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A Journey from This World to the Next

by Henry Fielding · English · Gutenberg #1147 · 273,760 chars · public domain (US)

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Title: A Journey from This World to the Next

Author: Henry Fielding


        
Release date: December 1, 1997 [eBook #1147]
                Most recently updated: October 29, 2024

Language: English

Other information and formats: www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1147

Credits: Produced by Charles Keller


*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT ***

A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT



By Henry Fielding


CONTENTS:

INTRODUCTION

     BOOK I


     CHAPTER I.
     The author dies, meets with Mercury, and is by him conducted to
     the stage which sets out for the other world


     CHAPTER II.
     In which the author first refutes some idle opinions concerning
     spirits, and then the passengers relate their several deaths.


     CHAPTER III.
     The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases


     CHAPTER IV.
     Discourses on the road, and a description of the palace of Death


     CHAPTER V.
     The travelers proceed on their journey, and meet several spirits
     who are coming into the flesh


     CHAPTER VI.
     An account of the wheel of fortune, with a method of preparing a
     spirit for this world


     CHAPTER VII.
     The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium


     CHAPTER VIII.
     The adventures which the author met on his first entrance into Elysium


     CHAPTER IX.
     More adventures in Elysium

     CHAPTER X.
     The author is surprised at meeting Julian the apostate in Elysium;
     but is satisfied by him by what means he procured  his entrance there.
     Julian relates his adventures in the character of a slave

     CHAPTER XI.
     In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of an
     avaricious Jew

     CHAPTER XII.
     What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an heir,
     a carpenter, and a beau

     CHAPTER XIII.
     Julian passes into a fop

     CHAPTER XIV.
     Adventures in the person of a monk

     CHAPTER XV.
     Julian passes into the character of a fiddler

     CHAPTER XVI.
     The history of the wise man

     CHAPTER XVII.
     Julian enters into the person of a king

     CHAPTER XVIII.
     Julian passes into a fool

     CHAPTER XIX.
     Julian appears in the character of a beggar

     CHAPTER XX.
     Julian performs the part of a statesman

     CHAPTER XXI.
     Julian’s adventures in the post of a soldier

     CHAPTER XXII.
     What happened to Julian in the person of a tailor

     CHAPTER XXIII.
     The life of alderman Julian

     CHAPTER XXIV.
     Julian recounts what happened to him while he was a poet

     CHAPTER XXV.
     Julian performs the parts of a knight and a dancing-master


     BOOK II.

     CHAPTER VII.
     Wherein Anna Boleyn relates the history of her life





A JOURNEY FROM THIS WORLD TO THE NEXT




INTRODUCTION

Whether the ensuing pages were really the dream or vision of some very
pious and holy person; or whether they were really written in the other
world, and sent back to this, which is the opinion of many (though
I think too much inclining to superstition); or lastly, whether, as
infinitely the greatest part imagine, they were really the production
of some choice inhabitant of New Bethlehem, is not necessary nor easy
to determine. It will be abundantly sufficient if I give the reader an
account by what means they came into my possession. Mr. Robert Powney,
stationer, who dwells opposite to Catherine-street in the Strand, a
very honest man and of great gravity of countenance; who, among other
excellent stationery commodities, is particularly eminent for his pens,
which I am abundantly bound to acknowledge, as I owe to their peculiar
goodness that my manuscripts have by any means been legible: this
gentleman, I say, furnished me some time since with a bundle of those
pens, wrapped up with great care and caution, in a very large sheet of
paper full of characters, written as it seemed in a very bad hand.
Now, I have a surprising curiosity to read everything which is almost
illegible; partly perhaps from the sweet remembrance of the dear
Scrawls, Skrawls, or Skrales (for the word is variously spelled), which
I have in my youth received from that lovely part of the creation for
which I have the tenderest regard; and partly from that temper of mind
which makes men set an immense value on old manuscripts so effaced,
bustoes so maimed, and pictures so black that no one can tell what to
make of them. I therefore perused this sheet with wonderful application,
and in about a day’s time discovered that I could not understand it. I
immediately repaired to Mr. Powney, and inquired very eagerly whether
he had not more of the same manuscript? He produced about one hundred
pages, acquainting me that he had saved no more; but that the book was
originally a huge folio, had been left in his garret by a gentleman
who lodged there, and who had left him no other satisfaction for nine
months’ lodging. He proceeded to inform me that the manuscript had been
hawked about (as he phrased it) among all the booksellers, who refused
to meddle; some alleged that they could not read, others that they could
not understand it. Some would haze it to be an atheistical book, and
some that it was a libel on the government; for one or other of which
reasons they all refused to print it. That it had been likewise shown to
the R--l Society, but they shook their heads, saying, there was nothing
in it wonderful enough for them. That, hearing the gentleman was gone
to the West-Indies, and believing it to be good for nothing else, he had
used it as waste paper. He said I was welcome to what remained, and he
was heartily sorry for what was missing, as I seemed to set some value
on it.

I desired him much to name a price: but he would receive no
consideration farther than the payment of a small bill I owed him, which
at that time he said he looked on as so much money given him.

I presently communicated this manuscript to my friend parson Abraham
Adams, who, after a long and careful perusal, returned it me with his
opinion that there was more in it than at first appeared; that the
author seemed not entirely unacquainted with the writings of Plato; but
he wished he had quoted him sometimes in his margin, that I might be
sure (said he) he had read him in the original: for nothing, continued
the parson, is commoner than for men now-a-days to pretend to have read
Greek authors, who have met with them only in translations, and cannot
conjugate a verb in mi.

To deliver my own sentiments on the occasion, I think the author
discovers a philosophical turn of thinking, with some little knowledge
of the world, and no very inadequate value of it. There are some indeed
who, from the vivacity of their temper and the happiness of their
station, are willing to consider its blessings as more substantial, and
the whole to be a scene of more consequence than it is here represented:
but, without controverting their opinions at present, the number of wise
and good men who have thought with our author are sufficient to keep him
in countenance: nor can this be attended with any ill inference, since
he everywhere teaches this moral: That the greatest and truest happiness
which this world affords, is to be found only in the possession of
goodness and virtue; a doctrine which, as it is undoubtedly true, so
hath it so noble and practical a tendency, that it can never be too
often or too strongly inculcated on the minds of men.




BOOK I



CHAPTER I

     The author dies, meets with Mercury, and is by him conducted
     to the stage which sets out for the other world.

On the first day of December 1741 [1] I departed this life at my
lodgings in Cheapside. My body had been some time dead before I was at
liberty to quit it, lest it should by any accident return to life: this
is an injunction imposed on all souls by the eternal law of fate, to
prevent the inconveniences which would follow. As soon as the destined
period was expired (being no longer than till the body is become
perfectly cold and stiff) I began to move; but found myself under a
difficulty of making my escape, for the mouth or door was shut, so that
it was impossible for me to go out at it; and the windows, vulgarly
called the eyes, were so closely pulled down by the fingers of a nurse,
that I could by no means open them. At last I perceived a beam of light
glimmering at the top of the house (for such I may call the body I had
been inclosed in), whither ascending, I gently let myself down through a
kind of chimney, and issued out at the nostrils.

No prisoner discharged from a long confinement ever tasted the sweets
of liberty with a more exquisite relish than I enjoyed in this delivery
from a dungeon wherein I had been detained upwards of forty years, and
with much the same kind of regard I cast my eyes [2] backwards upon it.

My friends and relations had all quitted the room, being all (as I
plainly overheard) very loudly quarreling below stairs about my
will; there was only an old woman left above to guard the body, as I
apprehend. She was in a fast sleep, occasioned, as from her savor it
seemed, by a comfortable dose of gin. I had no pleasure in this company,
and, therefore, as the window was wide open, I sallied forth into the
open air: but, to my great astonishment, found myself unable to fly,
which I had always during my habitation in the body conceived of
spirits; however, I came so lightly to the ground that I did not hurt
myself; and, though I had not the gift of flying (owing probably to
my having neither feathers nor wings), I was capable of hopping such a
prodigious way at once, that it served my turn almost as well. I had
not hopped far before I perceived a tall young gentleman in a silk
waistcoat, with a wing on his left heel, a garland on his head, and a
caduceus in his right hand. [3] I thought I had seen this person before,
but had not time to recollect where, when he called out to me and asked
me how long I had been departed. I answered I was just come forth. “You
must not stay here,” replied he, “unless you had been murdered: in which
case, indeed, you might have been suffered to walk some time; but if you
died a natural death you must set out for the other world immediately.”
 I desired to know the way. “O,” cried the gentleman, “I will show you
to the inn whence the stage proceeds; for I am the porter. Perhaps you
never heard of me--my name is Mercury.” “Sure, sir,” said I, “I
have seen you at the play-house.” Upon which he smiled, and, without
satisfying me as to that point, walked directly forward, bidding me hop
after him. I obeyed him, and soon found myself in Warwick-lane; where
Mercury, making a full stop, pointed at a particular house, where he
bade me enquire for the stage, and, wishing me a good journey, took his
leave, saying he must go seek after other customers.

I arrived just as the coach was setting out, and found I had no reason
for inquiry; for every person seemed to know my business the moment I
appeared at the door: the coachman told me his horses were to, but
that he had no place left; however, though there were already six, the
passengers offered to make room for me. I thanked them, and ascended
without much ceremony. We immediately began our journey, being seven in
number; for, as the women wore no hoops, three of them were but equal to
two men. Perhaps, reader, thou mayest be pleased with an account of
this whole equipage, as peradventure thou wilt not, while alive, see any
such. The coach was made by an eminent toyman, who is well known to
deal in immaterial substance, that being the matter of which it was
compounded. The work was so extremely fine, that it was entirely
invisible to the human eye. The horses which drew this extraordinary
vehicle were all spiritual, as well as the passengers. They had,
indeed, all died in the service of a certain postmaster; and as for the
coachman, who was a very thin piece of immaterial substance, he had the
honor while alive of driving the Great Peter, or Peter the Great, in
whose service his soul, as well as body, was almost starved to death.
Such was the vehicle in which I set out, and now, those who are not
willing to travel on with me may, if they please, stop here; those who
are, must proceed to the subsequent chapters, in which this journey is
continued.




CHAPTER II

     In which the author first refutes some idle opinions
     concerning spirits, and then the passengers relate their
     several deaths.

It is the common opinion that spirits, like owls, can see in the dark;
nay, and can then most easily be perceived by others. For which reason,
many persons of good understanding, to prevent being terrified with
such objects, usually keep a candle burning by them, that the light may
prevent their seeing. Mr. Locke, in direct opposition to this, hath not
doubted to assert that you may see a spirit in open daylight full as
well as in the darkest night.

It was very dark when we set out from the inn, nor could we see any
more than if every soul of us had been alive. We had traveled a good way
before any one offered to open his mouth; indeed, most of the company
were fast asleep, [4] but, as I could not close my own eyes, and
perceived the spirit who sat opposite to me to be likewise awake, I
began to make overtures of conversation, by complaining HOW DARK IT WAS.
“And extremely cold too,” answered my fellow traveler; “though, I thank
God, as I have no body, I feel no inconvenience from it: but you will
believe, sir, that this frosty air must seem very sharp to one just
issued forth out of an oven; for such was the inflamed habitation I am
lately departed from.” “How did you come to your end, sir?” said I.
“I was murdered, sir,” answered the gentleman. “I am surprised then,”
 replied I, “that you did not divert yourself by walking up and down and
playing some merry tricks with the murderer.” “Oh, sir,” returned he,
“I had not that privilege, I was lawfully put to death. In short,
a physician set me on fire, by giving me medicines to throw out my
distemper. I died of a hot regimen, as they call it, in the small-pox.”

One of the spirits at that word started up and cried out, “The
small-pox! bless me! I hope I am not in company with that distemper,
which I have all my life with such caution avoided, and have so happily
escaped hitherto!” This fright set all the passengers who were awake
into a loud laughter; and the gentleman, recollecting himself, with some
confusion, and not without blushing, asked pardon, crying, “I protest
I dreamed that I was alive.” “Perhaps, sir,” said I, “you died of that
distemper, which therefore made so strong an impression on you.” “No,
sir,” answered he, “I never had it in my life; but the continual and
dreadful apprehension it kept me so long under cannot, I see, be so
immediately eradicated. You must know, sir, I avoided coming to London
for thirty years together, for fear of the small-pox, till the most
urgent business brought me thither about five days ago. I was so
dreadfully afraid of this disease that I refused the second night of
my arrival to sup with a friend whose wife had recovered of it several
months before, and the same evening got a surfeit by eating too many
muscles, which brought me into this good company.”

“I will lay a wager,” cried the spirit who sat next him, “there is not
one in the coach able to guess my distemper.” I desired the favor of him
to acquaint us with it, if it was so uncommon. “Why, sir,” said he, “I
died of honor.”--“Of honor, sir!” repeated I, with some surprise. “Yes,
sir,” answered the spirit, “of honor, for I was killed in a duel.”

“For my part,” said a fair spirit, “I was inoculated last summer, and
had the good fortune to escape with a very few marks on my face. I
esteemed myself now perfectly happy, as I imagined I had no restraint
to a full enjoyment of the diversions of the town; but within a few days
after my coming up I caught cold by overdancing myself at a ball, and
last night died of a violent fever.”

After a short silence which now ensued, the fair spirit who spoke last,
it being now daylight, addressed herself to a female who sat next her,
and asked her to what chance they owed the happiness of her company. She
answered, she apprehended to a consumption, but the physicians were not
agreed concerning her distemper, for she left two of them in a very hot
dispute about it when she came out of her body. “And pray, madam,” said
the same spirit to the sixth passenger, “How came you to leave the other
world?” But that female spirit, screwing up her mouth, answered, she
wondered at the curiosity of some people; that perhaps persons had
already heard some reports of her death, which were far from being true;
that, whatever was the occasion of it, she was glad at being delivered
from a world in which she had no pleasure, and where there was nothing
but nonsense and impertinence; particularly among her own sex, whose
loose conduct she had long been entirely ashamed of.

The beauteous spirit, perceiving her question gave offense, pursued it
no farther. She had indeed all the sweetness and good-humor which are
so extremely amiable (when found) in that sex which tenderness most
exquisitely becomes. Her countenance displayed all the cheerfulness, the
good-nature, and the modesty, which diffuse such brightness round the
beauty of Seraphina, [5] awing every beholder with respect, and, at the
same time, ravishing him with admiration. Had it not been indeed for
our conversation on the small-pox, I should have imagined we had been
honored with her identical presence. This opinion might have been
heightened by the good sense she uttered whenever she spoke, by the
delicacy of her sentiments, and the complacence of her behavior,
together with a certain dignity which attended every look, word, and
gesture; qualities which could not fail making an impression on a heart
[6] so capable of receiving it as mine, nor was she long in raising in
me a very violent degree of seraphic love. I do not intend by this, that
sort of love which men are very properly said to make to women in the
lower world, and which seldom lasts any longer than while it is
making. I mean by seraphic love an extreme delicacy and tenderness of
friendship, of which, my worthy reader, if thou hast no conception, as
it is probable thou mayest not, my endeavor to instruct thee would be as
fruitless as it would be to explain the most difficult problems of Sir
Isaac Newton to one ignorant of vulgar arithmetic.

To return therefore to matters comprehensible by all understandings:
the discourse now turned on the vanity, folly, and misery of the lower
world, from which every passenger in the coach expressed the highest
satisfaction in being delivered; though it was very remarkable that,
notwithstanding the joy we declared at our death, there was not one of
us who did not mention the accident which occasioned it as a thing we
would have avoided if we could. Nay, the very grave lady herself, who
was the forwardest in testifying her delight, confessed inadvertently
that she left a physician by her bedside; and the gentleman who died
of honor very liberally cursed both his folly and his fencing. While
we were entertaining ourselves with these matters, on a sudden a most
offensive smell began to invade our nostrils. This very much resembled
the savor which travelers in summer perceive at their approach to that
beautiful village of the Hague, arising from those delicious canals
which, as they consist of standing water, do at that time emit odors
greatly agreeable to a Dutch taste, but not so pleasant to any other.
Those perfumes, with the assistance of a fair wind, begin to affect
persons of quick olfactory nerves at a league’s distance, and increase
gradually as you approach. In the same manner did the smell I have just
mentioned, more and more invade us, till one of the spirits, looking out
of the coach-window, declared we were just arrived at a very large
city; and indeed he had scarce said so before we found ourselves in the
suburbs, and, at the same time, the coachman, being asked by another,
informed us that the name of this place was the City of Diseases. The
road to it was extremely smooth, and, excepting the above-mentioned
savor, delightfully pleasant. The streets of the suburbs were lined
with bagnios, taverns, and cooks’ shops: in the first we saw several
beautiful women, but in tawdry dresses, looking out at the windows; and
in the latter were visibly exposed all kinds of the richest dainties;
but on our entering the city we found, contrary to all we had seen in
the other world, that the suburbs were infinitely pleasanter than the
city itself. It was indeed a very dull, dark, and melancholy place. Few
people appeared in the streets, and these, for the most part, were old
women, and here and there a formal grave gentleman, who seemed to be
thinking, with large tie-wigs on, and amber-headed canes in their hands.
We were all in hopes that our vehicle would not stop here; but, to our
sorrow, the coach soon drove into an inn, and we were obliged to alight.




CHAPTER III

     The adventures we met with in the City of Diseases.

We had not been long arrived in our inn, where it seems we were to spend
the remainder of the day, before our host acquainted us that it was
customary for all spirits, in their passage through that city, to pay
their respects to that lady Disease, to whose assistance they had owed
their deliverance from the lower world. We answered we should not
fail in any complacence which was usual to others; upon which our host
replied he would immediately send porters to conduct us. He had not long
quitted the room before we were attended by some of those grave persons
whom I have before described in large tie-wigs with amber-headed canes.
These gentlemen are the ticket-porters in the city, and their canes are
the insignia, or tickets, denoting their office. We informed them of
the several ladies to whom we were obliged, and were preparing to follow
them, when on a sudden they all stared at one another, and left us in
a hurry, with a frown on every countenance. We were surprised at this
behavior, and presently summoned the host, who was no sooner acquainted
with it than he burst into an hearty laugh, and told us the reason was,
because we did not fee the gentlemen the moment they came in, according
to the custom of the place. We answered, with some confusion, we had
brought nothing with us from the other world, which we had been all our
lives informed was not lawful to do. “No, no, master,” replied the host;
“I am apprised of that, and indeed it was my fault. I should have first
sent you to my lord Scrape, [7] who would have supplied you with what
you want.” “My lord Scrape supply us!” said I, with astonishment: “sure
you must know we cannot give him security; and I am convinced he never
lent a shilling without it in his life.” “No, sir,” answered the host,
“and for that reason he is obliged to do it here, where he is sentenced
to keep a bank, and to distribute money gratis to all passengers. This
bank originally consisted of just that sum, which he had miserably
hoarded up in the other world, and he is to perceive it decrease visibly
one shilling a-day, till it is totally exhausted; after which he is to
return to the other world, and perform the part of a miser for seventy
years; then, being purified in the body of a hog, he is to enter the
human species again, and take a second trial.” “Sir,” said I, “you tell
me wonders: but if his bank be to decrease only a shilling a day, how
can he furnish all passengers?” “The rest,” answered the host, “is
supplied again; but in a manner which I cannot easily explain to you.”
 “I apprehend,” said I, “this distribution of his money is inflicted on
him as a punishment; but I do not see how it can answer that end, when
he knows it is to be restored to him again. Would it not serve the
purpose as well if he parted only with the single shilling, which it
seems is all he is really to lose?” “Sir,” cries the host, “when you
observe the agonies with which he parts with every guinea, you will
be of another opinion. No prisoner condemned to death ever begged so
heartily for transportation as he, when he received his sentence, did
to go to hell, provided he might carry his money with him. But you will
know more of these things when you arrive at the upper world; and now,
if you please, I will attend you to my lord’s, who is obliged to supply
you with whatever you desire.”

