, a small,
quiet watering-place on the Dutch coast.  He would walk always half a
step behind me, regarding me out of the corner of his eye quite
approvingly at times.  He was a widower--a good little man, devoted to
his three charming children.  They took an immense fancy to me, and I
really think I could have got on with him.  I am very adaptable, as you
know.  But it was not to be.  He got out of his depth one morning, and
unfortunately there was no one within distance but myself who could swim.
I knew what the result would be.  You remember Labiche's comedy, _Les
Voyage de Monsieur Perrichon_?  Of course, every man hates having had his
life saved, after it is over; and you can imagine how he must hate having
it saved by a woman.  But what was I to do?  In either case he would be
lost to me, whether I let him drown or whether I rescued him.  So, as it
really made no difference, I rescued him.  He was very grateful, and left
the next morning.

"It is my destiny.  No man has ever fallen in love with me, and no man
ever will.  I used to worry myself about it when I was younger.  As a
child I hugged to my bosom for years an observation I had overheard an
aunt of mine whisper to my mother one afternoon as they sat knitting and
talking, not thinking I was listening.  'You never can tell,' murmured my
aunt, keeping her eyes carefully fixed upon her needles; 'children change
so.  I have known the plainest girls grow up into quite beautiful women.
I should not worry about it if I were you--not yet awhile.'  My mother
was not at all a bad-looking woman, and my father was decidedly handsome;
so there seemed no reason why I should not hope.  I pictured myself the
ugly duckling of Andersen's fairy-tale, and every morning on waking I
would run straight to my glass and try to persuade myself that the
feathers of the swan were beginning at last to show themselves."  Miss
Ramsbotham laughed, a genuine laugh of amusement, for of self-pity not a
trace was now remaining to her.

"Later I plucked hope again," continued Miss Ramsbotham her confession,
"from the reading of a certain school of fiction more popular twenty
years ago than now.  In these romances the heroine was never what you
would call beautiful, unless in common with the hero you happened to
possess exceptional powers of observation.  But she was better than that,
she was good.  I do not regard as time wasted the hours I spent studying
this quaint literature.  It helped me, I am sure, to form habits that
have since been of service to me.  I made a point, when any young man
visitor happened to be staying with us, of rising exceptionally early in
the morning, so that I always appeared at the breakfast-table fresh,
cheerful, and carefully dressed, with, when possible, a dew-besprinkled
flower in my hair to prove that I had already been out in the garden.  The
effort, as far as the young man visitor was concerned, was always thrown
away; as a general rule, he came down late himself, and generally too
drowsy to notice anything much.  But it was excellent practice for me.  I
wake now at seven o'clock as a matter of course, whatever time I go to
bed.  I made my own dresses and most of our cakes, and took care to let
everybody know it.  Though I say it who should not, I play and sing
rather well.  I certainly was never a fool.  I had no little brothers and
sisters to whom to be exceptionally devoted, but I had my cousins about
the house as much as possible, and damaged their characters, if anything,
by over-indulgence.  My dear, it never caught even a curate!  I am not
one of those women to run down men; I think them delightful creatures,
and in a general way I find them very intelligent.  But where their
hearts are concerned it is the girl with the frizzy hair, who wants two
people to help her over the stile, that is their idea of an angel.  No
man could fall in love with me; he couldn't if he tried.  That I can
understand; but"--Miss Ramsbotham sunk her voice to a more confidential
tone--"what I cannot understand is that I have never fallen in love with
any man, because I like them all."

"You have given the explanation yourself," suggested the bosom friend--one
Susan Fossett, the "Aunt Emma" of _The Ladies' Journal_, a nice woman,
but talkative.  "You are too sensible."

Miss Ramsbotham shook her head, "I should just love to fall in love.  When
I think about it, I feel quite ashamed of myself for not having done so."

Whether it was this idea, namely, that it was her duty, or whether it was
that passion came to her, unsought, somewhat late in life, and therefore
all the stronger, she herself would perhaps have been unable to declare.
Certain only it is that at over thirty years of age this clever,
sensible, clear-seeing woman fell to sighing and blushing, starting and
stammering at the sounding of a name, as though for all the world she had
been a love-sick girl in her teens.

Susan Fossett, her bosom friend, brought the strange tidings to Bohemia
one foggy November afternoon, her opportunity being a tea-party given by
Peter Hope to commemorate the birthday of his adopted daughter and sub-
editor, Jane Helen, commonly called Tommy.  The actual date of Tommy's
birthday was known only to the gods; but out of the London mist to
wifeless, childless Peter she had come the evening of a certain November
the eighteenth, and therefore by Peter and his friends November the
eighteenth had been marked upon the calendar as a day on which they
should rejoice together.

"It is bound to leak out sooner or later," Susan Fossett was convinced,
"so I may as well tell you: that gaby Mary Ramsbotham has got herself
engaged."

"Nonsense!" was Peter Hope's involuntary ejaculation.

"Precisely what I mean to tell her the very next time I see her," added
Susan.

"Who to?" demanded Tommy.

"You mean 'to whom.'  The preeposition governs the objective case,"
corrected her James Douglas McTear, commonly called "The Wee Laddie," who
himself wrote English better than he spoke it.

"I meant 'to whom,'" explained Tommy.

"Ye didna say it," persisted the Wee Laddie.

"I don't know to whom," replied Miss Ramsbotham's bosom friend, sipping
tea and breathing indignation.  "To something idiotic and incongruous
that will make her life a misery to her."

Somerville, the briefless, held that in the absence of all data such
conclusion was unjustifiable.

"If it had been to anything sensible," was Miss Fossett's opinion, "she
would not have kept me in the dark about it, to spring it upon me like a
bombshell.  I've never had so much as a hint from her until I received
this absurd scrawl an hour ago."

Miss Fossett produced from her bag a letter written in pencil.

"There can be no harm in your hearing it," was Miss Fossett's excuse; "it
will give you an idea of the state of the poor thing's mind."

The tea-drinkers left their cups and gathered round her.  "Dear Susan,"
read Miss Fossett, "I shall not be able to be with you to-morrow.  Please
get me out of it nicely.  I can't remember at the moment what it is.
You'll be surprised to hear that I'm _engaged_--to be married, I mean, I
can hardly _realise_ it.  I hardly seem to know where I am.  Have just
made up my mind to run down to Yorkshire and see grandmamma.  I must do
_something_.  I must _talk_ to _somebody_ and--forgive me, dear--but you
_are_ so sensible, and just now--well I don't _feel_ sensible.  Will tell
you all about it when I see you--next week, perhaps.  You must _try_ to
like him.  He is _so_ handsome and _really_ clever--in his own way.  Don't
scold me.  I never thought it possible that _anyone_ could be so happy.
It's quite a different sort of happiness to _any_ other sort of
happiness.  I don't know how to describe it.  Please ask Burcot to let me
off the antequarian congress.  I feel I should do it badly.  I am so
thankful he has _no_ relatives--in England.  I should have been so
_terribly_ nervous.  Twelve hours ago I could not have _dreamt_ of it,
and now I walk on tiptoe for fear of waking up.  Did I leave my
chinchilla at your rooms?  Don't be angry with me.  I should have told
you if I had known.  In haste.  Yours, Mary."

"It's dated from Marylebone Road, and yesterday afternoon she did leave
her chinchilla in my rooms, which makes me think it really must be from
Mary Ramsbotham.  Otherwise I should have my doubts," added Miss Fossett,
as she folded up the letter and replaced it in her bag.

"Id is love!" was the explanation of Dr. William Smith, his round, red
face illuminated with poetic ecstasy.  "Love has gone to her--has
dransformed her once again into the leedle maid."

"Love," retorted Susan Fossett, "doesn't transform an intelligent,
educated woman into a person who writes a letter all in jerks, underlines
every other word, spells antiquarian with an 'e,' and Burcott's name,
whom she has known for the last eight years, with only one 't.'  The
woman has gone stark, staring mad!"

