The English spy
by C. M. Westmacott · English · Gutenberg #20001 · 1,342,762 chars · public domain (US)
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Title: The English spy
an original work characteristic, satirical, and humorous. Comprising scenes and sketches in every rank of society, being portraits drawn from the life
Author: C. M. Westmacott
Illustrator: Robert Cruikshank
Release date: December 3, 2006 [eBook #20001]
Language: English
Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/20001
Credits: Produced by David Widger
*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ENGLISH SPY ***
Produced by David Widger
THE
ENGLISH SPY:
An Original Work
CHARACTERISTIC, SATIRICAL, AND HUMOROUS.
COMPRISING
SCENES AND SKETCHES IN EVERY RANK OF SOCIETY,
BEING
PORTRAITS
DRAWN FROM THE LIFE
BY BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.
THE ILLUSTRATIONS DESIGNED BY
ROBERT CRUIKSHANK.
By Frolic, Mirth, and Fancy gay, Old Father Time is borne away.
LONDON:
PUBLISHED BY SHERWOOD, JONES, AND CO.
PATERNOSTER-ROW.
1825.
[Illustration: Cover]
[Illustration: Frontispiece]
[Illustration: Titlepage]
BERNARD BLACKMANTLE{*} TO THE REVIEWERS.
"But now, what Quixote of the age would care
To wage a war with dirt, and fight with air?"
Messieurs the Critics,
After twelve months of agreeable toil, made easy by unprecedented
success, the period has at length arrived when your high mightinesses
will be able to indulge your voracious appetites by feeding and
fattening on the work of death. Already does my prophetic spirit picture
to itself the black cloud of cormorants, swelling and puffing in the
fulness of their editorial pride, at the huge eccentric volume which
has thus thrust itself into extensive circulation without the usual
_cringings_ and _cravings_ to the _pick fault tribe_. But
I dare defy the venal crew that prates,
From tailor Place* to fustian Herald Thwaites.{**}
* The woolly editor of the Breeches Makers', alias the
"Westminster Review."
** The thing who writes the leaden (leading) articles for
the Morning Herald.
Let me have good proof of your greediness to devour my labours, and I
will dish up such a meal for you in my next volume, as shall go nigh to
produce extermination by _surfeit_. One favour, alone, I crave--give me
_abuse_ enough; let no squeamish pretences of respect for my bookseller,
or disguised qualms of apprehension for your own sacred persons, deter
the _natural_ inclination of your hearts. The slightest deviation
from your _usual course_ to independent writers--or one step towards
commendation from your _gang_, might induce the public to believe I
had _abandoned my character_, and become one of your _honourable
fraternity_-the very _suspicion of which_ would (to me) produce
irretrievable ruin. _Your masters_, the _trading brotherhood_, will (as
usual) direct you in the course you should pursue; whether to approve or
condemn, as their _'peculiar interests_ may dictate. Most _sapient_ sirs
of the secret _bandit'_ of the screen, inquisitors of literature, raise
all your _arms_ and _heels_, your _daggers, masks_, and _hatchets_, to
revenge the daring of an _open foe_, who thus boldly defies your _base_
and _selfish views_; for, basking at his ease in the sunshine of public
patronage, he feels that his heart is rendered invulnerable to your_
poisoned shafts_. Read, and you shall find I have not been parsimonious
of the means to grant you _food_ and _pleasure_: errors there are, no
doubt, and plenty of them, grammatical and typographical, all of which
I might have corrected by an _errata_ at the end of my volume; but I
disdain the wish to rob you of your office, and have therefore left them
just where I made them, without a single note to mark them out; for if
all the _thistles were rooted up_, what would become of the _asses?_ or
of those
"Who pin their easy faith on critic's sleeve,
And, knowing nothing, ev'ry thing believe?"
Fully satisfied that swarms of _literary blow flies_ will pounce upon
the errors with delight, and, buzzing with the ecstasy of infernal joy,
endeavour to hum their readers into a belief of the profundity of their
critic erudition;--I shall nevertheless, with Churchill, laughingly
exclaim--"Perish my muse"
"If e'er her labours weaken to refine
The generous roughness of a nervous line."
Bernard Blackmantle.
CONTENTS. Page
INTRODUCTION 3
PREFACE, IN IMITATION OF THE FIRST SATIRE OF
PERSIUS 5
REFLECTIONS, ADDRESSED TO THOSE WHO CAN
THINK.
Reflections of an Author--Weighty Reasons for writing--
Magister Artis Ingeniique Largitor Venter--Choice of Subject
considered--Advice of Index, the Bookseller--Of the Nature
of Prefaces--How to commence a new Work 7
A FEW THOUGHTS ON MYSELF 14
A SHANDEAN SCENE, BETWEEN LADY MARY OLD--
STYLE AND HORATIO HEARTLY 17
SCHOOL--BOY REMINISCENCES. ON EARLY FRIEND--
SHIP 22
CHARACTER OF BERNARD BLACKMANTLE. BY
HORATIO HEARTLY 25
ETON SKETCHES OF CHARACTER 32
THE FIVE PRINCIPAL ORDERS OF ETON--DOCTOR,
DAME, COLLEGER, OPPIDAN, AND CAD. A
Sketch taken opposite the Long Walk 42
ETON DAMES; AN ODE, NEITHER AMATORY, ILL--
NATURED, NOR PATHETIC 43
ELECTION SATURDAY.
A Peep at the Long Chambers--The Banquet--Reflections
on parting--Arrival of the Provost of King's College, Cam--
bridge, and the Pozers--The Captain's Oration--Busy Monday
--The Oppidan's Farewell--Examination and Election of the
Collegers who stand for King's--The aquatic Gala and Fire--
works--Oxonian Visitors--Night--Rambles in Eton--Transfor-
mations of Signs and Names--The Feast at the Christopher,
with a View of the Oppidan's Museum, and Eton Court of
Claims 58
AN ETON ELECTION SCENE 59
HERBERT STOCKHORE, THE MONTEM POET
LAUREATE.
A Sketch from the Life, as he appeared in the Montem
Procession of May, 1823. By Bernard Blackmantle and
Robert Transit 67
LIFE IN ETON; A College Chaunt in praise of private
Tutors 68
RECOLLECTIONS OF AN OLD ETONIAN 78
ETON MONTEM 96
FAREWELL TO ETON 105
MY VALE 108
THE FRESHMAN.
Reflections on leaving Eton University--A Whip--Sketches
on the Road--The Joneses of Jesus--Picturesque Appearance
of Oxford from the Distance--The Arrival--Welcome of an
Old Etonian--Visit to Dr. Dingyman--A University Don--
Presentation to the Big Wig--Ceremony of Matriculation 113
CHRIST CHURCH COLLEGE.
Architectural Reminiscences--Descriptive Remarks--Simi-
litude between the Characters of Cardinal Wolsey and
Napoleon 129
THE DINNER PARTY.
Bernard Blackmantle's Visit to Tom Echo--Oxford Phrase-
ology--Smuggled Dinners--A College Party described--
Topography of a Man's Room--Portrait of a Bachelor of Arts
--Hints to Freshmen--Customs of the University 132
COLLEGE SERVANTS.
Descriptive Sketch of a College Scout--Biography of Mark
Supple--Singular Invitation to a Spread 146
TAKING POSSESSION OF YOUR ROOMS.
Topography of a vacant College Larium--Anecdotes and
Propensities of Predecessors--A Long Shot--Scout's List of
Necessaries--Condolence of University Friends 151
THE EXCURSION TO BAGLEY WOOD 157
WESTERN ENTRANCE INTO THE METROPOLIS.
A descriptive Sketch.
General Views of the Author relative to Subject and Style
--Time and Place--Perspective Glimpse of the great City--
The Approach--Cockney Salutations--The Toll House--
Western Entrance to Cockney Land--Hyde Park--Sunday
Noon-Sketches of Character, Costume, and Scenery--The
Ride and Drive--Kensington Gardens--Belles and Beaux-
Stars and fallen Stars--Singularities of 1824-Tales of Ton-
On Dits and Anecdotes--Sunday Evening--High Life and
Low Life, the Contrast--Cockney Goths--Notes, Biographical,
Amorous, and Exquisite 164
THE OPERA.
The Man of Fashion--Fop's Alley--Modern Roue and
Frequenters--Characteristic Sketches in High Life--Blue
Stocking Illuminati--Motives and Manners--Meeting with
the Honourable Lillyman Lionise--Dinner at Long's--Visit
to the Opera--Joined by Bob Transit--A Peep into the
Green Room--Secrets behind the Curtain--Noble Amateurs
and Foreign Curiosities--Notes and Anecdotes by Horatio
Heartly 198
THE ROYAL SALOON.
Visit of Heartly, Lionise, and Transit--Description of the
Place--Sketches of Character--The Gambling Parsons--Horse
Chaunting, a true Anecdote--Bang and her Friends--Moll
Raffle and the Marquis W.--he Play Man--The Touter--
The Half-pay Officer--Charles Rattle, Esq.--Life of a modern
Roue--B------ the Tailor--The Subject--Jarvey and Brooks
the Dissector--"Kill him when you want him" 205
THE SPREAD, OR WINE PARTY AT BRAZEN-NOSE.
A College Wine Party described--Singular Whim of
Horace Eglantine--Meeting of the Oxford Crackademonians
--Sketches of Eccentric Characters, drawn from the Life--
The Doctor's Daughter--an old Song--A Round of Sculls--
Epitaphs on the Living and the Dead--Tom Tick, a College
Tale--The Voyagers--Notes and Anecdotes 221
THE OXFORD RAKE'S PROGRESS 233
TOWN AND GOWN, AN OXFORD ROW.
Battle of the Togati and the Town--Raff--A Night--Scene in
the High-Street, Oxford--Description of the Combatants--
Attack of the Gownsmen upon the Mitre--Evolutions of the
Assailants--Manoeuvres of the Proctors and Bull--Dogs--
Perilous Condition of Blackmantle and his Associates, Eglan-
tine, Echo, and Transit--Snug Retreat of Lionise--The High--
Street after the Battle--Origin of the Argotiers, and Inven-
tion of Cant--phrases--History of the Intestine Wars and
Civil Broils of Oxford, from the Time of Alfred--Origin
of the late Strife--Ancient Ballad--Retreat of the Togati--
Reflections of a Freshman--Black Matins, or the Effect of
late Drinking upon early Risers--Visit to Golgotha, or the
Place of Sculls--Lecture from the Big--Wigs--Tom Echo
receives Sentence of Rustication 246
TOWNE AND GOWNE 263
THE STAGE COACH, OR THE TRIP TO BRIGHTON.
Improvements in Travelling--Contrast of ancient and
modern Conveyances and Coachmen--Project for a new Land
Steam Carriage--The Inn--yard at the Golden Cross, Charing
Cross--Mistakes of Passengers--Variety of Characters--Ad-
vantages of the Box--seat--Obstructions on the Road--A
Pull--up at the Elephant and Castle--Move on to Kennington
Common--New Churches--Civic Villas at Brixton--Modern
Taste in Architecture described--Arrival at Croydon; why
not now the King's Road?--The Joliffe Hounds--A Hunting
Leader--Anecdotes of the Horse, by Coachee--The new
Tunnel at Reigate--The Baron's Chamber--The Golden Ball
--the Silver Ball--and the Golden Calf--Entrance into
Brighton 274
THE PROPOSITION.
Family Secrets--Female Tactics--How to carry the Point 287
SKETCHES AT BRIGHTON.
The Pavilion Party--Interior described--Royal and Noble
Anecdotes--The King and Mathews 292
CHARACTERS ON THE BEACH AND STEYNE,
BRIGHTON.
On Bathing and Bathers--Advantages of Shampooing--
French Decency--Brighton Politeness--Sketches of Character
--The Banker's Widow--Miss J----s--Mrs. F----1--Peter
Paragraph, he London Correspondent--J--k S----h--The
French Consul--Paphian Divinities--C---- L----, Esq.
Squeeze into the Libraries--The new Plunging Bath--
Chain Pier--Cockney Comicalities--Royal Gardens--The
Club House 305
METROPOLITAN SKETCHES.
Heartly, Echo, and Transit start for a Spree--Scenes by
Daylight, Starlight, and Gaslight--Black Monday at Tatter--
sail's--The first Meeting after the Great St. Leger--Heroes of
the Turf paying and receiving--Dinner at Fishmongers' Hall
--Committee of Greeks--The Affair of the Cogged Dice--A
Regular Break--down--Rules for the New Club--The Daffy
Club, or a Musical Muster of the Fancy: striking Portraits--
Counting the Stars--Covent Garden, what it was and what it
is--The Finish--Anecdotes of Characters--The Hall of Infamy,
alias the Covent Garden Hell 327
VISIT TO WESTMINSTER HALL.
Worthies thereof--Legal Sketches of the Long Robe--An
Awkward Recognition--Visit to Banco Regis--Surrey Col--
legians giving a Lift to a Limb of the Law--Out of Rule and in
Rule--"Thus far shalt thou go, and no further"--Park
Rangers personified--Visit to the Life Academy, Somerset
House--R. A--ys of Genius reflecting on the true Line of
Beauty--Peep into the Green Rooms of the two Theatres Royal,
Drury Lane and Covent Garden--Bernard Blackmantle
reading his new Play and Farce--The City Ball at the Mansion
House--The Squeeze--Civic Characters--Return to Oxford--
Invite to Cambridge--Jemmy Gordon's Frolic--Term ends 355
ILLUSTRATIONS IN THE ENGLISH SPY.
(By R. CRUIKSHANK unless otherwise attributed)
We hope it will be generally admitted that few volumes have
a more decided claim upon the public patronage, in respect
to the novelty and variety of design, as well as the number
of illustrations, than the one here presented to the reader.
To speak of the choice humorous talent engaged in the work
would only be to re-echo the applauding sentiments of the
reviewers and admirers of rich graphic excellence.
Cruikshank and Rowlandson are names not unworthy a space
upon the same roll with Hogarth, Gilray, and Bunbury: to
exhibit scenes of character in real life, sketched upon the
spot, was an undertaking of no mean importance;
particularly, when it is remembered how great the difficulty
must have been in collecting together accurate portraits.
The work, it will be perceived, contains thirty-six Copper-
Plates, etched, aquainted, and coloured, by and under the
direction of the respective artists whose names appear to
the different subjects, the principal part of which are the
sole production of Mr. Robert Cruikshank. The Wood
Engravings, twenty-eight in number, besides the _Vignettes_,
(which are numerous), are equally full of merit; and will be
found, upon examination, to be every way worthy the superior
style of typographical excellence which characterises the
volume,
I.
THE FRONTISPIECE
Is intended to convey a general idea of the nature of the
work; combining, in rich classic taste, a variety of
subjects illustrative of the polished as well as the more
humble scenes of real life. It represents a Gothic Temple,
into which the artist, Mr. Robert Cruikshank, has introduced
a greater variety of characteristic subject than was ever
before compressed into one design. In the centre
compartment, at the top, we have a view of a Terrestrial
Heaven, where Music, Love, and gay Delight are all united to
lend additional grace to Fashion, and increase the splendour
of the revels of Terpsichore. In the niches, on each side,
are the twin genii, Poetry and Painting; while the
pedestals, right and left, present the protectors of their
country, the old Soldier and Sailor, retired upon pensions,
enjoying and regaling themselves on the bounty of their
King. In the centre of the Plate are three divisions
representing the King, Lords, and Commons in the full
exercise of their prerogatives. The figures on each side are
portraits of Bernard Blackmantle (the English Spy), and his
friend, Robert Transit (the artist), standing on projecting
pedestals, and playing with the world as a ball; not
doubting but for this piece of vanity, the world, or the
reviewers for them, will knock them about in return. On the
front of the pedestals are the arms of the Universities of
Oxford and Cambridge; and in the centre armorial shields of
the Cities of London and Westminster. The picture of a
modern Hell, in the centre, between the pedestals, has the
very appropriate emblems of Misery and Death, in the niches
on each side. Crowning the whole, the Genius of Wit is seen
astride of an eagle, demonstrative of strength, and wielding
in his hand the lash of Satire; an instrument which, in the
present work, has been used more as a corrective of we than
personal ill-nature.
II.
THE FIVE PRINCIPAL ORDERS OF SOCIETY.
The King-Corinthian; an elegant Female-Composite; the
Nobleman-Doric; a Member of the University-Ionic; and the
Buck of Fashion-Tuscan. On the left hand may be seen a
specimen of the Exquisite, a new order in high estimation at
the west end of the Town; and on the right hand stands an
old order of some solidity in the eastern parts of the
Metropolis. Fashion, Taste, and Fame, are emblematical of
the varied pursuits of life; while the Army and Navy of the
country are the capitals that crown the superstructure,
combining the ornamental with the useful.
III.
FIRST ABSENCE, OR THE SONS OF OLD ETONA
ANSWERING MORNING MUSTER-ROLL. 25
A view of the school-yard, Eton, at the time first Absence
is called, and just when the learned Doctor Keat is reviewing
the upper school. (Portraits.)
IV.
THE OPPIDAN'S MUSEUM, OR ETON COURT OF
CLAIMS AT THE CHRISTOPHER. 49
Bernard Blackmantle and Robert Transit sitting in judge-
ment after Election Saturday, apportioning the remuneration
money to the different claimants of the surrounding trophies.
V.
ETON MONTEM, AND THE MOUNT, SALT HILL. 96
An accurate sketch of this ancient customary procession
made upon the spot.
VI.
THE FIRST BOW TO ALMA MATER. 113
Bernard Blackmantle's Introduction to the Big Wig on his
Arrival at Oxford.
VII.
FLOORING OF MERCURY, OR BURNING THE OAKS. 131
A scene in Tom Quadrangle, Oxford.
"If wits aright their tale of terror tell,
A little after great Mercurius fell,
***
Gownsmen and Townsmen throng'd the water's edge
To gaze upon the dreadful sacrilege:
***
------there with drooping mien a silent band
Canons and Bedmaker together stand:--
***
In equal horror all alike were seen,
And shuddering scouts forgot to cap the Dean."
VIII.
COLLEGE COMFORTS. 151
Taking possession of your rooms. Bernard Blackmantle
taking possession of his rooms in Brazennose. Scout's list of
wants. Standing the quiz of the Togati Visible propensities
of your predecessor. The day of purification.
IX.
CAP-ING A PROCTOR, OR OXFORD BULL-DOGS
DETECTING BRAZENNOSE SMUGGLERS. 152
Tom Echo and Horace Eglantine lowering the plate-basket,
after the College-gates are closed, to obtain a supply of fresh
provision, are detected by the Proctor and Town Marshal with
their Bull-Dogs: in their alarm the basket and its contents are
suddenly let fall upon the Proctor, who is not able to under-
stand the joke.
X.
THE ARRIVAL, OR WESTERN ENTRANCE INTO
COCKNEY LAND. 164
Portrait of high and low life Dandies and Dandysettes.
XI.
THE GREEN-ROOM OF THE KING'S THEATRE, R
NOBLE AMATEURS VIEWING FOREIGN CURIOSITIES. 198
Portraits of ten noble and distinguished patrons of the
opera, with those of certain daughters of Terpsichore.
XII.
THE ROYAL SALOON IN PICCADILLY, OR AN HOUR
AFTER THE OPERA. 205
Heartly, Lionise, and Transit in search of Character--The
gambling Parsons--Legs and Leg-ees-Tats men and touters--
Moll Raffle and Bang.
XIII.
OXFORD TRANSPORTS, OR UNIVERSITY EXILES. 235
Albanians doing penance for past offences. A Scene sketched
from the Life. Horace Eglantine is proposing "the Study of
the Fathers," a favourite College toast, while Tom Echo is
enforcing Obedience to the President's proposition by finishing
off a Shirker. Dick Gradus having been declared absent, is
taking a cool nap with the Ice-pail in his arms and his head
resting upon a Greek Lexicon: in the left hand corner may
be seen a Scout bearing off a dead Man, (but not without hope
of Resurrection). Bob Transit and Bernard Blackmantle
occupy the situation on each side of Dick Gradus; in the
right-hand corner, Horace's servant is drawing the last Cork
from the parting bottle, which is to welcome in the peep o' day.
Injustice to the present authorities it should be stated,
that this is a Scene of other limes.--Vide A.
XIV.
SHOW SUNDAY, A VIEW IN THE BROAD WALK,
CHRIST CHURCH MEADOWS, OXFORD. 244
Portraits of the Togati and the town, including big wigs,
nobs, and dons. Among the more conspicuous are Dr. Kett,
Lord G. Grenville, Dr. Grovesnor, Alderman Fletcher, and
Mr. Swan.
XV.
TOWN AND GOWN. 246
Battle of the Togati and Town Raff of Oxford, a night scene.
--Bernard and his Friends, Horace and Tom, distributing
among the Bargees of St. Clement's.
