← catalogue

The History of Samuel Titmarsh and the Great Hoggarty Diamond

by William Makepeace Thackeray · English · Gutenberg #1933 · 290,791 chars · public domain (US)

The Project Gutenberg eBook of The History of Samuel Titmarsh and the Great Hoggarty Diamond
    
This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online
at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States,
you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located
before using this eBook.

Title: The History of Samuel Titmarsh and the Great Hoggarty Diamond

Author: William Makepeace Thackeray


        
Release date: October 1, 1999 [eBook #1933]
                Most recently updated: February 23, 2006

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1933

Credits: Transcribed from the 1911 John Murray edition by David Price


*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND ***






Transcribed from the 1911 John Murray edition by David Price, email
ccx074@coventry.ac.uk





THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH
AND THE
THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND


LONDON
JOHN MURRAY, ALBEMARLE STREET, W.
1911




CHAPTER I


GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF OUR VILLAGE AND THE FIRST GLIMPSE OF THE DIAMOND

When I came up to town for my second year, my aunt Hoggarty made me a
present of a diamond-pin; that is to say, it was not a diamond-pin then,
but a large old-fashioned locket, of Dublin manufacture in the year 1795,
which the late Mr. Hoggarty used to sport at the Lord Lieutenant's balls
and elsewhere.  He wore it, he said, at the battle of Vinegar Hill, when
his club pigtail saved his head from being taken off,--but that is
neither here nor there.

In the middle of the brooch was Hoggarty in the scarlet uniform of the
corps of Fencibles to which he belonged; around it were thirteen locks of
hair, belonging to a baker's dozen of sisters that the old gentleman had;
and, as all these little ringlets partook of the family hue of brilliant
auburn, Hoggarty's portrait seemed to the fanciful view like a great fat
red round of beef surrounded by thirteen carrots.  These were dished up
on a plate of blue enamel, and it was from the GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND (as
we called it in the family) that the collection of hairs in question
seemed as it were to spring.

My aunt, I need not say, is rich; and I thought I might be her heir as
well as another.  During my month's holiday, she was particularly pleased
with me; made me drink tea with her often (though there was a certain
person in the village with whom on those golden summer evenings I should
have liked to have taken a stroll in the hayfields); promised every time
I drank her bohea to do something handsome for me when I went back to
town,--nay, three or four times had me to dinner at three, and to whist
or cribbage afterwards.  I did not care for the cards; for though we
always played seven hours on a stretch, and I always lost, my losings
were never more than nineteenpence a night: but there was some infernal
sour black-currant wine, that the old lady always produced at dinner, and
with the tray at ten o'clock, and which I dared not refuse; though upon
my word and honour it made me very unwell.

Well, I thought after all this obsequiousness on my part, and my aunt's
repeated promises, that the old lady would at least make me a present of
a score of guineas (of which she had a power in the drawer); and so
convinced was I that some such present was intended for me, that a young
lady by the name of Miss Mary Smith, with whom I had conversed on the
subject, actually netted me a little green silk purse, which she gave me
(behind Hicks's hayrick, as you turn to the right up Churchyard
Lane)--which she gave me, I say, wrapped up in a bit of silver paper.
There was something in the purse, too, if the truth must be known.  First
there was a thick curl of the glossiest blackest hair you ever saw in
your life, and next there was threepence: that is to say, the half of a
silver sixpence hanging by a little necklace of blue riband.  Ah, but I
knew where the other half of the sixpence was, and envied that happy bit
of silver!

The last day of my holiday I was obliged, of course, to devote to Mrs.
Hoggarty.  My aunt was excessively gracious; and by way of a treat
brought out a couple of bottles of the black currant, of which she made
me drink the greater part.  At night when all the ladies assembled at her
party had gone off with their pattens and their maids, Mrs. Hoggarty, who
had made a signal to me to stay, first blew out three of the wax candles
in the drawing-room, and taking the fourth in her hand, went and unlocked
her escritoire.

I can tell you my heart beat, though I pretended to look quite
unconcerned.

"Sam my dear," said she, as she was fumbling with her keys, "take another
glass of Rosolio" (that was the name by which she baptised the cursed
beverage): "it will do you good."  I took it, and you might have seen my
hand tremble as the bottle went click--click against the glass.  By the
time I had swallowed it, the old lady had finished her operations at the
bureau, and was coming towards me, the wax-candle bobbing in one hand and
a large parcel in the other.

"Now's the time," thought I.

"Samuel, my dear nephew," said she, "your first name you received from
your sainted uncle, my blessed husband; and of all my nephews and nieces,
you are the one whose conduct in life has most pleased me."

When you consider that my aunt herself was one of seven married sisters,
that all the Hoggarties were married in Ireland and mothers of numerous
children, I must say that the compliment my aunt paid me was a very
handsome one.

"Dear aunt," says I, in a slow agitated voice, "I have often heard you
say there were seventy-three of us in all, and believe me I do think your
high opinion of me very complimentary indeed: I'm unworthy of it--indeed
I am."

"As for those odious Irish people," says my aunt, rather sharply, "don't
speak of them, I hate them, and every one of their mothers" (the fact is,
there had been a lawsuit about Hoggarty's property); "but of all my other
kindred, you, Samuel, have been the most dutiful and affectionate to me.
Your employers in London give the best accounts of your regularity and
good conduct.  Though you have had eighty pounds a year (a liberal
salary), you have not spent a shilling more than your income, as other
young men would; and you have devoted your month's holidays to your old
aunt, who, I assure you, is grateful."

"Oh, ma'am!" said I.  It was all that I could utter.

"Samuel," continued she, "I promised you a present, and here it is.  I
first thought of giving you money; but you are a regular lad; and don't
want it.  You are above money, dear Samuel.  I give you what I value most
in life--the p,--the po, the po-ortrait of my sainted Hoggarty" (tears),
"set in the locket which contains the valuable diamond that you have
often heard me speak of.  Wear it, dear Sam, for my sake; and think of
that angel in heaven, and of your dear Aunt Susy."

She put the machine into my hands: it was about the size of the lid of a
shaving-box: and I should as soon have thought of wearing it as of
wearing a cocked-hat and pigtail.  I was so disgusted and disappointed
that I really could not get out a single word.

When I recovered my presence of mind a little, I took the locket out of
the bit of paper (the locket indeed! it was as big as a barndoor
padlock), and slowly put it into my shirt.  "Thank you, Aunt," said I,
with admirable raillery.  "I shall always value this present for the sake
of you, who gave it me; and it will recall to me my uncle, and my
thirteen aunts in Ireland."

"I don't want you to wear it in _that_ way!" shrieked Mrs. Hoggarty,
"with the hair of those odious carroty women.  You must have their hair
removed."

"Then the locket will be spoiled, Aunt."

"Well, sir, never mind the locket; have it set afresh."

"Or suppose," said I, "I put aside the setting altogether: it is a little
too large for the present fashion; and have the portrait of my uncle
framed and placed over my chimney-piece, next to yours.  It's a sweet
miniature."

"That miniature," said Mrs. Hoggarty, solemnly, "was the great Mulcahy's
_chef-d'oeuvre_" (pronounced _shy dewver_, a favourite word of my aunt's;
being, with the words _bongtong_ and _ally mode de Parry_, the extent of
her French vocabulary).  "You know the dreadful story of that poor poor
artist.  When he had finished that wonderful likeness for the late Mrs.
Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty, county Mayo, she wore it in her bosom at the
Lord Lieutenant's ball, where she played a game of piquet with the
Commander-in-Chief.  What could have made her put the hair of her vulgar
daughters round Mick's portrait, I can't think; but so it was, as you see
it this day.  'Madam,' says the Commander-in-Chief, 'if that is not my
friend Mick Hoggarty, I'm a Dutchman!'  Those were his Lordship's very
words.  Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty took off the brooch and showed
it to him.

"'Who is the artist?' says my Lord.  'It's the most wonderful likeness I
ever saw in my life!'

"'Mulcahy,' says she, 'of Ormond's Quay.'

"'Begad, I patronise him!' says my Lord; but presently his face darkened,
and he gave back the picture with a dissatisfied air.  'There is one
fault in that portrait,' said his Lordship, who was a rigid
disciplinarian; 'and I wonder that my friend Mick, as a military man,
should have overlooked it.'

"'What's that?' says Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty.

"'Madam, he has been painted WITHOUT HIS SWORD-BELT!'  And he took up the
cards again in a passion, and finished the game without saying a single
word.

"The news was carried to Mr. Mulcahy the next day, and that unfortunate
artist _went mad immediately_!  He had set his whole reputation upon this
miniature, and declared that it should be faultless.  Such was the effect
of the announcement upon his susceptible heart!  When Mrs. Hoggarty died,
your uncle took the portrait and always wore it himself.  His sisters
said it was for the sake of the diamond; whereas, ungrateful things! it
was merely on account of their hair, and his love for the fine arts.  As
for the poor artist, my dear, some people said it was the profuse use of
spirit that brought on delirium tremens; but I don't believe it.  Take
another glass of Rosolio."

The telling of this story always put my aunt into great good-humour, and
she promised at the end of it to pay for the new setting of the diamond;
desiring me to take it on my arrival in London to the great jeweller, Mr.
Polonius, and send her the bill.  "The fact is," said she, "that the gold
in which the thing is set is worth five guineas at the very least, and
you can have the diamond reset for two.  However, keep the remainder,
dear Sam, and buy yourself what you please with it."

With this the old lady bade me adieu.  The clock was striking twelve as I
walked down the village, for the story of Mulcahy always took an hour in
the telling, and I went away not quite so downhearted as when the present
was first made to me.  "After all," thought I, "a diamond-pin is a
handsome thing, and will give me a _distingue_ air, though my clothes be
never so shabby"--and shabby they were without any doubt.  "Well," I
said, "three guineas, which I shall have over, will buy me a couple of
pairs of what-d'ye-call-'ems;" of which, _entre nous_, I was in great
want, having just then done growing, whereas my pantaloons were made a
good eighteen months before.

Well, I walked down the village, my hands in my breeches pockets; I had
poor Mary's purse there, having removed the little things which she gave
me the day before, and placed them--never mind where: but look you, in
those days I had a heart, and a warm one too.  I had Mary's purse ready
for my aunt's donation, which never came, and with my own little stock of
money besides, that Mrs. Hoggarty's card parties had lessened by a good
five-and-twenty shillings, I calculated that, after paying my fare, I
should get to town with a couple of seven-shilling pieces in my pocket.

I walked down the village at a deuce of a pace; so quick that, if the
thing had been possible, I should have overtaken ten o'clock that had
passed by me two hours ago, when I was listening to Mrs. H.'s long
stories over her terrible Rosolio.  The truth is, at ten I had an
appointment under a certain person's window, who was to have been looking
at the moon at that hour, with her pretty quilled nightcap on, and her
blessed hair in papers.

There was the window shut, and not so much as a candle in it; and though
I hemmed and hawed, and whistled over the garden paling, and sang a song
of which Somebody was very fond, and even threw a pebble at the window,
which hit it exactly at the opening of the lattice,--I woke no one except
a great brute of a house-dog, that yelled, and howled, and bounced so at
me over the rails, that I thought every moment he would have had my nose
between his teeth.

So I was obliged to go off as quickly as might be; and the next morning
Mamma and my sisters made breakfast for me at four, and at five came the
"True Blue" light six-inside post-coach to London, and I got up on the
roof without having seen Mary Smith.

As we passed the house, it _did_ seem as if the window curtain in her
room was drawn aside just a little bit.  Certainly the window was open,
and it had been shut the night before: but away went the coach; and the
village, cottage, and the churchyard, and Hicks's hayricks were soon out
of sight.

* * * * *

"My hi, what a pin!" said a stable-boy, who was smoking a cigar, to the
guard, looking at me and putting his finger to his nose.

The fact is, that I had never undressed since my aunt's party; and being
uneasy in mind and having all my clothes to pack up, and thinking of
something else, had quite forgotten Mrs. Hoggarty's brooch, which I had
stuck into my shirt-frill the night before.




CHAPTER II


TELLS HOW THE DIAMOND IS BROUGHT UP TO LONDON, AND PRODUCES WONDERFUL
EFFECTS BOTH IN THE CITY AND AT THE WEST END

The circumstances recorded in this story took place some score of years
ago, when, as the reader may remember, there was a great mania in the
City of London for establishing companies of all sorts; by which many
people made pretty fortunes.

I was at this period, as the truth must be known, thirteenth clerk of
twenty-four young gents who did the immense business of the Independent
West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, at their splendid stone
mansion in Cornhill.  Mamma had sunk a sum of four hundred pounds in the
purchase of an annuity at this office, which paid her no less than six-
and-thirty pounds a year, when no other company in London would give her
more than twenty-four.  The chairman of the directors was the great Mr.
Brough, of the house of Brough and Hoff, Crutched Friars, Turkey
Merchants.  It was a new house, but did a tremendous business in the fig
and sponge way, and more in the Zante currant line than any other firm in
the City.

Brough was a great man among the Dissenting connection, and you saw his
name for hundreds at the head of every charitable society patronised by
those good people.  He had nine clerks residing at his office in Crutched
Friars; he would not take one without a certificate from the schoolmaster
and clergyman of his native place, strongly vouching for his morals and
doctrine; and the places were so run after, that he got a premium of four
or five hundred pounds with each young gent, whom he made to slave for
ten hours a day, and to whom in compensation he taught all the mysteries
of the Turkish business.  He was a great man on 'Change, too; and our
young chaps used to hear from the stockbrokers' clerks (we commonly dined
together at the "Cock and Woolpack," a respectable house, where you get a
capital cut of meat, bread, vegetables, cheese, half a pint of porter,
and a penny to the waiter, for a shilling)--the young stockbrokers used
to tell us of immense bargains in Spanish, Greek, and Columbians, that
Brough made.  Hoff had nothing to do with them, but stopped at home
minding exclusively the business of the house.  He was a young chap, very
quiet and steady, of the Quaker persuasion, and had been taken into
partnership by Brough for a matter of thirty thousand pounds: and a very
good bargain too.  I was told in the strictest confidence that the house
one year with another divided a good seven thousand pounds: of which
Brough had half, Hoff two-sixths, and the other sixth went to old Tudlow,
who had been Mr. Brough's clerk before the new partnership began.  Tudlow
always went about very shabby, and we thought him an old miser.  One of
our gents, Bob Swinney by name, used to say that Tudlow's share was all
nonsense, and that Brough had it all; but Bob was always too knowing by
half, used to wear a green cutaway coat, and had his free admission to
Covent Garden Theatre.  He was always talking down at the shop, as we
called it (it wasn't a shop, but as splendid an office as any in
Cornhill)--he was always talking about Vestris and Miss Tree, and singing

   "The bramble, the bramble,
   The jolly jolly bramble!"

one of Charles Kemble's famous songs in "Maid Marian;" a play that was
all the rage then, taken from a famous story-book by one Peacock, a clerk
in the India House; and a precious good place he has too.

When Brough heard how Master Swinney abused him, and had his admission to
the theatre, he came one day down to the office where we all were, four-
and-twenty of us, and made one of the most beautiful speeches I ever
heard in my life.  He said that for slander he did not care, contumely
was the lot of every public man who had austere principles of his own,
and acted by them austerely; but what he _did_ care for was the character
of every single gentleman forming a part of the Independent West
Diddlesex Association.  The welfare of thousands was in their keeping;
millions of money were daily passing through their hands; the City--the
country looked upon them for order, honesty, and good example.  And if he
found amongst those whom he considered as his children--those whom he
loved as his own flesh and blood--that that order was departed from, that
that regularity was not maintained, that that good example was not kept
up (Mr. B. always spoke in this emphatic way)--if he found his children
departing from the wholesome rules of morality, religion, and decorum--if
he found in high or low--in the head clerk at six hundred a year down to
the porter who cleaned the steps--if he found the slightest taint of
dissipation, he would cast the offender from him--yea, though he were his
own son, he would cast him from him!

As he spoke this, Mr. Brough burst into tears; and we who didn't know
what was coming, looked at each other as pale as parsnips: all except
Swinney, who was twelfth clerk, and made believe to whistle.  When Mr. B.
had wiped his eyes and recovered himself, he turned round; and oh, how my
heart thumped as he looked me full in the face!  How it was relieved,
though, when he shouted out in a thundering voice--

"Mr. ROBERT SWINNEY!"

"Sir to you," says Swinney, as cool as possible, and some of the chaps
began to titter.

"Mr. SWINNEY!" roared Brough, in a voice still bigger than before, "when
you came into this office--this family, sir, for such it is, as I am
proud to say--you found three-and-twenty as pious and well-regulated
young men as ever laboured together--as ever had confided to them the
wealth of this mighty capital and famous empire.  You found, sir,
sobriety, regularity, and decorum; no profane songs were uttered in this
place sacred to--to business; no slanders were whispered against the
heads of the establishment--but over them I pass: I can afford, sir, to
pass them by--no worldly conversation or foul jesting disturbed the
attention of these gentlemen, or desecrated the peaceful scene of their
labours.  You found Christians and gentlemen, sir!"

"I paid for my place like the rest," said Swinney.  "Didn't my governor
take sha-?"

"Silence, sir!  Your worthy father did take shares in this establishment,
which will yield him one day an immense profit.  He _did_ take shares,
sir, or you never would have been here.  I glory in saying that every one
of my young friends around me has a father, a brother, a dear relative or
friend, who is connected in a similar way with our glorious enterprise;
and that not one of them is there but has an interest in procuring, at a
liberal commission, other persons to join the ranks of our Association.
_But_, sir, I am its chief.  You will find, sir, your appointment signed
by me; and in like manner, I, John Brough, annul it.  Go from us,
sir!--leave us--quit a family that can no longer receive you in its
bosom!  Mr. Swinney, I have wept--I have prayed, sir, before I came to
this determination; I have taken counsel, sir, and am resolved.  _Depart
from out of us_!

"Not without three months' salary, though, Mr. B.: that cock won't
fight!"

"They shall be paid to your father, sir."

"My father be hanged!  I tell you what, Brough, I'm of age; and if you
don't pay me my salary, I'll arrest you,--by Jingo, I will!  I'll have
you in quod, or my name's not Bob Swinney!"

"Make out a cheque, Mr. Roundhand, for the three months' salary of this
perverted young man."

"Twenty-one pun' five, Roundhand, and nothing for the stamp!" cried out
that audacious Swinney.  "There it is, sir, _re_-ceipted.  You needn't
cross it to my banker's.  And if any of you gents like a glass of punch
this evening at eight o'clock, Bob Swinney's your man, and nothing to
pay.  If Mr. Brough _would_ do me the honour to come in and take a whack?
Come, don't say no, if you'd rather not!"

We couldn't stand this impudence, and all burst out laughing like mad.

"Leave the room!" yelled Mr. Brough, whose face had turned quite blue;
and so Bob took his white hat off the peg, and strolled away with his
"tile," as he called it, very much on one side.  When he was gone, Mr.
Brough gave us another lecture, by which we all determined to profit; and
going up to Roundhand's desk put his arm round his neck, and looked over
the ledger.

"What money has been paid in to-day, Roundhand?" he said, in a very kind
way.

"The widow, sir, came with her money; nine hundred and four ten and
six--say 904_l_. 10_s_. 6_d_.  Captain Sparr, sir, paid his shares up;
grumbles, though, and says he's no more: fifty shares, two
instalments--three fifties, sir."

"He's always grumbling!"

"He says he has not a shilling to bless himself with until our dividend
day."

"Any more?"

Mr. Roundhand went through the book, and made it up nineteen hundred
pounds in all.  We were doing a famous business now; though when I came
into the office, we used to sit, and laugh, and joke, and read the
newspapers all day; bustling into our seats whenever a stray customer
came.  Brough never cared about our laughing and singing _then_, and was
hand and glove with Bob Swinney; but that was in early times, before we
were well in harness.

"Nineteen hundred pounds, and a thousand pounds in shares.  Bravo,
Roundhand--bravo, gentlemen!  Remember, every share you bring in brings
you five per cent. down on the nail!  Look to your friends--stick to your
desks--be regular--I hope none of you forget church.  Who takes Mr.
Swinney's place?"

"Mr. Samuel Titmarsh, sir."

"Mr. Titmarsh, I congratulate you.  Give me your hand, sir: you are now
twelfth clerk of this Association, and your salary is consequently
increased five pounds a year.  How is your worthy mother, sir--your dear
and excellent parent?  In good health I trust?  And long--long, I
fervently pray, may this office continue to pay her annuity!  Remember,
if she has more money to lay out, there is higher interest than the last
for her, for she is a year older; and five per cent. for you, my boy!  Why
not you as well as another?  Young men will be young men, and a ten-pound
note does no harm.  Does it, Mr. Abednego?"

"Oh, no!" says Abednego, who was third clerk, and who was the chap that
informed against Swinney; and he began to laugh, as indeed we all did
whenever Mr. Brough made anything like a joke: not that they _were_
jokes; only we used to know it by his face.

"Oh, by-the-bye, Roundhand," says he, "a word with you on business.  Mrs.
Brough wants to know why the deuce you never come down to Fulham."

"Law, that's very polite!" said Mr. Roundhand, quite pleased.

"Name your day, my boy!  Say Saturday, and bring your night-cap with
you."

"You're very polite, I'm sure.  I should be delighted beyond anything,
but--"

"But--no buts, my boy!  Hark ye! the Chancellor of the Exchequer does me
the honour to dine with us, and I want you to see him; for the truth is,
I have bragged about you to his Lordship as the best actuary in the three
kingdoms."

Roundhand could not refuse such an invitation as _that_, though he had
told us how Mrs. R. and he were going to pass Saturday and Sunday at
Putney; and we who knew what a life the poor fellow led, were sure that
the head clerk would be prettily scolded by his lady when she heard what
was going on.  She disliked Mrs. Brough very much, that was the fact;
because Mrs. B. kept a carriage, and said she didn't know where
Pentonville was, and couldn't call on Mrs. Roundhand.  Though, to be
sure, her coachman might have found out the way.

