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The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth

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Title: The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth

Author: Timothy Templeton


        
Release date: December 3, 2005 [eBook #17210]
                Most recently updated: December 13, 2020

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/17210

Credits: Produced by The Digital Library Program at Indiana
        University and formatted by Mark Meiss.


*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE ADVENTURES OF MY COUSIN SMOOTH ***




Produced by The Digital Library Program at Indiana
University and formatted by Mark Meiss.





THE

ADVENTURES

OF MY

COUSIN SMOOTH.


BY

TIMOTHY TEMPLETON.

OF TEWKSBURY.


New York and Auburn:
MILLER, ORTON & MULLIGAN,

New York: 25 Park Row--Auburn: 107 Genesee St.
London: W.T. Tweedle, Strand, and David Bryce, 48 Paternoster Row.

1856.




Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1856, by

MILLER, ORTON & MULLIGAN,

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States, for
the Southern District of New York.


Edward R. Jenkins, Printer,
Nos. 26 Frankfort Street.




CONTENTS.

Some Particulars respecting Cousin Smooth
CHAPTER I.    --Mr. Smooth in Washington
CHAPTER II.   --Mr. Smooth Sups, and goes to Bed
CHAPTER III.  --In which Mr. Smooth has an Interview with General Cass
CHAPTER IV.   --Mr. Smooth's Dream
CHAPTER V.    --A Morning Adventure
CHAPTER VI.   --Mr. Smooth finds his Path to the White House a
                  difficult one
CHAPTER VII.  --Mr. Smooth Penetrates the Dark Confines of Mr.
                  Pierce's Kitchen, where he finds things sadly
                  confused
CHAPTER VIII. --Mr. Solomon Smooth takes a Fish Breakfast
CHAPTER IX.   --Mr. Smooth Circumnavigates the Globe
CHAPTER X.    --Smooth preserves Young America's Rights
CHAPTER XI.   --Mr. Smooth is Right Side up
CHAPTER XII.  --Mr. Smooth makes a few Reflections
CHAPTER XIII. --Mr. Smooth sees a Country great in Resources blighted
                  by a Narrow Policy
CHAPTER XIV.  --Done Brown in Downing Street
CHAPTER XV.   --His little Lordship's Show, and a Peep into Downing
                  Street
CHAPTER XVI.  --Smooth Dines with Citizen Peabody
CHAPTER XVII. --Smooth looks in upon the Mixed Commission
CHAPTER XVIII.--Smooth receives the Documents, and calls a Congress
                  at Ostend
CHAPTER XIX.  --Smooth Discovers Himself
CHAPTER XX.   --Arrival and Grand Reception at Ostend
CHAPTER XXI.  --Fashionable Debts and Fashionable Diplomatists
CHAPTER XXII. --How Smooth got his Manners
CHAPTER XXIII.--Mr. Smooth proposes taking Mr. Pierce's Fighting by
                  the Job
CHAPTER XXIV. --Mr. Pierce sends Smooth Down East among Britishers
CHAPTER XXV.  --The Pious Squire
CHAPTER XXVI. --Smooth encounters a Colonial Justice of strange
                  Character
CHAPTER XXVII.--Smooth settles all International Difficulties, and
                  proposes maintaining the very best Understanding
                  with John Bull




ADVENTURES
OF
MY COUSIN SMOOTH.




SOME PARTICULARS RESPECTING COUSIN SMOOTH


No uncommon type of our "Young America" is Mister Solomon Smooth, the
individual whose part in these sketches was performed for General
Pierce in particular, and "Uncle Sam" in general. Mr. Smooth was born
and "growed" on the extreme south point of Cape Cod--a seemingly
desolate spot, yet somewhat renowned as the birthplace of Long Tom
Coffin. If I would select one of our nation's 'cutest sons; if I were
called upon to name the kind of man with that in his natural
composition to make the safest, shrewdest, and most calculating
merchant; if I were called to pass judgment on the man most qualified
to sustain the spirit and characteristics of the American nation
abroad--one who would never betray our national energy, nor degrade
his profession, nor fail to seek that which might promote the
interests of those who reposed trust in him, at the same time never
forgetting his own--if I were about forming an expedition, and would
provide myself with that character of man upon whom the issue of its
success most depends; if, I say, I would seek the man possessing those
rigid qualities of a moral nature which are a sure protection against
doing aught that may degrade the councils of a nation, I would make
this sandy cape my starting point, and draw from the upward growth of
that stern energy to be found among those flourishing, energetic, and
intelligent communities embraced within that circle which terminates
at Cape Ann, and between the circling arms of which two capes heaves
Boston Bay. But Smooth, though somewhat primitive in his personal
appearance, is none of your common Cape Cod coasters, such as your
Captain Doanes, and Cooks, and Ryders, and Clapps. Not he! So slender
of person is he, that there can be no particular impropriety in our
drawing a comparison between him and that peculiar type of per son
commonly called a Virginian bean-pole. Nor, when he gets himself (as
is not uncommon with him) "all over" native brown homespun, does his
configuration materially change, there yet remaining, and boldly
refusing to be disguised, that face so full of penetration, and those
features so sharp. The waggishly inclined have identified them with
the wizardry of dividing storm currents. Nevertheless, of this lean
conformation, which is better within than the world without is in
general willing to admit, is Smooth particularly proud. In manner,
Smooth is piquant; and being an acknowledged member of the fast
school--that is, a disciple of manifest destiny in particular and
Model Republics in general--he accepts the mission so kindly proffered
him by his unfortunate friend, Mr. General Pierce, and has no
objection to giving the world and kingcraft (the latter rudderless,
and drifting on those quicksands of common sense which it were well
for nations had they proved destructive centuries ago) a few lessons
in the go-ahead principle. What Smooth means to convey by the go-ahead
principle, is simply that when common sense triumphs universal in a
nation, sycophantism dies, and with it that pest of peoples,
kingcraft! So, with the most amiable intentions, does Solomon set out
for Washington, to have a first talk with General Pierce: this talk he
hopes will be a prelude to putting straight the nationalities now
drifting on the rock of intrigue, without that safety-valve which a
people fully conscious of enjoying their rights can give. And while
thus employed, Smooth does not forget that it is a well laid down rule
that many small Presidents may talk very large and yet cut very
ridiculous figures: hence his first talk with Mr. Pierce, who is well
known for general and very respectable characteristics, may be
productive of great good to mankind in a mass. In New England
educated, (that land where niggers may be white men, and white men too
often turn niggers), loving universal rights, peace to consolidate a
nation's good, and keep down that martial spirit which is its
cankering curse--being tenacious of freedom in its broadest
acceptation, and commercial prosperity with a general diffusion of its
results, it is Mr. Smooth's candid opinion that ere another century
rolls into the page of time America will whip, feed, civilize, and
republicanize the great American continent. Could this be done at an
earlier period, so much the better for mankind in general. Smooth was
borne out in this opinion from the fact that Europe had got into a
great fuzzle, the result of which was an equally great fight. Kingdoms
and empires had become disordered, their craft was stranded;
potentates were turning their people into minions of slaughter.
Nicholas (modest god of all the Russias) thought his murdering a few
thousands an act most pious: it was all for the sake of Christianity
and a very small holy _rite!_ On the other hand, there was Mister John
Bull, so dogged at times, and yet so hard to hold once his propensity
for fighting somebody was excited, hurling very unchristian lead and
steel into. Nicholas's subtle-headed serfs. But the thing most
wondrous was, that Uncle John, now foaming with the fever of war, had
got Johnny Crappo at his back instead of his belly--a fact that would
be recorded on the strangest page of history. Strange fighting
companions were they; but as pig and dog do now and then become
bed-fellows, who can give too much expression to his surprise at this
strange Anglo-French combination? Let the world say what it will with
reference to our worthy friend Uncle John fighting the battle of
Mohamedanism--let it lay at his door the grave charge of degrading
himself by seeking to make firm the rotten props of one of the most
debased governments that has stained the history of the world with its
crimes, John will humanely acknowledge the charge while forwarding to
Turkey a copious edition of his "Society for Promoting Christian
Knowledge."

We hope with Mr. Smooth, that Master Bull and Cousin Jonathan may war
only in words. Both are sensible gentlemen; both are keenly alive to
that inspiration called fighting for one's rights; both are for ever
finding a small bone to snarl over; but peace is found the greater
bone, which, by preserving, affords the best picking. Indeed, we must
all admit, that if polite diplomatists and small politicians had their
way, their naughty recriminations would give us plenty of war, with
only bows and smiles to pay for the blood and treasure wasted. But
Mr. Bull is considerate with his power; while Jonathan shrewdly
calculates how much being embroiled in war will disturb his tin
business. May our discretion continue to form the best defence against
war between the most enlightened governments of christendom.

At home our negro question bids very fair to get political parties
into an interminable snarl; which said snarl is made worse by the
singular hopes of those having friends who would like to be next
President of the United States. The "white house," (that shrine of
patriotic worship!) having its avenues strongly bolted and barred with
formidable niggers from Virginia and Carolina, has become a mammon of
faith before which politicians are making sad niggers of themselves.
Mr. Solomon Smooth lamented this; and, in order to ascertain what
could be done in the way of finding a remedy, he determined to plainly
introduce the matter during his first talk with General Pierce;--in a
word, to see what could be done in the way of straightening things ere
he tried the quality of his cigars and Bourbouin whiskey, a large
stock of which the General was known to keep on hand. The party to
which Mr. Smooth belonged, "Young America," enrolled among its numbers
many young gentlemen whose spirits were fast, and young ladies whose
talents were fast increasing; hence it was that he was a firm believer
in the elastic principles of a go-ahead government: such an one,
albeit, as would republicanize Russia, knock Austria into a smash, or
make her declare herself something--revolutionize Europe in general,
and in particular teach kings of the christian faith how very
unchristian it is to wage savage wars. In addition to this, he would
have the world in general more enlightened, and kings made to know
that their highest duty was to mould their conduct after the example
of good citizens. Were this not enough, he would go for annexing to
these "United States" all the rest of creation; Mexico and Central
America in particular, to aid which object he would have the moon
perform a specific part on behalf of manifest destiny.

The reader must remember that our hero Smooth is a man most
unpolished, though never so bad as he seems. But we will let him speak
for himself, and as his letters are addressed to Uncle Sam, of course
those may read who will.

_Enough from the Editor_.

WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, D.C.,
        JUNE, 1855.




CHAPTER I.

MR. SOLOMON SMOOTH IN WASHINGTON.


"Dear Uncle--Once upon a time you were called Sam; but now that the
reign of Pierce is upon us it is difficult to tell what you may not be
called. Not long since you were the son of greatness, you are now the
shadow of Pierce--the man whose little light posterity will snuff
out. I have thought of you frequently, Uncle: I have seen you in
sorrow looking back upon the past, and my heart has beat with sympathy
as I saw you contrast it with the present. Once patriotism stood on
manly feet, now Bunkam reigns. Politics are turned into drum-sticks,
parties are lost for want of a policy, principles are buried in the
market-place. Mr. Smooth has been long accustomed to hard knocks and
crooked places; but anything so crooked as Mr. Pierce staggers his
digestion. If the concentrated wisdom of the nation riots here
(thought I as I entered the city) who can gainsay my coming? I knew
the atmosphere I entered had foul malaria in it; the city I found as
straight as the face of parties on the other hand was deformed. But
being in the federal city, I became forcibly impressed with the fact,
that your smallest man has the largest expectations, though he will
not object to become the nation's drone. Having made this wonderful
discovery, I took up my line of march for the National Hotel, a
gorgeous palace where an uncouth million meet to revel in cheap
luxury. So large was the house that a pilot to guide me through its
thousand galleries to bed was an indispensable necessity. I was
fatigued, and cared not where I hung up. Large as was the
establishment, everything looked so costly that I became cautious lest
what I sat down upon might become soiled, in which event I might be
compelled to pay the shot with a short locker; or, should the case go
before Pierce, he might in the profundity of his wisdom exile me to
some remote spot on the Mosquito coast. I walked into the
establishment like one who feels himself an independent citizen, and
then commenced looking at the place and the people, as the people
commenced looking at me. Returning looks, and question-asking, seemed
the fashion. 'Stranger!' said a well dressed but rather inquisitive
individual, 'you must, to be anybody in this place, smother yourself
in dignity, and eat dough-nuts of Southern make. Large quantities of
this diet are made now at the White House; in fact Pierce has turned
the establishment into a factory, where that article is manufactured
_ad libitum_, and all are expected to eat.' I thought the person who
thus accosted me had large experience of matters in general, for he
gave me a slanting wink and a cunning nudge, which I rendered into an
insinuation to stand treat. I affected not to understand him, and
edging aside a pace, made a bold effort to gain the long and very
expensive mahogany counter that stretched half across the office, and
behind which glowed out the figure of a fat citizen, whom I stared
right in the face. You cannot get cleverly through this world without
brass; if in your face you have enough to establish a foundery, so
much the better. It is indispensable in political matters; and,
whether right or wrong, the reader can best judge. I have thought the
smaller the politician, the larger were his dealings in the article.
No one could be more cautious how they scandalized their neighbours
than I am; this, Uncle Sam, you well know; but I question the policy
of being delicate during the reign of Pierce, whose cabinet recalls to
my mind the story of the clacking hen, that forever kept up a noise
without laying one egg. To make your way in Washington, you must storm
and put to route a whole platform of valiant gentlemen, who have
become political images in brass. As they love you, Uncle Sam, so also
would they live upon you, die upon you, be buried at your expense, and
their friends be very angry were you not a mourner at the
funeral. This I, Smooth, declare an honest fact, notwithstanding the
high respect I entertain for all those patriotic gentlemen who would
take such care of my Uncle's affairs.

"Now, this very phlegmatic and good natured citizen, who stood: behind
the mahogany, had a face as broad and placid as a town-clock seen by
moonlight. His figure, too, was tightly driven into a suit of
extravagant cloth, and altogether presented the appearance of having
quite recently escaped from the hands of James, his tailor. It was not
in the power of man to analyze his character from what he said, for
what he said meant nothing, when judged by the world's wisdom; but you
saw that James had succeeded in making him in love with himself.
Should he chance to read this imperfect sketch, he will excuse me when
I say he seemed a person brought up to himself, and entertaining the
hope that at no distant day he would become a very important
character--perhaps outshine General Pierce himself. He looked at me,
and I looked at him; then he grinned at me, and I grinned at him. At
last I said, I reckoned we might draw the game. I then added, that
from the look of the establishment I could not be wrong in assuming
that they did a large business in the way of feeding hungry
politicians and honester people. 'You may stake some on that, old
feller,' says he, with a suspicious leer. His nasal was somewhat
strong, so I put him down as from Vermont State, perhaps from the more
mountainous part of it. As if shy of my patronage he upon the counter,
pompous, spread his hands, as if the mahogany was all his. This
seeming indifference rather touched my dignity, which was of tender
quality, so I cast upon him a look he could not misinterpret,
inquiring if he could tie a body up for the night in a spare corner.
'You may bet on that! got a spare pin we can hook ye on somehow, I
reckon;' he ejaculates, sprawling his elbows, and making a support of
his fleshy hands, from between which his face peered like a soft
pumpkin sorely squeezed. In this position he stared, and stared, until
his countenance assumed an anxiety, equalled only by that of a stump
lecturer about inaugration time--say one, who had hoped for the
mission to the court of St. James, but as a matter of patriotism would
not decline the Dublin Consulship. At length he condescended to say,
with an air of languishing endurance, that 'he could do me up brown,
in the way of comfortable quarters.' I thanked him for his great
kindness, said I wanted to exercise a judicious economy, and could not
do the extensive, like those persons sprawling in easy arm chairs at
the left hand corner, to whom I pointed, and who, like Mr. President
Pierce's representatives abroad, were making a great noise to no
purpose. After looking quizically at the tie-up under my arm, then at
my tall white hat, and again at the coarse weave of my homespun, he
inquired if that (pointing to the bundle) constituted my
baggage. Instantly I told him it was none of his business; that there
was no occasion for his feeling so large, though Mr. Pierce was
President. He made an upright of himself, and very civilly rejoined
that there was no place this side of Cape Horn--and he doubted if
there was on the other side--where it was so necessary to see the
colateral as this Washington. He was proceeding to say much more, and
something about the doubtful character of General Pierce and his
friends, when I interrupted by saying, I thought he must have
forgotten my name. 'Smooth is my name,' I reiterated, 'of the Young
American party, the party that intends doing up the manifest destiny
for mankind.'

"'Manifest destiny never pays debts: must see the collateral 'afore we
tie ye up! Fact is, stranger, we must have the hold-fast for fear of
the shot falling short. The General has got so many tin-less friends,
who visit Washington on a small affair of business (here he gave his
shoulders a significant shrug), that a body has to keep a sharp eye in
the wind.' Suddenly he began to drum on the mahogany, screw his face
into a disc of puckers, and look so wise. So glad did he seem, that he
whistled Yankee Doodle with the variations, looked every which way,
and then laughed right out at what he called Smooth's outfit.

"'Needn't laugh at the fixens--old feller!' says I, 'Uncle Sam and me
are going into the tin business, and Sam, being a generous old butt,
will stand all the treats and hotel bills. Besides that, I was born in
the very sand heap where Tom Coffin was raised.'

"'Who cares for Tom' says he, turning aside, and making a polite bow
to a thirsty senator from the far west: the senatorial gent bent his
neck over, and approaching with his lips the ear of the important
individual, whispered something from out the smallest corner. This
something, when translated into decent English, might be rendered
thus:--If justice and gin slings are administered at your bar, pray
direct me the way to it! The fat man pointed up a narrow, dark, and
very long passage; and then suddenly turning to me, he said: 'If Tom
Coffin lived now-a-days, when politics went on the fast, he wouldn't
be worth shooks, he not having a vote, nor wanting an office under the
new administration.' 'Now, stranger,' says I, directing a look as if I
was going to strike something at him, 'don't make such a fuss about
the needful--look'a here!' I just plumps out Uncle Zack Brewster's
letter, and having fascinated his eye, tells him how Cochran and Riggs
'll do the dust. Like an hydraulic current let loose did the fellow
prick up his ears: then he said, '_do_ tell,' with a musical emphasis
that seemed so full of credit. Again he drew a long breath, and a
seriousness came over his face that could only be likened to that of a
South Carolina locomotive when drawing a whole convention of
secessionists, who, having failed in devising means to dissolve the
'federal union,' were returning homeward very melancholy.

"'Never doubted Mr. Smooth's word,' says he, with simple
dryness,--'but, notwithstanding, painful is the experience that
office-holders and seekers, though always kind to Uncle Sam, and
tenacious of his dignity and cashbag, seldom maintain the same
earnestness for their own when legitimates are left in the key-hole.'

"'You mean that the General's friends don't shine over on the square?'

"'Precisely so!--Mr. General Pierce himself is a sort of mixed stripe;
but his friends (and he has regiments of them!), all fighters in the
Mexican war when he was brigadier, expect so much something material
for themselves that all _outsiders_ are forgotten. Now and then the
General is sorry to inform his many friends that he is a little ill;
to which a voice here and there is heard to say that he is not
inclined to do the clean thing.'

"Well, I saw what the feller wanted; so I pulled out a fist full of
shiners, just to show him what Young America could do. The seeing the
dimes smoothed him down into the most agreeable amiability. His face
loomed out with good natur, his feelings seemed coming right from his
inards; and he struck up Yankee Doodle by way of an offset.

"'Pooty full, Mr. Smooth,' he generously remarked, 'but we must try
accommodate you somehow! We'll tuck you away in a spare corner, high
up!'

"'That's a good soul,' said I,--'know'd ye warn't a bad sort of
fellow,--when a body understood how to get the good out!'

"'Apartments for Solomon Smooth, Esq., from Cape Cod,' he said,
mutteringly, looking over his book, and drumming with his fingers on
the page. Mr. Smooth, in proof of his fast principles, will have no
objection to tying up in the seventh story?'

"'Rather stiff that, Major! Young America can do most anything,--hang
up on a pin if it be necessary to accommodate, but don't just like the
moon for a bedfellow.'

"'Won't trouble you with a bedfellow, Mr. Smooth,' he, grinned out,
shaking all over his broad sides.

"It being well understood in Washington that great men were most
condescending, while little men, with large expectations, were most
aspiring, there was nothing left but to cut a course between the two.
As for the latter quality of gentlemen, they never stood at trifles,
and when they failed to get the big business, had not the slightest
objection to the small,--which was the doing all Mr. President
Pierce's thinking. Therefore, be it known that, with a full knowledge
of this sad state of affairs, did I write down:--'Mr. Solomon Smooth,
from Cape Cod:' which, when down, looked like the footprints of a hen
that, having dipped her claws in an inkstand, had waddled across the
page. Thus ended my induction at the National.




CHAPTER II.

MR. SMOOTH SUPS, AND GOES TO BED.