We found his lordship sitting at the upper end of a table, on which was
an immense sum of money, disposed in several heaps, every one of which
would have purchased the honor of some patriots and the chastity of
some prudes. The moment he saw us he turned pale, and sighed, as well
apprehending our business. Mine host accosted him with a familiar air,
which at first surprised me, who so well remembered the respect I had
formerly seen paid this lord by men infinitely superior in quality to
the person who now saluted him in the following manner: “Here, you lord,
and be dam--d to your little sneaking soul, tell out your money, and
supply your betters with what they want. Be quick, sirrah, or I’ll fetch
the beadle to you. Don’t fancy yourself in the lower world again, with
your privilege at your a--.” He then shook a cane at his lordship, who
immediately began to tell out his money, with the same miserable air
and face which the miser on our stage wears while he delivers his
bank-bills. This affected some of us so much that we had certainly
returned with no more than what would have been sufficient to fee the
porters, had not our host, perceiving our compassion, begged us not to
spare a fellow who, in the midst of immense wealth, had always refused
the least contribution to charity. Our hearts were hardened with this
reflection, and we all filled our pockets with his money. I remarked a
poetical spirit, in particular, who swore he would have a hearty gripe
at him: “For,” says he, “the rascal not only refused to subscribe to
my works, but sent back my letter unanswered, though I am a better
gentleman than himself.” We now returned from this miserable object,
greatly admiring the propriety as well as justice of his punishment,
which consisted, as our host informed us, merely in the delivering forth
his money; and, he observed, we could not wonder at the pain this gave
him, since it was as reasonable that the bare parting with money should
make him miserable as that the bare having money without using it should
have made him happy. Other tie-wig porters (for those we had summoned
before refused to visit us again) now attended us; and we having fee’d
them the instant they entered the room, according to the instructions of
our host, they bowed and smiled, and offered to introduce us to whatever
disease we pleased.

We set out several ways, as we were all to pay our respects to different
ladies. I directed my porter to show me to the Fever on the Spirits,
being the disease which had delivered me from the flesh. My guide and I
traversed many streets, and knocked at several doors, but to no purpose.
At one, we were told, lived the Consumption; at another, the Maladie
Alamode, a French lady; at the third, the Dropsy; at the fourth, the
Rheumatism; at the fifth, Intemperance; at the sixth, Misfortune. I was
tired, and had exhausted my patience, and almost my purse; for I gave my
porter a new fee at every blunder he made: when my guide, with a solemn
countenance, told me he could do no more; and marched off without any
farther ceremony.

He was no sooner gone than I met another gentleman with a ticket, i. e.,
an amber-headed cane in his hand. I first fee’d him, and then acquainted
him with the name of the disease. He cast himself for two or three
minutes into a thoughtful posture, then pulled a piece of paper out
of his pocket, on which he wrote something in one of the Oriental
languages, I believe, for I could not read a syllable: he bade me carry
it to such a particular shop, and, telling me it would do my business,
he took his leave.

Secure, as I now thought myself, of my direction, I went to the shop,
which very much resembled an apothecary’s. The person who officiated,
having read the paper, took down about twenty different jars, and,
pouring something out of every one of them, made a mixture, which he
delivered to me in a bottle, having first tied a paper round the neck
of it, on which were written three or four words, the last containing
eleven syllables. I mentioned the name of the disease I wanted to
find out, but received no other answer than that he had done as he was
ordered, and the drugs were excellent. I began now to be enraged, and,
quitting the shop with some anger in my countenance, I intended to find
out my inn, but, meeting in the way a porter whose countenance had in it
something more pleasing than ordinary, I resolved to try once more, and
clapped a fee into his hand. As soon as I mentioned the disease to him
he laughed heartily, and told me I had been imposed on, for in reality
no such disease was to be found in that city. He then inquired into the
particulars of my case, and was no sooner acquainted with them than he
informed me that the Maladie Alamode was the lady to whom I was obliged.
I thanked him, and immediately went to pay my respects to her. The
house, or rather palace, of this lady was one of the most beautiful
and magnificent in the city. The avenue to it was planted with sycamore
trees, with beds of flowers on each side; it was extremely pleasant but
short. I was conducted through a magnificent hall, adorned with several
statues and bustoes, most of them maimed, whence I concluded them all
to be true antiques; but was informed they were the figures of several
modern heroes, who had died martyrs to her ladyship’s cause. I next
mounted through a large painted staircase, where several persons were
depicted in caricatura; and, upon inquiry, was told they were the
portraits of those who had distinguished themselves against the lady
in the lower world. I suppose I should have known the faces of many
physicians and surgeons, had they not been so violently distorted by
the painter. Indeed, he had exerted so much malice in his work, that I
believe he had himself received some particular favors from the lady of
this mansion: it is difficult to conceive a group of stranger figures. I
then entered a long room, hung round with the pictures of women of such
exact shapes and features that I should have thought myself in a gallery
of beauties, had not a certain sallow paleness in their complexions
given me a more distasteful idea. Through this I proceeded to a second
apartment, adorned, if I may so call it, with the figures of old ladies.
Upon my seeming to admire at this furniture, the servant told me with
a smile that these had been very good friends of his lady, and had done
her eminent service in the lower world. I immediately recollected the
faces of one or two of my acquaintance, who had formerly kept bagnios;
but was very much surprised to see the resemblance of a lady of great
distinction in such company. The servant, upon my mentioning this, made
no other answer than that his lady had pictures of all degrees. I was
now introduced into the presence of the lady herself. She was a thin, or
rather meager, person, very wan in the countenance, had no nose and many
pimples in her face. She offered to rise at my entrance, but could not
stand. After many compliments, much congratulation on her side, and
the most fervent expressions of gratitude on mine, she asked me many
questions concerning the situation of her affairs in the lower world;
most of which I answered to her entire satisfaction. At last, with
a kind of forced smile, she said, “I suppose the pill and drop go on
swimmingly?” I told her they were reported to have done great cures.
She replied she could apprehend no danger from any person who was not
of regular practice; “for, however simple mankind are,” said she, “or
however afraid they are of death, they prefer dying in a regular manner
to being cured by a nostrum.” She then expressed great pleasure at the
account I gave her of the beau monde. She said she had herself removed
the hundreds of Drury to the hundreds of Charing-cross, and was very
much delighted to find they had spread into St. James’s; that she
imputed this chiefly to several of her dear and worthy friends, who had
lately published their excellent works, endeavoring to extirpate all
notions of religion and virtue; and particularly to the deserving author
of the Bachelor’s Estimate; “to whom,” said she, “if I had not reason to
think he was a surgeon, and had therefore written from mercenary views,
I could never sufficiently own my obligations.” She spoke likewise
greatly in approbation of the method, so generally used by parents, of
marrying children very young, and without the least affection between
the parties; and concluded by saying that, if these fashions continued
to spread, she doubted not but she should shortly be the only disease
who would ever receive a visit from any person of considerable rank.

While we were discoursing her three daughters entered the room. They
were all called by hard names; the eldest was named Lepra, the second
Chaeras, and the third Scorbutia. [8] They were all genteel, but ugly.
I could not help observing the little respect they paid their parent,
which the old lady remarking in my countenance, as soon as they quitted
the room, which soon happened, acquainted me with her unhappiness in her
offspring, every one of which had the confidence to deny themselves to
be her children, though she said she had been a very indulgent mother
and had plentifully provided for them all. As family complaints
generally as much tire the hearer as they relieve him who makes them,
when I found her launching farther into this subject I resolved to put
an end to my visit, and, taking my leave with many thanks for the
favor she had done me, I returned to the inn, where I found my
fellow-travelers just mounting into their vehicle. I shook hands with
my host and accompanied them into the coach, which immediately after
proceeded on its journey.




CHAPTER IV

     Discourses on the road, and a description of the palace of
     Death.

We were all silent for some minutes, till, being well shaken into our
several seats, I opened my mouth first, and related what had happened to
me after our separation in the city we had just left.

The rest of the company, except the grave female spirit whom our reader
may remember to have refused giving an account of the distemper which
occasioned her dissolution, did the same. It might be tedious to relate
these at large; we shall therefore only mention a very remarkable
inveteracy which the Surfeit declared to all the other diseases,
especially to the Fever, who, she said, by the roguery of the porters,
received acknowledgments from numberless passengers which were due to
herself. “Indeed,” says she, “those cane-headed fellows” (for so she
called them, alluding, I suppose, to their ticket) “are constantly
making such mistakes; there is no gratitude in those fellows; for I
am sure they have greater obligations to me than to any other disease,
except the Vapors.” These relations were no sooner over than one of the
company informed us we were approaching to the most noble building he
had ever beheld, and which we learned from our coachman was the palace
of Death. Its outside, indeed, appeared extremely magnificent. Its
structure was of the Gothic order; vast beyond imagination, the
whole pile consisting of black marble. Rows of immense yews form an
amphitheater round it of such height and thickness that no ray of the
sun ever perforates this grove, where black eternal darkness would reign
was it not excluded by innumerable lamps which are placed in pyramids
round the grove; so that the distant reflection they cast on the palace,
which is plentifully gilt with gold on the outside, is inconceivably
solemn. To this I may add the hollow murmur of winds constantly heard
from the grove, and the very remote sound of roaring waters. Indeed,
every circumstance seems to conspire to fill the mind with horror and
consternation as we approach to this palace, which we had scarce time
to admire before our vehicle stopped at the gate, and we were desired
to alight in order to pay our respects to his most mortal majesty (this
being the title which it seems he assumes). The outward court was full
of soldiers, and, indeed, the whole very much resembled the state of an
earthly monarch, only more magnificent. We passed through several courts
into a vast hall, which led to a spacious staircase, at the bottom of
which stood two pages, with very grave countenances, whom I recollected
afterwards to have formerly been very eminent undertakers, and were in
reality the only dismal faces I saw here; for this palace, so awful and
tremendous without, is all gay and sprightly within; so that we soon
lost all those dismal and gloomy ideas we had contracted in approaching
it. Indeed, the still silence maintained among the guards and attendants
resembled rather the stately pomp of eastern courts; but there was on
every face such symptoms of content and happiness that diffused an air
of cheerfulness all round. We ascended the staircase and passed
through many noble apartments whose walls were adorned with various
battle-pieces in tapistry, and which we spent some time in observing.
These brought to my mind those beautiful ones I had in my lifetime seen
at Blenheim, nor could I prevent my curiosity from inquiring where
the Duke of Marlborough’s victories were placed (for I think they were
almost the only battles of any eminence I had read of which I did not
meet with); when the skeleton of a beef-eater, shaking his head, told me
a certain gentleman, one Lewis XIV, who had great interest with his
most mortal majesty, had prevented any such from being hung up there.
“Besides,” says he, “his majesty hath no great respect for that duke,
for he never sent him a subject he could keep from him, nor did he ever
get a single subject by his means but he lost 1000 others for him.” We
found the presence-chamber at our entrance very full, and a buzz ran
through it, as in all assemblies, before the principal figure enters;
for his majesty was not yet come out. At the bottom of the room were two
persons in close conference, one with a square black cap on his head,
and the other with a robe embroidered with flames of fire. These, I was
informed, were a judge long since dead, and an inquisitor-general. I
overheard them disputing with great eagerness whether the one had hanged
or the other burned the most. While I was listening to this dispute,
which seemed to be in no likelihood of a speedy decision, the emperor
entered the room and placed himself between two figures, one of which
was remarkable for the roughness, and the other for the beauty of his
appearance. These were, it seems, Charles XII of Sweden and Alexander of
Macedon. I was at too great a distance to hear any of the conversation,
so could only satisfy my curiosity by contemplating the several
personages present, of whose names I informed myself by a page, who
looked as pale and meager as any court-page in the other world, but was
somewhat more modest. He showed me here two or three Turkish emperors,
to whom his most mortal majesty seemed to express much civility. Here
were likewise several of the Roman emperors, among whom none seemed so
much caressed as Caligula, on account, as the page told me, of his pious
wish that he could send all the Romans hither at one blow. The reader
may be perhaps surprised that I saw no physicians here; as indeed I
was myself, till informed that they were all departed to the city
of Diseases, where they were busy in an experiment to purge away the
immortality of the soul.

It would be tedious to recollect the many individuals I saw here, but
I cannot omit a fat figure, well dressed in the French fashion, who
was received with extraordinary complacence by the emperor, and whom I
imagined to be Lewis XIV himself; but the page acquainted me he was
a celebrated French cook. We were at length introduced to the royal
presence, and had the honor to kiss hands. His majesty asked us a few
questions, not very material to relate, and soon after retired. When we
returned into the yard we found our caravan ready to set out, at which
we all declared ourselves well pleased; for we were sufficiently tired
with the formality of a court, notwithstanding its outward splendor and
magnificence.




CHAPTER V

     The travelers proceed on their journey, and meet several
     spirits who are coming into the flesh.

We now came to the banks of the great river Cocytus, where we quitted
our vehicle, and passed the water in a boat, after which we were obliged
to travel on foot the rest of our journey; and now we met, for the
first time, several passengers traveling to the world we had left, who
informed us they were souls going into the flesh.

The two first we met were walking arm-in-arm, in very close and friendly
conference; they informed us that one of them was intended for a duke,
and the other for a hackney-coachman. As we had not yet arrived at the
place where we were to deposit our passions, we were all surprised
at the familiarity which subsisted between persons of such different
degrees; nor could the grave lady help expressing her astonishment
at it. The future coachman then replied, with a laugh, that they had
exchanged lots; for that the duke had with his dukedom drawn a shrew for
a wife, and the coachman only a single state.

As we proceeded on our journey we met a solemn spirit walking alone
with great gravity in his countenance: our curiosity invited us,
notwithstanding his reserve, to ask what lot he had drawn.

He answered, with a smile, he was to have the reputation of a wise man
with L100,000 in his pocket, and was practicing the solemnity which he
was to act in the other world. A little farther we met a company of very
merry spirits, whom we imagined by their mirth to have drawn some mighty
lot, but, on inquiry, they informed us they were to be beggars.

The farther we advanced, the greater numbers we met; and now we
discovered two large roads leading different ways, and of very different
appearance; the one all craggy with rocks, full as it seemed of boggy
grounds, and everywhere beset with briars, so that it was impossible to
pass through it without the utmost danger and difficulty; the other, the
most delightful imaginable, leading through the most verdant meadows,
painted and perfumed with all kinds of beautiful flowers; in short,
the most wanton imagination could imagine nothing more lovely.
Notwithstanding which, we were surprised to see great numbers crowding
into the former, and only one or two solitary spirits choosing the
latter.

On inquiry, we were acquainted that the bad road was the way to
greatness, and the other to goodness. When we expressed our surprise at
the preference given to the former we were acquainted that it was chosen
for the sake of the music of drums and trumpets, and the perpetual
acclamations of the mob, with which those who traveled this way were
constantly saluted. We were told likewise that there were several noble
palaces to be seen, and lodged in, on this road, by those who had passed
through the difficulties of it (which indeed many were not able to
surmount), and great quantities of all sorts of treasure to be found in
it; whereas the other had little inviting more than the beauty of the
way, scarce a handsome building, save one greatly resembling a certain
house by the Bath, to be seen during that whole journey; and, lastly,
that it was thought very scandalous and mean-spirited to travel through
this, and as highly honorable and noble to pass by the other. We now
heard a violent noise, when, casting our eyes forwards, we perceived a
vast number of spirits advancing in pursuit of one whom they mocked
and insulted with all kinds of scorn. I cannot give my reader a more
adequate idea of this scene than by comparing it to an English mob
conducting a pickpocket to the water; or by supposing that an incensed
audience at a playhouse had unhappily possessed themselves of the
miserable damned poet. Some laughed, some hissed, some squalled, some
groaned, some bawled, some spit at him, some threw dirt at him. It was
impossible not to ask who or what the wretched spirit was whom they
treated in this barbarous manner; when, to our great surprise, we were
informed that it was a king: we were likewise told that this manner
of behavior was usual among the spirits to those who drew the lots of
emperors, kings, and other great men, not from envy or anger, but mere
derision and contempt of earthly grandeur; that nothing was more common
than for those who had drawn these great prizes (as to us they seemed)
to exchange them with tailors and cobblers; and that Alexander the
Great and Diogenes had formerly done so; he that was afterwards Diogenes
having originally fallen on the lot of Alexander. And now, on a sudden,
the mockery ceased, and the king-spirit, having obtained a hearing,
began to speak as follows; for we were now near enough to hear him
distinctly:--

“GENTLEMEN,--I am justly surprised at your treating me in this manner,
since whatever lot I have drawn, I did not choose: if, therefore, it
be worthy of derision, you should compassionate me, for it might have
fallen to any of your shares. I know in how low a light the station to
which fate hath assigned me is considered here, and that, when ambition
doth not support it, it becomes generally so intolerable, that there
is scarce any other condition for which it is not gladly exchanged: for
what portion, in the world to which we are going, is so miserable as
that of care? Should I therefore consider myself as become by this lot
essentially your superior, and of a higher order of being than the rest
of my fellow-creatures; should I foolishly imagine myself without wisdom
superior to the wise, without knowledge to the learned, without courage
to the brave, and without goodness and virtue to the good and virtuous;
surely so preposterous, so absurd a pride, would justly render me the
object of ridicule. But far be it from me to entertain it. And yet,
gentlemen, I prize the lot I have drawn, nor would I exchange it with
any of yours, seeing it is in my eye so much greater than the rest.
Ambition, which I own myself possessed of, teaches me this; ambition,
which makes me covet praise, assures me that I shall enjoy a much larger
proportion of it than can fall within your power either to deserve or
obtain. I am then superior to you all, when I am able to do more good,
and when I execute that power. What the father is to the son, the
guardian to the orphan, or the patron to his client, that am I to you.
You are my children, to whom I will be a father, a guardian, and a
patron. Not one evening in my long reign (for so it is to be) will
I repose myself to rest without the glorious, the heart-warming
consideration, that thousands that night owe their sweetest rest to me.
What a delicious fortune is it to him whose strongest appetite is doing
good, to have every day the opportunity and the power of satisfying it!
If such a man hath ambition, how happy is it for him to be seated so on
high, that every act blazes abroad, and attracts to him praises tainted
with neither sarcasm nor adulation, but such as the nicest and most
delicate mind may relish! Thus, therefore, while you derive your good
from me, I am your superior. If to my strict distribution of justice
you owe the safety of your property from domestic enemies; if by my
vigilance and valor you are protected from foreign foes; if by my
encouragement of genuine industry, every science, every art which can
embellish or sweeten life, is produced and flourishes among you; will
any of you be so insensible or ungrateful as to deny praise and respect
to him by whose care and conduct you enjoy these blessings? I wonder not
at the censure which so frequently falls on those in my station; but I
wonder that those in my station so frequently deserve it. What strange
perverseness of nature! What wanton delight in mischief must taint his
composition, who prefers dangers, difficulty, and disgrace, by doing
evil, to safety, ease, and honor, by doing good! who refuses happiness
in the other world, and heaven in this, for misery there and hell here!
But, be assured, my intentions are different. I shall always endeavor
the ease, the happiness, and the glory of my people, being confident
that, by so doing, I take the most certain method of procuring them
all to myself.”--He then struck directly into the road of goodness,
and received such a shout of applause as I never remember to have
heard equaled. He was gone a little way when a spirit limped after him,
swearing he would fetch him back.

This spirit, I was presently informed, was one who had drawn the lot of
his prime minister.




CHAPTER VI

     An account of the wheel of fortune, with a method of
     preparing a spirit for this world.

We now proceeded on our journey, without staying to see whether he
fulfilled his word or no; and without encountering anything worth
mentioning, came to the place where the spirits on their passage to the
other world were obliged to decide by lot the station in which every
one was to act there. Here was a monstrous wheel, infinitely larger than
those in which I had formerly seen lottery-tickets deposited. This was
called the WHEEL OF FORTUNE.

