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Jokes For All Occasions

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Title: Jokes For All Occasions

Author: Anonymous


        
Release date: April 15, 2007 [eBook #21084]
                Most recently updated: January 2, 2021

Language: English

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Produced by Barbara Tozier, Bill Tozier, Martin Pettit and
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JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS


SELECTED AND EDITED BY ONE OF AMERICA'S FOREMOST PUBLIC SPEAKERS

[Illustration: Publisher's logo]


NEW YORK
EDWARD J. CLODE


COPYRIGHT, 1921, 1922, BY

EDWARD J. CLODE


_Printed in the United States of America_




JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS




PREFACE


The ways of telling a story are as many as the tellers themselves. It is
impossible to lay down precise rules by which any one may perfect
himself in the art, but it is possible to offer suggestions by which to
guide practise in narration toward a gratifying success.

Broadly distinguished, there are two methods of telling a story. One
uses the extreme of brevity, and makes its chief reliance on the point.
The other devotes itself in great part to preliminary elaboration in the
narrative, making this as amusing as possible, so that the point itself
serves to cap a climax. In the public telling of an anecdote the tyro
would be well advised to follow the first method. That is, he should put
his reliance on the point of the story, and on this alone. He should
scrupulously limit himself to such statements as are absolutely
essential to clear understanding of the point. He should make a careful
examination of the story with two objects in mind: the first, to
determine just what is required in the way of explanation; the second,
an exact understanding of the point itself. Then, when it comes to the
relating of the story, he must simply give the information required by
the hearers in order to appreciate the point. As to the point itself, he
must guard against any carelessness. Omission of an essential detail is
fatal. It may be well for him, at the outset, to memorize the conclusion
of the story. No matter how falteringly the story is told, it will
succeed if the point itself be made clear, and this is insured for even
the most embarrassed speaker by memorizing it.

The art of making the whole narration entertaining and amusing is to be
attained only by intelligent practise. It is commonly believed that
story-sellers are born, not made. As a matter of fact, however, the
skilled raconteurs owe their skill in great measure to the fact that
they are unwearying in practise. It is, therefore, recommended to any
one having ambition in this direction that he cultivate his ability by
exercising it. He should practise short and simple stories according to
his opportunities, with the object of making the narration smooth and
easy. An audience of one or two familiar friends is sufficient in the
earlier efforts. Afterward, the practise may be extended before a larger
number of listeners on social occasions. When facility has been attained
in the simplest form, attempts to extend the preliminary narrative
should be made. The preparation should include an effort to invest the
characters of the story; or its setting, with qualities amusing in
themselves, quite apart from any relation to the point. Precise
instruction cannot be given, but concentration along this line will of
itself develop the humorous perception of the story-teller, so that,
though the task may appear too difficult in prospect, it will not prove
so in actual experience. But, in every instance, care must be exercised
to keep the point of the story clearly in view, and to omit nothing
essential in the preparation for it.

In the selection of stories to be retailed, it is the part of wisdom to
choose the old, rather than the new. This is because the new story, so
called, travels with frightful velocity under modern social conditions,
and, in any particular case, the latest story, when told by you to a
friend, has just been heard by him from some other victim of it. But
the memory of most persons for stories is very short. Practically never
does it last for years. So, it is uniformly safe to present as novelties
at the present day the humor of past decades. Moreover, the exercise of
some slight degree of ingenuity will serve to give those touches in the
way of change by which the story may be brought up to date. Indeed, by
such adaptation, the story is made really one's own--as the professional
humorists thankfully admit!




INTRODUCTION


Wit and humor, and the distinction between them, defy precise
definition. Luckily, they need none. To one asking what is beauty, a wit
replied: "That is the question of a blind man." Similarly, none requires
a definition of wit and humor unless he himself be lacking in all
appreciation of them, and, if he be so lacking, no amount of explanation
will avail to give him understanding. Borrow, in one of his sermons,
declared concerning wit: "It is, indeed, a thing so versatile,
multiform, appearing in so many shapes and garbs, so variously
apprehended of several eyes and judgments, that it seemeth no less hard
to settle a clear and certain notion thereof than to make a portrait of
Proteus, or to define the figure of the fleeting wind." Nor is it
fitting to attempt exact distinctions between wit and humor, which are
essentially two aspects of one thing. It is enough to realize that humor
is the product of nature rather than of art, while wit is the expression
of an intellectual art. Humor exerts an emotional appeal, produces
smiles or laughter; wit may be amusing, or it may not, according to the
circumstances, but it always provokes an intellectual appreciation.
Thus, Nero made a pun on the name of Seneca, when the philosopher was
brought before him for sentence. In speaking the decree that the old man
should kill himself, the emperor used merely the two Latin words: "Se
neca." We admit the ghastly cleverness of the jest, but we do not
chuckle over it.

The element of surprise is common to both wit and humor, and it is
often a sufficient cause for laughter in itself, irrespective of any
essentially amusing quality in the cause of the surprise. The
unfamiliar, for this reason, often has a ludicrous appeal to primitive
peoples. An African tribe, on being told by the missionary that the
world is round, roared with laughter for hours; it is told of a Mikado
that he burst a blood-vessel and died in a fit of merriment induced by
hearing that the American people ruled themselves. In like fashion, the
average person grins or guffaws at sight of a stranger in an outlandish
costume, although, as a matter of fact, the dress may be in every
respect superior to his own. Simply, its oddity somehow tickles the
risibilities. Such surprise is occasioned by contrasting circumstances.
When a pompous gentleman, marching magnificently, suddenly steps on a
banana peel, pirouettes, somersaults, and sits with extreme violence, we
laugh before asking if he broke a leg.

The fundamentals of wit and humor are the same throughout all the
various tribes of earth, throughout all the various ages of history. The
causes of amusement are essentially the same everywhere and always, and
only the setting changes according to time and place. But racial
characteristics establish preferences for certain aspects of fun-making,
and such preferences serve to some extent in differentiating the written
humor of the world along the lines of nationality. Nevertheless, it is a
fact that the really amusing story has an almost universal appeal. I
have seen in an American country newspaper a town correspondent's
humorous effort in which he gave Si Perkins's explanation of being in
jail. And that explanation ran on all fours with a Chinese story ages
and ages old. The local correspondent did not plagiarize from the
Chinaman: merely, the humorous bent of the two was identical. In the
ancient Oriental tale, a man who wore the thief's collar as a punishment
was questioned by an acquaintance concerning the cause of his plight.

"Why, it was just nothing at all," the convict explained easily. "I was
strolling along the edge of the canal, when I happened to catch sight of
a bit of old rope. Of course, I knew that old piece of rope was of no
use to anyone, and so I just picked it up, and took it home with me."

"But I don't understand," the acquaintance exclaimed. "Why should they
punish you so severely for a little thing like that? I don't understand
it."

"I don't understand it, either," the convict declared, "unless, maybe,
it was because there was an ox at the other end of the rope."

The universality of humor is excellently illustrated in Greek
literature, where is to be found many a joke at which we are laughing
to-day, as others have laughed through the centuries. Half a thousand
years before the Christian era, a platonic philosopher at Alexandria, by
name Hierocles, grouped twenty-one jests in a volume under the title,
"Asteia." Some of them are still current with us as typical Irish bulls.
Among these were accounts of the "Safety-first" enthusiast who
determined never to enter the water until he had learned to swim; of the
horse-owner, training his nag to live without eating, who was successful
in reducing the feed to a straw a day, and was about to cut this off
when the animal spoiled the test by dying untimely; of the fellow who
posed before a looking glass with his eyes closed, to learn how he
looked when asleep; of the inquisitive person who held a crow captive in
order to test for himself whether it would live two centuries; of the
man who demanded to know from an acquaintance met in the street whether
it was he or his twin brother who had just been buried. Another Greek
jest that has enjoyed a vogue throughout the world at large, and will
doubtless survive even prohibition, was the utterance of Diogenes, when
he was asked as to what sort of wine he preferred. His reply was: "That
of other people."

Again, we may find numerous duplicates of contemporary stories of our
own in the collection over which generations of Turks have laughed, the
tales of Nasir Eddin. In reference to these, it may be noted that
Turkish wit and humor are usually distinguished by a moralizing quality.
When a man came to Nasir Eddin for the loan of a rope, the request was
refused with the excuse that Nasir's only piece had been used to tie up
flour. "But it is impossible to tie up flour with a rope," was the
protest. Nasir Eddin answered: "I can tie up anything with a rope when I
do not wish to lend it."

When another would have borrowed his ass, Nasir replied that he had
already loaned the animal. Thereupon, the honest creature brayed from
the stable. "But the ass is there," the visitor cried indignantly. "I
hear it!" Nasir Eddin retorted indignantly: "What! Would you take the
word of an ass instead of mine?"

In considering the racial characteristics of humor, we should pay
tribute to the Spanish in the person of Cervantes, for _Don Quixote_ is
a mine of drollery. But the bulk of the humor among all the Latin races
is of a sort that our more prudish standards cannot approve. On the
other hand, German humor often displays a characteristic spirit of
investigation. Thus, the little boy watching the pupils of a girls'
school promenading two by two, graded according to age, with the
youngest first and the oldest last, inquired of his mother: "Mama, why
is it that the girls' legs grow shorter as they grow older?" In the way
of wit, an excellent illustration is afforded by Heine, who on receiving
a book from its author wrote in acknowledgment of the gift: "I shall
lose no time in reading it."

The French are admirable in both wit and humor, and the humor is usually
kindly, though the shafts of wit are often barbed. I remember a humorous
picture of a big man shaking a huge trombone in the face of a tiny
canary in its cage, while he roars in anger: "That's it! Just as I was
about, with the velvety tones of my instrument, to imitate the
twittering of little birds in the forest, you have to interrupt with
your infernal din!" The caustic quality of French wit is illustrated
plenteously by Voltaire. There is food for meditation in his utterance:
"Nothing is so disagreeable as to be obscurely hanged." He it was, too,
who sneered at England for having sixty religions and only one gravy. To
an adversary in argument who quoted the minor prophet Habakkuk, he
retorted contemptuously: "A person with a name like that is capable of
saying anything."

But French wit is by no means always of the cutting sort. Its more
amiable aspect is shown by the declaration of Brillat Savarin to the
effect that a dinner without cheese is like a beautiful woman with only
one eye. Often the wit is merely the measure of absurdity, as when a
courtier in speaking of a fat friend said: "I found him sitting all
around the table by himself." And there is a ridiculous story of the
impecunious and notorious Marquis de Favières who visited a Parisian
named Barnard, and announced himself as follows:

"Monsieur, I am about to astonish you greatly. I am the Marquis de
Favières. I do not know you, but I come to you to borrow five-hundred
luis."

Barnard answered with equal explicitness:

"Monsieur, I am going to astonish you much more. I know you, and I am
going to lend them to you."

The amiable malice, to use a paradoxical phrase, which is often
characteristic of French tales, is capitally displayed in the following:

The wife of a villager in Poitou became ill, and presently fell into a
trance, which deceived even the physician, so that she was pronounced
dead, and duly prepared for burial. Following the local usage, the body
was wrapped in a sheet, to be borne to the burial place on the shoulders
of four men chosen from the neighborhood. The procession followed a
narrow path leading across the fields to the cemetery. At a turning, a
thorn tree stood so close that one of the thorns tore through the sheet
and lacerated the woman's flesh. The blood flowed from the wound, and
she suddenly aroused to consciousness. Fourteen years elapsed before the
good wife actually came to her deathbed. On this occasion, the
ceremonial was repeated. And now, as the bearers of the body approached
the turn of the path, the husband called to them:

"Look out for the thorn tree, friends!"

The written humor of the Dutch does not usually make a very strong
appeal to us. They are inclined to be ponderous even in their play, and
lack in great measure the sarcasm and satire and the lighter subtlety in
fun-making. History records a controversy between Holland and Zealand,
which was argued pro and con during a period of years with great
earnestness. The subject for debate that so fascinated the Dutchmen was:
"Does the cod take the hook, or does the hook take the cod?"

Because British wit and humor often present themselves under aspects
somewhat different from those preferred by us, we belittle their efforts
unjustly. As a matter of fact, the British attainments in this direction
are the best in the world, next to our own. Moreover, in the British
colonies is to be found a spirit of humor that exactly parallels our own
in many distinctive features. Thus, there is a Canadian story that might
just as well have originated below the line, of an Irish girl, recently
imported, who visited her clergyman and inquired his fee for marrying.
He informed her that his charge was two dollars. A month later, the girl
visited the clergyman for the second time, and at once handed him two
dollars, with the crisp direction, "Go ahead and marry me."

"Where is the bridegroom?" the clergyman asked.

"What!" exclaimed the girl, dismayed. "Don't you furnish him for the two
dollars?"

It would seem that humor is rather more enjoyable to the British taste
than wit, though there is, indeed, no lack of the latter. But the people
delight most in absurd situations that appeal to the risibilities
without any injury to the feelings of others. For example, Dickens
relates an anecdote concerning two men, who were about to be hanged at a
public execution. When they were already on the scaffold in preparation
for the supreme moment, a bull being led to market broke loose and ran
amuck through the great crowd assembled to witness the hanging. One of
the condemned men on the scaffold turned to his fellow, and remarked:

"I say, mate, it's a good thing we're not in that crowd."

In spite of the gruesome setting and the gory antics of the bull, the
story is amusing in a way quite harmless. Similarly, too, there is only
wholesome amusement in the woman's response to a vegetarian, who made
her a proposal of marriage. She did, not mince her words:

"Go along with you! What? Be flesh of your flesh, and you a-living on
cabbage? Go marry a grass widow!"

The kindly spirit of British humor is revealed even in sarcastic jesting
on the domestic relation, which, on the contrary, provokes the bitterest
jibes of the Latins. The shortest of jokes, and perhaps the most famous,
was in the single word of _Punch's_ advice to those about to get
married:

"Don't!"

The like good nature is in the words of a woman who was taken to a
hospital in the East End of London. She had been shockingly beaten, and
the attending surgeon was moved to pity for her and indignation against
her assailant.

"Who did this?" he demanded. "Was it your husband?"

"Lor' bless yer, no!" she declared huffily. "W'y, my 'usband 'e 's more
like a friend nor a 'usband!"

Likewise, of the two men who had drunk not wisely but too well, with
the result that in the small hours they retired to rest in the gutter.
Presently, one of the pair lifted his voice in protest:

"I shay, le's go to nuzzer hotel--this leaksh!"

Or the incident of the tramp, who at the back door solicited alms of a
suspicious housewife. His nose was large and of a purple hue. The woman
stared at it with an accusing eye, and questioned bluntly:

"What makes your nose so red?"

The tramp answered with heavy sarcasm:

"That 'ere nose o' mine, mum, is a-blushin' with pride, 'cause it ain't
stuck into other folks's business."

But British wit, while often amiable enough, may on occasion be as
trenchant as any French sally. For example, we have the definition of
gratitude as given by Sir Robert Walpole--"A lively sense of future
favors." The Marquis of Salisbury once scored a clumsy partner at whist
by his answer to someone who asked how the game progressed: "I'm doing
as well as could be expected, considering that I have three
adversaries." So the retort of Lamb, when Coleridge said to him:
"Charles, did you ever hear me lecture?". * * * "I never heard you do
anything else." And again, Lamb mentioned in a letter how Wordsworth had
said that he did not see much difficulty in writing like Shakespeare, if
he had a mind to try it. "Clearly," Lamb continued, "nothing is wanted
but the mind." Then there is the famous quip that runs back to Tudor
times, although it has been attributed to various later celebrities,
including Doctor Johnson: A concert singer was executing a number lurid
with vocal pyrotechnics. An admirer remarked that the piece was
tremendously difficult. This drew the retort from another auditor:

"Difficult! I wish to heaven it were impossible!"

Americans are famous, and sometimes infamous, for their devotion to the
grotesque in humor. Yet, a conspicuous example of such amusing absurdity
was given by Thackeray, who made reference to an oyster so large that it
took two men to swallow it whole.

It is undeniable that the British are fond of puns. It is usual to sneer
at the pun as the lowest form of wit. Such, alas! it too often is, and
frequently, as well, it is a form of no wit at all. But the pun may
contain a very high form of wit, and may please either for its
cleverness, or for its amusing quality, or for the combination of the
two. Naturally, the really excellent pun has always been in favor with
the wits of all countries. Johnson's saying, that a man who would make a
pun would pick a pocket, is not to be taken too seriously. It is not
recorded that Napier ever "pinched a leather," but he captured Scinde,
and in notifying the government at home of this victory he sent a
dispatch of one word, "_Peccavi_" ("I have sinned"). The pun is of the
sort that may be appreciated intellectually for its cleverness, while
not calculated to cause laughter. Of the really amusing kind are the
innumerable puns of Hood. He professed himself a man of many sorrows,
who had to be a lively Hood for a livelihood. His work abounds in an
ingenious and admirable mingling of wit and humor. For example:


     "Ben Battle was a soldier bold,
       And used to war's alarms,
     But a cannon ball took off his legs,
       So he laid down his arms.

     "And as they took him off the field,
       Cried he, 'Let others shoot,
     'For here I leave my second leg,
       'And the Forty-Second Foot.'"


It is doubtless true that it would require a surgical operation to get a
joke into some particular Scotchman's head. But we have some persons of
the sort even in our own country. Many of the British humorists have
been either Scotch or Irish, and it is rather profitless to attempt
distinctions as to the humorous sense of these as contrasted with the
English. Usually, stories of thrift and penuriousness are told of the
Scotch without doing them much injustice, while bulls are designated
Irish with sufficient reasonableness. In illustration of the Scotch
character, we may cite the story of the visitor to Aberdeen, who was
attacked by three footpads. He fought them desperately, and inflicted
severe injuries. When at last he had been subdued and searched the only
money found on him was a crooked sixpence. One of the thieves remarked
glumly:

"If he'd had a good shilling, he'd have killed the three of us."

And there is the classic from _Punch_ of the Scotchman, who, on his
return home from a visit to London, in describing his experiences,
declared:

"I had na been there an hour when bang! went saxpence!"

Anent the Irish bull, we may quote an Irishman's answer when asked to
define a bull. He said:

"If you see thirteen cows lying down in a field, and one of them is
standing up, that's a bull."

A celebrity to whom many Irish bulls have been accredited was Sir Boyle
Roche. He wrote in a letter:

"At this very moment, my dear----, I am writing this with a sword in one
hand and a pistol in the other."

He it was who in addressing the Irish House of Commons asserted stoutly:

"Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible
misfortune is usually followed by a greater."

And there is the hospitable invitation of the Irishman:

"Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop
there." And it was an Irishman who remarked to another concerning a
third: "You are thin, and I am thin, but he's as thin as the two of us
put together." Also, it was an Irishman who, on being overtaken by a
storm, remarked to his friend: "Sure, we'll get under a tree, and whin
it's wet through, faith, we'll get under another."

Naturally, we Americans have our own bulls a plenty, and they are by no
means all derived from our Irish stock. Yet, that same Irish stock
contributes largely and very snappily to our fund of humor. For the
matter of that, the composite character of our population multiplies the
varying phases of our fun. We draw for laughter on all the almost
countless racial elements that form our citizenry. And the whole content
of our wit and humor is made vital by the spirit of youth. The newness
of our land and nation gives zest to the pursuit of mirth. We ape the
old, but fashion its semblance to suit our livelier fancy. We moralize
in our jesting like the Turk, but are likely to veil the maxim under
the motley of a Yiddish dialect. Our humor may be as meditative as the
German at its best, but with a grotesque flavoring all our own. Thus,
the widow, in plaintive reminiscence concerning the dear departed, said
musingly:

"If John hadn't blowed into the muzzle of his gun, I guess he'd 'a' got
plenty of squirrels. It was such a good day for them!"

And in the moralizing vein, this:

The little girl had been very naughty. She was bidden by her mother to
make an addition to the accustomed bedtime prayer--a request that God
would make her a better girl. So, the dear child prayed: "And, O God,
please make Nellie a good little girl." And then, with pious
resignation, she added:

"Nevertheless, O God, Thy will, not mine, be done."

At times, we are as cynical as the French. So of the husband, who
confessed that at first after his marriage he doted on his bride to such
an extent that he wanted to eat her--later, he was sorry that he hadn't.

Our sophistication is such that this sort of thing amuses us, and, it is
produced only too abundantly. Luckily, in contrast to it, we have no
lack of that harmless jesting which is more typically English. For
example, the kindly old lady in the elevator questioned the attendant
brightly:

"Don't you get awful tired, sonny?"

"Yes, mum," the boy in uniform admitted.

"What makes you so tired, sonny? Is it the going up?'

"No, mum."

"Is it the going down?"

"No, mum."

"Then what is it makes you so tired, sonny?"

"It's the questions, mum."

And this of the little boy, who was asked by his mother as to what he
would like to give his cousin for a birthday present.

"I know," was the reply, "but I ain't big enough."