"We must wait until we have seen him," was Peter's judicious view.  "I
should be so glad to think that the dear lady was happy."

"So should I," added Miss Fossett drily.

"One of the most sensible women I have ever met," commented William
Clodd.  "Lucky man, whoever he is.  Half wish I'd thought of it myself."

"I am not saying that he isn't," retorted Miss Fossett.  "It isn't him
I'm worrying about."

"I preesume you mean 'he,'" suggested the Wee Laddie.  "The verb 'to
be'--"

"For goodness' sake," suggested Miss Fossett to Tommy, "give that man
something to eat or drink.  That's the worst of people who take up
grammar late in life.  Like all converts, they become fanatical."

"She's a ripping good sort, is Mary Ramsbotham," exclaimed Grindley
junior, printer and publisher of _Good Humour_.  "The marvel to me is
that no man hitherto has ever had the sense to want her."

"Oh, you men!" cried Miss Fossett.  "A pretty face and an empty head is
all you want."

"Must they always go together?" laughed Mrs. Grindley junior, _nee_
Helvetia Appleyard.

"Exceptions prove the rule," grunted Miss Fossett.

"What a happy saying that is," smiled Mrs. Grindley junior.  "I wonder
sometimes how conversation was ever carried on before it was invented."

"De man who would fall in love wid our dear frent Mary," thought Dr.
Smith, "he must be quite egsceptional."

"You needn't talk about her as if she was a monster--I mean were,"
corrected herself Miss Fossett, with a hasty glance towards the Wee
Laddie.  "There isn't a man I know that's worthy of her."

"I mean," explained the doctor, "dat he must be a man of character--of
brain.  Id is de noble man dat is attracted by de noble woman."

"By the chorus-girl more often," suggested Miss Fossett.

"We must hope for the best," counselled Peter.  "I cannot believe that a
clever, capable woman like Mary Ramsbotham would make a fool of herself."

"From what I have seen," replied Miss Fossett, "it's just the clever
people--as regards this particular matter--who do make fools of
themselves."

Unfortunately Miss Fossett's judgment proved to be correct.  On being
introduced a fortnight later to Miss Ramsbotham's fiance, the impulse of
Bohemia was to exclaim, "Great Scott!  Whatever in the name of--"  Then
on catching sight of Miss Ramsbotham's transfigured face and trembling
hands Bohemia recollected itself in time to murmur instead: "Delighted,
I'm sure!" and to offer mechanical congratulations.  Reginald Peters was
a pretty but remarkably foolish-looking lad of about two-and-twenty, with
curly hair and receding chin; but to Miss Ramsbotham evidently a
promising Apollo.  Her first meeting with him had taken place at one of
the many political debating societies then in fashion, attendance at
which Miss Ramsbotham found useful for purposes of journalistic "copy."
Miss Ramsbotham, hitherto a Radical of pronounced views, he had succeeded
under three months in converting into a strong supporter of the
Gentlemanly Party.  His feeble political platitudes, which a little while
before she would have seized upon merrily to ridicule, she now sat
drinking in, her plain face suffused with admiration.  Away from him and
in connection with those subjects--somewhat numerous--about which he knew
little and cared less, she retained her sense and humour; but in his
presence she remained comparatively speechless, gazing up into his
somewhat watery eyes with the grateful expression of one learning wisdom
from a master.

Her absurd adoration--irritating beyond measure to her friends, and which
even to her lover, had he possessed a grain of sense, would have appeared
ridiculous--to Master Peters was evidently a gratification.  Of selfish,
exacting nature, he must have found the services of this brilliant woman
of the world of much practical advantage.  Knowing all the most
interesting people in London, it was her pride and pleasure to introduce
him everywhere.  Her friends put up with him for her sake; to please her
made him welcome, did their best to like him, and disguised their
failure.  The free entry to a places of amusement saved his limited
purse.  Her influence, he had instinct enough to perceive, could not fail
to be of use to him in his profession: that of a barrister.  She praised
him to prominent solicitors, took him to tea with judges' wives,
interested examiners on his behalf.  In return he overlooked her many
disadvantages, and did not fail to let her know it.  Miss Ramsbotham's
gratitude was boundless.

"I do so wish I were younger and better looking," she sighed to the bosom
friend.  "For myself, I don't mind; I have got used to it.  But it is so
hard on Reggie.  He feels it, I know he does, though he never openly
complains."

"He would be a cad if he did," answered Susan Fossett, who having tried
conscientiously for a month to tolerate the fellow, had in the end
declared her inability even to do more than avoid open expression of
cordial dislike.  "Added to which I don't quite see of what use it would
be.  You never told him you were young and pretty, did you?"

"I told him, my dear," replied Miss Ramsbotham, "the actual truth.  I
don't want to take any credit for doing so; it seemed the best course.
You see, unfortunately, I look my age.  With most men it would have made
a difference.  You have no idea how good he is.  He assured me he had
engaged himself to me with his eyes open, and that there was no need to
dwell upon unpleasant topics.  It is so wonderful to me that he should
care for me--he who could have half the women in London at his feet."

"Yes, he's the type that would attract them, I daresay," agreed Susan
Fossett.  "But are you quite sure that he does?--care for you, I mean."

"My dear," returned Miss Ramsbotham, "you remember Rochefoucauld's
definition.  'One loves, the other consents to be loved.'  If he will
only let me do that I shall be content.  It is more than I had any right
to expect."

"Oh, you are a fool," told her bluntly her bosom friend.

"I know I am," admitted Miss Ramsbotham; "but I had no idea that being a
fool was so delightful."

Bohemia grew day by day more indignant and amazed.  Young Peters was not
even a gentleman.  All the little offices of courtship he left to her.  It
was she who helped him on with his coat, and afterwards adjusted her own
cloak; she who carried the parcel, she who followed into and out of the
restaurant.  Only when he thought anyone was watching would he make any
attempt to behave to her with even ordinary courtesy.  He bullied her,
contradicted her in public, ignored her openly.  Bohemia fumed with
impotent rage, yet was bound to confess that so far as Miss Ramsbotham
herself was concerned he had done more to make her happy than had ever
all Bohemia put together.  A tender light took up its dwelling in her
eyes, which for the first time it was noticed were singularly deep and
expressive.  The blood, of which she possessed if anything too much, now
came and went, so that her cheeks, in place of their insistent red, took
on a varied pink and white.  Life had entered her thick dark hair, giving
to it shade and shadow.

The woman began to grow younger.  She put on flesh.  Sex, hitherto
dormant, began to show itself; femininities peeped out.  New tones,
suggesting possibilities, crept into her voice.  Bohemia congratulated
itself that the affair, after all, might turn out well.

Then Master Peters spoiled everything by showing a better side to his
nature, and, careless of all worldly considerations, falling in love
himself, honestly, with a girl at the bun shop.  He did the best thing
under the circumstances that he could have done: told Miss Ramsbotham the
plain truth, and left the decision in her hands.

Miss Ramsbotham acted as anyone who knew her would have foretold.
Possibly, in the silence of her delightful little four-roomed flat over
the tailor's shop in Marylebone Road, her sober, worthy maid dismissed
for a holiday, she may have shed some tears; but, if so, no trace of them
was allowed to mar the peace of mind of Mr. Peters.  She merely thanked
him for being frank with her, and by a little present pain saving them
both a future of disaster.  It was quite understandable; she knew he had
never really been in love with her.  She had thought him the type of man
that never does fall in love, as the word is generally understood--Miss
Ramsbotham did not add, with anyone except himself--and had that been the
case, and he content merely to be loved, they might have been happy
together.  As it was--well, it was fortunate he had found out the truth
before it was too late.  Now, would he take her advice?

Mr. Peters was genuinely grateful, as well he might be, and would consent
to any suggestion that Miss Ramsbotham might make; felt he had behaved
shabbily, was very much ashamed of himself, would be guided in all things
by Miss Ramsbotham, whom he should always regard as the truest of
friends, and so on.