The goddess herself was present. She was one of the most deformed
females I ever beheld; nor could I help observing the frowns she
expressed when any beautiful spirit of her own sex passed by her, nor
the affability which smiled in her countenance on the approach of any
handsome male spirits. Hence I accounted for the truth of an observation
I had often made on earth, that nothing is more fortunate than handsome
men, nor more unfortunate than handsome women. The reader may be perhaps
pleased with an account of the whole method of equipping a spirit for
his entrance into the flesh.

First, then, he receives from a very sage person, whose look much
resembled that of an apothecary (his warehouse likewise bearing an
affinity to an apothecary’s shop), a small phial inscribed, THE PATHETIC
POTION, to be taken just before you are born. This potion is a mixture
of all the passions, but in no exact proportion, so that sometimes one
predominates, and sometimes another; nay, often in the hurry of making
up, one particular ingredient is, as we were informed, left out. The
spirit receiveth at the same time another medicine called the NOUSPHORIC
DECOCTION, of which he is to drink ad libitum. This decoction is an
extract from the faculties of the mind, sometimes extremely strong and
spirituous, and sometimes altogether as weak; for very little care is
taken in the preparation. This decoction is so extremely bitter and
unpleasant, that, notwithstanding its wholesomeness, several spirits
will not be persuaded to swallow a drop of it, but throw it away, or
give it to any other who will receive it; by which means some who were
not disgusted by the nauseousness drank double and treble portions.
I observed a beautiful young female, who, tasting it immediately from
curiosity, screwed up her face and cast it from her with great disdain,
whence advancing presently to the wheel, she drew a coronet, which
she clapped up so eagerly that I could not distinguish the degree; and
indeed I observed several of the same sex, after a very small sip, throw
the bottles away. As soon as the spirit is dismissed by the operator,
or apothecary, he is at liberty to approach the wheel, where he hath a
right to extract a single lot: but those whom Fortune favors she permits
sometimes secretly to draw three or four. I observed a comical kind of
figure who drew forth a handful, which, when he opened, were a bishop,
a general, a privy-counselor, a player, and a poet-laureate, and,
returning the three first, he walked off, smiling, with the two last.
Every single lot contained two more articles, which were generally
disposed so as to render the lots as equal as possible to each other; on
one was written, EARL, RICHES, HEALTH, DISQUIETUDE; on another, COBLER,
SICKNESS, GOOD-HUMOR; on a third, POET, CONTEMPT, SELF-SATISFACTION; on
a fourth, GENERAL, HONOR, DISCONTENT; on a fifth, COTTAGE, HAPPY LOVE;
on a sixth, COACH AND SIX, IMPOTENT JEALOUS HUSBAND; on a seventh,
PRIME MINISTER, DISGRACE; on an eighth, PATRIOT, GLORY; on a ninth,
PHILOSOPHER, POVERTY, EASE; on a tenth, MERCHANT, RICHES, CARE. And
indeed the whole seemed to contain such a mixture of good and evil, that
it would have puzzled me which to choose. I must not omit here that
in every lot was directed whether the drawer should marry or remain in
celibacy, the married lots being all marked with a large pair of horns.
We were obliged, before we quitted this place, to take each of us an
emetic from the apothecary, which immediately purged us of all our
earthly passions, and presently the cloud forsook our eyes, as it doth
those of Aeneas in Virgil, when removed by Venus; and we discerned
things in a much clearer light than before. We began to compassionate
those spirits who were making their entry into the flesh, whom we had
till then secretly envied, and to long eagerly for those delightful
plains which now opened themselves to our eyes, and to which we now
hastened with the utmost eagerness. On our way we met with several
spirits with very dejected countenances; but our expedition would not
suffer us to ask any questions. At length we arrived at the gate of
Elysium. Here was a prodigious crowd of spirits waiting for admittance,
some of whom were admitted, and some were rejected; for all were
strictly examined by the porter, whom I soon discovered to be the
celebrated judge Minos.




CHAPTER VII

     The proceedings of judge Minos at the gate of Elysium.

I now got near enough to the gate to hear the several claims of those
who endeavored to pass. The first among other pretensions, set forth
that he had been very liberal to an hospital; but Minos answered,
“Ostentation,” and repulsed him. The second exhibited that he had
constantly frequented his church, been a rigid observer of fast-days: he
likewise represented the great animosity he had shown to vice in others,
which never escaped his severest censure; and as to his own behavior, he
had never been once guilty of whoring, drinking, gluttony, or any other
excess. He said he had disinherited his son for getting a bastard. “Have
you so?” said Minos; “then pray return into the other world and beget
another; for such an unnatural rascal shall never pass this gate.” A
dozen others, who had advanced with very confident countenances, seeing
him rejected, turned about of their own accord, declaring, if he could
not pass, they had no expectation, and accordingly they followed him
back to earth; which was the fate of all who were repulsed, they being
obliged to take a further purification, unless those who were guilty
of some very heinous crimes, who were hustled in at a little back gate,
whence they tumbled immediately into the bottomless pit.

The next spirit that came up declared he had done neither good nor evil
in the world; for that since his arrival at man’s estate he had spent
his whole time in search of curiosities; and particularly in the study
of butterflies, of which he had collected an immense number. Minos made
him no answer, but with great scorn pushed him back. There now advanced
a very beautiful spirit indeed. She began to ogle Minos the moment she
saw him. She said she hoped there was some merit in refusing a great
number of lovers, and dying a maid, though she had had the choice of
a hundred. Minos told her she had not refused enow yet, and turned her
back.

She was succeeded by a spirit who told the judge he believed his works
would speak for him. “What works?” answered Minos. “My dramatic works,”
 replied the other, “which have done so much good in recommending virtue
and punishing vice.” “Very well,” said the judge; “if you please to
stand by, the first person who passes the gate by your means shall
carry you in with him; but, if you will take my advice, I think, for
expedition sake, you had better return, and live another life upon
earth.” The bard grumbled at this, and replied that, besides his
poetical works, he had done some other good things: for that he had once
lent the whole profits of a benefit-night to a friend, and by that means
had saved him and his family from destruction. Upon this the gate flew
open, and Minos desired him to walk in, telling him, if he had mentioned
this at first, he might have spared the remembrance of his plays. The
poet answered, he believed, if Minos had read his works, he would set a
higher value on them. He was then beginning to repeat, but Minos pushed
him forward, and, turning his back to him, applied himself to the next
passenger, a very genteel spirit, who made a very low bow to Minos, and
then threw himself into an erect attitude, and imitated the motion of
taking snuff with his right hand. Minos asked him what he had to say
for himself. He answered, he would dance a minuet with any spirit in
Elysium: that he could likewise perform all his other exercises very
well, and hoped he had in his life deserved the character of a perfect
fine gentleman. Minos replied it would be great pity to rob the world of
so fine a gentleman, and therefore desired him to take the other trip.
The beau bowed, thanked the judge, and said he desired no better.

Several spirits expressed much astonishment at this his satisfaction;
but we were afterwards informed he had not taken the emetic above
mentioned.

A miserable old spirit now crawled forwards, whose face I thought I had
formerly seen near Westminster Abbey. He entertained Minos with a long
harangue of what he had done when in the HOUSE; and then proceeded to
inform him how much he was worth, without attempting to produce a
single instance of any one good action. Minos stopped the career of his
discourse, and acquainted him he must take a trip back again.

“What! to S---- house?” said the spirit in an ecstasy; but the judge,
without making him any answer, turned to another, who with a very
solemn air and great dignity, acquainted him he was a duke. “To the
right-about, Mr. Duke,” cried Minos, “you are infinitely too great a
man for Elysium;” and then, giving him a kick on the b--ch, he addressed
himself to a spirit who, with fear and trembling, begged he might not
go to the bottomless pit: he said he hoped Minos would consider that,
though he had gone astray, he had suffered for it--that it was necessity
which drove him to the robbery of eighteenpence, which he had committed,
and for which he was hanged--that he had done some good actions in his
life--that he had supported an aged parent with his labor--that he had
been a very tender husband and a kind father--and that he had ruined
himself by being bail for his friend. At which words the gate opened,
and Minos bade him enter, giving him a slap on the back as he passed by
him. A great number of spirits now came forwards, who all declared
they had the same claim, and that the captain should speak for them.
He acquainted the judge that they had been all slain in the service of
their country. Minos was going to admit them, but had the curiosity to
ask who had been the invader, in order, as he said, to prepare the
back gate for him. The captain answered they had been the invaders
themselves--that they had entered the enemy’s country, and burned and
plundered several cities. “And for what reason?” said Minos. “By the
command of him who paid us,” said the captain; “that is the reason of a
soldier. We are to execute whatever we are commanded, or we should be a
disgrace to the army, and very little deserve our pay.” “You are brave
fellows indeed,” said Minos; “but be pleased to face about, and obey my
command for once, in returning back to the other world: for what should
such fellows as you do where there are no cities to be burned, nor
people to be destroyed? But let me advise you to have a stricter regard
to truth for the future, and not call the depopulating other countries
the service of your own.” The captain answered, in a rage, “D--n me! do
you give me the lie?” and was going to take Minos by the nose had
not his guards prevented him, and immediately turned him and all his
followers back the same road they came.

Four spirits informed the judge that they had been starved to death
through poverty--being the father, mother, and two children; that
they had been honest and as industrious as possible, till sickness had
prevented the man from labor. “All that is very true,” cried a grave
spirit who stood by. “I know the fact; for these poor people were under
my cure.” “You was, I suppose, the parson of the parish,” cries Minos;
“I hope you had a good living, sir.” “That was but a small one,” replied
the spirit; “but I had another a little better.”--“Very well,” said
Minos; “let the poor people pass.” At which the parson was stepping
forwards with a stately gait before them; but Minos caught hold of him
and pulled him back, saying, “Not so fast, doctor--you must take one
step more into the other world first; for no man enters that gate
without charity.” A very stately figure now presented himself, and,
informing Minos he was a patriot, began a very florid harangue on public
virtue and the liberties of his country. Upon which Minos showed him the
utmost respect, and ordered the gate to be opened. The patriot was not
contented with this applause; he said he had behaved as well in place
as he had done in the opposition; and that, though he was now obliged
to embrace the court measures, yet he had behaved very honestly to his
friends, and brought as many in as was possible. “Hold a moment,” says
Minos: “on second consideration, Mr. Patriot, I think a man of your
great virtue and abilities will be so much missed by your country, that,
if I might advise you, you should take a journey back again. I am
sure you will not decline it; for I am certain you will, with great
readiness, sacrifice your own happiness to the public good.” The patriot
smiled, and told Minos he believed he was in jest; and was offering to
enter the gate, but the judge laid fast hold of him and insisted on his
return, which the patriot still declining, he at last ordered his guards
to seize him and conduct him back.

A spirit now advanced, and the gate was immediately thrown open to him
before he had spoken a word. I heard some whisper, “That is our last
lord mayor.”

It now came to our company’s turn. The fair spirit which I mentioned
with so much applause in the beginning of my journey passed through very
easily; but the grave lady was rejected on her first appearance, Minos
declaring there was not a single prude in Elysium.

The judge then addressed himself to me, who little expected to pass this
fiery trial. I confessed I had indulged myself very freely with wine and
women in my youth, but had never done an injury to any man living, nor
avoided an opportunity of doing good; that I pretended to very little
virtue more than general philanthropy and private friendship. I was
proceeding, when Minos bade me enter the gate, and not indulge myself
with trumpeting forth my virtues. I accordingly passed forward with my
lovely companion, and, embracing her with vast eagerness, but spiritual
innocence, she returned my embrace in the same manner, and we both
congratulated ourselves on our arrival in this happy region, whose
beauty no painting of the imagination can describe.




CHAPTER VIII

     The adventures which the author met on his first entrance
     into Elysium.

We pursued our way through a delicious grove of orange-trees, where I
saw infinite numbers of spirits, every one of whom I knew, and was known
by them (for spirits here know one another by intuition). I presently
met a little daughter whom I had lost several years before. Good gods!
what words can describe the raptures, the melting passionate tenderness,
with which we kissed each other, continuing in our embrace, with the
most ecstatic joy, a space which, if time had been measured here as on
earth, could not be less than half a year.

The first spirit with whom I entered into discourse was the famous
Leonidas of Sparta. I acquainted him with the honors which had been done
him by a celebrated poet of our nation; to which he answered he was very
much obliged to him. We were presently afterwards entertained with the
most delicious voice I had ever heard, accompanied by a violin, equal to
Signior Piantinida. I presently discovered the musician and songster to
be Orpheus and Sappho.

Old Homer was present at this concert (if I may so call it), and Madam
Dacier sat in his lap. He asked much after Mr. Pope, and said he was
very desirous of seeing him; for that he had read his Iliad in his
translation with almost as much delight as he believed he had given
others in the original. I had the curiosity to inquire whether he had
really writ that poem in detached pieces, and sung it about as ballads
all over Greece, according to the report which went of him. He smiled at
my question, and asked me whether there appeared any connection in
the poem; for if there did he thought I might answer myself. I then
importuned him to acquaint me in which of the cities which contended for
the honor of his birth he was really born? To which he answered, “Upon
my soul I can’t tell.”

Virgil then came up to me, with Mr. Addison under his arm. “Well, sir,”
 said he, “how many translations have these few last years produced of
my Aeneid?” I told him I believed several, but I could not possibly
remember; for that I had never read any but Dr. Trapp’s. “Ay,” said
he, “that is a curious piece indeed!” I then acquainted him with the
discovery made by Mr. Warburton of the Elusinian mysteries couched in
his sixth book. “What mysteries?” said Mr. Addison. “The Elusinian,”
 answered Virgil, “which I have disclosed in my sixth book.” “How!”
 replied Addison. “You never mentioned a word of any such mysteries to
me in all our acquaintance.” “I thought it was unnecessary,” cried the
other, “to a man of your infinite learning: besides, you always told
me you perfectly understood my meaning.” Upon this I thought the critic
looked a little out of countenance, and turned aside to a very merry
spirit, one Dick Steele, who embraced him, and told him he had been the
greatest man upon earth; that he readily resigned up all the merit of
his own works to him. Upon which Addison gave him a gracious smile, and,
clapping him on the back with much solemnity, cried out, “Well said,
Dick!”

I then observed Shakespeare standing between Betterton and Booth, and
deciding a difference between those two great actors concerning the
placing an accent in one of his lines: this was disputed on both sides
with a warmth which surprised me in Elysium, till I discovered by
intuition that every soul retained its principal characteristic, being,
indeed, its very essence. The line was that celebrated one in Othello--

PUT OUT THE LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THE LIGHT. according to Betterton.
Mr. Booth contended to have it thus:--

Put out the light, and then put out THE light. I could not help offering
my conjecture on this occasion, and suggested it might perhaps be--

Put out the light, and then put out THY light. Another hinted a reading
very sophisticated in my opinion--

Put out the light, and then put out THEE, light, making light to be the
vocative case. Another would have altered the last word, and read--

PUT OUT THY LIGHT, AND THEN PUT OUT THY SIGHT. But Betterton said, if
the text was to be disturbed, he saw no reason why a word might not be
changed as well as a letter, and, instead of “put out thy light,” you
may read “put out thy eyes.” At last it was agreed on all sides to refer
the matter to the decision of Shakespeare himself, who delivered his
sentiments as follows: “Faith, gentlemen, it is so long since I wrote
the line, I have forgot my meaning. This I know, could I have dreamed
so much nonsense would have been talked and writ about it, I would
have blotted it out of my works; for I am sure, if any of these be my
meaning, it doth me very little honor.”

He was then interrogated concerning some other ambiguous passages in his
works; but he declined any satisfactory answer; saying, if Mr. Theobald
had not writ about it sufficiently, there were three or four more new
editions of his plays coming out, which he hoped would satisfy every
one: concluding, “I marvel nothing so much as that men will gird
themselves at discovering obscure beauties in an author. Certes the
greatest and most pregnant beauties are ever the plainest and most
evidently striking; and when two meanings of a passage can in the
least balance our judgments which to prefer, I hold it matter of
unquestionable certainty that neither of them is worth a farthing.”
 From his works our conversation turned on his monument; upon which,
Shakespeare, shaking his sides, and addressing himself to Milton, cried
out, “On my word, brother Milton, they have brought a noble set of poets
together; they would have been hanged erst have [ere they had] convened
such a company at their tables when alive.” “True, brother,” answered
Milton, “unless we had been as incapable of eating then as we are now.”




CHAPTER IX

     More adventures in Elysium.

A crowd of spirits now joined us, whom I soon perceived to be the
heroes, who here frequently pay their respects to the several bards the
recorders of their actions. I now saw Achilles and Ulysses addressing
themselves to Homer, and Aeneas and Julius Caesar to Virgil: Adam went
up to Milton, upon which I whispered Mr. Dryden that I thought the devil
should have paid his compliments there, according to his opinion. Dryden
only answered, “I believe the devil was in me when I said so.” Several
applied themselves to Shakespeare, amongst whom Henry V made a very
distinguishing appearance. While my eyes were fixed on that monarch a
very small spirit came up to me, shook me heartily by the hand, and told
me his name was THOMAS THUMB. I expressed great satisfaction in seeing
him, nor could I help speaking my resentment against the historian, who
had done such injustice to the stature of this great little man, which
he represented to be no bigger than a span, whereas I plainly perceived
at first sight he was full a foot and a half (and the 37th part of an
inch more, as he himself informed me), being indeed little shorter than
some considerable beaux of the present age. I asked this little hero
concerning the truth of those stories related of him, viz., of the
pudding, and the cow’s belly. As to the former, he said it was a
ridiculous legend, worthy to be laughed at; but as to the latter, he
could not help owning there was some truth in it: nor had he any reason
to be ashamed of it, as he was swallowed by surprise; adding, with great
fierceness, that if he had had any weapon in his hand the cow should
have as soon swallowed the devil.

He spoke the last word with so much fury, and seemed so confounded,
that, perceiving the effect it had on him, I immediately waived the
story, and, passing to other matters, we had much conversation touching
giants. He said, so far from killing any, he had never seen one alive;
that he believed those actions were by mistake recorded of him, instead
of Jack the giant-killer, whom he knew very well, and who had, he
fancied, extirpated the race. I assured him to the contrary, and told
him I had myself seen a huge tame giant, who very complacently stayed in
London a whole winter, at the special request of several gentlemen and
ladies; though the affairs of his family called him home to Sweden.

I now beheld a stern-looking spirit leaning on the shoulder of another
spirit, and presently discerned the former to be Oliver Cromwell, and
the latter Charles Martel. I own I was a little surprised at seeing
Cromwell here, for I had been taught by my grandmother that he was
carried away by the devil himself in a tempest; but he assured me, on
his honor, there was not the least truth in that story. However, he
confessed he had narrowly escaped the bottomless pit; and, if the former
part of his conduct had not been more to his honor than the latter, he
had been certainly soused into it. He was, nevertheless, sent back to
the upper world with this lot:--ARMY, CAVALIER, DISTRESS.

He was born, for the second time, the day of Charles II’s restoration,
into a family which had lost a very considerable fortune in the service
of that prince and his father, for which they received the reward very
often conferred by princes on real merit, viz.--000. At 16 his father
bought a small commission for him in the army, in which he served
without any promotion all the reigns of Charles II and of his brother.
At the Revolution he quitted his regiment, and followed the fortunes
of his former master, and was in his service dangerously wounded at the
famous battle of the Boyne, where he fought in the capacity of a private
soldier. He recovered of this wound, and retired after the unfortunate
king to Paris, where he was reduced to support a wife and seven children
(for his lot had horns in it) by cleaning shoes and snuffing candles at
the opera. In which situation, after he had spent a few miserable years,
he died half-starved and broken-hearted. He then revisited Minos, who,
compassionating his sufferings by means of that family, to whom he had
been in his former capacity so bitter an enemy, suffered him to enter
here.

My curiosity would not refrain asking him one question, i. e., whether
in reality he had any desire to obtain the crown? He smiled, and said,
“No more than an ecclesiastic hath to the miter, when he cries Nolo
episcopari.” Indeed, he seemed to express some contempt at the question,
and presently turned away.