"And oh, Roundhand!" continued our governor, "draw a cheque for seven
hundred, will you!  Come, don't stare, man; I'm not going to run away!
That's right,--seven hundred--and ninety, say, while you're about it!  Our
board meets on Saturday, and never fear I'll account for it to them
before I drive you down.  We shall take up the Chancellor at Whitehall."

So saying, Mr. Brough folded up the cheque, and shaking hands with Mr.
Roundhand very cordially, got into his carriage-and-four (he always drove
four horses even in the City, where it's so difficult), which was waiting
at the office-door for him.

Bob Swinney used to say that he charged two of the horses to the Company;
but there was never believing half of what that Bob said, he used to
laugh and joke so.  I don't know how it was, but I and a gent by the name
of Hoskins (eleventh clerk), who lived together with me in Salisbury
Square, Fleet Street--where we occupied a very genteel two-pair--found
our flute duet rather tiresome that evening, and as it was a very fine
night, strolled out for a walk West End way.  When we arrived opposite
Covent Garden Theatre we found ourselves close to the "Globe Tavern," and
recollected Bob Swinney's hospitable invitation.  We never fancied that
he had meant the invitation in earnest, but thought we might as well look
in: at any rate there could be no harm in doing so.

There, to be sure, in the back drawing-room, where he said he would be,
we found Bob at the head of a table, and in the midst of a great smoke of
cigars, and eighteen of our gents rattling and banging away at the table
with the bottoms of their glasses.

What a shout they made as we came in!  "Hurray!" says Bob, "here's two
more!  Two more chairs, Mary, two more tumblers, two more hot waters, and
two more goes of gin!  Who would have thought of seeing Tit, in the name
of goodness?"

"Why," said I, "we only came in by the merest chance."

At this word there was another tremendous roar: and it is a positive
fact, that every man of the eighteen had said he came by chance!  However,
chance gave us a very jovial night; and that hospitable Bob Swinney paid
every shilling of the score.

"Gentlemen!" says he, as he paid the bill, "I'll give you the health of
John Brough, Esquire, and thanks to him for the present of 21_l_. 5_s_.
which he made me this morning.  What do I say--21_l_. 5_s_.?  That and a
month's salary that I should have had to pay--forfeit--down on the nail,
by Jingo! for leaving the shop, as I intended to do to-morrow morning.
I've got a place--a tip-top place, I tell you.  Five guineas a week, six
journeys a year, my own horse and gig, and to travel in the West of
England in oil and spermaceti.  Here's confusion to gas, and the health
of Messrs. Gann and Co., of Thames Street, in the City of London!"

I have been thus particular in my account of the West Diddlesex Insurance
Office, and of Mr. Brough, the managing director (though the real names
are neither given to the office nor to the chairman, as you may be sure),
because the fate of me and my diamond pin was mysteriously bound up with
both: as I am about to show.

You must know that I was rather respected among our gents at the West
Diddlesex, because I came of a better family than most of them; had
received a classical education; and especially because I had a rich aunt,
Mrs. Hoggarty, about whom, as must be confessed, I used to boast a good
deal.  There is no harm in being respected in this world, as I have found
out; and if you don't brag a little for yourself, depend on it there is
no person of your acquaintance who will tell the world of your merits,
and take the trouble off your hands.

So that when I came back to the office after my visit at home, and took
my seat at the old day-book opposite the dingy window that looks into
Birchin Lane, I pretty soon let the fellows know that Mrs. Hoggarty,
though she had not given me a large sum of money, as I expected--indeed,
I had promised a dozen of them a treat down the river, should the
promised riches have come to me--I let them know, I say, that though my
aunt had not given me any money, she had given me a splendid diamond,
worth at least thirty guineas, and that some day I would sport it at the
shop.

"Oh, let's see it!" says Abednego, whose father was a mock-jewel and gold-
lace merchant in Hanway Yard; and I promised that he should have a sight
of it as soon as it was set.  As my pocket-money was run out too (by
coach-hire to and from home, five shillings to our maid at home, ten to
my aunt's maid and man, five-and-twenty shillings lost at whist, as I
said, and fifteen-and-six paid for a silver scissors for the dear little
fingers of Somebody), Roundhand, who was very good-natured, asked me to
dine, and advanced me 7_l_. 1_s_. 8_d_., a month's salary.  It was at
Roundhand's house, Myddelton Square, Pentonville, over a fillet of veal
and bacon and a glass of port, that I learned and saw how his wife ill-
treated him; as I have told before.  Poor fellow!--we under-clerks all
thought it was a fine thing to sit at a desk by oneself, and have 50_l_.
per month, as Roundhand had; but I've a notion that Hoskins and I,
blowing duets on the flute together in our second floor in Salisbury
Square, were a great deal more at ease than our head--and more _in
harmony_, too; though we made sad work of the music, certainly.

One day Gus Hoskins and I asked leave from Roundhand to be off at three
o'clock, as we had _particular business_ at the West End.  He knew it was
about the great Hoggarty diamond, and gave us permission; so off we set.
When we reached St. Martin's Lane, Gus got a cigar, to give himself as it
were a _distingue_ air, and pulled at it all the way up the Lane, and
through the alleys into Coventry Street, where Mr. Polonius's shop is, as
everybody knows.

The door was open, and a number of carriages full of ladies were drawing
up and setting down.  Gus kept his hands in his pockets--trousers were
worn very full then, with large tucks, and pigeon-holes for your boots,
or Bluchers, to come through (the fashionables wore boots, but we chaps
in the City, on 80_l_. a year, contented ourselves with Bluchers); and as
Gus stretched out his pantaloons as wide as he could from his hips, and
kept blowing away at his cheroot, and clamping with the iron heels of his
boots, and had very large whiskers for so young a man, he really looked
quite the genteel thing, and was taken by everybody to be a person of
consideration.

He would not come into the shop though, but stood staring at the gold
pots and kettles in the window outside.  I went in; and after a little
hemming and hawing--for I had never been at such a fashionable place
before--asked one of the gentlemen to let me speak to Mr. Polonius.

"What can I do for you, sir?" says Mr. Polonius, who was standing close
by, as it happened, serving three ladies,--a very old one and two young
ones, who were examining pearl necklaces very attentively.

"Sir," said I, producing my jewel out of my coat-pocket, "this jewel has,
I believe, been in your house before: it belonged to my aunt, Mrs.
Hoggarty, of Castle Hoggarty."  The old lady standing near looked round
as I spoke.

"I sold her a gold neck-chain and repeating watch in the year 1795," said
Mr. Polonius, who made it a point to recollect everything; "and a silver
punch-ladle to the Captain.  How is the Major--Colonel--General--eh,
sir?"

"The General," said I, "I am sorry to say"--though I was quite proud that
this man of fashion should address me so.--"Mr. Hoggarty is--no more.  My
aunt has made me a present, however, of this--this trinket--which, as you
see, contains her husband's portrait, that I will thank you, sir, to
preserve for me very carefully; and she wishes that you would set this
diamond neatly."

"Neatly and handsomely, of course, sir."

"Neatly, in the present fashion; and send down the account to her.  There
is a great deal of gold about the trinket, for which, of course, you will
make an allowance."

"To the last fraction of a sixpence," says Mr. Polonius, bowing, and
looking at the jewel.  "It's a wonderful piece of goods, certainly," said
he; "though the diamond's a neat little bit, certainly.  Do, my Lady,
look at it.  The thing is of Irish manufacture, bears the stamp of '95,
and will recall perhaps the times of your Ladyship's earliest youth."

"Get ye out, Mr. Polonius!" said the old lady, a little wizen-faced old
lady, with her face puckered up in a million of wrinkles.  "How _dar_
you, sir, to talk such nonsense to an old woman like me?  Wasn't I fifty
years old in '95, and a grandmother in '96?"  She put out a pair of
withered trembling hands, took up the locket, examined it for a minute,
and then burst out laughing: "As I live, it's the great Hoggarty
diamond!"

Good heavens! what was this talisman that had come into my possession?

"Look, girls," continued the old lady: "this is the great jew'l of all
Ireland.  This red-faced man in the middle is poor Mick Hoggarty, a
cousin of mine, who was in love with me in the year '84, when I had just
lost your poor dear grandpapa.  These thirteen sthreamers of red hair
represent his thirteen celebrated sisters,--Biddy, Minny, Thedy, Widdy
(short for Williamina), Freddy, Izzy, Tizzy, Mysie, Grizzy, Polly, Dolly,
Nell, and Bell--all married, all ugly, and all carr'ty hair.  And of
which are you the son, young man?--though, to do you justice, you're not
like the family."

Two pretty young ladies turned two pretty pairs of black eyes at me, and
waited for an answer: which they would have had, only the old lady began
rattling on a hundred stories about the thirteen ladies above named, and
all their lovers, all their disappointments, and all the duels of Mick
Hoggarty.  She was a chronicle of fifty-years-old scandal.  At last she
was interrupted by a violent fit of coughing; at the conclusion of which
Mr. Polonius very respectfully asked me where he should send the pin, and
whether I would like the hair kept.

"No," says I, "never mind the hair."

"And the pin, sir?"

I had felt ashamed about telling my address: "But, bang it!" thought I,
"why _should_ I?--

   'A king can make a belted knight,
      A marquess, duke, and a' that;
   An honest man's abune his might--
      Gude faith, he canna fa' that.'

Why need I care about telling these ladies where I live?"

"Sir," says I, "have the goodness to send the parcel, when done, to Mr.
Titmarsh, No. 3 Bell Lane, Salisbury Square, near St. Bride's Church,
Fleet Street.  Ring, if you please, the two-pair bell."

"_What_, sir?" said Mr. Polonius.

"_Hwat_!" shrieked the old lady.  "Mr. Hwat?  Mais, ma chere, c'est
impayable.  Come along--here's the carr'age!  Give me your arm, Mr. Hwat,
and get inside, and tell me all about your thirteen aunts."

She seized on my elbow and hobbled through the shop as fast as possible;
the young ladies following her, laughing.

"Now, jump in, do you hear?" said she, poking her sharp nose out of the
window.

"I can't, ma'am," says I; "I have a friend."

"Pooh, pooh! send 'um to the juice, and jump in!"  And before almost I
could say a word, a great powdered fellow in yellow-plush breeches pushed
me up the steps and banged the door to.

I looked just for one minute as the barouche drove away at Hoskins, and
never shall forget his figure.  There stood Gus, his mouth wide open, his
eyes staring, a smoking cheroot in his hand, wondering with all his might
at the strange thing that had just happened to me.

"Who _is_ that Titmarsh?" says Gus: "there's a coronet on the carriage,
by Jingo!"




CHAPTER III


HOW THE POSSESSOR OF THE DIAMOND IS WHISKED INTO A MAGNIFICENT CHARIOT,
AND HAS YET FURTHER GOOD LUCK

I sat on the back seat of the carriage, near a very nice young lady,
about my dear Mary's age--that is to say, seventeen and three-quarters;
and opposite us sat the old Countess and her other
grand-daughter--handsome too, but ten years older.  I recollect I had on
that day my blue coat and brass buttons, nankeen trousers, a white sprig
waist-coat, and one of Dando's silk hats, that had just come in in the
year '22, and looked a great deal more glossy than the best beaver.

"And who was that hidjus manster"--that was the way her Ladyship
pronounced,--"that ojous vulgar wretch, with the iron heels to his boots,
and the big mouth, and the imitation goold neck-chain, who _steered_ at
us so as we got into the carriage?"

How she should have known that Gus's chain was mosaic I can't tell; but
so it was, and we had bought it for five-and-twenty and sixpence only the
week before at M'Phail's, in St. Paul's Churchyard.  But I did not like
to hear my friend abused, and so spoke out for him--

"Ma'am," says I, "that young gentleman's name is Augustus Hoskins.  We
live together; and a better or more kind-hearted fellow does not exist."

"You are quite right to stand up for your friends, sir," said the second
lady; whose name, it appears, was Lady Jane, but whom the grandmamma
called Lady Jene.

"Well, upon me conscience, so he is now, Lady Jene; and I like sper't in
a young man.  So his name is Hoskins, is it?  I know, my dears, all the
Hoskinses in England.  There are the Lincolnshire Hoskinses, the
Shropshire Hoskinses: they say the Admiral's daughter, Bell, was in love
with a black footman, or boatswain, or some such thing; but the world's
so censorious.  There's old Doctor Hoskins of Bath, who attended poor
dear Drum in the quinsy; and poor dear old Fred Hoskins, the gouty
General: I remember him as thin as a lath in the year '84, and as active
as a harlequin, and in love with me--oh, how he was in love with me!"

"You seem to have had a host of admirers in those days, Grandmamma?" said
Lady Jane.

"Hundreds, my dear,--hundreds of thousands.  I was the toast of Bath, and
a great beauty, too: would you ever have thought it now, upon your
conscience and without flattery, Mr.-a-What-d'ye-call-'im?"

"Indeed, ma'am, I never should," I answered, for the old lady was as ugly
as possible; and at my saying this the two young ladies began screaming
with laughter, and I saw the two great-whiskered footmen grinning over
the back of the carriage.

"Upon my word, you're mighty candid, Mr. What's-your-name--mighty candid
indeed; but I like candour in young people.  But a beauty I was.  Just
ask your friend's uncle the General.  He's one of the Lincolnshire
Hoskinses--I knew he was by the strong family likeness.  Is he the eldest
son?  It's a pretty property, though sadly encumbered; for old Sir George
was the divvle of a man--a friend of Hanbury Williams, and Lyttleton, and
those horrid, monstrous, ojous people!  How much will he have now,
mister, when the Admiral dies?"

"Why, ma'am, I can't say; but the Admiral is not my friend's father."

"Not his father?--but he _is_, I tell you, and I'm never wrong.  Who is
his father, then?"

"Ma'am, Gus's father's a leatherseller in Skinner Street, Snow Hill,--a
very respectable house, ma'am.  But Gus is only third son, and so can't
expect a great share in the property."

The two young ladies smiled at this--the old lady said, "Hwat?"

"I like you, sir," Lady Jane said, "for not being ashamed of your
friends, whatever their rank of life may be.  Shall we have the pleasure
of setting you down anywhere, Mr. Titmarsh?"

"Noways particular, my Lady," says I.  "We have a holiday at our office
to-day--at least Roundhand gave me and Gus leave; and I shall be very
happy, indeed, to take a drive in the Park, if it's no offence."

"I'm sure it will give us--infinite pleasure," said Lady Jane; though
rather in a grave way.

"Oh, that it will!" says Lady Fanny, clapping her hands: "won't it,
Grandmamma?  And after we have been in the Park, we can walk in
Kensington Gardens, if Mr. Titmarsh will be good enough to accompany us."

"Indeed, Fanny, we will do no such thing," says Lady Jane.

"Indeed, but we will though!" shrieked out Lady Drum.  "Ain't I dying to
know everything about his uncle and thirteen aunts? and you're all
chattering so, you young women, that not a blessed syllable will you
allow me or my young friend here to speak."

Lady Jane gave a shrug with her shoulders, and did not say a single word
more.  Lady Fanny, who was as gay as a young kitten (if I may be allowed
so to speak of the aristocracy), laughed, and blushed, and giggled, and
seemed quite to enjoy her sister's ill-humour.  And the Countess began at
once, and entered into the history of the thirteen Misses Hoggarty, which
was not near finished when we entered the Park.

When there, you can't think what hundreds of gents on horseback came to
the carriage and talked to the ladies.  They had their joke for Lady
Drum, who seemed to be a character in her way; their bow for Lady Jane;
and, the young ones especially, their compliment for Lady Fanny.

Though she bowed and blushed, as a young lady should, Lady Fanny seemed
to be thinking of something else; for she kept her head out of the
carriage, looking eagerly among the horsemen, as if she expected to see
somebody.  Aha! my Lady Fanny, _I_ knew what it meant when a young pretty
lady like you was absent, and on the look-out, and only half answered the
questions put to her.  Let alone Sam Titmarsh--he knows what Somebody
means as well as another, I warrant.  As I saw these manoeuvres going on,
I could not help just giving a wink to Lady Jane, as much as to say I
knew what was what.  "I guess the young lady is looking for Somebody,"
says I.  It was then her turn to look queer, I assure you, and she
blushed as red as scarlet; but, after a minute, the good-natured little
thing looked at her sister, and both the young ladies put their
handkerchiefs up to their faces, and began laughing--laughing as if I had
said the funniest thing in the world.

"Il est charmant, votre monsieur," said Lady Jane to her grandmamma; and
on which I bowed, and said, "Madame, vous me faites beaucoup d'honneur:"
for I know the French language, and was pleased to find that these good
ladies had taken a liking to me.  "I'm a poor humble lad, ma'am, not used
to London society, and do really feel it quite kind of you to take me by
the hand so, and give me a drive in your fine carriage."

At this minute a gentleman on a black horse, with a pale face and a tuft
to his chin, came riding up to the carriage; and I knew by a little start
that Lady Fanny gave, and by her instantly looking round the other way,
that _Somebody_ was come at last.

"Lady Drum," said he, "your most devoted servant!  I have just been
riding with a gentleman who almost shot himself for love of the beautiful
Countess of Drum in the year--never mind the year."

"Was it Killblazes?" said the lady: "he's a dear old man, and I'm quite
ready to go off with him this minute.  Or was it that delight of an old
bishop?  He's got a lock of my hair now--I gave it him when he was Papa's
chaplain; and let me tell you it would be a hard matter to find another
now in the same place."

"Law, my Lady!" says I, "you don't say so?"

"But indeed I do, my good sir," says she; "for between ourselves, my
head's as bare as a cannon-ball--ask Fanny if it isn't.  Such a fright as
the poor thing got when she was a babby, and came upon me suddenly in my
dressing-room without my wig!"

"I hope Lady Fanny has recovered from the shock," said "Somebody,"
looking first at her, and then at me as if he had a mind to swallow me.
And would you believe it? all that Lady Fanny could say was, "Pretty
well, I thank you, my Lord;" and she said this with as much fluttering
and blushing as we used to say our Virgil at school--when we hadn't
learned it.

My Lord still kept on looking very fiercely at me, and muttered something
about having hoped to find a seat in Lady Drum's carriage, as he was
tired of riding; on which Lady Fanny muttered something, too, about "a
friend of Grandmamma's."

"You should say a friend of yours, Fanny," says Lady Jane: "I am sure we
should never have come to the Park if Fanny had not insisted upon
bringing Mr. Titmarsh hither.  Let me introduce the Earl of Tiptoff to
Mr. Titmarsh."  But, instead of taking off his hat, as I did mine, his
Lordship growled out that he hoped for another opportunity, and galloped
off again on his black horse.  Why the deuce I should have offended him I
never could understand.

But it seemed as if I was destined to offend all the men that day; for
who should presently come up but the Right Honourable Edmund Preston, one
of His Majesty's Secretaries of State (as I know very well by the almanac
in our office) and the husband of Lady Jane.

The Right Honourable Edmund was riding a grey cob, and was a fat pale-
faced man, who looked as if he never went into the open air.  "Who the
devil's that?" said he to his wife, looking surlily both at me and her.

"Oh, it's a friend of Grandmamma's and Jane's," said Lady Fanny at once,
looking, like a sly rogue as she was, quite archly at her sister--who in
her turn appeared quite frightened, and looked imploringly at her sister,
and never dared to breathe a syllable.  "Yes, indeed," continued Lady
Fanny, "Mr. Titmarsh is a cousin of Grandmamma's by the mother's side: by
the Hoggarty side.  Didn't you know the Hoggarties when you were in
Ireland, Edmund, with Lord Bagwig?  Let me introduce you to Grandmamma's
cousin, Mr. Titmarsh: Mr. Titmarsh, my brother, Mr. Edmund Preston."

There was Lady Jane all the time treading upon her sister's foot as hard
as possible, and the little wicked thing would take no notice; and I, who
had never heard of the cousinship, feeling as confounded as could be.  But
I did not know the Countess of Drum near so well as that sly minx her
grand-daughter did; for the old lady, who had just before called poor Gus
Hoskins her cousin, had, it appeared, the mania of fancying all the world
related to her, and said--

"Yes, we're cousins, and not very far removed.  Mick Hoggarty's
grandmother was Millicent Brady, and she and my Aunt Towzer were related,
as all the world knows; for Decimus Brady, of Ballybrady, married an own
cousin of Aunt Towzer's mother, Bell Swift--that was no relation of the
Dean's, my love, who came but of a so-so family--and isn't _that_ clear?"

"Oh, perfectly, Grandmamma," said Lady Jane, laughing, while the right
honourable gent still rode by us, looking sour and surly.

"And sure you knew the Hoggarties, Edmund?--the thirteen red-haired
girls--the nine graces, and four over, as poor Clanboy used to call them.
Poor Clan!--a cousin of yours and mine, Mr. Titmarsh, and sadly in love
with me he was too.  Not remember them _all_ now, Edmund?--not
remember?--not remember Biddy and Minny, and Thedy and Widdy, and Mysie
and Grizzy, and Polly and Dolly and the rest?"

"D--- the Miss Hoggarties, ma'am," said the right honourable gent; and he
said it with such energy, that his grey horse gave a sudden lash out that
well nigh sent him over his head.  Lady Jane screamed; Lady Fanny
laughed; old Lady Drum looked as if she did not care twopence, and said
"Serve you right for swearing, you ojous man you!"

"Hadn't you better come into the carriage, Edmund--Mr. Preston?" cried
out the lady, anxiously.

"Oh, I'm sure I'll slip out, ma'am," says I.

"Pooh--pooh! don't stir," said Lady Drum: "it's my carriage; and if Mr.
Preston chooses to swear at a lady of my years in that ojous vulgar
way--in that ojous vulgar way I repeat--I don't see why my friends should
be inconvenienced for him.  Let him sit on the dicky if he likes, or come
in and ride bodkin."  It was quite clear that my Lady Drum hated her
grandson-in-law heartily; and I've remarked somehow in families that this
kind of hatred is by no means uncommon.

Mr. Preston, one of His Majesty's Secretaries of State, was, to tell the
truth, in a great fright upon his horse, and was glad to get away from
the kicking plunging brute.  His pale face looked still paler than
before, and his hands and legs trembled, as he dismounted from the cob
and gave the reins to his servant.  I disliked the looks of the chap--of
the master, I mean--at the first moment he came up, when he spoke rudely
to that nice gentle wife of his; and I thought he was a cowardly fellow,
as the adventure of the cob showed him to be.  Heaven bless you! a baby
could have ridden it; and here was the man with his soul in his mouth at
the very first kick.