"At length, Uncle Sam, I found myself somebody; and while looking
about me on the many well-dressed and very good-natured gentlemen who
subsisted on the hope of your generosity, could not avoid the
contemplation of what a glorious world this of ours must be,
possessing as it does so many good hearted souls like yourself, so
rich--but as indifferent to their own best interests. 'You will take
supper, Mr. Smooth?' inquired the man behind the mahogany. Before I
had time to speak, he pulled a bell that jingled like Jehu. And then
there came scampering in a school of negroes, so tidy, trim, and
intelligent. One bowed--another smiled--a third waited with a
salutation my commands. 'Take care of Mister Smooth!' again spoke the
man behind the mahogany, as with an effort to be commanding in accent.
That they might know more emphatically (as Uncle Tom Benton says) that
Mr. Smooth was none of your common citizen, I turned my eyes on the
darkies, and stared at them until they turned pale. Then one possessed
himself of my bundle: moving off with a scientific motion, and a bow
_a la cabinet_, he bid me follow. Obeying his summons, onward we went,
through a long, dark passage, and into a spacious hall up stairs,
where he said they eat their people. No sooner was I bowed to a seat
than a dozen gentlemen darkies set upon me in good earnest; so fast
did they beset me with eatables that I begun to think they had
mistaken me for a thanksgiving turkey about to be fatted for the table
of the secretary of the treasury. The fixins, as Mr. Samuel Slick
would say, made one feel quite at home; not so with the darkies: they
recognizing my home spun, soon became sassy; whereupon I turned round
and set upon _them_ with the broadest grin I could summon. Nor could I
withhold a laugh at seeing them laugh. 'Reckon how mas'r's on big
business to Washington wid Mr. General Pierce,' says one, whose face
was black, and bright, and full of the quizzical; while another, with
a flat crooked nose gave a cunning wink out of his left eye. This
being detected by a superior, in the brisk person of a son of the
Emerald Isle, who stood well six feet in his boots, a 'soucer' with
the broad front of his knuckle bones, between the colored gentleman's
two eyes, was the rejoinder--a most striking remonstrance, that laid
him measuring the floor. Troth! an' it's myself 'd stop yer
botheration. Sure, ye dark spalpeens, is it by the same token ye'd
trate the gintleman? (Here the honest son of sweet Erin showed signs
of his Doneybrook getting the better of him.) 'Myself 'll take care of
Mr. Smooth--doesn't he belong to the self same party, the
know-nothings? The divil a such a country, as Hamirike: an' it's the
boys from Donegal that 'ud be taking her dignity in care.' Saying
this, Mr. Patrick (for such was his name) stretched the whole length
of his important self over the table, and says:--I'm yers to the
buckle of my shoe, Mr. Smooth! It's a divil a one but yerself I'll
vote for at the next helection. Sure, an' didn't mysel jine the native
Hamerikan party, with Tom Connolly, afore we'd been two months on the
beloved soil an', sure, it's Tom and myself that's goin to put through
the _nonothin_ for ye.' Here Mr. Patrick anxiously paused for a
reply. To never say a bad thing when I could not think of a good, ever
has been my motto; so I returned his good nature with saying:--'Give
us yer hand, Mr. Patrick--we will forget the two, and yet be one! and
that our faith may be made strong, we will together do brown the
patriotism of these United States.

"'Ye better believe that!' returns Mr. Patrick, with an exultation of
happiness; and concluding with: 'I'd kill every nager in the land, be
the pipers I would! an' it's the boys from old Ireland what does be
keeping the bright face on pure Hamirikan principles. Sure an' warn't
it the brave boys that halicted Gineral Pierce and his cumrades?' Here
Mr. Patrick again paused, and with a wise look, shook his head. 'We
put the broad staunch face on the democracy,' again he interjaculated
with a mutter. Indeed, Mr. Patrick the reader will easily detect, had
the crude idea of right in his head; but, unfortunately, he could only
get it out in these simple and sideling insinuations. The negro, whom
we have before described as being knocked down, picked himself up and
had nothing to say.

"'There may be much in what you say, friend Patrick,' said I: 'The
boys from Donegal do with the elective franchise much that
_native-Homers_ in their carelessness leave undone. Mr. Patrick
acknowledged this, shook his head, and said the fact, though
deplorable, was preeminently established.

"'Like every one who visits Washington these times, yer a friend of
the Gineral's, and have fit with him in the Mexican war?' again he
inquired, seeming to anticipate my answer. Of the Mexicans I know
little--of the war less: it were well our country made peace its
friend, war its enemy. As to the General and his fighting in Mexico,
that was a matter that best affected himself; through it he became a
great potentate, but not so great a man; but, I accept the general
idea that he is now become troubled of a short memory. During this
time I had not forgotten number one--my supper! Having stowed it well
away under my lining, I felt very much like a man who had just turned
away his back on Secretary Marcy, having through personal friendship
received the country's best collectorship. Seeing the point of
good-nature to which my feelings had arrived through the strong
argument of meats, Mr. Patrick proffered his services to navigate me
out of the place where he ate his people--through entries, corridors,
passages, halls, and down stairways, along which we were ever
encountering persons who, like Mr. Pierce, were groping their way in
the dark. In the course of time, and after much feeling and fumbling,
I again encountered the light of the mahogany counter, behind which
stood the same individual I have before described--his person so
formidable, his face so full and fat, his hair so sleek and smooth.

"'Had a good supper, Squire Smooth?' says he, a broad smile spreading
over his broader face. On answering in the affirmative, he introduced
me to numerous unsatisfied politicians. One of this very numerous
gentry, and of whom I had, unfortunately, occasion to know more at a
subsequent period, (he was a man of grief from South Carolina), swore,
by his knowledge of southern rights and secession, that his State, so
neglected, would certainly go out of the Union. She had not a minister
abroad--only Consul General at Alexandria, which was said by the
knowing ones to be somewhere in Egypt; and where, to prove his strong
faith in southern principles, and his independent indifference to the
feelings of thin-skin northerners, he had purchased two very handsome
Nubian slaves of the feminine gender. This was merely to illustrate
the truly American spirit of our institutions: perchance it might
arouse from his stupor the Viceroy, who not fully cognizant of the
height of civilization to which America had arrived, was making
singular, and to me very praiseworthy efforts, to free his people from
the curse of enslaving men. To our patriotic Consul General we say--go
it!--a few more such examples will give the Egyptian an impression of
our liberty and christian love most strange: the brilliant light of
our western star will, I fear, have much in it to remind him of those
darker days when his forefathers built pyramids.

"'Come to see the Gineral, I s'pose, stranger?' our Carolinian
inquired, with a suspicious look, touching a companion beside him on
the arm. To his inquiry I returned--nothing shorter! 'Cape Cod,' he
followed with a respectful bow, 'did noble work for the true
democracy; she is great in sands, shoals, and cod-fish; she will send
General Pierce a chowder, as emblematic of his foreign policy--' Here
I interrupted by assuring him that Cape Cod could stand anything to
the stomach digestible; But whether she could digest the General was a
doubtful question. Cape Cod, be it known over the broad acres of this
land, I added, has a spirit above living on government: she turned
disdainfully from the means that were fast turning the functions of
government into a machine for grinding out patronage--she never
sacrificed Uncle Sam for the sake of what is in his tin-trunk. At
this, which he was pleased to call an expletive, he begun to summon
his dignity: at once he stiffened in a manner that proved how much
superior to me he considered himself, and how much more of Uncle Sam's
shiners were necessary to his conceived maintenance. 'Cape Cod is the
place,' says he folding his arms, moving to a more piquant position,
giving his person a little more importance, and making a target of the
brightly polished stove, against which he permitted a well-directed
stream of dark fluid to explode ere he wiped his lips.--'Cape Cod is
the place from whence all persons come who profess to be born free and
equal; but they are a scrubby set--' Considering it a duty I owed to
the nation, I again interrupted him. 'Cape Cod,' replied I, 'has got
gumption, principle, and the spirit of a go-ahead in her: she
germinated the Young American party. Understand, citizen, (here I
found spunk was necessary), a cape-coaster can at any time boast a
full fair of fish; if he draw them from Mr. John Bull's waters, so
much the better. He is no stranger to Mr. John Bull, whom he esteems
rather a dogged fellow, pugnaciously inclined at times, but never so
bad as he seems; and though stubbornly behind the age of progress, nor
willing to believe in the principles of manifest destiny, often
improves upon acquaintance.'

"'Good night, Mr. Smooth,' said he hurriedly; 'when you tie up for the
night--remember me--! Hope to see you bright in the morning.' Off,
like the handle of a jug, he went. And now it being time to stow
myself away, I hailed for a pilot to navigate me safe into the seventh
story. My fat friend at the counter, whose eyes were becoming leaden,
rung again the bell, and out scampered some dozen darkies from nobody
could discern where. I looked at the negroes with an expression of
excitement, and then, somewhat alarmed:--'Stranger,' says I, 'these
'ere niggers a'int all going to put me through, be they?' He said he
reckoned one would do; and to a question as to what time I would
complete the journey to bed, he replied that seeing I was of the Young
American stripe, and that the distinguished of that party could do
almost anything, provided I started soon I would reach the destination
about midnight. 'Now, providing it's any accommodation, Mr. Smooth, we
can send you to bed by steam. Say the word and up you'll go!' he
rapidly concluded, rapping with his fingers on the big book he had so
leisurely laid aside for the night, there being no chance of another
customer being caught this side of twelve o'clock. I shook my head and
moved off, telling him I did not appreciate being busted up. 'Ain't a
mite of danger!' says he: 'why, stranger, we havn't killed more nor
two dozen this year or more.' That Young America was a go-ahead I was
fully conscious; still, being somewhat anxious to extend a little
friendly advice to Gineral Pierce, I begged to be excused from all
dangers, Young America must live to proclaim the manifest destiny of a
universal republic. You may lay aside your steam fixings until a more
expedient time to use them--'Here he interrupted by saying my walking
up would only save six cents;--' can put Mr. Smooth into the machine
and send him up in a jiffy. Further, we have got some dozen old gents
here who go to bed by steam every night!' I shook hands with the
fellow, exchanged glances, bid them good night all round, and trotted
off, following the darky, who wound his way round corridors, up
stairs, and through passages for more than an hour, (at least, I
thought it was!), until I fancied we had got lost in an interminable
labyrinth of narrow passages. It was just after inauguration, which
fact was duly made known through the medium of sundry corks of
champagne bottles, which were sounding pop! pop!! pop!!! Again merry
voices were heard announcing the misfortunes of those about to pass
out: while another whose voice seemed somewhat mellow, said he had in
his eye the office he wanted--exactly. A third voice, as if echoed
through a subterranean vault, said they must all be forbearing--the
General was so undecided in his opinions. Pretty soon, the negro,
having wound his way high up in the world, turned a corner, gave a
tremendous guffaw, and opened the door of a place that looked very
much like a closet in which to stow away lean lawyers. 'Now, Cuff! ye
ain't goin to stow this citizen away in that ar place, be ye?' says I.

"'Mas'r,' returns he, ''tis just the snuggest place ye ever did see;
why! tain't da length on ye, seem how mas'r can double himself up
anyhow,--just as Gineral Pierce do.' The darkey laughed and drew back
with a bow, as I began to philosophise that, being now so well up in
the world, it was the best policy to coil up and invoke
Morpheus,--which I did, bidding good-night to all below, and promising
myself a pleasant interview with General Pierce on the following
morning.




CHAPTER III.

IN WHICH MR. SMOOTH HAS AN INTERVIEW WITH GENERAL CASS.


"Smooth had just stowed himself away in the shape of a figure 4, when
there came a voice as husky as Uncle Zack Peabody's conk, (which said
conk had been used to blow his way through the fogs of Newfoundland
for nearly half a century), saying:--'It's mighty tight squeezing
there, ain't it, stranger?' Where the voice came from seemed a puzzle
for all creation. No room was there in the place for another soul--all
became as still and watchlike as the tomb. In fear and anxiety I gazed
upon the dark wall, and along it to the little window facing the
avenue; and there, behold! but tell it not in the Capitol, was the
broad, burly face of General Cass, like a wet moon in discontent.
Unhappy with himself, he was peering in at the window. Again he
muttered:--'I can't get in!--such has always been my fate.' The
much-disappointed old gentleman bore such an expression of
discomfiture on his countenance, that Smooth was forced to the
conclusion that to be sociable would only be doing a good turn--more
especially as the General and Uncle Sam never got along well together.
'Then it's you, General?' says I: 'well, don't be in a hurry!' After a
short silence, he inquired if I could accommodate a traveller who had
been long on the road, and short of shot. I said I was not well to do
for room; but as to be obliging was the order of the day, and seeing
that he was soon to try another turn by joining the 'Young American'
party, I would see what could be done. He had got upon the roof of the
institution,--just where he could slip backward with great ease,
though it took some effort to go forward. Being somewhat infirm of
age, I took him gently by the hand and assisted him in, where I
thought he might, if he pleased, stand upon a square platform. The
General was very polite, bore strongly in his demeanor the marks of
time and honor; I could not suppress the capricious thought--that it
was time a sly corner in the patent office were provided for political
relics of a past age, and he safely stowed away in it. All things of a
by-gone age should have their place; notwithstanding, knowing that
Uncle Sam and him had tried to be intimate friends, and that he had
many warm and substantial voters in the far West, I felt to be less
than condescending would be bad political policy. He took a seat, and
began to get up his good-nature, as I inquired what earthly mission he
could be prosecuting on so dark and cold a night.

"'Well, now, friend Smooth,' he says: 'I like you, but the question
you put so honestly has a point which you cannot see, though I can
painfully feel. However, as I have no secrets, I don't mind telling
you: it must be private, nevertheless--I am sensitive not to have
these matters spread all over the Union. To-night, you see, a conclave
of political wranglers met below, in this house. Conscious that they
would have a large '_grin_' at me, discussing the means by which I
have always been the rejected of this great and growing people, I came
that my ears might lesson of fools. To this end, I mounted the
chimney, and was reconoitering down the black abyss, when my eye
turned and caught your light, like a star in tribulation, twinkling
from the window. Strange kind of a tribune for a senator, I admit, but
I heard many judgments, and from them may draw many more. One
reckoned I had stamped with the cold hand of death my political life;
always wanting to fight somebody--the English in particular! Another
said Virginia and Pennsylvania couldn't approve of my policy--that it
was too slow; while New York dare not vote for me, and I was New
England's dread. A third said he didn't believe the middle West would
back me up, because a doubt existed as to whether other States
would. These sentiments I heard from down chimney. My solemn belief
is, that I have been sacrificed to a firm and honest belief in the
Monroe doctrine; which, singularly enough, had its origin in English
minds. My efforts to carry it into effect seemed not to form a
tangible objection; though a voice now and then said it might lead to
evil consequences, England and France having formed a very unnatural
alliance to put down the aggressive spirit of nations, without respect
to the side of the Atlantic on which they were domiciled. Then, by way
of a suspending clause, they said it was not so much my pugnacious
propensities they feared, as that, being an old _fogy_, full of
personal grievances against somebody, I would make the gratifying a
venerable spleen paramount to the interests of States (all this I
heard from down chimney). That I was not a bad man, nor an inflexible
man, they all agreed; but that my time was passed was their verdict,
and being passed, I would myself soon pass into political
oblivion--nothing being left but executive expectations and
ballet-boxes, with which I might build on high a monument! The trouble
is, friend Smooth, I am not possessed of the tact of making the nation
understand me; had I this all-necessary to political fame, the Chief
Magistracy had long since been mine. To me the free press of our
country is a sort of infernal machine,--its effect in my case
strengthens the idea. Having held me up as dangerous, when in truth I
am a peaceably disposed man, they have wronged me while misinforming
the public.' Here he paused, as his face assumed its wonted
seriousness, and that wart, now historical, looked brighter than
ever. I had long been desirous of scraping acquaintance with the old
man, whom I esteemed much better inside than out, so I offered him
half of my shingle, at the same time intimating that we would have
some whiskey. At this he lowered his voice, and continued with a slow
shake of the head:--'I'm not so bad as I seem. Peradventure I wanted a
small chance at the Britishers. I hate them, but that only signifies a
trifle. Mr. Pierce, like a horn lantern for which Uncle Caleb and Jeff
furnish the light, is fast getting affairs into a fuzzle; this must be
so while the light is thus furnished, and the regulation of its
burning be left to Grandpapa Marcy. Fact is, you see, Mr. Smooth, the
administration is become like a steam-engine, Mr. Pierce being used as
a piston by Caleb, Jeff, and Co., who, in addition, furnish
Southern-rights for fuel, use patronage as a condenser, and make a
safety valve of Papa Marcy. But Papa has yet to take many lessons in
National Engineering before his control over the machine is complete.'
I watched the old man's anxious eye as he spoke; and again suggested
the taking a little whiskey: I pitied him. 'It will set ye all right!'
says I, 'it'll take the fogyism all out, warm up yer inards, and make
yer ideas come out with the philosophy of a _Mara beau_. Mr. Pierce
loves to traffic in the language of war, but like all little
creatures, makes his noise and stops.'

"'Well, in obedience to my friendship for you, Smooth--and with the
knowledge that you are going into business with Uncle
Sam--appreciating the 'Young American' party as I do, I don't care if
I take. It may revive the hope of 1856. After all, there is something
in you New Englanders I like--give us yer hand,' he replied suddenly,
as a soft smile spread over his hard face. He commenced wiping his
lips, and was so polite. I rang the bell, and up came the negro, his
face as full of alarm as a frightened moon in a hail-storm. Alarmed at
his appearance, the General sprang to his feet, and was for bolting
through the window. 'Don't be scared, General!' says I, trying to
suppress a laugh; 'put on the pluck of Young America--niggers then
will seem as nothing.' Mr. Pierce pursues this course. General knows
it takes somebody to cut a figure in the world; and seeing that these
United States constitute a free country, what violation of principle
is there in doing with negroes what you please? The steaming punch now
awaited us; I filled the General's glass, and he said 'this was a
great country, which would soon send Young America out on the world to
proclaim manifest destiny.' I said amen, and the punch disappeared
into his depot, as he concluded. It was clear his inards warmed, he
beginning to brighten up soon after. With a laconic air, he touched me
on the elbow, and said, 'Somehow, it seems to touch the right place--I
declare it does! I am half inclined to the belief that General Pierce
sups formidably of this just before he talks about winding things up
in a straight sort of way, all of which he ultimately forgets: the
influence of this sort of steam was undoubtedly that which selected
Minister Solan Borland the man for Central America. It was not that
friend Solan went to settle perplexing questions with that dwarf
combination of helpless governments; it was enough that he amused
sundry citizens and much annoyed others with the little fracases
which, through the power of political steam, he was wont to indulge
in.'

"'Now, Uncle Cass!' said I, interrupting him, at the same time adding
a good-natured wink, 'you must excuse Smooth's seeming intrusiveness;
but, what do you think of annexation in general, and filibustering and
taking Cuba in particular?' At this, the General gave a knowing pause,
scratched his head as if it was troubled with something, and then
replied with much dryness: 'Ah! the one is a subject popular to-day,
the other is fast becoming so: when both are equally popular, we may
advocate them with safety. Mr. Pierce understands this policy. That
which is popular and holds out advantages must go down in our go-ahead
country. According to the axiom of our Southern doctrines we must have
Cuba: she must be wedded in political bonds to Cape Florida; not for
the purpose of consolidating niggerdom, but merely to complete in that
direction the point of manifest destiny.'

"'Lord love yer political faith, General!' said I, rising up and
taking him firmly by the hand.

"'Ye'll do for the Young America, that ye will! There'll be no more
old-fogyism--no more of the slow-coach school! Take another bumper,
and you'll be ripe for the new party.' The General, with less dignity
than you might have supposed him capable of condescending to, filled
his glass, drew his chair back, threw his square figure well over the
arms, and roared right out until it became dangerous. At length he
began to drink his whiskey, and that stopped his joy for a time. But
he soon broke out afresh. 'What on earth is the matter with you,
stranger? you ain't going to make a shaking machine of your broad
sides, be ye?' says I, giving him a look that would have pierced a
stone wall.

"'You must excuse me, Mr. Smooth, but the principles of your party
would make anybody laugh; why!--its sprouting members are all growing
out of their breeches. Where, in that stretchy imagination the party
possesses, can you find a place for the moon, which of necessity must
follow in the train of annexation?' he inquires seriously.

"'Put it? Why, Gineral, you have been stowed away so long, keeping
dog-watch over fogyism, that you don't comprehend how Uncle Sam has
been transformed into a go-ahead chap to suit the times. Consul
Saunders 'll bridge the Gulf Stream, and thus unite Cuba and Cape
Florida; and, his pockets well lined with letter-writing materials, be
first to march over it and proclaim manifest destiny to the
natives. As for the moon, George will find a place in the compact for
her.'