Miss Ramsbotham's suggestion was this: Mr. Peters, no more robust of body
than of mind, had been speaking for some time past of travel.  Having
nothing to do now but to wait for briefs, why not take this opportunity
of visiting his only well-to-do relative, a Canadian farmer.  Meanwhile,
let Miss Peggy leave the bun shop and take up her residence in Miss
Ramsbotham's flat.  Let there be no engagement--merely an understanding.
The girl was pretty, charming, good, Miss Ramsbotham felt sure; but--well,
a little education, a little training in manners and behaviour would not
be amiss, would it?  If, on returning at the end of six months or a year,
Mr. Peters was still of the same mind, and Peggy also wishful, the affair
would be easier, would it not?

There followed further expressions of eternal gratitude.  Miss Ramsbotham
swept all such aside.  It would be pleasant to have a bright young girl
to live with her; teaching, moulding such an one would be a pleasant
occupation.

And thus it came to pass that Mr. Reginald Peters disappeared for a while
from Bohemia, to the regret of but few, and there entered into it one
Peggy Nutcombe, as pretty a child as ever gladdened the eye of man.  She
had wavy, flaxen hair, a complexion that might have been manufactured
from the essence of wild roses, the nose that Tennyson bestows upon his
miller's daughter, and a mouth worthy of the Lowther Arcade in its days
of glory.  Add to this the quick grace of a kitten, with the appealing
helplessness of a baby in its first short frock, and you will be able to
forgive Mr. Reginald Peters his faithlessness.  Bohemia looked from one
to the other--from the fairy to the woman--and ceased to blame.  That the
fairy was as stupid as a camel, as selfish as a pig, and as lazy as a
nigger Bohemia did not know; nor--so long as her figure and complexion
remained what it was--would its judgment have been influenced, even if it
had.  I speak of the Bohemian male.

But that is just what her figure and complexion did not do.  Mr. Reginald
Peters, finding his uncle old, feeble, and inclined to be fond, deemed it
to his advantage to stay longer than he had intended.  Twelve months went
by.  Miss Peggy was losing her kittenish grace, was becoming lumpy.  A
couple of pimples--one near the right-hand corner of her rosebud mouth,
and another on the left-hand side of her tip-tilted nose--marred her baby
face.  At the end of another six months the men called her plump, and the
women fat.  Her walk was degenerating into a waddle; stairs caused her to
grunt.  She took to breathing with her mouth, and Bohemia noticed that
her teeth were small, badly coloured, and uneven.  The pimples grew in
size and number.  The cream and white of her complexion was merging into
a general yellow.  A certain greasiness of skin was manifesting itself.
Babyish ways in connection with a woman who must have weighed about
eleven stone struck Bohemia as incongruous.  Her manners, judged alone,
had improved.  But they had not improved her.  They did not belong to
her; they did not fit her.  They sat on her as Sunday broadcloth on a
yokel.  She had learned to employ her "h's" correctly, and to speak good
grammar.  This gave to her conversation a painfully artificial air.  The
little learning she had absorbed was sufficient to bestow upon her an
angry consciousness of her own invincible ignorance.

Meanwhile, Miss Ramsbotham had continued upon her course of rejuvenation.
At twenty-nine she had looked thirty-five; at thirty-two she looked not a
day older than five-and-twenty.  Bohemia felt that should she retrograde
further at the same rate she would soon have to shorten her frocks and
let down her hair.  A nervous excitability had taken possession of her
that was playing strange freaks not only with her body, but with her
mind.  What it gave to the one it seemed to take from the other.  Old
friends, accustomed to enjoy with her the luxury of plain speech,
wondered in vain what they had done to offend her.  Her desire was now
towards new friends, new faces.  Her sense of humour appeared to be
departing from her; it became unsafe to jest with her.  On the other
hand, she showed herself greedy for admiration and flattery.  Her former
chums stepped back astonished to watch brainless young fops making their
way with her by complimenting her upon her blouse, or whispering to her
some trite nonsense about her eyelashes.  From her work she took a good
percentage of her brain power to bestow it on her clothes.  Of course,
she was successful.  Her dresses suited her, showed her to the best
advantage.  Beautiful she could never be, and had sense enough to know
it; but a charming, distinguished-looking woman she had already become.
Also, she was on the high road to becoming a vain, egotistical,
commonplace woman.

It was during the process of this, her metamorphosis, that Peter Hope one
evening received a note from her announcing her intention of visiting him
the next morning at the editorial office of _Good Humour_.  She added in
a postscript that she would prefer the interview to be private.

Punctually to the time appointed Miss Ramsbotham arrived.  Miss
Ramsbotham, contrary to her custom, opened conversation with the weather.
Miss Ramsbotham was of opinion that there was every possibility of rain.
Peter Hope's experience was that there was always possibility of rain.

"How is the Paper doing?" demanded Miss Ramsbotham.

The Paper--for a paper not yet two years old--was doing well.  "We expect
very shortly--very shortly indeed," explained Peter Hope, "to turn the
corner."

"Ah! that 'corner,'" sympathised Miss Ramsbotham.

"I confess," smiled Peter Hope, "it doesn't seem to be exactly a right-
angled corner.  One reaches it as one thinks.  But it takes some getting
round--what I should describe as a cornery corner."

"What you want," thought Miss Ramsbotham, "are one or two popular
features."

"Popular features," agreed Peter guardedly, scenting temptation, "are not
to be despised, provided one steers clear of the vulgar and the
commonplace."

"A Ladies' Page!" suggested Miss Ramsbotham--"a page that should make the
woman buy it.  The women, believe me, are going to be of more and more
importance to the weekly press."

"But why should she want a special page to herself?" demanded Peter Hope.
"Why should not the paper as a whole appeal to her?"

"It doesn't," was all Miss Ramsbotham could offer in explanation.

"We give her literature and the drama, poetry, fiction, the higher
politics, the--"

"I know, I know," interrupted Miss Ramsbotham, who of late, among other
failings new to her, had developed a tendency towards impatience; "but
she gets all that in half a dozen other papers.  I have thought it out."
Miss Ramsbotham leaned further across the editorial desk and sunk her
voice unconsciously to a confidential whisper.  "Tell her the coming
fashions.  Discuss the question whether hat or bonnet makes you look the
younger.  Tell her whether red hair or black is to be the new colour,
what size waist is being worn by the best people.  Oh, come!" laughed
Miss Ramsbotham in answer to Peter's shocked expression; "one cannot
reform the world and human nature all at once.  You must appeal to
people's folly in order to get them to listen to your wisdom.  Make your
paper a success first.  You can make it a power afterwards."

"But," argued Peter, "there are already such papers--papers devoted to--to
that sort of thing, and to nothing else."

"At sixpence!" replied the practical Miss Ramsbotham.  "I am thinking of
the lower middle-class woman who has twenty pounds a year to spend on
dress, and who takes twelve hours a day to think about it, poor creature.
My dear friend, there is a fortune in it.  Think of the advertisements."

Poor Peter groaned--old Peter, the dreamer of dreams.  But for thought of
Tommy! one day to be left alone to battle with a stony-eyed, deaf world,
Peter most assuredly would have risen in his wrath, would have said to
his distinguished-looking temptress, "Get thee behind me, Miss
Ramsbotham.  My journalistic instinct whispers to me that your scheme,
judged by the mammon of unrighteousness, is good.  It is a new departure.
Ten years hence half the London journals will have adopted it.  There is
money in it.  But what of that?  Shall I for mere dross sell my editorial
soul, turn the temple of the Mighty Pen into a den of--of milliners!  Good
morning, Miss Ramsbotham.  I grieve for you.  I grieve for you as for a
fellow-worker once inspired by devotion to a noble calling, who has
fallen from her high estate.  Good morning, madam."

So Peter thought as he sat tattooing with his finger-tips upon the desk;
but only said--

"It would have to be well done."