"Oh, quick! _do_ come in, Edmund," said Lady Fanny, laughing; and the
carriage steps being let down, and giving me a great scowl as he came in,
he was going to place himself in Lady Fanny's corner (I warrant you I
wouldn't budge from mine), when the little rogue cried out, "Oh, no! by
no means, Mr. Preston.  Shut the door, Thomas.  And oh! what fun it will
be to show all the world a Secretary of State riding bodkin!"

And pretty glum the Secretary of State looked, I assure you!

"Take my place, Edmund, and don't mind Fanny's folly," said Lady Jane,
timidly.

"Oh no!  Pray, madam, don't stir!  I'm comfortable, very comfortable; and
so I hope is this Mr.--this gentleman."

"Perfectly, I assure you," says I.  "I was going to offer to ride your
horse home for you, as you seemed to be rather frightened at it; but the
fact was, I was so comfortable here that really I _couldn't_ move."

Such a grin as old Lady Drum gave when I said that!--how her little eyes
twinkled, and her little sly mouth puckered up!  I couldn't help
speaking, for, look you, my blood was up.

"We shall always be happy of your company, Cousin Titmarsh," says she;
and handed me a gold snuff-box, out of which I took a pinch, and sneezed
with the air of a lord.

"As you have invited this gentleman into your carriage, Lady Jane
Preston, hadn't you better invite him home to dinner?" says Mr. Preston,
quite blue with rage.

"I invited him into my carriage," says the old lady; "and as we are going
to dine at your house, and you press it, I'm sure I shall be very happy
to see him there."

"I'm very sorry I'm engaged," said I.

"Oh, indeed, what a pity!" says Right Honourable Ned, still glowering at
his wife.  "What a pity that this gentleman--I forget his name--that your
friend, Lady Jane, is engaged!  I am sure you would have had such
gratification in meeting your relation in Whitehall."

Lady Drum was over-fond of finding out relations to be sure; but this
speech of Right Honourable Ned's was rather too much.  "Now, Sam," says
I, "be a man and show your spirit!"  So I spoke up at once, and said,
"Why, ladies, as the right honourable gent is so _very_ pressing, I'll
give up my engagement, and shall have sincere pleasure in cutting mutton
with him.  What's your hour, sir?"

He didn't condescend to answer, and for me I did not care; for, you see,
I did not intend to dine with the man, but only to give him a lesson of
manners.  For though I am but a poor fellow, and hear people cry out how
vulgar it is to eat peas with a knife, or ask three times for cheese, and
such like points of ceremony, there's something, I think, much more
vulgar than all this, and that is, insolence to one's inferiors.  I hate
the chap that uses it, as I scorn him of humble rank that affects to be
of the fashion; and so I determined to let Mr. Preston know a piece of my
mind.

When the carriage drove up to his house, I handed out the ladies as
politely as possible, and walked into the hall, and then, taking hold of
Mr. Preston's button at the door, I said, before the ladies and the two
big servants--upon my word I did--"Sir," says I, "this kind old lady
asked me into her carriage, and I rode in it to please her, not myself.
When you came up and asked who the devil I was, I thought you might have
put the question in a more polite manner; but it wasn't my business to
speak.  When, by way of a joke, you invited me to dinner, I thought I
would answer in a joke too, and here I am.  But don't be frightened; I'm
not a-going to dine with you: only if you play the same joke upon other
parties--on some of the chaps in our office, for example--I recommend you
to have a care, or they will _take you at your word_."

"Is that all, sir?" says Mr. Preston, still in a rage.  "If you have
done, will you leave this house, or shall my servants turn you out?  Turn
out this fellow! do you hear me?" and he broke away from me, and flung
into his study in a rage.

"He's an ojous horrid monsther of a man, that husband of yours!" said
Lady Drum, seizing hold of her elder grand-daughter's arm, "and I hate
him; and so come away, for the dinner'll be getting cold:" and she was
for hurrying away Lady Jane without more ado.  But that kind lady, coming
forward, looking very pale and trembling, said, "Mr. Titmarsh, I do hope
you'll not be angry--that is, that you'll forget what has happened, for,
believe me, it has given me very great--"

Very great what, I never could say, for here the poor thing's eyes filled
with tears; and Lady Drum crying out "Tut, tut! none of this nonsense,"
pulled her away by the sleeve, and went upstairs.  But little Lady Fanny
walked boldly up to me, and held me out her little hand, and gave mine
such a squeeze and said, "Good-bye, my dear Mr. Titmarsh," so very
kindly, that I'm blest if I did not blush up to the ears, and all the
blood in my body began to tingle.

So, when she was gone, I clapped my hat on my head, and walked out of the
hall-door, feeling as proud as a peacock and as brave as a lion; and all
I wished for was that one of those saucy grinning footmen should say or
do something to me that was the least uncivil, so that I might have the
pleasure of knocking him down, with my best compliments to his master.
But neither of them did me any such favour! and I went away and dined at
home off boiled mutton and turnips with Gus Hoskins quite peacefully.

I did not think it was proper to tell Gus (who, between ourselves, is
rather curious, and inclined to tittle-tattle) all the particulars of the
family quarrel of which I had been the cause and witness, and so just
said that the old lady--("They were the Drum arms," says Gus; "for I went
and looked them out that minute in the 'Peerage'")--that the old lady
turned out to be a cousin of mine, and that she had taken me to drive in
the Park.  Next day we went to the office as usual, when you may be sure
that Hoskins told everything of what had happened, and a great deal more;
and somehow, though I did not pretend to care sixpence about the matter,
I must confess that I _was_ rather pleased that the gents in our office
should hear of a part of my adventure.

But fancy my surprise, on coming home in the evening, to find Mrs. Stokes
the landlady, Miss Selina Stokes her daughter, and Master Bob Stokes her
son (an idle young vagabond that was always playing marbles on St.
Bride's steps and in Salisbury Square),--when I found them all bustling
and tumbling up the steps before me to our rooms on the second floor, and
there, on the table, between our two flutes on one side, my album, Gus's
"Don Juan" and "Peerage" on the other, I saw as follows:--

1.  A basket of great red peaches, looking like the cheeks of my dear
Mary Smith.

2.  A ditto of large, fat, luscious, heavy-looking grapes.

3.  An enormous piece of raw mutton, as I thought it was; but Mrs. Stokes
said it was the primest haunch of venison that ever she saw.

And three cards--viz.

DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUM.
LADY FANNY RAKES.

MR. PRESTON.
LADY JANE PRESTON.

EARL OF TIPTOFF.

"Sich a carriage!" says Mrs. Stokes (for that was the way the poor thing
spoke).  "Sich a carriage--all over coronites! sich liveries--two great
footmen, with red whiskers and yellow-plush small-clothes; and inside, a
very old lady in a white poke bonnet, and a young one with a great
Leghorn hat and blue ribands, and a great tall pale gentleman with a tuft
on his chin.

"'Pray, madam, does Mr. Titmarsh live here?' says the young lady, with
her clear voice.

"'Yes, my Lady,' says I; 'but he's at the office--the West Diddlesex Fire
and Life Office, Cornhill.'

"'Charles, get out the things,' says the gentleman, quite solemn.

"'Yes, my Lord,' says Charles; and brings me out the haunch in a
newspaper, and on the chany dish as you see it, and the two baskets of
fruit besides.

"'Have the kindness, madam,' says my Lord, 'to take these things to Mr.
Titmarsh's rooms, with our, with Lady Jane Preston's compliments, and
request his acceptance of them;' and then he pulled out the cards on your
table, and this letter, sealed with his Lordship's own crown."

And herewith Mrs. Stokes gave me a letter, which my wife keeps to this
day, by the way, and which runs thus:--

   "The Earl of Tiptoff has been commissioned by Lady Jane Preston to
   express her sincere regret and disappointment that she was not able
   yesterday to enjoy the pleasure of Mr. Titmarsh's company.  Lady Jane
   is about to leave town immediately: she will therefore be unable to
   receive her friends in Whitehall Place this season.  But Lord Tiptoff
   trusts that Mr. Titmarsh will have the kindness to accept some of the
   produce of her Ladyship's garden and park; with which, perhaps, he
   will entertain some of those friends in whose favour he knows so well
   how to speak."

Along with this was a little note, containing the words "Lady Drum at
home.  Friday evening, June 17."  And all this came to me because my aunt
Hoggarty had given me a diamond-pin!

I did not send back the venison: as why should I?  Gus was for sending it
at once to Brough, our director; and the grapes and peaches to my aunt in
Somersetshire.

"But no," says I; "we'll ask Bob Swinney and half-a-dozen more of our
gents; and we'll have a merry night of it on Saturday."  And a merry
night we had too; and as we had no wine in the cupboard, we had plenty of
ale, and gin-punch afterwards.  And Gus sat at the foot of the table, and
I at the head; and we sang songs, both comic and sentimental, and drank
toasts; and I made a speech that there is no possibility of mentioning
here, because, _entre nous_, I had quite forgotten in the morning
everything that had taken place after a certain period on the night
before.




CHAPTER IV


HOW THE HAPPY DIAMOND-WEARER DINES AT PENTONVILLE

I did not go to the office till half-an-hour after opening time on
Monday.  If the truth must be told, I was not sorry to let Hoskins have
the start of me, and tell the chaps what had taken place,--for we all
have our little vanities, and I liked to be thought well of by my
companions.

When I came in, I saw my business had been done, by the way in which the
chaps looked at me; especially Abednego, who offered me a pinch out of
his gold snuff-box the very first thing.  Roundhand shook me, too, warmly
by the hand, when he came round to look over my day-book, said I wrote a
capital hand (and indeed I believe I do, without any sort of flattery),
and invited me for dinner next Sunday, in Myddelton Square.  "You won't
have," said he, "quite such a grand turn-out as with _your friends at the
West End_"--he said this with a particular accent--"but Amelia and I are
always happy to see a friend in our plain way,--pale sherry, old port,
and cut and come again.  Hey?"

I said I would come and bring Hoskins too.

He answered that I was very polite, and that he should be very happy to
see Hoskins; and we went accordingly at the appointed day and hour; but
though Gus was eleventh clerk and I twelfth, I remarked that at dinner I
was helped first and best.  I had twice as many force-meat balls as
Hoskins in my mock-turtle, and pretty nearly all the oysters out of the
sauce-boat.  Once, Roundhand was going to help Gus before me; when his
wife, who was seated at the head of the table, looking very big and
fierce in red crape and a turban, shouted out, "ANTONY!" and poor R.
dropped the plate, and blushed as red as anything.  How Mrs. R. did talk
to me about the West End to be sure!  She had a "Peerage," as you may be
certain, and knew everything about the Drum family in a manner that quite
astonished me.  She asked me how much Lord Drum had a year; whether I
thought he had twenty, thirty, forty, or a hundred and fifty thousand a
year; whether I was invited to Drum Castle; what the young ladies wore,
and if they had those odious _gigot_ sleeves which were just coming in
then; and here Mrs. R. looked at a pair of large mottled arms that she
was very proud of.

"I say, Sam my boy!" cried, in the midst of our talk, Mr. Roundhand, who
had been passing the port-wine round pretty freely, "I hope you looked to
the main chance, and put in a few shares of the West Diddlesex,--hey?"

"Mr. Roundhand, have you put up the decanters downstairs?" cries the
lady, quite angry, and wishing to stop the conversation.

"No, Milly, I've emptied 'em," says R.

"Don't Milly me, sir! and have the goodness to go down and tell Lancy my
maid" (_a look at me_) "to make the tea in the study.  We have a
gentleman here who is not _used_ to Pentonville ways" (_another look_);
"but he won't mind the ways of _friends_."  And here Mrs. Roundhand
heaved her very large chest, and gave me a third look that was so severe,
that I declare to goodness it made me look quite foolish.  As to Gus, she
never so much as spoke to him all the evening; but he consoled himself
with a great lot of muffins, and sat most of the evening (it was a cruel
hot summer) whistling and talking with Roundhand on the verandah.  I
think I should like to have been with them,--for it was very close in the
room with that great big Mrs. Roundhand squeezing close up to one on the
sofa.

"Do you recollect what a jolly night we had here last summer?" I heard
Hoskins say, who was leaning over the balcony, and ogling the girls
coming home from church.  "You and me with our coats off, plenty of cold
rum-and-water, Mrs. Roundhand at Margate, and a whole box of Manillas?"

"Hush!" said Roundhand, quite eagerly; "Milly will hear."

But Milly didn't hear: for she was occupied in telling me an immense long
story about her waltzing with the Count de Schloppenzollern at the City
ball to the Allied Sovereigns; and how the Count had great large white
moustaches; and how odd she thought it to go whirling round the room with
a great man's arm round your waist.  "Mr. Roundhand has never allowed it
since our marriage--never; but in the year 'fourteen it was considered a
proper compliment, you know, to pay the sovereigns.  So twenty-nine young
ladies, of the best families in the City of London, I assure you, Mr.
Titmarsh--there was the Lord Mayor's own daughters; Alderman Dobbins's
gals; Sir Charles Hopper's three, who have the great house in Baker
Street; and your humble servant, who was rather slimmer in those
days--twenty-nine of us had a dancing-master on purpose, and practised
waltzing in a room over the Egyptian Hall at the Mansion House.  He was a
splendid man, that Count Schloppenzollern!"

"I am sure, ma'am," says I, "he had a splendid partner!" and blushed up
to my eyes when I said it.

"Get away, you naughty creature!" says Mrs. Roundhand, giving me a great
slap: "you're all the same, you men in the West End--all deceivers.  The
Count was just like you.  Heigho!  Before you marry, it's all honey and
compliments; when you win us, it's all coldness and indifference.  Look
at Roundhand, the great baby, trying to beat down a butterfly with his
yellow bandanna!  Can a man like _that_ comprehend me? can he fill the
void in my heart?"  (She pronounced it without the h; but that there
should be no mistake, laid her hand upon the place meant.)  "Ah, no!  Will
_you_ be so neglectful when _you_ marry, Mr. Titmarsh?"

As she spoke, the bells were just tolling the people out of church, and I
fell a-thinking of my dear dear Mary Smith in the country, walking home
to her grandmother's, in her modest grey cloak, as the bells were chiming
and the air full of the sweet smell of the hay, and the river shining in
the sun, all crimson, purple, gold, and silver.  There was my dear Mary a
hundred and twenty miles off, in Somersetshire, walking home from church
along with Mr. Snorter's family, with which she came and went; and I was
listening to the talk of this great leering vulgar woman.

I could not help feeling for a certain half of a sixpence that you have
heard me speak of; and putting my hand mechanically upon my chest, I tore
my fingers with the point of my new DIAMOND-PIN.  Mr. Polonius had sent
it home the night before, and I sported it for the first time at
Roundhand's to dinner.

"It's a beautiful diamond," said Mrs. Roundhand.  "I have been looking at
it all dinner-time.  How rich you must be to wear such splendid things!
and how can you remain in a vulgar office in the City--you who have such
great acquaintances at the West End?"

The woman had somehow put me in such a passion that I bounced off the
sofa, and made for the balcony without answering a word,--ay, and half
broke my head against the sash, too, as I went out to the gents in the
open air.  "Gus," says I, "I feel very unwell: I wish you'd come home
with me."  And Gus did not desire anything better; for he had ogled the
last girl out of the last church, and the night was beginning to fall.

"What! already?" said Mrs. Roundhand; "there is a lobster coming up,--a
trifling refreshment; not what he's accustomed to, but--"

I am sorry to say I nearly said, "D--- the lobster!" as Roundhand went
and whispered to her that I was ill.

"Ay," said Gus, looking very knowing.  "Recollect, Mrs. R., that he was
_at the West End_ on Thursday, asked to dine, ma'am, with the tip-top
nobs.  Chaps don't dine at the West End for nothing, do they, R.?  If you
play at _bowls_, you know--"

"You must look out for _rubbers_," said Roundhand, as quick as thought.

"Not in my house of a Sunday," said Mrs. R., looking very fierce and
angry.  "Not a card shall be touched here.  Are we in a Protestant land,
sir? in a Christian country?"

"My dear, you don't understand.  We were not talking of rubbers of
whist."

"There shall be _no_ game at all in the house of a Sabbath eve," said
Mrs. Roundhand; and out she flounced from the room, without ever so much
as wishing us good-night.

"Do stay," said the husband, looking very much frightened,--"do stay.  She
won't come back while you're here; and I do wish you'd stay so."

But we wouldn't: and when we reached Salisbury Square, I gave Gus a
lecture about spending his Sundays idly; and read out one of Blair's
sermons before we went to bed.  As I turned over in bed, I could not help
thinking about the luck the pin had brought me; and it was not over yet,
as you will see in the next chapter.




CHAPTER V


HOW THE DIAMOND INTRODUCES HIM TO A STILL MORE FASHIONABLE PLACE

To tell the truth, though, about the pin, although I mentioned it almost
the last thing in the previous chapter, I assure you it was by no means
the last thing in my thoughts.  It had come home from Mr. Polonius's, as
I said, on Saturday night; and Gus and I happened to be out enjoying
ourselves, half-price, at Sadler's Wells; and perhaps we took a little
refreshment on our way back: but that has nothing to do with my story.

On the table, however, was the little box from the jeweller's; and when I
took it out,--_my_, how the diamond did twinkle and glitter by the light
of our one candle!

"I'm sure it would light up the room of itself," says Gus.  "I've read
they do in--in history."

It was in the history of Cogia Hassan Alhabbal, in the "Arabian Nights,"
as I knew very well.  But we put the candle out, nevertheless, to try.

"Well, I declare to goodness it does illuminate the old place!" says Gus;
but the fact was, that there was a gas-lamp opposite our window, and I
believe that was the reason why we could see pretty well.  At least in my
bedroom, to which I was obliged to go without a candle, and of which the
window looked out on a dead wall, I could not see a wink, in spite of the
Hoggarty diamond, and was obliged to grope about in the dark for a
pincushion which Somebody gave me (I don't mind owning it was Mary
Smith), and in which I stuck it for the night.  But, somehow, I did not
sleep much for thinking of it, and woke very early in the morning; and,
if the truth must be told, stuck it in my night-gown, like a fool, and
admired myself very much in the glass.

Gus admired it as much as I did; for since my return, and especially
since my venison dinner and drive with Lady Drum, he thought I was the
finest fellow in the world, and boasted about his "West End friend"
everywhere.

As we were going to dine at Roundhand's, and I had no black satin stock
to set it off, I was obliged to place it in the frill of my best shirt,
which tore the muslin sadly, by the way.  However, the diamond had its
effect on my entertainers, as we have seen; rather too much perhaps on
one of them; and next day I wore it down at the office, as Gus would make
me do; though it did not look near so well in the second day's shirt as
on the first day, when the linen was quite clear and bright with
Somersetshire washing.

The chaps at the West Diddlesex all admired it hugely, except that
snarling Scotchman M'Whirter, fourth clerk,--out of envy because I did
not think much of a great yellow stone, named a carum-gorum, or some such
thing, which he had in a snuff-mull, as he called it,--all except
M'Whirter, I say, were delighted with it; and Abednego himself, who ought
to know, as his father was in the line, told me the jewel was worth at
least ten poundsh, and that his governor would give me as much for it.

"That's a proof," says Roundhand, "that Tit's diamond is worth at least
thirty."  And we all laughed, and agreed it was.

Now I must confess that all these praises, and the respect that wag paid
me, turned my head a little; and as all the chaps said I _must_ have a
black satin stock to set the stone off, was fool enough to buy a stock
that cost me five-and-twenty shillings, at Ludlam's in Piccadilly: for
Gus said I must go to the best place, to be sure, and have none of our
cheap and common East End stuff.  I might have had one for sixteen and
six in Cheapside, every whit as good; but when a young lad becomes vain,
and wants to be fashionable, you see he can't help being extravagant.

Our director, Mr. Brough, did not fail to hear of the haunch of venison
business, and my relationship with Lady Drum and the Right Honourable
Edmund Preston: only Abednego, who told him, said I was her Ladyship's
first cousin; and this made Brough think more of me, and no worse than
before.

Mr. B. was, as everybody knows, Member of Parliament for Rottenburgh; and
being considered one of the richest men in the City of London, used to
receive all the great people of the land at his villa at Fulham; and we
often read in the papers of the rare doings going on there.

Well, the pin certainly worked wonders: for not content merely with
making me a present of a ride in a countess's carriage, of a haunch of
venison and two baskets of fruit, and the dinner at Roundhand's above
described, my diamond had other honours in store for me, and procured me
the honour of an invitation to the house of our director, Mr. Brough.

Once a year, in June, that honourable gent gave a grand ball at his house
at Fulham; and by the accounts of the entertainment brought back by one
or two of our chaps who had been invited, it was one of the most
magnificent things to be seen about London.  You saw Members of
Parliament there as thick as peas in July, lords and ladies without end.
There was everything and everybody of the tip-top sort; and I have heard
that Mr. Gunter, of Berkeley Square, supplied the ices, supper, and
footmen,--though of the latter Brough kept a plenty, but not enough to
serve the host of people who came to him.  The party, it must be
remembered, was _Mrs_. Brough's party, not the gentleman's,--he being in
the Dissenting way, would scarcely sanction any entertainments of the
kind: but he told his City friends that his lady governed him in
everything; and it was generally observed that most of them would allow
their daughters to go to the ball if asked, on account of the immense
number of the nobility which our director assembled together: Mrs.
Roundhand, I know, for one, would have given one of her ears to go; but,
as I have said before, nothing would induce Brough to ask her.

Roundhand himself, and Gutch, nineteenth clerk, son of the brother of an
East Indian director, were the only two of our gents invited, as we knew
very well: for they had received their invitations many weeks before, and
bragged about them not a little.  But two days before the ball, and after
my diamond-pin had had its due effect upon the gents at the office,
Abednego, who had been in the directors' room, came to my desk with a
great smirk, and said, "Tit, Mr. B. says that he expects you will come
down with Roundhand to the ball on Thursday."  I thought Moses was
joking,--at any rate, that Mr. B.'s message was a queer one; for people
don't usually send invitations in that abrupt peremptory sort of way;
but, sure enough, he presently came down himself and confirmed it,
saying, as he was going out of the office, "Mr. Titmarsh, you will come
down on Thursday to Mrs. Brough's party, where you will see some
relations of yours."