"'But, Mr. Smooth,' says he, 'what in the name of changes be you going
to do with so many little kingdoms? A thousand years will scarcely
people our present domain! Now, Smooth, I'll cut out a small job for
the Young American party:--let them, just to give a specimen of their
principles, step across to Europe and help Louis and Uncle John (I
hate John, though) whip Nicholas, and turn vacillating, faithless
Austria into a republic, with principle and spirit equal to her
position as a nation.' The General looked serious as he concluded--so
far as whipping Austria was concerned we would be only too glad did
she for once throw off her cowardice and afford us an opportunity. She
had long played at thimblerig with doty old Mr. John Bull, before
whose eyes she had placed the spectacles of fantasy, the changes of
which the poor old gentleman's very refined sense and undeniable
diplomacy had not permitted him to comprehend. Austria was like the
thief who set himself up as umpire to settle between two knaves of his
own cloth, and, while he gave advice to both, was securing to himself
the very plunder which gave rise to the dispute. Nicholas, John Bull
said, was a ruffian of the go-ahead school; but, of the three
ruffians, which shall we choose? history may be the teacher! Ruffians,
however, may do good at times, in which sense Nicholas was entitled to
more consideration than Mister Bull, in his frenzy, was willing to
accord. Thus saying, the General and me took another glass, shook
hands, and bowed most politely. Again I stretched myself down for the
night, as he (promising to call again and have another talk)
disappeared out of the window.




CHAPTER IV.

MR. SMOOTH'S DREAM.


"Leaving Cass holding on at the slippery roof. I dreamed that the
ghost of Benton, in contemplation bestrode the summit of the Rocky
Mountains; that 'Young America,' like a Colossus with monster limbs
stretched across a world, was endeavouring to wake from their stupor
the nations. With a voice like unto lazy thunder murmuring in the
distance was he proclaiming his hatred of kings, into whose dominions
he threatened to march great armies, and whom he described as curses
sent upon the earth by the evil one: for the _Evil One_ sought to
promote self, a means to which he found in those intrigues by which he
made strong his court--the same was the trade of kings. Again the
voice thundered forth--'Here are the instruments that have destroyed a
world of human beings, and for a selfish purpose gloated over the
blood they had made run in torrents.' I looked, and behold! appeared
there before me a terrible devil, of hideous form having two great
horns, on one of the long sharp points of which was poised a king, on
the other a fat bishop in his lawn. The two perpetual mischief-makers,
and desolators thus poised, he came with a hideous roar, threatening
to drown them in the river of unrefined common sense. And then there
was written in broad letters of fire across the shoulders of this
sturdy devil--'Kingcraft and Churchcraft have cursed the nations of
the earth, and turned to blight the blessings of the True God!' Again
this significant edict vanished, and in its place there came, as in
letters of gold, 'Cheap Government and no Established Church--let the
nations be ruled in wisdom and right!' This had reference to good old
England, not America, for here bishops are known to be meek and good.
All this was a dream: but then there came, soaring giant-like, 'Young
America,' and manifest destiny which he spread over the land for the
benefit of mankind. Then there came a great darkness, followed by a
little light that crept feebly onward as if fearing to spread itself
on the broad disc of the horoscope--it was the light of Mr. Pierce,
beneath which hovered doubtful devils. How rapacious they seemed! They
saw the doubts and fears of his little light, and would fain carry him
off into purgatory ere it died out. But his saviours came: they were
the ghosts of those great lights that founded the pillars of our
Republicanism. Down they sat, in ghostly conclave, and with
instruments in hand set about driving away the carrier devils and
working the problem of Mr. Pierce's political policy. It was
impossible!--not all the trigonometry of which they were masters
sufficed to aid them in the task. It seemed like attempting to solve
the principle of that which never had one. He stood on a platform of
sections, each of which turned at a touch, and seemed giving way for
want of strength. Indeed, as beheld in the dream, he could play the
game of uncertainty through a dozen focuses. The jury of ghosts
became sorely perplexed; then they began to put to him some very
honest questions, as to what his intentions really were. And while
doing this the spirit of Washington, arrayed in glory, looked down
upon its feeble successor, and with an ironical smile shook its head.

"Then there came an unaccented voice from the little light--the light
said to be the impersonation of Pierce; indeed, it was of kindred with
the shadow in that singular romance by Hawthorn, called the life of
Pierce! And the voice said:--'I shall be known by my practice.' Just
then the little light became dimmer, and turned away toward a long
dark avenue, where the vista seemed studded with the faces of
disconsolate 'niggers.' At this the ghost of Webster yawned, and that
of Calhoun scowled fiercely and contemptuously; while Clay's rubbed
its eyes and wept tears of pity. Again all was darkness. Then there
came again the little light of which I have spoken;--it was the light
of Mr. Pierce. It flickered and fluttered, and thus we identified
it. 'We have to deal with Europe--with that happy alliance my very
amiable Lord Clarendon says is for purposes not alone in Europe. My
lord's language, however, is so cleverly diplomatic--that is, it can
be made to mean anything or nothing,--as to need a translation. My
lord means, that when it has served to curb the national ambition of
certain nations of Europe it may be turned to the same purpose in
another but more congenial hemisphere. Kossuth wants material
aid--such as saddles, tin, &c. &c. I would give it him, if he would
teach Austria a lesson of honesty! Nevertheless, as to Louis himself I
would be extremely cautious, for being more a blower than a moulder,
and having a peculiar talent for getting affairs very crooked, the
instrument in the man is of questionable ability;--indeed, in a crisis
between nations, such an instrument should he examined with great
skill and delicacy before being set in motion.' He spoke after this
manner, and quick as thought the spectacle vanished--it was but a
dream? Not a ghost was seen; no lurid face cast its pale shadow over
the dark canvas; the pure spirit of Washington had departed in
hopeless despair. I was about to read a prayer, when the dark canvas
moved aside, and there, real as life, sat on a slave's grave the
immaculate Brigadier;--he, reader, was sipping whiskey toddy, as if it
were his wont. Old Bunkum was the slave whose grave he sat upon. It
was a strange penance over the mound of one so old; and yet who in the
political world that had not paid it? 'Why!--Bunkum, you are
barefoot;' a voice spoke.

"'Remember, old man, you must keep on the stiff,--it's as necessary to
success as it was to believe the old Constitution frigate could whip
anything afloat.' It was the General who spoke to the ghost of Bunkum,
who, having risen from the grave, stood before him, moody and
despairing. In ecstasy he grasped the hand of the cold figure cried
out that his soul's love was with him. But in his exuberance he let
the whiskey run over the green grave, into which the ghost soon
disappeared and left him alone to his contemplations. Bunkum, like
Billy Bowlegs, who has too much sense for the great father, says he
has wandered through all weathers, and endured all kinds of political
farcery: now that he had become old, and served as long as the god of
sacrifice, would they not let him rest in peace? Here the General
seemed alone and forlorn: then he wept bitterly, until the ghost of
Bunkum in pity again appeared and with him sat upon the grave. The
General kindly took him by the hand, and in his ear whispered
something, the only part of which became audible was--'When as
President of this great country I became, I was bound--' Here the man
paused. A kindlier feeling now came over Bunkum, in evidence of which
he motioned as if he would take another drop of whiskey with the
President, or ask a favor he was delicate about broaching. For a man
who had so long looked upon things beneath him his reserve was to be
appreciated, especially when viewed in comparison with the
expectations of those many numerous friends, all of whom expected
foreign missions. Having chatted and sipped together a sufficient
length of time, and as Bunkum was about to say _good by_, he turned
with a half significant smile, and touching the General on the elbow,
said:--'Ye ain't got a spare hat and pea-jacket to lend a body?'

"'Bless you, Bunkum, you are of the South!--anything you want is at
your bidding. New England (she's a trump!) can take care of herself;
let the storm threaten as it may, she never trips. We must do for
Kentuck and Carolina:--the black pig must have his swill if the rest
find an empty trough.' 'Thank you! thank you! General; our States
will stand firm to you--Bunkum himself never will forsake you;' spoke
thus thankfully the ghost of the old man as it took leave of the old
General and disappeared. Here I awoke from my dream to painful
reflections.




CHAPTER V.

A MORNING ADVENTURE.


"As Uncle Sam is equally careless of his language and cash, he will
excuse a crooked beginning and accept a straight ending. Contemplating
my crooked dream I confess I waked up without a straight idea in my
head. The fact was, I was waked up with such an incomprehensible
jingling, ringing, rumbling, and gonging, that I mistook its purport,
and thought the Russians were bombarding the house. I was about
looking out of the window to see if the White House was all safe, when
a negro with a countenance blacker than vengeance protruded his fizzy
head into the door, and without a morsel of knocking commenced
grinning. 'Anything wanted for Major Smooth?' inquires he; and
without waiting for an answer, catches up the bed, Smooth and all the
fixins, and set them somewhat aside. 'Not so fast, Cuff!' said I;
'Smooth is no Major--plain Mister Smooth from the Cape.'

"'Lor, Mas'r' replied the negro, interrupting me; 'when in Washington
t'wont do to be a mite less than a Major-General. Every man what come
to dis city widout his title better come widout himself. Our clerk
what stand at the hogany counter be a General,--Jones, the ostler, be
a Colonel; and Wilkes what keep the oyster shop ober yonder be a
Major! As for Captains, they are as thick and of as little use as
blackbirds. Will you take somethin?' The sagacious negro bowed, and
waited for a reply. I told him that being invited to a fish breakfast
with the General at the 'White House,' I would forbear to liquor until
I had made my bow.

"'S'pose you'll take the customary gin cock-tail, Mr. Smooth?' the
negro rejoined, with an anxious air. Evincing my surprise at such a
proposition, I assured him I did not know its meaning. 'Don't know
what it is!' he exclaimed, with a deep sigh. 'A very fashionable
drink,' he continued; 'gemmen what see de General, and study national
affairs, all take some on em in da mornin.'

"'Now, Cuff,' I rejoined, 'just tell the truth; you mean that in order
to keep the dignity up, it is necessary to take something stiff in the
mornin?'

"'Dat him, mas'r,' says he in reply, accompanying it with a broad
guffaw. 'When mas'r bin to de White House, and seem serious, as if he
ain't got what he want, he put a cock-tail down to make de glorious
come up; it be a great anecdote for what mas'r call de blues.' The
interpretation of what the negro said was that it made a man feel as
if he had the best office in Mr. Pierce's gift safe in his
pocket. Having a reasonable appreciation of a negro's statement, I
consented on the ground of its good qualities--thus represented--to
take a little. The negro left, but soon returned with it in his
hand--all bittered and iced. Down it went, plump!--it cut away the
cobwebs, made my inards fizzle, and the whole frame feel as lively as
a bee-hive. The negro said it was good--and I said I reckoned. And
then I 'turned out,' as they call it, broadside on. 'Great kingdom,'
exclaimed the negro, giving me a slanting look from head to foot;
'why, mas'r, dey must a growed ye in a guano country.'

"'Cuff! don't be sassy,' I replied. And then he very good-naturedly
commenced arranging my homespun. He fussed over me as if I were a mere
substance to be transformed into anything Mr. Pierce might
require. Then, to my utter astonishment, he apprised me of the fact of
General Cass having carried off my boots and breeches--adding that it
was a sort of mania with him, and for which he was not morally
accountable. Then the negro began quizzing my person. One of my legs,
he said, was hard shell, the other a soft shell; however, to reconcile
the matter, he further added that the embodiment was exactly suited to
Mr. Pierce's principles, inasmuch as he could go between--which he
always aimed to do. He then said I must have pantaloons of the right
stripe; because in Washington a man must look genteel, and have his
understandings straight. It was no excuse that the General himself was
an undecided Democrat; if he was round in some things, he was square
in others,--that is he was round in policy, and square in periods. The
Negro said he did not look so much at the cut of the pantaloons as the
quality of the cloth, and its tenacity for stretching--according to
the expectations of the 'Young American' party.

"Upon this assurance, I ordered him to repair to the tailor's, which
he did, and was not long in returning and bringing with him a pair of
fashionables suited to the times. 'Great country,' said he, holding
them before me and shaking his black sides with laughter. Into them I
slid myself; the bottoms only reached a little below my knees. The
negro, with eyes like astonished stars, set upon the straps, and such
a tugging and pulling as there allowed! I began to think I was being
pulled in two, (after the fashion of Mister Pierce's promises and
performances), when Cato, (such was the negro's name), his face almost
white with exertion, begged I would not be alarmed--that he would very
soon get them all right! In another minute something went--pop!
Simultaneously with the report was my head driven clean through the
pine-board ceiling into a chamber unfortunately occupied by a lean old
maid of some forty-seven summers. 'Good mornin, missus,' I said,
trying to make a bow; 'hope I ain't intruding.' The old lady looked
mighty streaked, and wouldn't be pacified, until I told her I was
merely giving a few feats, just to illustrate the principles of the
'Young American' party. It's only Young America, ma'am, he's cutting
the three figures of his sentiments, as made known by his particular
stars,--Soule, Saunders, and Sickles. Didn't intend to disturb you, my
good woman,' says I. I wanted to seem polite--to put the very best
foot forward; but it was to no earthly use. The old critter screamed,
jumped out of the bed, and like a ghost shaking his cotton to the
storm, ran away in dismay.

"'Good Christopher Columbus!' exclaimed the negro, almost bursting
with fright. With this he commenced pulling and jerking at my legs,
until, finding his efforts useless, he hastened down stairs and spread
the alarm. Major Smooth was in an alarming situation!--'most
dying!--would breathe his last!--warn't no help fo'h him!--must die,
sartin!! Such a ringing and dinging of bells, such a tampering up
stairs, such a puffing and blowing of excited citizens as followed,
never was heard or seen before. Although in a tight place, I was
neither alarmed nor crest fallen. Indeed, I thought I'd enjoin the old
lady on the other side to enter upon the discussion of a political
question, just by way of keeping up the characteristic sociability of
the nation. Presently about a dozen dangerously excited faces
presented themselves in the room. 'He's gone, certain,' says one;
'Major Smooth's a cold chicken,' mutters another; 'Young America's
cutting a figure,' rejoins a third; 'he's only at rest while
performing some overt act,' interposes a fourth. 'Much you know about
it!' says I, cool as Labrador: 'I merely put my head through this ere
place for the purpose of being friendly with this lone female
lodger--pull me out!' In right good earnest they seized me by the
boots, saying:--'Let us bring Young America into a respectable
position;' and with the most unmerciful jerks they laid me measuring
the floor. In no wise disconcerted, I picked myself up, and inquired
if they had another strap to loan me. With the exception of Cato, the
negro, they all enjoyed a good laugh; he had no sooner relieved me,
than he commenced raising a fuss about my damaging the ceiling--never
for once taking Mr. Smooth's head into consideration. Young America,
he said, was always too fast--always getting into trouble and calling
upon others to help him out.




CHAPTER VI.

MR. SMOOTH FINDS HIS PATH TO THE WHITE HOUSE A DIFFICULT ONE.


"'Good morning, Mr. Smooth!' saluted the fat man behind the mahogany,
as I entered the office, having escaped from my perilous position in
the seventh story. In addition, he took a lunar observation all along
down my hull, which he said was a mighty tough sort of craft, and had
received no damage for which the house could be held responsible.

"As if to make the picture more complete, a number of anxious-looking
individuals (all firm friends of Uncle Sam) crowded about me, each
putting some curious question in reference to my expectations and the
Executive and his gifts. Many of these important gentry had
proboscises largely developed and very red; indeed, the reddest nose
was strongest evidence of the best office-seeker; albeit, some
waggishly inclined gentleman had said that the most generously
red-nosed man always esteemed his deserts to be no less than that of
United States Minister at some very fashionable foreign Court, where
the good red of a well-developed nose was significant of pure
blood. 'Well now, gents,' I returned, 'you needn't be trying to poke
your political fun at this citizen! Young America is all right
yet. Put me on the track of Mr. Pierce's whereabouts.' Seeing they
were facetiously inclined, I summoned that independence so necessary
to a citizen of standing. At this moment, one more politely inclined
than the rest, stepped forward, and commenced giving me the ins and
outs of the way to see the Brigadier, who, lie said, was surrounded by
many fairweather courtiers. Stepping politely to the door, he, with
grace not unbecoming, raised a well-gloved hand, and half
whispered:--Mr. Smooth will walk into the avenue--keep on the West
side--join the throng (they are all officials in embryo)--be sure and
look as serious as they do; and with them you will arrive at the
'White House' to take your place and chance.' Oh! chance! 'There is no
missing the way, Mr. Smooth; get behind some well-dressed citizen--one
who looks as if he were in pursuit of something the means of securing
which he had made sure. Follow that man!' I thanked him for his
civility,--he seemed one of Uncle Sam's bone-breakers, and sallied out
under the happy contemplation that a gentleman from Cape Cod was on a
par with the same species of mankind from South Carolina. It was true
that with what little aristocracy we boasted--and in that little there
was truly a great blessing, inasmuch as it illustrated the fact of
there being one spot on this earth where common sense had got the
better of refined sense--was founded in the possession of 'niggers,'
the number giving rank in the scale. In the small but very
aristocratic atmosphere of democratic South Carolina it had been
proposed to establish an order of the American garter, the means
entitling to membership being the possession of a very large number of
fat negroes and negresses: and to ingratiate the august order it was
proposed to make Colonel Wade Hampton first knight, and Lady Tyler
first knightess. The reader, Mr. Smooth feels assured, will pardon
this little digression, which he will set down to my love for that
darling little State.

"I soon muddled my way along with the crowd, among which there were
very long faces, very short faces, and faces from which nothing could
be extracted--the comic faces always kept behind! As a matter of
policy I got behind the man who had the longest and most quizzical
face; for he gave out signs of seeing daylight through political
darkness. I made his acquaintance, and found him of the free-and-easy
school. 'On your way to see the General, stranger?' I inquired, edging
up to him in a polite sort of way--at the same time keeping up the
free-and-easy. 'No,' he answered with a laconic air, and a half
significant shrug of the shoulder, 'I'm merely strolling this way,
leisurely contemplating. I take it you have not been long in the
Capital?' he added. 'You are right on that point, citizen,' said I in
return.

"'Expecting a good appointment?' he continued to inquire,
philosophically. 'Well, it may be: s'pose you're in for a
Ministership, if you come out a martyr,' I replied, adding a Western
wink which is given with both eyes. He very good-naturedly
acknowledged that I had hit the mark, gave me his arm, said we must
look in somewhere by the way-side and taste a small drop of Young
American whiskey, which would have the effect of making stronger our
friendship. This we did, drinking a good time to Mr. Pierce. No sooner
was the whiskey down than all his ideas came straight up. He said he
was none of yer small fry;--like thunder he had stumped it for General
Pierce; like electricity he had down in Georgia and Western Alabama
carried everything for true democracy. 'Reckon Mr. Smooth never was
down South?' he concluded, in parenthesis. I assured him I never was;
but that I had heard it was great of office-holders, and persons who
would, with every consideration for the Union in general, hold the
federal government very fast. To this he merely bowed in confirmation.
To another question, which was rather of a delicate nature, he said
the South did not so much value the emoluments of office; but her sons
reverenced the noble qualities of their forefathers, with whom dignity
was inherent,--and it was they that were best qualified to maintain
and spread its influence for the benefit of the nation. It was the
dignity of the nation, made manifest in its government, the South
sought to maintain. So said my friend, whose name was Pringle
Pierpont--well acquainted with Uncle Sam. All of a sudden he laughed
outright, saying I was ignorant of the _why and how to do, diplomacy_
of Washington. What it is impossible to get you must always say you
never wanted; and what is within your reach, always say was far beyond
our expectations. Meantime, be a philosopher, and act with apparent
indifference to what is going on around you: never tell a friend you
are worth less than one hundred thousand dollars. Upon such an
hypothesis you may face the General, talk profound (here and there in
parenthesis letting out your knowledge of foreign affairs), but never
give him to understand that you can extract crooked and put straight
ideas into his head--above all, be sure and feel as independent as a
wood-sawyer at two dollars a day. Play well your face, and a spoil of
the game just won will be yours. Marcy is father of this principle!
Heed not the sympathy between your heart and head,--while the one
feels high never let the other play low. Accept anything the General
may be pleased to offer, adding that it is in respect to his great
talent and your anxiety to keep respectable his foreign affairs; and
think how you belie your conscience the while. Now, Smooth, you will
see how open-armed the General will be to see me!'

"I told Mr. Pierpont how glad I was to hear it, seeing that it might
be the means of putting me through on the same hook. Without
hesitation, he said he would do what he could. Had I fought in the
Mexican war the case would have been different--had I been true to the
South, the case had been very different: the distinctions here
enumerated brought down the scale. 'However, the General and me are
one, having fought by his side in Mexico, and you shall be put
through.' So saying, we proceeded on our way, reaching in a few
minutes the White House, the gardens of which we found transplanted
with citizens--set here and there as thick as the gardener's tulips.
Before the circular carriage-way that sweeps to the great entrance,
filed a rampart of moody faces. Mr. Mulligan said they were there for
the study of Botany, he believed. Near the great portico stood the
tall figure of a man plainly dressed in blackest broadcloth; he
sauntered about as if contemplating some hopeless game of party.
Another looked as if he had just sprung from a dressing-case to
present himself before Grandpapa Marcy, in the hope of his personal
appearance making stronger his claims to a very acceptable
appointment. A third had a woe-begone smile on his face, and seemed
studying the nature of a plant that would soon need a careful hand.
When accosted concerning his musings, he said he had done battle right
manfully for the democracy; and now Mr. Pierce's only reply was, that
his demands were of so hard a nature as to render it impossible for
him to knock under. I told him that I would take the small points of
Mr. Pierce's ideas, and the strong points of Mr. Marcy's, and from
them try to work out the P's and Q's of his case.