"Everything would depend upon how it was done," agreed Miss Ramsbotham.
"Badly done, the idea would be wasted.  You would be merely giving it
away to some other paper."

"Do you know of anyone?" queried Peter.

"I was thinking of myself," answered Miss Ramsbotham.

"I am sorry," said Peter Hope.

"Why?" demanded Miss Ramsbotham.  "Don't you think I could do it?"

"I think," said Peter, "no one could do it better.  I am sorry you should
wish to do it--that is all."

"I want to do it," replied Miss Ramsbotham, a note of doggedness in her
voice.

"How much do you propose to charge me?" Peter smiled.

"Nothing."

"My dear lady--"

"I could not in conscience," explained Miss Ramsbotham, "take payment
from both sides.  I am going to make a good deal out of it.  I am going
to make out of it at least three hundred a year, and they will be glad to
pay it."

"Who will?"

"The dressmakers.  I shall be one of the most stylish women in London,"
laughed Miss Ramsbotham.

"You used to be a sensible woman," Peter reminded her.

"I want to live."

"Can't you manage to do it without--without being a fool, my dear."

"No," answered Miss Ramsbotham, "a woman can't.  I've tried it."

"Very well," agreed Peter, "be it so."

Peter had risen.  He laid his shapely, white old hand upon the woman's
shoulder.  "Tell me when you want to give it up.  I shall be glad."

Thus it was arranged.  _Good Humour_ gained circulation and--of more
importance yet--advertisements; and Miss Ramsbotham, as she had
predicted, the reputation of being one of the best-dressed women in
London.  Her reason for desiring such reputation Peter Hope had shrewdly
guessed.  Two months later his suspicions were confirmed.  Mr. Reginald
Peters, his uncle being dead, was on his way back to England.

His return was awaited with impatience only by the occupants of the
little flat in the Marylebone Road; and between these two the difference
of symptom was marked.  Mistress Peggy, too stupid to comprehend the
change that had been taking place in her, looked forward to her lover's
arrival with delight.  Mr. Reginald Peters, independently of his
profession, was in consequence of his uncle's death a man of means.  Miss
Ramsbotham's tutelage, which had always been distasteful to her, would
now be at an end.  She would be a "lady" in the true sense of the
word--according to Miss Peggy's definition, a woman with nothing to do
but eat and drink, and nothing to think of but dress.  Miss Ramsbotham,
on the other hand, who might have anticipated the home-coming of her
quondam admirer with hope, exhibited a strange condition of alarmed
misery, which increased from day to day as the date drew nearer.

The meeting--whether by design or accident was never known--took place at
an evening party given by the proprietors of a new journal.  The
circumstance was certainly unfortunate for poor Peggy, whom Bohemia began
to pity.  Mr. Peters, knowing both women would be there and so on the
look-out, saw in the distance among the crowd of notabilities a superbly
millinered, tall, graceful woman, whose face recalled sensations he could
not for the moment place.  Chiefly noticeable about her were her
exquisite neck and arms, and the air of perfect breeding with which she
moved, talking and laughing, through the distinguished, fashionable
throng.  Beside her strutted, nervously aggressive, a vulgar, fat,
pimply, shapeless young woman, attracting universal attention by the
incongruity of her presence in the room.  On being greeted by the
graceful lady of the neck and arms, the conviction forced itself upon him
that this could be no other than the once Miss Ramsbotham, plain of face
and indifferent of dress, whose very appearance he had almost forgotten.
On being greeted gushingly as "Reggie" by the sallow-complexioned, over-
dressed young woman he bowed with evident astonishment, and apologised
for a memory that, so he assured the lady, had always been to him a
source of despair.

Of course, he thanked his stars--and Miss Ramsbotham--that the engagement
had never been formal.  So far as Mr. Peters was concerned, there was an
end to Mistress Peggy's dream of an existence of everlasting breakfasts
in bed.  Leaving the Ramsbotham flat, she returned to the maternal roof,
and there a course of hard work and plain living tended greatly to
improve her figure and complexion; so that in course of time, the gods
smiling again upon her, she married a foreman printer, and passes out of
this story.

Meanwhile, Mr. Reginald Peters--older, and the possessor, perhaps, of
more sense--looked at Miss Ramsbotham with new eyes, and now not
tolerated but desired her.  Bohemia waited to assist at the happy
termination of a pretty and somewhat novel romance.  Miss Ramsbotham had
shown no sign of being attracted elsewhere.  Flattery, compliment, she
continued to welcome; but merely, so it seemed, as favourable criticism.
Suitors more fit and proper were now not lacking, for Miss Ramsbotham,
though a woman less desirable when won, came readily to the thought of
wooing.  But to all such she turned a laughing face.

"I like her for it," declared Susan Fossett; "and he has improved--there
was room for it--though I wish it could have been some other.  There was
Jack Herring--it would have been so much more suitable.  Or even Joe, in
spite of his size.  But it's her wedding, not ours; and she will never
care for anyone else."

And Bohemia bought its presents, and had them ready, but never gave them.
A few months later Mr. Reginald Peters returned to Canada, a bachelor.
Miss Ramsbotham expressed her desire for another private interview with
Peter Hope.

"I may as well keep on the Letter to Clorinda," thought Miss Ramsbotham.
"I have got into the knack of it.  But I will get you to pay me for it in
the ordinary way."

"I would rather have done so from the beginning," explained Peter.

"I know.  I could not in conscience, as I told you, take from both sides.
For the future--well, they have said nothing; but I expect they are
beginning to get tired of it."

"And you!" questioned Peter.

"Yes.  I am tired of it myself," laughed Miss Ramsbotham.  "Life isn't
long enough to be a well-dressed woman."

"You have done with all that?"

"I hope so," answered Miss Ramsbotham.

"And don't want to talk any more about it?" suggested Peter.

"Not just at present.  I should find it so difficult to explain."

By others, less sympathetic than old Peter, vigorous attempts were made
to solve the mystery.  Miss Ramsbotham took enjoyment in cleverly evading
these tormentors.  Thwarted at every point, the gossips turned to other
themes.  Miss Ramsbotham found interest once again in the higher branches
of her calling; became again, by slow degrees, the sensible, frank, 'good
sort' that Bohemia had known, liked, respected--everything but loved.

Years later, to Susan Fossett, the case was made clear; and through Susan
Fossett, a nice enough woman but talkative, those few still interested
learned the explanation.

"Love," said Miss Ramsbotham to the bosom friend, "is not regulated by
reason.  As you say, there were many men I might have married with much
more hope of happiness.  But I never cared for any other man.  He was not
intellectual, was egotistical, possibly enough selfish.  The man should
always be older than the woman; he was younger, and he was a weak
character.  Yet I loved him."

"I am glad you didn't marry him," said the bosom friend.

"So am I," agreed Miss Ramsbotham.

"If you can't trust me," had said the bosom friend at this point,
"don't."

"I meant to do right," said Miss Ramsbotham, "upon my word of honour I
did, in the beginning."

"I don't understand," said the bosom friend.