"West End again!" says that Gus Hoskins; and accordingly down I went,
taking a place in a cab which Roundhand hired for himself, Gutch, and me,
and for which he very generously paid eight shillings.

There is no use to describe the grand gala, nor the number of lamps in
the lodge and in the garden, nor the crowd of carriages that came in at
the gates, nor the troops of curious people outside; nor the ices,
fiddlers, wreaths of flowers, and cold supper within.  The whole
description was beautifully given in a fashionable paper, by a reporter
who observed the same from the "Yellow Lion" over the way, and told it in
his journal in the most accurate manner; getting an account of the
dresses of the great people from their footmen and coachmen, when they
came to the alehouse for their porter.  As for the names of the guests,
they, you may be sure, found their way to the same newspaper: and a great
laugh was had at my expense, because among the titles of the great people
mentioned my name appeared in the list of the "Honourables."  Next day,
Brough advertised "a hundred and fifty guineas reward for an emerald
necklace lost at the party of John Brough, Esq., at Fulham;" though some
of our people said that no such thing was lost at all, and that Brough
only wanted to advertise the magnificence of his society; but this doubt
was raised by persons not invited, and envious no doubt.

Well, I wore my diamond, as you may imagine, and rigged myself in my best
clothes, viz. my blue coat and brass buttons before mentioned, nankeen
trousers and silk stockings, a white waistcoat, and a pair of white
gloves bought for the occasion.  But my coat was of country make, very
high in the waist and short in the sleeves, and I suppose must have
looked rather odd to some of the great people assembled, for they stared
at me a great deal, and a whole crowd formed to see me dance--which I did
to the best of my power, performing all the steps accurately and with
great agility, as I had been taught by our dancing-master in the country.

And with whom do you think I had the honour to dance?  With no less a
person than Lady Jane Preston; who, it appears, had not gone out of town,
and who shook me most kindly by the hand when she saw me, and asked me to
dance with her.  We had my Lord Tiptoff and Lady Fanny Rakes for our vis-
a-vis.

You should have seen how the people crowded to look at us, and admired my
dancing too, for I cut the very best of capers, quite different to the
rest of the gents (my Lord among the number), who walked through the
quadrille as if they thought it a trouble, and stared at my activity with
all their might.  But when I have a dance I like to enjoy myself: and
Mary Smith often said I was the very best partner at our assemblies.
While we were dancing, I told Lady Jane how Roundhand, Gutch, and I, had
come down three in a cab, besides the driver; and my account of our
adventures made her Ladyship laugh, I warrant you.  Lucky it was for me
that I didn't go back in the same vehicle; for the driver went and
intoxicated himself at the "Yellow Lion," threw out Gutch and our head
clerk as he was driving them back, and actually fought Gutch afterwards
and blacked his eye, because he said that Gutch's red waistcoat
frightened the horse.

Lady Jane, however, spared me such an uncomfortable ride home: for she
said she had a fourth place in her carriage, and asked me if I would
accept it; and positively, at two o'clock in the morning, there was I,
after setting the ladies and my Lord down, driven to Salisbury Square in
a great thundering carriage, with flaming lamps and two tall footmen, who
nearly knocked the door and the whole little street down with the noise
they made at the rapper.  You should have seen Gus's head peeping out of
window in his white nightcap!  He kept me up the whole night telling him
about the ball, and the great people I had seen there; and next day he
told at the office my stories, with his own usual embroideries upon them.

"Mr. Titmarsh," said Lady Fanny, laughing to me, "who is that great fat
curious man, the master of the house?  Do you know he asked me if you
were not related to us? and I said, 'Oh, yes, you were.'"

"Fanny!" says Lady Jane.

"Well," answered the other, "did not Grandmamma say Mr. Titmarsh was her
cousin?"

"But you know that Grandmamma's memory is not very good."

"Indeed, you're wrong, Lady Jane," says my Lord; "I think it's
prodigious."

"Yes, but not very--not very accurate."

"No, my Lady," says I; "for her Ladyship, the Countess of Drum, said, if
you remember, that my friend Gus Hoskins--"

"Whose cause you supported so bravely," cries Lady Fanny.

"--That my friend Gus is her Ladyship's cousin too, which cannot be, for
I know all his family: they live in Skinner Street and St. Mary Axe, and
are not--not quite so _respectable_ as _my_ relatives."

At this they all began to laugh; and my Lord said, rather haughtily--

"Depend upon it, Mr. Titmarsh, that Lady Drum is no more your cousin than
she is the cousin of your friend Mr. Hoskinson."

"Hoskins, my Lord--and so I told Gus; but you see he is very fond of me,
and _will_ have it that I am related to Lady D.: and say what I will to
the contrary, tells the story everywhere.  Though to be sure," added I
with a laugh, "it has gained me no small good in my time."  So I
described to the party our dinner at Mrs. Roundhand's, which all came
from my diamond-pin, and my reputation as a connection of the
aristocracy.  Then I thanked Lady Jane handsomely for her magnificent
present of fruit and venison, and told her that it had entertained a
great number of kind friends of mine, who had drunk her Ladyship's health
with the greatest gratitude.

"_A haunch of venison_!" cried Lady Jane, quite astonished; "indeed, Mr.
Titmarsh, I am quite at a loss to understand you."

As we passed a gas-lamp, I saw Lady Fanny laughing as usual, and turning
her great arch sparkling black eyes at Lord Tiptoff.

"Why, Lady Jane," said he, "if the truth must out, the great haunch of
venison trick was one of this young lady's performing.  You must know
that I had received the above-named haunch from Lord Guttlebury's park:
and knowing that Preston is not averse to Guttlebury venison, was telling
Lady Drum (in whose carriage I had a seat that day, as Mr. Titmarsh was
not in the way), that I intended the haunch for your husband's table.
Whereupon my Lady Fanny, clapping together her little hands, declared and
vowed that the venison should not go to Preston, but should be sent to a
gentleman about whose adventures on the day previous we had just been
talking--to Mr. Titmarsh, in fact; whom Preston, as Fanny vowed, had used
most cruelly, and to whom, she said, a reparation was due.  So my Lady
Fanny insists upon our driving straight to my rooms in the Albany (you
know I am only to stay in my bachelor's quarters a month longer)--"

"Nonsense!" says Lady Fanny.

"--Insists upon driving straight to my chambers in the Albany, extracting
thence the above-named haunch--"

"Grandmamma was very sorry to part with it," cries Lady Fanny.

"--And then she orders us to proceed to Mr. Titmarsh's house in the City,
where the venison was left, in company with a couple of baskets of fruit
bought at Grange's by Lady Fanny herself."

"And what was more," said Lady Fanny, "I made Grandmamma go into Fr--into
Lord Tiptoff's rooms, and dictated out of my own mouth the letter which
he wrote, and pinned up the haunch of venison that his hideous old
housekeeper brought us--I am quite jealous of her--I pinned up the haunch
of venison in a copy of the John Bull newspaper."

It had one of the Ramsbottom letters in it, I remember, which Gus and I
read on Sunday at breakfast, and we nearly killed ourselves with
laughing.  The ladies laughed too when I told them this; and good-natured
Lady Jane said she would forgive her sister, and hoped I would too: which
I promised to do as often as her Ladyship chose to repeat the offence.

I never had any more venison from the family; but I'll tell you _what_ I
had.  About a month after came a card of "Lord and Lady Tiptoff," and a
great piece of plum-cake; of which, I am sorry to say, Gus ate a great
deal too much.




CHAPTER VI


OF THE WEST DIDDLESEX ASSOCIATION, AND OF THE EFFECT THE DIAMOND HAD
THERE

Well, the magic of the pin was not over yet.  Very soon after Mrs.
Brough's grand party, our director called me up to his room at the West
Diddlesex, and after examining my accounts, and speaking awhile about
business, said, "That's a very fine diamond-pin, Master Titmarsh" (he
spoke in a grave patronising way), "and I called you on purpose to speak
to you upon the subject.  I do not object to seeing the young men of this
establishment well and handsomely dressed; but I know that their salaries
cannot afford ornaments like those, and I grieve to see you with a thing
of such value.  You have paid for it, sir,--I trust you have paid for it;
for, of all things, my dear--dear young friend, beware of debt."

I could not conceive why Brough was reading me this lecture about debt
and my having bought the diamond-pin, as I knew that he had been asking
about it already, and how I came by it--Abednego told me so.  "Why, sir,"
says I, "Mr. Abednego told me that he had told you that I had told him--"

"Oh, ay-by-the-bye, now I recollect, Mr. Titmarsh--I do recollect--yes;
though I suppose, sir, you will imagine that I have other more important
things to remember."

"Oh, sir, in course," says I.

"That one of the clerks _did_ say something about a pin--that one of the
other gentlemen had it.  And so your pin was given you, was it?"

"It was given me, sir, by my aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty,"
said I, raising my voice; for I was a little proud of Castle Hoggarty.

"She must be very rich to make such presents, Titmarsh?"

"Why, thank you, sir," says I, "she is pretty well off.  Four hundred a
year jointure; a farm at Slopperton, sir; three houses at Squashtail; and
three thousand two hundred loose cash at the banker's, as I happen to
know, sir,--_that's all_."

I did happen to know this, you see; because, while I was down in
Somersetshire, Mr. MacManus, my aunt's agent in Ireland, wrote to say
that a mortgage she had on Lord Brallaghan's property had just been paid
off, and that the money was lodged at Coutts's.  Ireland was in a very
disturbed state in those days; and my aunt wisely determined not to
invest her money in that country any more, but to look out for some good
security in England.  However, as she had always received six per cent.
in Ireland, she would not hear of a smaller interest; and had warned me,
as I was a commercial man, on coming to town, to look out for some means
by which she could invest her money at that rate at least.

"And how do you come to know Mrs. Hoggarty's property so accurately?"
said Mr. Brough; upon which I told him.

"Good heavens, sir! and do you mean that you, a clerk in the West
Diddlesex Insurance Office, applied to by a respectable lady as to the
manner in which she should invest property, never spoke to her about the
Company which you have the honour to serve?  Do you mean, sir, that you,
knowing there was a bonus of five per cent. for yourself upon shares
taken, did not press Mrs. Hoggarty to join us?"

"Sir," says I, "I'm an honest man, and would not take a bonus from my own
relation."

"Honest I know you are, my boy--give me your hand!  So am I honest--so is
every man in this Company honest; but we must be prudent as well.  We
have five millions of capital on our books, as you see--five _bona fide_
millions of _bona fide_ sovereigns paid up, sir,--there is no dishonesty
there.  But why should we not have twenty millions--a hundred millions?
Why should not this be the greatest commercial Association in the
world?--as it shall be, sir,--it shall, as sure as my name is John
Brough, if Heaven bless my honest endeavours to establish it!  But do you
suppose that it can be so, unless every man among us use his utmost
exertions to forward the success of the enterprise?  Never, sir,--never;
and, for me, I say so everywhere.  I glory in what I do.  There is not a
house in which I enter, but I leave a prospectus of the West Diddlesex.
There is not a single tradesman I employ, but has shares in it to some
amount.  My servants, sir,--my very servants and grooms, are bound up
with it.  And the first question I ask of anyone who applies to me for a
place is, Are you insured or a shareholder in the West Diddlesex? the
second, Have you a good character?  And if the first question is answered
in the negative, I say to the party coming to me, Then be a shareholder
before you ask for a place in my household.  Did you not see me--me, John
Brough, whose name is good for millions--step out of my coach-and-four
into this office, with four pounds nineteen, which I paid in to Mr.
Roundhand as the price of half a share for the porter at my lodge-gate?
Did you remark that I deducted a shilling from the five pound?"

"Yes, sir; it was the day you drew out eight hundred and seventy-three
ten and six--Thursday week," says I.

"And why did I deduct that shilling, sir?  Because it was _my
commission_--John Brough's commission; honestly earned by him, and openly
taken.  Was there any disguise about it?  No.  Did I do it for the love
of a shilling?  No," says Brough, laying his hand on his heart, "I did it
from _principle_,--from that motive which guides every one of my actions,
as I can look up to Heaven and say.  I wish all my young men to see my
example, and follow it: I wish--I pray that they may.  Think of that
example, sir.  That porter of mine has a sick wife and nine young
children: he is himself a sick man, and his tenure of life is feeble; he
has earned money, sir, in my service--sixty pounds and more--it is all
his children have to look to--all: but for that, in the event of his
death, they would be houseless beggars in the street.  And what have I
done for that family, sir?  I have put that money out of the reach of
Robert Gates, and placed it so that it shall be a blessing to his family
at his death.  Every farthing is invested in shares in this office; and
Robert Gates, my lodge-porter, is a holder of three shares in the West
Diddlesex Association, and, in that capacity, your master and mine.  Do
you think I want to _cheat_ Gates?"

"Oh, sir!" says I.

"To cheat that poor helpless man, and those tender innocent children!--you
can't think so, sir; I should be a disgrace to human nature if I did.  But
what boots all my energy and perseverance?  What though I place my
friends' money, my family's money, my own money--my hopes, wishes,
desires, ambitions--all upon this enterprise?  You young men will not do
so.  You, whom I treat with love and confidence as my children, make no
return to me.  When I toil, you remain still; when I struggle, you look
on.  Say the word at once,--you doubt me!  O heavens, that this should be
the reward of all my care and love for you!"

Here Mr. Brough was so affected that he actually burst into tears, and I
confess I saw in its true light the negligence of which I had been
guilty.

"Sir," says I, "I am very--very sorry: it was a matter of delicacy,
rather than otherwise, which induced me not to speak to my aunt about the
West Diddlesex."

"Delicacy, my dear dear boy--as if there can be any delicacy about making
your aunt's fortune!  Say indifference to me, say ingratitude, say
folly,--but don't say delicacy--no, no, not delicacy.  Be honest, my boy,
and call things by their right names--always do."

"It _was_ folly and ingratitude, Mr. Brough," says I: "I see it all now;
and I'll write to my aunt this very post."

"You had better do no such thing," says Brough, bitterly: "the stocks are
at ninety, and Mrs. Hoggarty can get three per cent. for her money."

"I _will_ write, sir,--upon my word and honour, I will write."

"Well, as your honour is passed, you must, I suppose; for never break
your word--no, not in a trifle, Titmarsh.  Send me up the letter when you
have done, and I'll frank it--upon my word and honour I will," says Mr.
Brough, laughing, and holding out his hand to me.

I took it, and he pressed mine very kindly--"You may as well sit down
here," says he, as he kept hold of it; "there is plenty of paper."

And so I sat down and mended a beautiful pen, and began and wrote,
"Independent West Diddlesex Association, June 1822," and "My dear Aunt,"
in the best manner possible.  Then I paused a little, thinking what I
should next say; for I have always found that difficulty about letters.
The date and My dear So-and-so one writes off immediately--it is the next
part which is hard; and I put my pen in my mouth, flung myself back in my
chair, and began to think about it.

"Bah!" said Brough, "are you going to be about this letter all day, my
good fellow?  Listen to me, and I'll dictate to you in a moment."  So he
began:--

   "My Dear Aunt,--Since my return from Somersetshire, I am very happy
   indeed to tell you that I have so pleased the managing director of our
   Association and the Board, that they have been good enough to appoint
   me third clerk--"

"Sir!" says I.

"Write what I say.  Mr. Roundhand, as has been agreed by the board
yesterday, quits the clerk's desk and takes the title of secretary and
actuary.  Mr. Highmore takes his place; Mr. Abednego follows him; and I
place you as third clerk--as

   "third clerk (write), with a salary of a hundred and fifty pounds per
   annum.  This news will, I know, gratify my dear mother and you, who
   have been a second mother to me all my life.

   "When I was last at home, I remember you consulted me as to the best
   mode of laying out a sum of money which was lying useless in your
   banker's hands.  I have since lost no opportunity of gaining what
   information I could: and situated here as I am, in the very midst of
   affairs, I believe, although very young, I am as good a person to
   apply to as many others of greater age and standing.

   "I frequently thought of mentioning to you our Association, but
   feelings of delicacy prevented me from doing so.  I did not wish that
   anyone should suppose that a shadow of self-interest could move me in
   any way.

   "But I believe, without any sort of doubt, that the West Diddlesex
   Association offers the best security that you can expect for your
   capital, and, at the same time, the highest interest you can anywhere
   procure.

   "The situation of the Company, as I have it from _the very best
   authority_ (underline that), is as follows:--

   "The subscribed and _bona fide_ capital is FIVE MILLIONS STERLING.

   "The body of directors you know.  Suffice it to say that the managing
   director is John Brough, Esq., of the firm of Brough and Hoff, a
   Member of Parliament, and a man as well known as Mr. Rothschild in the
   City of London.  His private fortune, I know for a fact, amounts to
   half a million; and the last dividends paid to the shareholders of the
   I. W. D. Association amounted to 6.125 per cent. per annum."

[That I know was the dividend declared by us.]

   "Although the shares in the market are at a very great premium, it is
   the privilege of the four first clerks to dispose of a certain number,
   5,000_l_. each at par; and if you, my dearest aunt, would wish for
   2,500_l_. worth, I hope you will allow me to oblige you by offering
   you so much of my new privileges.

   "Let me hear from you immediately upon the subject, as I have already
   an offer for the whole amount of my shares at market price."

"But I haven't, sir," says I.

"You have, sir.  _I_ will take the shares; but I want _you_.  I want as
many respectable persons in the Company as I can bring.  I want you
because I like you, and I don't mind telling you that I have views of my
own as well; for I am an honest man and say openly what I mean, and I'll
tell you _why_ I want you.  I can't, by the regulations of the Company,
have more than a certain number of votes, but if your aunt takes shares,
I expect--I don't mind owning it--that she will vote with me.  _Now_ do
you understand me?  My object is to be all in all with the Company; and
if I be, I will make it the most glorious enterprise that ever was
conducted in the City of London."

So I signed the letter and left it with Mr. B. to frank.

The next day I went and took my place at the third clerk's desk, being
led to it by Mr. B., who made a speech to the gents, much to the
annoyance of the other chaps, who grumbled about their services: though,
as for the matter of that, our services were very much alike: the Company
was only three years old, and the oldest clerk in it had not six months'
more standing in it than I.  "Look out," said that envious M'Whirter to
me.  "Have you got money, or have any of your relations money? or are any
of them going to put it into the concern?"

I did not think fit to answer him, but took a pinch out of his mull, and
was always kind to him; and he, to say the truth, was always most civil
to me.  As for Gus Hoskins, he began to think I was a superior being; and
I must say that the rest of the chaps behaved very kindly in the matter,
and said that if one man were to be put over their heads before another,
they would have pitched upon me, for I had never harmed any of them, and
done little kindnesses to several.

"I know," says Abednego, "how you got the place.  It was I who got it
you.  I told Brough you were a cousin of Preston's, the Lord of the
Treasury, had venison from him and all that; and depend upon it he
expects that you will be able to do him some good in that quarter."

I think there was some likelihood in what Abednego said, because our
governor, as we called him, frequently spoke to me about my cousin; told
me to push the concern in the West End of the town, get as many noblemen
as we could to insure with us, and so on.  It was in vain I said I could
do nothing with Mr. Preston.  "Bah! bah!" says Mr. Brough, "don't tell
_me_.  People don't send haunches of venison to you for nothing;" and I'm
convinced he thought I was a very cautious prudent fellow, for not
bragging about my great family, and keeping my connection with them a
secret.  To be sure he might have learned the truth from Gus, who lived
with me; but Gus would insist that I was hand in glove with all the
nobility, and boasted about me ten times as much as I did myself.

The chaps used to call me the "West Ender."

"See," thought I, "what I have gained by Aunt Hoggarty giving me a
diamond-pin!  What a lucky thing it is that she did not give me the
money, as I hoped she would!  Had I not had the pin--had I even taken it
to any other person but Mr. Polonius, Lady Drum would never have noticed
me; had Lady Drum never noticed me, Mr. Brough never would, and I never
should have been third clerk of the West Diddlesex."

I took heart at all this, and wrote off on the very evening of my
appointment to my dearest Mary Smith, giving her warning that a "certain
event," for which one of us was longing very earnestly, might come off
sooner than we had expected.  And why not?  Miss S.'s own fortune was
70_l_. a year, mine was 150_l_., and when we had 300_l_., we always vowed
we would marry.  "Ah!" thought I, "if I could but go to Somersetshire
now, I might boldly walk up to old Smith's door" (he was her grandfather,
and a half-pay lieutenant of the navy), "I might knock at the knocker and
see my beloved Mary in the parlour, and not be obliged to sneak behind
hayricks on the look-out for her, or pelt stones at midnight at her
window."

My aunt, in a few days, wrote a pretty gracious reply to my letter.  She
had not determined, she said, as to the manner in which she should employ
her three thousand pounds, but should take my offer into consideration;
begging me to keep my shares open for a little while, until her mind was
made up.

What, then, does Mr. Brough do?  I learned afterwards, in the year 1830,
when he and the West Diddlesex Association had disappeared altogether,
how he had proceeded.

"Who are the attorneys at Slopperton?" says he to me in a careless way.

"Mr. Ruck, sir," says I, "is the Tory solicitor, and Messrs. Hodge and
Smithers the Liberals."  I knew them very well, for the fact is, before
Mary Smith came to live in our parts, I was rather partial to Miss Hodge,
and her great gold-coloured ringlets; but Mary came and soon put _her_
nose out of joint, as the saying is.

"And you are of what politics?"

"Why, sir, we are Liberals."  I was rather ashamed of this, for Mr.
Brough was an out-and-out Tory; but Hodge and Smithers is a most
respectable firm.  I brought up a packet from them to Hickson, Dixon,
Paxton, and Jackson, _our_ solicitors, who are their London
correspondents.

Mr. Brough only said, "Oh, indeed!" and did not talk any further on the
subject, but began admiring my diamond-pin very much.