XVI.
BLACK MATINS, OR THE EFFECTS OF LATE
DRINKING UPON EARLY RISERS. 269
A Most Imposing Scene.-Time seven o'clock in the Morn-
ing, the last bell has just tolled, and the University Men have
just turned out, while the hunting-frock, boots, and appear-
ance of some of the party, proclaim that they have just turned
in; all are eager to save fine and imposition, and not a few are
religiously disturbed in their Dreams. The admirable disorder
of the party is highly illustrative of the Effect produced by an
Evening Wine Party in College Rooms.
XVII.
GOLGOTHA, OR THE PLACE OF SCULLS. 272
Tom Echo receiving sentence of Rustication. The Big Wigs
in a Bustle. Lecture on disobedience and chorus of the
Synod. Reports from the Isle of Bull dogs. Running foul
of the Quicksands of Rustication after having passed Point
Failure and The Long Hope. Nearly blown up at Point
Nonplus, and obliged to lay by to refit.
XVIII.
THE EVENING PARTY AT THE PAVILION,
BRIGHTON. (BY O. M. BRIOHTY.) 296
Interior of the Yellow Room--Portraits of His Majesty,
the Duke of York, and Princess Augusta, Marquis and
Marchioness of Conyngham, Earl of Arran, Lord Francis
Conyngham, Lady Elizabeth and Sir H. Barnard, Sir H.
Turner, Sir W. Knighton, Sir E. Nagle, and Sir C. Paget,
sketched from the Life.
XIX.
THE KING AT HOME, OR MATHEWS AT CARLTON
HOUSE. 298
A scene founded on fact; including Portraits of the King,
Mathews, and other celebrated persons.
XX.
A FROLIC IN HIGH LIFE, OR, A VISIT TO BILLINGS-
GATE. 303
A very extraordinary whim of two very distinguished
females, whose Portraits will be easily recognised.
XXI.
CHARACTERS ON THE STEYNE, BRIGHTON. 309
Portraits of illustrious, noble, and wealthy Visitors--The
Banker's Widow--A Bathing Group--The Chain Pier, &c.
XXII.
TOM ECHO LAID UP WITH THE HEDDINGTON
FEVER, OR AN OXONIAN VERY NEAR THE
WALL. 323
Symptoms of having been engaged too deeply in the study
of Hie fathers. Portrait of a well-known Esculapian chief.
XXIII.
MONDAY AFTER THE GREAT ST. LEGER, OR
HEROES OF THE TURF PAYING AND RECEIVING
AT TATTERSALL'S. 329
This sketch was made upon the spot by my friend Transit,
on the Monday following the result of the last Great St. Leger
in 1823, when the Legs were, for the most part, in mourning
from the loss of their favourite Sherwood. Some long faces
will be easily recognized, and some few round ones, though
Barefoots, not easily be forgotten. The Tinkers were many
of them Levanters. Here may be seen the Peer and the Prig,
the Wise one and the Green one, the Pigeon and the Rook
amalgamated together. It is almost unnecessary to say, the
greater part of the characters are portraits.
XXIV.
EXTERIOR OF FISHMONGERS'-HALL, ST. JAMES'S
STREET, WITH A VIEW OF A REGULAR BREAKDOWN. 331
Portraits of the Master Fishmonger, and many well-
known Greeks and Pigeons.
XXV.
INTERIOR OF A MODERN HELL. (Vide the affair of
the cogged dice.) 334
Portraits of upwards of twenty well-known Punters and
Frequenters--Greeks and Pigeons, noble and ignoble--The
Fishmonger in a fright, or the gudgeon turned shark--Expose
of Saint Hugh's Bones--Secrets worth knowing. (See work.)
XXVI.
THE DAFFY CLUB, OR A MUSICAL MUSTER OF
THE FANCY. 339
Interior of Tom Belcher's Parlour. Heartly and Bob in
search of Character. Striking likenesses of Boxers, Betters,
&c.--with a pen and ink Sketch of a Noted--one--a fine
School for Practical Experience. (For key to Portraits-
see work.)
XXVII.
PEEP 0' DAYS AND FAMILY MEN AT THE FINISH. 342
A Night Scene near Covent Garden--Coffee and comical
company.
XXVIII.
FAMILY MEN AT FAULT, OR AN UNEXPECTED
VISIT FROM THE BISHOP AND HIS CHAPLAINS. 345
A Scene near Covent Garden, in which are introduced
certain well-known Characters and Bow-street Officers: in-
cluding Messrs. Bishop, Smith, Ruthven, and Townshend.
XXIX.
THE HALL OF INFAMY, ALIAS OYSTER SALOON,
IN BRYDGES-STREET, OR NEW COVENT GARDEN HELL. 354
Portraits of the old Harridan and her Flask man Tom.
Sketches of Sharps and Flats, Green ones and Impures.
Done from the Life.
XXX.
WESTMINSTER HALL. 361
Portraits of well-known Worthies of the Bar.--The Maiden
Brief.--Dick Gradus examining a Witness.
XXXI.
SURREY COLLEGIANS GIVING A LIFT TO A LIMB
OF THE LAW. 364
Interior of the King's Bench Prison--Rough-drying a Lawyer.
XXXII.
R-A-YS OF GENIUS REFLECTING ON THE TRUE
LINE OF BEAUTY AT THE LIFE ACADEMY,
SOMERSET HOUSE. (BY T. ROWLANDSON.) 365
Bob Transit's first appearance as a student. Sketching
from the Life. Outlines of character. How to grow rich but
not great. Secrets worth knowing, and Portraits of all the
Well-known.
XXXIII.
BERNARD BLACKMANTLE READING HIS PLAY IN
THE GREEN-ROOM OF COVENT GARDEN THEATRE. 366
Portraits of Messrs. C. Kemble, Fawcett, Farley, Jones,
Farren, Grimaldi, Macready, Young, T. P. Cooke, Chapman,
Blanchard, Abbott, Cooper, Yates, and the English Spy;
Mrs. Davenport, Miss Chester, Miss M. Tree, Miss Love, and
Mrs. Davison.
XXXIV.
BERNARD BLACKMANTLE READING HIS FARCE IN
THE GREEN ROOM OF THE THEATRE ROYAL,
DRURY LANE. (by T. Wageman.) 367
Portraits of Elliston, Dowton, Harley, Munden, Knight,
Liston, Oxberry, Sherwin, Gattie, Wallack, Terry, G. Smith,
and Barnard, Miss Stephens, Mrs. Orger, Madame Vestris,
Mrs. Harlowe, and the English Spy. The Likenesses are all
studies from the life.
XXXV.
THE CITY BALL AT THE MANSION HOUSE. 368
Portraits of the Duke of Sussex, the Lord Mayor (Waith-
man) and Lady Mayoress, the Sheriffs Laurie and Whittaker,
Aldermen Wood and Curtis, Sir Richard Phillips, Messrs.
Hone, Patten, with other well-known Characters.
XXXVI.
JEMMY GORDON'S FROLIC. 369
A Cambridge tale. Vide Peter House.
ILLUSTRATIONS ON WOOD
FROM ORIGINAL DESIGNS BY CRUIKSHANK, ROWLANDSON,
GILRAY, AND FINLAY, ENGRAVED BY BONNER AND HUGHES.
VIGNETTE ON TITLE PAGE.
Old Father Time borne away on the shoulders of the Genii,
Frolic, Mirth, and Fancy.
1. The Author's Chamber--Index, the bookseller, and Ber-
nard Blackmantle, projecting a new work
2. Horatio Heartly reading the "English Spy" to Lady
Mary Oldstyle 17
3. A correct view of Eton College from the playing-fields 32
4. The five principal orders of Eton--Doctor, Dame,
Colleger, Oppidan, and Cad. A Sketch taken opposite the
Long Walk 42
5. The Cloisters, Eton College 58
6. Herbert Stockhore, the Montem Poet Laureate, a Sketch
from the Life as he appeared in the Montem Procession of
May, 1823 59
7. Accurate View of the Interior of Eton College Hall 96
8. Interior of Eton School Room 105
9. The Oxonian reclining, an emblematical design 111
10. Five characteristic orders of Oxford 113
11. Portrait of Mr. B--the classical Alma Mater Coachman
of Oxford 128
12. View of Christchurch College 129
13. A Bachelor of Arts drinking of the Pierian Spring 136
14. View of Bagley Wood with the Gipsy party. An
extraordinary fine specimen of art, by Bonner. 157
15. Mother Goose, a portrait 162
16. Kensington Gardons, Sunday Evening. Portraits of
well-known fashionable eccentricities 164
17. Vignette.--he Subject and the Resurrection Jarvey,
or "Kill him when you want him" 220
18. Albanians starting for a spree, or Tom Tick on the road
to Jericho 233
19. Waiting for bail 240
20. The Don and the fair of St. Clement's. An Oxford
scene 243
21. The University Rake's Progress 273
22. The newly invented Steam Coach 274
23. View of the Pavilion, Brighton, from the London Road 286
24. A Night Scene, or, a rum start near B---- H----l 304
25. The Widow's ultimatum. A cutting joke, with a most
affecting catastrophe 313
26. College Frolics, or catching Urals at Ch. Ch. 325
27. Roues rusticating in Surrey, or, the first glimpse of
Banco Regis 363
28. Term, ends--Adieu to fagging--The High-street, Oxford
--The Togati in a bustle--The merry good bye 370
THE ENGLISH SPY.
Nor rank, nor order, nor condition,
Imperial, lowly, or patrician,
Shall, when they see this volume, cry,
"The satirist has pass'd us by:"
But, with good humour, view our page
Depict the manners of the age.
INTRODUCTION.
"The proper study of mankind is man."
A RHAPSODY.
Life's busy scene I sing! Its countenance, and form, and varied hue,
drawn within the compass of the eye. No tedious voyage, or weary
pilgrimage o'er burning deserts, or tempestuous seas, my progress marks,
to trace great nature's sources to the fount, and bare her secrets to
the common view.
In search of wonders, let the learn'd embark,
From lordly Elgin, to lamented Park,
To find out what I perhaps some river's course,
Or antique fragments of a marble horse;
While I, more humble, local scenes portray,
And paint the men and manners of the day.
Life's a theatre, man the chief actor, and the source from which the
dramatist must cull his choicest beauties, painting up to nature the
varied scenes which mark the changeful courses of her motley groups.
Here she opes her volume to the view of contemplative minds, and spreads
her treasures forth, decked in all the variegated tints that Flora,
goddess of the flowery mead and silvery dell, with many coloured hue,
besprinkles the luxuriant land.
Here, reader, will we travel forth, and in our journey make survey of
all that's interesting and instructive. Man's but the creature of a
little hour, the phantom of a transitory life; prone to every ill,
subject to every woe; and oft the more eccentric in his sphere, as rare
abilities may gild his brow, setting form, law, and order at defiance.
His glass a third decayed 'fore reason shines, and ere perfection crowns
maturity, he sinks forgotten in his parent dust. Such then is man,
uncertain as the wind, by nature formed the creature of caprice, and as
Atropos wills, day by day, we number to our loss some mirth-enlivening
soul, whose talents gave a lustre to the scene.-Serious and solemn,
thoughts be hence away! imagination wills that playful satire reign:--by
sportive fancy led, we take the field.
[Illustration: page004]
~4~~
PREFACE, IN IMITATION OF THE FIRST SATIRE OF PERSIUS.
DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE AUTHOR AND HIS FRIEND.
Author. However dangerous, or however vain, I am resolved.
Friend. You'll not offend again?
Author. I will, by Jove!
Friend. Take my advice, reflect; Who'll buy your sketches 1
Author. Many, I expect.
Friend. I fear but few, unless, Munchausen-like, You've something
strange, that will the public strike: Men with six heads, or monsters
with twelve tails, Who patter flash, for nothing else prevails In this
dull age.
Author. Then my success is certain; I think you'll say so when I draw
the curtain, And, presto! place before your wond'ring eyes A race
of beings that must 'cite surprise; The strangest compound truth and
contradiction Owe to dame Nature, or the pen of Action; Where wit and
folly, pride and modest worth, Go hand in hand, or jostle at a birth;
Where prince, peer, peasant, politician meet, And beard each other in
the public street;
~6~~
Where ancient forms, though still admired, Are phantoms that have long
expired; Where science droops 'fore sovereign folly, And arts are sick
with melancholy; Where knaves gain wealth, and honest fellows, By hunger
pinch'd, blow knav'ry's bellows; Where wonder rises upon wonder--
Friend. Hold! Or you may leave no wonders to be told. Your book, to
sell, must have a subtle plot--Mark the Great Unknown, wily *****
****: Print in America, publish at Milan; There's nothing like this
Scotch-Athenian plan, To hoax the cockney lack-brains.
Author. It shall be: Books, like Madeira, much improve at sea; 'Tis said
it clears them from the mist and smell Of modern Athens, so says sage
Cadell, Whose dismal tales of shipwreck, stress of weather, Sets all
divine _Nonsensia_ mad together; And, when they get the dear-bought
novel home, "They love it for the dangers it has overcome."
Friend. I like your plan: "art sure there's no offence?"
Author. None that's intended to wound common-sense. For your uncommon
knaves who rule the town, Your M.P.'s, M.D.'s, R.A.'s and silk gown,
Empirics in all arts, every degree, Just Satire whispers are fair game
for me.
Friend. The critic host beware!
Author. Wherefore, I pray? "The cat will mew, the dog will have his
day." Let them bark on! who heeds their currish note Knows not the
world--they howl, for food, by rote.
[Illustration: page007]
~7~~
REFLECTIONS, ADDRESSED TO THOSE WHO CAN THINK.
Reflections of an Author--Weighty Reasons for writing--
Magister artis ingeniique largitor Venter--Choice of Subject
considered--Advice of Index, the Book-seller--Of the Nature
of Prefaces--How to commence a new Work.
Author (solus). I must write--my last sovereign has long since been
transferred to the safe keeping of mine hostess, to whom I have
the honor to be obliged. I just caught a glance of her inflexible
countenance this morning in passing the parlour door; and methought
I could perceive the demon aspect of suspicion again spreading his
corrosive murky hue over her furrowed front. The enlivening appearance
of my golden ambassador had for a few days procured me a faint smile of
complacency; but the spell is past, and I shall again be doomed to the
humiliation
~8~~
of hearing Mrs Martha Bridget's morning lectures on the necessity
of punctuality. Well, she must be quieted, (i.e.) promise crammed,
(satisfied, under existing circumstances, is impossible): I know it
will require no little skill to obtain fresh supplies from her stores,
without the master-key which unlocks the flinty heart; but _nil
desperandum_, he who can brave a formidable army of critics, in pursuit
of the bubble fame, may at least hope to find wit enough to quiet the
interested apprehensions of an old woman. And yet how mortifying is the
very suspicion of inattention and disrespect. I have rung six times for
my breakfast, and as many more for my boots, before either have made
their appearance; the first has indeed just arrived, with a lame apology
from mine hostess, that the gentleman on the first floor is a very
impetuous fellow, requires prompt attention, gives a great deal of
trouble--but--then he pays a great deal of money, and above all, is very
punctual: here is my _quietus_ at once; the last sentence admits of no
reply from a pennyless author. My breakfast table is but the spectre of
former times;--no eggs on each side of my cup, or a plate of fresh Lynn
shrimps, with an inviting salt odour, that would create an appetite in
the stomach of an invalid; a choice bit of dried salmon, or a fresh cut
off the roll of some violet-scented Epping butter;--all have disappeared;
nay, even the usual allowance of cream has degenerated into skimmed
milk, and that is supplied in such cautious quantities, that I can
scarce eke it out to colour my three cups of inspiring bohea.
(A knock at the door.) That single rap at the street door is very
like the loud determined knock of a dun. The servant is ascending
the stairs--it must be so--she advances upon the second flight;--good
heavens, how stupid!--I particularly told her I should not be in town
to any of these people for a month. The inattention of servants is
unbearable; they can tell fibs
~9~~
enough to suit their own purposes, but a little white one to serve a
gentleman lodger, to put off an impertinent tradesman, or save him from
the toils of a sheriffs officer, is sure to be marred in the relation,
or altogether forgotten. I'll lock my chamber door, however, by way of
precaution. (Servant knocking.) "What do you want?" "Mr. Index, sir, the
little gentleman in black." "Show him up, Betty, directly." The key
is instantly turned; the door set wide open; and I am again seated in
comfort at my table: the solicitude, fear, and anxiety, attendant upon
the apprehensions of surprise, a bailiff, and a prison, all vanish in a
moment.
"My dear Index, you are welcome; the last person I expected, although
the first I could have wished to have seen: to what fortunate
circumstance am I to attribute the honor of this friendly visit?"
"Business, sir; I am a man of business: your last publication has sold
pretty well, considering how dreadfully it was cut up in the reviews;
I have some intention of reprinting a short edition, if you are not too
exorbitant in your demands; not that I think the whole number will be
sold, but there is a chance of clearing the expenses. A portrait by
Wageman, the announcement of a second edition, with additions, may help
it off; but then these additional costs will prevent my rewarding your
merits to the extent I am sensible you deserve."
"Name your own terms, Index, for after all you know it must come to
that, and I am satisfied you will be as liberal as you can afford." Put
in this way, the most penurious of the speculating tribe in paper and
print would have strained a point, to overcome their natural infirmity:
with Index it was otherwise; nature had formed him with a truly liberal
heart: the practice of the trade, and the necessary caution attendant
upon bookselling speculations, only operated as a check to the
noble-minded generosity of the
~10~~
man, without implanting in his bosom the avarice and extortion generally
pursued by his brethren.
The immediate subject of his visit arranged to our mutual satisfaction,
I ventured to inquire what style of work was most likely to interest the
taste of the town. 'The town itself--satire, sir, fashionable satire.
If you mean to grow rich by writing in the present day, you must first
learn to be satirical; use the lash, sir, as all the great men have
done before you, and then, like Canning in the Cabinet, or Gifford
and Jeffery as reviewers, or Byron and Southey as poets, you will be
followed more from the fear of your pen than from the splendour of
your talents, the consistency of your conduct, or the morality of your
principles. Sir, if you can but use the tomahawk skilfully, your fortune
is certain. '_Sic itur ad astra_.' Read Blackwood's Noctea Ambrosiance.
Take the town by surprise, folly by the ears; 'the glory, jest, and
riddle of the world' is man; use your knowledge of this ancient volume
rightly, and you may soon mount the car of fortune, and drive at random
wherever your fancy dictates. Bear in mind the Greek proverb, '_Mega
biblion, mega kakon_.' In your remarks, select such persons who, from
their elevated situations in society, ought to be above reproof, and
whose vices are, therefore, more worthy of public condemnation:
'------------Ridiculum acri
Fortius ac melius magnas plerumque secat res.'
By this means you will benefit the state, and improve the morals of
society. The most wholesome truths may be told with pleasantry. Satire,
to be severe, needs not to be scurrilous. The approval of the judicious
will always follow the ridicule which is directed against error,
ignorance, and folly."
How long little Index might have continued in this strain I know not, if
I had not ventured to suggest
~11~~
that the course he pointed out was one of great difficulty, and
considerable personal hazard; that to arrive at fortune by such means,
an author must risk the sacrifice of many old connexions, and incur no
inconsiderable dangers; that great caution would be necessary to escape
the fangs of the forensic tribe, and that in voluntarily thrusting his
nose into such a nest of hornets, it would be hardly possible to
escape being severely stung in retaliation. "_Pulchrum est accusari ah
accusandis_," said my friend, the bookseller, "who has suffered more by
the fashionable world than yourself? Have you not dissipated a splendid
patrimony in a series of the most liberal entertainments? Has not your
generous board been graced with the presence of royalty? and the banquet
enriched by the attendant stars of nobility, from the duke to the right
honorable knight commander. And have you not since felt the most cruel
neglect from these your early associates, and much obliged friends, with
no crime but poverty, with no reproach but the want of prudence? Have
you not experienced ingratitude and persecution in every shape that
human baseness could find ingenuity to inflict? And can you hesitate to
avail yourself of the noble revenge in your power, when it combines the
advantages of being morally profitable both to yourself and society?
'------------Velat materna tempora myrto.'
Virg.
'When Vice the shelter of a mask disdain'd,
When Folly triumph'd, and a Nero reign'd,
Petronius rose satiric, yet polite,
And show'd the glaring monster full in sight;
To public mirth exposed the imperial beast,
And made his wanton court the common jest.'"
With this quotation, delivered with good emphasis, little Index bade
me good morning, and left me impressed with no mean opinion of his
friendship,
~12~~
and with an increased admiration of his knowledge of the world.