"'You don't know if the General is at home, do you?' I inquired of
him, with as much good intention as it were possible to put in a
question. 'Know nothing about him since he's possessed himself of the
White House!--My name is Major Sykes, of the Hard Shells, New York! I
know as little of him as the country did before he was elected:--now
and then I see him smoking a long nine while laying off at his ease,
his dirty boots sticking out of the east window.' Here I interrupted by
asking if it were possible such charges could be true. 'True!'
(exclaimed he, more gritty than ever), 'true as daylight; the nation
may bless itself if he stops there. Be careful, my down-east friend,
be careful. He will sell you for a mess of corn for his black
pig. Down-east will stand no chance until Down-south gets
satisfactorily served: a wondrous change has come over the General
since he left the granite hills of his native State, where he did the
law trade in a small way. Now--Smooth, I think they call you, says
he--if I be not much mistaken the General will create a Babylon of
parties, the result of which will render it difficult to define his
own position. If the General would but get up a _cross_ between
southern secessionists and northern free-soilers, how happily it would
illustrate his policy.' Clasping his hand, 'Major Sykes,' said I, 'I
pity you.'

"'And so do I you,' he replied quickly. 'And when you come face to
face with the General, think of Uncle Sam, but don't forget
yourself,--_that is the motto!_' Saying thus, he started off, much
after the fashion of a man who feels somewhat fudgy. Duly esteeming
the position of a man who has that in his composition which gives
power to manliness, and has higher motives than political for its
aims, I made my way to the entrance of the White House, whistling
Yankee Doodle as I went. The closer I got to the great doors the more
violent became the crowd, until at last it ended in a jam of
bodies. 'Not so fast!' exclaimed an anxious individual, whose eyes
darted terror from their very sockets. 'Gentlemen!--it's my turn,'
re-echoes another half-stifled voice. 'Was not I in the city seven
weeks before the inauguration? and didn't I carry everything for the
General down in Pennsylvania?' roars a tall individual, whose hat had
received what may be called a shocking smash. Then they swayed forward
in a serf of bodies. Now it poised, as if for breath; then again it
swayed onward, threatening limb and wind. An exceedingly lean
gentleman, with a hard brown face, and a patch over his left eye,
cried out to the figure that stood bowing at the door, and demanded
that his card be first taken to the General, whom he was kind enough
to declare a right good fellow and a most intimate friend of
his. 'Perhaps you have a claim that way!' retorts a sharp voice, which
belonged to a sturdy figure well out at the elbows. He declared he had
driven the whigs out of Old North Carolina--had carried strong the,
State for Pierce and posterity. Another individual near by, and who
seemed inclined to doubt the assertion, suggested whether it were not
more probable he carried all the _watering_ establishments of that
renowned state, seeing that his nose and eyes had stood the storm of
spirits. No one ever heard of his carrying anything else! 'True,'
rejoined another: 'he can drink his way through a democratic canvass,
tell the most amiable lies, absorb any amount of chaffing, and stands
less at swearing than any other man in the country: more than all, he
can demolish the King's English at a stroke.' Such pulling, hauling,
squeezing and yawning, 'cussin' and swearing--such cross-firing,
crooked joking, and slang jibes, never before was seen in such perfect
medley. In calmer moments, even the hard-fisted, iron-hearted,
unterrified and never-washed democracy would have shed a few blushes
over it. Old democracy was nowhere--Young America was triumphant; his
sprouts were up and coming.

"'Clear the way there!' I exclaimed, raising my voice to a point.
'Mr. Smooth will walk in, and himself present his card to the
General.' The crowd looked amazed,--begun to give way. 'Mr. Smooth,
citizens,' continued I, motioning as if it were my intention to
speechify, 'is something of a body--don't stand none of your small
fritters. Mr. Smooth--like the principles of his party--was intended
for cutting a figure in the world; he will unmask aristocracy, whip
creation, and demonstrate the truth of manifest destiny.' Then they
all shouted a fashionable hee-haw, by which they hoped to drive me off
the track; but it was no go. 'Clar the way,' says I, 'or I'll split
the crowd like a thousand of bricks!' I accompanied the word with a
terrible look, at which they filed right and left as I chased square
up to the inner door, where stood a stiff sort of person, whose
clothes had grown on him--so tight were they. Surprised at my sudden
approach, he first gave many nervous winks and blinks, and then added
the silly airs of my Lord Spoonbill's menial, who, with hair buttered
and powdered, knew but the servilities of flunkeyism. 'Is the General
at home?' I demanded, adding before he had time to answer, that if he
had a spare lucifer I'd have no objection to taking a smoke with
him. With the consequence of a sleepy congressman, he inquired if my
business with the General was special. He seemed to have the keeping
of the General, much after the fashion of a keeper who guards the wild
animal of a menagerie.

"'You must send up your card: it's a question whether he is out of his
morning gown and slippers, however!' Here the man looked doubtingly at
the card, then gave his head a significant shake.

"'General ain't got so mighty big since he moved from New Hampshire?'
I inquired, as the fellow hesitated and again viewed me from the
extreme points. 'Now, Uncle Sam, to you I would say a word, hoping, in
the spirit of a very good christian, that it may be received as
wholesome advice. You, Sam, are forgetting that fame which should
reflect us in future ages; you, Sam, are assisting those who would lay
sullied hands on our pure republicanism--who would sink it in the
political slough, and build over it the reeking bastard of a pitiable
tyranny. Stretch out thy hand, Sam, that we may cease to cut before
the world and the rest of mankind so sorry a figure. Sam! you have
sent your little villains out upon the world; recall them ere they
prove themselves great fools at our expense.'

"Well, to go back:--I began to push my way past the flunkey, when he
summoned his brass and said I couldn't come in--that I must slide
myself into costume of the eight stripe! This to me was neither
diplomatic nor polite. And being deemed impolite, according to the
rules of our Young America, I placed the broad front of my
knuckle-bones between his observators, (just to bring out his spunk),
and demanded to know what they charged in Washington for a few
knockings-down. To which he elongated himself, and with cool assurance
said it had never before been his fortune to be put through the
process--hence he was not prepared to figure up the amount. A place
called limbo, he said, was just over at the corner; that I better keep
an eye to it. This last saying gave the crowd outside furniture for a
good laugh; they, the citizens, set to quizzing me about the hang of
my breeches, which they were pleased to call diplomatic. This, I
inferred, was in consequence of Grandpapa Marcy having gone to there
was no knowing how deep into the breeches business, hoping thereby to
prevent plain American citizens making very unplain apes of themselves
when abroad. Indeed, neighbor Marcy would demonstrate to the world
that cloth and diplomacy were two very different things. And this
doctrine my Uncle Buck--all praise to his name--fully endorsed,--that
is, he proved himself the only American minister not given to
purloined crests and crimson cloth.

"'Smooth is a nine-cornered citizen in the rough: he needs polishing
down with a federal holly-stone before he can be admitted into good
society:' a voice like the creaking of a door resounded through the
passage. Being a rough sort of citizen didn't affect me as long as I
had the straight up-and-down principles within. Well, I got up the
go-a-head, and walked in steady. 'T'wont do! citizen Smooth!'
interposes the flunkey, putting out his right hand as his face
reddened into a blaze. 'Young America must keep within bounds; he must
conform to the established etiquette before he can see the General.'
Not liking to be out of sorts, I turned to him, and with the best kind
of good nature told him not to come within grasping distance.

"Lord bless yer soul, Uncle Sam! I told him it was always good policy
to keep civil to distinguished individuals, and treating his insolence
as Captain Ingraham would an Austrian proclamation, I kept onward
(that's the motto!) until the passage-way opened into a gorgeously
decorated hall, the motto on the door of which I surveyed until my
head begun to ache. The General seems to have got him a snug and
well-ordained establishment, thought I. But the fixings were rather
more profuse than democracy in its simplicity had led me to suppose
its taste appreciated. But there was no concealing the fact, that the
democracy--its love of simplicity not excepted--did pay large sums now
and then for showy fixtures and grand failures. The short-comings of
the New Hampshire law-shop were extinct--elegance everywhere met the
eye. While enjoying my meditations one flunkey approached another,
telling him to keep a keen eye on that fellow--meaning me. Then a slim
figure done up in dignity and tight clothes approached me with a
polite bow: 'Please remember this is the President's mansion,' said
he, viewing my perpendicular as if he questioned whether my length was
all real growth. Seeing that the establishment belonged to Uncle Sam,
I assured him he was a little too impertinent.

"'Now, neighbor!' says I to the citizen, don't deceive yourself by
supposing the General has got his aristocracy up like this before he
has lodged three months in the White House. I'm an independent
citizen; come to put some straight policy into the General, who, with
the assistance of his grind-stone man, Fourney, unfortunately has got
everything into a twist. My name (sometimes they call me Squire) is
Solomon Smooth. It don't matter what they call me now, for be it
known, ye men of titles, all the fishermen in our district have become
judges and generals. This is the result of that necessity that makes
negro-drivers of the south captains and majors. 'But the President,'
said he, 'has got such a fearful load of business on his hands this
morning, it will be impossible he can see Mr. Smooth, nor are the
apartments in a state to be seen by visitor--' 'Always in the suds!' I
interrupted. 'No! that ain't it,' he continued, half trembling of
fear; 'but the President is new, nor yet has got into the straight way
of doing crooked business.'

"'Never mind that,' replied I, 'Smooth's an independent citizen, who
must not be interfered with while taking a turn round the
establishment: he neither stands on ceremony nor political
point-making.' The fact was, Mr. Smooth had a very wholesome hatred of
the nonsense of ceremony, and always pitied that complacency of Uncle
John Bull who, like a well-worn and faithful pack-horse, never
flinched under the heavy burden of that precious legacy called royal
blood, which, said blood, was fast absorbing the vital blood of the
nation. May our Union always be spared the degradation of such blood!

"The fellow, seeing I was not to be outdone, gave it up for a bad job,
and contented himself with following me here and there, keeping a
fixed eye on my motions, as if he feared I was going to become
enamoured of some of Mr. Pierce's chambermaids, which said commodity
was acknowledged to be very pretty, and much admired by Jones, who did
the fashionable at Willard's. It having been said that the General,
like Jackson, would keep himself, I endeavored to persuade the fellow
to show me his nook. He only shook his head and said it wouldn't do:
so I took a careless stroll through the loose apartments, and ceased
only when my sight was gratified. 'Well!' says the flunkey, adding a
deep sigh and a despairing shake of the head, 'it's no use trying to
control this citizen; he's of the fast school, without bowels.'

"'You may believe it!' returned I, advancing toward a broad circular
stairway that wound downward far into the regions below, where I
expected to find Fourney and Company holding the General down upon the
grindstone, while Uncles Caleb and Jeff turned, and Marcy stood by to
say when enough of the rough was got off. 'There! in my soul he's
going down into the kitchen!' The fellow bawled out as I passed down,
and soon disappeared, saying it was just the winding way I sought;
and, though the things to be seen in the vortex to which it led might
be dangerously dear to the nation, the proof would at least be
convincing. On I went, the way darkening as I advanced.




CHAPTER VII.

MR. SMOOTH PENETRATES THE DARK CONFINES OF MR. PIERCE'S KITCHEN, WHERE
HE FINDS THINGS SADLY CONFUSED.


"Down, down, down, went, groping my way (significant of the General's
policy) through a long dark passage, whence came a rancorous stench,
strong enough to kill cats and doubtful democrats. 'Keep the right
hand way for the kitchen: General is in there, assisting in the making
of a monster stew. Work your course through the smoke--you may be sure
Mr. Pierce is in the thickest cloud, though over the smallest
stew-pan,' a voice echoed, as if broken on the winds. 'All right!' I
muttered, confronting on my way the still stronger odour of the
sickening steam. My intention was to have a political discussion with
the cook (Fourney by name) and say a thing or two to the General; for
I had got a sort of cross-grained notion into my head that he was
compounding a grand stew for the black pig with the horns. Meanwhile
my stomach said it would have no objection to join the General over a
good breakfast. Presently I scented the frying of fish, which betold
that I was on the right track. But lo! as I was about to open a great
door that led into where the fussing and frying was going on, a voice
screamed out--'Visitors are forbidden these premises!' Here was a
pretty kettle of political fish. 'Much you know about it!' I replied
testily, and turning saw nothing but fog and confusion. Faith and
energy being the two great pillars of human progress, I summoned them
to my aid, and pressed onward, determined to see for myself who
regulated the culinary. This resolution was adopted solely on the
ground that the General had repudiated his responsibility to the
people, and joined hands with those who eat up all the loaves and
little fishes.

"Mr. Smooth, on behalf of Young America, esteemed the having positive
proof of how Mr. General Pierce kept his kitchen things a duty he
could not forego, and upon the strength of which he presented himself
to the august culinary cabinet, which he found enveloped in a dense
cloud. As I passed the great door, a fat man from Florida, who filled
that office of steady habits, the doorkeeper, said Mr. Smooth, which
he read on my card, was decidedly impertinent; the more so because
neither of the old grey-back parties had ever troubled themselves
about the kitchen fixings; that the present was an innovation he was
sure Mr. Pierce would resent by the withholding of appointments. I
left him to his opinion, and delved my way through the smoke, until I
began to think I had lost myself, and instead of Mr. Pierce on the
grindstone found a lower region of unlimited extent--so murky and
dismal was the place. They said it didn't use to be so! Such fritter
frying; such johnny-cake baking; such chowder making, and flounder
frying! Nearly a dozen fine buxom-looking, corn-fed females
(_helps_),--such as Vermont only can grow, were stuffing and stewing,
and beating and battering, and themselves seeming on the eve of
dissolution. They evinced alarm at my presence, but I told them not to
be scared, inasmuch as I was an intimate acquaintance of the General,
for whom I carried Cape Cod. On the left side of the kitchen there
stood at a great deal table an aged maid whose mien was somewhat
fidgety. This visible nervousness was increased with the labour
necessary to prepare the ponderous pile of soft dough-nuts she worked
upon; which, she said, when ready (though of little substance) were
intended to satisfy the Down-easters, who never expected much, and
seldom got anything. I pitied the poor old lady, for she seemed well
worn. She declared it was pinching times in the kitchen--that is, her
part of it. She prepared a deal of little niceties for the
peace-loving North: but, the General was so pinching with matters on
that side of the house, and had become so enamoured of the black pig!
This voracious brute demanded everything, and got what he
demanded--even got us into a deal of trouble. Indeed, it had been said
that all the swill in the country wouldn't satisfy him--he would seek
abroad for more. 'Needn't be afraid, old lady,' said I, edging up to
her in a polite sort of way: 'Smooth won't harm nobody. The New
Englanders think well of the women--they do!' Here I gave the old lady
my hand, and shook her's right heartily. 'Why,' I continued, 'there's
three Women's Rights Societies down Massachusetts way, any one of
which can start a breeze at pleasure--blow the men all into thunder! I
say, old lady, better join one of them--pay fifty cents, and blow the
men all into political rags. Musn't take what I say amiss; but you
looks as if you could do some blowing: the General standing much in
need of that article, why not volunteer? The General is going it
pretty fast now, but just get the Women's Rights Societies to blow him
a little, and he'll go fast enough for any Young American party out.'
After leaving the old woman, who said she was nearly related to
General Cass, I went politely to the other girls, bidding them, one
after another, a square down good-morning, ending with a social chat
and a smile for them all. On the opposite side of the smoky kitchen
stood the grim figure of a nigger wench, as big as the north side of a
Dutch lighthouse, and as saucy as Benton's goat. The way she was
making the wool fly over a sas-pan as big as old Zack Coffin's ile
kettle was a caution to nervous folks. 'What on earth have ye got in
that, eh?' I inquires, peeping over the side into the half-scalding
foam.

"'What business is that to you?' sounds, like thunder rolling away in
the distance, from t'other side the cauldron. Looking up almost
dumb-founded I espied the hard phiz of the General, in dim outline
through the fog and steam, stirring away at a massive ladle.

"'Pierce! Lord love yer soul--is it you?' says I, my feelings rising
into a rhapsody of affection for him: 'Give us yer hand.'

"'Yes, it's me; just come round here if you can see your way through,'
says he; and I fumbled my way round, and got him by the hand, and had
a hearty good shake, just for old acquaintance sake.

"'But what in the name of Columbus are you doing here?' I inquired,
touching him on the elbow, significantly.

"'Well!' he answers, rather undecidedly, 'just helping prepare this
pot of mixture for the black pig.' He kept on moving his big ladle
with one hand and throwing in additional feed with the other, from a
bucket that stood close by.

"I inquired of the General where he kept so dangerous an animal, and
was told in the most complacent manner that he ran all about, was as
ravenous of power as the gentleman of those lower regions we hear so
much about is of sinners; that he demanded all the country's swill.
Here the General threw into the cauldron another sprinkling of grits,
which he said was to complete the pot of homony. It was merely the
daily feed of the black pig, which the colored female assisted the
General in preparing. The General seemed very good-natured, and
commenced a mathematical description of the ingredients of the
mixture, when suddenly there came a fierce blow from behind, which
well nigh tilted him deep into the foaming liquid. I grabbed the broad
expanse of his nether garments, while the wench screamed, and was only
quieted when she found him safe under her broad lee. A deep sonorous
voice responded:--'Stir quicker in the feed!' I turned to see from
whence it came, and who had dealt thus unmercifully with the General,
when behold! there stood this hideous animal. With fourteen horns he
incessantly used, and two just growing, he hoped in time to use; with
a back of thorns he ever and anon threatened all who came near him;
with a tail of poison he defiantly lashed, and a wicked eye that
sought objects afar off--he was the most pertinacious brute unchained.
Moreover he had a snout like a ploughshare, with which he had
frequently driven Mr. Pierce to the wall.

"'Add more grits!' again the brute growled out, as if alike unhappy
with himself and those around him. The voice had scarcely delivered
its command, when Mr. General Pierce, as undecided as wanting in vigor
of intellect, turned gently round, patted the hideous monster on the
head--said he would do all he could to pacify him, though to appease
his discontent seemed impossible. Indeed, it was a fact that
notwithstanding much of the swill intended for the whiter portion of
the litter was sacrificed to this demanding brute, he illustrated his
gratitude by threatening to swallow Mr. Pierce into the bargain. This
was most unfortunate, seeing how much had been done to transplant the
breed to foreign lands.

"Mr. Smooth felt that for a President to be thus driven to extremes
was indeed an unenviable position. I told him I thought Young America
would do something, and, with a little advice concerning his
principles, passed on through the smoke and foam until I confronted
Uncle Jeff and Cousin Guth, both hard at work over a blazing fire,
frying a monster fish. Uncle Jeff's apron looked as if he did most of
the greasy work, while Guth looked on and directed the turns--now and
then whispering a word to the French cook, who with sparkling eye, and
oval olive face, and hair so glossy, black, and curly, was dexterously
compounding a luscious sauce. 'Going it on the strong!' said I, giving
Uncle Jeff a significant wedge under the shorts as he was about to let
the grease in the stew-pan fuzzle. Guth, who at the moment commenced
dredging in a little more pepper, and a little more butter, and a
small sprinkling of salt, said they had been trying to cook this old
fish for there was no knowing how many years, all to no purpose; but
now that the arts of the very best French cook in the country had been
secured he was sure to be done brown. Here he smiled and turned to the
cook in question, who bowed with such grace! Such a bow in the
presence of ladies would have secured his reputation. Indeed, the said
cook was extremely neat of person, though rather below the middle
stature, and was well thought of among lawyers and ladies, who
declared they liked his graces better than his gravies. 'He's of the
right stripe--a fillibuster cook!' said Jeff, exultingly, as Guth gave
the coals another stir. 'This is a Cuba flounder,' interposed
Guth. 'You see, Mr. Smooth, the General is exceedingly partial to this
sort of flounder, but he doesn't understand the quality of dressing
requisite to the cooking it--he must be done with native sauce. It is
necessary he should be fried in a southern griddle, with plenty of
native sauce--an article for which this cook of ours is not
celebrated.'

"'Well, gents!' rejoined I, 'if you do brown that old fellow this
season I'll knock under. However, don't be bashful about extending
Smooth an invitation to breakfast: understand, he is rather fond of a
good fish hash, which he thinks it is the profession of your French
cook to do up.'