"Titmarsh, my dear boy," says he, "I have a young lady at Fulham who is
worth seeing, I assure you, and who has heard so much about you from her
father (for I like you, my boy, I don't care to own it), that she is
rather anxious to see you too.  Suppose you come down to us for a week?
Abednego will do your work."

"Law, sir! you are very kind," says I.

"Well, you shall come down; and I hope you will like my claret.  But hark
ye!  I don't think, my dear fellow, you are quite smart enough--quite
well enough dressed.  Do you understand me?"

"I've my blue coat and brass buttons at home, sir."

"What! that thing with the waist between your shoulders that you wore at
Mrs. Brough's party?"  (It _was_ rather high-waisted, being made in the
country two years before.)  "No--no, that will never do.  Get some new
clothes, sir,--two new suits of clothes."

"Sir!" says I, "I'm already, if the truth must be told, very short of
money for this quarter, and can't afford myself a new suit for a long
time to come."

"Pooh, pooh! don't let that annoy you.  Here's a ten-pound note--but no,
on second thoughts, you may as well go to my tailor's.  I'll drive you
down there: and never mind the bill, my good lad!"  And drive me down he
actually did, in his grand coach-and-four, to Mr. Von Stiltz, in Clifford
Street, who took my measure, and sent me home two of the finest coats
ever seen, a dress-coat and a frock, a velvet waist-coat, a silk ditto,
and three pairs of pantaloons, of the most beautiful make.  Brough told
me to get some boots and pumps, and silk stockings for evenings; so that
when the time came for me to go down to Fulham, I appeared as handsome as
any young nobleman, and Gus said that "I looked, by Jingo, like a regular
tip-top swell."

In the meantime the following letter had been sent down to Hodge and
Smithers:--

   "RAM ALLEY, CORNHILL, LONDON: _July_ 1822.

   "DEAR SIRS,

   * * * * *

   [This part being on private affairs relative to the cases of Dixon v.
   Haggerstony, Snodgrass v. Rubbidge and another, I am not permitted to
   extract.]

   * * * * *

   "Likewise we beg to hand you a few more prospectuses of the
   Independent West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, of which
   we have the honour to be the solicitors in London.  We wrote to you
   last year, requesting you to accept the Slopperton and Somerset agency
   for the same, and have been expecting for some time back that either
   shares or assurances should be effected by you.

   "The capital of the Company, as you know, is five millions sterling
   (say 5,000,000_l_.), and we are in a situation to offer more than the
   usual commission to our agents of the legal profession.  We shall be
   happy to give a premium of 6 per cent. for shares to the amount of
   1,000_l_., 6.5 per cent. above a thousand, to be paid immediately upon
   the taking of the shares.

   "I am, dear Sirs, for self and partners,
   Yours most faithfully,
   SAMUEL JACKSON."

This letter, as I have said, came into my hands some time afterwards.  I
knew nothing of it in the year 1822, when, in my new suit of clothes, I
went down to pass a week at the Rookery, Fulham, residence of John
Brough, Esquire, M.P.




CHAPTER VII


HOW SAMUEL TITMARSH REACHED THE HIGHEST POINT OF PROSPERITY

If I had the pen of a George Robins, I might describe the Rookery
properly: suffice it, however, to say it is a very handsome country
place; with handsome lawns sloping down to the river, handsome
shrubberies and conservatories, fine stables, outhouses, kitchen-gardens,
and everything belonging to a first-rate _rus in urbe_, as the great
auctioneer called it when he hammered it down some years after.

I arrived on a Saturday at half-an-hour before dinner: a grave gentleman
out of livery showed me to my room; a man in a chocolate coat and gold
lace, with Brough's crest on the buttons, brought me a silver shaving-pot
of hot water on a silver tray; and a grand dinner was ready at six, at
which I had the honour of appearing in Von Stiltz's dress-coat and my new
silk stockings and pumps.

Brough took me by the hand as I came in, and presented me to his lady, a
stout fair-haired woman, in light blue satin; then to his daughter, a
tall, thin, dark-eyed girl, with beetle-brows, looking very ill-natured,
and about eighteen.

"Belinda my love," said her papa, "this young gentleman is one of my
clerks, who was at our ball."

"Oh, indeed!" says Belinda, tossing up her head.

"But not a common clerk, Miss Belinda,--so, if you please, we will have
none of your aristocratic airs with him.  He is a nephew of the Countess
of Drum; and I hope he will soon be very high in our establishment, and
in the city of London."

At the name of Countess (I had a dozen times rectified the error about
our relationship), Miss Belinda made a low curtsey, and stared at me very
hard, and said she would try and make the Rookery pleasant to any friend
of Papa's.  "We have not much _monde_ to-day," continued Miss Brough,
"and are only in _petit comite_; but I hope before you leave us you will
see some _societe_ that will make your _sejour_ agreeable."

I saw at once that she was a fashionable girl, from her using the French
language in this way.

"Isn't she a fine girl?" said Brough, whispering to me, and evidently as
proud of her as a man could be.  "Isn't she a fine girl--eh, you dog?  Do
you see breeding like that in Somersetshire?"

"No, sir, upon my word!" answered I, rather slily; for I was thinking all
the while how "Somebody" was a thousand times more beautiful, simple, and
ladylike.

"And what has my dearest love been doing all day?" said her papa.

"Oh, Pa!  I have _pinced_ the harp a little to Captain Fizgig's flute.
Didn't I, Captain Fizgig?"

Captain the Honourable Francis Fizgig said, "Yes, Brough, your fair
daughter _pinced_ the harp, and _touched_ the piano, and _egratigned_ the
guitar, and _ecorched_ a song or two; and we had the pleasure of a
_promenade a l'eau_,--of a walk upon the water."

"Law, Captain!" cries Mrs. Brough, "walk on the water?"

"Hush, Mamma, you don't understand French!" says Miss Belinda, with a
sneer.

"It's a sad disadvantage, madam," says Fizgig, gravely; "and I recommend
you and Brough here, who are coming out in the great world, to have some
lessons; or at least get up a couple of dozen phrases, and introduce them
into your conversation here and there.  I suppose, sir, you speak it
commonly at the office, Mr. What you call it?"  And Mr. Fizgig put his
glass into his eye and looked at me.

"We speak English, sir," says I, "knowing it better than French."

"Everybody has not had your opportunities," Miss Brough, continued the
gentleman.  "Everybody has not _voyage_ like _nous autres_, hey?  _Mais
que voulez-vous_, my good sir? you must stick to your cursed ledgers and
things.  What's the French for ledger, Miss Belinda?"

"How can you ask?  _Je n'en scais rien_, I'm sure."

"You should learn, Miss Brough," said her father.  "The daughter of a
British merchant need not be ashamed of the means by which her father
gets his bread.  _I'm_ not ashamed--I'm not proud.  Those who know John
Brough, know that ten years ago he was a poor clerk like my friend
Titmarsh here, and is now worth half-a-million.  Is there any man in the
House better listened to than John Brough?  Is there any duke in the land
that can give a better dinner than John Brough; or a larger fortune to
his daughter than John Brough?  Why, sir, the humble person now speaking
to you could buy out many a German duke!  But I'm not proud--no, no, not
proud.  There's my daughter--look at her--when I die, she will be
mistress of my fortune; but am I proud?  No!  Let him who can win her,
marry her, that's what I say.  Be it you, Mr. Fizgig, son of a peer of
the realm; or you, Bill Tidd.  Be it a duke or a shoeblack, what do I
care, hey?--what do I care?"

"O-o-oh!" sighed the gent who went by the name of Bill Tidd: a very pale
young man, with a black riband round his neck instead of a handkerchief,
and his collars turned down like Lord Byron.  He was leaning against the
mantelpiece, and with a pair of great green eyes ogling Miss Brough with
all his might.

"Oh, John--my dear John!" cried Mrs. Brough, seizing her husband's hand
and kissing it, "you are an angel, that you are!"

"Isabella, don't flatter me; I'm a _man_,--a plain downright citizen of
London, without a particle of pride, except in you and my daughter
here--my two Bells, as I call them!  This is the way that we live,
Titmarsh my boy: ours is a happy, humble, Christian home, and that's all.
Isabella, leave go my hand!"

"Mamma, you mustn't do so before company; it's odious!" shrieked Miss B.;
and Mamma quietly let the hand fall, and heaved from her ample bosom a
great large sigh.  I felt a liking for that simple woman, and a respect
for Brough too.  He couldn't be a bad man, whose wife loved him so.

Dinner was soon announced, and I had the honour of leading in Miss B.,
who looked back rather angrily, I thought, at Captain Fizgig, because
that gentleman had offered his arm to Mrs. Brough.  He sat on the right
of Mrs. Brough, and Miss flounced down on the seat next to him, leaving
me and Mr. Tidd to take our places at the opposite side of the table.

At dinner there was turbot and soup first, and boiled turkey afterwards
of course.  How is it that at all the great dinners they have this
perpetual boiled turkey?  It was real turtle-soup: the first time I had
ever tasted it; and I remarked how Mrs. B., who insisted on helping it,
gave all the green lumps of fat to her husband, and put several slices of
the breast of the bird under the body, until it came to his turn to be
helped.

"I'm a plain man," says John, "and eat a plain dinner.  I hate your
kickshaws, though I keep a French cook for those who are not of my way of
thinking.  I'm no egotist, look you; I've no prejudices; and Miss there
has her bechamels and fallals according to her taste.  Captain, try the
_volly-vong_."

We had plenty of champagne and old madeira with dinner, and great silver
tankards of porter, which those might take who chose.  Brough made
especially a boast of drinking beer; and, when the ladies retired, said,
"Gentlemen, Tiggins will give you an unlimited supply of wine: there's no
stinting here;" and then laid himself down in his easy-chair and fell
asleep.

"He always does so," whispered Mr. Tidd to me.

"Get some of that yellow-sealed wine, Tiggins," says the Captain.  "That
other claret we had yesterday is loaded, and disagrees with me
infernally!"

I must say I liked the yellow seal much better than Aunt Hoggarty's
Rosolio.

I soon found out what Mr. Tidd was, and what he was longing for.

"Isn't she a glorious creature?" says he to me.

"Who, sir?" says I.

"Miss Belinda, to be sure!" cried Tidd.  "Did mortal ever look upon eyes
like hers, or view a more sylph-like figure?"

"She might have a little more flesh, Mr. Tidd," says the Captain, "and a
little less eyebrow.  They look vicious, those scowling eyebrows, in a
girl.  _Qu'en dites-vous_, Mr. Titmarsh, as Miss Brough would say?"

"I think it remarkably good claret, sir," says I.

"Egad, you're the right sort of fellow!" says the Captain.  "_Volto
sciolto_, eh?  You respect our sleeping host yonder?"

"That I do, sir, as the first man in the city of London, and my managing
director."

"And so do I," says Tidd; "and this day fortnight, when I'm of age, I'll
prove my confidence too."

"As how?" says I.

"Why, sir, you must know that I come into--ahem--a considerable property,
sir, on the 14th of July, which my father made--in business."

"Say at once he was a tailor, Tidd."

"He _was_ a tailor, sir,--but what of that?  I've had a University
education, and have the feelings of a gentleman; as much--ay, perhaps,
and more, than some members of an effete aristocracy."

"Tidd, don't be severe!" says the Captain, drinking a tenth glass.

"Well, Mr. Titmarsh, when of age I come into a considerable property; and
Mr. Brough has been so good as to say he can get me twelve hundred a year
for my twenty thousand pounds, and I have promised to invest them."

"In the West Diddlesex, sir?" says I--"in our office?"

"No, in another company, of which Mr. Brough is director, and quite as
good a thing.  Mr. Brough is a very old friend of my family, sir, and he
has taken a great liking to me; and he says that with my talents I ought
to get into Parliament; and then--and then! after I have laid out my
patrimony, I may look to _matrimony_, you see!"

"Oh, you designing dog!" said the Captain.  "When I used to lick you at
school, who ever would have thought that I was thrashing a sucking
statesman?"

"Talk away, boys!" said Brough, waking out of his sleep; "I only sleep
with half an eye, and hear you all.  Yes, you shall get into Parliament,
Tidd my man, or my name's not Brough!  You shall have six per cent. for
your money, or never believe me!  But as for my daughter--ask _her_, and
not me. You, or the Captain, or Titmarsh, may have her, if you can get
her.  All I ask in a son-in-law is, that he should be, as every one of
you is, an honourable and high-minded man!"

Tidd at this looked very knowing; and as our host sank off to sleep
again, pointed archly at his eyebrows, and wagged his head at the
Captain.

"Bah!" says the Captain.  "I say what I think; and you may tell Miss
Brough if you like."  And so presently this conversation ended, and we
were summoned in to coffee.  After which the Captain sang songs with Miss
Brough; Tidd looked at her and said nothing; I looked at prints, and Mrs.
Brough sat knitting stockings for the poor.  The Captain was sneering
openly at Miss Brough and her affected ways and talk; but in spite of his
bullying contemptuous way I thought she seemed to have a great regard for
him, and to bear his scorn very meekly.

At twelve Captain Fizgig went off to his barracks at Knightsbridge, and
Tidd and I to our rooms.  Next day being Sunday, a great bell woke us at
eight, and at nine we all assembled in the breakfast-room, where Mr.
Brough read prayers, a chapter, and made an exhortation afterwards, to us
and all the members of the household; except the French cook, Monsieur
Nontong-paw, whom I could see, from my chair, walking about in the
shrubberies in his white night-cap, smoking a cigar.

Every morning on week-days, punctually at eight, Mr. Brough went through
the same ceremony, and had his family to prayers; but though this man was
a hypocrite, as I found afterwards, I'm not going to laugh at the family
prayers, or say he was a hypocrite _because_ he had them.  There are many
bad and good men who don't go through the ceremony at all; but I am sure
the good men would be the better for it, and am not called upon to settle
the question with respect to the bad ones; and therefore I have passed
over a great deal of the religious part of Mr. Brough's behaviour:
suffice it, that religion was always on his lips; that he went to church
thrice every Sunday, when he had not a party; and if he did not talk
religion with us when we were alone, had a great deal to say upon the
subject upon occasions, as I found one day when we had a Quaker and
Dissenter party to dine, and when his talk was as grave as that of any
minister present.  Tidd was not there that day,--for nothing could make
him forsake his Byron riband or refrain from wearing his collars turned
down; so Tidd was sent with the buggy to Astley's.  "And hark ye,
Titmarsh my boy," said he, "leave your diamond pin upstairs: our friends
to-day don't like such gewgaws; and though for my part I am no enemy to
harmless ornaments, yet I would not shock the feelings of those who have
sterner opinions.  You will see that my wife and Miss Brough consult my
wishes in this respect."  And so they did,--for they both came down to
dinner in black gowns and tippets; whereas Miss B. had commonly her dress
half off her shoulders.

The Captain rode over several times to see us; and Miss Brough seemed
always delighted to see _him_.  One day I met him as I was walking out
alone by the river, and we had a long talk together.

"Mr. Titmarsh," says he, "from what little I have seen of you, you seem
to be an honest straight-minded young fellow; and I want some information
that you can give.  Tell me, in the first place, if you will--and upon my
honour it shall go no farther--about this Insurance Company of yours?  You
are in the City, and see how affairs are going on.  Is your concern a
stable one?"

"Sir," said I, "frankly then, and upon my honour too, I believe it is.  It
has been set up only four years, it is true; but Mr. Brough had a great
name when it was established, and a vast connection.  Every clerk in the
office has, to be sure, in a manner, paid for his place, either by taking
shares himself, or by his relations taking them.  I got mine because my
mother, who is very poor, devoted a small sum of money that came to us to
the purchase of an annuity for herself and a provision for me.  The
matter was debated by the family and our attorneys, Messrs. Hodge and
Smithers, who are very well known in our part of the country; and it was
agreed on all hands that my mother could not do better with her money for
all of us than invest it in this way.  Brough alone is worth half a
million of money, and his name is a host in itself.  Nay, more: I wrote
the other day to an aunt of mine, who has a considerable sum of money in
loose cash, and who had consulted me as to the disposal of it, to invest
it in our office.  Can I give you any better proof of my opinion of its
solvency?"

"Did Brough persuade you in any way?"

"Yes, he certainly spoke to me: but he very honestly told me his motives,
and tells them to us all as honestly.  He says, 'Gentlemen, it is my
object to increase the connection of the office, as much as possible.  I
want to crush all the other offices in London.  Our terms are lower than
any office, and we can bear to have them lower, and a great business will
come to us that way.  But we must work ourselves as well.  Every single
shareholder and officer of the establishment must exert himself, and
bring us customers,--no matter for how little they are engaged--engage
them: that is the great point.'  And accordingly our Director makes all
his friends and servants shareholders: his very lodge-porter yonder is a
shareholder; and he thus endeavours to fasten upon all whom he comes
near.  I, for instance, have just been appointed over the heads of our
gents, to a much better place than I held.  I am asked down here, and
entertained royally: and why?  Because my aunt has three thousand pounds
which Mr. Brough wants her to invest with us."

"That looks awkward, Mr. Titmarsh."

"Not a whit, sir: he makes no disguise of the matter.  When the question
is settled one way or the other, I don't believe Mr. Brough will take any
further notice of me.  But he wants me now.  This place happened to fall
in just at the very moment when he had need of me; and he hopes to gain
over my family through me.  He told me as much as we drove down.  'You
are a man of the world, Titmarsh,' said he; 'you know that I don't give
you this place because you are an honest fellow, and write a good hand.
If I had a lesser bribe to offer you at the moment, I should only have
given you that; but I had no choice, and gave you what was in my power.'"

"That's fair enough; but what can make Brough so eager for such a small
sum as three thousand pounds?"

"If it had been ten, sir, he would have been not a bit more eager.  You
don't know the city of London, and the passion which our great men in the
share-market have for increasing their connection.  Mr. Brough, sir,
would canvass and wheedle a chimney-sweep in the way of business.  See,
here is poor Tidd and his twenty thousand pounds.  Our Director has taken
possession of him just in the same way.  He wants all the capital he can
lay his hands on."

"Yes, and suppose he runs off with the capital?"

"Mr. Brough, of the firm of Brough and Hoff, sir?  Suppose the Bank of
England runs off!  But here we are at the lodge-gate.  Let's ask Gates,
another of Mr. Brough's victims."  And we went in and spoke to old Gates.

"Well, Mr. Gates," says I, beginning the matter cleverly, "you are one of
my masters, you know, at the West Diddlesex yonder?"

"Yees, sure," says old Gates, grinning.  He was a retired servant, with a
large family come to him in his old age.

"May I ask you what your wages are, Mr. Gates, that you can lay by so
much money, and purchase shares in our Company?"

Gates told us his wages; and when we inquired whether they were paid
regularly, swore that his master was the kindest gentleman in the world:
that he had put two of his daughters into service, two of his sons to
charity schools, made one apprentice, and narrated a hundred other
benefits that he had received from the family.  Mrs. Brough clothed half
the children; master gave them blankets and coats in winter, and soup and
meat all the year round.  There never was such a generous family, sure,
since the world began.

"Well, sir," said I to the Captain, "does that satisfy you?  Mr. Brough
gives to these people fifty times as much as he gains from them; and yet
he makes Mr. Gates take shares in our Company."

"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, "you are an honest fellow; and I
confess your argument sounds well.  Now tell me, do you know anything
about Miss Brough and her fortune?"

"Brough will leave her everything--or says so."  But I suppose the
Captain saw some particular expression in my countenance, for he laughed
and said--

"I suppose, my dear fellow, you think she's dear at the price.  Well, I
don't know that you are far wrong."

"Why, then, if I may make so bold, Captain Fizgig, are you always at her
heels?"

"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, "I owe twenty thousand pounds;" and he
went back to the house directly, and proposed for her.

I thought this rather cruel and unprincipled conduct on the gentleman's
part; for he had been introduced to the family by Mr. Tidd, with whom he
had been at school, and had supplanted Tidd entirely in the great
heiress's affections.  Brough stormed, and actually swore at his daughter
(as the Captain told me afterwards) when he heard that the latter had
accepted Mr. Fizgig; and at last, seeing the Captain, made him give his
word that the engagement should be kept secret for a few months.  And
Captain F. only made a confidant of me, and the mess, as he said: but
this was after Tidd had paid his twenty thousand pounds over to our
governor, which he did punctually when he came of age.  The same day,
too, he proposed for the young lady, and I need not say was rejected.
Presently the Captain's engagement began to be whispered about: all his
great relations, the Duke of Doncaster, the Earl of Cinqbars, the Earl of
Crabs, &c. came and visited the Brough family; the Hon. Henry Ringwood
became a shareholder in our Company, and the Earl of Crabs offered to be.
Our shares rose to a premium; our Director, his lady, and daughter were
presented at Court; and the great West Diddlesex Association bid fair to
be the first Assurance Office in the kingdom.

A very short time after my visit to Fulham, my dear aunt wrote to me to
say that she had consulted with her attorneys, Messrs. Hodge and
Smithers, who strongly recommended that she should invest the sum as I
advised.  She had the sum invested, too, in my name, paying me many
compliments upon my honesty and talent; of which, she said, Mr. Brough
had given her the most flattering account.  And at the same time my aunt
informed me that at her death the shares should be my own.  This gave me
a great weight in the Company, as you may imagine.  At our next annual
meeting, I attended in my capacity as a shareholder, and had great
pleasure in hearing Mr. Brough, in a magnificent speech, declare a
dividend of six per cent., that we all received over the counter.

"You lucky young scoundrel!" said Brough to me; "do you know what made me
give you your place?"

"Why, my aunt's money, to be sure, sir," said I.

"No such thing.  Do you fancy I cared for those paltry three thousand
pounds?  I was told you were nephew of Lady Drum; and Lady Drum is
grandmother of Lady Jane Preston; and Mr. Preston is a man who can do us
a world of good.  I knew that they had sent you venison, and the deuce
knows what; and when I saw Lady Jane at my party shake you by the hand,
and speak to you so kindly, I took all Abednego's tales for gospel.
_That_ was the reason you got the place, mark you, and not on account of
your miserable three thousand pounds.  Well, sir, a fortnight after you
were with us at Fulham, I met Preston in the House, and made a merit of
having given the place to his cousin.  'Confound the insolent scoundrel!'
said he; '_he_ my cousin!  I suppose you take all old Drum's stories for
true?  Why, man, it's her mania: she never is introduced to a man but she
finds out a cousinship, and would not fail of course with that cur of a
Titmarsh!'  'Well,' said I, laughing, 'that cur has got a good place in
consequence, and the matter can't be mended.'  So you see," continued our
Director, "that you were indebted for your place, not to your aunt's
money, but--"

"But to MY AUNT'S DIAMOND PIN!"