A venerable spirit appeared next, whom I found to be the great historian
Livy. Alexander the Great, who was just arrived from the palace of
death, passed by him with a frown. The historian, observing it, said,
“Ay, you may frown; but those troops which conquered the base Asiatic
slaves would have made no figure against the Romans.” We then privately
lamented the loss of the most valuable part of his history; after which
he took occasion to commend the judicious collection made by Mr. Hook,
which, he said, was infinitely preferable to all others; and at my
mentioning Echard’s he gave a bounce, not unlike the going off of
a squib, and was departing from me, when I begged him to satisfy my
curiosity in one point--whether he was really superstitious or no? For
I had always believed he was till Mr. Leibnitz had assured me to the
contrary. He answered sullenly, “Doth Mr. Leibnitz know my mind better
than myself?” and then walked away.




CHAPTER X

     The author is surprised at meeting Julian the apostate in
     Elysium; but is satisfied by him by what means he procured
     his entrance there.  Julian relates his adventures in the
     character of a slave.

As he was departing I heard him salute a spirit by the name of Mr.
Julian the apostate. This exceedingly amazed me; for I had concluded
that no man ever had a better title to the bottomless pit than he. But
I soon found that this same Julian the apostate was also the very
individual archbishop Latimer. He told me that several lies had been
raised on him in his former capacity, nor was he so bad a man as he had
been represented. However, he had been denied admittance, and forced
to undergo several subsequent pilgrimages on earth, and to act in the
different characters of a slave, a Jew, a general, an heir, a carpenter,
a beau, a monk, a fiddler, a wise man, a king, a fool, a beggar, a
prince, a statesman, a soldier, a tailor, an alderman, a poet, a knight,
a dancing-master, and three times a bishop, before his martyrdom, which,
together with his other behavior in this last character, satisfied the
judge, and procured him a passage to the blessed regions.

I told him such various characters must have produced incidents
extremely entertaining; and if he remembered all, as I supposed he did,
and had leisure, I should be obliged to him for the recital. He answered
he perfectly recollected every circumstance; and as to leisure, the only
business of that happy place was to contribute to the happiness of each
other. He therefore thanked me for adding to his, in proposing to him
a method of increasing mine. I then took my little darling in one hand,
and my favorite fellow-traveler in the other, and, going with him to
a sunny bank of flowers, we all sat down, and he began as follows:--“I
suppose you are sufficiently acquainted with my story during the time I
acted the part of the emperor Julian, though I assure you all which hath
been related of me is not true, particularly with regard to the many
prodigies forerunning my death. However, they are now very little worth
disputing; and if they can serve any purpose of the historian they
are extremely at his service. My next entrance into the world was at
Laodicea, in Syria, in a Roman family of no great note; and, being of
a roving disposition, I came at the age of seventeen to Constantinople,
where, after about a year’s stay, I set out for Thrace, at the time when
the emperor Valens admitted the Goths into that country. I was there so
captivated with the beauty of a Gothic lady, the wife of one Rodoric, a
captain, whose name, out of the most delicate tenderness for her lovely
sex, I shall even at this distance conceal; since her behavior to me was
more consistent with good-nature than with that virtue which women are
obliged to preserve against every assailant. In order to procure an
intimacy with this woman I sold myself a slave to her husband, who,
being of a nation not over-inclined to jealousy, presented me to his
wife, for those very reasons which would have induced one of a jealous
complexion to have withheld me from her, namely, for that I was young
and handsome.

“Matters succeeded so far according to my wish, and the sequel answered
those hopes which this beginning had raised. I soon perceived my service
was very acceptable to her; I often met her eyes, nor did she withdraw
them without a confusion which is scarce consistent with entire purity
of heart. Indeed, she gave me every day fresh encouragement; but the
unhappy distance which circumstances had placed between us deterred me
long from making any direct attack; and she was too strict an observer
of decorum to violate the severe rules of modesty by advancing first;
but passion at last got the better of my respect, and I resolved to make
one bold attempt, whatever was the consequence. Accordingly, laying hold
of the first kind opportunity, when she was alone and my master abroad,
I stoutly assailed the citadel and carried it by storm. Well may I say
by storm; for the resistance I met was extremely resolute, and indeed
as much as the most perfect decency would require. She swore often she
would cry out for help; but I answered it was in vain, seeing there was
no person near to assist her; and probably she believed me, for she did
not once actually cry out, which if she had, I might very likely have
been prevented.

“When she found her virtue thus subdued against her will she patiently
submitted to her fate, and quietly suffered me a long time to enjoy the
most delicious fruits of my victory; but envious fortune resolved to
make me pay a dear price for my pleasure. One day in the midst of our
happiness we were suddenly surprised by the unexpected return of her
husband, who, coming directly into his wife’s apartment, just allowed
me time to creep under the bed. The disorder in which he found his wife
might have surprised a jealous temper; but his was so far otherwise,
that possibly no mischief might have happened had he not by a cross
accident discovered my legs, which were not well hid. He immediately
drew me out by them, and then, turning to his wife with a stern
countenance, began to handle a weapon he wore by his side, with which
I am persuaded he would have instantly dispatched her, had I not very
gallantly, and with many imprecations, asserted her innocence and my
own guilt; which, however, I protested had hitherto gone no farther than
design. She so well seconded my plea (for she was a woman of wonderful
art), that he was at length imposed upon; and now all his rage was
directed against me, threatening all manner of tortures, which the
poor lady was in too great a fright and confusion to dissuade him from
executing; and perhaps, if her concern for me had made her attempt it,
it would have raised a jealousy in him not afterwards to be removed.

“After some hesitation Roderic cried out he had luckily hit on the most
proper punishment for me in the world, by a method which would at once
do severe justice on me for my criminal intention, and at the same time
prevent me from any danger of executing my wicked purpose hereafter.
This cruel resolution was immediately executed, and I was no longer
worthy the name of a man.

“Having thus disqualified me from doing him any future injury, he still
retained me in his family; but the lady, very probably repenting of what
she had done, and looking on me as the author of her guilt, would never
for the future give me either a kind word or look: and shortly after, a
great exchange being made between the Romans and the Goths of dogs for
men, my lady exchanged me with a Roman widow for a small lap-dog, giving
a considerable sum of money to boot.

“In this widow’s service I remained seven years, during all which time I
was very barbarously treated. I was worked without the least mercy, and
often severely beat by a swinging maid-servant, who never called me by
any other names than those of the Thing and the Animal. Though I used
my utmost industry to please, it never was in my power. Neither the lady
nor her woman would eat anything I touched, saying they did not believe
me wholesome. It is unnecessary to repeat particulars; in a word, you
can imagine no kind of ill usage which I did not suffer in this family.

“At last an heathen priest, an acquaintance of my lady’s, obtained me of
her for a present. The scene was now totally changed, and I had as much
reason to be satisfied with my present situation as I had to lament my
former. I was so absolutely my master’s favorite, that the rest of the
slaves paid me almost as much regard as they showed to him, well knowing
that it was entirely in my power to command and treat them as I pleased.
I was intrusted with all my master’s secrets, and used to assist him in
privately conveying away by night the sacrifices from the altars, which
the people believed the deities themselves devoured. Upon these we
feasted very elegantly, nor could invention suggest a rarity which we
did not pamper ourselves with. Perhaps you may admire at the close union
between this priest and his slave, but we lived in an intimacy which
the Christians thought criminal; but my master, who knew the will of
the gods, with whom he told me he often conversed, assured me it was
perfectly innocent.

“This happy life continued about four years, when my master’s death,
occasioned by a surfeit got by overfeeding on several exquisite
dainties, put an end to it.

“I now fell into the hands of one of a very different disposition, and
this was no other than the celebrated St. Chrysostom, who dieted me with
sermons instead of sacrifices, and filled my ears with good things, but
not my belly. Instead of high food to fatten and pamper my flesh, I had
receipts to mortify and reduce it. With these I edified so well, that
within a few months I became a skeleton. However, as he had converted
me to his faith, I was well enough satisfied with this new manner of
living, by which he taught me I might insure myself an eternal reward in
a future state. The saint was a good-natured man, and never gave me
an ill word but once, which was occasioned by my neglecting to place
Aristophanes, which was his constant bedfellow, on his pillow. He was,
indeed, extremely fond of that Greek poet, and frequently made me read
his comedies to him. When I came to any of the loose passages he would
smile, and say, ‘It was pity his matter was not as pure as his style;’
of which latter he was so immoderately fond that, notwithstanding the
detestation he expressed for obscenity, he hath made me repeat those
passages ten times over. The character of this good man hath been very
unjustly attacked by his heathen contemporaries, particularly with
regard to women; but his severe invectives against that sex are his
sufficient justification.

“From the service of this saint, from whom I received manumission, I
entered into the family of Timasius, a leader of great eminence in
the imperial army, into whose favor I so far insinuated myself that he
preferred me to a good command, and soon made me partaker of both his
company and his secrets. I soon grew intoxicated with this preferment,
and the more he loaded me with benefits the more he raised my opinion of
my own merit, which, still outstripping the rewards he conferred on me,
inspired me rather with dissatisfaction than gratitude. And thus,
by preferring me beyond my merit or first expectation, he made me an
envious aspiring enemy, whom perhaps a more moderate bounty would have
preserved a dutiful servant.

“I fell now acquainted with one Lucilius, a creature of the prime
minister Eutropius, who had by his favor been raised to the post of
a tribune; a man of low morals, and eminent only in that meanest of
qualities, cunning. This gentleman, imagining me a fit tool for the
minister’s purpose, having often sounded my principles of honor and
honesty, both which he declared to me were words without meaning,
and finding my ready concurrence in his sentiments, recommended me
to Eutropius as very proper to execute some wicked purposes he had
contrived against my frend Timasius. The minister embraced this
recommendation, and I was accordingly acquainted by Lucilius (after some
previous accounts of the great esteem Eutropius entertained of me, from
the testimony he had borne of my parts) that he would introduce me to
him; adding that he was a great encourager of merit, and that I might
depend upon his favor.

“I was with little difficulty prevailed on to accept of this invitation.
A late hour therefore the next evening being appointed, I attended my
friend Lucilius to the minister’s house.

“He received me with the utmost civility and cheerfulness, and affected
so much regard to me, that I, who knew nothing of these high scenes of
life, concluded I had in him a most disinterested friend, owing to the
favorable report which Lucilius had made of me. I was however soon cured
of this opinion; for immediately after supper our discourse turned on
the injustice which the generality of the world were guilty of in their
conduct to great men, expecting that they should reward their private
merit, without ever endeavoring to apply it to their use. ‘What avail,’
said Eutropius, ‘the learning, wit, courage, or any virtue which a man
may be possessed of, to me, unless I receive some benefit from them?
Hath he not more merit to me who doth my business and obeys my commands,
without any of these qualities?’ I gave such entire satisfaction in
my answers on this head, that both the minister and his creature grew
bolder, and after some preface began to accuse Timasius. At last,
finding I did not attempt to defend him, Lucilius swore a great oath
that he was not fit to live, and that he would destroy him. Eutropius
answered that it would be too dangerous a task: ‘Indeed,’ says he, ‘his
crimes are of so black a dye, and so well known to the emperor, that his
death must be a very acceptable service, and could not fail meeting a
proper reward: but I question whether you are capable of executing
it.’ ‘If he is not,’ cried I, ‘I am; and surely no man can have greater
motives to destroy him than myself: for, besides his disloyalty to my
prince, for whom I have so perfect a duty, I have private disobligations
to him. I have had fellows put over my head, to the great scandal of
the service in general, and to my own prejudice and disappointment
in particular.’ I will not repeat you my whole speech; but, to be as
concise as possible, when we parted that evening the minister squeezed
me heartily by the hand, and with great commendation of my honesty and
assurances of his favor, he appointed me the next evening to come to
him alone; when, finding me, after a little more scrutiny, ready for his
purpose, he proposed to me to accuse Timasius of high treason, promising
me the highest rewards if I would undertake it. The consequence to him,
I suppose you know, was ruin; but what was it to me? Why, truly, when
I waited on Eutropius for the fulfilling his promises, received me
with great distance and coldness; and, on my dropping some hints of
my expectations from him, he affected not to understand me; saying
he thought impunity was the utmost I could hope for on discovering my
accomplice, whose offense was only greater than mine, as he was in
a higher station; and telling me he had great difficulty to obtain a
pardon for me from the emperor, which he said, he had struggled very
hardly for, as he had worked the discovery out of me. He turned away,
and addressed himself to another person.

“I was so incensed at this treatment, that I resolved revenge, and
should certainly have pursued it, had he not cautiously prevented me by
taking effectual means to despatch me soon after out of the world.

“You will, I believe, now think I had a second good chance for the
bottomless pit, and indeed Minos seemed inclined to tumble me in, till
he was informed of the revenge taken on me by Roderic, and my seven
years’ subsequent servitude to the widow; which he thought sufficient to
make atonement for all the crimes a single life could admit of, and so
sent me back to try my fortune a third time.”




CHAPTER XI

     In which Julian relates his adventures in the character of
     an avaricious Jew.

“The next character in which I was destined to appear in the flesh was
that of an avaricious Jew. I was born in Alexandria in Egypt. My name
was Balthazar. Nothing very remarkable happened to me till the year
of the memorable tumult in which the Jews of that city are reported in
history to have massacred more Christians than at that time dwelt in it.
Indeed, the truth is, they did maul the dogs pretty handsomely; but I
myself was not present, for as all our people were ordered to be armed,
I took that opportunity of selling two swords, which probably I might
otherwise never have disposed of, they being extremely old and rusty; so
that, having no weapon left, I did not care to venture abroad. Besides,
though I really thought it an act meriting salvation to murder the
Nazarenes, as the fact was to be committed at midnight, at which time,
to avoid suspicion, we were all to sally from our own houses, I could
not persuade myself to consume so much oil in sitting up to that hour:
for these reasons therefore I remained at home that evening.

“I was at this time greatly enamored with one Hypatia, the daughter of a
philosopher; a young lady of the greatest beauty and merit: indeed, she
had every imaginable ornament both of mind and body. She seemed not
to dislike my person; but there were two obstructions to our marriage,
viz., my religion and her poverty: both which might probably have been
got over, had not those dogs the Christians murdered her; and, what is
worse, afterwards burned her body: worse, I say, because I lost by that
means a jewel of some value, which I had presented to her, designing, if
our nuptials did not take place, to demand it of her back again.

“Being thus disappointed in my love, I soon after left Alexandria and
went to the imperial city, where I apprehended I should find a good
market for jewels on the approaching marriage of the emperor with
Athenais. I disguised myself as a beggar on this journey, for these
reasons: first, as I imagined I should thus carry my jewels with greater
safety; and, secondly, to lessen my expenses; which latter expedient
succeeded so well, that I begged two oboli on my way more than my
traveling cost me, my diet being chiefly roots, and my drink water.

“But perhaps, it had been better for me if I had been more lavish
and more expeditious; for the ceremony was over before I reached
Constantinople; so that I lost that glorious opportunity of disposing of
my jewels with which many of our people were greatly enriched.

“The life of a miser is very little worth relating, as it is one
constant scheme of getting or saving money. I shall therefore repeat to
you some few only of my adventures, without regard to any order.

“A Roman Jew, who was a great lover of Falernian wine, and who indulged
himself very freely with it, came to dine at my house; when, knowing he
should meet with little wine, and that of the cheaper sort, sent me in
half-a-dozen jars of Falernian. Can you believe I would not give this
man his own wine? Sir, I adulterated it so that I made six jars
of [them] three, which he and his friend drank; the other three I
afterwards sold to the very person who originally sent them me, knowing
he would give a better price than any other.

“A noble Roman came one day to my house in the country, which I had
purchased, for half the value, of a distressed person. My neighbors paid
him the compliment of some music, on which account, when he departed,
he left a piece of gold with me to be distributed among them. I pocketed
this money, and ordered them a small vessel of sour wine, which I could
not have sold for above two drachms, and afterwards made them pay in
work three times the value of it.

“As I was not entirely void of religion, though I pretended to
infinitely more than I had, so I endeavored to reconcile my transactions
to my conscience as well as possible. Thus I never invited any one to
eat with me, but those on whose pockets I had some design. After our
collation it was constantly my method to set down in a book I kept for
that purpose, what I thought they owed me for their meal. Indeed, this
was generally a hundred times as much as they could have dined elsewhere
for; but, however, it was quid pro quo, if not ad valorem. Now, whenever
the opportunity offered of imposing on them I considered it only as
paying myself what they owed me: indeed, I did not always confine myself
strictly to what I had set down, however extravagant that was; but I
reconciled taking the overplus to myself as usance.

“But I was not only too cunning for others--I sometimes overreached
myself. I have contracted distempers for want of food and warmth, which
have put me to the expense of a physician; nay, I once very narrowly
escaped death by taking bad drugs, only to save one seven-eighth per
cent in the price.

“By these and such like means, in the midst of poverty and every kind of
distress, I saw myself master of an immense fortune, the casting up and
ruminating on which was my daily and only pleasure. This was, however,
obstructed and embittered by two considerations, which against my will
often invaded my thoughts. One, which would have been intolerable (but
that indeed seldom troubled me), was, that I must one day leave my
darling treasure.

“The other haunted me continually, viz., that my riches were no greater.
However, I comforted myself against this reflection by an assurance that
they would increase daily: on which head my hopes were so extensive that
I may say with Virgil--

‘His ego nec metas rerum nec tempora pono.’

Indeed I am convinced that, had I possessed the whole globe of earth,
save one single drachma, which I had been certain never to be master
of--I am convinced, I say, that single drachma would have given me more
uneasiness than all the rest could afford me pleasure.

“To say the truth, between my solicitude in contriving schemes to
procure money and my extreme anxiety in preserving it, I never had one
moment of ease while awake nor of quiet when in my sleep.

“In all the characters through which I have passed, I have never
undergone half the misery I suffered in this; and, indeed, Minos seemed
to be of the same opinion; for while I stood trembling and shaking in
expectation of my sentence he bid me go back about my business, for that
nobody was to be d--n’d in more worlds than one. And, indeed, I have
since learned that the devil will not receive a miser.”




CHAPTER XII

     What happened to Julian in the characters of a general, an
     heir, a carpenter, and a beau.

“The next step I took into the world was at Apollonia, in Thrace, where
I was born of a beautiful Greek slave, who was the mistress of Eutyches,
a great favorite of the emperor Zeno. That prince, at his restoration,
gave me the command of a cohort, I being then but fifteen years of age;
and a little afterwards, before I had even seen an army, preferred me,
over the heads of all the old officers, to be a tribune.

“As I found an easy access to the emperor, by means of my father’s
intimacy with him, he being a very good courtier--or, in other words, a
most prostitute flatterer--so I soon ingratiated myself with Zeno, and
so well imitated my father in flattering him, that he would never part
with me from about his person. So that the first armed force I ever
beheld was that with which Marcian surrounded the palace, where I was
then shut up with the rest of the court.

“I was afterwards put at the head of a legion and ordered to march into
Syria with Theodoric the Goth; that is, I mean my legion was so ordered;
for, as to myself, I remained at court, with the name and pay of a
general, without the labor or the danger.

 “As nothing could be more gay, i. e., debauched, than Zeno’s
court, so the ladies of gay disposition had great sway in it;
particularly one, whose name was Fausta, who, though not extremely
handsome, was by her wit and sprightliness very agreeable to the
emperor. With her I lived in good correspondence, and we together
disposed of all kinds of commissions in the army, not to those who had
most merit, but who would purchase at the highest rate. My levee was now
prodigiously thronged by officers who returned from the campaigns, who,
though they might have been convinced by daily example how ineffectual
a recommendation their services were, still continued indefatigable in
attendance, and behaved to me with as much observance and respect as I
should have been entitled to for making their fortunes, while I suffered
them and their families to starve.