But how (thought I) am I to profit by his advice? In what shape shall
I commence my eccentric course? A good general at the head of a large
army, on the eve of a general battle, with the enemy full in view, feels
less embarrassment than a young author finds in marshalling his crude
ideas, and placing the raw recruits of the brain in any thing like
respectable order. For the title, that is quite a matter of business,
and depends more upon the bookseller's opinion of what may be thought
attractive than any affinity it may possess to the work itself.
Dedications are, thanks to the economy of fashion, out of date: great
men have long since been laughed into good sense in that particular. A
preface (if there be one) should partake something of the spirit of the
work; for if it be not brief, lively, and humorous, it is ten to one but
your reader falls asleep before he enters upon chapter the first, and
when he wakes, fears to renew his application, lest he should be again
caught napping. Long introductions are like lengthy prayers before meals
to hungry men, they are mumbled over with unintelligible rapidity, or
altogether omitted, for the more solid gratifications of the stomach, or
the enjoyments of the mind. In what fantastic shape and countenance then
shall an author appear to obtain general approbation? or in what costume
is he most likely to insure success?
If he assumes a fierce and haughty front, his readers are perhaps
offended with his temerity, and the critics enraged at his assurance.
If he affects a modest sneaking posture, and humbly implores their
high mightinesses to grant him one poor sprig of laurel, he is treated
slightingly, and despised, as a pitiful fellow who wants that essential
ingredient in the composition of a man of talent and good breeding,
ycleped by the moderns confidence. If he speaks of
~13~~
the excellence of his subject, he creates doubts both with his readers
and reviewers, who will use their endeavours to convince him he has not
a correct knowledge of his own abilities. But if, like a well bred
man at court, he enters the drawing-room of literature in good taste,
neither too mean nor too gaudy, too bold or too formal, makes his bow
with the air and finish of a scholar and a gentleman, and passes on to
his place, unheedful of remark (because unconscious of offence), he is
sure to command respect, if he does not excite admiration.
Accept then, reader, this colloquial chapter, as the author's apology
for a preface, an imaginary short conference, or letter of introduction,
which brings you acquainted with the eccentric writer of this volume;
and as in all well regulated society a person is expected to give some
account of himself before he is placed upon terms of intimacy with
the family, you shall in the next page receive a brief sketch of the
characteristics of the author.
[Illustration: page013]
~13~~
A FEW THOUGHTS ON MYSELF.
The early biography of a man of genius is seldom, if ever, accurately
given to the public eye, unless, indeed, he is one of those _rara
avis_ who, with the advantages of great qualifications, inherits high
ancestral distinctions. But if, as is generally the case, from obscurity
of birth and humble life he rises into notice by the force and exertion
of his talents, the associates of his brighter fortunes know but little
of the difficulties which have obstructed his progress, or the toils and
fatigues he has endured, to arrive at that enviable point from which the
temple of Fame, and the road to fortune, may be contemplated with some
chance of enjoyment and success. Unwilling to speak of himself, lest he
should incur the charge of vanity or egotism, he modestly trusts to the
partial pen of friendship, or the conjectural pen of the commentator, to
do justice to events which no quill could relate so well as his own,
and which, if impartially and sensibly written, must advance him in the
estimation of society, and convince the world that with the mastery of
the great secret in his power, he was not more capable of appreciating
the characters of the age than familiar with the lights and shadows of
his own.
"Honour and shame from no condition rise;
Act well your part, there all the honour lies."
The reader will, no doubt, anticipate that the name of Bernard
Blackmantle is an assumed quaint cognomen, and perhaps be not less
suspicious of the author's right and title to the honorary distinction
annexed:
~14~~
let him beware how he indulges in such chimeras, before he has fully
entered into the spirit of the volume before him, lest, on perusal,
conviction should compel him to retract the ungracious thought. To be
plain, he is not desirous of any higher honorary distinction than the
good opinion of his readers. And now, sons and daughters of Fashion!
ye cameleon race of giddy elves, who flutter on the margin of the
whirlpool, or float upon the surface of the silvery stream, and, hurried
forwards by the impetus of the current, leave yourselves but little time
for reflection, one glance will convince you that you are addressed by
an old acquaintance, and, heretofore, constant attendant upon all the
gay varieties of life; of this be assured, that, although retired from
the fascinating scene, where gay Delight her portal open throws to
Folly's throng, he is no surly misanthrope, or gloomy seceder, whose
jaundiced mind, or clouded imagination, is a prey to disappointment,
envy, or to care. In retracing the brighter moments of life, the festive
scenes of past times, the never to be forgotten pleasures of his halcyon
days, when youth, and health, and fortune, blest his lot, he has no
tongue for scandal--no pen for malice--no revenge to gratify, but is only
desirous of attempting a true portraiture of men and manners, in the
higher and more polished scenes of life. If, in the journey through
these hitherto unexplored regions of fancy, ought should cross his path
that might give pain to worthy bosoms, he would sooner turn aside than
be compelled to embody the uncandid thought.
"Unknowing and unknown, the hardy Muse
"Boldly defies all mean and partial views;
"With honest freedom plays the critic's part,
"And praises, as she censures, from the heart."
And now, having said nearly as much as I think prudent of myself, and
considerably more than my
~17~~
bookseller usually allows by way of prefatory matter, I shall conclude
this chapter by informing the reader of some facts, with which I ought
to have commenced it, namely--For my parents, it must suffice that my
father was a man of talent, my mother accomplished and esteemed, and,
what is more to their honour, they were affectionate and kind: peace to
their manes! I was very early in life bereft of both; educated at one of
the public schools, I was, in due time, sent to matriculate at Oxford,
where, reader, I propose to commence my Eccentric Tour.
[Illustration: Page018]
[Illustration: Page019]
A SHANDEAN SCENE,
BETWEEN LADY MARY OLDSTYLE AND HORATIO HEARTLY.
"I know him well," said Horatio, with a half-suppressed sigh, as he
finished the introductory chapter to the first volume of the English
Spy, or Colloquial Sketches of Men and Manners. "He is no misanthrope,"
said my aunt, taking off her spectacles to wipe away the pearly drop
which meek-eyed pity gave to the recollection of scenes long passed.
Horatio paused--the book dropped instinctively upon his knee, as
his raised eye involuntarily caught the benign aspect of virtue and
intelligence, softened by the crystal gems of feeling. "I wish I knew
where he lived," said my aunt. "I'll find him out," said Horatio;-"Do,"
said my aunt, "and tell him an old friend of his father's, on whom
fortune has deigned to smile in the winter of her days, would feign
extend to him as much of worldly happiness as can be derived from the
enjoyment of worldly treasure."
~18~~
By that sort of magical attraction which imperceptibly links together
the souls of kindred spirits, Horatio's chair had made an angular
movement, of at least six degrees, in a direction nearer to his
venerable relation: no lover ever pressed with more fervency of
affection the yielding hand of his soul's deity, than did the grateful
nephew, at this moment, clasp within his eager grasp the aged palm of
bounteous charity. "I wish he may accept your kind offer," said Horatio.
"And why should he not?" said my aunt, with a half inclination of
extricating her hand, and a penetrating glance of doubt, directed full
in the face of the speaker: "I know not," said Horatio, (hesitating, as
if fearful of giving offence), "but,"-"But what?" said my aunt;-"But I
fear his natural love of independence, and eccentricity of mind, will
admit of no constraint, which his high sense of honor will anticipate
must be partially the case whenever he submits himself to accept the
favors of even such generous hearts as yours." "He would feel no
such thing," said my aunt. "He could not resist the impression," said
Horatio; "your liberality would, I know, be calculated to dispossess
him of the painful sensation; but if the inherent pride of the man could
be subdued, or calmed into acquiescence, by breathing the enchanting
air of friendship, the weight of gratitude, the secret monitor of
fine-wrought minds, would overpower his tongue, and leave him, in his
own estimation, a pauper of the poorest class." "Then I'll adopt another
mode," said my aunt; "and though I hate the affectation of secret
charities, because I think the donor of a generous action is well
entitled to his reward, both here and hereafter,--I'll hand out some way,
anonymously or otherwise, to indulge my humour of serving him." "You
are an angel!" said Horatio, with his eyes fixed on the ground--(the
spirit of the angel of benevolence,--quoth Reason, whispering in his
ear, would have been
~19~~
a better metaphor,--certainly inhabits the aged bosom of your father's
sister). Horatio's upraised eye rested on the wrinkled front of his
antique relative, just as the corrective thought gleamed in visionary
brightness o'er his brain; the poetic inspiration of the moment fled
like the passing meteor, but the feeling which excited it remained
engrafted on his memory for ever. "How shall we find him out, my dear
Horatio?" said my aunt, her whole countenance animated with delight
at the last flattering ejaculation of her nephew-"where shall we
seek him?--I'll order the carriage directly." The glow of pleasure
and anticipatory gratification, which at this moment beamed in the
countenance of the old lady, brought back the circling current of health
to the cheeks of age, and, with the blush of honest feeling, dispelled
the stains of time; the furrowed streaks of care vanished from her
front, and left her whole frame proportionably invigorated.
If the mere contemplation of a generous action can thus inspire the
young, and give new life to age, what a load of misery and deformity
might not the sons and daughters of nature divest themselves of, by
following the inherent dictates of benevolence! Reflection, whenever he
deigned to penetrate the pericranium of my cousin Horatio, took entire
possession of the citadel, and left him not even the smallest loophole
for the observation of any passing event. He was just fixed in one
of these abstracted reveries of the mind, traversing over the halcyon
scenes of his collegiate days, and re-associating himself with his early
friend, the author of the eccentric volume then in his hand, when the
above monition sprung from his heart, like the crystal stream that
sparkles in the air, when first it bursts through the mineral bondage of
the womb of nature.
"You are right," said my aunt. Horatio started with surprise, almost
unconscious of her presence, or
~20~~
what he had said to deserve her approbation. "True happiness," she
continued, "is the offspring of generosity and virtue, and never
inhabits a bosom where worldly interest and selfish principles are
allowed to predominate. There are many who possess all the requisites
for the enjoyment of true happiness, who, from the prejudices of
education, or the mistaken pride of ancestry, have never experienced the
celestial rapture: they have never been amalgamated with society, are
strangers to poverty themselves, and cannot comprehend its operation
upon others; born and moving in a sphere where the chilling blasts of
indigence never penetrate, or the clouds of adversity appal, they have
no conception of the more delightful gratification which springs
from the source of all earthly happiness, the pleasure and ability of
administering to the wants and comforts of our fellow creatures."
"Yours is the true philosophy of nature, aunt," said Horatio, "where
principle and practice may be seen, arm in arm, like the twin sisters,
Charity and Virtue,--a pair of antique curiosities much sought after,
but rarely found amid the assemblage of _virtu_ in the collections of
your modern people of fashion."
"I'll alter my will to-morrow morning," thought my aunt; "this boy
deserves to be as rich in acres as he already is in benevolence: he
shall have the Leicestershire estate added to what I have already
bequeathed him, by way of codicil."
"You would be delighted with my friend Bernard, aunt," said Horatio,
"that is, when he is in good spirits; but you must not judge of him by
the common standard of estimation: if, on the first introduction,
he should happen to be in one of those lively humours when his whole
countenance is lighted up with the brilliancy of genius, you would be
enraptured by the sallies of his wit, and the solidity of his reasoning;
but if, on the contrary, he should unfortunately
~21~~
be in one of those abstracted moods when all terrestrial objects are
equally indifferent, you will, I fear, form no very favourable opinion
of his merit. He is an eccentric in every respect, and must not be
judged of by the acquaintance of an hour. We were boys together at
Eton, and the associations of youth ripened with maturity into the
most sincere friendly attachment, which was materially assisted by the
similarity of our dispositions and pursuits, during our residence at
college. Your kind notice of my poor friend, aunt, has revived the
fondest recollections of my life--the joyous scenes of infancy, when the
young heart, free from the trammels of the world, and buoyant as the
bird of spring, wings along the flowery path of pleasure, plucking at
will the sweets of nature, and decking his infant brow with wreaths of
fresh gathered wild flowers." Horatio paused, not for want of subject,
but a train of recollections overpowered his memory, producing an
unspeakable sensation, which for a moment choked his utterance.
"There is a blank in this work, which you shall fill up," said my aunt;
"you must perform the office of an impartial historian for your friend,
and before we proceed farther with this volume, give me the history of
your school-boy days."
[Illustration: Page021]
~22~~
SCHOOL-BOY REMINISCENCES.
ON EARLY FRIENDSHIP.
In many a strain of grief and joy
My youthful spirit sung to thee;
But I am now no more a boy,
And there's a gulf 'twixt thee and me.
Time on my brow has set his seal;
I start to find myself a man,
And know that I no more shall feel
As only boyhood's spirit can.
ETONIAN.
There is an imperceptible but powerfully connecting link in our early
associations and school-boy friendships, which is very difficult to
describe, but exceedingly grateful to reflect on; particularly when
the retrospective affords a view of early attachments ripened into
perfection with maturity, and cementing firmly with increasing years.
Youth is the period of frankness and of zeal, when the young heart,
buoyant with hope and cheering prospects, fills with joy, and expands
in all the brightness of fancy's variety. The ambition, lures, and
conflicting interests of the world, have as yet made no inroad upon the
mind; the bosom is a stranger to misery, the tongue to deceit, the eye
glows with all the luxuriance of pleasure, and the whole countenance
presents an animated picture of health and intelligence illumined with
delight. The playfulness or incaution of youth may demand correction, or
produce momentary pain; but the tears of
~23~~
infancy fall like the summer dew upon the verdant slope, which the first
gleam of the returning sun kisses away, and leaves the face of nature
tinged with a blush of exquisite brilliancy, but with no trace of
the sparkling moisture which lately veiled its beauty. This is the
glittering period of life, when the gay perspective of the future seems
clothed in every attractive hue, and the objects of this world assume a
grace divine: then it is that happiness, borne on the wings of innocence
and light-hearted mirth, attends our every step, and seems to wait
obedient to our will.
What a painful reverse may not the retrospective view afford! how unlike
is the finished picture to the inspiring sketch. The one breathing the
soft air of nature, and sparkling in brilliant tints of variegated
hues, serene, clear, and transparent, like the magic pencilling of
the heavenly Claude, shedding ambrosial sweets around. The reverse
indistinct, and overpowered with gloomy shadows, a mixture of the
terrific and the marvellous, like the stormy and convulsive scenes
of the mighty genius of Salvator Rosa, with here and there a flash of
wildest eccentricity, that only serves to render more visible the murky
deformity of the whole.
Horatio had just finished his introductory rhapsody, when the door
opened, and my aunt's servant entered with tea and toast: the simmering
of the water round the heated tube of the urn, tingling in the ears of
Heartly, broke the thread of his narration. There was a pause of nearly
a minute, while John was busy in arranging the equipage. "You should
have waited till I had rung, John," said my aunt. "Please your
ladyship," said John, "you directed me always to bring tea in at six
precisely, without waiting for orders." My aunt looked puzzled: "You
are right, John, I did; and (addressing Horatio) the fault of the
interruption must therefore rest with me." Horatio bowed; the compliment
was too flattering to be
~24~~
misunderstood. "Draw the curtains, John," said my aunt, "and make up the
fire: we can help ourselves to what we want--you need not wait; and
do not interrupt us again until you are rung for." "This is very
mysterious," thought John, as he closed to the drawing-room door; and
he related what he thought to my lady's maid, when he returned to the
servants' hall. "You are, no conjurer, John," said Mrs. Margaret, with
an oblique inclination of the head, half amorous and half conceited--"the
old lady's will has been signed and sealed these three years; I was
present when it was made--ay, and I signed it too, and what's more, I
knows all its contents; there are some people in the world (viewing
herself in an opposite looking-glass) who may be very differently
circumstanced some day or other." John's heart had long felt a sort of
fluttering inclination to unburthen itself, by linking destinies with
the merry Mrs. Margaret; the prospect of a handsome legacy, or perhaps
an annuity, gave an additional spur to John's affectionate feelings, and
that night he resolved to put the question. All this Mrs. Margaret
had anticipated, and as she was now on the verge of forty, she very
prudently thought there was no time to lose. "They are a pair of
oddities," continued the waiting-maid; "I have sometimes surprised them
both crying, as if their hearts would break, over a new book: I suppose
they have got something very interesting, as my lady calls it and Mr.
Horatio is sermonizing as usual."--Mrs Margaret was not far wrong in her
conjecture, for when my aunt and Horatio were again alone, she rallied
him on the serious complexion of his style.
[Illustration: page025]
~25~~
CHARACTER OF BERNARD BLACKMANTLE.
BY HORATIO HEARTLY.
You shall have it from his own pen, said Horatio. In my portfolio, I
have preserved certain scraps of Bernard's that will best speak his
character; prose and poetry, descriptive and colloquial, Hudibrastic and
pastoral, trifles in every costume of literary fancy, according with the
peculiar humour of the author at the time of their inditing, from these
you shall judge my eccentric friend better than by any commendation of
mine. I shall merely preface these early offerings of his genius with a
simple narrative of our school-boy intimacy.
I had been about three months at Eton, and had grown somewhat familiar
with the characters of my associates, and the peculiarities of their
phraseology and pursuits, when our dame's party was increased by the
arrival of Bernard Blackmantle. It is usual with the sons of old Etona,
on the arrival of a fresh subject, to play off a number of school-boy
witticisms and practical jokes, which though they may produce a little
mortification in the first instance, tend in no small degree to display
the qualifications of mind possessed by their new associate, and give
him a familiarity with his companions and their customs, which
otherwise would take more time, and subject the stranger to much greater
inconvenience. Bernard underwent all the initiatory school ceremonies
and
~26~~
humiliations with great coolness, but not without some display of that
personal courage and true nobleness of mind, which advances the new
comer in the estimation of his school-fellows. First impressions are
almost always indelible: there was a frankness and sincerity in
his manner, and an archness and vivacity in his countenance and
conversation, that imperceptibly attached me to the young stranger. We
were soon the most inseparable cons,{1} the depositors of each other's
youthful secrets, and the mutual participators in every passing sport
and pleasure.
Naturally cheerful, Bernard became highly popular with our miniature
world; there was however one subject which, whenever it was incautiously
started by his companions, always excited a flood of tears, and for a
time spread a gloomy abstraction over his mind. Bernard had from his
very infancy been launched into the ocean of life without a knowledge of
his admiral{2} but not without experiencing all that a mother's fondness
could supply: when others recapitulated the enjoyments of their paternal
home, and painted with all the glow of youthful ardour the anticipated
pleasures of the holidays, the tear would trickle down his crimsoned
cheek; and quickly stealing away to some sequestered spot, his throbbing
bosom was relieved by many a flood of woe. That some protecting spirit
watched over his actions, and directed his course, he was well assured,
but as yet he had never been able to comprehend the mystery with which
he was surrounded. His questions on this point to his mother it was
evident gave her pain, and were always met by some evasive answer. He
had been early taught to keep his own secret, but the prying curiosity
of an Eton school-boy was not easily satisfied, and too often rendered
the task one of great pain and difficulty. On these occasions I would
seek
1 Friends.
2 The Eton phrase for father.
~27~~
him out, and as the subject was one of too tender a nature for the
tongue of friendship to dwell upon, endeavour to divert his thoughts by
engaging him in some enlivening sport. His amiable manners and generous
heart had endeared him to all, and in a short time his delicate feelings
were respected, and the slightest allusion to ambiguity of birth
cautiously avoided by all his associates, who, whatever might be their
suspicions, thought his brilliant qualifications more than compensated
for any want of ancestral distinction.
The following portrait of my friend is from the pen of our elegant con,
Horace Eglantine.
A PORTRAIT.
A heart fill'd with friendship and love,
A brain free from passion's excess,
A mind a mean action above,
A hand to relieve keen distress.
Poverty smiled on his birth,
And gave what all riches exceeds,
Wit, honesty, wisdom, and worth;
A soul to effect noble needs.
Legitimates bow at his shrine;
Unfetter'd he sprung into life;
When vigour with love doth combine
To free nature from priestcraft and strife.
No ancient escutcheon he claim'd,
Crimson'd with rapine and blood;
He titles and baubles disdain'd,
Yet his pedigree traced from the flood.
Ennobled by all that is bright
In the wreath of terrestrial fame,
Genius her pure ray of light
Spreads a halo to circle his name.