Many of our humorists have maintained a constant geniality in their
humor, even in the treatment of distressing themes. For example, Josh
Billings made the announcement that one hornet, if it was feeling well,
could break up a whole camp meeting. Bill Nye, Artemas Ward and many
another American writer have given in profusion of amiable sillinesses
to make the nation laugh. It was one of these that told how a drafted
man sought exemption because he was a negro, a minister, over age, a
British subject, and an habitual drunkard.

The most distinctive flavor in American humor is that of the grotesque.
It is characteristic in Mark Twain's best work, and it is characteristic
of most of those others who have won fame as purveyors of laughter. The
American tourist brags of his own:

"Talk of Vesuve--huh! Niag'll put her out in three minutes." That
polished writer, Irving, did not hesitate to declare that Uncle Sam
believed the earth tipped when he went West. In the archives of our
government is a state paper wherein President Lincoln referred to
Mississippi gunboats with draught so light that they would float
wherever the ground was a little damp. Typically American in its
grotesquerie was the assertion of a rural humorist who asserted that the
hogs thereabout were so thin they had to have a knot tied in their
tails to prevent them from crawling through the chinks in the fence.

Ward displayed the like quality amusingly in his remark to the conductor
of a tediously slow-moving accommodation train in the South. From his
seat in the solitary passenger coach behind the long line of freight
cars, he addressed the official with great seriousness:

"I ask you, conductor, why don't you take the cow-catcher off the engine
and put it behind the car here? As it is now, there ain't a thing to
hinder a cow from strolling into a car and biting a passenger."

Similar extravagance appears in another story of a crawling train. The
conductor demanded a ticket from a baldheaded old man whose face was
mostly hidden in a great mass of white whiskers.

"I give it to ye," declared the ancient.

"I don't reckon so," the conductor answered. "Where did you get on?"

"At Perkins' Crossin'," he of the hoary beard replied.

The conductor shook his head emphatically.

"Wasn't anybody got aboard at Perkins' Crossin' 'cept one little boy."

"I," wheezed the aged man, "was that little boy."

In like fashion, we tell of a man so tall that he had to go up on a
ladder to shave himself--and down cellar to put his boots on.

We Americans are good-natured, as is necessary for humor, and we have
brains, as is necessary for wit, and we have the vitality that makes
creation easy, even inevitable. So there is never any dearth among us of
the spirit of laughter, of its multiform products that by their power
to amuse make life vastly more agreeable. Every newspaper, and most
magazines carry their quota of jests. Never, anywhere, was the good
story so universally popular as in America today. It is received with
gusto in the councils of government, in church, in club, in cross-roads
store. The teller of good stories is esteemed by all, a blessing
undisguised. The collection that follows in this volume is, it is
believed, of a sort that will help mightily to build an honorable fame
for the narrator.

For greater convenience in references to the volume, the various stories
and anecdotes are placed under headings arranged in alphabetical order.
The heading in every case indicates the subject to which the narration
may be directly applied. This will be found most useful in selecting
illustrations for addresses of any sort, or for use in arguments.
History tells us how Lincoln repeatedly carried conviction by expressing
his ideas through the medium of a story. His method is rendered
available for any one by this book.




STORIES.


JOKES FOR ALL OCCASIONS

ABSENTMINDEDNESS


The man of the house finally took all the disabled umbrellas to the
repairer's. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to
leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella
belonging to a woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying
one. The woman cried "Stop thief!" rescued her umbrella and covered the
man with shame and confusion.

That same day, he stopped at the repairer's, and received all eight of
his umbrellas duly restored. As he entered a street car, with the
unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold
glaring at him the lady of his morning adventure. Her voice came to him
charged with a withering scorn:

"Huh! Had a good day, didn't you!"

                            *       *       *

The absentminded inventor perfected a parachute device. He was taken up
in a balloon to make a test of the apparatus. Arrived at a height of a
thousand feet, he climbed over the edge of the basket, and dropped out.
He had fallen two hundred yards when he remarked to himself, in a tone
of deep regret:

"Dear me! I've gone and forgotten my umbrella."

                            *       *       *

The professor, who was famous for the wool-gathering of his wits,
returned home, and had his ring at the door answered by a new maid. The
girl looked at him inquiringly:

"Um--ah--is Professor Johnson at home?" he asked, naming himself.

"No, sir," the maid replied, "but he is expected any moment now."

The professor turned away, the girl closed the door. Then the poor man
sat down on the steps to wait for himself.

                            *       *       *

The clergyman, absorbed in thinking out a sermon, rounded a turn in the
path and bumped into a cow. He swept off his hat with a flourish,
exclaiming:

"I beg your pardon, madam."

Then he observed his error, and was greatly chagrined. Soon, however,
again engaged with thoughts of the sermon, he collided with a lady at
another bend of the path.

"Get out of the way, you brute!" he said.

                            *       *       *

The most absent-minded of clergymen was a Methodist minister who served
several churches each Sunday, riding from one to another on horseback.
One Sunday morning he went to the stable while still meditating on his
sermon and attempted to saddle the horse. After a long period of toil,
he aroused to the fact that he had put the saddle on himself, and had
spent a full half hour in vain efforts to climb on his own back.


ACQUAINTANCE

The Scotchman who ran a livery was asked by a tourist as to how many the
carryall would hold.

"Fower generally," was the answer. "Likely sax, if they're weel
aquaint."


ACTORS

The tragedian had just signed a contract to tour South Africa. He told a
friend of it at the club. The friend shook his head dismally.

"The ostrich," he explained in a pitying tone, "lays an egg weighing
anywhere from two to four pounds."


ADVERTISING

The editor of the local paper was unable to secure advertising from one
of the business men of the town, who asserted stoutly that he himself
never read ads., and didn't believe anyone else did.

"Will you advertise if I can convince you that folks read the ads.?" the
editor asked.

"If you can show me!" was the sarcastic answer. "But you can't."

In the next issue of the paper, the editor ran a line of small type in
an obscure corner. It read:

"What is Jenkins going to do about it?"

The business man, Jenkins, hastened to seek out the editor next day. He
admitted that he was being pestered out of his wits by the curious. He
agreed to stand by the editor's explanation in the forthcoming issue,
and this was:

"Jenkins is going to advertise, of course."

Having once advertised, Jenkins advertises still.


AFFECTION

There are as many aspects of grief as there are persons to mourn. A
quality of pathetic and rather grisly humor is to be found in the
incident of an English laborer, whose little son died. The vicar on
calling to condole with the parents found the father pacing to and fro
in the living-room with the tiny body in his arms. As the clergyman
spoke phrases of sympathy, the father, with tears streaming down his
cheeks, interrupted loudly:

"Oh, sir, you don't know how I loved that li'll faller. Yus, sir, if it
worn't agin the law, I'd keep him, an' have him stuffed, that I would!"


AGE

The woman confessed to her crony:

"I'm growing old, and I know it. Nowadays, the policeman never takes me
by the arm when he escorts me through the traffic."


ALIBI

The mother called in vain for her young son. Then she searched the
ground floor, the first story, the second, and the attic--all in vain.
Finally, she climbed to the trap door in the roof, pushed it open, and
cried:

"John Henry, are you out there?"

An answer came clearly:

"No, mother. Have you looked in the cellar?"


AMNESTY

The nurse at the front regarded the wounded soldier with a puzzled
frown.

"Your face is perfectly familiar to me," she said, musingly. "But I
can't quite place you somehow."

"Let bygones be bygones, mum," the soldier said weakly. "Yes, mum, I was
a policeman."


ANATOMY

The little boy, sent to the butcher shop, delivered himself of his
message in these words:

"Ma says to send her another ox-tail, please, an' ma says the last one
was very nice, an' ma says she wants another off the same ox!"


APPEARANCE

Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous
scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was
horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in
her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly:

"Oh, Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that
naughty Peck boy!"

Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust.

"Say, ma," he objected, "do I look as if I had been playing with
anybody?"


APPEARANCE

The cross-eyed man at the ball bowed with courtly grace, and said:

"May I have the pleasure of this dance?"

Two wallflowers answered as with one voice:

"With pleasure."


APPETITE

The young man applied to the manager of the entertainment museum for
employment as a freak, and the following dialogue occurred:

"Who are you?"

"I am Enoch, the egg king."

"What is your specialty?"

"I eat three dozen hen's eggs, two dozen duck eggs, and one dozen goose
eggs, at a single setting."

"Do you know our program?"

"What is it?"

"We give four shows every day."

"Oh, yes, I understand that."

"And do you think you can do it?"

"I know I can."

"On Saturdays we give six shows."

"All right."

"On holidays we usually give a performance every hour."

And now, at last, the young man showed signs of doubt.

"In that case, I must have one thing understood before I'd be willing to
sign a contract."

"What?"

"No matter what the rush of business is in the show, you've got to give
me time to go to the hotel to eat my regular meals."

                            *       *       *

Daniel Webster was the guest at dinner of a solicitous hostess who
insisted rather annoyingly that he was eating nothing at all, that he
had no appetite, that he was not making out a meal. Finally, Webster
wearied of her hospitable chatter, and addressed her in his most
ponderous senatorial manner:

"Madam, permit me to assure you that I sometimes eat more than at other
times, but never less."

                            *       *       *

It was shortly after Thanksgiving Day that someone asked the little boy
to define the word appetite. His reply was prompt and enthusiastic:

"When you're eating you're 'appy; and when you get through you're
tight--that's appetite!"


APPRECIATION

The distinguished actor had a large photograph of Wordsworth prominently
displayed in his dressing-room. A friend regarded the picture with some
surprise, and remarked:

"I see you are an admirer of Wordsworth."

"Who's Wordsworth?" demanded the actor.

"Why, that's his picture," was the answer, as the friend pointed.
"That's Wordsworth, the poet."

The actor regarded the photograph with a new interest.

"Is that old file a poet?" he exclaimed in astonishment. "I got him for
a study in wrinkles."


ARGUMENT

"Yes, ma'am," the old salt confided to the inquisitive lady, "I fell
over the side of the ship, and a shark he come along and grabbed me by
the leg."

"Merciful providence!" his hearer gasped. "And what did you do?"

"Let 'im 'ave the leg, o' course, ma'am. I never argues with sharks."


ART

An American tourist and his wife, after their return from abroad, were
telling of the wonders seen by them at the Louvre in Paris. The husband
mentioned with enthusiasm a picture which represented Adam and Eve and
the serpent in the Garden of Eden, in connection with the eating of the
forbidden fruit. The wife also waxed enthusiastic, and interjected a
remark:

"Yes, we found the picture most interesting, most interesting indeed,
because, you see, we know the anecdote."

                            *       *       *

The Yankee tourist described glowingly the statue of a beautiful woman
which he had seen in an art museum abroad.

"And the way she stood, so up and coming, was grand. But," he added,
with a tone of disgust, "those foreigners don't know how to spell. The
name of the statue was Posish'--and it was some posish, believe me! and
the dumb fools spelt it--'Psyche!'"

                            *       *       *

"Tell me, does your husband snore?"

"Oh, yes, indeed--so delightfully."

"What?"

"Yes, really--he's so musical you know, his voice is baritone, he only
snores operatic bits, mostly _Aida_."

                            *       *       *

The packer from Chicago admired a picture by Rosa Bonheur.

"How much is that?" he demanded. The dealer quoted the price as $5,000.

"Holy pig's feet!" the magnate spluttered. "For that money, I can buy
live hogs and----"

His wife nudged him in the ribs, and whispered:

"Don't talk shop."


ATHLETICS

The sister spoke admiringly to the collegian who was calling on her
after field day, at which she had been present.

"And how they did applaud when you broke that record!"

Her little brother, who overheard, sniffed indignantly.

"Pa didn't applaud me for the one I broke," he complained. "He licked
me."


AUTHORS

A woman lion-hunter entertained a dinner party of distinguished authors.
These discoursed largely during the meal, and bored one another and more
especially their host, who was not literary. To wake himself up, he
excused himself from the table with a vague murmur about opening a
window, and went out into the hall. He found the footman sound asleep in
a chair. He shook the fellow, and exclaimed angrily:

"Wake up! You've been listening at the keyhole."


BABIES

The visiting Englishman, with an eyeglass screwed to his eye, stared in
fascinated horror at the ugliest infant he had ever seen, which was in
its mother's arms opposite him in the street car. At last, his fixed
gaze attracted the mother's attention, then excited her indignation.

"Rubber!" she piped wrathfully.

"Thank God!" exclaimed the Englishman. "I fancied it might be real."

                            *       *       *

The teacher had explained to the class that the Indian women are called
squaws. Then she asked what name was given to the children?

"Porpoises," came one eager answer.

But a little girl whose father bred pigeons, called excitedly:

"Please, teacher, they're squabs!"


BAIT

A gentleman strolling alongside a canal observed an old negro and a
colored boy fishing. A moment later, a splash was heard. The boy had
fallen into the water. The old darky, however, jumped in after the lad,
and succeeded in getting him safely to the bank. There he stood the
victim on his head to let the water drain out, and it was at this moment
that the gentleman arrived on the scene with profuse expressions of
admiration for the prompt rescue.

"It was noble of you," the gentleman declared rather rhetorically, "to
plunge into the water in that way at the risk of your life to save the
boy. I congratulate you on your brave display of heroic magnanimity."

The old colored man answered with an amiable grin:

"All right, boss. Ah doan know nuffin' 'bout magn'imity. But Ah jess had
to git dat boy out de water. He had de bait in his pocket."


BALDNESS

A patient complained to the doctor that his hair was coming out.

"Won't you give me something to keep it in?" he begged.

"Take this," the doctor said kindly, and he handed the patient a pill
box.


BAPTISM

On the way to the baptism, the baby somehow loosened the stopper of his
bottle, with the result that the milk made a frightful mess over the
christening robe. The mother was greatly shamed, but she was compelled
to hand over the child in its mussed garments to the clergyman at the
font.

"What name?" the clergyman whispered.

The agitated mother failed to understand, and thought that he complained
of the baby's condition. So she offered explanation in the words:

"Nozzle come off--nozzle come off!"

The clergyman, puzzled, repeated his whisper:

"What name?"

"Nozzle come off--nozzle come off!" The woman insisted, almost in tears.

The clergyman gave it up, and continued the rite:

"Nozzlecomeoff Smithers, I baptize thee in the name of the Father and of
the Son and of the Holy Ghost."

                            *       *       *

The aged negro clergyman announced solemnly from the pulpit:

"Next Sabbath, dar will be a baptism in dis chu'ch, at half-pas' ten in
de mawnin'. Dis baptism will be of two adults an' six adulteresses."


BAPTISTS

The old colored man left the Methodist Church and joined the Baptist.
Soon afterward, he encountered his former pastor, who inquired the
reason for his change of sect. The old man explained fully.

"Fust off, I was 'Piscopal, but I hain't learned, an' they done say the
service so fast, I nebber could keep up, an' when I come out behin', dey
all look, an' I'se 'shamed. So I jined the Methodis'. Very fine church,
yes, suh. But dey done has 'Quiry meetin's. An', suh, us cullud folkses
can't bear too much 'quirin' into. An' a man says to me, 'Why don't you
jine de Baptis'? De Baptis', it's jest _dip_ an' be done wid it! 'An' so
I jined."


BASEBALL

The teacher directed the class to write a brief account of a baseball
game. All the pupils were busy during the allotted time, except one
little boy, who sat motionless, and wrote never a word. The teacher gave
him an additional five minutes, calling them off one by one. The fifth
minute had almost elapsed when the youngster awoke to life, and scrawled
a sentence. It ran thus:

"Rain--no game."


BATTLE

_Teacher:_ "In which of his battles was King Gustavus Adolphus of Sweden
slain?"

_Pupil:_ "I'm pretty sure it was the last one."


BEARS

The old trapper was chased by a grizzly. When he had thrown away
everything he carried, and found, nevertheless, that the bear was
gaining rapidly, he determined to make a stand. As he came into a small
clearing, he faced about with his back to a stump, and got out and
opened his clasp-knife. The bear halted a rod away, and sat on its
haunches, surveying its victim gloatingly. The trapper, though not
usually given to praying, now improved the interval to offer a petition.

"O God," he said aloud, with his eyes on the bear, "if you're on my
side, let my knife git 'im quick in 'is vitals, an' if you're on 'is
side, let 'im finish me fust off. But, O God, if you're nootral, you
jist sit thar on that stump, an' you'll see the darndest bear fight you
ever hearn tell on!"

                            *       *       *

The guide introduced a tourist in the Rocky Mountains to an old hunter
who was reputed to have slain some hundreds of bears.

"This feller," the guide explained to the hunter, "would like to hear
about some of the narrer escapes you've had from bears."

The old mountaineer regarded the tourist with a disapproving stare.

"Young man," he said, "if there's been any narrer escapes, the bears had
'em."


BEER

The father of a school boy in New York City wrote to the boy's teacher a
letter of complaint. Possibly he welcomed the advent of
prohibition--possibly not! Anyhow, the letter was as follows:

"Sir: Will you please for the future give my boy some eesier somes to do
at nites. This is what he brought home to me three nites ago. If fore
gallins of bere will fill thirty to pint bottles, how many pint and half
bottles will nine gallins fill? Well, we tried and could make nothing of
it all, and my boy cried and said he wouldn't go back to school without
doing it. So, I had to go and buy a nine gallin' keg of bere, which I
could ill afford to do, and then we went and borrowed a lot of wine and
brandy bottles, beside a few we had by us. Well we emptied the keg into
the bottles, and there was nineteen, and my boy put that down for an
answer. I don't know whether it is rite or not, as we spilt some in
doing it.

P. S.--Please let the next one be water as I am not able to buy any more
bere."

                            *       *       *

The new soda clerk was a mystery, until he himself revealed his shameful
past quite unconsciously by the question he put to the girl who had just
asked for an egg-shake.

"Light or dark?" he asked mechanically.


BEGGARS

The cultured maid servant announced to her mistress, wife of the
profiteer:

"If you please, ma'am, there's a mendicant at the door."

The mistress sniffed contemptuously:

"Tell 'im there's nothin' to mend."



BEGINNERS

A woman visitor to the city entered a taxicab. No sooner was the door
closed than the car leaped forward violently, and afterward went racing
wildly along the street, narrowly missing collision with innumerable
things. The passenger, naturally enough, was terrified. She thrust her
head through the open window of the door, and shouted at the chauffeur:

"Please, be careful, sir! I'm nervous. This is the first time I ever
rode in a taxi."

The driver yelled in reply, without turning his head:

"That's all right, ma'am. It's the first time I ever drove one!"



BETROTHAL

The cook, Nora, had announced her engagement to a frequenter at the
kitchen, named Mike. But a year passed and nothing was heard of the
nuptials. So, one day, the mistress inquired:

"When are you to be married, Nora?"

"Indade, an' it's niver at all, I'll be thinkin', mum," the cook
answered sadly.

"Really? Why, what is the trouble?"

The reply was explicit:

"'Tis this, mum. I won't marry Mike when he's drunk, an' he won't marry
me when he's sober."

                            *       *       *

The delinquent laggard swain had been telling of his ability as a
presiding officer. The girl questioned him:

"What is the parliamentary phrase when you wish to call for a vote?"

The answer was given with proud certainty:

"Are you ready for the question?"

"Yes, dearest," the girl confessed shyly. "Go ahead."


BIGAMY

What is the penalty for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

                            *       *       *

The man was weak and naturally unlucky, and so he got married three
times inside of a year. He was convicted and sentenced for four years.
He seemed greatly relieved. As the expiration of his term grew near, he
wrote from the penitentiary to his lawyer, with the plaintive query:

"Will it be safe for me to come out?"


BIRTH

The little girl in the zoölogical park tossed bits of a bun to the
stork, which gobbled them greedily, and bobbed its head toward her for
more.

"What kind of a bird is it, mamma?" the child asked.

The mother read the placard, and answered that it was a stork.

"O-o-o-h!" the little girl cried, as her eyes rounded. "Of course, it
recognized me!"


BLESSING

The philosopher, on being interrupted in his thoughts by the violent
cackling of a hen that had just laid an egg, was led to express his
appreciation of a kind Providence by which a fish while laying a million
eggs to a hen's one, does so in a perfectly quiet and ladylike manner.


BLIND

A shopkeeper with no conscience put by his door a box with a slit in the
cover and a label reading, "For the Blind." A month later, the box
disappeared. When some one inquired concerning it, the shopkeeper
chuckled, and pointed to the window.

"I collected enough," he explained. "There's the new blind."


BLINDNESS

The sympathetic and inquisitive old lady at the seashore was delighted
and thrilled by an old sailor's narrative of how he was washed overboard
during a gale and was only rescued after having sunk for the third time.

"And, of course," she commented brightly, "after you sank the third
time, your whole past life passed before your eyes."

"I presoom as how it did, mum," the sailor agreed. "But bein' as I had
my eyes shut, I missed it."