“Several poets, likewise, addressed verses to me, in which they
celebrated my achievements; and what, perhaps, may seem strange to us
at present, I received all this incense with most greedy vanity, without
once reflecting that, as I did not deserve these compliments, they
should rather put me in mind of my defects.

“My father was now dead, and I became so absolute in the emperor’s grace
that one unacquainted with courts would scarce believe the servility
with which all kinds of persons who entered the walls of the palace
behaved towards me. A bow, a smile, a nod from me, as I passed through
cringing crowds, were esteemed as signal favors; but a gracious word
made any one happy; and, indeed, had this real benefit attending it,
that it drew on the person on whom it was bestowed a very great degree
of respect from all others; for these are of current value in courts,
and, like notes in trading communities, are assignable from one to the
other. The smile of a court favorite immediately raises the person
who receives it, and gives a value to his smile when conferred on an
inferior: thus the smile is transferred from one to the other, and the
great man at last is the person to discount it. For instance, a very
low fellow hath a desire for a place. To whom is he to apply? Not to the
great man; for to him he hath no access. He therefore applies to A, who
is the creature of B, who is the tool of C, who is the flatterer of D,
who is the catamite of E, who is the pimp of F, who is the bully of G,
who is the buffoon of I, who is the husband of K, who is the whore of
L, who is the bastard of M, who is the instrument of the great man. Thus
the smile descending regularly from the great man to A, is discounted
back again, and at last paid by the great man.

“It is manifest that a court would subsist as difficultly without this
kind of coin as a trading city without paper credit. Indeed, they differ
in this, that their value is not quite so certain, and a favorite may
protest his smile without the danger of bankruptcy.

“In the midst of all this glory the emperor died, and Anastasius was
preferred to the crown. As it was yet uncertain whether I should not
continue in favor, I was received as usual at my entrance into the
palace to pay my respects to the new emperor; but I was no sooner rumped
by him than I received the same compliment from all the rest; the whole
room, like a regiment of soldiers, turning their backs to me all at
once: my smile now was become of equal value with the note of a broken
banker, and every one was as cautious not to receive it.

“I made as much haste as possible from the court, and shortly after
from the city, retreating to the place of my nativity, where I spent the
remainder of my days in a retired life in husbandry, the only amusement
for which I was qualified, having neither learning nor virtue.

“When I came to the gate Minos again seemed at first doubtful, but at
length dismissed me; saying though I had been guilty of many heinous
crimes, in as much as I had, though a general, never been concerned in
spilling human blood, I might return again to earth.

“I was now again born in Alexandria, and, by great accident, entering
into the womb of my daughter-in-law, came forth my own grandson,
inheriting that fortune which I had before amassed.

“Extravagance was now as notoriously my vice as avarice had been
formerly; and I spent in a very short life what had cost me the labor
of a very long one to rake together. Perhaps you will think my present
condition was more to be envied than my former: but upon my word it was
very little so; for, by possessing everything almost before I desired
it, I could hardly ever say I enjoyed my wish: I scarce ever knew the
delight of satisfying a craving appetite. Besides, as I never once
thought, my mind was useless to me, and I was an absolute stranger to
all the pleasures arising from it. Nor, indeed, did my education qualify
me for any delicacy in other enjoyments; so that in the midst of plenty
I loathed everything. Taste for elegance I had none; and the greatest of
corporeal blisses I felt no more from than the lowest animal. In a word,
as while a miser I had plenty without daring to use it, so now I had it
without appetite.

“But if I was not very happy in the height of my enjoyment, so I
afterwards became perfectly miserable; being soon overtaken by disease,
and reduced to distress, till at length, with a broken constitution and
broken heart, I ended my wretched days in a jail: nor can I think the
sentence of Minos too mild, who condemned me, after having taken a large
dose of avarice, to wander three years on the banks of Cocytus, with
the knowledge of having spent the fortune in the person of the grandson
which I had raised in that of the grandfather.

“The place of my birth, on my return to the world, was Constantinople,
where my father was a carpenter. The first thing I remember was, the
triumph of Belisarius, which was, indeed, most noble show; but nothing
pleased me so much as the figure of Gelimer, king of the African
Vandals, who, being led captive on this occasion, reflecting with
disdain on the mutation of his own fortune, and on the ridiculous empty
pomp of the conqueror, cried out, VANITY, VANITY, ALL IS MERE VANITY.’

“I was bred up to my father’s trade, and you may easily believe so low a
sphere could produce no adventures worth your notice. However, I married
a woman I liked, and who proved a very tolerable wife. My days were
passed in hard labor, but this procured me health, and I enjoyed a
homely supper at night with my wife with more pleasure than I apprehend
greater persons find at their luxurious meals. My life had scarce any
variety in it, and at my death I advanced to Minos with great confidence
of entering the gate: but I was unhappily obliged to discover some
frauds I had been guilty of in the measure of my work when I worked
by the foot, as well as my laziness when I was employed by the day. On
which account, when I attempted to pass, the angry judge laid hold on
me by the shoulders, and turned me back so violently, that, had I had a
neck of flesh and bone, I believe he would have broke it.”




CHAPTER XIII

     Julian passes into a fop.

“My scene of action was Rome. I was born into a noble family, and heir
to a considerable fortune. On which my parents, thinking I should not
want any talents, resolved very kindly and wisely to throw none away
upon me. The only instructors of my youth were therefore one Saltator,
who taught me several motions for my legs; and one Ficus, whose business
was to show me the cleanest way (as he called it) of cutting off a man’s
head. When I was well accomplished in these sciences, I thought nothing
more wanting, but what was to be furnished by the several mechanics in
Rome, who dealt in dressing and adorning the pope. Being therefore well
equipped with all which their art could produce, I became at the age
of twenty a complete finished beau. And now during forty-five years I
dressed, I sang and danced, and danced and sang, I bowed and ogled, and
ogled and bowed, till, in the sixty-sixth year of my age, I got cold by
overheating myself with dancing, and died.

“Minos told me, as I was unworthy of Elysium, so I was too insignificant
to be damned, and therefore bade me walk back again.”




CHAPTER XIV

     Adventures in the person of a monk.

“Fortune now placed me in the character of a younger brother of a good
house, and I was in my youth sent to school; but learning was now at so
low an ebb, that my master himself could hardly construe a sentence
of Latin; and as for Greek, he could not read it. With very little
knowledge therefore, and with altogether as little virtue, I was set
apart for the church, and at the proper age commenced monk. I lived many
years retired in a cell, a life very agreeable to the gloominess of my
temper, which was much inclined to despise the world; that is, in other
words, to envy all men of superior fortune and qualifications, and in
general to hate and detest the human species. Notwithstanding which,
I could, on proper occasions, submit to flatter the vilest fellow in
nature, which I did one Stephen, an eunuch, a favorite of the emperor
Justinian II, one of the wickedest wretches whom perhaps the world ever
saw. I not only wrote a panegyric on this man, but I commended him as
a pattern to all others in my sermons; by which means I so greatly
ingratiated myself with him, that he introduced me to the emperor’s
presence, where I prevailed so far by the same methods, that I was
shortly taken from my cell, and preferred to a place at court. I was no
sooner established in the favor of Justinian than I prompted him to all
kind of cruelty. As I was of a sour morose temper, and hated nothing
more than the symptoms of happiness appearing in any countenance, I
represented all kind of diversion and amusement as the most horrid sins.
I inveighed against cheerfulness as levity, and encouraged nothing but
gravity, or, to confess the truth to you, hypocrisy. The unhappy
emperor followed my advice, and incensed the people by such repeated
barbarities, that he was at last deposed by them and banished.

“I now retired again to my cell (for historians mistake in saying I was
put to death), where I remained safe from the danger of the irritated
mob, whom I cursed in my own heart as much as they could curse me.

“Justinian, after three years of his banishment, returned to
Constantinople in disguise, and paid me a visit. I at first affected
not to know him, and without the least compunction of gratitude for his
former favors, intended not to receive him, till a thought immediately
suggested itself to me how I might convert him to my advantage, I
pretended to recollect him; and, blaming the shortness of my memory
and badness of my eyes, I sprung forward and embraced him with great
affection.

“My design was to betray him to Apsimar, who, I doubted not, would
generously reward such a service. I therefore very earnestly requested
him to spend the whole evening with me; to which he consented. I formed
an excuse for leaving him a few minutes, and ran away to the palace to
acquaint Apsimar with the guest whom I had then in my cell. He presently
ordered a guard to go with me and seize him; but, whether the length of
my stay gave him any suspicion, or whether he changed his purpose after
my departure, I know not; for at my return we found he had given us the
slip; nor could we with the most diligent search discover him.

“Apsimar, being disappointed of his prey, now raged at me; at first
denouncing the most dreadful vengeance if I did not produce the deposed
monarch. However, by soothing his passion when at the highest, and
afterwards by canting and flattery, I made a shift to escape his fury.

“When Justinian was restored I very confidently went to wish him joy
of his restoration: but it seems he had unfortunately heard of my
treachery, so that he at first received me coldly, and afterwards
upbraided me openly with what I had done. I persevered stoutly in
denying it, as I knew no evidence could be produced against me; till,
finding him irreconcilable, I betook myself to reviling him in my
sermons, and on every other occasion, as an enemy to the church and good
men, and as an infidel, a heretic, an atheist, a heathen, and an Arian.
This I did immediately on his return, and before he gave those flagrant
proofs of his inhumanity which afterwards sufficiently verified all I
had said.

“Luckily I died on the same day when a great number of those forces
which Justinian had sent against the Thracian Bosphorus, and who had
executed such unheard-of cruelties there, perished. As every one
of these was cast into the bottomless pit, Minos was so tired with
condemnation, that he proclaimed that all present who had not been
concerned in that bloody expedition might, if they pleased, return to
the other world. I took him at his word, and, presently turning about,
began my journey.”




CHAPTER XV

     Julian passes into the character of a fiddler.

“Rome was now the seat of my nativity. My mother was an African, a woman
of no great beauty, but a favorite, I suppose from her piety, of
pope Gregory II. Who was my father I know not, but I believe no very
considerable man; for after the death of that pope, who was, out of his
religion, a very good friend of my mother, we fell into great distress,
and were at length reduced to walk the streets of Rome; nor had either
of us any other support but a fiddle, on which I played with pretty
tolerable skill; for, as my genius turned naturally to music, so I had
been in my youth very early instructed at the expense of the good pope.
This afforded us but a very poor livelihood: for, though I had often
a numerous crowd of hearers, few ever thought themselves obliged to
contribute the smallest pittance to the poor starving wretch who had
given them pleasure. Nay, some of the graver sort, after an hour’s
attention to my music, have gone away shaking their heads, and crying it
was a shame such vagabonds were suffered to stay in the city.

“To say the truth, I am confident the fiddle would not have kept us
alive had we entirely depended on the generosity of my hearers. My
mother therefore was forced to use her own industry; and while I was
soothing the ears of the crowd, she applied to their pockets, and that
generally with such good success that we now began to enjoy a very
comfortable subsistence; and indeed, had we had the least prudence or
forecast, might have soon acquired enough to enable us to quit this
dangerous and dishonorable way of life: but I know not what is the
reason that money got with labor and safety is constantly preserved,
while the produce of danger and ease is commonly spent as easily, and
often as wickedly, as acquired. Thus we proportioned our expenses rather
by what we had than what we wanted or even desired; and on obtaining a
considerable booty we have even forced nature into the most profligate
extravagance, and have been wicked without inclination.

“We carried on this method of thievery for a long time without
detection: but, as Fortune generally leaves persons of extraordinary
ingenuity in the lurch at last, so did she us; for my poor mother was
taken in the fact, and, together with myself, as her accomplice, hurried
before a magistrate.

“Luckily for us, the person who was to be our judge was the greatest
lover of music in the whole city, and had often sent for me to play
to him, for which, as he had given me very small rewards, perhaps his
gratitude now moved him: but, whatever was his motive, he browbeat the
informers against us, and treated their evidence with so little favor,
that their mouths were soon stopped, and we dismissed with honor;
acquitted, I should rather have it said, for we were not suffered to
depart till I had given the judge several tunes on the fiddle.

“We escaped the better on this occasion because the person robbed
happened to be a poet; which gave the judge, who was a facetious person,
many opportunities of jesting. He said poets and musicians should agree
together, seeing they had married sisters; which he afterwards explained
to be the sister arts. And when the piece of gold was produced he burst
into a loud laugh, and said it must be the golden age, when poets had
gold in their pockets, and in that age there could be no robbers. He
made many more jests of the same kind, but a small taste will suffice.

“It is a common saying that men should take warning by any signal
delivery; but I cannot approve the justice of it; for to me it seems
that the acquittal of a guilty person should rather inspire him with
confidence, and it had this effect on us: for we now laughed at the law,
and despised its punishments, which we found were to be escaped even
against positive evidence. We imagined the late example was rather a
warning to the accuser than the criminal, and accordingly proceeded in
the most impudent and flagitious manner.

“Among other robberies, one night, being admitted by the servants into
the house of an opulent priest, my mother took an opportunity, whilst
the servants were dancing to my tunes, to convey away a silver vessel;
this she did without the least sacrilegious intention; but it seems the
cup, which was a pretty large one, was dedicated to holy uses, and only
borrowed by the priest on an entertainment which he made for some of his
brethren. We were immediately pursued upon this robbery (the cup being
taken in our possession), and carried before the same magistrate, who
had before behaved to us with so much gentleness: but his countenance
was now changed, for the moment the priest appeared against us, his
severity was as remarkable as his candor had been before, and we were
both ordered to be stripped and whipped through the streets.

“This sentence was executed with great severity, the priest himself
attending and encouraging the executioner, which he said he did for the
good of our souls; but, though our backs were both flayed, neither
my mother’s torments nor my own afflicted me so much as the indignity
offered to my poor fiddle, which was carried in triumph before me, and
treated with a contempt by the multitude, intimating a great scorn
for the science I had the honor to profess; which, as it is one of
the noblest inventions of men, and as I had been always in the highest
degree proud of my excellence in it, I suffered so much from the
ill-treatment my fiddle received, that I would have given all my
remainder of skin to have preserved it from this affront.

“My mother survived the whipping a very short time; and I was now
reduced to great distress and misery, till a young Roman of considerable
rank took a fancy to me, received me into his family, and conversed with
me in the utmost familiarity. He had a violent attachment to music, and
would learn to play on the fiddle; but, through want of genius for the
science, he never made any considerable progress. However, I flattered
his performance, and he grew extravagantly fond of me for so doing.
Had I continued this behavior I might possibly have reaped the greatest
advantages from his kindness; but I had raised his own opinion of his
musical abilities so high, that he now began to prefer his skill to
mine, a presumption I could not bear. One day as we were playing in
concert he was horribly out; nor was it possible, as he destroyed the
harmony, to avoid telling him of it. Instead of receiving my correction,
he answered it was my blunder and not his, and that I had mistaken the
key. Such an affront from my own scholar was beyond human patience; I
flew into a violent passion, I flung down my instrument in a rage, and
swore I was not to be taught music at my age. He answered, with as much
warmth, nor was he to be instructed by a strolling fiddler. The dispute
ended in a challenge to play a prize before judges. This wager was
determined in my favor; but the purchase was a dear one, for I lost my
friend by it, who now, twitting me with all his kindness, with my former
ignominious punishment, and the destitute condition from which I had
been by his bounty relieved, discarded me for ever.

“While I lived with this gentleman I became known, among others, to
Sabina, a lady of distinction, and who valued herself much on her taste
for music. She no sooner heard of my being discarded than she took
me into her house, where I was extremely well clothed and fed.
Notwithstanding which, my situation was far from agreeable; for I was
obliged to submit to her constant reprehensions before company, which
gave me the greater uneasiness because they were always wrong; nor am I
certain that she did not by these provocations contribute to my death:
for, as experience had taught me to give up my resentment to my bread,
so my passions, for want of outward vent, preyed inwardly on my vitals,
and perhaps occasioned the distemper of which I sickened.

“The lady, who, amidst all the faults she found, was very fond of
me, nay, probably was the fonder of me the more faults she found,
immediately called in the aid of three celebrated physicians. The
doctors (being well fee’d) made me seven visits in three days, and
two of them were at the door to visit me the eighth time, when, being
acquainted that I was just dead, they shook their heads and departed.

“When I came to Minos he asked me with a smile whether I had brought my
fiddle with me; and, receiving an answer in the negative, he bid me get
about my business, saying it was well for me that the devil was no lover
of music.”




CHAPTER XVI

     The history of the wise man.

“I now returned to Rome, but in a very different character. Fortune had
now allotted me a serious part to act. I had even in my infancy a grave
disposition, nor was I ever seen to smile, which infused an opinion into
all about me that I was a child of great solidity; some foreseeing that
I should be a judge, and others a bishop. At two years old my father
presented me with a rattle, which I broke to pieces with great
indignation. This the good parent, being extremely wise, regarded as an
eminent symptom of my wisdom, and cried out in a kind of ecstasy, ‘Well
said, boy! I warrant thou makest a great man.’

“At school I could never be persuaded to play with my mates; not that
I spent my hours in learning, to which I was not in the least addicted,
nor indeed had I any talents for it. However, the solemnity of my
carriage won so much on my master, who was a most sagacious person,
that I was his chief favorite, and my example on all occasions was
recommended to the other boys, which filled them with envy, and me with
pleasure; but, though they envied me, they all paid me that involuntary
respect which it is the curse attending this passion to bear towards its
object.

“I had now obtained universally the character of a very wise young man,
which I did not altogether purchase without pains; for the restraint I
laid on myself in abstaining from the several diversions adapted to my
years cost me many a yearning; but the pride which I inwardly enjoyed in
the fancied dignity of my character made me some amends.

“Thus I passed on, without anything very memorable happening to me,
till I arrived at the age of twenty-three, when unfortunately I fell
acquainted with a young Neapolitan lady whose name was Ariadne. Her
beauty was so exquisite that her first sight made a violent impression
on me; this was again improved by her behavior, which was most genteel,
easy, and affable: lastly, her conversation completed the conquest. In
this she discovered a strong and lively understanding, with the sweetest
and most benign temper. This lovely creature was about eighteen when I
first unhappily beheld her at Rome, on a visit to a relation with whom I
had great intimacy. As our interviews at first were extremely frequent,
my passions were captivated before I apprehended the least danger; and
the sooner probably, as the young lady herself, to whom I consulted
every method of recommendation, was not displeased with my being her
admirer.

“Ariadne, having spent three months at Rome, now returned to Naples,
bearing my heart with her: on the other hand, I had all the assurances
consistent with the constraint under which the most perfect modesty lays
a young woman, that her own heart was not entirely unaffected. I soon
found her absence gave me an uneasiness not easy to be borne or
to remove. I now first applied to diversions (of the graver sort,
particularly to music), but in vain; they rather raised my desires and
heightened my anguish. My passion at length grew so violent, that I
began to think of satisfying it. As the first step to this, I cautiously
inquired into the circumstances of Ariadne’s parents, with which I was
hitherto unacquainted: though, indeed, I did not apprehend they were
extremely great, notwithstanding the handsome appearance of their
daughter at Rome. Upon examination, her fortune exceeded my expectation,
but was not sufficient to justify my marriage with her, in the opinion
of the wise and prudent. I had now a violent struggle between wisdom
and happiness, in which, after several grievous pangs, wisdom got
the better. I could by no means prevail with myself to sacrifice that
character of profound wisdom, which I had with such uniform conduct
obtained, and with such caution hitherto preserved. I therefore resolved
to conquer my affection, whatever it cost me; and indeed it did not cost
me a little.

“While I was engaged in this conflict (for it lasted a long time)
Ariadne returned to Rome: her presence was a terrible enemy to my
wisdom, which even in her absence had with great difficulty stood
its ground. It seems (as she hath since told me in Elysium with much
merriment) I had made the same impressions on her which she had made on
me. Indeed, I believe my wisdom would have been totally subdued by this
surprise, had it not cunningly suggested to me a method of satisfying my
passion without doing any injury to my reputation. This was by engaging
her privately as a mistress, which was at that time reputable enough
at Rome, provided the affair was managed with an air of slyness and
gravity, though the secret was known to the whole city.