The main-spring of all his actions was a social disposition, which
embraced a most comprehensive view
~28~~
of the duties of good fellowship. He was equally popular with all
parties, by never declaring for any particular one: with the cricketers
he was accounted a hard swipe{3} an active field{4} and a stout
bowler;{5} in a water party he was a stroke{6} of the ten oar; at
foot-ball, in the playing fields, or a leap across Chalvey ditch, he was
not thought small beer{7} of; and he has been known to have bagged three
sparrows after a toodle{8} of three miles. His equals loved him for his
social qualities, and courted his acquaintance as the _sine qua non_
of society; and the younger members of the school looked up to him
for protection and assistance. If power was abused by the upper boys,
Bernard was appealed to as the mediator between the fag{9} and
his master. His grants of liberties{10} to the commonalty were
indiscriminate and profuse, while his influence was always exerted to
obtain the same privileges for his numerous proteges from the more
close aristocrats.{11} He was always to be seen attended by a shoal
of dependents of every form in the school, some to get their lessons
construed, and others to further claims to their respective stations in
3 A good bat-man.
4 To run well, or keep a good look out.
5 Strong and expert.
6 A first rate waterman.
7 Not thought meanly of. Sometimes this phrase is used in
derision, as, he does not think small beer of himself.
8 A walk.
9 Any sixth or fifth form boy can fag an Oppidan underling:
the collegers are exempted from this custom.
10 The liberties, or college bounds, are marked by stones
placed in different situations; grants of liberties are
licences given by the head boys to the juniors to break
bounds, or rather to except them from the disagreeable
necessity of shirking, (i. e.) hiding from fear of being
reported to the masters.
11 To that interesting original miscellany, the 'Etonian,' I
am indebted for several valuable hints relative to early
scenes. The characters are all drawn from observation, with
here and there a slight deviation, or heightening touch, the
rather to disguise and free them from aught of personal
offence, than any intentional departure from truth and
nature.
~29~~
the next cricket match or water expedition. The duck and green pea
suppers at Surley Hall would have lost half their relish without the
enlivening smiles and smart repartees of Bernard Blackmantle. The
preparations for the glorious fourth of June were always submitted to
his superior skill and direction. His fiat could decide the claims of
the rival boats, in their choice of jackets, hats, and favors; and the
judicious arrangement of the fire-works was another proof of his taste.
Let it not, however, be thought that his other avocations so entirely
monopolized him as to preclude a due attention to study. Had it been so,
his success with the [Greek phrase] would never have been so complete:
his desire to be able to confer obligations on his schoolfellows induced
Bernard to husband carefully every hour which he spent at home; a decent
scholarship, and much general knowledge, was the reward of this plan.
The treasure-house of his memory was well stored, and his reputation as
an orator gave promise of future excellence. His classical attainments,
if not florid, were liberal, and free from pedantry. His proficiency
in English literature was universally acknowledged, and his love of
the poets amounted to enthusiasm. He was formed for all the bustle
of variegated life, and his conversation was crystallized with the
sparkling attractions of wit and humour. Subject to the weakness to
which genius is ever liable, he was both eccentric and wayward, but he
had the good sense to guard his failing from general observation; and
although he often shot his arrows anonymously, he never dipt them in the
gall of prejudice or ill-nature. I have dwelt upon his character with
pleasure, because there are very few who know him intimately. With a
happy versatility of talents, he is neither lonesome in his solitude,
nor over joyous in a crowd. For his literary attainments, they must be
judged of by their fruits. I cannot better conclude my attempt
~30~~
to describe his qualifications than by offering his first essay to your
notice, a school-boy tribute to friendship.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP.
'Infido scurrae distabit amicus.'
Horace.
How very seldom do we find
A relish in the human mind
For friendship pure and real;
How few its approbation seek,
How oft we count its censures weak,
Disguising what we feel.
Adulation lives to please,
Truth dies the victim of disease,
Forgotten by the world:
The flattery of the fool delights
The wise, rebuke our pride affrights,
And virtue's banner's furl'd.
Wherefore do we censure fate,
When she withholds the perfect state
Of friendship from our grasp,
If we ourselves have not the power,
The mind to enjoy the blessed hour,
The fleeting treasure clasp?
This (I have reason to believe his first poetical essay) was presented
me on my birthday, when we had been about two years together at Eton:
a short time afterwards I surprised him one morning writing in his
bedroom; my curiosity was not a little excited by the celerity with
which I observed he endeavoured to conceal his papers. "I must see what
you are about, Bernard," said I. "Treason, Horatio," replied the young
author. "Would you wish to be implicated, or become a confederate? If
so, take the oath of secrecy, and read." Judge of my surprise, when, on
casting my eye over his lucubrations, I perceived he had been sketching
the portraits of the group, with
~31~~
whom we were in daily association at our dame's. As I perceive by a
glance at his work that most of his early friends have parts assigned
them in his colloquial scenes, I consider the preservation of this
trifle important, as it will furnish a key to the characters.
[Illustration: page032]
~32~~
ETON SKETCHES OF CHARACTER.
'----I'll paint for grown up people's knowledge,
The manners, customs, and affairs of college.'
PORTRAITS IN MY DAME'S DINING-ROOM.
At the head of the large table on the right hand you will perceive the
Honourable Lilyman Lionise, the second son of a nobleman, whose ancient
patrimony has been nearly dissipated between his evening parties at
the club-houses, in French hazard, or Rouge et noir, and his morning
speculations with his betting book at Tattersall's, Newmarket, or the
Fives-court; whose industry in getting into debt is only exceeded by
his indifference about getting out; whose acquired property (during his
minority) and personals have long since been knocked down by the hammer
of the auctioneer, under direction of the sheriff, to pay off some
gambling bond in preference to his honest creditor; yet who still
flourishes a fashionable gem of the first water, and condescends to lend
the lustre of
~33~~
his name, when he has nothing else to lend, that he may secure the
advantage of a real loan in return. His patrimonial acres and heirlooms
remain indeed untouched, because the court of chancery have deemed it
necessary to appoint a receiver to secure their faithful transmission to
the next heir.
The son has imbibed a smattering of all the bad qualities of his sire,
without possessing one ray of the brilliant qualifications for which he
is distinguished. Proud without property, and sarcastic without being
witty, ill temper he mistakes for superior carriage, and haughtiness
for dignity: his study is his toilet, and his mind, like his face, is
a vacuity neither sensible, intelligent, nor agreeable. He has few
associates, for few will accept him for a companion. With his superiors
in rank, his precedent honorary distinction yields him no consideration;
with his equals, it places him upon too familiar a footing; while with
his inferiors, it renders him tyrannical and unbearable. His mornings,
between school hours, are spent in frequent change of dress, and his
afternoons in a lounge a la Bond-street, annoying the modest females and
tradesmen's daughters of Eton; his evenings (after absence{1} is called)
at home, in solitary dissipation over his box of liqueurs, or in making
others uncomfortable by his rudeness and overbearing dictation. He
is disliked by the dame, detested by the servants, and shunned by his
schoolfellows, and yet he is our captain, a _Sextile, a Roue_, and above
all, an honourable.
Tom Echo. A little to the left of the Exquisite, you may perceive Tom's
merry countenance shedding good-humour around him. He is the only one who
can
1 _Absence_ is called several times in the course of the
day, to prevent the boys straying away to any great distance
from the college, and at night to secure them in quarters at
the dames' houses: if a boy neglects to answer to his name,
or is too late for the call, inquiry is immediately made at
his dame's, and a very satisfactory apology must be offered
to prevent punishment.
manage the _Sextile_ with effect: Tom is always ready with a tart reply
to his sarcasm, or a _cut_ at his consequence. Tom is the eldest son
of one of the most respectable whig families in the kingdom, whose
ancestors have frequently refused a peerage, from an inherent
democratical but constitutional jealousy of the crown. Independence
and Tom were nursery friends, and his generous, noble-hearted conduct
renders him an universal favorite with the school. Then, after holidays,
Tom always returns with such a rich collection of fox-hunting stories
and sporting anecdotes, and gives sock{2} so graciously, that he is the
very life of dame ------'s party. There is to be sure one drawback to
Tom's good qualities, but it is the natural attendant upon a high flow
of animal spirits: if any mischief is on foot, Tom is certain to be
concerned, and ten to one but he is the chief contriver: to be seen in
his company, either a short time previous to, or quickly afterwards,
although perfectly innocent, is sure to create a suspicion of guilt with
the masters, which not unusually involves his companions in trouble,
and sometimes in unmerited punishment. Tom's philosophy is to live well,
study little, drink hard, and laugh immoderately. He is not deficient in
sense, but he wants application and excitement: he has been taught from
infancy to feel himself perfectly independent of the world, and at
home every where: nature has implanted in his bosom the characteristic
benevolence of his ancestry, and he stands among us a being whom
every one loves and admires, without any very distinguishing trait of
learning, wit, or superior qualification, to command the respect he
excites. If any one tells a good story or makes a laughable pun, Tom
retails it for a week, and all the school have the advantage of hearing
and enjoying it. Any proposition for a boat party, cricketing, or a
toodle into Windsor, or along the banks of the Thames
2 Good cheer; any nicety, as pastry, &c.
~35~~
on a sporting excursion, is sure to meet a willing response from him. He
is second to none in a charitable subscription for a poor _Cad_, or the
widow of a drowned _Bargee_; his heart ever reverberates the echo of
pleasure, and his tongue only falters to the echo of deceit.
Horace Eglantine is placed just opposite to Lily man Lionise, a
calm-looking head, with blue eyes and brown hair, which flows in
ringlets of curls over his shoulders. Horace is the son of a city
banker, by the second daughter of an English earl, a young gentleman of
considerable expectations, and very amusing qualifications. Horace is
a strange composition of all the good-natured whimsicalities of
human nature, happily blended together without any very conspicuous
counteracting foible. Facetious, lively, and poetical, the cream of
every thing that is agreeable, society cannot be dull if Horace lends
his presence. His imitations of Anacreon, and the soft bard of Erin,
have on many occasions puzzled the cognoscenti of Eton. Like Moore
too, he both composes and performs his own songs. The following little
specimen of his powers will record one of those pleasant impositions
with which he sometimes enlivens a winter's evening:
TO ELIZA.
Oh think not the smile and the glow of delight,
With youth's rosy hue, shall for ever be seen:
Frosty age will o'ercloud, with his mantle of night,
The brightest and fairest of nature's gay scene.
Or think while you trip, like some aerial sprite,
To pleasure's soft notes on the dew-spangled mead,
That the rose of thy cheek, or thine eyes' starry light,
Shall sink into earth, and thy spirit be freed.
Then round the gay circle we'll frolic awhile,
And the light of young love shall the fleet hour bless
While the pure rays of friendship our eve-tide beguile,
Above fortune's frowns and the chills of distress
~36~~
The most provoking punster and poet that ever turned the serious and
sentimental into broad humour. Every quaint remark affords a pun or an
epigram, and every serious sentence gives birth to some merry couplet.
Such is the facility with which he strings together puns and rhyme,
that in the course of half an hour he has been known to wager, and win
it--that he made a couplet and a pun on every one present, to the
number of fifty. Nothing annoys the exquisite _Sextile_ so much as
this tormenting talent of Horace; he is always shirking him, and yet
continually falling in his way. For some time, while Horace was in the
fourth form, these little _jeu-d'esprits_ were circulated privately, and
smuggled up in half suppressed laughs; but being now high on the fifth,
Horace is no longer in fear of _fagging_, and therefore gives free
license to his tongue in many a witty jest, which "sets the table in a
roar."
Dick Gradus. In a snug corner, at a side table, observe that
shrewd-looking little fellow poring over his book; his features seem
represented by acute angles, and his head, which appears too heavy for
his body, represents all the thoughtfulness of age, like an ancient
fragment of Phidias or Praxiteles placed upon new shoulders by some
modern bust carver. Dick is the son of an eminent solicitor in a borough
town, who has raised himself into wealth and consequence by a strict
attention to the principles of interest: sharp practice, heavy
mortgages, loans on annuity, and post obits, have strengthened his list
of possessions till his influence is extended over half the county. The
proprietor of the borough, a good humoured sporting extravagant, has
been compelled to yield his influence in St. Stephen's to old Gradus,
that he may preserve his character at Newmarket, and continue his pack
and fox-hunting festivities at home. The representation of the place is
now disposed of to the best bidder, but the ambition of the father has
long since determined upon sending his son (when of age)
~37~~
into parliament--a promising candidate for the "loaves and fishes."
Richard Gradus, M.P.--you may almost perceive the senatorial honor
stamped upon the brow of the young aspirant; he has been early initiated
into the value of time and money; his lessons of thrift have been
practically illustrated by watching the operations of the law in his
father's office; his application to learning is not the result of an
innate love of literature, or the ambition of excelling his compeers,
but a cold, stiff, and formal desire to collect together materials
for the storehouse of his memory, that will enable him to pursue his
interested views and future operations on society with every prospect
of success. Genius has no participation in his studies: his knowledge
of Greek and Latin is grammatical and pedantic; he reads Livy, Tacitus,
Sallust, Caesar, Xenophon, Thucydides, in their original language;
boasts of his learning with a haughty mien and scornful look of
self-importance, and thinks this school-boy exercise of memory, this
mechanism of the mind, is to determine the line between genius and
stupidity; and has never taken into consideration that the mere
linguist, destitute of native powers, with his absurd parade of
scholastic knowledge, is a solitary barren plant, when opposed to the
higher occupations of the mind, to the flights of fancy, the daring
combinations of genius, and the sublime pictures of imagination. Dick
is an isolated being, a book-worm, who never embarks in any party
of pleasure, from the fear of expense; he has no talents for general
conversation, while his ridiculous affectation of learning subjects
him to a constant and annoying fire from the batteries of Etonian wit.
Still, however, Dick perseveres in his course, till his blanched cheeks
and cadaverous aspect, from close study and want of proper exercise,
proclaim the loss of health, and the probable establishment of some
pulmonary affection that may, before he scarcely reaches maturity,
blight the ambitious hopes of his father, and consign
~38~~
the son "to that bourne from whence no traveller returns."
Horatio Heartly. At the lower end of the room, observe a serene-looking
head displaying all the quiet character of a youthful portrait by the
divine Raphael, joined to the inspiring sensibility which flashes from
the almost breathing countenance and penetrating brilliancy of eye, that
distinguishes a Guido. That is my bosom friend, my more than brother, my
mentor and my guide. Horatio is an orphan, the son of a general officer,
whose crimsoned stream of life was dried up by an eastern sun, while
he was yet a lisping infant. His mother, lovely, young, and rich in
conjugal attachment, fell a blighted corse in early widowhood, and left
Horatio, an unprotected bud of virtuous love, to the fostering care of
Lady Mary Oldstyle, a widowed sister of the general's, not less rich in
worldly wealth than in true benevolence of heart, and the celestial
glow of pure affection. Heartly is a happy combination of all the
good-humoured particles of human nature blended together, with sense,
feeling, and judgment. Learned without affectation, and liberal without
being profuse, he has found out the secret of attaching all the school
to himself, without exciting any sensation of envy, or supplanting
prior friendships. Horatio is among the alumni of Eton the king of good
fellows: there is not a boy in the school, colleger, or oppidan, but
what would fight a long hour to defend him from insult; no--nor a
sparkling eye among the enchanting daughters of old _Etona_ that does
not twinkle with pleasure at the elegant congee, and amiable attentions,
which he always pays at the shrine of female accomplishment. Generous to
a fault, his purse--which the bounty of his aunt keeps well supplied--is
a public bank, _pro bono publico_. His parties to _sock_ are always
distinguished by an excellent selection, good taste, and superior
style. In all the varied school sports and pastimes, his manly form and
vigorous constitution gain him a superior
~39~~
station among his compeers, which his cheerful disposition enables him
to turn to general advantage. Nor is he in less estimation with the
masters, who are loud in their praises of his assiduity and proficiency
in school pursuits. Horatio is not exactly a genius: there is nothing
of that wild eccentricity of thought and action which betokens the vivid
flights of imagination, or the meteoric brightness of inspiration; his
actions are distinguished by coolness, intrepidity, and good sense. He
does not pretend to second sight, or a knowledge of futurity; but on the
present and the past there are few who can reason with more cogency
of remark, or with more classic elegance of diction: with such a
concentration of qualities, it is not wonderful that his influence
extends through every gradation of the juvenile band. His particular
attachments are not numerous; but those who have experienced the
sincerity of his private friendship must always remain his debtor--from
deficiency of expression; among the most obliged of whom is--the author.
Bob Transit. Bob has no fixed situation; therefore it would be in vain
to attempt to say where he may be found: sometimes he is placed next to
Bernard, and between him and Heartly, with whom he generally associates;
at other times he takes his situation at the side table, or fills up a
spare corner opposite to Dick Gradus, or the exquisite, either of whom
he annoys, during dinner, by sketching their portraits in caricature
upon the cover of his Latin Grammar, with their mouths crammed full of
victuals, or in the act of swallowing hot pudding: nor does the dame
sometimes escape him; the whole table have frequently been convulsed
with laughter at Bob's comic representation of Miss --------'s devout
phiz, as exhibited during the preparatory ceremony of a dinner grace:
the soul of whim, and source of fun and frolic, Bob is no mean auxiliary
to a merry party, or the exhilarating pleasure of a broad grin.
~40~~
Bob's _admiral_ is an R.A. of very high repute; who, having surmounted
all the difficulties of obscure origin and limited education, by the
brilliancy of his talents, has determined to give his son the advantage
of early instruction and liberal information, as a prelude to his
advancement in the arts. Talent is not often hereditary (or at least in
succession); but the facility of Transit's pencil is astonishing: with
the rapidity of a Fuseli he sketches the human figure in all its various
attitudes, and produces in his hasty drawings so much force of effect
and truth of character, that the subject can never be mistaken. His
humour is irresistible, and is strongly characterized by all the
eccentricity and wit of a Gilhay, turning the most trifling incidents
into laughable burlesque. Between him and Horace Eglantine there exists
a sort of copartnership in the sister arts of poetry and painting:
Horace rhymes, and Bob illustrates; and very few in the school of any
note have at one time or other escaped this combination of epigram
and caricature. Bob has an eye to real life, and is formed for all the
bustle of the varied scene. Facetious, witty, and quaint, with all
the singularity of genius in his composition, these juvenile _jeux
d'esprits_ of his pencil may be regarded as the rays of promise, which
streak with golden tints the blushing horizon of the morn of youth.
As Bob is not over studious, or attached to the Latin and Greek
languages, he generally manages to get any difficult lesson construed by
an agreement with some more learned and assiduous associate; the _quid
pro quo_ on these occasions being always punctually paid on his part by
a humorous sketch of the head master calling first absence, taken from
a snug, oblique view in the school-yard, or a burlesque on some of the
fellows or inhabitants of Eton. In this way Bob contrives to pass
school muster, although these specimens of talent have, on more than one
occasion, brought him to the block. It must however
~41~~
be admitted, that in all these flights of fancy his pencil is never
disgraced by any malignancy of motive, or the slightest exhibition of
personal spleen. Good humour is his motto; pleasure his pursuit: and if
he should not prove a Porson or an Elmsley, he gives every promise of
being equally eminent with a Bunbury, Gillray, or a Rowlandson.
Varied groups are disposed around the room, and make up the back ground
of my picture. Many of these are yet too young to particularize, and
others have nothing sufficiently characteristic to deserve it; some who
have not yet committed their first fault, and many who are continually
in error; others who pursue the straight beaten track to scholastic
knowledge, and trudge on like learned dromedaries. Two or three there
are who follow in no sphere-eccentric stars, shooting from space to
space; some few mischievous wags, who delight in a good joke, and will
run the risk of punishment at any time to enjoy it; with here and there
a little twinkling gem, like twilight planets, just emerging from the
misty veil of nature.
These form my dame's dinner party. Reader, do not judge them harshly
from this hasty sketch: take into your consideration their youth and
inexperience; and if they do not improve upon acquaintance, and increase
in estimation with their years, the fault must in justice rather be
attributed to the author than to any deficiency in their respective
merits.
[Illustration: page 041]
~42~~
THE FIVE PRINCIPAL ORDERS OF ETON, DOCTOR, DAME, COLLEGER, OPPIDAN, AND
CAD. A SKETCH TAKEN OPPOSITE THE LONG WALK.
[Illustration: page042]
[Illustration: page043]
ETON DAMES*; AN ODE, NEITHER AMATORY,
ILL-NATURED, NOR PATHETIC.
Let Oxford beaux, to am'rous belles,
Love's warm epistles write;
Or Cambridge youths, in classic dells,
Invoke the shadowy night.
* The above _jeu-d'esprit_ made its appearance on one of
those joyous occasions, when the sons of old Etona return
from Oxford and Cambridge, filled with filial regard for
early scenes and school-boy friendships, to commemorate a
college election. It was, at the time, purposely attributed
to some of these waggish visitors, a sort of privileged
race, who never fail of indulging in numerous good-humoured
freaks with the inhabitants of Eton, to show off to the
rising generation the pleasantries, whims, and improvements
of a college life. The subject is one of great delicacy, but
it will, I hope, be admitted by the merry dames themselves,
that my friend Bernard has in this, as in every other
instance, endeavoured to preserve the strongest traits of
truth and character, without indulging in offensive satire,
or departing from propriety and decorum.--Horatio Heartly.