BLOCKHEAD

The recruit complained to the sergeant that he'd got a splinter in his
finger.

"Ye should have more sinse," was the harsh comment, "than to scratch
your head."


BONE OF CONTENTION

The crowd in the car was packed suffocatingly close. The timid passenger
thought of pickpockets, and thrust his hand into his pocket
protectingly. He was startled to encounter the fist of a fat
fellow-passenger.

"I caught you that time!" the fat man hissed.

"Thief yourself!" snorted the timid passenger. "Leggo!"

"Scoundrel!" shouted the fat man.

"Help! Stop thief!" the little fellow spluttered, trying to wrench his
hand from the other's clasp. As the car halted, the tall man next the
two disputants spoke sharply:

"I want to get off here, if you dubs will be good enough to take your
hands out of my pocket."

                            *       *       *

During the Civil War, an old negro was deeply interested in the
conflict, but showed no sign of wishing to take part in it. A white man
questioned him one day:

"The men of the North and South are killing one another on your account.
Why don't you pitch in and fight yourself?"

"Has you-all ever seen two dogs fightin' over a bone?" the negro
demanded.

"Many times, of course," was the answer.

The old negro chuckled as he said:

"Did you ever see de bone fight?"

"Well!--no!"

"Dat's all! I'se de bone."


BREAKFAST

The Southern Colonel at Saratoga Springs, in the days before
prohibition, directed the colored waiter at his table in the hotel:

"You-all kin bring me a Kentucky breakfast."

"An' what is that, sir?" the waiter inquired doubtfully.

The Colonel explained:

"Bring me a big steak, a bulldog and a quart of Bourbon whiskey."

"But why do you order a bulldog?" asked the puzzled waiter.

"To eat the steak, suh!" snapped the Colonel.


BREVITY

The best illustration of the value of brief speech reckoned in dollars
was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for
five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was
going to contribute fifty dollars, after ten minutes more of the sermon,
he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five
dollars, after half an hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five
dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he
stole two dollars.


BRIBERY

A thriving baseball club is one of the features of a boy's organization
connected with a prominent church. The team was recently challenged by a
rival club. The pastor gave a special contribution of five dollars to
the captain, with the direction that the money should be used to buy
bats, balls, gloves, or anything else that might help to win the game.
On the day of the game, the pastor was somewhat surprised to observe
nothing new in the club's paraphernalia. He called the captain to him.

"I don't see any new bats, or balls, or gloves," he said.

"We haven't anything like that," the captain admitted.

"But I gave you five dollars to buy them," the pastor exclaimed.

"Well, you see," came the explanation, "you told us to spend it for
bats, or balls, or gloves, or anything that we thought might help to win
the game, so we gave it to the umpire."


BRUTALITY

Two ladies in a car disputed concerning the window, and at last called
the conductor as referee.

"If this window is open," one declared, "I shall catch cold, and will
probably die."

"If the window is shut," the other announced, "I shall certainly
suffocate." The two glared at each other.

The conductor was at a loss, but he welcomed the words of a man with a
red nose who sat near. These were:

"First, open the window, conductor. That will kill one. Next, shut it.
That will kill the other. Then we can have peace."


BURGLARY

A young couple that had received many valuable wedding presents
established their home in a suburb. One morning they received in the
mail two tickets for a popular show in the city, with a single line:

"Guess who sent them."

The pair had much amusement in trying to identify the donor, but failed
in the effort. They duly attended the theatre, and had a delightful
time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the
identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every
article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece
of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the
tickets:

"Now you know!"


CANDOR

Jeanette was wearing a new frock when her dearest friend called.

"I look a perfect fright," she remarked, eager for praise.

The dearest friend was thinking of her own affairs, and answered
absent-mindedly:

"Yes, you certainly do."

"Oh, you horrid thing!" Jeanette gasped. "I'll never--never speak to you
again!"


CALMNESS

In Bret Harte's _Mary McGillup_, there is a notable description of
calmness in most trying circumstances.

"'I have the honor of addressing the celebrated Rebel spy, Miss
McGillup?'" asked the vandal officer.

"In a moment I was perfectly calm. With the exception of slightly
expectorating twice in the face of the minion I did not betray my
agitation."


CARDS

A Tennessee farmer went to town and bought a gallon jug of whiskey. He
left it in the grocery store, and tagged it with a five of hearts from
the deck in his pocket, on which he wrote his name. When he returned two
hours later, the jug was gone. He demanded an explanation from the
grocer.

"Simple enough," was the reply. "Jim Slocum come along with a six of
hearts, an' jist nacherly took thet thar jug o' yourn."


CARELESSNESS

The housemaid, tidying the stairs the morning after a reception, found
lying there one of the solid silver teaspoons.

"My goodness gracious!" she exclaimed, as she retrieved the piece of
silver. "Some one of the company had a hole in his pocket."


CATERPILLARS

The small boy sat at the foot of a telegraph pole, with a tin can in his
hands. The curious old gentleman gazed first at the lad and then at the
can, much perplexed.

"Caterpillars!" he ejaculated. "What are you doing with them?"

"They climb trees and eat the leaves," the boy explained.

"Yes?"

"And so," the boy continued proudly, "I'm foolin' this bunch by lettin'
'em climb the telegraph pole."


CATS

Clarence, aged eight, was a member of the Band of Mercy, of his Sunday
School, which was a miniature society for the prevention of cruelty to
animals. The badge was a small star, and Clarence wore this with as much
pride as ever a policeman had in his shield. He displayed eagerness in
the work, and grew somewhat unpopular with the other boys and girls by
reason of his many rebukes for their harsh treatment of animals. But one
morning his mother, on looking out of the window, observed to her horror
that the erstwhile virtuous Clarence had the family cat by the tail, and
was swinging it to and fro with every evidence of glee. In fact, it had
been the wailing of the outraged beast that had caused the mother to
look out.

"Why, Clarence!" she cried, aghast. "What are you doing to that poor
cat? And you a member of the Band of Mercy!"

Little Clarence released the cat, but he showed no shame as he
explained:

"I was--but I lost my star."

                            *       *       *

The teacher put a question to the class:

"What does a cat have that no other animal has?"

A number cried in unison:

"Fur!"

But an objector raised the point that bears and skunks have fur. One
pupil raised an eager hand:

"I know, teacher--whiskers!"

But another objector laughed scornfully.

"Haw-haw! My papa has whiskers!"

The suggester of whiskers defended her idea by declaring: "My papa ain't
got whiskers."

"'Cause he can't!" the objector sneered. "Haw-haw! Your pa ain't no
good. My pa says----"

The teacher rapped for order, and repeated her question. A little girl
raised her hand, and at the teacher's nod spoke timidly.

"Kittens!"

                            *       *       *

The little girl returned from church deeply musing on the sermon, in
which the preacher had declared that animals, lacking souls, could not
go to heaven. As the result of her meditation, she presented a problem
to the family at the dinner table, when she asked earnestly:

"If cats don't go to heaven, where do the angels get the strings for
their harps?"


CHARITY

"Oh, mamma," questioned the child, "who's that?" He pointed to a nun who
was passing.

"A Sister of Charity," was the answer.

"Which one," the boy persisted, "Faith or Hope?"


CHICKEN-STEALING

The Southern planter heard a commotion in his poultry house late at
night. With shot gun in hand, he made his way to the door, flung it open
and curtly ordered:

"Come out of there, you ornery thief!"

There was silence for a few seconds, except for the startled clucking of
the fowls. Then a heavy bass voice boomed out of the darkness:

"Please, Colonel, dey ain't nobody here 'cept jes' us chickens!"


CHRISTIANITY

A shipwrecked traveler was washed up on a small island. He was terrified
at thought of cannibals, and explored with the utmost stealth.
Discovering a thin wisp of smoke above the scrub, he crawled toward it
fearfully, in apprehension that it might be from the campfire of
savages. But as he came close, a voice rang out sharply:

"Why in hell did you play that card?" The castaway, already on his
knees, raised his hands in devout thanksgiving.

"Thank God!" he exclaimed brokenly. "They are Christians!"


CHRISTMAS

A political boss wished to show his appreciation of the services of a
colored man who possessed considerable influence. He suggested to the
darky for a Christmas present the choice between a ton of coal and a jug
of the best whiskey.

The colored man spoke to the point:

"Ah burns wood."

                            *       *       *

Santa Claus inserted an upright piano, a fur dolman, a Ford, and a few
like knick-knacks in the Chicago girl's stocking. When he saw that it
was not yet half filled, he withdrew to the roof, plumped down on the
snow, and wept bitterly.


CHURCH

The young members of the family had been taught to be punctilious in
contributing to the collection at church. One Sunday morning, when the
boxes were being passed, James, aged six, ran his eye over those in the
pew, and noticed that a guest of his sister had no coin in her hand.
"Where is your money?" he whispered. She answered that she hadn't any.
But James was equal to the emergency:

"Here, take mine," he directed. "That'll pay for you. I'll get under the
seat."

Which he did.

                            *       *       *

The old negro attended a service in the Episcopal Church for the first
time in his life. Someone asked him afterward how he had enjoyed the
experience.

"Not much, shohly not much," he declared, shaking his head. "Dat ain't
no church for me. No' suh! Dey wastes too much time readin' the minutes
ob the previous meetin'."


CLEANLINESS

The little boy was clad in an immaculate white suit for the lawn party,
and his mother cautioned him strictly against soiling it. He was
scrupulous in his obedience, but at last he approached her timidly, and
said:

"Please, mother, may I sit on my pants?"

                            *       *       *

The mother catechised her young son just before the hour for the arrival
of the music teacher.

"Have you washed your hands very carefully?"

"Yes, mother."

"And have you washed your face thoroughly?"

"Yes, mother."

"And were you particular to wash behind your ears?"

"On her side I did, mother."


COMMUNITY

The young man at the summer resort, who had become engaged to the pretty
girl, received information that led him to question her:

"Is it true that since you came up here you've got engaged to Billy, Ed,
George and Harry, as well as me?"

The young lady assumed an air of disdain.

"What is that to you?" she demanded.

"Just this," he replied gently. "If it's so, and you have no objection,
we fellows will all chip in together to buy an engagement ring."


COMPENSATION

Isaac and Moses dined in a restaurant that was new to them, and were
pained seriously by the amount of the check. Moses began to expostulate
in a loud voice, but Isaac hushed him with a whisper:

"'Sh! I haf the spoons in my pocket."


COMPLIMENTS

"Would you like a lock of my hair?" asked the gallant old bachelor of
the spinster who had been a belle a few decades past.

"Why don't you offer me the whole wig?" the maiden lady gibed, with a
titter.

The bachelor retorted with icy disdain:

"You are very biting, madam, considering that your teeth are porcelain."

                            *       *       *

The young man, dancing with the girl to whom he had just been
introduced, remarked with the best of intentions, but rather
unfortunately:

"That's the new waltz. My sister was raving about it. I think it's
pretty bad. I expect she danced it with somebody rather nice."

                            *       *       *

In former times, when royalties were more important, a lady at a court
ball was intensely gratified when a prince selected her as a partner.
She was almost overwhelmed with pride when he danced a second measure
with her.

"Oh," she gushed, as she reposed blissfully in his arms, "your highness
does me too great honor."

The prince answered coldly:

"But no, madam. Merely, my physician has directed me to perspire."


CONCEALMENT

The widow was deep in suds over the family wash, when she saw her pastor
coming up the path to the door. She gave directions to her young son to
answer the bell, and to tell the clergyman that his mother had just gone
down the street on an errand. Since the single ground floor room of the
cottage offered no better hiding place against observation from the
door, she crouched behind a clothes-horse hung with drying garments.
When the boy had opened the door to the minister, and had duly delivered
the message concerning his mother's absence, the reverend gentleman cast
a sharp look toward the screen of drying clothes, and addressed the boy
thus:

"Well, my lad, just tell your mother I called. And you might say to her
that the next time she goes down the street, she should take her feet
along."


CONCEIT

"I suppose I must admit that I do have my faults," the husband remarked
in a tone that was far from humble.

"Yes," the wife snapped, "and in your opinion your faults are better
than other folks' virtues."


CONSCIENCE

The child had been greatly impressed by her first experience in Sunday
school. She pressed her hands to her breast, and said solemnly to her
sister, two years older:

"When you hear something wite here, it is conscience whispering to you."

"It's no such thing," the sister jeered. "That's just wind on your
tummie."


CONSTANCY

His companion bent over the dying man, to catch the last faintly
whispered words. The utterance came with pitiful feebleness, yet with
sufficient clearness:

"I am dying--yes. Go to Fannie. Tell her--I died--with her name--on my
lips, that I--loved her--her alone--always.... And Jennie--tell
Jennie--the same thing."


CONVERSION

A zealous church member in a Kentucky village made an earnest effort to
convert a particularly vicious old mountaineer named Jim, who was
locally notorious for his godlessness. But the old man was hard-headed
and stubborn, firmly rooted in his evil courses, so that he resisted the
pious efforts in his behalf.

"Jim," the exhorter questioned sadly at last, "ain't you teched by the
story of the Lord what died to save yer soul?"

"Humph!" Jim retorted contemptuously. "Air ye aimin' to tell me the Lord
died to save me, when He ain't never seed me, ner knowed me?"

"Jim," the missionary explained with fervor, "it was a darn sight easier
for the Lord to die fer ye jest because He never seed ye than if He
knowed ye as well as we-alls do!"


COOKERY

The housewife gave the tramp a large piece of pie on condition that he
should saw some wood. The tramp retired to the woodshed, but presently
he reappeared at the back door of the house with the piece of pie still
intact save for one mouthful bitten from the end.

"Madam," he said respectfully to the wondering woman, "if it's all the
same to you, I'll eat the wood, and saw the pie."


COURTESY

The witness was obviously a rustic and quite new to the ways of a
court-room. So, the judge directed him:

"Speak to the jury, sir--the men sitting behind you on the benches."

The witness turned, bowed clumsily and said:

"Good-morning, gentlemen."


COWARDICE

The old farmer and his wife visited the menagerie. When they halted
before the hippopotamus cage, he remarked admiringly:

"Darn'd curi's fish, ain't it, ma?"

"That ain't a fish," the wife announced. "That's a rep-tile."

It was thus that the argument began. It progressed to a point of such
violence that the old lady began belaboring the husband with her
umbrella. The old man dodged and ran, with the wife in pursuit. The
trainer had just opened the door of the lions' cage, and the farmer
popped in. He crowded in behind the largest lion and peered over its
shoulder fearfully at his wife, who, on the other side of the bars,
shook her umbrella furiously.

"Coward!" she shouted. "Coward!"


CURIOSITY

The colored man, passing through the market, saw a turtle for the first
time, and surveyed it with great interest. The creature's head was
withdrawn, but as the investigator fumbled about the shell, it shot
forward and nipped his finger. With a howl of pain he stuck his finger
in his mouth, and sucked it.

"What's the matter?" the fishmonger asked with a grin.

"Nothin'--jest nothin' a tall," the colored man answered thickly. "Ah
was only wonderin' whether Ah had been bit or stung."


DAMAGES

The child came to his mother in tears.

"Oh, mama," he confessed, "I broke a tile in the hearth."

"Never mind, dear," the mother consoled. "But how ever did you come to
do it?"

"I was pounding it with father's watch?"


DANGER

One foot in the grave, and the other slipping.


DEAD CERTAINTY

On Tuesday, a colored maid asked her mistress for permission to be
absent on the coming Friday. She explained that she wished to attend
the funeral of her fiancé. The mistress gave the required permission
sympathetically.

"But you're not wearing mourning, Jenny," she remarked.

"Oh, no, ma'am," the girl replied. "You see, ma'am, he ain't dead yet.
The hanging ain't till Friday."


DEAD MEN'S SHOES

When a certain officer of the governor's staff died, there were many
applicants for the post, and some were indecently impatient. While the
dead colonel was awaiting burial, one aspirant buttonholed the governor,
asking:

"Would you object to my taking the place of the colonel?"

"Not at all," the governor replied tartly. "See the undertaker."


DEAFNESS

In the smoking-room of a theatre, between the acts, an amiable young man
addressed an elderly gentleman who was seated beside him:

"The show is very good, don't you think?"

The old gentleman nodded approvingly, as he replied:

"Me, I always take the surface cars. Them elevated an' subway stairs
ketches my breath."

"I said the show was a good one," exclaimed the young man, raising his
voice.

Again, the elderly person nodded agreeably.

"They jump about a good deal," was his comment, "but they're on the
ground, which the others ain't."

Now, the young man shouted:

"You're a little deaf, ain't you?"

At last the other understood.

"Yes, sir!" he announced proudly. "I'm as deef as a post." He chuckled
contentedly. "Some folks thinks as that's a terrible affliction, but I
don't. I kin always hear what I'm sayin' myself, an' that's interestin'
enough for me."

                            *       *       *

An excellent old gentleman grew hard of hearing, and was beset with
apprehension lest he become totally deaf. One day, as he rested on a
park bench, another elderly citizen seated himself alongside. The
apprehensive old gentleman saw that the new comer was talking rapidly,
but his ears caught no faintest sound of the other's voice. He listened
intently--in vain. He cupped a hand to his ear, but there was only
silence. At last, in despair, he spoke his thought aloud:

"It's come at last! I know you've been talking all this while, but I
haven't heard a single word."

The answer, given with a grin, was explicit and satisfying to the
worried deaf man:

"I hain't been talkin'--jest a-chewin'."


DEDICATION

The visitor to the poet's wife expressed her surprise that the man of
genius had failed to dedicate any one of his volumes to the said wife.
Whereupon, said wife became flustered, and declared tartly:

"I never thought of that. As soon as you are gone, I'll look through all
his books, and if that's so, I never will forgive him!"


DEFINITION

The schoolboy, after profound thought, wrote this definition of the word
"spine," at his teacher's request.

"A spine is a long, limber bone. Your head sets on one end and you set
on the other."


DEGREES IN DEGRADATION

Phil May, the artist, when once down on his luck in Australia, took a
job as waiter in a very low-class restaurant. An acquaintance came into
the place to dine, and was aghast when he discovered the artist in his
waiter.

"My God!" he whispered. "To find you in such a place as this."

Phil May smiled, as he retorted:

"Oh, but, you see, I don't eat here."


DELAY

A woman in the mountains of Tennessee was seated in the doorway of the
cabin, busily eating some pig's feet. A neighbor hurried up to tell of
how her husband had become engaged in a saloon brawl and had been shot
to death. The widow continued munching on a pig's foot in silence while
she listened to the harrowing news. As the narrator paused, she spoke
thickly from her crowded mouth:

"Jest wait till I finish this-here pig's trotter, an' ye'll hear some
hollerin' as is hollerin'."


DEVIL

Some wasps built their nests during the week in a Scotch clergyman's
best breeches. On the Sabbath as he warmed up to his preaching, the
wasps, too, warmed up, with the result that presently the minister was
leaping about like a jack in the box, and slapping his lower anatomy
with great vigor, to the amazement of the congregation.

"Be calm, brethren," he shouted. "The word of God is in my mouth, but
the De'il's in my breeches!"


DIET

The young lady, who was something of a food fadist, was on a visit to a
coast fishing village. She questioned her host as to the general diet of
the natives, and was told that they subsisted almost entirely on fish.
The girl protested:

"But fish is a brain food, and these folks are really the most
unintelligent-looking that I ever saw."

"Mebbe so," the host agreed. "And just think what they'd look like if
they didn't eat fish!"


DIGESTION

In an English school, the examiner asked one of the children to name the
products of the Indian Empire. The child was well prepared, but very
nervous.

"Please, sir," the answer ran, "India produces curries and pepper and
rice and citron and chutney and--and----"

There was a long pause. Then, as the first child remained silent, a
little girl raised her hand. The examiner nodded.

"Yes, you may name any other products of India."

"Please, sir," the child announced proudly, "India-gestion."


DIPLOMACY

"Now, let me see," the impecunious man demanded as he buttonholed an
acquaintance, "do I owe you anything?"

"Not a penny, my dear sir," was the genial reply. "You are going about
paying your little debts?"

"No, I'm going about to see if I've overlooked anybody? Lend me ten till
Saturday."

                            *       *       *

Ted had a habit of dropping in at the house next door on baking day, for
the woman of that house had a deft way in the making of cookies, and Ted
had no hesitation in enjoying her hospitality, even to the extent of
asking for cookies if they were not promptly forthcoming.

When the boy's father learned of this, he gave Ted a lecture and a
strict order never to ask for cookies at the neighbor's kitchen. So,
when a few days later the father saw his son munching a cookie as he
came away from the next house, he spoke sternly:

"Have you been begging cookies again?"

"Oh, no, I didn't beg any," Ted answered cheerfully. "I just said, this
house smells as if it was full of cookies. But what's that to me?"

                            *       *       *

Sometimes the use of a diplomatic method defeats its own purpose, as in
the case of the old fellow who was enthusiastic in praise of the busy
lawyer from whose office he had just come, after a purely social call.