"'Lord bless you!' quickly interrupted Uncle Jeff, 'being a good
Down-east democrat, your wish shall be gratified.' Then in great good
nature he told me just to step along, and a little further into the
dark smoke I'd find Grandpapa Marcy and Uncle Dib, exerting their
wondrous energies over a stew they were puzzled to get to the right
substance. Knowing that their good advice was much better as example
than the result of their actions, I wended my way along, leaving Guth
and Jeff to their frying, and soon came upon the two old worthies,
busily employed over stews of the most incomprehensible ingredients.
'That,' spoke Grandpapa Marcy, as I approached within hearing
distance, 'is the real democratic stew, it will cement hard shells and
soft shells into one strong conglomerate mass.' He pointed to a
punch-bowl held between their legs--(for they were seated on the
floor)--and containing a mixture they stirred with spoons containing
the Tammany-hall mark. For some time I stood contemplating the
venerable appearance of these two, nor could I resist a smile at the
singular occupation they had so readily adopted. Uncle Dib seemed
happy, and evidently had a keen sense of what the consistency of the
stew must be to make the flounder palatable. Grandpapa's countenance,
nevertheless, wore an air of deep anxiety. He had undertaken the
management of the most unruly set of cooks that ever infested the
kitchen of a respectable gentleman; and they had made a shocking mess.
And, too, Grandpapa, was unhappy; his clothes bore seedy marks, and
his breeches were in such a plight--it really excited our pity. I
called his attention to an unmentionable rent in a conspicuous place,
but he seemed careless about it--said it was of no consequence--and
that Uncle Sam was a good old soul, and always paid the tailor--he
knew from experience. Suddenly I heard the formidable negro-wench
raising her voice in admonition. She was scolding the General, who
still kept stirring in the homony grits for the black pig. Then a
noise came through the foam and smoke as of one in trouble. 'Faster,
faster!' it spoke, 'stir in more grits!' Then followed a loud splash
and a deathlike shriek; alarm and consternation spread throughout the
building. From the cauldron came the cry. Grandpapa moved for a
moment, as was his custom, declared the voice to be no other than that
of the General himself. Dib agreed ('There's trouble!' he exclaimed)
and both sprang to their feet, and with anxious countenances hastened
to the rescue, Marcy crying out, as he passed Jeff and Guth, 'Stick by
the flounder, boys! Stand firm; don't give in until he's well cooked;
we'll save the General--you dig in the basting.' The boys, as
Grandpapa called them, were crowding the charcoal finely. Always
having a taste for seeing what was going on, I kept close at Dib's
heels, and soon saw through the grim smoke where the trouble was. The
black pig had got the General poised by the nether part of his
breeches, on his Virginia horn, and was having a nice little game of
shuttle-cock with him, just for his own amusement, while his executive
victim shrieked most piteously, expecting every succeeding surge would
land him beneath the surface of the boiling mass. The old nigger wench
had fainted at the sight, and lay sprawled on the floor, as Marcy,
making a grab at Mr. Pierce's breeches at a moment when the savage
brute was giving a last vault ere he landed his victim into the
scalding homony, tripped his toe and brought his length upon the floor
beneath the pig's hind legs. 'It's all gone!' exclaimed the General;
and in another minute nothing was seen save the soles of his boots
protruding above the boil-surface. The surly brute, having generously
moistened Grandpapa Marcy's head, stood, his fore-feet on the rim of
the cauldron, gazed after his struggling victim, and held his head
high aloft in triumph. This brought Uncle Dib to the rescue. After
raising Grandpapa, with limbs extended, they drew forth the
half-cooked body, reeking with the black pig's swill, and laid it on
the kitchen floor, the ungrateful quadruped walking victoriously
away. Satisfied that I had seen enough for one day, I sought my way
back to the National, where I contemplated the next move necessary to
my mission.




CHAPTER VIII.

MR. SOLOMON SMOOTH TAKES A FISH BREAKFAST.


"Well, Uncle Sam, I reckoned I'd seen enough of the kitchen
arrangements; so I left them scraping the General--that is, getting
off the injured outside, in order to see what really he was made of,
and what he had beneath the undefinable cover. When in Washington,
there's nothing like going ahead; and if you can look a man into
respect for you, so much the better. Dignitary or no dignitary won't
do; you must always profess to be a distinguished individual. Well, on
the strength of the invitation extended by Jeff--to take a fish
breakfast on the following morning, when it was expected the flounder
would be done brown, I again repaired to the White House, and after
pushing my way through all kinds of passages and doorways, found
myself in a gorgeous sort of establishment.

"'Your lookin for somethin, I take it?' said a trim figure, whose face
rather bordered on the brassy.

"'Well! I reckon I am. Can you tell a stray citizen where the General
hangs out in the morning?' I replied, as he confronted me and paused.

"'Sartin!' he rejoined, interrupting me, and at the same time looking
very sociable, as if he wanted to have a talk on politics.
Nevertheless, it was getting close upon the hour of breakfast; so he
takes me by the arm, and stepping through a frickazeed passage up to a
large door which opened into a ponderously furnished room, 'I'll take
your card, sir!' continued he, with a low bow and a motion of the hand
to sit down.

"Didn't have a card at hand, but chalked down Mr. Solomon Smooth, from
Cape Cod, on a piece of thick paper per, that suited all the purposes.

"'Mr. Smooth belongs to the Young American party, if I mistake not?'
he returned, with a polite bow.

"'You better believe that, citizen!' says I, and off he goes, soon
disappearing through a door at the other end of the room. While he was
gone, I thought it wouldn't be a bad idea to take a survey of the
premises. So, lighting my cigar, I began at the top end first. Such
looking-glasses, sofas, carpets--so much fashion and flummery, that
nobody could tell what utility it contained, I never had seen
before. Tell you what it is, Uncle Sam, we have an expensively queer
way of representing our republican simplicity! As I was squinting
about, in comes the General, looking as bright as a newly-coined
cent. Running up to me, with hand extended, and exulting with joy, he
spake: 'Great kingdom, Smooth!--is it you?' And then he shaked my hand
as if he never would let it go.

"''Tis me too!' says I, giving him a significant touch on the
elbow. 'Didn't expect to see you looking so bright, General--rather a
bad kettle of fish that you unfortunately got into yesterday, eh?'--

"'Oh no--things like those are mere trifles; hardly worth mentioning
amidst the current turmoil of the day. That black pig is an ungrateful
brute, though, I must confess in confidence,' the General replied,
touching me on the arm.

"'He sunk you in the very swill you were cooking for him,
eh?--petulant brute!' I rejoined.

"'Well, Smooth,' said he, 'don't let us say any more about that; I was
deceived--most egregiously! How are all the Young Americans down your
way--the real go-ahead stripe?' he inquired anxiously: and we both
laughed heartily to see one another. 'They're all bright ends up,
General,' said I. 'General!' (I touched him on the shoulder) ''taint
more nor three years since we used to go fishing in old Sam Peabody's
pond; hain't forgot it, I reckon?'

"'Not I, Smooth. Give us yer hand for old acquaintance sake! No change
of power or circumstances could make me forget old associations.
Fortune may change, my feelings never; they have been and shall always
be with the people.' The General couldn't keep the dignity on, to save
his life; he was not born to do so!

"'Give us yer hand, General,' I demanded in reply; 'right glad to see
you, and to know that old New Hampshire's granite hills have not faded
from your memory, nor been absorbed in the quantity of swill it seems
necessary to provide for the black-pig. But, I say, Frank, what
harlequin-like changes politics take in a republic--now and then! Two
years ago, and who'd a' thought a' seeing you here? 'Stonished you
yourself, didn't it? Scarcely expected to brush old General Scott's
fuss and feathers into a cock'd up hat, eh? There's nothing like a
man keeping his mouth shut when he's got others to do the fighting for
him; you know that, don't you, General?'

"'Mr. Smooth is always asking some strange questions, or making some
queer observation!'

"'Now, General, I reckon how you didn't get the hang of this 'ere
establishment all on a sudden? Seems to me how I'd like to be
President of these United States about two months, merely to have the
satisfaction of straightening the cross-grain of political parties;
they have got so so crooked now-a-days.' The President just then said
he would take my hat, and hoped I make myself quite at home. As
everything seemed so comfortable, I had not the slightest objection.
'Now, Smooth,' he reiterated, spreading his length on a magnificent
sofa, 'I am anxious to hear how the Young American party progresses
down your way; and you must tell me all about it. I intend to give you
a roving commission as my minister in general.'

"'I'll do that,' I replied, and just when I was getting the story
fixed square, he interrupted me by saying--'One moment, Mr. Smooth; we
are going to have a flounder breakfast--it's the same old fellow you
saw Uncle Jeff and Guth cooking yesterday morning,--they've got him
pretty well browned--You must join us.'

"'Well,--have no objection; but tell us, General, how is the missus?'

"'Right well, Smooth; she'll be delighted to see you.'

"'And so will I to see the missus; I know'd her when she warn't
bigger nor Cousin Obadiah's Jane, and didn't think no more about being
Mrs. President of these United States nor my missus.' In answer to
which, the General said a respectable man might as well be President
as anything else--we all know how to be. Here we joined arms, and like
jolly fellows of a stripe, took a few turns up and down the
apartment. 'Well! here's pure democracy,' thought I to myself. Taking
Mr. President Pierce's arm doubled my independence--made me feel that
I was the left wing of his brightest hope. Having talked over a few
small matters of foreign policy, we sauntered together into one of the
largest, and longest, and handsomest breakfast rooms this side of
Texas. A table of great length stretched across its centre, upon which
was arranged in profusion, Georgia potatoes, New Hampshire bacon,
Virginia oysters and fried eels, South Carolina rice cakes, and Cape
Cod fish balls--all strong incentives to the stomach of a hungry
politician. Trim waiters stood round, like statues tailored and
anxiously waiting a guest's nod. As I cast a bird's eye glance down
the scene, in popped the General's missus, all calm, and with an air
of motherly gentleness that inspired me with lofty reflections on
woman's mission. As she approached with her hand extended, and such a
sweet smile on her face, I could not resist a salutation thus earnest,
and grasping it, gave it a good, warm-hearted shake. She said great
was her joy at seeing Mr. Smooth--plain Solomon Smooth. She could not
feel more joy were I an Emperor--no not even were I a governor of
Hungary, who, having lost the chance of winning a diadem, would Uncle
Sam lent him aid to regain it. In another minute the gong sounded, the
great doors at the opposite end of the hall opened, a train of
serious-faced gentry entered, and as unceremoniously took seats. Mr.
Smooth being put down number one, took a seat beside the missus. After
a blessing had been dispensed, the conversation turned on politics and
potatoes. A potent-looking individual, who sat not far down the table,
said the Union was known by its magistracy, which being an established
fact, should make it incumbent that no chief of this great and growing
nation leave the federal chair unmarked by some bold stroke. 'Good!'
says I, 'Smooth always went in for bold strokes--they are just the
things to make outsiders knock under--' Here I was just getting up to
make a speech on behalf of manifest destiny, when a gent who ought to
have been voted into the army as a regular cried out:--'Keep cool!
keep cool! Mr. Smooth.'

"Scarcely had he ceased speaking, when Uncle Caleb Grandpapa Marcy,
Cousin Guth, and good-natured Uncle Dib, and the grindstone-man,
Fourney,--all dressed in bright aprons, and white ghost-like
night-caps--made their appearance, tugging and puffing at a hand-bier,
on which lay the much-talked-of flounder. Jeff, who walked in front
with a drawn sword, wheezed, and Grandpapa grunted, and Dib said,
'Carry a steady hand, boys!' and Guth said he would bear up his part,
which was the tail part. Staggering along under the load, they brought
forth in solemn procession the flounder, and after a good deal of bad
diplomacy, laid him, like a stuffed whale, on the table. The General
was not quite certain about the catch of this flounder; but as there
was nothing like having a dash at things now-a-days,--'here's go into
it!' he exclaimed. 'I don't believe that fish is cooked enough,'
retorted John Littlejohn, a statesman of very elastic capacity, who
spoke for Uncle Bull, on t'other side of the big pond.

"Looking as if he were about making a longe into him, hit or miss, the
General seizes up the big carving-knife (generally used by Grandpapa
Marcy) and asks who will have the first bit? The pall-bearers, still
retaining their bright aprons and white caps, had taken seats at the
table, among the guests. 'It's all for me!' mumbles a sullen voice; no
one knew from whence it came. 'It's all for me!--who are you?'
reiterated Mr. Pierce, kicking under the table: 'I believe in my soul
it's the black pig, who always pursues unto the death what he
considers his!' True enough, there the savage brute was, lashing
everybody's legs, and threatening destruction with his wicked
mouth. No one knew how he got into the dining-room; but where the good
Uncle Sam had anything to eat or give, there he was sure to be,
demanding more than his share. After a hard tussle, Grandpapa and
Uncle Caleb succeeded in driving him out of the room; albeit, it was
only for a time. The unsatisfied animal was always keeping Uncle Sam
in a fuss, and the folks about the White House in an uproar. 'That
critter is always crying 'Me first!' rejoined Uncle Caleb, who, having
lost his white cap in the tussle with the black pig, looked funny
indeed.

"'A Cuba flounder!' exclaims the General, who continued to work
diligently, his face flushed as crimson, but I as yet he had failed to
secure the first slice. It was evident he had made a stroke too bold,
and would now be compelled to draw back a little--perhaps to take a
few more lessons in the diplomacy of carving. And while the General
was trying to get the knife into the neck part, the critter opened its
mouth, and gasping looked as if it thought some of swallowing a whole
cabinet of philibusteroes.

"'The brute ain't cooked yet--if it don't open its mouth!' proclaimed
the General, the hair almost standing on his head, as he reclined back
in fright.

"'The critter's going to be generous, I do believe!' chimed in
Grandpapa, whose white cap, during the moment of excitement, had
fallen over into Mrs. Dobbin's plate; from whence that good-natured
lady, in the moment of anxiety, removed it to her lap, and ere she had
been served found it near her pretty lips, under the mistaken
impression of its being a napkin. Grandpapa, discovering his loss,
politely developed the dear lady's mistake.

"'Tell you what it is General; you'll have to be mighty careful, or
that Cuba flounder will swallow all the shiners in Uncle Sam's brass
box without yielding anything in exchange,' I insinuated.

"'Not a bit on't!' says Uncle Jeff, going off into a state of
excitement: 'Just lend me the carver; I'll put him through;' and
seizing the knife from Mr. Pierce's hand, and the steel from
Grandpapa's, he was just on the point of making a thrust into the
fish, when his mouth again expanded, his fins fluttered, and out came
a long roll of paper. 'What on earth is that?' inquired the astonished
General, as Jeff unconsciously let the knife fall in fright, and
Grandpapa gave an anxious look toward the door, as if to measure the
distance between it and his chair,--while John Littlejohn applying his
glass to his eyes, squinted seriously at it. 'He's not just done
enough for you yet, gentlemen; I think you had better let him stand
awhile,' remarks our Cousin John, rather coolly. 'You cannot
republicanize him, unless you change his head and heart; I can tell
you that, my good fellows.'

"Uncle Jeff, at Grandpapa's bidding, took up the roll of paper, the
text of which Mr. Pierce requested him to read. 'A protest, your
Excellency!' said Jeff, the paper vibrating in his nervous hand. 'It
says, this is to notify Brother Jonathan, that the extreme largeness
of his appetite, insatiate in its demands for my body, shall never be
gratified therewith. You are far-seeing, have grown powerful, and are
rather a good sort of fellow, Jonathan; but I'm not quite ready to say
I should prefer either to belong to your household or provide your
table with dainty dishes. The fact is, Jonathan, and you know it, when
disposed to think on the square, we are not prepared to denounce our
league loyalty and come over to you; common sense might have convinced
you of this fact. The world protests against your forcing propensities
in this little affair between us. For more than two centuries have I
remained at peace; let me so continue. I admit that kings, queens, and
courtiers, have feasted on my fatlings, and even discomfited me, and
caused much discontent among my people; but even they would rather
bear the ills that be than fall victims to your black pig's will.'

"'Well!' interrupted Uncle Jeff, looking suspiciously about the table,
'if he ain't the toughest old flounder I ever did see!'

"'Shouldn't be surprised if you found it so!' replied the fish, his
spacious jaws opening, and the end of another parchment slowly
protruding from his mouth. 'Read that! I must get somebody to help me
to eject this instrument.' The General wrested it from its mouth,
turned it over and over, and tried and retried to read it. 'It's a
protest from John, my Uncle, John Bull and Johnny Crappo, which
says:--'We, the said John and Louis, having entered into a sublime
alliance with our sublime brother of the East, by which one great and
mighty power has been concentrated, do humbly beg Mr. President Pierce
(for whom we now have and ever hope to entertain the very highest
esteem) that he take heed how he dips his fingers into other people's
political pies. And, further, while exhibiting so earnest a desire to
appropriate the choicest delicacies of his neighbors to the cravings
of his black pig, to be a little more modest. Now, we, the undersigned
Louis and John, whose names--in alliance have become mightiest among
the mighty, are duly convinced of the many inconsistencies,
irregularities, and breaches of _good_ faith, together with the many
petty acts of tyranny, the mother of this Antilla flounder has been
guilty of, to her own disgrace. But greatness should be known by its
forbearance with the weak; hence we should bear and forgive. Yea, we
admit that her footprints are marked with blood--that her history has
numberless pages written in blood--that her arrogance and avarice have
blotted out her national virtue, and now work like a battering-ram her
downfall. Yet, as arrogance is but another name for weakness, is it
not better to brush off than kill the wasp? The principle herein
contained we have, in the sublimity of our power, adopted as an
example to the nations of the earth. Jonathan! we like your
amiability; we esteem you as a keen fellow, who, large of trade, and
wise in the ways of a cheap government, may well boast a happy people:
bridle, then, the audacity of that southern ambition, lest it betray
you into unforseen difficulties. Let peace be the guardian of that
commerce now teeming its grandeur and wealth on your shores; and in
all kindness, Mr. Pierce, do we speak, when we say,--look to those
_things_ you send into foreign lands to represent the quiet grandeur
of our institutions: send the gentleman whose conduct may be a means
to great ends, for ruffians leave their little stains behind.''

"'Well!' exclaimed the General, his large square face reddening with
anxiety, as he turned to Uncle Dib and Grandpapa, 'I should call this
the insolence of sublime power. Let them try their sublime power on
this side of the Atlantic!' Here the General gave his head a
significant toss, and wiped his lips as he added,--'_Young America_
can whip the three.' This pithy speech being received with great
applause, he reached over his hand, and was about taking mine, when I
warmly embraced his, saying--'Give me you yet, General! Messrs. John,
Louis & Co., having consolidated their sublime power, must not
entertain the idea of making a menace over here. We have no means of
questioning the legitimate qualities of this sublime joint-stock
company; but we would advise its keeping decidedly cool about matters
this side of the big water, lest its stock get to a very low-water
mark. This old flounder, nevertheless, is a hard case for cooks, nor
in my opinion will he be made softer by that celebrated French cook of
yours, whose process is that of too suddenly piling on the charcoal.
In fact, I believe it not untrue that in political cooking a Frenchman
is more a man of muss than method. This you, General, might have known
before you engaged him to cater for Spanish appetites. In truth, (it
must be told now and then, General), that black pig you so fondly
nurse, and which you can neither tame nor make grateful, is
sacrificing us to his poisonous litter. And, too, he is dividing his
own pen; and when pigs become divided among themselves, refuse to eat
out of one trough, and threaten to devour each other, they are sure to
become an easy prey to the bore of fractional sovereignity.' With the
exception of the General, all listened attentively while I spoke: he,
exhibiting little concern, arose with the calmness of moonlight, and
was about to make some remarks, as the flounder again opened wide his
mouth, which produced a pause. 'You are right,' joined in the
flounder; 'that black pig's love of territorial feasts knows no
bounds, nor will he stop at that point where justice sets the limit;
he will continue his insatiate trade until common sense and generous
sentiment interpose and exterminate him. Here is another paper for
you--read it! It is the protest of the people of free, enlightened,
and happy New England: they protest against being swallowed up in your
black pig's bowels!' Again the flounder mechanically closed its mouth.

"'And my old governor across the water will not view with indifference
this black brute's ever-threatening disturbances. He watches long,
waits patiently, moves cautiously, but enters upon the execution of
his plans with monstrous method,' interrupted Littlejohn, who spoke on
behalf of his nation, and for the _status quo_ of nationalities in
general.

"'I say, neighbor,' rejoins Mr. Sam Blowaway, a leader of the national
Young American party, 'pears how, if your old chap over there attempts
that game, he'll get himself boots deep into a scrape he'll not find
it so easy to claw out on.' And Sam got right up, and looked brimstone
at him, straight across the table.

"'I'm methodical, but not easily repulsed: impulsive acts do not
constitute valor,' returned John, rising coolly and dispassionately.

"'Grandpapa Marcy now got up to say a word or two, but Mr. Pierce had
the floor, and demanded--Order! Order, gentlemen!--Order in the White
House! My boys want to get me into trouble, but I feel that I can yet
regulate my own household!' he rejoined, with a peremptory tone that
excited surprise.