“I immediately set about this project, and employed every art and engine
to effect it. I had particularly bribed her priest, and an old female
acquaintance and distant relation of hers, into my interest: but all
was in vain; her virtue opposed the passion in her breast as strongly as
wisdom had opposed it in mine. She received my proposals with the utmost
disdain, and presently refused to see or hear from me any more.

“She returned again to Naples, and left me in a worse condition than
before. My days I now passed with the most irksome uneasiness, and
my nights were restless and sleepless. The story of our amour was now
pretty public, and the ladies talked of our match as certain; but my
acquaintance denied their assent, saying, ‘No, no, he is too wise to
marry so imprudently.’ This their opinion gave me, I own, very great
pleasure; but, to say the truth, scarce compensated the pangs I suffered
to preserve it.

“One day, while I was balancing with myself, and had almost resolved
to enjoy my happiness at the price of my character, a friend brought
me word that Ariadne was married. This news struck me to the soul; and
though I had resolution enough to maintain my gravity before him (for
which I suffered not a little the more), the moment I was alone I threw
myself into the most violent fit of despair, and would willingly have
parted with wisdom, fortune, and everything else, to have retrieved her;
but that was impossible, and I had now nothing but time to hope a cure
from. This was very tedious in performing it, and the longer as Ariadne
had married a Roman cavalier, was now become my near neighbor, and I had
the mortification of seeing her make the best of wives, and of having
the happiness which I had lost, every day before my eyes.

“If I suffered so much on account of my wisdom in having refused
Ariadne, I was not much more obliged to it for procuring me a rich
widow, who was recommended to me by an old friend as a very prudent
match; and, indeed, so it was, her fortune being superior to mine in
the same proportion as that of Ariadne had been inferior. I therefore
embraced this proposal, and my character of wisdom soon pleaded so
effectually for me with the widow, who was herself a woman of great
gravity and discretion, that I soon succeeded; and as soon as decency
would permit (of which this lady was the strictest observer) we were
married, being the second day of the second week of the second year
after her husband’s death; for she said she thought some period of time
above the year had a great air of decorum.

“But, prudent as this lady was, she made me miserable. Her person was
far from being lovely, but her temper was intolerable.

“During fifteen years’ habitation, I never passed a single day without
heartily cursing her, and the hour in which we came together. The only
comfort I received, in the midst of the highest torments, was from
continually hearing the prudence of my match commended by all my
acquaintance.

“Thus you see, in the affairs of love, I bought the reputation of
wisdom pretty dear. In other matters I had it somewhat cheaper; not that
hypocrisy, which was the price I gave for it, gives one no pain. I have
refused myself a thousand little amusements with a feigned contempt,
while I have really had an inclination to them. I have often almost
choked myself to restrain from laughing at a jest, and (which was
perhaps to myself the least hurtful of all my hypocrisy) have heartily
enjoyed a book in my closet which I have spoken with detestation of in
public. To sum up my history in short, as I had few adventures worth
remembering, my whole life was one constant lie; and happy would it have
been for me if I could as thoroughly have imposed on myself as I did on
others: for reflection, at every turn, would often remind me I was
not so wise as people thought me; and this considerably embittered the
pleasure I received from the public commendation of my wisdom. This
self-admonition, like a memento mori or mortalis es, must be, in my
opinion, a very dangerous enemy to flattery: indeed, a weight sufficient
to counterbalance all the false praise of the world. But whether it be
that the generality of wise men do not reflect at all, or whether they
have, from a constant imposition on others, contracted such a habit of
deceit as to deceive themselves, I will not determine: it is, I believe,
most certain that very few wise men know themselves what fools they are,
more than the world doth. Good gods! could one but see what passes in
the closet of wisdom! how ridiculous a sight must it be to behold the
wise man, who despises gratifying his palate, devouring custard; the
sober wise man with his dram-bottle; or, the anti-carnalist (if I may
be allowed the expression) chuckling over a b--dy book or picture, and
perhaps caressing his house-maid!

“But to conclude a character in which I apprehend I made as absurd a
figure as in any in which I trod the stage of earth, my wisdom at last
but an end to itself, that is, occasioned my dissolution.

“A relation of mine in the eastern part of the empire disinherited his
son, and left me his heir. This happened in the depth of winter, when
I was in my grand climacteric, and had just recovered of a dangerous
disease. As I had all the reason imaginable to apprehend the family of
the deceased would conspire against me, and embezzle as much as they
could, I advised with a grave and wise friend what was proper to be
done; whether I should go myself, or employ a notary on this occasion,
and defer my journey to the spring. To say the truth, I was most
inclined to the latter; the rather as my circumstances were extremely
flourishing, as I was advanced in years, and had not one person in the
world to whom I should with pleasure bequeath any fortune at my death.

“My friend told me he thought my question admitted of no manner of
doubt or debate; that common prudence absolutely required my immediate
departure; adding, that if the same good luck had happened to him he
would have been already on his journey; ‘for,’ continued he, ‘a man who
knows the world so well as you, would be inexcusable to give persons
such an opportunity of cheating you, who, you must be assured, will
be too well inclined; and as for employing a notary, remember that
excellent maxim, Ne facias per alium, quod fieri potest per te. I
own the badness of the season and your very late recovery are unlucky
circumstances; but a wise man must get over difficulties when necessity
obliges him to encounter them.’

“I was immediately determined by this opinion. The duty of a wise man
made an irresistible impression, and I took the necessity for granted
without examination. I accordingly set forward the next morning; very
tempestuous weather soon overtook me; I had not traveled three days
before I relapsed into my fever, and died.

“I was now as cruelly disappointed by Minos as I had formerly been
happily so. I advanced with the utmost confidence to the gate, and
really imagined I should have been admitted by the wisdom of my
countenance, even without any questions asked: but this was not my case;
and, to my great surprise, Minos, with a menacing voice, called out to
me, ‘You Mr. there, with the grave countenance, whither so fast, pray?
Will you please, before you move any farther forwards, to give me a
short account of your transactions below?’ I then began, and recounted
to him my whole history, still expecting at the end of every period that
the gate would be ordered to fly open; but I was obliged to go quite
through with it, and then Minos after some little consideration spoke to
me as follows:--

“‘You, Mr. Wiseman, stand forth if you please. Believe me, sir, a trip
back again to earth will be one of the wisest steps you ever took,
and really more to the honor of your wisdom than any you have hitherto
taken. On the other side, nothing could be simpler than to endeavor at
Elysium; for who but a fool would carry a commodity, which is of such
infinite value in one place, into another where it is of none? But,
without attempting to offend your gravity with a jest, you must return
to the place from whence you came, for Elysium was never designed for
those who are too wise to be happy.’

“This sentence confounded me greatly, especially as it seemed to
threaten me with carrying my wisdom back again to earth. I told the
judge, though he would not admit me at the gate, I hoped I had committed
no crime while alive which merited my being wise any longer. He answered
me, I must take my chance as to that matter, and immediately we turned
our backs to each other.”




CHAPTER XVII

     Julian enters into the person of a king.

“I was now born at Oviedo in Spain. My father’s name was Veremond, and I
was adopted by my uncle king Alphonso the chaste.

“I don’t recollect in all the pilgrimages I have made on earth that I
ever passed a more miserable infancy than now; being under the utmost
confinement and restraint, and surrounded with physicians who were
ever dosing me, and tutors who were continually plaguing me with their
instructions; even those hours of leisure which my inclination would
have spent in play were allotted to tedious pomp and ceremony, which,
at an age wherein I had no ambition to enjoy the servility of courtiers,
enslaved me more than it could the meanest of them. However, as I
advanced towards manhood, my condition made me some amends; for the most
beautiful women of their own accord threw out lures for me, and I had
the happiness, which no man in an inferior degree can arrive at, of
enjoying the most delicious creatures, without the previous and
tiresome ceremonies of courtship, unless with the most simple, young and
unexperienced. As for the court ladies, they regarded me rather as men
do the most lovely of the other sex; and, though they outwardly retained
some appearance of modesty, they in reality rather considered themselves
as receiving than conferring favors.

“Another happiness I enjoyed was in conferring favors of another sort;
for, as I was extremely good-natured and generous, so I had daily
opportunities of satisfying those passions. Besides my own princely
allowance, which was very bountiful, and with which I did many liberal
and good actions, I recommended numberless persons of merit in distress
to the king’s notice, most of whom were provided for. Indeed, had I
sufficiently known my blessed situation at this time, I should have
grieved at nothing more than the death of Alphonso, by which the burden
of government devolved upon me; but, so blindly fond is ambition, and
such charms doth it fancy in the power and pomp and splendor of a
crown, that, though I vehemently loved that king, and had the greatest
obligations to him, the thoughts of succeeding him obliterated my regret
at his loss, and the wish for my approaching coronation dried my eyes at
his funeral.

“But my fondness for the name of king did not make me forgetful of those
over whom I was to reign. I considered them in the light in which a
tender father regards his children, as persons whose wellbeing God
had intrusted to my care; and again, in that in which a prudent lord
respects his tenants, as those on whose wealth and grandeur he is to
build his own. Both these considerations inspired me with the greatest
care for their welfare, and their good was my first and ultimate
concern.

“The usurper Mauregas had impiously obliged himself and his successors
to pay to the Moors every year an infamous tribute of an hundred young
virgins: from this cruel and scandalous imposition I resolved to relieve
my country. Accordingly, when their emperor Abderames the second had the
audaciousness to make this demand of me, instead of complying with it I
ordered his ambassadors to be driven away with all imaginable ignominy,
and would have condemned them to death, could I have done it without a
manifest violation of the law of nations.

“I now raised an immense army; at the levying of which I made a speech
from my throne, acquainting my subjects with the necessity and the
reasons of the war in which I was going to engage: which I convinced
them I had undertaken for their ease and safety, and not for satisfying
any wanton ambition, or revenging any private pique of my own. They all
declared unanimously that they would venture their lives and everything
dear to them in my defense, and in the support of the honor of my crown.
Accordingly, my levies were instantly complete, sufficient numbers
being only left to till the land; churchmen, even bishops themselves,
enlisting themselves under my banners.

“The armies met at Alvelda, where we were discomfited with immense loss,
and nothing but the lucky intervention of the night could have saved our
whole army.

“I retreated to the summit of a hill, where I abandoned myself to the
highest agonies of grief, not so much for the danger in which I then saw
my crown, as for the loss of those miserable wretches who had exposed
their lives at my command. I could not then avoid this reflection--that,
if the deaths of these people in a war undertaken absolutely for their
protection could give me such concern, what horror must I have felt if,
like princes greedy of dominion, I had sacrificed such numbers to my own
pride, vanity, and ridiculous lust of power.

“After having vented my sorrows for some time in this manner, I began
to consider by what means I might possibly endeavor to retrieve this
misfortune; when, reflecting on the great number of priests I had in
my army, and on the prodigious force of superstition, a thought luckily
suggested itself to me, to counterfeit that St. James had appeared to me
in a vision, and had promised me the victory. While I was ruminating on
this the bishop of Najara came opportunely to me. As I did not intend
to communicate the secret to him, I took another method, and, instead
of answering anything the bishop said to me, I pretended to talk to St.
James, as if he had been really present; till at length, after having
spoke those things which I thought sufficient, and thanked the saint
aloud for his promise of the victory, I turned about to the bishop, and,
embracing him with a pleased countenance, protested I did not know he
was present; and then, informing him of this supposed vision, I asked
him if he had not himself seen the saint? He answered me he had; and
afterwards proceeded to assure me that this appearance of St. James was
entirely owing to his prayers; for that he was his tutelar saint. He
added he had a vision of him a few hours before, when he promised him
a victory over the infidels, and acquainted him at the same time of the
vacancy of the see of Toledo. Now, this news being really true, though
it had happened so lately that I had not heard of it (nor, indeed, was
it well possible I should, considering the great distance of the way),
when I was afterwards acquainted with it, a little staggered me, though
far from being superstitious; till being informed that the bishop had
lost three horses on a late expedition, I was satisfied.

“The next morning, the bishop, at my desire, mounted the rostrum, and
trumpeted forth this vision so effectually, which he said he had that
evening twice seen with his own eyes, that a spirit began to be infused
through the whole army which rendered them superior to almost any force:
the bishop insisted that the least doubt of success was giving the lie
to the saint, and a damnable sin, and he took upon him in his name to
promise them victory.

“The army being drawn out, I soon experienced the effect of enthusiasm,
for, having contrived another stratagem [9] to strengthen what the
bishop had said, the soldiers fought more like furies than men. My
stratagem was this: I had about me a dexterous fellow, who had been
formerly a pimp in my amours. Him I dressed up in a strange antic dress,
with a pair of white colors in his right hand, a red cross in his left,
and having disguised him so that no one could know him, I placed him on
a white horse, and ordered him to ride to the head of the army, and cry
out, ‘Follow St. James!’ These words were reiterated by all the troops,
who attacked the enemy with such intrepidity, that, notwithstanding our
inferiority of numbers, we soon obtained a complete victory.

“The bishop was come up by the time that the enemy was routed, and,
acquainting us that he had met St. James by the way, and that he had
informed him of what had passed, he added that he had express orders
from the saint to receive a considerable sum for his use, and that a
certain tax on corn and wine should be settled on his church for ever;
and lastly, that a horseman’s pay should be allowed for the future
to the saint himself, of which he and his successors were appointed
receivers. The army received these demands with such acclamations that
I was obliged to comply with them, as I could by no means discover the
imposition, nor do I believe I should have gained any credit if I had.

“I had now done with the saint, but the bishop had not; for about a week
afterwards lights were seen in a wood near where the battle was fought;
and in a short time afterwards they discovered his tomb at the same
place. Upon this the bishop made me a visit, and forced me to go
thither, to build a church to him, and largely endow it. In a word, the
good man so plagued me with miracle after miracle, that I was forced to
make interest with the pope to convey him to Toledo, to get rid of him.

“But to proceed to other matters.--There was an inferior officer,
who had behaved very bravely in the battle against the Moors, and had
received several wounds, who solicited me for preferment; which I was
about to confer on him, when one of my ministers came to me in a fright,
and told me that he had promised the post I designed for this man to the
son of count Alderedo; and that the count, who was a powerful person,
would be greatly disobliged at the refusal, as he had sent for his son
from school to take possession of it. I was obliged to agree with my
minister’s reasons, and at the same time recommended the wounded soldier
to be preferred by him, which he faithfully promised he would; but I
met the poor wretch since in Elysium, who informed me he was afterwards
starved to death.

“None who hath not been himself a prince, nor any prince till his death,
can conceive the impositions daily put on them by their favorites and
ministers; so that princes are often blamed for the faults of others.
The count of Saldagne had been long confined in prison, when his son, D.
Bernard del Carpio, who had performed the greatest actions against
the Moors, entreated me, as a reward for his service, to grant him his
father’s liberty. The old man’s punishment had been so tedious, and
the services of the young one so singularly eminent, that I was very
inclinable to grant the request; but my ministers strongly opposed it;
they told me my glory demanded revenge for the dishonor offered to my
family; that so positive a demand carried with it rather the air of
menace than entreaty; that the vain detail of his services, and the
recompense due to them, was an injurious reproach; that to grant what
had been so haughtily demanded would argue in the monarch both weakness
and timidity; in a word, that to remit the punishment inflicted by my
predecessors would be to condemn their judgment. Lastly, one told me in
a whisper, ‘His whole family are enemies to your house.’ By these means
the ministers prevailed. The young lord took the refusal so ill, that he
retired from court, and abandoned himself to despair, whilst the old one
languished in prison. By which means, as I have since discovered, I lost
the use of two of my best subjects.

“To confess the truth, I had, by means of my ministers, conceived a very
unjust opinion of my whole people, whom I fancied to be daily conspiring
against me, and to entertain the most disloyal thoughts, when, in
reality (as I have known since my death), they held me in universal
respect and esteem. This is a trick, I believe, too often played with
sovereigns, who, by such means, are prevented from that open intercourse
with their subjects which, as it would greatly endear the person of the
prince to the people, so might it often prove dangerous to a minister
who was consulting his own interest only at the expense of both. I
believe I have now recounted to you the most material passages of my
life; for I assure you there are some incidents in the lives of kings
not extremely worth relating. Everything which passes in their minds
and families is not attended with the splendor which surrounds their
throne--indeed, there are some hours wherein the naked king and the
naked cobbler can scarce be distinguished from each other.

“Had it not been, however, for my ingratitude to Bernard del Carpio, I
believe this would have been my last pilgrimage on earth; for, as to the
story of St. James, I thought Minos would have burst his sides at it;
but he was so displeased with me on the other account, that, with a
frown, he cried out, ‘Get thee back again, king.’ Nor would he suffer me
to say another word.”




CHAPTER XVIII

     Julian passes into a fool.

“The next visit I made to the world was performed in France, where I
was born in the court of Lewis III, and had afterwards the honor to be
preferred to be fool to the prince, who was surnamed Charles the Simple.
But, in reality, I know not whether I might so properly be said to have
acted the fool in his court as to have made fools of all others in it.
Certain it is, I was very far from being what is generally understood by
that word, being a most cunning, designing, arch knave. I knew very well
the folly of my master, and of many others, and how to make my advantage
of this knowledge.

“I was as dear to Charles the Simple as the player Paris was to
Domitian, and, like him, bestowed all manner of offices and honors
on whom I pleased. This drew me a great number of followers among
the courtiers, who really mistook me for a fool, and yet flattered my
understanding. There was particularly in the court a fellow who had
neither honor, honesty, sense, wit, courage, beauty, nor indeed any one
good quality, either of mind or body, to recommend him; but was at the
same time, perhaps, as cunning a monster as ever lived. This gentleman
took it into his head to list under my banner, and pursued me so very
assiduously with flattery, constantly reminding me of my good sense,
that I grew immoderately fond of him; for though flattery is not most
judiciously applied to qualities which the persons flattered possess,
yet as, notwithstanding my being well assured of my own parts, I passed
in the whole court for a fool, this flattery was a very sweet morsel to
me. I therefore got this fellow preferred to a bishopric, but I lost my
flatterer by it; for he never afterwards said a civil thing to me.

“I never balked my imagination for the grossness of the reflection on
the character of the greatest noble--nay, even the king himself; of
which I will give you a very bold instance. One day his simple majesty
told me he believed I had so much power that his people looked on me as
the king, and himself as my fool.

“At this I pretended to be angry, as with an affront. ‘Why, how now?’
says the king; ‘are you ashamed of being a king?’ ‘No, sir,’ says I,
‘but I am devilishly ashamed of my fool.’

“Herbert, earl of Vermandois, had by my means been restored to the favor
of the Simple (for so I used always to call Charles). He afterwards
prevailed with the king to take the city of Arras from earl Baldwin, by
which means, Herbert, in exchange for this city, had Peronne restored
to him by count Altmar. Baldwin came to court in order to procure
the restoration of his city; but, either through pride or ignorance,
neglected to apply to me. As I met him at court during his solicitation,
I told him he did not apply the right way; he answered roughly he should
not ask a fool’s advice. I replied I did not wonder at his prejudice,
since he had miscarried already by following a fool’s advice; but I told
him there were fools who had more interest than that he had brought with
him to court. He answered me surlily he had no fool with him, for that
he traveled alone. ‘Ay, my lord,’ says I, ‘I often travel alone, and yet
they will have it I always carry a fool with me.’ This raised a laugh
among the by-standers, on which he gave me a blow. I immediately
complained of this usage to the Simple, who dismissed the earl from
court with very hard words, instead of granting him the favor he
solicited.