"Lucky rascal!" said Brough, poking me in the side and going out of the
way.  And lucky, in faith, I thought I was.




CHAPTER VIII


RELATES THE HAPPIEST DAY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH'S LIFE

I don't know how it was that in the course of the next six months Mr.
Roundhand, the actuary, who had been such a profound admirer of Mr.
Brough and the West Diddlesex Association, suddenly quarrelled with both,
and taking his money out of the concern, he disposed of his 5,000_l_.
worth of shares to a pretty good profit, and went away, speaking
everything that was evil both of the Company and the Director.

Mr. Highmore now became secretary and actuary, Mr. Abednego was first
clerk, and your humble servant was second in the office at a salary of
250_l_. a year.  How unfounded were Mr. Roundhand's aspersions of the
West Diddlesex appeared quite clearly at our meeting in January, 1823,
when our Chief Director, in one of the most brilliant speeches ever
heard, declared that the half-yearly dividend was 4_l_. per cent., at the
rate of 8_l_. per cent. per annum; and I sent to my aunt 120_l_. sterling
as the amount of the interest of the stock in my name.

My excellent aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, delighted beyond measure, sent me back
10_l_. for my own pocket, and asked me if she had not better sell
Slopperton and Squashtail, and invest all her money in this admirable
concern.

On this point I could not surely do better than ask the opinion of Mr.
Brough.  Mr. B. told me that shares could not be had but at a premium;
but on my representing that I knew of 5,000_l_. worth in the market at
par, he said--"Well, if so, he would like a fair price for his, and would
not mind disposing of 5,000_l_. worth, as he had rather a glut of West
Diddlesex shares, and his other concerns wanted feeding with ready
money."  At the end of our conversation, of which I promised to report
the purport to Mrs. Hoggarty, the Director was so kind as to say that he
had determined on creating a place of private secretary to the Managing
Director, and that I should hold that office with an additional salary of
150_l_.

I had 250_l_. a year, Miss Smith had 70_l_. per annum to her fortune.
What had I said should be my line of conduct whenever I could realise
300_l_. a year?

Gus of course, and all the gents in our office through him, knew of my
engagement with Mary Smith.  Her father had been a commander in the navy
and a very distinguished officer; and though Mary, as I have said, only
brought me a fortune of 70_l_. a year, and I, as everybody said, in my
present position in the office and the City of London, might have
reasonably looked out for a lady with much more money, yet my friends
agreed that the connection was very respectable, and I was content: as
who would not have been with such a darling as Mary?  I am sure, for my
part, I would not have taken the Lord Mayor's own daughter in place of
Mary, even with a plum to her fortune.

Mr. Brough of course was made aware of my approaching marriage, as of
everything else relating to every clerk in the office; and I do believe
Abednego told him what we had for dinner every day.  Indeed, his
knowledge of our affairs was wonderful.

He asked me how Mary's money was invested.  It was in the three per cent.
consols--2,333_l_. 6_s_. 8_d_.

"Remember," says he, "my lad, Mrs. Sam Titmarsh that is to be may have
seven per cent. for her money at the very least, and on better security
than the Bank of England; for is not a Company of which John Brough is
the head better than any other company in England?" and to be sure I
thought he was not far wrong, and promised to speak to Mary's guardians
on the subject before our marriage.  Lieutenant Smith, her grandfather,
had been at the first very much averse to our union.  (I must confess
that, one day finding me alone with her, and kissing, I believe, the tips
of her little fingers, he had taken me by the collar and turned me out of
doors.)  But Sam Titmarsh, with a salary of 250_l_. a year, a promised
fortune of 150_l_. more, and the right-hand man of Mr. John Brough of
London, was a very different man from Sam the poor clerk, and the poor
clergyman's widow's son; and the old gentleman wrote me a kind letter
enough, and begged me to get him six pairs of lamb's-wool stockings and
four ditto waistcoats from Romanis', and accepted them too as a present
from me when I went down in June--in happy June of 1823--to fetch my dear
Mary away.

Mr. Brough was likewise kindly anxious about my aunt's Slopperton and
Squashtail property, which she had not as yet sold, as she talked of
doing; and, as Mr. B. represented, it was a sin and a shame that any
person in whom he took such interest, as he did in all the relatives of
his dear young friend, should only have three per cent. for her money,
when she could have eight elsewhere.  He always called me Sam now,
praised me to the other young men (who brought the praises regularly to
me), said there was a cover always laid for me at Fulham, and repeatedly
took me thither.  There was but little company when I went; and M'Whirter
used to say he only asked me on days when he had his vulgar
acquaintances.  But I did not care for the great people, not being born
in their sphere; and indeed did not much care for going to the house at
all.  Miss Belinda was not at all to my liking.  After her engagement
with Captain Fizgig, and after Mr. Tidd had paid his 20,000_l_. and
Fizgig's great relations had joined in some of our Director's companies,
Mr. Brough declared he believed that Captain Fizgig's views were
mercenary, and put him to the proof at once, by saying that he must take
Miss Brough without a farthing, or not have her at all.  Whereupon
Captain Fizgig got an appointment in the colonies, and Miss Brough became
more ill-humoured than ever.  But I could not help thinking she was rid
of a bad bargain, and pitying poor Tidd, who came back to the charge
again more love-sick than ever, and was rebuffed pitilessly by Miss
Belinda.  Her father plainly told Tidd, too, that his visits were
disagreeable to Belinda, and though he must always love and value him, he
begged him to discontinue his calls at the Rookery.  Poor fellow! he had
paid his 20,000_l_. away for nothing! for what was six per cent. to him
compared to six per cent. and the hand of Miss Belinda Brough?

Well, Mr. Brough pitied the poor love-sick swain, as he called me, so
much, and felt such a warm sympathy in my well-being, that he insisted on
my going down to Somersetshire with a couple of months' leave; and away I
went, as happy as a lark, with a couple of brand-new suits from Von
Stiltz's in my trunk (I had them made, looking forward to a certain
event), and inside the trunk Lieutenant Smith's fleecy hosiery; wrapping
up a parcel of our prospectuses and two letters from John Brough, Esq.,
to my mother our worthy annuitant, and to Mrs. Hoggarty our excellent
shareholder.  Mr. Brough said I was all that the fondest father could
wish, that he considered me as his own boy, and that he earnestly begged
Mrs. Hoggarty not to delay the sale of her little landed property, as
land was high now and _must fall_; whereas the West Diddlesex Association
shares were (comparatively) low, and must inevitably, in the course of a
year or two, double, treble, quadruple their present value.

In this way I was prepared, and in this way I took leave of my dear Gus.
As we parted in the yard of the "Bolt-in-Tun," Fleet Street, I felt that
I never should go back to Salisbury Square again, and had made my little
present to the landlady's family accordingly.  She said I was the
respectablest gentleman she had ever had in her house: nor was that
saying much, for Bell Lane is in the Rules of the Fleet, and her lodgers
used commonly to be prisoners on Rule from that place.  As for Gus, the
poor fellow cried and blubbered so that he could not eat a morsel of the
muffins and grilled ham with which I treated him for breakfast in the
"Bolt-in-Tun" coffee-house; and when I went away was waving his hat and
his handkerchief so in the archway of the coach-office that I do believe
the wheels of the "True Blue" went over his toes, for I heard him roaring
as we passed through the arch.  Ah! how different were my feelings as I
sat proudly there on the box by the side of Jim Ward, the coachman, to
those I had the last time I mounted that coach, parting from my dear Mary
and coming to London with my DIAMOND PIN!

When arrived near home (at Grumpley, three miles from our village, where
the "True Blue" generally stops to take a glass of ale at the Poppleton
Arms) it was as if our Member, Mr. Poppleton himself, was come into the
country, so great was the concourse of people assembled round the inn.
And there was the landlord of the inn and all the people of the village.
Then there was Tom Wheeler, the post-boy, from Mrs. Rincer's
posting-hotel in our town; he was riding on the old bay posters, and
they, Heaven bless us! were drawing my aunt's yellow chariot, in which
she never went out but thrice in a year, and in which she now sat in her
splendid cashmere shawl and a new hat and feather.  She waved a white
handkerchief out of the window, and Tom Wheeler shouted out "Huzza!" as
did a number of the little blackguard boys of Grumpley: who, to be sure,
would huzza for anything.  What a change on Tom Wheeler's part, however!
I remembered only a few years before how he had whipped me from the box
of the chaise, as I was hanging on for a ride behind.

Next to my aunt's carriage came the four-wheeled chaise of Lieutenant
Smith, R.N., who was driving his old fat pony with his lady by his side.
I looked in the back seat of the chaise, and felt a little sad at seeing
that _Somebody_ was not there.  But, O silly fellow! there was Somebody
in the yellow chariot with my aunt, blushing like a peony, I declare, and
looking so happy!--oh, so happy and pretty!  She had a white dress, and a
light blue and yellow scarf, which my aunt said were the Hoggarty
colours; though what the Hoggartys had to do with light blue and yellow,
I don't know to this day.

Well, the "True Blue" guard made a great bellowing on his horn as his
four horses dashed away; the boys shouted again; I was placed bodkin
between Mrs. Hoggarty and Mary; Tom Wheeler cut into his bays; the
Lieutenant (who had shaken me cordially by the hand, and whose big dog
did not make the slightest attempt at biting me this time) beat his pony
till its fat sides lathered again; and thus in this, I may say,
unexampled procession, I arrived in triumph at our village.

My dear mother and the girls,--Heaven bless them!--nine of them in their
nankeen spencers (I had something pretty in my trunk for each of
them)--could not afford a carriage, but had posted themselves on the road
near the village; and there was such a waving of hands and handkerchiefs:
and though my aunt did not much notice them, except by a majestic toss of
the head, which is pardonable in a woman of her property, yet Mary Smith
did even more than I, and waved her hands as much as the whole nine.  Ah!
how my dear mother cried and blessed me when we met, and called me her
soul's comfort and her darling boy, and looked at me as if I were a
paragon of virtue and genius: whereas I was only a very lucky young
fellow, that by the aid of kind friends had stepped rapidly into a very
pretty property.

I was not to stay with my mother,--that had been arranged beforehand; for
though she and Mrs. Hoggarty were not remarkably good friends, yet Mother
said it was for my benefit that I should stay with my aunt, and so give
up the pleasure of having me with her: and though hers was much the
humbler house of the two, I need not say I preferred it far to Mrs.
Hoggarty's more splendid one; let alone the horrible Rosolio, of which I
was obliged now to drink gallons.

It was to Mrs. H.'s then we were driven: she had prepared a great dinner
that evening, and hired an extra waiter, and on getting out of the
carriage, she gave a sixpence to Tom Wheeler, saying that was for
himself, and that she would settle with Mrs. Rincer for the horses
afterwards.  At which Tom flung the sixpence upon the ground, swore most
violently, and was very justly called by my aunt an "impertinent fellow."

She had taken such a liking to me that she would hardly bear me out of
her sight.  We used to sit for morning after morning over her accounts,
debating for hours together the propriety of selling the Slopperton
property; but no arrangement was come to yet about it, for Hodge and
Smithers could not get the price she wanted.  And, moreover, she vowed
that at her decease she would leave every shilling to me.

Hodge and Smithers, too, gave a grand party, and treated me with marked
consideration; as did every single person of the village.  Those who
could not afford to give dinners gave teas, and all drank the health of
the young couple; and many a time after dinner or supper was my Mary made
to blush by the allusions to the change in her condition.

The happy day for that ceremony was now fixed, and the 24th July, 1823,
saw me the happiest husband of the prettiest girl in Somersetshire.  We
were married from my mother's house, who would insist upon that at any
rate, and the nine girls acted as bridesmaids; ay! and Gus Hoskins came
from town express to be my groomsman, and had my old room at my mother's,
and stayed with her for a week, and cast a sheep's-eye upon Miss Winny
Titmarsh too, my dear fourth sister, as I afterwards learned.

My aunt was very kind upon the marriage ceremony, indeed.  She had
desired me some weeks previous to order three magnificent dresses for
Mary from the celebrated Madame Mantalini of London, and some elegant
trinkets and embroidered pocket-handkerchiefs from Howell and James's.
These were sent down to me, and were to be _my_ present to the bride; but
Mrs. Hoggarty gave me to understand that I need never trouble myself
about the payment of the bill, and I thought her conduct very generous.
Also she lent us her chariot for the wedding journey, and made with her
own hands a beautiful crimson satin reticule for Mrs. Samuel Titmarsh,
her dear niece.  It contained a huswife completely furnished with
needles, &c., for she hoped Mrs. Titmarsh would never neglect her needle;
and a purse containing some silver pennies, and a very curious pocket-
piece.  "As long as you keep these, my dear," said Mrs. Hoggarty, "you
will never want; and fervently--fervently do I pray that you will keep
them."  In the carriage-pocket we found a paper of biscuits and a bottle
of Rosolio.  We laughed at this, and made it over to Tom Wheeler--who,
however, did not seem to like it much better than we.

I need not say I was married in Mr. Von Stiltz's coat (the third and
fourth coats, Heaven help us! in a year), and that I wore sparkling in my
bosom the GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND.




CHAPTER IX


BRINGS BACK SAM, HIS WIFE, AUNT, AND DIAMOND, TO LONDON

We pleased ourselves during the honeymoon with forming plans for our life
in London, and a pretty paradise did we build for ourselves!  Well, we
were but forty years old between us; and, for my part, I never found any
harm come of castle-building, but a great deal of pleasure.

Before I left London I had, to say the truth, looked round me for a
proper place, befitting persons of our small income; and Gus Hoskins and
I, who hunted after office-hours in couples, bad fixed on a very snug
little cottage in Camden Town, where there was a garden that certain
_small people_ might play in when they came: a horse and gig-house, if
ever we kept one,--and why not, in a few years?--and a fine healthy air,
at a reasonable distance from 'Change; all for 30_l_. a year.  I had
described this little spot to Mary as enthusiastically as Sancho
describes Lizias to Don Quixote; and my dear wife was delighted with the
prospect of housekeeping there, vowed she would cook all the best dishes
herself (especially jam-pudding, of which I confess I am very fond), and
promised Gus that he should dine with us at Clematis Bower every Sunday:
only he must not smoke those horrid cigars.  As for Gus, he vowed he
would have a room in the neighbourhood too, for he could not bear to go
back to Bell Lane, where we two had been so happy together; and so good-
natured Mary said she would ask my sister Winny to come and keep her
company.  At which Hoskins blushed, and said, "Pooh! nonsense now."

But all our hopes of a happy snug Clematis Lodge were dashed to the
ground on our return from our little honeymoon excursion; when Mrs.
Hoggarty informed us that she was sick of the country, and was determined
to go to London with her dear nephew and niece, and keep house for them,
and introduce them to her friends in the metropolis.

What could we do?  We wished her at--Bath: certainly not in London.  But
there was no help for it; and we were obliged to bring her: for, as my
mother said, if we offended her, her fortune would go out of our family;
and were we two young people not likely to want it?

So we came to town rather dismally in the carriage, posting the whole
way; for the carriage must be brought, and a person of my aunt's rank in
life could not travel by the stage.  And I had to pay 14_l_. for the
posters, which pretty nearly exhausted all my little hoard of cash.

First we went into lodgings,--into three sets in three weeks.  We
quarrelled with the first landlady, because my aunt vowed that she cut a
slice off the leg of mutton which was served for our dinner; from the
second lodgings we went because aunt vowed the maid would steal the
candles; from the third we went because Aunt Hoggarty came down to
breakfast the morning after our arrival with her face shockingly swelled
and bitten by--never mind what.  To cut a long tale short, I was half mad
with the continual choppings and changings, and the long stories and
scoldings of my aunt.  As for her great acquaintances, none of them were
in London; and she made it a matter of quarrel with me that I had not
introduced her to John Brough, Esquire, M.P., and to Lord and Lady
Tiptoff, her relatives.

Mr. Brough was at Brighton when we arrived in town; and on his return I
did not care at first to tell our Director that I had brought my aunt
with me, or mention my embarrassments for money.  He looked rather
serious when perforce I spoke of the latter to him and asked for an
advance; but when he heard that my lack of money had been occasioned by
the bringing of my aunt to London, his tone instantly changed.  "That, my
dear boy, alters the question; Mrs. Hoggarty is of an age when all things
must be yielded to her.  Here are a hundred pounds; and I beg you to draw
upon me whenever you are in the least in want of money."  This gave me
breathing-time until she should pay her share of the household expenses.
And the very next day Mr. and Mrs. John Brough, in their splendid
carriage-and-four, called upon Mrs. Hoggarty and my wife at our lodgings
in Lamb's Conduit Street.

It was on the very day when my poor aunt appeared with her face in that
sad condition; and she did not fail to inform Mrs. Brough of the cause,
and to state that at Castle Hoggarty, or at her country place in
Somersetshire, she had never heard or thought of such vile odious things.

"Gracious heavens!" shouted John Brough, Esquire, "a lady of your rank to
suffer in this way!--the excellent relative of my dear boy, Titmarsh!
Never, madam--never let it be said that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty
should be subject to such horrible humiliation, while John Brough has a
home to offer her,--a humble, happy, Christian home, madam; though
unlike, perhaps, the splendour to which you have been accustomed in the
course of your distinguished career.  Isabella my love!--Belinda! speak
to Mrs. Hoggarty.  Tell her that John Brough's house is hers from garret
to cellar.  I repeat it, madam, from garret to cellar.  I desire--I
insist--I order, that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty's trunks should be
placed this instant in my carriage!  Have the goodness to look to them
yourself, Mrs. Titmarsh, and see that your dear aunt's comforts are
better provided for than they have been."

Mary went away rather wondering at this order.  But, to be sure, Mr.
Brough was a great man, and her Samuel's benefactor; and though the silly
child absolutely began to cry as she packed and toiled at Aunt's enormous
valises, yet she performed the work, and came down with a smiling face to
my aunt, who was entertaining Mr. and Mrs. Brough with a long and
particular account of the balls at the Castle, in Dublin, in Lord
Charleville's time.

"I have packed the trunks, Aunt, but I am not strong enough to bring them
down," said Mary.

"Certainly not, certainly not," said John Brough, perhaps a little
ashamed.  "Hallo!  George, Frederic, Augustus, come upstairs this
instant, and bring down the trunks of Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty,
which this young lady will show you."

Nay, so great was Mr. Brough's condescension, that when some of his
fashionable servants refused to meddle with the trunks, he himself seized
a pair of them with both bands, carried them to the carriage, and shouted
loud enough for all Lamb's Conduit Street to hear, "John Brough is not
proud--no, no; and if his footmen are too high and mighty, he'll show
them a lesson of humility."

Mrs. Brough was for running downstairs too, and taking the trunks from
her husband; but they were too heavy for her, so she contented herself
with sitting on one, and asking all persons who passed her, whether John
Brough was not an angel of a man?

In this way it was that my aunt left us.  I was not aware of her
departure, for I was at the office at the time; and strolling back at
five with Gus, saw my dear Mary smiling and bobbing from the window, and
beckoning to us both to come up.  This I thought was very strange,
because Mrs. Hoggarty could not abide Hoskins, and indeed had told me
repeatedly that either she or he must quit the house.  Well, we went
upstairs, and there was Mary, who had dried her tears and received us
with the most smiling of faces, and laughed and clapped her hands, and
danced, and shook Gus's hand.  And what do you think the little rogue
proposed?  I am blest if she did not say she would like to go to
Vauxhall!

As dinner was laid for three persons only, Gus took his seat with fear
and trembling; and then Mrs. Sam Titmarsh related the circumstances which
had occurred, and how Mrs. Hoggarty had been whisked away to Fulham in
Mr. Brough's splendid carriage-and-four.  "Let her go," I am sorry to
say, said I; and indeed we relished our veal-cutlets and jam-pudding a
great deal more than Mrs. Hoggarty did her dinner off plate at the
Rookery.

We had a very merry party to Vauxhall, Gus insisting on standing treat;
and you may be certain that my aunt, whose absence was prolonged for
three weeks, was heartily welcome to remain away, for we were much
merrier and more comfortable without her.  My little Mary used to make my
breakfast before I went to office of mornings; and on Sundays we had a
holiday, and saw the dear little children eat their boiled beef and
potatoes at the Foundling, and heard the beautiful music: but, beautiful
as it is, I think the children were a more beautiful sight still, and the
look of their innocent happy faces was better than the best sermon.  On
week-days Mrs. Titmarsh would take a walk about five o'clock in the
evening on the _left_-hand side of Lamb's Conduit Street (as you go to
Holborn)--ay, and sometimes pursue her walk as far as Snow Hill, when two
young gents from the I. W. D. Fire and Life were pretty sure to meet her;
and then how happily we all trudged off to dinner!  Once we came up as a
monster of a man, with high heels and a gold-headed cane, and whiskers
all over his face, was grinning under Mary's bonnet, and chattering to
her, close to Day and Martin's Blacking Manufactory (not near such a
handsome thing then as it is now)--there was the man chattering and
ogling his best, when who should come up but Gus and I?  And in the
twinkling of a pegpost, as Lord Duberley says, my gentleman was seized by
the collar of his coat and found himself sprawling under a stand of
hackney-coaches; where all the watermen were grinning at him.  The best
of it was, he left his _head of hair and whiskers_ in my hand: but Mary
said, "Don't be hard upon him, Samuel; it's only a Frenchman."  And so we
gave him his wig back, which one of the grinning stable-boys put on and
carried to him as he lay in the straw.

He shrieked out something about "arretez," and "Francais," and "champ-
d'honneur;" but we walked on, Gus putting his thumb to his nose and
stretching out his finger at Master Frenchman.  This made everybody
laugh; and so the adventure ended.