~44~~
Let Cockney poets boast their flames,
Of ' Vicked Cupit' patter:
Be mine a verse on Eton Dames--
A more substantial matter.
I care not if the Graces three
Have here withheld perfection:
Brown, black, or fair, the same to me,--
E'en age is no objection.
A pleasing squint, or but one eye,
Will do as well as any;
A mouth between a laugh and cry,
Or wrinkled, as my granny.
A hobbling gait, or a wooden leg,
Or locks of silvery gray;
Or name her Madge, or Poll, or Peg,
She still shall have my lay.
Perfection centres in the mind,
The gen'rous must acknowledge:
Then, Muse, be candid, just, and kind,
To Dames of Eton College.*
* The independent students, commonly called _Oppidans_, are
very numerous: they are boarded at private houses in the
environs of the college; the presiding masters and
mistresses of which have from time immemorial enjoyed the
title of _Domine_ and _Dame_: the average number of
_Oppidans_ is from three hundred to three hundred and fifty.
FIVE PRINCIPAL ORDERS OF ETON
~45~~
PROEM.
Said Truth to the Muse, as they wander'd along,
"Prithee, Muse, spur your Pegasus into a song;
Let the subject be lively,--how like you the Belles?"
Said the Muse, "he's no sportsman that kisses and tells.
But in females delighting, suppose we stop here,
And do you bid the Dames of old Eton appear;
In your mirror their merits, with candour, survey,
And I'll sing their worth in my very best Lay."
No sooner 'twas said, than agreed:--it was done,
Wing'd Mercury summon'd them every one.
MISS A***LO.
First, deck'd in the height of the fashion, a belle,
An angel, ere Chronos had tipt her with snow,
Advanced to the goddess, and said, "you may tell,
That in Eton, there's no better table, you know;"
And by Truth 'twas admitted, "her generous board
Is rich, in whatever the seasons afford."
THE MISS t*****S.
Of ancients, a pair next presented themselves,
When in popp'd some waggish Oxonian elves,
Who spoke of times past, of short commons, and cheese,
And told tales, which did much the old ladies displease.
"Good morning," said Truth, as the dames pass'd him by:
Young stomachs, if stinted, are sure to outcry.
MRS. R******U.
On her _Domine_ leaning came dame B******u,
The oldest in college, deck'd in rich furbelow.
~46~~
She curtsied around to the _Oppidan_ band,
But not one said a word, and but few gave a hand.
Truth whisper'd the Muse,, who, as sly, shook her head,
Saying, "where little's told, 'tis soon mended, it's
said."
MRS. G******E.
When S******e appear'd, what a shout rent the air!
The spruce widow affords the most excellent cheer;
For comfort in quarters there's nothing can beat her,
So up rose the lads with a welcome to greet her:
The muse with true gallantry led her to place,
And Truth said good humour was writ in her face.
MRS. D****N.
With a face (once divine), and a figure still smart,
And a grace that defies even Time's fatal dart,
Dame D****n advanced, made her curtsy, and smiled:
Truth welcomed the fair, the grave, witty, and wild;
All, all gave their votes, and some said they knew
That her numbers by no measure equall'd her due.
MISS S******S.
"By my hopes," said the Muse, "here's a rare jolly pair,
A right merry frontispiece, comely and fair,
To good living and quarters." "You're right," nodded Truth.
A welcome approval was mark'd in each youth.
And 'twas no little praise among numbers like theirs,
To meet a unanimous welcome up stairs.
Miss L******d.
Lavater, though sometimes in error, you'll find
May be here quoted safely; the face tells the mind.
Good humour and happiness live in her eye.
Her motto's contentment you'll easily spy.
five principal orders of eton
~47~~
A chair for Miss L******d Truth placed near the Muse;
For beauty to rhyme can fresh spirit infuse.
MRS. V******Y.
V******y, in weeds led and angel along,
Accomplish'd and pretty, who blush'd at the throng.
The old dame seem'd to say, and i'faith she might well,
"Sons of Eton, when saw you a handsomer belle?"
If any intended the widow to sneer,
Miss A------won their favor, and banish'd the jeer.
Three sisters, famed for various parts,
One clerks, and one makes savoury tarts;
While t'other, bless her dinner face,
Cuts up the viands with a grace,
Advanced, and met a cheerful greeting
From all who glorify good eating.
MRS. W. H****R.
With a smile, _a la confident_, came Mrs. H,
Whose Domine writing to Eton's sons teach:
In college, the handiest man you can find
For improvements of all sorts, both building and mind:
He seem'd on good terms with himself, but the Muse
Said, "the Dame claim'd a welcome which none could refuse."
DAME A****S.
Dame A****s, respected by all, made her way
Through the throng that assembled at Eton that day.
Old Chronos had wrinkled her forehead, 'tis true;
Yet her countenance beam'd in a rich, mellow hue
Of good humour and worth; 'twas a pleasure to mark
How the dame was applauded by each Eton spark.
~48~~
MISS b*******K.
Long and loud were the plaudits the lady to cheer,
Whom the doctor had treated somewhat cavalier:
"Too young," said the ancient, "the proverb is trite;
Age and wisdom, good doctor, not always unite."
"For prudence and worth," said Truth, "I'll be bound
She may challenge the Dames of old Eton around."
A crowd pressing forward, the day growing late,
Truth whisper'd the Muse, "we had better retreat;
For though 'mong the dames we are free from disasters,
I know not how well we may fare with the masters.
There's Carter, and Yonge, Knapp, Green, and Dupuis,*
All coming this way with their ladies, I see.
Our visit, you know, was alone to the belles;
The masters may sing, if they please, of themselves.
Truth mounted a cloud, and the Poet his nag,
And these whims sent next day by the post-office bag.
* Lower, and assistant masters, who keep boarding-houses.
Until lately this practice was not permitted; but it must be
confessed that it is a salutary arrangement, as it not only
tends to keep the youth in a better state of subjection, but
in many instances is calculated to increase their progress
in study, by enabling them to receive private instruction.
[Illustration: page048
[Illustration: page049]
~50~~
ELECTION SATURDAY.
A Peep at the Long Chambers--The Banquet--Reflections on
parting--Arrival of the Provost of King's College,
Cambridge, and the Pozers--The Captain's Oration--Busy
Monday--The Oppidan's Farewell--Examination and Election of
the Collegers who stand for King's--The aquatic Gala and
Fireworks--Oxonian Visitors--Night--Rambles in Eton--
Transformations of Signs and Names--The Feast at the
Christopher, with a View of THE OPPIDAN'S MUSEUM, AND ETON
COURT OF CLAIMS.
Now from the schools pour forth a num'rous train,
Light-hearted, buoyant as the summer breeze,
To deck thy bosom, Eton: now each face
Anticipation brightens with delight,
While many a fancied bliss floats gaily
O'er the ardent mind, chaste as the Nautilus,
Spreading her pearly spangles to the sun:
The joyous welcome of parental love,
The heart-inspiring kiss a sister yields,
A brother's greeting, and the cheering smiles
Of relatives and friends, and aged domestics,
Time-honor'd for their probity and zeal,
Whose silvery locks recall to mem'ry's view
Some playful scene of earliest childhood,
When frolic, mirth, and gambol led the way,
Ere reason gave sobriety of thought.-
Now bear the busy _Cads_ the new-lopt bough
Of beech-tree to the dormitories,
While active Collegers the foliage raise
Against the chamber walls. A classic grove
Springs as by magic art, cool and refreshing,
A luxury by nature's self supply'd,
Delicious shelter from the dog-star's ray.
In thought profound the studious _Sextile_ mark
In learned converse with some ancient sage,
Whose aid he seeks to meet the dread Provost.
The captain fearless seeks the ancient stand,
Where old Etona's sons, beneath time's altar-piece,*
Have immemorial welcomed _Granta's_ chief.
In College-hall the merry cook prepares
The choicest viands for the master's banquet:
A graceful, healthy throng surround the board,
And temp'rance, love, and harmony, prevail.
Now busy dames are in high bustle caught,
Preparing for each oppidan's departure;
And servants, like wing'd Mercury, must fly
O'er Windsor bridge to hail the London coach.
Adieus on ev'ry side, farewell, farewell,
Rings in each passing ear; yet, nor regret
Nor sorrow marks the face, but all elate
With cheerful tongue and brighten'd eye, unite
To hail with joy Etona's holiday.
Now comes the trial of who stands for King's,
Examinations difficult and deep
The Provost and his pozers to o'ercome.
To this succeeds the grand aquatic gala,
A spectacle of most imposing import,
Where, robed in every costume of the world,
The gay youth direct the glittering prow;
A fleet of well-trimm'd barks upon the bosom
Of old father Thames, glide on to pleasure's note:
~51~~
The expert victors are received with cheers,
And the dark canopy of night's illumin'd
With a grand display of brilliant fires.
* Shortly after the arrival of the Provost, he proceeds
through the cloisters, where he is met by the captain, or
head boy of the school, who speaks a long Latin oration
before him, standing under the clock.
To an old Etonian the last week in July brings with it recollections of
delight that time and circumstances can never wholly efface. If, beneath
the broad umbrage of the refreshing grove, he seeks relief from care
and sultry heat, memory recalls to his imagination the scenes of his
boyhood, the ever pleasing recollections of infancy, when he reclined
upon the flowery bosom of old father Thames, or sought amusement in
the healthful exercise of bathing, or calmly listened to the murmuring
ripple of the waters, or joined the merry group in gently plying of the
splashing oar. With what eager delight are these reminiscences of youth
dwelt on! With what mingled sensations of hope, fear, and regret, do we
revert to the happy period of life when, like the favorite flower of the
month, our minds and actions rivalled the lily in her purity! Who, that
has ever tasted of the inspiring delight which springs from associations
of scholastic friendships and amusements, but would eagerly quit the
bustle of the great world to indulge in the enjoyment of the pure
and unalloyed felicity which is yet to be found among the alumni
of Eton?--Election Saturday--the very sound reverberates the echo of
pleasure, and in a moment places me (in imagination) in the centre of
the long chambers of Eton, walking beneath the grateful foliage of the
beech-tree, with which those dormitories are always decorated previous
to election Saturday. I can almost fancy that I hear the rattle of
the carriage wheels, and see the four horses smoking beneath the
lodge-window of Eton college, that conveys the provost of King's to
attend examination and election. Then too I can figure the classic band
who wait to
~52~~
receive him; the dignified little doctor leading the way, followed
by the steady, calm-visaged lower master, Carter; then comes benedict
Yonge, and after him a space intervenes, where one should have been of
rare qualities, but he is absent; then follows good-humoured Heath, and
Knapp, who loves the rattle of a coach, and pleasant, clever Hawtry, and
careful Okes, and that shrewd sapper, Green, followed by medium Dupuis,
and the intelligent Chapman: these form his classic escort to the
cloisters. But who shall paint the captain's envied feelings, the proud
triumph of his assiduity and skill? To him the honourable office of
public orator is assigned; with modest reverence he speaks the Latin
oration, standing, as is the custom from time immemorial, under the
clock. There too he receives the bright reward, the approbation of
the Provost of King's college, and the procession moves forward to the
College-hall to partake of the generous banquet. On Sunday the Provost
of King's remains a guest with his compeer of Eton. But busy Monday
arrives, and hundreds of Oxonians and Cantabs pour in to witness the
speeches of the boys, and pay a tribute of respect to their former
masters. The exhibition this day takes place in the upper school, and
consists of sixth form oppidans and collegers. How well can I remember
the animated picture Eton presents on such occasions: shoals of
juvenile oppidans, who are not yet of an age to have been elected of any
particular school-party, marching forth from their dames' houses, linked
arm in arm, parading down the street with an air and gaiety that implies
some newly acquired consequence, or liberty of conduct. Every where a
holiday face presents itself, and good humour lisps upon every tongue.
Here may be seen a youthful group, all anxiety and bustle, trudging
after some well-known _Cad_, who creeps along towards the Windsor
coach-office, loaded with portmanteaus, carpet bags, and
~53~~
boxes, like a Norfolk caravan at Christmas time; while the youthful
proprietors of the bulky stock, all anxiety and desire to reach their
relatives and friends, are hurrying him on, and do not fail to spur the
_elephant_ with many a cutting gibe, at his slow progression. Within
doors the dames are all bustle, collecting, arranging, and packing up
the wardrobes of their respective boarders; servants flying from the
hall to the attic, and endangering their necks in their passage down
again, from anxiety to meet the breathless impetuosity of their parting
guests. Books of all classes, huddled into a heap, may be seen in the
corner of each bedroom, making _sock_ for the mice till the return
of their purveyors with lots of plum-cake and savoury tarts. The more
mature are now busily engaged in settling the fashion of their costume
for the approaching gala; in receiving a visit from an elder brother, or
a young Oxonian, formerly of Eton, who has arrived post to take _sock_
with him, and enjoy the approaching festivities. Here a venerable
domestic, whose silver locks are the truest emblem of his trusty
services, arrives with the favorite pony to convey home the infant heir
and hope of some noble house.
Now is Garraway as lively as my lord mayor's steward at a Guildhall
feast-day; and the active note of preparation for the good things of
this world rings through the oaken chambers of the Christopher. Not even
the _sanctum sanctorum_ is forgotten, where, in times long past, I have
quaffed my jug of Bulstrode, "in cool grot," removed from the scorching
heat of a July day, and enjoyed many a good joke, secure from the prying
observations of the _domine_. One, and one only, class of persons wear
a sorrowful face upon these joyous occasions, and these are the
confectioners and fruitresses of Eton; with them, election Saturday
and busy Monday are like the herald to a Jewish black fast, or a stock
exchange holiday: they may as well _sport their oaks_ (to use an Oxford
phrase) till the
~54~~
return of the oppidans to school, for they seldom see the colour of a
customer's cash till the, to them, happy period arrives.
On the succeeding days the examinations of the collegers proceed
regularly; then follows the election of new candidates, and the severe
trial of those who stand for King's. These scholastic arrangements
generally conclude on the Wednesday night, or Thursday morning, and
then Pleasure mounts her variegated car, and drives wherever Fancy may
direct. Formerly I find seven or eight scholars went to King's;{*} but
in consequence of the fellows of Eton holding pluralities, the means are
impoverished, and the number consequently reduced to two or three:
this is the more to be regretted, on account of the very severe and
irrecoverable disappointment the scholars experience in losing
their election, merely on account of age; as at nineteen they are
superannuated, and cannot afterwards receive any essential benefit from
the college.
Not the blue waves of the Engia, covered with the gay feluccas of the
Greeks, and spreading their glittering streamers in the sun; nor the
more lovely
* This noble seminary of learning was founded by Hen. VI. in
1440. Its establishment was then on a limited scale; it has
long since been enlarged, and now consists of a provost,
vice-provost, six fellows, two schoolmasters, with their
assistants, seventy scholars, seven clerks, and ten
choristers, besides various inferior officers and servants.
The annual election of scholars to King's College,
Cambridge, takes place about the end of July, or the
beginning of August, when the twelve senior scholars are put
on the roll to succeed, but they are not removed till
vacancies occur; the average number of which is about nine
in two years. At nineteen years of age the scholars are
superannuated. Eton sends, also, two scholars to Merton
College, Oxford, where they are denominated post-masters,
and has likewise a few exhibitions of twenty-one guineas
each for its superannuated scholars. The scholars elected to
King's succeed to fellowships at three years' standing.
~55~~
Adriatic, swelling her translucent bosom to the gentle motion of the
gondolier, and bearing on her surface the splendid cars and magnificent
pageant of the Doge of Venice, marrying her waters to the sea, can to
an English bosom yield half the delight the grand aquatic Eton gala
affords; where, decked in every costume fancy can devise, may be seen
the noble youth of Britain, her rising statesmen, warriors, and judges,
the future guardians of her liberties, wealth, and commerce, all vying
with each other in loyal devotion to celebrate the sovereign's natal
day.{*} Then doth thy silvery bosom, father Thames, present a spectacle
truly delightful; a transparent mirror, studded with gems and stars and
splendid pageantry, reflecting a thousand brilliant variegated hues;
while, upon thy flowery margin, the loveliest daughters of the land
press the green velvet of luxuriant nature, outrivalling in charms of
colour, form, and beauty, the rose, the lily, and the graceful pine.
There too may be seen the accomplished and the gay youth labouring for
pleasure at the healthful oar, while with experienced skill the expert
helmsman directs through all thy fragrant windings the trim bark to
victory. The race determined, the bright star of eve, outrivalled by the
pyrotechnic _artiste_, hides his diminished head. Now sallies forth the
gay Oxonian from the Christopher, ripe with the rare Falernian of mine
host, to have his frolic gambol with old friends. Pale Luna, through her
misty veil, smiles at these harmless pleasantries, and lends the merry
group her aid to smuggle signs, alter names, and play off a thousand
fantastic vagaries; while the Eton Townsman, robed in
* The grand aquatic gala, which terminates the week's festi-
vities at Eton, and concludes the water excursions for the
season, was originally fixed in honour of his late majesty's
birthday, and would have been altered to the period of his
successor's, but the time would not accord, the twelfth day
of August being vacation.
~50~~
peaceful slumber, dreams not of the change his house has undergone,
and wakes to find a double transformation; his _Angel_ vanished, or
exchanged for the rude semblance of an Oxford _Bear_, with a cognomen
thereto appended, as foreign to his family nomenclature "as he to
Hercules." In the morning the dames are wailing the loss of their
polished knockers; and the barber-surgeon mourns the absence of his
obtrusive pole. The optician's glasses have been removed to the door of
some prying _domine_; and the large tin cocked hat has been seized by
some midnight giant, who has also claimed old Crispin's three-leagued
boot. The golden fish has leaped into the Thames. The landlord of the
Lamb bleats loudly for his fleece. The grocer cares not a fig for the
loss of his sugar-loaves, but laughs, and takes it as a currant joke.
Old Duplicate is resolved to have his balls restored with interest; and
the lady mother of the black doll is quite pale in the face with sorrow
for the loss of her child. Mine host of the vine looks as sour as his
own grapes, before they were fresh gilded; and spruce master Pigtail,
the tobacconist, complains that his large roll of real Virginia has been
chopped into short cut. But these are by far the least tormenting jokes.
That good-humoured Cad, Jem Miller, finds the honorary distinction of
private tutor added to his name. Dame ----s, an irreproachable spinster
of forty, discovers that of Mr. Probe, man-midwife, appended to her
own. Mr. Primefit, the Eton Stultz, is changed into Botch, the cobbler.
Diodorus Drowsy, D.D., of Windsor, is re-christened Diggory Drenchall,
common brewer; and the amiable Mrs. Margaret Sweet, the Eton pastry-cook
and confectioner, finds her name united in bands of brass with Mr.
Benjamin Bittertart, the baker. The celebrated Christopher Caustic,
Esq., surgeon, has the mortification to find his Esculapian dormitory
decorated with the sign-board of Mr. Slaughtercalf, a German butcher;
while his handsome brass pestle
~57~~
and mortar, with the gilt Galen's head annexed, have been waggishly
transferred to the house of some Eton Dickey Gossip, barber and dentist.
Mr. Index, the bookseller, changes names with old Frank Finis, the
sexton. The elegant door plate of Miss Caroline Cypher, spinster, is
placed on the right side of Nicodemus
Number, B.A., and fellow of Eton, with this note annexed: "New rule of
Addition, according to Cocker." Old Amen, the parish clerk, is united to
Miss Bridget Silence, the pew opener; and Theophilus White, M.D. changes
place with Mr. Sable, the undertaker. But we shall become too grave if
we proceed deeper with this subject. There is no end to the whimsical
alterations and ludicrous changes that take place upon these occasions,
when scarce a sign or door plate in Eton escapes some pantomimic
transformation.*
* Representations to the masters or authorities are scarcely
ever necessary to redress these whimsical grievances, as the
injured parties are always remunerated. The next day the
spoils and trophies are arranged in due form in a certain
snug sanctum sanctorum, the cellar of a favorite inn, well
known by the name of the _Oppidan's_ Museum; for a view of
which see the sketch made on the spot by my friend Bob
Transit. Here the merry wags are to be found in council,
holding a court of claims, to which all the tradesmen who
have suffered any loss are successively summoned; and after
pointing out from among the motley collection the article
they claim, and the price it originally cost, they are
handsomely remunerated, or the sign replaced. The good
people of Eton generally choose the former, as it not only
enable them to sport a new sign, but to put a little profit
upon the cost price of the old one. The trophies thus
acquired are then packed up in hampers, and despatched to
Oxford, where they are on similar occasions not unfrequently
displayed, or hung up, in lieu of some well-known sign, such
as the Mitre, &c. which has been removed during the night.
~58~~
[Illustration: page058]
The following jeu-d'esprits issued upon the interference of the
authorities at the conclusion of the last Election. The "dance of thirty
sovereigns" is an allusion to the fine imposed, which was given to the
poor.