“I give you these rather as a specimen of my interest and impudence than
of my wit--indeed, my jests were commonly more admired than they ought
to be; for perhaps I was not in reality much more a wit than a fool.
But, with the latitude of unbounded scurrility, it is easy enough
to attain the character of wit, especially in a court, where, as all
persons hate and envy one another heartily, and are at the same time
obliged by the constrained behavior of civility to profess the greatest
liking, so it is, and must be, wonderfully pleasant to them to see the
follies of their acquaintance exposed by a third person. Besides, the
opinion of the court is as uniform as the fashion, and is always
guided by the will of the prince or of the favorite. I doubt not that
Caligula’s horse was universally held in his court to be a good and
able consul. In the same manner was I universally acknowledged to be the
wittiest fool in the world. Every word I said raised laughter, and
was held to be a jest, especially by the ladies, who sometimes laughed
before I had discovered my sentiment, and often repeated that as a jest
which I did not even intend as one.

“I was as severe on the ladies as on the men, and with the same
impunity; but this at last cost me dear: for once having joked on the
beauty of a lady whose name was Adelaide, a favorite of the Simple’s,
she pretended to smile and be pleased at my wit with the rest of the
company; but in reality she highly resented it, and endeavored to
undermine me with the king. In which she so greatly succeeded (for what
cannot a favorite woman do with one who deserves the surname of Simple?)
that the king grew every day more reserved to me, and when I attempted
any freedom gave me such marks of his displeasure, that the courtiers
who have all hawks’ eyes at a slight from the sovereign, soon discerned
it: and indeed, had I been blind enough not to have discovered that I
had lost ground in the Simple’s favor by his own change in his carriage
towards me, I must have found it, nay even felt it, in the behavior of
the courtiers: for, as my company was two days before solicited with the
utmost eagerness, it was now rejected with as much scorn. I was now the
jest of the ushers and pages; and an officer of the guards, on whom I
was a little jocose, gave me a box on the ear, bidding me make free with
my equals. This very fellow had been my butt for many years, without
daring to lift his hand against me.

“But though I visibly perceived the alteration in the Simple, I was
utterly unable to make any guess at the occasion. I had not the least
suspicion of Adelaide; for, besides her being a very good-humored woman,
I had often made severe jests on her reputation, which I had all the
reason imaginable to believe had given her no offense. But I soon
perceived that a woman will bear the most bitter censures on her morals
easier than the smallest reflection on her beauty; for she now declared
publicly, that I ought to be dismissed from court, as the stupidest of
fools, and one in whom there was no diversion; and that she wondered how
any person could have so little taste as to imagine I had any wit.
This speech was echoed through the drawing-room, and agreed to by all
present. Every one now put on an unusual gravity on their countenance
whenever I spoke; and it was as much out of my power to raise a laugh as
formerly it had been for me to open my mouth without one.

“While my affairs were in this posture I went one day into the circle
without my fool’s dress. The Simple, who would still speak to me, cried
out, ‘So, fool, what’s the matter now?’ ‘Sir,’ answered I, ‘fools are
like to be so common a commodity at court, that I am weary of my coat.’
‘How dost thou mean?’ answered the Simple; ‘what can make them commoner
now than usual?’--‘O, sir,’ said I, ‘there are ladies here make your
majesty a fool every day of their lives.’ The Simple took no notice
of my jest, and several present said my bones ought to be broke for my
impudence; but it pleased the queen, who, knowing Adelaide, whom she
hated, to be the cause of my disgrace, obtained me of the king, and took
me into her service; so that I was henceforth called the queen’s fool,
and in her court received the same honor, and had as much wit, as I had
formerly had in the king’s. But as the queen had really no power
unless over her own domestics, I was not treated in general with that
complacence, nor did I receive those bribes and presents, which had once
fallen to my share.

“Nor did this confined respect continue long: for the queen, who had in
fact no taste for humor, soon grew sick of my foolery, and, forgetting
the cause for which she had taken me, neglected me so much, that her
court grew intolerable to my temper, and I broke my heart and died.

“Minos laughed heartily at several things in my story, and then, telling
me no one played the fool in Elysium, bid me go back again.”




CHAPTER XIX

     Julian appears in the character of a beggar.

“I now returned to Rome, and was born into a very poor and numerous
family, which, to be honest with you, procured its livelihood by
begging. This, if you was never yourself of the calling, you do not
know, I suppose, to be as regular a trade as any other; to have its
several rules and secrets, or mysteries, which to learn require perhaps
as tedious an apprenticeship as those of any craft whatever.

“The first thing we are taught is the countenance miserable. This indeed
nature makes much easier to some than others; but there are none who
cannot accomplish it, if they begin early enough in youth, and before
the muscles are grown too stubborn.

“The second thing is the voice lamentable. In this qualification too,
nature must have her share in producing the most consummate excellence:
however, art will here, as in every other instance, go a great way
with industry and application, even without the assistance of genius,
especially if the student begins young.

“There are many other instructions, but these are the most considerable.
The women are taught one practice more than the men, for they are
instructed in the art of crying, that is, to have their tears ready on
all occasions: but this is attained very easily by most. Some indeed
arrive at the utmost perfection in this art with incredible facility.

“No profession requires a deeper insight into human nature than the
beggar’s. Their knowledge of the passions of men is so extensive, that
I have often thought it would be of no little service to a politician
to have his education among them. Nay, there is a much greater analogy
between these two characters than is imagined; for both concur in their
first and grand principle, it being equally their business to delude and
impose on mankind. It must be confessed that they differ widely in the
degree of advantage which they make by their deceit; for, whereas the
beggar is contented with a little, the politician leaves but a little
behind.

“A very great English philosopher hath remarked our policy, in taking
care never to address any one with a title inferior to what he really
claims. My father was of the same opinion; for I remember when I was a
boy, the pope happening to pass by, I tended him with ‘Pray, sir;’ ‘For
God’s sake, sir;’ ‘For the Lord’s sake, sir;’--To which he answered
gravely, ‘Sirrah, sirrah, you ought to be whipped for taking the Lord’s
name in vain;’ and in vain it was indeed, for he gave me nothing. My
father, overhearing this, took his advice, and whipped me very severely.
While I was under correction I promised often never to take the Lord’s
name in vain any more. My father then said, ‘Child, I do not whip you
for taking his name in vain; I whip you for not calling the pope his
holiness.’

“If all men were so wise and good to follow the clergy’s example, the
nuisance of beggars would soon be removed. I do not remember to have
been above twice relieved by them during my whole state of beggary. Once
was by a very well-looking man, who gave me a small piece of silver, and
declared he had given me more than he had left himself; the other was
by a spruce young fellow, who had that very day first put on his robes,
whom I attended with ‘Pray, reverend sir, good reverend sir, consider
your cloth.’ He answered, ‘I do, child, consider my office, and I hope
all our cloth do the same.’ He then threw down some money, and strutted
off with great dignity.

“With the women I had one general formulary: ‘Sweet pretty lady,’ ‘God
bless your ladyship,’ ‘God bless your handsome face.’ This generally
succeeded; but I observed the uglier the woman was, the surer I was of
success.

“It was a constant maxim among us, that the greater retinue any one
traveled with the less expectation we might promise ourselves from them;
but whenever we saw a vehicle with a single or no servant we imagined
our booty sure, and were seldom deceived.

“We observed great difference introduced by time and circumstance in the
same person; for instance, a losing gamester is sometimes generous, but
from a winner you will as easily obtain his soul as a single groat. A
lawyer traveling from his country seat to his clients at Rome, and a
physician going to visit a patient, were always worth asking; but the
same on their return were (according to our cant phrase) untouchable.

“The most general, and indeed the truest, maxim among us was, that those
who possessed the least were always the readiest to give. The chief art
of a beggar-man is, therefore, to discern the rich from the poor, which,
though it be only distinguishing substance from shadow, is by no
means attainable without a pretty good capacity and a vast degree of
attention; for these two are eternally industrious in endeavoring to
counterfeit each other. In this deceit the poor man is more heartily
in earnest to deceive you than the rich, who, amidst all the emblems
of poverty which he puts on, still permits some mark of his wealth to
strike the eye. Thus, while his apparel is not worth a groat, his finger
wears a ring of value, or his pocket a gold watch. In a word, he seems
rather to affect poverty to insult than impose on you. Now the poor man,
on the contrary, is very sincere in his desire of passing for rich; but
the eagerness of this desire hurries him to over-act his part, and he
betrays himself as one who is drunk by his overacted sobriety. Thus,
instead of being attended by one servant well mounted, he will have two;
and, not being able to purchase or maintain a second horse of value,
one of his servants at least is mounted on a hired rascallion. He is
not contented to go plain and neat in his clothes; he therefore claps on
some tawdry ornament, and what he adds to the fineness of his vestment
he detracts from the fineness of his linen. Without descending into more
minute particulars, I believe I may assert it as an axiom of indubitable
truth, that whoever shows you he is either in himself or his equipage
as gaudy as he can, convinces you he is more so than he can afford. Now,
whenever a man’s expense exceeds his income, he is indifferent in the
degree; we had therefore nothing more to do with such than to flatter
them with their wealth and splendor, and were always certain of success.

“There is, indeed, one kind of rich man who is commonly more liberal,
namely, where riches surprise him, as it were, in the midst of poverty
and distress, the consequence of which is, I own, sometimes excessive
avarice, but oftener extreme prodigality. I remember one of these who,
having received a pretty large sum of money, gave me, when I begged
an obolus, a whole talent; on which his friend having reproved him, he
answered, with an oath, ‘Why not? Have I not fifty left?’

“The life of a beggar, if men estimated things by their real essence,
and not by their outward false appearance, would be, perhaps, a more
desirable situation than any of those which ambition persuades us, with
such difficulty, danger, and often villainy, to aspire to. The wants of
a beggar are commonly as chimerical as the abundance of a nobleman;
for besides vanity, which a judicious beggar will always apply to with
wonderful efficacy, there are in reality very few natures so hardened as
not to compassionate poverty and distress, when the predominancy of some
other passion doth not prevent them.

“There is one happiness which attends money got with ease, namely, that
it is never hoarded; otherwise, as we have frequent opportunities of
growing rich, that canker care might prey upon our quiet, as it doth on
others; but our money stock we spend as fast as we acquire it; usually
at least, for I speak not without exception; thus it gives us mirth
only, and no trouble. Indeed, the luxury of our lives might introduce
diseases, did not our daily exercise prevent them. This gives us an
appetite and relish for our dainties, and at the same time an antidote
against the evil effects which sloth, united with luxury, induces on the
habit of a human body. Our women we enjoy with ecstasies at least equal
to what the greatest men feel in their embraces. I can, I am assured,
say of myself, that no mortal could reap more perfect happiness from
the tender passion than my fortune had decreed me. I married a charming
young woman for love; she was the daughter of a neighboring beggar, who,
with an improvidence too often seen, spent a very large income which he
procured by his profession, so that he was able to give her no
fortune down; however, at his death he left her a very well accustomed
begging-hut, situated on the side of a steep hill, where travelers
could not immediately escape from us, and a garden adjoining, being the
twenty-eighth part of an acre, well planted.

“She made the best of wives, bore me nineteen children, and never failed,
unless on her lying-in, which generally lasted three days, to get
my supper ready against my return home in an evening; this being my
favorite meal, and at which I, as well as my whole family, greatly
enjoyed ourselves; the principal subject of our discourse being
generally the boons we had that day obtained, on which occasions,
laughing at the folly of the donors made no inconsiderable part of
the entertainment; for, whatever might be their motive for giving, we
constantly imputed our success to our having flattered their vanity, or
overreached their understanding.

“But perhaps I have dwelt too long on this character; I shall conclude,
therefore, with telling you that after a life of 102 years’ continuance,
during all which I had never known any sickness or infirmity but that
which old age necessarily induced, I at last, without the least pain,
went out like the snuff of a candle.

“Minos, having heard my history, bid me compute, if I could, how
many lies I had told in my life. As we are here, by a certain fated
necessity, obliged to confine ourselves to truth, I answered, I believed
about 50,000,000. He then replied, with a frown, ‘Can such a wretch
conceive any hopes of entering Elysium?’ I immediately turned about,
and, upon the whole, was rejoiced at his not calling me back.”




CHAPTER XX

     Julian performs the part of a statesman.

“It was now my fortune to be born of a German princess; but a
man-midwife, pulling my head off in delivering my mother, put a speedy
end to my princely life.

“Spirits who end their lives before they are at the age of five years
are immediately ordered into other bodies; and it was now my fortune
to perform several infancies before I could again entitle myself to an
examination of Minos.

“At length I was destined once more to play a considerable part on the
stage. I was born in England, in the reign of Ethelred II. My father’s
name was Ulnoth: he was earl or thane of Sussex. I was afterwards known
by the name of earl Goodwin, and began to make a considerable figure
in the world in the time of Harold Harefoot, whom I procured to be made
king of Wessex, or the West Saxons, in prejudice of Hardicanute, whose
mother Emma endeavored afterwards to set another of her sons on the
throne; but I circumvented her, and, communicating her design to the
king, at the same time acquainted him with a project which I had formed
for the murder of these two young princes. Emma had sent for these her
sons from Normandy, with the king’s leave, whom she had deceived by her
religious behavior, and pretended neglect of all worldly affairs; but I
prevailed with Harold to invite these princes to his court, and put
them to death. The prudent mother sent only Alfred, retaining Edward
to herself, as she suspected my ill designs, and thought I should not
venture to execute them on one of her sons, while she secured the other;
but she was deceived, for I had no sooner Alfred in my possession than
I caused him to be conducted to Ely, where I ordered his eyes to be put
out, and afterwards to be confined in a monastery.

“This was one of those cruel expedients which great men satisfy
themselves well in executing, by concluding them to be necessary to the
service of their prince, who is the support of their ambition.

“Edward, the other son of Emma, escaped again to Normandy; whence, after
the death of Harold and Hardicanute, he made no scruple of applying to
my protection and favor, though he had before prosecuted me with all the
vengeance he was able, for the murder of his brother; but in all great
affairs private relation must yield to public interest. Having therefore
concluded very advantageous terms for myself with him, I made no scruple
of patronizing his cause, and soon placed him on the throne. Nor did I
conceive the least apprehension from his resentment, as I knew my power
was too great for him to encounter.

“Among other stipulated conditions, one was to marry my daughter Editha.
This Edward consented to with great reluctance, and I had afterwards
no reason to be pleased with it; for it raised her, who had been my
favorite child, to such an opinion of greatness, that, instead of paying
me the usual respect, she frequently threw in my teeth (as often at
least as I gave her any admonition), that she was now a queen, and
that the character and title of father merged in that of subject. This
behavior, however, did not cure me of my affection towards her, nor
lessen the uneasiness which I afterwards bore on Edward’s dismissing her
from his bed.

“One thing which principally induced me to labor the promotion of Edward
was the simplicity or weakness of that prince, under whom I promised
myself absolute dominion under another name. Nor did this opinion
deceive me; for, during his whole reign, my administration was in the
highest degree despotic: I had everything of royalty but the outward
ensigns; no man ever applying for a place, or any kind of preferment,
but to me only. A circumstance which, as it greatly enriched my coffers,
so it no less pampered my ambition, and satisfied my vanity with a
numerous attendance; and I had the pleasure of seeing those who only
bowed to the king prostrating themselves before me.

“Edward the Confessor, or St. Edward, as some have called him, in
derision I suppose, being a very silly fellow, had all the faults
incident, and almost inseparable, to fools. He married my daughter
Editha from his fear of disobliging me; and afterwards, out of hatred to
me, refused even to consummate his marriage, though she was one of the
most beautiful women of her age. He was likewise guilty of the basest
ingratitude to his mother (a vice to which fools are chiefly, if not
only, liable); and, in return for her endeavors to procure him a throne
in his youth, confined her in a loathsome prison in her old age.
This, it is true, he did by my advice; but as to her walking over nine
plowshares red-hot, and giving nine manors, when she had not one in her
possession, there is not a syllable of veracity in it.

“The first great perplexity I fell into was on the account of my son
Swane, who had deflowered the abbess of Leon, since called Leominster,
in Herefordshire. After this fact he retired into Denmark, whence he
sent to me to obtain his pardon. The king at first refused it, being
moved thereto, as I afterwards found, by some churchmen, particularly by
one of his chaplains, whom I had prevented from obtaining a bishopric.
Upon this my son Swane invaded the coasts with several ships, and
committed many outrageous cruelties; which, indeed, did his business, as
they served me to apply to the fear of this king, which I had long
since discovered to be his predominant passion. And, at last, he who had
refused pardon to his first offense submitted to give it him after he
had committed many other more monstrous crimes; by which his pardon lost
all grace to the offended, and received double censure from all others.

“The king was greatly inclined to the Normans, had created a Norman
archbishop of Canterbury, and had heaped extraordinary favors on him.
I had no other objection to this man than that he rose without my
assistance; a cause of dislike which, in the reign of great and powerful
favorites, hath often proved fatal to the persons who have given it,
as the persons thus raised inspire us constantly with jealousies and
apprehensions. For when we promote any one ourselves, we take effectual
care to preserve such an ascendant over him, that we can at any time
reduce him to his former degree, should he dare to act in opposition to
our wills; for which reason we never suffer any to come near the
prince but such as we are assured it is impossible should be capable of
engaging or improving his affection; no prime minister, as I apprehend,
esteeming himself to be safe while any other shares the ear of his
prince, of whom we are as jealous as the fondest husband can be of his
wife. Whoever, therefore, can approach him by any other channel than
that of ourselves, is, in our opinion, a declared enemy, and one whom
the first principles of policy oblige us to demolish with the utmost
expedition. For the affection of kings is as precarious as that of
women, and the only way to secure either to ourselves is to keep all
others from them.

“But the archbishop did not let matters rest on suspicion. He soon gave
open proofs of his interest with the Confessor in procuring an office
of some importance for one Rollo, a Roman of mean extraction and very
despicable parts. When I represented to the king the indecency of
conferring such an honor on such a fellow, he answered me that he was
the archbishop’s relation. ‘Then, sir,’ replied I, ‘he is related to
your enemy.’ Nothing more passed at that time; but I soon perceived,
by the archbishop’s behavior, that the king had acquainted him with our
private discourse; a sufficient assurance of his confidence in him and
neglect of me.

“The favor of princes, when once lost, is recoverable only by the
gaining a situation which may make you terrible to them. As I had no
doubt of having lost all credit with this king, which indeed had been
originally founded and constantly supported by his fear, so I took the
method of terror to regain it.

“The earl of Boulogne coming over to visit the king gave me an
opportunity of breaking out into open opposition; for, as the earl was
on his return to France, one of his servants, who was sent before to
procure lodgings at Dover, and insisted on having them in the house of a
private man in spite of the owner’s teeth, was, in a fray which ensued,
killed on the spot; and the earl himself, arriving there soon after,
very narrowly escaped with his life. The earl, enraged at this affront,
returned to the king at Gloucester with loud complaints and demands
of satisfaction. Edward consented to his demands, and ordered me to
chastise the rioters, who were under my government as earl of Kent: but,
instead of obeying these orders, I answered, with some warmth, that the
English were not used to punish people unheard, nor ought their
rights and privileges to be violated; that the accused should be first
summoned--if guilty, should make satisfaction both with body and estate,
but, if innocent, should be discharged. Adding, with great ferocity,
that as earl of Kent it was my duty to protect those under my government
against the insults of foreigners.

“This accident was extremely lucky, as it gave my quarrel with the king
a popular color, and so ingratiated me with the people, that when I
set up my standard, which I soon after did, they readily and cheerfully
listed under my banners and embraced my cause, which I persuaded them
was their own; for that it was to protect them against foreigners that
I had drawn my sword. The word foreigners with an Englishman hath a kind
of magical effect, they having the utmost hatred and aversion to them,
arising from the cruelties they suffered from the Danes and some other
foreign nations. No wonder therefore they espoused my cause in a quarrel
which had such a beginning.

“But what may be somewhat more remarkable is, that when I afterwards
returned to England from banishment, and was at the head of an army of
the Flemish, who were preparing to plunder the city of London, I still
persisted that I was come to defend the English from the danger of
foreigners, and gained their credit. Indeed, there is no lie so gross
but it may be imposed on the people by those whom they esteem their
patrons and defenders.