"'Yes,' replied the flounder; 'I say so too. If you do not keep quiet,
and live in harmony among yourselves, I will be the means of
swallowing you.' Just at this moment the black pig, with savage grunt,
bounded fearlessly into the room and upon the table, where he
confronted the flounder with open mouth, overturned the table, smashed
all the crockery and pewter, made the uproar and confusion complete.
The pig and flounder fell upon each other, wrestled among the wreck,
nor ceased until, like Kilkenny cats, they had nearly devoured their
substance. Such a chaos of excitement as followed! Grandpapa and Uncle
Jeff ogled one another in fear and trembling, women fainted in the
arms of gallant men; the General, covered with fish gravy, cut the
more sorry figure, as with thunderstruck countenance he raised his
hands to protest to the nation. Meanwhile the guests suddenly
disappeared, and Grandpapa seriously damaged the broad disc of his
unmentionables; while Uncle Caleb, shaking his sides with laughter,
stood his comely figure in the doorway, the thumb of his right hand to
his nasal organ, and his fingers making five angles, quizzing the
General in his dilemma. Esteeming it rather an ugly situation for
Mister President Pierce, for whose dignity I had a special regard, I
picked myself up, made an apology, bowed myself to the great door, and
left the General to his pig. 'What a mess you have made of it!'
thought I, and straightaway ascended the cupola to watch the nation's
emotion.




CHAPTER IX.

MR. SMOOTH CIRCUMNAVIGATES THE GLOBE.


"When the nations of Europe give themselves up to the sword, let us
aggrandize ours with the arts of peace. This is my talisman. In that
commerce which is our nation's pride there is more of greatness than
war can give, more of power than armaments can command. It would be
well, Uncle Sam, if you pondered over this; because, having your
pockets well lined, war could supply numberless valiant sons ready to
do the emptying of them. This was a private opinion, which forced
itself upon my mind as I (having received a commission as minister in
general to Mr. Pierce) engaged passage in a spacious balloon, with
which to navigate this little globe of ours, and report here and there
on the condition of our international difficulties. Indeed, some of
those difficulties required looking after. And as no man should permit
his dignity to take the upward turn when a penny may be turned, I
reckoned on turning what I learned to the very best account. That you
spend your money very foolishly, Sam, is as true as sunrise; but more
than that, you intrust your honor (which is more precious than your
gold) to those who are seen abroad only to misnomer us. To counteract
this state of things is the primary object of my mission round the
globe.

"This I was anxious to impress on General Pierce; but he seemed to
have a wavering bump on his head, and not seeing his way clear, came
to the peculiar conclusion that Mr. Smooth had a very novel head, full
of novel notions. But he told me, by way of becoming enlightened on
the affairs of other nations, to keep a bright look-out, note down the
items, and see where we could turn the go-ahead of our people to
account. As most of our small disputes were with Mr. John Bull, who
was prone to keep open any quantity of very vexatious questions,
Mr. Pierce thought it good policy to make John Littlejohn a fellow
voyager with me. It was not a bad idea, seeing that Mr. Pierce had an
inward hatred of the Britishers, nor thought a war with them would be
the most unpopular thing in the world, inasmuch as it would attach to
him the Young American party, which said party might in gratitude
render good service to his re-election. Upon this principle
Littlejohn's company was acceptable; and when he joined me at the
National we had a social bit of a chat together about the matter. John
was not a bad fellow when once you knew how to take him, but he had
qualities of character which at times seemed at variance with what he
would have us believe were his straightforward principles. It was this
trait of character, at times defying analysis, we had to treat with
most care, lest unconsciously it embroil us. My friend Palmerston
might without prejudice be taken as an excellent representative of
this unfortunate trait. 'Now,' says John, in a methodical sort of way,
'there are, to be honest, (and acts will prove the truth of a
principle), two great pirates in the world. You know that, Smooth,
just as well as I do.'

"'No I don't,' says I.

"'But you do!' he returns. 'There's your Uncle Sam: he will steal all
territory adjoining his dominions,--in a good-natured sort of way,
merely to work out the problem of manifest destiny. As for my old
gentleman, Uncle John, why he has a dignified way of doing things,
always plays the part of a bold gentleman, and when he joins a kingdom
it is with a modesty so quiet and genteel. You needn't shake your
head, Smooth,--such are facts; nevertheless, they are both tenacious
of their rights--a national trait of great value,--and will shed a
river of human blood to gain a very small point on paper. Like two
great gamblers, they are opposed to the principle of give and take,
standing steadfastly by the _take_. Once they were father and
son--thus, the inheritance may be pardoned; and when they quarrelled
it was not to be expected the son would relinquish the traits so
paternally bestowed. Now the parent is obstinate and the son 'cute;
but the son has an eccentricity that prompts him to outwit. Not
unfrequently the father lets the son--just for peace sake--have his
own way; but this letting him have his own way has inclined his heart
rather to the ungrateful than otherwise. His demands are at times
somewhat funny, and when made known surprise a world. And now that
they are so firmly and extensively identified with each other in
pursuits of the noblest character, would it not be a sin to quarrel?'
Thus spoke John, very complacently.

"As he got through, the negro produced some liquor, piping hot. To
be good-natured, and keep cool, is one-half the battle; and to move
those very desirable traits of our nature, we put a hot punch a-piece
into the mentality of the inner man, smoked a couple of long nines,
bowed compliments, and packed up our duds for the voyage. There was a
great gathering where the balloon was blowing up; but Mr. John
Littlejohn and me walked cordially down and took our seat, bundled in
our traps, and sung out, 'Cut away the strings, and let her go!' I
said I would steer for Uncle Sam, and John said he would steer for Mr.
Bull; so, not feeling inclined to quarrel about the point, and knowing
full well that the mother of constitutional governments (some
facetiously called her the mother of constitutional incongruities)
always liked to have the first trick at the wheel, we tossed
coppers--after the fashion of good-natured diplomatists, when a large
stake is at issue. 'John!' I enjoined, 'let us keep calm, and put the
point to a test that never fails!' Here I gave him one of those pats
on the shoulder so impressive, and pulled out a double-headed cent,
like unto those so much in use in General Jackson's time, when shaving
decapitated the deposits he found himself mounted on the back of a
brass jackass. 'Here!' I continued--'Heads, I win; tails, you lose.'
To come the sharp over him in a more square sort of way, I gave him an
unmoved look straight in the eye, as I twirled up the copper.

"'I'll take the chance,' ejaculated John, and down came the other
head. His countenance, you may be assured, wore a singular
seriousness. The truth was, that John always had one strong idea in
his head, and made a strong effort to keep that one straight, to the
sacrifice of all the rest. Acting upon that axiom that so stimulated
the wood-sawyer who expected to be President of the United States in a
very few years, we cut away the fastenings, and having ascended high
among the clouds, sailed from the mist heavenward to the blue arch
above. Our position was not the most firm; but as Young America had
the helm, and rather courted than feared danger, the result could not
be doubted. Now and then Mr. John looked somewhat stern of
countenance, and turned pale when I crowded the charcoal. 'Be careful,
Smooth,' he lisped now and then, grasping my arm as he took a look
below--'Be careful; you know what a go-ahead sort of lot you are.
Your party would think nothing of going to the d----l, if it were only
with steam power.' It was indeed a dangerous position for large men
with small ideas; but as Young America was a small man with large
ideas, the case became reversed. Well, we headed square for
California, and proceeded at lightning speed, fast overtaking that old
slow coach of refulgent light that has made sentimental the wild
wisdom of the poet-world. Soon old Jacob's face loomed out upon its
broad disc, looking as good-natured as a Dutchman over a pot of lager
beer. My friend John seemed rather moody and dogged; however, we soon
got within hailing-distance; and having provided myself with a
speaking-trumpet--John having forgot his--I esteemed it good policy
to, in a social way, have a small quantity of talk with Jacob, who,
although a common sort of person, I felt assured must be well posted
on matters and things concerning manifest destiny. We were running bow
on, and at the moment I seized the trumpet for a blow, Jacob sung
out--'Good morning!' just like a free and easy citizen, who had sense
enough to be approached at any time without walling himself up in the
dignity of that thing called a duke. His voice was like thunder, with
reechoes for accents. 'Mind your helm!--you steer rather wild, there!'
he spoke.

"'Old feller! don't get into a pucker; there's not a mite of danger,'
I returned. 'Just hold up a little, and let us have a bit of a talk!'

"'Well, don't mind if I do,' good-naturedly returned the old man. So
we hooked on to his establishment,--laid her aback in the wind, and,
as the sailor would say, 'came to.'

"'Who are you, anyhow?' continued Jacob, getting up and shaking
himself.

"'Well, I'm Young America (Jacob shook his head, doubtfully, at the
name) and my friend here, is Cousin John, from across the water. We
are going to take a view of state affairs around this little globe of
ours, that we may report to General Pierce in particular.'

"'Then you're from the States down yonder?' rejoined the old man.

"'Just so!'

"'Ah,--go-ahead fellers down there, they are! But they've got to mind
their moves just about this time.'

"'Seeing it's you, Jacob,--and knowing that you must be worn down with
toil, s'pose we strike a trade in a small sort of way?' Jacob shook
his head, and replied:

"'Like your folks for their masterly energies, but rather not trade.'

"'That won't do, old fellow: you must come out on the new principles
of civilizations. Who knows that we may make an arrangement to annex
your little establishment to these United States! Young America has,
you see, yet to fulfil the functions of manifest destiny.'

"'Don't, pray don't, bring your Young America about my dominions!' he
exclaimed, interrupting just as John Littlejohn was about to speak.

"John spoke, inquiring if his preferences were not for him? He knew
old Jacob would like to annex his dominions to Great Britain, seeing
that he carried out his annexation in a quiet sort of way. Jacob
laughed right out--laughed irresistibly; laughed as if he meant it for
something. 'To be honest with you, gentlemen, and I know you'll excuse
me for being out-spoken,--I want nothing to do with either of
you. You'll both steal territory; and as for you, Young America, take
a word of honest advice--be contented with what has honestly fallen to
you, covet not that which is thy neighbor's, but improve what thou
hast of thine own. At the same time, take particular care how thou
sail in this very lofty atmosphere. Your manifest destiny may fall
into martyrdom.'

"'That's right good advice, Uncle,' said I, (interrupting him), but it
would be better it did not smack so strong of that fogyism whose
obstinate policy won't let the progress of those United States come
out. Anyhow, Jacob, seeing that you have got such a nice stock of
territory, dotted with fascinating hills and plains, upon which good
speculations can be made in starting a speculation in churches, as has
become the fashion, doing a little in the tin business, laying a few
railroads, and building up factory villages, we must have a treaty of
commerce--at all events!'

"'No! no! no! You've large inards, Jonathan; and your youngest
son,--Young America,--has got such a pair of eyes! I'm afraid of him.
No objection to joining in three cheers for Hail Columbia, almost any
time; but save me from your claws. You're both great pirates: pray be
merciful to your neighbors, and spare me my Independence. Your little
place down there is become troubled with wars and rumours of
wars;--the shedding of innocent blood in streams at the caprice of
imbecile princes, who make the bones and blood of their subjects the
waste material with which to serve their incarnate ambition, tells me
to beware. Beware of ambitious princes; the world would be well rid of
them!'

"'Like to hear you talk so, Uncle Jacob. Reckon how you've studied in
a New England school! There the greatest power springs from the humble
people. Anyhow, Jacob, since we can't strike a trade, nor do a thing
or two in the way of speculation, s'pose we take a drop of whiskey
punch?'

"'Can't object to that,' he returned.

"So, Littlejohn and me set about it, and in a very few minutes had a
first-class punch brewed, of which old Jacob supped most lavishly. In
fact, he liked it so well that I reckoned he had forgotten to stop
drinking; and Littlejohn felt somewhat nervous lest the old fellow get
fuddled and turn everything over. John reckoned I'd better give him a
cold julep to wipe down with; but Jacob said he much preferred hot
things, that his profession was quite cold enough. So, after we put
the punches down, and smoked some cigars, and received some good
advice about being careful how I proceeded, we loosened the strings
and bid him good morning: it was coming faint daylight, and Jacob had
to be jogging. Just as I was leaving, my heart felt kind a
down-pressed to think what gorgeous territory he had spread out to a
feller's eyes, without the slightest chance of making an operation for
a small portion of it--say just enough to get a foothold.

"Westward we went with breathless speed, soon losing sight of Jacob
and his luminary. 'You better reef down, Mr. Smooth. Should anything
give way, and you tumble out and break your neck, the democracy would
go into mourning,' said Littlejohn, who had kept very quiet up to this
time.

"'Not a bit of it!' I answered, 'our democracy is like Parr's Life
Pills, enervating and elasticating. You may break its head, but you
cannot kill;--it belongs to the heart, and springs from the laws of
right.' At this Littlejohn began to get dogged,--to shows signs of
very bad nature. Knowing this was most unprofitable to him I yielded
indulgence. To be good-natured in cases of Emergency is a most
valuable trait; and to whip a man for being ill-tempered, when nothing
can be made at it, is most absurd.

"The world outside of the United States is inclined to believe
American democracy something next to infernal--that it must have
everything it sees, and turns everything it comes in contact with into
dollars, cents, and republicanism. To such it is a mysterious power,
moved by chemical agency. As for Littlejohn, he thought that in
addition to our speculative spirit we should be governed by modesty,
an example of which his forefathers had set us. This he recommended on
the principle of a gentleman who keeps up his dignity, gaining one
half his object through the influence of his mien. Many said this was
the precise material General Pierce was most deficient in; and that if
the General would preserve more dignity and less bluster his
administration had been marked with results more in keeping with the
true character of the nation. Old Uncle John could brag stoutly; but
Jonathan was a magnificent player at the same game. I realised this as
Littlejohn took a long look over our wonderful West, and asked by what
singular process of diplomacy we got to many fine states, so richly
burdened with natural resources? He reckoned we must have come the
_smart_ of our go-ahead principles over the French, Spanish and
Mexicans, and then insinuated ourselves into their dominions. But,
this being the smallest end of an Englishman's ideas whittled down to
the very point of self-conceit, Smooth thought it best to be
good-natured and make the best of his calmness. The fact is, John
Bull and Cousin Jonathan must be good friends; strife is the dire
enemy of good order, while war becomes the assassin seeking to
overthrow those principles of constitutional liberty, both nations so
wisely combined in their constitutions. Why tear down the noble
edifice you cannot rebuild? why blight the cheering prospects of
thousands to gratify the vain ambition of pedantic politicians?

"'Hallo! Smooth, my dear fellow, what place is this below?' cries out
Littlejohn, looking over, as the balloon made a B line westward.

"'That,' I interrupted, 'used to be called the 'far West.' Now it is
getting to be the centre of civilization. It goes ahead of the march
of progress, while outstripping comprehension. Upon this great expanse
will spring up the materials for feeding every hungry and oppressed
citizen this side of sun-down. We can already raise anything,--from
mountain of corn to a river of pork,--on it; and as for the nigger
crop, there's no end of that!'

"'And that yours, too, Mr. Smooth? Your fertile acres stretch from sea
to sea.' Little John interrupting, pointed all over the broad expanse
below. He had no generalized ideas of America, no distinct estimate of
her productive and maintaining powers, and less knowledge of that
machinery so simply beautiful called her government. He never for once
thought how this wide western expanse was destined for the back-bone
of the mightiest republic the world ever knew. People without homes in
the old world found happy homes there; civilization drove the buffalo
from his wonted haunt to give place to man; man himself yielded to the
power of progress marching westward. 'Now, Littlejohn.' said I,
'seeing that your people have but an imperfect geographical knowledge
of our country, let me tell you that yon black ridge you see afar down
is the range of rocky mountains. Colonel Fremont, a small man, slim
enough to split the wind, but as tough as Uncle Seth's whip-stock,
climbed the loftiest peak, hung his hat on it, made the stars and
stripes on a rag--(in accordance with necessity and the go-ahead
spirit of our country)--hung them flying in a snowstorm, whistled
Yankee Doodle three times and proclaimed them ours in the name of the
United States. All this was smooth and fair,--done in the spirit of
our go-ahead, all-accomplished diplomacy.'

"'Ah!' interrupted Littlejohn, 'your appetite for bits of territory
runs monstrously that way.'

"'Yes!' I replied; 'but, John, give us your hand-on that point we may
honestly embrace, and declare ourselves now even two. You are as
modest as an archbishop on salary day, and seldom openly embrace
territory; we prefer the frank style in all our adoptions. Let us not
quarrel over that--you love freedom, we love free government. Our
political thoughts are moulded in one die, though self-interest may
vary them. To be mutually just toward each other, to live on terms of
friendship, and preserve that amity which is our bulwark, serves well
that unity of great principles which conserves and preserves our
happiness. Yea! cursed be the hand, and stagnate the breath raised
against that peace and good-will which saves us from the monster of
war.' Here I grasped firmly and earnestly John's hand, and would fain
he forgot the past and thought only of the future. Looking down, 'that
is New Mexico,' said I, 'a small corner we just hooked on to our large
establishment; we let all these little ones come into the same
nursery, where a generous mother watches their wants and provides for
them as circumstances demand. You, John, treat your colonial babies
with singularly cold diet; in fact, you often permit them to become
stunted and ill-tempered for want of proper care in the home nursery.
You see, Texas was well nursed, and now her territory is fast filling
up with the hardy sons and daughters of your land; but, would they
become new beings, and enjoy equal rights and equal privileges, they
must divest themselves of those servilities which in your country one
class unfortunately endeavors to enforce upon the other.' John bowed,
but gave no further heed. Presently we came to the Mormon settlement,
and here he set to chaffing me about equal privileges. 'We always had
inconsistencies in our social system,' he said; 'just see how many
wives these Mormons have got, and what a nice thing they are making of
equal rights. You beat us there, Smooth; we Englishmen would never
think of such sort of thing.' John looked very innocent and honest,
which, added to his dignity so naturally put on, was enough to make
one's face square up into a broad smile.

"'Permit me, John,' returned I: 'we tend well the great things; this
Mormon evil will work its own remedy! Westward the wave of empire
rolls on; that's the word we speak as the world looks on, grudgingly
acknowledging its truth. We nurture small things that they may become
great; we make men feel themselves living equals, not inferiors; we
put the lowly emigrant in moral progress, and from his mental
improvement reap the good harvest for all. By sinking from men's minds
that which tells them they are inferior, we gain greatness to our
nation. Simon Bendigo is made to feel that he is just as good as
Blackwood Broadway; and Blackwood is made sensible of the fact that he
is no better in the body politic than any other man.'

"'Now, Smooth, just let me interrupt you in your train of Yankee
logic,' said Littlejohn; 'the safer a man feels his position the
better is it for the nation; but the policy of equality in men, though
it might do for your young place, never would do for ours. Age and its
attendant glories demand different rules of guidance for society. All
your fancy articles of freedom, equality, and dignity among common
people become doubtful, when subjected to long practice. Our people,
sir--take my word, not unworthily--are above considering such
degrading innovations; their grades of society are a sacred
protection.'

"'Ah! those are English opinions, iron-bound. Your social institution
is a perfect curiosity shop, where everything old may be stored away
unmolested, but upon which the man of plain sense looks distrustfully,
while sycophants waste contemplation in devising means for its
preservation. How few estimate the cost to a nation of maintaining
those ancient inconsistencies so preserved by governments of the old
world!'

"'Never mind that, Mr. Smooth; these things are our own, and on us
will the evil recoil. Be not so earnest in condemning us, for the same
sins you lay at our door are fast developing themselves in your
would-be fashionable society! Your society is fashionable without
being refined. Your aristocracy is a base imitation of our snobby,
revelling in the heartless hording of gold, and vaunting of bad
English.' John looked down ere he finished, and seemed taking a
bird's-eye view of the great Utah territory. The Great Salt Lake I
assured him was where the venerable navigator Noah discharged his
ballast of salt bags. As for the settlers on its borders, they were
the followers of Joe Smith, a veritable descendant of Ham, who never
was known for the good he did. That clever mouthpiece of English
opinion, the _Times_, says they will one day confuse and cause much
trouble to the people of the United States; but this is only the
offspring of that one strong idea so characteristic of Mr. John Bull.
Now these descendants of the veritable Smith have a fantastic
appreciation of many wives--a strange delusion in which there cannot
be much happiness; but beyond this they are a very harmless people,
who, beyond the sin of having many wives (and if this be a sin, it may
be found at many a cleaner door!), may be excused from much they do.