A Ladder Dance.
A moving golden Fish.
The Fall of Grapes, during a heavy storm.
The Cock'd Hat Combat.
A March to the Workhouse.
Bird-cage Duett, by Messrs. C***** and B****.
A public Breakfast, with a dance by thirty sovereigns.
Glee--"When shall we three meet again."
The Barber's Hornpipe, by the learned D****.
The Turk's Head Revel.
Saint Christopher's March.
The Committee in Danger.
The Cloisters, Eton
[Illustration: page059]
~59~~
HERBERT STOCKHORE, THE MONTEM POET LAUREATE.
A SKETCH FROM THE LIFE,
As he appeared in the Montent Procession of May, 1823.
BY BERNARD BLACKMANTLE, AND ROBERT TRANSIT
Bending beneath a weight of time,
And crippled as his Montem ode,
We found the humble son of rhyme
Busy beside the public road.
Nor laurel'd wreath or harp had he,
To deck his brow or touch the note
That wakes the soul to sympathy.
His face was piteous as his coat,
'Twas motley strange; e'en nature's self,
In wild, eccentric, playful mood,
Had, for her pastime, form'd the elf,
A being scarcely understood--
Half idiot, harmless; yet a gleam
Of sense, and whim, and shrewdness, broke
The current of his wildest stream;
And pity sigh'd as madness spoke.
~60~~
Lavater, Lawrence, Camper, here
Philosophy new light had caught:
Judged by your doctrines 'twould appear
The facial line denoted thought.{1}
But say, what system e'er shall trace
By scalp or visage mental worth?
The ideot's form, the maniac's face,
Are shared alike by all on earth.
"Comparative Anatomy--"
If, Stockhore, 'twas to thee apply'd,
'Twould set the doubting Gallist free,
And Spurzheim's idle tales deride.
But hence with visionary scheme,
Though Bell, or Abernethy, write;
Be Herbert Stockhore all my theme,
The laureate's praises I indite;
He erst who sung in Montem's praise,
And, Thespis like, from out his cart
Recited his extempore lays,
On Eton's sons, in costume smart,
Who told of captains bold and grand,
Lieutenants, marshals, seeking _salt_;
Of colonels, majors, cap in hand,
Who bade e'en majesty to halt;
1 It is hardly possible to conceive a more intelligent,
venerable looking head, than poor Herbert Stockhore
presents; a fine capacious forehead, rising like a
promontory of knowledge, from a bold outline of countenance,
every feature decisive, breathing serenity and
thoughtfulness, with here and there a few straggling locks
of silvery gray, which, like the time-discoloured moss upon
some ancient battlements, are the true emblems of antiquity:
the eye alone is generally dull and sunken in the visage,
but during his temporary gleams of sanity, or fancied
flights of poetical inspiration, it is unusually bright and
animated. According to professor Camper, I should think the
facial line would make an angle of eighty or ninety degrees;
and, judging upon the principles laid down by Lavater, poor
Herbert might pass for a Solon. Of his bumps, or
phrenological protuberances, I did not take particular
notice, but I have no doubt they would be found, upon
examination, equally illustrative of such visionary systems.
~61~~
Told how the ensign nobly waved
The colours on the famous hill;
And names from dull oblivion saved,
Who ne'er the niche of fame can fill:
Who, like to Campbell, lends his name.{2}
To many a whim he ne'er did write;
When witty scholars, to their shame,
'Gainst masters hurl a satire trite.{3}
But fare thee well, Ad Montem's bard,{4}
Farewell, my mem'ry's early friend
2 The author of "the Pleasures of Hope," and the editor of
the New Monthly; but-"_Tarde, quo credita lodunt,
credimus_."
3 It has long been the custom at Eton, particularly during
Montem, to give Herbert Stockhore the credit of many a
satirical whim, which he, poor fellow, could as easily have
penned as to have written a Greek ode. These squibs are
sometimes very humorous, and are purposely written in
doggrel verse to escape detection by the masters, who are
not unfrequently the principal porsons alluded to.
4 The following laughable production was sold by poor
Herbert Stockhore during the last Montem: we hardly think we
need apologise for introducing this specimen of his muse:
any account of Eton characteristics must have been held
deficient without it.
THE MONTEM ODE. May 20, 1823.
Muses attend! the British channel flock o'er,
Call'd by your most obedient servant, Stockhore.
Aid me, O, aid me, while I touch the string;
Montem and Captain Barnard's praise I sing;
Captain Barnard, the youth so noble and bright,
That none dare dispute his worthy right
To that gay laurel which his brother wore,
In times that 1 remember long before.
What are Olympic honours compared to thine,
0 Captain, when Majesty does combine
With heroes, their wives, sons and daughters great,
To visit this extremely splendid fete.
Enough! I feel a sudden inspiration fill
My bowels; just as if the tolling bell
Had sent forth sounds a floating all along the air
Just such Parnassian sounds, though deaf, I'm sure I hear.
~62~~
May misery never press thee hard,
Ne'er may disease thy steps attend:
Listen, ye gents; rude Boreas hold your tongue!
The pomp advances, and my lyre is strung.
First comes Marshal Thackeray,
Dress'd out in crack array;
Ar'nt he a whacker, eh?
His way he picks,
Follow'd by six,
Like a hen by her chicks:
Enough! he's gone.
As this martial Marshall
Is to music partial,
The bandsmen march all
His heels upon.
He who hits the balls such thumps,
King of cricket-bats and stumps,--
Barnard comes;
Sound the drums--
Silence! he's past.
Eight fair pages,
Of different ages,
Follow fast.
Next comes the Serjeant-Major,
Who, like an old stager,
Without need of bridle
Walks steadily; the same
Dolphin Major by name,
Major Dolphin by title.
Next struts Serjeant Brown,
Very gay you must own;
With gallant Mr. Hughes,
In well-polish'd shoes;
Then Sampson, who tramps on,
Strong as his namesake.
Then comes Webb, who don't dread
To die for his fame's sake.
Next shall I sing
Of Serjeant King,
And Horace Walpole,
Holding a tall pole,
Who follows King and Antrobus,
Though he's "pulchrior ambobus."
~63~~
Be all thy wants by those supply'd,
Whom charity ne'er fail'd to move{5}:
5 This eccentric creature has for many years subsisted
entirely upon the bounty of the Etonians, and the
inhabitants of Windsor and Eton, who never fail to
administer to his wants, and liberally supply him with many
little comforts in return for his harmless pleasantries.
Then to Salthill speed on,
While the troops they lead on;
Both Mr. Beadon,
And Serjeant Mitford,
Who's ready to fi't for't.
Then Mr. Carter follows a'ter;
And Denman,
Worth ten men,
Like a Knight of the Garter;
And Cumberbatch,
Without a match,
Tell me, who can be smarter?
Then Colonel Hand,
Monstrous grand,
Closes the band.
Pass on, you nameless crowd,
Pass on. The Ensign proud
Comes near. Let all that can see
Behold the Ensign Dansey;
See with what elegance he
Waves the flag--to please the fancy.
Pass on, gay crowd; Le Mann, the big,
Bright with gold as a guinea-pig,
The big, the stout, the fierce Le Mann,
Walks like a valiant gentleman.
But take care of your pockets,
Here's Salt-bearer Platt,
With a bag in his hand,
And a plume in his hat;
A handsomer youth, sure small-clothes ne'er put on,
Though very near rival'd by elegant Sutton.
Thus then has pass'd this grand procession,
In most magnificent progression.
Farewell you gay and happy throng!
~64~~
Etona's motto, crest, and pride,
Is feeling, courage, friendship, love.
Farewell my Muse! farewell my song'
Farewell Salthill! farewell brave Captain;
As ever uniform was clapt in;
Since Fortune's kind, pray do not mock her;
Your humble poet,
HERBERT STOCKHORE.
Herbert Stockhore was originally a bricklayer, and now resides at a
little house which he has built for himself, and called Mount Pleasant,
in a lane leading from Windsor to the Meadows. He has a wife and
daughter, honest, industrious people, who reside with him, and are by no
means displeased at the visit of a stranger to their eccentric relative.
Some idea of the old man's amusing qualifications may be conceived from
the following description, to which I have added the account he gives
of his heraldic bearings. It must be recollected that the Etonians
encourage these whims in the poor old man, and never lose an opportunity
of impressing Stockhore with a belief in the magnificent powers of
his genius.--After we had heard him recite several of his unconnected
extempore rhapsodies, we were to be indulged with the Montem ode; this
the old man insisted should be spoken in his gala dress; nor could all
the entreaties of his wife and daughter, joined to those of myself and
friend (fearful of appearing obtrusive), dissuade old Herbert from his
design. He appeared quite frantic with joy when the dame brought forth
from an upper apartment these insignia of his laureateship; the careful
manner in which they were folded up and kept clean gave us to understand
that the good woman herself set some store by them. The wife and
daughter now proceeded to robe the laureate bard: the first garment
which was placed over his shoulders, and came below his waist, was a
species of tunic made out of patches of bed-furniture, trimmed in the
most fantastic manner with fragments of worsted fringe of all colors.
Over this he wore an old military jacket, of a very ancient date in
respect to costume, and trimmed like the robe with fringe of every
variety. A pair of loose trowsers of the same materials as the tunic
were also displayed; but the fashion of the poet's head-dress exceeded
all the rest for whimsicality: round an old soldier's cap a sheet of
pasteboard was bent to a spiral form, rising about fourteen inches, and
covered with some pieces of chintz bed-furniture of a very rich pattern;
in five separate circles, was disposed as many different colors of
fringes; some worsted twisted, to resemble feathers, was suspended from
the side; and the whole had the most grotesque appearance, more nearly
resembling the papal crown in similitude than any thing else I can
conceive.
~65~~
Poor harmless soul, thy merry stave
Shall live when nobler poets bend;
The poor old fellow seemed elated to a degree. We had sent for a little
ale for him, but were informed he was not accustomed to drink much of
any strong liquor. After a glass, Herbert recited with great gesture and
action, but in a very imperfect manner, the Montem ode; and then for
a few minutes seemed quite exhausted. During this exhibition my friend
Transit was engaged in sketching his portrait, a circumstance that
appeared to give great pleasure to the wife and daughter, who earnestly
requested, if it was published, to be favored with a copy. We had now
become quite familiar with the old man, and went with him to view his
Montem car and Arabian pony, as he called them, in a stable adjoining
the house. On our return, my friend Transit observed that his cart
required painting, and should be decorated with some appropriate emblem.
Herbert appeared to understand the idea, and immediately proceeded to
give us a history of his heraldic bearings, or, as he said, what his
coat of arms should be, which, he assured us, the gentlemen of Eton
had subscribed for, and were having prepared at the Heralds' College in
London, on purpose for him to display next Montem. "My grand-father,"
said Stockhore, "was a hatter, therefore I am entitled to the beaver in
the first quarter of my shield. My grandfather by my mother's side was
a farmer, therefore I should have the wheat-sheaf on the other part.
My own father was a pipe-maker, and that gives me a noble ornament, the
cross pipes and glasses, the emblems of good fellowship. Now my wife's
father was a tailor, and that yields me a goose: those are the bearings
of the four quarters of my shield. Now, sir, I am a poet--ay, the poet
laureate of Montem; and that gives me a right to the winged horse for
my crest. There's a coat of arms for you," said poor Herbert; "why, it
would beat every thing but the king's; ay, and his too, if it wasn't for
the lion and crown." The attention we paid to this whim pleased the poor
creature mightily; he was all animation and delight. But the day was
fast declining: so, after making the poor people a trifling present for
the trouble we had given them, my friend Transit and myself took our
farewell of poor Herbert, not, I confess, without regret; for I think
the reader will perceive by this brief sketch thero is great character
and amusement in his harmless whims. I have been thus particular in my
description of him, because he is always at Montem time an object of
much curiosity; and to every Etonian of the last thirty years, his
peculiarities must have frequently afforded amusement.
~66~~
And when Atropos to the grave
Thy silvery locks of gray shall send,
Etona's sons shall sing thy fame,
_Ad Montem_ still thy verse resound,
Still live an ever cherish'd name,
As long as _salt_{2} and sock abound.
2 Salt is the name given to the money collected at Montem.
[Illustration: page066]
THE DOUBTFUL POINT.
"Why should I not read it," thought Horatio, hesitating, with the MSS.
of Life in Eton half opened in his hand. A little Chesterfield deity,
called Prudence, whispered--"Caution." "Well, Miss Hypocrisy," quoth
the Student, "what serious offence shall I commit against propriety
or morality by reading a whimsical jeu-d'esprit, penned to explain the
peculiar lingual localisms of Eton, and display her chief characteristic
follies." "It is slang," said Prudence. "Granted," said Horatio: "but he
who undertakes to depict real life must not expect to make a pleasing or
a correct picture, without the due proportions of light and shade. 'Vice
to be hated needs but to be seen.' Playful satire may do more towards
correcting the evil than all the dull lessons of sober-tongued morality
can ever hope to effect." Candour, who just then happened to make a
passing call, was appointed referee; and, without hesitation, agreed
decidedly with Horatio.{1}
1 Life at Eton will not, I hope, be construed into any
intention of the author's to follow in the track of any
previous publication: his object is faithfully to delineate
character, not to encourage vulgar phraseology, or
promulgate immoral sentiment.
~67~~
LIFE IN ETON;
A COLLEGE CHAUNT IN PRAISE OF PRIVATE
TUTORS.{1}
Time hallowed shades, and noble names,
Etonian classic bowers;
Pros,{2} masters, fellows, and good dames,{3}
Where pass'd my school-boy hours;
1 Private tutor, in the Eton school phrase, is another term
for a _Cad_, a fellow who lurks about college, and assists
in all _sprees_ and sports by providing dogs, fishing
tackle, guns, horses, bulls for baiting, a badger, or in
promoting any other interdicted, or un-lawful pastime. A
dozen or more of these well known characters may be seen
loitering in front of the college every morning, making
their arrangement with their pupils, the _Oppidans_, for a
day's sport, to commence the moment school is over. They
formerly used to occupy a seat on the low wall, in front of
the college, but the present headmaster has recently
interfered to expel this assemblage; they still, however,
carry on their destructive intercourse with youth, by
walking about, and watching their opportunity for
communication. The merits of these worthies are here
faithfully related, and will be instantly recognised by any
Etonian of the last thirty years.
2 _PROS_. Eton college is governed by a provost, vice-
provost, six fellows, a steward of the courts, head-master,
and a lower, or second master; to which is added, nine
assistant masters, and five extra ones, appointed to teach
French, writing, drawing, fencing, and dancing. The school
has materially increased in numbers within the last few
years, and now contains nearly five hundred scholars, sons
of noblemen and gentlemen, and may be truly said to be the
chief nursery for the culture of the flower of the British
nation.--See note to page 54.
3 _DAMES_. The appellation given to the females who keep
boarding-houses in Eton. These houses, although out of the
college walls, are subject to the surveillance of the head
master and fellows, to whom all references and complaints
are made.
~69~~
Come list', while I with con,{4} and sock{5}
And chaunt,{6} both ripe and mellow,
Tell how you knowledge stores unlock,
To make a clever fellow.{7}
For Greek and Latin, classic stuff,
Let tug muttons{8}compose it;
Give oppidans{9} but blunt{10 }enough,
What odds to them who knows it.
A dapper dog,{11} a right coolfish,{12}
Who snugly dines on pewter;
Quaffs Bulstrode ale,{13} and takes his dish.
4 CON. A con is a companion, or friend; as, "you are
cons of late."
5 SOCK signifies eating or drinking niceties; as, pastry,
jellies, Bishop, &c.
6 CHAUNT, a good song; to versify.
7 This is not intended as an imputation on the learned
fellows of Eton college, but must be taken in the vulgar
acceptation--you're a clever fellow, &c.
8 TUG MUTTONS, or Tugs, collegers, foundation scholars; an
appellation given to them by the oppidans, in derision of
the custom which has prevailed from the earliest period, and
is still continued, of living entirely on roast mutton; from
January to December no other description of meat is ever
served up at College table in the hall. There are seventy of
these young gentlemen on the foundation who, if they miss
their election when they are nineteen, lose all the benefits
of a fellowship.
9 OPPIDANS, independent scholars not on the foundation.
10 BLUNT, London slang (for money), in use here.
11 A DAPPER DOC, any thing smart, or pleasing, as, "Ay,
that's dapper," or, "you are a dapper dog."
12 A RIGHT COOL FISH, one who is not particular what he says
or does.
13 BULSTRODE ALE, a beverage in great request at the
Christopher. When the effects were sold at Bulstrode,
Garraway purchased a small stock of this famous old ale,
which by some miraculous process he has continued to serve
out in plentiful quantities ever since. The joke has of late
been rather against mine host of the Christopher, who,
however, to do him justice, has an excellent tap, which is
now called the queen's, from some since purchased at
Windsor: this is sold in small quarts, at one shilling per
jug.
~70~~
In private with his tutor.{14}
In lieu of ancient learned lore,
Which might his brain bewilder,
Rum college slang he patters o'er,
With cads{15 }who chouse{16} the guilder.
Who's truly learn'd must read mankind,
Truth's axiom inculcates:
The world's a volume to the mind,
Instructive more than pulpits.{17}
Come fill the bowl with _Bishop_ up,
_Clods,{18} Fags,{19} and Skugs{20} and Muttons{21}_;
When _absence_{22} calls ye into sup,
Drink, drink to me, ye gluttons.
I'll teach ye how to kill dull care,
Improve your box of knowledge,{23}
14 Many of the young noblemen and gentlemen at Eton are
accompanied by private tutors, who live with them to
expedite their studies; they are generally of the College,
and recommended by the head master for their superior
endowments.
15 CAD, a man of all work, for dirty purposes, yclept
private tutor. See note 1, page 68.
16 CHOUSE the GUILDER. Chouse or chousing is generally
applied to any transaction in which they think they may have
been cheated or overcharged.
Guilder is a cant term for gold.
17 Nothing in the slightest degree unorthodox is meant to
be inferred from this reasoning, but simply the sentiment
of this quotation-'The proper study of mankind is man.'
18 CLODS, as, "you clod," a town boy, or any one not an
Etonian, no matter how respectable.
19 FAGS, boys in the lower classes. Every fifth form boy has
his fag.
20 SCUG or SKUG, a lower boy in the school, relating to
sluggish. 21 MUTTONS. See note 8.
22 ABSENCE. At three-quarters past eight in summer, and
earlier in winter, several of the masters proceed to the
different dames' houses, and call absence, when every boy is
compelled to be instantly in quarters for the night, on pain
of the most severe punishment.
23 BOX of KNOWLEDGE, the pericranium.
With all that's witty, choice, and rare,
'Fore all the _Slugs_{24} of college.
Of private tutors, vulgo Cads,
A list I mean to tender;
The qualities of all the lads,
Their prices to a _bender_.{25}
First, Shampo Carter{26} doffs his _tile_,
To dive, to fish, or fire;
There's few can better time beguile,
And none in sporting higher.
24 SLUGS of College, an offensive appellation applied to the
fellows of Eton by the townsmen.
25 BENDER, a sixpence.
26 Note from Bernard Blackmantle, M.A. to Shampo Carter and
Co. P.T.'s:--
MESSIEURS THE CADS OF ETON, In handing down to posterity
your multifarious merits and brilliant qualifications, you
will perceive I have not forgotten the signal services and
delightful gratifications so often afforded me in the days
of my youth. Be assured, most assiduous worthies, that I am
fully sensible of all your merits, and can appreciate justly
your great usefulness to the rising generation. You are the
sappers and miners of knowledge, who attack and destroy the
citadel of sense before it is scarcely defensible. It is no
fault of yours if the stripling of Eton is not, at eighteen,
well initiated into all the mysteries of life, excepting
only the, to him, mysterious volumes of the classics. To do
justice to all was not within the limits of my work; I have
therefore selected from among you the most distinguished
names, and I flatter myself, in so doing, I have omitted
very few of any note; if, however, any efficient member of
your brotherhood should have been unintentionally passed by,
he has only to forward an authenticated copy of his
biography and peculiar merits to the publisher, to meet with
insertion in a second edition.
Bernard Blackmantle.
Bill Carter is, after all, a very useful fellow, if it was
only in teaching the young Etonians to swim, which he does,
by permission of the head master.
Tile, a hat.
~72~~
Joe Cannon, or my lord's a gun,{27}
A regular nine pounder;
To man a boat, stands number one,
And ne'er was known to flounder.
There's Foxey Hall{28} can throw the line
With any Walton angler;
To tell his worth would task the Nine,
Or pose a Cambridge wrangler.
Next, Pickey Powell{29} at a ball
Is master of the wicket;
Can well deliver at a call
A trite essay on cricket.