About ten days after my aunt's departure came a letter from her, of which
I give a copy:--

   "My Dear Nephew,--It was my earnest whish e'er this to have returned
   to London, where I am sure you and my niece Titmarsh miss me very
   much, and where she, poor thing, quite inexperienced in the ways of
   'the great metropulus,' in aconamy, and indeed in every qualaty
   requasit in a good wife and the mistress of a famaly, can hardly
   manidge, I am sure, without me.

   "Tell her _on no account_ to pay more than 6.5_d_. for the prime
   pieces, 4.75_d_. for soup meat; and that the very best of London
   butter is to be had for 8.5_d_.; of course, for pudns and the kitchin
   you'll employ a commoner sort.  My trunks were sadly packed by Mrs.
   Titmarsh, and the hasp of the portmantyou-lock has gone through my
   yellow satn.  I have darned it, and woar it already twice, at two
   ellygant (though quiat) evening-parties given by my _hospatable_ host;
   and my pegreen velvet on Saturday at a grand dinner, when Lord
   Scaramouch handed me to table.  Everything was in the most _sumptious
   style_.  Soup top and bottom (white and brown), removed by turbit and
   sammon with _immense boles of lobster-sauce_.  Lobsters alone cost
   15_s_.  Turbit, three guineas.  The hole sammon, weighing, I'm sure,
   15 lbs., and _never seen_ at table again; not a bitt of pickled sammon
   the hole weak afterwards.  This kind of extravigance would _just suit_
   Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who, as I always say, burns _the candle at both
   ends_.  Well, young people, it is lucky for you you have an old aunt
   who knows better, and has a long purse; without witch, I dare say,
   _some_ folks would be glad to see her out of doors.  I don't mean you,
   Samuel, who have, I must say, been a dutiful nephew to me.  Well, I
   dare say I shan't live long, and some folks won't be sorry to have me
   in my grave.

   "Indeed, on Sunday I was taken in my stomick very ill, and thought it
   might have been the lobster-sauce; but Doctor Blogg, who was called
   in, said it was, he very much feared, _cumsumptive_; but gave me some
   pills and a draft wh made me better.  Please call upon him--he lives
   at Pimlico, and you can walk out there after office hours--and present
   him with 1_l_. 1_s_., with my compliments.  I have no money here but a
   10_l_. note, the rest being locked up in my box at Lamb's Cundit
   Street.

   "Although the flesh is not neglected in Mr. B.'s sumptious
   establishment, I can assure you the _sperrit_ is likewise cared for.
   Mr. B. reads and igspounds every morning; and o but his exorcises
   refresh the hungry sole before breakfast!  Everything is in the
   handsomest style,--silver and goold plate at breakfast, lunch, and
   dinner; and his crest and motty, a beehive, with the Latn word
   _Industria_, meaning industry, on _everything_--even on the chany
   juggs and things in my bedd-room.  On Sunday we were favoured by a
   special outpouring from the Rev. Grimes Wapshot, of the Amabaptist
   Congrigation here, and who egshorted for 3 hours in the afternoon in
   Mr. B.'s private chapel.  As the widow of a Hoggarty, I have always
   been a staunch supporter of the established Church of England and
   Ireland; but I must say Mr. Wapshot's stirring way was far superior to
   that of the Rev. Bland Blenkinsop of the Establishment, who lifted up
   his voice after dinner for a short discourse of two hours.

   "Mrs. Brough is, between ourselves, a poor creature, and has no
   sperrit of her own.  As for Miss B., she is so saucy that once I
   promised to box her years; and would have left the house, had not Mr.
   B. taken my part, and Miss made me a suitable apollogy.

   "I don't know when I shall return to town, being made really so
   welcome here.  Dr. Blogg says the air of Fulham is the best in the
   world for my simtums; and as the ladies of the house do not choose to
   walk out with me, the Rev. Grimes Wapshot has often been kind enough
   to lend me his arm, and 'tis sweet with such a guide to wander both to
   Putney and Wandsworth, and igsamin the wonderful works of nature.  I
   have spoke to him about the Slopperton property, and he is not of Mr.
   B.'s opinion that I should sell it; but on this point I shall follow
   my own counsel.

   "Meantime you must gett into more comfortable lodgings, and lett my
   bedd be warmed every night, and of rainy days have a fire in the
   grate: and let Mrs. Titmarsh look up my blue silk dress, and turn it
   against I come; and there is my purple spencer she can have for
   herself; and I hope she does not wear those three splendid gowns you
   gave her, but keep them until _better times_.  I shall soon introduse
   her to my friend Mr. Brough, and others of my acquaintances; and am
   always

   "Your loving AUNT.

   "I have ordered a chest of the Rosolio to be sent from Somersetshire.
   When it comes, please to send half down here (paying the carriage, of
   course).  'Twill be an acceptable present to my kind entertainer, Mr.
   B."

This letter was brought to me by Mr. Brough himself at the office, who
apologised to me for having broken the seal by inadvertence; for the
letter had been mingled with some more of his own, and he opened it
without looking at the superscription.  Of course he had not read it, and
I was glad of that; for I should not have liked him to see my aunt's
opinion of his daughter and lady.

The next day, a gentleman at "Tom's Coffee-house," Cornhill, sent me word
at the office that he wanted particularly to speak to me: and I stopped
thither, and found my old friend Smithers, of the house of Hodge and
Smithers, just off the coach, with his carpet-bag between his legs.

"Sam my boy," said he, "you are your aunt's heir, and I have a piece of
news for you regarding her property which you ought to know.  She wrote
us down a letter for a chest of that home-made wine of hers which she
calls Rosolio, and which lies in our warehouse along with her furniture."

"Well," says I, smiling, "she may part with as much Rosolio as she likes
for me.  I cede all my right."

"Psha!" says Smithers, "it's not that; though her furniture puts us to a
deuced inconvenience, to be sure--it's not that: but, in the postscript
of her letter, she orders us to advertise the Slopperton and Squashtail
estates for immediate sale, as she purposes placing her capital
elsewhere."

I know that the Slopperton and Squashtail property had been the source of
a very pretty income to Messrs.  Hodge and Smithers, for Aunt was always
at law with her tenants, and paid dearly for her litigious spirit; so
that Mr. Smithers's concern regarding the sale of it did not seem to me
to be quite disinterested.

"And did you come to London, Mr. Smithers, expressly to acquaint me with
this fact?  It seems to me you had much better have obeyed my aunt's
instructions at once, or go to her at Fulham, and consult with her on
this subject."

"'Sdeath, Mr. Titmarsh! don't you see that if she makes a sale of her
property, she will hand over the money to Brough; and if Brough gets the
money he--"

"Will give her seven per cent. for it instead of three,--there's no harm
in that."

"But there's such a thing as security, look you.  He is a warm man,
certainly--very warm--quite respectable--most undoubtedly respectable.
But who knows?  A panic may take place; and then these five hundred
companies in which he is engaged may bring him to ruin.  There's the
Ginger Beer Company, of which Brough is a director: awkward reports are
abroad concerning it.  The Consolidated Baffin's Bay Muff and Tippet
Company--the shares are down very low, and Brough is a director there.
The Patent Pump Company--shares at 65, and a fresh call, which nobody
will pay."

"Nonsense, Mr. Smithers!  Has not Mr. Brough five hundred thousand
pounds' worth of shares in the INDEPENDENT WEST DIDDLESEX, and is THAT at
a discount?  Who recommended my aunt to invest her money in that
speculation, I should like to know?"  I had him there.

"Well, well, it is a very good speculation, certainly, and has brought
you three hundred a year, Sam my boy; and you may thank us for the
interest we took in you (indeed, we loved you as a son, and Miss Hodge
has not recovered a certain marriage yet).  You don't intend to rebuke us
for making your fortune, do you?"

"No, hang it, no!" says I, and shook hands with him, and accepted a glass
of sherry and biscuits, which he ordered forthwith.

Smithers returned, however, to the charge.  "Sam," he said, "mark my
words, and take your aunt _away from the Rookery_.  She wrote to Mrs. S.
a long account of a reverend gent with whom she walks out there,--the
Reverend Grimes Wapshot.  That man has an eye upon her.  He was tried at
Lancaster in the year '14 for forgery, and narrowly escaped with his
neck.  Have a care of him--he has an eye to her money."

"Nay," said I, taking out Mrs. Hoggarty's letter: "read for yourself."

He read it over very carefully, seemed to be amused by it; and as he
returned it to me, "Well, Sam," he said, "I have only two favours to ask
of you: one is, not to mention that I am in town to any living soul; and
the other is to give me a dinner in Lamb's Conduit Street with your
pretty wife."

"I promise you both gladly," I said, laughing.  "But if you dine with us,
your arrival in town must be known, for my friend Gus Hoskins dines with
us likewise; and has done so nearly every day since my aunt went."

He laughed too, and said, "We must swear Gus to secrecy over a bottle."
And so we parted till dinner-time.

The indefatigable lawyer pursued his attack after dinner, and was
supported by Gus and by my wife too; who certainly was disinterested in
the matter--more than disinterested, for she would have given a great
deal to be spared my aunt's company.  But she said she saw the force of
Mr. Smithers's arguments, and I admitted their justice with a sigh.
However, I rode my high horse, and vowed that my aunt should do what she
liked with her money; and that I was not the man who would influence her
in any way in the disposal of it.

After tea, the two gents walked away together, and Gus told me that
Smithers had asked him a thousand questions about the office, about
Brough, about me and my wife, and everything concerning us.  "You are a
lucky fellow, Mr. Hoskins, and seem to be the friend of this charming
young couple," said Smithers; and Gus confessed he was, and said he had
dined with us fifteen times in six weeks, and that a better and more
hospitable fellow than I did not exist.  This I state not to trumpet my
own praises,--no, no; but because these questions of Smithers's had a
good deal to do with the subsequent events narrated in this little
history.

Being seated at dinner the next day off the cold leg of mutton that
Smithers had admired so the day before, and Gus as usual having his legs
under our mahogany, a hackney-coach drove up to the door, which we did
not much heed; a step was heard on the floor, which we hoped might be for
the two-pair lodger, when who should burst into the room but Mrs.
Hoggarty herself!  Gus, who was blowing the froth off a pot of porter
preparatory to a delicious drink of the beverage, and had been making us
die of laughing with his stories and jokes, laid down the pewter pot as
Mrs. H. came in, and looked quite sick and pale.  Indeed we all felt a
little uneasy.

My aunt looked haughtily in Mary's face, then fiercely at Gus, and
saying, "It is too true--my poor boy--_already_!" flung herself
hysterically into my arms, and swore, almost choking, that she would
never never leave me.

I could not understand the meaning of this extraordinary agitation on
Mrs. Hoggarty's part, nor could any of us.  She refused Mary's hand when
the poor thing rather nervously offered it; and when Gus timidly said, "I
think, Sam, I'm rather in the way here, and perhaps--had better go," Mrs.
H. looked him full in the face, pointed to the door majestically with her
forefinger, and said, "I think, sir, you _had_ better go."

"I hope Mr. Hoskins will stay as long as he pleases," said my wife, with
spirit.

"_Of course_ you hope so, madam," answered Mrs. Hoggarty, very sarcastic.
But Mary's speech and my aunt's were quite lost upon Gus; for he had
instantly run to his hat, and I heard him tumbling downstairs.

The quarrel ended, as usual, by Mary's bursting into a fit of tears, and
by my aunt's repeating the assertion that it was not too late, she
trusted; and from that day forth she would never never leave me.

"What could have made Aunt return and be so angry?" said I to Mary that
night, as we were in our own room; but my wife protested she did not
know: and it was only some time after that I found out the reason of this
quarrel, and of Mrs. H.'s sudden reappearance.

The horrible fat coarse little Smithers told me the matter as a very good
joke, only the other year, when he showed me the letter of Hickson,
Dixon, Paxton and Jackson, which has before been quoted in my Memoirs.

"Sam my boy," said he, "you were determined to leave Mrs. Hoggarty in
Brough's clutches at the Rookery, and I was determined to have her away.
I resolved to kill two of your mortal enemies with one stone as it were.
It was quite clear to me that the Reverend Grimes Wapshot had an eye to
your aunt's fortune; and that Mr. Brough had similar predatory intentions
regarding her.  Predatory is a mild word, Sam: if I had said robbery at
once, I should express my meaning clearer.

"Well, I took the Fulham stage, and arriving, made straight for the
lodgings of the reverend gentleman.  'Sir,' said I, on finding that
worthy gent,--he was drinking warm brandy-and-water, Sam, at two o'clock
in the day, or at least the room smelt very strongly of that
beverage--'Sir,' says I, 'you were tried for forgery in the year '14, at
Lancaster assizes.'

"'And acquitted, sir.  My innocence was by Providence made clear,' said
Wapshot.

"'But you were not acquitted of embezzlement in '16, sir,' says I, 'and
passed two years in York Gaol in consequence.'  I knew the fellow's
history, for I had a writ out against him when he was a preacher at
Clifton.  I followed up my blow.  'Mr. Wapshot,' said I, 'you are making
love to an excellent lady now at the house of Mr. Brough: if you do not
promise to give up all pursuit of her, I will expose you.'

"'I _have_ promised,' said Wapshot, rather surprised, and looking more
easy.  'I have given my solemn promise to Mr. Brough, who was with me
this very morning, storming, and scolding, and swearing.  Oh, sir, it
would have frightened you to hear a Christian babe like him swear as he
did.'

"'Mr. Brough been here?' says I, rather astonished.

"'Yes; I suppose you are both here on the same scent,' says Wapshot.  'You
want to marry the widow with the Slopperton and Squashtail estate, do
you?  Well, well, have your way.  I've promised not to have anything more
to do with the widow and a Wapshot's honour is sacred.'

"'I suppose, sir,' says I, 'Mr. Brough has threatened to kick you out of
doors, if you call again.'

"'You _have_ been with him, I see,' says the reverend gent, with a shrug:
then I remembered what you had told me of the broken seal of your letter,
and have not the slightest doubt that Brough opened and read every word
of it.

"Well, the first bird was bagged: both I and Brough had had a shot at
him.  Now I had to fire at the whole Rookery; and off I went, primed and
loaded, sir,--primed and loaded.

"It was past eight when I arrived, and I saw, after I passed the lodge-
gates, a figure that I knew, walking in the shrubbery--that of your
respected aunt, sir: but I wished to meet the amiable ladies of the house
before I saw her; because look, friend Titmarsh, I saw by Mrs. Hoggarty's
letter, that she and they were at daggers drawn, and hoped to get her out
of the house at once by means of a quarrel with them."

I laughed, and owned that Mr. Smithers was a very cunning fellow.

"As luck would have it," continued he, "Miss Brough was in the drawing-
room twangling on a guitar, and singing most atrociously out of tune; but
as I entered at the door, I cried 'Hush!' to the footman, as loud as
possible, stood stock-still, and then walked forward on tip-toe lightly.
Miss B. could see in the glass every movement that I made; she pretended
not to see, however, and finished the song with a regular roulade.

"'Gracious Heaven!' said I, 'do, madam, pardon me for interrupting that
delicious harmony,--for coming unaware upon it, for daring uninvited to
listen to it.'

"'Do you come for Mamma, sir?' said Miss Brough, with as much
graciousness as her physiognomy could command.  'I am Miss Brough, sir.'

"'I wish, madam, you would let me not breathe a word regarding my
business until you have sung another charming strain.'

"She did not sing, but looked pleased, and said, 'La! sir, what is your
business?'

"'My business is with a lady, your respected father's guest in this
house.'

"'Oh, Mrs. Hoggarty!' says Miss Brough, flouncing towards the bell, and
ringing it.  'John, send to Mrs. Hoggarty, in the shrubbery; here is a
gentleman who wants to see her.'

"'I know,' continued I, 'Mrs. Hoggarty's peculiarities as well as anyone,
madam; and aware that those and her education are not such as to make her
a fit companion for you.  I know you do not like her: she has written to
us in Somersetshire that you do not like her.'

"'What! she has been abusing us to her friends, has she?' cried Miss
Brough (it was the very point I wished to insinuate).  'If she does not
like us, why does she not leave us?'

"'She _has_ made rather a long visit,' said I; 'and I am sure that her
nephew and niece are longing for her return.  Pray, madam, do not move,
for you may aid me in the object for which I come.'

"The object for which I came, sir, was to establish a regular
battle-royal between the two ladies; at the end of which I intended to
appeal to Mrs. Hoggarty, and say that she ought really no longer to stay
in a house with the members of which she had such unhappy differences.
Well, sir, the battle-royal was fought,--Miss Belinda opening the fire,
by saying she understood Mrs. Hoggarty had been calumniating her to her
friends.  But though at the end of it Miss rushed out of the room in a
rage, and vowed she would leave her home unless that odious woman left
it, your dear aunt said, 'Ha, ha!  I know the minx's vile stratagems;
but, thank Heaven! I have a good heart, and my religion enables me to
forgive her.  I shall not leave her excellent papa's house, or vex by my
departure that worthy admirable man.'

"I then tried Mrs. H. on the score of compassion.  'Your niece,' said I,
'Mrs. Titmarsh, madam, has been of late, Sam says, rather
poorly,--qualmish of mornings, madam,--a little nervous, and low in
spirits,--symptoms, madam, that are scarcely to be mistaken in a young
married person.'

"Mrs. Hoggarty said she had an admirable cordial that she would send Mrs.
Samuel Titmarsh, and she was perfectly certain it would do her good.

"With very great unwillingness I was obliged now to bring my last reserve
into the field, and may tell you what that was, Sam my boy, now that the
matter is so long passed.  'Madam,' said I, 'there's a matter about which
I must speak, though indeed I scarcely dare.  I dined with your nephew
yesterday, and met at his table a young man--a young man of low manners,
but evidently one who has blinded your nephew, and I too much fear has
succeeded in making an impression upon your niece.  His name is Hoskins,
madam; and when I state that he who was never in the house during your
presence there, has dined with your too confiding nephew sixteen times in
three weeks, I may leave you to imagine what I dare not--dare not imagine
myself.'

"The shot told.  Your aunt bounced up at once, and in ten minutes more
was in my carriage, on our way back to London.  There, sir, was not that
generalship?"

"And you played this pretty trick off at my wife's expense, Mr.
Smithers," said I.

"At your wife's expense, certainly; but for the benefit of both of you."

"It's lucky, sir, that you are an old man," I replied, "and that the
affair happened ten years ago; or, by the Lord, Mr. Smithers, I would
have given you such a horsewhipping as you never heard of!"

But this was the way in which Mrs. Hoggarty was brought back to her
relatives; and this was the reason why we took that house in Bernard
Street, the doings at which must now he described.




CHAPTER X


OF SAM'S PRIVATE AFFAIRS AND OF THE FIRM OF BROUGH AND HOFF

We took a genteel house in Bernard Street, Russell Square, and my aunt
sent for all her furniture from the country; which would have filled two
such houses, but which came pretty cheap to us young housekeepers, as we
had only to pay the carriage of the goods from Bristol.

When I brought Mrs. H. her third half-year's dividend, having not for
four months touched a shilling of her money, I must say she gave me
50_l_. of the 80_l_., and told me that was ample pay for the board and
lodging of a poor old woman like her, who did not eat more than a
sparrow.

I have myself, in the country, seen her eat nine sparrows in a pudding;
but she was rich and I could not complain.  If she saved 600_l_. a year,
at the least, by living with us, why, all the savings would one day come
to me; and so Mary and I consoled ourselves, and tried to manage matters
as well as we might.  It was no easy task to keep a mansion in Bernard
Street and save money out of 470_l_. a year, which was my income.  But
what a lucky fellow I was to have such an income!

As Mrs. Hoggarty left the Rookery in Smithers's carriage, Mr. Brough,
with his four greys, was entering the lodge-gate; and I should like to
have seen the looks of these two gentlemen, as the one was carrying the
other's prey off, out of his own very den, under his very nose.

He came to see her the next day, and protested that he would not leave
the house until she left it with him: that he had heard of his daughter's
infamous conduct, and had seen her in tears--"in tears, madam, and on her
knees, imploring Heaven to pardon her!"  But Mr. B. was obliged to leave
the house without my aunt, who had a _causa major_ for staying, and
hardly allowed poor Mary out of her sight,--opening every one of the
letters that came into the house directed to my wife, and suspecting hers
to everybody.  Mary never told me of all this pain for many many years
afterwards; but had always a smiling face for her husband when he came
home from his work.  As for poor Gus, my aunt had so frightened him, that
he never once showed his nose in the place all the time we lived there;
but used to be content with news of Mary, of whom he was as fond as he
was of me.

Mr. Brough, when my aunt left him, was in a furious ill-humour with me.
He found fault with me ten times a day, and openly, before the gents of
the office; but I let him one day know pretty smartly that I was not only
a servant, but a considerable shareholder in the company; that I defied
him to find fault with my work or my regularity; and that I was not
minded to receive any insolent language from him or any man.  He said it
was always so: that he had never cherished a young man in his bosom, but
the ingrate had turned on him; that he was accustomed to wrong and
undutifulness from his children, and that he would pray that the sin
might be forgiven me.  A moment before he had been cursing and swearing
at me, and speaking to me as if I had been his shoeblack.  But, look you,
I was not going to put up with any more of Madam Brough's airs, or of
his.  With me they might act as they thought fit; but I did not choose
that my wife should be passed over by them, as she had been in the matter
of the visit to Fulham.

Brough ended by warning me of Hodge and Smithers.  "Beware of these men,"
said he; "but for my honesty, your aunt's landed property would have been
sacrificed by these cormorants: and when, for her benefit--which you,
obstinate young man, will not perceive--I wished to dispose of her land,
her attorneys actually had the audacity--the unchristian avarice I may
say--to ask ten per cent. commission on the sale."

There might be some truth in this, I thought: at any rate, when rogues
fall out, honest men come by their own: and now I began to suspect, I am
sorry to say, that both the attorney and the Director had a little of the
rogue in their composition.  It was especially about my wife's fortune
that Mr. B. showed _his_ cloven foot: for proposing, as usual, that I
should purchase shares with it in our Company, I told him that my wife
was a minor, and as such her little fortune was vested out of my control
altogether.  He flung away in a rage at this; and I soon saw that he did
not care for me any more, by Abednego's manner to me.  No more holidays,
no more advances of money, had I: on the contrary, the private clerkship
at 150_l_. was abolished, and I found myself on my 250_l_. a year again.
Well, what then? it was always a good income, and I did my duty, and
laughed at the Director.