"If she had been my own child," continued Miss Ramsbotham, "I could not
have done more--in the beginning.  I tried to teach her, to put some
sense into her.  Lord! the hours I wasted on that little idiot!  I marvel
at my own patience.  She was nothing but an animal.  An animal! she had
only an animal's vices.  To eat and drink and sleep was her idea of
happiness; her one ambition male admiration, and she hadn't character
enough to put sufficient curb upon her stomach to retain it.  I reasoned
with her, I pleaded with her, I bullied her.  Had I persisted I might
have succeeded by sheer physical and mental strength in restraining her
from ruining herself.  I was winning.  I had made her frightened of me.
Had I gone on, I might have won.  By dragging her out of bed in the
morning, by insisting upon her taking exercise, by regulating every
particle of food and drink she put into her mouth, I kept the little
beast in good condition for nearly three months.  Then, I had to go away
into the country for a few days; she swore she would obey my
instructions.  When I came back I found she had been in bed most of the
time, and had been living chiefly on chocolate and cakes.  She was curled
up asleep in an easy-chair, snoring with her mouth wide open, when I
opened the door.  And at sight of that picture the devil came to me and
tempted me.  Why should I waste my time, wear myself out in mind and
body, that the man I loved should marry a pig because it looked like an
angel?  'Six months' wallowing according to its own desires would reveal
it in its true shape.  So from that day I left it to itself.  No, worse
than that--I don't want to spare myself--I encouraged her.  I let her
have a fire in her bedroom, and half her meals in bed.  I let her have
chocolate with tablespoonfuls of cream floating on the top: she loved it.
She was never really happy except when eating.  I let her order her own
meals.  I took a fiendish delight watching the dainty limbs turning to
shapeless fat, the pink-and-white complexion growing blotchy.  It is
flesh that man loves; brain and mind and heart and soul! he never thinks
of them.  This little pink-and-white sow could have cut me out with
Solomon himself.  Why should such creatures have the world arranged for
them, and we not be allowed to use our brains in our own defence?  But
for my looking-glass I might have resisted the temptation, but I always
had something of the man in me: the sport of the thing appealed to me.  I
suppose it was the nervous excitement under which I was living that was
changing me.  All my sap was going into my body.  Given sufficient time,
I might meet her with her own weapons, animal against animal.  Well, you
know the result: I won.  There was no doubt about his being in love with
me.  His eyes would follow me round the room, feasting on me.  I had
become a fine animal.  Men desired me, Do you know why I refused him?  He
was in every way a better man than the silly boy I had fallen in love
with; but he came back with a couple of false teeth: I saw the gold
setting one day when he opened his mouth to laugh.  I don't say for a
moment, my dear, there is no such thing as love--love pure, ennobling,
worthy of men and women, its roots in the heart and nowhere else.  But
that love I had missed; and the other!  I saw it in its true light.  I
had fallen in love with him because he was a pretty, curly-headed boy.  He
had fallen in love with Peggy when she was pink-and-white and slim.  I
shall always see the look that came into his eyes when she spoke to him
at the hotel, the look of disgust and loathing.  The girl was the same;
it was only her body that had grown older.  I could see his eyes fixed
upon my arms and neck.  I had got to grow old in time, brown skinned, and
wrinkled.  I thought of him, growing bald, fat--"

"If you had fallen in love with the right man," had said Susan Fossett,
"those ideas would not have come to you."

"I know," said Miss Ramsbotham.  "He will have to like me thin and in
these clothes, just because I am nice, and good company, and helpful.
That is the man I am waiting for."

He never came along.  A charming, bright-eyed, white-haired lady occupies
alone a little flat in the Marylebone Road, looks in occasionally at the
Writers' Club.  She is still Miss Ramsbotham.

Bald-headed gentlemen feel young again talking to her: she is so
sympathetic, so big-minded, so understanding.  Then, hearing the clock
strike, tear themselves from her with a sigh, and return home--some of
them--to stupid shrewish wives.




STORY THE FIFTH--Joey Loveredge agrees--on certain terms--to join the
Company


The most popular member of the Autolycus Club was undoubtedly Joseph
Loveredge.  Small, chubby, clean-shaven, his somewhat longish, soft,
brown hair parted in the middle, strangers fell into the error of
assuming him to be younger than he really was.  It is on record that a
leading lady novelist--accepting her at her own estimate--irritated by
his polite but firm refusal to allow her entrance into his own editorial
office without appointment, had once boxed his ears, under the impression
that he was his own office-boy.  Guests to the Autolycus Club, on being
introduced to him, would give to him kind messages to take home to his
father, with whom they remembered having been at school together.  This
sort of thing might have annoyed anyone with less sense of humour.  Joseph
Loveredge would tell such stories himself, keenly enjoying the jest--was
even suspected of inventing some of the more improbable.  Another fact
tending to the popularity of Joseph Loveredge among all classes, over and
above his amiability, his wit, his genuine kindliness, and his
never-failing fund of good stories, was that by care and inclination he
had succeeded in remaining a bachelor.  Many had been the attempts to
capture him; nor with the passing of the years had interest in the sport
shown any sign of diminution.  Well over the frailties and distempers so
dangerous to youth, of staid and sober habits, with an ever-increasing
capital invested in sound securities, together with an ever-increasing
income from his pen, with a tastefully furnished house overlooking
Regent's Park, an excellent and devoted cook and house-keeper, and
relatives mostly settled in the Colonies, Joseph Loveredge, though
inexperienced girls might pass him by with a contemptuous sniff, was
recognised by ladies of maturer judgment as a prize not too often dangled
before the eyes of spinsterhood.  Old foxes--so we are assured by kind-
hearted country gentlemen--rather enjoy than otherwise a day with the
hounds.  However that may be, certain it is that Joseph Loveredge,
confident of himself, one presumes, showed no particular disinclination
to the chase.  Perhaps on the whole he preferred the society of his own
sex, with whom he could laugh and jest with more freedom, to whom he
could tell his stories as they came to him without the trouble of having
to turn them over first in his own mind; but, on the other hand, Joey
made no attempt to avoid female company whenever it came his way; and
then no cavalier could render himself more agreeable, more unobtrusively
attentive.  Younger men stood by, in envious admiration of the ease with
which in five minutes he would establish himself on terms of cosy
friendship with the brilliant beauty before whose gracious coldness they
had stood shivering for months; the daring with which he would tuck under
his arm, so to speak, the prettiest girl in the room, smooth down as if
by magic her hundred prickles, and tease her out of her overwhelming
sense of her own self-importance.  The secret of his success was,
probably, that he was not afraid of them.  Desiring nothing from them
beyond companionableness, a reasonable amount of appreciation for his
jokes--which without being exceptionally stupid they would have found it
difficult to withhold--with just sufficient information and intelligence
to make conversation interesting, there was nothing about him by which
they could lay hold of him.  Of course, that rendered them particularly
anxious to lay hold of him.  Joseph's lady friends might, roughly
speaking, be divided into two groups: the unmarried, who wanted to marry
him to themselves; and the married, who wanted to marry him to somebody
else.  It would be a social disaster, the latter had agreed among
themselves, if Joseph Loveredge should never wed.

"He would make such an excellent husband for poor Bridget."

"Or Gladys.  I wonder how old Gladys really is?"

"Such a nice, kind little man."

"And when one thinks of the sort of men that _are_ married, it does seem
such a pity!"

"I wonder why he never has married, because he's just the sort of man
you'd think _would_ have married."

"I wonder if he ever was in love."

"Oh, my dear, you don't mean to tell me that a man has reached the age of
forty without ever being in love!"

The ladies would sigh.

"I do hope if ever he does marry, it will be somebody nice.  Men are so
easily deceived."

"I shouldn't be surprised myself a bit if something came of it with
Bridget.  She's a dear girl, Bridget--so genuine."

"Well, I think myself, dear, if it's anyone, it's Gladys.  I should be so
glad to see poor dear Gladys settled."

The unmarried kept their thoughts more to themselves.  Each one, upon
reflection, saw ground for thinking that Joseph Loveredge had given proof
of feeling preference for herself.  The irritating thing was that, on
further reflection, it was equally clear that Joseph Loveredge had shown
signs of preferring most of the others.