"'One word, if you please, Mr. Smooth!' suddenly interrupted John
Littlejohn,--'it is in that the dangerous element of your Yankee
nature exists. Once beyond the neutralizing sphere of public opinion,
you go in for all sorts of vagaries, the more inconsistent with strict
order the better.' This crimination was certainly as fast as out of
place; John was, indeed, too ready to censure us without a
forethought. We had given these deluded creatures a home in our land;
we had received them as citizens, though most of them were subjects of
that land of freedom where the chains fall to give place to
flunkeyism; we had protected them in their wilderness home--should we
not be generous, and forgive their errors rather than punish or
provoke the delusion? Preferring more than one wife is not originally
American: on that score Uncle John cannot shake clean the skirts of
his garment, nor proclaim his virtue as white as snow. Ere this
conversation ended we had arrived over California. Standing up I gave
three long and strong cheers that astonished and awoke John from the
moody reflections into which he had fallen. There the great El Dorado
spread out in golden plains, teeming their rich treasures into Uncle
Sam's apron. Then, all bright and full of busy life, rose San
Francisco, the stars and stripes waving gracefully from a thousand
temples. A thousand ships, like monsters sleeping, rode on the calm
bosom of her waters;--a busy throng of merchants filled her broad
avenues; while houseless, anxious, and never-despairing mortals, like
swine at large, rooted her broad plains for gold. A country, by the
aid of that Anglo-Saxon energy which carries liberty and civilization
into the remotest corners of the world had risen, like a young giant,
from a wilderness to a flourishing State. Already was it a world of
industry, every man working for the main chance. John could not
suppress an expression of gratification,--the sight was bright of
promise; but, he added, he much feared his countrymen would view it
with a jealous eye, inasmuch as it might become a means of deranging
their beautiful organization of very fashionable society. We were made
up of an indescribable compound of common people and shopkeepers, he
added, shrugging his shoulders and changing slightly his position. He
forgot that the absence of two of the greatest evils a nation groans
under had brought its blessings on our land,--Mr. Smooth refers to
pauper lords, and lords who make paupers. Great men there sprung from
the commonest ranks to take the best care of the nation. They
discarded the expensive nonsense of maintaining dignity which polluted
independence: they respect the poor man's rights and brighten his
prospects; they seek to promote the good of all and fear not the few!

"Smooth, in humble solicitude for the reader's feelings, begs he will
join him again while proceeding on his course. Proceeding at a rapid
rate we had well nigh lost sight of the El Dorado, when John made a
significant motion, which, being translated, meant that he would like
to take another glass of hot punch. To this proposition I readily
consented; after which we lighted two real Havanas, and rolled on as
resolute as a flying Dutchman. It was with some effort that John
curbed his natural feelings. The punch, being placed in the right
place, seemed to create new thoughts. 'Queer fellows you are!' says
he, to talk of freedom and equal rights. 'Why, you have got a human
property market open, and more than three millions of souls up for a
bid. Mark my word, Mr. Smooth, the voice of sorrow for your human
commerce will yet shake the stability of your country. When slavery
drives this country to sectional issues; when it corrupts the federal
power; when it serves the ambition of those who would drag us into
foreign broils; when patriotic men, North and South, ceased to come
forward for the safety of a confederation, then will sectionalism wage
its angry wars against a noble edifice, whose foundation history tells
us must totter under the siege of strife.'




CHAPTER X.

SMOOTH PRESERVES YOUNG AMERICA'S RIGHTS.


"Day dawned through the gray mist of the East, as crowding the old
institution, we sailed swiftly through the air, over the calm
Pacific. Soon San Francisco seemed but a speck in the dim distance.
On, on, on, we sped, until the land passed far out of sight behind.
Our next business was to hang in suspense our hopes, and await the
welcome sight of land ahead. John strained his eyes, and I did the
same. Two hours passed, and the welcome moment arrived. 'I see it!'
exclaimed John--'Land oh! Land oh!' In a frenzy of joy he had
well-nigh upset the barge and spilled us out. Then he pointed his
finger to an object in the distance that seemed like a lonely steeple
holding watch over midnight.

"'I see it!' I rejoined--'it's land--a new discovery: I'll call it
Uncle Sam's Land.'

"'A little more moderate, if you please, Mr. Smooth,' retorted John,
very politely. 'Seeing it first, I claim the right of calling it
Prince Albert's Island.' John was inclined to exchange any amount of
diplomatic notes, but I inquired, in a plain sort of way, what would
be the good it could confer on his country? to which he folded his
arms, and replied curtly, that having it was the thing sought for by
his government. He might institute the Established Church on it, and
create any amount of Bishops, with good fat salaries--a thing
all-desirable in the eyes of the Saviour. We use these out-of-the-way
places,' he continued, 'as a means of relief to our over-crowded
population and pensioners. We are heavy of pensioners, while our
governors are prone to create dependencies, which they do in
consideration of the very large stock of gentlemen always on hand, and
most clamorous to be provided for at John's expense.'

"Having arrived over the spot, we found it an out-of-the-way island;
upon which I suggested that it would be better to drop the stars and
stripes, with a note to the chief (if one there existed) desiring he
would put it up in the name of our great Republic. John, taking the
initiative, began to draw from his pocket a bit of bunting; but so
methodical was he, that before he had completed the process I took
from my pocket a piece of red chalk, and on my white, Sunday nightcap
figured the Stars and Stripes. This done, I rolled it round my
jacknife, and let it slide downward ere John had his Union Jack
ready. Down it went, like a thunderbolt chased by a streak of chain
lightning. 'Put that up, in the name of these United States' thought
I,--'we'll take care of that little bit of territory.'

"'Well,' interrupted John, looking as serious as a May moon, 'it's
Yankee outright: I confess the Union Jack can't keep up with the Stars
and Stripes, nohow!'

"'Give us your hand, John,' said I, 'we'll be good-natured anyhow,
seeing the positive proof that we both belong to the same school. We
are types of two very progressive and honorable gentlemen, who, in a
very modest sort of way, do pirate territory now and then, merely for
the sake of that inevitable result the extending good constitutional
principles has. If our small faults creep above the surface now and
then, the influence they have is more than counterbalanced by the good
which may come. But, while we both affect a deal of modesty, and are
ever criminating and recriminating each other's acts, would it not be
well to acknowledge the motive by which both are moved to the same
greedy propensities? Think it over, John; and at the same time let us
join--just to keep up the good-nature--in another glass of whiskey.'
He said he had no objection, so filling up, we drank to the very best
sort of friendship, John winking and blinking, as a squall just
springing up began to increase.

"'That place--we were both a little too fast, John--is inhabited, as
I'm a Christian. I'll bet a cotton-mill it is!' I returned; and before
the words were cold I saw a French sentinel pacing as straight as a
handspike in uniform, and as mutely savage as a scare-crow in a
corn-field. There he was, moustaches heavier nor a goat's smellers,
_a la_ old guard. Not a great way behind his Saxon neighbors, he was
watching No. I; just keeping an unoffending eye on Queen Tamerhamer's
little place. That tawny sovereign had insulted the French, but it was
difficult for them to define the nature of the offence. However, they
claimed the right to mount guard, if only to the end of getting a
better foot-hold. Poor, hapless sovereign! she thought more of her
tinsel than the French did of her rights: thus the small difficulty.
Frenchmen are clever fellows in a small way, have very pliable ideas,
which they can change with wondrous celerity; they aim to do good, if,
through their eccentricities, they too often fail. They are pleased to
consider themselves more refined than Americans, and yet they are more
deficient in moral courage--that moral courage which is made to
conserve the good of the State. An Englishman's reserve, a Frenchman's
politeness, and a Yankee's go-aheadativeness,--all contending for the
palm of honesty, form the curious illustration of an eventful age.

"'Let us push on, John, across the calm ocean we shall soon arrive at
Shanghai,' said I, confidentially.

"'Yes!' returns John, interrupting me, 'and I wish we could get a
glimpse at Japan. Other nations have supposed it impregnable; but
Jonathan has found his way to the very gates of the Emperor's palace,
which he now knocks at with might and main. How fantastically he is
dressed! Coal-basket in one hand, and Bible in the other, he is
cutting what may be properly termed figure number one.'

"'Certainly!' I rejoined, 'that is the figure to make safe our
country's interests. Trade and civilization is Jonathan's _motto_,
While 'go-ahead' is the pass-word that has placed him where he is--in
power. Jonathan demolishes the aristocratic fantasy of dignity, and
builds up the greatness of a people with the simplicity of trade. We
never had the most distant annexation design on this little empire,
but we want coals that our commerce may be fostered and protected in
its march over the world; and, if we chance to do a little trade while
teaching an isolated people their proper position, so much the better
for the world and manifest destiny. The absurdity of celestial
pre-eminence must be removed from the minds of those who yet maintain
it at the expense of Christendom. If we can sell the Emperor's people
Lowell cotton, at the same time you are selling them Manchester
stripes, where can be the objection? There can be no harm in promoting
that which has for its end the interchange of good feeling between the
most distant nations of earth: interchange of commerce infuses its
spirit of energy, and its results are for the good of the many. But
those interchanges between progressive and non-progressive governments
should be conducted with caution and kindness, in order to preserve
mutual respect. The double-sided Dutchman prostrates himself before
the barbarian whose commerce he seeks; but in doing so he enlists
contempt for his nation, without aiding to tear down that
superciliousness of the barbarian which is the greatest enemy of the
world at large. Better were it he approached that monarch on equal
terms--to, it might be, compel him to reconcile his feelings to the
force of manifest destiny. Smooth will stand the odds that Commodore
Perry gets the better of the Dutchman, comes the independent over the
Emperor, and makes a contract for the establishment of cotton
factories and churches all along his coast. 'Land! oh,' suddenly cried
out John, at the top of his voice--'another patch ahead.' In another
moment he shrieked out:--'There you go--good by!' As I overreached to
sight the object far beneath, one of the stays broke, the balloon
careened wildly, and making a dashing circle high in the air, out we
tumbled into the wild waste of space. Finding myself going, I reckoned
it was as well to keep up the philosophy, and remain cool. 'You're on
the passage, too--are you, John?' inquired I, finding him turning the
most artistic somersaults in his descent. 'Yes,' he replied, in a tone
indicative of sorrow; 'blast you, and your Young American policy. This
is the natural result of soaring above a reasonable level.. Your
manifest destiny is finding its proper depths now!' John was terribly
chagrined; he reckoned Young America was a shade too fast. Flying, he
said, was at best a mighty poor business; once again on firm footing
he would for ever look upon manifest destiny as the most aerial thing
of the fast nineteenth century.




CHAPTER XI.

MR. SMOOTH IS RIGHT SIDE UP.


"'This side up--with care!' said I, finding we must come down, and
keeping an eye on John, who looked as burly as a drifting ale pipe in
a head sea, and whispered something about Young America being an
unpleasant companion to sail the air with. Feeling how much better it
was to be good-natured, I took the matter mathematically, trusting to
the best. To be always right end up is a principle never to be lost
sight of. There was land below us, firm and frowning; which, before we
knew where we were, we had slipped into, like preserved meat, up to
our arm-pits. Poor John made an awful blubbering; seeing which, I told
him to be good-natured, and at the same time inquired if he had worked
up his whereabouts on the way down.

"'A pretty affair this!' said he, angrily. 'Here, on a desolate
island, surrounded by a broad ocean, what chance is there for us to
save ourselves, or ever again make the confines of civilization?
Despondency knows no joking; and, in such a perplexity, questions
about reckoning are out of place. You may make light of it, Mr.
Smooth; but, if you please, let us think of some way to deliver
ourselves,' grumbled John, sweating, puffing, and blowing. Finally, he
said he wished the old gentleman with the horns had made a previous
demand on him, inasmuch as it would have saved him the trouble of
dying on so desolate a spot, which to him seemed the sorest grievance
of all.

"'You groan over it some, don't you, old fellow? Reckon how you hain't
seen a Yankee try his ingenuity. Just puff a spell, until Mr. Smooth
calmly studies a little philosophy, which is a mighty good thing in
cases of emergency like this,' I remarked in reply, getting my ideas
into a fix, in order to bring out the best point of operation. Working
myself out in a cool sort of way, I seized hold of him by the
shoulders, and yanked him straight out, like a log from a marsh
slough. 'Now, take it all for the best, John,' I rejoined
encouragingly, going to work and putting up a liberty pole, to which I
tacked the stars and stripes, while John was grumbling, growling, and
methodizing about saving himself. This done on behalf of my country,
and Young America more particularly, I set about erecting a hut,
wherein we could both turn in for the night. With me it was sink the
desponding and keep up a stiff spring of hope; but when bed-time came,
John made a great fuss about his night-cap and dressing-gown, and
slippers,--as if the comforts of home were inseparable. Then he made a
crooked face about his bed, while I laughed at him for his whims, his
fancies, and his dogged pedantries. However, morning found him
better-natured, and taking advantage of the opportunity, we held a
consultation upon what was best to be done. That we were on an
uninhabited island not a doubt existed: nor had any son of civilized
man ever visited it before: not so much of civilization as a gallows
was there to be seen anywhere, although there were visible in the
distance many mountains, and plains, and valleys, and lakes swarming
with fish. With these a people might have flourished, while the soil
was pregnant of richness, ready to bring forth corn, rice, tobacco,
and cotton. I was grieved that such a spot should lie wasting; all it
wanted was a few sons of New England to make its resources of great
commercial value. A ponderous mountain rose nearly to the sky, distant
some two days' journey, in the west. After breakfasting on wild fruit
(of which there was a great abundance) and limpid water, we set out
for it, making a straight line through the forest; but before reaching
the summit, and after three days' scrubbing, we discovered smoke
curling gently upward here and there in the clear blue atmosphere.
'Lord bless ye, John!' I exclaimed, halting suddenly, 'there is living
critters here, as I'm a Down-easter.'

"'I see 'um moving!' he rejoined, nervously surveying the spot. And
in another hour we were in the midst of a tribe of savages, swarthy
and of vicious appearance. Such yelling, hallooing, jumping, and
cutting wild antics, you never saw before, nor could pen
describe. Nobody could have understood their chattering, which was a
species of growl and shortly accented muttering. Forsooth! it was as
unintelligible as that language so generally diffused through
diplomatic notes and protocols. Now hideous squaws ran one way, young
children another. Dogs and cats brought up the rear, their music
combining in most ungrateful medley. John's fears became excited as he
saw the chiefs rushing furiously onward in the van. 'What shall we
do?' said he; 'they will exterminate us.' I said we had better summon
all our amiability and endeavor to engraft ourselves in their good
graces. Young America would talk Yankee to them. To this John gave
ready consent. I was glad to see that for once he had laid aside his
dignity and superciliousness: it was freely acknowledging that Uncle
Sam was somebody--that he could, in his plain straightforward way do
clever things. Therefore, to initiate my diplomacy I drew forth the
Stars and Stripes, and held them before a monster chief of some seven
feet in stature, who had almost reached us, making savage
grimaces. Soon he stood before us, John commenced to bow with all his
politeness, and meekly doffing off his hat, began a speech
with:--'Your sublime majesty--' 'Stop that, John!' I exclaimed firmly,
interrupting him. Here I stepped in, and extended my hand to the
savage. 'My name, stranger,' I continued 'is Commissioner Solomon
Smooth--at home they call me General Smooth. Now, seeing that I am
sent by our patriotic President (a very small man by the way, but
immeasurably large when dealing in the mere language of war) whose
determination that talent of a truly American character shall shine
abroad has been fully appreciated by the nations honored with his
promising plenipotentiaries, Mr. Pierce has deputed me to square the
world in general, and manifest destiny in particular.' The savage at
first exhibited signs of concern, but finally summoned to his aid a
salutation of welcome, and at the same time grasped my hand warmly and
earnestly. Communicating with him by signs was not the most agreeable
office: but when there is a point to be gained energy is always well
spent. I would enlighten him upon matters connected with our
government, while ascertaining his ideas of annexation: this the
language of signs prevented my doing. I regretted this exceedingly,
inasmuch as it compelled me to forego the comparison I contemplated
making between his and those known ideas entertained by General Pierce
himself. Enough, however, was drawn from the signs to prove a
striking coincidence. 'Never bin to Washington--I reckon?' I inquired
assuming the independent, as I gave my hat an easy set on the windward
side of my head. He shook his head, and croaked out something no one
could understand. 'Great place!' rejoined I--'ought to come over and
see it, old fellow.' I affectionately placed my arm about his neck, as
he shook his head a second time; the small kindness had made us good
friends. Motioning John to him, he grasped our hands, led us to his
camp, called a council of his people, who said much it was impossible
for us to understand. Indeed, they set up a conflict of sound more
dinning than the roar of waters. Instinctively hospitable, when
dinner-time came they motioned us to sit and partake of a piping dish
of snakes' heads and fried beetles, of which choice delicacies the old
chief was sorely grieved that we ate but little. Now and then he would
spread his hands, as if to say--why not eat of what I give you? I was
not long in becoming acquainted with our new acquaintance; nor did I
fail to shock the modesty of our worthy friend John, who said he could
not view with indifference the celerity with which I walked into
things which should be touched only with the dignity of national
character.

"'Now stranger,' continued I, addressing myself good-naturedly to the
chief; 'seeing you are sovereign of this remote but lovely
country--and that yours is manifestly an empire--suppose we try a
little trade. Smooth is a free-and-easy citizen of the United
States--can meet you at and be friendly over anything. My friend
here,' (I pointed to John who seemed in an offish mood) 'is a
Britisher, an honest member of that very ancient and gallant family
which now views us, too often for that spirit which should make us
friends, as a beardless upstart; John, though extremely vain, is not a
bad fellow, and at times improves on acquaintance. If his proclivities
for getting into an hole (like a toad in a shower) are at times too
strongly manifested, who so ungenerous as not to forgive the
hereditary character of the disease?'

"'Umph! umph! whew!' exclaimed the chief, as he spread his hands and
contorted his face. We could not understand him; pained were we that
we could not. He felt keenly the misfortune, shook his head in sorrow;
and murmured, as if a world separated his thoughts and ours.
Modestly, John touched me on the shoulder, and whispered:--'S'pose we
call this distant Britain? you can have the next discovery. I'll
proclaim it in the name of my sovereign--it will be quite right;' John
was inclined to do the very honorable on the sly; but, being of
opinion that he had appropriated to himself enough in that sort of
way, I interposed a decided objection. 'Governor!' I retorted, taking
the chief by the hand--'if a good speculation you would make, annex
this little empire of yours to our great Republic. Manifest destiny
will make you one of us; but don't wait for that. Hook on while the
link is hot--you'll find it a good speculation. Young America will put
your nation through a process of regenerating: he will make steam
civilize when everything else fails; he will send his Transit Company
to take possession of the government. We seek not, like John to
conquer--we colonize. You may be one of us; by accepting Young
America's offering you may be as independent as a colored preacher on
Sunday.' The chief gazed in bewilderment--his people muttered still
more.

"John now became furious of anger. 'We, too,' he interposed,
'colonize. Say you will come under the protection and acknowledged
allegiance to our Queen, and yours shall be a scarlet coat, a cocked
hat, and a great broadsword wherewith to fight your way in the world.'
The chief moved his head doubtingly, as his body vibrated from head to
foot. What strange opinions invaded his thoughts! He placed his broad
hard hands gently on our heads, drew us lovingly to him, and smiled.
In that smile was that which said we were both good and honest, but
needed much watching. We were, indeed, good specimens of our separate
nations, but the free-and-easy seemed most acceptable to the savage.
'Governor!' I continued to address the chief as I turned to John,
'beware of his fascinating coat of scarlet. Such things may charm the
little; sensible men know their worthlessness. Hang out the
star-spangled banner, espouse popular rights; let the rest of mankind
know you belong to a nation whose destiny is the overthrow of kings
and kingcraft on one continent at least.' Still, mutely the savage
listened. There was no getting English into his head; hence I saw the
necessity of gaining my ends by signs and motions, after the fashion
of our modern diplomacy. Say what you will, mute diplomacy is not
without its effect. At it I went, in a style that put French dancing
entirely into the shade.

"'Your Yankee figuring won't play on his head, Smooth,' spoke
Littlejohn, in a tantalizing sort of vein. 'He is less a fool than you
take him for.'

"I calmly intimated that he might be right, but inquired if he ever
knew a Yankee out-yankeed? John folded his arms, and got his face well
adjusted within the circle of his ample shirt-collar, which he had
preserved unruffled during his fall. Suddenly I remembered that in my
pocket was a handbill of Uncle Obadiah's clock factory, upon which was
broadly emblazoned a time-piece of modern fashion. Its effect was
electric. No sooner was it displayed than the barbarian's eye glowed
with anxiety; the gaudy picture carried his heart and soul captive to
Uncle Sam. In his ecstacy he threw his arms about me, hugged me and
fawned me, and in his joy was well nigh devouring me. Poor John stood
outdone--dumfounded. The sight was characteristic.