"That feller, for a busy man," he declared earnestly, "is one of the
pleasantest chaps I ever did meet. Why, I dropped in on him jest to pass
the time o' day this mornin', an' I hadn't been chattin' with 'im more'n
five minutes before he'd told me three times to come and see 'im agin."

                            *       *       *

The lady of uncertain age simpered at the gentleman of about the same
age who had offered her his seat in the car.

"Why should you be so kind to me?" she gurgled.

"My dear madam, because I myself have a mother and a wife and a
daughter."

                            *       *       *

Diplomacy is shown inversely by the remark of the professor to the lady
in this story.

At a reception the woman chatted for some time with the distinguished
man of learning, and displayed such intelligence that one of the
listeners complimented her.

"Oh, really," she said with a smile, "I've just been concealing my
ignorance."

The professor spoke gallantly.

"Not at all, not at all, my dear madam! Quite the contrary, I do assure
you."


DIRT

We are more particular nowadays about cleanliness than were those of a
past generation. Charles Lamb, during a whist game, remarked to his
partner:

"Martin, if dirt were trumps, what a hand you'd have!"

                            *       *       *

The French aristocrats were not always conspicuously careful in their
personal habits. A visitor to a Parisian _grande dame_ remarked to her
hostess:

"But how dirty your hands are."

The great lady regarded her hands doubtfully, as she replied:

"Oh, do you think so? Why, you ought to see my feet!"


DISCIPLINE

Jimmy found much to criticise in his small sister. He felt forced to
remonstrate with his mother.

"Don't you want Jenny to be a good wife like you when she grows up?" he
demanded. His mother nodded assent.

"Then you better get busy, ma. You make me give into her all the time
'cause I'm bigger 'en she is. You're smaller 'en pa, but when he comes
in, you bring him his slippers, and hand him the paper." Jimmie yanked
his go-cart from baby Jennie, and disregarded her wail of anger as he
continued:

"Got to dis'pline her, or she'll make an awful wife!"


DISCRETION

The kindly and inquisitive old gentleman was interested in the messenger
boy who sat on the steps of a house, and toyed delicately with a
sandwich taken from its wrapper. With the top piece of bread carefully
removed, the boy picked out and ate a few small pieces of the chicken.
The puzzled observer questioned the lad:

"Now, sonny, why don't you eat your sandwich right down, instead of
fussing with it like that?"

The answer was explicit:

"Dasn't! 'Tain't mine."


DIVORCE

The court was listening to the testimony of the wife who sought a
divorce.

"Tell me explicitly," the judge directed the woman, "what fault you have
to find with your husband."

And the wife was explicit:

"He is a liar, a brute, a thief and a brainless fool!"

"Tut, tut!" the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty
in proving all your assertions."

"Prove it!" was the retort. "Why, everybody knows it."

"If you knew it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "why did you marry
him?"

"I didn't know it before I married him."

The husband interrupted angrily:

"Yes, she did, too," he shouted. "She did so!"


DOCTORS

A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be
examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient
that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.

"You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a
great deal of experience with this disease."

The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner:

"Why, my dear sir, I've had bronchitis myself for more than fifteen
years."

                            *       *       *

A well-to-do colored man suffered a serious illness, and showed no signs
of improvement under treatment by a physician of his own race. So,
presently, he dismissed this doctor and summoned a white man. The new
physician made a careful examination of the patient, and then asked:

"Did that other doctor take your temperature?"

The sick man shook his head doubtfully.

"I dunno, suh," he declared, "I sartinly dunno. All I've missed so far
is my watch."

                            *       *       *

A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an
honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the
blackboard in his class-room:

"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed
honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."

When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written
below his notice this line:

"God save the King."

                            *       *       *

The Chinaman expressed his gratitude to that mighty physician Sing Lee,
as follows:

"Me velly sick man. Me get Doctor Yuan Sin. Takee him medicine. Velly
more sick. Me get Doctor Hang Shi. Takee him medicine. Velly bad--think
me go die. Me callee Doctor Kai Kon. Him busy--no can come. Me get
well."

                            *       *       *

The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram.

"The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than
the other." He addressed one of the students:

"Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"

Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with conviction:

"I fancy, sir, that I should limp, too."

                            *       *       *

The physician turned from the telephone to his wife:

"I must hurry to Mrs. Jones' boy--he's sick."

"Is it serious?"

"Yes. I don't know what's the matter with him, but she has a book on
what to do before the doctor comes. So I must hurry. Whatever it is, she
mustn't do it."


DOCTRINE

In a former generation, when elaborate doctrines were deemed more
important by Christian clergymen than they are to-day, they were prone
to apply every utterance of the Bible to the demonstration of their own
particular tenets. For example, one distinguished minister announced his
text and introduced his sermon as follows:

"'So, Mephibosheth dwelt in Jerusalem, for he did eat at the King's
table, and he was lame on both his feet.'

"My brethren, we are here taught the doctrine of human
depravity.--Mephibosheth was lame. Also the doctrine of total
depravity--he was lame on both his feet. Also the doctrine of
justification--for he dwelt in Jerusalem. Fourth, the doctrine of
adoption--'he did eat at the King's table.' Fifth, the doctrine of the
perseverance of the saints--for we read that 'he did eat at the King's
table continually.'"


DOCUMENTARY EVIDENCE

During the worst of the spy-scare period in London a man was brought
into the police station, who declared indignantly that he was a
well-known American citizen. But his captor denounced him as a German,
and offered as proof the hotel register, which he had brought along. He
pointed to the signature of the accused. It read:

"V. Gates."


DOGS

The tramp was sitting with his back to a hedge by the wayside, munching
at some scraps wrapped in a newspaper. A lady, out walking with her pet
Pomeranian, strolled past. The little dog ran to the tramp, and tried to
muzzle the food. The tramp smiled expansively on the lady.

"Shall I throw the leetle dog a bit, mum?" he asked.

The lady was gratified by this appearance of kindly interest in her pet,
and murmured an assent. The tramp caught the dog by the nape of the neck
and tossed it over the hedge, remarking:

"And if he comes back, mum, I might throw him a bit more."

                            *       *       *

Many a great man has been given credit as originator of this cynical
sentiment:

"The more I see of men, the more I respect dogs."

                            *       *       *

The fox terrier regarded with curious interest the knot tied in the tail
of the dachshund.

"What's the big idea?" he inquired.

"That," the dachshund answered, "is a knot my wife tied to make me
remember an errand."

The fox terrier wagged his stump of tail thoughtfully.

"That," he remarked at last, "must be the reason I'm so forgetful."

                            *       *       *

During the siege of Paris in the Franco-German war, when everybody was
starving, one aristocratic family had their pet dog served for dinner.
The master of the house, when the meal was ended, surveyed the platter
through tear-dimmed eyes, and spoke sadly:

"How Fido would have enjoyed these bones!"

                            *       *       *

The young clergyman during a parochial call noticed that the little
daughter of the hostess was busy with her slate while eying him closely
from time to time.

"And what are you doing, Clara?" he asked, with his most engaging smile.

"I'm drawing a picture of you," was the answer.

The clerical visitor sat very still to facilitate the work of the
artist. But, presently, Clara shook her head in discouragement.

"I don't like it much," she confessed. "I guess I'll put a tail on it,
and call it a dog."

                            *       *       *

The meditative Hollander delivered a monologue to his dog:

"You vas only a dog, but I vish I vas you. Ven you go your bed in, you
shust turn round dree times and lie down; ven I go de bed in, I haf to
lock up the blace, and vind up de clock, and put out de cat, and undress
myself, and my vife vakes up and scolds, and den de baby vakes and cries
and I haf to valk him de house around, and den maybe I get myself to bed
in time to get up again.

"Ven you get up you shust stretch yourself, dig your neck a little, and
you vas up. I haf to light de fire, put on de kiddle, scrap some vit my
vife, and get myself breakfast. You be lays round all day and haf blenty
of fun. I haf to vork all day and have blenty of drubble. Ven you die,
you vas dead; ven I die, I haf to go somewhere again."

                            *       *       *

Some persons are born to have honor thrust upon them, and such is
obviously the case of the actor named in this story.

The colored maid of an actress took out for exercise her mistress's dog,
a splendid St. Bernard. A passer-by admired the animal, and inquired as
to the breed. The maid said:

"I doan jes' zactly know mahself, but I dun hear my missis say he am a
full-blood Sam Bernard."


DOMESTIC QUARRELS

After a trip abroad, a lady inquired of her colored washerwoman:

"Lucy, do you and your husband quarrel now the same as you used to?"

"No, indeed, ma'am," was the reply.

"That is good. I'm sure you're very glad of it, aren't you?"

"Ah sho'ly is."

"What caused you to stop quarreling, Lucy?" the lady asked.

The explanation was simple and sufficient:

"He died."

                            *       *       *

The newly married pair quarreled seriously, so that the wife in a
passion finally declared:

"I'm going home to my mother!"

The husband maintained his calm in the face of this calamity, and drew
out his pocketbook.

"Here," he said, counting out some bills, "is the money for your
railroad fare."

The wife took it, and counted it in her turn. Then she faced her husband
scornfully:

"But that isn't enough for a return ticket."

                            *       *       *

The good wife, after she and her husband had retired for the night,
discoursed for a long time with much eloquence. When she was interrupted
by a snore from her spouse, she thumped the sleeper into wakefulness,
and then remarked:

"John, do you know what I think of a man who will go to sleep while his
own wife is a-talkin' to him?"

"Well, now, I believe as how I do, Martha," was the drowsily uttered
response. "But don't let that stop you. Go right ahead, an' git it off
your mind."


DOUBT

Small Jimmie discussed with his chief crony the minister's sermon which
had dealt with the sheep and the goats.

"Me," he concluded, "I don't know which I am. Mother calls me her lamb,
and father calls me kid."

                            *       *       *

Ability to look on two sides of a question is usually a virtue, but it
may degenerate into a vice. Thus, a visitor found his bachelor friend
glumly studying an evening waistcoat. When inquiry was made, this
explanation was forthcoming:

"It's quite too soiled to wear, but really, it's not dirty enough to go
to the laundry. I can't make up my mind just what I should do about it."


DRAMA

The new play was a failure. After the first act, many left the theatre;
at the end of the second, most of the others started out. A cynical
critic as he rose from his aisle seat raised a restraining hand.

"Wait!" he commanded loudly. "Women and children first!"


DREAMS

The group of dwellers at the seaside was discussing the subject of
dreams and their significance. During a pause, one of the party turned
to a little girl who had sat listening intently, and asked:

"Do you believe that dreams come true?"

"Of course, they do," the child replied firmly. "Last night I dreamed
that I went paddling--and I had!"


DRESS

"Oh, have you heard? Mrs. Blaunt died to-day while trying on a new
dress."

"How sad! What was it trimmed with?"

                            *       *       *

The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic.

"How do they catch lunatics?" he asked.

The father, who had just paid a number of bills, waxed sarcastic:

"With enormous straw hats, with little bits of ones, with silks and
laces and feathers and jewelry, and so on and so on."

"I recall now," the mother spoke up, "I used to wear things of that sort
until I married you."


DRINK

It was nine o'clock in the morning, but this particular passenger on the
platform of the trolley car still wore a much crumpled evening suit.

As the car swung swiftly around a curve this riotous liver was jolted
off, and fell heavily on the cobble stones. The car stopped, and the
conductor, running back, helped the unfortunate man to scramble to his
feet. The bibulous passenger was severely shaken, but very dignified.

"Collision?" he demanded.

"No," the conductor answered.

"Off the track?" was the second inquiry.

"No," said the conductor again.

"Well!" was the indignant rejoinder. "If I'd known that, I wouldn't have
got off."

                            *       *       *

The very convivial gentleman left his club happy, but somewhat dazed. On
his homeward journey, made tackingly, he ran against the vertical iron
rods that formed a circle of protection for the trunk of a tree growing
by the curb. He made a tour around the barrier four times, carefully
holding to one rod until he had a firm grasp on the next. Then, at last,
he halted and leaned despairingly against the rock to which he held, and
called aloud for succor:

"Hellup! hellup! Somebody let me out!"

                            *       *       *

The highly inebriated individual halted before a solitary tree, and
regarded it as intently as he could, with the result that he saw two
trees. His attempt to pass between these resulted in a near-concussion
of the brain. He reeled back, but presently sighted carefully, and tried
again, with the like result. When this had happened a half-dozen times,
the unhappy man lifted up his voice and wept.

"Lost--Lost!" he sobbed. "Hopelessly lost in an impenetrable forest!"

                            *       *       *

The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place
overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred
dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests. A
disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that
he was a professional rat-killer.

"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.

"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.

When this had been provided:

"Now give me a quart of whiskey."

Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:

"Now show me the cellar."

An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs
and leaped into the store. His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he
shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in
air and shouted:

"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"

                            *       *       *

Two Southern gentlemen, who were of very convivial habits, chanced to
meet on the street at nine o'clock in the morning after an evening's
revel together. The major addressed the colonel with decorous solemnity:

"Colonel, how do you feel, suh?"

The colonel left nothing doubtful in the nature of his reply:

"Major," he declared tartly, "I feel like thunder, suh, as any Southern
gentleman should, suh, at this hour of the morning!"

                            *       *       *

The old toper was asked if he had ever met a certain gentleman, also
notorious for his bibulous habits.

"Know him!" was the reply. "I should say I do! Why, I got him so drunk
one night it took three hotel porters to put me to bed."

                            *       *       *

A farmer, who indulged in sprees, was observed in his Sunday clothes
throwing five bushels of corn on the ear into the pen where he kept half
a dozen hogs, and he was heard to mutter:

"Thar, blast ye! if ye're prudent, that orter last ye."

                            *       *       *

A mouse chanced on a pool of whiskey that was the result of a raid by
prohibition-enforcement agents. The mouse had had no previous
acquaintance with liquor, but now, being thirsty, it took a sip of the
strange fluid, and then retired into its hole to think. After some
thought, it returned to the pool, and took a second sip of the whiskey.
It then withdrew again to its hole, and thought. Presently, it issued
and drew near the pool for the third time. Now, it took a big drink. Nor
did it retreat to its hole. Instead, it climbed on a soap box, stood on
its hind legs, bristled its whiskers, and squeaked:

"Now, bring on your cat!"

                            *       *       *

The owner of a hunting lodge in Scotland presented his gamekeeper with a
fur cap, of the sort having ear flaps. When at the lodge the following
year, the gentleman asked the gamekeeper how he liked the cap. The old
man shook his head dolefully.

"I've nae worn it since the accident."

"What accident was that?" his employer demanded. "I've heard of none."

"A mon offered me a dram, and I heard naething of it."

                            *       *       *

The old farmer was driving home from town, after having imbibed rather
freely. In descending a hill, the horse stumbled and fell, and either
could not, or would not, get to its feet again. At last, the farmer
spoke savagely:

"Dang yer hide, git up thar--or I'll drive smack over ye!"

                            *       *       *

Mrs. Smith addressed her neighbor, whose husband was notoriously brutal,
and she spoke with a purr that was catty:

"You know, my dear, my husband is so indulgent!"

And the other woman retorted, quite as purringly:

"Oh, everybody knows that. What a pity he sometimes indulges too much!"

                            *       *       *

In the days before prohibition, a bibulous person issued from a saloon
in a state of melancholy intoxication, and outside the door he
encountered a teetotaler friend.

The friend exclaimed mournfully:

"Oh, John, I am so sorry to see you come out of such a place as that!"

The bibulous one wept sympathetically.

"Then," he declared huskily, "I'll go right back!" And he did.

                            *       *       *

When the Kentucky colonel was in the North, some one asked him if the
Kentuckians were in fact very bibulous.

"No, suh," the colonel declared. "I don't reckon they're mo' than a
dozen Bibles in the whole state."

                            *       *       *

The Irish gentleman encountered the lady who had been ill, and made
gallant inquiries.

"I almost died," she explained. "I had ptomaine-poisoning."

"And is it so?" the Irishman gushed. And he added in a burst of
confidence: "What with that, ma'am, and delirium tremens, a body these
days don't know what he dare eat or drink."


DRUGGED

The police physician was called to examine an unconscious prisoner, who
had been arrested and brought to the station-house for drunkenness.
After a short examination, the physician addressed the policeman who had
made the arrest.

"This fellow is not suffering from the effects of alcohol. He has been
drugged."

The policeman was greatly disturbed, and spoke falteringly:

"I'm thinkin', ye're right, sor. I drugged him all the way to the
station."


DUTY

The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed
to the conductor:

"Can't you go any faster than this?"

"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."


EASY LIVING

The Southerner in the North, while somewhat mellow, discoursed
eloquently of conditions in his home state. He concluded in a burst of
feeling:

"In that smiling land, suh, no gentleman is compelled to soil his hands
with vulgar work. The preparing of the soil for the crops is done by our
niggers, suh, and the sowing of the crops, and the reaping of the
crops--all done by the niggers.... And the selling is done by the
sheriff."


ECONOMY

One Japanese bragged to another that he made a fan last twenty years by
opening only a fourth section, and using this for five years, then the
next section, and so on.

The other Japanese registered scorn.

"Wasteful!" he ejaculated. "I was better taught. I make a fan last a
lifetime. I open it wide, and hold it under my nose quite motionless.
Then I wave my head."

                            *       *       *

Wife:--"Women are not extravagant. A woman can dress smartly on a sum
that would keep a man looking shabby."

Husband:--"That's right. What you dress on keeps me looking shabby."


EFFICIENCY

In these days of difficulty in securing domestic servants, mistresses
will accept almost any sort of help, but there are limits. A woman
interrogated a husky girl in an employment office, who was a recent
importation from Lapland. The dialogue was as follows:

"Can you do fancy cooking?"

"Naw."

"Can you do plain cooking?"

"Naw."

"Can you sew?"

"Naw."

"Can you do general housework?"

"Naw."

"Make the beds, wash the dishes?"

"Naw."

"Well," cried the woman in puzzled exasperation, "what can you do?"

"I milk reindeer."

                            *       *       *

The undertaker regarded the deceased in the coffin with severe
disapproval, for the wig persisted in slipping back and revealing a
perfectly bald pate. He addressed the widow in that cheerfully
melancholy tone which is characteristic of undertakers during their
professional public performance.

"Have you any glue?"

The widow wiped her eyes perfunctorily, and said that she had.

"Shall I heat it?" she asked. The undertaker nodded gloomily, and the
relic departed on her errand. Presently, she returned with the glue-pot.

But the undertaker shook his head, and regarded her with the gently sad
smile to which undertakers are addicted, as he whispered solemnly:

"I found a tack."

                            *       *       *

An engineer, who was engaged on railroad construction in Central
America, explained to one of the natives living alongside the right of
way the advantages that would come from realization of the projected
line. To illustrate his point, he put the question:

"How long does it take you to carry your produce to market by muleback?"

"Three days, _señor_," was the answer.

"Then," said the engineer, "you can understand the benefit the road will
be to you. You will be able to take your produce to market, and to
return home on the same day."

"Very good, _señor_," the native agreed courteously.

"But, _señor_, what shall we do with the other two days?"


EGGS

The farmer decided to give special attention to the development of his
poultry yard, and he undertook the work carefully and systematically.
His hired man, who had been with him for a number of years, was
instructed, among other things, to write on each egg the date laid and
the breed of the hen. After a month, the hired man resigned.

"I can't understand," the farmer declared, surprised and pained, "why
you should want to leave."

"I'm through," the hired man asserted. "I've done the nastiest jobs, an'
never kicked. But I draw the line on bein' secretary to a bunch o'
hens."


EGOTISM

The pessimist spoke mournfully to his friend:

"It is only to me that such misfortunes happen."

"What's the matter now?"

The pessimist answered dolefully:

"Don't you see that it is raining?"


ELEPHANT

A circus man was scouring the countryside in search of an elephant that
had escaped from the menagerie and wandered off. He inquired of an
Irishman working in a field to learn if the fellow had seen any strange
animal thereabouts.

"Begorra, Oi hev thot!" was the vigorous answer. "There was an
inju-rubber bull around here, pullin' carrots with its tail."


ELOPEMENT

Some months after the elopement, an old friend met the bridegroom, and
asked eagerly for details.

"What about her father? Did he catch you?"

"Just that!" quoth the bridegroom grimly. "Incidentally, I may add that
the old boy is living with us still."


ENOUGH

The darky's clothes were in the last stages of dilapidation, and he wore
open work shoes, but his face was radiant, and he whistled merrily as he
slouched along the street. A householder called from his porch:

"Sam, I have a job for you, if you want to earn a quarter."

The tattered colored man grinned happily as he shook his head.

"No, suh, thank yoh all de same, boss--I done got a quarter."


EPITAPH

In an Irish cemetery stands a handsome monument with an inscription
which runs thus:

"This monument is erected to the memory of James O'Flinn, who was
accidentally shot by his brother as a mark of affection."