Meanwhile Joseph Loveredge went undisturbed upon his way.  At eight
o'clock in the morning Joseph's housekeeper entered the room with a cup
of tea and a dry biscuit.  At eight-fifteen Joseph Loveredge arose and
performed complicated exercises on an indiarubber pulley, warranted, if
persevered in, to bestow grace upon the figure and elasticity upon the
limbs.  Joseph Loveredge persevered steadily, and had done so for years,
and was himself contented with the result, which, seeing it concerned
nobody else, was all that could be desired.  At half-past eight on
Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, Joseph Loveredge breakfasted on one cup
of tea, brewed by himself; one egg, boiled by himself; and two pieces of
toast, the first one spread with marmalade, the second with butter.  On
Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays Joseph Loveredge discarded eggs and
ate a rasher of bacon.  On Sundays Joseph Loveredge had both eggs and
bacon, but then allowed himself half an hour longer for reading the
paper.  At nine-thirty Joseph Loveredge left the house for the office of
the old-established journal of which he was the incorruptible and
honoured City editor.  At one-forty-five, having left his office at one-
thirty, Joseph Loveredge entered the Autolycus Club and sat down to
lunch.  Everything else in Joseph's life was arranged with similar
preciseness, so far as was possible with the duties of a City editor.
Monday evening Joseph spent with musical friends at Brixton.  Friday was
Joseph's theatre night.  On Tuesdays and Thursdays he was open to receive
invitations out to dinner; on Wednesdays and Saturdays he invited four
friends to dine with him at Regent's Park.  On Sundays, whatever the
season, Joseph Loveredge took an excursion into the country.  He had his
regular hours for reading, his regular hours for thinking.  Whether in
Fleet Street, or the Tyrol, on the Thames, or in the Vatican, you might
recognise him from afar by his grey frock-coat, his patent-leather boots,
his brown felt hat, his lavender tie.  The man was a born bachelor.  When
the news of his engagement crept through the smoky portals of the
Autolycus Club nobody believed it.

"Impossible!" asserted Jack Herring.  "I've known Joey's life for fifteen
years.  Every five minutes is arranged for.  He could never have found
the time to do it."

"He doesn't like women, not in that way; I've heard him say so,"
explained Alexander the Poet.  "His opinion is that women are the artists
of Society--delightful as entertainers, but troublesome to live with."

"I call to mind," said the Wee Laddie, "a story he told me in this verra
room, barely three months agone: Some half a dozen of them were gong home
together from the Devonshire.  They had had a joyous evening, and one of
them--Joey did not notice which--suggested their dropping in at his place
just for a final whisky.  They were laughing and talking in the dining-
room, when their hostess suddenly appeared upon the scene in a costume--so
Joey described it--the charm of which was its variety.  She was a nice-
looking woman, Joey said, but talked too much; and when the first lull
occurred, Joey turned to the man sitting nighest to him, and who looked
bored, and suggested in a whisper that it was about time they went.

"'Perhaps you had better go,' assented the bored-looking man.  'Wish I
could come with you; but, you see, I live here.'"

"I don't believe it," said Somerville the Briefless.  "He's been cracking
his jokes, and some silly woman has taken him seriously."

But the rumour grew into report, developed detail, lost all charm,
expanded into plain recital of fact.  Joey had not been seen within the
Club for more than a week--in itself a deadly confirmation.  The question
became: Who was she--what was she like?

"It's none of our set, or we should have heard something from her side
before now," argued acutely Somerville the Briefless.

"Some beastly kid who will invite us to dances and forget the supper,"
feared Johnny Bulstrode, commonly called the Babe.  "Old men always fall
in love with young girls."

"Forty," explained severely Peter Hope, editor and part proprietor of
_Good Humour_, "is not old."

"Well, it isn't young," persisted Johnny.

"Good thing for you, Johnny, if it is a girl," thought Jack Herring.
"Somebody for you to play with.  I often feel sorry for you, having
nobody but grown-up people to talk to."

"They do get a bit stodgy after a certain age," agreed the Babe.

"I am hoping," said Peter, "it will be some sensible, pleasant woman, a
little over thirty.  He is a dear fellow, Loveredge; and forty is a very
good age for a man to marry."

"Well, if I'm not married before I'm forty--" said the Babe.

"Oh, don't you fret," Jack Herring interrupted him--"a pretty boy like
you!  We will give a ball next season, and bring you out, if you're
good--get you off our hands in no time."

It was August.  Joey went away for his holiday without again entering the
Club.  The lady's name was Henrietta Elizabeth Doone.  It was said by the
_Morning Post_ that she was connected with the Doones of Gloucestershire.

Doones of Gloucestershire--Doones of Gloucestershire mused Miss
Ramsbotham, Society journalist, who wrote the weekly Letter to Clorinda,
discussing the matter with Peter Hope in the editorial office of _Good
Humour_.  "Knew a Doon who kept a big second-hand store in Euston Road
and called himself an auctioneer.  He bought a small place in
Gloucestershire and added an 'e' to his name.  Wonder if it's the same?"

"I had a cat called Elizabeth once," said Peter Hope.

"I don't see what that's got to do with it."

"No, of course not," agreed Peter.  "But I was rather fond of it.  It was
a quaint sort of animal, considered as a cat--would never speak to
another cat, and hated being out after ten o'clock at night."

"What happened to it?" demanded Miss Ramsbotham.

"Fell off a roof," sighed Peter Hope.  "Wasn't used to them."

The marriage took place abroad, at the English Church at Montreux.  Mr.
and Mrs. Loveredge returned at the end of September.  The Autolycus Club
subscribed to send a present of a punch-bowl, left cards, and waited with
curiosity to see the bride.  But no invitation arrived.  Nor for a month
was Joey himself seen within the Club.  Then, one foggy afternoon, waking
after a doze, with a cold cigar in his mouth, Jack Herring noticed he was
not the only occupant of the smoking-room.  In a far corner, near a
window, sat Joseph Loveredge reading a magazine.  Jack Herring rubbed his
eyes, then rose and crossed the room.

"I thought at first," explained Jack Herring, recounting the incident
later in the evening, "that I must be dreaming.  There he sat, drinking
his five o'clock whisky-and-soda, the same Joey Loveredge I had known for
fifteen years; yet not the same.  Not a feature altered, not a hair on
his head changed, yet the whole face was different; the same body, the
same clothes, but another man.  We talked for half an hour; he remembered
everything that Joey Loveredge had known.  I couldn't understand it.
Then, as the clock struck, and he rose, saying he must be home at half-
past five, the explanation suddenly occurred to me: _Joey Loveredge was
dead_; _this was a married man_."

"We don't want your feeble efforts at psychological romance," told him
Somerville the Briefless.  "We want to know what you talked about.  Dead
or married, the man who can drink whisky-and-soda must be held
responsible for his actions.  What's the little beggar mean by cutting us
all in this way?  Did he ask after any of us?  Did he leave any message
for any of us?  Did he invite any of us to come an see him?"

"Yes, he did ask after nearly everybody; I was coming to that.  But he
didn't leave any message.  I didn't gather that he was pining for old
relationships with any of us."

"Well, I shall go round to the office to-morrow morning," said Somerville
the Briefless, "and force my way in if necessary.  This is getting
mysterious."

But Somerville returned only to puzzle the Autolycus Club still further.
Joey had talked about the weather, the state of political parties, had
received with unfeigned interest all gossip concerning his old friends;
but about himself, his wife, nothing had been gleaned.  Mrs. Loveredge
was well; Mrs. Loveredge's relations were also well.  But at present Mrs.
Loveredge was not receiving.

Members of the Autolycus Club with time upon their hands took up the
business of private detectives.  Mrs. Loveredge turned out to be a
handsome, well-dressed lady of about thirty, as Peter Hope had desired.
At eleven in the morning, Mrs. Loveredge shopped in the neighbourhood of
the Hampstead Road.  In the afternoon, Mrs. Loveredge, in a hired
carriage, would slowly promenade the Park, looking, it was noticed, with
intense interest at the occupants of other carriages as they passed, but
evidently having no acquaintances among them.  The carriage, as a general
rule, would call at Joey's office at five, and Mr. and Mrs. Loveredge
would drive home.  Jack Herring, as the oldest friend, urged by the other
members, took the bull by the horns and called boldly.  On neither
occasion was Mrs. Loveredge at home.