"'Principles, in these days of development,' mumbled John, as with the
fingers of his right hand he stroked his chin, 'I admit give way to
circumstances. To say a difficulty exists you Yankees cannot
surmount--to say an invention is known you cannot improve and apply;
to say a remote colony exists you cannot people and govern, is a
calumny gross indeed. If they fail to gain the end they aim at by one
movement they will resort to another more bold--success must follow.'
John grudgingly made the admission. Had he possessed the forethought
to discover how the point was likely to turn he would have provided
himself with the picture of a business-like ambassador proceeding to a
great convention with only thirty-two females in his train, as might
have been seen at Vienna very recently; or, better yet, the picture of
a duke's flunkey, which, being the more ridiculous of the two, would
to the savage have proved the greater attraction. But John turned
coldly and methodically from the subject. His ancestors had made so
many sovereigns! he said. Nothing to be gained, his thoughts were
turned now to the means of getting away from the savages. Not another
day would he stay; I was at liberty to start any amount of young
Republics. Apprehending difficulty from his state of excitement I
counselled his better nature, and brought to the rescue the quiet and
cheerful of his curious composition. It was the only way to surmount a
great difficulty. Preserving, then, the calm of a philosopher, I set
about inventing something to take us from thence, to a more congenial
land. Smooth, with progress in his head and grasp in his fingers, can,
upon the same principle that he can start something to please our
nation, create some thought for the relief of two distressed
individuals. One half the failures in the world are the result of the
mind magnifying the undertaking into an impossibility, instead of
setting about it fresh and vigorous--making a determination to achieve
the object. The American nature has become bold of adventure, and one
of its greatest characteristics is, never to stand in doubt when an
experiment is to be tried.

"'Yes, but, Smooth!' he interrupted, 'you don't consider that we
British officials abroad are placed in a very unpleasant position. Our
acts being at all times liable to disapproval at the Foreign Office,
we too frequently remain passive for want of faith at home and
confidence in ourselves. The spirit of the Foreign Office is like a
weathercock on wings; we are a mere servilage to the uncertain changes
and caprices of those who may chance to be its Chief.'

"'By that, I understand you know not how to act; and to avoid being
wrong you remain inactive, that course being likely to receive the
most praise. My good fellow, lesson from Young America,--act boldly,
take the responsibility on your own shoulders, and abide the
consequences. Be an independent citizen,--let your acts be your
country's and your own;--and whatever the result may be, meet it
manfully, that moral courage may strengthen your cause. Now, then, let
us set about building a canoe; let us imagine we can do a prodigy and
it shall be done!' At this John's spirit became restored.

"We went to work in right good earnest, and, with necessity for an
incentive, found ourselves at the expiration of three days master of a
fine canoe, with which we drew down the astonishment of the natives.
Two days more and we bid them a touching farewell, promised to call
and see them again, bring cotton, cloth and sundry Yankee notions,
with which to start a trade between them and the people of Salem,
Massachusetts. Supplied with fish and porkmonhunter, a savory dish
prepared by the natives, we set sail for Shanghai, I being skipper of
the craft, and John mate. Nothing should seem to one's mind too simple
to learn, and I learned to navigate by what the sailors in times past
called the rule of thumb: the rule now came nicely into play. Energy
is the master of difficulties; the application of it is all-necessary
when they present themselves. Adhering to this maxim I took the helm,
laid down the course, and steered for Shanghai, while John kept a
close watch on the stars. At times he would work lunars in his head,
as did the Macedonians. Laughable as it may seem, John was just
credulous enough to think that savages in these out-of-the-way parts
of the world were honored with a north star, and amused himself with
speculations on its identity. As luck will now and then favor the
unfortunate, so we, after a voyage in which were any amount of storms
and hair-breadth escapes, which it will be needless to describe here,
arrived at the expiration of the tenth day safely at Shanghai. To know
precisely where one is, and feel safe on terra-firma after a
tempestuous voyage, makes the heart leap with joy--and with joy leaped
mine.




CHAPTER XII.

MR. SMOOTH MAKES A FEW REFLECTIONS.


"Shanghai seemed a place of adventures and uncertain speculations; its
people were a medley of all sorts of human kind badly propounded.
Perhaps I should except that numerous gentry called fleas, so averse
to travellers that they at once set about biting them out of the
town. Two days in Shanghai proved quite enough. So, viewing it
advisable, we packed up our alls, and on foot shaped our course for
Scinde, a territory rather out of the way and very remotely situated.
Littlejohn, still my companion, said his honorable Governor got
possession of it in a very dignified sort of way; nevertheless, he
thought it advisable that as little as possible be said about the
process. The truth was, it was not distinctly known what the rest of
mankind said about it.

"After much journeying and hardship, we found ourselves in the heart
of Scinde, which looked desolate enough to have been under any other
than British rule:--we speak merely for the honor of British rule!
'This, Uncle John's, too?' I inquired, touching John on the shoulder.

"'Beg your pardon!' he returned, with affected indifference.

"'Does Britannia rule this territory?' I reiterated.

"'Well,' he rejoins, hesitatingly, 'as to that--Smooth, give us yer
hand--there is something to be considered; we believe in dispensing
blessings to mankind; and that all men, great and small, may have
their share, we aim to infuse our principles, and make them understood
throughout the world. It's all for humanity and the good of
Christianity; but, you see, we have for a long time tried to make
these foolish Princes comprehend the benefits resulting therefrom
without success, and were really forced to harsh measures. We were
sorry it was so, but, being the case, we, as a national sequence, had
to resort to conquering. Now, though it may not be always necessary to
apply the principle of conquering to do good, it follows as a rule
that good must result where the conqueror is a Christian power, whose
only motive is progress and civilization for the good of all. The
Anglo-Saxon teaches the barbarian to know himself; and when he has
done this he endeavors to infuse principles of trade and
constitutional government into his mind; but not daring to leave him
to himself, he reluctantly, nevertheless, is compelled to subject him
to his rule. I frankly admit we refrain from doing these manifest
destiny things, as you call them, with the same boldness characterized
in your proceedings with Mexico. Our East India Company may not be the
very best institution in the world for governing purposes, for it is
dangerous to invest a trading compact with governing powers, inasmuch
as selfish interests will conserve to keep the power of the governing
superior to the best interests of the governed, even though they be in
the majority; but the Company is a great machine for civilizing and
keeping civilized, that trade may not lose its influence. It teaches
these poor devils of natives to talk English, and, sir, can you
calculate what a blessing that will be when it comes into general use?
By and by we will be enabled to turn this vast empire into one field
teeming with the richest produce.'

"'All right,' said I, interrupting his sentence: 'we will yet agree on
something. In the meantime, let me inquire, John, why you did not
add--what a blessing it would be did they but understand the English!
Your modesty and their insane bigotry furnish a strange group of
nondescript governments, which Uncle John covetously fathers, though
they be the illegal issues of that very honorable dredging machine,
whose grapnels, always extended, are for ever bringing up something
new. In truth, this company so strong of power, which it sways on the
penny-wise principle, and so pampered by royalty, is ever troubling
honest Uncle John with its unfortunate affairs.'

"'It never will do to talk in that kind of way, Smooth; 'twill never
do! When you Yankees make grave charges, you forget to clothe them
with style and dignity: they are things of much importance in
government matters, and then it never comes to much for small men to
prate against powerful bodies pursuing formidable enterprises.'

"'Listen, John!' I retorted, laying my right hand good-naturedly on
his left shoulder, 'that which takes from a country without previously
spreading nourishment to sustain it is a dredging machine, and will
sooner or later dry up its resources. It takes out, but forgets to put
in, thinking only of the present, while the future invites an
enlightened policy to nurture and bring out its richer resources.' But
with these small misdemeanors we would not directly charge Uncle John,
who is at times as honorable as he is dogged; but he, fathered as he
is with the responsibility, is seriously to blame for this neglect.
Viewing these things in their proper light, John and Jonathan,
stimulated by the same virtuous inclinations, and weighing well their
distinctive prowess, should be careful not to offend by petty means:
how much better to encourage friendly relations, than wound a
sensitive but worthy national pride! Promising to criminate after this
fashion so much in vogue no more, we left the desolate Scinde,
continued our way across an immense waste, where might have risen up
one of the mightiest and most fertile empires. An enlightened policy
only was wanted. The people were ignorant of their power and
resources: John had conquered, and viewed it well to keep them so. His
East India dredge did not dissent to this verdict. My friend John
thought the acquisition well approved. But the people, he said, were
worthless; they added superstition to ignorance and fierceness, and
obstinately opposed the bettering their condition. 'Without attempting
to burden your credulity, Jonathan,' interpolated John, 'the truth is,
we well understood the nature of this people, and having failed to
conciliate them in one way betook ourselves to another, and in our
characteristic style chastised them into submission.' John spoke with
great seriousness, never for a moment lessening his air of dignity.
Indeed, it embodied and acknowledged serious mode of docilizing a
people: how much real attachment between the conqueror and conquered
must follow this system we leave the reader to contemplate. The
honorable Mr. John, notwithstanding, had a very circuitous way of
confessing the fact of having taken into his family, by this arbitrary
system of wedlock, no end of people; still he accused Jonathan of
using his soft-sawder for the same purpose.

"Journeying a few days through a country rich of soil and rivers
turned to no account, we reached a dominion called the Punjaub, which
John said had limits he knew not where, and was his, too. He acquired
it by the same bold and very honorable stroke of policy. The chiefs,
he said, kept up a continued jarring among themselves; such being
fatal to their best interests, he, as a friend, merely stepped in to
put an end to their unprofitable disputes.

"As I have before told the reader, this honorable individual, who
sensitively declared nothing could make him less than a gentleman,
never failed to consider himself a model of forbearance, but in the
fulness of his generous soul, having conquered, he rather preferred to
remain conqueror. In the Punjaub John had left his mark, but nothing
to praise.

"Despairing of finding something to praise in the Punjaub we passed
over into Pegua--John's also. Got by the same bold stroke of policy--a
few variations excepted! It was rather a fascinating piece of
territory, to the Rajah of which he had several times offered
protection, after the manner of that protectorate of two centuries, so
vauntingly claimed over the Mosquitoes. The barbarian as often
rejected it. This, John could not submit to: humanity demanded he
should accept the kind proffer. And to serve the ends of humanity did
John hasten to the Rajah's palace one Commodore Lambert--a pugnacious
seafaring diplomatist, known for his love of the yard-arm law. The
Commodore would hold a parley with the Rajah; the Rajah, whose dignity
was first to be consulted, was too slow in preparing his palace. The
Commodore, erratic of temper, was at times accustomed to growl for his
own amusement; he now growled for the amusement of his countrymen. The
result was natural. In the littleness of his vanity did the Rajah
imagine himself a very great man. He was important of those small
follies which prove the great misfortunes of old nations. The
Commodore must wait in the sun, with becoming respect for his
dignity. But the seafaring diplomatist esteemed the importance of his
cloth above all barbarian considerations, hence decided himself
insulted. As patience is essential to the success of diplomacy, so the
Rajah deemed it expedient to test how far that quality was possessed
by the Commodore, whom he permitted to wait two hours in a vertical
sun. This was too much for the patience of any respectable gentleman,
and only resulted in exciting the petulance of the before-named
sea-going Ambassador, who just demolished a few out-of-the-way towns,
and pocketed the kingdom for his Queen. From this it will be seen (we
make no allowance for John's acceptance of the issue) that the vanity
of a Rajah and the petulance of a Commodore cost a kingdom. Littlejohn
said this was the way Pegua slipt, almost unconsciously, into the
possession of his family. The process was of itself so innocent!
Language to praise it sufficiently John could not find. Diplomacy
having large claims on the observance of etiquette, cannot permit
insults to go unpunished, said he. The Commodore, too, was in
diplomacy a fast sort of man, and could not be excited to anger
without a consideration--which said consideration was no other than
that the aforesaid Rajah just hand over the kingdom. Spunky boys are
Uncle John and Cousin Jonathan! To that end the Commodore pitched into
the Rajah, thrashed him, bagged his dominions, and would as little as
possible were said about it. Here, then, it was clearly shown that
what John charged Jonathan with was but a facsimile of the crimes so
profusely spread at his own door. Great governments are at best
thieves; and to claim a superiority of modesty in acquiring dominion
is poor moonshine badly spent. With these contemplations we agreed not
to quarrel, but continue our journey over Turkey homeward.




CHAPTER XIII.

MR. SMOOTH SEES A COUNTRY GREAT IN RESOURCES BLIGHTED BY A NARROW
POLICY.


"Difficult is it for a man travelling in a country where everything
seems crooked, to keep up straight ideas. I have said crooked, for
where nature has been most profuse in her blessings, and no signs of
the iron sinews of progress are seen; where no Mississippi steamboats
move on in busy occupation, opening up the resources of a country;
where no bright villages hold to light the charms of hardy industry;
where the favored few gather the fruits of the husbandman's
energy--something must indeed be crooked. Through countries enamelled
of nature's best offerings, as fine as ever spread out before the eye
of man, we travelled; but all seemed wasting away in the inertness of
bad government. A narrow policy had spread weeds where fruitful vines
would have hung blessings for mankind. Things called men revelled in
what to them seemed luxury, but in poverty and wretchedness a people
struggled; men walked to and fro in tattered garments, colored like
unto their moral and physical degradation. But they heeded it not, and
were careless because no one cared for them. There is no slavery so
abhorrent as that of the menial who has no thought beyond the narrow
sphere of his servitude, and the little pleasure which his light heart
may transitorily enjoy. Here men saw no vitality in the hand that
ruled: hence they maudled through that deadening scum of servile life
that tramples better things beneath its feet.

"From the fertile bottoms of the Himalayas to the Indian ocean on one
side, and from the Burmese boundary to wherever British rule extended
on the other, there spread out the same sickly prospect. There,
resigned, stood outlined the same apathy of spirit, the same result of
misgovernment--the same soul-degrading influences; the same rebuking
spectacle; the result of the same wealth-dredging principles practiced
by a few. Cotton, corn, and sugar, would have repaid the hand of the
husbandman tenfold, nature having given it germ for that purpose; but
jungle grew in their stead, while bad government rioted in its
follies. Nationality had no soul, energy no lifesprings, progress no
railroads to move onward. The honorable John, having conquered, and
very modestly enthroned himself, was strong to maintain his
centralizing power, from which point he would make effectual his
blighting policy. Notwithstanding this, John would have us believe him
world-wide in his kindness, desire his power made known to mankind in
general, and stood ever ready to have his philanthropy and his tears
spent upon the sorrows of the American slave. Were they not more
needed in his own Indian dominions? A peasant clothed in rags picks
his little spot of sickly cotton as it falls from the bowl; but how
valueless is it to the poor wretch ignorant of the first principles of
trade! Yet, instead of providing for his improvement, this honorable
dredging machine which so disgracefully governs a people flatters him
into contentment with promises it never intended to fill. With his bag
of cotton gathered, the humble subject is pointed to a path through a
country infested by dangerous bands, over which he may seek a market
some hundred miles distant. In its crude state he roughs it, and
sweats it, puts it through--without a gin to give it market
value!--all the various processes of damaging during the transit, and
is surprised that India, with the best soil and climate in the world
for such an object, cannot raise a good and sufficient supply of the
raw material. What a look of pity the wretch might bestow upon the
board of directors, sitting in pompous conclave in Leadenhall street!
Happy is he, Jonathan, who, contented, knows not the things at his
hand by which his own condition may be bettered. And how blind is that
rule, which, having the power to do good, contents itself with
dragging eagerly away the first compensation. The penalty of the crime
of not developing what is given us by nature for a nation's good is
the sacrifice of a people's happiness. My friend John reluctantly
acknowledged the delinquency. Mark the contrast! Had this
all-bountiful India been ours, a more liberal policy would have
produced results widely different. No oligarch could have sacrificed
it to its own avarice; associations would have sprung up for
developing industry; a policy to make the resources of the state serve
general interests would have been established, and the good of the
many had been kept in view. Cotton-growing, and tobacco-planting, and
rice-cultivating, had been encouraged and fostered. Those rich
alluvial bottoms, so fertile and yet so uncultivated, had given out
their rich harvests to some purpose--untaxed prosperity would have
rewarded the hand of the hardy husbandman. India would then, besides
proving herself the greatest exporting empire in the world, have
clothed, fed and made happy her benighted millions.

"Had India been ours, Yankee enterprise had traversed it with plank
roads; Yankee enterprise had laid down strap railroads until better
ones had resulted from profits; Yankee energy had invented a species
of Mississippi steamboat, wherewith to navigate its narrow
water-courses to their source, and there develope the capabilities of
the country. Yes, Yankee ingenuity had had a steamboat where there
was scarce water for a duck to swim. But why pain the feelings with
recapitulations like these? Its resources are of little value when
government interposes a dogged obstinacy to improvements; nor is it
much better where a people seem at a loss to know whose business it is
to give out the incentive. So long as this state of things lasts will
Cotton remain king, and Uncle John be its most servile and dependent
subject. It matters little that his empire is so beautifully adapted
to its cultivation. He must shake off his love of those very ancient
and effeminating systems of his, and adopt the modern policy of
improving and nourishing industry.

"John admitted things were not conducted on the most approved
principle; but as the business belonged to the old gentleman, who was
very testy in the exercise of his power, he was at a loss to conceive
what we had to do with it. That became very easy to explain; for
whereas Young America claims a right to dictate principles that will
aid in working out manifest destiny, so also does he take upon himself
the right of pointing out the evil of all political misgovernment that
falls under his notice. It was not the honorable manner in which a
government acquired new territory or incorporated weak provinces, that
Mr. Smooth had to deal with, but the dishonorable government that
followed. Wherever waste and misery meet the eye of an energetic man,
who discovers the palpable cause at the door of wrong-headed
government, his natural feelings revolt against the powers that be;
and to an American, trained in the New England school of universal
industry, the desolation seems calling upon him to take the initiative
of working out its improvement.

"With me, a feeling, inspired by the best of motives, prompted the
advancing some rules of improvement; but, conscious of Uncle John's
obstinacy to being instructed by youth, and with a just sense of the
obstacles my tattered garments would present, the inclination
failed. Indeed, John, as dogged as he is old in experience, views his
son Jonathan as a bold, reckless, and discontented fellow, whose
notions of progress he would receive with the same cautious hand he
would his, to him, preposterous principles of republicanism. He, while
entertaining some good feeling for us, hath an inert prejudice which
views us as levellers, always reforming or abusing reforms. Swelled,
he says, by large notions of ourselves, generous in our expectations,
and never ceasing in our love of excitements until we are safely
landed in the grave, we are become dangerous to the great family
compact. In the devil's department, says John, your Young America
would prove his energetic nature by devising some new arrangement,
addition, or modification of that gentleman's sin-roasting machinery.
Failing in that, he would plan some enterprise, propose some
joint-account operation with Mr. Jones, and content himself with
'truck-and-dicker,' or charcoal, for his half of the spoils. In
heaven, your Young American would be discontented, unless he were
devising some improvement, getting up spiritual intrigues, or laying
the foundation of some new species of glory--perhaps claiming a right
to entire possession.

"'You must understand, Mr. Smooth,' said John, 'we have long been
meditating a new policy for this great and fertile empire, now so
desolate; but we pursue ends most patiently, letting our thoughts have
the benefit of time, before reducing them to practice. Manchester
wants cotton--wants it free-grown--that she may relieve herself from
the yoke of King Slavery; but she cannot yet solve the problem by
which the throbbings of her manufacturing philanthropy may be set at
rest. She thinks long and strong of it, but there it rests--and
there's the rub. John is blind, and Cotton is king.'

"'With us it would present no rub; give us the means, as spread out to
your hands, and the problem we would solve while you were pondering
over its intricacy. We would pay good premiums to practical overseers
of cotton plantations in Georgia and Alabama, who, with the inducement
offered, would come as instructors--cotton-growing requires the
application of the nicest agricultural science--in the art of
cultivating the sensitive plant. And to encourage private enterprise
we would offer bounties for the largest amount of best quality
produced on the smallest space. By government encouraging the best
staple, a rivalry would spring up which could not fail to produce much
good; it would open up a spirited system of planting, as well as that
enlarged intercommunication of commerce which must follow.' Let me
take leave of this subject!

"From India we sojourned across the great desert, meeting in
succession the white-robed Arab, the savage Kurd, the docile Yeeside,
and the melancholy Turk. John said we must have a staff, and a score
of guides, and no end of menials, and must put on the dignity, or it
would not be safe, especially now that Turks and Russians were at war.
Mr. Smooth took exceptions to this ruling, preferring to assume the
go-ahead, and test the virtue of a hard front, the effects of which he
was quite sure would not be entirely lost even among the Arabs. And
then, if the Turks and Russians were again at war about holy
places--places for which a deal of human blood had been spilt for the
mere gratification of a very unholy ambition--Mr. Smooth, on behalf of
Young America, might make a dollar or two by the way of proposing a
very christian plan for settling the stubborn intricacy. With this
best of all motives in view, I left John in the desert, where he said
he expected to do some good business, and, what was better, get some
good dinners. So, bidding him godspeed, I made straight headway for
the point where the pious difficulty had resulted in so much
iniquitous blood-shedding.

"The fact is, Old Uncle John was at first inclined to make rather
spare use of bear's grease to dress his Turkey, an unhealthy bird,
scarcely possessing fat enough to cook himself; but, being rather
doubtful of his own culinary efficiency, had consented to receive a
French cook into the family: and, fearing there might yet be a
deficiency, the ever-credulous old dotard was making good-nature

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