EVIDENCE

The prisoner, a darky, explained how it came about that he had been
arrested for chicken-stealing:

"I didn't hab no trouble wiv de constable ner nobody. It would ab been
all right if it hadn't been fer the women's love o' dress. My women
folks, dey wasn't satisfied jes' to eat mos' all o' them chickens. Dey
had to put de feathers in der hats, an' parade 'em as circumstantial
evidence."

                            *       *       *

The smug satisfaction of the rustic in his clear perception and shrewd
reasoning is illustrated by the dialogue between two farmers meeting on
the road.

"Did you hear that old man Jones's house burned down last night?"

"I ain't a mite surprised. I was goin' past there in the evenin', an'
when I saw the smoke a-comin' out all round under the eaves, I sez to
myself, sez I, 'Where there's smoke there must be fire.' An' so it was!"

                            *       *       *

"Shall I leave the hall light burning, ma'am?" the servant asked.

"No," her mistress replied. "I think my husband won't get home until
daylight. He kissed me goodbye before he went, and gave me twenty
dollars for a new hat."


EXCLUSIVENESS

One of the New York churches is notorious for its exclusiveness. A
colored man took a fancy to the church, and promptly told the minister
that he wished to join. The clergyman sought to evade the issue by
suggesting to the man that he reflect more carefully on the matter, and
make it the subject of prayers for guidance. The following day, the
darky encountered the minister.

"Ah done prayed, sah," he declared, beaming, "an' de Lawd he done sent
me an answer las' night."

"And what was it?" queried the clergyman, somewhat at a loss. "What did
the Lord say?"

"Well, sah, He done axed me what chu'ch Ah wanted to jine, an' Ah tole
Him it was yourn. An' He says: 'Ho, ho, dat chu'ch!' says he. 'You can't
git in dere. Ah know you can't--'cause Ah been tryin' to git in dat
chu'ch fer ten years mahself an' Ah couldn't!'"


EXPECTANCY

An Irishman on a scaffolding four stories high heard the noon whistle.
But when he would have descended, he found that the ladder had been
removed. One of his fellow workmen on the pavement below, to whom he
called, explained that the foreman had carried off the ladder for
another job.

"But how'll I get down?" Pat demanded.

Mike, on the pavement, suggested jumping as the only means. Pat's lunch
was below, he was hungry, and he accepted the suggestion seriously.

"Will yez kitch me?" he demanded.

"Sure, an' I'll do that," Mike agreed.

Pat clapped his arms in imitation of a rooster, and crowed, to bolster
up his courage, and leaped. He regained consciousness after a short
interval, and feebly sat up on the pavement. He regarded Mike
reproachfully.

"For why did yez not kitch me?" he asked, and the pain in bones sounded
in his voice.

"Begorry," Mike replied sympathetically, "I was waiting for yez to
bounce!"


EXPENSE ACCOUNT

The woman wrote a reference for her discharged cook as follows:

"Maggie Flynn has been employed by me for a month. She is an excellent
cook, but I could not afford to make use of her services longer."

The husband, who was present, afterward expressed his surprise at the
final clause.

"But it's true," the wife answered. "The dishes she smashed cost double
her wages."


EXPERIENCE

The baby pulled brother's hair until he yelled from the pain of it. The
mother soothed the weeping boy:

"Of course, she doesn't know how badly it hurts." Then she left the
room.

She hurried back presently on hearing frantic squalling from baby.

"What in the world is the matter with her?" she questioned anxiously.

"Nothin' 'tall," brother replied contentedly. "Only now she knows."


EXPERTS

There was a chicken-stealing case before the court. The colored culprit
pleaded guilty and was duly sentenced. But the circumstances of the case
had provoked the curiosity of the judge, so that he questioned the darky
as to how he had managed to take those chickens and carry them off from
right under the window of the owner's house, and that with a savage dog
loose in the yard. But the thief was not minded to explain. He said:

"Hit wouldn't be of no use, jedge, to try to 'splain dis ting to
you-all. Ef you was to try it you more'n like as not would git yer hide
full o' shot an' git no chickens, nuther. Ef you want to engage in any
rascality, jedge, you better stick to de bench, whar you am familiar."


EXPLICITNESS

On her return home after an absence of a few hours, the mother was
displeased to find that little Emma, who was ailing, had not taken her
pill at the appointed time, although she had been carefully directed to
do so.

"You were very naughty, Emma," the mother chided. "I told you to be sure
and take that pill."

"But, mamma," the child pleaded in extenuation, "you didn't tell me
where to take it to."


EXTRAVAGANCE

A rich and listless lady patron examined the handbags in a leading
jeweler's shop in New York City. The clerk exhibited one bag five inches
square, made of platinum and with one side almost covered with a setting
of diamonds. This was offered at a price of $9,000.

But the lady surveyed the expensive bauble without enthusiasm. She
turned it from side to side and over and over, regarding it with a
critical eye and frowning disapprovingly. At last she voiced her
comment:

"Rather pretty, but I don't like this side without diamonds. Honestly,
the thing looks skimpy--decidedly skimpy!"

For $7,000 additional, the objectional skimpiness was corrected.


FACTS

The burly man spoke lucidly to his gangling adversary:

"You're a nincompoop, a liar and hoss-thief."

The other man protested, with a whine in his voice:

"Sech talk ain't nice--and, anyhow, 'tain't fair twittin' on facts."


FASHION

After years of endeavor in poverty, the inventor made a success, and
came running home with pockets bulging real money. He joyously strewed
thousand-dollar bills in his wife's lap, crying:

"Now, at last, my dear, you will be able to buy you some decent
clothes."

"I'll do nothing of the kind," was the sharp retort. "I'll get the same
kind the other women are wearing."

                            *       *       *


     "The naked hills lie wanton to the breeze,
       "The fields are nude, the groves unfrocked,
     "Bare are the shivering limbs of shameless trees,
       "What wonder is it that the corn is shocked?"

       But not the modern woman!



FAVORS

At the village store, the young farmer complained bitterly.

"Old Si Durfee wants me to be one of the pall-bearers once more at his
wife's funeral. An' it's like this. Si had me fer pall-bearer when his
first wife was buried. An' then agin fer his second. An' when Eliza
died, she as was his third, he up an' axed me agin. An' now, I snum,
it's the fourth time. An' ye know, a feller can't be the hull time
a-takin' favors, an' not payin' 'em back."


FIGHTING

The boy hurried home to his father with an announcement:

"Me and Joe Peck had a fight to-day."

The father nodded gravely.

"Mr. Peck has already called to see me about it."

The little boy's face brightened.

"Gee, pop! I hope you made out 's well 's I did!"


FINANCE

A very black little girl made her way into the presence of the lady of
the house, and with much embarrassment, but very clearly, explained who
she was, and what her mission:

"Please, mum, I'se Ophelia. I'se de washerwoman's little girl, an' mama,
she sent me to say, would you please to len' her a dime. She got to pay
some bills."

                            *       *       *

The successful financier snorted contemptuously.

"Money! pooh! there are a million ways of making money."

"But only one honest way," a listener declared.

"What way is that?" the financier demanded.

"Naturally, you wouldn't know," was the answer.

                            *       *       *

The eminent financier was discoursing.

"The true secret of success," he said, "is to find out what the people
want."

"And the next thing," someone suggested, "is to give it to them."

The financier shook his head contemptuously.

"No--to corner it."

                            *       *       *

The eminent banker explained just how he started in business:

"I had nothing to do, and I rented an empty store, and put up a sign,
_Bank_. As soon as I opened for business, a man dropped in, and made a
deposit of two hundred dollars. The next day another man dropped in and
deposited three hundred dollars. And so, sir, the third day, my
confidence in the enterprise reached such a point that I put in fifty
dollars of my own money."


FINANCIERS

"My pa, he's a financier," boasted one small boy to another.

"'Tain't much to brag of," the other sneered. "My pa an' uncle Jack are
in jail, too."


FISHING

The congressman from California was telling at dinner in the hotel of
tuna fishing.

"Just run out in a small motor boat," he explained, "and anything less
than a hundred pounds is poor sport."

The colored waiter was so excited that he interrupted:

"You say you go after hundred-pound fish in a little motor boat, suh?"

The congressman nodded.

"But," the darky protested, "ain't you scairt fer fear you'll ketch
one?"


FLATTERY

An eminent statesman was being driven rapidly by his chauffeur, when the
car struck and killed a dog that leaped in front of it. At the
statesman's order, the chauffeur stopped the car, and the great man got
out and hurried back to where a woman was standing by the remains. The
dead dog's mistress was deeply grieved, and more deeply angered. As the
statesman attempted to address her placatingly, she turned on him
wrathfully, and told him just what she thought, which was considerable
and by no means agreeable. When, at last, she paused for breath, the
culprit tried again to soothe her, saying:

"Madam, I shall be glad to replace your dog."

The woman drew herself up haughtily, surveyed the statesman with supreme
scorn, and hissed:

"Sir, you flatter yourself!"


FLEAS

The debutante was alarmed over the prospect of being taken in to dinner
by the distinguished statesman.

"Whatever can we talk about?" she demanded anxiously of her mother.

Afterward, in the drawing-room, she came to her mother with a radiant
smile.

"He's fine," she exclaimed. "We weren't half way through the soup before
we were chatting cozily about the fleas in Italian hotels."


FLIRTATION

The gentleman at the party, who was old enough to know better, turned to
another guest, who had just paused beside him:

"Women are fickle. See that pretty woman by the window? She was smiling
at me flirtatiously a few minutes ago and now she looks cold as an
iceberg."

"I have only just arrived," the other man said. "She is my wife."


FLOOD

The breakfaster in the cheap restaurant tried to make conversation with
the man beside him at the counter.

"Awful rainy spell--like the flood."

"The flood?" The tone was polite, but inquiring.

"_The_ flood--Noah, the Ark, Mount Ararat."

The other bit off half a slice of bread, shook his head, and mumbled
thickly:

"Hain't read to-day's paper yit."


FLOWERS

Gilbert wrote a couplet concerning--


     "An attachment _à la_ Plato
     For a bashful young potato."


Such suggestion is all very well in a humorous ballad, but we do not
look for anything of the sort in a serious romance of real life.
Nevertheless, a Welsh newspaper of recent date carried the following
paragraph:

"At ---- Church, on Monday last, a very interesting wedding was
solemnized, the contracting parties being Mr. Richard ----, eldest son
of Mr. and Mrs. ----, and a bouquet of pink carnations."


FOG

The old gentleman was lost in a London fog, so thick that he could
hardly see his hand before his face. He became seriously alarmed when he
found himself in a slimy alley. Then he heard footsteps approaching
through the obscurity, and sighed with relief.

"Where am I going to?" he cried anxiously.

A voice replied weirdly from the darkness beyond:

"Into the river--I've just come out!"


FOLLIES

A wise old Quaker woman once said that men were guilty of three most
astonishing follies. The first was the climbing of trees to shake down
the fruit, when if they would but wait, the fruit would fall of itself.
The second was the going to war to kill one another, when if they would
only wait, they must surely die naturally. The third was that they
should run after women, when, if they did not do so, the women would
surely run after them.


FOOD

The Arctic explorer at a reception on his return gave an informal talk
concerning his experiences. He explained that a point further north
would have been reached, if the dogs had not given out at a critical
time.

A lady, who had followed the explorer's remarks carefully, ventured a
comment as the speaker paused:

"But I thought those Esquimaux dogs were actually tireless."

The explorer hesitated, and cleared his throat before answering.

"I spoke," he elucidated, "in a--er--culinary sense."

                            *       *       *

The young mother asked the man who supplied her with milk if he kept any
calves, and smiled pleasedly when he said that he did.

"Then," she continued brightly, "bring me a pint of calf's milk every
day. I think cow's milk is too strong for baby."


FOREHANDEDNESS

The highly efficient housewife bragged that she always rose early, and
had every bed in the house made before anybody else in the house was up.


FORESIGHT

The master directed that the picture should be hung on the east wall;
the mistress preferred the west wall.

The servant drove the nail where his master directed, but when he was
left alone in the room he drove a nail in the other wall.

"That," he said to himself, "will save my lugging the steps up here
again to-morrow, when he has come around to agreeing with her."


FORGETFULNESS

The foreman of a Southern mill, who was much troubled by the
shiftlessness of his colored workers, called sharply to two of the men
slouching past him.

"Hi, you! where are you going?"

"Well, suh, boss," one of them answered, "we is goin' to de mill wid
dis-heah plank."

"Plank? What plank? Where's the plank?" the foreman demanded.

The colored spokesman looked inquiringly and somewhat surprisedly at his
own empty hands and those of his companion, whom he addressed
good-naturedly:

"Now, if dat don't beat all, George! If we hain't gone an' clean
forgitted dat plank!"

                            *       *       *

Two men met on the city street in the evening, and had a number of
drinks together. The one who lived in the suburbs became confidential,
and exhibited a string tied around a finger.

"I don't dare to go home," he explained. "There's something my wife told
me to do, without fail, and to make sure I wouldn't forget, she tied
that string around my finger. But for the life of me I can't remember
what the thing was I am to do. And I don't dare to go home!"

A few days later the two men met again, this time in the afternoon.

"Well," the one asked, "did you finally remember what that string was to
remind you of?"

The other showed great gloom in his expression, as he replied:

"I didn't go home until the next night, just because I was scared, and
then my wife told me what the string was for all right--she certainly
did!" There was a note of pain in his voice. "The string was to remind
me to be sure to come home early."

                            *       *       *

The clergyman drew near to the baptismal font, and directed that the
candidates for baptism should now be presented. A woman in the
congregation gave a gasp of dismay and turned to her husband, whom she
addressed in a strenuous whisper:

"There! I just knew we'd forget something. John, you run right home as
fast as you can, and fetch the baby."


FORM

The traveler wrote an indignant letter to the officials of the railroad
company, giving full details as to why he had sat up in the smoking-room
all night, instead of sleeping in his berth. He received in reply a
letter from the company, which was so courteous and logical that he was
greatly soothed. His mood changed for the worse, however, when he
happened to glance at his own letter, which had been enclosed through
error. On the margin was jotted in pencil:

"Send this guy the bed-bug letter."

                            *       *       *

A worker in the steel mills applied direct to Mr. Carnegie for a holiday
in which to get married. The magnate inquired interestedly concerning
the bride:

"Is she tall or short, slender or plump?"

The prospective bridegroom answered seriously:

"Well, sir, I'm free to say, that if I'd had the rollin' of her, I sure
would have given her three or four more passes."


FRAUD

The hired man on a New England farm went on his first trip to the city.
He returned wearing a scarf pin set with at least four carats bulk of
radiance. The jewelry dazzled the rural belles, and excited the envy of
the other young men. His employer bluntly asked if it was a real
diamond.

"If it ain't," was the answer, "I was skun out o' half a dollar."


FRIENDSHIP

The kindly lady accosted the little boy on the beach, who stood with
downcast head, and grinding his toes into the sand and looking very
miserable and lonely indeed.

"Haven't you anybody to play with?" she inquired sympathetically.

The boy shook his head forlornly, as he explained:

"I have one friend--but I hate him!"

                            *       *       *

The clergyman on his vacation wrote a long letter concerning his
traveling experiences to be circulated among the members of the
congregation. The letter opened in this form:

"Dear Friends:

"I will not address you as ladies and gentlemen, because I know you so
well."


FRENCH

An American tourist in France found that he had a two hours' wait for
his train at a junction, and set out to explore the neighborhood. He
discovered at last that he was lost, and could not find his way back to
the station. He therefore addressed a passer-by in the best French he
could recollect from his college days, mispronouncing it with great
emphasis. He voiced his request for information as follows:

"Pardonnez-moi. J'ai quitté ma train et maintenant je ne sais pas où le
trouver encore. Est-ce que vous pouvez me montrer le route à la train?"

"Let's look for it together," said the stranger genially. "I don't speak
French, either."


FUSSINESS

The traveler in the Blue Ridge Mountains made his toilet as best he
could with the aid of the hand basin on its bench by the cabin door and
the roller towel. He made use of his own comb and brush, tooth-brush,
nail-file and whiskbroom. The small son of the cabin regarded his
operations with rounded eyes, and at last broke forth:

"By cricky, mister, I wantta know! Be ye allus thet much trouble to
yerself?"


GENDER

It is quite possible to trap clergymen, as well as laymen, with the
following question, because they are not always learned in the Old
Testament.

"If David was the father of Solomon, and Joab was the son of Zeruiah,
what relation was Zeruiah to Joab?"

Most persons give the answer that Zeruiah was the father of Joab,
necessarily. That is not the correct answer. The trouble is that Zeruiah
was a woman. And, of course, David and Solomon having nothing whatever
to do with the case.


GENTLEMAN

There has been much controversy for years as to the proper definition of
the much abused word "gentleman." Finally, by a printer's error in
prefixing _un_ to an adverb, an old and rather mushy description of a
gentleman has been given a novel twist and a pithy point. A
contributor's letter to a metropolitan daily appeared as follows:

"Sir--I can recall no better description of a gentleman than this--

"'A gentleman is one who never gives offense unintentionally.'"


GEOGRAPHY

The airman, after many hours of thick weather, had lost his bearings
completely. Then it cleared and he was able to make a landing.
Naturally, he was anxious to know in what part of the world he had
arrived. He put the question to the group of rustics that had promptly
assembled. The answer was explicit:

"You've come down in Deacon Peck's north medder lot."


GHOSTS

There was a haunted house down South which was carefully avoided by all
the superstitious negroes. But a new arrival in the community, named
Sam, bragged of his bravery as too superior to be shaken by any ghosts,
and declared that, for the small sum of two dollars cash in hand paid,
he would pass the night alone in the haunted house. A score of other
darkies contributed, and the required amount was raised. It was not,
however, to be delivered to the courageous Sam until his reappearance
after the vigil. With this understanding the boaster betook himself to
the haunted house for the night.

When a select committee sought for Sam next morning, no trace of him was
found. Careful search for three days failed to discover the missing
negro.

But on the fourth day Sam entered the village street, covered with mud
and evidently worn with fatigue.

"Hi, dar, nigger!" one of the bystanders shouted. "Whar you-all been de
las' foh days?"

And Sam answered simply:

"Ah's been comin' back."


GOD

The little boy was found by his mother with pencil and paper, making a
sketch. When asked what he was doing, he answered promptly, and with
considerable pride:

"I'm drawing a picture of God."

"But," gasped the shocked mother, "you cannot do that. No one has seen
God. No one knows how God looks."

"Well," the little boy replied, complacently, "when I get through they
will."


GOD'S WILL

The clergyman was calling, when the youthful son and heir approached his
mother proudly, and exhibited a dead rat. As she shrank in repugnance,
he attempted to reassure her:

"Oh, it's dead all right, mama. We beat it and beat it and beat it, and
it's deader 'n dead."

His eyes fell on the clergyman, and he felt that something more was due
to that reverend presence. So he continued in a tone of solemnity:

"Yes, we beat it and beat it until--until God called it home!"


GOLF

The eminent English Statesman Arbuthnot-Joyce plays golf so badly that
he prefers a solitary round with only the caddy present. He had a new
boy one day recently, and played as wretchedly as usual.

"I fancy I play the worst game in the world," he confessed to the caddy.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir," was the consoling response. "From what
the boys were saying about another gentleman who plays here, he must be
worse even than you are."

"What's his name?" asked the statesman hopefully.

And the caddy replied:

"Arbuthnot-Joyce."


GRACE

The son and heir had just been confirmed. At the dinner table, following
the church service, the father called on his son to say grace. The boy
was greatly embarrassed by the demand. Moreover, he was tired, not only
from the excitement of the special service through which he had passed,
but also from walking to and from the church, four miles away, and, too,
he was very hungry indeed and impatient to begin the meal. Despite his
protest, however, the father insisted.

So, at last, the little man folded his hands with a pious air, closed
his eyes tight, bent his head reverently, and spoke his prayer:

"O Lord, have mercy on these victuals. Amen!"

                            *       *       *

The new clergyman in the country parish, during his visit to an old lady
of his flock, inquired if she accepted the doctrine of Falling from
Grace. The good woman nodded vigorously.

"Yes, sir," she declared with pious zeal, "I believe in it, and, praise
the Lord! I practise it!"


GRAMMAR

The passing lady mistakenly supposed that the woman shouting from a
window down the street was calling to the little girl minding baby
brother close by on the curb.

"Your mother is calling you," she said kindly.

The little girl corrected the lady:

"Her ain't a-callin' we. Us don't belong to she."

                            *       *       *

The teacher asked the little girl if she was going to the Maypole dance.
"No, I ain't going," was the reply.

The teacher corrected the child:

"You must not say, 'I ain't going,' you must say, 'I am not going.'"
And she added to impress the point: "I am not going. He is not going. We
are not going. You are not going. They are not going. Now, dear, can you
say all that?"

The little girl nodded and smiled brightly.