Jem Flowers {30} baits a badger well,
For a bull _hank, or tyke_, sir;
And as an out and out bred _swell_,{31}
Was never seen his like.
27 A GUN--"He's a great gun," a good fellow, a knowing one.
Joe is a first rate waterman, and by the Etonians styled
"Admiral of the fleet."
28 "Not a better fellow than Jack Hall among the Cads," said
an old Etonian, "or a more expert angler." Barb, Gudgeon,
Dace, and Chub, seem to bite at his bidding; and if they
should be a little shy, why Jack knows how to "go to work
with the net."
29 Who, that has been at Eton, and enjoyed the manly and
invigorating exercise of cricket, has not repeatedly heard
Jem Powell in tones of exultation say, "Only see me '_liver
thin here_ ball, my young master?" And, in good truth, Jem
is right, for very few can excel him in that particular: and
then (when Jem is _Bacchi plenis_,) who can withstand his
_quart of sovereigns_. On such occasions Jem is seen
marching up and down before the door of his house, with a
silver quart tankard filled with gold--the savings of many
years of industry.
30 Jem Flowers is an old soldier; and, in marshalling the
forces for a bull or a badger-bait, displays all the tactics
of an experienced general officer. Caleb Baldwin would no
more bear comparison with Jem than a flea does to an
elephant.
31 When it is remembered how near Eton is to London, and how
frequent the communication, it will appear astonishing, but
highly creditable to the authorities, that so little of the
current slang of the day is to be met with here.
~73~~
There's Jolly Jem,{32} who keeps his punt,
And dogs to raise the siller;
Of _cads_, the captain of the hunt,
A right and tight good miller.
Next Barney Groves,{33} a learned wight,
The impounder of cattle,
Dilates on birth and common right,
And threats _black slugs_ with battle.
Big George {34} can teach the use of fives,
Or pick up a prime terrier;
Or _spar_, or keep the game alive,
With beagle, bull, or harrier.
Savager{35} keeps a decent nag,
32 Jem Miller was originally a tailor; but having dropt a
stitch or two in early life, _listed_ into a sporting
regiment of Cads some years since; and being a better shot
at hares and partridges than he was considered at the _heavy
goose_, has been promoted to the rank of captain of the
private tutors. Jem is a true jolly fellow; his house
exhibits a fine picture of what a sportsman's hall should
be, decorated with all the emblems of fishing, fowling, and
hunting, disposed around in great taste.
33 Barney Groves, the haughward, or impounder of stray
cattle at Eton, is one of the most singular characters I
have ever met with. Among the ignorant Barney is looked up
to as the fountain of local and legal information; and it is
highly ludicrous to hear him expatiate on his favourite
theme of "our birthrights and common rights;" tracing the
first from the creation, and deducing argument in favor of
his opinions on the second from doomsday book, through all
the intricate windings of the modern inclosure acts. Barney
is a great stickler for reform in College, and does not
hesitate to attack the fellows of Eton (whom he denominates
black slugs), on holding pluralities, and keeping the good
things to themselves. As Barney's avocation compels him to
travel wide, he is never interrupted by water; for in summer
or winter he readily wades through the deepest places; he is
consequently a very efficient person in a sporting party.
34 George Williams, a well-known dog fancier, who also
teaches the art and science of pugilism.
35 Savager, a livery-stable keeper, who formerly used to
keep a good tandem or two for hire, but on the interference
of the head master, who interdicted such amusements as
dangerous, they have been put down in Eton.
~74~~
But's very shy of lending,
Since she put down her tandem _drag_,{36}
For fear of Keates offending.
But if you want to splash along
In glory with a _ginger_,{37}
Or in a Stanhope come it strong,
Try Isaac Clegg,{38} of Windsor.
If o'er old father Thames you'd glide,
And cut the silvery stream;
With Hester's{39} eight oars mock the tide,
He well deserves a _theme_.
There's Charley Miller, and George Hall,{40}
Can beasts and birds restore, sir;
And though they cannot bark or squall,
Look livelier than before, sir.
Handy Jack's {41} a general blade,
There's none like Garraway, sir;
Boats, ducks, or dogs, are all his trade,
He'll fit you to a say, sir.
36 DR A G, London slang for tilbury, dennet, Stanhope, &c.
37 A GINGER, a showy, fast horse.
38 Isaac Clegg is in great repute for his excellent turn
outs, and prime nags; and, living in Windsor, he is out of
the jurisdiction of the head master.
39 Hester's boats are always kept in excellent trim. At
Eton exercise on the water is much practised, and many of
the scholars are very expert watermen: they have recently
taken to boats of an amazing length, forty feet and upwards,
which, manned with eight oars, move with great celerity.
Every Saturday evening the scholars are permitted to assume
fancy dresses; but the practice is now principally confined
to the steersman; the rest simply adopting sailors' costume,
except on the fourth of June, or election Saturday, when
there is always a grand gala, a band of music, and
fireworks, on the island in the Thames.
40 Miller and Hall, two famous preservers of birds and
animals; an art in high repute among the Etonians.
41 A famous boatman, duck-hunter, dog-fighter; or,
according to the London phrase--good at everything.
~75~~
Tom New {42} in manly sports is old,
A tailor, and a trump, sir;
And _odd Fish Bill_,{43} at sight of gold,
Will steer clear of the bump,"{44} sir.
A list of _worthies_, learn'd and great
In every art and science,
That noble youths should emulate,
To set laws at defiance:
The church, the senate, and the bar,
By these in ethics grounded,
Must prove a meteoric star,
Of brilliancy compounded.
Ye lights of Eton, rising suns,
Of all that's great and godly;
The nation's hope, and dread of _duns_,
Let all your acts be _motley_.
Learn arts like these, ye oppidan,
If you'd astonish greatly
The senate, or the great divan,
With classics pure, and stately.
Give Greek and Latin to the wind,
Bid pedagogues defiance:
These are the rules to grace the mind
With the true gems of science.
42 Tom New, a great cricketer.
43 Bill Fish, a waterman who attends the youngest boys in
their excursions.
44 The BUMP, to run against each other in the race.
~76~~
APOLLO'S VISIT TO ETON.
~76~~ This whimsical production appeared originally in 1819, in an
Eton miscellany entitled the College Magazine; the poetry of which was
afterwards selected, and only fifty copies struck off: these have been
carefully suppressed, principally we believe on account of this article,
as it contains nothing that we conceive can be deemed offensive, and
has allusions to almost all the distinguished scholars of that period,
besides including the principal contributors to the Etonian, a recent
popular work: we have with some difficulty filled up the blanks with
real names; and, at the suggestion of several old Etonians, incorporated
it with the present work, as a fair criterion of the promising character
of the school at this particular period.
The practice of thus distinguishing the rising talents of Eton is
somewhat ancient. We have before us a copy of verses dated 1620, in
which Waller, the poet, and other celebrated characters of his time, are
particularised. At a still more recent period, during the mastership
of the celebrated Doctor Barnard, the present earl of Carlisle, whose
classical taste is universally admitted, distinguished himself not less
than his compeers, by some very elegant lines: those on the late Right
Hon. C. J. Fox we are induced to extract as a strong proof of the noble
earl's early penetration and foresight.
"How will my Fox, alone, by strength of parts.
Shake the loud senate, animate the hearts
Of fearful statesmen? while around you stand
Both Peers and Commons listening your command.
~77~~
While _Tully's_ sense its weight to you affords,
His nervous sweetness shall adorn your words.
What praise to Pitt,{1} to Townshend, e'er was due,
In future times, my Pox, shall wait on you."
At a subsequent period, the leading characters of the school were
spiritedly drawn in a periodical newspaper, called the World, then
edited by Major Topham, and the Rev. Mr. East, who is still, I believe,
living, and preaches occasionally at Whitehall. From that publication,
now very scarce, I have selected the following as the most amusing, and
relating to distinguished persons.
1 The great Earl of Chatham.
RECOLLECTIONS OF AN OLD ETONIAN.
The Lords Littleton--father and son, formed two opposite characters in
their times. The former had a distinguished turn for pastoral poetry,
and wrote some things at Eton with all the enthusiasm of early years,
and yet with all the judgment of advanced life. The latter showed there,
in some traits of disposition, what was to be expected from him; but he
too loved the Muses, and cultivated them.
He there too displayed the strange contraries of being an ardent admirer
of the virtues of classic times, while he was cheating at chuck and
all-fours; and though he affected every species of irreligion, was, in
fact, afraid of his own shadow.
The whole North Family have, in succession, adorned this school with
their talents--which in the different branches were various, but all
of mark and vivacity. To the younger part, Dampier was the tutor; who,
having a little disagreement with Frank North on the hundred steps
coming down from the terrace, at Windsor, they adjusted it, by Frank
North's rolling his tutor very quickly down the whole of them. The tutor
has since risen to some eminence in the church.
Lord Cholmondeley was early in life a boy of great parts, and they have
continued so ever since, though not lively ones. Earl of Buckingham
was a plain good scholar, but ~79~~ would have been better at any
other school, for he was no poet, and verse is here one of the first
requisites; besides, he had an impediment in his speech, which, in
the hurry of repeating a lesson before a number of boys, was always
increased. It was inculcated to him by his dame--that he must look upon
himself as the reverse of a woman in every thing, and not hold--that
whoever "_deliberates is lost_."
Lord Harrington was a boy of much natural spirit. In the great
rebellion, under _Forster_, when all the boys threw their books into the
Thames, and marched to Salt Hill, he was amongst the foremost. At that
place each took an oath, or rather swore, he would be d------d if ever
he returned to school again.
When, therefore, he came to London to the old Lord Harrington's, and
sent up his name, his father would only speak to him at the door,
insisting, at the same time, on his immediate return. "Sir," said the
son, "consider I shall be d--d if I do!" "And I" answered the father,
"will be d--d if you don't!"
"Yes, my lord," replied the son, "but you will be d--d together I do or
no!"
The Storers. Anthony and Tom, for West Indians, were better scholars
than usually fell to the share of those _children of the sun_, who were,
in general, too gay to be great. The name of the elder stands to this
day at the head of many good exercises; from which succeeding genius has
stolen, and been praised for it.
Tom had an odd capability of running round a room on the edge of the
wainscot, a strange power of holding by the foot: an art which, in lower
life, might have been serviceable to him in the showing it. And Anthony,
likewise, amongst better and more brilliant qualifications, had the
reputation of being amongst the best dancers of the age. In a political
line, perhaps, he did not _dance attendance_ to much purpose.
Harry Conway, brother to the present Marquis of ~80~~ Hertford,
though younger in point of learning, was older than his brother, Lord
Beauchamp; but he was not so forward as to show this preeminence: a
somewhat of modesty, a consciousness of being younger, always kept him
back from displaying it. In fact, they were perfectly unlike two Irish
boys--the Wades, who followed them, and who, because the younger was
taller, used to fight about which was the eldest.
Pepys. A name well known for Barnard's commendation of it, and for his
exercises in the _Musae Etonenses_. He was amongst the best poets that
Eton ever produced.
Kirkshaw, son to the late doctor, of Leeds, and since fellow of Trinity
College. When his father would have taken him away, he made a singular
request that he might stay a year longer, not wishing to be made a man
so early.
Many satiric Latin poems bear his name at Eton, and he continued that
turn afterwards at Cambridge. He was remarkable for a very large head;
but it should likewise be added, there was a good deal in it.
On this head, his father used to hold forth in the country. He was,
without a figure, the head of the school, and was afterwards in the
caput at the university.
Wyndham, under Barnard, distinguished himself very early as a scholar,
and for a logical acuteness, which does not often fall to the share of
a boy. He was distinguished too both by land and by water; for while
he was amongst the most informed of his time, in school hours, in the
playing fields, on the water, with the celebrated boatman, my guinea
piper at cricket, or in rowing, he was always the foremost. He used
to boast, that he should in time be as good a boxer as his father was,
though he used to add, that never could be exactly known, as he could
not decently have a _set-to_ with him.
~81~~ Fawkener, the major, was captain of the school; and in those days
was famed for the "_suaviter in modo_," and for a turn for gallantry
with the Windsor milliners, which he pursued up the hundred steps, and
over the terrace there. As this turn frequently made him overrun the
hours of absence, on his return he was found out, and flogged the next
morning; but this abated not his zeal in the cause of gallantry, as he
held it to be, like _Ovid_, whom he was always reading, suffering in a
fair cause.
Fawkener, Everard, minor, with the same turn for pleasure as his
brother, but more open and ingenuous in his manner, more unreserved in
his behaviour, then manifested, what he has since been, the bon vivant
of every society, and was then as since, the admired companion in every
party.
Prideaux was remarkable for being the gravest boy of his time, and for
having the longest chin. Had he followed the ancient "_Sapientem pascere
Barbam_," there would in fact have been no end of it. With this turn,
however, his time was not quite thrown away, nor his gravity. In
conjunction with Dampier, Langley, and Serjeant, who were styled the
learned Cons, he composed a very long English poem, in the same metre as
the Bath Guide, and of which it was then held a favour to get a copy. He
had so much of advanced life about him, that the masters always looked
upon him as a man; and this serious manner followed him through his
pastimes. He was fond of billiards; but he was so long in making
his stroke, that no boy could bear to play with him: when the game,
therefore, went against him, like Fabius-_Cunctando restituit rem_; and
they gave it up rather than beat him.
Hulse. Amongst the best tennis-players that Eton ever sent up to
Windsor, where he always was. As a poet he distinguished himself
greatly, by winning one of the medals given by Sir John Dalrymple. His
~82~~ exercise on this occasion was the subject of much praise to Doctor
Forster, then master, and of much envy to his contemporaries in the
sixth form, who said it was given to him because he was head boy.
These were his arts; besides which he had as many tricks as any boy ever
had. He had nothing when praepositer, and of course ruling under boys, of
dignity about him, or of what might enforce his authority. When he ought
to have been angry, some monkey trick always came across him, and he
would make a serious complaint against a little boy, in a hop, step, and
a jump.
Montague. Having a great predecessor before him under the appellation of
"_Mad Montague_" had always a consolatory comparison in this way in his
favor. In truth, at times he wanted it, for he was what has been termed
a genius: but he was likewise so in talent. He was an admirable poet,
and had a neatness of expression seldom discoverable at such early
years. In proof, may be brought a line from a Latin poem on Cricket:
"_Clavigeri fallit verbera--virga cadit_."
And another on scraping a man down at the _Robin Hood_:
"_Radit arenosam pes inimicus humum_."
The scratching of the foot on the sandy floor is admirable.
During a vacation, Lord Sandwich took him to Holland; and he sported on
his return a Dutch-built coat for many weeks. The boys used to call him
_Mynheer Montague_; but his common habit of oddity soon got the better
of his coat.
He rose to be a young man of great promise, as to abilities; and died
too immaturely for his fame.
Tickell, the elder. _Manu magis quam capite_ should have been his motto.
By natural instinct he loved ~83~~ fighting, and knew not what fear
was. He went amongst his school-fellows by the name of Hannibal, and Old
Tough. A brother school-fellow of his, no less a man than the Marquis of
Buckingham, met, and recognised him again in Ireland, and with the most
marked solicitude of friendship, did every thing but assist him, in
obtaining a troop of dragoons, which he had much at heart.
Tickell, minor, should then have had the eulogy of how much elder art
thou than thy years! In those early days his exercises, read publicly
in school, gave the anticipation of what time and advancing years have
brought forth. He was an admirable scholar, and a poet from nature;
forcible, neat, and discriminating. The fame of his grandsire, the
Tickell of Addison, was not hurt by the descent to him.
His sister, who was the beauty of Windsor castle, and the admiration
of all, early excited a passion in a boy then at school, who afterwards
married her. Of this sister he was very fond; but he was not less so
of another female at Windsor, a regard since terminated in a better way
with his present wife.
His pamphlet of _Anticipation_, it is said, placed him where he since
was, under the auspices of Lord North; but his abilities were of better
quality, and deserved a better situation for their employment.
Lord Plymouth, then Lord Windsor, had to boast some distinctions, which
kept him aloof from the boys of his time. He was of that inordinate size
that, like Falstaff, four square yards on even ground were so many miles
to him; and the struggles which he underwent to raise himself when
down might have been matter of instruction to a minority member. In the
entrance to his Dame's gate much circumspection was necessary; for, like
some good men out of power, he found it difficult to get in.
When in school, or otherwise, he was not undeserving of praise, either
as to temper or ~84~~ scholarship; and whether out of the excellence
of his Christianity, or that of good humour, he was not very adverse to
good living; and he continued so ever after.
Lord Leicester had the reputation of good scholarship, and not
undeservedly. In regard to poetry, however, he was sometimes apt
to break the eighth commandment, and prove lie read more the Musee
Etonenses than his prayer-book. Inheriting it from Lord Townshend, the
father of caricaturists, he there pursued, with nearly equal ability,
that turn for satiric drawing. The master, the tutors, slender Prior,
and fat Roberts,--all felt in rotation the effects of his pencil.
There too, as well as since, he had a most venerable affection for
heraldry, and the same love of collecting together old titles, and
obsolete mottos. Once in the military, he had, it may be said, a turn
for arms. In a zeal of this kind he once got over the natural mildness
of his temper, and was heard to exclaim--"There are two griffins in my
family that have been missing these three centuries, and by G-, I'll
have iliem back again!"-This passion was afterwards improved into so
perfect a knowledge, that in the creation of peers he was applied to,
that every due ceremonial might be observed; and he never failed in his
recollection on these antiquated subjects.
Tom Plummer gave then a specimen of that quickness and vivacity of parts
for which he was afterwards famed. But not as a scholar, not as a poet,
was he quick alone; he was quick too in the wrong ends of things, as
well as the right, with a plausible account to follow it.
In fact, he was born for the law; clear, discriminating, judicious,
alive, and with a noble impartiality to all sides of questions, and
which none could defend better. This goes, however, only to the powers
of his head; in those of the heart no one, and in the best ~85~~ and
tenderest qualities of it, ever stood better. He was liked universally,
and should be so; for no man was ever more meritorious for being good,
as he who had all the abilities which sometimes make a man otherwise.
In the progress of life mind changes often, and body almost always. Both
these rules, however, he lived to contradict; for his talents and his
qualities retained their virtue; and when a boy he was as tall as when a
man, and apparently the same.
Capel Loft. In the language of Eton the word gig comprehended all that
was ridiculous, all that was to be laughed at, and plagued to death; and
of all gigs that was, or ever will be, this gentleman, while a boy, was
the greatest.
He was like nothing, "in the heavens above, or the waters under the
earth;" and therefore he was surrounded by a mob of boys whenever he
appeared. These days of popularity were not pleasant. Luckily, however,
for himself, he found some refuge from persecution in his scholarship.
This scholarship was much above the rate, and out of the manner of
common boys.
As a poet, he possessed fluency and facility, but not the strongest
imagination. As a classic, he was admirable; and his prose themes upon
different subjects displayed an acquaintance with the Latin idiom and
phraseology seldom acquired even by scholastic life, and the practice of
later years. Beyond this, he read much of everything that appeared, knew
every thing, and was acquainted with every better publication of the
times.
Even then he studied law, politics, divinity; and could have written
well upon those subjects.
These talents have served him since more effectually than they did then;
more as man than boy:
For at school he was a kind of Gray Beard: he neither ran, played,
jumped, swam, or fought, as ~86~~ other boys do. The descriptions of
puerile years, so beautifully given by _Gray_, in his ode:
"Who, foremost, now delight to cleave,
With pliant arm, thy glassy wave?
The captive linnet which enthrall?
What idle progeny succeed,
To chase the rolling circle's speed,
Or urge the flying ball?"
All these would have been, and were, as non-descriptive of him as they
would have been of the lord chancellor of England, with a dark brow
and commanding mien, determining a cause of the first interest to this
country. Added to this, in personal appearance he was most unfavored;
and exemplified the Irish definition of an open countenance--a mouth from
ear to ear.
Lord Hinchinbroke, from the earliest period of infancy, had all the
marks of the Montagu family. He had a good head, and a red head, and
a Roman nose, and a turn to the _ars amatoria_ of Ovid, and all the
writers who may have written on love. As it was in the beginning--may be
said now.
Though in point of scholarship he was not in the very first line, the
descendant of Lord Sandwich could not but have ability, and he had it;
but this was so mixed with the wanderings of the heart, the vivacity of
youthful imagination, and a turn to pleasure, that a steady pursuit of
any one object of a literary turn could not be expected.
But it was his praise that he went far in a short time; sometimes too
far; for Barnard had to exercise himself, and his red right arm, as the
vengeful poet expresses it, very frequently on the latter end of his
lordship's excursions.
In one of these excursions to Windsor, he had the good or ill fortune to
engage in a little amorous amement with a young lady, the consequence
of ~87~~ which was an application to Lucina for assistance. Of this
doctor Barnard was informed, and though the remedy did not seem tending
towards a cure, he was brought up immediately to be flogged.