"I'm damned if I go again!" said Jack.  "She was in the second time, I
know.  I watched her into the house.  Confound the stuck-up pair of
them!"

Bewilderment gave place to indignation.  Now and again Joey would creep,
a mental shadow of his former self, into the Club where once every member
would have risen with a smile to greet him.  They gave him curt answers
and turned away from him.  Peter Hope one afternoon found him there
alone, standing with his hands in his pockets looking out of window.
Peter was fifty, so he said, maybe a little older; men of forty were to
him mere boys.  So Peter, who hated mysteries, stepped forward with a
determined air and clapped Joey on the shoulder.

"I want to know, Joey," said Peter, "I want to know whether I am to go on
liking you, or whether I've got to think poorly of you.  Out with it."

Joey turned to him a face so full of misery that Peter's heart was
touched.  "You can't tell how wretched it makes me," said Joey.  "I
didn't know it was possible to feel so uncomfortable as I have felt
during these last three months."

"It's the wife, I suppose?" suggested Peter.

"She's a dear girl.  She only has one fault."

"It's a pretty big one," returned Peter.  "I should try and break her of
it if I were you."

"Break her of it!" cried the little man.  "You might as well advise me to
break a brick wall with my head.  I had no idea what they were like.  I
never dreamt it."

"But what is her objection to us?  We are clean, we are fairly
intelligent--"

"My dear Peter, do you think I haven't said all that, and a hundred
things more?  A woman! she gets an idea into her head, and every argument
against it hammers it in further.  She has gained her notion of what she
calls Bohemia from the comic journals.  It's our own fault, we have done
it ourselves.  There's no persuading her that it's a libel."

"Won't she see a few of us--judge for herself?  There's Porson--why
Porson might have been a bishop.  Or Somerville--Somerville's Oxford
accent is wasted here.  It has no chance."

"It isn't only that," explained Joey; "she has ambitions, social
ambitions.  She thinks that if we begin with the wrong set, we'll never
get into the right.  We have three friends at present, and, so far as I
can see, are never likely to have any more.  My dear boy, you'd never
believe there could exist such bores.  There's a man and his wife named
Holyoake.  They dine with us on Thursdays, and we dine with them on
Tuesdays.  Their only title to existence consists in their having a
cousin in the House of Lords; they claim no other right themselves.  He
is a widower, getting on for eighty.  Apparently he's the only relative
they have, and when he dies, they talk of retiring into the country.
There's a fellow named Cutler, who visited once at Marlborough House in
connection with a charity.  You'd think to listen to him that he had
designs upon the throne.  The most tiresome of them all is a noisy woman
who, as far as I can make out, hasn't any name at all.  'Miss Montgomery'
is on her cards, but that is only what she calls herself.  Who she really
is!  It would shake the foundations of European society if known.  We sit
and talk about the aristocracy; we don't seem to know anybody else.  I
tried on one occasion a little sarcasm as a corrective--recounted
conversations between myself and the Prince of Wales, in which I
invariably addressed him as 'Teddy.'  It sounds tall, I know, but those
people took it in.  I was too astonished to undeceive them at the time,
the consequence is I am a sort of little god to them.  They come round me
and ask for more.  What am I to do?  I am helpless among them.  I've
never had anything to do before with the really first-prize idiot; the
usual type, of course, one knows, but these, if you haven't met them, are
inconceivable.  I try insulting them; they don't even know I am insulting
them.  Short of dragging them out of their chairs and kicking them round
the room, I don't see how to make them understand it."

"And Mrs. Loveredge?" asked the sympathetic Peter, "is she--"

"Between ourselves," said Joey, sinking his voice to a needless whisper,
seeing he and Peter were the sole occupants of the smoking-room--"I
couldn't, of course, say it to a younger man--but between ourselves, my
wife is a charming woman.  You don't know her."

"Doesn't seem much chance of my ever doing so," laughed Peter.

"So graceful, so dignified, so--so queenly," continued the little man,
with rising enthusiasm.  "She has only one fault--she has no sense of
humour."

To Peter, as it has been said, men of forty were mere boys.

"My dear fellow, whatever could have induced you--"

"I know--I know all that," interrupted the mere boy.  "Nature arranges it
on purpose.  Tall and solemn prigs marry little women with turned-up
noses.  Cheerful little fellows like myself--we marry serious, stately
women.  If it were otherwise, the human race would be split up into
species."

"Of course, if you were actuated by a sense of public duty--"

"Don't be a fool, Peter Hope," returned the little man.  "I'm in love
with my wife just as she is, and always shall be.  I know the woman with
a sense of humour, and of the two I prefer the one without.  The Juno
type is my ideal.  I must take the rough with the smooth.  One can't have
a jolly, chirpy Juno, and wouldn't care for her if one could."

"Then are you going to give up all your old friends?"

"Don't suggest it," pleaded the little man.  "You don't know how
miserable it makes me--the mere idea.  Tell them to be patient.  The
secret of dealing with women, I have found, is to do nothing rashly."  The
clock struck five.  "I must go now," said Joey.  "Don't misjudge her,
Peter, and don't let the others.  She's a dear girl.  You'll like her,
all of you, when you know her.  A dear girl!  She only has that one
fault."

Joey went out.

Peter did his best that evening to explain the true position of affairs
without imputing snobbery to Mrs. Loveredge.  It was a difficult task,
and Peter cannot be said to have accomplished it successfully.  Anger and
indignation against Joey gave place to pity.  The members of the
Autolycus Club also experienced a little irritation on their own account.

"What does the woman take us for?" demanded Somerville the Briefless.
"Doesn't she know that we lunch with real actors and actresses, that once
a year we are invited to dine at the Mansion House?"

"Has she never heard of the aristocracy of genius?" demanded Alexander
the Poet.

"The explanation may be that possibly she has seen it," feared the Wee
Laddie.

"One of us ought to waylay the woman," argued the Babe--"insist upon her
talking to him for ten minutes.  I've half a mind to do it myself."

Jack Herring said nothing--seemed thoughtful.

The next morning Jack Herring, still thoughtful, called at the editorial
offices of _Good Humour_, in Crane Court, and borrowed Miss Ramsbotham's
Debrett.  Three days later Jack Herring informed the Club casually that
he had dined the night before with Mr. and Mrs. Loveredge.  The Club gave
Jack Herring politely to understand that they regarded him as a liar, and
proceeded to demand particulars.

"If I wasn't there," explained Jack Herring, with unanswerable logic,
"how can I tell you anything about it?"

This annoyed the Club, whose curiosity had been whetted.  Three members,
acting in the interests of the whole, solemnly undertook to believe
whatever he might tell them.  But Jack Herring's feelings had been
wounded.

"When gentlemen cast a doubt upon another gentleman's veracity--"

"We didn't cast a doubt," explained Somerville the Briefless.  "We merely
said that we personally did not believe you.  We didn't say we couldn't
believe you; it is a case for individual effort.  If you give us
particulars bearing the impress of reality, supported by details that do
not unduly contradict each other, we are prepared to put aside our
natural suspicions and face the possibility of your statement being
correct."

"It was foolish of me," said Jack Herring.  "I thought perhaps it would
amuse you to hear what sort of a woman Mrs. Loveredge was like--some
description of Mrs. Loveredge's uncle.  Miss Montgomery, friend of Mrs.
Loveredge, is certainly one of the most remarkable women I have ever met.
Of course, that isn't her real name.  But, as I have said, it was foolish
of me.  These people--you will never meet them, you will never see them;
of what interest can they be to you?"

"They had forgotten to draw down the blinds, and he climbed up a lamp-
post and looked through the window," was the solution of the problem put
forward by the Wee Laddie.

"I'm dining there again on Saturday," volunteered Jack Herring.  "If any
of you will promise not to make a disturbance, you can hang about on the
Park side, underneath the shadow of the fence, and watch me go in.  My
hansom will draw up at the door within a few minutes of eight."

The Babe and the Poet agreed to undertake the test.