"Sure!" she replied. "They ain't nobody going."

                            *       *       *

The witness, in answer to the lawyer's question, said:

"Them hain't the boots what was stole."

The judge rebuked the witness sternly:

"Speak grammatic, young man--speak grammatic! You shouldn't ought to
say, 'them boots what was stole,' you should ought to say, 'them boots
as was stealed.'"


GRASS

The auctioneer, offering the pasture lot for sale, waved his hand
enthusiastically, pointed toward the rich expanse of herbage, and
shouted:

"Now, then, how much am I offered for this field? Jest look at that
grass, gentlemen. That's exactly the sort of grass Nebuchadnezzar would
have given two hundred dollars an acre for."


GREED

An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later,
the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her
realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could
not be fully paid for, she continued:

"But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself
have embroidered."

The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the
physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added:

"Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family."

"What is your fee?" the woman inquired.

"Two hundred dollars," was the answer.

The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put
back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her
departure.


GRIEF

At the wake, the bereaved husband displayed all the evidences of frantic
grief. He cried aloud heart-rendingly, and tore his hair. The other
mourners had to restrain him from leaping into the open coffin.

The next day, a friend who had been at the wake encountered the widower
on the street and spoke sympathetically of the great woe displayed by
the man.

"Did you go to the cemetery for the burying?" the stricken husband
inquired anxiously, and when he was answered in the negative, continued
proudly: "It's a pity ye weren't there. Ye ought to have seen the way I
cut up."

                            *       *       *

The old woman in indigent circumstances was explaining to a visitor, who
found her at breakfast, a long category of trials and tribulations.

"And," she concluded, "this very morning, I woke up at four o'clock, and
cried and cried till breakfast time, and as soon as I finish my tea I'll
begin again, and probably keep it up all day."


HABIT

It was the bridegroom's third matrimonial undertaking, and the bride's
second. When the clergyman on whom they had called for the ceremony
entered the parlor, he found the couple comfortably seated. They made no
effort to rise, so, as he opened the book to begin the service, he
directed them, "Please, stand up."

The bridegroom looked at the bride, and the bride stared back at him,
and then both regarded the clergyman, while the man voiced their
decision in a tone that was quite polite, but very firm:

"We have ginerally sot."

                            *       *       *

It is a matter of common knowledge that there have been troublous times
in Ireland before those of the present. In the days of the Land League,
an Irish Judge told as true of an experience while he was holding court
in one of the turbulent sections. When the jury entered the court-room
at the beginning of the session, the bailiff directed them to take their
accustomed places.... And every man of them walked forward into the
dock.


HAIR

The school girl from Avenue A, who had just learned that the notorious
Gorgon sisters had snakes for hair, chewed her gum thoughtfully as she
commented:

"Tough luck to have to get out and grab a mess of snakes any time you
want an extry puff."


HARD TO PLEASE

The rather ferocious-appearing husband who had taken his wife to the
beach for a holiday scowled heavily at an amateur photographer, and
rumbled in a threatening bass voice:

"What the blazes d'ye mean, photographin' my wife? I saw ye when ye done
it."

The man addressed cringed, and replied placatingly:

"You're mistaken, really! I wouldn't think of doing such a thing."

"Ye wouldn't, eh?" the surly husband growled, still more savagely. "And
why not? I'd like to know. She's the handsomest woman on the beach."


HASTE

The colored man was condemned to be hanged, and was awaiting the time
set for execution in a Mississippi jail. Since all other efforts had
failed him, he addressed a letter to the governor, with a plea for
executive clemency. The opening paragraph left no doubt as to his
urgent need:

"Dear Boss: The white folks is got me in dis jail fixin' to hang me on
Friday mornin' and here it is Wednesday already."


HEARSAY

The convicted feudist was working for a pardon. It was reported to him
that the opposing clan was pulling wires against him, and spreading
false reports concerning him. He thereupon wrote a brief missive to the
governor:

"Deer guvner, if youve heared wat ive heared youve heared youve heared a
lie."


HEAVEN

The clergyman in the following story probably did not mean exactly what
he said, though, human nature being what it is, maybe it was true
enough.

A parishioner meeting the parson in the street inquired:

"When do you expect to see Deacon Jones again?"

"Never, never again!" the minister declared solemnly. "The deacon is in
heaven!"


HELP

The farmer found his new hired man very unsatisfactory. A neighbor who
chanced along inquired:

"How's that new hand o' your'n?"

"Cuss the critter!" was the bitter reply. "He ain't a hand--he's a sore
thumb."

                            *       *       *

A savage old boar got into a garden, and was doing much damage. When two
men tried to drive it out, the animal charged. One of the two climbed a
tree, the other dodged, and laid hold on the boar's tail. He hung on
desperately, and man and beast raced wildly round and round the tree.
Finally, the man shouted between gasps:

"For heaven's sake, Bill, climb down here, and help me leggo this ornery
old hog!"


HELPFULNESS

Many a mayor is a friend to the people--just like his honor in the
following story.

A taxpayer entered the office of the water registrar in a small city,
and explained himself and his business there as follows:

"My name is O'Rafferty. And my cellar is full of wather, and my hins
will all be drowned intirely if it ain't fixed. And I'm here to inform
yez that I'm wantin' it fixed."

It was explained to the complainant that the remedy for his need must be
sought at the office of the mayor, and he therefore departed to
interview that official.

After an interval of a few days, O'Rafferty made a second visit to the
office of the registrar.

"Sure, and I've come agin to tell yez that my cellar is now fuller of
water than ever it was before. And I'm tellin' yez that I want it fixed,
and I'm a man that carries votes in my pocket."

The registrar again explained that he was powerless in the matter, and
that the only recourse must be to the mayor.

"The mayor is ut!" O'Rafferty snorted. "Sure and didn't I see the mayor?
I did thot! And what did the mayor say to me? Huh! he said, 'Mr.
O'Rafferty, why don't you keep ducks?'"


HEN

The customer asked for fresh eggs, and the clerk in the London shop
said:

"Them are fresh which has a hen on 'em."

"But I don't see any hen."

The clerk explained patiently.

"Not the fowl, mum, but the letter _hen_. _Hen_ stands for _noo-laid_."


HEREAFTER

This is the dialogue between a little girl and a little boy:

"What are you bawling about, Jimmie?"

"I'm cryin' because maw has wented to heaven."

"That's silly. Maybe she hain't."

                            *       *       *

Little Alice questioned her mother concerning heaven, and seemed pleased
to be assured that she would have wings and harp and crown.

"And candy, too, mamma?"

The mother shook her head.

"Anyhow," Alice declared, "I'm tickled we have such a fine doctor."


HEREDITY

The woman, who had a turn-up nose and was somewhat self-conscious
concerning it, bought a new pug dog, and petted it so fondly as to
excite the jealousy of her little daughter.

"How do you like your new little brother?" she asked the child
teasingly.

The girl replied, rather maliciously, perhaps:

"He looks just like his muvver."


HIGH PRICES

Two men were talking together in the Public Library. One of them said:

"The dime novel has gone. I wonder where it's gone to?"

The other, who knew something of literature in its various phases,
answered cynically:

"It's gone up to a dollar and ninety cents."


HINDSIGHT

Mike, the hod-carrier, was still somewhat fuddled when he arose Monday
morning, with the result that he put on his overalls wrong side to; with
the further result, that he was careless while mounting the ladder later
with a load of bricks, and fell to the ground. As he raised himself into
a sitting position, a fellow workman asked solicitously:

"Are yez kilt intoirly, Mike?"

Mike, with drooping head, stared down dully at the seat of his overalls,
and shook his head.

"No," he declared in a tone of awe, "I'm not kilt, but I'm terrible
twisted."

                            *       *       *

A rustic visitor to the city made a desperate run for the ferry boat as
it was leaving the slip. He made a mighty leap, and covered the
intervening space, then fell sprawling to the deck, where he lay stunned
for about two minutes. At last he sat up feebly, and stared dazedly over
the wide expanse of water between boat and shore.

"Holy hop-toads!" he exclaimed in a tone of profound awe. "What a jump!"


HINTING

A Kansas editor hit on the following gentle device for dunning
delinquent subscribers to the paper:

"There i$ a little matter that $ome of our $ub$criber$ have $eemingly
forgotten entirely. $ome of them have made u$ many promi$e$, but have
not kept them. To u$ it i$ a very important matter--it'$ nece$$ary in
our bu$me$$. We are very mode$t and don't like to $peak about $uch
remi$$ne$$."


HISTORY

The faculty were arranging the order of examinations. It was agreed that
the harder subjects should be placed first in the list. It was proposed
that history should have the final place. The woman teacher of that
subject protested:

"But it is certainly one of the easiest subjects," the head of the
faculty declared.

The young woman shook her head, and spoke firmly:

"Not the way I teach it. Indeed, according to my method, it is a very
difficult study, and most perplexing."

                            *       *       *

Down in Virginia, near Yorktown, lived an aged negro whose proud boast
was that he had been the body servant of George Washington. As he was
very old indeed, no one could disprove his claims, and he made the most
of his historical pretentions. He was full of anecdotes concerning the
Father of His Country, and exploited himself in every tale. His favorite
narrative was of the capture of Lord Cornwallis by his master, which was
as follows:

"Yassuh, it were right on dis yere road, jest over dar by de fo'ks.
Gen'l Washin'ton, he knowed dat ole Co'nwallis, he gwine pass dis way,
an' 'im an' me, we done hid behin' de bushes an' watched. Yassuh, an'
when ole Co'nwallis, he come by, Gen'l Washin'ton, he jumped out at 'im,
an' he grab 'im by de collah, an' he say, 'Yoh blame' ole rascal, dat de
time what Ah done gone cotch ye!"


HOGS

The professor and his wife were doubtful about returning to the farm on
which they had passed the previous summer, because they had been
somewhat annoyed by the proximity of the pigsty to the house. Finally,
the professor wrote to the farmer and explained the objectionable
feature. He received the following reply:

"We hain't had no hogs on the place since you was here last summer. Be
sure to come."


HOLDING HIS OWN

The farmer, after seven years of effort on the stony farm, announced to
all and sundry:

"Anyhow, I'm holdin' my own. I hadn't nothin' when I come here, an' I
haven't nothin' now."


HOME BREW

The young man had offered his heart and hand to the fair damsel.

"Before giving you my decision," she said sweetly, "I wish to ask you a
question." Then, as he nodded assent: "Do you drink anything?"

The young man replied without an instant of hesitation and proudly:

"Anything!"

And she fell into his arms.


HOMESICKNESS

One of our volunteers in the late war lost some of his first enthusiasm
under the bitter experience of campaigning. One night at the front in
France, while his company was stationed in a wood, a lieutenant
discovered the recruit sitting on a log and weeping bitterly. The
officer spoke roughly:

"Now, what are you bawling about, you big baby?"

"I wish I was in my daddy's barn!" replied the soldier in a plaintive
voice.

"In your daddy's barn!" the astonished lieutenant exclaimed. "What for?
What would you do if you were in your daddy's barn?"

"If I was in my daddy's barn," the youth explained huskily through a
choking sob, "I'd go into the house mighty quick!"


HONEYMOON

The newly married pair were stopping in a hotel. The bride left the
groom in their room while she went out on a brief shopping expedition.
She returned in due time, and passed along the hotel corridor to the
door, on which she tapped daintily.

"I'm back, honey--let me in," she murmured with wishful tenderness. But
there was no answer vouchsafed to her plea. She knocked a little more
firmly, and raised her voice somewhat to call again:

"Honey, honey--it's Susie! Let me in!"

Thereupon a very cold masculine voice sounded through the door:

"Madam, this is not a beehive; it's a bathroom!"


HONORABLE INTENTIONS

A certain man notorious for his slowness paid attention for two years to
a young lady, without coming to the point. The girl's father thought it
time for him to interfere. On the swain's next visit, the father
interviewed him:

"Clinton, you've been settin' up with Nellie, an' takin' her to picnics,
an' to church an' buggy-ridin', an' nothin's come of it. So, now,
Clinton, I ask you, as man to man, what be your intentions?"

And Clinton responded unabashed:

"Well, answerin' you as man to man, I'll say there hain't no cause for
you to ruffle your shirt. My intentions is honorable--but remote."


HOSPITAL

Little Mary, who had fallen ill, begged for a kitten. It was found that
an operation was necessary for the child's cure, and that she must go
to the hospital. The mother promised that if she would be very brave
during this time of trial she should have the very finest kitten to be
found.

As Mary was coming out from the influence of the anesthetic, the nurse
heard her muttering, and stooping, heard these words:

"It's a bum way to get a cat."


HOSPITALITY

The good wife apologized to her unexpected guests for serving the apple
pie without cheese. The little boy of the family slipped quietly away
from the table for a moment, and returned with a cube of cheese, which
he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled in recognition of the
lad's thoughtfulness, popped the cheese into his mouth, and then
remarked:

"You must have sharper eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find
it?"

The boy replied with a flush of pride:

"In the rat-trap."


HUMBUG

Two boys once thought to play a trick on Charles Darwin. They took the
body of a centipede, the wings of a butterfly, the legs of a grasshopper
and the head of a beetle, and glued these together to form a weird
monster. With the composite creature in a box, they visited Darwin.

"Please, sir, will you tell us what sort of a bug this is?" the
spokesman asked.

The naturalist gave a short glance at the exhibit and a long glance at
the boys.

"Did it hum?" he inquired solemnly.

The boys replied enthusiastically, in one voice:

"Oh, yes, sir."

"Well, then," Darwin declared, "it is a humbug."


HUMIDITY

The little boy had been warned repeatedly against playing on the lawn
when it was damp. Saturday evening, his father heard him recite a
Scripture verse learned for the Sunday school.

"'Put off thy shoes from they feet, for the ground whereon thou standest
is----'" He halted at a loss.

"Is what, my boy?" asked the father.

"Is damp."


HUMILITY

The slow suitor asked:

"Elizabeth, would you like to have a puppy?"

"Oh, Edward," the girl gushed, "how delightfully humble of you. Yes,
dearest, I accept."


HUNGER

"That woman never turns away a hungry man."

"Ah, genuinely charitable!"

"Hardly that. She says, 'Are you so hungry you want to saw some wood for
a dinner?' And the answer is, 'No.'"


HUNTING

An amateur sportsman spent the day with dog and gun, but brought home no
game. A friend twitted him with his failure:

"Didn't you shoot anything at all?"

The honest fellow nodded miserably.

"I shot my dog."

"Why?" his questioner demanded. "Was he mad?"

The sportsman shook his head doubtfully.

"Not exactly mad," he asserted; "and not so darned tickled neither!"


IDENTITY

The paying teller told mournfully of his experience with a strange woman
who appeared at his wicket to have a check cashed.

"But, madam," he advised her, "you will have to get some one to
introduce you before I can pay you the money on this check."

The woman stared at him disdainfully.

"Sir!" she said haughtily. "I wish you to understand that I am here
strictly on business. I am not making a social call. I do not care to
know you."


IDIOMS

The foreigner, who prided himself on his mastery of colloquial
expressions in English, was speaking of the serious illness of a
distinguished statesman.

"It would be a great pity," he declared, "if such a splendid man should
kick the ghost."

                            *       *       *

The old man told how his brother made a hazardous descent into a well by
standing in the bucket while those above operated the windlass.

"And what happened?" one of the listeners asked as the aged narrator
paused.

The old man stroked his beard, and spoke softly, in a tone of sorrowing
reminiscence:

"He kicked the bucket."


ILLUSTRATION

Pat was set to work with the circular saw during his first day at the
saw mill. The foreman gave careful instructions how to guard against
injury, but no sooner was his back turned than he heard a howl from the
novice, and, on turning, he saw that Pat had already lost a finger.

"Now, how did that happen?" the foreman demanded.

"Sure," was the explanation, "I was jist doin' like this
when,--bejabers, there's another gone!"


IMPATIENCE

An acquaintance encountered in the village inquired of Farmer Jones
concerning his wife, who was seriously ill. That worthy scowled and
spat, and finally answered in a tone of fretful dejection:

"Seems like Elmiry's falin' drefful slow. Dinged if I don't wish as how
she'd git well, or somethin'."


IMPUDENCE

The ice on the river was in perfect condition. A small boy, with his
skates on his arm, knocked at the door of the Civil War veteran, who had
lost a leg at Antietam. When the door was opened by the old man, the boy
asked:

"Are you going out to-day, sir?"

"Well, no, I guess not, sonny," was the answer. "Why?"

"If you ain't," the boy suggested, "I thought I might like to borrow
your wooden leg to play hockey."


INDIRECTION

The bashful suitor finally nerved himself to the supreme effort:

"Er--Jenny, do you--think--er--your mother might--er--seriously
consider--er--becoming my--er-mother-in-law?"


INHERITANCE

A lawyer made his way to the edge of the excavation where a gang was
working, and called the name of Timothy O'Toole.

"Who's wantin' me?" inquired a heavy voice.

"Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer asked, "did you come from Castlebar, County
Mayo?"

"I did that."

"And your mother was named Bridget and your father Michael?"

"They was."

"It is my duty, then," said the lawyer, "to inform you, Mr. O'Toole,
that your Aunt Mary has died in Iowa, leaving you an estate of sixty
thousand dollars."

There was a short silence below, and then a lively commotion.

"Are you coming, Mr. O'Toole?" the lawyer called down.

"In wan minute," was bellowed in answer. "I've just stopped to lick the
foreman."

It required just six months of extremely riotous living for O'Toole to
expend all of the sixty thousand dollars. His chief endeavor was to
satisfy a huge inherited thirst.

Then he went back to his job. And there, presently, the lawyer sought
him out again.

"It's your Uncle Patrick, this time, Mr. O'Toole," the lawyer explained.
"He has died in Texas, and left you forty thousand dollars."

O'Toole leaned heavily on his pick, and shook his head in great
weariness.

"I don't think I can take it," he declared. "I'm not as strong as I
wance was, and I misdoubt me that I could go through all that money and
live."

                            *       *       *

In a London theatre, a tragedy was being played. The aged king tottered
to and fro on the stage as he declaimed:

"On which one of my two sons shall I bestow the crown?"

A voice came down from the gallery:

"Hi saye, guv'nor, myke it 'arf a crown apiece."

                            *       *       *

Said one Tommy to another:

"That's a snortin' pipe, Bill. Where'd you happen on it?"

"It was pussonal property of a Boche what tried to take me prisoner,"
was the answer. "Inherited it from him."


INITIATIVE

The sweet little girl had a violent tussle with her particular chum. Her
mother reprimanded her, and concluded by saying:

"It was Satan who suggested to you the pulling of Jenny's hair."

"I shouldn't be surprised," the child replied musingly. "But," she added
proudly, "kicking her in the shins was entirely my own idea."


INJUSTICE

The child sat by the road bawling loudly. A passer-by asked him what was
the matter.

"My ma, she's gone and drowned the kittens," the boy wailed.

"Oh, isn't that too bad!" was the sympathetic response.

The child bawled the louder.

"An' ma she promised me that I could drown 'em."


INNOCENCE

A little girl four years old was alone in the nursery with the door
closed and fastened when her little brother arrived and expressed a
desire to come in. The following was the dialogue:

"I wants to tum in, Sissy."

"But you tan't tum in, Tom."

"But I wants to."

"Well, I'se in my nightie gown an' nurse says little boys mus'n't see
little girls in their nightie gowns."

There was a period of silence during which the astonished little boy
reflected on the mystery. It was ended by Sissy's calling out:

"You tan tum in now, Tom--I tooked it off."

                            *       *       *

The very young clergyman made his first parochial call. He tried to
admire the baby, and asked how old it was.

"Just ten weeks old," the proud mother replied.

And the very young clergyman inquired interestedly:

"And is it your youngest?"


INQUISITIVENESS

In the smoking car, one of the passengers had an empty coatsleeve. The
sharer of his seat was of an inquisitive turn, and after a vain effort
to restrain his curiosity, finally hemmed and hawed, and said:

"I beg pardon, sir, but I see you've lost an arm."

The one-armed man picked up the empty sleeve in his remaining hand, and
felt of it with every evidence of astonishment.

"Bless my soul!" he exclaimed. "I do believe you're right."

                            *       *       *

The curiosity of the passenger was excited by the fact that his seatmate
had his right arm in a sling, and the following dialogue occurred:

"You broke your arm, didn't you?"

"Well, yes, I did."

"Had an accident, I suppose?"

"Not exactly. I did it in trying to pat myself on the back."

"My land! On the back! Now, whatever did you want to pat yourself on the
back for?"

"Just for minding my own business."


INSOMNIA

The man suffering from insomnia quite often makes a mistake in calling
the doctor, when what he needs is the preacher.


INSULT

The young wife greeted her husband tearfully on his return from the
day's work.

"Oh, Willie, darling," she gasped, "I have been so insulted!"

"Insulted!" Willie exclaimed wrathfully. "Insulted by whom?"