He bore this better than his master, who cried out, after some few
lashes--"Psha! what signifies my flogging him for being like his father?
What's bred in the bone will never get out of the flesh."
Gibbs. Some men are overtaken by the law, and some few overtake it
themselves. In this small, but happy number, may be placed the name
in question; and a name of better promise, whether of man or boy, can
scarcely be found any where.
At school he was on the foundation; and though amongst the Collegers,
where the views of future life, and hope of better days, arising from
their own industry, make learning a necessity, yet to that he added the
better qualities of genius and talent.
As a classical scholar, he was admirable in both languages. As a poet,
he was natural, ready, and yet distinguished. Amongst the best exercises
of the time, his were to be reckoned, and are yet remembered with
praise. For the medals given by Sir John Dalrymple for the best Latin
poem, he was a candidate; but though his production was publicly read
by doctor Forster, and well spoken of, he was obliged to give way to the
superiority of another on that occasion.
Describing the winding of the Thames through its banks, it had this
beautiful line:
"_Rodit arundineas facili sinuamine ripas------_"
Perfect as to the picture, and beautiful as to the flowing of the
poetry.
He had the good fortune and the good temper to be liked by every body of
his own age; and he was not enough found out of bounds, or trespassing
against "sacred order," to be disliked by those of greater age who were
set over him.
~88~~ After passing through all the different forms at Eton, he was
removed to Cambridge; where he distinguished himself not less than at
school in trials for different literary honors.
There he became assistant tutor to Sir Peter Burrell, who then listened
to his instructions, and has not since forgotten them.
As a tutor, he was somewhat young; but the suavity of his manners took
away the comparison of equality; and his real knowledge rendered him
capable of instructing those who might be even older than himself.
[Illustration: page088]
APOLLO'S VISIT TO ETON.{1}
T'other night, as Apollo was quaffing a gill
With his pupils, the Muses, from Helicon's rill,
(For all circles of rank in Parnassus agree
In preferring cold water to coffee or tea)
The discourse turned as usual on critical matters,
And the last stirring news from the kingdom of letters.
But when poets, and critics, and wits, and what not,
From Jeffery and Byron, to Stoddart and Stott,{2}
Had received their due portion of consideration,
Cried Apollo, "Pray, ladies, how goes education?
For I own my poor brain's been so muddled of late,
In transacting the greater affairs of the state;
And so long every day in the courts I've been stewing,
I've had no time to think what the children were doing.
There's my favorite Byron my presence inviting,
And Milman, and Coleridge, and Moore, have been writing;
And my ears at this moment confoundedly tingle,
From the squabbling of Blackwood with Cleghorn and Pringle:
But as all their disputes seem at length at an end,
And the poets my levee have ceased to attend;
Since the weather's improving, and lengthen'd the days,
For a visit to Eton I'll order my chaise:
1 This poem, the reader will perceive, is an humble
imitation of Leigh Hunt's "Feast of the Poets;" and the
lines distinguished by asterisks are borrowed or altered
from the original.
2 A writer in "The Morning Post," mentioned by Lord Byron,
in his "English Bards and Scotch Reviewers."
~90~~
There's my sister Diana my day coach to drive,
And I'll send the new Canto to keep you alive.
So my business all settled, and absence supply'd,
For an earthly excursion to-morrow I'll ride."
Thus spoke king Apollo; the Muses assented;
And the god went to bed most bepraised and contented.
'Twas on Saturday morning, near half past eleven,
When a god, like a devil,4 came driving from heaven,
And with postboys, and footmen, and liveries blazing,
Soon set half the country a gaping and gazing.
When the carriage drove into the Christopher yard,
How the waiters all bustled, and Garraway stared;
And the hostlers and boot-catchers wonder'd, and swore
"They'd ne'er seen such a start in their lifetime before!"
I could tell how, as soon as his chariot drew nigh,
Every cloud disappear'd from the face of the sky;
And the birds in the hedges more tunefully sung,
And the bells in St. George's spontaneously rung;
And the people, all seized with divine inspiration,
Couldn't talk without rhyming and versification.
But such matters, though vastly important, I ween,
Are too long for the limits of your magazine.
Now it soon got abroad that Apollo was come,
And intended to be, for that evening, "at home;"
And that cards would be issued, and tickets be given,
To all scholars and wits, for a dinner at seven.
So he'd scarcely sat clown, when a legion came pouring
Of would-be-thought scholars, his favor imploring.
First, Buller stept in, with a lengthy oration
About "scandalous usage," and "hard situation:"
And such treatment as never, since Eton was started,
~91~~
Had been shown to a genius, like him, "broken-hearted."
He'd " no doubt but his friends in Parnassus must know
How his fine declamation was laugh'd at below;
And how Keate, like a blockhead ungifted with brains,
Had neglected to grant him a prize for his pains.
He was sure, if such conduct continued much longer,
The school must grow weaker, and indolence stronger;
That the rights of sixth form would be laid in the dust,
And the school after that, he thought, tumble it must.
But he knew that Apollo was learned and wise,
And he hoped that his godship would give him a prize;
Or, at least, to make up for his mortification,
Would invite him to dinner without hesitation."
Now Apollo, it seems, had some little pretence
To a trifling proportion of wisdom and sense:
So without ever asking the spark to be seated,
He thus cut short his hopes, and his projects defeated.
"After all, Mr. Buller, you've deign'd to repeat,
I'm afraid that you'll think me as stupid as Keate:
But to wave all disputes on your talents and knowledge,
Pray what have you done as the captain of college?
Have you patronized learning, or sapping commended?
Have you e'er to your fags, or their studies, attended?
To the school have you given of merit a sample,
And directed by precept, or led by example?"
*****
What Apollo said more I'm forbidden to say,
But Buller dined not at his table that day.
Next, a smart little gentleman march'd with a stare up,
A smoothing his neckcloth, and patting his hair up;
And with bows and grimaces quadrillers might follow,
Said, " he own'd that his face was unknown to Apollo;
~92~~
But he held in hand what must be his apology,
A short treatise he'd written on _British Geology_;
And this journal, he hoped, of his studies last week,
In philosophy, chemistry, logic, and Greek,
Might appear on perusal: but not to go far
In proclaiming his merits--his name was Tom Carr:
And for proofs of his talents, deserts, and what not,
He appeal'd to Miss Baillie, Lord Byron, and Scott."
Here his speech was cut short by a hubbub below,
And in walk'd Messrs. Maturin, Cookesly, and Co.,
And begg'd leave to present to his majesty's finger--
If he'd please to accept--No. 5 of the Linger.{5}
Mr. Maturin "hoped he the columns would view
With unprejudiced judgment, and give them their due,
Nor believe all the lies, which perhaps he had seen,
In that vile publication, that base magazine,{6}
Which had dared to impeach his most chaste lucubrations,
Of obscenity, nonsense, and such accusations.
Nay, that impudent work had asserted downright,
That chalk differ'd from cheese, and that black wasn't white;
But he hoped he might meet with his majesty's favor;"
And thus, hemming and hawing, he closed his palaver.
Now the god condescended to look at the papers,
But the first word he found in them gave him the vapours:
For the eyes of Apollo, ye gods! 'twas a word
Quite unfit to be written, and more to be heard;
'Twas a word which a bargeman would tremble to utter,
And it put his poor majesty all in a flutter;
But collecting his courage, his laurels he shook,
And around on the company cast such a look,
That e'en Turin and Dumpling slank off to the door,
And the Lion was far too much frighten'd to roar;
5 An Eton periodical of the time.
6 The College Magazine.
~93~~
While poor Carr was attack'd with such qualms at the breast,
That he took up his journal, and fled with the rest.
When the tumult subsided, and peace 'gan to follow,
Goddard enter'd the room, with three cards for Apollo,
And some papers which, hardly five minutes before,
Three respectable gownsmen had left at the door.
With a smile of good humour the god look'd at each,
For he found that they came from Blunt, Chapman, and Neech.{7}
Blunt sent him a treatise of science profound,
Showing how rotten eggs were distinguish'd from sound;
Some "Remarks on Debates," and some long-winded stories,
Of society Whigs, and society Tories;
And six sheets and a half of a sage dissertation,
On the present most wicked and dull generation.
From Chapman came lectures on Monk, and on piety;
On Simeon, and learning, and plays, and sobriety;
With most clear illustrations, and critical notes,
On his own right exclusive of canvassing votes.
From Neech came a medley of prose and of rhyme,
Satires, epigrams, sonnets, and sermons sublime;
But he'd chosen all customs and rules to reverse,
For his satires were prose, and las sermons were verse.
Phoebus look'd at the papers, commended all three,
And sent word he'd be happy to see them to tea.
The affairs of the morning thus happily o'er,
Phoebus pull'd from his pocket twelve tickets or more,
Which the waiters were ordered forthwith to disperse
'Mongst the most approved scribblers in prose and in verse:
'Mongst the gentlemen honor'd with cards, let me see,
There was Howard, and Coleridge, and Wood, and Lavie,
The society's props; Curzon, major and minor,
7 Principal contributors to the Etonian.
~94~~
Bowen, Hennicker, Webbe, were invited to dinner:
The theologist Buxton, and Petit, were seen,
And philosopher Jenyns, and Donald Maclean;
Bulteel too, and Dykes; but it happen'd (oh shame!)
That, though many were ask'd, very few of them came.
As for Coleridge, he "knew not what right Phobus had,
d--n me, To set up for a judge in a christian academy;
And he'd not condescend to submit his Latinity,
Nor his verses, nor Greek, to a heathen divinity.
For his part, he should think his advice an affront,
Full as bad as the libels of Chapman and Blunt.
He'd no doubt but his dinner might be very good,
But he'd not go and taste it--be d--d if he would."
Dean fear'd that his pupils their minds should defile,
And Maclean was engaged to the duke of Argyll;
In a deep fit of lethargy Petit had sunk,
And theologist Buxton with _Bishop_ was drunk;
Bulteel too, and Dykes, much against their own will,
Had been both pre-engaged to a party to mill;
And philosopher Jenyns was bent on his knees,
To electrify spiders, and galvanize fleas.
But the rest all accepted the god's invitation,
And made haste to prepare for this jollification.
Now the dinner was handsome as dinner could be,
But to tell every dish is too tedious for me;
Such a task, at the best, would be irksome and long,
And, besides, I must haste to the end of my song.
'Tis enough to relate that, the better to dine,
Jove sent them some nectar, and Bacchus some wine.
From Minerva came olives to crown the dessert,
And from Helicon water was sent most alert,
Of which Howard, 'tis said, drank so long and so deep,
That he almost fell into poetical sleep.{8}
When the cloth was removed, and the bottle went round,
"Nec fonte labra prolui C'aballino,
Nec in bicipiti sommasse Parnasso."
Persius.
~95~~
Wit, glee, and good humour, began to abound,
Though Lord Chesterfield would not have call'd them polite,
For they all often burst into laughter outright.
*****
But swift flew the moments of rapture and glee,
And too early, alas! they were summon'd to tea.
With looks most demure, each prepared with a speech,
At the table were seated Blunt, Chapman, and Neech.
Phobus stopt their orations, with dignity free,
And with easy politeness shook hands with all three;
And the party proceeded, increased to a host,
To discuss bread and butter, tea, coffee, and toast.
As their numbers grew larger, more loud grew their mirth,
And Apollo from heav'n drew its raptures to earth:
With divine inspiration he kindled each mind,
Till their wit, like their sugar, grew double refined;
And an evening, enliven'd by conviviality,
Proved how much they were pleased by the god's hospitality.
Thalia.{9}
9 This poem is attributed to J. Moultrie, Esq. of Trinity
college, Cambridge.
[Illustration: page095]
[Illustration: page093]
ETON MONTEM.
Stand by, old Cant, while I admire
The young and gay, with souls of fire,
Unloose the cheerful heart.
Hence with thy puritanic zeal;
True virtue is to grant and feel--
A bliss thou'lt ne'er impart.
I love thee, Montem,--love thee, by all the brightest recollections
of my youth, for the inspiring pleasures which thy triennial pageant
revives in my heart: joined with thy merry throng, I can forget the
cares and disappointments of the world; and, tripping gaily with the
light-hearted, youthful band, cast off the gloom of envy and of worldly
pursuit, reassociating myself with the joyous scenes of my boyhood. Nay,
more, I hold thee in higher veneration than ever did antiquarian worship
the relics of _virtu_.
[Illustration: page094]
~97~~
Destruction light upon the impious hand that would abridge thy ancient
charter;--be all thy children, father Etona, doubly-armed to defend
thy ancient honors;--let no modern Goth presume to violate thy sacred
rights; but to the end of time may future generations retain the spirit
of thy present race; and often as the happy period comes, new pleasures
wait upon the Eton Montem.{1}
1 The ancient custom, celebrated at Eton every third year,
on Whit-Tuesday, and which bears the title of The Montem,
appears to have defied antiquarian research, as far as
relates to its original institution. It consiste of a
procession to a small tumulus on the southern side of the
Bath road, which has given the name of Salt-Hill to the
spot, now better known by the splendid inns that are
established there. The chief object of this celebration,
however, is to collect money for salt, according to the
language of the day, from all persons who assemble to see
the show, nor does it fail to be exacted from travellers on
the road, and even at the private residences within a
certain, but no inconsiderable, range of the spot. The
scholars appointed to collect the money are called _salt-
bearers_; they are arrayed in fancy dresses, and are
attended by others called scouts, of a similar, but less
showy appearance. Tickets are given to such persons as have
paid their contributions, to secure them from any further
demand. This ceremony is always very numerously attended by
Etonians, and has frequently been honored with the presence
of his late Majesty, and the different branches of the Royal
Family. The sum collected on the occasion has sometimes
exceeded 800L., and is given to the senior scholar, who is
called Captain of the School. This procession appears to be
coeval with the foundation; and it is the opinion of Mr.
Lysons, that it was a ceremonial of the Bairn, or Boy-
Bishop. He states, that it originally took place on the 6th
of December, the festival of St. Nicholas, the patron of
children; being the day on which it was customary at
Salisbury, and in other places where the ceremony was
observed, to elect the Boy-Bishop from among the children
belonging to the cathedral. This mock dignity lasted till
Innocents' day; and, during the intermediate time, the boy
performed various episcopal functions. If it happened that
he died before the allotted period of this extraordinary
mummery had expired, he was buried with all the ceremonials
which were used at the funerals of prelates. In the
voluminous collections relating to antiquities, bequeathed
by Mr. Cole, who was himself of Eton and King's colleges, to
the British Museum, is a note which
~98~~
mentions that the ceremony of the Bairn or Boy-Bishop was to
be observed by charter, and that Geoffry Blythe, Bishop of
Lichfield, who died in 1530, bequeathed several ornaments
to those colleges, for the dress of the bairn-bishop. But on
what authority this industrious antiquary gives the
information, which, if correct, would put an end to all
doubt on the subject, does not appear. But, after all, why
may not this custom be supposed to have originated in a
procession to perform an annual mass at the altar of some
saint, to whom a small chapel might have been dedicated on
the mount called Salt-Hill; a ceremony very common in
Catholic countries, as such an altar is a frequent appendage
to their towns and populous villages? As for the selling of
salt, it may be considered as a natural accompaniment, when
its emblematical character, as to its use in the ceremonies
of the Roman Church, is contemplated. Till the time of
Doctor Barnard, the procession of the Montem was every two
years, and on the first or second Tuesday in February. It
consisted of something of a military array. The boys in the
remove, fourth, and inferior forms, marched in a long file
of two and two, with white poles in their hands, while the
sixth and fifth form boys walked on their flanks as
officers, and habited in all the variety of dress, each of
them having a boy of the inferior forms, smartly equipped,
attending on him as a footman. The second boy in the school
led the procession in a military dress, with a truncheon in
his hand, and bore for the day the title of Marshal: then
followed the Captain, supported by his Chaplain, the head
scholar of the fifth form, dressed in a suit of black, with
a large bushy wig, and a broad beaver decorated with a
twisted silk hatband and rose, the fashionable distinction
of the dignified clergy of that day. It was his office to
read certain Latin prayers on the mount at Salt-Hill The
third boy of the school brought up the rear as Lieutenant.
One of the higher classes, whose qualification was his
activity, was chosen Ensign, and carried the colours, which
were emblazoned with the college arms, and the motto, _Pro
mort el monte_. This flag, before the procession left the
college, he flourished in the school-yard with all the
dexterity displayed at Astley's and places of similar
exhibition. The same ceremony was repeated after prayers, on
the mount. The regiment dined in the inns at Salt-Hill, and
then returned to the college; and its dismission in the
school-yard was announced by the universal drawing of all
the swords. Those who bore the title of commissioned
officers were exclusively on the foundation, and carried
spontoons; the rest were considered as Serjeants and
corporals, and a most curious assemblage of figures they
exhibited. The two principal salt-bearers consisted of an
oppidan and a colleger: the former was generally some
nobleman, whose figure and personal connexions might advance
the interests of the collections. They were dressed like
running footmen, and carried, each of them, a silk bag to
receive the contributions, in which was a small quantity of
salt. During Doctor Barnard's mastership, the ceremony was
made triennial, the time changed from February to Whit-
Tuesday, and several of its absurdities retrenched. An
ancient and savage custom of hunting a ram by the foundation
scholars, on Saturday in the election week, was abolished in
the earlier part of the last century. The curious twisted
clubs with which these collegiate hunters were armed on the
occasion are still to be seen in antiquarian collections.
~99~~
What coronation, tournament, or courtly pageant, can outshine thy
splendid innocence and delightful gaiety? what regal banquet yields half
the pure enjoyment the sons of old Etona experience, when, after
months of busy preparation, the happy morn arrives ushered in with the
inspiring notes of "_Auld lang syne_" from the well-chosen band in the
college breakfast-room? Then, too, the crowds of admiring spectators,
the angel host of captivating beauties with their starry orbs of light,
and luxuriant tresses, curling in playful elegance around a face
beaming with divinity, or falling in admired negligence over bosoms of
alabastrine whiteness and unspotted purity within! Grey-bearded wisdom
and the peerless great, the stars of honor in the field and state,
the pulpit and the bar, send forth their brightest ornaments to grace
Etona's holiday. Oxford and Cambridge, too, lend their classic aid,
and many a grateful son of _Alma Mater_ returns to acknowledge his
obligations to his early tutors and swell the number of the mirthful
host. Here may be seen, concentrated in the quadrangle, the costume of
every nation, in all the gay variety that fancy can devise: the Persian
spangled robe, and the embroidered Greek vest; the graceful Spanish, and
the picturesque Italian, the Roman toga and the tunic, and the rich old
English suit. Pages in red frocks, and marshals in their satin 100~~
doublets; white wands and splendid turbans, plumes, and velvet hats,
all hastening with a ready zeal to obey the call of the muster-roll. The
captain with his retinue retires to pay his court to the provost; while,
in the doctor's study, may be seen, gathered around the dignitary, a few
of those great names who honor Eton and owe their honor to her classic
tutors. Twelve o'clock strikes, and the procession is now marshalled in
the quadrangle in sight of the privileged circle, princes, dukes, peers,
and doctors with their ladies. Here does the ensign first display his
skill in public, and the Montem banner is flourished in horizontal
revolutions about the head and waist with every grace of elegance and
ease which the result of three months' practice and no little strength
can accomplish.
Twelve o'clock strikes, and the procession moves forward to the playing
fields on its route to Salt-Hill. Now look the venerable spires and
antique towers of Eton like to some chieftain's baronial castle in the
feudal times, and the proud captain represents the hero marching forth
at the head of his parti-coloured vassals!
The gallant display of rank and fashion and beauty follow in their
splendid equipages by slow progressive movement, like the delightful
lingering, inch by inch approach to St. James's palace on a full
court-day. The place itself is calculated to impress the mind with
sentiments of veneration and of heart-moving reminiscences; seated in
the bosom of one of the richest landscapes in the kingdom, where on
the height majestic Windsor lifts its royal brow; calmly magnificent,
over-looking, from his round tower, the surrounding country, and waving
his kingly banner in the air: 'tis the high court of English chivalry,
the birth-place, the residence, and the mausoleum of her kings, and
"i' the olden time," the prison of her captured monarchs. "At once, the
sovereign's and ~101~~ the muses' seat," rich beyond almost any
other district in palaces, and fanes, and villas, in all the "pomp of
patriarchal forests," and gently-swelling hills, and noble streams, and
waving harvests; there Denham wrote, and Pope breathed the soft note of
pastoral inspiration; and there too the immortal bard of Avon chose
the scene in which to wind the snares of love around his fat-encumbered
knight. Who can visit the spot without thinking of Datchet mead and the
buck-basket of sweet Anne Page and Master S
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