"You won't mind our hanging round a little while, in case you're thrown
out again?" asked the Babe.

"Not in the least, so far as I am concerned," replied Jack Herring.
"Don't leave it too late and make your mother anxious."

"It's true enough," the Babe recounted afterwards.  "The door was opened
by a manservant and he went straight in.  We walked up and down for half
an hour, and unless they put him out the back way, he's telling the
truth."

"Did you hear him give his name?" asked Somerville, who was stroking his
moustache.

"No, we were too far off," explained the Babe.  "But--I'll swear it was
Jack--there couldn't be any mistake about that."

"Perhaps not," agreed Somerville the Briefless.

Somerville the Briefless called at the offices of _Good Humour_, in Crane
Court, the following morning, and he also borrowed Miss Ramsbotham's
Debrett.

"What's the meaning of it?" demanded the sub-editor.

"Meaning of what?"

"This sudden interest of all you fellows in the British Peerage."

"All of us?"

"Well, Herring was here last week, poring over that book for half an
hour, with the _Morning Post_ spread out before him.  Now you're doing
the same thing."

"Ah!  Jack Herring, was he?  I thought as much.  Don't talk about it,
Tommy.  I'll tell you later on."

On the following Monday, the Briefless one announced to the Club that he
had received an invitation to dine at the Loveredges' on the following
Wednesday.  On Tuesday, the Briefless one entered the Club with a slow
and stately step.  Halting opposite old Goslin the porter, who had
emerged from his box with the idea of discussing the Oxford and Cambridge
boat race, Somerville, removing his hat with a sweep of the arm, held it
out in silence.  Old Goslin, much astonished, took it mechanically,
whereupon the Briefless one, shaking himself free from his Inverness
cape, flung it lightly after the hat, and strolled on, not noticing that
old Goslin, unaccustomed to coats lightly and elegantly thrown at him,
dropping the hat, had caught it on his head, and had been, in the
language of the prompt-book, "left struggling."  The Briefless one,
entering the smoking-room, lifted a chair and let it fall again with a
crash, and sitting down upon it, crossed his legs and rang the bell.

"Ye're doing it verra weel," remarked approvingly the Wee Laddie.  "Ye're
just fitted for it by nature."

"Fitted for what?" demanded the Briefless one, waking up apparently from
a dream.

"For an Adelphi guest at eighteenpence the night," assured him the Wee
Laddie.  "Ye're just splendid at it."

The Briefless one, muttering that the worst of mixing with journalists
was that if you did not watch yourself, you fell into their ways, drank
his whisky in silence.  Later, the Babe swore on a copy of _Sell's
Advertising Guide_ that, crossing the Park, he had seen the Briefless one
leaning over the railings of Rotten Row, clad in a pair of new kid
gloves, swinging a silver-headed cane.

One morning towards the end of the week, Joseph Loveredge, looking twenty
years younger than when Peter had last seen him, dropped in at the
editorial office of _Good Humour_ and demanded of Peter Hope how he felt
and what he thought of the present price of Emma Mines.

Peter Hope's fear was that the gambling fever was spreading to all
classes of society.

"I want you to dine with us on Sunday," said Joseph Loveredge.  "Jack
Herring will be there.  You might bring Tommy with you."

Peter Hope gulped down his astonishment and said he should be delighted;
he thought that Tommy also was disengaged.  "Mrs. Loveredge out of town,
I presume?" questioned Peter Hope.

"On the contrary," replied Joseph Loveredge, "I want you to meet her."

Joseph Loveredge removed a pile of books from one chair and placed them
carefully upon another, after which he went and stood before the fire.

"Don't if you don't like," said Joseph Loveredge; "but if you don't mind,
you might call yourself, just for the evening--say, the Duke of
Warrington."

"Say the what?" demanded Peter Hope.

"The Duke of Warrington," repeated Joey.  "We are rather short of dukes.
Tommy can be the Lady Adelaide, your daughter."

"Don't be an ass!" said Peter Hope.

"I'm not an ass," assured him Joseph Loveredge.  "He is wintering in
Egypt.  You have run back for a week to attend to business.  There is no
Lady Adelaide, so that's quite simple."

"But what in the name of--" began Peter Hope.

"Don't you see what I'm driving at?" persisted Joey.  "It was Jack's idea
at the beginning.  I was frightened myself at first, but it is working to
perfection.  She sees you, and sees that you are a gentleman.  When the
truth comes out--as, of course, it must later on--the laugh will be
against her."

"You think--you think that'll comfort her?" suggested Peter Hope.

"It's the only way, and it is really wonderfully simple.  We never
mention the aristocracy now--it would be like talking shop.  We just
enjoy ourselves.  You, by the way, I met in connection with the movement
for rational dress.  You are a bit of a crank, fond of frequenting
Bohemian circles."

"I am risking something, I know," continued Joey; "but it's worth it.  I
couldn't have existed much longer.  We go slowly, and are very careful.
Jack is Lord Mount-Primrose, who has taken up with anti-vaccination and
who never goes out into Society.  Somerville is Sir Francis Baldwin, the
great authority on centipedes.  The Wee Laddie is coming next week as
Lord Garrick, who married that dancing-girl, Prissy Something, and
started a furniture shop in Bond Street.  I had some difficulty at first.
She wanted to send out paragraphs, but I explained that was only done by
vulgar persons--that when the nobility came to you as friends, it was
considered bad taste.  She is a dear girl, as I have always told you,
with only one fault.  A woman easier to deceive one could not wish for.  I
don't myself see why the truth ever need come out--provided we keep our
heads."

"Seems to me you've lost them already," commented Peter; "you're
overdoing it."

"The more of us the better," explained Joey; "we help each other.
Besides, I particularly want you in it.  There's a sort of superior
Pickwickian atmosphere surrounding you that disarms suspicion."

"You leave me out of it," growled Peter.

"See here," laughed Joey; "you come as the Duke of Warrington, and bring
Tommy with you, and I'll write your City article."

"For how long?" snapped Peter.  Incorruptible City editors are not easily
picked up.

"Oh, well, for as long as you like."

"On that understanding," agreed Peter, "I'm willing to make a fool of
myself in your company."

"You'll soon get used to it," Joey told him; "eight o'clock, then, on
Sunday; plain evening dress.  If you like to wear a bit of red ribbon in
your buttonhole, why, do so.  You can get it at Evans', in Covent
Garden."

"And Tommy is the Lady--"

"Adelaide.  Let her have a taste for literature, then she needn't wear
gloves.  I know she hates them."  Joey turned to go.

"Am I married?" asked Peter.

Joey paused.  "I should avoid all reference to your matrimonial affairs
if I were you," was Joey's advice.  "You didn't come out of that business
too well."

"Oh! as bad as that, was I?  You don't think Mrs. Loveredge will object
to me?"

"I have asked her that.  She's a dear, broad-minded girl.  I've promised
not to leave you alone with Miss Montgomery, and Willis has had
instructions not to let you mix your drinks."

"I'd have liked to have been someone a trifle more respectable," grumbled
Peter.

"We rather wanted a duke," explained Joey, "and he was the only one that
fitted in all round."

The dinner a was a complete success.  Tommy, entering into the spirit of
the thing, bought a new pair of open-work stockings and assumed a languid
drawl.  Peter, who was growing forgetful, introduced her as the Lady
Alexandra; it did not seem to matter, both beginning with an A.  She
greeted Lord Mount-Primrose as "Billy," and asked affectionately after
his mother.  Joey told his raciest stories.  The Duke of Warrington
called everybody by their Christian names, and seemed well acquainted
with Bohemian society--a more amiable nobleman it would have been
impossible to discover.  The lady whose real name was not Miss Montgomery
sat in speechless admiration.  The hostess was the personification of
gracious devotion.

Other little dinners, equally successful, followed.  Joey's
acquaintanceship appeared to be confined exclusively to the higher
circles of the British aristocracy--with one exception: that of a German

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