"By your mother!" the wife declared, and sobbed aloud.

The husband was aghast, but inclined to be skeptical.

"By my mother, Ella? Why, dearest, that's nonsense. She's a hundred
miles away."

"But she did," the wife insisted. "A letter came to you this morning,
and it was addressed in your mother's writing, so, of course, I opened
it."

"Oh, yes, of course," Willie agreed, without any enthusiasm.

"And it was written to you all the whole way through, every word of it,
except----"

"Except what?"

"Except the postscript," the wife flared. "That was the insult--that was
to me." The tears flowed again. "It said: 'P. S.--Dear Ella, don't fail
to give this letter to Willie. I want him to read it.'"

                            *       *       *

Tom Corwin was remarkable for the size of his mouth. He claimed that he
had been insulted by a deacon of his church.

"When I stood up in the class meeting, to relate my experience," Corwin
explained, "and opened my mouth, the Deacon rose up in front and said,
'Will some brother please close that window, and keep it closed!'"


INSURANCE

The woman at the insurance office inquired as to the costs, amounts
paid, etc.

"So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if my
house burns down. But do you ask questions about how the fire came to
start?"

"We make careful investigation, of course," the agent replied.

The woman flounced toward the door disgustedly.

"Just as I thought," she called over her shoulder. "I knew there was a
catch in it."


INTERMISSION

During a lecture, Artemas Ward once startled the crowd of listeners by
announcing a fifteen-minute intermission. After contemplating the
audience for a few minutes, he relieved their bewilderment by saying:

"Meanwhile, in order to pass the time, we will proceed with the
lecture."


INVENTORS

The profiteer, skimming over the advertisements in his morning paper,
looked across the damask and silver and cut glass at his wife, and
remarked enviously:

"These inventors make the money. Take cleaners, now, I'll bet that
feller Vacuum has cleared millions."


ITEMS

The painter was required to render an itemized bill for his repairs on
various pictures in a convent. The statement was as follows:


     Corrected and renewed the Ten Commandments            6.00
     Embellished Pontius Pilate and put a new ribbon
       on his bonnet                                       3.06
     Put a new tail on the rooster of St. Peter and
       mended his bill                                     4.08
     Put a new nose on St. John the Baptist and
       straightened his eye                                2.06
     Replumed and gilded the left wing of the Guardian
       Angel                                               5.06
     Washed the servant of the High Priest and put
       carmine on his cheeks                               2.04
     Renewed Heaven, adjusted ten stars, gilded the
       sun and cleaned the moon                            8.02
     Reanimated the flames of Purgatory and restored
       some souls                                          3.06
     Revived the flames of Hell, put a new tail on the
       devil, mended his left hoof and did several odd
       jobs for the damned                                 4.10
     Put new spatter-dashes on the son of Tobias and
       dressing on his sack                                2.00
     Rebordered the robe of Herod and readjusted his
       wig                                                 3.07
     Cleaned the ears of Balaam's ass, and shod him        2.08
     Put earrings in the ears of Sarah                     5.00
     Put a new stone in David's sling, enlarged Goliath's
       hand and extended his legs                          2.00
     Decorated Noah's Ark                                  1.20
     Mended the shirt of the Prodigal Son, and cleaned
       the pigs                                            1.00
                                                          -----
                                                          53.83


JOKES

The joke maker's association had a feast. They exploited their humorous
abilities, and all made merry, save one glum guest. At last, they
insisted that this melancholy person should contribute to the
entertainment. He consented, in response to much urging, to offer a
conundrum:

"What is the difference between me and a turkey?"

When none could guess the answer, the glum individual explained:

"I am alive. They stuff turkeys with chestnuts after they are dead."


KINSHIP

The urchin was highly excited, and well he might be when we consider his
explanation:

"They got twins up to sisters. One twin, he's a boy, an' one twin, she's
a girl, an' so I'm a uncle an' a aunt."

                            *       *       *

The Southern lady interrogated her colored cook, Matilda, concerning a
raid made on the chicken-house during the night.

"You sleep right close to the chicken-house, Matilda, and it seems to me
you must have heard the noise when those thieves were stealing the
chickens."

"Yes, ma'am," Matilda admitted, with an expression of grief on her dusky
features. "I heerd de chickens holler, an' I heerd the voices ob de
men."

"Then why didn't you go out and stop them?" the mistress demanded.

Matilda wept.

"Case, ma'am," she exclaimed, "I know'd my old fadder was dar, an' I
wouldn't hab him know I'se los' confidence in him foh all de chickens in
de world. If I had gone out dar an' kotched him, it would have broke his
ole heart, an', besides, he would hab made me tote de chickens home foh
him."


KISSES

The bridegroom, who was in a horribly nervous condition, appealed to the
clergyman in a loud whisper, at the close of the ceremony:

"Is it kisstomary to cuss the bride?"

The clergyman might have replied:

"Not yet, but soon."

                            *       *       *

The young man addressed the old grouch:

"When a fellow has taken a girl to a show, and fed her candy, and given
her supper, and taken her home in a taxi, shouldn't she let a fellow
kiss her good-night?"

The old grouch snorted.

"Humph! He's already done more than enough for her."


KISSING

The subject of kissing was debated with much earnestness for a half hour
between the girl and her young man caller. The fellow insisted that it
was always possible for a man to kiss a girl at will, whether she chose
to permit it or not. The maiden was firm in maintaining that such was
not the case. Finally, it was decided that the only solution of the
question must be by a practical demonstration one way or the other. So,
they tried it. They clinched, and the battle was on. After a lively
tussle, they broke away. The girl had been kissed--ardently for a period
of minutes. Her comment showed an undaunted spirit:

"Oh, well, you really didn't win fair. My foot slipped.... Let's try it
again."

                            *       *       *

The tiny boy fell down and bumped his head. His Uncle Bill picked the
child up, with the remark:

"Now I'll kiss it, and the pain will all be gone."

The youngster recovered his smiles under the treatment, and then, as he
was set down, addressed his uncle eagerly:

"Come down in the kitchen--the cook has the toothache."

                            *       *       *

Some Scottish deacons were famous, if not notorious, for the readiness
with which they could expound any passage of Scripture. It is recorded
of a certain elder that as he read and commented on the thirty-fourth
Psalm, he misread the sentence, "Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips
from speaking guile." He carelessly read the last two words: "squeaking
girls." But the astonishing phrase did not dismay him in the least, or
cause him to hesitate in his exegesis. He expounded instantly and
solemnly:

"It is evident from this passage, my brethren, that the Scripture does
not absolutely forbid kissing, but, as in Christianity everything is to
be done decently and in order, we are here encouraged by this passage to
choose rather those girls that take it quietly, in preference to those
that squeak under the operation."


LAUGHTER

Josh Billings said:

"Laff every time yu pheel tickled--and laff once in a while enny how."


LAW

The lawyer explained to the client his scale of prices:

"I charge five dollars for advising you as to just what the law permits
you to do. For giving you advice as to the way you can safely do what
the law forbids, my minimum fee is one hundred dollars."


LAWYERS

There was a town jail, and there was a county jail. The fact was worth
forty dollars to the lawyer who was approached by an old darky in behalf
of a son languishing in duress. The lawyer surveyed the tattered client
as he listened, and decided that he would be lucky to obtain a
ten-dollar fee. He named that amount as necessary to secure the
prisoner's release. Thereupon, the old colored man drew forth a large
roll of bills, and peeled off a ten. The lawyer's greedy eyes popped.

"What jail is your son in?" he inquired craftily.

"In the county jail."

"In the county jail!" was the exclamation in a tone of dismay. "That's
bad--very bad. It will cost you at least fifty dollars."

                            *       *       *

Some physicians direct their patients to lie always on the right side,
declaring that it is injurious to the health to lie on both sides. Yet,
lawyers as a class enjoy good health.


LEGERDEMAIN

"What did you do last night?"

"I went to a slight-of-hand performance. Called on Laura Sears, and
offered her my hand, and she slighted it."


LENT

"Did you give up anything during Lent?" one man asked another.

"Yes," was the reply, uttered with a heavy sigh. "I gave up fifty
dollars for a new Easter bonnet."


LIARS

The World War has incited veterans of the Civil War to new reminiscences
of old happenings. One of these is based on the fact that furloughs were
especially difficult to obtain when the Union army was in front of
Petersburg, Virginia. But a certain Irishman was resolved to get a
furlough in spite of the ban. He went to the colonel's tent, and was
permitted to enter. He saluted, and delivered himself thus:

"Colonel, I've come to ax you to allow me the pleasure of a furlough for
a visit home. I've been in the field now three years, an' never home yet
to see me family. An' I jest had a letter from me wife wantin' av me to
come home to see her an' the children."

The colonel shook his head decisively.

"No, Mike," he replied. "I'm sorry, but to tell the truth, I don't think
you ought to go home. I've jest had a letter from your wife myself. She
doesn't want you to come home. She writes me that you'd only get drunk,
and disgrace her and the children. So you'd better stay right here until
your term of service expires."

"All right, sir," Mike answered, quite cheerfully. He saluted and went
to the door of the tent. Then he faced about.

"Colonel dear," he inquired in a wheedling voice, "would ye be after
pardonin' me for a brief remark jist at this toime?"

"Yes, certainly," the officer assented.

"Ye won't git mad an' put me in the guard house for freein' me mind, so
to spake?"

"No, indeed! Say what you wish to."

"Well, thin, Colonel darlint, I'm afther thinkin' thar are at the
prisint moment in this tint two of the biggest liars in all the Army of
the Potomic, an' sure I'm one av thim--I have no wife."


LIES

A certain famous preacher when preaching one Sunday in the summer time
observed that many among the congregation ware drowsing. Suddenly, then,
he paused, and afterward continued in a loud voice, relating an incident
that had no connection whatever with his sermon. This was to the
following effect:

"I was once riding along a country road. I came to the house of a
farmer, and halted to observe one of the most remarkable sights I have
ever seen. There was a sow with a litter of ten little pigs. This sow
and each of her offspring had a long curved horn growing out of the
forehead between the ears."

The clergyman again paused, and ran his eye over the congregation.
Everybody was now wide-awake. He thereupon remarked:

"Behold how strange! A few minutes since, when I was telling you the
truth, you went to sleep. But now when you have heard a whopping lie,
you are all wide-awake."


LIGHTNING

The woman was strong-minded, and she was religious, and she was also
afflicted with a very feminine fear of thunder storms. She was
delivering an address at a religious convention when a tempest suddenly
broke with din of thunder and flare of lightning. Above the noise of the
elements, her voice was heard in shrill supplication:

"O Lord, take us under Thy protecting wings, for Thou knowest that
feathers are splendid non-conductors."


LISP

The kindergarten teacher questioned her tiny pupil:

"Do you know, Jennie, what a panther is?"

"Yeth, ma'am," Jennie replied, beaming. "A panther ith a man who makes
panth."


LITERAL

The class had been told by the teacher to write compositions in which
they must not attempt any flights of fancy, but should only state what
was really in them. The star production from this command was a
composition written by a boy who was both sincere and painstaking. It
ran as follows:

"I shall not attempt any flites of fancy, but wright just what is really
in me. In me there is my stommick, lungs, liver, two apples, two cakes
and my dinner."


LITERALNESS

The visitor from the city stopped in at the general store of the
village, and inquired:

"Have you anything in the shape of automobile tires?"

"Yep," the store-keeper answered briskly, "life-preservers, invalid
cushions, funeral wreaths, doughnuts, an' sich."


LOGIC

The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before
the gooseberry bush in the garden. She noted that his expression was
both puzzled and distressed.

"Why, what's the matter, little lamb?" she asked tenderly.

"I'm finkin, muvver," the boy answered.

"What about, little man?"

"Have gooseberries any legs, muvver?"

"Why, no! Of course not, dear."

The perplexity passed from the little boy's face, but the expression of
trouble deepened, as he spoke again:

"Then, muvver, I fink I've swallowed a catapillar."


LOQUACITY

The two old Scotchmen played a round of seventeen holes without a word
exchanged between them. As they came to the eighteenth green, Sandy
surveyed the lie, and muttered:

"Dormie."

Quoth Tammas, with a snarl:

"Chatter-r-rbox!"


LOVE

The philosopher calmly defined the exact difference between life and
love:

"Life is just one fool thing after another: love is just two fool things
after each other."


LOVE ME, LOVE ME NOT

The little girl came in tears to her mother.

"God doesn't love me," she sobbed.

"Of course, God loves you," the mother declared. "How did you ever come
to get such an idea?"

"No," the child persisted, "He doesn't love me. I know--I tried Him with
a daisy."


LUCK

The pessimist quoted from his own experience at poker in illustration of
the general cussedness of things:

"Frequent, I have sot in a poker game, and it sure is queer how things
will turn out. I've sot hour after hour in them games, without ever
takin' a pot. And then, 'long about four o'clock in the mornin', the
luck'd turn--it'd take a turn for the worse."

                            *       *       *

"How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very
expensive restaurant.

"Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that
small piece of potato, and there it was!"

                            *       *       *

The new reporter wrote his concluding paragraph concerning the murder as
follows:

"Fortunately for the deceased, he had deposited all of his money in the
bank the day before. He lost practically nothing but his life."

                            *       *       *

The editor of the country paper went home to supper, smiling radiantly.

"Have you had some good luck?" his wife questioned.

"Luck! I should say so. Deacon Tracey, who hasn't paid his subscription
for ten years, came in and stopped his paper."


LUNACY

The lunatic peered over the asylum wall, and saw a man fishing from the
bank of the river that ran close by. It was raining hard, which cooled
the fevered brow of the lunatic and enabled him to think with great
clearness. In consequence, he called down to the drenched fisherman:

"Caught anything?"

The man on the bank looked up, and shook his head glumly.

"How long you been there?" the lunatic next demanded.

"Three hours," was the answer.

The lunatic grinned hospitably, and called down an invitation:

"Come inside!"


LUXURY

The retired colonel, who had seen forty years of active service, gave
his body servant, long his orderly, explicit instructions:

"Every morning, at five sharp, Sam, you are to wake me up, and say,
'Time for the parade, sir.'

"Then, I'll say, 'Damn the parade!' and turn over and go to sleep
again."


LYING

The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring:

"I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving
town to-day for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the
train and pay him the money."

"You are excused," the judge announced in a very cold voice. "I don't
want anybody on the jury who can lie like you."

                            *       *       *

The tender young mother detected her baby boy in a deliberate lie. With
tears in her eyes, and a catch in her voice, she sought to impress upon
him the enormity of his offense.

"Do you know," she questioned severely, "what happens to little boys who
tell falsehoods?"

The culprit shook his head in great distress, and the mother explained
carefully:

"Why, a great big black man, with horns on his head and one eye in the
center of his forehead, comes along and grabs the little boy who has
told a falsehood, and flies with him up to the moon, and keeps him there
sifting ashes all the rest of his life. You won't ever tell another
falsehood, will you, darling? It's wicked!"

Mother's baby boy regarded the speaker with round-eyed admiration.

"Oh, ma," he gurgled, "what a whopper!"


MAIDENS

"I wish I could know how many men will be made wretched when I get
married," said the languishing coquette to her most intimate confidante.

"I'll tell you," came the catty answer, "if you'll tell me how many men
you're going to marry."


MAIDEN SPEECH

The unhappy man explained the cause of his wretchedness:

"I've never made a speech in my life. But last night at the dinner at
the club they insisted on my making some remarks, and I got up, and
began like this:

"As I was sitting on my thought, a seat struck me."


MANNERS

It is told of Prince Herbert Bismarck that at a reception in the Royal
Palace in Berlin he rudely jostled a high dignitary of the Italian
church. In answer to the prelate's expression of annoyance, the Prince
drew himself haughtily erect, and said, "I am Herbert Bismarck."

"Ah," replied the churchman, "that fact is perhaps an apology;
certainly, it is a complete explanation."

                            *       *       *

The tenderfoot in the Western town asked for coffee and rolls at the
lunch counter. He was served by the waitress, and there was no saucer
for the cup.

"What about the saucer?" he asked.

The girl explained:

"We don't hand out saucers no more. We found, if we did, like's not,
some low-brow would drift in an' drink out of the saucer, an' that ain't
good fer trade. This here is a swell dump."

                            *       *       *

After treading rather heavily on her foot, the man in the street car
made humble apology to the woman. She listened in grim silence, and,
when he had made an end, spoke very much to the point:

"That's it! Walk all over a body's feet, an' then blat about how sorry
you be. Well, I jest want you to understand that if I wasn't a puffick
lady, I'd slap your dirty face!"


MARKSMANSHIP

During the Saturday night revels in a frontier town, the scrawniest and
skinniest beanpole-type citizen got shot in the leg. The only doctor in
the town had done celebrating and gone to bed. A posse of citizens
pounded on the doctor's door, until he thrust his head out of a window.

"Whazzamazzer?" he called down.

"Comea-runnin', Doc. Joe Jinks's been shot."

"Whereabouts shot?"

"In the laig."

"_Some_ shootin'!" And the doctor slammed the window shut.


MARRIAGE

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

                            *       *       *

The mild little husband was appealing to the court for protection from
the large, bony belligerent and baleful female who was his wife.

"Let us begin at the beginning," said the judge. "Where did you first
meet this woman who has thus abused you?"

The little man shuddered, and looked everywhere except at his wife as he
replied:

"I never did, so to say, meet up with her. She jest naturally overtook
me."

                            *       *       *

An African newspaper recently carried the following advertisement:


                 _Wanted_
     Small nicely furnished house, nice
        locality, from August 1st, for
        nearly married couple.

                            *       *       *

The solemn ceremony of marriage was being performed for the blushing
young bride and the elderly gentleman who had been thrice widowed. There
was a sound of loud sobs from the next room. The guests were startled,
but a member of the bridegroom's family explained:

"That's only our Jane. She always cries when Pa is gettin' married."

                            *       *       *

The mistress was annoyed by the repeated calls of a certain negro on her
colored cook.

"You told me," she protested to the cook, "that you had no man friends.
But this fellow is in the kitchen all the time."

"Dat nigger, he hain't no friend o' mine," the cook declared scornfully.
"Him, he's jes' my 'usban'."

                            *       *       *

Deacon Gibbs explained why he had at last decided to move into town in
spite of the fact that he had always declared himself a lover of life in
the country. But his explanation was clear and conclusive.

"My third wife, Mirandy, she don't like the country, an' what Mirandy
she don't like, I jist nacherly hev to hate."

                            *       *       *

The wife suggested to her husband that he should pay back to her the
dollar he had borrowed the week before.

"But," the husband protested indignantly, "I've already paid that dollar
back to you twice! You can't expect me to pay it again!"

"Oh, very well," the wife retorted with a contemptuous sniff, "never
mind, since you are as mean as that."

                            *       *       *

The very youthful son of a henpecked father was in a gloomy mood,
rebellious against the conditions of his life. He announced a desperate
purpose:

"I'm going to get married. I'm bossed by pa an ma, an' teacher, an' I
ain't going to stan' for it. I'm going to get married right smack off. A
married man ain't bossed by nobody 'cept his wife."

                            *       *       *

The woman was six feet tall and broad and brawny in proportion. The man
was a short five feet, anemic and wobegone. The woman haled him before
the justice of the peace with a demand that he marry her or go to jail.

"Did you promise to marry this lady?" the justice asked.

"Guilty, your honor," was the answer.

The justice turned to the woman: "Are you determined to marry this man?"

"I am!" she snapped.

"Join hands," the justice commended. When they had done so he raised his
own right hand impressively and spoke solemnly:

"I pronounce you twain woman and husband."

                            *       *       *

A lady received a visit from a former maid three months after the girl
had left to be married.

"And how do you like being married?" the lady inquired.

The bride replied with happy enthusiasm:

"Oh, it's fine, ma'am--getting married is! Yes'm, it's fine! but, land's
sake, ma'am," she added suddenly, "ain't it tedious!"

                            *       *       *

The negro, after obtaining a marriage license, returned a week later to
the bureau, and asked to have another name substituted for that of the
lady.

"I done changed mah mind," he announced. The clerk remarked that the
change would cost him another dollar and a half for a new license.

"Is that the law?" the colored man demanded in distress. The clerk
nodded, and the applicant thought hard for a full minute:

"Gee!" he said at last. "Never mind, boss, this ole one will do. There
ain't a dollar and a half difference in them niggers no how."

                            *       *       *

The New England widower was speaking to a friend confidentially a week
after the burial of his deceased helpmate.

"I'm feelin' right pert," he admitted; "pearter'n I've felt afore in
years. You see, she was a good wife. She was a good-lookin' woman, an'
smart as they make 'em, an' a fine housekeeper, an' she always done her
duty by me an' the children, an' she warn't sickly, an' I never hearn a
cross word out o' her in all the thutty year we lived together. But
dang it all! Somehow, I never did like Maria.... Yes, I'm feelin' pretty
peart."