About this time, in the beginning of 1824, the Jamaica Ginger Beer
Company shut up shop--exploded, as Gus said, with a bang!  The Patent
Pump shares were down to 15_l_. upon a paid-up capital of 65_l_.  Still
ours were at a high premium; and the Independent West Diddlesex held its
head up as proudly as any office in London.  Roundhand's abuse had had
some influence against the Director, certainly; for he hinted at
malversation of shares: but the Company still stood as united as the Hand-
in-Hand, and as firm as the Rock.

To return to the state of affairs in Bernard Street, Russell Square: my
aunt's old furniture crammed our little rooms; and my aunt's enormous old
jingling grand piano, with crooked legs and half the strings broken,
occupied three-fourths of the little drawing-room.  Here used Mrs. H. to
sit, and play us, for hours, sonatas that were in fashion in Lord
Charleville's time; and sung with a cracked voice, till it was all that
we could do to refrain from laughing.

And it was queer to remark the change that had taken place in Mrs.
Hoggarty's character now: for whereas she was in the country among the
topping persons of the village, and quite content with a tea-party at six
and a game of twopenny whist afterwards,--in London she would never dine
till seven; would have a fly from the mews to drive in the Park twice a
week; cut and uncut, and ripped up and twisted over and over, all her old
gowns, flounces, caps, and fallals, and kept my poor Mary from morning
till night altering them to the present mode.  Mrs. Hoggarty, moreover,
appeared in a new wig; and, I am sorry to say, turned out with such a
pair of red cheeks as Nature never gave her, and as made all the people
in Bernard Street stare, where they are not as yet used to such fashions.

Moreover, she insisted upon our establishing a servant in livery,--a boy,
that is, of about sixteen,--who was dressed in one of the old liveries
that she had brought with her from Somersetshire, decorated with new
cuffs and collars, and new buttons: on the latter were represented the
united crests of the Titmarshes and Hoggartys, viz., a tomtit rampant and
a hog in armour.  I thought this livery and crest-button rather absurd, I
must confess; though my family is very ancient.  And heavens! what a roar
of laughter was raised in the office one day, when the little servant in
the big livery, with the immense cane, walked in and brought me a message
from Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty!  Furthermore, all letters were
delivered on a silver tray.  If we had had a baby, I believe Aunt would
have had it down on the tray: but there was as yet no foundation for Mr.
Smithers's insinuation upon that score, any more than for his other
cowardly fabrication before narrated.  Aunt and Mary used to walk gravely
up and down the New Road, with the boy following with his great
gold-headed stick; but though there was all this ceremony and parade, and
Aunt still talked of her acquaintances, we did not see a single person
from week's end to week's end, and a more dismal house than ours could
hardly be found in London town.

On Sundays, Mrs. Hoggarty used to go to St. Pancras Church, then just
built, and as handsome as Covent Garden Theatre; and of evenings, to a
meeting-house of the Anabaptists: and that day, at least, Mary and I had
to ourselves,--for we chose to have seats at the Foundling, and heard the
charming music there, and my wife used to look wistfully in the pretty
children's faces,--and so, for the matter of that, did I.  It was not,
however, till a year after our marriage that she spoke in a way which
shall be here passed over, but which filled both her and me with
inexpressible joy.

I remember she had the news to give me on the very day when the Muff and
Tippet Company shut up, after swallowing a capital of 300,000_l_. as some
said, and nothing to show for it except a treaty with some Indians, who
had afterwards tomahawked the agent of the Company.  Some people said
there were no Indians, and no agent to be tomahawked at all; but that the
whole had been invented in a house in Crutched Friars.  Well, I pitied
poor Tidd, whose 20,000_l_. were thus gone in a year, and whom I met in
the City that day with a most ghastly face.  He had 1,000_l_. of debts,
he said, and talked of shooting himself; but he was only arrested, and
passed a long time in the Fleet.  Mary's delightful news, however, soon
put Tidd and the Muff and Tippet Company out of my head; as you may
fancy.

Other circumstances now occurred in the City of London which seemed to
show that our Director was--what is not to be found in Johnson's
Dictionary--rather shaky.  Three of his companies had broken; four more
were in a notoriously insolvent state; and even at the meetings of the
directors of the West Diddlesex, some stormy words passed, which ended in
the retirement of several of the board.  Friends of Mr. B.'s filled up
their places: Mr. Puppet, Mr. Straw, Mr. Query, and other respectable
gents, coming forward and joining the concern.  Brough and Hoff dissolved
partnership; and Mr. B. said he had quite enough to do to manage the I.
W. D., and intended gradually to retire from the other affairs.  Indeed,
such an Association as ours was enough work for any man, let alone the
parliamentary duties which Brough was called on to perform, and the
seventy-two lawsuits which burst upon him as principal director of the
late companies.

Perhaps I should here describe the desperate attempts made by Mrs.
Hoggarty to introduce herself into genteel life.  Strange to say,
although we had my Lord Tiptoff's word to the contrary, she insisted upon
it that she and Lady Drum were intimately related; and no sooner did she
read in the _Morning Post_ of the arrival of her Ladyship and her
granddaughters in London, than she ordered the fly before mentioned, and
left cards at their respective houses: her card, that is--"MRS. HOGGARTY
of CASTLE HOGGARTY," magnificently engraved in Gothic letters and
flourishes; and ours, viz., "Mr. and Mrs. S. Titmarsh," which she had
printed for the purpose.

She would have stormed Lady Jane Preston's door and forced her way
upstairs, in spite of Mary's entreaties to the contrary, had the footman
who received her card given her the least encouragement; but that
functionary, no doubt struck by the oddity of her appearance, placed
himself in the front of the door, and declared that he had positive
orders not to admit any strangers to his lady.  On which Mrs. Hoggarty
clenched her fist out of the coach-window, and promised that she would
have him turned away.

Yellowplush only burst out laughing at this; and though Aunt wrote a most
indignant letter to Mr. Edmund Preston, complaining of the insolence of
the servants of that right honourable gent, Mr. Preston did not take any
notice of her letter, further than to return it, with a desire that he
might not be troubled with such impertinent visits for the future.  A
pretty day we had of it when this letter arrived, owing to my aunt's
disappointment and rage in reading the contents; for when Solomon brought
up the note on the silver tea-tray as usual, my aunt, seeing Mr.
Preston's seal and name at the corner of the letter (which is the common
way of writing adopted by those official gents)--my aunt, I say, seeing
his name and seal, cried, "_Now_, Mary, who is right?" and betted my wife
a sixpence that the envelope contained an invitation to dinner.  She
never paid the sixpence, though she lost, but contented herself by
abusing Mary all day, and said I was a poor-spirited sneak for not
instantly horsewhipping Mr. P.  A pretty joke, indeed!  They would have
hanged me in those days, as they did the man who shot Mr. Perceval.

And now I should be glad to enlarge upon that experience in genteel life
which I obtained through the perseverance of Mrs. Hoggarty; but it must
be owned that my opportunities were but few, lasting only for the brief
period of six months: and also, genteel society has been fully described
already by various authors of novels, whose names need not here be set
down, but who, being themselves connected with the aristocracy, viz., as
members of noble families, or as footmen or hangers-on thereof, naturally
understand their subject a great deal better than a poor young fellow
from a fire-office can.

There was our celebrated adventure in the Opera House, whither Mrs. H.
would insist upon conducting us; and where, in a room of the
establishment called the crush-room, where the ladies and gents after the
music and dancing await the arrival of their carriages (a pretty figure
did our little Solomon cut, by the way, with his big cane, among the
gentlemen of the shoulder-knot assembled in the lobby!)--where, I say, in
the crush-room, Mrs. H. rushed up to old Lady Drum, whom I pointed out to
her, and insisted upon claiming relationship with her Ladyship.  But my
Lady Drum had only a memory when she chose, as I may say, and had
entirely on this occasion thought fit to forget her connection with the
Titmarshes and Hoggarties.  Far from recognising us, indeed, she called
Mrs. Hoggarty an "ojus 'oman," and screamed out as loud as possible for a
police-officer.

This and other rebuffs made my aunt perceive the vanities of this wicked
world, as she said, and threw her more and more into really serious
society.  She formed several very valuable acquaintances, she said, at
the Independent Chapel; and among others, lighted upon her friend of the
Rookery, Mr. Grimes Wapshot.  We did not know then the interview which he
had had with Mr. Smithers, nor did Grimes think proper to acquaint us
with the particulars of it; but though I did acquaint Mrs. H. with the
fact that her favourite preacher had been tried for forgery, _she_
replied that she considered the story an atrocious calumny; and _he_
answered by saying that Mary and I were in lamentable darkness, and that
we should infallibly find the way to a certain bottomless pit, of which
he seemed to know a great deal.  Under the reverend gentleman's guidance
and advice, she, after a time, separated from St. Pancras
altogether--"_sat under him_," as the phrase is, regularly thrice a
week--began to labour in the conversion of the poor of Bloomsbury and St.
Giles's, and made a deal of baby-linen for distribution among those
benighted people.  She did not make any, however, for Mrs. Sam Titmarsh,
who now showed signs that such would be speedily necessary, but let Mary
(and my mother and sisters in Somersetshire) provide what was requisite
for the coming event.  I am not, indeed, sure that she did not say it was
wrong on our parts to make any such provision, and that we ought to let
the morrow provide for itself.  At any rate, the Reverend Grimes Wapshot
drank a deal of brandy-and-water at our house, and dined there even
oftener than poor Gus used to do.

But I had little leisure to attend to him and his doings; for I must
confess at this time I was growing very embarrassed in my circumstances,
and was much harassed both as a private and public character.

As regards the former, Mrs. Hoggarty had given me 50_l_.; but out of that
50_l_. I had to pay a journey post from Somersetshire, all the carriage
of her goods from the country, the painting, papering, and carpeting of
my house, the brandy and strong liquors drunk by the Reverend Grimes and
his friends (for the reverend gent said that Rosolio did not agree with
him); and finally, a thousand small bills and expenses incident to all
housekeepers in the town of London.

Add to this, I received just at the time when I was most in want of cash,
Madame Mantalini's bill, Messrs.  Howell and James's ditto, the account
of Baron Von Stiltz, and the bill of Mr. Polonius for the setting of the
diamond pin.  All these bills arrived in a week, as they have a knack of
doing; and fancy my astonishment in presenting them to Mrs. Hoggarty,
when she said, "Well, my dear, you are in the receipt of a very fine
income.  If you choose to order dresses and jewels from first-rate shops,
you must pay for them; and don't expect that _I_ am to abet your
extravagance, or give you a shilling more than the munificent sum I pay
you for board and lodging!"

How could I tell Mary of this behaviour of Mrs. Hoggarty, and Mary in
such a delicate condition?  And bad as matters were at home, I am sorry
to say at the office they began to look still worse.

Not only did Roundhand leave, but Highmore went away.  Abednego became
head clerk: and one day old Abednego came to the place and was shown into
the directors' private room; when he left it, he came trembling,
chattering, and cursing downstairs; and had begun, "Shentlemen--" a
speech to the very clerks in the office, when Mr. Brough, with an
imploring look, and crying out, "Stop till Saturday!" at length got him
into the street.

On Saturday Abednego junior left the office for ever, and I became head
clerk with 400_l_. a year salary.  It was a fatal week for the office,
too.  On Monday, when I arrived and took my seat at the head desk, and my
first read of the newspaper, as was my right, the first thing I read was,
"Frightful fire in Houndsditch!  Total destruction of Mr. Meshach's
sealing-wax manufactory and of Mr. Shadrach's clothing depot, adjoining.
In the former was 20,000_l_. worth of the finest Dutch wax, which the
voracious element attacked and devoured in a twinkling.  The latter
estimable gentleman had just completed forty thousand suits of clothes
for the cavalry of H.H. the Cacique of Poyais."

Both of these Jewish gents, who were connections of Mr. Abednego, were
insured in our office to the full amount of their loss.  The calamity was
attributed to the drunkenness of a scoundrelly Irish watchman, who was
employed on the premises, and who upset a bottle of whisky in the
warehouse of Messrs. Shadrach, and incautiously looked for the liquor
with a lighted candle.  The man was brought to our office by his
employers; and certainly, as we all could testify, was _even then_ in a
state of frightful intoxication.

As if this were not sufficient, in the obituary was announced the demise
of Alderman Pash--Alderman Cally-Pash we used to call him in our lighter
hours, knowing his propensity to green fat: but such a moment as this was
no time for joking!  He was insured by our house for 5,000_l_.  And now I
saw very well the truth of a remark of Gus's--viz., that life-assurance
companies go on excellently for a year or two after their establishment,
but that it is much more difficult to make them profitable when the
assured parties begin to die.

The Jewish fires were the heaviest blows we had had; for though the
Waddingley Cotton-mills had been burnt in 1822, at a loss to the Company
of 80,000_l_., and though the Patent Erostratus Match Manufactory had
exploded in the same year at a charge of 14,000_l_., there were those who
said that the loss had not been near so heavy as was supposed--nay, that
the Company had burnt the above-named establishments as advertisements
for themselves.  Of these facts I can't be positive, having never seen
the early accounts of the concern.

Contrary to the expectation of all us gents, who were ourselves as dismal
as mutes, Mr. Brough came to the office in his coach-and-four, laughing
and joking with a friend as he stepped out at the door.

"Gentlemen!" said he, "you have read the papers; they announce an event
which I most deeply deplore.  I mean the demise of the excellent Alderman
Pash, one of our constituents.  But if anything can console me for the
loss of that worthy man, it is to think that his children and widow will
receive, at eleven o'clock next Saturday, 5,000_l_. from my friend Mr.
Titmarsh, who is now head clerk here.  As for the accident which has
happened to Messrs. Shadrach and Meshach,--in _that_, at least, there is
nothing that can occasion any person sorrow.  On Saturday next, or as
soon as the particulars of their loss can be satisfactorily ascertained,
my friend Mr. Titmarsh will pay to them across the counter a sum of
forty, fifty, eighty, one hundred thousand pounds--according to the
amount of their loss.  _They_, at least, will be remunerated; and though
to our proprietors the outlay will no doubt be considerable, yet we can
afford it, gentlemen.  John Brough can afford it himself, for the matter
of that, and not be very much embarrassed; and we must learn to bear ill-
fortune as we have hitherto borne good, and show ourselves to be men
always!"

Mr. B. concluded with some allusions, which I confess I don't like to
give here; for to speak of Heaven in connection with common worldly
matters, has always appeared to me irreverent; and to bring it to bear
witness to the lie in his mouth, as a religious hypocrite does, is such a
frightful crime, that one should be careful even in alluding to it.

Mr. Brough's speech somehow found its way into the newspapers of that
very evening; nor can I think who gave a report of it, for none of our
gents left the office that day until the evening papers had appeared.  But
there was the speech--ay, and at the week's end, although Roundhand was
heard on 'Change that day declaring he would bet five to one that
Alderman Pash's money would never be paid,--at the week's end the money
was paid by me to Mrs. Pash's solicitor across the counter, and no doubt
Roundhand lost his money.

Shall I tell how the money was procured?  There can be no harm in
mentioning the matter now after twenty years' lapse of time; and
moreover, it is greatly to the credit of two individuals now dead.

As I was head clerk, I had occasion to be frequently in Brough's room,
and he now seemed once more disposed to take me into his confidence.

"Titmarsh my boy," said he one day to me, after looking me hard in the
face, "did you ever hear of the fate of the great Mr. Silberschmidt of
London?"  Of course I had.  Mr. Silberschmidt, the Rothschild of his day
(indeed I have heard the latter famous gent was originally a clerk in
Silberschmidt's house)--Silberschmidt, fancying he could not meet his
engagements, committed suicide; and had he lived till four o'clock that
day, would have known that he was worth 400,000_l_.  "To tell you frankly
the truth," says Mr. B., "I am in Silberschmidt's case.  My late partner,
Hoff, has given bills in the name of the firm to an enormous amount, and
I have been obliged to meet them.  I have been cast in fourteen actions,
brought by creditors of that infernal Ginger Beer Company; and all the
debts are put upon my shoulders, on account of my known wealth.  Now,
unless I have time, I cannot pay; and the long and short of the matter is
that if I cannot procure 5,000_l_. before Saturday, _our concern is
ruined_!"

"What! the West Diddlesex ruined?" says I, thinking of my poor mother's
annuity.  "Impossible! our business is splendid!"

"We must have 5,000_l_. on Saturday, and we are saved; and if you will,
as you can, get it for me, I will give you 10,000_l_. for the money!"

B. then showed me to a fraction the accounts of the concern, and his own
private account; proving beyond the possibility of a doubt, that with the
5,000_l_. our office must be set a-going; and without it, that the
concern must stop.  No matter how he proved the thing; but there is, you
know, a dictum of a statesman that, give him but leave to use figures,
and he will prove anything.

I promised to ask Mrs. Hoggarty once more for the money, and she seemed
not to be disinclined.  I told him so; and that day he called upon her,
his wife called upon her, his daughter called upon her, and once more the
Brough carriage-and-four was seen at our house.

But Mrs. Brough was a bad manager; and, instead of carrying matters with
a high hand, fairly burst into tears before Mrs. Hoggarty, and went down
on her knees and besought her to save dear John.  This at once aroused my
aunt's suspicions; and instead of lending the money, she wrote off to Mr.
Smithers instantly to come up to her, desired me to give her up the
3,000_l_. scrip shares that I possessed, called me an atrocious cheat and
heartless swindler, and vowed I had been the cause of her ruin.

How was Mr. Brough to get the money?  I will tell you.  Being in his room
one day, old Gates the Fulham porter came and brought him from Mr. Balls,
the pawnbroker, a sum of 1,200_l_.  Missus told him, he said, to carry
the plate to Mr. Balls; and having paid the money, old Gates fumbled a
great deal in his pockets, and at last pulled out a 5_l_. note, which he
said his daughter Jane had just sent him from service, and begged Mr. B.
would let him have another share in the Company.  "He was mortal sure it
would go right yet.  And when he heard master crying and cursing as he
and missus were walking in the shrubbery, and saying that for the want of
a few pounds--a few shillings--the finest fortune in Europe was to be
overthrown, why Gates and his woman thought that they should come
for'ard, to be sure, with all they could, to help the kindest master and
missus ever was."

This was the substance of Gates's speech; and Mr. Brough shook his hand
and--took the 5_l_.  "Gates," said he, "that 5_l_. note shall be the best
outlay you ever made in your life!" and I have no doubt it was,--but it
was in heaven that poor old Gates was to get the interest of his little
mite.

Nor was this the only instance.  Mrs. Brough's sister, Miss Dough, who
had been on bad terms with the Director almost ever since he had risen to
be a great man, came to the office with a power of attorney, and said,
"John, Isabella has been with me this morning, and says you want money,
and I have brought you my 4,000_l_.; it is all I have, John, and pray God
it may do you good--you and my dear sister, who was the best sister in
the world to me--till--till a little time ago."

And she laid down the paper: I was called up to witness it, and Brough,
with tears in his eyes, told me her words; for he could trust me, he
said.  And thus it was that I came to be present at Gates's interview
with his master, which took place only an hour afterwards.  Brave Mrs.
Brough! how she was working for her husband!  Good woman, and kind! but
_you_ had a true heart, and merited a better fate!  Though wherefore say
so?  The woman, to this day, thinks her husband an angel, and loves him a
thousand times better for his misfortunes.

On Saturday, Alderman Pash's solicitor was paid by me across the counter,
as I said.  "Never mind your aunt's money, Titmarsh my boy," said Brough:
"never mind her having resumed her shares.  You are a true honest fellow;
you have never abused me like that pack of curs downstairs, and I'll make
your fortune yet!"

* * * * *

The next week, as I was sitting with my wife, with Mr. Smithers, and with
Mrs. Hoggarty, taking our tea comfortably, a knock was heard at the door,
and a gentleman desired to speak to me in the parlour.  It was Mr.
Aminadab of Chancery Lane, who arrested me as a shareholder of the
Independent West Diddlesex Association, at the suit of Von Stiltz of
Clifford Street, tailor and draper.

I called down Smithers, and told him for Heaven's sake not to tell Mary.

"Where is Brough?" says Mr. Smithers.

"Why," says Mr. Aminadab, "he's once more of the firm of Brough and Off,
sir--he breakfasted at Calais this morning!"




CHAPTER XI


IN WHICH IT APPEARS THAT A MAN MAY POSSESS A DIAMOND AND YET BE VERY HARD
PRESSED FOR A DINNER

On that fatal Saturday evening, in a hackney-coach, fetched from the
Foundling, was I taken from my comfortable house and my dear little wife;
whom Mr. Smithers was left to console as he might.  He said that I was
compelled to take a journey upon business connected with the office; and
my poor Mary made up a little portmanteau of clothes, and tied a
comforter round my neck, and bade my companion particularly to keep the
coach windows shut: which injunction the grinning wretch promised to
obey.  Our journey was not long: it was only a shilling fare to Cursitor
Street, Chancery Lane, and there I was set down.

The house before which the coach stopped seemed to be only one of half-a-
dozen in that street which were used for the same purpose.  No man, be he
ever so rich, can pass by those dismal houses, I think, without a
shudder.  The front windows are barred, and on the dingy pillar of the
door was a shining brass-plate, setting forth that "Aminadab, Officer to
the Sheriff of Middlesex," lived therein.  A little red-haired Israelite
opened the first door as our coach drove up, and received me and my
baggage.

As soon as we entered the door, he barred it, and I found myself in the
face of another huge door, which was strongly locked; and, at last,
passing through that, we entered the lobby of the house.

There is no need to describe it.  It is very like ten thousand other
houses in our dark City of London.  There was a dirty passage and a dirty
stair, and from the passage two dirty doors let into two filthy rooms,
which had strong bars at the windows, and yet withal an air of horrible
finery that makes me uncomfortable to think of even yet.  On the walls
hung all sorts of trumpery pictures in tawdry frames (

Showing first 200,000 characters. Full text: gutenberg.org/ebooks/1933