“The king saved his city by being reconciled to me, and taking again my
daughter, whom he had put away from him; and thus, having frightened
the king into what concessions I thought proper, I dismissed my army and
fleet, with which I intended, could I not have succeeded otherwise, to
have sacked the city of London and ravaged the whole country.

“I was no sooner re-established in the king’s favor, or, what was
as well for me, the appearance of it, than I fell violently on the
archbishop. He had of himself retired to his monastery in Normandy; but
that did not content me: I had him formally banished, the see declared
vacant, and then filled up by another.

“I enjoyed my grandeur a very short time after my restoration to it; for
the king, hating and fearing me to a very great degree, and finding no
means of openly destroying me, at last effected his purpose by poison,
and then spread abroad a ridiculous story, of my wishing the next
morsel might choke me if I had had any hand in the death of Alfred; and,
accordingly, that the next morsel, by a divine judgment, stuck in my
throat and performed that office.

“This of a statesman was one of my worst stages in the other world. It
is a post subjected daily to the greatest danger and inquietude, and
attended with little pleasure and less ease. In a word, it is a pill
which, was it not gilded over by ambition, would appear nauseous and
detestable in the eye of every one; and perhaps that is one reason why
Minos so greatly compassionates the case of those who swallow it: for
that just judge told me he always acquitted a prime minister who could
produce one single good action in his whole life, let him have committed
ever so many crimes. Indeed, I understood him a little too largely,
and was stepping towards the gate; but he pulled me by the sleeve, and,
telling me no prime minister ever entered there, bid me go back again;
saying, he thought I had sufficient reason to rejoice in my escaping
the bottomless pit, which half my crimes committed in any other capacity
would have entitled me to.”




CHAPTER XXI

     Julian’s adventures in the post of a soldier.

“I was born at Caen, in Normandy. My mother’s name was Matilda; as for
my father, I am not so certain, for the good woman on her death-bed
assured me she herself could bring her guess to no greater certainty
than to five of duke William’s captains. When I was no more than
thirteen (being indeed a surprising stout boy of my age) I enlisted into
the army of duke William, afterwards known by the name of William the
Conqueror, landed with him at Pemesey or Pemsey, in Sussex, and was
present at the famous battle of Hastings.

“At the first onset it was impossible to describe my consternation,
which was heightened by the fall of two soldiers who stood by me; but
this soon abated, and by degrees, as my blood grew warm, I thought no
more of my own safety, but fell on the enemy with great fury, and did a
good deal of execution; till, unhappily, I received a wound in my thigh,
which rendered me unable to stand any longer, so that I now lay among
the dead, and was constantly exposed to the danger of being trampled to
death, as well by my fellow-soldiers as by the enemy. However, I had the
fortune to escape it, and continued the remaining part of the day and
the night following on the ground.

“The next morning, the duke sending out parties to bring off the
wounded, I was found almost expiring with loss of blood; notwithstanding
which, as immediate care was taken to dress my wounds, youth and a
robust constitution stood my friends, and I recovered after a long and
tedious indisposition, and was again able to use my limbs and do my
duty.

“As soon as Dover was taken I was conveyed thither with all the rest of
the sick and wounded. Here I recovered of my wound; but fell afterwards
into a violent flux, which, when it departed, left me so weak that it
was long before I could regain my strength. And what most afflicted me
was, that during my whole illness, when I languished under want as well
as sickness, I had daily the mortification to see and hear the riots
and excess of my fellow-soldiers, who had happily escaped safe from the
battle.

“I was no sooner well than I was ordered into garrison at Dover Castle.
The officers here fared very indifferently, but the private men much
worse. We had great scarcity of provisions, and, what was yet more
intolerable, were so closely confined for want of room (four of us being
obliged to lie on the same bundle of straw), that many died, and most
sickened.

“Here I had remained about four months, when one night we were alarmed
with the arrival of the earl of Boulogne, who had come over privily
from France, and endeavored to surprise the castle. The design proved
ineffectual; for the garrison making a brisk sally, most of his men
were tumbled down the precipice, and he returned with a very few back to
France. In this action, however, I had the misfortune to come off with a
broken arm; it was so shattered, that, besides a great deal of pain and
misery which I endured in my cure, I was disabled for upwards of three
months.

“Soon after my recovery I had contracted an amour with a young
woman whose parents lived near the garrison, and were in much better
circumstances than I had reason to expect should give their consent to
the match. However, as she was extremely fond of me (as I was indeed
distractedly enamored of her), they were prevailed on to comply with her
desires, and the day was fixed for our marriage.

“On the evening preceding, while I was exulting with the eager
expectation of the happiness I was the next day to enjoy, I received
orders to march early in the morning towards Windsor, where a large army
was to be formed, at the head of which the king intended to march into
the west. Any person who hath ever been in love may easily imagine what
I felt in my mind on receiving those orders; and what still heightened
my torments was, that the commanding officer would not permit any one
to go out of the garrison that evening; so that I had not even an
opportunity of taking leave of my beloved.

“The morning came which was to have put me in the possession of my
wishes; but, alas! the scene was now changed, and all the hopes which I
had raised were now so many ghosts to haunt, and furies to torment me.

“It was now the midst of winter, and very severe weather for the season;
when we were obliged to make very long and fatiguing marches, in which
we suffered all the inconveniences of cold and hunger. The night in
which I expected to riot in the arms of my beloved mistress I was
obliged to take up with a lodging on the ground, exposed to the
inclemencies of a rigid frost; nor could I obtain the least comfort of
sleep, which shunned me as its enemy.

“In short, the horrors of that night are not to be described, or perhaps
imagined. They made such an impression on my soul, that I was forced to
be dipped three times in the river Lethe to prevent my remembering it in
the characters which I afterwards performed in the flesh.”

Here I interrupted Julian for the first time, and told him no such
dipping had happened to me in my voyage from one world to the other:
but he satisfied me by saying “that this only happened to those spirits
which returned into the flesh, in order to prevent that reminiscence
which Plato mentions, and which would otherwise cause great confusion in
the other world.”

He then proceeded as follows: “We continued a very laborious march to
Exeter, which we were ordered to besiege. The town soon surrendered, and
his majesty built a castle there, which he garrisoned with his Normans,
and unhappily I had the misfortune to be one of the number.

“Here we were confined closer than I had been at Dover; for, as the
citizens were extremely disaffected, we were never suffered to go
without the walls of the castle; nor indeed could we, unless in large
bodies, without the utmost danger. We were likewise kept to continual
duty, nor could any solicitations prevail with the commanding officer
to give me a month’s absence to visit my love, from whom I had no
opportunity of hearing in all my long absence.

“However, in the spring, the people being more quiet, and another
officer of a gentler temper succeeding to the principal command, I
obtained leave to go to Dover; but alas! what comfort did my long
journey bring me? I found the parents of my darling in the utmost misery
at her loss; for she had died, about a week before my arrival, of a
consumption, which they imputed to her pining at my sudden departure.

“I now fell into the most violent and almost raving fit of despair. I
cursed myself, the king, and the whole world, which no longer seemed
to have any delight for me. I threw myself on the grave of my deceased
love, and lay there without any kind of sustenance for two whole days.
At last hunger, together with the persuasions of some people who took
pity on me, prevailed with me to quit that situation, and refresh myself
with food. They then persuaded me to return to my post, and abandon a
place where almost every object I saw recalled ideas to my mind which,
as they said, I should endeavor with my utmost force to expel from it.
This advice at length succeeded; the rather, as the father and mother of
my beloved refused to see me, looking on me as the innocent but certain
cause of the death of their only child.

“The loss of one we tenderly love, as it is one of the most bitter and
biting evils which attend human life, so it wants the lenitive which
palliates and softens every other calamity; I mean that great reliever,
hope. No man can be so totally undone, but that he may still cherish
expectation: but this deprives us of all such comfort, nor can anything
but time alone lessen it. This, however, in most minds, is sure to
work a slow but effectual remedy; so did it in mine: for within a
twelve-month I was entirely reconciled to my fortune, and soon after
absolutely forgot the object of a passion from which I had promised
myself such extreme happiness, and in the disappointment of which I had
experienced such inconceivable misery.

“At the expiration of the month I returned to my garrison at Exeter;
where I was no sooner arrived than I was ordered to march into the
north, to oppose a force there levied by the earls of Chester and
Northumberland. We came to York, where his majesty pardoned the heads of
the rebels, and very severely punished some who were less guilty. It was
particularly my lot to be ordered to seize a poor man who had never been
out of his house, and convey him to prison. I detested this barbarity,
yet was obliged to execute it; nay, though no reward would have bribed
me in a private capacity to have acted such a part, yet so much sanctity
is there in the commands of a monarch or general to a soldier, that
I performed it without reluctance, nor had the tears of his wife and
family any prevalence with me.

“But this, which was a very small piece of mischief in comparison with
many of my barbarities afterwards, was however, the only one which
ever gave me any uneasiness; for when the king led us afterwards into
Northumberland to revenge those people’s having joined with Osborne the
Dane in his invasion, and orders were given us to commit what ravages
we could, I was forward in fulfilling them, and, among some lesser
cruelties (I remember it yet with sorrow), I ravished a woman, murdered
a little infant playing in her lap, and then burned her house. In short,
for I have no pleasure in this part of my relation, I had my share
in all the cruelties exercised on those poor wretches; which were so
grievous, that for sixty miles together, between York and Durham, not a
single house, church, or any other public or private edifice, was left
standing.

“We had pretty well devoured the country, when we were ordered to march
to the Isle of Ely, to oppose Hereward, a bold and stout soldier, who
had under him a very large body of rebels, who had the impudence to rise
against their king and conqueror (I talk now in the same style I did
then) in defense of their liberties, as they called them. These were
soon subdued; but as I happened (more to my glory than my comfort) to
be posted in that part through which Hereward cut his way, I received
a dreadful cut on the forehead, a second on the shoulder, and was run
through the body with a pike.

“I languished a long time with these wounds, which made me incapable of
attending the king into Scotland. However, I was able to go over with
him afterwards into Normandy, in his expedition against Philip, who
had taken the opportunity of the troubles in England to invade that
province. Those few Normans who bad survived their wounds, and had
remained in the Isle of Ely, were all of our nation who went, the rest
of his army being all composed of English. In a skirmish near the town
of Mans my leg was broke and so shattered that it was forced to be cut
off.

“I was now disabled from serving longer in the army; and accordingly,
being discharged from the service, I retired to the place of my
nativity, where, in extreme poverty, and frequent bad health from the
many wounds I had received, I dragged on a miserable life to the age of
sixty-three; my only pleasure being to recount the feats of my youth, in
which narratives I generally exceeded the truth.

“It would be tedious and unpleasant to recount to you the several
miseries I suffered after my return to Caen; let it suffice, they
were so terrible that they induced Minos to compassionate me, and,
notwithstanding the barbarities I had been guilty of in Northumberland,
to suffer me to go once more back to earth.”




CHAPTER XXII

     What happened to Julian in the person of a tailor.

“Fortune now stationed me in a character which the ingratitude of
mankind hath put them on ridiculing, though they owe to it not only a
relief from the inclemencies of cold, to which they would otherwise be
exposed, but likewise a considerable satisfaction of their vanity. The
character I mean was that of a tailor; which, if we consider it with due
attention, must be confessed to have in it great dignity and importance.
For, in reality, who constitutes the different degrees between men but
the tailor? the prince indeed gives the title, but it is the tailor who
makes the man. To his labors are owing the respect of crowds, and the
awe which great men inspire into their beholders, though these are too
often unjustly attributed to other motives. Lastly, the admiration of
the fair is most commonly to be placed to his account.

“I was just set up in my trade when I made three suits of fine clothes
for king Stephen’s coronation. I question whether the person who wears
the rich coat hath so much pleasure and vanity in being admired in it,
as we tailors have from that admiration; and perhaps a philosopher
would say he is not so well entitled to it. I bustled on the day of the
ceremony through the crowd, and it was with incredible delight I heard
several say, as my clothes walked by, ‘Bless me, was ever anything so
fine as the earl of Devonshire? Sure he and Sir Hugh Bigot are the two
best dressed men I ever saw.’ Now both those suits were of my making.

“There would indeed be infinite pleasure in working for the courtiers,
as they are generally genteel men, and show one’s clothes to the best
advantage, was it not for one small discouragement; this is, that they
never pay. I solemnly protest, though I lost almost as much by the court
in my life as I got by the city, I never carried a suit into the latter
with half the satisfaction which I have done to the former; though from
that I was certain of ready money, and from this almost as certain of no
money at all.

“Courtiers may, however, be divided into two sorts, very essentially
different from each other; into those who never intend to pay for their
clothes; and those who do intend to pay for them, but never happen to be
able. Of the latter sort are many of those young gentlemen whom we equip
out for the army, and who are, unhappily for us, cut off before they
arrive at preferment. This is the reason that tailors, in time of war,
are mistaken for politicians by their inquisitiveness into the event of
battles, one campaign very often proving the ruin of half-a-dozen of us.
I am sure I had frequent reason to curse that fatal battle of Cardigan,
where the Welsh defeated some of king Stephen’s best troops, and where
many a good suit of mine unpaid for, fell to the ground.

“The gentlemen of this honorable calling have fared much better in later
ages than when I was of it; for now it seems the fashion is, when they
apprehend their customer is not in the best circumstances, if they are
not paid as soon as they carry home the suit, they charge him in their
book as much again as it is worth, and then send a gentleman with a
small scrip of parchment to demand the money. If this be not immediately
paid the gentleman takes the beau with him to his house, where he locks
him up till the tailor is contented: but in my time these scrips of
parchment were not in use; and if the beau disliked paying for his
clothes, as very often happened, we had no method of compelling him.

“In several of the characters which I have related to you, I apprehend I
have sometimes forgot myself, and considered myself as really interested
as I was when I personated them on earth. I have just now caught myself
in the fact; for I have complained to you as bitterly of my customers
as I formerly used to do when I was the tailor: but in reality, though
there were some few persons of very great quality, and some others, who
never paid their debts, yet those were but a few, and I had a method of
repairing this loss. My customers I divided under three heads: those who
paid ready money, those who paid slow, and those who never paid at all.
The first of these I considered apart by themselves, as persons by whom
I got a certain but small profit. The two last I lumped together, making
those who paid slow contribute to repair my losses by those who did not
pay at all. Thus, upon the whole, I was a very inconsiderable loser, and
might have left a fortune to my family, had I not launched forth into
expenses which swallowed up all my gains. I had a wife and two children.
These indeed I kept frugally enough, for I half starved them; but I kept
a mistress in a finer way, for whom I had a country-house, pleasantly
situated on the Thames, elegantly fitted up and neatly furnished.
This woman might very properly be called my mistress, for she was most
absolutely so; and though her tenure was no higher than by my will,
she domineered as tyrannically as if my chains had been riveted in the
strongest manner. To all this I submitted, not through any adoration of
her beauty, which was indeed but indifferent. Her charms consisted in
little wantonnesses, which she knew admirably well to use in hours of
dalliance, and which, I believe, are of all things the most delightful
to a lover.

“She was so profusely extravagant, that it seemed as if she had an
actual intent to ruin me. This I am sure of, if such had been her real
intention, she could have taken no properer way to accomplish it; nay,
I myself might appear to have had the same view: for, besides this
extravagant mistress and my country-house, I kept likewise a brace of
hunters, rather for that it was fashionable so to do than for any great
delight I took in the sport, which I very little attended; not for want
of leisure, for few noblemen had so much. All the work I ever did was
taking measure, and that only of my greatest and best customers. I scare
ever cut a piece of cloth in my life, nor was indeed much more able to
fashion a coat than any gentleman in the kingdom. This made a skillful
servant too necessary to me. He knew I must submit to any terms with, or
any treatment from, him.

“He knew it was easier for him to find another such a tailor as me
than for me to procure such another workman as him: for this reason he
exerted the most notorious and cruel tyranny, seldom giving me a civil
word; nor could the utmost condescension on my side, though attended
with continual presents and rewards, and raising his wages, content or
please him. In a word, he was as absolutely my master as was ever an
ambitious, industrious prime minister over an indolent and voluptuous
king. All my other journeymen paid more respect to him than to me; for
they considered my favor as a necessary consequence of obtaining his.

“These were the most remarkable occurrences while I acted this part.
Minos hesitated a few moments, and then bid me get back again, without
assigning any reason.”




CHAPTER XXIII

     The life of alderman Julian.

“I now revisited England, and was born at London. My father was one of
the magistrates of that city. He had eleven children, of whom I was the
eldest. He had great success in trade, and grew extremely rich, but the
largeness of his family rendered it impossible for him to leave me
a fortune sufficient to live well on independent of business. I was
accordingly brought up to be a fishmonger, in which capacity I myself
afterwards acquired very considerable wealth.

“The same disposition of mind which in princes is called ambition is in
subjects named faction. To this temper I was greatly addicted from my
youth. I was, while a boy, a great partisan of prince John’s against his
brother Richard, during the latter’s absence in the holy war and in his
captivity. I was no more than one-and-twenty when I first began to make
political speeches in public, and to endeavor to foment disquietude and
discontent in the city. As I was pretty well qualified for this office,
by a great fluency of words, an harmonious accent, a graceful delivery,
and above all an invincible assurance, I had soon acquired some
reputation among the younger citizens, and some of the weaker and more
inconsiderate of a riper age. This, co-operating with my own natural
vanity, made me extravagantly proud and supercilious. I soon began to
esteem myself a man of some consequence, and to overlook persons every
way my superiors.

“The famous Robin Hood, and his companion Little John, at this time made
a considerable figure in Yorkshire. I took upon me to write a letter
to the former, in the name of the city, inviting him to come to London,
where I assured him of very good reception, signifying to him my own
great weight and consequence, and how much I had disposed the citizens
in his favor. Whether he received this letter or no I am not certain;
but he never gave me any answer to it.

“A little afterwards one William Fitz-Osborn, or, as he was nicknamed,
William Long-Beard, began to make a figure in the city. He was a bold
and an impudent fellow, and had raised himself to great popularity with
the rabble, by pretending to espouse their cause against the rich. I
took this man’s part, and made a public oration in his favor, setting
him forth as a patriot, and one who had embarked in the cause
of liberty: for which service he did not receive me with the
acknowledgments I expected. However, as I thought I should easily gain
the ascendant over this fellow, I continued still firm on his side, till
the archbishop of Canterbury, with an armed force, put an end to his
progress: for he was seized in Bowchurch, where he had taken refuge, and
with nine of his accomplices hanged in chains.

“I escaped narrowly myself; for I was seized in the same church with the
rest, and, as I had been very considerably engaged in the enterprise,
the archbishop was inclined to make me an example; but my father’s
merit, who had advanced a considerable sum to queen Eleanor towards the
king’s ransom, preserved me.

“The consternation my danger had occasioned kept me some time quiet, and
I applied myself very assiduously to my trade. I invented all manner
of methods to enhance the price of fish, and made use of my utmost
endeavors to engross as much of the business as possible in my own
hands. By these means I acquired a substance which raised me to some
little consequence in the city, but far from elevating me to that degree
which I had formerly flattered myself with possessing at a time when
I was totally insignificant; for, in a trading society, money must at
least lay the foundation of all power and interest.

“But as it hath been remarked that the same ambition which sent
Alexander into Asia brings the wrestler on the green; and as this same
ambition is as incapable as quicksilver of lying still; so I, who was
possessed perhaps of a share equal to what hath fired the blood of any
of the heroes of antiquity, was no less restless and discontented
with ease and quiet. My first endeavors were to make myself head of
my company, which Richard I had just published, and soon afterwards I
procured myself to be chosen alderman.

“Opposition is the only state which can give a subject an opportunity of
exerting the disposition I was possessed of. Accordingly, king John
was no sooner seated on his throne than I began to oppose his measures,
whether right or wrong. It is true that monarch had faults enow. He was
so abandoned to lust and luxury, that he addicted himself to the most
extravagant excesses in both, while he indolently suffered the king of
France to rob him of almost all his foreign d

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