                            *       *       *

There were elaborate preparations in colored society for a certain
wedding. The prospective bride had been maid to a lady who met the girl
on the street a week after the time set for the ceremony and inquired
concerning it:

"Did you have a big wedding, Martha?"

"'Deed ah did, missus, 'deed ah did, de most splendiferous occasion ob
de season."

"Did you receive handsome presents?"

"Yes'm, yes'm, de hull house was jes' crowded wiv de gifts."

"And was your house nicely decorated?"

"Yes'm, yes'm. An' everybody done wear der very best, look jes' lak a
white-folks' weddin', yes'm."

"And yourself, Martha, how did you look?"

"Ah was sutinly some scrumptious, yes'm. Ah done wore mah white bridal
dress an' orange blossoms, yes'm. Ah was some kid."

"And the bridegroom, how did he appear?"

"De bridegroom? Aw, dat triflin', low-down houn' dawg, he didn't show up
at all, but we had a magnificious occasion wivout him, jes' de same!"


MERIT

Mrs. Rafferty stopped to address Mrs. Flannagan, who was standing at
ease in the door of the tenement. She spoke with an air of fine pride:

"I'm afther havin' a letter from me boy. He tells me that fer
meritorious condooct, his sintince will be reduced six months."

Mrs. Flannagan beamed appreciatively on hearing the glad tidings.

"Sure, now, an' what a comfort it must be t' yez, havin' a son what does
ye such credit."


MILITARY DISCIPLINE

The raw recruit was on sentry duty. He had a piece of pie, which he had
brought from the canteen, and proceeded to enjoy it. Just then, the
colonel happened along, and scowled at the sentry, who paid no attention
to him whatever.

"Do you know who I am?" the officer demanded.

The sentry shook his head. "Mebby, the veterinarian, or the barber, or
mebby the colonel himself." The sentry laughed loudly at his own wit.
But he wiltered as the officer sternly declared his identity.

"Oh good land!" the recruit cried out in consternation. "Please, hold
this pie while I present arms."


MISCELLANY

It is related concerning a sofa, belonging to a man blessed (?) with
seven daughters, all unmarried, which was sent to the upholsterer to be
repaired, that, when taken apart, the following articles were
discovered:

Forty-seven hairpins, three mustache combs, nineteen suspender buttons,
thirteen needles, eight cigarettes, four photographs, two hundred and
seventeen pins, some grains of coffee, a number of cloves, twenty-seven
cuff-buttons, six pocket-knives, fifteen poker-chips, a vial of
homeopathic medicine for the nerves, thirty-four lumps of chewing-gum,
fifty-nine toothpicks, twenty-eight matches, fourteen button-hooks, two
switches, a transformation and two plates of false teeth, which
apparently had bitten each other.


MISTAKEN IDENTITY

The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the
pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone
to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting
a large pumpkin, he sat on it industriously every moment he could steal
from his work. Came a day when he grew impatient, and determined to
hasten the hatching. He stamped on the pumpkin. As it broke open, a
startled rabbit broke from its cover in an adjacent corn shock and
scurried across the field. Pat chased it, shouting:

"Hi, thar! Stop! don't yez know your own father?"

                            *       *       *

The meek-looking gentleman arose hastily and offered his seat in the car
to the self-assertive woman who had entered and glared at him. She gave
him no thanks as she seated herself, but she spoke in a heavy voice that
filled the whole car:

"What are you standing up there for? Come here, and sit on my lap."

The modest man turned scarlet as he huskily faltered:

"I fear, madam, that I am not worthy of such an honor."

"How dare you!" the woman boomed. "You know perfectly well I was
speaking to my niece behind you."

                            *       *       *

The little man was perfectly harmless, but the lady sitting next to him
in the car was a spinster, and suspicious of all males. So, since they
were somewhat crowded on the seat, she pushed the umbrella between her
knee and his and held it firmly as a barrier. A shower came up, and the
woman when she left the car, put up the umbrella. As she did so, she
perceived that the little man had followed her. She had guessed that he
was a masher, now she knew it. She walked quickly down the side street,
and the man pursued through the driving rain. She ran up the steps of
her home, and rang the bell. When she heard the servant coming to the
door, feeling herself safe at last, she faced about and addressed her
pursuer angrily:

"How dare you follow me! How dare you! What do you want, anyhow?"

The drenched little man at the foot of the steps spoke pleadingly:

"If you please, ma'am, I want my umbrella."

                            *       *       *

The traveling salesman instructed the porter that he must leave the
train at Cleveland, where he was due at three o'clock in the morning. He
explained that violence might be necessary because he did not wake
easily. He emphasized his instructions with a generous tip.

The drummer awoke at six in the morning, with Cleveland far behind. In
a rage, he sought the porter. The colored man was in a highly disheveled
state and his face was bruised badly. His eyes popped at sight of the
furious traveling man, who allowed no opportunity for explanations or
excuses. He did all the talking, and did it forcibly. When at last the
outraged salesman went away, the porter shook his head dismally, and
muttered:

"Now, Ah shohly wonder who-all Ah done put off at Cleveland."

                            *       *       *

The assistant minister announced to the congregation that a special
baptismal service would be held the following Sunday at three o'clock in
the afternoon, and that any infants to receive the rite should be
brought to the church at that time.

The old clergyman, who was deaf, thought that his assistant was speaking
of the new hymnals, and he added a bit of information:

"Anyone not already provided can obtain them in the vestry for a dollar,
or with red backs and speckled edges for one dollar and a half."

                            *       *       *

The child went with her mother on a visit in New Jersey. At bedtime, the
little girl was nervous over the strangeness of her surroundings, but
the mother comforted her, saying:

"Remember, dear, God's angels are all about you."

A little later, a cry from the child called the mother back into the
room.

"The angels are buzzing all around just dreadful, mama, and they bite!"

                            *       *       *

The new clergyman was coming to call, and the mother gave Emma some
instructions:

"If he asks your name, say Emma Jane; if he asks how old you are, say
you are eight years old; if he asks who made you, say God made me."

It is a fact that the clergyman did ask just those three questions in
that order, to the first two of which Emma replied correctly. But it is
also a fact that when the minister propounded the third query, as to her
origin, the child hesitated, and then said:

"Mama did tell me the man's name, but I've gone and forgotten it."

                            *       *       *

The editor of a country newspaper betook himself to a party at the house
of a neighbor, where, only a few weeks earlier, a baby had been added to
the family. On the editor's arrival at the house, he was met at the door
by his hostess, a woman who suffered to some extent from deafness. After
the usual exchange of greetings, the editor inquired concerning the
health of the baby. The hostess had a severe cold, and she now
misunderstood the visitor's inquiry concerning the baby, thinking that
he was solicitous on her account. So she explained to the aghast editor
who had asked about the baby that, although she usually had one every
winter, this was the very worst one she had ever had, it kept her awake
at night a great deal, and at first confined her to her bed. Having
explained thus far, the good lady noticed the flabbergasted air of her
guest. She continued sympathetically; saying that she could tell by his
looks and the way he acted that he was going to have one just like hers.
Then she insisted that, as a precautionary measure for the sake of his
condition, he should come in out of the draft and sit down and stay
quiet.


MISMATED

A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for his
ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yoked
himself to a steer for the pulling. The steer promptly ran away, and the
lad had no choice but to run too. They came shortly into the village and
went tearing down the street. And as he raced wildly, the young man
shouted:

"Here we come--darn our fool souls! Somebody head us off!"


MIXED METAPHORS

A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of
the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegram
in announcement of his mother's death:

"Regret to announce that hand which rocked the cradle has kicked the
bucket."


MODESTY

A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving for a London
weekly wrote:

"I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for a whole
quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of third-rate
people."


MONEY TALKS

The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of
most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial
contribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe the
elderly gentleman replied benignantly:

"My good friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice."

The tramp spat contemptuously, and uttered an oath of disgust.

"If you hain't got no money," he jeered, "I reckon your advice ain't
worth hearin'."


MONEY VALUE

A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other
guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every
one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various
viands, and did not hesitate to give their value in dollars and cents.
In speaking of some very beautiful grapes served, which had been grown
on his estate, he wearied the company by a careful calculation as to
just how much a stem of them had cost him. Doctor Hale grinned
pleasantly as he extended his empty plate, with the request:

"I'll thank you to cut me off about $1.87 worth more, please."


MONOGAMY

The wives of the savage chief questioned the wife of the missionary:

"And you never let your husband beat you?"

"Certainly not," the Christian lady replied. "Why, he wouldn't dare to
try such a thing!"

The oldest wife nodded understandingly.

"It is plain enough why the foreign devil has only one wife."


MONOTONY

The son of the house addressed his mother wistfully.

"I'm going to have a little sister some day, ain't I?"

"Why, dear, do you want one?"

The child nodded seriously.

"Yes, mama, I do. It gets kin' o' tiresome teasin' the cat."


MORALITY

The more-or-less-religious woman was deeply shocked when the new
neighbors sent over on Sunday morning to borrow her lawn-mower.

"The very idea," she exclaimed to her maid, "of cutting grass on the
Sabbath! Shameful! Certainly, they can't have it. Tell them we haven't
any lawn-mower."


MOSQUITOES

The visitor from another state talked so much concerning the size and
fierceness of New Jersey mosquitoes that his host became somewhat
peeved.

"Funny!" the guest remarked. "You haven't your porch screened."

"No," the host snapped; "we're using mouse-traps."

                            *       *       *

A visitor in the South complained bitterly concerning the plague of
mosquitoes. An aged negro who listened respectfully explained a method
by which the pests might be endured. But this was in the days before
prohibition.

"My old Marse George, suh, he done managed them animiles sholy
splendiferous. Always when he come home nights, he so completely
intoxicated he don't care a cuss foh all the skeeters in the hull
creation. In the mawnin, when Marse George done git up, the skeeters so
completely intoxicated they don't care a cuss foh Marse George, ner
nobody!"


MOTTO

Two men walking along Avenue A in New York City observed a dingy saloon,
in the window of which was a framed sign, reading:

"_Ici on parle français_."

"I don't believe anybody talks French in that dump," one of the
observers remarked.

To settle the matter, they entered, and ordered ginger ale of a
red-headed barkeeper who was unmistakably Irish.

One of the men addressed the barkeeper:

"_Fait beau temps, monsieur_."

The barkeeper scowled.

"Come agin!" he demanded.

It was soon demonstrated that French was a language unknown to the
establishment.

The visitor then inquired as to the reason for the sign in the window,
explaining that it meant, "French is spoken here."

The Irish barkeeper cursed heartily.

"I bought it off a sheeny," he explained, "for six bits. He tould me it
was Latin for, 'God Bless Our Home.'"


MUSIC

Artemas Ward said:

"When I am sad, I sing, and then others are sad with me."

                            *       *       *

The optimistic pessimist explained why he always dined in restaurants
where music was provided.

"Because it works two ways: sometimes the music helps to make me forget
the food, and sometimes the food helps to make me forget the music."

                            *       *       *

The young man, who was interested in natural history, was sitting on the
porch one June evening with his best girl, who was interested in music.
The rhythmic shrilling of the insects pulsed on the air, and from the
village church down the street came the sounds of choir practise. The
young man gave his attention to the former, the girl to the latter; and
presently she spoke eagerly:

"Oh, don't it sound grand!"

The young man nodded, and answered:

"Yes, indeed! and it's interesting to think that they do it all with
their hind legs."

                            *       *       *

The boy violinist, played at a private musical, rendering a difficult
concerto, which contained some particularly long rests for the soloist:
During one of these intervals, a kindly dowager leaned toward the
performer, and whispered loudly:

"Why don't you play something that you know, my boy?"

                            *       *       *

The apoplectic and grumpy old gentleman in the crowded restaurant was
compelled to sit, much against his will, next to the orchestra. His
stare at the leader as the jazz selection came to an end. The annoyed
patron snorted, and then asked:

"Would you be so kind as to play something by request?"

The leader bowed again and beamed.

"Certainly," he replied; "anything you like, sir."

"Then," snapped the patron, "please be good enough to play a game of
checkers while I finish my meal."


NEATNESS

The Japanese are remarkably tidy in the matter of floors. They even
remove their shoes at the doorway. A Japanese student in New York was
continually distressed by the dirty hallways of the building in which
he lived. In the autumn, the janitor placed a notice at the entrance,
which read:

"Please wipe your feet."

The Japanese wrote beneath in pencil:

"On going out."


NEIGHBORS

It was a late hour when the hostess at the reception requested the
eminent basso to sing.

"It is too late, madam," he protested. "I should disturb your
neighbors."

"Not at all," declared the lady, beaming. "Besides, they poisoned our
dog last week."


NERVES

The older sister rebuked the younger when putting her to bed for being
cross and ill tempered throughout the day. After she had been neatly
tucked in, the little one commented:

"It's temper when it's me an' nerves when it's you."


NIGHTMARE

"And you say you have the same nightmare every night," the doctor
inquired. "What is it?"

The suffering man answered:

"I dream that I'm married."

"Ah, hum!" the physician grunted perfunctorily. "To whom?"

"To my wife," the patient explained. "That's what makes it a
nightmare."

The inn-keeper was inclined to take advantage of a particular guest who
did not scrutinize the bills rendered. When the clerk mentioned the fact
that this guest had complained of a nightmare, the host brightened, and
marked down an item of ten dollars charge for livery.


NOMENCLATURE

The young son of a mountaineer family in North Carolina had visited for
the first time in the town twelve miles from home, and had eaten his
mid-day meal there. Questioned on his return as to the repast, he
described it with enthusiasm, except in one particular:

"They done had something they called gravee. But hit looked like sop,
an' hit tasted like sop, an' I believe in my soul 'twar sop!"

                            *       *       *

When his daughter returned from the girls' college, the farmer regarded
her critically, and then demanded:

"Ain't you a lot fatter than you was?"

"Yes, dad," the girl admitted. "I weigh one hundred and forty pounds
stripped for 'gym.'"

The father stared for a moment in horrified amazement, then shouted:

"Who in thunder is Jim?"

                            *       *       *

On an occasion when a distinguished critic was to deliver a lecture on
the poet Keats in a small town, the president of the local literary
society was prevented by illness from introducing the speaker, and the
mayor, who was more popular than learned, was asked to officiate. The
amiable gentleman introduced the stranger with his accustomed eloquence,
and concluded a few happy remarks of a general character with this
observation:

"And now, my friends, we shall soon all know what I personally have
often wondered--what are Keats!"

                            *       *       *

During the scarcity of labor, a new clerk, who knew nothing of the
business, was taken on by a furniture house. His mistakes were so bad
that the proprietor was compelled to watch him closely, and to fire him
after the following episode.

A lady customer asked to see some chiffoniers. The clerk led her to the
display of bassinettes, which was an unfortunate error since the lady
was an old maid. She accepted his apology, however, and then remarked:

"Where are your sideboards?"

The clerk blushed furiously, as he replied:

"Why--er--I shaved them off last week."

                            *       *       *

The lady who had some culture, but not too much, was describing the
adventure of her husband, who had been in Messina at the time of the
earthquake.

"It was awful," she declared, in tense tones. "When Jim went to bed,
everything was perfectly quiet. And then, when he woke up, all of a
sudden, there beside him was a yawning abbess!"

                            *       *       *

One of the two girls in the subway was glancing at a newspaper.

"I see," she remarked presently to her companion, "that Mr. So and so,
the octogenarian, is dead. Now, what on earth is an octogenarian
anyhow?"

"I'm sure I haven't the faintest idea," the other girl replied. "But
they're an awful sickly lot. You never hear of one but he's dying."

                            *       *       *

A story is told of an office-seeker in Washington who asserted to an
inquirer that he had never heard of Mark Twain.

"What? Never heard of _Tom Sawyer_?"

"Nope, never heard of him."

"Nor _Huck Finn_?"

"Nope, never heard of him neither."

"Nor _Puddin'head Wilson_?"

"Oh, Lord, yes!" the office-seeker exclaimed. "Why, I voted for him."

And then he added sadly:

"An' that's all the good it done me."

                            *       *       *

The aged caretaker of the Episcopal church confided to a crony that he
was uncertain as to just what he was:

"I used to be the janitor, years ago. Then we had a parson who named me
the sextant. And Doctor Smith, he called me a virgin. And our young man,
he says I'm the sacrilege."


OBSTINACY

The old mountaineer and his wife arrived at a railway station, and for
the first time in their lives beheld a train of cars, which was standing
there. The husband looked the engine over very carefully, and shook his
head.

"Well, what do you think of it, father?" asked the old lady.

"She'll never start," was the firm answer: "she'll never start."

The conductor waved, the bell rang, the locomotive puffed, the train
moved slowly at first, then faster. It was disappearing in the distance
when the wife inquired slyly:

"Well, pa, what do you think of it now?"

The old man shook his head more violently than before.

"She'll never stop," he asserted; "she'll never stop!"


OMEN

The great pugilist was superstitious and fond of lobster. When the
waiter served one with a claw missing, he protested. The waiter
explained that this lobster had been worsted in a fight with another in
the kitchen. The great pugilist pushed back his plate.

"Carry him off," he commanded, "and bring me the winner."


OPTICAL ILLUSION

The sergeant rebuked the private angrily:

"Jenkins, why haven't you shaved this morning?"

"Why, ain't I shaved?" the private exclaimed, apparently greatly
surprised.

"No, you ain't," the sergeant snapped. "And I want to know the reason
why."

"Well, now, I guess it must be this way," Jenkins suggested. "There was
a dozen of us usin' the same bit of lookin' glass, an' I swan I must
have shaved somebody else."


OPTIMISM

The day laborer was of a cheerful disposition that naturally inclined to
seek out the good in every situation. He was a genuine optimist. Thus,
after tramping the three miles from home to begin the day's work on the
ditch, he discovered that he had been careless, and explained to a
fellow laborer:

"I've gone and done it now! I left my lunch at home."

Then, suddenly he beamed happily, as he added:

"And it's a good thing I did, for the matter of that, because I left my
teeth at home, too."

                            *       *       *

The optimist fell from the top story of a skyscraper. As he passed the
fourth story, he was overheard muttering:

"So far, so good!"


ORIENTATION

John B. Gough was fond of telling of a laird and his servant Sandy. The
two were on their way home on horseback late at night, and both were
much muddled by drink. At a ford where the bank was steep, the laird
fell head first into the creek. He scrambled up, and shouted to his
servant:

"Hold on, Sandy! Something fell off--I heard it splash!"

Sandy climbed down from the saddle, and waded about blindly in the
shallow water, with groping hands. At last, he seized on the laird.

"Why, it's yerself, mon, as fell oof!"

"No, Sandy," the master declared stoutly. "It can't be me--here I am."
Then he, added: "But if it is me, get me back on the horse."

Sandy helped the laird to the horse, and boosted him up astride. In the
dark, the rider was faced the wrong way to.

"Gie me the reins," the master ordered.

Sandy felt about the horse's rump, and, then cried out, clutching the
tail:

"It waur the horse's head as fell off--nothin' left but the mane!"

"Gie me the mane, then," the laird directed stolidly. "I must een hae
something to hold on."

So, presently, when he had the tail firmly grasped in both hands, and
Sandy had mounted, the procession began to move. Whereat, the laird
shouted in dismay:

"Haud on, Sandy! It's gaein' the wrang way!"


OUTWORN

Tiny Clara heard her mother say that a neighboring lady had a new baby.
The tot puzzled over the matter, and at last sought additional
information:

"Oh, mumsy, what is she going to do with her old one?"


PARADOX

The amiable old lady was overheard talking to herself as she left the
church along with the crowd that had attended the services:

"If everybody else would only do as I do, and stay quietly in their
seats till everyone else has gone out, there would not be such a crush
at the doors."

                            *       *       *

Two friends from Ireland on a tour occupied the same bedchamber in a
country inn. During the night a fearful storm raged. John spoke of it in
the morning while the two men were dressing.

"Did it rain?" Dennis asked in surprise.

"Rain!" John exclaimed. "It was a deluge, and the lightnin' was blindin'
and the thunder was deafenin'. Sure, I never heard the like."

"For the love of Hivvin!" Dennis cried out. "Why didn't yez waken me?
Didn't yez know I never can slape whin it thunders!"


PASTORAL

Burdette quotes as follows a year's statistics of parochial work, as
compiled by a young curate:

"Preached 104 sermons, 18 mortuary discourses, solemnized 21 hymeneal
ceremonies, delivered 17 lectures, of which 16 were on secular and all
the rest on religious subjects; made 39 addresses, of which all but 27
were on matters most nearly touching the vital religious concerns of the
church, read aloud in church 156 chapters of the Bible, 149 of which
were very long ones; made pastoral calls, 312; took tea on such
occasions, 312 times; distributed 804 tracts; visited the sick several
times; sat on the platform at temperance and other public meetings 47
times; had the headache Sabbath mornings, and so was compelled to appear
in a condition of physical pain, nervous prostration and bodily distress
that utterly unfitted him for

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